#or if I need a break from school lol
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Haikyuu g/t fic when
heck should I post it as a part 1 and part 2? It has maybe 1000+ words right now, but I've been so busy with college and such. I want to write it in a certain way but also writer's block exists and I have it... Lmk if I should post the first part as is because I just have not been writing as of late
#g/t#haikyuu#SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE WAS WAITING#Maybe not this weekend but next I'll try to write?#or if I need a break from school lol#we'll see#haikyuu g/t#nyimsasks
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I feel like ? I gotta remind people itās ok to unfollow a blog when it upsets you in any way >> like if I ever do that sure, you can let me know if it was anything I did personally Iād appreciate it but if you just donāt enjoy something itās ok to unfollow ;w; canāt stress enough how important it is to put your mental health first š
#pix habla#fnaf#āØš even if you donāt like frogs and I post about frogs does that make sense#i see some yall not liking some of the stuff I draw and just kinda wonder ? why you still follow lol#i wonāt take it personally#even if itās a mutual heck Iāve even told my friends to unfollow if they ever need a break from my blog =w=š#because Itās nothing personal >>#i used to ok so funny story xD I used to follow a friend in middle school on social media#and we were good friends but had nothing in common in what we posted about =w=#like she loved Beatles fanfics (donāt ask do not ask idk I didnāt read past the titles)#and i loved sonic :v#and like#thats aigh ? you donāt gotta ? follow a blog that doesnāt bring joy no matter if youāre close or not#i would honestly hate it if Iām making anyone upset or unhappy#so yeyeyeye Iāve said this before in other fandoms but like >>)āØāØš put š your mental health ššš FIRST ALWAYSš#Stay safe yāall āØš have fun be free#weāre all justā¦ sitting hereā¦ online š aināt nothing to it
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Arranged marriage AU with Barbarian Bakugou who is so daunting to be around at first. Heās all gruff curses and broad shoulders and scarred cheeks and neck and jaw. He scowls constantly, stares at you while your parents auction you off like some show pig, but doesnāt say much to you besides a grunt of his name. Youāre terrified, thinking that heāll be cruel to you, that youāre being set up for a life full of unhappiness and terror and regret.
But heās the exact opposite. Bakugou is gentle in ways a man of his size typically wouldnāt be, but he shrinks himself for you. Not in a way that diminishes his status as the newly appointed king, but to respect you, show you that youāre beside him instead of behind him.
He picks you berries on his hunts because he knows the smell of a fresh kill brings nausea to your stomach. You find him along with the other maidens and helpers around his village, sitting beside them, big fingers holding tiny little flowers that he weaves into a crown for you. When he sets it on your head, he purses his lips, mutters something under his breath in his language that youāre still not too familiar with, but sure it means something along the lines of pretty and soft.
And when he finds you bathing in the river only few have access to, heās sweet the whole time. Doesnāt make a spectacle of you being naked, and is relieved when you donāt instantly cower when he wades his way over to you. You try not to stare at the clawed scars that decorate his pec and jaw when he stands above you, and it helps when he suddenly dumps water all over your head. He shushes you when you splutter, continues on with cupping his hands and letting the water run off of your hair and down your shoulders, scrubbing at your skin until your flesh squeaks. He doesnāt expect you to do the same for him, but he hums in satisfaction when you push him down a little lower so you can wash the crown of his head.
#I donāt think Iāve ever actually written a full blown barbarian bkg fic which should be a crime#bc there are so many good ideas for it#but Iāve been struggling with writing creatively so I will put this idea as a full fic on the back burner for now lol#in the drafts for another 8 months! āš»#sorry Iām lying Iām about to write it rn aidsjdhdjf#anyway interaction has been so low and that doesnāt help with the low energy level when it comes to writing#I do it for myself but itās a little sad when it feels like Iām talking to myself since I do that enough already lmfao#itās the beginning of the semester tho so I GET IT bc Iām struggling to read too#this semester isnāt even all that hard but Iām so mentally checked out from school that everything is so much more complicated than need be#I just need a really long break to find myself#feels like Iāve been on go for a few months straight now#okay bye my stomach started cramping really bad which is a single to take my ass to bed lmfao#ānew treat in the streets! š«#bakugou treats! š¬
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sorry to keep personal posting but my day fucking SUCKED and ended with me dropping one of my brand new earrings from a set that I just finished cleaning down the drain, took the sink apart and still couldnāt find it š
if yāall feel like asking a leverage/misc question for thoughts or headcanons Iād love to answer them in the morning! or even if you just want to say something about your day- I just like hearing from you guys š
#or ask me abt my lockwood & co hyperfixation/chat w me about the show#and how I have been egged on my a moot to pursue my cot3 hunger games au (I have never finished a longfic)#(was bored at lunch break and wrote a portion of the berry scene š)#boss still owes me more than 2.5k and has been gaslighting me and continues to emotionally manipulate me and my coworkers#and cause serious shit that triggers clients in a THERAPY CLINIC#and has started second guessing my work by asking other employees if my input is āaccurateā#which caused a flare up in my skin picking AND latent SI#ugh sorry for rambling yall I just need to write this out yk#I need a fucking sugar mommy or something ššš I need to get out of this mentally/financially abusive job#not leverage#ask me things#jackie talks#about me#mine#this is the worst place Iāve worked which doesnāt necessarily say too much because I havenāt had many jobs#but one of my former bosses was a [redacted school shooting] denier when we were literally 20 min away from where it happened#which still boils my blood to this day LIKE WDYM YOU THIBK THE GOVERNMENT PAID OFF PARENTS AS A PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO INFLUENCE GUNCONTROL#she would tell a new hire āJ doesnāt like conspiracy theoriesā#NO [redacted] I CAN DISCUSS THEM FOR FUN IN CONVERSATIONS BUT URS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS#EAT A DICK#hmmm I wonder if I still have anger about that lol#ANYWAYS I finally got my intake after waiting 8mo for the clinic I needed to get in and will be starting therapy in a few weeks#š«”š«”š«”
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Iām gonna be out most of the day bc Iāll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so Iām going to be super duper exhausted
I donāt do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like Iām gonna pass out, and if the shopping isnāt gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc itās gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I donāt say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! š£)
#But yeah :)#hopefully Iāll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (įµāį“ā)#lol Iām trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informativeā#Edit: uh so I donāt know whatās wrong with me this morning#But itās already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself itās selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk Iām just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didnāt help it just made me feel worse#I donāt wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I donāt think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I donāt wanna do this I really font#I think Iām breaking down#Yeah Iām breaking down#<- thatās dramatic Iām sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I canāt mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I donāt want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I canāt just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I donāt wanna go and Iād cry-#-in front of him and I donāt wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#š¾#<- atp itās a vent#Edit 3: Iām trying really hard ace but petting my dog isnāt working
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okay fr this time guys, i'll be taking a short tumblr break! i might hop on to like some stuff but any reblogs will be in my queue for probably end of the week/weekend/next week, and i'll queue some ask answers as well if anyone wants to send stuff in!
#ill probably respond to messages/replies and stuff#but im thinking that if im only queueing stuff ill get bored and not stay on tumblr for as long#i think my mental health could use a break from here and i reallyyy need to get my priorities straight with school and everything lol#idk when ill be back but im forcing myself to stay away until at least friday if not saturday but ill be out all day saturday#so maybeee ill be back sunday#it really depends on how much i enjoy or hate this hiatus lol
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sunday six ā
tagging @four-white-trees @passthroughtime @overdevelopedglasses @skysquid22
decided to get back to my itokura-kitakata fic again! here's the two of them arguing about whether romance belongs in mystery fiction, lmao
āThereās no objective way of reading a text, and no objective way of interpreting one either. āObjectivityā is just an idea made up by boring people who think mystery fiction should be logic puzzles and nothing else. If thatās what you want from mystery, just do a crossword or something. Intellectual stimulation, with no frills. Thatās what you want, right?ā
āUgh, youāre just impossible.ā Itokura threw her hands up in the air. āYou donāt get it.ā
He leaned closer, focused. āWhat donāt I get? It sounds like youāre the one who doesnāt understand.āĀ
āYou donāt understand the beauty of an elegant trick. All this extra stuff just obscures it. Itās cheap.ā She raised an eyebrow. āAnd what are you saying I donāt get? Love? And youāre saying that you do?āĀ
Kitakata floundered at that. He forced himself not to glance over to where YagamiĀ was at the computer, talking to Amasawa, lest he make everything obvious to Itokura. Besides, he wouldnāt know what heād do if he found Yagami looking right back at him, listening to their conversation.Ā
āThatās not what I was saying.āĀ
āThen are you going to explain what you meant, or are you going to keep beating around the bush?āĀ
#sunday six#feels good to get back to this one after taking a break!#this is like. the single kuwagami moment in this fic (most of the fic takes place before yagami is even around)#but i've been itching to write out this idea for ageeeeees and it feels good that i finally have#not just them arguing. but kitakata being embarrassed about being called a romantic when yagami is like. right there. lol#this is gonna be a multi chapter fic though i wasnt planning on it#but the pacing and relationship needed breathing room. and i'm happy so far#have been thinking of chapter names for the stuff that's done! and that's also fun!#the name for chapter 1 rn is ācool teacherā which is. what kitakata wants to be. lol#how lame of him...#i should keep that chapter name cause it makes me laugh#it's looking like 6 chapters right now#6 chapters of itokura cockblocking kitakata from a book from the library. beautiful#something intensely hilarious to me about writing a multichapter fic where kitakata tries to get itokura to come back to school. and fails#then yagami does it in One Afternoon š
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i changed my mind, moving sucks (<- is in the cleaning up and getting rid of things step in the moving process)
#šŖ.text#right now i'm working on going through my art binder to consolidate shit#bc right now i have two#the one i had in high school. and another one i got where i put a LOT of my old art#(this one is also a nicer and sturdier binder)#so i am moving everything from the high school art binder to the other one#but since i'm going through it i also have to take pictures of some of it for uploading to toyhouse#i've been at it for almost two hours#right now i'm taking a lunch break#but fuuuuck man.#then i'm gonna have to edit all these photos bc even tho they don't show up dark on my camera#for some fucking reason they do on my laptop#at least last time i did this they did#it feels like such a waste to use all the tools to get good lighting#when i ultimately still end up needing to edit the photo to be lighter/brighter anyway#ugh#also we aren't like Actually moving yet. we haven't found/secured a house#this is just the preparation part lol#and it suuuuucks#i have so much shit i need to go through aghhh
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tbh when mitski said āyouāre my best friend/now iāve no one to tell/how i lost my best friendā
#my freshman year of college my best friend and I were both a wreck#and on opposite sides of the country#during winter break I made the decision to share certain information with their parents bc I was actively concerned for their safety#they were deeply upset about me betraying their trust like that and asked for a break in our friendship#(a few months later (which happened to be early March 2020. lol) they did shrooms and realized they wanted to talk to me again lmao)#(so we talked and cried and now weāre still best friends almost 4 years later)#and my birthday is in january so it fell right in the middle of the period we werenāt talking#and my friends at school actually put together a really lovely party and it remains to this day the best bday party ive had#(most of my bdays have been sad and shitty lol)#but i just remember being drunk in my friends dorm room with my friends all around me#it was the end of the night people were just kinda chatting in little groups or whatever#and i was lying on my friends bed just miserable bc all I could think about was how my best friend was supposed to be there too#bc my parents were going to fly them out for the weekend as a present#and obviously that just got dropped#and id been talking to my friends about it kind of but all I wanted was my actual best friend#I left them a very embarrassing drunk voicemail that THANK GOD they deleted without listening to#but itās just. the quiet agony of being angry and sad and hurt because your person doesnāt want to be ur person anymore#and still wanting to talk to them about it. still needing them to comfort you and give you their advice and insights#i donāt want to talk to anyone else about it. theyāre not you.#sigh. anyway. ive actually lost several close friends for various reasons ranging from reasonable to bullshit#and it always blindsides me how much I want to talk to THEM about it#so thanks mitski for expressing that so artfully#op
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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all these coding classes lately remind me that i gotta work on my website sooner or later...
#now that im actually taking school courses for html/css im realizing its notttt that bad#like its Frustrating as hell but im better than i thought i was. thats for sure#I WOULDVE worked on my site earlier this year i just got hit by irl shit. yknow how it is#anyway i want to talk here more. i have so many thoughts and i have so little time to dump them.......aaaaaaaa#guess i had to take a step away from using the internet too much. and that break lasted for. What. A few years now LOL#i need to post more of my art here.. havent posted my art to tumblr since 2022 i dont think.."???? Mental illness sorry#ANYWAY ig going out of my way to talk to ppl outside my friendgroup more has done me wonders mentally. bc now im not feeling shy/Scared#like. at all anymore#also im moving next year so hopefully thatll give me the energy to work on stuff again!#chat.txt#ohyeah i need to like. redo my blog theme + work on toyhouse page a bit more#ok gn
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Lately my dash is full of the terror content which reminds me of when earlier this year i went with my brother to norway and visited the fram museum and there was a part dedicated to failed polar expeditions which made me go "oh that's awful! Thank god i will never experience this" which alas turned to be grim foreshadowing because like three days later i experienced a similar thing by virtue of the abisko plateau road getting broken while we were on the bus and getting stuck there for ten hours in the dark in the middle of a snowstorm with ~50 other people
#the whole situation was managed awfully as in the driver called the road to notify of the accident only five hours in and after#we banded together to quite literally force him to do that. my brother had started breaking down and told me#we needed to get off the bus and return to narvik by foot (impossible as well. snowstorm in the night and the fact we#were kilometers away from it) i started sobbing hysterically at one point#there was a cute baby i played with but afrer a while it also contributed to the breakdown bcs i was like oh shes gonna freeze to death too#to this day i just feel extremely uneasy going on these types of buses especially when they stay#with their motors on but without moving idk how i pulled during the greece school trip (ok i did have. a panic attack but i calmed down)#also did i mention my gums started bleeding from cold + stress??? awful awful event#tho its a fun story to talk about. how many people can tell you the time they got stranded at ~250 kms from the start of north pole???#also when they finally rescued us they displaced us in this high end hotel which was. nice. slept exhausted#i also dont think seeing the abisko plateau and its wind turbines mid snowstorm by the day#wouldve been as half as cathartic without considering the day before's nightmare#so as one can tell. i have vry mixed feelings on this experience LOL
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Wow, today has been. Rough. Was working on school stuff for about 10 hours straight. Woke up early to work on my essay (and stayed up late to work on my essay), so I only got Maybe 5 hours of sleep... and then I went to class, where I worked on my project due on Wednesday. It's mostly done. Then I sat and wrote for nearly 6 hours straight. Did finish the essay. Missed the time to turn it in today though. So I emailed my professor and asked if it'd be fine to turn it in tomorrow. And also offered to send a digital copy if he'd like. No reply yet, but it'll probably be fine.
I am... so, so tired...
#speculation nation#but the biggest thing is out of the way...#i also have to do a reflection thing tonight. im going to at least eat and rest first.#and i have an assignment due tomorrow around 1:30 (probably).#ive written all the words i have to write today so thatll have to be done in the morning. Wooo waking up early again.#gonna try to go to sleep earlier too tho to offset it.#then i have presentation on wednesday... midterm for another class i Think? this week. need to check on that.#and then normal weekly reflection and quiz due on friday.#guys how did i ever survive full time school while also working a job. im dying.#(i know how. I Did Bad In School. lol.)#im fuckin dying But i havent missed an assignment Yet (aside from the quiz i forgot a few weeks back)#(not to worry lowest quiz grade gets dropped. so i just have to be sure not to miss Another.)#in better news next week is october break. please please please i need it so bad#just gotta get thru this week and then i can truly rest. just a little longer
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"normal" meaning "unquestionable" & the embrace of that cropping up anywhere such as an aim to be on the unquestionable side of a Normal / Weird binary, thus surely being a comfortable effortless indelible version of Good that stems from "just be normal"
ppl out here like freud 2.0 where well they had the sufficiently normal Nuclear Household family(tm) experience so they're sufficiently normal for it, versus the weirdos who had the Questionable family times so as to end up with Issues, surely unlike all those who are Family Issue free, i.e. normal, no question. like how also Going To School is Normal, so of course there's that idea that anyone who didn't go to school normal style or did but Did That Wrong are the people made Weirder with Issues. & when what's Normal is what's Good is what's Unquestionable it's like why would i need to question it when it's so normal? why wouldn't some rando asshole nepo man be Meritous & Good at business when he's so Successful at it. speaks for itself, same as Your role of being treated entirely differently does, this can't be questioned, blame it on your own failures; again how the supposedly "questionable" experiences (unlike other ones, which need no Legitimate questioning) are pathologized like. people talking about disabled ppl's lacking "social skills" being this meaningful Driver of ableism just like poor people's lacking "financial literacy" being that darn cause of classism & resource extraction, the already Questioned vulnerable [you're just doing it wrong / failing] people are the cause of their own mistreatment, Normal people who are so socially & financially successful are helpless, this victim blaming (can't question it. Normal) sure totally doesn't speak to abuse being "normal" as well
which, good thing abuse totally isn't Normal i.e. in the territory of unquestionable things (with, obviously, the idea that Abuse (Real abuse, if you like) must be Exceptional in addition to, if not to Really be, "obviously" questionable) since if something can't be questioned then surely it's also How Things Were In The Beginning, Are Now, & Ever Shall Be (catholic prayer paraphasing re: god, for referential context) & there's just nothing to do but invest in & play into it For Success & resent / punish / try to eliminate disruption, like people just existing but doing it Weird, c'mon, be a better person please, obviously....meanwhile people out here approaching queerness in a way that accepts & acts according to the unquestionable normal of abuse of queerness, such that oh the "abnormality" of being queer (that is, "normal" people's abuse in the face of awareness of queerness) is unquestionable, such that Oh No, investment in that abuse now & forever world without end amen, & now punching down on the people who are just Being Weird & Disrupting this embrace of the norm: radfems invested in "all bodies will be classed as men & women & the former abuse the latter" & hate women who already disrupt this premise; pointing out ace exclusionism as terf logic just applied in the different context where queer vs nonqueer binary is neatly detected just as the gender binary is & people who already prove that & the way it's defined is not the case are the real problems, infiltrating Unquestionable (Normal) Queerness & delegitimizing it i.e. being The Cause of e.g. homophobic abuse, which will also unquestionably exist, so if we're gonna blame someone as Needing To Change it'll have to be uhhh already also affected Weird people who are ruining things, they're the Real causes of this abuse, so they're basically men, basically cis, basically straight. boooo to trans ace bi pan aro nonbinary gnc people....hardest to be binary gender "same sex" "romantic" "visible" Truly Queer couple currently holding hands in public or in front of family, & it's You Mfs who make it harder, not, yknow, the people who were already always embracing & perpetuating the abuse bolstering Normal(tm) Cishet Just Being Normal. and of course don't forget going after poly people & others disrupting / not accepting premises about Unquestionable Relationship Structures/Requirements. so not just being normal
also the beloved concept broken out that, of course, Being Normal = Being Good, b/c hello, unquestionable?? where it's like meaningless ideas that abuse is Abnormal like ":( hurt people hurt people" (inherently a framing to counter any response to [person is hurting me] that's not silent secret sympathy forever i guess. nobody's using this catchphrase to argue for Hey Quick let's all intervene to stop someone being hurt, lest they go on to hurt anyone themselves) like & yet everyone is hurt, yet not everyone is doing shit where these arguments are broken out after they're already getting away with nonsense & we're telling others to just stop complaining, while also not everyone isn't getting shit on for being "disruptive" & perchance the real hurtful problems for trying to Stop being shitted on, or just have a little more breathing room to day to day live while it happens. everyone's hurt bitch let's get you some "what's the actual patterns & context of supported power imbalance made emergently evident by whose choices & life are constrained & undermined & made smaller" like. or the expanded idea as that well all abuse comes from Being abused, i.e. the Cycle, never mind that abuse is everywhere as per its being Normal, & nobody's intervening every time it manifests despite its supposed exceptionality thus rareness & supposed indication that someone's Being abused to cause it. just gotta roll with it, wow. & pathologize being victim to it, abuser in the making, Vulnerable People are dangerous, those insulated & given more access to systemically backed power in an oh so Normal way are surely oh so Safe as well. the very rich families are all lovely havens. the abused people are treated so well & embraced & supported by all the more Normal people they encounter, certainly not Also isolated, bullied, victim blamed by these Normal friends family coworkers new partners randos in public randos who are "professionals"
but yknow uh literally just be normal lol. aaand post. and like "lol being Anti Being Normal? just like a weirdo" like yeah of course. and what, i'm gonna try to win the heart & mind of someone like "of course you have blue hair & pronouns" & convert them, as would definitely happen if only all transgenderists were Normal about it? and the perspective of "what Unquestionable Good is ever actually coming from striving to get to point at Others as Weird" involves going like "nooo i wanna see myself & be seen as Just Being Normal" instead of like having ideas / arguments about how to be considerate towards people which can be articulated in any other way & involve effort & said consideration (ft. anything able to be questioned)
#but i think we all agree that ppl pointing & going ''ugh poly shit ruining everything'' or ''aplatonic?? lmfao'' are heroes AND le epic#always feel free to circle around too to bi ppl who are Totally Basically Cishet AND Worse Enemies Really Than. Anyone Cishet#and i'm sure the ace exclusionism never ends for plenty of ppl. keep the logic but go ''oh well it's just still not That big a deal''#the experiences of being more vulnerable & exposed to exploitation of that? are the drivers of Deviation. your weird issues#MY blessed normativity. had enough of Family Friendship Romance that was all surely pleasant enough#popular enough / not bullied enough at school. i am now a good person based on vibes b/c to be Hurting anyone? well i would Know#why not go talk to the rando who was like ''racism is over b/c i have never invoked like Hey. White Person To White Person. give me#preferential treatment >;) & in fact now white people are Dispreferred etc etc'' ohh all the Special Treatment(tm) for Others....#again like the idea Abuse happens in some ''abnormal'' situation & simply being in ''normal'' ones will show victims the light#(already with the logic that ppl are in abusive situations b/c the victims need to Know Better & Take The Correct Actions finally)#(i.e. victim blaming / pathologize the individuals) like yeah the guarantee ppl don't just keep getting shat on is not there lol#the blessed normal ppl who are i guess natural healers i presume? Totally never ostracizing bullying & further treating as ''''weird''''#like the idea ohh autistic ppl are Bad At Interactions. oh shit interactions b/w autistic ppl go great? well uhh#then It's A Two Way Street except also being nt is Normal so autistic ppl need to ''learn social skills'' so Ableism Ends. their fault#same deal like sympathy & support from the supposed Primed To Harm fellow abused ppl?? while others are undermining & ostracizing? nahh#even getting to be ''alone'' i.e. either existing amid others but not there ''with'' anyone; or certainly Left Alone; way more Validating#and just more pleasant too like. even the abstract concept of [do xyz: with a friend group] :((( vs do it by yourself :)#''oh ppl don't want to have the Social Skills & exert the Effort to have a friend group?? that's that on Moral Failure'' Lol. truly.#good people are popular & bad people are ostracized in recognition of their unquestionably Questionable Weirdo Vibe. got their ass#if you can't / won't break something down beyond Normal/Weird. why. i'm questioninnnng....And queer.#like ''sounds just like something a Weird Ruinerrr (Disruptor) would say'' uh yeah i sure hope it does &c
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my depression is getting really really bad. like itās been bad before but this is likeā¦ consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know itās self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just donāt feel like itās going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and itās just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i donāt even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i canāt tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isnāt enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way itās like i just canāt take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and thatās the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i havenāt tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i canāt. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except thatās not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasnāt and now i look back on that#and am likeā¦ how. and will i ever not be. i donāt think so. it just feels unending
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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