#or maybe when the thought of wearing them doesnt make me feel sick anymore ill wear pleated skirts again

[pezpenser205]

the main reason i know im not femme in the slightest is bc i cant comprehend why anyone would Ever want to be feminine. i can understand neutral leaning fem, but the idea that people are born wanting to be feminine is appalling to me personally because femininity always felt like imprisonment and torture. it was and still is a restraint. a training weight i was forced to bear. i cant fully empathize or understand anyone who wants to be more feminine because i have never and will never want to be more feminine out of anything other than pressure or insecurity. im most comfortable being gender neutral, hairy and disgusting in old gym shorts and stained tshirts no matter how much insecurity it causes me. i dont care. im never dressing up all pretty for anyone elses benefit ever again. and i assume this is how people who want to be feminine feel about masculinity to some extent. if thats the case im super glad we could trade because holy moly

[yokakaiju]

i got bored and made a tierlist based off who smokes the most weed

justifications under cut

so like i made this cause its funny first and foremost, but i did put like somewhat actual thought into this. not much, but synapses were firing in my brain putting this together

also im not tagging everyone, ill just like pick 2 or whatevs

okay so first up is chidaruma. dude prolly invented weed ngl. you know he's smoked everyway imaginable: blunt, pipe, bong, can, apple, vape, synthesized, edible, hotbox, blower; you name it, he's done it. he's kinda over it, but he's still up there just cause like... idk he is and won't take criticism

haru is a beautiful weed smoking gf thats literally it

13's entire schedule is probably wake up, smoke, jerk off, sleep, eat, smoke, jerk off, eat, smoke, repeat. he also would probably kin jesse pinkman

ton is a bitch and smokes all the cross-eye commanders weed. like they'll save up for MONTHS to get like 5oz (one for each of them :3) and he'll be like, "woah! a bag of weed!" and smoke it ALLLLLL in like an hour. he's like a truffle pig for weed, they can try to hide it but his ass always finds it and smokes it all. he would prolly also call it za or skunk or some shit like that

ebisu isn't quite in the high 24/7 catagory, but she could be. dawg loves weed, like she is also 100% a fucking master at rolling blunts she rivals chidaruma at it. rolling blunts is like a sport for her tbh

aikawa's gotta cope dawg. like if he aint at school or currently being possed by demons his ass is smokin that shit bruh he needs a minute to chill. also he's got crazy money (kai's money but shhh) so he might as well spend it on his pookie <3 (risu)

noi may be controversial being up so high, but hear me out. weed smoking gf? i think yes B) mogs at you

asuka also has to cope, but its cause shes a blackpilled femcel (her own words i stg)

chota would smoke, but he hates the smell and doesn't want it to ruin his clothes and shit. he prolly wears like silk gowns and dances around to madonna while trippin off like 10g. he's livin the life tbh

OKAY HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUT johnston. fucking johnston is only i repeat ONLY UP HERE‼️ because kasukabe gives him those little non thc thc pills people give to dogs with anxiety and agression issues to keep him calm

poor dokuga cant share with his besties so he's been condemed to eating edibles alone... also smoking/inhaling smoke makes him drool a bit so like a bit deadly for everyone around him to even try. i like, debated on putting him in never, but tetsujo prolly cooks smth up for him so he doesn't feel left out <3

natsuki is only at the top of sometimes because she probably would more if she had money. also she sucks in a blunt rotation cause her ass ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL tries to hold it in and always coughs like a mfer and taps out after like one hit

vaux just makes sense. he looks like an average 30-40smth nu metal oldhead, theres no way he DOESNT smoke at least a little. id put him in 100% but he's also a fairly responsible doctor so liek idk

kasukabe doesnt as much anymore, mostly only when he's with haru, but he still does sometimes for funsies cause he's just chiil like that :3

tetsujo doesn't thattt much cause it fucks with his already dog shit depth perception super bad, but sometimes if ton or the others dont find it he shares it with dokuga and they like yuri pose and eat edibles together or smth idk

ik kaiman is gonna be controversial being so low, but listen. 1) his ass is too focused on socerers and shit to care 2) he's dirt poor. he simply cannot afford it 3) how tf is he gonna smoke with no lips? that blunt would just get chewed to shit. like genuinely he would maybe get one singular edible if nikaido or vaux were feeling nice, but other than that its like, idk almost never for him

i would but shin in never, but ik noi is like "boss!!!! come take hits off this bong with me!! its gonna be so sick omg you HAVE to come smoke with me RN!!!!" and he'd be like "sighhhhhh... anything for my weed smoking gf ig..."

ushishimada is only so low cause i feel like he's too mothery to smoke a lot? like, he's too responsible, but not responsible enough to outright say no. also they're poor asf and ton always smokes it all

fukuyama would get his ass kicked by tanba if he found out, but ik dawgs gotta take a load off sometimes tbh

now again, controversial take but i have reasons. risu is so fucking poor. like, genuinely he is too worried about his tuition, bills, and groceries to give af about it (also cause aikawa is a bitch and makes him pay for everything cause "i forgot my wallet oopsie :3c"). now aikawa does supply him tho and he hooks him up with the primo shit ong. so at least when he does smoke he smokes that good shit (also they yuri pose as well while they smoke)

again, saji is too mommy to smoke that much weed (also another case of being too poor). bro doesn't want his clothes and needlework to smell like shit, which i respect

ai 100% would if his ass wasnt so busy with his damn self expiramentation bs. like, he wants to smoke so bad tbh, but he's like "sigh i gotta work on my plans to rebuild my body from the ground up.. maybe tomorrow" stares longingly out the window imagining how cool smoking weed is

again, kai's over here fuckin "i have to go to work" like he genuinely just doesn't care or have time. he's never even thought about it tbh, like you're tellin me this mfer has had a single thought outside of total domination in his entire existance??? HELL NAH HIS ASS DOES NOT THINK HE HAS ZERO THOUGHTS IN HIS HEAD I STG

now this may also be controversial. why isn't by beautiful coquette cottagecore angelcore babe out there rolling and smoking the fattest blunts known to man? turkey just like doesnt feel it. its not for her tbh. she tried smoking, she tried edibles. she just wasnt a fan tbh. like, she'll cook up some of the tastiest edibles you've ever had if you ask, but she just aint a fan

kirion also just doesn't feel it tbh. again, its not for her and thats alright

wow surprise surprise another controversial take. like, before you get mad just think abt it for a sec. like, she's so fucking business first and always has been that i think she would just see it as a major hinderance on her job performance, as well as the performance of her employees later down the line. now im not saying she's a narc or hardass about it, im saying she just doesn't feel it. the high she gets from people enjoying her food and making money is enough for her tbh. also she does do edibles sometimes, but mostly like when it rains in hole to make it a little less miserable and painful

en is about the same. like, he def has. he's just like, idk. he doesnt wanna. its not for him anymore. he doesn't care if anyone in the family does it, but they better not sacrifice the quality of their work for it. like if he catches you high on the job its prolly like some sort of repremanding, but off the clock he dont gaf

genuinely copy paste nikaidos shit for tanba. he's too worried about his business to even consider smoking weed

now... kawajiri is a fucking narc and a half. his ass would be like "erm ☝️🤓 well actually" and then give a big long speech about how weed is bad blah blah blah whatever no one cares dawg stop fuckin yappin. but like, he's just pissed cause no one will smoke with him or share their weed with him cause he's such a hardass

fujita is kinda weed smoking gf coded, but like ik his ass would be like "EN! EN! I SAW EBISU SMOKING A BLUNT THE SIZE OF HER OWN FOREARM AND TRYING TO SHARE IT WITH KIKURAGE!!! YOU NEED TO STOP HER RN!!!!" but hes only like this cause when he was in a blunt roation with shin, noi, and ebisu they all told him holding it in made you higher, but he ended up puking and they all laughed at him and made fun of him for it because hes a fucking idiot. so now he's an evil little narc who squeals to en when he even catches a whiff of a skunk like scent

curse is a bitch and ik his ass is like "RAAAHHHH‼️ I GOTTA GO KILL THE CROSS-EYES BOSS RAHHH‼️ I NEED TO SEEK REVENEGE FOR MY MURDER RAHHHHHH‼️" like dawg chill tf out be so real rn. he's too focused on revenge and shit to smoke and like, i think if he did smoke and kai also smoked they'd have beautiful hot sexy yaoi, thats just me tho

oh my god shou is such a bitch about it. like sure kawajiri gives lectures about the "scary true reality of weed" and fujita is a narc, but this guy. oh my god this mfer. THIS IS THE REAL REASON EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT HIM ITS CAUSE THEY KNOW HIS ASS IS GONNA WHINE AND BITCH AND MAKE YOU GO TO LIKE AA OR NA OR WHATEVER FOR IT!!!! HE'LL START CALLIN YOI AND ADDICT AND SAYIN ITS A GATEWAY AND SHIT AND HOW THE DEVILS WILL IMMEDIATLY DRAG YOI TO HELL AND TORTURE YOU FOREVER IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT OH MY BALLS

kikurage is literally just a dog dawg. her ass dont even know what weed is

store crow mauler is like... idk man. idk how it would smoke weed or if it even knows or cares what weed is. whatever, its kinds like a pet so whatevs

[hardtoimagineblaireverchanging]

this could be the most incoherent string of text you have ever read but i want to try as hard as i can to sum up how im feeling, even though there are no words

i just sang through this is home and my voice sounded relatively deep, but not deep or masculine enough. i look down at my hands and they dont look like mine, they dont feel real, neither does my body, nor do i. im this close to using the pair of scissors i found on sunday, the ones i used to get my blades out of my sharpener, and my blades to just do my hair myself. knowing that its there is killing me. i want to cut my chest apart. i cant do anything to get it to look flatter. i never thought that i would want to but i really want to have top surgery, atleast now i do anyways. but the process is so long and its so expensive too. so is going on t. the only way either of those things would happen is if i go through private healthcare services, and that would be in a years time at least. i have the whole of two masculine outfits and ive been struggling to even wear pajamas because they all just seem so feminine. i hate every inch of my body and cant see anything masculine about it. i want to be toned, i want to have atleast slightly defined abs and muscles but its so out of reach for me because im fucking lazy, i want a v line, i want my collarbones and my jawline to be more prominent. i want my thighs to be thinner and more muscle rather than fat. i just want to look more like myself. i feel like im living someone elses life. people always say theyre ‘in the wrong body’ when they come out as trans but i well and truly am. i dont want this. i cant have this. its like a sick game and i want out. i dont know what other words to say. i cant find them. everything about me doesnt just feel wrong anymore, it is wrong. and it isnt taken seriously either.

im getting the worst urges in the world. i want to cut myself, burn myself, run away and make sure i dont get found. pack a bag, take everything i need with me, maybe take nothing at all. i know i wouldnt take my phone. id draw all the money i had out in cash, make myself harder to trace. or maybe i wouldnt take money. maybe id just disappear, completely. all i know is that im so tired, rhys, so fucking tired. you know the worst itll get is me harming myself, i wouldnt do anything worse than that, but i really want to. i cant cope with how real everything is. but it doesnt feel real enough at the same time. my thoughts are so conflicting and so confusing too, and all i want is quiet. youd be able to make things quiet. i know you would. i just want to sleep, lay with you. then ill stop thinking and itll be quiet.

my relationship with food is getting really messy again. part of me wants to eat and eat and keep eating until i start throwing up because i ate too much, part of me never wants to touch food again. i want to wither away. decay. i want everyone around me other than you to feel helpless, like this is their fault, because it is. the only person to help has been you, i wouldnt want you to feel guilty or helpless or responsible because you are the only good left in my pointless existence. i dont want to get out of bed or move ever again. i wont. things are really really bad this time. i think ive spent the best part of or atleast half an hour typing this out and i still feel there is so much more left to say or to explain but i dont know how to.

[rae-arts777]

I want to talk about my religious trauma

I just want to tell my story, I know mine is minor, I know there’s worst out there, but I’m hoping maybe mine cause reach out to anyone experiencing the same so they feel less alone

Let’s start way back

Edit: (sorry I should have put this earlier) TW: slight sexual assault, self harm, suicide mention

Growing up a christian adventist, I knew Friday night to Saturday was worship. No electronics or TV unless it was veggie tales, or a Bible cartoon, and church Saturday.

Of course I acted out a bit, and would get scolded for not staying still. My mother however wasn’t upset at me for ruining church, just upset I wasn’t behaving and granted don’t blame her cause I was a brat lol. I would get in more trouble if I went with my grandma. I was “disrespecting the lord in his house” and well...I mean it’s hard for a child to sit still for 8 hours wearing a dress and shoes that made me itchy and gave me blisters

Now church was fun in some sense. Got to see my friends, food after services, I loved being able to help in the kitchen and help the elders as well.

Good right?

Well...as a child, we think what we know if right. I thought the way we had church was common to everyone. When I started school, it was different for me. I asked “why do my friends go to church on Sunday?” My grandma told me “they just don’t know the proper way, it’s your duty to tell them”

I remember...being really horrible towards a kid who’s family was an atheist. We were still friends, but I will tell him “you’re trusting the devil”. My words never seem to hurt him since he laughed them off, but I never stopped...I look back and have so much guilt. So much guilt towards others too since I tried to tell them church was Saturday’s, and going on Sunday was wrong. I think about how horrible I was, cause my religion never taught me to be accepting to others beliefs, it taught me that it’s my duty to turn others to the right way. And that makes me upset. If my religion was the religion of “accepting everyone no matter what” then why is every one else’s religion the work of the devil? And why are baptism, also who was Christians, deem “evil” like Catholics in our religion.

Middle school. I started attending the church school. Hell

I didn’t like our new pastor, something about the way he said things just...didn’t stick. His kids were a nightmare. They torment everyone. Got teachers fired they didn’t like. And went crying to their parents if they didn’t get their way. No they were not toddlers. They were teens. One got in between my old best friend and I, and since then her and I were never the same.

Because I liked art and anime...I was the weird kid, so they constantly picked on me. Pastor kids telling me certain kids here didn’t deserve to be made by god. That god made a mistake. I told them to stop, but they would go “you just don’t know. It’s hard for us!!! We don’t mean what we say!” And looking and writing this now, that was the first gaslighting and toxic friendships I experience.

It made me more mad the pastor told the whole church that his kids were perfect children. And they set an example of how all the kids in the church could act. That pastor family was just horrible. Lies, manipulation, just rude. He would make side remarks about my mum’s blonde dye hair. He would say something to my mum if I wore pants or a leather jacket to church. Just the way he said things, made my mum feel like she was a horrible parent. They made side comments when my dad would finally show up.

“I’m sorry my dad wasn’t constantly gone, he’s was too busy fighting for our country.” Is what they would want us to say.

Church become a chore. Not a joy. And when we got a new pastor, one I started to connect with, we moved away and in with my grandma

Now highschool. This is where I started drifting away from religion. I love my grandma..I really do ...but she’s so extreme. The Bible this. The Bible that. I can’t have a normal conversation without her being up the Bible. Can’t watch a movie, show, or listen to music that’s not Christian without her bringing up the Bible or turning it into a Bible lesson. I hated going to church. I hated hearing “repent. The world is ending soon”

Hearing constant that our young generation is filled with the devil, feeling all the eyes of the elders on me as I’m trying to comfort someone’s child so they can enjoy church peacefully

Hearing anyone experiencing love towards the same gender is the devil’s working

That everything I like is filled with the devil

My grandma start forcing religion worst and worst down my throat. Saying I have to be prepare. I need to make my choice. Don’t I want to be in heaven with everyone? I need to give myself to god

I won’t see my family members who passed away Catholic.

That I need to tell my other side of the family who’s Catholic the right way

The news comes on....hearing the Bible says this the Bible says that

Trying to defend trump with the Bible

This pandemic is the first plague, the world will end soon

The studies getting more and more. I can’t even read the Bible just to study out of joy cause I feel like someone is breathing down my neck.

I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

And then I’m introduce the rotten apples of my religion.

We shouldn’t wear mask it’s God’s air

Only having faith is god will keep you from getting sick and heal you

Ever remember of LGBT is going to hell

Woman who abortion are going to hell

People will tattoos go to hell

People who don’t read the Bible everyday are going to hell

People who want to make this religion more open and accepting, are hearing the devil and are going to hell

People who kill themselves are going to hell

Mental illness isn’t real; it’s just the devil and you just have to be happy cause you have god.

I told my mom I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t, it’s more forced down on me too much. If the world is ending what’s the point? What’s the point of college? What’s the point of life? What’s the point of looking for love?! Cause I’ve been told so many times my own children won’t ever get to adult or teen hood cause the world will end! What’s the point. I’m so grateful to have a mother who understands..

And it pisses me out with these Christian movies. A boy is about to kill himself, and is getting told “you’ll go to hell! You really want that?! To go to hell?!” Why are you showing this?! That’s a last thing a suicidal person needs to hear. They don’t need a fucking Bible lesson, they need comfort!!! As a person who’s tried drowning, choking, and harming themselves, I fucking know I wouldn’t want someone to find me and say “you’re going to hell for that!”

And then you have those horrible people who think just cause they are religious that it gives them a right to be a shitty person. My grandma would fucking forgive a murder if they came out as Christian.

I told my grandma once “I do want to be more involved with the church, I want to give a sermon” and she told me “you can give a small one, not a full one, god did not use women to preach, he used men. I rather you do the children’s story”

.......

The Vice President...some Christians hate her cause “god didn’t intend for women to lead, if he did his apostles would have been women”

my grandma says “she slept her way to the top!” But oh! She didn’t mind if trump, a man who’s assaulted god knows how many women was in office...

Forgive everyone....you’re suppose to forgive abusers..my bullies....I was told to forgive them even if they never said sorry..cause god wants us to forgive

I allowed..a boy to convince me to do things...cause men always knew what was right...it was ok as long as we didn’t have sex...and it was ok...cause he was a Christian boy...

I just try to be a good human...I have sickenly forgave so many people who’ve hurt me....and now...I’m the pushover...

But what I did was wrong...

I’ve just....drifted away slowly...my grandma has sort of stop trying, maybe cause I’m an adult so I can make my own choices..maybe my mum told her something...

But the things she says makes me feel ashame for being Christian....

For the longest time I thought we were perfect people...now that I’m older...I see we’re just as bad..if not worst...

It makes me so sick...just thinking..how I forgave people who HURT ME cause ...if I can’t forgive, then God doesnt want me.

If god really wants all of his “children” then why if it when we says “I don’t want to forgive the person who gave me this trauma” then it’s “i forgave you why can’t you forgive them? It’s so simple, you really can’t do something that simple? Guess you don’t want to go to heaven”

I’m so done

I’m so tired..

I have a headache and started crying a bit while writing this and there’s so much more. But my wrist hurts and just...I want to scream.

But for the majority...that’s my religious trauma.

I’m not hoping to gain anything, just to reach to anyone else who’s going through the same emotions...you’re not alone ok?

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[foegold]

people be wanting to know about a lil blue bastard. this ones long as hell so its under the cut jsdhfg

Your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?

farmer! he’d just keep living the way he’d been living. it’s the sort of life he imagines he’ll return to one day, after he’s seen and done enough. ‘enough’ is a really arbitrary end goal though

Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

who in the party wouldn’t he trust with his life tbh. in the most literal sense he’d trust Eli with it just because he knows Eli can bring him back from dying in some stupid and ill-advised way

What are your character’s core moral beliefs?

frogs are good, try to be nice to people but if they’re mean to you first then at least a few bets are off, the rich should probably be eaten. killing is sometimes necessary but maybe try some other stuff first

What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?

he doesn’t have any siblings, and his relationship with his mom and recently present dad is. a little weird, and not all the way comfortable, and not like really bad, but just confusing? it’s confusing. at least he’s had more transparency from his mom recently than just about any other time. it’s a start

Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

he trusts other tieflings a little quicker than other races but its not really saying much because he’s not smart and if you’re good at talking and sound like you know what you’re talking about he’ll just believe you. he doesn’t have the good sense to second think it without prompting

What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

so far just about every interaction with nobility has been messy or bad or scary or all three so right now the opinion is “not great”. also thats just too much money. whaddahell would you do with that much money.  he’s generally uneasy with authority figures at best, and flat out paralyzed by them at worst. he’s easy to bully when he doesn’t have anyone backing him up and he knows and hates it

Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

he cycles through an assortment of sweaters but the one he wears the most is the heart sweater he got in Wunjo that’s been altered a few times in the last few months. he do keep collecting those scars tho, before starting adventuring he had a handful of minor scars just from working around the farm with the animals and the equipment and from romping around in the country. now he’s got all sorts, but the most prominent ones are: the thin scar on the left side of his face, starting just below the eyebrow and curving gently below his eye (the last time Leo would leave a mark on him); the twisted angry scars across his torso from being mauled by a giant undead horse(?); and the fluid, patterned necromancy scars slowly spreading across his back, creeping along inch by inch

What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

besides his own house, Roman’s house has been the nicest! its warm and theres soup and friends there. there was a run down little ranch house somewhere at some point, but he’s not so sure anymore that he didn’t just dream about fixing the place up with his best friend

What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?

he doesn’t have a god he actively worships, but he’s peripherally aware of the god in the mountains that’s responsible for some of the most brutal storms in the region. he doesn’t care much about religion but hes got the same amount of concern most people would have about evil deities and what their followers do

If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?

probably woodworking! its handy, it’s useful for living out in the country where you have to either make the tools or furniture or fun items to put on a shelf you want, or go out of your way and also spend money to get them. maybe an actual alchemy set and/or poison kit but 1) playing with poison just a fun hobby for him and Xan to get into when they have the time and the plants for it, and 2) man he wouldnt follow the instruction manual anyway so whats the point

What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

will his friends be okay? will he be okay? is there an FAQ for tieflings learning that they’re much closer to fiend lineage than they originally thought? that would be convenient and helpful. is john gonna figure out more about the little men named ‘adam’ that’re allegedly everywhere?  if he could know one thing about the future, he’d like to know if everything will end out okay. if things will turn out as nice as he’d like them to.

What colors are associated with your character?

looks at the camera like im on the office

blue, white, and black are the big ones but im trying to pepper in a few other colors. reds and yellows are a close second

Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?

everyone sits squarely in the #1 spot on the rescue list

that aside john and roman are extremely high priority, they’re not the sturdiest and if something looked at them too hard they might keel over. baster and xan come next, he knows baster’s a shit brick house but he keeps seeing bad things happen to her and really hes just had Enough of it. eli’s a little lower priority because they can heal themselves if they’re in a tight spot, and then blu considers himself least concern. he knows he can get thrashed around some and still survive, he’d rather take a beating and know he’ll walk out of it than let someone else take it and wind up dead

Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

pathos, it’s easy to make him feel for u. legit any of them work though as long as you talk it up good enough he’ll believe you and if there aren’t any glaring conflicts between what you’re selling him and his base morals then it’s relatively easy to get him on board

If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?

idk probably something really simple that he put all of .5 of a second of thought into. hes not smart and doesnt have good foresight so he’d probably ask for a frog or smth unless there was something very much more pressing and present

What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

favorite(?) spell is life transference. it hurts a bit but it keeps his friends safe so it’s worth it. invisibility is up there too, its fun and easy to steal from stores when ur not visible

How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?

he doesn’t like lying and also lies really poorly. he’s usually just honest from the get-go, its easier and feels better. if he has to lie its through omission, bold faced lies really just dont work

What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?

all sorts....bro the world is full of animals and lots of them like to be pet

When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?

he thought he’d grow up and be a farmer like his mom, the adventuring thing was extremely unplanned and impromptu. he hoped he could be a kind and brave person though, the way Canna described his dad.

The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?

random roll says it’s Roman, he’d probably laugh because the only reason that would happen is because the party is fooling around with potions again. Roman’s very married and very in love with his husband and makes sure everyone knows it all the time

If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?

that doesn’t seem like a very viable circumstance, the only npc thats important enough that he’d listen to for something like that is his mom and she actively encourages him to take care of himself and his friends, and lets him make his own decisions about what he’s doing with his life, so

What unusual talents does your character possess?

idk if its all that unusual of a talent but he got really good at stealing and pickpocketing and he can do a sick flip. also does some black magic sometimes

What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)

it’s his name, u kno. bluebell is his middle name, but Canna called him bluebell growing up and he latched onto it a lot more than arden, and he thinks its a nice name, and a nice flower, and it sure would be nice if people would stop laughing when he introduces himself as “Blu”,

(blu was originally a stand-in name until i named him something else but it really grew on me and it fit him so! it didnt change, he just got other names too)

What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

The Moon. 👀

What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

he’s def scared of magic sometimes, especially his own. he also really wants to understand it better though, and be less scared, or at least control it better. imo it’s a healthy fear, theres been lots of magic mishaps 

How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

he learned common and infernal from mom! and he’s learning draconic from xan. it’s a nice downtime activity, sit down with ur best friend and homie and learn a new language just for fun

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[breanime]

In Sickness

Requests: can you write Billy being sick and the reader (trying) to take  care of him because obviously he is a real ass when he’s sick and he doesn’t want her to see her like (because he feels like shit) but in the end he’s all sleepy and he strangely becomes cuddly and sweet from @delicatelilyflower and Billy Russo showing vulnerability in the form of embarrassment from @suchatinyinfinity

Thanks guys, I hope you enjoy!

*gif not mine*

It had been over 48 hours since you’d heard from Billy, and you were starting to get worried. The last time he’d disappeared for so long had been after a stint overseas with Anvil, and when you finally tracked him down you found that he head been shot…twice. So, you had a reason to be worried.

“Ah, Y/N,” Frank sighed on the other end of the phone, “you know how Bill is. When he’s down, he likes to be alone. He doesn’t want to trouble you.”

“So he is hurt?” You grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder. “What happened? And don’t lie to me, Frankie, I don’t have the patience.”

You heard Frank chuckle on the other end of the phone. “I would never. Maybe just drop by his place and see for yourself.”

Typical Frank—but his advice was decent, so you headed over to Billy’s penthouse. You had been friends with Frank and Billy since their Marine days. There was something lingering between you and Billy, some kind of unspoken thing that you both were well aware of. You wouldn’t go so far as to say the two of you were an item, but you did sleep together, and Billy did take you out on dates, but… You weren’t dating. Still, he was your emergency contact on all of your official paperwork, and you had a key to his place—which you used now.

“Billy?” You called out, closing the door behind you. His coat was laying on the couch haphazardly, as if he had thrown it off in a hurry—something he rarely ever did. There was a blanket on the floor, and a half-empty water bottle on the table. “Billy? It’s me,” you peeked into the kitchen and sighed. It was in a state of disarray that only meant Billy wasn’t his usual self. A cabinet was open, revealing a lack of groceries, and there was an uneaten bowl of chicken noodle soup on the kitchen table. You checked for any signs of blood or bandages as you made your way to Billy’s room and found none. Your mind brought of images of broken bones, cuts and bruises as you turned the corner. What you saw was….

…Billy curled up in bed like a koala surrounded by boxes of tissue, water bottles, and take-out boxes. He sat up when he saw you, and you couldn’t help the little “oh” that came out of your mouth at the sight of him. His dark hair was mushed and standing up at all angles, and his eyes were low and watery. He was wearing a zip-up hoodie with no shirt underneath, and as you got closer, you could see that his cheeks were flushed, and he was shivering.

“Y/N?” His voice was rough, and he cleared his throat. “What’re you doing here?”

“I’ve been calling,” you noticed his phone on the dresser, “You’re sick.”

Billy scoffed as he struggled to sit up. “”M fine,” his New York accent was thicker than usual, and you could tell his nose was stuffed up, “Didn’t hear my phone go off.”

“That’s cause it’s all the way over here,” you picked his phone up and waved it at him before putting it back, “How long have you been sick?”

“”M not,” he huffed, pulling his hoodie over his chest, “’M just…” He coughed into his forearm, “”M just a little off. It’s fine.” His eyes narrowed as he watched you strip your jacket off. “What’re you doing?”

“That depends, where do you want me to start?” You asked, laying your jacket on the back of a chair. “Cleaning up or getting you some medicine? Have you been to the doctor yet?”

“I don’t need a doctor, I can take care of myself.” You could tell he was breathing out of his mouth, not his nose. “I don’t need you here.”

“Clearly,” you deadpanned, “What with the stuffy nose, shakes, and assumed fever, you’re a picture of independence.” You thought back on what his living room looked like. “You catch something at work?”

“Couple of the guys came down with a fever after a mission,” he answered, “I gave ‘em time off, but they wouldn’t take it.” He sniffled again. “It’s possible I might have caught something from them.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and instead went over to Billy to feel his forehead. He flinched when you put your hand out. “Don’t be a baby,” you clicked your tongue when you felt the heat of his skin, “Where do you keep your thermometer?”

“Don’t have one.” Billy pushed your hand away and fell back against the pillow. “Been feelin’ like this for two days,” he coughed again, “it’s almost done. Gimme another day an’ I’ll be fine.”

“Not gonna happen, soldier,” you were already moving around his room, straightening up, “If you won’t go to a doctor, I’ll take care of you myself. When was the last time you had something to eat?”

“Fuck off, Y/N.”

Now you did roll your eyes. Billy would have to try harder if he wanted to scare you away. “Fuck you, Russo. Now answer the question.”

He huffed, but answered you nonetheless. “Tried to eat last night,” he sniffled, “I have soup in the kitchen.”

“Yeah,” you piled another blanket on Billy’s bed, “You have that terrible canned stuff. I’ll make you some soup.” You dug in your purse and pulled out a couple of Tylenol PMs. “Here,” you watched him dry swallow the medicine and went back to tidying up.

“’M fine,” Billy was slinking back into his bed now, “the canned stuff is good,” he pulled the extra blanket up to his chin, “You can just go home, Y/N.”

“Mm hmm,” you went to the windows and started pulling the blinds down.

“I don’t need anyone takin’ care of me,” Billy was turning to lay on his side, and his words were muffled by the pillow, “’specially not you.”

“Right,” you turned the ceiling fan on low and let its soft hum lull Billy to sleep. It didn’t take long, he mumbled something that sounded like “leave me alone” before he dissolved into soft snores and the occasional cough.

You made your way into the kitchen and took a look around. It was sparse, but there were just enough ingredients for you to whip up a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup. You contemplated running to the store for more supplies, but you weren’t comfortable leaving Billy to his own devices—unconscious or not. So, you put in an order for a grocery delivery and went back to cleaning. Frank texted asking for an update and you replied: He’s being a little bitch, so I’m making him soup. Frank sent you back a laughing emoji, and you chuckled as you put your phone in your back pocket. You checked the soup and sat down at the table. You weren’t sure what kind of mood Billy would be in when he woke up, but you wouldn’t let him scare you off.

Billy didn’t wake up for another three hours. You ended up dozing on the couch and woke up to a warm hand gently brushing your cheek. You opened your eyes to see Billy, wrapped in the blanket you’d put on him, staring down at you.

His eyes still looked a little blurry and his nose was red, but he wasn’t shaking anymore. “You’re still here.” He said, his voice soft in the open room.

“Well yeah,” you sat up and rubbed your eyes, “I made you soup and got some groceries—what are you doing in here?” You didn’t wait for him to respond before you hustled him off the couch and back into bed. His forehead was still warm when you touched it. “I’m gonna heat the soup up and grab you some tea, I want you to eat as much as you can, and oh,” you grabbed a bottle from where you’d placed it on his dresser earlier and poured some thick, red liquid into a cup, “drink this.”

“What is this?” He asked, picking up the container and squinting at the label.

“Medicine,” you pulled out a food tray (a gift you got him a few months ago that was mostly for you) and placed it on his lap, “I want to see that cup empty by the time I get back.”

Billy—for once—didn’t say anything back, so you went and prepared his soup. You added honey to the tea and brought him an extra bottle of water as well. The cup was empty when you got back, and Billy was fussing with the bedsheets.

“Now before you start,” you placed the soup and tea on his tray, “this was my grandmother’s recipe so it’s really good, and the tea is that good shit, not that brown water crap Frank is always trying to feed us.”

Billy made a choking sound that you took for laughter. He cleared his throat and moved some pillow out of the way. “Wanna sit?”

Your eyebrows shot up, but you didn’t question the invitation. You slipped under the covers next to Billy, feeling just a tad bit giddy.

He lifted the spoon to his lips and paused. He turned to you. “Want a taste?”

You giggled and leaned forward, sipping the warm broth. You grinned as you sat back. “Trying to test for poison?” You joked.

Billy sighed, putting his spoon down. “I deserve that. Look, Y/N, ‘m sorry I was bein’ a dick, I…” He looked away from you. “”M not used to people takin’ care of me.”

“Aw,” you ran your fingers through Billy’s messy hair, “you don’t have to apologize, I get it. And I’m happy to help, Billy.” You watched him try the soup. His eyes closed and your grin widened. “Good?”

“Mm,” he nodded, “Shit. This is really good, Y/N.” You felt a spark of glee go through you at the compliment and leaned in closer to Billy. The two of you sat in bed together, as Billy slowly ate his food and drank his tea, watching horrible reality TV and arguing over which one of you Curtis liked best. Billy ate most of the soup and drank all of his tea, and he tried to help you clean up afterward—but you wouldn’t let him. You put the dishes in the dishwasher and came back to see Billy lying down with the covers wrapped around him. He looked adorable.

You climbed into bed with him and caressed his forehead. “Do you need anything?” You asked, voice low.

He looked up at you, eyelashes fluttering against his sleepy, dark eyes. “Can…” He sniffled, and you almost melted. “…Can you hold me?”

You thought your cheeks would burst with how big you smiled. “C’mere, baby.”

You wrapped your arms around Billy, pulling his warm head to your chest and running your fingers through his hair just the way he liked. He put his arms around your waist and sighed happily. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

“I want you to stay,” he went on, sniffling, “an’ I want to take care of you next…I want to take care of you forever.”

You chuckled. “You’re delirious, babe.”

“I’m serious,” he looked up at you with an honest to God pout on his face, “You… I want you…You’re my…” He groaned, snuggling in closer to you. “”M too tired, you know what I mean.”

You did know what he meant, and it made you feel another wave of sweet warmth go through you. “Mm hmm,” you agreed, running a hand down his back, “me too, baby.”

“Mm,” he closed his eyes, “I like when you call me baby… Let’s take a nap, baby.”

“Okay,” you kissed the top of his head and he sighed happily, “sweet dreams, baby.”

Billy dozed off in your arms, and while you weren’t necessarily happy that he wasn’t feeling well, you had to admit; holding him like that, taking care of him, and hearing his soft, unsure utterances just felt right…

…even if you woke up with a cold the next morning. 

*******************************************************************************

I still have a few requests in my ask box and some ideas I wanna do, so feel free to request still but it might take a while. Also, if you want to be added to my taglist, just let me know.

Thanks for reading!

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[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[fluffyheretic]

I’m so fucking tempted to say “every single question with Kazushuu or Hitoshuu (except for the nsfw ones i guess)” But I don’t want to singlehandedly kill you

ok let’s do it

as a side note sometimes the answer is the same or similar for both ships just bc shuu is uh. the same person. but ofc not always

under cut for lengthhhh

1. Who makes the first move and how?

hitoshuu: normally im gonna say definitely hitori. he probably decides to be direct and just straight up ask. in iwasweetie au specifically tho i want it to be sweetie if only bc i need to make him get over his shit. he also asks “directly” but it actually involves a lot of stuttering and beating around the bush so it ends up not being very direct

shuukazu: im not sure if it would really be one of them specifically, i can see them as the “this kind of just happened” couple. maybe kazuaki is the one after several months whos like “so um… what are we…. lol………..”

2. Who is the most insecure and what makes them feel better?

hitoshuu: shuu, not that hitori is the paragon of confidence but shuus like “wtf hes the ideal young man and im Bastard Supreme but ok i guess”

shuukazu: BOTH LMAO but kazu is more vocal abt it and shuu is the Bottle Up EVERYTHING type

some good ol body positivity cuddle sessions work in both cases

3. Who is the most romantic?

anyone but shuu for obvious “i dont even know what feelings ARE” reasons

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

again anyone but shuu for obvious “i dont even know what intimacy IS” reasons but specifically hitori is just more confident and kazuaki isnt necessarily confident but is more just. shameless

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

not shuu for similar reasons as above. there’s a trend here, you see

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome?

THIS is a CHRISTIAN blog

7. What do they get up to on a night out?

hitoshuu: going to dinner at a place thats nice but not TOO nice. like good comfortable atmosphere and good food but not posh

shuukazu: they probably just wander around, maybe go shopping, kazuaki keeps pointing out stuff he wants and dr iwamine “i dont know what to do with my money bc i dont want for material things” shuu just buys it for him. shuu please stop enabling him. stop it.

8. What do they like in bed?

hitoshuu: cuddling :)

shuukazu: snuggling :)

9. What is the most embarrassing thing they have done in front of each other?

i feel like shuu considers every single new couple-y thing he does to be the new most embarrassing thing he’s done. we’re holding hands? embarrassing. i kissed you? god now THATS embarrassing. you caught me wearing your sweater that you accidentally left at my place? well put me in the fucking ground thats literally the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to anybody. how dare i show sentimentality. despicable

kazuaki is similar in that he’s constantly one-upping himself and getting a NEW most embarrassing thing but his things include stuff like getting caught watching really strange anime and scream-singing pop songs and anime OPs in the shower

hitori probably like tripped on the sidewalk once

10. What two songs, two books and two luxury items do they take to a desert island?

these questions are difficult bc man idk what media exists in 2188 bird japan

11. What do they hide from one another?

in both cases shuus answer is “just about everything” hes terrified of the mortifying ordeal of being known. pretty much everything you learn about him has to be squeezed out

hitori hides how troubled he really is because he wants to seem like the responsible one everyone can depend on so that they dont have to worry about him. he does his best to hide when hes struggling but since shuu has that exact same impulse they pretty quickly start to see through each other, but are also very understanding about it.

kazuaki probably doesnt have as much to hide but he might be shy about portraying how REALLY in love with shuu he is too soon because he doesnt want to scare him away. he also hides the weirder shows and games and stuff that hes into lol

12. What first changes when it starts getting serious?

hitoshuu: i can see them having that kind of relationship where at first its casual and almost competitive in a way, like a “i think youre sexy and the only thing i know to do about it is see what i can do to make you flustered, then act smug when i succeed” thing. but over time when the novelty of that starts to wear off they both kinda realize they just straight up like each other and start being more genuine and soft.

shuukazu: again its a similar thing with shuu where he starts feeling more comfortable with letting himself be a little more genuine and START opening up. kazuaki picks up on this as a good sign and starts to worry less about trying to impress shuu and more just enjoying their time together.

13. When do they realize they should get together?

this is another one that i think is a similar answer in both cases, at least for shuu’s part he has a “dammit. i cant lose him” moment. since hes a person of very few words he tries to communicate “i want us to be serious” via letting down his walls a little bit, which hitori/kazuaki hopefully notice is happening and then are like “oh maybe we can work”

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

for shuu and hitori its “responsibly take care of you, bc its what i should do but also secretly i get STRESSED AS FUCK when someone i care about is sick so i gotta make sure youre okay”

for kazuaki its “take care of you, although i dont really know what im doing, also i thought since youre bedridden we could cuddle but its not as enjoyable as i wanted so like I’m Here but also im gonna watch tv okay? ill get u crackers and ginger ale”

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? Who gets the final vote?

hitoshuu: shuu’s gonna say he doesn’t care, but hitori also doesn’t really care so eventually he’ll get shuu to admit that he’d like to watch a nature documentary. especially if it’s marine-themed. hitori likes that too so hey there you go

shuukazu: shuu WILL watch the 76th pokemon movie OR ELSE

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

hitoshuu: both are cutthroat bastards that do anything it takes to keep each other safe. their reliance and trust in each other is probably 99% of what keeps them going.

shuukazu: again shuus gonna do literally anything it takes to keep kazuaki safe, but to be real i dont know if kazuaki is making it out of this one. and if he doesnt then shuus not either.

17. When they find a time machine, where do they go?

shuu’s answer is going to be at various points in prehistory to study organisms that are now long-extinct (side note god thats definitely my answer too). his bf is worried abt the dangers but comes with him to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble.

i think hitori might not have anything specific in mind but going to historical sites in their heydays seems like a good choice.

since kazuaki likes literature he’d probably want to see historical stuff related to that, like seeing shakespeare plays when they first came out and meeting his favorite dead authors to ask them questions.

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

hitoshuu: hitori doesn’t like to dance around that kind of thing, after a little time has passed for them to both think about it then he’ll just be direct and say “hey lets talk about that thing that happened” if he feels he was in the wrong then he’ll then follow that up with an apology. i can see hitori being a little grudgy but then quickly getting tired of it and just wanting things to be resolved. shuu hates talking things out because hes bad at it but he knows its best so he’ll just try to explain how he felt at the time but also what he’s considered since then. even if he’s not good at explaining himself, hitori is good at understanding him anyway so they usually work it out pretty quickly.

shuukazu: they can be messier since kazuaki gets really emotional really quickly and sometimes says things he doesnt mean. theyre both bad at dealing with it afterwards though until after a few awkward days, kazuaki cant take it and is like “waaa i dont want us to be fighting anymore 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺” and shuus like “ok.” because yeah he’ll take the easy way out. they could probably improve their communication tbh

19. Where do they go on their first date?

hitoshuu: they probably decide to do something simple and casual to make it less awkward so they just get coffee. shuu feels like, from what he knows, that he should be expecting hitori to make a move on him. hitori doesnt because he wants to be considerate of shuus comfort level, but shuu takes it as a sign of disinterest. luckily shuu realizes hes wrong about that when hitori quickly invites him on Another date where they take a stroll in the park, and thats when hitori goes in for the tactical hand-hold maneuver.

shuukazu: kind of the opposite of hitoshuu in that they dont really declare it officially as a date. kazuaki just asks shuu if he wants to see a movie with him, not really calling it a date but kind of implying it to be one. shuu probably doesnt care about the movie but thinks this might possibly maybe be a date so he should go. kazuaki then uses it as a chance to Put On The Movies, as awkward as that might be, including the classic “stretch with my arms up and then let one down over your shoulders” move. shuu doesnt really know how to indicate his own interest in response but hopes the fact that hes also not complaining in any way gives a hint. despite it not REALLY being an official date at the time, later on theyll look back on it and decide that yeah that was their first date.

20. Where do they go on holiday?

shuu hates taking time off work, but if he must, then he’ll be content as long as theres something scientifically interesting there like a museum or an aquarium.

hitori doesnt really mind where they go, hes just grateful to get to go on holiday at all, so he’ll let shuu pick. and again, that’s going to be somewhere with a natural history museum, probably a very nice one and they’ll both enjoy it.

kazuaki is similar in that he’s just happy to be there but his ideal holiday destination is probably just…. akihabara. so shuu relents and goes there with him occasionally. kazuaki does like to visit aquariums with shuu though! they do both

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

hitoshuu: the cemetery, at least at first when they arent used to being that vulnerable in front of each other

shuukazu: well shuu sure as shit is nervous about going to anime cons with kazu

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

in both cases, definitely at one of their homes, because shuus too much of a wreck to have a moment like that in a public place.

for shuukazu, i picture it that theyre just hanging out at kazuakis place and relaxing, and they end up cuddling a lot, and kazuaki kisses him kind of impulsively. hes then very apologetic about it before shuu manages to assure him that its fine.

hitoshuu, maybe hitori walks shuu home after a date and goes for the classic end of date goodbye kiss, but just on the cheek. then when once again hitori has walked shuu home, shuu wonders if he should expect a real kiss this time, but hitori goes for the cheek again. shuus disappointed and grabs hitoris sleeve before he turns away because he doesnt know how to say he wants more. but hitori takes the hint and kisses him for real this time.

23. Where is their favorite place to be together?

in both cases it’s at home, because shuu finds it much easier to be intimate when they’re in privacy. i think all three of them really appreciate just getting to relax together.

24. Where do they first have sex?

what did i say about this being a christian blog

25. Why do they fight?

usually its because shuu said something a little too tactless. hes not so clueless that he’ll say something really obviously offensive, but sometimes he really doesn’t know what’s too much. but his bf is hopefully understanding of this and corrects him Still Firmly but still with some “but i know you didnt mean it like that, we’re okay” way, because chances are he really didnt.

for hitoshuu specifically, hitori has to be on shuu about eating properly and can sometimes get kind of annoyed about it. shuus kneejerk reaction is to then be offended because hes an adult who can take care of himself. but they calm down and make up when shuu remembers that hitori just worries for him, and hitori remembers that shuu doesnt not eat just to spite him.

for shuukazu, i can see kazuaki’s lack of responsibility and aloofness start to get on shuu’s nerves, and when he brings it up kazuaki thinks he’s just being mean. again, similarly to hitoshuu, they get over it when kazuaki reminds himself that shuu wants him to be able to take care of himself, and shuu reminds himself as well that he can be too abrasive and should work on it.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

hitoshuu: they dont have to right away but over time it would be good for them to be honest abt their respective traumas and the shit theyre dealing with instead of hiding it

shuukazu: similar, shuu should probably get around to being more open abt his shit. they might also want to have a talk abt what a serious relationship is gonna look like for them

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them?

hitoshuu: i answered this already! but again, its bc theyre so ~responsible~

shuukazu: ppl either see kazuaki being super clingy and think “man hes so overbearing, his poor partner 😒” or see shuu being emotionless and think “man theyre so cold, their poor boyfriend 😒” actually they gotta mind their own damn business

28. Why do they get jealous?

hitoshuu: i feel like hitori actually gets hit on a pretty decent amount. shuu is never happy about it, but the death glares he starts sending usually scare the person off anyway

shuukazu: both of them think the other is too good for them so if anyone looks at them with even a little too much interest the other is immediately like “well i guess this is it”

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?

hitoshuu: little moments shuu loves is when hitori asks him how he is, how he slept. when he makes him dinner. hitori loves when shuu looks deep in thought, tucks his hair behind his ear, and he definitely likes to see him get along with nageki, which he does.

shuukazu: shuu loves when kazuakis eyes light up with excitement when he sees something he likes, especially when shuu realizes that hes one of those things too. he also loves kazuakis really nice hugs, especially when shuu just woke up from a nightmare. kazuaki loves how shuu listens to him intently, and asks questions about the things hes interested in, and sometimes rests his hand on him when hes getting tired.

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them?

hitoshuu: both are important figures in each other’s lives, obv shuu helped nageki but also hitori is probably the first person to get even a little close to shuu after ryuuji died. theyre both just pockets of trauma but are doing their best so it would be good for them to support each other and try to heal. theyre both pretty dependable so when the going gets tough they’re each other’s rocks

shuukazu: theyre definitely the “it will never work” couple that ends up working anyway. shuu might think kazuaki is annoying at first but if ryuuji is any indication shuu definitely seems to gravitate towards people who are more chill and even a little silly, and when shuu realizes that kazuaki isnt as dumb as he makes himself seem that helps a lot. for kazuaki shuu definitely has a ~mysterious~ aspect that draws him in initially but when it wears off as he learns more about shuu, instead of the magic being gone he just starts finding him more relatable and endearing so their relationship actually improves.

[that-whatever]

so i found this in my drafts

i was gonna flush it out but now i think ill just post it as is, its my thought of how each of the vox machina gang reacted to the quote from bard lament (or at least one of that set) where vax said “He's family, and family leaves’  idk it just hit me hard in that moment how each one of the vm group could really relate to that, it gets longer with each member (as this was me sort of in character ranting at 3am) and its missing pike, again i planned on flushing this out but its been ages now, so, 

Keylet - her mom, left without a proper goodbye, on bad days hopes shes dead, at least that way it wasn't her choice, on better days that shes kidnapped and tortured, if she's alive out there shell have to exp a pain she doesn't want of abandonment and rejection she knows its wrong she does but if she finds out she's been out there all these years, never returning on her own volition, she doesn't know what she’d do

Percy - lost enough ppl to make him feel sick at night, a large family of parents, siblings, children god they were children he’s surrounded by loss but what hurts more than anything is that he left he left his sister to the fucking wolves to die even unknowingly he abandoned her, left her. the emotions he's plagued with and he consciously does it every day, she's breaking at the seam overloaded and overwhelmed with work, running a city he should be carrying, its the least he could do he tells himself she has more preparation for this, but he's not too sure that helps him feel better shes stopped asking him to come back to help her after his constant rejections, but he can see the pleading in her dark circles and graying hair he left her then, and he's done it every day since. out with his friends while his sister lies trapped in her castle with no knight in sight

Grog was never one for emotions, he's really only ever felt three, in his whole life, happy, angry and hungry, that's an emotion, right? Hell ask pike later. He hears vax and knows immediatley that its true, his herd left him bleeding out to die they walked away with his blood on their hands with not even a shred of doubt on their minds hes told keyleth once, and vax too at one point, that the herd isnt his family anymore, vox mochina is, and he believes that but he cant help but think its not all true, half of it is, he knows that much, vox mochina is his family, he fights harder hearing their war cries and strives to be better knowing they have his back, their blood runs through his viens, but he cant help thinking the other half isnt all true, no doubt its not all false either, but, part of him is still hung up on the herd leaving him all those years ago, when he fought kevdak, a large part of him wanted to knock him to the ground, to scream this is for all those years ago, look how ive grown see what ive become, better than I ever could be with you lot, the need to prove himself so inherent around the herd he almost forgot where he was, and no, they arent his family anymore, sometimes he thinks they never were, not family in the sense of what he knows it to be now, but it nags at him, they arent his family anymore but its still the tiniest bit painful, to look back on his old memories

Vax says it with an amount of resentment that surprises even him. when they went to live with their dad, vax was prepared to hate him, to push him away in favor of sticking by vex, so when they saw, truly, how despicable of a man he really was, vax couldn't help his apathy towards the situation grow, sure he was angry, but he found himself more angry that his father was so idiotic as to reject the love they had for him, that he wasn't even willing to open his arms to them, than anything else, it was him and vex against the world, always has been, what was the point of being bitter about some douchebag father. He's always known he was an emotional man though, far more than anyone else in his group, beyond Percy's brooding eyes and grogs dreadful lack of knowledge, he swears he heard him ask pike if hungry was an emotion the other day, and anyone who would dare call him cynical was just doing so based on stereotype, its not his fault he's inclined to wear all black and have a scorn on his face half the time, he's a hopeful guy, and he knows a lot of his dreams come from a place of hurt, he sits often and thinks of what he can hopefully have one day, the type of father he wants to be, to have kids who don't doubt for a second of his love for them, sick of hearing him say it all the time, supporting them through thick and thin growing a family so wonderful his heart is heavy with his contentment, waking up every day with a smile and tiny puffs of red hair tickling his chin,

Vex couldn't help the tears that fell at vax’s words, she's angry at Scanlan shes furious, he left them he knew what they've all been through and with a wound still fresh shes brought back to her pitiful excuse of a childhood, of a father she greeted with hope, who struck her down almost immediately, sparing no time to crush it down every chance he got, and even when her love for him depleted it never left, she wanted to prove herself to him, to gain his love pride and respect, never truly gaining it but always trying nonetheless. Anytime vax told her pleadingly to give it up she begged for one more day I can change his mind vax I'm sure of it. when they left she felt like a tree fell on her, she was drained exhausted from trying so hard and tired from having her emotions toyed with every waking minute, when they arrived back to their rightful home, to only be met with the smell of smoke, she cried harder than she ever thought possible, her entire childhood, every essense of her home, her mother her memories of being young all nothing but ash, she held vaxs hand as tight as she could, as if she could hold onto him so tight that the wretched rock of a planet they were standing on would stop spinning so fast for a few moments, let her catch her breath for a little while, that if she held on tight enough, he would squeeze back and neither would ever let go, this was it they were it, it was them two alone in the world they were all they had, their last hope an empty lot in a burned down town, she wondered how scanlan, who had lost people himself, could do this to them, put them through this, later she told herself if she truly believed that he knew what it was like to be abandoned, to do that to kaylie would be far worse than what he did, to give someone else the fatherless childhood he had, she and vax had, that would be far worse

Scanlan cant help but over hear him, he was only steps away from the door when vax opened his mouth, and scanlan cant help but smile a little looking over at kaylie, at his daughter, yes family leaves, god doesnt he know, but sometimes, sometimes they come back, they return and they love, he grips his daughters hand and they walk and he knows in his heart hes doing the right thing, months later, eating at a table far too big in a room far too small hes laughing with kaylie mouth wide and eyes streaming, for a second he listens as the table next to him goes into a story detailing the fight they saw at emon, his name comes up a few times but hes more innterested in the others, for the slightest of moments his smile falters and he leans farther down in his chair, but family returns, and maybe one day he will, on worse days when hes feeling more bitter he tells himself he shouldnt, its what they deserve, but he knows thats not true, in that moment he looks back up at kaylie, still reeling from his joke, rightfully so it was hilarious as all his jokes are, and his smile return full force, it was just the right thing to do, and he cant help feeling justified,

[spiffysixxsense]

hi yes helllo, i am here to fulfill my annoying bestfriend obligation and make you answer all of the nosy asks

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

I love you too! Also why are you screaming?

2: Did you get to sleep in today?

technically, yes. I have class on Tuesdays at 11, which is later than either of my jobs start. But Wednesday’s are usually my one day off so tomorrow Im SLEEEEPINGGGG

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

Not a question, but yes I agree.

4: Do you have siblings?

Nope, just me myself and I. 

5: How many kids do you want?

I go back and forth between saying having kids sounds awful, and saying I want to create a stable family life for myself and children. On a children kinda day, I would say at most 3, most likely 2. 

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

Alex (here we go with the every answer is about @reddragon8000)

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Well, my boyfriend is 9 inches taller than me, however if he looks down and I look up I don’t HAVE to go on my toes. So to answer the question, I think no.

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

I hope he would?

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

My Grandpa :)

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

No, it was at my door as he left my apartment. 

11: When’s your birthday?

May 7th

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

Yes, it was 2 years and 5 days ago♥

13: What kind of phone do you have?

Samsung Galaxy 8

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

I am wearing jean high waisted shorts

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

Yes and no to be honest. I feel like 5 years ago I imagined being much farther in life than I currently am. Meaning I’m not as different as I hoped I would be. 

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

Actually, sleeping for once.

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

When I give a speech, I just essentially write a paper and then memorize it. So I would choose paper just to eliminate some steps.

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

Answered 

19: Last night you felt…?

Stressed about the presentation I had to give today.

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

To graduate? I guess? Even that I’m scared for too though.

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

I honestly don’t think so. I have just not told them where I’m going, and not even because it was “bad”, but because they didn’t ask. 

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

about 5. 

23: Are you a morning or night person?

Buddy I am barely even a person. (I am SUCH a night person though.)

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

Diving in the grass playing volleyball.

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

Yes. (except the bot texts I get about congress lol)

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

 I answer it slightly worried because he never calls me out of the blue, but happy to answer it. 

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No, a doorway

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

My ex, probably. 

29: How many months until your birthday?

10 lol

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Apples

31: Did you like this past summer?

It was fine, so sure. 

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

laying in bed on my phone.

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

Tell her to run. Or just leave because thats still awkward af. 

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

“Not recently, Ill take care of him“

35: Your mood summed into one word?

Broken? Like mentally over it?

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

Listening/split screen watching to ASMR

37: What are your initials?

GLT

38: Are you a happy person?

Externally , yes. Internally, no. 

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

Yes, I have been dating the person I like for 2 years. lol

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

I have never really thought about it because I never planned to live that long. Staying in Michigan is honestly fine with me.

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

Yes, 2 months ago.

42: What did you do yesterday?

Went to my internship in Downtown Detroit. Got Qdoba with my mom.

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

SLEEEEPING

44: How late did you stay up last night?

About 3 am

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

Yes.

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

Depends on the moment. Sometimes nothing makes me laugh and other times someone can say pudding and ill crack up.

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

No. You can claim youre friends, but it is never the same afterwards. 

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

Answered

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

Well I got with my ex of 4 years in august of 2012, so at least one. 

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

I guess not.

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Only once, and it was only the bottom half of my hair.

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

No, the stress, worry, and insecurity would never go away.

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

No, I was sick as hell. 

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

I mean I kinda always miss Alex when I don’t see him all day. Lame, I know. 

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

Recommend how to take care of it, probably. 

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

Stomach.

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

maybe the Upper Peninsula of Michigan? always seems cute and quaint up there.

58: What would you change about your life right now?

My family relationships, my anxiety.

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

Well my boyfriend and I got a flat tire on vacation a week ago? lol

60: Are you on the phone?

No, I never am actually talking on the phone. 

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

Forward.

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

40k, could help pay for a car but this way I still have options. 

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

Yes, when youre sober it is pretty hilarious. 

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Once.

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

I can’t think of a specific time, but Im SURE i have.

66: Are you the type of person who likes to be out or at home?

AT HOME. my favorite days are the ones where i never have to leave. 

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

yes.

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

I think so.

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

At this very moment i took a 2 hour nap a while ago, so im okay. 

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

Given I am 22 with no kids, I am gonna say no.

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

Of course? doesnt it bother everybody?

72: What’s your favorite color?

like dark teal, blue/green.

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

Yes. Sometimes without AC so as far away as possible while in the same bed lol. 

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

Yes, anytime I am on the phone for some reason I am always looking for my phone. 

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

Y E S S S S S

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Sure, even though I am taken, it would still be a little flattering. 

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

Yes, although I tend not to tell anybody everything. 

78: Does anyone call you babe?

Alex does

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

1. 2 including my dad. 

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

Relationship, but if you wanna one night stand then go ahead. 

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

Black

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

Yes, both in the not in my life anymore and not on this Earth anymore. 

[stonermurphy]

*kicks down door* You should talk to me about NB Connor because NB Connor is the best.

um yes of course i’ll talk about my fave NB kid in the world?? 

ahjdgajhgdjhga this is WAY longer than i thought it would be so headcanons are under the cut 

they’ve always loved doing gender conformingstuff from a very very young age, like painting their nails, wearing skirts,growing their hair out long, etc.,,, theres a ton of pictures of a rly littleconnor murphy running around in skirts and pigtails with their nails paintedall different colors,,, even still they HATED being called a girl, almost asmuch as they hated being told to ‘man up’ and ‘act like a boy’

zoe, their trans girl sister, came out when shewas 6 or 7, causing a lot of jealousy and resentment from connor. Jealousy becushe wished he could be as confident in one gender over another as she is but insteadhe just hates them both,,, and resentment becus their parents know how tohandle zoes situation waay better than they did connors (connor doesnt realizethat’s only because their parents had learned from their experience with them)

after zoe came out they stopped dressing up asmuch,, they didn’t feel comfortable dressing as girl when they weren’t one whenzoe was actually trying to live her life as a girl. They ended giving all their‘girly things’ to zoe as hand-me-downs and even let larry take them to get ahaircut

they realize they’re gay when about 13 or 14,,, havinggrown up hearing a lot of stereotypical homophobic rhetoric (not from theirparents specifically) they half believed the gay men dress up as womenstereotype and chalked up their gender issues to having issues with beinggay. They try their best to put out oftheir head how badly being called a boy or a girl makes them feel and focus onbeing comfortable with liking boys

when they started really go through the thick oftheir mental illness they grew their hair back out (mostly out ofdepression and an unwillingness to get things done) and started painting theirnails again (chipped black that would stay on for weeks,, never the freshlypainted rainbows from when they were young) and went back to questioning themselfon the daily. Im talking staying awake at night thinking “am I actually agirl?? no definitely not being seen as a girl sucks,,,, but I don’t think im aboy?? definitely not a girl and maybe not a boy what the fuck does that mean??”(they know they could probably google shit but their paranoia makes them tooworried someone will find out what they were googling and ask them about it andthey absolutely could not handle that conversation)

after their failed suicide attempt they spendthree weeks in the psych ward where they’re asked whether theyre comfortablewith their gender and sexuality and they lie through their teeth. They’re notcomfortable, they’ve never been comfortable, but theyre not about to tell thatto a strange. Saying theywere comfortable and happy with themselves in that regard felt like a punch inthe gut.

when they get home they have a whole list ofcoping skills and a ‘protection plan’ in place and theyre almost excited to seethings change for the better. they get meds, they get a therapist, and thingsare still really really rough but theyre actually trying now,,, and they wantso bad to rebuild their relationship with their family (mostly zoe, they knowwhat they’ve done to her and have no plans to forgive themself for it even ifshe eventually by some miracle does)

in an effort to actually work towards recoverythey try to figure themself outa bit and go back to doing their hair up and painting their nails differentcolors,, they even go so far as to get themselves some skirts and dresses fromgoodwill (only ever worn when the rest of the murphys are out of the house) andinstead of worrying about what those things mean they let themselves just enjoythe things they used to enjoy so much

zoe notices. she notices how hard they’re tryingnow. she notices how much less frequent their outbursts and episodes are. shenotices them specifically trying their best to be nice to her, to be a goodolder sibling. she notices how relaxed they look when theyre painting their nails, when theyre justfocusing on themselves instead of the world around them. she notices theyre a lotmore like the person she used to know. she also, thank god, notices thesick-to-my-stomach look connor gets when someone confuses them for a girl, andthe hesitation to correct them and say they were a boy. zoe notices all thesethings and they all point her in the direction of wanting to help her sibling,wanting them to know who they were.

·Her absolute first move is to drag connor along totheir high schools GSA,, having already asked alana (the genderqueer lesbian president)to make the subject of the next meeting a discussion on nonbinary genders. shesreally super confident they just need some things explained to them and thenthey’ll at least be on the right track.

Connor gets EXTREMELY overwhelmed at the idea ofso many fucking genders,, like they already hated the two and now theres so somany more for them to rifle through and figure out don’t fit them either. They kindof panic and leave in the middle of the meeting, not wanting to hear any more thanthey already did,, zoe chases after them and they absolutely pour their heartout in one long garbled paragraph that they barely breathe through before zoejust kind of pats him on the back like “you know its totally fine to just,, nothave a gender. Like that’s how a lot of people use the overarching nonbinaryterm, to just mean ‘genderless’” and that,,, genuinely calms them down. likeall those terms were so MUCH but just not having to deal with gender at allsounded SO appealing

and that’s kind of just?? It?? Like they knownow that gender doesn’t really HAVE to be a thing for them at all and they decidethat’s absolutely how they want to live their life so they straight up do,, being gay is the only thing that connects them to gender in anyway and tho that takes time to come to terms with on its own they really are genuinely happier now that theyre not left wondering whether theyre a boy or a girl

they still dont wear skirts or dresses in public anymore, but theyre fine wearing them around zoe and eventually theyre fine wearing them amongst their other friends as well (didnt take too long considering alana evan and jared arent cis either),, not to mention the shift in mood that came with their friends referring to them with they/them pronouns and gender neutral language 

the end, connor is living their best life with friends and a sister who absolutely support them for who they are and are more than happy to help them through their rough days becus theyre willing to the same for all of them as well thank you 

[bi-rezi]

LONG below cut, just cosplay thoughts, nothing beyond lists of what i’d need for certain characters and some rambling

the reason for all this is that the friend who went with me to geek kon last year asked if i wanted to go this year. i told them maybe because on the one hand it was super fun but on the other hand i have a job now, so we’ll see. any amount of this may or may not pan out.

for jasprose:

white wig

white face paint

fur? (just for cheeks)

white cat ears

purple/pink headband

long-sleeved white tunic (with purple/pink trim and puff sleeves)

white leggins with pink/purple trim

pink/purple socks

white shoes with pink/purple trim

the fucking, neckpiece thing

pink/purple party hat

fangs (opt.)

pink/purple contacts (opt.) (ONE EYE OF EACH WOULD BE SICK AS FUCK)

for davepeta:

so much god. probably not worth it, sadly.

for karkat:

new, better wig

loose plain black shirt (to add symbol)

plain gray pants - do i already have these?

teeth (opt.)

gray/red contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for dave:

wig (throwback to when i had dave hair haha)

shirt

red contacts (opt.)

for rose:

new, better wig

white/lavendar pencil skirt

purple contacts (opt.)

for dead aradia:

wig maybe

horns - wire, tinfoil, yarn, paint

black t-shirt - cut up sleeves + slit in bottom hem

long gray skirt - cut up

red and white socks

black vans w/ white laces (opt.)

white mesh contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for kanaya:

wig maybe

black t shirt

red skirt - make?

white face paint (opt.)

green lipstick (opt.)

purple sash with green stain (if white face paint) (opt.)

gray/green contacts (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for roxy:

wig

shirt

skirt

legwarmers

scarf (opt.)

pink contacts (opt.)

for dirk:

wig (and id have to style it, ugh)

shirt

glasses - probably part thrift, part make, though it depends on what kind of stuff i can find

i have a broken styrofoam head so its a pipe dream of mine that i sculpt that with clay into a semi-realistic severed head and then either carry it around as dirk with the sendificator over my head or as jake and kiss it occasionally, but i have a lot of different feelings over the latter lately so probably i’d do the former. either way, that’d be a lot of work.

for sollux:

wig (hopefully not same wig as karkat/kanaya/anyone else)

horns

shirt

gray pants

a pair of white shoes and a pair of black shoes (which is annoying as fuck BUT i could use the black shoes for aradia w the white shoes’s laces and vice versa for roxy so id be able to use them for other stuff. plus vans-type shoes are cheap)

red and blue glasses (probably make somehow??)

red/blue contacts (opt.)

teeth (opt.)

ears (opt.)

nepeta’d be cool but a pretty particular (purrticular) type of person (nepeta stans, basically, and i’m not one of those) tends to cosplay her so ill pass

for terezi:

wig

horns

shirt

glasses - make somehow

red shoes

red contacts (opt.)

teeth (opt.)

ears (opt.)

for vriska (pre loss of eye and arm because that shits hard):

wig

horns

shirt

gray overshirt

glasses

red shoes (preferably something that looks like converse but i could just use the same shoes for her and terezi)

i dont actually remember if i have good blue lipstick or not. i know i have shitty blue lipstick that basically doesnt have pigment but im not sure about good blue lipstick. in any case i know tricks for that but hm. not sure.

blue/gray contacts (opt.)

fangs (opt.)

ears (opt.)

equius... im just not really interested. i once thought about doing eridan but i dont like him anymore so nah. feferi... would be cool, but i think the skirt would be a little beyond my knowledge of sewing. i could do jane or jade but frankly i find them harder to emulate as a cosplayer and i could do john, jake, or dirk, but i just dont wanna.

for meenah:

braids - i wont make the mistake of trying to make them out of real fake hair again, i promise you that, i still have two seven-foot chunks of loose hair in the basement that im not doing anything with

trident - i literally have all the materials for this i just havent made it

glasses - make somehow/thrift a pair

shirt - the one i used to have is ruined (i know canonically she wears a t shirt but for some reason everyone cosplays her in a crop top, including me.) (i fucked up my shirt by not knowing how to work the printing stuff i got, like, the night before the con.)

tank top (depending on whether my current one fits me still)

horns - the ones i have are pretty much beyond fixing now so i’d have to start over. that’s fine though, i have plenty of materials.

teeth (opt.)

mesh contacts (opt.)

ear fins - i have these but i could stand to paint them pink since atm theyre purple, but otherwise theyre pretty close to perfect as is.

universal items i’ll probably need no matter what:

black and white t shirts (thats pretty much everyone)

screenprinting paper for dark or light shirts, depending on who i do

i have paint but having more wouldn’t hurt, and i might want/need white paint as well

fangs/teeth - for these i’d like to buy nice scarecrow fangs and use those and then maybe make some shitty mouthfuls of teeth with fake nails and that melty plastic shit

wigs - i’m willing to shell out a bit more for these as well. i’d like a nice short black one for karkat, kanaya, and if i ever decide to do jane, john, or jake, and though i have a long black wig it sucks pretty hard and i need a better one, probably curly, with bangs. though straight would be okay for most of these anyway. the only person who needs a medium length wig is terezi, and that’s actually pretty much true for all of hs, which is... too bad.

horns - i have a few pairs of horns already and PLENTY of clay to make more, but for bigger horns i’d need more than model magic. for aradia (and probably eridan and mmmaybe equius though im not doing either of them) and maybe vriska and kanaya (just to make those joints easier) id use the wire, tinfoil, and yarn method, but anything smaller than that i can use my clay. i already have peixes and vantas horns, though the peixes horns are broken and are resisting being fixed and the vantas horns don’t attach very well. i also have leijon horns in the works as well that were originally for davepeta. but id use clay to make vantas, captor, leijon, maybe maryam, pyrope, and maybe equius horns, and i used it for my peixes horns (though i didnt attach them well to the headband so those didnt go great).

contacts - i have actual regular contacts now, so now i wont have to worry about being blind ever. the next step is to get cosplay lenses (yes i know safe sites to get them from, yes i know my prescription and what size to get, yes i know how to be safe buying contacts). the best investement for sure would be a gray pair and a mesh pair, just speaking in terms of sheer number of characters. beyond that, it depends on who i end up cosplaying as to what color lenses i buy. for instance, if i decide on aradia, meenah, and dave, white and red lenses make the most sense. if i decide on rose, jasprose, and karkat, purple and gray ones make the most sense.

for any glasses, i’m going to be looking at thrift shops first and foremost. if i don’t find anything in a reasonable time, i’ll find stuff online.

i have probably two-thirds of a pot of snazzaroo, which will probably be enough, but if i decide to do a sprite or vampire kanaya, i’ll need white paint as well. plus if i decide to do more than one troll, i might want more gray paint anyway.

ears - i dont have any rn. i know a few methods to make them and a few places i can buy them but i’d probably end up making them anyway, mostly for cost-effectiveness.

as for money... well, i’ll do my best. i have an actual job now, and it’s pretty good. ive worked a lot in my first few days and ill keep working so even with taxes my paychecks are gonna be pretty sweet. id take commissions but i still have yet to consistently create any kind of art so im waiting til i can do that. also i dont have a way to get that money rn. nbd either way; i dont have any expenses besides this type of thing atm so its not like im hurting for money.

also i wouldnt have to cosplay only homestuck but a) im lazy and b) ive never loved anything the way ive loved homestuck so i kind of wouldnt want to betray my brand(tm)

(but if i wasnt going to cosplay only homestuck, which might be a good idea since idk how much homestuck the person i’d be going with is doing, i’d probably do taako.)

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i had a nice weekend, amazingly enough. in some ways i feel we both made an effort but at the same time we didn’t. like we just chilled - didnt try to make plans or rush through, just accepted that this was the activity.

it helped to change the routine up a bit. since my roommate left, we decided to stay at my place. i had a friend over for tea before being dropped off at his place where we packed up some things and came back. we got weed and alcohol and watched the unabomber documentary on netflix. it was nice - no one was yelling, no one was bothered. i brought my bed out to the living room so we could watch the big screen and relax.

in the morning we went to the bakery and bought good stuff for breakfast. smoked some weed, finished the unabomber series and took a nap. then we went skating at the park downtown before buying ingredients to make a fancy pasta dinner at his house.

it was very nice. i felt that this was ~my christmas. we definitely needed time / space to enjoy each other as is instead of constantly rushing and or making plans for other things. the success of it and the lure of downtown began helping him change his min (as well as the fact he wants to live the life the unabomber lived and now he realizes its kind of crazy)tm

this week i have a doctors appointment and im supposed to get a tattoo. he leaves on friday basically but he should be back before the next friday which oesnt seem that bad at all? he’ll still be here for new years. and my birthday. considering i dont care about christmas anyways, seems like an okay deal and i’ll probably get free random shit from people anyways. 

things are 20% less bad than they were on thursday/friday last week. it’s not great but i dont want to die. which is like .... the most normal level of being for me possible rght now. i am not “excited” to see my doctor because it means ive gone off the deep end but i am excited for the relief that i will feel upon talking to a professional who advocates for me. i am considering asking if he would want to talk to one of my friends who has been dealing with me to see if it would help because i think it would help to see that i have smart friends who are active in my life in positive ways - like i still want to provide proof that i’m not just some drug addict.

on the weekend i told him the story of my cat frank. frank died in really traumatic circumstances which was totally unusual for most people. frank was very very very sick and i took him to the vet by bus because my father was very sick. the vet took my cat, performed emergency procedures on him, then asked me to pay for it. when i couldnt pay for it they gave me the option of releasing it to the humane society, which the humane society woulnt take it and i would have to rive it there myself or put the now healthy cat down. so basically i had to put it down. they wanted me to pay to put it down as well. i had a friends father come in and he yelled at them and made a ig eal and they put it down for me for free.

in my life, i figured this was just ~ another thing. he asked me why this happened, how it couldve happened, that it was like a really terrible story if not one of the worst he’s ever heard and pressed for details. i did not fully realize at the time how unique my exprience was. i thought this went with my old line of belief - i was crazy. i was the crazy one just experiencing the world aroun me and reacting to it in a crazy way. i just “didnt understand” what was happening. i was 16 and alone and just dealing with this. 

but i was not crazy. i had taken my family pet to the vet like anyone would in modern society on the expectation that they cared about animals. but they did not care at all and i dont think that people fully understand that the pet industry is about money - it is not about the animal at all. but most people will drain their bank accounts for a beloved animal. i know people who have spent thousands of dollars and acted like it was completely normal and okay. 

is it though? i dont know. it seems fucked that we domesticated animals to an overabunance and then put a huge price tag on caring for one that they would otherwise kill. when this animal once survived in the wild without any care at all. 

but i tried to explain the nuances of this story to him which he would have zero understanding of at all. it is a bit like racism. you would never understand what a black person felt if you are not black. you do not get the nuanced glances and little shuffles away from you on a daily basis that makes you feel inhuman. and you cant explain the depth of that to someone - it sounds like you’re overreacting and nitpicking when this bothers your soul because you were merely born into the world and others are reacting to you for no reason at all.

so i tried to explain the nuances of being in poverty, having an alternative style and possibly being perceived as not white. which is a weird and unknown factor to my life - i am perceived as not white. i cannot say for certain what i am perceived as - i’ve gotten mixed, spanish and asian. but many times i am perceived as “not white”. i believe as i am getting older and my “alternative” style has become more like an old witchy type lady who just wears black and i am judged even more based on my natural looks that i am in fact coming across as more native american now than since i was a kid. 

it is kind of easy to tell by clothes if someone is experiencing poverty. kind of. sometimes people are still really insecure and want to portray themselves better off because they know its more beneficial to do so. some eople have no choice at all. as a teenager my “altnerative style” itself looked poor. i wore ripped jeans and band tshirts, i had weird colored hair that i cut myself and i probably had gross peircings. maybe i was wearing makeup from the night before. maybe my shoes had holes in them. maybe my jacket did. maybe i wore my leopard print coat. i dont know. i dont even know what i looked like or what i wore - i expressed myself through my style and i was very all over the place. maybe they judged me by this.

and its so easy to “understand” the judgement of “some punk kid” but the nuanced beliefs that follow it are not. punk to many is a criminal. a drug addict. someone who doesnt care. a kid is someone who does understand, that they can control and manipulate. someone in poverty has no choice and other people wont care. they wont care that this is a teenage girl saving her beloved pet, willing to work out payment plans and everthing else to do it. 

he did seem to understand my perspective. i have alot to deal with. this is why its offensive when i have to hear him lament about some other person’s life - who i honestly have no doubt they struggled. i really dont. if i met them independently and they told me of their lives, i bet we would get along (provided they werent a drug addict anymore) because i feel we’d probably empathize with eachother far more than he ever empathized with us. and i have only heard stories from others and every story is terrible - their successes are few and far between and they actively make harmful choices. imagine how they felt life was like for them to come to such conclusions on how they’ll live. to make choices to shoot drugs and fuck with all these people without care - that’s probably a lot of people actively not loving you and/or serious mental illness. 

but when the focus is on that and them and my struggles are taken without the same heaviness or seriousness or acceptance of how this would affect me .. it’s offensive. i do not want to be in competition with anyone for a shitty life. you cannot even be proud of that. it’s just sad. i’m sa for them, i’m sad for me - it’s just sad. but when no seriousness is taken on my life, i find myself trying to defend the belief that my life was not easy. and not just “not easy” like my parents divorced  or i didnt get into the school i wanted. like really seriously not easy, likely equal to the not easiness of this person as well. i just had a completely unique not easy experience to them and perhaps it’s not as wild or entertaining? or i’m not the cute little white blonde girl? 

i explained this to another friend about a doctor. as a teenager a friend and i  went to the doctor to try and find some help for me. we were our usual teenage goth selves and the doctor pretty much laughed and thought we were lesbians (we were not, which i guess kudos to him for accepting our perceived homosexuality but that wasnt part of the issue at hand) 

this is just the very obvious points. the examples you can see where most likely some judgement occurred but the actual bigger picture is what all these nuanced interactions equal out to. if everyday my interaction with someone is clouded by pre-conceived notions of being a drug addict, a criminal, “not white” (which in itself could be leading to the first two but is racist all around anyways) or to the lesser degrees - strange, not “socially acceptable”. but i am none of these things -  am just me. 

and you know, right now i am in a place much like my friend was as a teenager. she struggled with her racial identitiy. she did not want to be seen as “brown”. she carried hatred and resentment towards her culture and did not want to accept it despite being “brown”. so like her, i am very non-accepting of drug addicts because their existence makes mine harder. a drug addict many times lives in poverty. “not white” people are perceived as drug addicts. alternative styles are seen as drug addicts. and drug addicts themselves, many of whom i’ve interacted with, are not nice people. they are not people you want to be around and yes - they are still people. under the heroin and crack, they are still people hurt and struggling. i get it. but they just made the struggle for themselves and me ten times harder. so i have to fight and defend myself that i am not a drug addict which is so hard to prove because they can believe you’re popping pills or your trip to the bathroom took too long and it’s frustrating as hell.

unlike my friend i do not have to accept my identity as a drug addict because i’m not one. i realized that i did in fact choose to take a harder route in the struggles of life because doing drugs is the easy way. and yes, smoking weed is kind of the same but i’ve dealt and cried about life. every experience ive had with other drugs has been very numbing and exaggerated and an altered viewpoint. that is not how i react with weed. i dont know if others react differently and i wouldnt argue if they did. but this is my reaction. i would smoke 2 joints everyday before i took an anti depressant which i have taken and do not have the same very positive effects. 

but when ihave done other drugs and if i chose to continue to do other drugs its a complete escape. 100% non functioning escape. and it’s not like “do a little” mdma and you’re just a little happier all day. PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND YOUR WEIRD ASS which is affected by this drug in unusual ways like you’re a “little happier” and everyone else is uncomfortable. congrats. i do drugs and i am writhing on the floor like a piece of shit. 

anyways, he told his mother the story about the vet and she essentially pushed it aside and said it seemed unlikely. she is why my life is shit. people ust like her multiplied into the thousands. for all the nuanced judgements and personal experiences - it seemed unlikely. but it did happen. this is my life. you’re telling me my life seems unlikely. this is exactly what happened. a grown man with a government job came in and yelled at them. i know his name. why would that occur? do you not understand WHY I AM CRAZY?

i am constantly looking for validation because of people like her. not everyone is like her. some people with vast life experiences or real open minds take you for your word. anything is possible in life. but many people don’t. and many of those people hold positions of power or authority which may even be as simple as being a teacher or principal. but those people will shape and guide the path your life in society is going to take. when i told people of what was going on - they didn’t believe me, they didnt care; it seemed unlikely. so i’m left questioning the importance, my sanity, my perspective as well as dealing with the actual active problem entirely on my own with absolutely no help or direction what so ever. thank god i was an egotistical cocky angry teenager. my punk ass attitude and anger and genera ignorance got me through things i honest to god probably wouldnt even do now. younger me was ten times harder. i was ready to do anything go anywhere but i didnt because i had guilt and apathy. i didnt have the same apathy as i do now, but there was some. i dont have guilt anymore and looking back had i followed through on my teenage dreams, i mightve been better off. i wanted to move out early. i wanted to move out at like 15 - 16 years old. if my dad had not gotten sick, i wouldve been working at a job where i made 350 - 500$ every week doing shit i was fully 100% capable of doing with no issue what so ever. in a home environment interacting with one other person. i realized i had earned like 4000$ in the 3 -4 months i was working there and had literally nothing because i spent it on weed and vodka and ecstacy. then i lost the job for being so stressed out and smoking so much weed before and during work that i couldnt even do the job anymore. which was like SHIT I DO EVERY DAY ANYWAYS. 

at 17 i spent 3 months living by myself. literally. while working. an taking care of any responsibilities my sick father put on me and this is before hes even in the house. most people cant eve comprehend the idea of me doing this now but this is what i did. what you need to realize is that my mother at the time was also still alive. so for whatever reason she just ... didn’t give a fuck this was happening. she knew. she was fully aware. but not once did she offer anything. she just wanted to know if he was going to be dead or not. 

17 year old me dealt with this by smoking an insanely large amount of weed which i do not think i have even matched to this day because never have i had that much disposable income again. but not only did i smoke weed, i did a shit ton of mdma and k and drank a lot of vodka which was my drink of choice at the time. we stole my dads van, three times, for lke no purpose. it was bad. this was essentially my most punk era of time which i now look back on pretty disappointed with myself because i had the wherewithal to get a job, maintain a job but then be a complete piece of shit teenager. that was my time - had i not given into drugs or alcohol i’d have been WAY different. period. 

by not taking that way out - and i feel like people don’t understan i made a concious decision not to do it anymore but eliminating toxic people in my life and like completely removing myself from these situations. the last time of significance that i did drugs - my friend came from toronto to visit. this is what we did. the routine. she came and we woul get “bored” and decide lets just pool what money we have and get something. so i asked everyone on facebook - at the time i had probably 150+ friends (super unusual for me a really big number) and just asked anyone and everyone. a random kid who went to our school back in the day (we were probably 18 now) said he had some pills. we walked in the dark to meet this kid and he gave us 2 pills for 20$ which is a pretty big rip off but we didnt care. we went back to my place, popped them and got high as fuck. half way through our trip, my bf at the time randomly shows up. which was a big deal; he live 3 hours away and was surprising me. we were very surprised and it was awkward and weird and it wasnt like we could send him away. we had to spend a few hours with him awkwardly before she slept in the other room and i had an uncomfortable time “sleeping” with him. 

i decided then maybe i was getting too old. i spent two years doing drugs and going through his routine and it was wearing on my body already. my teeth and gums were always sore from grinding, my lungs were always sore from smoking so many cigarettes, i was spending all of my money on drugs - there was times when the drugs were clearly mixed with other more disgusting drugs like coke and meth and it would result in way more fucked up reactions like the time i hit myself in the thigh with a baton for 30 minutes before my friend noticed and made me stop. but the repetition and pain were part of the enjoyment for me. all of the times i was on drugs, i was a different person. i was someone i would never actually be. sure, my inhibitions were lower but the filters of how i truly felt and would act are no longer there and thats not a real represenation of my actual true self. these are just deep layers of myself that i may not even want to share or would normally consent to sharing if the drugs didnt affect me. and that bothered me alot. it stil bothers me - my behavior on drugs. people out there have seen me in ways im not proud of. i’m embarassed and i only have myself to blame. 

so thats the easy way. the hard way is living life within your true self and finding enjoyment in things when you can barely find the excitement in yourself. take a drug and do any activity - it’s fantastic. do nothing and it’s great. but fining things your true self wants to take part in -- long time drug addicts know the “boredom”. they never took the journey to find these passions and instead elected for the easy way to have the excitement handed to them.

and honestly? nothing really matches the thrill of mdma. or i guess crack or heron or whatever you do. i have never felt anything like it. every nerve is awake and aware, i am hyper sensitive to all of life and my mind is clear. everything is interesting and awe inspiring. 

but thats not life. you cant carry that into the slums of the ghetto. you cant go outsie and stare blindly at the sun. you cannot do it. this is not life. and its okay to someones experience it. the same way its okay to experience the heat of the sun. you can do it lightly ad responsibly. any other way really harms you.

in the spirit of positivity, here are some things that really get me going:

- playing an entire song with no mistakes on guitar and possibly singing it without fucking up or forgetting the words. super exciting to my life in ways nothing else is. it’s not even like i’m trying to play for other people it’s just a personal knowledge that i can do this and play it and feel it and create it. 

- making good food. not just like cooking food but the satisfaction of the actual creation of making something thats really good or luxurious. 

- being physically close to the person i am in a relationship with. i like the warmth and i was very deprived of physical contact but i dont like it with strangers or friends either so its a rare and nice feeling to lay close with someone. 

- a very fascinating tv show. like one that i have to keep watching because i neeeed to know. thats a unique and interesting feeling of human beings; being really curious. i guess it’s lke reading a book but i dont read much at this stage in my life but i hope ill become hat kind of person and when i do itll probably be exciting to have so much material in a world ive rarely visited. 

- cats. i really love cats. all of the cats. i love visiting people’s cats and i like to become friends with them. cats are great because they feel very individual; no two cats are the same and no matter how much the owner impresses on to the cat, the cat is just a cat and it does what it wants so it’s like getting to make a new friend even if the person you’re visiting isnt that exciting. cats are always great. even the shitty grumpy ones. or the old ones that maybe arent into you. if you spend enough time, eventually they will be and you can be friends and people think you’re a cat whisperer. i have atleast two cat friends i see regularly but i see more cats than that. we’re just not friends yet. 

- a really good song. either with really good rocking bluesy music or clever/well written lyrics.