#or it could be nothing and I'm just overthinking things but I've seen a lot flimsier theories so 🤷🏾‍♀️

[fromtheseventhhell]

She was the night wolf. But only when she dreamed. (The Blind Girl, ADWD) "The hour of the wolf. The blackest part of night, when all the world's asleep." (The Kingbreaker, ADWD)

Thinking thoughts...It's the longest, darkest hour of the night, Arya is the Night Wolf + Dark Heart, it's the time when "the world's asleep" and Arya wargs into Nymeria and the leader of a giant pack of wolves while sleeping, and it's likely she'll reunite with Nymeria right before the long night...

[jaysgirlx]

Hey sweetie, I’m feeling like I need a Jason fic where reader doesn’t like to be touched but he makes her feel safe enough that she gets used to him. Would that be something you’d write? I hope you’re having a wonderful day/night 😘😘

jason wasn't exactly a touchy man himself, he'd set a lot of boundaries as he grew older but he felt different when that came to you. he had the urge to want to hold you constantly but he quickly learned you weren't fond of that. there were too many mental scars that had yet to heal.

the two of you had been sitting side by side on his couch and he slyly tried to put his arm around you. you flinched and moved away quickly, and then came the word vomit.

"i'm sorry! it's really not cause of you- It's hard for me to- i just cant- it's okay if you don't want to hang out again after this, i just- i'm sorry!"

you were panting and trying to explain yourself because this wasn't his fault, this was a boundary you probably should've said earlier but you didn't. you were scared of losing jason too quickly because of your own issues but you were an idiot for thinking he'd leave like that. he was much better than that and he showed you exactly how.

when jason first realized that you weren't yet comfortable with him touching you he tried his best to make your dates and hangouts still romantic. instead of cuddling, he'd put pillows in between the two of you and you'd lay on them almost as if you were on him.

or when you two went out for walks he learned to wear long-sleeved shirts so you could hold onto his sleeve rather than his hand. it did take time to get used to but jason didn't see it as a burden he saw it as another way for him to show his love for you.

he found you the cutest when he'd be kissing you and you didn't know where to put your hands so you'd panic and grab onto his clothes. he knew you wanted to touch him but he wanted you to feel safe enough to make that first move and you eventually did.

"i swear it's not you or anything i just not comfortable being touched yet…i've had things happen to me and i just need time to feel a bit safer"

jason understood how you felt and respected it. he'd wait years if he had to, as long as you were with him, he didn't need much more. though your comfortability came much sooner than he thought.

it started off small like when you began to slyly slip your fingers into his and hold his hand. he won't deny that he actually blushed a little especially when you kissed him on the cheek goodnight. he knew he was probably touch-starved but he didn't realize how much he was missing without your touch.

you even started cuddling him during your movie nights and laying your body on his. and it was then that jason knew you felt comfortable with him. you finally felt safe.

things moved on a bit fast after that, your very gentle make-out sessions with jason became rough and needy. you'd dig your nails into his back while deepening each kiss more. your hands are roaming his back, trying to figure out what feels good, or what feels right but jason doesn't care. that fact that you're touching him is all that matters. that fact that you're comfortable is all that matters.

did jason dream of touching you constantly? absolutely! but would he have waited centuries to do so? only for you.

jason was in love with who you were and being able to touch you had nothing to do with that. this man fell in love with your personality and the love you were willing to give him and that was all he wanted.

"m'sorry for making you wait so long jaybird" you whispered while jason lips were busy kissing and biting your neck. he left a train of hickeys, hoping you wouldn't be too mad once you'd seen them, since you were quite focused on your current conversation "i know i'm a lot of work"

"good thing i'm a hard worker sweetheart," he said, while placing a hand on his hip and gently caressing your waist with his thumb. jason had started doing this,whenever he could tell you were overthinking or maybe overwhelmed. he was good with words but he knew how to soothe you "as long as you comfortable baby, then that's all i need"

you were all jason todd needed, he’d never admit it but he could love you from afar and still be happy because you'd be his and to jason that was all that was he really wanted.

for you to happy and safe with him.

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Can a request more about Felix dominant side? I thinks he hides a lot of potential to be a Dom, he would be perfect for for a late bloomer, he seems very warm,but also controlling if he wants to

🥺

𝘍𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘹 𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘏𝘪𝘴 𝘋𝘰𝘮 𝘌𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺:

I feel like my warnings are getting so repetitive but I gotta include it in every post.

I'm using astrology so nothing I say is accurate or confirmed- it's completely theoretical.

Anyway- let's go!!

Out of the members of Stray Kids- I would honestly say Felix isn't one of the best members for a late bloomer relationship BECAUSE of his overthinking tendencies with all his Virgo placements.

He might tend to think TOO hard about being such a good boyfriend and giving you the best late bloomer experience that he'll probably forget to just live in the moment.

His Aries Moon also indicates impatience and he might want to try too many things too quickly and it might get overwhelming.

One of the best traits of having a Libra Venus is they value equality in the relationship and Felix might feel like he has TOO much power in the relationship with his experience and you're lack of experience.

But to end this on a positive level, I think no matter what...Felix is going to try his absolute best to be the best ever 'first ever' boyfriend for you.

Now for his dom energy- yes while I think Felix is one of the more 'submissive' members of Stray Kids- I don't think he's 90% submissive and he's more of a balanced switch than what people realise.

This will be shorter than Ateez readings b/c I don't have Felix's Rising Sign so I can't analyse his house placements but his Aries Moon/Leo Mars are great placements to indicate he has 'dom' energy.

I feel his dominant energy would come out when he's pushed hard enough-like if he's jealous of somebody flirting with you or his masculinity feels challenged in a way.

His voice will get deeper, his eyes will darken and become more stern and his grip against you might be more tight.

'I'm not worried about you getting attention sweetie, I'm worried about the way he looks at you'.

I've seen him on-stage and when he's performing- he has a very powerful and 'manly' energy which juxtaposes against the 'fairy' concept he's confined to with group dynamics.

Both Felix Lee and Han Jisung have a Leo Mars and men with a Leo Mars typically love heated-in the moment type of sex and are visual people.

And yeah- as a dom with a Libra Mercury...you best believe he'll talk you through it.

Would watch you put mascara on in the mirror and then he'll randomly think about how pretty you'd look with his cock in your mouth and mascara running down your cheeks.

'You look so pretty as you gag on my cock sweetheart, want to paint your face and see your mouth covered in me'.

Lipstick smeared, stockings ripped, bra straps falling, buttons torn are some of the things he'd find so sexy- having a Leo Mars means he can be quite primal in the bedroom.

But it would take him a lot of teasing or jealousy to get to that unhinged level of dominance- and it would take A LOT of time (and rounds) for him to break out of it.

It's why I love Felix with black hair SAUR MUCH!!! because I think it brings out his dominant energy and doesn't confine him to 'baby subby pixie Felix' persona.

I also just want to appreciate the Taste fancam and this performance b/c I think this fit and song was the key for Felix stans to think-

Oh shit- He could be a dom.

[angelosearch]

Okay fam, how do we think Raine died? And please let me know if it's been word-of-god'ed somewhere. I don't think I've ever seen it.

I have a thought. I wouldn't even call it a theory because I have virtually no evidence to support it. It's more like... what I would find interesting.

I'm overthinking a 25-year-old videogame again...

Lil bit of a trigger warning here... Mention of some severe impacts of mental illness.

Honestly, I hate the "died in childbirth" thing. It's just... vague. Uninteresting. I don't know, kind of lazy. Okay, maybe she did die as a side effect of having Squall, but how? There's more than one way to die in childbirth.

And I am not saying dying in childbirth is unrealistic--it definitely is realistic, unfortunately--but I kind of hate how introducing a pregnant character and then killing them is always joined with the (again VERY BROAD) concept of "dying in childbirth."

Maybe it's just because I'm a Star Wars fan and Padme's death ruined me for "died in childbirth" as a suitable end for a pregnant character. I also just get annoyed in general how frequently pregnancy and childbirth in sci-fi/fantasy media is seen as something alien or bad or the end of a character. There's so many episodes where pregnancy is used as a parasitic plot point. I could go on.

And how often a mother is just killed off with "died in childbirth" off screen... It's just lazy! It's like saying a guy died because he "went off to war." Is it realistic? Sure. But specifics, backstory, please!!

But like!! These women have already done the incredible act of carrying a child, sometimes through war zones and major stressors, or, in Raine's case, while completely alone and waiting for her husband to come back from saving her adoptive daughter. If she "had" to die (at least in the eyes of the writers) immediately after Squall is born, I want her to have a death more specific to her character and more interesting overall! Also, it would be nice if she had SOME time with our little baby Squall, no matter the circumstances... Now, the way I think about Raine's death isn't exactly a nice way to die (if there is a such thing), but I think it would be enough to lock her ghost in Winhill. And, again, I think it gives her plot a realism that I want it to have.

Here is where I launch into some pretty reaching headcanons so... buckle up.

So Squall, we can all agree, exhibits signs of depression. He's able to push through it, because lots of us depressed people adapt to do that, but he definitely does. From what I know about therapy and psychology, I'd also say he has C-PTSD but that's another story.

But I'd like to propose that Squall is not just depressed, but potentially even bipolar.

Now, the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder requires at least one manic episode followed by a depressive episode or hypomania. I don't believe Squall has ever experienced mania... But the thing about bipolar disorder is that a lot of times, it presents as depression until it isn't anymore. And for some individuals, that moment doesn't come until their late 20s or older. Hell, treating depression is sometimes what reveals the underlying disorder: Sometimes SSRIs trigger mania in bipolar patients.

I could see him experiencing hypomania, though. Accidentally training for 12 hours straight, racing thoughts, extreme agitation.

What we do see in the game is risk-taking behaviors, racing thoughts, anxiety, disregulated mood, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty sleeping, isolation... These are symptoms of C-PTSD, but ALSO bipolar disorder.

(which, his history of trauma makes him more vulnerable to bipolar disorder as well)

I will admit, I hc Squall this way because I see myself in him, and I was a high-functioning depressed person who had my first manic episode in my late 20s. But what I figure is, while he was probably never written to be bipolar, there's nothing in the game that completely refutes it.

ANYWAY, bipolar disorder is hereditary. It's not only hereditary, but it plays a part.

So here we go, this is the end I have in mind for Raine, and it's not a happy end, but I think it's realistic and I think it's worth representing in media. Trigger warning.

I think Raine was bipolar. We don't see enough of her in the game to know, but if Squall is (in my head) she might be too. I think she had a complicated pregnancy and that Ellone being kidnapped and Laguna leaving (reasonably) put her under a lot of stress. Any symptoms she had under control with medication/therapy/etc. probably flared. Who knows if she had her same access to resources, seeing that Laguna was gone.

I think, maybe, she suffered from postpartum psychosis. She might have had a few good days, weeks with Squall until things got bad. It would have been terrifying for her, and the people of Winhill, the delusions, the hallucinations. I can't imagine there is a doctor in Winhill that can help with that. And maybe, one of those hallucinations led her to her end.

Such a terrible death likely would have traumatized the people of Winhill, who we know cared deeply about her. Maybe they sent Ellone away so she'd never know; maybe they sent Squall away because he was too much of a reminder.

Thus ends my very sad Raine's death head canon.

My next long project may involve tackling this kind of stuff. I love writing/researching mental health!!

[nabi-unveiled]

I was wondering about Fadel's characterization as well. Fadel not searching for his bf of two years after his disappearance doesn't really match his personality or the gravity of the last scene of ep 10. I actually believed the popular fan theory of his ex bf being paid by Mother to leave or had something to do with his scar on his chest, I was surprised when the show went with the most obvious route -Mother killing him- and not have any twist tbh. Actually nothing that went on in ep10 had any twists or suprises imho. Or maybe it's the fans reading too much into stuff like his necklace thing?

As for Keen, from what we've been so far, it looks like both Mother and Fadel, and to an extension Bison, didn't have a lot of expect from him because he wasn't skilled at assasination and just left him alone? I was kind of feeling bad for Keen, but he also isn't a very nice person judging from the way he was totally fine with killing Style who is a normal citizen. It would be nice if he could also turn against Mother after knowing the truth, so I'm holding out my judgement of him until the finale.

Hey Anon!

Other fans may not, but I definitely do tend to overthink and read too much into things. That's ok. Sometimes, like with the necklace, that can even be a funny surprise.

There weren't many surprises this episode for sure. Kidnapping Keen's boyfriend is probably the closest thing to a narrative surprise we had.

I've read a lot of different arguments about why Fadel would or would not search for his ex. There's solid discourse for why he wouldn't have searched as seen in this post and this post by @bentnotbroken1fanfiction.

I just really want there to be more to it. I massively struggle with Fadel not searching. If the ex had found out that Fadel was a hitman, then the ghosting would make sense. It would also make sense that Fadel wouldn't search in that scenario. But we have no evidence that Fadel told the ex. Maybe it's supposed to be implied that Fadel told him? There could be some linguistic things I'm missing.

If the ex didn't know about the hitman career, then the ghosting makes no sense and Fadel should've searched (given what we know about his personality). While Fadel was most likely holding back in the relationship (there's a lot of evidence for that), it should have triggered a breakup (not a ghosting) if that was the problem. Of course, I struggle with the idea of ghosting in general so that bias could be coming into play. I sure hope that if I don't show up for dinner some day that my husband looks for me.

As for Keen - I'm in the "he's not a nice person" camp with you. That's actually my leading head canon on why Fadel didn't bond with him. Sure, he turned out to be not as skilled and there's so many ways that could lead to resentment. But there were YEARS between when they were adopted and the firearm training scene. Now, I have faith that Lilly was already brainwashing and planting discord from Day 1. She's amazing that way. But it would've taken time unless she kept the boys completely separated. Kids tend to talk to each other - especially when they have a common bond like their parents being murdered. The only reason I can see for Fadel not bonding with Keen at least some in those early years is either A) Fadel was always more guarded or B) Keen has always been a grade A jerk. I'm leaning towards a combination of both.

There's plenty of evidence to show that Keen truly is just a terrible human being and that could have been true even as a kid. Style may want to feel sorry for him, but I certainly don't. He KNEW a hit was put out on Fadel's ex. In fact, he probably did the paperwork. In my weird head canon (with no evidence to back it up), Keen is also the reason the police even know about Fadel/Bison in the first place. I do think he will turn against mother. I'm counting on it.

That's a lot of words to basically say -- I agree with you.

For those interested in the original post that prompted this discussion, it's here.

[affluent-havoc]

Just a thought I wanna share but, the best thing about Byakuya's backstory for me is how much interpretation one can have. Like, there isn't much know about the Togami Inheritance system, how Byakuya won in specifics, if it was a battle of the body, mind, or some combination. Same goes with Byakuya's parents. There is like NOTHING for those guys. I know in the dubiously canon Danganronpa Togami books, his father is named as Kijo Togami, dunno if it is exclusively in those books where he's named. Not much info is on him though. Like, what does he look like? What is his main personality? How is his relationship with his son, Byakuya? Meanwhile, Byakuya's mother is a mystery too. No name, no physical description, nada. It makes sense for her in specifics though as she was probably just there to make the child before said child got shipped to a IRL battle royale. Though, it's not like that's set in stone. That's interpretable too like if she was a good mother whether it's in an interpretation where she only had her son for a small amount of time or if she was always there or hell, if she kicked the bucket and died in some shady ass well! Other things to factor in too such as the fact that Byakuya could be mixed or biracial or something due to Togami men having to have offspring with fancy women all over the globe. That's one interpretation I like a lot. Just makes sense to me. Like, sure, blond hair could be dyed, but it could also just be that European blood coursing through his veins. Or, whatever one sees. Depending on one's own interpretation, his life could be just relatively shitty with the uphill battle of becoming heir and the stress that comes with to potential abuse even, whether verbal or something else. Byakuya is already an individual with some problems after all with his mindset, general demeaner, and childhood or lack there of cus i REFUSE to consider what we know about his childhood to be a diggity dang childhood! Cus, no! That SOOOOO wasn't one. The limit with the interpretation is simply how much one wants to interpret about him like his secret in chapter 2 which never was revealed. Hell, even his list of likes and dislikes is a little vague or at least one of them that I constantly think back to like, what do you mean you like French, Byakuya?! Like, is it JUST the language? Culture? The food?!?!? Gasp Does he relate to the baguettes? Okay, I'm being a bit silly here but my point is that even his likes and dislikes can be fluid with interpretation. He likes coffee but it's open to what KIND whether it be black coffee or a Frappuccino at Starbucks with excessive amounts of whipped cream (I say this like I've actually seen a Starbucks coffee in person and have walking into an establishment). He dislikes microwaved food. Well, how far does that dislike go? Pure hatred even? Would he refuse to eat a reheated meal that he likes out of spite because it was reheated in a microwave even if he's literally about to starve to death or would he cave and eat the food? Or, does he hate the microwave ITSELF more than the food products designed for it? Then my brain loops back to the important biz! What does he find funny?! How would one hypothetically get him laughing?! Dang! Sometimes I wish there was an ACTUAL concrete answer to this though, who knows. If there was, I might not like the answer though that is delving into what-iffery. Dunno! I just overthink like this! I gotta dissect my muse! Besides, even if some of the interpreting can be annoying, even for me at times, it's not the worst thing ever. Not like he's the only character with this trait. It's just more apparent when you have some characters when you know all their family members or have actual CANON books about their backstory (Kyoko). And there are also other characters in which the vagueness is by design or just characters with vague spots like him cough cough Kokichi cough cough. Suppose it doesn't help that I am way too attached to this freaking loser T-T. Perhaps, there is some beauty to that.

[scary-grace]

I'm here to do another ask game!

Fanfic ask game:

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

✏️ Do you write every day?

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP. (P.s: if you want of course! If you don't that's ok!)

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

🌙 What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?

🌈 What inspired you to write [magnum opus ]?

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic?

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

I know that people usually just send the emojis for ask games but I was trying to not bother you by having to search for the ask game to understand, and anyone who reads this if you ever answer it and post it, it's ok if you don't! I just want to show some love to one of my all time favorite author, and their amazing fics that I love. My favorite is magnum opus that's why I asked about it. Your writing is addictingly awesome! With so much hurt, doubt and uncertainty. And I love how you write Tomura, how you write him so blunt and straightforward yet caring. I have a lot more to talk about, but I think I wrote too much, have a nice day/night!

Hi! Thank you so much for the asks. I apologize for the wait on answering them!

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

This one is much harder to answer than I thought it would be! To be totally honest, my favorite fic to get comments on is whichever one I just posted/updated. But I'm happy with any comments, always!

✏️ Do you write every day?

Absolutely! Whenever I get a spare second, if I'm being honest.

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

I was actually really proud of how (secret) santa, baby turned out! I'm sure you've seen my endless complaining about how I can't write short fics, so I wanted to see if I could write a short fic (and write it as I was posting it rather than trying to finish the entire thing). I ended up not overthinking it and having a lot of fun anyway.

🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP. (P.s: if you want of course! If you don't that's ok!)

This is from a time loop fic I've been working on based on a prompt from @deadhands69!

Tenko’s done this enough times by now to know that the story doesn’t change unless he changes it. Nothing new happens unless he does something new. Except for you. Except this. Tenko didn’t change the story. You did. “Who are you?” He says it like a villain, but he’s not a villain yet – just a little kid. You’re just a kid, too, and your voice wavers just like Tenko’s does. “Don’t do it,” you say, just like you did last time, and even though Tenko tries to grab you, you’re too fast for him to catch.            You escaped this time, but next time, Tenko will be ready. Playing this game forever is bad enough without you ruining his cheat code. It won’t happen again

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

Slow burns and/or cliffhangers. I love a truly miserable cliffhanger, and I've done a fair number of them in my other fandom. Other than that, just really insanely long fics. I love writing them but they're an investment for readers and sometimes I worry people get bored.

🌙 What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?

I'll write whenever the opportunity arises! Today was a workday for me, but I wrote between appointments and on my lunch break, and I've written a few hundred words since I came home as well.

🌈 What inspired you to write [magnum opus ]?

magnum opus kind of came out of nowhere for me! I wanted to write a fic with a much darker interpretation of Shigaraki, and the idea of a no-quirks AU where he's an ideologically driven serial killer was very compelling. The question was where to bring the reader in. I didn't want to write her as a victim, but given that I pictured Shigaraki as a no-social-skills recluse whenever he's not out killing people, it was hard to imagine where they'd meet. AND THEN I remembered some Criminal Minds-type detail about how serial killers sometimes come back to visit their kills. Shigaraki as I imagined him would be too smart to do that, but he'd still want to see if his message was getting across, so I came up with the idea of him watching through a drone -- and how much more interesting of a dynamic it would be if he felt like the reader was watching him, too. Hence the forensic photography angle.

Thanks for giving me a chance to talk about that AU! I really love it and every so often I daydream about following up on it.

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic?

Editing. Not so much line-edits (I'm decent at those when I'm not typing too fast) but deciding what scenes actually need to be part of a fic, or which storylines are interesting to me but not benefiting the plot/characters. I don't like cutting anything, but sometimes it needs to be done.

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

My favorite one is from my other fandom! It's called a kiss in the cold and dark by @nocompromise-noregrets and it's one I return to multiple times per year when I need to read something peaceful.

Thank you so much for your ask! I really loved getting it and it was a lot of fun to answer, and particularly to have a chance to talk a little more about magnum opus! Getting asks like these are one of the best parts about being a writer. Thank you so much for your kind words, and please feel free to stop by or prompt me any time!

[blkkizzat]

Kali...I've been overthinking again.. I know I know I do think a lot.. but I'm just thinking about my type and a lot of the jjk man are a different facet of my type. Nanami cause I think he'd treat me right. Remember my birthday and shit. Geto because I think he'd never embarrass my ass and would fuck me with all that pent up passion. Gojo cause his silly ass would make me giggle then bend me 6 ways to sunday. We having all the workouts during sex. And finally my love Sukuna...this man wouldn't disrespect me in public cause how does he look if he doesn't respect his woman. He'd never let anyone else think they could disrespect me but like in the bedroom he'd do nothing BUT disrespect me. Like respect? Idk her who's she? And I would let him because...have you seen that man. A threesome with Nanami and Sukuna would be my dream cone truuueee

Sorry pookies! I’m realizing a bunch of stuff was stuck in my posts. Tbh I hate using tumblr on my phone cause it’s always fuckin up lol.

Also yass most definitely! 😌↕️

They all serve their purpose

Nanami would definitely remember your bday, your favorite everything and have a hot meal on the table for you every night. I headcanon that this man is like a Michelin level chef.

Suguru, u rite, would never make a scene although I do think he would like to fluster you. Not as obvious and over the top as Gojo but subtle things only you two would pick up on but it would still leave you blushing.

Gojo for sure, got the jokes and yeah he’s dumb long dick is definitely rearranging guts. Haha but I only like a nerd ass version of him as him being too much a fuck boi is a no go for me cause then I have to humble him 😭.

You make a good point. I also think he wouldn’t disrespect you in public cause it be a bad reflection on him. Also he definitely treating you like a concubine when you get home 😩. Honestly he’s the one I’d imagine give you the best workout.

But nothing for my main men Toji and Choso, nonny??? What is this??? 😭😭😭

It’s okay cause they at home with me 😩💖.

[obsessivestar]

Hi Star!! It's my first time in your inbox buttttt anyway! You made a post about people using characteristics from cai bots when writing Schlatt and Ted and could you say what those tells are? Like, I'm trying to get back into writing after months of not doing it and I don't want it to be bad 😭😭 ALSO I love what if it's all a romcom and I PROMISE I will get to reading the rest of it this weekend 🙏🙏

-Much love,

Mel 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Hey! Thanks for enjoying All A RomCom! I never get tired of hearing people talk about how much they enjoy it, it's genuinely the best feeling ever lmao.

Ok! So for the c.ai thing, it's a little hard to explain, but there are a few tells I've been noticing lately. This honestly applies more to Ted bots and fics because I only use one Schlatt bot because he's the most accurate for me LMAO.

I also wanna add that I am definitely probably guilty of doing this too at some point. It's no secret that I use and make c.ai bots of my favorite boys and I've made no attempt to hide it. I definitely try to be careful with how I type things for fics vs. bot rp's but I'm not about to act like some perfect and pure writer that never slips up so I rlly hope I don't give off that impression.

This isn't meant to start discourse or call anyone out, there's definitely a chance i'm just overthinking this. It's just something I've been noticing a lot lately since the Chuckle Sandwhich episodes about their bots and I think it's worth talking about.

> overuse of honey, baby, sweetheart or darling

The number one thing that always makes me personally go "Oh, this is from the bot" is when people use those particular nicknames that both Ted and Schlatt have admitted they'd never use. These are the same nicknames that the bots use, verbatim, I swear. Totally understand if it's just nicknames you personally like or maybe you didn't know they've said that! Totally okay! I've fuckin' held back using certain nicknames because I just know Ted wouldn't use em but i particularly like them, maybe I'll use em one day cause it's all just fiction!But when they use those specific nicknames over and over and then mention they've seen episodes of Chuckle Sandwhich, it must makes me go..."huh"

> shifting perspectives. *You/she feels this way* then suddenly *he feels this way* as if they're copying/pasting the bots reply

This could just be me being nitpicky because I'm very anal when it comes to grammar and punctuation, I don't know why, I just am. I don't go around correcting people and I'm not trying to say that if you don't use commas or something you've used a.i., but when each paragraph shifts the perspective, it comes off as copying & pasting. I've even seen a fic where an asterisk (*) was left in and the Schlatt bot I talk to uses that LMAO

> overuse of the same verb. *He chuckled* *He looks at you and chuckles* *You chuckle in response*

I'm sure we've all gotten locked in the constant *He chuckled* *He chuckles at that* loop where the A.I. just won't fucking start their reply with anything else except 'He chuckles' and it's maddening. I've seen that happen a lot in fics, too. Totally get if the word 'chuckle' is just the word that makes the most sense to use, but there's definitely other ways to convey how much or how little you or your character is laughing, but A.I's don't really know that.

> only taking characteristics from 2021-2022 Ted like 'ooh he's a soft boy he smokes so much weed he's so silly and young and skinny' because a majority of the popular Ted bots are from those eras.

Again, this might just be me nitpicking. Maybe you don't watch Ted as much as you watch Schlatt, but dog...his personality has shifted a lot since 2023 and he's not the same pretty little silly guy from 2021. He's not a pothead, he's not really whymsical and woah! In your face! anymore? Only the popular bots write him like that and it's what made me create my bots in the first place. There's nothing wrong with making Ted silly or writing his younger self, but it gets to a point where I personally can just tell they don't watch Ted or haven't watched him recently and that they're using the bots' personality as a template.

I understand to an extent if people use certain aspects of their roleplays with those c.ai bots as inspiration and such, but if you copy and paste replies and try to pass them off as your writing, it just...kinda comes off as disingenuous? Like, it's not your fanfiction if you're pasting the response a bot GAVE you, yknow?

I also understand if you're using the c.ai bots to practice or just generally improve your writing, it's helpful for that to an extent. I just think it's good to try and separate how you roleplay from how you write, so that the fanfiction you release is 100% yours. It's far more exciting and rewarding that way.

I'm sorry for the giant response LMAO I'm just really passionate about writing and I love this community a lot. I love what we can create and I don't want that to be muddied down by those "Can I ask you a question? Promise you won't get mad? You promise? Okay, I'm gonna ask it now sweetheart. You won't get mad at me? You sure you won't get mad?" Bots. It's our fanfiction, not c.ai's fanfiction.

I really hope I don't come off as some narcissistic asshole lmao I'm not trying to be i'm so sorry. Despite being a pretty good writer I'm absolute dogshit at typing down my own thoughts accurately LMAO

[inchidentally]

can I just say that an Oscar quality I just read while I've been completely consumed by you be time, i'll be space by littleplumtree is that Oscar has excellent instincts when it comes to hope, opportunity and bravery.

whereas also in the fic, Lando has excellent instincts when it comes to fear, concern and danger.

and like. I'm just so emotional over how you fic authors manage to do this psychological analysis so casually bc that's precisely how they are irl when it comes to racing ??

bc Lando always says he is driven by the hope of achieving perfection and frets about what could go wrong or if he'll make a mistake. whereas Oscar takes the approach of knowing he'll always give the best he has and that he deals with the risk of overthinking by literally moving his mind onto other things.

and the thing is that neither of them would benefit in swapping part of their thinking with the other. Lando seeking perfection could so easily have spiraled out of the sport entirely long before F1 (and damn if this isn't similar to what Max F said made him leave) but by critically assessing and driving home errors or threats, he's improving his chances every time.

then there's Oscar who has shown such self-awareness about the role luck plays in racing and he has no ego-driven rage at other drivers* could have tanked his investment in the sport if he didn't thrive at the opportunity for daring and bravery and success. he doesn't succeed because he mentally tricks himself into belief, he succeeds because he wants nothing more than to try again and again.

like I've seen variations of that in landoscar fic and just damn, we owe a lot to people playing these guys' mentalities out into every fic situation imaginable

.

.

.

*minus Carlos who is special <3

[quack-quack-snacks]

Exactly! The acting is fine. Even for characters I hate, I didn't hate any of the actors. They did their job.. At least in my personal opinion. But I felt like I could've possibly felt differently about certain characters if a lot of the plot had more character development for some characters.

Yes. The fandom is already a smaller fandom. Why do I always have to enjoy fandoms with a smaller fanbase? That's a huge problem for me.

And it's even worse when there was fewer people, even active people, to have conversations with about that fandom. There's so many more inactive people than there is of active people in smaller fandoms. And it's a problem because I need other people to talk to about everything in the fandom. Obviously Sweet Home is one of the smaller fandoms.

Now I'm just repeating myself. So ignore that.

Maybe? I may do that. Because I wouldn't mind having conversations privately with people since I usually prefer that. And, if I ever send my messages through inbox like this, I prefer anonymous since I've never liked "revealing" myself publicly. People think I'm shy for that reason.. But I'm not shy, I just don't feel comfortable being exposed to others.

And I don't think people would appreciate the page being spammed a lot of the time, especially with messages. So that's another reason.

~

Yeah! Dark Hyunsu is his monster half. Apparently a monster persona (if you could call it that) makes you more confident, arrogant, even as prideful as the demon. While also having that childish pettiness too.

Let's not forget the demon and monster are both really prideful about their appearance. Expensive fashion, always looking at themselves in the mirror. One definitely reincarnated into the other.. That is the only explanation I have when it comes to those two characters now.

And then I kept thinking. Mosnter Hyunsu kept saying, basically, "You can't have one without the other." You have to accept him as he is, the human and monster sides. Which make me think dark and light sides.

Dark and light is yin and yang. The yin and yang symbols represents a balance in the universe, that you can't have one without the other. It's surprising that no one said that before. Because if you can accept the person's light and dark sides, you can accept them for who they are.

I went philosophical again.

I blame my abstract thinking process.

I've been overthinking too much about nothing.

~

Actually.. If you (or a character you created) was a hybrid, an infectee, neohuman, whatever you want to call it. What would your powers be?

That's a thought that I thought about before. In a fictional world, I like the idea of being a hybrid like Hyunsu; a natural human monster type rather then the neohumans like unemotional human monster hybrids.

I don't know if that made sense but that's the only way I can explain it to someone. So hopefully that makes some sense to you.

Yeah I never hate on the actors, they’re always just doing their jobs and if they play an evil character or whatever then they shouldn’t get hate for what that character did in the show (prime example is dori sakurada who plays niragi suguru in alice in borderland who is a terrible person in the show but the actor is a sweetheart in irl from what I’ve seen). I also just wish the characters could’ve been written differently for certain things.

I HATE THAT THIS FANBASE IS SO SMALL I ALWAYS GET INVOLVED WITH THE SMALL FANBASES TOO BRO ITS SO SAD 😭😭😭😭😭 I HATE IT SO MUCH OMG. none of my friends (even the ones who like read the comics and stuff - though I can understand because they know the show will be different so they don’t want to ruin their view of the webtoon) won’t watch the show and obsess over it with me. it also could just be my obsessive traits over these types of things though and how I just hyper fixate on these things and they don’t really have that but yeah. (sorry run on sentence there)

Don’t feel pressured to talk to me in my dms if you don’t want to! I completely understand if that’s not what you want to do and everything if it doesn’t make you feel comfortable. these are always the things that you want to take with a grain of salt because I still am just a random stranger on the internet. I promise I’m not a weirdo but then again… stranger on the internet. ALWAYS USE SAFE PRACTICES ON THE INTERNET!!!

that’s just something I always want to emphasize because I did not when I was a kid and I’m pretty sure I once showed myself in a sports bra as an 11 year old to possibly a grown man or something

story time on that is that I wanted to apply to be a gymnastics member of this youtube show I think or something and I was doing it over video call with this person but they didn’t show their face. Me, as an 11 year old, found nothing strange about this until my mom walked in on me doing it and scolded me and told me about internet safety and stuff. not that this is anything like that at all but still. internet safety do be crucial.

I would not mind being spammed though at all! I would love to talk about sweet home with you and everything and also possibly other fanbases that we are both a part of!!

I like the Dark Hyun-su concept along with the My Demon concept and everything! the reincarnation idea is always a fun topic for me and I love creating ideas for it. it would definitely make sense if were trying to tie the two fandoms together and everything. Dark hyun-su dies at some point or just get yoinked by god and used as a demon. the only thing Jeong Gu-won needs is the badly animated wing haha.

~

NO that totally makes sense!

For me - and I’ve actually thought about this a lot - as a monster that I think I would turn into I think it would have something to do with dragons. if I was a neohuman then maybe my appearance would just become one of a dragon (wings, scales, sharper nails maybe, etc).

I love dragons and I always have (hopefully I will get a tattoo of one soon but I don’t really have the money for that just yet, especially for the size that i want which is a pretty big tattoo).

If I had to choose what neohuman I would be it would also probably just be some sort of dragon type or whatever.

What type would you want to be anon?

Also if you’d like to stay as an anon you should give me an emoji or something so you can be my ___ anon. I’ve always wanted to be like those writers with those emoji anons and whatever 😭😭

(cuz I’m a jealous jealous jealous gurlllllll)

Anyways, have a great day!!!!!

[dearweirdme]

Not taekookers being insecure again because of some teasing between two friends. If you consider that dating, then I'm definitely dating a lot of my friends without me knowing lmao

Honestly, I like reading your asks cuz I agree with a lot of your takes on things, but it gets borderline annoying seeing taekookers and their insecure asses, either about taennie stuff or jikook.

Like, jungkook is just living his best life right now. His song gained success, and he felt the fandoms' love. That happiness shows in his vlives more often, he's grateful and wants to establish a small side of carelessness when it comes to his actions with fans so he's more confortable showing his //naked// body, bantering with his friend, flirting with army....just having fun overall. I honestly like to see it, but I know he's supportive behind the scenes of his boyfie. Like tae must be working days and nights as we speak, what jungkook can do is show support privately, which im sure he does, and that in no way means not having fun by himself.

If anything, Jikook only prove actually, day after day, that they are out of loop with each other's life. Hanging out sometimes sure, but not keeping up constantly with each other's day to day schedule, which is something you do with instinctively with your partner.

And the pic ? From what I've seen, it could just be a pic of how "bad" jimin looked at that moment, which is why he didn't want to go live with jk.

Just be happy he's happy guys, stop with the overthinking and live laugh love yourself lmao.

Hi @sissaf !

Yeah, I know. I was surprised by the amount of asks in my inbox this morning. And when I actually saw the live... I was really like: This? This is what's worrying you all? But, there's always going to be fans unsure about the whole. Most come here for reassurance, and some come here to.. make a point apparently. I don't mind explaining how I understand things, but I can see how to convinced Tkkrs... it gets tiresome. It's basically creating drama over nothing. The most weird to me is people actually announcing that they're now into Jkk... like okay... bye.. enjoy... see you back in a few when something Tkk happens probably.

I still have about twenty asks in my inbox now, and I'm expecting Jkkrs to join in at some point as well 😂. Yesterday it was Tannie... today it's Jkk apparently.

[commiemartyrshighschool]

When I was on the fence right before I took this job a seasoned older writer with a great voice said to me "you don't need a mentor, you need an editor."

The reason I was on the fence is because when I had just a couple technical questions before accepting the job offer the guy I had interviewed with and built a little rapport with responded by saying he had put in his two weeks notice, and that I should get in touch with the person taking over the role. His last day was also my first day.

That should've been ample warning.

Because not only did I not get a mentor (which as an early career journalist I'm now realizing I do in fact need!), I didn't get an editor either. After that meeting I've been in the same room as him five, maybe six times, almost always involving him either telling me a story about looking up his third grade teacher's skirt or telling me a young girl "deserved" a concussion for being at a Boy Scout camp.

And as much as I started dreading those conversations and found the handful of perfunctory zoom calls useless, I've been reduced to single line emails as a sole mode of communication. I know for a fact he will not read the second line of emails in most cases, because when he asks me for the information contained there-in and I copy and past the exact same line in reply it is the first time he has ever seen it.

If I insist on getting acknowledgement or approval of a story (he's furious when I pursue a topic without letting him know or if it changes focus away from his own bias, so I am reluctant to even lay groundwork for stories that might get canned) he'll get annoyed that I've sent so many emails.

Given how poorly we are communicating I looked into his twitter to find out a bit more about the guy, and apart from his obsession with prop comics who didn't even think their own work was that funny it's mainly his work moonlighting elsewhere that skirts conflict of interest and features shittily written op-eds espousing worse opinions, spreading anti-vax conspiracy theories, claiming that Patriot Front is a "Soros funded false flag," all leavened with a weird mixture of Anglophillia and thirsty replies to well muscled conservative men and male fetish models, on what was until recently a bluechecked account explicitly linking him to our publication

I could probably tolerate a handful of these things, particularly him telling dudes to take their shirts off, but it's crossed the line into repeated and dangerous disinformation spreading that I think reflects negatively on the publication.

He's done almost nothing to show me the ropes or teach me about the beat, in fact actively discourages me from developing a beat by rejecting any topic that's too "similar" to one recently covered at the start of the week and then assigning me coverage of something exactly the same by the end of it. When I do get introduced to anybody through him it's a persistent PR flack he's just tired of dealing with.

And you know what it's all made me paranoid. I totally AM reading too much into every email and overthinking them. But while my insane reads have turned out right on occasion the bigger issue is I'm worried I'm slowly losing my ability to interpret other people's messages.

I could kvetch about the rest of the company too, but I don't see the point. The department that makes money is the event planning portion of the business that massages local egos with awards ceremonies. I'm not sure why but people keep buying ads that go into a PDF only print newspaper as well too. A lot of that is just small biz/media bullshit, but it doesn't help that there's this nexus of dysfunction and fascism that's the majority of my dealings with my coworkers.

[lillian-jaddee]

Hi, Im Lillian-Jaddee,

Im 27 years old living in Merseyside, United Kingdom, but not for long. On June 28th 2024 I received a set of keys for my first ever home. I officially have a mortgage. As adultly as I felt, the issues I faced for having a low budget and a small space have taken their toll on the timeline of my move. I decided to do a full renovation on the kitchen and it's still not done today (28th February 2025). But the good news is, as painful and dark as it has been these last few months I finally have a move in date and it's in about 2 weeks time. EEEK!

Im actually moving almost an hour away from where I currently live which means i'm leaving my family and (few) friends I have behind and going somewhere completely new to me, well almost new. I'm actually moving to be closer to my place of work. So while I dont know the residential areas I do know how to get from my new home over to my place of work and a few places in between thanks to entering into a work relationship a few years back I do know how to get to my ex's house and to the local weatherspoons lol.

But outside of that I really dont know much of anything. I've been lapping roundabouts like im doing doughnuts trying to see the sign for my exit, Ive been continuously beeped at by other drivers and overall im just a bit clueless. To be honest where I currently live, there are still places I don't know because I am such a homebody I just like to be at home minding my damn business.

With less than two weeks to go I have found myself in a situation where my entire life is a blank canvas. I don't know my neighbours. My coworkers are predominantly male with no intentions of being my friends so I am left with no option but to go out and make new friends. Nothing terrifies me more. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist but since having the covid jab I have seen my social life plummet and my (undiagnosed) autism symptoms increasing. I find it incredibly difficult to socialise and even harder to maintain constantly in all aspects of my life including friendships. Some days I simply don't have the social battery to reply to a text.

In fairness, I have a mix of paranoia and I guess you could call it spiritual psychosis in the sense that I feel like I just know when someone is judging me, doesn't like me or is lying and being fake. I can't escape these voices telling me what these people actually mean. I'm always overthinking a situation. At what point does being physic turn into schizophrenia? Do I trust in my intuition or do I get medicated? I don't really speak much on my feelings and emotions so there is really no way for me to get a second opinion from a friend.

On top of that I have really let myself go the last year, fighting with myself against depression and anxiety. Skipping workouts, eating unhealthy and completely neglecting my spiritual side. I feel like I don't even know who I am. I don't think i've ever known truly who I am at heart, i've never been allowed to if truth be told. I think that's what is generating the most excitement about moving out. I'm going to be living alone, doing things alone and making my own mistakes along the way without external judgement. I finally will find out who I am with out worrying about being judged or sabotaged by the people around me. I can just be me.

I think given the state of the world, finding an opportunity to embrace yourself as an individual is invaluable. That's why i've started this blog. I tend to journal a lot but I always feel like i'm talking to someone. What if there is someone out there who wants to listen to my story? Maybe this is the place to tell my story and share my journey.

Once I move, I plan to document my life as in depth as possible. Ive made a decision, i'm not going to be a victim anymore, not to my friends, not to my mental health, not a single thing is going to stop me from becoming the best version of myself. Im not trying to be one of those pilates girlies that sell courses about fitness and then get a BBL. I'm not going to sell any amazon must haves on a storefront. If anything i'm trying to de-influence myself from the world of consumerism. If I have a roof over my head, a car to get me to work and food in my belly, how much more do I really need?

Of course I should mention I am incredibly materialistic and very money motivated but I think that comes from my childhood. Being raised with not a lot of things and not having much attention from my parents because they were always working. I've become a person who wants to make money so I can save myself from slaving away. Granted I have a long way to go, one bad period cycle and i'm all spend, spend, spend. I don't have savings I don't have much of anything really. So i'm going to set some goals for myself for when I move.

Become Financially Literate

Create an emergency fund

Pay off credit card debt

Pay off mortgage

Finish my Qualifications and outstanding online CPD courses.

Learn how to do my hair, makeup and nails.

Clear my skin of acne

Regular exercise and walking

Meditate and journal more

Get a promotion (seems impossible right now)

Learn about nutrition and regulate my hormones and nervous system

Go to Therapy

Get back to being spiritual & positive

Fix my mental health

Make new friends

Explore my new local area & community

Start posting regularly to social media (a passion project)

Enter into my soft girl, slow living lifestyle era

That's everything summarised and it's so much. I have so much to do. I think the main thing I need to focus on and remind myself about is to simply BE BRAVE. This next chapter is just about me. And it's probably going to be the best thing to ever happen to me.

[baeshijima]

Sophieee happy lantern rite!!

Done with the first quest of the event just as the second one is out, but I'll be doing that later cause— story time!

I was close to 5* pity on the chronicled wish, and me being me, thought that "oh Baizhu's really pretty— ahem, I mean he works great with Furina!" which is good because my best teams are dendro related (my bias is showing again—) and I was like "dope, I'll pull, and hope I get either Baizhu, or perhaps Shenhe for my Ganyu and future Wriothesley!"

...I was still in the process of leveling up Mavuika, and slowly Sethos too, but Baizhu snatched up first priority— HE CAME HOMEE!!!!

Yes, so now I'm indecisive between spending resin on the exp books for Mavuika or Baizhu, and leveling up Baizhu's weapon talents plus his ascension too haha...

Well, at least he's home and he really goes heal a lot, I get the fanfare stacks so quickly stacked I'm actually quite impressed!!

And I also played the Natlan AQ and... and... omg... (I suppose I'll be vague in case you haven't played it yet, so no worries for spoilers!)

I've seen a lot of people complaining about it— and the rest going on about "capitano please be playable!" (the latter being so relatable—), so I was actually kinda confused with the mixed reactions, and so stayed away from spoilers as much as I could (although little tid-bits here and there were unavoidable), but I'd say I was pretty much on the edge of my seat for the cutscenes because— they're great?! I mean, I kinda understand some people's points that we didn't really connect with the Natlan playable characters, for example the way we did in Fontaine— but imo I think I do quite like the Natlan cast and the nation too, so I'm kinda confused with the whole thing, but anyways— I had fun! I hope you do/did too!!

Speaking of which, the 5.4 livestream!! Wriothesley's back after being locked away in hoyo's cryo jail!!! Which means I'm not pulling for Arlecchino anymore... so that means Xiangling can continue enjoying the fancy polearm... (And speaking of fancy polearm, side eyes alt account where the vortex vanquisher is being passed around as the underleveled polearm characters as they decide what to do with it...)

Oh this ask got kinda long oopies hehe— anyways, January is coming to a close already... wow time really does fly (I won't say when you're having fun because I was studying for my bio exam which actually went really well but that does nothing to soothe my worries because— gets bonked for overthinking.)

Hope January has been pleasant and that the other coming months will be loads more enjoyable!!

(ps: lantern rite first quest teensy spoiler/references— (I was giggling through the quest almost entirely because in the first half I was thinking of the spiderman pointing at each other meme when I took baizhu into bubu pharmacy, and then the whole conversation with zhongli was ironic because tea master liu su not knowing that rex lapis was right. there. beside him— and zhongli with the coin is a sight to behold lmao— and paimon's dialogue she'd be easier convinced that rex lapis was a slime when zhongli was right there— I love paimon omg))

🍀

HAPPY LANTERN RITE CLOVER NONNIE !! YAHOO FELLOW BAIZHU HAVERS ARISE 😩😩 hehe im glad u managed to get him !! stacking all the hp on him so he never dies <33

and i still havent done any of the new genshin quests 😭 since its lantern rite i will definitely at least do that but maybe its bc so much is happening (cough uni crushing me with the assignments and research cough) that i barely have the energy to sit through them ;w; once i actually start the quest i should be fine tho <//3 but i can see ur point abt natlan !! i think the main issue ppl really have is that natlan as a whole didnt live up to their expectations of what the region would represent, and on top of that the harbinger everyone liked having... that happen to him... but it really is just each to their own bc we all have our own preferences

AND I SAW LIKE ??? HELLO ??????? WRIOTHESLEY REAL??????? first shenhe (kinda) rerun and now wrio rerun right after.... welcome back king u were mia for so long i was starting to think u were a fever dream..... (NOT THE ACC WITH VORTEX 😭)

stop... zhongli being the Normal Guy™ that he totally is a must in lantern rite and im so excited to see him fool absolutely no one that he isnt some divine being yet again 😭

[irastayshome]

I sometimes still imagine you holding me from behind. A warm hug that gets tighter and warmer till I can't resist and turn around and tell you how much I need you. How much you mean to me. I never said that enough to you in the last few years. The daydreaming still happens, though I don't dissociate anymore when it does. I feel it all now. The pain i've caused you, the pain you've caused me, the pain we went through together, and the pain you went through alone. I also feel all that love. The immense need that you fulfilled in me, and I hope that it was the same for you. You probably don't know this, but i've been trying to live.. a little bit more for myself, and not just pretending for the boys. I've started learning BJJ, together with Ibrahim. You remember one of our first few dates? On fort canning hill, when you admitted you had tried to learn BJJ online to have something interesting to teach me on our date, though it was mostly an opportunity for us to be in such close contact. I had never heard of that sport till that point, and thought wow you know martial arts is that why you're so hunky.. Oh sayang. BJJ is good fun, though i'm sure I would be a much better learner back then, 10 yrs ago. My 34 year old body can barely get a hang of where to put which limb and my usual overthinking and poor memory has gotten much worse since you last courted me. One thing hasn't changed though. I am well aware that I'm past my prime and you have nothing to worry about, nor will I even have any space in my life to with the kids and trying to support them. But with that said.. I miss being touched by you. By a living, breathing man who loves me, and desires me. I miss being held - feeling so safe and yet so vulnerable in that desire for you. Each time I go for a class and there aren't any ladies to pair up with, my heart goes into overdrive and I can barely contain myself. I'm all suited up and obviously have no skin contact, or barely, but those visual thoughts of us enter at the most inconvenient and embarrassing moments. Sometimes I feel like I need to isolate myself because I don't trust the emotions that hit and at times pour out of me. What I would do to have one more of those moments with you. I know we'll be together again someday, but seeing as how I'm the bigger sinner amongst us two, you'd have to wait quite awhile. I've got a lot of atoning to do. I hope you've been hearing our doas, especially Ibrahim's. Idris is getting there, slowly, but steadily. For now, i'm so.. so.. tired sayang. The hole in their young hearts is still raw and bleeding, more obviously so for Ibrahim. I keep trying to find a way to plug it, but there is no use.. it is the price we pay for loving you. and the three of us have gone through so much in a bubble that only us 3 can understand.

Also to catch you up on what you missed out on...

Nyayi passed away.. it was the final week of my iddah period for you. I got the news over a text after I sent the kids to school, and I broke down in waterway point. A security guard tried consoling me, but I could not breathe because I needed you there. You weren't there. I know you had a say in sending a stranger, a nice lady, my way. She made sure I was alright before I headed off to break the news to the kids. Nyayi looked peaceful, and I was happy for her for she got the death she wanted in her room, on the bed that you and I used to sleep on too. Ibrahim insisted on watching her burial, but I hadn't anticipated how much it would have affected him. That was the start of him experiencing some severe anxieties. We're working through that now, with every conversation, hug, therapy and lots of sun and exercise.

We took Idris on his first trip overseas.. it was Australia. The place Ibrahim had doa for us to go to once you got better from your last surgery, which you didn't. You should have seen the look on his face right before he boarded the plane. He never hides any emotions and it would have warmed your heart to see how excited he was.

I went back to work. I guess this is no surprise, and you'd probably have expected me to, but it was hard. I left after 6 months, right before I was confirmed. Im back to square one now, or worse, because I can't figure this part out with the kids still needing quite a bit of attention. Send me a sign if you can somehow, because oh i am lost and frankly don't know who to talk to about it other than a paid therapist, and I know how much you'd hate that.

Ibrahim has done his sunnat, and yes he screamed afterwards and was terrified, but he soldiered on and i'm so proud of him on your behalf too.

Ibrahim is now in primary 1, and he's a class monitor! haha. Yes I had my reservations, but his teacher said he's doing so well, and not surprisingly she's astonished by the "rare level of maturity" she saw in him.

Your brother got married. Ibrahim went, but I must apologize that I just could not go. I tried, but the thought of looking your mother in the eye, and not knowing what I can or cannot say with your relatives after the drama on the day you passed is just too much. I wish I could say that Ibrahim had a good reunion with your mum too, but I guess im still glad he doesn't know what went on behind the scenes and that he still felt your brothers' love for him.

Honestly, the last few nights, or weeks, have been strangely hard. I find myself at this crossroad again to figure out what's my next step, and the only person that I can think of who can talk me through it is you. Was you.

and I finally did it. I cleaned out your closet, took out that bag of clothes from the hospital, inhaled thinking it would still smell like you. It didnt.. it smelled like moth balls. and I let it all come out of me.. the anger that you're not here anymore, the guilt that I could have done or said more to save you, the desperation of wanting nothing more than to you see you walking through that door and hold me as I cried into your superman jacket. I never wanted anything so badly as I did in that moment.

Well, that's it from me for now. Just please do me a favour..

"If you get there before I do, Don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long i'll be.. But i'm not gonna let you down. Darling wait and see.. and between now and then till I see you again i'll be loving you... Love me."

Ya, u can laugh if u want. But I know you appreciate that, you closet romantic.