#or you could always just read the few lyrics i included lol

[catgirlsp0ck]

the bg3 companions and what i think their favorite judas priest album/song is (including lyrics that i think fit each character and also this is not including halsin, minthara or durge sorry lol)

Wyll

i think wyll would like the album sin after sin. some of the songs are pretty romantic and i think he would really enjoy them. his favorites from this album i think would be last rose of summer and i think he definitely listened to here come the tears for a while after he was cast out from baldur's gate. here's an excerpt from last rose of summer that i think wyll would like: "I give you this, the last rose of summer / A token of my unyielding love / So when the winter's mantle stills the earth / And all around seems dead and cold / This rose reminds you of a time when all was warm and living" and here's a lyric from here come the tears that i think wyll would've resonated with: "Looks like it'll always be the same / No one here to comfort me / Here come the tears / All alone, no one cares /So much to give to you all out there" i think wyll would've liked this line in particular because im sure he didn't have time as the blade of frontiers to have the fairytale romance he wanted bc he was traveling and saving people and didn't make time for himself or for love. and another lyric from the here come the tears, for when he does find a love of his own (whether that be your tav, or an origin character): "Take me now, in your arms / Let me rest, safe from harm"

Astarion

defenders of the faith would be his favorite and he would joke and say it's bc of all the songs about gay sex (jawbreaker, love bites, eat me alive lol) but he also just really likes the song night comes down, which i feel like would be a perfect song for astarion. here's an excerpt of some lyrics from the song: "In the last rays of the setting sun / And the past days, yeah, that's where our memories run / And all of those times, still race through my mind / I'm shattered inside to find / When the night comes down / I'm here all alone / When the night comes down / There's nowhere to go"

Karlach

karlach would like the album painkiller. i feel like she would love the fast pace of the album and you know she would absolutely pull out the air drums or air guitar which would be so fun to do for this album. her favorite song would probably be either hell patrol or leather rebel ! here's a line from leather rebel that i think is a little on the nose for karlach lol: "Leather rebel / With a burning heart" and also earlier in the song: "Like a renegade / All alone I walk through fire / 'Til I crash and blaze / I'm living on the edge"

Lae'zel

honestly i think lae'zel has probably never listened to music before the whole tadpole situation. idk gith lore but i feel like they would probably see music as a waste of time unless it's some song about vlaakith but for the purpose of this list, im ignoring all that and saying she would like the album ram it down (which i am very biased for bc it's my favorite album lol). i think she'd like the songs hard as iron and blood red skies. here's a lyric from hard as iron that i think she'd like: "As I destroy, last thing you'll hear me cry, is victory, is victory / I'm blazing on to glory / There's thunder in my veins / And nothing stands before me / Forever I'll remain / Hard as iron / Sharp as steel / Stop for no man / You better beg and kneel" and from blood red skies, she'd probably like these lyrics: "I will stand, I will fight / You'll never take me alive / I'll stand my ground / I won't go down / You won't break me / You won't make me / You won't take me / Under blood red skies"

Gale

a little unconventional for gale but i think he would like a few songs from screaming for vengeance. specifically (take these) chains, fever, prisoner of your eyes and pain and pleasure. pain and pleasure, (take these) chains and prisoner of your eyes make me think of gale's relationship with mystra. for example, from pain and pleasure: "Do what you wanna do / Oh what you put me through / How I suffer for your love" and from prisoner of your eyes: "Love is blind / And love deceives you / You came along and captured me / Now I'm a prisoner of your eyes / Trapped in time / I cannot leave you / I'm just a prisoner of your eyes / As each day goes by / I've given up completely / I've locked myself inside your heart / And thrown away the key / Only time will tell / If I can live without you / Can you see into the future / Will you ever set me free" and the song fever is perfect for when you are romancing him. the beginning of the song perfectly describes gale as he was stuck in his tower with just tara for company: "I'd spend my days alone / I used to stay at home / Lost in seclusion there. / Like I was in a cell / A captured heart as well" and the later half of the song is perfect for describing his romance with tav or an origin character: "Then one night as I walked / I heard your body talk / I saw a shooting star / In some magnetic trance / Our beating hearts would dance / And crash down from afar. / Oh how strange fate is / Never dreamed of this. / So destiny has brought us / Oh so close together / We were like angels in the night / Living the dream / At last I'll be with you forever. / And all at once it feels so right."

Shadowheart

i think shadowheart would like the album nostradamus (an album which i think is pretty divisive with judas priest fans, a lot of people hate it and some ppl love it. i just listened to it for the first time for this post lmfao. i was trying to find lyrics that would be good for shart and found one in this album so i listened to it for the first time, i liked it :P ). while she can't relate to the whole album of course (bc its about nostradamus lol),, there are definitely a few lyrics that shadowheart would resonate with. particularly in the songs exiled, hope and new beginnings. from the song exiled: "I'm banished in exile / To meet their demand / Rejected messiah / They don't understand / I'm searching for something / That's lost in my heart / God knows I'm a sinner / I'm falling apart / If this is my destiny / I've got to believe / The passion inside me / Has left me to bleed" and from the song hope: "I see your light on the wings of a dove / Lifting me up as the dark clouds retreat / Courage transcends and you make me complete / Hope in my heart with the advent of spring / I am reborn with the love that you bring" these lyrics make me think of when dame aylin helps shadowheart with her past and her future after leaving shar behind. and then, these lyrics from the song new beginnings: "A new beginning has arrived / At the crossroads of my life / This new love keeps me alive" now, tbh i haven't romanced shadowheart (YET) but these lyrics make me think of shadowheart after choosing between becoming a dark justiciar for shar or rejecting that and leaving shar behind (the crossroads mentioned in the lyrics) and her love for tav or an origin character helping to keep her going after the tough decisions she had to make and knowing that her love will be standing with her as she navigates that future for herself.

[lots-of-sun]

A/n: Somehow I always end up writing about people walking LOL. Also a lot of my fic titles come from song lyrics!

Tamao Serizawa x Fem!Reader

SO KISS ME

Working at a bookstore always had its interesting experiences, especially when I'm usually the only person on shift everyday. Despite still being in high school, I was always rostered on, I guess being in senior year was bound to have it's downsides. The boss was always so picky about who worked here, not that it really mattered as long as you were competent. But over the two years I'd been employed here, I seem to be the only one who stuck. Not that my boss was ever mean or harsh, just didn't accept lazy or disrespectful staff. That's how I always ended up on the same schedule every week. Not that I minded, consistency was oddly relaxing, not having to worry about what to do next, always knowing.

The shop is small, yet packed with book shelves and a single table seating area right at the front of the main floor, across from the counter. I'd always loved the vintage and cozy vibe this building had, tucked away on a back street, like a little treasure that you'd only be able to find if you looked hard enough or stumbled across by accident.

One thing that kept me around this job for so long, was the people. With every face that stepped through that entrance came a new story, a new corner of the world I'd never learned about, a new adventure. The odd sense of home I got from the regulars who frequented for the newest reads or even the classics, always put a smile on my face. Though there was someone who stopped by often, despite never buying anything.

Tamao Serizawa had slipped into my life fairly nonchalantly, so much so that I don't entirely remember ever meeting him in the first place. Though I do recall the first time I'd seen him, walking past the open doors of the bookstore about a year and a half ago. He'd been surrounded by his group of friends, laughing along with them. He hadn't noticed me back then, but that changed a few months later.

I had easily forgotten about seeing him, I saw almost a hundred faces a day, even if it was just from people watching when the store was dead. It was a Monday afternoon when he'd entered the shop with his usual gang, I'd been adding pricing labels to newly arrived books from behind the counter near the door. They all wore classic school boy uniforms, yet they all seemed to be tweaked differently, defining them to being individual. They'd piled in near the entrance and brushed off my offer for assistance, though a pair of eyes seemed to linger on me. Even after they had looked around and left without purchasing anything, I couldn't shake the feeling of having someone watching me. Though I tried to brush it off as nonchalantly as I could.

That was until they began to come in more frequently, sometimes it was the whole group and other times it was only two or three of them but Tamao was always amongst them. Soon, they'd started spending most afternoons in the small seating area near the front of the store, never reading but always talking, plotting things I'd only eavesdropped on when I got bored. It became apparent to me pretty quickly that they were a part of one of the neighboring gang schools, though I didn't judge, there was no point, not when I didn't know them. After their first few rendezvous, they began including me in conversations, some were incredibly trivial, the kind of chats you'd have with friends. And others were serious, asking for advice and even if I didn't know how to answer, I tried my best.

On most weekends, Serizawa came in alone. Browsing the visual novel section, making small talk and asking for recommendations. He was always more engaged and at ease when he was alone, like he had more time to think without someone talking in his ear all the time. It's something I found comfort in, getting to see two separate sides to the same person. I wonder if he was like this with his friends, if he was actually always this calm and I just overlooked it when he was surrounded by others. But I definitely grew attracted to this side of him and eventually began to watch him more often, even if it was brief glances in his direction.

Today was no different than any other, heading straight to work after my final class of the day, changing out of my uniform in the stores bathroom and relieving my co-worker from their shift. I head out to the main floor and take a seat on the wooden stool behind the counter. My eyes scan the open notebook that sits next to the cash register, going over the list of responsibilities I have to complete before closing the store for the night.

Then the entrance bell rings and I don't even need to look up to know who it is, I'd heard them before they even made it to the door. The familiar sound of chatter and heavy shoes against the hardwood floors makes me smile. I raise my head to see exactly the people I'd expected.

"Hey guys, finally decide to indulge yourselves in literature?" I joke, knowing the answer is a resounding no. I take in all of their appearances, looking how they always do, save for a few extra bruises. My eyes linger on Serizawa for a split second, his gaze already fixed on me by the time I look towards him.

"Not today, but maybe one of these days" Tokio speaks up first, over the chorus of greetings I received.

"I could use a good book" Tokaji mumbles, already heading over to the seating area with Tsutsumoto.

"Serizawa's definitely trying to indulge in something else" The Mikami brothers whisper to each other, snickering at their own teasing words. They earn a slap on the back of the head by the man himself, the same hand retracting to run through his short hair.

"Don't mind them, monkeys haven't had their banana today" Serizawa's voice is thick as he lunges towards the brothers who scurry away to join everyone else at the table. He turns back to me, giving a small smile. "Yellow suits you" He adds softly, referring to the crew neck sweater I wore, before turning to join the others.

I smile at his words, feeling my heart leap in my chest. My eyes follow him to where he sits, it's kind of odd seeing him so outwardly different when he is around his friends, knowing there's a whole other side to him. I need to stop staring before any of them notice, even worse if it's Tamao himself. I busy myself with the duties of the checklist that's been taunting me since I sat down, but don't miss the feeling of someone watching me.

I hadn't even noticed how late it had gotten until I come out from the back room and it's getting dark outside. Tamao and his gang had left not too long ago, having said their goodbyes before disappearing down the street, while I continued to pack up for the night.

I let out a sigh of relief, happy to be finally heading home. I double check that I've locked the doors properly before turning to start my walk home, maybe I'll catch a taxi instead, I'm tired tonight. But as I turn to my left, there he is. Tamao Serizawa, standing under a yellowed street lamp with a half finished cigarette hanging from his lips, which he exhales the smoke through his nose. He's facing me, watching me like he usually does. Except this isn't usual, he's never here when I close the store, not that I've noticed at least. But overall, he seems to have been waiting for me. He flicks the cigarette to the pavement and puts it out with his foot, clearing his throat as he takes a few slow steps towards me.

"Serizawa? Is everything okay?" I ask, a slight concern filling my voice. Blame it on the overthinking, but I jump to the conclusion he might need support, whether it be emotionally or physically. Though as he lets out a calm chuckle, I think he might want something else.

"I hope so" He responds shortly, a smirk ghosting his lips as he stops when he's close enough to talk more gently. "Sorry to make you worry, I just thought I could walk you home." He clears his throat, "It can get... lonely"

I sort of blink at him as I purse my lips, trying to hold back a smile at his reasoning. It was clearly an excuse but I let it slide, barely. I notice the way the corner of his lips quirk up and his eyes squint, obviously being aware of how blatant his defense is. Now we're both standing here, staring at each other in the dim light of the side walk, clearly trying not to laugh. He tries to break his expression but ends up falling into a deeper grin.

"Yep" I squeak out, closing my eyes as my voice cracks with a rising laugh. "It can, how thoughtful of y... you" My slight pause comes from the lurch of my body as I try my hardest not to laugh at the expression he's making, he looks like he's trying to hold in a sneeze and I probably don't look much different.

We both let out a small snicker at each other, which devolves into a chuckle and a laugh. It feels like I'm melting into this moment and the implications of why he'd want to walk me home has my heart racing. We try to compose ourselves, a small giggle here and there. He looks down at his shoes before back up, seemingly regained his previous demeanor, despite the curl of a smile on his lips.

"Let's go, it's late as is" He tries to be serious and I let him, let him be who he wants to be. I nod in agreement with him and as I begin to walk, he follows.

It's not long before we're in my neighborhood, I'd always lived close to where I worked, not wanting to have to take the packed trains everyday. We'd walked in near silence the whole way here. It didn't bother me though, if anything it was sort of endearing, not feeling like I have to talk all the time. Serizawa is the first to break the silence as we near my house.

"I don't want to mess this up" His voice is vulnerable, it almost shocks me into freezing but I match his slowing steps and look towards him. I open my mouth to speak, ask if somethings going on but he cuts me off before I can.

"You mean a lot to me, more than I thought you would. You were always beautiful to me and I couldn't stop myself from coming back to you, even when I wasn't sure. But now I am sure, I know how I feel and I don't want you to slip away without ever telling you." His voice is the calm, soft tone it always was when we were alone together and my heart leaps to my throat at the realization of what he's trying to say.

"Serizawa, are y-"

"I like you a lot and if you are willing, I'd love to take you out" He speaks again before I can finish my sentence. He seems so assured in what he's saying. A smile is now growing on my lips as I go to respond, to tell him I'd love to.

"Tama-" And once again, before I can say any more he interrupts, this time sounding slightly more nervous and he holds an unreadable expression. He brings his hand up to run his fingers through his hair.

"I understand if you don't feel the same way but I needed to at least tell you, I wouldn't be able to let you go if I didn't say anything" He concludes sincerely and this time he finally looks towards me. I can't help but grin and the heat that's rushes to my cheeks tells me I'm blushing. He looks unsure, like he thinks I might just start laughing at him.

"You know what I love about you?" I start, a small laugh escaping my lips. "How you let me finish my sentences" It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders as he mirrors my smile, giving a small chuckle. It's my turn to cut him off as he opens his mouth to say something.

"And, I love when you come around and the way you run your hand through your hair when you're nervous" My grin widens as he looks away slightly, seemingly surprised I'd noticed his anxious habit. I place my hand on his arm softly, "And I'd love to go out with you"

His smile widens and his expression is something I've never seen him have before, it's a mixture of relief and adoration. The way his eyes are trained on mine in the soft glow of the street lamps, it has my heart pounding. I let myself relax, relieved that my feelings weren't one sided.

"Then it's settled, let's date?" He asks, sounding like he's double checking that's what I really meant.

I can't help but grin wider, shaking my head softly in disbelief. Pushing the gate to my house and holding it open with my body, I face out into the street to look at him, I nod reassuring.

"Yeah, let's date, unless you've already changed your mind" I tease him softly and I watch as he rolls his eyes sarcastically. It feels odd how easily we seems to fit in with each other, feeling closer and more confident.

"I could kiss you right now" He says those words like it's the most natural thing to say in this moment and maybe it is, but I still feel my face burn in a deeper blush. He lets out a chuckle and stuffs his hands in his pockets, preparing to leave. But I don't want him to go, not yet at least.

"Then do it" I take a step closer to him, hearing the gate squeak softly as it moves with me.

He looks up towards me now that I'm standing on the small step that leads to the gate, his eyes shine with something I can't quite recognize. He takes a step forwards as well and I lean down slightly so I can reach his face. One of his hands withdraws from his pocket, raising to rest on the curve of my waist and my hand moves to cradle his jaw. Our lips connect in a soft but quick kiss, one that leaves me wanting more. His lips are cold but inviting and I don't want this to end. As I pull back gently, I feel his hand leave my side and mine retracts back to tuck under the warmth of my crew neck.

"Goodnight, Tamao" I whisper, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to his cheek.

I enter the front area of my house and begin to close the gate as he steps out of view behind the solid fence of my property, not before hearing a small 'night' come from him. As I approach my front door, the hum of a tv playing fills my ears. Though as I step up on the front step that leads to the threshold of the building, I turn back to look over the top of the fence, watching the back of Tamao's body get further and further away.

"Yes!" It's soft but I still hear it and watch as Serizawa pumps his fist in the air like he's won a great victory. The sight makes me cover my mouth to hold in a small laugh. I finally look away and I find myself still grinning. I don't want the way my heart lurches for him to stop and something tells me it won't ever, something tells me he'll keep my heart safe.

[manofbeskar]

mild spoilers below for the last few chapters of 'bang the doldrums' under the cut (in case anyone here wants to read it but hasn't lol) just talking about scenes/ideas i had but didn't end up using, and extra details that didn't get included in the story

i didn't end up having time (or opportunity) to put this in 'bang the doldrums' but i had an idea for the story that at one point shanks would get a sore throat (from sucking a certain someone off 💀 ) but can't sing during a concert, so mihawk has to take over singing for a night. he ends up changing "i" to "you" (and vice versa) for some songs — essentially indirectly letting shanks know he has always known the songs are about him. one example is him singing 'hum hallelujah' as "you could write it better than i ever felt it (...) just off the key of reason you thought you loved me, it was just how i looked in the light"

didn't end up having time to put this in—mainly with how the last few chapters were paced and what i needed to get done during those, and where shanks and mihawk are emotionally, it just wasn't feasible to put this scene in... but i thought i could share the idea with you guys anyway.

another idea i had but couldn't use was one piece meeting the members of corazon at the award show—because shanks and mihawk confess their love to each other then, there just wasn't time to put it in. i felt it would ruin the pacing especially since it would have contributed absolutely nothing to the plot by that point and i try to make sure everything plays a part in a story

i ultimately didn't get to one piece's third album. the tracklist would have been as follows:

the (after) life of the party

g.i.n.a.s.f.s.

the kids aren't alright

fake out

favorite record

7 minutes in heaven (atavan heaven)

miss missing you

pavlove

hold me like a grudge

flu game

jet pack blues — would have been written by mihawk

save rock and roll (ft. roger)

i've got a dark alley and a bad idea

most of these managed to appear anyway as loose lyrics, works in progress or unreleased songs. the story just didn't go long enough to fully use the album... and some of the songs probably would be swapped out for others

another idea that didn't get to see the light of day was shanks would've made mihawk record his own version of iconic songs like 'hum hallelujah'. just couldn't find the right place to put this in

another abandoned idea for the last chapter was that mihawk would have written 'the (shipped) gold standard' to tell shanks that one line "i want to scream 'i love you' from the top of my lungs but i'm afraid that someone else will hear me". he would have surprised shanks with it at a show (the same way shanks surprised him with 'the (after) life of the party' at vivi's party), and then shanks would have confessed his feelings after the show. ultimately didn't work out

i wanted a flashback of rayleigh asking mihawk to "take care of shanks's heart, he often chooses to ignore what he wants" right before one piece left for their first two-week tour. couldn't find a good place to put it in, so roger just brings it up in conversation when he and ray see the mihawk x hancock article

mihawk's absence was going to be longer, and last 6 months. didn't think he needed to be away that long, and that shanks can't wait half a year before telling mihawk he hopes he'll come home

originally, there would be no replacement drummer after buggy leaves the band (beck would help record drums, but drums would be played as part of electronic instrumentals during live shows). didn't think this was feasible long-term, and put yasopp in to replace him. i felt like shanks letting buggy go off on his own and finding a replacement so the band can move forward was a step in the right direction for shanks to accept some things don't work out the way he wants

some small details i had but didn't end up using as they had 0 significance to the plot:

uta, when she's older, would have signed with elegia, a record label

uta's touring band consisting of the east blue roster of the straw hats were just called UTA

hancock's band amazon lily is managed by shakky

but mihawk continues attending kendo classes once a week during college, while shanks ended up quitting to focus on school. this one was vaguely implied in one line when shanks remembers how mihawk still attended kendo when they were in college, but doesn't say "we" to hint he quit

the original birthday road trip mihawk was attempting to recreate in their big talk chapter was their 20th. a few months after it, shanks finished 'hum hallelujah', and then started writing 'immortals'

luffy is still garp's grandson. because garp works in the music industry, luffy meets many musicians and learns how to play the drums so he could tour with uta. luffy got obsessed with one piece and told garp about the band, so garp was very open to meeting and accommodating one piece. i didn't think this connection was very important in the end, so didn't bother including it

implied, but shanks and mihawk's only rules for stage gay was no actual crotch touching (grinding did not count) and no moves that would interfere with their guitar-playing

the band's social media handles are RedHairedShanks, OPMihawk, and BuggyDrums

here are all the songs shanks wrote when mihawk came home:

grand theft autumn / where is your boy

fourth of july

(coffee's for closers)

g.i.n.a.s.f.s.

the kids aren't alright

miss missing you

all appearing musicians and real-life musicians's discographies they used:

one piece: fall out boy (duh)

amazon lily: marina / marina and the diamonds

corazon: surf curse

buggy's delivery: crawlers

uta: ado (of course)

perona: tying tiffany

oro jackson: rolling stones

franky was undecided

anyway that's about all of it! thought it could be fun to put them all down somewhere

[cornflakes7]

I read the headcanons of seeing their s/ perfoming in a underground livehouse and i can request the same but with Rei,Leo and Eichi (with the song "deep into the forest" by ave Mujica)

𝘽𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙥𝙩.2

Where you, a famous idol’s lover happens to be a secret underground performer! (this will be the sequel to my previous work)

Character include Rei, Leo and Eichi x GN reader (separate)

notes: Hello Anonymous! Thank you for requesting, my GOD I am late on this request I am super sorry 😭🙏 I apologize if these were short! Please enjoy

warnings: none

𝙍𝙚𝙞 𝙎𝙖𝙠𝙪𝙢𝙖

rei is definitely into metal music. like that’s kind of undead’s theme already

so he would love to see you be singing and performing this sort of genre! or just singing in general lol

but he just can’t stand the fact that you keep trying to hide that singing voice from him

so he would constantly pester you into singing or would try to put on a faux-hurt reaction to guilt trip you into feeling bad…

he soon would realize that nothing would work on you so he just gave up 😭

UNTIL ONE DAY he comes across the entrance to an underground concert which made him curious

rei expected to see other metal bands on stage but would never think to see you up there!

he was really impressed nonetheless, just watching you perform from the back like a proud dad

after the show, he figured who would just text you a message about the concert

if you were embarrassed about him seeing you, rei would assure you that this will only be between you and him, he may or may not have recorded a bit of the show for himself

𝙇𝙚𝙤 ��𝙨𝙪𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙜𝙖

he would always try to make you sing a song to “help him get inspiration”

whether he’s being serious about it or not, you always choose not to but all he’s asking from you is to just sing just a bit! 🙏

now, i think he wouldn’t be the type of person to listen to metal but would be willing to listen to a track

leo would find out about the underground concert from a flyer he happened to see somewhere

thinking it looks cool he’d go to that location to have a look at the concert

but just the sight of seeing you up there was enough to make him cheer loudly, although he really tried not to make too much of a scene

he would really be into the music and just from that, our composer may have thought of a few ideas for his songs

leo really had to thank you in person and praise you for the performance you put on because he truly thought it was amazing!

from now on, you will be the person to help him write lyrics and think of new beats

𝙀𝙞𝙘𝙝𝙞 𝙏𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙞𝙣

i feel like eichi would rarely listen to music…

if anything he’d listen to classical music

he wouldn’t pressure you to sing around him, but still would be a teeny bit curious on what your singing voice sounds like

i also think that eichi hasn’t really been to any underground concerts,,, but if he received an invite to one, he’d definitely check it out!

eichi was curious to see and hear the songs people will perform since this would definitely be his first time at an underground concert

even so, the last person he expected to be on stage was you! he made sure to give you as much support as he could from the crowd

he’d also feel happy that you gained the confidence to perform in front of many others just like he does <3

if you have spot him in the crowd, he’d be sure to give you a smile back and maybe get you a little gift as a prize for the good performance

although he is not familiar with metal music, eichi would definitely give the genre another try thanks to your performance

[cinderflower]

👄🤔🦗☕⏳

👄 Your OTP are having their first kiss. What song do you imagine is playing?

MalMiq clearly are kissing to the beautiful sounds of the envoy horns of course lol

This question did stump me because I think pretty much all of my ships are non-modern and I struggle to imagine them in situations with modern music. So I'll just pick one of my go-to songs I listen to for setting the vibes when I write soft scenes of confessions, with lyrics that I think represent the ships well.

Princes: Skin - Marika Hackman (there's literally So Many I have for princes but this is the one I listened to most when writing Stay)

MalMiq: Unconditionally - Roniit (there's also so many for MalMiq but this is the first song on my FoR playlist for a reason)

🤔What are some words or phrases you find yourself overusing?

Oh there's so many, I think right now my biggest nemesis is the word "as" purely because of how I write in past tense. I've been trying to use it less to make my sentences more dynamic and interesting but ough it's hard.

Not necessarily a specific word or phrase but if I write for the same ship enough I will reuse the same gestures of intimacy between them repeatedly and even certain phrases they say to each other unconsciously. This is what kills me in the editing process is I'll be reading a scene and realize 'oh this sounds exactly like the scene from X fic'. It happened with Princes, it's currently happening with MalMiq (how many times will there be a focus on Malenia's thighs? So many and with no plans to stop), and I'm just trying to tell myself it's fine, people who read multiple of my fics probably don't mind it and people who only read one will be reading it for the first time. I always try and make it unique though as best I can by either the situation or emotional crux driving it so even if the actions are the same the underlying motives and meanings are different.

🦗Do you write in sequence or jump around?

I very rarely write out of sequence, it's partially why I don't feel too uncomfortable posting long fics chapter by chapter, but it does mean I don't get the opportunity to go back and make minor adjustments to prior chapters to better foreshadow certain things. For example in RM because I posted it all after I finished writing I went back and added small references to Knight General Godwyn in the first few chapters so his appearance was else jarring when I did introduce him. I'd do the same thing for FoR if I wasn't posting it chapter by chapter, like including a mention of Siluria's lessons instead of introducing her presence so late, but usually it's minor things like that.

Otherwise I either have a very strong vision of what I intend to write in terms of major plot beats (even if my outlines and notes are uh frighteningly sparse and vague) and/or I trust myself to be cohesive as I write. Usually this means going back and re-reading previous chapters while writing the next one, which is why updates take longer and longer the deeper I get into a long fic.

☕Coffee or tea while you write?

Coffee for sure, I'm not a tea person at all. I also basically only drink water, coffee, and energy drinks though I'm trying to cut energy drinks back out. I'm a terrible host because all I ever have for guests is water or coffee lol.

⏳If you could go back in time and tell your younger writer self something, what would it be?

Oh I'd absolutely tell my younger self not to take a 10 year break from writing and that as busy as I am, it's worth it to continue doing something I love and not to let work/life trample on my hobbies. It's still one of my biggest regrets honestly, and I think of how much I could have accomplished in those years, but it's fine now I'm just glad I'm back to doing a hobby I love. 😊

[heybaetae]

gifmaker / cc wrapped 2023!

thanks for tagging me my angel @jkvjimin 💜

i tried really hard not to choose all comp sets, but those take the most effort and therefore are what i'm prouder of than a standard set, but regardless...

here are my top 10 fave creations of the year:

bts chapter 1 insta feed // this was an insanely taxing project and is probably the most work i've ever put into anything, but i was really inspired to do it. it took about a week (one day for each panel) and was repetitive, i literally threw out my back by day 3 from sitting working on it that my body was in SO MUCH PAIN, but i wanted to get everything right and make it make sense which is why i wrote up a detail post breaking it down and explaining every decision that went into this. i still intend to make this a series and do one dedicated to their japanese discography (i actually started on one before i published this but didn't like the concept) and for their solo work, but it doesn't feel like the right time yet as things continue to release. but i look forward to it!

cheesy bts valentine cards // this was purposely corny, but the response was unbelievable! i had fun working on it and was so happy it made people laugh and smile. the tags were a joy to read on this post and it's my fourth most popular gifset ever. thank you!

bts guide to troubled birds // yet another corny idea, but i get a kick out of making silly comps and was inspired to make this. i started with jimin's as an experiment because his poem was the easiest to choose and built the rest of it from there, carefully deciding which poem to apply to each member and recreating them from scratch. i love celebrating their chaos in fun ways, so this was nice!

jungkook's sensitive tear ducts // sometimes i get really random comp ideas and spontaneously start making something with no plan. this was one of those times and it is now my third most popular gifset since making this blog in 2020 lol. ofc i'd never gif him upset about anything serious, so i only chose moments that didn't feel inappropriate to include to keep this set lighthearted and humorous.

long live bts (10th anniversary set) // i always knew i wanted to make something with the lyrics of that song because every word of it reminds me of their story. the 10th anniversary was perfect since it literally says "it was the end of a decade". i wanted the set to just be really simple so i went with a more desaturated look and focused more on choosing a scene from each year that fit the lyric per that gif.

love me again mv // this was my first time bothering to gif a music video in 4k. i usually avoid it bc it slows my computer down and takes a lot longer (i also have to reconvert the youtube download to a different file type to get it to play in my kmplayer, it's a whole process) but i waited a few days after it came out because i originially didn't think i could color it when it premiered so i just didn't gif it. but i gave it a try anyway when i didn't feel so pressured and i really like how crisp they came out.

jungkook's bday set // i didn't have a plan for this when i started, but i searched a lot for inspo and finally found something i felt like i could make something with so i came up with this very barbie-esque rendition for jungkook that i'm still very fond of. i purposely didn't write happy birthday on it anywhere so it could be shared year-round. it's probably my fave set i made all year and everyone seemed to like it too!

jimin's bday set // this was originally just going to include songs from FACE, but i decided it didn't celebrate jimin's work as a whole if i didn't include all his solo songs/endeavors so it turned into a big monster. i like how it came out though!

standing next to you mv // this year i was introduced to HD master files, so instead of rushing to download a new mv from youtube and giffing it fast, i'd wait for a higher quality rip from apple music to show up online. the difference is quite astounding. i made gifs with master files for all three of jk's music videos this year (seven, 3D), but i like how this one turned out the best.

vmin comp // just felt like giffing my two favorite people before they left and needed to channel my sad emotions into something before seeing them seperate for so long. i included moments i've giffed before and ones i've never had the chance to gif. i could have made this post so much longer but forced myself to stop lol. i like the pink and blue colors in it a lot <3 i miss them so much

thank for all your support on my work this year! i have lots of (old) new stuff in my drafts to share in the new year so please keep your love coming x

i'm going to tag @userjiminie @userjungkook97 @btsiu and @cordiallyfuturedwight to do this if they'd like to!

[kittykat940]

Better men probably have already pointed this out years ago, but using Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon for a milkvan make out scene in s3 was too funny considering 1) the lyrics in general and 2) the fact that that song is featured in the 1987-set jukebox musical Rock of Ages (as well as the movie adaptation, but I like to pretend it doesn't exist) as a duet between two male characters, Lonny and Dennis, who were first business partners, then friends, and now are confessing their feelings for each other. One of them, Lonny, sings the first verse alone (the most vulnerable one), thus beginning the confession and giving Dennis assurance to begin the second verse and open up as well. Lonny even sings parts of the last few lines of the second verse, then Dennis and so forth during the the hook and the chorus.

I can't fight this feeling any longer And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow What started out as friendship has grown stronger I only wish I had the strength to let it show I tell myself that I can't hold out forever I said there is no reason for my fear 'Cause I feel so secure when we're together You give my life direction, you make everything so clear.

And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

Song from the musical here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfnZNPf6jsg

Again, these lyrics and their meaning have been analyzed more than a few times (light references, “cold dark” mentioned, fear...), but the interesting part is that in the original REO Speedwagon song, immediately after the chorus, there's another verse that could, maaaybe, be read as m¡lkvan:

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you I've been running 'round in circles in my mind And it always seems that I'm following you, girl 'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find.

…in a expositional way, I guess? This verse feels just like a factual summary of their time together.

Now, here's the catch: this is the only verse not used in the Rock of Ages version. This is only me speculating, but I even doubt it wasn't included in the musical just because of the “girl” line. So... what was the excuse in ST? Again, this is a song about repressing romantic love for a friend -if the writers only wanted the chorus of this song playing in the background to create an atmosphere that screams 'hormonal teenagers can't fight their urges' (ick), a) they should've picked another song -there are many about “first summer love” b) they should've played the verse mentioned above to directly allude to the ship they supposedly wanted the audience to root for.

What do you think?

omg anon i never noticed this thank you for telling me! i think the duffers just want us to not root for milkvan lol they have been building byler up and building millkvan down i need s5 now i want my byler endgame lol

[daisyknife]

crap that was supposed to be anon 💀 uhhhhhhh pretend my username isn't there on that last ask 😂

🤣🤣 it’s ok, thanks to this ask I genuinely managed to look away and not read your username! I took screenshots of it to be able to reply to it properly and never look at it again haha

Thank you so much for your message, it really brought me some much needed positivity ✨

Omg that sounds awesome! And you can’t be that bad at guitar if you were learning Cadence and Cascade 😉 how/when did you start playing guitar and piano?

I really should work on completing tons of lyrics for old songs lol, I have about 15 that I need to arrange and record and 15 that I need to finish writing 😅 It always takes me ages to write lyrics, but everything is slowing down a bit now because of the band and especially because the tendons in my left arm recently got inflamed 😫 basically I can’t play for a few weeks.

True, none of them could have realised that what they were doing would have literally changed the world of music forever, it must be a gigantic thing to process and get used to. Abbey Road is amazing! I remember listening to it obsessively in high school, it’s very close to my heart, especially Golden Slumbers. My favourite song on Revolver has got to be For No One, it’s hard to explain why but the writing alone carries such complex and intense emotions with no help from the pioneering arrangements The Beatles became known for from Revolver onwards, it’s almost disarmingly good. I also love the way the album starts, Taxman hits so hard and then immediately Eleonore Rigby, and then there’s so much energy on the second side beginning with Good Day Sunshine and ending with Got To Get You Into My Life and Tomorrow Never Knows… sorry I went on about it so much lol, I forgot just how much I love it and The Beatles, so thanks for reminding me hehe 🤩

I will definitely check out both Songs To A Seagull and Blue (also woah, I had no idea about the drama 👀👀)! Thank you for the recs 😊

Basically it’s the singer’s writing with the keyboard player being in charge of the arrangements and the result is rock with some prog moments. I couldn’t be more grateful with the opportunity I was given to join them! The next gigs are planned for the new year and as for my own material I’ve only ever performed it live a handful of times but if you’re interested I’m gonna do some shameless promo here and say I have a YouTube channel with some stuff, including an official video of my only single “Blood Bag, Mind Drag” (it used to be on Spotify and it’s not anymore… long, boring story lol). Do you write music? :) I was gonna ask if there is anything of yours online you would like me to check out but I realised mid-typing that your secret identity has been almost compromised once already! 🤣 still, after SRS24 is over I’d love to 😊 I was also thinking if you ever record a version of Cadence and Cascade if you’d like I’m up for putting vocals on it 👀. Only if you’re not doing it yourself of course and if you’re interested and like my voice😅 Sorry if all this is incredibly forwards, I just got so excited reading your message but feel free to tell me to chill

Also sorry this took me so long, it’s been a stressful few days, especially with my arm being useless :/ sending good vibes ✨🎄❄️🎅🏻

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hi S! Hope you had a wonderful holiday! 3 and 4 for the writer's asks please 😊

related to this

Hey, sweets! I had a pretty good holiday, I hope you had a good one, too!

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

Oh god, asking the hard questions, aren't we? Lmao

I would like to think that I learned that not always hitting goals is okay. I don't know if that's completely true, but... I'm trying, haha. As I won't shut up about, so you know, I've been chipping away at You Can('t) Teach An Old Dog New Tricks while also going to school full time. I quickly discovered that I did not have enough time to write to hit the deadlines I set for myself--posting a new chapter every week. Between fics, I had to take (much) more than a week so I could catch up with writing/editing, then slowly release the finished fic with new chapters each Friday. But, hey, people kept reading. People continue to read. People left comments and continue to find the previously finished fics and enjoy it. So, the world doesn't explode when I fail to meet the deadlines I give myself 💀

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

Mmm, if we're including ALL forms of media, then probably, this year--as in all my years of writing--it has to be music. I listen to music constantly. Sometimes, my fic ideas start from music. Depending on how I'm feeling when I go into a writing session, sometimes I use music to set my mood. I title lots of my fics with lyrics, regardless of if I was listening to that particular song while writing or planning the fic, lol.

So, yeah. Music. I think the playlist I was listening to the most this year is the playlist I created and titled "blasphemy" just a few months ago 💀💀

[ahunter8056]

20 Questions for fic writers

Tagged by @nights-like-this17 Thanks friend! This'll be interesting...

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

18...I should write more. Although 2 more fairly far along in the works, so...

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

436,606, wow! Honestly didn't expect it to be that high. Doesn't feel like I've really written many long fics

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Written for a few. Now mainly Doctor Who (8), used to be primarily WWE (11). I have also written a Last of Us/Doctor Who crossover series, so I've also written 3 fics for TLOU. I've also written a fic for She-Ra before. Also because I'm unoriginal, got a few more fandoms on my Ao3 dashboard which were just AUs featuring WWE characters set in a different universe, including Diablo II (1), Starcraft (1), Days Gone (1)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I'm Here (But You Can't See Me), I Don't Belong Right Here, You Only Feel My Ghost, You Put The Devil In Me, It's Getting Harder to Stay Awake and My Strength is Fading Fast

Wow, those fic titles sound depressing put together like that, lol. All except one of them are song lyrics tbf. Also, not the fics I would have guessed to be my top 5.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YES, absolutely! I feel like it's a virtual crime deserving of internet jail to not respond to comments.

I kid, but I seriously love interacting with people who took the time to not only read but comment on my writing. Honestly, it's the least I can do to thank them. And honestly, it's one of my biggest pet peeves on Ao3 when I see that an author doesn't respond to comments. Just comes across to me that they don't care, so why bother leaving a comment?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

To me, "angst" and "ending" don't belong in the same sentence. I feel like all endings should be happy, to make it a satisfying conclusion. I know I've read fics before that have ended on an angsty note, and felt disappointed in that. So I could never write an angsty ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Honestly, I can't say for sure which is the happiest. I feel like the epilogue chapter I wrote for A Hero'll Save Me (Just in Time) is packed full of fluff and ends on a highly optimistic note, but I always knew I'd be making more content in that universe, so it doesn't feel like an ending to me. Other possible answers include It's Getting Harder to Stay Awake and My Strength is Fading Fast, but due to that fic's focus on depression, maybe that nullifies the ending's happy note?

So those two aside, I might have to give it to either I'm Here (But You Can't See Me) or You Only Feel my Ghost.

8. Do you get hate on any fics?

Readers are usually pretty cool, I like the whole "say something nice or don't say anything" vibe that Ao3 has. Not much, but I have had some negative comments. One which compared my "cheap" writing to a gloryhole (super weird comparison). And then I had someone leave multiple comments on a fic which were both positive and rudely critical, criticising my creative decisions in an already finished fic (while explaining where they felt I should have chosen the setting of my fic to be) and really nitpicking odd little details of little to no consequence. That one was just super weird to me, trying to dictate every little thing about my own fic, as if it belonged to them too.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No, I don't think writing smut will ever be for me, I'd just feel too self-conscious about how other people would react to it. I have written some brief allusions to before/after smut, but nothing that goes into enough detail to classify as smut.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Oh, absolutely! When I first started writing fics, most of them were crossovers, lol. I just love putting characters in different universes. As previously mentioned, I wrote a TLOU/Doctor Who crossover series, where the Doctor arrived on a parallel universe Earth. That was fun, but also seems credible. I've also written the Four Horsewomen in the universes of Starcraft, Diablo, and Days Gone. But given I wrote them as natural denizens of those universes, didn't really seem too crazy to me. Maybe Days Gone might be the craziest though, it's been a blast writing Biker Sasha Banks killing zombies and surviving so well post-apocalypse.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not, lol. But I guess if I did find out one of my fics were stolen, I'd be simultaneously pissed, but also sorta proud that somebody felt my fic was worth being stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I've currently got A Hero'll Save Me (Just in Time) Season 2 in the works, co-writing with the brilliant @literaturelocker

But also, although it's currently on hiatus, I have been co-writing Why We Keep Going with another friend of mine (who I don't believe is on Tumblr)

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Honestly, it's a toss-up between Thasmin (Thirteenth Doctor/Yaz) and Baysha (Bayley/Sasha). Bayley and Sasha are so cute together, both on-screen (I hope not for the last time!) and off-screen. And for Thirteen/Yaz, both characters are amazing and so loveable. There was so much potential never fully realised on-screen, that makes for a magnificent array of fics, both fix-its and AUs. Not to mention how close the two actors are, which always helps me get invested.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Honestly, Why We Keep Going. There's so much plot we plan to cover, and writing has unfortunately come to a complete stop for several months now, beyond my control. Maybe one day we'll be able to finish it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Me? Strengths? LOL

All kidding aside, I find it so hard to think of anything I'd say is my strength. But for the purpose of this, I'll really try to.

I think I'd say that a strength of mine is writing for characters/canon which I'm fond of. I always strive to do them justice. A Hero'll Save Me (Just in Time) for instance, I felt worked so well because it combined two of my biggest interests (Four Horsewomen and Doctor Who), so I was really invested and passionate in making that the greatest fic I'd ever written.

And then for the second fic in my TLOU/Doctor Who series, Not Broken Beyond Repair, half of that was adapting the Jackson Dance cutscene from TLOU 2, which I can say I'm honestly still super proud of. The amount of times I watched and rewatched every single second of that cutscene to make sure I got down every single detail though...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Oh, so many! But I'll keep this short, lol

I definitely feel like I struggle with dialogue, always too simplistic and I never know what to make the characters say other than what is needed to move the plot along. I also feel like I reuse dialogue from canon far too much, so it feels like less of a homage, and more lazy. I just can't help it.

And then action as well, I don't think I'm too good that that either. Similarly to dialogue, I think I'm quite limited in my descriptions.

I also think that as a writer, I'm not really all that creative. I feel like too many of my fics are based on a pre-established story, as opposed to being clever and creative enough to come up with something brand new.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue language in fic?

...am I stupid? I genuinely don't understand what this question means?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Doctor Who! Years before I discovered Ao3, I wrote a one-off adventure featuring the Twelfth Doctor bumping into Amy Pond. I published on FanFiction.net and a couple of Doctor Who fanfic sites I found though googling. I've since uploaded it to Ao3.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh, easily by far A Hero'll Save Me (Just in Time). That fic will always be my baby, the one I put the most work and love into. I was really determined to make the most of that one, and I think it'll always be the fic I'm proudest of. And now, 2 sequels currently being written (and quite far along) to further expand the universe, yay!

This was fun and introspective to say the least, always find it interesting to share my thoughts with anybody who decided to follow me.

Tagging @literaturelocker

[alltimefail-sims]

random question but erwin gives Lana stan vibes and same lolz but then i wondered what music your characters from strangerville story all listen to?

First off I am so happy to answer this question for you!! Thank you for asking! I love love love music and love this question!

That being said, before I begin I want you to know that I'm so sorry to burst a personal headcanon you've made about my version of Erwin Pries...but he has probably never heard a Lana Del Rey song in his entire life lmfao (I'm assuming that's who you're talking about). But Erwin is an EA premade, so if your Erwin is a Lana Del Rey stan I love that for you and that's valid!!! My Erwin just isn't haha (but his sister Maggie would like her music!) Anyway!!!

Very long response below the cut! ↓

Erwin mostly listens to older music: he loves music from the 60s, 70s, and 80s and listens to everything on vinyl or cassette (he is very passionate about the preservation of physical media, he is the Paranoid ass king after all). His favorites are Fleetwood Mac, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Queen, David Bowie, Abba, Neil Diamond, Jim Croce, Billy Joel, John Denver, James Taylor, Elton John, The Mamas and Papas, Johnny Cash, and so on. He also has a not-so-secret love for musicals and claims that the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack is one of the best pieces of composition to ever exist (he also likes Godspell, Rent, Xanadu, and many more) Get him drunk enough and he will talk about how Mamma Mia is "Literally a transcendent work of art with whimsy and heartbreak and joy and a tender ass storyline at the heart that quite literally fucks so hard. Fucking Meryl Streep. Fuck!" Direct quote. That man hardly listens to anything post-1990, with the exception of "Queen Florence Welch" (Florence and the Machine).

Zoe appreciates all kinds of music, but has a deep love for the soul music that she heard around the house growing up. She likes music with feeling and depth, and the lyrics are most important to her but if the song isn't deep, it better have a good beat that she can dance to! Her personal favorite artists include Otis Reading, Stevie Wonder, Sam Cooke, Dionne Warwick, Beyoncé, Alicia Keys, Rhianna, Lauryn Hill, The Temptations, Roberta Flack, Janelle Monáe, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, and so on!

Beckett's looks deceive him because he loves pop music. He is listening to the current hits, think Billboard 100s exclusively lol. He might have listened to a few rock or rap songs to get "pumped up" back in his football days, but for the most part he is always listening to pop - he even likes boybands, but won't willingly admit that lmao. He's a Swiftie through and through, and he will fight for her honor on any Twitter thread or in-person discussion. He also has a love for 90s and early 2000s country artists like Shania Twain, Alison Krauss, Lee Ann Womack, and The Dixie Chicks (now The Chicks) because of cleanin' and cookin' Sundays with his momma <3

Junia doesn't care about music that much! She doesn't have any favorite artists, she's never even bought a CD and probably couldn't tell you 5 bands or artists off the top of her head. She's one of those people who will listen to anything that "has a good beat" while she's working out, and it doesn't even have to have words. She's listening to music more for background noise as opposed to being passionate about it or seeking it out.

Anwar listens to alternative music mostly! Bands like the 1975, The Strokes, Paramore, The Clash, Fall Out Boy, Arctic Monkeys, The Black Keys, The Neighborhood, and so on. He definitely went through a pop-punk, Hot Topic, combo of emo and scene phase in his teen years in the 2000s. (Iykyk, if you don't... look it up lmao. It was a time to be alive.) If they could play at Warped Tour, he listens to them lmao. But he's cool with most pop or radio music, he's not like a music snob or anything.

Tashia listens to pretty much everything, but she also loves metal music. Idk if you've seen the Pixar/Disney movie "Monster's University" but there's a scene in there where the mom of one of the main characters drops them off at Monsters Inc. and she's like "I'll just be listening to my tunes until you get back" in like the sweetest voice and then as she's rolling up the windows you can hear metal music blasting through the speakers and she's just like... calmly vibing like she's listening to elevator music or smooth jazz lmfao. It's very funny. That's how I imagine Tashia's music taste to be and it concerns everyone around her <3

[prongsandhisfoot]

i was reminded today that i once made a playlist of songs related to prongsfoot in some way and i don’t think i’ve ever actually?? listened to it, but i’m going to listen to it for the first time! and try to remember my reasoning...

1. keep away - lou reed

i genuinely don’t remember this song. may 6, 2022...yeah, no recollection. my best guess is i was reading pioneers for the second or third time and made some parallels with the lyrics. reading the lyrics now, i kind of see it? in a more ironic/lying way...i’ll probably delete it, though it’s a very fun song tbh, so i’m glad i re-listened to it! 

2. thick as thieves - the jam

this one is pretty obvious. i could just copy and paste the whole song lol, but that’s a little too much, so i’ll just paste the first few verses! second half is just as prongsfoot-y though. for similarly clear reasons.

Times were so tough, but not as tough as they are now We were so close and nothing came between us, and the world No personal situations Thick as thieves us, we'd stick together for all time And we meant it but it turns out just for a while We stole, the friendship that bound us together

We stole from the schools and their libraries We stole from the drugs that sent us to sleep We stole from the drink that made us sick We stole anything that we couldn't keep And it was enough, we didn't have to spoil anything And always be as thick as thieves

Like a perfect stranger, you came into my life Then like the perfect lone ranger, you rode away, rode away Rode away, rode away

3. pale blue eyes - vu

i genuinely annotated a copy of this song in the book i have of lou reed’s lyrics from the perspective of prongsfoot. something was wrong with me but also, i was right. this one is a bit (lot) more metaphorical than #2, hence my annotations lol, so i’ll just paste the most obvious bit:

It was good what we did yesterday And I’d do it once again The fact that you are married Only proves you’re my best friend But it's truly, truly a sin

as for the eponymous “linger on, your pale blue eyes,” i wrote in the book that it represents sirius losing his memories of james while in azkaban--aka him lingering on james while alone for a decade lol, and his memories of james changing. according to what i wrote, “pale” represents how he’s losing his memories (i.e. they’re losing color; paling) and “blue eyes” represents the same exact thing--or more specifically, how he’s remembering incorrectly, since james’s eyes are hazel (and sirius’s are grey). this is so funny and terrible

edit: i almost forgot the other pretty clear verse??

Thought of you as my mountaintop Thought of you as my peak Thought of you as everything I've had, but couldn't keep I've had, but couldn't keep

4. i’m sticking with you - vu

another fairly very obvious one (this song is literally james and sirius in the levicorpus flashback scene lmao). the clearest parts:

Anything that you might do I'm gonna do too

and then

But with you by my side I can do anything When we swing We hang past right and wrong

I'll do anything for you Anything you want me to

5. red right ankle - the decembrists

this one is literally since a prongsfoot fic i have bookmarked is named after this song and inspired by it lmaoo

here’s the first two verses:

This is the story of your red right ankle And how it came to meet your leg And how the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled And how the skin was softly shed

And how it whispered, "Oh, adhere to me For we are bound by symmetry And whatever differences our lives have been We together make a limb" This is the story of your red right ankle

“oh, adhere to me // for we are bound by symmetry / and whatever differences out lives have been // we together make a limb” tbh that’s all i care to include, the rest is just for context lol.

adhere to me <-> i’m sticking with you lmaooo

6. black and gold - sam sparro

this is the most cringy of them all. i promise it’s not just because of the title that this is here. it’s still cringy either way but still. tbh someone needs to give this to the jegulus fandom they’d eat it up. the “black and gold” at the very least

'Cause if you're not really here Then the stars don't even matter Now I'm filled to the top with fear That it's all just a bunch of matter

Cause if you're not really here I don't want to be either I wanna be next to you Black and gold, black and gold, black and gold

also this part, which this fic comes from. (it’s not exactly a favorite fic of mine but it is a readable prongsfoot fic, which is rare enough for me to call a fic with a “misunderstandings” plot readable)

I look up into the night sky And see a thousand eyes staring back And all around these golden beacons I see nothing but black

7. barracuda - john cale

tbh i could explain every line & verse as prongsfoot-y but some are less obvious and some are more obvious so i’ll just do what i’ve been doing and paste the most obvious lol

Barracuda, barracuda Won't you lay down your life to me? Won't you love me barracuda? If you always need to bring out the worst in me

and then, of course

The ocean will have us all The ocean will have us all

and finally (think of this in reference to poa lol)

Dead forest with the moon arising Smiling at you out of reach

8. supplier! - crisaunt

this is...not exactly my type of song?? to be honest i don’t even know the prongsfoot reference but i do remember adding it...i just don’t have a clue why

9. what’s good (the thesis) - lou reed

this is what made me remember this playlist!

Life's like a mayonnaise soda And life's like space without room And life's like bacon and ice cream That's what life's like without you

Life's like forever becoming But life's forever dealing in hurt Now life's like death without living That's what life's like without you

and then

What's good is life without living What good's this lion that barks You loved a life others throw away nightly It's not fair, not fair at all

pretty simple!

the verdict: i’m taking off keep away, black and gold, and supplier. now it’s a 6-song, 22 minute playlist, lol. i doubt anyone’s read this far but if you have--suggestions?

[nightowlfury]

just gonna document some of the themes my brain latched onto in the thk playlist bc i have nothing better to do👍

i didnt listen to all the songs bc i dont like some of the mainstream pop stuff but i looked at most of the lyrics and this is what my brain's noticed at least. could be reading into things too much bc i love to do that but shrug. if it turns out to have relevance thatd b cool.

also i left out the betrayal/heartbreak/"love as a game" metaphor stuff bc like. that's pretty obvious and i don't care to focus on it lol. additionally, i found a few of the thai songs' translations, but others im not sure about so those aren't included obviously

Jealousy

Relevant lyrics:

That Thing You Do! by The Wonders

- "'cause it hurts me so just to see you go / around with someone new"

ขี้หึง by Silly Fools (translation)

the whole song basically, it's literally called 'jealous' - "smile at me, i'm just a little jealous, just waiting for love" - "and i don't distrust you, my heart's anxious if anyone looks at you" - "(i'm like this) i'm like this with love, but i might be too jealous" - "if anyone makes my heart unsure, would you feel jealous and envious too?"

Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA

- "i wasn't jealous before we met / now, every woman i see is a potential threat" - "don't go sharing your devotion"

Marriage [likely not thematically relevant]

Relevant lyrics:

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "let's...find some models for wives" - "the models will have children, we'll get a divorce / we'll find some more models, everything must run its course"

You're Gonna Live Forever in Me by John Mayer

- "and when the pastor asks the pews / for reasons he can't marry you / i'll keep my word in my seat"

You Never Can Tell by Chuck Berry

THIS SONG WAS USED IN THE PULP FICTION DANCE so i dont think its relevant outside of that anymore - "it was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well" - "and now the young monsieur and madame have rung the chapel bell" - "it was there where pierre was wedded to the lovely mademoiselle"

Escape/starting over

Relevant lyrics:

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "i'll move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars" - "love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew"

California - Tchad Blake Mix by Phantom Planet

- "right back where we started from" - "we've been on the run, driving in the sun"

This Love by Maroon 5

- "whispered goodbye as she got on a plane / never to return again"

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "we'll run away together / we'll spend some time forever / we'll never feel bad anymore"

Smooth (feat. Rob Thomas) by Santana

- "and if you say, 'this life ain't good enough' / i'd give you my world to lift you up / i could change my life to better suit your mood"

Agency/control (lack of)

Drive by Incubus

- "and i, i can't help but ask myself / how much i'll let the fear take the wheel and steer / it's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague / haunting mass appeal / but lately, i'm beginning to find that i / should be the one behind the wheel" - "so if i decide to waiver my / chance to be one of the hive"

Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve

- "i'll take you down the only road i've ever been down" - "no change, i can change, i can change, i can change / but i'm here in my mould, i am here in my mould" -> "i can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no" - "i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah" - "(i just can't change my violence, melody, and violence...)" (? not 100% sure these are accurate lyrics, but i think they're right)

You Don't Own Me by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

this whole song pretty much - "you don't own me / i'm not just one of your many toys" - "and don't tell me what to do / don't tell me what to say" - "don't try to change me in any way" - "don't tie me down 'cause i'll never stay" - "i don't tell you what to say / i don't tell you what to do / so just let me be myself" - "i'm free and i love to be free / to live my life the way i want / to say and do whatever i please"

This Love by Maroon 5

- "the chaos that controlled my mind" - "and i have no choice, 'cause i won't say goodbye anymore"

Crazy by Aerosmith

- "that kinda loving turns a man to a slave"

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "and it makes me feel so fine / i can't control my brain"

The past/memory

Relevant lyrics:

คนของเธอ by Maew Jirasak (translation)

- "you don't need to ask me about the past" - "but i have past mistakes" - "i don't want you to ask, it doesn't concern us / it's not a memory of us" - "we still can't return to yesterday, and we still don't know tomorrow" - "regardless of who you used to be or what has happened" - "there's no need to ask me about the past"

ยังไงก็รักเธอ by Chat Chaichat (translation)

- "screw the past, forget it, it's not worth remembering" - "don't get upset, screw whoever says anything, pretty soon you won't remember"

ขอบใจจริง ๆ by Y not 7 (translation)

- "in the end, we separated / and left behind only memories" - "make me remember my costly* lesson" (*translation said 'expensive', but i think this might be what's being implied)

Island In The Sun by Weezer

- "you don't need no memory / just a place to call your own"

Time to Pretend by MGMT

- "love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew"

Specific character connections:

Bison

he's the one i made the most connections to, maybe bc they're the most blatant or maybe bc i just am just bound to pay attention to him. the theme that i think connects to him most is agency/control. i also have a suspicion the jealousy theme is related to him as well, but there's not really any evidence of that as of yet.

with the agency and control, it's pretty clear already that this is one of bison's main struggles in life. he desperately wants to live his own life and feels pressure from both his brother and his mother, but also from his own nature/life circumstance ("mould"). i personally think Bitter Sweet Symphony in the playlist probably directly relates to bison based on the things i've noticed:

"the only road i've ever been down" -> references how bison's life is reduced to and has never strayed from its singular path/purpose (one which was forced on him and he didn't have the power to change)

"no change, i can change, i can change, i can change / but i'm here in my mould, i am here in my mould" -> references bison's struggles with wanting a new life (change) but not being able to achieve it, especially with regards to the fact that he's been 'moulded' into who he is. nevertheless, he believes in the possibility ("i can change")

"but i'm a million different people from one day to the next" -> maybe a bit of a stretch, but this line made me think about bison's interview, where he talks about trying "a hundred" different professions. the line fits well with the idea that bison has to constantly be "different people" in his er, line of work

"i can't change my mould" -> juxtaposition with earlier "i can change", indicating that while bison wants to change his life, he'll never be able to change where he comes from

"well, i've never prayed, but tonight i'm on my knees" -> heavy, heavy religious symbolism with bison which we have already seen oodles of, so it's not much of a stretch to connect this lyric to him. it's interesting to me though, because the line is "i've never prayed", while from the imagery we've seen it would imply that bison is (and has been) religious. i don't know if it's this deep, but maybe it's something like bison being raised religious but not fully believing it/having some sort of resentment of it. but im probably just reading into it too much there. interesting to think about though

"i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me" -> is it a stretch to connect this line to bison's penchant for pain play? probably but that's where my mind goes nevertheless

"but the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now" -> makes me think of kant's inevitable betrayal and how that's going to leave bison. but i dont think that's actually intentionally related, just my own thoughts

"(i just can't change my violence, melody, and violence)" -> well, "can't change my violence" is pretty obvious, because yeah, part of bison's struggle is that he can't change the violence he carries with him, even if he manages to change his life he can't change his past, his mould, his 'violence'

some of these lyrics could also apply to fadel, but i think his attitude about it is much different from bison's and this song paints a picture that fits bison's perspective much more — at least for the moment.

i think You Don't Own Me could also be related to bison, but i'm not sure if it's supposed to just be related to bison. but i'll focus on him for the moment. the whole song is about a lack of agency and control, which we know bison is frustrated by. the rejection of being controlled that's central to the song reminds me a lot of bison's rebellious attitude. what i'm not sure about is who the song might be implying is trying to control him — his mother, maybe? fadel? kant, even? all three of them? i'm interested to see how things develop with lilly (fadel + bison's mother), what their relationship actually looks like. so far i havent noticed anything particularly resentful in bison's attitude toward her, but then again she hasn't actually shown up in the show yet, and bison's been sort of dismissive when she's brought up (e.g. khun mae comment from kant). he seems to defer to fadel in terms of communication with her — he wants fadel to ask her for things on his behalf, so i have a feeling he's not got the best relationship with her.

i think Drive by Incubus could have elements relating to bison, because that song focuses a lot on agency. e.g. "i should be the one behind the wheel" could very well apply to him. however, i think the 'fear taking the wheel' thing doesn't necessarily fit him, so...

Kant

like...i don't really know why i first thought of kant when i heard Drive. maybe bc of the stills of him in his car or smth. but now my brain Associates the song with him — maybe it makes sense, maybe not, but here's my thoughts anyway

i honestly rly like the song bc of the 'driving' metaphor. it's about motivations, what's driving you. in this case, it's fear. i do think this is super relevant to kant. he also struggles with agency, in a similar way that bison does — his past ties him down. he's being used as a tool by someone with power over him. but for him, fear is a much more defining factor of this relationship. while bison might hold a bit of fear, it's not what's driving him.

kant is being driven by fear. specifically, fear of being taken away from his brother, who needs him. their parents are dead, babe doesn't have anyone else to lean on. the captain threatens kant with jail time if he doesn't cooperate, and that would ruin babe's life. so kant has to do what he says even if there's "technically" a choice

so one of kant's main struggles is the fear that 'takes the wheel and steers'. the line "it's driven me before" could relate to the past job(s) he was coerced into by the captain, or even perhaps something else in his past (can't help but wonder why he would steal that car initially — surely he's not the kind of person to do that without a reason?)

"but lately, i'm beginning to find that i / should be the one behind the wheel" -> perhaps this could connect to the inevitable change kant will go through, when somehow he decides that he can't work for the captain anymore, that he needs to be in charge of his own life. i don't pretend to know how that will play out, but it's a thought.

(also, didn't notice until just now but the line "i feel the fear of / uncertainty stinging clear" is rly cool given the name of kant's tattoo studio (inksting) and his back tattoo (beware my sting))

something that doesn't immediately connect to kant about this song in my mind are the lyrics that relate to mass opinion. but i'll get into that in a bit, i'll finish with my kant thoughts first.

there are songs about the past/relationships too that i think apply to kant, e.g. คนของเธอ by Maew Jirasak:

i think marriage is also related to kant but isnt necessarily a full theme from the playlist. kant specifically for obvious reasons (mystery wife listed on his info sheet). Time to Pretend mentions wives and even children and divorce, although i'm not entirely convinced that isn't a coincidence given the rest of the song is pretty applicable to other themes. additionally, You're Gonna Live Forever mentions a wedding, but i can't quite make sense of that one since it seems to imply a person is in love with someone who's actively getting married to someone else. but maybe im taking that too literally. You Never Can Tell is specifically about a wedding so i was suspicious, but i recently found out it was the song used in the pulp fiction dance they imitated in ep 2. so...idk. maybe kants wife was a typo. my one fear

- "you don't need to ask me about the past / you don't have to tell me who you used to be with / if i get careless and happen to ask you / you don't have to answer me" - "i don't want you to ask, it doesn't concern us / it's not a memory of us" - "regardless of who you used to be or what has happened / don't be worried, this is your someone"

i think this could relate to kant's past and his current (or future, i guess) relationship with bison. there's also ยังไงก็รักเธอ by Chat Chaichat which i think could perhaps relate to the same event/circumstance. my mind is sort of pinning these past/memory themes to kant specifially because of the unknowns, probably, but i do think his past is much more important than we know right now. so i suppose we'll see.

kant could connect to other songs too, e.g. You Don't Own Me with regards to the captain, but i'm less inclined to focus on those because i think they relate to other characters more. i don't have many specific things to say about it, but i will mention that i think the jealousy theme might relate to kant. im not quite sure how though (his wife showing back up???¿), so im just going to wait and see with that one.

Fadel

ok now, remember that thing about Drive having lyrics relating to mass opinion? in my mind, i think that might relate to fadel a little. we've already seen in just two episodes (but mainly this last one) that he is very conscious of public opinion and perception. he has to be, really, with his profession and everything, but he's much more concerned about it than carefree bison. that's why i think these lyrics might relate to him:

"it seems to have a vague / haunting mass appeal"

"so if i decide to waiver my / chance to be one of the hive"

"and it seems to be the way / that everyone else gets around"

in a way, fadel is somewhat driven by fear, like kant. i think he's less conscious of it, maybe, and it's coupled with other motivations, but fadel is afraid. of slipping up, of not being able to protect bison, of disappointing their mother maybe, etc. fadel's fear drives him to put extra effort into 'laying low' — we saw it when he scolded bison for wearing bright colors, and it's pretty obvious after the second episode: he's polite with strangers at the market, is frustrated when attention is drawn to him, etc. so i think public opinion is something that is very much at the forefront of fadel's mind, which is why this part of Drive reminds me of him.

the agency/control themes also apply to fadel bc of his shared situation with bison. i don't have much to say other than that, but it's interesting to me how central this theme is to the story as a whole.

i think the escape/starting over themes could relate to pretty much any/all of the characters, but bison and fadel specifically given their life situations. bison's more motivated to pursue that escape, but i think fadel very much craves it as well. and kant too, even, wants to escape his past, has done his best to do so but can't seem to fully succeed. i hope they all do eventually 💪

Dunk

dunk confuses me. i feel like i know the least about him, which is maybe true given we have some idea of the backstories of the three other characters. but dunk is like... an enigma to me. i have 0 clue what his past is like, so i can't necessarily connect him to these themes atm.

but it's interesting to me, because he very much seems like the odd one out in comparison to the other characters. from what we've seen so far, dunk has the most agency out of any of them. kant's being a bit deceptive/manipulative with him, sure, but he still willingly made the choice to pursue fadel for his own benefit, and could logically call the deal off at any point.

he works under his father at the auto shop, but we don't really know much about that. i suppose you might be able to connect that to the themes somewhat — his dad tells him not to listen to music, tries to exert this (light) form of control over him, and dunk takes no heed of it. he does what he wants. it juxtaposes fadel a lot, who holds himself back at every turn. dunk's using his prolific agency to taunt fadel, who has none. interesting flirtation strategy there. but it's very interesting.

that's the only theme here that i can imagine connecting to him at the moment — the same agency that's represented in the other characters, but flipped on its head. if bison, fadel, and kant represent a lack of agency, dunk represents an abundance of it. at least so far. which i do think will play a part in his er, wooing of fadel, who craves that agency even if he pretends not to.

we'll see. idk. atm dunk feels a lot more two-dimensional than the other characters so i hope he gets a little more development.

overall very intrigued by the themes in the playlist and how they (will) bleed through in the show. also curious about which songs are actually gonna be in the show diegetically/non-diegetically (though so far สุดสุดไปเลย and คิดอะไรอยู่ have been diegetic, so i expect we'll see more of that)

[youremychaos]

Harrow, my love…it’s been a while hasn’t it? Life has been crazy these last few months, and I completely missed your update. However, I am here now and ready to dig in!!

First of all I completely forgot that Jimin woke up in Yoongi’s pov (had to backtrack a little lol)…which threw me for a whole ass loop when I started reading this ‘cause what do you mean JIMIN?! The way my heart stopped and I wiggled in my seat. My baby has come the fuck home!!

How dare you throw Haegeum!Yoongi in my face like this…that man has me in a chokehold that I don’t wanna be let out of. The image of Taehyung wearing a balaclavas does something to my core…those eyes just peeking out…yeah, sir whatever you want, you can have it.

Okay the build up of Yoongi coming up to see MC is crazy, my vibrating in my seat! I want them to link up again already!!! Joon too, that man needs a good hug. 

The main character has arrived!!! Yoooooonnnngggiiiiii…what an entrance my guy! Stroll in with a pair of bloody chopsticks and a simple, “Darling”...what a charmer.

You would be amused by the visual of Yoongi leaping onto him like a kitten if the situation were not so infuriating.

This right here? Yummy and funny. I like your visual even though I’ve seen it with my own eyes from the mv.

Coming up to the end of the first half, I know Yoongi is feeling all types of kicked sideways. Bringing Jimin is a huge gamble and kind of manipulative all things considered. If anyone could bring MC back it would be Jimin but I don’t think he would push for her to join them again. I feel that Jimin more than anyone can understand where MC is coming from and her mixed emotions about everything that has taken place so far. It seems that Yoongi knew his gamble might not work and has something else up his sleeve. He isn’t the type to just leave so willingly. 

MC comparing Yoongi and Ryujin hurts. I can see what she means but damn does it hurt to admit it. After all is said and done, Yoongi is a shady ass dude with a shaky track record in love. The way he goes about things aren’t always clear and are often very infuriating. So, I can see why MC is reluctant to go back. The song lyric “How deep is your love?” comes to mind when I think of the trio together. Namjoon and Yoongi would kill for MC and if push comes to shove, I think she could do the same but she would feel bad about it whereas Namgi just keep it pushing like it didn’t happen. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this but I shall read more to see what’s going on.

Harrow, you play dirty! ATEEZ as bodyguards?! How am I going to survive this fic, huh?! You’ve pulled so many of my favorite idols into this universe that I don’t know who to drool over…it is unfair! But I will say, ATEEZ do fit the vibe, so good choice!

“Not so fast,” she says, causing you to chuckle despite yourself. “You always roll away. Snore in my face for once.”

Affronted, you attempt to wiggle out of her hold, surprised by how strong she is as she holds you in place. “I do not snore.”

Hwasa rolls her eyes, says, “Everyone snores a little,” and wiggles closer as her hold on you loosens—so close your noses nearly touch.

I love that you can include such innocent and cute scenes in between the death, sorrow and destruction. 

Jimin is alive and well, the way I was tearing up as they hugged. But started giggling right after seeing how Ryujin and Hwasa left MC to be stuck in between Yoongi and Namjoon. What good friends they are lol

The one on one talk went a lot better than I thought it would. MC needed to let those tears out with Yoongi and I’m more at ease that he is willing to wait for her mental health to get better. Healing takes time and having him/the guys not push for her to come home too soon means a lot. Goodbyes and hellos are hard, but the way you pulled apart each interaction was wonderful, the tension between Jungkook and MC is still there which I love. I tend to forget that they have their own thing going on at times because I get so wrapped up in Namgi/MC.

There is a subtle shift in the family dynamics or I could just be reading too much into it but with Seokjin’s bullshit out in the open, it seems to me that everyone is a little more relaxed. Not as on edge with being alive. 

Oh shit…things are bout to take a turn for the worst right? Now that I’m thinking about it, does Hwasa know what Christian looks like? Does Ryujin? And if so…would she give MC easily or put up a fight? Ryujin is asking waaaayyyy too many questions about MC's relationship with the family men and Hwasa is giving up too much information...I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I am starting to not trust Ryujin again. Her dinner speech had me on edge, like it was a backhanded request almost…kind of on the lines of “we’ll be cool once i’m back in my rightful place”. I could be wrong but idk, that’s the feeling I got. I’m not trusting Ryujin at all right now! What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? I swear if she was/is messing around with Christian, I’ll scream!

I mean it is possible she could have a relationship with Hwasa but I doubt that. I think it would be with someone that holds more power. Ryujin is starting to show her ass and I’m not a fan. If you were married/dating whatever with Yoongi in the past, keep that shit to yourself! Telling MC that nothing has changed or that you were the same as her…that’s just evil. Planting seeds of doubt when there really doesn’t need to be any….but if I want to play devil’s advocate, if Yoongi does truly feel something for MC he should treat her differently than how he treated Ryujin. On the other hand, he has an image to uphold, so certain styles are expected as the woman of the house.

I hope Yoongi puts a fucking bullet in Ryujin’s skull, right between her eyes! This slimy two-faced bitch! Harmless my ass! I want to reach through the screen and punch Ryujin myself! Damnit, I am so pissed off. You know MC’s history or at least a little with Christian. She knows MC wants nothing to do with him and once Yoongi finds out all bets are off. There is no respect or trust to be gained. Whatever good could have come with working together will be shot to shit cause it will be an all out war over MC.

I’m trying to think of what chapter it was but there was a part where either Yoongi or MC was trying to figure out how Christian got so much power. I know that Seokjin was a part of it but could Ryujin be too? Is there more to Seokjin that still hasn’t been uncovered yet? Once again this man is on my shit list. He knows more than he is willing to tell and Ryujin is on some kind of other shit that will backfire for sure.

Once again, I am left at the end of the chapter with so many theories and questions. I love that every character is so freaking two-faced. I never know what to expect. I'm excited to see what you whip up next and I'm prepared to scream about it. At some point I'll scream in your dms when I get the chance.

I love you and your mind!!!

Collateral 🗡️ 23: This life of death and destruction

Your ex-boyfriend gets in over his head working for the local mafia, and Boss Min has come to collect his payment: You.

But was it simply a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or has he always had his sights on you?

🗡️ Yoongi x Female Reader x Namjoon

🗡️ word count: 13.6k

🗡️ mafia au, strangers to lovers, graphic violence, major character injury, poly, smut, angst, fluff, nsfw, explicit 21+ 

🗡️warnings: violence (a man gets stabbed in the eye, weaponized chopsticks, blood); recreational drug use & getting drunk; vomit.

🗡️note: are we ready to continue this story??? the cast of characters has doubled in size, and i think the angst & drama has multiplied, as well. i wrote this opening scene on april 20, 2023 moments after watching the Haegeum mv. it feels good to have finally built the rest of the chapter around it over a year later. this chapter is like 80% dialogue, lol sorry. we are setting up for what is to come in the rest of the fic. enjoyyy!!!

🗡️ also note: in this chapter, mc is borrowing clothing. if you are comfortable with imagining the clothing belongs to the thin kpop idols, please do. if you are not, then please don't. i am not making assumptions or allusions to body size but instead trying to paint a picture of being at the mercy of others.

🗡️ if you have not read the Yoongi POV chapter, i strongly recommend you do so before reading this.

🗡️ beta read by @neoneunnajimin

🗡️ posted sept. 2024 | read on ao3

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“He looks hesitant,” Ryujin drawls in a bored tone. She turns to face you and her lips upturn at the edges, eyes sparkling. “Like he’s scared of what he may find when he gets here.”

The air is stiflingly hot, creating a sticky film over your skin, and your body feels heavier than it should. In this humidity, you are dizzy and agitated. More than anything, you are not ready to come face to face with the man who has caused you so much confusion and mental duress.

“Good,” you say, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. Your fingers dig into your hip bones, and you do your best not to shuffle anxiously. You do not fully believe in your conviction, but you want your performance to be believable enough that the girls don't think you're weak. “He should be.”

“Looks like he brought all the family men,” she adds, turned back to watch their approach. 

Your heart flutters suddenly, wondering whether she means Jimin is there too, unable to hide the tremble in your voice as you ask, “A-all of them?”

This time, when Ryujin faces you, her expression appears contemplative, almost sad. 

“All of them,” she confirms, causing nausea and excitement to stir. 

All you can say in response is, “Oh.”

Before you can stop yourself, your feet are carrying you forward, toward the window. You do not fully approach, not wanting to be seen, so you stop as soon as you spot them walking in the street toward the noodle shop downstairs that doubles as your hideout. 

Seven figures approach in a V formation. Six of them wear ratty dark t-shirts and khaki pants, and they hold what look like juvenile weaponry—baseball bats and chains. Over their heads are balaclavas, reminding you of Christian's men. Is it meant to taunt him, you wonder. Do they think they will find him and his men here?

Yoongi is in the center, leading the charge, with no face covering and wearing a baby blue satin bomber jacket with thick white lines down the sleeves. On the breasts of the jacket are embroidered dragon heads, reminding you of Namjoon. 

Namjoon. The thought of seeing him again, like this, makes your insides stir. You feel the urge to vomit, but you hold your ground and watch as the men approach, wearing a frown on your lips. 

When the heads disappear from sight, you turn and listen for the silence that lingers in the air, save for the thrum of your pulse. A calm before a terrible storm.

Ryujin lets out a long, loud trill of a whistle—a signal, no doubt—and you listen as the 

hideout breaks out into chaos. Men scramble through the short hallway that leads out into the open space that Yoongi and his men will soon enter. 

"No guns!" Ryujin commands as she stomps through the space toward the hallway, clad in a white tank top tucked into a short black tennis skirt and tall leather equestrian boots. "You are on the defense only. Do not harm a single hair on any of these men's bodies. Do so and you die!"

As you stand near the window, you listen to the street commotion below. Vehicles drive along the narrow roads, vendors shout while ringing bells and chimes, and in the distance, a dog barks. 

You know that you will not hear the men's approaching footfalls, but you listen for them, anyway. Yoongi and the family men only need to walk through the small dining hall of the open-air restaurant below, then up a flight of stairs. You hear nothing that might give their positions away. 

"Wanna hide?" Hwasa—the nickname of your darling friend Hyejin—asks. She rests her chin on your shoulder and loosely wraps her arms around you, engulfing you in a perfume of roses and lilies.

You shake your head and mutter, "No," watching the doorway for any movement.

Finally, heavy footfalls echo through the space, giving you goosebumps, and when you hear the sounds of shouting followed by someone running into the room, you hold your breath. 

"Fuck, fuck!" a man yells as he rounds the corner and cowers, shaking like a leaf in the wind. He seems to be patting himself down for a weapon, then he sighs and squeezes his eyes closed as he presses his back to the wall. 

"Ya!" Hwasa yells, making the man gasp. "What is it?"

"B-big Duri," the man stammers, eyes wide. He shakes his head quickly as if attempting to clear away his thoughts. 

Duri is a hulk of a man who stands watch at the top of the stairs. He is as muscular as he is tall, with a bit of softness around his belly, and his towering status has earned him the title Big Duri from the other men. One snarl from him makes men cower away in fear.

"What about him?" Hwasa asks.

"He was s-stabbed," the man says, staring at the floor. "In the f-f-fucking eye."

Hwasa drops her arms from around you and stands up straight. You open your mouth to speak but find no sound can pass your lips. 

Footfalls approach, heavy and fast. You are not sure who you expect storming in from the hallway, but for some reason, it is not Yoongi. 

He walks in assuredly like he owns the place, dark hair framing his face in waves. Clenched in his right fist are two bright red chopsticks that look like the ones served at the restaurant downstairs, and you could swear the thinner ends of them are dripping with blood. 

"Darling, let's go," Yoongi says, wide eyes fixed on you. He looks like a madman with his hair somewhat disheveled and a sheen of sweat on his throat.  

You are surprised to see Yoongi dressed as he is. Under the pastel jacket is a white tee tucked into loose-fitting blue jeans. When was the last time you saw him in blue jeans? Your first trip to Hong Kong?

You heavy-blink, breaking from the thought process, and attempt to hold steady and keep cool. But you do not feel cool. Your pulse quickens, and you worry you might faint. 

"I'm staying here," you say, voice trembling. 

You half expect Yoongi to storm over and grab you by the arm. Part of you even feels saddened when he stays where he is. 

"Darling," Yoongi says, lifting his free hand to wave you over. "I'm not asking you twice."

"How many men did you kill out there?" you ask, eyes on the chopsticks that drip blood beside his dusty white sneaker. Yoongi's arm drops to his side and he heaves a weighty sigh, shoulders falling. 

Behind Yoongi, Ryujin saunters in. She grins and stands beside Yoongi, resting her head against his shoulder as she reaches for the bloodied chopsticks in his fist, saying, "You owe me a bodyguard."

Yoongi—whose eyes never leave you—throws the chopsticks to the floor, off to the side. They clatter against the uneven wood, and you wince at the thought of blood splattering. 

He mutters, "Fine." 

With that admission, you surmise that Yoongi has, indeed, stabbed Big Duri in the eye. How he managed to do so when he is so much smaller than the man is beyond you. You would be amused by the visual of Yoongi leaping onto him like a kitten if the situation were not so infuriating. 

Slowly, Ryujin lifts her head from Yoongi's shoulder. She turns her gaze to you as she says, "She doesn't want this life, Yoongi. She told you so, herself."

"Darling," Yoongi says, seemingly ignoring Ryujin, making her roll her eyes. "I will make some changes. We will figure it out. Just come home."

You shake your head. "I told you I wanted to leave."

"You are in danger," Yoongi insists, and you scoff. For the first time since you have arrived to this dingy place, there has been no hint of violence until he turned up. 

As Yoongi sighs, his nostrils flair. You can clearly see that he has something on his mind, but he remains still and silent. 

Anger rises, and you clench your fists at your sides. This is not the reunion you expected, but you cannot say you are shocked. "I told you I no longer want this life, and the first thing you do is stab a man—a good man!"

"Darling, I—" 

"Go home," you interrupt. 

Yoongi watches you, expression cold save for a flicker of sadness in his eyes. Every nerve in your body wants to propel you forward and into his arms, but you do not want to return to the home of a maniac who attacks men with chopsticks, beautiful as that maniac may be. 

"I have told you time and again that I cannot handle this life of death and destruction! And here you are, bringing it straight to my feet. Go home, Yoongi."

Yoongi tongues the inside of his cheek, raising his eyebrows. In the doorway, you see Namjoon appear, balaclava raised to his forehead. His dark grey tee is smeared with sweat and blood, and before he can open his mouth to speak, you turn around. There is absolutely no way you will be able to keep your strength if you are forced to face any more of them. 

"She wants you to leave," Hwasa says. You are grateful for her as you hear the heels of her boots against the rickety hardwood. "Now!"

"I want to speak to her," Namjoon says, and you are surprised to hear Yoongi say, "She does not wish to speak. Come on."

As their deep, low voices mutter, tears fill your eyes. You breathe in deeply, hoping to ward them off, but as you exhale, the air comes out shattered, and you know that you are only moments away from crying. 

"Tomorrow night, we can sit down and discuss matters," Ryujin says. 

You keep your eyes on the late afternoon sky, hanging on her every word. 

"Amicably," she continues. "No weapons. No hot tempers. And you have a man en route to Busan to take Duri's place when we arrive. Deal?"

"All of us?" Namjoon asks, and you fight the edges of your lips, which curl into a sad smile. 

Ryujin sighs. "Yes, all seven of you sordid little devils. Now get the fuck out of my hideout. You gave our darling a scare and I will not have her fainting because of it. I will send you a time and place, and you will show up dressed as respectable men. Seriously, what the fuck are you guys wearing? You look like trash."

Ryujin's voice fades as she continues to berate them, footsteps retreating, and it occurs to you once more that somewhere out in the chaos is Jimin. You turn, and the movement causes Yoongi's head to lift and eyes to open wide and expectantly, standing halfway in the hallway. You were not expecting him to still be here. To your disappointment, Namjoon has already left the room.

"Is Jimin here?" you ask. 

Relief floods Yoongi's face, and he cracks a smile, nodding as he says, "Yes. Come see him."

You shake your head, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. 

"Glad he's awake," you say. "Perhaps I will see you all tomorrow." 

Yoongi's expression turns sad, and you watch as he mouths the word perhaps before you turn your attention back to the window. The sound of his shoes retreating makes you want to throw up, and you swallow it down as a single tear streaks your left cheek. 

* * *

Ryujin lies on a large fur rug that she has pulled near the window. Atop the rug is a mess of blankets and pillows, and her limbs tangle with those of Hwasa and the other three girls. 

You sit arrow straight on the wide window sill, staring at the street below. The sky slowly darkens, illuminating the buildings with an orange glow that is exaggerated by the neon lights on each restaurant and storefront. 

"Yes, Yoongi," Ryujin says into her phone, playful irritation in her tone. "I swear to you there is nobody by that name in our ranks. Seokjin-oppa has already warned me about his possible presence."

You listen, hoping to hear traces of Yoongi's voice coming through the phone, but you know that it is hopeless; his dulcet tones do not exactly travel far even while in the same room as him. Muffled and at a distance, the notion is hopeless.

"You know," Ryujin continues, "you would have less to worry about if you hadn't stabbed my most trusty security guard in the fucking eye with a chopstick."

Her words make you wince, and you turn away from the window, staring at the empty wall opposite where Ryujin and the girls rest. The floral wallpaper is peeled in places and tinted brown from water damage, but otherwise, the space is clean and empty, save for six suitcases and the items Ryujin has brought in and strewn about for comfort. 

Outside of this room is a hallway that connects to more rooms, though you have not bothered to look into any of them, save for the bathroom, which is the first room to the right as you exit this one. Whatever this hideout was originally built for, you do not know, and you do not care, although you imagine at least one of the rooms could serve as office space for the restaurant below. 

A shrill laugh barks through the air, making you jump. You gaze over your shoulder to find Ryujin's head tilted back, eyes closed as she full-body laughs. 

"Don't be a fucking idiot," she says, opening her eyes to meet your gaze. "No scrub in clown paint is going to buy our little darling from me. Now get some sleep; we'll talk about this tomorrow evening, as promised."

Something about Ryujin calling you our little darling sends a chill along your spine, and you turn back to staring at nothing. She ends the call abruptly, and you hear as her phone clatters against the wooden floor, undoubtedly tossed aside. 

"Darling," Ryujin calls, voice soft and pretty, causing your shoulders to rise to your ears as if protecting you—from what, you are unsure. 

You swallow hard. "Hmm?"

Ryujin giggles. "Come. You're so tense. Relax with us."

She is correct that you are tense. You have been tense for days. When you got into her car at the airport, she said you would be here for two or three days, but it is going on a week, and you are tired of sleeping on rugs in a pile of bodies. You want to return to a bed. Any bed. 

As you turn to face Ryujin and the others, you are struck by a sense of homesickness and longing that makes your stomach churn. Hwasa and three slender beauties called Solar, Wheein, and Moonbyul crowd Ryujin, who sits up on her elbows, gaze fixed on you.

Hwasa's head is against Ryujin's left shoulder, near her breast, and she watches you, as well, gaze soft but pleading. Moonbyul, with her long, straight hair lightened to a pale gold blonde, has her head on Hwasa's tummy, curled in on her. The other two are resting similarly, with Solar clinging to Ryujin and Wheein clinging to Solar, long dark hair draped over limbs which are draped over more limbs clad in white cotton and black spandex. 

You watch them in their near-stillness, questioning where you would fit. Clearly, the five of them are tight. They call her mother, and she proudly dotes on them as if they are her precious children.

Ordinarily, you wait for everyone to begin dozing off, then you curl up on one of the outside edges, back turned from whichever woman is beside you. But you know that Ryujin wants you to be physically close to her—you can tell by the way she watches you.

What would physical closeness to a woman like her entail, you wonder. 

"So shy," Ryujin pouts. "So moody."

Hwasa, as if mirroring her energy, juts out her bottom lip. 

Ryujin tilts her head, studying you. "What does the lady require to help take the edge off?"

Although she is not explicitly saying so, you know that she is offering pills. Every day that you do not give in and crawl to Ryujin and her pile of women, she assumes it is due to some defect in your ability to relax. In a way, you suppose, she is correct. 

"Going home would take the edge off," you respond, voice flat and lacking all mirth.

Ryujin sighs, and her pretty, impish smile falls into a dramatic frown. "I, too, would like to go home. And I promise that we will, soon. Yoongi is convinced there is some third party attempting to track you down, and he has been insistent on weeding the man out. He seems to think that you are safest while remaining in hiding. I, however, think we are sitting ducks."

You hum and nod.

She sits up ever so slightly, causing the clinging women to shift along with her movement. "What do you think?"

What do you think? Such a simple, innocent question, yet it stirs an anger in you that is so deep, festering in the dark pits of you that are fed by lack of proper comfort and sleep. 

There is a part of you that wants to snap at Ryujin and ask whether she really cares what you think. You want to storm up to her, take her by the straps of her white tank top, and shake some sense into her while demanding she returns you to Korea at once. 

Another part of you worries that Yoongi is being too paranoid to think clearly and that he is making an already strange situation worse. You find it hard to believe Christian has weaseled his way into Taiwan and is lying in wait to pounce, if that is what the phone call just now suggests.

But, then again, you never would have imagined Christian would show up with a briefcase of money, nor did you expect to see him turning up to the mansion in the middle of the night. Still, the notion feels ridiculous. You're not in Korea anymore. 

You shrug, purse your lips as if you are thinking it over, and say, "I don't really know."

Truth be told, you are exhausted, catapulting emotionally from one extreme to another, finding it impossible to truly relax. You are not sure whether Ryujin has done anything to deserve your vitriol; she has kept you safe and fed, even if you are slowly succumbing to exhaustion-induced hysteria. 

Her history with Yoongi notwithstanding, she appears reasonable and kind. It is hard to hate her for her past when it has opened up Yoongi's arms to you—for better or worse. It is not as if you regret the time you have spent with him.

And, if you are being honest, you wonder whether the transgression between them was as simple as the men put it, or if there is more to her side of the story. Surely, she did not wake up one day and decide to betray the man she loved.

Or, perhaps, she is charming you the way Yoongi did. What better way to tame a wild beast than to uproot it from the comfort and safety it has grown accustomed to and force it into close proximity, giving it no other choice than to be grateful and eventually feel some semblance of love toward its captor. Maybe she and Yoongi have more in common than you realize.

The thought makes you snicker, and you stand, taking notice of how Ryujin lifts her chin and watches you. Hwasa stirs and sits up, causing Moonbyul to roll off of her with a groan and clench onto the pillow below her.

"Going to the bathroom," you say.

Hwasa stands as Ryujin sing-songs, "Buddy system," causing you to smile and roll your eyes. 

You are not allowed to do anything outside of this room—including taking a shit—without the accompaniment of one of the girls. Lucky for you, Hwasa is always willing and eager to be close.  

Hwasa tiptoes over and snakes an arm around your elbow, momentarily resting her head on your shoulder as the two of you walk. You have come to enjoy her company quite a bit, and you are relieved to have her here. 

While it was shocking to lay eyes on Hwasa after your plane landed in Taiwan, she was very clear and open about her circumstances, and you found it easy to trust her. According to her, Seokjin and Jimin gave her the position at Paradise knowing she was one of Ryujin's women, reminding you of Hyunjin and how he and his family were safe, after all. 

Yoongi may not have been working directly with Ryujin this entire time, but it seems that his men have been. And, judging by how comfortable he seemed with letting Ryujin touch him and boss him around earlier, you do not suspect that he harbors the same ill thoughts that he seemed to when you first encountered her all those months ago. 

You wonder what has changed. Has it been your presence in his life, or something more? After all the destruction Ryujin's team has caused Yoongi's family over the last several months, ending with Jimin in a coma, some sort of truce had to have been made. You have heard whispers of conversations, but you are curious about the specifics. It seems the woman who was at the helm of the destruction, Hyungseo, is not here. 

In due time, you think. You have no doubt Ryujin will open up to you.

As you and Hwasa leave the room and venture quietly into the hall, two armed men look up from the game of Chinese checkers that they play on the floor, and smile. They are beautiful, and you smile back, yanking your gaze away from them before you are able to make any more of an impression on either of them.

Admittedly, you are lonely. Physically, emotionally, sexually…and there is something in the gleams of their eyes that stirs you deeply, but you know that it is not them who do it for you. 

It is their eyes. They share the same piercing, knowing gaze of hunger and brutality that glimmers in the eyes of the family men. Your family men. 

"I think Yunho likes you," Hwasa teases, voice loud enough for him to undoubtedly hear, though you do not turn back to look. 

Instead, you press your palm against the cold metal door leading into the small bathroom and sheepishly ask, "Which one is he, again?"

A snicker comes from the floor, undoubtedly from Yunho's companion Seonghwa, and you turn as you enter the dimly lit room, grinning widely at your friend. The bathroom door swings shut, and the scents of toilet cleaner and bleach sting your nose. 

There are three toilet stalls in this room with mint green painted metal doors. The walls are a similar shade of green, and the yellow and white tiles on the floor are chipped in places.

You make your way to the sinks straight ahead and turn on the water, which is always cold, and run your hands under the stream. On the counter, in the corner, is a large black makeup case containing travel-sized toiletries for yourself and the rest of the women, and you open its lid and rummage around for your toothbrush and toothpaste. 

"How are you holding up?" Hwasa asks as you unscrew the cap from the toothpaste and squeeze a small dollop of its contents onto your bristles, careful not to take too much. 

You shrug, and rather than respond, raise the brush to your mouth. The mint is cloyingly sweet as it hits your taste buds, and you close your eyes, worried that its minty sting may tangle with your emotions and cause tears to well.

"Will you be joining Ryujin to meet with them for dinner tomorrow?"

Without opening your eyes, you begin to shake your head, not sure whether you can handle sitting at the same table with all of them. But then Jimin's bright, gleaming smile crosses your mind, and you shrug and nod. You may as well. 

Hwasa chuckles, and her hands rest softly on your shoulders before giving a gentle squeeze. All at once, you relax, dropping your shoulders and tipping your head forward, instinctively giving her permission to do anything she would like. 

As you finish brushing your teeth and tongue, she squeezes your muscles and rolls her thumbs in circles. You hold the small plastic brush between your teeth, feeling a dribble of frothy, minty spit roll down your lip to your chin, and you rest your palms against the counter until Hwasa lifts her hands away. 

"I suppose I should brush my teeth, too," she says with a pout in her tone, and you open your eyes to see her squirting some paste onto a matching toothbrush that she has written AH on in large letters for Ahn Hyejin. 

You spit, rinse, and spit some more, then use the inside of your sweaty black tank top to dab the moisture from the edges of your mouth. When Hwasa is finished, the two of you link arms once more and make your way out of the bathroom, ignoring Yunho and Seonghwa as you walk by. 

The rest of the girls, led by Ryujin, walk by in a fit of soft giggles, and you make your way to the pile of blankets and pillows, feeling physically exhausted despite being uncertain of whether you may actually be able to sleep. 

Hwasa follows and lies down beside you, beaming as she scoots nice and close and wraps an arm around your waist before you have a chance to roll away and face the wall. 

"Not so fast," she says, causing you to chuckle despite yourself. "You always roll away. Snore in my face for once."

Affronted, you attempt to wiggle out of her hold, surprised by how strong she is as she holds you in place. "I do not snore."

Hwasa rolls her eyes, says, "Everyone snores a little," and wiggles closer as her hold on you loosens—so close your noses nearly touch.

You feel too warm, and the scent of Hwasa's perfume mingling with her body heat stirs something inside you, filling you with the urge to flee. You are lonely, and she is beautiful and soft, and suddenly it feels as if all the air has been sucked from the room.

At a loss, you close your eyes. Whether you roll your body away or continue to face her, she will not create more distance because she cannot. As soon as the other girls return, they will pile into the bed, and you will feel the weight of ankles and wrists drape over you. 

"Good night, pretty dove," Hwasa sing-songs. 

You crack a smile, unable to hold back despite how dangerous it feels to allow yourself to be anything but stoic and collected for the time being. The nickname reminds you of Paradise and of Jimin, and you are unable to hold back. 

"Good night, Hyejin," you mutter in response, forgetting her nickname for the familiar one as her warmth and comfort lulls you fast into a sleep you did not expect to come. 

You actually feel…good.

* * *

The rattle and clanking of dishes and silverware have all of your nerves on high alert, causing your pulse to spike and your palms to sweat. You are acutely aware of the fact that at any moment, several men you miss and adore are going to come walking into the private dining room to join you, Ryujin, and Hwasa, and you are going to have to face them.

Each time a member of the serving staff enters, your eyes dart up in panic, and each time they bow apologetically, confusion painted across their features. Under the table, from your right, Hwasa grips onto your hand and mutters kind words that are lost over the pounding of your heart. 

When your trio arrived first, you were grateful. You assumed that by the time you waited on the arrival of the men, your nerves would have calmed and you would have composed yourself. 

But you were wrong. Oh, how you were wrong. 

With each passing second, your heart riots behind your ribs, quick and dizzying. You feel the urge to excuse yourself to the bathroom, but you are terrified of what it may do to Yoongi if he arrives to find that you are not sitting at this table. 

Food and drink are brought in. Large dishes covered in steaming meat, vegetables, rice, and noodles. Carafe after carafe is set down, and as you sit forward to peer into one of them, Hwasa says, "That is kaoliang. Fermented liquor from China." Your mouth begins to water, but you are not sure you are ready just yet to start drinking. 

Shadows linger outside the door to the private room, tall and wide blobs obscured by the privacy glass. Ryujin glances at her watch, mutters, "Fucking finally," and stands, causing Hwasa to stand as well. 

You remain glued to your seat. Even if you wanted to stand, you are not sure you would be able to. 

As the door slides open, your heart pounds. Seokjin enters with a smirk and a bow of his head, followed by Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jeongguk, Namjoon, and finally, Yoongi. 

Jimin beams, eyes and mouth wide and happy, and he rounds the table in a rush, pushing past Ryujin, who attempts to pull him into a hug. Your eyes fill with tears, and as you finally get onto your feet, legs wobbling beneath you, the tears spill, streaking your cheeks. 

You stumble and crash into the papered wall from the force of Jimin's hug, elbow scraping and stinging, but you do not care. Jimin smells and feels so familiar, and you sob in his arms, burying your face into his black lapel and letting out a deep, shattered breath.

"Oh my god," you manage to mutter against his shoulder, and he tries to loosen the hug to hear you speak, but you shake your head like a petulant child and pull him closer, refusing to let go. "I was so scared, Jimin. I thought I might never— I've missed you so much."

Voices greet one another, and chairs scrape across the floor, signaling that the others have begun to find their seats. This time, when Jimin begins to release the hug, you allow him, dropping your hands from his shoulders but holding them loosely around his hips.

Jimin's eyes are glassy with tears, and hair is slightly longer, almost grown out into a mullet. For the first time since you have met him, it is brown, and you mutter, "Nice hair," while doing your best to smile widely despite still crying. 

He grimaces at you, lifting his hands to thumb away the moisture under your eyes. Then he leans in, kisses the tip of your nose, and says, "All better, dove."

"Thank you," you whisper, sound lodged in your throat, then you release Jimin for good and pivot to take your seat, taking a deep breath before allowing your eyes to fall on the rest of the men. 

To your surprise and dismay, you find Ryujin sitting across from you with her eyebrows raised and a sharp, devious smile playing on her lips. To her left is Hwasa, and to her right is Jeongguk. You do not need to look to see that Yoongi and Namjoon have taken the seats on either side of you because of course, they have. Where else would they be?

But you do look. You sweep the sprawling rectangular table, starting with Namjoon at your left, then Hoseok, with Seokjin at the far end, where you anticipated Yoongi might sit. Past Seokjin is Taehyung, then Jeongguk, then Ryujin, who is leaning to the side and whispering something to Hwasa, whose hand reaches to where Jimin sits on the other far end. 

Jimin inspects Hwasa's rings and nails, dainty fingers tracing delicate lines. When she turns back to look at him, there are tears in her eyes, and you realize belatedly that she has missed him, as well. Of course, she has.

You do not look at Yoongi, gaze ending with Jimin. Yoongi clears his throat, causing Ryujin to stand, and—feeling uncomfortable with also standing while she speaks—you quickly have a seat. 

Ryujin bows her head, hair pulled in a tight bun at the back of her head. She, matching Hwasa, wears a black suit with a white silk blouse, blending in with the black suits and black satin undershirts the men wear. You are the odd one out in a sleek black evening gown; Ryujin was insistent. At least it, too, is satin. 

"Gentlemen," Ryujin says, and all at once, the men stand, bow their heads, and sit, including Yoongi, who scoots in close beside you. "Thank you for joining us tonight. I trust you have found us a replacement bodyguard?"

Yoongi hums a gruff, low note, and you are acutely aware of his presence by your side. His scent—earthy and musky, ever so slightly tinged with citrus—sneaks past the savory blend of food smells and floods your senses. You swallow a lump of trepidation that has crept its way to your throat. 

"First of all, I would like to thank you for trusting me with taking care of our little darling," Ryujin says, turning to look at Seokjin. She remains standing. "As you are all aware, things between Yoongi and I have not always been easy. But, moving forward, I would like for all of us to remain amicable."

At this, Ryujin's eyes land on Yoongi. She appears fierce and ruthless in the way she looks down at him, lips upturned as if to show that she is enjoying this position of power. 

You glance from the corner of your eye to find that Yoongi peers back up at her, sitting tall on the edge of his seat. His expression is blank, as is to be expected. There is a long pause during which you wish someone would speak or move to eat or drink—anything to cut through the tension.

Finally, Yoongi folds his arms over his chest and sits back, shifting his weight in a more relaxed position. He clears his throat, and you turn your gaze to the piles of meats, vegetables, noodles, and rice. 

It sounds as if Yoongi attempts more than once to speak but struggles to find the words. At this, Namjoon sits forward, pulling your attention to the left, and he asks, "May I?"

Ryujin's face lights up. "Of course, Joonie-oppa. The floor is yours."

"Firstly, thank you for your hospitality. The hideout was certainly difficult to locate—"

Ryujin snickers. At this, Jeongguk stands, facing her, "Look, noona, if you would have answered your phone, we never would have shown up there with—"

"Sit down," Ryujin snaps, turning a playful but intense glare on Jeongguk, whose mouth snaps shut as he takes his seat. Beside him, Taehyung snickers. "I didn't answer my phone because I wanted to converse with her before making any choices, and you idiots acted irrationally."

At the word her, Ryujin lifts her hand and gestures to you, momentarily pulling your gaze. Although you do not glance around, you are certain that all heads turn to look your way, causing you to shift uncomfortably in your seat while you begin watching droplets of condensation streak your water glass.  

"Pardon us for being concerned," Yoongi responds, voice tense and pained. 

This seems to quell whatever emotion that has Ryujin acting defensive, and she slowly takes her seat and reaches for the bottle of kaoliang. All seem to be waiting for her response, and she takes her time lifting her glass to her lips and sitting back in her chair. 

"Nobody faults you for being concerned, oppa. But you need to be more considerate of the reason she has come to me in the first place."

Yoongi must open his mouth to speak once more because Ryujin lifts her hand to stop him before she continues. 

"Yes, I know that you are concerned for her safety, especially in the wake of some mysterious man from her past showing up out of nowhere. But she was already planning on leaving for mental health reasons. So maybe storming in with chopsticks blazing is not the wisest way to reunite with someone who is already shell-shocked from all the other bullshit she has had to witness."

"Some of the bullshit was at the hands of your people," Namjoon interjects. 

Ryujin levels her gaze on him. "The most heinous bullshit, I would imagine. And as you can see, Hyungseo is not present. I am dealing with her, and Seokjin, Yoongi, and I have already discussed ways I can help with harm reduction."

Your gaze moves to the right, to Jimin, and you are surprised to find he is already looking at you. You smile, unable to stop the tears that form from how relieved you are that he is alright. 

"I know that trust has been tarnished between our families, and that myself and my girls have taken things too far," Ryujin admits. "I sent my people out to scare you, and they did so much more than that. I will never stop feeling sorry for what has happened. Not a night has gone by that I have not been filled with regret over someone so precious to all of us becoming seriously injured."

Ryujin lifts an arm, reaches over Hwasa, and holds out her hand to Jimin. He takes it without hesitation. 

"He could have died," Jeongguk says, brows knit in a frown. 

Ryujin sighs. "I know this, Ggukie. And I am so, so sorry. I am determined to quash any bad blood and begin earning your respect. Tomorrow we leave for Busan. Once we are all back home, Serendipity will be opened for a night of drinking, drugs…whatever you heathens do."

To your surprise, many of the men snicker, amused. 

"Seokjin and Hoseok already have a security team on standby so that you are not only relying on my people to keep you safe," Ryujin continues. "The era of family feuding is over. I am happy with my little piece of the peninsula, and I want drug operations to continue in a way that is lucrative for both of us. We will remain your first line of defense in the harbor, and in return, all that I ask is that we get free reign in Seoul to come and go."

Yoongi clears his throat. "If Sunmi-noona will accept the offer, she can be your liaison in the city once more."

At this, a mischievous smirk tugs on Ryujin's lips. She gives Jimin's hand a squeeze before releasing it, then raises both elbows to the table to cradle her chin in her hands. "Tell me, oppa. Why does Sunmi-unnie spit at my feet whenever I mention your name?"

Yoongi says nothing. 

Rather than press him, she winks, then reaches for a large metal spoon and begins to fill her dish. Everyone hesitates, and it is Jeongguk who breaks the tension and follows suit, scooping food onto Taehyung's plate and causing the others to act in kind. You sit still, unsure whether you have an appetite. 

"Darling?" Yoongi asks at the same time two fingers gently caress the back of your arm. 

Your evening gown is a form-hugging halter top with a low back, leaving your skin open to soft, delicate assaults like the ones Yoongi likes to conduct in gentle motions. You flinch but try not to pull your arm away, worried about hurting his feelings.

Yoongi chuckles softly. "Are you not hungry?"

You shake your head but mutter, "I don't know."

"Should I have sat elsewhere?" he asks. He shifts as if he is looking over and around you, and you imagine he is speaking nonverbally to Namjoon. 

The room is too bright, the food and cologne smells are too numerous, and the sounds of voices and silverware and porcelain are too loud. You raise your shoulders to your ears, then turn toward Yoongi, still unable to meet his eye as you ask, "Can we talk somewhere else?"

Yoongi stands, says, "Excuse us for just a moment," and waits for you. 

As you stand, you catch Ryujin's eye. She appears concerned and places her palms on the table as if ready to stand and defend you. 

You nod and say, "We'll be right back," and watch as she relaxes. 

A warm palm presses against your lower back, and Yoongi guides you toward the door, out into a small hallway, and to the left. The restaurant's main dining hall is to the right, and you are thankful to walk in the opposite direction, not sure whether you can handle another person's eyes on you. 

Yoongi walks into an empty private dining room, switches on the light, and holds out his arm for you to enter. As you step inside, you hear him conversing softly with who you assume to be an employee, and then he joins you, closing the door behind him.

As you stand and face the large, empty dining room, you expect Yoongi to touch you or prod you into speaking. Perhaps you expect him to beg you to return home. Instead, he seems to be waiting.

After only a handful of seconds, you decide you cannot take it anymore. Every ounce of you yearns for Yoongi, and knowing he is so close and being so patient has you reeling. You turn and quickly step toward him, reaching for his lapels and burying your face against his chest. He smells like home, and as he wraps his arms around you, warmth fills your chest, and you begin to cry.

"I'm sorry," you say. "I'm sorry I had to leave. I miss you, Yoongi, but I can't stand being there. I can't do it."

"Shh," Yoongi whispers, lips pressing to your temple, causing you to cry harder. It has only been a week, and yet you feel as if you have been away from him for so long. 

"I'm sorry we keep creating distance. I don't know how to make it work out. I'm so scared, Yoongi." You are fumbling, mouth on autopilot, dredging up each time you and Yoongi were apart, feeling somehow responsible for everything despite knowing you have always only done your best. 

"Yesterday was a mistake," Yoongi says, peppering kisses from the crown of your hair to your cheek and back up. "I was terrified and not in my right mind. You left in a frenzy, and then there was that letter, and it all been very confusing—"

You sniffle loudly, letting out a sound that halfway sounds like a laugh. "Oh my god, the letter. I'm so sorry."

Yoongi chuckles, gently grabs your shoulders, and pries you away from his chest. You allow him to move you, and you stand straight but keep your eyes on his black satin shirt. You do not want to see his scar or the pretty way in which his eyes downturn when he is sad. 

His voice is soft and conspiratorial as he says, "I almost killed Seokjin after I found it."

With wide, surprised eyes, you look up, unable to hold back any longer. Yoongi's smile is loving and big, and his eyes sparkle with happiness, making your stomach roil with uncertainty. His scar is still so red against his soft skin, but it adds so much to his allure and beauty.

"I was under the impression you were running away with Barom, what with the timing of it all. You packed a bag, left behind all of our gifts, and disappeared into the night the moment he arrived."

Despite Yoongi's high spirits, you shake your head somewhat desperately. "I wrote it earlier that day, thinking I might run away a night or two later. I was scared that if I said goodbye, I wouldn't be able to leave." Tears build once more, and your body goes limp, hanging against the weight of Yoongi's hands. "Yoongi, I'm so—"

"Alright, no more sorries," Yoongi says, pressing against your shoulders enough to signal that he would like you to stand up and get your shit together. "Seokjin explained your conversations and motives to us already, and I have long since forgiven the both of you. I understand why you felt you had to sneak away. Remember when I went missing in Hong Kong? I was also in the midst of a mental health crisis, darling. I have no hard feelings."

You straighten out and search Yoongi's eyes for any hint of dishonesty, but all you find is a soft, loving gaze looking back at you. With a relieved sigh, you step forward and wrap your arms around him, pressing the side of your cheek against his chest and listening to the steady beat of his heart. 

"I love you," you say, feeling the words fill you with warmth. 

Yoongi drapes one arm over your shoulders and rests his other hand against the back of your head. "I love you, too," he says. "And if you need time and space, I will give it to you. Despite everything, I trust the girls to take good care of you."

"Is it weird?" you ask, pulling out of the hug and stepping back only far enough to see Yoongi's face. His only response is to raise one eyebrow. "Being around her again, I mean. Was she always so bossy?"

Yoongi chuckles and shakes his head. "I suppose it is a little weird, but we were friends first and foremost, and being friendly with her again feels easy. She has not always been that bossy, per se, but she has always been strong-willed enough to face all seven of us down the way she did tonight."

This makes you laugh, and you lean into Yoongi once more, tilting your head to press your lips to his throat, just under his chin. 

"Thank you," you say. Yoongi hums, and you add, "For giving me time and space. For being understanding. That night was a fucking mess, and I have been really scared for what the aftermath may look like."

"No hard feelings," Yoongi repeats. "As long as you are happy."

All at once, you are flooded with myriad thoughts. Are you happy? This last week, while being more or less calm on your nerves, has also been lonely and strange. Would you feel better if you cut your losses and went back home to your men, where everything felt familiar again? Could you cycle through medications until finding the magical cocktail that would allow you to be whole again?

No, you think. Probably not. 

"Are you sure?" you ask, voice soft and uncertain. "I don't know how long I might need. I can't promise—"

Yoongi kisses your forehead, pressing his lips slowly as he hums. He says, "I'm sure. We can figure it out one day at a time."

With everything out in the open, your stomach pangs with hunger. You smile and ask, "Can we go eat now?" and you are delighted when Yoongi smiles with relief and says, "Yes, of course."

With his thumbs, Yoongi rubs below your eyes. His hands linger on your cheeks, and you expect him to lean forward and kiss you, but he drops his hands a beat later, then grabs onto one of yours and asks, "Shall we?"

Yoongi leads the two of you back to the dining room, and as you enter, you are pleased to find the entire table has erupted into pleasant conversation. Jeongguk's arm is draped over Ryujin's chair while Hwasa emphatically tells them a story, and Jimin is leaning close, listening with his chin propped onto his hands. 

Taehyung is explaining something while glancing between Namjoon, Seokjin, and Hoseok, and as you and Yoongi round the table and return, nobody acknowledges the two of you until you take a seat and Namjoon—eyes still on Taehyung—gently places a hand on your knee. 

It is only when you begin to reach for half-empty bowls of food that Namjoon takes your plate in his hand that you realize how long it has been since the two of you have spoken. You are once again overwhelmed with emotion and fight the urge to say sorry a hundred more times. 

Instead, he points with a large metal spoon and says, "Both of these dishes have a tangy garlic sauce, but this one is a bit more spicy."

"I'd like to try both," you say, watching as Namjoon spoons a heap of chicken with vegetables onto your dish, followed by a heap of tofu and peanuts with vegetables in a slightly redder sauce full of chopped red peppers. 

As Namjoon sets your plate in front of you, you reach with your long metal chopsticks with the intent to gather some noodles from a dish that is across from Yoongi, out of Namjoon's reach. However, Yoongi takes the dish and begins to scoop some onto a smaller plate for you, and you sit back with a smile and wait for him to finish. 

"Still having those dreams?" Namjoon asks.

You know in an instant that he is referring to the dream that you wrote about in your letter, and you feel silly as you bite your bottom lip and nod. 

"That has to be really stressful," he says, reaching for a pitcher of water to fill his empty glass. 

You smile sadly, imagining his white shirt filling with blood. It is stressful, but— "On the plus side, I get to see you."

As you lift your gaze to meet Namjoon's, his furrowed brow and wilted frown gently lift, not quite into a smile, but at least something a bit more relaxed. 

"Hi," you say softly, taking in Namjoon's familiar, beautiful face.

His smile widens, creasing his cheeks with dimples. He mutters, "Hey, you," and the soft, dulcet tone of his voice fills your chest with warmth. 

You open your mouth to tell him that you love him. That you miss him. That you're sorry for leaving. So, so sorry. 

But Ryujin loudly asks, "Caviar?" pulling the attention of everyone at the table. 

Behind her, waitstaff hold new plates, and everyone nods in agreement before continuing their conversations. And although you could pour your heart out now, Hoseok steals Namjoon's attention away, and you decide the moment has passed.

Food and drink continue to appear in waves, and suddenly, you are tipsy and full and tired. Namjoon stands to walk around the table and have a quiet conversation with Ryujin, and Jimin seizes the opportunity to steal his seat. He and Jeongguk discuss business operations at Paradise while you rest your head against his shoulder and close your eyes listening to the sound of his voice. He is alive. He is awake. 

He speaks slower, and there is a rough quality to his voice that was not present before. It seems to take him more time to process what is said to him, and he reacts as if on a delay. But he is here and alive and awake. 

Only when more kaoliang is poured, and Ryujin raises a toast do you sit up and take your cup. You barely hear what she shouts, booze and excitement slurring her speech, but you make out the words together, family, and happy, and you tap your small glass against as many as you can reach before shooting the strong liquid down.

A large, warm hand rests on your right knee, and as you set down your empty glass, you turn to find Yoongi watching you, glassy-eyed with a smile on his lips. You attempt to smile back but instead, swallow thickly and search for something to say. Luckily, he speaks first.

“Do you have any idea how difficult it has been without you at home?” Yoongi’s gaze becomes pained but remains soft, tugging at your heart. 

And although the sentiment is sweet, you are unable to ignore the impossibility of his question. In fact, for some inexplicable reason—you suppose you must blame the alcohol—you become somewhat annoyed.

You ask, “How could I possibly know that? And anyway, don't you have your hands full as it is?”

Across the table, Jeongguk snickers. It takes Yoongi a second to react, and you are glad when the corners of his lips raise into another smile, even if just for a second. 

“Being around those girls has made you sassier than you were before, darling,” he mutters under his breath. 

You roll your eyes. “It has only been a week, darling.”

Leaning close, elbows on the table, Yoongi lowers his voice and says, “It only took me about a week to begin wearing you down.”

Arousal stirs from the tone of his voice, but so does your stomach. Being kidnapped and worn down is not exactly a topic that you delight in discussing. You must not show your dissatisfaction, however, because Yoongi leans in close and presses a soft, warm kiss against your cheek. 

As the raucous dinner comes to an end and you begin to wish everyone a safe trip home, Jeongguk finally approaches. You have been holding back the urge to kick him in the shin all night, feeling somewhat scorned by his lack of attention. 

"So you're going to stay with the girls?" he asks, standing close enough to wrap you in an embrace but keeping his arms to his sides.

You nod and find it hard to hold his eye contact, looking down at his satin-clad shoulder instead. Jeongguk lifts a hand and delicately places two fingers under your chin, tilting your head until you look him in the eyes. The contact of his skin against yours sends an electric current through you, and you shiver. 

"Call me if you need anything. I can be to Busan in a matter of hours."

Sheepishly, you glance down again and mutter, "I don't have anyone's number anymore."

Jeongguk drops his hand, turns to the left, and says, "Seokjin-hyung! What the fuck, man?"

Arguing ensues, but you are too distracted by Namjoon wrapping his arms around your side and pressing his lips to your neck. Suddenly, your bones are jelly, and you stumble to the right, leaning your weight against his embrace. Yoongi joins, taking your chin in his hand in a similar fashion to Jeongguk, and tilting your lips against his. 

"We'll be ready whenever you are," Namjoon insists, lips grazing over your skin. "Whatever you need…please don't shut us out."

Somewhere behind Namjoon, Seokjin shouts, "Yah! I'll upload everyone to her contact list. Quit fussing!"

"Okay," you mutter while smiling against Yoongi's retreating mouth, unable to find anything more substantial to say despite it all lying in wait at the tip of your tongue all night. 

"We miss you," Yoongi says, pressing another kiss against your temple. "But we can wait if that is what you need."

Tears well and you fight the urge to sob. Not here, you tell yourself. Not now. You have already cried so much.

You hug everyone, even Seokjin and Hoseok. Jeongguk attempts to play it cool, but he stares at your lips the entire time, and you practically beg him to kiss you before ultimately letting him walk away. Jimin litters your cheeks and temples with loud, wet smooches, causing you to giggle and shriek. 

Taehyung asks about your medication, making your heart ache from his kindness. You briefly inform him that you have been having no dizzy spells, and he promises to send you more medication as soon as you are in Busan. 

Finally, Namjoon and Yoongi pull you into another three-way hug and take turns kissing your lips, cheeks, and forehead. They mutter soft, sweet phrases that you only make out the tones of, feeling the whooshing of your pulse as you begin to question whether you are making a huge mistake and should just grab your shit and go home. 

And then, all waving and clambering out the door haphazardly, they are gone, and the room is quiet. 

You sigh and glance around at the dregs of food and alcohol, feeling simultaneously full and empty in more ways than one. Tears fill the edges of your eyes, and you do your best not to blink, worried that any movement will cause them to spill. 

Ryujin sighs loudly. "Alright, well, this was fun and all, but I want to get fucking laid. You girls down for a night on the town?"

You glance down at your outfit, ready to complain, only you look good enough to go to a nightclub and find you have nothing to say to the contrary. You even wear a pair of cozy black ballet slippers, which you slid on while feeling unsure whether you could handle so many tumultuous emotions while wearing heels, and for that, you are grateful. 

"Sure," you utter while turning to Hwasa, who has a drunk but devious grin tugging on her lips. Her smile widens and she claps excitedly.

The drive to the nightclub is long, and you are exhausted by the time you arrive, having been fading in and out of a stupor. You feel more drunk than you had earlier, and you are tempted to suggest taking a cab back to the hideout alone. Of course, that would never fly. You can already hear Ryujin singing buddy system in your head.

Hwasa eagerly pulls you from the back of the car and chuckles as she rubs her fingertips along the edge of your hairline and says, "Poor sleeping beauty. We'll get you something that will wake you up, okay?"

You respond with a halfhearted smile and nod, and she takes your hand in hers and yanks you to the door, not bothering to stop for the security guard who, to your surprise, makes no move to stop you either. Inside, loud bass-heavy club music plays, and you are led through a series of hallways until you enter a large room full of the rest of Ryujin's girls and a group of men. 

The room is dark and somewhat hazy, lit by strips of purple lights along the ceiling and floor. Short two or three-person sofas line the mirrored walls and are dispersed throughout the space, most of which are occupied. On tables set beside each sofa are bottles of champagne and piles of cocaine, with glasses large and small scattered throughout and topped with small lamps that emit very little light.

Ryujin approaches a man sitting amidst the chaos by himself, sitting hunched over with his elbows on his knees, thumbing through his cell phone. You are curious whether these men are people she knows, and you watch to see how familiar she is with the lone man, but Hwasa steps in your line of vision and takes your chin in both of her hands. 

"Coke?" she asks. 

You want to say no, proud of yourself for being off the shit for as long as you have been away from home. But you are certain that without it, you will not survive this night, so you nod and allow yourself to be tugged further into the room, to an unoccupied table. 

"Don't worry, this is from our stash," Hwasa says as she picks up a discarded rolled-up 100-dollar Taiwanese bill and tightens it between her finger and thumb. "Moon and Solar were in charge of overseeing the distribution process."

You mutter, "How generous," doing your best to smile, and watch as Hwasa snorts a small pile into one nostril and then the other. When she hands the bill to you, you take in a deep, slow breath, and let it out, then lean forward to snort from the edge of the pile first into your left nostril and then your right.

As you let the bill fall to the table and tip your head back, sniffing in again on each side, you ask, "Does Ryujin know these men?"

"Mmhmm," Hwasa hums as she fills two glasses with champagne and hands one to you. "A few of these guys worked at Paradise while I was there, and some of them are from Serendipity. Maybe you know them."

"Oh," you say, pulling the glass to your lips but stopping to ask, "How did they end up here?"

Hwasa purses her lips and tilts her head, making a show of how hard she is trying to conjure the answer to your question. Then her eyes widen and she says, "Oh! Some guy started to come around to Serendipity and just sort of gathered the rest of these guys up as, like, a posse. I don't really know what they do, to be honest, but they always dress up in matching suits and cover their faces, which is creepy as hell."

Your stomach tenses, and you feel too anxious to turn your head to the left and figure out who Ryujin is talking to. Although you know that there is absolutely no way in hell it is Christian, something about the description of the men reminds you of his men, and you begin to wonder whether there really was credence to Yoongi's worry surrounding the possibility of Christian being on this island.

"What's his name?" you ask, voice barely loud enough to be heard over the music. 

"Hmm?" Hwasa asks into her champagne glass as she leans closer. 

You begin to glance over to where Ryujin and the man are, but your heart pounds so hard, you worry you might be sick if you see him. 

"The man who gathered all the guys, from Serendipity, " you say, leaning closer. 

"What's his name?"

"Oh," Hwasa says, taking a slow slip of her champagne while her wide, dark eyes stare past you. She blinks owlishly, then pulls the glass from her lips and says, "He has a nickname…Insanity? Something like that."

Unable to stop yourself, your head flies to the left, searching the features of the man whose lap Ryujin has claimed with her legs. His nose is sharp and somewhat hooked, and it is not a familiar shape. Worried, you glance around the room, but there is no sign of Christian, as far as you can tell. 

"Something the matter?" Hwasa asks, touching fingertips to your arm and making you nearly drop your glass of champagne. 

You must look frantic when you turn back to her, based on the fear that pulls at her pretty features. You blink and wet your lips, shaking your head. Unconvincingly, judging by the way her brows knit and she continues to stare at you. 

"I just..." you swallow thickly and glance around the room once more, slowly scanning every face you can see. "I just thought he sounded familiar."

Hwasa makes a small sound, and you scan several more faces before returning your gaze to her and asking, "Huh?"

"It's just," she says, uncertain, "well, I heard he was previously working on Jeongguk's team, back when he was a drug runner. So…maybe he is familiar?"

Something is not adding up. Although Seokjin mentioned that he has kept Christian around to do whatever he pleases, it seems odd that he would be known to these women as someone who was once part of Jeongguk's team. As you recall from the day you were taken to the mansion, he did not seem to perform his drug-running duties to Yoongi's liking. Did Seokjin keep him on Jeongguk's team even after that day? Could he have had something to do with the group of men Jeongguk massacred with kunai knives for fucking him over?

You stare at your glass of champagne trying to make all the pieces fit, but it feels like you are missing a huge chunk of information. 

Hands touch your shoulders, causing you to jump. You mutter, "Shit," under your breath at the same time Ryujin's high, somewhat mocking laughter fills your left ear. 

"So sorry to scare you, pretty darling," she slurs, sounding quite inebriated. 

"Don't worry about it," you say, attempting to loosen your posture. Ryujin's hands remain on your shoulders and you do not want her to feel how tense you are. But then she squeezes your shoulders and you close your eyes, this time succeeding in relaxing. 

"How do you feel after such an emotional dinner?"

"Good," you respond while her thumbs circle over your muscles. You wonder whether she is the reason Hwasa always gives massages. Or perhaps it is the other way around. "And, I don't know. I guess also conflicted. Homesick."

Ryujin's hands fall away and she rests her chin on your left shoulder, loosely wrapping her arms around yours and pinning yours to your sides. Hwasa busies herself pouring a third glass of champagne. 

"You really like them, hmm?" Ryujin asks. 

"Yeah," you say, possibly too quiet for how loud the music in this room is. "Most of them, anyway."

The last part is a joke. You like Seokjin and Hoseok just fine, but you are certainly not as close to them as you are to the others. Taehyung, too, for that matter, although he has had the pleasure of watching his boyfriend rail you, which has formed its own kind of bond between the two of you. 

"What is your relationship with the guys?" she asks. 

Hwasa hands her a glass, and she releases her hold on you and takes it, muttering a soft, "Thank you." 

You turn to face Ryujin. Although you still hesitate to become too close to her, you do feel comfortable in her presence, all things considered. If Yoongi is willing to trust her again, then perhaps you should be, too. 

"Yoongi, Namjoon, and I are a thing." After a pause, you add, "And…sort of Jeongguk."

Ryujin's mouth falls open and she gasps. "I need to know more!"

You feel your cheeks become hot, and you pick up your glass of champagne, which Hwasa has filled. But rather than explain, you ask something that has been on your mind for a while.

"Before, when you and Yoongi were together, was Namjoon…" Unsure how to finish the sentence, you trail off. Luckily, Ryujin knows just what you mean. 

She nods. "Yes. Romantically, those two have always been the closest. Namjoon and I were never super physical. We were just very, very comfortable around one another because of Yoongi."

Interesting. You suppose this makes sense, remembering a conversation between you and Jimin a while back when he told you about how marrying Ryujin was a means to an end more than anything else. 

"Yoongi and I were meant to bring two families together. And, don't get me wrong, we were physically and emotionally attracted to one another. But we also had more fulfilling relationships on the side. For Yoongi, it was Namjoon."

"And for you?" you ask before you can stop yourself. 

Ryujin smiles wide, but then it falls to a frown. She shakes her head. "Doesn't matter. Nobody you know."

You nod and accept her answer. You suppose that perhaps the two of you are not that close, yet. In tandem, you and Ryujin raise your glasses to drink. But then she yells, "Oh!" and you startle enough to nearly spill your champagne onto yourself. "Jeongguk, though! What happened with him?"

You tip your head back and chug the rest of your bubbly. It is truly miserable to drink quickly, and you instantly regret your decision, feeling the carbonation sloshing around in your guts. 

"We, uh…" you begin, feeling shy. Why do you feel shy?

"You should see those two," Hwasa interjects, causing your face to heat even more. "They bicker like children but then circle one another like feral animals. I can only imagine their chemistry behind closed doors."

Affronted, your mouth falls wide. "We what? No we do not!"

Hwasa nods, grinning. "Yes, you do! I thought the two of you were fucking for sure when I first started working for Jimin. I was shocked to learn Jeongguk was with Taehyung and you were with Yoongi."

"And Namjoon," Ryujin supplies. 

Hwasa's grin widens. 

You raise your hands to your face as if to hide. This day has been exhausting, and these two are giggling at your expense like a couple of school girls. 

"Oh, stop," Hwasa says as one of your hands is tugged down from your face. You open just the one eye, keeping the other closed tight behind your palm. "Everyone wants a piece of your ass. Don't be shy about it! Embrace it."

With a sigh, you shake your head. "Not everyone," you groan, feeling defensive.

"Everyone with eyes," Ryujin says, waggling her eyebrows while Hwasa makes kissy noises. "I would shoot my shot if you weren't already so taken."

Hwasa nods and says, "Me too!"

Suddenly, it is too warm and too loud in here. "I need a stronger drink!" you declare, making both women laugh. 

You take a step back and turn, moving in autopilot toward the door before realizing you have no idea where you are nor where a bar in this building is. 

Ryujin takes your right hand and yanks you gently back, sing-songing, "Ah, ah, ah, not by yourself."

"Alright," you concede, interlocking your fingers with hers. As you begin to walk toward the exit, your left hand is engulfed and you glance to find Hwasa is coming along. 

You exit the mirrored room and turn right, taking a dark hallway about halfway and then turning right once more, through a thick black curtain that is guarded by two men on the other side. There is a bar directly to the right, and Ryujin tugs you to the counter and orders a bottle of whiskey that you do not catch the name of. 

With a nod, the bartender grabs an unopened bottle from a high shelf and then delicately stacks three medium-sized glasses. Hwasa takes the glasses, Ryujin takes the whiskey, and your hands remain held by both of theirs. 

Back in the mirrored room, you return to the table off to the right, toward the back. The girls release your hands to pour three drinks, and you fidget by pinching the satin of your skirt between your thumbs and knuckles, suddenly feeling antsy. 

"Cheers," Ryujin declares as she slides a drink in front of you. You take it, hold it up, and tap it against their glasses, then pull it to your lips and smell the strong, bittersweet liquid before taking a sip. 

The potent, boozy caramel flavor that you have come to expect is accented by a hint of something earthy, possibly wood. You take a bigger drink, hold it on your tongue, allowing your taste buds to open and fully experience the onslaught as they adjust, and then you swallow it down. 

"Tomorrow, we return to Busan," Ryujin says for the second time tonight as the whiskey flows down into your chest, filling you with warmth. You look forward to being at a proper home rather than on some random floor in a balmy, empty building. 

"I'm looking forward to seeing your home," you say, sounding far more meek than you intend to.

"I'm looking forward to hosting you."

Hwasa leans her elbows on the table and says, "You finally get to have your own room. That is, of course, unless you want to stay with me."

The playful smile on Hwasa's face, paired with her tired and intoxicated bloodshot eyes is almost enough to make you melt. Almost enough to make you follow her into any room she wants to lead you into. 

When you shrug and say, "Honestly, I may be too lonely to sleep alone," you are being brutally honest, and not all all flirtatious. 

"I can even decorate it like your room in the mansion," Ryujin says. "Is it still yellow?"

Her words halt your movement of lifting your glass back to your lips. "How did you know that?"

Ryujin rolls her eyes and says, "Please, nothing about that man has changed, down to the way he likes to outfit you. It's exactly as it was seven years ago."

Bile swirls around in your tummy, and you set the glass down on the mirrored table with a clank that is louder than you intend. Could that be true? Is Yoongi really outfitting you in the same fashion he was outfitting her all those years ago. 

Hwasa clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and swats at Ryujin's arm, muttering, "Mother, don't say things like that to her," under her breath. 

You shake your head, determined to not show how strange the information makes you feel. But Ryujin turns, pouts dramatically, and wraps her arms around you. 

"Oh, sweetie, I don't mean to suggest he was trying to turn you into a second me. He just seems to have the same tastes and fashion sense, is all. Trust me, he loves you way more than he could ever love me. I can tell."

You have no idea whether Ryujin is being truthful or trying to make you feel better, but you decide that either way, you see no use in dwelling on it. You are going to be living under her roof for the foreseeable future, and becoming upset whenever she says something a little too blunt, snippy, or insensitive is not going to get you anywhere. 

With a nod, you say, "I know. Don't worry." But it only makes her squeeze you tighter. 

"Just look at his bullshit excuse for taking you home with him," she says. "Collateral, my ass."

What an odd statement. You ask, "What do you mean?" But what you really mean to say is what do you know?

"The man takes you as so-called payment from your ex but then spends millions of dollars on a wardrobe, an armored vehicle, the most lavish birthday party in all of Seoul. Make it fucking make sense!"

Ryujin releases the hug, and as soon as you are free, you slam back your whiskey and pick up the 100-dollar bill, squeezing it tighter into a tube. Ryujin whoops and claps as you lean close and snort from the edge of the cocaine pile into your left nostril and then your right. 

"Mommy needs some, too," she says as she takes the bill from your hand and leans forward. 

You tip your head back and raise a knuckle to each nostril, sniffing deeply to make sure none of the drug is stuck inside your nose cavity, then you stand up straight, stretching your back by pushing forward your chest, and reach for the bottle of whiskey. 

"Partying so hard without me?" a male voice asks from behind you, and you nearly drop the bottle. 

The tone, the accent, and the cadence all confirm your fears are true.

"Christian?" you mutter as you spin, and you almost do not believe your eyes. 

From the expression he wears and the way his gaze falls to the floor, eyes widening as they lift to your face, you wager he also cannot believe his. 

Christian steps forward and you take a step back, elbow hitting the table and causing you to grip tighter to the bottle of whiskey. 

"Barom-oppa!" Ryujin shouts as she pounces on Christian, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

"Hey there, dearie," he says, lifting his arms to return the hug, never taking his eyes off you. 

Christian looks somewhat normal compared to the last time you saw him, with a white and red floral button-up tucked into black slacks, and a black leather blazer. His hair has some product in it to give it a slightly messy style, falling in front of his eyes, and he wears minimal makeup. 

But there is a darkness to him. Smudges around the eyes rather than clean lines, tattoos on his throat and neck. On his left hand, he wears a black leather driving glove, and across his nose is a red scuff, as if he has been punched. Under the rich musk that fills the air around him, you sense the stale smell of cigarette smoke, and he has silver hoops in his ears and one in his left nostril. 

A lot has changed about Christian in the months since you have known him. 

Ryujin releases their hug and takes a step back, causing Christian to look down at himself and rub his hands down the front of his jacket as if her tiny body could have somehow managed to do anything to the leather. Then he stands up straight and shakes his head to the side just enough for his hair to move out from in front of his eyes, and you realize that his left eye is completely white. Is it…missing? 

"Oh my god, your eye!" you shout, lunging forward before you can stop yourself and raising your left hand toward his face while your right hand nearly drops the whiskey bottle once more. 

Christian takes your wrist in his gloved hand and holds firmly onto you, and your entire body flushes hot with nerves as you realize the mistake you have made. The way his gaze holds onto you, even with only one dark iris and pupil, is piercing and intense, and you attempt futility to pull your hand away. 

"Funny story how I lost that," he says, expression pulling into a strange, sad grin. He leans close, nicotine on his breath as he says, "I'll have to tell you some time."

You pull on your arm, desperate to release it, but his grip is far stronger than you remember. Should you be afraid of this man?

"Christian," you begin, glancing from your hand to his face. 

"Perhaps over drinks, some time," he continues. "Just the two of us."

You nod, willing to lie to him if it means letting you go. Panic rises as you continue to take stock of how different he is from the man you used to know. 

Ryujin takes the whiskey from your hand, sets it on the table, and then grabs his hand in both of hers as she says, "Alright, that is enough of that. I need you two to play nice."

The room returns to view, and you remember why you are here and who you are with. You realize belatedly that these two not only know each other but that they are friendly with one another. 

"Wait," you say, turning to Ryujin, "you told Yoongi—"

"Look, I lied to him," she says, cutting you off. 

Your mouth falls open and your pulse whooshes in your ears. "You…but…" Could she possibly know what she has done by bringing the two of you together? "Why?"

Ryujin chuckles and steps close to Christian, placing her dainty, manicured hands over his chest. "Oppa is harmless. You know that! And Yoongi…well, he's paranoid. Trust me, darling. Nothing bad will happen to you."

You are not so sure you are convinced, but you know that freaking out will do nobody any good. Especially when you are so far away from home. You are not eager to show any more weakness to any of these people. Especially the one they call Mister Insanity. 

Someone shouts for Christian, using the name Barom, and you turn quickly back to the table. Your glass contains more whiskey, courtesy of one of the women, you assume, and you pick up the glass with shaking hands and slam it down, then reach for the bottle again. 

Intoxication roils through you in hot waves, and you squeeze your eyes closed to take a deep breath in and out before shooting more whiskey. A small hand touches your lower back, and you wish you were curled up in a bed all by yourself, far away from these people and this music. You are tired of being touched.

"I know it's weird to see an ex," Ryujin says. "Sorry for surprising you like this. He told me he wouldn't be around tonight."

"How did he lose his eye?" you ask, focused on the wrong thing as you turn to face Ryujin. You tremble so hard that your teeth clatter. 

Her smile falls to a frown and she shakes her head. "That isn't my story to tell."

You nod, accepting her answer, and turn to Hwasa, who watches you with a concerned expression. You mouth the word, "Bathroom?" and she nods and rounds the table, taking you by the arm. 

"Down the hall to the left," Ryujin says. 

As you walk through the room, you squint, attempting to ignore all the movement in the mirrors in your periphery. It's too much. Everything is too much. 

The darkness of the hallway is a blessing and a curse, relieving you from the chaos of the private room while introducing challenges of its own; it is almost too dark and somewhat claustrophobic. 

You stumble and Hwasa's hold on you tightens. She picks up the pace and leads you straight into a single-stall bathroom, then turns on a light that is thankfully relatively dim. The moment she closes and locks the door, you stumble forward, fall to your knees on the rough tile before the toilet, and vomit the contents of your stomach. 

Your mind races with myriad thoughts, but one is the loudest of them all: What the fuck is Christian doing here?

*

Oh, oh, I broke down all my doors Oh, do you see it now? Nothing was fixed at all

I never asked to be like this

🎵 visit the playlist

hello, hello!!! we meet again!!! i hope you have all been having great middle of the year months! things have been ok for me but i have been reading a lot more than i have been writing. how did you feel about this one??? it is a little slower, as it is setting the stage for the final chapters. any guess how things are going to go? how do we feel about the new (and returned) characters??? it felt really nice to writing Jimin into the scene again. 💜 i'll be honest, describing Ryujin & the Mamamoo girls laying on the rugs and blankets made me think of Quanxi and her harem of fiends from Chainsaw Man.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!! REBLOGS ARE IMPORTANT BLAHBLAHBLAH LIKES ARE ALSO AMAZING AND SO ON. 💜 tags will be coming in reblogs. also, character asks are always active if you have some burning questions or comments (just don't expect me to outright spoil anything hehehe.)

i love you, stay hydrated!!! if you are somewhere with a heatwave, stay cool!!! 😘😘😘 until we meet again!!!

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Collateral is copyright 2022-2024 theharrowing, all rights reserved. no translations of reposts allowed.

[gabby-i-guess]

how can I tell if I have ADHD?

Hey tumblr friend!

Obligatory disclaimer: I'm not a psychiatrist, so take my thoughts with a pinch of salt. But! I have ADHD, I have learned a lot about neurodiversity, and I (almost) have a degree in health promotion. So my thoughts aren't total bullshit either lol

This is a long one, so if you're going to skip through it I understand, but at least read the last 2 paragraphs. That's the most important bit x

I think the biggest red flag for me was never feeling quite right. It didn't matter my friend group, didn't matter my school, didn't matter how hard I tried or how good my grades were - I always felt like a puzzle piece that fit just well enough to finish the puzzle but just badly enough to feel perpetually uncomfortable. And this didn't go away over time - I got more comfortable in myself, but never felt like the world quite had a place for me.

Although I didn't realise it at the time, another big red flag was that all of my best friends and all 3 of my high school boyfriends had ADHD. If you take a look around you at all of the people you connect with and they mostly have ADHD/autism, you probably do too.

And then of course there are the actual individual symptoms. Here's a rundown of what I experienced:

Mental illness, especially early in life and/or triggered by nothing in particular

Dissociation, which in my case hid lots of my sensory issues

Intense interest in hobbies for a relatively short period of time, between a week and a few months, then completely forgetting about them

Tiredness, ALWAYS, regardless of how much I slept

Trouble sleeping (including poor sleep quality)

Easily distracted from most tasks

Impossible to distract from very specific tasks

Forgetful, except for randomly specific things (e.g. song lyrics were seered into my brain word for word, but I forgot my sports uniform more times than I'd care to admit)

Perpetually disorganised

Or extremely organised for a short period of time, then somehow managed to disorganise myself again

Always late, no matter how hard I tried

Trouble with food (over eating, comfort eating, body image issues)

Easily made superficial friendships, struggled to make deep, long-lasting connections

Always labelled gifted but always told I wasn't reaching my potential

Very creative and imaginative

Very emotional, tending towards big mood swings (in fact, one psych thought I might be bipolar. Nah bro, just the ADHD :) )

Intense but unstable friendships (that is one of the symptoms that can look like BPD)

Weirdly specific habits/rituals/routines, with irritation but not distress if they were disrupted (for example, I always drank a specific bottle full of water with berocca every morning for 6 months. If I didn't have the bottle on hand, it was annoying, but I wouldn't get upset. Having said that, it did mean that I would forget to drink water all day and become very dehydrated)

Becoming bored/depressed every 6-12 months if nothing major in my life changed. This could be fixed by moving my furniture around. Or moving country. Or breaking up with my boyfriend. Or dyeing my hair. These were all pretty much the same to me

Executive dysfunction - as in, wanting to do something really, really bad but your brain just not letting you

Obsessive skin picking that frequently resulted in open, bleeding wounds

Feeling like I never had my shit together, right from age 12

Teachers noticed a lot of these too. My school reports are littered with evidence of my ADHD, starting from literally age 3... and yet no one ever picked up on it. Here are some examples:

"Gabby is a very bright girl, but needs to work on her organisation skills."

"Gabby has lots of friends, but needs to find better times to socialise."

"Gabby has a strong sense of right and wrong, and is frequently correcting her classmates."

"Although Gabby is sitting on a B in my class currently, if she paid a little more attention in class, she could easily be getting an A."

"Gabby's work is always thoughtful and interesting, but would often benefit from a final proofread before submission."

"Gabby often makes careless mistakes in her work, which brings her marks down."

All of this might not help you. After all, every person with ADHD looks a little different. But there is one thing I, a diagnosed ADHDer, can tell you that will help: you are welcome in ADHD spaces. Self-diagnosis is not ideal. But diagnosis is often a privilege, and not accessible to many people. Don't let anyone make you feel excluded because you don't have a diagnosis. If you find it helpful to consider yourself an ADHDer, to look for resources for ADHDers, to use tips and tricks for ADHDers, then it doesn't actually matter whether you're diagnosed or not. You're not faking - you're making do with what you have.

Sending you lots of love and strength Tumblr friend - all the best in your journey, wherever it takes you ❤️

[notebookmusical]

Hi!!! This ask will probably be all over the place but I wanted to reply! Sorry it's kinda late..like not right away like I hoped but I also wanted to give the tracks a few more listens before saying my opinion. I also meant to send one before 9 simply saying enjoy listening! But then I didn't wanna risk any lyric spoilers since it was already like 9:30..lol. I actually did not get around listening to it until midnight.

I would love a live album of surprise songs on tour, and I like the version of Cruel Summer on tour when she adds the with you near the end. I love mosaic broken hearts too..I think the whole song flows really well but I love the beat and drums of the original over the acoustic. She also doesn't really have another song that sounds like it. I was also shocked there weren't as many mashups on tour, but I do like how it is. I also did not expect her to go era by era but I think that might be a reason there's less mashups too. The tour is almost more theatrical than previous tours and that's something I like about it.

Holly's album is good but I also think Cocoon is one of my favorites after hearing it more and I can't believe I didn't list that one. The OC lyric really stands out lol. Maybe I confused it with another song at first but I mostly agree with you about the album and I do like all the songs. Idk when I will hear it again though with 1989 out.

Haha I did hear that about Jordan Fisher a lot too so I hope he can handle the role. I liked him from what I heard from him in Dear Evan Hansen and Sweeney Todd but Orpheus is pretty different vocally, but I hope he's good. When are you seeing it on tour? I loved the Come From Away proshot so I hope you get a chance to watch it sometime. I'm sure Sara is amazing since she wrote the music so I hope to watch it. I think Newsies will always be my favorite proshot though lol. I do not know much about the little women musical actually and am having a hard time imagining it as a musical lol. If you like it, it's probably a pretty good adaptation though. With Gatsby, I think it's hard cuz I just read the reviews of people that went apparently and everyone will like different things so idk if it makes that much of a difference yet. I totally relate to not watching a lot though..cuz my sister and I were just looking at a list of musicals we watched..like bootlegs or movies, and there was only like 5 or 6 including live performances in the last year and a half..lol.

So the book I started the other day was Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow..cuz I read you were not liking it and I wanted to see what I thought. Idk how much that you read but I only read 2 chapters and the main thing that stuck out to me was it being in 3rd person. That will take getting used to for me cuz I honestly can't remember the last time I read a book in 3rd person lol. But if you don't like it so far, then I will start and focus on the Night Circus..but I actually think thats in 3rd person too haha. Ooh maybe I will try to find The Starless Sea cuz I do like reading authors books at the same time and comparing them. Which one is your favorite out of the two? I will try to keep that in mind about the timeline..thank you for letting me know!

I do love the Midnight Rain part of the show with the umbrellas so I don't mind it on the setlist. It did remind me of the How You Get the Girl performance from the 1989 tour..which was one of my favorites! I do think Midnights and 1989 are definitely the most similar more than rep or Lover but I can't really explain why. This became clear with the vault tracks in a way too..based on sound. But we actually listened to Maisie first! This vault it seemed clear why songs were left out. I didn't have an obvious favorite and some of the songs seemed a little off from verse to chorus..like they just didn't flow well, but I really enjoyed the last two songs which almost had an older Maisie style. Unfortunately I've only heard these songs once so far, so my opinions could change. What did you think?

I think this rerecording is one of the best cuz I can barely hear a lot of differences in the original songs. Like How You Get the Girl Shake it Off and I Know Places seem pretty identical to me, but I wouldn't look for differences that much either. I did notice the blank space drum seems pretty loud and noticeable throughout the song when I heard it again. I listened on shuffle and I think it really worked for 1989.

Omg you were right about the coffee lyric being from is it over now?! These songs actually did have a slower dreamy sound more than I thought..which was surprising to me. At first, the songs didn't feel that 1989 to me for that reason, but they also did in a way. Now that We Don't Talk kinda sounded like I Wish You Would and Is it Over Now definitely reminds me of Our of the woods. So the order I heard the songs in, mixed between original songs, were Now that we don't Talk, Say Don't Go, Suburban Legends, Slut! And Is it Over Now..and I wonder if that affected my impressions. Honestly I did not have an immediate favorite..like how I pretty much liked Speak Now vaults instantly..so maybe the sound just threw me off at first. I've still been listening on shuffle and it seems like they do fit 1989 after more listens and have grown on me. My favorites are "Slut and Say Don't Go and Suburban Legends. Slut is the dreamy sound I was predicting but I didn't think it would be this song lol but I love it! Then Say Don't Go does sound kinda like a slow 80s ballad too with more listens. Suburban Legends was a fun upbeat song and still different than the original album. Now that we Don't Talk has grown on me with more listens and I really like the way she sings some parts of the song. I was most surprised or disappointed with Is it Over Now. Some of that is lyrics that shocked me but the song is just okay.I think cuz I was expecting some deeper song like Clean and it did not fit as a closer at all, even if she said why she chose it there. It felt short and even after a few listens, I have a hard time remembering it..but I do think it's very 1989. One of my favorite songs ever is called I Know it's over by the Smiths and maybe I was expecting something like that based on the title and this was not that at all..there's no longing in the song either so I was wrong based on the coffee lyric..but its growing on me more. Okay what did you think???

Yes I play it daily with my family and sometimes it's hard but other times it's easier. That could be cuz I have help though. Is it mostly easy for you or sometimes difficult? I also do wordle spelling bee and the mini. Well I don't really have any plans since I went to Les Mis last week so This weekend I might just watch a few sort of spooky movies, not scary, before Halloween and listen to 1989TV of course!!! What are your plans? I hope you have a great weekend friend! 🩷

hi hi friend!! i hope you had a good weekend! did you watch any good movies? i am not a scary movie watcher, but i did really enjoy happy death day, which i watched with my friend jamie a while ago! my weekend was okay, just hectic, but i didn't get a ton of time to read as a result!

i love the way she says PROVE IT in the eras film/in that audio; it scratches an itch in my brain haha. the other day i literally had "PROVE IT" stuck in my head, not even any cruel summer lyric, just the specific way she said PROVE IT. i do agree it feels a lot more theatrical than other ones (except maybe speak now)! i also didn't expect her to go era by era, but i'm glad that she did!

"i've been paralyzed for more than a week but don't let you scare you this is fairly routine" and "i've become a taxidermy version of myself" are some of my favorite lyrics on the album; it's why i immediately latched onto cocoon, i think (although i had heard a snippet of cocoon earlier and had already loved it).

i'm seeing hadestown on tour next saturday! i am just so, so excited!! this is going to be my mom's first time seeing it, so i hope she likes it! i haven't watched a bunch of bootlegs lately, but i do have some saved that i've been meaning to watch!

i really struggled with tomorrow x3 — i don't know why! i am fine with 3rd person, but i just really struggled with that one. night circus and starless sea are both in 3rd person — and i love them both a LOT! they do take some time to get into though, so take your time!! the starless sea is my favorite out of the two, but the night circus is more romantasy!

i loveeeeeed the maisie vaults! i've been listening to them nonstop, i think my ranking is: yoko → truth is → the last one → the song → holy revival → guy on a horse but i love all of them!! holy revival definitely grew on me, i was worried i wouldn't like it but i actually love it! i also miss older maisie music; i wonder if she'll ever release some of the things she's teased :( (probably not, but one can hope)

i was also surprised by "slut!"; i think everyone was! i think my favorite is now that we don't talk, or suburban legends, or is it over now? but i'm not really sure — i wasn't immediately attached to any songs like i was fearless vault, red vault or speak now vault, and i've mostly been listening to good witch deluxe! the way she sings "oh lorddddd" is so good! i was also expecting something more similar in sound to clean, or this love, and was surprised by the sounds but it is growing on me a lot more!

sometimes it's difficult! i usually do it right when i wake up — or if i wake up in the middle of the night — but sometimes i'll look at it and just close out of the tab and forget to do it till later, if i do! i used to do wordle but haven't in a while, and sometimes i'll do the spelling bee or the mini if i'm bored but i am definitely more of a sudoku girlie than i am a crossword one!

hope you have a good week ahead 🤍 🤍