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colehasapen · 4 years ago

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(ONE SHOT) What is a legacy? DC

A03

When Wally had first met Earth's new Green Lantern, the oh-so great Torchbearer, he'd wanted nothing to do with him. Wally - he'd grown up with Hal, then later John, and even Guy, and now all three were gone. He'd grown up with Hal dipping in and out of his Aunt and Uncles' house like he lived there. He'd grown up coming down to breakfast in the morning and seeing Uncle Hal there too, having just come back from space to crawl into bed next to Uncle Barry. When Aunt Iris had been killed, and Uncle Barry started spiraling out of control, it had been Uncle Hal who had kept everything together, who had promised Wally that he wouldn't let Barry out of his sight, that he'd watch his back. It had been Uncle Hal who Wally went to after Uncle Barry's death and the weight of being the Flash was too heavy.

Uncle Hal had been Wally's Green Lantern.

But Hal had broken too. He'd gone crazy and killed the Corps and then vanished. Hal had caved under the pressure no one had known he was under until it was too late, and when he'd come back he was mad.

Wally hadn't wanted a new Green Lantern, wouldn't give him the time of day, until he'd found himself outnumbered during a meeting discussing Hal - Lord Parallax - and had tried to argue that his Uncle needed compassion, understanding, and help , not a fight. They'd called him too close to the situation, too young to know what needed to be done, like Wally hadn't been a hero since he was thirteen, like he was still the little kid in yellow who followed the Flash around and started at them all in childish awe. They could never separate him from the child he could be, but the new Lantern had never known him then, and had stood up and agreed with him.

It had worked too, because in the end, Hal had taken the hand being offered to him, and died to save the world.

After that, Wally had found himself seeking the Lantern out on his own. They still bickered, but Wally found that it reminded him more of the playful ribbing of Uncle Barry and Uncle Hal than any genuine bad blood. He got to know him, started genuinely thinking of him as a friend. He learned that his name is Kyle Rayner, that he’s two years younger than Wally and an independent artist that struggled to pay his bills now that he couldn’t spend all his time on commissions. He’s told that Kyle was well-liked growing up for being generally friendly and easy-going, but didn’t actually have friends until art college because he was just a little too weird for other kids to want to be around him long enough to actually hang out. He learns that Kyle’s mother is an Irish immigrant, that she was his biggest supporter growing up, and that he doesn’t know his father because the man walked out on them when Kyle was still very young, that the only memory of his father Kyle has is vaguely of him speaking Spanish. He learns that Kyle is multilingual, that he grew up speaking English and Gaelic, and learned Spanish in school. He learns the hard way that Kyle is lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. He learns funny little anecdotes about Kyle learning to draw before he learned how to walk, he learns that Kyle loves spicy food but doesn’t eat it often because the right spices don’t exist in space.

He learns a lot about Kyle, and it leads to Wally learning about himself as well.

He’d always known he wasn’t straight. He liked and dated girls, of course, he thought they were beautiful, but there was also a part of him that lingered a little too much during training. There was a part of him that looked at certain friends and said, damn I’d like to kiss him. Dick had been the first, back when they’d still been young sidekicks just starting out, and it had continued on wards for a bit too. It had been reciprocated too; they’d messed around together a bit, but they’d ended it on good terms because Wally wasn’t ready to completely come out yet. He’d been happy for Dick, when he’d started dating Kori, then Babs, and then more and more people. After Dick had been Roy, for a little bit, because Roy was the cool, rebellious older boy, but it wasn’t long before that little crush faded away and Wally started looking at him like an older brother. He’d had that really embarrassing teenage crush on John Stewart for a while, the one that had made Hal burst a gut laughing at him for, before ruffling his hair and telling him under no uncertain terms that it wouldn’t be happening.

Well, Wally had known for a while that he liked men too, even if he hadn’t exactly come out to anyone but those he was closest too. His head was filled full of his dad’s hateful words, something he was working hard to shut out. Kyle though, he didn’t hide the fact that he was trans, or that he was pan - he’d grown up in California and now lived in New York, both of which had more of a thriving community than the likes of the small Midwestern Blue Valley Wally had lived in before moving to Central after getting his powers, and then Keystone after he became the Flash and living in Barry’s house was too much for him.

Kyle was - well, he was nice. A breath of fresh air, really. He was a fellow hero, a member of the main roster, so he knows Wally’s identity and understands the demands of being a superhero better than a civilian would. He’s his age, but didn’t grow up with him, and he gets what Wally is going through, standing in someone else’s shoes and being judged as less worthy compared to his predecessor. Before Wally knows it, he finds himself drifting closer and closer to Kyle, to the point where he’s heard older heroes whispering between them of another Flash-Green Lantern team up.

Apparently it brings back nostalgic emotions to see a Flash and Green Lantern dozing off in the rec room, lights dim and some silly movie or another playing in the background. Wally’s just glad he and Kyle have more control than Uncle Hal did, and haven’t been found in a cleaning closet somewhere.

Now, Wally is pretty sure he knows how Uncle Barry felt whenever Hal would stumble into the house at all hours of the night after a long mission in space to pass out in the bed next to him. He’s gotten used to the faint green glow that accompanies Kyle powering down, the faint hum of the Lantern uniform against his skin before it melts away to whatever civvies Kyle happened to be wearing before getting called out. There’s a soft warmth that comes with waking up in the morning to find Kyle sprawled out next to him, lit up by the soft golden light streaming in through the windows as he breathes, deep asleep. There’s a giddiness that comes with finding more and more of Kyle’s things slowly being added to his apartment; it starts with pajamas and extra clothes, but soon Wally is finding art supplies scattered around, or Kyle’s favourite butterscotch shampoo in the shower.

It’s how Wally realizes that he’s in love with his teammate.

He’s staring down at the innocently placed soap he remembers seeing before in Kyle’s shower when it hits him. Nowadays, Kyle spends more time at Wally’s apartment than anywhere else other than the Watchtower when he’s planet-side, and not out rebuilding the entire Green Lantern Corps on his own. Wally isn’t even sure when it started, that he started bringing more and more of his things to Wally’s small Keystone apartment. He thinks back to the sketchbooks and half-finished paintings scattered around the rooms, of the lactose free milk he didn’t think twice before buying when grocery shopping, of the space in his drawers made for Kyle’s clothes and the paint stained shirts in the laundry basket. He thinks about the lack of nut products in his apartment, of the boxes of tampons and pads he doesn't even blink over stocking up on anymore.

Wally moves so fast he’s dry instantly, bursting into his bedroom where Kyle lays among rumbled sheets. His white t-shirt had ridden up in his sleep, and the waistband of his track pants down, exposing a thin line of the packed core muscles that came with the training they all endured in the League. Somehow, his dark hair looks artfully tousled, inky against the sheets, and lashes just as dark are fanned across sun-browned skin and freckles.

He’s unfairly pretty.

“Kyle!”

Kyle jolts, ring flaring green as he stares around groggily, looking for a threat, “Wha-”

“Are we dating?” Wally blurts out, uncaring of his nakedness in the face of his realization.

Kyle blinks once, twice, looking fuzzy, before he groans, long and dramatic as his uniform dissolves into green sparkles and he drops back onto the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes. There’s a long moment of silence, before the Lantern snorts, and then bursts into breathless giggles.

Wally flounders, “I’m serious!”

Kyle slants a look at him from under his arm, brown eyes warm and almost honey gold in the morning light, “I’d hope we’re dating.” Kyle tells him, voice thick with sleepy amusement, “Otherwise I’ve really been overstepping.”

Wally blushes, feeling a little silly, now that he’s thinking about it. They - they really have been dating, haven’t they? “Oh.” Flustered, Wally rubs a hand down his face, hoping to brush away the burning in his cheeks.

Kyle snickers again, expression warm. “You’re adorable.”

Wally groans, “I’m never going to live this down, am I?” He mutters, listening to Kyle dissolve into giggles again.

“Oh, definitely.” The Lantern teases, before sitting up and stretching with a yawn. “Well,” he drawls, amused, “now that I’m awake -” brown eyes rake across Wally’s body, and an eyebrow quirks, “- got a reason for this visit ?” His voice takes on more of a purr, and Wally blinks in confusion.

Then he remembers.

“Oh.” Wally squeaks, red spreading rapidly across his completely naked body. “I - shower - soap - it’s just-” he cuts himself with an embarrassed groan. "I'm making this worse."

Kyle doubles over from the force of his laughter, holding his stomach as he wheezes, hand flapping. “Kidding -” he gasps, “- I’m just kidding.” The Lantern slides off the bed, still snickering, to press a lightning-quick kiss to his lips that, for Wally, lingers for so much longer. “Go have a shower, babe.” Kyle tells him warmly, “I’ll make some breakfast.”

#cole writes #fanfiction #dc comics #dc heroes #wally west #kyle rayner #flashlantern #wally west/kyle rayner #kyle rayner/wally west #the flash #green lantern #justice league

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kandoesfanfics-writes · 5 years ago

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And I totally see 190 with mari and dick. But I've put in a lot of requests and i know each one takes a lot of your time and effort, so feel free to ignore me

This is my first attempt at Dickinette finished at like 2am. I hope I have served you all well.

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Dick was extremely worried about the petite young lady at the end of the bar.

The dark haired girl had been drinking by herself for about an hour, and the longer she sat there, the sadder she appeared. Her eyes were dim, focused on the drink in front of her. Her skin was flushed, most likely from the alcohol. She was wearing a pink babydoll dress that accented her delicate curves. She had white stockings and black ballet flats. Her hair was loose, cascading past her shoulders.

She looked so sad.

Dick sighed deeply side eyeing Wally and Roy. The two red-heads were laughing and downing their own drinks. It looked like those two were already well on their way to being wasted. Dick was a little irritated as it had been his best friends’ idea to take him out drinking. It was supposed to help him get over Starfire…

The Tameranean had broke up with Dick a few months ago. The man was mostly over it, but it still stung. They’d been dating since they were teenagers. They used to get along almost perfectly, but things had changed as they grew up. Dick was no longer Robin. Dick was Nightwing now, and with the new mantle came new problems.

Starfire herself was dealing with her own developing issues as a member of the Tamaranean royal family. Kor’i refused to abandon her responsibilities, and Dick could respect that. She knew Dick wouldn’t abandon his responsibilities either, so that spelt the end for their relationship. Kor’i told him she would always treasure their time together, and that he would always be one of her best friends.

She’d left for Tameran shortly afterword.

Wally and Roy had gotten tired of Dick’s moping, so they had dedicated the last few weeks to pulling him out of his funk. This was the fifth bar this week, and Dick was getting exasperated. He had let himself be sad, and now he was accepting what was and began to move on. He appreciated his friends for wanting to cheer him up, but Dick did need some alone time.

Which brought him back to the little lady at the end of the bar.

She was all alone and appeared to be intoxicated. She was vulnerable and attracting attention. A few men had bought her drinks, though she hadn’t touched them, ordering her own instead. Dick was relieved to see she still had that much sense, but the more she drank, the more men that gathered around her. It made Dick’s instincts scream at him to do something, anything, to help her.

Dick decided to go over and invite her to sit with them. If she turned that down, Dick would volunteer to order her an Uber to take her home. He just couldn’t leave her sitting at the end of the bar by herself with the wolves waiting to devour her. Dick noted that neither Roy nor Wally noticed him slipping away, so he grabbed his jacket and walked over to her.

“Hi,” he said, giving her a small smile. “...are you doing okay?”

The woman turned, and Dick felt his breath catch in his throat. Her eyes were a gorgeous slate grey filled with unshed tears. She had a cute button nose with a splattering of light freckles across the bridge. She was frowning, petal pink lips drawn thin as if she were trying not to burst out crying. He saw the tears begin to build up as she looked at him once before biting, “Do people go to a bar if they’re okay?”

Dick winced, but tried not to take it personally. She was clearly upset about something, and he was certain all the extra male attention wasn’t making her mood any better. She probably just wanted to be left alone to drown her sorrows in peace. Unfortunately for her, that wasn’t how Gotham worked. A pretty lady like her drinking alone could only spell disaster.

“Well, my two buddies are here, and their lives are most certainly fine,” he said, pointing a finger to the two intoxicated red-heads. “They dragged me here because they think I’m miserable.”

“Why would they think that?” she said, her accent coming out.

Huh, so she was French? That would explain why she didn’t seem to realize how dangerous Gotham was.

“My girlfriend and I broke up. We’d been dating since we were around fourteen,” Dick answered honestly. “Kor’i had family problems, and I had my own responsibilities. In the end, it just didn’t work out. I was sad for a little bit, but she was right. We couldn’t compromise...I just miss her. She’d been a constant presence in my life for the better part of seven years, after all.”

That seemed to reach the woman, who had now put her glass of wine down. She was no longer looking at him with hostility, but something else. It wasn’t a look of pity. Dick knew the difference between looks of pity and genuine empathy. The dark haired woman rubbed her arms before gesturing to the open seat next to her. She then smiled bitterly at him before sighing, “Love sucks, doesn’t it? My boyfriend never loved me for me. He cheated on me.”

Dick looked apologetic as he sat down next to her. He held out his hand and said, “Richard, it’s nice to meet you. My friends call me Dick.”

Her delicate hand reached out to grab his. Dick marveled at how small her fingers were in comparison to his. They were soft, but definitely did not lack strength. Her handshake was surprisingly firm for such a small woman.“Marinette,” she said. “I don’t have any friends.”

“I doubt that,” Dick replied. “Everyone has friends.”

“Not me.”

Dick lifted his hand to get the bartender’s attention. He ordered a glass of semi-dry red wine and took a sip.

“Like I said already, my buddies brought me here. The red-head who looks like he could toss a man is Roy. His adopted father and my adopted father are business rivals, so we hung out a lot growing up. The other red-head who’s giggling like a nut is Wally. He’s a real jokester, but he’s one of the most reliable friends I have,” he said. “I’m currently working at Wayne Enterprises, but I’m trying to get a different job.”

“Don’t like it there?” Marinette asked softly.

“...I had a fight with my adopted father,” he admitted with a shrug. “It’s his company…”

“So you don’t want to work there any more,” she said with a firm nod. “That’s understandable. I left Paris to get away.”

“Away from what?”

Marinette seemed to glance anxiously at him before tossing her wine glass back and chugging the contents. Once she was done, she began to tell him about her life in Paris. She started with explaining that her parents, while loving and supportive individuals, had given her freedom to the point of neglect as a child. She told him that she still loved her parents and knew they loved her, but that was the reason she’d had such a hard time asking them for help with things.

Marinette moved on to discuss how she’d had a few friends growing up as a child. She told him that she realized that she’d had fewer friends than she thought when a girl named Lila Rossi came to her lycee. The young woman went on to discuss how things had gotten terrible. Most of her friends had turned their back on her the second this Lila girl began spreading her lies. There had been only a handful of people who knew the girl was lying.

That had caused so much on strain on many of her relationships in which was only made worse by how much work Marinette was doing. Marinette had been her class’s president which was a lot of work. Her one friend had quit as her deputy after being pulled in by this Lila girl’s lies. This had left Marinette alone to do all of the work for her class.

“Not to mention all my commissions, things were goddamn nightmare,” Marinette said, quietly thanking the bartender for her new glass of wine. “Commissions? Are you an artist?” Dick asked.

Marinette seemed to light up at that.

“I’m actually a budding fashion designer!” she said brightly. “I’ve been doing it since I was young. I actually made the dress I’m wearing right now.”

Dick’s eyes scanned her dress more closely this time.

“That’s really impressive,” Dick said. “That looks like hand stitching! The embroidery on the neckline is gorgeous. Did you really sew this all by hand?”

Marinette nodded excitedly, telling Dick it had taken her only a few days to make. She went on to discuss how she’d been trying to establish her brand in the United States for a few months, but progress had been slow.

“I love designing and creating things,” Marinette said sweetly.

“Really? I’d love to see some more of your designs! Do you just design women’s dresses or do you make more?” he asked.

Marinette suddenly went very quiet. Her grip on her drink tightened before her eyes welled up with tears once again. The tears began to drip down her cheeks as her body began to tremble. She sniffed a few times before chugging the rest of her wine. It took everything in her not to slam the glass down on the counter as all the emotions she’d tried to suppress came rushing to the surface.

“...what did I do wrong?”

Dick felt himself start to panic as he saw the woman’s reaction. He hadn’t meant to make her cry! He was supposed to be making her feel better! He rushed to try and think of a way to change the subject when she asked her question. He watched in horror as she began to dissolve into tears, reaching out gently to touch her arm.

“...what did I do wrong? I did everything he’d asked of me. I was honest. I never cheated. I never—” she cried. “Why couldn’t he love me for me?”

The dark haired man gently scooched his chair closer to Marinette. He then wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders, pulling her close in a show of support. He listened to her cry, feeling his own anger stirring. He was enraged to think that her model would date her just because he figured out she was someone he looked up to! If he didn’t love Marinette as herself, why would he want to date her after learning she was a famous designer?

“Honestly, sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong,” Dick said quietly. “To me it simply sounds like this guy was a complete idiot who wouldn’t know a good, talented woman if one bit him in the ass.”

Marinette’s grey eyes darted to him, searching for any dishonesty. When she found none, she smiled weakly and thanked him for trying to make her feel better. Wiping her eyes, she told Dick that she was going to go home and sleep the alcohol off. As she moved to get up, Marinette wobbled unsteadily and had to grasp Dick for support.

“I think I may be slightly more drunk than I thought,” she whispered, her cheeks turning bright red.

Dick simply smiled at her before draping his coat over Marinette. He stood up and gently guided her away from the bar and out into the cool Gotham air. He noted how she shivered, pulling closer to him before mumbling, “Don’t like the cold.”

“C’mon Nettie, I’ll get you a ride home—”

“Don’t wanna go back.”

“Nettie—”

“He’s there.”

This made the man stop. The guy she was avoiding was at her place of residence? Did they live together? What was she going to do now? Marinette was clearly drunk and vulnerable. What would happen if she went back home and this douchebag was still there? It made Dick’s skin crawl, so he decided to choose the lesser of two evils.

He fished out his phone and dialed a number he was secretly hoping he’d never have to call again. Dick nearly breathed out a sigh of relief when a welcomingly familiar voice answered the phone.

“...hey Alfred...it’s Dick. Is Bruce out?”

“Why yes, Master Dick. He took Jason out this evening.”

“...could you come pick us up? I ran into an old friend, and she got pretty drunk. I’m afraid to send her home by herself.”

“Of course, Master Dick. Shall I set up a room for you as well?”

Dick could hear the hopefulness in Alfred’s voice as he added that Jason would probably like to see him as well. Dick gritted his teeth but wasn’t able to answer before Marinette’s sweet voice asked him who Jason was. One he’d told her who Jason was, Marinette got a very firm look on her face.

“You should stay. This Bruce might be a big idiot, but the little boy has nothing to do with it. Are you really going to be mean to the little boy who looks up to you because you’re mad at someone else? Because that doesn’t seem right at all. What did little Jason ever do to you?”

He would have laughed if he hadn’t been so shocked. Marinette had been an inconsolable sobbing mess only moments before. Now she was spitting out wisdom like she was freaking Buddah. He had to admit she had a point though. His problem was solely with Bruce, and Jason didn’t have anything to do with it. Jason hadn’t done anything to warrant the kind of treatment Dick had been giving him.

“...I’ll stay, Alfred. Only for Jason. I refuse to talk to Bruce.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Master Dick. Jason could use the help of someone experienced in dealing with Master Bruce,” the relief was clear in his voice. “I’ll come get you, and then set up your rooms.”

“You’re experienced there too, you know?”

“Yes, Master Dick… but I’m not a young man, and I’m not Master Bruce’s son like you are. I firmly believe he’ll relate to you better.”

Dick mentally agreed, but thanked Alfred and hung up the phone. He turned his attention back to Marinette, whose grey eyes were watching him closely. She looked almost lost as if she didn’t know what to do now. He could see the anxiety coming back to her expression and quickly asked her what was wrong.

“Should I really come over if you’re having issues with him? I don’t want to make things worse—”

“Nettie, you’re fine. Just stick close, and I’ll keep you warm and safe until Alfred gets here. Then you can go to sleep in a safe place,” Dick said firmly. “I’ll work things out with Jason. Bruce is just being stubborn and refusing to admit he’s wrong. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.”

Marinette’s drunken mind seemed to crash.

She could vaguely remember him using the nickname before, but it hadn’t hit her until just then. Dick was calling her Nettie. Dick had given her a nickname. Dick was offering her a safe place to stay. Dick was standing here, making sure she was safe and warm while his friends were still drinking inside. Dick had left his friends to see if she was okay…

Her face, already slightly flushed from the alcohol, got redder as she locked eyes with the enchanting man next to her. She’d made a mental note of him before, dark hair and blue eyes, but now she was looking at him closely. He had beautiful cheekbones and eyes that carried a mischievousness to them. A smile always seemed to be tugging at the corner of his mouth, and he was stronger than Marinette originally thought

He was muscular, but not in the way one who lifts a lot of weights would be. He had muscles more like… a dancer.

Marinette got so tangled up in her thoughts she didn’t notice the limo pull up beside them. It wasn’t until Dick began gently guiding her to the door that Marinette even realized the car was there. Time blurred for her after that as she let Dick take care of her. The last thing she’d be able to recall the next day was an elderly man showing her a room, and plopping herself onto the bed.

Dick had come to wake her up the next morning with some ibuprofen and water.

He’d smiled at her the same way he had when he greeted her at the bar. It still made her feel weak and brought a small smile of her own to her face. Dick had then talked to her about the previous night’s events, and what had happened. He told her not to worry about crashing at the manor as he himself hadn’t felt comfortable sending her back home. He then offered his assistance in either kicking her boyfriend out of her home or helping her relocate.

“Why would you do that?” she asked quietly. “Why do you even care?”

“Because I’m your friend, Nettie.”

“Why?”

“...because right now, we could both use a good friend,” Dick said softly. “One that listens to me instead of dragging me out to bars. One that tells me to shut up and man up when I’m wrong. You may not remember it, but you set me straight last night. I’m going to talk to Jason. Fighting with Bruce or not, he still adopted Jason which makes him my little brother. I shouldn’t take my anger out on him.”

Marinette’s eyes widened as she set the glass of water down beside her.

“I did that?” she murmured.

“Yeah, you did. You could also use someone who isn’t going to use you for money or fame. You seemed really nice, and it sounds like a lot of people took that for granted or abused it. That’s not fair to you,” he added. “So what do you say? Are we at least friends?”

As Dick held his hand out to Marinette, her face began to heat up. She managed to keep herself together long enough to shake his hand, a shy smile appearing on her face. She felt her heart thud in her chest as the man with sky-blue eyes smiled the most perfect smile at her.

Sure...they could be friends for now.

#dickinette #maribat #kan writes some things #kan answers an ask #mlb/dc crossover #don't like don't read #our girl is aged up to be the same age as him #so everyone cool your damn jets

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backtothestart02 · 4 years ago

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Mixed Drink - 19/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: This one was harder to write, but I hope you enjoy it!

Commissioned by @andromidagalaxie

...

Chapter 19 -

A few days later, Iris found herself still at work an hour after her shift had ended, gnawing on her lip and still unsure of what to do.

She still hadn’t called or texted Jesse. She had to give the girl credit. She hadn’t bothered her once. She’d waited patiently for Iris to contact her. She had said she’d contact her in a few days though, and a few days it had been.

Tell her everything?

How dangerous would that be? And what would she do with that information? She said she wouldn’t share it, but would she cave and tell Wally, or worse yet, Joe and Francine? She might have the best of intentions, but some of the worst things in the world happened with the best intentions.

She was so occupied staring at the floor with her chin propped in her hand that she didn’t even register the presence of someone walking towards her.

“Made a decision yet?” the voice asked, and when Iris looked up, she saw the object of her thoughts staring down at her softly. She didn’t look angry or annoyed, just curious.

“Jesse, hi.”

“Hey. May I?” She gestured to the other side of the booth Iris was sitting at.

Iris nodded, forcing a smile on her conflicted face.

“How’ve you been?” Jesse asked, as if the real question she wanted to ask wasn’t plain as day written on her forehead.

“Alright,” Iris played along, needing the small talk somehow. “You?”

“I’ve been fine. School, you know. And Wally…”

Iris’ brows furrowed. “Are things all right with Wally?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, they’re fine. It’s just…” She licked her lips.

“You want to know my answer,” Iris finished for her.

“It has been a few days,” Jesse said weakly, as if she was afraid to remind her. “That is what you asked for.”

Iris nodded. “It is.”

“Have you…thought about my proposal?”

“Is this a school assignment?” Iris asked, only half-joking.

“I am taking a journalism class just for fun, but no, it’s not an assignment.”

That’s how it started for me too, Iris thought to herself. A journalism class for fun.

She’d developed a passion for writing and reporting so fast, investigating, finding out the truth and sharing it, letting justice prevail. But her love for it had also quickly become the downfall of the entire West family. Ever since then she’d wandered in the wilderness of her life, never succeeding at what she loved so much.

Every place of employment she went to, her heart ached too fiercely, her passion bending the rules before she’d elevated to a place where she could bend them. She was never promoted, never praised, and in the end fired for reasons that sometimes seemed like they came out of thin air. Sometimes they were legitimate – not sticking to assignments ever or sneaking into places where her badge did not allow, places that were dangerous apparently. But sometimes she would be fired without a reason and without any warning, and with no recommendation letter either, which left her truly wondering if she was cursed to have such a love for something she couldn’t seem to succeed at.

“Iris?”

She blinked and found Jesse looking at her with furrowed brows again, a concerned expression if she ever saw one.

“Um…”

“If your answer is no, it’s okay to say so. It’s eating me alive not being able to do something as I see your family continue to fall apart, but…I won’t push you. Like you said, some things just can’t be fixed.”

Iris eyed her suspiciously.

“You don’t strike me as someone who gives up that easily.”

Jesse hesitated. “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions – not related to your past?”

“Okay.”

That seemed safe enough.

“Why are you working at Jitters, of all places?”

Iris raised her eyebrows, amused.

“Jitters is a nice place.”

“For a first job maybe,” Jesse said. “Or a job to hold you over while you’re going to school or until the next big thing comes along.” She paused. “Is there a next big thing coming along for you?”

Iris didn’t like how unsettled the question made her. She hadn’t actually thought much into the future except making her part of the rent and having Barry in her life. Eventually she wanted to try being a reporter again, but right now she was so depleted from all her failed attempts that she didn’t even want to think about it.

“Not yet,” she finally said. “But for right now it’s enough.”

“Do you have someone special in your life right now?”

Iris grinned at that. She was shameless about the man in her life. She didn’t mind sharing that aspect one bit.

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

Jesse looked surprised, but Iris ignored her.

“Really? What’s his name?”

“His name is Barry.” Iris beamed.

“How long have you known each other?”

“Just a few weeks, but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life.” She sighed happily.

“Where did you two meet?” Jesse asked, slipping into girl talk mode more than investigative reporter.

Iris hesitated. “…in a bar.”

“Ah.”

“A one-night stand I’ll never regret.”

“Mm.”

Iris could feel the waves of disapproval coming off of Jesse and immediately got defensive.

“How did you and Wally meet?” she asked, crossing her legs beneath the table.

“Well…as much as I’d like to say a study group or something of that nature, it was also a bar.”

Iris’ jaw dropped. Maybe she’d judged too quickly.

“No way.”

“Way.” She laughed. “Celebratory drinks after a successful Math and Science Club competition. Wally apparently saw me across the room where he was with his engineering buddies and had a drink sent over. I invited him to do karaoke with me and the rest is history.”

“You’re telling me my baby brother didn’t so much as make a move the night you met?”

“Well, there might have been some making out in the women’s bathroom after we sang karaoke. He was apparently shocked I could sing, on top of math and science genius.” She lowered her voice to confide. “I graduated high school at 16 too.”

“Am I supposed to be impressed?” Iris asked, even though the look on her face told Jesse that she was.

“Wally was.” She smirked.

“So, what are you now, 18?”

“Nineteen,” she said. “Close though.”

Jesse’s energy was contagious, and Iris found herself smiling. She liked this girl. She liked her a lot. She didn’t know if she trusted her with such a precious secret, but she liked her. She approved of her brother’s girlfriend.

Iris sobered up.

“Tell me why I should trust you, Jesse.”

Jesse grew serious too.

“Because I’m the only tie to you and the other West’s that genuinely has the best intentions at heart. I want to see your family whole again.”

“And if I tell you, you’ll what? Tell Wally and hope the information makes him instantly forgive me and we can tackle our parents together?”

“Something like that. Though I intend to make more of a game plan before just dumping all the information on him, especially given what he thinks of you right now.”

Iris stiffened. “Right.”

“Iris?”

“Mm?”

“He’s wrong. I know it.”

“And if he’s not?”

“We’re not family yet. I can choose to give you a second chance without Wally’s permission.”

“You’re gutsy, I’ll give you that.”

Jesse waited a beat then asked, “So? What do you think?”

Iris took a deep breath and then jumped in with both feet.

“Okay. Tonight. Meet back here five minutes after we close. I’ll let you in, and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Promise?”

Iris hesitated, but then nodded.

“Promise.”

…

Shortly after Jesse left, Iris decided she’d spent enough time at Jitters and wanted to go home.

Maybe Tom would be parked outside to take her to the hotel. He had been the past few days, but she was running out of clothes to change into for the next day at work. She should probably go home first and meet Barry at the hotel room later. They could have room service bring them a candle light dinner like they had last night and spend the night just relaxing with each other before inevitably having sex.

Well, maybe the sex would have to be delayed until later if she was going to come back to Jitters around 10 that night in order to talk to Jesse.

In order to talk to Jesse.

Wow. She couldn’t believe she’d actually agreed to that. This would change everything.

A heaviness settled over her that she quickly shook off. She could think of the gravity of all of this when she came back later. Now she had to get some clothes and-

She paused. Because right there behind one of the glass windows was her tall, handsome man, Barry Allen.

Her heart leapt into her throat, and she hurried outside to greet him by jumping into his arms. He laughed and held her tight before setting her down and kissing her.

“What a greeting,” he said, smiling wide.

“I’ll say.”

Her eyes were bright, and her cheeks were flushed.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and swept his curled finger across her nose, cheek, and chin. She was smiling wide when he finished.

“You take my breath away, Mr. Allen.”

“That’s at least one good thing I can do today,” he said.

Iris started to frown.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

He sighed.

“I have to work late tonight, really late. You can still come to the hotel if you want to, but I don’t know how much I’ll be around.”

“I thought you’re only on call for late nights, not actually scheduled.”

“Yeah, well, this one unfortunately was scheduled, and I just was not informed until today.”

“I see.” Her face fell.

“I’m sorry.”

He weaved his fingers through her hair, and she looked up at him.

“I still want to go to the hotel. We can have dinner together at least, yeah?”

He forced a smile. “Sure, Iris.”

“Oh, but first we need to stop at my place. I need more clothes to work in for the rest of the week.”

“Don’t you ever get a day off?”

She laughed. “Day after tomorrow is my day off, so I guess technically I only need one more dress.”

“You like wearing dresses?” he asked, sneaking his arm through hers and guiding her across the street to where the limo was waiting for them.

She nodded as she stepped into the vehicle, smiling at Tom as she went.

“They’re fun to wear.”

“Easy to get out of too, I imagine,” Barry murmured, and Iris knew they’d only half be eating dinner that night. The rest of the time would be taken up with losing themselves in each other in the best way they knew how.

“You’ve learned that easily enough that week, haven’t you?” she teased.

He chuckled. “It’s been a fun lesson to learn.”

“Then come here, Mr. Allen,” she said, pulling him near her. “Show me what you’ve learned.”

He went with her and plastered a sexy grin on his face.

“Gladly, Ms. West,” he said, and slipped his hand up her dress to squeeze one ask cheek underneath.

Iris yelped, and Barry swallowed it with a kiss.

Just beyond them, Tom brought up the partition and turned on the music.

…

In the middle of the night, adorned in all black, Barry stepped into the shadows of the museum in downtown Central City.

He’d taken down the security system and the laser defenses and was now lying in wait for the criminals to come and take their prize – or attempt to take thei, the stunning painting with a usb inside that detailed important government information that was best kept out of their hands.

“Are you in, Barry?” Felicity’s voice said directly into his ear.

He pushed the com in closer and lowered his voice to almost silent.

“Yeah, I’m in. It’s quiet as a mouse in here.”

“Not for much longer. Look to your left.”

Barry pushed himself further back into the shadows and looked to his left as Felicity had instructed.

“I see him.”

“He has two guns on him. See the bulge at his ankle?”

“Yeah, I see.”

“We have to catch this guy and whoever’s with him. I’m your back-up, Barry. Follow him to the painting.”

“On it.”

And so, Barry waited a till the man started to move, foolishly right into the moonlight on his way to the painting. He followed him then, discreetly. From room to room he waited, making sure he didn’t make a sound with each step he followed him.

Then they were both inside the room where the painting resided, and Barry pulled a gun out of his pocket.

“It’s over, Slick.”

The man spun around just as he was about the reach for the painting.

“Who are you?” he gasped, and Barry realized at that moment that this wasn’t the guy they were looking for this. This was an amateur. And why would a professional use an amateur to come steal his prize possession?

Unless he knew someone would try to stop him…

“Hello, Mr. Visier.”

Barry turned around, the name he’d put on his job application familiar to him.

“I knew it was a mistake hiring you, but I did it anyway.”

Barry’s brows furrowed. “Wha-”

The man punched him to the ground, and then a few more times until he was unconscious.

“Barry! Barry, are you all right? Barry?” Felicity’s voice sounded in his ear, but neither men heard it.

The sound of Barry’s bulletproof vest being unzipped was heard in Felicity’s ear as well as a gunshot following it. Her eyes widened in a panic. She clutched at her speaking device.

“BARRY!”

…

After a romantic, steamy early evening with Barry, the last thing Iris wanted to do was go and tell her dark life story to Jesse Wells.

Still, a promise was a promise, and since Barry was gone when she woke up from her post-coital nap, she decided to get ready in the clothes she’d come in and head over to Jitters.

What she didn’t expect was the brunette not to show.

Iris waited over an hour and actually fell asleep waiting until a pounding at the door woke her. She sat up immediately, expecting it to be Jesse, but the sight before her stole her breath.

It was Wally.

Unsure of what was going to happen, she reluctantly made her way across the shop and unlocked the door for him.

“Wally, what are you-”

“So, this is your meeting spot, huh? With my girlfriend?”

She froze. “She told you.”

“No. She came over and this fell out of her pocket.”

He dropped the small recorder on a nearby table. Iris’ eyes widened. She’d had no idea Jesse had been recording her.

Wally pressed play on what he presumably wanted her to hear.

“Okay. Tonight. Meet back here five minutes after we close. I’ll let you in, and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He stopped the recording.

“So, what exactly were you going to tell her?” He took a seat at the table. “Because I’d love to know too.”

Iris bitterly sat back down and glared at him.

“You came late for someone who was following instructions.”

“Who said I was following them?”

“You had a fight,” she deciphered.

“You had no business getting my girlfriend involved.”

Iris scoffed. “She got herself involved. Sought me out. Twice!”

“You should’ve denied her.”

“Why? You afraid I’ll tell her the truth?”

He laughed. “And what is the truth, Iris?”

She was about to answer, about to spit something truly awful back in his face, but her phone rang in her pocket. She saw it was an unknown number and ignored it, but then it called back again and again, and so she stood up and answered it, much to Wally’s dislike.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Is this Iris West?”

“Who’s asking?”

“My name is Felicity Smoak. I’m a co-worker of Barry’s. I was with him during his… During his shift tonight.”

Iris got a nasty feeling in her gut. She slowly sat down at the next table over to gain some privacy from Wally’s glaring eyes.

“This is Iris,” she said, her voice quivering.

There was a pause before the woman continued.

“There’s something you should know.”

...

*will be posted on AO3 and FFnet when beta’d.

#westallen #fanfiction #westallen fanfiction #backtothestart02 fanfiction #mixed drink #chapter 19 #fic commission #for andromidagalaxie

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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Mission Hill Review: Plan 9 From Mission Hill or I Married a Gay Man From Outer Space!

Commission for @weirdkev27. Hallowen Havoc marches on! For my first commission ever, I take a look at the cult classic mission hill’s final produced episode and one of it’s most loved. Kevin’s visit to an x rated movie pays off less with boobs and more with a friendship with his elderly gay neighbor and film buff wally and a new appreciation for cinema, only for this new friendship to nearly end over Kevin’s good natured attempt to spotlight Wally’s only film, the man from pluto. Gay spaceman, a touching gay love story, and a surprisingly likeable guy with a neckbeard insue. Spoilers and full recap FROM PLUTO, under the cut.

Well this was a nice suprise. After the utterly draining process of my review of “Let’s Get Dangerous”, it was a nice suprise to find out one of my handful of fans had tried to comission me a while back and I hadn’t realized it, and I was happy to oblige him. I was even happier when I found out what his commission was: Plan 9 From Mission HIll, an episode i’d planned to cover for pride but got squeezed out due to how little i’d planned the month out in advance, a lesson I still REALLY need to learn. Regardless not only was it a nice, funny, and heartwarming ep to cover after the sheer amount of analysis and recapping the last one took, I realized it ended up fitting the spooky season, as there’s just as much fun to be had in truly fantastic horror movies like “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Get Out”, “Child’s Play”, “Tales from the Hood” and “The Thing” as there is from so bad it’s great horror films like “House (The Japanese one), C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud, Terror Toons and House Shark. Seriously watch House Shark i’ts hilarious. Hell I fully plan on watching the Gary Busey film Hider in the House tomorrow. I mean it’s a film about hollywood’s favorite nutball living in the walls and attic of someone’s house. What’s not to love? Maybe it might be entirely boring but that’s the risk you sometimes take to find so bad it’s gold filmaking. Plus cheeestastic films like these are the reason we have the classsic and incomprable mystery science theater 3000 and it’s succesor rifftrax. So while I need to watch more of them, I have a spot in my likely overtaxed heart for this kind of film, and as a result this episode resonated with me on rewatch in a way it didn’t the first time around, even if it was still my faviorite.

Backing up a bit as usual I like to give my history with a show first time covering it: Mission HIll was one of a handful of shows picked up by Adult Swim in it’s early days. Since most of Adult Swim’s early originals were 11 minutes at a time when this was still a new and radical thing they were doing having 11 minute shows that weren’t sold as half hour pairs of 11 minute episodes, they likely needed more shows to fill up the air and clevelry simply bought the rights to several shows that had only had one season, along with Family Guy and Futurama which as history would bear out both made the shows into huge names in the animation industry but brought both back.. though in Family Guy’s case sometimes dead is better. Point is, several shows got a second life thanks to Cartoon Network if sadly not more seasons, with the sole exception of the utter classic Home Movies which I really need to talk about at some point, and thus are really more associated with Adult Swim than their original networks. Hell before doing this review I genuinely didn’t know what Mission HIll’s original networks. But now you know the framework this show came out in what IS Mission Hill anyway?

MIssion Hill was a cartoon from the wonderful brains of Bill Oakely and Josh Weinstein, no relation to the MST3K one who due to this confusion now goes by J. Elvis Weinstein instead, who showran the simpsons and did some great episodes, my faviorte of there’s being $pringfield, aka the casino one.

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The show was about Andy, a 24 year old slacker whose happily lazing about after college in his loft with his friends Jim, a stoic but friendly stoner played by Brian Posehn, and Posey, a sensitive hippie. However when he goes to pickup his childhood dog he ends up with an unexpected roomate: His nerdy, sheltered and neurotic brother Kevin, who has a love of sci fi, a type a personality and a habit of going bling blong to focus when studying or just whenever. He’s also voiced by future robin and future psychopath claming to be robin Scott Mellinville. Also in the building are Carlos and Natalie, an unemployed artist and college professor and their baby Nameless. I forgot they existed. And of course saving the best for last we have the brother’s neighbors, and a very early gay couple for animated television Wally and Gus, played by the legendary Tom Kenny and Nick Jameson who hasn’t done much of note but does a great job anyway. Wally is a fastudious, Gus is angry and very brooklyn, but the two genuinely love each other, makeout frequently, with their first showing off the two as a gay couple, and are an adorable but very beliviable couple. It’s part of WHY I wanted to spotlight them. The late 90′s/early 2000′s, the show originally aired in 99 and into 2000 and aired on adult swim in the early 2000 for the curious, were not a great time to be gay in animation with most gay characters used as punchlines and hardly any queer stories. Not only that but just a year earlier will and grace had to have one overly camp chracter and one “regular” gay character in order to get made. Granted that show has it’s issues but still, the point stands having a gay couple that plays fairly realistically, is shown to both be sexually active and love each other and who’ve been together for decades was a hell of a step for a medium where Family Guy around the same time had a joke with the punchline “Whoa transvestite back off!” Granted Family Guy would do far worse to both the gay and trans communities, but we’ll get to that someday. Or sooner if you commission me, but I swear if you do I will pull a gary busey on your house. Point is not only is it INCREIDBLY forward for it’s time but it holds up even now. There’s a reason the creators are working on a spinoff/revivial focused on the two and a reason these two tend to be one of the most talked about elements of the show. That and frankly their hilarious having realistic banter.. and also having one episode where Gus has a knife in his head for a whole episode. It helps that this episode, their spotlight one and the last one produced, is also one fo the series best. So with all that build up let’s take a look shall we?

We open with Kevin passing a theater showing x rated movies and are shown, over a bunch of times of him passing it him condeming it publicly but his tone clearly telegraphing the classic battle between a teenage boy and his dick. Dick wins and Kevin heads inside and gives us... this.

.... If you will excuse me, please enjoy the musical stylings of the late great Zorak while I go shower the “EeEEEEEEUUUUGGggggggHHHhhuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhewwwwuuuuugggghhhhggooooodddddddwwwyyyyyy” off me.

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God rest his soul. Okay i’m good now. Thankfully this isn’t an episode about Kevin getting addicted to x-rated theater, and they already did an episode about him masturbating. No really it actually had a good message as Kevin was so embarassed about the incident, he nearly let two other guys, granted not remotley good people who were stealing from there anyway, take the fall. Andy even ends up giving a great speech coming to his defense

“People, you mock this boy, but it's your fault he's here today. Your hypocrisy has made this boy a prisoner, terrified of his own sexuality. So much so that he'd rather send two relatively-innocent men to prison than admit he looks at pornography! He thinks his natural urges are filthy and perverted, and why? Because of your conspiracy of silence! Nobody dares admit the truth - that you're all just like him!”

IT’s a damn good moment and a good message. That sadly is still relevant as America still views sex as worse than violence for some weird reason. At least he has the internet now. Anywho when Kevin goes to see what’s up he runs into Wally who explains the confusion: He’s just showing old “X-Rated films”. Now some of you are probably wondering “Wait non-porn films used to use that?” Or “Wait what’s an x-rating?” Well while I knew some films did used to do that I was honestly curious myself as to why it was retired and why porn films got to use it and took a quick hop to google to find out reading both the wikipedia article for the rating and this vulture article on the subject to get a slightly deeper look at it.

It’s actually quite intresting as I genuinelly also didn’t know when the MPAA ratings started for films: When the rating’s board started in 1968 there were four raitings: G, GP (Later flipped to PG), R and X. X was the modern equivlent of today’s R really, and films like Last Tango in Paris, Midnight Cowboy and a Clockwork Orange, with Orange even having a poster up at the cinema in this episode and Midnight Cowboy being part of the plot very soon. We’ll get to that in the moment. Point is it allowed filmakers to push the envelope break barriers all that good stuff and makes me curious about those very films, which is a good thing as i’ll admit to not being exactly a film buff. But as Kevin’s confusion here shows, eventually the porn industry took a hold of it, using the X as a way to get sex movies into regular cinemas and have an air of legitimacy, hence why Debbie Does Dallas was a mainstream hit.. and yes that’s an actual film that I only know about thanks to I Love the 70′s. If your wondering why the MPAA just couldn’t you know, tell them to know or why they didn’t take over other ratings it turns out for some weird reason why the G and R ratings were owned by them, and later PG , they forgot to trademark X and by the time they even thought of it it was too late. Hence terms like XXX rated and what not or the ungodly stupid XXX porn parodies. Just.. just give them actual names and slap “A porn parody” ont he end if you want to avoid a lawsuit. Naturally the film industry struck back and X soon went from a way to have daring, interesting films.. to basically a threat by the MPAA that your film wouldn’t be carried by any major distributors if it had one, with Dawn of the Dead having to just go unrated just to get distributed. The 80′s brought the killing stroke: With the rise of big theater chains, mall theaters with restrictions I wasn’t aware of, and big home video outlets like blockbuster that didn’t carry porn, the x rating was well and truly dead and the MPAA lukewarmly added NC-17 which serves the same bullshit purpose as theaters still refuse to carry them and the MPAA still uses it for essenitally the same reason. Nothing changed! If your wondering why people sometimes have problems with the MPAA, yeah there’s your answer, as they could’ve campaigned harder for NC-17 but clearly enjoyed having a raiting to hold over films heads.

So yeah if you don’t know, know you know bud, let’s move on. So yeah Wally explains the confusion and decides to educate Kevin on film by showing him Midnight Cowboy, with John Voight “Before his head looked like a radish” and Dustin Hoffman. Also Andy brings up Sphere.. a film I also know nothing about. Hang on... checking Letterboxd and okay. It’s a Dustin Hoffman starring Sci-Fi film about a research team investigating a mysterious sphere at the bottom of the sea. Huh.. I prefer Cube myself but to each his own. But once Kevin clams up he really enjoys it. Will grant the episode lays it on a tad thick, with Kevin comparing the film to , of all things, Armageddon. I mean I get MIcheal Bay is a good metric for crowd pleasing schlock but still, even nerds have standards. My standards aren’t very high at times mind as I still want to watch this sometime today.

But I still think even awkward teens have better standards. Then again one of my faviorite films at the time was Saving Silverman which while I can’t hate it due to nostalgia , having watched it from 5th grade well into my teens, I can see was not very good. Though it did have R. Lee Ermy being both really funny and turning out to be gay so that was awesome.

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And he does make a good point that heroes like Ratzzo Rizzo don’t go well on Taco Bell cups.. though it also feels weird to me in 2020 where while not big sellers films with deep stories and unlikeable heroes are some of the biggest on tv and one of them was one of the greatest animated series of the last decade, so things must’ve been pretty damn bleak in 1999. The two also run into Gus who wants dinner and a fight ensues between the couple about the fact Gus owns a restraunt, could just bring his lunch etc. It’s hilarious and as I said I like how they feel like a couple you’d meet in real life. Sadly I don’t have an elderly gay couple in my neighborhood but here’s hoping. Or maybe i’ll be the neighborhoods wally when I grow up who knows. Also Tom Kenny’s delivery is great.

Kevin later relays his fun day to his loftmates, with Andy expressing genuine suprise at Wally’s job and love of art house cinema, as none of them knew what he actually did. Andy’s genuinely shocked and mildly appalled they’ve lived near Wally for so long but having no idea what he does.. but really I had a sweet old lady, Delores who lived next to me for almost my entire life before she moved to be closer to her family, visited her house frequently pet her cats, went to her house after school at one point.. and I cannot tell you what he did, so it’s incredibly relatable. However in a scene that’s both hilarious but also really, really sweet, the three relate that they do know him well and due to being neighbors after all and know Gus and Wally’s morning routine: They wake up at 8, Wally brews the Coffee, Gus reads him the funnies, then they shower together while singing college fight songs, and then, with Jim saying this part so picture it in Brian Posehn’s voice please you won’t regret it, argue or have gay sex and then it’s off to work. It’s really sweet, both in showing off their well worn dynamic with each other, and the fact that the loftmates really DO know these two even if they dont’ know everything and they are close in their own way. Kevin can only give out a “Hm” in response... which is probably the closest he can get to saying touche without breaking into nerdy giggles.

Cue the good times montage as Wally introduces Kevin to Ingmar Bergman, who I have heard of even if i’ve never seen any of them, and some director I never heard of who made old timey comedies apparently. IT’s a really nice sequence. Kevin also shows 2001: A Space Oddesy to his friends, who are bored to tears by it while Kevin’s enraptured. Which I would say was another heavy-handed swipe at late 90′s cinema but being a teen myself who had mostly watched things like Star Wars, I did not gel with 2001 and need to rematch it at some point, so I totally relate to his friends utter boredom and confusion with it given it’s rep. It’s a visually stunning film. I will however stand by not liking Star Trek: The Motion Picture, as that film TRIES to be 2001 but is instead just really, REALLY boring.

But naturally things can be entirely good natured bonding between an elderly gay man and , as Wally puts it in the best line of the episode “The son god never wanted me to have”, as Kevin notices a film coming up that Wally apparently made, and looks to star gus. Wally panics and shoos his young protégé away... which yeah he could’ve just you know told him he doesn’t like the film or anything else and prevented this episode but then we wouldn’t of seen the gay equilvent of plan 9 from outer space so fair enough.

At the Gus’ Diner, the loftmates and their neighbors I mentioned earlier look over the poster, and we find out from Gus that that is him, and he starred in a movie.. and naturally Wally explained never showing it to his husband in the simplest way possible: By claming a shark ate it. You know while I watched the show I didn’t quite get it when I was younger and it’s probably why it took me decades to revisit it.. but I wish I had sooner this show is REALLY damn funny and i’m really looking forward to that spinoff with Wally and Gus.

Wally continues to dodge Kevin, so Kevin, trying to find info about the film and it being lost, goes to the video store.. back when those existed. Something I have to give the show is honestly the use of vhs, visits to video stores, and the movies Kevin mentions are the only things that really date this film. While swapping another Dustin Hoffman film in proved impossible, it is plausible Kevin would see it streaming somewhere. and it’s easy enough to swap Armageddon for Rise of Skywalker given that film’s just as good.. Last Jedi was excellent though. Point is this story REALLY holds up, which is the sign of a good story: where even if some elements are stamped to the time, the story itself could easily be told again with few changes. It’s also why i’m not AGAINST Reboots, as my coverage of ducktales makes obvious: As long as stories can still be told or you can retell a story in a unique and intresting way, it’s fine to reuse something. I do think hollywood overdoes it, but I’ve never thought there was genuine harm in it or reviving old franchises. It’s all in how you do it. But yeah while the local video store dosen’t help at all, Andy happens to know just the man for the job, though Jim and Posey nope out of going with them. Also something to note is the series animation: It’s animated like an old 30′s cartoon or a comic strip, modernized a bit in color and realisim, but still having comic strip stuff like shaking head lines, heat lines coming off coffee that sort of thing. I really love it.

Anyways the brothers head off to a funky out of the way video store, I wish there were more hole in the wall used media stores where I lived. We mostly have chains like Vintage Stock and Half-Priced Books, though I genuinely love both of those stores and VIntage Stock is the modern equilvent of places like blockbuster honestly. Anyway after Beardo confuses Kevin for an Employee kevin asks him about the man from pluto which Beardo reveals he knows about but is very rare and has few prints. I like Beardo.. he’s a neckbeard who seems more liable to complain abotu some reboot on the fact their rebooting it again rather than “gasp” women are involved. I prefer my neckbeards just a tad pretentious rather than you know, sexist, homophobic, deranged assholes with nothing better to do. I mean i’m still living at home and didn’t get out much before the pandemic either but you dont’ see me bitching every time a franchise gets a female lead.

Anyway, Kevin is inspired by that and with help from everyone gets the word out about the film. As you’d expect though this can’t end well, as Wally tries avoiding the premire entirely (And we get a great bit where Jim happens to see him trying to flee down the fire escape and Wally’s expression is priceless)

Huh.. I bet that’s what Rob Reiner when North had it’s premire. As you can probably guess the showing dosen’t go well: The film itself is a hilarious combination of the day the earth stood still (the general plot as we’ll find out more in a second) and Plan 9 From Outer Space (A cheestatic no budget film with a hulking man brute who can’t act as the lead), and in catching the feel of a b-movie it’s utterly perfectly done. This film would go perfect on MST3K and the audience’s howls of laughter agrees with me.

Wally however is utterly humiliated and doesn’t want to speak to Kevin which.. yeah is about the only issue I have with an otherwise marvelous episode. While I get Wally’s humiliation was Kevin’s fault.. Kevin GENUINELY meant well. While Kevin is book smart at his core he’s a dumb kid who didn’t know any better and didn’t realize Wally hated his film and it’s Wally’s own damn fault for not telling him. Sure Kevin should’ve picked up the hint, but given the kid is oblivious and didn’t even know what an x raiting is it’s clear he’s not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to life experince. Wally had every opportunity to just explain his story but didn’t. And I put most of the blame on Wally when he’s you know, the adult. He’s a 60 or so year old man. He should know better. But it really doesn’t take away from the episode entirely. But the loftmates clearly love the film and are quoting bits from it, with jim having a fishbowl on his head, when they run into Wally, though Wally is fine with them admitting it’s crap and he knows it is. We then get what REALLY makes the episode and really makes me primed for a spinoff: Wally and Gus’ backstory, which also makes it obvious the crew was probably going to use the two more had the series got another season.

Anyways it was the 50′s, Archie Andrews was an average teen and not shredded both in muscle and by a bear that one time, Fonzie was out and about and eyying, and Wally was a first unit director given a shot as the studio asked him for a script having utter faith in him. HIs script was a day the earth stood still esque parable on the Cold War.. until he met Gus who, naturally for Gus, was outrunning a ton of police having stumbled on set and likely defeated them all bare handed because Gus is as incredible as the hulk and likely also comes back through a glowing green door when he dies. So Wally made the tragic mistake of mixing his love life with his career, and lost both Kurt Douglas, who he bumped down from lead for Gus, and Charleton Hesston who just walked off and they got a dinkier stage and worse actors as a result. The resulting film ended Wally’s career but he was able to sell the rights to cinemas to make enough for them to start over in mission hill and buy the diner.. and at least they had each other. It’s a really great story that explains why it upsets Wally so much: This was his baby and while he dosen’t even for one second regret meeting gus or the life they’ve had, he regrets that his one film was a total trainwreck and goes off to the theater to mope as he plays his film for laughing crowds, as it was naturally held over. I mean when you get the next plan 9 from outer space, this was a bit before the room mind you, you hold onto that shit.

Kevin, who heard the whole thing, goes to mope by watching what is likely a MIcheal Bay film, who was a target even then folks. Oh you poor poor fools you knew not how much worse it could get... i.e. robot testicles. Just.. robot testicles. And their MAKING A DELUXE MOVIE DEVISTATOR. Why. Just.. why who wanted this after that scene. He’s sworn off good movies as he feels he no longer deserves them. Andy however bluntly tells him to cut the pity party, while he’s moping his friend really needs him and when you love somebody, you put your pants on for them. When you love somebody you see it to the end, when you love somebody the conclusions forgone when you love somebody you put your big boy pants right onnnnn! ... I’ll put the song at the end. Point is Kevin goes to help his friend, and as Wally is moping in the projection booth and wonders what he was thinking Kevin tells him the obvious truth: He was thinking of how far he’d go. “You taught me the best films are personal stories.. and this film is your valentine to Gus” While Wally starts to break a little, he does point out it doesn’t make it good.. but Kevin rightly counters that he’s not so sure of it. Wally sees the audience enjoying the film and goes down, with all of them carrying red light bulbs like the one gus has to show when he’s mad in the film. And Wally finally realizes waht I got to in the beginning: It doesn’t matter if a film’s good or bad, what matters is someone enjoys it. A film can be utterly terrible, and still be good. It can be a mess and still have merit. And Wally finally realizes it doesn’t matter if it’s the film he wanted, it’s the film he made for his future husband, it’s a film that brings laughter and sticks in people’s heads and really brings them a godo time. It’s a film worth remembering and Wally finally accepts that and his film as his own. Later that night Kevin and Wally exit the theater, with Wally no longer mad at him and the two still friends or as Wally puts it in the second best line of the episode “As close as an elderly gay man and a straight boy can be” Awwww. The two depart and we get a touching final scene as Wally comes home and finds a bottle of wine and a note from gus saying he has a suprise for him> Turns out Gus put on his old space helmet.. but fell asleep in it. So we get a really nice tender moment as Gus takes the helmet off, smooches his husband on his bald head and smiles brightly as the episode ends.

Final Thoughts on The Man From Pluto or I Married a Gay Man From Outer Space: Before you ask each episode had two titles for funzies, the first one to get past the censors and the second for fun and likely what they would’ve gone with if they could. As for this episode.. it’s spectacular. It holds up well even 20 years later, it’s touching, sweet and really damn funny and makes me want to rewatch the show as a whole again. I highly recommend seeking it out and hope mission hill is eventually made officially available somewhere. Till then you can find the whole series including this episode on YouTube and despite being the last one you could easily watch this one first if you want and it’s a decent enough intro to the show as a whole. I highly recommend it, an utter pleasure to watch. If you liked this review, you can comission your own by PMing me on this very blog, just mention you want to do a comission and we can talk it out. As this review proves, it dosen’t have to be a show i’ve done before or even one that’s remotely recent. Hell i’d gladly do Fonz and The Happy Days gang, the animated happy days spinoff that’s like dr. who but with the Fonz. Yes really. Whatever you want i’ll do it as long as it’s not porn for just 5 bucks an episode and 10 for a movie. YOu can also join my patreon, and for 2 dollars a month get acess to my discord (that i’ll start once I get patreons) and once I get enough patreons exclusive polls or 10 bucks for all of that and a review of your choice each month. You can find said patreon right here. And even 1 buck a month would be apricated if you can spare it and if not simply reblog this and share it around. You can also follow this blog for weekly ducktales, loud house and amphibia coverage as they come out. I’d also personally thank WeirdKev27 for both being a long time fan of this blog and for the comission.

Until we meet again say safe, wear a mask, check your atttic for Gary Busey and happy Halloween! Play us out Mr Heere!

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#mission hill #reviews #plan 9 from mission hill #commission #bill oakley #john weinstein #lbgtq #adult swim #kevin french #Gus Duncz #Wally Langford #andy french #jim kubach #posey tyler #brian posehn #scott menville

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mwolf0epsilon · 4 years ago

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Hey look I love your au and I was wondering if you could do Sammy x Susie or Sammy x Jack up to you and maybe see him get along with Wally and another guestion can you please make Sammy’s different personalities please thanks 😊

I'll be honest, this ask was the equivalent of mental whiplash and it made me blank out for half a day.

I'm assuming you were either requesting art or a written prompt, so I went with the latter due to currently being on a commissions only basis for art requests.

I took the liberty to assume this was for SillyTunes AU, where relationships are currently strained, so it's mostly just Sammy and Jack having a heart to heart about past-relationships and repressed feelings.

---

It's not that Sammy resented his father for giving him not the best of upbringings. He couldn't entirely hate the man who paid for his education and who told him to do good by himself if he ever wanted to be better than the city abercrombies that ran about thinking they were better than southern joes like them. He was grateful, even, that his father had tried to raise him clever instead of letting his mind rot like the other kids back in their home town (the ones that threw rocks at birds, blew up rats with smuggled fireworks, and who broke property to entertain themselves because their parents couldn't be bothered to teach them any better).

What he did resent was the ideals he'd rubbed off on him. The bigoted views, the generational shortcomings of the Lawrence men that had been passed down like tradition. Views that had gotten Sammy black eyes, split lips, and busted noses. Worse yet, he resented how confused they made him.

Samuel Lawrence Sr. had been the kind of man to sneer at people he thought unsavory. Called them by their skin color like they were disease riddled animals, things Sammy slipped up on even after promising to be better. But where his father simply glared and commented offhandedly what he thought of others who did not share his skin tone, nothing could compare to his hatred of homosexuals. If anything, Samuel Sr. took glee from spitting out the most soul crushing things he could muster to anyone who looked at the same sex "funny". He aimed to hurt the "freaks" that went against the Bible.

How ironic that his own son was a closeted bisexual.

"You know, if anything I thought you'd be focused on the whole 'holy shit I'm a talking sheep' thing, not your repressed feelings for Norman..."

Bless Jack Fain for being who he was. Sammy had gotten along well with the slightly older man from the moment they met. A rarity if you really knew Sammy. He wasn't a people person and often had to be encouraged by his little sister to play nice. But Jack? Jack just eases him into being more open, more honest. He was a safe person to be vulnerable around, and one he could entrust with his little secret.

Mostly because Jack had his own secret: The fact that he was a gay man married to his best friend, a lesbian who'd orchestrated quite the grifter act so that both of them could be married and happy. Sammy had never personally met the woman, but he was grateful she'd managed to make it safe for his friend to be able to be spiritually married with the man of his dreams.

"That's not even the issue right now and you know it..." He sighed, covering his face (muzzle) with his gloved hands as he lay in the hammock he'd claimed for himself. The furthest one in the corner of the 'communal room'.

"Well, there's also the awkwardness with Susie..." Jack carefully tuned his fiddle as he talked, not once needing to look at Sammy to read him like an open book. "Between one and the other, you're pretty strung up on this whole mess."

"Jack, Susie and I ended on really bad terms, and falling back into friendly banter and hugs is physically painful when we both remember what happened." He looked at the shorter and rounder cartoon sheep. Jack was looking at him now, frowning slightly.

"And Norman?" The other asked calmly.

"Hates me because I apparently killed him while I was all whacky from drinking Satan's blood in inky form." Sammy stated dryly. "Cultist shit aside, Norman's married and has kids... Or uh, was married. None of us know who's out there waiting for us..."

"Norman's married life is none of my business but I'm pretty sure he was on the same boat as you. I've seen him eat up both broads and blokes with his good eye like you eye up a chocolate cake..." Jack pointed out, raising his gloved hand when Sammy went to cut him off. "I'm not saying he'd cheat on his wife, I'm just saying the man isn't as straight as you think... Now on the subject of you killing him... Err... Yeah that's rough, but not your fault."

"Because I can walk over to him now and say 'hey sorry for ripping out your heart with an axe, I wasn't myself'?" Sammy huffed and curled up into a tight wooly ball. This was hopeless. Between pining over Susie and Norman, and feeling guilty over all the shit Joey Drew and his damn magical Ink had put them through?

He felt like a fuck-up. A very confused fuck up that couldn't even figure out who he wanted in his life. And, to make it worse, in came someone he really didn't want to talk with...

"Hey guys, whatcha up to?" 'Wally' walked in with a wolfish smile and a chipper tone in his voice.

"Hey Wally." Jack greeted him back, while Sammy ignored the imposter. He didn't trust this guy as far as he could throw him, and it still annoyed him that the others ignored his very valid concerns. He was miserable enough as is. "Just resting... Sammy wasn't feeling well."

"It's all them inkwells he's been draining. It don't hurt us no more but it can't be good for ya to booze it up like that." The cartoon wolf chuckled as he went to his own hammock to retrieve something. "My ma used to say visiting the gin mill when you was down was only gonna put ya in an evil mood."

"You don't have a ma..." Sammy grumbled under his breath, getting a sharp look from the wolf.

"What was that?"

"Baa. I said baa. Laugh it up twit..." He lied as he gave up on getting comfortable. Might as well get up and move on with his life. Do something productive while he was in a funk.

"Don't pay him mind Wally, you know Sammy's not the nicest when he's joed and yearning." Jack laughed, getting an annoyed glare from the taller cartoon sheep.

"Jack!"

"Yearning for what exactly?" 'Wally' blinked in confusion. "Another drink? A slice of that delicious all the way from the cafe? Uh... Miss Campbell?"

Sammy took off his bell and chucked it at the wolf. It bounced off his snout harmlessly before it vanished and reappeared around the music director's neck. Damned thing! The wolf grinned.

"Awww you're still dizzy with the dame! That's real cute Sammy!"

"I'm not having this discussion with you!"

"Half a discussion you mean." Jack snorted.

"Silence Judas!" Sammy stamped his foot (hoof) and snorted loudly, electing to ignore the visible cloudy puffs that exited his nostrils. Toon logic was mind-boggling and the particle effects a bit annoying with how much they made it easy to read his moods.

"If it's about how screwy things got, why don't ya sit down and talk about it? Miss Campbell is a sweet dame, she'll listen." Wally suggested. "Think she might need t'talk it out anyways... She's pretty down about it too ya know."

This caught Sammy by surprise.

"What do you mean?" He couldn't help ask out of curiosity.

"Heard her venting to Norman. Was none of my business but hard not to eavesdrop when them walls ain't up to code or whatever Thomas goes on about with regulations and stuff..." The wolf shrugged. "Anywhos, she felt bad that she blew up on you when Joey gave her the slip. She didn't know Drew literally only told you and left ya to tell her she was fired..."

"I... How does she know that...?"

"Norman. Turns out Joey used to ramble to himself in his office when he thought he was on his lonesome... He was gonna try warn ya both that Joey was being shifty, but by then t'was too late and the damage was done. He felt awful that he wasn't too fast, but then again he wasn't really s'pose to know that anyway. I wonder if Joey would'a known he was watching him if ya both didn't blow up at each other like ya did over the whole replacement thing..."

Norman had told Susie that Joey had screwed things up between them on purpose? The guy had avoided him since going through Thomas and Henry's version of the machine! Why would he go though the hassle?

"See? That counts for something Sam." Jack smiled. "If he hated you he wouldn't be defending your honor."

"Norman Polk, hating on Sammy Lawrence? You guys crack me up! Guy don't have no mean bone in his body... He's all bark and little to no bite unless you deserve a beating!" Wally laughed.

"None of us have bones anymore idiot... But..." Sammy sighed. "Thanks... For the advice. And the information."

"..." The wolf sat down. "Well I'll be. I must be dead, cuzz there ain't no way Sammy just thanked little old me."

The bell was thrown once more and Sammy stamped off as the fake Wally cackled. Jack merely shook his head and muttered something along the lines of young love.

"You're only five years older than me!"

"That's five years worth more experience than you Sam!"

"Fuck off Jack!"

#Eps Writes:#bendy and the ink machine #batim #sammy lawrence #jack fain #wally franks #SillyTunes AU

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judedeluca · 5 years ago

Text

Last Friday I Tried To Kill Myself: My Rant On Why Heroes In Crisis Is Destructive Garbage And Why Stories Like This Need To Stop Being Made

TW: Suicide, rape, abuse

I’ve made it no secret I’ve been in therapy since 2012, and I’ve especially been vocal about my dislike for DC Comics’ latest event book, “Heroes in Crisis,” which just released its last issue on May 29th 2019.

I tried to write something the other night but I didn’t like how it sounded so I deleted it. After my session with my therapist earlier in the day, she convinced me to simply write down what I feel regardless. And so I did. I typed and typed. This is pretty long under the cut. I don’t know if I got carried away. I think I did.

I need to be clear I did NOT just try to commit suicide because of how much I hated a comic book. I’d like to believe even I’m not that pathetic. I tried to kill myself because of a number of reasons which sort of snowballed together this previous Friday.

Look this is angry and long and it sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to write and get my feelings out and I’m sorry okay? I’m, just, I’m sorry. For being pathetic and a disappointment to my friends and letting this bother me so much.

But I’m talking about “Heroes in Crisis” because this book has been negatively affecting me since it began publication, and the state that it left me in this past week only served to exacerbate the negative thoughts I had to endure, and I briefly reached a point where I had a knife to my wrist.

I’ve been attending therapy for the past seven years in order to address trauma and abuse I suffered through in my adolescence. In grade school I was bullied, and from 6th to 12th grade I was sexually abused on two separate occasions in two separate schools from four different people. In middle school I was assaulted by three boys who weren’t much older than me on the bus ride home, where they grabbed my head and shoved my face into their crotches as all the other kids laughed. In high school a classmate molested me twice during art class, and spent the rest of that time trying to make me apologize after I smacked him in self defense.

In 2009 my family dissolved when my parents unhappily split apart, which placed me as the unwilling recipient of my father’s, mother’s, and sibling’s emotional baggage while my own problems were ignored. During the loss of my support system I juggled two jobs along with graduating from college, I came out of the closet and have been struggling to figure out both my sexual and gender identities, I made my first suicide attempt in 2013, and my best friend died in 2016 along with four other people I cared about or who saw me as a friend.

Seeking therapy was something I had to do on my own. I tried counseling sessions with the people at my college but despite their best efforts it didn’t do much to help. I never received counseling in middle school for my sexual assault and my parents weren’t of much help either despite it was clear I developed some significant behavior problems. In 10th Grade I did spend some time with a guidance counselor because they feared I was suicidal due to my depression around my bad grades in Chemistry, but again this didn’t really help.

God I realize how analytical and detached this is sounding and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just listing everything. Ugh.

Aside from my suicidal thoughts I suffer from depression and PTSD. I think I’m a genuinely bad person and I’ve often thought I brought the abuse I suffered as a kid onto myself because I was a weird boy. I’ve wondered if I have a right to feel ashamed of what happened to me because it wasn’t as bad as what other people have gone through. I frequently think of myself as a shameless, greedy, manipulative person who doesn’t deserve to be happy because I use people. I’ve truly said some awful things to people and I know I’ve been blocked by a couple of people online and not without good cause. You need to understand that. My own sibling once said I was a wicked, blackhearted person.

I have trouble not assuming the worst of my parents and sibling because of how often I would find myself stuck in the middle of their arguing, which got me labeled a martyr whenever I tried to play peacemaker which I only wanted because I hate seeing them unhappy. I assume the worst about situations and I’ve spent countless nights lying awake thinking over and over again about past mistakes and how much I wish I was dead, or that I had died instead of one of my friends because they made the world a better place and I don’t. It’s easy for me to believe the world would be a better place if I died.

Often my problems had been ignored by the people I turned to for help. Ignored, looked down upon, or just belittled. It became hard for me to talk to people because it felt like no one really cared about what I was going through or that I wanted help. Or they misunderstood and their attempts to help failed because they didn’t really know what was wrong.

Despite all this I want to believe therapy has helped me deal with problems better than I had before, and helped me to take pride in what I have accomplished. I graduated cum laude with no student debt, I’ve held onto at least one job for over a decade, and I’m currently writing for three websites that have let me change my perspective on things and given me space to grow as a writer. I believe I’m better able to recognize boundaries and to let my feelings be known, and to know when not to engage in stressful situations. I’ve been trying, TRYING, not to let me depression and negative thoughts affect me too badly.

It’s not easy, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

So, where does “Heroes in Crisis” fit into this.

Well.

Through middle and high school, comics were pretty much the only thing that managed to keep me going without having a complete breakdown. Well I did have other interests and I still do. I could never survive on comic books alone.

I didn’t really have any friends I could rely on or talk to about my problems, not in real life or online. I got lucky in high school since there was a comic store one block away, which meant I was now able to regularly buy comics instead of the odd issue here or there. It was after I graduated high school I finally began to make some friends through online message boards and by meeting people at comic conventions. So comics didn’t just keep me going, they helped me find the people who HAVE been able to help me and see me as an individual worth knowing. My very first best friend in the whole world (NOT the one who died) is a professional comic artist I met through DeviantArt. “Stuck Rubber Baby” helped me realize and be honest about the fact I’m queer, and it was through commissioning comic artists I’ve felt more comfortable about exploring my sexuality.

As cheesy as it sounds the presence of comics in my life has indeed helped me a great deal, and I want to professionally write comics someday as a way to repay some of that back and try to make the world a better place.

I’ve always bought a little bit of everything but I’m mainly focused on DC Comics. My favorite teams are the Titans, the Legion of Super-Heroes, the Doom Patrol, and the Justice Society. Ask me my favorite Flash, I’ll pick Jay Garrick or Wally West. My favorite Green Lantern, I’d pick Alan Scott and Kyle Rayner.

Suffice it to say I really haven’t been happy with most of what DC’s published in the past ten years. I’ve been especially vocal about my dislike for books such as “Rise of Arsenal,” “Titans” by Eric Wallace, and pretty much everything Scott Lobdell’s worked on. Like a lot of people, I thought “DC Rebirth” back in 2016 was a step in the right direction, that they were finally cleaning the mess they made with the New 52 initiative.

“Heroes in Crisis” proved me and a lot of other people wrong.

But as a person struggling with depression and PTSD, this book offended me on a whole different level compared to anything those other books have done.

So you’ve got a place, Sanctuary, where heroes and villains can receive counseling for their respective problems and possibly get help. That sounds like a great idea. And then the first issue opens with the reveal every patient has been gruesomely murdered save for two who believe the other is guilty. And it gets worse from there.

FIRST: It turns out Sanctuary has no actual doctors or therapists. It relies instead on a computer programmed with the supposed best traits of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

SECOND: The patients are put in virtual reality chambers where they relive their respective traumas over and over again as a way to confront them.

THIRD: There doesn’t seem to be any real security except for a couple of robots, and anyone can just walk in. Which means Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman haven’t been monitoring the place until AFTER the massacre.

What followed was than eight issues of a supposed mystery that wasn’t a mystery at all. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman do almost nothing to figure who was responsible for this, while Lois Lane is given files of all the Sanctuary interviews which she PUBLISHES, leaking hundreds of secrets that were meant to be private even if she obscures the real names. The investigation falls to Booster Gold and Harley Quinn, who both believe the other is the killer.

It eventually turns out the killer was Wally West, who accidentally unleashed a burst of energy that killed those around him and in a fit of extreme suicidal despair violated the corpses to look like a mystery so he would have enough time to release the Sanctuary files and then kill himself believing it was the only way to make things right. He doesn’t die but turns himself in at the end.

I-I don’t have the energy to give a complete rundown, I really don’t. Suffice to say the book has problems. Racist problems, homophobic problems, and ableist problems. The series IS a problem.

Since the first issue was released I hated, I HATED, this comic with every fiber of my being. I hated the stilted writing and I hated the gross, overly sexualized artwork. I hated it was another event series built around cheap shock value deaths meant to drive up sales and garner controversy to make more sales. And I especially hated the premise, that this Sanctuary was supposed to be a place of healing but was anything BUT. The DC Trinity make no attempt to get real doctors to help them provide help for their comrades and friends, delegating everything to a computer that’s supposed to have their best qualities and assuming THAT is a decent substitute for qualified psychiatrists and therapists.

The very IDEA that Superman and Wonder Woman could be so arrogant and conceited to believe they could substitute for licensed medical professionals is appaling. Even Batman on his worst days would never be so inconsiderate.

And then there are the VR chambers, where the heroes relive their traumas over and over and over again until they can get over them. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. To experience such pain over and over again. The comic even demonstrated through characters Lagoon Boy and Wally West that going through their trauma again and again clearly wasn’t helping. Lagoon Boy relieved the Titans East massacre HUNDREDS of times. And this seems to be the only real option Sanctuary allows besides the confessionals.

This, this NEGLECT. Sanctuary isn’t a place for healing, it’s a dumping ground! These people are secluded and essentially kept in solitary confinement where they have almost no one but a computer to talk to. A computer that does absolutely nothing to help them.

I spoke to my own doctor about this and she agreed with me none of this was healthy and that the book itself was extremely damaging and poorly thought out.

And I have spoken to her about this a LOT over the last nine months, because with each issue that came out I felt myself getting more and more worn down. I would dread the last Wednesday of the month knowing the next issue would arrive. And let me tell you this wasn’t the only thing I was talking about in my sessions, but it figured a lot into my past discussions and my therapist respected that. I’m glad I have her in my life, she’s a consummate professional.

I’m not talking about simple fan boy hate. This comic DRAINED me and struck more than a number of nerves. The apathy and insensitivity that went into crafting this book reminded me far too much of what I’ve gone through in life and not for the better.

For starters, the way Tom King portrays the problems the characters go through is nothing but a joke. We’re treated to multiple confessional sequences where different characters talk about their issues in a nine-panel grid layout featuring some of the most stilted dialog I’ve ever read. King shows absolutely no research or care in the characters he talks about, ignoring their backstories to make up nonsense and present it as deep when in reality he’s gutted them from the inside out.

The one that bothered me most was Roy Harper from the first issue, in a confessional sequence one page AFTER his corpse is found.

Tom King took nine issues to completely destroy and misunderstand Wally West’s character, even though he only needed one page for Roy Harper.

Of course Scott Lobdell spent eight years destroying the character, so King didn’t need to do much.

Roy and his daughter Lian have been two of my favorite DC characters for years. I’ve been able to relate to Roy’s issues a lot over the years. Not his past drug addiction, but his struggles with depression and abandonment issues and his fight to try and be a better person despite everything he’s gone through. He was raised in a Native American community and probably has a better understand of racism than most white people could dream of. He’s a devoted father who tries to be the best dad he can be for his daughter. But most importantly, he knows he can screw up and he knows he’s not perfect. He just wants to be good. He’s a complex and multifaceted person who is more than his trauma, and I’ve long admired that. I’ve wished I could stop beating myself up over my past mistakes and just focus on doing good instead of hating myself for not being perfect. As someone who never really had much support from my parents growing up and that feeling of being totally alone despite being surrounded by people, I empathized with the neglect he suffered form Green Arrow and the way he was essentially abandoned in “Rise of Arsenal” when he needed help the most.

But is any of that discussed in “Heroes in Crisis?”

No.

Roy’s abandonment and depression are ignored so Tom King can churn out some nonsense about abusing prescription meds given to him by doctors for his superhero injuries before he switched to heroin because it was cheaper and safer. Not because of his depression. He only started taking the meds because of his injuries and he got addicted, which I’ve seen a number of fans who suffer from chronic pain complain that this is ableist for presenting them as drug addicts.

God I hope I’m remembering that right, I’m sorry guys.

“So you go to a needle. To save your kidneys. And some money. But really, isn’t that what superheroes do? Save things?”

Objectively one of the worst things I have ever read in ANYTHING.

But it doesn’t stop there. Pretty much every character given a confessional more or less has the problems they truly did survive ignored for nonsense that never occurred or is completely out of character to the point it feels like these are SUPPOSED to be jokes. Firestorm talks about his head being on fire. Green Lantern Hal Jordan doesn’t know what “Will” is. Raven says her father, an inter dimensional monster who has tried to turn her evil over and over again and whom she hates, loves her. Minor character the Protector is revealed to be addicted to multiple drugs and was only an anti-drug crusader because he thought it was funny. That was just CRUEL.

I... I have spent so long being ashamed of a lot of the abuse I went through and it is still hard for me to talk about. Do you have any idea how disgusted I am with myself whenever I try to tell someone about what happened to me in high school? When I have to figure out a way to say that “He tried to stick his finger in my ass” and not think about how the people reading or hearing this must be laughing at me it’s so pathetic? Or when I think about the crying fit after my first day of high school begging my mom to take me out of this school and she tells me to suck it up?

And so this bothers me, because I frequently fear that my problems are just a joke. And I see the characters whom I resonate with have their problems degraded and treated as poorly thought out jokes.

Why were some of these characters even here in the first place? To deal with their problems? Even though some of them WERE ALREADY TRYING TO GET HELP. Roy in particular had his Titans teammate Lilith Clay as his substance abuse counselor, but none of that is mentioned in the lead-up to “Heroes in Crisis.” The help that Roy was already getting was ignored. His efforts at self improvement were ignored by those around him.

But it’s not as bad as the reason Wally West was in Sanctuary. In “Flash War” Wally regains memories of his twin children Jai and Iris and is told they’re not in the Speed Force but SOMEWHERE. And Wally tries to find them and can’t. So instead of Barry Allen getting the Justice League to help with the search, knowing the disappearance of these children are one example of how the universe has been damaged, Barry and Iris West allow Wally to be taken to Sanctuary to essentially get him to shut up about his missing kids. He is abandoned by the people he viewed as parents. And this is what leads to Wally’s breakdown. Despite knowing his children are out there somewhere, “Heroes in Crisis” tries to demonize Wally for wanting his family back and it’s used to make him into a suicidal mass murderer. Wally’s problems make him into a villain. He’s driven mad with grief when he hacks the Sanctuary computer thinking no one has gone through what he has, and is broken when he experiences all that trauma at once. All this because he wanted something that was perfectly rational for him to want.

Wally’s trauma is used to dehumanize him.

The dehumanization doesn’t stop there, especially in the case of Poison Ivy who is turned into a plot device for Harley Quinn’s sake.

Never forget this was a thing that Clay Mann drew and DC would’ve used before it got leaked.

This was supposed to be the cover for the seventh issue, Ivy’s bloody corpse done like a pin-up.

After being treated as Harley’s motivation for most of the series, Ivy’s revived but in such a way she’s lost most of her humanity. She gets turned into a rip off of Swamp Thing and her body is more plant than human, no longer having nipples or a vagina. She’s been murdered and brought back in a way that will let DC sexualize her as much as they want now that she’s not human anymore. But this is supposed to be treated as GOOD because she’s supposedly more powerful now and she’s alive. Like that doesn’t change the shameful way she was killed, and how she came to Sanctuary hoping to get help for the awful things that haunt her and it got her killed.

Ivy’s long been a very complex character herself and many people have looked at her as a strong, interesting, intelligent queer woman who ultimately only wants to save the Earth and be with the woman she loves. But she’s frequently the villain in her stories and often told she doesn’t understand what real love is. Instead of being recognized for the complex character and inspiration she is, Ivy also has her trauma used against her as an excuse for to be sent to die and LITERALLY be dehumanized. So what does that say to the women who resonate with her? The queer readers? What does that say?

The leaking of the Sanctuary files is also supposed to be seen as good. Wally claims he did it because he thought if people saw someone like him could make a mistake, they’d get help before he did something bad like him. That if they saw their heroes had problems, they’d get help too.

IT’S TRYING TO VALIDATE THIS VIOLATION OF PRIVACY AND HOW ALL THESE PROBLEMS ARE TURNED INTO A MEDIA SIDESHOW THANKS TO LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN.

And Wally turns himself in he’s left to rot in jail, more alone than ever. Where’s the supposed help now?

But Booster Gold gets to hang with Blue Beetle and Harley’s with Ivy and it’s supposed to be about hope by showing no matter what mistakes you make it’s not too late and blah blah whatever that last issue was. It tries to pretend all this suffering and misery was worth it because now Wally really can represent hope by being an example!

Bros before heroes!

These people went to get help or were sent to get help, and instead they were ignored. They were killed. Their problems turned into jokes. They had their problems used against them after they died when all they wanted was to be better.

WANTING TO GET BETTER IS NOT A REASON WHY ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT LIKE THIS.

One of the worst thing out of all this is knowing NONE OF THE CHARACTERS USUALLY ACT LIKE THIS. The reason why Wally accidentally killed everyone is because King makes up a retcon involving the Speed Force that was never, EVER mentioned in any Flash comic before. He makes up things on the fly to justify why any of the characters are there at all. Someone once said how, and I’m paraphrasing, “A story should be made to fit the characters, the characters shouldn’t be made to fit the story.” It’s been clear to a lot of people this book was blatant character assassination and Dan Didio’s latest attempt to finally get rid of Wally West because he hates him and all the other legacy characters so much. A story about PTSD that could’ve been meaningful and helped people got hijacked to destroy a character. To use their trauma as a tool to make them do something horrible. To exploit trauma for shock value and dehumanize not just the characters but the people who read these books and identified with the struggles and I

HATE IT!!!!!!!

It hurts because so many people care about these characters, and Didio would use a story that could’ve been uplifting to carry out his petty hatred.

This has been it, month after month for me. I’d get mad, and I would try to take my mind off it. I’d write fan fiction and commission artwork making fun of “Heroes in Crisis,” I’d try to vent on the internet and explain why I hate this comic. I’d connect with friends and other fans who’re equally unhappy, and I’d just feel myself getting worse and worse. I’ve had trouble sleeping thinking about this comic, stress dreams and laying awake at night before I’d start to think about how I’m a bad person too and wishing over and over again to die and end everything. To stop being a blight on the world and give it to someone who deserves to live. More importantly, that crushing sense of not being able to do anything to make this better. This powerlessness to try and change things for the better. Wishing I could do something to make it better and thinking about all the other ways I’ve failed in life. The loved ones and friends who died and I couldn’t help them. The unhappiness in my family. The state of the world. And then I’d think about how much I hate myself even more because there are more important things to worry about in the world, like what that rapist monster in the White House is doing to this country and to anyone who’s not a straight white man.

The week the final issue came out I knew right off it was going to be a train wreck and I was right. A disappointing ending to a disappointing story. More feelings of anxiety and self loathing and a feeling that my problems are nothing but a joke to mocked and exploited.

While all this was going on I had other things to worry about. In March my grandfather was hospitalized with a number of health problems due to a urinary tract infection. He spent a week gradually becoming confused and losing energy before he was taken to the emergency room when he said he was having trouble breathing. It turned out he also had a cyst, a clot, and bleeding in his brain. As me, my mom and sibling worried about his health we also had to worry about our house because my grandfather pays most of the rent and if his pension had to go towards a nursing home, we would have to move. So while worrying about my 92 year old grandfather’s health I also had to worry about possibly losing my house. And while he was recovering at the rehab hospital he had to go back to the ER again on Easter when we were told he fell during the night. He’s in another nursing home and he’s doing better thankfully, but he’s also the last grandparent I have and I’m not ready to lose him when he’s held onto his mind for so long.

So what exactly happened when the ninth issue came out that pushed me?

This past Thursday while I was at work, I get a call from my mother saying she thinks someone might be in our house because she went downstairs into my grandpa’s apartment and all the doors were open. I don’t know why she didn’t call the police or what she thought I could do since I wasn’t even in the Bronx. *Sigh* I tried to get my dad to come pick me up sooner so I could check out what was wrong and I was trying not to panic even when my mom texts me saying she’s okay but she locked her bedroom door and she’s got a blunt object. Then she says maybe it was nothing after all...

And then I get home and I see the garage door is wide open and it’s a disaster, as if someone trashed the place. I can’t get my dad out of the car and he just says “Call the police” as if he doesn’t care. I run into the house and begin checking the rooms in my grandpa’s apartment before grabbing a kitchen knife and going back to the garage. I then tell my mom what’s happened to the garage and it’s like I’m invisible. I can’t even get her outside to look and she’s more concerned about getting her dinner from around the corner. She tells me “It’s not like no one’s gotten in the garage before.”

AFTER SHE GETS ME WORKED UP THINKING SOMEONE WAS IN OUR HOUSE. AND I COME HOME AND THEY MIGHT’VE TRASHED THE GARAGE.

I literally can’t understand what was going through her head when she gave me this runaround. And I call her on it the next day, telling her how scared she got me and how it felt when she acted like I was making a big deal of nothing. I was frightened she could’ve been alone in the house with an intruder, because obviously she felt the same way if she wanted to lock herself in her bedroom. She STILL acted like it was no big deal and it’s like 2010 all over again and I’m being expected to drop everything to help her and she won’t give me any courtesy or empathy.

And then not even an hour later that Friday I get an email from my boss about a secret shopper thing and I rush to get my phone seeing he’s tried to call me. And he’s saying he’s mad at me because of something I did on Tuesday that might get our distribution license suspended or taken away completely. I’m thinking this is because of me. Because I screwed up. And I’ve had this job since I graduated high school and I might’ve ruined it completely.

And that mixed with how it’s like my mother has played fucking mindgames with me and all the other feelings and the general anger and hopelessness and thinking over and over it’s not going to get better I picked up that knife again and held it to my wrist while my boss was still on the phone.

I had it pressed against my skin and wanted to dig it in deeper.

I kept thinking “I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T DO THIS” seeing everything all at once, over and over again and...

I-I don’t know. Maybe just a part of me that said not to do it or something. Maybe because despite all my talk of wanted to die I don’t.

I don’t want to die.

So I put the knife down before I cut myself.

I went to work at my second job and I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist, and I tried to write.

So it’s Monday morning and I’m typing this and wondering now, if anyone actually reads this what kind of shit will I expect if people actually bother to read it.

I’m a loser who needs to get a life

I read the story wrong

I didn’t understand the story

I need to get laid

I’m just mad my favorite character died

I hate it because Tom King’s a good writer

I’m a contrarian who hates it because it’s popular

I don’t know what I’m talking about

I’m a whiny f****t

I’m conceited enough to think Tom King may ever actually read this and have him say “I’m sorry you reacted this way”

This isn’t the story King wanted to tell and he had good intentions

OH SCREW YOUR FUCKING “GOOD INTENTIONS”

My teachers had “Good intentions”

My parents had “Good intentions”

AND I AM STILL FUCKING PAYING FOR IT

I am so sick of hearing about “Good intentions.” Just because a person had good intentions doesn’t absolve them of messing up! King apparently handed in a basic outline and let editorial pick the characters. If King had good intentions, he would’ve bothered to do research on the characters instead of turning them into jokes. If he had good intentions he would’ve done a better job of showing how therapy actually CAN help people. He wouldn’t have given us a story all about death and suffering and say it’s about hope. If he had good intentions he wouldn’t have let Didio use this to get rid of Wally West.

You want to talk about people with ACTUAL good intentions? How about we talk about the people out there who’ve written about abuse and trauma and suicidal thoughts and how to address those things in ways that MATTER. In ways that don’t alienate people and can grant a better understanding of ways to act.

In ways that say “I see you. I understand you and know what you’ve gone through. You’re stronger than you think.”

Let’s talk about Jeremy Whitley writing “The Unstoppable Wasp” where Nadia Pym has a manic episode and attacks her friends, and has to be talked down from killing herself by her friend Priya because her own brother committed suicide.

Let’s talk about how Priya describes the world Nadia would create if she killed herself and convinces her she deserves to live because she makes everyone happy and she is a good person no matter what she is thinking right now.

Let’s talk about Magdalene Visaggio’s “Eternity Girl” where Caroline Sharp is a suicidal immortal superhero who wants to destroy reality because she thinks it’s the only way she can die, and her girlfriend Dani convinces her that she can build a new world for herself instead of destroying this one because Caroline’s stronger than her misery and has the power to choose what she wants.

Let’s talk about Chris Claremont’s disgust at how Carol Danvers had been brainwashed and raped and sent off to live with her rapist while her friends did nothing to help her and thought this was a HAPPY ENDING

Let’s talk about how he had Carol dress down the Avengers for the shameless way they treated her and abandoned her when she needed them

Let’s talk about Jim Salicrup and Louise Simonson working on the “Spider-Man and Power Pack” special which showed the right ways to address child abuse.

How Salicrup was able to make Spider-Man into a sexual abuse survivor without it being a joke and how his story helped a little boy tell his parents what happened to him. And how this helped Spider-Man accept what happened to him was not his fault.

How Simonson wrote about the Power Pack supporting a friend being sexually abused by her father and how they convince her she did nothing to deserve this.

Let’s talk about Rachel Pollack’s Doom Patrol run which showed that trauma is not the end of someone’s existence and that people can be happy despite what’s happened to them

Let’s talk about George and Marion who despite the trauma of having lost their bodies and being used as slaves they still choose to smile and enjoy life and love each other

Let’s talk about Kate Godwin, a transgender woman who changed her body to match the person she was inside despite what people said about her and treated her, and found a community that supported her and loved her and is a strong, good woman with the power and the empathy to help others

A woman who was outraged when a person tried to make her believe she’d been gang raped and needed trauma to make her life more meaningful.

SO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM AND TELL ME ABOUT KING’S “GOOD INTENTIONS”

NO ONE NEEDS TRAUMA IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE IT MEANINGFUL. FINDING HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’VE SURVIVED SOMETHING HORRIBLE DOESN’T MAKE THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUSTIFIED.

You can’t look at stories like “Heroes in Crisis” and say “Oh it’s okay because in the end it was worth it because it taught us something” and NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. HAVING YOUR PROBLEMS LAUGHED AT AND MOCKED AND DEGRADED AND TRIVIALIZED IS NEVER OKAY. NOT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. NOT TOTAL STRANGERS. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

So yeah, maybe I am fucking pathetic for ranting about this and I should get a life and talk about more important things but I don’t fucking care! I’m angry about this and I’m gonna be angry for a long time! I’m angry about this story and I’m angry about how it affected me and the people I care about and people I don’t know and I will always be angry with myself that I tried to kill myself because of how this book made me feel and affected what I was going through.

Because stories are important to our lives. They can help us get through every day and they can make our problems not seem so bad. They can give us the strength to look at the bad parts of our life and think maybe they can change. That WE can change. We read about these people and we connect with them. We see things in them we wish to be like or things that are already in us and it can make us feel like we aren’t alone.

And even when stories aren’t enough they can help us find the people who can tell us these things. To help us find people who would care about us, and to care about them so maybe WE can help them. They’re a gateway.

So no, it’s not just a fucking comic book. And no, I don’t care what the intentions were. And I don’t care how pathetic this all sounds.

This, this was a bad story. This was a harmful story. And people deserve better. We don’t deserve to keep living in an age where stories like this, that can make us feel like we’re nothing, keep happening. We deserve stories that show us our lives are not defined by our trauma, we are NOT jokes, we are strong, and we deserve to live. That is not what “Heroes in Crisis” was and you will never convince me otherwise.

I had problems long before this story came out. I do not blame it for things that happened to me before. I do not blame it for my assault and abuse. I blame it for making me feel more like I don’t deserve to live and that what I’ve gone through doesn’t matter. I blame it for making me feel like my hard work and attempts to make my life better are meaningless.

This is not okay.

You wanna fucking blast me for this, go right ahead.

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queenofcats17 · 5 years ago

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The Ink Demonth 19

Today is Sick and since I’ve done a lot of angst, I’m gonna do something cute

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A bad case of the flu had been sweeping through the studio, which meant a lot of the studio members were out of commission. Sammy, Grant, Shawn, and Allison were all out sick, and Susie was gone to take care of Sammy. And to keep him from coming to work. Apparently, he didn’t trust the band members. This also meant that a few of the more hardcore workaholics were trying to come back to the studio while sick. Those few hardcore workaholics were solely Henry and Bertram. Especially Henry. The healthy studio members were conferring about how to best get them to go home.

“It’s not good for them to be here,” Joey said, his fingers steepled in front of him. “They’re just making their sickness worse. Not to mention they could make other people sick.”

“But how’re we gonna get them out?” Wally asked. “They’re gonna put up a fight, right?”

“Piedmont’ll be hard to get out.” Tom drummed his fingers on the table. “Getting him out physically is out of the question. He’s a big guy.”

“I’m just gonna pick him up and carry him out,” Lacie said. Everyone gathered around the break room table turned to look at her. She was leaning nonchalantly against the wall.

“Well, if anyone could do it, it’d be you.” Norman stifled a snicker behind his hand. Lacie just rolled her eyes. Norman or Tom could probably have done it too, but Lacie was the only one Bertram would tolerate literally picking him up.

“That just leaves Henry.” Joey frowned. “He might be a bit difficult. Normally I’d call Linda, but she’s out of town at a teacher’s conference.”

“There are cots in the infirmary. We could make him sleep there until we can get him home.” Jack suggested. Joey turned slowly to look at Jack. For a moment, Jack was worried he’d said the wrong thing. Then he noticed the way Joey’s eyes were sparkling.

“Jack, you are a genius.” He whispered, grabbing Jack by the shoulders. “We just need to lure him down there!”

This task fell to Wally because no one else wanted to do it. And Wally was already immune to the flu.

“Uh? Mr. Stein? You okay?” Wally asked, tentatively approaching Henry. The animator was slumped over his desk, going through the motions of drawing Bendy on a blank piece of paper. The cap was still on his pen.

“Mr. Stein?” Wally gently tapped his shoulder.

“‘M fine,” Henry mumbled, then sniffled loudly.

“The cap’s still on your pen.”

“Issit?” Henry sat up, gazing blearily at his pen. “Aw, man. Shoulda seen that.” Wally stifled a snicker.

“So, uh, Mr. Drew wanted to see you in the infirmary.” He said. He kept breaking off to snicker as he watched his boss turn clumsily around. He shouldn’t laugh. Henry was very sick. It was just so funny, though. Henry was pretty hilarious when he was extremely tired, drunk, or sick.

“In the infirmary?” Henry squinted at him, swaying side to side. “Why there?”

“He rolled his ankle.”

By all accounts, Henry should not have believed Wally. The janitor kept pausing to snicker, wouldn’t make eye contact. It was obvious that he was up to something. But Henry got up, starting toward the infirmary. Wally was momentarily stunned that his ruse had worked before quickly shaking it off and following his loopy boss.

“Joey!” Henry yelled as he stumbled down the stairs. “Whaddaya want?” Almost as soon as he entered the infirmary, he was ambushed by a team of interns in hospital masks.

“What the-? Wus goin’ on?!” He protested.

“This is for your own good, Henry,” Joey said solemnly as the interns wrapped his friend in a large comforter and rolled him onto the cot.

“I gotta work!” Henry whined, kicking his legs ineffectually.

“You need rest, Henry. You’re sick.” Joey insisted. “I’ll drive you home at the end of the day. But for the time being, you’re going to stay here and rest.”

Henry spent the rest of the day alternating between sleeping and groaning about how he needed to work. When Joey came to pick him up, he was asleep. Bertram had been removed from the premises that morning by Lacie, who had slung him over her shoulder and carried him out, just as she’d said she would.

“You ready to go home?” Joey asked, gently prodding Henry with his cane.

“Mm?” Henry opened his eyes, then glared weakly at Joey.

“You betrayed me.” He mumbled.

“You’re sick. You needed rest. Linda would have done the same.” Joey smiled and folded his arms. Linda would be home tomorrow, thankfully, and she would no doubt be much better at wrangling a sick Henry than Joey was.

“You’re the worst.” Henry pouted.

“I know, I know. Come on.” Joey managed to get him up, helping him out to his car and driving him home. Henry fell asleep again on the drive over, still partially wrapped in the comforter. Once at Henry’s house, Joey got his friend into bed.

“There we go.” He said as he tucked Henry in. He couldn't help but chuckle as he watched Henry wriggle around, trying to get comfortable. Henry was certainly in for a talking-to from Linda when she got home. Once he was satisfied Henry would sleep well, he took the guest bed. It had been a long day.

#bendy and the ink machine #the ink demonth #fanfiction #henry stein #wally franks #joey drew #lacie benton #thomas connor #norman polk #jack fain #sickness tw

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jade4813 · 7 years ago

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What Makes a Hero, Chapter 2

Title: What Makes a Hero, or The Trials of Iris West

Rating: PG-13

Synopsis: Barry Allen is on trial for his life. His wife, Iris West-Allen, must take on the trials of Hercules to help save him.

Chapters: 2/12

Chapter 2: Geryon’s Cattle

“Iris, I can’t talk to you about the case,” Captain David Singh barked before she even managed to close the office door behind her.

She ignored him, striding purposefully to the chair across his desk and taking a seat. “He didn’t do this.”

He grunted. “So Cecile keeps telling me.” His voice softening slightly, he cautioned her, “She’s his attorney; you should really leave any communications with this department up to her.”

Iris threw him a level look. “But you’re not just a police captain,” she pointed out in a low voice. “You’re also a friend.”

He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help. But as your friend, I’m telling you that you should leave it to Cecile to communicate with my office.” Iris’s heart sank; she understood what he was trying to tell her. He couldn’t put his friendship with Barry or with her above his duty as police captain. On a certain level, Iris understood his position, but that didn’t mean she had to be happy about it.

Losing hold of her temper, she yelled, “For god’s sake, David, Barry is your friend! You were at our wedding! You know him! You know he couldn’t do this!”

He straightened, looking gravely across the desk at her. “What I know is that evidence is pointing to one of the people in my department – one of my officers – having committed a cold-blooded murder. I know that the victim had felt so threatened by this officer that he’d put out a restraining order against him mere weeks before his death. And that the only action taken against the officer prior to what may have been an entirely foreseeable murder was to put him on a leave of absence.

“I’ve been getting daily calls from the Deputy Mayor’s office, wanting reassurances that we can handle this investigation. His office has been getting hundreds of calls from citizens outraged that we didn’t take harsher action against Barry sooner and worried about a police cover up now. The Deputy Mayor has threatened to bring in outside investigators to take over. Do you know what that means?” He stared at Iris until she gave a begrudging nod. She knew well enough. If outside investigators were brought in, Barry would likely be thrown under a bus to get the investigation closed. His guilt or innocence would take a back seat to the Deputy Mayor’s desire for image control and “tough on crime” rhetoric.

Sitting back in his chair, Singh said, his voice filled with regret, “I’m sorry, Iris. I don’t want to believe that Barry would be capable of this, and we will look into any exculpatory evidence we find. But you and I both know that Barry had become obsessed with DeVoe prior to his death. Harassment, breaking and entering…his behavior was way out of line. His fingerprints were on the murder weapon. If this were any other suspect in any other case, then you would agree that he belongs right where he is. Behind bars.”

“But he isn’t a suspect in any other case,” she whispered. “He’s my husband, and he didn’t do this.”

Singh threw her an apologetic look, but he could provide her no comfort. “I really am sorry.”

Iris wanted to scream. To throw things. She was tempted to march back home, retrieve the wedding gift Singh had sent the two of them, and hurl it as his head. But she reminded herself of the warning she’d received by the girl in the coffee shop and took a deep breath instead. Knowing that the battle was lost – at least for the moment – Iris stood and slung her bag over her shoulder. “Barry wasn’t wrong about DeVoe, you know. You of all people know that people in this city aren’t always what they appear to be. And I’m going to prove his innocence, with or without your help.”

As she stalked to the door, Singh cautioned her, “Just be careful how you do it, Iris. If you go after him the same way Barry did, you and your husband will end up in neighboring cells.” Though she bit back a scathing retort, she gave in to the impulse to slam his office door on her way out.

Iris felt all eyes on her as she made her way through the squad room to the exit, and she tried not to let it get to her. It was time to get back to S.T.A.R. Labs to plan her next move.

Iris paused before walking through the door. Leaning against the wall, she tilted her head back and took a few deep breaths, trying to brace herself for what was to come.

Since Barry’s arrest, the only people whose support she had found she could depend upon was the other people inside these doors. Her dad. Wally. Cisco. Caitlin. Harry. They seemed to be the only other people in the world who believed in Barry’s innocence, and so this lab had become something of a refuge to her.

As grateful as she was for their support, it was not without its challenges. They still looked to her to be leader, relying on her to make the tough calls and to direct the next step of their defense. It was hard, sometimes, to push her own heartache aside and focus on the task at hand. It was hard to be the one other people looked to in those moments when she wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry.

But worse than the moments when they looked to her for answers were the moments when they looked at her with pity. Everyone in that room knew what she had lost. They had lost a friend. She’d lost her husband. Her best friend. The love of her life. Her center. And she was terrified she wouldn’t find a way to get him back.

“Falling apart won’t help, West,” she reminded herself in a whisper. Barry would be strong for her. She would be strong for him. With that in mind, she lifted her weight off the wall and squared her shoulders. She couldn’t quite manage a smile, but perhaps a look of determination would do. When she was pretty sure she could keep it together, she threw open the door and strode inside.

A quick glance around gave her the current score: three looked expectant, and two looked at her as though they thought she might be about to fall apart. At least the numbers skewed in her favor instead of in the other direction. Before anyone could ask, she declared, “Well, that went about as well as we expected. It was worth a shot, at least.”

“Have you had a chance to talk to Barry?” Cisco asked just as Caitlin asked, “Where do we go from here?”

Unable to sit still, she began to pace. “He’s meeting with Cecile this morning, so they told me to try again this afternoon,” she said, responding first to Cisco. In all honesty, she didn’t have the first idea what to tell Caitlin, though she knew she couldn’t admit to as much. She didn’t want to risk demoralizing the team, not when they needed hope more than ever.

“So where do we go from here?” Caitlin asked again. Iris should have known she wouldn’t let it go.

She stalled for time. “Well, one thing that did come out of my meeting with Singh is that there’s a lot of public pressure to convict Barry. We’re going to have to look at this differently. It’s not going to be enough to prove he’s not guilty; we’ll have to prove that he’s actually innocent. Otherwise, this will never stop following him.” And those looks and doubts – the ones that had followed him throughout his childhood – if they followed him as an adult, too…Iris was worried what that would do to him.

“I’m not surprised. Marlize gave another press conference today. She’s doing everything she can to get the public on her side,” Joe interjected.

“Then we’re going to have to go on the attack,” Wally said.

Caitlin shook her head. “And make it seem like the murderer’s family is attacking his victim’s grieving widow? That’s not going to get a lot more people on our side.”

“Caitlin is right,” Iris interjected, cutting off the debate. “We’re fighting in the court of public opinion every bit as much as in the court of law. Going after Marlize right now is only going to play into her hands.”

“Any chance CCPN will rethink their decision about your stories?” Cisco asked. Iris shook her head. The day after the arrest, she’d asked her editor to allow her to write an article about Barry’s innocence, but he’d shot her down. He would gladly take her side of the story and put it in an editorial, but he didn’t want the paper to appear so biased. If any articles were going to be written about the crime, Iris wouldn’t be the one writing them. At any rate, Cecile had cautioned her on speaking to the press, since any misconstrued statement could be detrimental to Barry’s defense.

“Not a chance.” Pursing her lips, she added, “But, you know, maybe we can find someone else.” Spinning, she made up her mind and looked at each of them in turn. “Okay, next steps. Wally, you know what you have to do. Barry may be out of commission, but this city still needs the Flash.”

“I’m on it. But you know, if you need me to do some digging into DeVoe, I could use my speed…”

She shook her head. That’s what got Barry in so much trouble, and she wasn’t willing to throw Wally under that same bus. “Not yet.” Then, because she didn’t want him to think she was just shooting him down, she explained gently, “That will probably be necessary at some point, but DeVoe’s been one step ahead of us this whole time. If you go in there now, he’s going to be expecting it. We may have only one shot at finding anything on him, so we’re going to have to choose our timing carefully. I know you’re willing to take the risk, but I want to make damn sure you’re going to find something to nail him with when you do.”

Though he didn’t look entirely happy about it, Wally accepted her reasoning with a nod, and Iris moved on. “Dad, I know you’re not allowed anywhere near the case, but we still don’t have any idea what DeVoe’s endgame is. Can you head back to the precinct and keep looking into any strange cases from the last six months? Creating new metahumans and framing Barry for murder have to be the first steps in some grand plan, and we still don’t know what he’s after.”

As Joe and Wally walked out, she turned to Cisco and Caitlin. “And I know it’s not exciting, but the three of us are on research. I’m going to take care of the newspaper issue, but I need you guys to keep digging. There’s no way DeVoe is actually dead, but I have been assured – many times – that there is a very dead body in the city morgue. Caitlin, I need you to reach out to see if you can get a look at it. He’s got to be a shapeshifter, a clone…something. See what you can do?”

“There are some people I can call,” she agreed.

“And Cisco. There are a couple things I need from you, First, I need you to look into everything Marlize has said to the media. If we’re going to fight the sway of public opinion, we have to know what we’re up against.”

“Sure. What else do you need?”

She hesitated, a little reluctant. Finally, she replied, “I know…I know you haven’t been able to vibe DeVoe on our Earth, but…I’m wondering if there’s another one of him on another Earth that you could vibe into. They might not be the same person, but…at this point, anything you could find out about him has to help.”

He grimaced. “Yeah, I understand. I make no promises that I’ll be able to find anything, but I’ll give it a shot.”

“Thanks,” she said with a smile. As they left, she turned to the phone with a sigh. It was her turn to see if there was anything she could do about the press coverage.

“I was wondering if I’d hear from you. How are you doing?” Iris smiled at the familiar voice on the other end of the line, missing Linda more than ever.

“I take it you’ve heard.”

“You know how it is in the news business. I may not be in Central City at the moment, but it’s still home. I follow what’s happening there as much as possible.” Her voice was filled with gentle concern as she asked, “How are you holding up?”

Iris sucked in a shaky breath. “As well as can be expected, I guess. He didn’t do this, you know.”

She could almost hear Linda’s smile. “Of course I know that. I know you both. He’d never do what he’s accused of doing, and if he did, you have too strong a sense of justice to defend him like you are. You know you can count on me for whatever you need. I would have called you to tell you that sooner, but I figured you had your hands full. I didn’t want to intrude. But you should know if there’s anything I can do for you…anything at all…all you need to do is ask.”

For the first time since Barry’s arrest, Iris allowed herself a genuine smile. “Thank you. Really. Ever since it happened, people have…well…You’re an amazing friend, Linda. You know that?”

The other woman laughed and joked to lighten the mood, “I’m an amazing everything, girl. I’m thinking of putting it on my business cards. So what can I do to help?”

She quickly described the situation. Because she knew that phones could easily be tapped, she avoided any reference to her husband’s superpowers, but she knew Linda would connect the dots. “So what I’m thinking I need is a reporter who’s willing to keep an open mind. Someone who knows things aren’t always what they seem, particularly in Central City, and will actually look into DeVoe. Naturally I thought of you. Will you do it?”

Linda was silent for a moment, then she gave a soft, thoughtful hum. When she finally spoke, her words were slow and measured. “Iris, I’m more than happy to dig into things for you, but I don’t know that I’m the best person for this job. Barry and I have history. Very, very brief history, since he was hopelessly in love with you the whole time we dated and I never really stood a chance. But we still have history.

“If I look into things, I could find a smoking gun in DeVoe’s hand and it wouldn’t matter. People would discredit me because of my history with both of you. Something like this…not to be cynical, but getting public opinion on your side is like herding cattle. It’s a sensational story, and most people have probably already made up their minds that Barry is guilty. You can get them on your side, but they’re going to be looking to latch onto anything that supports their preconceived notion. If they find out the reporter who’s investigating the victim once dated the suspect, I won’t only be discredited but it may backfire on you.”

Iris sighed, rubbing the spot between her eyes. “I understand, but none of the other reporters I know seem to be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and of course nobody would listen to me.” Her friend’s next words made her sit up in excitement, though.

“Hm…Well, I might know someone who could help. I know her mostly by reputation, but…she’s good. Really good. And investigative reporting is basically her thing, so there’s nobody better to have on your side.”

“And you think she’ll believe that Barry’s innocent?” she asked hopefully.

“Well, she’ll keep an open mind, at least, and that’s the best you can ask for. She’s tenacious when she’s going after a story, she’s not the type to be intimidated by opposition, and she’s never been known to prioritize the sensationalized over what’s right. If there’s anyone who will fight for truth and justice – and who will manage to get the people to listen to her while she does so? It’s her.”

She was feeling hopeful about her friend’s suggestion until Linda added, “But there is one thing you have to bear in mind. You’re bringing an outsider into this situation, and she’s going to be digging into things. Whatever she finds…it’s going to be up to her whether to print it. Whatever she finds. Understand? Are you sure you want to take that risk?”

Iris closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. She knew what Linda was trying not to expressly say. If the reporter discovered that Barry had superpowers – that he was the Flash – she might report on that, too. Was that a risk she was willing to take?

She didn’t think she really had a choice. And, at any rate, it was a risk they had all tacitly agreed to take on from the day Barry first slipped into red leather and raced around the city to help people in whatever way he could. Plus, the kind of person Linda described would perhaps see the wisdom in keeping Barry’s secret, assuming she discovered it. “I understand,” she replied slowly. “I’m not sure we have a choice. If you were in my shoes, would you risk it?”

Linda made a soft, thoughtful sound. “If I were in your shoes, the first person I’d want in my corner would be you. The second person would be her. I’d take the chance.”

This was exactly the kind of tough call Iris was called upon to make, so she took one more moment to contemplate her options – and their potential consequences – and then said firmly, “Then we should go for it.”

“I’ll make the call. I can’t guarantee she’ll want to take the story, but I think she will. In the meantime…there are people out there who have your back. Don’t forget that.”

She blinked back tears with a smile and murmured, “I won’t. Thank you, Linda. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You really should put ‘Amazing at Everything’ on your business cards.”

Linda laughed. “Don’t think I won’t!”

#my fanfiction #westallen #What Makes a Hero #The Trials of Iris West #Barry Allen #Iris West #fanfiction

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kinneypride · 7 years ago

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“Fans” complain about diversity and representation in comics, and why is pretty obvious. Thor - Bill Masterson was Thor in the 90s, and there was the whole future Thor thing with Thor 2099 and the Dargo Ktor Thor too. These “fans” didn’t actively complain until it was a woman in the role. A woman I might add, that’s been proven to be worthy of the hammer since the beginning and has been a staple of Thor’s comics from the beginning. My reaction is more towards why did it take so long to do this story that’s been foreshadowed since Donald Blake himself first raised the hammer. Her comic also outsold original Thor’s by quite a lot, and even the drop off of readers still held above the dropoff of readers in original Thor’s comic. A complete unknown white male can pick up the hammer with no problems, but the second a woman who has a long history with Thor does? Oh lordy, shut the internet down. Captain America - In the 90s, John Walker became Captain America for awhile. And in recent years, Bucky became cap(a hero with a prosthetic arm), and currently Sam Wilson is, two characters that have been sidekicks and partners to cap for almost his entire run as opposed to a complete unknown white man. Yet they get all the hate for “replacing Steve.” It’s Sam Wilson’s turn with the shield, and someday Nomad will pick up the shield too. Cap’s early comics are rooted in this notion of the sidekicks/partners eventually will pick up the shield for him. It’s a golden age comic staple of the genre. Taking Captain America and making it about the legacy of what the mantle means to each individual. You can see it over in DC too. Legacies do pick up the mantle eventually. Ms. Marvel - Kamala Khan has been a great read full of personality and fun, but people are still crying out for Carol as Ms Marvel and whining about Carol’s shift to Captain Marvel. Yet that is the natural growth for both their characters. Carol to full take on the mantle of the source of her powers, and Kamala as being a hero who was inspired by another in her youth like many of the greats started themselves. Kamala’s title has been outselling the original’s for awhile now at that.

As for Carol, in one Avengers cartoon that had Carol in it, she can take full on punches from the hulk, but a random pebble while she’s flying a ship incapacitates her and knocks her out so the male characters have to fly the ship(none of which were even pilots!). Yet not one peep from anyone how that didn’t make sense. It was accepted. And you want to tell me this isn’t about sexism towards her character to downgrade her from a military rank that gives respect to her air force days back to a no rank title that uses “Ms.”

All-New Wolverine - I don’t even know where to begin on the ignorance of the complaints here. She’s been building up to becoming Wolverine since her premiere on TV. Her second set of origin comics literally start off with her stepping into Logan’s feet. How anyone can call this “forced”, well, they’re probably an idiot anyway. Wolverine’s comic has never been this fun to read before. Ironman - Riri Williams makes sense taking over the mantle, and even so, she took on a new name for herself anyway. The only other character to come close would have been the niece of James Rhodes. “Fans” will cry and scream that only Tony Stark is Ironman. Yet they’ll conveniently forget that James Rhodes was Ironman in the 80s while Tony Stark was out of commission. Now with Rhodey gone, and plus he’s already been Ironman and has created his own various hero Identities after the fact, it was time for a new person to step into the shoes to begin their own legacy. Makes it hard to believe that those “fan” complaints aren’t anything more than thinly veiled sexism. And lets be honest here, Tony hasn’t been that smart since, well, his creation. He is arrogantly smart, which has led to lots of personal issues and dangerous mistakes. It’s time someone else wore the armor that’s not that arrogantly smart(stupid) to see how she handles it differently without that life threatening flaw that self-creates problems. Especially ones of such magnitude that’d let Ultron turn Tony himself into a puppet because Tony thought nanites and computer parts in his body directly was a good idea. Hulk - Bruce Banner’s original runs have always been about him seeking to rid himself of the hulk. He’s succeeded several times in the past. To the point Rick Jones ended up as a hulk. So “hulk” has had stories in the past of new characters taking over and becoming a Hulk. Now all of a sudden it’s an issue when an asian american man becomes a Hulk. One that has a longstanding history in Marvel as much if not more so than even Rick Jones did before he became a hulk(and then much later A-Bomb). Banner’s wife/Ex-wife Betty becoming a hulk was derided non-stop as well, no matter how fun it was to read. Yet as a story, it makes sense because of how much Banner’s gamma life impacts those around him. Women in his life can get maimed, killed, or even tortured, but heaven forbid one actually get powers of her own because of how Banner’s life impacts them. I mean it’s not like there is history of that happening to loved ones or relatives even from the simplest things like a blood transfusion. Spider-man - The hero costume itself has always been about it could be anyone under that mask. The full covering suit is a metaphor for the fact the kid underneath is any kind of bullied underdog with a good heart. But people whine nonetheless, and even with their whining, many of whom are whining don’t even read the comic. Which is rather obvious by their complaints. They claim this true fan moniker but can’t even recognize an older character reappearing and cry out that Marvel is trying to turn Spider-man into a girl. (*Facepalm.*) And in actual new changes, the alternate universe version over with Spider-Gwen is a fantastic read. One of the best new interpretations of the lore in ages.

“Fans” call it diversity killing comics and heroes. I call it the natural evolution of the characters, and their impact on their world and those around them. The natural progression of stories that should have reached this far in decades past if Marvel back then wasn’t scared of their straight white bread audience that was scared of change. So what’s all the hate really about? Because the rise and fall of sales in comics is nothing new. This happens, and has been happening for the duration of comics as a whole. It’s nothing new. And often enough, it has nothing to do with content. Especially in this day and age where sales are trending towards digital, and print comic sales(floppies) were dwindling much worse before these alleged new “experimental” forays in story telling as people wait for trade paperback collections and hardcovers to read it all at once. Are we really going to call this an experiment when Marvel has done this previously to core title characters in the past? My personal comic buying habits have slowed, and I know it’s not because of “diversity” in the comics. It’s because of the personal finances cost. Much of the material is better than it’s ever been in the past. Heck, much of it is better than it was back during the early 2000s, and here we are nearing 2020. Why can’t comics evolve and their world evolve naturally? Do we really need to leave characters in cryo stasis and telling the same story six ways to Sunday repeated over and over in a slightly different way? Why can’t we have actual new stories? Are you really going to complain about the slowing of the sales of ‘floppies’ when those numbers are still higher than the past? Now also boosted by digital? And an increase in trade paperback sales? So what’s the hate really about? Longstanding comic tropes of heroes naturally evolving as per their character history? Or the fact in some of those cases it happens to be a woman? Or in Captain America’s case, a black man. Or Hulk’s an Asian American? Why can’t Marvel be allowed to tell new stories like they have in the past even with new male characters? We wouldn’t even have War Machine today if not for Marvel doing that in the past. These characters will grow into the mantle, and some will splinter off into new identities. It’s a comic staple that’s as old as comics itself, and if we limit that, we’re cutting off a large chunk of what future comics could become and grow into. If over in DC, the new Wally West took over for Barry, as it happened previously in the comics pre-reboot that brought Barry back, how do you think people will react to that? It’s happened in the past, so it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s part of Barry’s character history. But logic has never been part of a hater’s repertoire. I guess we’ll see how that pans out coming up in the Flash TV series itself. These shifts are nothing new to comics. So why is it ‘now’ an issue when it’s someone that’s not white or not male? This shouldn’t be an issue at all.

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abakersquest · 8 years ago

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CHAPTER ONE - FRESH FROM THE OVEN

Animana was a small island nation that was now comprised of a single city on a hilltop. Its signature features included: a preponderance of grassy hills, a great forest, a large and imposing stone wall, and an enormous seaside crater where its sister city, Marsu, once stood. When the Grand War, as it came to be called, claimed Marsu and most of its residents, those who were lucky enough to survive fled to the capital. Eventually, the regency commissioned the construction of a second great wall to house the displaced people. In the twenty years hence, this new ward of Animana would gain the colloquial title of 'The Outers', while the world behind the inner wall became known as 'Castle Town'.

Now, despite being surrounded by a great stone wall and four tall towers where the City Guard can see for miles in every direction, The Outers were still considered by those living behind the inner wall to be less reputable and quite unsafe. But, as is the case with almost any place you go, good can be found if you just know how to look. In this particular case, good can be found at 8989 North River’s End Street, both home and workplace to Wally B. Walter.

A wallaby by birth and a baker by trade, Wally was a sturdy and green-eyed fellow who stood roughly 3 feet in height and took to dressing in a manner that would look serviceable yet tidy, while also withstanding the rigors of a kitchen. He had owned “Walter’s Bakery” for almost five years now, and lived in the refurbished storage space above the shop floor.

It must also be said that Wally was one of the most reasonable and mild of individuals you could ever meet. So, it’s no wonder that his initial response to a shimmering broadsword crashing through his roof, destroying his brand new gas stove, complete with Madame Shill’s order for dinner party scones, was simply, “oh.”

Quickly remembering everything he’d learned about operating gas fueled ovens, and partially ignoring the dire reality before him, Wally quickly turned off the gas line feeding into the now ruined metal stove. Then, with next to nothing else to fall back on, he simply stood and stared at the absolutely ridiculous sight before him. His mind bubbling like boiling soup as it struggled for any manner of reasonable explanation.

“Well,” he said aloud to an imagined witness of the scene. “I s’pose it could’ve come off The North Tower, I do live a quick jaunt from there after all… Guess it’s lucky it didn’t crash through the inn next door. Now that’s a thing to wake up to, eh? Big sword through the foot of your bed? Great story to tell at parties, that’s for sure, ‘almost had me toes off, yeah?’” Wally laughed softly before his shoulders began to descend in time with his mood. “So... That’s the cost of floor repair, the roof, new stove, refund for Madame Shill and…” Wally winced in anticipation as he looked around the kitchen slowly, peered up through the large hole above him, and very, very slowly counted to ten. “… Good, it didn’t get worse.”

Straightening his well-used apron and adjusting the collar of his shirt, Wally set to work on cleaning the mess around him. The otherwise tidy and well-appointed kitchen was the right size for him to always move about comfortably, but since he was of such a short stature, ‘comfortable’ for him was ‘shoe cubby’ for most others. In almost no time, he swept the various bits of rubble into an unoccupied corner and set about mopping the black and white tiles back to his preferred mirror sheen, sighing softly at the cracked ones nearest the oven. Wiping down the granite counter tops followed, then the washing of any sullied cookware, and finally adjusting the small photograph of his family on the far wall that had thankfully only been slightly tilted by the day’s sudden impact. Soon, with the area around said event returned to some state of order, Wally could finally address the large imposing error he’d done his best to keep to the corner of his thinking.

The sword was, to Wally’s eyes, odd. Aside of course from it sticking out of the brand new cast iron stove in the middle of his cozy kitchen, the metal was unfamiliar in the way it shone. It wasn’t steel, iron, copper, or anything else that could’ve been associated with various pieces of metal kitchenware and likewise. Its enormous star shaped cross-guard bore a large ruby-like gem in its center, and the whole thing may as well have been one piece of metal somehow forged into looking like separate parts. As he slowed his breathing to better concentrate on how best to free the inevitably weighty thing, Wally’s ears perked up and noticed something they hadn’t before. He moved around the impact site slowly, tilting his head back and forth to make absolutely sure until finally, he was quite certain the sword was humming.

Against all reason and logic, Wally slowly reached out a hand and touched the part of the blade still exposed to open air. While not quite certain of what he’d expected, what he’d felt was well beyond anything he could possibly have considered. It wasn’t cold, nor was it as hot as any metal that fell into a working stove should’ve been. It was warm. As he rested his palm against the blade he mused aloud, “It’s not warm like metal… It’s like… Holding someone’s hand…” He stared at the almost golden hilt of the thing, slowly becoming transfixed on the deep red jewel thereupon. In a sort of deepening daze, Wally’s hand rose toward the broadsword’s grip, the tips of his fingers just grazing it as the sound of a bell in the next room snapped him back into reality.

Wringing his hands in his apron on instinct, Wally made himself look as presentable as possible as he stepped out of the kitchen toward the shop front with a ready excuse loaded like cannon shot.

“Terribly sorry, I’m afraid I’ll have to close early today. There was a bit of an accident in the kitchen. I might not be open again for at least a month.” His face shone with the proper shop owner’s smile and his voice rang with the friendly tone suiting a fellow in the service industry, both of which were delivered expertly. Of course, practicing that sort of thing in the mirror ‘til your face was numb was bound to pay dividends.

“Accident, you say?” replied Wally’s would-be customer. “Oh I don’t believe in those. No sir, not one bit.”

Wally finally set eyes on the small figure just entering his shop. She was a squirrel, barely as tall as him, garbed in purple ceremonial attire with golden charms adorning her head. She bore a pleasant smile, a long staff with a bright blue crystal ball on the end of it, and a broad furry tail trailing behind her.

He was sure in that moment his heart would drop right out of his chest and smash another hole through his already beleaguered floor, as before him stood none other than Cinera the Seer; mystic advisor to Animana’s King and Queen. He stood as if she’d turned him to stone on the spot and gibbered whatever syllables his mind could remember at the time.

Cinera giggled slightly. “Now, now, no need to be nervous. Just another customer, right?”

“H-… Hardly…” Wally barely replied.

“Careful,” she playfully chided. “A girl’s liable to be flattered by that kind of nervous remark.”

Wally swallowed quite audibly; he knew he did because he saw Cinera react to the sound. He tried to nervously laugh it off but found his throat was far too dry and what came out was more of a painful wheeze worthy of an old set of bellows. Closing his eyes to face his inner frustration, he tugged his own ears down in a bid to find some center of balance before finally quietly saying, “I didn’t steal it, I promise.”

Cinera tilted her head coyly. “Steal what exactly?”

Wally pointed at what he was slow to remember was a wall with various cake boxes. “Ah! No! I mean it’s… It landed in my kitchen and I honestly was just done putting in some scones to bake and then BANG right through my roof it was just so sudden I turned to start cleaning up and then there it was plain as day what do you do about that sort of thing really because I’ve never heard of swords just falling out of the sky before I’m sure no one has and-” The next few sounds were best described as explanatory wheezing before Wally forced himself to breathe, look back to Cinera, and see that her serene expression had remained entirely unchanged.

“May I?” She said with a gesture toward the kitchen door.

Wally nodded and held the swinging door open for her.

The large crystal on the end of her staff chimed ever so subtly and began to shine as she entered the kitchen and approached the sword in the oven.

Seemingly in response, the red gem in the Sword’s cross-guard also began to shine.

Cinera spoke softly, barely a whisper to Wally’s ears, but what he heard was no language he’d ever encountered.

“Do you know what this is?” Cinera spoke with a tone of reverence worthy of a temple’s reliquary.

“B-… Besides it being a sword? No ma’am.”

“This, dear fellow, is the Stellar Flare.”

A sharp chill ran up and down Wally’s spine, his ears pointed straight to the heavens and his tail went so rigid it nearly made the sound of a struck wooden plank. His tongue dodged every possible word his brain sent down to it before finally deciding to shout, “IN MY KITCHEN?!”

Cinera looked back to him, restraining a laugh at the sight of the young wallaby desperately clasping his hands over his mouth before more words could explode outward.

Wally, through his embarrassment, managed to look upon the Stellar Flare. The Sun had finally reached the right place in the sky that the true beauty of this legendary artifact could finally be seen. It shone every bit like the stories claimed it did, like bottled starlight.

As history is want to repeat itself to almost comedic effect, once again Wally was shaken from his semi-hypnotic state by another customer. However this time, the caller was at the back door, knocking quite gently. Wally froze on the spot. With the revelation that in his very own kitchen stood one of the most precious and powerful objects in the world, a massive wave of fear overtook him that behind that door could be the most dangerous of individuals.

“Well?” said Cinera, interrupting his paranoia. “Aren’t you going to answer it?”

With what he considered appropriate trepidation, Wally moved to the door and just barely opened it to see a small hooded figure waiting on the doorstep.

“Oh! It’s just you Nini.” Wally said, relieved.

“Mister Wally, is everything alright? There’s big guards in front. You’re not in trouble are you?”

Wally smiled warmly and opened the door a little wider. Cinera could finally see the visitor was a young Sauroian girl, maybe no older than six, bundled all in a black hooded cloak that hid most of her features, save the telltale pattern of speckled scales on her cheeks. Wally patted the girl kindly on the head and spoke in a calm tone at last, “No, no. Just a bit of an accident in the kitchen, that’s all. Now…” He turned and reached up to a nearby shelf, taking down a simple brown box, tied with twine. “Here’s your mother’s order, tell her not to worry, I included a little extra, free of charge.”

Even with the darkness of the hood in play, Cinera could see the beaming smile of the little girl as she took the box. “Are you sure Mister Wally? Is that okay?”

Wally gave her a reassuring nod. “Of course it is, now get going so it taste as fresh as it can when you get home.”

“Right!” She turned on her heels and ran down the back alley toward the street, stopping there to wave goodbye to Wally before heading off.

With a happy sigh, Wally closed the door and turned around, coming almost face to face with Cinera.

“Hold this please.” She said as she placed the crystal ball of her staff onto Wally’s head.

“Hold what-” before he could finish, the staff made an audible click and the full weight of its crystal ball was resting between his ears. Quickly he reached up both hands to balance it, only to have Cinera tug them back down.

“No need for those, Sir.”

“But it’ll fall!”

“Will it?”

Wally babbled for a moment before he looked up, noticing that the bright blue ball had become filled with a strange ethereal flame. In time, he also noticed that it weighed almost nothing, and seemed to balance itself on his head no matter how he moved.

“Madam Seer…” He spoke softly. “What does that fire mean, exactly?”

“Simple.” She moved the top of her staff back to the bright blue jewel which snapped back onto its proper place effortlessly. “It means you’re the new owner of the Stellar Flare.”

As was befitting one of the mildest tempered individuals in the city of Animana, Wally could only say, “Oh.”

<[Prologue]–[Index]–[Chapter 02]>

#A Baker's Quest #Writing

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rebeccahpedersen · 7 years ago

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Realtor Stats: How Many Transactions Were Agents Doing In 2017?

TorontoRealtyBlog

Search Google all you want, I assure you – you will never find the answer to that question.

So many people ask me questions on this subject, all the time. And even agents themselves want to know!

I don’t know what conclusions you can draw from the data, but I do know that TREB doesn’t make this available.

So I will. What the hell…

Like I said – what conclusions can draw?

Good or bad?

I’m scratching my head, trying to think of how the public might react to this data, both optimistically, and pessimistically.

The average person might want to know, “How many licensed Realtors complete zero transactions per year?” It’s a great question. Would TREB provide an answer, if asked? What is the upside? What is the downside? How can you create an argument either way?

If 10% of Realtors perform zero transactions, is that better than if it were 5%, or worse? What kind of argument are we making?

So I’m going to provide you with all the data today, and answers to just about all the questions you can ask.

First, the disclaimers:

1) This data is not coming from TREB. It’s coming from a third-party company, licensed by TREB, to track the data.

2) The third-party only tracks agents that have performed a transaction (sales, not leases) in the past 12 months.

3) I do not know the exact number of Realtors that are licensed through TREB, but I would estimate it at around 48,000. So we’ll use that number for all our figures below, and you have to keep in mind that the data I’m providing is not exact, but it is very, very close.

4) This data is for the entirety of 2017.

Sound good?

There are so many questions to ask here, I’m like a kid on Christmas; I almost don’t know where to begin.

So we know that there are 48,000 licensed Realtors at TREB, I guess the first question that I would want to know is, “How many licensed agents performed zero transactions in 2017?”

Yes, that’s the first question on my mind.

Call me a sadist, but I just really want to know

Any guesses, folks?

Any ideas on the number, or percentages?

Wanna throw out a number before you scroll down?

Here, I’ll help you avoid the temptation to move along without guessing. Just try – out of 48,000, how many did zero transactions in 2017?

How about 15,303 agents. Out of 48,000.

Does that sound high or low?

That’s 31.9% of all Realtors licensed through TREB, who did zero transactions in 2017.

If I were on the outside looking in, I’d think that number is high.

That’s almost a third! And while we know that not everybody who has a real estate license is active, surely you’d assume that your friend Wally, who is a full-time bartender but has his real estate license just in case any of you want to buy a condo, represents a lot lower percentage of the gang!

Okay, so how many agents did one transaction in 2017?

8,344.

Which means that the number of licensed Realtors who did one or fewer transactions in 2017 is………………..49.3%.

Is that shocking, or what?

HALF of all the licensed agents by the Toronto Real Estate Board are doing one or fewer transactions. It just boggles the mind.

Now I could go on to two, then three, then four, and so on, but I think you get the idea at the lower end.

How about the idea of, say, “enough money to make a living?”

I suppose we need to define “a living,” but since we know the $15/hour minimum wage will bring the minimum salary up to $30,000 per year ($15 x 40 hours, x 50 weeks, or more if you’re paid for vacation), then clearly we can’t look at $30,000, or anything close to it.

I’m looking for at least a “decent” living.

Let’s look at the number of licensed Realtors that perform four or more transactions per year. Why four? Well, I have a theory that four transactions is the magic number to make “a decent living” in real estate.

So first, let me test that theory.

I want to know the “dollar volume of sales” for your average agent doing 4 transactions in 2017.

What does that mean? If you did sales of $1,100,000, $425,000, $725,000, and $1,981,000, your dollar volume of sales would be $4,231,000.

There were 2,738 agents who did four sales in 2017, so I’ve taken a random sample of 500 of those agents, looking for the average dollar volume of sales.

From my random sample, the average is $2,985,716.

Let’s assume a 2.5% commission on these sales.

That would mean the average agent who does 4 transactions per year is making a gross commission of $74,642.90.

That’s not chump change, am I right? It’s far more than the average Torontonian makes in a year!

But consider that this is the gross commission, and the agent still needs to split with their brokerage.

Brokerage splits vary across the city, and across different business models.

When I started with Bosley Real Estate in 2004, I was on a 60/40 commission split, which very few, if any (including Bosley) brokerages still have today.

On the other hand, there are many “virtual brokerages” that offer a 100/0 split, with a per-transaction fee, desk fee, and/or other fees.

So while most agents at full-service brokerages, who gross $74,642.90 per year, would find themselves on a 70/30 split, let’s factor in the virtual models, and call this an 80/20 split.

With that average agent paying a 20% split to their brokerage, the $74,642.90 ends up putting $59,714.32 into their pocket.

Still a fantastic living, right?

But there are fees! Lots of fees! The Toronto Real Estate Board, Canadian Real Estate Association, Real Estate Council of Ontario, and so forth. Call it perhaps $4,000.

Now the agent is down to $55,714.32, but still a great living.

What about all the courses? There are several courses you need to take to get licensed, then some more “articling” courses in the two years after you obtain your license, then these cash-grab courses they call “continuing education.” While most of the money is paid up front, I’d say if you average out the first five years, you’re $1,500 per year.

Now we’re down to $54,214.32

What about expenses?

Maybe these agents doing four transactions per year aren’t buying billboards, but they sure are spending!

You pay for everything in real estate, no matter the brokerage. At $1.50 per feature sheet, that adds up over the course of a year!

Even agents doing four transactions per year have to be spending at least $10,000 per year. Many agents spend that per week, but let’s be conservative here.

So now the $74,642.90 is down to $44,214.32.

And I’m going ignore things like car leases and insurance, because while those are legitimate write-offs in the business, if this person wasn’t in real estate, they’d probably stil have a car and car insurance. Same goes for a host of other items that I could claim to bring that $47K number lower, but for now, let’s say we’re done.

So $44,000.

That’s a lot more than a LOT of people make!

But it doesn’t make you rich, and it’s nowhere close to the $77,642.90 gross amount that agents doing 4 transactions per year say they do.

So now the big reveal: how many agents are doing MORE than four transactions per year?

25.8%

One in four agents licensed by the Toronto Real Estate Board is netting more than $44,000 per year.

Or if you’re an aspiring Realtor, you can say, “I have a one-in-four chance of making more tha $44,000 per year; do I like those odds?”

I had a lot of fun with these numbers, folks.

How many agents do you think do ten or more transactions in a year?

10.4%.

So perhaps now it’s time for me to provide the bigger reveal, and show you the breakdown:

I showed this to a few folks at my office, and two of them said, “You’re looking at greater than or equal to,” ie five or more transactions. I was told I should look at less than, since it might be more interesting to those who choose to see the cup half empty.

And you know? I thought this was a neat way of looking at things to.

So here’s the data in a different light:

“Less than 1” is a nice way of saying, “Zero.”

For those curious about the numbers closer to the top, I can’t reveal names.

But if you want to know which “agent” did the most deals apparently, one guy did 603 sales.

Really.

But at the same time, not really.

A lot of agents have a “team” working for them, and even though a team-member completes a transaction, the sale is still reported under that one agent’s name.

It is physically impossible for one agent to complete 100 deals or more without any help. So the 603 deals at the top is silly.

Next five down the list?

435 292 235 213 211

Again, those are teams masquerading as agents.

39 agents are credited with having completed 100+ transactions. The reason I didn’t have a line for “100+” on my chart above is because, as I mentioned, these numbers aren’t truly indicative of how many deals these agents are doing. But nevertheless, that’s impressive!

So just as we read “Choose Your Own Adventure” books as kids, you can feel free to draw your own conclusions on the data above…

The post Realtor Stats: How Many Transactions Were Agents Doing In 2017? appeared first on Toronto Real Estate Property Sales & Investments | Toronto Realty Blog by David Fleming.

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popculturebuffet · 3 years ago

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The Boys Volume 4: We Gotta Go Now Review Part 1 (Issues 23-26) (Commission For WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people! And since I likely have a bunch of new faces in the audience, welcome. I’m Jake, I do deep dives into comics and animation. While I haven’t talked about them nearly enough on this blog I truly love superhero comics. To me wether it’s with a vast universe like Marvel or DC, a smaller upstart one like Valiant or Catlyst, or self contained ones like Astro City , there's just no end of stories to tell or things you can do with them, from gritty street action, to straight up parody to a bunch of lesser heroes or even villians trying to make a go of things. There’s just so much that can be done, so far you can go, and so batshit and creative you can get with these characters histories long and short, that it’s no wonder DC and Marvel are STILL around today and probably always will be.. and not just because hteir easy IP factories for their parent companies. There’s a magic in superhero stories, in these flawed humans deciding to shoot for something better and use their powers, skills, or inate ablities to save lives, fight evil, and maybe take in a poker game with a giant rock man now and again.

But while I love superhero comics like most things I love.. i’m not blind to their issues either: While the bigger named characters are guarnateed to get fresh runs of their comic again and again till the heatdeath of the universe, like any media you never know if that runs’ going to be good or not or when they are good if the bigger, more interesting changes are going ot stick and even if they do, for how long. And if i’ts a bad change... you have no idea how long that stench will linger. As of this writing She Hulk is STILL not back to her old self, Hank Pym is still dead, and Conner Kent is still on the Suicide Squad.

And with smaller heroes who often can go years or decades without an ongoing i’ts even worst: They can get shuffled from writers, written terribly in crossovers or mindlessly killed off simply to provide “shock value”. In some cases characters or entire lines can be suppressed: Marvel infamously got rid of the fantastic four as a group for several years and tried to not let anything intresting happen with the X-Men simply because they didn’t own the movie rights. DC was arguably even worse as former editor Dan DiDio flat out got rid of scores of characters because he hated Legacy Heroes.. despite that being one of DC’s signature things, and characters like Wally West, Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, who the idiot outright hated, were given the short end of the stick and only brought back begrudgingly, with Wally put through absolute hell to try and get fans to hate him, cumulating in making him a murderer (which was thankfully undone last month).

And sometimes you just get writers who stick around LONG after thir best years are done because tenure, like Brian MIcheal Bendis, Dan Slott and Jason Aaron, guys who DID make good comics once but are now just making bad decisions and getting rewarded for it.

My point is while I love comics there’s a LOT about the industry, it’s storytelling and it’s corporate nature to satirize. I do love a good superhero parody: The Venture Bros is my favorite show ever and both the animated and second live action versions of the tick hold a special place in my heart. So taking that to the very corporate foundations of heroes was and still is a brilliant idea.

I say all this because I want to make this clear: When I tear into today’s comic i’ts not because I have any issue with making jabs at superhero comics or the horrible corporate beast that makes them possible. The concept of the Boys is brilliant: In a world where corrupt superheroes are propped up by a mega corp seeking only to use them for profit and gleeful to cover up the worst of them’s actions, 4 brave anti-heroes and a bull dog say “Fuck that noise” and, as their leader Butcher puts it “Spank the bastards when they get out of line”. I love the idea of making fun of the corporate side of heroics, what a big bad corp could do with this kind of power, how that’d impact the world and see how our heroes could beat the kind of menace that our government has made pretty much indestructible. Especially now decades after it landed where we’re more aware of how fucked corporations are than ever.

Now from everything I can gather the series DOES do this right, using black comedy to show just how bad this system fucks over the people and the very heroes it’s using and just how like corprate machines do with actors and athlets chews theese people up , spits them out and lets the worst ones get away with murder, while also taking playful jabs at modern superhero media. In the right hands a good story was told with it.

But for the first draft of it, the original comic by Garth Ennis... it was in the very worst hands possible. As anyone reading this or who as even heard a whisper of Garth Ennis has heard, Garth Ennis hates superhero comics. it’s not something he’s even remotely hid. And just to show that hasn’t changed here’s a bit from a 2019 interview from Uproxx, where when asked if the Seven were modled off any heroes in paticular he had this as his actual response:

Well, I don’t like any of them. You can pick your favorite and watch me denigrate them. The thing is, due to a quirk of distribution and growing up in Northern Ireland in the ’70s and ’80s, I never really saw American superhero comics. Not often enough or for long enough that I was able to really get into them. I grew up on British comics until I was well into my teens. I was reading material very, very different from what you see in the American superhero tradition. I think coming to them as, pretty much, an adult, I responded to them the way adults did in those days, which is, “This makes no sense. This is ridiculous. This is silly.” That’s where the suspicion and disdain arose

And why yes he didn’t answer the very easy question, when asked next “Are you surprised to see people still crave superhero content to the degree that they do?”:

Considering the state the world is in, I’m not terribly surprised by people resorting to fantasy. I’m always a little reluctant when I see people making that choice, but I do see where, in a world like this one, when things have gotten as wretched as they have, where that longing for fantasy has. Beyond that, I think there is a long human tradition of praying that a man will come from the sky to save you. Generally, hasn’t worked out too well, but I understand where the instinct comes from.

See as I said him not liking superhero comics isn’t the issue. You can satarize something you don’t like, just look at Kevin Can Fuck Himself, that’s fine.. but you have to UNDERSTAND that thing to deconstruct it. It’s like demolishing a condemmed building: sure any idiot with some explosives can DESTROY a building but to take it down properly you have to know the place in and out, it’s weaknesses what tools to use, and how to prevent collateral damage etc.

And that’s the problem here: because Ennis couldn’t be arsed to know WHY superhero comics work for people, his satire boils down to

He can’t fathom a world where super beings would want to HELP people and that power wouldn't corrupt pretty much all of them with maybe 7 or 8 exceptions. And as we’ll see when you paint all of one set of characters with teh same douchey brush, it limits what you can do parody or satire wise.

So to show why this dose’nt work it’s best I dive into a bit of the work itself and really crawl around in the foundation, find the weak spots and smash this bastard to hell.

Now you may be asking “Why are you starting with volume 4?” The answer is twofold. The first is Kev, one of my patrons and the guy who commissions my paid for work most of the time, wanted me to cover this as i’m a MASSIVE x-men fan and reference them all the time in my reviews, and i’d also mentioned I didn’t really like what little I had read of the boys comic when he commissioned this, two and a half issues for the record. My response was graceful and greatful:

I took the job anyway. Let’s face it if I was going to cover any ONE arc of the boys, it’d be this one, I was curious if the book was REALLY as bad as I remembered, and i’d probably be covering it someday anyway so why not get paid for it. I did do my homework though: I read all 3 volumes before this and the trade with the ongoing issues after this detailing both the boys fight with Payback (Their terrible avengers parody) and their origins. Like I said if your going to deconstruct something you gotta know it in and out. So join me under the cut as, to borrow a phrase from this very comic “Give this bastard a spanking” won’t you?

Content Warning: This review contains mentions of Rape, Pedophilia, and other forms of sexual assault as it’s part of the material being reviewed. If this is a pscyholgical trigger for you you might want to sit this one out for your own mental health and i will totally understand. thank you.

A Quick and Dirty Summary of The Boys to Get You Up To Speed:

The Boys takes place in a world where Superheroes are entirely made and controlled by Voight American. Voight is a defense contractor who were great at making sales but craptastic at making actual weapons until they stumbled upon Compound V, an expensive to produce blue good that can give people superpowers. Voight made sure to get a monopoly on it, and thus found a product they could sel lin the supes: packaging assorted douchebags with colorful origin stories and making hand over fist from their comics in merch. In exchange said supes live like the douchiest of celebrties given whatever they want and as long as they tow the company line and do what Voight said, Voight will gladly bribe whoever it takes to keep their reps clean.

So to keep them in check General Greg Mallory formed The Boys, a black ops team of trench coated badasses who keep an eye on the supes and backed by CIA Director Susan Raynor. On most days they simply watch them via survillence and get blackmail material or do investigative work. But if something really bad is up then they inject some compound v themselves for those who need it and go kick the shit out of them.

Mallory eventually left after a tragic incident, the team shut down and the book opens as the team reassembles and we meet said boys:

Billy Butcher: In Garth Ennis head a total badass who takes no shit from anyone, takes the piss out of everyone and really sticks it to those supes after the tragic rape and death of his wife. In reality he’s an obnxoious 8th grade bully in the body of a grown ass man who throws around swears, homophibic slurs and other obnoxious language like candy. And to prove to those who haven’t suffered through him i’m not lying here’s a scene where he’s telling Hugie the secrets of various super heroes while in a comic shop, censored because I don’t put hate speech on my blog.

Yes this really happened. I made no alterations other than the black bars for the deorgotory slang for gay men and lesbians. In one sentence he proves to be homephobic, transphobic and racist, putting being gay or trans, or having sex with white women when black, on the same level as date rape, being in the Klan and child molestation. And choking on Cum I guess.

Butcher looks, acts and sounds like an edgelord 14 year old’s verison of the punisher, yet was somehow created by someone who was 36 at the time. He’s always like this, putting on this too cool for school attitude and being a swaggering dickhead. And Garth hasn’t regretted his characterization or anything: in another recent interview he called Butcher his favorite character and it shows. Butcher is Garth’s ego stroking big dicke swinging self insert, again a 14 year old’s edgelord fanfic punisher self insert character, but who somehow got 64 issues of his own comic.

Mother’s Milk: My faviorite of the group and easily the most complex and intresting. The son of two workers at a voight plant who got compound v through his brother’s breast milk and thus has superpowers thanks ot said milk. And yes.. he still needs it today, and we’ll leave it at that because this entire idea is deeply stupid and gross.

His dad fought Voight in court and after years of his time and sanity won.. but Voight shrugged it off. Martin, while in the marines was recurited by Butcher and became his right hand, his concisence and best friend and is both the nicest of the boys outside of Hugie, and the most intresting. Naturally it took till THIS arc for him to actually get a storyline to himself and until the next arc to get his origin story.

Wee Hughie: Our deutratgonist and the newest member of the boys, a scottish boy modelded after Simon Peg, who not concidentally plays Hugie’s Dad in the Amazon Prime series. His girlfriend was tragically mowed down by A-Train, one of the seven, earth’s mightest douchebags. Butcher gave him a purpose and a job in the states.. and also hired Huguies land lord to jack off under Hugie’s door because Butcher dosen’t like where Hughie lives.

Hugie is the most likeable of the group, a moral soul in a very fucked up world who tries to do his best and who Butcher clearly is trying to make into a killing machine and treats like garbage half the time.

Frenchie and the Female: A double act, Frenchie is a wackado from well france whose origin story involves a baguette joust.. I would much rather be reviewing his origin story. The Female is an asian woman who as a baby was doused in compound v and kept basicaly as an animal till she escaped and the boys rescued her. While Butcher, being the dick he is, wanted to put her down, Frenchie insisted on treating her like a human being, teaching her to read and right and helping her with her blood lust, as they’d only really cared about teaching the child to be a weapon. The two sate their bloodlust by doing various random stuff to stave off boredome and are certified badasses. And as you can tell anyone BUT butcher should be the lead here but Garth Ennis wanted to write himself into the lead so here we are.

Terror: Butcher’s bulldog whose a good boy.. who Butcher also likes to tell FUCK IT having trained him to hump things including a much smaller dog on command because again, 8th grade schoolyard bully.

We have one last main character whose not a boy: Starlight, a naive 20 something supe named Annie and one of the only decent ones in the entire comic. Starlight is the newest member of the seven, basically the justice league but dickheads, and on her first day all the male members force her to suck her dick lest she not get the job. This is both played for mild douchey laughs and the narrative tries to frame it as some price she paid for it she regrets and not you know her being coereced into a sex act by assholes. Her role in the story is to get dicked around and to fall in love with Hugie, the two having a loving relationship sexually and otherwise and being the only cute thing in a book that’s concentrated deep hurting.

So far the boys have fought a bunch of teen douchebags, a russian woman with a habit for using a giant didlo because HEHEHEHEHE DILDOS, an iron man expy whose inablity to stop randomly humping objects is treated not as a serious issue he has to overcome but played for dark laughs, and his douchebag n nightwing equilvent. So so far.. you hvaen’t missed much and your better off that way. So now your ready let’s finally talk about We Gotta Go Now, the fourth Arc and Trade from the Boys.

Issue 23:

We open at at Vought Warehouse where two employees are talking over some equipment their stockpiling.. equipment that includes depeleted uranium and flamethrowers.

Clearly Vought is getting ready to go after something big and the fact they need THAT Much fire power spells out it’s a supe.

We then cut to Hughie in bed with Annie, enjoying the afterglow before that whole “someone jizzing under his door” “Running gag” comes up. I’m still not wholly convinced Garth Ennis isn’t just two 12 year olds in a trench coat.

Cut to a diner where Butcher is having lunch with Raynor who has a new mission for him: The G-Men. The G-Men are unsuprisingly this unvierses x-men, having tons of spinoff teams, and unlike the x-men fighting in public a lot because the boys universe dose’nt HAVE supervillians. Which makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to me: if your going to sell these guys to the public they need flashy villians to fight. It’d make more sense if Voight was secretly juicing up test subjects to throw them at the seven and other teams or giving guys weak gear to get slaughterd to make thei rbottom line look better and with the x-men it’s especially galling given their supposed to fight for those who fear and hate them.. and half the time it’s against evil mutants. With no foes.. what the hell are the x-men against here exactly? General perscution? For being what a lot of other people are?

We’re not even that many pages in, and already the surface level satire rears it’s ugly head: instead of getting into the mutant metaphor, i.e. how most mutants are white and straight but stand in for black and gay people, and how messy it is and using THAT for satire he just goes with “Their popular therefore they blow goats”. And given what comic we’re in i’m sure Garth means that LITERALLY.

So back to the plot: Raynor’s reason for being suspicious is recently Silver Kincaid, The G-Men’s answer to Jean Grey only with silver hair and gravity powers, comitted suicide, standing creepily outside a small town, asking for her “uncle paul” then collapsing in a heap of gore. Naturally Voight got to the body before Raynor’s people could. Since much like Jean, Silver was an OG member of her team and very high up, something big had to have happened to tip this and she wants answers. Butcher.. wants to fuck her in the bathroom. Yeah a ““RUNNING GAG”” is that every time the two meet they have loud rough hate sex, usually with anal that Butcher usually talks her into. Because Garth Ennis takes “Fuck the goverment” literally I suppose.

So back at the Boys HQ in the Manhattan Flatiron Building, Butcher runs down what info they have from The Legend, aka the series Stan Lee stand in, a comic book writer who helped voight start making comics and being a well.. legend, he still has deep connections in the industry, working as the Boys informant since naturally working with the supes so closesly makes him hate them as much as Butcher does.

So after getting a corkboard full of really bad names, more on those later, Butcher has Hugie break it down since, convenitely, Hugie’s been studying the G-Men lately.

The G-Men much like the X-Men are outcasts, in this case young supe orphans saved from a cruel world by John Goodkin, the team’s founder and leader. Their cover is they fight a world that hates and fears them like the x-men. In practice since there’s no anti-supe prejudice in this world their wild and crazy rich kids and adults like every other damn supe. The only real diffrences are how marketable they are, their Voight’s biggest seller, and how many there are: 7 teams with over 80 indviduals.

Again there ARE ways to make fun of the x-men: Have them mostly be cis white guys who treat the gay, black and female members of the team like commodites to be propped up to show their “woke”. Have them fight a brotherhood expy like I said that voight pays for to make them look deeper. Have voight stage anti-supe attackes on them to sell the persuction complex.

There’s way more to make fun of then than “Gee they have a LOT of teams”. Especailly when ther’es a REASON for “gee they have a lot of teams”: There are a LOT of mutant characters and, especially in the current Krakoan era, a lot of directions to go with said mutants. We’ve had detectives, corporate sponsored heroes, black ops, teen teams, the old teen teens mentoring the new, pirates, the suicide squad but with mutants, a space team and Nightcrawler founding a religion with a ragtag bunch of misfits. And a lot of those are fresh NEW ideas that just happened in the last two years or so. There’s reason for all these books and while it’s fine to poke some fun at them, he’s not making fun of it being done for profit, as we learn Voight is against the expansion, he’s just saying “HEHEHE THEY HAVE A LOT OF TEAMS THEY MUST BE SELL OUTS”.

So the plan is simple: the orginally Goodkin mansion burned down last year, so the Boys Bugs, which they only had a few of as for some reason Butcher dosen’t consider them worth the time of day despite you know, constantly expanding and getting into more shite being a danger to all, burned with them. The good news is G-Wiz, the teen team (which is packed with 20 somethings, which is an actual good dig at how long the x-men keep teen members as “teens” despite clearly being older by basic logic, if an accidental one given that wasn’t as big an issue yet), lives right down the road from the new place, goes back and forth all the time and isn’t very observant... so our heroes COULD sneak in an infiltrator..i.e. Hughie.

So after a cut to the seven where they get a prank call that will be explained shortly we cut back to the boys and end with Hughie dressed up lke a supe with Butcher naturally laughing like the jackass he is.

Before we go on you may be wondering: “Wait won’t Hugie be discovered since he dosen’t have powers?”, especially if you watcfhed the show where the boys, minus the female, indeed don’t. In the comics though? Yeah outside of the aformentioned diffrence with MM, the rest of the boys all shoot up with compound v to

So yeah in a book decrying superheroes.. the main characters are a bunch of superepowered beings playing black ops judge jury and executioner who are only sympathetic because their facing WAY worse cardboard cutouts, and even then not by much. Clearly Ennis only has a problem with superheroes who have a “pretense” of being good people but flawed anti heroes who murder reguarly are a-ok. Then again his biggest mainstream book and faviorite hero is the punisher, so it shoudln’t be that suprising that when given the chance his version of the punisher “Is like him but he can kick them in the balls and not just shoot them off”. And yes that’s something punisher actually did, but i’m saving that for later.

Issue 24:

So we open the issue and the G-Whiz boys are all singing Louie Louie. In 2008

Come on Garth everyone knows all the teens were still groving to this...

youtube

2 years later and still straight fire. Anyway, we then cut to Mother’s Milk whose investgating the scene of Silver’s Suicide, running into the cop who found her who runs his creditinals since you know, Voight faked some earlier that week, gotta be careful.

So the G-Frat Bros show Hughie around tellin ghim he dosen’t have to use codenames. We also meet Blowchowski, whose a parody of Blutarski from animal house. In that he’s literally just Bluto from animal house with no real change other than wearing a panty on his head. I think my thoughts on this can be best summed up in gif form.

So being immature twits, the guy showing Hugie around shows him to the porn room they have and asks if he wants to jerk off.

At the Legend’s Comic Book Store Basment Lair, I may hate this comic but I still love a job that lets me say shit like this on a regular basis, Butcher visits and we get some exposition on how the fuck he got in there: The Legend faked the necessary papers for Voght, which will be given to Goodkin who will pass it off to a G-Man who can’t be arsed to actually look into it, thus giving them time before they contact Voght and realize they didn’t actually send Hughie. Butcher also came down because frankly he dosen’t trust Raynor: She visited in person and while he knows she WANTS him to think she just wanted to fuck him, he shockingly didn’t fall for it and instead thinks there’s something she’s not telling him.

Back in the small town, MM finds out from the pop at a local mom and pop store that the place used to be a lot of things.. including an ice cream parlor at one ponit... and said store was exactly where Silver was starring. When asking the sheirff if she came from here he admits there’s never been an orphanage, but she COULD’VE come from here he just has to check records... there will be a lot but as MM says “I”m one patient motherfucka”

Less awesome is back at G-Delta Chi, where unsuprisingly it turns out the strangest frat of all... is the one sending homophobic immature prank calls to the Seven, the latest being just Blowchowski farting into a phone.

We do get a genuinely funny moment though right after as X-Frator ask Hughie to do a call.. just as annie answers.

We get a nice interlude with Frenchie and The Female, with Hughie letting Frenchie know he’s heading up to the big house while Frenchie let’s the Female know he knows she’s been killing mobsters to relieve her bloodlust, and while a mite condesending about it isn’t going to let butcher know as he knows better than to tell that shithead anything.

The issue ends with the frant bros frat bros coming Goodkind’s way and with the G-Men greeting them at the door.

Okay while the designs are fairly generic, I will give artist Darrick Robertson full credit for accurately parodying how goofy the x-men’s posing can get, having them all do this.. to answer the damn door. When it came to the 90′s and even the claremont era, awkard posing was just one of the x-men’s mutations and I’ts fair enough to take the piss out of that.

Also “It’s not gonna be an orgy”. Of course it’s not. .that’s the mini series after this. Not even kidding. One of Garths’ actual clever ideas honestly: Having the annual crossovers really be a smokescreen for the supes to have a big orgy. Honestly more intresting than most crossover events i’ll give him that. I mean maybe we woudln’t need an orgy but a big party with all the super heroes sounds way better than “Venoms generic goth vampire dad is evil and stuff”

Issue 25: We open with two Voght execs talking shop, the current head of Vought American who I’m not sure has a name and James Stillwell, who works directly with the Seven and showed up in a previous arc peddling compound V to the russian mob, which resulted in a didlo based plane explosion, a giant dicked russian beating some people in the face, and butcher head exploding a wherehouse full of supes. Why?

So it’s then Hughie meets Groundhawk, the G-Men’s version of Wolverine. Behold the full and vast complexity of his character:

Yeahhhh there’s a lot to unpack here. So starting off the outfit isn’t remotely similar to wolverin’es aside from the mask which is some weird combination of Wolverine’s and Hawkman’s. What do Marvel’s Wolverine and DC’s Hawkman have in common besides wearing masks, kciking ass and being kind of grumbly and standoffish?

Like it’s barely any comparison. Secondly instead of claws he has hammers for hands.

This confuses me to NO end. Did.. did he really have NOTHING he could do with the finger claws? People have been making fun of those for YEARS. Shiskabobs, having them be forks, even x-men the animated series, an actual x-men product had this

When an ACTUAL X-Men Product has wolverine carving up some turkey casually and all you can think is stop hammer time, maybe your just not cut out for comedy Garth. And given his other works since have been dead serious, he clearly agrees.

Then there’s the name: Groundhawk. Besides the STILL baffling decision to merge Wolverine and Hawkman, which is somehow NOT the most disturbing fusion that’s happened to Carter..

There are SO many animals to go with: Mongoose, Racoon, Possum, Landshark, Badger, Badger Badger, Mushroom MUSHROOOM, Snake (A snake), swordfish, the alps, Atari Lynx, Atari Jaguar, Kitty Boo Boo Fuck. All of these would’ve been better than “Groundhawk, including just calling him groundhog! Wolverine’s name is not that complicated, making fun of him by giving him a sillier animal is the EASEIST joke you could make and one of the most satisfying. GAH.

Finally there’s the simple fact that Ennis has gone FAR harder on wolverine before. As research I read some of Ennis other work to get a good gage, and to specifcally gage how much he apparently hated wolverine, as unlike Captain America (And yes he REALLY hates Captain America for “making a mockery of the troops”... despite being created by two former serviceman, being loved by serviceman then and now and you having never served a day in your life, Garth), I couldn’t find a record. So I read issues 16 and 17 of his second punisher series, the one before MAX, and the confederacy of dunces arc that closed out said series by having superheroes try and fail to stop frank. And well yeah not only does he REALLY hate Logan.. but when writing the ACTUAL character his writing was so bafflingly insane and off character, so utterly trying to tear said character down, that mere words cannot describe it.. so instead here’s a montage of panels. Feel free to play this certain song used by LInkara that popped into my head when reading these moments for mood. Or don’t. Either wayyy...

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As you can see when Ennis writes the ACTUAL canon wolverine with these stories so far not rectconned out, he writes him as a blithering catcphrase spewing idiot who can’t do anything, who Garth’s boy Punisher gets to humiliate again and again, including SHOOTING HIM IN THE BALLS because he’d “get in the way”. Yes the nigh unstoppable former samurai, secret agent, and all around badass who can heal and has unbrekable claws is going ot get in the way of the unhinged man whose powers are “military guy who owns a LOT of guns”.

While Garth did go out of his way to actually give Wolverine’s KNockoff a character the character assaination parade he had with the ACTUAL wolverine just makes it come off as laughably tame. You HAD FRANK CASTLE SHOOT THE REAL WOLVERINE IN THE NUTS. You can’t top that in terms of insutling the character, to the point he’d make sure to have Butcher actually do that to Soldier Boy, take a wild guess who he’s refrencing, next arc.

So Hugie gives Goodkin his papers, who predictably passes them off to Critter. Critter is their best analogue except instead of being erudite he’s just really harry and REALLY homophobic, reguarly taking shots at fellow teammate The Divine, the angel analogue whose gay. Which baffles me since the X-Men actually HAD a gay member by the time this comic came out, Northstar, and instead he picked Warren because, if I had to guess , “Well he looks the most like a homosexual so...” I also find it ironic given one of the OG5 would be retconned as closeted evenutally with Iceman. And i’ts not lead time either this came out in 2008 SIX YEARS after Northstar joined the team. It just shows that Garth’s research didn’t go beyond flipping through a few issues of xmen while at marvel and going “Well gee they probably blow goats”

So the G-Mutants decide to go grab a beer. Something I want to bring up before we get to their actual conversation: NONE of these guys resemble actual x-men characters. The only MAYBE one is Buzzcut, the leader who looks like Cannonball, but again it feels like Garth read a handful of x-men and related comics or picked a few characters off Wikipedia and was done with it.

So we find out that the older G-Men don’t like the G-Neration X all that much, shocker and as many have worry about G-Coast and G-Style showing up to the funeral. Oh boy... these guys. Okay so instead of modeling a team after x-factor or bringing in the hinted at g-brits, aka excalibur or doing anything else... two of the teams are G-Coast and G-Style, based on the east coast west coast rap fued and the deaths of two-pac and biggy. Yes really. Not only is this mildly stupid and nonsenical it gets DOWNRIGHT RACIST soon enough. .but we’ll get to that. Five-Oh comes in and he’s the cyclops parody... and he’s a cop for some reason. Because Scott Summers is kind of straight edge and has a visor? He also is mad about Silver because welll i’ll let him tell it...

“Hehehe GET IT BECAUSE JEAN DOSEN’T SLEEP WITH CYCLOPS AND WANTS WOLVERINE GET IT GET IT GET IT” My god if your going to spend 8 fucking issues on one team, you THINK you’d have more than the most surface level fratbro bullshit to make fun of them. God damn. Also just to pedantically twist the knife, Scott and Jean famously had this scene during the dark phoenix saga, aka one of the x-men’s biggest stories.

There’s also the fact New X-Men had a whole storyline about the fact Scott was th eone not wanting sex so.. yeah is this petty. A little? Do I want to blast Garth for not doing ANY research and pandering to peopple who don’t actually like superheroes instead of doing his damn job and doing any actual research, absolutley.

So we get another cut back to Mother’s Mlik whose found no Silver Kincaid, but figured it was a long shot.. he’s really looking for Uncle Paul. He and the cop shoot the shit with Marvin explaning why he got into his line of work, the cop thinks he’s cia... which given their they contract the boys out..

So back with Hughie he’s taking a piss when he runs into Nubia their Storm fill in, whose been talked about before in the story and is currently wondering around like a zombie saying Killlll meeee which naturally freaks Hugie out. This requires a bit of boys lore to explain: In this world comic ressurections do happen.. but they don’t last long and as you can tell are NOT pretty. The subject comes back braindead, as the body heals but the brain can’t, incoherent and while retaining SOME semblance of their old life and goals, it’s not enough to make them functional> This was demonstrated when Blarney Cock, yes BLARNEY COCK, was killed by Hugie in the first arc only to return with the goal of shoving his hamster back up his ass.

My thoughts exactly. This brings up an issue with the boys comic in general: it REALLY dosen’t treat women well. It’s female characters are a sterotypical silent asian murder machine, an innocent who while not a bad character gets fucked with constantly, a wonder woman expy who spends most of her time drunk or fucking and is STILL one of the more actually intresting supes, a Laura Kenney Expy whose on the teen titans for some reason and cuts herself because ‘THAT’S EDGY RIGHTTTT”, and now, a Jean Grey expy who dies as a plot device and a storm expy whose a suffering zombie. Every supe team has maybe one woman at the lest, two at most when most super teams generally have at LEAST two , usually three. While me are usually the wost with debachary it dosen’t mean women can’ tbe awful or that isn’t an agnle he coudl’ve explored , but since that’d require effort beyond “their kind of a dick and MIGHT have some unique gimmick like pulling a Cousin Walter”, of course he didn’t.

So Goodkin comes in and has.. Europo take her away. Europo.. EUROPO.

Like with Wolverine and Cyclops THAT’S the best nightcrawler parody name you had. Europo. It sounds like a silver age superman one off character.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF .. EUROPO, EUROPES SUPER MAN! CAN HE SUPLEX A GIANT WHALE BEFORE IT KILLS LOIS?

When questioned WHY keep her in this state of living death< Goodkin explains “because she’s my child, their all my children”

So with that we get an interlude with Monkey. Monkey is Raynor’s subordinate and the boy’s liason. He’s called that for two reasons: because he once got fucked in the ears by two mutant monkeys, I wish I was kidding, and because he’s Butcher’s personal butt monkey, who he tortures and terrroizes on a seemingly daily basis, caling him during his off hours time and in their first scene on panel, pulling the poor guy out of his office to torment him.

Now granted Monkey isn’t exactly a LIKEABLE guy, he has a fetish for paraplegic women which is later revealed to be because he assumes their helpless.. when he tries raping one only to learn that , no the fuck they aren’t and get his ass kicked as he deserves, and the guy is frequently seen with his hand shoved down his pants. But it’s STILL FUCKING QUESTIONALE to have a white man basically enslave a man.. who as I neglected to mention, is POC.

How could DC, who published this book before it’s current and forever punisher Dynamite, and then Dynamite themselves look at this and go “This is okay”. what the actual fuck?

So a handicapped prostitue comes to his door and he dose’nt question this at all, while Hugie prepares for bed and instead accidently walks into a circle jerk to very vanilla porn from the other guys. Hugie’s response to this is my own

So the issue ends with the prostitute getting frustrated an dleaving, telling MOnkey’s “Friend he can hav ea refund” also she’s not really paraplegic. Eh. Monkey puts two and two together and when entering his apartment finds his hard drive gone and we end on Butcher sauntering down the road singing with a bag at his side clearly containing said hard drive.

Issue 26:

Our last issue for this part, I decided to split it into two as this one is way too long to do as just one and I overestimated how much I could summarize, begins with Hugie leaving the frat for the day. He tries to talk Butcher into getting to stay longer as Hugie’s realized something: these are’nt BAD guys. Immature as shit sure, but they’ve been fed into Goodkind’s machine for so long Hugie figures he can stop them before they become G-Men and turn into an even worse problem. Butcher in one of his far more humanizing moments, tells Hugie to follow his nose and keep going as he did good on the Swingwing case. He also tells him no supe is good because of course he does.

So while Hugie is plesantly suprised by Annie and Butcher orders his dog to rape a cat for his own amusment.

We cut to the G-Men... and get an ACTUALLY funny and amusing bit of satire. I know after Groundhawk and europo i’m stumped Ennis actually knows anything about X-Men other than Wolverine’s nuts are vunerable, but we get some actual on point parody, making fun of Charles Xavier’s penchant for big sweeping speeches... which has never remotely died and in the hickman era only balloned awesomely.

I... really can’t stop laughing at this. It’s genuinely funny, applying Charles grand declarations of mutantkind.. to fucking brunch. This is what I wish this series had more of.

Critter DOES end up showing some intelligence during the brunch, and once again his homophobia towards Divine and Flamer.... yes FLAMER.

But Critter despite being an ass does have a point.. not about the homphobia, he can fuck himself with pink glitter incrusted rake for that, I mean about the expansion: the more teams they have, the worse security gets, as evidenced by the fact the boys were able to sneak in a member called bagpipe with no real danger. Goodkind understands.. but says he just can’t help hi mself, another creepy hint for the future.

So after a really cute and sweet scene with Annie and Hugie who just had sex outside and are just.. precious together, we get back to butcher.. who is UTTERLY HORRIFIED AND SUPRISED by what he finds on the hard drive. Given this is Monkey’s hard drive, that could be a lot of things but it’s clearly G-Men related.

Mother’s Milk meanwhile finds not Paul.. but Pauls’ brother, but wants to know why THE Paul shot himself and after some reistance is let in.

Back at Goodkin Manor, Divine proves he’s not much better than Critter by throwing around a bunch of stertoypes and othe rbullshit as G-Coast and G-Style are arriving soon, and the whole team joins in.

So with that one of the two teams arrives, and we cut to Butcher who says he’s going to have to kill a c-word over what he’s found.

That does it for part 1. Tune in next time to find out just what goodkin is hiding, if Hugie can save G-Whiz, and just how horribly racist g-coast and g-style are. If you enjoyed this review please consider joining my patreon whic hhas exclusive reviews and even for just 1 buck a month you get a FREE REVIEW ON SIGNUP. So if you have any x-men you want me to cover or any other boy syou want me to dig into, please consider it and i’ll see you at the next part.

Update: Now i’ts finished you can find part two RIGHT HERE

#x-men #the boys #garth ennis #dynamite entertainment #billy butcher #marvin milk #frenchie #kimiko miyashiro #Hugie Cambell #groundhawk #wolverine #starlight #annie january

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