#or if its queerplatonic or normal platonic or if its something else entirely | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

strangestcase · 4 years ago

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It’s so fucking funny when arophobes are like WELL BY YOUR DEFINITION GUESS I AM IN A QUEEPLATONIC POLYCULE NOW LMAO like Kevin you jape and joke but. you could be right y’know. Like whenever you say “I do [generic platonic intimacy] with my friends but I don’t call it a QueerPlatonic Partnership, its just friendship to me” you are admitting the only reason u aren’t in a QPP is because, while ur relationship COULD be described as one, you don’t call it that. That’s cool, only you get to define what your relationships r and how do u call them! That’s great! but listen. You’re saying your relationships fit The Mold of a QPP but that u just label it as a friendship thus making it Not A QPP -which is valid, u do u!- buuuuut then throw a hissy fit when someone, aro or not, decides to do it the other way around. Funny how that works.

Just say you hate the “weird”, “freaky”, “not normal” gays and go, u fucking traitor, And go do some self-reflection at that, hm? For starters ask yourself why do TERFs say the same shit about QPPs? Or why the hell do you assume polyamory is always NSFW? Or why do you have the need to define other people’s relationships/identities of them as if they were fuckin dumb? Or why do you call to the medicalization (“that’s just friends y’all need therapy lolololol”) of people who just fucking DARED do something cishets don’t like? Or why do you think amatonormativity, one of the biggest weapons of heteronormativity and the PatriarchyTM, doesn’t exist simply because the icky freaky aros and yucky cringe aces care about it? Or ur involvement with cringe culture which isn’t ableist at all! (last sentence is sarcastic btw)

“It’s just a friendship! I call that friendship” well they certainly don’t call it a friendship, the same way you don’t call your so-called Extremely Close Deeply Intimate Platonic Share-a-house friendships QPPs (which would be their “real“ name but as I’ve said before, you name your relationships how u want— not how others tell you, which is something exclus LOVE to do! so progressive /s). Like it’s not that hard, just stop getting pressed about how people live and define their platonic experiences , simple as that lmao... and that’s not even taking into account the HUGE amatonormativity we ALL, aro or not, face.

But sure KEVIN go on about how having a relationship that most cishets would undoubtedly bash and think of as some freaky “loveless” perversion of a married couple is actually A Very Normal, Not Opressed at All Normal Not Hated By Cishets Friendship. MAybe learn not to agree with TERFs and to apply some self-awareness and self-reflection to urself cause if u go around every post about QPPs saying “IF THIS EXISTED I WOULD BE IN ONE”, maybe you are so close yet so far to realizing QPPs are actually, while not normalized nor visible in cishet society, very common, particularly within the LGBT community, and even ur alloro ass could b in one without noticing...

i bet at least some exclusionists are probably part of the marginalized identities they love to shit on without knowing but they will take much much longer to notice than to make a miserable google search and educate themselves on what a queerplatonic partnership is and entails. Remember all those posts about mentally ill children never getting diagnosed because their parents r mentally ill too and having only known that reality they really think “everyone is Like That, everyone Does That“? Yeah this entire situation has a vague resemblance to that. “That’s Just friends! how is that Gay? Everyone does that!” Kevin, you are basically married to your best friend....... MOST CISHETS DONT DO THAT IN FACT ITS A SOCIETAL EXPECTATION TO HANG OUT MORE WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAN UR FRIENDS YOU PIECE OF OVERCOOKED MACARONI... FFS the day you douchefucks learn that amatonormativity is an important feminist term describing the insidious way heterosexual relationships are pushed onto people by putting romantic love above literally everything else will b the day I die. /hyperbole

Meanwhile keep it up with the racism and ableism Kevin, Good Job at redirecting homophobia towards the members of the community were suposed to be in for SAFETY and not popularity points. /s I’m sure ur cishet friends will laugh at first before they get tired of picking on the Freaky Gross Fake White Girl Queers (cause that’s what u assume every single aspec person is anyway lol, I guess all of the black aces I’ve met are bots then /j). Then it will be you because the bar for meeting cisallohet expectations gets higher and higher the more u commodify, assimilate, and sell off this community that, I HAVE TO REMIND U, ISNT A “YOU HAVE TO THIS GAY TO ENTER” COOL KID CLUB, it’s made for SURVIVAL, it’s a fucking radical CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT!

when u put your siblings down, we become vulnerable to the patriarchy

to destroy homophobia as it is, we have to defy the societal expectations of what a “normal” relationship is, because to most people, “normal” = “the only option”, and that option is marrying a person of the opposite sex and keeping romantic and sexual intimacy with them and centering ur life around THAT and NOTHING ELSE. A straight marriage in which u owe sex to ONE person as long as u are together. To even the most vanilla cis gay person, that’d be denying them of their own sexuality and agency. Hell a lot of cishets would find that boring, restraining, and unpleasant! They too have the right to explore their sexuality and have whatever relationships they want (as long as no one gets hurt, granted).

if we want to fight against that, we have to understand that ”weird” relationships are an option, Too, just as Good as the “default”! And QPPs are a BIG part of that!

so for your OWN SAKE, maybe learn what words mean and apply them accordingly before you go onto tumblr to bully other gay people for existing, OKAY?

TLDR: QPPs aren’t just friendships, the limits between different types of relationships are defined by the people who are in them and not others, QPPs are more common than it seems (some people could be in a QPP without noticing) but certainly aren’t normalized or accepted in cishet society, and exclusionists are ignorant (and racist and ableist) pieces of shit that are basically cutting off their noses to spite their face. Pushing other people out of the community to look better to cisallohets has very real drawbacks to everyone.

#long post #rant #anti exclusionist #queerphobia #arophobia #queermisia #aromisia

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zhydoesart · 4 years ago

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the only reward for love (JeffMads)

ships: QPR JeffMads

warnings: brief mentions of abuse, bullying, internalized a(ro)phobia, mild burn

word count: 3.5k words

AO3 Summary: "The only reward for love is the experience of loving." - John LeCarre. | Thomas is in love with his best friend James, who doesn't, CAN'T, want him back. And yet, James still feels a prickle of jealousy whenever Thomas flirts with someone else in front of him.

Whenever James sees Thomas flirting with other people, he grits his teeth and keeps himself from saying anything. After all, it’s not like they’re dating.

It’s not like James is even in love with him.

Still, he can’t stop the jealousy from clouding his head whenever he sees couples engaging in PDA. He wants that, he really does, but as hard as he tries, he can’t make himself feel the right way.

But if James is incapable of love, what is it exactly that he feels toward Thomas?

He’s wondered that before. Often, actually, if he’s being honest. For whatever reason, no matter how hard he tries, it just can’t be that simple for him.

James thought he was normal until third grade. Sometimes, in kindergarten, kids would have “romances” on the playground where they’d kiss each other’s cheek and hold hands while they played, and he’d thought nothing of it. In third grade, a friend had started pestering him, asking him who he liked. They’d gone around the group, asking everyone else, and everyone else had an answer ready to go.

And James had realized—he’d never felt like that.

What does it mean? To “like” someone? To “love”? He’s asked himself those questions many times, but he never has an answer. He doesn’t know.

James is in high school now. Shouldn’t he have experienced a crush by now? Would he even know it if he did?

He sees his friends grow up around him, mature, even start to fall in love. They start prioritizing their relationships over their friendships, and he becomes an afterthought, a name tacked on at the end of a statement when they look over and realize they’d left him out.

The only friend he’s spoken to in years is Thomas.

Thomas. It’s a name not unlike a happy sigh, it rolls off the tongue with ease.

James met Thomas in seventh grade.

He’d always been sickly, especially as a child, and sometimes other kids bullied him because he wasn’t strong enough to fight back.

He remembered the day they met. Another boy had pinned James against the wall and was threatening to hit him if James didn’t hand over his lunch money.

James looked around desperately for one of the lunch ladies or a teacher, but there weren’t any adults nearby. He had sighed, internally preparing to go another long afternoon without food.

It had been at that very moment that someone had stepped in.

“Leave him alone,” purred a voice. It hadn’t been loud or demanding, but still, it made the bully stop and look.

James squinted at his savior. The other boy was backlit by the sun, and all James could make out was the fluffy mass of curls on his head and his posture, confident with his hands on his hips.

“Why should I?” sneered the bully.

The boy who’d come to rescue James took a few steps forward into the shade, and then James could see his face.

“Because if you don’t, I’ll make your life a living hell.” James didn’t know how anyone could say something like that so sweetly, but the bully’s face whitened.

“Okay, jeez, man, I’ll leave him alone.” The bully backed away slowly, looking slightly nervous. Both James and his rescuer watched him go.

“You okay?” James registered the boy’s voice, closer to him than before, and he looked up to see the boy right in front of him. His voice was soft, and it instantly put James at ease.

James dusted off his knees—a habit, something he always did once the bully left, whether or not he’d been knocked to the ground. “Yeah.” He was somewhat subdued, and he stared at the ground.

“You sure?” The boy sounded genuinely concerned for James. That’s never happened before. No one asked if James was alright, not when he got his lunch money stolen and was threatened with violence. Not when his dad started yelling and his mom protected him. Not when his dad yelled behind closed doors, and his mom left the room with bruises on her face and a sad smile on her lips.

James thought about the question. “I don’t know.”

The boy paused. “Can I touch you?” James liked the boy’s jacket. It wasn’t something that he himself would wear—too brightly colored for him—but it looked nice on the boy. He nodded.

The boy put an arm around James’ shoulders. “Hm. I’m Thomas. You look lonely. Wanna be friends?”

James smiled. “Yes.”

“Hey, cutie, you did well in Debate yesterday. Keep it up, and you’re gonna go places.” Thomas winks, and the girl—he thinks her name is Katherine—blushes.

“Thanks,” she mutters, staring at her hands, and runs off to gossip with her group of female friends, all of which were huddled around their lunch table watching the exchange. He watches as she starts excitedly talking, and he shakes his head.

Thomas strides back to his table on his long legs, settling down on the bench across from his friend. His spoon is still sitting on his napkin where he’d left it earlier, and he picks it up, glancing at James.

James… looks almost sad. In fact, if Thomas didn’t know better, he’d think James was jealous.

As it is, he does know better. He’s not sure James has ever liked anyone, let alone him. Unless he’d just been very good at hiding it. And while James is generally a quiet person, there’s an exception when he’s with Thomas. James tells Thomas everything, and vice versa. Well, he can’t tell James about this. So… not everything, he supposes. Not anymore.

The reason why he flirts with other people isn’t because he isn’t interested. In fact, it’s the opposite. He flirts with other people as a distraction. A distraction from the fact that the person he really wants to flirt with is right there, a literal arm’s length away, and he can’t.

(Thomas isn’t actually interested in girls, so perhaps it isn’t right for him to get their hopes up—although it is common knowledge that he’s gay, and the girls still giggle and blush when he flirts, so it isn’t entirely on him.)

James has this wistful look on his face, and he’s gazing at Thomas. When Thomas makes eye contact, he blushes and looks away.

Thomas is too trapped in his head these days to know what to make of it. Maybe it’s finally time for him to talk to someone else.

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Angelica stares at Thomas in a way that makes him slightly uncomfortable, like she’s trying to read his thoughts.

He clears his throat. “I came here to talk, remember?”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, Thomas, I remember.” Angelica shifts in her chair, uncrossing her legs. “So what’s the problem?” she whispers, grinning.

Thomas is starting to regret this decision already.

Then again, who else would he talk to? Burr? Hamilton? Despite how popular he is, he doesn’t have many people he can confide in. Other than Angelica and James, there isn’t anyone else he’s on good terms with and talks to often.

“Okay,” he begins, stopping to gather his thoughts. Thomas is an eloquent person, and English is his first language, but whenever it comes to feelings, or James, he forgets how to speak. “Okay. It’s entirely possible I may have developed. Feelings. For someone.”

Angelica’s eyes narrow, and she leans forward. “You? Feelings? I thought you didn’t have those.”

“Hah.” Thomas rolls his eyes. “Very funny. May I continue?”

“Yes, you may.”

He glares at her, but there isn’t any malice. “As I was saying. I may have feelings. For.” He swallows. “James.”

Angelica’s eyes widen. “Oh.” Suddenly she seems awkward and possibly even guilty for teasing him. She lowers her voice. “Really?”

Thomas looks down, playing with his hands in his lap. “Yeah.”

Neither of them speak for a minute or two.

“Wait, why is this a problem again?” Angelica finally asks. “Isn’t he your best friend?”

“Yes, that’s part of the reason why it’s a problem.”

“Part?”

“I don’t think he’s ever liked anyone,” Thomas confesses. “I’ve known James for four years. He’s never once mentioned a crush.”

“Maybe he just didn’t tell you?” suggests Angelica.

“No, we tell each other everything. And I mean everything,” Thomas almost leaps to his feet, but instead takes a deep breath and remains in his chair. “He would have told me.”

Angelica shrugs. “Well, then, you might be right.” She pauses, examining Thomas’ body language. “What kind of response do you want from me?”

“I’m… not sure.”

Angelica straightens up. “You know that I know a lot about the queer community and its various labels.”

“Yes?” Where is this going?

“From what little I know about your, uh, ‘situation,’ I think James might be aromantic.”

“What’s that?” He thinks he knows, but he wants to hear it from the mouth of the expert.

“Aromantic means you don’t fall in love. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t feel any kind of love, however; platonic love is still very much there.” Angelica is watching him carefully—gauging his reaction?

“I see.” Does James know he’s aromantic? Is James aromantic? Is Thomas just jumping to conclusions? When he gets home, he should do some research. Knowing more never does any harm, unlike not knowing enough.

“Does that help?” Angelica asks.

“I think so.” Thomas pushes his chair back, getting to his feet. “Thank you.”

The whole walk home, Thomas is lost in thought. He’d honestly be doing research on his phone if there wasn’t a serious danger of walking into things and people—he’d learned his lesson in the past.

The minute he gets up to his room, he drops his backpack on the floor, leaps into his spinny chair, and uses the momentum to roll up to his desk.

Thomas does a few Google searches for aromantic, then a few more for aroace. He’s reading an article on aromantic-related vocabulary when he comes across the word queerplatonic.

What it says is “queerplatonic: a form of love that isn’t inherently romantic or platonic. It’s different for each person who experiences it.” And a little farther down the page: “QPR: a queerplatonic relationship.”

Could…

Is that something he could have with James?

He reads a few more articles, then a few more, and a few more, until it’s dark outside. He retires to bed, but he doesn’t fall asleep for half an hour. He lies in the dark, thinking.

Unfortunately, Thomas and James don’t share any classes this year. Junior year means they have to start thinking about college, and thinking about college means having to take different classes depending on what you intend to major in. James isn’t going to major in the same thing as Thomas, so they’re taking different classes, which means the first and only time they can see each other during the school day is during lunch.

“Hey,” Thomas says as James sits down. James doesn’t give a verbal response, merely nods. “I said hello.”

“Hello?” James says uncertainly, and Thomas chuckles.

“Hello!”

“Hello.”

“Hello—”

“Okay, that’s enough, we’re not doing this again!” exclaims James, and Thomas cackles. “Are you done?” Thomas shakes his head.

“I can’t breathe,” he wheezes, slapping the table, and James catches his water bottle as it falls. Thomas gasps for breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Okay. So how was your day?” he asks, trying to recover.

“I will never understand you,” James deadpans. “My day was fine. Uneventful. How was your day?”

“Boooring.” Thomas unscrews the lid on his thermos, and James eyes it suspiciously. Thomas has had his fair share of spills, and it’s never a good thing when he brings in soup. “Oh, relax.” Thomas covers one of James’ hands with his own, and James attempts to regulate his breathing, since it had suddenly become more difficult. “Look, I haven’t spilled anything in two weeks!” Right as he says this, he nudges his thermos with his elbow. “Oh, shit—”

James lunges for the thermos. He catches it before it tips over completely, but can’t stop the soup from splashing onto his hand. He sets down the thermos and stares at his hand. It takes a moment for the liquid to start hurting.

“Jesus Christ.” Thomas grabs James by the wrist, using the napkin from his lunchbox to dry James’ hand. “We should get some cold water on that, I’m so sorry—”

That’s another thing. Thomas rarely apologizes, even when he goes too far during Debate club. (James is always there to watch, but never participate.) And yet, he doesn’t even think twice when he apologizes to James.

“Come on.” Thomas pulls James along behind him.

The bathrooms in their school are generally awful, both in hygiene and in upkeep, but the ones by the cafeteria are the cleanest due to food-related health regulations. That being said, the moment Thomas and James walk into the bathroom, one of the three lights blows.

Thomas mutters a curse, and James jumps. “Damn janitors. Maybe they should be paid more, maybe then they’d do their jobs.” He pulls James the over to the sink, holding James’ arm under the water. “Sorry again,” he says quietly.

“It’s okay.”

“No, maybe you have a point. I never spill at home, but maybe I get too excited when I’m talking to you.” Ha. Is this another instance of Thomas’ infamous flirting? James is just his friend, after all.

“You should come over today.” Thomas isn’t looking at James, instead paying attention to the water and the slightly irritated patch of skin on his arm.

“I have homework today,” James says noncommittally.

“Come over! Do it at my place.” Oh no. He’s about to bring out his pout. “Please?” James can’t say no to him, especially not when he pouts.

“Okay, I suppose I can. I don’t know how much we’ll be able to hang out, though. I have an essay to write.”

“That’s fine.” Thomas beams at him.

“My arm is very wet,” James says, and Thomas startles.

“Oh, right, sorry.” He turns off the water, moving to grab a wad of paper towels. James never liked the cheap brown paper towels they have in schools. They’re scratchy and poor quality. He lets Thomas pat his arm dry, vaguely registering how odd it is that his friend is proceeding to do all of this for him and yet ignoring the fact that it’s at all out of the ordinary.

The rest of lunch happens uneventfully. James listens to Thomas rant about Hamilton (like he does every day), picking at his salad. Thomas almost knocks over his thermos again, nearly giving James a heart attack, but at the last second Thomas realizes what he’s about to do and carefully moves his thermos far enough away that it isn’t a threat anymore.

Thomas is waiting for James outside his classroom after the last period of the day. Thomas doesn’t have a sixth period, and James idly wonders if he’s been standing there all period.

“Hey,” Thomas greets him.

“Hello.” James can’t help but smile.

“Ready to go?” Thomas asks, and James nods.

They walk home together, for the most part in silence. Occasionally, something will occur to Thomas, and he’ll chatter on for a minute or two, but then James won’t be able to think of anything to contribute, and the conversation fizzles out again.

“Look out!” Thomas says suddenly, pulling James in close to him, and James flinches as someone on a bike nearly clips him. “Watch out, dumbass!” Thomas yells after the biker. “Are you okay?” His voice softens as he speaks to James.

“I’m fine, thanks to you,” James says, keenly aware of how close he is to Thomas.

“That’s good,” says Thomas.

James pulls back a bit, and they continue walking. But Thomas, who’d grabbed his hand to pull him out of harm’s way, doesn’t let go, and James looks away to hide his smile.

Thomas pulls his hand away once they get to his house, and they both proceed to act like nothing happened, but James is secretly pleased, and he’s positive he sees Thomas hide a smile behind his hand.

Thomas settles on his desk chair, and James takes a seat on the bed, pulling out paper and a pencil. He begins to draft his essay, but in his peripheral, he can tell Thomas is watching him.

“Did you need something?” he says finally, head snapping up to look at Thomas.

“I have to tell you something,” Thomas says.

“Okay?”

“I… I love you.”

James’ blood runs cold.

“I don’t feel the same way.” There’s a lump in his throat.

“I know.” He doesn’t understand the way Thomas is gazing at him.

“You… know?”

“I talked to Angelica. I’m not just assuming that you haven’t been in love before, right?”

“No, you’re correct,” James says cautiously, furrowing his brows. Does Thomas know something he doesn't?

"Like I said, I talked to Angelica. She thinks you could be aromantic," Thomas says carefully.

"There's a name for it?" James asks, aware both his voice and body are shaking but unable to do anything about it. "I'm not… broken?"

Thomas' arms wrap around him, and he takes the opportunity to take a few deep, shuddering breaths. "No, you're not broken." He can hear the sad smile in Thomas' voice.

"If I'm aromantic…" The word sits just right on his tongue in a way nothing else has. "Then what do I feel for you? If it isn't romantic?"

Thomas pulls back, taking James' hand in both of his own. "I did research, you know. Something I came across was the term 'queerplatonic.' Do you know what it means?" James shakes his head. "It's a kind of love that isn't platonic or romantic. That's the best definition anyone could give me, apparently it's quite subjective."

James sniffles. "Oh."

Thomas smiles again, a little sadly. "There's something else, too. There's a thing called a QPR, which stands for queerplatonic relationship." James is suddenly very much interested in what Thomas is saying. "That's also subjective, and what you do in a QPR varies from couple to couple. It's all down to boundaries."

James laughs, a little breathy and a little disbelieving. "Really? Do you… do you think we could have that?"

"Actually, that's what I was hoping for when I asked you to come over today." Thomas looks down at his hands.

"You wanted to ask me to be your partner?"

Thomas instantly turns red. "Yes, well, um, maybe even boyfriend, if you'll have me?"

James nods fervently. This is happening, somehow. This is real. Thomas wants to be with him, even though James isn't in love with him. There's a way for them to be together. "What kinds of things do, uh… queerplatonic?" Is that right? Thomas nods. "Queerplatonic partners do together?"

"Oh, literally anything a couple could do." Thomas starts listing activities and quickly runs out of fingers. "Some go on dates. Some hold hands. Some kiss or cuddle. Some have sex." He sees the look on James' face and laughs. "Ok, so a no to that, you might be asexual then too. Some get married and even have kids together. Some are exclusive, and sometimes one or both partners date other people. It'd be entirely up to us."

"Well, then… could I kiss you?"

Thomas notices how close James is to his own face and turns red. "Um. Yes," he gulps.

And they kiss, and it's everything they both hoped it would be. It's James' first kiss, and even unrealistic expectations from the media don't set him up for disappointment because Thomas is wonderful (and also apparently really great at kissing).

"So are you my boyfriend now?" James teases, and to his credit, Thomas manages to keep a straight face.

"I suppose so," he answers, equally as smoothly.

Something clicks in James’ brain. "Wait, if you love me, then why did you flirt with all those other people?"

Thomas grimaces. "It was a distraction. I knew you didn't like me back."

"Oh." To think he was so jealous for so long, and now he gets to have Thomas all to himself. "I think I want this to be exclusive, if that's alright."

"That's perfectly fine." Thomas brings one of James’ hands up to his mouth and gently presses his lips against the skin. “I love you, after all.”

James pulls himself into Thomas' lap, and the taller man has the audacity to look surprised as James presses their lips together, winding his fingers in Thomas' curly hair. "You're mine now," James murmurs, and a thrill runs through him as he realizes it's true.

Tomorrow, they'd discuss the idea of announcing their relationship, and their boundaries, and what they'd even call it. Tomorrow, they'd tell Angelica, who'd ruffle their hair with a laugh, even though Thomas is taller than her, and he’d pretend to be annoyed. Tomorrow, Hamilton would bitch about the fact that Jefferson got a partner before he did, and Laurens, beside him, would look away.

But for now, they're free to do whatever they want, and right now, that's kissing.

Well… tomorrow, James has an essay due, and the usually quiet boy swears atypically as he remembers.

But they'll still have tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and every day going forward. It doesn't look like they'll break up any time in the near or far future, and who knows, maybe they'll stay together forever. Get that dog Thomas always wanted. Move in together. Wake up next to each other every morning.

But for now, James has an essay to write, and Thomas has a beautiful boyfriend to stare at/encourage/tease.

#hamilton #hamilton fanfic #jeffmads #hh what do i tag #modern au #high school au #this is my first legit work of fanfic in this fandom :o #honestly i thought itd be lams and not jeffmads

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marta-bee · 4 years ago

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More Mary Thoughts

@wizardlysherlok replied to this post on AGRA/Agra parallels in Doyle-cannon and BBC-canon:

it feels like if AGRA was empty of full, it wouldn’t be right for john neither way: if it was full, it would the the great betrayal and also the “she wasn’t supposed to be like that”, the wife who lied immensely to her husband and(for god sakes) shot his bf. If it was empty it wouldn’t work either because it was boring and the same life john was trying to scape because it was making him unhappy...conclusion : Mary does not work for john in every way

Ooh, a chance to talk about Mary generally! I’ve apparently got just enough codeine still in my system, and it’s close enough to the witching hour, that this seems like a fun topic rather than the don’t-poke-the-bear dread that usually falls on me when I speak her name in this fandom. Here’s hoping I don’t regret this come tomorrow.

Even in Doyle canon, I never particularly liked Mary’s story, which is meant as a judgment on Doyle and not some fictional woman. She’s clearly introduced because Watson --being a romantic-- needs a romantic partner, and for a whole host of historical reasons Doyle felt like it needed to be a woman. Any woman would do, apparently. And even without getting into issues of whether this is akin to queerbaiting, it also just makes for a very boring character IMO. Mary is the equivalent of a Bond girl : more saintly than sex-appeal, perhaps, but who only really exists as an object the male characters get to react against. There’s precious little of Mary specifically that makes any difference to SIGN.

I do like some of the grace notes Doyle gives her in later stories. I think there’s a reference in one of the stories that she had a reputation for being both kind and clever and women from her neighborhood came to her to help them solve their little problems, a sort of more everyday vision of Sherlock Holmes. But at least in SIGN she’s a walking trope and frustratingly little more.

I think the Granada series was wise to leave her out almost entirely. (She only appears in the movie version of SIGN, and there is only a client.) She just would have been a distraction to the story they were trying to tell. In the RDJ/Jude Law movies she’s actually brilliantly done, somehow challenging and supporting their relationship at the same time. She’s also witty and daring and would not seem at all out of place in a Jane Austen novel with all that witty back-and-foth, and all three of them have this great chemistry. If ever there was an adaptation that screamed both Johnlock and Johnlockary (and of course Warstan), it’s this one.

Goodness, we need more fanfic about Kelly Reilly’s Mary. I need to write her again. She’s brilliant.

Which brings us to the BBC. I’m going to be very brave and say my biggest problem with her isn’t that she wedged herself into John’s and Sherlock’s relationship and somehow came away with the right to dictate its terms, even posthumously. It’s not even that she lied to her husband and manipulated him, endangering him and their child in the process; or that she shot Sherlock, or was an assassin who apparently went mercenary. All of that could be really interesting if done well! And really, I can think of storylines that would actually justify quite a lot of that. Even shooting, even killing Sherlock, even not being apologetic about it after the fact- I could write a story where that character made sense as a romantic opposite to John. I actually got about 10,000 words into one attempt, though I never finished or published it because the fandom was pretty toxic to anyone interested in a more shades-of-grey ersion of Mary at the time.

No, what really drives me up the wall with BBC’s version of Mary is they don’t really settle on any one version of her. Actually in each of the five episodes she appears in, there’s this radically different version of who she are and what motivates her: supportive friend; bride; sociopath assassin; government agent; martyr. The most sympathetic take on that I can give is that Sherlock himself is trying to figure her out and can’t make sense of her so keeps trying one mold after another. But whatever the intent, the effect is that Mary’s just ridiculously muddled for me, and I never really connected to her because I didn’t understand her. I’m not sure the show-runners did either. Seeing what Moffat in particular did with women characters in Doctor Who makes me think he genuinely struggles to find them interesting if they aren’t really... extra, for lack of a better word. John and Sherlock, being men, had their BAMF moments but also a psychology that actually made sense along somewhat normal terms; Mary had to be a super-sekrit assassin, and a rogue that was targeted by a media mogul, and the hero who saved Holmes and then did it again from beyond the grave. All of which would have been fine if it actually came from a coherent characterization. But BBC’s Mary was all BAMF and stunning reveals and little to no coherence that made that make sense, so her character never really developed any kind of a reality for me. My brain couldn’t make sense of her, so my heart never latched on either. In the end I was just left confused and frustrated

Even all these years later! I still don’t know what to make of her, and that’s just bad writing. I would love to have a Mary who lied from start to finish with John “Trust Issues” Watson, or who shot Sherlock to the chest where it somehow made sense. That could be fascinating. It’s not what we got, though; at least it’s not what I was able to get out of the show.

Here’s another thing that would be fascinating, and I’d really love to see in some adaptation; even this one, though I don’t think we’ll get it. Mary Morstan in 1895 makes some sort of sense even with a suspiciously close friendship between Holmes and Watson, because male friendships operated in a very different realm than heterosexual marriages did. There were different kinds of intimacies in that time, I think. But when you bring the characters into the modern world, it eems like a super-close friendship like Holmes and Watson seem to have, one that seem to emotionally resemble marriage even if there’s no physical/sexual component, would be a challenge to what any self-respecting modern woman would tolerate from her husband. I don’t mean because it makes John gay, and of course married people can have friends, but there’s something about John and Sherlock that in the modern world strays damned close to emotional infidelity.

I mean, how can you have that without either weakening the relationship between John and Sherlock, or making Mary cuckolded in some sense? Now throw into the mix in this particular adaptation, even before Mary, John and Sherlock had a ... unique relationship. John would date and have sex (or not), Sherlock would be stuck in seemingly perpetual celibacy, but if Sherlock dared to date (and I think this would be true for a man as well as a woman) John goes into a disbelieving jealous rage. This strikes me as not normal male friendship, though it’s not romantic or sexual either. It’s queerplatonic af on Sherlock’s side, increasingly stretching the bounds of what can be called “platonic”, and for John, it’s kind of a monodirectional monogamy in at least an emotional sense. I mean, the man went and got married, but we all saw his reaction when Sherlock dared to (seemingly) date someone else.

Now throw a modern woman into that mix, trying to marry and start a family with one half of a duo in that truly fucked-up dynamic. Imagine what it would be like for her to exist in that world. You can imagine polyamory of some variety, or jealousy, or a very altered view from what the mainstream imagnes are the expectations of married life, or whatever spin you like to put on it.

I guarantee you -- if done well -- it would be fascinating. And I’d very much like to see it. Or read it, or something. If you want to make that woman as much of a danger junkie as John, as much of a skilled, professional killer, wehther on the government’s payroll or a disillusioned former agent who refused to follow orders and was forced to “branch out” or even just a true psychopath who was utterly self-motivated and ruthless but still wanted to protect John or at least what John represented to her?

Well, that could be fascinating, too. Even more so. There’s just one catch: you’ve got to actually tell the story. They never seemed to get around to that, and I think I’m still more than a bit bitter.

..... And apparently I’m rambling. Thanks for allowing me to talk about her a bit. I’ll shut up now. :-)

#sherlock holmes #mary morstan #marta blathers

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blacklacefanfics · 5 years ago

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nothing seems to make sense- rant on my sexual/romantic/gender identity, fanfiction, and a heteronormative world

I feel like whenever I seem to find some label or new identity that works for me, everything changes on me. I can’t figure out what I am or what I want or anything. (long rant post about self-identity)

All through my teenage years the idea of sex and stuff terrified me. I wasn’t interested in sexual pleasure or anything until I was 18 and actually tried stuff for myself.

Even then it only happened as an “on-needed” basis because I was still so averse to my own genitalia and luckily my libido was so low that it was hardly ever a problem. I remember when I was 10 years old and my mother explained periods to me, I cried the entire car ride home because it terrified me.

I did have crushes and stuff growing up, and I acted on them a lot (like admitting feelings to them) but nothing ever really came of it. But every time friends talked about sexual exploits I would get nauseated just from the mere mention. Like anxiety-nauseated.

I remember being 14 and finding out the word “bisexual” and deciding right then and there that it applied to me. I liked girls and guys and it made sense at the time. I just figured maybe I was a late-bloomer.

By the time I was like 22, I started looking into asexuality but it didn’t make sense. Because to be asexual you have to not experience sexual attraction at ALL. And I realized I had before- but it had been fictional characters and celebrities I was a fan of that caused me to be sexually attracted.

And even now as I’m thinking about it, I can’t really remember if I had experienced sexual attraction to anyone I had a crush on. Like, I can’t look at someone and say “I’m sexually attracted to them” unless... well, sometimes. I can rarely, I think. It’s almost always women I can be sexually attracted to without feeling connected to them first.

But my attraction has historically been mostly men, even if its been fictional or celebrity-based. Like I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years!!! I wrote and consumed a lot of sexual and kinky fanfiction that got my motor running, and I knew it was sexually driving to me. I am less interested in the sexual fanfiction than many other writers (I prefer nonsexual ones most of the time unless I’m “in the mood”) but still, I consumed it and it was safe and I was sexually interested. And it was only gay male fanfiction (even if they were written with vulvas) that made me interested. I just couldn’t connect to sapphic fanfiction for the life of me, which didn’t make sense to me because I thought I was a bisexual woman.

I came to the realization that I was nonbinary when I was 18. I didn’t really experience dysphoria 99% of the time because “feeling like a boy” only happened once in a blue moon. But it happened often enough (since I was 14) that I took notice and realized that I am genderfluid. I didn’t really bother with it except occasionally dressing more masculine and, eventually, cutting two feet off my hair. I didn’t even think about transitioning until I was 22, and I really didn’t want to before then.

Now I’m 24 and I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 14 weeks and 4 days. In September I realized and came out as a nonbinary trans man. My body seems to function better- I don’t know how exactly, but I can feel it. My hunger increased first, and then my libido. It’s like my nonexistent libido fucking skyrocketed and I feel “normal” amounts of sex drive.

I still haven’t had sex. I’m still scared, but its slightly less so. I’ve been putting pressure on myself for almost a decade now that I “should” be wanting sex and that I SHOULD have done it already. But I want to do it. But I also don’t. I don’t know, honestly.

I thought a while back that my feelings towards sex must have to do with me realizing I’m trans and that it has to do with bottom dysphoria. And I believe that has a good part of why I feel the way I do. That maybe if I was born AMAB I wouldn’t have these problems. But also now that I’m on testosterone, my bottom dysphoria has become less pressing and I realize the dysphoria is with the rest of me. So it can’t be part of it?

And then I realize that sometimes the feeling of being a woman comes back, once in a blue moon. Like how I felt when I first realized I was trans, but opposite. But this time I hate it because I don’t want to feel like a woman sometimes. So then my gender becomes another thing that I don’t know about, even though I feel happier and better on testosterone.

AND NOW I look back on my life and think about the “romantic interests” I had in life- was I really romantically interested?? Or was I just following how everyone else acted? But I remember having crushes as early as kindergarten. But even kids do what they think is “normal” so what if I was influenced?? I literally only chose the cutest guy in my class and “decided” I had a crush on him and then it became true because I decided it was.

A few years ago, I discovered the aspec/arospec communities and I try those terms too. But as soon as a new term feels like it fits, I feel like something from my past “proves” differently or something changes or I find someone I think is cute.

I find myself thinking that I am sexually attracted to personalities and not necessarily people. I mean, physicality is a HUGE part of it still for me, but I won’t find someone physically attractive until I know their personality. But I can still look at someone and think “they would be my type”- but how could I be demisexual, for example, if I know ahead of time that I could be attracted to someone? But also if I don’t like their personality, all attraction fades. So the personality does matter.

As far as arospec, I thought that would be no biggie for me. I had experienced crushes and romantic attraction I think. But like I said earlier, what if I’m wrong about myself?

I once talked to a friend about love and I told her that I don’t see why all the types of love are different. I don’t see where the lines blur for other people. I just either love someone or I don’t. And the more I love someone, the more intensely I want to be close to them. But also I love the idea of having a life partner or partners. I’ve also considered that maybe I’m just naive, because I have ADD and it’s known to cause emotional maturity to be delayed by about 4-5 years and MAYBE I really just wasn’t ready or mature enough to know.

The idea of relationships always freaked me out. Any time someone showed interest in me, it made me paralyzed with fear and I don’t know WHY. I always assumed that it was because they would expect sex from me, and the idea of sex paralyzed me as well, so it made me averse to relationships.

Then I thought that maybe I’m polyamorous and that feeling “stuck” with one partner scared me, because I need my freedom and room to breathe. And that maybe I need a triad or something to be happy.

And now maybe I need a queerplatonic relationship that I can be close to someone without the expectations that a heteronormative/allo-normative relationship have. But that can’t work either, because I might become comfortable enough to be romantically/sexually interested and then it wouldn’t exactly be queer-PLATONIC anymore, so that can’t work.

Every term I try seems to get close and I can’t find anything that hits the nail on the head that says “yes, this is me”. Asexual, aromantic, bisexual, biromantic, graysexual, demisexual, demiromantic, nebulasexual, omnisexual, panromantic, pansexual, abrosexual, abroromantic, NOTHING. I can’t seem to make anything work or fit for me because everything is too confusing and too much and I don’t know.

I don’t know myself. I don’t know what I want, or who I want, or when I might want whatever “it” is. I don’t like hating myself because I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what I want and it angers me. And I don’t know how to find myself.

#lgbt #lgbtq #aromantic #asexual #aspec #arospec #queer #bisexual #biromantic #pansexual #panromantic #demisexual #omnisexual #literally just tagging things that I have identified with #abrosexual #abroromantic #maybe someone could help me #its a scary world and i dont know how to fix myself

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 years ago

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Hello! I was wondering if you had any advice for my scenario: I don't think I am anything but heterosexual (most of my crushes have been women) but I think I might be potentially interested in my best friend (to give a description, he's gay himself)? I dunno, I think about the possibility and I'm not entirely adverse to the idea. I remember even cuddling with him and liking it. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Any advice?

Hi Nonny!

First of all, it’s totally okay to be confused about who you are and what you’re feeling: despite what the media and bigots want you to believe, sexuality is fluid and sometimes it really is “straight with an exception” as cringy as some people make that out to be.

Second of all, I’m not an expert, so this is my disclaimer to say that take my words with a grain of salt; I have never had any serious relationship in my life, but I’ve spent endless hours consoling my friends with my thoughts, so hopefully that will help you

Finally, I’m assuming you are self-identified as a male since you do offer a pronoun for your friend, and given the context of the wording of this ask, it’s the deduction I’m making here.

Now that that’s all done and done: IT’S OKAY. Sometimes, we discover things late in life about ourselves *coughs* either due to environment or our own ignorance, and when we take a moment to sit down and self reflect, the whole world suddenly clicks. It IS a scary thing to think you’re one thing but as our understanding of sexuality continues to expand pretty much daily, the more everything starts to make sense. Lovely, it could be anything from just feeling comfortable around your friend to actual attraction. I think with men, it’s difficult to parse those feelings because you guys are forced to not engage in them because “it’s not manly” or “you’re such a girl if you do” (which I don’t understand why that’s an insult but go off I guess). For that reason, my heart hurts for guys because societal norms dictate that you aren’t allowed to discover yourself. It’s slowly getting better, but there’s still a lot of work to do.

So in that sense, Nonny, I understand why you may be confused and unsure, especially if you may have been brought up to bottle up those feelings or to not be allowed to self-reflect. I’m here to tell you: IT’S OKAY. Be emotional. YOU ARE HUMAN, and as such, we are emotional creatures. I’d rather you cry and talk about them than bottle up your emotions to a point where they convert into anger and bitterness.

So, back to your question after my little tangent there. I’m NOT going to label you, Lovely, that’s not my place, but many-a-people I’ve talked to mention similar feelings when realizing that they were bi- or pan- romantic/sexual, and only realized it later BECAUSE they were in similar situations or escaped confining lives that shunned anything other than the heteronormative.

Sexuality is a GINORMOUS scale that ranges from “not at all”(sexuality) to “very very”(sexuality) and there’s so much in between that, that it’s PERFECTLY NORMAL to possibly be “straight with an exception” if THAT’S the label YOU choose for yourself. I’m not going to tell you “nope, you’re bi, sorry”. That’s not my place. You know yourself better than some rando blogger on the internet, LOL. THAT SAID Lovely, I am going to encourage you to at least sit down and do a LOT of internal self-reflection, and reading up on sexuality on Wikipedia, or, just doing a bit of Googling I found the Bisexuality Resource Centre and I don’t know what its reputation is amongst other bis, but just like AVEN helped me as a STARTING POINT to understanding who I am, perhaps that site will also help you as you begin this journey. From there, like I did, you’ll find some terms and other books you can read and Google and begin to formulate your own opinions and understanding about you. Here’s an interesting article on wikiHow that talks about trying to define friendship from romantic feelings. And another one here from Psychology Today on Platonic love.

So, where does that leave you with your friend, then? I think it’s important for me to note here that it’s VERY IMPORTANT that through your journey, you NEED to also take your friend’s feelings into consideration; PLEASE don’t lead him on if you have no intention of following through. It’s very possible that you and your best friend are just SO comfortable with each other that seeking physical contact is y’all’s way of expressing your appreciation and platonic love for each other. Chances are good, depending on where you live, that he feels constantly on-guard when he’s in public and when he’s with his family, so letting his guard down around you is a high honour that you should NOT exploit. Cuddle and hug, there’s nothing wrong with that; there IS such a thing and queerplatonic life partners / relationships (my best friends have this very thing, in fact), and you guys could love each other very much and get everything you need out of a relationship without sex.

Here’s where it gets tricky and scary, though, Lovely, and it may be better to address it before it morphs into something that will irreparably damage your friendship. I think in this case it may be worth talking to your friend about your confusion, but don’t necessarily say it’s because of him. Express to him that you’ve been having some feelings lately that you’re not sure about, and you’re currently trying to learn about yourself and his opinions and strength will be valued. If he is your best friend, he will encourage you and be a shoulder for you while you navigate your emotions. He should be able to provide you with that “in the know” knowledge of how you can understand yourself so that you will be happier and less confused. Men so often don’t talk about their feelings, and trust me, it will be beneficial to you in this case, I think. Talking makes it REAL. Keeping it to yourself only internalizes it and can fester wrong conclusions.

Will it become awkward between y’all? Maybe, possibly, or not. The cuddles may stop, if only so that you guys don’t get your feelings mixed up with your friendship. But know that everything will be OKAY at the end of it all. My self-discovery journey took 4 years, so it’s NOT an overnight thing. But having someone you trust to talk about it, and to acknowledge it makes you feel more valid. And in the end, if it becomes something else or not, at least you know a lot more about you and about where you want to stand in your relationship with your best friend.

Now, I’ve avoided saying this next bit up until this point because the important thing to focus on is YOU, BUT. There’s ALSO the slight possibility that you guys got yourself into a Sherlock-and-John situation where he’s ENDLESSLY pining for his only-dated-women-since-we’ve-been-together best friend, and he’s keeping quiet because he loves you and your friendship is more important to him than losing you… which is why he allows the cuddles with you. IF that scenario is the case, AGAIN, you guys NEED to talk about it so you’re not leading each other on. A strong friendship will survive an emotional upheaval / revelation like that, and even if nothing comes of it, you guys will still be besties.

Bah, sorry it took me so long to answer this, Lovely. I was crying the whole time I wrote this because I’m a sap and it reminds me of my own “oh shit I’m not broken” moment. That and I am SO worried that your friendship will break, but you guys seem to be very close so the TL;DR version of this is: TALK. Honestly, many problems are solved with open and honest communication, and having someone close to you hold your hand on your journey will be a welcome thing to have.

In the end, this is YOUR decision to make, so have a think on it, weigh your options, and do what your heart feels is right.

If any of my followers experienced something similar, or if I have erred anywhere, please feel free to add your own, Lovelies, so that Nonny doesn’t feel so alone and so that they can know that everything will be alright.

#steph replies #my advice #life advice #friendship vs relationship #friends #chatting with nonnies #Anonymous #sexuality

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