#over a year of me being alone and realizing i dont want to be anymore

[misqnon]

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[6mayhem]

but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture

[kyoohyeon]

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[bear-remn]

loved your shu headcanons!! i love how much thought you put into them <3 can’t wait for the laito version hehe

— laito headcanons!

hii, omg ty for enjoying this little series and liked my art! i really appreciatiate it!!

to begin with, i have a litle post as a warning for laito headcanons, bc for me, laito is one of the most complex and difficult characters to undertands, so he is so much more than a perverted character and a leg lover (anime laito is terrible guys 💀💀)

tw: this post contains nsfw (+18)!!! if you dont like that content dont read it!

his looks and selfcare

i think laito is a man that do care for his appearence, he ofc takes multiple showers in a week and loves to smell good, he often buy new perfumes with different scents just bc he loves it.

but unlike reiji, laito does not spend too much time doing skin care, he uses is good and never ending facial soap, its a bar of soap, a mint one. and about his hair, he also uses the same shampoo and conditioner, with argan and a little herb scent. laito loves cold showers, but quick, he is not a man to take his time, he is fast and dont waste time. mostly bc i belive laito dont really like being naked... alone.

i think laito do use sunscreen, bc he wants to have good skin as he ages (even if he is a vampire, let the man belive it).

and sometimes when laito is down i do belive he uses concealer to cover his eyebags, this doesnt happen often but has happened in the past.

something laito enjoy about getting ready is his hair, he uses dry repair creams, hair texturizer and hair oils to keep his ends healthy.

and as for clothes, i belive laito likes soft colors and not so saturated, but not pastel colors! maybe bc i also belive that colors affect his vision, like when people dont like to see neon colors in sports clothes, thats laito but not only with neon colors, he doesnt like too flashy and explosive colors. actually he loves the color blue.

i think laito is aware of how handsome he is, laito has a marked jaw, a slightly upturned nose and slanted eyes with a seductive and cautious gaze, but as well, his gaze can turn into a penetrating and deep one, making everyone tremble for how intense his eyes are, and not tremble in a good way, laito is scary.

i think laito also has pretty lips, but a little detail i like too, is that laito used to bite the skin of his lips in his early teen ages, giving himself tiny wounds. but Reiji always told him to use lip balm to heal these same wounds, although this only happened at certain times of the year, or sometimes when laito past through a stressful situation. over time he has been able to realize and apply his lip balm in time, leaving laitos lips with a slight shine always, it became a habit that he maintains, even if laito dont bite the skin of his lips anymore.

i also think that he instead of exercising, laito prefers to do another type of physical movement, such as walking or running, he does not like to lift weight to get muscle since he sees it illogical if he has inhuman strength, this gives him strong legs and calves of steel, he always shows his calves as a pride for himself. that also give him a lot of stamina not just for his body, but also his mind. running seems to be a perfect way to clear laito's mind. but that does'nt take away the wide shoulders, it runs in the family.

a little detail i like is that laito might have more moles in his body, like one in his hand, other in his neck, another one in his calves, and his back! but he doesnt get to see those.

and finally, unlike his olders brothers, shu and reiji, laito can grow a beard but he does'nt like it, he feels old.

random stuff

so, its no secret laito loves games, but i think laito does not like online or digital games, he is more into the classic, ofc its pool and darts, but he also likes board games, dice, marbles and everything related to something physical, does not have much interest in the digital world.

as a said before, laito loves perfumes, does not use the same one for a long time and constantly buys the last ones on the market to try them, not all of them are to his taste but he enjoys to collect them, he likes the flashy bottles.

and as a plus to laito, i think he is more romantic than you think, how so? he totally has a poetry noteboook where he writes every little pretty and romantic feelings laito has, i like to think he also do this with weird dreams so he can't forget them.

oh, and laito has a sensitive tongue, no reason for it, he can't tolerate spicy food or too sweet / salty, he hates it, reiji makes special food for him sometimes so he can enjoy his cooking as well. laito appreciates this.

and as i said before with shu, laito is such a goosip as well, but he is a bad goosip, laito likes to know everything about someting or someone, just bc he thinks he has to know what he likes, completly. that's a reason he has more interaction with his bat relatives, so they can tell him everything.

i like to think that laito is really jealous, like a lot.

i think laito has a secret interest in humans and their way of living, specifically, he is interested in religious topics, he had read Bibles although he found them boring, so prefers to see them captured in movies, and it is even better when they have another meaning than something literal, such as a biblical reference like mother or lamb. but still laito can't get how faith works for humans.

i think laito deep down, want to be more close to shu, mostly for his music collection and stuff but dont know how to adress him, so he just ocasionally ask shu for his disc and vinyls, i like to think that laito wishes to speak more to shu but its so distant that he never tries.

i think laito is also a pranker, like, not with everyone special, mostly his uncle, he likes to hide stuff from him or surprise him by appearing suddenly next to him, he does that to his brothers sometimes, to ayato and reiji mostly.

nsfw

so to begin with, i think laito is not too big or too small, ill say he is a good 17 cm, his dick is straight and with a round tip, and likes to maintain himselft by shaving. he has a prominent vein but has more in his croch, right where is pubic hair grows towards his belly.

i think laito is a good... dominant, i can't see him being actually a bottom in any case, he is such a player and a teaser, but he despites the idea of being dominated too much, maybe being talk back and the try of you wanting to dominate him is not bad, he likes those kindes of roleplays, but at the end he is the one in control.

i think laito likes to praise you in a very direct way, like if he sees you in a pretty outfit he will say something like "oh? dressing up so cute just for me? fufu" or if you two are talking he may sudenly come closer and if you blush he would giggle and say "ah, you smell so sweet, but that face you just did is really something, excited to have me this close? fufu" in every chance he get, he will praise you in some way.

oh, and a little detail that i did'nt know where to put exactly so ill just put it here, laito has a hard time remembering faces and names of girls, so he often just call them the usual "little bitch". a little rude but he can't help himself, so when he get interested in some girl, laito can finally see her face and remember her name. from that point on, laito loves to put nicknames on you, and will stop calling you little bitch without him noticing.

some nicknames i think laito may call you can be princess, cutie or just your name, but he say it with a very loving tone, he do cares about you if he loves you.

so its not a secret that laito can get turned on by a lot of things or situations that are not really hot, but i think he likes things that are'nt normally hot, like if you look at him badly he likes it, he find you cute, he is totally the kind of man that gets turned on by you being mad at them or at anything. angry sex..? he loves it.

or if you two are having an argument and you talk back when he is mad he would get turned on too.

"oh? what was that princess?" laito would take you by your neck and come closer to whisper in your ear with a sly smirk "ill fuck that little atittude out of you if you keep talking to me like that, im starting to belive you want that huh?".

im on my knees.

oh, and about kisses! laito is a suprise kisser, he would kiss you without telling you at first, mostly are just little pecks to surprise you or directly shut you up, other times he would kiss you more but i doubt he initiating tongue kisses, maybe if you look at him in some way or you asking for more kisses, then laito would do it. and he get really worked up for it, feeling your tongue in his mouth, sharing saliva, he is going crazy.

i think that laito also is a very good foreplay guy, while making out he literally talks you trought it, whispering as he kisses your neck and hold your waist close "are you trying to burn me with you body?... even your blood got heat up... fufu... do i make you this horny, princess?" then he would take your clothes off carefully, he wants to feel your skin close, bc laito as a vampire cant really make his body heat by himself, but your body being hot makes him want to melt into you, he kisses every place he can and tease you about it. and all of that with that gaze of him??? omg, this man just by staring at you can make you sigh weak, he knows what he is doing looking at you with those intense green eyes.

i also belive laito is a man who enjoy giving pleasure to his partner, like, he loves giving you oral, not just to make you feel good, he loves to taste you, kiss a part so private for laito is intoxicating. he is a starving man eating what your precious body gives him. and laito moans into your juices, licking your clit softly and holding your hips close to him when he licks faster "fuck princess... only i can eat you like this... mmh..." and if you are giving him oral laito likes to tease you too, but he is such an ass about it, laito likes ot be standing while you are your knees, or maybe if he is sit in the edge of the bed and you on your knees as well, but anyways laito likes you on your knees. i think laito likes to look down at you, and if you look up at him he will go crazy, the man loves eye contact. if he see you too confortable with his dick on you mouth, he will thrust deep in your troat just to see you tears in your eyes, laito would just smile and apologize even if he is'nt really sorry "oh... sorry princess, did i hurt your pretty mouth? fufu..." likes to hear how wet his dick sound in your mouth.

i think laito is like reiji when its about the speed and strenght he uses, its always depending of the mood, if its like a morning sex laito will be more gentle and sensual about it, slow and deep inside you while talking dirty in you ear. ofc he is a talker in bed. also likes to play with you clit gently, its a plus if he gets to see your face, he would feel so good of himself just to make you look like you do in that moment. in these cases laito would like spooning, yes, like that he can trust into you while whispering, he would hold your neck so you can look back at him and kiss him, he loves wet kisses during sex.

"ya' like it princess?... yeah..? mm... bet ya' feel real good with me so deep huh? fufu..."

and if its like an angry sex or just more energetic he would be so great, he likes to be rough sometimes as well, he would put you on all four and fuck you hard while holding you by your arms, and he is fierce. loves the sound his and your bodies makes in every thruts. laito will lift your torso up to hug you tigh to keep fucking you wild as he holds you neck. hearing you moan loudly just makes him go faster "yes princess... scream my name ohh.. fuck... no one can fuck you like i do, ya' hear me princess... oh... just me" laito is the kind of man that loves to leave you with marks, hikeys, love bites, his fangs, everything, even leaving you ass with the shape of his hand for how many times he slap you, he loves it. laito loves to mark what is his.

and when he cums, he tend to bite you as well, not all the time, but if the full moon is high he cant help himself. and he cums a lot, two rounds at least to begin the night.

i think the aftercare laito can offer are just two opcions, either way he just cuddle you and both of you take naps, or he can run a bath for both of you but that will only lead to another round in the shower.

and this man is hungry for you, like he literally wants to be under your skin all day, and your pants too.

── more of my content here!

[v4mp-reads]

Hello. I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year. I would like to request a Rhea X Pregnant Reader where reader is due in 3 weeks ( and with Twin babygirls if possible) and is backstage watching The Judgement Day open the show before getting up and walking to get something to eat before getting confronted by Karrion Kross and Scarlett who end up scaring her and sending the reader into early labor. If you can't thats perfectly fine. Thanks and Have a Great Day

Twist and turns

Rhea Ripley x prego!fem! Reader

Tw: struggles with Ivf problems, many failed attempts at pregnancy! Early labor! Small pregnancy complications

word count: 1.3k

Y/n’s pov

I sit in the judgment day locker room alone to say, this is the first time in 9 months I’ve sat in here alone, but no one could sit in because they had a big promo they had to do. I hold my stomach feeling my baby’s move around, I’m so excited to meet them, they are going to be welcomed into such a lovely family. I thought as my mind drifted off to the years before. Me and Rhea got married when we where both 21, that was almost three years ago, this has been a very long possess, i sat up countless nights crying because we picked up yet another negative test, this whent on for about two years until the day i remember it like it was yesterday.

Flash back

Me and rhea sit in our bathroom floor, “darling..you know if this test comes back negative we will have to wait at least six months before starting all of this over” she looked up at me as we wait for the five minutes to past “dont think like that baby. I have a felling this time” i whispered softly, smiling at her, i move from the tolet to her on the floor as she holds me. “Beep! Beep! “ the alarm had whent off, rhea whent to grab the test off the counter when it falls off onto the floor, i glance down at it to see two lines, TWO LINES! I instantly began to cry tears of pure happyness “Rhea! Its postive! We are having a Baby!!” She jumps up picking me up and spinning me around kissing me like a million times, we where so happy, this was actually happening. We stayed in the bathroom for about half our just crying with happiness. Soon we walked back to our room and called the judgment day group chat. They knew today was the day I was supposed to take my test, and we called them every time even when it was negative, we tryed to hide the smile on our faces. Dom was the first to pick up, we waited for the others to join before saying anything. “Hey y/n hi rhea what’s it say?” Finn asked in a soft tone not wanting to hurt us anymore if it was negative. I couldn’t help but smile and that’s when damien caught on “oh my god!! Wait?!” He said loudly over the phone the other two boys looked so confused. “A little baby Ripley is on the way!” I yelled. They all cheered, dom even started crying with me, “oh my god I’m so happy!” I cryed into Rheas shoulder. It was the best day of my life.

End of flash back

In three weeks I get to meet my little girls, three weeks, every thing is planed perfectly, Rheas family is flying out in two weeks, Rhea and the rest of the judgment day are getting a month off in two weeks, I’m just so happy, all this excitement made me really hungry, and I was out of snacks in the locker room. I know I’m not supposed to leave the locker room that was everyone’s rule the second they found out, just because people would bother me to get at the others

I started to feel sick so I needed to get up and get some food, I got up putting on rheas hoodie before walking out of the locker room, no one was really out, so I made my way to the where I know they had food.

I must have made some turn the wrong way because now I find myself in some random hallways that’s kind of scary, I get this wave of anxiety come over me and I feel like I’m being followed so I continue to walk faster, eight almost nine months pregnant with twins, it isn’t easy to walk fast, I quickly realize that I have to turn around this hallways was a dead end. I turn around and instantly get met with karrian cross and his girlfriend or what not Scarlett, “um..” I say softly “miss little y/n Ripley, how are you and your little baby’s doing” karrian reached out to touch my stomach, I quickly stepped back “please don’t touch me” I said fear clearly in my voice “don’t tell me what to do Mrs. Ripley, I will touch you if I want!” He reached out once more this time I backed up and I ended up cornered, “please leave me alone, I don’t want any problems” I start to panic “please, please don’t hurt me or my baby’s, they are innocent, they are pure” I begged. I started feeling horrible pains in my stomach, and I panicked “Mhmm, I don’t know, I don’t know how innocent they are, saying how long it took you to get pregnant with them, what was it I heard? Two years?and you have struggled your whole pregnancy” Scarlett spoke, tears came rushing out from my eyes “please! Leave me alone!” I yell the pain in my stomach becoming almost unbearable. “Hey?!” I hear someone yell, “what the fuck leave her alone” I look up to see one of my close friends Sami zayn. That’s all I really before I passed out.

“Is she okay, are my girls okay?!” I hear yelling as I wake up to see a bright light in my eyes.. “R-rhea..?” I mumble out, instantly her head shoots over to beside my head, “oh my god, your okay, darling, what happed! Why where you in that hallways, why did you leave the lockeroom?” She questioned me, “are the girls okay?” I asked simply, “maam, you are in late stage, early labor, we are transferring you to the hospital, where you should be able to deliver with mild complications.” All I could feel was the pain, from what I was guessing was contractions, it made my head spin. Rhea held my hand as I cryed out in pain as we made our way to the hospital.

We soon made it to the hospital, where I had to be taken in for emergency cessation surgery, i remember waking up to rhea hold our two little girls in both of her arms when I finally woke up. “How are they..”I asked weakly “healthy and absolutely beautiful..just like their mother”she said before carefully handing me the girls “Athena, she’s the one with the darker hair..and Kyra she’s the one with the birth mark on her cheek” Rhea said before kissing me “I love you, I love you three so much” I said softly. “If it’s okay, the boys want to come over in a bit, dom tried to force them to let him come in right after the delivery.” She said softly “of course our girls need to meet their uncles, what about your parents?” I asked her “they are heading down tomorrow” she said.

I slid over in bed as I laid there with rhea and my girls, all three of them sound asleep, it was so peaceful, well that was until the boys got there, dom come rushing through the door, almost tripping when he got in causing Rhea to wake up. “Good going dom dom” I joked and gave him a weak smile, to which he returned with tears in his eyes “why are you crying dom?” I asked “I was just so worried about you, I haven’t slept. I’ve texted rhea and the boys all day, and I just couldn’t wait to meet my nieces when rhea told me that you guys where healthy” he rambled on before Finn stopped him “don’t talk the poor girls ear off”, they all walked closer seeing the two small baby’s in my arms, them asking their names, and us continuing talking, they stayed there for about two hours before leaving because I was tired.

The end! Thanks for reading! If you liked it please leave a request of your own!

Xoxo, v4mp-

[sukiipjs]

✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

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↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

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nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

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i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

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weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

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i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

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after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

[quailxcrossing]

SNIFFLES AT YOU hiii i just saw your oc ask thing i am rubbing my little hands together like a fly im gonna copy and paste these emojis i hope they dont break lol 🌠 Leah ☀️ Imogen 🌙 Maiceo 🌒 Maiceo again if thats allowed 🌔 Auï ⭐ Fracture 🌟 Evie 🌙 Esperanza

HELLO!!!!!! :3c

🌠 - What is your OC’s greatest desire and how far are they willing to go to obtain it? 

Leah just wants to be happy and chill, man. she's actually quite wayward right now; her life sorta got uprooted and her habits got switched up on her. she isn't sure what she wants right now either...neither would she be certain how far she would be willing to go. right now, just moving through the motions of life is enough...she's def a character who went through a lot and now she's just trying to pick up her life again. i suppose that is a desire of its own!

☀️ - How well does your OC deal with isolation? 

Imogen deals with it BAD she deals with it really bad. she hates being alone she hates people leaving her she hates the idea of being by herself and having no one around and having no one to talk to!! she is constantly seeking her dads or her dad's friends out to speak to, she needs reassurance, she needs people.....

🌙 - If given the chance, what is one thing about their life your OC would change permanently?  BARKS.

Maiceo would change their card, thus changing their position as the Hierophant. this is a desire that Maiceo has that is so deep that Maiceo doesn't even realize they have it, it is so ingrained in how they think and behave, yet so deeply ANTITHETICAL to their entire mental structure that them realizing they would want to do this would break them completely :P :3 being the Hierophant is all they know and all they ever think they could be, and to wish it away is so against what the Hierophant represents, but oh how badly they do wish they were anyone else.

if given the chance, Esperanza would go back and redo her actions which lead to her survival and revival. she would do this to give back a life to her friend, who she believes deserves it more than she does. maybe doing this would finally smother her guilt

🌒 - Under what circumstances is your OC their most genuine self? 

This really made me think "does Maiceo really have a genuine self anymore?" but i think I just realized Maiceo's genuine self is just rather unpleasant. standoffish, invasive, living on a hair trigger, paranoid, stressed, self-flagellating, miserable- Maiceo is all of these things quite often. always, even. Maiceo has a second genuine self, but I want to stress this one does not make the first any less real. Maiceo's FALSE self- the self-important, smug, professional Hierophant- THAT is a mask. Maiceo's second genuine self is similar to the first, although it is also thoughtful, inquisitive, considerate, awkward, and dramatic. this side of Maiceo only comes out in tiny slices when it can be alone with Georgiana, which is not often, or occasionally when around Esperanza, although she often gets the Hierophant mask. Maiceo tries to keep Esperanza away from the first Maiceo. They tried the same for Georgiana, but they had a way to make Maiceo break down (this used to be a good thing, but became sour over the years)

sorry i just. fucking looove Maiceo its horrible how much i love maiceo its ruining everything

🌔 - Does your OC take well to intimacy or are they pricklier than a cactus? 

Auï loves intimacy, he is highly affectionate!!! he does give a bit of a front he's prickly, but i think thats just. in comparison to Goat. Goat makes Auï look like he hates smiles and rainbows and kittens. but Goat is not a fair comparison. Auï is just a very sweet guy who is very lovey to all of his friends, he loves to give gifts and is incredibly thoughtful about his choices and he pays a lot of attention to those around him! he loves snuggling too, touch is his main love language (which i remember so fondly makes my friend SO mad at me, because i took touching others away from him for years, but thats just the story idk...)

⭐ - What do people assume about your OC? Do they question the quality of their character?  WITH TURRIE THIS IS SO EASY. BECAUSE PEOPLE ASSUME SHIT ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME

she is just a little gal. i know this. but i think on first glance, in real life and in the story, a lot of people assume "oh she's the little sunshine of the group" or WORSE "oh she's the mom friend" she's NOT there is not Mom Friend these people are UNPARENTED (honestly if anyone, Auï is the closest, but he's more of the Older Brother Friend) Turrie is not the mom and she is not tiny and sweet and innocent, she's terrified of everything so she locks into people-pleaser mode but deep down she's a highly competitive med student who signed up to do experiments on a human test subject and only freaked out when she was already in so deep and she feared for her life and that FUCKED HER UP.

sorry i have so many thoughts about how Turrie is portrayed, but i love it bc everyone is falling for her trap

🌟 - What is your OC’s drive to action, their call to adventure? 

Evie's call to action is kinda just what the ask said honestly! she is very called to adventure! she idolizes travellers and brave knights and monsterhunters and she wants more than being confined to the Pewter City! she wants to protect her best friend as she goes on her own journey, and she wants to see the world!!!!! please please let her out of here!!!!! she wants to touch grass, she's never seen it before

[bridgyrose]

Hey Bridgey, literally all I want is (White Rose) Weiss having a sudden growth spurt and ending up about as tall as Winter, and Ruby realising she's now the shortest of her team... again... (anything else you can do whatever, I'm just emotionally craving that)

(Unfortunately for you, Weiss has never been taller than Ruby without heels)

“See? I told you I’d get taller than you one day.” 

Ruby paused for a moment when she realized she had to look up at Weiss, not quite sure when she managed to get a few inches taller. “Y-yeah, I can see that. When… when did that happen?” 

Weiss shrugged a bit. “I dont think I ever really paid attention. Guess I ended up with a late growth spurt.” 

“Seems like it…” Ruby sighed for a moment as she looked over Weiss, not sure how much she believed her. It had only been a couple years since they graduated Beacon, so it wasnt too likely that it was just a late growth spurt, especially with having been on missions with her over the last couple years, and she never did seem taller. 

“Though, it shouldnt matter much. I’m just glad I dont need to wear heels anymore to not look like a child.” 

Ruby chuckled a bit. “People thought you were a child? I thought your attitude would’ve made them think otherwise.” 

Weiss rolled her eyes. “You’d be surprised what people would think. Still, we should get going on our mission and not dally too much.” 

Ruby nodded and followed Weiss, still focused on how much taller that she had gotten. Though, she still wasnt sure why she was so focused on her height, it wasnt like she was bothered being shorter than most of her team anyway, but seeing Weiss taller than her started to make her feel self conscious. It was a strange feeling, one that she hadnt felt since she had started transitioning the year before she made it into Beacon. And yet, here she was, once again comparing herself to someone that she had a crush on and feeling… not quite herself. 

“Everything okay, Ruby?” Weiss asked as they walked. “You seem quieter than you normally are.” 

“I-I’m fine, really, I uh-” Ruby sighed and looked away. “How did you really get so tall?” 

“It was just a growth spurt-” 

“You’re just as tall as Yang now! How did you do that so quickly?” 

“Because I lied about my age!” 

Ruby stopped in her tracks and looked at Weiss curiously. “You… lied about your age?” 

“Well, not… me, but father…” Weiss sighed and found a stump to sit on. “After Winter ended up going off to Atlas, father wanted to make sure he had an heir ready, but I… I was still a bit too young. Then, he lied about my age to get me into school quicker. When I entered Beacon, I was fifteen, just like you.” 

“You… you were?” Ruby leaned against a tree, almost too surprised to realize how angry she was from the couple years of being treated like a child by her. A grudge she didnt realize she’d been carrying. “Then why did you keep treating me like you did when we first came to Beacon?”

“Because I… I couldnt… I wanted to tell the truth, but I needed to act like an adult for father and I couldnt let anyone know that I was younger than everyone… and if I admitted that I was a child like you, then-” 

“Then what? You thought we’d be angry?” 

“-you’d treat me… different.” 

Ruby paused for a moment when she saw Weiss look genuinely scared, not at all like a woman who knew exactly what she wanted. Nervous like she was when she first came to Beacon, still young and coming into who she was supposed to be. “We wouldn’t have.” 

Weiss looked up at her. “You would’ve-” 

“We would have treated you like a friend.” Ruby moved to sit down next to Weiss, leaning against her. “And… it would’ve been nice to know that there was someone my age on our team as well. Then maybe we both could’ve felt less alone.” 

“That… that would’ve been nice.” 

“But no more secrets, okay?” Ruby asked with a smile, standing up and offering a hand to Weiss. “Though, we should get back to our mission.” 

Weiss nodded and took Ruby’s hand. “No more secrets.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

[artdcnaldson]

just saw that ask abt dad patrick………. much to think about. i agree that he prob would never want to be a dad. but….. let me share to you my secret brain au……. that i think about on the clock when im bored as fuck 😝

you… art… patrick… (sorry tashi i love u i swear….) mayb this is the same au where ur all best friends in school etc etc. maybe not. but ANYWAYS. the throuple…….. you and art end up having a baby. patrick’s perfectly fine just being uncle pat. or. like the weird guy who hangs around all the time. same thing. you like, say that it can be like. art is dad patrick’s papa or SOMETHING yk… like you love them both patrick’s gonna be around forever anyways why not just. have them both be referred to as dad. patrick isn’t super fond of the idea so you drop it whatever. ANYWAYS flash forward to a few weeks after the baby is born. patrick has been so like 😐 about the baby. kinda jealous annoyed etc cause he’s 12. it’s fine. whatever.

anyways sorry let me fucking GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!! you and art wake up one night kinda ?!? cause you hear talking on the baby monitor. and then you realize patrick’s not in the bed. you dont even remember hearing the baby cry or him getting up or anything cuz ur both. new parents. and patrick’s surprisingly helped a lot but. it’s not the same. WHATEVER i keep getting off track. u guys hear patrick cooing at your new little baby girl telling her that he loves her she’s lucky she has such good parents etc… turning on the video part u see him rocking her in the little chair you guys have in there. he’s so fascinated by her. he still doesn’t really… like the idea of being a dad or have any interest in it or whatevs but. a baby made by his two favorite people. he has to cry

sorry this was a fucking ESSAY!!!!!!!!! take me out back and shoot me i can’t do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

This had to cook in my inbox, had to simmer. I’m trying to go back and answer asks that have been sitting in my inbox that I meant to get back to <3 sorry for the delay babe <3

Sigh <333 uncle pat being the best pseudo-parent to you and art’s baby… after an adjustment period. Because for like that first month you and Art don’t have time for him, it’s like he’s being kicked to the side, discarded for the second time in his life. And he’s fucking sensitive about it, you know?

You and Art made him quit smoking when you got pregnant, which he understood. He hated it, but he understood, and he wasn’t going to vape like a fucking loser, so he’s irritable with it. A sixteen year habit culled painfully at the root. He hears the baby screaming and crying and just wants to go outside and smoke, wants to run away from it all.

It’s three in the morning when the baby crying wakes him up. He squints, reads his alarm clock, and groans. He glances over at you and Patrick, completely knocked out by exhaustion. He doesn’t want to bother you, doesn’t want you to have to wake up and go through the motions again. So he gets up and slips into the baby’s room.

She eases into his arms, quickly growing soothed in a comforting pair of arms, and he hushes her softly. He hasn’t been alone with her, not much. Just a sort of double-down instinct after you had suggested he get called dad by her too. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but it just makes him feel like a fraud. He spends a lot of time with you and Art feeling like he’s one wrong move from being out on his own. He didn’t want a kid relying on him when he knew he’d eventually fuck everything up.

“You just had a bad dream, huh?” Patrick coos softly. He kisses the baby’s soft, bald-ish head, takes a deep breath. He didn’t really get why you and Art were always smelling her hair, but he understands then. “Your dad used to have bad dreams too. Really bad dreams, but I was always there. I’ll be there for you too, alright? For anything you’ll ever need. No matter what.”

He settles into the plush rocking chair in the corner, holds her against his chest and rubs her back. Her eyes close, she nuzzles against him. She’s so beautiful. Usually, all babies look the same to him, but he can see you so clearly in her mouth, her eyes. And Art in her ears and nose. “You’re really lucky,” he says softly. He presses a kiss to her forehead. “You have such good parents, they’re really exhausted right now because you never sleep, but they’re doing so good, huh?”

She falls asleep in his arms, and he decides he’s never going to leave the chair. He kisses the top of her head and lets his lips twitch in a achy sort of smile. “We love you, kid.”

In the morning, once he’s placed her back in the crib and returns to bed, you and Art hold him a little closer.

[superemeralds]

How do you tend to go about writing fanfiction? Like do you have a lot of outline or any other interesting things about your processed you could share?

my process is kinda all over the place, just like my brain haha. what i do to help myself not get lost in all that is having a strict rule where before i start writing teh actual prose, i need to have at least a bulletpoint outline of the major events that need to happen in the story. this helps me know what i'm working towards, instead of being lost and eventually paralyzed when I run out of ideas of how to proceed OR (and that happens way more often than having no ideas) i have TOO MANY ideas and i can't decide where to go.

for my black arms maria fic for example i had a rough outline that looked a little like this: (under cut for spoilers, click here if u want to read it first; warning for body horror and blood and gross things (tho very mild if im honest))

5 chapters, each about a stage of a star CH1: how maria gets to go on the ark, roots of her issues, basically where the seeds are sown for the inevitable explosion in the end, how the aliens come into play CH2: the introduction of shadow and the black arms DNA, maria's loathing, innocent little girl corruption arc, she pushes shadow away VS he is taken away and she wants him back, her mental state starts to crack CH3: how it came to the ark raid: maria hides her mutations, parallels to her relationship with shadow, her mental state corrupting with the mutaions, "bloody nose" by the used, black arms hivemind link: black doom talks to her, superiority inferiority complex: she plans to kill shadow CH4: her alone with her mutations, many years spent plotting, biolizard, how gerald is involved and how it fits into sa2 plot CH5: sa2 rewritten to fit the premise, lots of shadows perspective

(as u see i have mentioned a song; making a playlist also helps me a ton bc i vibe a lot to music and it inspires me a lot! It helps that i naturally always arrange playlists in chronological order of a story...)

after i have somehting like that i can start doing more detailed outlines. i dont have the ones for the early chapters anymore but this is what ch4 looked like (i use colored text to make it stand out next to written paragraphs that i will do right above the notes):

This chapter maria wakes up and realizes shes not dead.  shes in despair, trying to move but she CANT. at least not much. the stress knocking her out for a few months. she can at least crawl closer to the core reactor. spends 7 years just lying there and regenerating > when she finally can get up she frantically looks for info on the ark. and gerald and shadow (After a few months she finally managed to find a rhythm for physical activity in between studying notes and files, and heading to the dark chamber for a new lizard's tail. Her condition improved with more nutrition, but she did feel herself becoming unstable, nose bleeds increased.

[Maria gets visions of black arms as she mutates more and more] she trashes the place Her hivemind link is what makes her grow increasingly craving murder and total destruction. I mean she already does bc of finding out dirty dirty secrets about the ark it just increases to 9000)

(She starts growing a long tail and she despairs when she sees herself in the mirror, looking exactly as she saw in her vision years and years ago, turning into the monster she feared (She plots her ultimate plan. Understanding how the ark works, how chaos energy works. Finishing the eclipse canon. [Thinking about how to get shadow to do what she wants. Knowing he was in cryo shortly after his trauma it would be impossible to reason with him, not immediately at least. Not if it was her. Knowing she herself was deeply fueled by rage, hatred, disappointment and despair…. The same emotions would fuel shadow greatly. She saw what he was capable of, she knew what *she* was capable of. Geralds message would only need slight alterations since her own plans came pretty close (???) Some boffoon that shared their family name was wreaking havok on the planet, trying to turn it into metal. She had to admit it was a more noble plan of destruction than her own. (???) Maybe. Cut? When gerald is interogated by gun on the weapon he made bc they found it, he puts on a show, saying shadow is dangerous and needs to be contained. He is the only one who knows how to, before it is too late. This is how shadow ends up in cryo and why the password is maria. Why would gun use maria as password like cmon. Anyway this is also how he smuggled a small video into shadows pod where when he wakes up he will be introduced to the plan. During his execution he choses his last words carefully, leaving an encoded message for maria when she wakes up. Maria, at first, doesn't get the code. Shes just confused and spends a long while just learning more abt the ark. But ahe watches the video often just to have like. Company? She herself grows more and more angry with everything so when she notices the code and learns abt the plan. Shes on board. Sure. Lets fucking go. ] she studies the ark, she studies geralds notes on shadow, she studies all data on black arms she can get her hands on all while doing that she STILL gets that stupid dream. she still gets visions, especially when reading their language She makes her plans to kill the world. chapter ends with her sending eggman an encoded message that he won’t be able to resist cracking

as u can tell not all of it made it into the chapter but that was just me thinking "aloud" about all the stuff that had to do w the chapters main premise. the original outline was short and vague enough to give me freedom to think but constricted enough to not let me wander off into making up completely random new stuff!

idk if this helps, but this is how i write nowadays and it works well for me :] im finally finishing things instead of abandoning them!

[adoredmarigold]

Questions!! Yay!!!!!! I've got a lot to ask about, I'm sorry

1. What are your favorite ships other than david and lingard (tbh in some way that ship reminds me of kirk x bones, not sure if youre into star trek tho xd)

2. Ava or Tripp?

3. Favorite S2 characters? Do you have any S2 ships?

4. What do you think are the best possible and your favorite endings of S2, S3 and S4??

5. And of course, I wanted to ask, whats your opinion on Bonnie.

I feel like I've been asking you some questions before but I dont remember excstly what it waasszzzzzzddsdszs if I already asked some of these questions IM SO SORRY but I cant say no to asking twdg questions

hello :) 1. VIOLENTINE!!!! It's such a lovely ship I will defend it with my life, istg Violentine haters have yet to bring up a valid point as to why they don't like it. I have some crack ships like Eleanor x Kate or Eleanor x Ava, I don't have much to say about them I'm just gay and wanna ship my girls together lmao. hmmm, I've been seeing some Mark x Lee stuff to and that looks pretty cute. Ermmm this is making me realize I actually don't ship much in twdg lmao, I guess I also ship Clouis and Gabentine Clouis is sweet and has good moments but I just don't find them as compelling as Violentine (sorry Clouis shippers). As for Gabentine I guess I would say I ship it, but more so in a "first crush/puppy love" kinda of way, The relationship never becomes anything serious they're just kids with a crush on each other and honestly I don't need them to become anything more than that. aaaannnd I know nothing about Star Trek but you're gonna make me look into Kirk x Bones now, thanks. 2. Well if we're just talking about the characters in general then Ava, she's so underrated imo. BUT, if we're talking about whether I choose to "save" Tripp or Ava during the execution, I always choose to let Tripp live. I'd rather have Ava die here than get that stupid fucking death she gets in ep 5, Tripps death in ep 5 is a lot better cinematically and writing-wise. 3. Sarah :) She's been my fav season 2 character since the season first came out and I will never forgive the writers/fandom at the time for how they treated her, SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. As for ships I guess I don't really have any for season 2, I mean Alvin x Rebecca I suppose though I'm not particularly invested in either character. Never been a Nick x Luke fan, I get the appeal but it ain't for me. 4. I can't really say which ending for each season is the best cause it's all pretty subjective, but I will give you my favs :) I guess I don't really have a fav ending for season 2? I choose the alone ending each time just cause I can't deal with Jane and Kenny's bs, don't hate either character but Clem doesn't deserve to put up with their bullshit anymore, she's the main character it's fine let's just ignore the logistics of an 11-year-old going off alone with a newborn. I also like the Wellington ending alot though! Not only because it's the best location for Clem and AJ to end up at but it also gives a satisfying conclusion to Kenny's character imo. Kenny spent all of season 2 trying to keep Clem and in the end AJ by his side for ultimately selfish reasons and he became extremely violent and unhinged in the process. So to see Kenny finally be selfless and be willing to give them both up to ensure their health and safety really redeems him for me. Kenny loves Clem and AJ but I really don't think he's fit to take care of them, this is the best possible Kenny ending for me. 5. Bonnies cool. It's been awhile since I've played season 2 and 400 days so I am in a desperate refresh of her character, but from what I remember she was interesting. I def think the fandom goes WAY too hard on hating her, from what I remember she's not really any worse or better than any of the other adults in season 2, she's extremely flawed but hell who isn't in The Walking Dead. I get being frustrated with her but the lengths people go to shit all over her character is kinda insane to me. So overall I guess I don't have much of a strong opinion on Bonnie, she's an interesting character with alot of flaws but I don't think she's evil or cruel. I hope her and Mike where able to get away and join a community or something. Also, I distinctly remember her being my fav 400 Days character and having a crush on her when I was a kid lmao. wowie okay that's all I gotta say, and don't worry you're all good! If you (or anybody really) send me a question and I don't reply it's probably just cause I forgot to or I'm stumped on what to say. CRIES

[swiftfootedachilles]

Hi! You asked for an ask and I’m always down to ask so…do you have any headcanons about Mickey’s time in Mexico?

wow you managed to ask me about the only thing of this show that i HAVENT rlly thought about so hats off to you

uhhhh okay first, PRE-MEXICO. i think mickey broke out in the first place because he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him. i think if ian didnt break up with him and dedicated himself to being a prison boyfriend (?) mickey wouldve stayed in. (i also think he wouldve found a skeevy defense lawyer who owes the milkoviches some debts and appealed his conviction bc lets be honest its total bullshit that he got locked away just based off sammi's unreliable testimony. like where the fuck was debby to lie under oath and say mickey was with her the whole time and she saw sammi take more pills than usual and go outside to move things. sorry im losing the plot this is NOT the time to discuss my s6 rewrite.) mikey haf absolutely no reason to stay in prison, stay in chicago, so i think after nearly 2 years of no visits from ian he just gave the fuck up. why not try to escape? hes smart, he can conjure up a decent plan, right? worst case scenario he goes back to prison, which didnt really fucking matter to him bc he was in prison anyway and he just. didnt care anymore.

so, he broke out and contacted ian ina last-ditch effort to get the love of his life back. he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him, but at the docks hes obviously still shocked to hear ian moved on fast enough to have a boyfriend already. then ian agreed to go to mexico and mickey was SO READY to start LIVING HIS LIFE. he thought that would be IT. him and his lover in mexico at the beach, getting away from all the bad memories of chicago and having a place to START OVER!!! then ian changed his mind last minute and mickey was fucking CRUSHED. AGAIN. and all of a sudden now hes in mexico alone and all his previous plans went out the fucking window because he totally didnt spend the past few days rearranging his plans to revolve around ian being with him.

i dont really think a lot about mickey's time in mexico. i think he was sad. i think he was angry. i think he just did what he could to stay alive and try to move on but he never really didnt. i think he kept his head low and did his job in the cartel and tried to learn spanish but it was too fucking hard so he gave up on that pretty quickly and attached himself to the multilingual members of the gang. i definitely dont think he had a boyfriend. im sure he fucked around with other guys, but i also think he spent more time laying in his shitty apartment that he shared with like 4 other guys trying not to cry too loud thinking about what could have been.

i also dont think he worked for el chapo lmfao sorry to anyone who thinks that but the timeline doesnt even line up. and if he somehow did have a part in taking down el chapo he wouldve been put in witness protection. he probably wouldve gotten killed anyway tho

my dumb ass didnt realize he got a new tattoo until like deep into s10 and i gaslit myself into thinking it was always there LMFAO but i love that he got another tattoo there. i like to think this one was with a clean needle. i dont think this happened in canon, but MY mickey wouldve gotten a tongue piercing! perhaps other ones too. a couple other tattoos, a cartilage piercing, an eyebrow, his nipples. idk. just to change his appearance more. yeah. thats. the only reason.

anyway i think he got back into the US by working with an undercover cop and being a part of a pre-planned drug bust that included him being "arrested" and making it seem like he got extradited to the US only for being wanted. if he wouldve just waltzed into a precinct and said "hey i got dirt on this cartel" his as wouldve been killed so quickly. it needed to be a lot more covert so the other members didnt catch on and get rid of him. i do think eventually they probably figured out he was the anonymous witness whose interviewed were used in trial, which is why when he gets released in s10 the CO tells him the cartel is looking for him. sorry im going all Law & Order here talking about a s6 trial and now a trial against the cartel i need to stop

[pink-tiled-bathroom]

where the light doesn't reach, 23/10/2024, 14:24

i can feel the white noise begin in my mouth, static pinpoints leaking down my throat

the same way it spreads across the insides of my cheeks before i vomit. 

i remember when the gas prices stilled between $2.30 and $2.50

and as the bus lulls on its late night passage between work and home

it pauses by a gas station where the sign is burnt out and just reads $3. 9

who is there for the martyrs?, who is there for god,

when they are the ones who give? 

do they spend their late nights alone, clutching a bottle of whiskey between calloused palms and bloody fingertips,

praying to someone above them to make them feel less alone in their pain? or to end it completely?

my mother looked me in the eyes once while asking me for a glass of wine and told me

that i was only born to serve. born to give. never to feel anything besides giving every fibre of my living to anyone who asks for it. 

how is a daughter to live with the weight of being born only to give every part of her away until she rots? that she is undeserving of anything but the chisel?

i feel that this is some sort of convoluted convocation of being a mother’s daughter. 

the nights have gotten cold again. i dont sleep much anymore--the shadows whisper broken cries of shortcomings

and i can smell the copper-ferrous carmine lingering on their chapped lips from my own cold-sweat soaked sheets where i lay (alone, terrified).

i am the deer on the side of the highway, softly lulling between seeing what the people with guns call “god”, and the blinding afterlight of my blood on the asphalt,

the night sky cradles my half-alive body and the starlight looks like broken glass. the stars reflect onto each other like gemstones,

murmuring all the dreams ive had since I was six years old. i pretend everything isn't a metaphor for grief,

i pretend i am still unborn, before i was told no god would return my purity. i repine in the realization that i won't ever be able to go back.

i've lost the ability to tell whether the lump in my throat is some hopeless feat at self sabotage or the smoke in my lungs coming up to choke me,

most times its the former though every time i pray its the latter. the trains blare night in and night out with the cries of crimson on the rails.

sometimes i wish it was me. the only thing that lets me rest at the unholy hours of dawn is romanticizing

a horrid and gory suicide, legs splayed across the gravel, torso mangled, skull crushed in glass shards,

the front of the train now having all it takes to be human (blood, skin, flesh, bone, heat, and nothing inside you but lost dreams).

no epilogue, no note; only the fog hanging heavy over my carcass, ululating all the broken promises once made through gritted teeth.

there is a god just mortal enough to look human. she breathes the color of all my sins, slurring morning dew with crimson brume--

and i repent in the early hours of morning, knowing i fell from the golden light for abandoning god's faith. gabriel will lower his trumpet when i visit him again.

i am a better wound than i am person; my hands have always been blackened with contrition.

if you were to read my name aloud, it would spell out sacrifice, in its most grotesque form. strident, mangled, like knuckles torn to shreds.

there exists within my chest a desire to be wanted-- fervently, earnestly, to be devoured whole until my wounds exsanguinate;

but alas, grief fills october’s empty lungs like kerosene, and i wait around the corner like a mutt.

at my core, i exist as nothing more than a beaten dog. i will wait for you, even if it is not what i want. i know nothing else but waiting for the whip to crack,

tearing into the already blue-black flesh barely hanging onto my bones, spattering vermillion onto the tile like sunlight. every welt feels like home.

at some sentient part of my canine head i want you to drown in the guilt of the blood on your hands. i will bark and bite, but i will never speak.

i wonder if god looks down upon the fallen angels and wishes them well, because he too feels guilty.

[nereidprinc3ss]

your struggles make this random stranger on the internet so seen 😭😭😭 anxiety is truly such a bitch like why the fuck am i being so dramatic? I really really dont want to tell you what to do but it sounds like you would benefit from some time off from study because we all deserve to live a life we enjoy (yuck i do not know how to make this sound less preachy sam i apologise) Its a terrifying prospect and i hope i'm not overstepping or confusing you ahah but know that you are not alone in anxiety taking over and making us think the worst outcomes are set in stone. I struggled so much with all or nothing thinking last year and since making some very needed lifestyle changes i've really realised how fun life can actually be, even when working and studying full time. Whatever happens, we've got this, and just know you have an amazing community who will support you and are confident in your ability to suceed at whatever you choose.

Hello beautiful my response below the cut

Thank you so much that actually made me feel a lot better. I just have this like profound fear of being left behind in the sense that people my age might graduate sooner than me or have their shit figured out sooner idk. Idk if that’s the adhd which I guess is technically a developmental disorder or the whole thing where genuinely I was conditioned to believe I was so much smarter and better than kids my age and so ahead of the curve and now that I’m not idk what to do with myself and I feel like a complete failure for not being exceptional anymore (I am actually have a very spencer-reid-turning-30-and-losing-his-identity-as-the-special-unique-gifted-kid style breakdown although obviously I was not nearly as exceptional as he was) like I just want to keep up with my friends so bad and part of me still wants to be ahead of people my age but at the VERY LEAST I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP UP but idk maybe that’s just not how my brain works and maybe that’s ok it just doesn’t feel ok yk

But anyway despite all that your message actually genuinely did help, I do think a bit of time away from school might give me a little bit of needed perspective and might help me realize that life is not going to end if I’m not in school even for just a quarter so thank you

[armslikeanchors]

my first meal today is breakfast cereal at 1:00pm

im looking at this picture and reflecting after a short text convo with my best friend after 3 days of silence on her side

she’s pictured here

took this photo when i went on a solo trip to oakland california to visit her for a couple days, im surprised my mom let me take the plane by myself

i actually really love the airport and plane trips. it was my first time going by myself and it was a bit daunting but, i really love being alone sometimes

it felt natural, i felt grown, in a good way

anyways i took this photo while on a walk with her and her mom at a botanical garden-park in san fran, if i remember correctly

3 months after this we would have a falling out over something miniscule, which we overcame a bit over a month ago this year; i’ll get into it in a bit

sam, my best friend, and i had been inseparable since the day we met in 2nd grade

by the end of the school year she moved back to california, but we kept in contact: playing minecraft on our ps3s while on a skype call

simple times

every year we would meet up maybe once or twice for a day or two since then

in october of 2023 she got upset at me over a text i sent her regarding a festival we wanted to go to

i told her that i had a couple friends going to the festival and that i hope she wouldnt mind if i was really invested in spending time with them, since i had never hung out with them before

it was never meant in the way she took it, but the damage was done

i guess she felt i wouldnt make her feel included

which i wish she knew wasn’t true

she can be dramatic at times. growing up together shes always been like that and, in a way, i admired it because it was silly. it was raw, and she would apologize and own up to any little thing she did.

i dont tell her or her mom often but, ive truly always believed that her mom really raised her well. ive always supported sam through everything and i know she’ll make the life she dreams of

anyway to the reflecting:

i texted her i believe early august (i tried looking for the message but they wont load)

and apologized that what i said came off as rude but that it wasnt intended to be that way

she apologized too for taking it the wrong way and we admitted to each other that things have been hard and that our friendship-breakup had been eating away at us since then

the whole time i believed she was over me and didnt care, as i fall victim to overthinking and drawing conclusions (though i have learnt since then that things arent always worst-case scenario)

she visited me in august and we spent a day together (sleepover, junk food, movies and all) and we caught each other up on everything that had happened since october in the mall food court

i was annoyingly loud about things since i get heated over certain topics but, in the moment, i didnt care if i made a fool of myself in front of everyone there because i was just glad to have my best friend back

cut to today and ive realized that since our hangout, she hasnt been talking to me much. i get it though because shes starting college and met the sweetest boy, and im proud of her

im just afraid that we’ve grown too different.

its one of those cliche moments where one friend gets in a relationship and does things in life and the other one is sitting, waiting for a text back

it feels kind of pathetic but im trying not to let it get to me

i dont know,

the day we hung out was really nice but i get this gut feeling with people thats nearly always, unfortunately, true

in which

we’ve grown so different it seems they’re not the same person anymore

i dont know if shes truly my best friend anymore, yknow

shes made several friends since our falling out, friends that she does activities her and i would do when we got to meet up

even trips together like we did !! which is really cool !

anyway, ill love her forever but, the distance was so long and the taste of it all was so bitter i dont know if theres hope for recover anymore

i tell my friends: losing someone in your life makes space for people you never knew could make life feel worth living

maybe that’s what’s happening

the scary part is that only time will tell

but thats okay, here i am