#or am i going to have a flat tire?
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my car lost a wheel cover last week so i ordered a new one and stressed all week about picking it up and putting it on and then i turned on my car this morning to go get the cover and now the tire pressure light is on. and you know how it just takes one small thing to break you when you're already fragile?
that fucking light breaks me every time.
#it comes on at least once during cooler weather#and it's a simple fix overall: just add air#but that involves finding quarters and going to the gas station and making sure the machine is free and then USING the machine and then and#there are sixteen steps between me and that light turning off again#and until then it just mocks me with uncertainty#is this just a weather shift kicking the sensor?#or am i going to have a flat tire?#and it always seems to turn on right when i am least able to deal with it#it's like it fucking knows#anyway#sugar baby life when???#cress post
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yeah i went and did the simplest anatomy sheet known to pokemon sub species
but i also included Copyright Free name version too
#cuz i think the only pokemon i ever design that look like the pokemon is the hatachi ones tbh#even andan doesn't look like a mew and hes literally a pink cat furry#so like if anyone wanted to make one but didnt wanna make it an eevee u have an alt name for it#my art#art q#ref#angelvee#lopangel#pokemon#eevee#sub species#open species#flat#chibi#maybe ill go back w an actual ref sheet cuz rn i am just too tired to make one
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i’m getting sick to death of this
#fray.txt#SAY WHAT U WILL. BE EXCITED IF U MUST. i am simply tired#these updates are just. things that should have been in release style of updates#the only updates that weren’t that had substance were honour mode update and custom mode update#like are u ever gonna add more gameplay features like new legendaries for new builds#or new races subraces#or artificer and other subclasses#are you gonna expand on wylls story content which feels flat compared to others despite him being more connected to the story esp in act 3#will you give him a proper act 3 and not just give it to the emperor#hell will you add helia back? the cut companion would be a worthy update because she’d be the only short companion …#like i’m just tired.#at these point the updates just piss me off cuz they break mods that are superior to the updates#sure praise finally having evil endings but personally i can only spit at their feet for having the audacity to exclude them#it took over a year for evil players to have actual endings. that’s PATHETIC. we got more kisses before we got actual endings#for evil players in a ROLEPLAYING GAME. in a dungeons and dragons game!!!!!!! beyond unacceptable#idk. just stop updating so modders can go back to adding real content to ur game without worrying about it breaking in the future#there’s so many mods that fill the game with new ways to play to make replays exciting and fresh. will u ever do that lol
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Me: I'm not sure if my health can withstand a commute. Should I try to go in tomorrow?
Apollo: no
Me: should I plan to work from home?
Apollo: no
Me: ...
Apollo:
Me: migraine?
Apollo: migraine.
#(cue it starting immediately afterwards)#i managed to take some painkillers in time to stave the migraine off but i still felt like shit the next day#so i couldnt have worked regardless#this was monday night (and tbf sunday & monday were *extremely* tiring days. i was falling asleep while crocheting & playing ac#which is rare even considering my fatigue issues)#yes/no divination has been great as a way to consult apollo without pulling out the tarot deck (which is more time consuming and takes#a *lot* more spoons)#the only issue is that when i do the stones or tarot i tend to get on a Divination Kick tm which is. not helpful b/c what am i going to do??#i've already finished asking what i needed to ask???#i should probably funnel that burst of dopamine/hyperfixation into researching different methods actually#gonna add that to the routine#also! working out the kinks with the yes/no method. doing it on my floor? no good. inconsistent results. Feels Bad. Loud#doing it on my bed? wonderful 10/10. very consistent results. Feels Good. not loud#i still do tarot on the floor though b/c having a flat sturdy surface is nice#for reference: my commute is 2-2.5 hrs each way via public transit. the sensory experience drains me *very* fast if im not careful and#we're in Purgatory Weather season where it's *juuust* warm & humid enough to maybe be a problem but isnt one For Sure#*and* the state fair is on so the trains are gonna be packed when im trying to get home#coriander says#helpol#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#apollo#theoi#pagans of tumblr#hellenic community#paganblr
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#thinking about how nice it would be to have an actual bed#instead of just sleeping on a mattress on the floor as i have done for the past 13 years#and how nice it would be to have an oven that actually works#(i tried to roast carrots tonight. the recipe said 40 mins at 190 C.#i had to set the oven to 250 C for it to actually reach 190 C. and roast for about 2 hours. and they still didn't get cooked properly)#and all the other things that need to be fixed about my home#(i love my flat so much but the furnishings and appliances desperately need updating)#but every time i start tentatively thinking about making one of these big changes#i get so overwhelmed by the logistics (who takes away the old mattress and oven? how do i dispose of them? how do i choose good ones?)#and then i remember that i am still over 10k in debt with student loans#and that literally a week ago i was calculating whether i'd be able to borrow money from friends for rent if necessary#and survive on lentils and rice and the other stuff in my cupboard for a month if i had nothing left for groceries#and i realize how UTTERLY ridiculous it is for me to even THINK about spending large amounts of money on anything until the debt's paid off#like every single financial advisor tells you that straight up#if you've got loans of multiple thousands of dollars and the interest rate is NINE FUCKING PERCENT#you do not put money away in savings. you do not invest money. you do not splurge on ANYTHING#you scrimp and save. and so that's what i've been doing. for a couple decades now#i'm so tired#and i've been doing this so long that i suspect it's permanently changed my brain chemistry#the mere prospect of taking any financial risks makes me instantly go into shutdown mode#need to get rid of that damn debt. asap. my severance payment is the light at the end of the tunnel for me rn#just gotta hold on till then. and then we'll see#tag rant#poverty#personal#cosmo gyres
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Still haven't processed the book of bill tbh
#I am so sleepy so sorry for the tupos but like.#ere the journal pages real? despite the inconsistencies?#is it a manipulation by bill or just a product of the book being unfortunately written after journal 3. maybe a bit of both?#I literally don't know how to feel about how Bill and Ford's dynamic was portrayed... or what exactly to take as canon.#like he's an abuser. and in the material itself it's like cool we have a storyline about Ford getting out of an abusive relationship yay#but what does it mean for the fandom? and like. like. what was their dynamic like exactly???#I feel like Bill wanted Ford to be obsessed with him? idk I'm to tired to reason but yeah#also. what's gonna happen next? is the soos posession just a tease? where's the website leading?#and when it comes to bill IF he's not lying or mostly not lying then niw we know he has PTSD#and isn't like a purely flat character anymore which opens a ton more questions about his characterisation and mental illnesses etc.#AND I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS LIKE. IT MAKES SENSE? BUT I nEver expected ot to happen#idk I'm probably taking this too seriously it's just a fictional triangle. I'm going to sleep. but his behaviour is still wild
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It’s so insane that my job here got so bad so fast I relate it to loml of all fucking things
#like how did I go from feeling like I was literally born to do this#and having been promoted to BAR MANAGER in 2 months#to feeling like I’m the stupidest idiot alive and genuinely EMBARASSED to be taking up space#in 3 weeks flat#it’s fucking insane#and like#yes dumb misogynistic asshole boss is the answer#but it’s like actually some kind of psych warfare not being able to have a single opinion that’s respected and not turned into an ARGUMENT#like full on argument#it’s just WEARING on me dude#I’m so tired and I am so fucking sad#it should not be like this#whatever you say it isn’t right whatever you do it isn’t enough there’s nothing like a mad woman etc
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oh btw sorry i haven't been able to get to everybody's asks on this blog lol, i have been Quite Tired lately & preserving my answering-questions energy for the blog dedicated to that for the time being
#trousled rambles#when i answered a couple the other day i unexpectedly got wayyy more tired lmao. idk if it was bc of that but i aint risking it!!!!#i'll catch up when its over i promise :> i will never pass up the opportunity to go a little apeshit#in fact i kinda plan on doing a lil compilation post of all the smaller things i intentionally put into the event that arent so obvious#Because There Have Been A Lot#but yeahhh i am having to hold myself back very very much in order to not fall flat so it'll be a min!!
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I-
#am tired asffffff😭😭#my legs after walking for 3.5 hrs today..😭😭arghhhhh#plus the disturbed sleep of night.#i have to go tomorrow too.. this flat hubting is not as easy as i assumed it to be😭😭😭😭😭😭#i got exams on 11 and 14 😭#kill me before that#pleaseeeeeeee#rant
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I don't care about the long-term negative effects of chronic stress, I care about the short term one of all my dreams being horrendous and bad and full of situations that I can't win
#em overshares#this is like the 5th night in a row that i have had dreams where i set out to fulfill a task and am unable to! or the end result is off!#sang a wonderful folk song about a whale but was ultimately unable to find and befriend it#became the proud owner of a Car that is Big Enough for my Belongings but lost them all and now i live there#had terrible sex :/#helped watch someone's cat but they told me he eats plain pasta for dinner and i got sad#on a road trip with my parents and my tires were flat but we couldn't exit the highway and I got pulled over#i am sure im missing some other weird scenarios that my mind has created to make sure my sleep is as unfulfilling as being awake#anyway sorry for over sharing and mentioning sex (a thing many people do and have. except when /I/ talk about it im Gross)#oh wait no i remembered another scenario#having to have sleepovers at people's houses that i barely know so im always uncomfortable and feel bad asking for a glass of water#anyway dream Me is going through it
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i feel like i've been defending why i didn't like [REDACTED] a lot lately because i've been meeting a lot of new people and it keeps coming up in conversation. and whenever i talk about it i feel like i keep adding the caveat of a) i didn't say it was bad, i think it's a very well made film that handles its subject poorly in a lot of ways and i just didn't like it and b) i was never going to like it because of problems i have with both the subject matter and the director, so unless it was something completely unexpected it wasn't going to win me over because it's not the type of film i like even outside of all my issues with it. and i do wish people would take that into account tbh
#like i am not the audience for this guys films i only really really like 1. and that's an outlier#he just doesn't make the kinds of movies i enjoy. so even beyond the ideological differences i wasn't going to fall in love with it#other notable movie that came out this year perhaps even on the same day was more disappointing because i really wanted to like it more than#i did. i definitely enjoyed parts but it did fall flat for me#i DO have a bias against this film specifically whenever i talk about it and i am aware of it and i'm not going to change my mind lmao#i've seen it twice i've TRIED to view it objectively but we are like oil and water#neon has thoughts#you can almost certainly guess what the film is i don't actually know if this post is coherent. just didn't want it to show up in search#mostly bc i am tired of defending why i didn't like it i've written out my thoughts seriously on letterboxd and everything. this post is for#vagueblogging and frustration
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i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested
#yesterday was kind of the wake up call#for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or#not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways#and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the#most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books#95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different#anyway i digress#my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her#i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to#keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally#like i was SOBBING#and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever#and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain#and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant#and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up#and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind#and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going#to the dentist….ok#and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening#like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply#and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so#and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in#when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!
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dear friendly office admin: I am aware that yes, when I saw you three hours ago on my way to pee and assemble chambers downstairs, I lied and said Matilda was not with me rather than explain that she is expected to lie quietly in my office until I come back.
I am also aware that coming to show me YOUR small dog as I was packing up and getting ready to leave was probably intended to be a friendly gesture. it is just that after three hours contorting myself in a hot stuffy basement room to run wires and cut zip ties at improbable angles, I was not especially interested in anyone else's animals. I was going to retrieve my damn dog and gear, slink home, and vegetate quietly in a corner for a while.
and of course Matilda decided to cosplay a rabid badger because this is how she handles soliciting play. because she is a small monster. (no, really. it is bizarre. it confuses the hell out of me. but it does seem to be a desire to initiate play.) and now I feel like the weird disruptive one. I don't even know what that lady does.
#matilda#n.b. while tilda is a service prospect#which is a major reason she usually comes to work with me#to practice being quiet and bored by office environments#I have not really bothered to formally frame that because I do not really want to deal with Being an Educator#and! this is also! my opinion of pet dogs!#if she was just coming to work because she is a busy goblin and CM deserves to be able to sleep after a night shift#I still would not be especially interested in interacting with other people's dogs#genuinely I am at work TO WORK#and one of the ways I handle the privilege of being allowed to bring the puppy with me to work#is that I am careful to try and minimize ANY disruption to my working environment#or for that matter anyone else's#and I am tired and there is CONVERSATION outside my office#and I just don't want to bother#I was going to sketch out the basic tasks I'm beginning to lay groundwork for#largely related to executive function and timekeeping#but ugh too tired flat aggravated
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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i am SO IRRITATED with @support @staff right now
like this detaching a post from its link to each individual reblog in a chain is a NIGHTMARE
-> new hyperfixation, and i'm trying to backread some of the associated blogs that have been around a while, yeah?
and i'm on mobile, which is relevant because hey fuck app users is i guess the motto?
so used to, if you wanted to read a few months/years back on a blog you could: find a tag of theirs, click on a post that was around the time you were interested in, be ported to the blog's dash AS OF THAT TIME IN THE PAST, and just scroll along
but now, because tumblr, for whatever moronic reason, has isolated posts so that
clicking takes you to an individual pane for *only* that post, not where it is on the blog timeline
AND NOW you CANNOT reach a previous reblog from clicking on the username in the reblog (only the og post)
the ONLY way to get back to older posts is to SCROLL MANUALLY FOR LITERAL HOURS
if i want to see posts from 2017, finding an old post and clicking on it does NOTHING to help me - it has been snipped out of its native environment and shown to me, but the other posts available as links at the bottom pane are just whatever tumblr algorithm thinks are 'relevant', not access to the rest of the blog timeline
this is true EVEN ON MY OWN BLOG and
I HATE IT
either make the Archive function work on mobile or GIVE BACK THE FUNCTIONALITY THAT WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD
#tumblr#GODDAMMIT my hand is tired#i KNOW that on desktop you can hotkey around THAT IS WHY I AM COMPLAINING#the are always desktop workarounds for everything it's only mobile users that get treated like trash#give me back a way to click back to 'prev tags' or whatever and GIVE ME BACK A WAY TO 'GO BACK IN TIME' ON A BLOG#that is the entire FUNCTION of a blog or did you blackout everything you know about wordpress somehow?#the point of a blog as opposed to pure 'social media' say twitter is that it fuctions as a RECORD#posts are supposed to remain accessible not vanish never to be accessed after a few days except by direct link#and direct links don't even work anymore!!! bc now you're requiring people to sign in to see posts and comments#plus a native shared link now takes people to the crappy default 'mobile' view of a post not the ACTUAL BLOG POST#that someone made on their ACTUAL BLOG that has their custom theme and header sidelinks bio etc#nowdays if in my notifications someone says something to me referencing my own tags on a post#and i click on that - i CAN NOT navigate back to my own post to see what my tags even were if i don't remember my exact wording#i have to exit notifications go back to my blog and just ... scroll until i reach that old post just to have a reference#like what the fuck tumblr?#i will say it again: STOP FUCKING WITH THE SITE NAVIGATION we NEED that shit this is not tiktok we find posts on OUR OWN#there's a difference between making something accesdible for new people and flat out ruining original infrastructure
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My mother cheating on my father with a guy 30 years younger than her and when we tell her it's disgusting and unacceptable she tries to justify herself like "Oh, this is so Christian moral and catechism puritanism from you" and "This is the patriarchy that's talking".
.... Are... Are you trying to justify your CHEATING on your husband since 1990 on feminism and freedom? ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT, YOU WILL. She thinks she's not in the wrong because, what, fuck her Christian education and she's a woman, she can do anything she wants ? Is she FUCKING KIDDING ME???
YOU CHEATED, YOU ARE CHEATING, YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING FOR MONTHS, YOU FUCKING JERK.
You hurt your husband, you threw him out of the house, you hurt your children, you think you can come back to my father's village? Your youngest daughter is TWELVE, and you're hurting her so much she's bottling everything in so well she could win an Oscar already, AND YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG OR MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE ?
What sort of fucked up imaginary world are you living in that cheating is acceptable. For heaven's sake. She had the galls to tell me "adultery is banal, it's ordinary, everybody is doing it, it's not serious; don't be so dramatic". *screams* Hi, hey, if everybody is jumping off the bridge, are you going to jump too? Have you not PAID ATTENTION? Wars, murders, catastrophes have been done because of CHEATING, it is not a MODEL, it's a warning!!! Wtf, wtf, WTF.
I'm tired, I'm so tired. I have a thesis to write and I can't bring myself to work because my mother is throwing away all her life, acting in a shameful and unacceptable way, and disrespecting her family. My grandfather and my uncle and aunts aren't aware yet, but when they learn, oh boy, they might jump in a plane for Morocco to go yell at her.
Anyway. I'm having a real bad time these days and my only solace, my only salvation, are my sisters and my brother.
#rapha talks#so this rant is on one hand to let you know why i'm not very active right now and on the other hand just to rant bc i needed to get it out#on telling her that there is a real imbalance a giant red flag in her rship with the guy she tries to tell me i'm being patriarchal#Is she fucking kidding me#did she get a lobotomy in secret and that's why she's dropped her brain off and is acting in that unrecognizable way????#because we (siblings+father) are truly starting to believe that she's actually sick for acting like that#she tried to explain that she's free and she can do whatever she wants because it's her life and she can't resist her desires#????????????#I AM CONFUSION#i know you guys don't have all the details in hand but please please tell me we're not blowing things out of proportion#because i'm seriously starting to doubt my sanity my morals and my grasp on reality#i'm having a bad depressive episode right now and the one person who was 50% of my support system is gone#(as an added layer of unhealthiness: the guy in question is 23 + a blackafrican immigrant in morocco undocumented - she's white and settled#yeah there ABSOLUTELY NO aspect of this whole thing that's either sane or moral or acceptable#and i am going crazy and my father is in very bad shape he's not sleeping or eating anymore#and she refuses to question herself or think over her actions#oh and the other thing is that they both (parents) want me to come home to get a job back where i worked last year#her because she wants the money i could bring (my salary last year wasn't mine it all went to the family)#him so i can take a flat and take my youngest sister with me because i'm the second mother and she can't stay with Her and her lover#and i am so tired#so very tired
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