#originally bc was bc my depression was so bad i felt like i upset everyone by breathing

[phagodyke]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

[kkami-writes]

hey guys!! long time no talk......here's a little life update!

so as you remember I got a job at the beginning of novemeber! while kinda stressful and hectic I really enjoyed working with the dogs and was happy even if i didn't have as much time for other things. December took a bit of a rough turn with seasonal depression and just feeling no motivation for really much of anything. For context for years I've never really had amazing birthdays, I've been disappointed, upset or just alone on my birthdays and I've long lost the excitement of my birthday. This year, I took a trip to Orange County/LA to visit family. We had planned on doing an escape room (something I've only done once but enjoyed but with my anxiety the thought of being locked in a room freaks me out). my cousins bf however booked a saw themed room. for those of you who don't know. I hate horror. ok, I digress. sometimes I can watch horror. but i mostly more enjoy horror video games but even then I do NOT play them for the most part. And if I do I usually have to take a break bc my anxiety spikes. In years I have gotten better at dealing with it, but in general horror movies specifically trigger me pretty badly. And prior to this, my anxiety had been out of control, constant anxiety and panic attacks that I didn't think I was even going to make it on my trip. So needless to say I was upset. Because I was looking forward to doing an escape room, I enjoy puzzles and thinking but that being said I would never ever do a horror themed escape room. I felt bad because I couldn't do it and they had already paid and it was about an hour before we had to leave. (thank god I asked what the theme of the room was before we got there). anyway, with all my emotions that I had been piling up in me, I just had a bad breakdown and cried. They all ended up going bc again, didn't want to waste money and I just wanted to be alone at that point anyway. Regardless, I still had a good time on the trip, "minor" bump aside. We went to little tokyo and I got to go to designer con for a bit. ALSO I love my cousins bf, he's a really nice guy. He did not know I don't do horror so it's not his fault. In his defense it was more supposed to be horror comedy / parody but I was already very highly anxious that even that would freak me out.

With my job, the original owners of the daycare had sold it, due to personal circumstances so we were getting a whole new owner. Except that a lot of us did not agree with things they were going to be adding or the way they interacted with the dogs. They have "nap time" which is literally just them crating all the dogs for almost 2 whole hours. Not all the dogs are crate trained and needless to say, did not enjoy it. When we tried it a few times it was just non stop barking for 2 hours. It was heartbreaking and sad. Literally everyone but two people have quit and decided they would not be working with these new people who clearly don't really care about the dogs. It's all about how to make the most money. The new owners don't even HAVE a dog. It's kinda crazy. So that being said...I have also decided to leave as I just don't feel comfortable there anymore. Which is heartbreaking because even though it's been two months, I've really bonded with these dogs and love them and it feels like I've left them to fend for themselves :/ anyway, I don't want to keep rambling on and on. but basically! i'm on the hunt for a new job and still struggling a bit with motivation and my mood, but i'm still hoping to return back to writing in january. I miss you guys a lot and have missed writing. I'm gonna answer all my asks soon. Thanks <3

[puzzledmemories]

((hi. um. i disappeared for a couple weeks. i did not mean to disappear for a couple weeks.))

((i'm very sorry. the fatigue just was not letting up on me after i was sick. i've barely done anything outside of work, haven't touched my computer a whole ton, i've been helping train people at work, i've spent most of the time i disappeared resting, i was also super depressed for a good chunk of it, and really stressful things were happening at work and kinda still are which drains me. and now i feel super anxious coming back because i'm worried people are gonna be mad i disappeared, which i feel bad about. i've been trying to get myself to post back on here that i'm back and start being active again for about 24 hours.))

((the fog in my brain finally cleared up most of the way for me on Monday (the 23rd). I also had a lot to do on Monday, a lot of taking care of my physical health things. and i had a lot to do after work today, too. Which Has Improved My Mood and Given Me More Energy, but also wore me out. i feel like i finally have thoughts in my head again and can think and am capable of writing! but also it's 2 AM so i'm going to try to be back on tomorrow because i need to sleep soon.))

((i've seen that i have a lot in my inbox, and i know i had that magic anon with shark going... i'll continue threads with that if people are interested in it, and i'll "finish it out" the way i originally planned to. and if people wanna start new threads with that magic anon in the next few days i'm also good with that. i have other magic anons in my inbox but i'm not sure if i should be touching those right away or not. that's just my anxiety yelling at me.))

((i'll reply to threads i had ongoing too, but if anyone wants to drop any of them bc it's been a minute, that's totally fine, no one should be blamed for that and i won't be upset over it or anything. rp's all about fun and we should do the things that are fun and if something doesn't feel fun anymore then it's all good to move on to something else. i really really need to respond to dms too, because i've barely touched those, either. idk if i'll be able to poke on at work at all tomorrow but i really really want to respond to people.))

((my brain just kind of shut off and communication was really painful in the sense that being on my computer was. hard and bothering me. it's not so bad now.))

((i'm gonna commit to start being on here again tomorrow though, and really try hard to hold myself to it, i've missed everyone on here so much and i've thought about you all lots. sorry for long post, i felt it was warranted after kinda disappearing, though...i'm sorry about that, i just really wasn't well for a bit))

[janetbrown711]

My headcanons about Queen Angelina II

Majority of these can be seen in this fic, so if you like the idea go check it out ;)

Also- a handful of these are shared with the lovely @madelynartz, who also has fantastic takes on her, so be sure to check out their post too

If you want me to draw/write any of these specific headcanons/moments, just send an ask and I’ll probably do it

I’ll (likely) be making another, seperate post for William when i feel like it

Update: I have

This is gonna be a long post-

Early Life:

Her parents weren't very loving or caring, only ever wanting her to work on her studies and singing

Her mother was worse than her father, as she was egotistical and always critical of Angelina II and always seemed to find problems with things and people that made her happy

Her mother also always went by her full name (You had to refer to her as Queen Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the First- she wouldn't let people shorten it)

Naturally- Angelina resented her mother and with that, her own name.

She hates it when people say her full name- "Just Angelina is fine"

But if she especially likes you, you can call her Lena ;)

Since the only thing her parents approved of was studying, she devoured the entire castle library as a child, which left her often more informed than her tudors, which left her bored during lessons and she quickly became a "smart-ass" as she liked to talk back and figure out the ways she could get out of lessons

She hated the idea of getting betrothed, and any time a suitor would come over, she'd attack his pride in any form she could think of to get them to hate her, and she was successful

One of the suitors was Prince Salazar

She hated Salazar the most

Despite her attitude being well known across several kingdoms, rumors of her beauty and wonderous singing kept them coming

Her father, King Harold the Eighth, died when she was 10, and she could hardly say she really grieved him, but it made her mother more distant and sometimes outright cruel

She met William when he was 15 in the royal stables when he was training to be a squire

He fell in love instantly, though Angelina wanted to get to know him first

They were the best of friends since they met, though it was obvious Queen Angelina I disapproved

However, after awhile Angelina just stopped caring about what her mother thought entirely and was much better off

She and William loved to garden together, and always planted new flowerbeds in the palace garden every spring

William proposed when he was 22 and she was 21

Obviously she said yes, but they had to keep it hidden from her mother, who would likely take William away

Luckily for them, Angelina I died a month after he proposed, and the two were quickly married.

Yakko:

Yakko was born 10 months after their wedding

Angelina fell in love instantly, declaring him to be the cutest baby she had ever seen

She's terrible with names, and never named her children until after they were born

She hated the idea of giving him a really long and convoluted name, or a name that was in her family (like Harold the 9th)

And so Yakko it was

She didn't expect motherhood to be so exhausting, but hearing Yakko's laugh for the first time made everything worth it to her

Yakko began babbling at a younger age than most, and he babbled constantly, even in his sleep. Angelina loved to just sit and listen to him try to tell stories in nonsense baby language

However, Yakko seemed to have a preference for hearing William give the bedtime stories, as when she tried to read he got fussy

Once he was able to explain he said "daddo does the voices" and that he preferred her lullabies anyway

It hurt at first, but she understood. William was an excellent story teller, though he did have a tendency to ramble at times

Yakko's favorite story was of how they met

She's very protective, and if he was sick or hurt, she'd never leave his side

Her hair used to be very, very long but once Yakko was able to grab things and kept yanking her hair, she chopped it all off and has kept it short ever since

Wakko:

Wakko didn’t cry or breathe when he was born, so for the first moments of his life, Angelina and William feared he was dead

He wasn’t dead though, and they rejoiced greatly, and cried a lot

Angelina refused to let go of him though, and they were only able to get Wakko away from her when she fell asleep from exhaustion

After about a week or so, she relaxed more, but she needless to say her protectiveness went to new heights 

“Lena, Yakko slept in a crib all the time, it’s fine-” “How do you know that?” “Lena, I was there.”

William did always have a way to reassure her though

However, the extra layer of protectiveness was kinda needed for Wakko, as he loved to bite and chew on everything and anything he could get his little hands on (including his own tail)

She eventually gained what William described as a “sixth sense” where she could just tell when Wakko put something he wasn’t supposed to in his mouth.

Wakko didn’t talk much when he was young, especially when compared to Yakko, though his brother seemed to get him to talk even more than his parents could

They didn’t mind though, whatever worked, worked

Wakko loved following Yakko everywhere he went the moment he could crawl. Angelina thought it was adorable.

Wakko had a tendency to hurt himself a lot (whether by tripping, crashing, bitting his tail too hard, etc.) which forced Angelina to learn that he’ll be okay, and not to overreact or panic, as he was most certainly not made of glass

Angelina had a tendency to be a worry-wart

Dot: 

Angelina became pregnant with Dot right before tensions with Ticktockia started to rise, but William was determined not to let that ruin their optimism about having another child that was hopefully a girl

Angelina really wanted a girl bc Yakko and Wakko didn’t like dressing up and she really hoped a girl would, though she knew there wasn’t ever a guarantee, but she hoped

Angelina went into labor in the middle of a meeting with an ambassador from Ticktockia, but forced herself to finish it bc she ain’t a quitter

Despite Dot being her third child, she took the longest to actually deliver (two days), likely due to the exhaustion from countless meetings with Ambassadors and the stress of trying to avoid war bc King Salazar decided past treaties suddenly didn’t mean anything

Angelina had originally been against giving her her name, as she still associated it with her mother, but William said that he only thought of her, and that she was a much better mother and person than Angelina I could’ve ever been, which changed her mind.

However, she had thought of the name Dot before she was born, and liked it to so she and William agreed they’d just call her that for short, and if you asked them “how is Dot short for Princess Angelina blah blah blah the Third, they’d reply “it just is”)

Though she wouldn’t tell Yakko or Wakko, Dot was most certainly the cutest baby of them all

Wakko and Yakko loved to just... stand over Dot’s crib and watch her do things

Wakko also didn’t grasp what a baby was, and would often try to make her do things, and when she wouldn’t he’d get upset and Angelina or William would have to explain why she can’t play with him with the toy soldiers

She’d often just ramble on and on to Dot as she slept while William watched the boys, talking about the new treaties going up, and how worried she was about what Salazar would do if he didn’t agree with the new treaties and deals. It made her feel better. 

To also ease her worries, she taught Yakko how to take care of his sister. How to burp her, how to change her, how to give her a bath, etc. She hated thinking about what could possibly happen, but knowing they’d survive somehow made her feel much better. 

Dot was three months old when the attack happened, and Angelina wished she had had more time with her before dying.

Misc. (bc I refuse to end on a bad/depressing note)

She had family portraits made after each of her kids were born bc she wanted to always remember how cute of babies they were

Her lullabies worked like magic in terms of getting the three of them to sleep

If you asked her, she thinks Yakko has her eyes, Wakko has her nose, and Dot has her eyes and face shape

In the space between her mother dying and their wedding, she met Hello Nurse, who was a childhood friend of William’s, and they hit it off quite well- so much so that Angelina offered her a job in the castle, but she refused, saying she had plans with some doctor in Acme Falls, which Angelina respected. 

She one time tried to practice knitting in hopes of knitting the kiddos a blanket, but she was  t e r r i b l e  at it, and gave up after a week of trying

William and her liked to throw balls at least once a year, and everyone agreed they were the best dancers out there (what they didn’t know was how much practice Angelina had to put in to get a sense of rhythm- she was a terrible dancer, and William’s natural grace when dancing far exceeded her own)

Despite others protesting, Angelina always suspected that the reason tension was growing with Ticktockia was because Salazar was jealous and upset that she married some random knight rather than him (a theory that was proven right to her right before her death)

Her favorite food was bananas

William was a huge cuddler, so they’d cuddle close every night

she personally tutored Yakko on things like history and geography, as she felt those tended to be the most boring classes, and she wanted to have some part in his education, as she hated all of her teachers when she was a kid

She often didn’t know when to shut up, which did end up costing her in the end, but she didn’t regret a single word she said before her death, as Salazar deserved every bit of it. 

[buffysummers]

Remember “when she was bad” and they were like why are you being a dick and she was like I LITERALLY DIED?!?!?! And in season 2/3 Joyce LITERALLY KICKED HER OUT OF HER HOUSE and also HAD TO KILL THE LOVE OF HER LIFE and everyone is mad at Buffy because she left??!?!?! In season 6 when she was LITERALLY IN HEAVEN and her friends ripped her out of the only peace she’s ever known and got mad that she was depressed?!?!?! This is not against Willow but I cannot fathom why a person is so far up Willow’s ass and not looking at Buffy and what SHE had to put up with.

Yeah... it is very weird. It’s almost like we watched a completely different show. Joss is pretty much notorious for taking out his issues with the actors on the characters, and I do think maybe one of the reasons why Willow, Xander, etc were nowhere to be found in season 6 was bc of the arguments Joss was having with SMG while filming. I mean, I want to use that as an explanation because there simply isn’t another one. Buffy was feeling as low and depressed as she ever has in her entire life, desperately needs a support system, and her best friends just... don’t care? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense (and I am speaking specifically about season 6, the other things you mentioned are an entirely different story) that they’d find out that they are responsible for disrupting the only real peace their best friend has ever felt in her entire existence, have one meeting about what they can do to help, and then do literally nothing. 

The meeting they have in the beginning of “tabula rasa” is like... so weird to me. I LOVE that episode, but I feel like that scene only exists between the scoobies bc the writers felt like they *had* to write a scene like it. Xander says, “I feel weird about not being upset that my friend’s not dead” or something like that. And “I’m going to make it all very simple. I like Buffy, Buffy isn’t dead anymore. I’m happy.” [side note: I have issue with Xander wanting to simplify a very complex issue, but I do think it was just his way of understanding everything he’s feeling.] Anya is like “oh I wonder if she floated around on clouds” and Willow is just thinking about herself again... and wants to “fix it” with more magic. Tara is the only one that’s like “hey maybe we should stop worrying about ourselves and actually help Buffy.” Xander proposes weekly dinners and a book club. Which, like, of course that isn’t going to make everything better, but it’s SOMETHING. An effort to spend more time with her. But Willow just dismisses it and says it cannot be fixed with a book club. For someone who is apparently so smart, she’s very dumb here. 

Like, Willow... this won’t have a neat and easy fix. She just resorts to magic again. And I know she’s “addicted” but that wasn’t originally the plan for her story arc. They changed it last minute bc Alyson asked. And Willow’s response to learning that Buffy was in heaven very much aligns with “power corrupts” (her original story arc) and not “i’m addicted to magic.”

God this is so long and I just woke up and it’s all over the place. I went on so many tangents. shjdgsgd But BASICALLY, it’s very weird to me that this Danielle person views the show this way, and that she believes we should be extending and reserving all our sympathies for Willow. There’s enough sympathy to go around. Willow isn’t a perfect friend. Buffy isn’t. No one “deserves” anything. Danielle’s just a dumb b*tch. shjdgsgd

tldr, I don’t hate Willow. I like Willow. But Willow can be very selfish and vain at times, and season 6 Willow is Willow at her worst. Should we sympathize? Sure. Should we excuse every bad and selfish thing she does because.... ? She’s addicted to magic... ? No. And that’s what the annoying Danielle girl was basically saying lol.

[fanmoose12]

I am not over it. I am SO not over IT. I read the SNK manga YEARS ago when it was only chapter 100 and one day I had the dumb idea to continue that shit. I am not PLEASED and Hanji's death UTTERLY WRECKED ME, someone who wasn't even a Hanji Stan!! reading the manga made me fall in love with her quiet determination, leadership skills, and sense of duty when before I was more of an Armin type of girl? She just. won me over. and her death was NOT OKAY. I CRIED while saying no no nO NOOO OH MY GOD -

and it TORE ME APART and she was the only person in my mind ever since and I couldn't read the manga in the same nonchalant way ever again. i'm sorry i promise im getting somewhere! it legit ruined my moods and made me so sad all the time IT WAS THAT BAD and i started hating eren with absolute passion. Idek where to start? How her death was pointless & nobody gave a fuck?? and Levi thought of FRICKING ERWIN instead of Hans & I wasnt even a Levihan shipper it doesnt make SENSE! He just LOST HANS

-- and all he can think about is FUCKING ERWIN. come on MAN, and she parented the 104th even REINER had more emotions than these mfers. Everyone is alive EXCEPT HER, like onyakapon and even yelena, minor characters, it just feels so UNFAIR, i'm not mad abt death, i breathe angst like it was chocolate it was just so pointless and meaningless and no one even grieves, especially Levi who was closest to her. there was just no room for her in the plot anymore and thats what makes me pissed -

- not bc it was her time, but bc she ran out of uses to the plot and like in GOT where the character is smarter than the author. not only that, she was made so powerless and pathetic and she felt so useless and she died like that. where's the justice? the character arc? right she was there Just to Save Levi :// it's like that quote from gone girl - "the world will know that [man] threw his beloved wife like garbage, and she floated past down all the other abused, unwanted, INCONVENIENT, women"

(sorry for the fem pronouns, i'm all abt anime hange here). and its not like she wasnt a fan favorite, she's top 3 of the last character poll. just bc shes not levi and eren and armin. and cmon. yams had to nerf and minus 100 out of her iq for the INSANE plan of fucking zeke and the yeagerists, can you BELIEVE she trusted and was OUTSMARTED by ZEKE, who legit massacred the survey corps, even though SHE HAD THE SAME LEVEL OF IQ?? but noooo, plot reasons!! shes not eRwIn, what you expect 🙃

im upset, not bc my fav character died but bc it was meaningless (if falco can fly, why tf didnt he do that in the first place) and hollow in logic and in emotion. maybe snk's lesson to us is life is unfair and we should suck it up. it wasn't well earned & yams wrote hanji in a corner, like (again) in GOT where no matter what daenerys chose she was wrong. sorry i dumped all this to you!! if you're still here, thank you for listening to my month long pent up emotions, im still really sad about it

- and idk how to let go? but your writings have definitely made me feel better, it just comforts me like Levi to a bottle of bleach. thank you for still writing!!! about an anime girl in a fictional world and still delivering more emotion than the original author. my heart definitely feels better these days, though it still aches bc she deserves so much better & didnt deserve whatever the fuck she was given, thank you for championing hanji zoe rights! im 99% sure she wont be revived -

but she lives on in your writings and other fanfiction authors and artworks and i'm just so grateful we have a community like this, honestly im just glad you're here :) keep doing what you do and i hope you're safe and warm & healthy!! also to every hanji stans out there one fucking day when we love a character the author wont rip our hearts and throw it to the garbage, im so so sorry for my long long ask but if i could request maybe eren apologizing to hanji inpaths or when she got captured or

or when she died or you choose!! i saw this art by @siroyuki 2015 in twitter where he's hugging her and shit, you should check it out it gave me feels!! i just want her to be loved and appreciated :((( again thank you so much if you made it this far! im sorry if you're annoyed or smthn HHAHAHA i promise this is the last! thank you for your service to humanity we stan 💪😩👌💕💞 

ah don’t you let canon frustrate you, it doesn’t matter anyway :D like you saud, we still have fics and fanarts

however, yeah, i do kinda feel you :/ like the way yams keeps glossing over hange's death is actually a bit weird? like i know they're at war and i know that they have no time for grieving etc but the kids were literally bawling their eyes when hange died but no mention of her sacrifice at all after that? like in 136, gabi said that they should stop the rumbling to repay azumabito's kindness and that's ummmmmmm.... a little bit weird. sure, gabi is a little girl with no connection to hange but reiner, jean and connie were there, when gabi said that and they saw hange’s sacrifice, so why not say something like “yeah, we can’t let commander hange’s sacrifice go to waste?” like come on. what did azumabito do? let falco transform on the board of her ship, so now she travels on a boat? i don't think that can compare to hange's acts though. she literally brought these mfs who were ready to jump at each other's throat together and then she sacrificed her own life to give them yet another chance at success. a sacrifice that was proved to be utterly meaningless in the very next chapter? why did falco learn about his ability to fly only after hange died? why didn't he discover it upon first transformation? :/

oh, and speaking of hange's character arc? like i get it, she was depressed, she struggled with her role as a commander (even though she did everything she could and she did a damn good job at it). and i guess that this plotline was kinda resolved when she heard that erwin approved of her actions? and that's cool, if what we've seen was actually an afterlife and not hange's hallucination. because if it was indeed a product of her mind then that's, um, kinda depressing bro. hange was so desperate for someone's approval that she dreamed about it while literally dying. i just don't understand why yams didn't include a scene where kids tell her how much they respect her and what an honor it was to serve under her command or SOMETHING. but as it is, hange died, thinking she was weak and useless and, um, yeah, certainly not the end you want for your favorite character :)

so yeah, hange's death was kinda meaningless and pointless - it didn't serve the plot whatsoever + it could have been very easily avoided 

[night-dragon937]

Sorry i accidently Unfollowed trying to hit the ask button: Im a little anxious about this but, I want to know how best to refer to you/yall? I know, the basics of DID and im sorry if this just, comes off as wrong/bad, but im, assuming that DID is specific to each system (I think im using that term right? im sorry if im not) and i just want to know how best to, like. avoid making you feel bad/wrong? (like, im anxious about referring to you as, you or do i need to refer to you as, like. them? or yall?, because i think all of you is valid and great and deserves respect? individually and as a whole?) and i saw the post where like, people think the Host (I am so sorry if i am messing up these terms) is more valid then the others, and that made me sad because, I think everyone is valid? and its like, i dont want to refer to you as the wrong thing (eg: a singular person, incase that strips away the importance of being known?, or as multiple, incase that invalidates?) like, im sorry if any of this comes off as tone deaf. i also got anxious about asking because, I dont want it to seem like the first thing i think about is, this? when interacting, but its why i get really nervous about using you/yall? not that anything was done to make me feel like that, i just want to be respectful? I also dont want to ask tons of questions cause, i know what it feels like to be bombarded with questions about something like this and being treated less like a person, more like a thing to gawk at i guess? like, ive done my best to read up on DID to, better try to understand, but if its unique to each person, I dont want to generalize it? I also am trying not to refer to this as a disability? as im not sure if its, ok to? because it just felt, strange, referring to, what to me seems like a Group of people? as a disability? Im sorry if thats, incorrect or wrong, or even ableist? im genuinely not trying to be. I just, think its important to give everyone individuality and importance? and if you all ? are, different people with their own personalities (if im, understanding that right, i know its possibly different from one person to another?) Then i want to respect that to the best of my ablity? Sorry for all of the rambling and if this is too much a wall of text. im also extremely sorry if anything ive said/done in our interactions, or this ask were offensive? Its alright if you dont want to answer this of course, or if any of this was too personal/touchy, im not gonna get upset or anything and thats completely fair ? I honestly second guessed asking, but figured i needed to before i accidently messed up and said something wrong?

hey no need to apologize! we are willing to answer questions about our experiences with did/plurality! (in fact, it's nice when singlets/non-systems ask questions when they're unsure bc it shows that they care about respect n stuff)

each system's experience with their diagnosis is unique, yes! we have did, but there are various types of osdd that are diagnoses for systems as well

we have what's called a singletsona, essentially a "sona" that's a single person. we mostly have this irl for safety reasons, but we also understand that a constantly changing roster of many people can be confusing esp for neurodivergent people. so, generally, we go by night (cause we're the night system lol it fits perfectly!) and use they/them.

some people do want to interact with us individually (like. maybe four singlets so don't feel bad if you'd rather just interact with us as a whole, but we will let you know if we switch or about alter-specific things) and they refer to us either by who's fronting or by "night sys" or "night system" and refer to us with plural pronouns

you're so very sweet <3

so that refers to people who act as if the body belongs to the host and no one else in the system, the life belongs to the host and other alters shouldn't get as much of a say, or as if other alters aren't really people, like the host is.

you're not being tone deaf at all! even if you were, we'd still be willing to provide info

so, referring to a system depends on a few things. if you're referring to a singletsona, then singular pronouns/preferred pronouns. if you're referring to a single alter, then singular, but if you mean the whole system, then plural. also, if you feel weird about using "you," just know that you was originally a plural pronoun (but has changed in meaning and usage, like they! and thou was the singular)

we're generally pretty understanding and won't get offended unless one is being intentionally malicious (understanding what one is doing, what the affects of the actions are, and still choosing to do it)

we don't know enough to comment on osdd but did is absolutely 100% a disability because this impacts every aspect of our lives, for several reasons. there's the obvious sharing every life decision with a multitude of others with their own personalities and opinions, but did is a trauma based disorder and thus has a lot of symptoms of trauma. did is usually concurrent with ptsd and c-ptsd, and often others. this is bc dissociation is a learned (unhealthy) coping mechanism where we put ourselves literally anywhere but the physical present rw to avoid trauma at a young age, which impacts development of the personality (talking specifically about did). did is... so much more than having brain friends, its freaking out bc someone used a specific tone of voice even if it's not meant maliciously. it's coming to front and having no clue where you are or what's going on. it's being held accountable for actions you have no memory of (and are often out of character). it's often dealing with depression, anxiety, flashbacks, anxiety attacks... you get the point lol

the group of people isn't the disability, it's how traumagenic systems form that cause them to be disabilities, and how that affects daily life. that sounds contradictory. it's... not that any specific alter is debilitating, but the cause of the condition (trauma) and the effects of the condition (dissociative amnesia, etc) that make it a disability. does that make sense?

and you've been nothing but respectful! but thank you for checking, it means a lot to us, truly.

feel free to send more asks/reply to this if you have any more questions or need any clarifications in regards to this (we've been awake for far too many hours lol). also we love talking about our system and info dumping about our diagnosis/diabilities lol

[autumnrory]

okay initial thoughts now that i can sit down:

fuck star wars for making that abusive garbage canon -1000 for that but +5 for kylo dying immediately afterwards

KELLY MARIE TRAN AND ROSE TICO DESERVE BETTER literally that was like maybe two minutes of screen time and nothing of significance to her role

two women kissing in the background is gay joe russo again @ disney everyone would rather you do nothing than give us that kinda shit and pat yourselves on the back and call it representation

all the trio stuff was great imagine if the trilogy had actually focused on the three of them the way it should have

really don’t understand why they had to kill off everyone from the original trio like....it’s depressing tbh i’m at the point where i just roll my eyes at constant character death (like with marvel and teen wolf it’s like you’re not doing anything interesting you know what’s nice? when characters get to live)

WHAT WAS FINN GONNA TELL REY WHAT THE FUCK literally he said it, then she brought it up afterwards, then poe brought it up again later and then......nothing. what the fuck

finnrey should’ve been canon you goddamn idiots that was obvious ever since tfa

my brother-in-law made the comment about it feeling like two different movies idk my brain doesn’t work that way but i did see other people say the same thing so there’s probably something to that

kylo had his chance at redemption and killed his father instead and continued to be awful for the entire trilogy so what? he’s suddenly gonna be good? yeah right!

he’s also just so boring. just listening to him talk. every time i just sat there like you don’t have anything interesting or useful to say 

showing han and luke just felt kinda weird idk both scenes didn’t work for me but especially han and kylo like he MURDERED han he doesn’t deserve forgiveness

why does leia have to die to reach out to kylo like of all the things she’s fought for that one was not worth her dying over

okay so rey healed kylo and then he healed her later but like.....she looked super dead so how the fuck did that work

kylo cradling her in his arms has the same energy as snape with lily in harry potter aka GROSS get away from her you fuckin nazi creep

jodie comer in the star wars universe? gay rights!

really liked rey saying rey skywalker bc ya know that’s what i wanted and that’s obvs what it was gonna be in tfa and then tlj fucked that all up so. 

even if they couldn’t do rey skywalker i’m still not sure why the fuck jj abrams made that dumbass choice with palpatine i’m not interested

the whole rey saying i don’t think anybody knows me to finn was mean and made me mad like...if anybody knows you it’s him not kylo bye

no wonder daisy talked about her story in this movie like that pretty much her entire arc revolved around kylo and palpatine i’m tired i don’t understand why jj abrams doubled down on what tlj did by focusing on her ~bond~ with kylo it’s just a bad r*ylo fanfiction he fucking tortured her he does not care for her and no way would she fall for him lmao do better!

okay this is longer than i expected this is all i can think of at the moment that was overall p disappointing but i at least knew beforehand a few things: rose being screwed over, rey palpatine, and i saw a tweet about it romanticizing abuse (which is true but i just assumed it would be the same shit as tlj and yet they made it WORSE fuck it all) so i was prepared for some of it but a lot of it i wasn’t even upset i was just rolling my eyes like. this is bad why did you choose these plotlines.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

hi, just wanted to say that i’ve always loved your rinharu posts! regarding s3, i feel that naturally everyone has the right to be annoyed bc the pacing was horrendous. imo they either should’ve made ikuya’s arc shorter or taken up the entire season for it (as ironic as it sounds) bc with the way the last 4 episodes were, it felt disconnected. however, i’m sad to hear everyone saying ikuya and the other characters this season weren’t worth the time, considering they were originally in the novel

Hi! I’m so happy you liked my Rinharu posts! It means a lot to me.

I’m a bit confused… how the fact that Ikuya was in the novel connected to the way they wrote him this season? Like.. is just any book character automatically great and worth becoming the main while the main ones everybody loves are sidelined? Tbh if you read it, you know that all the characters are not exactly the same as they were in the novel, still it doesn’t make them bad, plus they grew up, people change, and writers are decided where they will go from there. 

Now I can’t say for “everyone”, but I think most of the fans you’re talking about was like me (if you saw my posts before season started) and were pretty happy about Ikuya coming back since I don’t think anybody disliked him in ‘High Speed’. So nobody originally said that Ikuya from the novel “wasn’t worth the time”, but Ikuya the way they wrote him in s3 definetely wasn’t worth it. It was their decision to take the novel Ikuya and made him this Ikuya, with unoriginal copied from others storylines, which people have been emotionally inversted in for years.

And the fact that so much fans feel that way says a lot in my opinion. So I’ll try not to be very harsh here, but here’s why I can’t be invested in his character. I’ll write this post just once fully, so I’ll reference it in times I needed it. 

So here we go:

Now you know I’m not the person who loves every-every Free! character like many ppl do, but in no way I ever didn’t want them there since they’re all so connected, they all played vital roles in each others lives and we wouldn’t be the same without them. All main-ish characters I mean, of course. Now we have two main characters (who had Rin & Haru in previous seasons ammount of screentime this season) which if you scratch them from the plot there wouldn’t be any difference. In fact if you scratch them, Haru wouldn’t roll back to season 1 and stuck in the past again, wouldn’t feel guilty for nothing, wouldn’t waste shittton amount of time on an egotistical teen, wouldn’t get depressed, we’d see how Rin passed to the All-Japanese, we’d get trio university time and etc. Like wow, what a great deal, bring the eraser. They literally didn’t bring anything to this season. There were no characters in Free! with such huge screen time who’d be this useless to the main plot.

I mean, look at it with a clear head. They introduced way too many characters in s3, but the ones that are vital to the future plot are really Rinharu coaches, Albert and that Kaede guy. They keep putting Ikuya on covers and photos with Rinharu like he’s part of the gang and their bestie, but truly nobody gives a fuck, Haru already said that Rin’s way too special and he’s the only rival who makes him feel that way and they’re in their dream world, so Ikuya can’t compete with that; Rin doesn’t even know him and even if he will what exactly connects them…? I don’t fucking know. Not to mention that Rinharu’s minds are set on Albert already who’s the world champion. I’m like… I don’t see who Ikuya really is for them. Dude Haru knew in middle school?

Now for Ikuya’s great personality (yeah, that was a sarcasm). I don’t know what see creature he was supposed to represent but he reminds me of algae. Like while it gets everything it needs to live and grows, others who are close and live around it get deprived of warmth and light and slowly die (emotionally inside in our situation). He managed to be the only character on Free! who didn’t do anything good for others, which makes him stand out a lot. And because nobody who wrote that got to think about what it’s gonna look like, his story ended up like this: everybody kissed his ass and did what he wanted, and only then he was finally happy, the end. 

Like from the beginning writers strongly pushed the fact that everybody owes him something, everybody did something unforgivable, and he’s the martyr and this is the way his life is, which is a nonsense for Free! The way he treats people is just so unpleasant for me. To know that someone wants to apologize to you for some godforsaken middle school thing, to know that they’re looking for you, to know that your friend throws dirt and them and be like “oh, did they come see me? whatever, let them continue humiliate themselves” is just unthinkable for me. He’s the same age as Haru but acts like a baby sheep, who can’t even talk like adult and being lead by Hiyori like he’s his shepherd. 

That’s why watching this was pretty weird, because while all characters in Free! are very characteristically diverse, they’re all good people. Like even when they don’t have much of a spine they’re still good people. And to see a main like this was very odd to say the least.

Like I can let go of Hiyori since he doesn’t matter in a grand scheme and I know some ppl find creepy type yanderes who think scheduling another’s person poop time more important than their own life romantic, but I just find it weird. Selfless yander-ish characters I like a lot, but this “let’s just keep you away from your friends and let you stay forever sad, because I want you to depend on me forever… wait, did you eat your vitamins today” is just… what?

So bringing this to a logical end… trying to put Ikuya on the same level as Rin and Haru now and say “look he’s also a main” is laughable in my opinion. He’s unoriginal, doesn’t stand out at all, and with his weak character has low possibilities of surviving the professional swimming world (with brother and his nanny by his side maybe). So the only thing he did great is made me appreciate original Free! characters and relationships so much more. 

Like the new friendships seem unrealistic now, they keep shoving new pics with Asahi, Kisumi with Hiyori (who I hardly imagine as friends) and Ikuya with Rin even though they haven’t even met yet. It all lack of feels because we love Free! for amazing friendships but now it’s like we’re automatically friends with people we saw once or people who were assholes to us.

His chances to become as loved as the trio were low (partly because it’s been years and people are way too invested in them), but with such writing it just became even lower. Showing the worst pseudo variations of originals storilines of their faves combined and waste a screentime on this would make people upset. Like now everybody will just forget it and move on because what’s the point of crying over spilled milk. But saying that people should love him just bc he was in the novels seems odd. Yes, he’ll be a part of the group, hell, he can have stans based on his face alone (I mean not all fans are that much invested in characters), but be like a lovable great character…meh. Not with all possibilities of picking a fave in this show. 

P.S. And pls don’t even yell at me about the “representation of depression and panic attacks” because like we said already a) that’s not this kind of a show, b) if it was, then this is such an unrealistically bullshit way of doing it, I hope nobody took it seriously. So my point stands - he’s unrelatable, bland and gives bad example for 13 years old who’s watching. Making him main is a disgrace in my opinion for Free! which is known for such iconic characters. And since everybody brings something to the show and he somehow doesn’t, I think people have the right to call him a waste of time. 

[drnucleus]

I don’t know what to expect from IX. I’m really hoping it is endgame and they don’t just drop the romance angle, but it’s also kind of what I’m expecting? Like I don’t expect follow-through from it, even though I would love it if it happened

Hi Nonnie, 

I totally get it. I understand that completely. Do I think it’s endgame? Yes. 

However am I going into IX with any expectations? NOPE. I’m a fandom granny. No seriously I have lived through so many fandoms that I simply go in with no expectations. That way if what I think might happen if even in some small way happens then I will be super happy and overjoyed and if it doesn’t I am usually able to divorce myself from my disappointment and respect the creator’s vision.

As a writer and someone who was professionally trained to do so, I know that creators have a vision. They have an endgame in mind. And they drop breadcrumbs about it from the beginning and if you’re clever enough to see them you usually can figure out any story. 

This is why I ruin police procedurals for my mom. My dad and I made a game of it watching Law and Order as a kid growing up (and I mean OG Law and Order with Det. Lenny Briscoe). Whomever could figure out who committed the murder first won. We used to keep a running tally. My dad was really good at it, but when I got really into reading and started reading mystery novels and horror novels and other stories that rely heavily on mystery boxes I started getting better at it. We also watched Law and Order because my two actor 2nd cousins have been guest stars as defense lawyers idk how many times but that’s neither here nor there.

And tbh ESB’s twist of Vader as Luke’s father came as such a shock because IDK if even Lucas really knew he was going to do it until he did it. Luckily the story was vague enough in ANH that a throw away line about certain points of view was enough to close what could have been a crippling plot hole. 

My mom is an OG Star wars fan. Mostly bc she loves the pew pew and the lightsaber battles, and secondly because Harrison Ford is a very handsome and talented man (tbh my first crush was Han Solo and second was Indy).

My mom was there when everyone was UP IN ARMS about Leia and Luke kissing. And how that was SOOOOOO going to be endgame. Which originally Lucas had intended that Leia would be a love interest for Luke and that the twin sister would be revealed in 7, 8 and 9 someday. However during writing ROTJ and filming ESB he decided to really hone in on Leia and Han’s chemistry (granted Irving was directing then) but he made the narrative choice to make Leia the sister and Han her love interest. It simultaneously elevated Leia’s narrative importance and made her the leading lady of her own story on equal footing to her equally powerful twin brother instead of just being Luke’s sidekick love interest.

Even when I was a KID and I saw ESB it always kind of made me laugh that Leia’s response to Han goading her about liking him was to smack lips with the only other humanoid male in the room just to prove how NOT smitten she was with Han. (AND if that doesn’t make her simultaneously Padme and Anakin’s child I don’t know what will convince you otherwise).

TPM came out when was was 13 and a half which will be 20 yrs ago next May - HOLY FUCK. And I’ve been an avid reader since I could read so I had gobbled up countless numbers of books by then. I was in the theater with my parents and legit held my hand up over Ian’s eyes and gasped and tugged on my mom’s sleeve. 

“Mom that’s THE EMPEROR” and she was like “No honey he’s just a senator who’s now chancellor of the republic”

And this was still in the age of Dial-up internet and no IMDB. So I did my own digging and found our VHS copies of the OT and looked at the cast listing at the end of the movie. And saw the same name playing the Emperor as the man playing Senator-Chancellor Sheev Palpatine. Now the movies in the OT never actually say the Emperor’s real name. He’s just the shadowy, scary Emperor with lightning bolts shooting out of his hands. So like we knew in TPM that Palpy was going to become the emperor. Now say what you will about the Prequels but Lucas did do a fair bit of narrative arc planning with it than what he threw together with the OT. 

He knew we had to meet Anakin as a boy, see him as a caring and compassionate individual who is uniquely gifted in the Force. And that had circumstances been different he would have probably been the paragon force sensitive and balanced the force. However due to realistic flaws of all characters, good and bad alike, including flaws within Anakin’s character himself he falls prey to the darkside and it’s temptations and then becomes the very thing he feared.

Tbh next to TLJ, ROTS is right up there with ESB as my favorite in the saga. Sure the dialogue is wooden and clunky. Lucas is not a dialogue director. He’s a vision director. He has a scene in his mind, and he wants it played like that. Which is fine. He also came from a school of thought in the 1970s where sci-fi was pure camp and overdramatic. His style never really changed. The OT is so lauded because he didn’t direct all of them. He had other people come in and he had script doctoring and his first wife in the editing room taking his vision and turning it into a cohesive narrative. We seem to forget that Lucas was a young dude right out of film school when he made ANH. He barely knew how to string a narrative together and the early cuts of ANH were terrible and nowhere near what people saw in the theater. Don’t believe me? Google “how star wars was saved in the editing room” it’s a remarkable story about how Lucas’s first wife and principal editor basically made ANH into an actual story instead of a mish mash of ideas that it was before. The prequels had Lucas at the helm for all three. Yes by then he had gotten a hold of narratively what he wanted to convey, but he still didn’t always convey it in the most efficient ways.

But there are moments in the prequels that I’m stunned by their perfection. “This is how liberty dies? With thunderous applause.” as Padme watches in horror as the Republic becomes an empire before her eyes. It’s perfect to convey the horror she feels and her disgust at what the thing she’s fought for so long to just crumble and slip away. 

Or the entirety of the Anakin v. Obi Wan Mustafar battle. Visually STUNNING, and heartbreaking. You can feel how much neither of them want to fight the other but how they both are so entrenched in their now opposite ideologies that they know they have to fight. 

I’ve also been a fan of JJ’s for a long time. 

Sure he loves mystery boxes but he usually makes the answer SO obvious that most people ignore it. 

Like on Lost which I never actually watched save for maybe a few episodes, it’s pretty clear that something metaphysical is going on in that island with the crash. And there are clues dating back to the pilot as to what happened in the finale. 

In TFA we’re introduced to Rey. We’re given a mystery box of who is Rey and why is she important and who is her family. But we’re also given the answer. She’s no one. And that’s why she’s important. She is no one. She doesn’t need to have this huge galactic sized legacy on her shoulders to be important, to be special. SHE IS NO ONE. And that’s why the Force chose her as its vessel. 

Reason why is that she’s narratively the perfect foil for her counterpart Ben Solo/Kylo Ren. He has all that legacy and weight on his shoulders. They’re equals in power in strength, in light and darkness. They are complete equals. And TFA was all about establishing that fact. Now TLJ was all about deepening that initial connection. To get them both to scratch beneath the surface of one another, and get under one another’s skin. In doing so Ben learned that Rey just wants to belong, to be loved and have a place in the galaxy. And Rey, she learned that Ben is just as lonely, but has rejected his birthright because he felt rejected and abandoned by those who should have unconditionally loved and protected him from Snoke (which granted OT Trio tried but they def didn’t have great parenting examples either sooooo).

Now as an adult Ben is bitter, full of resentment and rage because the people he should have been able to count on fucked up royally. And I love that. I resonate with it because of my own experiences as an abuse survivor too. But even more so because it makes Han, Leia and Luke less perfect legends and more human. It makes them real and relatable that they tried to do everything right by their kiddo but ended up fucking him up.  Luke’s betrayal itself was the least shocking part of TLJ tbh. Like does no one remember him going ABSOLUTELY banana balls insane when Vader threatened Leia in ROTJ?

That kind of Skywalker level extra doesn’t just go away with age. 

And yeah Ben needed someone in the fam to be like “so kid, um, lets talk about this.” No one in the OT Trio is good at talking about their feelings. Luke tries to control his by just not dealing with it - the kind of thing you’d expect from a “pray the depression away” type. Leia ignores it and bottles that shit until it comes out as thinly veiled anger. And Han is the most ridiculous of the three with his constant hot and cold routine throughout ESB.

The ST is yes about the failures of the OT trio, the failures of the Jedi and the Sith. But it’s also a story about the force and it’s two chosen vessels. A girl from nowhere and the last scion of the Skywalker line. The fact that their connections in TLJ are coded as sexual awakenings is very indicative of where I think this is all going to go. The Force is basically the Skywalker Patriarch if we’re going on the whole immaculate conception with Shmi. And Ben fell from his path for years now thanks to the other Skywalkers falling from the path and inadvertently pushing him down the rabbit hole with Snoke, manipulating everything like a master of puppets. 

JJ himself even said he was upset that he didn’t get to direct TLJ because he loved Rian’s script so much. 

I have faith we’re going to get a hell of a finish to the 9 film Skywalker saga. With Reylo as endgame or not I think we’re going to get something truly satisfying that links all 9 movies together in a way that will have meta writers writing for years to come about all the parallels and thematic Leitmotifs within the narrative as a whole that encompasses technically 4 generations of Skywalkers (Shmi, Anakin, Luke/Leia, and Ben).

When Ben killed Han in TFA and you get that focused in shot of Adam’s face as the weight of what he just did HITS him and his eyes widen and his lips part, you see the exact moment he shatters his soul realizing that he just seriously fucked up. I leaned over to my best friend that night in the midnight showing and said “do you smell redemption arc?” and I’ve been on that train from day one. 

If he were truly irredeemable he wouldn’t have split his spirit to the bone by killing his father. He wouldn’t have cared to try to convince Rey to be her teacher in the middle of their battle. He wouldn’t care that Rey stares at him like she did that night and call him a monster. A real monster wouldn’t care at being called one. And is so very shook and pained by that moniker with his lower lip quiver and his eyes red rimmed. If he were truly irredeemable he wouldn’t have killed his master just to save the girl, he’d have just usurped power and shrugged her off instead of trying to convince her to stay with him. He wouldn’t have addressed her fear and insecurity of being nothing and no one while shaking his head and saying “but not to me”. If he were truly a monster he would have pulled the damn trigger when his had the bridge of the Raddus in his sights but couldn’t because he felt his mother’s love for him even after everything he’s done.

Has he done terrible things? YES. He definitely has. But he has the equal potential for amazing things as much as he has for the terrible things he’s done. And I for one will be happy to see him begin to even slightly embrace that potential by the end of ep 9. Reylo or no Reylo I’m sure I’m going to be happy with ep 9. There’s no way Adam and so many other brilliant actors would have signed on without at least knowing where this is all gonna go. Adam himself was hesitant to take on the burden of SW but was convinced to do so because of the complexity of Ben’s character. That to me says we’re getting something amazing in ep9. And I can’t wait.

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part last)

I said I’d finish this book before it had been out for a full year, and that’s the 14th, iirc, so I have tonight and tomorrow, but I will finish this book tonight if it kills me, I s2g, I’m ready to be done.

Part 13 encompasses pages 1054-1233 (previous parts)

WE ARE SO CLOSE, GUYS

OH, I wanted to talk a lil bit about the end of part 4, now that I’ve had a sleep and some time to think about it. I still don’t really like it, but I think I can better articulate why.

I feel like a LOT of it is personal preference for Really Not Liking It when my Heroes Turn Out to Have Been Bad Guys All Along. that’s. not fun for me. I don’t find it appealing in any way. 

and I know that Brandon is a big fan of his lil ~Sanderlanches~ of emotion, but tbf I think the Recreance bombshell got a little lost in Taravangian’s deluge of bad news. The major impact of that reveal SHOULD have been--yeah, the humans are and have been the aggressors all along. But instead it gets a little undermined and rolled up wholesale into Dalinar Has Been a Bad Before and We Guess He Is Now Too. It feels like it should have been a separate moment for everyone--for ALL the monarchs in the coalition--to realize that...THEY are ALL the bad guys. All of humanity is the bad guys. But it gets overshadowed by their belief that Dalinar has betrayed them and gets dumped squarely on his shoulders so that it’s less about Humanity and more about One Human--who has been our hero for 3,000 pages and now just utterly crashed which is ALREADY upsetting enough without everyone else ignoring THEIR part in it all.

So what I’m saying is that I still feel like the end of part 4 was really badly handled as there should have been two, separate focal moments that got overlapped badly (worldbuilding vs character moments). But I’ve talked to Lisa and Alyx about stuff and I’m a lot chiller with the actual CONTENT of the reveal, and actually looking forward to seeing how that plays out. 

tl; dr: feeling better about the content, still very unhappy with the execution.

ANYWAY:

INTERLUDES

“Her people couldn’t be completely gone....could they?” Ah, Venli has reached the Denial stage of grief. that’s. good?

or rather, I suppose...she’s been there all along.

mmmm, I wonder if the different rhythms were created because the Parshendi don’t really do facial expressions, right? like they are crustaceaous, regardless of which form they’re in, so it’s not like shells do a good job at. smiling. Idk, I just wonder if the different hums are bc they don’t really interpret body language the same way humans do.

“The strongest and most skilled of our number are yet to awaken” YOU MEAN THERE’S MORE AND WORSE OF YOU? Great.

You know what I want? An Edgedancer size “novella” about Rysn.

wait, I thought larkins were bad?

aren’t larkins bad?

nvmd, I asked Lisa, they eat stormlight, so Bad For Spren, but not inherently bad. I like having Lisa here to remind me of things I Knew At One Point But Have Since Forgotten Due To Reading So Many Other Things heheh

I love these two Thaylen nERDS

Vstim is a GOOD DAD AAHH

you know, that’s something that’s always sorta bothered me--how do Rosharans go around wearing jewelry that’s giving off enough light to see by? How is that not...overbright and distracting and uncomfortable?

WHOA WHAT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING MURDER 

omg the larkin is eating the gemstone that’s been glowing for 200 years, CHIRI-CHIRI NOOO

o_o

right

it makes sense that the voidbringers would have lightweavers, the fused are basically windrunners, but tbh I didn’t think about. you know. evil people that could disguise themselves as ANYTHING #YIKES

yeEAAHH MY GIRL

COME ON BRANDON, GIMME A RYSN ADVENTURE NOVEL. RYSN AND THE LOST TREASURE OF SOMEWHERE-WITH-TOO-MANY-CONSONANTS! PLS.

anyway, on to the main event for the evening: Megan Sobs Her Way Through the Teft Interlude i’m SURE

“the men of Bridge Four would tire of digging him out of trouble” NEVER.

HE HAS A SPREN

SHE’S BEEN THERE A WHILE, APPARENTLY!!??

HELP

uh oh

no

hold on

WHY IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG AT THE BRIDGE FOUR BARRACKS

WHY IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG

NO

NO

ABSOLUTELY NOT

WHY ARE THERE BRIDGEMEN WHO ARE BLEEDING

I REFUSE

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF HE KILLS ROCK I AM NOT FINISHING THIS BOOK

I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING

HE KILLED ETH???? AFTER HE KILLED MART IN THE LAST ONE HE HAD TO GO AND KILL OFF THE OTHER BROTHER? FUCK OFF, BRANDON

NO

I’ DON’T WANT THIS

PART FIVE, LET’S GET THIS DOOOONNNE

........there are thirteen, maybe (probably) more POVs in this part?

fuck, Brandon, if I wanted to hop around that much, I’d suck it up and read Martin. Uggghhhhh, I hate this.

HAHA whoops, I didn’t realize it was a flashback chapter and I was like “why is present!Dalinar in a stormWAGON?” and then I realized

“wild chickens range this far east” and I KNOW they mean crows or blackbirds or starlings, but. chickens. is still. such a good worldbuilding note.

“felt both an anxiety to be finished and--at the same time--a reluctance to progress.” B I G M O O D

Brandon: *describes the Nightwatcher* Me, whispering: “yiiiikes”

“What is your boon?” “Forgiveness.” CAN YOU IIIIMAAAAGIIIIINNE

OH SNAP

is that...actually Cultivation?

“I didn’t get what I wanted.” “You got what you deserved.” OOF. OOF. How does fifteen points of damage taste?!

“I control all things that can be grown, nurtured. That includes the thorns.” HM

OKAY

I like her.

HA I WAS RIGHT

EVI WAS THE COST NOT THE BOON. HA

tbqh, I’m still not entirely clear on the boon. I guess...she took away the guilt? or the memories that made the guilt? hm.

HE HAD NEVER DESERVED HER.

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA DAMN FUCKING RIGHT, DALINAR. GOD. YUP. AMEN

merrgghhhh pov shits within chapters grumble grumble grumble

oh dear

big battle time.

yaassss

ok, but the army of spren at the Oathgate might be friend spren. have you checked?

I’m still hung up on Kholinar, ngl, someone, for the love of god, tell me if Skar and Drehey are all right. alive. s o m e o n e pls care about these bridgemen as I do.

(and don’t say Kaladin cares, I KNOW HE DOES BUT HE HASN’T MENTIONED THEM IN 200 PAGES/FOUR WEEKS OF TRAVEL TIME, MMKAY?)

heh, Jasnah being all “Amaram’s bad guys can soak up the arrows while the rest of us escape” and usually, I’m very against the lil foot soldiers getting slaughtered for the misdeeds of their commanders, but if people are still following Amaram, they have Bad Priorities and I’m with Jasnah on this one.

I’m confused

Renarin’s spren is weird?

Jasnah thinks he’s a traitor?

I’m??? CONFUSED AND UPSET???

LET! THE BOY! LIVE!

WHICH ONE OF THEM IS CORRUPTED, IS IT JASNAH? MAYBE IT’S JASNAH?

Me: “Maybe it’s Jasnah???? She spent a lot of time in Shadesmar!” Lisa: “Maybe it’s Maybeline.”

She’s rude and I love her.

OH WHAT HOLD UP

VENLI IS IN THE KNIGHTS RADIANT CHAPTER?

or is it just...anyone listed at the beginning can be in any chapter?

SHE IS NOT LISTED SEPARATELY. HO SHIT

WHAT

YEAH THAT’S THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME: The fused just. sending in regular parshendi parshmen signers whATEVER TO FIGHT. THEY DON’T HAVE TRAINING. THEY’RE GOING TO GET MASSACRED. THAT’S NOT! GOOD! MILITARY! STRATEGY!

ugh, I’m still just. mad about the Recreance reveal.

The humans are the bad guys, fine. But the FUSED ARE DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY NOT THE GOOD GUYS??? so what was the point?

SEE SHIT LIKE THIS: “You are here to do as you’re told. In return, you are rewarded with further opportunities to serve.” what the fuuuuuuucckk

like, they’re still BAD GUYS

Here’s the thing--the Recreance reveal doesn’t really change anything. The human heroes are still going to choose the options that are “good” or “right”--Dalinar was already suing for peace, Kaladin was already making friends with the listeners--so saying “these humans in the past were evil” doesn’t change their choices. It doesn’t change the Fused’s choices either--saying “these guys were good in the past” doesn’t make them good guys now--OBVIOUSLY, just look at that dialogue.

So why bother?

The whole series is about choosing to be better, to do better, but the characters were ALREADY DOING THAT, they didn’t need an extra, super depressing motivator to do that. It’s just there to....reinforce the idea? That’s already pretty solid?

idk, I’m still REALLY struggling with this

sigh

back to Venli

hm

so, Odium can CHOOSE what he looks like when he appears--obviously he doesn’t REALLY look like a parshendi, bc he’s not actually their god. If the humans were the voidbringers originally, then he’s theirs, no?

also, # y i k e s, there he is

TEFT IS IN THE RADIANT POV HELL YAH

“You don’t want me. I’m broken.” YES, DARLING, THAT’S THE POINT.

I love him so much I just want to hug this sad uncle of mine

AAAHHH FUCK  THE KHOLINAR GATE

WAIT, MAYBE SKAR AND DREHY WILL SHOW UP FUKIN FINALLY

“This is winnable” IS IT THO

BECAUSE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE IN THIS BOOK HAS BEEN AND AIN’T THAT JUST FUCKING DEPRESSING

oh fun! the thing from the cover! finally!

Here’s the thing: three years ago, I would have loved this book. Three years ago, overwhelming odds and impossible battles and the downward, angst slide of all my favorite characters would have been SO MUCH FUN to read. But now? This year? I’m fucking over it. I’m done. Give me optimism or give me death.

I’m exhausted enough in the real world, I don’t need to be exhausted by the books I’m reading.

“You mind holds firm” UH HUH SURE. P SURE NONE OF THE FUSED ARE SANE, bUT THAt’S FINe

“Could he defeat six? Did he need to?” THE IMPLICATION THAT: IF HE NEEDS TO, OF COURSE HE CAN. I’M LOVE KALADIN SO! MUCH!

DO WE FINALLY GET TO STAB AMARAM!!!!!!!????? FINALLY!!!

DOES KALADIN GET TO KILL HIM? BECAUSE I WILL BE REALLY, REALLY MAD IF KALADIN DOESN’T GET TO KILL HIM

OMG I’M SO HERE FOR THIS

MY BOY

KALADIN RECOGNIZING HIS PROGRESS AND KNOWING THAT HE’S GOT SYL AND BRIDGE FOUR, AND PURPOSE AND THAT HE’S GONNA STAY ALIVE FOR THEM, FOR IT. THAT EVEN THO LIFE SUCKS HE’S GONNA STICK AROUND BC THERE’S GOOD PARTS TOO. KALADIN REALIZING HE’S STRONG AND STRONGER WITH HIS PEOPLE. I’M SO

MY HEART IS SO FULL AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

OOOHHH NOO THAT”S HOT

where’s my Kaladin alone in combat stance facing down 6 fused and GLOWING ART BC I NEEEEEEDD IITTT

my soul

I love him

my soul

You know what? Kaladin never gets the Thrill. I bet it’s because he’s too good for this world.

ahhh fuck they got the thing

at least Rysn and Vstim are still alive! for now.

why do they want the thing tho

whose heart is it

WORRIED ABOUT RENARIN 2K18

heheheh Pattern, “I do not like being stabbed” no, you are usually doing the stabbing, huh? heheh

ADOLIN KISS SHALLAN! ! AHH!! YAY!!!

SOFT BEFORE BATTLE THIS GOOD

god, yup. “Um, hello.” SPEAKING TO THE OATHGATE SPREN WOULD BE SO SCARY

the Argonath spren. Oathgonath? Argonoath? Argonoath. heh

I’ll take Bad Lord of the Rings Puns for 300, Alex

COME ON, VENLI. SPEAK ME SOME WORDS, GIRL.

Oh hey it’s Gawx! Wacky fun.

aahhh shit, it WOULD look like the Alethi were betraying everyone else for real. SIGH.

come on, Lift, get them to help. come on, come on, come on

can we unforbid it? esp since Honor is fucking dead and doesn’t care what’s forbidden or not?

“A man can rule his lands until the citylord demands his taxes. The citylord controls his lands until the highlord, in turn, comes to him for payment. But the highlord must answer to the highprince, when war is called in his lands. And the king? He...must answer to God.” BUT DARKNESS--WHAT IS GOD TO A NON-BELIEVER?

“Don’t be stupid. Let’s go fight those guys.” AMEN, NIGHTBLOOD.

“But it had always been nothing more than a rock.” YEEEESSSS OMG. SZETH!!! FINALLY UNDERSTANDING.

KALADIN NO

goddamnit

UH??? WHY IS NAVANI POV IN THE RADIANTS CHAPTER???? BRANDON??? WHAT DO I NOT KNOW?

Dalinar continues to be an extra son of a bitch, and I love him.

ok, I’m betting it’s just anyone’s POV can be in any chapter, ‘cause the symbol hasn’t changed. so nevermind. I retract my questions about Venli and Navani.

HI LIFT

I LOVE YOU

“Did you forget to feed them?” I’VE MISSED HER WHY ISN’T SHE IN ALL THE CHAPTERS

“Wyndle doesn’t like hurting people” I !!!! LOVE! THEM!

PLS BE CAREFUL ADOLIN AAAHH

NO???

NOOOOOOOOO??

DON’T?? STAB THE SUNSHINE BOY????

I’M?

his sord

w

swor

d aah

she protec hiom

uuuuuhhhhjfghmgdh

hmfzngrsmkdc

oh snap hold on

Hello Darkness is gonna swap sides? Not that he was really ever on our side, but like. “will make the transition to obeying the Dawnsigners easier” OBEYING? I’m.

that’s Not Great.

“Leave me”? ????? EXCUSE?? NO!!!?? ABSOLUTELY NOT, SUNSHINE BOY, WTF

he has more words

WORDS

GASP

AAHH

LISTEN, DALINAR, ADOLIN IS THE DUELLING BOY. IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHAMPION FOR A ONE-ON-ONE DUEL. YOU NEED ADOLIN. AND HE’S BUSY BEING STABBED AND ALSO NOT HERE AND I’M

YELLING

UNEXPECTED SZETH FALLING FROM THE SKY TO SAVE LIFT??? I’M HERE FOR IT

oohh szeth. honey bunches of oats. one day--one day--you will realize that you don’t actually need a master. and you will become something more.

even if you’ve picked dalinar as your new master, which is good, bc following good men is better than bad ones, buT STILL

also, how come we didn’t get to hear his Words??? I WANT TO KNOW ALL THE WORDS. BAD POV SWITCH MADE ME MISS OUT ON SKYBREAKER IDEALS. BOO.

UGH, STAB HIM, NAVANI

ah. ShalASH, got it

there’s Too Much going on, tbqh.

*quietest of wimpers*: taln

help

aahhh darnit, ok. it IS Renarin that’s corrupted. someone PLS let this boy have, like, A MOMENT of peace

oh for fuck’s sake

Let Dalinar fucking have a moment

COME ON

HE’S THE G O O D G U Y, PLS

I’m suffering

RESIST, DALINAR

AAHH

genuinely don’t think you should just be waving Nightblood around

sheathe that motherfucker

pls

also, if Szeth said his words, shouldn’t he have bonded a spren? Doesn’t have have a sprensword? so maybe he....could stop? using Nightblood? 

somebody help Taln, I AM TOO FAR AWAY TO HUG HIM PLS HUG HIM

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T USE NIGHTBLOOD

JUST SAYIN’

BLESS NAVANI. SHE HAS INVENTED THE TAZER

or possibly weaponized the Cruciatas Curse, but EITHER WAY: NICE.

“Dalinar pulled the Way of Kings close to his chest, clutching it like a child with his blanket at night” MOOD ALSO SAME I FEEL THIS ABOUT MY COPY, TOO

STOP KILLING BRIDGE FOUR

I WILL YELL AT YOU, BRANDON

I WILL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY AND I WILL YELL AT YOU

“Dalinar Kholin is no more” UH HUH, SURE

That would be boring. We’ve already seen the Blackthorn. It’s boring unless we get something new.

fuck off amaram

gross? not recommended.

don’t swallow foreign objects

something GOOD HAS TO HAPPEN SOON OR I’M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM

I’M TIRED GIVE ME HOPE

IT’S BEEN, LIKE, 300 PAGES SINCE ANYTHING GOOD HAS HAPPENED

BRIDGE FOUR KEEPS DYING, ADOLIN GOT STABBED, DALINAR IS BEING TORTURED, FOR FUCK’S SAKE C O M E O N

(purposely forgeting Lift showing up and Navani tazing people in her assessment of how many pages it’s been since good things have happened)

NO FUCKING SHIT, KIDDO!!! THE FUTURE IS MALLEABLE!!! IT CHANGES!! OF COURSE IT CAN BE WRONG

oh

duh

even I had that wrong--the NEXT step, not the first

GOOD

STAND UP

AAAAHHH

“If I didn’t do those things, it means that I can’t have grown to become someone else.” AND YOU DID! YOU DID GROW! LOOK AT YOU! FINALLY YOU ARE REALIZING IT ONLY TOOK 3FUCKINGTHOUSAND PAGES AAAHHH

YAAAS

YOU’RE MY FAMILY

AAAHH

GOOD SOFT JASNAH!!! NOT A THING I EXPECTED BUT HERE WE ARE

“Maybe it’s time for someone to save you.” *MEEP*

hel p

that’s intense

AAAHHHH

EVI IS A GOOD AND I LOVE HER AND SHE DESERVED BETTER ALSO SOFT AND GOOD AAHH

# yikes

but like, a good yikes

yeah, you fucking better apologize to him

Taln deserves an apology form every single person on this planet, and that includes all the Heralds, and the Heralds owe him, like, a hundredbajillion apologies extra

I have emotions

and opinions

HE’S SO GOOD

AND SOFT

MY GODSON

OH MY GOD

OHHHH MYY GOOODDDDDD

HE’S SO GOOD

oh no I love him so much

TEEEEFFT

FINALLY

YES

GOOD WORDS I’M CRYING OH NO

HE’S

SO MUCH

all my soft boys

best boys

dominoes with crystal transformation? MORE GOOD YIKES

YEESSSSS

KALADIN!!!!!

VS

FUCKFACE!!!

HERE WE GO

LOOK KALADIN, YOU DID SAVE HIM!!! YOU PUT THE SYLSPEAR IN JUST THE RIGHT PLACE TO BLOCK THE SWORD AND YOU DID SAVE DALINAR, LOOK AT YOU

NOW PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAB THE EVERLIVING FUCK OUT OF AMARAM

STAND UP AND DO BETTER

LOOK IT’S WHAT i’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME

yes good, heal Adolin, thank you

GOD FUCKING BLESS

LITERAL ORDERS TO STAB THE FUCKFACE

THANK YOU

ofuck he did swallow it

Not Great

every time Adolin talks to his sword, my heart leaps. he actually apologizes and also thanks her and I just! want her to know! how much he loves and appreciates her!

WAKE UP, SWORD! MAKE HIM RADIANT!

COME ON

FUCKING

YOU ABSOLUTE HOOKWORM I CANNOT BELIEVE

TWO SHARDBLADES. OF FUCKING COURSE HE NEVER GOT RID OF KALADIN’S. FUCKING

PIECE OF

ROTTEN SHIT I’m. hate him.

so

much

ooohh Shallan!!!!!! I’m proud of her!! She’d created them to be strong when she wasn’t but she doesn’t need them now aahh!!

OH HEY, FEN’S SON DOES HAVE A NAME and it’s a garbage Thaylen name. Kdralk? all right then

“Life could not be lived making decisions at each juncture.” Szeth.... Szeth that’s. that’s...exactly what life is??? That’s. how you do, actually, live life? I’m ???? ??

‘at the top, they found a jumble of Sadeas troops chipping at a door with hand axes. “I can probably get through that a little easier.”’ HEHEHEH

Lov me a sunshine boy

GOD FINALLY

LET! NAVANI! GRIEVE! THANK YOU

ADOLIN IS SUCH A GOOD COMMANDER, GOD

EXCELLENT TACTICS

I’M SO PLEASED

It’s very satisfying to get Kaladin fighting Amaram and Dalinar fighting the thrill Unmade at the same time

fINALLY something SATISFYINg in this book

listen, I love having the visual of Jasnah’s effortless airsteps from the cover, but I’m still REALLY Disappointed that the covers don’t match up with the flashback character.

It’s Dalinar’s book, it should be Dalinar on the cover, but WHATEVER, WHELAN, ugh.

THANKS FOR ALL THE BROKEN BONES, I HATE IT

It’s never fair when the bad guy brings so many friends to the party.

SHE FINALLY HAS A NAME YES

MAYA IS A GOOD SWORD AND I LOVE HER

eeyyyy GOOD JOB, VENLI!!!

PETITION FOR SUNSHINE BOY TO STOP GETTING HURT

ngl, his is the battle I’m actually most invested in rn, other than Kaladin, I just.

want him to be okay

“half expecting Skar and Drehy to be there to pull him to his feet. Storms, he missed those bridgemen.” ME FUCKING TOO, ADOLIN. WHERE ARE THEY ARE THEY OKAY 

AAHH!! Renarin gets to protect Adolin THAT’S SO NICE GOOD

I ADORE that Lift and Dalinar are besties. It’s the BEST dynamic, such an interesting combo, and I LOVE IT.

“Amaram was screaming in pain.” GOOD.

WONDERFUL. AMAZING.

BRILLIANT.

FRAME IT.

Overconfident fuckface took his own helmet off, bless hiS HEART

“I hurt, once...after I killed your squad, I hurt.” OH BOO HOO, POOR BABY FELT A TWINGE OF GUILT FOR A HOT SECOND I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKWEASEL

oh, gross

thanks

THE SPEAR THAT DOESN’T BREAK AAAHHHHHH MY SOUL

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WE WERE SO CLOSE

it’s ok, we just need one more good solid hit on that gemheart and we’re DONE WITH THIS LOSER

A DOZEN

RENARIN CAN’T FIGHT A FULL DOZEN BY HIMSELF? OH MY GOD

not good

uugghh fuck Malata, I DON’T TRUST HER

Renarin is very brave. A Good.

OH WAIT, TEFT CAN OPEN THE OATHGATE

YAAASSS

YAAAAAAAASSSS

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASASSSSSSSSSSSSS

I’M SO HAPPY

TEFT OPENED THE OATHGATE

LOOK AT MY BOYS

*SCREAMING CONTINUES*

PHEW ROCK IS ALIVE, I CAN KEEP READING

“YOU LOOKED LIKE PERSON WHO NEEDED HUG” ROCK IS THE BEST I LOVE ROCK I’VE MISSED HIM SO MUCH

Oh right, Dalinar’s still, like. doing stuff. I forgot, ‘cause it’s. Nothing’s happening with it.

Should be focal, but there’s. So much going on.

COME ON, KALADIN, YOU’VE GOT WORDS WEIGHING DOWN YOUR TONGUE.

COME ON, DARLING, PLEASE.

ok that’s acceptable

not ideal

but beautiful

a good, solid Rock.

I will accept this end.

Bridge Four is so, so, so important, I cannot express in words.

oh, quiet screaming:

Moash chapter

oooohhhh buddy

One day, you’ll wake up.

Until then, my very garbage brain will write fic, and it will be glorious.

how do people not ship this

he literally helped her remember herself

he recognized her in her sea of selves and pulled her out, cOME ON

THIS IS THE SOFTEST OF SHIPS AND I’M CRYING

AAHH VENLI!! PROGRESS!!! also what order, I must know

whoo Braize IS Damnation, called that shit, like, a book and a half ago.

“only Ishar survived with his mind intact” A RE Y O U V RE Y SU RE AB T T H A T? ???

oh. those are boring Words, but okay. makes sense, the Skybreakers are kinda. Meh.

ugh, we still have to deal with Hello Darkness My Old Friend? He’s going to come oversee training? ugh.

BEST KISS BEST KISS BEST KISS

OTP: NO MATING

OTP

BEST

KISS

YES

“You mentioned something about kissing me until I can’t breathe, but here I am, not even winded--”

B E S T K I S S BEST BEST BEST KISS

“I don’t think I loved her, Syl. I felt...something. A lightening of my burdens...” THE FEELING WAS FRIENDSHIP BUT NEITHER OF THEM HAD EXPERIENCED IT BEFORE.

“I knew you’d come for me.” brb crying forever

I don’t know if you know this, but I really love Bridge Four.

“We lift the bridge together, Teft. And we carry it.”

[cries quietly into that sentence for the rest of eternity]

TARAVANGIAN IS LITERALLY CONFESSING, BUT WHO WANTS TO BET DALINAR FORGIVES HIM AND STILL TRUSTS HIM

i s2g, Dalinar’s pure goodness is going to be the thing that kills him, in the end.

MOASH WHAT THE FUCK

JEZRIEN

I KNEW Ahu was a Herald, HA, but JEZRIEN HOLY FUCK  

actually dead or just bound in the sapphire bc it IS glowing, so. hm.

hm

god

Moash, plllleeeaasseeeeeeeee ugh

ahhh YAY LOPEN!!!

but it. should have been Moash. It was always supposed to be Teft and Moash and Skar and Rock.

And I love Lopen, really, I do. b ut.

I’m also:

~*~GARBAGE~*~

mmmmm ACTUAL FATHER? OR? HMM

I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY ANCIECT GODCHILDREN OKAY? HELP THEM.

OH THANK FUCK

SKAR AND DREHY ARE OKAY

SKAR AND DREHY PROTECT THOSE WHO CANNOT PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!????

THAT’S!!!! THEY DID THE THING???!!! THEY’VE GOT THE WORDS!!!

LOOK AT MY BOYS GO! LOOK AT THEM ALL!!

TEFT AND LOPEN AND SKAR AND DREHY!!!!

I’M SO PLEASED

oh yeah they saved the kid that’s good

LOOK! AT! MY! BOYS!!!!!

Taravangian might be the ONLY fictional grandpa that I dislike

I always like the grandpas.

but noT THIS ONE

hm

by becoming king of the world and then asking odium to spare everyone he ruled, he was going to save everyone.

Not

actually a bad plan

Not a great one, obviously. but. not a terrible one.

Too bad it was NEVER GOING TO WORK

oh fuck off, he stole the Honorblade, which means Malata probably killed Eth, so GOOD NOW I HAVE A SOLID, CONCRETE REASON TO HATE HER, GOOD.

“Why would [Taravangian] work with the enemy? Everything he’s done so far has been to secure a safe Roshar--if through brutal means. Still, I have to wonder. I can’t afford to be too trusting.” I CAN’T BE TOO TRUSTING, EXCEPT TARAVANGIAN, I’LL DEF TRUST HIM OF COURSE, Dalinar, pLEASE

I’m dying, you gotta. ugh

he’s EVIL COME ON

ppppssssssst

*put Jasnah on the throne*

we need someone who’s good at diplomancy, who can inspire people and command them! GEE WHO’VE WE GOT WHO CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND LOOK SHARP AF DOING IT?

I W ON D E R

oh holy shit, they actually did it

they actually did put Jasnah in charge

holy fuck

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS

EXCELLENT

really moash

the stolen honorblade

HE WHO QUIETS --admittedly a great assassin epithet, but

Mooooooaaaaaaaassshhh

S I G H

okay, so we figured out that Sja-anat is anti-odium, that’s good. but HOW do we know that Renarin bonded one of her spren? just...’cause it’s corrupted and that’s what she does? or did I miss something more specific?

oh huh

ok

cool

OH!, he went to get Elhokar’s baby spren. interesting.

does that make Wit a Radiant? ‘cause I bet that’s not going to go over well heheheheh

WHOOOOOO I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Defo not my favorite, but it did pick up at the end there. Part 3 was A TRIP that I enjoyed and I’m still pumped that Bridge Four got 1. POVs and 2. SPREN that was really nice. I’m ~*~GARBAGE~*~ and there was some good garbage Moash content, so I loved that. The roadtrip was Sure A Thing. I love my sunshine boy, Adolin Kholin with all my heart. Aaaaand I’ll circle back to Part 4 and the beginning of Part 5 when it’s NOT 4am!

[jocelynships]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got into Marvel and how at first it was just a silly little obsession and how it turned into something that ended up meaning so much to me.

So, I apologize for this sounding so sappy and for how long (it’s really long and I apologize greatly) and emotional this gets, but here:

Warning: Talk of past mental abuse and thoughts of self-harm/suicide

So here’s the funny thing, when I was between the ages of 10-13 I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with Marvel. Everyone was talking about it and I will admit I was a bratty kid and if something was popular I had to Hate It™️. I’ve grown from that mindset and I’m SO glad I did. But anyways, not the point of the story.

When I was a little kid I watched the first Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and Fantastic 4. I watched a lot of Spider-Man cartoons too. I can’t remember if I ever watched X-Men or not, but I remember seeing them in a few Spider-Man episodes. My dad liked Marvel and he’d play the movies (this was all pre MCU I should mention) and I think I’d watch bits and pieces of them while I played with whatever toys I had in my parent’s bedroom or living room (when I was a kid if my dad was home I HAD to be around him). So I had a VAGUE understanding of superheroes and who they were. I’m certain I could have named a few of them when I was younger, I just didn’t necessarily care.

So Avengers came out when I was finishing up 8th grade, and all my classmates were talking about it, but it annoyed me greatly. My best friend, Rebecca, had seen it already, and was freaking out about it with some of our other old friends. I made a comment like “is it really good or are you guys just trying to be cool like everyone else?”

And Rebecca goes, “Jocelyn, you really need to see it. I think you’d actually like it.”

“Superheroes are so overrated!”

“At least watch the trailer!”

So Rebecca pulled up the trailer on her iPod Touch (god I feel old just saying that), sat me down at one of the benches by the basketball court our tiny private school had, and I watched the trailer. I was kinda interested, but not totally sold. I decided the guys were hot, and if I would go if asked.

Then when I got home from school, I was looking for something to watch like most kids were. Nothing was on, but Disney XD was playing some Marvel cartoons and out of simple curiosity and not really liking anything else that was being played, I turned it on. And holy shit I ended up getting hooked.

So a few days later after watching these cartoons I suggest seeing Avengers to my dad. He gets this look on his face like, “who the hell are you and what did you do to my daughter because she hates superheroes?” He asks me if I’m a Marvel fan now and I mentioned the cartoons, so he went and rented the movies leading up to the Avengers, and I wasn’t actually expecting to like anything, I just wanted to see it because I thought the guys were hot.

So I ended up really enjoying the movies, and my dad and I started seeing the other MCU films that came out. I told myself I was only interested in the Avengers and Spider-Man really (the Amazing Spider-Man came out the same year as the Avengers and my dad took me to see it). I told myself didn’t really care about any of the other hero teams.

BUT THEN I GET INTRODUCED TO THIS REALLY COOL FACEBOOK MARVEL GAME! They sadly don’t have it anymore which in my opinion is BULLSHIT, but it was called Avengers Alliance and they had a shit ton of characters in it. My goal was to get them all but I never did bc it got shut down (listen I would kill to have it brought back okay THEY HAD A BUNCH OF X-MEN CHARACTERS) But basically I saw all these characters I had no idea existed and me being me, my mind went “I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM”! I really don’t know everything about them and I’m still discovering characters but that’s okay!! The Marvel universe is HUGE and I love learning new stuff about it!! But anyways back to my original point!! I remembered I really liked the Fantastic 4 when I was younger so I started watching the original two movies again (I haven’t seen the 2015 remake nor do I plan to ever). Then I saw we had the first two X-Men films, okay lets watch those. Oh, who’s Daredevil and the other Defenders? They seem cool!! Ghost Rider? Hell yeah, a skeleton on fire how cool is that?! Agents of SHIELD? I loved Phil Coulson, I had to watch it! Hey, the Guardians of the Galaxy are really cool too! I know nothing about Doctor Strange but he was in some Spider-Man cartoons and he seemed awesome! Blade, a vampire that doesn’t sparkle? SIGN ME UP!

Basically from the time I was 14-17, I was just basically running down an aisle at a grocery store picking out characters I thought looked cool. I also learned a lot about the characters from some mobile games I downloaded bc hey, I like games.

But at the same time as I was going through everything, I started developing some extreme anxiety and depression problems. I didn’t exactly realize it WAS anxiety and depression, I just thought I was extremely sensitive and did a bunch of shit wrong, so I assumed I was just a screw up whenever my mother yelled at me for getting a B in class or blamed me for her being late to work when I was ready to go and she was just getting in the shower. It wasn’t until my senior year did I realize something was wrong with the way she was treating me and the way I was feeling. But again, I brushed it off as nothing.

I went through my senior year feeling anxious and depressed a lot. But I was a SENIOR! I was almost done with high school! I had a great group of friends and we’d hang out on the weekends and go off campus for lunch to the Taco Bell down the road! Things couldn’t be bad!

But tensions were rising high at home. I was sort of oblivious to a lot of it and to be honest, I’m a little upset with myself for not noticing it sooner. My parents were fighting a lot, and halfway through my senior year of high school, my sister and niece had to move in with us because her ex husband was an alcoholic and was getting abusive. (She ended up going back for about another year, but left permanently the second time she moved in with us) And needless to say things were really rough since there was now five people in a two bedroom apartment and my sister and my niece stayed in my room with me. Which was difficult since my niece was 4/5 at the time and had quite the temper, and I was also her favorite person, yet I was occupied with school work.

My anxiety and depression got worse, and it got to the point where I was having meltdowns in class and would have to leave school early or just stay home. After a month or two and a HUGE fight between pretty much everyone (except me, they only stopped when I had a massive panic attack), my sister moved back.

And things were slightly okay again. During that break I got reintroduced to X-Men through a couple different things: my best friend, @rosyinlove, X-Men Apocalypse was coming out, and my brother gave me his old Xbox 360 and the game Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I’ve seen the first two movies at this point and I was already kinda curious about them, but wasn’t until that year did I realize “hey these guys are kinda cool!” So I played as them in Ultimate Alliance just because they were the most fun to play. And while he sadly wasn’t a playable character, Nightcrawler was a character and you had to rescue him in a quest (or kill him and save Jean instead, I had a dilemma over the very idea of killing him and this was BEFORE I started shipping with him!) and he fascinated me. IDK if it was my brain just liking him as a character or going “WHOO BOY HE’S HOT”, but my interest in him was growing and I was kinda sad he wasn’t a playable character!

And with Apocalypse coming out the day after I graduated high school, I decided I had to see it, so I impulsively bought the other movies and well... the rest is history. I started watching the cartoons and while I didn’t get my hands on any comics, I read bits and pieces online.

And for some reason, the X-Men just spoke out to me in a way I can’t explain. I loved all the other heroes I came across, but there was something about the team of mutants that really pulled me in. Maybe because I related to the fact of being outcast? But in any case, I was drawn to them and I latched onto them and just didn’t let go. Even when 70s and 80s pop culture was the main thing on my mind in 2017, I still had the X-Men in the back of my mind and I thought “oh hey, this song reminds me of the X-Men”, “Kurt would like this song”, or “omg this movie would be a cute AU for me and Kurt!”

But anyways, the summer of 2016 was kind of rough. My mother was getting onto me for every single little thing and even yelled at me in front of my friends once for asking her to bring some some soda after she OFFERED to get us some. My friends pulled me aside and said, “hey, that’s not normal”. And I was in a really bad place. I loved my mother, but I felt awful being around her. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her. If I said the wrong thing I’d be punished. I was afraid of her.

So I noticed whenever I got anxious or depressed I would turn to the X-Men movies and cartoons and I’d feel a little better. Then I started writing dumb little stories and made silly doodles of me hanging out with them. It was something that was fun and made me calm down when I was getting anxious.

Then August of 2016 came around.

I came home from spending the night at a friend’s house, and I was feeling really tired so when my dad asked for me to sit down and talk to him about something, I tried brushing him off because I just wanted to shower and go to sleep.

But he said, “it’s really serious” and whenever someone says that my anxiety shoots through the roof and I think of the worst case scenario, such as someone was dying or was dead. So I sat down with him and I’m expecting him to tell me someone was dead, but he just goes:

“Your mother and I are splitting up.”

Basically my world came crashing down at that point.

My mother started getting more and more irritable and began yelling and screaming at me over the smallest things. And she was convinced I was going to stay with her and she talked to me about all her plans she had for us, but I was going to move out with my dad. But I didn’t want to tell her because I was terrified of how she was going to respond (she lashed out when things didn’t go her way), and I said, “I still haven’t made up my mind on who I’m going with”. That still caused her to lash out.

So she screamed at me and told me things like “I was leaving her to die” or “I was a horrible daughter for abandoning her”. And from that she just lashed out over everything. Not to mention my sister and my niece moved back in that September.

So my mother was constantly fighting with my dad, berating me, and my sister and my niece never gave me any alone time despite being in my first semester of college. I had very little time to work on homework and would stay at school for longer than I needed to be there just to work on homework without my sister and my niece bothering me. And I also got stuck watching my niece quite a bit because my sister was running off with a guy she had just met. And I get that she was going through a really rough divorce as well and really liked this dude, but it happened every night. I needed an escape from it all.

So I started binge watching Marvel movies and cartoons every chance I got. Mainly X-Men. I fantasized often about Kurt bamfing himself and the X-Men into my apartment, sternly telling my family I was going with them and they couldn’t stop them. I wrote and drew more and more of my silly self insert stuff because it was a way to forget about all the bullshit that was going on at home.

Eventually things just got worse as the time for my dad and I to move out got closer, and my mother would start up fights with my dad just about every night. And she did this when I was in the next room and could hear everything. She also got physical with him and while my dad could have easily defended himself and fight back, he didn’t because she was trying to get him fucking arrested.

So I was having difficulties dealing with their constant fighting and my mother trying to pull me into the middle of the drama. My dad told her to keep me out of it since none of it had to do with me. Needless to say she kept pulling me into the middle of things and tried to get me to side with her and would scream her head off if I didn’t want to talk about it. I got called selfish for having anxiety and depression, and she threatened to hit me on multiple occasions. She never did, but holy shit I got so scared every time she held her hand up like she was going to smack me across the face. I showed up to class crying quite often and when my classmates asked what was wrong I’d brush it off and tell them it was nothing. 

And as time went on I had falling outs with everyone on my mother’s side of the family and both of my siblings (I have made up with them separately, but things are tense between them still because they don’t like each other’s spouses and it stresses me out because they shit talk each other to me and I have to act like I’m on their side), and my dad and I were struggling and I felt like a huge burden on him. Needless to say it got to the point where I felt like I was doing something wrong, that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to end it all.

I actually did go to grab a knife once when no one was home bc I was having urges to hurt myself, but the instant I grabbed the knife a little voice in my mind just went into panic mode and screamed, “Captain America wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself!”

And then that voice kept listing off as many heroes as it could, and when I started thinking about the X-Men not wanting me to hurt myself, I just dropped the knife into the sink and had a breakdown.

And still to this day when I do get those thoughts I always think about how a certain fuzzy elf wouldn’t want me to hurt or kill myself. I haven’t cut (I have participated in other self destructive behaviors in the past I don’t wish to discuss, but I’m fighting it), and honestly it’s because I don’t want to worry the X-Men.

They may not be real, and I’m not sure they would really care about me if they were, but still the idea of having a group of people who also come from fucked up families and are outcast from society acting like a family to each other really helps me get through all of this.

I just keep telling myself that if all these superheroes could go through hell and back, then so could I. Sure, I’m not fighting villains hellbent on taking over the world or struggling with having superpowers I can’t control, but still it’s inspiring to see them continue on despite their hardships. If they can do it, then why can’t I?

And the X-Men have really helped me through that. Like I said, they aren’t real, but they are extremely relatable characters. Especially Kurt. I’ve been outcast before and while I do have my group of close friends, I still feel like I don’t belong. He’s been outcast and shunned by society for his appearance. While both of Kurt’s parents are awful and my mother didn’t try to kill me (to be honest I was afraid she was going to snap and kill my dad a couple times), we both have kinda fucked up familes. But despite all of this we still try to see the good in others and do good for people. And I want to help him through his hardships and have him know he can always come to me for comfort.

When I started the Night Roses and the Jocelyn and the X-Men stuff, a lot of it was coping. I wanted to be rescued by Kurt and the X-Men, and I wanted to help them overcome their issues. A lot of the Night Roses relationship is being each other’s support system. The idea of not only having Kurt comfort me, but me comforting him helps me so much. It gives me something to live for. When I was going to therapy, I told my therapist about it and she said it was a great coping mechanism and a way for me to practice self love and acceptance.

And while he’s just a comic book character, I sincerely hope I can find someone just like Kurt in real life one day. He means so much to me, and I hope whoever I get with in the future will understand that.

I apologize for this being so long, but really, Marvel means the absolute would to me, and it’s really hard to explain to people why and I often get written off as an obsessive nerd who has no grasp on reality. But I know how I feel and I know the people who matter understand how important Marvel is to me. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without Marvel. I probably wouldn’t be here. I’m still struggling with a lot of issues, but I know I can get through it thanks to the X-Men and the other superheroes of Marvel. ❤️

[creepyscritches]

I have a hard time even pretending to be upset or bummed out about my health bc it’s just my norm/baseline and I really don’t know anything different than my cocktail of health issues. Growing up with doctors continually telling me I’m totally fine and healthy and only halfway trying to treat what they thought was depression made me absolutely certain that this is how everyone felt everyday and I just gotta get accustomed to it. My sense of humor and demeanor weren’t overly affected by it all since I just assumed everyone around me shared the experience.

GRANTED I would have preferred to have been diagnosed with all my stuff much much earlier, but the silver lining is that I grew up thinking my symptoms were normal/nothing to complain about and now as an adult it kinda helps me roll with the waves of it all. 

I don’t feel bad about taking breaks when I need them, but I also don’t spend those breaks/downtime griping about the fact that I need to take them in the first place. It’s like “Oh?? Can’t draw anymore for awhile?? Cool cool, I’ll do something more fun instead” and I let my rats loose in a giant blanket nest with me and play with them until I feel better to get back to what I was originally doing.

Idk, it’s just nice to have a habit of not spiraling into self-pity about my health everytime it acts up. My bipolar can make shit hard to handle in a healthy way, so like, idk, I’m kinda glad I’ve got this natural chill disposition to my health getting in the way of things. If my bipolar went hog wild everytime I couldn’t draw or pick something up, then I’d be living an entirely different life 

[keiiro]

Explaining myself just for myself bc I felt like I needed to... o)--( No one will read this but I have no one to rant to abt this td;lr so.

From S1, I’ve said multiple times that I’m in Voltron mostly for Sheith, that VLD isn’t usually the type of show I like to watch. I simply have a preference for dark and complicated dramas/stories. I don’t like cartoons much, actually ^^;; I’m sorry, but a show really has to grab me with its writing or characters for me to be invested in it even a little without me having a ship there. (I uh, hyperfocus on romance. . v.;; I don’t ignore plot tho I swear.. I mean if it’s objectively well written (side-eyes naruto and 500 other series)) Like Steins;Gate. FMA. Skip Beat. Inception. etc. In my case, my criticisms about the show, i.e. the pacing, were always there since S1. I don’t think I like... betrayed LM or JDS by being hurt and having such a negative outlook on this. I think my comments were fair.

Before this.

I was in the Sherlock fandom, knee-deep in TJLC (The Johnlock Conspiracy, yes, humilating, I know, but the sad thing is the real S4 that was written was so bad that we thought it unthinkable that it would be... like that trashfire). I remember near the end of an episode of S4, before the other eps aired, I really liked this one popular blogger. Pearl something. She was really good at making me feel more relieved in the bigger plan. Even though already with episode 1, I was already incredibly disappointed in the writing of S4 and regretted every time I defended S3. The sister’s storyline. Was so. Bad. There were so many plot holes. I don’t even. Pearl--She sent the message to have faith. And as a result I crashed incredibly hard, 40x worse than Shiro’s retirement. Her account ended up hacked and she went MIA. I was there through Apple Tree Yard, being sent the message that apparently two middle aged het ppl hooking up within 15 minutes of meeting and having 5 mins of bad sex that she made sound like he rocked her world but it was just so goddamn sad--and apparently sexual assault--is more valid than a canonized mlm couple. Though really, even if they did, since S3 would still be an incredible disappointment. (the cases in the wedding ep were so, so dumb) Just because even though I knew there wouldn’t be a fourth episode, I was in so much shock I just. ...I was there for the probably-troll fansite for “the lost episode” with friggin Sherlock scripts hidden in the coding. The horror stories go on.

Before that, I was in the Naruto fandom, as a hardass SasuNaru fan. Everyone getting hetmarried at the end was a real shoot in the fucking face, this coming from someone who also likes NaruHina. I. My faith in authors. I just. Yeah, that kerplunked.

I decided to give the benefit of the doubt to Isayama Hajime (Attack on Titan). I used to defend him, pointing out and believing his Imperialistic comments were mistranslated or blown out of proportion. :) Then he said the Chinese and Koreans lives were bettered because of Japanese takeover. Which I ignored because I love Eruri. I don’t care for the writing of AOT/SNK, never really had. I tried to have faith in him. And then apparently he’s now using Jewish WW2 imagery in the series in a way that’s. ........ Basically, it’s been debated whether this is anti-semitic. Idk. I’m not touching that trashfire outside of Levi remembering Erwin frames anymore. So yeah, faith in yams was DIRT. Oh, and then Erwin died. Which hurt much, much worse than this with Shiro, and would’ve hurt more even had Shiro died.

I believed in Bryan Fuller, a lot. He still supports Hannigram fanzines and literally wears shirts of them making out. He told a beautiful, dark mlm romance and I. It didn’t stop him from calling their relationship a “bromance”. He gave no explanation and I was very. Every time it felt a little no-homo’d, I bit the inside of my cheek.

I was in the Supernatural fandom, and I loved Destiel terribly so and I’m not. even. going to start.

Death Note, Piano no Mori, Sam Esmail re: Mr. Robot, goddamn Yana Toboso, Magi, X-Men, many others.

I mainly stan a pairing in the D.Gray-man fandom, and I can’t. Over many years, the mangaka has said things/put things in in a certain way that I decided to overlook. Stereotypical transphobic “okama” inserts. The novel she approved where it was said a guy’s first kiss didn’t count because it was with a guy. Um. Frankly, I didn’t like the Alma arc...... at all. I found that it was mostly tell and not show w/ Kanda and past!Alma’s romance.... and I’m just like........ he was white in his past life his was completely different... and they were lovers in their past lives but their portrayal in their present lives are only as friends? Um. ok I’m rambling and there’s a lot of stuff too but. My point is, I don’t expect anything of her anymore. I don’t hate her, I just don’t respect her as much anymore. I don’t have faith in her anymore to write the absolute best, and she proves me right in recent chapters quite a bit. I’m still quite mixed-feelings there. (Also, I know a lot of people made fun of kls for being so emotionally dependent on kl, but. I’ve been stanning Yullen since 2006. Over ten years. It is literally my life. It’s the main reason if not the only that I’m still alive. The other is my merch. Once I tomb my merch, sayounara Earth.)

I don’t expect authors to be perfect but. I think it’s reasonable for me to not be able to have faith here. Most of the times I held onto faith, it was crushed. I already had faith in that they’d return everyone to their original lions, because honestly I wanted them at each other’s side while saving the world together, in a way that I found most beautiful. I mean, the only thing that could beat that tbh is Shiro getting his own mecha, which I find unlikely. Oriande arc was done already and the white lion accepted Allura and the comic version was just a Robeast, so I found it very unlikely that he would pilot white. 

I don’t really know if this is all so childish. It’s hard to care about a lot of things when you, well, deal with dark thoughts every day, and I’m such a bad adult that before worrying over worldy issues, I can’t. even help myself. I don’t eat most days. The entire past weeks I’ve felt like passing out. Vomited on monday from nausea. major depressive disorder. been to two psych wards, the first time for a month. chronic headaches, chronic back pain... being 24 without a degree because I still haven’t finished studying the language I even need to get into the school I want mmmmmm I’m pretty worthless, man. Shipping’s my best distraction. Yes, I know it’s not healthy. But it’s either that or me being dead so.

Anyway. I’m just trying to say that I think it’s fair for me to be bitter like this. I personally think I didn’t take it very far, but. I think it’s fair that I/we’re upset.

[dont-give-money-to-jkrowling]

Remus Lupin in HBP : notes

hey guys ! i am currently trying to reread the hp series, hoping to gain a better understanding of remus’ character. i started with this book bc it was physically closer to me than the other ones and i hate moving.

i will transcribe all these messy notes in a fully detailed and well explained analysis, but first i thought i would post the notes i took from the book bc they are fun and very extensive, so maybe other people can then use them for their analysis of the character ( if you do, please credit me )

warning : they are, however, not very academic. i tried not to get subjective, or at least to state the facts before to add my own reactions. also, i read the book in french so i wasn’t able to quote the book directly and also sometimes i nickname dumbledore “dumbie the meanie”

oh and also a lot of these were written late when i was half asleep so my english is probably terrible and they might not always make sense.

and finally : i swear a lot. and capitalize a lot. get ready.

- Molly mentions that he comes to visit the Weasley household

- Hermione mentions that he tried to make Tonks feel better about Sirius’ death ( including the fact that she didn’t manage to defeat Bellatrix therefore stopping her from killing him ) what a sweet and gentle bean

- first actual apparition in chapter 6 : Harry says his clothes look even more miserable than ever, that he seems too thin and depressed and that he had a lot of white hair SOMEBODY HUGS THAT CHILD

- also he talks about an ex death eater that had been killed and says « i’m surprised he survived an entire year after leaving the death eaters ; if i remember correctly regulus only lasted a few days » which shows that he knows a lot more about regulus’ death than everybody else – makes quite a lot of sense

- literally can’t stop speaking about the war and people who died and how things aren’t looking up for their side

- we see that a lot of protection spells and such are against werewolves : while most of them are scams, i wouldn’t be surprised there was a lot of silver going around at the time, which isn’t a good sign for remus’ safety and health ( mental and physical )

- draco says fenrir greyback is a friend of his family – was he possibly a friend of the blacks ? I need answers

- at hogwarts, harry says that he hoped lupin would write to him, but that he didn’t. He seems disappointed

- he spends christmas with the weasleys ! Why is no one talking about this friendship

- when harry sees him, he thinks he looks skinnier and more miserable than ever. I guess dumbledore is too busy getting harry ready to die to buy him some FREAKING FOOD

- also even on christmas eve in the middle of some bloody party he stays by himself near the fire and looks depressed, he only starts partaking in the conversation when the war is mentionned

- says dumbie the meanie sent him with the werewolves where he was unable to communicate with anyone. He also says ( will have to check in the english version ) that the werewolves are « his pears and equals » in a probably self pitying way

- harry says he seems bitter about having been asked to do this job. ( again, need original text ) but he also appears to be upset to be seen as the token werewolf here

- as soon as he realizes he sounds bitter he tries to smile and says he isn’t complaining and that it’s true that he should do this job and that it is necessary blablabla much BS

- he says other werewolves have a hard time trusting him bc he lived with wizards and they had to steal and kill to eat ( bc… you obviously look… so well fed… and privileged… )

- when harry asks him who Greyback is, he visibly tenses , but when he is the one to mention him ( talking about his mission ) he seems pretty normal

- ALSO he apparently has to see Greyback for his mission what the fork dumbie

- says greyback wants to create an army to overpower the wizarding world sounds festive and also that werewolves have a right to blood and should seek revenge on « normal people »

- seems surprinsingly open to discussing how he got bitten ? Like harry asks if it was when he was a kid and remus just roll on about what happened and his feelings good for him

- for a long time he thought the werewolf who bite him had done it by accident and felt sorry for them and apparently learnt the truth much later HOW DID YOU LEARN IT SOUNDS SO ANGSTY

- when harry says remus is normal and just has a « problem » it reminds him of james and he immediatly starts laughing his heart out this is both nice and really sad

- then starts sharing precious childhood memories and cheers up once again this is both nice and sad

- after that he jokes a bit and wow only a mention of james and his childhood made that sad lonely man so happy i want to cry

- AND MORE AND MORE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ABOUT THE MARAUDERS

- talks a lot about james but avoids mentioning sirius even when harry tries to bring him up and doesnt even come close to talking about peter

- apparently he got a weasley sweater for christmas this is the cutest thing ever

- remus confirms once again that he isn’t speaking to anyone and probably avoids human contact as much as humanly possible this boi needs a good old therapist

- harry considers remus a patronus expert ??? chill just bc he thaught you that doesn’t mean he wrote his thesis on it

- but apparently he did bc guess who knows exactly why your patronus would change ???

- gets a bit awkward when tonks’ patronus is mentioned and is less at ease with words than usually. Also talks very slowly ( to remember when writing pining remus !! )

- hermione asks about him at hogwarts after the holidays PEOPLE CARE REMUS STOPS AVOIDING EVERYONE

- HOW COULD I FORGET TO MENTION THAT WHEN SNAPE IS MENTIONED HE IS LIKE « YA SURE HE RUINED MY LIFE AND THE ONE OF EVERY OTHER WEREWOLF IN THE COUNTRY BUT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT HE MADE ME THIS POTION »

- also he says harry’s feelings of hate towards snape come from the old predjudice inherited from james are fucking with me 1) hate justified 2) he literally used the m slur against lily and took part in racist bullying becoming later a facist and 3) i dont really think james had the time to teach harry that snape was a bad guy do you ? #calledout

- tonks hints that remus isn’t giving her any news about, for example, whether he’s alive or not. Remus really ? Bad manners.

- when Harry looks at all the detention’s files, he says Remus’ and Peter’s names were only occasionnally associated with the ones of James and Sirius, who were much more punished. Prank example : inflating another student’s head

- so this is more about greyback than remus but he talks really freely about biting children ( which must have been joyful to hear about poor lil remus ) and other death eaters hex him ? They never hex each other ? So they probably feel pretty entitled to hexing any werewolf that come their way

- also something about this attack bothers me. Dumbledore said he asked for the order members in hogsmeade to come to defend hogwarts but why was remus here then ? And later, when he tells about the battle, he says he saw greyback but there is no mention of them fighting or something yet greyback was supposed not to know remus was a spy for the order ? What is going on here i need answers

- i think remus’ bite mark was probably somewhere on his neck bc that’s where greyback wanted to bite harry. Does remus have to wear constant turtlenecks to hide it ? Omg

- REALLY SNAPE ? When they are both fighting after he killed dumbie he wants to run off and harry calls him a coward and he answers “oh yeah well when your dad bullied me it was always four against one so ha who’s the coward now” like WOW i do not appreciate you and oh also i guess possible information about the fact that the marauders acted together against snape but it’s kind of a contradiction with snape’s own memory where it’s only sirius and remus ? Guess snape is just making things up

- at the school hospital, remus has to stay with bill, who just got attacked by greyback, and that cannot be fun

- people don’t dare to say the word werewolf around remus for some reason

- HOW DOES REMUS KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BILL AFTER HIS HALF BITE WHAT DID HE WITNESS WHILE SPYING

- when he learns that dumbledore died, he has a complete breakdown ( well he falls to a chair and hides his face in his hands and looks really distressed ) and harry says it’s the first time he sees remus losing control of himself. People underestimate how loyal to dumbie the meanie remus was

- he justified snape for a very long time but as soon as he learns he kills dumbledore ? He goes full ‘i hate him’ mode and says he has been a death eater spy the whole time

- he also used to say snape versus marauders was just old school rivalries but now he says « um, snape hated james » so really a lot of his attitude was really influenced by dumbledore

- as he is himself completely devastated, he takes time to comfort everyone and says « nah it’s not your fault » to everyone who blames themselves

- says a death curse nearly hit him during the battle. That is not a part of his character analysis but damn

- he « recovers » pretty quickly from his breakdown. Like they say his tone is harsh but that’s all lol wish i could get over something that fast

- nah kidding he’s probably just used to all the ‘don’t let them see, don’t let them knoooow’

- MOVING ON TO THAT REMUS/TONKS SCENE I DISLIKE

- as soon as tonks opens her mouth to talk about them dating, he ‘suddenly tenses’

- OKAY WHAT THE FUCK when remus tries to say that he doesn’t want to date tonks she grabs him, yells+ at him and shakes him down ? WHAT THE HELL BACK OFF

- apparently, when having a conversation about his love life, remus loves to stare at all this beautiful floor

- apparently remus predicted that the board members would try and close off hogwarts

- at the funeral he is holding tonks’ hand