#partially it's to work out my own feelings on it
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So I'm gonna admit, I had a moment of weakness when I saw the "brothers" line because to each their own, enjoy what you want, but that's not really my cup of tea if you catch my drift. But I sat and thought it over and came out the other side with an even greater appreciation for TreyRid.
And I've just!! Gotta ramble. For all the people I see saying we were robbed.
Trey seeing Riddle as an incredibly smart little brother highlights the importance of their bond in that moment--and just in general really. It's different from just being close friends, it's not often you reach that level of connection and start seeing another person as not just friends, but family without a deep trust and enjoyment of each other, especially from someone who does have actual blood siblings he also really cares about. It's not romantic (right now) but he loves Riddle so much that a large portion of the changes in Trey's dream are literally about wanting him to be happy.
He knew this kid for all of 3-ish months before they were separated, and yet he held on to his memories of Riddle for so long that he went around excitedly talking about him to all his dorm mates! You have not seen hide nor hair of this dude for almost a decade how are you still this devoted to him (it's partially The Trauma oops). And then if that wasn't enough, he spent the entire previous year trying and failing to reforge some kind, ANY KIND of friendship from square 1 while effectively treading water with managing the dorm. He didn't volunteer for this! He could've easily decided nah, screw this, I wanna support him as a regular student instead of vice and either quit the job or, if drastic measures felt needed, peaced out to Octavinelle or some other dorm! But he stayed, and he tried to make it work!
And now post-blot they're getting there, they're both aware they missed each other and that the distance was from repressed feelings rather than a bond broken. They're goofing around again, facing off in games and eating lunch together as a casual thing and just enjoying each other's company. They're letting their feelings show more often (ex: Riddle admitting to feeling like a burden in the Savanaclaw novel after Trey gets hurt). According to Cater they're often together, likely even before Riddle's overblot. There's still so much work they need to do, they're both still deeply traumatized (again thank you Cater lol mvp) and need time to come to terms with what happened. But even though it's only been a few months since they've been back on friendly terms, Trey still admits he holds Riddle to this high familial regard. Trey overtly loves and cares about Riddle SO damn much, and that's canon! Like this might be the most blatant it's ever been stated from Trey's end! Unless I'm being a fool and forgetting! Which I might be!
And here's the thing, they're both still young! Not even out of school yet! And feelings change over time. Sometimes those familial feelings do grow into romantic ones, and sometimes they remain familial. It's a slowburn ship, where as they continue to gradually pick apart and wipe down and stitch up those traumas, those feelings can morph into romance as they watch the other grow and heal. And that's coming from someone who loves exploring a romantic dynamic while they're still in school together heeheehoohoo.
Maybe Trey gets feelings as Riddle pulls away from his mom and matures, heals physically and mentally, the need for coddling fades. Maybe he ends up realizing that the way his heart races when he sees Riddle smile is different from when Chenya smiles, has always been different, and he wasn't able to recognize it until he worked through some of that Mrs Roseheart trauma. Maybe he already knows there's romantic potential there but also knows neither of them are ready for that sort of thing yet. Maybe it ends up being a lifelong queer platonic partnership. There's so many possibilities for their bond it's making my head spin.
I could go into the details of how Chenya being housewarden instead is a change made as a means to an end regarding both his yearning for his friend there to help in the previous year and how denying Riddle the role lets him be free from the pressure and weight of expectations, rather than overt dissatisfaction with Riddle's as a leader (thank you Ortho for that little addition). Or how Trey realizing that Riddle---the QUEEN---always gets the first tart slice was what helped him wake up on his own. But I think I've made my point.
TreyRid wasn't robbed, it was gifted an amazing foundation to build off of, maybe a few steps away from Trey just outright saying he wants to lick whipped cream out of Riddle's mouth.
#treyrid#trey clover x riddle rosehearts#trey/riddle#riddle rosehearts#trey clover#twisted wonderland#tldr their bond is so deep and treyrid still winning#i straight up went through the entire 5 stages of grief for a bit there before i really sat down with it#god i wish i could find that one post i saw about queer love not always needing to be romantic#and how a lack of overt romance doesn't make a story or relationship any less queer#because i definitely think it applies here to them even if i am solidly in the camp of 'it WILL become romantic at some point'#(not that i believe disney would actually allow that anytime soon haha)#and apparently i had a mini essay's worth to shout into the ether about it too lol
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I keep on trying to make a post on FFXVI, but in order to write something that's worth the breath I have to start
"In order to talk about Final Fantasy XVI I have to talk about the Final Fantasy series as a whole"
I then I write like a paragraph and then I'm like "I cannot do this right now and am not sure if I should ever"
#partially it's to work out my own feelings on it#because though i would describe it as both 'good' and 'fun' throughout and that is more than i can say about a lot of recent FF#i have some frustrations#final fantasy xvi#to make a hamburger first you must create the universe &etc
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they should get to kill each other at least twice .i think
#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#lg doodles#i drew this a few days ago but im so tired after work ngl . sittingnin bed like =__= ..#and im visiting family this weekend so idek if ill get to it until next weekend#but ya i love them i loge them so much#i love the tension in atots right after stanford comes back#and hes like writing sll this shit ab stan in the journal#while learning that he stole his identity and so on and stans like hey so i did this rly selfless thing for u can you at least#acknowledge it and they r just stewing in their own anger 😭#actually i love their dynamic so much . the arguing as they mimic each other 1:1 and rhe animosity and#ykw im gna make another post but the grammar stanley scene is my favorite#magbe its not post worthy nvm idc but thats probably one of my fav interactions in the whole series#its so stupid that u know its real HELPPlike yeah that rly isnjust how it is . in fact ive done more over less 🫶#HAHAHAHAH#ugh.love . lovee i wish#i dont think gf needs a continuation im totally in the 2 season boat here#but if they ever did a post series stan and ford exploration ohhh believe . trust tht i would not shut up ab it ever#i want to see them talk so bad . im so greedy bc i feel like they didnt talk enough in the series bc im partial 2 them i just want them in#everything .#i think their personalities are so fun esp bc ford isnt the annoying nerd archetype i like that hes a cocky bitch#and i like that stan is an equally cocky bitch and they both have too much pride that they butt heads over literally everythjng#but they also recognize how ridiculous it all is like 😭. even when theyre fighting over the journal they both r like ok pause r u ok#hmm.. so many ppl here capture their dynamic well too.😭at least the people who dont generalize either into a single personality trait yk#imso tired im tired#but guys i love talking ab ford and stan theybr so everything to me in ways i dnt think incould ever articulate like u see them and u just g#get it . ugh. turning my head and passing out . ford is so funny hes so stupid i love him i cant bekieve i was a ford hater im sorry ive#atoned im changed im a changed oerson i didnt realize the magnitude of his serve .but stanley as my day 1 will never change . just know .(k#idk if anyonf ever reads this fsr down but if u r here say cheesee📸📸
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I made a few new wax seal stamps out of clay (like the ones I did for my worldbuilding stuff forever ago), this time just of random symbols that I thought might look good done in the style of painting over the raised part of the wax or etc. :0c Some of them aren't carved deep enough to really show up that well, but overall they worked okay for being clay lol
#wax seal#crafts#wax stamp#stationery#Window one is kind of stinky.. I was imagining like a swirly night sky sort of looking thing so it would be a surreal contrast of a night#sky with a window in the middle that shows a daytime sky - but the silver and purple wax kind of mixed too much together#with the black and it just looks very plain black and not all that starry or anything hjbhj.. Of course the eye is probably my favorite#since all I ever do is draw eyes and still like eye imagery for some reason. The four leaf clover is very lumpy and skrunkty but also it wa#the smallest in size out of all of them so was easier to do multiple stamps of just to try it out.#The heart with eyes wax is actually more swirly in person. I wanted it to be a mix of light pink and red and white. and the wax#did kind of all blend together but in person you can definitely see MORE of the intentional swirlyness. in this it just looks plain pink.#I was going to do one eye in the heart but it looked weird. but now two seems too plain. i could have done 3?? in a pattern.. hmm#alas. I wish I could make actual metal ones. With the clay i have to paint them in a thin layer of olive oil before stamping because#otherwise the wax just kind of gets stuck in the grooves of the clay and then you can't pull it up. Very wacky ''unprofessional'' looking#set up where I'm hot gluing circles of sculpey clay to short stumps of a wooden dowel that I sawed apart with a serrated bread knife#and then using an old paintbrush to put olive oil on them whilst holding a spoon over a yankee candle flame hjbjh#ANYWAY.. I think if I were middle class/rich/etc. this would be one of the main things in my crafting room is like.. SO many colors#of wax. and all different custom made stamps designed by me. which could be much more elaborate in actual metal.. muahaha.... >:)c#RHGghhh... I actually don't want to talk much about it since (this is probably just my Obsessed With My Own World Artist Delusions) I#think I have a really cool idea for a game that could genuinely be successful if i ever get to make it and I don't want to give#everything away and spoil the whole plot/concept in hopes that one day I can actually do it - BUT - a game that I'd like to make after the#visual novel I'm making now has partially to do with the main character working as a sort of writer/scribe/artist assistant in an elven#city (set in my world/with my worldbuilding species and versions of elves and etc) and I was thinking of maybe incorporating#somehow being able to collect little writing type items like these like.. you can get different wax seal patterns or pens or etc. when I do#stuff like this in Real Life it always makes me think of that like.. ouh... this is good research.. what it shall be like to be a littol#elf collecting wax seals and such.. indeed... GRR i need to be finished with my current game NOWWW... i MUST work on other#thingss... aughh... ANYWAY.. yay. accomplishment to do One Single Thing other than Sit In The Summer Heat And Rot#though also hilarious as this was the first cool-ish day that was below 80F in a while hgvh#waking up like 'wow.. i actually feel okay today?? like I could do things?? how mysterious.. I wonder why..?? :0'' Its The Weather You Fool#Tis Always The Weather
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Honestly it annoys me that pride, ambition, and generally having a big ego are always villainous/evil-coded personality traits because personally I think if you genuinely are a prodigy at what you do you are 100% within your rights, perhaps even deserving, of flaunting your skills and being proud of the fact you can do something that only a small fraction of other people can do. Is it even ego at that point if you genuinely are as good at your field/skill as you say you are? Are people not aware that becoming a prodigy at something is something that takes lifelong sacrifice and practice sometimes to the point of giving up on having a normal life, relationships, etc even potentially destroying your own health???? God I fucking hate how pride in your own skills and ambition are so villain coded all the time. As if it's evil to want to be good at something and be recognized for what you rightfully earned
#squiggposting#this is part of why i like pharma obviously lol but it's happened to me w#other blorbos ive had in the past#bc like full offense if you're capable of doing something like partially inventing the cures to 5 different terminal diseases#in only a few months/a year of research. or if you can do an organ donation and replacement surgery#with yourself as one of the donors. you literally ARE the best doctor who has ever lived#and you DESERVE to flaunt it bc. what fucking achievement is higher than that???#some feats demand recognition in my opinion. maybe it's just bc I've always been competitive#and from a young age enjoyed a (relative) degree of fame for being really good at certain things#ive always enjoyed being an object of awe bc bitch i spent my whole life working to be this good#do i hold it over ppl or treat them badly for not being as good as me? i admit i used to but i grew out of it#but the ego? certainly not. i think if you're good at something you should own it#i think if you're a prodigy and put your skills into doing good work youve earned your fame and recognition#this expectation of false humility we have is sooooo annoying#ohhhh boo hoo pharma is a little bit of an annoying asshole about being a better doctor than ratchet#the cures he helped design will save literal thousands of lives from now until the rest of time#but somehow the way he FEELS about it is more important than the CONCRETE POSITIVE GAIN he put into the universe?#and also in general i hate it when ppl assume that pride/ego and being kind towards others are mutually exclusive#in general i feel like i could write an essay about how self vs others is treated as a dichotomy#where it's assumed that in order to uplift others you have to self efface and diminish yourself#or if you flaunt yourself it automatically means you're putting down others. it's not true.#video essay topic for later lol
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[Start ID. A digital drawing of Minos Prime from Ultrakill, who's wearing a strapless slit dress and sandals of the same deep purple. He faces towards and slightly to the right of the camera, his head is tilted further right. With one hand he gestures in a vague pointing motion, his arm folded and held close to his body. There is nothing in the background, but bracing himself on one arm, Minos is implied to be leaning against something about the height of a countertop. The background is a blank purplish black, save for three diagonal stripes in the colors of the bisexual flag. End ID]
Shading study that quite literally came to me in a dream two weeks ago, after this post apparently beamed itself into my mind
(also a few edits below the cut! they're very slight but whatever :])
[Start ID. Three different versions of the previous drawing. The first changes the tone of the lighting from blue to pink, and similarly the shading from pink to blue. The second replaces the faint black border with pink, purple and blue, syncing with the stripes in the background. The third combines both these changes. End ID]
#the tags got NERFED so let's try this again.#peridots-art#minos prime ultrakill#ultrakill#ask to tag#organs#...? gore maybe? for the whole ''transparent chest/visible cardiovascular system'' thing. not very detailed/realistic though so#i don't think this has all of the same charm as i usually find in my posts. but i tried my best to make it work so i don't think it matters#also ''not too happy with how this turned out'' is something i've seen tacked onto posts worthy of being preserved in museums#i heard someone say his snakes should be ball pythons. i'm not autistic about snakes so i decided to listen to the masters#i still have seven levels to p-rank before i can meet this guy!! halfway there (lust/greed and 1-3 remaining) i've only had my own copy#of ultrakill for a week and i already have 33 hours in. anyway he's grown on me i think. absolute bi king and only monarch i respect <3#i think it's interesting how i now define my queerness by being gray-ace and trans when i first only identified with bisexual. it's still#an important part of me even if sometimes i forget. sorry that sounds completely unrelated but it's related to my feelings on this piece#anyway (i wonder how many ''anyway''s i've slapped on so far) i also find it interesting how often people draw him with this body type.#i think it's cool there's variety in how people draw the uk characters. it just kinda feels right here? i know i unfortunately don't draw#fat characters often at all (partially due to being a primarily fandom blog who likes to stick to canon designs. i wouldn't say i have#trouble with drawing a realistic amount of fat even on rather thin people though lol) but i try! also genuinely unsure what counts as like.#fat vs chubby? or whatever? i don't know exactly how the terminology works and a fair amount of minos' bulk is muscle anyway but. yeah 👍#men are pretty in dresses my final message. goodbye#peridots-described
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an interesting (unpopular? i think?) soukoku opinion i have is i don't think dazai was oblivious to his feelings towards chuuya, like ever. i understand WHY people interpret dazai as having trouble identifying and reckoning with his emotions; i'm not knocking it! there's plenty of evidence to suggest that and also i think it fits with his actions. HOWEVER. for me dazai is the most fun when he's deliberately suppressing and neglecting his own feelings. dazai realizes at the tender age of like 15 that he's at least infatuated with chuuya, and his first instinct is "well how do i compartmentalize that. how do i make sure this doesn't interfere with my plans and our job at the mafia." and then he compromises with his emotions by keeping chuuya close but not allowing himself to seem too affectionate or "trick" chuuya into liking him back. i think this version of dazai is most compelling to me because then the struggle isn't "get blockhead dazai to realize he's in/can love" its "get blockhead dazai to realize he's allowed to indulge in love" which is much more fun, especially when you have seven (or even more, i don't think this mindset would be limited to chuuya) years worth of distancing himself from his own emotions to contend with.
#putting the more negative parts in the tags i think another reason i'm not partial to the “dazai is oblivious to his own feelings” headcanon#is that it sorta implies that dazai isn't self-aware?#which like. he clearly is. i think moments when we (the veiwer) think he isn't self aware is the result of the MEDIA not being self-aware#<- talking about his treatment of akutagawa and other such failures. “don't pity yourself” moment. the whole father thing.#dazai doesn't acknowledge these flaws because the source material doesn't think its a flaw either#but i digress. my point here is that i personally think dazai is so painfully self-aware that it turns into over-rationalizing himself#dazai's emotions to him are just as irrelevant as his physical needs and such like that.#does this make sense? idk#example i'll give: his character growth as he trusts the ada and works less utterly on his own mind#i think dazai is capable of seeing his own trust issues and what not from the very beginning#but it's only after it's been proved to him that him that no total control isn't the most logical option#and in fact trusting his allies CAN work out without pulling every string#that dazai beings to take down (a few) of his walls#its not that dazai doesn't know he has feelings. its that they aren't relevant to him#they cause him grief#fuck up his plans#and (to him) need to be squared away and dismissed as soon as possible#i know that isn't in line with the no longer human novel but WHATEVS#my hcs#bsd#skk#bsd dazai
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my favourite part of season 5 is still the reveal that Gabriel and Tomoe thought Adrien and Kagami made the perfect pair and wanted them to be together because it completely flips their relationship
Kagami and Adrien sneaking around and finding the slightest gaps in their schedule and giving their bodyguards/parents the slip to spend time together and feeling so clever that they’ve gotten away with it their parents don’t suspect a thing
only to smashcut to Gabriel and Tomoe doing an evil pound it because their ship is canon
#miraculous ladybug#ml s5#gabriel agreste#tomoe tsurugi#adrien agreste#kagami tsurugi#it’s the illusion of free choice™#it was a very clever plan tbf like if they told them to date it would be awkward and forced. but put them in the same room together and see#what happens… let them think it was all their idea… boom success!#then the next step is saying ‘yes i only just found out you’ve been dating kagami and i have decided to give you my permission to date her-#what do you mean you broke up a month ago and your dating the baker girl who made a hat for me one time?’#on the flipside though it probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run bc kagami likes the thrill of a secret forbidden romance like#that’s partially what drove her to felix imo so if tomoe said one day ‘it’s come to my attention you’re dating the agreste boy. i approve o#of this match and have organised a date for you two on friday.’ you Know kagami would immediately go#‘oh no.. okay um so now i’m kind of feeling that everything about him that was attractive to me before isn’t really there anymore…’#also on the flipside like looking at it on a more deeper/serious level like it just goes to show how much control tomoe and gabriel have o#er their kids to the point that they would be willing to manipulate them into a relationship and then when#the two of them tried and realised it wasn’t working. instead of admitting they don’t know their children as well as they think they do#or acknowledging that their children are actual people who have their own feelings that don’t always match their parents#or coming to terms that their children aren’t extensions of their legacy and will that they can puppet however they want#instead they say ‘okay we tried the hands off way now we’ll just have to force them’
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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?
#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love#and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me#she is. the most important person in my life#and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her#like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this#if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh#what more could i ever ask for#but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right#even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be#in just over a year#when she's making enough money for it#she plans on moving into a place of her own#which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing#i thought we were going to move into a house together#i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke#but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t#give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs#its what sufjan would have wanted#fucked up terrible no good week
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#I just woke up from a dream about my birthday that's coming up#and this year this is one of the days that I'd wish that I could just skip#I originally planned to meet up with my parents for lunch#and then go grab a couple drinks with friends in the evening#there's gotta be few things as disheartening as going down your admittedly short list of friends and realising that they all either live to#far away or already have prior commitments on that day#I do realise that it's nobody's fault#and if it is it's my own for a) partially isolating myself#and b) not being at my parents' house this year#but I really can't do the latter#and the former sucks but I can't do anything about it until Sept 10#so I guess that's just it#nothing I can do about it#a couple days back my parents asked me if we could move the lunch part to after 5 pm bc they've got work stuff that day#which again#not their fault#but I just really can't shake the feeling of how much it sucks that this is the one day in the year where I would like to hang out w/ peopl#and none of them have any time#delete later#if you do know me irl please do me the courtesy of ignoring this
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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seeing ppl shipping marcille n chilchuck just makes me. Okay this sucks man. Like these r the least 2 compatible Dungeon Meshi characters chilchuck is a full hater of magic and elves and shit and like. Yeah he can grow out of that but marcille should not have to deal with this idiot. He already lost one wife he doesn't need to be inflicted on more women
#As someone who's pro chilchuck. Leave marcille alone stay friends#Also I believe in lesbian marcille but that's secondary to the fact I feel like they have negative romantic chemistry#Plus marcille is such a romantic idealist and chilchuck is jaded in a way that doesn't feel like ''opposites attract'' but rather#Marcille tries to keep the relationship alive while chilchuck tries to pull away and neither of them can communicate w eachother#That plus the lifespan and arguably maturity differences would just add to the difficulty like. Yah ppl can grow past stuff and learn n shi#But also sometimes that learning is hard and doesn't work out and just leads to you hurting the ppl around you#Because change is scary. Anyway I just genuinely think chilchuck is good on his own! He should be friends will his wife and never date agai#Because I think he would be deeply unpleasant to be in any sort of romantic relationship with tbh#Revised a tag bc while marcille would bring up problems she would have trouble seeing things from chilchucks pov and cgilchuck would#Probably be dismissive bc he sees her as naive and he might be partially right but he'd struggle to be a decent partner bc of his pride#And also literally his wife left and he doesn't fucking know why. He just went damn... Ok... My bad. HELLO#This man is not communicating in a healthy way. Also while he shouldn't have to tell ppl his age and I don't think his secrecy and the way#He values his privacy is bad the fact that he's been working with the party for 4 yrs and it seems like none of them knew#HE HAD CHILDREN? speaks a lot about how secretive he is and I just genuinely don't think marcille would be able to deal with that#The most I can see for them is they try to have a relationship but they end up learning something Important Lessons and their friendship is#Still there but undeniably was strained and forever changed even if they reconcile and improve. 👍
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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You know, one thing ive been thinking about the whole keke's outfit thing...it continues to baffle me how the straight heterosexual view of women's 'attractiveness' STILL tends to equate scantily clad with 'availability' or 'asking for it' or 'putting it on display'. As if wearing something skimpy is what threatens the boyfriend's position as the only man who is allowed to be attracted to his girlfriend.
But like. And i cant speak for all women attracted to women here. But i KNOW i am not the only woman who watched nope, caught the VERY SUBTLE HINTS, and was immediately like 'oh she is the hottest thing ever I AM DEVOTED TO HER' because we are starved for lesbian characters just being allowed to exist and be attractive on screen without catering to the male gaze. Like the akira slide and motorcycle scenes? Sexy as hell. The little dancey thing to classic music? Sexy. Her general refusal to sit upright? Still hot. And she was doing it all in slightly butch but still extremely stylish clothing that basically covered everything. And i mean she was still the most attractive character on that screen the entire time, i probably missed half the movie because i was just watching her the whole time. And it had absolutely nothing to do with how little she was wearing.
Like yes keke herself also looked sexy in that dress/bodysuit that her boyfriend hated so much. But why is it THAT that makes him insecure? Why not the thousands of lesbian/bisexual girls who watched nope a few too many times just to daydream about dating a girl like emerald one day?
#Journal shit#My own insecurities are all about emotional intimacies#Like the physical attractiveness stuff doesnt make me jealous#If other people find my significant other attractive thats fine#But if it starts to feel like there is someone who would be better suited for my significant other emotionally or personality or whatever#Yeah lol#It seems like with men its very much about control#They want to control the relationship and feel secure that their woman is performing *sexy* only for them#Though i would guess an independant woman scares and intimidates insecure men too#Like a woman who has a choice to just walk out scares them#I have tried and tried to wrap my head around shit like this#Like my abusive ex used to HATE all my friends#Every. Single. One. Of. Them.#And he refused to believe i wasnt secretly wishing i could date every other person in my life#Like everyone was a threat#And i bent over backwards trying to make him feel secure nothing EVER worked#I lost tons of friends that year 2011 is hell year for a reason i was SO isolated and lonely and hermity#I would make friends and then lose them quickly partially because my boyfriend didnt like anyone#And its not like he wasnt very vocal about the girls he ACTUALLY wanted to be dating who werent me#and how much he resented me for not being prettier more talented more elegant/refined whatever#It was a mind fuck and always made me feel like i was going crazy trying to jump all the hoops#Even after he dumped me theres still sad sack journal entries on this blog of me sighing about how much i loved and missed him lmao#I took all his insecurity and hate and turned it on myself like why couldnt i BE better why couldnt i make him happy#Spoiler alert that didnt work#I guess i always felt like i kinda deserved it i was mostly ugly and not worth much and who can blame my ex#But seeing women who have it all STILL get stuck dealing with asshole behavior? :( makes me sad
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So I finished Fionna and Cake and I've just been trying to unscramble my thoughts about the theme of Love in this 10 ep series because it's very interesting. It could be better, but what can you do with 10 eps. For what was given, it wasn't that bad. Under the cut will be rambles and vague spoilers so like read it at your own risk, it's a lot.
Anyway, Love in some of it's forms (platonic and romantic) - can be a fortune as much as it is a tragedy. Love can be a blessing or a curse. It can spiral you into madness, into sadness, into a cycle of always finding your soul mate in every universe, etc. Of course the main duo is Simon and Betty - where love becomes an obsession. Betty endured all of Simon's obliviousness, all of his decisions, all of his choices because to her, he was the best experience she could have. Love changed her and she let it. Love made her sacrifice everything and she was more than willing, regardless of if it was what Simon wanted. But with Simon, Betty was his everything and her sacrifice meant losing himself too and falling into madness and sadness because even as Ice King he was powerless to get her back. And based on every universe he went through, he was never meant to get her back which sure can drive a man further into depression when he feels like his only purpose is to get the love of his life back. Everything Betty did was for Simon and he realized that despite them both being equally obsessed, they were never on equal footing. What do you do when you love someone so much but in every reality your love ends in tragedy? You learn that you can't make one person your whole world. Loving one person can't be your everything but it can be a wonderful experience that you hold in your heart and your memory. Love is letting go so you can heal.
And then of course there's the smaller plot of Bonnie/Marcy + Gary/Marshall - They're two sides of the same coin where (queer) obsession can lead to destruction and (queer) love being the guiding light away from the abuse they started from. What is love if not taking a loved one away from their abusive home and telling them that you would love them despite it all, no matter what form they took and who they became. What is love if not mutually assured destruction, deciding that if the world will end, they will die together because they refuse to let the other die by anyone else's hand. If you are fated to find each other in every universe, wouldn't you want to make the best of it (whether that's toxic or not)?
But then there's the smaller moments that aren't highlighted as much - Fionna and Cake's relationship and how much they love each other. Multiple times Cake was willing to risk it all to save Fionna or keep them moving forward and every time Fionna would reprimand or stop her - not because the ideas were bad (more or less) but because Fionna didn't want to lose her best friend. Yes Fionna had been depressed for majority of the series (especially after the Winter King ep) but it's not until Cake lashes out does she actually just start bawling. There's so much loss and having the one constant at your side can have one mistaking love for control and not the desperation it really was for Fionna.
ANYWAY there are a lot of interesting moments in this series that I do wish were fleshed out more but again, what can you do about it. I've also typed myself in a circle and don't know if this makes sense but that doesn't matter. I know the vibe I'm getting at.
#bluwrites#fionna and cake#this could have gone on my website blog#but this feels like a tumblr specific thing so it stays here#idk man for a person that has had love that has lost love etc etc - it's fascinating to see the imperfections of it in media#partially because it helps me figure out my own stance on love and why it works or why it doesn't#partially because it reminds me that oh yeah whenever you find it again it will not be perfect and that's okay because you learn from it#and you grow from it#but also it makes me weary bc --#let me not make another essay in the tags especially about this topic I don't need to air out all my business#anyway if you made it to this point you're a wild one go drink water
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