#people have been good about choosing the one that hasnt gotten to be in any art yet. like omega beat shadow which was kinda shocking

[sonknuxadow]

EVERYONE VOTE SONIC FOR ME ON THIS MONTHS SONIC CHANNEL ART POLL PLEASEEEE FOR THE LOVE OF GODDDD

[thefairyletters]

Could you answer this question? I went through a bunch of Sakura fics, many recommended by yourself (many good ones, thanks for your excellent taste!) but I also explored on my own, which is how this question spurred. I was wondering why so many ppl want Sakura to have wood release? &, because it's been a while so my memory's foggy, wasnt wood release sort of a bloodline thing? They had to infuse Hashirama's cells w/ Yamato for him to use it. It seems a little...I guess radical to give it to her? I LOVE Sakura, which is exactly why it kind of throws me off. I think she's already strong as is, & I think being able to utilize genjutsu & slug sage mode are logical expansions of her abilities, so wood release seems very...Idk how to put it but it seems like erasing Sakura. I'm discovering that I truly really dont think I like BAMF Sakura fics a lot bc it just doesnt read AS Sakura. It's like the author's are ashamed of her. Also I dislike when they use Strong!Sakura as a tag on ao3 bc she IS strong that HASNT changed & there's a canonical version of BAMF!Sakura in everything before the Pein arc. Everything after the Pein arc turned the entire series in a bad fanfiction for everyone in itself.

Thank you, I'm happy to know you enjoyed my recs!

That's a good question.

This is what I think makes Sakura badass ➡ here

I love Sakura the way she is, as well. Her development, however, is lacking not in terms of her personality but her skillset. She has impressive chakra control, monstrous strength and is one of the two frontline medics and one of the best healers in the world. She has impressive feats under her belt as well, two of the most remarkable include her byakugo seal and her fight with Sasori alongside Chiyo. But it pales in comparison to her teammates, including Sai and Kakashi. I don't mind that too, because her journey is different than others, excluding Lee and possibly Tenten. She isn't seen much involved in fights, her attacks are repetitive in the show, she isn't bestowed many techniques under her belt and her best moments are in games and novels. It is not her character's fault but Kishimoto who just doesn't use her strength and intelligence which he (and other characters) have mentioned she has.

She is genjutsu type – but has she ever performed one, or even gotten out of one easily? Whats the use of such information if Kishimoto doesn't use it?

She has near perfect chakra control – she should be easily able to perform many techniques and practice different elements, especially water, but earth style and cloning is what we mostly ever see her use.

She has good foundation in Taijutsu – and that should increase her stamina and therefore her chakra coils, and that in turn will ensure she is able to use many techniques.

Her medical and research skills are only next to Tsunade – and we wish to see her revolutionize the medical field which she has but in Borutoverse. That is time skip. That doesn't really relive you much.

She has resistance to mind jutsus, thanks to her inner personality – and theoretically she should be able to even evade strong genjutsus like she did Ino's clan technique (something never been done before) but Kishimoto only used that incredible ability once. ONCE.

She has massive chakra storage and exceptional chakra control and sensitivity – she should be able to master Senjutsu, a field which is all about chakra. Anything that has to do with chakra control is Sakura's playground.

She is more or less an unofficial poison expert – but we didn't see her playing with poison expertly (a poison that even Suna's poison experts failed to break) after Gaara's retrieval arc.

She is the smart and responsible one of team 7 – but Kishi often makes her look both stupid and selfish. We don't see her use her intelligence much. I hate that more than her lacking in the expansion of the skills.

She trained under a political leader – that itself makes her and Shizune great administrators and governors. So, out of everyone, Sakura is the one of the best Hokage material. Hokage is said to be the strongest fighter of the village but that requirement failed us when Tsunade became the fifth Hokage.

She has yin seal – the strongest seals one can make, in their own body no less. It also shows her expert control of her chakra. She can summon one of the big 3 summons. Sealing is more or less code that requires high intelligence and great chakra control that can be fused into the ink. As far as I can tell, she is one of the best candidates to learn Fuinjutsu.

With all these possibilities of her growth – because it is not something we make up but something Kishi has implied she has but never explored – how can one not exploit it? It doesn't mean one doesn't love Sakura for who she is but that its because they love her that they want to give her what she has the right to. She doesn't have to be expert at something to be powerful, just her putting her skills to best use is admirable as it is. I love Sakura for who she is and who she could be.

Now, onto the question as to why people seem to favour giving Sakura wood release, this are the following reasons that I think could be it:

Does it have to be bloodline limit?

Kishimoto gave Hashirama a unique bloodline limit that apparently cannot be inherited by any other Senju. That defeats the purpose of bloodline limit. What makes Senju clan so different? Without Hashirama in the picture, you cannot distinctly identify a Senju clan member aside from their strong chakras. Tobirama is identified for his water techniques. Tsunade has perfect control of her chakra that allowed her to exhibit monstrous strength and incredible healing abilities. How come wood release is a bloodline limit but is not passed down the line?

It is complicated because Tsunade is also renowned for her perfect chakra control just like Hashirama. So, some stories make Sakura a secret Senju clan member because of her uncanny resemblance to Tsunade and Senju clan in general. Pink hair can be a diluted version of Red (Mito) and her chakra control originating directly from Hashirama's lineage.

I personally don't like this because I love Sakura being a civilian child.

It's not a bloodline limit:

So, assuming wood release is not a bloodlimit but a very hard technique requiring precise chakra control and mastery of dual elements Earth and Water, then it is possible for Sakura to practice same technique because of her prodigious chakra control. By that logic, we can also assume that Tenzo inherited Hashirama's unique chakra control to use wood release. Because Orochimaru could have used Tsunade's DNA too if it was only about clan blood. So that rules out bloodline limit.

I love the idea of Sakura practising wood release because it is possible for her to do so. So if an author gives Sakura wood release that she hones with practice and control (ref. fanfic: Labyrinthine) instead of having been gifted with it, I'm digging it.

Nature chooses the wood user:

Naruto universe has many references to spiritual entities such as gods/goddesses, reincarnation and celestial bodies. It is conceivable to make nature an ethereal entity that has its own will. Sakura looks like the embodiment of spring with her petal hair and green eyes, and Hashirama can be compared to wood with his warm personality and appearance, these attributes can make them look distinctly attractive to nature. No other characters remind me strongly of nature than these two so I suppose they can be uniquely selected to be blessed this ability. Tenzo's abilities is the result of human experiment by Orochimaru who always cheats on nature so he is an exception.

I only like this because I like the idea of Sakura being Nature's child.

Most stories that I love don't give her a special edge and only give her more techniques under her arsenal. It is very rarely that I love an OCC Sakura who has a bloodline, a clan or godlike abilities.

After Pein's arc, Naruto turned into a joke. Everyone in team 7 (barring Sakura, Sai and Yamato) and long list of antagonists seemed to get power ups left and right. Sakura got hers in the last moment as a last ditch effort to reunite team 7 as one, a moment that felt so hasty that I couldn't take the show seriously at all. I was so disappointed with the whole war arc. I cringe just thinking about it. I sometimes think if it would have been better for everyone to just die with happily ever after in their mind. That would be tragic but a fitting end because Madara became too OP and Kaguya ridiculously so.

The reason people add 'Strong', 'BAMF', 'Smart' prefixes before Sakura is the reason why people add extra qualities to Sakura's character. They are not satisfied with how Sakura handles herself in fights and many base her fights with the one she had with Sasori. After that, did you see her actively participating in any major fight, barring her attempts to make a score on sidelines? Usually, these fanfictions also justify why she is Tsunade 2.0, something the Naruto failed to show.

By the way, many stories have BAMF tag for Shikamaru, Naruto and Sasuke as well. Are they not already strong af? They don't use Strong tag for them though, and that's because their fighting prowess is already seen. Shikamaru is not much of a fighter as much as he is a strategist and a leader. He is a cool and sly character. Naruto and Sasuke have flashy moves with flashy names under their belt with absurd power levels that puts them in god tier. Sakura has none of that – no signature move that is uniquely her, no clan to back her, no move with a name (barring game moves) – and she is seen useless because she is a healer which is a non-offensive, background job even if it is the most crucial and taxing job. It's significance is even more reduced when people point out how her work is futile because they are again sent to the fight/missions once they are up to go. Most fans only care for visual aesthetics, regardless of how rare and in-demand medics are because of the lack of qualified people who can muster and use medical chakra properly.

Sakura is more than just a healer but in canon she is more or less reduced to that. To make things worse for her, both Ino and Hinata are also shown to have healing techniques. They both also have clan techniques (vastly unknown) with them which makes them appear more 'useful'. Sakura is literally in the shadow of her mentor and her friends.

In Boruto, she is said to be the most powerful Kunoichi of her generation and quite possibly the greatest medic in the world but in Shippuden it is severely undermined. This is also why Boruto fans love Sakura but a bunch of Shippuden fans don't.

I mostly don't judge BAMF/Strong Sakura fanfictions, but I mostly avoid Anbu Sakura fanfictions if I can because I personally don't belive Sakura to be an Anbu material.

.

I want to add more, but I think I got my point across. Thank you for reading this far. I hope I answered your question adequately.

[n-ugg]

I didn't expect to get tagged but here we are. As you all will be able to tell in a bit, I am a massive Quackity fan

Thank you for tagging me @skeetlehands!

who is your favourite member on the smp?

Look, I love them all but these have a special place in my heart.

Quackity, Slimecicle (I am fully aware he just joined but I still love him), Schlatt, Tubbo, Eret, AweSamdude, and Ponk.

They're just great in and out of character and just have comforting vibes.

when did you first start watching the smp and what made you get into it?

I gotten in during the Pogtopia era since it took me a while to get access to the streams.

I mainly gotten in with the Sad-ist War animatics along with me trying to catch up on Quackity's VODS. Just someone that I was already familiar with being an easier shift into story and learning others through him

what is your favourite part about watching the smp?

Just watching everyone interact with other and just seeing the plot progress in real time. Its literally just dnd but with extra steps but I enjoy it so much

The improv that they all do is amazing and how everyone have different approaches to their characters makes my writer's side so happy with dissecting everything.

What piece of cursed lore is your favourite

That Wilbur canonically fucked a fish and Philza canonically fucked a Samasung fridge and just seeing the fanbase try to change into something that will at least make a bit more sense.

Im included in this, I basically joined the side that has Sally being a mermaid shapeshifting pirate. Mainly because of pirate Fundy

Who is your favorite duo on the smp

Slimecicle and Ranboo: They're the same person but in different fonts, you can convince me otherwise

Schlatt and Quackity: They managed to be super funny together with all of the jokes and balanced with making a very realistic abusive relationship work. It was always fun seeing them flirt with each other for a joke then get hit with whiplash when canon comes in to remind me that this isnt healthy

Tubbo and Tommy: They're two dumbasses who share the same braincell but then they constantly lose it and Tubbo mainly has custody of it

Wilbur and Schlatt: I just enjoy seeing Schlatt messing with Wilbur and occasionally flirts with him to get Wilbur more pissed off

Who are your comfort streamers

Quackity and Slimecicle are comfort streamers

Eret, Fundy, and AweSamdude are my comfort people (meaning I dont watch them as much but I find comfort in their presence. And the other two are also under this category)

Who is your favorite character

Quackity due to how complex his character is and yet how it looks so simple

Schlatt because is just a villian who knows how to play the game without getting caught

Tubbo, watching him trying to be hopeful with everything destroy around him and he just slowly become used to everything going wrong

AweSamdude because he is just trying his best to be a father figure others and I just got family issues

Who do you think the best actor(s) on the smp

Imma skip over the ones that we all already said and get into the ones that dont get enough praise

Quackity: Just how he managed to make his character seem so basic but in reality its really complex. And just seeing the shift from him being a chaotic force of nature to being a serious character that is trying his best to reach something that has been hanging over his head is just *chefs kiss* and he always delivers amazing lines on the spot.

BadBoyHalo: He is doing great right now, even though he is a bit rusty with starting he still manages to get into character and stay in character the entire time. When slowly easing in, you can tell its a bit forced but once he finds his footing, he knows how to deliver his lines.

AweSamdude: His entire bit where he was getting rescued from the egg fucking hurt. How he sounded weak from the entire thing and tired to where he just wanted to rest was so well. And I know he can act more energetic when he was accidentally dragged into playing a cop during Quackity's and Bad's date

Fundy: You guys need to give him more praise for his acting because he is fucking amazing at it. The little touches to how he voice when speaks is so good along with his body language in game. He knows what he's fucking doing and I love him for that. And when he snapped, it made complete sense if you payed attention to his character

I didnt add Ranboo because he's automatically at the top section due to him being a dnd player. Same goes to Slimecicle even though he hasnt acted yet. I dont make the rules. You play dnd, you know how to act

What are your favorite quotes

I dont have favorite quotes, just dialog heavy scenes.

Before Doomsday, Quackity going to take his horse far away from L'Manberg, it being the one thing he cares about. It was just so good

The entire Schlatt and Quackity argument in front of the white house

The meeting between Schlatt and Quackity with Schlatt yelling out to him in a taunting way to where Tommy and Quackity are trying to figure out what happened to the tnt. I constantly rewatch it to feel the adrinaline pumping to feel something

Wilbur's slow descend into insanity and talking to Tommy. Just showing his paranoia and fears consuming him, him projecting his fears into Tommy as an attempt of manipulation, and his hero complex shift into villian one

Schlatt's winning speech of him projecting it as something that was bound to happen no matter what. The amount of charisma and confidence that was in his voice as I was watching Tommy hiding underground in fear was just a perfect scene

Tommy's argument with Dream when everyone is protecting Tommy. Its the small details of Tommy taunting Dream to kill him, knowing he wont no matter what. Him telling everyone to protect Tubbo and everyone listening without hesitation.

The debate that Quackity and Dream had for like 11 or 14 minutes. All of that was completely unprompted unscripted, it was just so satisfying seeing someone stand up against Dream for the first time and actually beating him. Sure it was in a verble conflict but it still counts as a defeat

Be honest, who do you simp for? (Ayo if anyone says Tommy or Tubbo I will🗡)

Schlatt, Quackity, and Slimecicle

Its pretty obvious, I dont really try to hide it

Whats your favorite stream

Uhhhh I dont exactly have one so none I guess

Whats your least favorite streams

Im sorry, but all of the Jackbox stream. You need a specific group of people to play together in order to actually make it funny and keeping the energy throughout the entire thing.

After a bit later, everyone has a tendency of pandering to the audience and repeat jokes. They managed to beat jokes to the ground faster than Tiktok AND Twitter.

Dont get me started with DreamTeam being in there. They're funny in thier own rights but the shipping jokes get so unfunny so quick and they dont know how bounce off of others well. The only exception to this is when Quackity, Velvet, and Ant were playing with Sapnap and Dream. And thats because they decided to mess with the straight white guys into accidently saying offensive shit and seeing those two suffer with trying tiptoe around was so amusing

Whats something about the smp fandom thay makes you sad

This doesnt get me sad, just frustrated and its mostly towards dsmptok and dsmptwt but sometimes this fandom doesnt fucking know how to analyze characters. Like when everyone jumped on Tubbo on being the bad guy when he was a kid trying to use old tatics that knows that worked before and stand up for himself

How when one person decides to do something that they believe is right, everyone just throws the term villian arc around

When one person does one good thing the suddenly everyone accepts into them being good and not ever looking into it.

For fucks sakes, I saw people keep saying that Quackity was turning into Dream or Wilbur and I just sat there being confused on how they conntected those dots that were in different books.

Its so frustrating to read through. But here on dsmpblr, you guys actually understand character analysis, are able to critique them and able to love whoever you enjoy.

Another thing is how this fanbase really puts everyone on a pedestal or objectify them. Just completely forgetting that they're human and treat the streamer as a character. Like, yeah they're playing up a persona whenever they're making content but theres a difference and you shouldn't hold them up like that.

You cant use the argument of "They're young, they dont know any better", when I first entered my first fandom (I was like 11/12), I fully understood that theres a boundary between me and the creator. What they are on screen is a persona but they're still human and I should treat them as such. Its just something that bugs me and its unnerving to see whenever people start getting wierd about it

Final bit is just how the twitch chat acts. They all force the streamer to follow the 'main' plot of it being Tommy or Techno or whoever the fandom chooses to have a favorite, completely ignoring the fact that they are their own character. No one wants to meta game because where is the fun in that but the fucking chat gets so annoying when the streamer goes against fanfavorite of the week. It drains the fun of it being multiple pov's and different characters.

When Slimecicle was barely starting stream I saw so many people spam "Go with Ranboo" and not let him even get into lore first. I hated that I knew it was coming but it was still so fucking frustrating seeing them try to boss him around. Please just let people live outside of the 'main' plot, not everything revolves around your favorites. Now shut the fuck up and let them play

What about the smp fandom that makes you happy?

The people that create art, animatics, theories, playlist, or write oneshots

All of you creators are great and deserve so much more respect then what the fandom gives you because jesus fucking christ they're all so fucking rude. You guys are the ones that are carrying this fandom on your backs and I fucking respect yall for that

________________

Time for da spead: @nixavia @dambette404 and @mocha-is-lost yall dont need to join.....unless😳😳😳

[shiningliive]

7th Stage Set List Speculation 

Tumblr hates tall images so please click to see in higher quality!

I put way too much time and effort into thinking up a possible set list for 7th stage, and I’m sure it’ll be way off, but I’m curious how close I can get. Some clarifications, other ideas, and explanations below the read more. Be warned, it’s very long.

*This is not an official set Utapri 7th Stage list, just speculation.

Basic Layout:

1. This is all assuming they want something similar-ish to Maji Love Kingdom, plus solos and other recent songs. I didnt want to just copy the Maji Love Kingdom set list and whack some solos in there

2. Another order I considered was similar to the 5th stage layout where they did ‘character 1 solo, character 2 solo, character 3 solo, song they did together.’ I do think this is definitely possible for 7th stage, and if they do do this, it could be, for example, Tokiya solo, Cecil solo, Yamato solo, Colourfully Spark. I mainly didnt use this for my primary example because I figured it might be odd if they arent doing Quartet Night Solos. 

3. Not very notable, but I also placed the solos in the order the boys are usually in (Otoya, Masato, Natsuki, Tokiya, Ren, Syo, Cecil) with the matching Heavens order. 

4. I did my best to not have too much focus on one group to the point where you dont see another at all until the second half or later. This happened with 6th stage with Heavens not even being introduced until an hour and 45 minutes in. There is a bit of a gap without Quartet Night as Heavens and Starish do their solos, but I feel like this is a bit unnavoidable, and tried to counterbalance it by having the shining masterpiece songs (no heavens) before the solos. 

5. Of this speculative set list, I consider Setsugetsuka-Michibiki Hikari to be the first half, and Up Down Up-Welcome to Utapri Kingdom (just realised I wrote welcome to utapri world in the graphic but you get me) to be the second half. This doesnt matter too much, but it could be split this way across discs or have an interlude inbetween. There are less songs in the ‘second half’ but it does end up being around the same length when you consider we usually get about 2 20 minute talks at the end.

Explanations:

1. I didnt include Quartet Night songs for a few reasons. Mainly because they dont have any new ones released lately and there have already been two QN only lives with qnlf being the most recent main live since 6th stage. It’s certainly possible that they might include some repeats of older QN solos, but this set list is already at the same length and amount of songs as 6th stage, so it would add enough extra time to make 7th stage too long. 

2. Obviously I didnt include a Nagi solo because Wingu isn’t able to attend 7th stage. I assumed this would not affect other song selections and that they will likely have other members fill in for his parts in group songs.

3. I was unable to figure out which new set of solos for Heavens and Starish they would use. I didn’t decide the ones used for any particular reason, so I wouldn’t at all be surprised if different solos than I wrote are used. 

4. I used Setsugetsuka as the opener song, because I thought it would not only allow for special outfits to be worn by Starish and Quartet Night that could be chanegd after their introductions, but it also saved time (instead of having one starish song and one QN song, theyre combined). It’s not quite an exciting booming start to the live, but it is a very well loved song by the fandom that hasnt been performed yet, and the first few notes are very recognisable. I can also imagine it fading nicely into a Heavens group song  I’m not sure about this choice, but I couldnt quite shake the idea, so I kept it. Wouldn’t be surprised if they started with the same three group songs as Maji Love Kingdom though. 

5. In general, I tried to consider things like outfit changes, the time of each song, having a first and second half that can be split onto two discs for dvd/bluray release, and most importantly perhaps, not having the same seiyuu perform too many times in a row to avoid them getting too exhausted.

6.  I found it very hard to place Encore. Unlike a lot of the other Mamo songs, it isnt exactly a hype, exciting song to start off a live (after the initial group songs) but it also doesnt really work in the middle after the solos, or towards the end. Having the song be called ‘encore’ and being played during the credits of Maji Love Kingdom really give that vibe that it should be an encore song.

7. I don’t think they would want 4 Quartet Night+Starish joint songs without Heavens (as it would cause a bit of an imbalance) so I figure they might do either the Shining CD 2 songs or the upcoming Black/White songs that are released shortly before the live. For now I’ve gone with Wonder Rondo and Dancing Over Night because we dont know the length of the Black/White songs.

 “Things that would be cool but probably won’t happen”:

1. I placed Encore towards the start of my set list, but theres something that I would love to see, no matter where its placed. If the song starts with Mamo singing, as expected, until about 30 seconds in when slowly all other seiyuu would walk on stage and join in. This would allow the song to be used as an encore with all seiyuu, or just help build variety and excitement to an otherwise (albeit intense) but slower more emotional song. It also lines up well with the songs build itself as well as the MV that slowly includes more and more people. 

2. More special outfits for Setsugetsuka and the Shining Masterpiece songs and more special outfits/performances in general. I think this is the reason why previous performances like Koizakura and other Shining Theatre songs are so memorable.

3. Pretty sure this one is almost 100% not happening, but, I want Sawashiro Miyuki as a guest to sing Maigo no Kokoro, Haru’s solo song from the first season of the anime. It’s so often forgotten, but its a beautiful song. This would also serve as a nice interlude for the boys to have an outfit change or change staging etc. 

4. I feel like there should maybe be a third encore song, but I couldnt choose a good one. It feels odd to not have 1000% or 2000%, so a version of them with all three groups is possible. If they are going to have a new version of an older song, I feel like a Mirai Chizu would be a great choice. Not only does it suit an encore (emotionally and lyrically speaking), but they haven’t performed it since 1st stage, and I feel like it could work really well with all groups together. Or it could be some kind of new medley or song entirely. 

5. Of course, there are 3 big things we’d all like to see announced at 7th stage. These being: a 5th season of the anime or some kind of sequel, Dolce Vita news, and a large scale update to shining live (eg, adding Heavens.)

Stats of my set list:

1. The total song time of my set list is 2 hours and 20 minutes with an hour and a half of extra time including a shining dancers or other interlude, introduction video, talks, about 5-10 seconds inbetween songs, audience encore call, and goodbyes. 

2. The final time of this set list would be about 3 hours and 48 minutes. 

3. For the performance on the 18th for example, doors open at 2pm, and 7th stage begins at 4:30. With this set list, it seems like it would end at about 8:15-8:30pm which allows for enough time to exit the dome before 9:00pm.

4. There are 33 songs in this set list (one talk is incorrectly labeled as an extra song in the graphic) which is the same as 6th stage.

For anyone who’s gotten this far, thank you. This is literally essay length and I wrote it in 50 minutes. It was a lot of fun thinking up this set list, so I’m excited to see if im at all accurate, or 100% wrong. Either way I’m so excited to see the actual set list. 

[whence-the-woody]

Finale commentary under the cut

So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions

Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end

PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him

Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?

I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long 

We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?

OMG get on with it

Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while “Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?

At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not

This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it

Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude. 

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN

Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on

I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting. 

GET ON WITH IT

Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?

Singer and Kripke. Subtle. 

I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining 

15 mins in and nothing has happened

Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop

The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn

Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one. 

I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it

Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL

I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail

I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg

I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times

but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this

Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference. 

BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good. 

Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god

The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU. 

I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”

DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH

It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later

MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY

Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that

Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois. 

Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces. 

I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell

If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?

Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up

Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense

Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS

Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY

Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF

I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT. 

Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven

Hes going for a drive

Hes going for a motherfucking drive

In the car he was just in

WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit. 

This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth

ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid. 

I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.

They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow. 

The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID 

I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years

I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry

I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that

Theres alot of things I’ll never get over

Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something

I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no

I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?

Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god

The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off

And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good. 

LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT 

[spiderrrling]

Alright then, you asked for it. For the personal asks 4-73 😌

aight but you gotta read them all 

4: What do you think about most?

sadly, school

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

fab texted me “you should never trust teenagers” 

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

i sleep in a t-shirt and underwear 

7: What’s your strangest talent?

my hyperflexible joints

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are amazing, boys are amazing sometimes

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

no and i hope it will never happen

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

air drums is my preferred method of air instruments and just earlier today

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

needles, cant do them at all i will physically hurt you if you try

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

i mean i did a covid test does that count? i shoved a perler bead up my nose when i was 4 

13: What’s your religion?

i am atheist 

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking or maybe camping i love me a good camping trip

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behindddd i am very awkward in photos

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

at the moment, all time low

17: What was the last lie you told?

i told my mom i studied for this test that i havent studied for 

18: Do you believe in karma?

fairly yeah

19: What does your URL mean?

this one is nothing special, just the spiderrrling 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i actually dont know, ive been told im very emotionally strong due to what would probably be my greatest weakness, my chronic pain

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

idk if you could guess but its tom holland

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no not really

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write or i text friends or i rant here on tumblrdotcom

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

books, i have a lot of books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

depends on the person im talking with

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yeah mostly

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hospital beeping sounds, cant stand them. i love the sound of rain

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

i didnt quit gymnastics

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

i mean technically we are aliens, there is no way we are alone in the universe 

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

my right, my wall

my left, nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

smells like rain bc my window is open and it just rained

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

idk maybe a place in denmark?

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

never been to the us

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

alex garskath

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

42

36: Define Art.

art is anything if  you ask me 

37: Do you believe in luck?

sometimes

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it just rained but its gonna rain more

39: What time is it?

10.27 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

no i dont drive

41: What was the last book you read?

i just finished volume 3 of heartstopper and currently reading northern lights 

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

honestly yeah

43: Do you have any nicknames?

i do! for those who dont know im fox, ive gone by fox for many years and i respond to it like its my name

44: What was the last film you saw?

i rewatched howls moving caslte

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

my knee is really bad from gymnastics

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yes!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

yes multiple, UCLA gymnastics, generally gymnastics, plague doctors, books, percy jackson

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

i am a raging bisexal

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

id like to not get into this just bc it happened very recently

50: Do you believe in magic?

yeah 

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

depends on what they did

52: What is your astrological sign?

i am a scorpio

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i save money but i also spend it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

i bought 58 books on a discount book store

55: Love or lust?

love

56: In a relationship?

sadly i am very single

57: How many relationships have you had?

one

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no

59: Where were you yesterday?

at school then at home studying

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

probably but my room is dark rn

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

not wearing socks rn but i only own black socks anyway

62: What’s your favourite animal?

foxes or penguins or polar bears, i like most animals to be honest

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

just be nice and be able to deal with my ranting 

64: Where is your best friend?

way too far from me in norway

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

@uglypastels @hey-its-grey @wvllywest @hauntedtom @anxieteandbiscuits

66: What is your heritage?

norwegain/swedish

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, i need my sleep

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

i think thats his first name

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

who hasnt

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i mean i bake, cook and give great hugs

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i have too much anxiety to be late

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a. i tell those i care about 

b. live my life to the fullest

c. i already have what? 4 chronic conditions?

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust is its own kind of love in my opinion

there u happy now z? now its your turn

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

[ace-pervert]

Ive finished watching eleven seasons of rupauls drag race and now feel I am ready to briefly review each season

S1: A good start though it must be said, ONGINA WAS ROBBED! Also there was favoritism.

S2: Not a bad season but at least somewhat ruined by Rupauls rather overt favoritism towards Tyra and dislike of Pandora. While I didnt like Tyra on the show his callout of the entire drag community after leaving drag has given me massive respect for him and feels like karma for RuPauls rather blatant self promotion and attempts to turn himself into some kind of rolemodel. But aside from the callout and Jujube, and Pandora the season is unmemorable.

S3: The top three were all highly skilled and the winner seemed to deserve it though that was later put into doubt after it came to light that Raja had worked with RuPaul before the show aired, and lets be honest Manilla Luzon was much more talented.

S4: One of the best seasons in drag race history, has the best music video, and Sharron Needles is hands down the most influential and versatile queen in drag race history. The only bad part, aside from the editing against phi phi, is Latrice Royal, who, and I feel this needs to be said, wouldnt have been in the top four had Willam stayed, and certainly wouldnt have made top five if Alaska had been allowed to join, mostly because she kept showing a similar outfit, her not being a particularly good actor, being thrown off really easily, and quickly relying on a shtick.

S5: Good season, but I feel that Roxxxy really did end up in the top three only because Visage and Ru love drama and the Jersey Shore look that was at the time Roxxxy Andrews trademark look, and the Coco Alyssa drama was really dull, neither deserved to be as high as ended up, and ultimately both queens are unmemorable.

S6: Not a bad season but i'm not a fan of Courtney Act or miss Lake, mostly because I think they both get away with looks that really they shouldnt have gotten away with, though arguable so did Bendelacreme. Though it was nice that there wasnt any drama, and Bianca del Rio is really funny.

S7: Ive tried to come up with words to describe this season, I cant, its just that bad. No not bad just dull, really dull and awkward, and the worst part is that its not the queens who drag the season down, the queens themselves are fine and Pearl stands out as being a particularly interresting person when not on drag race, its RuPaul being a tool off camera and coming up with challenges that play to the queens weaknesses rather strengths.

S8: Unfortunately I found Bob the Drag Queen so attractive out of drag that I stopped caring about what he looked like in drag with the end result being that I have no idea if hes a good drag queen. But ignoring the moments where I was drooling over Bob it was a good season with some truly great outfits,and a good Snatch Game, that wether for good or bad did very quickly become the Bob the drag queen and Kim Chi show, making it in hindsight the second most plann

S9: The season started off with an appearance by Lady Gaga , whose reviews of the outfits consisted of little more than name dropping and not much else, unintentionally setting the tone for a dull and awkward season with a cheerleading challenge that causes one person to crack a rib and another to almost permanently lose their ability to dance, a Reality Star Rusical that is well just dull, painfully bad lipsinks, uninterresting outfits, and perhaps the blandest wierd drag queen in the history of the competition. Its also in this season that introduced the lipsink for the crown format that I personally despise as it takes the power away from the viewers and puts it back in Rupauls hand.

S10: Solid season, mostly focused on returning contestant Eureka but the other contestants are given enough focus that it feels natural. The challenges are interresting to watch, the snatchgame is funny, and the dresses are well made. The top four are all stars in their right and the winner of that season could have easily been any of them, making this the only season where a lipsink for the crown made sense.

S11: Starts off strong with people like Miss Vanjie, Brooke Lynne Hytes, Nina West and Yvie Oddly revealing a high degree of skill both as actors and as dress makers. Unfortunately the blatant favoritism of Rupaul, the judges, and the producers towards Silky Nutmeg Ganache (honestly they seem like a nice person in real life, but on the show they just seem like a tool), unimaginative challenges, distracting and irritating cameos by former drag race contestants including by Bianca whos dull and unentertaining appearance shows exactly why contestants shouldnt return at all, a rusical so god cringeworthy you'll pray for death (Trump the Rusical), the worst snatch game in drag race history, and painfully predictable twists result in a terrible season, with the only interresting things being the romance between Vanjie and Brooke (they broke up four months after the last episode before the reunion due to conflicting schedules), Miss Vanjie being well himself, Nina Wests acting, and Yvie Oddly's outfits .

S12: Havent seen it, but lets be honest this season is the one where the star is a sex offender. By now many fans have analysed the season and its become clear that the person who was intended to be the focal point and possible winner was Sherry Pie, which means that editing them out for very well known reasons also makes them the focal point just in a different way than intended. Hell it wouldnt surprise me if this season becomes known as the one with Sherry Pie, not the one where the winner won. Though it might also be the last season that RuPauls on, as there are rumors that hes stopping with drag race.

The Christmass Special: To short for a christmass special, to much like the other episodes to be special, to blatantly commercial to be Christmass, and to scripted, even by drag race standards, to be drag race.

And now for a review of the Judges themselves

RuPaul: On the outside a warm, outspoken, well meaning person whose done things which are truly groundbreaking. But beneath that warm exterior beats the stone cold heart of a businessman. He's calculating, manipulative, greedy, has no qualms about setting queens up for failure, and ultimately hasnt done much that could be seen as groundbreaking. Perhaps the worst part is that its clear that in terms of humor , mentality and fashion hes never left the 70s, which combined with his callous way of treating the enviroment (as shown by his fracking empire) and his history of transpobia, makes him a liability to the show. Even if you manage to ignore all of that, the show is ultimately about the drag queens, not about Rupaul, and Rupauls attemps to make it about him really drag the show down

Michelle Visage: Shes a mother of two teenagers with a stay at home husband pretending to be a bitchy whore on a tv show about drag queens, yeah thats her career. Now in truth thats not the biggest issue, the biggest issue is that shes got hangups and makes the same jokes over over again and that after being on the show for ten years she hasnt developed as a judge so the routine, to paphrase miss Visage herself, has been done to death. In truth the show needs something other than the same damn shtick and same damn comments all the time, and if she cant do it then she should quite so someone else can do it for her. Ok maybe thats the second biggest issue, the biggest is that she kisses RuPaul's ass untill it shines brighter than a mirror.

Valentino Rice: Good judge, and had great chemistry with the other judges.

Ross Mathews: Cute guy, wierdly charming, and interacts well with the others.

Carson Kressley: He comes across as a very tired, very frail, very gay but very very very dull ninety year old man, which makes sense given the fact that his entire career is based on being gay, and hes, well old. Ok hes not really old, hes 50, but on camera he looks and acts closer to 150. And the issue isnt that hes gay, its that hes doing a shtick, a very dull and fairly offensive shtick. Possibly the worst choice for a judge, and the show jumps in quality whenever hes not there.

Now for a few things that just bug me.

Favoritism: Unfortunately one of the biggest issues of the show is that seasons tend to be structured around Queens who are intended to be the winner, or at least the hero, from the get go, which has the advantage of allowing the creators of the show to change the structure and challenges from season to season, but also makes it hard to watch if the season is blatant in its favoritism, if the intended winner isnt that good, or if the winner gets eliminated for one reason or another.

Cameos by former contestants: Cameos are a great way to get people to say "I know that person" which is great in a tv show because you know that the cast wont change in the next episode, but not great in a competition where all it does is take away screentime from competitors and giving it to competitors who most likely did not do well enough to win in their own drag race, and even if they did, the show is not about them, but about the current contestants. As such if Ru wants them to return he should put them in All Stars.

Cameos by celebrities: Add nothing. Its drag race not the red carpet, i'm watching for the up and coming drag queens not famous people trying to boost their careers.

Adding politics to the show: No, just no. Dont do things like Trump the Rusical, dont have steven colbert do a voiceover, theres no way that can go well and it comes accross as virtue signaling. If Ru wants to do something good he should double the prize money and have half of the money go to a charity of the winners choosing, or stop fracking.

Adding politics outside of the Show: Drag queens are celebrities and entertainers, as such are constantly in the public eye and dependent on being in it for their income which means that anything they say in public, wether its gossiping, or discussing politics, needs to be viewed as being some form of self promotion. Now this might make things difficult for them, but it is a well known part of being an entertainer so it can be assumed that they were well aware of this before they joined Drag Race. If they do want to talk about politics without being viewed as self promoting, they are free to make an anonymous account on one of the many sites, like tumblr, where its assumed that no one knows who the other people are.

Family Friendly Drag: Lets be honest its men shoving their cocks up their own asses while dressing up as women, and naking refferences to sex, for the sake of entertainment. Thers nothing family friendly about it. Nor should there be as part of the appeal of drag is that its something that is restricted to adults. Likewise they arent heroes, they are entertainers, not doctors, not construction workers, entertainers no more worthy of praise then a person on a sitcom.

Drama outside of Drag Race: While drama on the show is to be expected and is part of what makes it entertaining, drama outside of the show is different its more personal and something that in truth should not be shared. However by presenting it as gossip on various shows they are saying its part of the show, which is unhealthy at best.

Final note.

While I am critising the Drag Race, I am not doing it because I dislike the show, I am infact a big fan of the show but at the same time I want to get my thoughts out there see how others view these topics.

[temarisnara]

for the characters: ino naruto, rukia bleach, ochako bnha!

ino!!

favorite thing about them: ino is like, genuinely a really good and complex character. she’s kind and compassionate but also a mean little shit. she’s also just so cool like her power is fucked up and her dad used it for torture but she uses it to help people!!! I LOVE HER!!!! 

least favorite thing about them: bruh the comphet is REAL. i really had to sit there and watch her cry about SASUKE when she hasnt talked to him in FOUR YEARS. like my biggest beef with ino’s writing 100% boils down to they keep trying to pretend she’s straight and she ABSOLUTELY is not. 

favorite line: i dont remember anything aesrdtyfjuyku probably her telling sakura she’s going to be a beautiful flower or what the fuck ever gay shit she said

brOTP: SHIKAMARU AND CHOJI!!!!! THOSE ARE HER BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!!! they’re terrified of her but they’d all do anything for each other. also sai, i think their house must be a lot of fun. 

OTP: SAKURA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

nOTP: sasuke, but also just men in general. that baby is a lesbian.

random headcanon: she’s a LESBIAN. also since her and shikamaru’s birthday’s are a day apart i bet they had shared parties growing up and ino HATED it lmao but when they’re adults she’s like “what do you MEAN we’re not having a shared birthday party!?” and shikamaru is TIRED. also she’s made out with temari and karui, as a show of dominance. 

unpopular opinion: UHHHHHH her last conversation with asuma shouldnt have been about fucking SASUKE. also i really, REALLY wish we had gotten a tsunade/ino mentorship because ino and tsunade are the same person and that would be a NIGHTMARE.

song i associate with them: everytime i hear “i wanna be your girlfriend” by girl in red i think of inosaku so

favorite picture of them: i’m too lazy to get a picture but her in the jonin outfit is so cute. she’s serving LOOKS.

rukia

favorite thing about them: rukia was so formative to me as a preteen. she’s goofy, hot headed, stubborn as fuck, incredibly self sacrificing. she’s so good.

least favorite thing about them: nothing she’s perfect !

favorite line: oh my god like, really early in the series when she’s trying to convince ichigo to be a soul reaper, and she brings him to a park where a hollow is a attacking a child and he goes to save the kid and she’s like “No! You don’t get to pick and choose when you intervene! Either you’re a normal high schooler or a soul reaper.” that shit was good.

brOTP: renji and orihime. also chad and uryu. 

OTP: ICHIGO!!!!!!! also orihime. 

nOTP: the cops are coming for byakuya/rukia shippers.

random headcanon: it’s been so long since i’ve read/watched bleach idek.....

unpopular opinion: ok. listen. renruki is a fine ship, i dont hate it, but like. i wish we saw more of them rebuilding their friendship. it’s like renji went from excited about arresting rukia, to “oh shit my actions have consequences rukia’s gonna die whoops”, to betraying the soul society to save her, to them just being chill again. i feel like both of them needed to process their separation and the events of the soul society arc and we just never saw that.

song i associate with them: start of time is About ichiruki

favorite picture of them: I SCREAMED

ochako!

favorite thing about them: i love how sweet and lowkey weird she is. like she’s just vibing, always. and like the scene where bakugo turns to yell at deku and ochako is sitting there physco-analyzing him. i just love it!!

least favorite thing about them: please sir may i have some agency?? plot relevance?? ANYTHING???? 

favorite line: ok its not an ochako line but bakugo saying she’s not fragile is good shit.

brOTP: DEKU AND IIDA

OTP: bakugo+kirishima. also mina?? tsu is cute too.

nOTP: uhhhhhhh i dont remember having one besides like, the general gross shit. dont ship her with adults or mineta etc.

random headcanon: this might actually be canon? or goes against canon? idr. but she can NOT cook. at all. 

unpopular opinion: traitor ochako....please.....also her crush on deku is  harmless or whatever but it’s so boring and adds nothing to her character

song i associate with them: i cant think of any on my own so i went to kim’s playlist future me by echosmith is a good one

favorite picture of them: antime she’s being a weirdo tbh.

[rqs902]

on one hand im happy that this means there’s gonna be a lot of official content since the eps are supposedly so long that they gotta cut them in half. 

youku has been pretty consistent with giving us a relatively good amount of official content. but on the other hand im always slightly concerned that by splitting up perfs, those whose perfs get aired first will have a competitive voting advantage since (as long as they do well) those kids will have a full extra day of persuading people to vote for them through their stage performance. It’s not as huge of a deal as when other shows split performances across weeks, because a whole week ahead is a much bigger advantage than one day ahead. but every day can help those who need the votes. at least akey and zhan yu got aired today.... feels bad for jin fan because he really needs the votes. 

also another down side is just this show’s eps are SO LONG they’re eating up a ton of my free time LOOOL but thats how these shows always go for me... because I always end up taking like double the amount of time to watch an ep, just to pause, digest, rewatch sections that i like (sometimes multiple times), make sure i understand, etc. i feel like these shows always consume my life during the few months they’re airing so i’ll just enjoy it while I can HAH

..

anyway ep 4 starting with singapore buddies huang junrong and sun yinghao speaking english with their singapore accents!!!!! lol can totally relate to yinghao tho, like when you cant read chinese you gotta find someone to translate for you

yang chaowen with dog!!!!! i wonder if the dog really likes him LOL they seem to appear together on camera often. akey with chen junhao!! and zuo linjie!! making friends!!!

lol i feel like the group leader choice method is some sort of extended advertisement for knock off apple products lol.........

HAHAHHAHAHAH LIN MO’S VIDEO STARTING OFF ALL FORMAL AND NERVOUS AND THEN XUE EN’S CUTS HIM WITH HIM BEING STUPID. I LOVE IT. there’s two types of people. how did they not vote for xue en HAHAHAH

interesting that they picked the songs for the self-composition group ahead of time, rather than make them make the song as part of the competition (looks at produce camp... fireman is my jam but the east binhe road team ran into complications with that, so I can see why it’d be more risky to let them do that again) but lucky for zheng renyu and li chenxu tho! I’m interested in hearing their music so i dont mind, just kinda wondering what the other kids who picked composition would’ve brought to the table

oh theyre still giving yan an screen time... every time i see him im happy but then feel oof

oo zhanyu’s first stage look is just so nice oof xikan talking to lin mo but lin mo looks ded and is all eye patched up :( 

LOL su er all jubilant over a sexy concept song - good luck with that

oooof this shot of jin fan’s perfect side angle 

aw akey being bested by shaopeng at every match... but im so excited to see what they can do together, theyre both so good at making music!!!! the resident music makers for each of their respective groups, tyger and coreone, theyre both so talented! def shaopeng has and deserves the credit but hopefully people will see akey contributed too bc im sure the two of them really led together, being the most experienced rappers hahaha

WHOA csp opening up to qu boyu and saying he has older step brother and sister who have a different mom from him and encouraging him to just be real when writing because there will be people out there who connect with his lyrics awww hes really taking this child under is wing and teaching him from zero, hes really like a big bro taking care of him and enjoying watching him grow. im glad csp is opening up and is self reflective enough to realize that he hasnt done so enough in the past and that he should involve himself more with the others. 

im happy cui shaopeng got to feature in the bts clip for his group, he deserves it and hasnt gotten much screentime relative to his talent before. im happy akey got a little time and some recognition for his skills too. honestly just happy akey FINALLY got to do a rap stage..... wish we couldve gotten more huang enyu and huang junrong but im happy they got to show off their vocals!! for being young vocals in a rap performance, their stage presence were both really good too! csp’s entrance is epic wow. 

wow this is the most hyper performance ive ever seeeen wow im so happy for akey because we know how long hes been waiting for a rap stage and wow csp’s leadership must be top notch to get this group to somehow be cohesive with such a not cohesive song LOL i respect that csp really respected akey’s skill and let him shine too. akey was a second c if ive ever seen one lol. they both got to shine and so did everyone else in their group, which is telling of his leadership and why this stage turned out so well that even all the teachers like jackson were so hype LOL 

OOF shen bohuai and lin mo talking about how akey’s lyrics are so moving like lin mo wanted to cry and bohuai felt like he could tell akey’s been through a lot

lol xikan and bohuai being all tough and lin mo being like lol i feel the pressure. shaopeng smiling like a proud parent when boyu gets good comments c: oof rip akey and shaopeng’s votes tho :c 

lin ran’s look tho LOL but zhan yu’s is so questionable?? why is he in this group ?? LOL but i guess its his turn to do something cutesy. mannnn why does zhan yu look like hes surrounded by children but hes not even that much older//?? hahahha ooooo is this the center zhan yu of legend?? ?hahahah yayyy hopefully more people will notice him! you know when i heard zhan yu was gonna be center, this was not the type of song i was imagining, but hey if it takes a cutesy happy song and a bunch of little kids around to get zhan yu a chance to be center, ill take it! i wish they’d show us some practice footage?? im confused why there isnt any?? i think sun boran’s stage presence is good! zhan yu’s voice so powerful yess somehow he managed to show off different aspects of his vocal skills in this very plain song LOL  im surprised lin ran didnt stand out a lot but when they pointed out that he purposefully put himself in the back to protect his team members i think that makes sense bc he knows being cute isn’t going to be able to win them as many votes but if the less popular kids in his group dont get votes, its a lot more devastating for them than for himself. lin ran didnt want this song and he didnt want to be cute but he really didnt want kids to suffer from choosing his group. lin ran has a cute image but i appreciate that this time we got to see a more serious side of him. isnt it ridiculous that theyve literally trashed zuo qibo and lin mo about being old but then literally i didnt realize until now sun yinghao is the oldest??? (he looks really young wow and so tiny aw) but also like they never bring up akey being old either?? some sort of weird bias going on... but i mean good for yinghao and akey lol 

but aw im glad theyre giving yinghao some attention... 10 years and starting off with jackson? oof... 

ayy zhan yu getting the most votes!! 

kou cong being older bro to zlj but also ultimate mentor to cxh aw yay for him getting some recognition from the judges and jin fan supporting him too heheh but it says a lot that he recognizes cxh’s efforts and wanted to put in his own effort to help him

i wonder if them giving zlj less audience votes is an elaborate scheme to get him more pity votes from the general public lol.... well im excited to see the rest of the stages tomorrow! 

[stormheartgames]

(1) Hi, I have no idea if I’m stepping out of bounds here, but I really do think it’s important to say. I’m probably not going to phrase it well because phrasing things (as you will gather) is not my strongpoint, but I will try.

(2) I was one of the anons who sent an ask about killing Donni (the one starting I LOVE ALL THE ROS), and I just want to sincerely apologise for doing that. I want to emphasise to you how ashamed I am of how I acted, that it was thoughtless and wrong and I will put the utmost effort into not repeating my mistake.

(3) Just a bit of an explanation - I’m not in a great place right now (I’m getting help, don’t worry), and am in the process of recovering from a certain trauma. When I feel like people might be looking down on me, or seeing me as a child, it makes me panic greatly, and is essentially the only time when I do things I really, truly regret. The fact that Donni just objectively knows a lot more about the situation and is in so much more control than the MC (or at least comes off that way) brings up

(4) a lot of very difficult memories. Why did I send you a joking, insincere message, then, that was rude and didn’t mention a word of why I actually felt like that? I’m not even sure I could say, but the best explanation I could give is that, as has been made clear, I’m a bit of an idiot sometimes.

(5) I’m not telling you this to try and excuse my actions of beg for your sympathy - no level of excuses or ‘hard times’ are going to make it okay to go up to someone and talk about killing in that way, ESPECIALLY to the author of the work who has pored time, energy and love into creating a story as incredible as yours. I’m telling this because I want you (and anyone else who reads this, should you choose to post it, a decision I leave completely up to you) to understand that when people say

(Theres an ask limit so Im sorry for spamming, but it got cut off :/) (6) things like this, its because of THEM. Not you, not because you havent made interesting, charming, sympathetic characters who are absolutely lovable and a pleasure to read about. Its bc were in a bad place, or have our own issues to sort out. Sometimes people do mean to hurt, yes, but even then I think they generally have personal reasons for being affected so much by it, even if that doesnt excuse it.

(7)But deliberate offense or not, the point remains that people send agressive asks because of their own issues, and it doesnt say a single thing about the quality of your writing! Your story is amazing and I truly cant describe how much Im looking forward to seeing more of these characters and this world. I hope this hasnt taken away any of the pleasure youve hopefully gotten from fans appreciating how amazing your work is :)

(8) Lastly I just wanted to apologise to everyone else who might have seen the ask, and all the other members of what is clearly a generally kind, generous community on here. I hope my silly ask didnt hurt anyone too badly, and am utterly sorry if it did. If so, it is not your fault. /Anyway hope this doesnt come off too dramatic or serious, I know it was just a stupid ask, but still. Who knows, maybe if one person apologises others will join in, and everyone will be happier!

(9)Another thing worth mentioning is that after reading the update, yeah, I find it hard not to like Donni. Wouldnt want to date him, but hes so obviously a good guy and its hard not to see that. And Im sorry for doing this on anon, i know the right thing to do would be to accept responsibility but I dont actually have tumblr and I think it would be a bit pointless to create it just for this because it would still be anonymous, as well as extra as fuck.

(10/10)Long story short, I love the update (cant believe I didnt mention that already), I have massive respect for the patience with which youve handled the asks, and keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing what you have in store for us, and thank you for everything :). (also if you don't want to clutter dont feel pressured to respond, and sorry for taking so long to say this) Thanks for hearing me out!

—

Thank you so much for taking responsibility, as well as coming to me directly and apologizing. That really means a lot!! 😊

I know many people who sent those asks likely did not meant to cause any harm and were just venting their own frustrations or anger, but I had to make it clear that it wasn’t okay to do so any longer. Honestly, I feel bad for letting it go on so long. I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they wished I would’ve put a stop to it sooner, and I agree with that. So I apologize, too!

I want this community to be a warm and welcoming one. I would hate for someone’s first opinion of us to be of something like that, you know? So even if you (not just you anon, I’m talking to everyone reading this) don’t intend any harm by doing so, please be considerate of me and other people from now on. That’s all I wanted to say about this!

[silklaurentharry]

the long awaited “why does this bitch hate harry?” list

DISCLAIMER:

these are all my opinions, this doesnt mean i think hes a bad person-i think he does a lot of good things-this is just a list of bad things, this doesnt mean that i could never start to like him ever again-it just means these are things that dont sit right with me that i think are important and cant be overlooked! (they dont ruin him, and make him an unbearable person or CANCEL him-its just things that i decided i dont like anymore!)

PLEASE DONT MAKE THIS MORE THAN WHAT IT IS! im making this bc ppl want it(ive gotten more asks about this list than i ever have on any piece of my writing ever so...anyway)

also um....i still read harry smut and want him to fuck me but like- hate fucking is the best so can u blame me?

SO. Let’s start with the moment i first started disliking him.

yacht!gate. is there really more to be said???? if yes-basically he went on a fucking yacht with k*nd*ll and jeff and kris and his mom and robin etc. kendall is so privileged and just a not great person in my eyes and even though this was before “tpwk” he was still saying shit like “be nice to nice” and who is the opposite of that? kendall.

then, he cut his hair. smh. THIS IS A JOKE OKAY.

hes besties with people like james corden and ben winston. who use him for his fame(not his fault but hasnt he always said “you can always tell” when ppl are just using u?) and shit(you saw that shitty sitcom, correct?) and james took a ‘cutesy’ little photo of him kissing sean spicers cheek. aka trumps ex press secretary. aka a fucking shithole of a man. dont know about you but if i “treated ppl with kindness” i wouldnt be associated with anyone close to trump.

camille fckn rowe. i mean...lmao. and its 2019 and he’s STILL being seen with her. 

performed at the vsfs. who before this past one has alWAYS been fatphobic and ppl are JUST NOW shocked at the fact they actually came out and said it. lmao. i get it was a big move for his career but if he really cared about morals would he do it even with the past mistreatment of fat or ‘overweight’ models in that show? i wouldnt. but thats just me

now this next one is purely just me and just puts a bad taste in my mouth-u dont have to agree on any, but esp this one. from what i know(i havent been keeping up with him regularly for the past 3-4 years)-he has never said anything about getting back with 1D, when all of the other’s have said they “have to” and “would drop everything” to get back together. and that just doesnt sit right with me-again, just me but...i dont like it!!

he has been surrounding himself with shitty, all around AWFUL people since he left 1D. and idk if thats bc of management telling him to for PR, his own actions that are finally getting out bc hes no longer restrained under modest, or if its just a coincidence. bUT. “tpwk” doesnt really sit well if you publicly hangout with fuckheads that dont do that.

his fans. now if you dont fall under this descriptor im about to give-thats great! love you♡ anyway, his fans are OBSESSED. and i fucking mean obsessed. with gay pride now. which is fucking amazING!!!! BUT. these are the same people who are afraid of their gay friends falling in love with them. who the moment someone points out something that could prove harry to be gay(or at least open) instantly deny it and say there’s no way(medicine lyrics). who go to pride just to go and not to show support to the LGBTQ+ community. heres a quote from rolling stone(article will be linked at the end)  “ On the surface level, pride is being overrun by straight people and large companies who attempt to capitalize on gay culture with limited-edition pride products. A combination of the influx of straightness at Pride, along with the major setbacks the LGBTQ community has experienced in the past two years, has encouraged LGBTQ people and activism groups, like the Reclaim Pride Coalition, to once again make Pride a form of protest, not simply a celebration ” “ The issue isn’t then, “Is it appropriate for allies to attend Pride?” because the answer is unequivocally yes. ” “ The issue becomes “What’s the best way to show support while simultaneously realizing that as a straight and cisgender person, Pride isn’t for you?” ”  if you are an ally-we love you, truly. BUT. when you just go to pride dressed in rainbow and think its all about dancing and shit(sometimes it is!) but never actually stand up and do things for the LGBTQ+ community(i understand not everyone can because of their safety but im talking about people who can and choose not to because they’re comfortable). so again- if you are a true ally and understand when to sit down and be quiet, i love you. if you dont- use this as a time to educate yourself! “... so perhaps you should ask yourself, “Am I an ally the other 11 months of the year?” ” i love you as well!

and finally-i dont think ive ever heard him actually apologize for something....like, have we?? i cant remember a time where i have. if he changes and learns-great. but, in the meantime- i personally think apologies are needed! he keeps his fans in the dark about almost everything(which i think is healthy and good for him) but when it comes to not saying anything about BLM signs/flags and then just posting a picture on instagram (AFTER! fans came for him might i add) it’s something you should not keep in the dark. come out and say something and then once we see you change- yes! a king that learns from mistakes! 

NOW. i want to say i will always love him bc i still think hes a good person. just not the greatest like yall make him out to be. hes ugly sometimes inside(and out...sorry), he hangs out with shitty people that dont line up with things he profits off of(tpwk), and he doesnt need to be up on this pedestal you guys have put him on. imo-he could stand to be knocked down a few pegs! i already expect to get some hate on this, and thats okay-we all have different opinions and see things differently! im here to show my reasons and if youd like-send an ask on how you disagree! i love discussing things! i love you♡(be nice to me)

rolling stone article by ZACHARY ZANE-a good read!

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[glitchlich]

will @gamgee tagged me to do this but its long and not many of my followers are gonna bother reading it so I’m just putting it under a cut

any mutual can feel free to do it if they want I’m not bothering tagging specific people

Nickname: “bats”, any “m” name when someone cant remember mine, mostly “mitch”, “spiderman” back in high school Gender: dude Star Sign: capricorn Height: 5′10″ or 11″ Time: times not real Birthday: january 5 Favorite Bands: talking heads, oingo boingo, senses fail Favorite Solo Artists: the ugly facade, perturbator, trevor something Song Stuck In My Head: it ping pongs between different eurobeat songs Last Movie Watched: unless I watched something on netflix and cant remember, I saw shape of water with @windowlicker Last Show Watched: harmonquest When did I create my blog: fuck if I remember I think it mighta been right before summer of 2011 What do I post: eclectic mix of shitposts, my aesthetic, and art references Last Thing I Googled: the picture of the little girl saying “why not both” for a reaction to a friend’s facebook post Do you have any other blogs: an art blog that’s linked in my blog description and a sadboy blog that I only give the url to mutuals whomst I trust and love, but that one hasnt been used so much since I’ve gotten a better handle on my depression Do you get asks: only from mutuals because im a good boy who stays in his lane Why did you choose your url: my two most prominent aesthetics are cyberpunk and necromancy, “glitch” and “lich” rhyme

Following Blogs: some Followers: a few Favorite Colors: purple, gray, black, cyan, electric blue Average hours of sleep: about 6 if I work in the morning, about 9-10 when I don’t Lucky Number: 4 Instruments: used to play keyboard, tried guitar very briefly, my friend pat gave me like 3 crash courses in bass in his garage before Love: this is vague What am I wearing: jeans, tshirt, open button up over the tshirt with sleeves rolled up to elbow. this is p much how I dress every day, I just switch which jeans, which tshirt and which button up How many blankets do I sleep with: just one comforter Dream Job: i actually dont dream about “jobs” bc I hate capitalism, I just want a simple life that subsists of everyone helping each other with stuff because its nice to do and strengthens the community and then I wanna make good art and movies people enjoy, I only do shit for cash because I need cash to survive Dream Trip: I’ve always wanted to see norway, greece, and australia (not all in the same trip bc they’re not close lol) but I’m also just happy anytime I get the opportunity to travel in general I like new experiences Favorite Food: mexican for meals, rice pudding for dessert Nationality: american citizen, ethnically slavic (ukrainian and polish) Favorite Song: dont have one specific one

[smilesandcurls]

09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on