#past and present bookends of life

[limnsaber]

Stammi Vicino and the events of Yuri!!! On Ice are still mind boggling to me. Where’s that post about scarcely-fathomable level of romance.

Stammi Vicino is the first skating sequence in YOI. It is the first full skating routine we are presented with and it’s the choreography we see in the very first moments of the show. Lyrically, Stammi Vicino is about a man calling out for someone to hear him, speaking of intense loneliness and decrying love. The lyrics were written by the creator of YOI, Kubo Mitsurou, and translated into Italian for the composition.

In the first episode of the show, both Yuuri and Victor skate this routine individually. Victor skates it for Worlds, and Yuuri skates it because he wants to get his love for skating back.

Unbeknownst to him, Yuuri’s performance was recorded and uploaded to YouTube, and Victor comes into his life from there (directly because of Yuuri’s SV performance).

Victor sees Yuuri’s performance and comes to meet Yuuri, and that’s the inciting incident of the show. Both of their routines were a calling out into the darkness, and they were answered. (That’s love!) Through the show, we learn that both Victor and Yuuri were in bad places at the time of the routine of the first episode, and we see them grow wonderfully together in their relationship and as people through the series.

Stammi Vicino is also known as Hanarezu Ni Soba Ni Ite in Japanese, or Stay Close to Me. This line is said by both characters throughout the show, perhaps most significantly by Yuuri in their argument in the parking garage in EP 7 (a major turning point for their relationship).

The first time Yuuri sees Victor in the flashback, we get notes of Stammi Vicino underneath the dialogue.

This song is perhaps the musical foundation for the entire show! Every aspect of Victor and Yuuri’s relationship is writ in, from calling out into the darkness to finally coming together— represented in the closing routine of the show, Stammi Vicino: Duetto.

Yuuri skates Stammi Vicino once more as the show’s final episode closes, and this time Victor joins him for a pair skate. The final episode is one where they’ve finally fully come together — they agree on their future and on their future together. It’s a beautiful bookend to the story, and represents, as the skating routines always do, their characters and their relationship.

In Duetto, the verses about condemning love are gone and the piece has two singers instead of one. Verses in both the aria and duetto say “your hands, your legs / my hands, my legs / our heartbeats / are blending together,” referencing — and they were crazy for this honestly — Plato’s theory of soulmates. At the end of the piece, the singers “leave together”.

The creator, Kubo Mitsurou, has stated in the past very explicitly and publicly that Victor and Yuuri are soulmates. Canonically! The first time Yuuri sees Victor in the flashback, we get notes of Stammi Vicino underneath the dialogue. Stammi Vicino is the musical thread of Victor and Yuuri’s relationship.

They’re engaged!! To be married!!! They’re canonically soulmates!!!

The music in YOI is deeply intertwined with the storytelling. Each routine is uniquely representative of a character, who they are as person, and their journey. The relationship between Victor and Yuuri is the core of this show, and Stammi Vicino is perhaps the most important piece representative of their relationship.

Stammi Vicino, the aria and duetto, represent a story about loneliness and calling out for love and that call being answered. That’s the thesis of Yuri on Ice.

“There’s a place you just can’t reach unless you have a dream too big to bear alone. We call everything on the ice ‘love.’”

[twig-tea]

The Fragrance You Inherit Remained Gentle and Kind

The Fragrance You Inherit was such a gentle and kind show. I loved so many things about it: The performances, the music, the colouring, the pining, and above all, the kindness. I've said before and I will repeat: this is a show about good people who love each other doing their best to be kind to one another, and it was a pleasure to watch. Run don't walk to Siiri's blog @isaksbestpillow to download the show with her subs. Spoilers for the finale to follow.

The interpersonal relationships were the star of this show: The mother/son relationship between Toki and Sakura, Sakura's friendship with On-chan, Toki and Kanae's budding romance and learning what it means to be in a relationship together, Sakura and Mone as reunited old friends and how they immediately regress into giggle-fits in each other's presence, Kanae and her father and how Hoshii-sempai remained a lovable and supportive dork through the whole series, Sakura and her own mother, and even Toki and On-chan and the loving uncle/nephew-like relationship they build...all of them were perfect, loving, and sweet. And the relationship parallels were used well to move things forward--Mone sees the parallel between herself and Sakura in the past with Toki and Kanae in the present; Mone draws from her relationship with Toki to understand her relationship with her own mother better; and Toki draws from his experience with Kanae to understand his mother better (and vice versa, he draws from his mother's relationship to understand his own better too).

I said after ep 1 that my expectations for this show were that we would get closure for Sakura and we did, in a series of beautiful scenes. I love how the series is bookended by two very different weddings that Sakura attends with very different emotions, and how much support Sakura has around moving on and seeking happiness for herself. Though we didn't see the scene, we got enough of Toki and Kanae's relationship that I believe that Kanae also knows about Sakura by the end of ep8, and her giving Sakura the flowers is tacit approval for Sakura to go out and date (a woman).

In addition to the confession scene, I absolutely loved Sakura's coming out scene with her mother; the way this was done to underscore the importance of a child's happiness to their parent was well done and was a good message to send. Generally the message about coming out in this show was that it is not something you owe anyone but is a gift you give the people you love so that they know you better and as a benefit, by knowing more about you, their world expands. I liked this message.

I had also said in the same post-ep1 post that this show seemed gearing up for a teenage boy meltdown, but I did not predict how sweet and loving this meltdown would be. Toki is the most thoughtful and caring teenage boy of all time. The scene with him and his mother on the phone in episode 7 made me cry so much! I really appreciated that the show was clear that Toki had absolutely no reason to ever doubt that he was loved by his mother, but that the evidence of his life and their history was not enough to break through the teenage melodrama when it hit, and he needed to hear it from her directly. I have to stop and give kudos to Sakura's actor Hoshino Mari, who did a phenomenal job. I felt her desperation and concern for her child so strongly, as well as her relief.

While I'm giving shout-outs, I also need to shout out Takeda Kouhei, who was perfect as the sardonic and empathetic gay bestie On-chan. I was so happy to see him every time he appeared, he always gave excellent advice, and his presence was so soothing.

And while Toki and Sakura were the core of the show, I really appreciated that all of the characters felt like they had their own motivations and drivers. It would have been easy to have made Kanae one-dimensional or without agency, or to have made Hoshii-sempai a distant or unsupportive father, or Mone the passive recipient of Sakura's feelings. But the show balanced all of these characters as distinct people who each had their own perspective.

Thank you again to Siiri for subbing this series and making it available for all of us to watch; this was another gift of a show. And thanks to the giffers who giffed this show, especially @easterndelights !

[mangoshorthand]

A Hargreeves Christmas Carol | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader | Ch4

SUMMARY: Luther is the sort of idiot who goes around with a 'Merry Christmas' and a goofy smile on his lips. In your opinion, he should be roasted with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. Who better to teach you the error of your ways than Luther's brother, the man who holds the power of Christmases Past, Present, and Yet to Come in the palm of his hand? Info/Announcement Post

<< Read Chapter Three

Chapter Four (Rated M, 4.3k words)

The Last of the Spirits

As the living room cleared of his family, their Christmas ruined by the argument, Five succeeded in priming the briefcase. He reached out as if to take your upper arm and vanish with you into the previous evening, but you jumped out of his reach. 

“No Five. Show me the future! Show me the nuclear armageddon all this is supposed to cause. Because, based on what I just saw, this is your fault, not mine.” 

You reached out a finger and jabbed him hard in the chest, withdrawing quickly lest he use the opportunity to grab you. 

“You’re going home,” he said, firmly.

“I am not!” you yelled, stamping your foot in frustration, “take me to the future and prove to me that you haven’t been lying for an opportunity to get in my pants!”

Five tossed his head angrily, shaking his fists at his sides in equal frustration and making the briefcase hit him hard in the leg. 

“Don’t flatter yourself” he spat, “You think I’d do all this just for that?”

And then, after a slight pause:

“You think I’d try to scare you into fucking me, is that it?

“I don’t know what to believe!” you cried. 

Five took two or three angry breaths and chewed the inside of his cheek before he responded.

“I didn’t lie to get into your pants,” he said, sounding bitter, but slightly calmer “And, technically, I didn’t lie to you at all. I never actually said you caused nuclear armageddon. I just let you believe it.”

“WHAT?”

“I said that upsetting Luther could potentially cause nuclear armageddon, which is true: actions like those can, indirectly, lead to apocalyptic events. I never actually said it did in this case, however.”

You seized a bookend off a nearby shelf and threw it at him, hard. He, of course, blinked and reappeared a short distance away, leaving the bookend to smash against the wall. 

“I guess I would have deserved that.” Five said, eyeing the bookend as it faded back into being on the bookshelf. 

“YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I know I shouldn’t -”

“YOU BASTARD!”

“I know,” he replied, a pleading note in his voice now, “but if you just-”

“YOU ARE BARRED. TAKE ME HOME, AND THEN NEVER SHOW YOUR FACE IN MY BAR AGAIN. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!”

Five held up the hand not holding the briefcase.

“Fine, okay. I get it. But will you let me explain?”

You breathed like an angry bull, your fists clenched so hard it felt like you’d never be able to relax them again, but gave a resentful nod.

“Thank you,” he said, putting the briefcase down on one of the couches and sitting on its arm, facing you. 

“I guess it was my fault. I just…I guess I tried to blame you because that was easier than facing the fact I ruined Christmas for Luther… and for everyone else.”

You let out a huff, but his face kept you from an angry expostulation for the time being, and he continued: 

“But Sloane was right. You and I are similar. We’re both kind of misanthropic: we push the people who care about us away. It might not lead to an apocalypse, but it’s hardly gonna spell good news for us in the future.”

His expression appealed to yours, and you found it hard to maintain the same level of anger as you saw the honest-to-God anxiety in his face.

“I got a second chance to live my life,” he continued, quietly, “and I’m already fucking it up. You only got one life, and I don’t want to see you fuck it up either.”

You looked back at him, at his beautiful, infuriating, and wholly sincere face. Not for the first time that night, you felt the strange urge to cry. 

What was even stranger was the urge to cry on his shoulder. 

“I think you’re right,” he said.

“About what?” you asked, frowning.

“We should go see the future. Check in on you and I in, say, ten years time? See how bad it gets?”

The idea, though you’d been fiercely advocating for it only a minute or so earlier, suddenly filled you with a thrill of uncertain horror. Perhaps it was the effect of his speech, but to have such unnatural knowledge, impossible in the normal course of things, seemed now too terrible to comprehend. 

Nevertheless, you nodded silently, your legs starting to tremble beneath you. 

“Good,” Five said, and held out his hand. 

You took it. As he ran his thumb over the back of your hand, the fear became a little more bearable. 

“I really am sorry,” he said, seriously, still holding your eyes with his.

“I'll forgive you,” you replied, and squeezed his fingers. 

He smiled softly and let your hand go, reaching behind him for the briefcase once more.

“Okay,” he said, balancing it on one knee and playing with the dials, “since it’s still my hair in the briefcase, we may as well visit me first.”

The case clicked and whirred as, with a flourish, he finished his calibration. 

“Ready to see how shit my life gets?”

He looked up at you with a grin, took your hand again, and you both vanished into the now-familiar static.

You emerged in another living room, almost as different as it was possible to be from the one you just left. It was dingy, lit by a single bulb uncovered by any sort of shade.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” Five murmured, looking around disdainfully. 

You had overcome your fear for now, and you looked around the living room with interest. 

It was clean at least, but the furnishings left a lot to be desired. There was a single recliner in the center of the carpet facing a TV mounted on the wall in front of you. There was also a squashed looking chesterfield, which seemed as if it was only there for form’s sake; a vague gesture at the idea of having guests.

Other than that, there was a small table beside the recliner and a couple of IKEA-looking bookcases, each filled to the brim with books. Otherwise, the room was empty. 

“Well, I’m definitely still single.” Five said, nodding to the sparse decor slightly bitterly, “Figures.”

“Yep, it’s not great,” you confirmed, grimacing.

He glanced down at the briefcase and then around the room again.

“It’s definitely Christmas Eve,” he said, “but I guess I got nobody to put up a tree for. What would be the point?”

There was a voice from the other room and you both fell silent.

“Oh, that’s great. Tell him I say hi.” 

It was Five’s voice, and it was followed a half second later by Five himself coming into the room. 

“Really?” the Five beside you said, a mixture of disappointment and incredulity in his voice. 

The decade-older Five was wearing a pair of pajama pants, no shirt, and was sporting a chevron mustache that didn't suit him. He held a phone wedged between his ear and shoulder, and his well-abused slippers shushed against the carpet. 

He was carrying a beer in one hand and what looked like some sort of frozen dinner in the other: constituted beef packaged into steak-esque shapes was sitting on a bed of soggy green beans. On the side, there was a dump of watery potato puree masquerading as mashed. 

“This is so depressing,” Five said, cringing at the sight of himself.

“That mustache does make you look like a child molester,” you agreed.

“Thanks." 

“Mm-hm,” said the future Five, placing his sad meal on the table and settling himself in the recliner, facing away from you, “well that’s nice to hear. Did the gifts for the kids arrive...Good, good.”

He picked up the beer and took a swig, using the remote to turn on the TV and immediately mute it, flicking through the channels as he spoke on the phone. 

“Me? Oh, I’m fine. Just relaxing, you know?”

He paused in his channel surfing on a showing of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, set down the control and watched it as he continued the conversation.

“You know me, I hate Christmas … Yeah, I’m happy as hell here.”

Five winced beside you. 

“I’m guessing that’s a lie?” you murmured, looking at your Five sidelong.

“Yup,” Five said, grimly, “the only thing I hate worse than people is being alone.”

Five’s future self lifted his dinner onto his lap and speared a limp green bean onto his fork.

“How’s Luther?” he said, “Life and soul of the party, right? … Sure, sure … good for you.”

He took a few more bites of his meal, ‘uh-huh-ing’ and ‘mm-hm-ing’ occasionally at the voice on the other end of the line. 

 Well,” he said, an almost undetectable tinge of sadness in his voice now, “maybe next year.”

His tone made it so clear that he didn’t hold out much hope that you didn’t even bother conferring with the Five beside you.

“You guys got your New Years planned? … Nice, nice … do you know what everyone else is doing?”

He stayed quiet as he listened, eating some more and throwing out another mm-hm or uh-huh as the conversation required. 

“Huh?” he said, eventually. “I’ll probably hit the bars with a couple of friends. Maybe do the big countdown in Times Square or wherever.”

“I’m lying,” Five said to you, flatly.

“Yeah, yeah,” the Five in the chair continued, “well I’ll - what? … Oh. No, that’s fine. Have fun tomorrow. I gotta go now anyway … alright … yeah, Happy Christmas. Bye Vik.”

When the call ended, he put down his knife and fork for a few moments, sighed, and then lifted his eyes back to the TV and began eating once more. 

“This is what I get.” Five said dully, watching himself finish the last third of his meal. 

You looked from the Five facing away from you in the chair to the Five beside you, his expression haunted.

“But this is just a future that might be, right?” you said, half asking, half attempting to reassure him, “This isn’t set in stone.”

“If I don’t get my shit together, this is where I’ll be.”

“But you talk like you’re past all hope,” you said, bracingly, “You just have to make a change.”

“Yeah,” he said, though not sounding convinced. 

“And even if you get like this, it’s not like it’s too late to make it right! You’re, what, in your thirties here?” 

“Over eighty,” Five said. 

“Well, whatever,” you continued, “the one thing you got is time. If that Five pulled his finger out of his ass, he could go fix it. It’s not like anyone’s dead.”

As you spoke, the older Five finished his meal and began to channel surf again.

“I was alone for a very long time.” your Five said, “It does something to you.”

You watched him in silence as he continued. 

“When my brain was developing the finer points of empathy, I didn’t have anyone around to empathize with. There was nobody real to practice on while my brain was still plastic.”

You looked from him to the Five in the chair, considering him as you listened. 

“I feel like…maybe I’m doomed.” Five continued, “This is my mind’s comfort zone; nobody around to force me to be an actual human being. Nobody to challenge me, nobody to compromise for. Nobody to force me to be better by expecting more of me.”

Your attention was suddenly caught by the television.

“Uh, Five?”

“It’s like I’m stuck in this pattern of -”

“Five, seriously.”

This got his attention, and he looked at the TV in horror.

“Oh my god!” he cried, almost dropping the briefcase.

On the screen, there were two women gyrating against one another in barely-there Santa-themed lingerie. From the chair, a rhythmic shuffling sound confirmed the worst. 

Horrified, Five grabbed you by the back of your sweater, pulled you out of the room and into a sad looking bedroom. 

“I am so, so sorry!” he said, sitting down heavily on the bed and hiding his face in his hands, “I can’t believe you had to see that!”

You tried extremely hard to keep the laughter in, but a little burst bounds despite your best efforts. 

“I’m sorry,” you said back to him, looking up at you with a red, mortified face made even worse by your reaction, “I’m really sorry to laugh, I don’t want to embarrass you. It was just so unexpected!”

He hid his head in his hands again and groaned, just as the Five from the living room gave an audible groan of his own.

This was too much, and you fell into helpless giggles.

“I’m - s-so ….sorry!” you managed, struggling to speak against laughter that had you doubled over and leaning against the wall for support, “I’m not… I’m not j-judging you, it’s j-just… really f-f-f-funny!”

You struggled to get ahold of yourself, managing it with difficulty, and Five recovered himself just enough to look up at you, mortified. 

“I’m glad one of us is enjoying this at least.”

At this, all your hard work was undone and you bent double again, breathless with laughter.

“T-t-two of us are enjoying it!” you wheezed, gesturing in the direction of Five’s counterpart. 

Five’s face crumpled, but then a pained snort forced its way out, and then he was laughing too. 

“I can’t believe I masturbate to cable porn.” he said, agony in his voice, “That’s the worst part!”

You sat down beside him on the bed and put your arm around his shoulders, giggling breathlessly, his own reluctant laughter just adding to the hilarity. 

In this manner, the laughter gradually faded, and you finished up leaning against one another, still chuckling occasionally. 

Turning to him, you looked at his expression. Though he still looked amused, there was equal humiliation and misery in the lines of his face.

“Listen to me,” you said, softly, “you’re not doomed to loneliness and cable porn. You’re not… you’re not broken, maybe just a little bent.”

“Thanks,” he murmured, bowing his head and letting it rest gently against yours. 

He let out a little breath, as if he were laying down a heavy burden he knew he would have to pick up again all too soon. 

At this close quarters, you could smell that menthol scent again; eucalyptus, perhaps a hint of citrus.

And, rather like the night you wiped salt away from his chin, your body acted without your brain’s involvement. 

You pressed your lips to his scarlet temple, and then withdrew. 

Five looked surprised, and he lifted his head to look at you, only a few inches apart. 

“Thanks,” he said, again, though he mouthed it this time, the word barely articulated.

You looked at each other, caught in this strange, frozen moment. Both of you sat there, paralysed, completely unsure what might happen next.

And then, a particularly drawn out moan from the living room snapped you both back to reality. Apparently the other Five wasn’t far off finishing his visit to the land of cable porn. 

“We should go,” Five said, quickly, drawing away from you quickly and fumbling in his breast pocket for the vial containing your hair.

“Sounds good,” you said, brightly, hiding the awkwardness with jollity. 

There were a few exquisitely embarrassing moments as Five exchanged the hairs in which his older self was putting on rather the auditory show.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Five chanted as he worked, finally succeeding in slamming the DNA housing back into place and setting the briefcase.

With no preamble, he grabbed your arm and you both thankfully vanished into the ether. 

When you rematerialized, it was to find yourself in your bar on a busy night. 

“Thank God.” Five said, still bright pink.

He looked briefly down at the briefcase:

“Yep, same night.”

The bar looked relatively unchanged, though the fixtures and fittings had been upgraded at some point in the ten years that lay between you and this permutation of Maggie’s. There was the same half-assed tinsel around the window frame as the sole concession to the fact it was Christmas Eve.

On the corner table, a group of men donning Santa hats were singing an uproarious version of Jingle Bells, their drinks up over their heads and swaying in unison. 

There you were, behind the crowded bar as usual, shaking a cocktail with one hand and pulling a pint of lager with the other, working with the same, ruthless energy you always did, face hard and steely in concentration. 

Robbie was gone, it seemed, because you didn’t recognise the two employees helping to fend off the rest of the crowd of customers baying for booze and jacked up on Christmas cheer.

“This doesn’t seem fair,” Five said, “You’re doing great, but a few miles away I’m…wanking into a TV dinner like Ebenezer Splooge!”

“I look so much older,” you said, not listening and instead eyeing the first hint of crow’s feet emerging around your eyes.

“You look great,” Five said, impatiently, “This just proves that I’m the problem. You’re perfectly happy, and I'm a mess.”

He watched you almost wistfully, both envying your future and admiring your command, as he always found himself doing whenever he visited Maggie’s. You really were a sight to see behind that bar, and ten years had only added more skill. 

As another large table began to join in with the Jingle Bells guys, you said something that Five didn’t quite catch, and he tore his eyes away from the future you to look at the you beside him.

He was surprised to see tears streaming down your face.

“I’m not happy!” 

You fell against his chest and cried tears more violent than any you’d cried that night.

Five stood there, bewildered, as your desperate tears began to soak through his shirt. 

“Okay, okay,” he said, soothingly, “I’m gonna take you home, alright?”

He fiddled with the briefcase with difficulty, peering over your shoulder to set it where he held it behind your back. With a couple of pushes of buttons, he succeeded, and you were at last standing once more in your darkened living room, the high wind buffering the windows. 

Five looked briefly down at the briefcase for confirmation.

“Ten minutes after we left,” he murmured, satisfied, “Quantum suspension engaged, so no doppelganger for me. We’re good to go from here.”

This done, he lowered you both onto the couch, letting the briefcase bump down softly onto the floor. 

For a few moments, he simply held you against him, and then he shifted his grip to hold you by the shoulders in order to look into your face. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, “Why did seeing that make you cry?”

You shook your head and closed your eyes to weep once more, sobs overtaking you.

“Hey,” Five said, shaking you gently, “given all the shit you've seen about me tonight, you can at least tell me that!”

When this didn’t yield the desired result, he sighed and pulled you back against his shoulder.

“Okay, cry it out for now, but I’m not leaving until you tell me.”

You did cry it out, sniffling against his pure white shirt without a worry for how much you might be ruining it. Right now, he felt warm and safe. His was the only comfort you could imagine taking as waves of revelation broke upon you. 

His was the only comfort you could take, you realized.

Many of your bridges were burned, others had simply rotted away from lack of maintenance, and others yet had been severed by the loss of the other side. The end result was the same: you were very short on bridges. 

In truth, Luther, Robbie, and Five’s bridges were probably the only three you had left.

Luther had maintained his well, without your help, yet earlier today you’d launched a Molotov cocktail at it, leaving it in danger of burning down if you didn’t take action.

Robbie’s was a thin and sickly little bridge, barely a bridge at all. It could have been stronger, you knew, if only you’d allowed him to build as he wanted. 

And Five’s? Right now, it was the only one that could support your weight. It was untested before tonight, yet it was standing firm beneath your feet.

“I’m not happy,” you repeated, when your sobs had subsided enough to allow you to speak, “I haven’t been happy for a long, long time.”

Five’s arms tightened around you.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured.

“Ever since my grandma died. I’ve felt…”

You broke, took a couple of breaths, and tried a different way of explaining it. 

“I looked at myself behind that bar, and I realized I have no idea who that woman is.”

Five nodded slowly, though you could tell he didn’t really understand. 

“I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I just know that I don’t want to be her in ten years’ time.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because she’s exactly the same as I am now!”

Five gave another of those slow nods, processing. 

“Tell me if I’m way off base,” he said, tentatively, as if he’d just drawn a tenuous red line between points in his mind, “your grandma died, and you took over Maggie’s immediately, right? When you were twenty one?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that maybe you threw yourself into managing the place to avoid… actually grieving her?”

You made a small, wounded noise, a fresh wave of tears descended, and you nodded against his chest.

He reclined on the couch, taking you with him as he fumbled behind you to pull a blanket over you. It was warm, comforting, and it made you cry harder in relief.

“Maggie’s was never your baby,” he said, softly, “it was hers.”

You nodded.

“Do you even like running it?”

You shook your head, admitting it for the first time with a shuddering outward breath.

“Everything she did for me. I can’t just let that go. That bar was everything to her.”

Five shook his head.

“You think she gave you that bar so that you could chain yourself to it?”

“No.”

“Then sell it.”

“No!”

“Well, then find something in the middle!” 

You sniffled and took a few moments to regain some composure. 

“I don’t like managing the bar, but I like mixology. When I make cocktails, it reminds me of her and it feels good.”

“Then stick with mixology and ditch the rest,” he said, as if it were obvious.

You shook your head.

“I can’t let her down. If - if I don’t make it a success then… then I’ll be proving she was wrong to trust me with it.”

“Sounds like you got your thinking backwards to me,” Five scoffed. 

“What do you mean?”

“You said she always fought for you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re acting like she raised you just to make sure there would be someone around to make Maggie’s a success. Seems more likely that she worked her ass off in the bar to make sure she could leave something behind for you.”

You couldn’t help but see the logic in this, but still, something niggled:

“The bar’s her legacy. I can’t abandon it.”

“You’re her legacy, idiot.”

His logic had done little to dispel your doubts, but this emotional truth smashed through them with the force of a wrecking ball. 

You remembered her twinkling at you at fifteen as she taught you to make your first margaria, you remembered her beaming with pride when you first made a cosmo by heart, and you remembered her on her deathbed, pressing her rhinestone necklace into your hand and telling you how proud she was, how successful you’d be. 

You remembered her taking her in your arms and making you feel safe while your parents screamed. 

It wasn’t the bar, it was you. It was always you. 

And you were crying once more: hot, cleansing, healing tears.

“I miss her,” you hiccuped against Five’s chest. 

“I know,” he said, stroking your hair.

For the next several minutes, you cried yourself dry. And then you felt better. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, slightly hoarsely, “I cried all over your shirt.”

“I don’t mind,” Five said.

In truth, he could have stayed there all night with you in his arms, wet shirt or not. You stopping crying was bittersweet: your grief was over, but it meant that soon he’d have to stir himself, say his goodbyes and probably never touch you like this ever again. 

“Can I get you a nightcap?” you asked. 

“Sure.”

You extracted yourself from him and looked on the kitchen shelf that stored your private booze. 

“Tequila shot?” you asked him, with a mischievous grin. 

“Perfect,” he smiled back.

God, the pain your little grin caused him. Like a knife to his stomach. 

You returned to the couch with two shots of tequila and held one out to him. He took it with thanks, and you sat down again. 

Five raised his glass.

“To Maggie,” he said.

“To you,” you countered, “the man who said he didn’t have enough empathy.”

Five chuckled, and you clinked your glasses together before throwing them back, revelling in the heat as it went down. 

“I’d better take my leave,” Five said, when he’d recovered from the shot.

You nodded, and you both stood.

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’d like you to come for Christmas tomorrow. But no pressure. I’m going to do things differently on my end this time, and none of that’s on you.”

“Thank you,” you said.

He bent, picked up the briefcase, and you followed him to your apartment door. There, he turned to look at you and held out his hand once more.

“Happy Holidays,” you said, solemnly, taking his outstretched hand.

Five raised your linked hands to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of yours.

“Happy Holidays,” he replied, and left.

Read Chapter Five >> (Final chapter!) I FEED OFF COMMENTS AND REBLOGS YUM YUM YUM

The Last of the Spirits — The Pointing Finger by John Leech, 1843 in Dickens' A Christmas Carol, first edition (1843).

Dickens' A Christmas Carol full text available here.

Read it! It's a much better than this, and you can see how many lines I stole verbatim or clumsily referenced.

Dividers used in this series by @bernardsbendystraws (garland) and @strangergraphics (lights) My husband (Mr Mango) also wishes it to be known that he came up with Ebenezer Splooge. It was him, it was him, it was all him! Here he is, at the bottom, where he belongs.

Taglist: @nevbrooke-555, @fiannee, @abeeabee6969, @chalametabingbong, @lolawassad, @icantpickanamefromonefandom @thebearmage @kaybreezy3000, @starlitflora (comment to be added or removed)

Megalist

Request info + rules

I take Five requests, I'm fairly versatile in what I write (fluff, smut, angst, psychological character study- I'll try it all) but I will consider them on a case by case basis. See request info + rules for request status and more.

[buckybarnesss]

been watching some mcu reactions lately and god i'm still so mad how hard they fumbled some of the character arcs. especially steve's.

a character who has said in the comics:

“it’s tempting to want to live in the past. it’s familiar, it’s comfortable. but it’s where fossils come from. my job is to make tomorrow’s world better. always has been.“

and they made this character retreat to the past under the guise of retirement.

the "i can do this all day" guy.

one of the first things bucky says in the first avenger as they go to the world exposition of tomorrow is:

steve: "where are we going?"

bucky :"the future."

it hints at their eventual fates as men out of time but it purposefully puts the characters in a forward/progressive/future thinking space for the audience.

in winter soldier the whole central struggle for steve to adjust to his circumstances is presented by peggy:

peggy: "the best thing we can do is start over."

i guess that means dumping all the friends you made, that you fought with and that fought for you and go back to a woman whose long dead, had a life of her own and create an alternate timeline while ignoring the implications of doing that. cool, cool, cool.

again in winter soldier the plot point of zola's algorithm is that it predicts the future by using someone's past.

when i first watched the movie i thought it was a heavy handed line that pointed to how steve wasn't going to give up on bucky and that bucky's past as steve's friend was going to lead to him breaking through hydra's brainwashing and conditioning.

which he did with steve's invoking of their fucking marriage vow of "to the end of the line"

bucky saved steve's life in the end. his past predicted his future.

apparently this wasn't heavy handed enough for everyone including the people who wrote the goddamned script.

even the marketing of endgame didn't match the close of steve's arc. pepperridge farm recalls the remember the fallen ads.

bucky was the heart of the captain america trilogy. bucky barnes was always the emotional center of steve's motivations in his own movies. the reason steve becomes captain america as we know it is because he goes to rescue bucky once he learns of the capture of the 107th.

i think it's kind of been ignored that steve was going behind enemy lines by himself to either save his best friend, find his body or die trying. it was a suicide mission that ended up being successful.

which actually bookends the end of the movie when steve puts down the valkyrie in the water. steve goes on another suicide mission in bucky's name but he doesn't walk way from it. bucky's dead and there's no body to recover and steve echoes bucky's fall.

in fact, he all but tells peggy he won't coming back because he references their conversation from the bar where she asks if he respected bucky's choice.

steve: "peggy, this is my choice."

the first avenger subtitle is in direct reference to steve avenging bucky. he goes from "i don't want to kill anyone." and "i don't like bullies" to "as soon as i finish this, i'm after johann schmidt. i'm going to burn every hole there is for him to hide in. and i'm not going to stop until he and all of hyrda is captured or dead."

this attitude comes back around in winter soldier and it's very revealing in the conversation steve has with fury because fury susses out the crux of it.

fury: "we have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is HYDRA. we need to get pass them, insert the server blades, and maybe, just maybe, we can salvage what's left..."

steve: "we're not salvaging anything. we're not just taking down the carriers, nick, we're taking down SHIELD."

fury: "SHIELD had nothing to do with it."

rogers: "you gave me this mission, this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed."

fury: "why do you think we're meeting in this cave? i noticed."

rogers: "and how many paid the price before you did?

fury: "look, I didn't know about barnes."

rogers: even if you have, would you have told me? rr would you have compartmentalized that too? SHIELD, HYDRA, it all goes.

this is not to say steve doesn't have moral motivations as we see in all of his movies. particularly civil war where way too many assume it's only about bucky which isn't the case at all. the accords were terrible and steve was right to object them just as he was right to object to extra judicious punishment against bucky from both tony stark and multiple governments.

endgame's tag line was avenge the fallen. all well and good. we see multiple characters trying to cope with the situation. some better than others. which is to be expected in the wake of such a cataclysmic event.

but for some reason they have steve focusing on peggy cater who had died several years in the past and hadn't even "died" in the snap. it's tonally wrong because why isn't he focusing on the people he did lose in the snap? t'challa, sam wilson, wanda (and vision), and bucky.

it's weird.

his decision at the end even comes out of nowhere. there's no real hinting that steve wants to go back to the past permanently. it's bittersweet that he sees peggy again when they're in the past for sure but like, really. i'm supposed to believe he wants to throw away his life in his current present?

it has and never will sit right with me.

they got as close to an "just this once everyone lives!" ending as they could and steve just fucks right off. no proper reunion with bucky. he leaves sam to deal with the burden of captain america and just fucks right off.

it's ham fisted bullshit that doesn't align with the character as presented in the past several outings.

to me bucky was the one thing that steve had of his past that he could carry forward. that they could and would carry forward together.

how dare i believe to the end of the line meant to the end of the fucking line because lines have no end.

but i am boo boo the clown.

[rainbowswirlything]

Sleeper, Protector, Friend and Foe – The Darkest Faerie and Jerdana

(Or: In This Essay, I Will Overanalyze A Couple of Neopets Characters)

The eleven heroes who Altador chose to help found and lead his city drew his attention in numerous ways. Siyana discovered and thwarted a plot to raid a village, Florin cured a plant blight, Marak mediated peace between his underwater village and land-dwellers they’d come into conflict with, Gordos rooted out corruption in his town…

...but two of the Protectors of Altador were chosen because they saved the life of King Altador: the Sleeper—aka the Betrayer, aka the Darkest Faerie—and Jerdana, the Protector. As it turns out, there are a few interesting parallels/contrasts between these two characters.

Recruitment Order

The way the Book of Ages is written suggests that the order in which the 12 founders are presented is the reverse of the order in which they were recruited.

For one thing, Altador’s chapter (The Hunter) is the last out of the founders, and he obviously was the first to get onboard with the city-founding plan—it was his plan to start with.

For another, in Jerdana’s chapter, which immediately precedes Altador’s, it doesn’t sound like Altador has recruited anyone else at that point—he’s alone when Jerdana first encounters him, and after she saves his life, he says "With your powers of protection, my just leadership, and the help of other strong hearts, we could make a city of legends." To me, that makes it sound like Altador didn’t yet know who the “other strong hearts” might be.

In addition, in Siyana’s chapter, which immediately precedes Florin’s, after Siyana saves Florin’s village from bandits, Florin “told her that there was a noble Lupe she should perhaps meet,” which suggests that Florin had already been recruited at this point.

If we assume that the recruitment order is indeed the reverse of the chapter order, then Jerdana and the Sleeper were the first and last recruits to Altador’s council, respectively—a pair of matching bookends.

Chance Meetings in the Wilderness

Most of the Twelve were recruited when Altador heard of some heroic deed they’d performed and deliberately sought them out.

Siyana might be one exception—in her case, Florin was the one to suggest she might be a good fit for the council, and she may have even been the one to seek Altador out at Florin's suggestion.

As for Jerdana and the Sleeper--Altador's first encounter with both was out in the wilderness, entirely by chance, and he was a direct witness to their heroic acts (for the obvious reason that said acts involved saving Altador himself).

Jerdana is stated in the Book of Ages to have been a wanderer who helped people she met in her travels but never stuck around in one place too long; however, it’s not clear exactly what the Sleeper was doing out near a monster’s lair. The Sleeper isn’t really given any backstory or any rationale for why she happened to be in Altador’s path; in fact, unlike all the other chapters, we never see the Sleeper outside of Altador’s perspective. After the introductory paragraph, the Sleeper’s chapter starts with Altador going off to hunt a monster, and the Sleeper only appears when she enters Altador’s life by killing a second monster that threatened him.

It's certainly possible that the Sleeper, too, was a wanderer--but one who found it less easy to lean on the hospitality of others. Jerdana, as a Neopet with a talent for protective magic, would have doubtless found it easier to find a warm welcome in Neopet settlements than a dark faerie.

We don't know much of Jerdana's past beyond the fact that she didn't seem to have a place she called home... until Altador found her, and created the city that became that home.

And perhaps it was the same for the Sleeper. Perhaps she, too, felt she had no greater purpose--and no true home--until Altador gave her one. (And later, of course, she attempted to make it hers in a different way--not just her home, but her conquest, her possession, her dominion, hers and hers alone.)

Regardless of where they came from or why they were in the right place at the right time—that’s indeed where they were. If not for their meeting with Altador—especially in the Sleeper’s case, since one could argue that the Werelupes only got the drop on Altador in Jerdana’s chapter because he was distracted talking to Jerdana—the Lupe who dreamed of founding a city may have met an untimely end, and the city of Altador may never have come to be at all.

Protector vs. Destroyer

Of course, the way in which Jerdana and the Sleeper save Altador’s life differs.

Jerdana saves Altador’s life by raising a magical shield to protect him from a threat—specifically, a pack of Werelupes who had snuck up on them. She holds the shield in place until the Werelupes lose interest and run off. Her actions are purely defensive—Altador draws his weapon, but she raises a magical shield.

The Sleeper, on the other hand, saves Altador’s life by using her magic to destroy the threat.

Of all the twelve Protectors, the Sleeper is the only one whose “heroic act” that got her recruited involves a clearly-depicted killing. (She and Altador are the only two of the Twelve explicitly shown killing another creature within the Book of Ages, both in the Sleeper’s chapter—even if that creature was a monster.)

Even Torakor, the champion gladiator, isn’t directly depicted as killing anyone in his chapter. We could just as easily imagine that Torakor’s single combats all ended in non-lethal takedowns and that the general he ousted was permitted to flee; the narrative doesn’t tell us otherwise. Even if we assume that, as a member of a military force, he’s probably killed people off-screen… well, that’s off-screen. The point isn’t just about who’s shed blood—it’s about who’s shown shedding blood.

It's possible that, from the Sleeper's first meeting with Altador, she felt that she had something in common between herself and Altador in that they were both ready, willing, and able to spill blood, if need be--though not quite to the same degree, in the end.

Going back to Jerdana—there isn’t really any explanation why she chooses a purely defensive approach. Magic in the world of Neopia tends to be on the “softer” side of the spectrum—magic does what it does, as the narrative requires, without a lot of hard rules to define it, and the capabilities of independent magic users are often not well-defined either. It’s certainly possible that Jerdana simply isn’t capable of using the same sort of attack magic the Sleeper does, or that she can’t use offensive and defensive magic at the same time.

But it’s also possible that Jerdana is making a deliberate choice—that she does not want to inflict harm on others even if they wish to harm her.

If so, this is a philosophy she still holds after the Sleeper becomes the Betrayer.

Protector, Not Destroyer: Jerdana’s Orb

The Doylist explanation for why the Darkest Faerie is still alive despite being a massive threat to Altador is, of course, that it was kind of necessary for the plot. Also, this is Neopets, and they don’t tend to kill off characters--villains are more likely to be defeated in a way that leaves the possibility they may return in a future story. (Even Hubrid Nox, who was unambiguously killed during the Faeries’ Ruin plot, is still hanging out in Neopia as a ghost.)

However, if we switch to a more Watsonian framing…

The Sleeper is a threat to everything that Jerdana holds dear. She was once a friend—but now she’s a bitter foe who, if not stopped, will harm all of Jerdana’s other friends. There’s one sure way to end the threat the Betrayer poses and ensure she never threatens Altador again—and that’s by ending her.

But that’s not what Jerdana does.

She doesn’t seek to destroy the Betrayer, but to contain her. She creates a magical Orb to turn the Betrayer into a statue—and the spell is very much not permanent, as shown in The Darkest Faerie PS2 game as well as The Wraith Resurgence plot.

It's true, Jerdana may have been inclined towards mercy for the fact that she and the Sleeper had spent decades as allies--as friends. But still--in her chapter of the Book of Ages, she showed no less mercy to enemies who were total strangers.

The only point at which Jerdana’s Orb causes the Darkest Faerie bodily harm is after the Darkest Faerie tries to use its remnants to make a magic ring to strengthen her powers. It's the Darkest Faerie’s influence that turns Jerdana’s Orb—designed not to do physical harm—into something that can cause harm to others... and, it turns out, to herself as well.

(That said, it seems likely, given the Darkest Faerie’s quote on her TCG card—“Fyora stole one thousand years from me, and that was about what it took for me to plan my revenge”—that the Darkest Faerie was conscious to some degree during her imprisonment… which probably wasn’t great for her mental health. But hey, her physical health seemed more-or-less intact once the Orb was removed!)

Another interesting thing to consider—in some alternate history in which Jerdana was the one to betray the other members of the council, would the Sleeper have shown the same restraint, or would she, if Jerdana became a threat to all she herself held dear, have slain Jerdana--even if she felt sorrow in doing so?

Final Thoughts

The Sleeper and Jerdana are, in a way, foils for each other. The Sleeper is the final recruit, the one who won her place through killing a threat, and the one who uses her magic to try to conquer the city; the Protector was the first recruit, won her place through protecting without killing, and is the one whose magic saves the city.

There’s a lot of empty space in the story of Altador’s Golden Age—the time during which all Twelve Protectors sat on the city’s council, faithfully serving Altador’s citizens. We know, of course, that the Sleeper became the Darkest Faerie at some point—but the details are left fairly vague.

After the on-site Altador mini-plot is completed, Jerdana says that conquering Altador “was something [the Betrayer] had secretly desired since before the kingdom was even founded.”

However, Jerdana isn’t all-knowing—and she has good reason to see the Darkest Faerie in an incredibly negative light right now, so she's not exactly an unbiased source.

So, here we venture further into my own interpretation of the Sleeper's character.

Personally, I’m inclined to think that the Sleeper was, at the beginning, genuinely friends with the others--including Jerdana--and only years later turned against them and plotted to take over the city, which then raises the question--how and why did that change happen?

It's possible that, in her frustration at being unable to steer the city in the direction she desired, she may have become increasingly resentful--and that resentment may have been colored by the events surrounding her first encounter with Altador.

Whenever her ideas were rejected—when her visions for what the city of Altador might be were refused—perhaps there was a tiny voice in the corner of her mind that whispered “But you wouldn’t even have this city if it weren’t for me! I saved Altador's life! Surely that means something!”

Except Altador was only around to save because Jerdana saved him first.

Once resentment and ambition took greater root in the Sleeper’s heart—did it begin to sting for the Sleeper to know that she wasn’t the only one to whom Altador owed his life—and that, moreover, she wasn’t even the first?

The last recruited, whose vision was rejected by King Altador when she sought to increase the city’s influence through conquest—might she have developed a particular resentment for Jerdana, the first at Altador’s side, the one whose philosophy of defense-sans-offense had been accepted as policy? (Not only her philosophy, of course, but still.)

"I saved your life, too, but you listen to her, you value her input--you value everyone else's input--you won't let me do what I'm good at--you recruited me for my power, but you won't even let me use it... well, maybe I don't need your permission!"

Of course, whatever the Sleeper/Betrayer felt towards Jerdana personally before spending a thousand-and-change years as a statue, she surely resents Jerdana after having been bound by her magic.

And Jerdana, for her part, with all her happy memories from decades spent side-by-side with the Sleeper gone sour after the latter’s betrayal, seems to believe that the Sleeper was never truly her friend at all.

[girl4music]

The really clever thing about 'The Debt' that I always paid attention to is that none of the characters surrounding Xena in her backstory are actually evil no matter what Xena goes through. They all seem to hold a "weakness" or a place of compassion in their heart somewhere and it's mainly more so the circumstances that cause them to act or behave one way or another to each other. In fact the only character that seems to be really so far gone in terms of emotional connection is Xena. That's really why the juxtaposition from Borias to Lao Ma works as well as it does because she goes from a relationship that's completely about taking and having power - using and abusing each other in order to just get what they want out of their environment regardless of the way they treat each other within it to a relationship filled with care and compassion and tolerance and love in all kinds of ways. Lao Ma always puts Xena first despite how Xena's treated her and even though Xena doesn't understand why she would help her or how she could be nice to her after what she's done to her, Lao Ma is consistent in trying to get Xena to understand that a self-serving desire does not benefit either the giver or the taker in the longterm. That she's merely just poisoning her soul all the more the more she lives for herself in this very hateful, vengeful, wilful, destructive way against humanity. Xena says it's about survival why she behaves like this. That she's only dealing out the brutality that she's been dealt back. But Lao Ma rightly points out... she's already dead spiritually, emotionally, mentally. She's really lost the will to live in the sense of allowing the world to show her that it can be kind and beautiful too. That she's not even giving it the chance to be good to her back. To treat her better because she's already resigned herself to its pains.

'The Debt' story arc is so cleverly, carefully and intentionally crafted to show you that that path Xena's carved out for herself because of Julius Caesar's betrayal in the breaking of both her legs and her spirit simultaneously is only one that will forever destroy Xena even more and in order to become the person that Lao Ma knows she's capable of being, Xena had to let go of all of that anger within so she could correct and heal not just her body but her entire soul and it's karma because if she could do that - if she allowed that to happen - then she'd finally come to the person that would provide her it all back without asking for anything in return. At the time - Xena thinks this person is Lao Ma. But no, Lao Ma is only preparing her for Gabrielle.

Then for the creators to bookend all of this with the present day betrayal of Gabrielle just makes this story arc all the more powerful because then Xena proves she's truly put aside her past and a life of death and destruction by forgiving her, by understanding her, by loving her even though Gabrielle has done an awful thing to her. She's realized that even though hurt people hurt people - there is still a choice that the individual can make if their ego can allow them to see and get passed the anguish. To choose to comfort instead. That's what 'The Debt' is about. That's what Xena and Lao Ma is about. Watch it again and notice how every character is human and shows their humanity somewhere. Even if it's not to Xena. But they show you that every character in Xena's backstory is not a monster besides one. Ming Tien - who is too young to learn any such lesson and had to be put down because his influence of power would cause far more chaos and pain than his own life was worth and Xena makes the choice to kill him - without telling Gabrielle - because she knows that she created that monster so she knows that he is beyond the pale. He cannot be saved and he cannot be left to his own devices. She makes that judgement call not out of vengeance, but mercy because at the end of the day her cause was for the greater good and the person that originally instilled that conviction into her - that even named her 'the warrior princess' - is not a man, but a woman and the only person that can keep her in that conviction and on that right path that is truly destined for Xena, is also a woman. Gabrielle. Gabrielle is her destiny. Her cornerstone to living. Her future. Her way forward in life and love.

That's the story there. That's what they're really saying in 'The Debt'.

As I've said before... this is not a TV show about heroes vs villains. It's about actions vs consequences. It's about the human conditions and circumstances. It's about doing what we can when and where we believe we should. There is no inherent good or evil, right or wrong..., it all just depends on who we are and how we react in the moment and all the people surrounding us are there to bring that out in us whether we know it at the time or not. That's how life even works. To provide that much reality and truth in an action fantasy show... wow.

I love these episodes so fucking much. I love the characters, the themes, the arcs, the sets. I love the contrasting tones of edginess and grittiness with gentleness and smoothness. I love the LIFE in it when it's otherwise showing you the lead character at her deadest because the point is for her to realize and understand it's not the end for her but she has to make those choices and take those actions and ultimately allow LIFE in again. To allow her spirit to take flight and stop corrupting and sabotaging her own goodness and beauty by constantly choosing hate and revenge and rage and destruction because there's just as much power and control in the opposite.

Lao Ma is known to be hard and soft at the same time like water because she's mastered the ability to silence her ego and will. She's so powerful and influential and disciplined in the way of her being because she's learned how to conquer herself rather than others and we all should honestly learn from her example, not just Xena because humans do get in their own way. We're made that way because we have free will. But then that means that we can choose the opposite. We can freely choose whether to perpetuate our own self-serving goals or look in the mirror and change our life by changing ourselves.

[youareinlove]

food for thought: why the fuck were “the 1” and “hoax” written the same day ??? And why was “hoax” the album closer??

oh i think about this constantly. we know she wrote the 1 first, from a folder of ideas her and aaron had, and she was just messing around and came up with something that ended up being really great. hoax followed suit and it was a harder song for her to write, and she had to call aaron for advice (i think because it was her first time really dabbling in mixed muse territory). when she sent them both to aaron, they both agreed they had to be the bookends of the album.

the 1 feels fairly cut and dry to me (it's a song about a lot of the transformations she'd made in her life at that point and it just came from a lot of musing about the past), and then hoax shortly after makes me think that musing about the past led to other kinds of musings about the past and also how things were slightly questionable in the present. i think hoax had to end folklore because of how open-ended it feels (is it sad? is it happy? is it both?) and at the time the future just felt very open-ended and like a big question mark, and folklore is supposed to be like an emotional time capsule of what that time in history was like for people who lived it

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi, I know you said that chapter 7 was mostly filler so you didn’t love it, but I’d argue it had some important tidbits spread throughout that made it stand out.

Paige is finally back in Azzi’s life, but with their past it feels like she is still trying to figure out her place…hmm

Loved the way you weaved time in this chapter. Felt like maybe you might have been foreshadowing Paige pulling back/leaving a little bit. Idk the line “It’s like they’re trying to reel Paige into their world and keep her there forever, like even if she let go, they wouldn’t let her” and then Stephie waking up being scared that Paige had left without saying goodbye stood out to me. Also the fact that Paige was relieved that Azzi was still there in the morning “a promise kept” and then Stephie waking up and being scared that Paige had left and wanted Paige to promise she would never leave was a fun bit of mirroring.

Paige spiraling about sugar and utensils goes back to her still trying to figure out her place in Azzi’s life. The line “two people who’d once promised to build a world together, had spent the last couple of years, building two separate ones instead” broke my heart a little bit. Paige is gonna have to get used to what the current state of what both of their lives are like. Blending presents while still holding onto the past is tricky.

Stephie, Tullulah, Paige, and vodka was pure gold lol

Not Paige having heart eyes for Azzi when she isn’t even around 😂 The coffee shop scene was very sweet and domestic. Stephie being indecisive like her mother and Paige wanting to buy her all the cookies so she wouldn’t have to decide felt like an extension of her own relationship with Azzi. I could see Paige wanting to spoil and care for Azzi in that same way. Paige is very babygirl in this scene. Again I love soft Paige lol.

The scene with Jana, one thing Paige is always gonna do is tell on herself 😂 Jana is so the rebellious younger child, and I love Azzi and Jana’s mother daughter relationship lol.

Not Azzi trying to keep Paige a secret 😭 Doesn’t seem like they are quite on the same page. The line “But there’s something about being a secret again, that raises a bitter taste of what killed us then could kill us now” left a bit of a pit in my stomach. I know we’re gonna get the full breakup scene, but can’t help but wonder how being a secret factors into Azzi turning down Paige’s proposal. Did Paige propose to try to keep them together since she knew once she got drafted in the league they would be a part? And was Azzi not ready to make their relationship public during her senior year at UConn? This whole exchange of them going to the party together just feels like Azzi holding back. Like part of their problem before was Azzi holding back and Paige jumping head first and here they are falling back into their old pattern.

Ugh not Azzi’s ex being invited to the party and Stephie having a special bond with her. I knew the angst was gonna show up eventually, and I know I’m not ready for what’s to come 😭

The Olympic scene had so many emotions. I wanted to slap Olivia for being a grade A Bitch! The loss of what could have been between Paige and Azzi, and their 2 separate lives colliding once again 😩 Azzi’s clap back to Olivia 👏 made me smile and cheer. The contrast between Paige hyper focusing on the Clezzi edits while her wife is fighting with her, is definitely giving emotional cheating. My heart did kind of feel for Olivia in that scene. The way she just gave in resigned to knowing that she would always be second place 💔. Idk if this was the beginning of the end for them, but it felt like it. Also the contrast and bookend of that scene with Paige watching edits about how Clemence looks at Azzi and then watching an edit of how she herself looks at Azzi was just the perfect angsty touch. Just a very beautiful and raw scene.

The final scene of Paige winning the gold medal has so many emotions built in. Paige and Azzi started out as best friends so it feels natural that they would always just resort back to this even during their break. It’s just kind of their default setting. Both of them just genuinely caring for each other even if they aren’t together or particularly close at the time. And then that gives way to both of them emotionally cheating on their partners (I’m assuming Azzi and Clemence are in fact dating) It’s just very emotionally messy. It does make me wonder about the current history of Clemence and Azzi. If they did date does the team know? Obviously they don’t know about the history between Paige and Azzi. How long ago did they break up? Is this why Clemence was traded to Atlanta? Did it end in good or bad terms? Does Clemence feel about Paige the way Olivia feels about Azzi? I have so many questions lol, I guess I gotta just wait for chapter 8 😅

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to get this long but there was just so much to dive through even in a “filler” chapter. You’re just very good at world building 🙂 Anyway, thank you again for your writing and for sticking to the Monday schedule, I’m very proud of you 😊 Can’t wait to see where you take us in chapter 8, I feel a lot of angst coming and Idk if I’m ready for it 😭

——📚

Hi lovelyyyy I'm so glad you're back!

I'm so happy you caught the parallel and the *potential* foreshadowing. That line actually probably weaves itself into your next point about Paige trying to figure out her place in a world that Azzi built without her. There's so much they're trying to blend together, the past they had with each other, the past had without each other, the present they sort of have together and the future that they want with each other.

You're very hot on the money with some of these questions about the breakup!

I'm glad that y'all seem to understand that while Olivia's a bitch, she's not a bitch without a cause. I try really hard not to write anyone as an outright terrible person cause that's quite one-dimensional and so I'm very happy that, that seems to be coming through. Clémence and her role in Azzi's life will be revealed soon too!

Ah well the people did ask for angst! (but there will be fluff too!)

[stopper-my-heart]

can u make an essay or wtvr ab tori at the end of s2 ep1 bc i feel like no one talks ab how shes literally tearing up at charlies words..

That's a tough one, Anon, because that encompasses a lot. To talk about Tori specifically and her tears during her conversation with Charlie at the end of S2E1 in depth, I think I'd have to dig into Solitaire and the Heartstopper comics and novellas, which is a bit beyond the scope of my aims and abilities at the moment.

As both a fairly quick attempt and one that keeps it to the show (please excuse and/or point out any errors):

In general and from the conversation at the end of S2E1 in particular, we can assume that Tori has seen relatively firsthand how the bullying (and perhaps other things) affected Charlie, and how bad that was -- for him and very likely for her in terms of its impact on her. Note that, nevertheless, for better or for worse, Tori is careful not to centre herself in her conversations with Charlie about how he's feeling: she doesn't raise concerns about herself, and she asks Charlie questions without pushing him to change his feelings or countering with her own worries.

We can also assume that Tori has been noticing at least aspects of the behaviours that Charlie's been exhibiting throughout the show up until this conversation and has seen them before, and that she's especially concerned about the potential for them worsening and is afraid of what may happen if they do. She's also likely aware that Charlie tends to deflect, avoid, and seek to soothe and appease others -- in addition to his other coping strategies -- all at his own expense and while avoiding the issues for himself, which consequently generally prevents him from seeking help or support from others.

So Tori is tearing up almost from the moment she opens Charlie's bedroom door at the end of S2E1 because she's remembering the past and is concerned that history is likely to be repeating itself soon (or for things and/or their impact to become even worse than before).

When Charlie then asserts during that conversation that he will basically be taking on responsibility for Nick's wellbeing to an impossible degree and standard, even if it's to the detriment of his own wellbeing, and "everything's gonna be perfect", Tori's fears are confirmed. She knows that this plan is unhealthy and doomed to failure -- because, even ignoring all other problems with this, perfection is impossible to attain due to interference from life and other people -- and she's afraid of what that will mean for Charlie (and possibly for herself, their family, etc.).

Overall, Tori is scared at what she expects will be ahead and is likely feeling alone and powerless to help Charlie (and herself, her family, etc.). She very likely has her own struggles going on as well.

It's worth noting that the conversation between Tori and Charlie at the end of S2E1 not only draws attention to what's already been present but also sets up attaining and maintaining "perfect" as the undercurrent running throughout S2. Nick and Charlie's emotional conversation at the end of S2E8 (titled "Perfect") then acts as a season-bookend point of comparison and contrast.

I hope this got at what you were wanting, Anon. Thank you for asking. If you're wanting more about Tori and her mindset specifically, I recommend you read Alice's novel Solitaire (in which Tori is the main character) if you haven't already. Be aware though, if I'm remembering correctly, that it contains at least some broad mentions of big things that will happen in S3.

[bookishbrigitta]

3, 9 and 17 for your exchange fic?

Thanks for the ask!

(For fic asks about Some Enchanted Life Day.)

3) Did the idea change at all by the time the fic was complete?

Yes, I originally planned it to be a triptych, with the first part being Life Day 2ABY, the second being Life Day 4ABY, and the third being Life Day with the kids. The idea was actually for it to center around the spare room cot, sort of a combo of Only One Bed and having to sleep separately at your boyfriend/girlfriend's parents' house tropes. It would shift from Han and Leia dancing around who gets to take it (2ABY), to nervously sharing a bed for the first time in front of the family (4ABY), to being a comfortable married couple.

I realized I didn't have a lot of content for the middle part (4ABY) and that the first part was going to be WAY longer than originally anticipated. So I pivoted to making it a frame story, where 2ABY is bookended by scenes of Han and Leia as parents.

9) Did you get stuck at any point? How did you get past that?

I did get stuck a couple of times, and I was lucky enough to have you as my sounding board! I had a hard time deciding to drop from 3 to 2 Life Days, and I also needed some advice on writing pre-relationship Han/Leia. You were stellar! :)

17) Talk about the fic’s ending. Why did you end it where you did?

In a manner of speaking, the fic has 2 endings. Life Day 2ABY is a story that could basically stand on its own, but I have the "future" scenes on either side.

Finding an overall cutoff point wasn't too hard. I knew I wanted to incorporate some snuggles and references to the kids, so it was simply enough. The real meat of that part was describing the comfort and coziness of Kashyyyk.

An early inspiration for the 2ABY part of the story was actually the Emperor in Mulan telling Li Shang "You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty." It's one of my favorite lines, ever, and I could not shake the idea of Itchy basically grabbing Han by the shirt and telling him that. That final conversation between him and Han was one of the first things I wrote for this.

On the other hand, the scene of setting the table with Lumpy was the very last part I wrote. It was hard to figure out a way to wrap things up with both Han and Leia while still letting them being where they are at the start of ESB. While looking up Wookiee/Holiday Special details on Wookieepedia, I was struck by a drawing of Malla as a young woman with flowers in her hair (fur?) under the section about first meeting Chewie. There was something very timeless and girlish and hopeful about it. Much of this fic is about the tension between past, present, and future, and I took that element of Chewie and Malla's past and wove it into their present as an established married couple. At the same time, we have this overlap or repetition of the cycle with Han and Leia just beginning a relationship, with that one symbol of the flower connecting the youthful and the mature and lending a little foreshadowing.

I was really nervous it would be too corny and nervous about if I was writing Han correctly there. But time was ticking, and I knew I needed to find some hope and take the leap. I sort of realized that Han was nervous, too, and he was also having to kindle some hope in the pursuit of something good, and isn't that what Star Wars is all about? It just felt right.

[gallerygossipgirl]

Straddling Identities at Shutter and Strum

I am excited to share that I got the special opportunity to visit Shutter and Strum a few days before opening so I could get eyes on the exciting new exhibition they have on display.

Upon entering, you really get a feel for the incredible community space Shutter is. Free resources line the doorway; flyers for darkroom classes, art books, punk show posters and free narcan. This is not merely an art space—this is a community-driven initiative that cultivates safety through creativity.

Mostly young people work here, milling about, fixing crooked frames or setting up the DJ booth in back. These kids are part of Shutter and Strum's program that supports at-risk youth by armoring them with creative and managerial skills. What they do at Shutter is nothing short of life changing, for many of them.

Alongside all of that, they also host an exceptional exhibition space for community artists to share their newest works. Shutter has alot of good going on.

As I stepped into the gallery’s main exhibition space, I was greeted by a series of work that felt refreshingly distinct.

The white walls are tightly packed with soft ink paintings, each sandwiched between wood planks. Upon investigation, I recognize the work as suminagashi. This is an ancient Japanese technique where the artist carefully floats sumi ink on water then captures the natural patterns by dipping paper along the water's surface.

Maybe 30 suminagashi paintings line the walls, each uniquely different in their soft swirls. With this technique, the artist can lightly manipulate the sumi, but in the end, the design is defined by where the water takes it. What makes suminagashi so compelling is its inherent balance between control and surrender. The artist's only job is to capture the path nature makes, not to design it.

Beyond the paintings, a large wooden chime sculpture cuts through half the room. This structure is reminiscent of fūrin chimes but it is not being blown gently in the wind, as it would in its natural environment. Here, a small machine connected by rope gently toussles the chime, clanking the wood planks together to create a hollow sound throughout the space. The hum of the machine is palpable, and though a small wooden box attempts to obscure its mechanical workings, the presence of technology is undeniable.

The last end of the gallery holds a wooden shelf packed full of dorodango mud sculptures on wire stands. Dorodango is a process of compressing soil and pigment together into spheres. These beautiful orbs bookend the exhibition with their intense stature amongst simple display. They feel like the physical embodiment of what the sumi paintings are touching on; navigating materials sourced from nature to speak on the self.

Jonathan Nishimoto is the artist here, a fairly new name to the art game in Colorado Springs. Nishimoto is an entrepreneur, adventurer and tradesman more likely found tinkering with 3-D printing or laying flooring with his local construction crew. He was a volunteer fire fighter, a high school science teacher and student of physics all in another life.

According to his social media, Nishimoto got into his creative practice just a few years ago as a way to navigate the grief around his father's passing. He craved a way to reconnect to his Japanese roots and the traditions left behind, now that his father had gone. Through mediums like origami, kintsugi, and dorodango, Nishimoto has found ways to honor and explore these traditions, and suminagashi now serves as that bridge between past and present.

The references to those traditional techniques are quite obvious in this show, but there is a contemporary and fresh feel that's palpable. The mix of such organic materials, work that may be better suited in a space of prayer or meditation, blended with the apparent use of technology, motors and ropes, feels like a nod to who Jonathan is.

A young, Japanese American creative with alot going on. A person balancing multiple identities and multiple lives; one immersed in the creative arts industry and one drawn to the serious business of science and tech. To be all these things means welcoming the interdisciplinary layers that are often deemed opposites, not collaborators.

At first, I was unsettled by the mechanical intervention in the chime piece. It seemed like this was not a job for a buzzing piece of metal. I now realize this discomfort is likely intentional. We live in a time where the old and new constantly collide, where our identities are not fixed but constantly evolving.

More than ever, we have to know who we are and tell our stories as such. As multi-identifying people, it's distinctly important to fight the boxes that define us.

This work straddles all of who Nishimoto may be. There is a distinct nod to tradition steeped in cultural pride all while there is a mechanical and hardened force at work. Just as we are shaped by the traditions that came before us, we must also adapt and redefine ourselves in the face of an uncertain future. The machine’s presence is a reminder of the inevitable pull of progress, even as we cling to the comforting patterns of the past.

Perhaps that is where the shows title comes from, Mono no Aware. This translates roughly to " A bittersweet beauty found in impermanence." Essentially, it's a sensitivity towards fleeting things.

This exhibition is not only a celebration of cultural heritage but also a recognition of the complexities and contradictions that define us as individuals.

The art speaks to the necessity of embracing both the past and the future, acknowledging that sometimes, we gotta let go and let the sumi flow.

Jonathan Nishimoto's exhibition Mono no Aware opens February 7th and will be on view at Shutter and Strum for the month of February on weekends and by private appointment.

2217 E. Platte Ave, Colorado Springs.

More information on the show here!

Xoxo

Gallery Gossip Girl

[twig-tea]

Love in the Big City Part 3: Kylie Recontextualizes Everything

I have waffled all week about what to write about this chapter. There have been some great essays about HIV and the stigma in Korea by @stuffnonsenseandotherthings here, as well as how antiretrovirals and pre-exposure prophylactics work and when they were available from @wen-kexing-apologist here. This context was all critical to understand everything Young doesn’t talk about in this section of the book. 

I’ve been stuck on so many parts of this section of the book. The way stigma holds people back from care, from maintenance, from life-saving treatment and knowledge, from understanding their condition and preventing them unnecessarily from living a full life, which @doyou000me had me thinking about with their comments about Young’s coping mechanisms of minimization and emotional distance that possibly worked in conjunction with the Korean government healthcare policies and social stigma to keep Young from being informed about his own condition. The way Young holds himself back from happiness, and how it’s so heartbreaking to watch him open up to it slowly in this section and then, as @my-rose-tinted-glasses wrote , he let the shame and self-loathing take control again. The way this relationship feels so real; @lurkingshan wrote so eloquently on how this section describes the details of a relationship as it started to settle. The relationship with Hyung was entirely ephemeral, in the liminal period of time between when Young was visiting his mother in hospital and before everything opened again for the day. There is so much that Young and Hyung never talked about–more than was obvious in chapter 2, because he never told Hyung about Kylie. In contrast, as @bengiyo pointed out, his relationship with Gyu-Ho started with honesty and was rooted in the physical presence of their apartment, which as a beautiful metaphor was grounded and improved slowly over time through the work they put into it but was also too small for them. 

I keep thinking about how Part 3 is bookended by Young disappointing Gyu-Ho with his absence. How he leaves him at the airport both times, thinking he’s doing Gyu-Ho a favour actually–he characterizes Gyu-Ho’s trip to Japan without him as much more fun, and he imagines Gyu-Ho’s future in Singapore will be better. In both cases, Gyu-Ho was only going because of Young, because Young wanted to, and Young planned it. But our narrator cannot get past seeing himself as something that brings Gyu-Ho down, and so he sabotages his own future. I feel for Gyu-Ho, being shepherded onto a plane alone when he was envisioning his future with the man he loved. It must have been devastating to be pushed away. 

This is not related to anything but I just love the detail of Young’s split lip and how he tastes blood when he kisses Gyu-Ho while drunk at the club and not yet knowing his name, and then panics, and we as readers don’t yet know why. Brilliant storytelling. 

I can’t stop thinking about how this reveal recontextualizes everything in parts 1 and 2. How the “incident that earned me a medical discharge” means Kylie was already in Young’s life as he took the engineering student he was seeing with him to get an STD check; as he was screamed at by an ex who prophesied that Young would get sick from being promiscuous and called him a ‘dirty rag that could never be cleaned’, which Young took with stoicism. I loved @bengiyo ‘s observation in his post linked above that Kylie’s presence likely coloured his reaction to Jaehee outing him to her fiance. 

Kylie was present as he watched his coffee be stolen by Hyung, when he thought about introducing Hyung to his mother, while he was wrestling with how Hyung (and, I think the narration makes clear, how he) was ashamed at how Young couldn’t ‘pass’ and was ‘obviously gay’, when he choked Hyung in his mother’s kitchen and it was seeing his tears on Hyung’s face that made Young let go. Kylie was part of him when he drank pesticide and tried to die, while he sat by his mother’s sickbed and had her head in his lap in the park, when he said “disease can turn anyone into a completely different person”, when he said he would “hope that she would die without having known.” 

Mostly, my brain keeps getting stuck on how familiar Young is to me. His choices, his self-loathing, his refusal to take anything seriously because at his core he’s terrified of facing what his reality means. And that fear ironically gets in the way of him understanding that his reality is not as scary as he thinks it is. He functions like he has to be alone, and so much of that comes from his internalized homophobia and his HIV diagnosis. He’s been told he’s dirty, something to be cleaned but irreparable, by so many people in different ways through his life. The man he claims as his greatest love barely even liked him as a person, and didn’t fully know him. I think that’s why he was able to feel more fully with Hyung, because in a way that relationship felt safer..Gyu-Ho, the person who knew all of him, and who wanted to build a life together with that complete and full knowledge of him, must have been terrifying, and I’m not surprised it felt easier to push him away than to fight for their future together. But it breaks my heart. 

There’s something rattling in my head about the T-aras that I don’t really know how to get out onto the page. In this chapter it’s revealed that the T-aras have been around the whole time, but they weren’t mentioned in parts 1 and 2. I think the fact that Young’s life feels more rounded, filled in with other people, and rich, than in parts 1 and 2 speaks to his emotional state in this part, as well as to how his time with Gyu-Ho wasn’t obsession but was more grounded in the mundane and the everyday. The T-aras themselves feel like familiar friends. Like with Hyung and JaeHee (at first), Young is drawn to people who he can remain emotionally distant from and who remain emotionally distant from him. People who will buy the story of “ruptured disc” for why he left military service early. People who joke about being poz and won’t ask questions and who hear the news about his new boyfriend as an ‘in’ to their favourite club. People who don’t take things seriously (or in Hyung’s case take things so seriously that Young can’t take him seriously). I was so glad to find out they existed because up to this point Young felt so isolated most of the time, with his world circling around one obsession in each part. But he had the T-aras the whole time; I’m choosing to read this as he just didn’t hold their importance to him in the same way in parts 1 and 2. As was already clear in the narrative but this makes even more obvious, Young’s isolation is not only self-inflicted but it’s in some ways a lie he tells himself to feel safer. He has friends, he just refuses to acknowledge their presence or importance, or to let them in to be more important, because he is so braced for being rejected for core parts of him that cannot be excised.

[mariacallous]

(JTA) — This past week we entered the Hebrew month of Kislev, the month here in the Northern Hemisphere when we often experience the longest, darkest nights of the year. As the light contracts each day, I experience a tightening in my gut, an anxious fluttering of the heart. Time feels compressed, as if there aren’t enough hours in a day to do everything that needs doing. When the light fades at the end of these foreshortened days, I draw the blinds and turn on the lamps, wanting to make my home into an island of warmth and light in the face of the encroaching darkness.

My trepidation at the onset of night echoes the primal fear of the dark ascribed to the first mythic humans, Adam and Eve. A talmudic tale, found in Avodah Zarah 8a, imagines the two of them becoming frantic as darkness falls at the close of the first day of their lives. They’ve disobeyed God by eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and now they’re terror stricken. “Woe is me,” Adam wails, “that because I’ve sinned, the world is darkening around me! The world will return to chaos and emptiness; this is heaven’s death sentence upon me!”

In this midrash, Adam experiences the arrival of darkness as punishment. His words conjure up the kind of existential shudder that can overtake a person in the dark, as the familiar shapes and colors of the daytime world dissolve into the trackless night. No wonder that darkness is often a metaphor for the scariest of times, times like the present, when awash in grief, fear and anger, we bear witness to the atrocities of war, to hatred unleashed and suffering magnified, to shattered dreams and dampened hopes. “These are dark times,” we tell one another.

Perhaps it’s only natural that humans try to beat back the dark with our hearths, campfires and brilliant winter light displays. We Jews do this beginning on the 25th of Kislev, when we kindle Hanukkah candles in remembrance of the Hasmoneans’ military victory over the Seleucid Greeks and the rededication of the Jerusalem Temple. But on a more primal level, we do this to remind ourselves that even a tiny flame instantly dispels the deepest dark, offering hope, a light at the end of the tunnel.

And yet it strikes me that many of our tradition’s most transformational and transcendent moments unfold in the dark, in a dream space rich with spiritual potency. In Toldot, this week’s Torah portion, for instance, we meet Jacob, whose journey toward self-realization is bookended by two stirring night episodes. Fleeing from his wrathful brother, he has a prophetic dream in which angels ascend and descend a ladder stretching between heaven and earth while God looms over him, promising protection. Returning home some 20 years later, he engages in an all-night wrestling match with a mysterious being, perhaps his own shadow self, who ultimately blesses him as the dawn breaks, renaming him Israel, the one who strives with God and prevails.

Despite the anguish that darkness evokes, the dark times offer unique opportunities. They slow us down, inviting us to rest in the moment. Sometimes they force us to face painful truths. They challenge us to deepen our prayer life, strengthen our faith and resolve, and discover inner resources and possibilities for transformation we might not know we possess.

Years ago, I practiced walking in the woods at night without a flashlight and discovered that when I could breathe deeply and relax into the darkness, over time my eyes would adjust and I could see much more than I thought possible. Not just my eyes, but my whole body began to see in the dark in ways that I couldn’t in the light of day. I could find my way.

Adam and Eve, so the story goes, sat across from one another on that first traumatic night, fasting and weeping. When the dawn finally broke, they realized that the freshly created world was not coming to an end and that the alternation of light and dark, day and night, was simply the way of the world. Had they not felt so guilty and terrified they might have been able to look around with curiosity as the light waned, noticing how their eyes were primed to pick up many subtle shades of gray, the palette of darkness. Their vision might have gradually adjusted to the dark and, in the subtle glow of starlight, they might have been able to pick out the familiar, reassuring features of the other’s face and been calmed and comforted, even in the midst of their distress.

Could it be that in our yearning for the resurgence of the light, we fail to recognize and fully receive the gifts of darkness? That in drawing my blinds against the terrors of the night, I also shut out the vastness of the cosmos, the glimmering pinpoints of distant stars, the radiant winter moon, and the intimate, enveloping quiet of the dark?

[lunapwrites]

Monthly Reading - June

I completely neglected to post my May reading, though admittedly that one got a little personal (yes more than this one), so probably for the best lol. Either way, we're back at it again with my reading for this month, which... is a bit interesting, to tell you the honest truth.

First thing that jumps out at me here is the tarot cards: three of the more "negative" cups cards bookended by two strong intellectual cards. We're dealing with emotional turmoil this month, folks! But the presence and position of the King and Emperor is heartening - this is manageable, and we're going to keep it together.

So, on to the reading proper...

Let's start from the top, shall we? The first rune is Sowilo - the sun. It's indicating joy, success, and good health: a very positive rune, particularly when the most imminent struggle on the horizon is Beansgiving.

The next rune, appropriately enough, is Hagalaz - hail. It's indicating chaos and sudden life-changing transformation, entirely out of my control. Particularly one in which I am being forced to alter my approach to it. [Gestures at Bean, who is still stubbornly slamming that snooze button.] Yeah, uh. Noted.

Finally we have Elhaz - the elk - in the reversed position. Not really the best one to see flipped like this, in context, but not the worst. Normally Elhaz is a rune of protection and good luck. Reversed, however, it's a warning to be on my guard for potential threats and negative influences, particularly from directions I would not normally expect.

The cards, as I mentioned, are telling a story of some inner turmoil on my part, which makes sense given the whole... you know... Bean thing. But going into this in more detail, I really can't separate the King of Swords from the Emperor here because they're kind of the same picture. They're calling for cool logic, and a general masc presence that's almost definitely pointing to my partner, who very much embodies this image entirely. But we're also going to be continuing therapy, which is by nature a compassionate but logical process, so there's a bit of that here too.

Speaking of anxiety, let's take a look at these cups, shall we? Five: we're so fixated on the negatives we can't see the good in front of us. This is in the present position, so... [stares in "past due"] yeah. I'm being the whiniest little bitch right now actually, and having a miserable time. Fight me. Four: this is the depression light card - we're withdrawing from things, we're lacking energy, we're not ready to accept the good in life because we just need some time to wallow and take a long nap, damnit. Being in the future position, yeah I can see why I might want all naps and no socialization. But it is important to remember that people do require basic things like social contact and touching grass, so... hopefully that works out for us lol. Seven: hey remember that time when you said you were going to play this all by ear and not have any expectations? Hahahaha you liar. We still have some wishful thinking to deal with here. Now, that said: this is also a shattering of negative illusions, too. It's a neat little trick we call "reality" and you're about to get checked. In this particular position, the card is indicating this will be a useful tool for me to use one way or the other, likely to help drag myself out of my emotional blergh and connect with my family and friends.

Finally, we have the oracle cards, which are pointing more in that positive direction again (and reinforcing the fact that the Bad is pretty much all in my head.)

Inspire/Wren - the healing power of music cannot and should not be underestimated. Additionally, there's going to be a lot of nonverbal communication and practice with our intuition - makes sense, given that Bean can't just tell us with words what they need/want/feel. We gotta figure that out together.

Play/Monkey - get in bitches, we're healing our childhood traumas. [Points at therapy noted above, and at the entire concept of cycle breaking.] And, pretty obviously, we're being advised to embrace the silly with Bean. Live a little. Play.

And that's all! Overall, not a bad month ahead despite the fully expected and reasonable emotional turmoil and general upheaval, which one way or another will begin this week lol. Fingers crossed everything goes well - wish us luck!

[padmerrie]

Odds and (Book)ends [ongoing ; AO3 link HERE]

Various unconnected snippets set in the Bookends universe, updated whenever inspiration strikes.

Series summary: Kakashi Hatake and Sasuke Uchiha have big ambitions despite their small town roots. So when Sasuke is accepted into a prestigious private high school, Kakashi will do anything to get him there - including reconnecting with Sasuke’s wealthy, estranged grandparents, Madara and Hashirama, and asking them for a big favor: money to pay for the school’s pricey tuition. Presented with the opportunity to become a part of Sasuke’s life again, they're eager to help… but on one condition: in exchange for Sasuke’s tuition, Kakashi and Sasuke must attend a weekly Friday night dinner at their estate. Forced to face their differences and complicated past, Kakashi and Sasuke learn to navigate a new normal all the while trying not to get tangled in the ties that bind.

ᓚᘏᗢ    ᓚᘏᗢ    ᓚᘏᗢ    

Charity

“It’s going to rain.  I just know it.”

Kakashi didn’t bother looking up at the darkening sky.  Ominous gray clouds appeared on the horizon less than a half ago, rolling steadily towards them, and all Iruka had done since then was track their progress with the same enthusiasm as Channel 7’s meteorologist, Sayaka Mori.  Any minute now he was going to ask Kakashi to film his audition tape for a national news network.

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Kakashi mused.  “When we’re raising money to fix the gymnasium’s roof?  At this point it would be easier to convert the gym into a swimming pool.”

His light attempt at humor was, unsurprisingly, lost on Iruka.  “I can’t believe it’s going to rain.”

“Iruka, there are a hundred or so days left in the school year.  I’m sure it won’t be raining on at least one of them.”

Iruka groaned miserably.  “I don’t want to reschedule.”

Now, Kakashi looked up.  “You’re really going to make those kids stand in the pouring rain and beg people to cough up a couple bucks to get their car washed when Mother Nature is already getting the job done for free?"

“But look how excited they are,” Iruka argued, looking over at the student volunteers set up in the school parking lot. 

Excited wasn’t the word Kakashi would use.  A cluster of students sporting identical, homemade t-shirts advertising the charity car wash stood huddled against the cold.  Sasuke was easy to spot, the only one not courageously sacrificing his comfort for the sake of school spirit.  The hood of his sweatshirt was pulled down low over his head, the front zipped all the way up to his neck.  Even with the added layer, Kakashi could tell that he was shivering.  Next to him, Sakura and Naruto talked animatedly to each other and a couple other classmates Kakashi recognized but didn’t know by name.  The comatose expression on Sasuke’s face gave him the distinct impression that he mentally checked out of the conversation a while ago; the only thing keeping him tethered to this mortal plane was the to-go coffee cup clutched in his hands. 

As if sensing him, Sasuke looked up and their eyes met.  He gave an imperceptible shake of his head, his hollow stare mirroring exactly how Kakashi felt.  

We gave up our Saturday for this?

The most Kakashi could do without offending Iruka was nod somberly in solidarity.  

“Oh, I don’t know,” Iruka groused out loud more to himself than to Kakashi as he squinted up at the dark clouds.

“I’ll do whatever you want to do,” Kakashi simply said, and thought to himself, if it wasn’t going to rain, the least Mother Nature could do was save him from Iruka’s chronic indecisiveness.    

A drop of rain hit his head. 

[saptaincwan]

re: plotlines posts...its because r squared were not allowed to be the endgame villians and everyone elses storylines got fucked over in s6. hook killing david's dad is like snowing kidnapping lily..it was a way to put them on the same level of r*g*na (she was the writers fav). Everyone wouldn't have regressed.

OHH i agree So much with rumple and regina being better off as endgame villains 😭 it felt like the s6 storyline (whtever that was) and the show as a whole was building up rumple as being The final obstacle to beat. i think it would've been a super interesting bookend for both of them to be the first and last villains faced!

whilst a redemption arc might've worked for them the way the show was written i did Not like the way it happened. esp in rumple's case. with what canon established i would've muchhh preferred them being the final villains

rest of answer under cut btw srry it got long. tldr; this show is so close but its also so stupid

everyone's storylines def got fucked in s6 LMAOOO i don't know about it being done to put them on rgina's level? at least i hadn't thought about it that way. in general i think it's super interesting exploring how these characters stand morally and how even the heroes can make wrong choices. did i like HOW they went about it though?? no 😭

everything about s6 felt like it was put together on duct tape and a dream. did some of the messages they intended to send effective? did i think these storylines had potential?? yea

but they ended dropping the ball a Lot and thus i just ended up disappointed with 'em... im particularly mad about the david/hook one because i LOVED what they were doing with it.

david growing to truly see killian as a family member, hook being reassured in his place in their family even outside of emma, the overarching theme of letting go of the past and moving forward because there's so much love in your present and future if you're willing to see it.... and then you get smack cammed and for WHAT

i cannot lie i am Not the greatest regina fan. i personally thought her storyline was mid at around 3b and just aeguh once the author plot got introduced so im not totally unbiased in saying the eq split and how much screentime it got pissed me awfff

BUTTT i think im most mad here bc i loved regina as a chara early on, and she had so much potential. the themes of love plunging her into her vengeance quest. how she was out of control of her own destiny with everyone else pulling the strings of Her life.

whether love could've potentially pulled her out of it too, or whether her storyline would've been a foil to emma's/snow's in that she chose NOT to due to the kind of person she'd become.

but no she made out w rumple and that made me want to cry god i hate the eq2 plot so much 😭

sorry for the wall of text i was holdin this in for reall