#overall a mixed bag but what's in that bag is very very impressive

[papaver-decervicatus]

Cat/Mouse/Den: Pt. 1, Cat

Alone on wilderness patrol, König’s radio intercepts an enemy transmission meant for a SpecGru sniper. Within a beautiful and capable woman’s crosshair, something electric and treacherous takes root in his heart, and he decides to tempt his doom. It’s a game of cat and mouse, and it’s been far too long since he has had anything worth hunting.

CW: Obsession, stalking, canon typical violence, intrusive thoughts, unsanitary wound care

Authors Note: Huge shout-outs to @kneelingshadowsalome and @sprout-fics for writing some really great fics that inspired me to write this and for being such kind beta readers!

This work is inteded to pass as x reader or x OC in third person POV, German is from google translate, feel free to correct me if you can!

This project started out very small and has definitely spiraled out of control. To all readers, please enjoy and let me know what you think!~ Caedis

Pt. 1, Cat | 1.3k words | König POV | NEXT

“They call you… Maus?” König says into his radio. 

It’s a mistake. That he’s heard the transmission. That he found her position. He’s sure that she sees him, he knows he’s good as dead. 

He’d seen her file in a briefing. Some SpecGru sniper, relatively new to the force. Accolades nothing short of damn impressive but with a general disposition against war. She’s a good rule follower unless she hates the rule and then she tends to do her own thing. Overall, mixed bag, but too useful to refuse. She wouldn’t be on the force if she weren’t some sort of useful. 

Most of what he’d thought was, “Wow, really? That many targets? Seems temperamental. Wish I could’ve been a sniper. Seems much more peaceful.” And then a much quieter, general, passing: “She’s pretty.” 

And that was it, really. When he got moved to solo wilderness patrol, it was Klaus’s idea to give him intel on who he thought would be most likely to be on patrols alone. As the resident wilderness expedition expert, he thought it most reasonable to give König and a few others on similar patrols the basics on her and a few of her comrades. Quite mundane for his line of work, all things considered. 

The irony isn’t lost on him, that him doing the very thing her file warns his upper command about, “doing his own thing,” is what will kill him. He’s out about five miles from where he should be, dangerously far. But, he always had a weakness for the mountains. When he realized his route to do shipment surveillance was close to a ravine, there was no question in his mind that he was going to check it out. 

And it’s got him in a good-looking lady’s sniper scope, right as the sun sets behind her. She’s got a perfect shot. 

What's that silly English phrase? Curiosity killed the cat? 

He smiles about it, though. He’s happy it’s a sniper. Happy it’s a pretty one. 

“You’re not my target.” Is her response. She shouldn’t be able to radio back to him. 

Strange. 

“Not an answer. And who is then?” He quips back into the static, still not quite sure he believes she’s there. Even at every possible disadvantage, this is still his territory, he’s still the king of his little domain, of this minuscule set of battle strip. It’s pathetic, the only place he feels any sort of peace is at war. 

“Negative to both.” 

“Playing hard to get. That’s fine with me.”

He hears her chuckle before she shuts off her end. 

This is… most exhilarating. 

He finds her in the tree line, and he smiles. She’s across the 80-yard-long ravine. There’s a creek at the bottom, and interesting flora marks the cliffs all the way down. He wonders what wildlife drinks from the stream down there and if there are any decent caves he could find an opening to. If any could fit him, that would be. She’s found a good post, in the branches of an inconspicuous tree. That’s right, she specialized in tree climbing and tracking if he remembers her file well enough. It’s a pretty perch, no wonder she chose it. 

A younger part of him is jealous. The older part smothers that part down as he takes in the view. 

The sun is setting behind her. She’s very far away, but his skin prickles to life knowing that he’s being watched. The exposed rock of the ravine flames to life with amazing browns and reds, and the stone sparkles like rubies and tiger’s eye stones as the sun's rays catch it. 

It’s a beautiful place, really. It’s not such a bad place to die, he thinks. She’s a good shot. She’ll do it quickly. Nothing to fret about, really. It’s his own fault, anyways. 

He knows if he runs to or from her, he’s dead. So he stands still. 

Waiting. 

For what?

He doesn’t know. A fairy tale? An Angel? A sign from God? His own comms? The common sense to radio his own and tell them about the fucking sniper in the tree?

He doesn’t know. 

So he waits for her to make the first move. 

“If you turn tail,” She warns, his radio crackling to life, “I won’t shoot.”

He’s going to die, might as well have some fun at it. 

“I will- if you tell me why they call you Maus.” His accent lingers on the word, just about the same in Deutsch as it is in English. Maybe that’s where the Brits got the word from in the first place? Some Germanic mountain peoples from long, long, long ago? 

He can’t see her in detail, she’s much too far. But with his hazy memory of her file, he imagines her face contorted in with the effort of deciding what to do. He thinks of her blowing a loose strand of hair out of her face. He thinks about her flexing her fingers around, but not squeezing, the trigger. 

She seems to chew her lip on this one. He already knows her code name, it’ll do very little good or bad for him to know just why. 

“I’ll bite, soldier.” She says, hurriedly, like someone might walk in on their little game. Like the teacher is about to find the two kissing in a supply closet at the school. Like she knows this is bordering dangerously close to bloody. 

“Quid pro quo?” She asks. 

It’s not a no. 

He smiles. His cheeks get red as they flick upwards in a grin of pure giddiness. What a fun way to die. Playing a silly little game like this? Fantastic!

“I think you know.”

“König?”

“Ja.” To his delight, her accent scraping its way around his call sign, the only name he cares about at this point, isn’t half bad. Being so seen on the battlefield should make his chest tighten, but not quite like this. It’s wrong, but then again he actually enjoys war so maybe he’s never quite been right, either. 

“Why?”

It’s his turn to laugh and rush out a response. He sits down on the ground and opens his legs as wide as they’ll comfortably go and rests his cheek in his hand propped on his thigh. If he’s going to die, he’s going to give her a pretty show. He’s going to die comfortably lazing around like a cat on a windowsill, taunting the stray tabby outside who so desperately wants to claw him to death. 

“You first, Schatz,” he downright purrs into his mic. He’s no fool, if he could see her up close, he would not be flirting with disaster like he is currently. 

He can’t see her, she’s much too far away, but he imagines her chest constricting beautifully and her biting her lip. He imagines her lips pressed into a thin line while she claws into her upper arm, trying to regain control. Like it’s all a silly game. And, maybe it is.

Cat and mouse. 

He likes the sound of that. 

Her voice returns to him, low and slow like she’s dragging her tongue over every syllable like she’s trying honest-to-goodness to taste him. 

“Maybe next time, König.” 

He can hear the smile in her voice. Maybe she’s enjoying the game, too?

A shot rings out, and his blood whistles and boils. It hits the tree 6 feet to his left at exact head height. His ears start to ring, but he’s entirely unharmed as birch bark splinters around him. 

“Position compromised, moving.” Is what she radios to her command. 

“Rog, Mouse.” Command calls back. 

He sees movement from her position, but he knows she’s much too far for him to get to her in time. He laughs bright and loud and gets himself up off the ground. 

“Nächests mal, kleine Mäuschen.” Next time, little mouse. He says, to no one in particular. It’s been a long while since König has had so much fun like this on the battlefield. At a genuine disadvantage, put into a position that size and strength alone won’t remedy. And he’s sure as hell not ruining it by telling anyone, no matter how dangerous that is. 

A game of cat and mouse? 

Good. 

It’s been far too long since he had something worth hunting.

[wanderingoff]

Challengers Fic Recs!

I've completely fallen down the Challengers fic rabbit hole since I saw the movie a second time in June, and I'm surprised I haven't seen any Challengers rec lists floating around! I've read what feels like half the tag at this point, so I decided, hey, I guess that one's on me. I've been really impressed by the overall quality of what I've been reading, so these really feel like the creme de la creme and I hope even if you haven't read Challengers fic before, you give some of them a shot! (I will say, I'm not sure this is the best fandom to read without having seen the film, but the movie is SO good, just watch it and then come back) (Also, I don't read Reader inset fic which seems really popular in the fandom, so no shade to any of those authors, just not my bag!)

I wrote these little summaries cuz this post was so long! Without further ado, in order of length so I didn't have to obsess over that too:

let it once be me by wastelandbaby - 4444 words, M, Post-canon, Throuple, Getting together. Summary: An immediate post-match threesome can't fix what's wrong with them. Tashi and Patrick are texting and Art's crippling insecurity won't let him see what's directly in front of his face. Art POV. Rec: This fic is so short and un-sweet; I want to say it speedruns the beats that make so many throuple getting together fics work except it doesn't feel rushed in the slightest, and the ending is completely unique and honestly took my breath away.

open heart / open container by comosum - 5106 words, M, Post-Canon, Getting together Summary: The throuple is getting together, but Art and Patrick have to have a conversation first. Art POV. Rec: A large portion of this is one conversation and the dialogue fucking slaps. It does an unusually good job of having Art and Patrick directly/explicitly address each other's queerness before initiating sex, managing to thread the needle of "he would not fucking say that" and "it's actually not totally unrealisitic for these guys to be moderately self-aware at least of themselves."

give it a hand, offer it a soul by thcscus - 6493 words, T, Post-Canon, Established Throuple Patrick is playing his best for Art and Tashi. Patrick gets injured. Patrick doesn't know if it's the tennis that's over, or everything. Mixed POV. Rec: In the Exquisite Agony fandom, this is possibly the most Exquisitely Agonizing fic I've read. It's horrific. It's shocking how short it is compared to the rest of this list, but within the first 400 words my heart was in my fucking throat and it didn't come down for the remainder.

a romantic fool by spqr - 10300 words, E, Canon-compliant, Established Throuple. Lily is Patrick's. Art loves her for it. Art POV. Rec: Hands down, the fic that inspired this list and one of my gateway drugs into Challengers fic. I want everyone to read it.

this monstrous fire by kithmet - 10672 words, E, Post-Canon Throuple Getting together. An immediate post-match threesome can fix what's wrong with them. Along with some eavesdropping. Art POV. Bonus: kithmet made an incredible Challengers playlist not specifically for this fic, open relationship Rec: This is the closest thing to a fix-it on this list (it's very far from a fix-it), and I think convincing me these three could possibly figure their shit out in the short timeline of this fic is incredibly impressive character work.

neverland by ameliepoulain - 14079 words, E, Post-Canon, Art/Patrick, Getting together. Patrick quits tennis and moves on. Art quits tennis and does not. Patrick POV. (The second part of the series, second star to the right, is Art POV, pre-throuple, and essential.)(Bonus! Comes with playlist!*) Rec: Of all the fic on this list, I think this one takes the biggest swing on its set-up and for me that completely pays off. The two parts of the series also do an incredible job of demonstrating how opaque these people are to each other and do SUCH a good job of differentiating voices/experiences).

wishbone by a__peach__tree - 18375 words, E, Post-Canon, Throuple, Getting together. An immediate post-match threesome can't fix what's wrong with them. Patrick buys a ticket to the US Open, and waits, and tries to get his life together. Patrick POV. Comes with playlist*! Rec: This author does the most convincing Patrick-trying-his-hardest I've read; the action becomes so interior over the course of the fic and the tension ramps up so high I caught myself talking to the characters out loud, literally begging them to do the right thing.

american doubles by sticky valentine - 19166 words, E, Post-Canon, Throuple, Getting Together. An immediate post-match threesome won't fix what's wrong with them. Art invites Patrick to follow them to Cincinatti. Tashi thinks she knows what's going on. Tashi POV. Rec: I'm SO glad I found this fic before sending this post to press because we need Tashi POV and I think this does a great job of drawing back the curtain on her machinations and leaning into how human, fallible, and confused she is.

make it all look painless by sundaymournin - 20277 words, M, During-canon slight AU Or, this author outright rejects that these three had the self-control to actually stay away from one another. Art POV. Rec: Another true Exquisite Agony fic; it interlaces with canon beautifully and addresses Art's obvious anxiety more directly than anything else on this list, along with his self-loathing. This is the fic that takes the "none of them can stop hurting each other or themselves" to it's logical extreme without like, actual extreme behavior that would break character or make canon events impossible.

Bonus AU: it's getting better by spqr - 9025 words, T, No injury AU Let Art and Patrick be shlubs! Reckon with painful truth of a life in service to a single, unloving dream! Let Tashi find her way back to them anyway! Tashi POV. Rec: For me, the appeal of Challengers is how well crafted the movie is, so I've shied away from the handful of AUs. But a) ALL of spqr's Challengers fics are shockingly good, and b) out of all the fic on this list, this is the one I can most easily hear the dialogue in the actual voices of these characters & their actors, which is a high compliment from someone who does not have a very concrete imagination.

*I made these Spotify playlists based off text lists of songs in the author's notes of these fics.

[inspector-montoya-fox]

You know sometimes i like using my tumblr as like a brain rot bank? Like a time capsule for thoughts and opinion that cater to no one but everyone is welcome to enjoy and partake. And today i'll be doing just that because i have finally finished The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles. If you've been following me for a while you know that this is lowkey monumental because (a) it means that i have officially played all Ace Attorney games, and (b) i have been struggling to finish these two games since their bundled release three years ago. So, i just wanted to share some general thoughts, some tier lists, and feel free to let me know what you think if you read what i have to say!

Ok so, my main takeaway from playing the two games is that... Dr Courtney Sithe is a bad bitch deserving of the same praise as Franziska, Lana Skye, Justine Courtney, Dee Vasquez and Calisto Yew. I genuinely love her so much. Miss Buttplug Hair got her PhD in being a girlboss and i'm so upset she was only in one case. For such a cool character with an amazing design, she was criminally underdeveloped. Same goes for my other fav, Rei Membani. Soon as it was mentioned that Professor Mikotoba and Judge Jigoku were on their way to the UK, i was one hundred percent sure she'd accompany them, and i was ultimately disappointed. To have her right next to Susato on the game's cover art and give her such an amazing takedown of Raiten Menimemo... and then just not have her be anywhere else was such a shame. I need more Dr Sithe and Rei !

The rest of the games' characters were a bit of a mixed bag with some obvious (and some unexpected) stand-outs. Here's my tier list:

Notes:

The biggest surprise that came when i was making this is how high i placed Herlock. I started off hating him so much and then he just suddenly grew on me so quickly, i hadn't even noticed. One of my favourites for sure.

I think we can all collectively agree that we have, at some point in our lives, embodied Pop Windibank... poor guy...

I don't know what Kazuma's deal is. He starts off as Ryunosuke's Mia Fey before um... just becoming a jerk? Why does he have beef with his best friend who was literally mourning him for almost a year? Can't lie though, the bitch looks hot in his white uniform.

Some of the jurors made a bigger impression than actual characters/ witnesses, just by having cool designs. Mainly the green lady, who rightfully earned her spot in the third tier after i found out she's supposed to be a reincarnation of the teacher from PLvsPW !

Eggert Benedict or whatever the fuck that rich breakdancing asshole is called, cannot be a final villain i'm sorry. Seriously, what were they thinking?

The two redheads are such a shameless rip-off of the Skulkins. Two ruffians taking the witness stand for the game's climax AGAIN !? And during the credits, they pose in their prison cell with "Gossip" in the middle the exact same way Eggert and the Skulkins did in the credits of Adventures, like no thank you.

I love how my overall bottom 3 are an annoying str*ight couple and a child.

If Stronghart wasn't in the second (very coveted) tier, he'd be in the bottom of 'like !' because he was ok. It's blatantly obvious he's the big bad from the second he's introduced but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Also, i need him and Damon Gant to have a fat titty bounce-off.

Moving on to criticisms, i can't help but feel like the fact that Shu Takumi decided to split his original script into two games only served to hurt the entire project. Because, for starters, each game has a different feel and the two don't match. Adventures is reminiscent of PLvsPW, Takumi's whimsical and eccentric love letter to the UK that hinges heavily on exposition. Resolve, on the other hand, is a bit of a mix between its predecessor and traditional Ace Attorney, its cases focusing more on driving the narrative to its conclusion rather than experimenting on the classic formula (as with the first game). It also echoes aspects of the first Investigations, bringing in diplomatic immunity, international relations, "tracking down and going against the head of the evil organisation" (the Reaper storyline is very similar to the Yatagarasu one). Personally the two vibes don't mesh, even when Resolve tries to latch onto Adventures with Memoirs of the Clouded Kokoro, for example.

Then, the pacing in both games is all over the place. Adventures is just so unreasonably and unashamedly long-winded and slow, it's the reason it took me literally three years to get into it. The game repeats the same lines of dialogue again and again until they're made painfully clear, subsequently making the player (or at least me) feel like an idiot who needs to read the same thing 13 times in order to get it. This, coupled with the fact that actual gameplay was almost nowhere to be seen and that progression in the courtroom almost always relied on not pointing out inconsistencies but pressing the witnesses adjacent to the one testifying, made the game such a slog to get through. And once the game started to pick up, it was over before i even knew it and in a very unceremonious fashion no less. In comparison, Resolve is very streamlined, albeit a bit too fast-paced. With the exception of Memoirs, which felt like shameless filler, it's clear that they wanted to waste zero time and crammed so much stuff into the episodes, to the point where it became difficult to keep track of everything going on. Because, keep in mind, the second game was tasked with tying up all the loose threads from the first one.

This leads to my final criticism regarding the split: inconsistencies and unresolved mysteries. I think it reads as careless writing when questions keep sprouting everywhere and their answers are reserved for the final two episodes of the second game. Even Unspeakable, a final case, introduces mysteries tied to the overarching narrative just for them to be shelved until Twisted Karma, leaving the player with a sense of dissatisfaction when the game ends. Not only is it frustrating to keep track of all the unsolved mysteries, a chore which good writing would not expect from the player, but it also has you questioning whether or not some of them will get answered at all. Why was the selection of jurors obviously rigged? Why did Van Zieks stop appearing in court five years prior? Where did he lose his gun in Twisted Karma? Why didn't Stronghart assassinate Madame Tusspells as well? Why is Kazuma fully exonerated after admitting to his involvement in the assassin exchange? I grouped the unresolved mysteries with inconsistencies as one problem because the latter is a result of the former. The majority of mysteries spills over from the first game to the second, giving way to different phrasing, details getting glossed over and the plot's consequences getting ignored. There's a very apparent shift in Gregson's character, for example, going from uncooperative and rigid in Adventures to more forgiving and helpful in Resolve, all the while his misconduct from Unspeakable is seemingly forgotten and met with zero ramifications. There's also the government's secret message about the assassin exchange Herlock deciphered at the end of the first game, which sets up the second game nicely but then doesn't get mentioned until the very last day in court. Like, come on now. It feels like Resolve continues Adventures' story without wanting to acknowledge it because, in the grand scheme of things, McGilded and Eggert Benedict seem to not matter at all. And then there's Memoirs, which... Inconsistency City, honestly. This episode's lack of impact on the overall story allowed it to be literally anything else. It's such a bizarre choice to have it be something which only achieves in taking away from the first Clouded Kokoro case! Like ok, i can get behind it being a case no one wanted to talk about so it didn't make the first game. I can turn a blind eye to the inconsistent character development and timeline, whatever. But it absolutely drives me nuts that, for an Ace Attorney game where the murders are explained in full detail, they couldn't stay consistent with the direction Olive Green was walking in. Hate. Loathe. Get it away from me.

That pretty much covers it in terms of complaints, because otherwise i enjoyed my playthrough quite a bit actually. I know i've just spent like 3 mega-sized paragraphs complaining but the games have great elements as well. The Deduction dances are easily the best thing about the gameplay, especially when you didn't see them coming. They were so much fun to play, very animated and cartoony with amazing banter, and effortlessly accelerated the investigation segments. Equally, i loved Judicial Findings. Undoubtedly my favourite part of the courtroom sections and a welcome change of pace. I tended to stall a lot because the jury's music fucks so hard. While on the topic of what i liked, Ryunosuke and Susato's chemistry rivals what Phoenix and Maya have going on. Susato leaving at the end of Adventures was a genuinely effective point in the plot, even though i knew she'd be back.

Now, let's take a closer look at the episodes. Here's my overall tier list of all Ace Attorney cases, the Great Ace Attorney ones being highlighted in yellow:

Notes:

Blossoming Attorney gobbled the rest of the girls right up (a court-only episode, no less). They gave us Susato gameplay, what more can you ask for? An amazing case. Gay Women in STEM !!

Return kinda strikes a nice balance between the different feels of the two games i mentioned before. You've got exposition and world-building with the whole Great Exhibition, turn of the century mad science thing, but also classic Ace Attorney with tracking down Drebber (very Matt Engarde's apartment) and Madame Tusspells as just some witness (very Lisa Basil). A very fun case right before the clusterfuck of mysteries ensues. Also, Dr Courtney Sithe !!!!! Girl you're such a star and you don't even know it spit in my mouth

Was tempted to put Unspeakable in the second tier but i think it's earned its high placement on its own merit and not because of personal bias. It's a great case. Maybe not for a final one, but it's still great. It tries its hardest to tie up some loose ends before the game ends and that's worth something.

Resolve of Ryunosuke is objectively better than Twisted because i could not give less of a fuck about the purple guy's headache and Espella Cantabella selling firecrackers, but they're both very much one single package. Extra points to Resolve of Ryunosuke though for having its villain sit at the judge's seat. That was neat.

The two Clouded Kokoros are giving stinky Bri ish culture with the whole apartment building background, like Ribena, bad teeth, rusty Union Jack, horseshit breath at the pub, you awrite luv? Slander, i'm sorry.

Slightly unrelated but when i was making this tier list it became so obvious that Investigations 2 is the crown jewel of the franchise. Like it has two cases in the top 5, how can you even argue against that?

Arriving to a conclusion, i'd say both games belong on the same level as Apollo Justice: a blend of good and bad. My experience playing the Ace Attorney franchise has followed this trend of attaching each game to a pivotal moment in my life. I finished the first game while i was still a soldier, Justice for All during my first year at university, Dual Destinies during Covid lockdown, Investigations while helping my parents set up their shop one summer. So i know i'll look back at playing The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles right after handing my dissertation very fondly. In other words, despite not quite sticking the landing, it's left a very pleasant aftertaste. Thank you for reading!

[thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis]

Every Epic Rap Battle of History Ranked, Part 3

Part 2

29. Freddy Krueger vs Wolverine 

Winner: Wolverine 

Best line: "You're a pedophile from the Midwest, at least R. Kelly could sing."

I mentioned this earlier (like 50 entries ago), but this is probably the single most visually impressive ERB to date. If anyone had any doubts about ERB going independent after being under Maker Studios for so many years, this quickly quashed them. Costumes look amazing, the backgrounds and lighting are top-notch, and of course, the nightmare sequences are fun and creative. Love the part of Freddy turning into a magnet to pull Wolverine in. But how's the actual battle? Well, it's great too! Both performances are stellar, and there's some great lines - "that wasn't even my main diss, it was just a side burn", "that claw is like a strap-on: there's a pussy underneath". Really great stuff.

28. Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill

Winner: Theodore Roosevelt

Best line: "I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles, so walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!"

This was a battle that was hyped up for a long time thanks to Teddy Roosevelt's frequent appearances on the channel to announce news, and I'd say it lived up to the hype. Lloyd is clearly having the time of his life finally getting to play Teddy, and I'd say it's one of his best performances to date. While a couple of Churchill's lines are duds (I always groan at "Any way you want to fight, I'll fight you and I'll beat you, see"), it's not enough to sink this battle.

27. Thanos vs J. Robert Oppenheimer

Winner: J. Robert Oppenheimer

Best line: "Cause you break and bleed so easy, I think I'll call you Oppen-hymen."

It's interesting that this battle came out shortly before the Oppenheimer movie was announced and subsequently turned Oppenheimer into a household name. Good coincidental timing. I remember watching this for the first time, hearing Thanos's absolutely killer first verse, and thinking "Oh, he's got this in the bag". But then Oppenheimer fired back with a killer verse of his own! Sadly, this battle isn't as close as I'd hoped it would be, since Thanos definitely falls off on his second verse, but overall, the fight is still packed with great lines.

Peter's Oppenheimer portrayal is also amazing - the fact that he manages to mix in the melancholic, regretful tone and mannerisms the real Oppenheimer was known for while firing off disses is nothing short of incredible. It's something that shouldn't work, yet he makes it work beautifully. Lloyd's Thanos is pretty good too, although I don't know what happened with the costume; it's pretty clear that Lloyd can barely move his mouth in the mask, so it's a little distracting. I feel like there had to have been a better way to make Thanos's face work, especially when they already made Freddy Krueger work better.

26. George Washington vs William Wallace

Winner: William Wallace

Best line: "Don't tee off with me, laddy. If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddy."

I feel like this is a very overlooked battle. I've never really seen anyone talking about it, but it's actually really good. It was an interesting choice to make George Washington a more antagonistic and sadistic character, I honestly didn't think that's where they would go with him simply because as an American, I don't think I'd ever seen Washington depicted in such a bad light. But I'm honestly down for it; it makes sense when comparing the stories of both men - Wallace died a hero's death for freedom, while Washington survived long enough to show hypocrisy in his cause for preaching freedom but still owning slaves.

I love how Wallace's depiction in this is purely based on Braveheart, despite historians agreeing that it's one of the most historically inaccurate movies ever. Really sells Washington's "A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy" line, because yeah, that's basically the only reason most people have ever heard of William Wallace. It's funny, ERB obviously puts in a ton of work to research the real stories of their historical figures, but if the most prominent depiction of said figure is in a work of fiction, they will just go with that version of the person because that's what the audience is expecting to see - historical accuracy be damned. They did it with Wallace and that's also what they did with Leonidas and Ragnar Lodbrok. Not saying that's good or bad, that's just what I've noticed when viewing all the battles so close together.

25. Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child

Winner: Julia Child

Best line: "Here's a nice amuse-bouche: take a poor abused youth, set a 30 year timer, voila! Huge douche!"

This was a video I had actually completely skipped out on until needing to watch it for this list. I dunno, I just don't really personally like Gordon Ramsay and I wasn't familiar with Julia Child, so I was just never motivated to watch this one. But I really missed out on a gem, this one's great. Julia definitely steals the show here. It's kinda like Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers come to think of it, with one character angrily screaming at the other while the other just smiles and delivers cutting passive-aggressive lines. The part where Ramsay gets a whole kitchen crew running around behind him and they deliver backing vocals of "Yes, chef!" and "No, chef" to the beat is also a great moment.

24. Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood

Winner: Clint Eastwood 

Best line: "Here's my two finger push-up: Kung F-U!"

Hoo boy, this has some of the edgiest jokes in series history - "I even squint better than you", "You don't belong in a fight, you belong in a sweatshop. So go ahead, make my iPod". Modern ERB would not go there if this battle was made today. That being said, it does fit who Clint Eastwood is as a person, so, y'know. This battle's great though - the person they got to play Bruce Lee has a lot of fun energy to him; his constant quick movements contrast nicely against the stone cold, slow and deliberate Eastwood. I also love the small detail of the background characters that both rappers are fighting switching between cowboys and ninjas as they cross from one side of the screen to the other.

23. Michael Jordan vs Muhammad Ali

Winner: Muhammad Ali 

Best line: "McDonald's and underpants as corporate backers - You stay at the Ritz cause you sold out to crackers!"

And here we have one of the two appearances of special guest stars Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele. Considering this is the first time they're coming up on this list and we're this high up, it's pretty clear that I think they nailed both of the battles they had together. It's a shame they're not really working together anymore, so it's a lot less likely we'll ever get them again. Plus Jordan Peele's a lot busier these days I'd imagine.

But yeah, Key and Peele both obviously really know how to act in front of a camera and it makes for some great rap battles - Peele as Ali in particular is extremely expressive throughout his lines and it makes for a treat to watch. And I love the part where Jordan crosses over to Ali's side and directly gets in his face - both of Key and Peele's battles have a moment where the two rappers physically interact, and I'm glad they did this. A lot of ERBs have the two rappers film separately, but Key and Peele have such natural on-screen chemistry that it would have been a waste to not show bits of that. I was gonna say that moment does kinda break the illusion of Michael Jordan being tall in this battle since Key and Peele aren't too far apart in height, but uh, fun fact I just learned - the height difference between Key and Peele is actually greater than it would be between Jordan and Ali?? Muhammad Ali was actually pretty dang tall at 6'3", and Michael Jordan is relatively short for an NBA player at only 6'6". Meanwhile Jordan Peele is 5'7" and Keegan-Michael Key is 6'0". Truth truly is stranger than fiction.

22. Michael Jackson vs Elvis Presley

Winner: Michael Jackson

Best line: "Here's a tip: Don't swallow a bucket of drugs, so you won't die on the toilet dropping hunks of burning love."

This is the battle that Banner vs Jenner tried to imitate and failed miserably at - two characters with two distinct versions of themselves that they switch between halfway through the battle. This was such a great idea - they could have gotten away with simply doing the more modern versions of both characters, but showcasing how much the two changed their looks between the starts and ends of their careers was a genius move. My big worry with that would have been how difficult it would be to find a suitable child to play Jackson 5 Michael, but the kid that they did find was phenomenal. He looks the part, sounds the part, and has good dance moves to boot. I don't know how the hell they found this kid but his performance is easily the highlight of this battle.

21. Guy Fawkes vs Che Guevara 

Winner: Guy Fawkes

Best line: "You're an ump-Che. That's Bay of Pigs Latin!"

Che definitely has some clunkers in his lines - "More like V for Very bad hat" would be a bad line even by season 1 standards, and the What Does The Fox Say reference was dated even when the battle first came out. That said, Che's actor does a great job, he's really charismatic. The face he makes and the voice he does  during "Treat this battle like the gallows: Take another dive" is without a doubt the best line delivery in this battle. Also damn, Guy's takedown of Che by pointing out how his image nowadays is just a commercial product for capitalism, turning his legacy into the very thing he fought against, that was brutal. There was simply no coming back from that.

20. Gandhi vs Martin Luther King Jr.

Winner: Martin Luther King Jr.

Best line: "Flatten your style like bread: naan violence."

And here we have Key and Peele's other guest appearance. Just like I said before, these two have great chemistry and great screen presence. The ending of this one is what elevates it above Jordan vs Ali for me though - the two leading their armies of protesters together, all to finally meet face-to-face, and proceed to engage in the most passive-aggressive hug ever. Probably the most iconic ending in ERB history. Also can I just say that Peele's MLK impression is spot-on? 

19. Terminator vs RoboCop

Winner: RoboCop

Best line: "They sent you back to kill a child, but he's defeating you still. They should have made a time-traveling morning-after pill."

I like that this video was sponsored by the actual Terminator franchise and they were still able to call Terminator 3 bad. This video has also invaded my psyche - whenever I see a farmer's market I can't help but think of "I take over these streets like I'm a farmer's market". Idk, this one is just good fun. Lloyd doesn't exactly look much like Arnold, but he sells the impression as well as he can. And hey, the actual Arnold makes a cameo appearance thanks to the sponsorship! Cool shit.

18. Jim Henson vs Stan Lee

Winner: Stan Lee

Best line: "M-I-C! I rock the mic properly! K-E-Y! Turning profits, I've got the key!"

This is an ERB with a message, probably the deepest one in the series - the legacy that an artist leaves behind after their death, and the tragedy of the magic of their original vision being squeezed dry by huge conglomerates in order to print more money. Hits even harder now that Stan Lee is also no longer with us. I gotta say, it was a fucking ballsy move for the ERB team to take such a direct shot at Disney while they were working at a Disney-owned studio. But man, did it make a memorable battle. I think Walt Disney may just be my favorite of the surprise third-party rappers across the entire series.

I also like how throughout the entire battle, Jim Henson basically only ever takes one real shot at Stan Lee, and it's just "you took credit for work Jack Kirby did". He's too nice of a guy to cut deep on his opponent. And I appreciate the small detail that you can still see Peter moving his lips when Kermit is speaking - I feel like just making Kermit lip-sync would have been an easy trap to fall into. I also love that they went through the trouble of making a custom Stan Lee puppet all for just one line. They totally didn't need to do that, but it goes to show the effort that went into making this one special.

17. Ronald McDonald vs The Burger King

Winner: Burger King

Best line: "Ask Rick and Morty who's the lyrical boss. I've got lines for days, call me szechuan sauce!"

I'll just put it out there: when it comes to food: Wendy's > Burger King > McDonald's. This battle had the advantage of getting a soft launch first on the secondary ERB channel (through the spinoff series Flash in the Pan Hip-Hop Conflicts of Nowadays) and getting a chance to incorporate fan feedback before releasing as a proper ERB. The lines about McDonald's broken ice cream machines and Burger King foot lettuce, as well as Wendy coming in as a third-party rapper were all fan suggestions. As such, I think this is one of the most tightly-packed ERBs in terms of great lines.

16. Napoleon vs Napoleon

Winner: Napoleon Bonaparte

Best line: "I'll whip you so bad, they'll make a virgin meringue. You're the only type of dynamite that's never going to bang!"

I don't remember where exactly he said this, but I recall Lloyd at some point saying that this battle was the first one made after he and Peter both quit their jobs so that they could focus on ERB full time, and that it was kind of a scary and uncertain time for them because of it. Well, clearly that gamble paid off, because they managed to create one of their best right after finally being able to put their all into the series. Okay, look, on a purely objective level, this probably isn't actually better than a lot of the battles I put below it. It's short, as season 1 battles tended to be, and it really doesn't go too deep into either character's history. But this is just ERB in its purest form - a historical figure and a fictional character tangentially related to them duking it out through rhyme. This battle is pretty basic, but that's okay. It does exactly what it needs to - gives you some laughs and gets out of your face. No flashy effects, no complex lines that you have to look up the meaning of in order to get the joke. Call it nostalgia, but there's just a certain charm to the simplicity on display here.

15. Einstein vs Stephen Hawking

Winner: Stephen Hawking

Best line: "I'm as dope as two rappers, you'd better be scared, cause that means Albert E equals MC squared!"

And here we go, the cream of the crop for season 1. Back when we only had the first season, this one was THE shit. If you were around during the early days, then "There are ten million million million million million million million million million particles in the universe that we can observe, your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd" is probably burned into your brain. 

You know this battle is good when it's freaking certified Gold by the RIAA, being the only battle besides Obama vs Romney to do so. And hey, it's also the very first appearance of our boy Zach Sherwin! The first of many great guest appearances he would grace us with.

14. Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar

Winner: Shaka Zulu

Best line: "Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit-talker. Doc J dunk on ya like boom shakalaka!"

For being possibly the most obscure historical figure ever depicted in ERB, Shaka Zulu certainly leaves an impression through this battle. His costume design is great, and his actor brings so much life to the role with his smartass line deliveries and faces. And of course, the fucking army formations that form behind both rappers at the end - masterful work.

13. Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted

Winner: Lewis and Clark

Best line: "We discovered bears and beavers and prairie dogs and weasels, rattlesnakes and catfish, owls, larks, and eagles. And plus flora galore, and according to our observations: these two dickweeds right here are severely endangered!"

And here we have the final appearance so far of Rhett and Link, and I think this is their best battle yet. I've always loved the little dance they do when they're listing off all the things they discovered, and of course, Sacagawea in the background constantly saving their asses is a hilarious touch. And on Bill and Ted's side, we get a bunch of cameos of previous rappers since most of their companions had already appeared in ERB (still waiting on that Billy the Kid battle though), so that's a nice treat for fans.

12. Zeus vs Thor

Winner: Thor

Best line: "Send you deeper underground than the depths of your Hades. Now make like your daddy, and swallow my babies!"

This was the first ever battle to be animated with Lego and I'm SO glad that it was, because this is just a treat for the eyes. Live action would not have done a battle between two gods like this justice. Of course, it being beautifully animated wouldn't save this if the battle itself wasn't great, but it absolutely is. I think "Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? You're ruthless to humans, your crew is like the Clash of the Douches" is possibly the best flow in the entire series, it constantly gets stuck in my head.

11. Mother Teresa vs Sigmund Freud

Winner: Mother Teresa

Best line: "I can see right through you and you've got no flavor. I'm battling a communion wafer."

This is an absolutely slept-on battle. It's damn near perfect - almost every single line hits it out of the park. I never would have thought of these two figures as perfect foils for one another, but it works so much better than I ever could have imagined. A staunch religious figure versus a staunch atheist, with themes of physical therapy versus mental therapy and chastity versus sex. It's a brilliant matchup that they really get the most out of. 

Mother Teresa's actress is amazing as well - I thought they somehow found an actual old lady dancer, but no, it's actually a younger woman whose entire specialty is doing super convincing cosplays of elderly women. She's great, the attitude she gives to Teresa elevates the entire battle. 

S TIER

10. Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates

Winner: HAL 9000

Best line: "I'm coming out the socket, nothing you can do can stop it. I'm on your lap and in your pocket. How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket?"

While Jobs dying mid-battle can be seen as a repeat of Billy Mays, there's a distinct difference in how the two battles handle the death of one of the rappers. Ben Franklin never even gets a reaction to Billy Mays's death, but in this one, Bill Gates actually gets to admit how he liked the rivalry, and that now he's lonely without Jobs. And that's true to life of the two actual men too - despite how competitive their companies were with each other, Jobs and Gates had deep respect for one another. 

This was by far the most ambitious ERB of its time. I would say that it was the very first one to truly feel epic, and even more than a decade later, it still holds its own against even the newest episodes. Hell, I'd say it's actually just gotten better with time - that iconic ending with HAL 9000 to represent AI taking over just rings more and more true every year.

9. Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock

Best line: "Ask anybody, 'What's your favorite Sam Jackson part?', no one's gonna say 'What's-his-name from Jurassic Park'."

This one is a total treat. You have 4 of the most iconic movie directors in history battling it out… along with Michael Bay. Honestly I'm not a super big movie buff, but I can still appreciate how brilliant this battle is. I love the shifts in the music tones for each director - the grandiose Jurassic Park-like theme for Spielberg, the heart-pounding suspense for Hitchcock, the more funky beat for Tarantino, the dreamy space-like melody for Kubrick, and finally, the flashy, bombastic theme for Bay. And of course, each director having their own dig towards Michael Bay is great foreshadowing for when he finally comes in and proceeds to rap about how great he is. He doesn't even say anything about any of the other directors, but that feels like an intentional choice for his "I don't give a fuck" attitude.

8. Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde

Winner: Bonnie and Clyde

Best line: "O Romeo, O Romeo, wherefore you trying to flow, yo? Mofo, you soft as a froyo. Are those the drapes or your clothes, bro?"

The contrast between the two sides here is really fun - how ridiculous and over-the-top Romeo and Juliet act compared to the down-to-earth, no-nonsense Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie pulling out a gun, shooting Juliet, and Juliet simply exclaiming, "Oh! I am killed!" really sums up everything that makes this pairing great. Of course, it's impossible to talk about this battle and not talk about how every character dies in the same way that their real/fictional counterpart does. I particularly love how Romeo and Juliet integrate their actual final words from the play into their final verses - "Thus with a diss I die" is such an obvious pun to make but it always makes me chuckle. And once Bonnie and Clyde get shot to death as well, leaving the normally loud announcer quiet and confused, that's just the cherry on top.

7. Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker 

Winner: Luke Skywalker 

Best line: "Your origin story is mostly stolen from me. You might be Potter, but Harry, I planted your seed!"

Our second animated battle, and this was one that absolutely needed to be animated to do it justice. Both of these series have so many iconic scenes and locations, and they also both have so many Lego sets that it made perfect sense to do it with Lego. And the animators got every bit of mileage they could out of this opportunity - both characters get to go through so many setpieces from each of their franchises. And of course, the lyrics get to pull in just as many references for fans to catch. This is one of the longer battles, with each rapper getting three full verses, and I'm glad that two series with so much lore got plenty of time to integrate it all. 

6. Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters

Winner: Mythbusters

Best line: "Good thing you work in a firehouse, cause you just got burned. You are poor scientists, and that's confirmed."

When I heard that Peter and Lloyd would be playing Adam and Jamie, I fully expected the opposite casting. Lloyd usually plays the shorter, stockier, more bald characters, so it was kinda surprising to me that he was chosen to play Adam and Peter was Jamie. But hey, they make it work. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the little synchronized dance the two do during their first verse as well. I have no idea why they decided to do that for the Mythbusters of all things, but hey, it's a lot of fun.

This battle has the largest number of rappers of any battle to date with 10, but that's kind of with an asterisk because Kari, Grant, and Tory barely get any time at all before Stay Puft comes in to finish the battle. I really wish the three of them had gotten a little more, it seems like kind of a waste to bring in three additional actors to only give them one line each. But that's really the only criticism I can come up with here; it's a great battle otherwise.

I know I didn't really even say anything about the Ghostbusters, but there's really not anything to say. They're all good! Zach Sherwin's Egon is definitely the highlight of the group.

5. Lara Croft vs Indiana Jones

Winner: Lara Croft

Best line: "Marion was 15 when you raided her bones. That's no time for love, Dr. Jones!"

This is the newest battle at the time I'm writing this, and needless to say with it being this high up, it's already one of my favorites. Every single line packs a serious punch, there is no wasted time here at all. My first time watching, I thought they maybe made a little too many jokes where the punchline is "Lara is sexy" or "gamers masturbate to her". But upon rewatch, each one is at least clever and does something different with wordplay, so I've lightened up on it.

Of course, I have to give a major shoutout to Croix Provence, who portrays Lara here. This was the first time a guest star on ERB was not either a friend of the crew or a major YouTube personality/celebrity - the casting of Lara was instead done with an open casting call, and I think that was the absolutely correct move. Croix was the perfect choice here - her faces and mannerisms inject so much lovable energy into the character, and the fact that she's not even British but can maintain a British accent while quickly rapping is incredible. She's a complete delight and I hope that she becomes a recurring guest.

This battle was apparently supposed to have a short verse from Nathan Drake as well, but I'm honestly glad they cut it. It really didn't need it.

4. Deadpool vs Boba Fett

Winner: Deadpool

Best line: "That Dr. Killbrew dude needs to go back to med school. Cause right now, you're no good to me, Deadpool."

This one's kinda funny in hindsight with how Deadpool rags on how Boba Fett barely even has any lines or screentime so there's not even much to say about him… right before he ended up getting his own show. Honestly it's kind of even in a weird spot with regards to Deadpool's characterization too - this came out before the movie, so nothing regarding that could be referenced either. Really, of any battle, this is probably the one that's in need of a rematch the most given how much has happened between these two characters in the years since.

What's really cool about this battle is that since both characters are covered from head to toe, while Peter and Lloyd did the voices, they didn't need to portray them physically. And they took advantage of this by hiring professional dancers to be the body actors for both characters, which really elevates the video visually. Deadpool's suit actor nails the mannerisms, and I love how Boba Fett goes into full-on breakdancing at the end. Stellar stuff from both performers.

3. The Joker vs Pennywise

Winner: Pennywise

Best line: "I haunt nightmares and I'm ruthless. This battle's like poker: the Joker is useless. Winning's not in your cards. Call me Arkham Asylum, I'm crazy with bars!"

Here we are, the absolute best battle that stays as a pure 1-on-1. Lloyd has said recently that this is his personal favorite battle, and it's easy to see why. Pennywise is easily my favorite performance Lloyd has ever done - he absolutely nails the voice, the line delivery, and the look. And Peter's Joker is awesome too - he also does a great job with the voice and delivery, and his costume is great too. Not as spot-on as Lloyd's Pennywise, but it's still more than serviceable. Really, this battle is Peter and Lloyd at their absolute best - you can tell they are both having the time of their lives here.

The lines here are top-notch too. So many bangers - Pennywise describing himself as "the John Wayne of John Wayne Gacys" and "the poster boy for missing person posters", and the absolutely killer lines "Ask Robin if I drop bars" and "No one's dying to play with Joker, except for maybe Heath Ledger". There's a super clever rhyme with "Beat Harley Quinn" and "see Steve Harvey in". And the flow of "You're a John Doe in my deadlights, and you're about to fall from a new height, cause you're weak and you've lost every fight to a knight who wears underwear over his tights" is amazing. And I love that so many actors that have portrayed the characters get shout-outs - obviously Pennywise only has the two with Tim Curry and Bill Skarsgard (though the Skarsgard reference is so subtly woven in that you probably won't even catch it on the first watch). But the Joker gets to pull in references to Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, Jared Leto, Joaquin Phoenix, and Mark Hamill, and it's a lot of fun.

Overall, this battle is amazing. Amazingly written with two amazing performances. Truly peak ERB.

2. Rasputin vs Stalin

Winner: Stalin

Best line: "You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! I'd leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot! Your whole family, shot! All your wizard friends, shot! Anyone who sold you pierogi, shot!"

Huh, I'm realizing just how few of these top spots have actual historical figures - four of the battles in this top ten have just been fictional character vs fictional character, and the only real people depicted that I'd say are old enough to be considered "historical figures" are Bonnie and Clyde, and maybe Alfred Hitchcock. Well, that's about to change - these top two spots are putting the history back in Epic Rap Battles of History, and to me, that's why they beat out the rest.

I've said before that I love when ERB can make me curious and actively want to seek out more information about history. And that's why this battle and the next one are so great - because it's not just about the battle itself being good. The best ERBs create an experience outside of the battle itself. You put on an episode like Luke Skywalker vs Harry Potter and you're like "Oh, that was awesome! All the references to both of the series were great!" and then you move on with your life. But a battle like Rasputin vs Stalin, you think "Wow, that was great!", and then you find yourself reading more about Russian history. ERB didn't tell you to do that; they're not your teacher. You sought out that information because they gave you the nugget of trivia that made you crave more. 

But enough about that, how is the battle itself? Well, it's a certified banger. What you think is going to just be a simple battle between two long-dead high-ranking Russians quickly escalates as it takes you through the rise and fall of the Soviet Union via several more notable Russian leaders jumping into the fray. The battle royale format really does a great job portraying the fraught history that Russia has had over the past century - these guys all had so many different ideas for the country that they probably would all hate each other.

Lloyd steals the show here too - both Stalin and Gorbachev are easily the most memorable parts of this battle. One realization I've come to while doing this list and viewing all the battles so close together is that I think Lloyd is overall my favorite performer. That's not to say that Peter is a bad actor - far from it, he's also amazing. I just think there are overall more battles where Lloyd's performance outshines Peter's than there are the other way around.

1. Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

Winner: Ivan the Terrible

Best line: "Look alive, creme de la Kremlin's arrivin'! Try to serve Ivan, no survivin'."

…With that being said, this is one of those battles where Peter absolutely comes out on top. One strength of portraying historical figures from hundreds of years ago as opposed to fictional characters or people who are currently alive/recently died is that we don't really have as much information about their personalities, leaving how they act much more open to interpretation. And this battle takes full advantage of that. Would the actual Ivan the Terrible have acted this deliciously eeeevil? Probably not, but that's what makes it fun. Him murdering his opponents one by one and delighting in it makes him such a lovable villain. And of course, he's given a great (haha) lineup of characters with big personalities to burn through as well - the performances for Alexander, Frederick, and Catherine are all both memorable and stand out from each other - with Alexander adopting the most traditional rap style, Frederick getting a faster verse, and Catherine getting a slower, more sensual verse.

This battle also has the same deal as what I said about Rasputin vs Stalin, where it made me more curious about history, except this one gets more points for covering not only a larger span of time, but also multiple countries. The only figure in this battle royale that I was sorta familiar with was Alexander, so this definitely motivated me to look more into Ivan, Frederick, and Catherine (though it didn't really make me curious enough to want to know more about Pompey the Great, sorry Pompey :( ).

Overall, this battle just has all the best qualities of ERB rolled up into one tight package - it's funny, it's got great performances, and it teaches you a little something about history while also encouraging you to do your own research. On all fronts, it knocks it out of the park, and that is why it is my #1 favorite Epic Rap Battle of History.

And there you have it! Every single ERB ranked! Whew, this was a lot of work, but I think it goes to show that at the end of the day, I truly love this series if I can blather on this long about it. If you’ve made it this far, then thanks for reading my pointless ramblings, and look forward to more pointless ramblings in the future.

[havendance]

I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts for the Helena poll, and since now I'm thinking about it, my thoughts for the record:

I do really love the 1989 Huntress run. I voted for Rucka, but Cavalieri was a close second.

It's just well written. I like her character in it. I like the introspection and seeing her at the cusp of her origin and all the complicated feelings she has towards what she's doing and the way that she tries to walk away at the end.

But also, I like seeing Helena as part of the greater DC universe and I like seeing her interact with everyone else, and her '89 solo is very isolated, which allows it to breath in it's own way, but I do think that's the reason why Rucka inches out for me.

Because also, her No Man's Land arc is also so important to me and a lot of my favorite beats from there are written by Rucka. No Man's Land #0 where we see her putting on the bat! The sequence in assembly where's she's getting fired, but, dang that's her and all of her emotions. Cry for Blood which, while there are portions of her '89 origin that I prefer, tells a damn good story and I love the way it ties her into Gotham

Chuck Dixon is a mixed bag. He wrote Helena comics I really like and he wrote ones that I really don't. Any time he wrote her showing up in the Robin comics: fun! I love their dynamic. Any time she shows up in the Nightwing comics: I feel like he doesn't quite get her character. Her original reintroduction in Detective Comics: my formative impression of her and still one that I feel holds up. Birds of Prey: Manhunt was fun. I can't ignore him, but also wouldn't call him my favorite for her by a long shot.

I found most of Grant Morrison's JLA run to just be uninteresting. I don't have much to say on him. I'm poking my head into events but not much to say there overall.

Devin Grayson: another mixed bag. I think there were fun parts of Nightwing/Huntress. At the same time, I wish that whatever relationship Dick and Helena could've had wasn't completely overwritten by it. I liked the parts with Helena in Spiritual currency, but Fear of Faith has the dubious honor of being the No Man's Land story that I found to be the most of a chore to read so whatever Helena's characterization was there, it's dragged down by that.

Simone's Helena… Hmmm… I think Helena's certianly there in the Birds of Prey comics I've read so far. I like some of what she's doing with her. I dislike some of it. I think what it boils down to is that it doesn't quite feel like Helena to me, somehow. She just feels off to me.

I haven't read Huntress: Year One or Bedard's BOP run yet, so nothing to say there.

[rosezemlya]

TotK impressions

Officially finished the game! Thoughts under the cut. Potentially light spoilers.

Mechanics fun, visuals beautiful, everything related to the story... weak.

If I split the story into two parts - part one being the ideas and maybe like a bulleted list of events, and part two being the actual "writing", like dialgoue and how the world reacts / interacts with the story: Part one (ideas), good. A lot of promise. Cool thoughts / interactions / images potential. Neat additions to existing lore (usual mixed of bag of confusing additions to, but welcome to Zelda, I guess). Plenty of opportunities for interesting character development or emotional growth or world building.

But the second part (execution) is where it all kind of falls down for me. In the first BotW, the flashbacks ADDED to the story, they didn't repeat each other, they interacted additively or multiplicatively with each other, but they could exist on their own. They tended to define or elaborate on character and relationship dynamics, with only light touches on plot points, which you were mostly getting through the modern-day interactions. I think that's probably most of how it didn't wind up confusing no matter what order you found them in.

I found in TotK the flashbacks were repetitive as Hell and often confusing. At first I thought maybe I was just finding them in a bad order, but then I found them all and I was like, oh, no, it wasn't the order. They just were trying to tell a certain kind of story with a vehicle that's either ill-suited or else they didn't know how to use it properly. I was so confused so often and there were so many things I just had to accept because it was clear the game was never going to offer anything more on the subject.

There was very little character development. I think I was supposed to care about Mineru waaaaaaaay more than I did by the end. This is the closest I've come to liking a Rauru in a Zelda game, and I actually think I could get there with this one, except there was a weird kind of vibe that left me feeling like the was stealing attention/thunder/story from Zelda that made me low key awkward, even when he was being cool.

The tone shifts in the flashbacks were wild, and there was little to no build-up to those shifts. There didn't feel like there was any real emotional continuity or arc between them, even though they had an order, and were relaying a linear narrative.

The world in general utterly failed to acknowledge ANYTHING I had done or knowledge I had at any point, and that significantly contributed to my confusion. I knew where Zelda was and what was going on with the stories about where she was waaaaaaaaaay before I got to the end of those questlines. So why did the world act like I didn't? I had the Master Sword and the world kept pretending I didn't yet.

I am EXTREMELY confused about how this game fits into the official timeline. With the note for those who are somehow here and yet not aware of my general position about the timeline, which is that I don't care about it and don't consider it much overall. But they made an official timeline, and there's supposed to be some sort of internal logic to stuff based on it. So why did this game feel SO MUCH like a complete retcon replacement of OOT? Is it supposed to be? Because it felt like it. Except it can't be. But it kind of has to be? But it's not. But I think it's meant to be? I'm confused.

Where'd the Divine Beasts go? Where'd the Sheikah tech stuff go? Why do people who I definitely knew very well in BotW not know who I am?

Why are the original sages wearing masks all the time and they don't get to be actual characters or people?

I just have a lot of questions and I'm honestly annoyed at the waste of a Zelda story with such good bones.

[kaibutsushidousha]

Opinion on each Jojo part ?

Phantom Blood can definitely feel underwhelming compared to other parts but being the first makes it highly elevated by the novelty of Jojo's aesthetics, and most importantly, Jonathan's and Dio's relationship is a dramatic peak Araki rarely ever reached again.

Battle Tendency has Joseph Joestar as the protagonist, which automatically makes it a blast to read through. I also like the way its line-up of enemies is presented and built up in advance. I understand it's not Araki's style but I prefer that a lot compared to Jojo's usual monster of the week deal.

Stardust Crusader is the big adventure of a crew of boring characters commanding boring Stands, so its quality needs to be hard carried by the quality of each fight's villain, which fluctuates very wildly.

Diamond is one of those urban fantasy settings that manages to make you fall in love with the city. Morioh feels really alive and I wouldn't mind its SoL antics going on for a lot longer. Especially since here is where Stands really start to get consistently good. That said, the final plot is also excellent, with the PoV rotating between Josuke, Rohan, Hayato, and Kira, which are all excellent characters.

Vento Aureo has the best overall cast and it's where the Stands reach the sweetest of being very creative without feeling bloated like the future part stands. But what defines a plot the most is the quality of its conclusion and Vento Aureo's conclusion is about as lame as it can get.

Stone Ocean is entirely shaped by the Pucci brothers, with Enrico being Araki's best-written character by a very wide margin and Weather not falling too far below him on the rankings.

Steel Ball Run clashes the most compelling Jojo against the least compelling villain for a very mixed-bag experience, but overall more on the positive side. Stands are thankfully downscaled after the part 6 bloat but still fail to return to the consistency peak of parts 4 and 5.

Jojolion is a mystery, which is a genre that very much plays into Araki's writing weaknesses, mainly his inability to give a fuck once he changes his mind. It also wastes its good villains in the first half, so the second half leaves us stuck with lame-ass Tooru and his way too many friends with Stands that spread powders in the air. The only thing holding that half together is how great Wonder of U is.

The Jojolands makes a great first impression that drives it perfectly clear what the part is about. Now we only need to hope it sticks the landing, but Tayutan from Cipher Academy says it's the best part and I trust her judgment.

(Ranked: 6>4>7>2>1>5>3>8)

[madamemimic]

Fully completed the definitive edition of LISA the Painful this afternoon. Here are my thoughts. Spoilers under the cut.

Overall I was super impressed with the changes made to Painful.

First, the sprite change for Junior and the edit to Salvation Black’s intro were nice. Lisa’s got it’s fair share of edgy humor, sure, but those felt a little overboard and mean-spirited. Bloodiest Wolf is still… not great, though. I get that he’s supposed to be covered in blood and his skin isn’t ACTUALLY supposed to be that red, but it looks really bad.

The improved graphics and border art make the game way, way nicer to look at. Glad I don’t have to deal with differently-sized pixels fucking up the visuals.

Changes to the battle system are a little mixed, but overall good (and the issues are currently getting fixed thanks to SF’s frankly absurd community feedback response). TP not refilling when taking damage sucks, the alcohol boost is neat, battles are a lot snappier, seeing what status effects actually do is nice, and the flavor text at the top of the screen is super buggy. Again, a mixed bag, but overall an improvement in my opinion. Animated battle backgrounds are also fantastic.

Missing joy addictions getting patched in is nice. Annoying, but it’s what was intended.

I wish there was more new content throughout the game. I was expecting some new enemies and NPCs, but in my experience there really weren’t any up until the superboss. Then again, I might just be misremembering what was actually in the game. It’s been years since I played the original.

Campfire scenes fucking rule. They make your party members feel like actual people. Some of Brad’s dialogue in certain scenes feels a tad stilted, but I don’t care much. Queen Roger, Geese, and Ollie - party members that I never cared about in the original - became some of my favorites thanks to these scenes. Also, fuck Garth to Hell.

The superboss was incredible. The leadup to it was nauseating, the atmosphere was thick with dread, the conversation with Joy Marty was incredibly upsetting… and GOD, that fight. Took me an hour and a half, and I was having a blast the whole way through. So many new mechanics and twists and turns (Marty permanently reducing your party’s stats was a nice surprise) that all add to the helplessness of the encounter.

And the dialogue afterwards, my God. It adds so much content to Brad and Lisa’s relationship, their home life, and the guilt that Brad feels over her death. Fucking fantastic. The music is great, too.

Haven’t done Joyful’s secret stuff yet, but I like the warlord abilities. It doesn’t fix the gameplay issues of only having one party member, but no RPG really can. At the very least, it adds options.

Rest in peace Work Harder. You will be missed.

[crystalelemental]

I keep trying to post something interesting about this and failing, so forgot it: general thoughts now that I've finished all the I'm in Love With the Villainess light novels.

Overall, pretty fun! I enjoyed it quite a lot. Rae and Claire are very cute, and I love them. To the surprise of no one, I really like Claire, very much my character type. I was surprised how much I wound up liking Rae, though. I find her very...relatable. Like, the tendency to respond to anything serious and therefore uncomfortable with goofs, the desire to just be apolitical at all times, hiding insecurities by over-exaggerating things and avoiding disappointment by self-sabotaging. There's something about how she is that just connects.

The rest of the cast is generally good, but far less significant. Which is a weak point overall, I think. I found myself wanting a lot more of some of the side characters that don't do as much directly. For as right there as Misha always is, she doesn't contribute much, which is hindered all the more with her relationship with Yu, which doesn't get a whole lot of development. They get like two scenes. It's a bit disappointing, because I would've liked more of their dynamic. Similar situation with Lilly, who is my girl, and who not only doesn't get many scenes, but also is Possessions Georg, being mind controlled or otherwise possessed by every entity capable of doing so. Poor girl.

I think Book 3 was when, character wise, I started to lose a bit of interest. Like, we already had multiple side characters I really liked who weren't getting substantial play at this point, and now we're going to introduce a whole new set that are...frankly not as interesting to me? May and Aleah are adorable, I love the kids, but the rest aren't quite as interesting despite how many there are. It's not even that they don't get a lot of time; Philine, Hilda, and Dorothea get as much time as any other side character, but I don't really connect with them as much. Couldn't entirely tell you why. ...well, I might be able to in part.

I think Book 3 is when it became a bit much that every character was interested in either Rae or Claire. Manaria was excusable as the one hidden route in the original game, so like sure, that checks out in the same way as the princes. Lilly, sure, I'm willing to accept that, since Manaria kinda backs off even if feelings are still there. But then Philine's interested in Claire, and Lana's interested in Rae, and at the point Rae and Claire are basically married it gets to be a bit much? I'm not saying I wanted nothing but cute domestic wives like the first chapter of Book 3, but also maybe that's what I wanted. Because I do legitimately love that dynamic through the rest of the series.

For what it does do, I think it does well. The story's fun and engaging and there were multiple points where I was squealing with excitement over the recent developments. I think if there's one thing they did well, it's building tension. Which is impressive for an isekai where the protagonist knows, more or less, what's going to happen in advance. And it's nice that every twist isn't another stomp against the protagonists. I think it's pretty common for the twists to build tension being things that work against the protagonists, but just as often the story sets up some hint at Rae being up to something that isn't revealed until later, and it's a fun little hook. The quickest example I can think of is when May and Aleah are kidnapped, and they reference May having a bag as their trump card, but not revealing what that was until near the end of that encounter. Related: Ralaire is hilarious. Like it always shows up to save the day, at like the perfect interval that I forgot it was there.

The Book 5 reveal is...a mixed bag for me. I generally don't love the kind of switch from hard magic (barring the isekai, which I think counts) into a more sci-fi "it's basically the real world adjacent" narrative. But I think it's relatively unobtrusive? Like, once it's out, they never stop talking from that angle. But I think the way things work out for characters is still interesting. I love that initial Rei's whole deal was that all these cycles wore down her affections until it didn't feel right anymore. I love that they have an AI that's focused on keeping humanity going at all costs, willing to fuck with everyone here to achieve that goal; very Etrian Odyssey 2 of you. I like that, in the re-written world, Lilly has no idea what's going on but still wants the best for Rae.

I think if there's one thing I expected to matter more, it's tandem casting. They made a huge deal of this, and about how it links to the secrets of the world, and it...doesn't really do much of anything. It's pretty unexplained how this was so linked to the hidden truth of reality, or why it works at all. Or how it's associated with the ring that Torrid made. There's a lot of gray area on that one. Which is a shame because I do love me some magic systems. Related note: I love how the initial explanation for wind is "yeah it's like support I guess, don't worry about it," and then it's easily the most overpowered element, being able to project or silence sound, power up physical attacks, be used offensively, create a shield, dispel certain kinds of magic, and goddamn manipulate time. Like oh okay, wind just does everything. Water and Earth have some stuff, while Fire is just...fire. You do damage. That's it. I do like that overall proficiency is secondary to skill, though. Like, Salas' hypnosis magic is super powerful and dangerous, and he's only like mid-proficiency as I recall. I think the applications of the system are more interesting than the system itself.

The only odd bits from magic that slightly bug me are Dark magic, and the void. Dark bugs me just because it's better than all of them by default, and also because they designated Earth as the color black, but Final Fantasy rules say that should be yellow and Wind should be green and yes this bothers me. The void is just...what Dorothea and Aleah have going on. Like oh, sure, they can completely negate all magic used against them, or absorb that magic to create their own attacks. Don't get me wrong, big fan of Spellblade Aleah, but it feels hysterically overpowered for little reason, and kinda undercuts the significance of their whole discussion with the kids about how not having magic won't make them any less important.

As a last note, I don't think I'm legally allowed to just...not mention that yes, as many others have pointed out since episode 3 of the anime, there are a lot of discussions around sexuality and gender identity. It's very direct in calling things what they are, and it is nice to see things discussed so openly. I do think it sometimes comes across a bit heavy-handed, but then you kinda need to for people who don't have a baseline understanding of these things.

I think I'm running out of things to talk about. The short is, I had a good time. They're fun books, would recommend.

[thunderjolt]

strider (2014)

immediately after playing the nes game, i thought to myself: "hey! there's another exploratory strider game and it's been burning a hole in my steam library for 10 years!" well, i finally got around to it. strider 2014 is an interesting beast. overall, i think it's decent.

metroidvanias are a genre i'm very particular about. i think there are a few main pillars: map design, exploration, backtracking, movement, and combat. why don't we run through each real quick, in order of how impressed i was by them.

movement: the movement in strider is excellent. there are many ways to optimize it and tons of little tricks to use. you don't start the game feeling slow or useless either: this game starts you off with essentially the full moveset from strider 2, making you feel fast and powerful from the jump and only increasing your potency from there. the seamless transitions between most screens also result in traversal feeling super smooth. it's not frictionless though, and the movement does require player skill and input to get the most out of. definitely a highlight.

combat: this is really intertwined with movement. as i said earlier, this game starts you off super strong, and you just get stronger. that feeling of mowing through armies of dudes with just one giant laser sword is palpable here. yet still, the game doesn't play itself; you'll need the requisite amount of finesse and quick thinking to get through quickly, but the game gives you the tools to do so, and as you develop that skill it just becomes more and more satisfying

backtracking: some metroidvanias don't have room design i find conducive to backtracking. many of the games on the "-vania" side have enemies that simply require too much time and attention to defeat. personally, i believe that after a certain point in a metroidvania, rooms of enemies earlier in the game should be dispatched without much thought. this is the case in strider, and the game is better for it. you will still struggle with enemies that match the part of the game you're in, but otherwise getting back through areas is smooth thanks to smart upgrade design.

exploration: this is where i think things get a little weaker. the rewards for exploration in this game are there, but they are relatively few in number and don't really inspire curiosity. a problem a lot of people seem to have with super metroid is that its secrets tend to only reward the player with say, a paltry missile tank for their efforts. i don't really have an issue with that, though. even if the reward doesn't stack up, a map littered with little puzzle boxes to pique the player's interest and test their mechanical skills or knowledge is far better than one without. sadly, this game is just lacking in things that make the player interested in the world, and it's a shame.

map design: it's boring. this is what really kills an otherwise strong game for me. both the map (as in the world the player traverses) and the map (as in the thing that guides the player) are poorly designed in my opinion. the game world is not interconnected in an organic or satisfying way, and largely feels like a disjointed assortment of linear challenge rooms. this problem is patched up by fast travel points across the map, to hide the fact that you're mostly good in straight lines, but it's far from a solution. the map itself gives you extremely precise information on the layout and terrain of the world, where you can go to get rewards with your new upgrades, and a huge arrow with a number telling you your exact distance from the next objective. the game never respects the player's intelligence long enough to let them explore the map themselves, possibly because the developers knew they didn't have anything interesting. it's a real shame.

so overall, a mixed bag. i think the game is pretty fun overall, and it goes pretty cheap, so if you're in the mood to slash some shit up as a ninja in a metroidvania package, you could do worse.

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

RWBY Volume 9 Episode 2 thoughts

So this is just truly a first impressions dump of thoughts on the episode but this episode was a roller coaster so I wanted to share.

First off I do want to say, this episode did actually give me a bit of an emotional gut punch when Ruby gave her speech about Penny in the end of the episode. You could feel the pain and sadness and love towards Penny in it and it made me hurt about Penny all over again. 

Unfortunately though....in some ways it is too little too late. We didn’t get this continuing reaction for her first death so having it feels like “finally!” but also “why did it take so long” I did truly like it but its certainly a mixed bag for me. What really fell flat for me is the moment afterwards with the comedic crying of the guards listening to Ruby talk about Penny. It’s supposed to be an emotional moment where Ruby’s words touch the hearts of the guards through her emotions and pain and we’re turning it comedic. 

Like the idea of even the horses crying shows how different this world is but it feels too comedic for what should have been an emotional scene. Overall this is kind of a common issue with the episode, comedy coming in with very poor timing and it hurts the flow of the episodes and the emotions we are supposed to be feeling. 

This happens an annoying number of times through the episode, comedy stripping away from what is genuinely an emotional moment. When Little grabs what we later learn is Penny’s sword and Ruby getting emotional seeing it but then having Yang play tug of war with her arm and so much attention being drawn to the comedy of it, Ruby crying over Penny’s sword and talking about how she felt drawn to it being overshadowed by the same bit from episode one with Ruby being trapped in the loop with the added, Weiss knocks herself out with the rock she threw that came back to hit her nonsense trying to bury what is happening on screen, Yang and Blake are flirting and Weiss is saying “Finally” and making a joke out of it with everyone ignoring how clearly upset and hurt Ruby is. It just keeps happening with comedy that really doesn’t work. 

As a side note....is CRWBY trying to confirm Bmblebe through Weiss? Is it confirmed or just like the Nora situation in volume 7? I am genuinely unsure here lolz. 

Also Little continues to just....sleep and it is becoming very frustrating. Having Ruby talk through things with Little could have been so interesting but instead they sleep through all of these emotional moments and offer none of their thoughts on these things. 

We also are finally seeing Ruby and Weiss at least question their decisions and starting to see they have no clue what they’re doing and really shouldn’t be making these massive and important decisions. This could be a really good arc to explore....too bad I have a feeling Yang and Blake or the narrative will make sure to assure them that they did absolutely nothing wrong and they are perfect and should keep doing what they’ve been doing. Maybe I’ll eat my words and maybe the volume will end with the girls accepting they fucked up big time and Altas falling is partially their fault but letting them learn and grow and keep fighting but I really don’t have much faith that will happen. 

[gentil-minou]

Hi Bushy! I'd like to ask how did you get into k-dramas/ c-dramas and what are your favorites? I'm currently watching Love between fairy and devil and I'm so into it!

oh man i've been into asian dramas since I was a little teen. like while all my peers were into anime i gravitated toward jdramas, before eventually getting into kdramas and more recently this past year cdramas. I think I love the stories and that they're shorter overall than western tv, so I don't have to keep being engaged over the years.

Narrowing down my faves is soooo hard but for folks who want to get into kdramas my recs would be (under a read more because I used a lot of gifs):

Coffee Prince - all time fave, just the best characters and sweetest story. The ending was meh but I adore them all so much, this will always have a special place in my heart. Also the OST still SLAPS. Also also I know I used the term my best girl a lot but Go Eun Chan IS ACTUALLY the best girl she is like my dearest friend

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon - MY BEST GIRL (yes i know what i just said) and my best pathetic man, adore them and this story. Kdramas have this fun genre thats basically romcom with a side of murder and I eat that up. Also two of my favorite actors ever

Twenty Five Twenty One - I have to rec it because those first 12-14 episodes were the best episodes of any drama I've ever seen. Just phenomenal. Might break your heart but worth it tbh

When the Camelia Blooms - see: romcom with a side of murder genre. also just adore everything gong hyo jin is in

Healer - it's got its problems but the identity shenanigans are top tier just YEAH

Extraordinary Attorney Woo - I know western fans might not be so impressed with the fact that the actress herself is not on the spectrum, but I thought the portrayal was very well done and considering how this is the first kdrama depicting ASD characters as the hero, it's an incredible first step. Also it's just so adorable and wonderful I even put up with my hatred of legal dramas for it. Also whales.

Her Private Life - prettiest main couple ever i could stare at them forever. i'm not a fan of the childhood connection plot but i accepted it for this, also Sian my baby boy

Goong - SO DATED NOW but it's my first kdrama so i gotta rec it omg. But arranged marriage enemies to lovers YESSS AND MODERN MONARCHY YEAHHHH

Moonlight Drawn by Clouds - the crossdressing trope is a big one in kdrama and i always enjoy it look im a simple gal okay. also i adore the female lead so much

A Business Proposal - kookie fun, just so much fun djkfhsd. Wonderful friendships and romance. Thank god this aired while 2521 was on air cause i don't know how i would have survived tbh

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo - JUST THE CUTEST MAIN LEADS LIKE GOSH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

Those are the ones off the top of my head I have to admit I am BEHIND and i don't always finish a drama, because tbh it's really a mixed bag and they can be good or absolute garbage but depends on your interests. I tend to gravitate towards romance genres but theres a lot of intrigue and mystery and action and melodrama there's really something for everyone. And not everyone will agree with each other on it but still

I'm new to cdramas but I really loved Love Between Fairy and Devil, stellar throughout. I gotta rec The Untamed because my best boys but it might not be for everyone. I'm still working on New Life Begins but it's very cute and feel good.

Give me more recs btw! I love them!

[yesterdanereviews]

Sharktopus (2023)

Film review #607

Directors: Hu Dong-Sheng, Shixing Xu

SYNOPSIS: When a huge octopus washes up dead on the shore, Scientist Dr. Jingya Fan, who was working on the project to create it, abandons the project. The financial backer, Mr. Chen, is not impressed with this, and kidnaps her son to force her to continue her research in secret aboard his ship. When the shark-octopus (sharktopus) hybrid research subject escapes from captivity, the lives of the crew and passengers are put in danger, and must stop the sharktopus before it's too late...

THOUGHTS/ANALYSIS: Sharktopus is a 2023 sci-fi film. technically a remake of the 2010 TV movie Sharktopus, it bears no resemblance to it other than the title, and a titular shark-octopus hybrid. At the start, a giant octopus washes up on shore (while crushing some passers by), which it turns out is a research project led by Dr. Jingya Fan and financed by the mysterious Mr. Chen. Fan leaves the project, but Mr. Chen blackmails her to return by kidnapping her son in order to get her to develop a cure for multiple sclerosis, which is what her son has as well as the new test subject: A shark-octopus hybrid, or "sharktopus" if you will. Dr. Fan is taken to a cruise ship that secretly houses a research laboratory where she can do her work, but Interpol raid the ship to arrest Mr. Chen at the same time as the Sharktopus escapes from confinement, and so everyone is searching for a way to survive and stop the monster. The film certainly has a lot more going on than the original Sharktopus film, but that's not hard, as it barely had a story at all; just scenes of women in bikinis at the beach stitched together. This remake is essentially just a typical horror movie though, with the cast trying to avoid getting hunted down by the monster. There's not really any gore or jump scares, so the film just focuses on the cast and their trying to survive.

The film does get quite complicated, and there's a lot going on with the characters: you have Dr. Fan trying to save her son, then you have a team of Interpol agents raiding the ship, and one of them just so happens to be Dr. Fan's ex-partner and the Father to her son. The whole story and all the different characters do make things quite convoluted towards the end, so we don't get much focus on the monster as we perhaps should. Also, none of the kills are really creative or exciting either: the action is very ill-paced, and we don't see enough of the Sharktopus to make it an interesting centrepiece for the film.

The effects in the film are a mixed bag. They are fairly detailed, including the Sharktopus itself, but the CG doesn't blend in too well, and it looks a bit odd in motion. It definitely could have been worse, but it's not great either. The film does offer a bit of a twist at the end, but again, since the film doesn't really create much tension, and is all over the place, it doesn't really feel like it has too much consequence. Overall, Sharktopus has the honour of being better than the film it is based on, but that's a very small accomplishment given the state of the 2010 film. While the film does try and build characters and give them motivation, it's very limited, and it doesn't offer anything exciting in terms of being a monster film, with lacklustre horror, action and/or gore. I suppose the 2010 film at least had a self-awareness that it was silly, but this 2023 version really takes itself seriously, without the stronger plot and production to back that up.

[mythicamagic]

Otomes I played in 2022

I thought I'd do some quickie reviews of otomes I've played recently such as: Hakuoki, Cupid Parasite, Psychedelica of the Black Butterfly, Sweet Fuse, Taisho Alice, Variable Barricade, Theory of Fear, Diabolik Lovers HDB and MB, Birushana, Ikemen Prince, Ikemen Vampire and Ikemen Sengoku.

Whew, I played more than I thought XD remember all this ranting is just my personal opinion.

Aight so Hakuoki:

For the most part I didn't mesh well with this one. The months in game felt pretty drawn out and slow-paced, and I didn't latch onto any of the characters except for the demons. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I just didn't feel like mc belonged there- and that she was way more invested in the Shinsengumi than they were bothered about her. I did enjoy seeing some historical events play out in Hijikata's route, and I liked seeing Kazama show up to wreck shit. Kazama was great, Kazama gave me a few months of brain rot. I did LOVE the music in this game though, dayme it was beautiful, and it goes without saying but the art style of the CGs were gorgeous. I'm glad I played this one because it's seen as a classic but I didn't personally get the hype sadly. I actually watched a playthrough of a fan-translated spin-off game (SSL) and actually PREFERRED it, despite it being just a comedy game. Whats wrong with me?

Best boy: Kazama

Cupid Parasite

I remember having mixed feelings about this one, it was a mixed bag. Pretty ok! I really liked Allan's route and the voice acting was solid. Art style was interesting but it hurt my eyes after a while XD I think for me I just didn't find much of a 'replayability' factor. I enjoyed it fine, but it won't stay with me as one of the special otomes I love, capisce? I just couldn't stand Gil or Ryuki. Raul was fine and Shelby was fine, so overall it was just 'ok' for me.

Best boy: Allan. Really enjoyed Jupiters voice acting tho (from Yangs VA hehe)

Psychedelica of the Black Butterfly

I remember while playing this game my friend hated its art style but man I LOVED playing this one. It felt really unique in terms of atmosphere, with mystery/suspense elements. It took me back to the earlier days of visual novels because I didn't look up a walkthrough for a bunch of this and it led to a lot of frustration and dead ends, but even that was kind of fun to figure out. Loved its twists and turns and bittersweet moments. I also loved having a voiced heroine with Beniyuri (which was one of my first experiences with the feature) and wish more heroines were voiced. Also this one had a BANGING OP, whooo! Reminded me of early 2000's nostalgia cheese, love it.

Best boy: Hikage and Yamato

Sweet Fuse: At your side

Hi um WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS OTOME? Yeah I think its a bit of a lost gem but if you have a PS Vita, I totally rec buying this one. It's such a fun ride, and with a great MC to boot. The Love interests in this game were all very unusual and not typical otome pretty boyz but I really enjoyed the way they were written. The groups chemistry was great as well. The age gap thing might bother some people though so keep that in mind before playing. Anyway, the setting and plot reminded me a little of Danganronpa 2 and I had a real fun time with it.

Best boy: Mitarashi

Taisho x Alice

Hooo boy people were excited for this on the otome subreddit. I sat down to try it and...

Well, I didnt think it was possible for an MC to ruin my game experience but here we are. I couldn't stand this game's heroine. Yes I understand why she was written that way, yes I enjoyed some of the guys and the end reveal was unique and impressive- but was it worth suffering through Yurika? Mn...possibly not. She seems to be somewhat divisive though and if you can stomach her 'memeing' and 'I'm not like OTHER GURLS' energy as she twirls, winks with both eyes and shouts to the world that she's SOOOO Quirky guyz- maybe you'll like this game. Thing is, even putting all...that, aside, I didn't like her attitude with Red by invading his personal space, and a certain thing she did in the last route made me incredibly uncomfortable but of course it was brushed aside bc she's the HEROINE GUYS.

Best boy: Ryoushi and lil gremlin man Alice- actually while I'm here, if you can stomach the MC, Alice's VA had probably the best performance I've heard in an otome. He was hilarious- and had super great range

Variable Barricade

Boy I was super hyped for this one, it was probably my most anticipated game of the year. Great art style, great common route, great voice acting...and then the routes went on. I've noticed people seem to share the same sentiment that they usually enjoy the boys routes but then shit hits the fan and the boy is insensitive, the main heroine is too harsh or dumb- the boy LEAVES, the guy is manipulative- point is, something sours the routes and they're hard to recover from. I really liked Hibari as a heroine at first but as the routes went on I was actively wanting her to NOT be in a relationship, as she demonstrated time and again that she just wasn't ready for one. I ended up selling this game as soon as I was done with it, which I feel sad about, because I really wanted to like VB.

Best boy: Taiga

Theory of Fear

I don't know why I played this game. XD I actually played a couple of 'indie' otomes like Trapped with Jester, Blooming Panic and Boyfriend to Death (the latter I wouldn't uh...call an otome...plus it awakened unpleasant revelations that I might be into some disturbing tropes so THANKS for that game. Never have I been more uncomfortable with being asked if I'd prefer a Hammer or Drill)

Anywho, Theory of Fear isn't discussed much. It's this awkward lil game with Russian voice acting you can find on Steam. Very 'this is someone's first fanfic' vibes, rife with sexual assault around every corner. Every time Yuki showed up I was like - oh boy here we go again. I found Sadaos route quite interesting in some ways though due to his way of 'fear exposure' and quite literally exposing the mc to her worst fears and mingling that with pleasure. I dunno, a twisted concept that made my brain itch in a good way. The game is bad no doubt about it and I don't rec it but I at least took something away from it. I really enjoyed Blooming Panic though and would totally rec that any day.

Best boy: Sadao- look don't you JUDGE ME

Diabolik Lovers HDB and MB

In keeping with this trend of dark romance stuff that shouldn't make my brain go brrr but does is Diabolik Lovers. It's not English Translated but with the first two games in the series now on Switch, I used fan translations to play through the games and had a grand ole time. This franchise is only for people who like trash men ok. These boys are awful in every way and quite frankly you can't defend any of their abuse or actions BUT... it's fiction. And if you enjoy your fav VAs whispering degrading things in your ear, moaning and blood-sucking noises (wear headphones for these games oml) then you'll lurve this series like I do. I found myself enjoying Reiji more than I thought I would and Shuu a little less than anticipated, considering I used to love him in my earlier fandom days. Subaru remains the undisputed champ though.

Best boy: Subaru

Birushana: Rising Flower of Genpei

This game was aight! Better than Hakuoki in my opinion but I know people will come for my head by saying that lmao. It wasn't a perfect game and holy hell did some battles drag on (hi Benkais route) but it really introduced some unique elements plus the best Rivals/ Enemies to lovers trope I've seen so far in otome with Noritsunes route. I recommend this game just for his route, to be honest. I thought Tomomori would be my favourite but he fell a little short for me.

Best boy: Noritsune and Shigehira

Ongoing- Ikemen Prince, Ikemen Vampire and Ikemen Sengoku

I haven't finished all the routes in these mobile game otomes but yup they're my latest addiction. I'm obsessed.

I think Ikesen is my favourite of the three (I'm not touching Ikerev sorry) because of its writing being stronger in terms of just how fun and lively the world feels. Mc helps in a big way with that, and her chemistry with most of the guys is great to witness. Ikesen's menu layout is defo the worst though and could do with an update.

Ikevamp is aight, I didn't enjoy Comtes route like I thought I would and Leo made me sad but I'm loving Arthurs route, what a good boy. I have no gripes with the layout and the music is cute. I've spent the least amount of money on Ikevamp but still had a great time, which I feel is important if you want to be a free to play player. Also Faust route localisation WHEN?!

Ikepri's layout is the best no contest, everything looks super clean and stylish and the gacha systems are dangerous bc holy hell the cards look so good and pretty. Ikepri has hurt my wallet the most though and I defo feel the most pushed out of all of them to spend money. I think the writing is fine for Ikepri but oddly I enjoy the Events more the Routes themselves?? anyone else feel that way? I like it though, I just need to be stricter on myself not to get sucked into gambling because of it loll

Best girl and light of my life: Ikesen's MC Mai Mizusaki.

Best ikevamp boy: Faust

Ikesen: Mitsuhide or Motonari

Ikepri: Chevalier

[tikitania]

hello! would you happen to know how maria khoreva's odette/odile debut was received by those who watched it? i saw irinaba trashing it quite horribly with her followers (and based on the videos she posted, I can kind of see why, it was a bit underwhelming) but she is known for hating maria khoreva in general so i'm trying to find what others might have thought. but it's been said that the audience wasn't full and most of the usual channels i'm subscribed to just didn't go, so I haven't been able to find anything.

I've read Irina's thrashing of Khoreva. And I've read another's admiration. As expected, it's a very mixed bag. The local audience is not very impressed, while her worldwide social media fanbase adores everything she does. Personally, in close-up footage, I thought she looked cautious and stiff. At times, she looked tired. From videos shot from farther back, I thought, "Not bad. There's something to build on." The one thing that really bugged me is that her feet seemed very stiff. She has these beautiful feet, but they seemed…hard and not pliable. I'm not sure why.

But I think the biggest overall criticism that I'm coming across is the one that has dogged her for a while: too young, too soon, not artistic enough. I think there's the feeling that she hasn't earned it and her dancing will be viewed through that lens for a long time. I don't think she was ready. Maybe she'll grow into it, but I don't think she has the necessary lyricism. Kutzensova had more natural plasticity in her recent PDD evening than Khoreva exhibited during her debut, despite Kuznetsova’s partnering bobbles. I don't have the technical knowledge to break down her debut, step-by-step, but I look forward to it.

[altocat]

Did you like the beta overall?

After sleeping on it, I'm pretty ehhh about Ever Crisis so far. The graphics and music are very impressive for a mobile game, but the story experience feels kind of cheap and not nearly as rewarding as it would in an actual video game setting.

First Soldier's story will make or break it. If they do something bland and conventional, fine. If they do something ambitious and impressive in a limited scope, even better. But if they go balls to the walls ridiculous messing with canon I'm going to be very pissy about it. The FS trio aren't anything special, but they aren't horrible. Just generic. It will come down to the overall story and how they present young Seph that will clinch it. And they could VERY easily mess that up. So I'm crossing my fingers!

But I'll say some more good things--it's fairly straightforward and you are getting the stories. They just have kind of an abridged feel to them. Auto battle is convenient if you just want to breeze through the game. And seeing quality cutscenes on your phone is really neat. I'm genuinely interested in seeing how they adapt Advent Children. And maybe the gameplay in Dirge will be -gasp- better!

So yeah. I'm open to what comes next. It's a mixed bag for me but it's still very early.