#performative emotion

[valkerymillenia]

Something just hit me so hard about my autism.

I went to my job's Christmas party and as usual I was struggling a lot to socialize, I mask very well because I've had years of practice but it was still really hard to fit in, to actually engage, I didn't have enough of a script to fake it, it was hard to talk to people naturally, it was difficult and because of it, as usual, I got ignored and overlooked. But that's fine with me.

And then during the party I found out that my coworker who's been there less than a year and still struggles with the job is getting her contract renewed into a tenure position.

Now, what's the problem with that? The problem is that I've been working there for 3 years and they keep fucking around with my contracts, they even told me last month that they weren't renewing my contract because "my work is flawless and they like me but it's logistics, they currently don't have space for more tenured workers and if they renewed my contract they would have to give me tenure", so they are letting me go with the intent of re-hiring me in the near future (which can take anywhere from a month to a year) so they can do this all over again.

They've done this to me 3 times already. It's legal but it's not ethical.

And today I find out that this coworker, who is my neighbor and friend -and openly admits she's not a good fit for this job and that I definitely need it so much more than she does- is getting tenure (but she's much older and bubbly and socializes a lot with the rest of the staff while I only focus on the customers).

So obviously, I feel mocked. Obviously, I'm upset.

However, that's not what this post is about, that wasn't my realization.

You see, when I got home I told my father and he was furious and went on a rant about this.

And then he accused me of not doing enough, he accused me of not caring enough because I wasn't showing anger, I wasn't upset enough.

But I was upset, I was angry, I was livid, today has been a shit show on my emotions in several ways, even before the party... But I'm not good at showing my emotions, I'm not good at expressing what I feel at all, which is why I'm often accused of not caring about anything.

That was my realization.

All the neurotypicals expect me to perform emotion for them like a soap actor, just as they expect socialization in ways that don't interest me, and I don't know how to do that.

If you actually see me crying or really outwardly upset or angry screaming (that last one I can count in one hand how many times it's happened in my entire life), that's because I've reached a MASSIVE breaking point and you should probably keep an eye on me.

If I'm actually naturally talkative and bubbly with you, if I laugh and open up and info dump and act random and not scripted and polite, that means I trust you with my life and love you and feel comfortable with you, and believe me that only 3 or 4 people have ever seen that side of me.

The rest of the time I struggle showing emotion, often even struggle with understanding what I'm feeling at all.

And it just hit me today that that's not normal to the rest of the world, it just hit me today that even my own family doesn't get when I'm beyond upset or depressed because I always either look calm or I "look like I don't care".

I don't even know what to do with this realization, but it explains why people put so much on my shoulders and put so much pressure on me and take advantage of me so often- because I never show a limit.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Archery Nemesis.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[tarotphil]

absolutely normal uquiz don't worry about it 💌

[fluffylord]

This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

[veerbles]

“Were you trained as a dancer?” “An acrobat. My whole family are acrobats.” // “Some people see a magic trick and say, ‘Impossible!’ They clap their hands, turn over their money, and forget about it ten minutes later. [..] And then there are the ones who stay awake, running through the trick again and again, looking for that skip in perception, the crack in the illusion that will explain how their eyes got duped; they’re the kind who won’t rest until they’ve mastered that little bit of mystery for themselves. I’m that kind.”

Or: a kinder universe.

[dumpster-fire-sapphic-failgirl]

Whether they end up as besties, qpls, or *scissor hands* romantically entangled here are a few things I love about the Evan/Sam dynamic:

• Sam never fetishized Evan. K got a little weird last season and chunks of that seem to still be there.

• Sam doesn’t just “yes and” Evan. Jammer is the ultimate support friend. But Sam challenges him to be better. She doesn’t just let the crazy shit pass.

• Evan trusts Sam. She was the one he could fall into, and the one that he could protect the best by lending her his stats

• Even listens to Sam more than he listens to anyone (the boy has a lot of growing to do, but it’s a start)

• Given the option of all the knowledge in the world, Sam chose to know what would bring Evan back

• Sam is surrounded by artifice. Entertainment industry. A world where she can’t know who loves her and who has something to gain from her. Even among the magical misfits, Evan is the least likely to tell her anything but the truth.

Whatever they have is something special. Be it platonic, romantic, familial, or something in between, there is undoubtedly love.

and no matter how it turns out, I’m just glad we get to live in a world where such wonderful and heartbreaking performances are delivered by Brennan and Danielle and Erika and Lou, shepherded by the incomparable Aabria Iyengar

[hallucinatinghalos]

I don't think this contains spoilers but if you don't want to hear any book references or season 3 speculation be warned.

Reading the interview clip where Sam Reid said that Lestat is ripped from the stage by Magnus is wild because we know he knows the books, that's not how it happens there, so he's maybe let Rolin's version slip. Which, if holds true, would be a seismic change. Instead of being torn from Nicki's arms while they sleep, Lestat would be taken during a performance, in front of an audience. Surrounded by humanity, by those he loves, but not a soul can save him. The one place that brought him joy would now be connected to the trauma of Magnus and his turning. If he truly is going to be the catalyst for the theater becoming hunting grounds in the show, for better or worse, it would seem to be related to this change as well. Also, his rockstar moment would have a desperation to it that reflects the books but is tragic in its own way. It would all become devastating in a subtly different way than how Rice wrote it. Even events that only happen in the show would have a different impact. Like Armand first approaching him telepathically while he was on stage would now seem cruel and calculated, and later choosing to put the trial on stage. Sorry about the ramble but it blows my mind how much a small change, changes so much. The murder of the opera singer...the mocking of the Dracula film...the baby on the Mardi Gras float...would all feel different.

[alvin-draper]

certified gay episode of dr who. very queer. david tennant and neil patrick harris gave each other emotionally charged looks for 20 flat minutes. nph put on a silly little german accent and did a silly little drag routine to the spice girls. ncuti gatwa played high stakes catch on a rooftop in a shirt, a tie, his briefs, and a pair of high tops. the master's still kicking.

[thinwhitedoc]

SHERLOCK | Martin Freeman as John Watson

[marsatlasx]

dan and phil react to tampa theatre

11/16/24

[rocks-in-space]

That was one of the best d20 episodes ever <- me, about Misfits and Magic 2 every single week

[lokimobius]

"Listen. That wasn’t tactical. I lost it." LOKI S02E02 “Breaking Brad”

[ansonmountdaily]

STAR TREK: STRANGE NEW WORLDS 2x02 "Ad Astra Per Aspera"

[familiarbythyside]

the way i won’t be recovering from alicent telling rhaenyra ‘come with me.’

[noirve]

god, armand as a character is giving me serious brainrot. he's such a control freak because he desperately needs to derive meaning from something—anything. whether it's god, rituals, or coven life, he needs to give a purpose to his existence. this is why he upholds these stringent laws and regulations in both of his covens, which are ultimately destroyed by someone he loves who stands outside it all. and he kind of just allows that destruction, despite all of his power, because he is also... bored? it's like he's on autopilot, going through life in this meticulously constructed routine until he meets lestat and later louis, who both refuse to adhere to his carefully crafted structures and disrupt the status quo. this is attractive to armand because deep down, underneath his all masked emotions, he is very lonely and desperate for connection! which is just awfully human for such an ancient powerful being

imagine being this old and alone, how do you endure? armand tries to find value in these rigid structures because otherwise, his life feels empty. "he needs rules to give him purpose" but in the end, this doesn't fulfill him completely because, despite his feigned confidence and stoicism, he is insecure, needy, and traumatized. this is why he seeks out chaos despite having spent all this time trying to control everything and everyone around him. he lets it happen—for love, but also, i think, because unconsciously he desires that total loss of control, which allows him to actually feel something real. every few decades, he almost intentionally lets his entire world, the world he worked so hard to manipulate into his will, be ruined. yet, when he tells daniel he "let it happen," he is lying, too (at least about lestat) because he presents himself as more passive, composed, and reasonable than he really was when his way of life was threatened. he just tells himself that he wanted it that way all along so he remains the one in control. i need to see him crack

[secriden]

*cracks knuckles* Okay lets talk about the elephant in the room: Style going to the support group for those who've suffered loss and telling what appears to be a fake story about losing his pet dog.

I'm going to point out a few things that I think provide a framework for Style's actions here. Not because I think it excuses what he did, but because I think a nuanced read is what the character deserves.

Point 1: An irresistible opportunity

The subs put the "Support Group for Loss" on the image in the notebook, but I'm not sure there's anything to suggest that Style would've known that was what this image represents until he showed up and saw the sign on top of the door.

In episode 2, Bison says, "He plans everything down from years, months, weeks to days" and then tells Kant:

So Style is literally just going to addresses/locations at given days and times, potentially not knowing what to expect. And as much as Fadel is certainly attending this meeting as a response to having that heartbreaking flashback (😭), this is also something he attends regularly and has planned to attend way in advance. So Style has no reason to think Fadel is attending this meeting because of a recent resurfacing of his pain.

What we, the audience, and what the characters know are very different things.

Now, should Style have turned his cute ass right around once he realised what this meeting was? Of course he should. But that wouldn't have been true to Style's character. We've been told by his best friend that he is "crazy" and been shown repeatedly that he lives right up to that description.

Style is impulsive. He's all base instinct and he acts on his desires without thought or contemplation. And by this point he is desperate for a deeper connection with Fadel. He's fascinated, captivated by the mystery that is Fadel and this is an excellent opportunity to finally see behind the wall Fadel so carefully maintains.

When Style sees the sign above the door, Style looks at the notebook (which, again, shows nothing but people sitting in a circle with the words RISE UP) like he's just realising what it means. He then gets this amused, almost rueful look on his face (like he's thinking "am I really going to do this?") before it shifts to determination and he walks through the door.

(My soul for the ability to once again gif something because FUCK Dunk is doing SO MUCH in this show!!)

To Style, this is just too good of an opportunity to give up.

Because let's be real, Fadel is so clearly lying and hiding something:

Fadel is shady as FUCK. He is simultaneously actually a really good cook (Style finally tries his burger so he knows, now), and also has the skills to work at a strip host club, and also can take on 3 guys in a fight, and also can break a man's arm with his thighs. Can you honestly blame Style for losing his mind just a little bit about wanting to get his hands on something, anything, to figure this man out?

Style is being absolutely consistent in his persistence to understand Fadel. This isn't about the car or about finally 'winning' the fight (thank you @airenyah for giving such a detailed framework to understand what Style's been doing until this point) anymore. This is about Style wanting to know Fadel himself.

Point 2: The potential implications of the setting

Now, what might give us a bit of insight as to why Style is this way? I have a theory (albeit one that could prove to be very wrong, but hear me out). I think this whole entire show is set in what could potentially be quite a small town/suburb.

There's a few things that make this theory plausible:

(1) Fadel and Bison are in hiding after Bison blew their previous cover. They're probably on the run from some section of the authorities and so it makes sense to settle in a quiet/out of the way place.

(2) Style seems to be really familiar with the people in the area. Like he grew up there and its the kind of small town where everyone knows everyone and everyone is in everyone else's business.

(3) Style is clearly the darling of the market aunties and uncles.

Style just lost her a sale and potentially a loyal customer, and she's still rooting for him? In episode 2, when Style asks the uncle to let him borrow his cart, it takes nothing but his word for the uncle to give Style his entire cart of produce for his ridiculous scheme.

Style is so clearly someone they all know well and have great affection for, and a very plausible explanation for this is that they all watched him grow up and the entire market (town/village) is fond of him.

And honestly?? Yeah, we see the way Style is actually quite sweet in that careless, guileless, thoughtless way. He goes the extra mile to fix his mistake with Fadel by replacing his car parts for free in episode 1. He helps out by taking orders in episode 2 without being asked and takes it seriously. In episode 3, he tries to drive more business to Fadel's store (bless him, he so clearly does NOT understand how restaurants work, but he MEANS well!!), and can we all acknowledge that it works?? He understands how to appeal to potential customers in the area because he knows the people there. It's not (entirely) his fault that Fadel wasn't remotely prepared for an actual rush crowd and Bison was off getting kinky with Kant and not doing his (fake) job. He is so clear about not judging Fadel's host job and tries his hardest to help him (to absolutely NO effect, but still) when the 3 guys gang up on Fadel.

Style is so loved and more importantly so very loveable.

Point 3: What this could mean for Style's character

So, potentially, Style is someone who grew up in a small town, who has been well loved, potentially spoiled and coddled, but also very much kept within the confines of the narrow viewpoint that a quiet, country town places on you.

It's in the way his dad scolds him as if he was still a child when he's at least in his mid to late 20s. It's in the way Style was so mad at Fadel for scolding him ("thanks for the lecture, dad"), like that hit a sore point for Style. It's in the way no one in the market takes him seriously; they're fond, but he's still a kid in their eyes. It's in the way he has an abundance of free time like he doesn't REALLY need to work at his dad's shop. It's in the way he sees Fadel beat 3 guys up with ease, starts wondering if Fadel is an assassin or a hitman, and is completely unfazed like he doesn't quite have a handle on reality.

It's in the way his best friend is a man who has no qualms about lying to him and putting his life in danger, and how Style seems to have no other friends or people (aside from his dad) in his life.

@wuxian-vs-wangji made a comment to me about Style being desperate for a meaningful connection, and I think she hit the nail on the head. Because along comes Fadel, a mysterious stranger with a suspiciously versatile set of skills who is also very hot and keeps giving Style these wonderfully complex reactions? Who sometimes wants nothing to do with Style, but at other times seems to be at war within himself about desperately wanting him? Who treats Style with anything but apathy?

This is catnip to Style; he never had any hope of resisting this.

Breaking news: Style is a complex and imperfect character...

Here's the thing, though: he was never going to try. The show has been incredibly upfront about who Style is as a person. Regardless of whether I'm correct about why he is this way (ie. that he is very much the product of the environment that didn't know how to handle a kid with Style's personality), episode 3 shouldn't have surprised anyone about Style. He's been incredibly consistent and true to himself.

He wants Fadel and he's "crazy" enough to go all in, no holds barred about it, and the Support Group was the biggest doorway to finally discovering something REAL about Fadel.

And its not just about sex or to prove his superiority anymore. Because if it was just that, then Style would have reacted very differently to their first time.

In this scene, Style is pleased and evidently enjoying himself, but he isn't exuberant. He isn't overcome with joy. If anything, he was more happy and excited when Fadel let him help out in the diner (I mentioned this in the tags in this post too) than he was when Fadel is literally fucking him. He lets Fadel set the pace; barely moves to touch Fadel except to hold him close. Almost like he doesn't want to accidentally mess this up, like he's worried he'll take too much, so he'll take what Fadel gives him and no more (please appreciate @braceletofteeth's amazing tags on this post). For a character that has been so aggressively on the offensive, this is shocking until you realise that sleeping with Fadel - while it's a step in the right direction - isn't Style's end goal anymore.

And he makes that abundantly clear in this episode:

Does Style even fully realise the weight of this desire? I doubt it. But I do believe that Style is in earnest. He doesn't fully understand his own feelings, but he also doesn't really care to either. All he knows is that he wants Fadel, wants his attention and his passion and his focus and his heart.

...but Style is also kind of, sort of, perfect.

Because he's exactly, precisely, breathtakingly exactly what Fadel needs.

Because Fadel is hurt and broken and bleeding inside. Because Fadel is barely holding it all together for Bison's sake, but has already given up hope for any true happiness for himself. Because Fadel can't trust anyone or anything in his life, when he's been used and used and used by the family who should've loved and cared and protected him.

Because it's going to take nothing short of this kind of unwavering, unshakable, uncomplicated determination to give Fadel even a chance of healing and opening his heart to love again.