#op these tags are so fucking funny oh my god

[rabbitprincessthief]

#like imagine you break through a window cool as to save your sorta bestie only oops oh no some dude the size of a mountain wearing a bathrobe has you by the neck and is saying some wild stuff about whatever and you very reasonably pass out on account of the being strangled next thing you know you wake up on your sorta bestie’s talking (!) boat not dead which is a definite plus but also UNDER THE LITERAL ACTUAL OCEAN. OKAY. so the talking (!!) boat is like ‘go find the whatever’ so your sorta bestie takes you on a quick jaunt through this MASSIVE building like this thing is bigger than windfall island and just under the ocean?? this whole time apparently?? anyway so it’s pretty chill you go down into the basement there’s some sweet statues and then a dude in ANOTHER bathrobe appears yada yada says some stuff turns out the talking (!!!) boat was actual the ghost of some long dead rando who’s like a king ig and THEN HE FIDDLES WITH YOUR MUM’S TRIANGLE NECKLACE AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE IN SOME MUSTY DRESS WITH MORE LACE THAN SENSE AND ALSO A PRINCESS?? which. okay. take a second to process THAT mess and huh if you’re a princess and the dead boat dude is a king wouldn’t that mean- AUGH this takes place over like maybe 5 hours including the time you were Passed Out On Account Of The Strangulation AND THEN YOU GET LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT LIKE???? anyways tetra should’ve systematically smashed every stained glass window in the place. she deserved it for having the Worst Day Of Her Life

tetra is having a Day

[wormboytrav]

pov: you're on tumblr in the death note universe

💟kira-kira4652 Follow May 24, 2007

friendly reminder that if you support L you're not welcome on this blog <3 i hope you know you're gonna get what's coming for you eventually

👨‍💻touchmyevilghost-deactivated387421 Follow May 30, 2007

kira supporters continue to make no sense lmao, you do know he kills people that think like this right

🏩xxgod-of-furyxx Follow June 3, 2007

Lord Kira will judge you. Real name is Joel Derm, link to face here.

👨‍💻touchmyevilghost-deactivated387421 Follow June 4, 2007

the hypocrisy of doxxing someone to kira while keeping their own face off their blog will never not be funny to me

#tw kira

15,248 notes

🌁los-angeles-reaper Follow Apr 14, 2007

gonna be liveblogging the new wara ningyo murder doc on netflix guys, keep an eye out! i'm so excited, they got the aesthetic spot on!!! ^-^

🚍muffinstory Follow Apr 14, 2007

gross. anyway you can donate to the family of the victims here, here, and here

🌁los-angeles-reaper Follow Apr 15, 2007

okay wow, god forbid i have comfort media. if you're going to stalk the tag to spam that shit you might as well block it. i'm literally neurodivergent and a minor too imagine being a grown adult arguing with a child on the internet.

#true crime discourse #wara ningyo murders #straw doll documentary

148 notes

🎁milkpuzzle Follow July 8, 2007

why generation 1 had the best bionicles, an analysis

Read More

🎫chocolate-marsh-m Follow July 8, 2007

kys

🎁milkpuzzle Follow July 8, 2007

you can leave if you're not having fun, mello

🎫chocolate-marsh-m Follow July 8, 2007

fuck you i hope you get run over by a bus

3 notes

🎰tsukigod Follow May 2, 2007

Desk Setup Inspo

#clean aesthetic #stationary #follow for organizing tips

9,257 notes

👔wirewerewolf Follow Apr 5, 2007

oh my god i'm just trying to go to my sister's college entrance ceremony in peace and these two dudes in the front row will not shut the fuck up i hate it here

👔wirewerewolf Follow Apr 5, 2007

update: one of them is barefoot (?????)

295 notes

🎩official-l Follow Sep 26, 2007

Due to an overwhelming amount of spam, asks have been temporarily disabled. Updates to follow.

🎹 gaming-matto Follow Sep 27, 2007

visual representation of your ask box once i'm done with it

🎩official-l Follow Sep 28, 2007

What does this mean

125,638 notes

🔋littlevanishworld Follow July 8, 2007

okay but does anyone else think L and kira are the same guy

🔋littlevanishworld Follow July 9, 2007

no hear me out on this, they appeared at the same time, which is pretty convenient. and despite L supposedly being a great detective i can find no evidence of cases he's solved in the past and he obviously hasn't solved this one yet. so he's either kira or he's stupid

🎫chocolate-marsh-m Follow July 9, 2007

bad take op

#you guys just dont understand him like i do #he's smarter than youll ever be

351 notes

🧇thebazoinka-deactivated28479912 Follow Oct 24, 2008

✨KIRA SAFETY SPELL: like to charge reblog to cast✨

🎍taro-matsui-here Follow Dec 2, 2008

Claimed! 🙌

11,689 notes

[chuuyasheaven]

♤ Touch me like I'm yours, baby. ♤

Tags: Chuuya N. / afab! Reader, passionate sex, pet names (sweetheart, doll, baby, "baby" for Chuuya), praising, fingering, slight teasing, overstimulation?, slight degrading (being called "slutty/slut"), ooc! Chuuya?, handsy! Chuuya?, smudged makeup, car sex, pw/op, might contain grammar errors, rushed?, etc.

Notes: I RECENTLY STARTED JJK !! (currently on s1 ep2 ) ^_^

You got all pretty for him, just putting on some lipstick to seem cuter. Why? Because you both went out that night, just the both of you, driving around during night. All plans made by Chuuya, what really wasn't planed was you on his lap smudging some of your lipstick and staining his lips slightly. So yes, the both of you were making out in his car, which the neither of you complained about actually.

With your eyes closed, you felt his hands roaming around your waist, kinda pulling you closer. Your back slightly arched, just a little, you opened your eyes to see that Chuuya's lips now had a slight red tint now. The sight made you giggle to yourself quietly as you lowered your kisses down to his neck. "What's so funny, baby?", Chuuya asked pointing out your slient giggles. "Nothing, but red lipstick would suit you.", he just exposed his neck slightly further for better access while scoffing to himself. "Thanks, I guess,", he said before his breathing slowly got heavier, mainly because he was quite sensitive on some parts of his neck.

Now that his neck was covered in faint lipstick you lifted your head again. "What now?", you asked curiously, Chuuya let his hand wander to your thigh. His other free hand made it's way to the car's radio to let music play, which was connected to his playlist. Music started to play, Streets by Doja Cat to be exact, his fingers sneaked themselves to your inner thighs. He smirked at you, Chuuya's smirk and fingers got you feeling something only he could make you feel. "How about I make you feel good, doll?", without giving you time to answer, his fingers were suddenly resting on your lips, you knew what he wanted you to do.

Your lips parted a little, he shoved his finger in a little, until your teeth bit down gentle but firm enough for him to pull his glove off. "Good girl.", Chuuya's ungloved hand made it's way back down to your inner thighs, now his fingers pushed your panties to the side and entered your cunt. You whimpered quietly to yourself, his fingers never disappointed you. Since there was music playing in the background, he just made use of that by hitting your best spots by each beat. Oh God, this was the most dangerous combo known to mankind, two minutes into the song and he already had you see stars. By this time your chest was against his while Chuuya took his time making you feel good. "Ngh— Chuuya. .", he looked you into your eyes. "Feels good, sweetheart?", you nodded, your cheeks flushed.

Another five minutes after a different song started playing, you came around his fingers. Chuuya pulled them out and licked them clean, making you wet again. "I. . I want more, baby, p–please.", you asked rather pathetically, but you're his princess, why should he deny you? "More? Does my slutty little girl want more?", he teasingly asked. "You want me to fuck you, doll?", he repeatedly asked while unbuckling his belt, looking you in the eye while doing so. "Why don't you fuck yourself on it, hm? Make us both feel good, just like the good girl you are,", Chuuya held his dick in his hand, while he made you his suggestion he was obviously rubbing himself. ". . F–fine.", you agreed, as if you didn't do this multiple times before!

You gently grabbed his dick, Chuuya pushed your panties to the side again to make it easier for you. When you slowly sunk down on him, it took a lot of self-restraint to not moan out loud. He waited for you to adjust, that's when Chuuya noticed the song currently playing, Naughty Girl by Beyoncé. Without really noticing, he felt you moving, finally. Yes, he did let a surprise moan slip but that was it! You didn't pay attention to it anyway, all what mattered to you was to make you both feel good. Moans and whimpers left your mouth, skin clapping filling the car and the windows now slowly starting to fog up. Could it not get any better? "Keep being such a good slut for me, baby, fuck. .", Chuuya cursed to himself, his head now thrown back. "S–sensitive. . ah!", you moaned, of course you were, with the way he handled you earlier?! But anyway, to at least be a little helpful, Chuuya grabbed your hips to guide you riding.

It was getting close, both of your orgasms now nearing. "So pretty,", Chuuya said, another song which was playing in the background was recognized by him again, Do I wanna know? by Artic Monkeys, making everything better. God, he really should let music play more often. "You sound even better than the song, sweetheart. Keep making this noise for me,", the pleasure got more intense by each bounce, the sweet release not far away. Chuuya let one low grunt out, he was twitching lightly inside you which made you feel even better. Then there it was, before you knew it, your back arched and you gushed around him meanwhile he busted his load inside you.

"Oh shit, let's hope the seats don't get stained. ."

Yeah I finished this at 1am bro..

@heluvaku (don't mind this I js wanted to get a second opinion lol)

[notahorseindisguise]

Hi, you tagged my post about native Australian flora and fauna as "good luck op" or something like that and oh god. Thank you for warning me. My notes are rancid 😭

LOLLL WHATD I FUCKING SAY . fuck that's so funny yeah its DREADFUL god. i tried to make a post very similar and it got around 4k notes before i disabled reblogs..fucking yank ass website

[shima-draws]

how did u get into sanlu/lusan ???! im ever so grateful u did bc oohohhoho my god, ur sanlu content FEEDS MEEE 🤞‼️

It’s funny you ask that bc I kinda already answered that with the last ask?? LOL

TLDR basically it’s become almost habit at this point to ship my favorite characters together (if they are compatible ofc) and Sanji and Luffy ended up becoming my favorites after watching OP for a bit so. It was inevitable 😂

I actually started out as a Zolu shipper (I still am just to a lesser degree now!) so really I think it began there—when I get into something I usually scour the AO3 tags for fics so I was on the hunt for some good Zolu writing. Zosan, being the most popular ship in the fandom (according to AO3 stats with over 10k fics. Holy shit) was also often included with Zolu fics making it a poly ship, so I was like oh hell yeah? I’m totally on board with that. So I got to see a lot of really fun dynamics with the three of them, and I started to get invested in the Sanlu side of things. As this was happening I was also watching OP at the same time and Sanji was quickly rocketing up my list of faves to take one of the top spots (Luffy had already become a favorite from the get go). And my brain was just like

so I was like okay alright. Considering. And then after that I was fucking DONE for. They got me in a vice grip and rotted my brain so thoroughly that I’m utterly ruined for any other Luffy or Sanji ships now. I can even pinpoint the EXACT date it happened bc I posted about it lmao here’s my “realizing Sanlu is the ship of all time” post from early December, the day my life changed forever /j

Anyway they just have a really good dynamic and me being the idiot I was decided not to blacklist spoiler tags so I kept seeing stuff about WCI and how it was THE Sanlu arc so that probably doomed me even further. An arc focusing on my favorite characters and their very not homoromantic relationship with each other? I started binging OP nonstop just so I could speedrun to WCI and this was back when I was on like. Episode 300 something. I was soooo impatient I was desperate to get to WCI as fast as possible so I could Suffer LMAO

So um yeah the Sanlu hyperfixation has me by the throat and doesn’t plan on letting me go anytime soon. Sorry for the rant. I can’t shut up about them Ever

[ravensmadreads]

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

rating: M (just for language)

pairing: javier peña x f!reader

word count: 5619

summary: you're a human lie detector-- so you tell the handsome man at the Jim Bo’s Burger Barn at 3AM. Too bad you're too drunk to catch up to his lies.

warnings: language, references to drugs/cartels, drinking, smoking, this one is pretty tame, no use of y/n

a/n: this is my Poker Face adjacent fic and inspired by the scene where Javi so innocently flirts with that american wife in the lounge. might become a series but not quite sure yet. lemme know which direction I should take this, if I should take it anywhere at all!

AO3 Link

Navigation Link (with Masterlist - it's embarrassingly small)

You attract trouble.

You attract trouble like you put on your nicest dress, did your hair, fixed up your tits, and doused yourself in trouble-pheromones. Like you found trouble curled up on the side of the road, sad and alone like a lost dog, and you gave it a cookie and now it swings around your ankles, always moments away from knocking you on your ass. Except it’s not a dog, it’s a chimpanzee that’s finally snapped and it’s pissed–  it’s beating on the bars of its cage, it’s yowling, howling, it’s coming after you to eat off your goddamn face and–

Okay, back up a bit. 

You have a thing that gets you into trouble. No, not like a self-destructive habit or a weird twitch. It’s not drugs or alcohol or even a dumbass ex. It’s this thing you’ve always been able to do, always known, and because of your big mouth, it’s always gotten you into hot water with the wrong people.

You know when someone is lying. Don’t ask how. It’s a thing. But you know, without a shadow of a doubt, if what’s coming out of someone’s mouth is the God’s honest truth or total and utter bullshit.

You know when someone is lying and generally, folks don’t really appreciate it when you a) catch them on a lie and b) call them out on it. You and your big mouth.

Okay, that’s two things that get you into trouble, but it’s primarily the lying thing and the mouth thing is more or less a fun bonus. Used for good or evil, or whatever. 

The point – the point is – you know when someone is lying. Every single time. So, sure, the audience may say, it’s a weird quirk, kinda bizarre, may or may not be difficult to prove, but trouble? Real actual trouble? How could you possibly get into chimpanzee-face-eating trouble with just this little thing?

Well, rather easy actually. If you don’t have any particular skills, that is. If you barely finished high school, and street smarts was the only kind of smarts they were selling the day your mom smacked you on the ass and told you to find your way in the world. It was hard keeping a job too. Minimum wage living is terrible, especially when the customers lie to you, or to each other, or to their children. Even worse when management lies about why there’s no cash payout this month or why they’re late with this month’s checks. Getting by is fucking hard as shit, but when you know there’s something wrong being done and you’ve got this big fucking mouth, well, you’ve never been one to not court trouble. 

Maybe trouble is easier to find because you like to wave and flirt with it when you drive by. Give a little wink.

You work here, you work there. Nothing serious. Always temporary. And then, one day, during your shift as a maid at the Economy 99 on route 10, the elderly night guard asks if you’ve ever played poker. 

Nah, you say. Go Fish, that’s really your game. 

So he offers to teach you, along with a few of the other maids and staff waiting around for someone to blow chunks in the swimming pool because you always managed to find the really classy places. 

Okay, so you barely finished high school, you don’t have real marketable skills, you’ve got a big mouth and you’re not afraid to use it and –

– and –

You’re really fucking good at poker. 

And who here would like to venture a guess as to why?

You always know when someone is lying and what is poker if not Advance Bullshit for Adults? Fuckin’ Astronomical Physics for Liars and Dumbasses. Hell, you gotta fuckin’ PhD in Bovine Excrement and it’s time you graduated to the big leagues. Sayonara community college, hello Stanford for Assholes.

Okay, maybe that’s just regular Stanford. 

You learn to hustle too. Lose a few rounds so they don’t catch onto you and can’t accuse you of anything as you wipe their clocks clean. You change your name too, in different towns, in different back alley poker halls, because unfortunately the poker and casino community in this place is too small.

This place being all of the United States. 

You can’t exactly go online and work your literal magic– you gotta at least see or hear the person to know if they’re lying. Bluffing over pixels just isn’t the same. Isn’t sexy enough. 

So, with your big mouth and exceptional poker skills, you go hunting off the coast. It was an invite only poker tournament in Florida. You hadn’t managed to burn your ‘Marlene Green’ identify just yet and she was fucking crushing it up and down the east coast. You barely blinked at the ten grand buy-in– baby money, suckers ducks, little Tikes casino royale.

This was also the last one, you told yourself. One for all the marbles. 

Because the thing about disreputable poker halls, they tend to be filled with unpleasant, disreputable, very angry characters that, like a chimpanzee, will rip your face off and eat it if they think they’ve been cheated. 

Exit strategy. Mama always said you gotta have an exit strategy. Well, Mama said a lot of things and the actual literal exit strategy was Monterey Marina with a gorgeous trawler for sale. Older than shit, but damn that baby could purr. You were gonna take the money, offer up stone-cold cash (no questions asked), and sail off into the sunset. Or, well, sunrise because you were definitely getting the fuck out of Florida. 

But here it comes, the real kick in the goddamn teeth, the real screw in the rack. This is where your mouth and your talent– gift, power, is this a fucking superhero movie?– whatever– tended to get all mishmashed with one other thing that always– and you mean always– got you in the hot seat. Got you in Trouble, with a capital T, that rhymes with P and stands for pool hall – breathing down your neck. 

You alway had shitdumb, bad, fucking luck. 

So it’s not some lowtime, grumpy townies you piss off when you win the pot, it turns out its members of a goddamn drug cartel! And they are PISSED.

P-I-S-S-E-D

You don’t wanna ask the barrel of their guns if they’re going to kill you because you don’t actually want to be sure of their answer, so you’ve got your hands up, thinking this is definitely it– I’ve played my last hand, I’ve sunk my last boat, I’ve cursed my last fuck– when police sirens go off. It’s not a relief, but a distraction.

You’ve got a big mouth, wacky abilities, and reflexes like someone who’s been running their whole life. You smash a bottle against the back of the head of the blonde one closest to you, flip the table– chips and bullets go flying– and with the case holding the winnings still in your hands, you sprint out the back door. 

To your lovely Chevy Camaro waiting for you. 

And you drive.

“And I drive and I drive and I drive, all the way down to this lovely little diner in . . .” 

You swivel on the red seat, nearly knocking over the five little plastic bottles of Crown Royal on the counter that is making your head thick and puffy. You squint at the sign that boasts the best burgers in – “Texas, yes, thank you, Texas! Lone Star State. The most hated state, of all fifty of them, for Wile E Coyote. His nemesis. His haunting. His apocalypse now . . .” 

The man seated next to you, the same man who’s been there for an hour, quietly listening to you drunkenly ramble at the counter of Jim Bo’s Burger Barn, smirks. His mustache twitches.

“Why is it the Wile E Coyote’s least favorite state?”

Your mouth drops at him. You slouch as though indignant about his very question. “Roadrunner, duh, state bird of the Lone Star State. That and blue bonnets. I mean, the flower. Blue bonnets are the state bird and the road runner is the state flower of the Looney Star State . . . wait . . .”

He laughs, softly, his elbows under him as he leans forward on the counter, his brown jacket looking like it smells amazing. Drunker than you meant to be, you eye him from his classic cowboy boots, up his hips, and to the edges of that lovely brown jacket as it hangs around his waist. He has the prettiest eyes. 

“You were saying something about driving here?” He asks, very much aware of your shameless staring. “Do you still have that money?”

“Sure, sure,” you mutter and turn back to your chocolate milkshake that’s pretty much just chocolate soup at this point. You snatch up a remaining fry from your long gone burger and swirl it in the soup. “Got the keys and the money locked up tight. I worry more about someone fucking with my baby more than the money, you know. Lots of sentimental value in that car. ‘Is where I lost my virginity.”

At that, the man sputters on his coffee, his third of the night. Black, almost as dark as his hair. 

You sigh, frowning into your lumpy, ice-creamy soup. “So hard to get laid when you’re running for your life.” 

You swivel back to him as he’s patting his jacket dry of coffee. “Wait. You.”

“Me what?” You think his cheeks warm pink for a moment.

“What the hell are you doing out here at 3AM, listening to me babble endlessly? You don’t look shifty, but maybe you are.” 

He smirks again and tosses his napkins into the now empty coffee mug. 

“I’m Javi,” he says in a deep, soothing voice as he extends his hand across to you. You take it, with the proper amount of trepidation. “And I’m on my way to see my niece in Flagstaff.” 

You click your tongue and withdraw your hand, disappointed. “Bullshit.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“I mean, your name is definitely Javi.” You pick up your own coffee mug and see that it’s unfortunately empty. You pick out some fleck that’s fallen into it. “Well, almost – is that short for something? – but you are definitely not on your way to see your niece in Flagstaff. Does she not live in Flagstaff or . . . do you not even have a niece?” You gasp, mouth agape. He has the decency to look uneasy. His eyes narrow at you. You scoff. “That is fucked up, hombre. Starting off a conversation with a lie is not a good way to make a friend.” 

“Why do you think I’m lying?” 

You roll your eyes, the coffee cup dangling loosely in your fingers. “We’ve been over this, my dude. See the court documents. Jeez, how hard is it to order a refill at three in the morning? Paragraph B, Subsection I’m really fucking good at poker. I don’t think, I know. I have this thing, always had, and when people lie to me, I . . . wriggle. Squirm. Not exactly ‘spoiled lunch meat’ but not ‘just clocked a hottie from across the bar and I like their vibes’ either.” 

He watches as the waitress, glaring, comes over and refills your mug. You immediately dive into five packets of sugar, shredding them like a racoon with a bag of popcorn. 

“But I don’t take it too personally,” you continue, flicking the sugar packet to make sure every single crystal falls into the cup. “People lie all the time. About stupid shit too. I don’t think they even mean to do it. It just happens.”

“Does it bother you? That people lie?” 

“Eh. Once upon a time. But fuck, if you could hear the bullshit firehose that comes outta people’s mouths on the daily, you’d stop shaking it off too, if you know what I mean.” Satisfied that you’d be able to see through both time and space with your sugar high, you take a sip. Needs milk. You reach across his plate, wobbling on the edge of the seat, his chest inches from your forearm, and snag the little tin milk pitcher. Your cup becomes more milk than coffee. “People lie for the best of reasons, mostly. Or at least, best for them. Either to save hurting someone else's feelings or their own. We humans don’t like pain, generally, as a rule. But rules are meant to be broken, I suppose.”

Javi, or as close to his real name as you’re going to get, is quiet. That tends to be more of his natural state, given that he had barely said two words while you recounted the past few weeks to him whether he wanted it or not. You sip your coffee again, delighted to have found the right balance of sugar, milk, and burnt coffee, when he taps the rim of his mug with his nail. 

 “I do have a niece, but she lives in Austin. Haven’t seen her in a while, actually, but I want to.” 

“Oh, yeah?” That was all true. You bend forward, eyes trying to watch him as you sip the delicate, hovering brown line that threatens to spill over the edge of the cup. “What’s stopping you from seeing her?” 

“Work.” 

Well, that was fucking ominous. 

“Wait. Fuck. What do you do for a living?” 

Javi slides off the seat and turns those slim hips towards you and, like a fucking idiot, you just now register the bulk at his waist. 

You whimper. Of course the one nice person who wanted to spare you a second glance was from the cartel. They found you. Somehow they tracked you down to the middle of nowhere, which was exactly what you wanted when you still had your life ahead of you. But now it seemed like a terrible fucking idea because there was no one around to at least make sure Baby Girl Camaro went to a good home. 

“Ah, fuck. Fuck! That’s a gun. Fuck, you’re gonna kill me right here in this goddamn diner,” you whine and put your head on the counter, hands covering the back as if you were preparing for a tornado. 

He sighs. “I’m not going to kill you.” 

Truth. 

“Then what do you want with me?” You glare at him, bleary-eyed. “Because the whole cover as a kindly stranger with baby cow eyes is officially fucking blown, my guy.” 

“Let’s go outside and – wait, what? Baby cow eyes? What the hell does that mean?” 

“What? You’ve never watched Dr. Pole? TV veterinarian?” You unwind from your prone position and frown at him. “He takes care of those little baby cows, lookin’ up at their mama with those big, sweet, gentle, loving brown eyes. Cutest thing in the world. Almost made me wanna give up beef for a whole two minutes. But seriously, dude, there’s this hamburger joint in Miami that makes you just wanna lick the juices right off your fingers– hey!” 

He grabs you by the upper arms and, as casually as a kidnapping can go, hauls you out of the diner. The bell above the door rings joyfully as he pulls you through. 

The reality of your situation hits you like a sixteen-wheeler truck and tears spring up in your eyes as panic bites into your spine. His grip is like iron around your bicep. 

“Dude, I’m so sorry I rambled on like that but I swear I didn’t know who you were. Please, please don’t kill me – o-o-or hurt me. Please don’t take me back to the cartel. You can have the money, I swear, j-j-just take it–,”

His eyes widen and immediately lets you go. The neon sign and lights of the diner behind him blur his face in shadow. You wipe at your eyes. 

“Lady, look, if you’re gonna survive on the run from the Cali Cartel, you can’t be telling your whole life story to anyone who asks.” He’s got his hands on his hips as if disappointed with you. You pout with your bottom lip out.

“Wasn’t telling just anyone. Was telling you.” You cross your arms and sniff, suddenly rather embarrassed to be crying in front of a man so genuinely hot it makes you go a little cross-eyed. Well, it was either him or the whiskey. TBD. “Not that I’m encouraging you or anything, but if you don’t kill me, aren’t your cartel bosses gonna be pissed?” 

“I don’t work for the cartel. I work for the DEA.” 

If crying was embarrassing, you are going to be fucking traumatized if you puked all over his cowboy boots.

“Aw shit. Shitshitshitshitshit.” You press your knuckles into your eyes, groaning. You wander backwards. Your head starts to spin and so do you. “The fucking government is after me? Holy shit, this is not good.” 

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

You frown and spin back around. He looks exasperated. 

“Well, how many words does it take to read me my Miranda rights?” You tick off the words on your fingers as you speak them aloud. “You. Have. The. Right. To. Remain. Silent. Anything – is that one word or two? – You. Say–,”

“Jesus Christ–,” He claps his wide hand over yours, squishing your tally between his palms. “Are you always like this or just because you’re drunk?” 

“I’m a delight, pal, okay?” You scowl up at him. “I am a barrel full of monkeys at all times. I am a waterslide with chocolate and whipped cream, okay? I am a–,”

His hands leap to your shoulders. His touch is gentle like he knows he shouldn’t scare you but he’s considering throwing you into oncoming traffic. 

“Just . . . show me the case of money you stole,” he begs with his baby cow eyes, “alright? Let’s start there.”

Your eyes narrow at him. “If I do, what’s to keep you from knocking me out and throwing me in the trunk?” 

“I’m not going to do that.”

No tingle. You purse your lips and wiggle out from under his palms. “Say it. Say, I’m not going to knock you out and throw you in the trunk and steal all of your money.” 

“It’s not exactly your money, is it?”

“Say it!”

“Fine!” He says, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m not going to knock you out and throw you in the trunk and steal all of your money.” 

Still nothing. No tingle. Well, no tingle about him lying anyway. 

“You passed the test. Now come here.” 

Hesitantly, he nudges towards you, those thick eyebrows dipping down as if expecting you to pull a bazooka out of your bra.

“C’mere, c’mere. Good.” You clap a hand on his shoulder and lean into him. You shift your weight onto one leg and wiggle off your other boot. You get a whiff of his cologne – dark, woodsy, a little too much, as if to cover for a lack of deodorant. “Now, as you so annoyingly identified earlier, I have had a little, insy-tintsy bit to drink, and if I tried to take off my shoe by myself, I would, as the kids say, eat shit. And once you’ve fallen on your ass in front of one cop, you’ve fallen on your ass in front of them all.”

His warm hands find your waist, steadying you, just as you pop your heel out of your boot. “I’m not a cop,” he grumbles.

“And I’m not a walking lie detector.” You shake your boot and your car keys tinkle as they hit the dirt. “Ah, ha! Got ‘em.”

You shake them in front of his baby cow eyes, grinning, before spinning back to your car and popping the trunk, hopping as you went to slide your boot back on. 

“Do you work out?” You ask as he rounds the edge. Half of you is buried in the trunk, feet in the air. 

“Uh, yeah, when I can. Why?”

“What do you bench?”

“256. Why?” 

“Oh, then this should be easy for you.”

You groan, struggling with something and he dives to help you – and his knees buckle. 

“Why the hell do you have a tire for a sixteen wheeler in your trunk?”

“Same reason you’re sweating, toots. Heavy as fuck and hard to move. But now that we have . . .”

You pull out a slim silver case. You pop the handles and sigh.

You haven’t moved a single bill since that night. You haven’t even breathed on it, as if doing so would set off a series of alarms, bells, and whistles.

“So small for so much trouble,” you whisper as he crowds in next to you. “Fifty thousand dollars. Make or break a life. Well, at least, a life like mine.” 

Javi makes a face. “Should be one hundred, but those fuckers switched it out.” 

“Wait, how do you know that?” 

He sighs and slams the lid of the trunk shut. You snatch up the case before he does and hold it tight to your chest. Javi stands there for a moment, with his hand on Baby’s trunk, head down, thinking.

“Look, I want to help you . . . and I can. But you’ve gotta start being honest with me. How did you really get into that poker game?”

“What do you mean?”

He crosses his arms, frowning. “That little party trick you do. The human lie detector thing. What is it? How did you know Veracruz had that shit hand?”

“Uh, because I asked him and he said he didn’t have a shit hand, and I knew he was lying.” 

“Yeah, that. How did you know he was lying?”

“I just did.”

“Bullshit.” 

“That’s my line!” You glare up at him, very much aware of his height and very much aware how hot he is. “I’m not lying to you. I just know when people are lying. If you believe it, I’ll know.” 

Javi rolls his eyes. “That’s not a real thing people can do. Have you done forensic work before? Studied body language somewhere?” 

You scoff and step back, showing off your black fringe vest, dirty jeans, and combat boots. “Do I look like I’ve studied anything anywhere ever? Where would I even have gotten the money to go study somewhere? Oh right, the forensic fairy, just beating the shit outta people with a bag of cash.” 

He puts his hands on his hips and you match him because you can do the scary cop thing too. It’s not that hard. 

“I broke my arm when I was seven on a bike ride.” 

“True.” 

“I had a dog named Benji.” 

“Dog’s right, but not named Benji.” You grin, rubbing your hands together, then putting them on your thighs. “C’mon, gimme something you’ve never told anyone. This is exciting. Your mustache does this little twitch thing when I’m right.” 

“When I was twelve, I cheated off my friend’s math test.” 

You frown, dropping your shoulders. “That’s your big secret? Whoof, buddy, and here I thought the big scary man gunning for me was mean and lean, when he’s actually just an All-American—,”

“I need your help to arrest the men who are trying to kill you.” 

Your mouth snaps shut so fast your teeth click.

“That’s what all of this is about.” He crosses his arms and leans against Baby. “Aren’t you curious how I found you so fast? Faster than the cartel who's been on your ass for two weeks now?” 

“I’d like to think it was just kismet that we found each other,” you grumble. “Serendipity. Movie magic. Lady Luck doing me a fuckin’ solid for once.”

“That case has a tracker in it. We had a plant in that game who was supposed to win, but not before he could distribute the cash out in the pot. We’d be able to follow them back to their stashes and track their movements.” He bit his lip, disapprovingly. “And then you showed up. Cleaned their fucking clocks like it was nothing. Had their goddamn numbers from minute one and none of us could figure it out. Steve was probably relieved when you knocked him out with that bottle.”

“Oh, shit, the blonde was your partner?” You grimace. “My bad, dude, my bad. Is he, uh, okay?”

Javi nods, eyes distant, as if subtly trying to work something out in his brain. Like testing to see if you could read minds or something. “He’ll be fine. His wife Connie is thrilled to have him home for a few weeks.” 

“Ah. And that means you pulled the shit straw to go after the girl who ran off with all your government money . . .” It was finally all coming together. “Shit, should I add your wife to the list of people I’ve pissed off? I can’t imagine she’s thrilled about any of this.”

His jaw works, as if he was chewing on something, eyes dark, before he pulls a packet of cigarettes out of the pocket of his jacket. He holds one out to you.

You stay where you are, hesitant. 

“C’mon, don’t tell me you’re not a smoker.” He spins an unlit cigarette between his fingers. “I don’t bite.”

You scowl and trudge forward. You snatch the cigarette from his thick fingers and wait your turn for the lighter.

“What gave it away? I haven’t had a smoke in hours.” 

The shadow of the flame flickered in his palm as he held out the lighter close to your lips, his hand blocking the wind. His brown eyes looked black in the absence of light. 

“Chain-smoking and playing poker with idiots is a combo deal. Two vices for the price of one.”

“Ha. Ha.”

You match his lean against Baby’s trunk, the pair of you watching the occasional car or truck go by on the interstate in the distance. The paper crinkles when you suck in the smoke. God, there really is nothing like the first bite of a cigarette. 

“So, what’s the play here?” You ask, after a moment. “You have the money. Why do you need me?” 

“You won’t have to worry about kindly strangers with baby cow eyes for starters.” You scowl at him. Maybe it’s the orange light of the flame, but you swear you see a twinkle in his eyes. “But you tell me. You seem smart. What would the government want with you?”

He likes a chase, you realize. He likes to play, to tease. He likes to be in control. Something inside you knots up, threatening goosebumps on your skin, but you shake it back. Down, girl. 

You take a sip from your cigarette, thinking. 

There is nothing else around except the highway and this diner. Seemed like such a good idea at the time. Who’d ever find your ass all the way out here? You lick the bottom of your lip before pulling it between your teeth.

“I’m your only witness to the mountains of coke being produced out in the open when they brought us in. Everyone else at that table was cartel or DEA. You want me to testify. 

He nods slowly. If he was impressed, he didn’t show it.

“We didn’t know who the hell you were when you showed up and planned to arrest you before everything went tits up.” He taps the ash onto the gray dirt and you watch his fingers. “If you do this, you’re out from under the cartel. We can give you a new identity, and you can start grifting again across America. All of this’ll be a bad dream.”

He flicks the butt of his cigarette into the dark, just at the edge of the light from the neon sign. You follow suit a second later. The keys to Baby are still in your pocket. 

“And if I don’t? If I don’t do this, then what?” 

His answer is a single arched eyebrow.

You dart to the left, trying to get around him, but he’s there first, arms outstretched like he’s guarding a goal. He frowns at you. Seriously? 

You lunge again, this time to the right, and he’s again in front. 

Your brow sweating, you hook your foot onto Baby’s trunk, desperately trying to scramble over the top. You get about halfway up before those annoyingly large hands snatch you around the waist and haul you off the car.

“Would you stop it?” He plops you down between his solid chest and the car door. This close to him, air temporarily leaves your lungs. “I’m being honest when I say I’m here to help you.” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“Am I lying?” Again, that beautiful eyebrow of disapproval. 

“No, but I’ve officially decided you’re shifty.” 

He shakes his head and steps back, allowing blood flow to return to your brain. 

“Is this what you want for your life? Driving from small town to small town, picking up bullshit jobs, sleeping in shit beds, when there’s so much more you could do? You’re smart, resourceful, funny, weirdly agile . . . but you wanna spend your life hiding from the world.” 

There’s something hot and sharp in your throat.

“It’s what I’m good at,” you croak. 

His expression softens. The gravel crackles beneath his boots as he comes closer. Javi, the DEA officer, has temporarily left the building. In his place, this Javi is smoothed out, dulled, not all jagged edges and razor burns. Maybe tastes sweeter than day-old coffee and stale cigarettes. You want to tell him there’s nothing wrong with either– you happily take both– but seeing him unguarded, even for a moment, threatens to topple you over. There’s a light in his eyes when he takes in your face. Your eyes. Your nose. Your mouth. 

He looks . . . hopeful. 

One hesitant finger brushes away a stray strand of hair from your forehead.

Do not tremble. Do not tremble. Do not do it, I swear, ladies, keep it together!

“I bet you are,” he says softly. Jesus Christ, his hands are so big up close. “I bet you are good at a lot of things. You seem like the type who could genuinely surprise me. And I think you might surprise yourself one day.” 

You grimace, deeply, deeply regretful. 

“Yeah,” you mutter glumly. “I do surprise people a lot, actually. Unfortunately, you didn’t seem to be listening.”

“Wha–,”

From your other pocket in your vest, you yank out a one-time-use stun gun and stab his thigh through his jeans. Fifty-thousand volts lights up his entire body, arched, and tensed, before the grown man collapses at your feet. 

Unconscious, Javi hits the ground so hard you squeal, landing on his face and no doubt earning a nasty bruise. 

“Exit strategy, dude! Always gotta have an exit strategy. But I’m so, so sorry!” Grabbing his deadweight shoulder, you roll him onto his back and try to get him in a comfortable position. There’s dust in his mustache. .You fold his hands onto his chest like he was casually napping. 

Then because you were in fact the nicest or stupidest person on the planet, you dig your arms under his and pull him out of the parking lot. It would be a true sin if he got run over and anything happened to that beautiful face. Huffing, you drop him off by the bike rack. “I’m sorry. You are so gorgeous but I gotta get outta here and I can’t have you following me. This hurts me way more than it hurts you.”

You bend down and rifle through his jacket. You find what you’re looking for and take his phone out of his pocket. Old, probably a burner. With a shake, you crack off the battery and throw it on the ground. The crunch is loud beneath your heel. That should give you some more time. Can’t haul you back to HeadQuarters if he can’t call them.

This close to him, you can see the bags beneath his eyes. You remember he didn’t eat the entire time he sat with you in the diner. He didn’t respond to your question about a wife. Guilt clangs into your ribs. Slowly, you loosely brush your fingers through his hair. It’s soft, curls around his neck and ears. He looks like he needs sleep. 

You had been blasting across state lines, hardly eating, barely sleeping, restless and fearful. Maybe he had been too.  

“God, I am such a fucking idiot.” You grimace as you see a ripe purple bump growing on his cheek. “I am so sorry and I am so going to hell for this.”

Over the road to the highway, the dawn rises, purple and pink and heavy.

Baby purrs, when you start the engine, welcoming and warm. Where to today, Mama?

Jim Croce’s twang eases out of the radio as you adjust your mirror and see his long legs still out by the concrete. Somebody would find him soon enough.

Uptown got its hustlers

The bowery got it's bums

42nd street got big Jim Walker

He's a pool shootin' son of a gun

Yeah, he big and dumb as a man can come

But he stronger than a country hoss

You shake your head, guilt gnawing at your gut. Baby roars as you pull out onto the road and up onto the highway. Into the burning dawn.

What was it that he said? 

And when the bad folks all get together at night

You know they all call big Jim boss, just because

He called you funny. Resourceful. Full of potential. And smart. He thought you were smart.

Liar, liar. 

And they say

You don't tug on superman's cape

You don't spit into the wind

You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger

And you don't mess around with Jim

[katyspersonal]

How me reblogging some fanart goes:

*scrolls*

There is nothing special about this drawing, nothing to stand out, simply academical level perfect painting with perfect shading of just character in Environment, so I won't give it attention

*scrolls*

There is nothing special about this drawing either but the artist is clearly beginner and is currently ignored, I wish to support them!!! *reblogs*

*scrolls*

I could've forgiven drawing his arm turning into tentacles because although it isn't accurate it is still funny and should have been canon, but his hair is black and waving, not brown and straight! Ignored.

*scrolls*

Her ribbon is not like this at all, but this is a cute interaction! Fine, I will reblog..

*scrolls*

OH MY GOD RARE CHARACTER RARE CHARACTER NO ONE ELSE DRAWS HFHFJVGJ IT IS RARE CHARACTER OH MY GOD BLESS YOU OP I LOVE THAT YOU'VE NOTICED THIS RARE CHARACTER VFUYFJFJ BARK BARK WOOF WOOF 🐕 *chews the post a little before reblogging* *+10 HP*

*scrolls*

Ah, funny mem- VARGRAM ERASURE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT VARGRAM ERASURE DO NOT LAUGH RETREAT RETREAT!!!!!!!! Ugh how the HECK even lore-obsessed freaks like me are still doing this?! I don't care that you enjoy neglecting minor characters, Vargram's set is NOT a covenant set!!!!

*scrolls*

Shit, wtf? Why this person still haven't blocked me, after how negative they've been to my friend? Okay scroll carefully to not accidentally press like on Tumblr mobile.... scroll past carefully.... very slowly...... please mobile don't fuck this up...

*scrolls*

This fanart is really inaccurate visually but the concept is perfectly lore accurate! I am definitely supporting this! *reblogs*

*scrolls*

This person's uncolored doodle got 800+ notes in 3 hours when my best and most detailed works are lucky to cross 50 notes... I am worthless and should quit art, the girls clearly like my lore posts more than my ugly art... *sniffs* No wonder, I draw like a child, my faces are ugly, my anatomy is broken, shading makes no sense... *sobs* I bet fans of the characters I draw have cringe attacks when I touch them... God I remember how back in my Mico simping days other Mico simps side-eyed my fanart of him, and it was clear it is because it is ugly... It isn't even a matter of "they want to prettyfy him" because they do reblog and like "ugly" art of him, they just hate MY style in particular because I am a TERRIBLE artist.... *sobs*

*scrolls*

.....what. the. FUCK. Why THE fuck this perfect, amazing, fully colored drawing with hella effort in it barely has notes? Fuck this fandom, I hate this fandom! Nevermind, my art isn't bad, this fandom is just too stingy for support! *reblogs*

*scrolls*

Haha, nice o- VARGRAM ERASURE VARGRAM ERASURE RETREAT RETREAT

*scrolls*

Wow, these sketches are lovely, I want to reblog- *sees the caption like 'some sketches from insta'* Nah, I do not want to interact with artists who otherwise hang out on another site (which sucks and is very toxic to artists btw) and just use Tumblr as a dumping ground or portfolio. I only like people who actually USE this site.

*scrolls*

Good and quality art, but nothing special about this design. It feels like they drew fanart of the fanon! Could have added their own unique vision smh.

*scrolls*

Oh my god, finally! Finally, fanart of the ship I love so much! I've been- wait wait wait. Why Brador is wearing his beast hyde while Laurence is still alive? Brador's beast hyde is explicitly stated to be that of a Cleric Beast, and Laurence was the FIRST Cleric Beast! No yeah, beggars CAN be choosers. Ignored.

*scrolls*

Oh, good art- wait, why this character's eyes are blue? This character has grey eyes! But also this is such a rare character to draw... Fine. *reblogs but points out the eye color is wrong in the tags*

*scrolls*

Good art, but caption is hostile. No one wants to know that you hate this character under the art of this character. Ignored.

*scrolls*

Good art, reblogged.

*scrolls*

Very well done art, but her chest is not that big! In fact, she is boobless. Maybe next time.

*scrolls*

I want to reblog this fanart, but also despite doing so much work on detail and lighting, they forgot those cute accessories by each side of her big brooch! It could not be the laziness, it obviously was using other fanarts as the reference instead of actual ingame screenshots and model!

*scrolls*

Wh... what... oh my god... Oh my god this person drew the idea I suggested.... I've inspired someone? Oh God. Wait a second. Oh no. I need like a full week to articulate my emotions. Oh God I can't. I didn't just contribute something good in the fandom. Oh no *crying cat*

*scrolls*

I feel nothing for this ship, but this fandom is obnoxious when the female character without canon sexuality they've DECIDED is a lesbian is shipped with male character, so I will support this person. *reblogs*

*scrolls*

Good art, but they have this dumb DNI caption under their post. I don't even fit the criteria, I just don't want to carry the whole "panic about contact with ImPuRiTy" attitude with the drawing! When will people learn that some bad person liking their art is not the end of the world? 🤔

*scrolls*

Wow, good drawing!!! *the tags are the wall of passive aggression towards fans with "wrong" headcanons* Well now I am not reblogging it.

*scrolls*

Goddamit, Crow, I know you are desperate for at least any art of your blorbo, but why would you reblog something that is so careless? They clearly like what they could make out of character instead of actual character's appearance! You were just passionately approving of posts like "stop removing his wrinkles!" or "stop giving her huge honkers!" and now this? 🐓🐓🐓

*scrolls*

CROW YOU REBLOGGED VARGRAM ERASURE I THOUGHT YOU WERE BASED BUT YOU...... YOU ARE C R I N G E 🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓

[ashes-onthewind]

op of the ao3 post here, i am incredibly intrigued, what is the malevolent penis fanfiction if i may ask?

Oh my god- /pos

Okay so short answer: it's a very cursed fanfiction that became an inside joke in my irl friend group :D

Long, very infodump-y answer: A large chunk of my irl friend group (@eztliiiii, @retsameki, and I are the ones on tumblr, my gf and the OG malevolent stan respectively) are obsessed (hyperfixated, to tell the truth) on this one horror-ish podcast called Malevolent, made entirely by Harlan Guthrie alone (it's really fucking good, check it out-) and the main concept is that this guy, Arthur Lester, is possessed by this voice in his head who eventually names himself John, and John has control of Arthur's eyes, and they go on mystery horror solving adventures as reluctant allies, except they're 100% queer for each other. Ez says they're aroace, which yes, but also if John had a body they'd kiss. anyway i digress- so John is slowly possessing pieces of arthur in the podcast, and one day while ez was scrolling ao3 looking for very normal fanfic.... xe stumbled on... this.

and then this is the description:

So naturally we memed the hell out of it.

Anyway it's become a Thing in our friend group, we all recorded audio recordings of us reading out the tags, we have a whole discord channel dedicated to it, lots of things. We all regularly bring it out to <j> traumatise </j> ez, and it's generally really funny.

None of us have ever actually read it, to my knowledge, though I think I might have to now...

here's the link to my specific reblog of the ao3-related post mentioned, in case anyone hasn't read it

[s41nt-b3rn4rd]

@potatos-are-best THIS IS A RED VS BLUE FANFIC. I NEED TO SHARE MY DISSAPOINTMENT.

It's been a good run

But it's time to bring this to a close!

The saga is over, C, T and I are all together. T and I are in the swing of it, C approves as much as it is possible for him to approve of anything, everyone knows about the blog and is chill.

C is back at his rightful place of walking his sister down the aisle.

I'm getting everything I want, and we're all free to make each other miserable until the day we die.

I'm not going to be updating this blog anymore! Nobody else involved with the situation will be submitting any more AITA posts either, because they are either not on tumblr or agreed it would be annoying.

I will say that there is some stuff on here that I've alluded to that isn't necessarily 100% in the spirit of things, so I've included some stuff below the cut for the folks who have caught onto that. I would not suggest reading it if you like how all of this played out and want to keep it that way. I know that's incredibly vague, but I'm not sure how to phrase it without making it weird?

Thank you all for listening and talking to me over the past few days! That's where I'm leaving it!

...

...

...

...Is everyone who wants to keep believing in the disaster polycule gone? Yes? OK!

So, this was fake. I made up the whole thing. TK and C and T and everyone else are fictional characters. Did I lie? Yes. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Q: All of it? Even the og AITA post? The followup AITA post? The screenshots? A: All of it.

Q: Wh... Why did you do this...? A: Well, first this all started as a Red vs Blue fanfic for the ship Chexer (Church/Tex/Tucker)-

Q: It was a fanfic of a Halo fanfic series. A: Yep!

It started as a fanfic for Chexer. However, I was already working on a different fanfic for RVB that was totalling about 15k words at this point (+ at least 90k to go), and I knew I would never have the time or energy to write this one. I thought: yknow. this would be really funny as an aita post.

So, I submitted Tucker's perspective. I did not expect for it to get more than maybe 100 notes at most. I totally thought someone would call it out right away.

The funny part is, if I'd dedicated all this energy to a fic instead of this blog, I'd probably have about 15-20 thousand words of fic already, but whatever, can't ruin my personal day!

Q: But why make the blog then? A: Because I love to lie and be a nuisance to the general populace! <3

Also, I wanted to see how many people would figure it out/how long it would take for it to become too obvious that this was a fandom thing. I was dropping names and RvB lore since the beginning. A few people did figure it out, and I DMed them in private to let them know.

It was always my intent to wait until Carolina's perspective got posted (i am honestly still shocked i got away with "Carey/Georgia/West Virginia/Alabama/Miss Louisiana 1988"), let it simmer for about a day, then come clean. Which is what I'm doing now!

The reason I'm coming clean now instead of dragging it out is because I don't want anyone to feel stupid or like they got duped. You're not stupid! You were a part of this story! This was, as one anon said, a creative writing project. It was a collaboration! Thank you so much for helping me!

That said, I'm sorry to anyone that finds this disappointing! I had a blast doing this, but I will not be doing it again. I have gotten my fill. I have had my taste of being an influencer, and now I can go on with my life without ever feeling like I need to start a youtube channel.

Q: How did you keep up with a consistent timeline? A: I didn't, especially at first. But in my time as a liar who lies about things, I have found that usually people are willing to believe you when you say "yeah, i lied about that".

Q: Wait, what about the thing with your kid? A: Yeah, I fucked up on this one. In the other fic I was/am writing, Tucker was around 33. So, when I was saying what Junior's age was, I subtracted it from 33 and got 18. It wasn't until I was showing my partner the blog and they said "Wait, he had his kid at 13??????" that I realized I had fucked up. Oops!

Q: Was it really ALL fake? A: For the most part. I will say that I did actually drop chocolate cake all over my tits that one time and had to shower by myself like a fucking loser. That one was true. I did also get my nails done for the first time ever, which did actually affect my typing. And I am in a band (but so is Tucker, canonically)! There are a few other things as well, but I don't want to list all of them.

Q: DID you ever read homestuck? A: Nope. And I never will.

Q: So there was never a combination sex/bathtime playlist? A: Maybe! But perhaps more accurately: the combination sex/bathtime playlist was inside of you all along. You can make it. There are only three songs on there that are canon to the lore of this blog. Those are No Children by The Mountain Goats, Take It Out On Me by Thousand Foot Krutch, and one unknown song from the album Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV by Coheed and Cambria (Yep, the call was coming from inside the house, I gave Church my music taste). I had intended this to be Wake Up, but it's out of my hands now. The rest is yours to fill in.

Even the title, though I will say that the title I came up with was "Leonard "Alpha Bitch" Church's Decidedly Not Lo-Fi Beats to Get Nasty and Get Clean To: The Movie"

Q: What's your main blog, so I can follow you? A: Hi, this is aitadjcrazytimes. You're not getting that.

Q: Your AO3 handle? A: Nope, not that either.

Q: But- A: Let me live on in your memory. The only person who knows both who I am and the fact that I did this is my partner, who is not into RvB or commonly on tumblr. I am not a RvB blog. I am not a writing blog. I am a nobody on the fringes of tumblr society who's been here long enough to know how to remain in the shadows.

You will never find me. And that's the way I want it. You will see me in every blog. Every new follower. Every stranger you meet on the street. You will look into your discord kitten's eyes, and you will absently wonder if he was the one behind aitadjcrazytimes. And you will never know for certain.

And, even if you do manage to find me, against all odds:

No one will ever believe you.

I am closing my askbox. I am also closing my messages. If you have anything to say to Tucker or Me (tumblr user aitadjcrazytimes), you are welcome to do so in the replies or reblogs, but you will not be receiving an answer. I'll keep this blog up for anyone that wants to go through after the fact and do a deep dive or what have you.

Thanks to everyone who made this into the wild ride it was! Live long and get fucked or whatever! Xoxo <3

[malleleothreesome]

You may've read it already but I'm here to drop a Fellow fic that I found very funny just in case you haven't read it 🤝

https://archiveofourown.org/works/51778684

- Yes, that one Fellow anon again !

OH MY GOD FELLOW HONEST THIGH RIDING ANON IS THAT YOU

before anyone reads this please just know i had a very long work day and im absolutely delusional

No one has any context to who you are to me because I haven't posted any of your asks (cause I was saving your original one to like, reply to with my fic response that I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED) so really I've only been communicating with you telepathically (in my heart) and through tags and other peoples asks.

You may be an anon but u are like in my top 4 best friends for life

it goes @wysteriadelights, @masquerade-of-misery, @triforce-holder and then @fellow-honest-thigh-riding-anon, like I just know we would be besties. I do in fact imagine u as an ominous gray being with black ray bans sunglasses and somehow that makes me want to be your friend more.

Please accept my artistic rendition of you

When u saw my weirdly desperate pleas to you and u responded with this ask, the sheer elation I felt when I saw the sacred words "Fellow Honest thigh riding anon" in my ask box would rival that of a 1950’s housewife whose husband just returned unscathed from the war

Okay I'm gonna be honest here bestie Fellow Honest thigh riding anon LISTEN I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MENTION IT but I haven't touched the thigh riding WIP in WEEKS DAIUHSDIUASDH I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.........im kind of overwhelmed cause I got so many Fellow requests in my ask box that I am eager to fulfill on top of like yours and Stage Sex part 2. I mean, its a good sort of overwhelmed because I am very excited to write for him but now I have A LOT OF THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AT ALL TIMES. EVERYTHING WILL BE COMPLETED EVENTUALLY... 🥲

OKAY NOW TO LIKE ACTUALLY ANSWER YOUR ASK LMFAOOO

I HAD NOT READ THIS, SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THINKING OF ME AND SENDING IT OVER! LISTEN THIS FIC IS SO GOOD IM DYING????? Like this actually changed the trajectory of my life..... first of all, as a redditor of 10+ years... this format truly touched my chronically online heart. And as a writer and a CODER... to KNOW THAT I CAN POST ON AO3 IN ANY FORMAT??? Oh... I am going to wreak havoc. Y'all aren't ready for the deranged fic templates I'm about to come up with.

dasohidhASIdh THEY FUCKED IN THE GUEST BATHROOM??? please I need even MORE details, Cater was so real for that.

FELLOW IS JUST SO PERFECT FOR THIS SCENARIO UGH OP IS A GENIUS

THE LINE ABOUT GIDEL BEING A MEAN DRUNK AND DRIVING FELLOW HOME AFTERWARDS IM—

[elinaline]

Every time I see the "this is a very funny post but op must be fucking insufferable" tag thing I get a pang of terror because it really sounds like something me from years ago could have written without thinking that they were talking about PEOPLE and that I'd have forgotten afterwards and oh my god I really hope it wasn't me and if it was I'm so fucking sorry. I truly hope I never actually wrote something like that despite how familiar it sounds.

[fandom-blackhole]

Ok ok ok The Last of Us episode 1 thoughts below!

• CLIMATE CHANGE?! (Love that honestly)

• Not me sobbing at the intro (I HOPED they'd do something like the games intro so this was a perfect surprise)

• Joels shirt is inside out 😭 (ok noticed this before it was mentioned)

• Let the man have his coffee Sarah

• Gabriel as tommy?! Sounds almost identical omggg

• The neighbors 😭 (oh I understand now.....)(I like how they changed the changing/infected neighbor scene)

• Desert Storm???? 👀

• Sarah fixing the watch instead of getting him a new one 🥺

• Sarah's backpack is so cute omg

• The dog 🥲

• "Drugs. I sell hard-core drugs." Happy screams

• Joel and his shitty movies smh (hope this is ref later with ellie and joels movie nights)

• Dammit Tommy, jail, really??

• Yo wtf grandma. No joke the cordyceps out of her mouth?!?!?

• The truck scene was done so welllllllllll

• Jimmy's place!!!

• The planes (OMFG THE PLANE)

• Ooo the car crash separating them, I approve

• These bitches CREEPY (Love that they have no fine motor control)

• Joel begging 🥲🥲🥲

• That is infact a small child (😭😭😭)(🥲🥲🥲)

• DONT YOU TWENTY YEARS LATER ME YOU BITCHES (both 2014 Hannah and 2023 Hannah)

Sarah's death was sadder here and I stand by that

• The amount of time it takes to change depending on where your bit poster is 👌👌👌

• Joel doing actual work in the QZ is kinda really funny to me (sewer maintenance) (now this is more like it....wait drug dealing??)

• MUSICCCCCCCC

• HANGING?????? IN THE QZ??? BY FEDRA???

• Tess 🥰🥰🥰

• Ooo truck battery and not guns (what about your guy?- He answers to me FUCK YEAH HE DOES....WAIT oh fuck explosion! Well fuck you anyway Robert)

•  ELLIE!! (SHE HAS HER EYEBROW SCAR! And her sense if humor) (veronica?) (unchain my child please)

• Oooo message operator! (TOMMY!) (Slavers 🤔)

• Joel planning a trip already is genius (wtf you doing drinking and doing pills?!)

• The watch 🥲

• Those walls are THIN or that baby is LOUD

• Marleneeeeeee

• I love all the yellow wires, ik in the game it was an obvious way to show you where to go, but u like that its been added to the show

• Oh damn, rip unnamed firefly Marlene talked too, you're dying in the capital (kim) (ope her ear)

• Tell me to look for the light and ill break your jaw 🥰🥰🥰

• Ellie getting water on her face lmao

• The knife 🥺

• Atleast the wrapped the handcuff so it wouldn't hurt her

• Don't talk about Riley bitch, I will fight you

• I like all the water dripping, good touch

• Joel talking construction 🥰🥰🥰

• Ok but that wallpaper in the hallway with the dead Robert, I want

• Well ellie you tried, but Joel is better

• Ellie is in fact feral, love her

• Give ellie her knife dammit (yes ellie I agree that was an asshole move)

• Ope don't mention Tommy

• What are they capable of?- alot ellie, alot

• You all talk it out but please remember I am bleeding out 😭😭😭

• God I love my husband

• Ellies shoes squishing 🤢

• Bill and Frank 🥺

• Your watch us broken 🥲

• Ok but why is all the wallpaper cute in this episode?!

• Ellie figuring out the radio code shes so smart i love her

• That door (or whatever you wanna call it) was hidden perfectly omg

• Worst time to take a piss (hahahahaha honestly fuck that guy)

• Pedro's eyes 😩 (oh fuck wait hes fucking that guy upppp)

• PTSD!!!

• THE RADIOOOOOOOOO

• THE RADIO AS IT PANS OVER THE CITY AND WE HEAR INFECTED?!? so good

• The trailer!

• The city landscapes 😩😩😩

• Frank!!!!

• There's no halfway with this, we finish what we started *indistinct screeching*

If you read all this PLEASE send me Joel thoughts, I wanna talk about my husband! Also if you want me to explain any of these ASK MEEEE!! Also, Also, I'll be doing this for every episode so if wanna be tagged in these just if be down 👉👈

[homenecromancer]

not tagging this on to a reblog because i don't actually disagree with this post, this one specific clause just felt like having a wet dishcloth dropped on me

I can't tell you how many ostensibly earnest posts I've seen bemoaning how no one is horny in books anymore, how no one is fucked up in books anymore.... when horny, fucked up books are the bread and butter of BookTok, my god.

here i'll repeat and highlight the specific phrase

bread and butter of BookTok

look, i'll be the first person to tell you that i have harbored contrarian tendencies since, like, infancy, so the fact that i do not use a particular service shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

but like... bestie. i don't even watch the tiktoks my long-suffering best friend curates for me. why do you think i would know what that site thinks about books.

sure, i have seen specific books that seem to have... escaped containment from the general "whatever it is that goes on over there" on tiktok. i have completely unfounded opinions on ~the vibes~ i get about what i believe goes on over there. (summary: in internet years i am old. tiktok is For The Youths. the books i see mentioned in conjunction with tiktok, generally, seem to also be For The Youths. and sometimes also in the YA genre. fair enough)

i get 100% of my book recommendations from three websites, all of which are at least one degree of separation from tiktok. (there are clearly people on each site who do use tiktok, but like... it's Tumblr, a web forum, and a fucking journal site community, in some ways i am posting from circa 2014 here.) i prefer to not know or care what "BookTok" is up to, unless it's funny, because yeah okay i do love drama.

like as long as i'm being honest here, i am not terribly connected with the world of what new books are coming out, whether or not those books are big on tiktok. i've been too busy being depressed and reading a lot of, like. Philip K. Dick and Tim Powers

...

oh while i'm posting, the rise of tiktok as the Young People Media Site has been funny/irritating for me personally because everything about it is obnoxious to me:

you can't see how long a video is while watching it. people talk at the wrong speed for me to understand them. closed captioning either does not exist or must be provided by the OP -- in which case, it may be censored ~because of the algorithm~. i'm not getting my damn headphones just to find out that "omg the audio i canttttt" is just some meme-y sound clip. i'm not photogenic. can't watch a video at the same time i'm doing something else; catching up on things feels like an insurmountable chore. figuring out a new social media site sounds like death. people film me in public for internet clout.

when tumblr eventually dies i'll just get real into hiking or something, i can't deal with social media that leans that heavily on video

[pisswizzard]

[Image ID/ Screenshot a paragraph written in the ioS notes app on July 5, 2021 at 5:34AM that reads: you know I bet Light Yagami despised people that pissed in the urinal directly next to him so much but knew he couldn't kill them because it wasn't a crime so instead he always had a small scrap of the death note in his back pocket to touch them with so after they finish their business they zip up turn around and see ryuk's dog face just staring back at them and ryuk is just like "hey man, look," and the person is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT and light is just like huh? :) what are you talking about? of course, light and ryuk are both in on it, they made this agreement super early on and ryuk gets an apple every time he does it. anyways ryuk then says to the guy something like yeah I'm the pisslord of this bathroom I come out whenever guys just whip it out recklessly next to another man and the dude runs out of the bathroom screaming /End ID]

[Image ID/ Screenshot of a series of replies to the above post. The first is from rubbrchickn on July 20th saying: when they set up the cameras in light's house it would have been really funny if ryuk still ate apples and moved objects around and light talked to him, the house is haunted but maybe not related to the killings tho if they could pull off that deception. Just a completely separate phenomena that makes light look suspicious but not relevant to finding the serial killer.

The next reply from yorickoid on Aug 2nd reads: he's touching these men who come and stand next to him at the urinals huh...

The next reply from russersprouts on Aug 2nd reads: Everybody saying "yeah but light doesn't have a sense of humor" is right but only partially. He does this with full sincerity and doesn't get how it would be funny in the slightest.

Next is a reblog from j4gm with tags that read: #L: I've heard rumors of a strange pisslord who haunts this bathroom. #L: (takes the urinal right next to light) #Light: (dramatic internal monologue) why would he take the urinal next to mine #if he believes it will summon the pisslord #unless he has figured out that kira's supernatural abilities must be the result of a shinigami #in which case I must plot my next move very carefully #if I touch him with the death note so he can see ryuk then it might confirm his theory #and increase the suspicions on myself #but if I don't... #he will know that the pisslord is treating him differently #and that will also increase the suspicion on myself #damn it L #you hold all the cards this time #death note

Next is a reblog from iernos with tags that read: #this is it @this is the post that kills me every time I read it #i don't know how many times I've looked up 'ryuk dog face light yagami urinal crime' or some variation of this #in hopes of finding this #the phrase 'they zip up turn around and then see ryuk's dog face just staring back at them' #has got to be the funniest shit I've ever read in my life #but no yeah op's right #death note

Last is a reblog from fruityastronaut with tags reading: #oh my god #posts hall of fame #posts to show to irls #<- my mother /End ID]

had to share this note i woke up and wrote in the dead of night

[wowitscoldoutpt2]

I've just finished the fourth book of acotar, here's what I think of it. Spoilers obviously

Acotar as a series reads like a fanfic imo. feyre, which is a funny name because like most of the characters are fae, and feyre becomes fae so. It's a lil on the nose lmao. Anyway feyre is 19 at the start of this which I feel like is not nearly old enough.

She's real special, she gets a lil bit of every power of all the courts so she's like the avatar (atla not blue ppl). This irks me the wrong way because like, of course she'd be the avatar and she's married to the strongest man ever and she's super duper powerful and yadda yadda. I don't like her character arc. Like the first book sets her up as a girl who taught herself to hunt to survive and she's very strong and she's super swag, and then I feel like she just becomes like a Mary Sue. Like her figuring everything out under the mountain vs her just like, water bending and shit is such a contrast. She used to have to use her brain and now she can just "magic go" and it's over. She doesn't feel super complex once the whole mating business gets going.

Oh yeah, the mating business.

The most uncomfortable and awkward part of this whole series, the mating business. It's not quite omegaverse but good gods it's close. Everyone is now "males" and "females" which is just. Why?? I get they're not human but like "boy" and "girl" or "man" and "woman" is just. Idk, "male" and "female" is very Alpha Male Speak if u know what I mean.

So feyre is the mate of Rhysand (? these names are a nightmare) who is the aforementioned Most Powerful Man Ever, and they do sex like way more than they need to. And it's even worse because of the whole mating thing, gods I hate this whole concept so much.

The sex is not even that good, it's not very well written and for some reason the author doesn't say things like penis or vagina or pussy or dick or whatever, no no. It's, and I quote, "the length of him" and "the center of me" it's so silly. I'm violently asexual so maybe that's why I think the sex is so poorly written, but I've read better sex in fanfic I didn't read all the tags for, yk?

Anyway, moving on from the whole, mating sex thing, which is hard because feyre being Rhysand's mate is like a major plot point all of the time and I think that's silly, but anyway, the final battle was like, ok.

It was fine, it had like 8 climaxes, like what with the bone carver and his fam and the whatever was at the bottom of the library and the human ships and the other kingdoms and unleashing armen and going to the cauldron and ???? Idk it was not a very concise battle is all I'm saying.

Her sisters also become Powerful Fae which I suppose makes sense because of the whole dunking in the cauldron thing but it just feels cheap. Like they didn't earn that! At least feyre earned her avatar state, kinda, cause of under the mountain but these gals were a wrong place wrong time and now you're op situation which is just, so unsatisfying.

And the killing of the dad was odd too, cause like he was barely a character, he had like 4 lines I don't know why he had to die. I don't miss him is all I'm saying.

And then they all live happily ever after, or maybe not idk I don't have the fifth book yet.

It feels like a self insert story, like, "this is my character and she's so cool and powerful and all the boys love her and she's the only thing that can save the world"

It's a fine series, it's like a 5/10 for me. Too much sex, too much rape as a normalized thing that happens because "that's how it be idk what to tell u" and far too much like, just, yucky yucky stuff. Anything to do with mates just seems rapey to me, like the entitlement of it all, which is referenced and touched on in the book so I'm not making that up. And by the end of the fourth book feyre is 21, she can legally have a drink in the us, and she's fucking this guy who's like 500 years old which is GROSS!!!

It's Gross ok I said it.

The romance itself is sweet, I suppose, it was fine. I like Lucian as a character, I like Armen and Az and Cassian, Mor is fun too, and I like how Nesta keeps being an asshole, that's good, but at the end of the day, I suppose it's not my cup of tea.

I'll read the rest of the books when they're available to me but I'm not gonna be thinking about this story or it's characters much at all.

[alanvegacuntwars]

it is times like these where i remember how much i luv system of a down