#pastrami is low key delicious btw

[gothamite-rambler]

Barbara Petty Revenge

Context: Dick ate Barbara pastrami sandwich.

Barbara’s voice crackled through the comm as we Dick Grayson aka Nightwing stood alone on a rooftop, silhouetted against the skyline.

Barbara: Dickie bird, this is Oracle. What’s your location?

Dick crossed his arms and frowned, the tension evident on his face as he refused to respond. He knew she would be like this after eating her lunch, but in his defense the food wasn't labeled... and that was all he could use as a defense.

Barbara could feel the anger from his silence, so she continued to poke fun.

Barbara (mischievous smile as she speaks louder): Dickie bird, are you in? Dickie? Dickard? Dichard? Dickwad?

Dick pressed the comm button with an audible click, his face turning red with anger.

Dick (finally speaking, angry): Okay, that last one is intended to be insulting!

Barbara leans back in her chair, taking a sip from her tumler cup before putting on the theatrics.

Barbara (feigning shock): What am I doing wrong? These are nicknames connected to your main nickname, and I am simply calling you these as terms of endearment.

Dick shifts his weight, visibly irritated.

Dick: That is a damn lie! You are clearly doing this to mess with me because I ate that two-day-old pastrami sandwich! If you wanted it, label it!

Barbara put on a mock serious expression, placing her cup on the desk.

Barbara (fake stammering): I—What—I—I would never! I am simply being a friend. You eating the clearly pastrami-filled sandwich is not why I'm doing this. It's not like I'm the only other person who eats pastrami from the deli that's difficult to get to since I'm freaking paralyzed and it’s hard to take an Uber.

Dick rolled his eyes, a little smirk creeping onto his face despite himself.

Dick (trying to upset her): You snooze, you lose!

Barbara leaned forward, her eyes glinting with mischief.

Barbara: Mm-hm, mm-hm. Well, I am not being petty, just a friend. I even combined two of them—Dickard.

Barbara’s brows furrowed as she smiled, waiting for his neck move.

Dick (angry whisper): Dickard and Dichard aren’t what you call me! My name when I'm on patrol is Nightwing! I have been going by Nightwing for ten years! Say my damn hero name!

Barbara twirled her pen mockingly, pretending to be deep in thought.

Barbara (twirling her pen while pretending to think): Hm... I'm not sure, Dickard. Let me try to say it a few times: Nightwing, Nightwing, Nightwing... Chickenwing... Cockwing! Is that better?

Dick’s frustration boiled over, his body tense with anger as he raised his voice.

Dick: Keep talking, bitch, and I’ll tape your mouth shut! You call me by my name, Barbie, or—

Barbara, maintaining her sweet facade, leans back with her arms crossed.

Barbara (sickeningly sweet): Now, that’s not very nice. Dickwad, I was simply checking—

Dick jumping up and down in rage, clearly losing his patience.

Dick: I am not in the mood for this!

Suddenly, Bruce, in his Batman suit, enters the comm chat, his voice authoritative.

Bruce (entering the comm chat): Would you both stop being children! Oh my God, I will buy you a new sandwich, Oracle! Nightwing... you are grounded!

Barbara cackled hearing this news. She won, got a free sandiwch and got a grown man punished by his father. Dick shoulders slumped in shock.

Nightwing: What?! I didn't even do anything!

Bruce’s tone remains stern, emphasizing his frustration.

Batman: You are acting foolish in the middle of your job! And you threatened her! She is mocking you, yes, but she has not threatened you. You're grounded!

Barbara, taking advantage of the moment, shifted to a baby voice, playing innocent.

Barbara (baby voice): Yeah, I am a frail paralyzed lady. You might hurt me for harmless jokes? That’s so mean.

She chuckled softly in the background, further irritating Dick.

Dick (shrill voice): SHE'S LAUGHING AT ME IN THE BACKGROUND!

Bruce’s patience wears thin.

Batman: The people around you can hear you. Grounded! You are grounded! I don't care how old you are or if she picking on you, you are acting childish. I get you're upset Kori extended her vacation for three weeks, but during that time you are grounded! No missions, no fancy electronics, no hanging out with your friends. You're grounded for three weeks! Go home and think about what you did!

Dick stood there, arms crossed and lip quivering as if he were eight again, frustration radiating from him.

Dick: I—I—THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!

He stomped away, the comm on his end disconnecting with a loud static pop. He fired up his grappling hook gun, swinging down from the rooftop, muttering to himself as he headed home.

Barbara: Mess with the queen, you get the gullitone.

Meanwhile on the streets of Gotham Bruce waited for Tim to return with the hot dogs he wanted Bruce to try. Tim, 19 and full of youthful energy, approached the caped crusader, holding a couple of hotdogs in hand.

Tim: What did I just walk over to?

Bruce: Nightwing is grounded.

Tim (confused): You grounded him? Like he's on punishment?

Bruce glanced at Tim, a hint of exasperation in his demeanor.

Bruce: Yep.

Tim raised an eyebrow in surprise.

Tim: But... he's in his twenties, he doesn't live with you— 'You're Batman' that’s the explanation, isn’t it?

Bruce gave a curt nod, looking slightly amused despite the situation.

Bruce: Yep.

Tim shrugs, accepting the absurdity of the situation.

Tim: All right then. At least it isn't me.