#people get so mad at him for not breaking the cycle of violence

[miaoqing]

actually you know what pisses me off even more than people making excuses for shen jiu????!!! people making excuses for shen jiu AND THEN turning around and criticising BINGHE!!!!!!!

[thedivinetarot]

Astro observation | Family Edition

This observations are made based on experience. You need to consider the environment you were raised in before considering if this resonates with you or not.

☆ I've realized that the conjunction between fire moons is explosive by the fire nature. Ex; someone have their moon in conjunct to someone else's moon in Aries. The nature of their feelings to each other can be unpredictable or unstable.

☆ Having one of your family members sun or moon specifically in your 4th house make you feel safe and seen with them.

☆ people with mars, Pluto or Saturn in their 4th house can indicate unstable home environment. If mars, then there was violence in the environment. If pluto then the 4th house person need to break generational trauma or he/she is the cycle breaker in the family. If saturn, then the environment was so structured and organized or parents might have high expectations of the child/ 4th house person or the mother or caregiver was so cold and distant emotionally.

☆ Uranus is the 4th house means that the person never settled down for a long time in one house during their childhood. Or they were the scapegoat or the black sheep in the family. I've also witnessed that they also got treated differently than their siblings.

☆ Having your moon or jupiter with good aspects (trine or sextile) with one of your siblings can make the relationship so addictive and sweet. Like this sibling make you feel so healed and at peace (you need to check other aspects).

☆ pluto square mars in the synastry between you and your parents/siblings indicates that the mars person were violent physically with pluto person. I've seen this in people who their caregiver was violent with them physically.

☆ Having your mars square mars of your caregiver can make you both do the same task differently. I've had this with my mother and when I help her she ask me to do the task in different way than I usually do. It can be frustrating honestly each one of us thinks she is right or her way is the right way.

☆ Having your father's sun in your venus or 1st house or ascendant can make you the golden child for him. Usually the sun person spoils the venus person a lot.

☆ Lilith in your siblings chart can tell you what exactly they are jealous of. If your siblings Lilith fell into your 7th house then she or he might be jealous of your social or romantic relationships. If their Lilith fell in your 1st house then they might be jealous of how you look or your beauty or your personality or your confidence.

☆ Venus or moon square pluto with siblings can make them very possessive of you. Like you are this person who they can't live without and they get so mad and angry when you put boundaries. Guys I'm not joking I have this with my younger siblings and both of them literally compete for my affection and the are so possessive over me lol.

☆ Having your moon in trine with a siblings moon can make you understand their feelings easily.

☆ Having a sibling with a lot of opposition aspects in you chart (more than 4 aspects) can mean you either can't live without them or hate the ground they walk on. Also I've seen that this sibling can help you see any problem from a different angle.

☆ Saturn in the 1st house or Saturn conjunct the ascendant can make the person a child who carried too many responsibilities from a very young age. Like taking caring of younger siblings or parenting their own parents. This can be an indicator that the person who have this aspect is the oldest child (take what resonates).

☆ Siblings with the same mars sign can get irritated from the same things, which can be good or bad based on the other aspects.

☆ Your parent or siblings saturn in your 1st house or conjunct your ascendant can make them very critical of you. Like for ex. If someone's saturn in leo and you have a leo ascendant they can be very critical of your personality or confidence or choices. Another ex. If someone's saturn in gemini and you have gemini ascendant then the saturn person will be very critical of your ideas or neighbors or school friends or they can judge your communicating style.

☆ If you have your father's Lilith in your sun sign he can be very jealous or intimidated by you or your achievements which can lead to a lot of misunderstanding or even abuse.

☆ Your mars in your father's 1st house or conjunct his ascendant could indicate that the mars person can provoke the ascendant person easily, Which can lead into violent arguments.

☆ Your caregivers mercury square your moon can make them clueless of how you feel or the way they communicate their feelings make you very irritable.

☆ Saturn in the 10th house in the natal chart can indicate a very strict father figure. Also another thing is your father might have been very critical of you or giving you hateful comments.

☆ If you have your planets in your mother's 5th house; most of your relationship with her is either encouraging you to follow your dreams/ passion OR spent a lot of time with you doing fun stuff (watching movies, going to restaurants, shopping, having coffee together etc..).

☆ I know many people mentioned this before but I will mention it again anyways. Saturn in cancer means a very dry and unhealthy relationship with the mother. The native's mother might have been cold and distant towards the child or the house person. And the effect can be greater if saturn in cancer was in the 1st house and 4th house specifically.

☆ Moon in Aries, Scorpio, Aquarius, Capricorn and gemini have a very unhealthy relationship with their mother. Their mother either were too detached from them or too attached with no personal space. Also these moons can indicates emotionally unstable individuals.

☆ I've seen this alot but idk if you guys have experienced this. Anyways, a Taurus sun sister can always fight with Cancer sun brother. They always be like: I told you not to use my facial cleanser and he be like: but it smells so good🙄.

☆ Mercury in virgo for a sibling can make them very critical of your ideas especially if you have air or water mercury. These natives with virgo mercury can make you feel dumb honestly.

☆ Mercury opposition in synastry with a sibling can make both natives aware of how different their style of communication or seeing any subject differently.

☆ Your siblings Venus or moon in your 1st house can make them very very generous with you. Like they can give you A LOT of stuff or food or even share clothes with you.

☆ Siblings with virgo and taurus sun are very generous also. They share alot of their possessions with you. They can even give you money, food, clothes. (If they love you).

☆ Siblings with Leo placements are very generous too. They are the sugar daddy/mommy in the family.

☆ Siblings with libra placements loooovveee to be spoiled by others. And most of the time they can be the diplomats in their family when two people are fighting.

☆ Aries placements can either be your biggest bully, selfish and uncaring sibling OR the most responsible and caring one there's no in between.

☆ Siblings with Sagittarius placements or Sagittarius dominate are fun to be around. But their anger can be unpredictable.

☆ No one and I said no one can understand you more than the sibling who have their sun in your ascendant. They just get you.

Post date: 17th of sep/2024-Tue

* Feedback is appreciated

How many of them did resonate with you?

Thank you for reading this ❤

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Jason Dean dating someone who's transmasc

Warnings: brief mentions of transphobia, canon typical stuff such as bullying, swearing, violence, murder, etc, slight suggestive things but nothing that's full on smut (I might make another post with that later), smoking (because we all know our boy JD smokes like a chimney), mentions of dysphoria, mentions of menstrual cycles/periods, some forcemascing by JD (sorry I couldn't resist)

A/N: I did a Veronica version of this like two years ago and since I'm currently obsessed with JD (and it's pride month) I felt the urge to write one for him too (also because I've come to the conclusion that I might just be transmasc and not genderfluid so this is mostly just written for me)

I wanna start off by saying that yes JD is an asshole, but he'd never be (intentionally) transphobic. However, if he thought you were trans then he would push your buttons a little bit to see how long it would take you to admit it, especially if you met before you came out

Let's say you two started dating when you still saw yourself as a girl or something (I know that JD's supposed to be "straight" or whatever but he's bisexual to me okay fight me on it). If he saw you acting a little uncomfortable being referred to as his girlfriend or having to use the women's restroom at school he would 100% call you out on it

Not in a degrading way or anything like that, just to see how you would react to it. The second you start to get defensive or give him the silent treatment he shuts up, not only because he accomplished what he set out to do but also because he feels a little bad

Eventually you just decide to rip off the bandaid and come to terms with the fact that you're actually a trans guy, him being one of the first people you tell. His only real response to this "startling revelation" is to look at you and go "Yeah I kind of figured that one out for myself already, I was just waiting for you to"

Your worries that he'd want to break up with you after telling him disappeared almost immediately as you crossed your arms and rolled your eyes at him. "Ha ha, very funny smartass"

If you decide you want to cut your hair shorter then he will absolutely offer to help you with it, insisting that there's no reason for you to go to a professional with him there (it's totally not just because he's very possessive and would never let anyone else touch your hair other than him, that's crazy)

You may have wore his clothes some before, but he practically begs you to do it after you come out. Why would you ever need to go shopping when you can just raid his closet, y'know? Plus seeing you in them really turns him on

He gets ten times more protective afterwards too, constantly following you around to make sure you're okay. You could have classes that take place at the same time on opposite sides of the school and he'll always skip his to join you. Eventually the teachers just move his class schedule around to match with yours since he never attends his anyway

Always has an arm wrapped around you no matter what, especially if he sees someone like Kurt and Ram passing by. It's best to distract him with kisses or something so he won't hear the things they call you and get mad (he hears them anyway but can't resist making out with you so he lets it slide for the time being)

Speaking of making out, he does it with you everywhere and all the time, whether it's a modern au or the 80s. He's not worried about what people say or do, usually letting his gun do all the talking. He shoots them is what I'm trying to get at here lol

Most people are much too scared to even breath too loud near you because of your attack dog boyfriend but if it ever does happen that you get bullied (whether that be verbally or physically) he will go out of his way to make sure the local morgues, cemeteries, and funeral homes have plenty of business

Feeling anxious or stressed about having to spend time with/be around someone who misgenders/deadnames you? Just let him tag along. He might not say much but what he will do is very passive-aggressively correct said person on their "mistakes". It pretty much always works as no one wants to argue with a guy who frequently carries a gun

It's not the best habit around but he probably gets you hooked on smoking at least occasionally, especially if he hears you complain about your voice being too high. Oh, you're worried that you sound too feminine and "girly"? He has the perfect way to get you that low and gravelly voice that you want! You think he's talking about voice training or something until he hands you a pack of cigarettes and with the most serious expression ever says "these will do wonders"

Even if you don't smoke religiously like he does it's kind of hard to resist it completely given how often he lights up a cigarette (and yes, he will blow smoke into your face, because while he loves you he's also an asshole and thinks it's funny when you wrinkle up your nose in disgust at him)

He's not the best at comforting you when it comes to days where you feel dysphoric. Like, he won't flat out say that he thinks you're acting ridiculous because he knows it would only make things worse, but he's also not great when dealing with emotions, so the most he might do is let you cling to him while he gives you a few awkward pats on the back

If this goes on for days borderlining on weeks, however, that's when he'll start to act less sensitive and give you a bit of tough love. "What are you talking about saying that you 'don't look like a guy'? Are you crazy? You really think life would be better if you were still living as a girl? Do you honestly think that would make you happy?"

It surprisingly works, believe it or not. Even if you know he's purposely trying to rile you up it ends up making you feel better and more confident in yourself. Anytime he notices you starting to slip back into feelings of self doubt or insecurity, he just wraps you up in his arms and whispers soft encouragements in your ear. "You were never a girl, you just need to work a little bit harder than others to grow into the man that you are. If anything, that's a testament to your strength for being able to do that"

This certainly happens whenever you're on your period and feel grouchier or less confident than usual. "You're so strong for being able to endure this every month, did you know that? You're much braver than I am, I doubt I'd be able to get through it as well as you"

Sometimes you almost start crying because of how emotional his words make you feel, and sometimes you roll your eyes with annoyance while muttering "you're a condescending asshole" under your breath. Either way it ends up making you feel better, especially when he offers to rub your lower abdomen when your cramps get too bad

If you decide to start HRT then he wants to be there to help you take the shots, even if you insist you can do it yourself (he likes being part of the process of helping you "turn into" a man). Same thing if you use T gel or whatnot, he gets really pouty if you ever apply it without him

He's not really the best person to do "guy bonding" activities with unless you like making pipe bombs or planning the murders of people you hate (hypothetically speaking, of course) but if there's anything like that you want to try out then he'll definitely be there to support you. Like I don't know, hunting/fishing? Or watching sports games while drinking beer? Or breaking out the toolbox and fixing things around the house? Sorry I don't really know things that guys do despite being one myself 😭

The only exception to that is probably car maintenance. I see him as being very protective over his motorcycle and learning how to take care of it himself so he doesn't have to worry about taking it to the shop and having them screw it up. He'd be happy to teach you about how to change your own oil and might even teach you how to ride it as long as you don't accidentally scratch up his paint job. He might not kill you for it, but he will be very upset and end up ignoring you for a few hours afterwards

Purposely introduces/refers to you as his boyfriend in front of others just to see your face light up with confidence. It's not like JD has a lot of friends or anything but anyone that he does know feels as if they've met you already because of how he much he talks about you (he's totally that one annoying person you know who never shuts up about their partner ever)

All in all, I'd say he's a relatively good boyfriend in general, but especially if you're transmasc. Solid 8/10 (one point was deducted for his slight insensitivity and another was due to his crazy streak. Sorry JD I promise I still love you </3)

Main masterlist | Heathers masterlist | wanna be added to my taglist?

End notes: this ended up being much longer than I anticipated but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever at all

Likes < reblogs | comments are greatly appreciated | requests are currently open

🏷 taglist: @missmewts @ghot-girl @gilmore-angel @your-next-daydream @the-night-owl-blr @noisy-dumb-piece-of-shit @pregnantmen @theonetruepotato87

[windstir]

rosemarine is as much of a victim as gilbert is, a more outright one i'd say. the way auguste threatens gilbert (a kid who has been targeted by him and groomed for his entire life) is VERY different to the way he threatens rosemarine (an adult, 18 at the beginning, i'd say around 21 AT MOST by the time kazeki ends. auguste got a proper hold of him at 15, before that he was only odd towards rose)

auguste establishes the power dynamics between those two in very different ways, for instance he uses his "love" towards gilbert as a double edged sword. if he's not "loving" him gilbert perishes and is kept trapped because it makes him crave the toxicity even more. that's why serge's presence was so dangerous, because teaching gilbert safety meant he's properly going to realize "this is wrong, this needs to stop" ... which he already knew, he said it himself ("do you think i let you fuck me because i wanted to? i did it because i didn't have other options") but he doesn't know how to stop it, so he lets it happen and romanticizes the situation, he knows and he knew from day 1 that auguste was a dangerous man, but he clung onto him because he was all he had.

meanwhile, rosemarine gets a more threatening version of this treatment. auguste speaks to him as an equal (almost) when he's not mad, but when he is he yells and lashes out, and threatens to get close, which he knows rosemarine hates (unlike gilbert who is the complete opposite) and uses it against him.

Auguste isn't smart (HELL a lot of people knew about his awful treatment towards gilbert when gilbert was a CHILD, but they never did anything to stop it), he literally just goes through life doing whatever the hell he wants and hurting whoever prevents him from reaching whatever goal he has, he doesn't hide it, he doesn't pretend to be a good person, he doesn't do shit he just goes up to the principal and goes "yeah let gilbert do whatever i'll pay you man", he goes up to rose and goes "don't intervene in the gilbert issue, just make sure he doesn't die or something idk", he kisses gilbert on school grounds, he offers himself as a future husband for angeline (11 by the time she appears again, serge is 14-15)

he does WHATEVER he wants WHEREVER he wants, he doesn't gaf, he's not smart, he isolates gilbert and keeps him in an environment that equally validates his own treatment. usually in stories about child abuse someone (an adult) knows and tries to stop it, sometimes they succeed, sometimes they don't, but in kazeki EVERYONE LETS THINGS HAPPEN. and the cycle continues.

abuse culture thrives in silence (auguste's peers), bystander effect (everyone in laconblade), enablers (rosemarine, the principal) and refusing to break the cycle despite being scared (auguste abuses rose → rose enables gilbert's abuse rather than speaking up against auguste → gilbert assaults carl ... carl doesn't continue this cycle, but indirectly contributes to everything by being a bystandar ... HOWEVER he cannot be 100% blamed since he's a child. he's scared, he blames himself, he doesn't want to tell anyone because of His Own Can Of Worms -which someone else with a more religious background could probably explain better-)

gilbert is at the bottom of the chain, and he has normalized this abusive behavior SO much that he doesn't really see it as something inherently bad. to him, this is another thing people do, he has never known normalcy, so when he assaults carl to "assert dominance" over him and taunts him, he's just repeating the things people did/do to him.

it's kinda like when children exposed to violence in the home (ANY sort of violence, whether it's directed to them -csa, physical abuse, emotional abuse- or indirect -seeing a parent get abused-) play with toys violently and reenact their trauma through play (there's a proper term for this, i currently can't remember, but it's used in play therapy to try and decipher what's up with a child too young to voice their worries and woes!)

anyway uhm

this is just word vomit, sorry.

[nonbinarypirat]

I’m catching up on Bungou Stray Dogs and I got to chapter 39 and wow… what a bad chapter. Or I should say, I VERY purely written, mishandled chapter. So I wanted to talk about why I hate this so much (even though so many people have probably talked about this here and other platforms.) Get ready for a rare known Iruma breakdown. But also I’m so mad about this chapter so this is going to be more of an unhinged rant then a well written post. Warning: child violence, abuse, abusive cycles, and sympathizing an abuser

This chapter is somehow a thousand times worse than what the anime did? I wonder if the people in charge of the anime also didn’t like this part and decided to cut it short and get through it as soon as possible and move on. Though it could also just because of how fucked up it is. No matter the reason, I went into this chapter hoping that maybe there was some context lost from the anime to manga but nope! In fact the manga goes further with trying to make you sympathize with a literal child torturer? It honestly makes me appreciate the episode just a tiny bit more for not including his oh so tragic backstory 🙄. Look, no matter what you have gone through, you don’t get the right to abuse a child. Plain and simple. Just because you were abused doesn’t give you the right to do it to someone. I get that the abuse cycle is not easy to break but once you fall down the same path you are ALSO a fucked up person! And you deserve to suffer for your actions. I wished he got a worse death than a car accident tbh 🤷.

Anyway, I hate how every character in this chapter acted like Atsushi was being irrational about not wanting to know why the headmaster was around? That’s his torturer, the man that literally made his life hell? If he doesn’t want to know, don’t force him. Like, could it give him closure, I guess. But he should be the one seeking that out. Quite frankly, once it was found out the headmaster was involved Atsushi should have been pulled from the case. Give him some distance to process everything rather having to learn about his abuser’s life story or whatever. Like I said, if he wanted to learn that info he should but only if he wanted. Idk why it treated him not wanting to know as acting irrational. I feel like every character treated him like this, from Tanizaki to Akutagawa to Dazai. Instead of comforting him in this difficult time they just… didn’t do anything? Obviously Akutagawa wouldn’t but why didn’t the other two do anything to make him feel better? Only Dazai did really and it was shitty. Full stop bad.

Which leads me into the crutch of it, I hate how they made the headmaster out to be a father figure or mentor. He’s not?? What the fuck are you on about. Like, I could see it if there was fake comfort, subtle or advert manipulation by being nice sometimes. Then it would have been a situation of, he’s the only father figure I ever had but he hurt me in the worst ways. And that’s where the ending could be. Not to say it would still be a well written depiction of abuse, it still tries to get you to empathize with the man, however, I could get where all the complication in Atsushi would lie. But this man was literally the worst human being to walk the face of the Earth the entire time we see him in the manga. So it makes ZERO SENSE. I guess that’s the angle they were going for, he’s the only adult man I know but it does NOT work at all. How is he a “mentor.” Just because he said to hate me not yourself? Fuck that shit, Atsushi does not need to feel bad for that man just because he was trying to make him strong or whatever bs excuse he has. Oh wow, he got him flowers. How ‘bout you pay for his therapy bills?!

If they really wanted to have some nuance, instead I feel like the conflict should have centered around Atsushi still not feeling safe or like he isn’t really dead. Like he can’t allow himself to relax despite the fact that he knows the facts. Especially since the headmaster was a big threat throughout his life, having him suddenly die would be a large shock to the system and go into denial mode. Thus, Dazai or someone else could help him move on and he could finally breath a sigh of relief. Or maybe he’s scared that other workers of the orphanage will try to find him. Maybe he tries to go back to normal, doesn’t give himself time to process, and it all comes crashing down and he has to grapple with the fact that he will never know WHY the headmaster treated him like this. Honestly, not having it answered would have been better because often people don’t get an answer why abusers act the way they do. This idea could add another reason why Atsushi is conflicted between happy and deeply upset because the headmaster is gone but now he’ll never understand why he was treated so horribly. And grappling with the idea that maybe he will never know or understand. Which is tragic but would be a better written and understandable conclusion.

BSD just really dropped the ball with that chapter. It had a great opportunity to bring a nuanced perspective onto why Atsushi may not be elated with his death and get further perspective on him as a character. But instead it focused too much effort on making a child abuser sympathetic because he also faced abuse in an orphanage and some people died and so he tried to make Atsushi strong or whatever. Atsushi deserved a better end in than chapter that Dazai calling that gross piece of shit his father.

Edit: I wanted to add that as much as I hate this chapter I liked the parts where we got to see how bad Atsushi’s life really was at the orphanage. I mean, it hurt for sure but getting to see this put into perspective fully why Atsushi has a hard time pushing through his trauma and past. Like, PTSD is no joke and that was reason enough, but seeing how far it got really showed that. Which makes me mad when people imply he should have gotten over it already or similar statements. Like, dude if that was me I wouldn’t have made it to 18. It’s actually impressive his resolve to live despite everything. Kind of wished we saw that in the anime as dark as it was but once again, I think it was not included specifically because of how poorly it handled this topic. Not gonna lie, it would piss me off enough to not finish the show (not that it’s too much of an improvement but it at least is like, bad writing but a pass).

[littleweowmeow]

I just love people who shout about the villainous deeds of Zuko that he committed sometime before our era (as if this cancels his redemption arc and the fact that he is a hero in the end lol). And they do it with such pathos of great enlighteners, the only ones who see the truth while the "gray mass" is blinded by their love for the "colonizer". It is impossible to look at this without laughing. It's like smart thoughts were chasing people, but people were faster.

Like I always say that Zuko is a villain at the beginning of his journey and that's what makes his arc so impressive. He has the potential to become like Ozai or Azula and he is already on the way to it. But he stops and doesn't do the same thing. Although he may also thinked, namely, "well, if it hurt me, then I have the right to hurt others," and I do not claim that he has never resorted to such rhetoric. He fucking stopped and went in the exact opposite direction and damn it it's so important! It's as if we're talking about a character who turned away from an entire political system that brainwashed people and from his disgusting family, which drove him into a psychological trap for a long time and breaks the cycle of violence because he doesn't grow into an abuser. The plot itself holds him accountable both for his actions and for what was done by his ancestors. He wanders around the Earth Kingdom and feels all the damage done to the world by his country on his own skin, he cannot escape from his past and the past of his people, so despite the fact that he saves the villagers, they drive him away with horror and hatred. In the finale, Zuko literally becomes the Fire Lord, pledging to atone for the sins of his entire people over a hundred years of war. But come on. What if Zuko was the one who didn't want to continue the violence from the very beginning?

Agni Kai with Admiral Zhao. Zuko, in a position of power, can do whatever he wants with his opponent. An opponent who smiled when his face was burned, an opponent who reveled in power over him right before the duel, an opponent who would definitely not show mercy. And what does Zuko do? Shows mercy. Although he remembers exactly what Ozai did when Zuko himself ended up on the floor. He refuses to act like his main tyrant when he can do it but doesn't. It is also interesting that Zhao calls Zuko a coward for showing mercy and then, when the duel is over, hits him in the back. Yes, Zuko is definitely definitely an evil and incorrigible guy.

And now my favorite:

Anon : You understand that the Blue Spirit literally robbed people, the same refugees because in his opinion these people owe him? He's still a disgusting racist and colonizer!

I'm : I am aware of this and I do not shut myself off from the inconvenient truth. And in the subsequent series, he literally saves the village of such "peasants" from people who abuse power over peaceful and defenseless residents, although he was more than inclined not to do so. Oh yes, no one tells him what to do, there is no one around and Zuko is alone. He chooses what to do and his choice is to save the inhabitants of the enemy village from the oppressors. (A very villainous act of a real colonizer) Zuko does not get mad at the inhabitants when they drive him away because he did not save them in order to get laurels. He just walks away. Not taking revenge for ingratitude or anything else. (Very villainous, but okay).

Anon : ...

I'm : ...This is called personal growth.

Anon : * piss with boiling water *

I don't even need to do brain gymnastics to justify him. He changes himself and accepts responsibility for his actions, faces their consequences. Zuko doesn't make excuses for himself and the plot doesn't do the same for him. Unlike many, he has a real redemption arc. There is a group of fans in the fandom who justify the villain in every possible way and humiliate other characters so that they seem worse against the background of their "poor meow meow", these are those people who cannot stand criticism of their favorite and want their favorite not to face the consequences of his actions. Oh yes, this character does not have a redemption arc. I didn't mention their names, but you all know who I mean. Zuko stans doesn't need to babysit him and justify everything he does. Because Zuko accepts responsibility himself. Because Zuko is no longer a villain. Cope with it.

[supernovafics]

𝐌𝐀𝐃 𝐖𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍

pairing: frank castle x fem!reader

word count: 5.4k words

summary: in which you want to get revenge on the people that killed your brother, but you needed frank’s help to do so

warnings: explicit language, death of a loved one, blood/mentions of violence, angst, implied smut

author’s note: i was working on this on and off for the past maybe three months (going through that never ending cycle of gaining inspiration and then losing it). and i’m so happy that it’s final done! and i really love how it turned out!! hope y’all enjoy<333 (full folklore series here!)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝and there's nothin' like a mad woman. what a shame she went mad. no one likes a mad woman. you made her like that.❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

“Y’sure you don’t want to just stay here?” 

Frank’s question didn’t surprise you, but that didn’t change how annoyed you immediately felt by it. 

“I’m not letting you go in there alone,” You were quick to tell him, and you firmly buckled your seatbelt to show him how serious you were. “Especially because you’re only doing this for me.”

“I’ve done worse things.”

It was hard to rebuttal Frank’s statement because you knew exactly how true it was, but you still said something. “I’m coming.”

Frank only nodded his head at your words before finally beginning to drive the car the two of you were sitting in.

If it were a year ago, you would’ve actually understood Frank’s hesitance toward you coming because, in comparison to who you were now, you were completely different then. And sometimes, it surprised you how vastly your life had managed to change in just twelve months. 

However, if it was also a year ago, you wouldn’t have needed Frank in the first place. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝now i breathe flames each time i talk. my cannons all firin' at your yacht. they say, "move on", but you know, i won't.❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Five Weeks Earlier

The pain in your wrist was what woke you up. 

A part of you felt upset because every other night, the sleep you had been getting in your motel room located in the middle of nowhere Illinois was shitty, but the deep state of rest that you’d found yourself in that specific night actually felt really good. 

When you opened your eyes, the first thing you noticed was Frank Castle sitting across the room in the creaky wooden chair that you hated. 

“Jesus Christ,” You said, shooting upward in surprise, and from the tug of your arm, you noticed why your wrist was hurting in the first place; it was handcuffed to the headboard. “What the hell?”

Frank dismissed your previous statements and instead leaned forward in the chair, squinting at you. “You’ve been following me for the past two weeks. Why?”

You mentally kicked yourself because, apparently, you hadn’t been as discreet as you thought you’d been. However, the man in front of you was Frank Castle, so it probably would’ve been more surprising if he didn’t notice you. 

You took a moment to truly think about how to respond to him. The next words that you would say would be the most important, and you knew that this was essentially your “make or break” moment with him. That was why you had only been mildly stalking him for the past few weeks instead of approaching him at any of the places you had followed him to. Because you couldn’t figure out the best way to actually talk to him. What you wanted, needed, from him was so important to you, and you couldn’t risk screwing it up. 

After Frank stared at you as you took what felt like hours to think of what to tell him, you settled on simply saying, “I want your help.” 

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and his head cocked slightly to the side. “Who are you?” 

It sounded like a fairly easy question he was asking you. But you knew that it wasn’t; he wanted more than just you simply responding with your name. 

“Eight months ago, my brother was murdered,” You started and then stopped immediately. Those words still felt so foreign falling from your lips. “He got involved with this fucked up group of people that he thought were his friends at first, but then they wanted him to do a bunch of illegal shit; robberies, drug deals, kidnappings, pretty much any horrific thing you could think of. And when he tried to get out, to leave, they killed him.”

You left out the part about how you had been so close to getting him out of it all. That days before Jackson was supposed to board a flight to where you lived in Seattle, they shot him and left him for dead in the middle of a park. 

You also didn’t tell Frank that sometimes you couldn’t help but blame yourself because you had left him alone in New York. Even though when you got your job in Washington, Jackson had begged you to go because he knew how much you had wanted the job and to get away from New York. The city that took your parents and left you as the only guardian of your brother since you were sixteen and he was five. 

But that still didn’t stop you from blaming yourself. For not forcing him to come with you when you got the job, to get a fresh start like you wanted in a completely new place, sooner. Even though he was twenty and could make his own decisions, he was still your little brother, and you always wanted to protect him. 

You didn’t say any of that to Frank, though, because you knew it wasn’t needed. That information wasn’t important to the task at hand.  

Instead, you said, “And I found them. Exactly where they are in New York. What they’re doing right now, and what they’re planning to do. But I need your help. I know who you are and what you do, and I want those people that killed my brother dead. And you’re the only person that could possibly care and help me with that.”

Frank was silent once you finished speaking and your explanation just lingered in the air of the motel room. It was then, in that moment of quiet, that you were reminded of how badly your wrist was feeling. 

“So,” You decided to break the prevailing silence. “Can you help me?”

Instead of answering your question, Frank posed a few of his own. “How do you know where these guys are? How do you know anything about them?”

Frank’s lack of a response to your very important question didn’t worry you. In fact, a part of it made you inwardly smile. Because he wasn’t saying no to you, at least not yet, and that gave you all the hope you needed at that moment. 

“I work with computers; I.T., data analysis, it feels wrong to say hacking because of its negative connotation, but yes, that too,” You began explaining, happy to tell Frank what you had decided to look into a few months ago when your grief morphed from intense sadness to anger. “And these guys are idiots. It took me less than an hour to get into my brother’s phone, get these guys’ numbers, and find every single piece of information about the shit they’re doing. I tracked the warehouse that they’re set up at outside of Long Island, and I got into all of their phones, so I know every single text message and call they’re making at any time.”

Frank studied you for a moment, almost as if he was trying to see how honest you were being. “I wanna see.” 

“It’s all on my laptop. In my bag, on the table by the door,” You responded quickly, and Frank was quick to reach into your bag and hand your laptop over to you. You gestured your head in the direction of your wrist that was still cuffed to the headboard. “Could you take the handcuff off?”

Frank nodded as he pulled a key out of his back pocket and finally unlocked the handcuff, taking it off your wrist. You almost immediately began rubbing it, trying to ease away some of the pain. 

“It’ll be bruised for a bit, but it should stop hurting after a day or two.” 

You didn’t say anything in response to that, although you did appreciate Frank’s words. Instead, you opened up your laptop and began pulling up the information that he wanted to see. 

As he looked at your computer, you abruptly said, “Thank you.”

Frank shook his head at you. “I haven’t said yes. That I would help you.”

You simply nodded understandingly at his words. However, there was a certain look of intrigue on his face as you showed him everything you knew about your brother’s murderers that told you otherwise. 

He didn’t have to say it aloud, and a part of you thought he might never actually say it out loud, but it didn’t matter because Frank Castle was going to help you. That was something you knew for certain. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝i'm takin' my time. takin' my time. 'cause you took everything from me.❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

It was nearing eleven when you and Frank pulled up across the street from the warehouse that housed the people that killed your brother. 

A part of you felt nervous knowing what was going to happen, but the other part of you felt happy that something completely justified was about to occur. 

“They’re all in there, right?”

You looked down at your laptop, which currently showed the pinpointed locations of the cellphones of everyone involved. 

Apparently, from the text messages and phone calls you had been monitoring, there was an important meeting happening right then about the next robbery they were planning. 

“Yes, they’re all there and have been for the last thirty minutes.”

“Okay,” Frank responded. “Then it’s time.”

You nodded and shut your laptop before placing it in the backseat. When you turned your attention back toward Frank, you noticed a certain look on his face that you couldn’t necessarily decipher, but for some reason, it worried you. 

You almost asked him what was wrong, but he grabbed your arm before you could mutter out the first word of the question and handcuffed your wrist to the steering wheel. You were too in shock about what was happening that you couldn’t even put up a fight against him. 

“Frank, what the hell are you doing?”

“Remember that conversation we had a few weeks ago?”

You knew exactly what he was talking about, but you didn’t allow yourself to acknowledge it right then. “I don’t care about the conversation. Uncuff me, Frank.”

“I’m not gonna do that,” He shook his head at you. “Instead, I’m gonna go inside that warehouse, handle this for you, and then come back out. Okay?”

“No.”

None of this conversation truly felt real to you. The plan that you had curated with Frank over the past weeks felt like it was going completely down the drain. And although sometimes, deep down, you thought maybe you’d be the one to bail out and change things up at the last second, instead, it was Frank forcing you to do so, and you couldn’t believe it. 

He didn’t respond to your one-word protest and instead opened the driver’s seat door. 

There felt like there wasn’t really any hope that Frank would change his mind, but you couldn’t allow yourself not to try at least once more. 

“Please, let me go in there with you. I want to do this.”

He only looked at you for a moment before saying, “No, I’m not letting you do this. You’re a good person, and doing this will change that. As much as you think it won’t change you, it will. And I’m not gonna allow that to happen. So, just let me handle this for you.”

You didn’t get another chance to protest because Frank stepped out of the car before you could say anything.

He was protecting you, and you knew that. But, it also felt like after over a month of knowing one another, he still only saw you as weak, as someone that needed saving. 

And that made you angry because you never wanted him to save you; you just wanted him to help you. You truly wanted to fight your own battle and hurt the people that hurt your brother, and he took that opportunity away from you. 

As you heard the trunk pop open and Frank reach for the guns that he put back there, two of which were supposed to be yours, you couldn’t help but think back to the conversation he had been referring to only moments ago. 

There was a certain thing he said during the minor argument that happened during that conversation, and thinking about it right then, with your wrist uncomfortably handcuffed to the steering wheel, it finally made you realize that maybe you should’ve seen all of this coming. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝what did you think i'd say to that? does a scorpion sting when fighting back? they strike to kill, and you know i will. you know i will.❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Three Weeks Earlier

You couldn’t put your finger on it, but there was something worse about the motel room in Long Island than the one in Illinois. 

The smells there were far worse than what you’d experienced in Illinois, but there was something else too, something that you couldn’t fully decipher. 

Maybe it was simply the place itself. You were back in New York, the city that took your parents and your brother too, and you truly hated being there. It no longer felt like any sort of “home” to you, and it hadn’t in a really long time. 

However, knowing what you were doing there and what was soon to come made the smallest part of you feel good about being there. And you had Frank too, as both quiet and annoyingly bossy as he was.

“Why are we waiting so long?” You had asked him one night as the two of you sat opposite one another at a diner. 

“Waiting is good. Waiting lets us know exactly what we’re up against. The guys may be idiots about keeping their shit off of computers, but they might be smart about other things,” Frank explained as he adjusted the hat on his head that he was using as part of a disguise. A part of you couldn’t help but reluctantly agree with his words. “Also, you need as much target practice as you can get. You’ve gotten better in the past week, but you’re still pretty bad.” 

You felt absolutely offended by the statement but still knew that he was completely right. However, that didn’t stop you from rolling your eyes at him and dryly saying, “Thanks for the words of encouragement.” 

“You’ll be ready when the time comes.”

You didn’t thank him for the actual words of encouragement and instead just took a bite from one of the last few fries on your plate.

The ending of that conversation left you feeling the tiniest bit hopeful, glad that Frank seemed as if he believed in you and that the two of you were actually a team in all of this. 

However, on a different night, only a few days later, the conversation had been much different. 

“Doing this won’t take the pain away,” Frank had told you. He was sitting at the foot of the double bed that was closer to the door, and you were in the other with your back against the headboard. The tiny television was on and playing reruns of Friends, as it probably had been all day. Your head immediately turned in Frank’s direction when you heard his abrupt words and as he continued speaking. “At the end of the day, he’ll still be gone.”

“I know,” You said, the two words coming out a bit sharper than you meant for them to. You cleared your throat. “But that doesn’t mean his murderers should continue to run free and keep doing severely fucked up shit.”

“I agree, but I wanted to tell you, so you can make sure you understand what you’re gonna do.”

“I know,” You told him. This time your voice was softer as you said the same two words. 

“You’re a good person. Doing this, killing people, can change that.”

“You are too.”

“I’m not a good person.”

“I don’t believe that.” You were quick to shake your head. “You’re helping me. For absolutely no reason. There’s gotta be some good in you, Castle.” 

He bypassed your statement. “Just think about this, okay?”

“My mind is already made up and has been for the past four months,” You told him before getting under your blanket and then turning on your side, facing away from Frank. You weren’t the least bit tired right then, but you were happy to pretend to bring an end to the conversation. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝what do you sing on your drive home? do you see my face in the neighbor's lawn? does she smile? or does she mouth, "fuck you forever"?❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Over the next three weeks, that conversation never came up again, so you thought that Frank ultimately stood by your decision. 

However, you were wrong. And you weren’t entirely sure how you felt about that just yet. 

Yes, you were mad at Frank, but you couldn’t allow yourself to hate him until you heard a good enough explanation as to why he wanted to do this without you. And not one that solely consisted of him calling you a “good person” because that sounded like a bullshit cop-out to you. 

It wasn’t long after Frank slammed the trunk shut and walked toward the warehouse that you heard the faint sound of gunshots. The sound startled you, even though you knew that it was coming, and you hated that the smallest, smallest part of you was glad that you weren’t in there. 

And that felt like a betrayal to not only yourself but especially your brother. 

You tried hard to push away the thoughts you knew would come next. The thoughts that you had successfully buried deep down for the past month you’d been with Frank. They were the thoughts that told you that you were to blame for what happened to your brother and that you should’ve tried harder to save him. When you thought about it long enough, the pain you felt from his death still felt fresh. 

You suddenly felt insanely claustrophobic, and you started yanking your handcuffed wrist hard in efforts to get yourself freed from the steering wheel. Of course, that did nothing but only hurt your wrist even more. However, you didn’t care because at least trying to do something at that moment felt better than wallowing in silence and crying as you thought about your brother. 

Barely twenty minutes later, you heard the sound of the trunk opening again. You hadn’t been paying attention to the sounds of the gunshots anymore, instead successfully dissociating yourself from the moment entirely, so you hadn’t noticed when they stopped, and hearing the trunk right then surprised you. 

You roughly wiped at your cheeks, which were unsurprisingly wet with tears, because some things you couldn’t push away, as you heard the trunk slam shut. And then moments later, you heard the driver’s side door open, and Frank get inside. 

He uncuffed your wrist without saying a word and especially didn’t say anything about the bruises already forming on your skin; from your pointless attempt to break free. He looked at your face— well, only the side of it, since you were staring straight ahead and avoiding eye contact with him— and he didn’t say anything about the fact that he could tell you’d been crying. 

Instead, he just started driving. 

You allowed yourself to take one quick glance at him, and right when you did, you knew that the sight of him with blood all over his clothes and face would never leave your mind. You silently wondered how much of it was his own. 

Instead of asking, you turned your head and decided to stare out the window as Frank drove back to the motel. 

“Don’t be fucking mad, okay?” He finally broke the prevailing silence after about five minutes. “It’s done and over now, and that’s what you really wanted, right?”

“Thank you,” You told him, words completely sincere, and you hoped your next ones came out the same exact way. “But, also, fuck you, Frank.”

He didn’t say anything in response to that, and you didn’t necessarily want him to, so it was a win-win situation in your eyes. Silence prevailed once again, and you continued to look out the window. 

“There was no reason for you to come in too,” Frank finally spoke. “It was seven guys. I’ve handled more than that, and smarter ones than that, before. Too many times to fucking count.”

“That’s not the point,” You responded and then sighed, not having the energy to explain yourself further. 

“Then what is the point?” Frank asked and then huffed when you didn’t say anything after a few moments. “Exactly.”

You let out a long breath before speaking. “I wanted to see them get what they deserved. I wanted to see them pay for what they did to him. That’s the point.”

Frank abruptly pulled the car over and looked at you. “So, what? You wanna go back? You wanna go see their lifeless bodies?”

You met his glare with a harsh look of your own and tilted your head a bit. “And what if I said yes?”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes at you. “It doesn’t matter because you wouldn’t say yes. You don’t have the stomach for that shit. As much as you keep trying to convince yourself otherwise, you’re not this kind of person.”

“You act like you know me, Frank, but you don’t. Like, how you keep spewing this shit about how I’m a ‘good person.’ Well, I’m fucking not.” You wanted to scream that at him, but you didn’t, and instead pulled your eyes away from his and went back to staring straight ahead at the empty road. “And you want to know how I know that? Because what happened to Jackson is my fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

You almost didn’t respond to him, but ultimately you did. “I left him, and he fell in with that group of people that hurt him. I should’ve forced him to leave the city when I did. But I didn’t. And I truly hate myself for that.”

That was the first time that you admitted out loud how much you blamed yourself for your brother’s death. And hearing the words finally fall from your lips made them feel even truer to you, and it also made your last sentence feel a thousand times more right as well. 

You sincerely did not want to hear Frank say anything in response to any of what you had just said, and instead, you wanted the conversation to end there. He must have read your mind because he didn’t say anything else the rest of the drive back to the motel. 

When he pulled into the parking lot, you stayed in the car as he exited and went to walk inside the room. He didn’t question you about what was going on in your head, which you were grateful for. 

You sighed and let your eyes slip shut. A part of you wanted to cry, but the other part of you felt too empty and numb, so ultimately, you just sat in the car in silence. 

It almost pained you to realize how right Frank was. 

Now that this was done— you got your “revenge”—  it changed nothing for you. Jackson was still gone, you were still hurting, and it wasn’t only that you lost him; you lost the final person in your family. Now you had no one. 

Although you already felt pretty numb, you sincerely craved a drink of anything, and the liquor store down the road suddenly sounded like a really good idea. But, instead, you walked into the motel room and could immediately hear the sound of the shower running. When you closed the door behind you and locked it, you planned to force yourself to sleep and hope tomorrow would bring better feelings, even though you were unsure what you would do next. 

However, when you saw the bathroom door open and heard Frank say the words, “I need your help,” you knew that you probably wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon. 

He only had a towel wrapped around his waist, and if this was any other moment, you would’ve allowed yourself to admire his body and how good he looked, a fact that never had been lost on you. However, all you could process was the gash on his hip, where you could tell a bullet had grazed him. 

“You’re bleeding,” You said, stating the obvious. 

“Yeah, that’s why I need your help,” He responded and then looked down at the open wound, examining it for a second. “It’s actually pretty deep so I need you to stitch me up.”

You hesitantly nodded and then went to grab the first aid kit that was packed in your suitcase and went over to where Frank was standing by the sink. 

“I’ve never done this before, so it is probably going to look very bad,” You told him before bending down to start stitching him up. 

He shrugged halfheartedly and glanced down at you for a brief moment. “It’s fine.”

You gave him a small nod and then pushed away the nausea you were already feeling because you had to do this. 

For the first time that night, you felt like things were too quiet, and the sounds of Frank’s soft winces as the thin needle pierced his skin didn’t fill the silence in a way that made things feel any sort of comfortable. 

Therefore, you decided you had to say something. “You were right.”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, so you took that as your cue to keep going. 

“The pain hasn’t gone away. And honestly, it might feel a bit worse than before; I am not entirely sure yet.” The fact that you weren’t looking Frank straight in the eyes as you spoke made it easy for you to continue to ramble on and say the things that you wouldn’t have told him, or anyone, any other time. “He was the last person I had, and now I have no one. And now that this is over, that fact just feels much more solidified. So yeah, you were right, and I’m glad I wasn’t in there with you. And honestly, maybe none of this shit you did for me really mattered in the first place. I don’t feel angry about it anymore. I just feel so fucking sad.” 

There was more you could say, but you knew that you needed to stop there before you turned into a sobbing mess on the white-tiled floor. 

“I didn’t wanna be right.” Frank finally spoke, and you stayed quiet, not saying anything more as you finished stitching him up. 

“You’re done,” You told him before standing up and purposely avoiding his eyes. “And I need alcohol, so I’ll be right back.”

Frank furrowed his eyebrows at you as he went to slip on a black t-shirt. “Are you sure about that?”

You didn’t turn around as you walked toward the door. “Positive.”

Of course, you knew it was a bad idea, and maybe you should’ve noticed the wary look on Frank’s face directed at you, but right then, you didn’t really care. 

Your journey to and from the liquor store down the street surprisingly took less than twenty minutes, and when you entered the motel room again, you didn’t waste any time unscrewing the bottle of dark tequila and taking a swig from it. 

Usually, it took at least four shots for you to effectively feel something; even in college, your tolerance for alcohol had been good. However, this night you only needed to take two shots for your mind to feel fuzzy. You chalked it up to the fact that you had already felt pretty numb inside. 

After your many persistent requests, Frank joined you and took small swigs from the bottle as well. The two of you sat at the foot of the bed that was his and traded the tequila back and forth as an old sitcom played on the small television, and a silence that you didn’t mind took over. 

“You’ll be fine eventually,” Frank abruptly said as he placed the top on the bottle and put it on the floor, an action that you didn’t protest because you knew that it was definitely for the best. “It won’t hurt forever.”

Without much thinking, mainly because your brain couldn’t allow you to do a lot of thinking, you leaned your head against Frank’s shoulder and hoped that he would also be right about that because, quite honestly, you were tired of feeling sad. 

“I truly hope so,” was what you wanted to tell him, but you couldn’t form the words on your lips. However, you still wanted to somehow show him that you appreciated his words. 

You pulled your head off of his shoulder and turned closer toward him to let your lips softly press against his cheek. The proximity was dangerous, and it was in that moment that you let yourself recognize how attractive Frank was; a thought that had been off limits from the second you decided you wanted his help to kill your brother’s murderers because you knew that thinking about him in that way would only pull your mind away from the task at hand. But, now, the task was over. 

Therefore, you allowed yourself to think about the stubble on his cheek and how it tickled your chin and made you want to smile. And you also thought about how nice he had always been to you, even when he showed it to you in a shitty way. 

He might not have seen himself as a good person, but to you, he was. 

You allowed yourself to meet his eyes for a brief moment, unable to read his expression, before letting your lips slot against his. You immediately tasted the tequila on his mouth, which sent a shiver down your spine but also warmed your insides. 

For some reason, kissing Frank at that moment didn’t feel wrong to you, and you could tell by the way that Frank’s hand found your cheek and pulled you the tiniest bit closer to him that maybe it didn’t feel wrong to him either. 

You slowly pulled away for a moment to catch your breath and maneuver yourself, with the help of Frank’s hands on your waist, so that you were straddling either side of his lap. When your lips found his again, you let your fingers thread themselves in his short hair. It was both slightly surprising and flattering to feel how hard he was beneath you, and the feeling made you moan in his mouth. 

Abruptly, Frank pulled away, and your confused eyes met his gaze as he softly said, “You’re sad and drunk right now.”

Both things he said were very true, but that didn’t mean that you wanted any of this to stop. 

“It’s okay. I promise,” You told him and started to slowly move against him. However, both of Frank’s hands found your hips and halted you. You sighed before letting out a soft, “Please.”

You hated how desperate you sounded at that moment, but you couldn’t help it. For once, you didn’t want to think about anything, and you wanted Frank to do the same. 

He simply looked at you and didn’t say anything for a few moments. You could tell that he was contemplating things, but the fact that he hadn’t moved you off of his lap yet gave you a small sliver of hope. 

“It’s okay,” You told him again and hoped you could convey to him how entirely true those words were. You knew that you wouldn’t regret this, even once your mind was fully cleared and devoid of alcohol. 

He didn’t verbally respond to you and instead pressed his lips against yours, which was a response you liked better anyway. You couldn’t help but smile into the kiss before matching his intensity with your own and passionately moving your mouth against his.

It didn’t take long for you to end up with Frank on top of you, clothes still on but wildly anticipating the moment they weren’t anymore. 

For once, something actually felt okay in your life, and you couldn’t remember the last time that was true. Since your brother died, you felt lost; and perhaps even before then, that feeling wasn’t too far off. 

It worried you thinking about what was next; even the thought of tomorrow scared you, knowing that somehow you’d have to go back to a life that was normal. But you didn’t want to think about that too much because doing so scared and confused you. 

As Frank peppered harsh kisses against your neck, leaving marks that would definitely be there for the next few days, you knew that there was one thing that remained certain. At that moment, you wanted him, and he wanted you. Even if it would be just for the night. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

❝and you find something to wrap your noose around. and there's nothin' like a mad woman.❞ 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

let me know ur thoughts<333

[earthgrudgefear]

Itachi for the ask game !!

YESS it is hard for me to talk about itachi because i have complicated feelings and i'm whatever the opposite of eloquent is but here it goes !

favorite thing about them: ok i know everyone and their mom's favorite itachi thing is that ough he's really the good guy NOPE. i like when he's crazy. i like the moments where you see him crack. i like that he genuinely believed ruining his brother's life was the Right thing to do. i like that the cycle of violence didn't end with him. i know that sounds fucking insane but listen,

least favorite thing about them: it is the fans. itachi fans are so bad. you get the ones who are like "HE SOLOS MADARA. HE COULD KILL GOD." and then you get the ones who are like "he's my sweet baby 🥺 he's innocent and never did anything wrong 💔" and both of them are so Painfully Off Base and are ignoring like the Actual complexity of his character it makes it Insufferable to exist in fan spaces

favorite line: OH it's when he first talks to kisame and he says "anyone who has raised their hand against a comrade, even once, never dies a decent death. remember that." and kisame says "which means you and i are both worthless" and it's one of my favorite interactions of any characters of all time

brOTP: nagato, easy. and by extension konan

OTP: kisaita. they break my heart for real. they're so painfully similar. villages so corrupt they force them into a place they can only kill their way out of. then the split happens where itachi stays loyal to konoha while kisame would watch kiri burn. kisame seeking truth while all itachi does is hide behind lies. like there's such poetry in them.

nOTP: increasingly i am tired of seeing him with d*idara 😭 (censoring that cause i don't know how to shut up, skip to the next bullet if you don't care what i'm on about) i feel like That scene is out of context too much. he only ever saw itachi as a threat. he had no Respect for what itachi did, he was Angry. he was humiliated and outdone by this guy who wasn't even trying. like yes at first it was awe but when it didn't mean anything to itachi, that changed. he literally trained himself to Kill itachi. he was SO mad and really so HURT fighting sasuke because of how Little sasuke cared about him (0% btw) and how he KNEW that look from itachi. so yeah. it's. i don't like it very much at all

random headcanon: ugh. i always had this thing with him and kisame, since itachi has no option but to lie and kisame is NOT for that, they have this rule that itachi Won't ever flat out lie to him, he'll put on the act for kakashi or sasuke or anyone from his old home, but not kisame. omissions of truth maybe, but he's as open and honest as he feels he can be. which over time becomes, Incredibly Honest. to the point of kisame knowing that when he goes to face sasuke the intention is, that's the end.

unpopular opinion: i think i hit a few in the rest of this post, not gonna lie.

song i associate with them: sleep my chemical romance. they're not like tremors they're worse than tremors they're like these terrors sometimes i see flames and sometimes i see the people that i love dying i can't ever wake up

favorite picture of them:

ok i actually had a different picture that came to mind but i've been dying to share this one and it's already saved on my phone so for now it's this one.

OKAY!

[wurdulac]

last year i wrote a list of media that touched me. bcs i have shit for memory i was noting down things i watched, played etc. this year. so here's the list.

the city and the city by china miéville - loved it...

the longing - idle game that felt quite promising in the beginning. you play as a lonely shade that has to wait 400 days for his king to wake up. it can get kinda weird and idk how i feel about this anymore.

rain dogs - extremely bleak life circumstances, intense toxic friendship. 'fast food isn't good for you. but i fucking love it'

deadwood - very intriguing way of plotting a story of a settlement but some things abt were fucking stupid and i'm still frustrated when i think abt it. haven't finished the final season and i don't really feel like it.

vanished birds <- read this or else

dungeon meshi - most beautiful art with dynamically drawn creatures and beasts that then get shown being cooked into delicious (and nutricious!) meals in great detail. setting is a spoof of a stereotypical party adventure world but it tries to make sense of its rules and creates in turn something quite unique. great characters too.

wuthering heights - extremely good narrative device. never knew that we learn this story through a tale being told by a servant to some cringey guy. surprisingly well depicted psychology of the characters. reading abt child abuse upset me so bad. society will fuck you up. some ways to better your lot are closed to you based on your gender and race. fucking up people over generations. also moors. they're important.

ghost in the shell

barry - the fact that the show never lets him forget. the satire on show biz, loving the veterans. it's like a more clownish version of breaking bad in a way (both being concerned with morality). characters are caritaturish but everything they do is taken extremely seriously. also it's quite inventive with filmography. solid. loved it.

sangfielle - weird fiction arc of FaTT podcast.. extremely good setting

andor - they didn't lie when they said star wars can be good. abt opression and imperialism.. and droids done well.

repo man - plotted in a very fun way... unforgettable ending.

hellraiser - it was so promising. shouldn't have turned into tense rubic cube solving under most dire circumstances ever imo.

bg3 - the themes have made me insane. it managed to be cohesive. it's the. carousel of violence. cycle of abuse. relationship with power. trusting the other not to use violence against (even though they could). male manipulators. the dark urge. it's not without its faults and it should have been tighter (durge should be the main protag and no tav, chop down act 1, erase halsin)

the terror - such a mixed bag. a very good and tense thriller about imperialistic hubris but. they put a beast there. and the villain was??? idk man.

iasip (well technically i've been trying to watch it for years, but this year alone i watched like 4 seasons or maybe more) - i simply love iasip. its style of comedy that is irreverent. the mad schemes. awful dynamics. touching real darkness.

blowback (podcast) - about american imperialism. first season abt iraq war tone-wise feels like if behind the bastards and citations needed had a baby. recommended.

roadwarden - loved it. loved the setting!

anyway... i kinda stopped reading books after i quit my job (no longer commuting somewhere regularly so i stopped using my kindle). had plans to watch more movies but it's always a struggle to sit down and start watching. went to more than 0 galleries but not that many tbh. i sometimes don't know what to say and most of my comments are still pretty general and feel trite.

[thedeafprophet]

and,,,A for everyone (or whoever you wanna talk about)?? :D

A) Why are you excited about this character?

I love all my ocs so much,

Jamie makes me excited because I just really enjoy them as a character, theyre a vessel to explore darker thoughts and mental health aspects, while also just being fun and silly and overall a joy to play around with. I absolutely love drawing them and designing fun outfits for them, and thinkin up both the joyful and horrific scenarios I put them in.

Alex makes me excited becase he's really fun to do stuff with. Theres a lot of projection aspects on him, as well as things I'd just Like to explore. Having a character who can just be Blunt and Angry means a lot to me, and I enjoy writing him in situations. He's also just.... nice, themes wise. A guy who's been through a lot, but still stands to break the cycle. who still manages to be caring, despite it all.....

Josephine is, again, a character I just really enjoy. The exploration of the complexities of grief is, well, important to me. Loss is a constant in life, something while not exact, a feature ive had to deal with. the themes of grief and moving on, and the struggle with that, is something that really gets me thinkin. I also just enjoy doing the sciency stuff with josie, its so fun to have a character who geniuenly enjoys stem and engineering in general, and josie is just so fun to play with. i love my mad scientist girl so much <3

I get excited with Aurora for The Violence. she was created with the intent to be powerful and bloody, and boy howdy, does she live up to that. A character who doesnt care about (most) others and is just purely a plot device can be SO fun.... but also rory is a lot more complicated then that! and i get really excited whenever that topic is broached (see: people encouraging me during the reflecion talk) she's a character with a whole lot more issues:tm: then just a base template villain.

aaaaaand this is long so ill just do quick summarys for the others

Gabriel: exploration of identity issues and what it means to be who you are

The housestaff trio: exploration of the working class in the victorian era and the complexity of below stairs

Inspector Lewis: making fun of cops is 10/10, always excited to do that

and then the numerous undeveloped background characters i have are in here somewhere XD

Ask Game From Here

[tyrantisterror]

Liveblog Postscript: My Silly Theory About Adolescence of Utena

It’s hours after I finished my liveblog of Adolescence of Utena and I just had some shower thoughts that I need to vomit out so I can easily recall them the next time I end up watching this series.

Short version: I think Adolescence of Utena isn’t just an alternate continuity, but rather a result of everyone reincarnating after the events of Revolutionary Girl Utena, and is about definitively breaking a cycle of abuse and victimization while also tying up loose ends from the show in a surreal way.

Long version after the cut!

Ok, so, like, the word revolution, right?  What first comes to mind is probably the “break free of social norms and change shit on a societal level” sort of revolution, which indeed seems to be the meaning implied by the title Revolutionary Girl Utena, since Utena is introduced to us by breaking a shitload of gender and social norms.  She’s the girl who chose to be a prince instead of a princess, bucking tradition and all that.

But revolution can also refer to a repeated circular motion - a wheel revolving in a piece of machinery, the earth revolving around the sun, an endless process of movement that ulitmately leads to no change whatsoever - you return to exactly where you began.

Both ideas of what “revolution” mean are recurring themes in Utena.  They occur visually - often in the show there are scenes (generally character introduction scenes) where the shot is framed with four roses revolving in the corners.

The duel arena that serves as the primary setpiece for the show’s action scenes is this giant clockwork contraption full of spiraling and revolving pieces, including the very stairs leading to the top.

The above sequence is one of a good handful of very noticeable pieces of stock footage in the show - sequences that you’ll see about once per episode, in fact.  Now, you could argue that’s purely a budget thing, but whether or not it was done for budgetary reasons doesn’t prevent it from also having meaning.  This is the chamber where Utena has her duels - its appearance in each episode heralds the perpetuation of that cycle of violence, the cycle of people trying to control and exploit Anthy, and Utena standing in their way.

Many of the characters themselves are trapped in these cyclical behaviors - Anthy being passed around from abuser to abuser, people dueling Utena again and again, Nanami desperately trying to humiliate Anthy and/or gain her brother’s affections to no avail, etc.  In fact I think you could argue that these cycles of behavior are what cause most if not all of the problems in the show - people are being driven mad by a world revolving.

Until Utena revolts and breaks the cycle.  A revolution to end the revolutions.

The duel chamber sequence changes in the last third of the anime, when shit gets real.  Utena isn’t climbing the revolving stairs to meet Anthy at the top anymore - she and Anthy both ride an elevator inside them.  The world revolves, stuck still in the machine of its patterns, but these two are moving forward without it.  Anthy’s school uniform - clothes that represent a role assigned to her - drops and becomes fodder for a plant that grows as the girls move forward, showing that something new is beginning to grow. The cycle isn’t going to last forever this time.

Ok, abbreviated and oversimplified summary of the end of the series: Akio, the main antagonist and a man trapped in his own cycle (he was once a prince who tried to solve everyone’s problems, cracked under the strain of it and had to be sealed away, and is now trying to remake the world as I understand it), tries to use Anthy for his own ends, fails, and watches as Utena does the impossible and breaks the curse on Anthy, saving her and changing the world in the process.  The anime ends with Akio thinking Utena failed, that she destroyed herself and will be forgotten, and deciding to start the whole system of duels again - only for Anthy to tell him he knows nothing, that Utena is alive and has simply escaped Akio’s world, and that now Anthy is going to escape it as well to find Utena and repay her for freeing her.

Got that?  Ok, let’s talk about the movie.

In Adolescence of Utena, Akio is dead to begin with.  That doesn’t mean he isn’t present or affects the story, but he’s a corpse in the ground.  He is dead.

because this isn’t his world anymore

Utena is instead inspired to be a prince by the actions of a boy named Touga.  In the show, Touga was one of Akio’s minions, more or less the most powerful/high ranked of them in fact, and kind of a real sleazy piece of shit.  But towards the end of the series, as Akio’s plan gets closer to completion and Touga sees how cruel it is to everyone else, Touga realizes he doesn’t like seeing these people - and Utena in particular, who he has grown to love to some extent - suffer.  He tries to warn Utena against trusting Akio and be the charming prince he’s often pretended to be, but Utena ignores him because, well, he was kind of a prominent antagonist for most of the series.

In Adolescence of Utena, Touga is not a sleaze or a piece of shit.  He’s a heroic young man who gives his life to save a drowning girl, and his heroism is what inspires Utena to become a prince.  In other words, he has completed the change of heart he began in the show - no longer a minion of Akio, but a noble young man, and one who Utena could love to some degree.  If we view this Touga as a reincarnation of the original, then he has essentially finished the business the original began.  The cycle of Touga’s bad behavior was broken - he revolted against the role Akio gave him in the original story.

Touga’s sister, Nanami, who was a recurring yet fairly incompetent antagonist who eventually became more of a comic relief buffoon than an actual threat, is mostly absent from the movie - which, again, makes sense given where her story ended in the anime.  Nanami realized how she was being used, and how bad the environment of the school was, and tried to transfer to another school to get away from all this horseshit.  While Akio stopped her in the show, here, in the reincarnated world, Nanami’s gone - she’s not at this school anymore.  She revolted so hard that she escaped the narrative altogether.

Juri and Saionji have fights with Utena more or less as abbreviated versions of their antagonistic roles in the anime, but Miki abstains (because even in the anime he was never really committed to the bit the way the other henchmen were).  Then all three of them shift to being allies really quickly at the end of the movie, because while they may have been put into their old roles, the effect of the previous iteration remains, and the three of them can’t help but love Utena and root for her.

Utena takes her role as a duelist more confidently and assertively, and fights for it with a ferocity even her anime self couldn’t match.  But by the third act the story isn’t focused on her so much anymore - because Utena already broke one cycle, and it’s not her job to break this one’s.

It’s Anthy’s.

In the anime, all these cycles revolved around Anthy, and specifically the abuse and exploitation she received at the hands of, well, pretty much everyone who isn’t Utena.  And Anthy was fairly passive in accepting it, feeling as if she had no choice but to follow her role in the cycle of things... until Utena broke the world.

Now, in this movie, in the world where Akio is dead to begin with an no longer in charge, Anthy is immediately more proactive than she was before. She tries to warn Utena away from becoming a duelist, is far more openly romantic in her interactions with Utena, and in the third act, it’s Anthy who is our focal character as she tries to escape the cycle.

Utena goes and does what she did in the anime - she opens the door that no one else could open, the one that allows her to revolutionize the world.  In doing so she breaks tradition and repeat the cycle - and leave it for Anthy to break.

And here’s where this theory of mine gets REALLY stupid!  Ready?

Utena being turned into a car?  It’s part of this.  It’s the APEX of this.

A car is a machine with wheels - a machine whose parts revolve over and over, never leaving their position in their constant movement.  But it’s also a machine that helps you leave where you where.  It is revolution as an endless cycle AND revolution as a way to break through and leave behind the world you knew.  Utena’s life could go either way - she could break the cycle, or become part of it.  But whichever she does, she can’t do alone.  She can’t escape...

...unless Anthy is behind the wheel.

Anthy drives Utena through everything that the machinery of this world can throw at her.  She beats Shiori, a character who was a minor antagonist in the show but becomes a major secondary antagonist here as she tries to steal Utena’s role in the narrative, only to be destroyed by her own stubborn refusal to change her patterns of cruel behavior.  Then other wheeled machines are sent after Anthy and Utena, and though the pair are worn down, Anthy redoubles her resolve and keeps going.

Akio’s ghost, for want of a better world, appears at the end - and has appeared a few times before that, for that matter - and tries to once again take control of this narrative, using a machine with giant revolving treads in an attempt to kill both Utena and Anthy.  But they perservere, breaking out of this world and all the expectations heaped upon them.  Though the car is reduced to a bare chassis and wheels, Utena and Anthy escape, free, no longer trapped in a world revolving and the cycles it used to keep people in line, and allowed to claim a life of their own choosing.

Utena escaped Akio’s world, and in Adolescence of Utena Anthy does the same, claiming her own agency and rescuing Utena just as Utena had rescued her.  And every other character who could have chosen the same does so.  The revolutions have ended, and the revolution has triumphed.

[canvas-madness-txc]

I've been listening to Alice of Human Sacrifice and thought Shakespeare:

Romeo and Juliet Specific Version

The feud is the dream:

1. It took over people's lives, and they died for it even though it was completely unnecessary

2. It "doesn't want to disappear," and the two families ingrained it into their kids' lives so much that it tool their children away from them

3. No one knows who/what caused the dream or the feud

1st Alice: Tybalt

This relies less on the tyrant and forest part but more on the sword/ fighting part. Tybalt's life was defined by the feud, hating Montagues and the like. He crosses the line once he kills Mercutio and is killed himself in an act of revenge. Many reduce him to a clear-cut villain, and he's pretty much forgotten about the day he dies when Lord Capulet decides to make Juliet's wedding plans. ("Still her life remains a mystery, 'till this very day"). There's a lot of depth in his character that is often looked over because the feud was such a large part of who he was that it is the first and often only part people remember about him.

2nd Alice: Romeo

Romeo speaks very poeticly, and his words have been well known for centuries. A lot of it is sweet, but there is such a dark undertone when you he's not going to survive this and that he probably would have if life in Verona didn't suck. Also, roses are mentioned a lot in the 2nd Alice verses, and Romeo is compared to a rose in the balcony. Shakespeare wrote him as a tame and emotional boy. "Madness" ends up overtaking him when he realizes Juliet is "dead" because he had very little tenderness in his life, and one of the only things he had was taken away from him. So he kills himself, not knowing the truth. He was loved by Juliet, and we are told has a good reputation but is left for dead because it was easier for Verona to put him in a cycle of violence than to let him be happy with the girl he loved.

3rd Alice: Juliet

Juliet is first described as a lovely, obedient girl by her parents. While she isn't nobility per se, she is from an influential family and is being arranged/ forced into a marriage with a count. She doesn't want it and is "lost" for what to do because she's being used for a crazy dream. She is still clever and uses her image to her advantage, fooling her parents into thinking she will comply only to go behind their backs. It doesn't work in the end, though. Juliet is afraid to die in Act 5 but does it anyway because it was easier for her to break out. She was once an innocent girl but now a corpse who had to die in order to break out of the society that was "grand" but did not serve her anything good.

Fourth Alice: Mercutio and Paris

These two are the exception to the other Alice's. Mercutio and Paris are from Prince Escalus's family; the song calls the Ace of Hearts the Trump Card (the most powerful), which can be symbolism that they're part of the most powerful family in Verona. They're not supposed to be there. The prince wanted his family to remain neutral, but the two of them ended up taking sides anyway: Mercutio with the Montagues and Paris with the Capulets. Being of the prince's family, they would have known how ridiculous the feud actually was ("the nature of the true Alice at hand"), but they were also trapped in it. Their goals didn't really involve the feud: Mercutio hanging out with his friends (who happen to be Montagues) and Paris getting married to a girl (who happened to be a Capulet). They both die for a cause that wasn't supposed to involve them and remain stuck in it ("both will never wake up from the dream that they had planned/ forever they'll wander hopelessly through Wonderland").

[metaoflocasol]

Breakdown

TW: Anxiety attack, past trauma, mild violence, angst, Cheshire Cat slander

“Get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head-”, Meta was curled up into a tight ball against a tree, above, the grinning outline of a sinister smile disappeared into the air with a pop. He kept repeating these same words, head tight in his hair as he rocked slowly back and forth.

He had separated from the main group, looking for Pyro, who had flown off somewhere. He knew she would come back eventually, but he had a bad feeling about the Hatter’s house, and wanted to keep her close by.

He wasn’t crying; not yet, anyhow. He had tried his best to stay strong throughout this whole ordeal. Waking up falling into a world past the bonds of time, traversing a completely new land from a children’s story he never heard of from centuries ago. Someone had to keep their wits about them, and if it had to be him, so be it, it was something he was good at. It had been going well. Honestly, he doubted he could’ve gotten this far on his own, no matter what came out of his magic bag. But, he, Pyro, and the rest of their group had done it without much of a hitch. Facing trial after trial, they fell into a complicated rhythm.

However, this place seemed to be tailored specifically to drive him crazy. Essences of his home, the mushrooms, the wacky day/night cycle, the strange creatures, the giant plants. All of it reminded him of home in a sick, twisted way. He saw silhouettes of people he thought he recognized, but faded away before he could take a closer look. It was truly maddening…

The grinning face reemerged, whispering something that any outsider couldn’t understand. Something about birds and fire. Completely normal to any outsider with knowledge of Talonflame, but not to Meta. Flinching and curling in tighter, Meta start genuinely crying from stress and panic. Seemingly reliving a traumatizing event. The first tears in years finally flowing down a doll-like face that was so unfamiliar to him, yet undeniably him. He wanted to rip it off so bad in that moment.

The grinning faced materialized into a purple and pink cat, and continued to torment Meta, until something hit it. A burning ember, faster than lightning, hit the cat, knocking it back, fur singed. Hissing in fear, the cat, still smiling, glared to the sudden arrival. A mass of swirling embers glowing fiercely orange, fire crackling as the shape of a tail swung back and forth, ready to strike. Hands the size tree trunks stretched out menacingly, ready to burn the cat if it dared approached. Mouth open, it let out a mighty roar, cinders that made up it’s body expanding, increase it’s size to nearly the size of a small house.

Normally the cat, smug and arrogant, would challenge such a beast, but it had something no other being in this mad world could claim:

Competence

It manage to hurt him, the first time since that fateful day in March. It was furious on behalf of another. It was willing to defend someone even at the risk of injury.

No, this wasn’t a fight he was going to pick. Laughing crazily, it vanished from the tail up, finally disappearing with a pop.

Seeing the threat properly disposed of, the flaming creature shrunk down again, cinder packing together into a more solid shape. She approached Meta, and lowering her flames, pressed her face to his. It didn’t burn like one would think, more of a warm, if not slightly uncomfortable buzz that evaporated his tears.

He wrapped his arms around her as he wept freely, the gravity of their situation finally getting to him. The slight pain grounded him back to reality, and let him think clearly. He was lost in a world he didn’t understand; with rules made from the fact that there are no rules. Things in this world knew how to break a person, how to reduce them to a crumbling mess on the floor. But he wasn’t alone.

A warm tail wrapped around him as Pyro started to let out a strange purr, a purr that sounded like fire crackling in a center hearth. Arms not connected to a body also wrapped around him, warming up his shaking body.

A few minutes past like this, I til Meta had finally calmed down. “Thanks,” he told the fireball, “I needed that much more than I thought. We’ll get through this, together!”

Hearing her trainer regain his confidence, she circled around him happily as he retraced his footsteps back to the rest of the group.

“I’m glad you’re here with me, Pyro”

[starlight-time-machine]

Week in Review

02/04/2024 – 02/10/2024

Sunday

Manga Sunday time. Okay.

Girl Meets Rock good. Surprisingly considered character writing, and the possible aroace rep is fun.

Undead Unluck good.

Dandadan good.

Magilumiere good.

One Piece good.

Cipher Academy… I love this manga so much that it’s hard to sufficiently express the depth of my affection. I love the story, I love the writing, I love the characters, I love the designs, I love the art, I love everything about Cipher Academy. While I’m miserable at it coming to a somewhat untimely end, I’m grateful that I was able to read this masterpiece every week, because sometimes it was truly the only thing that kept me going. Even though its puzzles were truly nigh-impossible to solve, the heartfelt emotional core of the manga shone through clearly in its story and characters. I love Iroha as a protagonist – he may seem weak, and he’s gone through unthinkable things, but he still has the strength to learn and grow and reach for his unreachable ideals while inspiring others along the way. I love Toshusai’s intimidating aura and hardheaded beliefs that hide her pure desire to have friends and call each other cute nicknames. I love Kogoe’s mad scientist schtick and her One Point Lessons and her catchphrase and how even though she tries to come across as a cool and unhinged scientist, she can still be caught off guard and act more like a regular teenage girl. I love Tayutan’s emotionless puppy-dog retainer role and her fierce loyalty to Toshusai and her purposefully holding back all the time so as to not hurt people and her deep loneliness because of that and I love her twilight eyes. I love Yukako’s butch design and how seriously she takes things even if it’s a dance battle. I love Enchan’s moe sleeves and how she can be cute and cool at the same time and while she may seem naïve, the way she saw through to Iroha’s heart and vowed to support him was so amazing. I love Anon’s mysterious and morally ambiguous motivations and wily nature and how she constantly breaks the fourth wall and while seeing her get bullied was fun, it was even more fun to see moments of sincerity from her. I love Yosaimura’s protagonist aura and natural charisma and that one panel where she’s scaring the daylights out of Kogoe and how she’s always looking out for the interests of the group in terms of morale and cooperative harmony. I love Byu’s gun eyebrows and how she likes to hide under tables. I love Cipher Academy. This story and its characters will live on in my heart for a long, long time.

Monday

The new Undead Unluck was fun. When I see those hyper-detailed close ups on eyes, I know I’m in for a decently directed episode. I love how Billy’s plan was partially foiled by him not taking into consideration how Tatiana would still like him enough to attack him when Unjustice’d.

Finally read through the ending of Perilous Journey and I feel genuinely emotionally moved… Stewart has done such an excellent job of giving each kid their moments and subtle conclusions to their character arcs. From Kate mastering the regurgitation trick and her general physical prowess and her choice to step away from the cycle of violence to Constance accepting and utilising her precognition, to Sticky overcoming his shame with strength and resilience, and to Reynie finally believing in Mr. Benedict and realizing that his disillusionment with humankind is a disservice to its inherent goodness…this is so good. But indeed, it’s extremely perilous, and the stakes have been raised significantly since the last book. S.Q. is also a really tragic figure to me…seeing Mr. Benedict manipulate his kind nature was so chilling and sad. I know exactly what he means when he says he’s dealt a blow to the best part of S.Q., and I too hope he recovers instead of delving further into hatred. Overall, what a wonderful adventure book. I only give scores to books on my bookshelf, so this one gets a strong 8/10.

I’ve gotta get through my library books before I return them on Friday so I tried reading The Plentiful Darkness by Heather Kassner, but the writing style felt so uptight and purple prosey that it turned me off right away, so that’s going to be a pass from me.

Next up was Thin Air by Michelle Paver, which I picked up after reading and thoroughly enjoying her other ghost story, Dark Matter. And the similarities between the two are definitely striking – slightly pathetic male protagonists running from the world by traversing the limits of the Earth, forming bonds with dogs, light touches of repressed homoerotic feelings (?? I can’t believe she did this twice LOL I respect her so much for that), etc. While I liked the setting of Dark Matter more and its slowly encroaching dread and isolation (versus Thin Air’s constant threat of physical danger), I do like the setup of the complicated relationship between Thin Air’s protagonist and his brother, and it’s refreshing to get full blown conversations and arguments. The brother relationship is the emotional crux of this novel, and I thought it was genuinely compelling and filled with the realistic contradictions of love and hate between siblings (the part when they were digging the ice caves…when Stephen talked about how no one else remembers the things from their childhood and no one else would call him that nickname again…). But of course, it all led to the expected conclusion…I can’t help but feel that Paver just wrote the same book again lol I mean, it’s still a satisfying arc to watch play out, but it’s just lost a bit of the surprise factor. But I quite like her writing style and how she instilled dread through the vivid and careful descriptions of the mountain and the characters’ surroundings, and the part with the rucksack seemingly slowly inching its way towards Stephen was wonderfully horrible, as was the truth about what happened to Ward. I’m just glad to have read another adult fiction book that I enjoyed. (What I’ve realized is that a lot of contemporary popular fiction is just about characters being introspective or talking to other characters and not doing a whole lot…and what I want is an actual story where things happen and characters go on a journey or adventure…which is difficult to find outside of fantasy or sci-fi. Why can’t they write books about adults going on puzzle solving adventures too…)

Tuesday

I tried reading Press Reset by Jason Schreier, but after the first chapter I realized I wasn’t as interested in video game industry history as I thought I was (especially when I didn’t recognize or care about most of the games being mentioned here). And also it felt like the same old story – big conglomerates screwing over workers just to make their bottom line a little better. It’s especially depressing to read this when we’re only a month into 2024 and there’s already been over 1000 layoffs in the gaming industry and talk of an incoming crash, so I didn’t feel like reading any further.

Wednesday

The last book I have from my library haul is The Name of This Book is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch, which is the first of another book series from my childhood. As a kid I loved the meta writing and the “kids solving puzzles and going on an adventure with interesting artifacts” formula, and as an adult I still enjoy it, but I can see the places where the book is somewhat lacking. There’s no real impetus to the kids deciding to head out on this adventure, since what happened to the magician was so vague, but I get the feeling the author just wanted to get the ball rolling so whatever. I like Cassandra and Max-Ernest’s personalities and quirkiness and I like how unique and memorable their respective living situations are (surprise gay grandparents??? I can’t believe I didn’t remember this, or I guess I didn’t clock it as a kid. And Max-Ernest’s half-and-half gimmick is fun).

Thursday

It’s DunMesh Thursday, and today I’ve made 汽水肉 (too lumpy, should’ve added more tapioca starch) and fried hash browns (they fell apart in the oil…should’ve added more flour and made them thicker…). In contrast to my bad cooking, though, the episode was super duper good. This was one of my favourite chapters from the manga, as it featured Chilchuck, my favourite character, trying to get through a conundrum by himself. I loved all the squishy and wiggly animation, I loved the direction, I loved the voice acting (Chilchuck’s voice through the ages, Marcille asking him how old he is, Laios info-dumping about mimics…), god everything was just so perfect and fun and funny.

Finished reading The Name of This Book is Secret and it was just alright. I just feel like there was never any real incentive for the kids to do all these things – like, I didn’t get invested in Cass’s guilt over Benjamin and I don’t buy that Cass and Max-Ernest are such close friends when they’ve only talked to each other for like five scenes. And then it was hard to buy that Cass was a hardcore survivalist when she goes into the Midnight Sun with absolutely zero planning or foresight. The whole adventure arc just felt weird, and I wish the singular puzzle in the Midnight Sun was more naturally integrated (why on earth would this secret passageway built in an evil villain’s lair have a helpful riddle for you to figure out the passcode). And then the kids getting these cool rewards at the end just felt so unearned… I’ll read the rest of the series, but it’s sad that this ended up in the Baccalario camp rather than the Stewart one.

Friday

Drag Race Friday yayyyyyy I’m so tired of Plane Jane because her “arc” feels like it was manufactured in a lab to get screentime and I hate it. The main challenge was fun, though, and it was nice to just see the girls in the workroom chatting with each other for a majority of the episode. Personally I would’ve put Nymphia’s look in the top over Dawn’s, but I’m also fine with her taking a safe placing because I feel like it doesn’t do well to stand out too much at the front end of the competition.

Satuday

After thinking about it for a bit, I think I’m obligated to induct harmoe as a whole into the STM awards because I love literally every single one of their singles and albums and songs. As my friend and I always say, harmoe never misses.

Other than that, it’s Chinese New Year so all I did was lie around and eat snacks.

[bloodiisms]

It almost soothed him, to know there were people out there who'd chosen peace over vengeance, kindness over violence. There was a part of him that envied them for being strong enough to possibly break the cycle, for stopping the wheel so to say. He'd been all but rage and violence at that point, mad with hatred for what they'd did to him, all raging fire and death. To know they'd made sure to get to a better place was.. inspiring, yet unsettling. Jae-Seong wasn't there yet, not by a long shot. "I'm not quite there yet," he tensed his jaw and looked towards Mina. "Out of your control?" again, another information he was keen to explore. "I've had to give myself that control, through blind rage, actually. Interesting," to be so different but plagued with similar struggles. It's the way they handled the pain, however. Kill them with kindness seemed like an interesting concept. Aeri... "You don't let them control you by staying positive? By staying true to yourself?"

it's always a curious thing to them, seeing other people's assumptions of mina's life simply because she chose to give people the benefit of the doubt, choosing kindness over anger. little did they know that she lived with an angry man in her house, with chaotic magic at his fingertips that he never let himself use until he was out of control to use it. mina had been on the other hand of it, witnessing it, feeling it. mina felt grief for years before their father's death. it had been a weight off their shoulders when he died, but mina never had the heart to think too much on that. he didn't come back as a ghost. she didn't think that he would. maybe that was his gift to them. "no," she smiles. "it's taken over a hundred of years to get to this point." she uses her finger to make the straw turn in small little circles and smiles to herself. she loved magic. "do you?" they say, an eyebrow lifted with a small smile. "hm." she says, "most of my entire being is out of my control, actually." seeing things that are painful, feeling things that are painful, "my control extends to what goodness i can offer."

[jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue]

Our little love part 2 - mafia/yandere au Drabble {angst + fluff}

As always please let me know what you think, I am actually going to go to bed now my brain is angry with me for not sleeping.

It seemed the cycle was never ending, you fucking up and pissing them off, them punishing you by drowning you in their love, only letting you come up to breathe so you could swim in your own guilt and submit to them.

You wince as the victim to your latest fuck up gets another blow to his chest. Taehyung and Hobi held onto his arms as Jungkook and Jimin kick and punch the poor individual. You know not to speak, it’ll only make things worse. Temperament was a fickle thing in their lives, trust was everything, and you still had to build yours up again.

“Y/n help please,” Kai whimpers as you stood with your arms crossed looking away.

“Don’t fucking say her name,” Jungkook growled before punching your ex colleague in the face. You’re frowning, the need to beg them to stop was fighting for exit on the top of your tongue, but you bite it down and pray Kai doesn’t say another word. You know if you do as he asks they’d kill him. Your punishment was to watch silently.

Yoongi strolls up behind you, hands in his pockets before he rests his head on your shoulder, watching the display in front of you both.

“Nothing to say little love?” He whispers as your friend groans out in pain.

Please don’t kill him, you want to say, but you just shake your head in defeat. You want to believe they’re better than this, but the evidence of the contrary was never hidden from you. They showed you every side of them whether proud of it or not with bold eyes daring you to stop loving them, pushing your boundaries and morals waiting for you to snap. But the breaking point never came, you loved them, you shouldn’t and you knew it, but you did. You were completely and utterly theirs, yet still they treated you like you hadn’t seen the worst of them. Like you would run away the second you realised they were monsters, not that they would let you run far, only far enough to let you take a single breath before making you drown in them once again.

Yoongi wraps his arms around your waist, keeping an eye on your reactions. The asshole deserved it, not that they cared either way, he tried to take you away from them, that was enough.

Kai was your old partner before you took a very early retirement, what you didn’t know was that he continued the case you were working on before you left; the case of the seven men you now loved and the reason you quit said job. He had called you to meet up for old times sake and you, very naively in Yoongi’s mind, decided it was harmless. But if it was harmless why didn’t you say anything to the boys? You thought Kai didn’t know the reason you handed in your resignation, but he had been keeping an eye on you all before he realised you were the key to their downfall. He knew you harboured some feeling for him in the past and thought you’d reciprocate when he tried to flirt his way into getting his hands on the evidence you collected, he didnt know you burned it all. You lied to him and said you lost it, same difference anyway. This prompted plan b from him.

“Y/n they’re criminals,” he had said to you. “You’re a cop at heart you can’t love them.”

You floundered at his words when you realised he knew, and yet he still asked you to betray them.

“Kai I think I need to go...”

It was a mistake, you knew it then, but he followed you out onto the street and you hoped tonight the men you loved weren’t keeping an eye on you. Maybe naive was an understatement.

“Are they coercing you Y/n! Do they have something on you or are they threatening you?” He calls after you. “Because the Y/n I know would never love killers, what have they done to you?”

It was when he reached his hand out to grab your arm that your boyfriends decided to show themselves from the shadows. Which lead to the situation now, Kai beat up and bruised beyond recognition, and you forced to watch. He falls unconscious and they let him drop to the floor, you hate this side of them, it was cruel and cold but you’d never leave. They turn to face you now, their anger still present despite the last hour of releasing it onto your old partner. They don’t miss the way you’re shaking, the shallow breaths as you try and keep your tears to yourself. As much as you hate their violence, you hate their disappointment in you more.

——————————————————————————

You’re sitting in Joonie’s lap for what you call the debriefing of your punishment, this happened way too often in your opinion. You look down but he wasn’t having it today, tilting your head to look at him by your chin.

“Why did you get punished today little love?” He starts the same way as usual.

“I went out without telling you guys where I was going or who with,” you say while fiddling with your fingers out of nervous habit.

“And?” Hobi sits across from you in a chair, legs straddling the back and an elbow rested on top with his fist holding up his face. Hobi was hardest to pacify, he was ruthless and unforgiving and while that didn’t extend to you, you still had a hard time with his stubborn anger.

“I met up with Kai, and I let him touch me,” you’ve done this too many times before to not know how it worked. Kai’s ‘touch’ obviously meant nothing to you but for them it was the worst crime anyone could commit against their little love.

You remember the time you nearly tripped in the park and a guy steadied you politely, but you still had to hold Jungkook back from throwing hands.

“Kookie would you rather I fell and hurt myself?” No he hadn’t wanted that so he grumbled in agreement still seething but you cooled it down. “Instead of hitting him maybe you should thank him,” it was a joke but it made the youngest scoff.

“Baby girl why can’t you just be good?” Namjoon’s sigh brings you back to the present. “Why do you always have to test us like this?”

You didn’t mean to, you want to say it but the words are stuck below the sob in your throat. You actually whimper as his tone, bottom lip wobbling pathetically. He hadn’t even told you off properly, but you already felt like a mess as he bathed you in his disappointment. That was the common consequence of your actions and you hated it, you couldn’t do anything right.

——————————————————————————

“Jin do you need help with the food?” You ask your eldest boyfriend politely, he was frowning and you thought it was because today’s meal was too much for him to handle alone, his tone of voice made you realise it was because of you.

“No, I’m alright,” he doesn’t look at you as he speaks and you’re left gaping at him like a fish. Jin loved it when you cooked with him, it was your bonding time without the others, although Yoongi would join you from time to time. The others also tried but Jin wouldn’t let them anywhere near the kitchen, they hogged you enough anyway.

You feel your soul deflate, still standing there as he ignored you.

“Are you mad at me too?”

The way you said it made his heart twinge with guilt, but the others were right you wouldn’t learn and your first betrayal was still fresh on their minds. He sighs and you turn away, refusing to crying in front of them for the tenth time that day. What was wrong with you? Ever since that day where they found out who you really were you felt like you werent enough anymore, you tried so hard to make up for it all but you kept messing up. You weren’t like this before, but after seeing the hurt you put them through you were constantly on edge and second guessing yourself. You wish you could go back and stop them from ever finding out.

Jin hears the sniffle as you walk away and he can’t go through with it.

“Wait little love,” he calls for you. “I forgot to cut the onions, would you mind?”

You shake your head, you didn’t mind, but you didn’t trust your voice to answer for you. Youre grateful to Jin for giving you this task, it hides the fact you’re crying, but you know he doesn’t miss it.

——————————————————————————

Jimin and Taehyung were giving you narrowed stern gazes through dinner, it put you off your food which resulted in getting told off by Jin just after he branched out to you in the kitchen.

You felt alone, like the seven men you loved were against you and there was no one to blame but yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly before getting up and removing yourself from the dinner table and dining room, ignoring all of their stares. You decide maybe an early night is best, you could start again fresh tomorrow. You don’t get too far up the stairs before a hand pulls you back, you turn to see Jimin with Tae a few steps behind him.

You’re so used to seeing them laugh and play around that it feels like you’re looking at different people. Even during missions or gun fights, the youngest three were always joking their way through the bloodshed, keeping scores of who got the most headshots and other grotesque games. You remember the time Jimin and Tae called you during he middle of a shoot out, arguing with you and each other over who you loved more out of the two while you begged them to not get shot or killed.

“Why did you go see him Y/n?” Jimin asked, he wore the demeanour he used for enemies and it takes you back to that night.

“I... h-he said he wanted to see me to catch up,” you explain but you know it’ll fall on deaf ears.

“And you thought that was a good idea, to see your old cop buddy?” His tone makes you feel stupid, you weren’t stupid.

“He was my friend Jimin,” you say in disbelief, you know in the end it was a mistake but at the time it didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world.

“You’re ours,” Taehyung moved forward, towering over you even though he’s a step below you. His face is close to your own, eyes burning into yours as he looks disgusted at the words that left your mouth as if they’re still attached to you. “How do you think we felt when you went to see another detective? Do you have any idea what was going through our heads?”

“Tae I love you,” you lean away from him, searching his face for a hint of softness and love in his gaze, but there was only fire. “You know I wouldn’t, you all know I wouldn’t, I left that life for you why would I turn back to it?”

He stalks away from you without a word, Jimin close behind, giving you a final cold glance before leaving you alone. You thought your love could make them better but if anything you made their darkness worse.

——————————————————————————

Jungkook needed to vent, the only way he knew how was physically. Obviously it wasn’t the cleverest thing he’s done, taking rounds with the punching bag only to open up the cuts on his hand from beating the bastard earlier. He mutters a few curse words under his breath, why did you make matters worse? Maybe they were being harsh on you before today, finding any excuse to punish you a little, test your boundaries and see if you would run, but today they honestly feared that was what happened. They thought you chose to leave them and go back to the life you had before them, but they’d never let you go, they couldn’t let you go. Despite everything you loved them and they worshipped the ground you walked on. You were everything for them now, there’s be no point to any of them without you. Why didn’t you understand that?

He throws another punch to the bag, spreading his blood across them, it hurt like hell, but the thought of you running back to your old partner still played on all of their minds. He wanted to cry, he wanted to find you and beg you to never leave them, they’d be nothing without you.

There’s a knock on the door and he finds you on the other side, waiting for permission to come in. You never waited for permission, it makes him frown, maybe they were too harsh on you today. He could see you shuffling your weight, insecurity screaming through your eyes, you feared his rejection more than his anger.

He notices the first aid kit in your hand, you must’ve heard him. He doesn’t let the fluttering in his chest reach his face as he sits on the bench, waiting for you to come to him.

His gaze is expectant, daring you to cross the threshold and face him, you were no coward, you didn’t fear them the way others did, why were you behaving so meekly now? You force yourself to move and sit beside him, setting the kit down and pushing your hair back behind your ears. He doesn’t move his gaze away from you, even with the sweat and hair hanging in front of his face.

You carefully take a his hand into yours, sucking air between your teeth at how injured it was.

“I’m sorry you hurt yourself because of me,” you say, eyes on his bloodied knuckle as you press the ointment against the open wounds. “Are you sure you want me to stay, I keep hurting you...”

You try to sound like you’re joking, that you’re okay and the hurt isn’t weighing you down with your doubts. He frowns, they really did take it too far. He sets down the cotton wool from your grasp, taking both of hands into his before kissing each finger delicately without letting you look away.

“You’re perfect little love,” Jungkook says, reassuring you with no question in his voice. “We’re the ones who don’t deserve you, we’re mean and cruel but we’re never letting you go.”

You remember how loving they were before that night, maybe while they accepted the truth at face value they could never really forgive you in their hearts. Maybe that’s why they were being like this, they didn’t love you the same way anymore.

“Do you love me?” You had to know, the doubt was eating you alive.

He looks at you as if you’re insane, maybe you are, you don’t know anymore.

“Little love, don’t you see how much we love you?” He asks sincerely. “We would do anything for that love even if it made you hate us, you belong with us, and no one is going to take you away.”

You could see the crazed look in his face grow as he spoke, you believed him, the honestly worn like a heart on a sleeve. But his answer bought a wave clarity to your hazed vision, you made them like this, you made them worse, you had to leave.