#or acknowledge people who do leave the cage

[ranger-danger]

Femininity is a cage people when you ask them to recognize that trans men saying the same exact thing is not misogyny:

[buzz-season]

i think the difference between the barbie's treatment of ken's in barbieland vs the ken's treatment of barbie's in kendom can be summed up pretty easily actually:

barbie's ignored ken, realistically they were given an opportunity to have their own lives and do what they wanted and they didn't do it. everything revolved around their barbie's, ken would only have a good day if barbie did or if barbie acknowledged him. they never tried to do anything they genuinely wanted to.

whereas when the ken's took over, they brainwashed the barbie's into liking them and doing things for them. they would bring them beers and act like waitresses, give them foot massages or watch films they otherwise wouldn't be interested in. they became mindless and existed to serve the ken's. they were no longer just friends with the barbie's, they didn't want barbie to love them back, they wanted to own them.

people talking about ken falling down the patriarchy pipeline out of neglect or loneliness but why couldn't the ken's form friendships and communities like the barbie's did? why is it up to barbie to ensure that ken doesn't feel that way? at what point is it acceptable to blame barbie for ken's feelings? barbie let ken come to her party, watched him beach, held him whilst he went to the hospital, agreed to let him go on her journey, says hi to him when she sees him, things friends do and things she's shown doing with all the other barbie's, but if he still feels loneliness after that because she doesn't want to kiss him or doesn't love him back, why is that barbie's fault? meanwhile the entire time ken is ignoring other ken's out of his fixation on barbie and is even trying to "beach" other ken's off and causing problems with other ken's to gain barbie's attention

to me it's the perfect representation of the real world in the sense that women will leave men alone, men will want to own women, and women will be blamed for men's neglect and loneliness but it's a paper cage they create for themselves because they refuse to see women as individuals and arguably they don't actively try to create and nurture communities in the same way women do. ken's story is sad yes, but it's a story of his own design and what makes it worse is that he blames barbie for it. not himself, not mattel, no the real world but barbie, who's friendly disinterest in him means that she should be the one who is blamed and punished

[buckets-and-trees]

You Should've Seen Him

Characters/Pairings: soft!dark and rough Nomad!Steve Rogers x Female!Reader Word Count: 1.2k Summary: July 4, 2017. An Independence Day spent celebrating America - or at least its disgraced Captain. You skip the traditional fireworks to make some of your own. Takes place immediately after When He First Got Me

Content/Warnings: explicit smut, oral (female receiving), vaginal fingering, kissing, vaginal intercourse, unprotected sex, overstimulation, internal ejaculation, emotional unavailability, a broken Nomad who thinks he's fine but definitely is not

Author Notes: Back to Reader's POV for the series.

The last twenty-eight hours had been unreal. 

You had certainly never had this much sex with anyone before. 

You had never spent this much undivided time with only one person before either.

Not to mention that even though the man currently camped out between your legs was Steve Rogers, Captain America, he was still a stranger. 

Or was he?

You really didn’t know. 

There had certainly been moments when it was painfully clear you were two people who stumbled into each other and tumbled into bed later that night, but then the one-night stand stayed. 

He slept in your bed. (There had been sleep some of the time, though not much.) You made breakfast together. You said you probably better shower, he said he probably should join you. The sex there had led the two of you back to your bed, there had been some morning slumbering, then a late lunch. You watched a movie. Fucked. Talked. Kissed. Talked. Sexed. Showered. Talked. Ordered dinner. Been caught up in his kisses again. Ate dinner when it arrived. He had stripped you down again. 

And the man had been an enigma through it all. Stranger. Soft. Filthy. Sometimes so intense you were sure you were going to burn up from the way he looked at you, and at other times he seemed distracted, hollow, or somewhere else altogether. 

Part of you wanted to suggest he leave, but more of you wanted to know how long this unreal situation would carry on. 

And now, flat on your back, you were so thoroughly exhausted, every muscle limp, every coherent thought gone, asking him to leave was the last thing on your mind. You wanted the orgasm he was edging you towards, and you wanted sleep. All you could do was moan and whimper under the assault of his tongue and fingers to your cunt and clit. 

Your fingers tangled in Steve's hair, tugging gently as he worked you closer to the edge. Your thighs trembled around his head, heels digging into his broad back. The coil of pleasure wound tighter and tighter in your core with each expert swipe of his tongue.

"Steve," you gasped, "I'm so close…"

He hummed against you in acknowledgment, the vibrations sending shockwaves through your overstimulated body. Two thick fingers pumped steadily in and out of your soaked entrance while his tongue flicked relentlessly over your swollen clit.

Your back arched off the bed as the tension finally snapped. Waves of ecstasy crashed over you, your walls clenching rhythmically around his fingers. Steve didn't let up, drawing out your orgasm until you were a quivering, oversensitive mess.

Not so distantly, you could hear fireworks bursting for the Fourth of July at the city park, and their faint colored glow flashed across the night sky out your window. You had vaguely suggested going out to see the show earlier that afternoon. Now it was the furthest thing from your mind, and no regrets over missing them, not when this god of a man was worshipping and ruining you.

Steve moved up and over your body, his long, thick cock nudging against your entrance, making you whine weakly.

Steve's blue eyes locked onto yours, pupils dilated with lust. He braced himself on his forearms, caging you beneath his powerful body. The head of his cock continued to tease your sensitive folds, coating himself in your slickness.

"One more," he growled, voice thick with desire.

“Steve,” you moaned beneath him. How many times had he said those words? One more. Truly you’d lost count.

"I know you have one more in you."

Before you could protest, he sank into you in one smooth thrust. You cried out, still overwhelmed by the stretch and fullness of him. Your hands flew to his biceps, gripping the corded muscle as he began to move.

Steve set a punishing pace, hips snapping against yours. The obscene sound of skin slapping skin mingled with your breathless moans and his low grunts. His pubic bone ground against your clit with each thrust, sending wicked sparks of pleasure through your overstimulated body.

"Fuck, you feel amazing,” he panted against your neck. Then he rolled onto his back, still buried inside you, and coaxed you up, bracing you at the waist. “Ride me, sweet girl.”

You gasped as Steve lifted you effortlessly, settling you on top of him. His hands gripped your hips, guiding you as you began to rock against him. The new angle had his thick cock hitting even deeper inside you.

"That's it," he encouraged, voice husky. "Take what I give you."

Despite your exhaustion, you found yourself chasing that peak again. You braced your hands on his broad chest, using the leverage to ride him harder. Steve's fingers dug into your flesh, sure to leave bruises as he helped lift you up and down his length.

Your thighs burned with the effort, but the coil of pleasure was tightening again in your core. Steve's eyes raked over your body hungrily as you moved above him. One of his hands left your hip to cup your breast, thumbing roughly over your nipple.

"So beautiful," he murmured.

Your head fell back as the familiar tension mounted in your core. It seemed impossible that your body could produce another orgasm after everything Steve had put you through, but it was also impossible that he was in your bed in the first place.

As the waves of the orgasm washed over you, your clenching pussy pulled Steve along with you, and he gave a shout as he bucked up into you. He emptied his seed into you, and you felt the warmth of it filling you up.

Steve gathered you back to his chest, and rolled the two of you to your sides, facing each other. He looked at you for a long moment, truly looked at you.

Throughout the day you had noticed him looking at you when he thought you were paying attention to other things, but you felt his eyes on you every time. It was a look that pierced you, and now was no different, but now was the first he’d been open and direct going about it.

Though your body was exhausted, the surge of his intense gaze stoked something in your chest, keeping you alert and attuned to him, and you pressed your chest closer to his. He placed the softest kiss to your head, then tucked you under his chin and tightened his arms around you.

And then the two of you talked. Not about anything important, merely quiet words exchanged in the dark, normal as anything though this was anything but normal. He was branded as a dangerous vigilante. He was dangerous, but to you not for the reasons some of the world had pinned to him, but because of the way you were pinned to him right now.

But it was only two nights. Nearly nothing, right?

Best sex of your life. A story to tell when you were old.

He held you until you drifted off to sleep, mid-story, his warmth and his soft voice lulling you into deep, restful bliss.

↠ Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

NEXT ↠ September 28, 2017: Pull the String read more Exiled Nomad Series

[lovingjingyuan]

Hi!! I've been reading your first for awhile and I think you're such a great writer and I was wondering if I could request a yandere Sunday/welt/jingyuan/blade where the reader has depression and how they'd handle it? You could add anything you like :) thank you!

Thank you sm for the compliment. I'm so glad someone enjoys my works <333 Tbh I don't find my writing good cuz my English isn't so good for writing ;-; also when i writing this on google docs it was like 7 pages long.

Warning: 2.7K words, A bit affectionate in Jing Yuan and Aventurines part, manipulation, abuse of power, gaslighting, emotional abuse,

Info at bottom

Pairing: (Yandere) Sunday, Welt, Jing Yuan, Blade, Aventurine x Reader

Sunday Sunday wouldn't be able to handle it well, but instead, he would unintentionally cause further damage to your mental state. It’s elusive getting you to cooperate with his subjectives. He couldn’t quite bring himself to understand why you aimlessly slumber like this, showing little to no affection and he deluges you with this subjective perfect life. You were in a gilded cage ornate into a display of artwork, but to Sunday you’ll always be that vulnerable bird, needing guidance and protection. He couldn’t grasp the idea of why you still yearn for freedom when he can provide you with everything you desire.

You reminded Sunday of the time when he and his sister Robin once took a weak bird under their wing. The bird is like you; too weak and vulnerable for this cruel reality. Yet, his subjective never appealed to your line of reasoning. To you, people are meant to make their own choices and yearn for the touch of freedom. But to him the weak must be helped and preserved by the strong and by that you’re weak. 

Instead of offering you normal support and seeking treatment for you he would isolate you further, making watch of your every movement and ensuring you’re always in his presence every second. 

To Sunday he couldn’t just let you go now, not after all his sacrifices and efforts to hold you captive in his presence. He started to lie and twisted his thoughts into believing that this is the only path to achieve mutual happiness and to ensure your safety. Yet, it further broke him even though you refuse to make and remain apathetic with him. Your constant depression and lack of motivation left him feeling adrift. You rarely are able to take care of yourself anymore leaving him completely lost.

All he can hope is for you to develop Stockholm syndrome. He prays that your depression and lack of happiness will lead you to believe he’s the only one who can mend the wounds on your heart, filling any empty void. 

“Please stop lying on the bed. You’ve been there all day. You know that’s far from healthy and will only worsen your state,” he silently pleaded with you hoping by any miracle you would follow through. This constant isolation he put you through has been driving both you and him mad. But in the end, you lost all light in you. No longer able to plead with him any further for salvation.  

You can just simply close your eyes falling further back into nihility. 

“Please, my dear, you can't keep doing this to me… to yourself-”

‘I’m fine, ' you snapped. How his heart ached at your indifference.

“No, you’re not okay. Your behavior is absolutely absurd!” he remained unfalter on the edge of the bed next to you. Sunday’s mind ran blink on ways to save you from deluging any further in depression. He could release you, but he’s scared the moment he does. You would leave him forever like the bird he and his sister raised.

He leaned in, brushing your hair aside to plant a gentle kiss on your forehead. He will continue to keep you here with him indefinitely, trying to keep his own sanity intact as well as yours. He only remains resolute to keep you here with him, refusing to open his eyes and acknowledge his wrongdoings.

“It’s not a sin. I’m doing this for the greater good.”

I believe Yandere Sunday is just manipulative in wanting to keep you, he’s no sadist but I also believe he cares a whole lot about his public image which is now RUINED! Sunday would be a good lover if you comply or not obsessed over you. Sunday would be the type to say, "Oh my days." :)

Welt During his lifetime Welt had witnessed a lot and many tragedies. Despite his knowledge and understanding of the consequences of his actions, he couldn’t suppress his urges when it came to you. Welt always made sure to keep a watchful eye over you, safeguarding you from any troubles. He would usually spend a lot of his time watching over you and observing any anomalous behavior from you. 

One sudden day he started noticing you developing odd behaviors and your daily schedule becoming a trouble. You also started to develop a habit of dissociating away from your peers, he was no exception. This unusual behavior disturbs him because it meant he can’t keep a close eye on you. 

Now I feel how he’ll handle this can go two ways: He seeks immediate professional help for you OR tries to handle this situation himself. The reason why Welt would try to handle this situation himself is to prevent you from becoming self-aware. To Welt, becoming self-aware poses a challenge to him as you’re more aware and knowledgeable of your surroundings and who is around you. He would do everything in his power to leave you clueless and thoughtless towards your surroundings so you don’t become aware of any manipulation he inflicted on you in the past.

Manipulation such as convincing you to stay with the Astral Express by his side 24/7. Welt truly cares about you and needs to see you heal. To him you’re the light in the room full of darkness in his heart. Every time you smile, laugh even when you’re clumsy or mess up he can’t help but smile, feeling relaxed near your presence. Even if you're not the brightest person you still light and warm up his heart. 

“Are you alright?” he asks, raising a brow as the bottom of his cane taps the floor behind you. Deep down he knows the answer and urges you to tell him the truth, finding comfort in his presence like he does in yours. 

“I’m alright,” you intensity waiver him away.

Unfazed by your response, he persisted, “You really don’t need to pretend, around me.”

If you do manage to admit and confess your feelings he would categorize it as depression. Welt will immediately try and cheer you up, letting March, Dang Heng and Stelle; his trusted companions around you. He will try every day to lift your spirits even letting you choose where to go for the next trailblazing expeditions. 

Welt attempts to educate himself more on the topic of depression, so he can create a safe environment for you. Although he might not exactly provide professional help he will solve it ethically.

Lol I can't see Welt keeping you captive. He would probably pressure you or convince you to join the Astral Express so he can keep a close eye on you. He's very careful when being possessive over you. Himeko and Dan Heng can catch on quickly so he would try to make you fall in love with him.

Jing Yuan Jing Yuan, a high achieving General, a man who no one can hate personally, aged over 600 years and has experience of yearning over the dead and betrayals. As he watched you drift into the endless abyss of sadness he could not help but share in your sorrow. All he truly wanted for you was your happiness and safety, including your undying love and attention. 

Yet this draining illness simply wouldn’t allow that for you. Jing Yuan is a man who is willing to go to extreme lengths in pursuit of your happiness which only he should be the one serving. Yet under one condition, he’s willing to do things that go against your happiness just so he can satisfy his impulsive desires. 

“I love you so so much. Please don’t be sad,” he murmured softly into your eyes, biting down gently on the top of your ears, which sent shivers down your body in a sensual way. He twirls the end of your hair with his fingers holding you against his embrace.

You continue to stare out into the distance, while his fingers play with the ends of your hair.

“If there’s anything you must need…. Please,” he implored in your ears from behind. The warm breath on your neck, “Tell me. I care about you and you know that.” his arms wrap around your waist telling you you’re all for him alone, all while he nuzzles his head against your shoulders. His white fluffy strands of hair tickle up against your cheekbone. 

If you ever found yourself in his custody and requested freedom, he would by all means exploit rapid, white little lies. 

"Recently, there have been reports of numerous mara-struck soldiers on the loose. 36 tragedies have resulted from these mara strikes," he warns, emphasizing the fake danger outside. "Luofu might need to go into lockdown, so it's safest for you to stay here with me."

He soon begins to take into account your condition growing rapidly worse. Your depression started to overtake your everyday life. That’s when he knew this was severe. Although sometimes delusional, he does take into account his mistakes. 

“I arranged us a date, a vacation even! It’s been many years since I left Luofu for anything other than urgent matters.”

You smiled and nodded profusely in agreement. This smile and small action deluges his heart with warm sweet love <3 How his heart jumps and flutters like a butterfly because of you. If you don’t get any better he will hire and get you an appointment with the best psychologist. 

Jing Yuan just wants the best for you wholeheartedly and truly. If he does kidnap and detain you, it’s because of his impulsive actions to keep you for himself. There will be no other 4th betrayal or the 4th person to pay the price. 

Blade Blade’s cold demeanor and sharp eyes were enough to sway anyone away; he never believed himself capable of love or being a good partner in general. Some people in this cosmos were simply not cut out to be in a relationship, or so he believed since his journey began with the thought of death lingering in his mind. 

Yingxing would have been a more suitable man in a relationship, but Blade? He doubts on the idea of love and interest. Yet, when he laid eyes on you he couldn’t ignore the strange stinging of an electric sensation in his heart. He wanted to delve deeper into this unusual sensation he was feeling. Although he knew he could never truly reveal himself.

Who wouldn’t recognize a man whose bounty is worth 8.13 billion credits? At least he has a good credit score unlike me (╥﹏╥) Blade slowly started by stalking you, falling deeper into the spiral of love and obsession. He knew with his records you could never reciprocate his feelings.

He restored to drastic measures, keeping you in his custody. It’s difficult to say he’ll treat you top-notch. Being under his care seemed more like a physiological experiment. Providing you with basic needs while expecting obedience, as if conducting an experiment. 

Blade never once will lay a hand on you, raise his voice at you, only expressing annoyance through small grunts and groans. However, the isolation drove you quickly to the brink of insanity. Every day, waking up to a meal, lack of interaction; he would simply stare down at you as you chew on the food he provided. You even lack social interaction with your kidnapper. The daily routine went on, like a trap in an asylum. 

His cold gaze lingered on you, studying your every move, all while silently making mental notes of your behavior. If you did fall into depression he wouldn’t recognize it immediately, attributing it to your natural state or how you express disappointment.

Every tear shed or harsh remark towards him is met with silent observation, perceiving it as a natural reaction. Only when severe signs startsd occurring; refusing to eat or neglecting basic hygiene, did Blade acknowledge something was amiss.

He attempts to coax you with better-tasting meals, even dessert. If you die from starvation how else will he get the same sensation he feels when around you? This strange sensation in his heart is much more desirable than death.

“Eat it, you mustn’t starve yourself,” he says nonchalantly, placing a bowl of Mapo Tofu and a small portion of rice before you.

“Just leave me alone.”

“Eat it.”

“No.”

Blade shot you a deadly glare, his intimidation palpable, urging you to reluctantly pick up the chopstick. Blade’s method or strange way of love worsens your condition. I think with Blade you probably wouldn’t relieve yourself from the chains of depression. Yet I also do believe Blade will try to understand your mental state yet fail.

If Blade were to love; he would start by, placing a hand on your shoulders and gently massaging your shoulder blade as you ate. The thought of Blade saying “I love You,” seems inconceivable, but he’d probably say it underneath his breath.

“Do now dwell in longingness for too long,” he muttered against your ears, perhaps the most motivational phrase he said to you since the decline in your mental state began. Although he won’t admit upfront he loves and feels affection toward you, his demeanor is more relaxed around you and his sharp intense eyes soften at your presence. 

How to help a depressed person 101: The reader is Blade trying to figure out what’s causing you this and how to help you. 

Aventurine From the moment Aventurine first laid eyes on you, he knew exactly what he wanted for the rest of his life. He had always felt most alive when gambling at high stakes, but being near you brought a sensation even more profound; a mix of obsession and love washed over him. 

When you begin to struggle with depression, Aventurine tries everything to lift up your spirits by lavishing you with extravagant gifts, hoping they would bring you happiness. Yet the joy was only ephemeral and wasn’t what he truly desired. What he craved was not only your happiness but also your love and affection.

He couldn’t bring it into words but, your presence was like an addictive drug he constantly craved for. His dopamine goes crazy near you, almost exploding his brain. There was something about you that he yearned to possess and preserve for himself.

“Sweetheart, I brought you this exclusive necklace,” he announced from behind, presenting the box to you.

Your face lights up only momentarily at each lavish gift presented to you, but as gifts keep coming, their extravagance holds little value. Aventurine could only find himself lost. What could he do now since he can’t seem to please you any further with his riches?

To him, his identity revolves around his wealth and luck, without the appeal towards money, he feared that he held no more value in your life. He wished you found solace in him as he did towards you.

“Is something the matter?” he asked anxiously, feeling you slip away further despite all his efforts. You’re his safe haven but he can’t fathom why he’s not your after all of his efforts. 

“I’m fine,” a transparent white lie escapes your lips.

“That’s a blatant lie,” he frowned, wrapping his right arm around your waist and pulling you in closer to him while on the bed. “Please, tell me the truth. I’ll buy you anything you want,” he continues coaxing you with the power of money.

“I’m okay,” you continue to refuse despite his effort.

Aventurine hesitates to pressure you any further, fearing that you’ll start to withdraw from him completely. He would insist, forcing you into therapy, though each session came with a price because nothing in this universe is free.

With Aventurine’s dirty money he coaxes the therapist to make every session involve him in some way while actually helping you. With the power of money, the therapist starts to manipulate you into seeking comfort, and attention from Aventurine. Every session ended with something about Aventurine, so he can linger in your thoughts.

Slowly, you began to heal, finding yourself drawn to Aventurine's presence. He welcomed this, craving pleasure since he- himself is constantly drawn to you every second.

"How are you feeling?" he asked gently, his arm draped around you as you both lounged on plush casino's cushion.

"Better," you replied softly.

He smiled at your response, knowing it was what he wanted to hear. Finally, he was becoming your safe place, just as he had always hoped.

His hand gently massaged your back, drawing you closer until your lips were almost touching.

"Is that so?" he grinned, closing the gap with a tender kiss, savoring the sweetness of the moment. As he pulled back, staring at your bashfulness, he brushed your hair behind your ear and whispered, "If I win this, I'll buy you everything you desire."

P.S: I'm going to sleep after this but idk much about Welt despite playing hi3 since near release date. I also like keep character in character but Yandere or any NSFW +18 works are probably gonna be ooc.

Sorry this took so long I'm Trying to get my life back together :(

Mental Health

I take mental health seriously since I’m studying to become an expert in the medical field for mental health! If you’re ever in need of help please ask a trusted adult or seek help right away before it becomes worse! Just know mental health doesn’t make you a bad person but rather you’re suffering and depression is also an illness. Everyone is allowed treatment no matter what.

[acid-ixx]

reblogs and interactions are encouraged and appreciated.

partly inspired by @l0vergirls and @on-leatheredwings.

i like to think that jason todd as your yandere would be very subservient in a sense that he's willing to drown deeper into the depths of corruption and bury all of which hurts you. he's already killed hundreds, no thousands— you eventually lose track of your kill streak the moment blood touches your fingertips— what more can a couple of your foes or even harassers do? you don't even need to acknowledge his existence to guarantee that by the time the clock strikes the dawn of another evening, another life or even lives would be taken justly (in jason's eyes) to ensure you would walk the streets without the need to periodically check your back for any thieves or to feel adrenaline rush through your veins whenever you hear something out of the picture. no, you wouldn't, not when your savior, red hood, would be quicker than all to eliminate any dirt on the street.

sure, jason's moral code was to never murder low-life criminals but hell be damned if any filthy hands lay on your body. he would rather be shot with his very own collection of guns, than let your eyes glint with fear, with trauma he was so accustomed and hardened to. whereas bruce would be known to prioritize missions, jason would immediately abort his the moment he was given a signal that your safety was compromised. jason todd is a child of gotham, and he knows she wouldn't be merciful enough to spare a breathtaking soul such as yours; a life he promises to cherish with the second life he was blessed with. he knows, for sure, that you are the one to hold the very privilege to take his life. but while he's alive, he would take every opportunity to make sure your life was every bit as comfortable.

jason todd is never gentle with his identity as red hood, but as robin, as your jason; he is a man whose actions speak a thousand words. with him as your protector, he has taken to a habit of making sure you know he isn't there to hurt you, but rather keep you safe. and you know it in yourself to not see him as a threat. you would be greeted with your favorite copies of books, either limited or collector's edition. oftentimes, your table would be filled with warm food the moment you step inside your apartment after a night shift. sometimes, you would feel his presence in your room, just right after you enter would you know that he was in there minutes ago, leaving small trinkets or gifts that reminds him of you. they may be jewelry, or music boxes, or keychains. pieces that remind you that under that thick wall of hatred, there is a heart filled with a love for creativity.

he may be known as violent, but with you? you are his everything. your knuckles would be kissed by his bloodied, busted lips, softly, patiently with every reverence in the world. every kisses you sear him with are kisses to his wounds; bruises from which he knew he took for you. your waist or hip would be protectively caged in his scar-filled arm, the other ready to point a gun at another who perturbs his peace. his chest is your safe haven, you can lay on it at any moment and sleep to your satisfaction. his hold on you may be tight, but it would never be as tight as the fingers that would crush the throats of the people who would dare to even make you cry.

jason todd is your right hand man— never beneath you, never above you, but he will kneel for you as he would offer the land of the damned if you would ever accept his sinful sacrifices. all you have to do is say the word, and your very own lover would be glad to shed more blood for your namesake.

[twilightkitkat]

I know we have Laura, but do you ever think of how the other kids at the X-mansion would react to Logan?

Logan was a male role model for them. He might not have been as much as a "father" as Charles but he was family. He'd help teach the children things that the other X-men wouldn't, taking them seriously despite their age. He'd sneak them snacks or "contraband" when the other X-men weren't looking. He'd explain things that the other X-men hid.

Logan was likely the first person to treat them like anyone else. He didn't judge them for their mutations, didn't get angry at or scared of Rogue even when she almost killed him. He didn't hide or sugarcoat the truth for them, he said it bluntly. He wasn't mean, but he was honest. He treated them like they could handle it and this meant they respected him, too.

He was the first person to believe in them and their abilities and teach them that they had their own choice. Like he said to Rogue: he wasn't there to be her father, he was there as her friend. He coexisted as a protector, someone who they could rely on as an authority figure when danger struck, but also as a supporter. He didn't argue with Rogue over what was the "right" thing to do regarding her ability or force her to go back to the X-mansion when she wanted to leave. He told her that he trusted her judgment and just wanted to make sure she was doing it because she wanted to.

Logan knows what it's like to be restricted. To be collared and treated like "less than." He hates feeling caged in and pressured, so he went out of his way to make sure that above all the children knew that they had a choice. They had the ultimate say in their own lives.

The other X-men taught the children to be kind, to be understanding, and to be cautious. Logan taught them to be self-confident, to learn new skills, to set boundaries, and to make choices just for themselves. He's the one who looked at these kids and told them they were allowed to be selfish when everyone else told them otherwise.

And then... Logan was gone. And he was dead. Permanently.

The children kept living, but it was never the same. Of course, they missed him. How couldn't they? He was the first person to try to understand them just for the sake of it, without trying to poke and prod. He was safe. He didn't try to influence them one way or another, he just listened. Nobody else filled those shoes when he left.

And then, by the time most of them were almost grown up, he came back. But it's different. He's different.

He's more jaded than he was before. Closed off in ways that even the most reserved children there weren't. He's tired and older and different from their Logan in ways they can't explain.

But he still looks at them in the eye, not above their head or at their feet. And he nods at them in acknowledgment. And he listens. And he's different but he's so painfully Logan despite it all.

It makes them want to cry. A few of them do.

And Logan... to his credit, takes it in stride. He ruffles their hair and pulls a few into sideways hugs. He grunts as Rogue launches herself into his arms but still holds her. He doesn't shy away.

But Logan isn't a part of the X-mansion, anymore. He visits, occasionally, but he's no longer an X-man. And never plans to be.

The only people he consistently interacts with from the X-mansion are Laura and, to some extent, Colossus and his trainees through Wade. And it almost stings more, that way. To know that he was capable of keeping in touch. That he'd do it for his daughter and Wade but not for them.

Do you ever think how the kids would feel about this? About finally having a version of the person they admired most back only for him to not want to stay? About him choosing to stay with Wade at his shitty, run-down apartment instead of coming back to them.

We, as the audience, can understand. He's traumatized and grieving and staying at the X-mansion would only be rubbing salt in the wounds and reopening cuts that finally are beginning to scab over. He's starting to move on from that chapter in his life, from the guilt and regret both before and after the X-men's deaths.

But the kids don't have that perspective. They were too young, back then, to truly gauge the environment and how Logan might have been kind, in his own way, but was never truly happy. Never felt free or at home. Like a bird coming back to the same, familiar cage because there's nowhere else to go.

And even now, they're too young to really separate their feelings from his choice. In a way, they think it's their fault. That they weren't reason enough for him to stay. That he abandoned them because he didn't want them anymore.

...And that couldn't be further from the truth, obviously, but it's complicated. It's a choice between cutting away some ties even if it hurts or getting tangled in them because all he can remember are their corpses. It's the choice between leaving them behind or being stuck in the past, reliving the same pain and guilt over and over.

And here's the thing: Logan was the one who taught the children to be selfish. Finally, finally, he's allowing himself to take his own advice.

[meldingintheunderdark]

Halsin's ending is not a beautiful, pain free dream

I don't know if this opinion is unpopular because my return to tumblr is so recent, but hear me out. I will not speak about Tavs since I don't ever play them. My post will be solely focused on Halsin solo romanced by the Dark Urge, i.e. Sszazar who fought tooth and nail for redemption.

Rationally, I understand that some players are satisfied with his ending, yet I find it soul crushing all the same. It's the perfect example, nay, the quintessence of Halsin's problems. A messy knot of unaddressed traumas, of questionable decisions, the embodiment of his perpetual fuite en avant (rushing ahead to avoid something, to repeat actions that led to a first crisis).

His project is a clear attempt to fulfill needs forever denied: to have a family of his own, a community where he's at long last free from the shackles of leadership, or even to follow his own path as a druid, away from the suffocating traditions of the Emerald Enclave. A commendable project, but too ambitious for one man.

Indeed, Halsin's plan is his and his alone. Although he spoke of his desire to have a family or to help the unfortunate children, the PC is not directly involved in preparing the commune. They are kept in the dark until Halsin is ready to leave without them.

Halsin single-handedly shoulders the planning and the responsabilities that the future settlement entails. Needless to say, for centuries now, he has favored a paradoxical approach of avoidance and obsessive behavior combined with extreme guilt trip to deal with his own troubles, even distorting traumas to make them palatable. In my opinion, his solitary preparation is the expression of said approach.

They won. Faerûn is saved. The shadow curse is no more. It could be the ideal time to slow down, to assess the extent of damage after such a nerve-racking adventure. Yet Halsin is already rushing into another long lasting project involving countless settlers, among them nine whole wagons of children. He's restless. Instead of turning inward to acknowledge his shortcomings, to simply heal, he barrels along at full speed, continuing his never-ending cycle of avoidance. What about his failings as the archdruid of the Emerald Grove? A group of haggard tieflings and his absence were sufficient to let hate and cruelty fester amongst his druids. How did he fail to notice the rampant corruption? Were the Shadow Druids manipulating his people under his nose? Why did he welcome the refugees, exhausted and traumatized, only to abandon them because Aradin was going to the shattered sanctum?

Halsin must do everything alone. He welcomes the tieflings. He leaves with Aradin because he must deal with the shadow curse. Survivor guilt. If it's about himself, his most vulnerable side, then Halsin oft deals in absolutes.

Ironically, he cannot save Thaniel and his realm on his own. Although far-fetched, I personally interpret Halsin's personal questline as his reflection.

Halsin's questline is his reflection

He's obsessed with the shadow curse, without a true confident for a good century, and neglects his druids and the tieflings he decided to shelter. Out of the blue, he chooses mercenaries to support him in his irrepressible, compulsive endeavor. Unfortunately, wrong team, they fail. He is then caged like a rabid animal, at the mercy of goblins who don't communicate with him at all. There is nobody to listen to him, to his worries, to his needs. He's once again alone, like he had been with the drow captors.

The PC gives him his freedom back when no one else would, thus he faces his main fixation obsessively with this newfound support. And yet... Who listens to him? Who finds Art Cullagh? Who finds the lute? Who finds Oliver? Who kills Ketheric? The PC.

He goes to the Shadowfell to find Thaniel, alone, protected by his allies. He wants that light, that friendship, that support. (The portal with a warm, comforting glow attacked by shadows, the fact he can die if the portal is destroyed while he's seeking Thaniel… The portal could be a representation of Halsin, of the positive changes he yearns for, but he cannot progress as he's attacked by doubts, old pains, traumas.) He comes back with Thaniel, split in half. Thaniel and Oliver are reunited by the PC who, if the right options are selected, encourages Halsin to soothe Oliver.

During the last push to chase the shadows, if he's in the team to vanquish Ketheric, he's supported and led by the PC.

I know my interpretation is highly disputable, nevertheless, his questline is so him. That positive side, Thaniel, hollow. The darkness, Oliver, deeply lost and lonely, surrounded with shades that are his pseudo friends. Thaniel and Oliver are stronger together, however the curse is still overwhelming. The PC carries Halsin all the way till the shadow curse is lifted.

And the very last cutscene is all about Halsin and the PC watching nature blooming once again. Hope for a better, brighter future.

Halsin: I don't deserve you, my friend.

Halsin needs support. Don't get me wrong, he's a capable adult. He can take care of himself. Yet the glaive (though it was in EA) ended in a lone, secluded vault. Out of sight, out of mind. Halsin has been alone for so many years that he craves the support of his trusted equal to progress. It doesn't make him weaker or less of an adult. It's merely a lot less wearing to be helped by someone who reciprocates care happily and willingly.

The consequences for the commune and the orphans

All that scarcely credible yapping about his questline to say that Halsin tends to shoulder responsabilities alone, too many, far too many, with little to no self-empathy. That, without proper support, he tends to fail and hurt himself, to repeat situations which have already wounded him in the past (cf. my post about the drow twins). So, what does it mean for the commune?

I assume he will fail to nurture an environment without a vertical organizational structure at first. The hierarchy won't be similar to the Grove's, however he will become the de facto leader because he cannot for the life of him acknowledge his deepest, most painful shortcomings. Case in point:

Halsin: All these months, and I haven't been away from what we built together. There's a whole community out in Thaniel's realm that has never known a day without our presence. Halsin: Being away from it... I cannot help but worry how they will fare in our absence.

He will surround himself with like-minded people, nevertheless, we must not ignore the fact he's an archdruid, a 350 years old elf as he loves to repeat, and one of the saviors of Baldur's Gate. His experience, his fame and his tendency to burden himself are a recipe for disaster. Six months after the Elder Brain's defeat, the commune depends heavily on him. He fled leadership, only to become a leader again.

Halsin: At last count, there were nine whole wagons of children in tow. They are my duty now. 'Daddy Halsin', they call me. Who am I to tell them otherwise?

The Daddy Halsin has been "memed" to death. From my point of view, it's jarring. When Halsin reveals his plan, he barely mentions adults and doesn't associate them with the kids. His statement is crystal clear. The nine wagons of children are his duty. He's their caregiver, their new father figure. Not one parent, or one guardian among many, but the one they call Daddy. From his point of view, the concept of family seems to be eminently traditional.

Halsin: I just hope the children get by without me there for their bedtime stories...

Ultimately, the orphans will be neglected temporarily because Halsin cannot provide the necessary parenting, the emotional support nor the individual time any child deserves on his own. Furthermore, these children are extremely vulnerable. Abandoned, parents and siblings killed by the Absolute forces, who knows? It may last a week, but Halsin needs to realize first that he cannot be their only Daddy, otherwise he will hurt them. Not out of malice, not on purpose, just because he's deeply entrenched in his views and his longings.

The Dark Urge

Halsin is overly positive about the refugees wishing "to praise the savior of Baldur's Gate", adding that "quite a few little fans will be overjoyed to make your acquaintance". I won't ever believe that every single settler will be in awe of The Dark Urge, a war criminal, a murderer and a former Bhaalspawn. I can't imagine no one would demand revenge, swift and brutal justice, that nobody would directly conflate Sszazar and the destruction of their home, the death of their friends, their lovers, their families. That everyone will be levelheaded, willing to forgive and forget, or downright clueless about his identity. Not everybody will be magnanimous like Alfira. Would Halsin choose to lie by omission or be truthful about his lover's bloody past? A commune built on such a massive lie won't withstand the revelation of this ugly secret.

Henceforth, people who suffered because of the cult will be exposed, day after day, to the sole surviving Absolute mastermind. The cause of their plight is their next-door neighbor. At first, it will surely go beyond petty disagreements. Some may leave and never return. Halsin's reputation may be tarnished since he loves and shelters a war criminal. He sold them his dream without the Dark Urge because he was persuaded to be unworthy of commitment and love.

All in all, I don't think his dream will crash and burn, but I believe the canon scenario forces the happy ending devoid of nuances upon the player. Truth be told, I imagine the commune will go through a rough patch, especially if the Dark Urge is present. I won't even talk about the logistical side of the commune. Tending the crops, buying tools, managing resources, so many details... With luck, Thaniel is a real powerhouse and can heal his realm in the blink of an eye. I doubt it.

Halsin's ending is, as depicted in game, a beautiful nightmare.

[09/15/24 - edited for clarity, grammar and to highlight that I hc Halsin's failures as temporary]

[firestorm09890]

stray canto vii part 1 thoughts (warning: long)

so many cool new designs!! it made me realize how few of interest we got in Canto VI. Then almost everything was pretty standard (classic maid and butler outfits, lots of suits, Cathy had a fancy dress at least? and everything was brown. yes I know, T Corp color drain, but still. and Öufi came before season 3 ended so that didn’t count), but this time we have Camille, the P Corp guys, Fanghunt Office, Hugo I guess, Hong Lu’s sister, the firefist guy? if he counts? he barely appeared, Sansón, and all the fancy dressed up bloodfiends. woo babey!!

speaking of Jia Xichun, I like her! She’s cute! I didn’t expect to see anyone related to Hong Lu, but in retrospect I probably should’ve, since his turn is next and his family is massive. I hope nothing bad happens to her. I've never read Dream of the Red Chamber

also speaking of Hugo, lol. lmao. when he was talking about pressing the button to get the reward I was like “oh hopkins 2, got it” and then Ryōshū sliced off his hands so I guess… not hopkins 2

ALSO the blonde Fanghunt guy is named Romero, which is apparently the name of a character in Vampire: The Masquerade. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was an intentional reference

Sinclair cursing that one guy out was so awesome. I remember when Canto V part 2 came out and he censored himself saying “Bitch Brother” people were worried that the new translators were making him softer than he actually was, but, nah, he tries his best to be a polite boy but when he’s actually genuinely pissed off he does not hold back. Ryōshū correcting him BUT THEN SAYING HIS INTERPRETATION WAS GOOD absolutely killed me. my son demands respect

it’s a good day to be a Leviathan fan

The scripted loss encounter was so cool. They set you to level 45 no matter what level your LCB Don is, and take away all your EGO except the base (which you can’t even use), and I don’t know how far you can actually get in this fight because I flipped tails every single time and lost every clash

let’s talk about the Barber! leave it to Project Moon to look at the character who didn’t have very much of a personality who stuck around with the priest and attempted multiple plans to bring Don Quixote back home so he could become sane again (and burned a bunch of Quixote’s chivalry books, also with the priest), and turned him into an insane vampire woman with big scissors and a shrill cackle who stitches masks onto people’s faces.

interesting choice to have Sancho and Dulcinea both named in a single line and then not acknowledged or mentioned again

Sansón! so based on his story log portrait background being bisexual, the blue name, and him resembling someone in Demian’s group in the Limbus Company PV, I feel confident saying he’s part of Demian’s Group. The spot where his Sign would be is covered by his mask, though, so no one in-universe knows

I think this is why Sinclair was cast in the role of the Knight of the White Moon: he also has the sign, which Sansón (who is the Knight of the White Moon) would be able to see, and even if other sinners have it too, they’re not Demian’s special guy. everyone else, though, seemed to be cast in the most humiliating role possible: horse to be ridden for Gregor, wild animal for Heathcliff, random peasant for Rodya, presumably homeless old person for Outis

ok Sansón. in the book, he’s a young college student who read the first part of Don Quixote and, in part 2, approaches Quixote saying he’s a big fan and encouraging him to go back out and do more knight stuff. However, he actually just thinks Don Quixote’s antics are very amusing and isn’t actually an earnest supporter, and is conspiring with the barber and priest to get Quixote back home to stay. the way they (priest and barber try to bring him home in part 1 is by tricking him with an adventure that’s conveniently in the same direction as their home village, but then they get sidetracked in an inn for a long time so they just put him in a cage and drive him home. in part 2, they want to play on Quixote’s terms for a more effective result. near the beginning of the second part, they have Sansón dress as a knight (called the Knight of Mirrors/Knight of the Forest. these titles have no significance in the book but apparently the mirror thing forces Quixote to see himself as the frail old man he is in Man of La Mancha), say his lady is fairer than Dulcinea to get Don Quixote to duel him, and then make Quixote promise to stay home for a year when he loses. however, Sansón is the one who loses, because he wasn’t expecting Quixote to actually be good at jousting. Later, near the very end, which iirc is 3 months after the first encounter, another knight called the Knight of the White Moon issues the exact same challenge to Don Quixote (it’s just Sansón again, and "White Moon" has no significance in the original book either), but this time Sansón wins, so Don Quixote goes home, dejected, and then becomes “sane” again and dies.

Since this Sansón is part of Demian’s group, I don’t think his intentions will be the same- the Barber was a bloodfiend, and he sees beyond the ambitions of the bloodfiends now- but it’s fun to know how he is in the source nonetheless

I really like how he didn’t show up after the Barber’s defeat to say something cryptic and then leave, he told us quite a bit, and though his methods were… questionable, he DID force the sinners to actually finally pay attention to Don Quixote

speaking of the stage play, I like the juxtaposition between Sansón’s play and the Barber’s. in a different context, what Sansón did might’ve been framed as horrifying, and we’d be talking about how uncanny and unreal this is, but I don’t think that’s the intention here. the sinners might be playing roles, and all the enemies are cardboard cutouts, but it’s better than putting targets on real people (though I guess they’re not “people”, they’re bad, bad, bloodfiends). the cheerful music in La Manchaland is distorted and out of place, while the stage play is nice in comparison. the music for the talking sections is a bit too upbeat for the situation, but the music during the battles really immerses you. guitar! trumpet! maraca! this music is clearly composed to emulate spanish music, and it’s very earnest, which I think is important, with how easily music sets tone in media.

in both cases, Don Quixote is in a delusion. nothing in the stage play of her adventures is real, but she’s also completely wrapped up in the narrative of evil bloodfiends without the knowledge that she is one. a violent nightmare and a peaceful dream, both of which she needs to wake up from.

they both do this thing with black-and-white thinking, too. there’s a difference between the “good” bloodfiends, which you should get along with, and the “bad” ones, which you need to kill (though Don sees them both as bad), and then the bandits in the stage play are cartoonishly evil and love to bully the weak. except it seems the first is the narrative the Barber wanted to sell, while the second is Don Quixote’s reality… I mean, the play is definitely inaccurate, but we’ve seen how Don behaves

if you follow me for kingdom hearts and are for some reason reading this you know how much I love Nobodies in kh. people who used to be human, but aren’t anymore, who look close enough but are different on an intrinsic and physiological level, that everyone automatically treats as unreasonable monsters that need to die when they’re more complicated than that… I love it so much, I’m cheering and clapping whenever bloodfiend morality is brought up. Moses said that Larierre was cordial and offered her a place to sit and talk, but then also said bloodfiends are insatiably hungry and you shouldn’t underestimate them. agh I love it

also THE MUSIIIIIC every fight theme so far has been a banger. songs that were already good but with typical carnival instruments, big brass swing, the aforementioned nice spanish music, and the fucked up and evil sequel to dubstep electroswing featuring evil laughter

and finally, the helm of mambrino. in early part 1 of Don Quixote, he sees a barber (COMPLETELY unrelated barber to the other barber btw) carrying a basin on his head, and thinks it’s the amazing mystical Helm of Mambrino, so he attacks the barber and steals the basin. Don Quixote wears it as a helmet a few times and everyone thinks it looks really stupid. they did not fight a bear for it, nor did they go into a cave. idk what this might actually be in the City. either we’ll see or we won’t

[bibibbon]

Nobody ever pays attention to the fact that Hawks is literally a government drone. He has bird wings that have feathers that can listen in on conversations, and he works for the government.

Hawks works for the bourgeoisie.

That's the interesting aspect of Hawk's character since he literally fulfils the role of the perfect government spy or agent.

Hawk's has it all to fit the role perfectly. He has the quirk, the skills, the looks and the charisma. He is a beautifully built puppet that works to uphold the status quo, the same status quo that also harms people like him (hetamorphs and the less fortunate in society).

To the civillians and the hpsc Hawk's is perfect in every way possible. However, this notion of perfection is interpreted differently by both the hpsc and the civillains. To the HPSC Hawk's is the perfectly crafted puppet that was successfully produced to be everything they wanted him to be.

Hawk's to them understands the system, was raised to worship it and uphold it. He has no doubts of what he must do and does it almost as if the action of upholding the system and killing have become second nature and pure animalistic instinct to him. Those red feathers are the HPSC biggest prize. They are stained culling weapons that kill, disarm, hear and have eyes everywhere. A huanting red that must do what's necessary for the system to survive and for the government to always be on top. The colour of blood but to the hpsc it's the colour of their pride and most perfected puppet.

To the civillains Hawk's is alluring. He is handsome, young, strong, tall, muscular and he has it all. Hawk's is what the people fan over and to some who they want to be. He is a Saint to the civillains a man with good looks that ensures to keep them safe with his agility and quickness. An angle in disguise is what the civillains would think of him (yet to the villains he is more of the devil in disguise)

To the villains hawk's is the embodiment of the system and its wicked ways. Hawk's interaction with twice says it best whether that be from Hawk's not wanting to kill twice heck he tried to disarm twice he cut off twices muscles so he couldn't move and therefore disarmed him from using his quirk yet when it came to it hawk's reverted to his hpsc taught instinct and killed what he deemed a good man. OR twice completely being shattered at the betrayal and realising that hawk's is the system that he hates and has suffered from severly.

Throughout the MVA arc hori seems to draw some religious imagery of Hawk's comparing him to the fallen angle or heck even icarus (could be both 🤷‍♀️) In the MVA arc Hawk's does tell the truth about one thing and that is that he feels trapped in a cage due to the hpsc. Hawk's wanted to escape that cage, and one way he may have tried to defy the hpsc was to try and save twice, yet in the end, he never did. He was too optimistic, too quick to revet to hpsc instinct and too slow to fully stop twice so he ended up killing him and rather falling from grace of the publics eye who saw this happen on a live recording, from the eye of the hpsc who if they were still around would of quickly abandoned him and he fell as a hero.

Hawk's ambition and insiticts led to his failure.

In the end, Hawk's is a government spy that upholds the status quo and the mha civillains most of them that is were okay with the status quo so why would they care if the hpsc would send a spy in order to keep them "safe"?

(Such a shame that Hawk's never gets to change properly whether that be acknowledging his mistakes, changing by leaving the instinct embeded in him and getting to have proper intropsection looking at characters in a different light such as enji)

[poppy-metal]

we simply must discuss the vibes of alpha!Jordan li who has never given half a damn about any omega until he meets the cute little freshman (you) and becomes obsessed. We have to talk about it

stop bc they get to fucking irritated by omegas - not that they have prejudice against them - they just hate the whole biological aspect that makes them want to lose control and tear an innocent omega apart on their knot. they make sure to stay far fucking away from them, but you make is so fucking difficult. always up in their space with your sweet scent and big eyes.

like they try to stay away, but then you go and get yourself in trouble. cornered by a pack of alphas outside the gym they workout at, so of course they have to step in, rearrange a few jaws. and the way they can't help but puff up their chest when you preen at them, thanking them with wet eyes and pouty lips for saving them - they want to maul you right there. just manage to bite out, "watch where the fuck you're going, freshie. this is the seniors gym. don't make me save your ass again."

and despite such a threat - they do. end up saving you. again. at a party dress barely covering your ass, letting fucking Rufus of all people chat you up. and maybe they dont have to intervene. except their pheromones are raging and they're clenching their fist so hard around their bottle it shatters in their palm. they dont even acknowledge the sting, the bite of the glass, just stalk over and drag your ass away like a kitten by its scruff.

you'd think they were about to pound your face in with the way they slam you into a wall, less crowded there. cage you in with hands on either side of your head. glare at you like they want to fight you - jaw clenched as their eyes dip down to your cleavage. "thought i told you not to make me save your ass again, freshman. and what am i here fucking doing."

that omega need to please immediately pulling at your heartstrings making your sweet cloying scent spill out of you and wrap around them. trying to calm them. dont want alpha to be mad, not at you. "s-sorry alph-"

"don't." they snap, sounding pained. their fingers curl a little into the plaster of the wall beside you. there will be a dent there when they pull back, for sure. "fucking call me that. it's jordan."

you naw on your lip, torn between the desire to do as they say and to adress them properly. "but why?" you ask, so innocent, so curious. big lashes fluttering at them. "you are my alpha. i just wanna - you know. show my respect."

they stare at you for a heavy moment. pulse pounding in your eardrums. you feel like you're imagining it when you hear a faint rumbling in their chest, an alpha like purr. jordan seems to notice it too, and their neck flushes. they jerk away from you, glad to be in fem!form or else you'd have a front row seat to how fucking turned on they are right now.

"you wanna make me happy?"

you nod. eagerly. fuck. their cunt pulses. their alpha clit chubbing up in their jeans. wanting to rut itself inside you - reward you for being so fucking obedient.

"then go the fuck home. tuck yourself into bed like a good little omega and stay the hell away from me - i mean it. i don't wanna be responsible for whatever happens because you're too fucking naivè to know when to stop."

they leave you there - trembling against the wall. intimated, yes. but also - spurred on. it feels like a challenge. and a challenge issued from your alpha is impossible to ignore.

you glance to your side. slick drips wetly from your cunt at the sight of the claw marks they left on the wall. the amount of restraint it took for them not to put their hands on you.

that kind of restraint - once it breaks - well. you'd like to find out.

[anshares]

Once upon a time, there was a prince most beloved by all.

He was highly doted on by everyone but especially so by two men: his older brother, His Majesty the Emperor, and by his secret suitor, a childhood friend by the name of He Xuan.

By all accounts, Prince Qingxuan should have a blessed life. Unfortunately it was nothing but a wretched beginning,with a wretched end.

His brother, wary of him vying forthe crown, kept him on a tight leash, while the other man in his life perished on the battlefield. To live your life in a guilded birdcage, that is the tale of this prince.

Click more for full plot!

ROYALTY AU (M/M Flavor Beefleaf)

Shi Qingxuan is a royal prince, brother of Shi Wudu the emperor who is known to be a tyrant

He Xuan comes from a military family but he refuses to practice the sword and prefers to read instead.

They first met in the palace as kids when HX was accompanying his father to a meeting and he explored the palace grounds while he waited for his father.

He is reading by the garden and meets SQX there who is playing hooky from royal lessons and from that moment on they become friends. (SQX the talker and HX the listener). Emperor Shi Wudu, seeing that his brother favors this kid, assigns him as his playmate.

Then one day SQX got kidnapped by rebels, HX tried to rescue SQX and found him after a day. They managed to escape from the kidnappers but were found by one of the rebels,

they tried to run as fast they could and managed to lose the guy chasing them but SQX sprained his ankle so HX had to piggyback SQX

luckily they were found by the royal guards and the rebels who dared kidnapped the Tyrant Emperor’s only brother were executed and put on display in the plaza.

Emperor Shi Wudu awards the He family for what their youngest son did and officially appointed HX as SQX future retainer and personal guard, SWD acknowledges how smart He Xuan is and was impressed by his bravery,

he saw potential in him and to HX dismay he has to learn the way of the sword which SQX teased him over because he kept whining about it during their breaks or sparring sessions.

As they grow up they become inseparable and people talk about how incompatible they are, like how the young prince who is beloved by everyone is with this gloomy person but it works. They are closer as ever CLOSER than anyone thinks.

They sometimes have a rendezvous in the library where they “study” or at the garden where SQX likes picking his favorite berries. SQX feeds HX one and he sucks the leftover juice in SQX finger which leaves him flustered.

The truth is they have been in a relationship for years now but they just hide to protect SQX reputation, as their genders and status won't let them be accepted by society and it will cause quite a scandal.

Hx and sqx also have talks on having life outside the palace and he sees that sqx is not really fond of palace life, and sqx admits that there are times where he just wants to run away from it all but he can't

Contrary to popular belief, emperor swd is known as a tyrant and his brother is no exception to the treatment. As his brother constantly watches sqx every move and punishes him even for the slightest mistake,

making sqx doubt himself and belittling him to the point where sqx life is controlled by swd.

This makes sqx be easily influenced that he himself even forgets he has choices on the matter.

All he knows is that his brother controls his fate, his marriage and as a prince he has a duty to his country, he can't entertain selfish thoughts which is why these few moments of reprieve where he could spend his time with his lover dreaming about life outside the palace is all he could do,

there's nothing bad with just dreaming inside his gilded cage with his lover by his side, he feels like he can soar free.

Even with HX gloomy countenance he is quite popular among the ladies that there were also rumors how HX is gonna be engaged to a woman he is usually seen with and visits his house

but in truth he just treats the girl as a younger sister and is actually from the family where his own sister is getting engaged to.

During a marriage interview where SQX meets with his possible marriage candidates he meets the rumored girl as she was part of the selection. She asked about HX to SQX and disclosed her true feelings about HX.

SQX assumes that something is going on between them and with how the rumors are, SQX gets worried about this so he asks about it to He Xuan, HX assures him that nothing is going on between him and the lady.

SQX is a little bit jealous so HX smirks and “do you want me to show you how much I love his highness” and they proceed to have a passionate night where they assure each other that they are the only ones they will love and be loyal too.

They actually talk about running away from the capital and just settle down in a rural village without their statuses getting in the way they'll just be Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan, just 2 normal people but skirmish/war with the rebel army happens so they have to draft up every son in each family.

It is also perfect opportunity for Shi wudu to get rid of a pest that might ruin his brother’s reputation because he learned of his brother's growing affection for HX since a palace maid witnessed one of their “study” sessions

so he dispatches him to the front lines at the border where he is the appointed strategist. SQX is not aware that SWD knows about their secret tryst.

Before HX leaves, SQX makes him promise to come back alive because he has something to tell him, HX asks why wouldn't he just tell him now SQX says it isn't the right time and at least he will have motivation to come back as soon as he can to the capital.

He was actually going to tell him “I love you” since they hadn’t said it to each other yet, SQX also requests that he write often, HX does but it gets intercepted by SWD and alters the contents so it'll look like HX is gradually changing his mind about their relationship.

Unfortunately HX dies in war with a lot of arrows in his back (like the visual in bloody festival) he tries to get back to camp but with his heavy injuries he won't survive,

he knows this but still tries because he promised SQX he will come back, he hasn't heard what SQX wants to say yet and it seems important.

SQX won't hear news of his death, Shi wudu will keep it under wraps and make up a story on why HX is getting transferred. He tried to ask around and find out why HX hasn't come back yet even though the war is over.

All SWD said was for their service to the country the He family was granted a piece of land to a far away place. HX decided to settle there and get married which was impossible since HX promised SQX,

did he change his mind after being away from each other for years, is this why his letter gradually stopped and the contents were not as sweet as they were during the first year.

SQX can't go out and check it out himself with no good reason, so he look at records and stuff everything checks out, he is hurt but he is glad that at least HX is alive and well somewhere even tho far away from him,

SQX doesn't want to get in the way of HX happiness even if they grew far apart from each other so he decides to let him go but SQX doesnt know that the reward also doubles as compensation for the grieving family and that the family decided to leave the capital because of painful memories.

At the end SQX monologues if it was a sin of falling in love with HX since they are both men and how he wishes in the next life he can love him freely without their status getting in the way and being condemned by society.

Epilogue:

SQX finally gets to go out for inspection and it's in the city where He Xuan's whole family relocated he was all cheerful like even tho HX is probably married now at least he can still visit as his friend as long as he is happy and healthy even if it wasn't with him that's all that matters

so when he asks the parents where he xuan is…. it got sus cuz why the home is so gloomy then he sees the family shrine…..with He Xuan's tablet in it.

SQX is shocked and can't believe what he is seeing because how could that be?? Were all the things his brother said to him are lies all these years….

Sqx didn't even know he had already lost hx years ago, did he die swift and painless, did they find the body in the battle field and give him a proper burial. He wasn't even able to give his lover respects and he couldn't even see him one last time because of her brother's intervention.

What about those letters then? Were they really from he xuan??

and then realizes it's indirectly his fault. He connects the dots and realizes that it's swd's fault but the blame doesn't just falls on his brother but also him for he wasn't strong enough to defy his brother,

didn't fight harder to ensure his lover's safety, he shouldn't have been ignorant, he should've have been more observant, he should've been more…..Then hx mom interrupted his spiraling thoughts as she noticed how pale and shocked the prince looked.

Hx mother knows how close she is with her son so finding out hx this way is shocking.

" Your highness, I wanted to let you know that he died honorably in battle protecting the city and its people.

They were able to find his body and give him a proper burial.

I can't thank the emperor enough for bringing my son home. Also I wanted to give you this, it was one of A-xuan's belongings, a journal. I think it may be best if his highness hold on to it."

After he paid his respects and did his exception he left the city with a heavy heart he didn't expect this outcome. As he journeys back to the capital, he opens HX journal. Its full of entries of hx listing everything that reminded him of sqx,

like how he saw the wildflowers that he used to collect for him to make into a crown as kids, how a nervous soldier reminded him of sqx's inability to lie, how he noticed sqx's influence in choosing the meals sent to the soldiers, etc.

Growing up as royalty he was thought to have a good handle on his emotions but he couldn't after reading the journal and so he broke down,

he sobbed and called out to he xuan even though he knows no one will answer anymore when he calls out the name. He just lets out all his grief, anguish and love lost.

When he calmed down he made a promise that he will devote himself to serving the people better so that they're not left at his brother's mercy and tucks the journal safely back to his sleeves as he sees the capital over the horizon.

-THE END-

[theladycarpathia]

So @arisque has heard a LOT about my Buffy AU and while I haven't started a full fic yet, @hellcheerweek spooky prompts was the perfect chance for me to explore the universe a little bit.

Day 1 - Vampire

She’d said she was going to spend the night at Tina’s. 

This isn’t technically a lie. 

The music is so loud that Chrissy can’t hear anyone else unless they shout to her, can’t even hear herself think…which is the way she likes it. All she has to do is dance, lost in a sea of people, and get swept away by the beat. 

Tina’s parents had made the grave error of leaving town and not calling in Tina’s aunt to keep an eye on her. The invite had been extended to anyone willing to come out to Loch Nora on Friday night, which apparently is most of the school.

Chrissy hadn’t taken a whole lot of persuading. She’d made the cheerleading team, but even that hadn’t made her mom happy. Sometimes Chrissy thinks Laura would be happier if she could break Chrissy down into parts, lay out each segment on a table, and twist and carve it down to the daughter she really wants. Sometimes Chrissy thinks she seems to be trying anyway. 

“I’m going to get a drink!” she shouts, gesturing to the kitchen. No one really acknowledges her except for Tina who just nods in return. Carol and Tommy disappeared half an hour ago and Chrissy’s pretty certain that they’re continuing the grand tradition of having sex on other peoples’ beds. 

She pushes her way through the crowds of bodies, narrowly avoiding being elbowed in the head, and slips into the kitchen. The usual punch bowl is there, and she’s already figured out to avoid it. But she has the advantage of knowing where Tina’s family keep their spare sodas. 

She ducks out of the back door, grateful for the cool air. Inside her skin had grown hot and slightly tacky, even in her little dress. The garage door is locked, but Chrissy easily finds the key, hidden on top of the door frame. 

It’s still not completely quiet out here but at least she’s alone. The spare fridge hums quietly along the far wall, next to Mr Cline’s tools and hedge trimmer. Chrissy tugs open the door and grabs for a can of lemonade, the can blissfully cool. She’s drained almost half of it the second she’s cracked the tab.

From here she can still hear the music, and she wonders how the cops haven’t been called yet. But the Morrisons on the other side are elderly and might not notice the music so easily. And the local police usually let a party slide, unless they get numerous complaints. 

She should go back in. She should let Jason dance with her, because he’s made it clear that he’s impatient being kept at arm’s length. It was fine to be linked together in middle school, to have a partner for school dances but now it feels serious. She doesn’t want to be like her mom - marrying her high school boyfriend, because it’s the only option, and letting the cage she chose make her more bitter and miserable with every passing year. 

But when she emerges back outside, the September breeze lifting the curls around her shoulders, something catches her eye.

Chrissy stops. She just saw someone move inside the Morrisons’ front room. 

The Morrisons have lived next to Tina for years. Mrs Morrison bakes oatmeal cookies and always encourages Chrissy to have another. Mr Morrison used to let them come over to use his grandson’s trampoline, until they got too old. Chrissy knows that the figure - young, slim, dark-haired - isn’t either one of the Morrisons. 

It might be their son. But she’s met him, and he’s a man in his forties, with graying hair and wire-rimmed glasses. This isn’t him. 

Something uncomfortable churns in her belly. Maybe there’s another reason why the Morrisons haven’t reported the party to the police. 

She takes a look back at the house behind her. It’s filled with people and she should go get anyone of them to accompany her. Jason maybe, or Patrick. Even Tina would come with her, if she went back and asked. 

But she doesn’t go back and ask. She strides down Tina’s drive and hops across the Morrisons lawn. Their drive is empty, Mr Morrison’s prized corvette tucked away in the garage. There’s a Beemer further down the street, something expensive and new, and she wonders if it belongs to someone at the party, who didn’t want to risk their car getting scratched. 

The house is dark when she reaches the front door, which worries her further still. Surely they can’t be asleep with the noise next door? Maybe their hearing is that bad, or Mr Morrison misplaced his hearing aid again. 

But she knocks on the door anyway, pounding loudly to be heard. 

“Mr Morrison?” she calls. She feels slightly sick - she’s either about to disturb an old couple or there’s something seriously wrong here. “Mrs Morrison? It’s Chrissy Cunningham. I’m a friend of Tina’s?”

But there’s no answer. She peers around to look in the front windows and it occurs to her now that all of the curtains are open. She looks up to be sure and every single one is wide open. 

Why would they leave all of their curtains open? Every other house on the street, save Tina’s, has them closed. And every other house has some form of lights on, a lamp, a porch-light, something. 

Unless someone didn’t want to risk being seen under bright lights. Like the person that Chrissy saw inside the house. 

Chrissy takes a shaky step back, her legs suddenly threatening to give way. The feeling in her body is now screaming at her, telling her that every part of this is wrong. She needs to go back to Tina’s house to use the phone. 

But before she can, there’s a sharp pain in her head, like someone has dug their fingers deep into her scalp. She shrieks and stumbles, her ankle giving way beneath her so that she lands on the grass. But none of that matters, because what she sees in front of her eyes isn’t the clouded night sky, or the quiet mausoleum of the Morrisons house. 

And when it ebbs away she’s left panting, lying on her back on the front lawn. And for a second she wonders if she’s going mad, because she saw, crystal clear, two people breaking into the Morrisons’ back door. It was like she’d been there - she heard the lock break, just audible underneath the sound of the wind chimes. She saw one of them move around, quietly turning off lights. She saw both of them slipping upstairs, barely making a sound on the steps. 

Chrissy pushes herself up on one elbow, even though this makes her head scream in agony. It’s almost tempting to lie back down, let her limbs sink into the coolness of the grass, but unless she’s crazy, someone really did break in. 

If she’d had any of the punch, she might be more willing to believe she was seeing things. But she is painfully sober and has no such luxury. 

She stumbles to her feet, wobbling on shaking legs. She doesn’t know how she saw it or why, just that it has a cost. She’s in no shape to help anyone but she has to try. 

“Mr Morrison!” she shouts, and pounds her open palm on the door. She knows she’s not going to get an answer but she doesn’t know what else to do. 

The dark shape that appears in the window next to her doesn’t even really look human.His face is twisted, with hard ridges across his nose and forehead, mouth slightly too wide like it was made to fit extra teeth. His eyes are the worst, gleaming bright yellow, like something from one of her brother’s video games. 

Chrissy freezes - she can’t help it. Perhaps for the first time she understands what it’s like to be prey, fixed on the spot under the gaze of something hungry. She’s made a mistake by catching his attention. 

Then he vanishes from the window and Chrissy jerks, as though she’s been released from a spell. She only has a second before panic sets in - he saw her. He saw her face. Even if she runs back to the party, it’s not like she can go anywhere. No one is in a fit state to drive her home. 

But the door opens and the face she sees there isn’t the one she expects. 

“Get in!” the school librarian hisses at her, holding out a hand urgently. Chrissy doesn’t move because something about this man has always given her the creeps. She avoids the school library as much as possible, preferring the large public one in town. Something about the dark stacks, the unusual leather-bound books he keeps behind the counter, even the dusty old suits he wears, all make her hair stand on end. And now he’s here, in the darkened doorway of her friends’ neighbors, at the same time as someone - something - terrifying.

“Hurry up!” he snaps and Chrissy moves forward, perhaps against her better judgment, into the stillness of the house. 

Or maybe not that still. 

The front room is still occupied by that man but a young woman has now joined him. Chrissy only has a moment to stare before Mr Bauman pulls her back, tucking her behind the banister of the stairs. There are two other figures there too, young and lanky, but they don’t hold her attention as much as the fight in the front room. 

She knows this girl. They go to school together. She’s wearing combat boots, a sturdy jacket, and she ducks and dodges as the man tries to hit her. She’s fast on her feet, avoiding every swipe of his long, jagged nails. He tries to lunge for her, and misses, and she takes the opportunity to lash out. Her arm strikes, deadly and precise, driving a thick stake into the center of his chest. Chrissy stifles a shriek but his face only shows brief surprise before he fades into dust. 

“Good shot,” Mr Bauman comments, as the girl brushes dust off her arm. She only looks vaguely annoyed, as though men turning to pieces of ash flaking gently on the Morrisons’ carpet is an everyday occurrence. “Even with the unexpected…interruptions.”

All too late, Chrissy realizes that he’s looking at her. 

“They’re all too cocky,” the girl complains, nudging at the pile of dust with her toe. “Do we need to clean this up?”

“Is that part of our job now?” one of the boys asks, and when he moves out of the darkness behind the banister, Chrissy gets a better look at his face. She knows him too - it’s Jonathan Byers, from the school paper. “Cleaning up afterwards?”

“No, it is not,” Mr Bauman says, tensely. “We’ll let Hopper know…I’ll leave a message with the usual code. The better question is, why is a cheerleader here?”

“There’s a party next door,” another voice says, the final occupant. Chrissy doesn’t ask why two boys and a grown man were hiding behind the stairs, while a fifteen year old girl fights. They’re all carrying the same weapons, a heavy stake, sharpened to a point, except for the boy in front of her, who has a bat hanging from his fingers. It takes her a second to realize that her eyes aren’t tricking her, but the odd shape of the wood is from dozens of nails being driven into the end. “Tina’s thing.”

As if this night couldn’t get any weirder - Steve Harrington, King Steve, is staring at her like she doesn’t belong here. 

“What just happened?” Chrissy asks and is a little surprised at how faint her voice sounds. Maybe the strange visions took that too. The four all look at each other and in that moment, Chrissy realizes a few things. That none of this is unusual for them, and that despite their various differences, they’re here working together. 

“That,” the girl says, pointing down at the floor. “Was a vampire. We’ve been tracking him for a while. We were pretty sure that someone was working Loch Nora. Too many break ins lately. So I staked him.”

“Robin!” Mr Bauman says, looking put out. And a vague memory pushes itself to the front of Chrissy’s head. The Hawkins High band, in fresh green outfits and white gloves, a sea of faces…or perhaps not. Because the girl staring back at Chrissy, her gaze cool, is one of those people that she’s seen out of the corner of her eye on so many mornings. 

“She just saw it,” Robin protests. “It’s not like we can hide it!”

“A little discretion might be advised,” Mr Bauman continues, looking tired. Chrissy kind of can’t blame him. She’s been involved in this mess for five minutes and she’s already exhausted. “It’ll do us no good if your position as the Slayer is revealed to the world by the school paper!”

“Chrissy’s okay,” Steve offers, thumping his bat against one of the mahogany side tables. “She won’t tell.”

“And we wouldn’t publish that anyway!” Jonathan says indignantly. Chrissy doesn’t stop to ask for any further detail - what is a Slayer anyway? - because she’s busy looking around. The rest of the house is quiet, no creaking of footsteps overhead. 

“Where’s the other one?” she asks and is met by four very startled faces. 

“What other one?” Steve asks, tilting his head.

“The other one,” Chrissy says and wraps her arms around herself. They’re all dressed sensibly, thick material prepared for the warmth and any oncoming attacks but she’s wearing a little black dress that brushes her thighs. “I saw…” she trails off, because she didn’t really see, did she? She never went around the back of the house. 

Mr Bauman is looking at her with a strange expression. “And where exactly,” he inquires carefully. “Did you see that?”

“I don’t know,” Chrissy says weakly. “I was at the party and I noticed it was all dark over here. I knocked on the door and there was no answer.”

“Did you see two people?” Mr Bauman pushes. Chrissy licks her lips. She’s going to sound crazy…but what if she’s not? What if there really are two and there’s another vampire roaming free? There’s a party of kids next door, all too high on music and alcohol to be anything other than easy pickings.

“I saw two people come in the back door,” she says hesitantly. “They turned off all the lights and went upstairs…I can’t explain how I saw it but I swear, I-” Mr Bauman holds up a hand. There’s something oddly delighted about his face and she’s not sure she likes the satisfaction there. 

“How interesting,” he says and moves across to her. “I thought your eyes looked a little bloodshot but I just thought that was from the party…does your head hurt? Eyes feel sensitive? Do you feel weak and disoriented?”

“What the fuck, Murray?” Steve asks, stalking across to where Murray is peering into Chrissy’s eyes. “Can we not dissect her?” But Murray has already taken a step back, looking triumphant. 

“She’s a seer,” he says and Robin guffaws. 

“She can’t be,” she says, looking back at Chrissy in disbelief. “She’s a cheerleader. I thought you said true seers are really rare…”

“Is it so hard to believe in Hawkins?” Mr Bauman asks, tucking his stake into his pocket. “She has all the signs. I don’t believe she went around the back of the house - chances are we would have seen her as we came in that way ourselves. And I doubt she was here much longer than a few minutes or the vampire would have found her sooner. So how did she see two vampires? And she has all the symptoms. It’s not an easy thing, receiving a vision. Excruciatingly painful, I’ve heard…and you definitely saw more than one?”

“There’s two,” Chrissy says, looking around at each skeptical face. She’s worried that they won’t believe her but they also just staked a vampire, so she finds that a touch unfair. “I saw two.” Ha! Like I said!

“I fucking told you,” Steve says, sounding disgruntled. He sweeps his hair back from his face, a motion Chrissy must have seen hundreds of times. Normally he does it carefully, aimed at whatever girl has taken his fancy, but this is brisk, efficient. 

“Well, sorr-ee,” Robin snaps back tensely. “I wasn’t expecting vampires to get a taste for rich people.”

“They’re vampires!” Steve says back incredulously, throwing out his arms. “They’re not picky!”

“Alright, children,” Mr Bauman snaps, effectively cutting off the argument. “That’s enough. We have bigger problems afoot here.”

Something about his tone is unsettling. She’s not sure what he’s doing here, like he’s leading three teenagers into battle. She gathers that Robin is something special, but the rest of the dynamics she hasn’t quite worked out yet. The loner, the misfit, and the jock, all here under the lead of the school librarian. 

“I think she’s right,” Mr Bauman says, gesturing to Chrissy with the end of his stake. “It doesn't make sense otherwise. There would have been noise, some screaming. It wouldn’t be possible unless there were two.”

“Two for what?” Chrissy asks suspiciously and the room goes very quiet. Jonathan will no longer meet her eyes. Even Steve looks uncomfortable, an unhappy twist to his mouth. She takes off up the stairs before any of them can stop her, adrenaline pushing her legs to move faster than they ever have done before. 

The terrible feeling earlier now made sense. 

The Morrisons had gone to bed. They’re lying silently, side by side, Mr Morrison in pinstripes, Mrs Morrison in a flowered nightdress. They’re on their backs, faces still and peaceful like they hadn’t even known that they had died. 

It was only the neat holes pierced in their necks, each one wearing a matching pair, blood beginning to dry and crust on their skin that gave away the truth. 

The only consolation is that the music will ensure no one else hears her scream.

[windcarvedlyre]

It's been a long time since I first experienced THH myself, so until I finished streaming ch1 with @vv-ispy (who I'm echoing some thoughts of here) and @thecinderninja last night I forgot just how good that case was.

The 11037 thing is painful, but if we assume that's less blatant to a japanese audience and look at everything else it's really well done.

The slow build of Naegi getting to know Maizono- both of them latching onto each other as the only island of familiarity in a sea of chaos. The way Maizono is such a good idol that she emotes and moves like one even off the stage, but makes it appear so natural that it's difficult to tell what's authentically her and what's a performance.

Maizono gaining his trust, breaking down in his arms and begging for his help. Naegi putting his complete faith in her and trying his best to protect her because he has to- he has nothing else right now- while Maizono, desperate, ruthless Maizono, was planning the entire time to take advantage of him to leave alone in a horrible twist of those words.

Maizono's almost feral expressions as she fought Leon in Naegi's room. The way she regretted everything in her final moments, using every drop of her remaining energy to write Leon's name in her own blood to save him. The way she messed up the N as if she was so weak by that point she could barely keep her finger against the wall.

The way Naegi's brain seemed to circle around the truth despite sign after sign that Maizono wasn't just a victim, struggling to even acknowledge the possibility until Kirigiri gently guided him every step of the way.

The way that, despite everything, despite having to endure eleven people calling him her murderer for hours until he could thoroughly debunk them, he couldn't even be angry at her afterwards. Not even for a second. He went straight to being angry at Monokuma.

The way that there's nothing glorious about Leon's death either. The end of his execution, the class staring silently as harsh lights illuminate his lifeless body, killed by the thing that's caged him his entire life, is one of the most unsettling shots in the series.

It's a powerful way to start the series. Easy enough to ease players into the game without compromising on emotional depth, establishing well some important themes of the series: that noone is pure, that everyone has hidden depths, that the people you'd least expect to do horrible things could be the first to snap if their situation is bad enough, and that death is tragic regardless of how much someone 'deserves' it. Because noone actually does.

[pnutbutter-n-j-elyy]

Suicide Prevention Month

TW: Mentions of Suicide, Depression, Death, Familial Issues

In honor of Suicide Prevention Month, I want to share something that’s been weighing on me for a long time. From ages 11 to 19, I tried—five different times—to end my life. I was convinced that the darkness was all there was, that there was nothing beyond the pain I felt. But now, almost 20 years old, I’ve realized how wrong I was. If any of those attempts had succeeded, I wouldn’t be here to experience all the beauty and opportunity this life has to offer.

It’s hard to put into words just how much I’ve learned about myself over the years. I’ve been through more pain than I ever thought I could endure. There were moments when it felt like even the darkness was too bright for me, and all I wanted was for everything to stop. Some days, that feeling still lingers. Some days, I wake up and wish I had succeeded. I find myself staring at a blank page with a pen clutched in my hand, or a blank screen with my hands over the keyboard, wondering if anyone would stand at my grave if I disappeared. 

But here’s what I’ve come to understand: If I have a reason to write a note, I have a reason to keep living. The very act of wanting to leave something behind, a final word or explanation, means there’s something still holding me here. Something still worth fighting for, even if I can’t always see it in the moment.

Life isn’t easy. I know firsthand what it’s like to feel like the world has turned its back on you. 

My life is far from perfect. I’m still dealing with things that weigh me down, wounds that have never fully healed.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to reconcile what it means to be "unwanted." And for a long time, I thought that meant I didn’t deserve to be here.There are times when I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in, struggling with rejection from the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. When I was 18, I almost died in a car accident, and my mother didn’t shed a single tear. I can vividly remember lying in that hospital bed, watching her scroll through her phone as if my being there was nothing more than an inconvenience.

I still feel the weight of that day. But the most painful moment was later, during a heated argument when I broke down and whispered, "I wish I had died." My mother, who had started a new family with my stepfather and seemed to drift away more and more each second had shot back immediatelt "Well, too bad you didn’t."

It was in that moment, more than any other, that I truly felt abandoned—like I was nothing but an obligation to her. It was the moment I realized the cage I felt trapped in was my own hope that my mother might one day see me, acknowledge me, love me the way I had longed for her to. That kind of pain—the pain of abandonment, of never being enough for the people who are supposed to love you the most—it doesn’t go away overnight. Maybe it never fully goes away at all.

But here’s what I’ve learned: the pain isn’t forever. No matter how much it hurts right now, it won’t always hurt this bad. Over time, it becomes easier to carry. There are days now where I can breathe again, where I’m reminded that life still has so much left for me to experience.And that i deserve to be here. That God put me on this planet for a reason. That whatever you believe in - God, Allah, the Universe, Science- there is a reason why you are here. And if I deserve to be here- so do you.

No matter how hard life gets, and trust me, it gets unbearably hard sometimes, there is still so much left to experience. There’s still love to be found, friendships to build, moments of pure joy and connection that you can’t even begin to imagine when you’re stuck in that dark place. If those five attempts had worked, I never would’ve had the chance to meet new people, to maybe one day fall in love, to start a family of my own. I wouldn’t be here, sitting at my desk, writing this, hoping that my words reach even just one person who needs to hear it.

Sometimes, when things feel like they’re too much, I find solace in the small, ordinary moments. The smell of coffee in the morning. The feeling of dread when I see a spider and know I have to deal with it. The excitement of seeing a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, or the simple contentment of putting my thoughts on paper. Life isn’t just made up of the big, earth-shattering moments; it’s these small, everyday experiences that give it meaning.

I’ll be honest—there are days when I still struggle. Days where I feel like I’m slipping back into that tunnel where the light at the end seems unreachable. I know that feeling well. I’m going through it right now, in fact. It hits me hard, especially knowing that even during my lowest points, there were no tears shed for me. That’s a kind of pain that lingers.

But even in the midst of that pain, I’ve learned something important: suicide is a permanent solution to a set of temporary problems. I’m not saying that life will magically get better overnight, or that you won’t face hardships moving forward. You will. Life doesn’t pull any punches. But what I am saying is that there are bright, beautiful days ahead of you, ones that you can’t even fathom yet. There are people you’ll meet along the way who will walk with you, hold your hand, and help you face whatever’s ahead. You don’t have to be scared to face those days alone.

There are people in my life who I rely on heavily—people who don’t even know how much they mean to me because I don’t want to burden them with my struggles. Sometimes it’s the smallest things they do that make the biggest difference. And that’s something I’ve learned recently: even when you feel like a burden, even when you feel like no one cares, there are people who love and need you, even if they don’t always show it in the way you hope they would.

You are loved. You are needed. And I know that might be hard to believe right now, but trust me, it’s true. If I could go back and talk to that 11-year-old me, the one who thought that the only way out was to end it all, I’d tell her to hang on. That the future, while uncertain and sometimes terrifying, is full of possibility. That there are so many more smiles to smile, more laughs to laugh, more songs to hear, more stories to live.

I’ve lived 19 years as an adult. Almost 20. And it’s only now that I’m starting to experience that pure, childlike wonder I thought was lost to me forever. It’s only now that I’m beginning to see what’s truly possible in life. And if any of those five attempts had succeeded, I would’ve missed out on all of it. On the hope of finding love, of giving my future children the kind of love I yearned for growing up. On the anticipation of doing great things. On the nervous indecisiveness of realizing that my future is wide open, waiting for me to step into it.

So if you feel like you can’t take another day, I want you to know that it *will* get better. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually, you’ll reach the end of that tunnel. And when you do, there will be people waiting for you, ready to help pull you through. Stay for them. Stay for the small moments you haven’t experienced yet, the ones that seem insignificant but make life worth living. Stay because your story isn’t over yet, and you are the one who gets to write the next chapter.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel lost. But know this—you are strong enough to get through it. I’ve been there. But I’m still here, and I’m asking you to stay, too. Stay to see the good that’s still waiting for you. Stay to laugh, to cry, to feel all the things that make life real. Stay, because you are loved, even when you can’t see it. You matter more than you know.

You are the author of your story. It’s not finished yet, and the best chapters are still ahead. Stay for them. Stay for you. 

You matter. Your life matters. And the world is a better place with you in it.

[chick-with-wifi]

Shoot relationship timeline

Shaw's perspective

Following their first meeting, Shaw begins hunting down Root out of anger, but there is also a definite element of fascination. Root managed to trick her completely, which is not easy to do given what we've seen of Shaw's cold-reading skills, and shares her enjoyment of violence.

Later, Root gets the drop on her again by showing up in her bedroom to kidnap her. Shaw is furious and only agrees to work together once Root proves she's getting orders from the Machine. Throughout this mission, she witnesses Root's loyalty, considerable skills and the promised violence (as well as other things in the CIA safehouse) that prove their compatibility.

While Root is in the Faraday Cage, Shaw consistently advocates for letting her help them. She still doesn't trust Root, but understands her and knows she will do what she's offering. Sure enough, Root is let out of the cage and saves Reese, which is when she earns Shaw's respect and trust.

Shaw now views her as part of the team, demonstrated by the way she easily begins working with Root when she rescues them from Control and is reluctant to leave her with Hersh, then goes to look for her at the end of the episode.

Shaw doesn't see Root again until she returns to New York in 3x17, at which point she displays concern for Root's welfare when she checks the dressings on her injuries. This could be because it weighed on her mind that the last she saw of Root was evidence she had been tortured, only to learn she had left the country with nothing but a brief message to Finch.

I headcanon that they began sleeping together again after this episode and it cements them as being on genuinely friendly terms. This is shown by Shaw enjoying the opportunity to do a relevant number with Root (including lots of violence), showing an interest in her life and suggesting a steak joint, implying that she wants to spend more time together, in 3x20.

I would also suggest it's around this point Shaw starts to realize Root has feelings for her, as Root's flirting progresses to adoring stares (3x17, 3x20), taking opportunities to touch her (3x22) and compliments ("She knows you can handle yourself." 3x22), in a way that seems genuine, rather than just trying to annoy her.

They continue as friends-with benefits, bantering and looking out for each other, until the turning point in 3x23. Upon learning Root is going into a Decima fortress alone and there's a good chance she'll be killed, Shaw stops in her tracks and decides to help her immediately. This is the moment she realizes Root means a lot to her, possibly in a different way than she's used to caring about people, and she can't stand the thought of her being in danger.

Although Shaw doesn't acknowledge this revelation in her interactions with Root, she clearly finds it difficult to walk away from her when they have to go their separate ways as Samaritan comes online.

In season 4, they don't get to spend much time together due to keeping up their cover identities. But Shaw still pays attention to and cares about Root, as she immediately knows something is wrong in 4x05.

In 4x07 Shaw meets Tomas, and is both attracted to him and intrigued by the life he's offering. But when the time comes to choose who she wants to be with, she picks Root. I would say this is the moment Shaw realizes she loves her, because although she sees the appeal of a glamorous life of crime abroad, what she really wants is to keep what she has with Root. She then goes to find Root, cites her reason for staying as "I guess there are things I care about here." and finds an excuse for them to spend time together. This is as close as Shaw gets to declaring her feelings.

Neither of them take the leap to change anything about their relationship, but their following interactions carry an undercurrent of intensity because they know what they mean to each other. Such as Root telling Shaw that "while you may not be scared about what could happen to you the next time, other people are. People who care for you." (4x09) and Shaw shoving grenades into her bag while saying, "She's going to meet an all-seeing, all-evil god by herself. That doesn't sound fine to me. That sounds like someone who needs backup." (4x10)

In 4x11, before sacrificing herself to save the team, Shaw kisses Root. Knowing it is her last opportunity to do so, she allows herself to embrace how much this brilliant, frustrating woman means to her.

Root's perspective

Root is already a fan of Shaw before their first meeting, having read her file and been impressed by her considerable skills. But, since misanthropy has been the driving force of her life, she is likely also intrigued by the idea of a heroic sociopath. And sure enough, once they meet it's a case of intense thirst at first sight, only furthered by Shaw's declaration that she "kind of enjoy[s] this sort of thing."

During their first mission together, Root clearly enjoys messing with Shaw ("Safety first." 3x06) and is thrilled to learn that she lives up to the reputation in her file. But Root also recognizes that Shaw actually listens to everything she says and acts accordingly. After a lifetime of being dismissed as crazy or a liar, that's significant.

In 3x12, when Root learns that Shaw came to look for her, she is genuinely touched and I would pinpoint this as the moment she realizes she has feelings for Shaw. She's been alone for nearly all her life, and now this incredible woman cares about her enough to come back.

When she returns to New York, her flirting is as blatant as ever but seems softer ("I love it when you play doctor." 3x17), as if she means it with more sincerity but also has something to lose. As mentioned above, this is around the time they start sleeping together again.

Root continues crushing on Shaw, but doesn't do anything to change the status quo. Until 3x23 when Shaw comes to save her at the Decima fortress, which is the first hint that Shaw likes her back. Root fully expected to die on that mission and sounds unusually serious when she says, "Admit it, you were worried about me." But when Shaw's reply doesn't reveal anything, she continues with their usual banter.

The next development happens in 4x05 when Root, again believing she's going to die, asks Finch to give Shaw a message. While unwilling to approach the subject with Shaw directly in case it violates her boundaries, she views her feelings as significant enough that she wants Shaw to know if the worst happens.

In 4x07 when Shaw chooses to stay with Root, she is clearly thrilled. Following Shaw's confession she teasingly asks, "and is that why you came to see me?", but the answer doesn't matter. She knows how Shaw feels, her actions say everything.

As stated above, neither take the plunge to change their relationship after this. When Shaw sacrifices herself, Root is devastated and willing to do anything to find her.

After they are reunited, they have both been holding onto their love for those nine months. Root never stopped looking for Shaw or believed she would betray them, Shaw viewed Root as her safe place. So I headcanon that shortly after their meeting in the park, they have a conversation about their relationship and are officially 'together'. This is shown in 5x10 by their easy, flirtatious banter ("You want to stick around, give 'em a proper welcome?" "Thought you'd never ask.") and tender, vulnerable conversation while holding hands ("This might be the first time I feel like I belong.").

[cienie-isengardu]

Bi-Han & Kenshi

I’m curious - if people think Bi-Han is the scum for breaking centuries old tradition of Lin Kuei’s servitude to Liu Kang and Earthrealm, do they also think Kenshi is a bastard for trying to break out his clan from Yakuza? Both men were raised in clans that supposedly pledged its loyalty to someone - Lin Kuei to Liu Kang/Earthrealm, clan Taira renamed as Takahashi to the Bakuto (Yakuza) and both at some point decided their people deserves better and waged war against their superiors to free their respective clans. 

I’m pretty sure some of fans may be outraged how I could compare Liu Kang to Yakuza but the thing is, so far story mode and tie-in material didn’t show much suggesting Lin Kuei’s relationship with Fire Lord was based on genuine friendship or even mutual respect. There is nothing even remotely close to how Liu Kang addressed Sindel or interacted with Royal Family and his Champions. Bi-Han’s title of Grandmaster is never used by Liu Kang, Tomas is never acknowledged either alongside his brothers (chapter 1) nor as Kuai Liang’s second in command in regard to Shirai Ryu (last chapter). Kuai Liang is not part of the final meeting between Liu Kang and his champions even though he led a major attack on the enemy's forces when Fire Lord was busy with his own task. Literally all story mode the Lin Kuei brothers’ interaction with Liu Kang is about them doing his bidding and nothing more. Considering the implication that

A) Umgadi system was Liu Kang’s own innovation (as stated in Geras vs Tanya intro dialogue) and said system is based on taking away a little girls from their families and indoctrinating them into loyal warriors whose main goal is to uphold Royal Family’s regime over Outworld 

B) Umgadi system and Lin Kuei has a lot pallares to each other, world-building wise

I can see why Bi-Han claims Earthrealm - and by extension Liu Kang, doesn’t deserve his loyalty.

Sindel: With one act, you betrayed two realms. Sub-Zero: Neither deserved my loyalty.

Ironically, from Kenshi and Johnny Cage's talk about history of Taira clan, we can conclude that Kenshi’s forefathers actually benefited from Yakuza, as it was Yakuza that provided them protection when every other noble house wanted them dead:

Johnny: "Four hundred years ago the Taira clan were one of Japan's first families. They lost Sento after getting slaughtered at the Siege of Aomori." Kenshi: "There were survivors. They hid themselves by shedding the name Taira for Takahashi. They joined the Bakuto for its protection." Johnny: The Yakuza's predecessors... From first family to crime family."

What is more, Kenshi’s backstory is not “Yakuza threaten my family and I must act to save them” but he was part of japanese criminal organization (implied by the tattoos on his body) that had a change of heart once he fell in love: 

Scorpion: Who was it that set you on the righteous path? Kenshi: Her name was Suchin.

and who needed to reclaim family ancient sword, Sento, because without it, he did not have full support of his people:

Kenshi (story mode): "I will break us free of the Yakuza's corruption. Reclaim our name and our position. But my clan won't follow me unless I prove that I can lead. That's why I need Sento."

Ironically, at this moment, sources strongly imply Lin Kuei - with exception of Kuai Liang and Tomas - willingly support Bi-Han and the breaking up with Liu Kang/Earthrealm. And like Scorpion suggested in story mode, some members like Sektor and Cyrax would still choose Bi-Han over the him or tradition, even when knowing that Sub-Zero let his own father die. Kenshi, on other hand, needs first to win over his own clan, which may imply that a great number of his family is not willing to either leave the Yakuza or lost its protection.

And sure, we may argue about morality of characters and organizations to which they belonged (Liu Kang’s protectors of Earthrealm and Yakuza), but it won’t change the fact that narrative wise, the story arc of Bi-Han and Kenshi is structurally the same. 

They served someone (Liu Kang/Earthrealm, leaders of Yakuza) to whom their respective clans pledged their loyalty centuries ago until something made them question their life and current political and economic state of their clans. In case of Kenshi, it was Suchin, in case of Bi-Han the reason is unknown yet the growing frustration didn’t come out of nowhere. Both took the first available offer that possibly could advance their cause after the just-meet strangers proved they have means to fulfill their promises (Liu Kang’s showcase of fire power, Shang Tsung presenting Dragon Army). And once they waged the war against their former bosses, none of them is willing to return to things as they were - whatever others approve or not. And as intro dialogues imply, their actions cost people’s lives.

Liu Kang: Your actions cost lives, Bi-Han! Sub-Zero: They were in the Lin Kuei's best interests.

and

Liu Kang: Your war on the underworld is taking innocent lives. Kenshi: Am I to blame for my enemy's wanton violence?

And apparently, both made alliances with people considered as criminal, cruel and/or dangerous to Earthrealm. Like Bi-Han’s alliance with Shang Tsung, General Shao and Nitara while Kenshi, according to intro dialogues, is involved with Black Dragons:

Geras: You have been warned about the Black Dragon. Kenshi: Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

or

Kenshi: My war on the Yakuza has a new ally. Scorpion: You cannot trust the Black Dragon, Kenshi.

Through intro dialogues, BIO and story mode, we may even notice similar patterns in goals of Bi-Han and Kenshi. As in, them wishing to make their clan independent and finally out of the shadows:

KENSHI:

(story mode): "I will break us free of the Yakuza's corruption. Reclaim our name and our position. 

and

(story mode): "Not dead. Hiding. With Sento in my hands, I'll lead us out of the shadows."

or

BIO: "Once one of ancient Japan's most honored families, the Takahashis were decimated in battle. They lost everything, including the emblem of their power: the revered sword, Sento. Those who survived joined the Bakuto, a predecessor of the Yakuza, for its protection. Five centuries later, Kenshi is raised on the stories of his ancient family's exploits. Detesting his corrupt Yakuza life, he pines to free the Takahashis from the Yakuza's grasp and restore their name. But for his family to follow him, Kenshi must first fight to prove that he can lead. His first battle is to find and retrieve Sento."

Bi-Han

Mortal Kombat 1: "As the Lin Kuei's Grandmaster, Sub-Zero leads his ancient warrior clan in defense of Earthrealm from external threats. For centuries, it has been their solemn task. But Earthrealm hasn't been threatened in generations, and Sub-Zero see no point in limiting his clan to preparing for dangers that may never come. Under his leadership, the Lin Kuei will come out of the shadows and fight for its place as one of Earthrealm's great nations."

and

Sub-Zero: I've gained the Lin Kuei's freedom. Smoke: You've only earned them infamy.

Among other intro dialogues

or

Sub-Zero’s MK1 Ending: "I had broken the Lin Kuei free of Liu Kang's enslavement. We were now masters of our destiny and could take our place among Earthrealm's greatest nations [...]."

Which is why I’m curious - if people judge Bi-Han as “evil” for breaking up with what he considered an enslavement or exploitation of his family and clan, do they see Kenshi in the same light? Or is Kenshi by virtue of siding with Liu Kang the good guy and Sub-Zero is scorned because of his broken relationship with brothers more than anything else?

(Though if to support Bi-Han you need to bash Kuai Liang then please, don’t. If there is one thing that sources proved us about the Lin Kuei brothers is that both are dutiful men who put duty above the bloodties - and sadly their sense of duties isn’t compatible anymore.)