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mariacallous · 4 months ago

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A month after Franklin D. Roosevelt won the 1940 presidential election, he called for legislation to ramp up military aid to countries fighting Nazi Germany. Congress passed the Lend-Lease Act in March 1941. Within months, Britain and the Soviet Union were pounding Adolf Hitler’s forces with U.S. weapons and other equipment.

Now that Americans have voted to return Donald Trump to the White House, the situation risks flipping into reverse: After Jan. 20, 2025, the United States may abandon its European allies to Russian leader Vladimir Putin’s fascist war machine.

During his campaign, Trump said he will “not give a penny to Ukraine.” Part of his plan to end the war “in one day” is that he would “tell [Ukrainian President Volodymyr] Zelensky, no more. You got to make a deal.” But if Russia is allowed to conquer and subjugate Ukraine, it would only be a matter of which democracy gets colonized next by a neighboring dictatorship: Poland, the Baltic States, Moldova, or Taiwan.

Thus, over the next 75 days, Congress and the Biden administration face an urgent historic mission to help Ukraine get as many weapons as possible before a possible withdrawal of U.S. support.

U.S. President Joe Biden has directed the Defense Department to draw down all remaining Ukrainian security aid that Congress has appropriated by the end of his term. It’s not clear if the Pentagon could supply much more weaponry than that by Inauguration Day, even if it received additional funding from Congress.

Instead, the way to promptly fund more arms is to bankroll Ukrainian procurement of U.S. weapons. Specifically, Biden should request, and Congress should pass, another supplemental funding bill on a similar scale as the one in April, which included $60.8 billion for Ukraine. The new supplemental should authorize the administration to spend any amount of the aid—up to the full amount—to cut a massive check to the Ukrainian government with the stipulation that Ukraine use the funds to purchase U.S.-made weapons.

Sending Ukraine $60 billion to spend on weapons would be entirely consistent with the strategy that the Biden administration had been preparing in case of a Trump win. One of Biden’s main initiatives has been to push the G-7 to give $50 billion in frozen Russian assets to Ukraine, deliberately structuring the transfer to get out the door before Jan. 20 so that Trump cannot stop it. Biden originally wanted to seize and give to Kyiv all $300 billion of Russia’s frozen money, but the Europeans could not be convinced. The administration has also shown its willingness to throw U.S. budgetary resources into the mix: When the $50 billion was blocked by the Hungarian government, the White House engineered a clever way of guaranteeing the money through the Treasury Department and the U.S. Agency for International Development.

The key political challenge, however, could be getting House Speaker Mike Johnson to support this legislation during the lame duck period, when he will probably be preparing to run for another term as speaker. This may require some hardball maneuvering by some of the many pro-Ukraine Republicans in the House. It would be much easier, of course, if Trump quietly goes along with it, like he did with the last supplemental.

The United States would not be the first government to fund Ukrainian arms procurement. Denmark paved the way this year with a grant that finances contracts between Ukraine and defense manufacturers. Denmark and Ukraine developed a transparent set of financial controls that include factory site visits, validation of delivery, and auditing processes. All sides regard this pilot program as so successful that other allies are pulling out their checkbooks to join in on the action.

Americans’ tax dollars would be safely held by the most credibly reformed and reputably led wing of the Ukrainian Defense Ministry: the defense procurement agency. In the early weeks of the full-scale invasion, when Russian forces were bearing down on Kyiv and heavy Western weapons hadn’t yet arrived, Ukraine’s desperate Defense Ministry called up illicit intermediaries, begging them to help buy up old stocks of Soviet-type munitions on the notoriously opaque and fragmented international arms market. But over the following months, as Western aid started flowing, Ukraine’s strategy shifted to building a clean, transparent pipeline for buying weapons straight from producers.

Established in August 2022, the defense procurement agency is now run by Maryna Bezrukova, a seasoned reformer who previously cleaned up procurement at Ukraine’s national electricity company. To be her deputy, Bezrukova hired Ukraine’s most reputably independent corruption investigator: Artem Sytnyk, the former head of the state National Anti-Corruption Bureau. With these sheriffs in town, the surest way for even the most powerful Ukrainians to go to jail is to try to corruptly make money off weapons acquisitions.

Under this reformist leadership, the defense procurement agency is aggressively cutting out intermediaries by contracting directly with arms manufacturers. The clearest sign of success is that excluded arms dealers and their cronies are attacking Bezrukova with threatening messages, smear campaigns, and doxing on Telegram. Most recently, these intermediaries tried to sideline Bezrukova by getting Ukrainian Defense Minister Rustem Umerov to merge her agency into another one—and fire her in the process. That announcement triggered such strong pushback by NATO and Ukrainian civil society that the minister canceled the planned reorganization. Instead, with support from Ukraine’s allies, the ministry formed a new supervisory board of reputable experts to oversee the procurement agency.

Any U.S. legislation that funds weapons contracts arranged by Ukraine’s defense procurement agency should come with one additional condition: Before Kyiv receives any money, it must enact legislation mandating the existence of the agency, safeguarding the independence of its supervisory board, and most importantly, prohibiting the defense minister from firing the agency head without a concurring decision by the supervisory board.

Beyond the strategic benefits, this approach could create jobs for Americans during Trump’s second term, largely in states that voted for him. Unlike military aid provided by Europe or allocated by NATO, U.S. funding would come right back home: to Northrop Grumman’s gun truck production line in Arizona, General Dynamics’ artillery shell facility in Texas, Raytheon’s missile factory in Alabama, and Lockheed Martin’s F-16 plant in South Carolina.

To prevent the Trump administration from using executive authority to block the export of weapons procured by Ukraine under the program, Congress should insert one exemption to the Buy American requirement: If the U.S. government ends up blocking exports, Ukraine would be free to redirect the funds to non-U.S. arms manufacturers.

Just as vital as the original Lend-Lease Act, this legislation could be called the Buy American Weapons Act. And it would keep the United States on the right side of history against the imperial armies that are once again on the march.

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vividfae · 2 months ago

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Why I'm No Longer With The Foundation

Recently, I posted an announcement on my channel page & Bluesky account that I was no longer going to be associating with Zena & Poppy's Foundation Server, effective immediately.

Initially, I wanted this to be left private. I view the way certain ex-members of the Foundation to have acted as utterly pointless & cruel. Whether it be through their use & weaponization of Kiwifarms, a site known for it's danger against members of the trans community, their targeted harassment of Zena, Poppy, & myself, their use of rape apologist talking points to invalidate & litigate the experiences of two people who suffered from some form of sexual assault, or their use of stigmatizing rhetoric against mental health disorders to make fun of suicidality, I find their methods to be incredibly problematic, harmful, & increasingly reckless.

Ultimately, my goal was to ensure I didn't become the exact people I have spent the last year & a half taking psychic damage from.

And after the last 6 months, I finally understand why they did it.

You see, as I have been writing & rewriting this post, both in text & in my head, I asked myself three questions:

Will this accomplish anything?

What are my motivations?

Will this cause more harm than it prevents?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are not answers I like. While my ultimate motivations are to provide people with the ability to make an informed decision about their online spaces, I began to realize the underlying motivation was much more sinister...

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

So while I do want to ensure people are making the best decisions they can, this is not some selfless post designed to save anyone. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this post is the rage fueled machine angrily spitting those good intentions all the way down into the seventh circle. I don't like the person the last two years have turned me into, but I also cannot & will not be bullied into silence for fear of sinking to their level.

As to the answers to the other two questions, I can only once again answer in ways that I do not like. This post will not reach Zena & Poppy's audience, nor will it give them or their closest friends pause to introspect. It will not prevent any measurable harm & I suspect will only be boosted by the exact people I feel have caused the most damage to myself, my (current & former) friends, & my former lovers.

So why? Why do this? Clearly I am an abusive monster dedicated to joining the campaign against Zena & Poppy whose only goal is to hurt them like they hurt me.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is the last time I will ever publicly speak about Zena & Poppy. I have not & will never reach out to any of the aforementioned people who have been turning their grievances into some content farm. I will never be publishing anything more than the following account.

If I find out that you have contributed to these efforts, you will be banned from my community. I will not be allowing any negative talk about Zena, Poppy, or the Foundation on any of my social media platforms or in my Discord server. This is a zero tolerance policy. And I understand that this assurance will never be enough to them. I will forever, by virtue of this post, be grouped in with all of the worst of the worst, indistinguishable in their eyes to the person that plastered their home address, deadnames, and employment information online. I will not fight this characterization, because I refuse to let my image be dictated by them any longer. I know the person I am, & those that actually treat me with good faith will too.

In January 2024, I published a document going in depth into the surrounding reasons why I made a suicide attempt the previous May & the fallout of that attempt on my social circle. In March 2024 I published a video on YouTube going over that document in depth, relitigating the story & adding context that was absent. I stand by both.

My suicide attempt was entirely mishandled by my social circle at the time & had a higher than average possibility of making crucial mistakes that could have led to a much worse, more final outcome. I'm not going to go over the details again, you can watch that video if you so please, but this is not a retraction of my reflection on those events.

This is a reflection on events preceding & following that video's existence. But I haven't yet really explained the main premise I began with, why I split with the Foundation.

In April 2024, I finally got bottom surgery, something I'd desired for so long. I had an amazing experience with the hospital & surgical staff I went to, who were also the same staff that performed Poppy's gender affirming surgeries. In fact, if it weren't for Poppy & Zena recommending them to me, I might still be waiting for surgery, as Indiana is woefully lacking in access to gender affirming surgery & wait times are high. I stayed with Zena & Poppy the night before the surgery. They assisted me with surgical prep, Zena took me to the hospital & waited with my family as they wheeled me back, & the two visited me in recovery several times, spending time with me to ensure I wasn't alone & giving my family space to rest.

When I was discharged, they visited me on my birthday at the place I was staying a week later, & when I was finally able to handle the drive I visited them. It was honestly really special. While I missed them & it was hard being so close but not being able to see them more frequently, I knew that they were there & they messaged me every day to make sure I knew they were thinking of me. Eventually I went home for a few weeks as I healed, & the distance was hard but they were still there.

In June I stayed at their place as I went in for facial feminization surgery through the same hospital. My mom & sister got me there and the night I stayed in the hospital, Poppy stayed overnight to make sure I didn't wake up alone, as she had after her same surgery. She'd had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia & waking up alone sent her into a crisis, something she was extremely afraid would happen to me. It was a really sweet gesture, & hearing her voice as I woke from the drug induced sleep made me feel safe & cared for. She kissed me as soon as I was conscious & even though she left not long after as she still had clients to see, I felt so secure & like I knew the time alone would be okay. I would be okay.

Around this time I met Audrey, my current girlfriend. Audrey had shared a really thoughtful post detailing why she was supportive of Zena, Poppy, & I. It was concise & heartfelt, & I really appreciated the sentiment. I reached out to her in DMs to thank her for the support, & eventually we began just talking. In the middle of June I returned home. Zena & Poppy both began reaching out less, but they were dealing with the process of moving, which takes a lot of time. I got back to work, began returning to normal day to day life, & by the end of July Audrey & I were speaking daily, & Zena & Poppy & I were having much less communication, but again, all during a move, chronic illness flare-ups, & Poppy's workload increasing.

In September I visited Zena & Poppy, taking a week of vacation from work, with the plan to do something for Zena's birthday as I had not been able to see them IRL in August as I had been able to spend time with them & Poppy on Poppy's birthday in June. Unfortunately, that week the weather made it difficult for us to do much of anything. It was too cloudy, rainy, & cold to really do anything of interest outside, & the weather left all of us suffering from migraines every day. That week, at least 2 of the 3 of us were completely non functioning due to a migraine at some point throughout the week. For myself, it was nearly 5 of the 7 days.

A few weeks would go by & I'd visit again for another follow up appointment with my surgeons. Poppy was much more distant this time around, & we tried to make the most of the time together but she had little time outside of working. The day that I left their place would be the last time I would hear from Poppy in an individual one on one capacity until her final text message to me a few weeks ago.

By mid November, the distance between us, physical & emotional, was readily apparent.

I reached out when I could, tried to initiate contact, but it was not uncommon to go days at a time without so much as a response from them. A rift formed, half based around my own BPD fueled insecurity & half based around the genuine feeling that something wasn't working. I asked for a conversation with them, to try & work through things, but conflicts & lack of time prevented us. Between all of our chronic health issues, my full time job, & Poppy's full time job, no one was capable of making time for us.

The week of Thanksgiving, the conversation finally happened, initiated by Zena. It was incredibly messy & none of us were open to listening to each other. We were so focused on justifying our own behavior or lack of emotional availability that we had no space to hear anything the other was saying. Moreover, our justifications were self defeating & rigid, with no flexibility to even try with each other. Poppy, & one of her alters, lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. Zena tried to calm us both down but ultimately became frustrated with the situation entirely.

Eventually it hit me that nothing was working.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "Nothing is working, I don't know what to do to fix this." Zena asked what I meant by this. "None of this is fucking working." My voice was louder this time, not quite yelling but definitely above normal volume. There was a mixture of grief & desperation there.

"I need a break." Zena then asked for clarification on what I meant. I said, "I need a break. From this, from all of it. From the relationship, from this conversation, from everything. I can't do this anymore, it isn't working." Everything went quiet.

"A break is fine," Poppy says after a few seconds of silence.

Immediately the tone shifts in a way that is still difficult to describe. Not exactly in a positive way, or a negative way, but certainly not in a neutral way either. Zena agrees that a break is best, & reaffirms that they still want me to be around them. That the relationship status changing doesn't negate their care for me. They expressed a desire for me to still visit them in a couple of weeks when my next follow-up appointment was scheduled, though I said that I didn't know if I'd feel comfortable because I might still be hurting.

The conversation winds down, we exit the call, & I spend the rest of the night in tears.

About a week or so later, after remaining numb for a couple days, grieving for a few more, and a very tough therapy session, I decided to speak with Audrey about the elephant in the room.

We had a very long conversation that night. About how we felt about each other. About the breakup. About our worries with the possibility of a relationship. Her concerns for my mental well-being. My concerns that I was using her to simply rebound. So many topics were touched upon that night. Ultimately our relationship came upon as a mutual agreement. We would try, in spite of my fears of the distance & of me recreating the patterns a codependent relationship she'd recently gotten out of, we would try. The conversation then turned more specific. We discussed our needs, asked for certain things from the other, & established some pretty clear boundaries & definitions on what poly meant for us. She was up front about a person with whom she was flirting with & was unclear about the possibility of a relationship with. It was... A breath of fresh air to be honest.

Given all of this, what I want to say is that the reason things ended is because of our lack of emotional availability to each other & our incompatibility with each other's needs. But that wouldn't be fully true. It's part of the reason, it was the main catalyst. But it isn't the reason.

In May of 2023 I attempted to take my own life. As I mentioned previously, I went over why in a previous post & YouTube video. The details of that are less important than the timing (with one exception, we'll get to it).

About a month prior to this, Poppy & Zena began dating this woman, Hela. Hela had been a viewer of their channel for a long time, claiming to have been subscribed since before 100 subscribers. She was a patron on their Patreon, & came into the inner circle from having been an active commenter & financial supporter of their streams. Hela had been in the inner circle for months up to this point, & had been incredibly flirtatious with Poppy & Zena from the get go. This is not unusual, as people can have flirtatious personalities without necessarily being interested in a relationship. However, when Poppy & Zena began dating Hela, this was something that I was unaware of. I was not made aware of the breadth of their interest in her, I was not made aware of their intentions to fly her out to their place, & I did not find out that the three dating was something that was on the table until after the fact, & I didn't even directly hear it from them, but due to an off handed comment made in a voice call by one of them.

This obviously sent me spiraling & I got angry, feeling as though I hadn't been communicated with well enough. Which I hadn't. This spun into an argument that in retrospect never really got resolved, only buried, as two weeks later Zena would break up with me, & about two weeks after that I would attempt suicide & go into the hospital.

During these events, Poppy had been flirting with Milena, a woman who joined the server in early 2023 as a viewer & patron, who later volunteered to do video editing for them. To my knowledge, the flirting had been going on for a couple of months by the time the events with Hela occurred. I was also unaware of this until after Poppy began dating Milena, something that was also communicated with me indirectly, right around the week of my attempt.

While I was in the hospital, Hela was flown to their place. When Zena & Poppy called me, I could hear her in the background, & I think she may have sent me well wishes directly once. I suppressed the intense boiling jealousy & reactions I was feeling. There was something inherently weird about calling your psych ward inpatient girlfriend while your other partner whose relationship had previously created conflict with was just... there. Like, reasonably, I know that there's no other way this could have played out. The tickets were bought a month prior. It isn't like they could just pretend she wasn't there. But the intrusive thoughts kept swirling around. I'm fairly certain the intense reactions I had after getting off the phone led to me being kept an extra day out of caution. My mood swings, reclusiveness, & dissociative state led the staff there to keep a watch on me much more closely after every call with them.

I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. I'm poly. This is normal, right? I'm being unreasonable. I need to let it go.

A bit after I got out of the hospital, Poppy's relationship with Milena exploded. She began dating a woman who went by Windlebee online not long after this. I found this out through Twitter. I stayed silent this time. It wasn't worth it. Last time I reacted to the lack of communication, it ended up with me being broken up with & fighting heavily over it, & I was still traumatized from the attempt & everything around it, so I swallowed up all of it & ignored it. This is just how poly is.

Not long after, I visited to help Zena & Poppy while Poppy was in the hospital for bottom surgery. I helped with house chores, feeding & walking the dog, being there to help when Zena was non functional due to chronic illnesses, & visiting Poppy while she recovered. It was around this time that Milena published her first twitter thread, & Hela broke up with the two of them.

About a month or so later, I was asked on a date by a guy I had been chatting with. We had been talking off and on for a while, he was attractive & acted pretty sweet, & I wasn't sure how I felt about him so I figured a date wouldn't hurt. If I didn't really feel anything, I could simply just tell him this, hopefully no hard feelings, right?

I'd mentioned him to Poppy & Zena a few weeks before when I was visiting them. Told them that he was talking to me & we had been flirting but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the situation. They seemed ambivalent at the time, so I didn't think anything of it.

Admittedly, I did not communicate the existence of the date to them. They found out through a mutual friend because of an off handed comment. This was my mistake, & so when an argument came of this event, I was willing to apologize for the lack in communication. What surprised me though, is that this was not the main concerns that were had.

You see, the guy had been a viewer of mine for a while, & had supported my Patreon for a few months. It was happenstance that we began interacting as he wasn't hugely vocal in my stream chat, but we got to know each other afterwards anyway.

This was problem number one.

Dating viewers was an abuse of power and exposed me & by proxy them to potentially highly parasocial behavior, they explained. And since he'd been in the server, it was a conflict of interest, they continued. How could I be so reckless & stupid?

What's more, dating a cis man? "I can't believe you would do this, let alone for a cis man," Poppy said to me, tears welling as she said it. I had never seen her so angry, & her voice rose the more she spoke. This was problem number two.

Problem number three was that he was a patron of mine. It was a huge indication of parasociality & I should have known better.

Now, as it turned out, the guy did display a lot of weird parasocial traits that I had overlooked. There were also some other things about him that I couldn't reconcile with that I won't put here, but this conflict, however hurt I initially felt from Poppy's words, did prevent me from making a mistake. I should be grateful.

It would be a few weeks later that I would visit Poppy & Zena again for a week. I hadn't even been at their place for long when I was informed that Poppy was going to be going on a date with some woman named Hayleigh. This had apparently already been scheduled & she had been talking with her for a while, & this was the first I was hearing of it. I was livid, but what was I to do? I'm sitting in her bed on the first night of a trip to visit her & Zena so we could spend time with each other as partners, & I'm told 'oh btw I got a date tonight with this girl I've been talking to for a while, be back in a few hours.' I could have started an argument, & I very nearly did. But I suppressed it. I'm fucking poly, this is how it works, remember?

Not long after, Poppy informed me of a person she'd met online that lived near them, Allison. They were friends & Poppy was helping get her in to the same surgeon who did our surgeries. As far as was communicated, the most was that i needed to know she existed because there was some attraction she felt but there wasn't any active plans to pursue that.

A couple weeks later, I was visiting the two again & while we were getting ready to go to an appointment I had, I overheard from the other room a comment by Poppy that the two of them needed to "clean up the toys from where we played with Allison the other night."

What?

I was furious. Not only had the breadth of interest not been informed but I had no idea that Zena was interested in this person at all, only that Poppy had expressed some attraction. Intimacy was never ever put on the table, what the fuck do you mean you played with Allison? I blew up at them in a way I hadn't expressed anger in years. I'm not proud of it at all, but I was going on pure reactive energy at that point, there was no active reasoning left.

I left their place to go to my appointment alone. They left to visit someone while I was out, & were still gone when I got back. I laid on their bed, shaking in anger & fear of being replaced. When they got back, they scolded me for reacting the way that I did & reaffirmed that this is just how poly works & I needed to stop letting jealousy guide my reactions. Maybe they were right. I mean, if you're attracted to someone & going to be in a relationship with them, intimacy is part of relationships. How could I be so stupid?

Fast forward to April of 2024. By this point Hayleigh, Allison, & Windlebee have all come & gone. I was about two weeks out from bottom surgery. I was in a voice chat with a few friends & Zena, & Poppy suddenly appears.

"Who has two thumbs & just got her pussy ate? This gal," she says within seconds of joining. I feel a circuit short in my head. She did not just say that. We'd already talked about not sharing intimate details of her sex life around me, as it caused intrusive thoughts to pop up. She knew better as this is literally a boundary of hers as well. I DM'd her reminding her of this & noting that I don't appreciate her sharing this stuff, as even if I am dating Zena as well, their sex life is theirs when it doesn't involve me, & it still hits the same triggers. I note that if this was just a joke however, I'd let it slide since a joke is a joke even if I was still uncomfortable.

This is where I learn that it wasn't a joke, & it wasn't about Zena.

I will not identify the name of this person as they were never online, we will just call them Katie.

I learn in this interaction that Poppy had been on a date with Katie, a person that I was just now learning even existed, & that the two of them had in fact had sex on this date. Poppy had been on one date with Katie previously & specifically chose not to tell me because she didn't know how she felt about them & wasn't sure if she needed to tell me given that. She did, however, know how she felt after the first date & told me that she knew going into the second that it was always planned to be a sexual one. She was afraid to tell me because she was afraid I would be hurt.

So instead of communicating with me, you cheated on me instead? All because you were afraid that I, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder characterized by intense emotional reactions & attachment issues, might have an intense reaction to the knowledge of another partner? Of course I would have had an intense reaction. I'd get over it after like an hour, as I did with every other fucking partner.

She apologized profusely to me. She never made excuses. She promised she would be much more open about communicating in the future, especially if sex was ever on the table. I forgave her. I never forgot, but I chose to forgive her, as I was sympathetic to the position she was in as someone who also suffers from Borderline, & because she did apologize & I knew from previous moments that she was capable & willing to change behavior when it was brought up to her.

Katie would break up with Poppy not long after this, for really stupid reasons, but nonetheless it is worth noting.

At the beginning of August last year, Audrey asked me on a date. I accepted, as I didn't know fully how I felt about her, & a date wouldn't hurt. If I figured out more from it, then I would reassess & talk to Zena & Poppy before making any commitments.

The date went really well. They are incredibly sweet & funny & in getting to know them better, I found out we had a lot in common. I still didn't fully know how I felt about her, but I knew there were feelings there that were far more than just friendship.

Now, I should have communicated the date to them from the start. At this point, all of us were making the same stupid mistakes over & over again & refusing to draw lines.

Poppy & Zena found out about the date from an off handed comment by a mutual friend, & this caused a blowout fight. I regret not communicating, & I apologized for it. But that didn't matter.

I ruined Zena's birthday because of this. We were going to be doing a watch party of a movie that Zena wanted to watch as a late birthday event, & it was as I was waiting on them to show up to do so that this fight began.

How could I be so stupid? Dating a person who was on the server was a conflict of interest. Audrey was a viewer of both of our content, so she was clearly acting parasocial. Not to mention that since she was in the inner circle, it changed the dynamic & removed the ability for me to control the environment by which partners might meet, which very clearly made the relationship problematic.

Of course, there was no relationship. I even told Audrey a couple of weeks later that I couldn't date her because of the distance between us & I still didn't fully understand all of my feelings. I could tell that she was hurt by this, but she took it with such grace & continued to be my friend even afterward.

In the aftermath of this argument with Zena & Poppy, I spiraled hard. I was convinced things were over. I was suicidal, & upon learning this, Audrey reached out to Zena & Poppy to give them the information so they could ensure I was safe.

Zena snapped at them for doing this. Telling Audrey that they were not my keeper & not responsible for my mental state & could not be expected to be the only thing preventing me from hurting myself. On top of also accusing Audrey of only pretending to care about me in this way because she wanted to date me.

Pepper directly told Audrey that the reason why Poppy lashed out so hard was because she had a crush on Audrey & had been trying to pursue her, & Audrey falling for me instead of her made Poppy feel rejected & hurt.

Luckily, my friend Ghost was able to reach out to my parents to ensure I was safe, but the entire interaction left a bad taste in Audrey's mouth. She, however, did not tell me these things right away, as she did not want to potentially make the crisis worse nor did she want to be seen as trying to meddle in my relationships. Instead, she just sat back & supported me, being there as a friend to all of us, & letting things start to repair.

At the September visit, I directly told Poppy & Zena that I had no active plans to pursue Audrey romantically, as I was concerned about distance & wasn't sure of the strength of my own feelings, but I did note that I did have feelings for her. I would relay this to Audrey after arriving home from that trip.

For a while after, Audrey began to distance from me. As she did, I began to distance from her as well, as I felt abandoned & guilty for treating her like shit throughout this entire situation.

There was another crisis that ended up reconnecting us, & it was through that when I began to realize how strong my feelings were becoming.

As I was deliberating on informing Zena & Poppy, Poppy informed me of her intentions to fly out her friend in January 2025, where they were going to do a test run on a relationship. This didn't set right with me, as I had only learned of this person's existence recently, & then was told that the trip had already been planned before I knew of them, & I admittedly reacted pretty harshly to this information. During this conversation, I did inform them of my feelings for Audrey, stating that I didn't know what I wanted to do about them, which was accurate to how I felt.

I shouldn't have informed them during an argument, that was a mistake on my part. My anger, however I still feel was warranted. At this point, it is about a week & a half before the breakup.

A newly formed alter of mine left the foundation after this argument happened, & when I woke up & saw that this occurred, it was my choice to remain out of the server until our system had calmed her down so she wouldn't interfere again.

Around Christmas, I am told that Zena & Poppy have found out about the relationship between Audrey & I, & this is the final straw. They blow up at Audrey, accusing her of pretending to care about me "to get [her] dick wet" as well as accusing her of being sent to the Foundation by me to seek information to send to Milena, which is just fucking insane. Both of us are blocked on all platforms, & I receive a message from Poppy calling me abusive, accusing me of cheating on her, & accusing me of planning to doxx her.

A week later, Zena & Poppy forced Ghost to make a choice between being in my channel discord server or being a mod in the Foundation. When Ghost decided the logical solution to this was to just stop being a mod to ease the conflict, the two forced a loyalty test onto them & forced them to choose between my server or their friendship. This caused conflict between Ghost, Audrey, & I, as Audrey & I felt that Ghost was capitulating to exercises of control because Zena & Poppy wanted to punish me.

Ghost & I patched this up quickly enough, & they chose to rejoin my server, telling Zena & Poppy that they are staying out of the conflict & will no longer be doing anything that takes sides in it.

In response, Zena & Poppy banned them from the server, & then commanded the same loyalty test to anyone who was close to me save for one, & so far all have passed with flying colors.

This is why I'm no longer with the Foundation.

Because I dared to express autonomy, demand equity, & be treated with dignity.

Because I spent the last year & a half defending their behavior, only to have the exact behavior weaponized against me as evidence of being an abuser, all for refusing to continue to just take it.

Because I stayed silent during all of the times that they screamed at each other so loudly you could hear them from the bottom floor of the building.

Or the times that they got physical & raised hands at or shoved each other.

Or the times I was used in arguments between them, & then treated as if I'd picked a side when I hadn't.

Or the myriad of times in which Poppy weaponized the language of her profession as a way to control any argument & invalidate everyone around her.

Or the times when Zena would scream at Poppy & I for not reading their mind & then accuse us of gaslighting them for pointing that out.

I stayed quiet. And I shouldn't have.

With this, I have said my peace.

#zena and poppy #zenaandpoppy #poppyandzena #poppy and zena #saigealexis #saige alexis #zenaandpoppyonyt #saigealexisonyt #saigealexis10 #zena #poppy #saige #vividfae #vividfaegarden #zenaandpoppyonyoutube #saigealexisonyoutube

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theconstitutionisgayculture · 10 days ago

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In a 2017 interview with Republika, a newspaper in Macedonia, former Macedonian Prime Minister Nikola Gruevski said Soros had "decisive influence" over his country's politics via "a monopoly in the NGO sector." "If they need a so-called colorful revolution, then they do it through NGOs with money," lamented Gruevski, then-leader of the country's conservative VMRO-DPMNE party until his resignation, which was brought about by the 2016 color revolution. "Soros has turned the NGOs in Macedonia into a modern army," Gruevski told Republika. In this culture war waged against the perceived enemy, the ex-PM explained, the "Soros-owned media" would malign their political opponents and brew "a myriad of alleged scandals to your name" as a way to sway public opinion. As Gruevski indicated, any pushback was met with contempt. Laura Silber, chief communications officer of the Open Society Foundations, reportedly condemned "illiberal governments" in the Balkans for opposing Soros NGOs. Under the guise of "democratic reform," these USAID-partnered cogs of the Soros cultural imperialism machine organized youth movements, created influential media outlets, and coordinated widespread, often violent, protests in the streets. According to grant records, in 2016, USAID awarded a $9.5 million contract to the East-West Management Institute (EWMI), a Soros-funded nonprofit that focuses on "restructuring" former Soviet states in central and eastern Europe. EWMI implemented this multi-million-dollar program, known as USAID's Civic Engagement Project (CEP), in partnership with the Foundation Open Society–Macedonia (FOSM), a local Skopje appendage of the sprawling Open Society Foundations network founded by Soros. Through the seven-year project, which centered on constructing a "multi-ethnic democracy rooted in the respect and protection of all," USAID North Macedonia sought to increase "youth engagement" in the political process. According to a USAID-sponsored EWMI newsletter documenting the Civil Engagement Project's progress, the program dispensed rapid response "voter education" grants ahead of the 2018 name-change referendum, which ultimately paved the path to North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) membership. In order to reach "marginalized" voters, grant recipients included the Association for Promotion and Development of an Inclusive Society (INKLUZIVA) and the Union "National Council for Gender Equality." Macedonia resolving a longstanding dispute with Greece was a condition for admittance into NATO. Greece stood firm on blocking Macedonia's membership and the beginning of European Union accession talks unless Macedonia changed its name, seen on both sides as an issue of national identity. The name change and its implications were so unpopular that the Soros-funded Institute for Democracy Societas Civilis-Skopje, an Open Society Foundations policy research partner, commissioned conflicting polls, courtesy of USAID, claiming that only 33 percent of Macedonians were categorically against compromising with Greece over Macedonia's name. However, when a referendum was held on the matter, many Macedonians boycotted it and voter turnout failed to reach the 50 percent threshold required to validate the results. Conservatives proclaimed victory since the proposal should have been rejected by virtue of the low turnout. But because it was non-binding, the reigning liberal government declared that the turnout requirement was irrelevant and proceeded anyway to rename the ex-Yugoslav republic, now "North Macedonia." As for the USAID contractor East-West Management Institute, it is deeply intertwined with Soros finances. A now-deleted 2011 financial report said EWMI received "loans [...] of up to $1,000,000" from the Soros Economic Development Fund.

This is just a small section of the article, which goes into a lot more detail about everything Soros did through USAID funding his NGOs. Anyone who thinks George Soros is a conspiracy theory is an idiot.

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leiascully · 2 years ago

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Ficlet: Highways and Backroads

Just a little ficlet thinking about Memento Mori.

Scully gazed at the image of her brain. How strange it was to see inside her own head, despite the hundreds of scans she'd seen before. How strange it was to see the mass and know it for the ill omen it was. Not just a shadow or a smudge: the specter of death, approaching slowly.

She had lain in the machine and thought about Mulder. She could lie still and think of Mulder. Fanciful thoughts, only half-related to the matter at hand. It wasn't an fMRI; she couldn't see the parts of her mind that lit up when she thought of him. Instead she thought about how similar they would seem, scans of her brain and Mulder's: one image blurred and one pristine, but otherwise nearly indistinguishable. The eggshell skull, the grey matter within.

It wouldn't show the truth of them, she thought. Her mind, tidy as a highway map, on ramps and off ramps at regular intervals. Nevermind how many of them ended in dead ends or wilderness - she'd tried to block those off. But Mulder's mind was like a county highway, winding through woods and little towns. The scenic route. She never knew what would be around the next corner: a brilliant shaft of sunlight illuminating a field of wildflowers or a sasquatch browsing among the ruins of a homestead or a strange little town where the diner coffee was a religious experience. The world's biggest ball of yarn, maybe. A cabin with creaking floors where gravity was supposedly reversed. Something new each day revealed itself in the winding backroads of his thoughts.

She loved traveling the road of his mind. It took her to such interesting places. She loved the actual roads they drove to get to the small towns where magic was still rumored to happen. They had wound through the woods and up the mountains in a hundred anonymous cars, chasing stories. Even if she didn't believe in the Mothman, she could see the appeal of the story. Once upon a time, we were important. Once upon a time, the wilderness took a form like ours. We feared it. We loved it. It showed us the truth of ourselves.

She still believed she had paved the only path that would have brought her to where she'd wanted to go. The physics department, the medical school, the FBI Academy had all been full of men who only saw past her stature and her tits when she could prove she was more rational than any of them, more measured, less tied to all the earthy wisdom that Missy loved. She didn't have the liberty to leap to conclusions; she had to document every step of her journey from one idea to the next, mile markers assuring her mentors that she wasn't going to veer into feminine foolishness.

Still, all of it had brought her here, to a white room with fluorescent lights, facing the silhouette of her own mortality on the horizon. Perhaps all roads led to this particular Rome: to the hospital, to the mortuary.

She would have to tell Mulder. He would refuse: the shadow she knew to be a tumor would be reduced under his critical gaze to a sunspot or someone's malicious thought. He would take her down a different path, a track traced through the wilderness, to some unforeseen happy ending.

He would be wrong. But she would enjoy the journey.

#my fic #leiascully fic #cancer arc

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caltropspress · 9 months ago

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DISPATCHES FROM 2ND ST. STUDIOS: Fatboi Sharif & DRIVEBY in session

I went to DRIVEBY’s apartment in Jersey City because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of documenting musical exxxprrrimentation, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I knew witnessing Fatboi Sharif in the studio would be morbidly rewarding—I felt it in my critik’s skull-and-crossbones (memento mori, pirate flag, poison pictogram). It was New Year’s Day in the year of our Lord Have Mercy 2024, and I had to pull myself away from a tree documentary that had, sadly, begun to disappoint. I had opened a stocking-stuffed box of Goobers and was reluctant when Sharif sent the invitational text. I had settled in for the night. But it was my idea to watch the man work his black magikal esoterika hammer-don’t-hurt-them-witches recording session, so I’d be a real punk to rebuff the offer. I got into the Toyota and headed down Route 3 toward Jersey City. I was on the 1&9 in no time—the truest highway to hell, if one ever existed. Ate de Jong could never scout such a location. AC/DC roadside appliance wasteland. Potholes pave the way, but in a De Nah Soul manner. I finished eating the Goobers in the car, by the palmful, and lost one to an erratic lane merge. I motherfucked and shitted at the thought of a chocolate stain on my upholstered driver’s seat, or worse, the seat of my pants. My dad delivered Blimpie’s for thirty-plus years in Jersey City, long before it became Brooklyn-of-the-West, so I know parking spots there are at a never-dream-of-’em premium. I parked several blocks away from DRIVEBY’s studio and cloven-hoofed it while huffing brick air. Texted from outside, but Sharif was already ushering me through a wrought-iron gate (suitable for guttings and impalements) and into the basement apartment: DRIVEBY’s 2nd St. Studios. That gate was like an entrance into a secret garden—overblown and overflowin’ with a riot of root rot, weeds, and (of course) crumbling-but-still-grumbling gargoyles, most with the medieval motif of mooning jutting out from the church buttresses. DRIVEBY’s had a William Shatner’s TekWorld comic next to his speaker. Dusty keyboards lined the floor. Sega Genesis cartridges, a Sharp boombox, and the requisite vinyl collection on bowing crates completed the scene. The space stored antiquated and dead media—ghost machines humming and haunting.

⤧

Sharif told me he’d be recording some tracks for his upcoming album with Blockhead, something for Bigg Jus, and several features. When I arrived, he was in the middle of recording one of the Blockhead tracks. The mic and the iso shield were directly inside the door of the apartment, and I sat on the couch to the left of that. Sharif would be spitting at me, beyond me, as he did his thing—an intimate setting, to say the very least. Beans of Antipop Consortium sat on this same cushion months earlier, I thought. They recorded “Sex With the Leopard Print Lady” here. While I pondered the legacy of stylist berzerkers of past and present, Key & Peele played on the television in front of me. I wanted to make myself scarce, invisible as possible, Brundlefly-on-the-wall, non-participatory, so I watched the “Laron Can’t Laugh” sketch on mute and registered how Laron’s noiseless convulsions and eventual shriek expertly pantomimed Sharif’s vocals. These layers of silence allowed me to hear some of what Sharif was spewing forth and commit it to memory. He spoke of avenging the death of Candyman. The words loom like Tony Todd—tall as a ponderosa pine in a Cabrini-Green courtyard. Caroline crossed eyelids…90 degree pressure… Closing in on 400 degreez, but we’re talking below zero. The winter of our disconnected selves. Sharif tells DRIVEBY he wants his voice to sound “fucked up.” He’s snorting, super sinusy. He wants to cultivate a specific sound—it coats the inner concavities of his skull. He just needs to externalize it into a self-portrait in a convex DAW interface. “The soul establishes itself,” John Ashbery writes. Sharif is shoeless, I should add. He’s black socked as he cuts the song’s first of three adlib tracks. The first is completely muddled, barely audible—a grumbly grumble grumb. The second is a helium-huffed high pitch mania. The third, a yell—“the banshee,” as DRIVEBY calls it. Sharif slackens the headphone wires and walks across the room. He does “the banshee” from as great a distance as possible. You’ve no doubt heard the banshee adlib track before (B.A.T. for short, as in, the hematophagic vampire bat). If you’ve heard a Fatboi Sharif recording, you’ve likely heard a hotly desperate and deranged voice coming from the depths of a hellmouth—sinners swallowed and still writhing, quasi-alive, anticipating rigor mortis. DRIVEBY captures the natural reverb. Sharif asks him to put distortion and echo on the last word of the verse.

⤧

Fatboi Sharif was reading lyrics off his phone, but by then he was Loosifa loose—engaging me, inviting me to dialogue, reveling in the job. His feet are light and nimble, like McCarthy’s Judge. He says that he will never die. And, you bet, he dances in light and in shadow. He’s a craftsman and possesses an engineer’s ear, an ant-infested and severed one he probably plucked from a manicured lawn in Scotch Plains, NJ, Jeffrey Beaumont style. For the second verse of the song, he makes an alteration and decides to end the verse earlier than he had written it, stopping at the phrase “role model” because he likes the “swing of it.” Okay, Nuke Hellington. I see you, Benny Badman. A natural performer, the recording session reflects both technical know-how and impassioned delivery. He doesn’t quite lose himself as he does on the stage (or the audience floor where he so often ends up), but he’s unequivocally locked in, as he kids say. Locked in a room with padded walls, more apropos. On the next, he requires a seemingly endless run of retakes. I begin to wonder if my presence is a burden, a distraction. But the session keeps its devil-may-care air intact. Still, Sharif has a sonic vision he yearns to achieve. He won’t settle for less. He eventually gets the take he desires and tells DRIVEBY he’s gonna do three adlibs. These two men work in harmony to develop their songs of disharmony. They’ve been boys, and so that keeps the chemistry alchemical for the duration. Open and honest, DRIVEBY tells Sharif that three tracks of adlibs is “too many.” FUCK THAT! Sharif shouts at him. Sharif wants the adlibs to sound beneath everything—six-feet deep, or “buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways” (unexpressed emotions, that is), as Freud or a Freud-fraud once wrote. Sharif wants echoes. He wants to sound like he’s a signal coming in and out of the radio as you drive through the night. These are the requests he makes, delicately selected from his mental doom board as DRIVEBY adjusts the mix, adds effects. “Do you do a lot of vocal mixing on the spot?” I ask. Sharif shakes his head, points to DRIVEBY slumped over his computer monitor, clicking and dragging, random access memory maybe lagging: “He’s on his Bob Power shit.” Listening to the playback, Sharif tells me he wants to be like Joker in the children’s hospital scene. What kinda clown carries a fuckin’ gun?! I’m waiting for the next Sharif release, crossing my fingers into an arthritic mass of flesh and bone in hopes of his cover of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” appearing on the tracklist.

⤧

DRIVEBY puts Joker on the TV. It’s the bus scene; he can’t stop laughing. He hands a fellow passenger his card: Forgive my Laughter: I have a Condition. Sharif still sleeps to beats. He’s told this story numerous times to various media outlets, and so it’s beginning to take on the tone of lore. But it’s not. Even wilder, he’s not listening on headphones as he sleeps; he blasts the beats on speakers. Sharif prefers to record late, well into the wee hours of morning. DRIVEBY’s couch often becomes Sharif’s bed. “He’ll have the same beat on for five hours,” DRIVEBY explains. He’ll be in his bedroom, unable to sleep. Sharif grins and tells me, “That’s when I’m in the mindfuck.” Sharif reapproaches the mic. Another Blockhead track. “He told me he made this one especially for me,” Sharif says. The beat sounds like a Gregorian chant in a cavern. Beware of the Shroom Monster. Sharif has managed to amass an intimidating number of releases over the past several years while not indulging us to excess. He’s conservative with his run-times. Clocks ain’t shit to him. Many of his projects are EP-length, but categorizing them in any terms would seem to discredit his ingenuity. As the session unofficially ends and we settle into more casual conversation, Sharif implores DRIVEBY to play selections from their unreleased album, currently on ice like a corpse. I listen and hear of an exorcism of Antoinette, of Elvira and death resurrections, of Basquiat painting in Transylvania, crossroads, and plosive sonic samples from The Pagemaster—a film I have absolutely no recollection of but DRIVEBY speaks almost as highly of as his Fantastic Damage instrumental CD-R. OneShotOnce shows up, presumably for a session, but not before he and Sharif pillage DRIVEBY’s fridge. They feast on cold chicken while I gather myself to leave.

Images: Astronomical table detail from the Almanach Purpetuum of Abraham Zacuto (c. 1500)

#underground hip hop #backwoodz studioz #zines #fatboi sharif #driveby #recording

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theofficersacademy · 1 year ago

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Arval Sephiran Yuri Edelgard Nel Felix Jakob Kent Grima Ayra Veyle Lyn Diamant Sothe

TEAM TAG: #AOzayin2024 LOCATION: Lilium DURATION: First part Jan 1 - 5 (noon), Second part Jan 5 - 7 (midnight)

Led by a bishop of the church, you travel to some inconspicious place in the woods outside of the monastery. When he peels back the fabric of space, you shudder. It feels like discovering a viper's nest right below where you live. With no idea what will happen when you step through, you're as prepared as you'll ever be. One deep breath and in you go…

Explosions rend the air, barely louder than the screams that rise from all around you. Blearily, you blink understanding into your surroundings: a cloudless, aquamarine sky, massive chunks of rock and twisted metal strewn across the paved street, towering skeletons of buildings, their windows blown out, leaning precariously all around you, and bodies - some moving, many still, all of them battered and bloody. As the dust settles, flames lick up a wooden pole behind you - you think maybe faces had been carved or painted into it, but it burns too quickly for you to see, and then topples across the caved roof of a house. There it sputters and dies into a log of charcoal against the smooth, dark metal that makes up the building's sides.

Where are you?

Lilium. Home. The answer comes to you from nowhere.

Yes, home.

You rush to aid whoever you can. Women and children, some infants. Not a single grown man among them.

Who did this?

██████. Static.

"Help my child. Please," the old woman in your arms pleads up at you weakly, through bruised eyes and a mouthful of blood. She points to a mound of rubble and then goes limp.

WHAT YOU KNOW

You've found yourself in a city called Lilium, currently under siege by some unknown force. You haven't been able to catch a glimpse of the attackers yet, or managed to get any information out of the people who live here. It's all-hands-on deck trying to keep people alive, so there hasn't been any time to talk.

The majority of the population seems to be women, children, and the elderly. They don't have the means to fight back, and are grateful for your aid.

The architecture of the city is unusual but familiar at the same time, and you can't figure out what year it is. Some of the buildings appear to be similar in style to what you're used to seeing around Fódlan, especially in Enbarr, but other features appear to defy what you understand to be possible: self-lighting lamps, for example, metal automatons that move on their own, and magic-powered machines.

The city is separated into four blocks. Block A, situated toward the southwest, has sustained the most damage, and only one or two buildings still stand. The attack caught the city by surprise, so there may still be survivors under the rubble… it's just been too dangerous for anyone to get close. Block B, in the southeast, is hardly any better, but there were fewer people living here at the time of the attack. This is a factory district, so supplies and weaponry may be found within the destruction. Block C, in the northwest, is the location of the infirmary, and currently has too many injured people to fit in one building. Lastly Block D, in the northeast, has been largely untouched. Those still well enough to work have begun gathering supplies here to defend their home, and aim to set up a second infirmary in the event that the first infirmary must evacuate.

Your own weapons, while you remain fully equipped with what you brought with you from Garreg Mach, look like they've seen better days. Be careful with them, since once they break, you might not be able to repair them…

WHAT TO DO

Note: When you choose a task for your character, they will not be able to leave the block until the end of the week.

BLOCK A (Risk: High)

Fight back (max: 3 people per thread) — Each participant in the thread will roll D3 before starting. Ping Mod Ree for your enemies — Traditional combat. The thread is completed once one side has lost all HP

Search for survivors (max: 2 people per thread) — Roll D6 per post. Each full Heavy Armor rank grants an additional +1 to the roll 　　　･　if 1, rubble cannot be moved without help from your partner. Your turn makes no progress, and your partner must roll a 3 or higher on their turn to help. If partner has Backup, grants one reroll. 　　　･　if 2, you disrupt an avalanche of debris. Roll D10, where 6 or higher will allow you to evade. Every point of speed currently equipped on the character grants +1 to this roll. Failing to evade inflicts -2HP (subtract -1 for every point of defense currently equipped) on character instead, and partner must roll a 3 or higher on their turn to save them instead. 　　　･　if 3, 4, 5, or 6, you have a lead. Your partner must roll 3 or higher to add to your roll. Once the combined total equals 10, you have successfully uncovered a person. Rolling a 2, however, will reset your progress. 　　　･　When you rescue someone, roll D20. If 11 or higher, they will be alive. If 10 or lower, they will be dead. Each full Faith rank grants an additional +1 to the roll

BLOCK B (Risk: High)

Fortify defenses (max: 2 people per thread) — One character will fill sandbags, the other character will place them — To fill sandbag, roll 3D5 per post to determine score. The higher the better. — To place each sandbag, roll D10 per post to determine score. The higher the better. If sandbag score is 7 or lower, subtract 1 from placement roll. If sandbag score is 4 or lower, subtract 2 from placement roll. — At the end of the week, or when the thread ends, the total score for the structure will be calculated.

Search for supplies (max: 2 people per thread) — Roll D6 per post. Each full Heavy Armor rank grants an additional +1 to the roll 　　　･　if 1, rubble cannot be moved without help from your partner. Your turn makes no progress, and your partner must roll a 3 or higher on their turn to help. If partner has Backup, grants one reroll. 　　　･　if 2, you disrupt an avalanche of debris. Roll D10, where 6 or higher will allow you to evade. Every point of speed currently equipped on the character grants +1 to this roll. Failing to evade inflicts -2HP (subtract -1 for every point of defense currently equipped) on character instead, and partner must roll a 3 or higher on their turn to save them instead. 　　　･　if 3, 4, 5, or 6, you have a lead. Your partner must roll 3 or higher to add to your roll. Once the combined total equals 10, you have successfully found something. Rolling a 2, however, will reset your progress. 　　　･　When you find something, roll D10 to determine what it is. Be sure to carefully log what you find and the amount, because it may be useful to you later. Items can be used immediately by the person who found them, or saved for next week. 　　　･　1. Scrap metal 　　　･　2. Iron Weapon (randomize: Sword, Lance, Axe, Bow, Gauntlets) 　　　･　3. Energy Block (x1) 　　　･　4. Recovery Tincture (S) 　　　･　5. Medicine (x1) 　　　･　6. Steel Weapon (randomize: Sword, Lance, Axe, Bow, Gauntlets) 　　　･　7. Recovery Tincture (randomize: M or L) 　　　･　8. Medicine (x3) 　　　･　9. Energy Block (x3) 　　　･　10. Whetstone (x1) or Scrap metal (x3) (randomize)

BLOCK C (Risk: Medium)

Help the wounded (max: 2 people per thread, at least one must have healing spell) — Consume staff uses to heal the injured in the infirmary. Roll as if healing during combat, affected by character's equipped stats. — Remember that your staves have durability, and you may not be able to recover their uses

Create medicine (max: 2 people per thread) — The infirmary has a magic-powered machine that converts herbs and other ingredients into medicine concoctions unlike any you've ever seen before. However, it takes time and energy. — Roll D4 per post. — If 1, the machine breaks down. Roll another D4 to determine cause. 　　　･　1. Out of energy. Consume Energy Block to power up again (Current # of Energy Blocks: 5) 　　　･　2. Overheating. Roll D10 to attempt to cool it with water or ice magic. Rolling 6 or higher is success. Each full rank the character has in Reason adds +1 to the roll. 　　　･　3. Unsuitable ingredient. Remove the entire concoction and start over. 　　　･　4. Jammed machinery. Roll D10 to attempt to fix the parts. Rolling 6 or higher is success. Each point of Dexterity in the character's inventory adds +1 to the roll. — Gather 1 vial of medicine every 3 successful posts (unless machine breaks down due to unsuitable ingredients, then start over). It will be consumed immediately by the nurses aiding the injured, so this will not be added to your inventory.

BLOCK D (Risk: Low)

Clean out the building for the new infirmary (max: 3 people per thread, only one thread allowed for this task) — Posts do not require rolls. Every post counts as 1 point. This will be totaled at the end of the week.

IMPORTANT NOTES

This event will be mostly driven by players unless otherwise stated. You will have tasks to complete throughout the week, the results of which may hurt or harm you in the long run. Every decision you make will impact you in one way or other, so choose wisely.

Content of a thread should NOT be limited to the requirements of a task. For example, if you choose to move rubble, you are not limited to writing your character moving rubble. Post counts and rolls are here as a way to score your progress, but that's all they should be used for. Focus on building relationships with your teammates. A post will still count for moving rubble even if you never mention rubble in your post.

We encourage thread replies to be short and quick, but still interesting for you and your teammates. While we won't be disqualifying anyone for taking longer than a day or so to reply, Mod Ree will be making sure that all threads are moving at a regular pace. Players who stall their threads will be skipped without their input.

IC failure will still progress the narrative, so use every action or outcome to build your character's immersion in the plot.

Team Zayin's team document is linked here. Please use it to take notes, log task outcomes, and keep up with threads.

If you have any questions or need more information, ping Mod Ree.

#TOAApollyonOuranos2024 #AOzayin2024

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fatehbaz · 2 years ago

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[I]n the period of eerie suspension before the explosion [...], those who registered the [...] uncanny [...] experience[d] a condition that [...] would become familiar to everyone living in a targeted city during the Cold War: the sense that the present survival and flourishing of the city were simultaneously underwritten and radically threatened by its identity as a nuclear target. [...] [I]nhabitants of Cold War cities [...] became accustomed to a more overt and permanent variant of the uncanny frisson [...]. Lobbing incendiaries and explosives through the roofs and windows […], the British gunners gutted portions of the Dublin city center; during the week of the Rising, 500 people died […]. The more frequent and extreme outbreaks of traumatic violence in everyday urban life […], in the early-twentieth-century imaginary, the city had begun to host new forms of sudden mass death and severe physical destruction.

Cities had, of course, been sites of mass death before 1916.

But the Easter Rising differed from nineteenth-century urban barricade fighting in the use, principally by British soldiers, of more precise and destructive weapons; fired from the ground, from rooftops, and from gunships in the Liffey, the new cannons, incendiaries, and machine guns rapidly reduced whole blocks of the city center to ruins. These emerging military technologies and strategies link the Rising to the Great War then raging in England and on the Continent, whose fields and cities had become proving grounds for new weaponry and modes of warfare. In Ireland and the Great War, [...] “Like the Western Front [the Easter Rising] became a war of attrition, and the lessons of the Western Front were taught again in the streets of Dublin.” […]

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Though the shelling of Dublin in 1916 reminded observers of Ypres, Louvain, and other European cities ruined in the Great War, it might as credibly have called to mind a different list: Canton, Kagoshima, and Alexandria. During the second half of the nineteenth century, British naval bombardments made rubble of these coastal cities […].

The naval bombardment of undefended cities and civilians, particularly those in colonial territories, paved the way for the first airplane bombardments, in which the imperial powers of Europe dropped bombs on nonwhite, non-European adversaries and anticolonial forces.

Italy pioneered airplane bombardment in 1911 by bombing Arab oases outside Tripoli; British planes bombed Pathans in India in 1915, Egyptian revolutionaries and the Sultan of Farfur in 1916, a Mashud uprising on the Indian-Afghanistan border in 1917, and Somaliland and the Afghan cities of Dacca, Jalalabad, and Kabul in 1919.

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Several years before the inhabitants of European cities experienced it, aerial bombardment had been established as a uniquely colonial nightmare. [...] [T]he initial use of airplane bombs against colonies was foreseen and even fed by a racist fantasy pervading early-twentieth-century European science fiction, a fantasy of bombing subject races either into submission or out of existence. The willingness of several signatory nations to ignore Article 25 when bombing nonwhite soldiers and civilians made colonial towns and cities the first civilian spaces secured by the implied threat of bombardment from above.

In the world war […] the brief tenure of aerial bombardment as an exclusively colonial technique ended when imperial powers launched the first bombing campaigns against the cities of other imperial powers, initiating a change that would later find its apogee in the nuclear condition: the reconfiguration of the major metropolis as target.

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All text above by: Paul K. Saint-Amour. “Bombing and the Symptom: Traumatic Earliness and the Nuclear Uncanny.” Diacritics Volume 30, Number 4, Winter 2000, pp. 59-82. [Bold emphasis and some paragraph breaks/contractions added by me. Presented here for commentary, teaching, criticism.]

#today 29 april is anniversary of surrender and end of the easter rising in 1916 #tidalectics #ecologies #haunted #geographic imaginaries #archipelagic thinking

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everflowingriver · 11 months ago

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Blacklight 1: Renegade

A little something I wrote a while back. I like this one.

Renegade

The rain was harsh and cold; could he not have picked another night? It hardly mattered when his feet hit the alleyway's concrete paving, to which he caught the beat in his step again and kept running. The sirens were still blaring in his head when he dashed around corner after corner, just barely clinging to the bricks when he almost slipped and fell. The scathed and torn flesh on his hands barely caught his attention, when he heard it again; the light tapping of his pursuer.

Scoffing, Nick sped into a tunnel, one he had used before. It would stretch towards the other end of the block, where he could hitch a ride, or so he thought. A headache tore through his mind when he remembered where he had left his car: Too far away. He cursed under his breath as he jumped into the tunnel, closing the hatch behind himself and engaging the arbitrary lock.

Nick: "Damn it! Fuck, fuck, fuck-"

He fumbled with the phone he quickly pulled from his pocket, still jogging as he dialled his brother.

Nick: "Heyyyy, Al, would you mind?"

Alex: "Where are you? Dinner was an hour ago."

Nick: "Yeah, sorry I couldn't make it, I texted Thom-"

Alex: "Did you?"

Nick: "I didn't? Look, Al, I could really use a ride right now, quickly."

Alex: "Who are you running from?"

Nick: "You'll see when you get here.

Alex sounded a tired sigh, before audibly shrugging and loudly closing a cupboard.

Alex: "Address?"

Nick: "Raze Street- You know the spot."

Alex: "Figures. Sit tight."

Nick whispered a thank-you-made-apology, before turning his phone off, hoping that the call was not intercepted. Before long, he would make his way to the other side of the tunnel, where he turned around to face his flank- Empty. Good. His head on a swivel, he glanced over his shoulder as he backed up towards the exit. To his surprise, an electronic lock blocked the way.

"Fuck!" He hissed with fleeting breath, as he tried to make out who had placed it there; to which he frustratingly recognised the logo of ForeverTech, the largest engineering corp in town. "That is karma for you," he whispered to himself, a chuckle following when he felt the tumbling flash drive in his coat. These locks were notorious for their anti-tampering mechanisms, which had caught many an unsuspecting burglar, but Nick was not unsuspecting. Guess I'm stuck here until Al arrives, he thought to himself as he put his ear to the metal plating.

After only a few minutes, Nick could hear the revving of an engine he recognised. A smirk slipped onto his face as he reached into his pocket, where he found a lighter. He took a deep breath, before pulling his coat's hood over his head again and triggering the lighter, before holding the yellow flame underneath the lock. After a few moments, the lock disengaged and triggered a fire alarm. The sound made Nick's ears ring as every sprinkler in the building activated as well. A grunt tumbled off Nick's lips as he climbed out through the newly opened escape hatch, which would lead him back onto the streets.

He was relieved to find his brother's motorcycle there, where Alex held out a helmet for Nick to put on. Nick wasted no time and took the headgear, before slipping it over his face and lowering the visor. Maybe he had hoped that they would have a little more time, until the siren sounded again. It was a deafening, alien noise that escaped from the vents of the peacekeeper's ribbed armour. There was no call to halt, no warning of arrest; Nick knew that if they lingered just a moment longer, they would be torn to shreds by a rifle. "Kick it!" He shouted, to which Alex wasted not another moment.

Alex hit the gas for all it had, sending the machine into a screeching galop. Alex bobbed and weaved through the late night traffic, until they were far enough out of sight to catch their breath.

Nick: "Alex, I-"

Alex: "Check the damn bike for trackers."

Alex' commanding tone always could tear through any fabric, and Nick knew better than to fight him then, so he reared his head and started carefully checking the cycle's frame for tracking devices as they drove down the freeway.

Nick: "None on the back, but Alex-"

Alex: "I don't want to hear it. Not here. Now keep your head down, for Nòll's sake."

Nick did as he was asked and kept his gaze on his brother's back, as they drove all the way to the other side of town. Alex would not slow down one bit, until they left the freeway and pulled into the suburbs on the outskirts of Coredam. It would take no more than another minute or two for them to turn into the driveway of their childhood home, where the garage door responded to their arrival and opened up on its own. Alex carefully brought the bike to a halt and waited for Nick to get off, before doing the same. Nick removed his helmet and placed it on a workbench that stood by the wall. Alex was soon to follow, his deep blue eyes piercing the night as he sought eye contact with his brother, which Nick stubbornly denied.

Still, he said nothing as he nudged Nick out of the garage and had the door close behind them, before opening the home's front door and heading inside. Nick was the one to close the door this time, hesitant to hang up his coat in case he was still being kicked out. Alex had already left the hall and headed into the dining room, but Nick lingered for a moment, thinking of anything and everything he could say. After a few moments, he fixed his blond hair as much as he could and decided to hang up his coat anyway. After that, he headed after his brother, into the dining room where Alex was taking the dishes into the kitchen.

Alex stacked four dirty plates onto a clean one, before picking them up and leaving an empty table behind. Nick briefly checked the living room, yet could not see Thomas, the youngest, anywhere. He figured that Thom had simply gone to bed. Nick hesitated once more, before carefully following Alex into the kitchen, where the water was running. Alex was scrubbing the plates he had brought in just a few moments ago, glancing over his shoulder only briefly when Nick walked in.

Alex: "You're a mess."

Nick: "You love me when I'm a mess."

Alex scoffed, shaking his head as he stacked the now clean plates. He was nothing if not efficient.

Nick: "You still love me, right?"

Alex: "You stole from a corp. Again."

Nick: "You know as well as I do that-"

Alex: "I know what's at stake, which is exactly why I can't have you keep doing this, not when you live under this roof!"

That last part was what hurt Nick. He would have left, if he could.

Nick: "That's not fair and you know it."

Alex: "What's not fair is that you keep putting Thomas in danger. We had a deal."

Nick: "I haven't forgotten."

Alex: "Then act like it!"

The silence was deafening.

Alex: "Who is it for this time?"

Nick: "The Collective."

Alex: "You are running for those rats again?"

Nick: "They are not rats."

Alex: "They will just sell the damn thing to the Militia!"

Nick: "I would bloody hope so!"

Alex: "I can't believe that you're okay with that."

Nick: "Dad would have supported me."

Alex: "Yeah, well, if you keep this up you can ask him what he thinks of it."

Nick: "I'm going to bed."

Just as Nick started to turn around and leave, Alex grasped his arm tightly and yanked him back into the kitchen.

Alex: "There's nothing you can do. Let it go."

Nick: "Oh, that's right, you would know all about letting go, wouldn't you?"

Alex only responded with a frown, to which his grip weakened. Nick slipped out of his grasp and retreated into the darkness of the hallway, before heading down the stairs and into the basement.

Alex backed up to stand against the counter, where he rested his hands in his lap as he leaned back a bit. He looked out through the kitchen window to see the burning tower in the distance, knowing what there was still to come; knowing that Nick hardly knew at all.

#writeblr #writers of tumblr #writerscommunity #writing #original character #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #short story #fiction #scifi #dystopia

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raytonblockmachinery · 2 years ago

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Construction industry block-making machines has advanced significantly, revolutionising the way blocks are made. The development of block-making machinery has completely changed how blocks are produced, from conventional manual methods to cutting-edge automated systems. Visit us for more information.

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shemsuji432 · 1 year ago

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Tips for the Best Way to Learn Python from Scratch to Pro

Python, often regarded as one of the most beginner-friendly programming languages, offers an excellent entry point for those looking to embark on a coding journey. Whether you aspire to become a Python pro or simply want to add a valuable skill to your repertoire, the path to Python proficiency is well-paved. In this blog, we’ll outline a comprehensive strategy to learn Python from scratch to pro, and we’ll also touch upon how ACTE Institute can accelerate your journey with its job placement services.

1. Start with the basics:

Every journey begins with a single step. Familiarise yourself with Python’s fundamental concepts, including variables, data types, and basic operations. Online platforms like Codecademy, Coursera, and edX offer introductory Python courses for beginners.

2. Learn Control Structures:

Master Python’s control structures, such as loops and conditional statements. These are essential for writing functional code. Sites like HackerRank and LeetCode provide coding challenges to practice your skills.

3. Dive into Functions:

Understand the significance of functions in Python. Learn how to define your functions, pass arguments, and return values. Functions are the building blocks of Python programmes.

4. Explore Data Structures:

Delve into Python’s versatile data structures, including lists, dictionaries, tuples, and sets. Learn their usage and when to apply them in real-world scenarios.

5. Object-Oriented Programming (OOP):

Python is an object-oriented language. Learn OOP principles like classes and objects. Understand encapsulation, inheritance, and polymorphism.

6. Modules and Libraries:

Python’s strength lies in its extensive libraries and modules. Explore popular libraries like NumPy, Pandas, and Matplotlib for data manipulation and visualisation.

7. Web Development with Django or Flask:

If web development interests you, pick up a web framework like Django or Flask. These frameworks simplify building web applications using Python.

8. Dive into Data Science:

Python is a dominant language in the field of data science. Learn how to use libraries like SciPy and Scikit-Learn for data analysis and machine learning.

9. Real-World Projects:

Apply your knowledge by working on real-world projects. Create a portfolio showcasing your Python skills. Platforms like GitHub allow you to share your projects with potential employers.

10. Continuous learning:

Python is a dynamic language, with new features and libraries regularly introduced. Stay updated with the latest developments by following Python communities, blogs, and podcasts.

The ACTE Institute offers a structured Python training programme that covers the entire spectrum of Python learning. Here’s how they can accelerate your journey:

Comprehensive Curriculum: ACTE’s Python course includes hands-on exercises, assignments, and real-world projects. You’ll gain practical experience and a deep understanding of Python’s applications.

Experienced Instructors: Learn from certified Python experts with years of industry experience. Their guidance ensures you receive industry-relevant insights.

Job Placement Services: One of ACTE’s standout features is its job placement assistance. They have a network of recruiting clients, making it easier for you to land a Python-related job.

Flexibility: ACTE offers both online and offline Python courses, allowing you to choose the mode that suits your schedule.

The journey from Python novice to pro involves continuous learning and practical application. ACTE Institute can be your trusted partner in this journey, providing not only comprehensive Python training but also valuable job placement services. Whether you aspire to be a Python developer, data scientist, or web developer, mastering Python opens doors to diverse career opportunities. So, take that first step, start your Python journey, and let ACTE Institute guide you towards Python proficiency and a rewarding career.

I hope I answered your question successfully. If not, feel free to mention it in the comments area. I believe I still have much to learn.

If you feel that my response has been helpful, make sure to Follow me on Tumblr and give it an upvote to encourage me to upload more content about Python.

Thank you for spending your valuable time and upvotes here. Have a great day.

#python #python programming #python training #python course #technology

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buildersmarthyd · 2 years ago

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Concrete Blocks - Manufacturing, Classification & Uses

Concrete blocks are nowadays replacing bricks in masonry construction, notably in many multi-storeyed buildings. They are available in three types namely solid, hollow and cellular, widely used for the construction of filler walls and boundary walls in RC framework.

Concrete blocks are usually made in large sizes to make blockwork faster and consume less cement in joints than the brickwork. If the percentage of the voids is more than 25%, then they are hollow blocks and blocks with voids less than 25% are only perforated blocks.

The cellular concrete blocks are generally referred to as lightweight aerated concrete blocks. All these blocks are extensively used for compound walls and non-loadbearing walls.

Hollow blocks are specially made for loadbearing walls, which are useful in reducing a dead load of masonry in buildings. Blocks can also be with cement and sand called cement-sand blocks or with cement and soil called soil-cement blocks which are of low strength and use for low-cost construction.

Manufacturing of Concrete Blocks

BIS recommends a fineness modulus of the combined aggregate between 3.6 to 4 and coarse aggregates used are of size 6 to 12 mm. Lean mixes up to 1:8 are generally used. Concrete mix for concrete blocks should not be richer than one part of the cement to six parts of the volume of combined aggregate.

Concrete blocks can be handmade and also machine-made. The cast block is then cured in a water tank or yard for at least 14 days (water need to be changed at least every 4 days).

After curing, the blocks are dried for 4 weeks before being used in masonry construction. They should be stacked with voids in the horizontal direction to facilitate easy drying, or they should be steam cured and dried.

The whole process allows the complete shrinkage of the block to take place they are laid on the wall, which is very important for strong walls.

Classification of Concrete Blocks

Hollow concrete blocks

Open and Closed cavity-type hollow concrete blocks are classified into three grades:

Grade A - They possess a minimum density of 1500 kg/m³ and are used for load-bearing walls.

Grade B - They have a density below 1500 kg/m¬³ and used for load-bearing walls.

Grade C - These blocks are used for non-load bearing walls and have density more than 1000 kg/m³.

All these blocks are available in decorative facings like fluted facing to provide artistic effects.

Solid concrete blocks

They should be manufactured for specific concrete strength of 4.0 and 5.0 N/mm² in 28 days. These blocks are used as load-bearing walls and have a density of not less than 1800 kg/m³.

Paver blocks

These blocks are solid concrete blocks of different shapes specially made for exterior ground paving on sidewalks, parking lots, driveways, petrol pumps, industrial floors, etc.

AAC Blocks

AAC blocks refer as Autoclaved Aerated Concrete Blocks. These blocks are also termed as light-weight hollow blocks.

They are prepared as solid blocks from cement, water and materials like ground sand, pulverized fly ash together with additives to aerate and stabilize the air bubbles.

The final result is a mixture of thick liquid which is then poured into steel moulds to form large cakes. After some time, the mixture sets and ready to cut into a serious of individual blocks of required size using taut steel wires.

Very light blocks for partition and moderate-weight blocks for light loadbearing walls can be obtained from aac blocks. These blocks do not shrink on drying as the material is obtained by autoclaving.

The autoclaved cement product is crystalline, which is different from the product obtained by normal wet curing or by ordinary steam curing.

Sizes and Tolerances

The nominal dimensions of concrete block as per BIS are as follows:

Length - 600, 500, 450 or 400 mm

Height - 100 or 200 mm

Width - 50, 75, 100, 150, 200, 250 or 300 mm

Actual sizes will be less than 10 mm of mortar thickness. For Concrete and Hollow concrete blocks nominal length 390 mm and height 190 mm. The thickness for loadbearing walls is 190 mm, compound walls 140 mm and for filler walls 90 mm.

These dimensions can easily be achieved in machine-made blocks than handmade blocks. The width of blocks use for load-bearing walls is 200 mm and for parapet or filler walls is 100 mm.

Points to Remember:

The mortar strength should not be more than the strength of the blocks. With high mortar strength, cracks will be less and very large, but with low mortar strength, cracks will be small and distributed.

We should use only blocks that are cured properly for at least 14 days and dried for 4 weeks to avoid shrinkage during construction.

We should not wet the blocks while placing in masonry construction.

Freshly-made and uncured concrete blocks should never be allowed on the work.

Blockwork, particularly ordinary cement sand blocks and soil-cement blocks should not be used as loadbearing walls for concrete slab roof which favours to expand and contract with temperature.

The maximum difference in sizes allowed is ±5 mm in length and ±3 mm in height and width.

They should be protected from rains while being stored as they absorb moisture by wetting and shrinking on drying.

The main disadvantage of concrete blocks is shrinkage due to the movement of moisture content which is not present in bricks. As these blocks are much larger than bricks, any foundation movement will cause blockwork to crack more than the brickwork.

Cement blocks, Concrete blocks, Hollow concrete blocks, solid concrete blocks, Paver blocks, AAC blocks Concrete blocks in Hyderabad

#aac Blocks #aac blocks online #aac block size #Cement blocks #Concrete blocks #Hollow concrete blocks #solid concrete blocks #Paver blocks #AAC blocks

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artsharish · 2 years ago

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Our Old house

I have been emotional, and it happens when you know that you are going out of the country, away from your family, friends. And most importantly I happen to remember our old house or the first own house of my father. All this culminated from a dream I had of visiting it. It has been almost 33 years since we left it and moved to a smaller house, an apartment precisely.

So just like that, I took some time off and went to the place. My dad inquired about where am I going but, I kept it personal and I am pretty sure that like me, he would have gone there many times just to see it, how looks like now.

A blast of memories struck me as soon I entered the locality. I remember searching its roof whenever I passed by the road just behind it so that I can get glimpses of it. Nostalgia was all over, the moment I entered the ‘not so wide lanes and abbeys’ it reminded me of our days in this house, the locality like a projection of a film. The abbey where I played while still as a small kid of 3 years. The first friend I made everything was going in frames in front of me.

Slowly and step by step I moved towards our old home, line by line, house by house, house of our neighbours where we played hide and seek appeared first. In my mind I see them, their small rooms and rickety old furniture. I remember their faces, young at those times, their relatives, and their long and odd names.

I looked up, the gali has changed, the old buildings have vanished and taken over by tall new buildings of aesthetics and colours. The simplicity is gone and paved way for commercialization.

The charpoys where our neighbours used to sit and talk have vanished. The bonhomie and chats have now gone. They say people don’t mingle like earlier days; the tall buildings have made difficult for their hearts to get connected. It is harsh I know, how simple people become sophisticated with money and power.

And finally, I saw it. Standing as we left it, in a dilapidated state, but it looks all the same. The home we used to see in old photos, our first home was in front of me like a living legend. The grey coloured grained-gravel walls ‘so that we don’t have to waste money in repainting’, seems to have stood the test of time. It was like traversing through a time machine in the era of black and white. There were colours at that time too but not that prominent, may be the population at that time was not much aligned to the aesthetics but to the humane values. Nowadays the homes have colours but not values.

The rectangular window overseeing the gali was still visible but blocked with bricks.The entrance to Staircase and the channel guarding the staircase was still in place. I remember how the mesh of the channel amused me and it might have been the very first shape which caught my attention. I never till now knew why I had a liking to shapes and building but who knows the channel might have the starting point. I saw a lemon and chilli hung on its head, like sermonising that the place still have its current resident living in it.

I remained seized; a glimpse of the door made me emotional. The door looked the same, the colour is same pitch blue. The years of paint might have made several coats on it but I know inside it, is a barren iron door. Soft it would have been on inside, like how we all pretend to be the strongest of men but, we are all weak from are inside. We all try to look strong, but we know that somewhere within us is that soft part which weeps when we go away from our parents, our brothers, and sisters. We all go away, leave our houses and parents, friends.

My dad left his village to earn here in Delhi. He came with just the clothes he was wearing and one sheet to cover himself in night. He left his parents in village where they waited for him to come, day and night. Likewise, I am too travelling to Paris this time on official posting. I can’t imagine how my parents would have been feeling and I guess it might be the same how parents of my father might have felt. No matter how happy we look when we talk on video calls, I know they pretend to be strong but, on the inside, they just want me to be with them.

The door has been the witness over the years, the day my father bought this home after almost years of savings and loans. I can’t imagine how light he might have felt after getting it. He was newly married and getting own roof over the head might have been his utmost priority.

The door saw my father working day and night to make ends meet. And the Door saw the day I was born in this home early morning of 24th July 1987, took my first step on the earth and spoke my first word. It would have witnessed the joy and happiness of being the first born of the family. The door was privy to the festivals and tragedies of our family. It saw my mother making bindies and kids clothes to support her husband. It kept the memories of semblance of our friends and relatives, and it also saw breaking up of our joint family into smaller factions. And finally, it saw us leaving it behind, in search of a better house and a better future.

The house is privy to what I see the phenomenon of social change in India when the joint families broke up into smaller nuclear families. Why we went out is surely a story for another time but leaving the house that time did anger me as a small kid, and I used to think it was a Himalayan blunder committed by my father. But as I grew up, I understood his side of the story, why he took up to stay away from his brothers and parents.

It also reminded me of our companions, friends which we leave behind and the ones who left us behind too, in search of better life, the ones which were once important to us in the bygone eras but have limited value now.

All this while I kept thinking that Is it the fact of life that when we rise up we lose friends and family? The same was the condition of door.

I somehow felt like the Door is speaking to me and complaining.

“Finally! You have come to meet me after 33 year, I have been waiting for you to come back since you left”.

I looked at it and stumbly replied to in my head as a teardrop pickled out of my eyes and I humbly wiped it of before anyone else could see it. I said to it and in my heart.

“I am thankful to you, Oh door, for being the keeper of our memories and the part of my life”

I promised to it that the life lesson which it gave me today will be dear to my heart, wherever I go. I will not leave my friends and family. I will be in touch and I will keep coming back to see you, oh door!

#memories #love #friends #family

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