#personal issue but its gotten so bad i cant even like AM anymore

[dizzy-hat]

is it just me or am i right for feeling a little uncomfortable with the IHNMAIMS fandom rn??

Like I'm not the type of person to go "oh new fans ruin everything!!!!" but since the game blew up on TikTok I have been seeing more people indulge in creating ai voices of AM just so they can make a chatbot be freaky. Like maybe I'm being a piss baby about this, but I feel like I can't enjoy ihnmaims anymore because either people completely water down the characters or just lust after AM (who made Ellen relive her sexual assault mind you, among other things)

I don't feel like opening the whole can of worms that is how character ai. can be just as bad as generative art (they both harm the planet), but it's just something I noticed

ihnmaims fans pls don't take this harshly, I just wanted to write this down to get it out of my head

[jils-things]

2024 is probably not my best year now that i think about it

[sophiethewitch1]

I'm so glad to see people point out how bad genshin has gotten. we have had 2 (TWO) male characters this whole region. and they just killed off the captain??? I'm PISSED!!! all the female characters suck too. they power creep existing characters and mechanics, their designs are so weird and out of place from genshin, their characters are so shallow etc.

I'm genuinely so surprised to see older players stick around. their hard earned artifacts, weapons, and attention to detail feels like it was ran over by mauvikas motorcycle. let's talk abt muavika, she's an expensive xiangling replacement. usually new archons shake up the game, she doesn't. yea she can fly, so can wanderer, chasca, kinich, etc, she can ride on water, most cryo units can too, and furina and mualani and Mona kinda, she has ok Pyro application, so does Thoma, xiangling, dehya, u get what I'm saying?

THE FANSERVICE OMG. if honkai has hot men, genshin is the other side of the spectrum. mualani has the weakest excuse for clothes, xilonens and citlalis jiggle physics gotcha ogling, chasca is wearing... that... and muavika has a zipper going up her cooch 😭😬 it's not hard to see how sexualixed all of them are.

I find it hard to believe that they can't make any more dudes. both guys we do have look too much like teens. I don't even wanna get into the race problem cuz 😬😬 everything that can be said already has been.

meta has been better, we have a geo kazuha now. yay. everyone else has been a main dps, subdps for nightsoul or a niche support. other than xilonen, I wouldn't pull for anyone else metawise. we desperately needed a better shielder, we got a wonky 5 star Layla. zhongli has been needing a buff desperately, if hoyo thinks he is the ceiling for shield strength. maulani, kinich, and chasca are all main dps, I don't even know what ororon and kachina do.

exploration is fine, there are chests everywhere, maybe to distract the players who find the dragons mechanics to be chunky and annoying. the region really wants you to have natlan characters though, and if you don't, you struggle a bit more. it looks pretty though, the art direction and landscapes are beautiful. plenty screenshots to squeeze in with the 5000000 gb game. I don't wanna get into the story, this ask has gotten wayyy too long

anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted talk. hopefully they do shneznaya justice.

get it

just(ice)

ha ha ha I'm so funni

oh my god you're literally so correct about everything and im so mad about it. like the racial issues first and foremost made me immediately go 'well guess im not spending anymore' which i havent since because the only character like you said thats been interesting at all has been xilonen. she, kachina, and mualani were the only characters in natlan i actually liked the designs of (well other than the captain but hes not even actually from natlan). and even then LIKE BRO MY SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF BRUH!!!!!! like people are like 'oh it makes sense lore wise oh its ancient dragon tech' WELL IT DOESNT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IT!!! WHY DOES MAVUIKA HAVE A YAMAHA!!!! WHY DOES EVEN MY FAV XILONEN HAVE A TURN TABLE LIKE I CANT DO THIS AAAAHH. The exploration and world is amazing because it always is and I saw this poster the other day who fuckin. GRINDED my gears over on reddit who was like 'people hated this regions story?' and then posted a bunch of beautiful natlan screenshots like BRO YOU AND YOUR STRAWMAN ARGUMENTS YOU COME HERE!!!

I think if I personally talk about the fanservice I'll pop a blood vessel. Anon if you have not seen the leaks for 5.4 you are in for a TERRIBLE surprise when they show the next character and I am so so SO sorry for the misery you will endure

Snezhnaya... Give me Dottore. Give me Panatalone. Give me the fucking short old man hoyo or I will start sending thousands of dollars of manure to your offices to be dropped off. God help us all

[thewarnerbrothers]

alright i gotta say something

you really cant do anything when you have a moderately popular blog huh

look. im a lurker at heart. i just happen to have one issue: not being able to shut up when im interested in something. thats the only reaaon this blog exists. i didnt come here to make friends, though i ended up doing that along the way

i dont want or need your pity. what i need is for people i dont know at all to stop putting me under a microscope

newsflash: i dont matter. follower count doesnt matter. at all. do you know what its like having thousands of eyes on you all the time? it sucks

i literally cant do anything

if i block literal strangers, they get mad and try to publicly shame me for it. if i try to settle disputes amicably in private, its seen as bad. if i attempt to be open and transparent with modding decisions, its bad. if i ask people to actually talk to me, they dont. instead they kick up a frenzy in private to coordinate a stupid mass hissy fit disproportionate to any perceived slight they may have endured. if i make friends, people take it personally. people see that as some sort of insult. i cannot be friends with everyone. i wont. this hurts strangers feelings, dspite me not existing for their pleasure.

some of you feel very entitled to my time. you dont own me. i dont owe you anything. ive tried to not lose the few molecules of my mind left on a regular basis because of some people who are no longer in this fandom, and some who still are. and man. i am just. tired. of everyone. all the time.

i think even more than the fact that this series was released (mainly) as a bingewatch fest, what killed this fandom was you

not necessarily you, whoever is reading this. i mean the fans. in general. some of you are so annoying, rude, inappropriate, and willfully lacking in social skills. youre over dramatic. youre moody. youre dramamongering. youre liars. youre bullies. youre self-ascribed victims. you dont care about other human beings.

youre repulsive, frankly

you are part of the reason people have been leaving the fandom in droves. the homophobia. the transphobia. the ship hate. the inability to treat other people with basic human decency. the manufactured scandals. shut up and grow up

you know why i barely interact with larger fandom anymore? ill tell you

waves of harassment to varying degrees ad nauseam

creeps who refuse to even try to keep their fetishes to themselves in private groups that include minors

abusers (most of whom are thankfully now gone)

people befriending me only to reveal that they dont actually like or care about me as a person

the most willfully socially inept people to ever exist

nosy jerks who literally cannot stand not sticking their nose in personal problems that have nothing to do with them

people treating me and my blog like im google adsense. im not a billboard guys

people deciding i am evil for no apparent reason? sdkjfalsdjfa

thinly veiled anythingphobia pretending to be socially just (hi homophobes who imply that being lgbt by nature is 'adult')

people who just make things up. all the time. just make up a lie, say it passionately enough. if you try to defend yourself, youre seen as guilty/suspicious. if you try to resolve things quietly with only those involved, you're seen as guilty/suspicious. cant win

wankers who need to learn why parasocial relationships arent actually meant to be embraced wholeheartedly

really lame one-off trolls tbh

the most fandom discourse-poisoned takes i have seen since su hatedom was at its peak

im just tired of being nice all the time? i think you guys just like taking advantage of people you imagine to be good targets

listen. i am allowed to do whatever i want, regardless of how you feel about it. the same thing goes for you. i tend to try to resolve things reasonably and rationally, but i wont pretend ive never gotten mad or overreacted or made a decision i regret. ive made that pretty known. i like to think i've grown, and ive gone out of my way to apologize to people.

however.

some of yall do not understand that just because your feelings got hurt, it doesnt mean you are deserve an apology or an explanation. sometimes it literally is just a you problem. a skill issue. you need to grow thicker skin. learn how to curate your online experience. get. over it.

lets talk about blocking, shall we?

blocking is great. i block people all the time. i block bots, i block tag spammers, i block people who make posts with rancid vibes, i block people who ive personally interacted with and no longer wish to, i block because i get tired of seeing someones posts, i block people who post things that trigger me, i block blogs with icons i dont like. there's usually no grand reason for it, aside from egregious cases where i've been harassed. its also usually not personal. i will block people who ive followed for years. i dont care. i dont know most of yall. i know i've been blocked by tons of people and that's okay! i would rather people who don't want to interact with me do that.

if you get blocked, thats it. dont attempt to contact me again unless i reach out. im not the only blog in this fandom. youll live without my posts. i am not the arbiter of all things animaney.

im just some guy

i know that the people who need to hear this most will not care nor will they actually absorb what i'm saying. ive gotten a lot of hate over the dumbest crap. im done. i think i need to stop trying to be so friendly, because some of you think being a little pissbaby is the only way to interact with others online.

cant wait til i finally explode one day and just delete everything

tldr shut up leave me alone oh my god its not that big a deal jesus christ

[magnoliamyrrh]

and another thing that chronic pain brings that i find is less talked about and that people without chronic pain can't wrap their head around, is the emotional pain and just straight up despair of feeling like your body is useless, knowing you'll never be able to do the things you want to that "normal" people can do.

^^^^^ Exactly

especially when it hits you when youre young. even if and when you manage to get used to the pain itself (tho even "getting used to it" takes a prepetual toll) theres still always that part of it too. of feeling trapped in a body that seems so weak and fragile, and there being things you want to do that you used to be able to at some point, or dreamed of being able to do that you just.... have to accept you either cant, or that if you do them theyre going to make you exponentially worse....... it feels like being forced to miss out on so many things, and its so damn hard and mentally draining and scary and,,,,yea,, a lot of dispair hits you. its hard to accept

i always lose it when i realize how much i can't rly do anymore. even when i had chronic pain some years back and my joints were going to shit, id still push myself and walk for hours upon hours almost every day, it was relaxing and one of my favourite things to do.... now there are many times when walking for 30-40 minutes a day or several times a week feels like it absolutely cripples me. such seeminly low effort things take it out of me for days on end.... i cant play guitar anymore because my hands cant handle it. when my pain was worse, thank god its better now, i couldn't draw anymore... theres so many hobbies i wanted to try, but cant because some part of my body wouldnt handle it. many times ive been too dizzy or exhausted to cook, despite it being one of my favourite things to do.... i had an entire weeks-long mental breakdown and spiraled horribly when i realized i couldnt really ski anymore, despite being very, very good at it. id rather die than think i could never ride horses again, but i know there is a high chance doing so will ruin my hips...... the list is fucking endless

it feels like some sort of nightmare you just cant seem to wake up from. past a point damned be the pain, but realizing your body just cant handle or do shit or doesnt have the strengh, or that the pain is just too sharp, its just... fucking horrible.... it almost breaks you more than the pain itself past a point. and idk personally its been a nightmare for me to see how fast a lot of my health issues have progressed. i was certain i wouldnt be as bad as i am now until i was in my 30s.... but in just a few years, its gotten so much fucking worse

..... its one of those things that i guess you cant do nothing about but accept...? and try to make the best out of??? because getting endlessly upset about it doesnt help, and being upset only feeds the chronic pain. but its very hard, especially when daily things in your life constantly remind you. i still havent been able to figure out some sort of way or mindset to do that at all

i assume from this ask you also struggle with this? im very sorry ❤️🧡❤️ it truly is a lot to handle to say the least. thank u for this ask tho, helps to feel less alone, and if u ever need to vent to someone who gets it ur more than welcome to 🌸 i hope this week will be easier on you and that youll feel a little bit better, and i hope with time you'll maybe be able to find some things which make it easier to bare. god knows what the chances are, but maybe with all the science nowadays well both have the insane luck for some cure or actual treatment, as far fetched as that seems at times

[wanderrlust0]

rant:/

sometimes my bf gets too insecure and its like D; i’ll compliment him but then if i say something to express my preference or my opinion or anything like that, he sometimes will take it personal and will start thinking that i dont think hes attractive, like noo🤦🏻‍♀️ i literally just gave you a compliment. its like how some girls can just say when they dont like their bfs haircut or that they prefer something this way or that they wont look bad if they tried it this way. i cant just casually do that with him without the possibility of making it like im putting him down!! then he’ll start this mental journey of like not needing me to know his worth (OBVI thats a good thing) but itll feel like its done in a way where its petty or out of spite, bc if he feels that i dont think hes hot, he’ll just focus more on himself, do his own thing, talk to me less, probs start thinking that he can be with someone else instead who will validate him, and i feel like he has “subtweeted” me, like not actually on twitter but on other platforms we both use like spotify playlists & yelp (LOL that sounds so out of place but yeah its the checkin comments, iykyk). so yeah idk, his emotions can feel complicated at times. weve also been hanging out only once a wk recently & i think he has a hard time with that, and so do I. usually we hang twice a wk but he got a new job so his schedule makes it harder. i feel like whenever we are apart for a long period of time our connection to each other tends to fizzle out a bit, the longer were apart. i told my friend that & i said that maybe we should start facetiming bc we dont do that at all actually. were not that couple who talks on the phone unless we really have to, so while i was on ft with my friend i was thinking maybe me & him should start doing that since were not hanging out as often as we used to. we snap all the time so we see each others faces everyday which isnt an issue, its the talking part. also, this is a sudden change of topic but still related to him..hes been having a lower sex drive & now its happening more often where hes like in the mood & then it dies out mid way so we have to take a break and then we can try again if he feels like hes ready and then were okay. every time he says not to worry, it isnt bc of me. he says that even when hes by himself he doesnt get the urge as much as he used to so his drive really did just shrink. since he told me that it makes me believe him more, like im not the problem, but i mean…of course theres a part of me that questions that bc it makes me feel like he has less of a want to fuck me. it could also be some performance anxiety as well he said but why isnt it just a rare occurrence anymore. i dont get mad at him for it bc i can understand low sex drive since i have it. there are times where i really dont feel the need to do it but we do it anyway. then once we start ill get into it but my time window is just shorter compared to when i am more horny. it doesnt mean i dont like him less (unless were going thru something) i just dont have that urge, so thats why im not getting annoyed at him bc i can relate..but IDK like at least for me thats normal, ive always been that way. this is a new thing for him so its a sudden change & yeah weve gotten older, hes 2yrs older than me so that could be a factor as well..its just sudden. so i guess im linking that to us hanging out less now & maybe he doesnt feel as attached to me. last time we hung out we smoked & that happened to him so we had to stop. aunt flow was with me so we couldnt go all the way. weed also makes him weird when it comes to it tho bc sometimes it makes him feel too tired/lazy to be in the mood for it if hes too high. me on the other hand, weed gets me more horny (as long as im not like incapacitated lol) so i was feeling it but i told him he couldnt fuck me bc even tho aunt flow was starting to leave, it would still get messy all up in there lol. when i went home i did end up masturbating tho. im finally seeing him tm for the whole day so i hope we’ll be good

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i really wonder what the context was of my last post. cause if it was about the girl who had a crush on me thats unfortunate. but if its someone else im gagged. im such a baddie. idk. idk. i think recently ive been in such a defensive state. like im waiting for something bad to happen at the hands of another person, and im expecting the absolute worst from them. i want to see the best but i also dont want to get hurt. i dont know where this stemmed from. i guess my people pleasing has gotten out of hand, because it hasnt been succeeding. 

my job is kind lowering my vibration beyond repair. i weirdly enjoy it though? i dont know. i must be too in my masculine. and of course, completely disconnected from my spirit and higher self. i cant bring myself to talk to my sister cause i know we will only trigger eachother. 

so here i am. sitting in the silence. tired of it all. 

i cant even bring myself to physically write in my journal. and working out isnt as meditative as it used to be. though im so glad i can still get my ass up and do it. its not as fun and exciting. i kinda feel guilty for sexualising myself and loving my own body. literally, yesterday i was trying to force myself to be comfortable with my skin out, that i ruined my opportunity for a relaxing walk. the entire time i was self conscious and felt like the entire world was watching me. completely uncomfortable. 

my anxiety is in a rough period at the moment. i dont even smoke weed anymore. that used to be such a spiritual practice for me and now im afraid of it. im kinda afraid of everything. especially people. 

its weird, because i seem like i love people. i tell myself im good because i am so social at work, and i perform well and i connect with customers. but in reality, i cant hold onto any kind of relationship. if i do it has to be superficial or im uncomfortable. 

i think if i shifted my focus to the good things about the relationships i do have, and the things that make me happy and comfortable and at peace, these issues im creating wont seem so huge anymore. its always like that. i should talk to my psych about all of this. i need to see her... i cant believe its been so long. like, my fucking dogs died. they both fucking died. 

they contributed to my focus on isolation at the moment. i suddenly had the ground pulled from beneath me. they were my stability and my safety. now i feel so alone, at my core, that its all i can think about. its made me realise how short life is and how quickly things can change and slowly everyone is slipping away... when i pushed them out. i forced them to leave. theyre barely even leaving when we were nothing to begin with. 

i get the feeling ive said all of this a million times before. it never really changes. 

i feel like im a really driven and motivated person. i am smart and self controlled, and responsible, and im good at the things i try my best at. im gifted. but at the same time, i cant change the things about me that cause me the most stress and worry. i am stuck. i have been stuck, for so, so long. im tired of it. im so TIRED. 

this loneliness is comforting. its healing in a way, cause i can avoid all the drama and stress of attempting to tell anyone how i am feeling. but that in itself is so fucking pathetic and toxic and weak. its like, i failed at the most fundamental human thing. communicating. connecting with others. creating a community. 

maybe one day someone will piss e off enough that i blow up on everyone. why does the idea of that bring me so much relief? 

i cant even bother myself to consider spiritual practice right now. oh im stuck in the past and its holding me back from opportunities and the blessings from the universe? bitch, im trying to fight depression! who gives a fuck about opportunities right now?! i have nothing to fucking live for besides europe. thats so pathetic. i need to get my head right again because this is such a huge mess. im under so much pressure. i have no time. time, time, time, time. 

i need to be more social, i need to be more this and that. its a fucking exhausting thing to be in my mind right now. where did all the love go? it literally died with them. grief is consuming me. i cant pause life but its consuming me and im trying to pretend to be happy but im also trying to find the happiness again but its gone. they took it with them into the afterlife. or just into the fucking ground. 

it poured so heavily today and my heart hurt with the anxiety i felt that you were cold and alone out there. that you were getting wet and without cover. why does it keep on raining? youll be so cold. i remember you laid in the rain the night before you died because you could barely move or notice it was happening. my poor babies. i miss you so much. 

this is why ive been avoiding planning my birthday like a fucking plague, like a fucking disease. how can i even think about celebrating my life when yours have ended? to even celebrate without you? its too painful. i cant pretend like this anymore. but of course ill keep on acting like im fine. its the only way. i fucking hate this world. 

[autisticzukka]

what is this hakoda zuko arranged marriage you speak of? i am intrigued

okay so the long story short is that it’s a slight rebuttal of a popular post that is very fun but i find like... unrealistic in a really intriguing way like, how would this ACTUALLY play out. I’ve talked about it at length in my server a few times, and it’s one of those AU’s -- like the genderbend zukka ATLA rewrite or the zukki fic that starts with sokka failing to assassinate zuko -- that lives rent free in my head and I’ve written a couple thousand words for.

tw for like VERY unrequited zuko in love with hakoda and the inherent comedy of sokka being in love with his fire nation stepmom.

so here’s hakoda, chief of the southern water tribe, happily not-married to Bato. and here is a more balanced war, where the north and the south are actually  allies, rather than whatever the fuck they were in ATLA. Yue already has a fiance and the Northern chief refuses to remarry. that leaves hakoda responsible for biting the bullet and doing a political marriage even though, as he points out at length, he is an elected official and if he stops being elected it’s no longer a marriage with the chief of the south pole. intelligently but mostly selfishly motivated (yue’s fiance is his nephew, after all) pakku points out that its not like the fire nation knows... that. the fire nation is dumb. ozai’s stupid.

faced with such inarguable points hakoda stiffens his upper lip, pre-emptively ends things with bato on the understanding that if this is another kya situation they’ll get back together and that he’s still the most important person to him but the tribe comes first yada yada, and deals with katara throwing the mother of all tantrums. it is slightly softened by the fact that in return for him marrying the fire nation noble, a thing everyone can agree isn’t traditional, the north has finally agreed to train katara. she heads out before the wedding, in protest but also so as to not cause an international incident.

(on her way, she’ll find aang. with the war less dire, katara will be sympathetic towards his desire to live without committing violence, even if she deeply can’t relate. they’ll have a hot girl romcom summer of self discovery and coming to terms with the dichotomy between duty and love as they become master benders. at some point they pick up toph. they ARE a throuple.)

sokka meanwhile is like.. not cool with it.. but ? kind of relieved? like. he’s the eldest kid. he’s 18, and he’s been a man of the tribe as far as legalities for several years. it would have been entirely understandable if his dad had asked HIM to do it. he had his emotionally crushing romance with yue, and as much as he was like ‘im kind of a prince’, he finds he doesn’t actually want some of the responsibilities and demands that would bring. yue’s life sucks.

back in the fire nation, zuko never demanded a quest and never went on it. he’s spent years hardening into something that, while brittle, can survive the pressures of the court around him. he still has his scar. he still wants his father to love him, but he knows by now that it’s not something he’s capable of earning. he watches his sister, never the most stable person, start to have complete breakdowns of sanity once she hits puberty, and helps her cover for it and receive medical treatment on the down low. he’s the heir, but he lives knowing that if he was ever in a position to inherit his choices are to abdicate or have the baby sister who he raised kill him and destroy herself and the country in the process.

when he realizes the plan is to marry azula off rather than someone more reasonable-- mai is RIGHT there, for fucks sake-- he doesn’t realize ozai’s true intent is to fuck this up through malicious compliance and false shows of good faith. he panics, and does the zuko thing: he blurts out that this is unacceptable and immoral and she’s only 16 and Ozai sees the true opportunity for two birds with one stone. send zuko, let him piss someone off so badly he gets killed or divorced, and he gets rid of zuko from the line of succession permanently. there are those who are incredibly attached to teh idea of a firstborn for firelord, and it’s been a constant thorn in unpopular ozai’s side to nto be able to name azula his heir apparent without costly rebellion. but if he can taint him in the mind of the fire nation so much that birthright is easy to supercede-- yeah. this’ll work PERFECTLY.

so zuko is sent to marry hakoda, chief of the water tribe.

literally NO ONE was expecting it to be a member of Ozai’s immediate family. besides the fact that his oldest child is half hakoda’s age and his brother has 20 years on hakoda, it would have been sus as fuck - the treaty is not favorable enough to grant that kind of secession of interests. it becomes quickly apparent that this young man -- hakoda reminds himself of that repeatedly. not kid. not kid. young man. don’t think of him like a kid, it’s hard enough on both of us already. -- is not a horrible threat. he’s scared shitless and shakes with what he thinks is bravado. he’s desperate to make the marriage work. he’s desperate to not go home. he’s got a giant fucking scar on his face from where the fire lord punished him for some grievous but unstated offense.

zuko “daddy issues” fire nation sees his husband to be and, despite being scared shitless, immediately begins to soften a little. like... he’s not nearly as scary as he thought he’d be. his face can be stern, but it just as easily breaks into huge smiles, and his eyes are crinkled with laughter. he’s incredibly handsome. and his biceps are. his biceps. are. his hands are...

like. zuko thinks. okay. maybe. maybe his marriage duties. won’t be so horrible as he thought. maybe he’s ready for this. and he knows what to expect, Uncle had discreetly provided him the means and the contacts to acquire an intimate education in the whirlwind of activity that was the two months before leaving. and like, once he’d gotten past the nerves, it was often even... good? or at least... not bad? he thinks that even if hakoda isn’t a professional expert, he has a certain.... je ne sais quoi, if you will.

((DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF))

sokka sees his new stepfather and immediately falls in love because he’s that kind of dumb bitch. (the core of this au is that i cant breathe thinking about sokka falling in love with his hot young stepmom his age who his dad doesnt even want to fuck. like. i CANT. sokka masturbates to ‘hand caught in the washing tub’ fantasies which are even more absurd for requiring zuko to be DOING LAUNDRY. i find it so funny.)

bato watches them at the wedding feast while hakoda is very clearly trying to treat zuko as an Equal Adult Partner and mostly managing to seem like someone having a serious conversation with a seven year old about the game they’ve made up. zuko is clearly enamored with it, soaking up the attention, blushing and doing his best to Bravely Flirt, which at one point includes awkwardly attempting to feed Hakoda by hand. bato has to excuse himself to have a teary eyed giggle, hoping that Kya is in the spirit world looking down and laughing with him. he can’t resent the kid even a little bit, when hakoda is sitting there looking so incredibly fucking befuddled as to what he’s supposed to do with this star struck infant he’s legally wed to

anyways all of this... is very funny. their wedding night... is less so. zuko does not take the rejection from hakoda very well, especially because he’d been caught wanting. HE’S the one who should be rejecting hakoda. and he catastrophizes almost immediately about his potential value to the water tribe, his future treatment, that endless inescapable freezing cold loneliness is the good ending for him here... hakoda, meanwhile, drops zuko off at his home, reassuringly informs him that there’s NOTHING else expected of him and he will be well taken care of, and books it to bato’s. bato refuses to let him in on grounds of ‘you can’t sleep under the same shelter as me on your wedding night to that kid, have a fucking brain’, and he ends up crashing at sokka’s.

sokka, who had KNOWN that his dad wouldnt, but also upon seeing zuko and zuko’s awkward flirting was like... but how COULDNT he???? sokka is relieved.

the core of this fic is that i find it endlessly hilarious for zuko to try and seduce his husband while sokka simps around zuko and bato tries to be heartbroken or betrayed but mostly ends up with a giant case of hysterical schadenfreude. but the thing that CLINCHED it for me, like THE scene. several years after being married, settled into their life. they’re partners and they see each other as people. and zuko just fucking snaps one night

he just kisses him, desperate and clawing and climbing and maybe a little drunk. he knows hakoda is going to push him away, maybe even hit him, but he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care. he can do anything he wants to him as long as he just-- finally does something. zuko is 21 and married to the surface of the sun and the surface of the sun jr is his best friend and clearly in love with him-- so clearly not even zuko can miss it-- and like. listen. listen. zuko is not a patient person. but he’s been patient for this. he waited and he matured and he is a fucking amazing husband and he wants this, he wants him. he wants to be wanted.

but hakoda doesn’t push him away. hakoda doesnt yell at him, or hit him. hakoda gentles the kiss into something soft and closed lipped. he pulls away slowly, and his eyes are so sad for zuko, so pitying. he strokes his cheek with the back of his hand so gently. he says, I’m sorry. I don’t want you.

and zuko daddy issues fire nation swallows

and he nods

and he leaves, even though its his own fucking house

and he knows he’s never going to be good enough

like FUUUCK i am OBSESSED WITH THAT

[saeransangel]

Fine Line

Spencer Reid x Reader

*Trigger Warning*

Warnings: addiction(use of narcotics/opioids), swearing, angst

**This is in NO way condoning the use of drugs or glorifying/romanticizing addiction... Many of the things in here are based off personal experiences I’ve been through in the past. I know how draining and horrible it is. This is a vent piece for me. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with reading about drug use.

The reader starts to fall into a rough group of friends while occupying time when Spencer is away. As Spencer starts to catch on to her blossoming addiction, the reader admits she needs help.

Word Count: 2496.

You and your boyfriend, Spencer had finally gotten into bed together after a long day. He had just gotten back from a case in California and was completely exhausted. You on the other hand, were still recovering from a party you went to yesterday. You were told the night was fun, but it was all a blurred memory to you. After about three hours of sleeping together, the phone rings. It was Spencer’s cell.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice sounded tired and drained. You both knew it was the BAU calling. You sighed in annoyance. He had just gotten back, you haven’t gotten to spend any quality time together in two weeks and it was putting a strain on your relationship. Neither one of you said anything, but you could feel it. It was starting to feel different. The connection between you wasn’t as strong as it always had been, and that worried you. But you were too scared to bring it up. Not that there was ever time anyways.

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” Spencer said after a while. He hung up the phone and got out of bed, careful not to disturb you, though you were already awake.

“Spence, again?” You sighed.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I should only be gone a few days, then we can spend all week together.” He promised. You knew he was trying and it was just apart of the job, but recently it’s been too much. You’ve spent too much time away from him. 

“You said that last time, Spencer.” It came out more aggressive than you wanted and you instantly felt bad.

His eyes softened as he looked towards you. He sat down beside you and embraced you gently. “I really am sorry, Y/N. I love you so much, but this is my job.” He sounded so upset, knowing he hurt you. Slowly, you melted into his arms and wrapped your own around his slim figure.

“I know, I’m sorry, I just miss you so much when you’re gone.” You whispered, almost tearing up at the thought of being without him again. It might seem dramatic for only a few days, but he was your moral compass. It was hard without him around.

He kissed your forehead and gave you one last loving embrace before grabbing his Go Bag and leaving the bedroom.

As you lied back down into the now empty bed, you felt like you were sinking already. What was the point of this relationship if it was a constant revolving door of leaving and being together? Before you could get too deep into your thoughts, you heard a ping sound come from your phone. 

“Hey, Y/N, I know we just raged together last night, but I miss you so much already lol! Come to my place right now. Zoe is bringing the usual. It’s gonna be fun!!”

It was your friend Sam inviting you over for a party...at 2 am. You sat and stared at the message, wondering if it was a good idea to go. Your body still hadn’t fully recovered from last night, but you didn’t want to be alone tonight. You shot back a quick response and put some different clothes on that were fit for this type of party. As you headed out the door, your body was already feeling excited for the rush this night was going to give you.

When you arrived at Sam’s house, you took a deep and shaky breath. Was this really what you wanted to turn to? Finding comfort in a six hour euphoria? Whatever your better judgement told you, it was too late. You were already getting out of the car and walking up to the house that was flooding with people and blaring loud music. You stepped through the front door and took in your surroundings. Sam, Zoe and a few other people you recognized were sitting on the large sectional couch, passing a blunt around with each other.

“Y/N! You’re here!” Zoe shouted over the music. You approach the group with a vibrant smile. You took the blunt from Sam and took a long drag off it. The smoke filled your lungs. It felt good, you slowly started to relax.

“You look like shit.” Sam said bluntly. “What happened to you?”

A long sigh escaped from your lips. “I’m still a mess from last night I guess.” You replied trying to just laugh it off.

“It’s more than that, tell us what’s wrong?” She pushed. You didn’t really want to tell her, but at the same time you needed to vent. They were always there for you. Why was now any different?

“It’s Spencer. He’s always leaving me because he has to go fly across the country to do whatever it is he’s doing!” You didn’t mean for that to sound as selfish as it did, and you knew if Spencer ever heard you say that he would be crushed. He loved you unconditionally, and here you were acting self-centered and mean. “He’s means well though, I know he loves me. But it’s hard someti-”

Zoe spoke up. “Save it, Y/N/N. We understand.” You gave her an apologetic smile. You shouldn’t have said anything. Spencer is the best boyfriend you could ever ask for, even if he was gone more often than you would like, you loved him and he would never talk about you like this. The feeling of missing him was being overtaken by the guilt you felt from talking about him leaving. Tears welled in your eyes. You looked down to try and hide the fact that you were now a teary mess.

“Y/N/N, we’re here for you.” Sam said while rubbing circles on the small of your back. The music was blaring so loud you almost didn’t hear her. You recognized the song. CANT SAY  By Travis Scott. You smiled, remembering all the amazing ragers you went to with Sam, Zoe, and the others. 

Your reminiscing was cut short. You noticed Zoe placed a small bag on the table that everyone was sitting around. There where small, circular, white pills inside. Your heart dropped into your stomach. “Is that...” Your voice trailed off.

“Oxy? Yes, ma’am it is.” Zoe smirked. You instantly got the feeling you shouldn’t have come tonight. In the past you struggled with a lot of substance abuse issues. Opioids in particular. It started after a surgery, Valium, then  Hydrocodone, then it escalated to Oxycontin. You even rolled on molly every so often. But you went to rehab about three years ago. You were clean, apart from the occasional marijuana use which seemed to becoming more and more frequent.

“I don’t know if I should. I haven’t in years.” You try and protest. They didn’t seem to care. Zoe grabbed two out of the bag and held them out for you. Upon reflex, you opened your hand and watched as the two pills fell into the palm of your hand. The whole group was looking at you, waiting. Sam popped one into her mouth and swallowed it. She looked eagerly at you. Part of you didn’t want to throw all the years of sobriety down the drain, but the bigger part of you wanted to stop feeling the guilt and the loneliness you felt when Spencer was away.

You didn’t even remember putting them in your mouth, you just remember the feeling of them sliding down your throat. After about twenty minutes, you felt the effects of the narcotic. Your body felt light and weightless. Your thoughts were cloudy. Why were you even here? This is fun right? As you danced through the crowd with your friends, you felt a moment of euphoria as ypu forgot the reason you came here in the first place.

Two Days Later...

You woke up on a scratchy couch that was definitely not apart of your home. You took in your surroundings, head pounding. You were still at Sam’s house. You grabbed your phone to check the time. It was probably late the next day...

“It’s been two days?” You gasped. You shot up, looking for Sam. Her house was so big, you didn’t even know where to look. Luckily you didn’t have to go far. She was in the kitchen with Zoe and another guy named Jared. They all laughed and turned towards you as you walked in.

“Look who decided to wake up,” Zoe teased. 

You glared at her. “It’s not funny.” You spat. “How long was I asleep?”

“Only, like ten hours, chill.” Sam laughed awkwardly.

“I got here Friday night, its Sunday now.” You were growing impatient. So many questions raced through your mind.

“Yeah... we were together partying all weekend, are you okay?” Zoe urged.

“I don’t remember anything except for Friday night.” You admitted. Instinctively you checked your phone again. Your eyes widened. 

Missed Calls: Spencer Reid(16)

Upon looking further you found dozens of texts, to which you replied, “At Sam’s party!” You had no recollection of sending that.

Spence: What?! Why are you with her??

The most recent text was from a few hours ago.

Spence: Hey angel, I’m just checking in on you... You’ve sent me one text the past couple days. Are we okay? I love you so much. I’ll be home in a few hours. Please call me. 

Your heart broken into a million pieces. Your free hand covered your mouth in an attempt to stop the sobs from coming out of your mouth. You stared down and the phone in your shaky hands. He knew who these girls were. He knew they always were trouble and fueled your addiction in the past. You knew he was concerned for you. The thought of him being upset and not being able to see you was suffocating. Zoe and Sam rushed over to you right away.

“Hun, what’s wrong.” Sam pleaded with you. You didn’t want to be here anymore. You hated them for doing this to you. For doing this to Spencer. You hated yourself even more. You needed to get out.

“Get away from me.” You cried. Fighting there grip, you pulled away from them. You ran into the living room and sat on the floor, back leaning against the sofa.

The two girls followed you into the living room, worried looks strewn across their face. Before they could say anything, the doorbell rang. Sam paused before going to open the door.

“Spencer...” She exclaimed surprised. You looked up. The tears wouldn’t stop falling now.

“Y/N, where is she?” He said sternly and he pushed his way through the door. He looked around for a minute before his eyes finally fell on you. He immediately rushed over to you. The look in his brown eyes told you that he knew what you had done. You knew you looked like a mess. It was a dead give away.

“I’m so sorry, Spencer.” You sobbed. His warm arms wrapped around you so tightly you thought you couldn’t breathe, but you didn’t mind. You needed this. 

“You’re going to be okay, Y/N. We can get through this. I promise.” He whispered. You closed your eyes and melted into his comforting touch.

“Is she going to be okay?” Zoe pressed. “I mean, you keep leaving her to go do God knows what. Did you know that’s why she came here.”

Spencer’s grip on you loosened. He leaned back to get a good look at you, trying to see if it was true. NO. This was not his fault. Not after everything he’s been through. You’d be damned if you were going to let him think this was his fault too.

“Shut up.” You said venomously.  She shot you a confused glare. “Don’t you ever speak to him like that EVER!”

“What? I’m trying to defend you?” She shouted. You couldn’t believe her. You couldn’t believe yourself. Everything felt like it was spiraling.

“You’re not defending me. You’re trying to drive the one person that loves me away!” You were screaming now.

Zoe walked closer to you, she was in your face. “At least I care about you!” Her voiced boomed through the house.

“If you really cared about me you wouldn’t have gave me the fucking drugs in the first place.” You wailed. Spencer grabbed you arm. Your head whipped back to look at him. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes. You let out a despondent sigh at the sight of him. You never wanted any of this. You just wanted him to stay. Now look what happened.

 Lost in your thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed Spencer guiding you out the door. He put his arm around you, and without another word to Sam or Zoe, you got into his car.

It was silent for the whole car ride home. You were thinking of all the ways to apologize to him, all the reasons he had to leave you, all the reasons why you didn’t deserve him. When you both arrived back to his apartment, you broke down.

“Spencer, I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. None of this is.” You sobbed.” It’s all mine. I’m sorry. I love you so much. Please, don’t lea-”

You were cut off by a pair of strong arms embracing you. How did you get so lucky to have a man like Spencer in your life? “Y/N, it’s okay.” He cooed.

“It’s not!” you cried, pushing him away. He looked confused and sad, which only made you cry more. “I’m supposed to take care of you. You’ve gone through so much with your job, your mom, everything. You don’t deserve this, Spence. I don’t deserve you.”

He examined your weak figure before giving you the softest smile you’ve ever seen. “If there’s one thing you have taught me, Y/N, it’s that it’s okay to need a little help sometimes. Recovery is not linear. Slip ups can happen. I know you didn’t want this, but I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” He declared. He slowly wrapped his arms around you again and you let him. He held you as you cried and he didn’t let go even when you stopped the relentless sobbing. His soft hands traced patterns on your back while he listened to your breathing regulate. 

“Nothing you could ever do would make me leave you.” He whispered.  “Because I love you. Nothing can change that.”

You kissed his neck delicately, amazed at how insanely lucky you were to have him around. “Thank you Spencer. I love you so fucking much.” He held you tighter, letting you know that you were safe and everything was going to be okay.

A tear slipped down your cheek. But this wasn’t from sadness. It was from adoration. You knew with your full heart that Spencer loved you, and he was going to get through this with you. One step at a time.

[carpsurprise]

this isn’t really a request but if you want to do it anyway I think it’s fun:^) so we know sunshine boy sam is one of your favorites but can you rate the bachelors and bachelorettes together from most to least favorite and why?

thank u for sending this in!! its always refreshing to do non-imagine/writing stuff for da ol’ noggin!! dlkskd but truly thank u and im gonna put this under a cut and not tag it bc i can foresee there being some issues with this list <3 i do love all of these characters in their own way ofc

1. sam: like u said a given :^) i think sam is dumb and a lot of fun!! i love super happy/caring guys bc i am super bad w/ second guessing myself so!! a guy thats really straight forward and shows how they feel when they feel it is my dream! also the pop punk aesthetic <3 i like that he’s the direct opposite of me!! why would i want to date a dark/brooding guy when im already like that?? i want someone super happy thats gonna radiate that!!

2. haley: haley’s an angel late game! and she’s pretty! im pretty mean myself so i was never driven away from her but was more like damn we’d be powerful together and then she ended up doing a 180 personality wise and i love her even more!! shes so sweet and so helpful during marriage too love her

3. emily: ok emily is like a dream best friend for me!! i love how creative she is and we have a lot of similar interests. she seems like a good mix of the mom girl at a club taking care of all the drunk girls, the girl that u can easily go up to and talk to if u need a partner in class, and the cool older sister. love love love her

4. harvey: sweetheart... angel man. so shy and sweet!! i dont like mean men so him being outright kind and such a good guy is so heartwarming for me!! i feel like he would be respectful at all times and is not a man i’d need to worry about *intentionally* wronging me with intent to hurt <3 

5. elliott: i did theatre in high school and am a creative writing minor. i more wish i was him bc if i could live by the sea and write all day... yes. and speak like someone that would’ve gotten beaten up by a shakespeare character? yes. once again, a man that wouldn’t be mean to me & would make me feel safe

6. maru: also someone i would love as a friend! she’s so kind and always so welcoming my social anxiety would be nonexistent around her <3 i know she’d tell someone my order was wrong for me despite her also being nonconfrontational. seems like a sleepover queen and someone i could go to for anything without being judged love her to death 

7. penny: i also do love penny!! i think she’s def one of the better people in the game what with her aspirations and motivations but!! we r both too shy but i do love reading so i think we would get along there!! she’s v sweet but also her trope is not my fave!! i see a lot of similarities within us 

8. abigail: i do like abigail but i do not see the hype imo. she’s def got more character to her than some of the other women (once again, mr. ape) but she’s just not my type of girl !! i think we’re.... too alike probably. same thing w/ my thing w/ himboish guys.. i try not to surround myself w/ ppl that remind me of myself very often. still lov her tho i promise

9. leah: i feel like leah couldve had more potential in game imo, i dont really think there’s that much to her (thanks mr. ape) but i KNOW she’d beat someone up for me and i love that for both of us. she seems sooo chill and nonjudgemental. she’d buy me food if i couldn’t pay for it at the time </3 i do love her a lot

10. alex: oh boy hot stupid boy but misogynistic comments. granted! high hearts he’s much better but its the getting past that. i like his character at high hearts (also its just funny to headcanon him reacting to other characters) but.. alex i lov u but jesus christ. wouldn’t feel safe around him early game but later on i kno he’d beat up another guy for me <3

11. sebastian: him pushing the farmer (me) away at any chance is a huge turn off for meeeee and i just dont like!! men that are rude. obvi higher hearts hes not anymore but if not for completion sake i wouldnt have gotten to know him. i dont really like edgy guys bc i feel like there’d be more gaslighting and instability. also pelican town only has room for one goth seb stay in the basement </3 sdlkslkd

12. shane: once again mean if i wanted a man to be mean to me i’d walk outside my house. i don’t even reallyyy like his high hearts character (esp w his drinking after marriage) i just lkdlsdk drinking is a big turn off for me (family issues) and i understand why he’s like this i just. it doesn’t excuse it. i’m not his mother i refuse to cater to him bc of his issues. we all have issues.. u cant just treat people bad bc of them!! 

[onegayastronaut]

Worry (Carol Danvers x Kara Danvers x Reader)

Requested by @chonisbestmistake :��Okay, but what about Carol Danvers x fam!reader x Kara Danvers? Y/N constantly worrying her ass out because of them being in danger and thinking she's not enough cuz she's just a human. She never tells anything but she cant have this feelings locked up inside her anymore and so she blows up. The girls are shook but make sure she feels loved and safe again. I know its different universes but i so wanna date them both💞💞💞

Words:1302

Getting out of bed for the last few months have been a struggle, but you would be the last person to complain. Every morning had a similar routine: wriggling out of bed as inconspicuously as possible and making coffee before one of your girlfriends speeds down the stairs and picks you up to get back into bed again. Most of the time it’s Kara doing the picking up because Carol is usually too grumpy to get out of bed in the morning. However, you know exactly how Carol likes her coffee so you’re the only person who can bug Carol to get out of bed without facing any consequences.

Most of your mornings were spent with finding Kara sleeping in her super-suit with an arm over you. However, that wasn’t always the case. Carol was often gone with the Avengers whereas Kara barely got any sleep juggling her job at Catco and her work as Supergirl. You loved the fact that both of your girlfriends were superheroes, but you couldn’t lie: it was frustrating being the only human in the relationship. Both of your girlfriends can be seen flying around the world, if not other galaxies, saving lives and you were stuck at home worrying about their safety. The worst part was that you couldn’t do anything about it except turn on the news and hope for the best.

Kara has been gone for the past week on what seemed to be the yearly crisis, and Carol was at the Avengers base about to head out to another mission in some faraway galaxy. Loneliness was a part of life whenever they were both gone, but the bigger issue was the knot of worry in your stomach whenever you returned home from work and turned on the TV. People always said that “no news was good news”, but that was the part that infuriated you the most. You wanted to know if Kara and Carol were okay, but you didn’t have clearance from either SHIELD or the DEO to see if they were even alive or not. All you could do was send them a text and hope that Netflix could distract you from your worries.

-----

It had been three weeks since your girlfriends had each gone on their respective missions, but to you, it seemed like they’ve been gone forever. You had just gotten into bed when you saw a bright light from outside your window. Knowing that the light could only be from Carol, you went to open the window. What you did not expect to see was both Kara and Carol floating outside your window with your favorite food in their hands.

“Hey, (Y/N)! Look what we got you!” The smiles on their faces would usually be enough to send a shot of warmth throughout your body, but for some reason, tonight you felt different. Instead of feeling happy, you were angry at both of them.

“Hey, guys. Come in before someone sees you.”

“What’s wrong?” Kara’s face was creased in a frown as she noticed the change in your tone. You were usually happy to see them come home, but tonight you barely even looked at either of them as they came in through the window. Carol set the bags of food quietly behind you and waited for you to talk.

“I don’t want to talk about it. And I’m tired. Can we go to sleep?”

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Kara used her superspeed to pick you up and put you on her lap on the couch. Her frown deepened when you moved irritably off her lap.

“Where were you? And where were you?” You now turned to Carol. “I don’t hear anything for weeks and now the two of you are suddenly back, acting as if nothing happened. Does either of you know how worried I’ve been since you’ve been gone? I’m only a human, so it’s not like I can help either of you if something happened. All I get to do is sit here and wait! I’m sick and tired of not hearing from either of you for weeks just for one or both of you to waltz in like you’ve never been gone. ” You were surprised as to how loud you’ve gotten as you talked, and stopped before you got any further.

“I was at the Avengers base coordinating a joint mission with Peter and Thor. I was on Asgard most of the time, and I wasn’t in any danger with the team having my back.” Carol came up and hugged you from behind. “I’m sorry I didn’t call and made you worried. I’ll see if Tony can give me something to communicate with you when I’m in another galaxy.”

“And I was on the new planet my mom is helping build. It was nice seeing my mom, but not so nice considering there was a rival planet sending their military to surround the planet. I’m also sorry for making you worry about me.” Kara ended the sentence with a mumble, and you immediately felt bad for your outburst.

“You’re not any less powerful just because you’re human, you know.” Carol picked you up and sat beside Kara.

“Yeah. I’m still sort of scared of Alex, and she’s human just like you.” Kara put her head on your lap and closed her eyes. “Just because you’re human doesn’t mean you can’t intimidate superheroes.”

“I think the secret is to not worry so much about us.” Carol put a finger on your mouth before you could protest. “I know it’s hard, and I think it’s adorable that you’re worried about me and Kara. You’re the main reason why I keep going. All I want you to know is that not only am I the most powerful Avenger, but I’ll also always find my way back to you, no matter how far away I am.

“Same for me here.” Kara lifted her head from your lap and kissed you on the cheek. “I promise to never leave you hanging for so long again.”

“Okay.” It was your turn to mumble. You felt bad for exploding at your girlfriends earlier on in the night, but that feeling went away as soon as you heard Kara’s stomach growling. 

“You hungry?” Kara nodded as she looked at the stack of food that she and Carol had brought in.

“I’m hungry too.” Carol stood up to get the food, but Kara beat her to it. “Don’t even think about it, Danvers!”

“Danvers yourself, hand me those potstickers!”

“I ordered three boxes so that me and Carol could have some too!”

“Not if I have anything to say about that.”

“Ew, Carol! Chew with your mouth closed, you’re spraying food everywhere!” You managed to catch a sushi roll thrown by Carol in your mouth and threw a potsticker back in her direction. Kara, never wanting to be left out of a food fight, threw two potstickers at both of you and made away with the box before either of you could stop her.

Alex had wanted to come over to your apartment and spend the night watching 80’s movies until you fell asleep. You had given her a key to your place in case something happened, and over the months the two of you developed such a close friendship she had permission to stop by whenever she wanted. She had headphones on so she didn’t hear the squeals of laughter come from your room and opened the door before knocking. A piece of sushi nearly hit Alex on her way in, and she quickly closed the door and turned to walk out. She was glad that her sister was back, but nothing was worth getting into a food fight with that one. Movie night was going to have to wait until later.

[enigma-im]

House on Fire

Rating: Teen Relationship: Ifrit and Human!Female Warning: Platonic, Confrontation Therapy, Fear of Fire, Stress, Panic, ‘Take on step forward, I take two steps back’, Cursed, Bound to an Elemental

Word Count: 2,718

              Pyrophobia is the fear of fire.

------------------------------------------

My feet ache. I think there is a hole in my shoe. I'm not positive but I can feel the gravel dig into my arch as I walk. It doesn’t help that my shoes are basically socks at this point. Should have prepared better for a long walk in the woods. It's not smart to begin with to take this trip. The woods are dangerous for anyone traveling alone.

But I guess I'm not traveling alone.

"Can I at least get a hint," he asks. I don’t even part a glance at the voice. It's bad enough I'm holding him so near. Sure there is a box dividing us but it still makes me sweat.

The Ifrit shakes the box as he moves about inside. Adjusting himself to sit comfortably. I try my hardest not to think about it -him. I just stare blankly at the nearly overgrown path. Trying to focus on the trees framing the walkway. Focus on the birds chirping or the few clouds ghosting overhead. Anything to not think about the fire in the box.

"Come on, I got into the box, the least you can do is answer my question," I see the lid slowly lift up. Before the light inside can shine I slam my hand on the top. "Ow," he cries. I take in a deep breath as my fingers grip the box tightly. My knuckles turning white as I focus on the path. Not paying attention to the rising anxiety. Feeling his heat from the box, or maybe I'm feeling my own sweaty palms. I can't tell the difference anymore.

I keep my gaze forward. I won't think about it. I can't think about it. He will be gone soon. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bright reflection. I flinch before I snap my head in its direction. I see the sun reflecting over a nearby river. But it doesn’t process for a second, all I see is fire.

I hate fire.

<<<<<<>>>>>>

I look up at the crooked sign hanging from two short chains. 'Rustic Cavern' the witch's house. I drop my gaze to the large door. Taking a deep breath I push forward.

The door opens, hitting a bell resting overhead. I look up at the small silver ringer.

"Hello dearie, what can I do for you today," I spot an elderly woman towards the back of the cottage. She is standing by a kitchen island, fiddling with some plants.

"Hi," I step in letting the door close behind me," you are Terresa the local witch?"

"That I am," she nods. She sorts the plucked bushels before dusting off her hands. Walking over to me with a friendly smile. She has a nice aura, giving a visiting grandma vibe.

"I'm Darlene and I have a question," I tuck my hands behind myself.

"And hopefully I have an answer, ask away young one," she stops near her table that sits beside the front window.

"Well, I have an issue I need resolved. I have a very bad phobia and I was curious if you could get rid of it somehow," I ask nervously.

"That depends on the phobia. If it's of an object I might be of help but if it's of commitment or something then probably not. If I couldn’t cure my last boyfriend's commitment issue then I don’t think I could fix yours," she laughs at her own joke.

"No, its nothing like that. It's um," I hesitate," its fire."

She raises an eyebrow," Fire?"

I fiddle with my fingers behind my back," Yea, I can't stand the sight of it. Being near it makes me a nervous wreck and it's gotten difficult with the cold season soon approaching. The nights longer and the cold trying to enter my home. I can't bare the task of starting the hearth."

"that would be an issue, how long have you had this phobia," she leans against the table. Crossing her arms, making me feel insecure. It’s a reasonable fear, fire is dangerous. Still, its many uses are important for today's way of living.

"Since I was a child," I glance around the house.

"How have you gotten along since then," she squints her eyes," Cant image you had a lot of warm winters then."

"I had help, my brother would deal with fires during the winter. But he has recently wedded and moved out. Now I have to take care of myself," I answer. She stares at me a bit longer, pondering over my words.

"Well, give me a second and I will see what I can do," she gives a quick smile then darts off to a back room. I hear her jostle some things around. Loud clanks or soft thuds emit from the back. I stand where I am till she returns

"A-ha," she yelps triumphantly. She soon appears from behind the wall holding a box. Its light brown with dark splotches about it. It doesn’t look like it has a seam for which to open. It just looks like a hunk of wood with a sigil on the top.

I curiously wander over as she sets it on the table, "What's this?"

"A potential cure for your troubles," she passes me a smirk. She pulls out a chair beside me," Now sit."

I follow her demand, resting my hands on the table as I sit. She takes the seat across from me. Holding the box between her hands.

"This is a trick I learned a long time ago about curing phobias, it can be quick or lasting depending on the person. For some, it takes years to work. But if you truly work hard and keep an open mind then this will work, do you understand," She looks up at me. I nod my head, passing glances at the box. "Good, now give me your hand," she holds her palm out. I pass her my hand, resting it in hers. Before I can react she pulls out a dagger and slices my palm. I retract but she holds firm. Quickly shoving my hand onto the box. I grab the table and try to retch my hand away. The witch closes her eyes and mumbles some words. I feel heat travel from my fingers to my wrist then up to my arm. The sensation stops just below my elbow.

"Stop," I shout. She ignores me still mumbling to herself. I glare down at my hand, gasping when I see gold wrap around my wrist. An intricate design bleeds from the box, connecting with gold on my arm. I watch terrified as the strands pull taught on my skin.

Then everything stops and she lets me go. I fall back into the wood chair, cradling my hand to my chest.

"what was that," I snap. The woman rests her hands on the box, smiling up at me. She pushes to box to me, stopping a few inches from the edge.

"This is yours now," she laughs," open it."

I massage my wrist as I glare between her and the box. I lean forward timidly, looking the thing over. It no longer lacks a seam. There is a line about half an inch from the top. The sigil from before not glows gold. I curiously reach forward, touching the design. The box feels warm to the touch. I grab the lid and slowly tilt it open. The second there is a space between the top and the box a blinding orange light shines. I jerk, knocking the lid off as I do.

The light swirls out the box, flowing to a single area beside the table. Conforming a shape in the chair. It forms into a body, keeping the orange light but also adding red and black. After a short moment details add to the figure. Making out the curves and features of a person.

Now sitting in a chair is a man. He is glowing and flickering. He looks like he is on fire. The man is fire.

"No," I scream as I shoot out of the chair. The man looks over to me, eyeing me. I trip over my feet as I back up. Frantically clawing the wall when I run into it. I hyperventilate, near tears, as I stare at the creature. "W-What is that," I shout to the old woman. The crazy old woman.

"That is an Ifrit," she gestures casually to the terrifying elemental, "He is fire itself."

"Why… why would you summon him," I panic. The Ifrit tilts his head at me.

"Confrontation therapy, dear," the woman laughs, "The best way to get over something is to know about it." I can't believe her words. I can't do this.

I slide against the wall, keeping my eyes on the being. He too watches me, he looks concerned. I make my way to the door.

"Don’t leave so soon, I haven't explained the rules yet," the woman rests her head on her palm.

"Rules," I nearly look away from him," what rules?"

"The rules of your bond," she smirks, " He is bound to you now, so there are rules."

"Bound to me," I shout," What are you talking about?" the man's head tilts as he looks me over. His hands raise and sit on the table. I nearly whimper as I see the dark char covering most of his body. Only cracks showing the fire below.

"I used your blood to free him, now you two are bound," she explains," Now the only way to break that bond is to get over your fear. Once you no longer fear him then the bind is broken and he will be free."

"No, I didn’t agree to this," I snap," I refuse, I can't do this."

"Sorry, don’t have that choice now. He follows you wherever you go," she gives a wicked grin. I don’t listen to her, I cant. My blood rushes in my ears and my legs beg for me to move. Who am I to ignore them

Without a backward glance, I run out of the cottage. I follow down the path quickly back into town. I rush past some familiar faces as I race home.

I hop over my gate and slam into my door. Fumbling with my key I unlock the door and rush inside. I turn and quickly slam the door close. My hands pressed against the wood, using all my body weight to keep it closed. I drop my head between my arms and catch my breath.

There is a person made of fire. There is literally nothing I can think worse than that. It's walking, living fire. The image of him plays in my mind. I find it difficult to calm my breathing. My body is soaked in sweat from both running and my panic.

"He is gone," I mumble to myself. I repeat it until I calm. I turn and rest my back to the door. Closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. I finally settle down. I drop my head to my shoulder, taking one last deep breath.

"Hello," I snap my head up," I feel we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Agni."

I fall to the floor.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

"Can I at least stretch my legs, it's very cramped in here," Agni groans. I don’t answer him, I have never answered him. I keep on the path, trying not to think of him. "Just five minutes, you can keep walking too," he tries to persuade. I look over at the river. Pondering throwing him in.

He keeps quiet for a few more feet, I foolishly think he is going to stay silent.

"I can't take it," he growls. The box begins shaking in my hand. I panic, forcing the box closed. Something pushes back, I feel the lid lift. I quickly wrap my arms around the cursed thing. Using all my might to keep him contained. "Don’t fight me," he grunts in exertion. With a quick burst, the box falls from my hands. The lid separates from the bottom, flying forward on the path. The base lands upside down on the gravel.

I watch tensely as the box lifts and a tiny hand reaches out. A small creature crawls out from underneath. It grows slowly as it stands. Agni stretches his arms backward as he begins to increase in size. Quickly becoming full height, leaning back and popping his back. He twists side to side then rotates his arms.

I stand stalk still, eyes wide. He rests his hands on his hips as he looks around. When he spots me he stares.

"hi," he waves.

I bolt.

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>

"Please get out of the river, you will catch a death of a cold," Agni shouts from the river bank. I stand up to my thighs in freezing water. I cross my arms and glare at him. I shake my head. He groans," I'm sure that water is freezing, just come back over." I shake my head again.

He rolls his eyes and walks over to a boulder near the water. He climbs on top it and sits crisscrossed. He rests his head on his palm with his elbow on his knee.

"I guess we shall wait here till you grow up or die," he shouts. I hold strong,

My legs begin to cramp as I stand, balanced on rounded pebbles. I start to shiver as the cold seeps into my bones. I still hold strong, a little discomfort is fine for now. I can't go back while he is sitting there. I glare at him as he picks at the rock he is sitting on. Flicking pebbles into the water.

"Is it funny that you have more fire than me," Agni calls out," I couldn’t be this stubborn for so long." I don’t answer. He leans back on his hands, stretching his legs out in front of himself. "Well since you won't talk I shall," he looks towards the sky," it's going to be dark soon. How did you plan to camp out in the woods?" he glances back at me. "I think you didn’t think that far ahead. Just stubborn as you are stupid," he shakes his head," I shouldn’t be too hard on you. I understand your fear, fire is dangerous. But its meant to be respected not feared, like a sword. If used properly than its an important tool."

I continue glaring.

"So stubborn, you know I'm here to help right? I won't hurt you, I'd feel terrible if I ever did. I can teach you how to respect fire, not be so terrified of it. All you have to do is get out of the water and be open-minded," he tries to argue.

"Get back into the box," I shout. He jumps at my voice, probably not expecting me to answer him.

"Now you talk, progress I guess," he sits up, "Now just to get you out of the river."

I shake my head.

"Alright then, baby steps," he huffs. Agni kicks his feet to the side and slides off the rock. He walks to the very edge of the river, his toes barely touching the water. "I want you to know you are safe, I cannot come near you," he gestures to the water," So I want you to get used to looking at me without a glare or panic. You think you can do that?" I sneer at him, "Alright, not what I meant but I will take the victory as tiny as it may be."

"Get back in the box," I shout again. Agni drops his shoulder with a frustrated groan.

"I'm not getting back in the damn box! Why should I suffer because you don't want to look at me," he calls out. Which is a fair question, though I will not answer it. Watching him begin to pace along the bank plants a seed in my chest, how very human of him. It's oddly helpful to see something so terrifying and dangerous as an Ifrit pacing frustrated by a river. Displaying a relatable quality that I find myself latching onto.

I guess one step at a time couldn't hurt, though baby steps may be the extent of my cooperation.

--------------------------------------------------

House on Fire by Rise Against. not a classic rock song but it felt a little fitting. it was that or Fire burning by Secret Weapons and that as way too on the nose. right up there with I See Fire by Ed Sheeran.

Platonic story, nothing too exciting. I personally have a phobia of spiders like i will cry if i have to be around one- i have cried. I get the whole ‘no one understand your fears’. its annoying that i have to ask people for help to get rid of a tiny spider and them berating you for it as they rid the pest.

though its weird, i’m terrified of spiders but driders are fine and video games spiders aint shit. almost therapeutic to kill a frostbite spider in skyrim with fire.

either way, this story felt a bit easier to write knowing first hand how ridiculous your body gets around your fears. though hers is way more understanding, fire can fuck you up.

also, Agni means fire. it’s Hindu

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[whatthefuuuuuuccckkkk]

okay this is my last post I know I'm being very annoying and I hate to clog the tag but I just have to scream into the void for a while if you disagree or you're annoyed with me please just scroll past this rant thank you

- the hitman plot. god. we all hate that shit. what I realllllly hate is how long and drawn out it is. should've been one episode tops, like when dean tried it. I want to say, that obviously it's not gonna work bcz it would be stupid to kill off the character carrying the entire show, but at this point maybe they are gonna kill him off??? idfk. maybe it's a punishment for all the people (everyone) who like him. truthfully the whole "murder is our only way out of this" attitude is disappointing and seemingly out of character for all of the girls. Boomer attacked annie and they let him fuckin live. They knew he was a fuckin rapist piece of shit, and a regular piece of shit too, but couldn't kill someone. But apparently killing someone beth, at one point, felt some typa way about...smh..apparently that is A ok and they don't even explore other options or feel the least bit guilty?? even when they "mourned" boomer it was more about marion than him. But rio and his whole ass innocent child are not a thought at all??? Wild. Truly. Also....what do they think will happen?? If I were a gang leader's right hand the first person I would check upon seeing my boss get murdered would probably be the person who tried to murder him last time lmao. Do they really think they would get away with it? Even if they didnt get caught, they wouldnt be off the hook. Surely mick would just keep things going, with even less leeway. And what happens when their illegal activities bite them in the ass when Rio is gone? Who are they gonna blame everything on? Who is gonna clean up their mess? No one. And this whole "I'm not doing it, wait yes I am, wait no I'm not, wait I'm gonna do it" thing the hitman is doing is...not it. I'm assuming were gonna get an explanation about how he knew that this was a crime of passion (lol)

-beth beth beth......you know there is a theory floating around that she has serious ptsd and I actually would love to see that explored but that shit ain't happening lol. I'm tired of feeling like I'm analyzing her character. At what point is it too much. She's hard to read but I think it has crossed the line over complex and ventured into poor characterization. She's gotten chances and chances and I'm tired. And dean. God I'm tired. I feel like all season I've been watching beth do the same thing, play good wifey, risk her (and Annie's and Ruby's) life by doing stupid shit..and that's basically it. Face some fckn consequences for your actions please. Take some responsibility. I feel like the show is showing us inklings of...something...bubbling underneath the surface but it's not our job to fill in the blanks or interpret shit. I do not work for nbc. I'm not getting paid for this. What is this girl thinking trying to get rio to invest in hot tubs (bless her calling dean an idiot. fuck this show for making him suddenly a good salesman) while trying to kill him. Does she think he dies and suddenly she owns it?? Makes zero sense. Also unpopular opinion i dont like that she caused a scene with the pool ball. Like....of course he isnt listening to you....you shot him...3 times....then stole from him....and have been screwing him over repeatedly.

-dean just....no. I understand that beth has so much going on in her life right now that divorce isn't exactly on her mind and dean is the last trace she has left of a normal life so shes holding onto it for dear life.....actually no. I do not know if any of that is actually true or if I'm just interpreting wrong. Because the subtext and editing and parallels and all that would be fine and dandy but not when that's all the show is at this point. If dean cheating yet again is not gonna make beth leave him, nothing will. I want his screentime to be 30 seconds and nothing more.

-im just not invested in the boland children. Annie and ruby have both struggled real bad, but beth, the one in the deepest, has 4 children who are somehow unaffected by this?? Not to mention the whole divorce, wait never mind, oh look a gang leader hanging out with mommy again, oh look our house is empty, type stuff happening. Beth's kids should be going through it but for some reason they arent? Maybe it's because child labor laws or something lol.

- rio. At this point I'm rooting for him for than anything. But I genuinely do not know why he hasnt killed beth. She's proven herself to be more of a liability than an asset and I just cannot understand why he hasnt killed her. Unless it's the whole "feelings" route, which wouldve made him look dumb, but made sense based on what we were given. This is actually the direction I thought the season was going but now it just seems like he is a bad businessman lol. Obviously she cant die for the sake of the show, but its like they didnt even try to make it make sense. He definitely knows about the hitman btw. I dont really blame him for anything he's done with beth so far. He robbed her in retaliation. He had to cut her off when she started acting shady. 🤷‍♀️ he let's her get away with too much tbh. It's a shame that this character isnt being utilized. Its like they are banking on this mysterious aura to keep working, but we are 3 seasons in and it's a little old now. I personally think that they just don't know what to do with him now. Also can I point out how dumb he looks showing beth that he is doing business at the carwash, why would he give her more information than she needs when he is suspicious of her? I cant tell if I was happy with how unphased he looked about her outburst or if I wish he checked her.

-mick. Did his side plot with beth die? How does it seem like this show simultaneously moves through plots every episode but is also stuck in the same one for the entire season? I also think mick is not being utilized. As funny as it is for him to be a built in 3rd wheel all the time, they could do so much more. Like can you imagine if beth mouthed off or fucked up and mick checked her? The possible ways a plot like that could go...untapped potential.

-ruby. Ah...I remember when I thought her and stan's fight was dragging for too long. Miss those days. See even tho ruby and stan seem to have the same issue over and over it's not the same story. Pen cap, new job, sarah stealing, all the same fight, but with different stories. And it really seems like Ruby's always going through it but I appreciate the variety. Stan's storyline has been interesting but I dont know how much it relates to the central plot. Sarah....great. that actress is so talented and even tho shes an attitude machine (what preteen is not) i just love her scenes. Harry seems to be missing a lot. The hills are the only part I seem to enjoy anymore. Really wish the show would explore why ruby seems to be the one who keeps getting caught up with the law...I wonder what it could be....what is different about her..hm...

- annie. Backtracked so much. Wish she had a single plot that didnt revolve around men. Now shes trying to cheat on her GED. Where's the snark? Where's the wit? It seems like all she is now is a codependent insecure mess. And I'm tired of this fuckass therapist. I thought her study montage was gonna end in a "she didnt need anyone but family (:" lesson but it did not for whatever reason. I thought by bringing a therapist into the show it was gonna give us more of a look at Annie's and Beth's upbringing and relationship. Or help annie work through her issues, the boomer thing too. Or maybe lead to Beth's ptsd diagnosis. Therapy could've helped move the plot forward or help the characters grow, but it's doing the opposite of that. If its not contributing to the main plot, what is its purpose? To give annie yet another terrible love interest?

To summarize....I hate it here.

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

[melto]

//

ok for the past few hours ive been able to like...actually let myself think without panicking  and stuff. but i think i really need to address the effect of unpacking my csa stuff is having on me right now. like yes ive always had a really bad relationship with the concept of guilt especially around relationships, but its extremely amplified from actually having to think about it. i dont really know how to take care of myself when its something i have been refusing to even think about since it happened. and this is only from vaguely bringing it to mention. im having a hard time separating my usual issues that i have been able to control and work on with all this stuff that feels knew. i dont know how to rationalize with it anymore because its so fowl and challenging it means i have to admit what happened to me.

its completely warping my view of myself so ive been backtracking in everything it feels like ive created these loops that just feed off each other and then i get too overwhelmed with it plus the just general bumps in my day to day life. usually when i fall back into disordered eating stuff, its on accident and its pretty easy to get myself back on track...and i think realizing that right now its not just a natural slip of oh i didnt eat a lot today so the next day my body is like wig dude but rather i am actively choosing not to eat even though im hungry because i want to control since everything seems so out of my hands right now and i feel helpless. i dont do good with not being busy all the time, and while i know that overworking myself isnt healthy it was the way i was getting through the days while i figured other stuff out. but now i do nothing all day and i cant focus and breathe or relax. the feeling of disconnect between me and everyone in my life is intensified and ive lost track of the very small amount of sense of self i had that its hard for me to talk with the few people that i did feel connected to because i dont.....ugh. im never good at explaining this stuff but the lack of roles in my life by doing things has made me feel like a shell of a person and like im empty with nothing to offer even more than before so i just. sit here. i was starting to get ok at being vunerable but now i dont know how to actually reach out again and for some reason ive managed to convinced myself yet again that i actually cant be vunerable bc its selfish and others need me to support them and honestly it had been feeling like no one even actually cared about my wellbeing when i did so i just reverted back into this weird complex. i know people dont only care about me to that if i do end up dead they dont have to feel guilty for not trying. i know its not true but it feels like it a lot.

the situation at work isnt helping with that either. i literally.....dont want to talk about that right now. ive had to think about it so much recently bc a full time staff is working on the stuff with me bc its gotten so bad...but god between that and just in general i feel so like. seen and stared at but never heard. its so frustrating but sometimes i dont think i’d listen to me either.

 its so much easier right now to just feel bad and suffer so i dont have to think about anything. but its not fair to the people around me or myself to be like that. i know i can do better and get better. and i know recovery isnt like just an easy thing and it will always have ups and downs and its a lifelong thing...

i want to be good for myself and everyone i come across. i want to grown and heal and i want to be content and maybe even happy. im usually good at being positive and hopeful but i guess ive been losing it a bit...i’d like to have it back. sure when i was up and not in the place i am presently i still had issues. i still didnt have a solid sense of myself and i still felt like i couldnt connect with people and my paranoia would get so bad that i would have meltdowns in the street thinking a mailbox is a man. i still was all fucked up from the way i was abused and rejected by family and my memory has always been so spotty that its frustrating for everyone.

but at least i hadnt let it take away the kindness or whatever. maybe im being too critical of myself. but it was something i could count on to have for myself and others. i want to start working to have it play a major role in my life again. it made me feel good, even when i wasnt in a good head place. i dont want to die no matter how much i convince myself i do. ive tried to write goodbye letters, ive sat with my meds in my hands and i just...cant. i think i want to be alive, truly. and not just out of obligation. even if thats how ive kept myself until now before.

so i think im gonna...try to figure out a better plan to take care of myself during this. like sit down and write it out and set it up so i can work to get back to the place i was and then grow from there. i’ll be good, i will...

[mastcrplanncr-a]

issue #23 made me really heccin’ emo over eggman and sonic. i was prepared for it, but also ?? not prepared??? holy frick im just gonna ramble under the cut.

first of all, i’m just gonna’ idly ramble about some things i noticed.

Eggman, literally 11 issues ago:

he makes these off remarks and then changes his mind whenever it’s convenient for him smh. that or hes a freaking liar and. WELL THAT’S PRETTY TRUE HONESTLY.

i’ma be honest fam starline is a freaking mood rn. it’s ?? so dumb?? LIKE EGGMAN WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING FAILSAFE UR SOLUTION WAS “not touching the robots hurr durr” PL EASE.

In retrospect, though, this is an interesting parallel to Forces because he’d apparently learned from his mistakes. TBF, and it has been brought up elsewhere on tumblr, this is a man recovering from amnesia. He must’ve just not gotten to that part. OR HE’S JUST. DUMB AND ARROGANT. Like, yeah, sure, there’s no vaccine - lol the heroes can’t fix anything & it also means you’re valuable because you’re the one person who can. BUT COME ON EGGMAN.

my friend actually predicted this holy shit. i was rambling abt a discussion we had in the egg cult, where we were talking about the possibility of sonic infecting eggman to blackmail him into getting the cure because he’s reached the point?? hes so done with eggman’s shit??? all his friends are in danger and hes backed into a wall what else is he to do than do the one thing he doesn’t want to: use eggman’s tactics against him?

and my friend was like:

LIKE. IT IS A HUGE RISK, and Sonic went FOR IT. I’M SCREAMING TBH.

THIS CONFRONTATION WAS SO FUCKING RAW YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I thought I was ready for it but I really, REALLY wasn’t. I love the little details of Starline bein’ like: “oh fuck” - usually he’s pretty cocky around Sonic but uh. HE’S INFECTED NOW. And the zero remark - idk if that’s intentional on the writer’s part but ZERO TO HERO anyone?

anyway toxi broke down crying at this point. you have no idea how much i was sobbing over my blue son just. pouring out his heart to his nemesis. that’s top tier tearjerking material.  also starline passive aggressively readjusting his outfit lmfao. BITCH IM FABULOUS. but man the usage of ‘ BE’ and ‘LIKE’ - Sonic knows who Eggman is; he’d never ask him to be something he’s not. but it’s also a reiteration of sonic’s want to see good in him; being LIKE tinker is a statement in that he wanted eggman to be who he was, but NOT to go back. to do good for the world. have it be his own decision, because deep deep down:

isn’t that what he really wants?

Also, although there are those sickly sweet descriptions, the usage of ellipses in this narrative really fucks me up because you can practially hear the gradual realization in eggman’s voice. his mockery starts out so !!! but it just eventually gets straight to the point, as a list. as a routine. because he was used to it. and because, some part of him misses it. notice the usage of ‘need’ and ‘use’. they needed him, and yet he used the people that appreciated him sm like puppets.

some nice guilt there, huh, doc?

ALSO I SPENT LIKE, HOURS TRYING TO FIND THIS EXACT DIALOGUE, but Eggman has a conversation in Dark Brotherhood with Sonic and makes this remark:

LIKE??? this isn’t new to his character, actually? Ignoring the ken penders thing bc smh. Going by this game he’s actually kind of okay with that set up. And he just works so well with the others too??? this isn’t even taking into account the other games he’s teamed up with them. I’m sorry but my head just goes back to this line so many times; it’s one of the ones that stick with me, along with ‘complicated guy’ from lost world. HE COULD!! legitimately do good. and he actually doesn’t find it too bad??? IM EMO MAN...

and IMAGINE making super cool things that people genuinely like... eggman has a HUGE ego, that much is very apparent; he’s super big on appreciation as comes with. and with tinker? he had that - he felt appreciated and loved. people LIKED what he made, and he didn’t have to bend over backwards to have that. his work felt included and he didn’t have to take that appreciation by force like he did with his lackeys (which half the time was fake anyway) .

first and foremost - WE SEE THAT OPEN YOUR HEART REFERENCE, IDW. also sonic’s frustration here, in comparison to the lil smile the panel before - he’s just!! “WHY CANT YOU WAKE THE FRICK UP OLD MAN”. the justification here seems a tad bit like DENIAL to me. and the justification seems... kind of odd from him? since when does EGGMAN justify anything he does? He does what he wants and when he wants, because he’s the E.G.G.M.A.N. he doesn’t care what anyone thinks... right?

it’s because - especially with the usage of better - he didn’t like where that train of thought was going. for once, he’s justifying himself - because the alternative is admitting sonic is right. that he did like that life. that he’d want to go back. throw it in a hierachy and it’s all so simple, right?

also the inclusion of open your heart lyrics here. the incident with chaos was just as catastrophic. and these lyrics in context of the previous panel, highlights how sonic and eggman both seek unity and peace but in their own ways; eggman’s is just evil. it seems a little bit of a diversion to me - to antagonise sonic and make him forget about it. what better way to do that than to relate to him? ‘own styles that we won’t change’ highlights a stubbornness in ways, too, especially with the current context of eggman denying his old life. ALSO IT IS LITERALLY TELLING EGGMAN TO OPEN HIS HEART.

and ngl this seems like idle banter to hide the fact he genuinely felt remorse for his actions for a second. because lbr he has a habit of being all talk when a plan goes wrong or suffering inside,

which starline does quite pointedly explain.

As I was saying above, Sonic has no choice in what to do now - he’s reaching his limit. OR ELSE. hes pondering doing the thing he doesnt want to do. and honestly, ‘you can’t stop me. no one can,’ is so hardhitting not just because of its looming threat, but because of how much it solidifies for sonic that he can’t take the chance anymore. if anyone is going to change eggman, it has to be himself.

also can i just cry over how much sonic trusts tails. im getting sa2 flashbacks.

also man i’d like to point out the specific use of ‘lock you away forever’. it coooould be a reference to sonic’s time imprisoned during the events of sonic forces. bitterness?

NOT SAYING I CALLED IT, BUT I CALLED IT. it still hurts though. and wow, it really is horrifying when eggman fears his own heccin’ creation, huh?

i live for sonic being passive aggressive with eggman. give me more please.

im immensely concerned the direction starline is going, honestly. but it does say a lot about eggman; how he’ll keep trying the same things expecting different results, but failing and never seeing that. because he’s EGGMAN; every plan is brilliant by default!

i love how sonic just !!! SHOT... THE MOMENT HE WAS REMINDED WHAT WAS AT STAKE. son i love you so much you’re doing great sweetie

also, man, can we talk about eggman avoiding his blatant faults, and shoving his failures onto someone else? because this little scene here - eggman ur literally the one who crashed the thing. it had absolutely nothing to do with sonic. i feel as though this is symbolism of his self-destructive nature, honestly. hes always gotta make things harder for himself. (also starline’s face is killing me)

Eggman does what he has to, but technology won’t work every time you kick it. he thinks he can get everything through force but we have several instances in idw where force did NOT work out; you’re not gonna get far, egghead.

MHM, and just who does that sound like, Eggman? honestly the mirrors between these two are seriously destroying me. although sonic is in a horrible position, so is eggman; he likes to think he’s won the war, but hes surpassed his own expectations, and that’s going to backfire on him eventually. hes stubborn to admit he has NO REIGN over this and they’re all doomed, so he’s pinning his failures / loss on Sonic.

is that the amnesia kicking ya in the shin, eggman? or sonic’s reality check? either way, the doc hates emotions. dammit man why you gotta make him emo

future eggman is going to kick past eggman in the kneecaps. it’s times like this ur reminded how much of a kid he is. eugh but that’s work i want my victory and senseless destruction now. honestly if the doc is after success, he is certainly not getting it this way and I AM FEARING FOR EVERYONE’S LIVES. he’ll probably have to work with what’s left of the resistance like the back end of most games at some point.

I’m getting a little burnt out but i can’t forget my son and how much he hurts me.

first of all that third panel terrifies me. the fact it GOT that far does me great concern. the RED EYES? that’s pushing it fam i dont like that. the expressions are also just freaking destroying me; they’ve been PERFECT this issue. and the fact sonic is at his weakest when he feels like he’s failed everyone hurts me deeply. he has SO much on his shoulders and its getting too overwhelming for him.

also man... the whole thing with eggman... just stuff me man. but it hurts all the more because it’s so glaringly clear that there is?? some good in eggman??? he just. doesn’t want to admit it. and unfortunately these aren’t good circumstances to debate on that.

ANYWAY, THAT ISSUE WAS AGONY AND IM STILL REELING AND HAVENT EVEN. TALKED ALL THAT MUCH ABOUT SONIC HERE (on account of this being eggman’s blog) but idk if i’ll write anything on that.

gonna go cry about an egg now brb