#or else i wont wake up to my alarm

[randomositycat]

The way my anxiety spikes at night but I work in the morning so it's not safe to take my meds until :) I wake up

[nerdie-faerie]

Feeling a lil vindictive, a lil nasty this morning

So context, my brother had a work do last night and before he left he told my mum he'd becoming back here and doing so alone. So tell me why he called me at 3am when I'm trying to sleep but travel anxiety and says he's bringing two mates back? I tell him he can't I'm leaving at 6 tomorrow he just goes yeah they'll just be passing through your room. No I've gotta get up in 3 hours you can't be keeping up, yeah it's fine. The fuck it is not

Anyway so my alarm goes off 3 hours later I've barely slept, my brain already woke me up several times prior but that doesn't mean I'm turning my alarms off immediately or getting ready quietly after the prick disturbed my sleep

[nagmaskarangungo]

🎉🎉🎊🎇🎆 WAHOOO 🎆🎇🎊🎉🎉

IM FUCKING BACK OMG!??!?!!?!??!??!?

thank you [tumblr] but also PESTENG YAWA NIMO [tumblr]

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

.

[lavender---sunshine]

My quality of life has gone up so much now that I can sleep in and bake cakes and go for walks and not feel rushed

[cosmicpearlz]

yours for the time being |2|

summary: what happens when your academic rival of years proposes an offer of fake dating? pure chaos.

pairing: gryffindor!jude bellingham x slytherin!reader

a/n: chapter two is finally here!! there is a few time skips in this timeline because i really don't want this series to be overly long but everything still makes sense (at least to me lol). enjoy my loves <3

jude woke up the next morning determined to prove a point. prove a point to whom? no one per say but he was ready to tackle the day. showering and putting on his robes, he headed to the slytherin painting. the gryffindor managed to do everything before ron and harry woke up. did he need to wake up this early? no, he really didn't.

"where's y/n?"

"literally how the fuck did you get in here?" draco says, throwing a confused glance towards jude. the slytherin common room was pretty much empty besides draco, theo and blaise. the boy shrugged in reply to the question.

"don't worry about it."

"mate, y/n isn't even up at this hour. we can relay a message for you though," theo jumps in the conversation. he studied jude's face and body language, the slytherin boy knew something was up.

"i'll come back later then, yeah?"

"if you wish," theo shrugs his shoulders with a light nod. jude doesn't wait for anyone else to talk, he's off to his next destination. the great hall.

"he totally likes her," blaise says to the other guys as soon as jude left the common room.

"yeah, i can see that. i think she likes him too, if we're being honest," theo replied.

-

you were late. like super late and it's all because you didn't set your alarm properly. to make matters worse, of course your stupid friends didn't wake you. you missed breakfast, all of your morning classes and lunch. you showered, dressed in your robes and headed to the common room. you knew the friend group would be there at this time.

"you lot are fucking rude! how could you let me-" your voice trailed off upon seeing jude instead of your friends. a sight that shocked you once more.

"jude, what are you doing here?"

"welcome back to society sleeping beauty." you groaned and pouted at the thought of not having anything to eat. you seriously hated your friends in this moment.

"don't even start. i don't have any food in my system and i know that the kitchens are closed until dinner."

"lucky for you, i saved you a chocolate chip muffin. i know it's not a lot but i figured it would hold you until dinner," jude hands you the muffin that was wrapped in a paper towel.

"how'd you know i like the chocolate chip muffins?"

"i remember in our third year, you used to bully draco into giving you his. that way you always ended up with two." you heart skipped a beat, and you sent the boy a small smile.

"well thank you," you turn to take a seat on the couch. "you know you're missing the last set of classes to be here, right?"

"i was worried when i didn't see you for the day. so after lunch, i came to the common room with your friends. they left at some point to god knows where," he takes a seat next to you.

"and they didn't even wake me? ugh, those idiots."

"i think they thought that you weren't feeling good. to be fair, i would think so too. you're never late to class."

"you have a point buddy. thank you for the muffin again, i could literally kiss you right now," you take another bite, missing the way jude's smirk grows.

"i wouldn't complain about that."

"what?"

"i wouldn't complain if you kissed me. remember you're my girlfriend, a little peck wont hurt." you rolled your eyes and leaned closer to his face. you stare at him before placing a quick peck to his lips.

"you're so flirty bellingham. for no reason at that."

"what? i can't flirt with my girlfriend? and i don't think the kiss was long enough." it's official, the boy was going to drive you insane.

"not long enough?"

"yeah, c'mere for a second," jude wastes no time pulling you in for a kiss. the kiss is as gentle as his hand that rested on your cheek. you shuffle closer to his body, kissing him back intensely. the energy between the two of you pick up causing you both to fight for dominance. jude licks the bottom of your lip, seemly asking for permission. to which to you grant by opening your mouth enough for him to slip his tongue in.

"so he is your boy toy? and that's why he was here early this morning." you jumped away from jude hearing blaise's voice. turning your head, you lock eyes with your friends. each one staring in amusement.

"he isn't my boy toy. he's my boyfriend." you turned back towards jude, "you were here this morning?" jude interlocks his hand with yours, causally nodding his head.

"yeah, don't worry about that." you tilted your head in confusion.

"since when are you guys dating? you usually tell me everything," pansy asks with a slight pout on her face.

"we just started dating and its fairly new. i would've told you if you guys woke me up today! it's like y'all didn't even care my absence."

"told you we should've woken her up. sorry y/n, these idiots don't listen."

"you very well could've woken me up theo."

"you got a point. anyways, we were coming to grab you for dinner."

"good, i'm so hungry. we'll meet you guys in a minute."

"why? you wanna keep kissing your boyfriend?" draco says in a mocking tone. you give him a blank stare and flip him off.

"mind your business. shoo, we'll catch up." your friends left the two of you alone. waiting until the door closes again, you turn to jude.

"how'd i do?"

"you definitely made it believable."

"good. now, are we gonna talk about that kiss?"

"nah," jude shakes his head. "let's get you something to eat though," he stands up himself before helping you stand as well.

"so, we're just not gonna talk about the kiss?"

"walk," jude stands behind you with his hands on your shoulders. you huffed, letting the boy guide you out of the room.

-

the walk to the great hall was quiet yet peaceful. jude's hand remained interlocked with yours and everything felt natural. it was a crazy feeling seeing as it's only been two days since you guys agreed to fake date.

"will you sit with me?"

"are you asking jude?"

"yes. i'd like it if we sat together."

"because of lavender?"

"no, i'm not worried about her. i just like hanging out with you."

"that's a sentence that i've never thought i'd hear from you."

"is that a yes?" he pokes your side, waiting for an answer. you smiled up at him and nodded.

"sure, i'll sit with you."

jude leads the two of you to the gryffindor table. the quiet murmurs of students that watched the two of you suddenly made you self-conscious. you take a glance at your table, finding that your friends were already looking at you. you send a small smile to the group and focus on sitting down next to jude. meeting harry and ron's gazes, you could tell they weren't happy.

"what is she doing here?" harry looks away from you, turning his gaze to his friend.

"she's my girlfriend and i wanted her to sit with me."

"i'm sorry, did you just say girlfriend? as in this snake is your actual girlfriend?" ron asks in a dry manor. the table was awkwardly silent after that. hermione slaps his shoulder and gives a scolding look.

"well fuck you too," you mumbled under your breath. jude being the only one to hear you, kicks your leg lightly. you look to him with a scrunched face. to which he stares right back at you with furrowed brows, you sighed and began to pick at your food.

"don't call her that. we're still freshly new to the dating thing."

"we're happy for you," hermione smiles. you smile back at her and looked down once more. naturally ignoring the other two boys.

the rest of the table falls back into their own conversations. it makes you miss your table because it was like you were invisible during the time you say there. of course, jude did his best to include you in the conversation but the other two friends weren't having it. hermione being the only other person to talk to you. lavender stared at you guys the entire time. her grip on the metal spoon was enough to break it.

"so, in two weeks, our game is against slytherin," jude turns to you with a grin. the quidditch games between gryffindor and slytherin was always a sight to see. seeing as the houses were longtime rivals.

"let me guess; you want me to wear your scarf?"

"absolutely."

"no."

"oh c'mon! why not?"

"because slytherin is gonna kick your team's ass. why would i wear the losing team's colors?" you smirk up at him with a slightly scrunched nose.

"and how are you so sure that your team is winning princess?" jude gazes into your eyes. your chest starts to feel warm under his intense eye contact.

"i just know," you shrugged, maintaining the eye contact he gave you. unbeknownst to the two of you, hermione watches the exchange. she smiles to herself, knowing that the two of you were practically perfect for each other.

"do i have to beg?"

"maybe. i dunno, you should try it," you keep your snicker to yourself. it's jude's turn to huff and roll his eyes.

"can you please wear my scarf?"

"hmm," you stroke your chin with your pointer finger and thumb. pretending to even give it a second thought.

"no."

-

you wore the stupid scarf. maybe it was jude's pathetic puppy dog eyes that did it for you. or maybe it was you growing a small soft spot for the gryffindor over the last couple of weeks. standing with hermione and pansy, you felt nervous for this match. you wanted your team to win but a small part of you hoped jude won.

"wearing your boyfriends' colors, huh?" pansy smirked at you.

"pans, knock it off. jude asked me to wear it but it doesn't mean i want slytherin to lose."

"i think it's sweet that you put your pride aside to support your boyfriend," hermione says, while nudging your arm. you finally crack and smile at the thought.

"yeah yeah, whatever. i wish this game would start, it's cold out here," you snuggled his scarf closer to your face. seemly inhaling his cologne that was left on it. a delightful woody smell with a hint of spice. it was enough to make you melt, not that you would ever tell jude that.

"oh, look it's finally starting!" pansy shakes your shoulders, along with reaching over you to poke hermione's arm.

the slytherin team walks out to the pitch first. cheers and boos fill the stadium. next, the gryffindor team walks on to the pitch and receive the same treatment as the other team. with the blow of the whistle, everyone begins flying on their brooms.

the match was intense. from the defending to the fighting for the golden stitch. gryffindor was the first to score a goal, causing your fellow slytherins to groan. you were amused by lee's commentary that he says during every game. both teams going back and forth scoring goals.

"it looks like jude bellingham and theodore nott are going after the golden stitch! let's see who is able to make it first," the announcement rang through the stadium speakers. you couldn't watch as the two of them fight head on. you place your hands over your eyes but stood in anticipation with the rest of the crowd. that was until you heard the loud gasps of the crowd.

"jude bellingham has been knocked off of his broom! that might leave a nasty bruise or two," lee announced, causing you to gasp too. you watched as he felt from his broom, landing in a weird way.

"slytherin wins once again!" you couldn't bring yourself to cheer with your peers. rushing off the stands to follow the helpers that carried an unconscious jude off the pitch and towards the hospital wing.

-

"is he okay?" you burst through the doors of the hospital wing and questioned madame pomfrey. hermione and pansy standing behind you for comfort.

"he will be. nothing broken, just a few scars and bruising to the ribs." before you could answer, lavender entered through the same doors. you rolled your eyes and turned towards the girl.

"what are you even doing here?"

"checking on jude, as if that wasn't obvious." you stepped closer to the gryffindor girl with a fiery look in your eyes.

"listen here lavender. jude doesn't want you. it's pathetic that you're even still trying! me and him are dating, get over it. if he really wanted you, he would've been dating you a long time ago." your speech rendered the girl speechless. you watched as her eyes watered, but you couldn't bring it in you to care that much. jude groans and your attention is back on him.

"let's give these two some privacy." madame pomfrey ushers everyone out the room. you walk to his bed and watch as his eyes flutter open, meeting your gaze.

"sounds like i gave you quite the scare," jude's voice is horsed and he still manages to let out a small dry chuckle. you sit on the bed, bringing a hand to touch his face.

"you idiot."

"i'm okay, i promise," he wiggled his hand free from under the blanket to grab yours that rest on his cheek. jude maintains his eye contact, while bringing your hand to his lips. pressing soft kisses to the palm and your heart jumped.

"you're bruised up though."

"lucky for me, i have someone to take care of me," jude whispers. you chuckle and lean down to kiss his cheek. you weren't sure what came over you, but you felt that it was something you needed to do.

"who says i'm taking care of you?"

"me. it's part of the girlfriend rule book."

"the girlfriend rule book?" the boy dramatically gasps at your questioning tone.

"you've never heard of the girlfriend rule book?"

"pretty sure that's not a thing bellingham."

"of course it is. there's a page that says girlfriends must care for their injured or sick boyfriends."

"oh yeah?"

"yes."

"you made that up."

"no, it's real." you stare at him with a knowing look. for a couple seconds, it was silent between you guys. you were just staring at each other before jude cracks a smile.

"okay, i made it up."

"I knew it! it sounded so stupid, something you'd definitely think of."

"is it wrong for me to want my girlfriend to kiss it better?" he sticks his bottom lip out in a pout. you giggled at his silliness and shake your head.

"no, i suppose not."

"can i get a kiss?"

"do you deserve a kiss?"

"c'mon, i'm on my death bed," he whines like a child that isn't getting what they want.

"you're not on your death bed jude."

"woman just kiss me already!"

you lean your head down to press a kiss to his lips. you try to pull away but jude is quicker in pressing your face closer to his. mouths moving in sync with each other. he bites your bottom lip, loving the sound you make in the kiss. you hand touches the side of his rib, which causes him to break the kiss and flinch. a groan of pain comes out of his mouth. your hand jumps back from his body in stock.

"i'm so sorry. i completely forgot! are you okay?" your eyes search his body and face frantically. jude places both hands on your cheeks, turning you to face him.

"i'm okay princess. you did nothing wrong."

"promise?"

"i promise," he pulls your head down to peck your lips once more.

god, it looks like you both are breaking your rule of not getting attached to each other. neither of you seem to care too much about that. your hearts beating solely for each other. not that the other knows about the secret feelings that were brewing up.

[loveisanimaginarydagger3000]

Secrets (5)

Pairings: Dark Wanda X Reader, Natasha X Reader

 This fic is inspired by the song Secret by the Pierces and the HBO Max show Love and Death. I recommend listening to the song before reading but it's not necessary

Warnings: 18+ Soft smut and slightly rougher smut, Graphic Depictions of Violence, murder, dark thoughts, guilt, Heavy angst. Hurt no comfort.

Please consider these warnings before reading.

Chapter 5- If I can't have you, No one can (4.6k words)

Other Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4

If I can't have you, No one can

Y/N?

Yes, Wanda

I have something I want to ask you, but

You have to promise never to tell anyone

I promise

Do you swear on your life?

I swear on my life

Would you be interested in having an affair?

Pinching the bridge of her nose, a deep, heavy sigh left Wanda's lips, her mind swimming with thoughts. She saw how guilt-ridden you were about the whole affair, knowing that after tonight you definitely weren't going to risk being with her again. One of her biggest fear was that you would tell Natasha what had happened between the two of you as she could tell that the secret was eating you alive. She couldn't have anyone else finding out. Not Natasha. Not Vision. No one.

Walking towards the window, Wanda had one last look towards your house, a disappointed noise leaving her once seeing the curtains were still firmly shut, not even a small gap for her to look through.

You can't leave me Detka. I can't lose you.

Closing her own curtain, she walked away and sat on the edge of her bed, placing her head in her hands. Wanda was adamant about keeping you and your secret, but how was she going to get rid of Natasha? Endless ideas ran through her mind, only snapping out of her spiral of thoughts at the sound of the twins, realising they were up and getting ready for school. She would have to find a solution later.

I wont lose you Dorogaya.

***

"Moya Lyubov," hummed a soft and gentle voice, their lips pressing against your cheek as you let out a sleepy groan. "Come on, wake up for me love," Natasha continued, your head pressing further into your pillow as the redhead leaned over your body, a soft smile playing on her lips. "I have a surprise for you..." she whispers at the shell of your ear in a low tone, your eyes fluttering open, glancing over to the bedside table for the time.

Natasha had woken you up half an hour before your alarm, a small groan leaving you at being denied sleep before that turned into a sensual sigh at the feeling of her lips at your neck.

"A surprise? At this time?" you murmur out, rolling onto your back and letting her climb above you, her legs straddling your waist. "I wonder what it could be," your eyes stare up into her enamoured green, a teasing and lust-filled glint shining in them.

"Have a guess," she purrs, letting her lips meet yours softly, a quiet moan escaping you at the intimacy of the moment. Your hands thread through her red hair, keeping her close and deepening the kiss, her tongue dominating your mouth.

"A puppy?" you sigh out jokingly when she pulls back from the kiss, your chest rising and falling with each ragged breath. She rolls her eyes at you, her fingers tracing your jawline before travelling down to your neck, hand ghosting the base of your neck as she rests it there.

"Not a puppy," she mutters out, "But I could get you a collar," your cheeks immediately redden at that, a chuckle leaving her lips at your flustered state.

"Shut up," you grumble, pulling her back down for another kiss which she smiles into, you inevitably doing the same. Natasha laughs once more before letting her hands drift down your body, her lips relentless against yours while her fingers slide under the waistband of your sleep shorts. "Fuck," you sigh out when her teeth bite down on your lower lip, her moving her kisses to your neck.

"Is this ok?" she whispers when sliding the shorts down your legs, a quick 'yes' spilling from your lips. "You're so beautiful Moya Lyubov," her tone is low at your ear, making you groan before her fingers teasingly trace random patterns at your inner thighs. She can feel your hips twitching upwards, desperate for her touch making her smirk as she presses a hot, open-mouthed kisses at the juncture of your neck.

"Nat, please," you sigh out, her just silencing you with her lips. You moan into the kiss when her fingers brush your clit, an innocent look in her eyes as she peers up into your eyes.

"What's wrong?" she playfully murmurs, you deciding to take matters into your own hands, flipping the two of you over so you were on top. Smiling down at her as you straddle her lap, she raises her brow at you, your body leaning forwards to claim her lips.

"You're teasing," you grumble to answer her question, your hands moving down her body, tracing the curve of her hips before pulling down her panties, moaning softly when you could feel they were already wet. "And we're short for time so, why don't we make the most of it?" She clenches her jaw to bite back a groan when you move your hips so that your pussy is pressed against hers, the warm and slick feeling causing pleasure to flow through you both.

"Fuck," she moans quietly when you grind your hips down against her, her hands moving to guide your hips as you start moving faster. "You feel so good," she groans and it's sinful the way she says those words. You clench around nothing at the way she looks up at you, arousal and heat burning through your body as you need to feel more of her.

"Natasha," you moan, moving your hands to interlock with hers for support as your clits brush against each other, another lewd noise escaping her.

Soft moans and pants filled the room as you continued to grind against each other, Natasha's hips moving up in time with yours, filthy sounds of your cores rubbing together mixing with the sinful noises escaping you both. It didn't take long for you both to be on edge, Natasha's head lolled back, sharp jawline exposed until you moved your face lower to pepper kisses along it, groaning against the skin when your hips ground down harder.

"I'm so close," she sighs out sensually, her hands moving to tangle in your hair and tug your mouth back towards hers. She moans into your mouth at the intensity of the kiss as you pour all your love and passion for her in it, her hips twitching frantically under you.

"So am I," you pant out against her lips, her fingers tightening their grip on your hair making you groan at the small pain mixing with pleasure.

"Come with me Moya Lyubov," she rasps out, your body trembling against hers as your orgasm crashes through you. You crash your lips to hers desperately, muffling both of your moans as she also falls over the edge, her hips rolling against yours as you both ride out the aftershocks of your orgasms.

Your body rests on hers, forehead against hers as you try to catch your breath. Her lips meet yours gently once more, barely brushing them before pulling back, the soft sounds of breathing taking over the room. Fluttering your eyes open, a smile stretches across your face at the content expression etched on her face, a similar one taking over yours.

The moment is interrupted by the sound of your alarm going off, a displeased noise escaping you at the annoying noise. You smack the clock to shut it up, not too sure whether you broke it or just hit the stop button, and buried your face at the crook of Natasha's neck, body melting against hers. "Good morning," you mumble at her skin, the warmth of her body slowly lulling you back to sleep

"Good morning Moya Lyubov, but you have to get up now," she whispers encouragingly, knowing today was an important day at the bookstore. Maria Hill, one of the most famous authors at the moment, had a new book coming out to which people had pre-ordered from your store, desperate to get their hands on it.

"I could just stay here," you grumble, a sound of surprise leaving you when Natasha sits up with you in her arms, forcing you to get up as she gets out of bed. "That was rude," she chuckles at the small pout on your face, kissing your forehead to make it disappear before walking into the bathroom and starting the shower.

"I'll make it up to you in the shower," she purrs out sultrily at the door frame, pulling her shirt over her head making you practically jump out of the bed, eager to join her.

Who cares if you were going to be a few minutes late opening up the shop?

***

"So I will see you tomorrow?" you say to Natasha as you start to head out of the front door in a rush, spending a little too long in the shower and now definitely going to be late to the shop.

"Tomorrow," she confirms, passing you the keys to your car as you had forgotten them in your rush. You offer her a shy smile, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips, lingering for a moment before pulling back.

"Say hi to Yelena for me," you say while getting in your car as that's where the redhead was off to later in the day.

"I will do," she stands by your door, your window rolling down quickly as you say goodbye to her, the smile never leaving her face

"And be safe, no getting into trouble with Yelena," you say in a faux serious tone, offering her a warning look to which she lets an angelic laugh out at.

"I can't make any promises," she teases, making you roll your eyes at her, knowing full well something would happen involving the redhead, her sister and a few vodkas. "I love you," she says once you're ready in the car, bending down to kiss you once more through the rolled down window.

"I love you too," you sigh back, smiling to yourself as you reverse out of the drive, thinking about the way her lips felt on yours on your way to the shop.

Natasha watched your car drive down the road, about to walk back to the house when she heard her name being called.

"Natasha?" Wanda called again, jogging a little from her front door to catch up with the other woman.

"Is everything alright?" the redhead asks as the older woman pants slightly.

"Oh yes, everything is fine," she dismisses, allowing the worry to fade from Natasha. "I was just wondering if you could help me move a box from the basement to upstairs? It's too heavy for me to lift on my own," she explains, Natasha checking her watch and noting that she had plenty of time before she had to start getting ready to leave for Yelena's.

"I can help," she offers the older woman a kind smile, Wanda's jaw clenching to hide the overjoyed expression that wanted to take over.

"Perfect."

***

The creaking of the stairs echoed around the basement as Natasha walked down them, Wanda following behind as she guided Natasha on where she was going.

"The box is in the far left corner," she explains, holding back a bit while Natasha ventures her way through the concrete room. Her eyes took in all the discarded toys that were the twins and other items littered on wooden shelves, the old furniture that seemed to be used once in a while for events and an array of cardboard boxes filled with various items.

"Is it just this one?" Natasha asks when she sees the large box in the corner, turning around to face the older woman when her body froze, fear taking over.

The green of Wanda's eyes become empty, her hands clutching tightly the handle of an axe, a nervous chuckle escaping Natasha. This was just a joke, right?

"Wanda, what are you doing?" her tone is laced with fear, a shiver running down her spine when Wanda merely tilts her head, anger now evident on her face.

"You can't have her," she says, a taut smile taking over her face as her eyes regain some life, danger and hurt swirling in them, "I won't let you take her from me."

As Wanda takes a step forward, Natasha takes one backwards, the back of her legs hitting the cardboard box leaving her trapped in the corner of the room.

"What? I haven't taken anything from you Wanda," Natasha's voice wavering as she keeps her eyes on Wanda's knuckles bleeding white, her grip increasing along with her anger and insanity.

"You are the reason she's not mine," Wanda continues, ignoring the redhead's confusion as she points the axe at her. "You are the reason I can't have her and if I can't have her, no one can."

Wanda takes another step towards Natasha, conflicted emotions written across her face as she's somewhat clueless about what was going on and terrified of Wanda.

"Who?" Natasha desperately sighs out, looking around the room to see if there was anything that could help her escape. There wasn't anything useful nearby so she would have to settle on trying to talk Wanda out of this.

"Y/n," at the sound of your name, Natasha's face drops, confusion and hurt evident. Upon seeing the pain on Natasha's face, the corners of Wanda's lip pull up into a cruel smirk, "She's mine."

"Wanda..." The redhead loses her track of thoughts as she tries to comprehend what Wanda was saying, the older woman deciding to be sinister and make her suffer.

"She even said it," Natasha's jaw clenches as Wanda continued, her grip loosening on the axe as she torments the other woman. Despite the hurt consuming the Russian, she was still observant, noticing how Wanda's fingers relaxed against the wooden handle. "I'm yours, your slut," When Wanda imitates you, confirming what she feared, Natasha could physically feel her heart crack a little, burying the pain of it all like she used to do before she met you.

You wouldn't do this. Would you? No, no you wouldn't. You had been acting differently but... You loved her.

Right?

Those were Natasha's thoughts as Wanda was within arms reach, taunting her with more words she shut out. She refused to believe what she was hearing, you wouldn't hurt her like that. Wanda was just insane, clearly deranged as she held an axe by her side.

"She wouldn't do that," Natasha's voice was adamant, and painfully so as you had done what Wanda said. Natasha was determined to block out all the doubts in her mind, but there was no way of preventing the twisting pain in her heart of her uncertainty.

"She did," is all Wanda says as she smiles to herself, thinking about how you were fully hers when in the motel, too blissed out to even consider Natasha.

It was in that brief moment when Wanda was lost in thought that Natasha decided to capitalise on her lack of focus and shove the older woman as far as possible, knocking her over. While falling, the axe clatters to the ground, falling out of Wanda's hands before she rushes to her feet as Natasha tries to run past her, catching her hair and pulling hard on it, a pained noise escaping the redhead. Wanda pulls her body back towards her before pushing Natasha into one of the shelves with force, her body roughly coming into contact with the wood.

Natasha's desire to live was tragically overpowered by Wanda's brutal desire to have you, the younger woman giving it her all as she fought back.

Natasha's leg kicked back at Wanda, catching her with her boot and causing a groan of pain to leave the other woman, moving to push Wanda into a shelf this time. Wanda anticipated the move, manoeuvring out of the way and pushing Natasha into another one, her body colliding with a metal box that was on a shelf. A cry left her at the feeling of a rib cracking, fighting the tears that wanted to spill as she grabbed the box and swung it at Wanda.

She screamed in anguish when the metal of the box caught the side of her forehead, causing her to fall to her knees.

While Wanda was down, Natasha ran as fast as she could with the throbbing pain in her abdomen, staggering up the stairs to reach the door. Her hand clutched at her abdomen, her other hand reaching the rail to help pull her body up before pain lacerated her back.

The sound of a gut-wrenching scream reverberated around the room only to be quickly replaced by a disgusting squelch as the axe was ripped out of Natasha's back. Her body became rigid with pain as red seeped out the glistening wound in her upper back, Wanda's body buzzing with adrenaline as she watched the woman fall to the stairs and sob against them.

The sound of Wanda's heavy breathing matched with the pounding of Natasha's heart, the latter waiting apprehensively for her inevitable fate as she turned as best she could to beg the other for her life.

Wanda's jaw clenched hard, her teeth violently grinding against one another as she stared into Natasha's pleading emerald eyes. Regret didn't even cross Wanda's mind as the bloodstained axe was raised in the air once more as she snapped.

Blood messily splattered against the walls while flesh was repeatedly shredded by the blade, Wanda's breathing becoming ragged from the adrenaline coursing through her body. The crack of Natasha's skull was deafening as it crunched under the force of the metal, crumbling apart as if it were nothing. Bone was brutally splintered like pieces of wood, flesh clinging to the axe as it was lifted into the air again, and again, and again until what was left was unrecognisable.

Crimson oozed down the stairs while the warm liquid coated Wanda's body, a revolting noise echoing around the room as the axe was torn out of Natasha's viscera for the final time. The aggressive pounding of Wanda's heart filled her ears, the dripping of blood from the weapon going unnoticed as it stained the floor beneath her.

Emotion soon resurfaced in Wanda's eyes as she stood frozen over what some wouldn't even consider a corpse, too mutilated to be described as such a thing.

Shock rapidly followed, the metal of the axe colliding with the floor in a pool of crimson and rattling as Wanda's hands quickly pushed her hair back in a stressed manner, only further smearing the blood that coated her body.

Detka, Look what you made me do.

I did this for you.

You.

You made me kill her.

You gave me no other choice.

She never deserved you.

She wouldn't kill for you.

I would.

I have.

That's how much you mean to me Detka.

Can't you see it?

A series of unstable and unhealthy thoughts swarmed her mind as she lifted her foot to step over the mangled body, moving on autopilot as she made her way into the bathroom.

From there on what happened was hazy to Wanda, the sensation of water burning into her skin as the liquid was tainted red being one of the only things she could remember vividly. The rest of the clean up a complete blur as she was lost to her dark thoughts once more, utterly and terrifyingly consumed by you.

If you had loved me, this would never have had to have happened.

If you had loved me...

You never loved me.

***

Knocking on the door of the motel, you waited patiently outside until Wanda revealed herself, a smile taking over her face. You mirrored her expression, offering a shy, gentle one as you walked into the familiar room.

To say you hadn't thought about her today would have been a complete lie. Every time you had a small break from the customers your mind drifted to tonight. You were tired and exhausted from tending to the vast amount of people today and were in dire need of something to relax you, making tonight seem more appealing than you anticipated. Guilt gnawed at you slowly for the excitement, berating yourself for giving into your own selfish wants one more time but you were adamant tonight was the last time so, why not try to enjoy it?

You hated yourself for loving the way Wanda made you feel, hated the fact that, despite loving Natasha, you wanted tonight to happen before it all ended. You wanted one final night with Wanda whether you wanted to admit it or not.

"How was your day Detka?" she asks as she sits on the bed, inviting you onto her lap to which you do so, a little more hesitant than Wanda liked though. It seemed that despite wanting tonight, your guilt was still holding you back.

Stop holding onto her. She's gone.

"Tiring," you sigh out, your body tense in her lap as her hands drift up and down your body. You noticed the slightly rougher texture of her fingers, unknowing that she scrubbed them almost raw to remove the blood that stained her skin and creeped under her fingernails. Her eyes watched you intently, an indecipherable glint in them as you opened your mouth to say something before pausing, unsure of whether to say it or not.

"What's wrong Detka?" her voice contains a little annoyance at your unsure state, wanting you to be completely in the moment with her.

"I just..." You're nervous under her gaze, your eyes looking away from her to which she guides your chin to face hers, forcing you to look at her. "I need you to know this is definitely the last time," you whisper, her jaw clenching, "And I was thinking of telling Natasha-"

"What?" her voice was harsh as she interrupted you, confusion and anger swirling in her eyes, "Why?"

"I want to be honest with her," your tone wavering, "I won't let her know it was you, I promise, Vision will never find out-"

"You swore you'd never tell," she sighs out, looking away from you and letting out a heavy breath. "Let's just talk about this later," she mumbles, turning back to face you, "I want to enjoy one last night with you."

You shyly nod your head, her lips meeting yours roughly, desperately trying to release her pent up frustration and anger. Her hands quickly drifted to your hair, threading through your locks and tangling her fingers in them, tugging your head where she wanted.

You moaned into the kiss at the small amount of pain, your hands cupping her face as she deepened the kiss. You were slow in your movements to begin with, the guilt of it all fading away as arousal took over, filthy words spilling from her lips to help you drift into your submissive headspace when with her.

Once you gained a little more confidence, your hands ventured down her body, nails digging into her back a little before she took you by surprise and flipped the two of you over, pressing you into the mattress.

Her front was flush against yours, the feeling of her knee at your core causing a low moan to escape you.

"Tell Mommy what you want from her," she purrs near your ear, one of her hands moving to the base of your neck, applying a firm amount of pressure as you groan at the dominant action.

"I want you," you sigh out, wanting her to make everything else go away for tonight. The guilt, the stress, the exhaustion from today, she could make it all go away and you wanted that. "I want you to make me forget everything but you."

Wanda's head moved away from your neck, tilting it inquisitively as her thoughts took over once more.

You don't want me. You want her.

You only want me for tonight. I want you forever.

Her hand squeezed a little harder, her eyes darkening a little more in a dangerous manner.

"You don't want me," she grits out, your brows furrowing at the sudden harsh tone of voice. "You never wanted me," the pressure of her hand on your throat becomes uncomfortable, her switch in mood scaring you as your hands clutch at her arm, trying to ease her grip.

"Wanda," you choke out, her grip never faltering as she stares into your fearful eyes, face slowly reddening due to her actions. "Please stop," the other woman ignores your plea, her face clearly conflicted as she continued to choke you.

"You swore you'd never tell," she says once more, your nails digging into her skin as you desperately try to stop her.

"I wont tell her," your voice weak as you struggle for breath. You clawed at her arms to push her away, tears spilling from your cheeks at the pain of her actions.

"You can't," Wanda sighs out, confusion and the lack of air causing your mind to become fuzzy. "You can't tell her but that doesn't matter," she eases her grip, allowing you to breathe a little as she's still conflicted on what to do.

You're never going to want me.

You'll hate me if you knew what I did.

I can't have you hating me.

"You'll hate me," she mumbles to herself before making a decision, her grip suddenly increasing making you cough at the sheer amount of pressure she applies to your throat, blocking your airways.

"You swore on your life," your head goes lightheaded, your mind not able to process what was going on as you drifted between consciousness and unconsciousness, Wanda ignoring that as she continues to talk to you, needing to express and try to justify her actions to herself. "This is all your fault," tears brew in her eyes as your eyes flutter shut, your body shutting down from the lack of oxygen as she leaves you to die in her arms. "You should have loved me. Me," she exclaims with a distraught tone, completely lost to insanity.

"You should have loved me," she sobs out again, her heart breaking at what she had done, your arm falling from hers onto the bed, pulse having stopped under her fingertips. Her hands shake as she releases your neck, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as fresh tears spill down her cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you but you- you made me do this," her voice shakes as she just stares at your lifeless body, her heart twisting painfully at the sight.

"I'm sorry Detka," she whispers, leaning to press a kiss to your forehead, lingering as she lets out a pained whimper.

Why didn't you just love me?

After drowning in her thoughts, Wanda pulls away from you once she regains some sort of control over herself, wiping the tears from her cheeks before climbing off your body, standing shakily on her feet to leave the room as she can't face what she's done. Her body pauses at the door though, her head turning to look at the still body on the bed,

"You're mine forever now. I love you Dorogaya."

—

'Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead

Yes, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead

Yes, two can keep a secret if one of us is dead'

—

I hate this just as much as you do. I'm sorry.

Despite all the pain, I hope you have enjoyed reading Secrets as much as I have enjoyed writing it. It was meant to be a short one shot where I experimented with darker tones and heavier angst but it became this and I love and hate the fact I wrote it.

Please leave any thoughts/comments/votes <3 Please don't kill me for this ;)

Masterlist

[nololginny]

Birthday Breakfast

summary: Taylor Thornton wanted to make a special breakfast for her boyfriends birthday, but SOMEBODY was getting in the way.

Taylor woke up at around 6:30 in the morning. her alarm was going off, she looks next to her to see if she woke up her boyfriend. Luckily, hes a deep sleeper so she gets up and does her hair. It was rafes birthday today, and officially 3 years that they have been dating. On his 19th birthday, he asked her to be his girlfriend. So, every year it was a very special day for both rafe and Taylor. She was planning on making a breakfast, but she only knew one other good baker besides Rafe.

She made her way to sarahs room, and sure enough she opens the door to find her brother in his best friends sisters bed, who happened to also be my best friend strange enough. She sighed as she heard Toppers annoying snores echoing sarahs entire room. Taylor went over to the day old glass of water on toppers side of the bed, and poured it in his mouth when he snored again. Sure enough, He starts coughing and waking up. "What the fuck Taylor, what was that for?"

"Wake up bitch, you promised to help me with YOUR best friends breakfast, thats the only reason im letting you sleep with MY best friend. "Actually rafe gave me permission so shut up rat face". "Oh my god your insults are almost as bad as your ugly ass frosted tips". Taylor snarked, putting the glass of water down. "So, are you just here to insult me or are we gonna do this, or can i go back to bed" topper states. "if you do not get up im telling sarah about the party last friday". "ok ok alright chill the fuck out im coming, jesus'' he yawned, getting out of bed.

As taylor read the instructions out to topper, he rubbed his tired eyes while slowly but surely getting out the ingredients. "Can you go any fucking slower holy shit" topper just looks at her with a straight face, picking up the bowl very slowly. "your a dumbass egg head you know that right?" she states, throwing an egg right at toppers forehead. "Are you fucking serious, this is my brand new golf shirt", he yells. "aw too bad, pay attention and you wont notice the big stain". Before she could say anything else, she felt a egg get thrown right at her hair.

"Oh your fucking done flopper" she yells at grabbing more eggs from the carton. "yea try to catch me with your chicken legs" he blurts out, running for his life, trying to avoid any more stains on his new shirt. As topper ran across the couch, he felt a body shove into him , as he tried to escape to the hallway. "Oh shit" he screams out, falling back onto the beanbag. He looks up to see a very confused rafe looking back at him. "Topper, what the fuck are you doing in my kitchen at 7 am in the fucking morning?" he asks, clearly had just woken up from the noise.

"Hey man, its not my fault my bitchy sister wanted to make breakfast so god damn early in the morning. Like holy shit how much do i have to go down on your sister for her to make me fucking eggs on my birthday" he blurts, not thinking of what he said. "your a fucking weirdo" Rafe states, pushing past him and going to his girlfriend in the kitchen, disappointed in herself that they woke him up. "Baby i told you not to do anything for my birthday, having you here is all i need" he grabs her hips, and pulls her in for a passionate kiss. "I know i just wanted it to be the thought that counted, but fucking flopper over here messed everything up".

Rafe just laughs at Taylors and Toppers beef. "Oh also Top, my girlfriend, your sister, is not a bitch". Topper just puts a thumbs up, with a fake ass smile to go along with. "Oh by the way rafe, your precious girlfriend ruined my new polo shirt. "Okay, then go wash it, are you fucking dumb?" he retaliates, holding his girlfriend by the waist. "Babe can we go back to bed please" She asks. "of course, topper go clean this shit up" he demands, leaving topper alone with the mess. "no way she insulted my frosted tips" he says to himself, getting a trash bag for the broken egg yolks.

[tobyisave]

the plot of "ethanol"

aka that Adamandi fanfiction I never finished last year (OTL) and companion to this drawing (x)! There were only a few pages (that I will never release) so instead here's what was going to happen, according to my old notes doc... it's mostly just Vincent angst I'm not gonna lie. I kinda stopped because I realized there was no plot at all and that's not how stories work

Also: I did not write adamandi. And it's been a *second* since I was Vincent. And cannot stress enough that even the finished parts of this are wildly unfinished. So make of this what you will kdlfdsjf

(tw for body horror, medical horror, suicide, self harm, others harm, vomit, you know the drill it's Adamandi)

CH1: "I love you, too"

Vincent wakes up in Hancock Infirmary, the medical center on Ardess campus. (It's incredibly sketchy that he's not in the local hospital instead -- especially since the Infirmary has been openly racist to him and Quincy before -- but evidently this is the best way to keep things under wraps.)

He has a traumatic brain injury (from fighting Beatrix), is probably a little drugged, and starts freaking out because he's in pain and everything looks super flat and fake...

But he sees his Phaethon award letter sitting on the nightstand and feels so relieved that he lets himself fall back asleep.

Later the doctor tells him "what happened" including a reference to Vincent’s suicide attempt and "stabbing his own eye" to which he's like my WHAT. He finally realizes he can only see out of one eye - he pokes his fingers into the "soft, swollen folds of meat" on his face (thanks past toby) and finds that the eye is completely gone.

Doc is like you might have amnesia? You also have a TBI. Also fill out this form to make sure you wont kill urself when we release you

Specifically, the form is like “How often in the past two weeks have you: Had trouble sleeping…. Had thoughts that you are a failure….. Wanted to hurt yourself….. Attempted suicide….” And because he only ticks the last one the final score is "1" and the doctor's like okay free to go! (this is totally anachronistic but i think its funny so it stays)

Doctor makes him call someone to help him get home.

For some reason he doesn’t want to call Quincy (he thinks bc he hurt Quincy really bad). He thinks over who else he could call – oh yes, that guy I’ve been hanging out with lately, Ambrose! Wait fuck…. For the first time he realizes that Ambrose is not here.

After phoning Quincy to pick him up (Q cries on the phone, V feels moved to but genuinely doesn't have the energy to cry or even say much - and they say I love you to each other, except its Weird and Uncomfortable this time), Vincent roots around in the medical waste bin and pockets his enucleated eye, which he's alarmed to find is bloody and kind of smashed to a pulp.

CH2: pretty peppermint green

(title from "asthma" by b/ulldog eyes)

Quincy shows up (btw they're they/them in this because I can) and Vincent remembers pretty much everything. They share a reluctant kiss --- after which Vincent is content to slip into the fantasy that things are back to normal --- and walk back to the dorm. It's lightly misting outside. On the way there, Vincent stops and kneels to vomit from his intense headache and nausea. Quincy tries to hold them/help them up after and it makes Vincent's heart race.

In Quincy's room, they lie in bed. Vincent is often the big spoon (lol) but he feels the eye in his front pocket squish against Quincy's back, so they switch for undisclosed reasons. Quincy keeps saying they're so glad Vincent is back and they love him so much. That strikes a terrible weird chord with Vincent, and he's just lying there and he can't see Quincy's face and he's practically pressed between them and the wall and he can't stop feeling like there's another guy in the room watching them both, and he's not sure if the knowledge that there isn't is comforting or scary, and he starts freaking out until he has to leave the room.

(Why that strikes a weird chord: Quincy kept dissing him until now, and now is lovebombing him? Is that because Vincent finally earned their respect academically or because Quincy is guilty or what? He can usually tell what Q's thinking but it's very opaque to him right now - either because of the TBI or because their history is so extreme. And what usually makes him feel calm and well - ie Quincy - is not working anymore).

Vincent goes downstairs and sleeps on the basement couch. He unlocks this memory -- or is it just an image he constructed to fill the gap? -- of Quincy holding him, the weapon still in their hands, those hands still bloody, their face twisted in a horrific expression he can't even describe.

CH3: 20 grams

(title - from "duck or ape" by roar - but references an old paper that claimed to experimentally calculate the weight of a soul by weighing a person before and after death - they were purportedly 20 grams lighter.)

In the morning, Vincent goes to his own dorm. His chair and desk and bedframe were all burned in the pyre, plus most of his paper and books, so there's just big square sun-stains everywhere and a lot of empty space.

He goes to his bottom shelf, where there's a few empty jars & cans & stolen lab glassware, and puts his old eye in an open beaker. There's a big jug of ethanol under his bed and he pours some in to preserve it. (This has been making the room smell awful by the way). The beaker goes on the shelf next to an array of other trophies (aka student organs) which he'd left as a sort of last display of genius that the world could find after he killed himself.

He goes to the mirror and is unnerved to realize that he's been fully bathed and his hair has been brushed out. He checks all the bruises on his body and tries to recount where he got each one - most are from previous murders and some are from the pyre. Even though he literally just got out of the hospital where he lost an eye, he looks a lot better than in the past few weeks just because he finally got some fucking sleep and idk they probably had him on an IV or something

After that he looks at his eye again with morbid fascination --- he's seen this exact wound on corpses before, but never seen it healing.

He considers taking out his surgery kit and trying to fix the eye. There's this question of if he could repair his damaged eye and see through it again, would he be able to see Quincy the same as he used to? His right eye never saw Quincy betray him. He wonders if Quincy burned themself again after last night - the first time he remembers that knowledge - and tears come even though he's still just standing there absently.

Anyway when he goes back to the shelf to look at his old eye, he frowns at how fucked up it is, and pulls down the bottle next to it instead. In the bottle are two blue eyes. He pulls one out in front of the mirror and presses it into his socket, which is rapidly filling with fluid; it overflows out of the socket as he pushes the eye in. This is agonizing because he's putting an eye covered in ethanol into an open wound.

He stands there looking at himself, still in his jacket, with one finger up to hold the eye in place, for like 10 straight minutes. He recounts all the unbelievable things he's done this year, the way people looked at him a bit differently as he started to get his act together. The way they looked each time he wound up the killing blow. Ambrose's eye still looks completely out of place on Vincent's face.

Everything else that happens!

Quincy & Beatrix

Beatrix was also going to be at the hospital for back up in CH2 apparently. so pretend that happened

Quincy finds out about the preserved eye (idk how lol) and confesses to Beatrix that it creeps them the fuck out. Beatrix assumes it's because it represents Quincy's guilt and tries to reassure them. That makes Quincy feel worse because to be honest they just thought it was disgusting and scary to see their lover's disembodied eye looking back at them from the bottom of a beaker.

Graduation

The three of them are planning on going together and walking through the Ardess Randolphitz graduation gate etc etc. Except all of them are kind of having a trauma reaction to the idea of going to graduation. Less so Quincy, because they missed the pyre graduation speech, but yeah. Nobody likes that.

Vincent thinks about skipping graduation but then checks his mailbox and realizes he failed two of his classes this semester. AN: In my notes it said this: the letter says he has to take an extra course to graduate - he literally cant afford that (used to have a scholarship but obviously broke the contract) so he can't graduate. His family is in China and he cant stomach the thought of explaining everything to them.

(Right before the Pyre scene he mailed a copy of the newspaper accusing him of murder to his family because he wanted his mom to see what he did (/pos??). Then he has this sudden realization that his mom has no idea who Vincent Aurelius Lin is. Not really that relevant to this fic, but I actually consider this canon to the show because I sat backstage and did it every night with the newspaper prop lmao)

Anyway I don't think the graduation logic checks out anymore, I mean he won the Phaethon so he kind of has to graduate lol. Oh well.

Quincy & Vincent

Honestly... I didn't write a lot about what happens with them because one of the central concepts of the fic is that they break up! And unfortunately I seem to have stopped working on this around the time that Quincy reentered the story, so I have no idea what that actual arc was going to look like. Upon revisiting this story though, it's pretty obvious I was just using everyone else as a sounding board for Vincent angst anyway... so that kind of sucks lol

Room situation

Vincent... doesn't have a bed... so he sleeps in the basement of Stutton (?) again. Unlike the months leading up to the pyre where he was completely sleepless (aka restless and unable to stop mentally planning each of his murder schemes and the things he would say about what inspired them after it all came out), he falls asleep really easily now (...because of the TBI). Beatrix encounters him there and heres a quote from my google doc:

B: oh my god. don't tell me you lost your keys again 

V: no. i just… dont have anywhere to go

B: … do you want my room key? like ill have to kick you out in the morning but me and portia are pulling an all nighter right now 

V: thats not what i meant. (licks lips) beatrix im not graduating

(AN: damn.... where CAN he run........)

B brings V to news room where portia and her are working, planning to use portia as the emotional support dog. this works on portia's end but vincent is not very reactive.

Beatrix is renting a house for the summer and invites Lin to sleep on her couch (upon learning that he planned to squat or get back with Quincy to survive)

Summer: Bea's house

P: Bea, he's a murderer! You're going to let him live in your house? Alone?!

B: Harper, just.... look at him

*The most hollow dead eyed broken toy of a Vincent you've ever seen*

^^^^ this is like the establishing quote of the fic, just vincent looking like that is the whole concept actually. Obviously thats also what I tried to capture with the drawing too

While shes at work he gets very understimulated and he wants to Plot Evilly and hes really really frustrated that he cant (because that project is over and he can't focus)

he used to journal/stalk every day but "lately... i cant even remember whats been happening lately." he has headaches constantly and hasnt written in weeks 

he starts chain smoking on her couch (AN: interesting choice sldjfsdkfjdsfls)

she gets back and is upset about this (the smell and he used like all of her cigs)

→ a) he realizes he cant really feel remorse over this (only intellectually he understands it and goes outside)

-> b) he's confused to see her refuse a cig from him. okay bea thats new what are you pulling here

in her office, bea (feeling like she has adopted a stray dog) chews gum while reading a terrified letter from quincy who is about to move 

(AN maybe anachronistic that bea would try to quit smoking at this time?? im not sure.)

(Also - not sure if this ever came up explicitly, but in our production, Beatrix is the one who first offered Vincent the occasional smoke back in the day, and instead of ever buying any he mostly grubbed them off her (which you can maybe see at the beginning of little more in love). During the course of canon events he gets more addicted - and if i remember correctly, he also started going through withdrawal at some point, but I dont remember why he quit - I think because he stopped seeing Bea around so he kind of just stopped?? - if anything I guess it's symbolic of Bea kind of setting him up to murder and then disappearing from his life for months. The cigarettes weren't actually in the original script at all.)

vincent paces then goes to the drugstore

while hes there he uses the restroom to stare into his eye hole yada yada

(prior to going to restroom hes dubious about entering mens but its single stall anyway)

buys like a shit ton of cigarettes and pain medicine (which was probably like coke back then idk) and also candy

(cigs are for beatrix because he just wants to be loved…)

Phaethon did not give him any money at all by the way. Maybe this is the part where he should go huh I need a job even if I can't be a doctor

IDK where to put this but also - at some point Vincent finds a horrifying drawing of Quincy killing him, and Bea is like you obviously drew that look at it it's in your style. and he can't remember drawing it but not that he looks around he sees he's actually been drawing little pieces of it everywhere

Beatrix's apology

*giant overwrought Beatrix speech here*

V: (trying to be normal about it) i uh i did try to kill you

B: (also playing cool) yeah sure, so did my dad, join the club 

V: sorry?

B: the point is, lin, you were having an episode, and instead of helping you see that i pretty much handed you a bat, spun you around a couple times, and sent you on your merry way 

(shaky breath, beat- V feels weird about being described so passively)

Anecdote I wrote last year that I genuinely don't understand anymore OTL

Vincent likes to read possibly?

B: you can read?!

V: (swallows a lump… then sarcastically) oh yeah quincy finally taught me how

(^^^ realize they always bitch at each other by default - he wonders if she would be nicer if he was nicer but probably not)

^^^^^ the book sucks anyway shes like ok go to the bookstore CUE QUINCY

(“ok read your own fucking book” “i can’t” “why” “i burned them”)

AN: like QUINCY WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT jdslkfjdsf who is that what's happening what's going ON

...I think it's Beatrix actually? idk man idk

but OMG im suddenly obsessed with the idea that this is all a bunch of absolutely insane buildup to an exes-to-lovers vincent coffee shop / quincy bookstore au dlskfjdslkfjdslkjfsjfjdsklfsdf

BONUS NOTES

V’s lack of empathy - i think he cant understand other peoples feelings very well? He definitely at the least has to imagine them through incidents in his own life to picture how they feel 

People pleasing … & possibly its conflict with the above 

Bring back suave vincent :(  (AN: I failed)

Masculinity problems…? 

Realization that all of his rapports (ie with ambrose and beatrix) are facetious and aggressive. And also baggage with quincy accidentally dissing him all the time. Who will be nice to him :( 

Maybe this: 

V: "i think i might be autistic"

B: "i dont think youre autistic i think youre a sociopath"

V: "i think i might be both"

^^^^ except thats also pretty anachronistic and kind of silly but i do what i want

ambrose ghost was a representation of his hyperfixation on murder (AN: absolutely insane take. what the fuck)

he probably gets lost in drawing now if he can stomach doing anything

accidental psychiatrist beatrix bc shes really good at cracking people open 

themes:

breakup 

realization that quincy didnt value him while he was innocent which fucked the relationship but V has trouble justifying it bc now he cant value himself 

difficulty feeling remorse for what he did 

→ realize you arent accountable for how you feel just for what you do 

can you love someone without empathy? (yes)

(stems from asking if q was ever in danger of murder -- obviously not!)

realization that v is actually good at something (art) 

Respectability politics - beatrix is trying to make girls/latinas look good. vincent is still in the headspace that hes inferior but starts to think about how frosh vinc would have felt about him now (AN i dont know what i meant by this ldjsf)

becoming ambrose was in a way his idea of proving himself in the world. being gnc and failing his classes was just bc he couldnt "do better" 

RECURRING: pulls open his eyelids and tries to see into his brain through the hole 

addiction (AN: thats it thats all i said its the word "addiction" sljdkfdslkf. I can only assume because for a while i had an interpretation of vincent as becoming an adrenaline junkie after his first murder - plus then bea got him addicted to cigs and murder)

other char breakthroughs 

Bea - yo vincent actually did some fucked up shit

Quincy - living with yourself. realizing you can never reconcile with some people. 

Portia - hold on… Bea actually did some fucked up shit...

(sorry this is MASSIVE i thought it would be like 7 bullets)

AND ON THAT NOTE.... Yeah that's what the fic was going to be about. Hope that was fun??? And shoutout to @ceaslesswatcherwhatistboyswag for asking about the abandoned fic and inadvertently prompting this whole post :P

Also. by god please do not take any of this as canon or word of god (except perhaps the newspaper thing...) i beg of you... these are just the post-show ramblings of a man newly deprived of the ability to spend 5 hours a week pretending to be a fruity little murderer. very fun diving back into that time to compile this though 🫀

[honeyed-latte]

Fucked Up Pom Lore:

Totally up to yall if you read this, you have been warned, this WILL have emotional whump and it WILL handle very polarizing, kind of gross topics. Pom is an OC close to my heart now BECAUSE of the touchy subjects in her lore.

Its long as hell bc Im a yapper.

Due to how Tumblr works their blacklisting, I wont be censoring the words for the safety of those who have them blacklisted!

So, TW: Manipulation

TW: Religious Trauma

TW: Emotional Whump

TW: Accidental Incest (mentioned, no details)

TW: Suicidal Ideation

TW: Unreliable Narrator

TW: Emotional Cheating

Pom was aware of her family dynamic, Valka never hid that she had a very alive father and brother, but much like her mother Pom was of a mind that Berk was hostile toward dragons— unacceptable.

Thus, Stoick and Hiccup were unworthy of Poms consideration, let alone unworthy of meeting her at all. She is a dragon, they don't like dragons, it's simple math.

But thats not to say she didn't love them as fiercely as she was able, built by Valkas tales of her father and all the sweet stories of her brother. Her mother says the Gods have bigger plans for the women of their family.

—

Hiccup, during his year on Dragons Edge, prone to his love for cartography and adventure, finds himself on a unusually lush island to the north-east of Dragons Edge. It just barely skirts the Dragon Hunters typical stomping grounds and its a beauty.

He fully intends to map it, to scout it's dragon population and maybe make a few friends in the process. He's not fully aware he's being stalked by a human until he's a full day into his work and Toothless's prickly attitude tips him off.

The issue is he can't find them, he can't see anyone at all...

He decides to stay a few days, three maybe, just to get the full island and so far the presence isn't malicious, even Toothless's attitude mellows after the first day.

On the third and final day after waking earlier then usual, he finally manages to spot the person he theorized was stalking him. A young girl, around his age, bathing in the spring at the center of the island. The dragons milling around don't seem threatened or perturbed at all by her as she unobtrusively splashes her unruly, long hair and even with Toothless nudging him judgementally- Hiccup is a teenage boy, he is not immune to a pretty girl naked dripping in water.

He stares. Hard.

He does more then stare, fumbles out a journal and draws the seemingly feral girl. Splashing the water, grinning at the Wooly Howll that slapped her back with it's tail, and when she pulls herself out to dry on the rocks- spread out like a content dragon in the morning light.

She's braiding flowers into her red hair when he cracks a twig and she catches his eyes, a mirror of green. Hiccup runs, because he doesnt really know what else to do?

But he doesn't feel eyes on him for the rest of the day, he feels horribly guilty and creepy for looking and then drawing her, but she was strange and pretty and he's just a man???

He sleeps uneasy and wakes to a familiar flower tucked into his pauldron. Its more charming then alarming.

—

Poms never seen a man up close, Valka does any sort of battle needed with Hunters, and Queen Mala always meets them alone. So seeing the Howl Island suddenly have a stand alone man on it is....weird and exciting, his dragon is even more interesting- a Night Fury, probably the last one alive, what a find.

So she watches, and follows, and learns. His dragon, Toothless, welcomes her at their fire when his man sleeps, they talk. Toothless is a great conversationalist but she attributes that to his rider who also seems chatty.

It's less insulting or terrifying that he snuck up on her while she bathed, if he'd tried to hurt her SunBurn would have crisped him like a fish. But he didnt. So his fear seemed a bit of an overreaction....

So she tried to soothe any worry, putting a little Viking Pom in his armour as he slept, Toothless's wary eyes on her all the while.

—

Duties drag him home but he comes back swiftly, curious and perhaps a bit more.

He spends two weeks on that little island building tenuous trust with the feral girl, watching her free fall and fly with the Typhoomerang that had watched over her that morning, racing them, watching her bond with Toothless, he spends four days convinced she cant speak and doesnt understand him but he talks anyway.

She speaks, a rigid and proper way in fact with the most odd resonance, and tells him he's the only man she's ever seen. So he tells her stories, shows her maps, lets her put flower crowns around his head and stems tied to his fingers like rings.

Like they've known one another forever, he learns about her too. She learned her vocabulary from books, she lives with her mother, she isn't from this island and is only here to help the baby dragons, she was raised with dragons, the scar on her shoulder was from an injured Gronkle she saved.

It feels like a lifetime, just them. They just get one another effortlessly.

Other things take place as well, intimate things, often actually, and Hiccup only realizes they never exchanged names when he's hugging her goodbye for the final time. It feels right to not know, they'll never see eachother again after they part, if he knows he'll want to find her when the war is over- he can't do that. So they remain "Sunhair", what the dragons call her (apparently), and "Man".

Meeting her again two years later, as his mother (his mom!) drags him into a smaller rotunda of ice inside the Alpha's Sanctuary is not the meeting he had hoped for. Neither is he as elated by the acquisition of a sister as he was by his mother.

Valka doesnt ask, Pom doesn't tell, Hiccup ignores the disgust and dread in favour of battle and newfound family- then Stoick dies.

Its all a mess after that. He's Chief and his family was halved yet again, and the one person in the world who he felt was his truest equal is his sister because of course she is, that makes sense doesn't it?

The sudden fraternal feelings war with the memory of a girl he felt he could have loved under different circumstances, he figures Pom feels the same.

She's closer with Eret then him, and he tries not to be jealous about it, but he can't blame her when he can't even meet her eyes somedays.

Is it better if Eret is the brother she wishes for or the lover she can actually attain? Hiccup can't be either of those things.

—

Eret is Pom's bestfriend, only friend really, they're both outsiders watched warily by Berkians and especially Hiccup's friends.

He almost is like a brother, a proper one, one that doesn't stay from her like she's diseased or look pale when she hugs him.

Hiccup doesn't turn her away, he even welcomes her into his home as he did with Valka, but he doesn't seek her out unless he's truly troubled.

Astrid is another hurdle entirely, Pom doesn't like her. She's insubordinate, doesn't show the Queen of her nest respect even though she's to be his wife (thats something Pom avoids thinking about), she is meant to be a pillar of strength and confidence as Hiccup's mate where all can find comfort and instead she hurts them physically or insults them verbally.

Human rules are perturbing, Astrid is allowed all of this and even excused it because..."reasons". In a nest, a real one, Pom would have made her dislike known and they would battle until one perished or was exiled in their failure.

Humans aren't dragons.

So she has to pretend to like the girl to "keep peace" and swallow back all the manners she learned from her people for the sake of her brother.

Her brother.

The brother that won't look in her eyes and won't break fast with her most days, the one that doesn't touch her unless she closes the distance and jumps away as if they're filthy if someone so much as glances them touching hands.

Its all a big joke of Loki's most likely or the Gods are punishing them, its likely her fault. She should have asked his name two years ago.

She debates leaving often, only soothed by Valka's frustration and Erets fretting, she would see herself away from this Tribe thats not hers and a brother that isn't a brother any more then Stoick was her father, she would stay in the Sanctuary like she always did.

--Or perhaps drop into the sea, allow SunBurn to stay safe among a nest with the Alpha.

Pom dreams of death more then she does leaving, more then she dreams of Hiccups hands, more then she has nightmares of Stoicks body and Dragos army and the fury burning in Hiccups eyes.

If she were to die then Hiccup's conscience would be freed and cleared, he'd not worry of others learning the shame he has, Berk would lose nothing and neither would her Dragons. Valka would mourn, surely Eret as well, but they're safe and they're whole and thats what matters. Hiccup, as a Chief and Queen, would rule stronger if she weren't in his shadow.

—

Hiccup disagree's with Pom's feelings even if he doesn't know them.

In fact its an ongoing source of night terrors; Pom leaving, Pom taking the plasma blast that killed his dad (she had actually tried to, and that doesnt help the nightmares), never having found her at all.

He's conflicted before anything else, they both seem to agree not to mention it but he suspects Valka knows, somedays he thinks Eret and Astrid might as well.

Astrid doesn't know and she never will if he has any say, his and Pom's tryst predated their relationship and in a normal circumstance he still wouldn't have told her, it would just be undue pressure.

Its stressful all the time, only finding reprieve in ale and in the early hours of the morning. It was an accident, it hasn't occured since, now that they know who the other is it'll never happen again. That's good, no sacrilegious temptations, except that he feels just as discontent with the idea that they'll never have that connection back as he is with the knowledge that it happened at all.

Loving her and being in love with her both feel damning, but its there all the same.

What a horrific joke this all turned into.

[i-did-not-mean-to]

All aboard

Here, friends, have a very meta little ficlet.

Husband and I plan on going on a little trip this week. This story has been read and ratified by him. He says it's very accurate. LOL

Words: 1381

Characters: I, husband, ALL the blorbos

Prompt: Road Trip

Warnings: Meta, first person

I wake up 10 minutes before my alarm, startled and confused because Finrod Felagund is perched on my headrest like a cat, strumming his harp.

Attracted by the disjointed tune, Maglor starts singing “Morning has broken” at the top of his lungs before his mother comes to drag him away by the braid. Nerdanel has, of course, been awake for hours already, making sure her progeny is ready to travel.

Brushed and braided, the infamous sons of Fëanor are scrubbed clean and wearing holes into my carpet by pacing through the room impatiently.

My husband groans and swats away Asfaloth’s attempts at rousing him.

“Shower?” he asks groggily and I acquiesce, all but running to the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. Not for a second do I believe that locks and bolts would keep my imaginary guests from intruding, but I hope that they’ll respect my privacy, nonetheless.

“You’ll take us, right?” Ulmo asks from the warm spray chasing away my fatigue. “We are good. We won’t make any trouble.”

“You,” I reply sharply, “can make it there on your own. There is plenty of water and air where we go!”

Sniffing, indignant and clearly vexed, he withdraws.

Thus refreshed, I exit my bubble of relative peace to do a quick headcount that quickly devolves into a pounding headache instead.

“We’re ready!” Elrond promises, waving a hand at those under his care. So far, so good, I think—with the exception of Glorfindel insisting on bringing his horse, Imladris seems to have its shit together.

Sandwiches have been packed and his infamous mother-in-law is sitting on a huge crate that is suspiciously labelled “travel provisions”.

“Is there a weight limit? How much space do you have in your trunk?” Nerdanel asks in a tense voice. “My husband, bless his heart, is loath to leave his forging equipment behind. Moreover, the boys…”

I cock a dubitative eyebrow at her. Her sons are hardly children anymore, but I can almost guess how their proclivities would interfere with an extensive road trip.

I drive an SUV—a big, boxy, black car that at least theoretically should allow for some follies.

“Nelyo won’t leave without Fingon…” she adds sheepishly. “Also…Tyelko’s dog, Káno’s instruments…at least Moryo and Curvo have agreed to share a suitcase for their books.”

Knowing that it’s a vain endeavour, I don’t even ask if all of this is strictly necessary.

I love them just the way they are; there is nothing wrong with them or with me.

I repeat those words like a mantra as I stare blankly at Nerdanel’s tired face, sporting an ever so slightly forced-looking smile—the encouraging mien of a mother knowing full well that the worst is yet to come.

Giving up on that part of my inescapable company, I shiver and turn to darkness and evil personified.

“Ready!” Mairon assures me, brandishing his checklist triumphantly. He is dressed soberly and might be allowed to be seen by others—his companions…not so much. 

Melkor, inspired by too much reality TV, has donned oversized sunglasses and a silk turban to keep his hair from frizzing in the constant stream of cold air blowing out of the AC, while Gothmog is wearing a floppy straw hat that does nothing to obscure his identity. The shiny horns and the aura of pure flame are wont to give him away and I am beyond thankful that nobody else can see him.

That, as well, is a problem for a later moment, I decide and turn to the dwarven faction to explain as gently as possible that pots, pans, flutes, and weapons are less than ideal hand luggage.

As expected, this goes over like a lead balloon.

Moreover, Thranduil has decided that he and his people will join us after all—nevertheless, he demands to be allowed to travel in the passenger seat, for privacy and to be as far away from the dwarves as possible in a restricted and closed space, and my husband shakes his head vehemently.

“I won’t have one of them on my lap,” he declares cuttingly. “Stuff them all in the trunk, with their tools and toys.”

Uproar. Outrage. Screaming in various languages. Curses upon my in-laws down to the first ancestor to have ever walked this earth—I merely smirk.

“Of course,” someone whines, “nobody wants to take me.”

Whirling around, I glimpse Túrin, his lower lip sticking out a little, his arms crossed above his chest petulantly.

The humans, I think frantically, and my mind goes blank.

“We’re ready to travel light,” Boromir promises, securing his bedroll and his pack as we speak and giving me an encouraging smile. “Gondor can set out.”

“I don’t trust the iron horse!” Éomer mutters, evidently much less inclined to just throw himself into my car without having checked the mysterious vehicle vigorously for loose shoes and bad teeth.

By this time, the Valar—immortal and indestructible as they are—have agreed that they’d survey the lay of the land from the roof of my trusty metal steed rather than be confined with a bunch of unruly children.

The thought of having to wipe away incessant rain as well as bird droppings throughout the whole voyage dismays me, but I take every win I can get and don’t demure.

“The good boy can come sit with me,” my husband declares, thankfully mollified by my obvious distress, at the sight of Huan wagging his tail eagerly.

“You’ll have to take Tyelko as well—the tall blonde with the hunting knives—and, come to think of it, how about balancing Curufin on your other leg?” I jump on that tiny concession eagerly, my eyes pleading and my lips quivering pitifully.

“Will they sing the whole time?” he asks sharply and I shrug, unwilling to admit that—most probably—they will indeed.

We start the elaborate game of Blorbo-Tetris, doing our best to separate those who love each other too well or too little in an attempt to preemptively extinguish potential fires that might otherwise ruin the start of our trip.

“At least…” he starts and then retreats as Thingol and Melian, followed by their retinue, draw up to the car, eyes narrowed in disdain. They do not appreciate the fact that they had almost been left behind—again.

“Mablung,” my husband—love of my life, light of my days—sniggers, much to the dismay of the dignified elf who is not used to being hailed in so derisive a fashion.

My car now feels so full that I have no doubt it is positively bulging, but we’ve finally made it onto the road.

My beloved spouse keeps his hand firmly clasped above the button that would turn the radio on, enduring the moaning and complaining with perfect equanimity.

The smell of various, impossibly fragrant foodstuffs being unpacked and the sound of enthusiastic chewing start to pervade the air—I open a window and shoot an apologetic look at my most cherished companion.

Discordant humming and vocalizing are interrupted periodically by raucous laughter and the odd brawl in the backseat; I throw myself onto the highway, wishing it was oncoming traffic.

All the while, my phone keeps chiming softly—Discord is letting me know that my friends are alive and well, and I smile through the agonizing migraine as discussions of wedding customs arise and are hotly debated.

Many of my obstinate and obnoxious travel companions are legacies from those people across the world I love so dearly and I owe it to them not to toss their cherished characters into the nearest gas station bin, no matter how insane they’ll eventually drive me.

At least, thank Eru the One, everyone is still dressed and decent and no deadly weapons have been deployed or old grudges dredged up to be settled within this merely leased vehicle—it would be quite a feat to explain away the huge bloodstains and deep gouges to my annoying garage.

A warm, comforting hand finds mine and I avert my eyes from the road for a millisecond to grin lopsidedly at my husband.

“Did you absolutely have to bring all of them?” he asks under his breath.

My shoulders twitch as I sigh shudderingly. “I love them,” I confess, “and wherever I go, they go.”

@fellowshipofthefics have a silly one!

Lots of love from me, I hope this little slice of my life could amuse you!

[raw-law]

Pride months over (unfortunately), and ill be back in school by the end of july.. I HATE HIGH SCHOOL T-T

Im a smart kid according to what my other classmates say and they think i just get by easily (I DONT). I hate our school system so much i even considered my career in the department of education ^_^

Every single day i wake up at around 4 ish, i dont even set an alarm anymore because my eyes just automatically open around those times since i got used to doing all the time. My house is pretty far from school and bc the road is kind of narrow, traffic jams happen alllll the time so i had to leave early too. Did i mention how HOT it in our country, like regardless if its summer or not it feels as if you're a rotisserie chicken in a microwave. There were at least 13 or 15 students who fainted due to heat stroke and im one of them. One of the guys in my class were playing basketball and fainted during a match bc of heat stroke, when he woke up they still made him play :// we have to arrive at school before 6:40am, the gate closes after.. no, we dont have school buses for some reason. Everyday the teachers expect us to know every lesson so we would get to do quizzes right after the lecture. We have 10 subjects in total and everyday we have homework. Every two weeks we have exams. After those exams we get back to the lectures but we have projects that are due right before exams, we have 1 project per subject but nc we have to finish it before exams, that'll be 2 weeks. So 10 projects done in 2 weeks, along with homework. School ends at around 4pm but since i live a bit far + traffic, i arrive home at 6. I do chores for an hour and i have to eat dinner so i finish at 8 ish. I have to do my projects and homework for 4 hours which is barely enough time (i make up for it during lunch break so i tend to forget to eat which leads to me not understanding the very short lessons the teachers give). For 1 hour i study my current lessons and if i have time i advance study future lessons. I go to sleep at 1am. Once a month, our class gets an earful by teachers because we dont finish our tasks and we'll eventually fail. Aughshhhhhhhh Ill have to repeat this cycle for a couple more years but i genuinely hope theres a better school out there that ill like that wont treat me like garbage.

Anyways, Light, L, if you guys put yourselves in my shoes, do you think you would survive a whole year studying in my school?

L:

honestly, that sounds a lot like the experiences i've had with the educational system, save for the part about heatstrokes. (that sounds... highly concerning...)

i ended up attending a college preparatory school after passing the qualifications needed to get in. seems very similar to the circumstances you seem to be facing. waking up at 4 a.m., getting home two hours late because of traffic, taking quizzes right after lectures and overall just being expected to stay at the top of everything. very hellish overall, and that's only school. that's not even taking account the rest of life's cruelty.

i was lucky to make it out with a 4.0 last year, but it came at the cost of.. well. revolving life around academia and nothing else.

so, to answer your question, i do think i'd survive since i know what it's like to be in your shoes. you're definitely not alone in this suffering. however, since i understand said suffering, i would never willingly go through another version of it unless i was gaining something incredibly worthwhile, and i'm also deeply sorry that you have to experience such a horrid system at all.. good luck, soldier.

Light:

Well, actually, our school system here is rather notorious for producing gifted burnout kids, though we did score first for Math, Science and English in some standardised test whose name I can't remember.

It's hard, honestly. We're expected to plan school events and study and organise things among our classes and participate in school clubs and take third language classes. And since our school is the top school in my country we're learning things that normally we'd only learn 2 years later. At least, that's been my experience. And I know classmates who can't take the stress and have breakdowns one day, or who go to the toilet and cry because their A1 grade isn't a 'high enough A1). This is my second year in this school, and for the first I've been lucky enough to maintain the highest grades for all my subjects, but this year it's getting harder and the only way I'm getting through it is by studying.

You're definitely not alone. Hopefully it'll come as more of a comfort if you know we're all in this together. You can do it! And good luck, we're always here for you if you need it.

[tensetactics]

So over the course of this year I think I have achieved my wee teenage hearts twisted desire of developing insomnia. Its not diagnosed but ever since I left my night job back in July I started fucking with my sleep schedule its not unusual that I'll find myself up all night, either tossing and turning or on my phone.

Maybe it its not insomnia but something else. I mean I do use my phone a lot and its not like I keep normal or consistent wake up hours anyway. Sometimes i get in 2-6 Hours. Sometimes its like 10-12 (usually on my days off sometimesI just crash right after work but usually on days off). Yea maybe its not insomnia. I mean, I can take afternoon naps now, which I didnt do before the "insomnia". However now when I need to go to bed to even get the recommended 6-7 hours before work I usually have to put on white noise or a fan and then I sleep so heavily that I sleep through my alarms, sometimes all of them('-_-). Maybe my Circadian rhythm is just broken.

Anyway. I honestly can't sleep. And I wont get anysleep before I go into work today. So thats awesome. Coffee or a black tea it is I guess.

My body doesnt particularly feel different the next day. Not even sluggish or stiff. But my veins ache all over in random spots like I've hung my limbs over the side of the bed and are only calling them in close once I feel a chill.

So I'm sure thats good for me.

But I'm more confident that has more to do with the fact I'm consuming a lot less red meat these days (not entirely by choice. I would love a steak, or a meatloaf thats not drenched in grease, but usually I don't get options)

ANYWAY

The not sleeping thing is. Amazing great awesome. Why couldn't teenage me romanticise something like recreational pot usage or healthy boundries? Because at this rate this new ☆ f e a t u r e ☆ of my adult life just feels like yet another way to repell other people and productive habits and lifestyles.

Ugh I suppose I'll forgive them they didnt know any better. Poor fool.

[the-elevator-twins]

>[It takes a bit of wandering, but you come across the glitchy, whited out silhouettes again. With the addition of a half-formed silhouette of what looks to be that odd monster form of yourself and a barely visible form of someone else, being torn to shreds by you.]

>[But just as before, you hear the distorted laughter]

"Hmmm, you're awfully brave to be back out here again, Experiment 1. What gave you the confidence to risk your life like this, mmm?"

>[It's laughing at you. Taunting you.]

"Those are some awfully scary scissors! Hope you aren't gonna try something stupid! I liked you! You got along with my pet. He rarely gets along with people."

"Maybe I should have kept you pure. Untouched. Prevented that other creature from tainting you."

>[It cackles, it's body shifting. It truly looks like a monster, alarm bells in your mind telling you this isn't like the other things you'd seen here.]

"But hey, there's always second tries! Maybe you're just flawed."

>[Before you can speak, the void seems to grab onto you, spiderlike legs latching onto you, piercing your flesh and tearing you into several pieces, as the anon looks at you with his many eyes. Agony. It's all you feel, all you know, being rended into slices of meat as this moment is torn away from you.]

"Experiment 1... failure. I had so much hope too."

>[And the next thing you know, you're walking home, with no recollection of anything that had happened. You found another monster! And now you're carrying it's flesh home to your brother to feed him.]

>[Hopefully he wakes up before he's human again, then all your efforts would be pretty much wasted.]

(î) > You were out here for a reason, To confront that bastard who's been tormenting you and your brother. It's gotten to the point that you don't even want to keep up this charade anymore. You've grown tired of dying for someone's sick kicks.

(î) > It's hypocritical, really.

> "Come on out here, you freak!"

(î) > It's silent for a moment, only for that obnoxious laughter to invade your ears. Turning, you can only look at the other before a twitch in your eye makes you sigh all pissed off. It asks you why you're here, it's challenging you.

> "You think you're slick, dont'cha pal? Shut up and listen. I know I'm just another version of him, a fake, but I wont hesitate to protect him from freaks like you. You got that?"

(î) > It's sneering demeanor only pisses you off some more. Just get a piece of it and leave, you thought to yourself, but all it takes is one moment to see it shift into some eldritch horror. The fight or flight response kicks in, and you take one step back.

(î) > A miscalculation on your part.

(î) > You don't even have time to react, other than scream in agony and struggle initially, only for your consciousness to fade momentarily. You don't even realize that you were torn to bits, or how you got here.

. . .

> "He has to eat. He has to eat something from out here. Ugh, this is so frustrating!!" > ". . . Let's just go home already. This is pointless."

(î) > You return back to your dwelling, empty handed, and slightly defeated.

[momiamtired]

dear god, why do you hate me? what have i done? i never asked for a lot. i dont want to be rich or famous i just want to be happy. i just want to have my closesr friends around me and a botfriend and a child and a secure work. i just wish a happy life. why do i need to go through this. why do you hate me? i just was born in a wrong place. why me? of all people why me? i hate this town. i never slept more than 5 hours these 3 days. i wake up at 2 am with an alarm that soon will make my heart stop just to play with my friend because we have huge time difference. thats the only thing that gives me happiness. everything else is rather anger or sadness. im not exaturating. im not a whiny teenager. i want to kill myself. and only because of fucking hope that every day gets ruined i am still standing and sitting on my disgustingly uncomfortable anti suicidal chair and write this in hopes to get better. i only have 4 hours of sleep left, thanks emily. i have finals soon and i still never realised it so good luck to me. i dont really know why am i still alive. i really wish i didnt have things i would be regretting to lose or just i dont want them to be sad. my friend, my dad that is going to be shamefull of my death and regreting how much money he spend on me, my mom, maybe my brother, my relatives which im afraid the most becuase since childhood im afraid of being told to them that i am a failuer, my cat, my hopes that everything will become better. thats all that stoping me and tbh im not sure how long will i manage. no its like i dont even have a choice. if i will die many bad things will happen and i dont even have a cnhoice to unalive myself because even after my death something bad wiill happen. im just amazed thats its jkust getting ridiciuluose. tbh if i will get raped or i will lose my phone or someone will stab me with a knife i wont be surprised im not exadurating im tired of people telling things that are not true i turly feel that if something as bad as that will happen to me i wont be surprised. i hate this town im afraid to walk on streets here im tired of me not knowing english im tired to say things im tired of. its like its just a situation where u are getti ng happiness only from 3 max source and its playing online games with ur friends( u have to not sleep at all and then go to studying while having undiagnosed adhd and just getting emberessed after sleeping on lessons), tiktok which more often gives me strong negative depr4essive emotions like any social media would, and other internet stuff that can give me positive emotions only really rarely and if i willf find something and only if my roommate is not hope and she didnt left homne in like 2 weeks. i dont want to sleep at all and im tired god oh how im tired how ianything that makees this things happen to me oh how i wish he would be suffering eternaly oh how i wish you cant imagen how much i hate my life how everyday get into awful situtions or things all the time and i dont even have a choice its like im a clown or a puppet somebody watches and experiments and laughs. i wish i could be dead tbh god idc anymore just fucking kill me already i dont care at this point i know u wont make my life easier just kill me im tired of crying and anger

[bishiglomper]

Cannot sleeeeeep. Have to w h i i i i n e

Woke up to stabbies. Been getting these electrical stabs the last couple weeks. Figure its fibro. I dont see why it would be my new pill. But my body picks a spot and then it feels like im being STUNG. REPEATEDLY. Tonight its the opposite spot of my scar's location.

And i hear beeping. I think its bro's alarm. He does not wake up easily. If i tell him to turn it off, he will and go back to sleep.

And the nephew keeps turning on the hallway light.

And I'm obsessing over a niece issue.

Bong water has not been using a litterbox. They're upstairs, i think she just isn't going upstairs anymore.

Conversation with niece went like:

"I picked up 2 piles of poop from bong water last night."

"You can take her back to my apartment whenever you want"

"Are you going to be there?"

"Nope."

"If i bring a litterbox down, will you help me clean it?"

"I dont do the litterbox at MY house."

Bitch. You do not deserve a fucking cat. Or any pet. She killed her rats from neglect.

If i wasnt so against returning poor helpless furbabies to the shelter for insignificant reasons...........

But also we already have FOUR CATS. We were supposed to stop at Cinderbelle. But then Pantera, Pooka and Reno happened....

We cannot own another cat. It's already been a month. If the landlord notices... 😣 We've babysat other animals before but like i said its been a month. Niece doesnt seem to have plans for leaving either. I guess shes fine paying rent for an empty house and just sleeping on our couch forever. If we kick her out, she'll just couch surf. At least her boyfriend is in jail.....ffs

I barely have the executive function to clean MY cats litterboxes, and they're right outside my door. For just this purpose. I'm not gonna be able to do a downstairs one. I cannot tote the container of litter between flights. Just. No.

I dont think i can tell her friend (original owner of bw) to take her because she lives with a toxic af mother and i dont think the situation is safe.

SO, WHAT DO D:

Also the house is so bad. Made worse by now cat shit all over the place. But everyone is really struggling physically, and between the house and our own bodies, our mental health is fucked up too.

Moms stomach is fucked. She does not want to eat. She does. She resorts to junk food when she gets hungry but i cant complain because she wont let us feed her otherwise.

And sissy fucked up her back. I dont know what all shes doing for it but shes done muscle relaxants, back brace and tens unit occassionally. She refuses a heating pad for some reason.

Lately my symptoms are fibro shit, stomach pain, asthma, a strained/tired back, and tachycardia. The tachicardia is the worst because it kicks up when I get up. And eat. It settles down when i rest. Also the asthma. Just going up/down the stairs makes me do this dry throat clearing kind of cough for the next 10 minutes after the tiniest pinch of exertion. And I've woken up gasping a few nights.

Those two need to see some fuckin doctors. Mine can't do anything for me, but at least I jump through those fuckin hoops. I see everyone. All the specialists. I'm trying my best here. I have some major flaws that im sure frustrate the family, but this irritates me that they won't see people.

Mom especially. The only appointments she has are for literal surgical consults and she flaked on ONE situation already. Next one is for somethig else. No idea if she'll ever do anything about her previous issue she needs fixed 🙄😤

And also my sister is going blind and has high blood pressure but won't take her medicine. Her reasoning is because then she'll have to order more and go through setting it up and shit. Executive function issues i guess. Mom has been setting it up and giving it to her but i never remember and sometimes she forgets too.

Like do you know how many pills i take to have some semblance of function and not die? This is also frustrating to see.

I don't know what to do about any of this.

If we got rid of the cat, the niece would disown us. Which honestly, if she werent already riding a fine line of unsafe i wouldn't mind so much, she'd get over it eventually. Once she had the maturity to. 🙄 Because it's not like it would be out of spite. But sissy is on eggshells making sure we dont push her away. Probably into the arms of another halfway house resident. 😒

Uuuhhgggg