#outside of the shit show that is ezra miller

[lyriumsings]

there are no words for how hard i hope the flash tanks i hope it tanks harder than shazam 2 i hope it makes morbius look like a blockbuster

[bonezone44]

but pervy roller derby coach joel and seasoned derby girl fucking in joels truck after a bout when ezra finds them with the windows all fogged up… ofc he joins in

You fucking know it!

Roller Derby Coach!Joel Miller x F!Reader x Boyfriend!Ezra

tags: unprotected p-in-v, double creampie, Ezra and Joel being spiteful towards one another. praise, degredation, use of the word "whore" but in a sexy way

--

He wanted to offer you a personal congratulations after helping your Jammer get point after point, resulting in your team's win. 157 to 163. It was a close one and your offense is what made the difference. Joel lost count of how many times you knocked the opposing Jammer off the track, running them back and killing their spirit. He's surprised you still have any energy left after all that work.

But here you are in his truck with him, bouncing on his cock like it's nothing. You got nothing on but your sports bra and youre soaked in sweat with your gear airing out in his flat bed.

Then Ezra’s wandering around the parking lot outside the rink, wondering where the hell you are because there's an after party to go to. And he already smoked a couple joints with the referees, and you still hadn't appeared. Then he sees the foggy window, the way the truck is bouncing, and he can't help but creep closer. His whole body floods with heat when he sees your gear. He looks around, sees if anybody has eyes on him before opening up the passenger door.

"Shit!" Joel curses.

You both stop in a panic. Your hands gripping his biceps to stabilize yourself.

Ezra's all smiles. "You don't think she's done enough work tonight, Coach?" He chuckles at your silent, shocked faces. He climbs inside and shuts the door behind him. "Our superstar here requires appreciation. Not more strain on her supremely effective musculature." He crawls closer.

"How 'boutchu--" Joel begins.

Ezra wraps his hand around the back of your neck, pulling you in for a kiss.

Joel’s hands are still tight on your hips. Watching Ezra's tongue meet yours makes his cock twitch and pisses him off at the same time. He grunts.

Ezra's hazy eyes slide over to Joel's after he pulls away from you. "How 'bout I what, Joel?"

Joel snarls and shoves Ezra back with a broad palm to his chest. "How 'boutchu see with your eyes and not with your hands?" He turns back to you. "She's mine right now, and I ain't gonna let you touch her 'til I'm done with her."

Ezra chuckles and undoes his pants, pulling his hardening cock out. "Go ahead and fill her up good, then." He smirks and begins to stroke himself. "Patience is a virtue, and although I am far from a virtuous man, I have been known to wander briefly on the path of the principled." He breaths deeply through his nose, taking in the smell of sweat and sex. "A path more easily endured when enticed by heavenly rewards."

Joel rolls his eyes. "Does he ever shut the fuck up?"

Ezra chuckles again. "You best make haste, old man, before that little blue pill wears off and you go softer than an ice cream cone in the Fourth of July sunshine."

Joel smirks at Ezra and shakes his head. He turns back to you, his hands slide up your sides, grip your breasts through your bra. "You ever seen me take a pill?"

"No," you shake your head. You're so overwhelmed by the situation, you're surprised you were able to say anything at all. And Joel's strong fingers are working your chest, working the muscles in your hips and thighs.

"I don't need no pill," he says with a haughty grin, thrusting up into you. "I don't need her to ride me, neither," he adds for good measure. "I can make her come with my cock alone." He holds you still and you angle your hips slightly as his own hips jump in the seat. "Come on, baby. Show 'im how good this cock is. Come on, now."

You wrap your arms around his shoulders and dig your face into his neck, moaning and keening with every strong thrust. You hear Ezra moaning, too. You turn your head to the side and see him panting, biting his lips. He goes from jerking himself off to squeezing his cock at the base and shaking it, staving off his orgasm with a desperate look on his face. It's all so much, you're sent over the edge--your orgasm barely noticable amidst Joel's relentless assault. How can you come down when everything around you is still building and escalating?

"Gonna fill this pussy up, now," Joel groans. His meaty claws close and spread your asscheeks as he begins to grind into you.

You try to remind yourself to breathe as you squeeze him tighter, whimpering and panting.

"Gonna give you all this come," he groans again and you feel a rush of warmth inside of you.

"Come here, baby," you hear Ezra speak up. "Lemme feel that." And before you know it, you're in Ezra's lap. His cock slides readily into yours and he pants and moans pathetically. "Oh fuck, oh shit, oh shit, baby. That's so good." His hips are barely moving as he holds you close against him, but the squelch of your messy pussy is loud. "Mmmm-that's so good. that's that good shit right there. Oh fuck, baby. Gonna fill you up, too. Mmhmm--gonna give you that sloppy cunt, huh? You like that, baby?" His eyes go wide and you're locked in, nodding and agreeing to whatever he says. "You like bein naughty? You like being filthy?"

At this point, it doesn't matter what either of them say. You'll agree to just about anything that comes out of their mouths--and their cocks.

"Fuckin filthy," he mutters with a snarl and brings his hand down to your ass with a harsh, solid slap. "Fuckin filthy whore. Nnnngg---" He comes inside of you.

You feel dizzy. Spent. Tired. Dazed. You should probably hydrate soon. And you wonder if anyone else on the team is looking for the three of you. You hope Joel has some napkins somewhere in his car, but you're not too worried because you have a pack of wet wipes in your gear bag. You never thought you'd use them for something like this, but... so it goes.

No one suspects a single thing at the after party. You throw back a few shots with your teammates and leg wrestle on the bar floor. You dance to the salsa music someone is playing on the juke box. You consider doing those pelvic floor exercises you saw on youtube once.

------------

a/n: I love life and I love being alive.

[pintsizemama]

First off…Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so excited that I have 400 wonderful followers! You all mean the world to me! Thanks for putting up with all my bullshit ramblings! So, it’s time for a bit of a celebration!

Pick three characters from the list below and I will pair them with the Reader for a fun little polyamorous story! I’m mixing it up a bit here and offering characters outside the Pedro fandom too! (I highlighted Pedro’s characters to make it easier though) Feel free to request specifics for the Reader as well as the tone of the story (angst, smut, fluff, etc). I’ve divided the list of characters by fandom, but you can mix and match however you want!

You can request someone not on the list, but I may not be able to do it if I am unfamiliar with them. (Though, I can do any Pedro character not listed for sure!) But it’s worth a try!

I’ll take requests through the end of the week! Tagging anyone I think may be interested…feel free to reblog and spread the word!

Narcos

Javier Peña

Steve Murphy

Horacio Carrillo

Mandalorian

Din Djarin

Boba Fett

Paz Vizsla

Cobb Vanth

Triple Frontier

Frankie Morales

Will Miller

Benny Miller

Santiago Garcia

Game of Thrones

Oberyn Martell

Ellaria Sand

Jon Snow

Daenerys Targaryen

Khal Drogo

(Shit, I could write for practically anyone on this show)

Other Pedro Characters

Dave York

Ezra

Jack Daniels

Pero Tovar

Marcus Pike

Max Phillips

Marcus Moreno

Comandante Veracruz

Marvel

Loki

Thor

Bucky Barnes

Steve Rogers

Sam Wilson

DC

Diana Prince/Wonder Woman

Bruce Wayne/Batman

Clark Kent/Superman

Arthur Curry/Aquaman

Maxwell Lord

Suicide Squad

Rick Flag

Harley Quinn

Robert DuBois/Bloodsport

Cleo Cazo/Ratcatcher 2

(I still have 2 more asks from my 200 Follower Celebration and a bunch of WIPs, so these may be a bit slow, but they’ll get done!)

@xocalliexo @stevie75 @anaaaispunk @strangercoven @sleep-tight1 @juletheghoul @falulagellerr @just-here-for-the-moment @maxwell--lord @gothicxbarbie @supernaturalgirl89 @paintballkid711 @dihra-vesa @mswarriorbabe80 @kirsteng42 @daryldixonstorm @greeneyedblondie44 @peoniarose @agent-jbarnes @shelby-jupiter @sunny-the-kitsune @withakindheartx @am-alvarezflores98 @hnt-escape @evyiione @javierpinme @andiesturgss @peach-child @fatimaisabelpascal @colorlesswhispersunknown @jasterslegacy @magikfanatic @dreadwolfxoxo @finerthingsboutique @brieflyannoyingandfunny @ikinmahlen

[seriousfic]

Watching Snyder League

-Diana literally vaporizes a guy armed with nothing but an assault rifle.

-Also, these have gotta be like the dumbest terrorists. Their plan:

A. Send multiple armed gunmen to take hostages.

B. Stall for time

C. Set off a suitcase bomb on a one minute countdown (why not just set it off immediately? It's In The Script)

You have a suitcase bomb--just park a car somewhere, set the timer, leave it in the trunk, and walk away. You can kill as many people as you want without losing any of your own guys.

-Superman's scream sends out five separate shockwaves. Which makes me think the guy's milking it, personally.

- I'm amused that both SOP for the Amazons is having, like, fifty people standing around guarding the Mother Box. AND that they don't ramp up security after it wakes up.

- And there's this system of burying the Mother Box.  Which 1. seems like the only way to get there in the first place is to teleport in. What good is this system against a teleporter?

2. It takes six guards to suicide themselves by knocking down pillars, which seems like--in five thousand years, you couldn't come up with something where you just pull a level from twenty feet away?

This is the problem with the Amazons. They're all women, so none of them go into STEM fields.

- It's also real weird that this Bruce Wayne doesn't even try to hide that he's Batman. He just walks right up to Aquaman and goes "hey, Bruce Wayne, I'm also Batman." And remember, he's getting the Justice League together entirely based on a hunch. At least in Josstice League, there were Parademons all up in Gotham.

- And should I even bother to ask why Darkseid's people can't just bring three new Mother Boxes to Earth? Are those the only three? If so, you'd think they'd try to get them back sooner. Like, A LOT sooner.

- Okay, this was supposed to come out one year before Infinity War, but still, it was pretty obvious what Marvel was doing with Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet. They had to know they were inviting comparisons.

-I love the implication, tho, that Darkseid just lost track of the Mother Boxes and just... no one realized they were back on Earth. And they have Parademons that can specifically sniff out the Mother Boxes. 

-And if Superman dying was such a momentous occasion that it woke up a Mother Box, why not the Old Gods dying? Why not Ares dying? Wouldn't that have left Earth just as undefended?

-I have no idea why any of this is happening a couple years after Superman debuted and then died and not in, like, 1446.

-Are the Mother Boxes like finicky computers? Do you need to turn them off and on again? When Superman showed up, did they shut down for real, and then he died, so they came back on for real? Is it like a Windows 95 thing, where you can't JUST turn the computer off, you have to go to the start menu and press Shutdown and then wait for it to close up shop?

-It’s so weird that this is supposed to be a Dark, Mature Adaptation For Adults! And it doesn’t have the same basic logic you’d get from an episode of Power Rangers. 

-So. Much. Daddy issues.

-Please stop letting Ezra Miller improv.

-They cast like the gayest man in America to play the one guy with a love interest.

-Diana: "I lost someone I loved once." Well, twice, but who's counting?

-All those reshoots and they couldn't get Amber Heard to knock off the British accent?

-Why is Desaad, of all people, Darkseid’s dragon? Is it just because they were rifling through all the Fourth World saga to find the few guys with scary names instead of Granny Goodness or Virman Vundabar?

- And they really play up Darkseid appearing to Steppenwolf, but we've not only already seen him in the big flashback, we saw him get his ass kicked by Zeus of all people.

- And the whole thing where Steppenwolf is part of Darkseid's 'family' really isn't helping the Thanos-Nebula-Gamora comparison.

-It's weird to introduce Darkseid as the guy who was already beaten once. Wouldn't it make more sense that Steppenwulf was the guy who lost, and that allowed Darkseid to take over, and now he's trying to redeem himself for his defeat? Or that Darkseid was never defeated at all, but someone stole the Anti-Life Equation from him and hid it on Earth? Something. Instead, it’s literally just randomly burnt into the crust of the Earth, Darkseid discovers it, then forgets all about it for reasons the movie doesn’t get into despite being four damn hours long.

-It’s only the central plot, whatever, forget about it.

- Pretty sure Kal eye-lasered a couple Army guys to death after he was resurrected, not that he ever gives a shit.

-Third big reveal of Darkseid. Come on, you've shown him three times now. We've heard him talk.

-And this does the same thing as Josstice League with Superman being more powerful than the rest of the JLA put together. Here, he even no-sells Steppenwolf's axe. He just lets it hit him and it doesn’t do shit. So Doomsday could kill him, but Steppenwolf can't even scratch him. And yet Wonder Woman seems pretty evenly matched with both, if not outclassed by Steppenwolf.

-Barry Allen spends the whole climax running in a circle. And he fails at it! Dude's really retarded when he doesn't have Team STAR Labs cheering him on.

-He also casually travels back in time to undo his side getting a Game Over, which makes you wonder how any conflict in this universe can ever have any stakes. Say what you will about Endgame, but at least they explain why time travel can’t solve every problem they ever have.

-Hell, the Mother Boxes can bring people back to life. The example used is literally “it can turn smoke back into a house.” Why not bring Joe Morton back to life? He did a good job in T2, c’mon.

-Speaking of, according to TV Tropes, Ray Fisher got to come up with his own backstory for Cyborg (”I don't praise Chris Terrio and Zack Snyder for simply putting me in Justice League. I praise them for EMPOWERING me (a black man with no film credits to his name) with a seat at the creative table and input on the framing of the Stones before there was even a script!”), which makes it kinda hilarious that this movie’s characterization of Cyborg is that he’s a genius sports hero who also loves helping out the underprivileged.

-AND his big conflict with his dad is that Silas Stone was never there for him, as literally represented by there being an empty seat next to his mom at Vic’s big sportsball game. So apparently the black experience is indistinguishable from Austin Powers In Goldmember. Who knew?

-What else? It's weird that the narrative tries to put some importance in Martha Kent, but then in her big scene with Lois, she's really Martian Manhunter (not kidding) and when Superman is resurrected, he hears encouraging words ONLY from Jor-El and Jonathan. All she really contributes to the story is hugging Superman after he comes back.

-Also, Batman spends a lot of time in the climax shooting people with a rifle. They're bug people and it's, like, a Halo rifle, but still. You can tell Snyder's just chomping at the bit to have Batman carry around a Colt Commando.

-They give no shits about secret identities in this, so why do they still bother with putting a shitty distortion effect on Batfleck's voice? He has a pretty good Batman voice outside the suit, but once he puts it on, he starts sounding like he's giving a blowjob to Daft Punk.

-One of the movie’s, like, four cliffhangers is Lex Luthor telling Deathstroke about Batman’s secret identity, because Deathstroke has a private vendetta against Batman and is out to get him. Of all the Bat rogues who are solely motivated by taking out Batman--why choose Deathstroke, the guy that’s just a mercenary for hire, to characterize as simply hating Batman? (They also imply Batman took out Deathstroke’s eye and THAT’S the big feud between him and--guys. C’mon. This was really supposed to be a whole movie of Deathstroke getting revenge for his eye?)

- The movie ends with them making Wayne Manor the JLA headquarters--God, just tell me if secret identities matter or not.

-Did we really need two ‘beyond the impossible’ scenes back to back, one for Cyborg and one for the Flash?

-Oh, it’s not Arkham Asylum, it’s ‘Arkham Home For The Emotionally Troubled.’ Was this supposed to be one of those Arrowverse things where they call it Starling City for a while, only to rebrand it Star City because that’s somehow better than just calling it Star City in the first place?

- "[Snyder] also said that the reason Darkseid lost track of which world the Mother Boxes were left on was because he was gravely injured and their forces sent limping away, and upon returning to Apokolips had to fight a civil war for the throne (possibly the event hinted where Steppenwolf betrayed him), wherein their records were lost." Imagine having a movie four hours long and not explaining the fucking backstory.

[kittyspring-creates]

I dont post enough about kit (my oc) and larry so heres some qaurintina things

*Larry has done all the grocery shopping while kit does all the online shopping

*Her anxiety got out of hand to the point shed panic about the outside

*its gotten better but she still freaks out when theres large gatherings or people touch her

*Larry really got into outfits in his down time, finding cheap but good pastal goth shit to match his wifu, some old style alice cooper shirts, leggings

* he found a batch of horror leggings and now kit had to show him how to store them

*Larry painted like alot at first, fearful things and haunting colors, right now hes trying to work in a sunset with a small shadow in the center

* Larrys also been in a panic, keeping uo to date on the news like a hawk and calling his mom every week to make sure shes ok and to spread what hes heard

*Virtual sunday dinners with the gang, the todd house with neil and todd and sal and gizmo, Ash from her home on the other side of town, chug and maple and soda just a few floors up

*the two really tried to stress they didnt want chug coming over cause of covid. But really its cause they knew he was forgetful and didnt wear a mask when he went outside

*money became an issue for a hot minute but they figured it out

*Larry sells decrepted paintings while he waits for his job to return from war

*kits been selling candles and they have a shared etsy. Both files for ei so its gotten better

*dark but for a moment in the fall kit had become a bit of an alcholic, drinking all the tine despite being sick, always on something

*Larry hid her booze to keep her sober for a bit, knowing she woukdnt go for it if it wasnt there

*they had a long talk about it turbing into a fight that left them both in tears

*moderation, kit now only drinks on monday nights and larrys stopped smoking every hour on the hour, now enjoying one after his coffee, his lunch, before dinner, before bed

*movies everynight especially when one of them falls in love with an actor or actress, right now may 2021 theyre in love with Christain Slater, Gillian Anderson, Ezra Miller and David Duchovny. Also documentries.

*Its been long and stressful year and a half but things are kinda looking up. They both have just gotten their first shot. The last of their friends as Neil is a nurse and got his boyfriend done months ago, sal is an at risk becuase of his medical issues, ash was in a hot spot and chug and maple when while they babysat soda. (Doing their best not to be clean freaks about the 5yearold)

*Even larrys mom got the shot and Kits dad

*a little relaxed now they still take precaution, sanitising after touching doors outside, wearing masks, keeping away from people

*inside they are still chillin, now that the warm weathers come out they like to hang out by the patio in the back, tending to kits garden shes been working on to help the cost of food, reading in the sun light and making wreaths and other decorations for the house.

*did i mention they live in larrys old apartment and he took over his moms job after she got a diffrent one that paid alot more and had benifites. cant do your job if thers no imidiate issue and theres a stay at home order in effect by the city.

Might do an update on how their summer goes.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

I had a friend create a 10-category, 50-question Harry Potter trivia quiz for my 30th birthday. I have a Ravenclaw tattoo that takes up most of my right forearm. I’ve helped orchestrate an HP-themed baby shower. I’ve held multiple HP movie marathons. And when we were first dating and Wife told me she’d never read the books, I legitimately cried and then blocked it from my memory. When she told me for the second time, months later, I cried again. 

One could say I’m a fan of the wizarding world. 

So here we are, at the second entry in the second wizarding franchise, and the only question really worth answering is, is this a world that’s still worth visiting? Well...

Imagine someone you love - it could be anyone, but as an example I’ll use your best friend. Imagine your BEST friend, whom you’ve shared so much with, whom you’ve gone through ups and downs with. That one. Now imagine that every few months, your best friend’s mom sends you a text, or calls you, or puts up a billboard in your town that seems to be actively trying to get you to hate your best friend. Things like “She kicks puppies” or “One time, she made fun of a homeless man until he cried” or “She told me she wants to set fire to a hospital.” Like, real fucked up stuff. Would you maintain a relationship with that friend? With them both? Or would you cut ties completely and just hold onto the memories of the friendship you used to have?

I’m genuinely asking, because J.K. Rowling seems hellbent on shitting all over the things I love in some twisted effort to make me utterly baffled and repulsed by the world she has created. I never thought I’d say this, but Johnny Depp is the least of this movie’s problems, so welcome to Whose Crime Is It Anyway? where the timelines are made up and the plot points don't matter.

A spoilery summary! Our favorite Hufflepuff Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) is asked by Hot Dumbledore (Jude Law) to go to Paris and find Credence (Ezra Miller). You remember Credence, the sweet emo boy from the first movie whose death functioned as the climax of the film? JK JK death is meaningless and impermanent here! It’s the roaring 20s, everyone’s drunk. Newt needs to find him because Grindelwald (Johnny Depp, doing his best impression of day-old potato salad) is also looking for him. Credence is the subject of a prophecy that everyone’s familiar with but the audience, you see, and he’s currently trapped in a Parisian street circus with a woman/snake named Nagini (Claudia Kim, and yes, THAT Nagini). Jacob and Queenie (Dan Fogler and Alison Sudol) also show up again, because they were in the first movie too so they have to be here for this. Jacob’s memory has been restored because...~handwavey reasons~ and Queenie decides to join The Mayonnaise Man’s cause as a wizard Nazi because...she wants to marry a Muggle. Somehow I think she didn’t read the whole orientation flyer. Leta Lestrange (Zoe Kravitz) is engaged to Newt’s brother, Theseus (Callum Turner) but is mostly hanging around to look sad and reveal that Credence couldn’t be her long-lost brother because she killed her long-lost brother by switching him with another baby on a ship right before it sank at sea. And she’s right, Credence isn’t her brother - he’s gone over to the dark side, where the vaguely human amalgamation of cauliflower rice tells him he’s the long-lost brother of Albus Dumbledore! Because why the fuck not, nothing else in this goddamn thing makes any sense anyway.

I would also like to point out I left out at least 40 more characters, many of whom seem to be important but are never named or introduced in any way.

SEVERAL thoughts:

Visually, this world is stunning. The set designers have done an incredible job showcasing new magical settings in rich, vivid detail. The Parisian street circus and the French Ministry of Magic building were particular favorites of mine.

Likewise, the 1927-era costumes are drop-dead gorgeous. This franchise should really be called Fantastic Coats and Where to Find Them.

50 galleons seems so steep. I wonder what the wizarding inflation rate is.

Snakes can fit through bars of cages...

Performances - Redmayne is sweet, but virtually shoved out of the way in his own franchise; Kravitz is cold and removed - is that acting choice secret pain or constipation? Hard to say; Fogler is underutilized, especially after being the emotional MVP of the first film; Sudol is fractured and manic, completely devoid of her earnest warmth from before; Miller barely gets 3 lines, and mostly looks like he’s about to cry; Law is fine as hell and kindly and wise and doesn’t give off weird “I’m going to use children as sacrificial lambs without telling them or anyone else about it” vibes, so that’s already a big step up from the Dumbledore we get in the books; and then there’s Johnny. Johnny “lightly braised tofu” Depp is giving one of his most understated performances in years, to the point that he’s almost...boring? Most genocidal fuckheads are at least compelling speakers, but this dehydrated turnip just sort of glides about, while his followers do dastardly things for him. He doesn’t even kill his own toddlers, he outsources it to his followers. Does nobody believe in honest, hard work anymore? 

Basically all of the details - the set dressing, the costumes, the overall aesthetics and feel of the film - are beautifully realized. However, the foundation is made of smoke and sand and the distant sound of JKR’s maniacal laughter.

Cast and endorse an accused abuser who is teetering on the brink of public collapse? Check. Include outdated Orientalism cliches by casting an East Asian woman as mysterious, dangerous, and literally snake-like? Check. How about a white imperialist Imperius-ing Leta Lestrange's (black African) mother and literally forcing her into sex slavery with no follow-up or reflection on the part of the film or its characters? Check. It’s like some sort of perverse bingo game she’s playing to try to alienate everyone who might have seen themselves in the Harry Potter universe as belonging, because they understood what it was like to be an outsider, to be abused, to be shunned and made fun of and ostracized. Cause fuck all those people, amirite?

And that’s just the offensive choices from a purely political standpoint. How about the offensive choices regarding more trivial matters like linear time and space - like Dumbledore teaching Transfiguration, not DAtDA. Or like Professor MacGonagall being born in 1935, yet somehow teaching at Hogwarts in 1927. People apparating inside Hogwarts. Complete reversals of characters’ personalities and motivations. Characters being introduced and never seen again (where did Bunty go?? Did she die???) Characters NOT being introduced and never seen again (what up Jessica Williams, super psyched that you’re here, sure would be neat if I knew who the fuck you were playing or why that person was important!) If the references are meant for fans’ benefit, it fucking BACKFIRED, because most HP fans I know aren’t looking for a convoluted soap opera where babies are switched, people have secret brothers, everyone's amnesia gets reversed, and people come back from the dead.

Now that I think about it, the practice of confronting a boggart is super problematic. Like people have traumas. It's not all spiders and snakes, Dumbledore! God, Hogwarts pedagogy is shit.

I’m still not convinced that Jude Law’s tasty Daddy Dumbledore could possibly still be in love with this tuna salad sandwich from a vending machine at the DMV. That flashback in the Mirror of Erised is supposed to be full of longing but all I could think was, “is this how straight people think gay sex works?” Would have loved to hear that day in the writer’s room. “Maybe we could have them kiss?” “Too gay. What if they exchange blood vows and hold hands to form a magical amulet?” “Nailed it.” *everyone high fives and chugs a Red Bull* 

There’s just...so much. So much that I wish were different. I don’t quite know how it’s possible for a film to explain both too much and not enough, but here we are. The Crimes of Grindlewald isn’t just a title, it’s a prophecy of what audiences are forced to endure here - it’s not just separating art from artist, it’s not just cultural exploitation and othering, it’s not just queer erasure, it’s not just overplotted and underwhelming narrative, it’s not just cheap shocks and winking references. The rap sheet just keeps getting longer and longer, and I have to wonder when, if ever, Rowling will atone for these crimes.

[eyebright-iris]

Review: Met Gala 2019

Good morning to girls and gays only.  Straight men can perish.

Well, the Met Gala has rolled around once again and all I can say is: I’m so glad I’m a lesbian. The theme for this year was ‘Camp: Notes on Fashion’ and my GOD did some men decide that this was the perfect opportunity to come in a bland black tux or worse.

Some of the biggest disappointments of the night for me have to be Rami Malek and Taron Egerton, who, having both just played some of the most iconic men in recent history who lived, breathed and ate the essence of camp, saw fit to turn up in black tuxes.  Taron’s was kinda sparkly though and I still respect the dude for his general lack of typical masculinity elsewhere (more men commenting “phwoar” on their mates’ Instagram, please).  Shout out to Frank Ocean who showed up looking like any bouncer you might find outside one of my local clubs on a Saturday night.  He collaborated with James Charles to prove that while some gays showed their best, others certainly did not.  The theme was CAMP, James Charles, and you still couldn’t deliver.

I appreciated the change in pace from Darren Criss and Harry Styles, but to be honest, Harry’s had camper looks in concert and Darren Criss…well, I loved his look, but it also took me a solid ten minutes to work out that it was him and not just Brendon Urie in his regular concert gear.  Glittery jackets and statement eyeliner do not a camp icon make, I’m afraid, though you certainly did better than so many others.

Kim Kardashian was certainly…there.  I’m impressed with the way she managed to make herself look like she’s just stepped out of the ocean butt-naked and dripping wet, but girl.  You’re rich as fuck.  There’s more than bodycon dresses out there.  Also please smack your husband, he’s a dick and he’s wearing a black tracksuit.  Kendall and Kylie were a little more flamboyant but honestly, they were single-colour knockoffs of things I would say you could find at a Rio street festival, except that would be an insult to Brazil and all the ways Rio festivals embody everything the Jenner looks were not.  And to be real with you?  For all the colour that was there, they were boring.  What is it with these women and being afraid to be #Iconique? It’s sad that all they seem to know how to do is emphasise their boobs and hips in dresses with very little fabric to try and be daring.  If they weren’t so rich and influential no one would pay them any mind because you can see the same look on anyone else.

While I don’t like Cardi B, I can appreciate her attempt to get into the spirit of the Met Gala, which she pulled off so well last year.  I only wish her skirt hadn’t ended up looking like rows of theatre seating.  Katy Perry was there as both a chandelier and a hamburger, which, while a step up from the Jenner-Kardashian contributions, leads me to wonder if she knows what ‘camp’ means, or if her foray into queer culture stopped once she was done appropriating sapphic sexuality for male consumption in 2008.  Special mention must go to Benedict Cumberbatch who saw fit to show up dressed like some bizarre visiting cousin of Colonel Sanders who maybe definitely owned a plantation.  It wasn’t a black tux but somehow I just wish it had been.

To get to the real stars of the night, I think it’s only fair to start off by saying this Met Gala was once again, Black Excellence.  I cannot BREATHE for the number of incredible, powerful black icons taking to the pink carpet in works of art.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Billy Porter showed up (and showed everyone else up) with six hot half naked slave dudes decked out in gold carrying him in on a black-and-gold chaise-lounge like a modern-day Cleopatra and, once he had both feet firmly on the floor, threw up the massive golden wings of Isis and owned the entire space around him.  The crown.  The wings. The copious gold sparkly shit. The gold bedazzled stuff on his face. Every other man should be ashamed of his failure to measure up to the king. Also every man in a tux found DEAD by the side of the road thanks to our Lord and Saviour Billy Porter.

If Billy Porter is the king, then surely, there are too many queens to choose from.  From Laverne Cox’s strikingly shaped black dress with her brilliant blue-white hair and statement makeup, to Lupita Nyong’o showing up in the full neon spectrum of the rainbow, black women showed up to take the crown every single time last night.  Janelle Monáe’s stunning artsy dress blew me away, from the Picasso-like features to the multitude of hats that I have no idea how she balanced, she’s a masterpiece.  Lizzo stepped out looking like the Empress of Flamingos and I am absolutely here for every second of it.  The colours are loud, bold, and the outfit is as large-as-life as Lizzo herself.  Her hair was so stunning, I swear I thought it was a crown at first.

Black hair certainly had a starring role on the red carpet as well, from Tessa Thompson’s insanely long braid (she was carrying a WHIP to complete her outfit RIP all wlw) to Lupita’s impressive afro with its many golden combs.  I adored Danai Gurira’s hair and especially loved her Oscar Wilde-inspired outfit: here is a woman who understands her brief and works from it to great effect, and I loved Keiynan Lonsdale’s gorgeous hair and butterfly gown – seeing him embracing his queerness with both arms since Love, Simon led him to come out has made my heart big.

I can’t move on from the black dominance and excellence of the night without mention of two of my favourite looks: Zendaya and Lena Waithe.  If Billy Porter is the king and there are too many queens to count, then Zendaya stands out yet again as the living, breathing princess of the lot of them. I can hear the white tears over black girl magic Cinderella from here.  She arrived in a whole Cinderella dress that expanded and glows from within, a pumpkin-carriage purse and her own fairy godmother to transform her with a little bibbity-bobbity-boo?  She even lost her damn glass slipper on the stairs. A true artist.  As they say in the LGBT+ community: um, wig.

Speaking of which: Lena Waithe.  The lesbian icon herself, who showed up to last year’s Catholic-themed Met Gala in a pride flag cape, and who went hell for leather this year as well, putting every man in a tux to shame by not only out-classing them in how fantastic she looked in her lilac suit, but also paying homage to the origins of camp, with the back of her jacket boldly stating “Black Drag Queens Invented Camp” and the pinstripes on the suit actually being cleverly displayed lyrics to iconic drag queen songs.  She really Did That yet again and I’m knocked dead.

This review is already long as hell and it’s about to get longer because there are more looks that I want to mention.

First of all: Lady. Fucking. Gaga.  My girl did four outfits on the pink carpet in the space of 15 minutes and holy shit did she kill it.  Starting out in a voluminous hot pink ballgown, followed by a more sedate but still impressive black one with a matching umbrella, then down to a slim hot-pink number, huge sunglasses, and statement telephone, and finally ending up in an iconic mesh and underwear set, all while sporting the most gorgeous gold false eyelashes that made the whole thing pop.  The creativity and flair of everything Gaga does has made her iconic throughout the years and this event was no exception.

Ezra Miller FUCKED IT UP. Pinstripe suit with the sweeping train, glittering cage corset on top and a myriad of imitation eyes all over his face, carrying an eerie mask of himself on a stick?  Phenomenal.  The confidence in his walk as he moved and the way he displayed his look was so striking and seeing him own it so much made my night.

I loved Jordan Roth’s take on Billy Porter’s wings, allowing him to show up as a literal whole theatre. I loved Ryan Murphy’s sparkling pink champagne tux and high-collared cape.  Florence Welch absolutely slayed in her glittering wing-collared cloak.

However, one of the standout looks for the night was Hamish Bowles.  The embodiment of camp, with that magnificent fur-trimmed patterned cape. The look is absolutely dominating even when he’s standing still, and when he moves, the whole thing comes alive. Watching some of the dynamic shots taken of him having fun with his outfit, I felt like I was watching a bullfighter in a lion’s mane – and all of that is good.  I can’t quite put my finger on why I felt he looked like a fabulous Mrs Doubtfire (maybe it’s the shoes) but the outfit was one of the best and definitely set a bar that so many men fell short of.

Final Words:

Can someone please tell cishet men to step their game up?  Or men in general (I see you Frank Ocean and James Charles letting the damn side down)?  They can stay boring if they want, however.  The rest of us will be having far more fun without them, and the plain black tuxes certainly are no talking point of the evening.

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E10

After the cut, lots of thoughts of bullying and betrayals. Also, me trying to get through these quick before season 2 starts dropping. 

CLIP 1: And now, for a lot of thoughts on bullying

¿Con las clases empezadas? (“Mid-term?”): Nora asks Eva something like, “with school having started?” I reworked it as it sounds awkward.

Es que no me entra nada (“I have no appetite”): Eva says something like, “I can’t get anything inside.” Again, no one says this in English.

Okay, so when this clip dropped, there were some discussions on twitter. Firstly, as someone who has attended high school in the US and Spain, I don’t believe Nora would be nicknamed Joan of Arc at an American high school. I don’t think Joan of Arc is that well-known of a figure that side of the Atlantic. Joan of Arc is a fairly recognizable figure in Spain because she is a Roman Catholic saint, and Spanish culture is highly influenced by Catholicism. In my opinion, a person like Nora, living in Wisconsin, would be called a SJW or a snowflake or something along those lines. The issue is, Spanish people don’t understand what those nicknames would mean. They would, however, understand the nuances of getting called Joan of Arc.

Then there is another issue. Nora says, “I swear that, in the US, being a freak is a lot worse than here.” That raises some questions, because the kind of bullying Eva is victim to, is actually really serious. I believe she has it the worst out of all the Evas. To recap: She has been abandoned by all her friends except for Nora. People are talking about her and pointing at her. People throw notes at her, and she is the victim of 24/7 cyberbullying, which involves a picture of the Eva/Cristian kiss and defacing the pictures posted to her ig. This has been going on for around a week. Tyler Clementi, to name a notable victim of cyberbullying, suffered under similar circumstances.  

So, since Nora is speaking from personal experience, how severe was the bullying she suffered in Madison, the bullying that makes her say that, “in the US, being a freak, is a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing. Some viewers felt that Nora was minimizing the bullying Eva was going through, as Nora only mentions namecalling, being nicknamed Joan of Arc. Spanish teen viewers (the target audience) felt that Nora was exaggerating what “being a freak” is like at an American high school. That is because Spanish teens’ knowledge of American high school comes from, you guessed it, TV shows and movies. In particular, a movie that was brought up in the comments to the clip was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. When this movie was dubbed for Spaniards, the title was translated as “Las ventajas de ser un marginado” (Perks of being marginalized). Now, you will agree that being marginalized is a lot stronger than being a wallflower, and so that led to the impression from certain viewers that being bullied in the US is a glamorous affair where your best friends are Ezra Miller and Emma Watson, you eat cannabis brownies, drive through tunnels for the aesthetics and go to school dances.

In short, this clip attempted to broach the topic of bullying in the US as compared to bullying in Spain, to an audience who has no real references of what American high school culture is like, outside of American popular culture. And to do so, they gave an unrealistic example (American students using Joan of Arc as a demeaning nickname), failed to explain why Nora would feel that bullying at US schools is “a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing (which barely holds up as an argument, as what Eva is going through has led students in the US to grievous harm), and led more educated viewers to wonder about the extent of the bullying Nora went through. And while bullying at American high schools is an important topic, should that be a topic that Skam ESPAÑA deals with? Is it relevant to the average Spanish teen’s experience? Personally, I feel like the writers may have bitten off more than the show can possibly chew, with this narrative choice, which informs Nora’s character as it is her backstory.

On a lighter note, Nora compares Eva to a dog, which should imply her stance on dogs isn’t so hard-line. The word she uses, “galletitas,” can mean a number of different things in Spanish. Generally speaking, “galletas” are cookies, but they may also be biscuits, salty crackers, or yes, dog food. I went with “kibble” to keep to the dog-related teasing.

Again, the characters suggest that Eva talks to her mom, but she doesn’t. As I mentioned, this is generally true of Spanish teens (we aren’t a hivemind after all), and more specifically, of bullying victims. One of the biggest issues about bullying in Spain is that victims take up to a year to tell their parents.  

CLIP 2: Learn English with Skam España

Okay, so this is definitely more about the effects on bullying than culture or translation anymore. Is everyone in that library talking about Eva? At this point, it no longer matters for either Eva or the viewer. The bullying she has gone through so far has made it so that both Eva and the viewer now feel paranoid that everyone is talking shit about Eva while Eva is present. Maybe those guys are just checking 9gag! But since they took out their phones at the same time Eva got an IG notification, it feels like they are definitely mocking Eva. I thought Eva’s actress was great through the entire bullying arc, and I liked that Skam España expanded on the bullying sl from the og, so that we could get a fuller portrait of the effects of bullying on their victims.

¿Con qué estás? (“What are you studying?”): The literal translation would be, “What are you with?” I.e. What subject are you working on right now.

When did Amira take that Bio test? She’s supposed to be in Eva’s group (we saw her in the third clip and she’s also on the Science track), but of course, that test was all about Eva and Lucas’ friendship angst.

Phrasal verbs are the bane of every ESL student’s existence, Cris included.

No seas plasta (“don’t be a pain in the ass”): “Plasta” is a synonym of “pesado/pesada,” which I already covered in an earlier post. It literally means “flattened mass.”

Me cago en la puta (“shit on a whore”): More pooping! Now we’re pooping right on top of prostitutes! But yeah, that’s the literal translation and, you know, sometimes you want to find the closer English equivalent, and other times, you just want to make sure people understand who or what we’re pooping on this time. Cris is really frustrated with her English skills, so she uses one of the stronger pooping variations.

This was one of the clips that were most fun to translate, for the challenge of translating an English quiz to English.

CLIP 3: Mess

Es que ya hay que tener mala hostia (“You really gotta be a fucking asshole”): “Tener mala hostia” is the stronger versión of “tener mala leche” (literally, to have bad milk). A person with “mala leche” is someone who acts in bad faith, a malicious or a bad-tempered person. The idiom comes from the idea that a mother’s breastfeeding milk can have an impact on her person’s temper or personality. “Hostia,” as we’ve covered, is the sacramental bread used for the ritual of the Eucharist, but it’s used more commonly to mean a smack across the face.

Cris makes a point of singling out the person who first uploaded the pic to instagram. When I link Skam España to people, I point out that they should also follow the social media posts, and here’s the reason. If you follow the social media posts, you already know who first uploaded the picture to instagram. It was Inés. The hate ig took it from her stories, cropped it, and posted the first meme. The sequence of events is clear if you followed the show in real time. However, if you bingewatch the episodes and don’t follow social media, you get the impression that, at this point, how the Eva/Cristian picture made it to the hate ig is a mystery. And also, that whoever uploaded it first (who we know to be Inés) is the one with beef against Eva. And, well, there’s beef of the level of “I uploaded a compromising pic to my stories to be a dick” and beef on the level of “I’ve vandalized all your pictures, turned you into a meme and covertly filmed you at school.”

This confrontation is so odd when you consider that, unlike the og girl squad who didn’t know about the letter written in period blood, the Spanish girl squad suspects the second years of being behind the hate ig. In fact, they know the girls have pulled similar shit before. And, best of all, Cris actually hooked up with one of them, so you’d think Cris’ presence might help matters?

The second year girls have a different Maths teacher. This one is a guy. The girl squad’s Maths teacher is a woman.

I find it funny that Rubén was suspended for three days for fighting with ALEJANDRO, but ALEJANDRO was not punished himself.

I just noticed that there should be an “into” in the sentence, “People are huge assholes and anything can turn INTO a joke to laugh your ass off.” Oops.

CLIP 4: Failing grade in Biology and in Friendship

As noted in the subs, in Spain we’re graded on a 0-10 scale. 5 is the passing grade. Lucas got an 8, which is considered a “notable” grade, but not “outstanding” (those are grades over 9). Eva got a 3, which is well below 5. Much like Isak, Lucas is good enough in Biology that he does well in surprise exams. He seems to be resentful of what this grade might do to his GPA though, lol.

Lucas says that his mom was hysterical after his dad left, but the language he uses doesn’t make it explicit that his mom is mentally ill. The writers may or may not keep this part of Isak’s background. Thought I’d mention that since we know at this point that they have no issues giving the Skam España characters entirely different backgrounds. So far, it’s clear that Lucas’ parents fight a lot and that his home life is massively impacting Lucas’ mood and life, but we don’t know what the fights are about.

¿Para esto vienes de buenas a hablar conmigo? (“Is this why you talked to me like nothing happened?”): “de buenas” is kind of tricky to translate. You can come at someone “de buenas” (good) or “de malas” (bad). If you come at someone “de malas,” it means you’re already on a bad mood when you start a conversation, or you’re angling for a fight. On the other hand, if you come at someone “de buenas,” it means you’re in a conciliatory mood, or trying to avoid a fight.

CLIP 5: Hi privileges

Comiéndoos la boca (“Sucking face”): Inés actually says that Jorge and Eva were eating each other’s mouths. This is a common Spanish idiom, by the way!

El insta es muy jodido (“Insta is a mindfuck”): Eva says that Insta is “really fucked up,” as in, it does a number on one’s mental health. I went with “mindfuck” to get to the point of what Eva means, but keeping the swear word.

Eva asks Inés why she stayed friends with Jorge, but not her. I saw some commentary to the tune of, “why did they add that bit of dialogue? It adds nothing to the conversation, we already know this.” Personally, I think it��s good that they added it, because it’s a good starting point for a discussion, and particularly when it comes to the s2 storyline. Skam has gotten massive kudos for promoting sorority and friendship between girls. However, the s2 storyline is about Noora being forced to choose between her friend and a boyfriend. Vilde never dated William, but the storyline shares some of the same elements: Eva is torn between a guy she likes who likes her back, and her friend who is in love with that guy. So is Noora. Skam offers two outcomes to that scenario. Eva’s decision results in her expulsion from her friend group, while ultimately the girl squad friendship is stronger after Noora’s season.

Inés says she assumed that boyfriends come and go, but that she thought she’d stay friends with Eva forever. Was Eva Mohn right in choosing a boyfriend over her best friend? Was Eva Vázquez (since, thanks to the bonus clip, we know more of how Eva and Jorge got together)? Was Inés right to hold a grudge against Eva? And if she was right to do so, was she right to not hold a grudge against Jorge?  Is it ever okay to choose a boyfriend over your friends?

Again, if you haven’t kept up with the social media, Inés’ apology may seem confusing. It seems like she admits to being the person behind the hate ig, but then why would she not take credit for the meme? The first profile to make a meme out of the Eva/Cristian pic was eva_la_z0rra (or eva_the_s1ut). That’s because Inés is not behind the hate ig. She just uploaded the pic to her stories. I have noticed that people who didn’t keep up with the social media posts assume Inés took responsibility for the hate ig, which is interesting. You could watch og Skam without the social media posts and the story would be exactly the same than if you’d watched it with the social media posts. Social media added characterization details. When it comes to Skam España, you come away with two very different conclusions as to who ran the hate ig, depending on your level of investment (reading and watching everything vs just watching the episodes).

Retirar el saludo (“to snub someone”): This idiom doesn’t come up in the clip itself, but it gives cultural context to Eva and Inés’ conversation. In the course of a day, we say hi to everyone we know that we come across. We don’t necessarily stop and have a conversation, but we acknowledge them with a “hi” or a “how are you doing.” In Spain, we have a specific idiom for when someone’s fucked up and has lost their “hi” privileges. This is “retirar el saludo” (literally, “to remove the greeting”). Through the conversation, Eva seeks to get her “hi” privileges back, and eventually Inés agrees she will say “hi” to Eva when they see each other at school/around the neighborhood/at parties or botellones. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stop to talk and catch up, but Eva now gets to be told “hi.”  

Social media: 

Cris turned 16 this week! I love that the writers specifically picked her birthdate so that it would fall on a day where the girl squad was still broken up. Needless to say, people were very salty in the comments, heh.

I’ve liked the way Skam España has referenced the og with similar social media pics, Kose Club, and song choices. Referencing songs from the og on insta is actually clever as it helps them circumvent music license issues, lol. That said, I think naming the Spanish girl squad after the og girl squad name Las Losers would be far too much. I hope they leave it at that, just a reference on a text update.

[welproosterteethownsmysoul-blog]

Six of Crows Dream Cast!

So because of the upcoming Netflix show, I decided to do one of these! The criteria I used for this was acting experience, looks, and age (to an extent).

1. Kaz Brekker:

Jaeden Lieberher

OR

David Mazouz

Honestly, Kaz was probably the hardest for me to pick. They need someone young who can pull off a very complicated and broken little shit. I saw alot of people mentioning Ezra Miller's name (he would fucking kill this role) but I'm not sure if that's realistic lol. So I went with Jaeden and David. Jaeden is 16 and he played Bill in It. I thought Jaeden was absolutely fantastic in It and Bill (while being kinda shy and has a stutter) is a hard role to play. I think Jaeden would be a very believable Kaz, especially just from the way he looks (his cheek bones, his hair style, etc.) David is 17 and is just finishing playing Bruce Wayne on Gotham. Bruce and Kaz are definitely similar characters and David does a great job as Bruce! David can pull off complex characters like Bruce and I have no doubt that he would make a fantastic Kaz.

2. Inej Ghafa

Alia Bhatt

Okay, I know alot of people really want Neelam Gill to play Inej. However, Neelam is a model with no acting experience, which makes me a little wary. Inej needs to be played by someone who can do not just the scenes where she's spying or goofing off with the rest of the Crows, but also her vulnerable scenes (her Menagerie flashbacks, etc.) I chose Alia because she's young, she looks like Inej, and has had some previous experience with serious roles in Bollywood movies (I think she did one about Stockholm Syndrome?)

3. Nina Zenik

Danielle Macdonald

This was another tough one because there aren't really that many young plus-sized actresses. Danielle is 27 and just recently played Willowdean in Dumplin on Netflix! I know 27 is a little outside of the age range of the characters but she can pull off playing an older teen (see movie mentioned above). I think she would absolutely slay as Nina. She can definitely pull off Nina's confident air and her funny moments as well as her struggle after taking Parem.

4. Matthias Helvar

Nicholas Hamilton

In an absolutely perfect world, Matthias would be played by Chris Hemsworth because holy shit he'd be perfect. However, Chris is way too old for the role. So I went with (in my opinion) the next best option which is Nicholas. Nicholas is 18 and played Henry in It. Nicholas is already in pretty fantastic shape as it is and I think he can pull off stoic and brooding pretty well. His performance in It was really fantastic and he definitely has the chops for a role like Matthias. His height is a little on the smaller side for Matthias (he's 5'8 and most of the time I picture Matthias as at least 6'1) but I'm willing to overlook it.

5. Jesper Fahey

Keiynan Lonsdale

Okay, this was a no-brainer for me. Keiynan IS Jesper Fahey. Keiynan is 27 and played Bram in Love Simon and currently plays Wally West on various DC TV shows. Again, 27 isn't really the age group of the characters but Keiynan can play older teens. Keiynan is REALLY good looking and can definitely pull off Jesper's confident swagger and shameless flirting.

6. Wylan Van Eck

Tom Holland

Okay, look at him and tell me that isn't Wylan Van Eck. Tom is 22 and currently plays Peter Parker in the MCU. Peter and Wylan are similar in the sense that they're both socially awkward dorks who get flustered easily and are also secretly badasses. I think Tom would be absolutely adorable as Wylan and could really pull off the dorky innocent demeanor of Wylan in a great way.

Bonus! Kuwei Yul-Bo

Charles Melton

I think Charles would REALLY do well in this role. Kuwei is a little shit (a role which Charles already plays on Riverdale) and I think Charles could make him (slightly) redeemable.

[iingwaz-blog]

├ EZRA MILLER / SOFIA BLACK-D’ELIA. GENDERFLUID. HE/THEY/SHE. ┤ you’re riding solo, LOKI. their file names them a A FEW THOUSAND year old FROST GIANT / DEITY from MARVEL. according to their old friend, LOKI has ALL of their memories. but what they do know, is their quintessence is captured within the lyrics of I WANNA GET BETTER by THE BLEACHERS.

trigger warnings: death

this is the story of loki backstory, let’s go!

a disaster, a mess, a trainwreck of a person deity

this intro is a reflection of that

like really this is a mess, reading the wiki would probably be a lot less confusing

okay, so right off the bat let’s just establish one thing: i play loki based almost entirely off the comics.  there may be a few thing’s influenced and based off the mcu, but my portrayal of loki is probably like… 99% comics based.

so i’m pretty sure we all know the basics of who this asshole is bc of the mcu, but let’s quickly establish a few things that are different 1) loki was raised fully knowledgeable that he was adopted / is a jotun, not an aesir 2) loki dies - like full on, not faking or almost dying and then not, is completely 100% dead - multiple times. 2a) there’s multiple different incarnations/versions of loki in the comics, kinda almost as a result of that. 2b) more on all this in a moment. 3) loki is…. vastly more powerful in the comics.

okay so i know i said i write loki in the comics, but i also mentioned that there’s a lot of lokis in the comics.  so which one in particular do i play??

the third main incarnation, most commonly referred to as ikol.  ikol was originally created by the first loki as kind of a failsafe of sorts in the event that he died?

which yknow

he did

the original loki fucking died.  rip in pieces, you piece of shit.

ikol is a ghost, a copy, an echo of the original loki.

loki ended up being uhhh reincarnated as a kid.  this incarnation, known commonly as kid loki, is great.

except for the part where ikol’s whole purpose was to, yknow, kill him.

which he did

kill kid loki, that is.

didn’t just kill him, really.  stole his body, too.

just loki things: murdering yourself, and then stealing your body

“i am the crime that will not be forgiven!”

this is such a goddamn mess i’m sorry

okay so…. we have now arrived at the point of ikol playing the role of loki

the event of young avengers v2 happen, all that good fun happy stuff happens

and then!!  loki: agent of asgard!

sooo…. loki ends up working for the all-mother (mainly freyja, who’s, yknow, loki’s mum) to basically make up for all of loki’s past crimes, misdeeds, and such.

anD THEN! king loki shows up

king loki is… ikol’s future self?  

he’s from a future where loki accomplished pretty much all that they set out to do.  their past crimes were largely forgiven and forgotten

but… loki still wasn’t accepted by the asgardians, was still mistrusted, was still theoutsider.

because loki is the god of lies, and how can anybody trust someone with that title?

and that, yknow, rightfully pissed him off.  and it basically sparked him into going back down the path of villainy.

and go back in time and try and force ikol to accept that their fate, that loki is only ever going to be hated, is only ever going to be a villain.

and it very nearly works!  largely as a result of king loki’s machinations, ikol ends up, well. 1) thor finds out about kid loki, very nearly kills ikol, and basically disowns them 2) the asgardians basically say that ikol isn’t even worth pretending to care about 3) freyja basically disowns them as well, and sends them into exile

but.  largely because loki made a friend, the absolute best friend in the world, king loki’s plan doesn’t work.

and loki kinda redefines who they are and what a lie is.

“what is a lie, when it’s at home?” … “a lie is a story told, that’s all.”

a story is just a falsehood that people like to hear, that people like to be told.

and we see loki become the god of stories, rather than stay the god of lies

it’s largely the same title, just with a more positive spin to it

they’ve also said that while they have no plans to do anything evil, and that that’s not really who they are anymore, trying to say they haven’t done it or are incapable of it is wholly wrong

and now! stuff that’s actually super relevant to the rp rather than backstory, let’s mcfucking goooo

loki is genderfluid.  it’s a canon fact about this incarnation of loki.

loki has no idea how they feel about chicago.  they’d much prefer to be in new york city, but they’ll take this over a small town

mostly they’re just upset that the technology is so outdated

there’s a 90% chance that if they need money, they’ll steal it.  just bc they’re not evil anymore doesn’t mean they’re good

if you read through all that, i’m sorry and i love you ♥

[bonezone44]

Muddy Waters, pt. 1 (18+)

'Limewash'

Ezra x F!Reader x Joel Miller

Summary: You live with Ezra in Jackson. Joel and Ezra are sometimes partnered for patrol. He doesn't trust Ezra. He doesn't trust you, either, by association, and because you don't have a job. When you finally meet him, he's even less certain than before.

Word Count: 3,5k

next: part 2 (story masterlist) (my masterlist)

tags: NSFW 18+ (not graphic yet). Intuitive!Reader. Afab!Reader (she/they). Southern!Reader. Established Ezra x F!Reader. Pet names: baby. Eventual smut. Eventual cuckold. Eventual threesome (maybe?). Ezra Enjoying Violence. No use of Y/N.

Author's Note: so this is happening. I'm not fighting it and just letting the story come out. Also doing paintings for them because I gotta. I've been reading so much amazing smut recently, this was bound to come out sooner or later. I'm thankful to @toxicanonymity and @walkintotheriveranddisappear for sharing their amazing work and inspiring my own.

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An irritatin’ snake. 

That’s how Joel saw Ezra.

For starters, the man talked too goddamn much. Drove him goddamn crazy when they were out on patrol or in and taking care of the horses. Fucker always had something to say about something and it rode every last nerve Joel had left in his aching body.

Secondly, he was so charming that Joel found it disconcerting. Ezra could make everyone around him smile and feel special. At the Tipsy Bison, when Ezra drank enough to turn his ears pink and his eyes blurry–there’d still be a flirtatious grin plastered on his face. Hell, people loved the man even more when he was drinking. He would finally stop talking so much and listen for once.

But that didn’t mean he was quiet.

Ezra was what people would call an ‘active listener.’ He’d stare into the eyes of whoever was speaking like they were the only other person in the world. He’d follow along real intently, nodding his head, and asking follow-up questions as if he was damn near desperate to learn the answers. He would laugh real loud at any little pun or joke. Shit, he would make even the dullest Jackson had to offer feel like they were a goddamn movie star.

Goddamn! It annoyed the hell out of Joel.

Because thirdly, and most importantly, they didn’t see Ezra’s twitchy fingers or shaking legs when they were alone at night, circling outside the town on horseback. They didn’t see the shift in his face when he would gun down infected–something sick and excited dancing through him. It was even worse when raiders would show up. Ezra looked downright horny.  He’d stroke his gun like it was his own cock blasting holes in people’s heads.

One time, Ezra killed a man and then turned to Joel with a grunt and said, “Doesn’t that feel divine?” He dragged out the word ‘divine’ like he was scraping up poker winnings–slow, indulgent, and haughty.

“Not s’posed to feel good,” Joel chided.

He gave Joel a boyish grin. “Which makes the taste of it that much more ambrosial, don’t it?” He hummed and stared at the barrel of his rifle. “It is an effusive pleasure to be a batter for the winning team.”

Joel scoffed. “Winnin’ ain’t a sure thing.”

Ezra huffed. “I must riposte, brother. We may succumb to a battle or two, but Jackson is winning the long game.”

Joel always twitched when Ezra would call him ‘brother.’ That serpent would never be his kin. “You don’t know that.”

“Sure I do,” Ezra began with his shoulders back and chin high. “Look at history. Look at evolution. Our species thrives with the efforts of cooperation and cohabitation.” He huffed. “And Jackson’s community grows stronger every day.” A gloved finger rose into the air. “Now stay with me for a moment while I explain this.” He paused for dramatic effect to which Joel made no response. “But I believe God sent the fungal plague to start us anew and on an upwardly path.”

Joel’s lip twitched.

“Better the cordyceps than nuclear warheads, in my opinion.” 

Joel glared that much harder.

Ezra held up his palms. “You know as well as I that we were gonna end ourselves on way or another.” He shrugged his shoulder and flicked his head. “At least this way, the earth is still fecund enough for us to plant our virile seed.” Ezra’s left eyebrow curled upward as he chuckled to himself.

Joel huffed all frustrated and leaned forward, resting his elbow on the saddle horn. “How the hell does that make Jackson the winnin team?”

“Raiders are individualistic,” he answered with confidence. “And individualism is a remnant of the old world. Individualism. Capitalism. Monotheism.” He held his palm out wide. “We are evolving beyond it.” He gazed at the dead raider on the ground between them before pointing to it with his rifle. “We’re putting down the dying breeds to secure resources for our symbiotic comrades.” He looked up at Joel again. “And please–” he raised his empty palm. “--do not mistake my analogy for eugenics.” The empty palm found his heart. “We’re killing ideals, not controlling gene pools.”

Joel’s brows shot up. “Are you trying to say that we only killed that man’s hopes and dreams?” He pointed to the body with a thick, gloved finger. “That we didn’t just kill off his family tree?”

“I–” Ezra’s brow furrowed as he solemnly observed the deceased. His lips went tight. “Shit.” He watched the blood soak into the soil. “I guess we are doing a little bit of both, aren’t we?” He looked back up at Joel with that cheerful, boyish smile again.

Joel clenched his teeth. “You gotta be shittin’ me.” He grabbed the reins and tugged his horse back toward the main path.

Ezra held out his arms, gun barrel aimed at the clouds. “No philosophy is perfect, brother. It evolves just as we do on our ascension toward greater realms.”

Joel stopped humoring Ezra after that.

Now you…

Joel wasn’t too sure about you, either. You didn’t have an exact job as far as Joel could tell. You were never on any of the rotations. When he asked Tommy about it in passing, Tommy only said that you ‘contributed in your own way.’

“If you took the time to get to know her, you’d understand,” said Maria.

“Dude, she just gets it,” said Ellie.

Buncha bullshit if you asked Joel.

There was no reason for you to be wandering the town every day without a care in the world, smiling like the sun shined outta your ass and everyone should be kissing you for it. Anytime he did see you in a storefront or at the stables, you weren’t doing anything special. Just… visiting with whoever was doing all the real work.

Like some kinda lazy ass.

He wondered if you were just like Ezra: charming people around you while something twisted boiled underneath.

Were you just as bloodthirsty?

No.

Couldn’t be.

You never ventured beyond the safety of Jackson’s walls and he never saw you arguing with anyone–let alone get into some kinda physical altercation. You seemed pretty happy most of the time. And downright jubilant when you had a few drinks at the bar.

(One time, he saw you gather up a group of women to sit around and play hand games. Hand games. At a goddamn bar. You were singing songs and clapping and even convinced Maria to join and teach everyone the songs that she could remember, too. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Grown women regressing into little girls–and under the influence to boot. There was so much screaming and laughing that the whole bar nearly emptied. Anyone not in on the fun didn’t wanna be anywhere near it. The whole thing bombarded the senses. And then Ellie came home a few days later, clapping her hands and singing the same songs. Joel almost kicked her out the house.)

Were you some kind of a crook? Were you gaining the trust of the people in town as some kind of long con?

It was possible, though unlikely.

And to what end?

You and Ezra seemed so invested. Not just in planting roots for yourselves, but invested in the town in general. Ezra was at every town meeting, offering his opinion and joining the group discussions. Joel never attended himself, but he would hear about it from either Tommy or Maria.

That was another thing! Tommy and Maria liked Ezra, too! They admitted he was ‘interesting’, but couldn’t find any real fault in him.

One night, Joel confronted Tommy about him. 

Joel’s eyes got real wide. “Something’s wrong with that man.”

Tommy laughed. “Everybody’s got somethin wrong with them.”

“You know what I mean.” Joel punctuated his remark with a sneer. Like he was saying something he really meant.

“Look.” Tommy sighed. “I don’t know how to put this, but his wife or partner or however they like to call it–she’s a good influence on him. Keeps him settled, I guess.” He sighed again. “Like… you and Tess,” Tommy added hesitantly.

Joel huffed and clenched his teeth. There was no way. He and Tess were–they were–he and Tess were nothing like Ezra and his ladyfriend. Simple fact. He just didn’t know how to prove it, yet.

For all Joel’s pondering and curiosities–he finally got his chance to talk to you.

You were walking by one morning while he was on his porch drinking coffee. You smiled and waved, he answered by raising his brows at you. But then you stopped dead in your tracks and pointed past him.

“Are those new shutters?” you asked, face all screwed up and confused.

Joel turned his head to see. Even though this was his house. He knew the shutters you were talking about. He turned back to you. “Uhh… yep.”

“When did you put ‘em up?”

Joel’s body tensed. “Last week.”

“Wow. I walk by here every day. I don’t remember even seeing you workin on ‘em.” You shook your head. “How long did it take?” You weren’t smiling or sunny when you asked him, either. You looked downright offended for some reason that Joel couldn’t quite figure.

“Couple days,” he answered with tight lips. He wasn’t sure where your questions were trying to take him.

“Well, shit.” You put your hands on your hips. “How did I miss all that?” You tilted your head and pointed again. “Did you thin out some paint or is that a real lime wash?”

“‘S a wash,” he said. “Don’t gotta prime it or nothin nowadays.”

“Ohh, okay.” You shrugged. “It looks really good.” And while you were giving him a compliment, your face said ‘meh.’

“Thanks.” He glowed a little in his chest. He could tell that you meant it. That you weren’t just being polite.

And Joel didn’t know what made him say it, but he followed up with, “I did the kitchen table, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head back. “C’mere. I’ll show ya.”

Next thing he knew, Joel was talking to you about a country music festival he went to when he was 25. It was just him and his old friend, Andrew. Andrew had bought tickets for them and even secured a sitter for Sarah. They spent the whole weekend sleeping and drinking in the back of his truck, singing songs and saying hi to all the pretty girls that walked by.

And when the story was over, and you both said your good-byes, Joel felt more confused than anything. He held a glass of water in his hand. His throat had gone dry. He wasn’t used to speaking that much, because, yeah, Joel just spoke a lot. A lot a lot. More than he’d spoken in years maybe.

And he felt good. Real good. Like a high flutter in his chest that got him all excited to go out and do something. Do something fun just for the fun of it.

But… why?

All he did was show you some work he’d done on the house. Then he saw his guitar and talked about playing again. Then that turned into talking about the music he liked. Then somehow he remembered that festival. Clear as day. After not thinking about it for over two decades.

And all you did was listen.

You just visited.

But it got him all excited. Like he was a little boy making a new best friend.

But… how?

Joel couldn’t make sense of it. And he didn’t have anyone to talk to about it either.

He didn’t like that something so simple could feel so good. He didn’t like that you didn’t do any of the talking. He was supposed to figure you out. Figure out you and Ezra. But this just made him even more confused.

You didn’t listen like Ezra did–all hyped up and dramatic. You made a comment here or there, but nothing significant enough to recall. And you barely asked him any follow up questions.

But you smiled when he said something nice. Chuckled when he said something funny. It was like you were water–rippling out and taking shape in whatever manner he needed you to. Whatever kept the words flowing out of his dry, creaky throat.

But people weren’t water. People were people. They had opinions and wants and needs. And no one could be that easy going, that passive, that submissive without expecting something in return.

Joel needed to figure you out. He just needed to figure out how to figure you out.

+++++++

Now that Joel had officially met you, he couldn’t find you anywhere. He stopped seeing you walking around town. He stopped seeing you in the storefronts. You weren’t around during mealtimes or at the bar at night, either. It was like you up and vanished.

He knew nothing bad had happened. It was a small town. Word traveled fast. If anything had gone wrong, he’d have heard about it an hour later. Two hours, tops. And Ezra would certainly not be walking around so cheerily.

The whole thing was making him all sick in the stomach. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, worrying about you, looking for you. He made to ask Tommy or Maria, but the words never breached his lips. It felt wrong. Like he was gonna expose something about himself that he didn’t want them to know.

If he had known where you lived, he would have shown up at your house. Shit, the man even tried to follow Ezra home a couple of times–lurking in the shadows, stepping real light. But there was always something ruining his efforts. A loud tumble of cans falling over behind the general store. A small group of drunks walking by and talking loud. A goddamn dog barking at him.

Shit.

It pained him–greatly, he might add–but he knew what he had to do. 

He had to talk to Ezra.

Joel waited until they were paired up again for patrol–well, no. That’s not true. He switched shifts with someone to hurry it all up. But nevertheless, he waited until they were alone and out of earshot of anyone else, lest they get the wrong idea about Joel. He was just wondering about her. That’s all. Nothing untoward about it.

Joel cleared his throat, trotting alongside Ezra in the bright light of the full moon. “How’s your uh… ladyfriend doin?”

“Ladyfriend, huh?” Ezra teased. “I like that word. I don’t know how I ever forgot about that one.”

Joel rolled his eyes.

Ezra chuckled. “She’s doin alright.”

Joel slid his jaw side to side. “Haven’t seen her around in a while.”

“Yeah, she gets like that sometimes,” Ezra murmured.

“Is-is somethin wrong? Did somethin happen?” Joel asked, concern evident on his brow.

Ezra’s eyes found Joel. He sized him up as they made their way around the north end of the woods. After what felt to Joel like twenty fuckin minutes, Ezra looked away and sighed. “Look,” he said. “There is no need for you or anyone else to worry–”

“Worry ‘bout what?” Joel’s heart raced in his chest. His hands gripped tight around the reins, leather gloves squeaking. He’d go straight back to town if he had to–patrol protocol be damned.

“She has this feeling that someone is looking for her.”

Joel blinked. “What?”

Ezra sighed again. “She gets the feelings sometimes and sometimes she has misread her notions and sometimes they are accurate.” He stared off. “Disconcertingly accurate, to be honest with you.”

“Once,” Ezra began. “In our early days together, I got shot in my arm.” He pointed to his right bicep. “It wasn’t direct, but it wasn’t a slug, either.” He laughed and shook his head. “This asshole in a fuckin 49er’s cap was firing buckshot.” He looked at Joel with wide eyes. “Can you believe that shit? Buckshot. And the 49ers? Who in the hell liked the 49ers?” He huffed and wiped his mouth. “Now this all transpired down in Louisiana where I was born and raised. At the time, we were somewhere a little east of Houma, which if you don’t know, is mired in swamps and bayous and just… water, water everywhere.” Ezra gazed through the thick of evergreens, sucking fresh air through his nose. “And I was not thinkin clearly at the time.” He rolled his shoulders, eyes blank in disbelief. “Maybe it was the oppressive summer heat or the unrelenting humidity, but I washed the wound with some contaminated water.” He sighed. “As soon as I unveiled my hardship to her, she took one look and said, ‘We’re going to LSU.’” He shrugged. “That’s all,” he said. “And I can remember thinkin to myself, ‘LSU? Where the hell did that idea come from?’ We had been trying to go back east. I wanted to keep trekkin towards Florida, hopin we might find some help along the way, but she told me no. Said we had to go north. Go get our purple and gold on, I suppose.” He grimaced. “We walked a day straight. Now I mean that.” He stressed his words with widened eyes. “Twenty four hours of walkin. No little catnaps under the shady oak trees or dippin our toes into the creek.” He took a deep breath. “A whole day.” He exhaled laboriously.

“And I… started gettin feverish toward the end of our journey.” He closed his eyes. “I could feel every little pellet as it pulsed and bulged with pus beneath my skin.” He shuddered and opened his eyes. “I thought I was gonna start devolving into the Thing. Thought I was gonna have to strap dynamite to my torso and blow myself into smithereens.” He threw his arm up, exasperated. “She wouldn’t let me search any of the Eckerds or pharmacies we passed. Wouldn’t let me stop walkin neither.” He laughed dryly and sighed. “We make it to the LSU campus. We walk up to the gates.” He threw his arm up again. “And those people took us right in. No questions asked.” It was a good thing, but Ezra sounded so frustrated. “Got me cleaned and bandaged. They fed us.” He shook his head. “They even gave us each a new pair of shoes. Nike’s.” He looked in Joel in whole-hearted disbelief. “Swoosh on ‘em and everything.” He huffed out a laugh. “She just knew. She knew where to go and how to get us in. Didn’t need a map. We were out and exposed, walkin along the main roads. And when we got there, she spoke to the doctors and got me a change of clothes, too.” He chuckled. “She slept about a week straight after all of it was said and done, though. Poor thing could barely stay awake long enough to eat.” He hummed. “She had exhausted her mind, body, and soul to get me to where I needed to go.” He smiled with tender warmth. “I am forever grateful to her for that.”

“Sh-she just… knew?” Joel asked.

“She just knew.”

“Y-you think she’s right this time, too?” 

Ezra threw his head back and laughed. “Now, she is resolute to be right and true this time.” He grinned. “Her worries are beginnin to snake themselves into my mind, as well.” He turned to Joel with a playful smirk. “Past few days I could have sworn someone was following me in town.” He shook his head, still smiling. “But I know there’s no real danger in Jackson and the daily reports offer nothing of significance. I am inclined to believe that she has misread her notions again.” He sniffed. “‘Cause the real danger–” He pointed to the words with his chin. “The real danger is all out here.” He narrowed his eyes as his breaths grew heavy.

Joel watched as Ezra gripped the horn of his saddle with both hands, leather gloves twisting and creaking. He lewdly rolled his hips into the rise of his seat with a grunt.

Ezra turned back to Joel with a devilish grin–leaning toward him with slack shoulders. “Let’s go kill us some infected, brother.” He bit his lip before turning and trotting deeper into the trees.

Joel sucked his teeth. “Sick fuck,” he said under his breath and followed.

+++++

The following morning, Ezra woke you up on the couch after returning home from patrol. He pet your shoulder while you laid wrapped in your blanket.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered.

“Hey,” you mumbled with your eyes closed.

“How you feelin?”

“Like shit.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” he cooed.

You didn’t move. Only grunted.

“Guess who was askin’ after you?”

You grunted again.

“Joel Miller.”

‘Joel Miller?’ you thought. ‘Why?’

Then it clicked.

Fear left your mind and body and was quickly replaced with fury.

You shot up with a gasp. “Oh my god!” you shouted.

“What?” Ezra reeled back with his palms up in surrender. “What?”

“That’s who’s been lookin for me!” You balled up your blanket with righteous anger and hopped up from the couch. You threw the tangled wool fabric to the floor. The fact that it was too soft to make a sound when it hit the wood just pissed you off even more.

“Him?” Ezra’s eyes glittered, a small smile on his lips.

You squeezed your fists tight. “That motherfucker!”

+++++

-----

part 2

(story masterlist)

(my masterlist)

[somanydifferentthings]

11 questions game

So, I got tagged by @slytherinvalues a couple days ago and for some reason the mail that I was tagged didn’t come through and I only just saw it. Anyways, thanks for tagging me, love!

1. if you can travel to and live in a fictional world, which one would you go to?

I think I would like to live in Wakanda (disregarding Infinity War). There are so many other places I would love to live in that would be way too dangerous and Wakanda just seems like the perfect place to do science-y stuff and learn so much and I love to learn new things.

2. do you think unconditional love exists? do you think it would happen on you?

I so think unconditional love exists. However, I don’t think love between romantic partners is unconditional. I think the only real unconditional love exists between parents and their children. And sure, it doesn’t exist for all children and their parents but I think that the only truly unconditional love is between parents and their child. Like, I know that my mum wants me to do shit and achieve things and do good in life and live my very best life and she will give me shit for not doing my best but she will always love me and that love really isn’t conditional to doing well or being successful or being good or straight or normal or whatever. The only thing I have to do/be for her to love me is to be her daughter and that will never change. And the same thing also counts for my father. I would also like to think that when I have children that I will be able to present them with the same unconditional love I got from my parents.

3. talk about your fav show/movie/anime/musical/book and why everyone who just go watch/read that already

it is really really hard for me to pick one. there are just so many good shows/movies/musicals/books that I would like to share but I’ll pick one book and two movies. The movie: The Perks of being a Wallflower I think everyone should see this movie. I think it’s beautifully made, it gives you pretty much the full spectrum of emotions over the course of the movies, it deals with mental health issues in a way that is (pretty) far from ideal but (at least that’s what I feel) is pretty realistic instead. It also has to of my top (gorgeous) actors: Emma Watson and Ezra Miller and everyone should appreciate them as well as all the other amazing actors that are part of this movie. It is literally one of my all time-favorite movies. (this movie is based on a book but I have not read that book and can therefore not comment on whether it’s good or maybe even better than the film) The book (and also the movie to it, really): Call Me By Your Name This book is so beautifully written, it makes you want to be in Italy and spend your own beautiful and exciting and emotional summer there. This also has happy and sad and exciting and sexy parts and when I read the fourth (and final part) of this book I cried so much that I couldn’t even see the pages anymore and I am not a big crier. The book, the audio book and the movie are all three amazing and pull you in, they make you want to be part of this story and they make you want to have a story like Elio (and Oliver)’s. The second movie: Honig im Kopf / Head Full Of Honey. I don’t think there is an English translation for it, but there are versions with subtitles out there. It’s a beautiful story that shows the adventures of a family where the grandfather has Alzheimers. It deals with it beautifully and, once again, makes you want to be there and have just as much fun and adventure and excitement as the characters in the movie. (here is a trailer)

4. what is one thing you’ve learned as truth as a kid that you know now is a wrong thing

I can’t really think of anything other than the Easter Bunny being real. 

5. what question would you ask a person you’ve just met to know about them more deeply?

Maybe something along the lines of “tell me about something you’re passionate about” but I’m not really sure

6. do you like talking to a stranger? why or why not?

I do sometimes enjoy a good talk with a stranger. It just gives you an outsider who doesn’t really know anything other than what you tell them and even if they were to judge you for something, it doesn’t matter as much because you’ll never see them again anyways. That makes it easier to open up about certain things that would be hard to talk about to friends or people who you’ve known for a while. It really does depend on my mood whether I am actually up for it now though. Sometimes I have severe bouts of social anxiety or mad depressive episodes and then I definitely don’t want to talk to a stranger.

7. what is one activity that you could do forever without being bored of it?

I’d say it’s a tie between reading, singing and travelling. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t want to be travelling all the time, I’d want to be home as well, but I don’t think I could ever get sick of taking time for travelling. Same with singing and reading as well. I wouldn’t want to have to do it at all times, but I don’t think I will ever get sick of singing or reading.

8. pineapple belongs on pizza. agree? fight me on this

I really don’t like pineapple on pizza and I used to feel very strongly about this but I had to find that pasta bolognese tastes good on pizza and french fries taste good on pizza and steak, asparagus and sauce hollandaise taste good on pizza and these are all things that I would have been convinced that they should never ever be on a pizza and yet, I found that I kind like them. I don’t really like most sweet things in salty food though, which is probably where my aversion of pineapple on pizza comes from but it is getting better as my taste evolves and I grow older. I am mostly a ‘never say never’ person. I have changed my mind too much over to years to properly say never for most things.

9. what is your humour like?

dark, punny, sarcastic, meme-y, bad, stupid, whatever. It is pretty much all over the place

10. is there one person whom you would never forgive?

At the moment, I really can’t think of anyone that I would NEVER forgive. There are a couple people that I will not forgive for a very long time though.

11. tell me your best birthday memory

Well, I’ve planned most of my birthdays myself which made most of them turn out pretty much exactly the way I wanted them to, but the first memory that comes to mind is actually from back when I turned 4 (I think, could be 5 though). I actually sprained my ankle (I had to go to the emergency room and get an actual thin cast on my foot) the evening before and could therefore not walk which really screwed with the party plans my mother had and with getting to kindergarten via scooter so my dad took me by car and carried me in on his shoulders which was already glorious and then (because it was by birthday) I got to sit on the big birthday throne with my foot up on another chair and everyone was singing to me and some kids drew on my cast and it was all proper exciting and then my actual birthday party was still happening in the afternoon but instead of all the activities we only did the ones I could do and then watched a movie and then we had a second, smaller one a week or two later when I got my cast off.

So, I tag @slytherinvalues @im-a-slut-for-an-accent @emilyevanston @teckmonky @teamcap4bucky to answer the following eleven questions:

1. What is something you are really passionate about?

2. (kinda copying Jimmy Kimmel here) If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, dead or alive, where would you take them and what would you eat (and, if you want who would you take)?

3. What is something you are really proud of achieving? Maybe something nobody thought you could do?

4. What do you think is something like the perfect number (and genders) of children for them to get along perfectly?

5. What is a food that totally surprised you when you first had it? Bad or good.

6. If you could speak only one language from now on (that is not English) which would you choose and why?

7. You are an amazing human. What is one things that makes you outstanding?

8. Is there one thing that you’ve always wanted to learn? What is holding you back from doing so?

9. Would you rather have one billion dollars or always have the right amount of money in your pocket for what you need to be happy in that moment?

10. If your future self were to visit you from thirty years from now were to visit you right now, what is something that you’d want them to feel like they want to tell you. 

11. Are you a dog or a cat person?

[fuforthought]

Justice League review...

“Justice League” is a DELICIOUS ten course meal except, for some reason, ever two courses or so, your waiter brings you a plate of human shit.

You don’t have to like the shit. You can ask the waiter to stop bringing you the shit. But it keeps coming and, once it’s gone, you resume eating your incredibly, delictible feast.

In short, I really liked “Justice League”. After viewing the trailers, my expectations were all but in the trash but, for some reason, the film just worked for me. Maybe TOO much, in fact. Like, I REALLY fucking liked it.

There are moments it’s terrible. The Flash is fucking horrible. Actually, let me correct that, every LINE Flash says is fucking horrible. Every...single...one. It’s ridiculous how many of his zingers don’t hit. And this is coming from a guy who’d probably have sex with Ezra Miller if asked nicely.

There are other things too: Batman’s silly goggles, Cyborg saying “boo-yah”...little shit. But the film is just so goddamn entertaining. Batman gets to do his Batman thing. Not enough (there’s too much reliance on his bat-machine guns later on in the film) but he does. And he looks great. Aquaman is phenomenal. He doesn’t get to say enough but when he shows off his powers, it’s dreamy.

And that’s why “Justice League” works. It’s a bunch of characters showing off just how dope they are. Wonder Woman shines here. Flash has his moments and even Batman hand-to-hands some flying bugs. It’s bloody great. I wasn’t sure what to expect from Cyborg and while I’m not sure I like his powers, they use him VERY well.

The plot’s simple, the villain is a genuine threat (he’s strong as fuck) and, quite frankly, the return of Superman features one of the best good guy scuffles you’ll see outside “Civil War”.

Complaints are rife about the CGI in the film. I didn‘t see any of it. It all looked glorious. Steppenwolf’s mouth looks odd here and there...but that’s it. People also complain that it’s cheesy. Yeah, the script attempts comedy that falls flat every time but that’s a tiny percentage of the film. Everything else works perfectly well. Even the character development is solid. Very solid in places. Relationships are formed and they seem genuine.

There are moments in the film where I literally went “Oh shit!” like a school boy. I had a eleven year old’s boner throughout. That sounds weird.

Sue me. I fucking loved it. It’s not as good as “Thor 3” but it shits over critically acclaimed “gems” like the turgid “Baby Driver”. Honestly, let your inner child come out, hold back the pompous critic in you and let “Justice League” be what it is: kids playing with action figures on the big screen. It’s REALLY fucking fun.

[nednapah]

Fan account of Sons of an Illustrious Father at Obaren (Stockholm, Sweden)

Soooo me and one of my closest friends, @imbossthatswhy​, went to go see the Sons of an Illustrious father show on the 13th of September in Stockholm, Sweden. I’m a bit late in writing this as I have been super busy working.

That show was so awesome. The vibe, the love, the overall good feels everywhere was so entoxicating. 

Just gonna recap this adventure so I can remember it in the future cause I have a shit memory.

We live in Denmark so first of all we had to get to Sweden. Day of our trip, I find out that I forgot my passport so I had like severe anxiety the whole journey to Stockholm and tried to get my friends to take a picture of my passport for me, just in case you know. Luckily, we weren’t checked so we made it safely to Stockholm and checked into our hostel. So, we wander around a bit, grab a coffee and try to get a grip of our nervousness. A lot of cigarettes were smoked on this 1-day trip.

We walk around a bit trying to locate Obaren but we’re hella confused ‘cause we see a seemingly swanky restaurant where the place should be at. We’re confused but determined to find the place. We end up going inside and my girl asks one of the workers where the bar is. She leads us into the swanky restaurant and towards some hidden stairs. We’re both like...what? How were we supposed to be able to find this place? Anywaaaays...We get there and we both don’t know what to do with ourselves. The door was closed and the facebook event said that the doors first opened at 8 pm but I checked the door just to be sure. It wasn’t locked or anything but all I could see was the stairs and some lights. No music, just silence so I went out again. 

We went outside to smoke a bit more and kill some time because we were there about 2 hours before opening because we were expecting there to be a queue. There wasn’t but we did run into a few people that came early like us. We met this one guy, who is now our friend, who was carrying a DC tote bag around along with wearing a Batman shirt, so we knew he must’ve been there to see Ezra. Luckily my friend is like super extroverted so she started all the conversations. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without her because I am extremely introverted and I don’t know how to strike up a conversation.

We end up going inside to wait in front of the Obaren door again. We wait some more and then suddenly the band comes downstairs and I was just gob smacked cause there he was. Ezra fucking Miller. I usually don’t get star struck because I work with actors and musicians as well but I could just feel my knees get weak when I saw him. First word that struck me about him was aloof because of the way that he walked around. Josh Aubin close behind and then Lilah Larson at the back. They went around a corner and then I didn’t see them again. At this point me and my friends were low key freaking out at the close proximity of the band.

We wait some more and people started eventually going into the bar. On my way up, I see the band and Ezra’s bodyguard sitting at a table waiting to get served. Struck again by awe by the casualness of it all.

So we get in and find some really good seats right by the edge of the scene at the bottom of the stairs that were there. We order beers and just start chatting again about how excited we all are.

I decide to go out to smoke to try and take my edge off and pass by the band’s table where they are all engaged in conversation. I hurry on out cause I really needed that smoke now. Finish smoking, pass the table again and rejoin my friends.

Time passes and eventually Ezra’s bodyguard comes to take a look at the accessibility point for the band to get up on stage. Some people were moved out of the way because they were sitting on the stairs. Me and my friends look at each other and concluded that the band was going to pass right by us when they were gonna go up on stage. We get even more excited.

The time finally comes. I see Ezra’s bodyguard closely tailed by Liliah, Josh & Ezra. They walk right past us and get up on stage. Ezra’s bodyguard stays down by the end of the stairs right next to me.

Lilah, Josh and Ezra then proceed to hug each other in one big group hug before settling at their instruments and starting the show. They started off with my favorite song, U.S. Gay. Lilah managed to break the A-string on the guitar early in the show. She was rocking out too hard I guess. The band proceeds to play songs (even with guitar) and change between singing and playing different instruments.

All in all, the performance was amazing! They all really did great. The energy shared between them was just awesome and ugh…I just can’t put into words how happy I am to have experienced them.

After they finished the show, we just sort of bask in the glory that was SOAIF.

Afterwards we see Lilah standing by the merch table so we walk over and wait in line to say hi to her. There was a lot of movement all of the sudden and I just remember being hella confused as to what was happening. My friend then proceeded to tell me that Ezra was out and that our new friend had made a beeline towards him. We had promised each other to take pictures of us interacting with him earlier in the evening so I just tried to keep up with them with my phone ready. So I’m there taking pictures of our new friend while he is talking and taking pictures with Ezra. After he was done with his interaction, people started moving again. My friend asks out loud what we’re all asking “Wait, what’s going on?”

Ezra heard her and replied back with “Oh, I’m a fire hazard so we’re just moving over here.” All smiles and everything. We just laugh at each other and then wait in line in front of Ezra. My friend starts talking to Ezra and I’m just behind her playing paparazzi cause we’re probably not gonna have an opportunity like this again. Everything must be documented! After a few hundred pictures (gonna be honest, my finger barely left that camera function) and some more waiting it was my turn. My friend managed to tell me that Ezra had stolen her pen and that I needed to get it back. No probs! Now it was my turn.

Eek. My mind turned to mush as I stepped in front of Ezra. This was a whole new thing compared to watching him perform. I lean in to talk to him because the venue had now turned into a club and loud music was blaring out of the speakers and some partygoers had arrived. I was super clumsy with my words cause, hahahahaha, introvert here! I am verbally incapable of making a good first impression. Didn’t tell him anything remarkably memorable because brain was mush. All I could manage to say to him was that I’ve been a fan since I saw him in “We Need To Talk About Kevin”. He replied with “Oh, that’s a long time!” I forget to tell him that I actually only saw that movie last year and just start giggling nervously. The one thing that I did notice throughout our interaction was how intense his eye contact is. He kept eye contact the whole time I was fumbling with my words and I swear he has the most kind eyes ever. I proceed to ask for an autograph and he just looks after a pen. “Oh, yeah you kinda stole my friends pen” I tell him as I find it on the table next to him. “Ah, yeah I have a habit of stealing things” he jokes to me whereas I reply with “Don’t we all though sometimes?” I then ask to take some pictures with him. He just goes “Alriiiight” and smiles at me. I tell him that I’m gonna take a few hundred pictures and he says something that I can’t remember and starts to laugh a little.

After the photos, I just thank him for coming somewhere remotely close to where I’m from (Denmark), give him a big hug and then I went on my way cause I wanted everyone that came to have a chance to talk and take pictures with him. I really didn’t want to take up more time than was necessary even though I could have stayed in front of him babbling like in idiot for hours. Also if you get a chance to get hugged by Ezra, GRAB HIM AND HOLD HIM CAUSE HIS HUGS ARE SO WARM AND LOVING. I could’ve died a happy woman on the spot.

I then turn to Ezra’s bodyguard who was standing right behind him and I just had to pay him a compliment. I told him that I had always seen him in pictures and thought that he had the most awesome style. He thanks me and pulls me in for a hug and gives me a kiss on my forehead. I then ask him how long they’ve been in Sweden for and if he has enjoyed himself. They were here for 2 days and yes they had been enjoying themselves. 

I regroup with my friends and we’re just so fucking excited cause we just met friggen’ Ezra Miller. Our new friend had to leave so we said goodbye to him.

Me and my girl then scan the room and see that Josh is now by the merch table so we finally go there to take a look at the merch as well. I found the pin that I had previously seen on their website but was sold out. So I ask for one of them and ask how much it costs and how to pay for it. We were told that we could download an app to pay for it or pay in Swedish kroners. New dilemma. I thought that they would have had a terminal to buy merch with so I’m slightly distressed by the thought that I wouldn’t be going home with that little pin as something else to remember the night by. So I ask the lady that I thought was in charge of the merch of what we could do so I could pay for it. She said that I had to ask Josh about it cause it was after all the bands’ merch. My friend jumps in and starts asking Josh if there was any other way that we could pay for the pins for (cause she wanted one as well). We tell him that we came from Denmark to see them and that we didn’t have any Swedish kroners or card to pay with. Josh just looks at the pin and then at her and me and quietly just tells us to take it. 

MY heart! My itty bitty heart couldn’t handle him being adorable. We thank him profusely and I gush about how I loved the gig that night. The whole vibe and them were just absolute love. Then I ask him if I could take some pictures with him. He gladly obliges and I take a few photos with him as well and invite him and the band to Denmark. I also got his autograph.

I had a much easier time talking with Josh cause he felt somewhat as awkward as I normally am. I then tell him that if they ever need a tour guide or a friend in Denmark then they can just go ahead and contact me as I dig out one of my business cards and give it to him. I then tried to look around after Lilah but I didn’t see her anywhere. I then ask out loud where she is and Josh starts looking around for her as well. “Hmm, I don’t know actually.” I thank him a lot again and then try and move out of the way cause I noticed that a lot of people had started queueing up for the merch.

I get out in the middle of some open area and reestablish some composure again. My friend and I have literally turned into teenagers again and are just so completely stoked by the whole concert and meeting the band. We compare autographs and I honestly felt a little let down because Ezra had written “Get it” along with his autograph on hers while he only wrote his name on mine. She said that she was gonna go back to him and get some new pictures cause hers didn’t turn out that well. I asked her if she could get him to write something a little more personal for me as well and then she was off. There were still a few folks in line waiting to meet Ezra and honestly....The face he makes when he’s hugging is just ugh...So serene, so peaceful. I couldn’t help but take a series of photos as well when he was hugging another fan.He hugged her for the longest time also and I was just thinking...”Yes, girl...I understand. You hug the hell out of him!”

I got some more photos of her with him and could see that she got some more photos in as well. She then takes out her little booklet with our autographs in it and I can see that she’s explaining what I asked to him. He took the longest time to write out the note and I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw what took such a long time.

What an adorable bean!

Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t just ask him myself. Now looking back at it, I could’ve gone back for more hugs and a more personal note. I’m an utter idiot. 

But yeah, she got new photo’s and I got myself a more personal note. All in all a happy camper! 

Still think that I’m an idiot though for not going back for seconds.

But yeah, that was our night. Totally worth all the anxiety.

We never saw Lilah but if I get another chance to see the band again, then she is the first person I’m going to after the show!

[agneshq]

are you there god? it’s me, nico, and i have some beef with u !! anyway, poor attempt at a quirky intro aside, i’m 18,  est & they/them. currently, i am in my senior year of high school and i’ve finished all my college applications (god bless) and got some acceptances so far, so senioritis is hitting me hella hard. anyway !! that means that i will probably be on here all the time lmao. uhhhhhhhhhh i’m almost always on disc*rd ( add me ! keithkogane#3129 ) it’s definitely much more easier for me to plot there than it is here. speaking of, if you would like to plot, please don’t hesitate to message me or like this post !! ok cool now enough about myself, here’s my little piece of shit.

( asa butterfield, they/them, eighteen ) — have you seen agnes byrnes , the biomedical engineering student around oxford yet? i hear they can be perverse and reticent, but those who know them insist that they are pragmatic and perceptive. rumour has it that following their grandfather’s death, they developed a percocet addiction. is it true? only time will tell. 

biography ( aka literally just bullet points outlining their life)    !

agnes adrian byrnes was born to a young mother who longed for a baby girl to push her dreams and desires on and an older father who ached for a manly son to teach him sports and how to follow in his footsteps. what they got was neither of these perfect imagined children.

their mother, margo, comes from a family that owns a still growing empire of chain convenience stores. their father, patrick, comes from a poor family that didn’t know if they’d have electricity the next day. the two fell in love quickly, and soon after agnes was born, they fell out of love. however, being the selfish man he was, patrick couldn’t bring himself to divorce himself of his wife’s riches.

**TERMINAL ILLNESS, DEATH TW** margo was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer on agnes’s fifth birthday, and ended up dying the next year on christmas day. for the short time that they had known their mom, agnes was very attached to her. **TW OVER**

the next person that agnes grew very attached to was their grandfather from their mother’s side. after her passing, they could only be satiated by the vivid fantasy tales that their grandfather weaved before their very eyes. 

**ABUSE TW** their father, on the other hand, grew increasingly more strict on agnes. they missed school for stretches of time every month, recovering from bruises and broken bones. during their tenth year of school, patrick came home so past drunk, that there wasn’t an ounce of sober in him. that night was also the night that he smashed agnes’s head into a metal railing, causing them permanent loss of hearing in their left ear. **TW OVER**

**DEATH TW** again, the only structured thing that held agnes together was their grandfather, so when they found him in their last year of school, lying on the driveway with his head smashed in next to a crowbar and blood pooling around their feet, they didn’t know what to do with themself. **TW OVER**

**DRUG ADDICTION TW** they called it acute stress disorder. it wasn’t something they completely understood. agnes showed up to therapy session after therapy session, going no where. eventually, they began to fake that they were better, saying that they were responding positively to the SSRIs they were prescribed. in reality, they weren’t taking the SSRIs. instead, they found comfort in popping percocet a few times a week. for now, it hasn’t gone past a maximum of four a week, but they have considered increasing intake. **TW OVER**

headcanons !

they rarely talk to people they have just met and a very closed off. however, it is easy for them to snap at anyone. 

uhhhhhhh never been in a relationship before they just dont got the time double majoring and shit. but their orientation is towards guys/masc presenting folks.

deaf in their left ear if ya didnt get that from the bio/didnt read it ( i wouldnt blame you aklsjfhkjdfg ) & no one really knows about that or any of their past tbh

really into everything science/mathematics/basically anything academic

when they’re close to someone they often dont stop talking about their interests once prompted

really practical. doesnt buy shit they dont need. everything has a purpose. had the same wardrobe since they’ve been 16 tbh.

really unconscious about their height as they’ve always been made to seem smaller than their dad. they stand at 6′0ft, but always slouch to divert attention away from themself.

stubborn as hell and doesnt take pity from anyone at all

scars all over. has a few cigarette burns on their arms. still usually wears long sleeves

bad at socializing

still works as a waiter to get some extra money to put in savings and shit

highkey loves nature and takes every chance they can to study outside

on the otherhand, libraries are their sanctuary and spends a lot of time there.

reads everything from comics to medical journals.

probably only has a few friends

too scared to have a close connection with anyone. scared of touch but yearns it.

wasn’t originally meant to join domus but they were accidentally chosen. they just went with it because they really didn’t have anything better to do.

bikes because they dont have a car

doesn’t drink/do drugs/smoke

connection ideas !

enemies !! who needs friends when you just hate everyone lmao. uhhhhh academic rivals, i hate you just to hate you rivals, i’ve got a real reason to hate you rivals.

(unrequited) crush !! either ur muse got a crush on harley or vice versa idc

friends !! probably doesn’t have many but the ones they do have, they are very close to

ex friend !!

bad influence !!

study buddies !!

that 1 person who might know whats going on with them

idk im open to anything and everything !! it’s 9:10 and im half way through justice league i love ezra miller so much holy fuck

[freshginandtonic]

I Just Haven't MET You Yet: Thoughts on the Super Bowl of Fashion

The Met Gala is the the Olympics of fashion. As my title suggests, it has been called the Super Bowl of fashion. Athletes train for years - buffed and polished to an inch of their life to go out there and achieve excellence in sport. For the Met it’s excellence in fashion. Once a year, we (or at least my mother and myself) wait with bated breath to see what everyone wears.

As many of us are currently, I am working from home at the minute - today before I started my commute (15 seconds from my bed to my desk), instead of activewear I decided to put on my designated fancy ass velvet dress I bought about four years ago that I now wear to any vaguely formal occasion (with an abundance of tape to deal w how low cut it is) - and a puffer jacket (it’s cold af in my room) to commemorate the gala.

This year’s theme was supposed to be ‘About Time: Fashion and Duration’ I googled this concept and found the following information on the Met’s website: “it will explore how clothes generate temporal associations that conflate past, present, and future. Virginia Woolf will serve as the "ghost narrator" of the exhibition.”

My thoughts on this are as follows: firstly, ‘About Time’ is a great film if you haven’t seen it. Secondly, clothes conflating the past present and future - it’s a big yes from me. Thirdly, can Virginia Woolf serve as the ghost narrator of my entire life? What an idea.

The co-chairs this year were going to be Anna Wintour, Meryl Streep, Emma Stone, Lin-Manuel Miranda and Nicolas Ghesquiere. I mean, that list in itself is like a dream party list because you just know you’ll be getting a Streep-Stone-Miranda musical number in between drinks and dinner. I also don’t really know what being a co-chair of the event MEANS, but I’m guessing its some kind of vague organisational role where but you defer to Anna on everything - basically a school captain and principal set up.

For those of you who want a quick crash course in the, who, the what and the why I’m even talking about this gala thing here’s the tea: The Met Gala is the annual fundraising gala for the benefit of the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute in New York City and marks the opening of the Costume Institute's annual fashion exhibit. Vogue have just done a video to explain the history so pls get enlightened.

However if you want more than 6 minutes and 50 seconds of how it all works, look no further than the 2016 documentary ‘The First Monday in May’. The film covers the months leading up to the 2015 Gala and the night itself. The theme that year was ‘China: Through The Looking Glass’, and it was all about the impact of Chinese design on Western fashion over the centuries.

The film is a huge eye opener into the pressure, time constraints, and sheer elbow grease that goes into the event. It’s also the closest thing to The Devil Wears Prada I’ve seen since ‘The September Issue’ . Anna Wintour flits around the museum with her sunnies and her giant cup of Starbucks, and scenes of Anna’s assistant and event organisers excessively vetting people from the guest list (“Josh Hartnett? What has he done lately?”) are amazing but also can you IMAGINE watching it and seeing them bitch about you?! Quelle nightmare.

Also if you’re a nosy Parker like me fun fact you can pause on the shots of the seating charts, and see who’s sitting next to who - I managed to squint and see Baz Luhrmann next to Jennifer Lawrence, Amal Clooney next to Tom Ford, and‘Jared Leto TBC’. How ominous.

As I mentioned earlier the show I work on covers the Met Gala - and yes, thanks to the time difference ‘the First Tuesday in May’ really doesn’t have the same snazzy ring to it. So come last year we were prepared to report on it - in 2020, I recalled it fondly, and also stressfully with my bosses video calling me at 7:30 this morning to remind me it was Met Gala Day and giving me a triple bypass in the process.

From my memory, the Queen of Camp at the 2019 gala was Lady Gaga - I remember watching her pink carpet entrance at work (I was the Met Gala producer that day - definitely not a real thing) and realising that every time I looked up at my screen she had a different outfit on - I believe there were four in total, which gave me palpitations at the time as I had to have three separate slabs of overlay to show the transition between her looks - but now a full year later I can appreciate her sheer artistry.

The 2019 theme was ‘Camp: Notes on Fashion.’ The exhibit was inspired by Susan Sontag's 1964 essay that defines camp as "love of the unnatural: of artifice and exaggeration.” It’s something that Sontag describes as “esoteric - something of a private code, a badge of identity even, among small urban cliques.” It seems to me that’s the best way to describe the Gala itself? Something out of the ordinary, opulent and pretty much unattainable to normal people looking in from the outside that manages to seduce us all every year.

There were so many great looks last year I can’t possibly go through them all, so quick honourable mentions to the following: Harry Styles , Ezra Miller, Lily Collins, Irina Shayk, Kim Kardashian, and Hamish Bowles to name far too few. Also some great online stuff came out as well: this movie trailer for the event and this brilliant video showing how the Vogue social media team handled the event.

Despite all this, I have to say that yes, while the ‘Camp’ year was, indeed shit hot, and I lived for every moment of it, my favourite year was in fact 2017.

The theme was ‘Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination’, and after 13 years of Catholic education and living with a deeply religious grandmother who keeps a bunch of icons around our house I can firmly say Alleluia and Thanks Be to God. The main thing I remember from this year was this amazing video that Vogue put up (and apparently took down as I had to find it on Facebook) showing celebrities flouncing around the museum in their finery.

My friend Georgie and I were going through our favourite looks from previous years over Zoom last night, and while she had gone for looks from like 1974 to present day, literally all of mine were from 2017 bc I loved them all so much. Plus looking through I remembered that Shawn Mendes and Hailey (now) Bieber were a couple for about 30 seconds.

I must particularly make mention of Zendaya, Emilia Clarke, Greta Gerwig, Ariana Grande, Bella Hadid, Rihanna, Kate Bosworth, Blake Lively, Lily Collins, Kim Kardashian, Chadwick Boseman, Cardi B and Priyanka Chopra who, although perennially irritating since becoming Priyanka Chopra Jonas, cannot be ignored for her excellent use of red velvet here. As you can probably tell I found it REALLY hard to narrow that all down.

I am someone who decided at least five years ago that they would one day attend the gala (I haven’t quite figured out why I would be invited, but even Kim Kardashian started as a plus one so there’s hope for me yet). Every year I look at red carpet as my altar, the stars the saints and angels (yeesh, can you tell I went to Catholic school - and I actually believe this garbage). I don’t know how a short walk up some stairs to a museum became so fraught with power but there it is. Every time I go out in something approximating a ballgown (bringing it back to the red dress, people) I imagine how I would walk, who I would talk to, what my hair would look like (very important), and who I would have at my table (slightly less important than hair). And of course, addressing Anna (through her all things were made, for us and for our salvation, maker of Heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen etc).

Maybe she would look at me and nod approvingly with a wry smile (please refer to the end scene of the Devil Wears Prada to see exactly how this would happen, but hopefully the smile would be a bit warmer than what you would give an ex-employee) and I would walk on, secure in the knowledge that Anna and I had connected on a deeply spiritual level. Then I imagine I would head straight to the bar to recover.

NOW KEEP READING HUN

A quick note for people who want to read fun stuff/watch fun stuff about the Met Gala to compensate for this trash year, here are some funky links to what Vogue has going on:

Anna Wintour Addresses the Met Gala and Florence + The Machine Performs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HptQEYkMrVQ

Thinking of the Met on a Not-So-Typical First Monday in May https://www.vogue.com/article/moment-with-the-met-vogue-global-conversations

25 Years of Met Gala Themes: A Look Back at Many First Mondays in May https://www.vogue.com/article/met-gala-themes

Only at the Met: An Oral History of the World’s Most Glamorous Gala https://www.vogue.com/article/the-complete-met-gala-oral-history

See the Costume Institute’s New (Though Postponed) Show About Time https://www.vogue.com/article/costume-institute-about-time-preview

The Most Unforgettable Met Gala Beauty Looks—According to the Hair and Makeup Artists Behind Them.                             https://www.vogue.com/article/met-gala-makeup-artists-hair-stylists-instagram

Naomi Campbell Breaks Down 30 Years’ Worth of Met Gala Magic https://www.vogue.com/article/naomi-campbell-life-in-looks-met-gala-video

A Look Back at a Decade of Stunning Met Gala Interiors https://www.vogue.com/slideshow/a-look-back-at-a-decade-of-stunning-met-gala-interiors

Sarah Jessica Parker Shares a Playlist Inspired by the Met Gala Theme ‘About Time: Fashion and Duration’                              https://www.vogue.com/article/sarah-jessica-parker-met-gala-about-time-playlist