#or feel free to explain why it’s actually a topic worthy of discussion and I’m just dumb

[godofstupidsentences]

Just so you know, every time you say “so who’s the real villain is tsh/I think x is the real villain in tsh”, you’re actually murdering me.

[chaoticevilbean]

Voltron Humans are Weird 3/?

Lance tugged at the suit he wore, hating it with every fiber of his being. Ever since the Alteans found out humans are mostly water, they insisted that the Paladins wear special suits that covered from their necks to their ankles to avoid a catastrophe. Allura and Shiro were to explain the situation, and arrangements would be made to let the Paladins wear normal clothes if possible. They'd been lucky so far that no one had died from something like a handshake. But the suits were skintight to avoid any water escaping too early, and Lance hated it.

It was sunny as well, so Lance desperately wanted to be free from the fabric that regulated his temperature. It made him feel constantly at a neutral point, and he just wanted to feel the blaze of heat from sunlight and bask in the warm glow. It took nearly half an hour to even get past the pleasantries and another two hours to get the arrangements set up. The humans were escorted to an open pavilion, like a gazebo, where there were several pitchers of water for the Terrans to drink, and every diplomat that came with had full-covering clothing to protect their skin. The Paladins were given a place to change, and Allura made the mistake of saying that they could wear whatever they wanted seeing as they worked so hard protecting the universe that the diplomats did all the safety work.

It wasn't a mistake to Lance, but it was to the aliens.

Lance forwent the shirt and jacket, instead putting them with his suit. He was glad he had managed to find some old Altean clothing and make shorts out of a pair of blue pants. He slipped the shorts on and sprinted back to the gazebo to find his fellow Paladins in much different attire. That is to say that they were wearing their normal clothing and Hunk was the only one to not wear the full outfit. All he'd done was take off the vest.

"Lance, what are you wearing?" Allura seemed perturbed by his lack of covering, but the Cuban ignored her, instead finally leaving the shade and flopping down on the purple space grass. It was softer than regular grass, like silk or one of those really soft blankets.  The teen hummed at the feeling of sun warming his body, soaking up every ray like a lizard.

His peace was interrupted by the screams of the diplomats and Allura. He wondered why until a guard ran forward with some sort of umbrella that held a shield all the way around the being's body. None of the aliens had been in the sun. Coran had mentioned in the briefing that the sun was out for only about a quarter of their year, meaning they had no natural adaption for the heat and radiation. The guard had almost reached Lance when the Paladin launched to his feet and took off running away from the shade. He was a Cuban boy, and he loved the sun. Humans were already terrifying, what was one more thing like this. It wasn't even that weird considering the solar cycles of Earth.

As Lance was being chased down by now several severely concerned and mildly fearful guards with umbrella shields, Pidge managed to get the diplomats to calm down by saying she was a scientist and could explain it all. Although some looked stunned that she said she was a scientist. Maybe they had social castes or something? They wouldn't understand being both a warrior and a scholar. Research for another time.

"How is the Blue Paladin handling the heat? Not even the adaptive nature of the Alteans can adjust from the shade to the scorching temperature."

"Earth has several climates. Lance is from one that is more hot and that's why his skin is darker as well. He can handle the heat just fine because he grew up with a similar temperature. Next question."

"How can he also handle the cold of the shade then? Even if he could withstand it temporarily, he should be stiff from the lower temperature, and he spent over two vargas in it."

"Humans can handle temperatures ranging from -40 to 50 degrees Celsius, which Allura can calculate better for you. We prefer the 0 to 30 degree range, and many humans can live in most climates on Earth. There aren't many places that aren't inhabited at this point, and part of that is due to our ability to adapt to new environments with relative ease. Next."

"How many climates?"

"Hundreds, next."

"What are the worst? To give us a better view of your extremes."

"Some places have active volcanos, so we have to be careful of the molten rock they spew. We have tectonic plates, which cause earthquakes and can bring down entire cities. Our Poles are extremely cold, under -60 degrees at least. Next."

"Some of you live near active volcanoes?"

"Yeah, and we swim in the nearby groundwater because it has good minerals for us. Next."

"Your planet has earthquakes? And they can level entire cities?"

"Yeah, but that's our fault. We built them on fault lines. Next."

"Did you learn your lesson?"

"Yeah, when the buildings fell down, we built them back up better than ever. Next."

"You rebuilt the cities in the same spots?"

"Yes, next."

"How did you find out your Poles were so cold? From what our scientists know of Terra, it's rather undeveloped comparatively."

"We sent people. Before you ask, yes, the first few groups died, and yes, we sent more with only slightly better equipment. Humans are curious about our world, and we'll do a lot to discover more. Next."

"Why is the Blue Paladin refusing the shade if he can handle the cold?"

"We live on the Castle, and only get a simulated version of sunlight. It's not often that we get to relax a bit and enjoy our surroundings. Lance misses the sun and its heat, so he doesn't want the shade. He wants to sunbathe, like a snake or a cat or something. Call the guards off and you'll see." The diplomats, somehow managing their fear of and for the humans and their planet, did just that.

"Lance, you're free to tan!" Hunk shouted over. Lance, trusting his bro, skidded to a halt, then let himself fall backwards. He wasn't too far from the group in the gazebo, having had to run circles around the guards. Hopefully Allura didn't notice that the guards were rather undertrained. They could barely maintain the chase! And they couldn't turn very well.

The diplomats and Allura watched with fascination as the Terran boy simply laid on the grass, eyes closed and letting the sun shine directly on him.

"Feeling better, buddy?"

"Mi hermano, we better get these allies! I'm not giving up this chance!" Hunk laughed, especially when Shiro received questions as to what Lance meant.

"He's saying he's glad you have sunlight and it's another reason that we should be allies. Mostly a joke."

"But why?"

Lance paid the conversations no mind. He only moved when Hunk yelled, "Turn!" at him. It was something they came up with so Lance never got close to burning. He would flip over whenever the call went out. The Cuban laid through the entire peace talk and treaty signing and whatnot, and groaned in displeasure when he was told it was time to go.

He was up on his feet in a second once Pidge said she'd taken some time while waiting for Allura and Shiro to finish up calculating how to fix the fake sunlight that gave them Vitamin D on the Castle. More sun, whenever he wanted, and it wasn't the weak sauce of the giant Altean ship? Yes please!

Feeling much better than before, Lance ran over to the group, refusing the shirt Hunk tried to give him. It was a halfhearted attempt, given that the Samoan knew his bro wouldn't want it in the first place. The team of Terrans headed back to the Castle, this time taking the sunny route. The diplomats and Allura remained in the shade, discussing some less political topics. One in particular came up.

"Is there any way to obtain more information about Terrans? We would never have known that the Paladins were so adaptable and biologically dangerous if you and the Green Paladin had not told us."

"Actually," Allura smiled warmly, "my advisor and I are compiling a log. 'A Guide to Humans', we titled it. I can give you viewing access, although, I must warn you. Almost all of our information is in the preliminary stage. We know next to nothing about humans and their planet, and we may find that some of the data is false. An example that recently happened was that we found Terrans have strong tolerances to quite a few poisons. But we had to update the log a second time after investigating further and discovering that only some of them have strong tolerances. Most have mild tolerances, but only a few can handle some toxins in larger amounts."

"Which poisons?"

"I believe it would be better if I simply sent you the log."

A varga later, Allura and Coran were adding a few new sections to their guide.

Due to the many different climates that somehow coexist on Earth, humans have a large range of temperatures they can tolerate, along with having the ability to adapt to a new temperature very quickly. On the Terran scale labeled 'Celsius', humans can handle temperatures from -40 to 50 degrees, with their comfortable range being about 0 to 30 degrees. Some humans prefer warmer temperatures and some prefer colder, depending on where they were raised.

To elaborate on the different climates Earth sustains, there are a few extremes that should be made known. Some populaces live near active volcanos, occasionally submerging themselves in the dihydrogen monoxide found nearby the deadly formations. They claim to do it for the beneficial properties found in the substance. Another climate is the freezing cold of Earth's poles. They are, at their warmest temperatures, 0 degrees or less. Humans, with their still young technological advancements, deemed their curiosity of the poles a worthy cause to send groups of their own people to the frozen locations. After the deaths of their initial teams, they sent more.

Earth also has tectonic plates, and earthquakes are common enough that Terrans often pass off the tremors as normal. Some cities are built on fault lines, and are damaged by larger quakes. Humans, instead of doing what most races would and relocating, rebuild their cities in the same places with better foundations.

Be receptive to suggestions a human may give about how to handle a new climate. They likely have a good knowledge of how to withstand different temperatures and how to handle the unfamiliar conditions. If a human requests specific equipment for the trip, it would be best to supply. Most Terrans will never risk the safety of themselves and others to extort the goodwill of another being. The younger a Terran is, the less likely they are to be greedy in those situations, unless the Terran is not fully matured, in which case they will not understand the circumstances well.

[yaboylevi]

Sorry if you have already answered this but why do you not like Levi anymore? I’m curious cause he hasn’t clicked with me much post time skip either but I can’t exactly articulate why

Oh boi, here we gooo! XD

Yes, I’ve been asked before, but I never replied because I got fed up with all the hate I got after speaking up about some stuff I didn’t like about him back when chapters 113-114-115 came out. Back then I entertained various anons and discussions about it, thinking we could all have a normal back and forth or agree to disagree, but I guess “Levi”, being the most popular character with such a loyal fanbase, is a touchy topic for most.

So, this is to say that if you, reader, feel offended by what I’m going to talk about in this reply, just know that I am not in search of a dialogue about it, and it’s not a personal attack to you, it’s just my opinion - that I’ve spent WAY too much time thinking about, precisely because I was one of those loyal fans and the disappointment hurt bad, and I wanted to cling to a positive opinion of him in the first place...but ultimately couldn’t. I won’t change this opinion if I’m sent aggressive asks, and I won’t change it even after friendly discussion. It just is what it is. XD Nothing personal, I swear! You’re free to enjoy this character however much you want, it just doesn’t do it for me, not anymore.

Also, let me preface this with one other thing: Levi was my favorite alongside Eren for the longest time. Due to Levi’s behavior, AND Isayama’s writing, AND some of the fandom’s most popular takes, I just started to viciously dislike him for a while. I had his name blacklisted for about a year at one point. Now I’ve calmed down, mainly because I have no expectations anymore for him, and I’ve given up on something magically turning his character enjoyable again for me personally.

That is why I can finally reply to such questions as the above (I will prob curse a bit, but I’m not mad, I swear XD). 

Anon, I hope I won’t bore you, and I hope that if you share even a little bit of my feelings, this post will clear up why you may be feeling like that about post-timeskip!Levi.

I’m gonna make a list of the major things I didn’t like about the handling of his character, but I won’t go too much in details because I feel it would become too long a post, and I would get upset all over again lol. Besides, I’ve talked about this stuff in greater depth in the past, already, in probably stronger words.

1. What broke the deal for me was his violence towards Zeke and how the fandom reacted to that, in chapter...114-15(?). I understand people hate Zeke. I don’t. I didn’t hate Levi either. I quite literally adored both. But after seeing Levi torturing mentally and physically Zeke, and the fandom cheering him on...man, I felt sick. The fandom loses its shit and calls Eren a psycho piece of shit routinely when Eren speaks in a barely threatening tone to Reiner, but Levi’s very personal angry torture is dandy.

About this point, though, it was a piling up of things. I was already royally pissed at Levi for kicking Eren on the blimp in chapter 105. It accomplished nothing, in the story, except estranging Eren even more. In the fandom, it got ereri antis pop a boner, because the hard pill to swallow is that it’s not really the shippers who like Levi being violent with Eren, it’s the antis. When chapter 105 came out, the tag was filled with people cheering on Levi kicking Eren. That’s disgusting as shit. This continues nowadays. Just to clear up I’m not making this shit up:

Anyway, moving along, about this same point, we also got Isayama putting his own spin to it. Finding it funny when at the end of Uprising, Levi kicked Jean and Eren. I mean, I didn’t think twice on it back then when I read the chapter because I filed it away as that special brand of Isayama’s humor that sometimes misses the mark, but then he explained that Levi kicked them because he was mad at Erwin. So Levi is actually a piece of shit who can’t cope and that’s...cute? Because that reminded me very clearly of [tmi] a very abusive person in my life who would get frustrated at work, keep it inside, and then throw stuff at me or hit me. That shit hurt, but death of the author and all that. I could turn a blind eye on what Isayama said at that time. Except then, after the timeskip, this side of Levi kept rearing its ugly head, and it was never addressed as bad behavior, something toxic that should change. 

Well, except that it was quite literally counterproductive in canon: it made his protegee even more distant (certainly Eren didn’t feel more inclined to talk to Levi after Levi’s poor behavior - and we know Levi cares about Eren, but Levi’s special kind of tough love is just a pretty way to call his abuse, you know). And then it literally pushed Zeke into blowing himself up, and we know where that led Levi. It would be oh so funny in its irony IF IT WAS PROPERLY ACKNOWLEDGED in the plot but...nope. (Well, we got Yelena’s comment right here, but it ultimately lead to nothing).

And it pissed me off even more, because the story is a huge commentary on this, on not perpetrating violence again and again, but it’s so lost on Levi’s character. And I think Isayama isn’t even aware. 

I’ve heard all possible excuses about this, and I just can’t change my mind. Unless Levi acknowledges it himself, which is still possible, considering the latest chapter. If he had things to say to Eren, why did he choose violence instead? He may end up reflecting on this and his regrets about Eren but I doubt, because there’s probably no time and ISYM is doing the bare minimum in regards to Levi’s relationship with Eren.

2. His extreme focus on “Killing Zeke”. Don’t get me wrong, it makes sense in light of him feeling guilt over Shiganshina. In his mind, killing Zeke would make all those soldiers’ lives worth the price they paid back then, especially Erwin’s.

And yet, I really find that it was awkwardly delivered. So much shit was going down, and all Levi ever had to say was “KILL MONKE” (which understandably became the meme it is today because it’s repetetive and cringe-worthy after so many chapters). He contributed literally nothing to the plot. A character like Levi, who had always some wise words to say, some kind of relevant commentary, who had an interesting relationship with so many other characters - Historia, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Hange, and as the 104th’s mentor - was reduced to a background character whose turn to speak came forward only when it came to just this one topic. 

He felt one dimentional. Yes, he still doesn’t want soldiers to die and feels terrible when it happens - that’s just...normal? Every single character feels that way. Same with that Ramzi scene. But, like:

> His mentorship of the 104th in such a terrible moment for all of them would’ve been so interesting to explore, especially when it comes to Mikasa and Historia (but Historia’s character treatment in the story is a whole other can of worms).

> His relationship with Hange in regards to the void Erwin left in their trio and the SC would’ve been great to develop. I particularly wanted to see Levi open up about Erwin’s true nature to Hange, especially because Hange was suffering a great deal due to constantly comparing themselves to an idealized version of Erwin. I realize that it might have been my expectations coloring my enjoyment on this one, but from a narrative pov, I feel like their relationship was sacrificed for...nothing.

> Levi’s relationship with Eren, and the shared themes of difficult choices, regrets, guilt, hope, using extreme violence to protect others, as well as the shared goal they had, freedom. The sense of betrayal and hurt that Levi experienced in regards to Eren’s action got a bit of focus, but never received a proper chapter dedicated to it (and I will go down on my little hill that Levi, Armin and Mikasa were the most attached to Eren, whose relationship also got consistently explored and developed in canon, and which was thematically relevant). All of this was thrown into a box and locked away, only to have Levi repeat the same 2 sentences about Zeke every 5 chapters or less, and have a couple choice lines about his feelings towards Eren every 20 chapters.

And what turned me off even more, is that almost nobody in fandom even felt it was off for the longest time. Until it became quite literally embarrassing and annoying recently, since the way Levi got so one-track-minded became a meme. Even the Japanese fandom got finally fed up. Too little too late. Well, not that it would’ve changed Isayama’s writing, but it felt really lonely, months ago, when I was the (seemingly) only one feeling that way.

Anyway, I think Isayama messed up the writing in this case, though it is something I felt for other characters too, such as Armin, Jean, Connie, Falco, Magath, etc. I really just feel like Isayama should’ve taken some time off to plan this final arc a little better. But again, it is what it is.

3. Well, this is really a minor thing but it’s connected to what I said until now. When I first spoke up about how I wished Levi would change, or at least acknowledge his own flaws and better himself, some people decided to indirectly throw shade at me in a very chilling way: “Adults don’t need to change, and [Levi’s] violence is okay”. Which, yikes, what a bad take, right there. Especially for such a story, where it’s almost showcased in neon letters that ADULTS NEED TO CHANGE, and take responsibility for subjecting the young cast to violence. Um. Way to miss the point. But also, even in real life... I’ve gone through enough shit in my young age to understand that adults should always challenge themselves, to better themselves. Otherwise, they will continue to hurt others and themselves. I am an adult now and I am grateful to those people who made me realize being a grown-up didn’t mean finally reaching a destination. It’s an ongoing journey of self-discovery. We are constantly changing, we can always do better, we have been fucked over by our parents or other adults when we were kids and have internalized behaviors that are probably not the best, so we should always strive to become the better version of ourselves, every day, to know ourselves, understand our flaws and fight against them where possible, acknowledge that we may not always be right, or perfect.

That’s the whole point of Shingeki, too. Just like Zeke was fucked over by the system as a kid, by his parents, by his father figure, and he became a broken man with bad coping mechanisms and behaviors that hurt others and himself, but the point is he can change, and he should, and it would be very satisfying... the same applied to Levi. He even has quite obvious parallels with Zeke, my favorite is them being stuck back as “kids” over a paternal figure and the behaviors/ideologies such figures passed down to them. Like, just because stans are fine with Levi as he is (for different reasons that I totally understand! nobody wants their favorite character to be criticized, or worse, their favorite ship to be put into question, because nowadays you can like something only if it’s perfect and pure.../s), it doesn’t mean some of his behaviors aren’t problematic and wouldn’t benefit from self-analysis and growth. Heck, I would love to see my favorite character thrive! But ISYM seems to not agree with me, even though I could see a slice of light in chapter 136, but again...too late, man XD

--- In conclusion...

I ship ereri and I love Zeke, so I am extremely biased, I know. But, as I hope you have understood by reading this waaaay too long and rambly post, it is more than that. Many things irked me. So I thought about them as objectively, and why not, subjectively, based on my reading of the world and experiences, as possible. This is my answer.

Even when I ignore the fandom’s takes about it, it is the writing of what used to be a great and interesting character that bothers me. So, yeah, I don’t like Levi much anymore. There is not much to appreciate in the first place, when it comes to his brief appearances after chapter 90, aside from nostalgia of what is lost (all the relationships that were scrapped), and a feeling of “there should be more...right?”. The truth is, Levi’s role in the story was heavily downsized. And what was left was poorly handled, in my opinion. It’s the comparison with what Levi was before that made this so disappointing, I guess.

Just look at the fact that Levi hasn’t said a single thing about the Rumbling - I had to come up with a very liberal and creative interpretation that it was actually an avoidance coping on Levi’s part in regards to Eren, and not Isayama’s poor writing. XD

Anyway, yeah. This is mostly it. Maybe this won’t resonate with you, anon, maybe it will. Let me know.

[bandomslayed]

I’m not saying you should focus more on racism, I’m just saying that that’s something that the community as a whole needs to focus on and try to repair, I’m sure they all already know that people don’t like their ships. If that’s an issue, then groups can have a strict age limit. Easy solve. The other things are things that can be taught and learned but with hostility all that’s going to happen is a deeper divide. You said you wanted to argue with people about the things you don’t like that they do in this community. I’m paraphrasing, but why not instead want to educate them. No one will ever react well to feeling like they’re being ridiculed or patronized. People worth spending your time on are the ones you can talk to without it being a shitshow. We’re having a dialogue. I’ve felt this entire time like everything I say, someone is going to search for one thing to deliberately misinterpret or magnify unnecessarily when, if there’s something that they have an issue with, it could be a perfect opportunity to educate me instead of people being hostile. I’m college educated and can think critically, I’m moderately well spoken, I’m open to instructive criticisms and discussing things that aren’t agreed upon so I’m just sort of confused by the fact that what I’m saying is being picked apart by other anons and to a degree, you. You all want to change my mind about age gaps, despite me being with someone older irl and feeling safe and genuinely valued for the first time in a relationship in my life so why do you think that calling my dead grandpa names, redirecting the conversation and then kinda mocking me when I attempt to understand wholly and agree with some of the things you’re saying? That’s not going to convince me or anyone else. It just makes people feel defensive. Reiterating here that I’m not saying YOU specifically need to talk about racism more, and I’m not trying to diminish your experience or anything like that In just saying that those topics (discrimination of any kind, abuse of any kind) in the community are things we should be discussing instead of ships we think aren’t comfortable. I feel uncomfortable with relationships in real life and in rp all the time but that isn’t up to me to say it’s wrong or bad. It’s no ones right to tell any two consenting adults that what they’re doing is wrong. But it is a human right to tell someone when they’re being insensitive, and that’s a flaw in the community that people can be educated on and learn to handle with more sensitivity and knowledge but we’re never going to reach that point if we’re all just hostile and cruel to one another. Also reiterating that I’m not using personal examples to get cred, I just like examples because I think using them shows where I’m coming from so that any person who wants to have a dialogue can have a frame of reference for why my opinions are what they are on any topic. If I’m wrong, or insensitive, or just kinda dumb I want to know that but simply telling me I’m wrong or insensitive or dumb doesn’t teach me how not to me. And this doesn’t just mean me, I mean the whole community. It will never improve if we all just talk about the things we don’t like and give no feasible solutions.

alright i see what you want so let me switch to my white pleaser voice and deliver since you're so keen on being patronizing and in the same breath, acting like me taking what you say "the wrong way" is the problem. in bullet points so next time u come back to keep going at it u can pinpoint exactly what it is i misconstrued because u will do it anyway.

you're asking the community as a whole to care more about racism but you're talking to me who's leading the conversation in the first place. i understand you didn't imply i specifically should care more about it, but you're still using racism to discredit my point of view on age gap relationships being an important topic to discuss as well, and watering it down to just me not liking people's plots when that is not the message.

nobody is telling anyone how to live their lives. im bringing awareness to the fact that this culture is not okay. it's dangerous to our young. it NEEDS to be uncomfortable to you (you, plural) to invite to this so called critical thinking.

im not saying your partner doesn't have a right to be loving or grandpa and grandma had abuse masked as a good relationship. im saying, since it needs to be spelled out with no room for misinterpretation; the culture behind someone 10+ years older finding it completely okay to pursue someone that much younger — especially when we're talking 18 - 30 age range — needs to be looked at more closely. it's not safe in general. do exceptions exist? absolutely, but the whole two consenting adults point is a terrible one to make when at 18, you're considered that when you're still essentially just a child.

a strict age limit, which most groups adopt now, does little to actually prevent age gap relationships within roleplays. moreso, uneven power dynamics within plots being glamorized. my boss is not over 5 years older than me, but he is my boss. kpop boybands don't have age gaps of 10+ years in groups, usually, but there is a leader most times acting like a father figure, not to mention korean culture is heavy on emphasizing age-related hierarchical order, so a literal still wet behind the ears child establishing a romantic connection with someone who is not their equal? dangerous.

now let's halt. i already told you, i don't give a shit about respectability politics. it is not my job to be nice and educate anyone. and i don't mean just on this blog... most of you whites have come to assume and expect, even, that poc will be subservient, docile, and always willing to switch and nicely explain to you why the very core of the way you think about the world because you grew up sheltered w/e is not the whole picture for everyone. the worst part? most of them do. most of them do put their thinking caps on and write these novel worthy, intelligent, respectful, calculated think pieces only for the white in question to turn around and still deem it aggressive, etc. i don't do that. that is labor that most of you do not deserve.

the implication that there are feasible solutions for these problems that don't require for people to literally rework their entire mindset is naive at best. what am i supposed to do? be like nooo don't be racist, racism is bad BECAUSE it hurts people. i think all of you are old enough to know that by now. you definitely have enough internet exposure to know that, even if you grew up in all white sundown town america.

i explain my points. i actually explain my points more than the average person, yet here we are still saying im not doing enough to educate those around me as if it was my responsibility to change the way people think with sugar spice and everything nice so they feel their hand is held and it's safe to make a mistake that will consequently hurt other people as many times as they need to make it to finally grasp the reality of it and be able to just... not do that in the future. when no. no. when you hurt me, im allowed to react emotionally, not intellectually. when im angry and upset and still explaining why, its YOUR job to swallow it down and listen to what im saying, because YOU hurt me. i don't owe you civility (again; you, plural). i especially don't owe you civility when ive given you nothing but in the past and the end result is still me being an aggro freak who doesn't care for your precious feelings.

you're also assuming things. for example, assuming that im mocking you specifically when i really have not done that. if im going to mock you, im going to reply to your anon and say "okay stupid", then yeah, im mocking you. otherwise? don't assume im directing anything at you.

we're having a dialogue and this whole time all you've done is tell me to stop talking. your messages have all, in essence, said, if people want to date other people who have a shitton of years on them, that is not a problem and you look prettier talking about something else. yes, that's also paraphrased. you didn't say that, of course, but why are we still here if not because you feel personally scrutinized over the reaction to the life examples that you willingly provided?

nobody is trying to change YOUR mind, you're just not willing to consider that your age gap relationships that have been beautiful and loving and safe coexist within a culture that is wicked. a person who's 10+ older than me, 24, has no business seeing me as a potential partner. it's not appropriate. yet if they do, and i also see them as a potential partner, there's nothing inherently evil about that specific instance. it is the circumstances (past), that lead to this kind of thinking in the first place what im asking everyone to analize and understand. and it does matter. it matters as much as racism, abuse, ooc mistreatment of rp partners. again, issues do not queue and wait for something to end so they can begin anew. every conversation i choose to have i consider worth having. you're free to stay out if you don't deem it important.

you're exhausting me thinking by turning my inbox into ap debate we're achieving grand things sooo hope this helps 🖤

[alpha-centari27]

The Thoughts and Reflections of Someone New to Reylo and the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

This is a really, really long post and contains spoilers.

Please be polite and respectful if you choose to comment and / or reblog.

Ok, so before I get too heavy discussing my thoughts and reflections there are a few things I want to make absolutely clear.

- People can ship whoever they want.  And it is perfectly fine for people to disagree and have differing tastes and opinions.  Obviously some ships are better supported by canon than others.  And there are shipping relationships that are toxic, but people ship it anyway.  I think a great non-Star Wars example is Harley Quinn and Joker. 

- I have delved deep enough into the reylo tag and other related tags to get the sense that anti-reylo are claiming a moral high ground.  “As a ship reylo is wrong and therefore anyone who ships reylo is a horrible person.”  And my simple rebuttal to this is--no, that’s not how this works.  If someone ships reylo this by itself is not sufficient evidence that someone is a horrible person.

- Based on everything I have read about TROS Ben Solo’s story arc and character development could have been so much more than what it was on screen in TROS.

- Having said that a lot of other characters were short changed by whoever was pulling the strings and making the decisions: Rose Tico, Poe Dameron, Finn and Rey and arguably Leia, Luke and Han were short changed by some of the decisions made in TROS and earlier in TLJ and TFA.

- Being part of a fandom should be fun, so can we all agree to chill out, relax and be civil?

Moving on...now that hopefully I have cleared up any preconceived assumptions.

I am relatively new to reylo and the sequel trilogies.

The first time I watched The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi was only a few weeks ago.  Some of the cable channels have been doing Star Wars marathons to get people pumped and nostalgic to pay for a movie ticket to The Rise of Skywalker.

One of the cable channels was doing yet another Star Wars marathon last night, so I again sat down to watch The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, but this time I watched the films with more awareness of the various critiques, criticisms and elements that have been deemed problematic.

I also went to the trouble of jotting down some notes.

This post is kinda all over the place, but I am going to go over my notes and observations and a main topic I want to look at is:

How Rey’s relationships and interactions with Finn and Kylo Ren differ and what sort of implications does this have.

Since stepping my toe into the reylo tags and other related tags I have NOT been able to fully articulate where I stand on whether reylo is toxic, Kylo Ren / Ben Solo is abusive, whether Kylo Ren / Ben Solo is worthy of redemption and to what degree Kylo / Ben being abused and manipulated excuses his actions.

I have to confess that the more parallels and similarities I see between Kylo Ren and Anakin / Darth Vader the more uneasy I feel about shipping reylo.

Regardless of my opinion people are free to do what they want.  If shipping reylo makes you happy, who am I too badger you into doing otherwise?

Me, writing out this long post is an attempt to flush out my thoughts at the present.

Watching the movies again I was struck by how different Rey’s interactions were with Finn and Kylo Ren.  There is a sequence in The Force Awakens between Rey and Finn that reminds me of the throne room sequence between Kylo Ren and Rey when Kylo offers his hand and asks her to rule beside him.  ((Please pardon me for paraphrasing and not having all the lines of dialogue memorized.))

Rey and Finn

At Maz’s place when Han, Rey and Finn are trying to arrange transport for BB8 to the resistance and / or get another ship to avoid detection by the First Order.

Maz looks into Finn’s eyes and remarks that he looks like someone who wants to run away.  Maz tells Finn that there is a way out.  That there are some beings that will arrange transit to the outer rim and exchange for work.

Finn approaches the beings and tells them not to leave without him.

Rey is frustrated by this.  How can he just leave?  What about BB8?  What about the resistance?  I believe this is when Finn comes clean that he is not actually with the resistance.  That he is a stormtrooper and he is not going back to the First Order and wants to stay as far away from them as possible.

Finn asks Rey to come with him.  To join him.  Rey says no.  And I believe Finn tells Rey to take care of herself.

There are no hurt feelings on Finn’s part.  He doesn’t try to persuade or manipulate her to change her mind.  He simply wishes that she takes care of herself.

Here are a few other bullet point items I want to highlight.

- Kylo Ren force pushing Rey into a tree and Finn coming to her aid and kneeling beside her reminds me of Anakin choking out Padme on Mustafar and Obi-Wan Kenobi going to Padme.

- Finn’s main motivation for going to Starkiller base was to rescue Rey.

- Rey clutches & hugs an unconscious Finn who fought and lost to Kylo Ren.

- After Starkiller base is blown up and Rey, Finn and Chewbacca are in transit.  Rey plants a kiss on Finn’s forehead as he lies unconscious.

- When Finn wakes up in The Last Jedi the first thing he says is, “Where is Rey?“

- Finn’s motivation for trying to get away in an escape pod is basically keep Rey safe.  Finn thinks the fleet is doomed.  If Finn can to an escape pod and reach safety, Rey will be able to find him and she will be safe.

- I want to say that there is another time that Rey hugs Finn.  Maybe this is when Han, Finn and Rey first find each other on Starkiller?

Finn is not a perfect person.  He does lie to Rey about being part of the resistance.  In terms of being an honorable, moral and ethical person I think it is quite clear Finn is a better person than Kylo Ren / Ben Solo.  

But in real life and in fiction people can be attracted to and fall in love with horrible people.  ((I suppose right here my own words are a damning statement against reylo.))

Some observations I made from watching The Last Jedi

- When Kylo Ren and Rey have their first force skype call.  Kylo’s first reaction is confusion.  And his second reaction is to reach out with the force to try to manipulate Rey to bring Luke Skywalker to him.

- When Rey pushes Kylo Ren to explain why he killed his father, Han Solo--I find it curious that Kylo deflects the question and starts talking about Rey’s parents and how they threw her away.  Given the plot twist in TROS this now makes Kylo look like a manipulator and a liar.  In the best case scenario Kylo was telling a version of the truth that is incomplete.  I suppose in a way Kylo does indirectly answer Rey’s question by saying, “Let the past die.  Kill it if you have to.  That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.“  This could be read as manipulative and an attempt to push Rey to the dark side by killing Luke.

- I’m still not sure what to make of the 2nd force bond scene.  The connection is terminated and Kylo Ren is wiping his face with a gloved hand and we see...water?  Kylo Ren’s tears on his glove?  There is a wave of water crashing against some rocks in front of Rey just before Kylo is seen wiping his face.

- When an unconscious Kylo Ren wakes up in the throne room.  It is just Kylo Ren and Hux.  It’s quick, but it looks like Hux reaches into his coat to draw a weapon and shoot Kylo Ren.

- What did Rey tell Chewbacca to tell Finn?  I’m sure someone knows, but I just need to do some more digging online.

- Kylo Ren vs Luke Skywalker.  Near the very end of the fight Kylo Ren says, “I’ll destroy her [Rey] and you and all of it.“

- Overall I’m just surprised how often Rey is brought to tears throughout these movies.  It’s understandable because of what she is going through and what she has been through.  Someone must have counted how many times Rey cries and how many times it was with X or Y character and what they were talking about. 

Rey and Kylo Ren: The Throne Room

Ok, so let’s sum up the events leading up to Kylo Ren’s proposal.

Rey is brought before Snoke who tortures her for information about Skywalker.

When Snoke gets the information he wants AND it becomes clear that Rey is a true Jedi who will not serve him, Snoke then orders Kylo Ren to kill Rey.

Kylo Ren spares Rey and kills Snoke.

Kylo Ren and Rey fight off the guards together.

Kylo gives his speech about letting old things die.  What stands out to me is Kylo does NOT specifically mention the First Order.  Snoke, Luke Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the resistance all need to die, but not the First Order.

Rey pleads with Ben not to do this.  Not to go down this path.  Which is reminiscent of what Padme said to Anakin on Mustafar.

Kylo / Ben says, “You’re still holding on!  Let go!”  ((Holding onto what exactly?  The resistance?  Hope?  The Jedi path?  The light side of the force?))  And once again Kylo / Ben talks about Rey’s parentage.

“You’re nothing, but not to me.  Please.”  For a while I have interpreted this as Kylo Ren / Ben Solo being honest and blunt to a fault, but seeing and listening to this again in it’s full context this does read as Kylo Ren being manipulative. Breaking Rey down, she comes from nothing, she is nothing, she has no place in this, but hey why don’t you join me and have a seat right next to me on the winning side. 

Final Thoughts:

- At the very least Kylo Ren’s conduct and behavior are red flags.  Regardless of the extent that Kylo Ren was manipulated and abused his behavior and his interactions with Rey in the TFA and TLJ are troubling to say the least.  There does come a point when someone cannot use the excuse of being abused to justify their abusive behavior.  “Ok, so you were abused and learned some bad habits and coping mechanisms, but here is the thing your actions are causing real harm to another person and that is not cool.”  It’s hard and it’s difficult to change those habits and people will slip up on the road to recovery.  I think we also need to recognize the complication that Rey and Kylo Ren are at war on opposite sides. 

- I think there was descent chemistry and a connection between Rey and Finn, but I feel like that gets de-railed at the end of TLJ when Finn is tending to Rose and Rey is interacting with Leia. 

- I think Rey and Finn is a lot less problematic than Rey and Kylo Ren / Ben Solo.  Just compare the throne room scene to the interaction between Finn and Rey at Maz’s place.

- Do I still ship reylo?  Here is how I will answer the question for now.  As flawed as Kylo Ren / Ben Solo is I do like him and find him to be a character I can relate to alongside Rey.  I have not seen TROS in theaters and don’t think I will waste my money going to see it.

I would have LOVED to see a happy ending for Ben Solo instead of a variant of Darth Vader’s redemption and death.  This has already been done, why not do something different?  Isn’t this ending more hopeful?  You know instead of Han, Luke, Leia dying in vain to save Ben. 

I would have LOVED if the people making TROS put more careful thought and consideration into Ben’s story arc and character development.

Fitting with the theme of: finding the balance, not everything is black and white, there are a lot of grey areas / ambiguity, etc.

I would have been fine with some sort of ending where Ben faces some sort of punishment for his crimes and he is neither condemned to death or is completely pardoned without consequences.

I am very curious to know what political scientists and psychologists would say about sentencing someone like Kylo Ren / Ben Solo for war crimes.  In the comics that have been released so far it seems like Ben Solo is much younger when he is turned to the dark side and taken in by the First Order.  I think in TROS it’s revealed that Ben’s current age is 30 and he was 23 when he joined Snoke and the First Order.  At age 23 Ben Solo is considered an adult, he is not a child soldier.  “But he was being manipulated before he was even born.“  I hear you...unfortunately I don’t know how or if that would factor into Ben Solo’s being charged with war crimes.

Right now, I am in favor of ignoring the mess that is TROS and replacing it with fanfiction where Rey and Ben Solo are able to live a health and happy life.  And perhaps some day they will rebuild a new Jedi order that strives to accept and learn from the mistakes of the past.

- Is Kylo Ren / Ben Solo worthy of redemption?  I think in order to answer this question we need to ask, what does it mean to be redeemed?  What does someone have to do in order to be redeemed or atone for their wrong doing? 

I think the short answer is it’s complicated and everyone has different opinions.  Some people are probably of the opinion that Kylo Ren / Ben Solo is beyond redemption.  There is nothing he can do.  He can never do enough to make up for what he has done.

I think the more complicated answer is it’s a long process and not everyone will forgive you--heck maybe no one will forgive you. 

And whether you are punished or not punished is an entirely different matter. 

There are things Kylo Ren / Ben Solo has done that he can never take back.  Kylo Ren cannot bring Han Solo back from the dead or any of the hundreds or thousands of people he has cut down.  The fact Kylo Ren has murdered even one person is probably reason enough in the eyes of some people for why he can never be redeemed.

Kylo Ren / Ben Solo turned toward the light and toward Rey.  In my opinion I think this action could be considered an act of repentance, but falls short of redeeming / atoning for all his past sins.  I think full redemption / atonement is a much more lengthier process.

Ultimately, I think this is a question worth pondering for ourselves.

[queeniewritesce]

Recommendations (2/2)

This is part 2 of my entry for the @mrs-captain-evans 2,5K followers Writing Challenge. 

Summary: Twitter is a strange place. But once in a while, you connect with someone.

Word count: 2,484

Warning: mild language, 35 seconds of angst, could be less if you read it fast.

The heavy double-paned door opened with a jingle and a creak, letting the cool air from late November enter the small café on Arrow Street. You didn’t bother looking up from your laptop, where you read an article about penguins instead of finishing grading yesterday’s pop quiz.

Procrastinating was your new favorite pastime since decreasing your online presence. Not that it stopped the ache you still felt every time you opened Twitter to post a new article, which was the only content you shared nowadays. Gone were the jokes geared towards your students, pictures of Captain Hook, or commenting on the everyday shenanigans of the White House and Congress.

The less you shared, the less you cared, and the only reason your profile was still up was because of your job.

You checked the time on the bottom left of the screen. Professor Kincaid’s class had been canceled and you had one hour to kill before your own class started, which prompted you to run to Bean There for a fresh pot of coffee and one huge Boston Cream doughnut.

As you read about penguins kidnapping other chicks if they own young died, you got wind of the murmurs and rushed voices going on around the room.  You tried to tune them out, young people got excited about anything but they seemed to get louder and louder with every passing moment. You located your bag seating by your feet and was looking for your headphones when a pair of black boot cladded feet stopped in front of you.

Pursuing your lips, you let the ears buds fall back inside the pocket but didn’t bother to look up. If your assumptions were correct, the owner of those boots was the cause for the raucous around you.

“Y/N…”

Yep, the voice and the boots belonged to the same person.

Tears made your eyes sting and you blinked to prevent them from falling. You minutely shook your head, not knowing exactly what you’re trying to convey; that this was not the place or that you’re not, would never be, ready to talk to him.

“Please. Can we talk?”

The hurt in his voice gave you pause. Why would Chris feel anything but pride at playing you as he did? Did he want to do a coup de grâce to your ego?

Keeping your eyes downcast, you lowered the screen of your laptop, glad you hadn’t bothered with the power strip. Shifting the electronic around you other stuff took more time than intended but after a few tries, you zippered up your bag, grabbing some money out of your wallet and dropping it on the table.

You got up and your nose pressed against the most muscular chest you ever saw. He was so well built that you could see the hard contours of his pecs through the thick cream sweater he was wearing. The smell of his cologne hit your nostrils and you almost swoon, finally looking up.

He shouldn’t be allowed the whole package, that was so unfair to you.

Deep blue eyes framed by thick eyelashes stared back at you, the lower half of his face covered in fine auburn whiskers that couldn’t be more than two weeks old at the most, looking so soft that you had to restrain yourself from reaching out and running the tips of your fingers through them.

“All I am asking is for a chance to explain myself.” Strong fingers reached for you, encasing your small hand in his as if he really wanted you to stay. You scoffed at the notion, this man really knew how to play you. Did he get off in toying with you?

Your scared eyes looked from his eyes to your clasped hands and back again, silently begging him to let you go. He mouthed a soundless no and stepped towards you, bridging the already small gap between your bodies.

Later, if someone asked you why you did it, you would blame your next course of action on the overwhelming need to escape.

“Look, everyone, it’s Chris Evans.”

Chris’s eyes widened and a different kind of hurt clouded his vision. Betrayal. He let your hand go.

Good. Maybe know he would understand exactly how you felt.

A round of applause broke out around the café and the whispers were now cheers. The discretely held cellphones now pointed straight at the man in front of you.

Move, get out. Your feet took their sweet time obeying your brain, but soon you’re grabbing your coat and your messenger bag and making a beeline to the door, not bothering with actually putting on your coat before the full brunt of Boston’s late autumn slammed into you. You powered through, running through the streets that led you to your office, not once looking back, certain Chris would not follow.

Entering the gray building that housed Media Studies and Social Analyses, you allowed yourself to slow down and take a breath. Safe.

The lights stayed off when you entered your office, the loaded mahogany bookcases and dark upholstery making the room more ominous than it truly was.

You let your bag slide to the floor near your desk, not really bothering with damaging the electronics inside.

Heavy feet carried you to the sofa under the balcony window, where you sat with unfocused eyes, mind running a mile a minute trying to understand how your life became a drama movie in just a few short months.

What was Chris doing here? You thought you made your feelings clear when you blocked him. The pain ebbed away after a few weeks, diluted to an ache that accompanied you day and night. For a fleet moment, you had entertained the idea of a relationship with Chris. Not Evans. Just Chris, the wholesome and funny guy you got to know during those four months you spent trading messages with. But that guy didn’t exist, he was just a persona, one more character created and well played by Chris Evans. Right?

There was a knock and whoever was outside didn’t wait for an answer before your door was pushed open.

Professor Travis stuck his head inside your office, a scowl on his face.

“If I hear one more student going off about the Oscar worthy drama on the media department I’ll flunk them and fire you, we’re not a telenovela. Fix whatever this is or convince him to stay away, I got your next class covered.”

He pushed Chris inside the dimly lighted room, raised his eyes brows pointedly at you and left, the door closing firmly behind him.

Silence stretched around you, uncomfortable and unnerving.

His hands stayed on his pockets, heavy coat looped around one arm while Chris took inventory of his surroundings before focusing on you, his gaze never wavering.

“Can I sit?”

You didn’t expect the croaked voice, nor the way it warped around your heart.

Two fingers pointed to the chairs on the other side of the center table. A safe distance, an actual barrier between you.

Of course, he decided to sidestep the table and sat opposite you on the love seat, his knee almost touching yours.

“What you did back there was treacherous and mean.” He faced forward, fingers drumming on his knees. “I guess I deserved it.”

“You did.”

“I never thought those would be the first words I’d hear you say direct to me.”

You cocked your head, not sure what to say to that.

“I mean, I thought about our first meeting, how you would be surprised but also happy I wasn’t a serial killer, just a dumb actor with too much free time on his hand.” He let a dark chuckle. “I never expected you to out me to a room filled with twenty-somethings years old and run away.”

What did he mean by thought about you? You admittedly had mulled over the idea more than once, wondering if you would click on the real world as much as you did online. Even created a list of topics you could revisit from your online conversation, mixed with silly questions you’d never asked him, like blueberry or chocolate chips on your pancakes? Could this man, so famous he couldn’t even walk into a coffee shop without being recognized, also be so committed to the idea of meeting you?

No matter. He still deceived you.

“I asked you once if you were catfishing me. You said no.”

Chris whole body faced you and he trained his eyes on you.

“I wasn’t. I looked up what that word means. I don’t fit any of those boxes. I’m not in it to hurt you. I never said I was someone else. I just never told you my last name.”

“Or who you actually were.”

He huffed.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I shared with you exactly who I was. Am. My opinions, my true likes and dislikes. I didn’t sugarcoat it or played dumb, I didn’t hide behind a forced laughed or a sound bite. You got Chris, the whole unadulterated version.” His expression hardened. “It’s not easy to open up like that when people expect you to be a certain way, act another way. Since you teach about expectations and the effects mass media has on other people, I believed you’d understand why I had to hide behind a pseudonym.”

It was not the first time you wondered what was like on the other side of the fishing lenses celebrities were under. You taught the basics of how media twisted and organized exactly how the public perceived being famous, asking your students to always remember no matter how famous someone was, there were first and foremost a human being.

“I understand why you did it, that doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me.”

“I never lied to you.” Chris rebuffed.

“You told me you were a flight attendant and you worked for Delta.”

“No, I didn’t. You assumed all that, I just never corrected you.”

“I…”

He was right.

You remembered all the times he changed the subject when you discussed his work and you honestly believed he was embarrassed about his job. You never asked what he did, or what he was doing in Atlanta for so long.

You felt the hot flashes of embarrassment creeping up your face and you hung your head low. Were you really so obtuse?

“I’m sorry.” A staggered breath left you. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask and assumed.”

“I have my own share of the guilty Y/N. I wanted to tell you, I wrote hundreds of messages but I could never send them. I was terrified you wouldn’t believe me before I could send you proof. And then I told you my name and it got comfortable, I wasn’t lying, just leaving out some stuff.”

“A lie of omission is still a lie in my book.” The serious tone of your voice washed over Chris and he winced.

“I got that when you blocked me.”

Once again the room was quiet save from the filtered shuffling of feet coming from the corridor.

As a true scholar, you analyzed all the information he gave you, looking for strong points and flaws on his reasoning. It all checked out. You wouldn’t have believed him. He never outright lied to you. 

There was only one question left unanswered.

“Why are you here Chris?”

His smile warmed you, made you want things that you shouldn’t. Images fleeted through your head, other times when he could smile to you like exactly like he was doing now.

“I’m here because I spent all summer and most of autumn inside a hot as hell costume, my hair dyed blonde, stuck inside a hangar filled with fake debris and green screens, and the only thing that kept me sane was that when I was on my breaks or done for the day I would open Twitter to a new message from you. I’m here because you were my island of calm while I drifted with anxiety.” Two fingers slid under your chin and he gently made you look at him. “I’m here because I like you.”

“You like me?” You repeated and he nodded. 

“I do. You’re funny, wicked smart but you don’t take yourself too seriously unless you have too. You admitted to being a nerd, which if I didn’t make myself clear during the whole Hubble debacle, so am I.” He pointed to black baseball hat he was wearing and you saw the NASA logo. “On a shallower note, you’re way, way more beautiful than all my previous teachers combined. If all professors look like you, I might even give this whole college thing a try.”

Well, wasn’t he a smooth talker. Your smile now matched his. 

“So do you like me like me or like me as in she’s okay?”

“Baby, you’re so far removed from okay, it might need a visa to visit you.”

The room filled with your laugh, your heart finally free of the hurt you carried the past few weeks.

He liked you.

“You’re not a nice guy.”

His smirk told you he knew exactly was this was going.

“I’m kind of an asshole.”

“I’m not denying that one.” He pouted and you wanted to kiss him. “So, not a nice a guy but not a complete asshole, so not a bad guy either.”

He got closer, his fingers playing with a loose tendril of your hair, the other hand fastening on your waist.

“That considerably narrows down your options, uh?”

His smile was contagious and you grinned back, shyly nuzzling his chest.

“How about you? You know, if you’re still interested.” You beamed at the man in front of you, bitting your lower lip.

“Let me show you how interested I am.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when his lips descended upon yours. He poured himself into the kiss, months of wanting you, feeling close but so far away. He fell for you during those late nights you stayed up texting, giving his heart and mind and receiving yours in return. He kissed you gently, slowly coaxing your mouth open, his tongue brushing yours.

He trailed his hands up your back to bring you closer and you shivered, settling contently against his chest, your fingers making their own journey to the back of his neck, brushing your hands on the hair there.

“How about that date?” Chris said against your mouth. “Let me take you out to dinner.”

“How about I cook for you instead? My house, 8pm?”

“I’ll be there.”

Disentangling yourself from his arms, you grabbed a notebook from your coffee table, writing down your address and handing it to Chris, kissing him on the cheek.

“Now go before Professor Travis forgets how much he likes us and I lose my job.”

You moved from the sofa, putting some space between both of you. You grab your bag, checking to see if your syllabus for the next class is still there.

“Y/N?”

“Uhm?” You’re sure he’s gonna kiss you again when he comes closer, his lips brushing the shell of your ear.

“One thing though.”

“What?”

The feel of his breath when he speaks so close to you gave you goosebumps. You’re ready, so ready to be kissed again.

“You gotta unblock me on Twitter. I only ever want one person to block me and believe me, you’re not him.”

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

Just How In Love With Daenerys is Jon Snow?

If you’ve read any of my posts you probably already understand that I believe Jon’s interactions with Daenerys are motivated by his duties to the North and his behavior in Season 7 can be easily explained with the fact that he’s trying multiple approaches to try and change her priorities.

So many times, the contra opinion has been “No, Jon is definitely in love with Daenerys. The cast and crew says so. The marketing says so. The show runners say so.” 

Ok, among the myriad of reasons why I think this is a terrible argument is that;

1) The same people swore up and down that Jon was dead forever;

2) The same people blatantly discussed some deadly rivalry in S7 between Sansa and Jon

3) The script page cited as “he realizes he’s fallen in love” did not initially leak with all of the other script pages that proved to, more or less, true...so someone needs to show me otherwise in the first place;

BUT the most important thing I’d use to examine this is;

“Ok, well what does Jon Snow say throughout Season 7?”

Post continued under the cut...

I noticed such a different pattern of behavior with Jon when it came to how he privately spoke with Daenerys and how he spoke about Daenerys with other characters.

I operate under the assumption that the creators put scenes into their own shows on purpose (revolutionary, right?) and I just can’t escape the conclusion that Jon Snow is two different people in Season 7: the laser-focused, big-picture, intelligent hero of the story AND on the other side the love struck, flattery-extolling, miss-the-forest-for-the-trees, dopey lovable hero.

I’ve already written previously about the way Jon dresses up his language around Daenerys, particularly after he observes Jorah interact with Daenerys in e5. 

I’ve now concluded that’s only half the story...because maybe you could argue that he just started seeing what Jorah and Tyrion and Missandei see in Daenerys.

If he really sees this greatness, strength, and worthiness in her, surely he would indicate to SOMEBODY else how strongly he feels about Daenerys.

I can’t even find ANY room in Jon’s interactions with other characters where they discussed Daenerys to support that he loves her or even finds her particularly “good” in any way.

I’ll go clip by clip.

Jon’s Motivation for Leaving

Now it would be unfair for me to say that this clip shows anything about how Jon feels about Daenerys because he doesn’t know her yet.

What it does tell us is that Jon’s mission is to get a powerful ally to come North to fight the Night King.

It also tells us Jon already knows he’s going to need to “persuade” her.

Alone, does this tell us anything necessarily? No...but it tells me that Jon has a clear objective in going to Dragonstone, he has a very specific goal in mind, and he knows he will have to work to persuade her.

First Meeting / Talk With Tyrion

Jon learns pretty quickly he needs to change tactics. I’ve gone over this before...but I really want to focus on what Jon says ABOUT Daenerys in these interactions...because it’s projected to us, as the audience, that Jon is falling in love with Daenerys and it’s so heavy-handed about telling us this fact that I would imagine his feelings would leak through when speaking with others...

I can’t even cite anything about what Jon says to Tyrion about Daenerys except for one thing (later) because that conversation seems to only set up Jon trying to do some research on the Dragon Queen to figure out how to convince her more effectively.

Davos

Jon’s asked multiple times during the season what he thinks of Dany and each time Jon gives a rather bland answer or chooses not to talk about her in any meaningful way on a personal level.

This is the first occasion. Jon initially doesn’t realize Davos is asking about Daenerys. Maybe you can argue he’s playing coy, but then when Davos really asks him, he says something that basically amounts to “well, she doesn’t seem to be a bad person.” Ok...not much revealed here...

But there clearly ARE things about Daenerys that have already rubbed Jon the wrong way...how do I know this?

Missandei

Jon and Davos happen upon Missandei. Jon prods her a bit about who Daenerys is and what Daenerys believes. Missandei predictably tells Jon how wonderful the Breaker of Chains is and how much she believes in her.

Davos notes how Missandei was “freed” by Daenerys only to serve her in a way that doesn’t differ terribly from her previous state. Missandei grows irritated and says she serves Daenerys because she chooses to serve Daenerys.

Right away alarm bells are going off in Jon’s head. He poses a pretty damning question:

Pretty simple...oh...can you really leave?

“Yes, of course!” claims Missandei.

Jon gives her this incredulous look. “You really believe that?” He asks. Missandei responds “I know it!”

Now as viewers, are we not able to see through exactly why Jon is asking this question. He’s not asking Missandei because he wants to know more about Daenerys...he’s asking to test Missandei and her followers.

How do I know this?

BECAUSE JON JUST POSED HER THE EXACT SITUATION HE FINDS HIMSELF IN AND KNOWS WHAT THE REAL ANSWER WOULD BE IF SHE WAS HONEST ABOUT DAENERYS.

How can anyone take this scene to seriously mean that Jon learns more about Daenerys. My contention is this is Jon’s attempt at learning about the Cult of Personality surrounding Daenerys. This is why I think Jon is learning much more about the people around Daenerys than he is learning about Daenerys.

So Jon doesn’t tell anyone anything particularly meaningful about Daenerys while on Dragonstone. Ok, maybe you could think “well hey he’s guarded while on Dragonstone but by the time he leaves he’s really falling for her” so let’s look at the dialogues AFTER Jon leaves. (Hint: Jon gets more frank and demonstrates a pretty good understanding of what it is Daenerys wants)

Wight Hunt

Jon has a few conversations about Daenerys while on the infamous wight hunt. A few preliminary observations: he doesn’t distinguish Daenerys from Cersei in any meaningful way, he doesn’t initiate Daenerys as a topic any of the times he talks about her, and each time his comments only reflect that he knows her political ambitions and he knows what she wants him to do in order for him to gain her help with the Night King.

This is sort of a funny quote so I’m actually leaving that out because I think it distracts from the real content of the conversation.

1) Jon apparently hadn’t told Tormund that the wight hunt was for CERSEI...just for the two queens. So he didn’t distinguish Daenerys already before the dialogue starts. He still sees Daenerys and Cersei as squabbling children who are complaining that the game isn’t fair. His attitude about their conflict hasn’t changed since 7x03 in his first meeting with Daenerys. Only his approach has changed.

2) This would have been a great time to show Jon saying “well they’re nothing alike!” or “I hate Cersei but it must be done” or “Daenerys will help but we still need Cersei on board”. Instead we get none of that. Jon still knows he’s going on this stupid mission because, primarily, Daenerys isn’t committed to the cause. Why do I conclude that it’s about Daenerys? Because Jon never mentioned ONCE a desire to get Cersei’s support and he never agreed with Daenerys that a ceasefire was particularly important. He only knows that he can’t get Daenerys unless Cersei sees a wight and agrees to a ceasefire.

Again, Tormund starts this exchange by asking a pretty simple question.

“So you met this Dragon Queen....and?”

This continues the pattern of people asking open ended questions to Jon fishing for how he feels about her personally...and again Jon demonstrates a laser-like focus on his overall mission that he needs her to fight with the North and what he needs to do in order to get her to commit to doing that.

I think it’s important that Jon is asks about Daenerys this way: open ended, leaving him ample opportunity to say SOMETHING about personally. Time after time, Jon...just...doesn’t...care.

He is still only viewing Daenerys through the scope of what she can do for him with regard to the war with the Night King.

THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON. WE SHOULD BE SEEING SOMETHING FROM JON APPROACHING AFFECTION.

Beric

Later on, we have Jon asserting once again that he serves the North. His entire S7 arc is about serving the North, even if it leads to his scorn, it’s not about Jon falling in love and giving that kingdom away. 

I also enjoy the subtlety of Jon looking over his shoulder before he says he serves the North. Probably doesn’t mean anything narratively, but this isn’t the behavior of guy falling in love.

Maybe this is cheating...but I’m including what Beric says because it’s the first time in a very long time that the viewers got to see Jon connect with another person about his “purpose” since he left for Dragonstone.

How long has Jon been waiting for someone to say something that makes sense to him? Tyrion tells him he’s not a prisoner; he’s just not free to go. Daenerys tells him not to hold her accountable for her father’s crimes but demands he be held to the vows of his great x900 grandfather and also tells him she believes him about the NK so that must mean he should be more than willing to bend the knee. Missandei tells him that she knows Daenerys would let her leave for Naath if she asked for a ship WHILE JON IS BEING HELD PRISONER AND PREVENTED FROM GOING TO HIS SHIP. 

But what Beric says triggers Jon in a positive way. It confirms what we all should know: Jon doesn’t care who sits on the Throne. He just doesn’t. He’s trying to navigate this entire situation so that he can defend his home and his people.

Theon

So Daenerys saves Jon. Now people argue that this is the point that Jon fell in love with Daenerys. I’m going to again argue otherwise because of what I see...

Beric talks about someone sitting the Throne whom he barely knows and not caring about that; Jon tells Daenerys before leaving for the wight hunt that he’s asking her to trust him, a stranger. I think it’s reasonable to say that, given the total lack of any personal exposition given by Jon to Daenerys, given the total lack of positive reaction to being asked questions ABOUT Daenerys by other characters, and given the striking similarity between Jon’s stranger speech and Beric’s quote to Jon, Jon still sees Daenerys as a stranger when she comes to his rescue North of the Wall.

And this is supposed to be the moment Jon falls in love with Daenerys? Wow, if that’s the standard, I guess it’d be really hard for anyone to argue that Jon isn’t already in love with Sansa then, right? Of course that’s not the case. At the point of the wight hunt, Jon still shares no particular warm feelings regarding Daenerys. If the foundation of their love is that she saved him after he didn’t express any fondness to anyone despite weeks (months?) together on Dragonstone, I’m wholly unconvinced.

Which brings us to the scene with Theon. How anyone can see this in any way other than foreshadowing (or even a semi-reveal) of political!Jon is still beyond me. What other narrative purpose for Jon saying “it might LOOK LIKE I’m doing the right thing but I’m REALLY NOT” other than to show that there’s more to this Northern Fool than meets the eye. The same one who suddenly was placed on a pedestal for his apparent incapability to lie.

Folks, Jon is saying there’s more to him under the surface than he’s showing outright.

If this is how Jon Snow acts when he’s in love, then Kit Harrington did the worst job conveying love of any character on a TV show that I can recall seeing. Because I will agree he shows a measure of seduction with Daenerys in his conversations with her through the season. But that simply doesn’t explain his behaviors with other characters.

He acts dopey, honest, and impulsive with Daenerys. He acts laser-focused, driven, and pragmatic with the other characters.

Jon Snow is two different characters in Season 7.

The proof is right there in the show screaming at you.

Shouldn’t this be enough to convince you that political!Jon is possible if not probable???

Aye, maybe that’s enough.

[backtothestart02]

If You Love Him, Tell Him | cynco fanfiction

A/N: My first real purely cynco fic, and boy what a doozy it is. I hope you enjoy though! Lots of angst with a happy ending. :)

Fun Fact: I pulled Cynthia being lactose intolerant from this post. (All other bg info about the Reynolds is from my own imagination.)

*There are not enough thanks in the world to give @valeriemperez for this piece. Truly a headache and hours worth of discussion in the post-edits stage. A miracle worker and a great friend. Thank you.

Synopsis: Post 4x20 - Canon Divergent - After an unexpectedly moving heart-to-heart with her father, Cynthia realizes it isn't change she's afraid of. It's love. 

Tears still staining her cheeks long after Cisco was gone, Cynthia found her way to her private quarters and played a message that she knew was from her father, that she knew would be asking the same question he’d been asking for weeks.

“Is Ciscy gonna take the job or not?”

Her father was a little difficult to take seriously in his shorts, tropical shirt, and sandals. But the look on his face was always very sobering, so in part, she was glad the topic had come up on this last visit to Earth 1.

Last visit to Earth 1.

Her face fell further, and she leaned back in the chair she’d slunk into. She closed her eyes, tuning out her father’s voice.

Maybe it really would be.

She’d meant what she said to him. What they had, it was enough for her. A day in the life of Cynthia Reynolds was busy, hectic, but ultimately very fulfilling. She loved traveling to pick up her targets on the run. She loved being badass. She didn’t need a relationship to be happy. And for a long time, she’d insisted she didn’t even want one. But Cisco was nothing if not determined.

Once she gave in, there was no going back. At the same time, that only went so far. She didn’t have time for a relationship every day, and she didn’t want to cut back on her job in order to make one happen. The arrangement she’d had with Cisco allowed her to continue her schedule and take a vacation when she had a free moment. She spent every free moment with him – well, every free moment that wasn’t a good night’s sleep.

Vacation had come to mean quality time with Cisco. There were so many risks in changing the dynamic of their relationship. It wasn’t that she was opposed to more time with him. She loved spending time with him. It was just that their relationship felt perfect the way it was, and she wasn’t willing to risk that just because he wanted to see her every day. It worked fine for her. It worked great.

“-and Cynthia,” her father’s voice concluded, “I want you to come visit me in person.”

She lifted her head and raised an eyebrow. What?

“We can spend some quality time celebrating Ciscy-”

“Oh, my God, no,” she muttered, deleting the message before it could be completed.

She didn’t know what had happened to change her father’s mind about Cisco. He hadn’t liked him right from the start. He hasn’t liked any of your boyfriends, her inner voice reminded her. She ignored that. She allowed that there were moments where Cisco must’ve looked less than awful in his eyes, but to have him go from giving her extra assignments so she wouldn’t have time to see the object of her affection to offering him a job so they could spend every waking minute together, something major had to have happened.

Part of her was insatiably curious. The other part of her – the more logical part – told her loud and clear that it didn’t matter. She and Cisco were through. What did it matter if the two men most important to her for the past year were finally on good terms?

Excellent timing, guys, she thought, absolutely miserable.

She got up from her chair and walked out of the room. She had to get out of here. Work wasn’t a good distraction right now. Work reminded her about her conversations with Cisco in the past twenty-four hours and how they had decided to call it quits. She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually needed a distraction – aside from when her partner died a while back, but with Abra Kadabra put away, she felt closure on that.

She was numb now. She also had tears staining her cheeks. She didn’t really have friends she could talk to about this. She never let her walls down enough to get vulnerable with anyone. Except Cisco. And even with him not everything was stripped away.

She thought back to the previous fall and how it had seemed he was about to tell her he loved her. She was scared to death and then relieved that it was just about her name – something she could easily blow off. If her dad hadn’t showed up moments later, she would have likely thought again about what Cisco had almost said, or what he could have said, while they lay tangled in each other’s arms in the aftermath of steamy sex.

But that hadn’t happened. Instead what she had gotten was him shouting the woman that I love with tears in his own eyes as he saw her unwillingness to budge.

She wondered if she was a fool for letting him end things between them, even if it was for the best.

She sighed and opened a portal, immediately vibing herself to a new earth, someplace quiet and devoid of people. She needed some peace, some alone time, a place to think or maybe just to be. She needed –

The man in floral shirts contentedly humming to himself strolled passed her, blindsiding her completely.

“Dad?”

He stopped, grinned the wide-toothy grin she hadn’t seen from him in ages.

“Cynthia! You came to see me!”

Oh boy.

He walked over to her and stopped just short of giving her a hug. She wondered if he’d been able to see the tension in her. Then again, he’d never been much of a hugger.

“I…didn’t know you were here,” she said awkwardly.

“Nonsense! I told you!” He frowned abruptly. “I told you, didn’t I? I did tell you. I thought I did.” He stroked his chin as she slowly shook her head, apparently deep in thought.

She watched him, aware that she could just jump to another earth without him ever being the wiser. He might even convince himself he’d imagined his daughter appearing unexpectedly beforehand. But something about their close vicinity made her stand still.

“Ciscy! Of course!” He declared, a grin on his face.

Oh no.

“You came to tell me about Ciscy.” He returned to her. “Will he take the job? I really don’t want to have to look for another replacement.”

“I talked to him,” she said carefully.

“And?” His eyes were filled with hope. It almost disgusted her.

She couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so delighted by any prospect, let alone one involving a guy she was dating – had been dating; an ex.

“He said no.”

He frowned. “No?”

The outrage she was so used to spilling out of him started to surface. She almost smiled.

“He doesn’t want the job, Dad. He just wants…” Say a lie. Say a lie.

“What?” He barked. “What does he want?”

Her tongue betrayed her.

“Me,” she said softly.

Breacher was unaware of the rare tone from her. Instead, he scoffed.

“But he’d have you! Loads more of you if you two would just work together!”

“I don’t want him to take the job!” she snapped, successfully surprising him into silence.

“What?” he asked, unsure if he’d heard her right.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Dad, I like things the way they are. I’m sorry you had to resign-”

“Don’t be,” he cut her off, spreading his arm wide to showcase the long expanse of beach they were standing on. “I love it here.”

She forced a smile. “Right. Well, I’m sorry you had to find a replacement, but neither Cisco or I want him to take the job, so you’ll just have to find someone else.”

His eyebrows narrowed, finally picking up on some of the tense vibes she was giving off.

“Is everything all right, Cynthia?”

She stilled, going wide-eyed, and then reining herself in, so her dad didn’t figure out more than he already had.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You’re acting weird,” he said in that all-knowing voice of his.

“Dad-”

“Is there another reason Ciscy didn’t want the job?”

Relieved she shook her head. “Not that I know of.”

“Did you talk about it a lot?”

“Enough.”

“Cynthia-” he warned.

“Enough!” Her pitch heightened, her voice cracked, and tears welled in her eyes without her permission. “Dad, can you just…”

She avoided eye contact for a few excruciating seconds before she witnessed a raging red starting to fill the color in her dad’s face.

“Dad…”

“Did he break your heart?” he demanded.

“Wha-”

“If he broke your heart, I’m gonna… And after I offered him a job too.”

He started stomping off before opening a breach, presumably to depart and give Cisco a piece of his mind. At all costs, she needed to avoid that. She was hurting, but so was Cisco. He didn’t deserve her father coming after him, especially when he had done nothing wrong and the man had finally stopped trying to kill him, had finally considered Cisco worthy of his daughter.

Her heart ached when she thought of that.

“Dad, no, stop!” She raced ahead of him and cut off the breach before he could enter it.

“What?” he growled. “No little boy gets away with hurting my little girl. I can’t believe I thought for one second that-”

“Dad.”

He huffed. “What?”

She sighed. The man was exhausting.

“It was mutual.”

“Mutual?”

“We broke up with each other. I’m sad, but…so is he.”

He stroked his chin again. “Why did you break up? You guys are crazy about each other!”

Her shoulders slumped a little. “He wanted more.”

His brows furrowed. “More?”

“He wanted to see me more-”

He rolled his eyes, aggravated again as he started to gesture with his hands.

“But that’s why I offered him the job! I don’t understand why he didn’t-”

“He didn’t want the job, Dad! He just wanted me!”

“But you don’t want him?” he asked, genuinely confused.

She hated that. It meant she would have to explain her feelings, and she really hated explaining her feelings.

“I do want him. I just-” She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut for a few moments. “I don’t want things to change.”

“Why not?” He was suddenly jubilant. “Change can be good! Look at me! I’m on a beach! For the first time since you were a kid! And I couldn’t be happier.”

She opened her eyes. “That’s a little different.”

“How is it different? I was stubborn. I didn’t want to admit something was wrong with me. I wanted a quick solution to fix my problem, so I could keep doing what I was doing. Cisco tried to give that to me, so I wouldn’t kill him.” He chuckled, nostalgic for a moment; then he sobered up.

“But when he realized his mistake, he went after me. Saved me from vampires! And told me the truth. I was angry at first, but when I realized his fear was rooted in never being able to see you again, I respected him. How could I be mad at true love? He loves you, Cynthia.”

She swallowed and nodded. “I know.”

“Don’t you love him?”

“I…I…”

Her heart raced. She felt like she was going to throw up. The question was too hard – too hard – to answer.

“I haven’t-”

“You haven’t told him.”

She felt the heat rush into her cheeks. She had never known her father to be this observant, especially when it came to her romantic feelings about someone. And yet here he was, reading her as well as he read himself – when he wasn’t being a stubborn in-denial ass about his health at least.

“I hated your last boyfriend,” he said.

She rolled her eyes, annoyed.

“I didn’t like any of your boyfriends, actually.”

“I know.”

“I just think you’re so perfect, Cynthia.” She glanced up at him. “You’re my daughter. How could any man be worthy of you?”

“Dad-”

“But Cisco – he proved himself! More than once!”

“He shouldn’t have had to.”

“But he did.”

She was silent.

“I know the last man you love broke your heart,” he hedged cautiously.

“He was killed, Dad. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But you take responsibility for it. You blame yourself.” She looked away. “You shouldn’t.”

“I brought Abra Kadabra in,” she said, not looking at him until she’d wiped the fresh tears away. “Justice has been served. And I’m not…I’m not still in love with him.”

“I know you’re not. You’re in love with Cisco!”

She sighed again. “Dad-”

“You love him, and you’re afraid that if you’re around him too much eventually the same thing will happen to him.”

She didn’t deny it. The possibility had been eating at her. She just hadn’t looked it straight in the eyes long enough to admit it was true.

“If I went and lived on his earth…” she said quietly. “I couldn’t keep doing my job. I love my job.”

“Of course you could!” he insisted. “Just jump to our earth in the morning for your assignments, then do what you need to do and be home for supper, maybe even a surprise lunch. Think of how happy you’d make Cisco.”

Her heart did a flip inside her. It was hard to remember Cisco’s face with anything but tears streaming down it, given the events of the last twenty-four hours. But if she tried hard enough she could remember to months ago when they’d last been alone together under better circumstances. She brought a smile and confidence out of him that she didn’t see with anyone else. Granted she wasn’t usually on his earth long enough to see how he reacted solely with other people, but still…

“I can’t risk it, Dad,” she said firmly. “I’m sorry.”

She turned to walk away.

“Do you know that’s why your mother left me?”

She turned around, her mouth suddenly dry. He never talked about her mother.

“It is. She loved me so much. She loved you so much. And I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t understand how someone as amazing and beautiful and smart as your mother could possibly love me. I came from nothing.”

She swallowed hard.

“They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Because that’s when you learn what it’s like to live with each other every day and if you can stand it. I convinced myself she wouldn’t still love me after we lived together, so I made myself more difficult than I had to be. She was so loyal, but I became unbearable. And to top it off, I worked as much as I could. I wasn’t a good father to you when you were younger. That’s why.”

“Dad-”

“Eventually I pushed her too hard. She was exhausted from trying for so long when I never met her halfway. She told me she was going to leave, and she was going to take her with you, and you know at first I was going to let her.”

Her eyes bulged, afraid where this was going.

“But less than five minutes after she left to go pick you up from school and take you out of my life for good, I realized what a fool I’d been, how many years I’d wasted that I could have been happy if I’d just let her love me.” He took a breath. “So, I went after her. But I wasn’t fast enough. She got into a car crash on her way to get you, died at the scene.”

She couldn’t speak. Her throat felt like it was closing in on her, and her eyes were so filled with burning tears she couldn’t see out of them.

He approached her.

“I’m not telling you this to hurt you, Cynthia. I’m telling you so you don’t make the same mistake I made. After your mom died…I stepped up as a father as best as I could, for her and for you, to make her proud. I still wasn’t great at it, but look how great you are at what you do, what a fiery spirit you have, and you’re beautiful, just like your mother.”

“Dad.” Her breath caught in her throat.

He closed the final distance between them and closed his hands around her arms.

“I know Cisco loves you. I can see it when he talks about you, when you’re even mentioned. I know he would take good care of you too – not that you need taking care of,” he added when he saw a touch of offense in her eyes. “But if you wanted to be taken care of sometimes, I know he could do it. Don’t let what happened in your past and my past keep you from being happy. You can still do your job, and you can be with who you love. And if it doesn’t work out, you can come live with me!”

She scoffed, but there was some subtle laughter in it.

“Will you talk to him?” he asked gently, then waited.

The prospect seemed impossible. She didn’t want to risk anything. She was so scared of wanting what Cisco wanted with her, because what if it didn’t work out? To experience a loss again the way she had with her mother and the man she’d loved before Cisco… She didn’t know if she could come back from that.

“There’s nothing left to say,” she said quietly.

He tipped her chin up to look at him.

“I think there is.”

She tried to will herself not to cry, but the tears tumbled out despite all her best efforts.

“You love him.”

Her lips parted.

“Then tell him.”

“What good will it do? It won’t change anything.”

“Cynthia,” he scolded gently.

“You think I should move there with him. I should take a risk? Try to make it work even though it scares the hell out of me?” She couldn’t remember if she’d ever been this raw and honest with her father, but the question escaped her, and she needed an answer.

“Love is scary,” he said. “But it’s also beautiful and magical, and we need it.”

“What if he doesn’t take me back?” she asked, various scenarios of rejection speeding through her mind and plummeting any confidence she thought might be building.

“I don’t think that will happen.”

She couldn’t smile back. She could barely nod, but after some brief hesitation, she pressed a quick peck to her father’s cheek and then stepped out of range.

“Thank you, Daddy.”

He was saying something after she disappeared into the portal, but she couldn’t make it out. Her mind was racing, and her heart was pounding, and all she could think was Oh, God, please don’t let it be too late.

…

It occurred to Cynthia belatedly that she hadn’t been many places on Earth 1. Or at least, she hadn’t been many places that Cisco frequented. She’d been to STAR Labs, and she’d been to his apartment. Then whenever help was needed out in the field she was summoned there. Lucky for her, she seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to Cisco Ramon. She thought of Earth 1, and she thought of Cisco, and the breach opened in Cisco’s living room.

Grateful he was alone, but tense as to how she’d get through this conversation with a happy ending at the end of it, she watched as he stilled in front of his refrigerator.

He was dressed in dark t-shirt and pajama pants. It had only been a few hours since their break-up. She hoped she hadn’t been responsible for driving him to this and that he’d just wanted to relax when he got home. She felt a knife twist in her stomach, since she suspected the latter wasn’t the case

“Cynthia?” he asked, probably wondering if she was some sort of dream.

“Hi, Cisco,” she said cautiously, shifting on her feet a little but not stepping in any direction.

It was a long, quiet moment that nearly drove her mad, but eventually he pulled a half-gallon of milk out of the fridge and then closed the door. Her eyes zeroed in on it and she held in a sigh. If I don’t win him back, at least he can drink milk without my lactose intolerance getting in the way.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again,” he said, setting the container on the counter deliberately, and she knew he’d been thinking the exact same thing. “Not for a personal call at least, and definitely not this soon.”

She looked away and nodded, her gaze suddenly glued to the floor.

“Yeah…”

He focused his attention of retrieving a cup, pouring himself some milk, and sticking the container back in the fridge.

He came to sit on the couch.

“What can I help you with?” he asked, not sounding uncaring but not particularly interested or invested either.

She took a breath and came to sit on the opposite side of the couch.

“Look, Cisco, here’s the thing…”

He looked up at her, waiting, cup of milk hovering just before his lips. When she seemed to have lost the capability to speak, he took a sip, wiped his mouth, and then set the cup down.

“What?”

She swallowed hard.

“About…earlier…”

“Yeah?” He folded his arms across his chest.

“How are you doing?” she asked, practically wincing through the whole question.

It wasn’t a good tactic, and she knew it. She could see him mentally telling himself not to lash out.

“How am I doing,” he repeated through clenched teeth. “H-How…how do you think I’m doing?” he asked, looking up at her, eyes blazing. “I…I lost the love of my life.”

Her heart did a flip and stung miserably at the same time.

He ran a hand through his hair and sank back onto the arm of the couch behind him.

“How do you think I’m doing?” He threw his hands about. “And what is this? A sympathy call? I don’t need your pity. It’s over. Done. There’s nothing left to say.”

He snatched the cup from the table and stalked across the room. He braced his hand on the fridge and drank greedily, needing to create some distance but stuffing something in his mouth so he wouldn’t say anything else he’d regret.

“Nothing?” she asked, her voice so small.

This was a bad idea, Cynthia. You should not have come here. He doesn’t want to see you. You broke his heart. He doesn’t want to see or talk to you ever again.

The loud sigh broke through her internal berating.

“What did you come to say, Cynthia?”

A part of her wondered if he was tormenting her by calling her by her formal name when she’d repeatedly informed him she preferred the nickname, Gypsy, instead. But she knew that wasn’t the case. When things were raw and real between them, nicknames had no place. And her full first name sounded so good passing through his lips that she was almost tempted to ask him to call her that all the time. Maybe create a nickname that was similar but not so long off the tongue.

If there was an ‘all the time’ after this, of course.

“I didn’t come to pity you, Cisco,” she said, standing up.

“No?” He raised his eyebrows dubiously. “Then what? Do you need help with something on your earth?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

His tone was starting to irritate her.

“You know, I was hurt too. It wasn’t just you crying when we last saw each other, or did you conveniently forget that part?” she spat.

He tossed the plastic cup into the sink roughly.

“I didn’t forget. Did you forget why we broke up in the first place?” He started stalking towards her angrily.

“No,” she ground out.

“Then why are you here? Don’t tell me you had a change of heart.”

The sarcasm laced through her, burning every vulnerable word that would have spilled out of her mouth. It was seething and mean and maybe she deserved it, but it was killing the little confidence she had bit by bit. Soon she’d have nothing left except to spew some cruel remarks of her own and go on her way, cry a little when she got home. Maybe throw something. Definitely be tempted to snatch someone up just for the hell of it and then release them later because after all, they probably wouldn’t have done anything wrong.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times, but no words came out.

Her insides were screaming at her to tell him, but her racing heart insisted that the way he was now, he’d never believe her. Maybe he’d insist their break-up had been for the best. She couldn’t bear rejection now, even though she’d given it to him countless times before.

Something in his demeanor softened, but it was clear he was trying to hide it. Now he was the one keeping his guard up.

“Did you have a change of heart?” he asked hesitantly, quietly, not making eye contact.

She knew that was her opening. If she didn’t give the right answer now, he might get angry again. She might never have an opportunity to say what she wanted and for him to be willing to listen and believe it.

So, she nodded subtly.

He seemed to register the movement, even without looking at her, because he flinched and then stared at her straight-on.

“You did?” The disbelief in his voice was clear.

Relief rushed through her.

“Yeah, I… I talked to my dad.”

He stiffened.

She laughed wryly.

“He really likes you now, Cisco.”

His lips twitched at the corners.

“I do have that effect on people.” She glanced up at him. “Usually. Sometimes.” He paused. “In most cases.”

Silence lingered. She took a breath.

“Look, Cisco, I was scared.” He watched her closely, not saying a word. “The truth is…I do want what you want. I want all of it. But…” She licked her lips. “The last guy I was with…he died. He was murdered. And despite getting justice by bringing Abra in…he’s still dead… And I guess I just…”

“You felt responsible.”

“Yeah.” She sighed shakily. “And I lost my mom when I was really young. She died in a car accident.”

“Oh, Cynthia, I’m so sorry.”

She nodded. “It’s fine. It was a long time ago. My dad told me the full story today. I think he hurt from the whole thing more than I did. And not just because he loved her, but because he wouldn’t let her love him until it was too late, and then…” she trailed off, then fixed her eyes on his.

“I…I love you, Cisco.”

His eyes widened.

“I have for a while, but I was terrified to say it, of what it would mean. I didn’t want to get too close to you, spend too much time with you…I found reasons to not visit, because I was so over my head in love with you that I was afraid if something happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to recover, and I-”

But she didn’t get to finish her speech. Because Cisco had invaded her personal space, cupped her face in his hands, and was kissing her, soft and gentle, reaffirming, wiping the tears already tracking down her cheeks.

Startled, but not disappointed, she kissed him back and then cupped his face as well.

“I love you, too,” he said, causing a slow smile to spread across her face. He pulled back, pushing strands of her hair out of her face.

“I know.”

“I want to be with you,” he said, “but I can’t do the couple visits a year thing. I’m ready to go all the way with you, but it’s not going to work if you aren’t too. I can be patient and reassuring and take things slow. You can even get your own place here for a while, but-”

She cut him off this time, kissing him, somehow crowding closer.

“Yes,” she said. “There’s no one else I’d ever want to try that with.”

He licked his lips and started to smile too.

“You know, not to scare you off or anything, but the first time you kissed me, I swore I was going to marry you one day.”

“Cisco,” she warned.

“I know, I know,” he laughed it off. “I’m just telling you. It isn’t like I picked out a ring or anything.”

Yet was so clearly the unspoken message she wanted to scream, but underneath all her fear and apprehension it made her giddy.

She sighed and brushed her hand along the side of his face.

“Cisco…”

He kissed her again, his own heart doing flips.

“So, you’re really doing this? You’re moving here? To be with me? What about your job?”

She rolled her eyes, smiling.

“I can breach to other earths, Cisco. It’ll be easy enough to get my assignments in the morning, carry them out throughout the day, and come home to you when I’m done.”

His sappy grin was her undoing, and she knew she had stars in her eyes.

“Home to me,” he said happily. “I like the sound of that.”

Not even bothering to think up a proper snappy comeback to tease him with, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, kissing him again and again and again.

“Do you like the sound of tha-” he asked, mid-kiss.

“Shut up.” She tried to kiss him again.

“But do yo-”

“You know I do,” she said, and pulled his mouth to hers so she could silence him. “Now shut up, you ass.”

He smiled against her lips, but did as she requested, falling down onto the couch with her and succumbing to the happiness flooding through both of them.

“A cute ass,” he murmured, to which she laughed. “Admit it, I have the cutest-”

“The cutest ass I ever saw,” she confirmed to appease him. “Now shut up and kiss me.”

He was still grinning, which made it hard to kiss, but he did as he was told, and she lost herself in it, in him.

This is worth the risk, she thought. It’s worth coming back. It’s worth everything.

*Also posted on AO3 and FFnet.

[threewaysdivided]

Quality Should Not Be Binary

In my wanders through life in general - and the internet in particular - I’ve noticed a strange mindset regarding the quality of media and the people who produce it.  It’s this weird idea that something is either 100% perfect, flawless and ‘how dare you claim to be a real fan while suggesting there’s anything wrong’, or that it’s completely awful, valueless and ‘you’re a terrible person for enjoying that or thinking it has anything to offer’ - sometimes flipping from one to the other as soon as a ‘flaw’ is revealed, or a ‘bad’ work does something suitably impressive.

This mindset has never really made sense to me.  Maybe I’m a just habitual over-thinker who spends unhealthy amounts of time analysing things, but I can’t see how this sort of absolutist approach would do anything other than shut down discourse, limit the value to be had from a piece and maybe make people angry.

So in honour of that please enjoy some indulgently long navel-gazing about critical analysis and media quality.

Disclaimer: This post is going to summarise my personal philosophy. Everyone approaches life - and especially art - in their own way and far be it for me to say you’re wrong if you prefer a different approach.  You do you.

Blindness Hurts Both Ways

To an extent I get the simple yes/no mindset.  Analysis takes time and it would be exhausting to give an extensive, nuanced breakdown on your view at the start of every discussion.  Plus the whole ‘dissecting the frog’ thing can definitely apply to enjoyment of media.

However, taking it to the point where you’re denying the positive side of things you dislike or refusing to acknowledge faults in works/people you enjoy has the potential to swing around and bite you in the butt.

Why deny yourself a useful experience? I think there’s an important distinction to make between being good and being useful. Subjective, technical or, ethical ‘badness’ is not the same as having no value. Similarly, being touching, entertaining or otherwise enjoyable doesn’t preclude something from having genuine problems.

Personally, I can find it difficult to work out exactly what’s going right in a generally positive piece.  After all, ‘good’ doesn’t hinge on a single point - it’s usually the product of a lot of things working well together, and it can be hard to figure out cause and effect in a system like that. It’s much easier to look at a failed attempt and identify the specific elements that caused problems, where it had the potential to recover, and places where it might be succeeding in spite of those issues. Similarly, some works can be very strong except when it comes to ‘that one thing’, which in itself is a useful reference.  Negative examples can be just as beneficial as positive ones, and turning a blind eye to a piece’s weaker aspects just denies you that tool.

On the other hand, sometimes a piece and/or creator can be ethically awful while being technically strong or succeeding at its intended purpose. In this case, while they’re not positive it can certainly be valuable to analyse the techniques they use, and even apply those tools when selecting and creating things for yourself.

It’s important to remember that acknowledging where something is strong isn’t the same as endorsing or supporting it, and that there’s a huge difference between pointing out a genuine weakness or failing and maliciously hating on a work or creator.

Why give something that much power? Starting with the gentler side, I think it’s important to remember that a work being ‘good’ on the whole shouldn’t be an excuse to gloss over possibly troubling elements or to give creators a free pass on their actions.  Sure, even the best-intentioned artists make bad PR and creative decisions sometimes but it’s also valid to acknowledge and call out possible misbehaviour when it crops up, rather than blindly playing defence until it reaches critical mass and undermines the good of their work (or worse, actually hurts someone).

There can also be a danger to simply writing off and ignoring ‘bad works’, especially if you dislike them based on ethical grounds.  If something ‘bad’ is becoming popular it’s usually a sign that it’s getting at least one thing right - whether that be plugging into an oft-ignored hot-button issue, or simple shock-value and shameless marketing.  Attributing the success of such pieces to blind luck and ignoring any potential merits that got them there opens up the potential for other, similarly objectionable works to replicate that outcome.

Not to mention the issues that can come from letting these things spread unchecked.  Think about how many crackpot theories and extreme notions have managed to gained traction, in part due to a lack of resistance from more moderate or neutral parties who at the time dismissed them as ‘too stupid’ or ‘too crazy to be real’.  Unpleasant as it may be, I think there’s some value in dipping into the discourse around generally negative media.  If nothing else, shining a spotlight on the misinformation or insidious subtext that a work might be propagating can help genuine supporters notice, sidestep or otherwise avoid the potential harms even as they keep enjoying it.

Why lock yourself into a stance like that? Maybe it’s just my desire to keep options open, but it seems like avoiding absolutist stances gives you a lot more room to move.  Publicly championing or decrying a work and flatly rejecting any counterpoints runs the risk of trapping yourself in a corner that might be hard to escape from if your stance happens to change later.  If nothing else, a bit of flexibility can help you back down without too much egg on your face, not to mention shrinking the target area for fans or dissenters who you might have clashed with in the past.

A little give and take can also help build stronger cases when you do want to speak out.  Sometimes it’s better to just acknowledge the counterpoints you agree with and move on to the meat of the debate rather than wasting time tearing down their good points for the sake of ‘winning’.  The ability to concede an argument is a powerful tool - you’d be surprised how agreeable people become when they feel like they’re being listened to.  

Finally, from an enjoyment perspective, is it really worth avoiding or boycotting what could otherwise be a fun or thought-provoking experience just because you don’t 100% agree with it or have criticised it in the past? Sure, there are absolutely times when a boycott is justified but why deny yourself a good time just because it involves an element that’s been arbitrarily labelled ruinous.  ‘With Caveats’ is a perfectly acceptable way to approach things.

Existence vs Presentation of Concepts

A rarer argument that occasionally pops up is the idea that certain works are inherently ‘inappropriate’, ‘distasteful’, or should otherwise be avoided purely based on their subject matter.  Usually this revolves around the presence of a so-called ‘controversial’ topic; things like war, abuse or abusive relationships, sexual content, bigotry and minorities (LBGT+ relationships being a big one right now).

Personally I think this is a reductive and pretty silly way to choose your content.  No topic should be off-limits for any kind of media. (With the possible exception of holding off until the target audience has enough life experience and critical thinking skills to handle it.  There is some value in TV rating systems.)  Yes, some concepts will be uncomfortable to confront, but they are part of life and trying to keep them out of mainstream art simply stifles the valuable real-world discussions and conversations they might spark.

What we should be looking for is how a work handles the concepts it chooses to use.  There’s a world of difference between presenting or commenting on a controversial topic as part of a work, and misrepresenting or tacitly condoning inappropriate behaviour through sloppy (or worse, intentional) presentation choices.  The accuracy of research and portrayals, use of sensitivity and tact, consideration for the audience and overall tone with which a topic is framed are much more worthy of consideration than simply being offended that the idea exists in media at all.

‘Bad’ Art, ‘Good’ People and Vice Versa

I think it’s important to remember that our content creators are, well, people.  They’re going to have their own weird taste preferences, personal biases and odd worldviews that will sometimes show through in their output. They’re also going make mistakes - after all, to err is human.  Unfortunately, in the creative pool you can also find some genuine bigots, egotists, agenda-pushers, abusers and exploitative profiteers who don’t care about the damage their work might be doing.

It can be discomfiting to notice potentially negative subtext in the work or actions of a creator you like, and upsetting to realise that a work you love is the product of a person who you can’t in good conscience support.  Which of course leads to the discussion of art, artists, whether they can be separated and what to do when things go wrong.

Obviously I’m going to be talking primarily about the ethical/moral side of things, as I think most of us are willing to forgive the occasional technical flub, production nightmare or drop in outward quality from creators we otherwise enjoy.

It can also be a touchy subject so I’d like to reiterate that this is just an explanation of my personal philosophy.  My approach isn’t the only way and I won’t say you’re wrong for taking a different stance or choosing to stay out of it entirely.  

‘Bad’ art from an apparently ‘Good’ person In general, when it comes to apparent bad behaviour or negative subtext from otherwise decent creators, I favour the application of Hanlon’s Razor.

Hanlon’s Razor Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence - at least not the first time.

Art is a subjective medium, with multiple readings and interpretations being possible from the same piece.  It’s definitely possible for an author to lack the  awareness or experience needed to notice when unintended implications or alternate readings have crept into their work.  Sensitive topics are tricky to handle at the best of times and seemingly harmless edits or innocuous creative choices can stack into subtly nastier tonal shifts. Similarly, being a good creator doesn’t automatically make them good at PR or talking to fans - it’s easy to get put on the spot or to not realise the connotations of their phrasing and how it may have come across.   Of course this still means someone messed up, and it’s totally reasonable to call them out for ineptness, but I’d take an unfortunate accident over malicious intent any day.

Then there are times when the negative subtext is a lot less unintentional.  In that case I think it’s important to make the distinction between creator sentiment and the sentiment of the work, character or their production team (if collaborating) before making a judgement on them as an individual.  For example, the presence of casual bigotry might be justified in historical piece that’s attempting to accurately portray the culture of the time, and a creator/actor might write/portray a protagonist with biases and proclivities that they personally disagree with for the sake of a more compelling story.  The presence of a worldview within a work doesn’t automatically translate to the opinion of it’s creator.

Similarly, when considering a problematic production or team it’s worth acknowledging which positions hold creative power, if every member is complicit and why a dissenting individual might stay silent; whether out of contractual obligation, a desire not to throw colleagues under the bus or just because they don’t have the financial security to risk rocking the boat or walking away from the role.   It’s important to figure out who the buck stops with before we start pointing fingers.

Overall, I don’t think there’s much value in passing judgement on an artist for the troublesome content in a single work.  You’ll get more mileage and a fairer assessment from looking holistically across their collection and personal/private channels for telling patterns of subtexts and behaviours.  For the most part I prefer to offer the benefit of the doubt until there’s enough supporting evidence or they do something to definitively out themselves.  Speculation fuelled witch-hunts are no fun for anybody.

‘Good’ art from ‘Bad’ people Exactly what defines a ‘bad’ creator will vary (there’s a reason I’ve been putting the terms in inverted commas).  Whether it’s a disagreement with a key opinion/ creative philosophy/ method, that they’ve done something actually heinous/ illegal, or anywhere in between, enjoying a work while being in conflict with the creator can be a difficult situation to reconcile.  Personally I think there's power to the Death of the Author argument in these cases:

Death of the Author An author's intentions and biographical facts (political views, religion, race etc.) should hold no special weight in determining an interpretation of their writing.

If you’ve found value or enjoyment in a work then you’re well within your rights to enjoy the work on those grounds, even if the message you’ve personally taken from it runs counter to the original author’s opinions or intentions.  

It’s also important to remember that a creator’s personal and/or moral failings don’t retroactively invalidate their skill and achievements in their field.   It’s possible for a person to continue offering valuable insights, observations and lessons on their chosen speciality in spite of their other behaviour or stances.  Their work can have value in isolation, although it may be worth taking the information with a grain of salt when it comes to possible biases.

This becomes a little harder when the disagreeable sentiments bleed directly into their creations but, again, there’s no reason why you can’t decide that the strengths of a work are worth looking at even if they take some squinting past uncomfortable elements to appreciate.

The question should never be ‘can I still enjoy the art?’ because that answer is always yes - if you liked it before learning about the artist then you’re allowed to keep doing so afterwards.  The new context may add caveats to the discussion but it doesn’t demerit the existing positive aspects.

However, Death of the Author runs into problems when the creator is still alive.  If the artist is out of the picture then you can engage freely without any financial support or publicity going back to them.  When they’re still around the question becomes ‘do I still feel comfortable supporting them?’ This is particularly relevant when it comes to online creators, as just interacting with their content can generate passive ad revenue, increase view counts and contribute to algorithm boosts.

I honestly don’t think there’s any one answer to this particular question.  It all comes down to a personal case-by-case judgement; weighing the severity of the conflict against how much you value their work and, in the case of creative teams, whether you think their colleagues are worth supporting despite them.  Even if you decide to pull back there are soft options before going for a full boycott; using ad-block to limit passive financial contributions, buying physical media second-hand or lending/borrowing hard copies to avoid generating any new purchases.

There are creators that I disagree with politically but continue to enjoy because their stance isn’t especially harmful or is relatively minor compared to the value of their work.  There are creators who I no longer want to support but whose pieces I like enough that I don’t regret having purchased from them in the past.  On the other hand, there’s a creative team whose content I adore in isolation but who I’ve had to drop entirely after their leader was outed as an emotionally manipulative office bully.  Where someone else would draw that line comes down to their own personal standards, and it wouldn’t surprise me if another person took a completely different approach.

Don’t be a Jerk

I feel like this should go without saying.  Rational discussion is great.  Being able to have a critical discourse - even one that’s focused on the more negative sides of a work - is wonderful.  Opinions are fun.

However, the thing with opinions is that a lot of them differ.  We aren’t always going to sync up and there are times when you shouldn’t, and won’t be able to, force someone to agree.  In that case, please don’t attack them over it.  You don’t have to like or respect their views but some basic civility would be appreciated.  You’re trying to have a conversation, not win a catfight.  Condescension, derision, high-horsing, ad hominem and otherwise getting personal doesn’t tend to win many friends or endear them to your perspective.   And to the rare few who go so far as to threaten or harass fans, creators and their families; that’s an awful, completely unnecessary, out of line thing to do. (Seriously, never do this, it won’t help and just makes you look crazy.  Also, it can be considered criminal behaviour.)

It’s also important to know when to let things go.  You’re not always going to be able to turn the tide and constantly chasing the argument, stirring the pot and fighting waves of push-back eventually reaches a point of diminishing returns.  No matter how important the issue is there’ll be times when you’re just screaming into the void.  The best you can do is make your peace, say your piece and take your leave.  After all it’s not the school playground.  And unlike the playground, we’re not obliged to stick around.

Value Judgements: It’s Good to Examine Your Tastes

At the end of the day I think you get more mileage from reaching an opinion based on a value judgement of a work’s positive and negative sides than you do from just bandwagoning into blind adoration or hate.  ‘Perfect’ and ‘Unsanctionable’ aren’t binary boxes - they’re points on a scale, and figuring out where you stand on a piece can be a useful mental exercise.  Even if your opinion ends up matching the general consensus, at least you know how you got there and can defend yourself if challenged.  

If nothing else this kind of thing can help you figure out what elements you like, dislike and prioritise in media, and where your personal boundaries lie in regard to different issues.

Still, even after all this there are plenty more factors that determine whether or not you’ll enjoy something.  I’ve dropped way more pieces for not being to my subjective liking than I have due to technical or ethical flaws.  Your tastes are your own, and if needed you can stop the conversation at ‘it’s just not my thing’.

In the end there’s no ‘correct’ way to be a fan of something.  We’re all just here to have fun.  So try not to be an ass when you run across someone who does things differently.

[barberjourney-blog]

Let’s start from the beginning...

     Well here goes. My first attempt at blogging. That is, unless you count the occasional snarky comment on Facebook or that week in college I tried to do Xanga. Why a blog you might ask? Well, I’ve always considered myself a better communicator through the written word. I come from a family of writers. My sister is an editor for a publishing company. My mom’s list of published works include short stories, magazine articles, and children’s Sunday School curriculum. Even my dad has been known to pen a witty sonnet (usually on the topic of what he cooked for dinner or an embellished fishing trip story). So I guess writing is a family tradition. And although I haven’t practiced the skill in quite a while, it’s always been something I’ve rather enjoyed. I think it’s the organization that I like. Sometimes when I speak, my words get ahead of my thoughts, but not so with writing. Writing is more controlled. I’m able to key a thought, then read it and process it. If I don’t like what I’ve said, that backspace click is just a few finger strokes up. 

      I’m one paragraph in and already rambling. Forgive me. Let’s get to the point of this thing.

     If you’ve followed my Instagram over the last couple of years, you may have noticed a trend in my posts. I’ve visited a lot of barbershops over the last 2 years. A LOT. I‘ve lost count of the exact number a while back, but I’d estimate I’ve seen 20+ shops over the last 12 months. I’ve visited shops in New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Nashville, Birmingham, Huntsville, Tuscaloosa, and Gulf Shores just to name a few. Now, I’m not talking about the salon where your mom goes. Or Sports Clips. I’m talking about the good old fashioned men’s barbershop. The kind of shop maybe you’ve only seen in movies. Men sitting around the shop discussing sports, politics, family, and life. Maybe some good tunes on the radio and the aroma of a hot cup of joe wafting through the air. And a skilled, seasoned barber honing his craft at the chair. His hands are surgical and his gift with the clippers, comb, and shears are a unique combination of skill and art.

     These shops fascinate me! I love the freedom men feel at these places. The freedom to unwind, be themselves, and speak their minds. I I love the way a good hair cut makes me feel. Confident and put together. I love the nostalgia I feel while I’m there. Reminiscent of a different time when the world was smaller, things moved slower, and people cared about each other. I guess you could say I love everything about them.

     A few shops I’ve visited, researched, and loved over the last 2 years...

Greasy Hands Barbershop - Florence, AL 

The Commodore Tonsorial Parlor - Atlanta, GA 

Scout’s Barbershop - Nashville, TN 

Shed Barber & Supply - Austin, TX 

     Let’s hit pause here and rewind the tape a little (for those of you 18 and under reading this, ask your parents what rewind the tape means).  In 2008, Shannon and I moved from Tuscaloosa to Birmingham and almost immediately began attending The Church at Brookhills. We knew after the first week the Lord was moving in this church and He was going to move within us as well if we got onboard. We joined the church, got plugged into a small group (more on that later), and began “doing life” with the faith family there. The pastor was a skinny, jeans wearing, shirt untucked, blonde guy who looked more like a fraternity brother we’d seen in Tuscaloosa than a pastor of a “mega church”. His name was David Platt and he would change my life forever.

     I hope at some point on this blog to dive deeper into my own faith story, but for the purposes of this post, I’ll be succinct. Christ became my Savior at the age of 16, but there was very little spiritual growth until my early 20’s. That is, until we joined The Church at Brookhills. The Lord used this church, my small group, and David Platt to completely transform what I knew, or thought I knew, about surrendering my life to Christ.

     Let me preach a second here.

     Every day, I am made more and more aware of the “cultural Christianity” that surrounds me. Especially here in the deep south, asking someone if they’re a Christian is like asking them if they drink sweet tea. Well, yes of course. So many of our churches have preached the easiness of salvation and that all you have to do is “say this prayer, ask Jesus into your heart, and believe.” And that’s true. Sort of. The Bible is very clear that “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Romans 10:13). However, where I think many have dropped the ball is on the aftermath. I’ve “accepted” Christ. Now what? Pastor David now famously quoted this in one of his sermons during our time at Brookhills:

      “Accept Him? Do we really think Jesus needs our acceptance? Don’t we need Him? Jesus is no longer one to be accepted or invited in but one who is infinitely worthy of our immediate and total surrender.”

     Surrender? What does that mean? David would say “giving the Lord a blank check with your life.” My new beloved pastor, Jamey Pruett, calls it “putting your yes on the table.” I like both analogies, but what do they really mean? This is where I feel many of us have missed the mark. This point, this crucial element for salvation is not being explained and driven home through discipleship in many churches. If Christ is your Savior, the Bible says you are a new creation. The old is gone and the new has come (1 Corinthians 5:17). And this “new creation” now has a new responsibility. Jesus cannot only be a “personal Lord and Savior”, but rather He is a Savior to whom we must completely submit and surrender control of our lives. “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). Or as we sing from the old Baptist Hymnal, “Wherever He leads, I’ll go.” And He asks us to do something very specific with that surrendering: make His name known among the nations. The Great Commission. Spread the Gospel. He’s not just your personal savior. He’s a savior worth living for. And if necessary, dying for.

     At this point you may be asking yourself “what in the name of Paul Mitchell does this all have to do with barbershops?” If you’ve read this far, stay with me. I promise I’m getting there.

     In 2010, Pastor David began preaching through a sermon series at Brookhills entitled “Radical”. He would also publish a New York Times best seller similarly themed and titled “Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream.” This series and book ruined me. For the better. Let me just give you a few quotes from the book and I think you’ll get the gist:

     “Radical obedience to Christ is not easy. It’s not comfort, not health, not wealth, and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all these things. But in the end, such risk finds its reward in Christ. And he is more than enough for us.”

     “We are settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves.”

     “But then I realized there is never going to be a day when I stand before God and He looks at me and says, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’ I’m confident that God will take care of me.”

     I read this book back to back with another book from a teacher and author who has also had an enormous impact on my life: John Piper. His book was called “Don’t Waste Your Life”. Let me also give you a quote from this book that has both challenged me and haunted me all at the same time:

     “Three weeks ago, we got word at our church that Ruby Eliason and Laura Edwards had both been killed in Cameroon. Ruby was over eighty. Single all her life, she poured it out for one great thing: to make Jesus Christ known among the unreached, the poor, and the sick. Laura was a widow, a medical doctor, pushing eighty years old, and serving at Ruby’s side in Cameroon.

The brakes give way, over the cliff they go, and they’re gone — killed instantly.

And I asked my people: was that a tragedy? Two lives, driven by one great vision, spent in unheralded service to the perishing poor for the glory of Jesus Christ — two decades after almost all their American counterparts have retired to throw their lives away on trifles in Florida or New Mexico. No. That is not a tragedy. That is a glory.

I tell you what a tragedy is. I’ll read to you from Reader’s Digest what a tragedy is. “Bob and Penny . . . took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51. Now they live in Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their thirty foot trawler, playing softball and collecting shells.”

That’s a tragedy. And people today are spending billions of dollars to persuade you to embrace that tragic dream. And I get forty minutes to plead with you: don’t buy it. With all my heart I plead with you: don’t buy that dream. The American Dream: a nice house, a nice car, a nice job, a nice family, a nice retirement, collecting shells as the last chapter before you stand before the Creator of the universe to give an account of what you did: “Here it is Lord — my shell collection! And I’ve got a nice swing, and look at my boat!”

 Don’t waste your life; don’t waste it.”

      I have spent countless hours and sleepless nights pondering that thought: How do I keep from wasting my life?

           The Lord used my pastor, my small group, and these books to help me process and understand something I somehow had missed over the course of my “church kid” life. I was not saved from my sin to live a selfish, care free life filled with comforts, trivial pursuits, and “stuff”. I was saved because the Father loved me infinitely and perfectly. And He wanted to me share this good news, this Gospel: that He loved the world enough to send His only Son as a ransom for sinners. Plain and simple. That was my purpose in life. That was my purpose for being created. To make the name of Jesus known far and wide.

           I’ve struggled over the years to know exactly what that’s supposed to look like. I’m a big believer in the Lord’s sovereignty and that He calls us to different jobs, different cities, different friends, etc for seasons where He expects us to do His work. But I’ve found myself questioning over the years, should I be doing more? If my life is truly being lived in complete submission to Christ, should I be working in vocational ministry? Should I go to seminary? Should I be on staff at a church? Should I work for a nonprofit ministry? Let me share with you what I believe the Lord has been teaching me through this season of questioning and searching.

           The Lord certainly uses vocational ministers to do His work. They are “called”, gifted, and uniquely led by the Holy Spirit to spread the Gospel. But God also uses “regular people” to do His work. Vocational ministry is not the calling for every believer. The gospel of Jesus Christ is spread every day by doctors, policemen, receptionists, construction workers, school teachers, and business professionals. It’s part of the beauty of this Christian life. The Lord in His goodness equips and uses all of His children to advance the kingdom.

      We’ve certainly taken the scenic route in this post, but we’re almost home. 

           The Lord has given me a vision for how I can serve Him and advance the Gospel in my community. Before you go and get Pentecostal on me, not that kind of vision. I was not struck with a blinding light, nor did I hear a voice from Heaven. Rather, He gave me comprehension. An understanding of who I am, what I’m passionate about, how He has gifted me, how He has equipped me, and how He wants me to use these things to serve Him:

I believe the Lord is calling me to open a business. Specifically, a barbershop.

           I could write another lengthy post on how the Lord has affirmed this to me over the last several months and I certainly plan to dive deeper into that at another time.  For now, I’ll give you just a couple of insights on how I’ve come to this conclusion:

1.)    Me: Who am I? Who has the Lord created me to be? How has He gifted me? I can answer that in a few sentences. I have been created as an extremely relational person. Relationships and people matter to me. A lot. I thrive on being around other people. I “come to life” you might say. I need meaningful friendships and conversation. When I go through seasons where my relationships are strained or stale, it changes me. I am at my best – my truest self – when I am in the fellowship and community of people I love.

Additionally, the Lord has given me the spiritual gifts of mercy and hospitality. Mercy – the ability to empathize with others. To be a listening ear. To care for and about people. Hospitality – hosting others in your space and creating a welcoming environment. Opening your home (or place of business) to others and shepherding them.

Practically, I have nearly 15 years’ experience in customer service and managing businesses. I understand the logistics that factor into running a successful business. And I love it. The job just suits me. Engaging customers and employees in conversations, listening to them, helping them solve a problem: the basic job description embodies who I am.

2.)    Community: Shannon and I moved to Arab for the purpose of living close to family and raising our children in the same kind of small town environment in which we were raised. The Lord had greater plans. We have fallen deeply in love with our church and our community. We feel like we belong here. And because we are certain this is where the Lord has planted us, I want to serve my community well. This business will be my base of operations from where I can invest in our community.

I heard a friend from college, Tim Milner, speak at a missions conference at our church last year. Tim is now a pastor in Huntsville and I though I can’t recall the entirety of his sermon, one point from his message spoke to me. Screamed at me might be a better way of putting it: As Christians, let’s not be so focused on reaching the Nations that we forget about our brothers and sisters down the street who need Christ. My Brookhills background had saturated me with an urgency for international missions, but the Lord spoke to me that night during Tim’s message and began softening my heart to the spiritual needs of the people of Arab. I love them and I want to create a business that attends to both their physical and spiritual needs.

      This post has gone much longer than I intended and I fear I may already lost some future readers, but I wanted to thoroughly explain my vision and my heart as best I could. I promise I will try to be more concise with future posts. So let me wrap it up. The goal of this blog, for those of you who care to follow, is to create a space where you can come alongside me in this journey. I am confident that the Lord has set me on this path, but that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. I desperately covet your prayers and wisdom as I strive to be faithful and obedient in this. Here are a few specific areas I would ask for your prayers:

-          Pray that the Lord would give me great wisdom as I explore the best avenue for barber training.

-          Pray that the Lord’s timing would be clear and that all logistics would fall into place according to His plan, not mine.

-          Pray the Lord would begin working in the heart of someone or multiple someones to serve alongside me in this venture.

-          Pray that I would continue to pray and cling to Proverbs 19:1. “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

-          Pray that I would love my wife and children well and show them Jesus through this season of change.

-          Pray that ultimately Christ would receive all the glory and His name be exalted in all of this. 

Thankful for each of you. More to come soon…

Drew

[cameoamalthea]

there is ABSOLUTELY a “wrong way to process trauma” and that is by retraumatizing yourself “to cope” and being a pedophile :/

Hi there Anon,

This will be a long response and part of it is under a read more. My theme is not very reader friendly (sorry - need to fix that) so I suggest reading on your dash if you have the extension for that or copy/pasting into a document. Sorry again.

I assume you’re referencing this post. I’m not sure what drama has gone in the thread from that post, because no one reblogged any commentary meant for me from me, but based on your ask I’m assuming some folks misunderstood me. Allow me to clarify.  

The point of the post is to respond to @shipwhateveryouwant ‘s post about lack of empathy by pointing out that empathy is hard, especially if you’re dealing with triggers.

I was talking to her.

The “There’s no wrong way to react trauma” refers to getting upset other things that trigger you and coming to the conclusion ‘this is gross’ ‘this is triggering’ ‘this is wrong’

It’s OK to feel that way.

It’s OK to feel anyway that you feel, because your emotions are 100% valid.

However, as my post recommended, it’s important to fact check.

A bit of background, in case you just came here because of that post and aren’t stalking my blog.  I’m a survivor of abuse, including CSA, and that left me with scars, both physical and mental.  I’m in group therapy DBT, individual therapy which includes EMDR, couple’s therapy (sometimes when two people who have PTSD are in a relationship it can be hard, since we both have to cope with the effect of our partner’s abuse on the other), and I did a year of physical therapy (pelvic floor).

I blog about my recovery, and things I learn because A) Being open about being in therapy (while making me a bit vulnerable) says ‘therapy is nothing to be ashamed of’ and neither is being a survivor, I’m not pretending it never happened AND B) So people who might not have heard about these treatment options of think nothing can help, can see what worked for someone else and know what happened (literally, it took me years to find a treatment plan that worked, and I really thought I was permanently damaged mentally and physically, so it was a big deal when I found out there were things that could help me).

So in my post I used an example of one my big triggers, drugs and the drug trade (I really really have major issues here). However, when I got out of emotion mind and checked the facts, I realized fans of breaking bad weren’t hurting anyone and weren’t trying to hurt me.

I was trying to explain to OP why empathy is such hard work, especially when you’re caught up in you’re emotions. When you’re angry, or hurt or scared.

I’m not angry that people enjoy a TV show that I don’t like…

I’m angry (tw discussion of addiction, child abuse, csa)

 that I was born with drugs in my system. I’m angry that my mother continued to use on and off while raising me. I’m angry she fell into heavy drug use and endangered my life. I’m angry I was raped as a kid. I’m angry my own mother threatened to sell me to self traffickers and tried to get me be sexually active at like 13/14 with boys my age she’d leave alone with me (whether I wanted them there or not) because she thought it would make me more willing to turn tricks for her because she needed money (she was supposed to sell drugs for the cartel, but she felt you had to sell drugs Mary Kay style using herself as the free demo, she owed them a lot of money).

 I’m angry that I lost my mother, that the person I love disappeared inside the addiction and she became a really awful person when was high. She wasn’t great when she was mostly sober, she always had untreated mental illness and she was always abusive/inappropriate verging on incest, but she’s still my mother and she was all I had and I loved her. I was a child, you love your mommy, and I’m angry that I didn’t have a mother I didn’t have to be afraid of and I 100% blame the drug use because addiction is a fucked up thing.

So I got angry when I saw artists I liked posting Breaking Bad fanart AUs and candy meth picks, because it felt like they were treating something very not funny (drugs and drug addiction, along with the pain I’ve had as a result) as a joke.

However, how I felt doesn’t dictate facts.

I had to step back, check the facts, and realize people liking Breaking Bad weren’t trying to hurt me (or actually hurting me. What other people watch on TV doesn’t effect me).

 They weren’t trying to make fun of my experiences or make light of a serious issue. I also knew from my academic research on the topic of whether media influences norm that it really doesn’t… (I did a pre-law minor focused on social justice, and Freshmen Year I set out to prove porn hurt women and caused rape, and quickly found that evidence didn’t support my thesis, video games don’t cause violence, porn doesn’t cause sexual violence – and no I don’t still have the paper, unless I manage to find it on an old hard drive and most of my sources are outdated by now, I’d have to re-research – but I’m actually not here to argue the point).

So I believed, based on evidence and my own research, that media is worthy of critique but doesn’t influence behavior directly. This is my own belief, and I don’t want to argue it. But despite that, despite the fact I didn’t think fiction causes crime, I HATED BREAKING BAD. I felt like it was romanticizing Drugs and making people not take something serious seriously…

Because I wasn’t thinking about it rationally.

I was thinking about it based on my emotions. How I felt.

In DBT we learn that to think of your mind like a Venn Diagram. Rational Mind is one circle, Emotional Mind is in the other circle, and in between is Wise Mind.

Wise Mind is acknowledging your emotions/how something makes you feel but also being able to bring in rational mind, to fact check, which means asking does how I feel fit the facts and remembering that feeling something doesn’t make it true.

If you’re just in rational mind, you can be cold and ignore other people’s feelings, which can make them feel invalidated and make you less effective in dealing with your own feelings (don’t ignore them) and others.

If you’re just in emotional mind, you’re not thinking clearly. You might break down and cry or lash out and hurt someone. You can’t really address the thing that’s upsetting you because you’re not in a place where you can even think clearly about it without getting upset.

If pure rational mind is behind the wheel you’re not a good driver, if pure emotion mind is behind the wheel you’re not ok to drive.

It’s not easy to find wise mind. Mindfulness is the most practiced skill in DBT  (it’s a year long class and six months of it just repeating Mindfulness and the other six months are bringing in those skills to apply to other issues…Wise Mind is from the unit on Emotional Regulation…I’ve been in DBT for nearly four years, repeating the class, honing the skills – it’s not easy).

But we should try, for ourselves and others.

I hope OP takes from my post some understanding of where you’re coming from anon and that it’s really hard to be empathetic when something makes you angry, let alone when you’re triggered.

That it’s important to validate.

Rational Mind says ‘people are taking fiction way to seriously. It’s just a TV show, there’s no reason to be upset’

Wise Mind is realizing that feelings aren’t rational and they really are hurting. Even if they don’t lay out their feelings clearly like I did with ‘why Breaking Bad upsets me’ it’s enough to see that someone is upset. If someone is upset, it’s serious to them, validate that.

“I’m sorry that you were hurt. I understand that this reminds you of your trauma. I will tag anything you need. No one should pressure you to deal with triggers you aren’t ready to deal with and I want to make it possible for you avoid things. You seem really upset right now, though, so I don’t think we should fight about anything. We’re not in a place where we can. be calm and get anything out of it. You seem really caught up in a lot of negative emotions. Why don’t you take a break. Go get some ice cream or color or get your mind off things for bit? If you don’t think you’ll ever be ‘not upset’, then I’ll go ahead and block you since my content is bothering you. Have a nice day.”

I hope that you anon, if you bother to read all the way here, takes away from this post that it’s ok to be angry, but realize that feelings aren’t fact and being upset doesn’t justify hurting others.

And attacking people based on what they read or what TV shows they like is hurting others.

Calling anyone a pedophile is hurtful. (that’s a very serious accusation Anon, and not one your should use lightly. Don’t go crying wolf about child predators, it makes people less likely to take real accusations seriously - like if someone calls someone else a pedophile does that mean they’re a sexual predator and a child molester or does that mean they like a TV show I don’t like or read stories that I find upsetting). Again, your feelings are valid Anon, but someone liking a TV show you don’t like doesn’t make them a danger to anyone. Hurting real children makes them a danger to children. We shouldn’t water down terms. We need to take threats to people seriously.

Calling CSA survivors pedophiles, comparing survivors to their abusers or implying they are to blame for their abuse past or future is hurtful.

I like Game of Thrones. I think Jon and Danny are a good match, both as people and politically. I don’t see anything wrong with the relationship, she’s biologically his aunt but they have no relationship.

I like Ouran High School Host Club, and my favorite characters are the twins. Sometimes you can like a messed up story because it’s messed up. It’s just a story.

I ship Catwoman and Batman, and think they’re cute together in Gotham. I like that backstory. I also think Mike and Eleven are cute together. 

I like reading and writing fanfic about teenage video game characters that I’ve liked since I was a teenager. I relate to a video game character and take something positive from his story and his relationship with his best friend even though the relationship in game is unhealthy.

This isn’t ‘re-traumatizing’ myself and it’s not ‘being a pedophile’. 

I have a degree in creative writing and I look at books as works of art and craft, not moral guides. I look at characters as tools, not people.

That’s not ‘being a pedophile’ that’s being someone with an English Degree (I miss just being able to identify as an English major, saying I have a degree sounds so pretentious to me). That’s being a writer. 

I admit that I like relationships between predator and prey, between people and monsters. That’s not ‘re-traumatizing myself’ either.

Abuse, in my experience, has been when someone you love, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust and feel safe with instead hurts you and makes you unsafe. It’s a betrayal of trust. It makes you question if you’re lovable or worthy of love because someone who was supposed to care for you hurt you.

I like stories about monsters. You’re not supposed to be able to trust a monster. The monster makes you feel afraid. It’s going to hurt you. It’s nature is to hurt you. I like stories where instead of killing you the monster falls in love with you and changes, becomes loving and trustworthy and keeps you safe. It’s a fantasy of being so special, or mattering so much, of being so love able that that you can tame dragons. 

It’s about the inverse of abuse. A power fantasy. Exploring fear and helplessness within a safe controlled fantasy.

That’s not ‘re-traumatizing’ myself. I promise, I’m fine anon. I’m not hurting myself and I have a support network. Thank you for your concern, though, but please remember you’re not responsible for anyone else.

It’s scary, but you don’t control the world or others. If you’re afraid someone is doing something that hurts them, sometimes you have to accept you can’t change that. (And that’s hard, I know, my mother is a drug addict). Sometimes you have to distance yourself. If people are doing things that upset you, block them and that content, take a step back. 

[spiritionary]

Deities in Buddhism, Pt. 1: Devas and Devis

Hey, Mod Fire here! For those who have not grown up with Buddhism, are just beginning to research it, or have only seen depictions of it in pop culture, Buddhism can be very confusing. Many mix ups arise such as who and what buddhas are, whether Buddhism is a religion or a philosophy or something else, conflating Hinduism with Buddhism in many ways… it’s a lot to wade through if you haven’t studied it in depth, grown up with it, or actually converted to it. I can’t tackle every issue in one post (see my masterpost for more Buddhism topics), and so today I’m going to discuss a particularly big source of confusion: atheism vs. gods and goddesses in Buddhism.

But I thought Buddhists were atheists…

You could potentially call Buddhism panentheistic, polytheistic, monotheistic, OR atheistic and make a valid point. This is because the way that gods and goddesses are traditionally defined does not perfectly match up with how Buddhism views deities. There are also many different branches and sects of Buddhism, which have all changed over time, and so it’s difficult to classify all of Buddhism one way. In this post, I’ll be coming mainly from a Vajrayana Buddhist perspective as that is the branch of Buddhism that I practice.

Two Types of Buddhist Deities

In Buddhism, there are two types of spirits that I call “deities.” These are devas/devis and yidams. They are very different from each other and some do not classify yidams as deities, but I consider both yidams and devas to fall under the umbrella category of gods/goddesses/deities. In this post, I’m going to discuss devas and devis in both Hinduism and Buddhism, explain their roles in each religion, and discuss why this is significant to understand the prevalence of atheism in Buddhism.

Devas and Devis

The Sanskrit term deva/devi comes from Hinduism, and essentially means god (deva) and goddess (devi). For convenience, I will use the term devas to refer to both male and female in the same way gods is often used to mean gods and goddesses. Some of the big theological differences between Hinduism and Buddhism lie in how each religion views devas. This can vary between different branches of Hinduism, but generally, the many devas in Hinduism are manifestations or emanations of Brahman, the Ultimate Reality of the universe. Humans are believed to have souls or Atman, the eternal Self, which is really one with Brahman. By worshipping and working with devas, one is able to progress towards uniting their individual sense of Atman with the universal divine Brahman and become spiritually one with the universe.

Traditionally, Buddhism recognizes the existence of the Hindu devas and even features them prominently in art, literature, and the story of Siddartha Gautama, Shakyamuni Buddha, commonly known as “The Buddha.” When Shakyamuni Buddha reached enlightenment under the bodhi tree, the story goes that the demon Mara challenged his enlightened status. Shakyamuni reached down to the ground beneath him and called on the earth itself which was synonymous at that time with the earth goddess Prithvi, also known as Bhumi Devi. She is said to have protected Shakyamuni and bore witness to his enlightenment, attesting to his worthiness to be a buddha. Though many modern Buddhists do not often think of the earth goddess as having a role in Buddhism, this story is referenced frequently in Buddhist iconography through the bumispharsha or “earth-touching” mudra. Prithvi is just one example of many devas who not only get mentioned in important Buddhist stories but are described in a positive light as supporting or protecting Buddhism.

Where Hinduism and Buddhism Split

One might wonder if devas have been a part of Buddhism literally since its inception at the moment of Shakyamuni Buddha’s enlightenment, then why are many Buddhists self-proclaimed atheists? Why does Buddhism have a well-known reputation for being atheistic? That’s because although traditional Buddhism has portrayed some devas like Privthi or Indra as being positive and influential figures, there is a very key difference between how Buddhism views devas and how Hinduism does.

Shakyamuni Buddha disagreed with the concept of Atman and Brahman, saying that neither actually exists. Instead of striving to become one with the universe, Buddhists strive to let go of attachments in order to become free from suffering and the cycle of rebirth called samsara. Within samsara, there are multiple planes of existence from being a human to an animal to a “hungry ghost” to a deva. Rather than emanations of the Brahman, in Buddhism devas are viewed as beings who are living much longer lives on higher planes of existence, naked to the ordinary human eye. However, unlike the Hindu concept of devas as eternal, in Buddhism devas may live eons but will eventually die and be reborn like any other being in samsara. Instead of being worshipped themselves, even devas can learn to practice Buddhism and hope to one day reach enlightenment just like any human being.

Devas in Buddhism Today

Hopefully, by now it’s clear why Buddhism has a very different idea of what gods and goddesses are than Hinduism and other polytheistic and pagan religions. Since the main principles of Buddhism discourage worshipping devas and don’t rely on any kind of belief in them, it’s not necessary for modern Buddhists to believe in them and so many do not, leading to a large majority of Buddhists today becoming atheists or functionally being atheists in the sense that they do not worship or interact with devas even if they believe in them.

It’s important to note that how the concept of devas relates to Buddhism and polytheism and paganism at large. Some people might argue that devas and devis are not the same as gods and goddesses in general. When comparing any religion its important to understand how deities have different properties and definitions, but deva and devi is so frequently used interchangeably with god and goddess that I think it is as acceptable to equate the terms as it is to call anything from vastly different cultures “deities.” One simply has to understand that the implications are different depending on whether you look at the same goddess Privthi from a Hindu, Buddhist, or another religious perspective.

My Personal Views on Devas

I think of deities as spirits that are at a certain threshold of power and influence - so the label deity to me is more a flexible perspective or classification of certain spirits. Personally, as a Buddhist, I regard the vast majority of gods and goddesses in polytheistic and pagan religions as deities and within that category of deities as devas. Not every Buddhist may feel this way, but to me, all the gods and goddesses of every major pantheon are devas and devis. I choose to think of them as devas because I also consider yidams, which I’ll explain later, to be deities as well but completely different from devas. I see them as being very super powerful spirits with a limited lifespan - they may live for eons and eons, but each one’s life will eventually come to an end.

I think of this like the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the planets - all are personified as deities and from a human perspective they’re super powerful and seem almost limitless, but eventually in millions or billions of years the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, etc. will all be gone away. I appreciate their influence, their presence, their power, and the roles they play in the lives of those who worship them.

I will often interact with devas and perhaps sometimes give offerings as a way of connecting with nature and practicing spirit work. But I do not worship or work with them in a very religious way. I work with devas much in the same way I would work with spirits, but I just see them as way more powerful and longer living.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the biggest take away from this post I hope is understanding that it does make a lot of sense when Buddhists describe themselves as atheists, and that is a totally valid classification for any Buddhist. It would also be valid potentially (depending on the person) to describe the way someone practices Buddhism as polytheistic or pagan. Although Buddhism states that worshipping devas is not going to help you become enlightened, it does not make someone less Buddhist to do so anyway. Not all Buddhists are vegetarians or adhere to every rule mentioned in the sutras just as not every Christian follows all the laws of the Old Testament. In fact, just as many Buddhists are atheist, many Buddhists do worship gods/deities/devas such as many Japanese Buddhists who may pray both to buddhas and to kami, Shinto deities.

So if you’re a Buddhist, know the dharma and do what works best for you and your path. If you’re not a Buddhist, remember that Buddhists have a wide variety of beliefs ranging from atheism to polytheism (and more).

~ Mod Fire

---> Have questions? Send them to us at SpiritFAQ!

[fallen029]

One to Ten

"On a scale of one to ten," Mirajane sang as she went around the hall that night, cleaning up the place, "how expensive do you think my wedding dress is, Master?"

Makarov, from his place atop the bar, sipping on his last beer of the night before they closed up, said without hesitation, "Seven."

"What?" Laxus was there too, seated at the bar, with his own final beverage. Water. Mira said he'd had enough to drink. Heh. "How does that even make sense? How are you rating this? Seven what? Seven thousand jewels? Hundred? Is that how this is working? I mean-"

"Dragon, you don't understand what we're saying and that's fine," Mirajane sighed from over by the request board, where she was hanging the new ones for the following day (she had the morning shift off and knew if she didn't hang the ones she had before she left, Lisanna would forget to do it when she came in to open). "You don't understand a lot of things."

"I understand plenty."

"But Master and I are talking about important things right now, okay?" She was talking to him like a kid. If Laxus wasn't so plastered (and hoping the fact she had the morning off the next day would lead to something back at their place), he might have carped about this. "So just drink your water and sober up."

"I'm not drunk." Or, at least, not black out drunk. And that was the only type of drunk that was dangerous. "Demon."

Humming, she glanced over at her boys once more, watching as Makarov tossed the rest of his beer back and Laxus only made faces down at the water in his own mug. Still in that upbeat tone, she asked, "Master, on a scale of one to ten, how big do you think my dress is?"

"Five."

"On a scale of one to ten, how great do you think it is?"

"Ten."

"On-"

"On a scale to one to ten," Laxus grumbled over the sound of his fiancee, "do you know that you're paying for this yet or not, old man?"

Snorting, Makarov said, "I'm paying for the venue."

"The venue is your damn guildhall!"

"That's right, my boy. And I'm waving all fees. Aren't you happy with me, Mirajane?"

"A straight ten, Master."

Ugh. Laxus took a sip of his water before saying, "How have you not even seen her dress yet, Master? She's been showing it off to everyone. Other than me." Then, as an afterthought, he added, "She hasn't shown me just what it set me back yet either..."

"Mira wants to surprise me," the old man said with a nod of his head.

"Surprise you? What are you talking about? She's gonna surprise me! I'm the one marrying her, old man."

"Only with my blessing."

"Gramps, you're on my last nerve today."

"Cheer up, my boy." Makarov picked up his staff, as it laid across his lap, with his free hand and used it to knock Laxus in the head, making the slayer growl. "You know I'm really paying for the damn dress."

"That neither of us have still seen."

"It's so great though," Mira assured them with a grin. Neither of the men were looking at her, but she couldn't help it. All great things came in threes. The Holy Trinity. Her and her siblings. The Thunder Legion. And now her family by marriage; her, Makarov, and Laxus.

Mmmm.

"Is it low cut?"

"L-Laxus!"

"Gramps wants to know too," he defended. "He just won't admit- You hit me with that damn staff again, old man, and I'll break it over your back."

"You threaten me again, boy, and I'll break your back."

Okay. So maybe the three of them together wasn't always perfect.

Still great though.

"It's beautiful," she told them both, hoping to distract them again. Then, grin returning, she said, "Master, on a scale of-"

"No." Laxus sent his demon a look. "No more nonsensical rating. The man hasn't even seen the dress! And your rates are complete dribble. Just finish closing up so that we can go."

"But I'm having so much fun."

"So much fun cleaning up?" the slayer asked with a frown.

"Uh-huh."

"That's...Mira..."

"She'd be done faster," Makarov remarked with a look at his grandson, "if a certain someone would help her."

"Yeah, and maybe she'd not have to work so much," Laxus retorted, "if she had a competent boss that gave her some actual help-"

"I try to give her days off! All the time! The woman won't-"

"He's not concerned with my work schedule, Master," Mirajane assured the old man. "Are you, dragon?"

"Very much so am, than you."

Shaking her head, the she-devil changed tasks then as she came behind the bar to grab a rag, so she could wipe down all the tables. "He was really implying that he should be my employer."

"And what? Me retire?" Makarov snorted. "I see no one worthy of the job… Or at least the ones I have deemed have all turned me down."

Laxus, giving his grandfather a glare, only said, "You're just worried, geezer, that when I take over, people will realize the full potential of a Dreyar."

"You have your head so far up Mirajane's dress half the time that I don't know when you'd ever get anything-"

"Oh, and you don't?"

"Mira would like for you both to keep your nasty heads away from her dress." Then the barmaid smiled. "Speaking of dresses, Master, on a scale of one to ten, how many frills do you think-"

'You're both killing me." Laxus wanted to bang his head on the bar top, but managed to withstand. "You know that?"

"He is somewhat right, Mirajane," Makarov agreed with a nod of his head. Finished with his mug, he sat it down on the counter beside him before looking at the woman full on then. "There's much to discuss about this wedding other than the dress, of course."

"Oh, of course," Mira agreed with a nod. "I'm working very hard at planning in my free time with, you know, only the best bridal party ever."

"Mira, your brides maids are Lucy, Cana, Erza, and Lisanna." Laxus tried hard not to make a face, but he probably did regardless. "I wouldn't trust the four of them to help you tie your shoe, much less plan a wedding."

"Well, lucky me, I can tie my own shoe. Both of them, in fact."

"That's not-"

"And besides, dragon, I mostly just ask for their help to shove it in their face that I'm happy and getting married and all of them are either still skating around the edge with their prefect matches-"

"The perfect matches that you decided on. Not them. Not ones they even, for the most part, care to be with-"

"I put us together," she retorted. "Didn't I?"

"I mean, you definitely were involved in it, sure, but-"

"My point is that a wedding," Mirajane explained to the two men, "is basically all about achieving this life long goal to, like, feel like a princess or whatever. The center of attention. And to shove it in all your other friends faces that you have a much better life than them. And thanks to you being so load, dragon, I get to do all of that."

"Yeah, well, I'mma need a beer if we're gonna start talking like that. Or a shot of whiskey, at least."

"Surely you are just joking," Makarov spoke up, his tone more serious than any of the three had had that night. "Mirajane."

"Hmmm?"

"About marriage. Surely you see it as more than just...a chance to show off how happy you are."

"I said a wedding, Master, is a chance to show off," she corrected. "Not marriage. Marriage is something completely different."

"Not that I care," Laxus grumbled, "seeing as we're clearly getting married only because we're the most attractive people in the world and it would be a damn shame if we didn't procreate-"

"No cursing," Mira rebuked as Makarov only rolled his eyes, not needing to question the mockery in that statement.

"-but what difference is there?" Laxus asked. "I mean, I get the basic thing your saying. A wedding is, like, when you get married and marriage is, like, all the after effects, but-"

"You don't get married at a wedding, dragon."

"...Then I have been lied to the majority of my life. Just what am I showing up at the hall for then? Huh?"

He was speaking with a bit of a raised pitch, almost in a mocking way, and Makarov knew that he was only a bystander then and not really meant to hear it. A casualty. It was for Mirajane that Laxus was even enduring the topic. And only for her.

"It's just all a show," she clarified. "You really only get married when you sign the little certificate. In theory, I can have as many weddings as I want, to as many men as I want; the capital will only recognize my wedding if I go into a big city and fill out a form."

"So basically," he said into his mug as he lifted it to his lips, "you're a bastard."

"W-What?"

"I'm sure your parents, demon, who you've told me never, ever liked to leave your little town, just got married at your church in town. Or your temple. Whatever you guys had."

"W-Well, I'm sure that the priest probably brought them the papers, Laxus."

"Right. He rode into town and-"

"Yes. He did."

"Okay."

"You know, this is why you people that live in big cities are always getting on-"

"I mean, can I even marry you now?" he kept up. "Knowing that you're a bastard?"

"Laxus Dreyar-"

"I have yet to hear," Makarov interrupted their bickering (and good thing, because they were about to either get into a serious fight or Mira was going to cry, "just why weddings are so frivolous to you, my dear."

Giving up on her glares at her fiance, Mira looked to the man's grandfather as she said, "It's not that they're frivolous, Master. It's just not that they matter, when it comes to how much someone cares about another person. You could have no wedding at all, but if you love someone, truly love someone, then that's all that matters. A wedding is just how you show others how much you love one another and something that we do because it's what we're told we should do. And marriage is an aftereffect of that, but at the same time, something completely different. It's, like, you know...serious. It's everything that you're not showing off to people that matters. That makes it real. After the wedding, no one cares nearly as much about your marriage until, like, it falls apart and they get to enjoy the drama surrounding that."

Laxus didn't want to, but he could tell that his demon was struggling, so he drop his pretense of not understanding what she was trying to get across and helped her out.

"She means that the wedding don't mean nothin' to us. Personally. Inwardly." He wouldn't look at his grandfather as he spoke, but could feel the old man's eyes on him. "They're just something flashy. To show off. Or, if not that, then to just show others that you're, you know, in love or whatever. To complete a fantasy. Whatever. But marriage? What goes on behind closed doors? That's real. That's what matters. Not...dressing up all nice to impress your friends. Have some big ceremony to show up your loved ones and show out for your god. You can get married without a wedding and you can have a wedding without getting married; they're both completely void of one another unless you choose to include them."

Allowing that to marinate, Makarov sat there for a moment, with his eyes shut, before saying, "Perhaps the wedding itself is not as important as the actual act of marriage, but the tradition of the ceremony is not something to scoff at. You kids these days-"

"We're in our twenties. I'll be thirty in a few years," Laxus grumbled as Mira only giggled. "We're not kids."

"-seems to want to destroy all of our traditions. All the foundation of everything-"

"Has he been cut off yet?" Laxus complained. "Demon? Why have I been cut off if he-"

"He is too," Mira snickered. "It just came a bit later than it should have."

"It's the truth," Makarov insisted. "Weddings are-"

"Why are you so obsessed with weddings today?" Laxus rolled his eyes. "Fixate on something else. Fixate on the guildhall. Tell us about how much you love the guildhall. Either that or fixate on shutting the hell up."

"Laxus Dreyar-"

"Hell isn't a curse word."

"It is to me," Mirajane told him and, well, what she went said and all.

Grumbling to himself, Laxus went back to his water in discontent silence.

"And anyways, Master," the woman went on, "I was just kidding. Sort of. Being married to dragon is far more important than some stupid wedding, but it's still pretty important to me too. I'm glad you're so interested."

Oh, he definitely wouldn't be when he heard the price of the dress, but for the moment, he was drunk and enjoying the time he had with the two of them. Makarov loved all of his children in the guild, but Laxus was, of course, his blood and Mirajane had always been his special project for so long. All of the children that found their way into their hall had their problems, but she had always been the hardest to crack and then, when she did, following her sister's supposed passing, was putty to put back together.

To be able to see the two of them become one would be...so special to the man. He felt like a bother, most of the days then, to everyone. His mind would leave him, occasionally, and he had a plethora of pills that Mira was constantly shoving down his throat. Oh, and then that one time he accidentally lit his stove and fell asleep and started a fire. It was, like, a month ago. If not two. And Mira and Erza kept hammering over it.

Ugh.

Then there was that whole getting drunk and somehow winding up four towns over a few weeks ago, dazed and confused and having to contact the guild from a lacrima to get back home…

So yes, it was nice to finally be of some use. Especially to Laxus and Mirajane, who were taking his advanced age the hardest and accepting more responsibility to combat his increasing neediness. He was not only funding a good bit of the wedding (because, honestly, he just was), but he also hoped that he'd be able to pass off some advice to the two of them, at least in some ways, about growing with one another.

"Of course I am, Mirajane," he said with a bow of his head. "It is not every day that a Dreyar settles down." Then Makarov frowned. "Actually, it's not even every decade...or half a century, for that matter."

Laxus nodded a bit. "I the most evolved model, Mirajane."

"But not evolved enough to put your dirty laundry in the hamper-"

"I'm learning to live with another person! Sue me!"

"We've been living together for a year and a half."

Bah.

"Ivan wasn't married." Makarov said that, softly, That got Mirajane's grin to fall and Laxus to send him a sharp look. "Not that it bothered me. It's...daughters that you should want to see married off. Not sons. But now… I'll like it. A lot. Laxus. Mirajane. Seeing the two of you…"

It was silent then and Mira wasn't even wiping down tables anymore. Just staring over at them. Laxus wasn't glaring so much then, but his gaze was still heavy on his grandfather, who, with a soft sigh, added to that.

"Do not get me wrong though, Mirajane," he said with a shake of his head. "I still wish that you picked someone more...suitable, but-"

"Look, you old man-"

"Laxus is plenty suitable, Master," Mirajane assured the man. "He owns all kinds of suits. He has a tux and that spiffy white one-"

"That's not what I meant," the man replied, "but I'm sure you knew that."

Oh, of course.

But Mirajane was very good at playing coy. Especially with her boys.

It would come in handy when, not two months after being married, she had to manage to convince both Laxus and Makarov that it was their idea that the old man move in with them, less he be harmful to himself staying alone. It wouldn't be easy and would involve an amount of intellect Mira fooled many into thinking she didn't have, but she most certainly did.

As she'd learned growing up though, who gets special treatment? The smart girls? Or the cute, dumb ones?

And having her Master in her home, where he couldn't set things on fire accidentally and she could be sure that he was taking his medication was definitely something Mirajane would want.

That night, however, as they stood in the bar long after close, all she wanted to do was hurry up and finish her duties so that she could get home. She honestly was tired. Oh, and, most importantly, to keep her dragon and Master from ripping into one another.

A daily task, really.

Snorting, Laxus gulped down some more water before saying, "You just focus on closing up, woman. I'm getting rather tired of sitting around doing nothing."

"What exactly do you think being a master of a hall is, Laxus?" Makarov asked as Mirajane somehow fund the time to come over and pop her fiance in the back of the head, him not even reacting as he knew, of course, after the tone he used that he deserved it. "Other than sitting around most days and doing nothing?"

"It's only that when you're a lazy old man," the slayer said as his demon went back to finishing tables. Makarov only cackled.

"Ah, yes, but at one time I was not so old and do not recall doing much more."

"Yeah, back when you were a lazy young man." Laxus snorted. "And not even that young."

"Dragon," Mira sang then, interrupting their conversation. "Can you count out the register?"

"Am I only the payroll?"

"Don't act up in front of Master."

"Yuck. Never. Who cares what the geezer think- Hit me with that staff again old man and-"

"This geezer can still bend you over his knee, you ungrateful-"

"You never bent me over your knee! By the time I was three I was bigger than you- Mira, make him stop hitting me before I make him!"

Sighing loudly, she said, "You know, boys-"

"We're not boys." Laxus grabbed the staff that tie when Makarov tried to poke him with it, though he only tossed it away just as quickly. "We're men."

"-I'm a bit busy to be dealing with this," Mira finished. "So, Laxus, why don't you go walk Master home and then-"

"What do I look like? His babysitter?"

"You look like a concerned grandson. What? Did you think when we all left here, he was just gonna go one way and we were going to go another?"

Well…

"I don't need a concerned anything," Makarov informed them. "Unless, of course, Mirajane, you were hoping to come over for a bit after taking me home-"

"You're not allowed to make passes at my woman, old man. She's gonna be your grand-daughter-in-law."

"That's still not blood."

"Mira, he's pushing my buttons and I'm about done-"

"Master's just playing, dragon, and you know it." Mira was coming around the bar again for something and gave them both a look. "Aren't you, Master?"

Taking a deep breath, Makarov breathed it out slowly before saying, "If you're that worried about me stealing your future wife, boy-"

"I am not. I'm just wanting you to stop...hitting on her or whatever it is that you're doing."

"Should you even marry a woman that you're fearful will sleep with your grandfather-"

"Mira," Laxus said then, refusing to look at his grandfather. "I'm being very good-"

"Well, decent, but sure."

"-and he just keeps trying me-"

"I actually like it, just a bit, if you wanna know the truth," Mirajane said with a nod. When both men only stared, she explained, "You used to both just ignore one another. And then you'd just snap at one another constantly. Now, at least, you can hold a semi-decent conversation without any storming off. Just some mediating from me." And Mira patted her chest then. "And I'm gonna be a Dreyar too, so that makes it okay. Perfect even. Like a family bond."

Laxus made a face. "Okay, well, that's great that you feel that way and all, demon, but mediate this; if the old man says one more thing about our relationship, I'll slug him."

Makarov spoke before Mirajane had the chanse. "I'd like to see you try."

"Too fast for your ancient eyes, Gramps, but you'll definitely feel it."

Loudly, Mirajane let out a sigh before saying, "If you two really can't get along, I can just come in tomorrow morning, I guess, on my off day, and finish this up later. If you really can't-"

"No effin' way, demon. You're not coming in on-"

"If it is your day off, my dear, then you coming in would negate the off part."

"Then," she said with her hands on her hip, finger just itching to be wagged, "you two need to behave."

Both looked down then, Makarov at his lap and Laxus at the bar top. Neither was too thrilled over being scolded like schoolboys, but at the same time knew better than to refute the command.

So they sat, both silent, as Mirajane finished with her closing duties. She was just closing up, slipping on her coat as Laxus and Makarov stood by the door, when she spoke to the old man.

"Master?"

"Hmmm?"

"On a scale of one to ten how-"

"I'm putting," Laxus grumbled as he wrapped an arm around his woman's shoulders, "my headphones in. Okay? Demon?"

"That's fine." She wasn't paying attention to him anyways, as they left the building, rather keeping her attention on the slight man locking the hall doors. "Master and I have a lot to discuss."

And even though he didn't want to, there, in the darkness, Laxus grinned just a bit, at the sight of his future wife being so very entertained by his clearly intoxicated grandfather (honestly, Makarov was hardly on his feet).

Because Laxus loved the guildhall. He did. He loved the Thunder Legion in particular. A lot. And Mirajane's siblings were...annoying as hell, but becoming his family too.

Makarov ranked though above all of that. And to have a woman by his side that agreed with that, well, Laxus wasn't sure he could have gotten anymore lucky.

"Now, if you're sure you don't wish to stay, Mirajane-"

"Oh, Master," she giggled when they arrived at the man's tiny house. Laxus, however, only scowled.

"Get inside and go to bed, Gramps," he told the man with a shake of his head. "We ain't got all night. It's late; I wanna get home."

Makarov grumbled as he went, but Mirajane and Laxus only made sure he got inside before heading off. They weren't far before, pulling her tighter towards him, Laxus pressed a kiss into Mira's silvery hair.

"Dragon," she giggled as he only grinned down at her. "What was that for?"

Shaking his head a bit, he only said, "'Just can't wait, you know? Hearing you talk about it, seriously talk about it… I'm… It's real. We're gonna be married. Real soon."

With her own grin, Mirajane nodded her head and said, "Can't wait."

"Yeah." He pressed another kiss to her head. "Neither can I."

[minttearoom]

Nick Spencer’s Captain America is Bad, but in these ways

OK  ... I made this blog so I could dump my bad opinions on it, so call me out on this if anyone needs to.

-- This isn’t something I care about too much, but I feel like I need to start off by saying that Hydra doesn’t and shouldn’t always have a 1:1 equivalent with Nazis or the political specifics of fascism. In their first appearance, they were a generic mustache-twirling, world-domineering evil enterprise. Although that’s changed because Nazi leaders were retconned in to match the WWII backgrounds of Marvel’s heroes, it’s always been story-dependent as to whether that element really mattered. Sometimes, Madame Hydra trying to take over the world was just Madame Hydra trying to take over the world so that superheroes could have fistfights. There’s a usefulness to a generic SPECTRE-type evil organization for when comics that need a villain to punch. Although it’s important for stories and readers to criticize what that evil entails, there’s a messiness that’s involved when it comes to shared universes and different tools serving different functions in different contexts. This is an issue that mostly irks me when it comes to how the conversations about Captain America are framed, and how they’re framed solely in terms of Hydra, when there’s a little more going on there; this was especially bad after Captain America: Steve Rogers #1 came out.  *HOWEVER, this is kind of irrelevant to the rest of what I want to talk about.*

-- I’m not sure if a story about an altered-reality Captain America being evil, or even being a Nazi is off-limits. I’m not a Jonathan Chait “protect malevolent free speech” type, but I do think that you might be able to tell a somewhat meaningful (and possibly respectful) story under these conditions. I understand that WWII is highly sensitive and emotional, and I also understand the situation surrounding Captain America’s creation. However, it’s not like similar stories (or story beats) haven’t been done before -- even one drawn by Jack Kirby. I hate Nick Spencer’s Captain America for a variety of reasons, but part of the reason why is that I think you might actually be able to publish a story like this, even (or especially) in these times, and have it be salient and productive and well thought-out.

-- The problem with Nick Spencer’s Captain America goes back to the beginning of his run. From the beginning, he set out to do a run that broached extremely topical political issues, but keep his comics from making too strong of a stance in any given direction, while insisting that it did have a stance. For example: since the KOBIK/Cosmic Cube plotline, he’s been paying lip service to the idea that there needs to be a discussion about the growth of the security state and what it means to create unimaginable and invasive authority and power when you don’t know who will be in control next. ... Except whenever someone does have anything to say about it,it’s usually only a couple words, or a weak sketch of their stance. You might think this is fine, as long as the conflicts that Spencer brings up are carried through the plot to create meaning. After all, you don’t want to buy comics just to see talking heads debate politics. However, this doesn’t carry through for a few reasons!

-- The first way, most commonly seen in Sam Wilson, is that he’ll bring in some way for the critical/left-leaning position to be criticized. Though this is mostly like to preserve some sort of apolitical company line, it ultimately amounts to centrism, which is a political stance in and of itself, defined by the extremes of political climate in which you’re speaking. You see it first with Rick Jones -- he was a whistleblower hacktivist in the early issues of Captain America: Sam Wilson. The characters in Spencer’s book seem sympathetic to him when he gets caught, but Rick did BREAK THE LAW :( so his rightful course of action is to join SHIELD to help the security state keep on doing everything he despised! 

Then came the infamous issue where a Tomi Lahren-type character was inciting hate against a specific undocumented teen -- the new Falcon, Joaquin Torres. Joaquin, understandably, was about to go give her a piece of his mind, but he gets derailed by the appearance of a group of teens who obviously serve as an in-universe warning of the dangers of what he was about to do. These teens, the new Bombshells, not only spouts awkward online academia-derived lingo about safe spaces and trigger warnings but they also advocate violence against racists! They come and fight Falcon and Rage as if to, say “Look out! Don’t become like them!” 

You see it when Sam goes to stop Rage from getting in a confrontation with the AmeriCops (Spencer’s convenient robotic representations of racist police brutality). There’s no real strong reason for Rage to have not gotten into a confrontation, as the AmeriCops were ridiculously over-the-cop brutal and terrible, except for concerns about optics and (this is a recurring theme which obviously clashes with some of the issues Spencer wants to bring up) respect for authority.

You also see it when the only true far-left voice in the entire run, Flag Smasher, is the only the only one to fully articulate his issues with corporate influence over politics, the security state, and the no-fly list, and ends up being not only a violent terrorist assassin, but also (amazingly) a plant by Steve Rogers. I can’t begin to say how ridiculous that was.

-- The other way that Spencer undermines the political claims in his run is in how the villains are made overly sympathetic. So much of Captain America: Steve Rogers is about the ideological purity and clarity in Steve’s heart. He is destined to lead Hydra because he is still a great man in the way that Dr. Erskine recognized. (This bears out in the most disgusting of ways in the FCBD issue of Secret Empire, where Steve is still worthy to lift Mjolnir.) 

Steve is part of a faction of Hydra lead by some horrorterror old god/sweet old lady named Elisa who becomes Steve’s doting mother figure. She gets in close with his mother, and then dotes on Steve day and night about how he’s good and pure and destined for greatness -- and there isn’t much to undercut this as fascist BS. Elisa goes on and on, essentially dogwhistling what might as well be soliloquy about Steve’s Aryan purity and good heart, yet she never really gets a strong villain moment to underscore the idea that what she’s saying is wrong. The one truly evil thing she she was supposed to have (kill his mother offpanel) apparently never happened! She appears unharmed in later issues of CA: Steve Rogers.

-- This links into the other major problem in Spencer’s run: his depiction of Hydra. From the get-go, he plays up Hydra as not only a fascist neo-nazi organization, but specifically one that parallels modern ethnonationalist movements, all being propagated by the Red Skull. He further links Hydra to literal European nationalist militant movements by having Hydra take over Sokovia (#moviesynergy). Linking back to what I talked about at the beginning, this is all fine, so far; Spencer is making the specific choice in this story to use Hydra as an analogy for Nazism and its connection to the modern day, and this is a story that is obviously just as much about the Red Skull. EXCEPT, over the course of Spencer’s flashbacks to Steve’s altered past, we see that Steve is a member of a faction of Hydra that has always opposed not just the Red Skull, but Hydra joining the Nazis in general!

-- It’s an insanely weird choice to decode: does Spencer want to tell a story about Steve Rogers being allied with the Nazis ... or not? He certainly shows him helping the Nazis in WWII. What’s the point of saying he was secretly opposed to them and the Red Skull this whole time? What is he trying to do with Hydra?

-- For that matter, how much less fascist is Steve supposed to be? He rails out against Red Skull’s cheap inflammatory tactics, yet by the time his Secret Empire is set up, he’s already created an authoritarian state that rounds up Inhumans and puts them into camps! CAMPS!

-- There’s a lot of other, little, infinitely frustrating things. The FCBD issue explained that Wanda joining the HYDRA-vengers probably wasn’t of her own will, but having the Romani girl on the Nazi team is still unsettling, especially if they don’t end up giving her any space to react to it. Spencer’s writing is way lacking in nuance -- whereas Ales Kot gave a thoughtful look at the paranoia that must feed the drive to do crazier and crazier things in the name of security when he wrote Maria Hill in Secret Avengers, Spencer’s Maria Hill shrugs off each evil thing she does in the name of the state with a joke and a condescending comment. Spencer sucks at writing spies and spy stuff in general (there’s no reason he should have gotten two tries at Secret Avengers!), so seeing him try to handle SHIELD in general in the context of this run has been annoying. Also, ... why can Steve lift Mjolnir WHEN HE JUST HELPED KILL BUCKY, jfc.

-- Again, this is partially upsetting because some parts of this aren’t terrible. Sam Wilson is the most effortlessly diverse Captain America book ever, with somewhat decent stories about things like police brutality and immigration when they aren’t being undercut by other elements Spencer sticks in to ~balance things out. Seeing the Champions fight HYDRA in Secret Empire is also pretty unobjectionable. It’s the context and the handling that’s made this all atrocious -- even the publicity of blowing this Nazism thing up to a huge event is pretty dubious.

[mysticmessimagines]

Rfa reacting to MC breaking up with them?

Oooh nonny, you’re speaking my language. I love me some angst ;))) I consider V part of the RFA so I’ll put him below a a four line break because the rest of this is really long so it’s going under a cut. I suppose Seven’s route has spoilers too kind of so make sure you’ve done his route/all the routes or only read the routes you’ve done pls I don’t want to accidentally ruin anything for anyone. Also I love Unknown so if someone wants me throwing him in the bunch hit me up and I’ll do it.

Yoosung

The LOLOL never stops

You care so much about him, and you know he cares about you too

It just hurts to see him neglecting himself for the sake of playing his game

He misses dinners you cook for him, or he’ll leave them untouched on his desk

You offer to help him study, only for him to go right back to gaming thirty minutes later

After talking with him and letting him know how worried you are for him trying so hard not to say that you yourself are feeling neglected, you don’t want to seem needy and controlling but ofc you wouldn’t be gaming is more than okay, this is just excessive he agrees to stop gaming and promises to come to bed early with you that night

He doesn’t

You fall asleep alone in bed, and when you wake up around 4am you’re still alone

From the other room you can see the glow of his computer, hear the keyboard taps

It’s the final straw

You haven’t officially moved in with Yoosung yet, so you just gather simple things like your phone charger, hoodie, and bag

He’ll be so invested in his game, he won’t notice

He notices

But you’re not there anymore

You don’t have the heart to answer his frantic texts and calls - you would never do something like what you need to do over the phone

You’re camped out at Jaehee’s when he finds you

He’s a mess; a dirty pair of sweats on and a sleeveless t-shirt despite it being winter

His hair isn’t combed, his eyes swollen and his face wet with tears that are still streaming down his face

“MC, thank God you’re safe! I thought something bad happened to you.”

Tears well in your eyes as he hugs you desperately, it’s so tempting to just forget all about it and live in this constant cycle of misery

But you don’t

“Yoosung, I can’t do this…”

“Do what? What do you mean?”

It hurts so bad to explain, and you can’t help but cry as you tell him how you’ve been watching him ruin his life at the computer, how you’ve felt like you didn’t have his heart anymore, how you felt that LOLOL came first to him

He’s endless apologies, on his knees as he clutches helplessly onto you and buries his face against your stomach

“I’ll stop! I swear, MC, I’ll never play again, just please- please don’t think those things, you’re so important to me!”

“I’m so sorry, Yoosung. I love you, I do. But I just can’t anymore. Goodbye, Yoosung.”

You shut him out

He stays outside in the cold, sobbing and pleading for you, until you finally ask Jaehee to escort him home

You hated sleeping alone, it’s part of what made you feel so uncared for when Yoosung would play late - but this time, sleeping alone on Jaehee’s pull out couch despite her offering you her bed, your heart shatters completely

Zen

W H Y did he let that fan kiss him on the mouth??

It wasn’t even close to being okay

You are not a jealous person

He can hug them, take selfies with them, kiss their cheek, he can braid their goddamn hair but he let that girl kiss him on the mouth

And he knows you know

He brings home flowers and chinese food

You’re already pacing back and forth in the living room, tears running down your face

Sometimes a quick peck on the lips is okay in some cultures but fuck this - this is not okay there was tongue

“MC I am swear I’m sorry-”

“Don’t tell me sorry. Tell me why.”

He’s babbling then

She kissed him

It was an accident

Her friend took the picture

He certainly does seem upset that you’re crying; his hands are outstretched for you like he wants to hold you or dry your tears

You’re far too upset for that

“But you didn’t tell her no. You didn’t push her away, did you?”

“I… no. She was a fan, MC, I have to be nice to-”

You stop listening then

An explanation was what you wanted, but what you were getting were excuses

If he had outright admitted he had messed up, then maybe you’d be more willing to listen

But he was only defending himself to avoid trouble

You’re still crying as you start stuffing your clothes into your bag

You’ve lived with Zen since you left the apartment, you don’t even know where you could go

He’s still following you around, saying he’ll make it up to you, saying it didn’t mean anything

You don’t want it made up to you, you want him to admit he had made a huge mistake, one he would never make again

And if it’s not something he can realize on his own - then maybe he should just be left to kiss his fans freely as a single man

Jumin is the only person you can think to call - it’s a low blow for Zen, but he has plenty of space and Jumin can of course get you a ride to him

Zen stumbles after you outside, and as you wait for Driver Kim he clutches your sleeve and makes you meet his gaze

It’s pouring outside, but you think his eyes look damp aside from the rain

“Why are you doing this, please, please don’t run off to him. Are you trying to make me jealous, too? I said I was sorry, MC, please.”

You recoil, your tears unfaltering as you shake your head

“I’m not trying to make you jealous. You’ve hurt me, Hyun, and you can’t even own up to it. I can’t do it. Kiss all the fans you want. I’ll send someone for the rest of my things, but I won’t be coming back. Goodbye, Hyun.”

Driver Kim helps you in to the car, leaving Zen standing in the downpour

You’re still sobbing as you drive away, watching Zen in the back window

He doesn’t head back inside, and then you can’t even see him anymore

Jumin is waiting for you with a warm towel and soft blankets to wrap you in, and he sits and offers to let you rant

All you can do is sob against his shoulder

Your heart has never hurt so badly

Jaehee

The coffee shop means everything to her

And it means everything to you too

But for her, she lets the desire for perfection smother her fun and happiness

Evidently, her desire for perfection outweighs her sympathy for you as well

You’re preparing scones to place in the glass case up front

The shop is busy

It requires you to go up front and help out for a bit, leaving the scones in the oven a little past the timer

Of course they burn

Not badly… but they burn

Definitely not worthy of putting out in the case

Jaehee hurries into the back to figure out where the scones are, and when she sees them the disappointment is clear on her face

“Oh no, we can’t serve those. MC, I trusted you to be able to make those. We’re at our busiest time of the day, too. Just… let me handle everything, go do some dishes or something.”

She barely lets you get a word in

She’s small, but she’s fierce, and it almost feels like she snatches the scones away from you before she’s shooing you away

Well then

You do the dishes, but you also attempt to help make a few coffees up front

When you accidentally use 2% milk instead of low fat, and the customer somehow knows they chew you out

Jaehee is right there in an instant - and she doesn’t defend you for your accidental mistake

Instead, she nearly shoves you back to the back as she offers the gentleman his money back as well as a freshly made coffee

Any normal person would assume she was having a bad day - but no

It’s become a norm for Jaehee to treat you as if you’re incompetent at work

She won’t discuss it at home, changing the subject to finances or something completely off topic

When you burn your arm preparing cookies and drop the pan on the floor, she completely tears into you

“Why is it so hard for you to bake? Don’t even bother touching the oven anymore. You make so much more work for me to do, MC, and I-”

You don’t even let her finish, clutching your burnt arm

“Okay. Okay, I won’t be such a bother to you, anymore. I didn’t know how difficult I made things for you. I’ll go.”

Normally you wouldn’t just abandon her at work, but there’s a few additional hands helping out - so there’s no reason for her to be so snappy

But you don’t just plan on leaving work

You go back to the apartment you and Jaehee share, grabbing as much of your belongings as you can, and you go to the only person you can think of - Yoosung’s

It completely scares the shit out of this boy when you show up at his house that evening, sobbing with your belongings

He immediately thinks someone is dead, but you tell him everything that’s happened, and he just hugs you tight and strokes your hair

But then Jaehee shows up, and Yoosung looks like he wants to cry too as he asks if you want to see her

Of course you oblige, you go to her

She seems extremely concerned, and she’s still wearing her work uniform with flour all over it

“If I upset you today, I truly did not mean to… I was worried when you weren’t at home.”

It’s with a shaky breath that you tell her, “That can’t be my home anymore. I can’t take much more of feeling worthless. We opened the shop together to spread love, happiness, to have fun and be able to see each other and so neither of us feel like we’re actually working. But you’ve made me feel so useless. And I don’t want to feel like that anymore.”

She stands stunned, completely pale after hearing your confession

“MC…”

You try to close the door before you start to cry - but she catches it, her eyes wide

“Please just go. You can have the coffee shop.”

Somehow that finalizes it for her, makes her realize just how serious you are

Her hands are shaking and she can’t seem to speak, reaching out and clinging to your arm

“Wait- I’m so sorry, MC, let me make it right. Tell me what I can do!”

“I’ve tried.”

It’s with a heavy heart that you gently shake free, and before you shut the door you hear her quiet sob

You can hardly stand it, sprinting to the bathroom and locking yourself in

Yoosung sits right outside and pleads with you to at least come out so he can comfort you, but all you can do is sob into your hands

Jumin

You knew from the beginning that your relationship would be difficult at times

Jumin had never truly been in love before you, he was still learning

You were always patient with him, reminding him that relationships required communication

He was finally learning to accept trust in the relationship - you weren’t going to be harmed and you would always come back to him when you would leave the penthouse

Work actually came second to him for once, you always coming first

But there were still times where he’d shut down - and in times like those is when it hurt the most

Seeing him suffer in silence was painful

It would happen in spurts

But these spurts could last anywhere from two days to two weeks

He’d be absent, glassy eyed, and he’d work from dusk until dawn, only crawling into bed when you were already half asleep

You weren’t even sure how much he would eat during these times

The shut down he had when it finally all came to a boil happened shortly after a project of his failed, causing quite a drastic drop in C&R’s sales

Jumin’s father had been extremely disappointed, making a point to tell Jumin so multiple times over the phone

If there was one thing in the world that could bring Jumin Han to a stuttering halt, it was Mr. Han Senior

Almost immediately you could see just how deeply it was eating at Jumin

He was already upset with himself, he didn’t need the weight of his father’s disappointment either

Out of desperation you tried to coax him to head to bed early with you, cuddling and talking probably in nothing but one of Jumin’s shirts because he loved seeing them on you always worked when he was stressed over a less drastic problem

Instead - he headed back to his office

At 8pm at night

You brushed it off, assuring yourself that he’d be back in a few hours, but when you awoke in the morning, his side of the bed was still made

It panicked the shit out of you

You called him endlessly, but he didn’t pick up

So of course you rushed to C&R, hurrying up to his office and barging in without bothering to knock

Pale skin, a loose tie, messy hair, and dark eye circles greeted you

Or rather, didn’t even acknowledge your presence

Jumin was at his desk scribbling at something like a mad man, papers askew across his desk

You hurried to him and touched his shoulder gently but he flinches away

“Jumin… Jumin, love, you need to come home and rest. Did you sleep at all?”

He doesn’t answer verbally, only shakes his head, and continues to write

A glance at his desk reveals crumpled papers, chicken scratch writing that is so vastly different compared to his usual elegant penmanship

“Do you want breakfast?”

Another head shake

With a gentle hand you try to cup his face, turn his head so he’ll meet your gaze

“Go back home. You can’t even imagine all that I have to do now, I messed up and now I have to fix it. It’s not just going to fix itself. There’s no time, just go. You’re distracting me.”

Which okay, he’s been like this before… kind of…

“I’m worried about you, let me at least get you something to-”

“No, MC!”

Never does Jumin raise his voice, not even at other shitty company owners trying to seal a deal with him

But he definitely wasn’t quiet as he slammed his fist down against his desk, his jaw tense

And he still won’t look at you

One last time you try to touch his arm; it’s unbearable to see him so unshapely, the Jumin Han you know would never loosen his tie in the workplace and it makes you worry about how truly upset he could be

Your hand settles on his fist clenched on the desk

His other hand… the one gripping his pen… moves to shove it off

“Damn it, MC, get out.”

A small gasp escapes you as the pen in his hand roughly scrapes against the soft skin on the side of your thumb

It’s already bleeding - not much, but it stings and you can hardly wrap your head around it all

He’s been angry before, but he’s never been so rough from anger

His eyes snap to your face before they fall on your hand clutching your bleeding scrape

He pales even more if possible, looking completely crushed

Before he even has time to speak, you turn on your heal and walk out

Surprisingly enough, he comes home shortly after

You’re already waiting with packed bags

Talking is a must

You tried to talk to him - and he had lashed out physically, something you swore you would never stand for

No matter how much you loved him

“MC… what… your suitcases, what are you doing?”

“We need to talk one last time, Jumin. I… I love you more than you will ever know. Seeing you hurt kills me, and I just wanted to be there for you. I can handle you shutting me out as long as you let me back in, but when you shut me out and lay a hand on me…”

“God, is your hand alright? How badly are you hurt-”

You don’t let him see, but rather pull away

“I promised you at the beginning that I would never leave you if we kept communication and trust. But you broke your promise, you pushed me away and you broke my trust… I’ve already made up my mind and called a cab.”

His entire strong posture completely shatters, his shoulders slumping and his generally tall frame seeming so small

“Oh.”

Which is all he has to say??

He wasn’t even going to try to fight for you, and it breaks you even more

However, he leaves the room and leaves you standing with your heart thumping in your chest

When he comes back, he picks up your suitcases for you and heads for the door

He’s just going to kick you out so easily?

“What are you doing?”

And fuck, you’re crying

“I cannot allow the person who means the most to me to go out on their own without a plan. Driver Kim will pick you up and drive you around until you have somewhere safe.”

You can hardly wrap your head around it all as he leads the way downstairs and loads your things into Driver Kim’s car

He’s got that look on his face at your tears, the look he gives you whenever he’ll hold you close, thumb under your eyes, and kiss at your hair as he whispers soothing things to you

But you’re giving that up - the man he was that morning was not the man you knew

“Will you text me when you’re somewhere safe?”

It’s whispered, but you hear it as Driver Kim helps you into the car

“No.”

You can barely choke it out, slumping into the vehicle and peeking at Jumin out the window

He’s now wearing a face you’ve never seen before - his face his crumpled, and a single hand raises to cover his eyes as he turns his back on the car, his shoulders hunched

Driver Kim hands you tissues as he drives away and you sob into your lap

Seven

This boy would go to the ends of the earth for you

He’d die for you

And you’d die for him

But when he puts himself in danger, more so than necessary, to keep you safe…

You make him promise to always tell you when something he’s doing is dangerous

He doesn’t have to tell you how

Or why

You just want to know, and you deserve to know

The memory of him shutting you out for your own safety is so fresh in your mind

How cruel he had been thinking it would protect you in the long run

Even so, he swore he’d never do it again

And for the longest time he didn’t

Until… he did

All other times he’s the funny 707

Defender of Justice

But then on one certain day of him spending nearly fourteen hours at his computer, you begin to worry

When you finally head to where he sits as his desk (where he’s typing away) and gently move the headphones from his ear, he all but smacks his screen off

“MC, don’t do that! Classified information here, okay?”

You hold up your hands in defense, expecting him to smile and stand stretching only for him to do his thing where he pretends gravity has grown too strong for him and that he needs your support to remain upright

But he only stares at you expectantly

“Don’t you want to come find something to eat for dinner with me?”

“Uh… no, I need to stay here a bit longer. Eat without me.”

You don’t of course, you take him a plate of food and then leave him once more

He doesn’t come to bed that night

When he’s still on the computer in the morning, you brush it off

It’s probably just a major assignment that he needs to complete

You remember just how… demanding his old boss had been

But that evening, when he’s still at his computer and seems half asleep in the clothes he’s worn three days in a row, you intervene once more

This time when you touch his shoulder, snapping him out of a light sleep, he ends up knocking over a full glass of water you had left him

It spills all over his keyboard, and you immediately apologize and lean to help clean it up

“Fuck! Don’t touch anything, just- I told you this was classified, why do you keep bothering me? I need to get this done, and I know I’ve told you that you cant see this shit.”

A sudden cold wave of fear churns in your tummy

“Saeyoung, baby… are you safe? Is everything okay?”

“It’s fucking peachy.”

He shuts his monitor off, glaring at you until you take a step back

“You promised you would tell me about dangerous assignments, Saeyoung… I deserve to-”

“You don’t deserve anything. I don’t have to tell you anything, did you know I could be killed just for you knowing who I am? And then they’d fucking kill you too, so just- just get out of here.”

He’s cold, his face emotionless

You can’t seem to find your words, or your legs even

The last time you had seen a Saeyoung like this was back before you were together

And it felt like a thousand tiny pin pricks in your chest

“Saeyoung, I know that… but I trust you and I know we’re safe and-”

“You don’t know shit. You don’t know what trust is. Damn it, I should be working but now I have to clean up my keyboard and- why the hell are you still in here? I said get out.”

It hurts

He swore he would never treat you this way again

This time even seemed… worse

As if he wanted you gone completely

And if he was in that much danger over this assignment, if he was trying to protect you… then you’d protect him

You don’t bother going back to tell him that it’s over

It’s a horrible thing to do, but instead you write it in a letter that you tack to the bathroom door - he’ll have to make a trip there sooner or later

Saeyoung: I love you more than you’ll ever know, and if I cause you this much pain, if I put you in this much danger… then I’ll go like you asked. You did promise that you’d never shut me out again, so I trust that if you’re doing this it’s serious and that maybe we really should go separate ways if it’s for the best. Don’t worry about me, not that you would. I’ll get out of your hair. I’m so sorry for the trouble. Goodbye, Saeyoung. -MC

It’s numbing as you leave his bunker, blinking back tears as you catch a cab and head to the one person you could get a hold of, which so happens to be Zen

Zen makes you warm tea and hums to you softly as you sob out as much as you dare sharing

You don’t let Zen tell him where you are, and you ditch your phone just in case he (or someone else) tries tracking it

You don’t see the way he searches for you madly in all the places you’ve been together

Or the way he pleads Jumin to send out a search party only for Jumin to tell him that he knows where you are, that you are safe but wish for your location to remain hidden

Zen swears up and down you aren’t there as you hide in his wardrobe

You don’t see the way he curls up in the bed you shared and sobs brokenly into a forgotten sweater of yours

He breaks things

He pulls at his hair, his clothes, his skin

And he clutches onto the note you left him and begs for you to come back

V SPOILERS UNDER THESE LINES

V

You know how much he had loved her

Everyone had loved her

She seemed like she had been a very wonderful person before her mental illness had taken over her life

And in no way did it mean that she could be forgiven for all that she had done

She had hurt V

She hurt him in so many ways

And of course you didn’t expect to heal him in the ways she hurt him

You just wanted to give him all of the love he deserved 

He is so, so wonderful and deserves the world

You know he loves you too - you can see it in how he accepted vision repairing surgery so he could see you better and he wasn’t fully healed but he could see you and he thought you were beautiful, could feel it in the way he held you and kissed you, and could hear it in the way he spoke to you

But at times, it’s evident that he still holds on to who she once was

It’s only fair, they had been engaged

You are not jealous and you do not hold anything against him in the slightest

But one day, you find him knelt on the floor in his room, digging frantically through a box of photos

He’s desperate, photos strewn across the floor

“I can’t find it, where is it? It was in here!”

He’s always so calm and collected, it almost scares you to see him this way

Even so, you drop to the floor next to him

The box he holds is full of pictures of her

It was a box you didn’t even know existed

It hurts a little - not that he still has things involving her, but that he never showed you or told you about them

Even with the significance she had held in his life, she was a part of his life, a life that you were now in and loved so much

Of course you would want to know about the pictures and all they meant to him

“What are you looking for, Jihyun, maybe I can help?” 

You place a gentle hand on his arm, but he shakes you off

“No! Don’t touch them!”

“Jihyun…”

He scrambles to scoop all of the photos back up, shoving them into the box with shaking hands

You try to help, but in a haste to snatch a photo from your hand, the photo rips in two

And it just had to be a photo of the two of them together, now completely torn apart

“Oh no! We can tape it, I’m so sorry, we can fix it-”

He’s gone completely pale, his hands shaking as he takes the other half of the photo from you

His cloudy turquoise eyes well with tears, and he makes a choked sob sound

“Did you take it? Did you take her ring out of here? I’ll never have the old Rika back MC, why are you still so jealous of her? You ripped this on purpose and you took her ring, didn’t you?” 

His voice rises in volume until he’s shouting, his face livid

All you can do is gape at him

How could he even say that you were jealous?

You tried your hardest to let him still have pieces of her in his life, to talk about her with him even if he brushed it off, you knew that he didn’t love you any less

Or maybe he did…

If he would accuse you of such a thing, then maybe he loved Rika far more still than he would ever love you

You could handle a different love - you didn’t need loved as he had loved Rika

But you didn’t want to be loved less - you wanted a fresh love that both of you could share equally

And it didn’t seem that Jihyun was after the same thing

You stood shakily, feeling your throat and eyes burn

He was still glaring at you, still clutching his photos

“I am not jealous. You have never given me any reason to be jealous, and I don’t care that you still have her things. But if you’re going to accuse me like this, if you think I would take away things that make you happy and let you heal… then you don’t love me like you say you do. I hope you find her ring, and I hope it gives you the happiness that I can’t.” 

You can see as realization dawns on him, as he looks down at his hands and the photos

You’re already out of the house and headed for your own apartment - not her old apartment… before he can stop you

He knocks on your door endlessly - and he has a key, but he doesn’t dare abuse it

You can hear him crying, begging for you to open the door and talk to him

But you don’t

Instead, you remain curled up in your bed with a pillow that smells like him

You love him so fucking much

But if you can’t make him happy…

If it’s memories of Rika that make him happiest…

Then you’ll let him have them uninterrupted and without him feeling like he needs to give his love to you as well

EDIT I added in Unknown upon request so there’s spoilers under this! and maybe some trigger warnings? Like... PTSD and like yeah, if you know this boy’s history you understand

Saeran

He’s been through so much

And this boy has to be the strongest person you have ever seen

For the longest time he wouldn’t let you near him - and granted Saeyoung had a large part of that as well

But when he does, he is so. sweet

Talk about caring

His touches are never anything but feather light, always so gentle and careful

He tells you constantly how he never ever wants to hurt you, that he wants you to never let him even come close

He’s medicated, but accidents can happen and PTSD can really affect the mind

It’s not like he can just magically be cured by medication and support

But he is healing, and you’re so proud of him

And then one day, it all goes to shit

Saeyoung calls you to let you know that Saeran is having some sort of meltdown, that something had to have triggered him

You rush to him of course, and you find him in the kitchen tossing whatever he can get his hands on

Saeyoung is desperately trying to calm him down, and apparently thinks that if Saeran sees you he’ll come back to his senses

It definitely does not work that way

A plate is most certainly launched at you, hitting you in the forehead hard enough that you’re seeing stars

It shatters at your feet as you yelp in pain, but then the commotion just stops

Nothing else if thrown

Instead, there’s a quiet gasp

Saeyoung is trying to pull you from the room, but it’s too late

“MC...?”

“Saeran-” 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, you’re hurt- I hurt you, oh god-” 

You try to go to him, but he bolts, and you can hear a dry sob as he sprints from the room

Saeyoung won’t let you go after him

Rather, he takes you to the emergency room to get your head checked and you’re fucking fine damn it, Saeran needs me!

Saeran is evidently with Jumin, who is keeping him safe and watched after in the penthouse

But he doesn’t come home that night

Or the next day

You’re all but camping out at Saeyoung’s place, harassing him with questions over his brother, when finally Saeyoung hands you a piece of crudely torn paper

MC, fuck (and the fuck is scribbled out), I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to I swear but- I’m so fucked up, I can’t control it sometimes and what I did isn’t even slightly okay. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I won’t ever hurt you again, and I’ll keep my promise this time, because never again will I be near you. I love you so fucking much but (it’s scribbled out as well, seemingly much more violently). We can’t do this. We shouldn’t have done it to begin with. I’m sorry. Goodbye.

Your chest is so tight, it’s hard to breathe

You aren’t aware that you’re sobbing until Saeyoung is helping you sit down and mumbling apologies

You can’t stand the thought of Saeran loathing himself so greatly

It wasn’t his fault

You want to fix it. You need to fix it, you can’t let the person you love the most hate themselves

But you don’t even know where to begin if he won’t let you back in

And it feels like when he left, he took your heart with him

WOW TWIST FOR THIS ONE Saeran breaks up with MC bless

EEEE RIP my heart. I hope this was angsty enough for you and somewhat what you wanted. So like… who wants a part two where they all make up BECAUSE MY POOR HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS HONESTLY angst is only okay if fluff happens in the end :((( 

But this was fun to write so thank you for the HC Request ;) I’m secretly a sucker for pain I’m kidding when I say angst has to have a happy ending. You all are the bomb! Don’t forget about our VALENTINES RFA WEEK I’m hype for it.-Mod Krys

[ericschumacher]

A new post, (One Woman's Response to "Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women"), is available at Eric Schumacher

New Post has been published on https://www.emschumacher.com/one-womans-response-to-worthy-celebrating-the-value-of-women/

One Woman's Response to "Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women"

Yesterday, I published one man’s response to “Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women.” Today, with her permission, I’m sharing a response that a woman sent to Elyse and me.

A guest post by Emily Snook

“You can stop talking now. What you say doesn’t matter.” Five minutes into meeting this pastor, I knew that was his attitude. But I was a little surprised that the actual words had come out of his mouth, especially since I was answering a question about me. My husband side-eyed me knowingly as I tried to control my face and voice for the rest of the meal.

When I tell this story to friends, dear brothers apologize, eyes widened in protective shock and horror, but sisters usually just sadly nod. It may be surprising to hear it out loud so bluntly. But the sentiment is not a surprise. 

It wasn’t the first time I’d been asked a question about myself then been told to stop answering. In fact, there was a time I was pretty used to it. When I was a teenager, I became very sick. It was, as male friends often uncomfortably put it, “a girl problem.”

A Girl Problem

A girl problem. I know many dear friends, who loved and cared about me but just didn’t know how to navigate an awkward topic, would grieve to know how those three words affected me. 

A girl problem. Meaning: not their problem. Something little and insignificant. Or indecent. Not something they were interested in or comfortable discussing. They would ask me to tell them, then quickly turn to squirming and changing the subject. Or dismiss it as not that bad or being dramatic. Not their problem. A result of weakness, irrationality, or worse, a desire for attention. If only they knew how little attention about this I wanted. They were embarrassed? I was horrified every time I knew I would have to explain what was happening in my body. 

Some (men and women) even told me that it was my fault or that no one would want to marry me, or things so much worse I can’t repeat them. I’d already learned from some leaders in my church tradition that being a woman was dangerous and problematic, that there was a specific, narrow mold to fit into for godly womanhood. And that I was not adequately feminine because of my interests or abilities or demeanor. 

A Feminine Failure

I was a failure at being feminine. I was told by one authority figure that my suffering was discipline for that failure. My very body seemed to confirm the lie. My femininity was inherently “less than.” I was broken and condemned. So I learned to stop talking. I learned to pretend to be fine. To fit the mold the best I could (which was still not very well), all while carrying constant physical pain and the weight of what I’d come to believe about myself—I was unclean, unfixable, and unwanted. 

For a long time, it took a lot for anyone, of either gender, to earn my trust enough to hear my real answers. Eventually, through the intervention of true friends, excellent theological education, wise counseling, and God’s faithfulness, I began to break free from those lies. 

Thank God for persistent friends—brothers and sisters, kind teachers and mentors, mothers and fathers. Friends who gently pushed past my defenses and pretenses. Who listened with empathy, not disgust or discomfort. Who told the truth to the lies that silence and shame long spoke over me. Who, twenty years later, still fight for and with me to know and believe that truth. 

So often it’s easy for women, and men, to feel like the world, and even the Church, is telling us to stop talking. That what we say doesn’t matter. That, if we don’t fit the mold, we are less. That our struggle and suffering are shameful. That we are unclean, unfixable, unwanted. And while it is a good thing for people who we know love us, our families and friends, to tell the truth to these lies, what we need is the Church to be the loudest, most trustworthy voice. 

Why Worthy Matters

This is why Worthy is so important. Its straightforward overview of the lives, roles, and value of women in the biblical narrative is a vital framework for pastors, laypeople, and everyone in between. Elyse’s story-telling does not set out a mold but paints a varied tapestry of feminine beauty, wisdom, and strength. Eric’s humble, careful exegesis and confessional exhortation (especially to his fellow pastors) is a necessary male voice. It brought me to tears multiple times, with thankfulness and relief. 

Worthy is not a book for or about women. Not really. I did not come away from it in awe of women or even feeling better somehow in myself. Worthy celebrates women, but every single celebration points to the One who made her in His image, protects and defends her, keeps His promises to her, gives her voice and vocation, lays Himself down for her, and loves her as His Bride. 

Worthy may lead you to reevaluate or better appreciate the worth of women. But more importantly, it will lead you to love Jesus. It will urge men and women alike to find their worth in the only One who can make the unclean holy, the unfixable whole, the unwanted chosen and beloved. 

Worthy helped me love Jesus more. It encouraged me to wait for the day that He lifts up my head and calls me “daughter.” It stirred my longing for the day of His return when all the suffering of the curse is finally and fully redeemed in the realized promise of the Son. 

Emily, her husband Matt, and their two sons live in small-town Oklahoma. They serve in a rural church doing youth ministry and work with a local non-profit. Emily studied psychology and theology at Oklahoma Baptist University. She loves hip-hop, superheroes, British things, sports, food, being alone, and believes in the power of stories.