#its a scary world and i dont know how to fix myself

[mihai-florescu]

Im never being a hater again im a reformed man!!! Im a being full of love only, shabby and foolish, but that's okay

[radiotorn]

having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.

[methvapes]

your art is so good but every post you make is a literal mindfuck what is even happening here

i wrote fanfiction about us

it was a dark and stormy night

being a criminal justice mastermind i dont often bring my skillset into the real world

and yet sitting here, in my private investigators office, 73rd floor atop the highest skyscraper in new york city, i can appreciate the intellectual high ground it takes to make it this far, in a world gone mad. its 1972, and yet my minds still stuck in the past, in the could haves and the what once was

a drag on my marlboro brings me back into the present. a knock on the door. another knock. i exhale a foul smelling line of smoke out my mouth and flick the butt of my dart outta the window. let some other poor schmuck deal with it. ive got enough on my plate

adjusting my melancholic overcoat, and sleazing my way over to the door, i can see the silhouette of a greasy, stout man infront of it. a piercing voice carries through my office and out into the streets of the city. his speech wrests its way through my ears in an attempt to make them bleed, surely, even the street dogs would be whining at the shrill pitch of it. and yet… i know who this is. anonymous.

a scowl makes its way to my face, from my 5 foot 11 stature. distaste registers in my mind. i knew this guy as kids, when he used to bathe in grease and shit every day and then roll around in the streets, looking desperately for a thing he called, "asks". accompanied often with a flattened stone, or a piece of paper, with buttons drawn crudely onto it. we all assumed he was an escapee of the nearby mental institution as children, and i was the only one patient enough to be kind to him, enduring his insane prattling about something or other, or his blatant disregard for the female sex, and juvenile objectification of women

"my MINECRAFT mods wont LOAD CORRECTLY! i sense that SOMEONE HAS MEDDLED WITH my STATE OF THE ART gaming PC and LARD SOAKED CHAIR!"

he seems to be writhing on the floor of my waiting office, and throwing a tantrum similar to that of my 3 year old daughter

"anon, anon, my friend, what could be the issue?" i attempt to quell the insane beast to no avail. often he would lull into some breakdown or another, freakouts that wouldnt pertain to our world

"oh mister investigator sir! you gotta help me!" i can hardly understand him through his blubbering tears. "you gotta help me i saw a very scary monster in my room, and he went under my bed! you gotta help me kill him mister investigator sir! he meddled with my future device! i need my fix of asks!"

what a world we live in. do i help a childhood acquaintance, and attempt to quiet his babyish outburst? my illustrious supermodel big breasted booty cheeked up rich successful atheist businesswoman wife and supergenius 3 year old daughter would surely miss me on my adventure, and yet i find myself hungering for the hunt of the game yet again, even as the hunt is little more than a search for a round object in a ball pit, with the mental limitations of my good friend anonymous. i decide to help him with his journey free of charge. i know hes rather broke after spending all his time at the local casino. i told him he didnt know how blackjack worked after he tried to bluff a win, and got beaten senseless by the guards. tsk. whats a man of my caliber to do?

"ill help you anon, if its the last thing i do."

grabbing my '66 colt diamondback, and my silky fedora, i stride over to the door with purpose. my bumbling sidekick tottering his way over to the exit and falling over immediately upon walking through the doorway. i always did forget he had the object permanence of a toddler. we make our way downstairs

the rain pours out upon that damned, dirt filled city. taxis and cars blazing by my office in hurried races

stepping onto the pavement, anon rushes forwards, step after shortened step. in horror, i watch as he trips on one of his homemade "mobile devices" and falls into the street. a taxicar's yellowed paint feels like a slap in the face as the dark street fills with the blood of my childhood friend. heroically flagging down traffic in the tense night of the city, i race to his side. the man who was like a distant cousin to me. an eccentric nephew, or odd sort of relative, gone in the blink of an eye.

but yet! hope! as anons labored breathing grew more stagnant by the second, i knew i only had moments to spare. jumping 15 feet into a nearby vehicle, i hotwire the wheel in mere seconds, racing my way to the hospital. i knew i could save him… if only… if only i had more time…

a race against the clock, i could feel the ticks of milliseconds pound against my skin like the judgemental gavel of a courts closing. like a stampede of hooves amid a horserace. like a thrumming engine, ready to blow at any given moment. i needed to get to that hospital

minutes later, there i am, pulling into the crowded parking lot. carrying his frail and short four foot two body into the intensive care, i knew there would be lasting damage. a man doesnt play modded minecraft all day and be left with the highest condition of physical ability, after all.

"nurse! ready a room for my friend! immediately!" i shout, as i shed my private investigators coat and reveal a second doctors coat underneath. i also pull out a surgical liscence from my back pocket, where it had been digging into my ass all night which hurt really bad. it also explained why i looked so bulky and puffy under 2 coats. from anonymous comes faint mumbling.

"need more… need more fried mushrooms… radishes…. the jade door… collapsing… oh… the sand… help…" it seems he had been having some kind of nightmarish hallucination, spurred on by him getting run over by a fucking car. i rush to the operating room. the rest of it is but a blur, as i endlessly repair damage thought to be deadly, and attempt to restore function to his marred body.

its 7 hours later, when he is finally placed in a visitation recovery room. maybe his 4 moms could come and visit him, it might help with this apparently insane state he had been put in. mutterings about, squids, of all things. squids? who likes squids? those damned creatures from the sea?

anons odd ramblings only seemed to continue from there, to my eternal dismay. "the truth… im unclear of the truth… 2003… cleopatra.. wife boobs…" i was deeply unsettled by this, and forever in grievance of the loss of one of my friends. as a strong male figure, i emotionally was unsure of what to do from here… a loss… devastating to this world.. one soul less among the masses of our earth… lifes but a walking shadow, a power player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more

[mobydingus]

Hii um, really sorry about bugging you but I was scrolling through tags and I saw that you drew lovely Nathan and Leslie work a while back; I'm wirting a huge personal AU and one of the subplots is her breaking Nathan out of camp so they can do a world domination thing lol

I've never seen any headcanons of them ever so it's super hard to wirte (even if it is just for myself, but I love over analyzing both of them) so I was wondering if you had any cools ones that you're comfortable with sharing?? I'm really really sorry if this is random, from a random user but I'm just so content starved and your art on here is so comforting and I love the scene one so so much!!!!

So um, if you can please tell headcanons >⁠.⁠<

wow i really appreciate that! i have a few, nothing too exciting. im not sure if you meant for them interacting or independent headcanons but ill say what i remember. it might be a longer response than you asked for LOL

for more technical ones:

i headcanon that nathan knows at least a little about how leslie works as a robot so if she gets hurt he can help fix her (but hes no robotics engineer so he cant do much about major damage). i also think that she can continue to mimic voices (like when she pretended to be president). she can use this to help herself or nathan (usually blackmail) but she also uses it to taunt nathan (for example, mimicking jimmy to piss nathan off). i also think leslie can change her body temperature from colder than a human to scalding hot (sometimes not on purpose, if she isnt working properly she might overheat which could damage her). i always imagined that there was some sort of underground facility (i wanna draw this but lazy) where she went to recharge, but thats one of my more fantastical headcanons. i personally think she didnt have parents or a house to live in (only a facility) but thats just me. i imagined that after leslie died, nathan recuperated and went to the crime scene or wherever her body was held and either: a. she showed signs of being functional, so he broke her out. or b. assumed she was completely dead/a lost cause and left her there (and she was still alive but wasnt capable of showing signs). both are fun ideas . i imagine that nathan diverted a great deal of his savings from drug-dealing to help repair leslie if he had saved her.

as for their relationship, in my headcanon:

neither of them will admit that they care about one another, even though they do. leslie doesnt admit it because she thinks that being emotional could compromise her rational thinking. nathan does not admit it because i dont think hes ever admitted any true feelings of appreciation or friendship for anyone lol. he would not do anything that might make him emotionally vulnerable (not that hes really conscious of this).

they both taunt eachother and can be meaner than they intended to. they both have a habit of lying to others in canon, so i imagine they still do that.

from a rational standpoint, leslie considers nathan an important asset and his ability to keep quiet about important (and unethical) things makes him valuable for secret operations. from a not-so-rational standpoint, she appreciated his different approach to life and the fact that he is not phased by leslies bizarre nature (the way she acts when she drops her act of being some innocent kid). she has grown fond of him in a way that i believe resembles an unspoken friendship.

nathan first considered leslie as another person to harass, but after being "employed" by leslie, he began to actually appreciate her, and its probably the first time a girl did not instantly hate or pity him. he probably has some sort of crush, but maybe not because leslie is crazy. he also thinks leslie is scary (but so do most people who have dealt with her "mask-off"). i think nathan likes leslie more than leslie likes nathan, but nathan is the first person she goes to if she has a problem, so they are dependent on each other at least a little.

thank you for your ask. hope it wasnt too much of an answer

[tokyogruel]

For the ask game 1 and Shidou

1. favorite song lyrics?

throw down;

“Throw down” connecting you with me, To keep you alive, you are still living “Throw down” the invitation that I can’t take back,"

"After stabbing you with my words, the blood started to flow And slowly stained my white"

"Hey, you remember what it feels like?"

"Now slowly close your eye, put your regret on display Wish for being there for someone With the same expression no matter who comes I don’t feel scared because I don’t know"

“Throw down” emotions with no color"

also mouiiyo,, and how easy it was to make him say mohito instead

i dont have a lot to say about the kanji in this one, because i dont know most of them. ive also listened to throw down significantly less than triage

triage:

"This sick joke, I can’t take it any more, I surrender You don’t even know yet, and yet Killing, extracting, I still won’t see them again I need to be tagged as RED" (this one is my favorite because, the line is spoken as this: 赤を巻きつけてくれ　"aka (red) o maki tsukete kuRE-" with emphasis on Re, so it gives the impression that he is saying RED at the end of the sentence.

"If the voices crying out in pain, can be saved by me Allow it to be my charge and mission"

"So this is unpleasant, hurling slurs of “hostage game”

the kanji,,

he refers to himself with 俺 and it kind of pisses me tf off like shut up and use 私 before i kick your ass

"ほら必要さ　俺は必要だから"

必要 "hitsuyo" means "necessary" or "needed", its translated to "indispensable" in the song. i think its fun though, 心 is "kokoro" or heart. so it looks like shidou is cutting into the heart of a person, cause this: 要 looks like a person running, right? so fun

liar dance:

"Stolen? Just whatever do you mean?" Feigning ignorance today as well Having made a vow, to you and you alone Declaring this loveless love of mine in front of you"

"Committing myself to this performance, set lines and all Those memories we've desperately created and clung to,"

"This love that's grown so weak, Go ahead and drain the cup till there's nothing left For no matter where we go

There's no fixing this"

"Everyone and their brother is laughing at you Even I've become unable to see you as anything but a lie But somehow I still have these feelings for you"

"Turn me inside-out and I look just like you It's nice to meet you, "Crime" and Punishment"

"It's already twisted beyond recognition It's a bit scary. But the moon looks so beautiful, doesn't it?"

delusion tax:

"Looks like you’re thinking some pretty nice thoughts over there… Are you really satisfied with just that? Don’t you think it’d be nice for it all to come true?"

"Existing for your sake alone, mandatory affections and obligated kindness Though you should be satisfied, a voice from within shouts “NO!” We have an idiot on our hands, it seems…"

"None of it will come true if you don't pay the price Look, just up and borrow the "desired amount" Reality is a bitter-sweet pill to swallow Come now, let’s go beyond all this pain"

"That’s right, for all these dirty delusions, let’s settle the bill with this dirty money" (which is my favorite line of all of his songs, especially the kanji and how he sings it. "そう、汚い妄想は汚いお金で解決させましょう")

"That which you wish for, the person you think of, The past which you hate as well, they’ll all be as you like. The kind of face and chest you desire, they’ll be granted if you pay.

“It’s a promise”

"Turning wishes into reality Right now, buy back your future"

"僕が世界の中心なので"

some recurring kanji in his songs i enjoy also are "sekai" 世界 (world) "ai" 愛 (love) and "tsumi" and "batsu" (罪と罰) which are "crime" and "punishment" respectively, which ill get into more

i also really love how much he makes references to deco's 罪と罰/tsumi to batsu/crime and punishment

throw down:

triage:

liar dance:

this one is a very explicit reference teehee

and delusion tax is the only one that doesnt use 罪 or 罰

[mbat]

i dont believe in any higher power or things necessarily happening for a reason but its. actually insane how im spending a second year of my life thinking a whole lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil at the same time, the first time being 2016. and like, how im comparing the two years

2016 was when i first began isolating myself, it was the beginning of the end yknow. a lot of things changed back then and not really for the better

and this year im trying my damn hardest to end that, to fix the stuff i caused starting back then

how much i dont feel like how i used to anymore mentally

also how far ive come in my queer journey as well, i didnt even concieve me of being trans back then lol (i wont put the picture here cause its so unserious but i LOVE that one meme with jesse pinkman and the caption is "girls fetishizing mlm and then 5 years later they look like this" like. THAT WAS ME)

idk, its just like... thats so weird, wow. just how things came together. i just keep reflecting on this stuff so much lately just cause like... i might actually get to live my life. i know i said it before but i really did think my life was over, that i fucked it up all cause i was a teenager going through so much that i was completely unprepared for, some things that no one couldve been prepared for. i did my best with what i had, but what i had was crumbs.

and now i really have a chance. i really have a chance to actually be a person again. thats so fucking scary but its also amazing. theres a whole world out there and i want to be a part of it so badly, and i dont quite know how i will be, but at least ill have the option

so yeah, 13 year old me thinking a lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil simultaneously, and now 21 year old me doing the same thing. its like im still that kid, and yet not at all. i wish he knew everything that would happen, but i know he had no way to.

[infin-8-morphosis]

Monthly not-dead progress post here we go

Still working on my model. Theres too many little bits to say what I have and havent done (sooo much redoing) but umm in brief,

Oh this isnt brief whoops lets put a cut, tldr model good still wip, new map with Peirce Quinuncial projection, more website work, lots and lots of little half done things as usual

Functional eyes and eyelids, actual mesh is more or less 100% done, and partially unwrapped, but havent skinned it properly.

Partially rigged, but rigging will neeeveeer be finished. Thankfully my twisted setup with multiple rigs and multiple rigs inside those rigs actually seems to work...?

A brief rundown is:

The rig is made of 3 sets of identical bones: the scaler, poser, and deformer. The poser handles, most posing, shocking, and is more or less the 'crown' rig. The scaler doesnt move but scales, and said scale is copied to the poser. The deformer is the only set that deforms the mesh, it copies the location of the poser. So, Scaler scales the poser, poser moves the deformer. You should never need to view anything except the poser BUT and its a cool but, since the deformer is isolated from the poser, it also acts as a sort of pseudo FK rig, allowing fine adjustment of the posers IK positions. VERY handy!

There are other rigs, like an eye rig for just the eyes, a character-specific rig for the face (just not possible to use the same rig even with my scaling trick, and i dont want to have to worry about breaking the most important part of the mesh) and soon i will begin the harrowing task of a hair rig... for each hair. Fear and suffering ahead, but also funny hairdos.

Thankfully my trick to use geo nodes to fuse the meshes together seamlessly seems to work, but it seems to mess with uv's so still a roadblock. I nedd to really knuckle down on understanding geo nodes, and also get more fmailiar with uvs in the technical sense...

Also making an effort to completely ditch shape keys (FUCK shape keys) by using lattices instead. This is... unfortunately janky. But, useable. I dont care if it isnt perfect anyway, I just hate shape keys. The main trouble is how dogshit lattices are... They work so odd. And very destructively, so if I screw up a pose, tough shit...

Yet to step into the scary world of 'so will we actually model our characters with this' since at any point I can break things and will need to redo things... but also the sooner i start the sooner I catch things that dont work or need fixing...

Non-model wise I'm making pretty good progress on the map. As you probably dont know I have yet fucking again started from near scratch, but this time with the sexy as hell Peirce-Quincuncial map projection (go look it up its very good). This means a less warped map and also more sensible views of the poles, which were always a bit hacky on an equirectangular map since my planets 'poles' are on the equator. ie imagine a globe rotated 90° so the bottom and top are at the sides. Im feeling much better with how it fits together (even 'simulated' the plate tectonics a little to get them more accurate. Surpisingly my eyeballing it was about 80% correct!) but yet again the main headache is the actual height. Very, very hard to keep heights consistent and proportional.

Today I worked on my website! I had not checked on it in quite some time. Refamiliarised myself with its inner workings (loooove css. Very fun. Oddly fun battling wordpress to change things from its defaults that are often quite odd. For example, drop shadows only go to the bottom right. You cant alter it in the editor. Why??? So i just... edited the default shadow's css. Easy peasy. The hardest part was tracking down where exactly wordpress defined shadows. However there is some good to this since i dont need to add a class to things to give them my own shadow~) and have got it looking very smooth. Almost everything from my original website has been re-added, code wise. All that remains is the actual articles, and well, lots and lots more tweaking and new things. Still no mobile menu, that'll be a doozy... ah, also reimplemented tooltips properly. Verrry nice. Just not sure how the plugin manages colours... i will crack it open and study it...

Hmmm what else. I guess ive begun to organise my notes on everything, but i have attmepted this many times and it is a total mess... hoping this one sticks since i moved to using obsidian instead of google docs, so maybe i wont fuss over organisation and style as much and actually work on things.

Story wise eeerrrr. I mean. The problem i had is now, reversed, in that i used to have an end and no way of starting the plot, and now ive come up with a great hook that no longer works with the old ending... hrmm...

[catgirlbussy]

i had a long post planned where i wanted to share some insights id had re trans stuff and follow with asking if others wanted to share their experiences in the same type of deal but today i am just sad. i dont have it in me.

I wrote what's below to try to remind myself that even though I feel like I have so much left before I can even relax that it's okay to take care of my wellbeing, and it's completely okay if you don't want to read that for any reason.

I hope everyone can find positive things in their lives today, take care <3.

I struggle to justify in my mind that the time to work on myself and find healthier ways of viewing my identity and person and mind is worth it when i feel like i cant even keep up with all the effort required of trying to fix the burning fires of my finances and managing my business and dealing with mountains of backlog objectives like even just organising my books or putting the furniture and belongings back in place in my office after the two water damage incidents.

I want to feel happy my body is changing with HRT in the ways id always dreamed of and never thought could be real for me. I want to feel happy that im making new friends with folks who appreciate that its so scary for me to be social despite how lonely i am and /want to be more social/ and see that im trying because i cant stop feeling like im letting them all down by not having evn just stablised my life at this point.

my real issue is nearly three decades of viciously integrated self-hatred by being stuck with a family that didnt want me around and felt i wasnt good enough. I dont even want to intellectually process that at this point now cause i know i dont have it in me, im just trying to remind myself again and again that im worth it and its okay to take care of myself and im allowed to be alive and to exist in the world and to take up space even in the small unimportant ways i do. i want to feel like if i can manage to keep pushing for long enough ill still want to be |alive| at the end of this rough journey when i finally have some stability again and am not struggling dah to day.

Why am i posting on tumblr to people i almost universally do not know at all in case someone happens to see this? It terrifies me that even a small amount of people are just minutely aware i exist, even if its just liking something i reblogged or whatever. I /hide/, that's what i do. I try so hard to make sure as few people as possible know im around. Or at least that's what I've done for most the past decade. I am fighting so hard to practice just allowing myself to be around other people and not feel like im a burden for existing in the same room. I am explicitly not sending this to someone im friends with directly cause i know im sad so often i dont want them to feel more tiredness from their own busy lives with their own issues. It's not even that they aren't supportive, the few close friends i have these days regularly are so blindingly kind and thoughtful to me and my struggles and actively try to help me how they are able that i weep out of an awful and frustratingly ambiguous mixture of appreciation and guilt that they're spending time on me. Spending time /with me/.

Im not tagging this or mentioning anyone or whatever, I'm not trying to farm engagement or gain followers or anything. I offered the first paragraph + the line break as a way for people to not have clutter in their feed if this does pop up for them somehow but they don't want to read it. I'm still quite new to tumblr and i don't know very well yet how the feed aggregation works for people in its current state. I'm just practicing taking up space and showing for myself the world doesn't collapse because im there.

If anyone does read this, please know you're worth it. You deserve to feel valid and worthy of love and respect and safety. You deserve the joys of community and the security in knowing you're not facing things alone. Even if feel you've made mistakes, I love you for being alive and am grateful you are. You're allowed to be imperfect in this world. If you're trans, like me, but also if you aren't, cause this isn't just for trans folks, whoever you are, you're important.

This pic I saw somewhere on tumblr but I can't even remember where I saved it from, I just save pics that make me happy and maybe wanna show friends. Whoever made this, thank you. Music is one of my most essential reasons for living.

[thebrokengoldengirl]

I am......

I am tired….

I am broken….

I am learning to live, and learning to heal

I am tired of being tired

I am tired of fighting with my mind, body and heart.

You are sensitive babes…. You feel your feelings… Love that for you,

I am tired of being mad that I never date, or date who I want, and what I need… I am tired of being made to feel bad about being single.

I am single, and I love the way I dance, my love for singing…. How I dress, how I speak and how I connect. I am feeding me and my friends, I don’t need anyone else.

I am tired of feeling unlovable, thats why loving me has helped feel less unlovable.

I am tired of being everything for everyone

Animals I love you too… No I cannot pet you all the time, no I cannot be the sole one feeding you, taking you out. I AM EXHAUSTED

I am tired of being the cleanser, the cleaner, the cinderella.

I am not good at cleaning naturally, I am good at cleaning because I felt as if I would go crazy if I didnt clean.

I dont enjoy taking care of the dogs, but I knew if I didn’t I would feel highly depressed.

I don’t just hate you… I now see you as a mirror of someone who has hurt me…. I am sorry, I do not know how to be different.

I am broken… Because you left me in a state of anxiety, isolation and stress… My body was stressed, I was dying why weren’t you there? 

I am stressed, everyone is running around…. Why weren’t you there?

I don’t like my body…. Its because you don’t like your body….. I want to hide…. Its because the world scared me, you made me feel as though the world was scary…..

I am broken because I had a hole in my heart that is mended with stitches, I am someone with PTSD, CPTSD. 

My broken is not what you think it is….

My broken was my rage coming out of me FINALLY!!! She was never angry, now she is welcome…..

My broken was my words being strong, and beautiful and protecting myself.

My broken was your opinion on me being broken, because my fixed would be your little servant, 

yes mommy, ill cook for you, yes mommy I will get you water, yes I will clean, yes I will care for the dogs.

NOOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING TIRED

Babes I was not broken, I was tired

People want so much from me… I am tired…

Don’t hand me your trauma I am tired….

Don’t think we are besties cause you want to be besties I am tired….

Don’t projection how you feel about yourself on to me I am tired….

Don’t look at me like that, what does that mean? I am tired

Can we stop being tired?

[hffnjue4y]

my mood is unstable these days.

some days i feel like im on cloud 9. everything is perfect. we have hardships ahead, but theyre all manageable and worth it. they feel far away, and unclear. on those days, i cant even grasp what it is about her im so stressed about.

and then, like a switch, it can change. i feel unsure, stressed. it usually happens when we dont talk (she’s asleep right now) things feel hopeless, everything feels pointless. it’s like im exposed to a side of the world i never had to consider before- through her eyes. how much she was hurt, how much shes still hurting. how much she has to deal with. and it hurts me. i wanna live in oblivion again sometimes. i didnt know how much of this world i wasnt seeing before.

i tried talking to other people, they often make things worse- i dont wanna feel like i have to defend this relationship. i want people to be happy for us, not worry about me. and i know typing that makes it all sound incredibly abusive, which it isnt. i dont know what to do anymore.

i love her so much. i think i need to address that attachment we have. this often overwhelms me just how much she occupies my mind, her, our relationship. i think im starting to understand what she told me back then- about how loving fictional characters means theres no expectations back. they cant disappoint you. real people are way harder. and i think i didnt know it so far cause i never let myself truly attach to anyone.

now there are stakes. we’re both emotionally involved, to a point where we can hurt each other a lot. and thats scary.

i worry about her being “unregulated” but then again, am i regulated? my mood swings so dramatically. i overthink. i talk too much about this relationship but no one seem to understand. im confused. im not sure what i want in life anymore. i want to be away from here, i want her close with all my family and friends. i want her, im scared of her (our relationship and attachment). i get really nervous and anxious around fights, aggression, loud noises, and sometimes she triggers it.

i dont want to stress her out anymore. she’s doing good these days, and i think this stress will pass shortly. i dont feel like bringing her down with my uncertainty and doubts all the time- im afraid she might think im gonna leave her. we need to fix our trust, but i think only time will tell here.

talking with mom today freaked me out. she doesnt seem to trust this relationship will last. mom’s view of my girlfriend means the world to me. i wish they could meet. im afraid that when they meet mom wont like her, or worst, shed think she isnt good for me. im afraid shes seeing things that i dont. but she also doesnt have the full picture.

i dont know how much of things right now come from the fact that im unemployed, but at my grandparents place, feeling directionless. i think i might be depressed. and someone i love is so far away, its almost impossible to cross that distance without committing in a way. so of course its scary.

today i woke up from a nap feeling pretty bad. i missed her texts and the part of me that still hangs to her desperately wants to spend every moment together.

HOW. DO. I. MAKE. THIS. HEALTHY?

was this doomed from the start?

whos to say whats healthy and whats not?

are these fears common, because im new to relationships of this level?

if i have the thought, does it mean its true?

things to do:

- do. not. put. your. emotional. well. being. after. anyone. elses.

- trust you gut??? i have no idea anymore, this changes every day.

- mental illness isnt the end of the world. it makes things hard for her, yes, but its not unlivable. trust her to do her best and support her.

[caluski]

i know the right thing to do would be to delete. its so strange seeing people breaking mutuals and losing so many followers - i really cant blame anyone, im not bitter about it, im not angry, i wont hold grudges. i do know that seeing depressed people makes other people depressed too, its natural, i dont really expect anything. i dont know what else can i say i havent yet. i think ive said it all. how many times can one keep repeating himself - everyone knows. all my former coworkers, my former friends, my family, everyone knows. people used to give me basic advice... i thought i wasnt being overbearing and was simply open about my struggle, but clearly, i was wrong. i cant really make any excuses for myself.. even if i wanted to, i couldnt possibly frame it in a way that is convenient for me. if everyone does leave you, there must be a reason for it. maybe im not cartoonishly evil, just really deeply flawed, but in a way that simply is not healthy to be around. i dont have anyone to be angry with but myself, not even my parents, because while they were discouraging me from medication constantly, it was in the end my decision. a bad one, but it was mine. motivated by fear, obviously, by the depressing lack of effects, by low income, all that.. i cant play the "what if" game endlessly, either, because whats the point of that. everything ive become is a fruit of many bad decisions of my own

i dont really have any conclusion to this, i feel like it took me so long to type it all out that by now it must be nothing but incoherent blabber. its sad, that now the posts i write on a completely sober mind sound like the stuff me from 3-4 years ago could only post deep into a wine bottle. ive become a shameless wreck, seems like it, and no amount of vinyls or concerts can fix that. its unfortunate, and its very scary. i dont know what to do. i really dont. how is it tuesday already? how is it december? christmas is soon, and i will have to sit by the table with my entire family, put on an indifferent face, while they mock me again for being a 29 year old failure. no job, no friends, no love, no home, nothing. i just started enjoying christmas as an adult, and then i suddenly stopped being "a young adult still figuring it out", and started being a parasite. its hard, listening to people telling me to my face that im the reason my parents cant enjoy their lives. i dont even feel like their child anymore.. but i cant bring myself to beg them to hold me or ask them if they still love me anymore. you can really get rejected by others so many times, before it gets stuck in your head forever. i know i have to keep going without them, like basically every other person, because good god, my relationship with them is not special, almost everyone struggles with their parents... so why is it that i cant break out of it like everyone else does? if i have to be alone, cant i be alone in peace? cant i be alone in privacy? cant i be alone in my own little corner of the world? cant i be alone without that heavy burden on my heart, reminding me every single day, that just my existence alone is a curse to people i never wanted to cause problems to. just the fact that i exist, and that i am the way i am.

its almost 4 am, i should go to sleep, im out of tears and out of words anyway

i am obviously unwell but the fact that i am still trying to somehow distract myself from everything with music and writing and anything else and failing almost instantly probably makes me look like a little more unstable than in reality. i know i havent been reliable for a long time now but i really dont think i am manic... i feel so very tired its just one endless low. i cant believe ive entered this year with my hopes up. i really thought i finally had a chance at getting better

[blacklacefanfics]

nothing seems to make sense- rant on my sexual/romantic/gender  identity, fanfiction, and a heteronormative world

I feel like whenever I seem to find some label or new identity that works for me, everything changes on me. I can’t figure out what I am or what I want or anything. (long rant post about self-identity)

All through my teenage years the idea of sex and stuff terrified me. I wasn’t interested in sexual pleasure or anything until I was 18 and actually tried stuff for myself.

Even then it only happened as an “on-needed” basis because I was still so averse to my own genitalia and luckily my libido was so low that it was hardly ever a problem. I remember when I was 10 years old and my mother explained periods to me, I cried the entire car ride home because it terrified me.

I did have crushes and stuff growing up, and I acted on them a lot (like admitting feelings to them) but nothing ever really came of it. But every time friends talked about sexual exploits I would get nauseated just from the mere mention. Like anxiety-nauseated.

I remember being 14 and finding out the word “bisexual” and deciding right then and there that it applied to me. I liked girls and guys and it made sense at the time. I just figured maybe I was a late-bloomer.

By the time I was like 22, I started looking into asexuality but it didn’t make sense. Because to be asexual you have to not experience sexual attraction at ALL. And I realized I had before- but it had been fictional characters and celebrities I was a fan of that caused me to be sexually attracted.

And even now as I’m thinking about it, I can’t really remember if I had experienced sexual attraction to anyone I had a crush on. Like, I can’t look at someone and say “I’m sexually attracted to them” unless... well, sometimes. I can rarely, I think. It’s almost always women I can be sexually attracted to without feeling connected to them first.

But my attraction has historically been mostly men, even if its been fictional or celebrity-based. Like I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years!!! I wrote and consumed a lot of sexual and kinky fanfiction that got my motor running, and I knew it was sexually driving to me. I am less interested in the sexual fanfiction than many other writers (I prefer nonsexual ones most of the time unless I’m “in the mood”) but still, I consumed it and it was safe and I was sexually interested. And it was only gay male fanfiction (even if they were written with vulvas) that made me interested. I just couldn’t connect to sapphic fanfiction for the life of me, which didn’t make sense to me because I thought I was a bisexual woman.

I came to the realization that I was nonbinary when I was 18. I didn’t really experience dysphoria 99% of the time because “feeling like a boy” only happened once in a blue moon. But it happened often enough (since I was 14) that I took notice and realized that I am genderfluid. I didn’t really bother with it except occasionally dressing more masculine and, eventually, cutting two feet off my hair. I didn’t even think about transitioning until I was 22, and I really didn’t want to before then.

Now I’m 24 and I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 14 weeks and 4 days. In September I realized and came out as a nonbinary trans man. My body seems to function better- I don’t know how exactly, but I can feel it. My hunger increased first, and then my libido. It’s like my nonexistent libido fucking skyrocketed and I feel “normal” amounts of sex drive.

I still haven’t had sex. I’m still scared, but its slightly less so. I’ve been putting pressure on myself for almost a decade now that I “should” be wanting sex and that I SHOULD have done it already. But I want to do it. But I also don’t. I don’t know, honestly.

I thought a while back that my feelings towards sex must have to do with me realizing I’m trans and that it has to do with bottom dysphoria. And I believe that has a good part of why I feel the way I do. That maybe if I was born AMAB I wouldn’t have these problems. But also now that I’m on testosterone, my bottom dysphoria has become less pressing and I realize the dysphoria is with the rest of me. So it can’t be part of it?

And then I realize that sometimes the feeling of being a woman comes back, once in a blue moon. Like how I felt when I first realized I was trans, but opposite. But this time I hate it because I don’t want to feel like a woman sometimes. So then my gender becomes another thing that I don’t know about, even though I feel happier and better on testosterone.

AND NOW I look back on my life and think about the “romantic interests” I had in life- was I really romantically interested?? Or was I just following how everyone else acted? But I remember having crushes as early as kindergarten. But even kids do what they think is “normal” so what if I was influenced?? I literally only chose the cutest guy in my class and “decided” I had a crush on him and then it became true because I decided it was.

A few years ago, I discovered the aspec/arospec communities and I try those terms too. But as soon as a new term feels like it fits, I feel like something from my past “proves” differently or something changes or I find someone I think is cute.

I find myself thinking that I am sexually attracted to personalities and not necessarily people. I mean, physicality is a HUGE part of it still for me, but I won’t find someone physically attractive until I know their personality. But I can still look at someone and think “they would be my type”- but how could I be demisexual, for example, if I know ahead of time that I could be attracted to someone? But also if I don’t like their personality, all attraction fades. So the personality does matter.

As far as arospec, I thought that would be no biggie for me. I had experienced crushes and romantic attraction I think. But like I said earlier, what if I’m wrong about myself?

I once talked to a friend about love and I told her that I don’t see why all the types of love are different. I don’t see where the lines blur for other people. I just either love someone or I don’t. And the more I love someone, the more intensely I want to be close to them. But also I love the idea of having a life partner or partners. I’ve also considered that maybe I’m just naive, because I have ADD and it’s known to cause emotional maturity to be delayed by about 4-5 years and MAYBE I really just wasn’t ready or mature enough to know.

The idea of relationships always freaked me out. Any time someone showed interest in me, it made me paralyzed with fear and I don’t know WHY. I always assumed that it was because they would expect sex from me, and the idea of sex paralyzed me as well, so it made me averse to relationships.

Then I thought that maybe I’m polyamorous and that feeling “stuck” with one partner scared me, because I need my freedom and room to breathe. And that maybe I need a triad or something to be happy.

And now maybe I need a queerplatonic relationship that I can be close to someone without the expectations that a heteronormative/allo-normative relationship have. But that can’t work either, because I might become comfortable enough to be romantically/sexually interested and then it wouldn’t exactly be queer-PLATONIC anymore, so that can’t work.

Every term I try seems to get close and I can’t find anything that hits the nail on the head that says “yes, this is me”. Asexual, aromantic, bisexual, biromantic, graysexual, demisexual, demiromantic, nebulasexual, omnisexual, panromantic, pansexual, abrosexual, abroromantic, NOTHING. I can’t seem to make anything work or fit for me because everything is too confusing and too much and I don’t know.

I don’t know myself. I don’t know what I want, or who I want, or when I might want whatever “it” is. I don’t like hating myself because I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what I want and it angers me. And I don’t know how to find myself.

[ironmanstan]

So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this

[homesickhalfling]

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

[catgirlsareruiningmylife]

[23:08] - baby you’re a haunted house .

Corpse Husband x Reader

TW :: kinda sad and artsy af tho

A/N :: also its like my first corpse fanfic dont talk 2 me...also uneditedand no, i don’t stalk corpse like some of you, so some shit might be inaccurate xd

corpse guides you through the rickety, torn down fence and then the two of you weave through tall grass. your destination sounds mundane, at first; towards the house a few blocks past the pond you used to skip rocks in...

the house- as many of corpse’s ghost stories go- has been rumored to be haunted, by what, no one knows. ghosts this, cryptid that- nothing particularly interested you as much as him, the narrator versus the story. no, nothing would ever take your attention as much as corpse does- he is the apple of your eye, but he’s too dense to realize this. the two of you have been friends long enough for you two to know what makes the other tick forward. his is alcohol, those die-hard fans of his, and his friends...

so you believe.

he takes your hand and they fit perfectly in his. he feels like a puzzle piece becoming whole for the first time since creation... or he thinks he does anyway- because he feels complete with you gripping onto his hand so tightly. it’s obvious with the way you glance around that you are terrified of being found on private property. it’s as though you were not as cool as you once were, knowing perhaps someone may still be inside...

...or something else might be.

if it were not for the cold weather or the broken windows that hadn’t been fixed in god knows how long- he would laugh at you and call you a scaredy cat.

yet, he doesn’t- he finds there is no point in teasing you unless he wants you to laugh- and right now, he wants you to be comfortable more than anything. he loves to tease you but right now, clearly isn’t the time, judging by the way you fidget with your sweater once he lets go of your hand.

“i’m scared and cold, corpse... where are we..?” you question as the masked man pulls you close out of nowhere- his heart thumps wildly in his chest, matching the pace of yours that echoes loudly in your ears. the symphony of hearts aching for one another is so loud and so in tune that it sounds like your own, so you don’t even notice.

meanwhile, corpse hopes you can’t hear his heartbeat with his loose arm around you, attempting to keep you warm. you feel like that house- hollow and empty, but then his fingertips dig through layers of fabric just to keep you warm. that alone makes you feel alive

“i’m okay... don’t make fun of me, but like.. i’ve always been afraid of ghosts.”

that makes him laugh for corpse is neither dead nor alive (at least it feels that way). some days, he truly wonders if he is a ghost, reliving this cursed life until he gets it right.

(your two worries contrast- his a worry of being dead and losing you- yours, the dead being able to come back.)

“don’t worry, i got your back, if any scary monster comes out i’ll throw myself at them first... then you run, okay?” corpse says this with such a seriousness, it’s difficult not to laugh when he does a moment later.

you two enter through the front door, admiring the architecture of years of being a living room and now it looks like the place where the dead rest.

you cannot help but yelp when he steps on glass and it breaks, immediately, your blood turns cold as you grab his jacket sleeve.

“what the hell was that?”

a pause.

“i stepped on some glass, sorry...”

you exhale, relaxing immediately, yet you refuse to let go of him.

“anyways... why did you bring me here?”

another moment of silence- but that moment turns into a few seconds, and soon a minute.

“i... i used to come here a lot as a teen... this house has always been rumored to be haunted- it’s not, by the way- but everyone looked at me weird.”

he smiled a little softly, as if it was something to be fond of, but it just makes you want to pull him into a hug.

“like, you were the first person who didn’t... and this always had a special place in my heart, because i felt like this house once... i was a happy place, but it went wrong...”

you cannot stop holding your breath, listening carefully- this isn’t the first time corpse has opened up to you so deeply before, but it’s rare that it happens. most of the time he downplays his feelings. sometimes you catch him by seeing puffy red eyes, whether it’s from being tired or having just got done crying, it’s... hard for you to read him. and the other for sure way to tell if corpse is sad is by scrolling through his recently played songs.

“and well, then i met you... and you made this broken home look prettier to me.”

this time, you went silent, unsure of what exactly he was trying to say...

“i... i guess i’m trying to say thank you, and i fucking adore you, alright? in fact, if i could, i’d let the whole fucking world know i... that i love you.”

wait...

“what?”

he groans with exasperation, pulling you into a hug.

“i love you, that’s what i meant... that’s what i’ve always been trying to tell you, don’t know why it had to be here, it’s just... special to me, and so are you.”

“corpse-”

“just listen, [name], you don’t gotta say you love me too, because if you don’t love me like that, it’s alright...”

“listen-”

“i mean, yeah, i’ll be a little sad, but i mean. we’ll always be friends, right?”

you shut him up with a kiss and he returns it immediately. in between laughter, the two of you return the kisses, one by one. until you get to the point where corpse is rest assured that you do in fact, love him.

“you’re a lot like this house, corpse... mysterious but lovely.”

now the two of you see this haunted house in a newer, brighter light...

[bunnygirlheart]

WEIRD stuff happened in my dream last night. i . uh. Let me start ofc at the beginning.

I was in a store, and found a mug that a friend made as like . merch for its blog/art ?? and got someone to buy it for me on the spot? but then the person that bought it like . fell over to die ?? not like as a result of the mug i dont think, I should clarify. dream alice did not curse its merch, to my knowledge. Anyway though this dying person essentially told the like, reaper or w/e that Wait she needed to do something first, and managed to get me the mug instead of falling on it and breaking it. That was, very considerate for a dying woman,, End scene.

Next, there was this thing that was trying to . influence my mind somehow, saying that I had gone home and was like, an english man ? having discovered this my assumption was that it surely wasnt working because I knew, and as such the illusion would fail. I brought it up with someone else and they said I needed to . reassert myself? To state who I really am? and then . the first thing that came to mind is that . im a trans woman, and so I said this. No real reaction, so I sorta . asked abt that fact, since i wasnt sure they heard me ‘cause i kinda mumbled? anyway turns out it was incredibly obvious and they already knew, which was kinda . super comforting bc it meant they knew this and didnt react poorly? just . treating me the same, while keeping quiet abt the details so i could come forward w/ it when i was ready?

on to the third event thought? I was gonna take my dog outside but there was . a strange man in my backyard, with like, tools n stuff, ostensibly present to fix stuff, but with bad scary vibes. Malevolent bald man with a too friendly grin. I closed the door and was gonna lock it, but then I realized he’d put a clamp of some kind on the doorframe so it wouldnt close, as well as a couple nails bent over with a hammer ? i knocked the clamp off, took the hammer and pried the nails out, then closed and bolted the door, before running inside. The place did not match my house. This did not worry me. After hiding briefly, dog at my side, I met some other folks and we discussed something abt escaping the world of the dead ???? and how nobody does that or s/t?

Last thing I remember is like . some scientist or doctor guy was looking at some kids xrays and . im not sure what he was doing. he didnt seem evil though so probably he was just doing his doctory job or w/e. dont know where this moment fits in up there though.