#or the fact I am so depressed i can't feel basic emotions anymore

[courteunuchofdelaware]

I just broke up with my partner of 4 years, and I just feel absolutely numb.

[frogizz]

Jin Ling, man I pity the kid.

The Untamed Spoilers (Up to Episode 47)

*I haven't read the novel, I will update this when I do. Also, this is a rant, not some analysis, so this is heavily opinionated on what I just binge watched for the past week.*

Dead parents, raised during a time after war but during the corruption and manipulation lead by his own clan, his clan leader being human scum without him even knowing, his martial uncle being the one to have had killed his parents, bullied because of him being an orphan, raised by his maternal uncle who can't handle his emotions well either.

This kid gave me the impression of an arrogant spoiled kid who always let uncle take care of the messes he creates. But Jin Ling has impressed me and made me feel so bad for his character. He's just a teen, so of course he's going to act like a bit of a brat and be super emotional. But, him being emotional is explained and a little justified. Not just the trauma and the bullying explains and justifies it but so does the fact that he was practically raised by Jiang Cheng, the guy not well known for keeping his temper in check.

Jin Ling gets aggressive and easily on the defense because that's how he had to be his entire life. Emotionally defensive and physically defensive. He especially gets this way with Wei Wuxian, obviously because of what he's been told all his life. That Wei Wuxian is basically the root of all of his problems, he's the one that killed his parents, so he's the cause of all of his trauma right? (I have a separate rant for how I think Wei Wuxian is only half responsible for that).

But, as Jin Ling had an inkling of an idea that Mo Xuanyu was actually Wei Wuxian, he still interacted with him in a somewhat civil way, helping him and defending him, because he was never really hurt directly by him. After finding out that it really was Wei Wuxian, Jin Ling stabs him, as a way to get revenge? Feel justice?

And everything that unfolds after that, both Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng feel conflicted, they want to be mad at Wei Wuxian, they want to still believe that their anger, their grief, their feelings overall are justified, that the impression they've had of this man for years is what they really think. I mean, it's pretty hard to truly believe someone you thought of as a nasty, disgusting, manipulating, lying, malicious killer would actually be a responsible, caring, thoughtful, and very self-sacrificing individual. Of course Jiang Cheng knows all of that, but he can't just let go of the first hand experiences he's had with him all of his life.

Meanwhile, Jin Ling, he's so conflicted with how to feel because what he's been told all of his life is contrasting heavily with what he's personally experienced.

Also, the scene where Wen Ning is trying to see if Lan Sizhui is really Wen Yuan most likely made Jin Ling very cautious, aggressive, angry, and depressed because he was maybe jealous. Jealous that he can't have a nice, touching family reunion like how he did. Well, also because Wen Ning was also the direct cause of his father's death, but besides that, the scene probably felt like a huge slap in the face.

Jin Ling's family history isn't perfect, but he at least has two family members who are willing to protect him and keep him safe (I am of course including Wei Wuxian even though I know he isn't blood family or even considered Jiang Cheng's brother anymore).

I just wish him the best, I wish this kid can learn how to cope better with all of his trauma, that he can grow up to know the full truth about what had all went down.

When he broke down crying in front of everyone, all I wanted to do was jump into the screen and hug him, comfort him. This kid seriously needs a therapist.

[misfit-among-the-angels]

A rant about my sister and her inability to understand me and my issues (especially mental health stuff). Putting in under "read more" because it's gonna be huge wall of text.

I think after meeting i had yesterday with my sister i am really sure, like 100% that she is nowhere near better than the rest of this dysfunctional family. Yes she might understand SOMETHING better but that's about it.

First of all, she absolutely invalidates me, doesn't believe i have trauma and tries to downplay it. "Everyone has some traumatic experiences"... Yea right... But not everyone gets to be severely mentally ill. Every time i tried to bring trauma as a cause for stuff she'd say something like "maybe BUT it could be...". I haven't talked with anyone who tried this fucking hard to downplay my trauma and abuse. Usually people say upfront and it is easier to deal with those and with how my sister does it. Also the fact that she believes that there aren't healthy people and everyone has some sort of mental issues says a lot because she literally downplays how severely mentally ill i am. Maybe it's her projecting or maybe it's just her brain trying to save her from her own shit idk. But it fucking sucks.

Of course i wasn't surprised when she didn't understand bpd even when i tried to explain splitting and shit. Not surprised because most people in this fucking country has no knowledge of bpd or of personality disorder in general. When i tried to explain it, her response was "but your personality is great and who cares if it's disordered and why it has to be like that". BITCH IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING PERSONALITY DISORDER THAT'S WHY. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Idk why it's so hard to understand that personality disorders exist and idk why it's so hard to understand the concept of it. Then after i explained splitting she was like "well even people without disorders and mental health issues can be driven to do crazy shit and act in similar ways". 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Then she absolutely does not understand what disassociation is and how it feels because what she described from her side isn't disassociation but more like bottling up emotions and stuff.

Then what really makes me so fucking angry and annoyed is how she said that she knows me so well. NO SHE DOESN'T. We barely talk on daily basis, we mostly meet during holidays or random occasions like this. She lives not with me and bitch mother anymore. How can she actually know me when we barely talk. That's right she can't. But wait, oh, i fucking forgot that she as also the rest of this dysfunctional family bases their knowledge on kid and teenage me and fails to update this version they have of me to current me so of course they think they know me well... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I fucking hate this shit.

And then the biggest and most annoying thing about that whole meeting and conversation with her is how she magically knows every single solution to every single mental health issue. And that solution is to write. 😂😂😂😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Yes, apparently if you write you will heal and shit and find every solution and it will also heal you from personality disorders and depression and ptsd and everything. 😂😂😂😂😂 Fucking hell. And what is even worse is how pushing she was about it. Like ok, I'd understand a suggestion of it but being pushy and forceful about your suggestion is absolutely wrong way to make someone even consider taking your suggestion or trying it out.

So yea, this is basically watered down version of what happened because there's so much shit I've heard from her. I was really expecting that she might have changed or something but i guess i expected too much from this shit family. And somehow i feel that i am only one sane and understanding person in this family so of course i am a black sheep. I do hope that she won't have any kids because this family and this fucking curse and shit needs to die.

I don't know maybe some of this was my fault, maybe i haven't explained well, i mean i suck at explaining and shit so maybe if it was someone else explaining stuff to her, maybe she would have understood better. 🤷‍♀️

[offlineblues]

blah blah just yapping about perception of friendship stuff and experience with autism's loneliness making it a struggle

i have issues with RSD due to my autism and sometimes i make myself sick with worry. aka it's the perceived rejection that may or may not exist regarding others and events. or things like not being included or not being invited or not feeling like i have been given permission to join in on things because my company wouldn't be enjoyed. and especially that my friendship isn't valued

it's not so much that the actual rejection really happens anymore as often as it did in the past, but rather... it is just an expectation. even if it doesn't happen, i'll expect it because of that spiral of thinking and past experience with isolation... which leads to some interpersonal issues on my end because i'll begin to convince myself that the other person or group of people must not care (generally untrue assumptions that depression worsens tenfold)

usually when i bring it up after thinking of a good way to say it (sometimes it isn't the best because i make mistakes and act impulsively as any human does when they feel emotional) and say "ah this is really irrational i apologize for verbalizing it but i don't want you to have to read my mind that i feel something is off and never let you know". and people have, almost every time, said everything was fine in a more specific way that i can understand... and then i stop worrying about it as much and can not feel like a burden. and i feel that things get back on the right track!

of course, there are some people it is safe to say these kinds of things to and some people who are not safe to say these things to because they probably wouldn't take it the right way or we never seemed close enough to talk to begin with. i don't really like ghosting people or just leaving if i feel that i can express it, so i'll make an effort if you want to make one too. y'know what i mean? it's not wrong to want friends or people to acknowledge and care about you. it's okay to be upfront and honest about what you experience and change the expectations if it's needed. that's no problem. i want to be fair in the end to those around me...

just... it's kind of the end of the road for me when i express those irrational feelings i have about communication and mutual desire to be around one another and someone basically confirms that... yes, they are in fact treating me differently than others, avoiding me, and/or don't wish to be around me. like, oh... we can just stop then. because i can't risk being triggered into a spiral over someone who said outright that they don't care and then don't ever try again, haha.

it really sucks trying to be social and feeling like you fail others somehow by being a failure yourself (because i already fail at being normal enough in general it feels like) i am masking so hard irl that i sometimes struggle to feel anything i do is good enough in the safe spaces i do have to be my authentic self

[metrovaliz]

Hello everyone, I haven't been here for a long time, I just don't know where else to tell everything that happened to me I mentioned in some posts that I have a girlfriend, or rather I was In general, I recently turned 18 and I went to my girlfriend's city, we had a good time , then I had to take the train home and everything seemed to be fine until they started ignoring me, disappearing at work , and then she tells me that she wants to take a break from social networks , I'm waiting for her return, in principle, I understand that what- it's not like that, but I'm not as worried as I was later. her friend writes to me, merges a lot of messages, it turns out that she had some kind of experiences and she does not know what to do with the relationship, I hear about it all for the first time as a result, I am very upset I was hysterical because of all this, I had restless dreams about her where she also does not answer me what happened in the end, the next day she appears and tells me that she saw me as a friend all this time and I'm like, why didn't they tell me about this before Like I'll get over it, I was rather sad because of the uncertainty and silence in which I was kept . In the end, we remained friends with the friend who leaked the messages, she decided to stop communicating, because of the drain and, in principle, he was obsessed with her and did not understand the concept of love only obsession and hated me because of jealousy, he also told her to die jokingly and when in response she said something like that, he said that he would kill himself in the end because of her desire to stop communicating with him, he swallowed a lot of pills trying to take his own life, as a result, he vomited them up And she decided not to end her communication with him because he had changed Every day it's so fucked up Basically, when I went to see her, I didn't feel any pleasure. As a result, I just want to go to a therapist. I did not go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, because I already went to a psychiatrist and I was canceled a course of antidepressants because I drank them for a year But depression has not completely left me, I just feel like I usually have a neutral mood, like I can still feel negative emotions, but not positive ones. Honestly, I'm just tired. Tired of constantly plowing and not getting any praise in the form of positive emotions, tired of failures in my personal life Now, in principle, it is difficult for me to perceive my otp after parting, i think look at my otp "love seems to exist only in fictional universes" or "is it for sure that my otp will not part as well?" Because of this, it is more difficult to draw pictures And in principle, I do not know what to live for, I have not received any reward for my efforts as emotions for many years, it also seems pointless to draw pictures I just want to be happy, at least to drown out the bad moments in my life with positive emotions that I don't have. I don't even hope that I'll ever meet a soulmate anymore. I don't even know how to react to this whole situation with a girl and her friend. I did everything according to the method that was advised to me in a mental hospital, but a year later I still can't get out of depression and the funny thing is that I have a mild but lingering depression, I can't imagine how difficult it is for people with severe depression, if I'm not so bad, but it's still hard for me In fact, relationships often end in breakups, these are my fifth in a row, and in principle it would be strange if the relationship started at my age of 17 and lasted until the end of my life, like this is a very unlikely outcome of events, in fact, my whole life is still ahead, but I have not felt any pleasure from life for a long time and the problem is that my depression was caused by loneliness, in principle, there was a series of very bad events in my life that led to this And in fact, I remained that hunted outcast Unfortunately, while I was being held in silence, I received letters with death wishes from a "fan" who had been friendly to me before

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[letsstartariot2002]

Into post this is pinned!

Hey guys! My name is Salem but please, unless we actually talk, call me Riot! My pronouns are(in order of preference): they/he/it/void/voids/voidself/entity/entity's! Please use all my pronouns not just one or two sets. If you don't know how to use my neos in a sentence here's an example. "Void is annoyed leave Void alone today" "That's entitys phone please don't touch it". My bestest bitch is @shatteredhope123 so if you see me insulting them or typing in all caps at them IT'S ALL JOKES, WE'VE KNOWN EACHOTHER FOR LIKE 6-7 YEARS. We also know eachother in real life. I'm transgender ftm, Polyamarous, Gay, Demisexual and Demiromantic but I'm HAPPILY TAKEN AND NOT LOOKING FOR ANYMORE PARTNERS. My partners are Sam(long distance), Cody(long distance), Berat(close distance), Carlo(Headspace alter), and Duff(headspace alter). I have DID, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety disorder, separation anxiety,social anxiety, and I suspect I may have some sort of anger disorder, so please use tone indicators when talking to me. If I don't answer you when you dm me, it means I'm socially drained or I just don't want to talk, so please respect that. I'm a furry, my fursona right now is a Pot dragon(closed species by Wikk Elam on Facebook, dm him if interested in owning one), and a grey Greek demigod cat named Skyler. I'm quite chill and laid back, until you piss me off that is. My hyperfixations right now are Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, Subnautica, God Of War, FNAF, Wings Of Fire, the backrooms/liminal spaces, and weed(not doing it, the different strains and different effects, basically learning about it). If you couldn't tell, I am in fact a stoner. I'm 21 years old and I'm choas. I like to watch memes, or stupid shit, play games, and call my friends or boyfriends(mainly Berat and Sam, but separately). I have many many ocs so feel free to ask me about my oc lore, I so badly want to lore dump but nobody will listen to me yap about a fictional grey cat I made way back in grade 7/8.

Here are my triggers and things I'm not comfy with so please don't talk about these to me or tag me in posts related to these:

-Anything to do with someone dating someone much much older(had someone try to pull that shit with me recently)

-Abusive parents(unless ur my bestie then vent all you want, okay? Or oc lore, oc lore is fine as it's fake)

-Abusive romantic relationships, even if it's fictional. I've been in to many of these to fucking count

-Obsessive behaviors(had to deal with this recently, please just don't I can't even if it's fictional)

-Anything that has to do with Native legends(the W, flesh pedestrians, I'm native and highly believe in them so please don't glorify these things)

-Zoophila or pedophila(U WILL BE BLOCKED AND CALLED THE FUCK OUT)

-petty furry drama. Fucking sick of ppl claiming colors and animals. Grow up.

-Metallica(the band, trauma reasons)

-do not mention these names to me as I knew ppl with these names and they gave me trauma: Aiden, Justin, Annah, Sam, Hayley, Makayla,Karlee,Scott, Collette, Leonard. If I see any of these names for my own sake I will either unfollow you or block you. I know it's just a name but you guys don't get how heightened emotions get with ADHD.

Here are my current interests so feel free to dm me and ask me about these:

-fnaf

-subnautica

-Disney dreamlight valley

-minecraft

-wings of fire

-Eragon

-weed in general

-bendy and the ink machine

-Venom

-Spyro the dragon

-Ratchet and Clank

-animal jam for both pc and mobile

-my ocs

Feel free to tag me in things related to my likes or something you'd think I'd like! I love knowing ppl thought of me! I'm still learning how Tumblr works so I'll try to be more active to learn how it works. If I don't credit art please remind me to as sometimes I get way too excited to post art I get. I have a job so please be understanding that if I dm you, it means I value you. I'm VERY tired after work and have to constantly fight sleep all fucking day. I'm not very mentally stable from being exhausted so please be gentle on me. But yeah! Below are me and my boyfriend Berat! The dragon is the pot dragon, his name is Bear and he's HEAVILY BASED OFF MY BF BERAT SO PLEASE DONT TAKE INSPIRATION FROM HIM WHATSOEVER. DO NOT STEAL HIM EITHER. Art of Bear is by MilkyManta on discord. If you see someone other than me using him, TELL ME ASAP. same with Skyler.

This be skyler. if you see someone using them, TELL ME ASAP.

This be Bear, if you see someone using him, TELL ME ASAP. Species is by Wikk Elam on Facebook, they are a CLOSED species. You MUST tell Wikk if you are interested in owning one, you also must be 18+. Wikk will provide you the link to the official discord server.

[feridsluver]

⚠️vent ⚠️

Tbh, I am not sure how I feel about certain situations. I am used to become numb to several feelings but at this point I feel like a lot has been erased. It's like there's nothing. I am not sure if I call this an improvement but I am relieved that most feelings that cause a depressive episode don't happen anymore. And I hate that. I hate that because of my emotional instability I can't have a healthy emotional relationship with me and other things I love. I hate the fact that these feelings cause a whole breakdown that have an unpredictable timing and occupation. Once I was so overwhelmed that I was shut down for 3 months. I barely was able to respond to anything, anything triggered my anxiety and I didn't have the situation under control. It went into a standard setting of something. To add on, my dissociation is becoming worse. It was fine at the beginning of the year, and now it happens in every conversation I have. I hate myself. Or at least I think that is what I do. I can't even have that emotional response to that. I hate the fact that I am too quiet in a group of people, the fact that I must give but never get and my entire personality. I wish I was different. I wish that sometimes life wouldn't be life. Life feels so meaningless. It's like a loop. You wake up, do your work, go home and sleep. Why do people care so much for it?That is what I question. Why do people value this circle? I am very relieved that I am not on the streets and go through actual shit. But why is life that exact thing? Why must there even be that consideration of suffering and all of that? I don't understand why people have to fight for their existence to be accepted. Jesus Christ you are human. Who tf cares if you support an expired orange or who tf cares if you support a liberal pedophile? You will die alone and no one is going to remember for "this persons sucks the conservatives off because they have a weird fetish of humiliation" or " I think I'm so cool because I hate a group of people who I generalise on a stereotype because my idiotic self doesn't understand the basic human rights." And the whole gender thing. Don't get me started. "MeN Are BetTer. NO WoMan Are." Kindly stfu. Did you know that nature made a system and it's called hetero sex? Yeah. So basically host of annoying Satan spawn has to get,WITH CONSENT, fucked by the man. Now to say that some men are like omg, consent? Tf you don't need that. Alright. I am not going to need your consent when I am going pop some of your organs out with a certain technique called: "mummification". (Yes the Pharaos actually consented to such things but guess what honey unlike the Pharaos who have been seen as a god hence why they had this treatment when they were dead, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE IT ALIVE.) or also the argument that "not all men". Personally that sounds to me like the same excuse some Germans pulled up with in the 1950's. but "not all nazis". STFU PLEASE. SOME MEN ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE BUT IF YOU PULL UP WITH THAT FUCKING LAME EXCUSE FOR YOU TO USE, IT CLEARLY SAYS TO ME "actually I want to use this argument so I don't get fucked over if I do smth shit." No nice man in the world would pull up with that argument. To come to my point; what does it matter on who tf I am? Pretty damn sure you don't need to know that I am pretty gay for women and a slut for men when you hand me your fucking money at the cashier. Or your ethnical background. I am white myself. But geez some of y'all sound fucking ridiculous when you tell a person that they can't cosplay a character because they are black. Guess what honey, I guess you can't visit the Indian restaurant that you have mistakenly thought was somehow Pakistani, because you are not Indian. So you can't enjoy Indian food anymore. Sounds stupid right? Well same argument . And why are politics so important? We are a species. A stupid species I might say so, but a species. A pathetic one at that. Imma cut that hot take off right here. Thank you for reading this abomination.

[silentmassacres]

tues, oct 29

the floor, photography, and schoolwork

my phone might die today. i wonder if i'd care, really. i have it drilled into me to be worried about it. does it really matter? probably, i just can't see it right now, besides messages from my mom telling me where she is.

i keep forgetting to charge my powerbox. that's the issue. i've forgotten a lot more lately, and somehow been constantly remembering at the same time. maybe i time travelled, like today's responsibilities don't matter because they're not really when i'm in that house, nauseous and on the floor again. i will always be nauseous and on the floor.

i'm on the floor while you ignore me. i'm on the floor, searching for my pants. i'm on the floor, laying in the corner while i dissociate. i'm on the floor, vomiting again (you stare at me with a sense of apathy and maybe some sick satisfaction. you should know not to compete with me)

i don't remember the color of the walls in that bathroom. i spent a lot of time in there.

washing my hands of you, emptying the nothingness in my stomach, or simply running away.

i realized whole washing my hands the other night that i didn't feel a sense of dread. or regret. or some other emotion that settles deep in my stomach. i wonder if that'll last. i hope it does (i still have dreams of being hurt like that again)

—

i haven't been keeping up with schoolwork. partially, because i've been so out of it that i just forget. i basically forget i'm on this plans of existence. it doesn't feel like it most times.

i think the other part is depression. i've. i guess come to terms with the fact that i'm not getting any help for it. the fact that i'd have to try to kill myself for them to do something. maybe i will, who's to say.

i could lie and say i'm not angry about it. i'm not angry about being vaguely observed while i continue to worsen. it doesn't matter how much i scream because it never attracts what i need.

—

i get kind of bummed watching people share pictures of themselves that others took. there's an air of authenticity in them, a level of care to be photographed by somebody else and have it done well. i don't hang out with people that much, so statistically it makes sense. but i do kind of wonder why i've never been the kind of person to get more. nice? candid photos.

i have a few, i guess, but again, i don't hang out with people enough to have the collection that others have. maybe comparison is the thief of joy, but was there really joy in the first place?

—

i do like photography. i can't say i have a knack for it because it's not insanely hard. but i have liked it for a while. i don't really use my digital camera anymore, and i have trouble transferring the photos anyways. so i guess it doesn't matter much.

i could've pursued it, maybe. could've joined the photography club and done something with myself. but i didn't, for whatever reason i don't remember. there's a lot of things that ended that way

that's an issue, i think — even if i am good at something, it's hard to see that because it comes so naturally. anybody can pick up a camera and produce mediocre photography, what makes me special?

[rodaliz]

please f*ckin fix this

I am a big narcissist and I hate it. I hate everything about myself. I just don't know anymore.... ever since I was a child. I just hated everything T_T... I am the odd one in the family/// literally.... everyone is so smart and talkative...... and have. many friends. while I have been bullied my whole life in school and at home.... I am so scared of rejection and hate. when i moved to the dorm in uae I felt a different kind of feeling...... I think I started learning how to love myself and be more expressive about my feelings. however, the toxicity is still in me. I drag it wherever I am. because that is who I have been made to be. I can't remember a time where I wasn't depressed and insecure. I have always felt small. maybe that's why I try to learn new skills and showoff just so people can remember me for something since me alone is not enough. I can't even put what I am feeling into words no matter how hard I try. everything I just typed doesn't explain 1% of what I feel. I just wanna be happy. I wanna be that happy-go-lucky girl. I wanna be that calm, rational, kind, sweet, caring and intelligent girl. I have the looks but I am just an empty shell. if I wasn't so insecure I'm sure I would've spent most of my days messing around with boys who make me feel wanted whenever I needed to feel it. all I have been doing is blaming myself. "It's because I am not as close as I was with Allah". But I don't know if this is a thought from shay tan however, I look around me and find that most of the sane and mature people who know how to hold everything together even when everything is falling apart are not even close to Allah. They delay their prayers and on some days they don't even pray! I never see them remember Allah. And how about those christian people? why are they so much better are being a good person than me? Now I don't know what or who to blame. It's just me and me alone. I am the mistake. I want to be better but I just can't control my emotions. I can't even cry infront of anyone. I hate hate hate hate the fact that I have a high EQ. it's torturing me so much/// I hate how I notice every single little thing. I Just wanna be an ignorant stupid normal basic human. maybe then I wouldn't cry over things that no one even noticed existed.=

[inkydoc]

brain is mean woe is me moodboard and a bit of incoherent rambling for this fine hour of past midnight

just... ignore me please, can't go to twitter anymore for this sort of thing :"D

i'm definitely tired, yes, but like... this is more than that. yesterday i spent an hour crying over nothing and basically not being able to stop, and yea i may not know the reason so i say it was for nothing, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

spent last week at home on pto, supposedly resting but couldn't sleep much so that didn't work out well either. nor did the boy's visit tbh, brain decided to spend our precious little time together just obsessing over a new game that someone mentioned in passing. dunno why i got so obsessed, could say for no reason since i don't know, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

and i'm trying my best to function, but the pain in my lower back is worsening by the day again, after a brief time of just kinda okay if i don't move funny, and i don't know why. yes, could say for no reason, but very probably definitely isn't.

mostly i just keep myself occupied but that doesn't work that well nowadays. can't focus, can't not focus, can't rest, can't relax, can't do anything right, and definitely can't get myself together enough to at least ask for help, so i'm just crying again for no reason. except that it very much isn't.

things were going well for a bit... or... were they? to be honest i don't know. i spent last year descending into a very dark place one emotional rollercoaster a time, by december ending up barely being able to talk and completely paralised from guilt and depression, christmas crying over being a burden and not eating, my birthday trying to not cry but failing, january completely miserable, february trying to at least get ready to get up, march just bracing myself, april getting things working again at the office, may and june jus plain surviving, and july slipping back down so far i couldn't even start to look for a way out yet. you could say that around february/early march i had like two weeks where things were sort of okay, somewhat, just a bit, or at least stable.

and i don't know if i'm doing it again, dragging people down with me, refusing help offered, being a burden where i very much don't want to be one. i feel like everything is slipping through my fingers again (still... constantly...) and i just can't do anything because i'm tired. just completely exhausted. it feels like eight months passed from this year and i barely moved forward at all, or if i moved i took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up going around in circles.

it's always the same shit with me and it's fucking annoying and i can't solve it alone, but don't know how or where to look for help either. mostly i just wanna tell myself to stop being a little bitch and get yourself together, but that doesn't help, not from me, not from others. i know for a fact that i won't be able to move just because i'm told to move, that cost a lot for everyone to figure out.

but then what? how the fuck am i supposed to solve this shit when i don't even know what's wrong?

running into one bad news after another isn't helping either. hard to have hope when things are just happening so much you blink and you miss a once-in-a-lifetime event.

yay. cool. amazing. very nice. awesome.

fucking hell.

[puppygirlsounding]

So it's been over a month now.

I'm pre-typing this. Going to drop this in your dms. I don't expect a response, and I'll take the hint and leave it at this if you don't respond.

I bet you still use your Tumblr, no idea if you still follow me because my list has been bugged for the better part of a decade. So If you saw some of my posts I'll be rehashing some things.

Long story short, Forced myself to be alone and completely lock away my emotions. I got so tired of it all I completely shut shop. Normally this would be the part where I'd admit how stupid and/or careless that was towards myself, my mental well-being, etc.

Except that it worked out somehow.

I still can't believe it myself, but it was like being compressed down into a new state of matter. Hitting rock bottom and realizing there was nowhere else to push the feelings, no one else to blame or use as a distraction. It made me finally come face to face with my self. My true, inner self and not the facade I've kept up for my entire life. A life of repression, anxiety and unmitigated hatred.

I spent 20 years basically trying to be anybody but myself because a handful of shitty people made me think it was a crime to exist. All of what I had been for the entire time you known me has been that pared down, sink water version. Too afraid of their own shadow judging them to be themselves.

And this isn't some "I totally re-invented myself nothing is wrong anymore lmao" level brainrot

I was still myself before, just incredibly neutered, and I chose to be that way for so much longer than I should have.

I still take responsibility for every way I acted and anything I've done

I'm finally able to say all this without it being run through a morass of epic irony or depression

I got to see myself for the first time, and show love inward so I can begin to regrow what was lost

So the past month has been crazy because of it, not hating every day you wake up sure does make time pass differently, it's felt like forever since we stopped talking, to the point I did a double take when looking at our dms

On a short list of notables, I came out to my coworkers as trans/bigender/genderfluid

Still.... Figuring that one out.

But my boss and trans friend coworker know, I have a support network for the first time.

I already naired all the hair off my arms once, and started displaying more femininity, as much as I can for now.

And I've stopped having my meltdowns and panic attacks.

I'm still as sensitive as ever, that is one of the things definitely still a part of me, it's just not being exacerbated by a roiling sea of vitriol tucked underneath the surface anymore.

So yeah, I'm not out here saying I'm some "completely new person" or something like that, but I am an incredibly different version of the Hunter you knew.

Which brings us to the topic at hand, and why despite all this positive change I haven't been able to bring myself to talk.

I'm scared

I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared.

Yes I felt the need to say it four times.

After learning to distance myself, resulting in finding myself. I realized a few days ago why I couldn't reach out to you like I had planned. At first I tricked myself into thinking I was mad. Made you out to be the problem in my head, because I didn't want to acknowledge I was being a coward. Because it hurts to look at flaws carved that deep right after coming out into the sun for the first time.

There are a lot of things that were said between us, I said some awful garbage. You said some things I want to believe we're in good faith, you trying look out for my best interests.

The fact of the matter is though, I lost it and lashed out because I was too afraid to address my real feelings and tell you how much you were hurting me unintentionally.

Doesn't excuse me trying to hurt you, but I'd I don't explain it this way I'll never be able to finish so just hang in there with me please.

So after all that, and the self discovery I was feeling great, cloud nine sublime.

But I still couldn't get over how we left off. Despite not being able to address it.

Because I learned the reason why socializing was so easy for me before was the fact that my love starved brain was primed to leap into the arms of anyone that would give it validation.

Now though, with the ability to self-actualize, love, and support my own mind... The thought of reaching out petrified me.

I'm finally learned how to not be a walking pipe bomb of human emotions after 25 years, but now the exact opposite was the issue.

I put distance between myself and everyone around me because the thought of putting myself back out into the world, and risking the little seedbed I had started was too much to handle.

So I'm telling you now, I'm scared. I'm afraid to even send this, and despite having my anxiety under control now, I'm still mortified about sending you this. Because I don't want to relapse, I don't want to go back. I'm starting over completely from scratch with my social skills almost, even the ones I can still use all have to acclimate to my new perspective.

The one where a potential friendship isn't all upsides, where I have to think about protecting myself first.

I still consider you the closest a person has ever come to really understanding me, and that means more than I could ever illustrate with words.

I've spent my whole life looking for it, and I don't want it to be a pipe dream.

I want you to be a part of my life as long as possible. I don't know if you could ever feel the same, but I'd spend an eternity with you if we could get us figured out.

That's it. Enjoy the novella. I'm going to go drown myself in chores now to try and feel better.

[cannibalcoyote]

Alfred Pennyworth: Alone

Imagine your dad(Bruce Wayne) is an absolute ass, and Alfred ends up becoming your emotional support after you go through a terrible event:

- Lil warning: sexual battery, battery, kidnapping, hints alluding to rape, Bruce is an asshole, depression, thoughts of self harm -

Being the daughter of Bruce Wayne carries a lot of weight, you are expected to be great at everything, get amazing grades, have good friends, be a good person, etc, but the truth is that you can't always be that person.

Sure, I get good grades most of the time, but they never seem to be enough for dad. My friends are great and supportive, they know all about my feelings, and they never use me because of my last name, but that doesn't mean my father approves of them. And last but not least, I am who I am, I can't be the socialite and extrovert my father wants me to be, I can't dress the way he wants me to, and I can't act the way he wants me to.

This isn't done out of rebellion, I really want to be the daughter my dad wants, I want him to be proud of me, but I just feel like a hollow shell whenever I try.

———————

Today I went to hangout with some people, I decided to try and be friends with people my father has openly approved of, but everything just feels so shallow.

They all dressed fancy, most of them wearing expensive brands. I even dressed like them in an attempt to fit in, but I felt like such a fake. Remembering my fathers look of approval when he saw me and when I told him about my plans makes me push away my discomfort, just wanting to get through the day.

We had gone out to eat after school, and now were just messing around in a park. It was getting late, and I really wanted to head home, but I don't even know where I am anymore.

I'm in a group of about 5 people, 3 of them being guys and the other 2 are girls. The guys and girls are dating, so just me and this other guy are basically third wheeling. The couples want to go to the movies, but I know they are just going to be making out, so I decline, stating I'll just wait in the park for their movie to end; the other guy also declines, stating he'll also wait.

The guy - I think his name is Chase - and I went and sat on a bench near the outskirts of the park. It was really getting dark now, and I desperately wanted to go home and curl up in my bed and forget about this day, but Chase simply will not stop talking. He's actually not that annoying, and he's not half bad to look at with his brown hair swept to the side, his green eyes looking at me intently.

I stand up and Chase stops talking, his expression almost looking irritated that I interrupted.

"I think I'll be heading home now." For a moment I glimpsed anger flashing through his eyes, but it was gone just as immediately, instead being replaced by an extravagant smile.

"Sure, I'll walk you to your bus stop." I almost feel like blushing, but he probably only offered because I'm a young girl alone in Gotham at night. I smile instead, and say 'thank you' before beginning my walk to the bus stop. It's not too far, only about a half mile walk, but as we pass an alley, Chase motions for me to follow him though it, stating it was a shortcut.

I don't feel comfortable, I don't like alleys in the first place, adding in the fact that it's night makes it even worse. I go to tell Chase no, but looking into the alley I realize I can't see him anymore. Fear surges within me, is he okay? Where did he go? I hesitantly step into the alley when I hear him urgently shouting my name.

I run to his voice, hoping to see that he's okay, but as I turn into a corner within the alley I'm quickly shoved into the rough brick wall. My head is aching in pain, as well as my back. I try to shove the person away, but they secure my hands with theirs, their chest grazing against mine. I don't know what's happening, I can't tell who this is because it's so dark.

I can feel the tears running down my cheeks as one of their hands gropingly wanders over my body.

"Oh, don't tell me you're crying." That mocking voice stabs me, betrayal radiating through my bones. That voice belongs to Chase, I feel like fighting and dying at the same time.

My free hand acts without thought, a loud smack ringing through the tense silence. He seems stunned, but he soon reacts in violence as well, punching my lower abdomen, my body hunching over. He gives me no time to suffer, as he pulls my body back up, holding my face up with one hand and delivering a forceful punch with the other.

I can't remember much after that other than falling to the ground, the last thing I saw was him walking towards me with a sickening grin.

———————

Pain radiates through my body, everything ached, but my pelvis and hips felt like they were  burning. My shoulder stings, and my face felt like I had been beat; my eyes aren't even open, yet I already want to go back to sleep.

It's only when the memories of last night resurface that I jump awake, my body feels like its being torn in half, but I ignore it, instead hastily surveying my surroundings. It's still dark, though how late, I do not know.

It takes me a few more moments to realize that my clothes are strewn across the floor, it's at this moment when the sickening feeling strongly radiating through both my body and mind finally makes sense. The intense need to vomit sweeping over me.

My eyes flood with tears as I hastily put my clothes on, it hurts to move but I really need to get home. I walk to the bus stop, paranoia running rampant within me, I find myself flinching at anything and everything.

I look at the clock in the bus and realize it's 11pm, I was supposed to be home by 8pm at the latest. I look at myself through my phone camera, attempting to fix my hair and clothes so that my father doesn't realize what happened to me; knowing him he would probably just be angry with me.

I shakily exit the bus, just walking hurts so much, but I put on a neutral expression, entering my home slowly. The lights are off, maybe he went to sleep early for once?

Those thoughts of hope are sharply stripped away when the cold light filters through the room.

"Where have you been, young lady?" I lower my head subconsciously, knowing I'm in trouble. I keep myself facing the door, I don't need him seeing my tear-streaked face, he'll probably just shout at me.

"I was just hanging out with my friends." I try to make it sound like I did nothing wrong, but I know it's just making him angrier.

"You were supposed to be home by 8pm, mind telling me what you were doing till 11 at night." His tone is becoming sharper and more demanding, this tone always leads to him yelling at me. That's honestly the last thing I need him to do, but what am I going to say, 'Hey dad, will you please not yell at me?' Yah, he'll probably scream if I say that.

I maintain my silence, hoping he'll just send me to my room.

"I asked you a question." I stay silent, praying that he'll just drop the conversation.

"LOOK AT ME!" His tone is deep with anger, his shout reverberating through the halls. He slammed his hand against the door, right near my head. I jump in surprise, but refuse to look at him out of both fear and self-preservation.

I can feel his glare deepen as he backs away from me, his sigh of frustration letting me know his shouting is done.

"Go to your room, you're grounded for two months." I don't argue, I don't fight, I simply nod my head and shuffle away, trying to hide my limp as I head to my room.

It's only after sitting on my bed for a few minutes that I finally let silent tears fall. Everything I do is wrong, and the one thing I do that makes him happy ended up being the worst decision of my life.

Maybe I should just stop trying.

———————

It's around 4 in the morning, I've been trying to go to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I think of when he... when he... oh never mind. The memories are fresh and refusing to yield, so I've taken to pacing around my room, just walking back and forth and back and forth, sometimes accidentally running into my bookshelves.

Normally on a night like this I would be tucked away reading my favorite book, but everything I do right now just feels so out of place.

I'm so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize that Alfred had knocked on my door and opened it when I didn't respond. I only noticed when his hand lightly touched my shoulder, which caused a massive reaction.

I almost screamed, but it came out more as a fearful whimper; my entire body jumping away, my feet taking a few steps back to gain distance. My eyes are wide and distraught, scared of who would be in my room, but I calm slightly when I realize it's only Alfred.

He looks surprised, well, that's putting it lightly. He looked more shocked at my reaction, almost looking suspiciously at me.

"Please forgive my intrusion Y/N, I simply wanted to check on you. You've been pacing for a while." His voice furthers my ease, but I also feel guilt tightening my chest. I forgot Alfred's room is below mine, I must've been walking loudly, and I guarantee that me running into a bookcase isn't quiet.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to awaken you." Alfred's always been like an uncle to me, he's helped raise me, and he's always supported me in being myself.

"Do you mind telling me about that bruise?" His question startles me, I wasn't expecting that question, mainly because I wasn't aware I had a bruise. My eyes widen, and I quickly rush away into my bathroom, turning on the lights and gazing in horror at the purple splotch that was darkly forming over my left cheekbone.

I can't handle it anymore, I lean back against the wall, covering my eyes with my hands as I cry. I slowly slide down to the floor, bending my legs up and hiding my face against them as I sob.

Alfred walks over to my clearly distraught form, kneeling down and observing me for a few seconds. It didn't take him long to put it together, the bruised face, the red marks on my wrists, my tangled hair, the fact that I had thrown away my clothes from this night and replaced them with clothes that drowned my figure.

He sighs in silent anger, not at me, but at the disgusting person that did this to me.

He slowly pulls me into his side, and I welcome his fatherly response, crying against him as he whispers to me everything will be alright.

———

I don't know how long we stayed like that until I fell asleep, awakening the next morning in bed to see a note from Alfred saying to come to the kitchen for some pain killers and an ice pack, and that we would be having a chat over breakfast.

I'm scared, scared that I'll have to relive the memories of last night, but I'm also thankful. Thankful that someone like Alfred cares about me like how my real father should.

[nasgorpedas]

Hyvää uutta vuotta ❤️ Happy New Year!

This year I lost and gained some. The most important thing I did was reading Untethered Soul (not till the end, though), and letting go of a friend who just... won't put in the effort, even after promising several times that they would try more. And fixing my relationship.

I was diagnosed with GAD and severe depression 7 years ago due to prolonged Event(tm) and didn't realise that stopping my meds after a 5 yrs cold turkey had such a bad effect on me & my relationship. Things pretty much went downhill in ALL areas of my life, and I was a mess last Christmas, lol.

Anyway, I took a long and hard look at myself and realized that I can't just not do anything and blame the fact that I'm anxious without even trying, or letting myself be consumed by "well, what if x happens if I do y?" kind of thoughts. I have ruined a bunch of outings with my best friend because I was too sad and consumed by anxious thoughts all the time. I was self-centered and didn't think about how I was making her feel when I suddenly wanted to go home just after a few hours... or crying randomly because a sad thought intruded and cue me vomiting out my problem at her. I wanted to change. I had to change. At some point, being me wasn't cutting it anymore.

So I tried.

I did a lot of self-reflection on why my relationship went haywire, and a lot of it was me. Me being petrified and going into a self-inflicted spiral of thoughts when something was wrong. And I was quite dependent on my partner's approval. It's like, if he doesn't want chocolate, I don't want it too. But with most things. If he displayed any kind of negative reaction, I'd react even worse. I was a landmine, basically. I needed to do something about it.

I decided that step one was to figure out who I am as an individual, and one thing I always wanted to be good at (and to bond with my partner over) was being more active.

I bought membership to the climbing gym and started working out alone & climbing by myself. I committed and pushed myself to keep going week after week. And I did. For a year straight and still going! It was so scary in the beginning. I was so self-conscious and afraid. Making mistakes and failing over and over so openly felt terrifying, but it faded with time.

I got a job in customer service even if I fear men and new people in general. Sometimes, I can't talk properly when a male customer that kinda scares me comes (trauma amirite), but that's okay. I take it slow and take a break when I need to.

I tell my partner more things, good and bad. Important and mundane. And taught myself that his reactions do not decide their importance, or whether my feelings are valid, and he doesn't have to understand every drop of my emotions to make him a good partner.

I gained the ability to take a step back from the messy ball of thought-yarn in my head, take a deep breath, & let things pass. Not all thoughts have to be paid attention to, and sometimes things are not *that* serious. Not every argument is breakup worthy, and not everyone has to think that I'm a good person. Accepting that I'm a flawed person actually helped so much... Sometimes I'm a hypocrite, sometimes I lie. Sometimes I say things I don't mean in anger, and sometimes I'm too stubborn to admit that I'm wrong. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person, and it actually proves that I'm just a person.

Applying this knowledge to my partner and everyone else helps me love much more easily, and forgiveness never felt this easy before.

So here's to more learning next year.

[petalsmooth]

Gregory and Hyacinth are good this year.

I liked the development of Portia.

I liked Cressida was sent off alone in a carriage.

Pen's big reveal of Whistledown was an apologetic mess and promise to do better whereas the book it was shocking and celebratory and romantic and I hate the revisions made for "drama" and idea this was a powerful girl move. One they now want to take back so they can keep Julie narrating somehow and pen writing a gossip column instead of romances like she did in the book.

They basically reduced John to a dear friend while his new wife goes speechless in lust over his cousin who doesn't seem similarly affected. So yay for ruining Francesca's character I guess since I don't go in for emotional infidelity anymore than actual infidelity.

They expect the audience to know Colin is not just dealing with the fact she intended to deceive and lie to him forever but that he's jealous of her professionally until 5 minutes from the end and yeah the show thinks it's romantic to have him just stand on sidelines as she gives her speech and not be the first to even greet her after it. The audience doesn't even really react to the speech afterward, it's a complete buzzkill.

And they have Colin give a speech where if his purpose is just to be lucky enough to bask in a little of her light he'll be a lucky happy man. I hated it. I didn't sign up to watch Pen gain a trophy husband.

I still love the characters and the actors but those scenes and lines are awful and since the show ends on that note it's hard to move past them.

I did like the comedy of the dueling Whistledown's.

I liked the scenes with John, Colin, and Benedict and Will.

I hated they had Colin reduced to begging Cressida for mercy, that was so out of place.

And the reconciliation between Eloise and Pen was just as bad as the one with Pen and Colin. They essentially had Eloise finally acknowledge Pen had a point when they had Cressida repeat words Pen said before about Eloise being jealous of her accomplishments as "Whistledown". And they had Eloise admit initially hooking up with Cressida was about being petty. So they ruined Eloise all year for a story that went nowhere only to end up making a joke of how they wasted all of our time.

I did like Danbury realizing who Whistledown was and intervening with the Queen in a subtle way. It doesn't make up for erasing her role in the book but better than nothing.

I am actually glad the Marcus sl didn't go further. I thought they were going to rush that but by the end I liked where it ended up.

Kate and Anthony are horribly written this season as a couple. Too perfect. You can't base a couple on tension then remove it. Should be more competitive bickering. I liked Anthony better on his own with his family where he was more himself, uptight, oblivious etc...and yes Kate is a better person.

I liked some Polin moments in 5 and 6 but the issue is the whole way they played the Whistledown thing put a damper on everything. It made part 2 heavy and depressing and was such a bad plot device used the way they did it. If they had to have the drama should have been eps 5 and 6 and leave the last two lighter. They way they did it completely ruined the vibe.

The issue I'm having is that is fully intended to watch future seasons because I like other characters. But if you do THIS to the most lighthearted rom com book of the series, and this follows season 2 where you had 6 eps wasted on a triangle, I'm thinking there is no way I want to continue with any more seasons only to be disappointed because they think they are better writers than they are. I don't think the books are perfect, but I think the books are better than Bridgerton's original content when they go off thematically on their own. So if it's book canon vs Bridgerton canon? I want them sticking closer to book canon as a result.

And they clearly have announced they don't feel like they have to anymore and I don't even mean Michael. Just the way they butchered Colin and Pen at the end is enough to convince me they don't get it. Colin rallying his family to support Pen and revealing her as Whistledown is not toxic masculinity, it is Pen humbling HERSELF to realize she made a mistake (which she never really does to COLIN in the show only to everyone else) and Colin's way of showing his love and support for her after being bitterly jealous of her professionally (which is how he atones for that) and in the book it results in Pen being appreciated for HER work and they are stronger as a couple. The show evidently feels it's just toxic male hero syndrome and Pen in all her feminine power doesn't NEED anyone but herself and he should shut up, be silent and let her beg for forgiveness and plead to still be allowed to write to the people who bullied and ignored her and this is female empowerment? This is a healthy communicative supportive couple? This is a healthy partnership? Give me a break.

The way the show wrote it Pen never really apologizes to Colin, it's just him apologizing to her and promising to be her side kick and leaves you feeling like Pen was the one wronged and Colin is somehow the bad guy that is lucky has a forgiving wife. This is not romantic Bridgerton.

You know why I wasn't looking forward to those spoilers being true? Because I knew would devolve into arguments over homosexuality/sexuality and not over whether these changes could honestly be narratively woven into a story without fundamentally altering it's themes. I am bored and a bit ticked off at being correct about that.

I know the participants won't ever see themselves as being two sides of the same coin, but they essentially are. Both sides only care about the gender the characters sleep with. I only care about plot, relationships and if the writing adequately brings about both. It's why I'm angry about eps 7 and 8 with POLIN, who are a straight white couple btw, and how badly the fumbled their relationship and characters in the end and depressed rather than happy to watch the scenes now. It's why I didn't care about Benedict's sex scenes in the past (with women) because they served no purpose aside from getting Luke T naked to story development. I watched this season in vain hope might service another point, and they really did not.

It's why I can agree with people that they shouldn't have gender bent Michael even if I think the reason they are upset are not because of it butchering the themes/narrative of the book and completely erasing their characterizations. It's also why I can see a way you could have done it with Benedict's book instead, resolving a lot of the issues the book not only had but the story with Lady Tilley had as well.

The writers are being lambasted but not for the reason they should be. Fans are arguing, but not over what they should be having discussion about.

I will also go further as to say I see NO reason the show should be celebrated for a cowardly decision. And it WAS the act of a coward. You cannot convince me they don't know it makes no sense to adapt Francesca's book this way. They chose her because she is the last "adult" Bridgerton in book 6. They may hem and haw about how they could go out of order but they have no intention of moving her up in the lineup. They chose her character because there is no guarantee they get to a season 6 especially when they take 2 years to film and even if they DO most shows lose steam with ratings. They figure if it bombs next to the prior seasons they have an inbuilt excuse.

Benedict being bi is not brave. They know the audience already baked that theory in. If they are proceeding forward with Sophie as a woman then they are simply using it as a tool for kudos but know the audience would likely still watch because paired with a woman for real love interest.

An actual real bold move would have been making Sophie the genderbent character because whatever the ratings for season 3, and a part of me thinks part 2 might have killed them a bit but we'll see, part 1 was at least very successful. So if you followed that with Benedict next in season 4...well, that would have made a statement. Season 6? Whatever Bridgerton.

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore