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ljones41 · 4 years ago

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"The Deconstruction of Dr. Jack Shephard"

"THE DECONSTRUCTION OF DR. JACK SHEPHARD" I have a confession to make. I must be one of the few fans of the ABC series "LOST" (2004-2010) who did not dislike the series' lead character, Dr. Jack Shephard. Before anyone makes the assumption that he is a favorite character of mine, let me make one thing clear. He is not. But for some strange reason, I never disliked Jack. I still do not.

Throughout most of the series’ run, many "LOST" fans had consistently ranted against Jack’s faults. Mind you, he was not the only flawed character in the series. In fact, most of the major characters seemed to possess some very serious flaws. Jack Shephard seemed to be one of very few characters that had drawn a considerable amount of ire from the fans. I do not know why he was been specifically targeted by these fans. But I cannot help but wonder if the combination of Jack’s role as the series' lead character and his flawed personality had set fans against him. Now, someone might claim that my last remark sounds ridiculous. As I had earlier pointed out, most of the major characters are also seriously flawed or have committed some serious crimes. Extremely flawed characters like John Locke, Jin Kwon, Michael Dawson, Kate Austen, Miles Strume, Ana-Lucia Cortez, Charlie Pace, Sayid Jarrah, James "Sawyer" Ford, Sun Kwon, Boone Carlyle, Mr. Eko, Juliet Burke and Shannon Rutherford. Hell, the list was practically endless. And yet, the only other character who had received as much criticism or hate as Jack was Ana-Lucia Cortez. Why? Well, I have my theories. Both Jack and Ana-Lucia had assumed leadership among the castaways at one time or the other, due to their personalities, circumstances and professions. Ana-Lucia assumed leadership of the Tail Section passengers that crashed on one side of the island and remained stuck there for forty-eight (48) days. Since Day One of the Oceanic 815 crash, Ana-Lucia had stepped up and utilized her skills as a police officer to save lives and make decisions when no one else would. Jack, a spinal surgeon, did the same with the surviving passengers from the Fuselage Section on the other side of the island. In one early Season One episode, (1.05) "White Rabbit", he seemed willing to back away from the role of leader, until John Locke convinced him to resume it. Jack remained the leader even after Ana-Lucia and the remaining Tail Section passengers joined the Fuselage camp by the end of Season Two’s (2.08) "Collision". And it was not until after his departure from the island in the Season Four finale, (4.13/4.14) "There's No Place Like Home, Part II" with Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, Sun Kwon, Sayid Jurrah, Kate Austen and Aaron Littleton (the Oceanic Six) that he finally relinquished the position. Recalling the above made me realize something. Human beings – for some reason or other – expect leaders to know everything and always do the right thing. Always. And without fail. Humans seemed to have little tolerance toward the imperfections of our leaders. This certainly seemed to be the case for fictional characters who are leaders. And many fans of "LOST" had harbored a deep lack of tolerance toward Jack and Ana-Lucia’s personal failings. In the case of the former L.A.P.D. police officer, many fans had complained of Ana-Lucia's aggressive personality. They also accused her of being a bitch. In other words, being aggressive and hard – traits many have claimed are more suited for a man - is a sure sign that a woman is a bitch. And unlike other female characters on the series, Ana-Lucia lacked the svelte, feminine looks prevalent in productions such as the 2001-2003 "LORD OF THE RINGS" saga. Actually, gender (and racial) politics may have played a role in the fans' opinion of Jack. His main crime seemed to be that he did not fit the image of a heroic leading white male character. Physically, he looked the part. Unfortunately for Jack, he had failed to live up to those looks. He made the wrong choices on several occasions – choices that included his decision to continue Daniel Farraday's plan to set off the nuclear bomb Jughead in the Season Five finale, (5.16/5.17) "The Incident". It is interesting that many fans had dumped most the blame upon Jack’s shoulders regarding that bomb. And he was partially to blame. But those same fans had failed to remember it was Daniel Faraday who had first insisted upon setting off the bomb to reset time back to the day of Flight 815’s crash – September 22, 2004. And they also failed to recall that Dr. Juliet Burke's decision to set off the bomb for her own reasons was the final action that led to her death. Many had accused Jack of failing to be a proper parent figure to his nephew, Aaron Littleton, during his three years off the island. And at the same time, many had praised Kate Austen for pretending to be the boy’s mother. I found this rather perverse and a little disgusting, considering that Kate had set in motion the lie about her being Aaron’s mother. Jack (along with the remaining members of the Oceanic Six) was guilty of supporting Kate’s lie. But instead of criticizing both for lying about Aaron and keeping him from his Australian grandmother Carole Littleton for nearly three years, many fans had criticized Jack for not being an effective father figure to Aaron and praised a kidnapper like Kate for being a good mother. Ah, the ironies of life. Many fans had accused Jack of being emotionally abusive toward Kate. And yes, they would have every reason to criticize his behavior in episodes like (1.11) “All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues”. But Kate’s own behavior in episodes like (1.12) “Whatever the Case May Be”, which featured her constant lies and attempts to manipulate him and others, occasionally triggered his temper. If one character is going to be criticized for the situations I have previously described, the other character involved should be criticized for his or her own questionable behavior. Some of Jack's other mistakes included sanctioning Sayid’s torture of Sawyer, failure to organize a genuine search for the only child passenger from Oceanic 815′s Fuselage Section, the kidnapped Walt Lloyd, instigating that ludicrous search for Walt’s dad Michael Dawson and communicating with Martin Keamy and the other hired mercenaries aboard the S.S. Kahana. Yet, he had received more complaints about his relationship with Kate, along with his tendencies to get emotional and shed tears than for anything else. Once again, many “LOST” fans managed to prove that we still live in a patriarchal society. It was okay for female characters to shed tears in very emotional moments, but not male characters. Especially if that one male character happened to be the series’ leading character. Jack's penchant for tears was not the only sign of how some fans can be hypocritical. I have written articles criticizing some of the series' other characters. Most of my articles have criticized Kate Austen. I will be honest. I used to dislike Kate very much. However, my dislike of her has finally abated - somewhat. Most of my dislike had stemmed from her past flaky behavior and especially from the fans’ tendency to excuse her mistakes and crimes . . . or pretend that she had never done anything wrong. However, Kate was not the only character given this leeway. James “Sawyer” Ford had murdered three people – one in Australia and two on the island - within a space of two to three months. Yet, many fans had made constant excuses for his actions. I never disliked Sawyer. But I have complained about his flaws, mistakes and crimes on numerous occasions. When I did, many fans had pretended that he had done anything wrong. And to this day, I still find this frustrating. Sometime back in Season Two or Season Three, actor Matthew Fox and the show’s producers, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, made it known to the media and viewers that they were doing something different with the Jack Shephard character. They took a superficially heroic type – a brilliant surgeon that assumed leadership of a group of stranded castaways – and deconstructed him. In other words, they slowly but surely exposed his flaws and took the character to what could be viewed as the nadir of his existence. Jack eventually climbed out of that existence by the series’ last season. But certain fans on many "LOST" message boards and forums made it clear this was not a path they had wanted Jack to take. Instead, these fans had wanted – or demanded that Jack behave like a conventional hero. During most of Season Six, Jack had managed to avoid indulging in self-destructive behavior. He also refrained from displaying any inclination to pursue a romance with Kate. The worst he had done was engage in a temper tantrum over his discovery that the island’s spiritual "man" Jacob had been observing and possibly interfering in the lives of several castaways. Another personality change I noticed was that he had passively allowed others to take the lead without questioning their decisions. I must be honest. I never liked that particular period in Jack's emotional makeup. It made him seem like a mindless moron. Did Jack finally become the hero that so many had demanded, when he saved the island in the series finale? Apparently, those responsible for the Emmy nominations believed he had. Why else did they finally nominate Matthew Fox for a Best Actor in a Drama award, after the series' final season. Mind you, Fox had been giving outstanding performances since the first season. But when Jack finally became a likable and somewhat conventional hero, they deemed Fox worthy of an Emmy nomination. Dear God. Personally, I never did care about Jack Shephard's status as a hero. Nor did I really care for his passive behavior in Season Six. But I did hope that he had finally discovered some inner peace for himself. And I believe that he did during the series’ final moments.

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hopeshoodie · 3 years ago

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What insecurities do you think the girls have?

Erghhhh this is an AMAZING question, Iris. Let's move from most insecure to least

Lottie

She has a lot of physical insecurities, and I imagine they're little insignificant things like 'my shoulders are too wide, my nose is asymmetrical, I don't have a cupids bow, I have cellulite' instead of bigger things. She spends so much time applying makeup and trying to perform her style for others that she ends up picking herself apart

That none of her friends actually like her and she has no one

That she has to compete with the girls around her, for attention/job opportunities/men

That people think she's not smart so she has to retaliate by being snarky and overly invested in other people's business

That she's unlovable and will never find The One

Hope (I love my girl but oh boy is she insecure)

She always second guesses the commitments she makes because what if there's something better? What if something out of her control falls through?

That she's unlovable (she doesn't believe in The One like Lottie but she very much does worry that her standards are too high and she'll never find someone)

That she's not successful and rich ENOUGH (she's very confident in her career but also is motivated by wanting more)

Once she recognizes and starts actively working on her anger issues she's very self conscious of her past actions and how older friends perceive her

That she makes more money than her partner and some internalized misogynistic part of her doesn't want that to be true

Marisol

That her attraction to women isn't valid/her lack of experience with women. She constantly asks herself if she's pretending to be into women for attention lmao 13 year old me agrees

That she's not as smart as she thinks she is or conversely that she is super smart but can't convey that to other people

That she doesn't do as well in school as she'd like

That she doesn't have a whole lot of close friends, just many acquaintances. She's constantly anxious that people are doing things without her and excluding her.

Purely headcanon but I feel like she's really conscious of how she moves/walks and is insecure about how others perceive her because of it

Her height, but only sometimes

Hannah (I hate putting her so low but I think she's so naive and firmly in her not like other girls phase that she doesn't recognize her insecurities)

That other people will think she's stuck up or stupid

That she's actually terrible at writing (with her reading comprehension of classics... girl it's not looking good)

That she can't compete with other women. Not that shes not interesting and hot, she knows she is, but that she'll get lost in a crowd.

That she's not the right kind of beautiful. She gets called pretty a lot but will pick about that she wants to be sexy or intense or attractive in a way that doesn't come naturally to her.

Priya (I hate saying she's less insecure than the others because she's way more immature, but her immaturity comes from lack of impulse control rather than anxiety)

I get the sense that Priya is happy how she is, but feels like she never lived up to some expectation. She enjoys being a realtor, but always felt like she could/should do something more

I don't think she has the self reflection to realize that people perceive her as basic, but she definitely recognizes and worries that she doesn't have a distinct personal style like it seems everyone else does

I think the majority of her insecurities are based on what she THINKS everyone else is. She thinks 'everyone else has a million friends and I don't' 'everyone else has a 14 step skin routine and I don't' 'everyone else has their life completely figured out and I don't'. None of its true, she's just self flagellating herself because of the idealized things she sees on Instagram.

Elisa

She's super confident about her appearance, style, personality, and status, but she's DEFINITELY very dependent on others for validation. She's constantly worried that her look/interests will go out of style.

Shannon

What other people think of her. She's fine if you hate her (and might even like it), as long as she thinks the criticisms are invalid or she doesn't like you already. She just needs to be relevant, desired, and thought of as interesting so badly.

My girl doesn't have an insecure bone in her body aside from being wrong. When she's confronted with demonstrable proof that she's wrong about something big, she shuts down and obsesses over it. Little things she can shrug off easily, but when something gets under her skin she cannot stop obsessing about it.

#litg #final trash dump

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sulkybbarnes · 4 years ago

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“I can’t help but think we just didn’t do right by you somehow. You won’t tell me who you are. Did we teach you shame? Did I teach you that? Cause it would break my heart if I had. Can’t you see what a good job God did here. Can’t you see how beautiful he made you?” -Big Eden (2000)

Read on AO3

Eddie sits in his car for a long time, head bowed and his hands gripping at the steering wheel. If it weren’t for the tense shoulders and the white knuckled grip he might look as if he was praying. Maybe part of him is praying. For courage, for acceptance, for a lighter heart. Between him and all of that stands an ocean of turmoil and whirling thoughts.

Eddie isn’t exactly panicking, but he might be a few breaths away from it. For him, panic isn’t quickened breaths and swimming vision. It’s rigidity and a weight that sits heavily in his stomach. It’s fire spreading through his chest and into his limps, rendering him motionless, even when his brain races at the speed of light. Part of him wants to turn back, drive home, make dinner for his son, maybe call Buck to see if he’d join them. However, since Buck is part of the problem, that course of action might not be the wisest.

Eddie sucks in a deep breath then let it out slowly. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck any more than he was afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. In his later years of life, after having a kid and a twice failed marriage, Eddie has become a pragmatic and introspective creature. Things just are to him. He takes them, examines them with care, then places them in place when he’s done looking at them. Sure, the process isn’t quite as clean or clinical as he makes it sound, but the end result of it is the same, no matter how long he dwells on an issue.

So, yes, Eddie isn’t afraid of being attracted to men, part of him had always known that. Examined it, folded it neatly, and placed it on a shelf in his mind that he didn’t dust often. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck. These are a steady, comforting thing that Eddie has grown accustomed to in the months since he first allowed himself to look at them. Something so good and true can’t be frightening, Eddie has decided a while ago and left it at that.

What does frighten Eddie however is two things, and these two things seem to be intertwined together beyond any hope of Eddie untangling the mess of them. However he looks at them, Eddie cannot separate the two. Eddie needs to talk to Buck about his feelings for him, and he needs to tell his family about how he feels.. in general. About how he loves. About the way his heart beats. It isn’t a requirement, and he knows deep in his bones that he doesn’t owe any of them a declaration of his sexuality or who he is. But. This is a conversation over a decade in the making, and Eddie who is a father, a firefighter, and a goddamn adult refuses to cower for another month or year.

And so, Eddie needs to tell Buck how he feels about him, and for him to do that, Eddie needs to tell his family that he’s bisexual. To have at least one person from his family to back him up when things inevitably go south with his parents after both revelations. Two things he needs to do, and they are tightly knotted in his mind. He could have told Buck first. Could have had whatever outcome that yielded to decide the next steps for him, but that’s not what this is about. Whether Buck takes or rejects him, Eddie needs to do this for himself.

One person, Eddie repeats like a mantra. Just one person, Diaz.

Eddie lets out a final shuddering breath, releases his death grip on the steering wheel, and makes the short walk to his abuela’s house.

He sends a silent prayer to the universe before he knocks.

----

No matter how old he is, the smell of his abuela’s house stays comforting. Eddie’s relationship with his parents was tumultuous at times as he grew up, his parents approval ebbing and flowing depending on what standards he failed to meet. They were never bad parents, but they weren’t big on comfort either. Theirs was a house of discipline throughout Eddie’s life, and so his grandmother’s house was a haven in comparison. One filled with his abuela’s warmth and her never ending quest to stuff him with comfort food.

Eddie could have gone to his sisters for this. He knows that would have made far more sense, with his sisters being younger and generally more open minded. He could have gone to his aunt too, who wielded a non-nonsense attitude and a keen eye for details and who probably already had an inkling about Eddie’s feelings for his best friend. Beyond his parents, his abuela might very well be the second hardest option, but possibly the most important one. Which is why he decided to start here. He curses his own decision making skills not for the first time today.

Whatever the outcome of this conversation is, he tells himself, it will be a hurdle he has cleared. One part of the knot unwinded.

“Are you going to tell me what’s troubling you, Edmundo?” His grandmother sighs from where she sits on the couch across from him. “You’ve been too far inside your own head since you arrived. Tell me what’s wrong.”

To his horror, the gentle tone makes Eddie’s eyes sting. He taps against his knee twice and sits a steaming mug down, trying to figure out where to start.

“You’re right,” Eddie begins, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” He looks at her for a long moment, waiting for her encouraging nod before he goes on. “I’ve been keeping something from you and everyone else for a long time. I thought it didn’t matter much. That it won’t hurt anyone if it stays hidden and I don’t act on it. But it’s hurting me, abuela. It’s been hurting me for a long time now, more than I ever thought possible.”

Eddie wills his voice to stay steady but it must give him away, because his abuela moves to sit beside him. She reaches out and puts her hand on top of his, squeezing once.

“What is hurting you, Eddie? I never want anything to hurt you. Tell me.”

“There’s someone I have feelings for, someone I might be in love with,” The words tumbling out of order, without his permission. His abuela’s face clears, she smiles, and begins to speak but Eddie desperately shakes his head at her, so she keeps listening instead. “It’s not just that. It’s a man. The person I have feelings for is a man. That’s what I- it’s what I wanted to tell you.”

Eddie waits for a reprimand. He waits for shock or disgust or anger. It doesn’t come.

Instead, several agonizing moments later, Isabel Diaz makes a wounded noise, followed by a deep sigh. She raises her hand to cup Eddie’s face and gently tugs until he’s looking at her. Eddie is ashamed to admit he almost flinches at the gesture.

“I see,” She says, her eyes watering. “It’s us who have been hurting you. Did we teach you shame? Is that what we did?” She questions.

Eddie doesn’t answer her. Where his eyes stung before, now there are tears gathering and spilling down his cheeks. Eddie doesn’t move to wipe them off. They have earned their release.

“You’re not angry?” Eddie asks instead.

“At you? No, never. At the rest of us? yes. I won’t lie, Eddie, I never expected this, but that’s on me not on you.” She sighs again, “I’m an old woman, heaven knows how much I’ve known and seen. Maybe.. maybe years ago I would have been less generous, and I don’t claim to understand it fully now, but I never want you to be ashamed of who you are. I never want you to hurt because of us.”

Eddie feels his shoulders sagging with relief, a breath leaves him and it sounds wrenched and ragged despite his efforts at quelling. His grandmother pulls him down until his head rests against her shoulder, she wipes at the back of his head and murmurs comforting words in both English and Spanish. They set like that for long moments, Eddie feeling as if he can fully exhale for the first time in years, and his grandmother speaking softly with her arms wrapped around him.

“How long have you known? Does anyone else know?” She asks after a while.

Eddie pulls back and wipes at his face, smiling when he’s instantly offered some tissues and a now-cooling cup of coffee.

“I’ve always known, I think, that I like both men and women. Since I was a kid. And, no, no one else knows. You’re the first person I’m telling,” He answers truthfully. He hadn’t even told Shannon about this. “I know they won’t be happy when it comes out. I just can’t hold it anymore.”

The “they” in question don’t need to be named. His abuela is as familiar with his parents’ set of beliefs as he is.

“Maybe not at first, but they’ll come around. People change with time, and your parents have good hearts.” His grandmother says with such conviction that he almost believes her. “And until then, you know your sisters will be on your side. Your Aunt Josephine too, and me.”

“Thanks, abuela,” Eddie smiles at her gratefully and kisses her cheek. He feels dizzy with relief. Nothing that comes after this will be as difficult.

“Now, tell me about that man of yours. Who is he?” His grandmother’s serious gaze lands on him, but her lips twitch with a smile. Eddie feels heat rushing to his face as if he’s twelve again and caught trying to sneak chocolates from the chocolate box.

“He’s not mine,” Eddie mumbles, and his abuela gives him a look that says and whose fault is that?. “We really don’t have to talk about this.”

When that suggestion is met with a steely stare, Eddie falters then breaks, “His name is Buck? It’s Buck. From work. You’ve met Buck.”

Now his grandmother smiles, her eyes laughing at him. “Yes, I know who Buck is. I’ve only heard Chris rave about him and met him every other month for the past two years, Edmundo.”

Eddie brings a hand to rub at his eyes, now smiling too.

“Why haven’t you told him then?” And before Eddie can answer, she adds, “Is that our doing too? That you’re afraid?”

“No, no, that’s not because of any of this,” Eddie answers, which is only half a lie. “We’re very close friends, abuela. You know how close, you just said it yourself. He’s so involved with Chris and our lives. I’m worried about what will happen if I tell him and it doesn’t work out between us. It’s why I haven’t told him yet.”

“You think he feels the same?”

“I think he does. I’m pretty sure of it,” Eddie confides, even though he has never said any of this aloud before, he has thought about it for months on end, “I’m not ashamed of how I feel, but I thought leaving it alone would be best. To protect what we already have.”

“Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man, Edmundo.” Abuela chastises, “You said you’re close? Then you should respect him enough to give him the choice.”

Eddie nods, eyes watering again. This conversation is so far out of the realm of what he expected that he feels the need to lie down, or cry, or both.

“I will,” Eddie promises, “I’ve been planning on it for a while. I just.. I needed to do this first.”

Oh, my heart, his grandmother murmurs as she cups his face again with gentle hands and draws him into a hug. Against her shoulder, Eddie lets out a breath of pure relief.

------

Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man.

The words ring in Eddie’s ears for days after coming out to his abuela. He catches himself several times in the process of taking them out and looking at them. He never thought of his waiting as cruel to anyone but himself. His grandmother’s words sit heavy in his chest, making him vow to speak to Buck as soon as possible.

Between their busy shifts and both of them having various family obligations, the chance to speak to Buck alone doesn’t present itself until nearly a week after Eddie’s conversation with his grandmother.

They’re at Eddie’s house for the evening, having ended work a few hours ago. Chris fell asleep between them after dinner, about half an hour ago, and so Eddie carries him to his bedroom, kisses his forehead, and silently asks Chris to wish him luck as he heads back to the living room.

On the couch, Buck looks up at Eddie’s arrival and smiles.

“You’re not kicking me out now that Chris is sleeping, are you?” Buck jokes, “Because I was really hoping for a beer.”

Buck gestures towards the table, where two beers sit waiting for them. It strikes Eddie then, just how comfortable Buck is in Eddie’s space, and how much Eddie likes it that way. He smiles and moves to sit next to Buck.

Eddie’s mind is swirling with ways to start the conversation he wants to have, when Buck beats him to it.

“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” Buck asks, his fingers toying with the neck of his bottle. “You’ve been off all week. Did something happen?”

Eddie looks at Buck for a couple of heartbeats. There’s no denying how beautiful he is, or how attractive Eddie finds him, but what catches his attention now is the ever present kindness in Buck’s eyes. Eddie has always envied Buck his openness and vulnerability. It was a kind of bravery that Eddie is only now starting to learn. Where Eddie is thoughtful and private with his emotions, Buck wears each one of his for the entire world to see. Eddie can’t help the bang of longing spreading through his chest, even as he sets out for his second scary conversation of the week.

“Yeah, something pretty important happened,” Eddie starts, placing the bottle back on the table and turning to look at Buck, who mirrors Eddie’s movement. “I told my abuela that there’s someone I have feelings for, and that this someone is a man.”

Buck blinks at Eddie in rapid succession, seemingly processing the information. His mouth hangs open for a moment before he frowns. “Shit, Eddie, why didn’t you say anything? That’s huge. How did it go? Are you okay?”

“I just came out to you,” Eddie states, because he needs to make sure that that part registered.

“Yeah, no, I noticed, but you also came out to your grandmother which sounds scarier,” Buck shoots back, his eyes filled with pure concern. Eddie badly wants to reach out and rub at the crease between his brows.

“Definitely scarier,” Eddie agrees and then grins, “But it went surprisingly well. Way better than expected. We even talked a bit about the guy.”

Buck’s expression clears into a bright smile, looking for all the world like sunshine in human form. His eyes are shimmering and he wipes at them with a laugh.

“Eddie, that’s great,” Buck punches his shoulder lightly, as if they’re still kids in highschool, and Eddie grins at the gesture, “That’s amazing, man. I’m really happy for you!”

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie feels light as he says it, the combination of Buck’s blinding smile and him coming out to his best friend feeling heady and intoxicating.

“And you’re alright?” Buck asks again, his hand nudging at Eddie’s knee then retreating. Eddie fights the urge to take Buck’s hand and place it back there, where his warmth seeped into Eddie’s skin.

“I’m all good. Just needed some time to process all of it. But I’m good now.” Eddie nods, “Feels like one of the hardest parts is over. My parents will be a different story, but I’m leaving that for later.”

“Yeah, I get that. Thank you for trusting me with this. Seriously.” Buck says gently, his tone gone soft. He’s obviously sincere with his words, but something flashes in his eyes akin to hurt. It catches Eddie by surprise as he tries to pinpoint what caused the expression.

Buck chews on his lip for several seconds, painfully obvious in his distress, and then replaces the expression with a smile that is a mere flicker of the one he wore before.

“So, do I get to meet this mystery man of yours?” Buck jokes, “Get him the best friend stamp of approval?”

And, oh. Right. Eddie came out to Buck, but he hasn’t told him how he feels about him yet. That Buck is the man in question. That Eddie’s heart has been his now for an embarrassingly long time. Long enough for the idea of Eddie loving anyone other than Buck to be laughable. Eddie’s heart aches with love for him so much, he feels his breath catching with it.

“Well, you’ll need to approve of it for sure,” Eddie says thoughtfully, “Just not in the way you’re thinking.”

Buck’s expression turns puzzled, but he still looks hurt, and Eddie could say more, he probably should say more, but instead he spares them both a long winded explanation and reaches for Buck instead. One of his hands rests against the back of Buck’s head, fingers brushing against his hair, while the other rests against Buck’s cheek. Eddie sees the exact moment realization dawns across Buck’s face, and in any other situation, he would laugh or tease Buck about it. Right now, his focus is solely on Buck’s parted lips.

Eddie inches closer util their foreheads are nearly touching, but doesn’t close the space between them yet, needing a confirmation first.

“Buck, can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, voice far steadier than he feels. Against his hands, Buck’s skin feels so warm and inviting. Buck’s blue eyes are fixed on Eddie’s and so Eddie sees the slow blink he does, accompanied by a genuine smile. The sun breaking through clouds.

“Yes,” Buck whispers, so close that his breath brushes against Eddie’s lips. “Yeah. Kiss me.”

And that is all the prompting Eddie needs before he leans in and finally -god, finally!- brushes his mouth against Buck’s.The first touch of their lips is chaste and innocent, a hello and oh there you are! of sorts, but then Eddie captures Buck’s lower lip and then they’re kissing for real. Eddie thinks distantly that he would never in all his life tire of this or take it for granted. His lips against Buck’s, his hand in Buck’s hair and stroking his cheek, being the one to hear the little noises Buck makes when the kiss deepens. Eddie takes all of it and holds it deep within his chest, letting it warm him from the inside out and settle him deeper into this newly found sense of comfort.

They pull back to catch their breath, and Eddie takes that for the opportunity of kissing the side of Buck’s mouth, then his cheek, and his mouth again where Buck is smiling again.

“So, I’ll take it you approve?” Eddie teases, startling a laugh out of Buck and earning himself another light bunch to the shoulder.

“You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Buck’s voice is too fond to hold any heat, and he can’t seem to stop smiling. Eddie is suffering the same problem. “I don’t know how people can’t see it, but you’re such a jerk. You really had me worried there for a bit,” Buck tries to laugh it off, but the words are too honest for it to work. “Thought I’d lost you to some nameless guy coming in and sweeping you off your feet.”

“Nothing to worry about, bud,” Eddie’s heart aches again, this time for a different reason. If he needs to then Eddie will spend the rest of his life convincing Evan Buckley that he deserves to be loved, and that Eddie would never walk away from him. “No one else in here,” Eddie taps at his chest, “And I’m not going anywhere without you.”

And that seems to be the exact right thing to say because Buck’s eyes shimmer even as he rolls them at Eddie with a put upon groan. “Okay, fine. Works for me, I guess.”

Eddie laughs at that, relishing the answering grin it draws out of Buck. They’re about to start kissing again, lips a breath apart, when Buck jumps back with an expression of pure shock, his face beautifully flushed.

“Shit. Wait, wait,” Buck says with comically wide eyes, “You told your grandmother about me?”

Eddie throws his head back and laughs until his sides hurt.

#buddie #buddie fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 fox #my stuff #umm so here's a fic no one asked for #benjisvictor #rafasilvas

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reyescarlos · 5 years ago

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#7 - Buddie plz :)

#7. “I can’t breathe” - yay for a fic from Eddie’s POV. Sorry it’s depressing!

It hits Eddie when he least expects it. It bleeds into his unguarded subconscious mind like carbon monoxide in a home. There’s no warning, no way for him to protect himself from the onslaught of images play in his mind’s eye like some sick and twisted film reel.

There’s him in an unhappy marriage, running toward danger instead of sticking it out. There’s his unit in the desert, in the fight of their lives against an enemy they could barely see. There’s Shannon leaving. There’s Shannon coming back. There’s Shannon sprawled out on the city street, with only minutes left. There’s him terrified he’s lost his child. There’s him terrified his lost his best friend. There’s him buried around a mountain of mud; his fingernails caked with dirt as he claws his way out of the wreckage.

Eddie’s body twists against the sheets as he calls out the names of his loved ones that flit across his mind. “No,” he repeats over and over again. “God, no.”

“Eddie?” Bucks says beside him but Eddie is too far gone now, somewhere other than his bedroom with the man he loves.

He twitches violently against the mattress, a choked sob breaking free of him. He can feel cold sweat running down his face and the length of his neck.

“Eddie!” Buck calls out once more, but it hardly registers.

Eddie’s ears and heart are in competition with one other to see which can beat the hardest. He feels sick to his stomach and he finds it damn near impossible to breathe, let alone speak.

He can hear himself wheezing as his eyes water. Somewhere in all the jumbled noise is Buck’s voice but the words are a tangled mess that Eddie cannot decode. It’s been so long since he’s had a panic attack to this degree. He’s been good at keeping himself in check—or so he’d convinced himself. Tonight’s dream crept up completely unprompted and Eddie curses his traitorous subconscious for dredging up instances he’s desperate to forget.

What he wouldn’t give to not always be a prisoner of his own mind, forever spending each day working to keep himself composed. He’s had a lifetime of worth of upsets but he prided himself on being able to cope. Each time he thought he had this particular battle beat, a night terror would put him in his supposed place.

“I can’t breathe,” Eddie manages to eke out, gripping the collar of his shirt roughly as he tries to sit up in bed. He can feel it’s soaked and he can only imagine what the rest of him must look like. Worst yet, he can only imagine what he must look like to Buck.

He glances to his boyfriend now and can see the outright fear in his blue eyes. Ever the first responder though, Buck is quick to assess the situation and offer aid however he can.

“Eddie, it’s okay. You’re having a panic attack but I’m right here. I’m right here,” Buck says but the words reach Eddie as if they’re coming from across a canyon rather than right beside him.

Eddie let’s Buck sit him up further and he bends over, his hands linking at the base of his neck. Eddie does his best to control his breathing, reminding himself that he’s in this present moment. All the horrid memories that stole his sleep are just that—memories, things of the past that can no longer truly hurt him.

He feels Buck’s hand smoothing over his back and he clings to that too, letting it ground him like an anchor in a raging sea.

“You’re gonna be okay. It was just a dream but you’re safe now,” Buck continues to assure him and Eddie allows himself to be coaxed by Buck’s warm tone and certainty.

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat, his thumbs kneading the base of his neck to ease the pressure building there. He can’t help but to feel he’s failing at being the person he’s supposed to be.

To be the dutiful soldier. To be the fearless firefighter. To be the champion father. Eddie has no qualm being all these things but every now and then, in flashes, he finds himself incapable of being anything other than a wreck. Those moments have always been in private. Like most things he finds it easier to compartmentalize and shift his focus to areas it’s needed most. He’s always been good at downplaying, at deflecting. But now, in this bed with Buck, there’s no hiding the parts of him that he finds to be ugly. Night terrors always plagued him but he’s been on his own for so long it never really mattered when they came because there was never an audience to bear witness.

Eddie lets out a shaky breath, the pain in his chest beginning to subside. It’s very much still present but at least now he can exhale without much difficulty.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, keeping his head down low.

“Stop, okay? No apologizing,” Buck replies quietly.

“I never wanted you to see me like that.” Eddie raises his head then and clenches his jaw. “I must seem so pathetic to you right now.”

Eddie is surprised by how hurt Buck looks but before he can retract his words, Buck is speaking.

“Do you seriously think you’re weak or something?” Buck asks. “You’re the strongest guy I know.”

Eddie shakes his head and scrubs at his eyes. “This is strong to you?” he shoots back, trapping his bottom lip behind his teeth.

“It’s human. Shit, Eddie, you’re human. Cut yourself some slack.”

“I can’t. I don’t have that luxury,” Eddie says, pushing the covers off of him completely and getting to his feet. He hears Buck moving against the bed and looks up as his boyfriend. Buck is an imposing figure before him and Eddie can tell by the steely look in his eyes that Buck isn’t going to let him get away that easily.

“Buck—drop it,” he says in vain.

“No. Talk to me. What did you dream of?” Buck asks, searching Eddie’s face as if he could see the images flashing across.

Eddie shakes his head and cracks his knuckles, a telltale sign of anxiousness that makes him drop his hands instinctively to his sides. “Nothing…everything,” he amends. “Literally everything I don’t ever want to remember.”

Buck stays quiet for a moment, considering Eddie’s words. “I think you need to talk to someone,” he finally says.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing right now,” Eddie counters, met instantly with a deep frown from Buck.

“You know what I mean,” he says and Eddie sighs heavily in response.

“Yeah, I know. I just never thought I’d need to. I have a handle on it…I thought I had a handle on it,” he mumbles.

“No shame in asking for help if you need it. Hell, you’re a firefighter. You should know better than anyone that people are always there to help.”

#anon #buddie #buddie fic #buddie fanfic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ask #message #kimmy writes

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a-queer-seminarian · 5 years ago

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free will, predestination

So i’m reading through my Presbyterian Heritage and Polity notes in preparation for my ordination exams next week and figured I’d throw all the theology that confuses me most into one text post.

Providence and Free Will

According to Calvin, God is a micro-manager:

There is no moment in your life when God is not with you, actively loving you in that moment

At its best, providence means that God is active in all parts of the world

And then this is where it gets bizarre and confusing and i just gotta be like Calvin. honey. no.

Because Calvin’s idea of free will is the compatibilist idea – free will is compatible with divine determinism

Shannon’s example: Today I put on a green shirt; God determined that I would put that green shirt on. I had the agency, I had to go through the process of choosing the shirt and putting it on, but it would not have happened if God had not determined it.

So like, I did use free will to pick my shirt – but God also made it happen. Somehow…both…are true

Everything has two layers: human agency & intention, and divine agency & intention.

Meanwhile, other theologians have another take on free will – the incompatibilist idea (Gustavo Guierrez is on this team and so am i)

God limits Hir power, gives us room to do things that are against the will of God

SO YEAH, Calvin alludes to Amos being like, “There is no evil in the city but God has done it” – like, if something bad happened it’s because God determined it will.

I just. Nope. Sorry guess it’s just the Catholic in me jumpin out but No Evil Thing Comes From God thank you very much

Shannon spent so much time and energy trying to make this make sense for us and trying to explain how the heck Calvin could believe this stuff, I love you Shannon you work so hard. has the seminary given you a raise lately? they should

Calvin’s context is key to understanding why he thinks what he does about free will

he was writing in a time of communal danger -- his community had been kicked out of the Church and exiled from their country, and feared violence from several sides

what he was saying is that no matter how messed up everything seems, we are actually safe as kittens in the hands of God

There is no part of what is happening that is beyond God’s control and loving care

see like. I agree with that wholeheartedly. God deeply cares about what’s going on – but I can only imagine Xe has limited Hir control over what’s going on or bad shit wouldn’t happen

But yeah Shannon was like “when it’s communal endangerment like what Calvin’s little community of excommunicated refugees were going through, this theology is comforting. When it’s individual pain like a rape or abuse, it’s less comforting. When it’s suffering viewed on a global scale, that’s also less comforting”

Shannon admits she doesn’t believe that even Calvin himself would believe this stuff today – his view of suffering was so local; we now see suffering across the centuries and across the world and how race and gender and all play into that

“I don’t think it really works to say let’s take this theology and apply it to individual cases where it would be harmful, or this massive case of race across the last six hundred years”

Which is basically her way of saying we shouldn’t go with his view of free will these days i’m pretty sure. Whew. Thank you, Shannon

Okay, you know, I do kinda get it…like. If you are in a community like Calvin’s (or like ancient Judah when people wouldn’t stop conquering them and their sister nation just got frickin. wiped out.) and you are Completely Powerless, your survival depending on the Whims of rulers who don’t give a damn about you….it makes sense that thinking that everything, even the Bad, is being pre-ordained by God.

Like, “my life is not just determined by the shitty choices made by people in the past or present, but also by a God who intends good for me.”

…But then Calvin loses me again because when it comes to wondering why God decided to make the world like this – why God not only allows but apparently determines suffering –

Calvin is like, “uh that curiosity is a sin.” Calvin says you’re not supposed to ask those questions – that asking questions is good but there’s a limit

Uh, dude, ya ever read Habakkuk?? we’re allowed to ask God why

Anyway, as if that weren’t all baffling enough it’s time for the really hard part --

Predestination!!

So. One of the core beliefs of Reformed theology is that no part of us is not tainted by sin -- if we were pools of water and sin were ink, we’d see that the ink has permeated the whole pool, not just parts of it.

Therefore, as Shannon says, “it would be really bad news if our salvation were based on getting it right” -- our wills are so bound up by sin, we would not be able to save ourselves.

“Help, we’ve fallen and we can’t get up”

Luckily, no part of our salvation is up to us -- it’s all up to God

“it would be logical, Calvin says (i personally disagree bc dude wtf), for God to just throw us all away – but God decides to save all of us. What this means is that our eternal state, whether we are in heaven or hell, has no causal relation with our works on the planet. How we behave does not determine whether we go to heaven or hell. It’s God decision, made before we are born, not based on how we’re gonna be – God just decides.”

That being said...

“If God decides we are among the elect, we get some goodies – and that can help us screw up a little less in the world. But God’s grace comes first; we still cannot save ourselves on our own”

The “goodies” Shannon’s talking about are like, virtues or something; a desire to do good -- so like, we can have a pretty good idea of who is “elect” based on their actions (i’m not a fan of this and Shannon admits it’s been used to judge and stuff)

“So God saves us, and we respond to that with gratitude.”

Why this idea was a big deal back in the day, whether you agree or not:

Calvin’s idea of predestination was the ultimate stripping of power from the Roman Catholic Church – God decides, not the pope or bishops or priests; it’s not based on how good I am or how much money I have for indulgences

Some context:

Calvin is teaching all this to people who are studying to be pastors. They’re going to be going back to places where they can be killed for these beliefs – they are scared they will be murdered, and most of all they are scared they will recant under torture.

Calvin tells them: God has already saved you. You would not be in this room if God had not. If you recant, it does not undo that fact. – incredibly comforting for them

So don’t be scared – instead, you can respond to God’s grace

The idea of being “elect” should not cause one to be proud but act with humility

It is radically against Calvin’s predestination to imagine you are superior for your elect status; you have nothing to do with it

You should never be proud and judging other people for not being “good Christians.” You were not saved because you were a good Christian. You are learning how to be a good Christian because God saved you while you were a screw-up.

There is no illusion of meritocracy in Calvin’s grace theology – grace is free. No one earns it.

Okay. So. there are actually two “kinds” of predestination you can believe in:

Double Predestination:

God picked some people for heaven and picked some for hell

“I think that the number of PCUSA Presbyterians who believe in double predestination can be counted on two hands”

Single Predestination:

everyone is originally headed to hell, but God picks some for heaven (God didn’t elect anyone to hell as in double predestination; i.e. God does not actively damn anyone, God just doesn’t actively save them)

And another option based on that:

You can argue that grace is free for absolutely everybody -- everyone has been elected, predestined for heaven

Barth is one who says that every human being is predestined to heaven

What about atheists and/or non-Christians?

faith is a requirement but also a gift

broaden the idea of what the response to being elected is

did Calvin assume everyone elect was in the church? yes. But his theology does not actually require it.

maybe a faithful response can mean more than blatant assent to Christ

___

The monster under the bed of all this predestination stuff is the Protestant Work Ethic that developed from it after Calvin’s death

everyone trying to demonstrate that they are among the elect by being better

that’s the exact opposite of Calvin’s point!

this attempt to prove we’re elect evinces our sinful nature:

oh, we don’t work to earn our salvation? okay, we’ll work to prove it instead

and a pit of guilt:

some of us feel like we have to work nonstop for the betterment of the world as we live out our salvation

the theological definition of pride is the attempt to justify your own life

“I know that my life is worthwhile because I have these friends, I’ve accomplished these things, I help these people”

Calvinist theology says No, your life has already been justified and you didn’t have anything to do with it. And now you live that out in gratitude and grace of others.

To sum all this up,

There’s a lot of Calvin’s thoughts here that I don’t think I agree with. I absolutely do not believe that evil things are determined or willed in any way by God -- but I do understand a little better the context that led Calvin to believing that.

I also only like a Predestination that argues that all humanity has been elected -- because “God shows no partiality” -- how or why would God only have chosen some of us sinners and not others? Is God arbitrary?

Still, I like how this theology of Predestination was part of Calvin’s attempts to do away with meritocracy. That’s something so many of us, especially people like me who are white and act like we are successful because of our own merit (we “pulled ourselves up by our own bootstraps” without regard for all the unearned privileges that support our economic well-being) could stand to learn. We don’t earn salvation -- it’s a gift. If we truly grasped that, we would be liberated from our sense of guilt and shame and from our pride.

But even though I get it a little better, I really hope that predestination does not show up on the exams next week.

#predestination #john calvin #free will #reformed theology #polity #notes #polity class #ordination exams

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thegirlwhocouldntsitdown-blog · 6 years ago

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12 months - I have lived in Los Angeles for A WHOLE YEAR?! (16.08.2018)

One year. Wow.

A year ago today, I left my family and 3 of my best friends at the airport and said goodbye, not knowing how long it would be until I saw them again.

I am incredibly lucky to have seen some of them in the time that I’ve been here - I can’t believe I have such incredible people in my life who love me enough to come all the way here and give me some cuddles. Those people truly don’t know how much that has impacted my time here. In certain moments, it’s been so goddamn difficult to be away from Melbourne. The food is better, the air is cleaner, the healthcare is FREE and GOOD, we have TRAMS AND TRAINS EVERYWHERE(!!!), my house has a BACK YARD, I lived 30 minutes from EVERYTHING. I never understood how lucky I was to grow up in the worlds most liveable city (apparently we were overthrown this week - not happy, Jan).

Honestly, I get when people from the U.S ask me “Why would you move here?! Australia is so much better!” They’re right. But, I cannot thank the people I’ve met here enough either. It turns out, being in a place doesn’t matter - it’s the people you meet there. I think I knew that to an extent, but knowing the amazing human beings I know is the best thing about my life. Both in LA and in Melbourne, I have communities of such immensely supportive, determined, understanding, encouraging, KIND KIND KIND friends and family. Lots of people tell me they could never move away from home like I have, and I absolutely get that. I really don’t think I could have if not for my loved ones - because I am who they’ve made me.

If not for their strength and guidance, I would have no one to tell me to keep trying. If not for their positivity and resilience, I would probably be hiding in bed. If not for their perseverance and diligence, I would probably break down every 10 minutes. Granted, I have done all of those things at certain times in my life - both in Melbourne and LA - but my family and friends are the reason I haven’t let those moments solidify me in a state of bitterness and stillness. They keep me moving, trying/failing/getting up again, believing in myself.

In the last month, I have had not a great time. I still haven’t found a job to keep me here and grant me an E3 visa. I have found out some pretty troubling information about my health (explained in the “Pain” section). I have found myself forgetting who I am and why I’m here. But these people - my friends at home who I haven’t seen in a whole year, my family who I talk to every day, my community of new and old pals here in LA - have reminded me that I am capable, I am smart and I am kind. These are three things that cannot be said about everyone, and holding on to them has made me feel a lot better about whatever may come in the future.

So, over the past month I’ve had a lot of lovely moments amidst the scary ones.

The Spy Who Dumped Me came out in cinemas. My name was on the screen in the credits and it was a big moment. I was so lucky to have my beautiful pals Kelsey, Shannon, Savannah and Nathalie with me to share that moment. Below is the cake from the release party, and me dressed as an “Australian tourist” in the movie (go see it to undertand.

Disneyland boi.

Kelsey has been such an incredible friend to me for the last five years and this month has been especially challenging for me, and she has been so goddamn wonderful and kind. I love her a lot and this is her with a bloody OSCAR and then us having some bevs.

BEACH DAY WITH PALS! Molly and Josh are here, I LOVE MY IMPROV PALS!!!

I never go clubbing anymore, but my pals Jordy and Kristen asked us to come out with them to a 90′s night in Silverlake at a place called The Satellite and it was THE MOST I’VE EVER DANCED OR SWEATED EVER AND IT WAS THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD IN A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE!

HANSON WAS PLAYING WHEN WE WALKED IN AND I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. ALSO THEY HAD “SO FETCH” BALLOONS AND I STOLE ONE AND DANCED WITH IT ALL NIGHT, HEHE.

My sweet Joeboy McGee turned 24 and I feel so grateful to have spent the second birthday in 3 years with him (on his 22nd birthday we saw stand up in NYC and got fancy pasta, it was beautiful). I love you so much, Joey. Thank the universe (and your amazing parents) for bringing you to life.

Sweet angel Tiana joined Molly and I in LA for a few days and it was like a mini Heralayan Salt Lamps reunion. They’re both hilarious and intelligent goddesses and I’m so glad I know them.

And right now, you ask? Well, today is just a normal day. I went to the gym and am about to go do a shift at Massage Envy. I can’t believe it’s been a year, and I’m so grateful to be able to say I’m living in Los Angeles.

TRAVEL: 5/10

While I’ve been winding down from having so many people visiting, I’m also really anxious about the whole “when am I coming home?” thing. Basically, I can’t know when I come home until I do or don’t get a job.

My visa ends at the end of September, so if by this time next month, I still don’t have a job, I’ll be coming home for 3-4 weeks to visit, then returning to LA until I run out of money/my lease is up (mid December). If that happens, then I’ll be back home until I can figure out a way to come back and continue working in film and television. If I DO find a job in the next month, however, I will have to come home for 2 weeks to get my visa reinstated, in which case I’ll be back to LA as soon as I can be, and then return home for Christmas/New Years/Elyse’s wedding in late December/early January.

Apart from that, I’ve been going to the beach a lot and trying to just enjoy being here. I have a nice tan!

PAIN: 2/10

At the eye appointment with my parents, after 6 hours of weird tests and scary waiting periods, I was asked to come back to do another scary test - nay, the SCARIEST test. I had to have an ERG (info here), which is basically a test to see if there’s something wrong with my retina. After that, it determined my eyes were aye okay (yay!) but something weird has still been happening. I am currently awaiting an MRI of the brain, because the specialist believes I have “pseudotumor cerebri” (info here) . Basically, they think there’s excess fluid on my brain which causes pressure on your optic nerve, causing your vision to change and excess headaches. I genuinely thought everyone got headaches every day and that my sinuses were just weird (which is true, they’re weird), but there may be something more serious going on. It’s not a life threatening condition, but if it’s severe enough, there can some times be draining of the brain needed and even sometimes surgery. My vision isn’t changing too much, the only reason I noticed the changes was because I was on the look out for them since starting my arthritis drug, Plaquenil - I stopped taking it in April because I noticed these vision changes from February.

I’m really scared because if the MRI doesn’t give us enough info, the doctor will have to order a spinal tap (no, not the mockumentary - although this news DID turn my anxiety “up to 11″). Now, I’ve had multiple epidurals and minor back surgery, so I’m not too afraid of a spinal tap, but I AM afraid of the fact that my insurance here runs out on the 30th of September. This may be a reason I have to come home and stay home, and that terrifies me beyond anything else. I don’t want to have my body turn on me again like it has with my arthritis and my back pain. I do so much to keep myself healthy and to give my body the rest it needs, but if I have to put my future on hold for my health, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to handle that fact without becoming a miserable wreck. All I can do for now is hope it’s nothing too serious and I can get it sorted out soon. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

COMEDY: 7/10

This weekend Joey, Jordy and I will debut our threeprov improv team on a goddamn PARTY BUS for the LA Indie Improv Festival. I haven’t been writing at all for a very long time and that has been a big part of my recent slump, but in the last few days I’ve had a wave of ideas and energy come back to me and I really feel so excited to dig into something. I love making stuff.

On the downside, I have been extremely anxious about if I will be able to continue working here. I know that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, but for a while I’ve felt so so pessimistic and afraid of going home and not being able to continue towards my goals. All I’ve ever wanted to do since I knew what a joke was was be in comedy and work in TV - there’s nothing I love more (except my family, I know, I know). Yesterday, I had a meeting with a woman a friend set me up with. Both the woman and my friend who introduced us are both incredibly successful, kind, funny and passionate women. One of them said to me a few years ago:

“All you need to do to be a writer is two things: 1. Keep writing, don’t give up. 2. Don’t be a dick.”

Yesterday, in my conversation with her friend, she told me two things: “1. Stop worrying. 2. Be nice to people 3. Work fucking hard. 4. STOP. WORRYING”

It was the most relieving thing to be told by two different women, who are slightly older and wiser than me, who have been exactly where I am now, that I will be okay. They both believe in my ability and my personality and my work ethic, and that proves more than they realise it does. I have this incredible network of strong, generous, talented women around me - both here and in LA - who believe in me. So if these highly skilled and experienced people do, why shouldn’t I?

I’ll get there, even if a fucking visa or a few thousand health issues get in my way. It’s what I was born to do.

A year has passed and I’m a bit different, but I’m pretty much the same. The only difference may be that I know what I’m worth now. Oh, and I know how to grow string beans!

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felicia-cat-hardy · 3 years ago

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If You’re Unsure Of Your Relationship, Ask Yourself These 21 Questions To Get Sudden Clarity

It’s only natural to occasionally feel unsure about your relationship. It’ll most certainly happen in the early days of dating when you’re still deciding if you’re right for one another. But it can also happen months or years down the line where one day you wake up and ask yourself, “Am I truly happy?”

While it can come as a shock, it certainly isn’t a question you’ll want to ignore. In fact, “you should use the doubts and/or negative feelings you are having as a signpost indicating the need to take a pause and reflect,” Kate Engler, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, echoes this. "If you are feeling uncertainty about a relationship, it’s important that you address the reasons for those feelings," he tells Bustle. "Usually, it’s your gut telling you that there are unresolved problems."

Once you take a closer look and ask yourself a couple of questions, you may uncover why you aren’t feeling totally sure about your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner need to learn how to communicate, find better ways to compromise, or offer each other more support. If you have an honest heart-to-heart and notice serious change, the doubt can fall away with time.

That said, you might realize that you feel unsure about your relationship because there are deep, unfixable problems, a lack of compatibility, or other toxic traits that you don’t want to live with anymore. And that’s OK. To determine the future of your relationship, take a step back and ask yourself a few of the questions below, which experts say may help you gain more clarity about the future of your relationship.

“How often do I feel this way?”

If you currently feel unsure about your relationship, start by asking yourself how often doubt creeps into your head, Engler says.

Is it a fleeting thought on a random Tuesday afternoon? Are you having a moment of doubt following a big argument? Or do you lie awake night after night wondering if your partner is the right person for you?

Since absolutely no relationship is perfect, you can expect to have a doubt or two on occasion — especially during tough times. But if you’re constantly weighing pros and cons it likely means you aren’t fully comfortable, and that you may be happier moving on.

“Have I noticed a pattern?”

To go one step deeper, ask yourself if there’s a pattern attached to these feelings of doubt. If you’re going through a tough time at work, for example, you may notice that you have a shorter temper around your partner.

In that case, it may mean that outside stressors are having an impact on your relationship, but that the relationship itself isn’t the problem. To test it out, find ways to practice empathy around each other and see if it helps you feel more connected.

“Are we working on relationship problems together?”

If you want a healthy relationship, it’ll require both you and your partner to put in the same amount of effort. So take note if it seems like you’re the only one who cares to make an effort, address problems, and find solutions.

“If you have brought up issues to your partner and they have ignored, dismissed, gaslighted, or shut it down over and over again, this is an indicator that they are not interested in owning their part or working to fix things,” Engler says. “Many, many issues can be resolved when everyone participates. When this isn't what's happening, the long-term prognosis for the relationship isn't very promising.”

“Is this relationship exactly like all my past relationships?”

If you notice that you’ve been repeating old relationship patterns with your new partner, “it is most likely an enactment of something else in your earlier life,” Engler says. “In that case, it would be best to explore things that might be going on within you before making a firm decision about the relationship.”

This is especially true if your partner and your relationship seems really “good on paper” — meaning your partner is loving, supportive, committed, etc. — and yet you still can’t shake the feeling that sometimes is wrong.

It may help to get an outside perspective, whether it’s from a friend, your mom, or a therapist. Talk about your doubts while including an honest take on your partner. “You may still end it,” Engler says, but you also might realize you just needed to work on healing old hurts in order to be fully happy.

"Do I feel safe and cared for?”

"This question is meant to identify any dealbreakers or unacceptable behavior," Lesli Doares, a couples consultant and coach, tells Bustle. Be honest with yourself about things that go wrong, poor treatment, tension, or anything else that puts you on edge — even if it doesn’t happen every day. "Any behavior that gives you qualms needs to be acknowledged and addressed," she says. "It won’t magically get better."

Point out issues to your partner and talk about what needs to change in order for you to feel secure. If they’re willing to change, the relationship may be salvageable.

“Are we both willing to compromise?”

Being in a relationship means you need to find ways to compromise as a couple on things both big and small. If your partner is willing to meet you halfway, cool. But if you’ve talked about an ongoing issue, and your partner dismisses it or shows no signs of changes, Doares says this may not be the best relationship for you.

The right relationship won’t include ultimatums or guilt. Neither of you will feel like you have to change who you are or go against your morals in order to make it work. If you don’t want to meet in the middle, or there’s an entire laundry list of compromises that need to be made, it simply means you aren’t a good match.

“Does my partner have my back no matter what?”

“You want to be able to identify if the person can support you in the way you need to be supported,” Meredith Prescott, LCSW, a psychotherapist, tells Bustle. So take a second to think if that’s the case in your relationship. If your partner has your back when times are tough, if they support your goals, and if they’re attuned to your emotional well-being, you likely have a good thing going.

"Is my relationship negatively impacting my self-esteem?”

Ask yourself a few questions about your overall self-esteem as it relates to your partner and your relationship. "Answering this question will help you recognize the impact of your relationship on your self-worth and self-esteem," relationship coach Melissa M. Snow tells Bustle.

Do you feel good about yourself in their presence? If you answered yes, Snow says you may decide this is something you want to continue.

“Is my relationship holding me back?”

In a healthy relationship, both partners will feel like they are still individuals who are capable of growing and changing, not only because there's room to do so, but because they both offer each other support.

"The right person will support your growth and your goals and want to do everything they can to help you succeed," Snow says. "If they don't, they likely don't have your best interests in mind."

"Can I accept our differences?”

That said, not everything ends in compromise. “Considering what is changeable, what is not changeable, what we can tolerate, and what we cannot tolerate, are all important questions to ask when considering whether someone is a good match,” Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor, tells Bustle.

When it comes to things they can’t change — like personality traits or quirks — ask yourself, “Can I love them as they are?” It’ll be necessary to accept each other without holding a grudge or secretly hoping a miraculous change will occur.

You want to be able to laugh about each other’s quirks and love each other in spite of your “flaws.” If that isn’t possible more doubt — and eventual resentment — will build.

“Do all our biggest goals align?”

If you're on the fence, it might be because a few major questions have yet to be answered, such as whether or not you want kids, if you plan to get married, if you want to move far away, and so on. "Too often people ignore these questions and think love will figure them out," life coach Dr. Benjamin Ritter tells Bustle. But the reality is you need to talk about these things early and often. If you don’t agree on the big stuff related to family and general life direction, you’ll have your answer.

“Am I excited to see my partner?”

While you can’t expect to be elated to see each other 24/7, there should be a general sense of happiness whenever you meet up.

"Does the thought of your partner bring a smile to your face? If the answer is yes, fantastic,” relationship coach Ann Ball, tells Bustle. “If the answer is no, there's still a shot you can make it work, but you'll want to find a counselor to help guide you through."

“What does a happy relationship look like to me?”

Ask yourself what your ideal relationship looks like — including which values you'd like your partner to have, how you want to feel on a daily basis, what you want the future to look like, and so on — and see how close you got.

"Asking yourself this question will force you to think about the traits you want in a relationship and see how yours measures up," says Bennett. If they’re far from hitting the mark, and show no signs of improving, you may have your answer.

"Where do I see myself in a year?”

Imagine where you'd like to be a year from now. How do you want your life to look? "Asking this question allows you to focus on your own needs and goals," Bennett says. "If you ask this question and don’t see your partner playing a major role in your life a year down the line, then the relationship probably isn’t worth keeping."

"Am I willing to change?”

Of course, you'll also want to take your own flexibility into account. "If you aren’t willing to make room for your partner and their needs, the relationship will not be a good one," Doares says. And in that case, it may be best to move on.

“Why have I stayed this long?”

Whether you've been in the relationship for a month, a year, or 10 years, go ahead and ask yourself why you've stuck it out this long, Snow says. Is it because you are scared to be alone? Afraid to get out of your comfort zone? Or because you’re actually quite happy? If the relationship feels fulfilling and worth it, that's great. But if you're only staying out of habit, you may want to start looking for better reasons.

“Do we have a similar approach to life?”

You don't have to be with someone whose habits perfectly match up with your own, but you do want to see eye-to-eye when it comes to the big stuff, such as how you handle money, make decisions, and socialize.

As Dr. Ritter says, "These areas of your life can [...] cause large amounts of conflict if there are not similarities or ways to communicate and manage differences."

"Am I happy?”

While you can't expect your relationship to be sunny and rosy 100 percent of the time, the overall vibe should be one that makes you feel good.

"Seems obvious, but most people get caught up in the day-to-day of life and forget to think about themselves," RMT Certified Coach Ann Ball, tells Bustle. "Are you finding joy in your life? Does your partner contribute to your joy? Can you rekindle the flame?"

"Do we have a similar approach to life?”

As Dr. Ritter says, "These areas of your life can [...] cause large amounts of conflict if there are not similarities or ways to communicate and manage differences."

"Do I like how we communicate?”

"If your needs are not met now and there are not any conversations happening about them, then it will be difficult to suddenly make those changes in the future," licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Molly Giorgio tells Bustle.

So take note if your partner doesn't listen, can't communicate, or refuses to share their feelings. If that's the case, it may be best to go your separate ways.

“Do I like who I am around my partner?”

Most important of all is whether or not you like yourself in your relationship. If it’s right for you, you’ll feel secure, grounded, and ready to take on the world as a couple. You’ll be happy and light and excited. Your partner won’t hold you back but instead will boost you up and vice versa. If it isn’t right, you’ll notice that you’re always angry, defensive, that you tune out, and that you don’t feel heard or understood. However difficult it might be, that’ll be your sign it’s time to move on.

Sources:

Kate Engler, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Lesli Doares, couples consultant and coach

Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor

Melissa M. Snow, relationship coach

Meredith Prescott, LCSW, psychotherapist

Dr. Benjamin Ritter,, life coach

Ann Ball, relationship coach

Dr. Molly Giorgio, licensed clinical psychologist

Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert

Get Relationship Advice Here

0 notes

hoynovoy · 3 years ago

Text

If You’re Unsure Of Your Relationship, Ask Yourself These 21 Questions To Get Sudden Clarity

“How often do I feel this way?”

If you currently feel unsure about your relationship, start by asking yourself how often doubt creeps into your head, Engler says.

“Have I noticed a pattern?”

“Are we working on relationship problems together?”

“Is this relationship exactly like all my past relationships?”

"Do I feel safe and cared for?”

Point out issues to your partner and talk about what needs to change in order for you to feel secure. If they’re willing to change, the relationship may be salvageable.

“Are we both willing to compromise?”

“Does my partner have my back no matter what?”

"Is my relationship negatively impacting my self-esteem?”

Do you feel good about yourself in their presence? If you answered yes, Snow says you may decide this is something you want to continue.

“Is my relationship holding me back?”

"The right person will support your growth and your goals and want to do everything they can to help you succeed," Snow says. "If they don't, they likely don't have your best interests in mind."

"Can I accept our differences?”

You want to be able to laugh about each other’s quirks and love each other in spite of your “flaws.” If that isn’t possible more doubt — and eventual resentment — will build.

“Do all our biggest goals align?”

“Am I excited to see my partner?”

While you can’t expect to be elated to see each other 24/7, there should be a general sense of happiness whenever you meet up.

“What does a happy relationship look like to me?”

"Where do I see myself in a year?”

"Am I willing to change?”

“Why have I stayed this long?”

“Do we have a similar approach to life?”

As Dr. Ritter says, "These areas of your life can [...] cause large amounts of conflict if there are not similarities or ways to communicate and manage differences."

"Am I happy?”

While you can't expect your relationship to be sunny and rosy 100 percent of the time, the overall vibe should be one that makes you feel good.

"Do we have a similar approach to life?”

As Dr. Ritter says, "These areas of your life can [...] cause large amounts of conflict if there are not similarities or ways to communicate and manage differences."

"Do I like how we communicate?”

So take note if your partner doesn't listen, can't communicate, or refuses to share their feelings. If that's the case, it may be best to go your separate ways.

“Do I like who I am around my partner?”

Sources:

Kate Engler, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Lesli Doares, couples consultant and coach

Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor

Melissa M. Snow, relationship coach

Meredith Prescott, LCSW, psychotherapist

Dr. Benjamin Ritter,, life coach

Ann Ball, relationship coach

Dr. Molly Giorgio, licensed clinical psychologist

Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert

Get More Dating Advice Here

0 notes

lolainblue · 7 years ago

Text

Thunderbirds -- Chapter 47

Jared didn't let me sleep much that night, keeping his promise to make sure he made it a night to remember. Sunrise found us spooned together, Jared pressed into my back, my hand gripping his thigh as he nuzzled my neck and moved inside me. He had thrown his arm over mine, securing it in place, and he trailed his fingers to my wet and swollen sex. He strummed against my clit as I squirmed, pinned in place and at the mercy of his clever fingers, whimpering as I fell over the edge again. I had learned quickly that in addition to his considerable appetite and impressive stamina, Jared liked to absolutely be in charge. He would indulge my aggressiveness for brief moments, amused at my own hunger, before asserting himself again, claiming me with hands and teeth, teasing me until I surrendered to him again. It was a small war we played out over and over in that bed. It surprised me how much I wanted and enjoyed it. How much I needed it.

When we finished I grabbed my things and headed for the shower. I half expected Jared to join me but I was glad when he didn't. I needed a little personal time to clear my head. I didn't regret the choice I had made in sleeping with him, but I was realizing that even if it never happened again I had just further complicated everything. I felt like I had been participating in slow motion train wreck for the last year, and that every time I thought it was over one more car tipped off the rails. I was running out of cars. I was pretty sure I was at the caboose by now.

Jared smiled at me when I came out of the bathroom, giving me a quick kiss before popping in there himself. I didn't have a lot of things, I had left most of my bags in the car since this was a one night stop, but I needed to get everything together so I could check out before Shannon got up. As soon as I was dressed I found my room key from where Tomo and Jared had left it last night and hurried back to my own room to make sure they hadn't missed anything. All that was left was a t-shirt tucked under a pillow. They had done a pretty good job. When I got back upstairs I realized I hadn't grabbed the key to Jared's room and I knocked, hoping he was out of the shower. My stomach turned over sickeningly at the thought of Shannon possibly coming out of his room to catch me there but Jared was quick to respond, opening the door with a towel around his waist, and I ducked past him quickly to escape the exposure of the hallway.

“We need to get you checked out soon before anyone else is up. I know you're not ready to run into Shannon,” Jared said as he dried his hair. I shook my head in response, packing the shirt I had retrieved and checking for any more lost articles. “Give me just a minute to pull some clothes on and I'll help you out to your car.”

I waited anxiously as he finished dressing. It was still pretty early and they didn't have far to go for the show today so I figured everyone but the roadies would be getting some extra sleep this morning. I watched Jared as he pulled on some jeans, fastening them across that fit stomach of his, taking in that sculpted landscape on more time. I felt strangely ambiguous about all of it. He had been an amazing distraction, the sex had been incredible, but it was a band-aid on a bullet wound. I was still bleeding self-esteem, the flow still relatively unstaunched, and the color was going out of my world again, flattening it and making it gray. I didn't know how I was going to get through this but I just planned to keep on putting one foot forward until something presented itself.

Jared stood with me at the desk as I checked out, rubbing those small circles on my back again. I let my head fall to his shoulder, there was something warm and comforting in him and I needed that now more than ever. I was with Roger in the “I cannot explain to you enough how much I don't want Jared to be my boyfriend” camp, there were simply too many hurdles for that to be any kind of a good option, not that he was offering anyway. Not now at least. But I did think, however, that maybe he wouldn't have been the worst option in the world, under better circumstances. He had a lot of good qualities, but just like everyone in my life right now, myself included, he had some work on himself that needed to get done before he would be a good partner to anyone.

He took my hand as we walked out to the car, the early morning still hazy. As we rounded the corner to where I was parked my chest seized up and I immediately dropped Jared's hand as I heard him whisper “Oh, fuck.” from his spot beside me.

Shannon was sitting on the pavement next to my rental SUV. Judging by the condition he was in and the collection of cigarette butts that surrounded him he had been there for quite a while. I felt Jared's hand on my shoulder and he leaned to whisper in my ear. “It will be okay,” he reassured me, but I hadn't taken my eyes off Shannon. I couldn't turn my head. I could feel a panic starting but I told myself this wasn't the time. I didn't want him to see how much he had hurt me. I didn't want him to know how much power he had. I took a deep breath and continued to the car, Shannon finally noticing us as we finished our approach.

Once he saw me he quickly jumped up from his seat on the ground. He dusted himself off and glanced in Jared's direction briefly before returning his gaze to me. He didn't seem to think anything was amiss there, assuming I guess that Jared had merely offered to help me load my things back into the car. I opened the rear gate and Jared began putting my bags in while I walked around to the driver's side door.

“Janey, please give me a minute before you go," Shannon pleaded, sprinting after me.

“I don't want to talk to you, Shannon," I said with a sigh, keeping my eyes resolutely on the vehicle in front of me and not Shannon.

“I know, and you have every right to be mad at me....”

“You're damn right I do...” I agreed

“...but I'm afraid if you leave now I am never going to see you again.”

I rolled my eyes. "That's the idea anyway.”

I heard Shannon take a few deep breaths. I felt frozen in place, unable to turn to confront him, unable to open the car and leave. He continued his pleas. “Please, I just want to work this out. I will straighten out, I promise. Please give me a second chance.”

He couldn't be serious. Anger got the best of me and I turned around, trying very hard not notice how puffy his hazel eyes were. “This was your second chance. Remember? You already made me these promises. I believed you once. I'm not stupid enough to do it again.”

“Please, Jane. I love you and I know you love me...” the look on his face was sincere. I think he truly meant it. It just didn't matter anymore.

“And look how you used that against me! Did you think I was just going to look the other way? That'd you'd shed a few tears and I'd take you back?”

“It's not like that, Jane, I swear. I didn't mean for it to be this way. But once I started, it just seemed easier and easier...”

“Oh my god, Shannon!" I couldn't help how loud and shrill my voice was getting. I didn't fail to notice Jared looking around nervously, hoping we weren't attracting any attention. "Do you even fucking hear yourself? Well, once you've screwed one strange girl, why not just keep on going....”

“It's not fucking like that! I hate myself for being this way!”

“Yeah well, that makes two of us.”

“Jane, please. No one has ever looked at me like you do...

“And I never will again.” I knew that was one of the most hurtful things I could say to him. It tasted delicious coming out of my mouth. It still didn't stop the tears from making another appearance. I couldn't look at him without knowing what he had done. I wanted him back so bad it was killing me, but as much as he looked like the Shannon I had been so in love with, I knew that Shannon was a lie, that he had never existed at all. The man in front of me was a stranger, a stranger who had stolen something precious from me. I was a twisted mass of rage and grief, and the longer I looked at Shannon, the more overwhelmed I became. I felt dizzy, and as I gulped in air and tried to steady myself Shannon stepped toward me. “Don't! Don't you fucking dare try to touch me!” I shouted, holding my hand up to him.

“Jane...” Shannon protested, reaching for me as he continued to step forward. Then suddenly Jared was between us, facing me, smiling reassuringly and taking my elbow. “Fucking stay out of this, Jay,” I heard Shannon grumble.

Jared looked over his shoulder, then looked back at me. He gave me a conspiratorial smile and then grabbed my waist, turning me, flattening my back against the cool car exterior as he moved in for a kiss. I was too stunned to stop him, too mesmerized by the playful sparkle in his eyes. Of course, I responded immediately, my body remembering the heights of ecstasy he had driven me to the previous night, and I sighed and parted my lips, my hands finding his waist and pulling him even tighter against me. He brought a little warmth, a little groundedness back to me and the sigh I made as he pulled away was even more audible than the one I had made when the kiss began. Any respite from the ugly reality of my life was short-lived, however.

“What the fuck is this?” Shannon demanded.

“None of your goddamn business,” I pointed out, never taking my eyes off Jared. I knew if I looked at Shannon again I would collapse. I was sure Jared knew it too. That was why he had kissed me.

“Bullshit it is none of my goddamn business!” Shannon growled. He shoved Jared's shoulder. “You just couldn't fucking wait to get your hands on her, could you? Didn't even give me a chance to try to fix anything!”

“There is nothing that you can fix,” I pointed out.

“You finally got what you wanted, didn't you?” I keep my eyes straight ahead but I knew that comment was for me. “It was always Jared you were really after. You talk a good game but the minute you had a chance you ran straight into his arms didn't you?”

I took a deep breath, summoned what strength I had left, and turned to Shannon. “I loved you. I trusted you. I gave you everything and I didn't hold back and it wasn't a lie. If that's gone now that's on you. If you have no say in what I do now, that's on you. If Jared had a chance with me, it's because you fucked that all up, so that's on you too. There is no one to blame for anything that is happening now but yourself.”

“Yeah, I forced you to fuck him. And I know you did, it's written all over our face so don't try to deny it. You don't have a fight with someone you claim to love that much and then turn around and fuck their brother.”

“We didn't have a fucking fight, Shannon! You cheated on me! Repeatedly! Instant deal breaker! It is done between us. It doesn't matter what I do now, it's over. Everything is broken and you're the one that broke it.” I shouted.

“Shannon you need to go back to your room,” Jared said firmly. “Jane doesn't want to talk to you right now.”

“No, you just want to shut me up before I tell Jane what's really happening here.”

That slow-motion train wreck feeling returned and I swallowed hard as I looked for the proverbial handrail. If this, the last car, was going to jump the tracks, I was done. My mouth was dry as I asked, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Shannon laughed bitterly. “He's just playing you, Jane. He does it all the time. Sad girls are his favorite.”

“Shut up, Shannon,” Jared hissed. “You have no idea what you are talking about here.”

“I'm not surprised you took advantage of her, you do it to women all the time. I can't believe you'd do this to me though!” Shannon put his hands on Jared's chest and gave him and shove. He stumbled backward but instead of fighting back he turned to me.

“Please, Jane, don't listen to him. Everything I said to you last night was true. I swear.”

There it was again, that sick feeling in my stomach, that ache in my chest. I knew Shannon had every reason to try to keep me away from Jared. I also knew I had been drunk and vulnerable, and it was only then that Jared had shown any interest in me at all. Well, since I first met him anyway. I felt stupid and used. But as I looked from Shannon to Jared a numbness fell over me, like someone pouring a bucket of ice water over my head. There were just two men, standing in a hotel parking lot, men I didn't even know. I decided I didn't care what was going on here. I wasn't about to trust either of them. I was done trusting anyone. I quickly unlocked the car and climbed inside.

Jared pounded on the window, calling my name, but I was done, the ice water filling my veins as I continued through the slow-motion catastrophe. I dropped my purse on the seat beside me, buckled up and started the car. I could see Shannon pacing back and forth in the empty parking space next to me. When I put the car into gear Jared threw up his hands, stepping back enough not to get his feet ran over, but he still called after me as I backed out of the space. I was strangely calm, like none of this was even happening to me, and I watched dispassionately as they and the hotel disappeared from the view in my mirror. I had no idea what I was doing, what direction to drive in, where to go. I made it six blocks before I had to pull into the parking lot of a Carl's Jr. and catch my breath. The minute I was off the road everything switched and the tears came again, flooding my vision, and I was too beaten now to fight them off.

I sat in that parking lot for twenty minutes, my knees pulled up against my chest as I gripped them tightly and sobbed my heart out. I couldn't keep driving but it didn't matter anyway. I had nowhere to go. My remaining plans for this trip were built around following Shannon. If I wanted to rebook my flight that just took me back to New York, and Roger, and I didn't feel like I lived there anymore either. As Roger had pointed out, I had been pulling back from people for years. I had no real friends left. I had no one to turn to, the only place I had to go now was a childhood home with elderly parents who would not understand what was going on and didn't need this level of worry. I was alone in a rental car in the parking lot of a burger joint in Irvine, California, pretty sure I was having some sort of nervous breakdown, trying to wipe the snot off my face with a tired napkin I found in the glove compartment, left behind by god only knows who. It was thin and cheap, the kind that came out of those little dispensers on restaurant tables. The kind they use in diners.

Suddenly I knew where to go.

Twenty minutes after I had left the hotel my phone began blowing up. A quick glance at the screen told me it was Roger. I assumed that Jared called him after the clusterfuck in the parking lot. After the third call, I selected answer, screamed “FUCK YOU!!!!” at the top of my lungs and hung up again. He didn't get to turn his back on me while I swam into shark-infested waters and then show up with band-aids after I'd had my foot bitten off.

The phone rang several more times as I drove, once from Jared and once from Shannon, and I marveled at their nerve. I needed to get away from all of them, it felt like they were poisoning me. I started to think like a fugitive. I stopped at a bank and made a large withdrawal, carefully stashing the cash away. I figured they already knew I was in the Los Angeles area, so I didn't need to worry about leaving a trail quite yet. I'd decide the rest once I got to the diner. I considered throwing my phone out but I had elderly parents to worry about. I needed to be able to get in touch with them. Maybe I'd get one of those burner phones they were always talking about on crime shows. I'd figure it out as I went.

It took about an hour of driving around but I finally found myself in front of the diner. It looked exactly the same as it had seven years ago. I parked and checked my face in the mirror, and though I looked a mess I didn't look like I was going to collapse in that moment so I figured it would have to do. I grabbed my messenger bag and went inside.

The booth I wanted was taken, so I had a seat at the counter, ordering a Coke and fries that I knew I would never be able to eat. I poked at them and swirled my drink, trying to look normal, dabbing my eyes with a quickly growing pile of napkins when I thought no one was looking, my head racing with the events of the last 24 hours, until the couple that had been occupying the booth I had been waiting for, our booth, left. I quickly got up and carried my drink and fries over, not even waiting for the table to be bused. I pressed myself into the corner, taking out notebooks, positioning my drink and fries carefully, tears starting to spill down my face again.

The busboy came to clear the table, a teenager with a face like a 50's sitcom, and he looked at my teary expression with concern. “Hey lady, are you okay?” he asked as he wiped the table down around my belongings. I nodded and then shook my head, the mixed signals making him crease his forehead and pause.

“Does Maxine still work here?” I asked hopefully.

“I'm sorry, ma'am I don't know who that is,” he replied.

I shrugged. “That's okay,” I sobbed, fresh tears splashing onto my arms. He looked like most teenage boys who were faced with a crying woman looked -- panicked.

“Mike the cook has been here forever. I'll ask him,” he said before hurrying away. I dried my face and opened a notebook. I still didn't know what I was doing exactly. I was hoping if I sat here long enough something would happen, something would occur to me. It had happened once before. I need another lightning strike.

Mike popped out of the kitchen before long, the smile on his face melting when he saw me. I dried my eyes again, trying to look as stable as possible but I knew I was kidding no one. “David says you were asking after Maxine?” he questioned.

I nodded. “I used to come in here and she was always so nice to me...” I blubbered out. I had given up trying to look calm. I was failing miserably.

Mike's voice was soft when he answered. “She retired a couple years ago. Moved out to the valley to help out with her granddaughter.”

I nodded. Somehow I had never pictured Maxine as anyone's mom, as a real person at all. She was still the angel from my story. “Thank you,” I said.

“You okay, hon? Can I call anyone for you?”

I shook my head quickly. “No. I'll be okay. I have money if that's what you're worried about. I can pay for my food...”

“I'm sure you can. I didn't mean anything by it. I've just... I've got a daughter and I'd hate to think that if she was in trouble no one would help her. You look like you're in trouble.”

I shook my head. “Not like that. I just need somewhere to figure things out.”

Mike nodded. “Okay. But if you change your mind, you tell them to come get Mike out of the kitchen, okay?”

I nodded again and thanked him. I wondered if this whole diner was populated by angels.

I stared at the notebook in front of me for a while, ignoring the buzzing of my phone. I tried to make myself think of something else, to maybe figure out my next move but I just wasn't ready. I was still grieving Shannon and processing what was happening between Roger and Jared and myself. Every time I would feel like I had my head wrapped around it I would remember something else and fall to pieces again.

I didn't touch my fries but I did go through the glass of Coke pretty quickly with all the crying I was doing. The waitress stopped by when it was empty, offering a refill and asking if I needed anything else. I felt like I should order something, I was hogging up her table, and the request was out of my mouth before I even thought about it. When she returned with the hot mug of coffee and the slice of chocolate pie I slid them across the table, positioning them carefully in the spot in front of me while my hands shook.

“Oh good, honey. You have someone coming in to meet you?” the waitress asked hopefully. I shook my head and she gave me a puzzled look but left it be. I made sure to slip her a generous tip when her shift ended, closing out my tab to start a new one when the next waitress came on, ordering more food I didn't touch and repeating the process with the night waitress came on. She didn't seem to be inclined to put up with my shenanigans so I collected my things and went to hide in the car.

I didn't know where I was going until I got there but I found myself in the parking lot of unremarkable apartment complex on Jamaica Street, staring at the stucco building and wondering just where in the hell it all went so wrong. I closed my eyes and I could see our place just as we left it, Roger placing my keys on the kitchen counter, Shannon holding the throw from our sofa, a skeleton assortment of furniture and odd and ends waiting for Jefferson to come and clear them out. I would trade anything to be in that crummy little apartment again, before my world burnt down. I climbed into the backseat and balled up some clothes under my head and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up early the next morning with the sun streaming into the car. I still had several more days left on the rental and no idea what I was doing next so I fished around for some clothes that didn't look too rumpled, changed right there in the parking lot and went back to the diner

I ordered more fries and another Coke, took my booth and got out my notebooks and this time my laptop. I had several spare batteries for the laptop but my phone needed a charge and so I plugged it in there before once again contemplating what to do with my life. My heart didn't feel any less broken. I didn't feel any less deceived or betrayed. There was no clarity emerging from the shadows, but I figured it didn't matter. I could keep waiting. Something would happen if I waited long enough.

My phone began to buzz again that afternoon and I looked at the screen to see that this time it was Mitch calling. Fucking Roger. I picked up the call.

“Janey? Hey, what's going on?” Mitch asked and I could hear the concern in his voice. I was so pissed. I wonder what Roger had told him.

“Oh, nothing much. Just met a band of aliens in the desert and we're waiting for the mothership to come back so we can blow this crappy planet,” I said sarcastically.

“Why aren't you speaking to Roger?” Mitch asked, ignoring my smart-assed remark completely.

“Why did Roger say I'm not speaking to him?” I retorted.

“Come on, Janey. People are worried about you. Roger is threatening to file a missing person's report. Where are you?”

“Right where I need to be right now. And if Roger was so concerned about where I might end up then maybe he shouldn't have ditched me 2500 miles from home.”

“Butch, come on. I know you haven't had the easiest year...”

“You don't know jack shit about my year,” I spat back. “Look. I'm a grown woman with a hefty bank account, a wallet full of credit cards and a passport. I am fine. I am going to be fine. When I want someone to know where I am I will tell you,” I added before disconnecting the call and slamming my phone down. I took a few a deep breaths. Then I thought about what I had said.

I was a writer. My next novel in this series was due in eight months but the publisher had already offered to extend the deadline owing to my head injury. I was already three-quarters of the way done with it so I didn't really think I needed the extension but it was nice to know it was an option. I could write from anywhere. I had been flying so I had my passport in my bag. I had cash and a few changes of clothes. I could go anywhere. I could disappear. I could start over.

I threw everything back in my bag, dropped a few hundred dollar bills on the table and walked out of the diner. I had made a mess of my life, and I stood idly by while other people made it into an even bigger one. I let myself drift on the ocean, rudderless, for far too long. I needed to pick myself back up. I needed to find myself and my direction again. And I didn't need other people to do it for me. To hell with all of them, with Shannon and Jared and Roger too. I would never trust another man. I would learn to be enough for myself.

I dropped the rental car at the airport and strolled through the concourse, perusing the departures board, weighing my options. My phone continued to buzz in my purse. I would have to do something about that later. I had no intention of speaking to anyone but Mitch and my parents from here on out. I chose a flight to somewhere I had never been before. I made the arrangements, stopped at the duty-free shop for supplies and bought a fresh notebook. In no time I was gazing out a first-class window, drink in my hand, while we taxied down the runway. As soon as we were in the air I laid the notebook out in front of me.

Shannon had stolen my heart years ago. I had let him. When I saw that he might be unworthy, I had tried to take it back, but one look in those golden eyes and my resolve had faded. I had let Jared sweep me away too, when I should have been wary, when I should have been looking out for myself. I had fallen for man after man who was not worthy of me. I had let people disappoint me. I had been let down by the one person I thought would always have my back. I had been naive, I had been dependent, I had been blind. I needed to work on myself. I needed to learn to be enough for myself. Shannon had once again taught me a lesson, one I didn't think he intended to, but one I had needed all the same. I looked at the blank sheet in front of me and wrote down the lyrics to the song that had been on repeat in my head the last two days.

All ye maidens, heed my warning

Never trust the hearts of men

They will crush you like a sparrow

Leaving you to never mend

They will vow to always love you

Swear no love but yours will do

Then they'll leave you for another

Break your little heart in two

On the opposite page I wrote:

18 August, 2003

Day One

I am free.

I would carry that notebook with me for the next four years. I would throw my phone into the sea in Mombasa. And though it would take years, even though I had vowed not to, I would eventually speak to all three of them again.

***************************************

A/N: This is the last chapter in this portion of Thunderbirds, but it not the end. We will eventually rejoin Jane and crew after a time jump. Thank you so much for reading and sticking with me this far!

@msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious @meghan12151977 @mustlove6277 @fyeahproudglambert@little-poptart @lady-grinning-soul-k@snewsome756

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redditnosleep · 7 years ago

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Past The Spine

by M59Gar

My friend Shannon had been through quite a bit in the past few years, and that was that only reason that I didn't immediately call the police when I stopped by her work and found her halfway through the process of climbing out of a recently deceased corpse.

She was drenched in blood, naked, and absolutely silent except for her exhausted breathing as she pulled herself up and out. The morgue around her was otherwise normal, and I saw no indication of how exactly she had fit inside the old man's body, but of course I was in shock. She had some towels ready nearby; I handed one to her as I turned respectfully away.

"Christ!" She jumped when she saw me standing there with the towel offered toward her, but took it quickly. "Shit, what did you see?"

I stared at the wall of cold chambers while she dried herself off behind me. "I don't know, Shannon, what the hell were you doing?"

"I'm not some kind of freak," she said immediately. "Please, just let me explain."

"Explain? What the hell could you possibly explain about this?" I put my shirt over my nose to block out the horrid smell of the open body, but it didn't work. I waited until she shoved her clothes on and finally turned around. "You missed some."

Her hair was still drenched in black, red, and yellow fluids, but the best she could do was to wrap a second towel around it. "Look. It's not some sort of fetish. There's something down there."

I fought down the urge to vomit as I looked into the frail old man's still-steaming body. His heart, lungs, stomach, pancreas, and intestines had all been coiled around in a haphazard circle covered in various oozes. "Down where?"

"In there." Her expression was haunted. "Past the spine."

"Is this a joke?" I couldn't believe it.

"No."

I took a step closer and tried to look down the middle of the circle of organs, but there wasn't any gap between them. "Then what do you mean? What's down there?"

She gulped unhappily. "I don't know exactly. A space."

Narrowing my eyes, I thought about what I'd seen. She hadn't slipped up out of the body sideways. She'd climbed straight up, as if out of a hole. The sight had been very disconcerting; it hadn't been geometrically possible, and my brain was still struggling to make sense of the memory. It was possible she was telling the truth, and there really was some sort of weird hole in this old guy's body. "You're serious?" I reached for a long metal tool on a tray nearby.

"That won't work," she said, stopping me. "It's made of metal, so it won't work. Only living things work. You can't even reach it wearing gloves. Has to be your bare hand, which is why I think nobody else has found this."

"Really." I sighed. It was definitely a prank, but I wasn't one to hesitate and get emotional. "Fine. Let's do this ridiculous nonsense." I took the last step, held my breath against the stench, and reached straight down. After pushing between squishy wet tissues and organs, my hand came to rest on the hard bones of the old man's spine. I looked to Shannon, but she wasn't laughing. "Past the spine?"

She nodded and gulped audibly.

As disgusting as it was, I was determined to see this strange situation through. I moved my hand to the side—and my fingers slipped deeper. "What the hell?" I frowned and leaned down closer to the corpse as my hand continued to push between what felt like a deep pile of squelching organs. I went down all the way to my shoulder until my short sleeve hit the inside of the old man's back-skin and refused to go further. "Oh my god, you're telling the truth!" I pulled my arm out as fast as I could and held it away to avoid the dripping juices I'd brought with me. My arm was covered in a distinctly thicker goo than the wet ring around my sleeve; whatever was down there, my non-living shirt had not been able to enter. "What is it?"

Shannon shook her head. "That's what I've been trying to figure out. After somebody dies, there's a short window where it, whatever it is, remains open."

I took another towel and wiped my arm off as best I could while trying not to gag. "Wait, do you mean it isn't just this particular body?"

"Yes." She went over and began sewing up the chest cavity. "I'm new here, but I accidentally discovered whatever it is on my second autopsy." She looked past me at the door. "My boss is never here and leaves me to do this on my own, so I've been trying to figure out what it is. I dropped vines down a few times, but they only work if they're still attached to the plant."

"Meaning still alive."

"Yeah. And only new corpses work. Ninety-six minutes or so after death, there's a weird tug, and then the vines are snapped off and I can't feel that weird space with my hand anymore. But I haven't been able to figure anything else out because technology won't go in."

It was disgusting, horrifying, and fascinating all at once. What could it possibly be? What could it possibly mean? "So you decided to go down there yourself."

She nodded. "I promise I'm not a weirdo. I just had to know. The thought has been tormenting me for months. What if that's where our soul is? Or what if it's an afterlife of some sort?" She looked away. "Or what if Brian's in there somewhere?"

That sounded like a problem. "Brian's dead, Shannon," I told her calmly. "You're not going to find him in whatever the hell that is."

Softly, she said, "You didn't see him die in front of you." She kept her gaze down to avoiding looking me in the eye. "The world is going crazy. There's hate and delusion everywhere. People need this now more than ever. If we could find out what happens after death, it could change everything."

What else could I say or do? She wasn't going to stop just because I said so. The most I could do was get her to agree to a certain set of precautionary conditions. She'd never gone more than a few moments deep simply because of sheer terror, but she would be safer if I was in the morgue to watch over her. We special-ordered the longest vine plant we could find and I waited for her call.

It came very late on a Tuesday. I spent six minutes getting there and bringing the plant; nobody else was around, and she already had the poor teenager cut open and ready, with a white blood-stained sheet over his head and legs. She disrobed, tied the vine around her left ankle, and then took a deep breath to calm herself. "There's at least thirty minutes left on this one," she told me.

I set my watch. "You've got seven minutes. No further. Just to be safe."

She nodded nervously and moved forward.

The sight of a person climbing head-first down into a steaming open chest cavity really cannot be conveyed in words. I'd popped nausea medicine on the way over, and I was glad I had. Her waist almost didn't fit, but I pushed her bare feet down, and she slid out of view between the organs, which congealed back into place once she was gone. The long vine began sliding down between, and I waited with a pounding heart.

What was she seeing? What was she doing down there? I was probably imagining it worse than it was, since she'd had space to turn around the previous time. My mind constructed a vision of a tight organic tunnel that might close like a muscle and crush her to death; or perhaps there was an enormous drop into a never-ending void. How could we possibly know until it was too late?

My watch counted down the seconds interminably. Four minutes passed, and then five. The vine was still being pulled in. At six minutes, it stopped, and I sighed with relief. That had to mean she was coming back.

But she did not emerge at seven minutes. The tension in my chest rose. At eight minutes, I began to pull the vine. It moved easily, and I figured I was pulling up slack—until a snapped end emerged. Panicking, I reached my hand down.

It was still there.

She hadn't been trapped. She'd just lost the vine at a weak point in the plant we hadn't caught.

I waited.

At ten minutes, I began to panic.

At eleven, I forced myself to focus.

At twelve, I knew for certain she was in trouble.

I paced around for a full thirty seconds before screaming at myself to stop wasting time. I tore off my watch and clothes, closed my eyes, and basically shoved my arms and head down into the swamp of blood and guts held open on the autopsy table. I found the teenager's spine and pushed my way past it; this time, I didn't stop.

It was easier than I expected. Despite the pressure from wet flesh on every side, I slid right in. The knot of vine tied around my ankle got caught on spine bones, but I reached back through the pile of organs and freed it with terrified fingers. It was only when I fell further and felt air on my face that I finally took in an explosive breath and opened my eyes.

The air was a thousand years beyond foul, but breathable, just like she'd told me. It smelled and felt like breathing in rotting corpse and dying diseased flesh as a veritable fog; a blood mist. The sight was similar. Shannon had also told me that the place had a dim crimson glow about it, omnipresent and without source, and by this light I saw choking miasma in two directions. Bloodless arteries opened to my left and right, neither big enough to fit a person until I pushed in and the muscle-bound walls relaxed to give me access. I followed the remains of her snapped vine.

More than anything, I wished I had clothes on. Every single surface was alive, pulsing with a distant heartbeat, and secreting dark substances that were strangely hot, cold, or even numbing to the touch. Being naked in an environment like that made me feel vulnerable in a way that brought out terror at every unexpected noise, sight, and texture. I cursed Shannon's decision-making more than a few times, that was for sure, but I wasn't going to let her die down here.

Her vine entered what looked like a hollow groove into a massive bone, and I was happy just to be on a solid surface as I crawled between increasingly narrow white walls lit in red. This tunnel had been carved; I could see that in the spiraling notches all around. Had the muscle-tunnels also been drilled out, but then later healed away the scars? It was as if some worm or parasite had dug its way through a dimension of flesh, and we were merely following in its ancient wake.

The smooth bone began to steepen, and I guessed that Shannon might have slipped and slid here. Carefully bracing myself on the spiral notches, I worked my way down the incline with my vine still tightly bound to my ankle.

And good I did. The bone-spiral tunnel ended at a steep fleshy drop-off. Shannon was there below, clinging to a solid white spur. I was still inside the bone itself, so I could only see down, but I carefully moved to reach her hand with mine.

She stared up at me with horror in her eyes. Her voice was odd, distant, and distorted by the rot-congested air. "Don't look out!"

"What do you mean?" I called to her. As I leaned out of the bone, the view away from the wall of flesh below began to open up. I'd finally reached an open place rather than a tunnel, and I could sense that if I turned my head I would see a tremendous vista. It was the same sense I'd had a few times in my life while riding a ski lift or walking past a window on a plane. All I had to do was glance—

She screamed again: "Don't look!"

For once in my life, I listened to someone else. I didn't look.

Our hands met, but both were slippery. I tried to rub the liquids off on my skin, but that didn't work. Everything was wet and disgusting.

I leaned down further and offered an elbow. "Wrap your entire arm around my elbow!" I shouted; the act made the world beyond us open up a little bit more, and I could feel horrific sights beginning to piece themselves together in the corners of my eye. I couldn't quite tell what was happening out there, but if I so much as darted my gaze—

She grabbed my arm and screamed in my ear: "Don't look! Don't you look, µ¬ßµ damnit!"

What had that been? She'd said a word, but the meaning and intonations had been alien to my mind. By the look on her face, she'd heard it, too.

I pulled her up with all my might, and the nightmare world outside our bone-tunnel receded.

Together, we climbed our way back up the spiral carvings, then crawled as fast as we could along bleeding muscle. The living world around did not seem to react to us or care about us in anyway. For some reason, I'd expected anger or hunger or at least something. If it was alive, if it was conscious, if it was sentient, we were nothing at all to it.

We reached the point where the vine rose up into a seething mass of dark organs, and I pushed her up ahead of me.

Then, for some reason, I turned and looked down the other direction; the way I had not gone when I'd first arrived.

The crimson-lit silhouette of a vaguely teenaged boy sat curled up and crying at a curve in the tunnel.

He raised his head, as if he could somehow sense my looking at him. He began to crawl forward. "Help me!"

Frozen and aghast, I waited.

"Help me!" he screamed again as he came nearer. "Oh, µ¬ßµ, what's happening? I was in the car, and there was this loud crunch, and I hit my head, and I thought for sure I—" He paused at hearing his own words. "µ¬ßµ? What is that? Why can't I say µ¬ßµ? Oh µ¬ßµ! No! Why? No!" He looked at me from two arm lengths a way. "Are we in Hell?"

I didn't know what to tell him. I'd never seen such agony and loss in another human being's body language before—and he still didn't know the truth. I gulped down my paralysis. "Can you... see me?"

He nodded. "Help me."

What could I tell him? I chose my words carefully. "I don't think I can."

"Why?" He whimpered so sadly I thought it would break my heart. "Why can't you help me?"

"You..." I shook with a portion of the pain I was about to give him. "...you don't have a face."

He just sat there sobbing as I leapt up and climbed. I knew the sound of that hopelessness would haunt me for the rest of my life. It was unlike anything a human being on Earth could make, for it was absolute, and it was forever.

I pushed up out of the corpse on the table and crashed my way to the cold, hard, dry floor. The impact hurt, but nothing had ever felt so safe and secure.

Shannon sat curled up in a corner, much like the boy I'd seen, and she'd given no thought to putting her clothes back on or getting the dozen kinds of plasm and blood off. She could only stare at the floor in shock, rock back and forth, and murmur, "He wants me to tell people about him."

"Who?" I asked her. "The teenager? He wouldn't survive here even if we brought him with us."

"No," she whispered. "µ¬ßµ. He wants me to tell people about him. He saw into me. He saw into me when I looked at him. He put his fingers in my grey matter and massaged my brain tissue without ever touching me. He said the Bible and the Quran are close, but we got it slightly wrong. A few things backwards." She stopped rocking in place and stared me in the eye. "We're not going to tell anyone about µ¬ßµ, are we?"

I got a towel and wrapped around it her. "No. We won't say a word."

And you know? At the time, I actually believed that. I thought I'd gotten away with it by not looking, but the corner of my vision did absorb some small portion of whatever nightmare she witnessed. That's why, after several weeks of resisting, I can't help but write this. I simply feel compelled to tell people what happened, and to tell people that µ¬ßµ exists. So, now you know, too.

I hope that's not a problem.

#creepy #horror story #body horror #author: M59Gar

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brittanyyoungblog · 6 years ago

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85+ Broken Heart Quotes to Prepare You for Moving On

Losing the one you love can be emotionally draining and hard to deal with. There’s no one way of getting over that person–everyone grieves differently. If you’re having feelings of sadness, anger, regret, anxiety or frustration, these all are normal but painful emotions to have during a heartache.

Reading inspiring quotes can help with expressing how you feel and where you want to be next. On your journey of moving on, it’s important to focus on what lies ahead instead of what used to be. We can’t change the past of a relationship but we can certainly plan for the future.

Here are some encouraging broken heart quotes to help you in your process of healing:

“It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.” – Sarah Teasdale

“I’d rather love a million times and have my heart broken every time, than hold a permanently empty heart forever.” – H.C. Paye

“Every time your heart is broken, a doorway cracks open to a world full of new beginnings, new opportunities.” – Patti Roberts

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either.” – Golda Meir

“You can only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” – Khalil Gibran

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” – Barbara de Angelis

“All the broken hearts in the world still beat” – Ingrid Michaelson

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.” – Carroll Bryant

“Some think that holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s letting go.” – Hermann Hesse

“Sad endings are but the next happy beginning.” – Unknown

“It’s the emptiest, and yet the fullest of all human messages: Good-bye.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved.” – Romain Rolland

“A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along.” – J.S.B. Morse

“Only time can heal a broken heart.” – Unknown

“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” – J.M. Barrie

“I’m really a very happy, contented little person in spite of my broken heart.“ – L.M. Montgomery

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” — Dalai Lama

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.” – Alan Moore

“Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” – Blair Waldorf

“The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” – Shannon Alder

“If you love something, let it go.” – Unknown

“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.” – Josh Jameson

“You need to keep hurting until you realise you never needed to hurt in the first place.” – Kamand Kojouri

“Broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope.” – Toba Bet

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” – Sonia Ricotti

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” – Unknown

“Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.”

“You can only move on if you accept that it’s gone.” – Unknown

“I loved him, every inch of his being, but I realized one day; if loving him meant losing me, then loving him was not enough anymore.” – Nikki Rowe

“Trust, let go, and make room for what’s coming.” – Mandy Hale

“Time heals nothing unless you move along with it.” – Unknown

“Life breaks all of us sometimes, but some grow strong at broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway

“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose is the next best.” – William Makepeace Thackeray

“Ever loved someone so much, you would do anything for them? Yeah, well make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want.” – Harvey Spencer

“Every happy couple has a breakup in their past.” – Unknown

“To lose a worthless friend is worthy of a testimony.” – Michael Bassey Johnson

“Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

“You know it’s love when all you want is for that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.” – Julia Roberts

“Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one, because those who fly solo often have the strongest wings.”- Unknown

“Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they’ve lost you.”

“Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.” – Sarah Evans

“Goodbye is the last time I will hold you near.” – Celine Dion

“With time the pain eases, the body recovers and the brain figures out new ways to go on.” – Federico Chini

“If you’re brave enough to love someone, then you’re strong enough to get over them.” – Unknown

“And anything that might hurt me would just make me stronger in the end.” – Elizabeth Eulberg

“Thank you, next.” – Ariana Grande

“I still think of you every day. But I’m trying not to let it hurt me with the same intensity that it used to.” – Ranata Suzuki

“Healing yourself is connected with healing others.” – Yoko Ono

“Every breakup is an opportunity to do it right the next time.” – Cindy Chupack

“Love is the hardest habit to break and the most difficult to satisfy.” – Drew Barrymore

“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” – Guy Finley

“Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained. “ – Jonathan Harnisch

“Stars can’t shine without darkness.” – Kris Menace

“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.”– Gabrielle Zevin

“Being in a relationship has the tendency to deceive one into believing that there is someone without whom one cannot live.”– Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary.” – Oscar Wilde

“Every single day, do something that makes your heart sing.” – Marcia Wieder

“Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.” – Len Santos

“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” – Deepak Chopra

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” – Katherine Owen

“It’s time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure.” – Ernie Harwell

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” – Mark Twain

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coehlo

“There will be a time when you are forced to follow your heart away from someone you love.” – Ashly Lorenzana

“I know my heart will never be the same but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.” – Sara Evans

“I thought I lost something this summer, but I just realized, I never needed it.” – Nicole Christie

“I realize there’s something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go.” – Jeffrey McDaniel

“One day they’ll realize they lost a diamond while playing with worthless stones.” – Turcois Ominek

“One of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.” – Mandy Hale

“How do you when it’s over? Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.” – Gunnar Ardelius

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” – Unknown

“Once in a while you come across someone who will make your life special again.” – Giovannie de Sadeleer

“There comes a point where you no longer care if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You’re just sick of the tunnel.” – Ranata Suzuki

“And I hope above all you give your heart to someone again no matter how many broken promises you have received.” – Nikki Rowe

“If someone breaks up, it’s an opportunity to revamp yourself; this time better and stronger than before.” – Vikrmn Corpkshetra

“And when a whisper became a begging it was time to move on.” – Veronika Jensen

“The faster you search for a new partner, the faster you will get over your break-up blues…. Love is nothing more than an illusion.” – Aman Jassal

“The lessons are best when the pain is worse” – Misheck Cicero

“After a major change in your life, either you get stuck in painful emotions or you take charge of your life and process your feelings to become emotionally stronger and resilient, the choice is yours.” – Linda Alfiori

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ”– Joseph Campbell

“A woman (man) is unstoppable once she (he) realizes she (he) deserves better.” – Unknown

“If the hurt comes, so will the happiness.” – Rupi Kaur

“If you really want closure… at some point you have to shut the door.” – Jackie Wells Wunderlin

During this tough time of grieving, seek help from your support system and know that there is always room for a new significant other. Hopefully these quotes served as a gentle reminder that the pain you’re feeling is only temporary and that this event is preparing you for a lot more happiness to come!

The post 85+ Broken Heart Quotes to Prepare You for Moving On appeared first on The Date Mix.

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marcusssanderson · 6 years ago

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70 Helpful Bad Relationship Quotes About Moving On

Here is a powerful collection of bad relationships quotes to help you think about your best next steps when your personal relationships are not where you want them to be.

Even the best of us have been in a bad relationship at least once in our lives.

Often, we needed the right inspiration, support, or that little push, to help us close that chapter.

It can help to read the words of others who have been in similar situations before us, or to know that these feelings will pass.

Perhaps the most meaningful is to see others who have successfully moved on and been the better for it.

In that vein, here are some inspirational, wise, and eye-opening bad relationship quotes, bad relationship sayings, and bad relationship proverbs, collected from a variety of sources over the years.

The best bad relationship quotes and sayings

1.) “It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.” – Nicholas Sparks

2.) “You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.’” – Joel Osteen, ‘Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential’

3.) “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” – Deborah Reber, ‘Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul’

4.) “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” – C. JoyBell C.

5.) “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

6.) “Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” – Steve Maraboli

7.) “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” – Mary Manin Morrissey

8.) “Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be.” – C. JoyBell C.

9.) “Girls you’ve gotta know when it’s time to turn the page.” – Tori Amos, ‘Tori Amos: From the Choirgirl Hotel’

10.) “Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.” – Criss Jami, ‘Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile’

11.) “If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” – Shannon L. Alder

Bad Relationship Quotes that are Painfully True

12.) “It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else” – Phil McGraw

13.) “Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering image that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being.” – Jean-Yves Leloup

14.) “I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?” – Nicholas Sparks

15.) “What’s broken is broken — and I’d rather remember it as it was than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.” – Margaret Mitchell

16.) “Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.” – DLQ

17.) “Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless. But you’re not worthless. You’re underappreciated.” – Steve Maraboli

18.) “One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.�� – Michael J. Fox

19.) “We teach people how to treat us.” – Dr. Phil

20.) “A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere.” – Unknown

21.) “Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.” – Marianne Faithfull

Toxic Relationship Quotes About Moving On

22.) “It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” – Steve Maraboli, ‘Life, the Truth, and Being Free’

23.) “Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.” – Dan Brown, ‘Deception Point’

24.) “Sometimes it takes heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” – Mandy Hale, ‘The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass’

25.) “It was strange, really. A couple months ago, I had thought I couldn’t live without him. Apparently I could.” – Gabrielle Zevin, ‘Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac’

26.) “Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” – Shannon L. Alder

27.) “And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.” – Sarah Waters, ‘The Little Stranger’

28.) “To be bitter is to attribute intent and personality to the formless, infinite, unchanging and unchangeable void. We drift on a chartless, resistless sea. Let us sing when we can, and forget the rest…” – H.P. Lovecraft

29.) “Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in.” – Katherine Mansfield

30.) “You don’t have to let that one thing be the thing that defines you.” – Jojo Moyes, ‘After You’

31.) “The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did.” – Faraaz Kazi

32.) “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault

33.) “You will evolve past certain people. Let yourself.” – Mandy Hale, ‘The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass’

34.) “I had to cease to mourn what could never be and make the most of what was possible. And I would begin doing that by trying to mend the hurts of the past.” – Cameron Dokey, ‘The Wild Orchid: A Retelling of The Ballad of Mulan’

35.) “Even seasonal situations can bring with them lessons that last a lifetime. If the love doesn’t last, it prepares you for the one that will.” – Mandy Hale, ‘The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass’

36.) “That’s all you can do in this world, no matter how strong the current beats against you, or how heavy your burden, or how tragic your love story. You keep going.” – Robyn Schneider, ‘Extraordinary Means’

Bad relationship quotes to help you handle dejection

37.) “No partner in a love relationship… should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable.” – May Sarton

38.) “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” – George Washington

39.) “For lack of an occasional expression of love, a relationship strong at the seams can wear thin in the middle.” –Robert Breault

40.) “Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton

41.) “How can I let you be a priority in my life, when I’m still an option in your life?” – Hussein Nishah

42.) “A bad relationship can do that, can make you doubt everything good you ever felt about yourself.” – Dionne Warwick

43.) “Relationships are supposed to make you feel good. Relationships are not supposed to make you feel bad.” – Laura Bowers

Bad relationship quotes to inspire and teach

44.) “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” – Abraham Lincoln

45.) “Professionalism makes work relationships healthy, foolishness and dishonesty erodes them.” – Ty Howard

46.) “We are responsible for our own relationships, their success, their failures, the good times, the bad times. Take responsibility for creating the relationships that you desire.” – Sam Owen

47.) “I am a strong believer that a bad relationship must be brought to an end, no matter how.” – Unknown

48.) “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. – Washington Irving

49.) “The wrong person will give you less than what you’re worth but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.” – Sonya Parker

50.) It is better for someone to break your heart once by leaving your life, than for them to stay in your life and break your heart continually. – Terry Mark

Bad relationship quotes to motivate you to find one that you desire

51.) “Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person.” – Wayne Dyer

52.) “I think it is a bad relationship when you get blamed for the things that make you who you are.” – Unknown

53.) “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins

54.) “When you get into a bad relationship the best thing you can do is get out of it as soon you can.” – Unknown

55.) “Relationships end, but they don’t end your life.” – Steve Martin

56.) “When there is no trust at all between the two of you, then you do have a bad relationship then.” – Unknown

57.) “I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.” – Woody Allen

58.) “There is no reason to believe that a bad relationship can be fixed, sometimes you have to let go.” – Unknown

59.) “I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.” – Rita Rudner

60.) “Love sometimes hurts when you’re not with the right person But, don’t give up loving.” – Unknown

61.) “Learn to walk away from those who cause harm to you.” – Malika E Nura

Other eye-opening bad relationship quotes

62.) “Everybody has bad relationships and, at the end of the day, they are just a great way to set yourself up for a good relationship.” – Anne Hathaway

63.) “The death of one relationship always start with the small arguments and then the suspicions.” – Unknown

64.) “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” – Ernest Hemingway

65.) “Relationships end, but they don’t end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.” – Unknown

66.) “And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” – Khalil Gibran

67.) “Sometimes we just fall in love with the wrong people.” – Unknown

68.) “If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, you’re probably giving it to the wrong person.” – Unknown

69.) “Now I believe it when people say love is blind… because I must have been blind to love a person like you.” – Mitch Cuento

70.) “Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.”—Guy Finley

How did you find these bad relationship quotes?

It’s alright to feel hesitant or even afraid to cut loose a relationship you know has gone sour. More so if you know you and your partner are already hurting one another. Everyone goes through these emotions, albeit in different situations.

A relationship gone badly doesn’t need to define you – or your happiness in the future. Through the tears, have hope that skies will clear up soon.

It may not be tomorrow, or the day after that. But soon, things will be better. After all, they say that a face full of smiles used to be filled with tears.

We hope these toxic relationship quotes have helped give you renewed strength and faith to keep moving forward.

Which of these bad relationship quotes resonated with you best? Do you have any other inspirational quotes to add? Tell us in the comment section below.

The post 70 Helpful Bad Relationship Quotes About Moving On appeared first on Everyday Power.

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usnewsaggregator-blog · 7 years ago

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Bergdahl apologizes as he testifies for 1st time in trial: 'I was trying to help'

New Post has been published on https://usnewsaggregator.com/bergdahl-apologizes-as-he-testifies-for-1st-time-in-trial-i-was-trying-to-help/

Bergdahl apologizes as he testifies for 1st time in trial: 'I was trying to help'

Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl apologized for his actions in Afghanistan as he took the stand for the first time, recounting in emotional testimony his five years in captivity.

The detailed account of his torture and the admission of guilt and responsibility came after a military judge ruled that President Donald Trump‘s comments about Bergdahl do not mean the soldier can’t receive a fair sentencing — but that those disparaging comments, including calling Bergdahl a traitor and suggesting he should be executed, will be considered a mitigating factor in his sentencing.

Bergdahl faces up to life in prison after he pleaded guilty to desertion and misbehavior before the enemy for walking off his Army base in Afghanistan in June 2009. He was subsequently captured by the Taliban and held for five years before he was freed in a prisoner exchange between the militant group and the Obama administration in May 2014.

Before answering any questions, he read a statement in open court, admitting that what he did was wrong and that he understands the pain and suffering that he caused so many people, including his platoon mates.

“Saying I’m sorry isn’t enough. My words can’t take away the pain that people have been through,” the 31-year old said. “I was trying to help, and the fact that I did not breaks my heart.”

Bergdahl claims that he left his base to report misconduct in his unit to an officer.

During two hours of questioning from his lawyers, Bergdahl talked about the physical abuse, including living in a metal cage for much of the time, being beaten and burned by his captors, and being chained spread-eagle to a bed. He was so weak at times that he couldn’t even stand up and didn’t know who he was or where he was, he said.

His lawyers showed several items, including handcuffs, leg shackle chains and padlocks, that they said were similar to the ones used on him in captivity, with Bergdahl describing the open sores on his ankles and hands from the tightness of the chains and shackles. He also said the Taliban would at times put some sort of chemical or hallucinogen in his cell that made him disoriented and sick, calling it “terrifying.”

But “the worst,” he said, “was the constant deterioration of everything. The constant pain of my body falling apart. The constant internal screams from my mind … I could see my ribs, my joints. There was nothing left.”

That trauma has not subsided either, he said. Back in the U.S. for three-and-a-half years now, he still hardly sleeps, he said, because he has nightmares and flashbacks — often waking up and not knowing who he is or where he is. Mundane things, like the crowing of a rooster, remind him of some of the darkest details of his time in captivity, like a particularly gruesome execution video the Taliban forced him to watch — something they constantly threatened to do to him, he said.

That video was shown in court, in a moment where the press was cleared out because it is classified.

When asked what kept him going for those five years of captivity, Bergdahl replied, “Trying to find a way to escape. Trying to gather as much intel as I could, so I could get that back out. Not letting them win.”

The testimony wrapped up a key day in the sentencing phase of Bergdahl’s trial, where the judge denied a motion by the defense to dismiss the case on the grounds of what’s called “unlawful command influence.” That’s when a higher level military figure, including the president and commander-in-chief, influences or appears to influence judicial proceedings. Army Col. Jeffery Nance ruled that the court has not been directly affected and said he remains uninfluenced by Trump’s remarks.

As a candidate, Trump disparaged Bergdahl and the Obama administration’s agreement to get him back from the Taliban. On Oct. 16, 2015, for example, Trump called him “a rotten traitor” and suggested he should be shot or dropped from an airplane.

“In the old days he’d get shot for treason,” he told a crowd of supporters. “If I win, I might just have him floating right in the middle of that place and drop him, boom. Let ’em have him. … I mean, that’s cheaper than a bullet.”

More recently, Trump declined to comment on Bergdahl’s case the day the soldier entered his guilty plea, but Trump told reporters, “I think people have heard my comments in the past.”

Even those comments were seen by Nance as unlawful command influence, writing in his ruling, “The plain meaning of the president’s words to any reasonable hearer could be that in spite of knowing that he should not comment on the pending sentencing in this case, he wanted to make sure that everyone remembered what he really thinks should happen to the accused.”

But instead of throwing the case out, Nance may lighten his sentence because of those comments.

The other mitigating factors in Bergdahl’s sentencing, however, could work against him — the emotional testimony of the soldiers who went searching for him and were injured. The prosecution had those soldiers and their family members share their stories as evidence that Bergdahl deserves a harsh punishment for putting their lives in danger.

Some of the most vivid testimony last week came from Jonathan Morita, whose hand was shattered by a rocket-propelled grenade in an ambush.

Today, Master Sgt. Mark Allen’s wife Shannon Allen and his doctor Rafael S. Mascarinas III told Mark Allen’s story.

Allen was on a search mission with U.S. and Afghan troops in July 2009 when the group was attacked by insurgents and Allen was shot in the head. His life was saved by the medical teams in the field, but doctors were forced to remove both frontal lobes of Allen’s brain, according to Dr. Mascarinas’s testimony, the region of the brain that controls speaking and movement.

“His eyes were open, but he didn’t have any awareness of his environment, nor was he responding to commands,” Mascarinas said of Allen when he was admitted to his hospital in August 2009, noting Allen was in a “vegetative state” and today remains in “a minimally conscious state” and unable to speak.

Shannon Allen described her husband as a “happy-go-lucky guy,” a very active father who played with his son all the time, loved to go hiking and do outdoor activities.

But she cried as she shared, “The interactions have changed significantly. … His involvement now is much more passive, he’s not able to reach out to her or to talk to her,” she said of their daughter.

“He lost me as a wife because I have become his caregiver,” she added, noting that he cannot be left alone because he’s prone to seizures. “We can’t even hold hands anymore without me prying open his.”

The defense’s case will continue on Tuesday, although it’s unclear if Bergdahl will continue to testify before the court. The defense expects to be done with witness testimony on Wednesday, and then after closing arguments, the case will be in the judge’s hands, with a decision possibly as soon as the end of this week.

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#apologizes #bergdahl #testifies #trial #trying

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lolainblue · 8 years ago

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Wishing It Was You

Shannon Leto oneshot / Inspired by the K.Flay song “Wishing it was You”

Warning: Angst/Drunken Smut

The amber liquid no longer burned as it went down. Unfortunately, the only things that were becoming number were my taste buds and maybe, a little bit my face, but none of the feelings I was trying to drown. Certainly not the voice in my head that repeated his name over and over like an incantation, an arcane attempt to summon him to me, to make him finally see me, to make him mine.

As I watched him grinding against her on the dance floor, jealousy threatened to bubble over. I think this one's name was Siobhan, she was the third girlfriend I had watched him go through since meeting him, not even mentioning his hook ups and near misses. Of course, she was fucking perfect, drop dead gorgeous, toned and tanned just enough, dressed exactly on point, not a hair out of place even as she writhed against him. I didn't know her. She probably rescued puppies and orphans every day, pulling them from the debris of collapsed buildings while the wind blew her hair just so and her mascara never ran. I hated her.

I ordered another drink. The bartender gave me a long look. “I'm not driving I promise.” She continued to look at me for a minute then poured what was left of the bottle into a fresh glass. “Whoever he is he's not worth it,” she said as she cleared the empties away. I didn't reply, but I turned my back to the dancers, hoping if I quit staring at him my misery level would drop a notch or two. It did not. I stared into the whiskey and thought about how much it looked like Shannon's eyes when the light hit them. Fuck.

I was so deep in my own private hell I didn't realize the song had ended until I felt a strong pair of arms around my waist. Shannon's scent engulfed me as he swung me around with a laugh. “Why aren't you out there dancing Jelly Bean?” He slipped between me and the bar and took a sniff of my nearly empty glass. “How many of these have you polished off tonight? Am I going to have to pour you into a cab?”

I snatched the glass out of his hand. “You don't have to do anything. I can take care of myself. I'm not your damn kid sister.” I knew he was only trying to be his sweet, caring self but something in me had reached a breaking point. I saw the confusion on his face. I wanted to say more but then Siobhan was snuggling him and kissing his cheek and that angry little voice in my head turned into a scream and I couldn't stand there for one more minute. I grabbed my things and headed out of the party.

I had the car stop at the liquor store on the way home so I could buy a bottle of Jim Beam to keep me company on my wallow into self-pity. I had become a pathetic, lovesick mess, a complete cliché. I barely ate or slept anymore, my work was slipping, all I did was daydream about him. Sometimes I thought he felt something too, but he never treated me as anything other than a friend. “So glad I have you Jelly Bean,” he would tell me as he wrapped me one of his trademark Shannon bear hugs. Not that being his friend was a bad thing. He was a wonderful guy to have in your corner. I just wished it were enough.

Once inside my apartment, I cranked my favorite brooding playlist, kicked off my heels and headed to the kitchen to grab a glass before deciding to just open the damn bottle. I was about to unzip my dress when the doorbell rang. I figured it was the neighbors about the music. I was stunned to open the door and find Shannon on the other side of the threshold.

“Jelly Bean....”

“Stop calling me that.” I was In no mood for his infantilizing nicknames. I didn't need sweet, cuddly Shannon. I needed the Shannon of the wicked grins and dirty jokes. Mischievous Shannon. Shannon who might be willing to take a chance. Not big brother Shannon. I sighed. Abashedly, he started over.

“Juliet. I'm sorry to just barge in on you but you kind of had me worried back there. You've been so off lately.” His face filled with concern and something else I couldn't quite read. “Is everything okay with you?”

“And if it isn't?” I headed back towards the living room and the comfort of my whiskey. Shannon followed, closing the door softly behind him.

“I'm here if you need someone. I wish you'd talk to me.” I turned around to see him standing uncertainly in the hall. “Did I do something? You never talk to me anymore.”

I knew he was right. I had been pushing him away for a while now, desperately trying to gain some even footing while I watched him parade girl after girl past. He had been my confidante and now I was treating him like he had betrayed my trust when he hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault he didn't see me the way I saw him. I couldn't seem to stop lashing out tonight though. “Where is Siobhan? Is she waiting in the car while you come up here and soothe your conscience? Or did she head back to your place to warm your bed up for you?”

Shannon took a breath before responding. “Juliet, I don't know what's going on with you exactly, but...”

“Really? You really have no idea, Shannon? Not one clue?” I grabbed the bottle and started to take a swig but Shannon grabbed my hand. “Hey! Mine, not yours!”

“Please don't drink any more of that.” He took the bottle and sat it on the coffee table. I saw the troubled look on his face but I was so over his protective streak. I blundered on.

“Why? Why shouldn't I get as fucked up as I want to be? What's it to you anyway?” Instead of drowning my feelings the bourbon seemed to have stirred all my emotions up, loosening my tongue along with them. “Jesus, you just cannot stop, can you? You've made it perfectly clear at this point that I'm just your buddy to look out for. So hooray. You checked up on me. I'm fine. You did your duty. Go have your fun with this week's blonde.”

I could practically see the gears turning in his head, but I was wholly unprepared for what came next. “I'm asking you not to drink any more of that because if you get any more intoxicated I'm going to feel like I'm taking advantage of you,” he placed his warm, broad palm against my cheek, “and that's the last way I'd want this to start my Jelly Bean.” He brushed his lips against mine, the barest hint of a kiss. “Or am I completely off base here?”

Blood rushing in my ears, not daring to breathe, I shook my head. “What about Siobhan?”

Shannon smiled softly. “Probably still back at the party.”

“But she...”

“Is a woman I spend a lot of time with, sure. It's not more than that. Which you would know if you hadn't been shutting me out.” He brushed his lips over mine again, teasing. “Are you sure this is what you want Juliet? You won't sober up tomorrow and decide you've made a terrible mistake?”

“If I do it's my mistake to make,” I tried to sound bold and fearless but my voice was as shaky as I felt. The bourbon bravado had gone out of me. I couldn't believe I was finally in his arms. I couldn't believe he finally saw me as something other than a friend, that he seemed to want me in the same way I had been wanting him for so long. “It's not like I just decided this tonight. I've thought of this sober a hundred times.”

Shannon placed a soft kiss right below my hairline, then another slightly lower, and then a third on my cheekbone. “You only have to say stop. If you don't want this,” His voice was low and husky with need now as his calloused thumb traced my lips. “Please want this.”

Finally, he kissed me like he meant it, lips parting as his tongue pressed into me, searching, claiming, pushing me into a tumble of sensation as he pulled me against him. I was too stunned still to fully respond, afraid I was imaging all this or that he would come to his senses and realize where he was. Maybe I hadn't been kidding myself when I thought he felt it too.

“I thought that... that you didn't...” Somewhat foggy from the large quantities of whiskey I'd been consuming all evening, my brain struggled to catch up with this change of direction. “I thought I was just your buddy.”

“I'm sorry Jelly Bean.” Shannon continued, kissing my face. “I've been so unbelievably dense. I thought you were pushing me away because you figured out I wanted more.” He was kissing my neck now, small nibbles that traced their way up my jawline until I felt his warm breath at my ear. “And I want so much more.”

That was all it took. I finally gave myself permission to fall. Knotting my fingers into his hair I kissed him with everything in me, pouring into him every ounce of desire I had swallowed over the last year. He responded as voraciously, probing deeply with his tongue, pulling my lower lip into his mouth to nibble. It was still not enough. I had wanted for too long, and judging from his reaction, he had too. I slipped my hands under his shirt, my fingertips gliding over the firm muscles on his sides and felt him groan into my mouth in response. Shannon's hands had begun an exploration of their own, one palm sliding slowly over my breast as the other made it's way under the hem of my dress, teasing the flushed skin of my thigh. The need was overwhelming, a burning knot deep in my core that that radiated out to every nerve ending with each breath. Still, I was unprepared for the ferocious tug as he whispered breathlessly in my ear, “So Juliet, do you want to move this to the bedroom or am I just going to take you right here?”

We stumbled our way across the apartment never breaking contact, discarding articles of clothing as we went. By the time we had reached my bedroom my dress and bra were gone and Shannon was in nothing but an unzipped pair of jeans riding scandalously low on his hips. I hooked my fingers into their belt loops and fell back onto the bed, pulling him with me. His mouth claimed me again as soon as we struck the mattress, moving down my chest with tiny little licks and nibbles until it found a taut nipple. Whether an artifact of passion or alcohol, my vision blurred as I arched into his touch as if the lust was lighting the bourbon in my blood on fire, filling me with a heat that bubbled under his tongue and pooled in my sex.

With a soft moan, he moved his kisses lower, slipping away my panties so that he could anchor his mouth at my slick core. “My God, Jelly Bean, you do taste just like candy.” His rough hands pressed my thighs open, exposing my every secret as he bit his lower lip and grinned appreciatively. A broad stroke of his flattened tongue, a nibble that set goosebumps across my skin, agonizingly intense pressure as he sucked my hard nub into his mouth, everything blurred and collided as the pleasure claimed me, leaving me gasping his name. Still, months of want drew me further on.

I slipped from under him to come up to my knees and began removing his jeans. As I freed him from the fabric I couldn't resist trailing kisses down his firm stomach. When I finally brought my tongue against the underside of his broad shaft, I was rewarded with an appreciative groan. Voraciously I set upon him, laving and kneading with my tongue, feeling him thicken in response as he twisted his fingers into my hair. I looked up at Shannon as I worked. His eyes were heavy, the full lips I had so often dreamed of kissing were slightly parted, his powerful chest moving in time with his ragged breaths. I thought I had never seen anything more beautiful. I would have stayed on my knees like that for him for hours but he softly pulled me off of him. I started to protest but he stopped me with a quick kiss. “Fuck Juliet. As amazing as that felt, I am not ready to be done with you yet. And if you kept that up for one more minute I would have been.”

He turned away to rustle through the clothing we had discarded and I realized he was retrieving a condom. I watched as he palmed himself for a few before rolling on the protective sheath. Then he was quickly on me again, settling his hips over mine as he stretched me out beneath him. Shifting against him so that his impressive cock pressed firmly against my own engorged and aching sex I ground against him, completely undone by my own profound craving for him.

“Please Shannon,” I panted into his ear, “please. Now. I want you so much. Please.”

He crashed his mouth against mine, a bruising kiss that stole that last of my thoughts. I attempted to reach for him but he pinned my wrists at my head. Caught in his powerful grip all I could do was wrap my legs around him, writhing as his length slid teasingly against my soaking folds. My body pleaded. Shannon looked down on me with that fiendish smirk of his, clearly enjoying my torment. I could see the keen desire in his own eyes though and I knew that whatever game he was playing now, it wouldn't be long before he would have to give in to his own appetite. I closed my eyes, sliding my body beneath him, and concentrated on the sensations – the firm press of his grip as he shifted my wrists to a single hand, his fingertips as they trailed down the tender underside of my arm, the heavy press of his firm abdomen, the brush of his broad chest against the hardened buds of my nipples, the tiny shocks from his touch that seemed to settle directly behind my clit, the powerful muscles of his thighs, pulled taught as he anchored me where he wanted me no matter how greedily I strained for him. I opened my eyes again to see the smirk was gone, a dark need in its place.

“Please...”

Shannon lowered his head to me again but instead of the kiss, I was expecting I was met with the sharp bite of his teeth sinking into the tender curve of my neck. Crying out, I arched sharply into him only to impale myself onto his waiting shaft. I gave a hungry mewl of surprise. Shannon's large hands slid rapidly to my hips, steadying them in place as he surged forward. I found myself trembling as my body struggled to accommodate the sudden onslaught. He didn't spare me a minute to adjust, withdrawing and then diving in again. He was clearly going to waste no time in claiming what was finally his. If only I had known. We had both been so blind. Had wasted who knows how much time. I wrapped my limbs around him, pulling him into me as he continued his feverish pace. The sheer brutal strength of his passion left me in awe. I drew whatever bits of flesh I could reach into my mouth, covering him in kisses, reveling in the salty taste of his skin on my tongue. A graze of my teeth on his shoulder elicited a moan from him that vibrated my every nerve. I had never wanted anyone the way I wanted him. Each brush of his lips, each sigh, each groan, every touch, every thrust fueled rather than satiated. I was in a reverie. Need, lust, desire, these had all become molten things, surging through my veins and pushing me up and up until I shattered completely, my center convulsing tightly around him as I shouted his name.

“Juliet...” Shannon purred my name as he lurched forward. I felt him swell as his own release rushed upon him, his hazel eyes closing as he spilled into the thin sheath encasing him, a soft string of swear words stumbling from his lips. We gripped each other tightly as we finally stilled. As reality started edging back in, I felt a moment of panic that he would bolt, that he hadn't really wanted this the way I had, that maybe I was just another hookup. When Shannon moved away from me to leave the bed I felt tears starting to form behind my eyes and rolled over, turning my back to him. But he quickly returned, pressing into the curve of my back, his arm crossing my chest to pull me against him. Placing small kisses along my color bone, he nuzzled against me softly before settling in with a sigh.

“My Jelly Bean.”

I relaxed into him. “I always have been.

#shannon leto fanfiction #shannon leto fic #thirty seconds to mars #30stm #30 seconds to mars fanfiction #wishing it was you

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marcusssanderson · 6 years ago

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100 Quotes About Change That Will Inspire You To Live Better

Looking for inspirational quotes about change? Here are some of our favorite change quotes that will help improve your life!

What is it about change that is so hard? Even for the strongest and most self-disciplined of us, it does not come easy.

We change for many reasons, because we need to change, because we want to change, and because it is the right thing to do. What gives us the courage to have the strength and courage to make real and lasting change?

To help make your life better, below is our collection of inspirational, wise, and insightful change quotes, change sayings, and change proverbs, collected from a variety of sources over the years.

Change Quotes for Life, Love and the Art of Letting Go

1.) The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking. ― Albert Einstein

2.) “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

― Rumi

3.) “One day spent with someone you love can change everything.”

― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

4.) “True life is lived when tiny changes occur.”

― Leo Tolstoy 5.) Your success in life isn’t based on your ability to simply change. It is based on your ability to change faster than your competition, customers, and business.

― Mark Sanborn

6.) “We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”

― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

7.) “Let him who would move the world first move himself.”

― Socrates

8.) “But you’re so busy changing the world

Just one smile can change all of mine”

― Jack Johnson

9.) “You can’t stop the future

You can’t rewind the past

The only way to learn the secret

…is to press play.”

― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Change Quotes About Life

10.) Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

― Margaret Mead

11.) Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

― Arnold Bennett

12.) “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

― Lao Tzu

13.) “Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

14.) “No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side.

Or you don’t.”

― Stephen King, The Stand

15.) If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

― Maya Angelou

16.) “Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

― William Jennings Bryan

17.) “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

― Brené Brown

18.) “Sure, everything is ending,” Jules said, “but not yet.”

― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad

19.) “Nothing is as painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”

― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

Quotes About Change In the World

20.) Be the change that you wish to see in the world.

― Mahatma Gandhi

21.) Change is inevitable. Change is constant.

― Benjamin Disraeli

22.) “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

23.) Just Because…..“Fashion changes, but style endures.”

― Coco Chanel

24.) “If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.”

― C.S. Lewis

25.) I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.

― Mother Teresa

26.) “Believe something and the Universe is on its way to being changed. Because you’ve changed, by believing. Once you’ve changed, other things start to follow. Isn’t that the way it works?”

― Diane Duane, So You Want to Be a Wizard

27.) “Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”

― William S. Burroughs

28.) “If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behavior.”

― Katharine Hepburn

29.) “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

― Nelson Mandela

Quotes About Change and choices

30.) Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.

― John Kenneth Galbraith

31.) When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.

― Benjamin Franklin

32.) “Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

― Barack Obama

33.) “I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.”

― Aldous Huxley, Point Counter Point

34.) “Things changed, people changed, and the world went rolling along right outside the window.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

35.) The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. -Nathaniel Branden

36.) “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

― Wayne W. Dyer

37.) “The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.”

― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

38.) “Change not only was inevitable, but usually brought its own rewards.”

― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

39.) “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

― Margaret Mead

Quotes About Change in Politics and Business

40.) Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. -John F. Kennedy

41.) The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change.

― Bill Clinton

42.) “Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

― Barack Obama

43.) “No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”

― Madonna

44.) “I realized how truly hard it was, really, to see someone you love change right before your eyes. Not only is it scary, it throws your balance off as well.”

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

45.) Change your thoughts and you change your world. –Norman Vincent Peale

46.) “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”

― Eckhart Tolle

47.) “Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.”

― Shannon L. Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late

48.) “To change one’s life:

Start immediately.

Do it flamboyantly.

No exceptions.”

― William James

49.) “Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”

― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Quotes About Change and letting go

50.) People can cry much easier than they can change.

― James Baldwin

51.) The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.

― Charles Kettering

52.) “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

53.) “You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”

― Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

54.) “Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

― Shannon L. Alder

55.) People don’t resist change. They resist being changed.

― Peter Senge

56.) “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”

― Mother Teresa

57.) “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door”

― Milton Berle

58.) “Books can be dangerous. The best ones should be labeled “This could change your life.”

― Helen Exley

59.) “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

― Leo Tolstoy

Quotes About Change In Life

60.) Change before you have to.

― Jack Welch

61.) If you don’t like change, you will like irrelevance even less.

― General Eric Shinseki

62.) “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large — I contain multitudes.”

― Walt Whitman

63.) “Growing up happens when you start having things you look back on and wish you could change ― Clary Fray”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

64.) “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

― Alan W. Watts

65.) You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

― R. Buckminster Fuller

66.) “We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers – but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to change you’re the one who has got to change.”

― Katharine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

67.) “Don’t confuse poor decision-making with destiny. Own your mistakes. It’s ok; we all make them. Learn from them so they can empower you!”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

68.) “A bend in the road is not the end of the road…Unless you fail to make the turn.”

― Helen Keller

69.) “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Change quotes about letting go

70.) He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.

― Harold Wilson

71.) Change means that what was before wasn’t perfect. People want things to be better. -Esther Dyson

72.) “The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

73.) “Change, like healing, takes time.”

― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

74.) “If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write.”

― Martin Luther

75.) Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better. -Sydney J. Harris

76.) “And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.”

― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

77.) “When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.”

― Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol in His Own Words

78.) “I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

― Steve Jobs

79.) “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

― Rob Siltanen

Change quotes about life

80.) I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.

― Georg C. Lichtenberg

81.) Resistance at all cost is the most senseless act there is.

― Friedrich Durrenmatt

82.) “I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back….”

― Erica Jong

83.) “You never change things by fighting the existing reality.

To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

― R. Buckminster Fuller

84.) “We are the change we have been waiting for.”

― Barack Obama

85.) It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory.

― W. Edwards Deming

86.) “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

87.) “I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.”

― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

88.) “Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”

― Maya Angelou

89.) And just for fun… “Change is inevitable–except from a vending machine.”

― Robert C. Gallagher

Change quotes about people

90.) When people shake their heads because we are living in a restless age, ask them how they would like to life in a stationary one, and do without change.

― George Bernard Shaw

91.) If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.

― Gail Sheehy

92.) “The present changes the past. Looking back you do not find what you left behind.”

― Kiran Desai, The Inheritance of Loss

93.) “Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not.”

― Stephen King, The Green Mile

94.) “To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.”

― Winston S. Churchill

95.) There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.

― Winston Churchill

96.) “One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world.”

― Malala Yousafzai

97.) “Forget yesterday – it has already forgotten you. Don’t sweat tomorrow – you haven’t even met. Instead, open your eyes and your heart to a truly precious gift – today.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

98.) “We are not trapped or locked up in these bones. No, no. We are free to change. And love changes us. And if we can love one another, we can break open the sky.”

― Walter Mosley, Blue Light

99.) To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

― Winston Churchill

100.) Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

― George Bernard Shaw

Did you enjoy these change quotes

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