#or if you didn't understand i can explain it to you

[kiragecko]

I decided to do this for the Batfamily. (Preboot version, because I disagree with DC's modern decisions.)

If the Batfam were queer, how would they talk about it?

Dick - awkward and tentative. No clue when he picked up the terminology he's using, but it's probably pretty general/balanced¹. He's not going to be using microlabels, but may have done a reasonable amount of research on whatever term he's accepted. Possibly the most ashamed out of everyone? Look, people haven't been very gentle with him about his romantic, sexual, or personal choices. And he's internalized that. I could see him EVENTUALLY being comfortably open about his identity, but that would be a long journey.

Babs - only talks to romantic partners, if she can help it. Clinical. Probably also prickly. Maybe dismissive. More focused on how it will affect their relationship than on how it affects her, or on specific terms. But also the most likely to explain the split attraction model, or pull up a graph? Possibly she'd shift tactics based on what her partner was comfortable with. Probably it would be to tactics her partner was LESS comfortable with? Babs, make things easier for yourself!

Jason - What flavour of fanon are we using here? Or canon? Using slurs that the people he grew up used for themselves could be accurate. Reading up on all the latest terminology so he can support the street kids seems in character for some versions. (He sounds like he's reading from a brochure, but like he's a counsellor reading from a brochure for your benefit!) Not having thought about it at all because he's been 'somewhat' distracted for most of his life seems VERY likely! Jason contains multitudes.

Tim - avoiding this conversation at all costs. Refuses to use labels. Might describe his experience, awkwardly, if he needed to, but would get distressed if you tried to give it a name. He might be able to accept BEING some flavour of queer, but openly talking about it in ways people can use against him? That might affect social standing and job opportunities? That might disappoint authority figures? No. Most likely to use a fake identity to explore. Has almost certainly done all the research, KNOWS current terminology, and will use it for other people. Just don't suggest he applies it to himself.

Steph - Would probably get extremely attached to language when first accepting it. Maybe to the point of policing things a bit. Because she's defensive and has spent her whole life being policed and judged! MIGHT sound like she was reading out of a college brochure. Possibly DID read it out of a college brochure!

Cass - summarizes complex topics into a 2 or 3 word sentence, and if you aren't following along, that's on YOU. Might like listening to someone else explain their extremely nuanced identity. Might be impatient. It's a toss-up, depending on how obvious she thinks things are, how much you seem to be overcomplicating it, and how much she's picking up from HOW you're saying it. I hope she figures herself out before she learns TOO much terminology, because later Cass respected words a bit too highly, and I want her to be able to understand the fluidity of self without thinking it NEEDS boxes.

Damian - okay, preteen Damian doesn't WANT to know about any of this, thank you. Many preteens do! Damian does not. Damian wants to join in on every rape and hate crime investigation, and also thinks kissing is gross. Wrangling and protecting Damian is a challenge. Older Damian would probably use microlabels, if any applied. (And he felt safe saying anything.) Accuracy is always to be desired! Also, they fit his worldview of exceptionality and isolation.

Duke - I think he'd be pretty comfortable with general, broadly understood, terminology. But he might struggle if that stuff didn't fit. Feeling compelled to explain the nuances of self seems like something he'd find really uncomfortable? So I can see him casually talking about himself if it was easy to talk about, but struggling to be open otherwise. Also, he might get pretty stuck on not being SURE about his identity. How can he talk about it if he might be wrong?? (Tim and Dick might struggle in a similar way, but it would be less obvious because of their other issues.)

Bruce - Extremely likely to used old-fashioned or clinical language, especially if it lets him sound like he's reading out of a psychology text-book. Most likely to accept the language without internalizing the identity. (It might be accurate, but that doesn't mean he needs to ACT on it.) Also most likely to have accept-ED some term 25 years ago and then just never brought it up again or acknowledged it in any way.

Alfred - wouldn't talk about it at all. Relationships are private. If it was important to do so, would use euphemisms like 'close to', 'cared for', 'did a small amount of exploration', etc.

-

¹ I kind of think of modern queer identities coming in 3 broad categories:

general - uses language like 'queer', 'LGBT', 'nonbinary' - commonly understood umbrella terms. Prioritizes fluidity of identity and connection with community over precise description

balanced - prioritizes connection with people of similar experiences, uses broad subcategories like 'gay', and 'trans', or combines broad terms together to suggest more precision, like 'nonbinary lesbian'.

microlabels - breaks down identities into more precise subsets like 'greyace', 'fem-aligned androgyne', 'genderfae', etc. Precise understanding of self prioritized over other people's understanding or connection.

'Microlabels' as shorthand is often used to mock people, so I thought it helpful to explain where I'm coming from.

he would not fucking say that but it’s he would not fucking talk about his queer identity like he was reading out of a college campus lgbt center brochure

[ahoyimlosingmymind]

i feel like a lot of Jason and Bruce's relationship can only be explained if you understand the depth of Jason's isolation while living with Bruce and the depths of codependency the dynamic fostered.

Unlike Jason's predecessor and his successors, Jason never had a superhero team. He wasn't deeply connected to the superhero community. He didn't really even have friends. His world was school, the manor, and Batman and Robin. Robin, being a piece of his identity and his first sense of belonging. Batman and Robin as a dynamic requires synchronicity and a lack of questioning. It's about doing what Batman says. Jason, who lived in constant fear of being abandoned again, or kicked out, did his damnedest to not step a toe out of line. Jason was looking for safety and a parent who loved him, and Bruce stepped into that role in a way Jason had never experienced before. (mind you, Bruce himself was dealing with the conflicts regarding his relationship with Dick and no longer have Dick's presence.)

When Bruce and Jason started to have tensions themselves over 'excessive force' and the Garzona's situation, that read to Jason like rejection. And rejection, in a codependent relationship is cause for severe alienation and isolation. Jason had zero people to turn to; and the single person he loved most in the world didn't trust him anymore. Bruce had ripped the little bit of emotional safety that Jason felt away. So Jason went to find a mother who might want him.

point is: Jason Todd can never leave Bruce Wayne. Not in the way his other siblings can. Bruce Wayne is the center of his universe, and the only person Jason ever fully trusted. Jason wrapped his identity into being loved by Bruce, into being the son of Bruce. Into being Batman's Robin. Which is why being replaced felt like confirmation of all of his worst fears. It's why nobody else seems to understand the depths of this betrayal the way Jason does. Jason thinks his relationship with Bruce is normal. He thinks that Tim has replaced Jason in this codependent bond. That Tim has somehow played the part better than Jason did.

It's why Red Hood can't ever move on without Bruce proving to him that he is worth killing the Joker for. It's why Jason keeps crawling back to the batfamily despite the constant cycle of abuse and conflict. Bruce is gravity, Bruce is the sun, and Jason's world revolves around him and what Bruce says about him. If Bruce says Jason isn't worth it, then he's not. If Bruce says Jason is, then he is. They're soOOoO "Love me like a god and I'll betray you like a man" "I bet on losing dogs" "i'm going to die in the universe you loved me in (before you decided you didn't)" "I was fifteen when you left and I have been fifteen ever since" "losing your faith in your parents feels like losing faith in your religion"

@prlssprfctn <- bless you for this panel <3

[yes-sirr]

black and blue bruises

i keep imagining reader having over protective brothers who learn that their baby sister is dating an older man and they decide that he needs to be taught a lesson for taking "advantage" of her. (they jump him 😭,, dont worry he fights back!)

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wc: 828

cw: age gap (reader is in her mid 20s, hotch is in his mid 40s), violence implied

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inspired by seeing hotch in s4ep1 all bloodied

you get a text early in the day from your brothers in your siblings group chat about how they know what who you have been doing and that they'll take care of it (!!!! ????) you don't actually see the message until its far too late and so you decide that you'll deal with your brothers later. now fully panicking, you call aaron's phone (with no response... smh) and drop everything to head to his place.

you let yourself in with your key and frantically look around for him in different rooms, finally finding aaron in his bathroom using a first aid kit to clean up his cuts and bruises. rushing over to him, your heart breaks seeing your man bleeding all over his bathroom sink.

you feel the rage swelling up in your body thinking about how this is the most moronic thing your brutish brothers have ever done. "oh my god. i can't believe they did this to you. i am actually going to kill them." you take over for aaron and start wiping away the blood from his brow, rougher than you intend to. he sucks in and winces under the pressure and you pull back slightly whispering a quiet "sorry" before continuing your motions, gentler this time around.

"This is not exactly how I imagined meeting your family would be like," he says pulling you in between him and the sink, "but I guess this was just the first meeting with the welcoming committee."

a wicked smile gradually lays hold over his face as you stop your ministrations to study his expression. you narrow your eyes trying to read what is behind his mischievous look. "what did you do?" you ask, resting your hands against his chest.

"Well, they got their first hit." he turns his head to show his eye, quickly turning blue. "Which they only got because they took me by surprise. But they didn't get a chance to land a second one," his sly smile now breaking out into a full on grin.

puzzled, you tilt your head trying to understand what he means. you inspect the bruises on his fists and after seeing no actual cuts or scrapes, you realize that besides the black eye, none of the blood on him is actually his. now wising up to the actual facts of the situation, you shake your head with a breathless chuckle. "of course! and then what was the rest of this meeting like?" you lean your forehead against his chest and let out a heavy sigh, his hands rubbing calming circles on your back.

shrugging his shoulders, he goes on to explain, "I gave them the opportunity for us to talk like gentlemen. I attempted to explain to them that I love you and won't do anything to ever hurt you." he scrunches his nose to add, "But I think that just made them more upset."

feeling calmer now, you speak into the chest of the very gracious man before you, "baby, i am so SORRY for my brothers who are imbeciles with no home training." you look at him to vocalize the rest, "i will make sure they apologize to you even if I have to drag them to do it."

he leans down to give you soft and reassuring kiss. "Sweetheart, you don't have to apologize for them. I am sure that your brothers and I have come to an understanding. We should be all set to meet the rest of your family with no trouble."

pressing your forehead against his, you give him a faint smile and close your eyes. "they're actually so thickheaded. i'm not even that much younger than them to be considered their baby sister. it's just i'm the youngest of all my siblings. they've got it stuck in their head that they need to defend my honor," you drag out the last few words.

"I can appreciate what they were trying to do for you, sweetheart. It may have been the wrong approach but it's endearing that they care?" he asks sympathetically. "Can I assume they've done this before?"

your eyes shoot wide open as you snort. "no boy even got the chance to look at me in high school because of their reputation. i just can't believe they would do this as adults. but they're clearly still children."

"It's going to take a lot more to scare me away," he reassures you. "Especially, since I have no plan to ever let you go now that I've got you," he says as he brings your left hand up to press a tender kiss against your ring finger.

you watch him with a sparkle in your eye and flash him a bright smile. your face immediately drops as you groan, "they did all this and they think you're just my boyfriend."

"Now that I know who I am dealing with," he smirks at you, "we can tell them together that I am in fact your fiancé."

[brawberryz]

you look so pathetic...i want you

Batboys × Loser nerd! Reader

Note: English is not my first language, sorry if there is any translation error

Jason Todd

Richard had convinced him to go on a blind date, at first he refused

But apparently Richard didn't understand the meaning of the word 'No' and he kept insisting on it all fucking week

He decided to accept just because he had nothing to do (plus he could get rid of that idiot brother)

He thought he would meet the usual girls, most likely he would just talk to her for a while and then leave

He was very surprised when he saw you entering the restaurant agitated 20 minutes late

God, you are the human representation of the fucking nerd emoji, you looked like you came out of an 80s movie

You are literally the representation of the word loser and nerd

"Hi..."

You said embarrassed as you sat at the table in front of him, you adjusted your glasses nervously

Your clothes and hair were a mess as if you had run a marathon to

"Hi"

He waved back, god he didn't think it was going to be this awkward

You and him didn't say anything for the next 20 minutes

"So... you like fnaf?"

"What?"

Jason was surprised by your question, it wasn't the best way to break the ice but it did the trick

At some point he felt like laughing, it was the first date and all you did was talk about a game.

"Although if you don't like it I can also talk about undertale or minecraft"

It was almost funny how you spent the whole date talking about indie games, comics and movies.

He just looked at you with a small smile nodding briefly, you were too focused talking about whatever you were talking about.

But he liked the sparkle and excitement in your eyes every time you talked about one of your weird tastes.

you were a complete loser

You were clearly he type

Richard Grayson

He had met you a few weeks ago, you were the kind librarian who helped him every day when he went to get a book

If he was honest he didn't read any of the books he brought from the library he only went there to see your cute face

After several failed flirtations and denied dates you decided to give him a chance

You couldn't say no to those little puppy eyes he gave you

The date had gone wonderfully and you timidly invited him to your apartment

And it was an offer that Richard couldn't refuse

The night was great, they watched some movies and spent too much time with you since when he saw the time it was too late

He told you it was time to leave but you insisted that he stay arguing that it was too late and your neighborhood was very dangerous

So just to please you he decided to stay, he was Nightwing some small time criminals weren't going to even scratch him but he still stayed with you

When you went to get blankets and pillows so he could sleep more comfortably in the guest room he decided to follow you

His surprise was great when he saw your room full of posters, manga and anime figures and other series and games

You are a big fan of many things

You saw his surprised face when he saw your room and you thought he was about to make fun of you, it was not going to be the first time someone made fun of you

You were a complete nerd and loser you were the easy target for someone to make fun of

"Sorry for the mess and everything else..."

You said embarrassed as you handed him some blankets and pillows

He just nodded with a small smile on his face

"It doesn't matter, the truth is if I'm honest I think it's pretty cool"

Those words caused a small blush on your cheeks, it was the first time someone said something good about you

He said good night to you before leaving for the guest room

That night you could barely sleep since you spent it thinking In Richard's words

he thought your tastes were cool?

Those simple words triggered something in you that you couldn't even explain

Tim Drake

Tim was a nerd, it was quite obvious and it bothered him to admit it

But his new teammate surpassed what the word nerd and loser was

The first time Bruce introduced you to him so that Tim could team up with you he could see how you became a nervous wreck

He could swear that under your gloves your hands were completely sweaty

You were a little strange, you hardly spoke but it's not like it bothered him, besides you were pretty good at fighting and solving cases

But every time he spoke to you it seemed like your brain went into automatic mode and you responded in a robotic way

But he simply didn't pay much attention to it because it wasn't even his problem

Although he wouldn't lie, sometimes you could be quite strange

He was writing another case that you were working on, this one was much more difficult than all the others and he felt that you and him would stay up all night

There was a long silence between you two, not It was awkward but you could tell you wanted to talk but your words wouldn't come out of your mouth

"Sooooo, do you like Star Wars?"

You said suddenly looking at him, he could feel your nervous gaze piercing the back of his neck

"I saw it once with my brothers"

Tim really wasn't very interested in the conversation, although he was a little surprised since it was the first time you started a conversation with him yourself

"Oh, and you liked it?"

"I kind of didn't understand much of the plot"

That was the sign you apparently needed

During the entire time you were with him in the batcave you spent time explaining the story and interesting facts about the movie

He just nodded at your words, it was the first time he saw you so focused talking about a topic, most of the time you were quiet

Although he didn't complain, your voice was quite comforting to listen to

You were quite cute when you talked about something you liked, he could see the way your voice changed to a more enthusiastic one every time you mentioned something you liked

You were a complete nerd and loser and he liked that about you

It's my first time writing romance but I think it came out pretty well, I think

Well, I just wanted to let you know that my requests are open in case anyone has any requests 🗣

[pomefioredove]

hellooo !! can i please get a sugar cookie , #2 , with chocolate chips and powdered sugar ??

tc of urself n evrythingg !! i love ur works and i love reading ur writinggg its soo nice i love it <3

keep it up !! ur super duper cool !! o((>ω< ))o

AWEE thank you!! sorry this took so long to post ;w;

order #2, sugar with chocolate chips and powdered sugar

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ a presumptuous affair

summary: kalim mistakes you, a random barista, for jamil's date. you go along with it tropes: coffee shop au, fake dating characters: jamil additional info: romantic, gender neutral reader, reader is not yuu, use of y/n, a little kalim x yuu, kinda long, a kissy

As if today couldn't get any weirder...

For a moment, you had almost believed it was fortune. You made it to work on time despite the snow, your shift manager let you take the afternoon off, even your customers were feeling generous- your tip jar was almost to the brim.

And then it got weird.

"Jamil, look! See how cute these cookies are? It's like they're dressed up for the new year!"

That sparkly ray of sunshine has had his hands and nose pressed against the glass of the pastry case all morning. He's dressed in a Night Raven College uniform, but you can't imagine what someone so cute would be wearing it for.

"I just can't decide what to get! Everything looks so good!"

On the contrary, the taller, quieter, tired-looking boy, the one called Jamil, standing by the door, suited his uniform quite nicely.

"I'm sure the Prefect will be pleased with whatever you choose for them, Kalim. We're going to be late,"

The sparkly one (Kalim, was it?) pouts. "But this is our first new year's party together! Usually, I'd just buy everything, but they said..."

"Only one thing. I know. Surely, with all the time you spend together, you'd know their preferences,"

"I do! But it's hard... you'd understand if you had a date, too, Jamil,"

He narrows his eyes. "I'll be kept busy enough by the party,"

"Aw, that's no fun. You should enjoy yourself, too! If you need any help finding a date, I'd be happy to ask for you!"

"That is completely unnecessary-"

You finish wiping down the case, having shamelessly eavesdropped on the entire conversation. "May I make a pastry suggestion?"

Kalim's eyes widen, as if he'd forgotten you were standing behind the sparkly glass, but Jamil nods.

"Please, please do. And thank you..." his eyes dart down to the nametag on your apron. "Y/N."

"You guys know each other? Oh! I see," Kalim grins.

"Now I know why we came here instead of my favorite place- this is your date!"

The silence is almost worst than the bickering. You and Jamil (perfect strangers, by the way) exchange similar expressions of surprise, while Kalim grins, waiting to be introduced, or... something.

You open your mouth, but before you can explain yourself or the rather presumptuous affair, Jamil nods.

"Yes. This is them,"

He gives you a look that either says "please go along with it" or "I will make you go along with it" but you're too shocked to speak, anyway.

Kalim giggles. "This is perfect! Now I won't have to worry about you being lonely at the party. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want to take away the attention from yourself and the Prefect," Jamil says, dryly, crossing his arms.

Kalim either doesn't notice his tone, or he ignores it.

"Aw, you guys don't have to worry about that! Here, I'll have one of those, and those... that date pastry for Jamil, and... here!"

He takes out a roll of thaumarks thicker than your hand and forces it into your tip jar.

Jamil's eyes widen with panic. "Kalim-"

"I want to make a good first impression!" he says, and then to you: "I can't wait to see you at the party!"

You finish bagging his pastries, shellshocked, and watch him skip out of the coffee shop like a little kid.

Jamil lingers, seemingly unbothered, and yet apologetic all the same.

"Sorry I dragged you into this, he's been begging for a double date all week. I'll tell him you're sick when the party comes around,"

He turns to leave. Your eyes dart between the tip jar, him, the boy outside, him, your coffee-stained hands, and him once more.

"Wait!"

Jamil stops, one hand on the door, and looks over his shoulder.

You try to stop yourself, but the words spill out of your lips anyway. "What time?"

You had never been inside Night Raven College, but the very last thing you were expecting it to be, anyhow, was warm.

You'd dressed in something thick and wooly for the winter weather, and now you're sweating, there's sand stuck under your nails and cool drinks are being passed from hand to hand.

"You're dressed like a penguin," Jamil whispers, holding you by the wrist and pulling you towards a closet, lined with gold and stuffed with coats and shoes from the partygoers.

"I didn't know it'd be hot!"

Jamil closes the door. "I suppose that was an oversight on my part. But I can't have you afflicted with heatstroke- not under my care, at least. Take off the coat,"

You do as he says. You've learned very little about Jamil over the evening, but he seems to know what he's doing.

"Better, but you're drenched in sweat. I'm sure we have dorm uniforms in your size somewhere..."

A loud, raucous noise that you can only assume was a cheer comes from beyond the door. You're not so sure you want to know.

Jamil notices the look on your face. "Too loud?"

"It's a little... much,"

He scoffs, though there's a smile on his lips, now. "That's one way of putting it, I suppose,"

He begins moving coats and shoes, boxes and chests, looking for something to cool you off. You sit on the floor behind him.

"I apologize again. For making you a part of this. I... didn't think you'd actually come," he says, facing away from you.

"I don't mind. I didn't have any plans for the holiday, anyway,"

Jamil makes a noise of acknowledgement, but, no words. You suppose he's trying to figure you out as much as you are him.

"...Ahem. Well, I'm... pleased to have you here. As much as it hurts to admit Kalim was right about one thing, I did need company today,"

"It's no problem,"

"It's some problem," Jamil scoffs, but he's smiling, too. "You'll have a headache for days after this."

"Then it'll be worth it,"

He seems to give up on finding a uniform, or perhaps he's just forgotten about it altogether, and he sits next to you.

You tilt your head to the side, a smile playing at your lips.

"I think Kalim was right about two things, actually,"

Jamil looks at you as if you'd hit your head on something and started speaking in tongues. "And what is that?"

You point up towards the heavens, or, rather, towards the ceiling of the closet, where a mistletoe has been poorly strung up.

"You should enjoy yourself, too,"

Jamil's eyes widen, but before he can ask who put that thing up there?! your kiss is on his cheek and his stoic demeanor is gone.

"Eh- what was that for?"

You could laugh at his expression, but you don't want to rub it in his bewildered face. Rather, you gently nudge his side.

"For being so kind,"

"Kind?" Jamil repeats the word as if he'd never heard it before. "I would hardly call myself that. I'm only... repaying the favor for your kindness."

You smile.

"I guess I'll just have to keep being nice to you, then,"

[sleepymccoy]

So I've seen a few seasons of supernatural in my life. Got to season 5 then trialled off and have seen a fair bit of the rest but not consistently and def not to the end. Haven't watched any in years and years, too

Anyway, I say this to highlight how bizarre it is that I had a lovely destiel dream last night

It'd make a killer fic I think, so enjoy this synopsis

Premise very much like that ep where Dean forgets his life and works in an office dressed like a lil fruit

^ that ep

Anyway the idea is that Dean forgets his life but is otherwise the same. But without the hunting stuff he's semi deadbeat working in a bar and hooking up with random women. Also Sam wasn't part of his childhood I guess, the dream didn't explain why Dean wouldn't know Sam but whatever

Castiel and Sam keep coming into the world to try and get Dean to perform a series of actions he needs to perform in order to be released from the spell. They're kinda bizarre tho and Dean doesn't recognise these guys so it's a challenge. Like, eat this daisy and have a tequila chaser. Sleep in a bed with bay leaves stuffed underneath. Stand in one spot for a minute while the sigil to release you gets engaged. That kind of thing

Dean has like feelings for them, but doesn't know them. He trusts Sam completely and they click but he's kind of weirded out by how comfortable he is with the stranger. And Cas, he wants to protect and fuck Cas in a way that's so overwhelming he can't handle it

Anyway, this is a longish post so click through for the blow by blow

Sam manages to talk him into having the flower and drink by doing it himself and pretending it's a fun way to drink. Dean takes part and is totally unimpressed but has a laugh about it

Cas slips in next with the intention of watching Dean hook up with someone and sneaking bay leaves under the bed before they get down and dirty. Because Cas can fly out the window if he needs to escape quick they figure he's the better choice for that gig. But as soon as Dean sees him it goes sideways because Dean has an immediately unavoidable crush on the raggedy middle aged dude in a Columbo coat

But this Dean didn't have the same loyalty to his father in youth cos there was no hunting to help make sense of the abuse he suffered. So he's not as caught up in his internalised (and externalised) homophobia and maybe even hooked up with a guy or two at school

It's still not normal for him and he's a bit surprised, but it takes him one beer and some disconcerting staring to get over it, and then he approaches

Cas is Unprepared™ for a full flirt from Dean and is very quickly taken in by it. It's fun and cheerful and Dean keeps swapping their drinks and stealing chips and leaning his hand on Cas' thigh when he whispers a joke to him. Cas is just dizzy and swimming in it and doesn't know what to do. He's totally lost track of what's going on

Eventually he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and checks in with Sam, who's had an hour of watching them flirt outrageously and is thoroughly bemused, amused, and has his eyes on the goal. "Get him into bed and put the damned leaves in place!"

So Cas goes back and Dean's paid the tab and is offering to drive and Cas just like you're drunk absolutely not. They make out against the door of Dean's beat up Ford Focus and Cas knows he's not gonna come back from this

He's loved Dead a long time, and there's something painful in the kiss and feeling the immorality of it. But there's something so wonderful too. And if it's got to happen, and Sam says it's got to happen so he can outsource that decision, he can take it as far as it needs to go. Save Dean, then apologise and skedaddle

At least he's got Sam's permission, so Sam can argue his side in his absence until Dean forgives him

It doesn't take long for Dean to kiss Cas into forgetting to feel guilty, tho. Then Dean starts talking about how Cas feels different to anyone else he's ever touched before and he doesn't understand why but he wants him so damned bad.

The Dean pulls back and offers to go slow. Pick you up for breakfast, go on a few dates before what's next

And Cas wants that so bad, he wants to be special, his skin aches for it. But he needs access to Dean's bed so he spearheads getting them into a motel together for the night, feeling slightly cheap and awful about it, but Dean's smile is unparalleled and the awful slides away every time he looks at him

They fuck a bit. Cas' guilt about it all isn't his focus, as soon as Dean's hand is on his dick he's only in the moment. I think Cas keeps it to mutual blow jobs, tho, he wants to save anything more for a Dean who knows him. He lies there's thinking about that afterwards and remembers that the Dean who knows him doesn't want him like this, this is some confused fucked up neuron thing.

Anyway after a bit of post coital bliss Dean gets up to piss and Cas shoves bay leaves under the mattress. Cas then insists on laying together a bit longer, they make out sloppy and Dean is very sweet and Cas loves him and eventually Dean dozes off. Tick off the second ritual

I reckon the last one ends up easy enough. While Dean sleeps Cas holds him and hums while Sam awkwardly and without looking directly at them carves the sigil in the floor. When Dean wakes up Cas makes a big deal about how pretty he is in the light and stay right there so I can take a photo of you

So Dean's striking a stupid sexy pose when the spell fades. And he realises everything that's happened and the significance of it all

Also Sam's in the room now and that's just a bit fucking awkward

Cas just leaves, cos he doesn't know what else to do. He texts Dean an apology. Dean doesn't respond for like three days which is just hellish but eventually he texts back saying come over and talk.

So Cas does. Dean's sorry too, Sam has talked him into recognising that he really got the ball rolling and Cas was a bit cornered. And Cas, desperate to not have Dean feel guilty, talks about his feelings in this vague and uncertain way. But ultimately says he glad he had a chance, even in a false world. Nice to have the memories

And Dean's just like. Okay. So you didn't hate it? And I didn't hate it. And now that there's no crazy spell to work through, do you want to take it slow?

What? Cas says

Breakfast date?

Cas is useless at taking it slow. He goes on this breakfast date and does his ridiculous I love humanity because I loved you first speech and Dean's like fuck man this is intense to hear over eggs and shit coffee! But yeah I'm sitting on some feeling that've kicked passed loyalty into devotion and I also kinda want to suck your dick again so shut up and let me come to terms with being gay a bit slower, fucking hell. You're beautiful, give me a kiss

They figure it out

[lemonlinelights]

@dialup-dragon YES HI HELLO!!!!!!!! The can has been opened I hope you like worms XD

The diva's name is The Question aka Vic Sage My Beloved. He's my favorite superhero like EVER in DC and Marvel I love him so much. I can say like SO MANY THINGS ABOUT HIM!!! Idk where to start UHHH the other person in the art is Huntress aka Helena Bertinelli she's a badass character with a lot of cool stories of her own. Cause it's ya know ✨comics✨ it depends on what you're reading/watching but they're sometimes lovers and I love them together so much.

The Question is from DC comics and he's from Hub Cap City which like a lot of cities in DC comics is corrupted and full of crime.

Vic DOES have a face! He just has a special mask that makes it look like he doesn't. The mask is weirdly very important in the start of his alter ego. He uses a gas to take the mask on and off and it also changes his hair color in the process. His skill set is martial arts and his detective skills. but later on he sort of starts to be able to communicate with cities? And also understand coincidences, comic book logic lol.

Uhh I'm trying to keep this short without going into an essay XD

For awhile his main struggle was seeing things strictly in black and white, until he's basically beaten to death by Lady Shiva which starts his entire journey into morals and learning that not everything is what it seems (I've a post that explains this a lot better hopefully I can find it) A LOT of other stuff also happens, many tragedies and character growth as is the life of a comic book superhero. Skipping all his dramatic adventures Vic eventually dies from lung cancer, and his successor is someone who he's been training-

Renee Montoya! She is AWESOME! I don't know her as well yet but she's amazing as The Question I love her. While Vic is alive their dynamic together is SO fun and Renee on her own is also neat. Again comics so the story changes a bit but shes a former cop struggling with alcoholism and her girlfriend leaving her when Vic enters her life giving her something to work for again. Renee usually has a relationship with Kate Kane (Batwoman) and I love it just wkhxenhdben💕

So yes there's two Questions, sometimes at the same time! Vic Sage has some appearances  in Justice League Unlimited that a fun watch. He and Huntress are together in it <3

They're my beloveds I love them a lot. I think it's mainly their personalities that draw me in a lot of the time. They're entertaining :-) ✨Divas✨

Uhhh also at some point when the universe got rebooted (this is usually done once the comics get too complicated even for the creators) they tried giving The Question a fresh coat of paint by making him a cursed guy who will be able to solve other people's Questions but never answer the biggest one, his own identity. Also this version doesn't actually HAVE a face he legit has no face. The version also has some superpowers? It didn't last long though and I think they've just been ignoring it. So uh yeah we ignore that one.

A whole bunch of JLU Question doodles

Shout out to these comments that changed how I saw certain scenes + Jeffrey Combs' entire performance (his voice is so goodd)

Adding another compulsive nerd to my "favourite compulsive nerd characters" collection

[myrmica]

Heyy could we talk about the final scene at the end of season 4 with vitalasy asking the players if they had fun and to forget all their sufferings with each other and mapicc's whole "good job coming in second" thing because no one talks about and I feel like there's something to say about that moment simply because it's clear that no one wants to talk about it. During spokes livestream after the wormhole video was released where he explained a couple things the only thing he had to say about this moment was that it was "weird" and I agree it was weird but idk how to put it all into words and you're really amazing at articulating yourself so I'm just wondering what you thought of this moment? Especially after you pointed out that spoke refused to mention the whole vitalasy arc thing during his wormhole video.

YES!!!!! YES! I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SO MUCH. i have talked about it before, but it was in the replies to a post so i doubt anyone really saw that. you can go read the full exchange if you want but here's the meat of what i said there, lightly edited for clarity:

it's like… how can you Not resonate with zam if you're sitting there watching all of that. you're squarely in zam's head, while vitalasy is much harder to access, more obfuscated from the viewer, has less pov time. AND zam is actively misrepresenting him to you while you're trying to understand him. hmm… it's like, zam and vitalasy are the two most socially otherized figures in s4. and zam takes a lot of things out on vitalasy, turns the way people treated him back against vitalasy. and he does it in a way where he positions himself as "victim" and vitalasy as "aggressor," it says so much to me that when zam is legitimately victimized earlier in the season everyone calls him a freak for reacting to it, acts like it's his fault, mocks him. but here, when zam instead victimizes vitalasy, he's socially rewarded for it. everyone else mocks vitalasy With him. and in the end, despite wormhole being zam's lowest point by far, he's the one standing together with the rest of the server while vitalasy and subz are singled out on the other side of the circle, alone. vitalasy stands there and goes (in effect) (paraphrasing/expounding here) "i'm happy with this conclusion. i got what i wanted. it's good for me that spoke took the frontman role, played the villain when i couldn't, because i didn't want to be what spoke is." and nobody LISTENS to that, they all just keep making fun of him, saying things like "he's just going to cry about subz," going "too bad you came in second!" when he is explicitly stating that this was what he wanted! acting like his methods are inherently lesser, like he's this duplicitous person, but what SPOKE did was COOL. so it's not about the exploits, is it? it's about vitalasy. it's about vitalasy being the target zam takes all of his anger out on, the thing that allows zam to access a kind of social acceptance by distancing himself from and rejecting what vitalasy is/represents. “not letting him be true to himself because the only cool thing is violence” is really what it comes down to. this is why it's so crazy to me that eclipse was pretty much textually a romantic relationship, in a world where the only way two people can touch each other is through violence. you can say "we all sleep in the same bed," but you can't Do that, you're limited by what the game represents. if you want it to represent other things, you have to start playing pretend about it. that's always true of minecraft, but it's particularly acute on a pvp server populated primarily by teenage boys. zam being afraid of this relationship where vitalasy is trying to talk things out and compromise with him and so retreating back into violence, trying to goad vitalasy into violence, putting it back on lifesteal terms, is inextricable from his problems with the exploits rendering lifesteal's "natural" form of gameplay obsolete.

^ now you might notice that this is a pretty emotionally intense reaction. I had just finished rewatching s4 and got awfully vitalasybrained about the whole thing. which was a markedly different experience from the first time i watched s4, and found zam’s perspective much easier to access, thus taking much of her view of the world as the truth. I stand by my points here for the most part, but there’s still more to say about it.

some of that is all the stuff i get into in that last post, about the differences between spoke and vitalasy, how they play off of each other/use each other to their own ends in s4, and how zam's function as a camera is just as responsible for the position vitalasy ends up in as zam is on any direct interpersonal level. you have… many layers… of things people don’t want to talk about…. don’t know how to talk about… or, don’t want to present as part of their curated narratives.

it’s taken me forever to post this ask (it was sent on jan 10th) because i have found it impossible to come up with a concise answer. there is a lot going on here. let’s start by looking at that scene itself, The Lifesteal SMP Grand Finale, 5:58:24 - 6:15:00:

[spoke jumps in the void and /ops vitalasy.] Mapicc: Spoke, we kinda need you man. We might need you now.  Leo: I don't know about this anymore. I liked it when Spoke was flying, not Vitalasy. [vitalasy /kills everyone, attempting to bring everyone to spawn. no one understands what he’s doing.] Mapicc: Guys, everybody leave the server, don't give Vitalasy, uhh–any satisfaction. (...) Mapicc: Did we really just let Vitalasy end it? Zam: Yeah, I'm not okay with that. (...) Mapicc: Spoke just dm'd me. He said "Vitalasy and Ash have begged me for months to give them the same power. They had equal part in the creation of the exploit, and I just had better timing than them. Let's just hope they do the best with what they have." Zam: So Vitalasy and Ash both have op now. We have nothing 'cause all our items came from Spoke, so. Also, all our echests were cleared, so. I think we're more than fucked if we stay. Mapicc: You know what's crazy? At the end of the day, after all the shit Spoke talks, he still trusted Vitalasy more than us. Zam: I–that's a good point. Yeah, 'cause–that–wow. That hurts. Yeah. He–wow. Mapicc: Mhm.

note the way spoke phrases this message. vitalasy failed to do what spoke did, and then he begged spoke for that same power. this particular wording will be repeated.

a question is also raised in this exchange: it is ostensibly true that spoke trusted vitalasy more than he trusted zam and mapicc, but can it really be said that spoke trusted vitalasy? how much did spoke trust vitalasy? what does trust even mean here? we know that parrot is the only person spoke truly prioritizes in season 4; parrot opposes spoke, but he is collaborated with. vitalasy collaborates with spoke, but…

Zam: We didn't even get a screenie with like, everyone by the void!

in the ensuing chaos, vitalasy interrupts what everyone thought was the server’s final moment. everyone just wants this whole thing to be over, zam especially wants this whole thing to be over. i don’t think there’s anything vitalasy could have done at this point that would have landed. spoke hung onto his power until this last possible moment, /op-ing vitalasy only when there was nothing left to be done. If vitalasy was trying to usurp or upstage spoke, he would have been thoroughly defeated by this.

Zam: [reading a chat message] Vitalasy, mr. "I don't want to be god" Yeah, what the fuck. That's such a switch up, this entire time he's been begging for power? That's crazy. [spoke logs back on and tells everyone to join live 4. he organizes this little meeting, says “let’s give subz and vitalasy space to give their thoughts.”]

and spoke’s continued presence here is fascinating. that moment where he jumps in the void feels like it should be an ending, passing the baton to vitalasy, but that isn’t what he does. he hovers, directing the conversation. that isn’t how you handle this if you trust him. but it isn’t just that; there’s nothing left for spoke to lose, it’s all over. so he must want to hear whatever it is he thinks vitalasy has to say. 

Vitalasy: Hey guys. How's it going. How'd you like it? Was it a little thrilling, I hope? Zam: Like what? Vitalasy: The end of the season? Zam: [unenthused] It was a... crazy fight. Pretty cool. Vitalasy: Did you have fun? Zam: I'd go far enough to say so, yeah. Vitalasy: Awesome. Then I couldn't have asked for more, actually. [Zam does the thing where you zoom in on your own face in F5, looking into the camera.] Zam: Mhm. Vitalasy: I mean as Spoke said, we've been kinda orchestrating the season. Um, from the very beginning. Since the very first day, we've had access to such items, or such exploits–if you guys have any questions we're down to answer them, now that the uh, season's over and stuff. Umm. Spoke: Yo, can we like, all meet up somewhere? [Spoke teleports all of the Lifesteal members to the swamp outside of spawn.] Spoke: I wanna hear the master plan again. Zam: Oh god. Mapicc: There is no master plan. Spoke: Let's hear it, let's hear it again. Vitalasy: What–I don't know what master plan you're talking about. Mapicc: Yeah, 'cause you didn't have one. Zam: What's going on, yeah, I'm confused. Vitalasy: I just wanted everyone to have fun on the server. I missed the good old–I still do. I think–[interrupted by clutch still being banned] Spoke: Alright, keep talking, keep talking. Keep the talk. Vitalasy: I–I don't have much to say besides, I really hope you all had fun. That–that's it. That's what this game's for, that's why we play on the server. We can stop crying, moping, coping over each other. [Zam looks into the camera again.] Mapicc: You do that harder than anyone. [there's a weird, awkward silence.] Spoke: So, the console just de-opped both of you. Vitalasy: Hm? Mapicc: Parrot's on. Before he turns the server off, or does something drastic, good–[interrupted by Clutch]–shut the fuck up–oh yeah okay, you guys go. Zam: No, let Mapicc talk. Please let Mapicc talk. Please. Mapicc: Before Parrot turns off the server, or does whatever, 'cause he just got de-opped from console, good job coming in second, Vitalasy. I hope you're really glad. Vitalasy: What do you mean? Spoke: Oh my god bro. Zam: That was deep. That was deep. Mapicc: You're talking, you keep saying "we." Like you've really accomplished anything here. You turned people against each other and you go "hey guys! I really hope you had fun!" as if you planned all of this. Spoke did everything! You–you had to beg him for operator.

vitalasy showing up at the end here is pure anti-climax, of course nobody is fucking with it. and he’s kind of turning the anti-climax into the point, about how all of this only matters because they behave as if it matters, how the game itself doesn’t matter, but the people you’re playing it with do. except everyone he’s playing with is mad at him (barring itzsubz, who might be mad at princezam.) It is in fact patently absurd to walk up to a bunch of people who have spent the past several months loudly not having fun and go, i hope you had fun!

some of them probably did have fun with wormhole. but they’re counting that as spoke’s victory, something vitalasy had nothing to do with, so they’re mad at him for acting like he did. spoke’s word choice pops up again.

and then vitalasy does this, which is even funnier, because it reinforces the angle mapicc is taking here, even though it’s the wrong angle:

Vitalasy: Like I wasn't the one who gave it to him? Spoke: WOAH! WHAT THE FUCK! [continues shouting, incomprehensibly] Vitalasy: Alright buddy, calm down, calm down. From the beginning, from the beginning. Spoke: Yeah, you wanna rephrase that? Mapicc: HOW OLD ARE YOU GUYS?

this is the thing with vitalasy. he doesn’t want to do what spoke did, but he does want recognition.

Zam: I don't get this, what the hell? Mapicc: You know where humanity would be if gods acted like this, bro? How are you guys gonna call yourselves gods, you're morons. All of you. Well, except for Zam. Zam has a brain.

(funniest mapicc quote of all time. ZAM HAS A BRAIN?)

Spoke: I wanna say–I want a verbal apology, whenever, after you explain the plan. Vitalasy: No, I mean, we've been working together from the start of it, we've always been talking, no matter what side we've been on. Clutch: But how come it felt like you were in the background of it? Vitalasy: I–I don't wanna take the front and center. I don't like doing the whole–  Mapicc: [so much crosstalk happening] You weren't front and center, Vitalasy. Vitalasy: Hm? Mapicc: You–You're not... you're nowhere near as calm and collected as you say you are. Clutch: But, what did you mean by "we would all be okay?" When I called you earlier today? Vitalasy: That's for later. Clutch: LATER WHEN? WHAT? Zam: What does that mean. What does that mean. What later? WHAT LATER? Clutch: THE SERVER'S DONE. Vitalasy: Yeah. Zam: What do you mean? What? Mapicc: He doesn't know what to say. He didn't have this planned out Zam: I feel like, yeah, I feel like you just missed everything and now you're trying to like, pull something. I don't know. Clutch: You just came in and /killed all of us, and just–  Vitalasy: I was just trying to bring us back to spawn here, but. Mapicc: I think arguing is pointless. I just wanna say again, Vitalasy, good job coming in second. 'Cause if–that's what you accomplished. Vitalasy: To what? Mapicc: To Spoke! To everybody! At the end of the day, you have never been in first place, Vitalasy. Vitalasy: Why do I need to be? Mapicc: And I think it's starting to get to you. I don't think you need to be, 'cause you clearly aren't. I think you want to be, and I don't think it's gonna happen. So, go ahead and explain to us your plan, but at the end, Spoke is what–Spoke is what actually made change.

he’s fine with the role he played in comparison to spoke for a number of reasons, and one of them is the fact that he will get his video in the end regardless of all of this; whether or not you win at lifesteal doesn’t really matter if the story you’ve decided to tell is about the glitch itself more than it is about lifesteal.

but his scheme was also never something that disregarded lifesteal, even if that was how it felt to everyone else. we know that vitalasy tried to be careful in his execution of the whole thing, to keep things from being revealed too early and destroying the stakes, wanted it to be fun for the players. he isn’t without blame in things playing out the way they did, but comparing vitalasy’s side of the story with spoke’s, it really looks like spoke was actively lying to vitalasy as he went against that part of his plan.

when vitalasy initially takes the “breaking the cycle” angle with zam, it’s a combination character move and attempt at damage control (the prison was never meant to be bedrock), not something that reflects his true motivations. vitalasy wanted the game to continue; vitalasy did all of this in the first place in large part because he was trying to fix it, to re-balance it. but those attempts fail, and he is effectively pushed out of the game, reaching a point where his only real option is to ban himself because nobody is playing with him anymore. 

despite all of this, in This Exploit changed Minecraft HISTORY... vitalasy glosses over any and all possible tensions between himself and spoke: 

Vitalasy: Project Wormhole officially began on January 21st 2023. Our mission: use the exploit to increase server activity and fun. We’d accomplish this in three ways: firstly, for the next five months, we’d use the exploit to keep balance on the server, as the reason people stopped playing was because of the mass disparity between powerful and weak players. Secondly, we’d use the exploit to give players a genuine feeling of having fun playing the game. And finally, we’d create a mystery on the server, hinting at a doomsday in which we would finally destroy the server in order to prove to Mojang that this glitch had catastrophic abilities.

It’s always, “we,” “our plan,” presenting the exploiters as a united front. what stands out most about this is that he, personally, would probably look better if he pinned it all on spoke, or ash for that matter. you have a scapegoat for everything going wrong, he’s right there! you could try to absolve yourself. you could at least frame it the way spoke frames you? but in the video, things only start going wrong when 3ht finds the vault, an outside party to the exploiters as a team. he highlights the use of replay, and glosses over the actual reasons 3ht went looking; not because they were engaging with vitalasy’s game as he intended it, solving the mystery he laid out, but because they wanted to prove that he was lying to zam. of course, the tradeoff for not throwing spoke under the bus is getting to claim spoke’s successes as his own successes. and for all intents and purposes, they are.

Vitalasy: Everything was going perfectly as planned. Every day we were revealing new items or mobs to the server. And every day, the players would log on to see what was new. (...) But just when we thought our plan was secured, on March 27th, a player named PlanetLord was looking to solve the mystery of where these items were coming from. While searching for answers, he used a mod that basically lets you X-ray, and found one of the barrel stashes in which Project Wormhole was supplying from.

when he presents his own goals as shared goals, that includes his intention to patch the glitch, even though spoke didn’t know that was his ultimate goal. something he does tell zam, the one who was supposed to stay in the dark about this whole thing until the end–a fact that complicates the trust question. vitalasy, spoke, and ash were all using the exploit to completely different ends. spoke and ash’s individual goals align much better with one another than either does with vitalasy’s interests. for ash’s part, he seems to be a pure opportunist in all of this. he ends his video with the events of early february and barely mentions the wormhole proper; all he wants is the power to get a little revenge and carry out his ego trip, so it makes sense that he isn’t bothered about getting /op in the end, or interested in competing with spoke.

you have spoke’s plan, the heavy lifting involved in manipulating parrot–we know vitalasy was involved in the planning, we’re shown footage of them discussing it in calls together, testing the sign that will change the time of day and secretly pull a /gamemode, etc. vitalasy isn’t the one executing any of this but he has a vested interest in spoke’s success, since all of his plans rest on it. you have vitalasy’s plan which, aside from the part spoke wasn’t aware of, is interested in the presentation of it all; how am i telling this story? how do we reveal things over time in a way that keeps the other players invested? we get very little information on spoke’s involvement in any of this, and it would be fair to assume these things weren’t his priority. spoke cared about balancing things during wormhole, but did he care before that? vitalasy still refers to it as “our” plan even when he does acknowledge that spoke and ash went against it, but does that reflect them actually being on the same page? something tells me they weren't. If it’s true that the balancing aspects of vitalasy’s plan largely came into play post-dupe-war, in response to dupe-war, spoke must have been committed to his own plan and his own set of priorities before vitalasy laid all of this out.

details aside, not knowing that vitalasy had an ulterior motive explains why spoke wouldn’t consider that vitalasy honestly wanted him to be the frontman, even though vitalasy explicitly told him as much; why do all of this, if you didn’t want something more? he just incorrectly assumes what it is vitalasy wants.

Vitalasy: I'm... confused. You support Spoke? Spoke's plan? Zam: Yes. Yeah, that's–like, yeah. Vitalasy: Cool. I'm fine with that–  LifestealAdmin: Yo guys, can I get a word? Zam: What's up LifestealAdmin, please say whatever you want. Please, feel free. LifestealAdmin: So, uh... [bans Vitalasy and Subz] I just banned them. [everyone laughs, and applauds] Mapicc: Vitalasy, good job coming in third! Spoke: Hold on, hold on, hold on, actually–actually hold on. Let's unban Vitalasy, let's unban Subz. I actually don't want beef. I actually don't want beef. (...) Okay, I don't want beef, so I wanna hear, what–what is the–what is like, the last thing you wanna do before the server moves on to season 5. Because obviously like, I don't–I don't know, like, Parrot doesn't typically like, /op the server. Mapicc: Spoke, I want you to close the wormhole. Zam: Oh yeah true, can you get rid of everyone? Yeah. Spoke: Hey, I kinda said like, uhh, 11:59 was the end of the civilization event. Mapicc: Spoke, I want you to close the wormhole. Me and Zam joined you for one reason and one reason only, and that was for people to lose the ability to play. If there is a bunch of people on right now, it is completely against what me and–  Vitalasy: Bruh, that was literally what I was doing. Spoke: I have a–okay, I can /ban @a... yeah, that could work. Vitalasy: Dog, I was literally banning all the new players. Spoke: Yeah, okay, my bad. [Spoke bans all of the new players, and Subz and Vitalasy, and LifestealAdmin.] Spoke: Whoopsies. LifestealAdmin, I'm so sorry. [he unbans them.] Spoke: Okay, final–final plan. Vitalasy, Subz. I–I just wanna hear it. Because, I think–uh, from my perspective–from my perspective of all of this, like, we both had an equal hand in discovering, like, the exploit. I mean, we've joined calls with the–the literal, like, creator of it, that has spent the past like, two years of their life like, learning about it, exploring it. And, I mean, we pushed the boundaries of it together. We took it from what was once just a little like–like, chat visual glitch, to an actual like, physical, game breaking glitch. And, I mean, I can–like–I can't thank you enough for that. But, I knew when I first found it–I–and when I first learned the possibilities of it, that only one could get op. Vitalasy: Yep. Spoke: Now, with that being said, I wanna hear your final goal with all of this.

let’s pivot for a second. here’s exactly what spoke has to say about this scene in complete wormhole breakdown, 57:40 - 1:02:10:

Spoke: The two things I have not explained so far is, the dynamics between the rest of the players, and Vitalasy and Subz. And Ashswag. Now I also removed this from the final cut, but this was originally going to be a major plot point in the video, and I still actually don't know the full truth of it, and that's why I removed it, because I still don't understand the full reality of it. Spoke:  But, I am honestly under the assumption that Vitalasy was working with Parrot in the finale. That may sound like a crazy conspiracy, and it probably is, 'cause I don't think he actually did, but I fully believed he did. (...) Yeah, I fully believed that–[reading a chat message] I mean Parrot asked Vitalasy to help? YES! YEAH, I REMEMBERED–yeah, okay, yeah. I also–so, during, when I first got op, like the days after, Vitalasy was constantly messaging me to also get op. And now, I’ll give him credit, like, Vitalasy was the reason why I even found the exploit in the first place, and was the person who got me in contact with Silicat, but the reason why I didn’t give him op, and I told him like, oh it’s just like a safety hazard you know, like I’ll make sure to give you guys op in the very end, like, that’s what I told him, and I told Ash the same thing, but Ash was more like, he was like “okay, I get that.” He’s like, “as long as you can give me the force, like, wands i’m fine with that.” So, Ash was really chill.  Spoke: But Vitalasy on the other hand–Vitalasy, because he, I also didn’t say this, but in May 1st, Parrot reveals to me that Vitalasy did, um, help him with the ban thing. And Vitalasy never told me about it! Vitalasy never told me that Parrot and him were like, working together. And when Parrot told me about this, I assumed it was just used to like, to convince me to stop working with them, but that’s where I realized later that, Parrot and Vitalasy were probably in cahoots. They were probably–what was probably happening was, Parrot was trying to get Vitalasy to get op, so that then I’d show him to like, the control room, he can see all my repeating command blocks, and then once he can remove all of that, he could take me off the server. And… I knew /op-ing vitalasy would probably be the one way I would get defeated. So, that’s why Vitalasy never got op, and there was a lot more points, especially after the vault was found, where I was definitely consider–considering leaving the team entirely, to focus on May 1st myself. But I knew if I left the team, then the exploit would get out there, Vitalasy–or, Parrot would learn the truth, and then it would just… not work. (...) Spoke: This was also where I /opped Vitalasy and like, Subz and Ash. But… I wasn’t really… I don’t even wanna talk about this. I’m kinda tired, I don’t really wanna talk about this. ‘Cause then, they started just like killing everybody and banning people and then this final convo happens where they… uh, I dunno. It’s weird. It’s a little–it’s weird. I don’t really like this. I–I even messaged Parrot to hop on LifestealAdmin and ban them. And he proceeded to do that and it was really funny.

so, what was spoke expecting in this moment? what did he want vitalasy to say? presumably, he was looking for a reveal. he wanted to be proven right, that he shouldn’t have trusted vitalasy, that it was never collaboration. the exploit is like a loaded gun on the table, neither spoke nor vitalasy can take the other out of the picture without destroying the chance to see their respective projects through, only vitalasy needs spoke, and past a certain point spoke really doesn’t need vitalasy (though again, where might he have been without someone else to take the fall?). but spoke correctly guesses that vitalasy isn't telling him everything, and he doesn’t understand that vitalasy requires his success in order to succeed himself, so he plays against him. you could in turn say that spoke is the one being played, but that’s the wrong way to look at it, we’ve been thinking on spoke’s terms here. vitalasy presents them as a united front.

Vitalasy: I mean, as I gained the powers more and more, from you, and from the barrels, and all that, I realized it's... not that fun. To have it all. To have /op? To have everything? There's no difference. It doesn't–it doesn't make the game any more fun, and– 

of course spoke has no idea what to do with this. "I don’t really like this. It was weird." yeah, i bet it was weird, mr. "and that feeling... was pretty cool." 

and it still leaves the question, if it isn’t fun, why did you want it so bad? for this? to make a point? to prove something to yourself, to try to prove something about yourself to everyone else? …to prove that you’re better than i am?

in this regard, vitalasy is a fundamental threat to his power. not just being–in spoke’s own words–the only thing that could have defeated him in the end, if he did get op and choose to use it against him, but–assuming his fears were unfounded–in the fact that spoke was wrong to consider vitalasy a threat. that vitalasy only earnestly wanted him to succeed, was really only playing at opposing him. that at the end of the day, vitalasy wanted something different from what spoke wanted. 

an extrapolation: you are working with him but you know, in the back of your mind, that you have to beat him to the finish line. you reveal the exploits earlier than he wants, knowing it will lessen his chances and aid your own. In the end, you discover that it was never even a race.

Zam: So why'd you do it?  Vitalasy: I never wanted, I never wanted to be the one to take down the server, to be the tyrant, or any of that.

this is where vitalasy fails to fully articulate himself. he dodges zam’s question entirely. how do you gain enough of that power to realize you didn’t want it, if you never wanted it in the first place? i think we’re all familiar with the defense mechanism which supposes a realization as having happened sooner than it really did, allowing you to have never been wrong in the first place. he’s a little more forthcoming in Season 4 Is Over!, 31:00:

Vitalasy: I realized like, a few things this season. One thing is like, I learned a bunch about myself. Like, and who I want to be for future seasons. Another thing was like, I remember end of season 3, I was like "oh my god, I've never been the bad guy. I've never like, tasted the feeling of being a villain. And... once we had exploits, and had everything, all the power in the world, it... it just felt like nothing. Hah. And I mean, luckily Spoke is the one to take it to the extreme. But you and I stayed pretty chill on this, and–  Subz: We did have every opportunity ever to do exactly what Spoke did. Vitalasy: Yeah, we literally had access to the same exact items to get operator as well, so like. Subz: Yep. Vitalasy: I don't know. That just says something to myself, about who I am. Like, I can't believe I did that. If I told myself like a year ago, in season 4 you're gonna get op, you're gonna have the ability to get op? I would have taken it and gone crazy. But here we are. Like, barely used it, up until the very end.  Subz: I guess we just don't like exploits. We're just anti-exploiters. Vitalasy: Nah–no, no, I think–I wanted–I always had the idea of like, only use exploits if other people are using a worse exploit, basically. And it's funny, I think I told you this, like... they, Baconwaffles–like, Solar Union, um... and the entire server was mad at us and targeted us for having an exploit. Even though we were using that exploit to defend ourselves, against larger exploits to come. Yet, here we are with the larger exploits. And because I–we had gotten rid of so much of it, we weren't able to help as much. Subz: It was too late. Vitalasy: I just think it's ironic, and it's–ahh... lesson learned, I guess. Subz: Lesson learned.

here vitalasy admits that he did set out to be the “tyrant.” he wanted to know how it felt, and he got his answer. everyone knows that he did, intuitively, because it was obvious–and he had (obliquely) admitted the same to zam, before.

but that still isn’t a complete explanation. during wormhole, vitalasy is still suffering from the strange results of his attempt to split his in-game and out-of-game motives down the middle. It allows him to say completely contradictory things–i set out to be the bad guy, but i was only ever using the exploits for good, in self defense!–and mean them on some level, even though to everyone else it reads as nothing but lies–but if this is all he has to offer in the end, what were the lies in service to? why did he do all of this? and he still can’t explain it even if he wanted to, because the video he did it all for isn’t out yet. he’s still trapped in the web of stupid problems he’s created for himself even as he’s trying to explain how much he learned from said problems, and how different it’s made him.

everyone involved understands, on some level, that whatever vitalasy was trying to do has already fallen apart, but he’s standing here acting like he’s won something. they don’t understand how spoke’s victory can also be his victory. they are misidentifying what it is that has failed, and they’re missing the fact that, though he could have never known going in, he needed it to fail more than he needed it to succeed. that this is a victory of its own.

while everything is still going to plan, spoke’s role as the one orchestrating the wormhole makes it possible for vitalasy to play a character who will fight against it, and once everything starts falling apart, spoke’s presence is what allows him to step back and ban himself and get excited for the wormhole despite it all. this means that even before he’s experienced the full consequences of having set himself up to play the villain and failing to follow through, he still tends towards framing himself as somehow justified/right/good. It’s just that it changes over time from something he thinks is serving a dramatic reveal into something he needs to be the truth. i don’t know how vitalasy expected the server to react to him, or to his character, or to the revelation of his character as a construct–we know he wanted it to be fun, wanted things to unfold in such a way where the spirit of the game remained intact, but the original trajectory of it all makes him look so much worse than his failures do; lying to zam the entire time, knowing that zam might betray in the end and stringing her along anyway. 

the way vitalasy describes it in that behind the scenes video, he’s describing the videos he wanted to make. in phase 5, in my video, i’ll explain everything. but when do the other players find out? would this moment, the end of the wormhole, have been that reveal for them? look, i had all of this power and i only used it for good. but now there’s nothing left to reveal. you gave it all away, and all that’s left is yourself.

vitalasy was already placed in a position where there was nothing he could do to convince anyone of anything, for reasons largely beyond anyone’s control. if he could have just committed to playing the villain, it might have fixed everything. It would have given the bedrock prison a purpose, at least. but he couldn’t, because it would require compromising his own needs. and even if he had, they still would have been mad at him–there was no winning. If there was no spoke figure there to keep the plan in motion, if it was just vitalasy, things would have been much worse. vitalasy would have been infinitely more trapped in that position and if he had still refused it, there would have been no finale to deliver some sort of payoff.

as such, spoke and ash revealing everything too early is the pivot point that simultaneously destroys everything and saves vitalasy, in a weird way. It forces him to be honest with zam, to have to try and make it work anyway. to be himself, instead of maintaining the character split. It makes sense that vitalasy isn’t mad about it. it had to happen. the trajectory he was on wasn’t working.

season 4 is lifesteal as a system working against itself. they're being held hostage by the audience, by the secrets that have to be kept from the audience, and by the fact that they are people trying to function on narrative rules. some of them are manipulating each other for real; some of them are backpedaling on that trajectory hard and not being believed, because of the true potential to be manipulated for real. no one can explain anything to each other, there’s no pre-negotiation, no trust, no one can ask for what they want. you might hope that, having reached the final moment of it all, this would stop being true. but it doesn’t. no one is able to articulate it. they just keep on talking past each other. vitalasy tries to articulate it, but he can’t get all the way there.

[LifestealAdmin whispers to Zam: I'm having a LOT of fun!!!! :) x4] Vitalasy: Anyways, I'm very glad that I could be, you know–that you could have taken that role for me. [silence, for a moment.] Mapicc: That said, what is the plan? Vitalasy: Ummm, Minecraft? Clutch: Let's have a minecraft party! Vitalasy: You guys can move on to the new server if you want, but personally? I'd just like to go fishing with my friends. There doesn't need to be some big ending, why don't we just play? How we want to play? Mapicc: Because it's already way far past fishing peacefully in Minecraft right now. Look around you. Zam: I don't–yeah, no, this place is so messed up. I don't know how you could try to stay here.  Vitalasy: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. You guys can move on. LifestealAdmin: Boys, boys, I'm gonna be honest bro, like, I just think everybody's rationale is dookie booty, see you next season, boys. [Everyone is banned. Zam laughs.] Mapicc: You know what Zam, does that count? I'll take that. Zam: Does that count? That does count, yeah.

vitalasy’s wormhole video is, as far as i know, the only video to include this scene at all. It’s the final piece of lifesteal footage shown, before vitalasy ends it talking about how he succeeded in getting the glitch patched. we get one line of dialogue from vitalasy, and then it cuts away–knowing, having seen it, that this is because there’s nothing else of it he could have included without calling the rest of the video into question. not just the parts that make himself look better, all of it. he would have to acknowledge the fact that he’s tying it all up in a bow and the bow doesn’t fit right.

Vitalasy: As players flooded the server I smiled with glee, knowing that this was not only about to be the end of the server, therefore forcing us all to make a new server and start fresh, but also the ending of Project Wormhole. I fought against the wormhole with the other players to make the event fair, but the doomsday continued as planned. As hours went by, totems were removed, hearts were taken, and effects were cleared, all to build up to the moment when we could finally /stop the server for good. But the more I fought against the wormhole, the more I found myself… not… having fun. While the players had a goal, to survive the wormhole event, because I knew everything, I didn’t really know what to do. I could have continued mindlessly going into battle against the wormhole, but at the time, that simply didn’t seem enjoyable. For so long I had hidden behind the curtains of my great project, and now watching it unfold, I had no role to play. So seeing my best friend next to me, just as lost as I was, for the first time in eleven months, I decided to put the wormhole project aside.  [cut to recording; the end of their confrontation with zam, decontextualized.] Vitalasy: Why don’t we just log off? Don’t you remember like, the good old days? Days of minecraft. Building, just… playing minecraft. [cut] Subz: why the hell does it matter what other people want. Or, not really like that but like– Vitalasy: No, I get what you mean. We are doing what we want for us. Subz: Yeah, yes, yes. That’s what I meant. [back to voiceover] Vitalasy: So we waited and watched, as the server we used to care about crumbled. Because in the end it didn’t matter, server or not. We learned what mattered most. That's why we made Project Wormhole; to end the server while bringing its players closer together. Us included.

that’s why we made project wormhole; to end the server while bringing its players closer together. us included. 

[PARROT STARED AT ME, AS HE REALIZED: I DIDN’T JUST EXPLOIT A GAME, I EXPLOITED A FRIENDSHIP I HAD BUILT OVER YEARS. VIDEO AFTER VIDEO, I LIED ABOUT THE EXPLOITS, I LIED ABOUT THE STORY, I LIED ABOUT THE NPPP TO ARTIFICIALLY CREATE HIS PURPOSE. I LIED TO THE VIEWERS, I LIED TO MY FRIENDS, I LIED TO GET TO THIS PLACE, THE ONE PLACE THAT WAS DEEMED IMPOSSIBLE. BUT THE TRUTH IS? THAT ANYBODY COULD HAVE ABUSED THE WORMHOLE. BUT NOBODY COULD HAVE DONE WHAT I HAD ACHIEVED.]

and spoke thinks, why did you forgive me? I thought you’d hate me for it. but you don’t.

princezam says: you aren’t allowed to forgive me. 

vitalasy thinks: i wish you would forgive me. I wish you would forgive yourself.

vitalasy and subz stand there after she leaves and they say, maybe it was only ever meant to be the two of us–vitalasy bookends this same scene, decontextualized, with the sentiment that he and subz were brought together through all of this.

….at what cost? what a hollow win condition. It wasn’t about that. 

we’re doing what we want for us. and it is selfish, by some measures. by zam’s measures, and maybe by everyone else’s too, what vitalasy does in season 4 is selfish. the wormhole is, on the parts of everyone involved, a scheme prioritizing their stories over everyone else's in true lifesteal fashion, declaring narrative control, orchestrating the shape of an entire season; a year of everyone’s lives. vitalasy could not end further from where he began: there is no climax to my story, there is no twist ending, there’s just me. he set it all up with the intention of there being those things, and in the videos where he can gain back distance and narrative control, maybe there is. but over the course of season 4 it all unravels, until it’s just him. and isn’t this the same lesson zam had to learn with eclipse? that you can’t compromise yourself? that you might end up in a situation and realize that it’s not what you want, and have to find a way to get yourself out of it. even an inelegant one. It isn’t just vitalasy creating a role that zam can’t fill, it’s zam doing it back at him, too, building on the framework until the whole thing collapses for both of them. how do you explain the realization that you don’t want what you thought you wanted, but that all of the time wasn’t wasted, because you had to go through it to get where you are now, even though you would never do it again? you don’t. tie it up in a bow.

a contradiction: the server isn’t what matters, the people are what matters, but we refuse to give it up–we’ll be back. and what’s with his fixation on the day one fishing spot, anyway? this juxtaposition where it can be both the site of the exploit’s discovery and the epitome of normal minecraft the way vitalasy talks about it, some sort of threshold. what would that moment have been without the exploit, is that the question? no, because vitalasy doesn’t regret doing it. he needed to do this, to learn from it. but now he’s done. why does vitalasy want to revisit that originary moment–a moment spent with the other exploiters? us included. why does he want to stay in the world, explore its ruins, build an ugly house, hang all of his sentimental items on the wall? vitalasy and subz talk about zam like they don’t want to remember her, and she’s absent from these final videos, but she gets hung on the wall too.

two years later, princezam says: i need to forgive myself through you.

the locus of tension in the final eclipse argument–part and parcel with the things people will refuse to talk about, moving forward–is on the fact that zam hates herself and what she’s done and the situation she’s found herself in, but she won’t actually do anything to make it better. it takes her two years afterwards to even begin to work it out. that scene is the climax of their personal stories in season 4 and it amounts to vitalasy, having been changed so dramatically in large part because of the effect zam had on him, running into the fact that she is rejecting that same kind of change in favor of taking her anger out on the world and with it, herself. she wants to leave it behind, and she wants to forget it happened. spoke, for his part, seems to take about the same amount of processing time on all of this that zam does.

this final scene is just a nail in a coffin. people talking past each other. at that moment in time, vitalasy and the rest of lifesteal rendered incapable of understanding each other.

Zam: I'll talk to Bacon about it. (...) Maybe I can talk to Mapicc about it. [pause] ugh, but then I'm scared that they're gonna be like–nah, cause like, I don't–I don't wanna talk to someone about it and then they'll just be like, yeah, no, Vitalasy was like, evil. And then it's like–cause like–everyone–everyone on the server at that point strongly believed that he was, right? I don't know.

how do you talk about that? first, you just don’t understand it. you cannot seem to grasp what he’s telling you, nothing to be done with it. later… maybe you would understand it. but it’s been so much time, and admitting you were wrong is really one of the hardest things in the world (and telling someone else that they were wrong might be harder still).

[littlevices]

What is this man!? Or: Me Overthinking Reigen's Fighting Ability, lol

Reigen Arataka. 28 years old. Used to be a normal salaryman. Runs Spirits and Such Consultations and is the self-proclaimed "Greatest Psychic of the Twenty-First Century.

Where did he learn to dropkick a bitch?

No, seriously. Where did he learn half the shit he does. Sure, you can explain his punches as something he can learn with his green belt, but not the fact that not only did he dropkick someone, he rebounded and landed on his feet. That is almost some Dimple level acrobatics for someone without any supernatural abilities or enhancements.

Sure, we can chalk it up to anime logic all we want, but that's not as fun, so I'm going to ramble and overthink instead. (As I do.)

Disclaimer: Some spoilers for later events in the show.

Okay, so. Reigen has a surprisingly large repertoire of skills. Some of this I can chalk up to his family life.

His father is apparently a local politician/civil servant, his mother a housewife, and his sister a bank employee.

Clearly Reigen gets his speech skills from his father, and maybe some of his other tricks, like using rice as glue, may even be from his mother. Granted I'm probably stretching that a bit. He could have just as easily learned that from trying to save money, lol.

We also know he didn't fit in while in school, which, as we all know, can lead to instances of bullying. Whether that bullying is physical or not, who knows. All I've seen looking around is that he apparently got skipped over when it came to games and stuff, but there could have been more to it.

Where am I going with this? You'll see.

So, the green belt. We know from season one that Reigen specifically says he has a green belt in shorinji kenpo. Now, I will be the first to admit I don't know much of anything about martial arts on a deep level. I can, however, do some quick research *cough* google *cough* (Do you think Reigen would be proud of me, lol).

According to what I've found, a green belt in a number of martial arts can be anywhere from beginner to a beginner-intermediate or even intermediate level. It depends on the martial art of course, but I think also the school. The same seems to apply to what I could find on shorinji kenpo. Or Kempo, because that's what I keep finding, someone please correct me if need be. I think people have also called it Xiaolin Martial Arts, which I also took a brief look at, but the concept appears similar there as well. Now, let's give Reigen the benefit of the doubt considering what we've seen him actually do, and assume the man went to a pretty decent school. A green belt is clearly not a master level or even a high level belt. If anything, though, this means the man can handle a regular petty thug just fine, and we've seen that. The seance scene in season 1 by itself proves that easily.

However, it's the other stuff that makes me wonder.

Again, this man drop kicked a dude, an esper that was currently using his power by the way, then rebounded off him to land on his feet. Beyond the dropkick itself, which from what I understand is impractical in a fight, he also rebounded. Rebounding can be hard to do off a stationary object, let alone a person. Yet here Reigen is, doing it causally off an esper that controls gravity.

His punches are also pretty damn devastating. Again, he can knock people out. He did this during the seance, but then tried it on Muraki. While he didn't knock him out, he definitely did some damage.

Not only would he need to be strong to do this, he'd also need to be fast. He's also fast enough that someone like Suzuki had to make a clone of himself to dodge Reigen's fist, rather than block or just dodge it normally. Either Suzuki was feeling extra that day (much to Sho's chagrin) or Reigen caught him off guard enough he actually had to use his powers.

This brings me to the next point.

Reigen knows how to hold a gun.

No, no. Wait, hear me out. Yes, I know it's a toy gun, but it is still a toy gun supped up on psychic energy. Not only does Reigen hold it nice and steady, he's got some damn good aim. That shot went for Suzuki's face or at least his throat.

Now, granted, I hear airsoft is a popular past time in Japan, so maybe that's where some of it comes from, which is still pretty neat.

He also didn't hesitate to shoot. One look at Mob and he pulled the trigger. Suzuki got one warning before that, and he didn't even get the chance to defy it before Reigen shot. Now, Reigen is a smart man, he probably figured the gun wouldn't work, but damn if he didn't try. Honestly, he was probably panicking and kicking himself on the inside, but he certainly didn't show it.

There's also the fact that, when you look, Reigen almost always instinctively knows to protect his head and neck when he gets thrown around. It's probably the most obvious in the Mogami fight when he gets picked up and slammed, but you can see it in the final episode as well when getting flung around by ???'s tornado.

This man has either gotten enough sparring that he knows to do this on instinct, or he's been in enough scraps that he's had no choice but to learn or get concussed. Also, in the Mogami arc, Reigen tries to stop Mogami (in Minor's body) by kicking him in the head. Mogami was moving very fast, but Reigen's kick did land.

Too bad it was Mogami and not any one else because it might have worked.

He also knows a couple knee strikes, which again was used on a moving target.

Now, let's step back and bring up Reigen's family again. There's always the possibility that Reigen got his green belt young due to his father's occupation. Now, that might only apply if his father was a rather important one, but still something to consider. It could have also been in self-defense if the bullying he faced in school got physical. I personally think Reigen got his green belt at an older age, earliest highschool, but obviously there's nothing to back that up. It also makes me wonder just how many of his clients have gotten violent, because while he did flinch at the knife during the seance, he also didn't hesitate to deck the dude.

This doesn't even bring up the fact that Reigen knows all kinds of massage techniques (I heard that his family wanted him to be a massage therapist, but I don't know if it was said where that information came from), psychology, his ability to cold read people, and everything else this man does.

Granted, a lot of his effectiveness comes from him being smart and charismatic. This man is a manipulator and thank god he's got morals because holy hell the damage he could do being able to manipulate Mob.

Or the damage Mob could do if anything serious happened to Reigen. >.>;

All in all, I think Reigen has gotten into way more scraps than is suggested. I feel as if he might have had a rougher life at school than what little hints we've gotten. That whole thing with the Separation Arc felt kind of like him projecting onto Mob, but I could be wrong. Personally, I headcanon Reigen as being something of a truant and/or delinquent (or at least a gremlin) when he was younger, but that's just me, lol. I do think he's had a rougher go of it than he likes to tell, though.

I know I didn't cover absolutely everything here, like Shimazaki, and that there's probably more context or something in the manga, but this post was already long enough and I haven't read the manga in full yet so apologies if there is missing context.. If you made it to the end of this post, I want to both thank you, but also apologize for my long winded rambling, lol. I just - Have no idea what to make of Reigen and all that he does. It doesn't help that a lot of his backstory is fairly non-existent. We only know tidbits about this conman, but I guess that's part of what makes him interesting.

Well, hopefully you had fun reading this post as much as I had making it. I know most of this can probably be just anime logic, but I had looking into it at least! If this wasn't a world of espers, Reigen would probably fairly formidable in a fight, on a physical level anyway. He's already like that on several others already, lol. This sweaty rat just always seems to grab my attention. . .

[sokkastyles]

Hi,

Hope you are doing well.

I saw the ask about Aang's choice to spare Ozai not being well received. It got me thinking about something I had heard in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. In a scene where Nick Fury and Captain America discuss the latter's actions during WW2, Fury says that Cap and his team did some nasty stuff. Cap accepts that, but also says that they did it so people could be free.

The point from this was that in a war, everyone who is involved in the war may have to make choices that goes against their morals, because sometimes its a necessity. So, when Sokka or Zuko are labelled as "bloodthirsty" because they want Ozai killed, its because they see it as something necessary to stop the war. It also reflects that they have had to adapt to survive a war torn world, or even Jet. I doubt Jet wanted to do those actions that he did, but he must have felt that they were necessary. This is something I think Aang doesn't fully understand.

I would like your thoughts on this.

You don't have to take my word for it, it's canon that Jet wanted to change.

It's also canon that Aang does not understand the reality of violence and never takes it seriously up until the end of the show when he realizes that he may have to kill Ozai and panics because he has never learned how to take it seriously. I have a hard time taking him seriously as a pacifist because so often, his attitude towards violence is just childish, and this is something he never grows out of. We see it in the Deserter and the Avatar State when Katara tries to warn him to be careful with his own capacity for violence, and it shows up again in the finale when Zuko tries to explain to him the importance of properly redirecting lightning and he blows it off because he thinks Katara can just heal him.

And Katara is usually the one tasked with trying to teach Aang the consequences of this, and often the one who gets hurt because of it. So Aang thinking that Katara will just take care of it for him shows that he hasn't learned anything and will continue to place that burden on Katara, to her detriment.

This is also why I can't see Aang as anything but hypocritical when he tries to lecture Katara, of all people, about nonviolence in The Southern Raiders.

And then they never have Aang have that moment where he is forced to reckon with the consequences of violence. They give him a way out that isn't revealed until the second he pulls it out of his pocket.

The problem is not that Aang is unwilling to use violence, it's that he has no real understanding of the reality of it. Both when it's used against him and when he's using it. He's never forced to reckon with how his carelessness with his own power hurts Katara (multiple times), he says some very callous things to Zuko about how his abuser is "still a human being," tells Katara to forgive her mother's murderer, and even in the finale he doesn't take it seriously when Zuko tells him very bluntly that there's a good chance he may be killed.

So, why did the show give this trait to Aang if they weren't going to have him learn from it? My guess is that they wanted to, but didn't know how to, because they are white people who themselves don't fully understand a Buddhist view of pacifism, combined with them writing themselves into a corner and not knowing how to resolve it. That's why people call the lion turtle a deus ex machina, and it has all the hallmarks of when a deus ex machina is used clumsily, including the narrative not revealing it until the last second that Aang went into the battle having already had the solution.

And like, Winter Soldier is overall a darker show than ATLA, so of course I don't expect the protagonists of ATLA to act like grizzled war vets. But that's also why people need to stop acting like Aang made the choice not to kill Ozai "because of his culture" or that the show is saying anything profound about pacifism.

[not-gray-politics]

It's been a while but I do want to address this, because forgive me if I'm misinterpreting this, but let me ask you something: I'm transmasc. (Genderfluid with a masc lean). I don't bring this up often here, but I grew up in a misogynistic cult, where i was taught the most rancid aspects of purity culture and had my autonomy taken away from me for roughly 20 years. I didn't get to cut my hair or wear pants for the first time until about 2 years ago. Even now, regardless of if i bind or cut my hair extra short or wear masc clothes, I don't pass as a man. Queer, but not a man. Most transmascs I've met also don't pass as cis, hrt and surgery are pretty damn hard to get in this economy. Some of them don't even care about passing! It's a very individual thing.

Tell me- How have I, by being masc, benefitted from the patriarchy? How am I privileged for being male?When I'm a man, what do I get out of it?

A non-conclusive list of people that I wouldn't say get the full extent of "male privilege" and/or "protection from consequences":

Transmascs who don't pass

Gay men who don't align with cultural expectations of masculinity

Poc whose culture or expression doesn't align with white standards of masculinity

Transmascs who pass but grew up being viewed/treated as women

Transmascs whose identity is fluid or nuanced (bigender, genderfluid, genderqueer, nonbinary men, etc.) And not limited to one part of the binary

Gnc men

Masc lesbians

Fat men

Intersex men

Trans women who pass as male but haven't come out yet

Anyone with more than one the above identities that overlap with eachother

Do some of them still get some amount of privilege? Sure, maybe. I'm not denying that male privilege exists! I've experienced the worst parts of the patriarchy firsthand! But when you assume that all provilege is equally applicable, and that all privileged individuals have yet to challenge or confront their privilege, that all of them are simply terrible or stupid or dangerous without exception.... not only are you, again, reinforcing the binary in a way that's harmful, as I've already explained; you're excluding a massive part of the queer community, and you're refusing a space for victims of the patriarchy to discuss what they've gone through or bring solidarity to the cause. Men can be victims of this shit too. A lot of men go through relentless harassment and assault for being men """wrong""", and they deserve a place in our community too. They don't deserve to be lumped in with their harassers and assaulters or excluded purely on the basis of "men are icky".

I understand if someone personally doesn't want to interact with men due to their own personal trauma, but framing the idea of gender seperationism as morally correct or proclaiming yourself a "proud misandrist" like the people I originally referred to often do, is an entirely different issue and should be called out when we see it.

Hey I'm just gonna say it. A lot of you in the sapphic community have "terfs dni" in your bio while repeating terf rhetoric that keeps trans men in the closet and bi women ashamed. And you need to reflect on that.

There is no "men are inherently biologically bad" argument you can make that doesn't lend itself to terf rhetoric and misogyny. Adding a "but like, trans girls don't count ☆" or "except the gays ♡" or "except my transmasc boyfriend [I'm going to subtly or unsubtly imply he doesn't count as a real man whether I realize it or not]" does not suddenly make it a progressive argument. [Especially you fuckers who adapt it to mean "actually all trans women are good and pure and innocent and all trans men are dirty evil misogynists just like cis men". You are doing active damage to the trans community. You are not an ally. You're doing toxic gender roles. Fuck off.]

Bioessentialism will never serve the queer community. I don't care if you make minor adaptations to it to make it seem nicer and less bigoted. It will always serve to harm trans people, divide people into a binary, and maintain misogynistic ideas that men are inherently evil and therefore can't be held responsible for their actions, that women have to take the responsibility for "protecting themselves" instead of believing that men can and should change so that no one needs protecting.

It's a lack of belief in feminism's ability to meaningfully change or solve anything and I'm tired of everyone acting like it's not.

[eff-plays]

"Lmao EA thinks Veilguard failed because it wasn't a live service. Are they fucking stupid?"

This is a charitable take ^^^^ This is an EXTREMELY charitable take, and let me explain why.

EA wants a live service game. They want it BAD. They know nobody else wants it, but that doesn't matter. They want it, because to them, it's infinite money. If they just keep throwing devs at it, no matter the devs' actual passion or areas of expertise, they believe they'll hit the jackpot. When you have almost-infinite money to throw at a problem until it spits out the final infinite-money glitch? That's what you do.

When Destiny dropped and did big fat numbers back in the day, EA got so hard they couldn't think, looked over what devs they had locked in their basement, and picked out BioWare as their lab rat. BioWare just finished Mass Effect, right? That was some sci-fi bullshit, just like Destiny! Make them make another Destiny. But by the time it came out, it was too late. People were tired of the genre, and Anthem was so nothing and made by devs who couldn't care less, so it fizzled out like a wet fart. Alright, that was a big fail, but hey!! Inquisition made big money, so get BioWare on another live service, this time maybe fantasy-flavored? Except oops, looks like we used up all the goodwill with Anthem and people are really pissed about us making Dragon Age, an exclusively single-player game, multiplayer. Ugh. Okay. Fine. Scrap that, I guess. Gotta save face, for now. Let's um. Yes, let's just axe some devs from this, ya know, we gotta make money too right? Can't spend TOO MUCH on a singleplayer game. Oh no!!! It came out and it sucked?? Well, obviously it's not OUR fault. The game is as good as it could have been under the circumstances ... you know, not being a live service game. We wanted it to be live service, gamers, but YOU said it should've been singleplayer! And now it failed to meet expectations! See? We told you! Alas, if only it'd been a multiplayer live service instead ...

Look. They know. They're fully aware and they can very much hear and see all the criticisms thrown at Veilguard, and at live service games in general. The problem isn't that they don't get what gamers want, it's that they don't CARE. They want infinite money, and to them, having one good live service is so much more valuable than having a bunch of little one-off sale games. Do you understand?

"But BG3 and Elden Ring and etc etc made so much money and it was singleplayer!!" Yeah, but did they make Fortnite money? Did they make INFINITE money? No. They didn't. EA. Wants. Infinite. Money.

And they want to keep trying to get that one infinite money glitch, so that little comment about "oughough if only it'd been a live service game" isn't a misunderstanding of what players want or a poorly-thought-out argument: it's propaganda. They're trying to twist Veilguard failing into a justification for why their next game will once again be an attempt at a live service game. "See? You guys wanted singleplayer but then it failed 😔 We simply CAN'T justify making another singleplayer game, not when it SELLS SO POORLY. It's okay though, WE know what people ACTUALLY want, and we'll do it next time :)"

It doesn't matter to them how many single-player games must fail and how many devs must be sacrificed, how many players must be upset and alienated, because if they hit that infinite money glitch ONCE, if they get ONE Fortnite ... Then none of it will matter.

So yeah. This isn't stupidity. It's plain and simple greed.

[fuctacles]

If you saw the snippets where i fucked up the timeline no u didnt.

<< 16 | 0 | 18 >>

"What's his name?" Steve asks, playing with the bunny's paw. The only time he let go of him since last night was to use the bathroom.

"Frankenbunny," Eddie answers, and smiles when Steve snorts after hearing it. "My grandma made him from fabric scraps grandpa would bring from work. I've made the vest, though." He stretches and blinks his eyes open properly, in time to see Steve's impressed expression.

"Really?"

"Well, Wayne helped," he added. "It's actually made from the same jacket I turned into my vest." 

"Oh, that's so cool!" Steve turns the bunny around to take a better look at the details. The tiny vest even has frayed edges and Dio stitched on the back. "You guys match."

Eddie snorts. 

"Yeah, we're both full of stitches," he points out dryly. 

Steve hums, pressing the toy closer to his face. It's something he's done before sleep, too, but last night Eddie wrote it off as a drunken mirage.

"And both pretty handsome fellas," he says, face half-hidden behind the bunny. He opens one eye, looking from under his eyelashes shyly, trying to gauge Eddie's reaction. 

Which, Eddie would love to know and understand as well.

"Oh, I don't know," he shrugs, reaching out to poke at Frankenbunny's face. "He doesn't have the signature Munson dimples." When in doubt, joke, as the Denial Decalogue says. 

Steve hums. 

"Yeah, I guess he can't hold a candle to the real thing. Not as talkative, for one."

Eddie can't help but stare, still leaning over his friend as he processes what he's heard. 

"You like my constant yapping?" he asks in surprise. Even his uncle seems tired of it, at times. Only his players appreciate his word flow, but that's with benefit to them.

"Of course." Steve focuses his attention back on the toy. "When you talk, I don't have to, I can just listen. And that's good because I tend to say some stupid shit," he says, almost absentmindedly. "This way, I'm not the dumb one in the room for once."

The casual innocence of his voice makes the meaning of his words miss Eddie completely until the air waves hit his other ear. 

"Oh, you little..."

As Steve's cheeky smirk grows, he pounces. 

Frankenbunny falls away, the hands holding him now focused on guarding all the ticklish spots. 

"Eddie!" Steve laughs, trying to grasp his wrists and squirm away. "We need to be quiet." 

"Should have though of it before being a brat!" Eddie grins at him, doubling his efforts and moving to pin him in place. 

Steve makes a distressed sound and writhes under him, bending hard enough it dislodges Eddie off of him but also, off the bed. He falls down with a surprised squeak.

"Sorry!" Steve barely suppresses his laugh when he looks down at him. "You alright?"

"No," Eddie groans, splayed on the floor. "I got back-stabbed."

"The dramatics are intact, you'll be fine," he rolls his eyes and steps over him. Eddie makes an even more wounded sound, but Steve ignores him, choosing to look for something comfy to wear instead. He throws a tshirt that doesn't smell of barbecue at Eddie's face, mistakenly assuming that's it—they are going to leave his bedroom and start on breakfast for the others. 

Wrong.

As soon as he has a pick of clothes in his hand, and is trying to get to the bathroom, Eddie grabs his ankle. He makes an undignified yelp and lands on the other boy. Which, serves him well. 

They roll on his carpet in an impromptu wrestling match, grinning at each other and muffling their laughs, trying to get the upper hand. 

Until Steve snaps his teeth at Eddie.

They freeze, two pairs of wide eyes staring at the other in silence. 

Steve moves first, backing away and almost falling over Eddie's knees. 

"Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that," he explains quickly, scrambling to get off his friend. Eddie doesn't stop him, just stares openly at the mesmerizing specimen in front of him.

"That was so fucking hot."

"I don't know why I did—what?" Steve sits back on his haunches, eyes even wider as he stares at Eddie. At his wild hair splayed around his head, at his flushed face. The sliver of skin visible where his shirt has ridden up while they were roughhousing. 

"What?" he parrots, licking his lips nervously. 

"What did you just say?" Steve presses, voice turning desperate, pressing. But Eddie seals his mouth into a tight line. Lead by a hunch, he looks for his answer down the line of his body.

"Hey!" Eddie protests, sitting up and pulling his shirt down. But it was too late, the tent in his pants has been seen. "What the fuck, man?!" he hisses, his face red and eyes wide in panic. 

"Sorry, I—" Steve bites his lip. "But I snapped at you? That's weird, right?"

"Well, I'm apparently into weird, so..." Eddie trails off, looking away. Pointedly avoiding Steve's searching eyes. 

"You're into it?" he prods, but all Eddie can give him is a shrug. It's too fresh of a feeling to properly explain. Hell, he hasn't full came to terms with it himself yet. 

"Is it like a... a sex thing?" Steve tries again. 

"Maybe? Probably? I don't know!" Eddie snaps defensively, folding in on himself to hide his thankfully wilting erection. 

Steve's silence is terrifying, and when he looks up, he finds his eyes still studying him.

"Quit staring, man," he mumbles, squeezing his thighs together. "I'm sorry."

"Don't." Steve shakes his head. "It's fine, it happens. But just... don't move for a second."

"It happens," Eddie is muttering mockingly, when the rest of his friend's words register in his brain. "What?" But Steve is already too close, and he can't escape. Not that he wants to. "Steve," he says quietly, between a warning and a plea, when warm breath hits his neck.

Steve is sniffing him. At the crook of his neck, where undoubtedly his embarrassment has gathered in a pool of sweat.

He's terrified in a way that has nothing to do with fear. Worried what Steve might smell on him, when his surprisingly cold nose brushes his skin. 

Or maybe it's him running hot with whatever has just transpired. 

Eddie flinches at the touch and Steve moves away, his eyes big and warm with something he can't read. 

"You're fine," he says, and it sounds more like a relief of his own than reassurance for Eddie. "I'm into weird too."

Eddie looks at him quizzically, until he realizes it's not Steve's face holding his answers. He trails his gaze down, and immediately aims it back upward, over-correcting towards the heavens, where maybe he'll get some guidance.

"Shit," he croaks out from his closed up throat. Steve is way too close to him too, from his impromptu sniffing session. Eddie coughs to clear his airways. "Why did you smell me? Is it that bad?" he jokes, but has a feeling Steve won't take the out. Not with the curious way he's looking at him. 

"You smell like want," he answers with painful honesty. "Embarrassment."

Eddie blushes at that one. Well, yeah. Popping a boner in front of your, uh, something, will do that to a man.

"But also joy, affection," Steve continues. "And no fear."

"Why would I fear you? We were just playing around. It's not like you're gonna bite me," he focuses on the safest option. He's not unpacking his feelings for Steve first thing in the morning. Maybe after a coffee. 

It's Steve's turn to go beet red. 

"Sometimes I want to."

"What?" 

He shuffles back sheepishly. 

"Sometimes I see you and I really, really wanna bite you."

Eddie stares at him.

"In like, a werewolf way?" he asks dumbly, earning himself a flat look.

"I think we've established this is not how werewolves are made. I meant in, like, a playful way," he explains. "Like, I'm so excited and happy I can't hold it in anymore, way."

He wants to ask if it's a pack thing, but bites his tongue, not sure if anyone has even taught Steve pack rituals. The guy is going through pure instincts alone, and should be supported in it, so really, there's only one thing he can say.

"Well, why won't you?"

They stare at each other in stunned silence, until a clatter comes from downstairs.

"Steeeeve! The express is doing it again!"

Eddie deflates with a groan, falling back onto the carpet. What the fuck did he just say? He won't survive this crush. Steve will be no help, as he's now hovering over his body.

"We'll get back to this," he says quietly, in a promise or a warning, before clambering upright and out of the room, yelling at Robin.

"Do not press the fucking button!"

Tags: @noodle-shenaniganery @jaytriesstrangerthings @imaginary-maggie-waggie @samsoble @croatoan-like-its-hot @dragonmama76 @storyranger @scoops-aboy86 @ollyxar @estrellami-1 @stevesworldxx @ajeff855 @live-laugh-love-dietrich @thelittleclare @wheneverfeasible @bumblebeecuttlefishes @blasvemous @phantomcat94 @n33dlew0rk @manliest-of-muppets @ravenfrog @dreamercec @tartarusknight  @eyehartart @ellietheasexylibrarian @im-sam-fucking-winchester

[riding-the-sunset-bird]

Hey!

Since I started playing August last year I'd been lurking on the reddit (since I don't have an account) and always found the posts of the person who was writing "what choices determine Cove's X" so insightful and loved reading them

recently, i played the baxter DLC (still am not over it, it's my most favourite thing ever; i just love our pepe le pew) so I spent a lot of time on the reddit just reading up about him and what others thought bcs i LOVE deep analysis on characters that I've liked and I stumbled upon a bunch of your comments (which again, loved reading!) and I put a name to the comment

found the same username on tumblr and simultaneously found out you were the one who goes into the games files and wrote those posts I loved so, AH! Hi!

hahah my 'fangirling' and backstory aside, right after I played Baxter's DLC I felt like I didn't understand the reasons behind his actions? I know everyone talks about how he has self-worth issues and wanted to just be a memory but I don't get how that all correlated to completely detatching and not wanting to be a part of MC's life? Like did he care at all? If he didn't, why keep your number and the gift you gave him in one of the memories (Sightseeing?). But if he did care, how did he so easily at the beginning distance himself professionally? AND THEN REMINISCE ON ALL OUR MEMORIES TOGETHER BUT GO BACK TO PROFESSIONAL; LIKE WHAT WAS THE INTENTION

I feel like it is such a stupid question since it seems like everyone else gets it and the game explains it so many times but I just did not get it 😭

so if you could! could you help me understand it a little better? (and if you have talked about it before, no pressure to rewrite it all here I'd happily read another post of yours about it if you could kindly link it!)

i hope that makes sense haha, hope you have a lovely day and genuienly THANK YOU for what you do with your blog! its so great and even if you don't answer this ask i will LOVE reading everything you still put out!

-jaycee <3

*ahem*

Firstly--AAAAAAA >//////<

Thank you so much!! I do my best to help out so people can understand the code, and at times I just see it as something fun for me. So, when people enjoy them as well, it makes me so happy~

Also, I'd be delighted to answer your questions about Baxter! His DLC is absolutely packed so I get that sometimes it's hard to absorb it all. You asking someone for "help" and wanting to understand (rather than simply giving up or writing the DLC off) is admirable, honestly, not something to feel stupid about!

For me personally, I do believe that there are layers to it, and I'll try to do things in a different enough way/simplify them linearly in case that might help. Included will be quotes from the game to help things flow best.

All that said, let us now go on this journey into Baxter's mind together! ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

(note that this got so long that I put a TL;DR/summarized version at the end, I just thought it was important to go into as much as possible; I also have a Reddit comment here that has a smaller/quoteless explanation)

Childhood and Early-to-Mid Teens

Let's take this chronologically. Picture a young Baxter Alexander Ward all the way back in Golden Grove. He's a rich boy with rich parents, and by rich, we're talking really rich. What already is so much to an adult is virtually limitless in the mind of a child, and it earns him a certain reputation amongst the population. Everyone knows the name of the Mr. and Mrs. Ward's only child, and it makes him extremely popular.

However, that doesn't mean he has true company, especially as his neighborhood situation is quite the opposite from the MC of either Our Life version, who are given one or two easily-accessible friends depending on the game.

"The land my family home was built on… I suppose you could call it somewhat remote. It's a fair-sized estate, situated a little ways off from the rest of the town. So, until I moved into college dorms, I'd go as far as to say that I'd never had neighbors before."

In other words, there's no one around his age nor does he have a sibling to play with. This isn't a big deal at first, given that he's young, innocent, and raised where anything he wanted was in his parents' budget. He's expected to act a certain way, certainly, but he can't understand the idea of needing anymore than what he has: he's the cute rich boy that has "everything" and that every kid wants to be close to.

So much so that it gives him an ego about it.

"What I do distinctly recall is that as a child I unequivocally thought I was better than other people. That those who met me were lucky, and I could pick anyone I wanted as company. The onus was on everyone else to impress. "If someone was boring or maybe I just didn't like the colors they were wearing that day, I could find a new playmate, easily. After all, I had the most to offer. "Naturally, what I was 'offering' was what my parents had. A big, cool house, exciting outings, the best toys. It wasn't until I was eleven or so when I developed my first stable friends. They might not have been rich like me, but they had their own charms. Those ties couldn't be replaced."

"I loved it when they would come and visit; there was scarcely anything better. They never got over their sense of awe, and I ate it up."

"Becoming attached to other people, especially those people, made me realize what I'd believed wasn't true. And it was so obvious. They were wonderful. I felt things I never had before. "All it took was being who they were. It didn't matter what their parents did. No fancy venue could top genuine comradery with their company. "And for whatever reason, I was in the club, and I was happy. The person who was lucky to be there was me. "I had wanted my friends to feel the same way towards me. To have that kind of incredible effect on another person for no reason other than that I was Baxter."

Thus, the confident boy Baxter sees in the mirror everyday, like a framed painting of the kind of person everyone wants to be, becomes distorted. Kids didn't flock to him because he was "Baxter," but because he was a rich boy who could wow them. He felt that even the friends he did manage to acquire only hung out with him because they were lovely people, because they also were not immune to being awed by his rich boy things, and because he got lucky.

Qiu - who's part of his friend group - being his first crush likely doesn't help matters. It's no longer about his own personal satisfaction, where he shows off and the kids involved do little more than stroke his ego; now there are kids who are the ones offering him something, and it's something he didn't even know he was missing.

This begins the initial spark of self-worth issues for Baxter, and it's a spark that snowballs as time goes on. He doubts himself, he doubts his ability to make his friends happy in the way that they make him happy, and he - when he's fourteen - goes so far as to doubt the impression something as simple as his hair gives off.

"The generous might say I could count it as black, or that it was 'black in the right light' as my parents placatingly put it. "The fact of the matter is that it's a dusty gray."

"Who would notice a color that wasn't exactly black? And why would they care, even if they did? "Me. I noticed. I noticed and it bothered me, so I dyed it. "Was it something I wanted only for my own preference, or was it because I believed if I saw it as an imperfection then that meant everyone else did? "Probably the latter."

(note that this is around the time that an MC might meet him in Soiree and potentially become his second crush)

So now you have a double-edged sword of sorts where Baxter wants to be good enough as he is, yet is actively covering up the parts of himself that he deems as flaws to be corrected.

In trying to craft this "perfect/better" version of himself, he's created a scenario in which he cannot win. Even if said version could make people happy, he is still not the real version of himself and goes on believing that any amount of joy he does create isn't even "him" doing it anyway.

This is already excluding the fact that his parents are *:･ﾟ✧ garbage ✧･ﾟ:* who always wanted him to act a particular way, and he knew they'd take issue with him if they didn't raise him personally.

"They understand care through the lens of control and protection. That's been their way ever since I was young. In that sense, they treat me no different from a child. "But, of course, they are quiet, educated, esteemed, and a tad old. As is their company, most days. That's not the environment to act as a kid. "That meant I've always been expected to behave with the maturity of someone their own age, or perhaps even older, somehow. "A bit of a paradox, isn't it? Do everything as an adult would while getting the respect an infant does."

"They're family and I'm their son. That is what matters at the end of the day, blood related or not. "I'm thankful for that as well. "Now, if I wasn't the boy they raised together in any capacity, then there would be problems."

Even the air of sophistication he has comes from his upbringing (though he's at least made that his own). There's the Baxter he actually is, the Baxter his parents expect him to be, and the Baxter he's trying to build up for himself to be someone he thinks can make those he cares for happy, all things that he tries to deal with himself as if that's at all manageable or healthy for him.

To the surprise of no one, things still aren't perfect. Without a trust that his friends like him simply because they like him, he doesn't realize - or refuses to contend with - the truth of the situation, and the age gap between them starts causing difficulties.

"I was older than all of them. As sheltered as I was, I got along better with kids not quite my own age. Immature as always, hm? "Life changed fast then, and the years between us became more noticeable with every day. I never reached a point where I felt like I knew what I was doing before suddenly, it was as if I didn't belong with them anymore. "That they didn't have time to keep me around with the differences in our schedules and priorities. And I accepted that. So, the friendships ended. We stopped talking as young teens, and I haven't even seen them since I left for college in 2015. "I thought they mattered to me, but when have I done anything for them? Why did I deserve to be liked and included when all I did was want that to happen and abandon them when it didn't?"

Now we're getting closer to the white-and-black-haired Baxter we know as, at the time he leaves Golden Grove, he's just one year away from his visit to Sunset Bird and simultaneously no closer to knowing what he's doing. He's broken off from his old, cherished, and only significant friend group, and now he's all the way on the other side of the country in Virginia by himself.

He's still chaotic, still kindhearted, yet has no clue that he deserves to have the kind of companionship he longs for. In the year of him being at college, he fails to make those kinds of connections, whether intentionally or otherwise.

"Instead, you could say I don't have many friends. I spend the majority of my time on my own, though I do attend parties and other gatherings when I am able. "I do not have anything quite similar waiting for me there. Don't feel bad about that. "It is only to be expected. I did move across the country. It is a fairly common phenomenon for those of us who do. I'm a regular fish out of water, if you will."

"It hasn't been easy to find anyone to reminisce with, not for a while. But then again, I only developed a sentimentality once I'd gone off to college. "I was too young and proud for that sort of matter before then. There wasn't anything in my life to harbor much sentimentality for. I suppose leaving was the catalyst. Isn't it always? "But once that part of my mind had developed, there wasn't anyone around to share the emotions with. My classmates and I… we don't have that kind of relationship."

His parents are also just as controlling as ever, only allowing him to enjoy his semester off from college under their rules and in a place they personally chose and are comfortable with. Baxter, who had no interest in going home to Golden Grove and thus agrees to the terms, can only make himself comfortable by finding his own ways of having fun, such as renting a car despite being underage.

"At a minimum, I can honestly say that I wish that I missed it, if that makes sense. I don't know how you feel about your hometown particularly, but you should at least be able to appreciate that I spent all of my youth there. "I'm not so jaded as to totally discount the place, far from it. But anything I liked about my home wasn't exactly exclusive to that locale. The US is a big country, and there are plenty of beautiful things to see wherever you go. "I've experienced enough to know that much, at least. So no, I don't miss it. And I won't be going back. "If my parents wish to see me, they'll have to be the ones visiting where I am.

"Mother and Father agreed to me vacationing on my own, but under the condition that they would have the choice of where I stayed. "California being fairly close by, and Sunset Bird being so quaint, not to mention our prior excursions to the area, they concluded that this was the easiest way to keep me out of trouble."

Basically, it's all going back to his line about expecting him to behave as an adult whilst treating him like a child. He's permitted to vacation by himself but only in a town as "boring" as Sunset Bird where there would naturally be very few teenagers around his age. His streak for being a bit of a rebel reflects that.

What he doesn't expect is to meet a new group of people and the MC in particular, who unintentionally challenges his negative view on himself.

Step 3

From the very beginning, Baxter takes immediate interest in the MC and Cove, wanting to make one of those "blissful, temporary relationships" that will last the summer. Already, we have something of note, which is the 50/50 success rate he ended up having: MC and Terry were all for the absurdly friendly monochrome man that swooped into town, whereas Cove and Miranda were more hesitant (and thus didn't spend as much time with him) because his directness tended to put them off.

"I care a great deal about what I say and that it makes the correct impression. Yet I am not always successful. My approach is off, really."

"Now, this may be a complete shock to you, but… I've been told that I can come across as a bit too forward. I know. It can be hard to believe. My intent is to be open with people so we can connect. It almost never works out that way, though. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't possess a knack for making friends. "It was obnoxiously easy when I was a child. Especially due to that aforementioned big, cool house. But now I keep finding myself at a loss for how to do it. With the hit-or-miss endeavor, the vast majority of the time I come up with a miss."

"And I've never been in a stable, long-term relationship. They've all been brief, and varying levels of disastrous."

Put more simply, Baxter knows what he wants but doesn't understand what people want out of him (believing more that they don't want him at all). On some level, he's flying blind and simply does what he can to put his best foot forward, not wanting to miss opportunities when they present themselves to him. He's someone who likes seeing people thrive and enjoy themselves, and it's even better if he knows that he caused it.

"I live for approval."

Thus, as the "perfect summer tourist" who wants to vacation and have a fun time with those that he can, he seeks to do everything possible to make it memorable. That doesn't mean that he goes out of his way to do things he doesn't want to or portray himself as this person who doesn't even resemble who he actually is, but he puts on an air of not having any flaws that would cause him to be any form of burden to others.

This is even excluding the parallel of a group of four friends that he's involved with yet feels distant from or like he doesn't belong in at the same time; history repeating itself and what not, though in his case it's more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, emphasized by the possibility of him asking the MC out on a summer fling.

"I don't care about what label you'd choose to put to it. I could be your boyfriend, or nothing at all. "And you can also change your mind without consequence, if you find out it's not what you imagined further down the line."

Baxter gives the MC every out he can to make things as convenient as possible for them, not only so that the relationship isn't serious and they don't have to worry about it, but so they can break it off whenever they wish. He knows full well that even the person he's presenting himself as won't please everyone and sets everything up so he can almost anticipate the ending if the MC gets bored with him because he fails to impress.

He's interested in them, attracted to them, and feels that he'll enjoy their company, but he only thinks he can do the same on the short-term; that small amount of time where people are still learning about one another where little else is hoped for beyond good things.

Another way of looking at it is based on Baxter's view of control.

"It might not surprise you to know that I can be a touch… particular. I know the importance of coherence, with individuals acting in a well-coordinated fashion. And I like things to function well-for systems to operate smoothly. "I confess, you could call me controlling, at times. Not with people, but with processes. Especially when it comes to enacting plans. I'd much rather act under my own steam than follow someone else's lead. "I'm only flexible with the personal, not the business, aspects of life."

His relationship with the MC is, on some level, a process. It's something for him to carefully plan out and calculate to make it the best he can for them. Getting more personal would involve him revealing the parts of himself that he finds distasteful and believes the MC will as well.

Of course, he doesn't anticipate growing attached to them, which brings in the "risk versus reward" aspect. This can be seen when Baxter initially agrees to have drinks with the MC in the morning that he hates so much, where the safe option would be to simply postpone until another day, except he wants to spend time with them as soon as possible.

In that respect, it's not unlike him struggling to decide on the type of ice cream he'd like.

"My problem is this: I'm unsure if I should get a dessert that's to my usual taste. If I do, I'd be certain to enjoy what comes from the ice cream truck. That would be nice. "But, on the other hand, this may happen only once. Perhaps it'd be more rewarding to get something new, an option that would be challenging to find in a common store. "Which will add more to the experience? Indulgence or novelty? I want to make the right choice."

However, his risks don't end up panning out well in his mind because he's unable to get past something so minor as forgetting his wallet, when all he and the MC had planned to do was have a nice time at a cafe in Drinks. In his mind, the Baxter he's trying to present had failed, and what else can he do at that point (under his perceived logic) but do what he remembers worked from childhood?

"It's a question of knowing the right people who know the right people. We could have even had full backstage access with the main cast if I'd asked. "I do try not to lean on that kind of thing too much, if you can believe me. I appreciate it might not look like it now. You could say it's a means for me to preserve my sense of independence. It's easy to be popular if you can foot the bill, and I don't want that to be what draws others to me. "But after all that, here I am, leaning on the same old crutch. Nothing has changed since I was six."

"I suppose that was part of the issue. I didn't consider myself appealing enough as a person to be worth the time. So, I wanted the support of an exciting or interesting backdrop for meetups. "But… it shouldn't matter that much where you are if you enjoy who you're with."

Baxter expects perfection out of himself in the same way that his parents expected things out of him, and the limitations follow accordingly. He wants little more than the MC's presence and it is up to him to "repay them" for it. When he was a child, he was the one everyone else had to impress, and now it's the other way around: he has to impress those he wants to be around.

Except he's only human, and aiming to be the perfect person for the MC all summer simply isn't feasible, which he takes with every ounce of criticism one can imagine.

"This whole situation… it's asinine. I haven't known you long enough to be causing this kind of trouble. I'm quite literally a stranger. And I won't even be here long enough for that to change. As welcoming as you all are here, that can't be forgotten. "This was-I was-only ever supposed to be a part of the fun. A worthwhile piece of summer scenery. Someone who added to the experience, not held it back. You shouldn't have to baby me! To sit there and spend your time making me feel better when I don't keep it together. "The mess I am in the mornings, the drama I cause in the evenings: the person I am when the show is over. Those aspects shouldn't be any of your concern. I don't provide that support to you, do I? And how could I when I don't know you? "No. It's not fair to make you worried or, worse, guilty over what happens to me. What matters is that when we're together it's for the pleasant parts of existence. The less ideal shades of life can be managed separately. "That's all I wanted."

Two things to note as well is that he'll say all of the same dialog even if he and the MC have experienced Hang or Planning (where Baxter can comfort them), and there's a dialog path in Sightseeing (i.e: the moment most players will play first) where he'll openly say that he hopes they count for "more than strangers."

(He's additionally rejected the idea that he knows the MC despite relishing every given opportunity to listen to the MC babble about even the most mundane things.)

So not only will he deny to himself that comforting the MC was worth enough to count (or unintentionally block it from his mind), but when it comes to things becoming more personal, suddenly he's "just a stranger/near-stranger." The MC can be comforted when they need it but not him, and he's just some nobody tourist when it comes time to put any value on himself...

whether that be the simple things like driving everyone around, to the stuff that takes effort to notice like him seeing that the MC wanted to ride in the passenger seat, to the more complex like literally saving Miranda's entire birthday party.

"I couldn't have devised a more pleasant way to spend my time here, even if I tried. And to be frank, I have tried. I didn't come to Sunset Bird totally devoid of any plans or ideas. "You and your friends have invited me to participate in an event with great significance to you. It's a profound gesture to show to a relative stranger. "When it's over, and I'm long gone from here, I hope you can all look back on this party for years to come-maybe for the rest of your lives-and treasure the memory. "And if I am a part of that memory, then that is satisfaction enough. Though perhaps I'm in danger of giving my contribution too much credit."

A hypocrite (I say this affectionately, I swear) of the highest order; there are rules for himself and no other rules for everybody else. The things he does are never enough whereas everyone else does plenty by simply existing and giving him the time of day.

Leaving the way he does with no contact and little hope of seeing each other again is the inevitable result of the process he'd put together for his time with the MC and his summer at Sunset Bird. From the beginning, he's had a time frame to keep to, an intent to not get attached, an expectation that no one would get attached to him, and an idea that he would leave as little more than a memory.

"Only lately it's been different. Incredibly different. I almost worry my luck won't last. It will all be over soon. "I wish… I could stay."

Except he does get attached, just as the MC gets attached to him (in what he can admit in Step 4 is the most stable relationship he's ever been in), and now all the control he feels he had goes out the window. That's why he has the potential to get upset if the MC keeps pushing his buttons by questioning him.

"I would've preferred it to have been an enjoyable time having my company while I happened to be here, that was the intention. It seems I've ruined that on the whole. I accept the blame for that. If I had behaved better this wouldn't have come to a close on such an abhorrent note. "However, I am not an irreplaceable part of your life. I was a tourist, a novelty. And now I'm not even that. So don't bother with this."

To him, everything is so obvious: he got "lucky" getting to hang out with his Golden Grove friends, who were simply so nice that they continued bothering with him at all despite his flaws. Considering how that ended, he expected the same where no one would bat an eye if he left.

The MC trying to hang onto what they have isn't a sign that he had done anything right, but that the MC is being their sweet, considerate self in thinking about him. He's had at least five years of criticizing himself, of trying to make people happy yet downplaying it when he does, that everything the MC says goes in one ear and out the other.

"I heard you then and each reasonable suggestion to salvage the situation, but I brushed you off as if you were the one being dramatic. Or that you were lying."

At some point between having his Golden Grove friend group to now, his priorities had changed. He'd given up on having true value to people and instead focuses on creating moments (an appropriate word to use given how the game works) with them. It's a natural progression from not believing he's important to not believing he could ever possibly be.

Even basic traits he does have that one will likely see as something to adore, he won't attribute to himself.

"Now, I do admit, though, that isn't what one might call a grand love story. It's simplicity itself. "I'm not the most romantic or sentimental person in the world. I know that can be at odds with my formality, yet it's the way I am."

He'll say he's not romantic nor sentimental while being one of the most romantic and sentimental people in the game, so either he's unaware of it or refuses to associate positive words like those with himself. On the flip side, he can falsely associate others with credit for things they've done without acknowledging the finer details that might negate his point.

For example, in the Wedding DLC, Baxter gives so much credit to Cove for "staying" and "trying" without understanding that Cove didn't have a choice on whether to stay or leave the MC initially due to still being a child (who absolutely would have left and in fact did try to leave in the Step 1 DLC). He's also one of the few characters who doesn't consider Cove "clingy," probably because he's just as clingy if not more so.

By unknowingly projecting his self-hatred onto the MC's view of him, he's come to the idea that the MC has already gotten as much out of the relationship with him as possible without things completely falling apart, and daring to want anything further is his own self-interest/ego getting to him.

It's even to the point of deciding that everything is his fault if the MC kissed him in Planning when they weren't dating.

"I must apologize for that. I shouldn't have done it. Even at the time I knew I shouldn't have. That was a bad idea. One that only managed to complicate our relationship further. "I shouldn't have involved you in more of my selfishness."

So his conclusion in the Step 3 ending is that he's lost no matter what and genuinely cannot comprehend the idea that he had done anything right for the MC to want to stay in contact with him.

If the MC contently accepts separating from him, then that proves to him that he isn't someone worth sticking around for. If they instead get upset or want to stay in touch, then he has somehow done something wrong in the way he went about things and presented himself. It all goes back to being a scenario he's set himself up not to win.

"In short, what I'm saying is that I'm a fraud in all regards. You can't take any of it seriously, including what color my hair is."

"I don't deserve to have that kind of relationship with another person. That's why. I don't contribute anything. "Maybe I can impress others for a time, but how do you go beyond that? I can't say what it means to be significant as a person, to be irreplaceable. "And since I don't have the answer, I certainly wasn't going to assume I'd do it by accident. What does it take to add value to someone simply just by being there? I tried, but I never knew. "In my eyes there's a world of humans living freely among one another, while every connection I create is so fragile. If I make the wrong step I might hurt them, or be hurt myself, and if it's strained at all it will break entirely."

The sad part of it is that it makes sense, in a way. The things he did for the MC - baring perhaps that damned chocolate fountain - were almost effortless to him. He wanted to do them, so why would he think he did anything special?

One of the very few times he's willing to talk in any way bad about another is only if the MC uses Jude and Scott's relationship as a reason for why they could keep in touch. That's when his cynical side comes out.

"Of course, my rather reasonable prediction is that it will not last. Most relationships don't."

As things were that summer, Baxter viewed the MC as someone he would love to know, but not someone who wanted to know him because he doesn't think he's likable; that the slightest inconvenience to them - to anyone - would make him not worth keeping in touch with any longer. The MC also has friends who have been around longer than him, and he's never considered that he could have any role amongst them.

Tempting fate was never his intention, yet that's exactly what he does in believing they'll never meet again, drawn together as if the longing makes them magnetic to each other.

Step 4

As is standard with the inevitable passage of time and growing older, Baxter is slowly finding himself and improving as a person over the five years that he and the MC are apart. Some things change and others stay the same, whether for better or worse.

Though, any positives aren't particularly noteworthy to Baxter himself.

"I can say that I've improved some talents over the years and found a less eye-catching sense of style, but for anything meaningful there's been no growth."

Due to his self-worth issues, he never thinks what he does is good enough and is wholly focused on where he's yet to improve upon, even though he is fully aware about the parts of himself he has worked on.

"You don't need to worry. I'm not quite as sensitive as I used to be about mistakes. I will survive this, pride as wounded as it may be from these trials and tribulations."

"Part of the tragedy of adult life is learning to roll with the punches, so to speak. I suppose I should be proud of the fact that I can at least handle it much better than when I was younger. "Thinking about what kind of panic a younger Baxter would have been thrown into at the prospect of a missing shirt on an important day-"

Under that lens, it doesn't matter what he does or how he deals with the issues he feels are a burden to himself and/or others; there's always an asterisk - that he's attached to them - to act as a "yes, but..."

"I'm fortunate that thanks to my upbringing I happen to be well acquainted with formality and what it takes to authentically achieve it for an event. It's a unique kind of direct experience to wield. "Additionally, I deal well with the high level of control and detail-work one must take in a stressful event. "When it comes to work, I absolutely can make decisions. It's only in my personal life where I lack conviction. "And that's most suited in bursts with different people rather than a long-term position in a consistent group. You can easily get sick of someone who needs everything to be 'just so'."

Similar to the weddings he involves himself with as he graduates and gets a career as a wedding planner, there is an ideal final product to work towards, but one he could never conceivably be happy with because he's already starting from a place of seeing himself as someone worthless as an individual. It shapes said final product into something entirely unrealistic, never mind completely unachievable.

As for figuring out a life for himself, that goes hand-in-hand with where he ultimately chooses as his first place to live: Prism Vista City, which Mr. "Definitely Not Sentimental" ends up getting attached to.

"This, ahem, particular location was intended to be only a starting point. I was coming from the complete other side of the country, and I at least knew I enjoyed the area. "I expected to relocate once I had my bearings. It wasn't my intention to linger where I might not be welcomed. "But who could've guessed it was harder to pack up and leave everything behind once you had silly things such as an 'actual apartment in your own name' and a 'real career' tying you down? "Weeks passed, then months, and then, perhaps inevitably, I came face to face with one of the reasons I developed such a positive outlook on this state to begin with. "You know, it never ceases to amaze me. California is directly beside Oregon. I could practically walk there if I was industrious, and stupid, enough. "Despite that, being here is a wholly different experience than what I had being raised in the neighboring state. "Sometimes it seems as if I'm still a tourist. That I don't belong here, and everyone who passes by can smell the otherness on me. "Other days, I have the confidence to think I've found my own place in the world…"

That's one thing that never changes about Baxter in virtually all of his life: the desire to simply belong somewhere. What does change is how he approaches that want.

He wanted to belong with his Golden Grove friends, but fell out with them due to the circumstances and chalked it up to a failure on his part. When he wanted to belong with his Sunset Bird ones, he'd already decided himself that it would never happen to save him from any potential disappointment, and that simply being there for a summer would be enough.

In adulthood, he's given up on such things entirely. No more friends, no more flings, and even his most consistent contact - his parents - have been cut out of his life (though in the latter case, it's for the better).

"What happened, I do exactly… that to everyone who unfortunately crosses my path. "The acquaintances I made at college, dancing partners, the friends I had since childhood; my parents, though, that is an entirely different story. "The point of the matter is, excluding those I interact with regularly due to work, I have no relations whatsoever. That's simply the way it goes."

"To start, I haven't spoken to my parents in, mm, a few years now. That's what I meant when I included them in the list of relationships I haven't maintained. "Don't worry. It isn't a painful topic for me, exactly. Mostly I find it… disappointing. Frustrating? Certainly awkward. "Before I cause too much concern, they've never done anything to intentionally hurt me; my parents have always cared for my well-being. "And I can't deny how much they have done for me - all the opportunities and advantages I had because they provided them. They gave me the best they knew how and- "This is not as nuanced as I might be making it sound. "What a novelty it would be if I could speak favorably of my own family. Can you imagine? "That's not the case, however. "What I am trying to say is that my parents are, on the whole, good to me. And they do love me as their child whom they raised for nearly two decades. "Just as I still feel compelled to give them credit for the minimum, I'm certain they're telling their acquaintances endless excuses for why I'm so distant and unagreeable with them. "They haven't given up on me, in their own way. "But all that does not make them good people. "I can assure you that because they are not good people. I'm merely a rare exception to the unpleasantness. "My parents are selfish- they're sheltered. Even as adults."

"Imagining myself as not their son and not someone they loved seemed meaningless at the time. They did love me and that's what mattered. "Of course, it's not always enough, is it? "If I wasn't theirs, either through birth or adoption, if I was someone else's son, they… would hate me. "I know I'm foolish, on many counts. It took me a long time to realize that them being hypocritical shouldn't reassure me the way it did. "Baxter Ward could have as many 'shortcomings' or 'problems' as he did and it'd be fine because it was 'different' in that case. There were reasons, can't you see? "But they couldn't see that other people deserved the same kind of understanding. "And that some things weren't 'problems' in the first place…"

The true tragedy of it being that it's heavily implied that Baxter's parents did attempt to teach him or at least act in a way that would lead him towards a life without any meaningful relationships, which is what he got when he became an adult but not ever what he truly wanted.

"And their nonsense priorities and concerns are what my parents expected from me! "How ironic that I can finally see the silver lining of my lifelong struggles thanks to them. "If I never realized how poor my connections were, or if I never cared that my relationships were nothing more than associations based on conveniences, maybe I'd have been who they wanted."

Arguably, Baxter is at the most "successful" place in his life: he might not be rich anymore, but he's making his own money with a job that suits him, he has a nice apartment, and he's living comfortably.

Except he's not happy, and convinces himself that it's as good as he's ever going to get. It's both the highest and lowest point of his life.

"Of course, I wouldn't be able to understand the viewpoint of someone willing to commit themselves to another person for the rest of their life. "It's what makes for a good planner. I can get invested just enough in the premise to truly create something special, but I'm not attached to the real relationship. "And I'm not disappointed when it's over. "It's been years since I was careless enough to be hurt by anything. "I'd given up on trying for more than what I already had. Then I told others, and myself, that meant I was always content. But honestly, it made me bitter. "I didn't become the person I wanted to be. I didn't achieve the kind of life I'd hoped for."

He couldn't even maintain his relationship with dance, something he'd adored since he was young and now limits to lessons given to wedding couples.

"In a way, I fell out of love with that passion. "It became tedious and unsatisfying to do it with complete strangers, and I didn't have enough hours in a day to dedicate to a long-term competitive partner any longer. "But perhaps I should've tried harder not to give it up entirely. "How embarrassing… even my choice of hobby revolved around having a serious and understanding relationship with someone else. "The precise matter I've had a lifelong struggle to obtain."

As for the MC, Baxter misses them desperately, but goes about his life as though he doesn't. He's committed to viewing himself as someone who doesn't deserve them and that what he did was the right thing to do.

It would seemingly be "easy" then to let go of anything that reminds him of them, in hopes of either limiting the times that he finds himself thinking back to those moments or steering himself towards moving on, but he can't.

The MC's souvenir (if they gave him one)...

"I am fond of it even now. I've never been able to part with it. But isn't that what souvenirs are for? Keeping for the long term? "I'm being entirely reasonable for holding onto that after thoroughly leaving everything in Sunset Bird behind."

Their number...

"I had your number all along. "Of course, I never looked at it over the years we were apart, but didn't have it in me to delete it either."

Even the khaki shirt he wore during Mountain (if he and the MC were dating at the time and they invited him up to their room)...

"It remains my stolen property to this day."

He keeps all of them, unable to let go of the feelings the MC caused within himself but locking them deep inside rather than addressing them. He has the very method for contacting the MC at any time to reconnect, to explain himself, to apologize, to confirm or reject his own doubts over what happened, but he doesn't out of fear.

"I said it before- my concern was protecting my own feelings. Anything I did to that end felt justified. "The more time and experience let me reflect on my actions, I only became more convinced I should stick to my word and not trouble you further."

"I've also missed you over those five years. "And Terry and Miranda and Cove and that summer in Sunset Bird, but mostly, it was you who I thought of. "During that trip, I did feel wanted. "You made me feel wanted. And… important. "It was exciting and amazing, and felt impossible it could last. The shine would wear off eventually, as always. I didn't want to see it happen. "What if I seemed pathetic for being attached to people I met on a short vacation? You had your real group of friends who lived with you there already. "Or what if you stopped responding to me after realizing I wasn't that interesting? Or why would I have even assumed there'd be a reason to talk to me at all once it was no longer convenient? "I'm aware that's not a kind way to view you, but it wasn't that you'd done something to make me believe it would happen. It's my viewpoint for every situation."

Baxter never once thinks that the MC is a bad person, simply that he is the problem and even the best of people will "understandably" lose interest in him if there's any interest to begin with. As someone who likes control and has been conditioned to stray away from more personal relationships, it's advantageous to him to remain in his self-sabotaging mindset.

It's what he's used to.

"I can't afford to flitter off on vacations whenever the mood strikes the way my parents can, but I have a very comfortable existence. "It's nice, if lonely. "Of course, let's not pretend I have anyone to blame for that other than myself. I ended every relationship I had with my own actions. "It's the story of my life. I want to be liked, but I don't want to be important. "A suitor for a season, the planner at a wedding- it's that kind of role I'm comfortable in. "Perhaps that's why I'm drawn to people who are wanted by everyone else. They don't need me. I can be someone, I can't be 'the one'."

So when his Step 4 begins and the MC unexpectedly shows up back in his life, five years after Baxter expressed confidence that they would never meet again, he can barely handle it. Without his say so, he's being confronted with feelings that haven't faded, and ones he already thinks are ridiculous of him to have considering how short of a time he'd known the MC.

The best he can think to do is to put on an air of professionalism and brush the rest off. He'd already left, not contacted the MC for so long, and had remained determined to never see them again, so he doubles down on it.

"I'm merely an employee of your friends. Please feel free to ignore me entirely."

However, it's not tenable, because Baxter has never been someone with the impulse control to keep him in check. Even in the few days he knows that the MC will be around and then leave afterwards, holding himself back from doing what he wants isn't something he can keep up for that long.

In front of people like Jude and Scott who he doesn't know, it's at least easier, but around someone like Xavier who he has some form of friendlier relationship with (only a day after he'd conveyed to himself and the others that he's nothing more than the wedding planner), he's already dropping stories about the past.

"As soon as it comes to you it appears my reason goes out the window. Along with much of my dignity. "But that is how it is."

"Enjoying myself in your presence is the most natural thing in the world. Frustratingly so, at times. I find myself letting go of more than I intended to."

It's also not that Baxter doesn't want to talk to the MC because, if the MC tries to get him to talk during the ride back from the bakery, he deliberately makes it a game of rock-paper-scissors that they'd be guaranteed to win if they wanted to. He could've shut them down entirely if he didn't care, but he finds a middle ground of technically not agreeing outright while still letting the MC talk to him.

"The petty types of decisions that were best suited to be decided with randomness mattered little to me. "It was far more amusing to see who would use the advantage they had to win and who would be willing to take the loss, and why they seemed to do so. "At the bare minimum I'm not that much of a brat any longer. "As an adult, I use it mainly to get away with not making decisions of my own. Whoever is playing with me has the responsibility to win or lose because what they're up against is preordained. "I don't even need to choose which symbol my hand takes. It's easier that way."

Not that it means he's alright with it either. Baxter is already under the stress of planning a wedding in a matter of days and now has to deal with seeing the MC again, sometimes one-on-one. He doesn't want to be cruel to them, doesn't want things to be so difficult, nor did he want the MC to be "forced" to go with him to the bakery (on a suggestion he couldn't have known would lead to it), but that's what ends up happening.

"I'm not any less immature than I was five years ago, it seems. I've been incredibly rude to you, and that is inexcusable. "You're not unwelcome near me. Of course not. "However, I'm here to plan Jude and Scott's wedding. My priority is that only, and I don't want to get caught up in anything else. "There's no need to reminisce. I hope that's not insulting, it's honestly not meant to be a strike against your character. "You are a lovely person and have many wonderful friends. You don't need me to be an active part of your life."

"I apologize for what happened between us, I honestly do regret it. "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I was unable to keep my word and have bothered you yet again. "I'm thoroughly humiliated and have attempted to get in your way as little as possible. Though I'm unable to quit outright; I couldn't do that to Jude and Scott. "We are both aware that I am fully incapable of making you happy. But in four days you'll return to your life blissfully free of my presence in it. "Please tell me, what can I do for you? I simply don't know…"

It feels terrible for him, but this is the cycle he's gotten himself into: wanting to stick to what he'd done in Step 3 under the belief that the MC would be better off without him, feeling nostalgic for the past to the point where it ends up coming out, behaving distantly as a result and hating himself for it, then apologizing just to do it all over again because he's constantly going against what he actually wants.

"Every time I'm arrogant enough to believe I know what I'm doing and that I'm in control- I don't and I'm not."

"From the moment you walked into that restaurant, my actions were nothing but self-preservation and damage control and, occasionally, reminiscing to an extent I was pleased with. "Yes, I had a 'professional commitment' not to let personal matters impede the work that needed to be done, but my distancing went far beyond that. "In the end, I was using their marriage as an excuse. "If not for that, then there would have been something else. Some trivial reason for keeping you at arm's length. That likely doesn't shock you."

Baxter is essentially shielding his heart from the very thing that would protect him from his own attacks on it. He goes so far that he considers texting the MC directly to be overstepping boundaries (even if it's for work), all after continuing to let go the most whenever he's reminded of times with the MC.

He's aware that he's attached and readily admits as much when it comes time to.

"Even I can admit I wouldn't do this for every client. "And somehow, that makes this worse. It's painfully obvious I have some personal investment, enough to merit this. "More than I intended to be. More than I ought to have. "I wouldn't have done this if you weren't here… "Even though Miranda was the client's sister- "I wouldn't have offered. It'd be overreaching, to do as much as I have. "I've gone beyond the line of pure professionalism more than once already. The cake is the icing on top."

"Well, naturally, it's against my better judgment to make anyone uncomfortable. "Of course, in such a tight spot Jude wouldn't have questioned any help he was offered. "But what would Miranda have thought? And Terry as well? If some strange man they knew long ago was getting that personally involved in their situation? "I wouldn't have crossed that line, no matter how much sympathy I had for Jude's position. "So, where did my confidence come from? Very simply- I thought you would understand. "That I had good intentions, that the odd lengths I went to was merely how I am, that it was okay to let me be involved. And if you did understand, everyone else would as well."

Deep down, he knows that he is not a stranger; that he knows the MC and trusts them on a level deeper than he thought possible before meeting them. The MC brings out the best in him while simultaneously revealing the most vulnerable parts of himself to himself, which gives him all forms of conflicting emotions.

"I… "It's odd, really. I'm the one who left. "And yet I haven't stopped seeing you as someone important to me. Important in my life. "It truly does seem as though everything I did was for no reason at all."

"It's been hard not to feel nostalgic, this past week. We've had quite a stroll down memory lane. Sometimes by happenstance, sometimes because I went out of my way to do so. "I have… fond memories of those days in Sunset Bird. Treasured memories. "Like most treasures, they're things to be taken out and admired from time to time, and then put away again. "Though, some are too delicate for even that. They should never be touched. "This evening is a reprise of something I never wished to relive."

To put it in another way, though Baxter cherishes the time he spent with the MC, anything that brings him back to such times confront him with everything he's tried to avoid.

Yearning for the things he'd tried to put behind him, the what ifs of things going differently, and the doubts of all he's done thus far based on his own conclusions...

"Back then, during my tourist phase, we took that brief trip to the mountains. On a hike, we passed a tree that had fallen across a stream. "If you can picture that, it was as if we were on opposite sides, and I couldn't take the path to you because it looked risky."

Not unlike his fear of the ocean, Baxter's biggest hurdle is that final step past the point of no return: taking the plunge and trusting in his ability to survive.

"It seems endlessly deep and unpredictable, with powerful waves and rapid currents. "And there are creatures lurking in there. Some of them are larger than me. It's unfathomable. You don't play with something like that. "If I enter that water, I'll never return from it. The ocean will swallow me whole. That's what I think."

It's only by the end of the wedding reception that he finally crosses that line and has the epiphany necessary to deal with everything that had happened: the opening of the oven to check the result of a baked cake rather than leaving it a mystery, the flick of the switch to look at a room he'd always kept in darkness prior, and the throwing of himself into deep water and realizing he can still breathe.

"In the past, I spent every moment around other people thinking of the limited span of our acquaintance. As if I wasn't seeing them at all, only the imminent departure. "Our arrangements fell in line with that. A clear timeframe, limited from the outset; predetermined rules set in stone. "It was that way five years ago. It was that way now. "We'd cooperate for a short period in service of Scott and Jude's wedding, and that would be that. I've said as much myself. More than once. "The problem is, as I only recently realized… "I forgot about that. "You see, I thought, completely and earnestly, that I didn't need to speak with you now, here, when I was feeling so… sensitive. "We could simply pick up where we left off later tonight or tomorrow. The fact that we no longer had a 'reason' to interact didn't come up as part of the consideration."

When he wasn't the one setting the rules, when he was the one caught off guard by someone he cared so much about reappearing into his life, when he was forced back into reliving past regrets and under the pressure of facing them all over again when their second/third time together was over, that ended up being when he found what he needed to talk to the MC. That was when he finally had to listen to what his heart was saying rather than constantly denying himself.

Perhaps even most importantly, that was when he had to face the fact that what he did - the suffering he put himself through for five years - had achieved nothing of value, and it's only through acknowledging it that he can keep it from happening again.

"When I left five years ago, that didn't make me happy. When I kept you at arm's length after meeting again, I was unhappy still. "If it doesn't need to be that way, if I was wrong, then… I don't know, honestly. I've never considered it a viable option until moments ago."

"It had been so long since I'd known what it was like to be included, to be around people who'll refuse to let you be left out, no matter how hard you try to weasel out of it. "Terry, Miranda, and Cove were too kind, but it was your gestures specifically that are at the heart of this matter. "Here's the truth: if you didn't ask me to dance again, in the afterhours of another event we helped create like you did then, it would have broken my heart. "That would mean definitively that I lost what we had. "But… if you did ask it would be more painful. Because that would mean- "It would mean even after everything, you hadn't let me go. That you accepted me still. "That you always would have, that I should've believed that all along, that the only thing I've done was hurt you and myself of my own accord. "It's horrible. I didn't want to know one way or the other."

The uncomfortable truth, a placating lie, or the blissful void of not knowing anything at all: those were the choices he had and he finally chose the uncomfortable truth, all for the closure the MC deserves and the potential prospect of a better future if he can only make it past the obstacles he'd set up for himself.

"But I can see now that I'm also wrong for making another decision for you. Even if the conversation went disastrously, you were owed a better explanation and an apology. "You had never asked me to leave you alone, I created that fiction. "I hope you can accept that I did care for you then- I care now. Of course, as ever, none of it counts for much if it's kept entirely to oneself."

"It's… a little hard to approach what I've sowed over the years. So many mistakes. "And even now, when I hope to make things right, to make things last, I'm forced to admit that I'm ignoring the reality of the situation. "This doesn't come down to what I want at all. I don't have the right to put myself before you. I never did."

"I suppose that is the true story of my life: me not understanding a thing and getting it all wrong at every turn. "But rather than dancing around this, I'll say it directly: not trying to stay in touch with you is something I've regretted for a long time. "I will always regret the days I lost, even now that we've reconnected."

That doesn't mean everything is magically fixed, nor that he won't fall into some old habits. He has to catch himself when he automatically excludes himself from the MC's meeting with their moms, and he'll still be apologizing and criticizing himself long after the MC has forgiven him.

"You've never allowed me to wallow in my misery, except for when you had to. When I made you have to because you couldn't get a hold of me. "But when I see you, I'm reminded of what it is like to be seen. "How it feels to have someone who knows you, cares about you, has memories with you, who wants to make more memories together. "And I tried to undo that- "Twice. By keeping you as far away from me as I could."

"Unfortunately, I've yet to think of a good reason why this admission isn't another of my patently bad ideas. It isn't as though I've been thoughtful in return. "I can't stand doing anything in the morning, even if I can pretend to, for my clients. As you know, I can't afford elaborate trips these days. "My only remaining social contacts are limited to the wedding industry, not performative theatre or owners of fancy cars or the like. "I've never been a good partner, even a good friend, to anyone who has crossed my path."

"My few victories were hollow and I'm still sorry I took that out on you at the start of this."

Nevertheless, he has no desire to run away from the MC now, because he never had a desire to run in the first place. He just needed to understand that it was okay to want, and that he wasn't the worthless person he thought he was so he could stop projecting how he felt about himself onto how people feel about him.

This makes way for Baxter to experience a lot of things that most people would have long since had at that point in their lives: he gets excited simply by having a person hanging out at his house, is incredibly pleased to have someone he can be (dance) with, and he's so amazed that he can have these things in his life that he's actively eager to prove to the MC how much he'll be sticking around, to the point of being ready to visit them at the soonest time possible.

"Hallelujah. Admittedly, a part of me was convinced I wouldn't go through with it. What if you thought I had lost my mind to follow you right after we barely reestablished a connection? "But having this last day together, knowing it was the last, was the final push to pursue what I actually wanted."

His story, essentially, is about a fall from issues of self-centeredness just to pendulum swing into ones of self-worth instead. It's about balancing on a tightrope of bringing short bursts of happiness to others while trying not to let his ego take hold of him again. It's about denying himself what he wants and refusing to hear otherwise before finally recognizing that he deserves to be happy.

That's Baxter Ward.

TL;DR:

Baxter starts as an egotistical child - encouraged by his rich parents and the kids constantly impressed by his showing off - but that changes when he obtains genuine friends and learns the value of real relationships.

Realizing that he'd relied only on what his parents had to make connections with people, Baxter doubts his own worth as a person and is unable to imagine that people would feel differently about him than he feels about himself.

Baxter falls out with his friends due to the age gap and not having time for each other, coming to the conclusion that he'd not done anything for them.

Under the belief that he has no inherent long-term value, Baxter goes on flings and seeks to create fun moments with people rather than anything that would require revealing more of himself than he feels is attractive to others; this has the side effect of making him highly critical of himself over even minor mistakes.

Baxter goes to Sunset Bird meets the MC, who (along with the MC's friends) makes him feel a sense that he might actually be someone important to others, which he then actively tries to convince himself out of due to fear of risks/the unknown.

After leaving the MC on no contact, Baxter continues to miss them, but feels like he would only bother them further if he saw them again even if it were just to apologize.

Baxter ends up seeing the MC again in his Step 4 and is confronted thusly by his unfading feelings. This leads him to try and maintain the distance he'd created in an attempt to protect himself, yet he's unable to keep himself from letting loose every now and then because it goes against what his heart wants to push the MC away.

Though horrified by the idea that what he'd done in the past might have been a mistake and preferring (at the start) to go on without knowing, Baxter ultimately reflects on his actions and acknowledges to himself why he's been doing what he's been doing, and that he doesn't want to let the MC go again without laying everything on the table.

[daughter-of-thanatoss]

I blink a couple of times, "Uhh I mean Nyx. Your godly parent is the goddess of night. She's ancient. Made at the start of the universe. Zeus hell most gods fear her. In some versions she's the earliest deity to exist" I tell her.

"And underworld kids tend to be kids of gods that have most if not all their business in the underworld. Or they have certain abilities that reflect their underworld like heritage" I explain.

"Nyx is not only one of the most powerful and ancient deities. She's an underworld goddess which is why you can shadow travel. She's known for the darkness parts of the underworld. Like Tartarus" I don't quite know how much she knows or even understands about her heritage. So I try to explain everything I can.

"It's not a bad thing. It just means you're probably immensely powerful. You'll need to learn to control and understand your power but overall. It's definitely not something you should feel negative about" I assure.

"my father is also an underworld God which is why I could tell you had some relation to it too. But Nyx?" I let out a whistle, "didn't see that coming"

{open Starter} run away

*you were walking around the town doing whatever people do, and you saw this teen running for their life they saw you and told you don't tell them you saw me. Then she went into an alley way*

What do you do?

(tags @acezinspace @emdabitchass @urbestestwindgod @cloak-of-ares @least-favorite-hades-kid @penelope-is-waiting @odysseus-of-ithaca-is-lost @aura-of-the-winds @lucifermorningstar-official @the-speedster-god @lethia-not-athena @/anyone )

(my master list)

(tell me if you want to be added or remove)

[jubileesstuff]

Know that Nico has new paperwork (thanks Barbara); he goes to school. Bruce realizes that there is a problem, well, multiple problems. The last time Nico actually went to a school, or something that's like a school, was in the 30s/40s. School now is different. Nico's ADHD and dyslexia that come with being a demigod don't help at all. Then there are the other students; Nico knows himself that children can be brutal (he lives together with Damian Wayne; he knows the Aphrodite Kids), but nothing prepared him for this. He has to be 7+ hours in a room with 20 or more kids. They use words that Nico doesn't understand; hell, he just learned what a microwave is and how to use it. His classmates use words like sigma, Ohio, Rizz, slay, or lmao. When he asked where these words are from and what the meaning is, they looked at him weirdly and asked if he doesn't have social media. That is the next thing he doesn't know.

Well, no, he knows about social media but does not have it. Why? Demigods and phones, or generally technology, are not the best mix. Tim and Barbara give him a presentation on Internet slang and what everything means. The problem is, they also don't know everything.

Barbara is more generational, lmao, lol, idk, iykyk, and smh. And Tim is too busy running a company and being Red Robin to learn the new slang teenagers have come up with. Nico can't ask Damian; he talks more like Nico's grandparents in Italy than a teenager in modern times. Bruce and Alfred are too old; the same goes for Jason and Dick. Cass probably also doesn't know. He could ask Duke or Steph. But Nico is too afraid to ask Steph. She will teach him stuff he never wants to know.

The last time Nico asked Stephanie something, she explained what fanfiction is. Fanfiction is something nice, but what came after fanfiction is something he wants to forget. She explained in detail what the Omegaverse is. He really, reallllyyy didn't want to know about that.

However, not only is slang a problem, but modern technology is a general problem. When someone asked if they should add Nico to a group chat for this class, he was confused. First he was like, 'Is this an after-school club?'

His classmates are convinced that Bruce Wayne has a strict 'No Technologyrule because Damian isn't that much better. Obviously everyone knows Damian Wayne; they all know that he also has no clue about slang or certain social media things. So the entire school (teachers included) is convinced Bruce Wayne is a strict parent.

One day, during a history lesson, Nico gets into trouble at school. It's the first time ever. The teacher talked about the time before the Second World War. They focused on Italy and America's relationship with Italy at the time. The teacher said something incorrect, and Nico corrected it. It became a full argument because the teacher obviously doesn't know that Nico was alive back then. Even if he was a small child, he still remembers stuff. He gets sent to the principal, where Bruce picks him up.

At dinner he gets asked by Dick, who is visiting, what that was about. After he explained it, the teacher said something incorrect about Italy and history; Dick asked how he knew that.Nico answered, "You know that I was alive back then."