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aquariitheorchid · 4 months ago

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Knives and his characterization in Trigun Stampede. UPDATE.

Yapping again because I realized that some things I said were wrong. My apologies 🙏.

I did rush to put together my previous post and probably worded things really wrong. (it was like 2 in the morning). I was also pretty excited to engage with people like this. I live for some good analysis. It was my first time trying to put my thoughts into something cohesive.

Regarding his characterization that we know of...

He isn't a flat or static character. He has layers and depth. However, when we are introduced to him, he is. We barely know anything about him. We gain more knowledge about him as the season progresses. This added knowledge gives us layers about him. It's just not a lot of knowledge.

Regarding the POV thing I mentioned...

I still think whatever backstory we got from the flashbacks are biased. They come from someone else's point of view, or they are being manipulated by Knives himself. This may be in a better light or a more damning one. The thing is, we don't know. Compared to the manga or Trigun 98', we've barely have scratched the surface of his character and backstory. I really hope we get more of him from a more neutral point of view.

I also do want to mention that I think Knives is a villain. A villain is someone who's evil actions and morals are important to the plot (sourced from bing). Knives certainly fits this. He is sympathetic (to a point), yes, but his actions still affect people around him in a negative way. He is a villain in terms of plot. He is villain and antagonist. Stories can have more than one villains and antagonists Thematically is a different story. Knives, thematically, is a very complex character. Once you look at his character, there's so many things to notice about him. This goes for a lot of the other characters too. Knives is more closed off as a kid than he is evil. To call him evil feel so wrong actually. In the scene when Rem tells him to hide his powers and to act like a human, he's familiar with it. He knows what to say back. Rem is trying to protect him. He's actively hiding a part of himself, a major part. He's going to act closed off and secretive. I also feel like once Knives does learn about Tesla, Rem's treatment of him makes a lot more sense. Knives is also literally just a kid. He's like a year old, even if he does grow fast. It's not a long time. Tesla is definitely a major tipping point for him. (also like...why did Rem let him read the bible? do you know how much gory stuff is in the bible? even if he was the plant equivalent of a six year old and it is a religious text and there may not be a whole lot else to read, I do not think that was the best choice. it also was probably Rem who told him about it or gave it to him because of what she says later about god and angels.)

I always felt like his actions were contradictory to his motives. (spoilers: THEY ARE) He wants to save the Plants but to do so he's going to harm them and exploit them? Knives and Conrad literally have so much technology at their disposal. Enough to make a top of a skyscraper fly, make weapons from lost technology, augment humans...and probably a lot more I'm not listing. They definitely could have done something, made something, that would have helped the Plants. But no. They had to do the (not even an actual hypothesis) soul thing that just abused the Plants and Vash more, the trying to alter humanity thing...This argument does also not really focus on the more emotional side of Knives's actions and morals. I have a lot more to say about the nonemotional side, but it doesn't really pertain to this.

Knives is 100% a character and sympathetic villain that is led by his emotions. He is full of layers and depth and we don't know the full picture about him yet. (STUDIO ORANGE IM WATCHING YOU. DO NOT FUMBLE THIS.) Even if you try to tell his story from his perspective, his actions are still driven by emotions and negatively affect those around him. If you try to erase the emotions from his character and look at his motives and actions directly, it doesn't make sense. His actions are super fucked up though, what he’s done is inexcusable. The reason behind said actions is what makes him so fascinating and interesting.

I'm still 100% not okay with some of the choices the producers and minds behind this adaptation are making regarding somethings.

Knives and his characterization in Trigun Stampede.

Im yapping again...

OKAY! so. I've seen a lot of people across several platforms talk about Knives and his characterization across the several mediums that Trigun is involved in. I want to throw my two cents in.

THIS IS STRICTLY A TRIGUN STAMPEDE VIEW. I have some, not a lot, of knowledge about Knives in Trigun Maximum.

There's a very, very clear difference between the two Knives' in TriStamp/Stargaze and Trigun Maximum. In my interpretation of these characters, I think it's mostly about how others tell his story. Everything we see about him is from another's point of view.

I haven't read TriMax yet. I'm currently waiting for the deluxe versions to come out. So, I'll make an update post once I do and another one when Trigun Stargaze comes out.

What I'm yapping about will focus on Knives' interpretation in Trigun Stampede. I will say that they are two different characters. What I think the producers and directors are trying to do is show us how Knives could be a dynamic character or at least as the potential to be one. (if they don't fumble...)

The plot in Trigun Stampede is driven by and shown to the viewers by Meryl. She is the viewer's eyes into this world. She finds and interviews Vash in the dinner, her and Roberto drive Vash across the desert after the events of Jenora Rock. She hits Wolfwood with her car. She intervenes on the sandsteamer. Meryl and Roberto are kidnapped by Zazie then saved by Wolfwood and Vash, subsequently bringing Vash to Knives. Then she saves Vash by reminding him of Rem. She takes Milly on as a newbie.

Her actions direct the plot forward. We are shown this wonderful, fucked up and confusing world through her eyes. Eyes that have not seen the true nature of this world. Think Roberto's comment of Meryl's ivory tower. She is sheltered. Very much like the audience is. This all ties into the idea of perception. We are seeing this world though her eyes. Conflicts like Vash being a plant are revealed to her just as they are revealed to the audience. It's safe to assume that her interpretation is biased. Of course it is. Every view we get of this world is biased. This is introduced from early on with Meryl, then Roberto, then Wolfwood, then to Vash, and then to Knives

When it comes to Knives, we are introduced to him as a force of nature, a God of destruction. It's somewhat flat. This is intentional. In episode three, we are given A and B. A, a reason (his talk to Vash about taking the plant). B, a menacing appearance of an antagonist that seems very one dimensional. (He is here for the plant and to set the conflict of this story. That is what we are shown in this specific episode.)

His character doesn't develop further all that much when we are introduced to characters that work with or are devoted to him. The first real bit of deeper characterization we get about Knives is from Vash's memory of what happened on that plant carrier all those years ago. "Why would they choose this medium to introduce him?" is it to show his motives? Yes. It is absolutely this. Is it also to follow along with the theme of biases and point of view? Yep. This also extends to the soup/metaphorical SA scene in the final arc of this season. This point of view, all of these flashback scenes are biased because they are memories from Vash's perspective.

We are shown that Knives is hurt from what the humans are doing and uses aggression and violence to express this. This is shown with the last run and Tesla. Knives is afraid, he's scared for him and Vash's sake. Though he'll never admit this. To admit that would give power to the humans that have hurt him and them. I can imagine the result (the aggression and fear) of this would cause Vash (someone he's hurt) to question things about his character. This would then lead to the biased view we get.

We are not getting the full story from Vash's perspective. It's like someone telling their side of a story. We will never know the full story unless we are shown this. Everything in this story is biased, or at least up to this point. I can imagine Vash thinking, post getting his arm chopped of, "has Knives always been like this?" and that thought altering his memories. There's no way after 150 years he's gonna remember everything good about his brother, esspeically when he's hurt him time and time again. The bad will outshine the good.

The producers and minds behind this show have a chance to do something great with his character. They are setting him up as a pretty flat character, but I can see them taking his character and making it more dynamic with the idea that all point of view's are biased. ITS JUST I DON'T REALLY TRUST THE PRODUCERS TO DO JUSTICE TO THIS.

I have a decent number of issues with the producers and minds behind this version of Trigun already. From them liking incest art, to whitewashing Wolfwood, to not licensing Meryl merchandise, to getting rid of Wolfwood's goof( i do have hope for it returning in szn 2), to them getting rid of transgender Elendira and making her half-plant half-human, and to them getting rid of a lot of what people liked in the 98' series and TriMax. They're very much leaning heavily into tropes. I do blame some of this on what the studio is able to get away with in terms of representation. In the west, it's easier to do that sort of stuff, but not so much in Japan. it is of course, no excuse for them not doing this. I'm starting to lose hope in what direction they're going. I do have biases because Trigun Stampede is my first introduction into Trigun as a whole, but I'm starting to lose interest. I adore this show with a passion but GOD ITS LOOKING LIKE THEY'RE GONNA FUMBLE THIS. SEASON TWO BETTER SHOW SOME MORE LOVE TO THE INSURANCE GIRLS TOO.

#trigun #trigun stampede #millions knives #studio orange #tristamp #i messed up #i apologize #im gonna keep adding to this dont you worry. i havent reached peak insufferability yet.

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dulce-chisme · 2 years ago

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HC: Other than Santiago, the other Lady M's are the only others Nini allows herself to be vulnerable around.

Also, I would love to hear your thoughts on Santi and Nini's childhoods!

i also think that nini used to be really open with satine and vice versa until harold kinda favorited satine over everyone else and she left nini in the dust and they grew apart

ALSO I LUV TALKING AB MY CHILDHOOD HCS FOR THEM SO HERES A TIMELINE

nini:

- grew up poor as FUCK just outside of monmatre

- raised “catholic” (read: her parents used the bible as an excuse to be shitty parents)

- her dad died when she was young, and her mom was a terrible mother

- she dated a bunch of older guys during her teen years and was like “this is normal they’re totally in love with me and i��m im love with them even though they’re like 7273737 times my age!!!!”

- mother did not give a shit about this ^

- had a kid when she was like. 15. mom kicked her out. couldn’t support the kid. gave it up for adoption to a nice couple she found

- stumbled across the moulin rouge when she was about 17 ish

- started as a dancer

- wasn’t making enough money because a courtesan etc etc until all the events in the musical happened

santiago:

- obviously he grew up in argentina we all know this. was also poor as shit.

- he had a bunch of little siblings, was the oldest out of all of them

- his parents worked a lot to make money so he took care of his siblings while his parents were at work and when his parents came home he’d go to work

- always loved dancing from a young age. like all latino tamiles (except for like. the fuckin abuela from coco) his house was always full of music and he’d dance with his mom a lot when he was little as she wasn’t at work

- he was around fifteen when he started drinking because he was so stressed out with his family and everything and his parents were like. extremely concerned but they couldn’t say anything because he’d get really mad so they backed off

- when he turned eighteen he finally felt like he didn’t have to carry the burden of taking care of his family any more so he just like. disappeared. he scammed his way all around latin america and europe until finally landing in france when he was maybe 20 and met toulouse

also i hc santi to be in his early to mid thirties and nini in her mid/late twenties during the actual show :)

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tendous-socks · 3 years ago

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TOKYO REVENGERS HEADCANONS OF ME BEING NON BINARY / REACTING TO SOMEONE BEING NON BINARY

tw: ⚠️⚠️kisaki⚠️⚠️ and manga spoilers, mentions of death, transphobia,

would misgender and dead-name me

1.kisaki.

must i need an explanation?😐

2. shion

“ what’re you gonna do about it?? HUH?? WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT ???”

actively looks for a fight

… if y’all are in a relationship he’d still call you his “girl” but beats people up for doing so….

3. mucho

i get the vibes that he’s traditional

would silently stare in judgment

4. mochi

he just doesn’t care clslfkxkslk

thinks it’s weird

“ nor/mal”

7. rindou..

“you either have a pen or a vag. “

8.ran

“interesting”

*continues dead naming me*

9. KOKO

he would be nicer about it when he’s in toman due to inui… but once they’re separated- an ABSOLUTE MEANCE

… reluctantly apart of the protection squad with inui ( enjoys beating people up tho)

10. bontent mikey

… he’s just so tired and doesn’t really care ) that is if you’re not close with him… but then again how close can you really get?)

11. ) PAH CHIN

AND ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS IGNORANT AND HIS FATHER DIDN BELIEVE IN THAT STUFF AND HE DIDNT KNOW BUT THEN ( if y’all are close ) HE’D FEEL BAD AND AFTER YOU EXPLAINED IT TO HIM HE TOLD PEH CHIN TOO AND WERE SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE

but if y’all ain’t close he would slowly get the hint… this is canon.

because i said so-

11. sanzu…

he’s quietly judging you

EDIT

SOMEONE SAID SANZU WOULD USE ANY PRONOUNS AND I REALLY LIKE THAT HC-

SO SANZU WOULD PROBABLY JUST ‘ SILENTLY JUDGE YOU’ SO OTHERS DONT CATCH ON MHMHM

12. akashi

traditional- plus it was a different era for him growing up so…

(would glare at someone if he really did see you getting emotionally distressed)

13. smiley

“ that’s one of the most stupidest shit ive ever fucking heard 😁”

.🙁

“ you either have tits or a dick “

.☹️

but would beat people up if you get SUPER upset ( call it his protect instincts with angry, but would send people to the hospital)

14. taiju

“ i wanna church girl who goes to church and reads her bible “

would spit at me

- WHO WOULD BEAT SOMEONE UP FOR DEAD-NAMING / MISGENDERING

1. PAH CHIN AND PEH YAN

THEYRE ABSOLUTE MENACES TO SOCIETY IF SOMEONE CALLS YOU A GIRL / BOY

head canon : during tenjiku you were there and had to adjust your transtape cause it was coming lose 🙄

which is literally the most annoying thing in the world-

and shion saw you.

he came up and was like “ HUH WHAT’VE WE GOT HERE?? A GIRL PRETENDING TO BE A G-“

couldn’t even finish his sentence with how fast peh chin clocked his ass 🤭

( peh yan supremacy)

2. my main man takemichy

no explanation needed ( maybe deadnamed you only once cause he didn’t know)

3. inui cause i said so

5. BAJI BAJI

BAJI WOULD ALMOST KILL A DUDE FOR CALLING YOU YOUR DEAD NAME

i KNOW mama baji raised him right ✋🙄

almost clocked chifuyu when you told him about your first encounter kcksldofospdoco

almost clocked your mom when she said “you got it girlfriend”

she was confused when she saw you desperately trying to prevent the next criminal minds episode

best listener for body dystrophia fight me 🙉❤️

6. senju

*comes out*

“..oh okay! anyways as i was saying [preferred name] “

would need some gentle reminders only once or twice cause i will say it does take a bit of time for people to get used to it and there are always a few slip ups

tells akashi about your pronouns ( ONLY WITH YOUR CONSENT OFC)

( promises to try and be more girly if he calls you by them and your preferred name)

she wants you to go into more details about what you’re feeling cause she’s genuinely very interested about everything and she wants to know more about you.

7. emma 😻 vv supportive 🙌🙌

*sicks mikey and draken out on anyone who hurts your feelings

“you know [blah blah blah] from history?”

“of course yeah “

“yeah he ended up calling me slur during class- what’re you doing?”

*emma pulling out her phone

“hm? oh nothing don’t worry about it”

gave more insight about it to draken and mikey

8. HINA

YALL SAW HOW SHE SLAPPED MIKEY-

THIS GIRL WOULD D R A G A BITCH BY THEIR HAIR IF SHE SAW THEM BULLYING YOU

the one of correct takemichy

9. yuzuha

hina but 10x worse

trips transphobes for shit and giggles 🤪🤞

i like to think that the girls (all 4) would just all stare down a girl who was shit talking you and just pick her apart mercilessly ( a little ooc but this is my head canons so they can be whatever i say they are)

ones idk about

1. mikey

he knows that you can handle yourself so he lets you correct people.

sometimes he’ll jump in and correct them instead for one of two reasons.

1. he felt like it

2. they kept calling you your dead name and misgendering you EVEN THOUGH you already corrected them

but if the person ACTIVELY does that and says some… not so fruity things. he’ll send em to the hospital and end up on life support 😌☝️

like dom tertto, he cares about his family. and toman is his family, and you’re in toman ( not THAT kind of y/n way 🙄 )

“ BE WHO YOU AREE🌈🌈🌈🌈🤪🤞🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈”

1. draken

… listen… idk why, but i just don’t SEE him beating people up for misgendering me… well okay i kinda see it,

but he’d be like, “ i don’t understand what you’re going through, but i support you and if you want to talk about it i’m here”

wants to try and understand so like i said before, he lets you rant about what you’re feeling

would let you handle your own battles cause your strong enough to

a true king 😎🙌

does in fact throw punches when it gets REALLY BAD

2. angry

… idk h o w empathic he is and how mad he’d have to be on your behalf when people actively kept misgendering you to become the blue ogre.

but he’d just start crying at the confrontation.. 😐

my hero ig 🤥

3. izana

“ that’s fucking stupid”

*beats up middle aged woman who said for you to “ have a good day ma’am”

but if y’all close he’ll only say it’s stupid once when he sees you genuinely upset and ignoring him

“ be who you are.. 🌈”

4. kaku

same boat as izana, A LOT less judgmental

5. mitsuya

won’t hesitate to send a bitch flying

actively corrects people

( teaches luna and mana about your pronouns for the next time you come over 🕺🏻)

TAKES YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

6. haitani brothers

*actively bullies you

*bullies kid into the grave for looking at your chest area

7. …hakkai

he accidentally slipped up once🤒

WHEN I SAY THIS MANS FACE WENT PALE- HE DIDNT TALK TO YOU FOR A W E E K MINIUM CAUSE HE FELT SO BAD

YOU KEPT TELLING HIM THAT ITS FINE-

BUT HE FELT AWFUL

( has nightmares about it)

8. chifuyu would only do it in his mohawk era cause he wanted to seem metal and impress da boys 🥶🥶☝️☝️

pulled you aside at the end of the day to apologize

( like i said before, baji almost clocked him when you told him about your first encounter )

who am i kidding they’re all in gangs, they’d probably kill someone if they hurt you cospwpfoslief

——————

IF YALL GOT ANYMORE IDEAS LMK CAUSE IM INVESTED IN YHIS AND WANNA HEAR WHAT YALL THINK

#tokyo revengers drabbles #tokyo revengers scenarios #tokyo revengers taiju #tokyo revengers spoilers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers mikey #tokyo revengers draken #hakkai #chifuyu headcanons #tokrev baji #tokrev #ran haitani x reader #haitani brothers #rindou haitani #non bianry #enby #tokyo revengers senju #emma sano

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razzleberryjam · 4 years ago

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Bruh, I just remembered when I was 13 and my mom forced me to go to a Christian camp for 1 week during the summer called unplugged, we couldn't have any electronics (i was upset because obviously at 13, my entire world is texting my friends on kik) and also we had to sleep at this church in sleeping bags and take 5 minute timed cold af showers in the morning. Here's how it went, they woke you up at 5:30am, you all lined up to take your time cold af shower, they didn't tell me what i would need to pack, I only brought 4 pairs of pants, 1 pair of pajama shorts, and 5 t-shirts, no shampoo, soap, or sleeping bag because no one told me i would have to sleep and shower there until my mom already dropped me off. Then, they'd move us to breakfast, a bowl of cereal. The sun is starting to rise as we pray over our food lion brand fruit loops, then private Bible study, i didnt have a Bible so they gave me one. I mostly just read it straight thru cause some of the stories are pretty cool ngl, then they gave us a bagged lunch, just a white bread sandwich with various fillings, sometimes it would be like a single slice of baloney and kraft cheese, one time all that was on it was fucking pimento cheese spread, fucking disgusting. The community service was actually the only part I enjoyed. Food banks and baking cookies for Ronald Mcdonald house is actually a very enjoyable way to spend your time, but the worst was when they made us practice evangelism. We had to walk around a public park, 13-17 year olds, and hand out water bottles to strangers and tell them about Jesus, there was one adult per 7 kids, so we were largely unsupervised during this activity which I realize now, i couldve easily been kidnapped during. Dinner was the only meal that had a chance at being good cause they actually cooked something, but the worst part is how fucking CULT LIKE it was. Like, I, using my power of free thinking had deduced, "if God is our father, and Jesus is his son, hes technically our brother" and i said this outloud, because im 13, and i think thats a cool thought, I immediately got yelled at and pulled away to a corner. I was harshly scolded and told "thats what mormans believe, dont say that, its wrong." Shit like that, and then there was one part where they were encouraging people to "testify" i.e. spill all of the daily problems you go through and then proclaim your love for Jesus in front of everyone. I was cutting myself at the time, and I was viscously bullied by peers and even teachers at my middle school. I was in a really bad place and hearing everyone saying all that shit it almost made me feel like I wanted to go up and spill my shit. I actually did later that night to my youth pastors wife, and the whole time she never comforted me about my problems, only quoted jesus and kept pressuring me into saying that prayer that let's jesus into your heart or whatever shit like "just let it all go, let jesus take away your pain" like what fucking kool-aid shit

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etherealwaifgoddess · 5 years ago

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Maybe I Am? - Chpt.2

Characters: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Steve takes a risk and the guys go out on a “date”. Master list HERE

Content Warning: first “date” cuteness, making out

Word Count: 2.5k

Author’s Note: Hello lovelies! Today is one of those days where I am eternally grateful for having a “draft” option. Because honestly, ya girl is exhausted. So yay for drafts! Enjoy chapter two. I’m honestly too tired to give ya’ll a better note right now. :-\ XOXO - Ash

Chapter Two

Steeeeve [9:32:08PM]: Hey, it’s Steve.

Bucky Barnes [9:32:47PM]: hi steve

Steeeeve [9:33:15PM]: I had a lot of fun meeting up today.

Bucky Barnes [9:33:39PM]: me 2

Steve huffed staring at Bucky’s second generic response. He was usually so much more lively. Steve took a long sigh and started texting what he needed to get off his chest.

Steeeeve [9:35:21PM]: I’m sorry if I came off as confused or misleading.

Steeeeve [9:35:26PM]: I didn’t mean to do that. But I am kind of confused right now.

Steeeeve [9:35:35PM]: I spent so much time liking the idea of you, and you in real life was even more amazing than I could have expected. But I’ve never dated a guy before and I never expected to want to. And now I think I do.

Steeeeve [9:35:49PM]: I’m sorry. This probably isn’t any less confusing. I’m apparently really bad at this lol. I guess what I’m trying to say is, will you go out on a maybe-date with me? I want to try and see how I feel. I don’t want to string you on, but I want to try.

Bucky stared at the flurry of texts coming into his phone. Damn, serial texter much? He read and re-read Steve texts a few times, chewing nervously his bottom lip, trying to find a response. He wasn’t willing to let his heart get trample on again, not after Brock. But he really liked Steve and if there was a chance Steve might like him too, it was too good to pass up. He had a distinct feeling he was going to regret it, but he tapped out the only honest response he could think of.

Bucky Barnes [9:44:13PM]: i like u 2 steve. i get that ur confused. lets try ur maybe-date and see how it goes? if it goes well cool, if not no hard feelings. k?

Steeeeve [9:45:20PM]: Thank you. Really, thank you for being so great about this. Can we get dinner one night this week?

Bucky Barnes [9:45:55PM]: im free any nite but tues

Steeeeve [9:46:10PM]: I can do Friday night around 7. There’s a really great Mexican place a few blocks over from the gym if you’re willing to schelp all the way over to Park Slope.

Bucky Barnes [9:46:31PM]: sounds good. see u then

Bucky sighed, putting his phone away into the pocket of his favorite old hoodie. He had a date. A maybe-date, but for some reason that felt good enough for him at the moment.

xxXxx

Steve discovered the best part of being able to text Bucky wasn’t just that their chatting was no longer limited to when they were both near a computer, but that they now had a full range of emojis, memes, and GIFs at their disposal. He could now send Bucky random funny things he found during the day and he felt a little proud when Bucky would send back a string of laughing emojis, knowing he had brightened the other man’s day a little. He had worried with their maybe-date looming things might be a little awkward but if anything they were going even better. By the time Friday came Steve was genuinely looking forward to their maybe-date. He had even gone out on Wednesday before his shift at the gym to pick up a set of clothes that were distinctly not gym wear. He couldn’t remember the last time he bought a button up shirt but he had to admit the blue and white checked shirt looked nice on him. He was trying not to stress over the maybe-date but he felt this gnawing need to know, definitively, if he was truly interested in Bucky, or just the fantasy of WinterBae.

Steve raced home Friday to shower and change, hoping he’d left himself enough time to do all that and still make it over to Los Aztecas in time. Taking the time to slick back his hair and do a quick shave, Steve was hustling out the door only to realize he’d forgotten the bottle of wine once he got outside. After a fast double back for the wine he was on his way, making it to the tiny authentic Mexican restaurant with three minutes to spare. He had barely stopped walking when he saw Bucky hopping out of an uber. Steve felt a little flutter at the sight of Bucky and he took it as a good sign.

Bucky looked amazing in his dark skinny jeans and a silky looking black shirt. A minimalist necklace was around his throat, the simple bar resting just below the wings of his collarbones. Steve noticed Bucky had swapped out the cheery beaded bracelets he’d worn on Sunday for a set of sleek silver and leather ones. He looked like he belonged on the cover of a fashion magazine and Steve felt ridiculous in what Sam had teased was his bible salesman outfit.

“Heya.” Bucky greeted warmly, extending an arm for a half hug.

“Hey,” Steve echoed, hugging back with his free hand. “Ready for the best Mexican food of your life?”

“Definitely, let’s go.”

Steve led Bucky inside the little restaurant, its cozy decor making the place feel intimate instead of cramped. Steve had called ahead for reservations so they were whisked off to a table as soon as he gave the concierge his name. Bucky was looking around fascinated, taking in all the colorful decorations.

“It’s really something, huh?” Steve prompted with a smile.

Bucky nodded in agreement, “Yeah, it’s beautiful. So much art packed into so little space. Thanks for bringing me here, Steve.”

“It’s one of my favorite places in the area, mostly for the tacos but also for the art. I got my degree in fine art before I switched gears and went back to get certified in exercise science.”

“That’s quite a switch.” Bucky laughed.

“Art will always be my first love, but it’s not exactly profitable. And once I got healthier I knew I wanted to help other people do the same. I was really sick as a kid and didn’t hit any major growth spurts until I was almost 21. After that, I worked out a lot getting used to my new body and fell in love with the gym.”

“Wow. I’m glad you were able to get healthier, and it’s sweet you’re trying to give back to others with that.”

“Do you go to a gym? I won’t be offended that it’s a competitor, I swear.”

Bucky barked out a laugh, “No. God, no. I am perfectly happy with not having abs or a totally flat stomach as long as waffles exist.”

Steve couldn’t help his eyes dropping to Bucky’s stomach which honestly couldn’t have had more than the smallest layer of padding across it. “That’s okay too. Waffles are pretty great.”

The waitress stopped by to uncork their wine and drop off a basket of fresh tortilla chips and salsa verde.

“What did you bring?” Bucky asked as he took the glass of white wine Steve had poured him.

“Albariño. A waitress here recommended it a few years ago and now it’s my go to. It’s light and crisp, and kinda citrusy? I’m not a wine snob but it’s damn good and goes really well with tacos. I hope you like white wine, I forgot to ask.”

“I’ve yet to meet a white wine I didn’t like, so you’re safe.” Bucky sipped the wine and his eyes lit up, “Oh yeah, this is good. I’ll be hunting this down next time I go shopping.”

“You can get it over at the little wine boutique near the farmers market in Sunset Park. They always have this kind.”

“Nice, I’ll have to check it out. My sister will love this the next time she visits.”

The conversation flowed as the basket of tortilla chips disappeared, only ebbing when their platters arrived and they tucked into their food. Steve had ordered his usual taco platter while Bucky opted for the taquitos platter, an assortment of slow roasted meats wrapped in thin crispy shells. He let out a groan at his first bite that had Steve’s heart stuttering in his chest. The maybe-date had mostly felt like a friend-date up until that point, though Steve had to admit there was a tiny flutter of like there too. But the noise Bucky made and the expression on his face had Steve thinking anything but friends only thoughts.

Bucky caught Steve staring at him as he licked a dribble of sauce off his bottom lip. He hadn’t gotten a distinct date-date vibe from Steve but the look on the blonde’s face was priceless. Bucky thought he probably had made a similar one the first time he saw Devon Sawa in Wild America when he was 12. He had never stood a chance of being straight after that. Testing the waters a little bit, Bucky smirked at Steve, making it abundantly clear he’d been caught staring. Steve flushed and Bucky’s smile widened. There might be hope after all.

Steve wasn’t sure if it was the wine or too many tacos but by the time dinner was over he felt glued to his seat. He hated knowing the evening was coming to an end and wanted to do something, anything, to prolong it. The waitress dropped off the sales receipt with a pen and Steve tried to steady his hand as he signed his name. He knew he needed to muster up his courage or he would be saying goodbye to Bucky in mere minutes.

“Thanks again for paying.” Bucky said after draining the last of his wine, “This was really nice.”

“It was.” Steve agreed, seeing his chance, “You know, I have another bottle of this wine back at my place if you wanna come over for a bit. Maybe you could help me find that movie app you were telling me about for the Fire Stick?”

“Sure, I’m happy to help. I won’t say no to more of that wine either.” Bucky stamped down the hopeful cheering in his chest that Steve was inviting him over. The poor guy probably didn’t mean that anything would happen other than wine and tech help but Bucky could always dream. He would be respectful though, he resolved to himself. He’d never dated a guy who was questioning his sexuality before and Bucky didn’t want to push too far too soon. Bucky figured it was best to let Steve set the pace and just hope his heart didn’t get run over in the process.

Steve’s apartment was only four blocks from the restaurant, a second floor walk up in an old converted brownstone. It was nicer than Bucky’s little hole in the wall apartment and even had a small second bedroom that Steve had set up as a home office. After giving Bucky a quick tour, he led them to the kitchen to pull another bottle of Albariño out of his cabinet. Passing a stemless glass to Bucky, he poured them both a generous amount of wine which they carried out to the living room so Bucky could show Steve the app he’d mentioned during dinner. A few clicks and a quick download later, Steve had access to a ridiculous amount of free movies.

“This is so great.” Steve praised, clicking through the different options. “Oh I love this one!”

“Hm?” Bucky looked up from his glass to see Steve hovering over 10 Things I Hate About You. “Oh that one is great. I remember wanting to be Patrick Verona when I grew up after seeing that.”

Steve gave an amused side eyed look at Bucky. “I think you did a decent job.” he teased, throwing on the movie out of sheer impulse.

Bucky laughed, “You’re sweet. But god knows I’ll never be that smooth.”

“You’re better off than me. I’ve been told I’m hopeless on more than one occasion.”

“You hold your own, Rogers.” Bucky assured him, reaching over to take Steve’s hand in his, stroking the pad of his thumb over the ridges of Steve’s knuckles.

Steve blinked slowly, looking from their joined hands up to Bucky’s face. It felt good, that fluttery feeling stirring in his gut at the contact. He gave Bucky a smile and squeezed his hand gently, making sure his consent was clear.

The movie rolled and they sipped their wine as Patrick did his best to woo Kat. Bucky slowly nudged closer to Steve until he was pressed against his side, his head leaning against Steve’s shoulder. He was warm and comfortable and completely unwilling to move by the time Letters to Cleo played into the credits.

“I can’t believe it’s after eleven already.” Steve yawned.

Bucky yawned next, set off by Steve’s. “Same. I had a really good night, Steve.” He looked up curiously, wondering if Steve had found any new revelations on their maybe-date.

“Me too. This was… really nice. Hey, um, I know this was a maybe-date, but maybe um…”

Bucky shifted so he could sit up taller and face Steve while he fumbled for words.

“I, um, I’d really like to kiss you right now.” Steve blurted out, looking equal parts excited and terrified.

Bucky’s smile was like the sun. “Okay, yeah.” Bucky reached out to cup Steve’s cheek, going agonizingly slow to give Steve a chance to bolt if he needed it. He leaned up a little and Steve craned his neck down, tentatively meeting Bucky’s lips with his own.

A soft press, a pause, another soft press, and then the kiss deepened, Bucky’s lips parting to slot Steve’s with his. Steve let out a choked off moan, unable to believe what he was doing and how good it felt. He let a hand rake through Bucky’s hair and it only made him want to feel more of the silky locks. The scent of cedar and teak from his cologne filled Steve’s nose and though it was very distinctly male, Steve couldn’t get enough of it. It was so much more than he could have expected but also not nearly enough. He was breathing raggedly when he finally pulled back, repressing a shudder at the well kissed expression on Bucky’s face. His full bottom lip was shining and red, his eyes heavy lidded and his chest heaving just as much as Steve’s.

“Whoa.” Steve finally breathed out in amazement.

“Yeah, whoa.” Bucky agreed. “So does this help in sorting out if this was a date-date?”

“I think it was definitely a date-date.”

“I’m glad. And do you think you’d want to try another date sometime?”

“When are you free next?” Steve chuckled, only half kidding.

“Easy there, pal.” Bucky warned lightly, patting Steve’s ridiculously broad chest. “We’ll find a day again soon.”

Steve nodded, knowing Bucky was right for wanting to take things slow. He led Bucky over to the door, giving him one last quick kiss goodbye before the brunette headed out into the early summer night. Steve was still floored by his own reactions to Bucky but it felt so right that he couldn’t agonize over it for long.

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #stucky #stucky fanfic #stucky fanfiction #idiots in love #confused steve rogers #gay bucky barnes #modern day au #no powers

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politics-notmything · 5 years ago

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I can't pretend that it's okay when it's not. (Part II)

This is Part II in the series. Reading Part I is recommended, let me know if you enjoyed and if you want more! Love you all!

TW- bad language, talk about rape and religion, talk about abortion. (let me know if there’s anything else I should add.)

Anne woke up with Parr beside her. What did she do to deserve her? Cathy's leg was dangling over the bed and her laptop was nearly falling off. Anne grabbed the laptop and was craving some Netflix. (When their relationship started becoming serious Cathy said that there should be no secrets between them and Anne happily told Cathy her password and figured she could do anything secret like plan an engagement on Kitty's MacBook.)

She punched into her girlfriend's passcode and the screen revealed a small word document. Pinterest was open beside it and the search was titled 'Baby rooms.' Anne diverted her eyes to the word document beside the tab. Each page was colour coded, pastel green, pastel blue, pastel yellow, pastel pink. Anne realised that Cathy had been getting inspiration for the baby's room. Anne closed the laptop slowly and smiled at her sleeping girlfriend, she looked so peaceful.

"Where have you been all my life?" Anne muttered before wrapping an arm around her girlfriend and snuggling down beside her.

"Babe? Annie? Wake up, baby." Cathy tapped on Anne's arm as she opened her eyes with a moan. "Anna's making pancakes, she wants everyone down to see her land the flip," Cathy explained. Anne closed her eyes again and rolled onto her back,

'I don't want to." She moaned.

"Cathy rolled her eyes and got into bed with her, "Let me rephrase that." She wriggled her arm around Anne's shoulder and pulled her in tightly, "Both of you need to get up." Cathy placed a hand on Anne's stomach and Anne snuggled into Cathy's chest.

"I don't know what to do." She mumbled so only Cathy could hear, "I want to keep it, I really do but I feel like I can't. It isn't really mine and it isn't ours. we still need to tell everyone and I don't think I can face that." Anne confessed not looking Cathy in the eyes,

"Annie, im not going to lie to you, this is going to be hard and im going to help you get through this, every second of it and anyone who says you were wrong I will kill them." Cathy defended and Anne buried her head into Cathy's shoulder for support and comfort.

She felt safe in Cathy's arms with her warm breaths against the back of her pale neck,"This is why I want to marry you." Anne yawned before snuggling back up to Cathy to sleep again.

Marry? She wants to marry me? Cathy was shocked, Anne Boleyn actually wants to be my wife? A small snore came from Anne's pale pink lips that Cathy had found comfort in so often and she arose from the bed. She walked softly over to her cabinet being careful where she stepped and opened the top drawer. She picked up a pair of fluffy cyan socks and shook them so a small black box with a green trim fell into her hand. She placed the socks back into the drawer and opened the box, taking out a beautiful ring. The ring was solid 14K yellow gold with an assorted pattern of emerald and diamond.

It sparkled in the light and Cathy couldn't help but awe at its beauty. It was wonderous, the way it shone in the light, the 6 emerald gems reminded her of Anne and that's why she bought it.

Two weeks from now, Jane had booked a trip for them to all go to Disneyland in Orlando and Anne had always romanced about kissing Cathy under cinderella's castle and that's where Cathy is going to propose. It would start as normal, Anne would drag Cathy towards the photographer, scan their cards and ask for 100 photos and she wouldn't care about the price. Then, halfway through the photoshoot, Cathy would pull the ring from her pocket and Anne would be too busy posing to know what was going on. Cathy would get down on one knee and-

"I swear to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ! You two are up here and the-" Aragon stopped when she saw Anne sleeping soundly and Cathy holding the ring. Her tone softened, "Shit, im so sorry, that could've really backfired!” Aragon apologised before walking over Cathy holding the ring. "So, your actually gonna do it?"

"Yea, when we go to Disneyland." Cathy gulped and looked at the other Catherine for support.

"If you looking at me for confirmation-"

"Well, yes." Cathy interjected, "Your Catholic, isn't this whole thing against your religion? It might also mess up our relationships with the other queens and I don't want that." Cathy explained before putting the ring back in it's bok and then back in the sock.

"Look, im not going to judge or stop you. I've seen you two together sometimes and the bond you two have is unbreakable! I'm not gonna stop true love." Aragon then continued, "it was only a matter of time anyway. People have been putting bets on you two."

"wait, what?"

"Oh yea, Kitty bet me 10 that Anne was gonna propose first, I countered that in saying Anne wouldn't be ready and you would make the first move. Jane told us to stop arguing and that you'll do it in your own time and Cleves said that you're both desperately in love and will probably end up proposing at the same time anyway." Aragon explained and Cathy couldn't help but laugh at the statement and then letting the queen continue, "Like I said, people are betting, it's only a matter of time! You two are made for each other and nothing should keep you apart."

"Thank you, Catherine." Cathy enveloped her in a hug as the smell of pancakes crept through the door.

"I'll let you wake the gremlin up. I hate dealing with a tired Anne." Aragon gave Cathy one last supportive smile and left the room.

"Okay sleeping beauty!' Cathy walked over to the bed and gave Anne a little peck on the nose, "It's time to wake up, for real this time!"

Cathy held Anne's hand as they walked down the stairs,

"I think I'm gonna tell them, Cathy, they need to know," Anne explained

"I'm not going to stop you, Annie, you should know that by now, I'm with you all the way!" Cathy rubbed circles on the back on Anne's hand and she turned around to face her girlfriend.and

"Thank you, babe' Anne said and Cathy could see it in her eyes as they interlocked their lips, she was genuinely grateful for everything and Cathy was going to keep it that way.

"I found them!" Anna's voice boomed in the hallway that leads to the kitchen,

"Honestly! It's been 2 hours since I knocked on your door this morning Anne, you need to eat!" Jane fused,

"She's probably already eaten." Cleves mocked and 'not-so-subtly winked at Parr who still had her hands-on Anne's waist.

"I hate you Cleves," Cathy remarked before lading Anne to her seat. Cathy could feel Anne's pulse racing and helped her sit down onto a chair for fear that she might fall, Kitty (who knew about Anne's 'big secret') gave her a reassuring smile from across the table. She'd been in Anne's position before. She’d also had her life and freedom taken away by a man who just wanted to use her for her body, to please only himself and having known what that felt like, Kitty would be there for her cousin without a second thought.

Cathy soon arrived back with two plates, one with 3 pancakes for herself and another plate of 6 for Anne all covered in Nutella and cream, just how she likes them. Anne thanked Cathy with a kiss on the cheek and picked up her fork before dropping it back onto the table. The queens looked up from their breakfast and Cathy put a warm hand on Anne's thy.

'We have something to tell you all." Anne mumbled.

"Annie. I can say it, it's fine." Cathy whispered in her ear,

"thank you." Anne said loud enough for only Cathy to hear.

"Last night, I found out something very important about my girlfriend. And as a disclaimer, before we start if any of you give her any kind of shit for it I will personally murder and then Tumblr shame you all. Understand?" Cathy stood up and put a defensive hand on Anne's shoulder as the queens nodded.

"why Cathy whats happened?' jane interrupted.

"Anne was-"

"Anne is pregnant." Kitty confessed and her quick comment was met with speechless faces and a look of death from Catherine, "I'm sorry Cathy but I couldn't keep lying to you all. I heard Anne crying a few weeks ago and sand brought her a pregnancy test. She needed support and I was there, she hadn't even told Parr at that point!"

The queens stayed silent as to process the information

"Whos the father then?" Cleves asked upfront.

"I don't know," Anne answered to have confused looks thrown her way.

"Like she said, we don't know. He took advantage of her on the street when she was walking back from the theatre." Cathy explained to the now shocked but somewhat understanding queens.

"Are you gonna keep it?" Cleves continued to push Anne for answers.

"Who cares what she does with it!" Aragon shouted, "You have to take this to court, the man has to be punished!"

"I don't know who he is." Anne shrank into her chair

"Fuck that! You've been raped, Anne!" Aragon shouted and Anne flinched at the word, " Christ! That's worse than being beheaded, Anne!"

One of Anne's problems with the situation was that she'd been the vulnerable one. She hated being overpowered or beaten. She was a strong and powerful woman and this thing had broken her into thousands of pieces.

"Catherine!" Jane hushed.

"No! I may not like you but this is bullshit!"

"Aragon-" Kitty tried to reason but the older Catherine continued,

"You've been put through a lot Anne but at least Henry got consent! We need to know these things! How could you be so fucking stupid?" Aragon stood up and slammed her hands on the table,

"It wasn't her fault!" Cathy defended. "Do you think she chose this? Do you think she wanted this?" Aragon moved back a little, "or does your 'bible' say it's okay to use women like that-"

"I'm going to abort it!" Anne spoke up,

"What?" The two said in unison.

"I'm going to abort the baby. It's not really mine but this doesn't mean I don't want to have kids." Anne glanced at Cathy and she smiled,

"If it's what you want." Cathy accepted and Aragon sat down with a huff.

"I'll call the hospital," Jane suggested. "I don't think we'll be going out today," she looked at Kitty, "can you and Anna go put on a film?" Kitty nodded and dragged Cleves out to the living room with a giggle! "Come join us when you're ready." Jane addressed the final 3.

Once Jane had left the air transformed into an uncomfortable silence. Cathy sat back down and wrapped an arm around Anne. Anne snuggled back into Cathy and when she hummed, Aragon suddenly realised. Cathy was going to propose to Anne. The two had bonded so strongly over their traumatic pasts to become this force of nature that's stronger than the universe. This combination of love and happiness that they found in each other is why they can get through this without a court case and will be able to put their pasts behind them, marry and have a family with children of their own that will bring them so much happiness and the cycle will carry on. They can get through this, who was Aragon to say they couldn't.

"I'm sorry." She said, "it's your choice and you two can overcome this, you've done it before." Aragon smiled at the queens, Anne whispered a small "thank you." and she left the two alone together.

#parrlyn #six the musical #six #anne boleyn #Catherine Parr #anne boleyn x catherin parr #six fanfiction #i cant pretend that its okay when its not

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karmalondon · 4 years ago

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#BlackLivesMatter

I'm calling some of you out, with all this madness going on, I wanna share whats on my mind.

I think around 90% of Turks/Turkish Cypriots are racist hypocrites.

Hear me out before you think its not you.

I grew up in Tottenham till i was 12, Now we all know Tottenham has a very large black community.

Why do we all know this?

Because its always been talked about in that way.

Anyway, my childhood was amazing i had alsorts of friends from different backgrounds at school, i loved it there, it was a place i was free to play with whoever i wanted, and i did, i don't have any memories of racism at primary school.

However i do have memories of my parents' friends (family even) saying stuff to my parents like "Why dont you move, you're surrounded by Blacks" followed by "Why dont you move somewhere with more English?"

My parents would answer them by saying our Black neighbours are nicer to us than the English are. They would say abd describe the English people they knew, as cold and only willing to see you and speak when they feel like it.

We're my parents being racist or just saying it how they saw and experienced it, im not sure,

but what i do know is i personally can't prove them wrong yet, dont get me wrong i love all my friends but if im gonna separate race, like its happening now, i have to agree, with my parents and say to this day my English friends have never been racist to me, but have always kept me at their convenient distance, sorry if you disagree but that is my feelings, how i feel.

Is it because they are racist? or just a general way of English life?

Or is it just the ones God puts on my path? (I have lots of questions) anyway im veering off here, going back to Turks being racist.

As a kid, I remember going on holiday to North Cyprus and making friends with some gypsies that lived across the road, i was told off for this by a lot of my Nans neighbours (you know the ones that came for coffee and woke you up every morning with their chatter and gossip), i was told not to play with them as they were gypsies and black, so that there was my 1st encounter i remember clearly with people not thinking like i did (so what if they were gypsies and black i was having fun with them), It gave me reasons to see these elders as stupid (now I'd say deeply uneducated), as at that time i had no idea what racism was, so i agree 100% when people say racism is taught. So anyway, naturally i had no respect for anything else that came out of their mouths and for this i was given the naughty rebel title from a very young age.

Moving on, we moved from Tottenham to Edmonton when my daddy got a job working for British Telecom, Not because of Black people, but because my parents now had a better income and the houses were nicer and there was more open green space for us to play, they thought they upgraded.

I start a new school and funny enough I'm in really new territory, i was 1 of only 4 turks in my class and i knew it, I felt the foreigner, but found my new friends were more keen to learn about our culture than to bully me or be nasty about it. But none the less i still felt foreign.

Later i made lots Greek Cypriot friends they just seemed to be so similar to us Turks and yet so different, but yet we all clicked and clicked well. I knew a little bit about the Cyprus war, but it wasn't really something that was spoken about in my family. As i was getting older and going out, going round friends houses, thats when i really began to here the stories of the Cyprus war, but it wasn't from my family no, it was my Greek friends parents telling me all about it, every single one i ever met had to bring up the story and educate me.

so now im a confused teen who thinks i got great friends, but every Greek parent still holds a mini grudge against Turks or just wont let go of the past.

It always felt like it was their way of letting me know i was privileged to be in their home. That may not be what they would say, but its how i felt.

Yet again i still wonder was it just the people in my life path? Or is this the Greek Cypriot way of life? Maybe like the English are stereotyped for conversations about the weather, that's just what the old Greek Cypriots do? I mean its still a history story told to tourists in South Cyprus to this day.

Obviously I've gone back home and questioned the stuff, done my own research too and come up with my own decision and that was that this is how deep racism still runs, Its such a small island with such a small population that couldn't (still aint) live in harmony with one another, who cares who had it 1st, (my conclusion is Dinosaurs btw) anyway the Bible says "Love thy neighbour" and one of the fundamental laws of the Quran is Oneness and Unity, so for such a religious island full of Churches, pictures of Mary's and Jesus Christ and Mosque's and with prayer read out loud on speakers 5 times a day and atheism at a low there, I think it's truly hypocritical racism on both parts isn't it?

Why do we live in harmony here but not there?

What made it all different just by crossing an ocean?

Or are we just faking it?

Coz it looks like harmony until one wants to marry the other, and the same again when it comes to the Black community. although this is slowly changing.

We all know finding true love and connection is very rare, every now and then a person blessed to meet and connect with someone on a deep level, someone who gets them, someone who presses all the right buttons in all the right places, someone who wants to be with them always and share a life together, when that happens you don't see that persons Colour, Race or Religion.

But take that relationship outside and all hell breaks loose, everyone has something to say about it, someway to feel about it.

Especially those who have been suffering in fear of loneliness in loveless marriages for years.

God help any Turkish girl that might fall in love with a Black or Greek man, 50% of them today would loose their family.

I have also seen many Turkish girls in multi racial relationships suffer and fail because of the family putting so much pressure of hate on the relationship,

When it does fail its usually because they lost their family support system, shut out in the cold by the ones that once said nobody loved them like they did, then being made to feel like they brought shame on the family. Being made to feel like they were a waste of time being raised.That kinda hurt changes people, its bad, but the guilty party dont accept and usually turn around and say "I told you so", hence enforcing their racist belief was true and so it continues.

I have also come across many Turkish males over the years and still to this day know of many who have many Black friends but would never touch a Turkish girl who has been in bed with a Black male!

Is this not hypocritical racism too?

But i guess it justified because we hear stories on the news of some other races that murder their daughters, to honor the family name, should they run off with a Black man, so i guess Turkish girls are lucky, aren't they?

Then we have the stupid racism against our own, us British Turkish Cypriots have always been treated differently when visiting Cyprus.

And a lot Turkey Turks that act like they're better than everyone. Always teasing the way we speak and always pointing out and saying something like "Ohh you're Cypriot"

Well yeah we speak different, you twat, its mixed in with greek because we used to live together.

Then they act like we still owe them gratitude for helping us get half of Cyprus (not all of you but a lot),

Well I think every Turkish household in North Cyprus has a picture of Ataturk in there home to this day.

The Turkish Cypriot government has even allowed mainland Turks to set up lots of hotels and casinos and brothels and created a safe haven for those with money running away from trials.

How much more gratitude do they want?

Especially as in my eyes all they really did was create a huge divide and caused unnecessary ongoing racism, where it once never existed, instead of helping achieve peace and harmony.

So if we are gonna end racism it starts with you.

Open your eyes every time you mention people by their Race or Religion or Colour?

Ask yourself was it really necessary?

Ask yourself why you think about people of different Race, Religion or Colour the way you do?

See your own racism 1st.

And finally I would like to add no Turk except the Black Turks has ever faced racism like Black People around the world have and still face.

It needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

I'm just having a rant based on my life experiences and this is only my opinion and does not include any real facts other than my personal encounters and experiences.

#blacklivesmatter #racsim #turkish #turks #just a rant #cyprus

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karenfordonte · 3 years ago

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omg dumb nightmare turned into best dream lol riri fixed it...yet again lol

fentybeauty posted that pic 4/18/22 see source at bottom for link

when posting this on tumblr on 4/23/22

i heard “karen” front door close “i’ll get her” (idk who’s voice that was)

Still editing this post/Rough Draft:

right before i went to sleep last night around 1 am cause i was laying down a while and couldnt sleep till after this part on the tv for a reason lol:

the tv said jesus wont go to jail it was christian music lol of a black choir like singing of a group and one of the lead singers? i wasnt really looking at it long but one singer looked like the mom in jays brokemas video but just the hair lol (im used to people doing me wrong lol so i was a little worried about what ifs lol then that song helped me)

youtube

i kept waking up like 4 or more times last night i caught myself rubbing my belly when i woke up 2 or 3 times im like uh .......... i was doing that in my sleep hope it aint a sign lol but im against abortion i always gave god the say when i get pregnant or not so yeah

written 7:23 am 4/21/2022 i had a dream nikko from christas house threatened to beat me up if i dont give him a cig for some reason lol and when i said no and wanted to tell people on fb he made a bunch of gun noises and i thought it was a real gun so i hid behind the dresser and door in my parents old house my little kid room and my cell phone wouldnt call 911 then roger from the board and care the staff guy he and raphael some of the good staff there already stopped him and roger showed me rihanna's wedding dress she designed for my surprise wedding with her it was amazing it had wording all on it cut out very intricate kinda like a snowflake but better so i think it was gonna go on top of a darker color cause the cut out word part was all white and the left boob is the only part i was allowed to read it said "karen" lol and im like roger are you sure thats for me from rihanna to double and tripple check and he was laughing and saying yes lol

and when i woke up her voice told me "i'll get you soon cause you're used to just putting up with other people's bs" lol + more its more than that but omg im hoping lol

(i woke up a bit earlier the sun was rising i smoked then when i layed down i was nauseous but didnt dry heave lol so yeah)

ps the first xaara dream the valentines day one = when we were jumping from hotel room to hotel room it was just us im like oh duh lol

cause sometimes when the voice would be tricky of bs lol i felt forced at times to share elante with other people not our whole soul but i had to put puzzle pieces together and not be like .....look... some people believe jesus is all womens husband i saw it on my mom's fb pic she posted a jesus bible or bom quote about he's their bridegroom or somethin lol but before i thought i must be a jesus in the way of im really nice etc and loving and meek etc yeah the voice lied and i was really naive and young lol i was 17 it told me why do you not wanna give everyone sex energy when it can help their bodies not feel pain etc i was too like oh uh ok cause what got me was im too caring about others discomforts but i put together more and more how to know which voice vibes to trust but im still careful but im getting more progress with it as i age lol alot more like even i tried to force me to do my cliche jesus me character during hard times but i just cant stay addicted to even that guy lol im too addicted to elantes so yeah lol id rather have my fave person in the whole world my elantes as my only romance partners my real twin flames lol they are extentions of rihanna's selves when in true form lol so yeah

i am mainly addicted to only rihanna and skisst the most though for now i go slow lol

it cheers me up the most in the day when i can sense them in different ways :)

Escape The Fate - Friends And Alibis

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ok so i made a task board for keeping a schedule to do lists every day , i keep a calendar for things like appointments, i keep keep notes for notes like shopping lists and things like what to remember to ask the dr lol but also budgetting, and keeping track of cigs i smoke a day there too cause im too lazy to pre roll them out and i wanna keep track to make sure i budget right and not smoke too much i wanna keep it under 13 for sure each day for now but yeah lol i think i can do it cause theres some creepy bugs out there lol and i wanna be more productive here anyways lol been callin insurance etc updating addresses and number settin up rides etc lol

youtube

riri song references funny ^ hints <3 im getting a short hair cut monday i want all the dyed parts gone lol i cant tell where that mark is but i'll ask lol but i want it very short anyways though lol i cant donate it cause it was dyed lol oh well its very healthy and thick now and the pony tail is around a ruler size and barely breaks when i brush it and no knots lol but i hate long hair care etc for me its too much of a hassle i love short 'boy' hair and not brushing it cause its short anyways lol and no heavy ass pony tail bs i dont like it in my face either lol etc since a kid so yeah

heard this one for the first time age 28 lol:

youtube

oh btw that song taught me how to spell tear right i thought tare was the shredding definition and tear = cry ohhhhhh lol tearing = ripping etc i thought tearing = crying only lol lmfao its cause my tara dream in the dream im like how do you spell it teara? she said tara so it took me till later to add teara as an aka cause she cries alot like me especially of being in love in focus so sweet felt etc yeah it hits me so great at times mmmm especially here lol i think i cried 3 different days here already of how much love i have for elantes but if i focus on them alot id do that all the time i can feel them enough for sure im already getting wet eyed and smiley again mmmmm lol they know me too good lmfao

i think halsey is a skisst :)

omg i just looked up her tattoos right after: (the arrow of the two mouths kissing exactly what kwins fb banner was back when she met me first but her banner was a photo of 2 lesbians one lip biting saying "i wanna do bad stuff with you" lol i tried to google that pic before i cant find it lol )

which is basically what halseys other tattoo means lol:

halsey's tattoos:

mmmmhmmm thats her all right

oh a white butterfly fly on me today lol

and today i saw two spiders two different times in this day but i was saved by denise then joe lmfao denise killed one for me it was kinda next to me some then the other one was on the arm of my chair later and i got up so fast i dropped my phone lmfao good thing obama phones can get dropped alot lol and not break at all but yeah lol then i told joe later i cant sit in my chair and why so he inspected it all in front of me now i can sit there yay im spoiled

i took a nap just woke up at 6:47 pm man elantes are so hot lol i love when they soul sex = certain kind of love buzzes from gods to wake me up lol and then the tv said "when i woke up i saw the sun" that one song lol

oh oh it was this part my bad lol lol: "I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign" when i was little i always thought sign sad sun instead lmfao mmmmm Ace of Base - The Sign (Official Music Video)

i admit donte 'sleeps' a ton still but they woke me up right before my body took a nap they word stuff alot for me but know exactly how i am im a nicest sweetest innocent baby cliche only lol yes when they told me what happened before my nap i had to be emotional and roah had to take over then i slept lol

they mentioned this song to me: the "i dont even know how to hold it" - Atmosphere - Always Coming Back Home To You, to relate to that this morning dream with nikko:

Atmosphere - Always Coming Back Home to You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WBee_bmGu4

in that dream like he had a machine gun and right when he was about to shoot me my darn phone wasnt working i was saved by raphael and roger lol (that dream morphed some of my life together when i was being chased by nikko when he was just gonna punch me at first i thought (i always was pretty generous with my cigs at times) it reminded me of being that young age of when i had that room it was that wildomar mobile home house i grew up in age 5 till age 16 or 17 we moved but my dad used to scare me alot just for his fun and chase me i hated that shit i would cry and scream and when nikko pukes he sounds exactly like my dad when he pukes every time

Atmosphere - The Woman With The Tattooed Hands https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-9nbwHQPKA

i had morning sickness only today again i ate breakfast and lunch a bit late to make sure my stomach was ready i do that in the mornings sometimes lol i got with feeling but i had a busy day with making sure my todo list was all checked off and so ima make sure i eat dinner cause im getting hungry again but a hole isnt 'puckered' anymore its able to open on its own now i noticed but still needed some help so i opened another laxitive package lol thats number 5 i wanted a break on the weekend from using them for different reasons till today but im sure ill be able to go easier probably tonight lol its still hard in there it was stuck lol so i thought one more is necessary so yeah

9:18 pm man wtf the butthole got swollen shut again i was so close it was normal then wtf happened man idk atleast i have a primary dr visit soon i googled if its a side effect of peg3350 laxitive i cant find anything so weird man

i didnt notice it was like 'glued' shut i used to call it till the end of being at christas house but i dont check it all the time so i just noticed the swollen non flat effect here

i know sometimes christa had chicken thawing out 4 days straight sometimes when mark wanted fast food in a row suprising her she never put it back in the freezer and sometimes it stank but she just said all she has to do is wash it in the sink and the heat when cooking kills the bacteria even though when she had the bag of raw chicken in the sink that whole time closed yeah but it still stank alot so she said she knew what she was doing so i trusted her but i dont wanna think about what ifs but i hope im ok

the poop is finally soft i had to manually take it out again yes washed hands and antibacterial hand sanitizer

but other than that its like still only a tiny bit in there im just gonna wait to try to go again till after i see the dr lol

when i got the endoscopy at first christa said i dont have to go if i dont want to but on the day of my appointment she told me i am going and she made us all breakfast though (she rarely makes breakfast or lunch we usually have to make those 2 meals ourselves)

im like wait after i ate just a piece of toast and she made me coffee im like im supposed to fast

and she still took me to go

she was honest with them that i ate that morning and so was i

they said ok we'll try to attempt it

but the anethesia usually doesnt hurt me but that one did really bad

but it knocked me out fast at least

after i got my diagnosis slow digestion the nurse said my digestion was probably marked slow because i ate a bit in the morning but

it seems hella slow though still

she said she got endoscopy before i mean come on

that stomach dr place was GI-Excellence in hemet

i dont think its utis i think it might be stomach infections then

cause on fb one of my last posts talked about a new wiping a certain way before peeing in cup technique not let it drip down the butt hole technique is barely any white blood cells so she said maybe infection maybe not

i think its stomach bacteria that was triggering the false utis most of the time

but its like why am i antibiotic resistant to alot that easily before cause she

possibly gave me fake antibiotics in my bottle

idk how many times per different type but

i know that cipro wasnt the right one based on the net

chicken was my least fave meal at that house but sometimes she made me eat it

even though nikko would never cook the fried chicken right always bloody he said he didnt know how to read their temp thing when it says chicken not a temp lol and most of the time she made nikko make the chicken dinners anyways but one time when it stank she had me help her cut the bones like snap it etc but i never knew how before but ew

they used a square cooker for chicken that wasnt fried and that one was never bloody chicken but um

christa told me drs call you if results are serious

my old phone would mark even when off who called

this new one dont but i set up my voice mail just in case

the endoscopy took a biopsy for suspected possible h. pylori but never called me so i wasnt concerned

and so i never went to the follow up visit

it says salmonella causes diareah so it would explain maybe possibly putting that in my food (her imodium)

cause im incotinent especially with diareah and pee . not really solid poop

the anti diareah pills she gave me her own prescription bottle of imodium but it doesnt match online pill descriptions but she was right 300 was the quantity on the lable she says she gets those all the time she had extra bottles in her room i only had diareah there 5 different times

most was when i first got to her house

the last 2 times was when i had sepsis those two times

since ive been incotinent it was hard so many times to pee in the cup i couldnt find the stream most of the time

but heavenly mother possessed me last time i went to urgent care showed me how to wipe and stand a bit lean forward and pee she was like "i'll show you how" alot of times the nurses dont remember to give me the wipe too so i know to ask every time now

i mean christa had an iphone and her screen used to be cracked but not no more cause those 3 times she told me to google how she can get rid of stuck painful gas her net on her phone wasnt working and i didnt feel like standing long anyways so i was like good i dont have to that was after i posted about my constipated contractions i called it cause it hurt so bad twice shes usually always watching videos on her phone she says she pays for data on her phone and at the time the wifi was working for those 3 times she asked me to do that

atleast i feel way better than being at her house though cause no nausea for whole days mainly only in the mornings thats it i had like only 4 days here of sick the first day, the second day i think, and those two times i slept most of the day all the other days morning sickness only but had one day off i think free from nausea i think that was day 3 possibly

i mean she told me in the beggining her friend used to work at kfc and they fed people green chicken they kept in barrels and used to cook the bacteria off and the green color out but she said thats why she dont like kfc but later she still bought us kfc when mark paid for it

i never liked the chicken in the square thing when nikko cooked it cause the skin felt too weird like raw like or chewy idk how to explain it but the inside was cooked but never seasoned right i need sauce for that shit to down it but often i just gave mine to someone else cause i dont crave chicken as a main dinner most of the time and it was im more of a red meat fan the most or good sea food like crab or shrimp or clam chowder or certain kind of oysters lol or bbq pork lol or good ham i told her i dont really like chicken that much since i was a kid but yeah lol i only like chicken with sauce or friend crunchy lol

they tried to feed blu their dog raw chicken at times but he never ate it till they cooked it they said

ugh i dont wanna think about that place right now bye

midnight: i tried going to sleep but

Rihanna - Stay ft. Mikky Ekko https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs

i think i gotta shave my whole head lol i bought new soap and a new brush but my hair tie isnt washed but i hate long hair ugh some reason its still itchy usually not this much at this house still isnt as bad as the last house but ima throw away my old soaps and old brush oooo heavenly mother is putting god medicine on it lol cool it has a sudden anti itch cool refreshing effect soothing lol she told me i dont wanna know what made my scalp basically bleed the red hair dye and make my hair fall for that whole month out till i switched not using christas she gave me but like 2 boxes of different brands of hair dye etc doesnt sound like pro hair cutter she said she went to hair and make up school

lol one time there was a homeless man and a random lady look through our trash seperatley seperate days christa told me

so yeah fbi been on them

cause one time the dog control inspector guy in uniform came over to investigate if our dogs are housed good or not based on a complaint from someone anonymous but christa blamed it on her only neighboor marry cause she hates dogs barks sounds so much christa said she payed to have her dogs voice box removed but mary yelled towards the end when i was in the smoke room cause thats close to marys back yard she yelled "karen you are not harry potter" but its the same angry tone of voice she yells at her grandkids christa said those kids are in her back yard at sometimes i saw them jump on a trampoline too from the sun room before and heard them at times before from there but christa said she wanted to get back at mary by calling cps on her to get her gran kids taken away to get back at her

if mary is in on what christa was doing to me basically then she didnt call those dog inspectors lol they mustve been so paranoid in that case

one time christa said she took a key to a strangers car in front of us when he wasnt around cause that car was too slow im like oh....it was at ricks store with the milk sign on the front where she buys her mangoritas every day the parkinglot

then towards the end christa told me she wanted to get back at her surgeon by me giving her bed bugs i capture for her to realease them in i thought she was gonna say her surgeons office name but she said dr balu's office surprisingly im like uhm i have been putting them in a hand sanitizer bottle theyve been in liquid lol theyre dead lol it was true but im like i dont do shady evil shit you know

#Christa's Room and Board #Jane's Room and Board #Nicco's Board and Care

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stilinski-jpeg · 7 years ago

Text

The Preacher’s Daughter: Part 2

Author: @stilinski-jpeg

A/N: I’m sorry this took so long to post, there was a second there that I wasn't sure if I was going to go forward with this series, but I am and here’s part two. I really own @minhosmeanhoe for keeping my motivated and pushing me, she’s my soulmate and I love her. I was going to wait for her to post this, but I know you all have been hungry for some Mitch so I’ll post mine now and Camile will post hers later. Also, the rest of the series is going to be in the readers POV.

Warnings: Cursing, Smut (NSFW 18+).

Word count: 6,085

Parts: 1

I was warm when I woke up, my phone buzzing violently at me from somewhere unknown. I hadn’t remembered falling asleep, the after effects of the alcohol from the night making my brain fuzzy. I cracked my eyes open a sliver, only to see a white wall in front of me. ‘Where am I?’ I thought as I tried to get my eyes to open further. The morning seeped into the room through the windows, trying desperately to wake me up. My phone buzzed again, but I still couldn’t tell where the noise was coming from. ‘Where am I?’ I said again in my head, trying to remind myself of any memory from last night. A groan sounded next me, followed by an arm enclosing around my waist and pulling me in towards a warm body, was what finally woke me. I felt a layer of stubble, scrape across the upper part of my back as the stranger nestled into me. I became increasingly aware of my naked body as I willed my mind to bring back something of the previous night.

My phone buzzed again and I lifted my head to see where it was coming from. Looking around, I could tell I was in a hotel room. Although nice, the room was small with a dresser topped with a TV down by the foot of the bed. There was a table and chairs in the corner of the room, big enough for two people to sit at comfortably. Near the front door was another door that I could only assume lead to the bathroom. The entire place was scattered with clothing, bringing back subtle memories of the guy's hotel room I’d stumbled into last night.

I wiggled out of his grip before sliding to the edge of the bed and sitting up. I rubbed my temples as I finally regained some more recollection of the night before. His face flashed across my mind and I smiled. He was tall, lean, and a bit brooding and I remembered him arguing otherwise. His smile was beautiful, although I could tell he didn't use it often. He watched as Camile and I danced, his eyes beautiful even from a distance. I wasn’t a stranger to men staring at me, it's what I lived for, but he was different.

When she suggested we go get another drink, I didn’t fight Camile. She knew the bartender very well, so well he would serve us drinks even though he knew we were underaged. Our fake ID’s also helped with that. He liked to call us the troublesome twosome, because we were always doing something we shouldn't be. Like drinking at bars and catching the eyes of men without any regard to the fact that they were thinking dirty things about us. That was the whole point though wasn’t it? The danger of it all? I wasn’t always so chaotic, not up until recently.

The thing is, I grew up painfully religious. My mother and father met at a church that my dad was a deacon at. They fell in love, got married, and soon after my father became the Pastor of the very same church they met in. Not too long after, my mother had me in the same church. It wasn’t purposeful, I don't think, she just happened to go into labour and couldn't make it to the hospital in time. So there I was born at the altar of the Lord. Ever since then, my parents drilled religion into me. Constantly telling me about how it was by God’s grace that I was born at the altar and I was destined to be a servant to the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, I was honored they thought so highly of me. I was a good kid, anytime the church was open I was there, I sang in the choir, helped out in the nursery. But the more my dad preached about the sins of the world and how unholy they were, the more I was intrigued by them.

When I was sixteen, I talked Camile into going to a party that some college boy had invited us too. I’d met him at the mall and lied to him when he asked me how old I was. Camile was my conscience, telling me how much trouble we’d both be in if we were caught. I could only agree with her, but I kept thinking about all the things I’d miss out on if I didn’t go to this party. So the night of, we told my parents goodnight and went off to bed only to sneak out of my window thirty minutes later.

The party was a rager, boys bellowing and drunk and girls flirting with any boy that’d give them attention. The music was loud, the drinks flowing, and the atmosphere electrifying. I had my first drink at that party, knocking back six shots in a row like a pro and still able to ward off any guy getting a little too handsy. It was also when any boy looked at me with /that/ look, you know the one. Their eyes are dark and sinful, their mouths salivating at the sight of your body spinning and twisting to the music. The obvious bulge protruding from their pants. All signs of pure unadulterated lust, and I was addicted immediately.

From then on, I craved to be looked at that way all the time. But being the Preacher’s daughter and daddy’s little girl didn’t always provide an opportunity to get laid. Couple that with the modest clothing and the sweet girl act, and I as doomed to a life as a nun before I even had a chance. Which is why Camile and I got fake ID’s and started clubbing on weekends. This however was the first time I’d ever gone home with someone, well technically. I’d fucked in cars, made out in back alley ways, gave blowjobs in bathrooms, but I hadn’t actually ever gone home with someone.

I glanced over my shoulder at the guy, his name was lost on me and I wasn't even sure he'd ever told me. He looked so different as he slept, his features softer. I swivelled around to plant a kiss delicately in his cheek. He stirred but otherwise didn't move as I permanently removed myself from the bed and began collecting my clothes from the floor until I heard my phone buzzing again. I followed the sound to my red dress and lifted it to find my phone with a picture of my best friend flashing across the screen. I picked it up, pressing the large green accept button before hauling it up to my ear.

“Hello.” I whispered as I found my other black heel and attempted to redress myself.

“Where the hell are you?” Camile’s voice screeched out from the other side of the line. I swiveled my head over to the bed making sure the sleeping man hadn’t been woken by my best friend’s voice.

“I’m… actually I have no clue where I’m at.” I said in a hushed voice, trying to zip up my dress and hold my phone with my ear with my shoulder at the same time.

“Well, are you okay?” She questioned, her tone filled with worry.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had too much to drink and can’t remember the name of the hotel.” I had wedged on my shoe and was on my way to the door, when I realized I wasn’t wearing my earrings.

“Good, because when I get my hands on you - I’m going to kill you.” She spat.

I rolled my eyes at my best friend, knowing she couldn't see me. She was the worrier and no matter how many times I told her worrying turned your hair gray, she still did it. I spotted my earrings on the bedside table and rushed over to them. “Will you just come and get me, I still have to change for church.”

“You’re lucky I love you enough to have grabbed you a change of clothes before we left your house last night.” She said as if she had done me the biggest favor in the world. Which she undoubtedly had.

“Thank you, now hurry your ass up.” I hissed, walking purposefully towards the door and exiting it, making sure not to wake up guy’s name I didn't know. I hung up with Camile, promising I would send her my location when I did. As I waited from my best friend outside of the hotel. I let the memories of last night roam my brain. The feeling of his lips on mine was so prominent still, like they were embedded there forever. In all the nights I’d spent with random guys, something about this one was different. Something about how his touch made me nervous or the way he stared into my eyes made me blush, giving me a feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Before I could give anymore thought to it, Camile pulled up in her car. I could see her scowl even through the tinted windows, but I choose to ignore it as I plopped into the car.

“The only way you’ll make this up to me is if you tell me every single detail.” She said seriously, before pressing on the gas and speeding off.

When my father preached, it was beautiful. It was like he was reciting his own words and not the words of the Bible. It always had the power to make me momentarily rethink my sinful choices. That is until he started spouting off words about the women in the bars only dressing so as to entice the men there, getting drunk off the devil’s water and committing acts only wedded couples should. At some point, I hated my father telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I hated how I couldn’t read a current book or watch a current movie because there was kissing in it. I hadn’t even seen The Notebook up until a few months ago.

The service dragged on and my head was practically throbbing from the loud music and voices booming over the speakers. I was relieved when my father stood from his spot next to my mother and announced the picnic, him and my mother had worked tirelessly to put together. Indicating church was over and I could go outside, drink a lot of water and soaking up all the vitamin D I could. We stood next to him when everyone was dismissed, shaking hands and giving hugs to the congregation before they excused themselves to the festivities outside. As the last few people exited, walking up the aisle way I spotted one of my fathers old family friends, Stan Hurley. My face lit up instantly as I rushed over to him.

“Stan!” I half yelled, as I embraced him into a hug. He hugged back tenderly, lifting me off the ground slightly and making me feel like I was a little girl again. When he finally put me down, I smiled up at him. He was like an uncle to me, often showing up unexpectedly and bringing me treasures from all his worldly adventures. I was far too old from such childish things now, but there was a part of me that still hoped that dear old Stan had brought me something.

“I got this one from Istanbul.” His rough voice spoke, pulling a small golden box out of his pocket and handing it to me. My eyes twinkled as I looked up at him with childlike wonder. I took the box out of his hand, opening it delicately. A beautiful necklace with a blue stone dangling from it sparkled up at me. My mouth dropped open and I tried smiling through my amazement.

“Oh Stan! You spoil her!” My father laughed from behind me as he walked up to greet his old friend.

“Someone’s got to.” He teased back as him and my father collided in a huge hug. I could hear the loud back slapping through my daze as I assessed my new treasure. Their laughter came a second later until a question interrupted my thoughts.

“And who is this?”

I had barely notice the person lying in the wake of Stan, but I could only make out his long sleeve black shirt and dirty jeans from where I stood. I knew my dad was mentally shaking his head at the attire of person hidden behind his old friend. Stan rolled his eyes, turning to make the person behind him visible.

“I was hoping he’d go unnoticed,” Stan practically groaned. “But this is Mitch Rapp, my partner.”

I instantly dropped everything in my hands when my eyes finally gazed upon the person Stan was talking about. He looked completely out of place, standing in the middle of a church dressed like he’d just come from a biker club. His eyes were only on me, an unreadable expression on his face. I gulped, frozen in place, not knowing what I should do. Run? Hide? Did he even remember me? Was the way his eyes raked over my body just my wishful imagination taking over.

“Sweetie, are you going to pick that up?” My mother’s voice brought me back. It was then that I noticed everyone's eyes on me. I could feel my face redden as I bent down to pick up the box and necklace. The rest of my family proceeded to greet Stan’s friend as I stood back, my mouth still hanging open slightly. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t the same guy, that I was just being paranoid. Which I very rarely was, but for the uncanny resemblance to the guy I was just in bed with three hours ago, gave me every right to be.

“This is my daughter.” My father introduced me, spreading his arm out and coaxing me forward. I smiled sweetly, walking as slowly as I could without seeming suspicious until I was standing before him. This was definitely the guy from the club and the hotel room. He had the same brooding expression he had on his face last night and for some reason that made me smile.

“Nice to meet you - Mr.Rapp, was it?” I asked, extending my hand for him to take. He cocked his brow at the sight of my smile, but shook my hand anyways.

“Just Mitch.” He answered, the warmth of his hands spreading into my body. The familiar feeling I got when he looked at me returned, his honey colored eyes melting me without even trying. It was something I wasn’t used to. I recoiled my hand quickly, turning to look at anything but him. Even though I could still feel his eyes on me.

“Mark, If it’s okay with Nancy, I have to talk to you about something privately.” Stan said, slapping his old friend on the shoulder.

Both men looked over at my mother for approval and she laughed, her smile lines ever apparent, nodding before ushering herself and my brother out to the lawn where the picnic was being held. When I looked back at my father, him and Stan were already walking away toward his office leaving Mitch and I alone. We stood there awkwardly with each other before it became too much and I thought I better take my leave.

“I better go see if my mom -”

“You look different in white.” He cut me off, a rye smile on his face.

I blushed, looking down at my pure white dress. “Everything’s the same underneath.”

“I can only imagine.” He chuckled slightly. Despite the lighthearted conversation, the awkwardness still loomed in the room.

“Well, like I said I should go see if my mom needs any help.” I said shyly, fiddling tirelessly with the box still in my hand.

I wasn’t normally this nervous around guys, literally ever. But this guy had the ability to ruin the saintly reputation my parents had of me. He was a living, walking, breathing example of my sins. Not to mention he looked at me with those same bedroom eyes he looked at me with last night. It made me squirm in a way I wasn't used to squirming. He only nodded in reply and I turned to leave when a thought came to me.

“Can you not tell my parents about last night? Like any part of it?” I asked, turning back to face him.

“What do you think I’m going to say, ‘Oh hey, I fucked your daughter senselly last night. Please continue with your sermon’?” He teased, but I didn’t laugh. I felt like a child asking her babysitter not to tell her daddy that she broke the vase.

“We’re in a church.” I said, tisking him for cursing in God’s house.

He looked cautiously at the ceiling like God would send down a bolt of lightning to smite him any second. I laughed at him and smiled before attempting to leave once again.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were eighteen?” My stomach lurched at the question. I wasn't sure how I was suppose to answer, or what his intention was concerning the question.

“Why does it matter, I’m legal. It’s not like you committed a crime.”

“Expect for buying alcohol for minors.”

“I’m not a minor, I’m just not suppose to drink.”

“Still illegal.”

I smirked, wondering if that’s what was really bothering him or if it was the fact that I left this morning without saying goodbye. He had that brooding expression still on his face again and I took a daring step closer to him filling the gap that was between us only leaving inches of room.

“Well next time, I’ll be sure to let you in all my secrets.”

“I think I know them all by now.” He said in a hushed voice, looking curiously over my face.

“I might have a few more up my sleeve.”

I watched as his adam’s apple bobbed and his eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips rapidly. He began to lean in like a make out session was about to happen right there in the middle of the pews, but I leaned in slightly before flashing a quick smile up at him and pulling away, finally exiting the slightly less awkward but more so sexual tension filled room.

I sucked in a huge breath once outside, letting my lungs fill with fresh air before exhaling the sin I was breathing in by just being near Mitch. I knew when I woke up that morning I wanted to see him again, but I never imagined seeing him this soon and here. My mother spotted me and rushed over to me with her fake smile she only wore when something was happening and she didn't want anyone else to know.

“There you are!” She said through her smile. “I need you to play host while I go help Brother John refill the lemonade pitchers.”

“Okay Mom! I’m on it.” I reassured her as she bustled away from me. I shook my head after her, wondering how refilling the lemonade pitchers was a crisis. I started my rounds to the group of tables, saying hi to everyone and making friendly conversation. I had just made it to the table where all the elder ladies of the church could be found. They were the ones that sewed and knitted and their idea of a crazy night was playing Phase 10 until nine instead of eight thirty. Suddenly, they all burst into laughter which was strange for them and when I was close enough, I saw Mitch sitting between Mrs. Meyers and Ms. Sheldon. He wasn’t laughing nearly as hard as the rest of them, his eyes catching me as soon as I was in sight. I eyed him skeptically, subconsciously thinking he was telling them about our escapades last night.

“Hello Ladies, gentleman.” I said in my sweet preacher’s daughter’s voice. “I see you all made a new friend.”

“Oh yes, Mitch here is such a charmer.” Mrs. Henderson said, taking my hand and squeezing it.

“Well thank you Ethel, you’re too kind.”

I had to try really hard not to let my mouth fall open for the second time that day. Mrs. Henderson never let anyone under the age of 45 call her by her first name. Yet Mitch was spouting it off like it was her only she had. I wasn't sure why, but it irritated me that these old hens thought he was so great. It made me wonder what he had told them about himself. Because I, admittedly, knew nothing.

“I’m sure he gets all the ladies from — hmm, where is it that you said you were from again?” I challenged. Mitch open his mouth to talk when he was cut off.

“Oh, don’t pry dear. You’ll scare him off.” Ms. Sheldon said, her eyes fixed lovingly at him.

I rolled my eyes as Mitch soaked up all the attention he was getting, taking that as my queue to walk away. It was clear I could do nothing to tarnish the spotless reputation he'd built with them in such a short time. Just as I did, I heard Mrs. Henderson say something far too loud to be a whisper. “The girl is such a prude. She’s not worth your time, son.”

I looked over my shoulder at the group that had already forgotten my existence, glaring. Mitch was looking at me like he hadn’t taken his eyes off me even after I’d walked away. He was smirking, something dark crossing his face for the faintest of seconds. “I don’t know ladies, anyone can have a dark side.”

“Oh, not her. Her dark side is when she doesn't pray before bed.” The gaggle of ladies all cackled. I frowned, wishing the the older women could know the real me, the secret me. Something like rage boiled up inside me and I stormed back to the table, circling it until I reached Mitch.

“I need to talk to you.” I hissed, grabbing his by his bicep and pulling him up to a standing position. He tried to say something, but I ripped him away before he could.

“Woah kitten, slow down.” He chuckled, but I snapped my head back at him warding him off. Those old hens wanted a dark side, they were about to get one. I lugged him over to the side of the picnic where no one could hear us talk before releasing my grip on him.

“What the hel - ” I stopped for a second, looking up at the cross on the church and remembering where I was. “heck, was that?”

I folded my arms over one another, my eyes burning a hole into his brain. I could tell that I wasn’t the least bit intimidating by the smirk on his face, but I didn’t falter on my anger. There was no way I was letting his charm wear me down.

“I was just making friends.”

“Oh, really? Seemed like you had ulterior motives.”

“I’m the one with ulterior motives?” He asked presumptuously.

I understood what he was talking about, but I chose to ignore it. He was trying to get under my skin and exposing me wouldn’t work. I simply smirked back at him, biting lightly on my bottom lip.

“All my motives are pure.”

“As pure as your virginity.” He retorted, chuckling softly when I squirmed. I was losing and he knew it. I could feel my cheeks growing redder as silence set between us. I couldn't think of a witty enough comeback to counteract what he has just said.

“Love bug,” My mom chimed, adding to the embarrassment I was already feeling. She was about a yard away waving frantically at me for my attention. I smiled awkwardly at her and she finally ascended upon Mitch and I.

“There you are, dear. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I need you to go and get the boxes that are in the backseat of my car.” She dangled her keys in front of me with a sweet smile. I smiled back weakly, taking them from her. I started walking away when my mother spoke again, causing me to stop and look back.

“Do you mind helping her?” She asked Mitch with the same sweet smile. “With your help, I know the two of you will dominate this.”

She gave him a small squeeze of the shoulder before someone called her name and she was off without getting an answer from Mitch. He watched her leave and when she was out of earshot, he looked back to me his devious smirk returning. “Dominate, huh?”

He arched an eyebrow and I rolled my eyes before I walked away. Swallowing the annoying lump in my throat and ignoring the wetness forming between my legs. He trailed after me as I lead the way to my mom’s car, the whole time trying to ward off the memories from last night that kept surfacing in my brain. My body buzzed as I remember the way he whispered ‘kitten’ into my ear as he pounded into me, cumming almost instantly. I knew this was not the place to be recalling those things, but I couldn't stop it. This man was different from any I’d ever met before, he had the ability to break me and that scared me.

The parking lot for the church was across the street, the church being so old and never building it’s own parking area. I got to the edge of the road and crossed the street without even checking if Mitch was behind me. The more distance I could put between us, the better. I weaved in and out of the parking slots until I spotted my mom’s white Jetta Volvo. I clicked the unlock button on the key fob and a small chirp indicated the command was successful. Pulling open the driver’s passenger side door, I slipped my head inside to assess how many boxes I would be lugging. To my relief, there were only two. Making me think that I didn't really need the help after all. A second later, the opposite door opened and Mitch’s face appeared. I huffed in frustration, grabbing the box out of the car roughly and ultimately causing some of the contents to fall back into the car. I groaned aloud, again in frustration, that nothing seemed to be going my way today. I dropped the box on the ground and climbed into the car, searching the seat for what had fallen. Mitch had already pulled himself and his box out of the car, but popped his head back in to check on me.

“Want some help?” He asked, placing his box on the ground.

“It would help me if you weren’t here.” I snapped, reaching under the seat and feeling around for any objects.

“That’s not what you were saying last night.”

“Can you, just like, stop for two freaking seconds? God, we fucked last night, I get it. You don’t have to keep reminding me of it.” I hissed, glaring as he inserted himself in the car too.

“I haven’t said anything about us fucking, gorgeous.” He had that stupid smirk on his face again and his eyes were glowing as he looked into mine. I could feel myself slipping and I knew how easy it would be to just give in to him.

“Yes, you did.” I pointed out, but I know he knew. He knew I couldn’t get last night out of my mind. He knew that I wanted to reenact a few of the things we practiced last night.

“Why are you even here, Mitch?” I asked, out of sexual frustration.

“I’m helping you with boxes.”

“No. Why are you /here/? You could be eating the free food or socializing with old ladies. Yet here you are, helping me with boxes. Why?” I challenge, genuinely curious of his answer. He seemed to think about his answer, but it didn't take him long to respond.

“I’m here for the same reason you are, kitten.” He said, his voice an octave deeper. His eyes had suddenly turned dark, lust taking them over completely. I knew he was right. I could have told him to get lost at any moment, or ignored his very existence but I couldn't hide from the truth. I wanted him here, I wanted him around me, I wanted him.

I didn’t hesitate before I lunged toward him, grabbing his face and pulling it towards my own. Inserting my tongue into his mouth, right away, as we both climbed into the car. He didn’t let my dominance last for too long before his tongue was the focal point of the kiss. It collided with my own, swirling around and over it while his hands went to my waist pulling me closer to him. It was incredible how easily the same carnal need for him pooled at the surface, making me throw everything good I knew out of the window.

“Close the door.” I said into our kiss and we both pulled apart to shut our doors only to be pulled back together again. I weaved my fingers into his hair and hoisted myself up as I climbed on top of him. His hands moved to my thighs, sliding up and down them and every time scooting my dress up higher and higher up on my waist. Our lips stayed connected as I blindly fumbled with his belt and jeans, trying to undo them quickly. I was eager for him to fill me again, my core ached for it. I got stuck on his zipper and I pulled out of this kiss to focus on my task.

“You were quicker at this last night.” He teased, as he finally slid his hands up high enough to reveal my ass. He kneaded and squeezed it before landing a smack on it. I jumped, letting a small moan slip from my lips. Still I continued to mishandle his pants, trying my hardest to free his cock.

“Do you want my help?” He asked, smacking my ass again. I hissed, letting the harsh sting fester until it turned into a pleasurable burn. I looked at him with seduction in my demeanor, finally undoing his button and zipper in one quick motion. I reached into his pants, pulling out his hard swollen cock. I could feel my mouth water at the sight of it. Precum glistened from his tip, begging to be licked clean.

“Come throat daddy’s cock, kitten.” He rasped, landing another blow to my backside.

Somehow the blow gave me a surge of confidence and I brought my hand up to his mouth, covering it. “I need you to stop talking.”

With my other hand, I position his erection so I could easily slide down on it. We both sighed when my slick walls encompassed his hard member. I clenched around him, easily remembering the feeling of him inside me. The feeling of him stretching me felt so perfect and I finally began sliding myself up and down on him, never moving my hand from his mouth. As my pace quickened, the car was filled with groans and muffled moans. I could feel the car rocking as I grinded against him. His hands remained on my ass, smacking every now and again to coax me on. I looked down at him and he was watching me, watching how much I was enjoying riding him. The intense look in his eyes as I slammed down on his lap and rose back up was rejuvenating. I knew I would cum easily like this, I felt in charge as if I had all the power. He muttered something into my hand and I removed it, allowing him to speak for the first time in minutes.

“I think I’m going to cum.” He growled, using my ass to guide me along his cock.

“Already?” I teased, clenching around him.

He sighed, not even trying to bite back. I got the sense that this was something that was new for him, not being in charge. From the looks of it, he was enjoying it. What he didn’t know, is me being in control of everything turned me on even more. I was used to being dominated, but the tables were turned and it was a whole new experience.

“You can’t cum until I do.” I breathed, kissing him softly on the lips.

“Fuck, I don't know if I can.”

“You’ll have to try.” I said, quickening my movements. I could feel trails of fire, coursing through my bloodstream and pooling in my abdomen - cumming wouldn't be hard for me. The very atmosphere between us mixed with the utter lust painted on Mitch’s face was enough to make me orgasm, but add in the car fucking, the way he was looking at me like I was the sexiest thing he had ever seen, and the last good smack on the ass and I was thankful we were in a car where I could scream without being heard. My walls tightened around him, my legs growing weaker as I came mercilessly around his cock.

“Oh shit.” He grunted, before pulling me up off his dick, cum shooting out of his slit and covering his shirt. He stroked himself, finishing himself off while I leaned back awkwardly trying to reach the napkins my mom kept in her center console. His head was resting against the seat, sweat dotted over his forehead when I turned back around. I climbed off of him and he lifted his head suddenly. I smiled, before tossing the napkins in his lap and scooting out of the car. There was an attempt at a protest of me getting out that was silenced upon shutting my door. I pulled my dress back down properly before resuming with the task that brought me to the car in the first place.

I was halfway back to the picnic when I saw Mitch emerging from my mom’s car. I giggled to myself before walking a little faster to ensure he wouldn't catch up. My dad and Stan were exiting the church through the front doors just as I was passing them and they stopped me.

“Hey Lovebug,” My dad smiled, pulling me into a side hug as I cringed at the pet name that I wished my parents would forget.

“Hi dad. Hi Stan.” They both smiled but seemed less than involved with talking to me as they both surveyed the guests at the picnic.

“Love, you haven’t seen Mitch by chance have you?” My dad asked.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hold back the smile that was so close to being let out. “You know, I think I saw him cleaning up around here somewhere.”

“Hmph.” My dad sighed, “I guess we’ll just have to tell him later.” The words weren’t directed at me, but Stan who nodded at him agreeingly.

“Tell him what, daddy?” I said, knowing full well that cozying up to him would get him to tell me anything he wouldn't normally.

“Stan and Mitch are going to be staying with us for a few weeks.” He said without faltering, because it wasn’t a secret.

My stomach fell to my ass as I tried to process the news. I thought that Mitch being there that day was a one off. That it was God’s way at saying my slutty ways would catch up to me one day. That I would just have to get through that day and I would never have to see Mitch Rapp ever again. But he was now following me home, where it was going to be hard to pretend that the past sixteen hours didn’t happen. As Mitch came into view, carrying his box,I bid farewell to my dad and Stan so I could bring the box I was still holding to my mom. As I walked, I knew what we had between us couldn't continue. There was no way I could keep up my good girl act with Mitch living down the hall from me. So as I set the box down next to my mom and began to unload it, I promised myself that no matter what — I would not fuck Mitch Rapp.

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mikegomez73-blog · 5 years ago

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Sacred Memoir & Beginnings By: Michael A. Gomez

DECEMBER 1994: IT WAS JUST DAYS AWAY FROM MY TWENTYFIRST BIRTHDAY, WHEN I HAD HEARD THE SONG,”HOW GREAT THOU ART”, AS IF, FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE SPIRIT OF GOD HAD EMBRACED ME, AND I HAD BEEN OVERCOME BY THE GLORIOUS PRESENCE OF THE LORD, UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAD EXPERIENCED BEFORE THAT DAY. 1 -WINTER OF 1995 BY MID WINTER OF 95′,MY UNCLE ROBERT EDGAR HAD PASSED AWAY. HE WAS MY MOTHERS HALF BROTHER.IT IS WITH HIS PASSING THAT I BEGAN TO ANALIZE THE PURPOSE OF LIFE AND THE MEANING OF DEATH. AT THE WAKE IN THE GLOOM AND DESPAIR OF THE FUNERAL PARLOR, MY UNCLE ROBIN WAS HANDING OUT SALVATION TRACTS, TO THE MEMBERS OF OUR BROKEN FAMILY. TO AUNTS, UNCLES, NIECES, NEPHEWS, COUSINS, AND FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY, WHO ALL CAME TOGETHER TO THIS SOMBER FINAL PASSAGE. IT WAS THAT VERY TRACT THAT UNCLE ROBIN GAVE ME THAT CULMINATED MY JOURNEY,LEADING TO MY SALVATION ON THAT WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 19TH, 1995. THE TRACT WAS BASICALLY DESCRIBING WHAT IS CALLED “THE ROMANS ROAD” AND I WAS ON IT LIKE PAUL ON THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS AND JESUS SAVED ME. I REPENTED AND CONFESSED MY SINS AT THE CROSS OF JESUS CHRIST WHERE HIS BLOOD WAS SHED FOR THE PAYMENT OF MY SINS AND I WAS FORGIVEN FOREVER. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD, I BEGAN TO SENSE THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD, HE WAS GUIDING ME WITH EVERY PASSING DAY, WORKING SOMETHING MIRACULOUS INSIDE, AND I COULDN’T RESIST HIM. IN FACT, I HAD AN INSATIABLY INCESSANT NEED FOR THIS NEW FOUND SOURCE OF LOVE, I HAD NEVER KNOWN. A PEACE,I HAD NEVER FELT, AND A HOPE, I NEVER HAD. MUCH OF THE ANSWERS THAT WOULD COME TO ME WOULD DERIVE FROM MY NEW FOUND FAITH. THE BIBLE ITSELF BECAME MYGUIDE AND TEACHER, AND MY MOM NOTICED MY AVID INTEREST IN ABSORBING ITS MESSAGE, SEEING ME READ IT EVERYDAY, AND ASKING ME, IF I WAS GOING TO BECOME A PRIEST? I SOON BEGAN ATTENDING SUNDAY MASS AT ST. BENEDICTS. WHERE I HAD STUDIED CATECHISM AND GRADUATED FROM EIGTH GRADE. SPEAKING OF WHICH,AFTER GRADUATING, I HAD ENROLLED INTO EAST SIDE HIGH, A PUBLIC SCHOOL IN NEWARK, JUST ACROSS THE STREET FROM INDEPENDENCE PARK. MY ONLY CONCERN DURING MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS WAS EVIDENT,AS I CARRIED AROUND A SPORTS PAGE WITH ME FROM CLASS TO CLASS, BEING WELL INFORMED BY INCESSANT DIURNAL UPDATES, CHECKING TO SEE THE SCORES IN LAST NIGHTS GAMES OR HOW MANY POINTS DID JORDAN SCORE, AND DID STRAW HIT ANY HOMERS? AS FAR AS FAITH & ACADEMIC SKILLS, I WAS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THESE FACTORS AND THEIR RELEVANCE TO LIFE AND ONES FUTURE. I GUESS I WAS LIKE MOST KIDS MY AGE IN THAT SENSE, BUT I NEVER HAD A MOMENT OF URGENCY, IN WHICH, I FELT COMPELLED TO TAKE GOD OR EDUCATION SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH, LITTLE DID I KNOW OF GODS PLAN TO RAISE ME UP OUT OF THE ASHES OF SIN & SPIRITUAL DEATH,TRANSFORMING ME INTO A NEW CREATURE IN JESUS CHRIST WHO IS GROWING IN KNOWLEDGE,AND WISDOM AND IN SPIRIT EVERY BLESSED DAY. SITTING IN THAT PEW AGAIN, AFTER NEARLY AN EIGHT YEAR HIATUS, I REMEMBERED THINKING ABOUT THE HYMNS I USED TO SING, WHEN MY NOTE WAS DROWNED OUT BY THE CACOPHONY OF VOICES THAT SANG IN UNISON. WITH ALL THE CHILDREN REPEATING THE REFRAIN OF “PEACE IS FLOWING LIKE A RIVER”, BRINGING A HEARTFELT SMILE TO THEIR CREATOR, WHO HAD SHONE HIS GLORIOUS FACE UPON THEM. NOW HOWEVER, IT FELT DIFFERENT, THERE WAS A GENUINE AFFIRMATION FOR ME THIS TIME, AND I FELT IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE, UNLIKE WHEN I WAS A CHILD I SANG BECAUSE I THOUGHT ITS WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO, BUT NOW I WAS A YOUNG MAN AND I SANG, BECAUSE IT WAS THE SONG IN MY HEART, AND UNDOUBTABLY GOD WAS SMILING AGAIN, BECAUSE HE MISSED ME, AND HE WAS GLAD TO SEE ME HOME. WHILE MUSIC HAS ITS PROFOUND WAYS OF TOUCHING THE HEART, THE WRITTEN WORD HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO EXPRESS THE VICISSITUDES ON THE HIGHWAYS AND THE LOW ROADS OF LIFE, WHICH HAS BEEN A TWO WAY STREET TO SELF DISCOVERY,GOOD AND BAD THROUGH ITS PERIL AND PLEASURE, FINDING OUR TRUE IDENTITY UNDERNEATH THIS SKIN, UNEARTHING THE MYSTERIES THAT LIE BELOW THE COARSE PLAIN OF MERE FLESH, INTO DEEPER COMPLEX MATTERS OF THE SPIRIT, AND TO DISMISS ONES OWN PERSONALLY & PUBLICLY IMPOSED CARICATURE THAT PALES IN COMPARISON TO OUR TRUE IDENTITY IN JESUS CHRIST, AS GODS CHILDREN.WHICH IS WHY IM WRITING THIS MEMOIR TO SHARE A LIFE TIME TESTIMONY WITH YOU HOW JESUS CHANGED ME AND MY LIFE AND ALL TO THE PRAISE AND GLORY OF HIS NAME.THANK YOU JESUS. 2 *1997 THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH, FAITH BASED ON THE BIBLE, UPBRINGING, & THE EFFECTS OF TIME* EVEN AS I FOLLOWED MY HEART AND STARTED ATTENDING A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH IN THE WINTER OF 97, MY MOTHER ATTEMPTED TO DISSUADE ME FROM GOING A DIFFERENT PATH THAN ROMAN CATHOLICISM. MY REASONS FOR THE CHANGE WAS THAT I SAW DRAMATIC VARIANCES BETWEEN THE TWO.ONE OF THE DIFFERENCES WAS CONFESSION TO A PRIEST TO OBTAIN FORGIVENESS, WHICH IS UNBIBLICAL ACCORDING TO NEW TESTAMENT STANDARDS.ANOTHER WAS PRAYING THE ROSARY TO MARY AND PRAYING TO THE SAINTS, WHICH IS ALSO UNBIBLICAL ACCORDING TO NEW TESTAMENT STANDARDS.THIRDLY, ANOTHER GREAT CONTRAST WAS THE SERVICE AND WORSHIP. CATHOLICISM IS A BIT LETHARGIC AND LIFELESS IN ITS SABBATH PRACTICES, WHILE A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH IS LESS CONSTRICTING, WHERE EXHUBERANT SINGING AND DANCING IS EXPRESSED WORSHIPPING IN A MULTITUDE OF WAYS, AND THE TRANSMITTING OF THE MESSAGE IS PASSIONATELY CONVEYED IN AN ARRAY OF STYLES, FROM CHARISMATIC TO ELOQUENCE. SO THE CHANGE OF RELIGION WAS ACCURATELY BASED ON BIBLICAL NEW TESTAMENT TRUTHS THAT I FELT WERE NOT BEING UPHELD BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. MY MOTHER DOES BELIEVE IN GOD AND SHE LOVES HER FAMILY WITH A RELIGIOUS DEVOTION. MY MOTHER WORKED HARD WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR THOSE SHE LOVES, WHICH IN A SENSE, WAS A GODLY QUALITY IN AND OF ITSELF. AND I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH. MY FATHER HAS HIS STRENGTHS, SOME OF WHICH WAS HIS LOVE AND PROVISION FOR HIS FAMILY,MY FATHER DID WHATEVER IT TOOK TO TAKE CARE OF US WITH HARD WORK. I LOVE MY FATHER VERY MUCH. HE IS AN EASY GOING MAN, WHO IS HAPPY TO BE WITH HIS FAMILY. HE BELIEVES IN GOD AND LOVES MY MOTHER VERY MUCH AND COME 2018 THEY WILL BE MARRIED 50 YEARS. I REMEMBER AS A CHILD, GROWING UP HAVING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER WITH BOTH OF MY PARENTS & MY BROTHER JOE, WHERE BONDS OF CLOSENESS HAD FORMED, BUT THE MARCH OF TIME WORE ON IN ITS INDISCRIMINATE STAMPEDE OF CHANGE, AND THE TRIALS OF LIFE HOLD TO ITS HEARTBREAKING VERDICTS, AND THE SOMETIMES OMINOUS JOURNEY DOES SEEM TO ISSUE UNIVERSAL INJUNCTIONS UPON US. A KIND OF COSMOLOGICAL IMPOSITION THAT STANDS IN OUR WAY, TRYING TO BREAK OUR KINDRED SPIRITS WITH ITS OWN SEEMING PRECLUSIONS,BUT I AM HOPEFUL THAT THE GOD OF LOVE AND RECONCILIATION WILL HEAL THE WOUNDS WE ALL HAVE SUFFERED, AND TO BIND ON EARTH THAT WHICH IS BOUND IN HEAVEN.THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT HAD HELPED ME KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER, I BELIEVED. AND SO I HOLD TO THESE FOR LOVE AND REDEMPTION. I LOVE MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER VERY MUCH, I KNOW THEY HAD SACRIFICED MUCH OF THEIR LIFE FOR MY SAKE AND PROVIDED AND CARED FOR MY BROTHER AND I. AS I THINK BACK IN RETROSPECT, I REMEMBER THE BLOOD, THE SWEAT, AND THE TEARS THAT THEY SHED DURING THE TRYING PROCESS OF RAISING TWO CHILDREN, WHO MERELY STAYED OUT OF TROUBLE,AND GOT DECENT GRADES TO GET THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. 3 -A WORK IN PROGRESS- I HAD BEEN SAVED IN THAT WINTER OF 95’. BUT WHILE THERE WERE A SLEW OF PERSONAL CHANGES FOR THE BETTER, THERE WAS MUCH THAT REMAINED THE SAME LIKE MY HABIT FOR PORN. IN CONTRAST OF THIS I BECAME MORE AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS IN WHICH I LIVED.LIKE THE HOMELESS MEN WHO FREQUENTED THE NEIGHBORHOOD PANHANDLING JUST OUTSIDE THE STORE THAT I HAD WORKED. THERE WAS ONE MAN WHO CAME BY THE GARBAGE AREA AROUND THE SIDE BY RECEIVING, I NOTICED HIM LOOKING THROUGH THE DUMPSTER FOR SOMETHING TO EAT AND BROUGHT A SANDWHICH OUT TO HIM AND HE UNABASHEDLY ACCEPTED MY OFFER. ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS I GAVE HIM SOME MONEY, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WOULD NEVER SUFFICE HIS DEBT OF SUCH DAMNING DESTITUTION. I REMEMBER ONE DAY I WAS SPEAKING WITH HIM OUT BY THE GARBAGE DUMPSTER; I HAD SAID “JESUS LOVES YOU” AND HE RESPONDED WITH” I HOPE SO.” EVEN NOW I THINK ABOUT THAT DAY AND HIS RESPONSE, BUT NOT IN DOUBT OVER WHAT HE SAID, RATHER I QUESTION WHAT I HAD SAID AND THE INTANGIBILITY OF WHAT I SAID TO HIM AND THE REALITY OF HIS LIFE.DID HE FEEL GODS LOVE THE WAY I HAD EXPERIENCED IT? WAS MINE A HALLUCINATION, A FALSE HOPE WRAPPED UP IN ANCIENT MYTH THAT IS OUTDATED? HAVING DREAMS OF A NEW LIFE, A FRESH START,OR WAS IT A REPRESSION OF FEAR TO QUELL THE NEED OF HAVING TO FACE THE TRUTH AND INSTEAD LIVING A LIE THAT ONLY BROUGHT ON MORE DISCONTENT,RATHER THAN FINDING TRUE INNER PEACE. MAYBE I SAW MYSELF IN THE NAMELESS PANHANDLER AND WAS CONVICTED WITH MY OWN GUILT BELIEVING HIS POVERTY WAS DUE TO MY NEGLECT OR AT LEAST DUE TO MY INCAPACITY. STILL AT THAT TIME I BELIEVED WITH CONVICTION AND MOVED FORTH IN FAITH HOLDING TO CHRISTIANITIES MANDATE OF AGAPE LOVE. A SELFGIVING LOVE THAT JESUS MODELED.AN EXAMPLE IN PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF GODS LOVE AND JUST HOW JESUS GAVE HIS LIFE FOR US WE SHOULD LIKEWISE HELP OUR FELLOW MAN IN NEED. HE BECAME POOR SO WE MIGHT BECOME RICH SPIRITUALLY. HE WAS IMPOVERISHED SO WE WOULD ABIDE IN THE ABUNDANCE OF HIS PROVISION IN THE MAJESTIC ROOMS AND HALLS OF GODS KINGDOM. I STILL HOLD TO THESE BELIEFS, BUT I GUESS IT’S WHEN I TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HIM IS WHEN I SINK INTO THE WATER AND SPLASH AROUND IN FAITHLESS DESPERATION. THERE WAS ANOTHER HOMELESS MAN, WITH WHOM I HAD ESTABLISHED A FRIENDSHIP. WHO AT FIRST, PANHANDLED IN THE AREA, UNTIL THE OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT ACROSS THE STREET; FROM WHERE I WORKED, HAD HIRED ANTHONY TO BE A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME WORKING THERE THAT WE WOULD ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK, AFTER MY SHIFT AT WORK. SOME OF THE CASUAL DISCOURSE THAT WE AIRED OUT ON THOSE WARM SUMMER DAYS, SPOKE OF WHAT ETERNAL LIFE MEANS AND WHILE HE SHARED HIS VIEW BY EXPLAINING,” IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUR MEMORIES OF THE INDIVIDUAL AND WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THE LEGACY OF THE PERSON, THAT THE SPIRIT OF THE DECEASED IS RESURRECTED.” I DIDN’T NECESSARILY AGREE WITH HIM BUT I LISTENED IN SILENCE, AND GAVE HIM A SMALL NEW TESTAMENT BIBLE. HE APPRECIATED THE GIFT AND WE CONTINUED TO BOND. ONE NIGHT WE HAD STOPPED IN ONE OF THE LOCAL STRIPBARS HAD A FEW DRINKS AND CHECKED OUT THE TOPLESS DANCER ,WATCHING HER DROWNED OUT THE PAIN & LONELINESS FOR ANTHONY & MYSELF. IT WAS A SINFUL MOMENT OF ENTICING PLEASURE THAT HE AND I BOTH ENJOYED. BUT THIS WAS ONLY FOR THE MOMENT. IT WAS SUCH A FLEETING JOY, AND LATER I DROPPED ANTHONY OFF AT HIS RELATIVES HOUSE IN THE PROJECTS NOT FAR FROM THE OLD HAYES POOL. IN THOSE MONTHS, I HAD SHARED A DREAM OF MINE WITH HIM. I REMEMBER TELLING HIM I WANTED TO START SOME SORT OF RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION CALLED, SOLDIERS FOR CHRIST.I RECALL HIS WORDS IN RESPONSE TO MINE SAYING,” IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT, NOTHING CAN STAND IN YOUR WAY.” I THINK BACK ON WHAT I SAID AND WONDER HAD I REALLY MEANT IT, I THOUGHT I BELIEVED IT AT THAT TIME, BUT NOW I HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT IT BEING TRUE AND I JUST SAID IT WITHOUT HAVING A SOLID MENTAL FOUNDATION TO BUILD UPON THAT DREAM AND SO LIKE PAPER WEIGHT DEBRIS MY EMPTY WORDS WERE BLOWN AWAY IN THE WIND. THERE WAS NO ROOT, ONLY A SEED THAT WAS NEVER PLANTED AND A MOMENT THAT WAS NOT SEIZED. SOMETIME DURING THE SUMMER OF 98 ANTHONY HAD COME INTO THE STORE WHERE I WORKED LOOKING FOR ME. BECAUSE HE NEEDED MONEY TO PAY A COURT FINE OF SOME SORT.HE TOLD ME IF HE DIDN’T PAY IT HE WOULD WIND UP IN JAIL, BUT I HAD TOLD HIM IT WAS TOO MUCH MONEY, THAT I COULDN’T AFFORD TO GIVE HIM A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO SAY THE LEAST HE WAS DISAPPOINTED. I KNOW HE BELIEVED I WAS GOING TO COME THROUGH IN HIS TIME OF NEED, BUT ON THE OTHER OCASSIONS, IN WHICH I GAVE HIM MONEY, IT WAS A MERE PITTANCE,MAYBE TEN DOLLARS, MAYBE TWENTY. WHEN HE LEFT ME I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS PRESENT AND I KNEW HE WITNESSED WHAT HAD JUST TRANSPIRED, BUT I SHOOK IT OFF AND IT DIDN’T HIT ME TILL LATER. A FLOOD OF THOUGHTS PANGS OF GUILT, VISIONS OF ANTHONY IN A CELL BECAUSE I FAILED TO HELP A FRIEND IN NEED. I STILL THINK ABOUT ANTHONY, NEARLY TEN YEARS LATER AND I WONDER WHERE HE IS NOW, AND IF HE IS EVEN ALIVE.I HOPE HE IS ALIVE SOMEWHERE AND HAPPY. I HOPE GODS LOVE FILLS HIS HEART,I HOPE IF HE REMEMBERS ME AT ALL THAT HE’LL REMEMBER HOW I SAW HIM AS A CHILD OF GOD AND A HUMAN BEING WHO DESERVES ANOTHER CHANCE REGARDLESS OF THEIR PAST OR PRESENT MISTAKES. 4 *1995-1998* I HAD MET ANA IN SEPTEMBER OF 1995 THAT’S WHEN SHE WAS HIRED AT THE STORE WHERE I WAS EMPLOYED. I WAS TOO SLOW TO ACT IN BEFRIENDING HER, TOO SHY TO BE SO BOLD AND APPROACH HER. SO AT MY OWN PACE, I WORKED ON GETTING TO KNOW HER, NOT WITHOUT MUCH FRUSTRATION THOUGH. I REMEMBER FIGHTING WITH MYSELF OVER A LACK OF CONFIDENCE AND COURAGE. MY FONDNESS OF HER BORDERED BETWEEN OBSESSION AND FANTASY.SWINGING LIKE A PENDULUM, MY EMOTIONS TICKED LIKE A TIME BOMB THAT COUNTED ITS FINAL SECONDS WITH THE INSATIABLE LONGING,TO BE HER MAN,TO BE HER LOVER, TO BE HER HUSBAND. I CARRIED THESE FEELINGS FOR HER FOR THREE YEARS AND DURING THAT TIME FINALLY MADE MY FEELINGS KNOWN.THOUGH WHEN I DID SHE ONLY HURT MY FEELINGS WHEN SHE ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF FUTURE WOULD WE HAVE? AND IN 1998 I TRIED TO SHOW HER HOW SERIOUS I WAS BY ENROLLING INTO A TRADE SCHOOL, BUT AS THE END OF THE FIRST SEMESTER DREW TO A CLOSE, I HAD MADE A TRUTHFUL CONFESSION TO MYSELF. THAT I HAD NO CLUE AS TO WHAT I WAS BEING TAUGHT. I COULD HARDLY EXPLAIN CURRENT FLOW AND FELT BURDENED BY THE COUNTLESS FORMULAS NECESSARY TO PROVE THE EQUATION MATHMATICALLY. THE LINE BETWEEN THE CLASSROOM AND THE FIELD BECAME BLURRED, AND I LOST MY NERVE TO CONTINUE, AND COULD NOT RISK FAILING, WHILE PAYING TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS AND THAT WAS THE ONLY EQUATION THAT I UNDERSTOOD. OF COURSE, WHAT IF I HAD PUSHED ON, MOVED FORWARD AND DIDN’T THROW UP MY HANDS IN SUBMISSION. MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT OUTCOME, AND MAYBE ANA WOULD HAVE COME AROUND TO MY COURTING ATTEMPTS, EVENTUALLY WINNING HER HAND. INSTEAD, AFTER I QUIT RETS INSTITUTE, WE WERE SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER. I MEAN, IT WASN’T EXACTLY WHAT I HAD HOPED FOR,BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST I WAS HANGING OUT WITH HER, YOU KNOW, IT FELT GOOD AND EXCITING LIKE THERE WAS A CHANCE THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS ONE DAY. SHE HAD BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE KEARNY LOCATION AND I STAYED IN NEWARK. BUT WE STILL KEPT IN TOUCH CALLING EACHOTHER FROM WORK, AND HER VOICE WOULD DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART TELLING ME NO, WHILE HER STEALTHY SELFISH MOTIVES WOULD NEARLY LURE ME INTO HER TRAP. AFTER GIVING ME FALSE HOPE ON THOSE HOT SUMMERS DAY WHEN SHE PUT HER ARMS AROUND ME FROM BEHIND, SHE HAD ME BELIEVING THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY BETWEEN US. BUT SHE WOULD BURST THAT BUBBLE WHEN SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER, MERELY, FOR IMMIGRATION PAPERS. I DROVE HER HOME FROM WORK NEARLY ON A DAILY BASIS AND WE EVEN WENT OUT TO THE MOVIES AND NEAR THE END OF OUR PECULIAR FRIENDSHIP, WE WENT TO GREAT ADVENTURE. ON THE DAY OF THE GREAT ADVENTURE TRIP JULY 4TH WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF ALL THE HOPES THAT I HAD HAD. ALL THE FANTASIES THAT WOULD EVAPORATE INTO THIN AIR RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. WHERE MY BEST FRIEND CHUCK MET ANA THAT DAY AND WOULD FORM A DATING RELATIONSHIP THAT EVOLVED OVER TIME INTO THE CONSUMMATION OF MARRIAGE JUST TWO YEARS LATER. AS I LOOK BACK IN RETROSPECT, I COULD SEE HOW WE WERE BOTH WRONG. I WAS WRONG IN MY ABSURDITY, IN WHICH I SOUGHT TO ANTE UP AND PUSH THE HAND OF DESTINY IN MY FAVOR, INSTEAD OF UNDERSTANDING THE HAND OF FATE AND HOW WE JUST WERE NOT MEANT TO BE. AND ANA WAS WRONG IN HER PROPOSAL TO ME, TO MARRY HER JUST FOR IMMIGRATION PAPERS.SHE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HER AND NO ONE WOULD EVER AGREE TO SUCH AN OFFER KNOWING THEY WOULD ONLY END UP HURT IN THE END. NOT TO MENTION HOW IT HURT ME TO KNOW SHE DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME AS I DID ABOUT HER. IN THE FINAL WEEKS OF MY TENURE WHERE I HAD WORKED, FOR NEARLY SEVEN YEARS, OUR FRIENDSHIP THAT HAD BRIEFLY PEAKED WOULD QUICKLY COLLAPSE. AS I FOUND OUT ABOUT ANA AND CHUCKS RELATIONSHIP, LEAVING A MESSAGE ON CHUCKS PHONE SAYING THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER AND I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN. I ABRUPTLY QUIT MY JOB ON ONE WEEKS NOTICE, WHERE I STILL HAD NOT RECEIVED THE PAY INCREASE PROMISED TO ME FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO. I HAD APPLIED AT A MATTRESS COMPANY THE SAME DAY I QUIT IN ECKERT AND WAS HIRED.I ONLY WORKED THERE FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE THEY LET ME GO. AND FOR ALMOST A MONTH I COLLECTED UNEMPLOYMENT BEFORE MY FORTUNES WOULD CHANGE, AFTER MUCH COAXING FROM MY MOTHER TO APPLY AT FORTUNOFF. I FINALLY DID AND WAS CALLED IN FOR AN INTERVIEW AND WAS HIRED. 5 -WORKING @ FORTUNOFF- IT WAS RIGHT AROUND HALLOWEEN TIME IN THE FALL OF 98’ WHEN I STARTED MY NEW JOB AFTER ALL OF THE EVENTS THAT HAD TAKEN PLACE.IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED, A CHANGE OF ATMOSPHERE, A NEW PLACE WITH FOREIGN FACES, A NEW WORLD FULL OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES AND A SMORGASBORD OF POTENTIAL FRIENDSHIPS. MY FIRST FRIEND I WOULD MAKE AT FORTUNOFF WAS ERWIN TEJANO. AND IT WOULD BE THROUGH ERWIN THAT I WOULD HAVE MY FIRST ENCOUNTERS WITH THE FILIPINO CULTURE AND COMMUNITY. DURING THE SHORT TENURE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, I HAD TAGGED ALONG TO MANY OF THE PARTIES IN THE FILIPINO COMMUNITY THAT HE WAS INVITED TO. AND IT WAS DURING THIS PERIOD THAT I BECAME FRIENDS WITH CELESTE AND JOLINA, TWO FILIPINAS WHO ALSO WORKED AT FORTUNOFF. ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS ALL OF US WENT OUT TO CLUBS, POOLHALLS, AND PARTIES. 6 -LOOKING FOR MY PRINCESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES- IN THE SPRING OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR ERWIN INTRODUCED ME TO A YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL FILIPINO GIRL, MICHELLE BRAGOLI, WHO HAPPENED TO BE LIVING HALF WAY ACROSS THE GLOBE IN CEBU, PHILIPPINES. WE BEGAN CHATTING OVER THE INTERNET, SENDING INSTANT MESSAGES TO EACH OTHER, GOING FOR HOURS UNTIL THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN. IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG THOUGH BEFORE I STARTED CALLING HER, BUYING TEN DOLLAR PHONE CARDS ALMOST EVERY OTHER DAY. MICHELLE HAD SENT ME NUMEROUS PICTURES, WHICH I DO NOT HAVE ANYMORE. SOLO SHOTS, PICTURES WITH HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS, EVEN A HOMEMADE VIDEO OF HER HANGING OUT WITH ERWIN, HANNAH AND HAZEL IN CEBU DURING ERWINS SUMMER VACATION. WHEN HE HAD RETURNED FROM P.I. HE GAVE ME THE VIDEO AND OTHER SOUVENIRS THAT HE AND MICHELLE WANTED ME TO HAVE. DURING ERWINS VACATION JOLINA AND I HUNG OUT A BIT. AS WE WENT OUT TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER A COUPLE OF TIMES.WE SAW THE MUMMY AND THE MATRIX AND I REMEMBER WANTING TO MAKE AN ADVANCE TOWARDS HER, BUT MY COURAGE FAILED ME AND SO, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER CASE OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. KEEP IN MIND THOUGH,I WAS IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH MICHELLE,WHO I NEVER MET IN PERSON. CELESTE WAS ANOTHER FILIPINA I WAS FRIENDS WITH SHE WAS TALL AND THIN WITH LONG LEGS AND SHE WOULD WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS THAT LEFT VERY LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION. I REMEMBER MY ATTRACTION TO HER, WHICH WAS MORE SEXUAL THAN ROMANTIC AND HOW SHE WOULD LATER DISCOVER THIS THROUGH ERWIN, WHO HAD TOLD HER OF MY FONDNESS FOR HER.WHICH HAD EVENTUALLY LEAD TO HER PROPOSITIONING ME,ONE WINTER NIGHT IN 2001 AT JOEYS CLUB IN CLIFTON. BUT I IGNORED THIS PROPOSAL,BY ACTING AS IF I DIDNT HEAR HER AND TURNED THE CONVERSATION IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. NOW I WONDER IF I HAD ONLY SHIED AWAY FROM HER BECAUSE, I WAS TURNED OFF BY SUCH AGGRESSION OR WAS IT DUE TO MY OWN RELIGIOUS INCLINATIONS THAT GAVE ME THE IMPULSE TO RETRACT OUT OF REVERENCE AND OBEDIENCE TO GOD OR COULD IT HAVE BEEN DUE TO MY ENGAGEMENT TO A YOUNG LADY NAMED CLARISSA, WHO WAS WORKING IN NORWAY. 7 *ENGAGEMENT & MARRIAGE* I WAS INTRODUCED TO MY WIFE BY A FELLOW COWORKER, HER BROTHER IN LAW, LEO BAUSA. SHE WAS WORKING FOR THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN MICHIGAN. WE HAD SPOKEN A NUMBER OF TIMES OVER THE PHONE, STARTING IN AROUND MID SEPTEMBER OF 99′ AND IN OCTOBER, ON THE WEEKEND OF THE FIFTEENTH SHE CAME TO NEW JERSEY TO MEET IN PERSON. IN THAT TWO DAY ENCOUNTER THINGS WENT QUITE WELL AND WE BOTH KNEW FOR SURE THAT WE WOULD BE SEEING EACHOTHER AGAIN SOON.THOUGH THINGS HAD CHANGED AND SHE WENT BACK TO NORWAY TO WORK FOR THE EMBASSY THERE AND WE HAD TO PUT OFF SEEING EACHOTHER TIL EARLY 2000. SO OUR NEXT TIME AND PLACE TO BE TOGETHER WOULD BE TO GO TO HER HOME COUNTRY IN THE PHILIPPINES.ON THIS TRIP I HAD MET MY INLAWS TO BE. AND ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS BEING TREATED WITH SUCH HOSPITALITY AND SUCH A WELCOMING THAT I FELT I HAD FOUND A BIT OF HEAVEN HERE ON EARTH CERTAINLY I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE IT BACK HERE IN JERSEY,MAYBE IN VERY SMALL DOSES.BUT I REMEMBER FEELING LIKE A KING IN PARADISE. I ALSO REMEMBER THE ATTENTION I GOT WHEREEVER I WENT,I FELT LIKE A CELEBRITY.EVERYONE WOULD LOOK AT ME LIKE IT WAS THE SECOND COMING. THIS HAD BEEN MY FIRST TIME TRAVELING ANYWHERE OUT OF THE US.NOT TO MENTION CLARISSA AND I HAD GONE IN FEBRUARY SO I WOULD GLADLY MISS 2 AND A HALF WEEKS OF WINTER. LATER ON IN 2000, I WOULD VISIT CLARISSA WHERE SHE WORKED AT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN OSLO, NORWAY. I WOULD ALSO PROPOSE TO HER THERE ON THURSDAY, AUGUST 17TH. 8 -2001:WHAT A YEAR- MY WIFE AND I MARRIED ON APRIL 19TH 2001. A DAY I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND CHERISH.I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE CONTENTMENT AND PEACE IN MY LIFE. CLARISSA IS A GIFT FROM GOD. SINCE OUR UNION,THERE HAS BEEN MUCH LEARNED ABOUT HER, WHICH HAS ONLY LED ME TO APPRECIATE HER EVEN MORE WITH EVERY PASSING DAY.HER LOVE AND HER CARE FOR ME IS SIMILAR TO GODS INFINITE LOVE. HER FORGIVENESS FOR MY MISTAKES AND SHORTCOMINGS IS NOTHING SHORT OF GODLINESS. SURE EVERY COUPLE HAS THEIR OWN CHALLENGES,TESTS AND TRIALS,BUT GOD HAS BROUGHT US OUT BETTER AND STRONGER THAN WE WERE BEFORE. GODS GRACE HAS BEEN THE DIFFERENCE IN OUR LIVES AND THE REASON WHY OUR LOVE REMAINS TO BE A LIVING TESTAMENT TO OTHERS AROUND US TODAY. I WOULD LIKE TO PICK UP IN 2001.WHEN MY WIFE TO BE CAME IN TO VISIT ME AROUND THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR FOR A WEEK. AT THIS TIME THE PETITION TO BRING HER HERE AND MARRY HER, HAD BEEN FILED SINCE OCTOBER OF 2000. IT WAS BY MID FEBRUARY 2001 THAT WE WERE INFORMED OF THE DATE THAT SHE WOULD FINALLY COME TO AMERICA. ON MARCH 30TH, WHAT AN AWESOME DAY, I COULD NOT WAIT FOR IT TO COME. YET IT CAME, IT SEEMED AN ETERNITY TO DO SO.BUT SHE IS WELL WORTH THE WAIT. AND NOW, IT IS FOR ETERNITY WITH THE CONSUMMATION OF OUR LOVE THROUGH THE SACRED BIND OF FAITH AND GODS LOVE THAT UNITES US IN THE SAME SPIRIT. IN THE SAME YEAR, MY GRAND FATHER JOSEPH GOMEZ WOULD PASS AWAY ON JUNE 1st, AND MY MOTHER LOST HER JOB THAT SUMMER, WHICH LED TO HER SELLING HER DREAM HOME THAT SHE LOVED SO, AND THE TRAGEDY OF 9/11 THAT SHOOK OUR NATION, CHANGING OUR WORLD, AND THE BIRTH OF MY FIRST NEPHEW FROM MY FAMILIES SIDE, MY BROTHER JOES SON, MATTHEW ON SEPTEMBER 26TH. THE PAIN AND HEARTACHE MY MOTHER AND FATHER ENDURED FROM LOSING HER JOB AND THEIR HOME, AND THE TERROR OF 9/11 WERE FOLLOWED BY THE BIRTH OF MATTHEW. A NAME WHICH MEANS (GIFT OF GOD) WAS BEAUTIFULLY AND PERFECTLY TIMED AND ORDAINED BY GOD. AT SUCH A TIME AND OUT OF SUCH DESPAIR WOULD COME SUCH A BLESSING. WHO CAN EXPLAIN THE HEARTBREAK AND THE AGONY OF LIFE SOMETIMES EXCEPT THAT EVIL IS REAL AND MISFORTUNE IS ALSO REAL BUT SO IS THE LORDS BLESSING AND THE LORDS FAVOR. EVEN WITH SOME OF THE PAINFUL AND TRAGIC EVENTS THAT TRANSPIRED IN 2001, THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. WHY? BECAUSE, I MARRIED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, AND ALSO FOR THE BIRTH OF MY NEPHEW MATTHEW. I ALSO HAVE COUNTLESS NEPHEWS AND NIECES IN THE PHILIPPINES THROUGH MY INLAWS. WOW! BLESSED INDEED!. 9 -2002-2005:THE PASSING OF MY IN-LAWS, FAMILY MATTERS, LIFE GOES ON- AS MY WIFE AND I SET OUT ON OUR OWN MOVING INTO AN APARTMENT, IM SAD TO SAY THAT MORE GRIEF WOULD COME IN 2002. WHEN MY MOTHER IN LAW WOULD PASS AWAY. THIS WAS HARD FOR MY WIFE AND EVEN HARDER,BECAUSE OF THE MILES THAT SEPARATED HER FROM OUR FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES. IT WAS NOT A HOP,SKIP, AND A JUMP AWAY. NEVERTHELESS, WE MADE THE SOMBER JOURNEY TO BE THERE FOR THE WAKE AND THE FUNERAL. OVER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS I ADMIT MY SELFISHNESS IN REGARDS TO MY WIFES FINANCIAL CONCERNS AND PROVISIONS FOR THE FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES. I HAD DISPUTED WITH HER OVER THIS ISSUE BECAUSE I FELT IT WAS TOUGH JUST TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN NEVER MIND SUPPORTING EVERYONE ELSE THERE. I WAS SELFISH IN MY ATTITUDE AND FAILED TO SEE IT OR REFUSED TO.THIS LED TO A NUMBER OF DISPUTES ABOUT MONEY AND FINACIAL ISSUES. BUT IN REALITY, I THINK ALOT OF COUPLES HAVE DISAGREEMENTS ABOUT MONEY IN MOST RELATIONSHIPS. ITS NOT EASY TODAY,BUT GOD IS GOOD AND HIS ABUNDANCE OF SUPPLY HAS NO LACK. THIS PERIOD WAS FROM 2002-2006. SINCE THEN I HAVE CHANGED MY WAYS OF THINKING AND ACTUALLY ENJOY THE FACT THAT IM HELPING OTHER PEOPLE, PARTICULARLY FAMILY. IN 2003 WE BOUGHT A NEW CAR,A HONDA CIVIC LX. BUT I MADE A MISTAKE AND LOOKED AT CARS WITHOUT MY WIFE AND INCLUDED MY FAMILY TO HELP ME WITHOUT HER. IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL ON MY PART. I JUST DID NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING. AND FAILED TO REMEMBER A PROMISE I MADE TO HER ABOUT GOING OUT AND LOOKING AT CARS TOGETHER. THIS MISTAKE CAUSED SOME TENSION AND DISPUTES AND SURELY I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. IN 2004, MY WIFE WAS LET GO FROM HER JOB AND UNEMPLOYED FOR 2 MONTHS UNTIL JC PENNEY HIRED HER ON JUNE 29TH. THIS SAME YEAR,MY NEPHEW JOSEPH WAS BORN ON SEPTEMBER 28TH. DURING THIS YEAR I TOOK UP WRITING THROUGH 2007. ANYTHING FROM STORIES, TO JUST EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS, TO PROSE, POETRY, ECT. IN 2005 MY FATHER IN LAW WOULD PASS AWAY IN THE PHILIPPINES. I REGRET NOT GOING WITH MY WIFE TO HIS WAKE AND FUNERAL. IT STILL BOTHERS ME TODAY. I REMEMBER MY WIFE AND I ARGUED ABOUT IT BEFORE SHE LEFT AND HOW HORRIBLE I FELT WHEN SHE DID LEAVE.I FELT SO GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING WITH HER. I HAD 2 WEEKS TO THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN SHE CAME BACK, I APOLOGIZED AND THINGS WENT BACK TO NORMAL BUT I STILL HAD ISSUES WITH SENDING SO MUCH MONEY TO THE PHILIPPINES AT THAT TIME. 10 -2006-2009:TRIALS, CHALLENGES & WANDERING- IN 2006 I BECAME UNHAPPY AT WORK OVER NOT GETTING THE LEAD POSITION OF MY DEPARTMENT.NEEDLESS TO SAY IT SHOWED IN MY ATTITUDE AND HOW I CARRIED MYSELF. I DID GET OVER IT QUICKLY THOUGH. SEE, I HAD MET THIS PASTOR WHO WORKED AT THE SAME BUSINESS I WORKED FOR AND HE WOULD SHARE THE WORD OF GOD WITH ME AND I DID LIKEWISE. SOON, WE BEGAN HAVING BIBLE STUDIES TOGETHER. HIS NAME WAS NATHANAEL AND HE KNEW THE BIBLE LIKE THE BACK OF HIS HAND. IF I ASKED A QUESTION ABOUT A CERTAIN VERSE BUT DID NOT KNOW THE VERSE OR BOOK HE WOULD KNOW AND MANY TIMES SAY IT OUT LOUD FROM MEMORY. SOON WE WOULD HAVE A THIRD MEMBER, HER NAME WAS IESHA. ON A FEW OCCASIONS THE 3 OF US PRAYED TOGETHER AND IT WAS AN EMPOWERING AND YET PEACEFUL MOMENT. WHAT A COMFORT, PEACE AND ASSURANCE I RECEIVED THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD. HOW GOD BROUGHT THESE PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE FOR A SEASON IN WHICH I NEEDED IT MOST. THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU. THE FALL FROM GRACE IS A HARD ONE INDEED, AND I FELL HARD.SEE I HAD BECOME FRIENDS IN 2006,WITH THIS LADY NAMED HEATHER. THIS FRIENDSHIP BECAME AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE THAT WOULD NEARLY DESTROY MY MARRIAGE. AS A WISE MAN ONCE SAID: “WOMEN ARE THE RUINATION OF A GOOD MAN”, PATRICK WAS RIGHT, AT LEAST IN THIS CASE. I HAD HORRIBLE JUDGEMENT AND GOT CAUGHT UP IN HEATHERS PERSONAL CONFLICTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE AT WORK AND SOON WE WERE HANGING OUT AT KARAOKE BARS. I MUST SAY NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN HEATHER AND I.WE NEVER KISSED.WE NEVER HAD ORAL SEX. WE NEVER HAD SEX OF ANY KIND. THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN WAS MY LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT AND CAUSING MY WIFE TO LOSE TRUST IN ME AND NOT BELIEVE ME. AT THAT TIME SHE DIDNT BUT I DONT BLAME HER. OVER TIME THOUGH I HAVE GAINED HER TRUST BACK,ONLY TO LOSE IT AGAIN. FROM KARAOKE TO CLUBS IN 2007 AND 2008. WHILE MY WIFES TRUST IN ME WAS RESTORED, IT DID NOT TAKE ME LONG TO LOSE IT ONCE AGAIN. I BEGAN GOING TO CLUBS WITH MY BROTHER AND JUNIOR.DURING THIS TIME MY BROTHER WAS GOING THROUGH A TOUGH DIVORCE AND SPENDING TIME WITH HIM WAS IMPORTANT TO ME BUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS CALLING I BEGAN TO HEED OTHER VOICES OF DECEPTION. MY PRIORITIES WERE TURNED UPSIDEDOWN YET AGAIN, AND MY WIFE CLEARLY NOTICED.UNDERSTANDABLY, MY WIFE DID NOT TRUST MY BROTHERS NEW GIRLFRIEND MARIA, WHO MY BROTHER MET AT A CLUB AND DID NOT LIKE ME GOING TO CLUBS WITH JOE AND MARIA COMING ALONG BECAUSE MARIAS GIRLFRIENDS WERE THERE TOO.I UNDERSTAND MY WIFES FEELINGS ABOUT THIS NOW BUT I DID NOT SUBMIT TO THESE FEELINGS BACK THEN,WHICH CAUSED PASSIONATE TENSION BETWEEN US AND NUMEROUS FIGHTS. TODAY, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND HER FEELINGS AND RESPECT HER FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MATTER. I ADMIT I WAS WRONG IN BOTH CASES, WITH HEATHER AND MARIA. I had posted this on facebook regarding that time. it was just a few years ago, when i was living in rebellion and darkness. i was living in the bondage of sin as a child of god. my life style had become one of addiction to night life, a carousing heart, a wandering eye and i was wandering so far from the lord and hurting the person closest to me. i was close to throwing the most important relationship in my life away because of my wandering heart. then soon, i had lost my job in 2009 and it was during this time that the lord began working on me and brought me to a place, where all i would focus on was him, learning more about him, his love for me and everything jesus had done for me on the cross and the power of his blood. while i was out of work and right on through to today the lord has continued his wonder working power within me in my life and the lives of others, transforming my mind and changing my heart. i didnt deserve gods grace, mercy and forgiveness but what an awesome god we serve. in his word it says…”quench not the spirit” this verse right here speaks volumes to me about our complete dependence upon “the spirit of christ, the hope of glory” within, “greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world” and “Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, -“AND SHALL BE IN YOU”. jesus’ very promise to us to send the comforter, the holy spirit and that he will be IN YOU.what an awesome gift from god, the holy spirit is doing miracles and wonders in our world today, and what a miracle god has done in my own life. QUENCH NOT THE SPIRIT! brothers and sisters in christ jesus who is the word become flesh and our lord and saviour!the king of kings and lord of lords! his word is our spiritual food. 2009:OUT OF WORK FOR 9 MONTHS *GOD MAKES ALL THINGS NEW* -BEGINNINGS: 2011-2015- I could begin in so many places but i would like to start on august 21,2011. it was during this time,i joined the worship team at church. little did i know at the time but it was the beginning of a new period of my life. where i was discovering the depth of my faith and who God is. it was a calling of service to God through worship & music. Andy Jelliffe was our worship leader, along with nick porcaro and michael giffone. susan soesbe was one of the vocalists along with myself. who would have known that i would be on the worship team not just singing though but worshiping God. since i was a teenager, i wanted to sing, i wanted to be a part of music but who would have thought it would be for worshiping God. the Lord was growing me in my faith through my relationship with him more and more. -Green Pastures Without A Pastor?- Even though our congregation would lose our pastor Don Flynn, who stepped down at the beginning of the new year in 2012, the Lord had other plans. i myself believed there were great times ahead looking forward to what the lord would do at riverside and behold the lord moved mightily. pastor hector ramirez, david jensen and other guest speakers began preaching at times but soon it would be clear in the coming months that it would be PASTOR hector who God would call to our church as pastor, soon becoming interim pastor later that year and finally become senior pastor in 2013. -Growing In The Word & In Prayer- In march 2012,i joined the mens group that meets every tuesday to study Gods Word and Pray together and we still meet today, Pastor Hector, joe, fred and myself. we met mostly at Fellow Elder Richard Wilsons house,who recently passed away on december 25,2015 and went home to be with the lord. I learned with these men that a consistant daily study of the Bible is one of the foundations of the christian life, as well as our daily prayer life are essential in our relationship with Jesus Christ. -Surrender & Serve- On june 3rd,2012,i would be baptized and through the summer of 2012, he also called me to serve in the soup kitchens, the poor of our communities. in september,he would then call me to be an elder of the church. on october 7th, my wife and i of 11 years renewed our marriage vows. the next year,i was installed as an elder on february 10th,2013. over the next 2 years, i would actually lead or co-lead 3 mens meetings and in 2015 i would lead worship 3 times. Serving on the worship team has been a blessed experience along side, vocalists: Susan, Amanda, Christina, Cheryl, Gail, and Jessi. musicians: Andy, Nick, Michael, Roland, Andrew, James, Fred, Al, Ron, Jayson and Billy. Serving God with my wife has been a tremendous blessing. Clarissa is an usher and a greeter and also helps in cleaning up at the end of service. our marriage has become stronger and we have faced many challenges but the Lord has strengthened us and blessed us,keeping us through all of them and bringing us through all of them. we will be married for 15 years on april 19th and together we have learned its alot like serving the Lord being that the more you surrender to the relationship, the closer you grow to the other and your values begin to align to the one you surrender to becoming more and more alike. Selah. *YESTERDAY,TODAY & FOREVER* 1994 – 2016 – -Rewind 2009-2010 In 2009,i would be out of work for 9 months from june until february 2010. the longest time period out of work since after graduating high school in 1991, which was 5 months. during the time i was out of work in 09,i began reading the bible more and seeking God again. its important to say that before 2009, i was on and off with the lord. -Rewind-Forward-Selah- while my new found faith in Jesus Christ began in 1995 and my seeking was more evident to others at that time. come 1996, i began wandering but in 1997 i drew closer to Jesus only to wander again on and off through 1998-2001. in 2001 another resurgence of faith began into 2002 though on and off again. in 2004 was another resurgence,in 2006 was another. when i lost my job in 2009, it helped set me on course to begin to seek the lord again, only this time over the next 7 years my faith and walk with the lord jesus would grow deeper into the roots of stronger faith and spiritual growth and maturity, all to the glory of God. Selah. 2016 – Revelations now and into The Future OH WHAT Jesus has done for us once and for all by his sacrificial death on the cross where his blood was shed for our sins, for the forgiveness of our sins The Bible does tell us that when the redeemed in Jesus Pass Away and enter into the presence of the lord in heaven that we shall be with him & we shall be like him but we shall be like him now as well. once were with Him in eternity and have come to know him face to face he is simply All We Will Desire, Worship, Love and Adore in Heaven for All Eternity. He is this now to us, by the presence of His Holy Spirit, while we have Glympses, portions and doses of his glorious presence. He is everything and more to us in our lives now yes we in Christ can stand sure on his promises found in his word, that we experience the glory of his presence in wonder and awe -Fully- in his awesome presence here and now in the kingdom of heaven within us and in the coming glorious eternal Kingdom of Heaven,we will be unfettered without sin, hindrance or distraction of any kind, just Him in all his Glory, Beauty, Splendor and Majesty. Selah Sacred Memoirs 2007-Present Beginnings 2015-Present

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divinevomit · 3 years ago

Text

11am

im already back. i think im only going to post tothis on my compter. i dont use it enough.

im waiting for (i think ill call him apollo) to wake up and say hi. i always look forward to talking to him. its always so much easier than everyone else. we had our fisrst real (?) deep tal kthe other night. it was odd. i tried to comfort him. he didnt understand it and told me he doesnt know how i do it. hes on my mind a lot, i worry about him. we didnt talk for a good 6 months and he came back. we first started talking when neithr of us had really anyone., both of us only had one person other than each other. it was nice. he dissapeared for a while, deteled his profiles (i only knew two of his accts, both on diffrrent apps. i just got his hpone number a cople days ago) and when he came bakc, im in a lot better olace and im genuinely happier. we talk every day. we might meet in a month or so, thres a good chane im going on a roadrtrip cross ountry to meet vamps family and wed cross thru his state;; thrers a good chance well take a plane, but i havent told him. im hoping that if i say well drive, we will. putting my wishes in the physical and all. im excited to meet him and i think ts mutual. i ask the universe costatnly to let me have this opportunity. anywas, we talk for hours abt anything and we have a dynamic that i liek. its odd, because were inda meean to each othr but tats ujust how we are. i cant reall ytalk to anyone else liek that. he makes me hapy. i dotn know. its just nice. he listens to diffrent music than me, but i used to liesten to teh same type. he makes me hapy. he seems excited to meet me, he asks me a lot abt wen im gonna be ther, what were gonna do, it seems liek common but its sweet. hell ask things out of nowehre and its, out of character. hes two hrs ahead of me, and i accidentally messed up his sleep schdule, before i would go to sleep when he wakes up and wake up wen he goes to sleep, but he started staying up thru the night and early morings to takl to me, and hes told me its for me. hes sweet to me. i dont now.

i mgoing totalk abt apollo a lot.

the harvst moon was a few nights ago i tihnik. me and vamp did a lot fo stuff spiritalwise. a couple days ago, or maybe a couple wekes, i started studying angelolgy and demonology. i think its something i should be aaware of. its interesting. im too tired to remember much. but i remember this one thing .;:;; the christan god, is not one being, its made u pof various levels of angels. i used to g oto a christan church as a kid with extended famiy, and never read the bible so idont know if this is cmmon knowedge or not, but it gave me comfort.

maybe i am back to ow i usd to be, th time i long for. or maybe im begining to get back oto that in a completely diferent way. dont have any coneept abt the time or days anymore. a coupl hours aho feels liek days ago, and i catn place the days. i dont know how tofeel about that. the only difernece is that i have peiple;.

i ned to do shoolwork. ive been bak in for the first time since freshman year, then i dropped out a seemester in, and went bak sophmore year and dropped out a quarter in, then switched shools, then drpped out again, then switched again, them dropped, then drpped out then dropped out. all a striking 7 times in three years. and now im bak and genuinely trying. ive only been there for a week, and only gone in one day (hybrid of online and going in ocne a week for am hour) the onl y downside is that i havw to walk 2 miles to get there and i live in the worst part. vamp came with me the first day and almost got stabbed outsideof my school and i got barked at, told to shakemy ass, catcalled constatly, and screamed at from cars the enire way there and back. i hae no other choice but to walk. i dont mind, it just upsets me that vamp feels the need to come with so im not al ne. i dont want t put him in that kinnd of sistuatons. he might be older thnan me, but hes vulnverable. its scares me. hes not usd to things liek this. i just worry.

my older sister is in a different country with her fiance. he lives there, she lives here and this is the second tiem shes gone over there. she texted me the othre night telljng me that they were in the hospital and just got bato me and told me it was becaus ethey both took laced drugs. neither of them rmeember anything. sh onlu remembers puttinng a mirror up to his nose and he was barely brreathing. im too tiered to find a name for her. (maybe brutus liek the song by the buttress)

im so tired. i dont know when or if il eb ablle to sleep. my eyes are heavy, but tats nothing new. maybe ill make coffe. maybe ill take benedryl. oh well.

i need tomake sure i do my glamour before midnight. for the past two nights its been after. its a 30 day ritual and im about 5 days in. mabe ill set an alarm. im good at remembering to do it but its difficult to keepup with time.

im tired

sept. 26′21 : 8am

thought id try a diary of sorts. cant garrentee how consistant thisll be or how literate itll be either. i cant sleep anymore without some type of medication. with or witohut caffine. im aalways tired an d it shows. when i fo sleep it sall day. never at night. the portals are opening up. tis almost october and it shows. this buildign is full of lost ghosts. i feel for them, honestly. i cant imagine being stuck ina place liek this forever. i feel liek maybe i will, one day again. be stuck somewhere for wahat seems liek too many years, watching the days pass, not knowing when or were i am anymore. seeing the passin gpoeple go by. i was once, it wasnt fun. i dont really remember it, but i know i long forit back from time to time.

i guess i should introduce myself properly, for futiure referencee or for anyone who happens to stumble on this blog. i dont rwally know how. i guess i m kinda liek a ghost. i dont get to leave my apartment often, eithr becuase i have a bad feeling, or because i have no reason or the funds to. i have insomnia, also borderline personality, and probably a good amount of other problems. ihave a good amount of friends i guess, i live with one, (who ill call vamp for future referece),i have two friend groups, both of thm are majority odler than me, but not in a weird way, more liek by chance. anywyas, i also have an online friend, and a long distance lover. i talk to my onlin efriend more than any. ive knownhim for almost twoyears,but i dont know much about ihim. i dont know his actual name, what he looks liek, so basically nothing besides his age, his voice, and his zodiac sighn. all my friends think hes secretly 40, but hes a year younger thanme and proved it. ill probably end up talking atb him mostl.y. i mtoo tired to thikn of a different name than what i already callhim, ill think of one later. my lovr lives in the same state as my onlien friend, and not too far. theyboth live in a different state thanme and vamp. weve beentogether for two years, about 8 months off and on long distance. this is the longest weve been away from ech other at 4 months. i dont get to talk to them too often. thy dont have wifi, and theyve never had a phone with data. their family is odd and doesnt liek me either. what els do i add? ill be a legaladult in 6 months, but me and vamp basically liv aloen. my mom pays for rent and utilties, but is never around and lives with her boyfriend 12/14 days. whenshe does come by, its not good. vamp and i both dont have jobs, vamps family is across the country, and most of mine is comepletely out of the pitcture. neither of us had good childhoods but they r pretty similar. vamps was a lot more extreme thanmin e, and mine was,, easier,, to say te least. i dont know what else i should add. im very pale due to lack of goingoutsid eduring daylight hours and probably lack of nutrients but naturallu im very tane. im reely clairvoyant, liek scary clairvoyant. ican read someones mind to a t with ease, can feel others physicalpain even when im inadifferent room, adn emotions clearly. especially when i know thm, dcently just by looking at them too long. its reallu exhausting. (beleive me or not idont care, its not liek anyone will see this anywyas.) my mom is pagan (for 22yrs), and my dad is a satanist (for 42 yrs) and i am second born to them. i turned out a pagan who lieks red magic and my deity is venus aphrodite. (did yu knoew aphrodite was nonbianary?) i refuse to do black magic or anything to mess with anyons freewll. i refuse to end up liek muy dad. my favorite color is baby pink andblack.

me and vamp share a room. im not allowed to be alnoen because everyone thinks ill spirsl. vamp has lived with me for 4 months and, dnt get me wrong, i lvoe having him here, hes liek my brother and i cherish him forever, but i missbeing alone. jes asleep right now so im downstairs typig this.

i have a bad habit of rambling. i talk too much. i wont read this over becaause i know itll be all ovr the place and ill just delete it. i dont really know what to use this blog for, i never really have. i go backand forth on wat to do with it, first it was aesthetics, then a dream journal and now this, but im bad at keeping p with anything and loose motivation quickly. i might try more for tihs. but i cant promise anything, i did this on a whim.

#2 #divinevomit #divinejournal

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frelyn21-blog · 5 years ago

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I was happy that time even if im tired because of the kids they always want to play but the time we teach them they will listens we listen to their sins that they do to their family and we also share our sins too we teach them about who is god and the ten commandments and we eat even if all of us are tired. We were happy because we just teach the kids about god we play with them and draw and after that. We go to lola gloria i was a excited and happy because i love to help and that time when see her i felt sad. She was suffering she was so thick but you know i am proud of her because she is strong and she have faith with god . Im mad of her son or daughter because they know that lola glor is sick and her lower body is paralize. We gave her clothes,foods,and also a bible because lola want's to read it. He loves to pray and that day my faith with god get stronger. I always want to help and if i have a chance i will help her again i want her to be safe and some one will take care of her that is all i want for lola gloria

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anothergirlrecovering · 7 years ago

Text

Lynn 53

I walked in and sat down. Lynn asked if it would bother me to have the eucalyptus essential oil going. I laughed and reminded her that I grew up with all kinds of natural things, so none of that bothers me. She laughed and said she had forgotten, and said that ragweed has been getting to her. She asked how I’m doing, and I said I was okay. I said that I haven’t been sleeping well, and I explained my recent issue with my mom and the broadway show. I explained that maybe it was progress but there was a part of me that doesn’t even want to hang out with her, but who knows, it could just be the mood im in. She said she considers that progress for sure. I told her about how I had met with my pastor and have sort of come up empty handed but am going to read a book he gave me. I told her about my neighbor attempting suicide and how I had a really bad panic attack following. She empathized and said she thinks it made sense that I responded that way. I told her ive been struggling with humanity being so negative and hot helpful and told her about the guy in yoga. And then she went with the mindfulness speech again lol. I feel like she must know im over it because she started explaining how its helped her so much and that philosophically it may also help with some of the existential crisis around faith issues. She explained how things like dbt or cbt may also help me feel better when I get upset, but that so far research shows mindfulness really helps change the brain. She pointed out that when she was my age she didn’t get it either and she laughed and said one day she knows im going to email her and say I got it lol even if its 10 years later. I was like idk maybe lynn, maybe. She said it takes time and a lot of practice and encouraged me to read more on it. SHe said things will always bother me because im a sensitive person and thatas not bad, but that mindfulness can really help me to be with it and move on from it without being so affected. Everything she said made sense, but I get so uninterested and bored with it. She said there are retreats and went on a long tangent about some lady she really likes who is an emdr consultant and is doing a retreat in Hawaii which incorporates emdr and mindfulness. I said I thought a whole retreat would make me want to kill myself. She laughed and said shes not there yet either with retreats but that they aren’t just sitting in a room silently for weeks. I told her about how the yoga instructor who did our mindfulness groups in treatment went to one where she went for a month and spent it in mindfulness and silence.

She asked where we wanted to work with emdr, and I said I don’t know, I just want to like myself. Lynn laughed and I commented that I knew it was a lofty goal. Lynn reminded me that liking myself will be impossible until we address the perfectionism issue because she doesn’t foresee me liking myself until im perfect or my beliefs change about needing to be perfect. I explained that I agreed it made sense. She asked about the religious stuff and where we need to start. I told her ive been thinking a lot about things but idk. We ended up talking a lot about religion in general and didn’t get to any emdr. She asked me about the church and if I would have been surprised to know they had manipulated donna into the tooth story. She tried hard to get me to take myself out of the story and ask myself what I might say to myself if I were anyone else with this story but it was hard. She pointed out how deeply these religious roots had been developed. I said I wished I could be my brother because hes not affected by it. Lynn disagreed and said I don’t know what he thinks about at night lol. SHe said the longer I do therapy the more I will realize that you never know what is really going on for people. SHe said surely there are a few who really don’t have skeletons in the closet but just because my brother doesn’t talk about it doesn’t mean he wasn’t affected. I explained that I wouldn’t have thought the pastor was trying to manipulate people but idk. I explained that it was a small church and she pointed out that religious cult type leaders seek power and followings, even if its small. SHe asked me if I would ever do to my kids what they did to me and I teared up and said I wouldn’t. She asked if that kind of emotional and religious abuse was something a therapist would report to dcs and I said maybe its just hard because everyone has religious freedoms and you could argue both sides so its a grey area. I explained how I really don’t remember the pastor but that I remember his wife carrie and she used to babysit me when I was four and five because they rented the apt above us. I said I just remembered her driving me and her daughter and telling us to hold onto our hats when we went over the train as a pretend game. I said I didn’t think their daughter was a Christian anymore, or at least not as rigid because she never posts about any of that stuff and lived with her bf prior to marriage. I explained that there was some weird situation that happened and a disagreement and they had left the church and went with a ministry out in California instead. I explained the vineyard denomination to lynn as best as I could, but I know she has a hard time grasping it lol. I explained the ministry they went to and how they had come to our church to do dream interpretation and hearing a word from god for us. I remember sitting there confused and terrified at what they might say. I remember the speaking in tongues and the banner running and flags and tamburines and prophetic words from god and the healings and dreams and art drawings. I realized saying it all outloud it did sound a lot crazier than I wanted to admit. Lynn pointed out that it seemed atheists and agnostics almost had a better moral compass sometimes because they don't hold themselves to impossible standards and have ridiculous expectations that go against human nature.

“Everything that you’ve described sounds… I don’t mean to be harsh, but like a cult. I mean, that was religious spiritual abuse”. I had described a few memories with the church. I had described the ways I had to repeat over and over the bile verse about god not giving me a spirit of fear, and how I couldn’t stop my panic attacks no matter how many times I said it. I told her that I know its not what she wants to hear but that it feels like some of these crazy religious things work out for some people so it feels like it was user error and the problem was me. I told her about how it felt like there was always a formula for things, but it never worked for me. I told her about how they had prophesied that my brother would be a worship leader while my mom was pregnant but never prophesied anything about me and always encouraged my brother to play music while intentionally leaving me out because I didn’t have “the gift”. I told her that there was no prophecy during my time in utero because my parents weren’t Christians at that point. I explained how they became Christians when they met my aunts boyfriend who invited them all to a bible study. I explained that the more I talked about it the more I realized how bizarre it was because my uncle is soooo far out there with his dream interpretations and the way he says he hears god and the way he isolates its all just odd but that hes the uncle who had gotten drunk on Christmas eve and told me all his problems and about how the pastors we grew up with had always really liked me and said what a good and caring kid I was.

Lynn encouraged me to talk to my pastor more about all of this. I told her he would probably say everything she had said regarding that it wasn’t healthy and logically I know all of this but it still feels true. She pointed out that we need to dig into some of the spiritual abuse with emdr because if this is the fundamental experiences shaping my beliefs, untangling that may untangle the perfectionism issue. She said she still wants me to talk to my pastor lol because she hasn’t studied any of this and if we untangle my current religious beliefs, ill need to replace them with something. She also said she wanted me to talk to him because she wants me to really recognize that it wasn’t just a terrible situation, it was abuse. I listened and she pointed out that she knows im on the fence with all of this because she could tell by my body language. What she meant was I had a hard time keeping eye contact, had teared up several times, and looked at the floor a lot as we talked about all of this stuff. She talked about how the church is supposed to be there to care about people and that unfortunately they often do a lot of harm. I explained that my current church really takes care of their people and I liked that about them.

We went to schedule for two weeks out and she said she wasn’t sure what her schedule will be yet because she may be helping out at the school with the play because tis the last one. I asked if that was because her son was a senior and she said yes. I asked if her son has red hair too and said how I cant imagine lynn having a red head. She laughed and said she wanted to show me a picture of him and that hes such a cutie pie and they just did headshots for the show. She showed me the picture and I was like oh my gosh he really is so adorable he looks like a cross between Justin bieber and zac efron in high school musical. She laughed and said he got to play troy Bolton in the high school musical play at their school. She then showed me a picture of her daughter and then her other daughter. I said they are so pretty and I was like lynn your kids are really good looking and I don’t mean that in a weird way. She laughed and said she agreed and thinks theyre pretty and shes really proud of them and theyre all really smart. I laughed and jokingly said and you validated their feelings and you love them for who they are and not how they look and she jokingly rolled her eyes and said yes shes mom of the year and she would see me next week.

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