#or can you maybe think critically and ask yourself why they exist and what they're fighting for | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

metanarrates · 7 months ago

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u are making me want to reread so i can talk about it with you. book club! anyway i havent read them since i was like. 17 maybe?? but i would love to hear more of your thoughts. unfortunately i dont have any specific questions due to not remembering that much. wait thoughts on the ending of the games scene. lets kill ourselves together scene

yes you should! my dms are open for you. I love to chat about what im reading 😄😄😄

i already talked in another ask about how the spectre of survivor's guilt made that scene work for me on an emotional level even though I don't buy the romance, but let's talk about how the other stakes of this scene unfortunately make no goddamn sense. (this is a trend in my problems with the hunger games. the stakes are weirdly defined and inconsistent on both logical and symbolic levels.)

the capitol audience does not behave as reality tv audiences irl do. ive talked before about this, and I'll say it again - no reality tv audience would ever willingly want to watch the days long peeta/katniss cave segment livestream. if we are meant to believe that this is an audience who thrives on bloodshed and drama, we need to see that constantly putting pressure on the characters. it does not work well as a story about being forced into behaving as entertainment if the characters only occasionally feel the pressure to be entertaining. the entire structure of the story needs to be different if we are to believe that this is a livestream that a lot of people (many of whom are Sickos) are watching.

with that in mind, let's lay down the things that the story needs you to believe in order for this scene to work:

the reality TV audience is fine, or fine enough, with the gamemakers changing the rules of the games back last-minute to prevent two victors from winning. they at least do not storm the gamemakers studio about it.

a victor needs to exist, so much so that the absence of one could get the gamemakers killed

the audience would NOT like to see a lover's double suicide at the climax of the games

rejecting the need for a victor and dying by suicide instead translates into a meaningful and political rebellion against the capitol

the audience agrees, or agrees enough, that it's fine to change the rules back to allow two victors.

none of these feel earned to me. any TV watcher worth their salt will tell you that it's universally hated when a show changes its rules arbitrarily for the sake of dramatic tension. this would work if the point of this was that the capitol was willing to sacrifice viewer satisfaction to retain control over the games, but...

that argument is reliant on the assumption that the capitol needs a victor. and why does it? the purpose of these games is to be violent entertainment and propaganda to show the futility of resistance. katniss even says in an earlier chapter that there have been games with no victor because everybody died. there's been very little establishment of why the capitol might find a victor necessary. i can speculate, but ultimately the novel doesn't really establish the victors as serving a critical purpose to the system of the games. they don't even say explicitly that a victor is necessary until this veey scene. the cruelty is the point of the games. and being forced to kill yourself is cruel. so...

I have no idea why an audience would hate a double suicide here. if they're consuming the games as violent entertainment, they should LOVE that shit! its dramatic! its great tv! ratings should be through the roof! what an amazing tragedy! this is the height of the capitol forcing people to participate in cruelty! therefore...

I straight up do not understand the notion that this constitutes meaningful rebellion in any way. sure, its a refusal to allow the expected outcome of a single victor to occur, but I did outline how I don't think the capitol has any logical reason to object to the double suicide. even if you parse it as resistance, why does it matter if they're both dead? this should instead show everyone that resisting only leads to death. which is the point of the games.

and is the audience cruel or not? are they okay with a "kill or be killed" scenario or are they rooting for peeta & katniss so badly that they would cheer for a deus ex machina to save them? i just don't get it. it doesn't make sense to me.

so yeah the scene just feels silly and contrived at the end of this

#narrates #hunger games blogging #baffling scene to me. when the guy changed the rules i was like BAD TV. THE CONSTELLATIONS WOULD COMPLAIN #i don't get why double suicide wouldn't serve their purposes...

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mental-mona · 1 year ago

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Legit criticism of Israel vs. antisemitism: questions to ask yourself

What is antisemitism? | IHRA (holocaustremembrance.com) Let's start here. Does whatever you're saying, writing, or drawing go against the basic definition laid out here, or clearly fall into one of the examples given? If it does, you should almost certainly rethink your statement completely; even though this definition isn't legally binding, it's still a pretty darn good metric.

If you replace the word "Zionists/Israelis" in your statement with "Jews," does it sound antisemitic? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck, even if it's wearing a dog costume. Your statement is antisemitic; please rethink it and probably also your general attitude.

Are you questioning Israel's right to exist? Sorry, antisemitic again, except maybe if you also question the rights of other religious and/or ethnic groups to their homelands. Jews have an archaeologically confirmed, continuous history in Israel going back 3000 years; they're not some random colonial upstarts. If you want to see former Soviet countries each stay independent and/or Tibet and Taiwan gain freedom from China, you don't get to turn around and claim that specifically Jews aren't allowed to have a homeland.

Are you implying that all Jews are responsible for things happening in Israel? If so, this is antisemitic. Diaspora Jews don't have much if any influence over Israeli politics, and plenty of them disagree with various Israeli policies and politicians. The word "Jews" simply refers to an ethnoreligious group with tons of variation in beliefs and practices, not some kind of powerful monolith. If you don't blame Chinese immigrants for the genocide of Uyghurs or all Muslims for Islamist terrorism, you don't get to blame all Jews for whatever's going on in Israel.

Do you view all Israelis as legitimate military targets for rockets & attacks? Even if you're going with the theory that they're all culpable because they all served in the military, you're still way off base. 1) They don't actually all serve in the army, and 2) by that logic, all veterans in your country are legitimate targets for nationalistic attacks. I'm pretty sure you don't think that. Also, you're forgetting about children and foreign workers; there are few if any places on Earth where those would be considered legitimate military targets. Rockets, bombs, and bullets don't discriminate in who they hit. There have even been cases, including in the current war, where they've harmed Israeli Arabs!

Do you have double standards? If your response to a resistance group, underdog or not, attacking civilians in another country is "that's bad" but your response to Palestinians attacking Israeli civilians is "it's complicated," or worse, "they deserve it," then you need to take a step back and ponder why you think that. It's once again antisemitic. If you believe that all resistance including harming civilians is valid in every region, no exceptions, then that would at least be consistent and therefore not antisemitic. If you think that Israel should just absorb the rocket fire and recent butchery without fighting back, would you say the same for your own country if it had a small neighbor shooting missiles at its major cities, especially if members of a leading faction in that country crossed the border and slaughtered your fellow citizens? If you don't think your country or other countries should just take it, anti-missile defenses or no, then you shouldn't expect it of Israel. Still antisemitic.

Are you viewing Israelis as a monolith? Israelis' views run the gamut on almost every issue you can think of. Just like there are differences of opinion regarding political, religious, and general societal issues in your home country, there are such differences in Israel. Heck, depending on your home country, Israelis' range of beliefs might even be broader than what you're used to! Unless you're affectionately joking about Israeli culture in the same way that you'd joke about American or British or whatever other country's cultural stereotypes, tarring all Israelis with the same brush is not a good idea. Taking a mean, "these people all believe/do objectively awful things" tone is downright antisemitic.

Are you confusing Israel's general population with its government? This should go without saying, but a government policy will never reflect the approval of all or even necessarily the majority of its citizens. There were ongoing mass protests for the better part of a year over the current coalition's controversial "judicial reform!" Just because you don't like something a particular group of politicians has decided doesn't mean that all Israelis agree with that thing and are therefore Bad. If you wouldn't blame all of your government's unfortunate policies on your country's population as a whole, you don't get to blame all of Israel's. Also, please bear in mind that Israelis vote for parties not people, and then each party's leadership assigns members to the Knesset as it sees fit based on the number of seats it won. A voter can like a party in general, but then be horrified at what some of its members unexpectedly say or do later down the line.

Are you criticizing a specific Israeli government policy or action? If you're doing so without falling into "all Israelis are evil" canards or conspiracy theories, then criticize it all you want! That's the whole point of what you should be doing if you object to something! Feel free to put Israel on blast about how it shouldn't destroy terrorists' homes, or needs to make a nondenominational egalitarian prayer area at the Western Wall, or should handle ultra-Orthodox Jews differently, or needs to let humanitarian aid into Gaza, or whatever it is that's bugging you. Feel free to scream about a specific military incident, or warn Israel against repeating the mistakes of 9/11. If you'd say it about a similar thing your country did or is doing, it's probably fair game to say about Israel.

Are you criticizing a specific Israeli politician? Again, this is totally fair! Feel free to post about how a politician is corrupt and horrible and really needs to leave politics and hopefully face legal consequences. Feel free to express skepticism that a politician will do what they say they will, or that they actually have anyone's best interest in mind besides their own, or that they even have a decent idea of how to do their job. If you'd say it about your own country's politicians and it's not a conspiracy theory about them, the criticism is fine to lodge about Israeli politicians.

Are you criticizing a specific aspect of Israeli politics? You're welcome to say that Israel's current Knesset makeup is messed up, or that the ruling coalition has serious viability issues, or even that something about the whole Israeli political system is deeply flawed. Again, if you'd criticize your own country's equivalent without going into wild conspiracy theories, it's fair game to criticize Israel for it. However, I will point out that it's generally a good idea to know more about a country's political system than an average current events article tells you before you criticize it.

#israel #criticizing israel #antisemitism #how to #criticizing israel without being antisemitic #think before you post #think before you speak #israel palestine conflict

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dreamerdoesthewritething · 2 years ago

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[Part 7, with a time skip. AFAB Bestie x Leon continues to burn slowly, or will the jump in time change that? Who knows? Not me lmao. These things have a mind of their own. This might need a content warning or tags, but I'm not sure which ones, so ask me to tag anything you think needs to be, please and thank you < 3 ;3]

[Part 1][Part 2][Part 3][Part 4][Part 5] [Part 6]

The years fly by. Before you know it, it's already 2004. The world has changed, thanks to terrorist attacks of all flavors and natural disasters and, most simply, the passage of time. That's the thing about time. It keeps moving forward, and nothing stays the same.

Well, except your friendship with Leon, as far as you were concerned.

That's what you tell yourself. Best friends don't have to spend time together or call each other that often. They don't have to keep up with your life. They don't have to let you know when they're back from a trip overseas so you know they're still alive. They don't need to tell you they're coming over or warn you that they look like hell.

Of course, you understand why your friendship is so hectic, so unusual, so unpredictable. It's not by choice. Not yours, and certainly not his. You've known this for nearly six years now. He's essentially enslaved to the government in their war on bio-terrorism. You survive one such event, you're forced to face more, apparently. They forget you're human, use you as a tool, and then you die in the fight or lose yourself because of it, or maybe even both.

Leon only ever wanted to be a cop. A good guy, like the officer who saved him on the night his family was killed. He never asked for his first day on the force to be his last, or for a zombie outbreak, or for monsters that weren't just wicked humans to exist. He didn't choose this. This isn't living. This isn't even survival. This is weaponizing, dehumanizing. Taking the man out of a warrior so only the perfect weapon remains.

In these past few years, you came to a decision, one that would hopefully help Leon in escaping his horrible life and bring him back to one that's more normal, more safe, more domestic.

You went back to school, this time studying law. Were you planning on becoming a lawyer? Maybe. At the very least, you wanted to know enough about legislation that you could pull something together to file a lawsuit against the government for what they did to Leon. You kept this plan to yourself, knowing someone would try to dissuade or criticize you.

Leon especially couldn't know, not after what happened the one and only time you'd ever been taken into government custody. He'd never let you attempt this if he knew. So all you would tell him was you were in college, never revealing what you were studying by passing it off as boring stuff he wouldn't care about. He learned to stop asking, though you doubt he stopped being curious about it. You just hoped he respected your privacy enough to avoid using craftier ways to find out what you're doing. He wouldn't sink to the same level as the officials who spied on him, right?

Nah, he had too much integrity for that.

You might sometimes feel like you don't know him as well as you once did, but you know him enough to know that much.

-_-_-_-_-_-

Leon calls you one day out of the blue to tell you he's about to head out on a mission. He rarely ever shares this kind of information with you, so immediately you're worried why he's doing so now. He can't give you many details. All he can say for sure is he'll be in Spain looking for someone. If that's all, why is he calling? He's not sure. There's this feeling he can't shake, one that urged him to contact you, even if there's not much he can say.

Well, that's just great, you think sarcastically.

What can you do?

The only things you can think of are to wish him well and hope he makes it back in one piece, and that his mission is successful. Will he please call you when he's home safe? He hesitates to answer. And yes, you purposely used "when" and not "if," because he will make it back. He has to.

After a few more seconds of hesitation, he promises to reach out to you as soon as he's able, pending any paperwork or debriefings he would have to do upon his return to the States. He wishes you luck with your studies, remembering you have some important exams coming up in his absence. You're surprised. You haven't mentioned your schedule in months, yet Leon remembered that? The call is over before you can say anything about it.

That night is plagued with nightmares, much of which you don't understand. Dreams of death, parasites, black veins and blood red eyes, monstrous abominations...Where did such imagery come from? You've never seen anything like it. Has your brain been watching horror films without your knowledge?

The worst part is when your nightmares decide to either have Leon killed or turn him into one of the monsters. It's the stuff that has you jolting upright, your throat sore from all the screaming you were apparently doing. You wonder why your neighbors aren't banging on your door or calling the cops to check if you're being murdered. You don't remember everything of the dreams, as is the nature of them, but what you do leaves you with an upset stomach and no desire to try to sleep again.

These nightmares repeat every time you so much as doze off, warding off any chance of rest you have before your exams. You supplement with caffeine. Coffee, soda, energy drinks, you name it. Anything--legal, of course--to keep you awake. Everyone who knows you can tell you're not doing your best, but the side eye you give them through the dark circles causes them to think twice before asking about it.

The stress of every little issue in your life and his starts attacking. God, you just wanna tear your hair out. Or cut it all off. Or maybe dye it some ridiculous color and then cut it. You feel like digging your nails into your skin until you bleed. Or biting your skin until you taste copper. You want to just scream, but even the longest and loudest wouldn't be enough.

It's too much. It's all too much...

When you're not at work, in class, or doing homework, you're curled up on your bed in the dark, eyes wide open, on high alert. Why? If you knew that, you'd take care of the problem. You just feel everything and nothing at once. The silence is deafening, darkness suffocating, but noise and light won't make anything better. Why is this happening? Why can't you make it stop?

Leon has gone away on plenty of missions before. That's been his mandatory obligation since he survived Raccoon City. You've always been concerned. Hell, if you weren't, you would be a terrible friend and certainly couldn't call yourself his best friend. But this is new. This is sickening, debilitating, all-consuming. You fear the only cure might only be the man himself.

But what if he doesn't come back this time?

Or what if your nightmares are some kind of premonition, and he returns as a monster?

The very thought has you sprinting to the bathroom, collapsing on your knees in front of the toilet. Nothing comes of it, just dry heaves. It's still enough to knock the wind out of you. You fall onto the cold tile floor, trying to catch your breath. Where's rationality when you need it? Of course Leon wouldn't come back as a monster. He'd sooner--

No, you cannot let yourself think of that.

He already admitted to you in the past that he considered it before he met Sherry during the incident. In that little girl, he saw himself, and he found that he was in the same position as the officer who saved him on the day his family was murdered. If he was gone, what would become of Sherry? Yes, Claire was competent and cared for the girl as if they hadn't met just that day, but could she have protected Sherry from the government once they discovered she had the G-Virus in her? Even with her brother Chris, the BSAA golden boy, he doubted they could've kept Sherry from becoming a federal guinea pig...and eventually a weapon, like he was now.

Suicide is a last resort for a man like Leon. It would take a lot to make him turn the gun on himself.

Being infected and running out of options for a cure might be...

-_-_-_-_-_-

You black out, only aware of this because of the black sky on the other side of your bathroom window. Your body feels so heavy as you pick yourself up off the floor. Dread hangs in the air like a fog. How long have you been here, anyway? Logic would say only a few hours, but you've lost all ability to perceive time, so for all you know, you've been there for days. You should go downstairs and check the television to figure it out.

Walking is harder than it should be. It's like you're drunk, but also hyper-aware of every step and feeling weightless. Or maybe just lightheaded? You don't know. You didn't hit your head on the toilet or something earlier, did you? There's no pain or blood, so probably not. You should take a look at yourself in the mirror when you have a chance, which will be after checking the news.

Sure enough, you didn't black out for days, just a few hours. Breathing a sigh of relief, you quickly turn the television off again and head back to the bathroom to check your head for injury. You find none, but you hardly recognize yourself in your reflection. Only a day or so of Leon being gone on this mission and you look like death. If Leon does--

When! When Leon comes back...If he sees you like this, what will he think? Will he be reminded of how shitty you looked when you thought he was dead in Raccoon City? You feel almost as bad as you did then during that month of pointless grieving. You wouldn't want to remind him of that horrible time on top of the trauma he's no doubt suffering "for the people."

But there's nothing you can do to change your face. You don't own makeup, and even if you did, you wouldn't know what to do with it. You never bothered with that stuff. What was wrong with a natural face, anyway? You never minded the acne or blemishes or any of the shit that came with puberty. Leon didn't, either. He always commented on how pretty people were when they weren't trying to hide themselves behind artificial "beauty." It's why, whenever he flirted with anyone, he'd compliment people on their natural appearance, not something they were wearing.

But maybe times like these are exceptions to hiding. If you don't want to worry Leon if--when he returns, it would be helpful if you knew how to use those products to mask your troublesome features.

It's a moot point now, at this stage of your life. Twenty-seven is a bit late to be trying to learn a skill many girls pick up in middle school. It's also late at night and you're in no condition to be driving to the store or going out in general. You'll just have to accept this and hope you'll be able to sleep without dreaming at some point in the near future, which will hopefully be before Leon sees you again.

You get a sense of déjà vu as you hear knocking at your front door. As you go to answer it, your heart races, thumping so loud that it's soon the only thing you can hear. All the sick feelings from before come rushing in as your mind decides to keep pace with your heart. What if it's someone else coming to tell you Leon was KIA, or worse, infected with some new biological weapon that meant he had to be put down? What if it's someone who wants to hurt Leon and is targeting you to do so? What if it's just a pizza delivery boy who got the wrong house and you're getting worked up over nothing?

There's only one way to know.

Your palms are sweaty as you unlock the door and twist the knob. When you see the other side, it's like time has frozen, or maybe it's the two of you that have been frozen in an instant.

His name lingers on your lips, but you can't give it a voice in time. He's already moving in to wrap his arms around you, squeezing so tight, as if you might disappear. As if you might disappear. He's the one always leaving. You should be hugging him this hard, not the other way around...

Something warm and wet hits the back of your neck. Oh, no...Leon.

"You look like shit," he mumbles, no doubt trying to lighten the mood so you won't point out the obvious.

You give him a halfhearted chuckle, unable to find the words to respond. It's so like him to do this. He knows he looks just as bad if not worse but he doesn't want you worrying about him. Not any more than you have already.

You pull back from the embrace just enough to see the face he's trying so hard to hide from you. His bangs still block his beautiful blue eyes, but you can see the tears streaming down from them, the ones that hit your skin. With one arm still firmly around him, you reach up to gently wipe them away. He quickly snatches that hand, a little rougher than he meant to, only to raise it to his lips, softly pressing them against it.

"Are you okay?" you ask.

His voice is muffled since he doesn't release your hand. "I'm alive."

"Leon, that's not--"

"The mission was a success."

"Leon--"

"I'm still me."

In frustration, you start crying. He doesn't answer your question the way you want, but you know it's not his fault. He's not okay. He hasn't been in years. Because of that, it's enough for him that he's alive, successful, and still himself. You wish your standards for his well-being could ever be that low.

"Can I...Is there anything I can do for you?" you ask after a moment.

He gives you a weak smile. "No, sweetheart. Just...You're more than enough. All I need is sleep...and maybe a shower."

You had no plans on commenting on it, but it's true. Leon stinks. Smells like death. He's still in his tactical gear, which explains it. What, did he get off his plane or helicopter or whatever and immediately come here? Shouldn't he have gone back to base for debrief and reporting and whatever paperwork might need to be filled out? Or maybe he did all that and just...decided he wanted to see you as soon as possible?

You give your assistance without him asking. An empty basket for him to put all his gross clothing into. A fresh towel and wash cloth. Some clothes from nearly six years ago when you secretly had him living with you for roughly a week. He's gotten much more muscular since then, so everything's a bit of a tight fit, but he doesn't mind. Beggars can't be choosers, and he put himself in this situation, so he can't complain.

As you're about to direct him to your bed--you'd never ask him to sleep on the couch and the guest bedroom isn't ready for him--he says your name in that tone of voice. The one he uses when he needs your comfort. The one you can't deny. The one that has you crawling into bed before him and assuming a familiar position, letting him climb in and cuddle up beside you, resting his head on your chest as you begin to run your fingers through his damp hair.

"I've missed you," he says.

"I've missed you more," you say.

He chuckles. "Impossible."

You could argue, pointing out how much he's changed over the years while you've stayed relatively the same. You've missed him and you miss the person he used to be.

But you won't say that.

You won't say anything.

You just let him drift off to sleep in the comfort of your arms, feeling his heart rate drop and his breathing slowly turn to light snores. Your own eyelids grow heavy. You try to fight it since every time you've slept recently has been plagued with those horrid nightmares, but it's futile. Your fatigue has caught up to you and won't let you go now that Leon has returned.

And so, you sleep.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

You oversleep, in fact.

It's past noon when you finally open your eyes. You're alone in your bed, but not the house. The television is on and you can somewhat hear it through the walls. Not enough to understand what's being said, but enough to recognize the source of the sound. Groaning, you force yourself away from the sheets and onto your feet, heading out into the living room.

Leon looks better than he did last night, but it's clear he didn't sleep as well as you did. You have no idea when he left your side. It's not the first time he's come over to share your bed and then left it while you were still asleep. He has nightmares and memories that attack him almost every night, thanks to all the trauma the world has put him through, and while he used to be able to sleep through the night at your side, that's become more of an exception than a rule. His face lights up a bit when he sees you, which causes heat to rise into yours.

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty," he greets as you take a seat at the other end of the couch.

"Hey yourself, handsome," you respond in kind.

"I ordered pizza. Didn't think either of us would feel like cooking. Should be here soon. And don't worry, I paid for it."

"Do you have--?"

"Yes, I have cash for a tip."

"Okay, good. Just checking."

Leon has his arms resting on the back of the couch, stretched out on either side of him. You glance at them out of the corner of your eye, noticing the various scrapes and bruises that weren't there the last time you saw him. Gifts from his mission in Spain, you assume. You can't see much else of his skin since the majority of it is covered with clothing, but you imagine under his tee and pants is even more damage of both the temporary and permanent kind. He doesn't complain about scars very often, though, joking that he's fine as long as his face remains unscathed.

Spain clearly beat the shit outta him, but he was alive and in one piece and no injury was too serious to keep him away from you. You wonder how his enemies looked by comparison. You know, as in, "If I look rough, you should see the other guy." Of course, odds are his enemies are dead and in many, many pieces, or else you wouldn't have Leon in your living room right now.

It took a year and a heavy night of drinking for Leon to tell you what went down in Raccoon City. He has never told you about any of his other missions and encounters with B.O.W.s because he couldn't and because he didn't want to. Will this one be like those, or will it be like the Raccoon City incident? You won't know until it happens, if it happens at all.

A flash from your nightmares occurs. You swear you see black veins on the surface of Leon's skin on his arms. Eyes go wide and you nearly fall off of the couch as your body recoils from him by instinct. He loses his smile, instantly concerned. You look back at his arm to find it completely normal and breathe a sigh of relief.

"S-Sorry, I just...I had a bunch of nightmares while you were gone and I...I thought I was in one for a sec," you explain.

"Nightmares?" He knows you rarely have bad dreams. Last time he recalls you talking about having them was when you thought he was dead. "Was I...in them?"

You don't want to say it, so you just nod.

"Damn, I didn't realize I was that scary."

"It's not you. It's...my stupid mind being mean to me."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"You wanna talk about your nightmares?"

His silence is answer enough. You take a deep breath and slouch, keeping your eyes closed. It's not that you don't want to tell him or talk to him about it. It's just not the time. He came back only hours ago. What if your nightmares had some truth to them and upset him? You don't want to risk it. Not this close to his return.

In one smooth move, Leon puts his arm around your shoulders and pulls you closer to him. It's so sudden and unexpected you don't even have time to open your eyes before it's over. Now he has you against his side, his hand idle by your hip, your head against his firm chest. You're so close to him you can easily smell your body wash on him, pleasantly mingling with his natural scent. His hold on you is tight, almost frightening so, but a light pat reminds you that he'd never hurt you intentionally. Even becoming a monster wouldn't change that...

Well, probably not, anyway.

"I'm here for you if you need me, sweetheart," he says, kissing the top of your head. "And even if you don't, I'm here, too."

"I'll always need you, Leon. You're my best friend."

He wants to joke about being your only friend, but refrains. You might not enjoy that one, what with how true it can be. To be fair, you are really the only friend he's had for his entire life, so he doesn't have much room to talk. You two are just a couple of lonely souls who find comfort in each other and very little else. He wouldn't have it any other way, if he's honest.

Without even thinking, Leon says, "I love you."

You think nothing of it, assuming it's platonic and somehow failing to notice how quick his heartbeat has become despite literally having your head on his chest.

"I love you, too, Leon," you say, and it's so casual it kind of crushes Leon's hopes and dreams.

Have you...finally gotten over your feelings for him?

Oh god, he hopes not.

But...

#dreamer writes #resident evil #leon kennedy #leon s. kennedy #leon scott kennedy #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy x reader #long post //#suicidal thoughts //

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female-malice · 1 year ago

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Yeah, you definitely sound like a Proud Boy. Maybe you should ask yourself why these groups tend to be left leaning, and what they're actually saying when they criticize members of their group for aligning with the far right. It's not about indoctrinating everyone to think the same way; it's about understanding the ways in which power structures harm us. The fact that you can't understand that nuance is telling.

And you definitely sound like you're stuck at a 19 year old's understanding of the world.

I'm a lesbian woman who knows sex-based oppression is real and homosexuality is normal. This is why I was demonized by queer identity politics. This is why they labeled me an other, an outsider, a self-hating class traitor, a terf.

Identity politics is a failed project. You can not make an entire identity category come to a consensus or agree politically. You can not represent an entire identity category through a small ruling class of representatives. Identity politics only creates division and hatred by putting the in group on a pedestal while demonizing the out group. And these same strategies, when taken to the extreme, result in violence and social collapse.

If you want to see an example of extreme identity politics, check out what Azeri school children learn about Armenians. There's your identity politics right there. All the kids know which group they belong in. And they know who the outsiders are. If you want to see another example, look at the proud boys themselves. Look at how they all dress the same and have the same haircut. Look at how concerned they are about who is inside their group and who is outside of it. Identity politics. Tribalism. The human brain in its most basic state undisturbed by emotional or intellectual development.

I believe cultures are valuable troves of discovery, beauty, art, science, history, storytelling, and bonding. The more cultures, the better. It's like biodiversity. The more cultures we have, the more perspectives we can see through, the more we discover about the world. But identity politics is antithetical to all that. Identity politics makes it impossible for cultures to exist peacefully side by side. It makes it impossible for people to see through all the different perspectives. There's nothing wrong with identity and there's nothing wrong with politics. But when you put them together, you always end up with social ostracism, demonization, and dehumanization. You always end up with the most basic forms of tribalism.

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petruchio · 1 year ago

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hope this isn't a weird and irrelevant reply to your personal post but honestly i really get what you mean. tbh i've been there too. i get how being in a place where you're confident in some aspects of yourself and doing enviable (?) things can be pretty isolating, especially if you're (perceived as) a woman, you feel like you're good at [insert some skills that matter to you], and you generally like the way you look. it can feel like you lack empathy because you don't share some of the insecurities that people around you experience and bond over (though you may be struggling with something different that they don't get), it can feel like you can't tell if you're a good friend or not because others talk about you in terms of what you've accomplished or what you have rather than who you are as a person, it can feel like your positive emotions aren't real because they're atypical and viewed as "unrelatable" idk. i feel like loving yourself and believing in your abilities is a net good but not a substitute for being around people who actually relate to your experiences. for me it's essentially feeling likable but not understandable (or understood), and ime it's something that isn't "solved" by having a lot of friends. it makes sense if you feel like that's not enough. not sure if any of this is actually similar to what you're going through, but i hope you get the chance to be around people who Get It, and i hope you feel less alone soon. you seem like a genuinely kind person on top of being great at writing/analysis -- i love the way you write about the things you're excited about. wishing you all the best <3

it's not weird or irrelevant AT ALL! it honestly always does make me feel better when i come on here and speak about something i'm struggling with and other people say, hey, yeah, me too. especially when the thing i'm complaining about is feeling alone, it's comforting to know that other people feel the same way. like, we're all lonely together, which makes us less alone in our loneliness.

and yeah i think you're right -- confidence is one of those weird things where the more you work on it, the more difficult it can become to relate to other people. people are always telling me i'm so confident and asking my advice on things and i'm always like... idk how to tell you to just stop caring what people are thinking. i mean, obviously i do care what people think of me, but maybe the problem is that because i'm my own worst critic, i can't imagine anyone hating me more than i already hate myself, which paradoxically means that i assume everyone loves me? or maybe it's because i can't imagine anyone genuinely giving a shit about what i do, so it's easy to just do whatever i want. because it's not that i don't care what people think, but just that i pretty much assume they aren't thinking about me, so why would i bother trying to impress them? (like some of my friends will describe in detail the logic behind their instagram story posts. and i'm just like... do you really think other people are noticing this? do you really think people care that much what you, some random person, is posting? it's kind of crazy to spend so much time thinking about yourself through the lens other people. just post if you think it's funny, or don't. nobody is actually thinking that much about you.)

but to your point, i feel like that is kind of where a lot of the loneliness comes from. because people describe certain insecurities or thought patterns that they have, and i'm just like yeah i truly cannot relate to that, or yeah, i would never do that. and when i do express things i'm struggling with, people act so shocked and never offer any kind of support because they're like "but your life is so perfect!" (which is INSANE! nobody has a perfect life! and i know it sounds like the most obnoxious problem ever, like oh my life is so great that nobody believes me when i say i'm still inexplicably sad, but it is a really isolating and lonely existence!!) and then i guess it kind of becomes a cycle where people say or do certain things, i don't relate to them at all, and then i wonder why i'm still struggling so much even though i'm honestly doing fine, and then i feel guilty for even struggling or feeling down because i don't really know what else i can do to get better, since again, i'm objectively doing fine.

i get what you mean about feeling likable but not understandable. recently i was on a second or third date with someone, and i had this weird out of body experience where it was like, i could see myself doing everything right -- i could see that he was totally into me and that i was saying all the right things and laughing at the right times and making the right jokes, but i didn't feel like a person? i knew i could make him like me, and that it wouldn't even be that hard, but i knew he would never actually know me, not even if we kept dating for years. he would always have just "liked" me, like you said. it was a really weird and uncomfortable feeling. i came home and wrote in my journal "sometimes i feel like i'm so good at pretending to be a person that i don't feel like i'm actually a person at all"

SORRY for these long rambling answers. i guess i'm feeling some type of way about my inability to function normally lately. being 24 is just weird i guess. it's uncomfortable and awkward and frustrating, and so much of it feels like this sense of cognitive dissonance between being really good at acting like an adult but still feeling like you just want to scream and cry and throw things like a toddler but you know you can't. i guess someday it will all make sense. or maybe it won't. but i'll keep writing about it either way <333

#answered #anonymous

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chromatic-lamina · 2 years ago

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For the fanfic ask:

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

8. what’s your relationship with constructive criticism and feedback like? do you seek it out? how well do you take it?

47. what story are you most proud of?

91. how has your writing style changed over the years?

Bepo Fanfic Asks 5

(Bepo's officially hanging up his author's hat after this ask! Thanks for all the fan mail. It's made his heart implode ❤️)

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

Ooh, it's just as well that Carrot didn't stow away with us. As a fellow-Mink, of course, I would've looked after her, but I think that the trip to Wano gave Captain a breather away from chaos for just a second (although Usopp and Ikkaku using the corridors to practice their curling skills during daily clean-up gave Mugiwara a run for his money. Those hallways are narrow and noise carries!).

As for why Carrot didn't ride with us (I'm guessing that's what existential means --> like she exited and existed on another ship -->). Really, there was no dread involved about any bunnies whatsoever. That was reserved for Mugiwara, and as said, we all had a chance to rest easy if but for a second.

8. what’s your relationship with constructive criticism and feedback like? do you seek it out? how well do you take it?

We're a crew of 20 (+1) and I expect 20 Hearts to heart any heartfelt effort. Captain's always first of course. Don't tell anyone, but his pen name is Sturgeon-of-Depth. Then Adélie, toothy-grin, masked-gander, Jan-Baert, angel_3.14, gonadlier and the rest. Radish is always next to last, same as Massaker-Soldja.

Feedback, if it's honest, like:

You're Your depiction of yourself as me has moved me to tears

is treasured. But if it's just jealousy pretending to be helpful, like:

Plz don't leave A/N in middle of fic. Distracting.

I just delete it. When Clione angel_3.14, Shachi Radish, and Killer Massaker-Solja get as many hits as I do then they can come to my table and we'll discuss things as fellow scribes. Until then, maybe they could pick up some hints by studying my fics to help with their own stats? Although I can't see that any of them would do very well at role reversal Captain.

I think questions 47 and 91 are answered in instalments 3 or 4 (or topics very similar to them!). Thank you for the ask!

If you want to check out my previous answers, they're here! and here! and here! and here!

#one piece #bepo one piece #trafalgar law #bepo's beptober #shachi one piece #killer one piece #heart pirates #one piece fan fiction #opfanfic #op fanfic #one piece fanfic #chromasks #chromanswers #chromafic #chromafics #chromalami #ninhaoma ya

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kiefbowl · 2 years ago

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I have a low quality of attraction to women, it is very weak, I tried for years to "unpack" and "work on" making it stronger but it is not something you can do. does that mean I am a faker and a "spicy straight" who doesn't belong, and that I deserve to be mocked, derided, and treated like shit? because I can't make my SSA magically get stronger by "unpacking internalized homophobia"? I can't change the strength of my desires, it's not something I have control over. Of course it is innate! If it wasn't, I would have experiences like women who do have a stronger innate attraction. but I do not relate at all to women who have a stronger innate attraction to other women, even ones who struggle with internalized homophobia. I think you are making lots of assumptions about what the experience of women like me is actually like. I feel like you think we aren't real and don't exist. I think the kinsey scale is extremely useful because it describes accurately my low level of BOTH quality and quantity of attraction to women.

Okay, so I think this is a good example of why tumblr can be a poor exchange of ideas because people usually only see the most recent posts made about a conversation and have no indication of what kicked off, especially if it was hours ago. So, let me use this ask to just coalesce all the thoughts in one place.

What I've said is that I'm not convinced that people are describing something innate when people express bisexuality with any preferences to one sex or the other. That is not a value judgement. I'm speaking to the fact that external factors influencing their experiences seems a much more viable explanation. I've also detailed my very long held critical view of the Kinsey scale, and have made concessions every time I've mentioned it that someone might find it useful to describe their own experiences, while also detailing that it can be leveraged in ways for people to not come to terms with their innate sexuality. I would hope when saying that, we can recognize I'm talking to the fact that we are living in a homophobic society (which is an external factor, not an internal factor), so it's reasonable to understand that both gay people and bisexual people might have trouble fully accepting their orientation in a variety of ways. Additionally, bisexual people can be homophobic while recognizing they're bisexual, so when a bisexual person expresses more preferences for the other sex rather than the same sex, how can we be sure they're expressing a internal, innate, unchangeable, biological expression of sexuality and not be sure that they're homophobia is affecting that perception of preference?

However, with all this said, my criticisms of the Kinsey scale have little to do with how people use it, and more to do that it's not meaningfully measuring anything. The only thing it "measures" is how people are willing to identify themselves against it when presented with it. That's not scientific, or mathematically relevant, or provides any insight to the data collected by Kinsey. I believe that Kinsey only used it to collect data, by having people self identify on it when researching (which is fine), however as it stands on it's own and as it's very popularly used and referred to today, it's not anything but a self-identifying tool. If you want to use it to self identify yourself with a value, as I've always maintained, that's for you to decide. It's definitely leveraged in pop-queer theory irresponsibly and inaccurately, along with other things like the "split attraction model" which you can see the Kinsey scale's influence. Again, and maybe I'm wrong, I don't think Kinsey designed it for public use, it was just designed for his data collection purposes, which without a data collection study becomes, like I've said, just a self identifying tool by it's own metrics.

When it comes to how YOU, specifically YOU as an individual, I'm not interested in arguing about your orientation, and I never will be. It's rude to think anyone can be more of an expert in someone's else internal life than that person. If you believe your sexual preferences are innate, I obviously can't convince you otherwise. And I never will try directly. I feel entitled to speak on bisexuality because I'm bisexual, but if you think I'm wrong then we agree to disagree. I think orientation is innate, and describes which sex you're capable to be attracted to in relation to your own sex. I don't think anyone can be divorced from their culture or upbringing, which is going to impact how you approach sex and relationships. Ultimately though, when it comes to the sex and relationships you want to have, you can't be wrong for pursuing healthy, satisfying, mutually beneficial love. It doesn't matter to me if external factors are affecting your decisions, because you're allowed to pursue sex with the people you desire. Of course external factors are going to affect your decisions. External factors effect all of us, regardless of our orientation. That doesn't make your choices invalid, like I said this is not a value statement on how you choose to pursue sex and relationships. I'm observing that self identifying a preference as a bisexual is not more convincing as an innate, biological experience rather than be influenced by external factors.

I hope that provides clarity to anything I believe. I'm willing to take more questions about this, if people want.

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daintymayhem · 2 years ago

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I could've sworn I added more context but I think I forgot. My bad.

There are people frequently mentioned on this blog that haven't done anything wrong except do Neurodivergent shit and are then called gross, weird, and annoying for it. It feels like you people ran out of actually problematic people to complain about and now shame ND people for what they can't control. Like that Lucien person or Vinny.

And it's not even just ND people you complain about. (Not you as in you specifically, Mod Croc, just in general). You complain about people like Pru being able to make a living off of their art. You complain about people's art styles like you're expecting everyone to draw like hyanna. And even I'm guilty of it, like, fuck, I'm complaining right now! And maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm being illogical, but you people act like close-minded brainlets and it pisses me off. If you hate the species so fucking much, then just fucking leave? It's not that hard. And it goes both ways. Prucucks suck, and so do chronically online neets.

This turned into a rant, thank you for coming to my TED talk. Good day, and if I don't like you, kindly fuck yourself.

I appreciate the context now let's go down this line

I don't speak for what other people say, however As I do run this blog I will set a few things straight here. Being ND doesn't mean your actions are without consequence. Vinny is just in general a very cruel and mean person and plenty of people have had bad experiences with them, including me. And the first thing that comes to mind with Lucien is that he's literally tried to redesign a brown dainty to make them white, and only fixed it once he was called out on this blog. I will however start vetting asks more closely about whether or not a post is just complaining about someone exhibiting neurodivergent traits.

Your point about "not wanting people to make money off of art" however is completely null and void since you brought pajuxi into this. Pajuxi makes THOUSANDS of dollars by doing literally nothing but sending invoices. She's NOT using her art. She pulls a random number of slots out of her ass and charges people 35$ for a thing that doesn't exist. And she makes sure that slots are limited so people are constantly on the hunt for them. Her adopts outside of dainties barely sell because dainties is just a popular namebrand. That namebrand is why she can make her mods create a set of chibi base adopts that sell for 70$ each.If she dropped dainties right now and just started selling adopts i would support her 100%. However myo slots are a predatory scam, and that's where she makes her primary income. I do want people to make money off their art, key word being, THEIR ART. Not a magical permission slip that doesn't even exist. I am an artist myself. Seeing people managing to sell some of the lowest effort adopts I've ever seen just because it's a namebrand is what has stopped me from selling any of my own adopts. People don't want my stuff because it's not a fancy namebrand. So next time you want to complain that people are awful for "not wanting pajuxi to make money off her art" I want you to think about all the artists who can't sell shit because people like pru have popularized closed species, exclusivity, and general gatekeeping to incredibly unoriginal ideas.

While it has happened in the past, I discourage people talking about people's art quality and delete posts that are just making fun of people's art.

Also people are allowed to speak out about a community they're in. This idea of "can't say anything bad about this species because I'm in it" is stupid. Criticism and complaints are how change is made. Let people be unhappy with the circumstances. Like you coming to a blog meant for complaining about dainties and complaining about people complaining about dainties.

I also hope you have a good day, however if you send another message with something as aggressive as "go fuck yourself" in it, i will delete it. I would appreciate it if you tried to stay civil :)

#Sorry this got long

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basilfang · 16 days ago

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" A sociologist, music critic, English student and carpenter walk into a bar. They all see the strange man in the corner putting coins into the jukebox. You ask them a week later what they saw, you're not gonna get the same answer.

And if the English student is bestrfiends with the strange man's daughter, and the music critic knows everyone at the pub because he's been going there with his friends for 23 years, if the carpenter is a recluse who got roped into coming along because his one friend, the English student's step brother told him to go along as a favour, oblivious to the fact the step brother is trying to set the two up because since leaving his apprenticeship he's become a cold sunovabitch, exactly the kind of person the English student seems to accidentally turn into happier people just by being around, and if the sociologist is just an old friend of the music critic visiting from Kilkenny and knew nothing about anything that goes on in this town, they're all gonna have a pretty different impression of the man.

So, you see, sometimes people can see the exact same thing and maybe they'll tell you the same or similar, but really, inside their head, everyone's view of the strange man will be it's own entire object, none quite like the other."

" Cat, if this is some mind fucky way for you to tell me it's just hearsay, I'm gonna tell you to take off your glasses so I can punch you in the fucking face"

That's your favourite show?

No, my brother's. We used to be close. Now he acts like we're just neighbours in an apartment building. I watch the show sometimes and it makes me sad. Not bad sad, I just miss him.

You poor thing.

He always had a soft spot for Cat Chi's Long Walk Home. If I wasn't being sentimental, I watch the original movie, the show I watch really just because of him.

What was the movie called?

Dandelion Teeth

You Were telling me about this a while ago. Based on a comic book, right?

Well, technically based on the book the graphic novel was based on.

Right.

You know in Sweden the book is called A Teenage Gravedigger's Daughter

That's on the nose, I imagine. From what you've told me about the general plot.

It is. But, by the time the story is in the form of the show, this one anyhow, not the web series which many claim is the best adaptation despite having so many shitty qualities, it isn't even about the daughter anymore. Barely even about that whole family. It focuses on the one romantic relationship and all the key story beats are centred around them. That's why I prefer the movie, but I can see why people like the show.

Hey O, do you think Irina will like the show? I feel like this is exactly her cup of tea.

She loves the show. How did you not know?

I don't know

She said she's only seen the show and movie, not anything else, the books she only realised existed a few weeks ago. Maybe if you watch the show you'll have something more to talk to her about?

Maybe. I still don't think I can get into the show just yet. It seems like a lot. Maybe I should wait for the right time.

It will never be the right time. It will always be the right time. Why not sooner than later.

I'll think about it. Are you all packed for tomorrow?

Sure am. Socks and shirts and everything else all rolled up. I am ready to rumble!

you're trying to remember his name. Place yourself in her shoes. She's talking to him, she's written about him. Edith knows his name. What is it? Try and think

I just can't. I don't have a connection to their relationship. I don't think this is gonna work.

If we want to figure out who's messing with us, I think finding this guy will help us immensely. Edith trusted him. Maybe not always, or in the end, but at one point. Just knowing who he is, even if he's dead now, I think it's a good idea.

Whatever you say.

This is what falling in love feels like. I'll have to tell TP soon. I know he'll say this is stupid. Maybe I'm not falling in love, maybe it's just boredom, he'll say. And if it doesn't work out, he'll say, what did I tell you.

I miss the old days. Before it got so complicated. This town, it makes everything so not straightforward. And he ... he makes things understandable. Something isn't exactly right here, but can't I just be happy for once?

#darkspot

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clouds-of-wings · 3 months ago

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I understand the occult stuff I tried 5 years ago much better now, as an atheist with an understanding of somatic psychology, than I did back then, and also why it didn't work for me.

What I did (that particular time! Not my first foray into such matters, but my most serious and systematic one) was some modified "paganified" Golden Dawn magic. Stuff that was supposedly "basic level, but if you do it every day it will get you far in terms of personal development, just try it for a year". Well I did try it for a year, I was very disciplined, and it got me absolutely nowhere. Depressing, but I understand why now.

Okay, so what do you do? Progressive Muscle Relaxation, a breathing exercise, then you focus your thoughts, then the LBRP, then the Middle Pillar. Then meditation, divination, stuff like that.

I understand so well now why you do these things. Everything before the meditation part is designed to get you into a mindset where you are calm, confident, you feel strong and safe. It's all designed to massage your central nervous system. Once a day you give your brain all kinds of cues of safety, first through relaxing your muscles and regulating your breath, then you do the LBRP, aka the spiritual equivalent of being approached by four world-class bodyguards who assure you that they are keeping an eye on you, that you matter to them, that you are with them. Then you do the Middle Pillar, aka the spiritual equivalent of five of the people you look up to the most approaching you and telling you how cool you are, how much they see their best qualities in you and how they are always with you.

I'm not describing it like this to make fun of it! Those ARE powerful experiences and they are probably a very good way of giving your central nervous system the cues of safety and power that it needs to relax and function properly. Of course that would get you far in terms of personal development! I'm not knocking it at all, I believe this can work very well.

IF you believe in it. And believing in it doesn't just involve "believing the gods in question exist", it also means believing that they would want to protect and strengthen you specifically. To stay in the analogy, if the bodyguards just roll their eyes and sarcastically say "yeah sure" when you ask for their protection, then of course you don't feel protected by them. If you don't actually look up to the Middle Pillar figures, or you feel like if they were humans they wouldn't be the kind of people who would care about you, then it won't work. What you're reinforcing in yourself is instead a feeling of being alone, unworthy, or just in the wrong place.

I think this last part is why it didn't work for me. If you ask the archangels for help but you're actually a wicked sinner (or think you are) who isn't making nearly enough of an effort to live according to God's law, then maybe you will wonder why the angels would possibly want to protect you. Though maybe Jesus' message of universal forgiveness can help with that (you still have to be sorry though).

In my case, it was less about sin (it wasn't Christian after all) than it was about me feeling like if the Aesir were human, we would probably have very different world views. Why would a guy whose entire thing is beating symbolic representations of wild nature to death with a phallus symbol ever protect me from my enemies? A guy like that would be more likely to BE my enemy, even though I understand why iron age farmers would worship a god like that. Why would a bunch of snobby patriarchal cliquish gods who live in a castle and think they're better than all the other giants while still exploiting them at every turn possibly want to have anything to do with me? Those are exactly the kind of people I don't get along with at all!

In a way, it was me getting my wires crossed. I had my reasons, plenty of them, to gravitate towards the Norse gods. But I had a certain critical distance to the most central figures of the mythology even though I vibed with it in other ways. Since I actually believed in these gods as autonomous beings (or did my best to) I figured I'd try my best and approach them with as little prejudice as possible. After all, I reasoned, if they're so wise and immortal and perhaps well-intentioned, they might correct my negative preconception if I approached them correctly. Theoretical analysis is one thing, but how someone real treats you can still contradict your preconceptions of how "someone like that" will usually act. I have certainly had the experience that what humans say about their worldview doesn't always predict how they will actually behave.

But sadly these gods don't actually exist as autonomous beings. Or so I believe nowadays. So there was no one there to correct the negative image I had in my head of them and my actions only reinforced them. This ritual stuff is all about priming your subconscious mind to work the way you want it to with bodywork, symbolism, imagery. There's nothing external to relate to, so whatever you work with will reinforce itself over time. You can't wring safety from god images you don't trust, you can't wring confidence from the idea of gods who you don't think would like you. Nothing happened when I did these exercises. Nothing blew up in my face, but I went through the motions and tried to make myself feel the correct things. The one positive thing I got from it was that it trained my discipline and willpower, which isn't nothing but definitely not all I wanted from something as time and energy intense as a daily ritual practice.

Anyway. The year after, I lost my faith for unrelated reasons (no, it wasn't the pandemic), so these realizations don't help super much now. Actually, maybe working with gods you don't believe in but who you think would be helpful if they did exist might even be more promising than working with gods who you think are real but wouldn't help you. Kind of like an "imagined community", except with spiritual beings. But I don't know if I want to do anything with that thought at this point.

#occultism #spirituality #somatic experiencing #somatic psychology #mythology

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cryptidsurveys · 3 months ago

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Wednesday, October 16th, 2024.

What’s your best tip on being a better listener? Do you consider yourself to be a good listener? I don't have any genuine tips because I'm kind of a terrible listener. I'm often either thinking about what I want to say, or fumbling to come up with an appropriate response. The former is more related to people I know well (ie. hurry up and finish your thought so I can contribute mine), whereas the latter is more related to people with whom I'm not as comfortable (ie. you caught me off-guard and I'm struggling to formulate a sentence that doesn't sound stupid). The obvious advice is to slow down and don't worry so much about saying anything in particular - because if you're actually listening and taking in what the other person has to say, then chances are a response will come naturally and you won't have to dedicate half of your brain power to rehearsing something that merely "sounds good."

What’s something you do less and less as you’ve gotten older? Delight in the magic of existence. I was such an imaginative and whimsical child, but I feel like I've lost a lot of that spark as I've gotten older. Childhood had such a dreamlike and mysterious quality to it, but adulthood feels so solid and certain. I do try to revive that energy and immerse myself in small, beautiful moments, but it's just not the same. Maybe my problem here is similar to my listening problem above. I'm so busy trying to force things to feel magical or wondering why they don't that I miss out on what made those moments magical in the first place. Experience and enjoyment without overthinking.

Do you believe in your intuition or logic more, and why? My intuition is a piece of shit. Of course, if it's screaming at me to not go down some dark alley, then I'm going to listen. But if it's whispering that so-and-so doesn't like me, then so what? Is giving in to speculation and acting "accordingly" going to accomplish anything? Absolutely not. It's going to send me down a negativity spiral that can only end in disaster. I have to rely on what little logic I have.

When was the last time you acted irrationally? What happened? A few weeks ago, when I thought I was going to be fired from volunteering over the Alex situation. It wasn't even close to that serious. This is why I can't rely on emotion or intuition - they will almost invariably lead me astray.

Are you scared of being lonely? I've spent a lot of my life feeling lonely, so while it isn't a nice feeling, it doesn't scare me. I'm much more afraid of being truly alone and incapable of functioning independently. There's feeling alone in a crowded room and then there's having no one to call when your whole life is crashing down.

Do you often feel jealous? If so, why? Yeah (or envious, resentful, etc). I'm somewhat better at reasoning with myself and refraining from acting on those emotions, but they're still there.

How do you react to criticism? It really depends on how the criticism is delivered and what it's targeting. It can be anywhere from no big deal to soul crushing.

What has made you laugh out loud in the last week? Joking around with River, Kristen, and Natasha. I nearly puked because I was laughing so hard. It feels good. I haven't laughed this much in years.

What gift have you gotten in the last year that brings joy to your life? It brings joy with a whole lot of guilt because I'm not the reader I once was, but my mom gifted me all of the James Harriet books for Christmas last year. I'm only part of the way through the first one and I feel inclined to lie whenever she asks because I don't want her to think I don't appreciate the gift. I do, I really do, I'm just in a horrible reading slump and I don't know how to get myself out of it. I thought I was doing better when I was getting into Sci-Fi novels, but that trailed off after just a few books, so…hmph.

What is something you’ve learned in the past week? My therapist asked me earlier if I'd had any "aha moments" recently, and yes, I have! I went into one of them on a recent survey. Basically, bad things aren't necessarily some sort of karmic punishment. Sure, there is an element of cause and effect in life, but you can be the best person in the whole world and bad things will still happen to you. Some things are simply inescapable, but they aren't your fault. You didn't bring them upon yourself. Which leads into the second realization. You can stew on those bad things for as long as you want, you can spend eternity in self-righteous indignation and resentment, or you can practice understanding and compassion and set yourself free from that self-imposed hell. Sometimes negative emotions are natural and expected, but they shouldn't be indulged to the extent that they consume you. It might not be satisfying in the moment (especially when all I want to do is literally or figuratively kick and scream - like with the recent family drama), but it's much more satisfying in the long run to look back and realize how much I was able to learn and overcome.

What are some things you have now that you didn’t have five years ago?

The ability to drive.

The ability to volunteer 30+ hours a week.

A relationship with my mom. I always say it's complicated, but it's positive enough to be worthwhile.

A much deeper understanding of my mental illness and how to cope in helpful and productive ways.

A better handle on my eating disorder. I still struggle to an extent, but I don't think an outsider would ever guess.

A small social circle of people who appreciate my presence.

Basically, I feel like I have the beginnings of a life that I once believed was impossible, maybe even a future worth looking forward to.

What is a quality you have that you consider negative? Now what is something positive that comes out of that quality? People-pleasing mixed with FOMO. "If I'm not there, if I don't do this, then I'll miss out, people won't like me as much, and I'll fade back into obscurity." Along with a determination to improve my life and push myself out of my comfort zone (good qualities), it's helped me get where I am today. I would like to ease up on the people pleasing tendencies because they definitely have their drawbacks, but I can't say that absolutely nothing good has come from them.

What is a small win that you accomplished in the past 24 hours? I drove to therapy, even though certain merges make me anxious. Nobody honked, nobody died. ;D

Describe a small, everyday thing that you enjoy with a special person in your life. Evening chats with my dad. We talk randomly throughout the day, of course, but in the evenings we really sit down and TALK. Not about anything in particular, often about nothing much, but it's just nice to have that time set aside.

Look around the room you’re in and list 10 things you’re grateful for. My kitties. Computer. Phone. Drawing tablet. Migraine medicine. Bed. Clothing. Books. Blankets (lots of blankets). Food (I'm currently eating a late lunch).

What is an emotion you try to avoid? Why are you afraid to feel it? Many of the emotions I've talked about throughout this survey. Jealousy, resentment, anger, misplaced fear, shame, etc. I'm not necessarily "afraid" to feel them. In fact, until relatively recently, I've felt them often and intensely. Still do sometimes. It's just that I've realized how much of a hindrance they can be, and I've found ways to combat them or lessen their impact on my life. It's also not about never feeling them; it's more about keeping them in proper check.

Are the people in your life bringing negative or positive energy? I'd say it's mostly positive. Some neutral. And a very small percentage of negligible negativity.

#survey #surveys #personal survey #survey blog #random survey

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puppyoclock · 8 months ago

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my strategy for how to properly do research on a particular discussion topic, in order to have your own opinion/stance:

find out what you're in for! casually scroll through tags for the topic on social media, google it to see what the first results are, read the wikipedia page on it, stuff like that to get a broad overview of generally what the topic even is and what you have to learn

write down a list of subtopics or discussion points you commonly see. as an example, if you were researching whether cats or dogs are better, your list would look something like: "general amount of maintenance required, predictability, trainability, energy level, affection, lifespan, lifestyle" etc.

look into each of those points individually from multiple sources, from different opinions and different levels of credibility. for the cats or dogs example, you would be looking for sources from people who prefer cats AND people who prefer dogs. you would also look for a combination of everyman/community opinions, professional opinions, and direct scientific research/academic papers (if applicable). if you have friends who are into this topic, ask them! just try not to be inclined to agree with them just because they're your friend - avoiding bias would be easiest if you had several friends on different sides (e.g. at least one who prefers cats and at least one who prefers dogs) and you could consult all of them separately.

for scientific research, the best way to quickly get an overview on the topic is to use a resource like google scholar or pubmed to search for review articles on the topic. these are articles that summarize and analyze a bunch of the existing studies and put them into context, so that you don't have to read a billion studies yourself. however, this can be flawed and biased according to the author - a quick way to fix this would be to just read multiple review articles and consider what they agree and disagree on. if you want 100% scientific accuracy on every detail, you should critically read a lot of individual studies yourself, but this is very time consuming and rarely does it matter that much lol. just take what you read with a grain of salt, and read several sources if you can. if the actual research papers are too hard to read and jargon-heavy for you, it's okay to turn to other sources that explain the research in a way that makes sense, just keep in mind potential bias!

throughout this process, you'll likely have already been forming an opinion of your own - or maybe you even started out with one. at this stage, you take a step back and look at the big picture. consider which option sounds best according to what you know, what your values are, and what works best for you. but also, consider WHY people disagree with you. that is ESPECIALLY important if your side seems like the obvious choice. why do people disagree with you if that's the case? especially if the split isn't "most people vs vocal minority", like pro- and anti-vaccination; if it's closer to 50/50 or 40/60, really take the time to understand WHY so many people don't come to the same conclusion as you. you do not get to answer this with personal judgements like "because they're stupid" or "because they're evil". really try to put yourself in their shoes. you don't have to change your opinion at all, you don't have to agree with a single word they say. just genuinely consider it with good intentions, and then come to your own conclusion. this is where you really apply critical thinking to your research.

congratulations, you've now successfully come to your own educated conclusion! if you choose to share your wisdom with others, do this in the form of educational posts where you share your research or some of your own reasoning with the public. a wonderful way to make a difference is to paraphrase or summarize some of the research you did to make that information more accessible to the public! what you will NOT do is guilt trip, harass, judge, mock, or otherwise put down other people on the internet! yes, even if they are "the other side", and even if they are "morally bad" or hurting people by disagreeing with you. more harm and hatred won't fix that problem! instead, calmly share what you know and block freely :)

#bark #research #idk how to tag this aksdfhkjsd

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jwcnsz · 3 years ago

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you're perfect, baby

bf!lee heeseung x gn!reader

summary; heeseung comforting y/n and reassuring them that they're perfect just the way they are (i'm crying).

warnings; swearing, mentions of body shaming (??), reader is pretty insecure :(, calorie counting, lots of crying, use of baby and love

genre; heavy(ish) angst, fluff

word count; 900+ (i was aiming for more :( but its okay)

a/n; i've been thinking abt bf hee sm lately i'm so in love with him anyways i want u guys to know ur perfect just the way u are!! don't let anyone tell u different, not even urself. now enjoy, loves <3

you looked at your reflection in the mirror of your room. no matter how you looked at yourself, you weren't satisfied with yourself. your mind was constantly full of thoughts criticizing yourself.

your waist could be smaller... maybe you could work out more to lose some of the belly fat you have... you need to stop eating so many calories and count like before... heeseung probably thinks you need to lose weight too...

that last one stung the most. you never understood how your boyfriend loved you so much even when you didn't have the best body (in your opinion). he could get anyone in the world, you thought. anyone better than you, so why pick you?

you felt the tears well up and slip down your cheeks. he deserves so much better, why you? what do you have that he could possible want so much?

you look back in the mirror. you look at your arms, thighs, belly, even your hands. you just didn't get what he saw. the small whimpers leaving you became full on sobs.

heeseung had just come back from a night out with some friends, he was so ready to cuddle with you and fall asleep with you. his plans were forgotten when he heard crying coming from your shared bedroom. he barged in to find you looking at yourself and sobbing.

he felt his heart break. why are they crying?, he thought as he walked over to you and wrapped his arms around you, putting his head on your shoulder.

"baby, what's wrong?" he asked. your sobs became louder. you wanted to answer him, really, but you couldn't. how do you tell your boyfriend that you think your body is an absolute mess, that he deserves better.

you shook your head and unwrapped his arms from around you. he was confused, did he do something wrong? did he make you sad? "y/n, is everything okay? did i do something?" he asked in a worried tone.

"hee, what do you see in me?" you didn't answer his question. he blinked slowly before answering. "what do you mean...?" you sighed before turning to look at him.

"what's so good about my body? why do you stay with me even when my body is absolute shit?" you let out, holding back a sob. oh no. heeseung was ready to burn the fucking world down.

"baby what? why are you even asking yourself this?" he needed to know how you even got these questions in your head.

you just shook your head and cried more. heeseung hugged you again but this time you didn't try to push him off. he's giving you head pats and telling you that it's okay, to let it out.

when you finally calm down, he sits you down on your bed and holds your hands. "can you finally tell me what's wrong, love?" he asked softly. he tried to sound as calm as possible so that felt comfortable talking to him.

you took a deep breath and started talking. "my body is so ugly. it's not nice to look at at all. i'm just wondering why you're with me even when my body is probably the worst you could find. you have so many pretty girls around you that are so much prettier and better than me... so why me?" you voice quivered with those last words.

heeseung felt himself tear up. he didn't want you to feel like that, he wanted you to know you're perfect to him, to know that you're amazing and that he'd never trade for anyone else no matter what.

"why you? because you're perfect to me, y/n. you're absolutely beautiful. i don't care what you think i think, i want you to know that in my eyes you're the most perfect person to ever exist in the history of ever. ever!"

as he said all this, he started crying. god he was in so much fucking pain just from the thought of you belittling yourself and your body like that. you started crying too. not because of what you thought of yourself but because of heeseung's words.

"you really mean it?" you questioned him. he wipes the tears from your cheeks. "i do. i really do." he answered you.

you both kept crying. he went to hug you and you hugged back this time, crying with each other. "i love you so much. you're perfect, baby. please know that." hee whispered into your ear as you nodded.

"thank you, hee." you whispered out. he smiled and gave you a small kiss, making you smile as well.

"let's sleep, in the morning we can finish talking about this, okay?" he suggested. you nodded and got up to change in your pajamas. when you came back he was already in bed waiting for you to lay down with him.

he patted the side of the bed that was empty. "come here here with me, love" he smiled at you. you walked over to the bed and laid down facing him. he gave you a kiss before hugging you and holding you so, so tight.

he never wanted to let you go, ever. he wanted you to feel comfort from him in that moment. you wanted to cry from how much love he was showing you in that moment.

after that night, hee made it his mission to compliment you every single day. no matter what he would make comments like "you look so good in those jeans." and "that dress suits you so well, baby."

he did his very best to make you feel good about yourself. and it was working so well, all because of him.

taglist <3: @iluvnishi (if u wanna be tagged send a message/ask!)

reqs are OPEN!

#enhypen x reader #enhypen angst #lee heeseung #lee heeseung x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen fluff #enhypen oneshots #lee heeseung x y/n #cried while writing this #i love u guys #i projected too much sorry

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