#its a scary world and i dont know how to fix myself

[mihai-florescu]

Im never being a hater again im a reformed man!!! Im a being full of love only, shabby and foolish, but that's okay

[radiotorn]

having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.

[sleepwalk-station]

and ill cherish you until the day i die

(more stuff below cut)

hi this is a very personal headcanon of mine, so theres a few details that will be very close to me, and a bit sensitive to others. but my deimos has a chronic illness. and him being a clone, he doesnt live very long. i hc that clones only live 50 years maximum... maybe even less because they arent really expected to survive. so to deimos, theres that sense of impending doom whenever a day passes. one day, maybe he wont wake up at all.

deimos fears that he's going to be the first one to die out of all of them. normally, hes cocky about his own mortality, but dying in a slow, silent or sudden death with no one around him is devastating. hank and sanf doesnt know, and 2b is the only one whos aware. dei doesnt know if he'll be missed, or even thought of at all. and everyday, his body is progressively getting worse. he stumbles all over, 2b knows that he cant really fix him and can only watch dei crumble under his own body.

i relate to that a lot. living with such a debilitating illness (especially one related to heart disease) makes you spiral. it makes you scared. it makes you feel like you did something wrong, or you made someone mad, and being born this way was a punishment. your body is frail and weaker than an average person, and you cant do anything but suffer.

i dont know how long i will live myself. my mom fears i wont even make it to my 30s. its such a crushing pressure to just.. breathe.

dei copes a lot of that stress with cigarettes. he cant help himself. this is the only way to relief it. its the only solution he knows.

2b comforts him. i know this isnt the solution to all of your problems, but i want to be here for you. when you need me. he will remember dei, no matter what. a promise.

dei clings onto him. i know that its true. because i trust you. despite it all, you just want to live for someone you care. no matter what life throws at you. will you still try to live a fulfilling life? of course. because they care. they want to see you happy. they want you to enjoy what you have, even if its very limited. even if your life is so short and its all so scary.

2b's hands are so gentle on him. its never like this with hank or sanf. normally he would just shout orders at them and they leave. hes so. soft. with dei. it makes him feel like the most special boy in the world. in his worst moments, dei becomes so weak and fragile due to his illness that he cant move like he used to, something like this would be immediately disregarded or thrown out if he was still in the agency. and he doesnt understand why 2b doesnt mind, but he appreciates it. so much.

i must cease my yapping. this is getting embarrassing.

[methvapes]

your art is so good but every post you make is a literal mindfuck what is even happening here

i wrote fanfiction about us

it was a dark and stormy night

being a criminal justice mastermind i dont often bring my skillset into the real world

and yet sitting here, in my private investigators office, 73rd floor atop the highest skyscraper in new york city, i can appreciate the intellectual high ground it takes to make it this far, in a world gone mad. its 1972, and yet my minds still stuck in the past, in the could haves and the what once was

a drag on my marlboro brings me back into the present. a knock on the door. another knock. i exhale a foul smelling line of smoke out my mouth and flick the butt of my dart outta the window. let some other poor schmuck deal with it. ive got enough on my plate

adjusting my melancholic overcoat, and sleazing my way over to the door, i can see the silhouette of a greasy, stout man infront of it. a piercing voice carries through my office and out into the streets of the city. his speech wrests its way through my ears in an attempt to make them bleed, surely, even the street dogs would be whining at the shrill pitch of it. and yet… i know who this is. anonymous.

a scowl makes its way to my face, from my 5 foot 11 stature. distaste registers in my mind. i knew this guy as kids, when he used to bathe in grease and shit every day and then roll around in the streets, looking desperately for a thing he called, "asks". accompanied often with a flattened stone, or a piece of paper, with buttons drawn crudely onto it. we all assumed he was an escapee of the nearby mental institution as children, and i was the only one patient enough to be kind to him, enduring his insane prattling about something or other, or his blatant disregard for the female sex, and juvenile objectification of women

"my MINECRAFT mods wont LOAD CORRECTLY! i sense that SOMEONE HAS MEDDLED WITH my STATE OF THE ART gaming PC and LARD SOAKED CHAIR!"

he seems to be writhing on the floor of my waiting office, and throwing a tantrum similar to that of my 3 year old daughter

"anon, anon, my friend, what could be the issue?" i attempt to quell the insane beast to no avail. often he would lull into some breakdown or another, freakouts that wouldnt pertain to our world

"oh mister investigator sir! you gotta help me!" i can hardly understand him through his blubbering tears. "you gotta help me i saw a very scary monster in my room, and he went under my bed! you gotta help me kill him mister investigator sir! he meddled with my future device! i need my fix of asks!"

what a world we live in. do i help a childhood acquaintance, and attempt to quiet his babyish outburst? my illustrious supermodel big breasted booty cheeked up rich successful atheist businesswoman wife and supergenius 3 year old daughter would surely miss me on my adventure, and yet i find myself hungering for the hunt of the game yet again, even as the hunt is little more than a search for a round object in a ball pit, with the mental limitations of my good friend anonymous. i decide to help him with his journey free of charge. i know hes rather broke after spending all his time at the local casino. i told him he didnt know how blackjack worked after he tried to bluff a win, and got beaten senseless by the guards. tsk. whats a man of my caliber to do?

"ill help you anon, if its the last thing i do."

grabbing my '66 colt diamondback, and my silky fedora, i stride over to the door with purpose. my bumbling sidekick tottering his way over to the exit and falling over immediately upon walking through the doorway. i always did forget he had the object permanence of a toddler. we make our way downstairs

the rain pours out upon that damned, dirt filled city. taxis and cars blazing by my office in hurried races

stepping onto the pavement, anon rushes forwards, step after shortened step. in horror, i watch as he trips on one of his homemade "mobile devices" and falls into the street. a taxicar's yellowed paint feels like a slap in the face as the dark street fills with the blood of my childhood friend. heroically flagging down traffic in the tense night of the city, i race to his side. the man who was like a distant cousin to me. an eccentric nephew, or odd sort of relative, gone in the blink of an eye.

but yet! hope! as anons labored breathing grew more stagnant by the second, i knew i only had moments to spare. jumping 15 feet into a nearby vehicle, i hotwire the wheel in mere seconds, racing my way to the hospital. i knew i could save him… if only… if only i had more time…

a race against the clock, i could feel the ticks of milliseconds pound against my skin like the judgemental gavel of a courts closing. like a stampede of hooves amid a horserace. like a thrumming engine, ready to blow at any given moment. i needed to get to that hospital

minutes later, there i am, pulling into the crowded parking lot. carrying his frail and short four foot two body into the intensive care, i knew there would be lasting damage. a man doesnt play modded minecraft all day and be left with the highest condition of physical ability, after all.

"nurse! ready a room for my friend! immediately!" i shout, as i shed my private investigators coat and reveal a second doctors coat underneath. i also pull out a surgical liscence from my back pocket, where it had been digging into my ass all night which hurt really bad. it also explained why i looked so bulky and puffy under 2 coats. from anonymous comes faint mumbling.

"need more… need more fried mushrooms… radishes…. the jade door… collapsing… oh… the sand… help…" it seems he had been having some kind of nightmarish hallucination, spurred on by him getting run over by a fucking car. i rush to the operating room. the rest of it is but a blur, as i endlessly repair damage thought to be deadly, and attempt to restore function to his marred body.

its 7 hours later, when he is finally placed in a visitation recovery room. maybe his 4 moms could come and visit him, it might help with this apparently insane state he had been put in. mutterings about, squids, of all things. squids? who likes squids? those damned creatures from the sea?

anons odd ramblings only seemed to continue from there, to my eternal dismay. "the truth… im unclear of the truth… 2003… cleopatra.. wife boobs…" i was deeply unsettled by this, and forever in grievance of the loss of one of my friends. as a strong male figure, i emotionally was unsure of what to do from here… a loss… devastating to this world.. one soul less among the masses of our earth… lifes but a walking shadow, a power player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more

[mobydingus]

Hii um, really sorry about bugging you but I was scrolling through tags and I saw that you drew lovely Nathan and Leslie work a while back; I'm wirting a huge personal AU and one of the subplots is her breaking Nathan out of camp so they can do a world domination thing lol

I've never seen any headcanons of them ever so it's super hard to wirte (even if it is just for myself, but I love over analyzing both of them) so I was wondering if you had any cools ones that you're comfortable with sharing?? I'm really really sorry if this is random, from a random user but I'm just so content starved and your art on here is so comforting and I love the scene one so so much!!!!

So um, if you can please tell headcanons >⁠.⁠<

wow i really appreciate that! i have a few, nothing too exciting. im not sure if you meant for them interacting or independent headcanons but ill say what i remember. it might be a longer response than you asked for LOL

for more technical ones:

i headcanon that nathan knows at least a little about how leslie works as a robot so if she gets hurt he can help fix her (but hes no robotics engineer so he cant do much about major damage). i also think that she can continue to mimic voices (like when she pretended to be president). she can use this to help herself or nathan (usually blackmail) but she also uses it to taunt nathan (for example, mimicking jimmy to piss nathan off). i also think leslie can change her body temperature from colder than a human to scalding hot (sometimes not on purpose, if she isnt working properly she might overheat which could damage her). i always imagined that there was some sort of underground facility (i wanna draw this but lazy) where she went to recharge, but thats one of my more fantastical headcanons. i personally think she didnt have parents or a house to live in (only a facility) but thats just me. i imagined that after leslie died, nathan recuperated and went to the crime scene or wherever her body was held and either: a. she showed signs of being functional, so he broke her out. or b. assumed she was completely dead/a lost cause and left her there (and she was still alive but wasnt capable of showing signs). both are fun ideas . i imagine that nathan diverted a great deal of his savings from drug-dealing to help repair leslie if he had saved her.

as for their relationship, in my headcanon:

neither of them will admit that they care about one another, even though they do. leslie doesnt admit it because she thinks that being emotional could compromise her rational thinking. nathan does not admit it because i dont think hes ever admitted any true feelings of appreciation or friendship for anyone lol. he would not do anything that might make him emotionally vulnerable (not that hes really conscious of this).

they both taunt eachother and can be meaner than they intended to. they both have a habit of lying to others in canon, so i imagine they still do that.

from a rational standpoint, leslie considers nathan an important asset and his ability to keep quiet about important (and unethical) things makes him valuable for secret operations. from a not-so-rational standpoint, she appreciated his different approach to life and the fact that he is not phased by leslies bizarre nature (the way she acts when she drops her act of being some innocent kid). she has grown fond of him in a way that i believe resembles an unspoken friendship.

nathan first considered leslie as another person to harass, but after being "employed" by leslie, he began to actually appreciate her, and its probably the first time a girl did not instantly hate or pity him. he probably has some sort of crush, but maybe not because leslie is crazy. he also thinks leslie is scary (but so do most people who have dealt with her "mask-off"). i think nathan likes leslie more than leslie likes nathan, but nathan is the first person she goes to if she has a problem, so they are dependent on each other at least a little.

thank you for your ask. hope it wasnt too much of an answer

[mbat]

i dont believe in any higher power or things necessarily happening for a reason but its. actually insane how im spending a second year of my life thinking a whole lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil at the same time, the first time being 2016. and like, how im comparing the two years

2016 was when i first began isolating myself, it was the beginning of the end yknow. a lot of things changed back then and not really for the better

and this year im trying my damn hardest to end that, to fix the stuff i caused starting back then

how much i dont feel like how i used to anymore mentally

also how far ive come in my queer journey as well, i didnt even concieve me of being trans back then lol (i wont put the picture here cause its so unserious but i LOVE that one meme with jesse pinkman and the caption is "girls fetishizing mlm and then 5 years later they look like this" like. THAT WAS ME)

idk, its just like... thats so weird, wow. just how things came together. i just keep reflecting on this stuff so much lately just cause like... i might actually get to live my life. i know i said it before but i really did think my life was over, that i fucked it up all cause i was a teenager going through so much that i was completely unprepared for, some things that no one couldve been prepared for. i did my best with what i had, but what i had was crumbs.

and now i really have a chance. i really have a chance to actually be a person again. thats so fucking scary but its also amazing. theres a whole world out there and i want to be a part of it so badly, and i dont quite know how i will be, but at least ill have the option

so yeah, 13 year old me thinking a lot about twenty one pilots and dan and phil simultaneously, and now 21 year old me doing the same thing. its like im still that kid, and yet not at all. i wish he knew everything that would happen, but i know he had no way to.

[infin-8-morphosis]

Monthly not-dead progress post here we go

Still working on my model. Theres too many little bits to say what I have and havent done (sooo much redoing) but umm in brief,

Oh this isnt brief whoops lets put a cut, tldr model good still wip, new map with Peirce Quinuncial projection, more website work, lots and lots of little half done things as usual

Functional eyes and eyelids, actual mesh is more or less 100% done, and partially unwrapped, but havent skinned it properly.

Partially rigged, but rigging will neeeveeer be finished. Thankfully my twisted setup with multiple rigs and multiple rigs inside those rigs actually seems to work...?

A brief rundown is:

The rig is made of 3 sets of identical bones: the scaler, poser, and deformer. The poser handles, most posing, shocking, and is more or less the 'crown' rig. The scaler doesnt move but scales, and said scale is copied to the poser. The deformer is the only set that deforms the mesh, it copies the location of the poser. So, Scaler scales the poser, poser moves the deformer. You should never need to view anything except the poser BUT and its a cool but, since the deformer is isolated from the poser, it also acts as a sort of pseudo FK rig, allowing fine adjustment of the posers IK positions. VERY handy!

There are other rigs, like an eye rig for just the eyes, a character-specific rig for the face (just not possible to use the same rig even with my scaling trick, and i dont want to have to worry about breaking the most important part of the mesh) and soon i will begin the harrowing task of a hair rig... for each hair. Fear and suffering ahead, but also funny hairdos.

Thankfully my trick to use geo nodes to fuse the meshes together seamlessly seems to work, but it seems to mess with uv's so still a roadblock. I nedd to really knuckle down on understanding geo nodes, and also get more fmailiar with uvs in the technical sense...

Also making an effort to completely ditch shape keys (FUCK shape keys) by using lattices instead. This is... unfortunately janky. But, useable. I dont care if it isnt perfect anyway, I just hate shape keys. The main trouble is how dogshit lattices are... They work so odd. And very destructively, so if I screw up a pose, tough shit...

Yet to step into the scary world of 'so will we actually model our characters with this' since at any point I can break things and will need to redo things... but also the sooner i start the sooner I catch things that dont work or need fixing...

Non-model wise I'm making pretty good progress on the map. As you probably dont know I have yet fucking again started from near scratch, but this time with the sexy as hell Peirce-Quincuncial map projection (go look it up its very good). This means a less warped map and also more sensible views of the poles, which were always a bit hacky on an equirectangular map since my planets 'poles' are on the equator. ie imagine a globe rotated 90° so the bottom and top are at the sides. Im feeling much better with how it fits together (even 'simulated' the plate tectonics a little to get them more accurate. Surpisingly my eyeballing it was about 80% correct!) but yet again the main headache is the actual height. Very, very hard to keep heights consistent and proportional.

Today I worked on my website! I had not checked on it in quite some time. Refamiliarised myself with its inner workings (loooove css. Very fun. Oddly fun battling wordpress to change things from its defaults that are often quite odd. For example, drop shadows only go to the bottom right. You cant alter it in the editor. Why??? So i just... edited the default shadow's css. Easy peasy. The hardest part was tracking down where exactly wordpress defined shadows. However there is some good to this since i dont need to add a class to things to give them my own shadow~) and have got it looking very smooth. Almost everything from my original website has been re-added, code wise. All that remains is the actual articles, and well, lots and lots more tweaking and new things. Still no mobile menu, that'll be a doozy... ah, also reimplemented tooltips properly. Verrry nice. Just not sure how the plugin manages colours... i will crack it open and study it...

Hmmm what else. I guess ive begun to organise my notes on everything, but i have attmepted this many times and it is a total mess... hoping this one sticks since i moved to using obsidian instead of google docs, so maybe i wont fuss over organisation and style as much and actually work on things.

Story wise eeerrrr. I mean. The problem i had is now, reversed, in that i used to have an end and no way of starting the plot, and now ive come up with a great hook that no longer works with the old ending... hrmm...

[thebrokengoldengirl]

I am......

I am tired….

I am broken….

I am learning to live, and learning to heal

I am tired of being tired

I am tired of fighting with my mind, body and heart.

You are sensitive babes…. You feel your feelings… Love that for you,

I am tired of being mad that I never date, or date who I want, and what I need… I am tired of being made to feel bad about being single.

I am single, and I love the way I dance, my love for singing…. How I dress, how I speak and how I connect. I am feeding me and my friends, I don’t need anyone else.

I am tired of feeling unlovable, thats why loving me has helped feel less unlovable.

I am tired of being everything for everyone

Animals I love you too… No I cannot pet you all the time, no I cannot be the sole one feeding you, taking you out. I AM EXHAUSTED

I am tired of being the cleanser, the cleaner, the cinderella.

I am not good at cleaning naturally, I am good at cleaning because I felt as if I would go crazy if I didnt clean.

I dont enjoy taking care of the dogs, but I knew if I didn’t I would feel highly depressed.

I don’t just hate you… I now see you as a mirror of someone who has hurt me…. I am sorry, I do not know how to be different.

I am broken… Because you left me in a state of anxiety, isolation and stress… My body was stressed, I was dying why weren’t you there? 

I am stressed, everyone is running around…. Why weren’t you there?

I don’t like my body…. Its because you don’t like your body….. I want to hide…. Its because the world scared me, you made me feel as though the world was scary…..

I am broken because I had a hole in my heart that is mended with stitches, I am someone with PTSD, CPTSD. 

My broken is not what you think it is….

My broken was my rage coming out of me FINALLY!!! She was never angry, now she is welcome…..

My broken was my words being strong, and beautiful and protecting myself.

My broken was your opinion on me being broken, because my fixed would be your little servant, 

yes mommy, ill cook for you, yes mommy I will get you water, yes I will clean, yes I will care for the dogs.

NOOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING TIRED

Babes I was not broken, I was tired

People want so much from me… I am tired…

Don’t hand me your trauma I am tired….

Don’t think we are besties cause you want to be besties I am tired….

Don’t projection how you feel about yourself on to me I am tired….

Don’t look at me like that, what does that mean? I am tired

Can we stop being tired?

[hffnjue4y]

my mood is unstable these days.

some days i feel like im on cloud 9. everything is perfect. we have hardships ahead, but theyre all manageable and worth it. they feel far away, and unclear. on those days, i cant even grasp what it is about her im so stressed about.

and then, like a switch, it can change. i feel unsure, stressed. it usually happens when we dont talk (she’s asleep right now) things feel hopeless, everything feels pointless. it’s like im exposed to a side of the world i never had to consider before- through her eyes. how much she was hurt, how much shes still hurting. how much she has to deal with. and it hurts me. i wanna live in oblivion again sometimes. i didnt know how much of this world i wasnt seeing before.

i tried talking to other people, they often make things worse- i dont wanna feel like i have to defend this relationship. i want people to be happy for us, not worry about me. and i know typing that makes it all sound incredibly abusive, which it isnt. i dont know what to do anymore.

i love her so much. i think i need to address that attachment we have. this often overwhelms me just how much she occupies my mind, her, our relationship. i think im starting to understand what she told me back then- about how loving fictional characters means theres no expectations back. they cant disappoint you. real people are way harder. and i think i didnt know it so far cause i never let myself truly attach to anyone.

now there are stakes. we’re both emotionally involved, to a point where we can hurt each other a lot. and thats scary.

i worry about her being “unregulated” but then again, am i regulated? my mood swings so dramatically. i overthink. i talk too much about this relationship but no one seem to understand. im confused. im not sure what i want in life anymore. i want to be away from here, i want her close with all my family and friends. i want her, im scared of her (our relationship and attachment). i get really nervous and anxious around fights, aggression, loud noises, and sometimes she triggers it.

i dont want to stress her out anymore. she’s doing good these days, and i think this stress will pass shortly. i dont feel like bringing her down with my uncertainty and doubts all the time- im afraid she might think im gonna leave her. we need to fix our trust, but i think only time will tell here.

talking with mom today freaked me out. she doesnt seem to trust this relationship will last. mom’s view of my girlfriend means the world to me. i wish they could meet. im afraid that when they meet mom wont like her, or worst, shed think she isnt good for me. im afraid shes seeing things that i dont. but she also doesnt have the full picture.

i dont know how much of things right now come from the fact that im unemployed, but at my grandparents place, feeling directionless. i think i might be depressed. and someone i love is so far away, its almost impossible to cross that distance without committing in a way. so of course its scary.

today i woke up from a nap feeling pretty bad. i missed her texts and the part of me that still hangs to her desperately wants to spend every moment together.

HOW. DO. I. MAKE. THIS. HEALTHY?

was this doomed from the start?

whos to say whats healthy and whats not?

are these fears common, because im new to relationships of this level?

if i have the thought, does it mean its true?

things to do:

- do. not. put. your. emotional. well. being. after. anyone. elses.

- trust you gut??? i have no idea anymore, this changes every day.

- mental illness isnt the end of the world. it makes things hard for her, yes, but its not unlivable. trust her to do her best and support her.

[caluski]

i know the right thing to do would be to delete. its so strange seeing people breaking mutuals and losing so many followers - i really cant blame anyone, im not bitter about it, im not angry, i wont hold grudges. i do know that seeing depressed people makes other people depressed too, its natural, i dont really expect anything. i dont know what else can i say i havent yet. i think ive said it all. how many times can one keep repeating himself - everyone knows. all my former coworkers, my former friends, my family, everyone knows. people used to give me basic advice... i thought i wasnt being overbearing and was simply open about my struggle, but clearly, i was wrong. i cant really make any excuses for myself.. even if i wanted to, i couldnt possibly frame it in a way that is convenient for me. if everyone does leave you, there must be a reason for it. maybe im not cartoonishly evil, just really deeply flawed, but in a way that simply is not healthy to be around. i dont have anyone to be angry with but myself, not even my parents, because while they were discouraging me from medication constantly, it was in the end my decision. a bad one, but it was mine. motivated by fear, obviously, by the depressing lack of effects, by low income, all that.. i cant play the "what if" game endlessly, either, because whats the point of that. everything ive become is a fruit of many bad decisions of my own

i dont really have any conclusion to this, i feel like it took me so long to type it all out that by now it must be nothing but incoherent blabber. its sad, that now the posts i write on a completely sober mind sound like the stuff me from 3-4 years ago could only post deep into a wine bottle. ive become a shameless wreck, seems like it, and no amount of vinyls or concerts can fix that. its unfortunate, and its very scary. i dont know what to do. i really dont. how is it tuesday already? how is it december? christmas is soon, and i will have to sit by the table with my entire family, put on an indifferent face, while they mock me again for being a 29 year old failure. no job, no friends, no love, no home, nothing. i just started enjoying christmas as an adult, and then i suddenly stopped being "a young adult still figuring it out", and started being a parasite. its hard, listening to people telling me to my face that im the reason my parents cant enjoy their lives. i dont even feel like their child anymore.. but i cant bring myself to beg them to hold me or ask them if they still love me anymore. you can really get rejected by others so many times, before it gets stuck in your head forever. i know i have to keep going without them, like basically every other person, because good god, my relationship with them is not special, almost everyone struggles with their parents... so why is it that i cant break out of it like everyone else does? if i have to be alone, cant i be alone in peace? cant i be alone in privacy? cant i be alone in my own little corner of the world? cant i be alone without that heavy burden on my heart, reminding me every single day, that just my existence alone is a curse to people i never wanted to cause problems to. just the fact that i exist, and that i am the way i am.

its almost 4 am, i should go to sleep, im out of tears and out of words anyway

i am obviously unwell but the fact that i am still trying to somehow distract myself from everything with music and writing and anything else and failing almost instantly probably makes me look like a little more unstable than in reality. i know i havent been reliable for a long time now but i really dont think i am manic... i feel so very tired its just one endless low. i cant believe ive entered this year with my hopes up. i really thought i finally had a chance at getting better

[blacklacefanfics]

nothing seems to make sense- rant on my sexual/romantic/gender  identity, fanfiction, and a heteronormative world

I feel like whenever I seem to find some label or new identity that works for me, everything changes on me. I can’t figure out what I am or what I want or anything. (long rant post about self-identity)

All through my teenage years the idea of sex and stuff terrified me. I wasn’t interested in sexual pleasure or anything until I was 18 and actually tried stuff for myself.

Even then it only happened as an “on-needed” basis because I was still so averse to my own genitalia and luckily my libido was so low that it was hardly ever a problem. I remember when I was 10 years old and my mother explained periods to me, I cried the entire car ride home because it terrified me.

I did have crushes and stuff growing up, and I acted on them a lot (like admitting feelings to them) but nothing ever really came of it. But every time friends talked about sexual exploits I would get nauseated just from the mere mention. Like anxiety-nauseated.

I remember being 14 and finding out the word “bisexual” and deciding right then and there that it applied to me. I liked girls and guys and it made sense at the time. I just figured maybe I was a late-bloomer.

By the time I was like 22, I started looking into asexuality but it didn’t make sense. Because to be asexual you have to not experience sexual attraction at ALL. And I realized I had before- but it had been fictional characters and celebrities I was a fan of that caused me to be sexually attracted.

And even now as I’m thinking about it, I can’t really remember if I had experienced sexual attraction to anyone I had a crush on. Like, I can’t look at someone and say “I’m sexually attracted to them” unless... well, sometimes. I can rarely, I think. It’s almost always women I can be sexually attracted to without feeling connected to them first.

But my attraction has historically been mostly men, even if its been fictional or celebrity-based. Like I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years!!! I wrote and consumed a lot of sexual and kinky fanfiction that got my motor running, and I knew it was sexually driving to me. I am less interested in the sexual fanfiction than many other writers (I prefer nonsexual ones most of the time unless I’m “in the mood”) but still, I consumed it and it was safe and I was sexually interested. And it was only gay male fanfiction (even if they were written with vulvas) that made me interested. I just couldn’t connect to sapphic fanfiction for the life of me, which didn’t make sense to me because I thought I was a bisexual woman.

I came to the realization that I was nonbinary when I was 18. I didn’t really experience dysphoria 99% of the time because “feeling like a boy” only happened once in a blue moon. But it happened often enough (since I was 14) that I took notice and realized that I am genderfluid. I didn’t really bother with it except occasionally dressing more masculine and, eventually, cutting two feet off my hair. I didn’t even think about transitioning until I was 22, and I really didn’t want to before then.

Now I’m 24 and I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 14 weeks and 4 days. In September I realized and came out as a nonbinary trans man. My body seems to function better- I don’t know how exactly, but I can feel it. My hunger increased first, and then my libido. It’s like my nonexistent libido fucking skyrocketed and I feel “normal” amounts of sex drive.

I still haven’t had sex. I’m still scared, but its slightly less so. I’ve been putting pressure on myself for almost a decade now that I “should” be wanting sex and that I SHOULD have done it already. But I want to do it. But I also don’t. I don’t know, honestly.

I thought a while back that my feelings towards sex must have to do with me realizing I’m trans and that it has to do with bottom dysphoria. And I believe that has a good part of why I feel the way I do. That maybe if I was born AMAB I wouldn’t have these problems. But also now that I’m on testosterone, my bottom dysphoria has become less pressing and I realize the dysphoria is with the rest of me. So it can’t be part of it?

And then I realize that sometimes the feeling of being a woman comes back, once in a blue moon. Like how I felt when I first realized I was trans, but opposite. But this time I hate it because I don’t want to feel like a woman sometimes. So then my gender becomes another thing that I don’t know about, even though I feel happier and better on testosterone.

AND NOW I look back on my life and think about the “romantic interests” I had in life- was I really romantically interested?? Or was I just following how everyone else acted? But I remember having crushes as early as kindergarten. But even kids do what they think is “normal” so what if I was influenced?? I literally only chose the cutest guy in my class and “decided” I had a crush on him and then it became true because I decided it was.

A few years ago, I discovered the aspec/arospec communities and I try those terms too. But as soon as a new term feels like it fits, I feel like something from my past “proves” differently or something changes or I find someone I think is cute.

I find myself thinking that I am sexually attracted to personalities and not necessarily people. I mean, physicality is a HUGE part of it still for me, but I won’t find someone physically attractive until I know their personality. But I can still look at someone and think “they would be my type”- but how could I be demisexual, for example, if I know ahead of time that I could be attracted to someone? But also if I don’t like their personality, all attraction fades. So the personality does matter.

As far as arospec, I thought that would be no biggie for me. I had experienced crushes and romantic attraction I think. But like I said earlier, what if I’m wrong about myself?

I once talked to a friend about love and I told her that I don’t see why all the types of love are different. I don’t see where the lines blur for other people. I just either love someone or I don’t. And the more I love someone, the more intensely I want to be close to them. But also I love the idea of having a life partner or partners. I’ve also considered that maybe I’m just naive, because I have ADD and it’s known to cause emotional maturity to be delayed by about 4-5 years and MAYBE I really just wasn’t ready or mature enough to know.

The idea of relationships always freaked me out. Any time someone showed interest in me, it made me paralyzed with fear and I don’t know WHY. I always assumed that it was because they would expect sex from me, and the idea of sex paralyzed me as well, so it made me averse to relationships.

Then I thought that maybe I’m polyamorous and that feeling “stuck” with one partner scared me, because I need my freedom and room to breathe. And that maybe I need a triad or something to be happy.

And now maybe I need a queerplatonic relationship that I can be close to someone without the expectations that a heteronormative/allo-normative relationship have. But that can’t work either, because I might become comfortable enough to be romantically/sexually interested and then it wouldn’t exactly be queer-PLATONIC anymore, so that can’t work.

Every term I try seems to get close and I can’t find anything that hits the nail on the head that says “yes, this is me”. Asexual, aromantic, bisexual, biromantic, graysexual, demisexual, demiromantic, nebulasexual, omnisexual, panromantic, pansexual, abrosexual, abroromantic, NOTHING. I can’t seem to make anything work or fit for me because everything is too confusing and too much and I don’t know.

I don’t know myself. I don’t know what I want, or who I want, or when I might want whatever “it” is. I don’t like hating myself because I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what I want and it angers me. And I don’t know how to find myself.

[homesickhalfling]

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

[catgirlsareruiningmylife]

[23:08] - baby you’re a haunted house .

Corpse Husband x Reader

TW :: kinda sad and artsy af tho

A/N :: also its like my first corpse fanfic dont talk 2 me...also uneditedand no, i don’t stalk corpse like some of you, so some shit might be inaccurate xd

corpse guides you through the rickety, torn down fence and then the two of you weave through tall grass. your destination sounds mundane, at first; towards the house a few blocks past the pond you used to skip rocks in...

the house- as many of corpse’s ghost stories go- has been rumored to be haunted, by what, no one knows. ghosts this, cryptid that- nothing particularly interested you as much as him, the narrator versus the story. no, nothing would ever take your attention as much as corpse does- he is the apple of your eye, but he’s too dense to realize this. the two of you have been friends long enough for you two to know what makes the other tick forward. his is alcohol, those die-hard fans of his, and his friends...

so you believe.

he takes your hand and they fit perfectly in his. he feels like a puzzle piece becoming whole for the first time since creation... or he thinks he does anyway- because he feels complete with you gripping onto his hand so tightly. it’s obvious with the way you glance around that you are terrified of being found on private property. it’s as though you were not as cool as you once were, knowing perhaps someone may still be inside...

...or something else might be.

if it were not for the cold weather or the broken windows that hadn’t been fixed in god knows how long- he would laugh at you and call you a scaredy cat.

yet, he doesn’t- he finds there is no point in teasing you unless he wants you to laugh- and right now, he wants you to be comfortable more than anything. he loves to tease you but right now, clearly isn’t the time, judging by the way you fidget with your sweater once he lets go of your hand.

“i’m scared and cold, corpse... where are we..?” you question as the masked man pulls you close out of nowhere- his heart thumps wildly in his chest, matching the pace of yours that echoes loudly in your ears. the symphony of hearts aching for one another is so loud and so in tune that it sounds like your own, so you don’t even notice.

meanwhile, corpse hopes you can’t hear his heartbeat with his loose arm around you, attempting to keep you warm. you feel like that house- hollow and empty, but then his fingertips dig through layers of fabric just to keep you warm. that alone makes you feel alive

“i’m okay... don’t make fun of me, but like.. i’ve always been afraid of ghosts.”

that makes him laugh for corpse is neither dead nor alive (at least it feels that way). some days, he truly wonders if he is a ghost, reliving this cursed life until he gets it right.

(your two worries contrast- his a worry of being dead and losing you- yours, the dead being able to come back.)

“don’t worry, i got your back, if any scary monster comes out i’ll throw myself at them first... then you run, okay?” corpse says this with such a seriousness, it’s difficult not to laugh when he does a moment later.

you two enter through the front door, admiring the architecture of years of being a living room and now it looks like the place where the dead rest.

you cannot help but yelp when he steps on glass and it breaks, immediately, your blood turns cold as you grab his jacket sleeve.

“what the hell was that?”

a pause.

“i stepped on some glass, sorry...”

you exhale, relaxing immediately, yet you refuse to let go of him.

“anyways... why did you bring me here?”

another moment of silence- but that moment turns into a few seconds, and soon a minute.

“i... i used to come here a lot as a teen... this house has always been rumored to be haunted- it’s not, by the way- but everyone looked at me weird.”

he smiled a little softly, as if it was something to be fond of, but it just makes you want to pull him into a hug.

“like, you were the first person who didn’t... and this always had a special place in my heart, because i felt like this house once... i was a happy place, but it went wrong...”

you cannot stop holding your breath, listening carefully- this isn’t the first time corpse has opened up to you so deeply before, but it’s rare that it happens. most of the time he downplays his feelings. sometimes you catch him by seeing puffy red eyes, whether it’s from being tired or having just got done crying, it’s... hard for you to read him. and the other for sure way to tell if corpse is sad is by scrolling through his recently played songs.

“and well, then i met you... and you made this broken home look prettier to me.”

this time, you went silent, unsure of what exactly he was trying to say...

“i... i guess i’m trying to say thank you, and i fucking adore you, alright? in fact, if i could, i’d let the whole fucking world know i... that i love you.”

wait...

“what?”

he groans with exasperation, pulling you into a hug.

“i love you, that’s what i meant... that’s what i’ve always been trying to tell you, don’t know why it had to be here, it’s just... special to me, and so are you.”

“corpse-”

“just listen, [name], you don’t gotta say you love me too, because if you don’t love me like that, it’s alright...”

“listen-”

“i mean, yeah, i’ll be a little sad, but i mean. we’ll always be friends, right?”

you shut him up with a kiss and he returns it immediately. in between laughter, the two of you return the kisses, one by one. until you get to the point where corpse is rest assured that you do in fact, love him.

“you’re a lot like this house, corpse... mysterious but lovely.”

now the two of you see this haunted house in a newer, brighter light...

[bunnygirlheart]

WEIRD stuff happened in my dream last night. i . uh. Let me start ofc at the beginning.

I was in a store, and found a mug that a friend made as like . merch for its blog/art ?? and got someone to buy it for me on the spot? but then the person that bought it like . fell over to die ?? not like as a result of the mug i dont think, I should clarify. dream alice did not curse its merch, to my knowledge. Anyway though this dying person essentially told the like, reaper or w/e that Wait she needed to do something first, and managed to get me the mug instead of falling on it and breaking it. That was, very considerate for a dying woman,, End scene.

Next, there was this thing that was trying to . influence my mind somehow, saying that I had gone home and was like, an english man ? having discovered this my assumption was that it surely wasnt working because I knew, and as such the illusion would fail. I brought it up with someone else and they said I needed to . reassert myself? To state who I really am? and then . the first thing that came to mind is that . im a trans woman, and so I said this. No real reaction, so I sorta . asked abt that fact, since i wasnt sure they heard me ‘cause i kinda mumbled? anyway turns out it was incredibly obvious and they already knew, which was kinda . super comforting bc it meant they knew this and didnt react poorly? just . treating me the same, while keeping quiet abt the details so i could come forward w/ it when i was ready?

on to the third event thought? I was gonna take my dog outside but there was . a strange man in my backyard, with like, tools n stuff, ostensibly present to fix stuff, but with bad scary vibes. Malevolent bald man with a too friendly grin. I closed the door and was gonna lock it, but then I realized he’d put a clamp of some kind on the doorframe so it wouldnt close, as well as a couple nails bent over with a hammer ? i knocked the clamp off, took the hammer and pried the nails out, then closed and bolted the door, before running inside. The place did not match my house. This did not worry me. After hiding briefly, dog at my side, I met some other folks and we discussed something abt escaping the world of the dead ???? and how nobody does that or s/t?

Last thing I remember is like . some scientist or doctor guy was looking at some kids xrays and . im not sure what he was doing. he didnt seem evil though so probably he was just doing his doctory job or w/e. dont know where this moment fits in up there though.

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. ���✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wrong Direction: Chapter 2 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

“I just got off the phone with Max,” it's been two weeks since I've moved into Will’s place, my stuff still in boxes all over the apartment.

“Oh?’ William responds, tossing me a smoothie from the fridge as we get ready to go to practice. I still go to sleep in tears and wake up with puffy eyes, but Willy makes me feel like everythings going to be okay, if not today then someday soon. “How is he?”

“Good,” I tell him, scratching at the back of my neck, refusing to look up at him knowing what comes next. “He asked me to come stay with him. Well, he didn't ask. He's kinda forcing me.”

“Oh,” Will says. He turns around and faces me with a look on his face of a mix of betrayal and hurt, and it makes me want to burst into tears. “Um, well, are you gonna go?”

“I have to, babe. He's my brother, and he said that if I don't come by myself he'll pack my things for me the next time he comes to Toronto.” I feel bad, but I do miss Max.

Willy just frowns at me. “When are you leaving?”

“Uh, tomorrow. He said he'd buy me a plane ticket.”

“To Montreal?! I could drive you!”

“I know, its okay. He’s the one paying so I don't really care honestly. Don't we have to get going?’

“Yeah,” he giggles, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

On our way to the arena, I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart and shaking hands. Seeing Kasperi this often still hurts just as bad as seeing him in bed with that girl. But the whole situation has given me a lot of inspiration for a new song that i've been working on, bouncing ideas off of Will day and night.

He notices my agitation and reaches over to grab my hand. “After this, you won't ever have to see him or me ever again.”

“Hey, don't say that,” I pout. “I'll be back and i'll move back in with you, if you let me, in a couple months. I just need a break from Toronto. Everything I know is laced with memories of him. I can't even enjoy your games because he's there.”

Will nods without looking away from the road. “You're always welcome at my place. We’re all still really pissed at him, you know. Mitch hasn't spoken to him since that night, and you know how Mitch is. Auston doesn't even look at him, and Zach’s only talking to him because he feels bad that everyone is making every effort to ignore him but me. The whole fucking team loves you, Y/N. Oh, and Derms took a slapshot at his ankle the other night and he had to sit out for an entire period.”

My eyes are brimmed with tears and I have to look up at the ceiling of the car to keep them from spilling over. “Can you let the guys know i'm leaving? I'll obviously talk to them, but I don't want to be the one to break the news to them.”

Will nods. “Of course.” he smiles at me then and looks away from the road for a split second to wipe away a tear.

•••

I sit in the third row to watch the boys’ practice and try to continue writing, but the yelling and pucks hitting the boards constantly is distracting, so eventually I give up and watch them skate. During a water break, I catch myself watching Kasperi. All he does is take a few deep breaths, but watching him like this, as if nothing ever happened, makes my heart shatter. Before I can look away, he looks up at me and I watch his entire face fall. He stares at me and I stare back. He studies me, as if to memorize me. I can't look away, and he refuses to skate away. He continues forward, until he's at the boards and we’re a few feet away from each other. Neither of us can pretend we weren't looking at each other. He stops, and so does my heart. And we just watch each other. Just stare. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes, and my stomach hurts, because he was my everything.

A whistle blows. Kasperi whips his head around. The sounds of the rink come back into my ears, and we’re both taken out of the world where we were the only two people who existed. He skates away, glancing back at me once before never looking back at me again.

•••

“Y/N,” Willy says as soon as I answer his facetime call. I've been in Montreal with Max for about two months and I released my song about a week ago. Wills is driving back from practice, which is when he gives me a rundown on how “incredible” he was and how he's gonna kick ass at the next game. But today he looks anything but confident, his forehead a mass of worry lines and his mouth turned down into a frown.

“Y/N, your song is saved on my playlist, and I got the aux this morning. After practice, it came on. Most of us were singing, and I glanced at Kap, and he was just sitting there in his stall. He wasn't moving. Just staring straight ahead.”

I sit up. “Woah, slow down. I thought Kasperi and I were finished.” When I moved away, after the day at the rink, Will told me that Kasperi stopped seeming to care. He was out with a different girl every two days, bringing random girls home every day of the weekend. It still hurts, but it hurt more to realize that our entire relationship meant nothing to him. But if Will is telling the truth, which I don't doubt he is, it makes everything a whole lot more confusing.

“I thought so too, but listen. I think that it was your voice at first, Y/N. He hasn't heard your voice in months. And then he heard the rest of the song, he listened without moving, and as soon as it ended he got up, in just his slides and shorts, and fucking left the room.”

I'm silent, letting Will talk. “The rest of us didn't know what to do, so I tried to follow him. I found him in the weights room, and he was in tears.” Will flicks on the turn signal and turns onto his street, then glances at his phone to see if he should continue the story. I nod at him, holding my breath to keep from breaking down at the thought of Kasperi.

“I went to him and sat with him, and he just cried. I haven't seen him cry since he thought I was getting promoted to the bigs and he wasn't. But he was sobbing. So I sat with him, and eventually he calmed down enough to choke out that he misses you. He told me the girls were a front, and that he hasn't been able to sleep ever since that night. And, Y/N, I dont think he's lying. His eyes always have huge bags under them and he's so shaky. So I asked him why he did it, but he didn't have an answer. He said he missed you and he felt like you didn't love him anymore because you were always out doing stuff for your album, but I told him that was bullshit and he said he knew it. He told me he can't breathe without, and that he hates that he hurt you. So I told him to talk to you, and he said he'd try to text you later today.”

“Damn,” I respond, not sure how to feel. “I want to love him again, but I don't know if I can trust him.”

“You don't have to. He knows he hurt you, and that he has to work to get you back, but I am asking you to please just try to talk to him, because fuck, Y/N, if there’s a such thing as soulmates, it’s you guys. You're both in so much pain. Take your time, keep your walls up, but just talk to him.”

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

“Thank you, beautiful best friend. I'm home now, so I'll call you back in a couple hours?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. See ya.”

He ends the call and I'm left in silence. Then my phone dings with a text notification in my hand, and my heart picks up speed. I know exactly who it is, and I don't want to look at it, not right away, so I throw it across the couch with a pillow on top of it.

I put my head in my hands and try to slow my speeding heart by taking a few deep breaths. “Fuck!” I yell, then silently thank Max for going out a few hours ago. I wipe my face with my hands and sit straight up.

I stare at the pillow my phone is sitting under, knowing without ever checking that there is a text from Kasperi Kapanen waiting for me. My phone dings again and my heart jumps. I stand up and rip my phone from under the pillow.

‘wrong direction huh’

‘i miss u’

I cover my mouth with my hand and my eyes brim with tears. I sit back slowly onto the couch and read over the messages two, three, four more times before unlocking my phone and tapping on the text bar.

‘Dang, how'd u know it was abt u?’

I smile slightly as I type out the message and hold my breath when I hit send. I don't have to wait even a second before the three bubbles come up on the screen.

‘no idea’

‘ig im just tht good’

I laugh and type out another response.

‘Imyt. How r u?’

I bite my lip when the text bubbles come up, and a few seconds later his response comes.

‘could be better tbh. can’t sleep @ the apt nymore so i spend the nites b4 games @ 1 of the guys places’

My breath catches at the words. Then another message pops up.

‘im so sry 4 everything’

I bite my lip and close my eyes, taking a breath.

‘Thx. I havent stopped thinking abt u’

‘me neither’

I take another deep breath. Kasperi was my favourite person, my person, for so long. It's scary how easily we can fall back into simple, comfortable conversation, as if nothing ever happened. So I decide to be straight up and honest with him, and if he really does still care about me, he’ll understand.

‘U broke me, Kasperi. I never thought tht u would hurt me, and u literally broke me. I miss u more than nything and it hurts so bad to b without u, but seeing u in bed with another girl, tht broke me. It felt like our whole relationship was built on lies, and tht u never actually cared abt me. So yeah, i cant stop thinking abt u, and i want to b able to love you again, but u broke my trust and idk if ill ever trust u like i did before.’

I hit send and feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything I type I’ve told Will and all the other guys, but after the day I left the apartment, I never spoke to Kasperi about anything. The three bubbles come up on the screen and I hold my breath, then they disappear. They come up and disappear a couple more times, until a message finally pops up on the screen.

‘i wish i could take back everything i ever did 2 hurt u, but ik its not tht ez. i rly do want 2 fix this, tho. would u b down to ft l8r?’

I can't breathe, but I manage to type out a response without screaming.

‘Sure. Just text me when ur ready’

I take a deep breath and click my phone off. I'm about to get up when my phone dings again. I glance at the message and it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode.

‘ok i will <3’

I smile down at the screen and go to plug in my phone so it's charged when Kasperi wants to call. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but the least I can do is give him a chance to apologize. He's already broken me so badly, even if he lets me down again nothing will compare to the amount of hurt I’ve already felt.