#other day a kid of maybe 17 tried to get me to join his sailing team. i almost said i would
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i need to speak to a man my age or i will kill myself
#back home i got a good mix of genders amongst who i have befriended. here its all girls. because i go to an all girls school#i did not want to. i am a pushover#the other day i saw a white dude my age at the supermarket and i seriously considered going up to him and asking if he spoke english#^he is the only other white person ive seen in my ward lmao#other day a kid of maybe 17 tried to get me to join his sailing team. i almost said i would#if not men i need to find some masculine dykes at leeeast#time to look up gay bars near me. because i guess i can do that now wow.#the gay bit not the bar bit ive been to my fair share of shitass pubs
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childhood au
so i'll try to reconstruct what Ralphies life as a kid was
a few facts from the game that we know:
* is younger than Nicky ( if Nicky is about 28/27 i imagine Ralph to be about 25/24 ) meaning that if Nicky immigrated w his relatives as a young child Ralph was probably already born in the US.( this could be the reason why in ch.1 he talks about being a real newyorker and makes fun of mc about it)
* Was abused (probably for the entirety of his childhood) by his alcoholic mother
* His father left him ( he says :" he went to get a pack pf smokes one day and never came back" this gives me the feeling that he would be at least 5/6+ years when that happened.
* Got into street fights and probably lost since once again he says " beat me up as bad as the boys" meaning that he was THE VICTIM HELLOO??
* there is also a small dialogue in ch.1 where it's mentioned that he always skipped school and probs stopped going there pretty early
* it's obvious that he lived in some gutter idk how to rephrase this
* was always close to nicky from the early childhood " we were the closest"
* one memory that Nicky narrates to us is making paper boats for Ralph and letting them sail on rainy days
* in spite of this we are told that Nicky never showed Ralph much affection, for example when Nicky is being sweet to mc he replies with "i've never seen him act like this"
* and in another line he says " i don't need nobody to stick their neck out for me" so yeah, he's been left alone and neglected for a while
Actual Childhood
i will compare Ralph with Nicky throughout this whole text and make a point about being very different.
1. His relationship with his mother
As long as Nicky had part of a more loving(normal) mom, Ralph clearly was less lucky. Literally being on his own with an alcoholic. Which resulted in him feeling unloved and running from home and getting into gang stuff. By always being belittled and beat by his parent, this usually results with the person later in life having big problems with aggression, this explaining why he likes being a criminal and jokes about others dying( this being a possibility to release all that anger from his childhood).
At the same time another prominent characteristic of his is the thing where he always does what he's told. We see this when he says that "Nicky taught him this and that" and also in that scene where he & Floyd sign documents. And there Ralph was right about not wanting to sign the deed to the speakeasy, but under Floyds pressure he literally breaks in less than a second. I explained this behaviour not by being simply " weak of spirit" or simply a loser, but the desire for approval, recognition and literally being patted on the shoulder for doing good. Since he's never been shown any kind of affection, he desperately tries to subconsciously earn it.
I think i should also add that by Freud( hate on me but this guy made a few good points) a mans relationship with his partner corelates with his relationship with his mother ( vice versa for women), so it makes sense why Nicky - with a loving mom found his soulmate, and Ralph didn't. ( i assume that he never had a long term relationship ). ( this is my personal theory)
2. His relationship with his dad
none🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥
3. His relationship with Nicky
now this one is just a continuation of point 1.
I've always felt some part of jealousy for Nicky. Maybe he got into crime because he always wanted to be like Nicky and even talked about living in Nicky's mansion after he takes his role. Im sure that he love's Nicky and feels bad for betraying him, but i understand why he'd do that. Maybe he tried to subconsciously prove to himself that he can make his own decisions but that turned out... well... bad.
But i imagine them both having a really good relationship, good un their own way.
And that point where they both mentioned that Nicky tried to prevent Ralph from joining the mafia, if i put myself in his shoes i would take that not as a way to keep me safe but a way to keep me from succeeding or always remaining in Nicky's shadow.
okay now for the actual actual childhood headcanons
* I feel like Ralph would be actually a pretty smart child. Besides being curious i feel that he'd say smart,correct and deep thoughts and not even realise that.
* He'd still have problems spelling and understanding basic math:/
* lived admiring rich people on the covers of magazines or in the movies
* was pretty much of a loner as a child and didn't have many friend except Nicky
* while Nicky was the lively, active and charismatic one, Ralphie would be the quiet kid until 12/13 yrs
* that meaning that he would usually be made fun of or beaten by older kids
* i don't think he'd fight back much, not with bare hands at least
* in general i think he'd despise actual fights, more of a gun/knife guy
* disliked Nicky's dog, or any four legged animal ( doesn't hate them but doesn't love either)
* birds on the other hand
* they always gave him hope and the desire to just be free and escape his home and everyone he knew. the same with sailing, loved the idea of just leaving alone into the open ocean
* irrational fear of death
* if there is a living creature that he loves more that birds it would be butterflies
* but no one knows that since he's embarrassed to admit it
* would create many problems as a child
* starting with the basic running from school up to setting someones hair on fire with a lighter
* mentioning the lighter, tried smoking at about 14 but nearly choked to death because of his asthma
* and because of asthma i think there would be multiple times where he almost died
* as a kid probably lived near a garage and spent most of his free time watching men repairing cars
* car obsession phase
* even started drawing them at some point and got pretty good at mechanical drawings
* dreamed of becoming a racer
* once told that to a girl he liked in like grade 4 and almost died of pride when she applauded him for his ambitions
* and his ambitions were always high
* the second he'd see or hear about something grand or fancy he'd add it to his mental list of wishes
* made friends with some local old guy who was very sarcastic and nihilistic and literally based his personality on that
* would have to get around life on his own and by that i mean that he sew his own clothes, made his own food, when he got lost -spent hours walking around new york until he found his street without asking anyone for directions
* at some point picked up smoking because even though at first it was death threatening
* at about 16/17 totally found himself in the "wiseguy" persona and at this point there wasn't a returning point
* had a couple of girlfriends but dated them for a month at best
YES I LIKE PSYCHOLOGY YES I WANT TO BECOME A PSYCHIATRIST AND I LOVE CHARACTER ANALYSIS
#tatw#fictif#fictif tatw#two against the world#fictif ralph#nicky valentino#ralph della rosa#fictif nicky#tatw ralph della rosa#two against the world ralph#headcanon tatw#headcanons ralph della rosa#nyx hidra tatw#nyx hydra fictif#nyx hydra#ralph fictif#ralph headcanons
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For the salty ask 1, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 14, 16, 20, 22, 23 and 26 for cobra kai pretty please
My answers are so long, so I am putting this under the cut @wonderwolfballoon! Also I just noticed your Daniel icon I SWEAR I’M NOT DRAGGING HIM TO BE MEAN!!!
1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?* My biggest IDGI ships for CK are probably Elimetri or Kiaz. I’m not here to yuck other people’s yums or anything, but I do think there is something to the idea that Migueli isn’t popular because it’s a ship predicated on mutual respect for one another. Kiaz has the obvious enemies to lovers vibe and I just generally don’t sail those ships. Elimetri has... its problems, IMO, most especially around the idea that Demetri has to like... save Hawk from himself? Idk. I just like romances that I feel are based on love and mutual respect and not ...tropes.
I am also not a Lawrusso shipper although I have a lot of those on my dash and you all are great! Again, not yucking yums! Daniel just makes me want to head butt him too much to pair him romantically with anyone 😂 I don’t even want his wife with him. He needs to self reflect~
4. Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?*
I once saw someone ship Amanda and Anoush and I noped out of that so fucking fast I almost tripped over myself. I’m not sure if they’re popular. I just think some people feel the need to get Amanda out of the way to sail their ship and stuck her with Anoush which... no. Just no. Let Amanda be a messy single queen with a martini hobby, thanks!
5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*
Not in CK. I’m lucky because I pretty much stick to my little Migueli bubble and I’m okay with that? Lmao lord knows the Squad on my dash is all about the DISCOURSE™️ so idk if I just don’t feel the need to get sucked into the wider ship wars because we have good healthy debates, but so far, so good.
6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?*
I never hated it... I just didn’t have many feelings on shipping with this show in general at first. Then I was in the CK tag one day and I saw Migueli fan art. Then I discovered @afurioushawk‘s falconry series and it was all over for me after that! So fandom DID make me love a ship, just not one I hated.
9. Most disliked character(s)? Why? Oh boy. How much time do you have? In some instances, it’s a good thing season 3 happened because otherwise, this would be a multi-page essay on the problems with race and class privilege as it pertains to Sam LaRusso and just some... generally not nice comments about Demetri that I’m conflicted about because I’m not sure if the writers are intentionally trying to write him a specific way and it’s just not translating to me or what. But season 3 revamped both of their images with me a lot. I’m way more flexible in terms of Demetri, but lmao I was the number one Sam LaRusso hater for a minute there (or maybe number 2, I can think of at least 1 other person who was in that boat with me back in like... August/September, but I won’t call them out because I don’t want them to get hate...) However, I have grown a bit in my opinions of Sam, and even though I still think she’s responsible for a lot of shit she NEVER gets held accountable for, I also think that’s a reflection of the adults around her too, and this includes my otherwise unproblematic queen, Amanda.
But honestly, my most hated character (other than the obvious villain that is Kreese) is Daniel. No matter how handsome Ralph Macchio looks in cable-knits, because Daniel has always been a sanctimonious, shit starting drama king and I say that about KK Daniel too. I’m not saying Daniel was the ~true villain~ or anything, or that Johnny was innocent -- I can only drink so much Red and Yellow Kool-Aid -- but Daniel’s always been annoying to me as a protagonist, and turning him into a smarmy wealthy car salesman who is also a class traitor did not do him any favors in my book. I will say, I also like Daniel more in season 3 than I have in previous season, but since he is the adult, I will be mad at him longer than I will be at the kids, ya feel?
10. Most disliked arc? Why?
Johnny’s entire season 3 storyline. The sheer level of REGRESSION at every turn drives me bonkers. It’s like watching him go through all of the stumbling blocks of season 1 all over again, but without the “he’s learning! He’s going to make mistakes!” free pass that I was willing to give him the first time around. He regularly jeopardizes Miguel’s recovery and it’s played for laughs. He fucks up on every level with Robby. He spends most of his time running away when things get hard or too real. He drops the ball completely with Hawk, and like, not to put too fine a point on it, but a lot of Hawk’s issues are because Johnny put Hawk on this ��flip the script and be a badass’ path and then offered him no guidance for how to walk that path and instead left him in the hands of Kreese. And then he has the nerve to go to Hawk and basically be like “I made you what you are!” lmao yeah Johnny, you sure did, that’s why he’s breaking peoples arms, hoss. And then all of the nonsense with Ali and Carmen, like... if you were planning on teasing KK fans with Ali and him getting back together, why write her as married in the first place? Why even tease the idea of Carmen and Johnny until after you were sure what you were going to do with Ali as a character? Instead, they do what they did in season 3 and it makes him look like a colossal jerk. So yeah. Literally every choice they made with Johnny this season, I hated.
14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom? People who hate Tory are not valid, sorry not sorry.
16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change? I would have kept Miguel entirely out of Tory and Sam’s beef. Or at least not directly inserted him into it like he was with the kiss. I know the writers thought it was necessary to push Tory to the point of inciting a fight at school, but I am just so exhausted over girls being unable to fight about anything but boys. Also I would bring Aisha back.
20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?
I am probably biased, but I still maintain it’s Migueli. Look, Miguel stood up to Kyler for Eli and Demetri both. Hawk joined CK because he saw what it could do for some skinny nerd who was getting his ass kicked. And he took to CK, really took to it! Even flourished before he started getting mixed messages. And he and Miguel were pretty much inseparable after that. They coordinated their wardrobes ffs. Hawk dubbed him El Serpiente and no one else calls him that — it’s Hawk’s nickname for him. Miguel confides in Hawk only secondary to Johnny, who is like a father to him. The entire Coyote Creek exchange shows they can fight and disagree but... well, to use the cliche, they don’t go to bed angry, you know? They’re square the very next day. Hawk is the first person at Miguel’s side when he gets kicked over the balcony and the LOOK he gives the second floor where Robby is? That boy is out for blood immediately to avenge Miguel. So much of his s3 behavior is fueled by that need for vengeance because MD is wholly responsible for what happened to Miguel. And Miguel is so confused and betrayed by Hawk’s shift in behavior, and yet still holds out hope that Hawk will see through Kreese’s BS and come with him to The Dojo I Refuse to Name. And when Hawk does make that deflection finally, he shows up at MD with Miguel. There’s so much more that I know I’m missing but whether someone ships them or not, that is a tried and true love and respect for one another, a willingness to fight for and defend one another that you don’t often see in TV friendships... or even in most tv relationships. And I just think that’s the best ❤️
22. Popular character you hate?
Daniel, hands down. I mean... I don’t even necessarily hate Daniel, you know? I just think it’s really, pardon the pun, rich that a guy of immense wealth and privilege can’t get a therapist or turn to his far too patient wife for help with his existential crisis over his high school bully opening up a karate dojo to make some money and help a kid who is getting the crap kicked out of him. I get that Daniel’s narrative is necessary for the rivalry, but it does nothing to make him sympathetic as a character.
23. Unpopular character you love?
Tory, definitely! Everyone hates her and then there’s me and the Squad over here banging away on our Coors Banquet cans yelling TORY RIGHTS! Seriously she catches so much flack for a teenage girl who is... the sole income provider for her family? At 17? While caring for a sick mom and a little brother? And fending off a creepy landlord? Tory has it so rough and then she meets a cool girl at her dojo who asks her to hang out at some fancy ass country club which is probably the nicest place Tory has ever been in, and then she gets talked down to and accused of being a thief and has another girl lay hands on her, only to find out that same girl is her new boyfriend’s ex and... ugh. I HATE that Tory gets shit all over when Tory and Sam wouldn’t even have beef if Sam had apologized to Tory as she SHOULD have. Tory isn’t innocent, but damn, I’d be pressed too.
My other unpopular character I love? Nathaniel. Seriously that kid is THE best. He’s a literal child but is out there like I WILL FUCK YOU UP, even though he’s MD. Honestly, his Cobra Kai energy is so ferocious I won’t be surprised if he moves back to CK eventually. Anyway, I love him.
26. Most shippable character?
Miguel, hands down. It’s because he’s so affable and sweet overall. And because his hair is so fluffy and pettable that no one can resist touching it. I like to imagine that one day he and Hawk are talking about their hair and Hawk makes a joke about how Miguel’s mane is getting so long that it’s going to be bigger than his own, and then he reaches out to ruffle it and internally has a bisexual meltdown because oh no IT’S SO SOFT AND NICE. But uh... anyway, yes. Definitely Miguel.
#ask game#cobra kai#sorry y’all I gotta tag#uh#anti Daniel larusso#anti lawrusso#anti Kiaz#anti Elimetri#it’s not *really* anti those ships but uh... tagging for the culture???#plz don’t flame ship who you ship!!!#Migueli#i hope this is tagged appropriately if you need something else tagged lmk
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DE IN THE SEA Ch1
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Ao3
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Based off of a prompt by @5am-the-foxing-hour
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De is a quiet sailor on a new ship. He never expected to sail under the infamous pirate twins Roman and Remus, but all that mattered to him was that he was out on the open sea. Somewhere that he longed to be from a very young age.
But maybe there is a deeper reason why he was so desperate to be closer to the water.
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De watched over the side of the ship as the waves passed by, scrubbing the deck with a mop as other crew members kept an eye on him. It was fine, he was used to not being trusted. At least these people were better than his old crew. They were the worst, but these guys seemed fine, even with there reputation.
De was an ex-sailor turned pirate after running off from his home town. He hopped from ship to ship for a while till eventually joining under a Pirate captain who appreciated his skills in deception and persuasion. They didn't treat him too kindly, as expected, mostly using and abusing him. De's had worse so it was fine. Then his ship was attacked by the Notorious twins, Roman and Remus, Devils of the sea. He had heard the story of the two. They were born to a wealthy noble family, but as they grew they found that the lifestyle began to bore them. So, together they grabbed as much loot as they could and ran, disappearing into the night only to be seen again on the open sea as devilish pirate captains of a mighty crew.
De's old crew stood no chance, they were slaughtered. De was the only one to survive and was taken aboard to become their new crewmate.
Ever since then they had kept a sharp eye on him, never letting him get to close to the swords or knives, fearing he would cause mutiny. De didn't care enough to cause them any trouble. As far as he could see they had yet to give him a reason to fight back. They haven't hit him, they fed him, there was no yelling at him for simple mistakes. The only thing that mattered to him was that he was sailing on the open sea, it was his dream. He had no idea why but he had always felt drawn to the ocean ever since he was a young boy.
When he was young, he would climb the highest cliff in his village just to get a glimpse at the oceans' beautiful waters, wishing for a day where he, too, could sail across its waves. As long as he had that, what else mattered?
"What a wonderful day! Aint is, Snake Eyes?" De jumped at the sound of Remus' voice. He had been staring at the sea so intently that he hadn't even noticed his captain come up behind him.
"Yes, Sir." He answered softly and respectfully. The crew had been good to him so far, he didn't want to push his luck, Though he did roll his eyes slightly at the name. It was, of course, referring to his yellow slitted eyes. The deformity was just another reason that people have used to beat or shun him in his past.
"You like the sea?" Remus asked, leaning on the railing of the ship. De had been on their ship for over two weeks and no one knew anything about him, other than his first name witch they still weren't sure was his real name. Remus wanted to get to know him if he was going to be staying on there crew for the next while.
"Yes, Captian." He said as he looked down and continued to move the mop in one place.
Remus didn't like how quiet and reserved de was being. It almost seemed like De was afraid of him. Well... That would make sense to Remus, he did slaughter his previous crew and captain. Maybe he was just scared? It's not like Remus would hurt him, he was a member of his crew now, and he would never hurt one of his own. "How long have you been at sea?" Remus asked, "You don't look very old, so you couldn't have been out here for too long. What are you? 27? 28?" He asked, taking the mop from De so they could chat.
"25 actually," De responded, deciding it was ok to give him a little information about himself. "And I've been out on the sea for 9 years."
"9 years?! You were 17? You would have just been a little babe, definitely too early for a pirates life!" Remus exclaimed.
De did his best to ignore the stares from the other crew as he shrunk in on himself, "I didn't start off as a pirate. I worked on a few cargo ships, one thing led to another and I ended up in a pirate ship. Then here." De explained.
Remus nodded as he leaned against the mop handle, "So, how did you end up on the pirate ship anyway?" Remus asked, starting to get invested in this kid's story. He wanted to learn more about him.
"Well," De began, "The cargo ship I worked on at the time had stopped at a port that had a big casino, I and a few of the other guys decided to go try our luck. I've never been to a casino before so I wasn't planning on betting much, incase I sucked. But apparently, I was a natural. It's like I was in my element. Within the first hour, I had easily made a few thousand with no loss. I was also able to talk around people and trick them into getting more and more. No one could beat me." He said, remembering how much he had been winning. "And I guess the old cap saw me and dollar sings must have lit up in his eyes. He offered me a spot on his crew and I said yes, it's not like I had anything else to do and all I wanted to do was be on the sea." De shrugged, "and that was that. I was apart of his crew."
"What about your family? Did you tell them you were joining a pirate crew?" Remus asked curiously.
De sighed at the question before taking his mop back from Remus, "I think its time I got back to my work now, Captian." He said, glancing around at the people who tried to pretend they weren't just listening to there conversation.
Remus pouted, "Aw! But I wanted to learn more about you!"
"Maybe another time captain," De said, "I have to get this deck clean."
#patton sanders#remus sanders#virgil sanders#deceit angst#logan sanders#roman and remus#creative twins#sanders sides fanfiction#sanders sides fic#sanders sides#writing prompt#my story#mermaid au#pirate au
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Ready to answer 151 Questions? 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Like 6/7 years ago. 2. Do you like to party? My idea of a party is a small get together with friends just chillin’ with food and music. Maybe play some boardgames. Just super laid back. Crazy party scenes with a shitload of people I don’t even know is not my thing at all. That all being said, I haven’t been to a party in like 3 years. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I can’t even imagine a scenario where that would happen now. We haven’t talked or seen each other in almost 5 years. For that to happen, that would mean we were talking and hanging out again and yeah, don’t see that happening. Plus, SO much has changed for the both of us. Our ship sailed a longggg time ago. 4. Are you a virgin? Yes. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? Ty and I never dated, but my parents really liked him. My mom definitely thought something was going on and she was rooting for us, ha.
6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I don’t have a boyfriend or a crush right now. But also, I wouldn’t just marry someone I bumped into 10 years later. Like, a LOT would have changed in that amount of time. Just because I dated or was interested in someone doesn’t mean things would be the same seeing each other that many years later. Would the feelings come back? Would we still vibe? What are we doing in our life at that time? Are we both single? 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? My mom has been with my dad for over 30 years. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s a tie-shirt with pastel colors. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I’ve been doing that for the past few years. To think that there was a time I would have never done that... 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On me? I mean, everything, but my smile/teeth for one. 12. Would people describe you as happy? No. 13. Are you single? Yep. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Yes or questions about relationships. 15. Do you have Tumblr? Duhhh.
16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Yeah, my younger brother and a couple of my cousins when they were kids. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? I had two awful math professors in community college. Like, they were horrible. 19. Ever shopped at Sephora? Yeah. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? 21. Do you have any university plans? I graduated with my BA five years ago. I’m not going any further. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? I mean, it would definitely come as a huge shock if my mom came out now. Of course it wouldn’t change anything between us, but things would be different for awhile. Like, it would take time to get used to a new normal, one where she’s not with my dad who she’s been with for over 30 years and one where she’s with a woman. 23. What are your views on sex? Be safe. If you’re an adult and it’s consensual then I don’t see an issue. 24. Do sexual questions bother you? No. I just don’t have much to say on the matter. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Wth. 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Nope. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Omg. I’m so glad I don’t see that anymore. That seemed to die when Myspace did. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? There’s still photos of Joseph and I. *shrug* 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? No. 30. What’s the last book you read? The Girl and the Hunt by AJ Rivers. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name? Stephanie. 33. What grade are you in? I graduated college 5 years ago, I’m done. 34. What school do you go to? 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Fall and winter. 36. Favorite Color? Pastels, rose gold, yellow, coral, mint green. 37. Are your parents together? Yes. 38. Any siblings? I have two brothers. 39. Favorite subject? Psychology.
40. Least favorite subject? Math. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 150ish. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? They weren’t old, but yeah I’ve had several requests from men from other countries. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? I used to. I suppose it still exists out there since I never deleted it. I haven’t been on there in several years, though. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Probably decline the offer. I actually do like both his current and previous album, but I don’t know if I’d want to go to his concert. *shrug* I also don’t know anyone who would go with me and I wouldn’t go alone. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Amusement park. I don’t do water slides and whatnot. 49. Been to Disney world? Nope, but I’d love to go. I’ve been to Disneyland several times, though. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.
52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I’ve had crushes on guys who never knew, but the really serious ones (there were 5) all knew. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? Yes. 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yeah. I drank in my early 20s until I was 24. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills? Yeah, the OG one and the reboot that came out last year. 57. What about Jersey Shore? No, I never got into that one. 58. Ever called someone a slut? I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? I don’t wear them. Or any length of shorts. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? No. I think it’s funny because my dad is still weird about cussing in front of me and so is our family friend. She always apologizes to me if she does it. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? I mostly got A’s and B’s throughout school with some C’s because of stupid math. 62. What about a B? ^^^ 63. And a C? ^^^ 64. How about a D? No. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say I was the outcast. I mean, I had some friends, but I really just didn’t stand out or fit in. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? My friends were my age or a year younger. Ty was the only one who was older than me (just by a year). 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? I have my immature moments, too. That one doesn’t do it for me, though. 70. Ever watched porn? I’ve seen it, but it wasn’t for my viewing pleasure or anything. I just personally don’t get the appeal. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? I don’t think I’ve broken any. I don’t do anything or go anywhere, ha. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? Yeah. I’d sleep later than 3PM if I didn’t and I don’t know, for some reason I don’t want to. Not like I have anything better to do, but *shrug* 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Makes no difference to me. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? No. I can’t sing. I’m surprised I did choir for a few years in elementary school. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? My 2nd grade class did. We did “This Little Light of Mine” with a few very simple hand movements that went along with it. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. For the most part it’s only been at funerals and doctor appointments, but there have been a few other times in public where I felt the tears coming and tried to fight them back, but they started coming out anyway. I’m definitely someone who doesn’t like to cry in front of other people, so when it happens then you know it’s bad. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I love both of my parents, but my mom and I have a closer relationship. She’s my best friend. I truly don’t know what I’d do without her. 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Alexander Skarsgard, Henry Cavill, Chris Evans, Matt Bomer, and Chris Pratt. 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Margot Robbie, Jennifer Lopez, Ariana Grande, Hailey Baldwin, and Natalie Portman. 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? If someone uploads a photo of me that I don’t approve of it gets deleted asap. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? That’s too much to me. 86. Are you opinionated? I do have my opinions I feel strongly about, but I also consider myself to be openminded. I’m open to hearing different sides of things. I want to. And it’s certainly possible for my opinion to change. 87. Do you have a favorite store? BoxLunch, Hot Topic, Kohl’s, Target, and Bath & Body Works. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? No. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? Nope. 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? Yeah. *gasp* Call the fashion police! 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? Well, I graduated college 5 years ago if that counts. But if you mean like while I was still going to school, then a few months. I had to miss school 3 times for a few months because I had to have surgery. One of the times was when I was supposed to start UC, but ended up having to start the following semester instead. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse? Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? 96. If yes, are you one of them? 97. Do you text in class? I never did that. I was a goody-goody lol. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? I haven’t worn jeans at all in like 3 years, ha, but anyway most of my jeans are the Arizona brand from JCP. They’re the perfect fit for me and they’re reasonably priced. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” According to Google, it starts at size 16. 100. Do you want to lose weight? Nooo. I’m too underweight as it is. I need to gain weight. 101. Ever seen a therapist? No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn? Yeah, I’ve seen some of it. I didn’t watch out of enjoyment, though. I don’t get the appeal, personally. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yes. 104. A facebook message? Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request? Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know. 107. Would you say you read into things too much? Yepppp. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? Refusing. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) No. 110. Ever been called a bully? No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? Yes. I used to go sometimes with both sets of grandparents when I was a kid. They were of different religions, so that began my complicated and non-existent relationship with religion. That changed a few years ago, though, and now I’m a Christian. For over a year I’ve only been listening to the audio version a local church uploaded to their website every Sunday until they started uploading video earlier this year. The past few months they’ve been doing live streams because of the quarantine/lockdown, but they’ll be continuing that going forward for those like me who aren’t able to physically attend. I plan to when I’m able, though. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes. 115. What do you want to do with your life? I don’t know. That’s the problem.
116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? Naturally, yes, but not currently. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I don’t dress up or do anything for Halloween anymore. The past few years I’ve just stayed home and watched scary movies. I do for the whole month of October, though. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? Uh, no. I’m going to be 31 years old this year. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities, but not anyone “in real life.” 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? It didn’t really bother me back when I had to take the bus sometimes in college. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I don’t wear sunglasses. Also, staring is rude. I’ve had to deal with people staring at me, mostly kids, all my life. Not cool. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? No. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? Parts of James and the Giant Peach yesterday. 124. Last TV Show? The Golden Girls. 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? I don’t have any friends, but I imagine I wouldn’t like seeing that. 126. Ever been called a whore? Jokingly. 127. Are you american? Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? No. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? Yes. Joseph and I did that for the entire time of whatever it was we had going on. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? I’m trash. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? I don’t like anyone, currently. 133. Ever had the lead in a play? Nope. Never tried out for a play either. 134. What about a solo in a concert? Ha, no. I was in choir in elementary school for a few years, but there definitely weren’t any solo parts for me. 135. What kind of a student are you? I did well. 136. Worst subject? It was always math. 137. Best subject? English. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? She had a hysterectomy several years ago. 140. How late do you sleep in? Until like 230 or 3ish. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? I use a filter. 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? I was the ugly friend. 143. Do you believe in love? Well, yeah. It exists. I just feel like I’ll never experience romantic love. I’ve been in love twice, but both times were unrequited. I can’t imagine finding love in return and someone who actually wants to be with me. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Salty and sweet. I would have said spicy back in the day, but I can’t eat spicy food anymore. Haven’t been able to for the past few years. D: 147. Are you going into High School this year? Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? Let’s not try and make me cry. It’s almost 7AM, I should be asleep. 150. Where did you find this note? LiveJournal. 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? I don’t leave any unread text messages.
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little t&a (paul/gene, nc-17) (part 3 of 29)
Paul fretted and complained ad-nauseum. He didn’t want to see the psychic this soon; it was too much pressure. He didn’t have any clothes. Or rather, he had clothes, just nothing he wanted to wear. Gene knew he had at least two dresses—the black floral with the bell sleeves from his drag birthday party back in January, and a black polka-dot number from another party—and a substantial assortment of women’s blouses. What he didn’t have, and what Gene knew for a fact he didn’t have, was anything that fit correctly. No pants that would’ve worked. All Paul’s blouses and dresses were cut far too widely at the shoulders for him now. He’d be drowning in them.
“Look, Paul, you can’t run around in a bathrobe all day,” Gene countered, although he suspected that was what Paul had been doing for most of the last five days. “What did you wear to Peaches?”
“The dress from my birthday. It’s in the washing machine.”
“Are you even wearing underwear?”
At any other time, with a girl that looked like Paul, the question would’ve been a teasing come-on. Right now, it was a serious indictment of his hygiene.
“I have on boxers.” Paul shot him an aggrieved look as he said it. “What’s it matter to you, anyway?”
“They’re probably about to fall off, is why it matters.” Gene grunted, trying to think. “What shoes did you wear out?”
“I stuffed some heels with tissue paper.”
That was a start, at least. Gene sighed.
“You’ll feel better with real clothes on. And I’ll feel better when your tits aren’t falling out of your bathrobe.”
Paul glanced down reflexively and bit his lip, untying and then retying the robe a little more snugly.
“I’ll get the other dress,” he mumbled, padding out of the kitchen without a backwards glance. Gene watched him retreat, waiting until he heard the bedroom door shut before he got up and opened Paul’s pantry door again, pushing past the groceries he’d already shelved.
He didn’t really expect to find anything good in there. Paul was almost pathologically afraid of gaining weight. He was always at his worst about it right before tours, too. Gene would catch him at the pool, staring at his chest and stomach like they’d personally offended him just by existing at all. He honestly seemed to think he could starve his way into a set of abs. The burden of being the band’s sex symbol, Gene supposed, pushing aside some packages of instant ramen and TVP (weird, if Paul was trying vegetarianism, that’d just add another expense to their tour budget—not that they’d have a tour if he didn’t get fixed) to find a small, shameful stack of Hershey’s chocolate bars.
He deserved something after the stress and frustrated arousal of the last hour or so. Gene took the entire stack of candy back to the kitchen island. He hadn’t even sat down before tearing into the first chocolate bar, and he’d only gotten two rows of it down his throat before Paul reemerged, in the black polka-dot dress from the drag party.
For a minute, Gene forgot he was eating.
Oh, the dress didn’t fit right. Too baggy in the shoulders, as expected, and the style was frumpy, not really showing off his figure much, besides his chest, still not contained with a bra. But Paul looked… pretty good. Definitely better than he had in the bathrobe. His curly hair was a lot less matted, and it seemed like he was standing a bit straighter.
“Cute.”
Paul shifted uncomfortably.
“I still don’t want to see the psychic today.”
“I haven’t made an appointment yet. It’s fine.” It was late afternoon, anyway. Gene didn’t know what hours psychics kept—if Ace was their clientele, chances were good they weren’t nine to five—but something kept him from trying Suzie’s number yet. He wasn’t sure if it was just not wanting to put Paul through more discomfort than he had to today, or if it was something else. Something like wanting to spend some time with him.
“You’re eating my candy.”
Gene snapped a clean row off the chocolate bar, holding it up to Paul like an offering. Paul shook his head.
“I’ll pay you back with dinner, then, how’s that?”
“Will you?”
“Dinner and a movie.”
“Oh, come off it, Gene—”
“Takeout and a movie. How about it?”
“Only if it’s on Masterpiece Theatre.”
“No. You’re fucking miserable. I’m getting you out of the house at least for the movie bit.” Gene started to smile, reaching over and sticking the last bit of chocolate in Paul’s mouth on impulse. Paul looked embarrassed, but he took it, licking his lips after he swallowed. It was more distracting than Gene had expected. “Have you seen Smokey and the Bandit yet?”
“No.”
“I haven’t, either. C’mon. You can drive us to the movie theater.” In what he hoped might be the clincher, Gene added two words he’d rarely spoken. “I’ll pay.”
“But it’s like you said. I don’t have a license right now.”
“You’re also an ex-cabbie. I’m not too concerned.”
Paul’s brows were still furrowed. But it looked like he was considering it.
“Then what about getting recognized? Maybe I don’t need to worry about that right now, but you do, and—”
“So let me worry about that, okay? Just relax.” He was trying too hard, maybe. Shrugging off legitimate concerns. If Paul did get pulled over, chances were pretty good the officer would look the other way at his lack of a matching license. Gene could play the celebrity card if he had to in order to evade any real trouble. He was loath to do that under normal circumstances, and he didn’t enjoy the thought of breaking the law, if only by a supernatural technicality, but if it got Paul out of the house, then he’d go for it.
Getting recognized at the movie theater was the problem—Gene didn’t know how Paul would react to cameras flashing in his face when he was like this—but he was prepared to risk it anyway. Besides, half of being recognized lay in dressing the part of a rockstar, and that went for whoever he had on his arm, too. The blue jeans and polyester button-down he was wearing right now were toned-down enough from his usual fare, and Paul’s dress was oversized and out of style. Hopefully, all that would let them go to the movies unnoticed.
“Okay.”
“You’ll go?”
“Yeah. I’ll go.”
“Good.” The corner of Gene’s mouth lifted up. “Cheapest date I’ve had in years, Paul.”
Paul flipped him off and snatched the rest of the stack of chocolate bars back. It was, Gene thought, a small price to pay to watch Paul flush all the way to his neck.
--
They didn’t get pulled over, and they didn’t get recognized. Paul opened the door for Gene into the theater, the way he always did, which afforded him some weird looks from the other moviegoers, but that was about it. Smooth sailing.
Gene got takeout from a Chinese restaurant nearby afterwards. They ended up eating it in the car on the drive back, Paul picking out eggrolls from the boxes and stuffing them in his mouth guilelessly. Gene got the impression he hadn’t eaten all day. He even tried to eat the fried rice while he drove, with the box in his lap, but Gene put a stop to that, and after awhile he started sticking forkfuls of rice in front of Paul’s face as a compromise. Apart from nearly missing a turn a few miles from his house, it didn’t seem like it distracted Paul too badly. If he’d noticed Gene’s pants tenting with every forkful, he never mentioned it.
In fact, it seemed like Paul was in better shape now. The only time he really faltered was when he turned on the radio, to check on the traffic, only for “Rock and Roll All Nite” to come blaring in. He didn’t say anything, but his shoulders slumped, and he turned it off so quickly, and so hard, Gene was almost afraid he’d broken the radio button.
“We’ll get you fixed, Paul, I promise.”
“What if we can’t?”
“We’ll do it.” Gene didn’t want to think of the alternative. Paul had probably thought enough about it for both of them. They’d never be able to keep the band going with a girl fronting. Their image wasn’t right for that. Maybe Paul could keep writing songs, or Gene could pull some strings and get him signed to Casablanca as a solo act… no, that’d kill him. All of that would just kill him. Despite all the cracks forming in the band, Paul wanted to go solo about as much as Frank Sinatra wanted to join the Beach Boys. “Trust me.”
Paul nodded dully, before glancing up at the rearview mirror. He seemed to only just then realize he was pulling into his own driveway.
“Oh, shit. Did you want me to take you home? I forgot.”
“Nah, it’s fine.”
“You sure? I don’t mind driving.”
“I’m sure.”
“Then use my phone and call your chauffeur.” Paul parked the car, automatically trying to put the keys in a pocket the dress didn’t have. Gene shook his head, getting out of the car.
“It’s past eleven. I’ll just stay at your place.” That was better for both of them. More convenient than Gene having his driver take him home, and then back the next day. Plus, he figured Paul could use the company. He had the feeling the kid who’d brought his groceries and Peter were the only other people Paul had spoken to since he’d been cursed. “Hell, I’ll even shower.”
“You’d better.” Paul unlocked the door, letting him in. Gene stepped inside, expecting Paul to point him toward the guest bedroom. Instead, he hesitated, taking off the tissue-stuffed heels and sticking them on a shoe rack without a word.
“I will.”
“Would you stay with me?” Paul burst into the words all of a sudden, then added, “Not like that. I don’t wanna fuck you.”
That made one of them, Gene thought dryly. God. Someone as self-conscious as Paul couldn’t be completely oblivious to the effect his new form was having on Gene. Couldn’t think Gene was just teasing him. Gene wasn’t sure if it was denial on Paul’s part or what. Sleeping in the same bed as Paul, when Paul was a shade under six-foot, hairy-chested, and guaranteed to be prickly-faced by noon had never been an enticing prospect, just something he’d had to deal with every so often over the years. Sleeping in the same bed as Paul now that he was a chick…
“I’m the same person, you know.” So he wasn’t oblivious. Gene didn’t know if that was reassuring, as he followed Paul into his bedroom. The bed was unmade, and the whole room smelled like Aramis cologne. “Just don’t wake me up with a hard-on. I’ll make it up to you later.”
“Sounds promising.”
“Shut up.” Paul opened one of the dresser drawers, thumbing through the contents. “You still sleep in pajamas?”
“Only if I’m spending the night alone.”
Paul tossed a pair of pajama bottoms in his face.
Paul generally slept naked or in boxers, as far as Gene remembered from the times they’d shared a hotel room. Selfishly, he was hoping that wouldn’t have changed. The glances he’d gotten of Paul’s breasts earlier were mostly too brief for proper appreciation.
Instead, after Gene had showered and put on the borrowed pajama bottoms, Paul got a t-shirt and another pair of boxers out of the dresser and headed off to the bathroom, returning with them on, the hem of the shirt nearly lined up with where the boxers ended. Disappointing, but not surprising.
“You don’t have to cover up because of me.”
“If I thought you couldn’t keep your hands off me, I wouldn’t have asked you to stick around.”
Gene didn’t know how to answer that.
Paul tossed and turned that night, which wasn’t abnormal for him, but kept Gene up. At one point, the twitchy way he kept moving around made him tempted to ask Paul where his hand was, but he bit back the comment, reaching over instead to find Paul facedown against the mattress. Gene grasped his shoulder.
“You’re making the bed creak,” he mumbled out, and felt Paul still against him for a few gratifying seconds before he fell asleep.
--
The truth was, Paul had been trying to get off.
He had been every night for the last three nights, once the initial horror had worn off enough for him to be dejectedly curious. It hadn’t ever worked, and not just because he’d get spooked before he got very far. Every time he slipped a finger inside—not even a full finger, just barely past the first knuckle—it honestly hurt. Even tracing a finger across his clit wasn’t some quick-trigger to pleasure the way he’d always assumed. Everything just felt sore and tender.
He knew it couldn’t be a virginity thing. A regular chick could get off on her own without a problem. He’d seen that plenty. He was just stuck. It figured, really, to get trapped in a body that couldn’t even orgasm properly. No distractions from how damn miserable he was, with his life caving in on him, Gene totally unable to hide how much he wanted to fuck him—and the worst part was, Paul couldn’t find the dignity or the self-respect to call him out on it. Some pathetic part of him was actually enjoying the flickers of want that kept crossing Gene’s face. He’d never garnered Gene’s attention as a guy, not that he’d expected to, but—
He was thinking too much. He hadn’t been able to call up Hilsen since this shit had started, which didn’t help at all. But what could a therapist say to him now, anyway? Could he self-help his way into getting his dick back? With the way things were going, nothing was going to happen. He’d thought Peter’s coke habit was what would put them all out on their asses. But instead it looked like Paul was the one who was about to destroy the band just as they’d gotten a top-ten hit. He’d never get to play for another audience again. In a couple of weeks, he’d have to leave his own house and be assumed missing or dead, with all his assets taken by his parents. Then he’d probably be living on Gene’s dime for as long as it took for Gene to quit feeling pity for him, and that was if he was lucky. That was if Gene and the other guys didn’t take all matters into their own hands and get another frontman. Probably use one of his abandoned makeup designs for him, too. Paul exhaled softly against the pillows, too sickened by the thought to want to pursue it further.
But something had happened. Just for a little bit, when Gene had touched him. Paul’s hand was between his thighs, furtively searching for a little warmth, and then he’d felt Gene’s fingers curve around his shoulder. Not rough, and not tender, just there, firm and steadying. Paul’s hips twitched almost on their own at the touch, and all of a sudden, something hot burst deep within him, and he felt his own fingers actually sliding briefly against his folds. Just briefly. For the first time, he’d gotten wet.
He lay there a long time, past when Gene’s hand slipped away as Gene fell asleep, caught between trying to will that feeling back and fearing he’d only wake Gene up in the process. In the end Paul compromised, shamefully, scooting up close enough that he could smell the faint tinges of Chinese food on Gene’s breath as he slept. He’d forgotten to offer him a toothbrush before bed.
Paul couldn’t remember daring to touch him, but he must have, at least in his sleep, because he woke up early the next morning with his face pressed against Gene’s bare arm, and drool pooling on the sheets.
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Second in Command (Epilogue - Part Ten)
Summary: Life as the “spare to the heir” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when you’re the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don’t know what really happens behind closed doors.
Rating: Mature
A/N: It’s just fluff. Seriously. That’s all. Thank you guys for continuing to be the best! :D
AO3: Beginning | Current
Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20
Epilogue Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15
Tag list: @in-spirational @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @kmomof4 @wellhellotragic @ekr032-blog-blog @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @a-faekindagirl @mayquita @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @kristi555 @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91@branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @alys07 @andiirivera @emmas-storybook @superchocovian
She walks out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, her robe loosely tied around her waist, to find Killian stretched out in bed with Andy curled up on Killian’s bare chest. He must have gotten fussy while she was taking a shower for Killian to have gotten him out of his bassinet, but now he’s conked out…and so is Killian. She laughs a bit to herself before grabbing her phone off of her bedside table and snapping a few pictures. She wants to show Killian later, but she also wants to keep this for her.
Her boys, she thinks. They’re awfully cute together, and she has far more pictures of them on her phone than any sane person should. But she gave birth three weeks ago, so she’s pretty much got a free pass for being insane and dramatic all of the time. That’s what she has to remind herself several times a day. She still can’t get over how she fell apart more than once after they came home from the hospital, but it’s normal. She remembers being pregnant and thinking about how much she liked knowing Andy was safe and sound inside her. She remembers wanting to meet him but having just this…fear. Yeah, it was definitely a fear of not wanting him to leave her. And that fear manifested itself when she realized he was a week old.
She’d sobbed, absolutely had a breakdown, and her crying had made Andy lose it too. She remembers seeing Killian in between her tears looking absolutely terrified, gently bouncing Andy around while he spoke in a gentle tone to her, trying to encourage and remind her that it was okay. Everything was okay.
It had taken awhile for her to calm down, but she eventually did, trying to push down her slight embarrassment and get her breathing back to normal. So she knows that she has a free pass on being emotional, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to feel odd about it.
Hormones are weird.
She definitely has to keep reminding herself not to beat herself up over things.
It’s more difficult than it sounds.
Being a mom is more difficult than it sounds, which is weird because it sounds incredibly hard. You read the books, you go to classes, and you talk to all of the moms you know, but nothing prepares you for it. Absolutely nothing. It’s like you think you know what you’re going to do, and then your doctor hands you an actual human being while you’re still bleeding and basically says good luck, you’ll figure it out.
She’s really hoping that she’s going to figure it out.
Her son is still breathing, he eats, she thinks all of his insides are working well, and he keeps getting bigger, which she wants to stop. Logically she knows that it’s healthy for him to grow, but he needs to stay small forever.
Okay, so maybe leaving her alone with her thoughts is not the best idea.
For a moment she thinks about crawling into bed and joining them in their nap, but she’s starving and just wants to get something to eat by herself. Maybe she’ll watch some TV too. Actually, that’s about all she does every day, but she’s pretty sure Killian has some leftover brownies in the fridge and eating those while watching TV sounds like the dream right now. So she grabs the baby monitor and heads downstairs, finding the brownies and settling down on the couch.
It’s glorious.
And it does not surprise her at all when she falls asleep, the brownies forgotten on the coffee table and Netflix not even playing a show. She never got around to picking anything out. But she’s woken by the sound of Andy’s cries through the monitor, and she practically jumps off the couch, nearly falling to the ground. She doesn’t even remember that he’s with Killian until she’s back in the bedroom and finds Killian walking around with him.
“He’s hungry,” she tells him, already loosening her robe. “He was supposed to eat, like, an hour ago, but you guys were sleeping.”
“Aye, I know. I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”
She smiles, shaking her head back and forth as she walks toward the bed and settles down, getting all of her pillows ready. “Babe, it’s fine. You’re tired. I’m tired. We’re all tired. Hand me the little munchkin before he breaks our ear drums.”
“A good idea.” Killian hands her Andy, and after a bit of situating, he latches onto her, his wails quieting. She never thought she would be so glad that someone other than Killian knows how to easily latch onto her nipple (which is really weird if she thinks about it too much), but this is one of the things she’s most thankful for. She read far too many articles about what to do if breastfeeding isn’t smooth sailing, and she’s thankful that it has been…so far. It could change any minute.
She really needs to start talking out loud more so her thoughts don’t run away with themselves.
“Did you get any sleep, love?” Killian asks her, settling down on the bed next to her and pushing her hair back behind her ears for her. It’s a hopeless cause. Her hair is insane when she lets it dry naturally.
“I fell asleep on the couch. I was going to eat brownies and watch all of the shows I haven’t caught up on yet, but I fell asleep.”
“You needed it.”
“I think I’m more tired than before,” she sighs, leaning her head back against the cushion of the headboard while she runs her finger across the top of Andy’s head, pushing back the small bit of hair like Killian just did to her. “You’re exhausting, little man. Mommy is tired.”
“What time even is it?”
She moves her hand away from Andy’s forehead to check her phone, the screen somehow brighter than it was earlier. “Six seventeen.”
“In the evening, right?”
She lets out a low whistle, trying to keep her stomach from moving while she laughs. “Wow. You were only asleep for an hour, babe. It’s the evening. Not the morning, which is good because you have work in the morning. How are you so out of it?”
He shrugs. “I wake up when you wake up.”
“And then you go back to sleep.” She can’t help but roll her eyes. “But yeah, you have to be up and leave before eight tomorrow. So you can sleep. It’s not like you can feed him yet anyways.”
“This is true.”
“But the moment we start using the bottle sometimes, you, my man, are going to become a feeding machine.”
“I figured as much.”
“Good.” She reaches her hand over to him, laying it down on his inner thigh and squeezing for just a moment. “Are you nervous about going to work tomorrow?”
“Why would I be nervous?”
“Because you haven’t left our side this entire time. It’s like you think that we’re going to disappear. Plus, I know you’ve been keeping from me how pissed people are that I didn’t do the whole step thing with Andy, and I figured you might be nervous over how people treat you. Or us, really.”
“First of all, and I can say this because we’re in private, fuck every single one of those people. That is the absolute last thing you should be worrying about right now. And secondly, I don’t want to miss something.” Killian looks over and smiles at her, his eyes crinkling with the movement, and she feels her heart flutter. Maybe. She’s not really sure. She’s never quite been able to pinpoint how exactly he makes her feel when he smiles at her like that. It’s…something. And she tries to silently tell him just how much she appreciates him supporting her every step of the way, even when he’s a pain in the ass. “I know. I’m just leaving for a couple of hours, and it’ll be nice to talk to adults besides you and our parents for a change. No offense, love.”
“None taken. I think Ruby is going to come over tomorrow anyways, so we’ll both get to talk to adults that aren’t each other or our families.” “Yeah,” Killian admits before leaning over and running his fingers along Andy’s arm, “but you get to stay with our buddy.” “True,” she sighs, leaning her head back again, “but it’s going to be fine, babe. We can’t stay cooped up inside the house forever.” “Says the woman who hasn’t traveled further than Abigail and Liam’s house.”
She scrunches up her face, knowing his point is true but not wanting to admit it. She kind of hates when he makes good points. “Anyways,” she continues, shifting her leg the slightest bit and ignoring the slight pain that comes with feeding Andy, “you’re going to go and help out, learn about the shelter, and you’re going to have a good time. And then you can come home and change all of the diapers you want.”
“You really know how to charm a man.” “I try.” She looks back down at Andy who’s happily eating away, and she trails her finger across his forehead, pushing some of his hair back again. How did it somehow manage to move?
She’s pretty much memorized his face at this point. She knows the shape of his eyes and the curve of his nose. She knows the slant of his lips and the dip in his chin. And she also knows when it changes, which is pretty often even if it’d be difficult for anyone else to notice. Every parent says their kid is beautiful, but hers really is. He has Killian’s eyes, and as much as she’d be okay with him having her eyes or eyes that resemble neither of them, she’s infinitely thankful that he has Killian’s eyes.
They’re stunningly blue, and while she knows that they could change, could morph into something else, she’s hoping that they stay the same. But what really sells her on the fact that he has Killian’s eyes is the lashes. God, he’s got better lashes than her. They’re long and thick, and she has this weird obsession with looking at them when they’re brushing against his cheeks.
Giving birth doesn’t just give you crazy hormones and a body that feels like it’s been run over by a truck. It also gives you an unnatural obsession with the hair on another human being’s eyes.
And the hair on the top of their heads. Andy has some good hair on his head, dark and black that sits flat, and she hopes that stays too. As much as she’d like him to resemble her a bit, she knows her chances for his hair to turn blonde like hers are slim. She had, like, peach fuzz as a baby if the pictures are any indication. Andy has more dark hair than most men.
It’s weird.
“You’re such a good baby,” she coos, running her finger over his arm and his hand, looking at where she and Killian clipped his nails the other day. That’s another thing you can’t prepare for. Clipping a baby’s nails is absolutely terrifying. “And you are definitely going to miss daddy tomorrow, but he needs to know that he can go to work. Yeah, he can go to work.”
“Darling, you could simply tell me this. It’s not like Andrew is going to repeat the words back to me.” “Yeah, but you might listen more this way.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Killian leans over and plants a smacking kiss on her cheek, louder than it has any right to be, before placing a gentler one on the crown of Andy’s head. “I love you both, and I’m going to go fix us some dinner, okay? Something much better than stale brownies.”
“Um, stale brownies are only some of the best food in the entire world.”
“You keep thinking that, darling.”
-/-
She’s washing her face the next morning when there’s a knock on the bathroom door, something that makes her practically jump out of her skin. Seriously. She jumps. It might not be out of her skin, but she definitely jumps.
“Holy shit,” she gasps, placing her hands over her racing heart as she looks at Ruby who is absolutely smirking. Like, she is the definition of the Cheshire Cat. It’s almost creepy. “Rubes, you can’t do that. I am not stable enough to be scared out of my mind like that.”
“I texted you several different times, and I rang the doorbell before letting myself in. I gave you every warning I could besides sending you a letter by knight and waiting for your monogrammed stamp of approval.”
She groans, protesting the slightest bit. None of that helps the fact that Emma feels as if she could take off running a marathon on the adrenaline alone. That would be one way to lose the baby weight.
She’s not even allowed to exercise yet, which is killing her. Well, not really. She still feels like she’s fought in a war or something and likes sitting in a haze of tiredness, but the lifelong athlete in her makes the fact that she can’t exercise drive her crazy. It’s probably just the fact that she’s been told she can’t do it. That makes her want to do it more.
It’s funny because that is not at all what’s happening with the fact that she’s been told she can’t have sex. She’s nowhere near ready for that.
“My phone is in the bedroom,” she tells Ruby, her heartbeat finally calming enough for her to step back to the sink and finish washing her face, actually feeling a bit refreshed. She pulls her hair up into a bun, something that is pretty much completely necessary right now, and finally turns back to Ruby. “So how is the outside world, Rubes?”
“Well,” Ruby begins, stepping into the room and propping herself up against the counter, “I’d say it’s a hell of a lot…shinier.” “What is that supposed to mean?”
Ruby holds her hand up into Emma’s eyeline, a ring suddenly in sight…a very familiar ring on her left hand. Holy shit. The world really is shinier.
“You’re engaged,” she shrieks, taking Ruby’s hand in hers and admiring the ring. “Oh my goodness, congratulations.” She wraps Ruby up in a hug, holding her as tightly as she can while rubbing her hand up and down her back. “I am so, so freaking happy for you. You have to tell me everything, okay? I want to hear it all.”
“Thank you, Ems,” Ruby sighs, pulling back and placing her hands on Emma’s shoulders. “I will tell you absolutely everything, but only if you let me hold the chunk monster while I do.”
“You have some interesting names for my family.”
“It’s a gift.”
“And it’s a deal.”
So Ruby tells her all about the engagement, sitting in she and Killian’s bed while holding Andy, who is sleeping away even as Ruby talks. He doesn’t sleep through the night, but he sleeps through the loudest person she knows telling the story of how Graham took her to Ireland last weekend and proposed. It figures. Ruby’s always found ways to just make everything work for her, even if there’s been a few disasters along the way. Honestly, though, the quiet baby thing is definitely the biggest miracle of all of Ruby’s works.
“I mean, I swore I’d never do this after I got engaged and was bombarded with questions when I was still kind of in a haze, but have you thought about the wedding?”
“Small,” she answers immediately, twisting her body toward Emma. “I want small. Or we want small. I mean, you know I don’t have a lot of family and just my small group of friends, and Graham’s family is all high society with all of those people who he knows but doesn’t really know. But he doesn’t want something fancy either. I’m kind of thinking we go somewhere cool, bring our families and favorite friends.” She nudges Emma’s foot with hers. “And then we just have a party. And obviously I wear a fantastic dress.” “Obviously,” Emma laughs, leaning over to the side and picking up the remote for the television, turning it on and flipping through the channels, “but that sounds perfect for you guys, and I absolutely cannot wait for this.” “Well, you’re going to have to because I have no idea when it’s going to be. I’m not in any rush either. I’m excited, you know, but we’re still just us. Getting married only changes a little.”
“True. It’s really because you can’t decide where in the world you want to get married though, right?”
“You know me far too well, Ems,” Ruby sighs. “Oooh, let’s watch The Bodyguard. I’ve heard it’s good.”
“That’s season two that’s on.”
“We’ll figure things out.” “That is so not how these things work. You have to watch from the beginning.” “I don’t think you do.” “You definitely do.” “Debatable.” “It’s really not. You miss so much stuff. You have to watch from the beginning. Oh my God, Rubes. Have you not been watching shows from the beginning this entire time?”
Ruby giggles beside her, covering her mouth with her hand while her eyebrows move across her forehead. “Why are you acting like I’ve just insulted your kid?”
“Because this is insane, and I’m seriously rethinking our friendship.” “Guess you don’t get to come to the wedding then, so I’ll make it somewhere you really like.”
“You’re evil.” “You’re crazy.” “Yeah, whatever.”
Because she absolutely refuses to watch a show starting on season two, she finds season one, and they start to watch it while Ruby’s over. Indy jumps up into bed with them, sniffing at Ruby before moving onto to Andy. She was a bit nervous over having a newborn and a dog in the same place, but it’s gone well, the two of them seeming to like each other. Though, she’s not really sure how Andy feels about a big furry creature. He’s probably extremely confused. She would be too if she had no idea what a dog is.
But it’s nice to have Ruby over where it’s just them. Her house has basically been a revolving door of multiple people bombarding them at once and all talking about the baby, and as much as they’re all trying to help, it’s overwhelming. This is much better. It’s relaxing, it’s entertaining, and she’s really appreciative of being able to talk about something other than how much her son is going to the bathroom.
Though she does just want to talk about him all of the time. It’s a weird sensation, but she’s watching herself to make sure she doesn’t overwhelm anyone. She and Killian can just be the weird ones who talk to each other about how cute their kid is.
Killian knows a woman who had a baby and told everyone that their kid farted all of the time, but that they were cute farts. If she ever gets to that point, she kind of hopes that she is committed to whatever crazy institution there is for parents who are weirdly obsessed with their kids.
Ruby can’t stay forever, having to go help Granny out at the restaurant before the late lunch rush, and after she leaves, it’s just Emma and Andy who has decided that since Ruby isn’t around, he’s just not going to sleep. He’s simply going to stare up at Emma for the rest of the day…or his life. She’s not sure.
So maybe she’s not the only one who’s weird.
At least he’s calm. And not crying. She really appreciates the not crying thing, but she knows it can start any minute. It’s kind of like not knowing when a land mine is going to go off.
Did she really just compare her child to a land mine? It’s the being left alone to her thoughts thing, isn’t it?
She puts Andy down in his bassinet before stretching out her limbs, giving them some relief from basically always being folded in one way. It feels good, relaxing, and even though she knows she’s not supposed to exercise, she can pace around the room and stretch the smallest bit while she watches the news. It’s not something she usually does, not wanting to see anything about herself on there, especially with how irrationally pissed people were over her not presenting Andy to the world, but sometimes she likes to watch when Killian is out doing an engagement so she can see a bit about his day when he’s not available to talk.
It’s kind of like some kind of creepy stalkerish way to check up on her husband, but honestly, it’s not the weirdest thing in the world. Plus, it’s kind of fun to see him in action.
And she’s ridiculously proud of him, so there’s that.
She’s also ridiculously attracted to his face…and the rest of him, so there’s that too.
Sure enough, after watching it for a few minutes, they show a clip of Killian at the homeless shelter. He’s got an apron on and is chopping up something while animatedly talking to the man next to him. She’s not really sure who he is or how Killian got roped into cooking today. He probably offered.
No, he definitely offered. She just knows.
“Look, baby,” she sighs to Andy as she moves back over to him and picks him up, bringing him over to the television, “there’s daddy. Yeah, there he is.” She knows that he’s not really recognizing anything or understanding that his dad is on TV, but she likes to think it helps him, that it soothes him.
It soothes her.
When Killian’s segment is over, she realizes that she should probably leave the bedroom at some point today other than to just let Indy outside, so she takes her new sidekick downstairs, fixing herself something to eat before settling down in the living room. So it’s not really that different than staying up in the bedroom, but it’s a change of pace, a change of room. Plus, the comfortable recliner is down here, and it’s always been one of her favorite places to sit.
Instead of watching TV like she’s been doing all day, she watches her son. She watches the way his lips open and close and the way he resembles Killian in even that way. It’s ridiculous. He’s even got dimples. If he starts moving his brows all of the time, she really isn’t going to know what to do.
She’s so in love with him that it’s ridiculous.
Oh, and she likes the way he smells. Every thought she has makes her feel like she should be in that institution, but she really doesn’t care. The baby farts thing is not cute, but the way her baby smells is. It’s weird, and she never understood people who said things like that, but she loves the smell of him and the softness of his skin. Seriously, it’s ridiculously soft, and she could run her fingers over it forever. She could mess with the smallness of his toes and fingers forever.
“You are my favorite person,” she tells him as he makes the smallest little noises, likely trying to communicate something with her. “Yeah, baby. You are my favorite person, and I love you so very much. Don’t tell daddy though. I think he might not like that you’re my favorite person, which is just ridiculous because I know for a fact that you’re also daddy’s favorite person. He loved me for eight years, and then he met you and all of the sudden, I’m upstaged. But it’s okay. I’ll be upstaged by you any day.”
His eyes open and close over and over again, revealing the blue that she could stare at all day long. She does stare at it all day long. His eyes are beautiful, and she loves them. She can’t stop thinking about how much she loves his eyes.
Sometimes she thinks about her parents, how this was once them with her, and she has a difficult time understanding. Or, well, comprehending. She has a difficult time comprehending. Her parents love her. She doesn’t doubt that at all, but she can’t really imagine them loving her quite this much.
“Should we go for a walk now, bud?” she asks Andy, tickling his stomach the slightest bit. “Or do we want to do tummy time? You didn’t like that yesterday, but we’ve got to do it. You could always sleep, and we could make daddy do it with you. Yeah? We can just leave him to all of the not fun stuff. He’s weird, and he likes it.”
Andy obviously doesn’t respond to her, but she does get up out of the chair and walk with him up to his nursery so she can change his diaper and his clothes, putting him in a onesie that makes it look like he has on jeans and a plaid shirt. It’s so dumb, but she likes it. And she thinks she’s going to take him out on a walk, let him fall asleep in the stroller while she gets some fresh air with the dog.
Maybe she’ll stop by and see if Abigail’s home too. She had the taste of adult interaction, and she kind of wants more of it. So after getting him situated and whistling for Indy to come with them, she wanders outside of the apartment and into the crisp October air.
When the hell did it get to be October? How did that happen? Just last week was Killian’s birthday, wasn’t it? It had to have been. There’s no way it was an entire month ago. But it apparently was, and the heat of summer has faded away into the comfortableness of October, the temperatures evening out and the leaves beginning to change and morph into brighter, warmer colors.
Oh shit. It’s her birthday on Saturday. She’d been so preoccupied thinking about how that’s when Andy’s four weeks old that she completely forgot her own birthday. She’s never liked the day that much, but she should probably know when it is. Or maybe not. She’s turning twenty nine and that’s far too close to thirty for her liking. She likes being twenty eight.
It’s a good age.
Yeah, the next kid needs to be born in February or something. She won’t be heavily pregnant during the summer, and it won’t be in between all of the big family events. They’ve got to plan better.
Her vagina still hurts too much for her to be thinking about the next kid. That needs to stop.
After walking in the gardens for long enough, Indy having gotten to spend enough time outside that her bursts of energy have calmed down, she makes her way over to Abigail’s and knocks on the front door before ringing the bell. It only takes a moment before the door is opened by Liam who has two children hanging onto his ankles.
So fun times then.
“Hello, darling,” Liam greets, grunting the slightest bit as Lizzie and Alex scream out her name in greeting, “to what do I owe the pleasure of getting to see you and your brood of monsters?” She raises a brow, not sure what exactly he means by her brood of monsters until he points down to his kids. “We’re monsters today because Mummy is off at work. Your monsters seem much calmer.” “One of my monsters is asleep,” she says quietly, continuing to move the stroller back and forth, “but I was wondering if we could come sit with you all even if Abigail is gone.” “Ah, I’ve always known you only liked me because of Abigail.” “Correction. I only liked you because I love your brother. And now your wife is my best friend, but you do okay.” “Well, it’s all I ask,” Liam asks, backing up from the door with slow steps. “You’re all welcome to come in, and join the madhouse.”
So she does, wandering in after Liam and his little monsters. She has no idea how he’s walking with them attached to him like that, but she has to stifle her laugh every time he picks up his pace and Alex relaxes his body to make himself be dead weight, stopping Liam in his tracks. It’s hysterical, especially when Indy tries to nip after their toes and they try to climb further up Liam’s legs.
She’s led into their living room, toys scattered absolutely everywhere, and she gets a weird glimpse into their future. Their house will be an absolute disaster, and Killian will be in the corner of a room somewhere having a meltdown over everything not being clean.
Yeah, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
“So, Emma, how are you? Are you feeling better yet also feeling like you’re going a little crazy?”
“Exactly,” she sighs, sitting down on the corner of the couch and putting Andy next to her. “I can’t describe it, but you did pretty much.” “Alex, Lizzie,” Liam sighs, “go play with the dog for a minute, but be gentle.” Amazingly, they both release Liam’s legs and move to play with Indy. She’s happy to let them pet her, probably loving all of the attention, and she’s somehow managed to provide entertainment for both her dog and her nieces and nephews. “Wow, I did not expect that to work. Maybe we should get a dog.”
“I mean, I don’t think getting a puppy to distract you from your kids is your best idea. It’s basically like having an extra baby. But they are so dang cute. And fluffy.”
“This is a good point. We’ll just let your dog also be our dog.”
“I think she’d like that.” Her foot keeps moving the stroller back and forth, knowing that it’ll keep Andy asleep. “So where’s Abi today?”
“Visiting a few schools. I think she should be back soon, probably about the same time that these two have to take their naps. I’m pretty sure she timed it that way.” “Well, you know Abigail. She’s very conniving.”
“Exactly. I always have to be on my toes.”
She and Liam talk for a little while longer while Lizzie and Alex entertain themselves with their toys and Indy. Every now and then they get distracted and climb all over her lap, telling her all about Alex’s fifth birthday last week that she missed. She hates that she missed it, felt terrible about it, but she really wasn’t feeling up to leaving the house then. So she definitely doesn’t mind listening to them both talk about the dinosaur cake Alex had and just how yummy it was.
She kind of wonders if there’s still some of the dinosaur cake left.
“What kind of cake should I have for my birthday, guys?” she asks them, readjusting Lizzie on her knee. “I like the dinosaur, but I feel like I need my own cake.” “Peppa Pig,” Lizzie suggests. “It can be strawberry because she’s pink.”
Her words are broken, strawberry not coming out fully, but Emma gets the gist. She can pretty much interpret toddler speak like a pro now.
“Yeah? I do like Peppa.”
“I like dogs,” Alex tells her while he continues to scratch behind Indy’s ears. “You should get a cake in the shape of a dog.”
“Yeah, but then how will Indy feel about that?”
“Probably good if you let her eat some? Do dogs like cake?”
“No, they don’t,” Liam adds in from his spot, still cradling his nephew in his arms.
“They should like cake. It tastes good, and it gives you lots of energy.” Alex lays out on the ground, stretching out his limbs. “I like cake. It’s what we should have for dinner, Daddy.”
“Why don’t you ask Mummy about that, bud?”
“Because she’ll say no, and I want cake.”
“You can have cake at my birthday on Saturday,” she tells Alex, trying to stop the meltdown before it happens. She doesn’t even know if they’re doing anything, if she’s going to feel like doing anything, but now she knows she’s going to have to have cake. Maybe it’ll be in the shape of Peppa Pig or a dog…or maybe it’ll just be a regular cake. She could really go for one right now. “It tastes better if you wait for it, you know?”
Lizzie sighs next to her. “I like cake, Emmy.”
“Yeah, baby, me too.”
She leaves when Andy begins to get fussy, figuring she doesn’t want to weigh Liam down with any other screaming kids, so she says her goodbyes, grabs her kid, and whistles for her dog to come so that they can make their way home.
-/-
“I am so, so sorry for running late,” Killian tells her when he rushes in the door several hours after she got home. She’s already had dinner, put Andy down to sleep for what she hopes is a few hours, and she was wondering what exactly was taking Killian so long when she already saw him near the end of his engagement when she checked the news again when she got home. “I got caught up talking to some of the volunteers there and then somehow was roped into helping for a bit longer.” He leans down and presses a quick kiss against her forehead. “I’m guessing you already ate.”
“I did,” she tells him, patting the seat on the couch next to her until he sits down, immediately unbuttoning a few more buttons on his shirt and shredding his jacket. “There’s some leftover pasta if you want it.”
“I might later,” he tells her, twisting toward her and placing his hand on her cheek until she turns to him so that he can brush his lips over hers. “How was your day? Is Andy already asleep? Did he have a good day? Did you?”
“Breathe,” she laughs, leaning back against the couch and propping her feet up on the ottoman. “Yes, he’s asleep. You can spend time with him when he inevitably wakes up, and he and I both had a good day. I missed you, though. Replaced you with your brother for a little while.” “Yeah, I’m going to need a little more context to that particular sentence.”
“I mean, obviously I meant that I left you for your brother for a few hours. You know, I have always thought that his graying hair is so much sexier than yours.” Killian chuckles next to her before grabbing her knee and squeezing, his fingers tapping over her leggings. “You’re a regular comedian.” “I don’t know how many times we have to go over this without you constantly bringing it up. I obviously am one.”
“Obviously,” he agrees. “I’m glad you had a good day. Mine was good too. I wasn’t harassed by the media that was there since I know you’re going to ask, and everyone working with me at the shelter was top notch. They had me cooking.” “That’s risky by them.” “I am an excellent cook, and you know it.”
“Sure, Jan.” “You’ve had too much time on the internet lately.”
“Please, that joke has been around for years. And you understood it, so obviously you have too.”
“I’m just a big Brady Bunch fan.” “Liar.”
Killian sits with her for a little longer, catching her up on the rest of his day while she does the same. She knew that they’d spent an inordinate amount of time together lately, but she didn’t really realize it until Killian went out and did something without her so that they can actually talk about their days…without having experienced them with each other. It seems far too codependent for her taste, and it’s just one of those things where she has to remind herself that things are different right now. They won’t always be.
She won’t always be a new mom, and Killian won’t always be far too nervous about…everything. The man would likely take down an entire military force to protect she and Andy without question, but he also worries and overthinks things.
A lot.
It’s getting better though, Killian gaining confidence as a dad every day, and while she’s sure that he did want to come home to them today, she knows that when he said he was excited about getting to talk to other adults, he meant it. Even though she stayed home and just walked to Liam’s, she got to do the same.
And it was glorious.
While Killian eats some of the leftover pasta she mentioned, they watch some TV, trying to soak up all of the time that they can with Andy asleep, but as she knows, that doesn’t last long. Killian doesn’t even finish half of his bowl before he’s heading upstairs, telling her to relax, and coming back down twenty minutes later with Andy in his arms.
“Is he hungry?”
“I don’t think so, love,” Killian tells her, settling down on the sofa again. “I just changed him, and he seems to be fine. I’m sure he’ll let us know though.”
“That is the truest statement you’ve ever said.” She gets up from the couch, her feet sliding a bit in her socks. “I’m going to go feed Indy before I forget and she tackles one of us.”
She lets Killian do pretty much everything besides feeding Andy, letting him spend time with him since she knows that’s what he’s itching to do. It’s nice after being the only one taking care of him all day, and she takes the time to call her parents, catching up with them on one of their breaks from work. The pub has apparently been extraordinarily busy lately, and while they really have visited nearly every other day, she can tell just how stressed out her parents are from everything. Even Will said that her mom nearly snapped at a patron the other day, and it made him almost drop his tray of drinks. But they seem to be okay today. Busy, but okay.
Getting Andy ready to go to bed takes longer than she thought it would. They attempt a bath in the plastic tub for the first time, and he absolutely hates it. Like a lot. He hates it a lot. So instead of forcing the issue today, they go back to a sponge bath, change his clothes, feed him, change his diaper again, and continuously try to stop the crying.
It’s a lot of crying.
She might cry.
But eventually Killian manages to get him to sleep, whispering soft words and telling him all about his day like he did to Emma earlier. It’s just in a much more soothing way, one that thankfully makes Andy fall asleep at about the same time that Emma is letting herself crawl into bed, the day finally taking its toll on her. Killian joins her a few minutes later after he’s changed out of his suit and gone through his nighttime routine, the one she did for herself while letting him deal with all of the hysteria.
Marriage is an equal partnership or whatever. Isn’t that how the saying goes? She’s not really sure. She’s exhausted, but she likes to think that she and Killian are pretty equal in things. She kind of feels like she’s been the one putting in the hard yards lately, but it’s not like Killian can give birth or breastfeed.
But what if he could?
Nope. She’s not going there. She obviously just needs to go to sleep.
She turns on her side and wraps her arms around her pillow. She’s kicking around, trying to find the pillow she likes to keep between her thighs, when she feels Killian move next to her and gently nudge his leg in between hers while his arm rests on her waist, the weight comfortable. She’s finally content, even when he nudges her head over for his arm, and she’s convinced that laying like this has never felt this comfortable.
Her pillow is kind of missed though. She’ll get it later when Killian inevitably moves back to his side of the bed in the middle of the night.
She feels his lips and his scruff against her shoulder before he moves back and lays his head against his own pillow. They’re silent, just the sounds of their breathing and the ceiling fan above the bed filing the room, and she’s nearly asleep, the lids of her eyes heavy, when all of the sudden Killian is moving off of the bed. He moves in such a quick motion that he nearly knees her, and she has no idea what’s going on until he’s standing over Andy’s bassinet and staring down at him.
“What in the world are you doing?” “It was too quiet,” he whispers, nearly reaching down and touching Andy until he pulls back, seemingly stopping himself before he gets rid of the quiet moment. “I don’t know why. I just…I had to check. I know we want him to be quiet after the past two hours, but it was far too quiet.” “You’re crazy,” she says flatly, truly meaning it. “We were literally just about to go to bed, and you almost stopped the quiet we worked so hard for.” “I had to make sure.” He looks at Andy once more before slowly making his way back to bed and settling down under the covers on his side of the bed. “Sorry for disturbing you.”
She huffs, flipping over onto her back and reaching down to put her pillow between her legs herself. He’s crazy. He really is, but she’s not sure she can say anything. She might be just as crazy.
She just doesn’t wake Killian up for those crazy reasons.
Most of the time.
Okay, so she definitely wakes him up far too often just because she has a crazy thought. Even before Andy.
“I really am glad they kept me so busy today because I missed you two like something mad when I was left idle. I felt absolutely ridiculous, but I did. I really did.” “That’s because you’re a good dad and a good husband. Maybe a little crazy, but good overall.” “Thanks,” he laughs, twisting his head. “I agree with all of that.” “Both conceited and humble all at once.” “I’m a man of many talents.” “That you are,” she sighs, leaning over and quickly kissing him, forever appreciating the way that his lips feel against hers. “I love you, but I’m going to sleep, okay? I am exhausted.” “I love you too. I’ll see you in about three hours when he wakes up.” “Yep. See you in about three hours.”
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Yesterday we returned to our hotel after a nailbiter of an experience losing my Disney pass. The reason for our return was that Rachel was leaving for home. Gettin' on a plane and flying outta Orlando.
Appetizers… is part of how we marked the occasion. The other part was realizing how it's quite the blustery day outside. "Blustery" as in maybe the first moves of a hurricane 'cause they just cleared everyone out of the swimming pool.
Now, I just said "hurricane" because that's all I know of Florida and bad weather. What's actually happening, though, is that there's lightning afoot. The thunder that seems to be working its way closer to us makes that perfectly clear.
Not Haunted Mansion thunder, by the way.
Real-as-it-gets thunder.
Very much approaching.
So there's that.
When it's time to go, we're all walking out the door together, down the elevator, along the back of the hotel… at which point there is a lot of thunder.
As in a lot.
We figure that's just Florida throwing a tantrum 'cause Rachel's leaving. Which makes as much sense as anything 'cause this used to be a very sunny, hot day. Like, a couple hours ago.
By the time we reach the front of the hotel, Rachel hails her rideshare and we kill some time taking a bunch of photos of Kimmer and the girls who, most of the time, are making faces.
Okay who am I kidding?
Kimmer was making faces too. 😉
And then Rachel's ride's here and it's hugs all around as we see her away. ☹️
Then it's our turn to hail a rideshare, Linzy, Kimmer, and me.
So now it's five and we're on our ride when, sure enough, the rain starts. Okay the rain pours. I mean serious downpour and we're driving in it… and into more of it. As in there are times when visibility becomes problematic. The road ahead obscures.
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It's like that throughout the rest of our drive. Rain, rain, and more rain. Dumping like buckets. To the point where we all realize that we're exclusively dressed for summer weather.
Whoops.
I mean, seriously.
When we arrive at Epcot's rideshare drop-off, it's still raining. And in one of the sweetest moves ever, our driver offers us her umbrella. She actually offers to give us her umbrella.
I won't lie. That really was sweet as hell.
But.
We are, each of us, Seattle born and raised. We can do this no sweat.
So we decline this most generous offer, bid our fare-thee-wells, throw open the doors, and dash from the car to a nearby bus shelter, under cover with a lot of other travelers, most of whom are draped in parkas.
Kimmer gets into a conversation with a woman who works at the park and brought her own parka because she knew it was gonna rain even though the day started out as probably the hottest and sunniest so far.
By 'n by, the rain abates and we can see a section of sky where it's a sunny day. So we walk boldly into such rain as there is under all the overhangs along the path into Epcot. And then we duck under Spaceship Earth with, well, everyone else who just entered the park.
We notice how all of them, most of them, are wearing parkas as well, so, spying a nearby gift shop, we check to see if we can score some for ourselves.
Of course all those people underneath Spaceship Earth had to get their parkas from somewhere, so… the gift shop was absolutely, positively sold.
Out.
Bummer.
We are from Seattle, though. Also, we know blue sky is on the way so we boldly step out from underneath Spaceship Earth on our way to a dinner in France.
We're not even to the lake when Kimmer orders up a red wine sampler along the path. On her way out, cup in hand, she strikes up a conversation with a couple who's also just scored some tasty wine. The husband's in a motorized wheelchair and talks about how earlier in the downpour he gave his little girls a ride. Piled 'em up. And drove off.
Just like that.
It's also his birthday so we wish him the happiest one.
Now previously, we scored some mighty tasty fillet mignon at the Canada cart. So we move right passed it this time, a few minutes later landing in Ireland for sausage and mashed potatoes.
At this point, the rain's completely stopped and the blue sky is pulling into place right above us.
Ish.
Cross the bridge into France and Linzy dashes ahead to that bakery where she scored that heavenly chocolate mousse the other day. Meanwhile, we stop short at the France cart for Coc au Vin with Pommes Dauphine. Top it off with Creme Brulee with Grande Marnjere for dessert.
Perfection.
Linzy actually grabs a table for the three of us where we can have our meal together. For us, an entree and dessert. For Linzy, just straight up dessert because she just scored three baked chocolate sweets with plenty of frosting.
When dinner comes to its end, we head back to the front of the park to catch the monorail to the Magic Kingdom.
On our way, offers to play photographer whilst we ham it up in front of Spaceship Earth. 🤣
By the way, I always enjoy the monorail between Epcot and the Magic Kingdom. It's a lovely light rail experience in the sky.
Especially as the sun goes down.
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Now we're walking down the ramp at the Transportation Center. Our options at this point are to head up the ramp on the other side of the monorail station... or catch the ferry.
I'm thinking monorail.
Kimmer's thinking monorail.
Linzy, however, suggests the ferry. And since it's how we began this particular Disney adventure, it strikes me as the perfect idea provided we catch the one at the dock right now.
We do catch it, by the way. We are, in fact, last ones to board, climbing the staircase to the upper deck as the lower one's filled up.
That ferry ride across the lake to the Magic Kingdom is one won't forget anytime soon. The sun was actively setting at that moment and we were literally experiencing magic hour on our way to the Magic Kingdom.
It was breathtaking.
Once inside the gates, we head straight for that Starbucks halfway up Main Street U.S.A. on the right.
Why?
Well, because the two frosted baked sweets bought in France are melting inside the thin cardboard box holding them.
And that won't do.
So we're looking for a plastic container or cup with a lid to keep those tasty treats in one piece.
Ish.
After that, Linzy heads to an Adventureland or Frontierland gift shop for a friend whilst we split another Dole Whip Pineapple Swirly.
Now, we're in the last hour of the park being open. No worries, though, because we only have one item on our Last Thing To Do In Disneyland lost.
Big.
Thunder Mountain.
Railroad.
What can I say? This ride is the most iconic of all our Disney family adventures. The reason for that's because it's the one consistent ride across both parks. It's the same ride in both parks, neither one better than the others. Which makes it the perfect touchstone of our collective family memories.
And right before we enter the building on our way to the front of the line?
Yeah.
Pyrotechnic artistry begins exploding above Cinderella's Castle and Fantasyland.
The timing was exquisite.
And pretty wonderful to take in between the three "mountains" that define the ride.
After Big Thunder Mountain, Linzy wanted to walk over to Fantasyland where, provided she didn't care about the the projection mapping on Sleeping Beauty's Castle, she'd have a better view.
Which.
She.
Did.
She got magnificent, slow motion video of the fireworks expanding dramatically above us.
Okay.
Kimmer had been talking Peter Pan's Flight since the previous evening when she 'n I experienced it. And, with magnificent fireworks video captured inside her phone, Linzy decide to give it a go.
So we all jump into a sailing ship and soar high above London together.
And then we're done.
Oh sure, we tried to sneak into the Seven Dwarfs Mine ride... and we were almost successful... but alas. We got busted and sent on our way.
This time, instead of using a hidden side street, we walk back down Main Street U.S.A. 'cause Linzy has one more friend for whom to shop. Not before we snap some awesome photos of Sleeping Beauty's Castle, though. 😉
After that, a Collison-Ris innovation. You see, it costs a bunch to get back to our hotel from the Transportation Center. Plus, there's a lot of people also calling in rideshares. So chances are we've gotta lotta waiting in front of us to which we're not looking forward.
Woof.
The innovation is, since the Disney buses connect all the resorts to the parks, we can take a bus to the resort closest to our hotel for free... and then call in a rideshare.
Linzy figured out which resort that would be, Saratoga Springs, 11 minutes from our hotel, so we joined the long line of people at bus stop 17.
It didn't take long at all, delivering us home in about 45 minutes.
Quick fun fact:
On our way down the sidewalk along the side of our hotel, we crossed paths with a New York chef. He was moving awfully slow and awkward using crutches.
You see, he had knee replacement surgery on his left knee three months ago... making his left knee his good knee. In the meantime, his right knee... is I'm pretty bad shape.
Two months... 'til it gets replaced.
Now the reason this is a fun fact isn't because he's a chef. And it isn't because he's from New York.
He's from the Bronx.
And he speaks like he's from the Bronx, if you know what I mean. He didn't just say his family's three-bedroom was a castle, he emphasized how it was a fudging castle.
Only he didn't say "fudging".
And then we were back at our rooms. Linzy did some laundry. We watched the Big Bang Theory Disneyland episode. The ones where the girls skip out on their jobs for the day and get made up like Disney princesses at the park.
And then like that!
We're asleep.
When I wake up this morning it's not the 530AM I've been doing all week long for our Disney Days. It's 930 in the morning and I've got that song "Remember Me" from Pixar's "Coco" playing sweetly I'm my head.
This.
Was a slow morning.
A slooooooooow...
Morning.
Kimmer's easing into the day out on the balcony. Linzy's taking her time packing.
By 10:45 she's got it all wrapped up and we're sitting around the kitchen island for homemade breakfast sandwiches 'n Trader Joe's lattes while looking over yesterday's Dispo photos from Linzy's camera.
Stunning. Is all I can say.
Gorgeous.
Beautiful.
Inspired.
Delightful.
Totally pro quality.
So yeah. Turns out I have a bunch of things to say about those pictures.
After, she showed us the latest from Ariana Grande (the song that starts with a looper) & Bruno Mars (his most recent with that specific seventies vibe) before we all left the room to walk to the front of the hotel for a few final family photographs and our last moments together...
...before her ride scooped her up.
Took her away.
And then...
It was just the two of us.
🙂
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Requiem for a Bartender
By David Himmel
When I was growing up at summer camp in Decatur, Michigan, I would overhear tales of a mystical place called the M-40. The camp counselors—men and women of drinking age and those close enough—would gather at this M-40 after long days in the summer sun wrangling rambunctious children. In the mornings, huddled over Styrofoam cups of coffee from the mess hall, they’d reconnect the pieces from their nights. Some wore M-40 t-shirts purchased from the bar. Kids with a few bucks cash could find the right counselor to buy them a shirt. They would wear it with pride until the camp owners caught wind and banned the t-shirts. After all, you can’t have alcoholism advertised by thirteen-year-old kid billboards at a summer camp designed to churn out intelligent, diversified members of society.
I never had the scratch for a t-shirt, but I was determined to one day go drinking—whatever that was—at the M-40. And when I could do that, I’d get me a t-shirt.
It wasn’t the beer that I was so drawn to. It was the camaraderie the counselors seemed to share because of this place. The M-40, I’d come to learn, was the closest thing to reattachment to the real world beyond the bubble of a summer spent in ignorant bliss. Because of the way legend takes form, this little bar in this little southwestern Michigan farming town transcended drinking. It was a mecca of love and good times.
✶
I’m struggling to write this. It’s almost a year since we went in to pandemic lockdown. I’m struggling to write this in the same way I’ve struggled to write anything over the last year. In short, I’m tired of sitting. Tired of typing. Tired of completing almost every interaction through a computer screen. But right now, the struggle is comfortably different. Right now, I want nothing more than to be at a bar, slouched over the wood engaged in deep conversation and debate over the most importantly trivial of matters, drinking beer—lots of it—from room temperature mugs that began frosty while pumping five dollar bills into the jukebox stacking the playlist with ’90s grunge and alt-rock with the occasional disco, Motown, or Credence Clearwater Revival slipped in for spice.
Specifically, I want to be drinking at the M-40. The M-40 before the fire. Before it was gutted and cleaned up. The M-40 with the gently tilted pool table and the low lights and the bathroom doors that don’t latch. The M-40 where we could smoke and dance on the banquet chairs. The M40 where all our summer friends were together all at once and where Steve the bartender kept the good times rolling by taking our money and filling our pitchers, feeding us quality burgers and the most perfect mozzarella sticks to ever grace a taste bud.
That’s all I want to do now. That’s the only place I want to be. And I have Steve to thank for this kind, nostalgic struggle.
✶
Steve McIntyre, who died February 17 at 47 years old from complications of diabetes, wasn’t the first bartender I met. He wasn’t the first bartender I befriended. But Steve was the bartender that was most impactful. I learned to drink in Decatur. First, as a teenage camp counselor where three cans of Miller Lite would put me on my ass like I was leaving Las Vegas. I graduated to Jim Beam and Coke on picnic blankets late at night down at the Lake of the Woods Public Access boat ramp. And then, finally, when I was twenty-one and old enough to saddle up to three foot of wood in front of a mirror and a rack of snack size potato chips, I drank pitchers of beer at the M-40.
As camp counselors, we were a ragtag group of kids from mostly midwestern states. The rest of us were Australians, Brits, Israelis, Dutch, Germans… A global economy with collective goals—drink, laugh, dance, play pool, maybe screw, try not to puke.
The Decatur Townies didn’t like us. We were the “Jew counselors” from that “Jew Camp” down the road. It was far from an accurate description of us, but the feeling was palpable. We always tried to make friends with Townies—an affectionate and accurate term for the year-round regulars. Despite the stinkeye that came from those select townies, we camp folks thrived. And, while I’ve never seen the M-40 books, it’s impossible to assume that our time there did anything other than help feed the bottom line with delicious American USD.
Steve ran the joint. Tending bar was the family business. His father, Tom, ran it the generation before mine. Steve and I became fast friends. That’s the bartender’s job, after all—to befriend their loyal patrons. But I was also young, boiling over with energy, and thirsty to learn the ways of drinking legally in public. Steve gave me, gave so many of us that arena.
The drinks were cheap. The food was good. The company was always preferable to any other. There were the big nights out where twenty of us counselors would make the short drive from camp to the M-40 and join the twenty or thirty Townies for loud dancing and heavy drinking, but there were the quieter nights, too.
I shouldn’t, but I do remember the night I, along with Jorg Stender, my counterpart back down at the sail dock, saddled up at the bar. Jorg was in the mood for Beam and Cokes. Steve happily obliged. A few Townies were at the other end of the bar as Jorg and I drank and talked, drank and talked, drank and talked. Every other drink, as if he were a finely tuned Swiss watch, Steve would come by, join us for a few minutes of casual conversation. He slid perfectly into and out of the deep, drunken nonsense Jorg and I were churning out.
I worked at the camp only one summer while old enough to drink at the M-40 but I kept in touch with Steve over the winters and the years. He (and the bar) was on my Holiday Letter mailing list. On occasion, when drinking on my own, I’d pick up the phone and (drunk) dial the bar just to talk to Steve. It wasn’t out of loneliness, it was out of a desire to have a drunken conversation with my favorite bartender. He’d always say, “When you come back out here, Dave, we gotta go fishing.” I would have liked that. But distance and other silly excuses kept that fishing trip from happening.
A few times we made our way to The 40 to see Steve during the winter months, again, long after I had stopped working summers there. So, sometimes, it’d be years from when we last saw Steve. The surprised but welcoming look on his face when we’d walk through the door felt better than even that first cold beer.
In early 2001, a small group of us headed to The 40. I was home from college in Las Vegas. Dan Bates, Doug Bates, James Boulware, and Jeff Miner all made the few hours’ drive to meet at the M-40 for a single night of revelry. The bar was mostly empty. We had Steve all to ourselves. The six of us got good and loaded falsely accepting invitations to go fishing with Steve, but desperately wishing we had the availability that coming summer to cast a line and crack a beer in Steve’s fishing boat on that summer lake of ours in the woods.
We brought an even bigger gang of summertime friends in October of 2004 to celebrate Miner’s fortieth birthday. Miner was the elder of the group and about thirteen of us old camp pals traveled in from all over the country to celebrate Miner’s advanced age at the most appropriate place possible: the M-40. This celebration even gave me and one of the great loves of my life an opportunity to reconnect as part of the party planning committee. No romance was rekindled, but we hadn’t talked in more than four years proving that Steve’s M-40 was the Great Uniter. Would everyone have flown in to celebrate Miner if the party were at a Dave & Buster’s? I’d like to think so, but probably not.
✶
During the summer of 2000, there was a second bar counselors would frequent on nights out called BT’s located a town over in Sister Lakes. BT’s was easy on fake IDs, so the underage kids preferred it to The 40. One day, my seventeen-year-old brother asked if he could borrow my ID to get into the bar. Despite him being a few inches lankier than I am, we could easily pass for one another.
“Yeah, you can use it tonight,” I told him, “but do not take this to the M-40. Steve knows me. You won’t get it. It’ll be a bad move. BT’s only.”
The instructions were simple. My brother did not follow them. The next night, I went to The 40 not knowing what my brother had tried and the first thing Steve said to me was, “Dave.” He was disappointed. “What’s this bullshit with your brother using your ID to get in her last night?” I was embarrassed, apologetic, and furious.
The following morning, I caught up to my brother walking back from breakfast in the mess hall. “Eric!” I shouted to him as I ran to catch up. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
“What?” he said incredulously.
“You took my ID to The 40. You did the one thing I asked you not to do.”
“So? I didn’t get in.”
“I know! But you pissed off Steve and made me look like an asshole. And you put the rest of the counselors in a bad light. Steve’s my friend and you tried to pull one over on him.”
Eric got more defensive. I got more angry. Then Doug and James had to pull me off of him and remind me that beating my younger brother to a pulp in front of campers was an even worse idea than trying to get one past Steve. But was it?
As the years went on, the M-40 lost its status as the bar for counselors to go to. The next generation didn’t have the affection for it, didn’t see its charm, didn’t appreciate how Steve and his bartenders wouldn’t let nineteen-year-olds drink. And after too many of-age counselors causing too much trouble, the M-40 unofficially closed its doors to those counselors from that “Jew camp.” And I get it. These kids ruined a good thing they never took the time to understand.
✶
The news of Steve’s death came to us via the M-40 Facebook page. Dan Bates texted a small group of us the link. I quickly shared it in a larger text then a Facebook message. Through our phones, these old camp friends had our own little memorial for Steve, the lovable bartender, the best Townie in Decatur, the man who wanted to take us fishing.
Today’s M-40 doesn’t look or feel like it does in our memories. It’s brighter now, fresher. A fire a few years back cleaned the place up a bit. I think it lost the charm in the smoke and flames, but Steve was always there. And like any bartender worth their salt-rimmed glasses, that was enough to keep me charmed.
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Week 9
Elijah is someone I’ve known for a very long time. He was a penpal of mine growing up, I met him on a penpal forum called Students of the World. This website was like any other website you may find during the early 2000s and remains much the same. It looks so ancient that you both inwardly and outwardly cringe, saying “graphic design is my passion”. But I found a lot of very good friends on this website. We met when I was 11 or 12 and we learned very quickly that we have the same birthday, March 27th. To this day I refer to him as my birthday buddy. He was born in Utah and lived there with his dad but moved to North Carolina with his mom and stepdad when we had met. He was always this sort of punky art guy, in high school he was very eccentric and liked taxidermy. He’d send me lots of pictures of skulls from different animals and the taxidermy he had done. I always thought it was a little weird, but I cared about him. I still do. When college rolled around he was dating this girl outside of Pittsburgh. He got accepted to Full Sail University in Florida but chose his second option at the Art Institute in Pittsburgh. He really liked it there and started tattooing and experimenting with body mods and piercings. He would also wear a lot of leather and be extremely punky. We kind of drifted in and out of talking often, but we were always friends. I can talk to him about anything. During this phase we started talking about me driving out to see him in Pittsburgh or flying out since I was in Milwaukee. As of 2019 this has still not happened, though. But it’s okay, we will one day! Eventually his program in Pittsburgh was ousted and he was left without a degree and lots of student debt. He broke up with his girlfriend and started dating someone else. He’s moonlighting now at a tattoo parlor in State College, PA and relatively unhappy with his girlfriend but what can you do about that besides buck up or move on. Today we are still very close and confide in each other a lot. I think about if I had met him in person today I’d probably be very afraid of him and intimidated, but inside he’s just a big teddy bear who I cherish a lot. He’s one of my best friends despite being very opposite in our religious views. I think he has taught me never to judge someone before you get to know them because what’s on the outside doesn’t reflect what’s on the inside.
Stephen is someone I met on Bumble while I went to St Norbert. He lived in Appleton, which is something I had never really had connections with. I lived in Appleton but all of my friends lived at school, while I was commuting to SNC and far from Milwaukee, Madison, or Whitewater. I joined Bumble to try to make some friends my age in the area. This was sort of interesting to me. Similarly to Elijah, Stephen was also very into leather and studs. He owned a punk house in Appleton and plays in a powerviolence band. He is not religious, either. He moved out to Baltimore this fall and I miss him a lot. In the year we knew each other he spent a lot of time showing me his world. I had never realized that there was such an independent punk/powerviolence scene in Appleton, my hometown where I thought the most exotic thing was kids coming to Lawrence University from the Bronx in New York. He opened my mind to a lot of new and fun things in Appleton and I appreciate him a lot.
Grant is from Waukesha and he’s another interesting fellow. He’s one of my friends from high school internet experiences and he is one hell of a wild ride. He is the first person I knew who sold drugs and did them on the regular. This kid is a genius, by the way. He is my age (21) and he has already graduated college and has been in the workforce for a year. When I met him he was 17 and in his second year of college. I remember the first time I met him in person was maybe my second year of college. He was a single guy and he would tell me explicit details about his sex life and this was the first time I felt comfortable telling someone else about my own sex life. He made me feel really accepted. He also tried to sell me shrooms a few times, but that’s a whole other story. He told me that acid wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be and he honestly just confused me. He lives in Wausau now and I just don’t get him to this day. He’s dating someone but something tells me he can’t be monogamous. I am interested to see how he moves on in life.
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Day 1-10
Here is my journey so far on Carnival Imagination. If you're confused reading my posts then you're on the same track as me. Got thrown into this chaos some people call glamorous. So far I see it as a lot of hard work and trying not to get in trouble.
May 14, 2017 Day 1. Walked into my room to “meet” my roommate. She was sleeping and even though she heard me come in did not budge. So I went out into the hallway to cry so she wouldn’t hear me. When I got back she was showering. Finally we met and she didn’t say anything. I tried to ask her questions but she didn’t seem interested. Then she said bye and left. Another excuse to hysterically cry again. I unpacked and realized she’s using up a lot of what is supposed to be my space. This room is so small it’s humorous. I met two girls: Rain from Texas and Eleanor from England. They room together. Their room seems a little bigger than mine and it’s really cute. They’re super sweet and walked me around the ship. They even found parts of my uniform for me. They said I could join their “gang”. They’re around my age which is nice. Eleanor is dating a guy on the ship. I just got back to my room and have an hour until I have to find my supervisor again. I’m a sweaty mess. It’s impossible to get down from this bunk. I’m trying to relax and my roommate is watching a movie and the volume is ridiculously high. Rain and Elle said she’s mean. They said to watch out for the phillipinos. They said my roommate, Ems, is like 30…I’m so annoyed I want someone who will talk to me and help me through this. So unwelcoming. My schedule says I’ll be switching from O2 to Club Ocean throughout this first cruise. I seriously don’t know anything…my magazines fell down to her bunk and I asked if they fell to her and she didn’t say a word. Just handed them back to me. Wtf.
5-15-17 Day 2. Had to be at medical at 8 this morning. I stood there as everyone walked right past me and into the room. The doctor kept saying to stand outside the door and of course I was the only one who listened. Finally someone asked me what I was there for and she explained to me that I needed to go inside and get my medical and stand in line so they can check me. I don’t understand why no one was helping me in the first place. Getting ready this morning was awful. I had to use my phone flashlight for everything. And the shower was awful. It’s also impossible to get down from this freaking bunk it’s fucking terrible. Eating lunch alone. Caesar salad like from the vacation cruises. It’s actually delicious. This is fucking awful. I can’t stop crying and I feel so nauseous from the boat rocking. I worked from 12-5 in camp ocean on the little side and then had training 7-8. I was supposed to work circle c tonight but someone got sick and now I have to work 9-1 and I have to be somewhere at 845 tomorrow morning. My director Carolina is awful. She wouldn’t stop questioning me on my prior training before coming on board. She didn’t understand why I didn’t know certain things as if I’m supposed to know. I haven’t had time to do anything. I need to organize my stuff more and put my magnets on my name tag. Finally back in my bed. It’s 1:07. Tonight was actually really chill and easy. All these typical kids are so weird and say the weirdest things. My roommate just walked in ugh. So fucking awkward and weird. I’m living with a complete stranger. It was nice to have Elle and Rain to talk to today. I found an easier way to get up and down from my bunk but if my roommate is in her bed then I can’t do it. I only had 3 hours of a break today…my supervisor sucks. She’s so unfriendly. I talked to HR today about my contract and how I’m not supposed to be in camp ocean. That’s not what my contract says. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow. I’m scared it’s gonna make me upset though. Especially if I hear my mom or dads voice. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Hopefully Ems doesn’t fucking snore.
5-16-17 Day 3: Had to be at a training at 845 this morning for returning and new employees. They had everyone go around and say what they did on vacation even though she knew there was new people there. When I said it was my first contract everyone turned around and looked at me. I could not keep my eyes open during it. They had to cancel the second part of the training thank the lord because now I can go back to bed. In the training they talked all about being comfortable and welcomed and shit and I wanted to scream. Carolina had a talk with me today. She didn’t understand why I went to HR. I fucking hate her. She’s so rude. HR is there for people that need something. I needed to tell him what was going on and how it is wrong and he agreed. She kept saying okay? Do you understand? Yeah? And I would say yes and nod and she would laugh or shake her head because she didn’t think I understood. Then we had build a bear which was actually really fun. Just very loud and hot because of the lights. Then we went and ate at the lido deck. I ate too much. But I finally pooped!
5-17-17 Day 4: Today was MUCH better. I went to bed at 9 last night. Got up at 11. Ate. Came back and went back to sleep until 3. The boat is so freaking rocky and I feel so sick. I’m laying down which helps but when I’m working it’s so bad. None of my cruises have ever been like this. I’ve been eating sour gummy worms when I don’t feel good. The sugar definitely helps me. Tomorrow we get new people for a new cruise. I feel so shitty right now I don’t even want to sit up to take my medicine. Also Ems woke me up earlier because she was playing John legend so loud and singing along. I was like wtf. I feel like a lot of the time she doesn’t realize I’m up in my bunk. I also woke up to her snoring last night.
5-18-17 Day 5: what the actual fuck. I woke up to my roommate and her friends in our room watching a movie. With the sound on. No headphones. It kept me up for over 2 hours. It’s so rude. I wanna punch her. And she doesn’t leave any room for me. I don’t have any hooks or any room on the desk. And she has something in our bathroom that smells so weird. I’m at immigration right now. We’re stopped in Long Beach. I want to get off so bad and do something fun! I start in circle c this cruise with Alana and then Sunday I’m on my own! So scary. There’s still so much to freaking learn. The food we have is so fucking disgusting. All I’ve been eating in the mess hall is mashed potatoes and bread and butter. Thankfully I get to eat at the lido deck when there’s kids lunch and kids dinner. Otherwise I’d be screwed. I just ate my last sour gummy worm :( Thankfully there’s a candy store on board so hopefully they have some! Right now I’m just laying in bed eating some pretzels. My roommate just walked in so I said hi but that’s it. Hopefully she’s leaving. I keep seeing hot guys but I look like poop so I feel like they don’t even look at me. And I constantly have a resting bitch face because I’m so annoyed half the time. I also feel weird being alone because I feel like people realize I’m new and stare at me like I’m fresh bait or something. I got to talk to Alli and my parents on the phone today which was nice. I have so much Shit I have to read. And I have to pass a safety exam which makes me nervous. It’s 12 now. I don’t start work until 2:30. I’ll probably take a nap. There’s not much else to do because I don’t really know the rules yet and what I can and can’t do. It would be nice to go lay out on the deck. Once I get in the hang of things I’m excited to finally get to do stuff. Like go to a resort at one of our stops and also to see friends and family in Long Beach. That’ll be so nice 😊 Lol my roommate just walked out and didn’t even say bye. Today has been a good day. I did my first safety debriefing with Elle. I also helped register kids and walked around and passed out Circle C fliers. I random guest in the elevator gave me candy which was nice. I also participated in my first sail away party which means dancing with the guests. I was so sweaty. I don’t understand how everyone wears coats around and I’m literally dripping sweat. Stephanie (one of the youth girls) asked if I wanted to room with her today. I have a feeling Ems said something. I haven’t done anything wrong. But I did move the chair today and put my luggage underneath the desk instead. Oops. I’m curious if saying hi and bye isn’t a thing in Ems culture…or maybe she’s just rude. My dad wants me to switch rooms so this is perfect. Tonight I start at Circle C with Alana. She’s training me the next few days and then Sunday I’m on my own! Holy shit the boat just started rocking so bad. Lol my roommate just left and again didn’t say bye. What a bitch. Ugh she already came back. Worked circle c tonight with alannah. It went really well! The kids are super cute but some are weird and annoying af. This one family came in and the mom did not understand why her 8 year old was not allowed in our 12-14 club. She had 2 kids that were in that age range and we told her the other child would have to go to camp ocean. Her words “no they stay together. You make an exception” I explained to her it’s against our policy and she still insisted that “you’re gonna make an exception, thank you”. Eventually we had to call our director who also couldn’t get her point across to the family. They then complained to guest services who also said it is not allowed. At first they parents started walking out the door when we had already told them their youngest child cannot stay. Our club is not check in or check out so the kids can come and go as they please, which is a huge reason why we have the age policy. My roommate and I kinda talked but not really. She’s in charge of the O2 club and my club and hers do a lot of stuff together which is kinda awkward. She’s really silly and fun when she wants to be. Alannah said it’s nothing I’ve done, she’s just a tough one to crack. Not sure when I’m moving rooms. It’ll be good though because me and Ems have the same exact schedule which is hard.
Paolo Olesky
5-19-17 Day 6: I seriously can’t stop sweating. My hair looks like I just took a shower but really it’s just sweat. And everyone else are wearing their jackets and I’m here dropping sweat. I think it might be because I’m nervous and still figuring things out. It’s really nerve racking when it comes to talking to guests and making sure our behavior is up to carnivals standards. I worked in circle c from 12-5. It was seriously so much fun. The kids are awesome and also bring me ice cream :p I have to go back at 830 (in 2 hours) and I’ll be there until 1. I honestly don’t mind though because the kids are fun and we get to play games and do activities that I personally enjoy myself, like karaoke. The boat is super rocky as usual. I’ve been wearing these bands but don’t think they’re doing much. Dramamine has been helping though! But it’s not healthy to take that everyday for the next 3 months. Today Carolina told me that me and alannah are going to be rotating between circle c and club ocean……..which is not what I signed up for. Long story short: alannah has been in circle c the past couple of months to cover for the girl that left. Well I came to take over circle c but the office didn’t realize that alannah wanted it and actually already had an interview scheduled. So by the time my director emailed them back saying they didn’t need me, I was already on the plane. I really don’t want to be with the little kids but maybe it won’t be too bad. I’m drunk. Oops. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. I’m being so loud though because my roommate sucks and deserves revenge.
5-20-17 Day 7: I went out last night! There was a techno party in the crew bar. Then we went to the night club. I feel like shit though. My fucking roommate woke me up snoring alllllll night. I just had to go to a safety drill. My director picked me out of everyone…I had no idea what I was doing. And of course now I’m dripping sweat. I can’t wait to buy a fan. Slept all day until I had to work. And of course my roommate was snoring. I took a video of it too lol. When my dad snores if I make any noise he’ll stop but this girl was not buying it. I even turned my alarm on with my phone on full blast and she still didn’t wake up…like wtf. She sounded like a dying bear. Tomorrow Winslow is gonna pick me up. It’ll be nice to get off this damn ship. I have to take my safety exam tomorrow though and move rooms so it’ll be a busy day. Starting tomorrow I’ll be alone in circle c which is really exciting. The kids are super fun but when it comes to the parents I totally freeze up. My throat is starting to hurt. And last time that happened I felt like I was on my death bed. I took a NyQuil praying it helps before it gets worse. It’s been a longgggggg week. Tomorrow morning I get my keys to my new room. Which also means I gotta move all my shit. I’m excited to be on land though and get some stuff done. There’s so many rules with this job it’s crazy. So much paperwork and silly things that have to be done. It’s very confusing and just not needed at all.
5-21-17 Day 8: Today was a really good day. I woke up early and switched rooms. I made sure I was as loud as possible when I was moving my stuff because my rude ex roommate was sleeping. After moving in Winslow came and picked me up. I haven’t seen her in a freaking year. So crazy. We went to brunch with some of her friends and then we went to Rite Aid because I needed to buy some stuff. My supervisor Carolina pissed me off as usual. We were giving out wrist bands to the kids and she ran up to me and Eleanor asking why we were letting the tails hang off of the bands. She said she got a call from someone about it…like wtf. Me and Eleanor were making sure we clicked the extra band back under AKA the phillipino girl also handing out the bands was the one fucking up but of course nothing was said to her. Then Carolina bitched at me for not having my work phone when really she should’ve been yelling at Alana for giving me the phone dead with 0% battery. And no charger. Because she claims she doesn’t have one…….I did circle c by myself tonight. It was so much fun and I already really like the kids. I need to call the office about this whole switching thing because I don’t want to do it and it’s not fair to me.
5-22-17 Day 9: Today was a really good day. Besides the fact that I was startled when my alarm went off this morning and I banged my forehead on the metal shelf next to my bunk. My body is covered in bruises it’s really weird. I got to know a lot more of the kids today. They’re so hilarious. One of the kids though kept making Jewish jokes even after one of the girls (who is Jewish) asked him to stop. He drew a hitler mustache on his face and kept making jokes. Then some girl painted a swastika sign on her hand like wtf? The guy was also making black jokes it really made everyone feel weird (at least I felt uncomfortable). We got to see the magician today who was freaking amazing. He does this trick where he has a deck of cards. He asks one person to say their favorite card out loud. The girl chose 3 of clubs. He tells her to pretend to take it out of the deck, show everyone, then place it back in the deck face down (the other cards are face up) then he snaps his finger, takes the cards out of the box, and the card she pretended to flip over was actually flipped over. The guy is creepy and looks like madame zarooni from the movie holes. Like literally twins. Karaoke was really fun too. My old roommate Ems thinks she can sing and it’s cringeworthy. She sang all of me by John legend which is the same freaking song she was singing when she woke me up the other night. The cutest thing also happened. So the theme for tonight was imaginary Prom because everyone was dressed up for captains dinner. So one of my little boys hands me a piece of paper and asks me to give it to one of the girls in the club. I opened it up and it said “will you go to prom with me? Ps this is ethan”. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I never realized imaginary prom consisted of playing wii and throwing glow sticks at one another. We also played capture the flag where I met this 15 year old who has already taken 3 AP classes…….I also have 2 kids in my club that are goth/emo and they say the saddest things! Half the time they’re joking but at the same time really mean it. They say their favorite color is black just like their souls and just weird stuff. They said I’m weird too so I’m allowed to join their group. They’re super sweet though and totally helped me clean up the club without me even asking. The place was a mess. These kids literally throw their trash on the ground as if it’s nothing. Well it’s 1:37 and I need to go to sleep. I can tell I’m starting to get a cold and I really need to stop it before it turns into something worse. And I’m very low on sleep. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow.
5-23-17 Day 10: Today has been a really good day. I had training this morning which actually answered a lot of my questions. Work was good too. We did crafts and talked. The 2 emo kids were saying weird stuff again and painting all their stuff black. They said they really like me though which makes me feel good. The emo girl said something under her breath about killing herself. One of the other girls turned to her and said why would you want to kill yourself? She responded and said I dunno, I hate myself, I tried to slit my wrists 2 weeks ago but it didn’t work. It completely broke my heart. Also while she was saying weird things one of the boys out loud said “she’s gonna commit suicide on day.” It baffles me that these kids (aged 11-14) are saying things like that. I think I’m gonna talk to the emo girl later one on one. She said she goes to counseling because she’s “messed up”. It just makes me so sad. And knowing that she likes me and likes to hang out with me makes me think she’ll feel comfortable talking. I actually just ate dinner with the 2 emo kids as well as the 2 Jewish siblings that are in my club. They’re super freaking weird but very mature so it’s easy to talk to them. I think I’m gonna get off the boat tomorrow with Elle. If not I’m gonna lay out. I don’t start until 4. I haven’t been outside at all besides at night time. My head is KILLING me where I hit it on that metal shelf. There’s a little bump now. My mom said she sent me a package so I’m looking forward to that. Alli said she did too. The only package I got so far is my medications lol. I think robin and Larry might come pick me up on Sunday. I desperately need a haircut 💇🏽
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