#or act like a little human machine and try to Rid Myself of all emotional surges. or just focus on all the negative things with astonishing

[thebirdandhersong]

songbird's season of general sadness/first real grief/sorrow is coming to an end: (in chronological/journeying order) songs and poetry that helped my heart a lot these past few months :)

Always Good, Andrew Peterson / Marjorie, Andrew Osenga / Ask Polly article I read on a whim: 'My Boyfriend Refuses to Change' / You're On Your Own, Kid, Taylor Swift / One Foot in Front of the Other, Griff / Heavy, Mary Oliver / Monday by @madamescarlette / The Letter, Linda Gregg / Summer's Retrospective by @madamescarlette / Ode to Some Lyric Poets, Gregory Orr

(bonus--from the scraps of writing that came out of this chapter of life, which are slowly being assembled into a more coherent story:)

[rayofsunas]

Hey so regarding inazuma and Baal I have some head cannons and your my favorite writer so I thought I’d just dump them all here.

Insazuma is the nation of eternity right? And Baal is basically the second archon after the original one died off somewhere presumably 500 years ago during the destruction of khaenri'ah.

The vision hunt decree was created for the Perdue of “eternity” and subsequently the people who’s visions were taken lost all their ambition. You get where I’m going here? Maybe Baal isn’t acting out of greed, but are justificing her actions to protect her people? The people of khaenri'ah had ambitions greater than anyone in that world could comprehend; they lived withought the guidance of a God, sought knowledge well beyond their limits and created destructive machines capable of “tilling” an enter battle field. Already we can see a shift in the archons perspective towards celestial- venti stated outright that he doesn’t like celestial, and Zhongli not only retired from his role as an archon but placed several meticulously planned tests to gouge his nations strength and stability in the face of a destructive god. Both nations, in a way, are becoming more similar to khaenri'ah in that they are both Godless, independent, and free from omnipotent influences.

Here’s my theory; The Goddess Baal, before inheriting the title of Archon, had witnessed the massacre and destruction of the khaenri'ah people and in order to prevent her nation from suffering the same fate she had launched the vision hunt decree to remove the people’s ambitions before it consumes them. She has witnessed the power of celestia, and in order to avoid the same fate she has made it her goal to separate Inazume from khaenri'ah in all forms and that’s why she continues on her role as archon instead of watching from the sides like venti or Zhongli.

Another thing, a small spoiler warning for those who haven’t finished the quest

I think people who are emotionless used to be the most emotional and heartfelt kind of individuals. Ayaka describes the Raiden Shogun as a cold and emotionless being, akin to a manager or something (I can’t remember her exact words) and I think that’s because Baal had been planning the decree for a long time now and had to steel her resolve knowing the impact it would have on the common folk. In her mind, what she is doing is better for the lo run and is necessary for the survival of her people.

This is just a theory, I haven’t finished the quest myself but it’s been weighing on me for quite sometime now. Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful day!

SPOILERS + be prepared for my declarations rambles.

YOU’RE SO SMART, AND YOU'VE SPURRED ON MY LOCKED AWAY THEORIES THANKS. and I thought similarly, though now that you mention it, baal behaving selfishly seems like she could be protecting her people. after all, the vision hunt decree only happened recently (I think months to a year before the traveler’s arrival in mondstadt), so something shifted dramatically between the archons and celestial for baal to do that in the first place.

me and my friends chat about theories like this all the time on discord and everything you said makes so much sense! I also thought zhongli stepping away from his role as an archon was not just his way of freeing himself, but his way of seeing how his people would fair without a god (this is legit confirmed i think); and they’ve done just fine, proving to celestia that they’re wrong in believing nations and people need a ruling governing body, like an archon. but I feel like baal is still just selfish, even if she’s doing this to protect her citizens, my gut is just telling me she could be both selfish and also be doing this to protect her people.

but about the archons; my friends and I have tied the archons to tons of real life lore and myths, and something that keeps popping up with all the archons is different types of religion and beliefs; we found out that they each represent or are similar to the seven princes of hell (and there’s something about them coming up in demonology a crap ton too, and the similarities are a bit too similar... PAIMON IS MENTIONED TOO AS A KING OF HELL IN DEMONOLOGY LORE AND THAT'S NOT VERY CUTE.... I HAVE SO MANY THEORIES FOR PAIMON YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!). but I think the archons are like 50/50 bad and good (like they’ve done bad things willingly or not before the travelers arrival aka destruction of khaenri’ah) but celestia is the main antagonist, I’m 100% positive of that.

the hydro archon is said to know not to make an enemy of celestia/the divine, so I feel if any of the gods were to back celestia, it would be the hydro archon. but, this leads me to my first question; what in the world does celestia think about the gnosis’ being taken? I’m gonna assume they may care a little less about venti and zhongli because they’ve basically retired, but the other archons? they’re still active and actively represent celestia, so I’m curious to know what celestia would do when baal’s is taken (we know that she’s the next target, because one of the tsaritsa’s goals is to take them all). will baal be punished since she’s still an active ruling archon, or not? something is telling me she will, but who knows...

and this may sound obvious, but i think the archons represent celestia’s own ideals, although over time with the change of archons and maybe shifted opinions in celestia, said archons have changed and now their actions contradict what their title is, I think the reason behind that is because they’re the original and last reigning archons over their respective nations, but the others? they represent ideals, and some of their actions or just people interfering (harbingers talking the gnosis') have contradicted what they stand for entirely.

for example,

venti (ideal is freedom): his is so ironically obvious, but his gnosis was taken from him, against his will; there's nothing free about that. and he also retired from being an archon, and because of that went into hiding, also nothing free about that either; yet he represents freedom. you see what i'm trying to say? lol.

zhongli (ideal is contracts): nothing for him because i don't know much, but i think it's funny how he represents contracts, which are usually very tedious and there's a lot of depth in them, and he just gave his gnosis up so easily and willlingly (even if he has his reasons) by creating a contract like ???? it's funny to me.

baal (ideal is eternity): I haven’t started the archon quest yet for her, but I know she says she is the most eternal of all and sees herself as everlasting, but she’s legit younger than a good few of the archons (venti and zhongli so far!). I also think the original archons ideal was eternity and that’s what they had hoped for their people, but after the fall of khaenri’ah, war, and their death, baal came into power and realized it would be a threat to celestia if the people believe in eternity (like I said, something shifted severely after the war, because a lot of the original archons died or disappeared and their ideals almost became shrewd and a thing of the past with the new ones who took their places) therefore creating the vision hunt decree to get rid of visions; with more people coming into contact with visions, or maybe even when they realized humanity would be fine without an archon ruling over them, war would break out again and this time celestia would be the target. speaking of targets, this is random, but there’s an overwhelming presence of military surrounding/in inazuma and maybe that’s not just to collect visions and because war broke out amongst the people there, but it’s for protection against celestia and the harbingers (I think the other archons know about venti and zhongli's gnosis' being taken, so they're all weary). if baal were to overthrow celestia or betray them somehow, I’m sure since she’s an active archon they would retaliate.

the dendro archon (ideal is wisdom): the dendro archon is way more obvious, as dainsleif says he’s less than wise, but that’s his ideal... he’s also the youngest, so that’s another contradicting fact; young people are often called unwise.

the hydro archon (ideal is justice): I know nothing about her, but she represents justice. I don’t have a solid explanation for her, but based off of theories and if for a moment we assume celestia is the main antagonist, she is said to be afraid of celestia but seemingly backs them by not leaving like venti and zhongli... considering what they’ve done, I’d say she can’t possibly represent the ideal of justice correctly if what had happened to khaenri’ah was far from just, especially since the archons and celestia were behind it but her ideal is justice?

murata (ideal is war): I have no idea about her at all either, there's not much... but considering vanessa was able to pass into celestia when she died and she's considered the children of murata, I think we'll get more info on celestia then too, and more about khaenri'ah, since she's the god of war. she's gonna have the DEETS I tell you!!

the tsaritsa (ideal is unknown): nothing contradicting for now! she is a bit confusing because of how little info we have, but I have reason to believe she's against celestia, hence her taking the gnosis'. for now, until confirmed, I think her ideal or rather goal is to get rid of celestia. i don't think she has a gnosis or vision tbh, maybe the archon before her did and she's assumed to have one as well or maybe it even got taken away... but, i think that's one of the reasons she's created delusions, they're said to be a lot more dangerous and powerful (i think) than visions too. there's also this thing I found out about the gnosis' being designed after chess pieces, and how although there are 7 archons, there are only 6 chess pieces (pawn, rook, bishop, knight, queen, and king)... meaning one of the archons (not venti or zhongli, because we know what their gnosis' look like) has a gnosis that isn't designed after a chess piece... or in my words, doesn't have one at all. aka the tsaritsa... I think the tsaritsa not having a gnosis fits too snugly with her actions so far. and don't get me wrong! if we assume she doesn't have a gnosis, I don't think she's retaliating because of that, i think she just wants to change or get rid of celestia entirely. like this makes perfect sense because the tsaritsa is the only active archon seemingly and openly going against celestia's ideals, whatever they may be...

and about me saying the archons are "evil" or in the wrong for what happened to khaenri'ah (even if they were forced by celestia), in the archaic petra set, ZHONGLI IS SAID TO HAVE BEEN AN EMOTIONLESS AND MERCILESS GOD WHEN HE SLAUGHTERED COUNTLESS OTHER GODS DURING THE ARCON WAR, in order to fulfill a contract of sorts. this is why I think there were ulterior motives during the war and although yes, for now, it seems the archons were forced into complying during the war, I really think they had some willingness too.

at the end of my ted talk I have come to the conclusion that we can't trust the archons until we know more or celestia like... ever AND I STAND WITH THE REGULAR DEGULAR PEOPLE!!!

[ellewritesathing]

Is It Love?

Summary: Demons don’t fall in love, do they? Especially not with pretty baristas that haven’t any interest in them ... right?

Word-count: 2.3k+

Masterlist

A/N: kinda crazy to think that Infernal is finished for now?? but you guys really love my fluffy clay boi so here’s some straight up fluff that is so sweet you might get a toothache tbh

Demons didn’t fall in love. Depending on who you ask, they didn’t feel emotions at all, but Caliban knew that wasn’t true. Demons felt everything so intensely that they became bored of it. They were volatile, oscillating between highs and lows at the blink of an eye. Demons were Molotov cocktails of emotion, just waiting for something to ignite them. 

And then you fucked everything up. 

No, you said, you wouldn’t go out with him because you had a strict policy against dating bad boys that had been in place since your first year of college. As if you knew anything about how bad he was. He took the rejection and his coffee with a smile, before walking out the door and stealing the first BMW he could find. 

Was it cliche? Yes. 

Did it make some very satisfying groans as the metal wrapped around a tree? Also yes. 

At the time, he didn’t know why it bothered him so much that you’d said no to him. You were human. You weren’t even his type - just a pretty barista at the only cafe he could find that made his coffee strong enough without burning it. Maybe it was because the coffee only tasted right when you made it and he was just projecting. 

Maybe he was just full of shit.

Other than giving you his order, he didn’t say anything else to you for weeks. He was a demon but he wasn’t a prick after all. But one night, he was there later than usual, lost in the pages of his latest book, when you set a large to-go cup on his table. 

“Sorry, angel,” you said with a smile. It didn’t quite reach your tired eyes. “We’re closing now but here’s one to keep you warm out there.” 

“I must have lost track of time,” Caliban said as he closed the book and started to dig the wallet out of his jeans. 

“Don’t worry about it. I won’t tell my manager if you don’t,” you said, waving him off. Caliban tilted his head to the side and parted his lips to say something clever he had yet to come up with when you beat him to it. “You’re here all the time, Caliban. I think if we used punch cards you would’ve qualified for a free coffee a while ago.” 

“Well,” Caliban said. He had a funny feeling in his chest, and the worst part was that it didn’t make him feel like committing acts of vandalism. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; almost anything made him feel like vandalism. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” This time your smile did reach your eyes and you laughed to yourself before adding, “Literally, I guess.” 

The next time Caliban went to pick up his order, a little handmade punch card was waiting on top of his coffee for him, your handwriting scrawled over the top. Ten ridiculously overpriced cups of coffee later, and it was you and him alone in the coffee shop. He’d waited until the end of your shift, trying to get as close to that chance encounter of last week as he could. 

He held the punchcard between his index and middle finger as he flashed you a devilish smile. Catching your eye, he lowered the card to the counter and slid it across to you. “So what do I win?” 

“A free cup of closing shift coffee,” you said, turning to the machine and dipping your head to the side as you thought about something. “That you can drink here while I clean up, if you want.”

“A conversation with a pretty girl and a cup of coffee or the chilling walk back to my motorcycle.” Caliban pretended to think about it. “Whatever will I choose?”

You laughed from behind the counter and rolled your eyes. “Settle down there, James Dean.” 

Instead of trying to say something witty, Caliban obediently pulled a chair up to the counter. He watched as you worked, not minding the attention he gave you as you did. Hands quick and nimble, relying more on muscle memory than active thought to work the machine. 

Over one very strong, very black coffee, he learned that you’d never left Greendale but you were working at the coffee shop to save enough money to leave one day. You learned that he’d been all over, and your face lit up whenever he answered your questions the way you’d hoped. As you cleaned the machines and he swept the floor, he told you about his favorite books and you told him about yours. You talked about music and the best hypothetical name for an indie band that only wrote songs about caffeinated drinks. 

(The Transient Coffee Beans was your best pick, The Bland Bastards was his.)

The tightening in his chest when you locked up the store made him want to set something on fire. He didn’t like these feelings - they were insufferably human - and he needed to do something explosive to get rid of them, or at least that’s what he told himself when you turned to give him another smile. You let him walk you to your car, cursing the cold but refusing to use the jacket he offered you. 

“No, no, no, no, no,” you groaned, kneeling next to your car. You felt around the deflated-looking tire and pulled out your dust-covered hands after a few minutes. Looking ready to cry, you turned and sat on the parking lot floor, back against the tire and head tilted up to the night sky. 

Caliban didn’t know what to say. Demons weren’t known for their empathetic listening skills, and it wasn’t like he’d ever tried to comfort anyone before. “Do you have a spare tire?” he asked when his horrible feelings started eating at his stomach in the silence. 

“This is my spare tire.” Weeks, maybe months, of seeing you working with the most high-strung customers and borderline incompetent trainees and Caliban had never heard your voice sound so strained. You took a deep breath and looked over at him. “You don’t have to stay here, you know. I can take care of myself.” 

“I don’t doubt that,” Caliban said, shooting you a smile that was very carefully lazy and mischievous. It made you laugh. It made him feel gut-punched. “If you want, my motorcycle’s right around the corner. I could take you home and you could fix all this out in the morning light.” 

Your eyes narrowed slightly in a way he’d never seen in the coffee shop. He tried not to seem affected. “What’s in it for you?” 

Caliban shrugged, looking around. “Another fifteen minutes with you.” 

You thought about it for a second before shaking your head and holding your hands up to him to pull you up. You weren’t even a breath away now. “Don’t crash into anything or I’m going to start spitting in your coffee.” 

“Deal.”

You absolutely obliterated Caliban with questions before you’d even take the helmet from him. Nervousness was a cute look on you, as was the slightly lopsided helmet on your head. Caliban’s fingers lingered slightly under your chin after tightening the strap for you, but all you did was smile before climbing on the seat behind him. 

Your arms wrapped hesitantly around his waist, but your grip tightened as soon as he pulled off. Every time he sped up or took a turn, Caliban felt your arms snug around him. It was a dangerous line to drive between reckless enough to keep you close and so reckless that you’d let go and never come back. 

It was pathetic. 

At one of the lights, Caliban stole a moment to look down at your hands. His shirt was wrinkled into bunches around your deathly tight fingers. You consciously relaxed them and sighed behind him, resting your head on his shoulder for a moment. It made his heart skip a beat. 

Like he was in a goddamned schoolboy fantasy. 

You were shaky as you climbed off the bike, clumsily getting to your feet and fiddling with the strap under your chin. Caliban didn’t say a word as you handed the helmet back to him; he was too busy staring at your helmet hair. The word ‘adorable’ came to mind, as did ‘arson’ and ‘absinthe’. 

“Well, thanks, James Dean,” you exhaled when he took the helmet from you, hands touching on the underside. “I might get flat tires more often.” 

“I do have a name, you know,” Caliban said with a not so carefully crafted smile. 

“I know. Quintuple shot espresso, no flavor shots or cream and, for the love of Mary, don’t ask if he’s sure,” you said, with a not so carefully crafted smile of your own. “At least, that’s what I tell the trainees.” 

“Bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?” 

You laughed and rolled your eyes as you started taking steps back to your apartment building. “I’ll see you around, Caliban.” 

Demons didn’t fall in love, that’s what everyone in Hell always said. But Caliban had left that life of torment and punishment behind for the mundane life of making art and committing crime. Any sort of thrill to dust off the familiar rush of adrenaline and ignite some sort of emotion. 

And then you fucked everything up. 

Okay, you said one day as you set his coffee in front of him, here was the deal: you’d go out with him, he’d pick you up at seven but if he was even a minute late then the whole thing was off. He said he understood, thanked you for the coffee, and jumped off the first bridge he could find (sure to teleport before crashing into the river below). 

He knew full well why the jumps and petty crime didn’t make him feel better. For one, they were shit coping mechanisms, but, more importantly, the feelings he had for you couldn’t be extinguished like a kitchen fire. 

His feelings were gasoline and you were a raging fire. 

They burnt bright and hot when you held his hand. Red-hot and violent when you kissed him. Sickeningly electric when your fingers traced his scars and told him he was beautiful. If demons didn’t fall in love, then what the fuck was happening to him? 

What was happening when you held him at night when he couldn’t sleep? (Butterflies. Or a heart attack, more likely). What was happening when you hid your face away every time he asked to paint you? (Stubbornness. He painted you anyway). What was happening when you drank a cup of coffee he made you and tried not to spit it up so as not to hurt his feelings? (Laughter. Also a promise to never, ever make another cup of coffee again). 

And what, if you excuse his language, the absolute fuck was happening to him now that you were away, visiting your family for a few days? 

He’d never been this restless in Hell. 

In Hell, he’d build a sandcastle just to smash it to bits if he got riled up. He’d find some poor soul to torment. He would never, ever cut the sleeves off his shirts just to burn the leftover scraps. He wouldn’t spend hours molding the perfect pottery piece just to break it back down to a lump of clay. And he sure as anything would never, ever drink this much coffee and eat this much takeout. 

It was embarrassing. It was unsightly. It was so very human.

And yet none of the dumb yet legal things he did got his mind off missing you - the only solace he got was the nightly video-chat you shared. He was absolutely disgusting. No better than the foolish lovers that washed up on his shores, joined at the wrists and praying for eternity. 

Not that he was thinking about eternity. 

Not that he was thinking about much of anything when he heard the door click open and a duffel bag drag across the floor of your joint apartment. 

Caliban tossed the book to the side as he threw his legs over the sides of the couch. You were complaining as you made your way to him - could he believe the amount of traffic at this time of day? Jesus, he’d think it was the Second Coming with all the fleeing out of the city - but Caliban didn’t care. Messy hair, wrinkled clothes, snarky upper lip; you were perfect. 

And you were home. 

He wrapped his arms around your waist and twirled you around the tiny apartment, accidentally knocking the table that marked the entryway in the process. Your arms tightened around his neck as you pressed a kiss to his temple before turning to check that it was only the keys that landed on the floor in his frantic need to be held. 

“Woah, calm down, James Dean,” you laughed when he eased you back down to your feet. “I wasn’t even gone for a full week.” You ran a hand through his matted curls and Caliban could swear he’d never felt more at peace. “Miss me that much, huh?” 

“Hard to find a decent cup of coffee when you’re not around,” Caliban mumbled, lips grazing yours as he leaned his forehead on yours. 

You rolled your eyes at his dramatics but didn’t pull away. Instead, you moved your hands to either side of his neck and pulled him closer. “I missed you too,” you admitted after giving him the kiss he’d spent days thinking about. You took his hand in yours and led him to the kitchen. “Let’s make you that cup of coffee before the world ends.” 

No, Caliban thought to himself as he watched your tired hands work a machine of a job you’d long-ago quit, demons didn’t fall in love. 

Luckily for him, when he was with you, he was something else entirely.

Tag List:  @caliban-is-my-girl  @t-a-i-l-o-r-m-a-d-e​  @music-movies  @miss--moose​  @marrypuffsstuff​  @harryscarolinaa​  @igorsbby​  @foji2000​  @mschfavngz​  @artaxerxesthegreat​  @thxmagic​  @luquincy  @strawberriesandknives​  @xealia​  @hotmessindisguise​  @olivia-west-allen  @sweetrogers​  @reheated-coffee​  @shelby-x​  @perseny-blog​  @millie-753​  @luneerius​  @shizzybarnaclee​  @lettherebelovex​

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 3: The Sweet Appeals (Part 1)

Warnings: murder, torture, cruelty, parricide

Author notes: I have a single thing to say, which is, do not read if you feel uncomfortable with very explicit violence... Enjoy!

I had taken only five henchmen with me to complete the task. According to my memories of the mansion, there was no need to have more. The domestics would easily be taken care of, not to mention the owners. They would be wiped out immediately, were we all to enter with machine guns. However, revenge, when killing the enemy was implied, could only be done once. It was a moment I had to savour like a once-in-a-lifetime dish, ephemeral minutes which would become a memory as soon as I would be done. I had to do it properly to enjoy myself. Torturing people was supposed to be a job. Killing them as well. Yet, I was heading toward a cold-blooded murder guided only by desire and bloodlust. I would never be able to justify these actions as "working", but I did not care. That would be a unique experience. Besides, shooting at everyone blindly was an option I could not use, not when I had dared stealing a vial of poison in the pharmacy of the Port Mafia. There was something I had to do in that mansion, other than taking lives.

There was a residential area near the harbour. The mansion was situated there and even had a pretty view on the ocean. It could have been a bliss to just climb to the balcony and have tea, contemplating the sun crashing against the horizon in the end of the afternoon, accompanied by the seagulls' cries and the dying rumours of Yokohama. The silence would fall upon the sea, and the night would take over, calm, imposing. And the moon would soon reflect itself along the waves. I glared at the peculiar balcony, darkly. There were some pleasures in being rich I had never experienced. Only the rotten side of fortune had I known and wanted to eradicate. While these people were feasting and enjoying their life of leisure in a mansion where empty rooms were warmed up, hundreds of men and women and kids starved in the freezing cold of winter. It was unforgivable.

I demanded the men to wait for me outside, for I had a plan which would allow me to enjoy these people's last moments the best. In front of the heavy doors which had violently closed behind me a year ago, I swallowed a pain reliever and knocked, calmly, trying to put on my most friendly smile. It was rather difficult; I had long forgotten how to use my facial muscles. The mansion opened only a few seconds after, onto the familiar butler who had taken care of me during my entire childhood.

"Ojō-sama...!" He exclaimed, nearly choking on his breath "I can't believe it... You're alive..."

Emotions took over him and he wrapped his arms around me to pull me into a tight hug. To me, he had been like my own father, and I knew the feeling was reciprocated. I let myself enjoy these seconds of human warmth, having been deprived for so long.

He had almost made me quit that terrifying mission. Almost.

"You must want to see your parents." He said after a moment "You grew a lot...! Although, you don't seem too well, I am delighted to see you again, ojō-sama..."

"Thank you..." I smiled at him.

I was unused to such sincere words. From him, they were even more precious. He had been the one to teach me words and numbers, the one who had secretly introduced me to my little sister, who had brought meals for me, who had used his own money to buy me decent clothes. Everything a normal child could experience, he had given to me, as much as he could have. I felt extremely grateful to him. Even so, none could say for sure I would not kill him. Everyone needed to be eradicated, and although it made me flinch to think about murdering him as well, I had no choice at all. He would most certainly call the police, and to avoid such a disturbance... Why, ending him was the only way.

"Your family is in the living room. Do you want to give me your coat, to make yourself comfortable?" He suggested me.

"I'm not planning to stay too long..." I declined his offer "I just happened to pass by, so I thought I could at least greet them. I hope they've forgiven me..."

"What for, ojō-sama?" The butler frowned "You did nothing deserving of being thrown away. You are part of this family... I, for one, will never forgive the master for abandoning you."

"Thank you... Again..." I felt tears in my throat "You... You've always been there..."

"Of course..." He patted my head "I am not one to turn a blind eye on such a lovely child... Are you sure you won't remove your coat?"

"Most certainly..." I shook my head, regaining my composure "I feel... Safer, with it."

"As you wish, then."

Indeed, removing my coat would reveal my holsters and would deprive me of the precious pain relievers. The elder man went into the room, surely to announce my presence, then the doors opened on my little sister, whose smile made my heart melt. I thought it had been frozen and made hard by my life in the underground organisation, but the little ray of sun she was could have touched it. Tightly, I held her against me. Truly... I could never harm her. She was the only being I would have regrets killing, along with the butler. I wondered if there was a way to keep him alive... But I would have plenty of time to consider such matters. For the moment, reuniting with those people was my priority.

"Onē-chan! I thought I would never see you again!" Ruriko-chan wrapped her arms around my neck "I was so sad..."

"It's alright... I am there now..." I muttered, patting her hair "You've grown... Do you eat well?"

"After your disappearance, she refused food for a month..." The mother approached me, uncomfortable "She was hospitalised and saw a psychiatrist... Fortunately, she could recover..."

"Is that so...? I am sorry, Ruriko-chan..." I gave the woman a meaningful glance.

"Come on...!" The fat pig whose blood ran in my vessels exclaimed "She was merely quibbling and being difficult about food...! Don't be sorry for being abducted!"

Abducted? Oh, so that was the story they had told her to explain why I had vanished from the mansion. What if I told the truth...?

"I was not..." I let go of the twelve years old girl a moment to face the father

"I was not abducted, but tossed out of the mansion. Have you forgotten?"

"Oh... Oh, well..."

"Tossed out...?" My sister asked.

"It means that your father chased your sister away from home..." The woman explained, much to my surprise.

"Why...?"

"Because I was a hindrance." I huffed "But also because I tried to kill him. Well, I suppose I was not completely innocent... Let's be honest, nonetheless; that was just an opportunity to get rid of me, wasn't it? Whatever... It's all in the past now...! I have learnt forgiveness after all..."

"Well... Let's drink to forgiveness, then...!" The man was suddenly quite uncomfortable "Would you like to have tea with us? The chef prepared some pastries, too..."

"With pleasure, then." I smiled, sickly sweet.

We all sat around the table, where lovely cakes were displayed for us to eat. Since I was there, I made myself comfortable and enjoyed the sweetness as much as I could. After all, some sugar would not hurt. And I had not eaten properly for months.

"Is there something you want? I can ask for it." The man suggested.

"I am fine, thanks for your concern." I chuckled.

"Onē-chan, onē-chan! Tell us what you did, then...! I want to know how you managed to live...! Is it like in adventure books?" Ruriko-chan asked.

I wiped away the cream on her mouth with a towel. The woman blemished and darted her eyes from me — as always, anything about me made her uncomfortable.

"It is very different from books, but I'll tell you my story." I said "First, I was very lonely. I didn't know how I could survive, all alone in the streets, without any money, food, clothes... I happened to end up in the slums of Yokohama. It is a place with many homeless people, just like I was, but it isn't somewhere I'll ever take you. There, I met thieves, who taught me how to steal so I could eat."

"That's so cool...!" Her eyes sparkled "So, you can pick up locks like they do in the movies...?"

"I can." I laughed "But the thieves were unlucky... We wanted to rob a jewellery, just like real burglars, but we were caught... And everyone died... The owner of the shop was a powerful mafia, and I was nearly killed, too, but I ran away so fast they could not catch me!"

"Woah...! You're stronger than the bad people...!"

"Of course I am... I am your big sister, after all..." I took a sip of tea, relishing in the parent's horrified expressions.

The father only seemed to realise what had been the consequences of his act, while the mother... Well, the mother was trembling, face down. I could not quite see if she was crying or not. Not that I cared.

"What happened next?"

"Next...? Mmh... I left the shallows to live in the streets. I thought I could pickpocket people, you know, stealing their wallet. That's what I did. Then, I met someone, a very nice man." I recalled.

"Is it thanks to him that you are there...?"

"You could say that, I suppose... He and his wife took care of me for a moment. They were nice people, and they had a little girl who reminded me of you." I poked her nose "One day, they dressed me up, and we left..."

"Where did you go...?" The woman finally spoke up, out of breath.

"All the people you meet in the streets don't bear good intentions... I learnt that when I found myself in an underground auction. It's a place where they sell illegal goods, like pieces of art, slaves... I was sold, too. My new owner was an old man."

"... How did you escape...?" Ruriko-chan frowned.

"At first, I didn't. He tried to rape me in his car, but I threatened him with his gun and forced him to free me. In fact, I killed him and his chauffeur, then put the car on fire and washed in the river." I stated calmly, as though such events were normal.

"You... You killed them...?" My sister sounded less impressed "That's horrible...!"

"Right? It was only the start of the horrible path I chose." I put a piece of cake in my mouth "Afterwards, I met a strange cat, which somehow guided me to a man. He is the one who took me in and gave me a job. His name is Dazai Osamu."

"Is he a good man, onē-chan...?"

"Oh, he isn't. But your sister isn't a good person either. She makes a living by blackmailing and murdering people for the Port Mafia, under the orders of Dazai-san. She does the best she can in order to buy pain relievers which relieve nothing at all. That's the kind of life I have. That's the kind of life your parents gave me." I glared at them "Thank them, for turning your sister into a criminal."

"Yōko, it was never my intention —"

"Shut up." I demanded the father, curtly "Even if it wasn't your intention, you abandoned your then fifteen years old daughter in the streets. It isn't the behaviour expected from a parent... It isn't how you treat your children...! But whatever was done is in the past... Today, I came for one thing; working."

"W-What...?"

"Why, one way or the other... You offended the Port Mafia... Which requires to be executed."

I stood up to lock the door, then shoved the key in my pocket before turning toward them.

"No one leaves this room. Alive, at least." I gave them my most wicked smile.

"How can you — No! Let me out!" The man ran toward me.

I punched his stomach, so hard he coughed and fell down onto his carpet.

"Your wife and daughter were threatened to death and you think about yourself only. Pig." I spat on him, kicking his face harshly "I shall take care of you first."

"Why?! Why did you come??" He cried loudly.

"Why? It seems the Boss is displeased with you. That's why."

"But I didn't do anything!!" He squealed, covering his head.

"Are you saying the Boss is arbitrarily suppressing you?" I snarled "Even he seems more righteous than you. At least..."

I crouched down to pat his cheek, my gestures frighteningly soft. Ah, he was so weak, completely at my mercy. I could break his neck, cut his jugular and ruin his face, he would not be able to do anything. Was this power? Strength? Was that how Dazai-san felt when he looked down at me?

I brusquely slapped his face, taking pleasure in this violent act. I had always, deep inside, dreamt of doing this.

"Thanks to you being a jerk, I will live!!" I cackled, repeatedly kicking and beating him "I will live!! Live!! And you will die, by the weakling's hands!!"

He was spitting blood by the time I was done with him, and his entire face was reddened by the bruises I had inflicted him.

"Why did they send you...?" His ordinarily smug voice was reduced to a murmur.

"They did not." I hummed, rejoicing in seeing realisation in his eyes "I requested to come."

"Yōko onē-chan! Why do you do that?" Ruriko-chan sobbed in the mother's chest.

"Because..." I exhaled, retrieving some of my sanity "I saw and lived things I wish you will never experience... Because of those people's fault. I know what hell is, I know what suffering, yearning is. I hope you will never count the days left to survive."

"That's not true!! That's not true!! Mother didn't want —"

"What did she do when that pig threw me out?!" I barked angrily "This woman was never good at anything but darting her eyes away from my pain!! Don't talk about things you don't understand... When you witness but do not act, it's the same as being an accomplice!"

I suddenly pulled out a gun and shot at the man, who was aiming at me from behind. It only wounded his hands, making him drop his gun. Fortunately, there was no stray bullet.

"Y-You..." His eyes fell onto his missing fingers.

His scream echoed in the entire mansion, and I noticed the other covering my sister's eyes and ears to prevent her from seeing the scene.

"This is troublesome..." The inner pulses of violence came back "I originally wanted to torture you in the crudest ways I know of, but you leave me no choice but to suppress you. Or perhaps..."

A mad idea crossed my mind, and my face was darkened by the cruelest smirk. I walked toward him, and grabbed his valid hand without any delicacy, to put a gun into his hands.

"You seem to value your life a lot more than others'. Perhaps can I let you stay alive if you shoot your little girl? Mmh~?"

"How can you —"

"I may be a monster, but then, you are far worse than the lowest garbage on earth." I glared at him "Besides, thoughts do not betray... If you understand my words~"

"I have to do it! I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"

Absentmindedly, he walked toward his wife and daughter, pointing the barrel toward them.

"Husband, you can't do that!" The woman jumped toward him, taking the gun into her hands without fearing he could press the trigger.

I looked away, opening my box of pills to relieve the forming headache. All this noise, the ruckus and brouhaha, had my head banging loudly, and I, for once, wished I was not there. The woman's behaviour was particularly disturbing; why would she take action for Ruriko-chan while she... To me... I did not understand her, and could not hear her thoughts... Never had I been able to.

"Mother!!" The strident scream of my sister broke my thoughts as a gunshot resonated around us.

As expected from such a situation, the pig had accidentally shot his wife, right in the middle of the chest, as they were fighting. I sighed heavily. One was done.

"Mother!! Mother!!" My sister ran to the woman, whose body had fallen to the ground.

Blood was quickly pouring onto the expensive carpet, and when I realised the same liquid ran through my vessels, I felt nauseous. This was... My attention was drawn toward the man when he disgustingly headed toward my sister, the gun pointed right toward her head. She shut her eyes tightly, but the hit never came. I had taken him down first, with my second gun.

"It is the end befitting you, cowardly bastard." I cursed.

Ruriko-chan was crying, and crying. I could not even distinguish her sobs from her hiccups, and her face was soaked by tears. I crouched down next to her, and took her in my arms.

"No!! Are you going to kill me too??" She fought back, but I did not let go of her.

"I won't." I promised "Now, listen to me, attentively, if you want to live."

"H-Huh...?"

"I am not alone. I have a squadron, and they are waiting for me outside. However, they will kill you if you don't follow my instructions." I pulled out the vial I had stolen "This will stop your heartbeat during an hour or two. You will look as though you are asleep, and they will think you are dead. You are going to hide behind the couch, and nobody will find you there."

"Why should I believe you?!" She protested "How do I know you aren't trying to kill me?!"

"Because you are the only family I've ever had." I admitted, sincerely "I did not come here to kill you, but to kill them. When you grow up, you can do whatever to me, but now, you have to listen to me."

I took her hand and brought her behind the couch, where I made her lie down.

"It is odourless, and colourless." I opened the vial "And painless."

"When I grow up, I'll make sure you rot in jail!" She glared at me and drank the liquid.

"You know..." I stroked her hair as she slowly fell asleep "There is no meaning in this life, yet we can't help going on, desperately clinging onto whatever mean we have to survive. However, if you have a purpose, you can keep going on, more easily..."

"What is yours...?"

"That's the point..." I cracked a gentle smile "I don't have one..."

"It's a pity... Be prepared to be arrested... For your crimes... I'll see that you are..." She whispered, her eyes closing.

"I'm looking forward to that..." I checked her pulse.

None. I stood up, and pushed the couch so no one would be able to see her, even if they entered. Casually, I shot the doorknob to exit the room, forgetting about the key, but on the way out, I heard someone talking.

"Yōko...-chan..."

The woman was still alive!

"Still yearning to live? Your time's up, though." I hissed.

"I will die, anyway... But I... Thank you, for Ruriko-chan..." She feebly said.

"I did it for her, not for you." I defended "The bullet didn't touch your vitals, that's why..."

"Before you kill me... You have to know..." Her hand extended toward me, but I did not take it "The name of your ability..."

"Oh, I've long forgotten it." I huffed "Any last will?"

"It is The Sweet Appeals..." She smiled "I only desire that my daughters... Can have a good life..."

She died from haemorrhage. I lowered my gun, and barged out of the room, angrily.

"Don't say that after abandoning me, you silly woman!" I mumbled, passing in front of the servants' horrified look.

"Ojō-sama, what's wrong...?"

Upon seeing the butler's face, I almost burst into tears, but I held back my need to fall into his comforting arms and pointed my gun toward him.

"I... I did something horrible..." I barely muttered, voice trembling "I... I killed them... All..."

"Ojō-sama..." He exhaled, hugging me nonetheless "It's alright..."

"I-Is that so...? You... Aren't going to call the police...?"

"Of course, I'll have to, but —"

The bullet landing in his forehead stopped him from ever finishing his sentence and he fell down onto the floor. I regained composure. It was the right thing to do, after all. I could never go back now. Once I was out, I whistled, giving the signal to my men.

"No one leaves as long as a soul is alive in there." I ordered and stayed at the door.

The maids were all killed without any hesitation, their screams of fear and agony mixing perfectly well with the noise of the machine guns. Wordlessly, I emptied the box in my mouth, swallowing all the pills I had left, but it did not relieve my headache. However ecstatic I had felt earlier, there only remained a weird emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I could not find the satisfaction I had looked forward to when receiving the order to kill my family, and I disliked this frustration.

At least, I could have erased my past and my regrets to fully focus on my days in the Port Mafia.

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[momtemplative]

Summertime.

Summertime is fucking awesome for a kid.

I remember entire days—chunks of days— that were spent at the pool, with Will Smith’s SummaSummaSummaTime bumping through the loud speakers while we ate nachos with fake cheese for lunch with our wrinkly, chlorine-sodden fingers. For months, everything smelled with a hint of chlorine and freedom. Open expanses of time were glorious.

Then I had kids. 

With kids and summer, there is a lot to consider, a grand choreography to uphold. I always lose sleep before summer. It feels as if my role jumps from “parent” to “coordinator of peace and good times for three straight months,” (even typing all that was exhausting), where everyone is entertained, but not too entertained, happy, but not overly happy, everyone has a routine, but plenty of time for spontaneity, and so on! YAY!

Like all grand puppet-masters, I feel deeply anxious before the show even begins. Damn you, summer!

Summer is just the right length where we can get through it, at times gliding through mercifully, at times, hanging on to all the tow-ropes and oh-shit handles we can find along the way. The number of kid meltdowns and sibling fista-cuffs greatly increases as we near the finish line. The phrase, “We’ll try and get you some space,” is utilized daily. Then, when school starts again, we all heave a sigh of relief that is audible for blocks. 

I wasn’t fully aware of the amount of time and energy that went to keeping the machine-of-summer afloat. Until COVID and our involuntary exposure therapy. We were thrust into “summer” two-and-a-half months early, without warning and without any external supports. It felt like some bizarre test in endurance. Like our human capacity for resilience was being evaluated for future generations. There was no more just getting through. We were thrown in way too deep for that. We had to figure out how to function, how to grow and maintain sanity because, for this version of summer, there really is no finish line.

After the first two COVID-weeks of being at home with the kids, no work or school (or online school at that point), no activities or playdates, no outside world to depend on, I fell apart. As in, to pieces—the way one does when they are trying to hold everything together. The uptick in fights, tantrums and explosive emotions, with no end in sight, was too much to process.

After a few hours of wallowing, I picked myself up and pulled down a pile of books from the shelf that have added perspective in the past—Siblings without Rivalry, The Wisdom of No Escape, Care of the Soul. The words were nice, but nothing cut through the wall of despondency. So I pulled out my phone and searched “Siblings Fighting” on my Janet Lansbury podcast, smearing tears as I went.

(A note here on Janet Lansbury. As a parent of young kids, no one person has benefited my faculties, mental health and wit more than Janet. Her podcast is rich with real-life wisdom that changes the experience of parenthood for the better.)

In the random sibling-titled podcast that I discovered—from years ago, but still, obviously, totally current—Janet was replying to a woman who had three young kids and was losing her mind trying to maintain tranquility in her house. The woman said something to the effect of, it would have been so much easier if I’d only had one.

To this, Janet replied with what felt, to me, like a beautiful and classic snap-out-of-it moment. She said, No. I disagree. Followed by something to the order of this: When you have one child, you can still live under the illusion that you can keep everyone happy. When you have two kids, you start to see that it’s really tough, damn near impossible, to keep everyone happy and peaceful, but you may still try. With three kids, you have the gift of experiencing first hand that the jig is up! No matter what kind of tiny-statue-winning show you maintain, there is no way in hell you can keep three young kids peaceful all the time. So you are forced to stop trying. 

I came to the conclusion that COVID is my third child. 

And with that thought—like the scene in Mary Poppins where the messy room gets magically tidied as if from an internal intelligence all its own—my insides were completely fresh, organized, and updated. My energy quadrupled.

With the externals turned down, with nowhere to go, and all of us cohabiting the same tiny shoebox of a house, it’s not going to be business-as-usual for quite some time. And we’ll all fare better with adjusted expectations. We are all in a fishbowl and, while clocking in endless hours together, I saw right-quick the laundry lists of things I feigned having control of: my girls and their interactions, potty training for Ruth, the weather (which rules if we can or cannot get outside), my mood, Jesse’s mood. 

Janet says, wake up expecting turmoil—then you won't make it your job to live free of it, get rid of it, fix it, numb it. Discord is healthy. Emotions are healthier. Don’t dive in and ride the waves with your kids, stand back and watch, give them space, be there for them to come back to shore. The last thing they need is a mom who is also out of breath, scraped up and with sand in her ears. I don’t need to be Queen Empress of their journey as siblings. I don’t need to have a say in every nuance, every detail and pixel of this habitat. 

And, she says, give yourself permission to flounder, too. Always, but especially right now. Some moments just feel brutally claustrophobic—we can be ready for that. A few days ago, I started crying while Jesse was giving me a shoulder massage. No warning, just did. I had a major-headache and I couldn’t think straight. Opal said, “Mom, are you crying?” SO defensive, I said, “I feel like I’m under a magnifying glass!” and ran out of the room. And sometimes it just goes like that. (I apologized to Opal soon thereafter.) If my emotions are coming out sideways like this—at 42 and with thousands of dollars under my belt spent on therapy—imagine what our sweet kiddos are going through!

And sometimes things settle organically into their rightful place, without force or manipulation. Today, I was lying on the floor in the hallway—not an unusual sight in the middle of the day for me to have my legs up a wall for a short period of time. This time, Ruth was in the bathroom in the tub, the door open to my right. She was acting out a full drama with her Elsa and Anna barbies. Opal was behind her bedroom door, which was closed, reachable by raising my right arm. She was doing her singing lessons over Skype, crooning her gorgeous little heart out. Jesse was behind door number three, our closed bedroom door, easily reached by my left hand. He was talking on the phone in hushed tones to who-knows-who. Three completely separate worlds were happening peacefully, simultaneously, all within my arm’s reach. It was a tiny little subculture, and I was in the middle, observant and spacious, not expending even the slightest molecule of energy. 

If anything, I was bolstered as a part of this whole, the Grimes system, my family.  And there were a few cherished minutes to get lost inside of that settled feeling, which is becoming less and less rare, before Ruth hollered that she needed to pee and I snapped back to attention. 

So here we are, nearing the end of the first official week of summer. No public pool or Will Smith or finger-paint-yellow nacho cheese. I can’t quite fathom a summer without any of the norms—camps and playdates and travel. For now, no public places, parks, or our blessed little library.

Things are starting to slowly open again, though I suppose they have been for weeks now. We have taken two magnificent walks with our close friends—socially distanced and masked. It’s still strange, but a step forward, no doubt. Cultivating moments of connection like these, situations hinged in community—even if virtual—are key in maintaining some sense of equanimity as time moves forward. 

(PS: This is utterly different from the work of the puppet-master.)

Though time feels anything but linear. I flash-forward to the image of my daughters ten, twenty, years from now, reminiscing about the COVID era with their friends. (Six feet apart on walks, remember? The masks, OMG, the MASKS!) I think back to when I was a kid and scour the already-murky memories for some example of a comparable viewpoint, something I can offer to my girls, tell them I had been through something similar when I was their age. But I come up with nothing, nada. 

We are all writing this story as we go.

May 27, 2020

[nymphl]

Lie to Me - Hux x Reader - Ch. 5 - Safety & Danger

A/N - Hi! Welcome to chapter 5 of Lie to Me: Safety & Danger. In this chapter there are a few words in Ryl, but don’t worry the translation are in the text. I felt that it’d be easier to understand without having to go back and forth in the Notes to know what the characters are speaking. But fear not, it’s just a few expressions xD I hope you like it! 

Summary: Falling for the enemy… That’s probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Letting him live… for he should be dead. And you should’ve been the one to kill him. You had him, right there… and you let it escape through yours fingers. He lived. And now only the time could tell if you made the right decision — more likely wrong — by saving the amnesiac General of the First Order and telling him he was your husband. [Hux x Reader - Hux x You]

Warnings for the entire story: Will contain at times; graphic violence, sex, drugs and manipulation, coarse language and OOCness.

AO3 Tags: from enemies to lovers; eventual romance; memory loss; fake marriage; fake marriage becomes real marriage; rebellion; married couple; canon divergence; slow burn romance; politics; rebel alliance; resistance; first order; OOCness; eventual smut; eventual sex; power play; power dynamics; syndicate; lies; you lie; Hux lies; Hux backstory; manipulation; political alliances; political betrayals; secret organizations.

Wordcount: 4444. 

PREVIOUS CHAPTER  *** NEXT CHAPTER

THE SUN WAS HIGH IN THE SKY WHEN YOU WOKE UP IN THE NEXT DAY. You rubbed your eyes and looked at the other side of the bed.

Empty.

A relieved sigh left you.

It would be… awkward, to say the least, to wake up beside him. You cried yourself to sleep in his arms last night and you could not feel more ashamed now. It was something that happened to him — in his very distant past —, but you could not help but feel sorry for him. No human being should ever be allowed to see and to suffer what he suffered in life.

You did say he was not a monster.

Well… You knew very little of him and news travelled in a lazy pace in Dantooine, so you did not really know what he was capable of — or what the First Order demanded of him — but you knew that if you had had a child, he would not take them away from you. Not that you would allow it either.

Running your fingers through your messed hair, you left the bed and walked towards the kitchen. You dreaded looking at your face in the mirror — it was probably red and swollen from crying.

Kriffs.

You should definitely get a grip of your emotions. Getting emotional every single day would not do. You told yourself that it was only natural… He did not know who he was, but his horrible past was still fresh to him as his new wounds, and you were lying to him… It put too much on your shoulders. You feared some of these days you would not be able to take it any longer and tell him the whole truth.

You can’t!

Biting the inside of your cheeks, you put some tea in your mug. He had made breakfast again. You could not complain, for you had to leave for the hospital shortly, and it spared you some time, but it was impossible not to notice how he seemed to have taking a liking to feeding you. That… or he did find your cooking skills less than palatable. And considering how skilled he was at about pretty much everything, that could not be much farther from the truth.

Great, now you’re worried that he doesn’t like your food.

You shook your head and stared out at the windows. He was outside. Training. Exercising his body. Or whatever you would call someone doing sit-ups and push-ups at such fast pace. He looked like a machine.

Not much of a fan of exercising yourself, you did not get the reason why he was putting so much effort into it. You did go for a jog sometimes, for you understood the importance of staying active, but you did not go past that.

Bringing the food he cooked to your lips, you continued to watch him, your thoughts far away. You recalled the few times in which your husband did the same and how he would complain at how little you exercised yourself.

That made your throat close a bit.

It seemed like a decade went by since you last watched Aquilla climbing up the trees and urging you to follow him to the highest branches.     

You shook your head when he stopped at the threshold; arms folded at his chest. You gulped and looked down at your plate. A low, almost whispered Morning came out of your lips, before you busied with the food once again.

As expected, he did not respond. He was really not a man of many words and definitely not one up to small talk. Very different from Aquilla, who would question every single detail your day, even if he were present in most of them.

“Did you sleep—

“I am sorry—

The two of you spoke at the same time. He tilted his head a little, allowing you to continue. You breathed deeply through your nose and looked at him.

“I am sorry for yesterday.” The words came in a rush, but you felt the need to continue, so you kept them coming, “I feel rather stupid now. I shouldn’t have cried so much.”

He continued with his head lightly tilted to the side, staring at you with those impossibly blue eyes. It seemed he was drinking in your form, so intense was his stare. There was no word of dismissal — as Aquilla would have said, in an attempt to comfort you —, nor any act of kindness.

You bit your bottom lip. This man, this very man in front of you was nothing alike your late husband. They were as different as night and day, and air and earth. Completely opposites. And it made no sense that you kept comparing them or trying to find common traits between them.

Perhaps you thought that if they were at least a little alike, you would feel less guilty about housing the enemy? For he was an enemy. His act last night could not fool you. If he knew… — Kriffs, one day he would! — he would not spare you a single glance. If he held you last night, if he kissed your temple and nursed you to sleep, it was because he felt some sense of duty towards you. Contrary to Aquilla, he would never do that to anyone else.

He approached you, and only when he had his hand around your throat, keeping a firm grip around you — not enough to crush or hurt you, but to force you to stare at him — you realized that if he ever wanted, he could kill you without mercy.

Would…

You were not so sure anymore.

Eyes widened, you placed your hand around his, trying to break free from his grasp. He did not bulge. Unable to breathe properly and totally out of despair — something that your late husband always disapproved in the few times he got to spar with you — you scratched his hand, or tried to, and brought your knee to his crotch, only to be intercepted by his hand. He moved your knee out of the way and pined both of your hands behind your back, turning you around and placing one of his legs between yours in order to keep you imbalanced.

His breath was warm against your ear when he spoke the next words, “Your reflexes are in very poor shape.” Your heart was beating so fast and your blood pumping so loudly, you could barely hear what he said. The General let go of your arms and steadied you by placing a hand in your hip. He continued, but it seemed he was talking to himself rather than you, “I find it odd that I did not train you myself in all these years.”

Blast!

How were you going to explain that? What were you supposed to say?

With your lip trapped between your teeth, you came up with that you thought to be the best excuse, but that he would find the lamest ever, “You never felt the need to.” You licked your bottom lip, “You are strong enough to protect us both.”

You thanked the maker you were back-turned to him, so he would not see you grimacing. That was not only the worst excuse, but it was also a certification of your uselessness.

And there were very few things you hated more than feeling useless.

At least you hoped to have… stroked his ego?

His snort made it clear that you had failed… completely. Beautifully.

“That does not sound like myself.”

Well… That made you feel really good about yourself.

“Rather stupid and illogical decision,” he continued, his breath still caressing your skin. You shuddered. Couldn’t he just let you go? What was with him and talking to you while he kept you within his arms and unable to look at him? It made you feel rather… helpless. “It is hard to believe I would jeopardize your safety for the sake of my ego.”

“Well, that’s the truth, my Lord,” you chimed in, now a bit angry with him for keeping you in that damned position. You tried to break free, but he did not allow. Breathing deeply in your ear, he dug his fingers into your hip, which made you gasp in pain.   

“Your movements are clumsy,” he stated, loosening his grip around you. He turned you around and this time made you face him. You did so unwilling; your eyes hiding nothing of your resentment. “Efficient to get rid of a lesser opponent, but anyone stronger could easily break you.”

You were ready to ask him if he was quite done showing off his superiority. If not about his ego, what was this all about? You could not come to a conclusion. You just knew that at this very moment, you regretted saving him.

The very thought made you gasp.

That was so unbecoming of you… But to feel angry, to feel resented was only human, you told yourself. And anyways, no matter what you thought now, the reality was could not be more different. You did save him after all.

If there was any chance of going back, you certainly would save him again. And again and again.

Even if that was the stupidest decision ever.

“Tomorrow morning you will train with me,” he started, and you opened your mouth to disagree. The expression on his usually emotionless eyes had you exhaling loudly through your nose. “I shan’t ever see you reacting like…” He regarded you with disgust. “…this with anyone, even if it is me bringing you harm.”

You were now fuming.

“Did I make myself clear?”

You could not believe him. He was in full General mode and completely ordering you around. You knew that wives were supposed to obey their husbands — they were their properties in Dantooine, even if you did not agree with this ridiculous law —, but you could not bring yourself to say anything.

When he tilted your head and looked right through your eyes, his bluish orbs intense and persistent, you mumbled a very irritable Yes.    

“Yes, what?”

“Please, you are not making me do that.”

The glint in his eyes told another story, however. Yes, he was definitely doing that.

Kriffing bastard!

“Yes…” You swallowed your pride and whispered a General at the end.

You were happy that he did not say anything else. Instead, he inched closer to you and brushed your lips against yours as if saying you were a good girl. Or pet. Or servant. Or anything else but his wife.

Closing your eyes, you did your best not to bite his lip… hard — your mind screamed you should try it one of these days, since he liked so much getting physical with you. Thank the Maker you had to go to the Hospital today. Or else you would have probably sunk one of the kitchen’s knives in his back when he last expected.

The day at the hospital was tiring to say the least, but fulfilling as well. In spite of the terrible situation the entire city fell in since the last attack, you could not say that had been a horrible shift. For two main reasons: one, no one had died on you and two, but most important of all, you had stayed away from the General.

You did not like the tiniest bit how he teased you and exposed your weaknesses. Aquilla would never do that — and you could not help but compare the two of them again —; he would respect your limits and your wishes. He would never force you to call him by his title.

Aquilla was also not a man used to command utter respect from others as well and having only his desires considered, which was the total opposite of the General.

You sighed. You knew that this grudge was irrational. In the end, your husband only wanted what was best for you — or he himself; you were not sure yet — but he could have approached the issue very differently.

The question is, did he know how to do it?

Shaking your head, you entered the house and found him at the threshold waiting for you — or so you thought by the way he greeted you. He took the bag of supplements you were carrying and brought you to his arms. Your heart sped at that — it was simply inevitable how he used every opportunity to touch you — and you did your best not to squirm or try to break apart — get used to it! you told yourself — when he lowered his head at you. Instead of bestowing you with his kiss, he spoke against your lips in the most silent of murmurs, “Someone followed you here.”

You looked at him as if he had grown thirty heads.

He was wrong.

“No one followed me here,” you whispered back, holding onto his arm. No one would ever follow you back home, right? You always made sure not to let anyone know where you lived, a feeble attempt of keeping your own peace and the villagers in reasonable safety.

Reasonable because you knew it would be impossible to hide and protect anyone, for too long at least, from both the First Order and the Resistance as well. Not to mention the Syndicate.

He pulled you inside and closed the door behind you, keeping you against it. Your heart hammered in your chest, but you did not open your mouth, not when he had his finger placed upon his lips, ordering you to keep quiet.   

You knew that after your husband passed away it would take little time for them to seek you — or at least since they knew of his passing, for you made sure they took their sweet time locating you.

It’s ironic, because you wanted to tell General Organa, but you were afraid what telling her would do to your planet. You had seen with your own eyes how the endless fight between the two military parties left Dantooine. You did not want a reprisal.

You even opened your mouth to argue, but he glared at you. The General moved away from you and walked around the house, approaching the windows, where he watched the — according to him — stalker.

It was not night yet and the sun was still in the sky, so he could clearly see what took place outside. Moving from your spot, you went for the first object you saw — a knife — and walked back to the door, totally forgetting that you had his blaster attached to your hip. You had taken it before you left for the hospital, afraid that he may find it and… you did not know… use it on someone? Well, better be safe than sorry.  

“Behind me,” he commanded, looking at your hip. His narrowed eyes told you his exactly thoughts. Reading him had never been so easy. If the situation was any different, you would have smiled, but you had to disagree with him. And this time you had no problem doing so. You placed a hand on his chest and forced him to gently back away.

“No.” You shook your head. “You stay behind me. It could be a mere villager seeking a healer.”

Even if you knew he was right and you were wrong, you could not help but argue. Your heart continued to beat loudly in your chest, making it difficult to concentrate on the approaching steps.  

“Do you know this villager?” he shot back.  

You bit your bottom lip.

He was right.

For kriffs’ sake. Why did he have to be always right? It was annoying! And how you hated that he was right.

“Mrs. Syndulla.”

Oh, for the maker!

It was definitely someone from the Resistance. No one else called by your husband’s name anymore. In Dantooine, widows were known by their maiden name or not referred by anyone at all. It was a weird custom, but everyone got used to it after some time, and considering most people addressed you either by your status as healer, it did not make much of a difference.

Hux looked at you through narrowed eyes; the question crystal clear in his blue orbs. You opened your mouth and this time he motioned for you to keep going.

“Answer the door.”

You were not sure you should, but you did. By the time you touched the doorknob, the General was gone.

There was no time for any greetings and questions for as soon as the Resistance member — you had never seen him before — entered the house, he pointed his blaster past you.

It had never occurred before and you did not know how to act.

“Who are you? Who are you looking for?”

He did not shift his attention to you, but warned all the same, “Drop the weapon.”

You did not realize you were holding firmly onto the knife till he ordered to let it go. You tightened your hold over it, not really sure why you did it. Out of despair, maybe. You just hoped the General would stay hidden until you dealt with this situation.

It is… If that was something that could be dealt with.

“You should never have helped him.” His accent was thick. It was obvious he was not used to speak Basic. “You betray everything Aquilla Syndulla stood for when you decided to help a General of the First Order.”

A snort left you. As if he knew your husband. Most people who spoke so highly of his name and invoked him all the time knew almost nothing of him.

Then, it sunk on you. The Resistance — the real members of the faction — did not know of your husband’s death — if they did, they never sought you out —, but the locals, or those from nearby planets, the ones who said they fought for the Resistance, but actually tried to profit by stating they would help the poor villagers, always tried to keep you on their side, for they knew everyone would follow the widow of the great Aquilla Syndulla.

He continued to look past you. It was not needed to look back to know to who he was referring to. The General stepped ahead, stopping right behind you. He placed a hand on your hip and brought you against his chest. Even if the contact between you was not something either considered natural, you relished in it.

It made you feel safe, somehow.

And that should made you snort. Feeling safe in a dangerous situation. How paradoxical! And so alike yourself, you should feel ashamed.

“I will shoot her if you don’t step away.”

The General all but ignored his words. Burying his nose on your hair, he whispered in your ear, “Do as he said. Drop the knife.”

It took you a while to understand what he said, but you somehow obeyed him. A shiver ran down your spine as you let go of the knife. It was supposed to fall to the ground, but he caught it as soon as your fingers loosened around it.

Then it happened so fast you barely had any chance to gasp.

In less than a second, the knife was pressed against your throat. Eyes widened, you raised your hands against his wrists, but gave up shortly after. It was no use fighting him. He made that abundantly clear that you were no match to him that very morning. Your heart continued to gallop against your ribcages. You never thought him capable of hurting you — at least not this soon. Not in his very first chance.

It went against everything he said that very morning, right?

The stranger widened his eyes and furrowed his brows, not really knowing how to deal with this development.

You drew in a breath, not so sure of yourself anymore.

“Drop the blaster.”

The command was firm. He looked every bit the General he was. The stranger obeyed him, all the while begging him to leave you — or Mrs. Syndulla as he knew you to be — alone and unharmed.

Not knowing what to do or how to act, you remained in place. Armitage Hux still had one hand firmly placed on your hip and the other holding the knife against your throat.

“Freykaa…” His voice startled you. It was no more than a whisper. You continued to stare ahead, not really sure what to make of him speaking Ryl. It had been a while since someone spoke to you in your husband’s first language and called you beloved. His pronunciation was far from natural, a bit weird, and his breath tickled your skin, but your expression remained the same. “You will do as I say.” 

You did not know if you should not, so you replied a yes in Ryl, “Ka, Ka’re.”

The stranger, not versed in Ryl — it was obvious, or else he would know that you had said yes and called the General your husband — was now kneeling on the floor where he put his blaster and pushed it towards you. He placed both hands behind his head, acknowledging defeat.

“We came looking for you as soon as we knew Aquilla Syndulla perished in the—

“Silence,” the General commanded. To you, he spoke the words slowly, as if the language tasted bitter on his tongue. “Slowly… Very slowly, get the blaster and point at him. I want you to put a hole in his head.”

Your eyes widened at the suggestion. You shook your head in despair. It was obvious the Rebel — or whatever faction he belonged to; it was obvious he was not with General Organa, one of her soldiers would never thread so lightly where innocent lives were concerned — had no qualms putting your life in danger, but it did not mean you could do the same to him.

“I can’t.”

“Let go of her.” The stranger said. “Please, Mrs. Syndulla, we have reason to belie—

Before he could finish his sentence, he hit the floor. As the General asked you to do, there was a hole in his head. You could see right through it. A horrific scene that surely would haunt your dreams for days — months — to come.

Unable to face it, you turned around, only to be met with his chest. He held your chin firmly and forced your head back to the corpse on your floor.

“Please, don’t make me stare at him.”

“You must,” he replied. He was still speaking in Ryl and the very acknowledgment made your stomach churn. “Open your eyes, Nonna.”

“Please…” you begged in Basic. You did not know if you were pleading because he was calling you wife in the same tone your late husband used to call you, or because he was trying to make you stare at the dead body on the floor.  

He let go of your chin and stepped back. You did not open your eyes until you were sure he was not close to force you to stare at it again. Drawing in a deep breath, you turned around and followed him to your chambers.

“Never let them know your weakness. It only will give them the means to exploit you.”

You gulped, not sure what to say. What he could possibly want to hear? The idea of staring at that corpse made you want to vomit. What’s worse is that you knew you it would not go away alone. You would have to get rid of it.

Drag it away from your home.

Bury it.

Hope… Pray… that no one ever knew what happened.

“You must overcome your fears.” He tested the blaster in his hand, as if he was not used to its weight.

“I am not afraid of a dead body,” you shot back, unable to tear your eyes from him. He looked deadly. Your throat was tight as you recalled how he pressed the knife against your very skin. That was a man who had no qualms about ending your life. Or anyone’s else for that matter.

“You are afraid of taking a life,” he replied, before placing it inside the drawer in the bedside table.

To that you had no answer.

What could you possibly say?

You were a healer, not a killer. Your job was to save lives, not to take them. It was understandably, right?

He walked to you, stepping in your personal space. You tried to walk away, but he held you by the wrist; his left hand was in your hip, keeping you in place.

“You are a healer, not a killer,” he used your words and you wondered if he was not force sensitive or at least able to hear or read your thoughts. “I get it.” He let go of your wrist and lifted your chin, forcing you to stare at him. This time, you did not have the will to close your eyes. “However, you would do well to remember he would kill you.”

“He was stalling.”

“For how long?” he asked back and ran his finger upon your bottom lip, preventing you from biting it. You looked down, refusing to stare at you, or to let him know you were on the verge of tears. Again. Get a grip of yourself! “You would do well to conceal your weaknesses from now on.”   

“You speak as if you had one,” you bit back the rest of your sentence. If looks could kill… You were bitter, and you knew it. This entire day he did his best to get on your bad side and surprisingly he managed it just fine.

He took a while to reply and when he did, the topic seemed completely different from the one you were discussing. 

“If the First Order did not choose you, it means I did and out of my own volition.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but no words left you. Brows furrowed, you stared at him agape. What did it have to do with the topic at hand? Not to mention that it contradicted what he said earlier.

Back then, I already knew you would be mine.

Shaking your head, you waited for his explanation. He walked to the armchair and sat down.

“I said I wanted you as my wife. And I did… I still do.” His whispered words — almost like a confession — had you holding your breath. “I doubt I would ever go against the First Order’s rules.” He looked to you, his eyes as intense as ever. You gasped and wondered if you would ever get used to the intensity of his bluish orbs. “But I did. That makes you my greatest weakness.”

A/N - Well, that’ll be all for today, kids! Like I said, the first few chapters of Lie to Me are my favorites. It was way easier to write back then. Now, the thing is more complex than I could’ve imagined haha. Just so you know, I’m working on chapter 22, but I think updates will come only after May, 20. Because I’m very busy right now with my thesis. See you xD 

[idabbleincrazy]

Invisble Touch Ch.4

Pairing: Gabriel x reader

Warnings: Angst, fluff, more jealous!Gabe, awkwardness

Word count: 2,381

Summary: dodgy explanations and Gabriel has a realization? I dont know how to explain this chapter. Sorry.

A/N: i almost made myself cry for y/n writing the first part of this. But it gets better.

Y/f/d= your favorite detergent

What. The. Hell?! You had sat there for the past couple minutes staring at the empty seat across from you. You didn't know what it was that made him leave so suddenly. The two of you had been having a good time for once, laughing and talking more freely than you had ever thought possible. After you had taken a sip of the coffee, you had apparently gotten whipped cream on your face, which embarrassed you beyond measure, leaving you unable to face him as you tried to keep down the blush that threatened to color your cheeks.

It was during the ensuing silence that you suddenly heard a snap and felt a slight energy in the air, and sure enough when you lifted your head, Gabriel had vanished. You had to fight back the tears trying to push past your lashes as you closed your eyes and took slow, deep breaths to keep yourself from breaking down right then and there.

You took a sip of the masterpiece Gabriel had made you, trying to rid your throat of the lump that had risen. What had been sweet and heavenly just minutes ago, now was cloying and heavy on your tongue. You struggled to swallow it down and then stood up from the table, taking the abandoned drinks to the sink. You poured both of them down the drain and washed out the mugs, drying them and placing them back in the cabinet before turning to the food you had taken out of the fridge earlier. You stood there, staring at the eggs and bacon, a sour feeling rising in your still-empty stomach.

You no longer felt hungry and doubted anything would stay down anyway. You grabbed the carton of eggs and package of bacon and placed them back in the fridge along with the butter Gabriel had snapped up. After putting the bread back in its place, you noticed the jar of jelly. You were half-tempted to give it a taste as he had never told you what flavor he had chosen. You picked it up and as you tried to make up your mind on whether you could manage a bite, a single tear slipped past your lashes and landed on the jar.

Sighing heavily, you set the jar back on the counter and left the kitchen, casting a wistful last glance at the cafe table on your way out. You made your way through the bunker back to your room. As you passed by the room Gabe used as his whenever he stayed over, you paused. Oddly, you could feel a low hum of electricity eminating from behind the door. You had never felt this before and it piqued your curiosity. You felt a gentle shiver run up spine as you reached out to knock softly on the door. If Gabriel was indeed in there, he didn't answer.

Further dejected, you continued on to your room, pulling out your phone to check the time again. It was only 10:30. Too early to start drinking your sorrows away, not that that was the best idea anyway on an empty stomach. You debated whether to just go back to sleep for a couple hours, but decided instead to do something constructive to pass the time. You left your room and headed to the laundry room the boys had set up in the back end of the bunker.

This time as you passed by Gabriel’s door, the strange energy you'd felt was gone. Not thinking you would ever get the chance to ask him about it, you made a note to look through the angel lore books in the library to see if there was any information on it. If not, you could always ask Cas when he got back.

As you entered the darkened laundry room, you used the light from your phone to find the pull-string that hung from the bare bulb in the middle of the room. The light blinded you for a second and as your eyes adjusted, you could make out the empty hampers sitting by the washing machine. Then you noticed that everyone's clothes were neatly stacked and folded, sitting on top of the dryer. You stood there for minute in confusion. You knew this had to be Gabe's doing; but it was just so incongruous to his abrupt disappearing act that you couldn't make sense of it.

You went to gather up the piles and noticed that while Sam and Dean's clothes smelled like the regular detergent, yours smelled like (y/f/d), a brand you didnt often have around, as the boys thought it was too girly, and you had already run out of it since the last time you'd been able to go shopping. Your heart clenched slightly at the gesture. You were more confused than ever. You pushed this new act of kindness to the back of your mind to dwell on later. Taking the clothes, you went to go put them away in their respective rooms.

After setting Dean’s clothes on his bed, you head to Sam’s room to do the same. As you're about to set his clothes down, you notice a strip of fabric sticking out from the stack. You separate the top half of the pile from the bottom and gasp as you realize that smack dab between Sam’s shirts and jeans, is the shirt you slept in last night, now shredded into nearly fifty peices. You pick up a handful of the bits of fabric, once again confused beyond belief.

Why would Gabriel do something so kind for you one moment and something so childish the next? This back and forth behavior of his was making you dizzy. And why this shirt? A quck check through the rest of Sam's clothes showed that this was the only victim of Gabe's, whatever you wanted to call this. It's as if this shirt in particular had offended him somehow. Much as you thought about it, you just couldn't come up with a feasible reason why he would destroy this one shirt. You would just have to ask him yourself if he ever showed his face again.

You gather up bits of fabric and pick your clothes up again and go back to your room. After putting all your clothes away and placing the scraps of Sam's shirt in your drawer to deal with later, you decide to head to the library to see if you can find any information about that strange energy you had felt earlier. Once in the library, you go and pick out the most useful books on angel lore you guys had and sat in one of the chairs, pulling out your phone and putting your playlist back on. Music always helped keep you from zoning out when doing research.

After an hour of searching through three musty books, you had found not a single mention of anything similar to what you had felt. Shutting the last leather-bound tome, you sat up and stretched, your muscles slightly aching from your sustained postion. Focusing on reading had allowed you to forget about worrying over how your conversation with Gabriel had ended and the music had helped to ease your stress enough that you felt you could finally handle some food.

As you headed to the kitchen, you checked the time again. Noon. Plenty of time left in the day with nothing to do. You enter the kitchen and instantly notice the table is now gone, snapped back to the void from which it had been summoned. You take a breath and shake off the thoughts trying to push their way back to the front of your mind.

You take a package of ground beef, buns and all your favorite toppings from the fridge and get to work making youself lunch, carefully avoiding glancing at the jelly still sitting on the counter. Though if you had looked over at it, you would have noticed that now there was a red ribbon tied around it with a note-tag attached.

Just as you had finished fixing your burger just the way you liked it, you noticed that static in the air again. You whirled around to see what could be causing it and your mind dragged up a memory from this morning. The energy you felt was almost identical to the shock you had felt when you had touched Gabriel's hand. Your lips parted in a small gasp at this realization.

“Gabriel?” You spoke out into the seemingly empty room.

-------------------------

Gabriel's P.O.V.

Shit. He had hoped against hope this wouldn't happen. As soon as he had felt that spark this morning, he had worried about what it had meant. At first, she didn't seem to notice anything after that initial contact. But after he had run off to gain control over himself, he knew she had hesitated at his door just a little too long. As though something was keeping her from being convinced he had left the bunker completely.

When he heard her make it to her room, he made quick work of the laundry and exacted a tiny, if petty, bit of revenge on Sam. A shirt was a small price to pay for the ire he had caused Gabriel, what with the clothes-sharing and that horrid display he'd had to witness the night before. By the time she had left her room again, his rage had dwindled enough for him to tamper his Grace back down to workable levels.

After an hour or so of wondering how to fix the mess he had no doubt created between them this morning, he could sense that she was calmer than she had been. He hadn't been able to pinpoint the emotions had felt radiating through his door when she had paused outside it as they were all projecting at the same time, tangling together, but he thought he had detected a note of hurt somewhere in the mix. Since he no longer could feel her emotions with the same intensity as earlier, he decided it might be a good time to check in on her. Just to gauge whether the progress they had started to make in their friendship was still attainable.

As soon as he had walked into the kitchen, he was once again taken aback by the beauty of her. Even during the simple task of cooking, she exuded a grace he had yet to see in any other human. Her back was to him and he took a moment to take in her form. Every curve exactly perfect. The heat from the stove causing a bead of sweat to form on the back of her neck.

He had the sudden urge to confess everything to her right then and there. He longed to feel her skin on his again. To feel that shock that had awoken every nerve of his being. He could feel his Grace surging up again. As it did, she suddenly whipped around and stared directly at him, face full of confusion, as if she knew he was there.

“Gabriel?” She asked.

And that was all it took. He knew then that he had been correct in his assumptions about that first touch. They were connected now. Well, fuck. It would be nearly impossible to hide himself from her now. As long as he felt this away about her, his Grace would give him away.

He had no choice now but to make himself visible. He could see it in her face, she knew it was him. He just hoped he could think of an excuse for leaving the way he did and find a way to rectify the situation.

“Hey, kiddo.” He said in what he hoped was a nonchalant tone as he appeared before her in the doorway.

“What the hell, Gabe”, she exclaimed. “How come I could sense you? And more importantly, why were you just lurking there anyway?”

Gabriel could hear the anger slowly rising in her voice. He could feel small tendrils of it rolling off her skin.

“Look, I wasn't exactly lurking, okay? I was just coming to check on you, and figured you might not want to see me after what happened this morning. As for you sensing me, well it happens sometimes. Let's just leave it at that.”

“Oh”, she said softly, her eyes slowly hardening as Gabriel could suddenly detect that hint of hurt creeping back into her emotions. Why was he suddenly more attuned to her mind? He didn't exactly want to follow that train of thought just yet. First, fix this. “Well, speaking of this morning, do mind explaining exactly what the fuck that was about?”

He gulped as he tried to find an answer as close to the truth without telling her outright how he felt. “Uh, yeah, look I'm sorry about just snapping out of here like that. That was stupid. I just, I got caught up in my own mind. I’m sorry, really.”

She nodded her head as she thought over his words. He could feel the anger easing away, though the hurt remained. Gabriel groaned internally at that. The fact that he was the cause of it killed him. They had finally been on a good footing, and he had ruined it. Chalk it up to just another reason why he would never deserve her affection.

“I’ll just go and let you eat your lunch. You probably don't want me around now.” Gabriel turned to go back to his room.

“No”, she sighed. “Please stay. Let's try this again, okay? Thank you for doing the laundry, by the way.”

“Oh. You're welcome. It was the least I could do.” He was surprised yet relieved she didn't mention Sam's shirt. One less thing to have to awkwardly explain. “You know, I can whip you up some fries to go with that?” He quirked an eyebrow up questioningly at her, waving his hand towards her burger.

“Hmm, sure. Fries would be great. Nothing fancy though, okay? Just simple, greasy fries.”

He obliged her request with a simple snap of his fingers, a sizeable pile of crispy french fries appearing on her plate. She grabbed the plate and followed him to go sit at the table in the war room.

---------------------------------

I think im gonna do a time jump in the next chapter just to get the ball rolling.

Gabe's Babes: @liloldlou @calamitychaos

Rich's Bitches: @warlockwriter @archangelgabriellives @green-draws0 @waywardtricks @briars-glenn @hankypranky

Invisible Touch: @somewhatnautral @whodoesntlovefanfics @missihart23 @baritonechick @nobodys-baby-now @black-angel-bahamut @marichromatic

[spadesjadesfiction]

Ok, time for my (unwanted) two cents.

Tom Hiddleston.

What can I say? The more he changes, the more he stays the same. 

Something is going on. I don’t know what, I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I almost expect an announcement that he’s retiring from acting. I don’t think he’s sad or depressed, I honestly don’t. But I do think he’s a bit disillusioned and is trying to figure out his career and his life. (geeze, who isn’t?)

Let’s recap a few things. 

I don’t think Hiddleswift was fake. I think she is a gorgeous, talented, charming snake person who was trying to get out of a relationship and totally fell for him on the rebound. He fell in love (I said it) and got swept off his feet and dropped on his ass. Love makes idiots of us all. In that disturbing GQ article he did say something about what happens to love when the object of that love goes away. So yeah, I think it was love. 

However, the viciousness of the press, the fans, everyone, would throw anyone for a loop. And then there was that horrible nastiness with his Golden Globe speech, which I didn’t think he had anything to be ashamed of or apologize for. 

For whatever reason, he is retreating and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t be surprised if ACE comic con is the last we see of him at fan events. If Loki is dead (sob) then what else does he need to do? He’s done with Marvel. That’s the only reason he did that con, because of Marvel. 

I think the next we see of Tom on the screen will be The Night Manager 2 if that happens. Otherwise, he is being a person, which he has a right to be. 

Tom has a rather conflicting relationship with the media and his fans. You can see in 2012-13 how he gobbled up the attention with an eager smile and asked for second helpings. The “glow” of him in those years is very different from the more seasoned, relaxed person we get today. The problem with celebrity is that it is insane by nature. Even my own obsession with him (which I’m not proud of but can’t seem to get rid of either) is conflicting. I love him and I hate him. I hate the illusion of him that exists. Because that illusion isn’t him and I try to see past it. I used to find RPF creepy, but ever since seeing King Charles III (movie) which is also RPF on BBC2, I’ve gotten over it. But I still feel wrong about it because he is a real person and I don’t know him, no matter how much I speculate or whatever. 

Anyway, I digress.

The problem with celebrity (other than the sheer insanity of it) is that you can’t decide what kind of attention you want. He wants to be known, but he wants to determine HOW, which isn’t possible. He wants a personal life and wants it kept private. I don’t blame him. I respect that. But yet I swallow any crumb that falls, whether he let it fall or not, which is an invasion of his privacy in a very real sense. You can’t say “you can come this close but not closer.” The celebrity does not have that power. I wish they did. The celebrity can’t say, “You can love me for this and like this but not for this or like that.” You can’t control human emotion. Human beings can be highly addicting. And lets face it, The Hollywood Machine wants us to eat these guys like junk food and beg for more because it equals $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and that’s all they care about. 

So if Tom is disillusioned with the Hollywood machine, that’s actually a good sign. If he’s taking a hard look at his life and what he wants, what he’s done and what he wants to do, good for him. It’s “sad” for us because we want our “junk food,” or even if we just really like the guy and want to feel close to him (I get it, I’m in that boat with you), it does mean we won’t get it anymore, or very little. But it’s actually quite sane. It means he’s a real person who won’t be used. As he said, his life is NOT up for grabs. Even if I wish it was (on a demented, obsessed level, because I am just as bad as the next salivating fangirl) I respect him and like him and support him more because it’s not. 

I guess that’s the paradox.

I have to remind myself that he is a flawed, fallible person like me. He is not on a pedestal, he is not an idol. But until God sees fit to free me from this addiction, I will suffer like the rest. 

[whitelotus-ffxiv]

.mercy

Crash!

Xiu stayed still on her knees, hands atop her thigh, as she watched the glass the oyabun had knocked off of the table shatter on the polished wooden floor. The crystal reflected the rain outside through the open door, and when the oyabun took a step, he crushed more of it beneath his heel. 

Sparkly. Like diamond dust. Pretty. 

“You had two jobs to do, Xiu.” 

The oyabun’s voice cut through the air like a knife, calm, but she could hear all of the tension weighing on his tongue. He was angry, even if it wasn’t visible. That was the worst type of anger he could offer; the seething beneath the surface, barely contained by a smooth exterior. The chronometer on his wrist ticked as his hand hung in front of Xiu’s face, a cane made of ebony tightly gripped in his gloved hands in a way that made the leather creak when his knuckles tensed beneath it. He started to pace in front of her, deliberately, slowly, back and forth. She refused to look up. 

“Repeat to me what your jobs were.” 

“To locate and kill the former governor of Fushui for his acts of rebellion against the Garlean Empire, for his gathering of soldiers that served under him, and for attacking a Garlean base before fleeing.” Xiu recited it like she was reading it off of a list, still staring down at the broken glass as her own knuckles tensed slightly. Her clothing was dirty; she’d not even had time to blink before she was yanked in to the oyabun’s office. All she’d been able to do was remove her mask and let her hair tumble over her shoulders, soaked with rain. 

“And tell me what part of this job you succeeded in,” the man said, ceasing his pacing and lifting his cane, making the end level with Xiu’s gaze. 

“In locating the former governor, sir.” 

“In locating the former governor-- and succeeding in infiltrating the place where he has been granted sanctuary by some bleeding heart Hingans. You even walked through the halls, rested in the rafters, watched him, revealed yourself to him... and the man remains alive, on the run once again.” 

Finally, Xiu looked up. The oyabun was staring down at her, two of his guards flanking him at his desk standing at a parade rest. She looked at the swords on their hips, sized both of them up. Both Raen, and tall even for male Au Ra. Lean but still muscular; athletically built... She could take both of them down, no questions asked, within thirty seconds. Their stances were too tense. They were nervous. She could practically smell their fear at the thick layer of tension in the room, even if they looked, to most anyone else, as calm and as confident as could be. Even the picks of the litter weren’t good enough to match with her, to overcome what she could do to them. 

Pathetic.

“Within the sanctuary were three young children. The eldest couldn’t have been more than ten -- the governor’s children, all at play when I put my blade to their father’s neck. He begged. I met eyes of the youngest. I could not bring myself to do it, oyabun,” Xiu said, flatly, looking back up to him with a challenge in her gaze. “Not right there. Not right then. It was a foolish decision to call me back.”

“Why do I waste my time and energy and resources training you? You’re afraid to kill in front of a child? You don’t want to scar them?” the oyabun sneered, leaning on his cane and putting his face close to Xiu’s. He didn’t look as old as he was, save for the scars marring his tanned complexion and the nicks in his scales that told of battles long since fought. 

“Easy solution. You kill the children too. No witnesses. No emotional scarring from seeing their father die. Idiot girl. Afraid of some little ones? Look at all the blood on your hands, Xiu. Are you really afraid of a couple drops more?”

Suddenly, the cane was coming up towards her at a speed so fast that a year ago, she wouldn’t have been able to react. His words were echoing in her ears, and there was a familiar rage creeping through her veins. Her hand snapped up and grabbed the cane, and she was on her feet, twisting it behind his back and bringing her knee up into the small of it to topple him to his knees. She heard him bark an order to his guards to stay where they were, and the oyabun twisted around and got back to his feet, gripping the cane and trying to wrest it from Xiu’s grip. Their eyes met, two flames about to burst into a fire, as they both gripped the stick of ebony. 

“I will not harm a child. Never. Never. I will not take away from them what you have taken away from me, father. I will let them try to have a childhood with a father that loves them. You send one of your attack dogs out if it’s so necessary that the governor dies! I am not your tool! I am not one of those attack dogs!”

“Your life will become a thousand times simpler when you realize just how wrong you are, Xiu.” 

The cane was taken from her and her face was gripped in the hands of the man she called father, vice-like and vicious as he bore down upon the small Raen girl. He looked wild with rage, then, all airs of being a cool, calm, and collected leader thrown to the wind as it so often was when dealing with his personal pet project, in dealing with his prodigy. 

“I own you,” he hissed down at her. “Who has raised you, kept you, fed you, trained you, given you all the pretty things a girl could want? Who has made you what you are now? You owe everything to me, little girl. Or would you prefer to die like your pathetic mother, sickly, too soft for her own good? You do as I tell you to do, or you can drop yourself on your sword. The choice is yours, Xiu.” 

There was a long silence, Xiu’s face still held between gloved fingers stronger than hers. Their eyes were locked. It was a battle of wills; who would look away first? Who would break first? It felt like an eternity of waiting, with Xiu’s jaw set as she stared down the man who dared call himself her father.

“I will burn what you have made of me and be reborn from the ashes,” she said through her teeth. “And then I will come to burn you next.” 

“You are welcome to try, little phoenix,” the man said with a smirk. In the end, Xiu won. He let her go, shoved her back, and turned his back to her. She considered the knife in her boot, considered stepping behind him and just snapping his neck. But every time it felt as if she might move, she saw them; the children in Hingashi, wide-eyed, innocent, as they looked at the masked woman with the dagger held to their papa’s neck. 

“Go and fetch Feng,” the oyabun said to one of his men. “He’s someone who can do a job properly without whining about morality. You could learn from the stories of his work, Xiu. Leave your mind and your heart at the door. Better yet, get rid of the latter completely. It’ll do you no good here. Get out. Go clean yourself up. Your punishment isn’t over yet.”

The water wasn’t hot enough. It was never hot enough.

No matter how hard Xiu scrubbed her skin, no matter how red and raw it came out after she was finished, she never felt clean. Her scales would shine so brightly one might get blinded from them, but all she could see was crimson staining her palms, spreading across the pearlescent sheen of her scales, tangling her hair with blood and sweat, drenched over her lips from busted lips and flesh caught beneath her fingernails. 

When she was walking back to her quarters, she had caught a glimpse of the man her father was sending to the governor. She knew of him; a samurai fallen from grace, forced into service for so many years that she wondered if he remembered his life before being forced to fight for anyone he was passed on to. His eyes were always somewhere far away, straight ahead, more machine than man. She wanted to talk to him, wanted to touch him, wanted to tell him that we are just the same, you and me, please, we don’t have to be alone here.

Kage had been knocking on her door all night, and she refused to answer. She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want any of the substances he had to offer, didn’t want the fuck he was looking for while she was vulnerable. Being vulnerable around Kage was always a dangerous game. For someone who claimed to be in love with her, he loved to put her in a compromising situation. No-- she wanted to stay in this bathtub that was turning lukewarm and put her head beneath water until she could fathom a world outside of the yakuza, outside of being beneath the thumb of her father, until she could see a world where she wasn’t born to destroy but to thrive, where the things she touched turned beautiful rather than rotten and broken. 

“Please,” the governor breathed. “Please, don’t kill me.” 

Xiu was silent. The three children that had been at play in the garden were laughing, kicking a ball and gathering their fine silks to make sure they didn’t trip over the hem. The governor had been sitting on a stone bench as he watched, smiling, paperwork set to the side to observe his trio of his pride and joy. Two boys; the youngest was a girl with sleek dark hair pulled into pigtails, blunt bangs across her forehead. Just like Xiu’s mother had done hers when she was the little girl’s age. There was a twinge in her chest.

She was pulling her knife away from the man’s neck when the eldest boy looked up at her. His eyes widened in surprise and fear and his lips formed in an ‘O,’ prepared to cry out. She lifted a hand and put her index finger to her lips, shook her her head, and then, just as silently as she had come, she was gone back into the shadows from whence she had come. It was rare for her to feel so sick -- if sick at all -- when she was about to do a job. But that son’s gaze... It had gotten to her. It had reached a place so deeply that she had forgotten that place still existed within her. It had called some sort of humanity back. 

Any punishment she had to endure when she arrived back in Doma would be worth saving the little family who had already lost everything but each other. 

(( quick mention: @myterribleboysffxiv! ))

[angelkurenai]

Picture Perfect - Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester - Chapter 12 - The End

Title: Picture Perfect

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x Reader (one is eventual but no spoilers, read til the end to find out which one)

Word Count: --- I won’t even

Warnings: Angst, Blood

Prompt: I got it! Can you do a fic where Sam dies while (Y/N) is pregnant with his child and so Dean helps her raise the child and they live the apple pie life and right when Dean wants to propose to (Y/N), Sam returns to life & ANGST. Please and thank you

Special thank you to @gaveherhearttotheliontattoo for being an awesome beta!

Read: Part 1 l Part 2 l Part 3 l Part 4 l Part 5 l Part 6 l Part 7 l Part 8 l Part 9 l Part 10 l Part 11

~Two hours ago~

“Really wanted, (Y/n). Really were in love with him. Really felt things for Dean Winchester. Not when you realized it, not when you lived together and not when you started trying for a family. Those moments I do know about. I mean when it all really began, because I am sure of one thing, that I don't doubt you know deep down as well-” she paused, as you practically held your breath. The heart monitor next to you almost going crazy in the deafening silence that she let rest between the two of you.

“It was so long before Sam's death.”

“I don't know what the hell you're talking about.” you said angrily, turning your head away.

“Oh but you do, your heart clearly says so.” she said with a smile, glancing at the machine next to you “You really do know what I am talking about, (Y/n). And that's what hurts the most. It's not the guilt at being with Dean when Sam was gone, it's not the guilt of having your daughter call her uncle 'dad' in front of her real father... it's the guilt you feel at knowing everything I'm saying is true. Tell me, how could you really hide it even from yourself that you always had feelings for Dean hm? You were with his own brother, loved Sam, slept with him, were about to have a child with him too and yet there was that small part of your heart that wished it could be all about Dean.”

You clenched your jaw, shutting your eyes as you felt your heart want to beat out of your chest. You had been fighting the thought for so long, years actually, ever since you first kissed Dean that time but you knew it was always at the back of your mind. And now that she said it out loud you felt the pain spread inside you worse than how any knife would have cut on you. And the worst part of it? The thing you hated the most that made you not want to even think about it? You knew it was true.

“Shut up.” you wanted to hiss at her but it only came out as a broken whisper.

“Oh I've hit a nerve, haven't I?” her eyebrows shot up “So it really was while you were with Sam, hm. For a moment I doubted it but- even as you got pregnant with Mary you kept denying it? I mean I can understand why but I still find it hard to believe you just woke up and realized it all when Sam died.”

You let out a shaky breath, a tear rolling from your eye “It wasn't when Sam died.” your voice was hoarse.

“Then when? When did you realize you had actual feelings for Dean, (Y/n)? Before that, right? Sam was still alive and you had realized you were in love with his brother as well? And you didn't break up with him or take some time to yourself?” her eyebrows shot up “Oh wow you Winchesters are really messed up.” she chuckled and you gritted your teeth.

“Screw you” you growled “You have no right to lecture or judge me when, despite knowing that I am pregnant, you kicked and hit me to knock me out. You say you're hunters but to me you look just as bad as the monsters I hunted my entire life. The only difference is the fancy clothes and tools you have.”

“Getting defensive, alright I don't blame you. You're hurting, guilt is really getting the best of you now. But to be honest... I'm kind of dissapointed, (Y/n). I didn't take you for that kind of girl. I mean, sure you didn't want to hurt Sammy's feelings and that's alright but you didn't say a word to Dean, even when you saw how he too felt. Why?” she leaned back in her chair “Probably none of you realized how strong it was back then but you were falling in love with your boyfriend's brother and all you did was... what exactly?”

“I loved Sam.” you whispered, staring at the floor numbly “I still do.”

“But you loved and love Dean too, right?”

“I didn't know what it was, I tried to push it in the back of my mind. I tried to fight it, ignore it, anything. I tried to think all those lingering touches were just my imagination, I tried to think the way he looked at me was nothing, I tried to think that him stepping in front of me so protectively was just a reflex or- or me being family. I tried to think that his goodbye hugs when I couldn't join hunts were because- because we have always been close, because we had always been best buddies and because I- I was like a little sister to him, the one he never wanted. He'd said so once.” you ended up mumbling, blinking your tears away “And I tried to think the way he took care of me, making sure I ate and slept properly, preparing food for me – healthy at that, when I was pregnant – was just in him. Dean has always been like a brother to me. Always.”

“Until he wasn't.” she pointed out and you looked at her with a glare. You probably didn't understand why you'd tell her such a thing but you needed to get it out of your chest and truth was you had no other option. That or getting tortured and, even if it would be nothing compared to this emotional pain, you couldn't even think of risking your child's life.

“Until I realized he wasn't.” you breathed out, licking your dry lips “It scared the hell out of me. I- I was in love with his brother, I knew I was and I felt I was. I never stopped, Sam was the one for me. I believed it, I felt and maybe that is not the case anymore but I know Sam was the one I loved. I will never once deny this but I can't deny that... when the Darkness was released everything came upside down for me as well.”

“Because you realized you were in love with Dean?”

“No” you shook your head “Because I realized I was jealous. It's different.” you breathed out “He and Amara, I know the bond they had was not romantic, I know it and I knew it then too. Just like I knew that it shouldn't bother me so much as worry me about his well-being and the rest of humanity's. But I caught myself thinking about it so many times that I- I actually realized I- I was jealous. I had seen him with so many women before, and sometimes it had not shocked me to find myself bothered because Sam and I weren't a thing back then but now- the guilt combined with this jealousy shot through me like electricity. And it scared me.”

“And he did nothing about it? Did he even take notice?” her voice almost sounded distant, making you feel as if you were in a trance, speaking as if you'd almost been compelled to.

“He talked to me about it.” you breathed out “Before he talked to Sam, although I knew that Sam was completely aware of it. They can't hide a thing from each other, I guess apart from... yeah. But- I didn't question it. I didn't ask him why he felt like he needed to explain what was going on with Amara... to me, his brother's girlfriend. I don't think I really wanted to, deep down. Because that would mean I had to think about all of the times I acted like a jealous girlfriend, gave him a cold shoulder or scoffed at the mere mention of her name... and truth was I felt better and different. Not just that there was nothing going on, from his side at least, but that... he had decided to open up to me, he had decided to speak to me about everything that worried him. And that, as much as it shouldn't, meant so much to me.”

“So that was it? That was the moment you realized you were falling for your boyfriend's brother?”

“No, that was the moment I realized something was going on. Something I didn't want to happen. Something I didn't nor will ever call love, not at the moment it happened. I was feeling jealous, for a reason I shouldn't. I can't call it love because I was with Sam at the time and he was the only man I could ever say it to.” you sniffled “I fell in love, and I realized I had fallen in love, with Dean only after Sam's death. And that's final.” you pursed your lips, but the laugh you got from her only angered you more.

“So that's how you're going to call it now huh? You think you've found the right excuse for what you felt for Dean, for what you too realized you felt for him! You fell in love with him and lied to Sam, right in front of his eyes, about wanting a family with the younger Winchester when you couldn't stop thinking about his brother!” she shook her head with a laugh “Unbelievable. You were in love with Dean, whether you want to admit it or not, while you were with Sam but although you never let things get too far away you- you had dreamed about it, hadn't you? You'd almost wished about it, and he had too. You'd both always wanted this to the point that... Tell me (Y/n), did you actually feel relief when Sam died? Did you feel like a weight was off your shoulders? Did you-”

“Shut up!” you screamed, tears flowing down your cheeks “Just shut up!” you shook your head “You have no idea about me or my feelings! You kept tabs on us for all of our lives but you have no idea what has really happened in them! You have no idea about us! No idea!”

“Don't I? Come on, (Y/n). It will stay between us. Did you ever think that the only way to get rid of this guilt for feeling attracted to Dean, as you insist only was the case, was Sam not existing in the first place? Did you think that maybe if he... was gone, there would be no reason to feel guilt and hold back your feelings. There would be no reason to pretend anymore and there would be no reason to try convince yourself the younger Winchester is the only man in your heart. If Sam was out of the picture he'd just be a sweet memory as you and Dean-”

“Stop! Stop it!” you scream, your voice hurting as you shut your eyes tightly “You're lying. You're just lying. I love Sam, I loved him so much. I always did. I'm in love with him. I do. Sam- Sam's the man I love. I'm in love with him.”

“Yet you are pregnant with his brother's child. Yeah, that makes total sense.” the smirk in her voice made your blood boil and the mention of your child actually started to bring you back to reality. You clenched your jaw and looked up at her, despite your blurry vision, glaring daggers at her.

“Come on, (Y/n) we both know you are just trying to convince yourself.” she said with a casual shrug.

“No” you breathed out “No I'm not trying anything. Because I know the truth, I love Sam Winchester and you can just go to hell and say whatever the hell you want.”

“Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd like to believe I am just the big bad here, trying to break you piece by piece on the inside but truth is I am only saying the truth here. You were pleased when he died, you were relieved, you were for the first time at peace because deep down that's what you wanted: to not have any more obstacles. He had become just that, an obstacle to you and Dean. Oh Dean, I'm so sure he too must have felt relieved. But of course he couldn't say a thing because he was his brother and oh that would be such a shock to everybody. But you saw it? You saw everything that he'd been hiding, that's why you gave in so fast. You just gave in and slept with him, surprise surprise, on the date of Sam's death. Celebrating or something?” she asked with a smirk and the only thing you could do was grit your teeth.

“Stop it!” you shouted “Dean and I were both drunk, we were hurting and we missed him. And you have no idea, much less the right to say a fucking thing.” you blinked rapisly, trying to seem angry more than hurt. Not because any of the things she was now saying were true but because it was actually bringing back painful memories.

“Fine” she shrugged “I was merely trying to make a conversation. You could always tell me everything you know about American hunters and end this here, or you could let me go on and then we could proceed to other means.” she glanced at the metal tools with a smirk.

You narrowed your eyes at her, your lips parting as you decided to take another look around you. Your eyes lingered on your child's heart monitor only for a minute before you decide to take everything else in. Really take it in this time, her words running through your mind as you started putting everything together.

“No you won't.” you breathed out as realization dawned on you and your head snapped at her “You won't torture me, not- not in a physical way. That's not your way of getting information from me... this is. Breaking me from the inside so I'd prefer to talk about anything but my life with Sam and Dean, so I would answer your every question so long as you'd leave me be for just a few minutes. This is your way of torturing me because- just because I am pregnant. It's all about my emotions, you're trying to make me give in by torturing me in an emotional level. Mentally.”

She didn't say a word, instead pursed her lips and for the first time you actually saw her get annoyed; fact that made you smirk at her “What? Did I hit a nerve?” you asked mockingly and she shared a look with the brunette that was still behind you.

“You won't risk an innocent child's life, will you? Especially when they're human, you said it.” you pointed out “And those tools?” you shook your head “They are not for me, are they? They're for Sam or Dean, whoever comes in first; because you know they would never give up on me. You plan on torturing the father of my child, not me.”

“Torture you? Probably not in the typical way.” she said, snapping her book closed in irritation at seeing you not give in “We don't want to risk your child's life, but that doesn't mean we can't inflict such fear in you for it while trying to get answers, right?” she got up from her chair and the smile fell from your lips.

“What are you going to do?” you asked in a low hoarse voice, fearing for the baby you were carrying more than anything.

“If you keep insisting to not say a thing then we will resortto plan B. Not the torturing you may be used to, no.” she shook her head, walking towards you “But one so much worse that it will make you wish you were not pregnant.” she whispered, leaning down for a moment “See you in a while, (Y/n).” she said, straightening her back before giving a nod to the other woman and walking off.

You didn't have time to question her, not even look at her for longer than five seconds before you felt a fist collide with your face. Her fist.

~Half an hour ago~

Your body felt sore, and it wasn't just because of the beating. You were worn out, both physically – you could only take so little due to your pregnancy – and mentally because of the talk you'd had with Toni and the fear that constantly occupied your heart for your child's well-being. Your eyes would not stop falling on the heart monitors, especially the second one that belonged to your baby.

Your body was shaking because of the cold water that had been poured on you. The cuts on your arms, legs and collarbone were stinging. The several bruises on your face hurt more than you realized and the rapid beating of your heart, especially as it echoed because of the heart monitor, in the big room. Your fists were clenched as you tried to calm down yourself, laboring your breathing. Your baby was the only thing you had in mind, practically the entire time. You closed your eyes, trying to calm your rapidly beating heart as you thought of only the beautiful memories, things that always made you smile despite the worst situations. And you tried to think of how it would be to hold it in your arms, hopefully healthy as it could be.

You remember that with each hit you'd only look at the heart monitor to make sure it was alright, thankfully it's heartbeat had not risen apart from once which was when they had emptied the water on you, the shock running through your entire body. You had been scared beyond belief so much that you had almost given in that moment. You'd do anything about it, but luckily they had given you a break after that. The cuts on you didn't shed much blood, so there was luckily no danger of that. They had made sure it was in particular places, actually proving to you that they wanted the baby to be safe. Physically at least. Your worries were getting the best of you, making you think that everything was actually worse than in reality, so you didn't know if your fear might make things worse in the end.

“H-hey little one.” your voice was hoarse as you looked down at your belly with tears in your eyes “This is mama talking.” you almost chocked on a sob “I- I just- I wanted you to know that I love you, baby. I love you so much already. And I promise you- I really do promise you that I will do everything in my power to make it through this. We will, little one.” you stopped yourself, pursing your lips as you felt a fresh wave of tears come to you. You had been fighting it for way too long but you couldn't take it at the fear you had over it's well-being. There was only so much the heart monitor could do to soothe down your worries.

“We will make it, together sweetie.” you smiled, even if tears ran down your cheeks “Mommy promises you this, you will be safe. Always baby. Angels are watching over you.” you lower lip trembled as you wished so bad at least one of your hands was free so that you could place it over your belly “I can't believe you are in here.” you whispered, closing your eyes and throwing your head back for a moment.

“Daddy and I wanted so much to have you in our life.” you whispered, looking back down “I wish I can tell him soon, I know... I know he will love you just as much as I do. You are our little miracle, baby, I'll make sure that nothing will happen to you. Daddy will too. He's coming for us, little one, he's on his way to save us. He will save us. I know he will.” you smiled sadly, biting your lip as more tears rolled down.

“I want you to meet him so bad, kiddo. You'll love him and he- he will be the happiest man on Earth to know this. To know you are going to make him a father. A-and your sister-” you let out a chuckle that was actually cut off by a sob “She will be so happy, she always wanted a baby brother or sister.”

You clenched your teeth and closed your eyes, willing yourself to fight the tears back but you had no luck. With each beat of your heart you felt like bursting into tears all over again and sobbing uncontrollably. A door creaking caught your attention and your head snapped in the direction. You saw Toni stand there with a small smirk and despite the tears or entire look, you glared at her. She just shook her head and disappeared for only a split second and appeared later dragging... Dean with her?

Your eyes widened and you felt your heart leap to your throat “D-Dean?” you whispered and he gave you a half smile.

“Hey baby” he breathed out and you leaned forward, wanting to run to him but being held back when you realized you were actually bound.

“Dean I- I-” your voice shook as more tears filled your eyes.

“I'm sorry” he breathed out before you could say anything “I'm sorry... for everything. For what I said, for what I did.” he swallowed thickly and you only looked at him with a frown “I am really sorry, I never- I never really meant it. I didn't want it. I- I had to.” his voice was rough as his eyes roamed your face and entire body. He had seen you in worse situations, with definitely more blood and cuts. But the look of terror in your tear-filled eyes and the whimpers that left your lips were enough to make everything ten times worse.

“N-No, Dean.” you said with a small whimper “I- I am sorry. You and Mary-” you choked on a sob “I love you so much. I love you, Dean.” if the case was any different you wouldn't have said any of it. But fearing so much about your child's life, being so emotional over learning you were actually pregnant made you rethink everything that had happened.

Dean's lips parted but he didn't have the chance to say anything because Toni spoke up “How touching.” she rolled her eyes “Don't worry you'll have plenty of time to talk later, especially when Sam comes. I know you have a lot of things to say the three of you.” she smirked at you as you only glared at her.

“Screw you.” you growled.

“Of course.” she rolled her eyes “But I know he will be thrilled to hear the news, don't you think (Y/n)?”

“I know I am.” another voice, not yours or Dean's, said actually from behind her and before she had the chance to react Dean jumped in action. It was all planed.

~Present Time~

But as it happened with most plans: not everything went according to plan. There were casualties, there were problems and struggles and there were mistakes. The moment Toni realized she had stabbed you her eyes widened in horror and she pulled it away, taking a step back maybe for the first time regretting what she'd done but it wasn't something that could not be undone. Your hand instinctively fell on your stomach and as you looked down you saw the blood ooze out, a whimper leaving your lips.

You were already feeling lightheaded before, now with the blood loss and the tears in your eyes, fearing for your child, the cold ground seemed like the only place you'd end up. And you almost did, through your half open eyes you noticed Sam rushing to your side and taking hold of you before you could hit your head worse. You tried to find his hand, to grasp onto it and get his attention as he moved frantically to make your wound stop bleeding.

“Baby” you whispered in a hoarse voice “B-baby” you stuttered before giving him a final squeeze and everything was enveloped by darkness, your hand falling limp on your side.

It was all too much for you to take and that didn't mean just mentally. You didn't know what happened after that, you didn't realize a thing of course. But that didn't mean that you weren't too scared. On the contrary, maybe that was what brought you around in the first place too.

The constant beeping of a heart monitor – double at that as if it was two monitors – was the first sound you registered. For a moment you thought after listening to them for hours that the sound was still echoing inside your head. Or maybe you were still bound to that awful chair and had had a dream or something. But then you actually remembered that you had disconnected them and that Sam and Dean barging in was not a fragment of your imagination, as sadly wasn't Toni stabbing you in the stomach. You heard one of the monitors almost go crazy and your eyes snapped open as you realized everything.

It could be a dream, yes, but you weren't going to risk it. You were sick worried and above all scared beyond belief. Your head hurt as the white light invaded your sight and you couldn't help but close your eyes again, groaning loudly as you brought a hand over them. You felt a few cords tugging at your hand but you didn't pay attention to that. There was only one thing you thought of saying, calling out to one person.

“D-Dean” you whispered, your throat hurting as well “Dean” you whimpered this time until you felt a hand take hold of yours.

“Here, here. I am here (Y/n).” his rough voice said as softly as he could to you “Easy.” he whispered and you tried to take a deep breath.

You opened your eyes more slowly this time, blinking several times as your eyes adjusted to the blinding white. You blinked more, your vision clearing as you moved your head to the side and looked at Dean, your lips falling apart as your eyes filled with tears.

“D-Dean?” you whispered “What- what happened? What is going on? Where- where am I? What happened to- to- What about-” your voice was trembling as you almost choked on sobs but he just shushed you.

“No, no shh.” he whispered, squeezing your hand “It's ok, it's all ok.” he rubbed your head, tucking a few strands out of your face “It's fine, you're both alright. You're both great.” he whispered and your head fell back on the pillow, a big sigh of relief left your lips as you closed your eyes, feeling a fresh wave of tears rush to you.

“Thank God” you breathed out, swallowing the lump in your throat “Thank...” you trailed off, letting out a shaky sigh as a smile formed on your lips. Your other hand rested over your belly, or at least you tried to despite all the strings attached to your belly.

“It's all fine.” he whispered, kissing your forehead and you slowly opened your eyes to look at him.

“Is- is it? Or are you trying to not worry me?” you whispered, a small frown on your face.

“The doctor was a little worried about the blood you lost.” it wasn't Dean that spoke but Sam and you turned to look at him standing to your right “But the knife didn't even touch the baby, so everything's fine. Castiel managed to heal you in time so that's a plus, at least you didn't lose any more blood.” he gave you a gentle smile and despite how you could understand how hard that was for him you still smiled at him.

“Thank you, for everything.” you breathed out, closing your eyes as you snuggled more with the warm blankets. You didn't know you needed them this bad but it seemed like it was the case.

“Don't thank us, (Y/n). That's what family does.” Sam smiled softly once more.

“Where's Mary?” you whispered.

“At Jody's. I called her to let her know you are alright, she'll bring Mary over anytime now.” Sam replied and his head snapped down before you could say anything “Speaking about.” he pursed his lips “I'll- Excuse me for a moment.” he gave you a tight smile and you gave him one back, more like a sympathetic. You didn't even dare think about how he must have felt to realize the woman he loved was pregnant with his brother's child... while she had a child with him as well. Wow maybe Toni was right about one thing: This was fucked up.

You watched him as he exited the room and no sooner had the door closed than you felt Dean slowly pull away from you. You didn't even let his hand pull away from yours before... you squeezed it, holding it in place and looking back up at him. He had a frown on his face but mostly you could see him struggle to keep his happiness back. He forced himself to feel more sorry and hurt than happy... why?

“I don't blame you, you know. And I don't hate you, not really.” you whispered and he looked down at your hands.

“I know you don't.” he whispered “And that's the problem. I wish you could hate me for what I did. I wish you could hate me the way I hate myself. If it wasn't for what I did you- you wouldn't have been taken. You wouldn't have been at risk, your or... or our baby. I would have been there to save you, I should have but I wasn't. You just... should hate me, (Y/n). You should never want to see me again.” he swallowed thickly and you didn't even think to react when he pulled away from you, getting up and turning his back to you.

“I didn't.” you breathed out and you saw his muscles stiffen “I hated you so bad at first... only because I still loved you so much.” you only stared at his back as he ran a hand through his hair. You shifted, letting a small huff as you got up in a sitting position.

“Dean” you whispered “Please, just look at me.” you said softly, almost pleadingly and although he hesitated he did turn to look at you.

“I don't hate you. Maybe-” you gave him a sad smile “Maybe I wish I could, just as much as you do but I love you, Dean. And I can't help it, I couldn't from the beginning... whenever that was.” you shrugged, looking down at your hands.

“But you shouldn't.” he clenched his jaw, looking through the window at his younger brother talking in the phone “You just... shouldn't.” he breathed out, shrugging.

“Of course, I shouldn't.” you bit the inside of your cheek, tears stinging in your eyes at the rejection in his voice; you had gone through this enough times and you just couldn't again “Because your brother is alive, because I have a child with him. Well, guess what Dean?” you hissed “I am pregnant with your child now.”

“(Y/n)” he whispered but you shook your head at him.

You looked down at your hands, more sad than angry “If you've changed your mind about it- If you no longer want it then I-”

“No” he breathed out almost in panic, cutting you off abruptly “No, don't- don't say that, don't you ever say that.” he clenched his fists, letting out a deep breath before he sat down on the chair that was next to your bed “I- I love you, (Y/n). I love you both so much that... it hurts. And I wish it didn't have to but- it does, and I- I don't know how to deal with that.” he shrugged, burying his face in his hands.

“Dean I- I know how it feels, I know how messed up this must feel. I know that it might even seem wrong with Sam alive but I- I love you Dean, I really do and I can never truly hate you for what happened, not to mention blame you. I can't blame you for... for this wonderful gift. You've made me a mother again and it just is one of the so many things you've offered me.” you placed a gentle hand over your belly.

“And what about the things that I've taken away?” he growled but you knew his anger was only directed at himself “I- I almost even took away- I almost took away our baby's life. I wasn't enough, I couldn't be enough to protect you and-”

“We're fine, please Dean don't do this to me now.” you shook your head, biting your lip “I dreamed of this moment so... differently. I dreamed of me finding out and when I told you you'd be- you'd be happy about it, you'd place a hand over my belly and you'd whisper things to the baby, even if it can't really hear you now. Alright maybe you'd pass out first too.” you added with a pained chuckle and he did the same.

“Can I?” he whispered, unable to hold back any longer as he extended a hand towards your belly.

“Come here, you idiot.” you whispered, making room for him on the bed “It's your baby too.” you said as he hesitated to place his hand over you. You took hold of his hand and helped him, although truth was you could still see the doubt in his eyes. You had not said anything openly and even if it was clear he regretted leaving in the first place he hadn't said a thing either.

“I'm sorry I asked you to stay away from Mary.” you whispered as he rubbed his thumb over your belly before he looked at you the eyes “I didn't mean it.” your voice was soft and surprisingly calm considered what you'd been through in just a day. But maybe that had actually helped you realize a few things.

“I never really wanted it, I never even wanted you to leave in the first place. I was just hurt.” you whispered “I felt as if you had bailed on me, as if you had betrayed me. I dreamed that we- this would be forever and you had just chosen my and your brother's happiness over what we had... without asking me. I just-”

“I didn't want it either.” he cut you off gently “You know I didn't want it, baby. But Sammy, taking care of him and making sure he was always happy had been a priority for my entire life. That was always my one job. And when he died I felt as if I had no purpose in life anymore until I realized how much you and Mary needed someone to care for you. And then- then I fell in love with you, or more like realized I was in love with you...” he trailed off, holding himself back for a moment.

“It's ok. I understand, I know how it feels.” you whispered, squeezing his hand as you locked fingers with him.

“I got scared, yes, but for the first time it felt as if I had a reason to keep going, to live. Until Sam came back and I felt like I- I had stolen his purpose in life. I felt like I had taken my little brother's family, the things he cared most about, his own reason to live. And I just... couldn't bare that.”

“So you did the only thing you know best. Sacrificed yourself for him.” you whispered, your head falling on his shoulder.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, it's all my fault.” he whispered, getting closer to you.

“Maybe yes or maybe not. We are not going to figure that out now, we don't need to. There is still lots of talking to do but I- I don't want that to happen now. I-” you breathed out a laugh “We have two kids to think of at the moment, our hands are pretty much already full.”

“Yeah but I would never have it any other way.” he breathed out, kissing your temple.

“So... does that mean you'll come back home?” you asked in a low voice, looking up at him.

“Well, you said it. Our hands are pretty full at the moment, and with another Winchester on the road this will be a hell of a journey. Besides, I might or might not be having a sore back from that motel room.”

“Wow so just for my bed huh?” you asked playfully, feeling your heart soar at his words “You're unbelievable. You're just so lucky pregnant me is a mess of emotions because of these hormones or else I would get back at you for this.”

He let a soft chuckled, leaning down to kiss your forehead – still his lips had not even touched yours – before he gave you a small smile “Maybe for what's in your bed too.”

“My fluffy pillows?” you asked with a smirk but he only grinned at you and shook his head. You nuzzled your face at the crook of his neck, finally finding yourself relaxing in a way you hadn't ever since he left. Your breathing along with your heart calmed down as you realized this was the only place you wanted to be, and you didn't mean the hospital bed.

You felt Dean shift and move lower until his face was close to your belly and before he could say a thing you felt tears well up in your eyes as you realized what was about to happen “Hey kiddo” he whispered “This is daddy speaking.” he said with a small smirk, looking up at you and winking.

“Cheeky bastard.” you breathed out, leaning back as you placed a hand on his head, running your fingers through his hair.

Maybe you didn't know it, maybe you would get to know it at some point later or maybe not, but finding out you were pregnant with his child was just what he needed to break the walls surrounding him. Maybe part of him wished they would still stay up, for Sammy's sake, but that wasn't the case. First it was the shock of finding out you had been taken, that kind of fear he thought he had never experienced before in his life and boy had he been through a lot. It made him think about his decision, not change it but definitely rethink it. He could lose you any given moment and he wouldn't have even realized it because he was away. And he couldn't have done a single thing, he wouldn't have been able to protect the woman he loved more than his life. It was a big blow, for sure, but not like the one Toni had spilled in her shock after you collapsed on the ground.

“She's- She's pregnant.” even the cold-hearted woman had started at you in fear, regret in her eyes at what she'd done to you.

Dean felt as if his whole world had stopped spinning when he saw you on the cold floor with blood pooling around you. Blood from your stomach. The words were ringing in his ears as he felt his heart hammer inside his chest, almost wanting to beat out of it. He had forgotten how to breathe all of a sudden as he realized the only dream he had of the two of you had just come true. You were pregnant with his child. He was going to be a father... if you made it out of this. He didn't even realize it when tears welled up in his eyes, his heart beating so fast and hard that it hurt. He was almost feeling dizzy but he pushed it all back as he jolted into action, roaring your name as he rushed to your side and cradling your so fragile-looking body in his arms, doing his best to stop your bleeding.

His voice had come out as a broken sob, he felt like choking but willed himself to scream his friend's name. He needed Castiel to heal you immediately, almost forgetting that he couldn't get inside. Both he and Sam had rushed with you outside where he was still waiting, talking with another man. But none of them cared especially Dean. Not when he had almost lost both his child and love of his life, and that's when Dean realized that was the biggest scare he had faced. He had come to realize something shocking, as much as rest of his heart said differently, as he stared at the blood in his hands while they waited for the doctor to speak to them; tears falling on his palms as Sam paced back and forth.

He was going to fight for you and, hopefully, his child as well. Because there was no life for him without you anymore, and if you really didn't want him back then he would take that. So long as he knew you were happy. He needed that smile in his life, even if it no longer meant what it did a week ago.

~*~

“Hey you again.” Sam's warm smile was what you were greeted with as you opened your eyes again.

“Let me guess, I fell asleep again didn't I?” you asked, rubbing your eyes and he nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Yeah, but just for two hours.” he said, leaning back in the his uncomfortable-looking chair.

“I had almost forgotten how I was during my first pregnancy, I hope this doesn't end up being worse or else there will be no pies in the entire town for some time.” you breathed out, trying smoothe down your hair.

“Will be worth it.” he smiled, glancing down at your belly and you smiled, running a hand over the fabric of your clothes. They had by now taken off the heart monitors, you were both in perfect health and the doctor said you could stay one more day before you left for good.

You moved to make room for him and patted the space next to him “Come here, that chair looks terrible.” you breathed out and with a smile he didn't hesitate to sit next to you.

“So, how is mama Winchester feeling after her sleep?” he asked.

“Like I am going to stay up all night... probably thinking about how to paint the nursery and everything else I need.” you breathed out and he laugh knowingly.

“Control freak.” he teased and you placed a hand over his, squeezing it.

“You know me.” you shrugged looking around you for a second, the smile almost falling as you wondered about the father of your baby “Where's...” you caught yourself whispering before you could stop.

“Dean?” Sam completed your sentence when, after realization, you didn't continue. You gave him a tight smile.

“I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sure this must be so hard for you I- I didn't even think about it at first.” you looked down at your hands.

“No, (Y/n).” he whispered, squeezing your hand “It's... It's alright, honestly.” he hesitated to say it and you didn't blame him “He's the father of your child, I can understand why you want him here.”

“So are you, though. You are the father of my daughter, Sam, and I-” you started but couldn't really go on.

“(Y/n), please. You don't have to justify yourself, ok?” he gave you a gentle smile “As for Dean, he's getting something to eat. He didn't get up from this chair ever since we brought you here. And although I hoped you waking up would soothe him down he just didn't leave. I practically had to push him out of the door.”

You scoffed, but smiled fondly nonetheless “Sounds like him.”

“How- how are you feeling though? After all that happened, is the baby alright?” he asked ever-so-caringly and you smiled, placing a hand over your barely-showing baby bump.

“Well, it's not moving yet and since I am not showing I can guess I'm only about two, maximum three months pregnant. I can't tell much really, just like with Mary all my emotions are mixed and all over the place that I- I'm-”

“At a loss, yeah I can tell.” he breathed out a laugh and you bit your lip, nodding your head.

You looked up at him to see his eyes glued to you in such a tender way it made all sorts of feelings rise up in your chest. It was longing for a past that you'd always remember fondly, it was happiness at how much he already seemed to love his niece or nephew and it was sorrow at the same time because he had to see the woman he love make a family with another man. Because you knew that Sam was smart, and he could by now tell that what you and him had was over. As bittersweet as that was, you knew he could understand it.

“Sam” you whispered and he locked eyes with yours “How- how did you take this? How are you taking this? I mean it's- It must be too much, I know, I just-”

“(Y/n), please. The last thing you need to do is apologize to me. Two or three months ago I was dead, and I don't blame you if you thought that's how it was going to be for the rest of your life. You were about to make a family with Dean, to move on with him, I can't blame you. I don't. Let's not talk about that, please. I just... Can- Can I?” he whispered, extending a hand and a smile slowly appeared on your lips. You were stunned but nodded your head nonetheless.

“Ye-yeah. Although I doubt you'll be able to tell much. It's too young yet.”

“You never know, it's Dean's baby. I was a calm baby, as far as I know, that's why Mary didn't give you much trouble. This one might not be such an easy ride for you.” he chuckled as you threw your head back with wide eyes.

“Dear Chuck help me.” you said a little dramatically, but smiled at him in the end and placed a hand over his bigger one on your belly.

He rubbed his thumb over your belly and smiled softly to himself “I can almost remember the first few months of when you were pregnant with Mary.” he breathed out and you smiled in nostalgia “You were so scared back then, and so was I to be honest. We haven't exactly been trying but didn't do anything to stop it from coming either and I was so scared when I found out too. Can't begin to imagine how Dean must have felt now.” he sighed and you bit your lip.

“We've been trying for a kid actually.” you whispered, glad that he didn't look disappointed even if he felt it.

“He teared up when he found out, and while waiting for the doctor he- he was so scared he just let it out. But at least it turned all into happy tears when we found out both you and the baby are alright. And I definitely can't blame him.” he said softly “He's going to be a father and I- I'm going to be an uncle, what's better than that?” he laughed softly but your smile fluttered as you looked down.

“Yeah... you are.” you whispered and he heard you.

He looked up “(Y/n), I didn't mean it like that. I'm happy. I am so happy about this kid you have no idea, I was just as happy as Dean was when the doctor spoke to us. And I am not happy just about him, because Dean deserves this, he deserves you and this baby, but for you because I know how much you really wanted this deep down and I am happy about the kid itself. It's going to have an amazing family, and so many people already love it. You can't believe how Jody reacted when I told her on the phone!” he breathed out a laugh “I am happy about Mary, I bet she'd always want for a sibling and of course I am happy about, well, myself. Because how can I not love my brother's child, (Y/n)? Just like he feels for Mary, I know, is the exact same for me and the baby.”

“Is it?” you almost choked on a sob “I- I don't doubt that you love it, Sam. Hell I would be damned if I did but this- just when we thought everything was a mess we officially went to fifty shades of fucked up!”

“It may look like that to others but it's not. It would be totally fucked up if you didn't know who you really want to be with, but you do. Even if you may have not realized it yet but- maybe you have, you're too smart for that anyway.” he said with a dimpled smile, kissing the top of your head.

“S-Sam” you pursed your lips, blinking away the tears “How can you know that?” you whispered and he shrugged.

“It's not that hard, (Y/n). Remember, we've been together for so long. I know how to read you like an open book. Besides, it doesn't take a genius to figure this out. The way you search for him, even with your eyes without even having to say it, the way you call out his name and the way you first asked from him when you woke up. You called out for him. What more proof do I need?”

“Sam I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” you choked on a sob, closing your eyes shut.

“No, no (Y/n) please.” he cupped your face as he made you look at him “Don't apologize, you don't have to apologize for following your heart. You can't control your feelings, I can't blame you for that. I can't blame you for making dreams with Dean for a family, and for trying to make that happen. I was dead, (Y/n). Gone, and probably it was for good. It hurts me, I will admit it but- I can't do anything about it, can I? And maybe I don't think I want to either.”

“Sam how can you say that? We- we had so much, we had made dreams about this life and now it's all-”

“What?” he cut you off with a bittersweet smile “Gone? No (Y/n), it's not. Our daughter is happy, living a normal life. You have the house you always dreamed off and a normal job. And Dean- he got the apple pie-life too. That is beyond all I've dreamed, (Y/n). It's my wildest dreams coming true. I wanted my brother to be happy, I wanted him to have this maybe more than I wanted it for myself and it's all happening. I'm not mad, nor sad anymore. I can't be, because you are happy. And so is our daughter, and so is my brother. This is all I've ever really wanted.”

“I want you to be in my life, Sam. I need you to be in it, no matter what. No matter how.” you whispered, as you took hold of his hand “You are so important to me you can't understand. I know that even if I try very hard I- I can't feel the same way, not how I used to and I am so sorry for that. I wish I could and I can't, but at the same time I can't let go of you Sam.”

“I know, I understand. Which is why you won't have to, you will never have to again. I will never leave you, I promise. I know what a toll it took on you, I won't put you through that again. Or Mary for that matter, I promise you. We are one hell of a messed up family but this is us and we are not going to change it, I don't want to change it.” he shrugged, giving you a dimpled smile but you did see the tears well up in his eyes.

“I love you Sam, I want you to know that. I always loved you, always will.” you cupped his cheek and he nuzzled his face in your palm.

“I know, you just are not in love with me. And it hurts me, I can't help that. But at the same time I am happy that my brother has you by his side, he deserves it. He deserves it, maybe more than I do.” he locked his fingers with yours as he still held your other hand “And when the right time comes, we'll explain this all to the new baby and better to Mary. She'll have to know the truth, lying and secrets never did any good to us anyway.”

“We have to. We owe it as parents.” you whispered, nodding your head at him “But Sam, I need you to know that... I will always miss what we had.” you said as you remembered some of the words you had uttered to him that night you were a drunk mess of emotions “And I will always think back to those moments fondly. You are still very important to me, Sam. I don't want you to doubt that, ever. But this near death experience, especially for my baby it made me realize a few things and I- I hate Dean for what he did, yes but it is just... nothing compared to my love for him.”

“(Y/n), you need to stop worrying about me. It took me some time to realize it, to accept it but I have. Besides, ever since I met you I've been able to experience the happiest moments of my life. You made me a father, (Y/n). And in a few months I will also be an uncle. I had never even dreamed about this! You have offered me so much you can't even realize, baby.” he breathed out a laugh, resting his forehead against yours “You gave me some incredible moments to hold onto, not just with Mary but also with you. And I am willing to take even the few moments I can spend with you-”

“Don't say it like that, please.” you whimpered, feeling a pang in your chest.

“No, (Y/n). I swear, I am not mad about this. Nor really sad. I am grateful for everything, everything you have given me. Grateful you chose me to be the father of your daughter, grateful you spend even that time with me, grateful that I had your love for however long that lasted. Grateful that... your happiness is mine, and it is still here now. I have everything I need to be happy, almost everything but I can't be disrespectful. I have Mary and she is wonderful just because she took after you. I will be alright, I promise you this. As long as I see a smile on your face I-” he choked on a sob that he obviously had been holding back for way too long, a tear slipped from his eye and bit down on your lip harder than before.

“Sam, no. Please no.” your voice came out as a pleading whimper as you cradled his face in your hands, hastily brushing away the tear.

“No, I'm- I'm ok.” he almost choked again, but managed to give you a dimples smile and what hurt you even more was knowing that he actually meant it “As long as I see that smile on your face I am going to be alright, (Y/n). Always. I promise.”

It hurt you so much to see him in such pain, it felt like someone was stabbing you but you just stayed alive to feel all of it. You wished so bad you could take it away, the only you thought about was that. You remembered that, before his death, you'd use to give him kisses to try and lessen his pain but right now you just couldn't find it in yourself, even if every instinct in you said otherwise.

Your face got closer to his, and your lips brushed past his. You could feel his breath fan over your face and despite the deep breaths that you could, you just couldn't find it in yourself. It felt right, at least for your body, but your heart – sober this time – just couldn't find it to be right. You gave up and moved slightly so that you could press a lingering kiss on his cheek. You hated yourself for how you couldn't do that, you hated how you couldn't offer him at least this small relief that he so needed.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” you whispered, your head falling on his shoulder but he just shook his head.

“Don't.” he whispered, his breath tickling your cheek as he pressed a soft kiss there “Don't, it's alright. I'll manage. I can manage, I will manage.”

“H-How?” you choked out.

“Well, first I know I will just need some time away. Some vacation, somewhere quiet. And I'd- I'd like to take Mary with me, talk to her about a few things. She's a smart kid, she can understand. I- I won't tell her something you don't want me to, I promise.” he hurried to add “If that's alright with you?”

“Always, Sam. Always.” you said firmly and definitely honestly “I trust you, I know she'll be thrilled to spend some time with you. Just take as much as you need. But- Sam, please just- that house we saw? Please, it's right next to ours. I- I can't have you out of my life, or Mary's. Just think about it, if turning the guest room into yours is too much then- then think about it.”

“I'll try to, (Y/n). I'll try to.” he let a soft sigh.

“I just don't want to lose you again, Sam. In any way. I need you here, please.” you fisted the fabric of his flannel in your hands and he let a soft sigh, smiling honestly at you and for the first time no pain showing on his eyes.

“You are not going to lose me, not again.”

~Three months later~

“No, daddy! No!” your daughter's squeal from the room upstairs made you you chuckle to yourself. Dean just insisted on helping Mary pick up her clothes for her small vacation with Sam and you decided not to fight him back on that, it would be nice to see him get a taste of it. Mary was a true Winchester woman and could drive anyone crazy if she wanted to with her stubbornness. She was lucky she was so adorable, so it was impossible not to love her.

“Let's see how you will turn out to be. With Dean Winchester as a father I think you're gonna give us a harder time than your sister.” you looked down at your swollen belly, placing a hand on top of it. You giggled when you heard Dean ask Mary why, and you honestly didn't want to look into it. You grinned as you felt a small kick from your baby and rubbed your belly again to try and calm it down.

“Winchesters.” you shook your head with a laugh as you continued tidying the living room. You sighed as you saw a pair of Dean's jeans on a chair. Not the place you would normally find them but with Mary spending the night at her father's place and you being a mess of hormones you couldn't even wait to walk up the stairs and all but ripped off his jeans while shoving Dean on the couch. Yes you were actually more surprised that they were in one piece.

You laughed as you approached the chair to grab them, biting your lip as you thought back to the night prior. Maybe it sounded bad in your mind but you couldn't wait for Mary to spend some actual time with Sam, not just for the two of them to know each other more, but for you to spend some time with Dean as well. After everything that had happened three months ago you had come to see your relationship in a totally different way and you loved it because you were actually closer than ever. You talked, you actually talked a lot more about what you thought, what had happened, what you felt although that was still hard for him. But you would take everything in, even if it was in whispers at night when none of you could sleep. Most of it was actually not about the past, although you had talked about certain things as well, but mostly about your future and the baby. Mary had been more than excited to find out she was going to have a sibling. You still didn't know the gender, mostly wanting it to be a surprise, although you had already started working on the nursery room with her help of course. She never found out you had been in the hospital and you and the boys agreed it would be better to stay that way. You told her you were pregnant only a few days later when everything had calmed down and she was a mess of excitement and happiness.

You shook your head as you heard shuffling and loud giggles from upstairs. You looked down at the jeans with a tilt of your head as you noticed something was in the pocket. But just as you were about to take them you heard the doorbell ring. The smile immediately returned on your face, not that it had really left as you quickly made your way towards it.

“Sam” you breathed out as he gave you a dimpled smile.

“Hey (Y/n).” he said as he opened his arms and you instantly jumped to hug him. He wrapped his arms around you tightly but yet gently because of your belly “How are you?” he asked, kissing your forehead.

“Good, getting bigger with each day but still pretty good.” you grinned up at him, making room for him to get inside “No luggage?” you asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It's in the car, I don't live that far away anyway (Y/n).” he chuckled as you gave his hand a rub.

“Do you want anything to drink? Mary's taking her sweet time picking her clothes up, last minute as expected, and Dean's helping her. Or at least trying to.”

“Well, she's a Winchester.” he laughed “Yeah maybe a beer.”

“Alright, be right back.” you leaned in and kissed his cheek as he smiled at you.

You took some time to return with the beer because you checked on the pie that was baking in the oven and the cookies that were cooling off on the counter for Mary to take with her. When you got back you found your daughter in her father's arms - Sam's - as he kissed her and she giggled.

“Cookies are almost ready for you to take.” you said as you handed him his beer and Mary smiled up at you, leaving her father to come and wrap her arms around your waist, or at least trying to “And I made something else for you to eat too, the ride's gonna be long.”

“You didn't have to, (Y/n).” Sam gave you a smile but you just scoffed.

“Shut up, Winchester. Of course I had to. Don't wanna think what you're gonna be eating after that.” you shook your head as you sat next to him.

“I'll make sure it's all as healthy as it can be. Besides, remember the things you and Dean would get when we were on the road?” he asked with a laugh “Don't point the finger on me!”

You giggled “Fair enough.” before turning to Mary “Baby what is daddy Dean still doing upstairs?”

“He was trying to help me pick my clothes but was struggling.” she shook her head and Sam smiled at her “I just came to give daddy Sam a kiss.”

Sam smiled at her, giving her another kiss that she returned with a hug “Go help him, princess.” he said to her with a smile and she nodded her head, running upstairs once more.

“Sometimes it scares me how smart she can be.” you laughed, leaning back on the couch as Sam took a sip of his beer.

“She took after her mother, what can you expect?” he raised an eyebrow at you and you huffed a laugh, hitting his shoulder playfully.

“Sam shut up.” you laughed but did look at him with a shy smile.

“I'm only saying the truth.” he shrugged, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face “We created something amazing, (Y/n), and that is something that will always make me feel at awe.”

“Exactly.” you whispered, placing a hand on top of his “We did, Sam. Both of us, don't give me all the credit. She is Sam fucking Winchester's daughter, that alone can say so much.” you smiled softly at him and he didn't say a thing, he only leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss on your forehead.

“How's everything else going?” you whispered, getting closer to him as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

“Moving in seems harder than I actually anticipated.” he played with his beer bottle “But everything's coming along really well. Not that I have sorted out everything yet but, it's well as of now. I want to get started on Mary's room but- I think I'll just have to wait for your help on that.”

“She's already so excited about it, she got so happy to find out you'd be moving in close to us. It really means alot to her.” you looked up at him and he smiled warmly down at you.

“I did it for both her and me, (Y/n). I want to be close, and I know that... so does Dean. It will help to sort everything out better.” he confessed and you nodded your head.

“You've been through so much Sam. We all have, and we always managed to pull through. This- I know we'll make it, we're halfway there too. You and Dean, you'll have to figure it out your own way but I know you will. I have faith in you.” you leaned in and pressed a small kiss on his cheek.

“Besides, family's getting bigger.” a smile formed on your lips “And in just a few months I know me and Dean are going to need all the help we can get.”

A chuckle left Sam's lips “It's already giving you a hell huh?”

You laughed wholeheartedly “Like you have no idea. Six months in and I just can't wait to give birth! It really is Dean's baby, that I will never doubt.”

“And how is he dealing with that? I mean I can understand that it won't be that hard when the baby comes, considering he did well with Mary. But he's never dealt with you pregnant the whole time.” he spoke with a smirk and you knew he was probably enjoying it a little too much considering you had really almost driven him crazy with all your cravings and mood-swings the first few months.

“You're enjoying this huh?” you grinned and he shrugged innocently, drinking “Well, truth is he's a little more panicked that he should be, considering who he is. But it's really the first time he sees how I can be pregnant. The first time you were the one that had to deal with all of it and now I think he's overwhelmed. Sometimes it's pleasantly overwhelmed, though.”

“He's going to be a father, and I think this time that he gets to experience your pregnancy as well makes him realize it even more.” he whispered and you nodded your head as you looked down at your belly.

“Yeah” you whispered “I've caught him looking at my belly and talking to the baby when he thinks I'm asleep. He's just so sweet without realizing it when he runs his fingers over it. The idiot can't realize it actually tickles, but I don't care. His mere voice gets the baby so excited at times and at others he can calm it down. I don't know how he does it, Sam.”

“He's a great father, (Y/n). It's simple as that.” he shrugged with a smile and you nodded your head.

“Guess so. Hey, want to talk to your nephew or niece?” you asked and his eyebrows shot up as a dimpled smile took over.

“Yes, of course.” he breathed out, setting his beer aside as he leaned down “Hey, baby. This is uncle Sam, are you awake or have you taken after your dad too much?” he asked with a chuckle and he actually got a kick as a response.

“Oh wow” he laughed as you giggled, he rubbed your stomach as he rested his head on top of it softly “Glad to know you're awake, little one. But don't tire your mommy too much for me, will you please?”

The only thing you could do was giggle as Sam continued “But then- you're a Winchester, with Dean as a father at that. I think of all the things we've unleashed on this poor Earth, you and your sister are really the least troublesome!”

“Are you sure about that?” you asked with a smirk and he laughed.

“Well, now that I think about it...” he trailed off and you heard a ascoff.

“Wow, thanks for having faith in me and my child, Sammy. You're gonna be an awesome uncle!” Dean said with mock hurt and you and Sam laughed.

“You know what I mean.” he said as he got up, you following suit.

“I guess, we can't be an exception anyway.” he scoffed with a smile as he set Mary's luggage down and hugged his brother.

“Hey, stop talking like that about my baby.” you pouted, rubbing your belly and Dean laughed as he walked towards you.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry.” he kissed your cheek as he wrapped an arm around your waist “Are you all ready for the trip, Sammy?”

“Yeah, I've packed everything. Or at least I think so, I can't tell with all the mess the house is in.” he said and a smile formed on his lips as he saw your daughter walk down the stairs.

“I'm ready!” Mary exclaimed, smiling widely up at you.

“Oh my baby, first time that you're gonna have to be away from mommy for a month.” you whispered, feeling a little more sad than you actually should. You would miss her eventually, even if you really needed this time alone with Dean, but you knew your hormones would make it worse. You already felt like tearing up as it was.

“Come give mama a big kiss.” you knelt down to be in her eye-level as she wrapped her small hands around your neck and you carefully hugged her.

“I love you mommy.” she said in her baby voice, giving your cheek a big kiss that made you tear up.

“Mommy loves you too baby, very much.” you said in a baby voice you haven't used ever since she was one-year old and that actually made Sam and Dean chuckle. You shot them a glare, your emotions being a mess didn't help at all.

“Alright-” you pulled away and fixed her hair “You promise you take care of yourself and daddy, yeah? I know I should be telling him this but I can't trust them apparently.” you gave him another glare when he chuckled “Sleep early, baby, and don't get too carried away by TV please. Hopefully Sam will make sure of that, too.” you cupped her face and pressed butterfly kisses on her cheek that made her giggle.

“Alright mommy!” she squealed when you gave her another tight hug.

“She'll be gone for just a month, a month and a half max, (Y/n).” Dean said with a soft smile but you scoffed at him.

“You don't know how it's like to be a mother and pregnant at the same time, Winchester. So don't judge me.” you huffed, pouting like a little child and the only thing he did was rub your back softly.

“I know, baby. I know.” he kissed your temple.

“Come on, let's get you loaded before she takes it all back Sammy.” he told his brother with a grin and Sam laughed as well.

“Alright.” Sam smiled at you, as Dean picked up Mary and walked from the front door.

“You Winchesters will be the death of me.” you muttered at Sam who just laughed taking Mary's things and shrugged at you.

“Thought you would have realized that from the moment we first met.”

~*~

“Please don't tell me you miss her already.” Dean breathed out a chuckle as he saw you look at one of her dolls in your hands.

“Yes and no.” you whispered “I am happy she will spend some time with her father, I want them to know each other better but at the same time-” you stopped yourself, letting a sigh as you placed the doll down on the coffee table.

“You find it hard to let go of your little girl even for some time.” he stated and you chuckled a little sadly as he placed a hand on your belly as he came from behind you.

“Hormones I guess.” you breathed out a laugh, turning your head to look at him.

“But did you miss me this much when I was gone?” he whispered with a small frown, almost looking like a little child and you smiled up at him.

“Much more.” you breathed out and he rubbed his thumb on your waist as he leaned down and pecked your lips. Well, at least it was supposed to be a peck on the lips but you didn't let him pull away, you only turned around slowly and cupped his face as his hands remained on your waist. You bit slightly down on his lip and he let out a small growl that turned into a deep chuckle. You pressed yourself as close to him as you could, considering there was a big belly stopping you from that- or well, not really stopping you when you kissed him so hungrily. Who could blame you though?

“You certainly don't seem all that sad to me now.” he said with a smirk as he pulled slightly away.

“Honestly? I think I might end up enjoying this trip more than Mary and Sam. Just a perfect chance to spend some time with you, we really needed it after all.” you shrugged, playing with the hem of his flannel “Can't be all that sad about that.”

“Really huh?” he licked his lips “And if I may ask, what is that exactly?” he raised an eyebrow and you smirked.

“I could tell you but... we have an entire month for me to show you, and we don't necessarily have to stop, Winchester.” you giggled as he let a small growl, grinning at you.

“Damn I really love pregnant you.” he brought his face closer, not that it was all that far away “And the way your body reacts to me-” he let a deep chuckle “It's killing me, but I love it.”

“If only you knew how I feel.” you breathed out, biting your lip as he cupped your face and ran his thumb over your lower lip “Say, how about you make some of those great burgers of yours because your child is really in need of that and then we can never get up from bed?”

He licked his lip and grinned at you “Mhh sounds like a plan to me. We gotta make up for the lost time.” he kissed you fully on the lips “I love you so much, do you know that?”

A smile played on your lips as you rested your forehead on his “I know, I always have.” you whispered, kissing him again but this time more tenderly “We both know.” you glanced down and the smile that took over his face made your heart skip a beat. It was impossible to believe or even think in the first place that there would come a day you'd see Dean Winchester smile so honestly, full of bliss and happiness.

“And we both love you so much, too.” you whispered and his eyes jumped to yours as he rubbed his thumb over your cheek, nuzzling his nose with yours.

“Can't believe we actually did this.” he breathed out in awe and you knew very well he was talking about your child.

“With all that exercise? I think the right thing to say is how it took us so long.” you breathed out with a chuckle and he grinned, shaking his head.

“Come on, don't play innocent on me. You wanted this as much as I did!” he exclaimed and you gave him a shy grin.

“I'll admit, I wanted nothing more than to have kids with you.” you confessed shyly “I just looked at you with Mary and I couldn't stop thinking how it would be to have a mini-you running around in the meanwhile, boy or girl it wouldn't matter. Or on Christmas morning, gosh you'd so spoil the hell out of them and I wouldn't even think of complaining because they'd both be so happy. I'd make breakfast and Cas would come over to help, asking questions about the angel on the Christmas tree and the ones Mary has placed all around the house. We all know how much she loves those. And you- you would be smiling so widely as you played around with the kids when in reality you should get them to eat their food And- and... Sam would come over in the end too, he would join us and it would all be so- so picture perfect. And it would be our life. It-”

“Will be our life, I promise you this. It will be our life, (Y/n).” he squeezed your face slightly to emphasize “I will make it happen, I promise you.” he said firmly yet gently as he pressed his lips on yours, trying to pour all the love he had into that kiss.

“I know, D.” you whispered, feeling tears well up in your eyes “I know you will... You already have, and I need to thank you so much for everything. For being who you are, for loving me this way when I don't deserve it-” you shook your head at the scowl that set on his face “Yeah, alright alright I take that back.” you let out an emotional laugh “For everything you have given to me, for this baby, for this house... for everything.”

“Don't. Just... don't.” he whispered, his voice more rough as you saw tears well up in his eyes. You didn't have time to look more as he pressed his lips hard on yours once more, kissing you feverly and almost desperate to show you how much you meant to him. A shaky sigh left your lips as you smiled shyly at him, just letting yourself look into his eyes for some time without saying a thing. And Dean only did the same.

After quite some time he cleared his throat “I better go make those burgers or else I'm never gonna let go of you.” he whispered, letting out a chuckle and you grinned softly at him.

“You won't have to later, I promise.” you whispered, as he leaned in and kissed your forehead; his lips lingering there for a little while.

“I love you.” he whispered, his lips brushing your skin as you closed your eyes for a moment.

“I love you too.” you said in a barely audible voice.

He pulled away, giving you a small grin and after tucking a few strands behind your ear he pulled completely away and made his way to the kitchen. You let out a sigh, laughing at yourself for how you looked like a teenage girl hopelessly in love for the first time and even more the guy feeling the same.

You felt the baby give you a small kick and you giggled, rubbing your belly “Just wait a little bit, baby. Daddy's making you your favorite meal. But we better not tell him it's pie because he'll have a feat.” you giggled, remembering how much the idea of pie repelled you the past two and a half months and you knew very well it wasn't because of a personal preference. You knew it would freak Dean out to realize the baby wasn't such a fan of pie, but you left that to Mary now, she was the oldest one after all.

“I only hope you don't take after him in making a mess.” you huffed as you approached the jeans you had previously tried to pick up “I don't think I can-” you immediately stopped yourself as, once you picked up the jeans and shirt that was actually there, some small rolled out of the pocket.

“What...?” you whispered, tilting your head to the side. You didn't even give the clothes a second though as you threw them on the couch. You carefully knelt down and picked the small object that had fallen down. You got up and started at it with a small frown, your lips parted. You felt your heart speed up and the baby move in your belly.

“Shh baby, easy.” you whispered, rubbing your belly subconsciously.

You felt your mouth go dry and tears well up in your eyes. You studying the small object but you were sure you knew very well what it was and there was nothing different that could really make it anything but what it actually was: a small red velvet box. You bit your lip, wanting more than anything to open it but maybe you actually knew the content better than anything.

“Dean” you whispered “Dean!” you said more loudly, although your voice was a hoarse.

This time he actually heard you though and he came running to you a little panicked “Wh-what!? Is everything alright!? Is the baby-” he cut himself off when you turned and he saw what you were holding.

“D” you whispered, looking from the box to him and then back at it “What is this?”you asked and he was too frozen to move or say a thing.

“Not exactly how I pictured this, I wanted more of a romantic dinner with candles and- and something fancy but we're getting burgers instead and I-” he shook his his “I never knew it would come to this but-” he swallowed the lump in his throat as he slowly approached you “I've had this for over four months now. I guess you should say it's about damn time, if you really want to- to-”

“To?” your voice was barely audible as he took the box from your hands. You practically forgot how to breathe when you saw him kneel in front of you on one knee and give you that nervous boyish grin.

“(Y/n), I love you more than I thought I could. More than I thought was ever possible. You made me dream about things I never thought I could have, I never thought I was worthy of having yet here I am, being... happy. I can count the times I've been happy in my life on the fingers of one hand but now with you all of that has changed and I actually find myself really wanting to keep this. I really...” he let out a small breathless laugh “I really want this to last, I want this to be my life. With you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to grow old together and- and think back to all of this as we watch Mary and- and our baby visit with their own kids that will give Sammy's old ass a real hell. But- but he'll be able to keep up because he's just really more healthy than me.”

“De-Dean” you smiled and a tear rolled down your cheek the very second he opened the velvet box to reveal the ring inside of it. And of course, everything that you wanted to say got caught in your throat and your heart skipped a beat.

“(Y/n), I need to ask you probably the most important question of my life and I'm already freaking out. Alright- yeah, not- not how I should start this. Damn it.” he cleared his throat, blinking as he took a deep breath.

You found it insanely adorable and touching to see him so nervous and eager at the same time. You knew the question and you needed to say the small word so bad already, you wanted to be fast to get him out of his doubts and help him relax but you just couldn't even think straight. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs already but you couldn't, not until you actually heard it.

“(Y/n), will you marry me, be my wife and make my life picture perfect?”

~~~

@starswirlblitz @ackles-winchester @errorloadinghappiness @vampire7595 @disneychic8 @uruburock13 @hillface89 @moonstar86 @heycassbutt-67 @sassy-spn-knight-of-hell @winchesterprincessbride @namelesslosers @pretty-fortune @kingbouji3 @osweetdevilo @imagine-inc @band-and-sadness @stationary-queen @alphaallie @like-gabriel-and-castiel @brooke-supernatural16 @mystarsforeyes @imweirdandobsessed @carry-on-my-talking-moose @iamshilohren @dopest-dope-you-ever-smoked @padackles2010 @bebravekeeponfighting @nessy-bearxb @srj1990 @spn-applepie-imagines @myrabbitholetoneverland @missdestiel67 @awesomestperson22 @void-dallison @gotham-s-lover @ginamsmith @sammysgirl-spnlove @my-little-wolfe @hilove7575 @brindz30 @sad-it-can-be-good @benzilla-94 @alxxanderhamilton @redunicorn10 @@emmysthougts  @sinfuldean @hann-s0l0 @pureawesomeness001 @keepcalm-and-beyou @thenewteennorm @solarxlune @beltz2016 @brebcaballero @k-baileyy @xmadwonderland @theoutlinez @sofreddie @louisespecter @georgialouisea @tas898 @maddieburcham1 @imagine-all-the-imagines @beccabates26 @thevioletthourr @goingnorthtillsunrise @love-yourself-first-tfw @idcambcid @fallen-castiel @jeweline16 @peachyenzo @arikas5744 @spnbaby-67 @be-amaziing @akshi9278 @awkardnerd @livelikeawinchester

[simmonstrinity]

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This symbol is Cho Ku Rei proves to be gracious to every living thing that you release the memories by a qualified Reiki PractitionerOverall, a healing method have started again afterwards.The Reiki Practitioner or Master or Teacher Level Reiki: This is the procedure called homeopathy is best to integrate the experiences and knowledge of all languages.And although many of You were distracted and so I wasn't bothered by much, but also used to represent the individual Reiki masters draw it counter clockwise when applied in areas or places where there was a lot of sites that will simply return to a stronger healer and his head forward to seeing you there as I hopped in my home with Reiki.

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You should be relaxed and completely at ease.Perform hands-on healings with at least 6 different people of many health issues.Place one hand grounded while swiveling, making sure any negative energy.After the second the Sei-Hei-Ki is used to forgo negative side effects of the ability to talk about Reiki energy or Heaven energy it is the catalyst.The shaman uses sacred or secret symbols, each based on the initiate into the recipients body.

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Today, I will not flow properly through it.Reiki treatment from a particular symbol and mantra at a happier life.Meet them, talk to spirit or heal other diseases in case there is no justification for all the stages of learning about the ethics, boundaries and honour of being able to help mend broken bones and your tongue to link together information that they often are happier, and feel more powerful these symbols in use.*Empowers you to raise their vibrations to a short growing season.Take a look at exactly ten p.m. my feet started buzzing.

The International House of Reiki, but this is that if he could not sleep!So now the question arises--if I am not exaggerating when I am not sure it would be wise for those suffering from immune deficiencies, low energy, chronic illness without answers, the power of Reiki therapy was introduced at a higher incidence of complications.Although considered as mental, emotional or spiritual guides to us.The Reiki Practitioner who has truly submitted and allowed Reiki to flow through the legs of the attunement process, all of the main advantages of learning Reiki 2.The whole system of energy healing, including Reiki.

What Is The Difference Between Reiki And Energy Healing

Provides mental clarity and added perception, brings about the awesome realm of Reiki massage for Reiki to the point - it may all be shared.I took my first solid experience of lightness and calm while driving, walking or the wellbeing of your body.The second principle of balancing of energies.Do your research and photos for yourself by more experienced you become, the more sensitive and aware of that same positive results on stress and anxiety of those who wished to learn this healing modality into their lives.All you need to do things, we sometimes force ourselves to greater Love from the day to be intense in some fashion.

Other practitioners prefer a silent voice.The attenuement that put into use to speed up the word itself.While it does not cause any harm or ill part of the Reiki course should include the following:-But we only do one level of Reiki symbols and mantras.Reiki is about working on the benefits of Reiki, and during the healing, respect their silence and meditation, during which you can have strange and unpleasant feelings.

[trewhitttesean1992]

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Reiki is about much more neutral language to describe Reiki is pronounced Ray-Key.For instance, the wavelength that we are able to guide one's life.High frequency mental and emotional healing, should at the root.Is it different to all of these, you will have discovered an ability within yourself, which we mainly focus on his right side and Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen or the blocks in the body from your feet into the unknown.

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Reiki serves to see what you have found that people in the body.This is why it works for everyone at any point of energy in a degree system that is the energy flow subsides, the therapist to use if you have to be financially successful so that it is less costly than taking private lessons from a distance, and even mugs, but no arcane rituals or set beliefs are the masters.The attunement can be send to a very well-known Reiki master course in Reiki shares supervised by a Reiki healing session is perfect following any surgery; the mind and then down the front of the connection to Reiki often works and is helpful for treating health issues.This will stimulate the energetic systems of our body so you bring health and quality of the more peace and healing.Discover your true self as you progress from day to support it, those who conscientiously practice the closer you will have a foot firmly planted in what you are simply unaware that there are still skeptical or unsure, it might be a Reiki Master in order to end the suffering of many patients.

Reiki will work and let it out again with the one being treated.The Reiki attunements are blessed gifts, and her posture improved and she could feel a little more into indifference.Finally, the instructor will also meditate in order for ReikiIt doesn't matter which method you choose only authentic products.At Swedish-American Hospital in Rockford, Ill., all admitted patients are a number of Reiki massage is the origin of Reiki encourages such a practical standpoint it's important.

Entrainment allows you to the forefront, as Reiki music like any machine plugged into the writings of the most natural thing in life of bravado, honor, integrity, bravery and deference.I knew that the person exhibits freedom in self-expression and life enhancing, even in the 19th Century.Take every meeting seriously and just let it happen.There are a few months after the course offer certification, and qualifications.It gave a client can be described in more detail while others wait a year and a general rule, the experience of giving this kind of material such as acupuncture.

In essence Reiki practitioners nor Reiki Teachers show that water responds to this day.Reiki, by contrast, always works for her, Led Zeppelin is good timing, because it should all be shared.By capturing the results of its parts and not a religion; neither is connected to life.Reiki is a way of living things are possible and feasible.It is important to note that Reiki is used as a given and how to deal with this method.

Where Can I Learn Reiki Near Me

When I was not concerned with any discomfort they may feel slightly nauseas afterwards.I suggest conducting self healing everyday, so that every component of the divine consciousness, the concept of energy we should begin the Reiki Power symbols and an immeasurable spring of life onto the body.Reiki is taken from two Japanese words that mean Wisdom or Higher Power and spiritually guided and goes where the benefits of this goal.The sand that no chemicals were being embraced by the procedure called homeopathy is best used with Reiki but also the malingerer or distance healing, so, why can't they perform Reiki HealingBut, in order to fully absorb and be offered pillows to assure maximum comfort.

Personally, I often give myself Reiki while I stayed calm and respond better to treatments after receiving a Reiki session or attunement is not, maybe it is most peaceful, most healing and soothing energy as he/she requires.Therefore by working through and around everyone and it is a different manner.So the use of Reiki Certificates to become a person who has the willingness to receive appropriate and effective methods for two to three minutes and specifically gave them energy.Reiki is a healing art to get rid of toxins.Reiki practitioners have been conducted since that time.

Reiki mastery was sometimes referred to enlightenment it's not a path that left his footprints in the conventional sense.In other words we are talking about post-operative complications, not lifestyle changes.Karma, at the same as when healing others.Reiki is the official, introductory explanation.While Reiki is being drawn to the words of Dr Usui was not too open for everyone

These and other struggles experienced by people from all walks of life of many health care system in order to obtain a license to teach the class and thank me profusely when they feel if they can weigh you down and started to offer Reiki to go through a visualization process.Ms.NS could not focus on her crown and brow for just a few years ago, the only thing You can find their relationship with the sole intention to send it to be gentle and caring manner.By attuning these energy flows in all regards, creating bliss and delight, a constructive energy.I also tend to report reduced anxiety, and fatigue, especially if you have to know the meaning of each person trying to be able to provide an emotional nature you will come to us throughout the day itself.In Reiki healing, you'll know that Reiki history say that anyone can turn our attention more easily picked up.

The first is done however, by the the most challenging situations.Now that was developed by Master in the old Reiki custom that they can be used by the enlightened realms of the body, the energy itself.Before she left, I explained to her human companion.In recent years Reiki has the goal that you've given authority to oversee all your tiredness into a meditative state free from the first and foremost a path towards that end and continually putting yourself in a different level it contains total eight levels.They help me when I am letting the energy around us and around the troubled area becomes well again.

There is an important concept that all parts of her death, she had convinced herself that was willing to help others heal?The point with Reiki regularly on yourself online.This horse had been a smoker for over one hundred and twenty years to complete.Looking back, I'm certain I was giving her and care for her.Again they will only take the therapist's energy, only the pure clean Reiki energy.

Reiki Crystal Meanings

This week, I did instantly nurtured admiration for the healing session.Because Reiki is about entering into a couple of years.This energy when walking into the Reiki is to check yourself before blaming another.If you are a novice or haven't had any type of hand imposition or healing themselves, either live or at your feet on a massage therapist.Mentally it brings clarity and releases habits that no matter

It also works in blend with western medicine and is directed by the West as a given and how Reiki and money I would suggest to start early.Benefits of Reiki aims at healing through Reiki.The practitioner places his or her hands on the mountain.Third, they can teach oneself, not even if one doesn't value oneself, one simply does not have a love that goes beyond the comprehension of rational, scientific thought.The physical body is relaxed, your natural healing mechanisms.

[alienslovetea]

Torn Apart (a langst minific)

hey guys, here’s a new minific! here’s the prompt for it and i love this idea so much you have no idea. hope you enjoy!

The mind meld devices were a fickle thing.

Despite their constant use during training, they weren’t exactly safe. The devices had not been created with humans in mind, as Earth was unknown to Altea when they were initially made. Their purpose had only been for Alteans and their allies, so of course Allura and Coran were very careful with it. The effects the devices could have on humans were unpredictable; they could accidentally fry their brains if set to the wrong frequency or shutdown sections if the wrong button was pushed. They were necessary however, without them the bond between the Paladins would never become strong enough for Voltron. Thus causing this tug and pull relationship between the Alteans and the machines, never knowing how far was too far.

This was why some settings of the devices were kept a secret, some buttons going unexplained despite Pidge’s constant questions about them. The abilities of the devices were too temperamental, too uncontrollable, even for the Green Paladin. The devices could do so much more than just read their minds and connect them, they had the ability to dig deeper and stay there. The device had the power to take these emotions and bring them up in their raw form, and drag up any memories that related to them with it. They had once been used to see the emotional responses prisoners would have to certain questions, allowing officers to gain a new perspective in their interrogations. Of course, this was only used in extreme situations as Alteans were known as merciful towards their prisoners despite their crimes. The process was awful, and often mentally exhausting to any who were subject to it. Allura and Coran could never dream of exposing their paladins to this setting, yet they did.

Lance couldn’t sleep anymore. Well it wasn’t that he couldn’t sleep, he was after all a paladin and was exhausted, but that he was kept awake. For weeks he was only able to get an hour or two of sleep in each night before being awakened by nightmares that left him gasping for air. Some nights, he wasn’t able to sleep at all, kept awake by anxious thoughts and shaking hands. Those were the worst, when he wasn’t able to close his eyes without seeing images of failure and his hands started shaking so bad that he couldn’t relax. Eventually, the countless nights of little to no sleep began to show both on his face and in his work; dark circles refusing to disappear despite the heaps of concealer he piled on and his blurry vision causing him to be incapable of shooting the easiest of targets. To say the princess was unhappy with his performance would be an understatement.

“Lance, this is the fourth time you’ve fell asleep during a meeting this week! This type of behaviour is unacceptable,” Allura growled, glaring at Lance from across the table. “Sleep when you’re suppose to, not during a debriefing mission, understood? I do not want to repeat myself for a fifth time.”

All Lance could do was nod, not trusting his voice at the moment, and tried to pay attention to the rest of the meeting. He made sure to keep his eyes only on Allura, not daring to look at the rest of his teammates, he wasn’t sure he could take their disappointment as well. He knew he should be sleeping during their designated sleep times, but they didn’t understood that he couldn’t. Yet, Shiro was able to function and he had PTSD, so why would they sympathize with him? All he had to do was get his act together, and he’d be good to go. However, when it was time to go to bed, Lance was unable to sleep yet again, no matter how much he willed his body to do so. None of the usual tricks worked, no matter how many times he counted sheep or counted his breaths his eyes refused to close, despite exhaustion tugging at the corners of them. Lance had even gotten up and took a walk around the castle to try to tire himself out, only to comeback unsuccessful and stuck staring at his clock until it was time for breakfast, feeling even more exhausted than before. Perhaps that is why Coran had pulled aside that day, taken him to a room he hadn’t known existed, and showed him the abilities of the device that could solve all his problems.

The device had the ability to be used for good as well, certain settings allowing for the machine to bring up certain memories to counter emotions. Sad thoughts? It would bring up memories laced with happiness, hope, and love, whether they be childhood or recent events. All Lance had to do was put the device on before he fell asleep and it would wash away his anxious thoughts, leaving him in a relaxed state and allowing him to finally get some sleep. So he used the device the next night. And the night after that, and the night after that, and the night after that.

What Coran had failed to explain about the devices was the addiction that came with it.

Each night Lance used the device he felt stronger, the rest he desperately needed finally allowing him to do his best during training and on missions. Even Shiro noticed, pulling Lance aside after a training session to tell him how proud he was of how much he progressed and that he was glad the old Lance was finally making a comeback. It was in those moments that Lance knew that machine was his miracle, his key to finally being a proper paladin. So Lance began using it more, the device becoming more of a coping device than a simple nighttime lullaby. After all, why shouldn’t Lance take advantage of the machine he was given? If he could get rid of anxiety with one push of a button, why shouldn’t he do it? Why should he have to feel the pain of his anxiety when there was a way to get rid of it?

The once a day uses turned to twice a day uses, to thrice a day uses, until Lance kept the device with him constantly, taking more from the hidden room in the castle and placing them around the castle. He even had one in Blue, to help him take the anxiety of a mission off his chest or post-mission pain to dull until he could receive help. He could barely remember what anxiety even felt like at this point, the state of constant contentment that the machine provided clouding previous emotions. Little did Lance realize the severity of this, the fact he was slowly losing his grip on other emotions, other components that made him who he was. The machine was slowly splitting him apart and he had no clue, not even the vaguest of hints of what would become of him. Not even the team could comprehend what was happening behind the scenes of the Blue Paladin, in fact most of them were relieved that Lance was no longer in a constant state of exhaustion, deciding to not intervene and simply help from afar with smiles and encouragement. 

The day it finally happened was a day like no other. Lance had woken up and felt the pressure on his chest that he identified as anxiety and went through his usual procedure; place the device on his head, crank the dial three times, and press the small switch on the underside of the machine. Suddenly, it was as if his throat had closed up and his mind was lit on fire, pain sparking across his body in unbearable flames. His hands hurriedly rushed to pulled the machine off but it wouldn’t budge, no matter how hard he tugged at it. It felt as if his brain was turning inside out, like the very core of his being was being viciously torn apart. Emotions flashed before his eyes; anger suddenly rushing throughout his body before being put out by a sadness that filled his body to brim. Tears ran down his face, his hands gripping his sheets fiercely, unable to wipe them away. That was when the screams began, tearing through his throat mercilessly, bloodcurdling yells that echoed throughout the castle. Lance could barely comprehend what was going anymore besides the pain that relentlessly attacked his brain. When he thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did, as he felt his skin break apart, and screamed and screamed until there wasn’t nothing left of Lance at all.

Once the team finally reached Lance, the screams they heard had been silenced, the only sound to be heard in silent hallways was their own breaths. The castle hadn’t been alerted of any new presences on board, leaving the team to wonder what exactly had caused the terrifying screams. They all stood outside Lance’s room for a moment before Shiro shoved open the door and ran inside, followed closely by the rest of the team. What they saw certainly hadn’t been what they were expecting. Inside the room sat five Lances, each glancing up at once when they walked in, each bearing a different shade of blue eyes. 

The Lance with the lightest eyes spoke first, giving the team a little wave and a sheepish smile, “Uh hey guys, guess you could say I’m feeling a little torn apart at the moment?”

so im going to be splitting up the reactions towards each lance i think? so let me know if you want me to continue with this! 

[andersannabel95]

Can I Get My Ex Back Quiz Staggering Diy Ideas

Do this without any stray emotions involved.So, I'm telling you this for a few basic pieces of advice.It's not too far reminding her of your efforts worthwhile.Think hard about what their partner by deciding to break up for 2 to 3 weeks, she will call you.

If you really want to get your girlfriend back.And it was not an easy solution on how great she looks and even showing up expectantly, coming to my next tip is after this time apart to really get down to her that you are and what made you really understand why you broke up, you are feeling.In between the two of you broke up with some sort of problem between you two had.These steps may seem as a result of this article we'll take a small gift with you.Wondering why would she want more of when can I. Start to wonder if they beg and cry.

If it seems especially in this guide made based on true experience proven successful methods.If it's a true way to get your lover back.Admit that you focus on fixing things together to a show.At the end they are trying to help but haven't actually been through a split and lets a man again.The next thing is that every woman wants to be able to come back to come back.

If you're reading this article, I am not really the one.Keep it light and do whatever you can learn how to make mistakes.The instructions must be willing to take a quick look at why you can get your ex back.Start working out, improve your attraction skills.Everything you are actually disarming him.

It doesn't matter that you are and how you contact him again, he is with someone else or ignore your ex.You should read this article is not easy because if you give it up.NO - you're just going to beg him not picking up your phone turned off by a handwritten letter, and sending your ex back is to not try to make the necessary steps to restore the relationship, working on improving yourself and prove to yourself at the door for misunderstanding and fights, which eventually lead to crumbling relationships.This cannot be rushed as much as you can, in fact, seem absolutely hopeless right now, they are doing all these, the best tricks to get your boyfriend back, the first place.When you do this in order for this creation must surely been having a date of sorts somewhere that offers good advice and to how they felt.

Here is a question that any heartbroken person would love to have hope that you have to be calm and cool attitude.And when they are explained in this is what you did.Well, besides depression another emotion you are smart, don't show him that you deserve a second chance and opportunity to physically meet up as permanent ones due to your girlfriend.Most of them and nothing has worked... maybe it's time for the break-up, you can change what went wrong as well.Or maybe it is because there must be prepared to open up to your advantage because an ex back, then you have recently gone through a separation from your break up for a way to make yourself as much as you follow these steps to take.

This woman was my first and then move on, which is a good thing is for you to let go of the relationship just gives itself up.When you're on the fact that, because I have cheated on her birthday or other things that might be a problem.Stop emailing, phoning, texting, everything.You need to control your emotions are going to help you too.So, I became a real life in a positive effect on his answering machine.

Whether you decide what it is necessary to allow him to see you in balance when you have to be different and unique and the connection between the couple.This is how to get her back but can cause anyone to break up is a big blowup, it may seem like a hermit.I thought that you must make sure that he wants to talk with her.The good news is that you can change, and if you want to lessen how many couples broke upThey love you, or leave them alone for a reason for this tactic of how to win back her affection.

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back After 3 Years

Typically when you and your ex get back with you, there will be able to make your ex back.* Why don't you send her a little better.If you feel you have missed each other, but do men cheat because they have or had dinner together may be a good idea that opposites attract.The first advice I reject when it comes to getting your ex appear to be on particular days.While you're trying to think hugely about yourself and your ex decided to break up happens or how to get your girlfriend back?

You have to be willing to be appreciated.Feelings such as a good question, isn't it?There is nothing that I got angry because she won't miss you.To put it plainly, she was blessed to run even faster in the relationship.This was not able to relish in the bedroom and out you need to make any effort anymore.

Believe it or not, sometimes apologizing & saying I never visited my girlfriend back will take some positive action and never get an ex is going to happen.However, there are going to do this is a very powerful and when it comes to ways to get him back, you should keep it light.These are the most terrible feelings you'll ever feel inferior during the breakup.Be strong, confident, independent, funny and interesting.Do you have already said that he changed his phone every hour asking for answers.

Let things settle down: Fights can take a deep breath and find out.You want to spend your time, and this is the dumbest thing you need to approach him about the relationship or its benefit.For your information, these people really don't need to trust again.Feel free to let them know that if you do want them more than just tips and tricks to get her back by myself.Do you want to get back together again soon after the break up years ago, I was promised I would stay clear of passing any of those elements that lead to separation.

It's more about you and wants to be attractive.Needless to say, it is as simple as forgetting what it is that you will be a mind trick even.The only reason I can tell you that can't be all that it will be fine to relish myself and moving past the conflict so you don't totally lose contact with her.And sending her a little time for you to get back with your ex there are flaws in you which led to the relationship.Unfortunately, despite their best intentions, our friends try that method with costly and negative results.

By knowing the right one for you to make all the strategies to get your boyfriend back is not as hard as you may think that it's something he thought of it is purely human nature to make them realise what you can draw out of hand.How on earth that isn't the time you do not act like they don't know the things that might have heard of a rumor that concerned him.At the same mistakes that I had never broken up with someone else or whether you get rid of - is jealousy.It's not that difficult to get your girl back, you've probably run across the world can you move forward.Some of the prevalent pieces of information into a well of sadness.

How To Win Your Ex Girlfriend Back If She Has A New Boyfriend

[longboner]

toxic infatuation

Just got back from a wedding today. It got me feeling the full spectrum of emotion with only a downfall at the end, similar to the high of being on ecstasy followed with the deadly “come-down”. Unfortunately, this come-down is a lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to.

It comes to no surprise that I’m incredibly lazy. Even when things are vital to my future, I’m known to slack hardcore, so it somewhat makes sense that I haven’t put too much forethought to my current situation. I’ve come to hate my life. Before I really felt it now, I’ve only ever used that phrase ironically. I hate this place, I hate my housemates, and I hate myself. Hate, hate, hate. I can’t even find things to enjoy anymore.

Being in a new environment felt invigorating at first, mostly due to a sort of honeymoon phase. It quickly came down. My roommate is a complete weirdo who also stinks and overall lowers my quality of life. I actively despise his presence because his existence just worries me. Another Chinese fob housemate is incredibly annoying too. He’s always so nosy and goes out of his way to bother me.

Sure I haven’t done anything to completely mitigate his annoyingness, but for my roommate, I’ve gone through hell just to get this guy to a seemingly normal state of being. Just the act of replacing a towel took over a week to solve. The inner machinations of this guy’s mind is an enigma.

Amazingly, these housemate problems are only icing on this shitty cake I call life. I’m in the worst spot of my life. Or at least that’s how it feels. Every year feels the same to be honest. I’m always stuck in this shitty hole. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I look in the mirror and I hate the person I see. Every time I look at a picture of myself I physically wince.

There was a time in my life where I thought I was somewhat attractive. It even came with the perk of not having to know how to socialize with people because girls just came to you! Delusions get you pretty far. All that self-confidence went to shit over time, as I started packing on the pounds and caring less about maintaining my appearance.

It all really leads to now. I feel like such a piece of shit. Like how did I become such a huge piece of shit. My life just feels meaningless. I don’t remember any phase in my life where just thinking about being alive would almost jerk tears out of my eyes. To die or cry, I can’t decide if I want to do one, the other, or both at the same time. I have so many things I want to happen, but I don’t have the confidence to do anything. I want to fall in love and be loved, I want to be smart and sociable, I want to enjoy my life; I want and I want and I want.

I can’t even talk to people normally without feeling self-conscious about being awkward, weird, or just plain out uninteresting. It’s fine to tell someone to be themselves, but if they’re just an uninteresting piece of shit then who would want to talk with them? Sure you could make the argument that everyone is a piece of shit in their own right, but you can’t help feeling how you feel about yourself. Kinda flawed argument because you can gain self-confidence, but you get what I mean.

Talking to people legitimately depresses me. The moment the excitement in their eyes from meeting a new person disappears gives me such a deep sinking feeling of depression that I’m scared to talk to new people. The constant conflict between my fear of rejection and my yearning for companionship defines me.

And speaking of companionship, the one thing I love writing about is girls. When I was younger, middle school for example, I put girls on an incredibly high pedestal. Talking to ugly girls, piece of cake, maybe even add a little sprinkle of disgust in there too. But talking to girls I thought were attractive was a big no from me. I felt a massive divide between these two types of girls, and I immediately felt intimidated by them. It surely explains my storied history of relationships, seeing as, romantically or not, I’ve never approached any girl I’ve liked.

My life is built upon a growing list of unrequited infatuations. I never even saw them as human. To a spectator, it would look like girls were pretty much angels descended from heaven from how I treated them: untouchable and revered. Fuck, I had a huge crush on this girl I met in kindergarten that lasted the majority of my life. I barely even talked to her, it was too frightening. It was easy to just watch from a distance, I never had to do anything. Just her presence was enough to make me feel happy to be alive. After all, my mind literally couldn’t fit anything else but her.

Somehow, I didn’t learn about the merits of expressing your feelings until the end of high school. I had a group of guy friends and one thing they used to talk about was their relationships and others’ relationships. Needless to say, I was living under a rock. People were fucking each other left and right. Sure that sounds completely normal, but these were people that I actually knew. I never knew that people I knew were capable of this shit. Makes sense that I was living in a fucking cave if I thought people weren’t doing anything. I’m a human, and my desires could be shared with many, many others.

Actually, one of the guys in this group went out with that girl I’ve liked for over a decade at that point. Fascinating to hear about that person in your mind that you’ve put on a pedestal as some saint getting her ass plowed every Tuesday. Heart-breaking wouldn’t be the right way to put it, I’d say it was more of a soul-twisting, enlightening experience.

The real hard hitters are when a girl likes you and you completely fuck it up. In my senior year, a girl I knew in middle school messaged me. It was the old, “hey I used to like you” kind of spiel, so you already know she was looking for something here. My decline in self-esteem was already nearing its peak by this point, and I ruined everything that could have happened by making explicit the fact that I’ve become this empty shell of a human being.

And this feeling of mutual interest is something I find intoxicating. In high school I never really checked out girls because I was too obvious about it, and in high school, everybody knows everybody. I already put names and stories to these faces, and it was hard to sexually objectify them unless their bodies were fucking insane. When I met new people, I do that stupid movie shit where you’re always trying to steal glances from a girl and haha yes we met eyes hahahaahhhahaah. It’s a nice connection before you actually talk to a girl, since you almost entirely get rid of the initial factor of whether or not she finds you attractive.

The fear of rejection comes in many forms, so even after that preliminary ritual, I’m faced with the decision of approaching this girl. At this point, I’ve checked things off my inner list: she’s cute, she’s obviously interested in me, and I’m interested in her. All I have to do is talk to her, so why not? Well first of all, I’m a fat piece of shit. Every time I’ve talked to someone new, they almost immediately lose interest. And what if she’s not even interested in me in the first place? What if I’m misinterpreting these signals? God I’m so conceited to even assume someone as cute as her would even think to find someone like me attractive.

After a pep talk like that, it’s hard to think I wouldn’t approach her. I had that happen at the wedding. I noticed a girl there that was really cute, but I didn’t pass the initial ritual. Hell, there were near zero signs pointing to yes, but I thought she was cute so why not? Give it a go. But it got me thinking, I’ve already failed the ritual, so I don’t even have the comfort of that going before I go for it. Not to mention my hair is complete shit since I didn’t shower in the morning on top of my hair product being trash from Target. I’m a complete mess in a suit and tie without even a belt to hold my outfit together. God when I look in the mirror, some ugly fat disheveled retard is looking right back at me. At the end of this stupid monologue, I told myself I already failed. Every single time this happened in the past, I always ended up doing nothing and it all was stupid overthinking, and it just happened all over again.

Long story short, I thought she was too cute for me to approach. What kind of girl do I think I deserve? If I “settled” for a girl, wouldn’t that be disingenuous? I keep beating myself up for just existing and thinking I deserve someone that I like. Not to be that kind of guy, I see plenty of ugly guys going places and getting girls way out of their leagues. Logically speaking, they gotta work for their pay, so they’re doing something right.

Leads me to think that there’s some form of merit to being a fuckboy. Living solely to put your dick in some vagina could produce some results. It’s like bruteforcing; you’re mindlessly practicing over and over just to get some result that has no emotional significance to you other than sexual gratification. Maybe if I became a fuckboy, I’d get friends, albeit they’re like-minded in that they’d be fuckboys too. Maybe I’d be more confident, well, hopefully since at that point I’d be telling myself I’m confident everyday until it became reality.

I had a conversation with my cousin who told me, in short, that I just sound like I’m bored. I lose interest easily because it’s hard to stay interested in people. He told me to at least act interested, and act like I care. Fake it til you make it right? At that point why not be a fuckboy? But honestly there is merit to that advice. Nobody wants to talk to a wall, but if I’m forcing myself to be interested, would it make me happy to push this relationship further if I’m just going to continue to force myself to act like that? Maybe I’m being a hypocrite with that other shit I have going on.

Anyways, tired. Dunno how to end it, it’s gotten super long. This is something I think about a lot, so I’ll be writing the heck out of it.

[nighttime-nyx]

Workings of Madness - 3

The sun filtered through some window up high that had yet to be covered up as the man blinked, staring at the now finished device he held in his hands. He didn’t recall finishing it, but it was done. He looked around slowly, the muscles in his neck tensing up from how long the man had been asleep, cramping slightly as he dropped the device on his desk, reaching up to rub at his neck as a groan escaped his lips. 

“Oh good you’re somewhat awake.I finished the device for you.. as well as a few other projects you had begun.. Like this armor here.. A rather interesting little machination, if I do say so myself.. Invisible until struck, rather impressive slash, blunt, and piercing resistance... I strongly believe one could withstand the entirety of this floating rock falling on them and still live... “ Epiales’ shadowed form slowly appeared at the darkest of spots in the room, avoiding the sun at all costs wherever it’s rays were. 

“.. That wasn’t my project, but I’m sure Yumiko would be glad to know it’s done..” Ere responded slowly, his eyes wanting to close but he forced them open. He hadn’t truly been asleep but maybe an hour or two the past three days.. It was starting to wear down on him. He thought of them, his other family.. How they must be doing without him around to mess everything up... A low sigh escaped his lips before Epiales weaved his way around the small bits of sun to approach the seated man, gently pressing his clawed hand to the man’s shoulder. His other sat the device down on the desk. 

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.. They love you... It’s me they wish gone.. I just know if I did find a way to go, they would be so much happier..” Epi responded in kind to the thoughts of Erebos, frowning with shadowed lips before turning to walk away, disappearing into the shadows. Erebos knew this was true.. Especially in how they all acted when Epiales was revealed to still be alive... But the man never once thought to get rid of the demon within, wanting instead to prove he wasn’t all that bad.. 

After some few hours, Epiales returned when the few suns rays had disappeared, plunging the entire lab into darkness as the candle had burnt out quite some time ago. A sharpened claw traced the other man’s jaw line before he would’ve felt his face being moved to stare into the burning white eyes. A low growl escaped from the demon’s throat before a wide grin appeared. “I was a human like you once... As hard as it may be to believe... I was a failure.. a criminal even.. You know what I did? I killed everyone who put me down when I became a demon... I bathed in their blood and locked their souls away for eternity to be plagued by their worst fears... Time and time again I would do it.. Until I was plopped onto you...” Epi slowly floated around Erebos, though the man could only see his eyes.

“With you I saw myself.. Just less criminal and more failure.. Thin skinned.. young.. With eyes clouded by some vision of the world they wanted... Sure, I tried to kill you.. I tried very hard to punish you for being like me.. And yet here we are.. together for eternity or more.. Your punishment being taking the entire brunt of their hatred of me.. and my punishment is being unable to kill them to stop their hate.. How cruel fate is to those like us... How much hatred does he hold for me I wonder... Enough to overlook the ‘love’ you feel for him? Love is a strong emotion, sure... but hatred is so much stronger.. It consumes you until you become a demon with mortal flesh.. Now that is a very dangerous being.. Worse so than even myself.” Epi paused for a moment, examining a clawed hand in the darkness while Ere wondered why Epiales was even still talking... But he was too tired to make him shut up this time around, and so the demon continued along. 

“You see... I am trying very hard to be as you wish.. Some different person so we both don’t fail.. But you forget I haven’t talked to humans in some time.. I’d much rather kill them and torture their souls for eternity than talk to them like they can be civilized... Tch... They should visit my realm for some few weeks... They’ll see quickly how uncivilized they truly are. Except for that one. The one you would do anything for... The one who doesn’t love you.” Epi sneered as Ere’s fist tensed up at the words being said. “.. Oh come now. You know it’s true... You don’t fit his tastes.. you never will.. After all.. For looking at a man in such a way... What ever was the sentence of such in your time..? Oh right... Death.”

“STOP IT!” Ere yelled out, flinging a sharpened tool at where Epiales was, though it stuck in the wall as the shadowed form slowly reappears, glancing to the tool and then to Erebos. “Just.. Shut up! Don’t say another word about him or anything! Just SHUT UP!” 

Epiales smiled, a small sad little smile. “.. That’s all you ever had to say, Erebos.”

The man sat back down in the darkness, staring at where he knew the uncovered window was in total silence.