#ooops I ranted

[ibijau]

on one hand, rain

on the other hand, sinistea event in pokemon go

oh well, wetness won't kill me

[wutheringmights]

please please please explain how the bullshit military death cult in Fourth Wing is unsustainable. I need more Iron Flame slander in my life lol

I may have chosen the wrong phrasing last night. It’s less about the sustainability of the magical dragon country’s military college, and more about how much Yarros’s tendency to use specific numbers riles me up. Very specifically, a graphic at the beginning of Iron Flame. 

(Note: I only got a little bit over 200 pages into Iron Flame before I had to return it to the library; if there is an universe rebuttal to any of this, I may not have reached it yet; I also do not have the book in front of my to double check specific numbers, but luckily Yarros’s Specific Numbers have rustled my jimmies so much that I have been spamming my group chats about them so I inevitably wrote them all down.)

The graphic in question is this:

It illustrates the structure of the titular Fourth Wing. As you can see, it is made out of 3 sections that are then divided into 3 squads. You will notice two important notes on this graphic:

Each squad contains 15-20 people

Each of the four wings that make up the dragon rider cadets in the military academy has the same layout

With this information, I should be able to more or less calculate the number of dragon riders attending the military academy. 

In theory, the fourth wing has 8 people in leadership positions, and 136 to 180 squad members. That’s a total of 144 to 188 people in the fourth wing. 

If the fourth wing is identical to the other three wings, that means that there are anywhere from 576 to 752 dragon rider cadets across three grade levels. That’s already a pretty small number, but this is an exclusive military program. It’s not an unreasonable.

Except it’s actually impossible for there to be 576 to 752 dragon rider cadets. Why do I know that? Because Yarros already gave us a Specific Number.

Let’s rewind. In Fourth Wing, it’s established that you cannot advance beyond your first year unless you bond with a dragon. If you do not bond with a dragon, you repeat the year until you either bond or die trying. There are also only a select few dragons who are willing to bond each year. 

Yarros, of course, told us specifically how many dragons were willing to bond not only for that current freshman class, but for the two years previous:

1st year: 100 dragons*

2nd year: 137 dragons

3rd year: 163 dragons

(*actually, it was 101 but two dragons, in a super special unprecedented move, bonded with the same person; I’m trying to count the cadets, not the dragons so this really does not matter)

That means that there are around 400 dragon rider cadets, which is way less than what the info graphic implied. You can argue that the missing 176 cadets are those who did not bond with any dragons, but I highly doubt they would make much of a difference. Why? Because dragon rider cadets keep dying. 

I kept track of how many people were dying in Fourth Wing. By the end of that book, there were less than 80 bonded cadets still alive. Yarros then contradicted herself in Iron Flame by stating that there were 89 cadets in the second year. This isn’t because a bunch of cadets suddenly bonded with dragons and advanced a year; that only happens in a one a year ceremony. Yarros is just bad with numbers, which shows how silly I am for going to this much trouble trying to prove her wrong.

All that’s to say that I’ll split the difference and say that 85 cadets were still alive at the end of the first year. That means that there is a 15% death rate between bonding with a dragon and getting to the end of the first year. 

That means that by the time each class ended their first year, this about how many dragon rider cadets there should be:

1st year 85 cadets

2nd year: 117 cadets

3rd year: 139 cadets

That’s 341 people across all four wings. That means each wing has about 85 people. 

But wait! People die beyond their first year. There’s an ever decreasing number of cadets each year. If we assume that 15% death rate is consistent each year, that means that by graduation day, each year has: 

1st year: 85 cadets

2nd year: 100 cadets

3rd year: 102 cadets

That’s 287 cadets across all four wings, or 71 people a wing. I need not remind you how that is far below our predicted 144 to 188 per a wing. 

And I haven’t even mentioned that not every dragon available to bond even bonds. So those starting numbers are already the best case scenario where every possible dragon selects a cadet. Our actual class numbers are probably 10 to 20 people smaller, and that’s before the numerous deaths. 

When I started Fourth Wing, I inferred that the incoming freshman class started with about 700 people. (Each of the freshman dorm floors hold 156 people; there are at least three but it makes more sense for there to be a floor for each wing. Sixty-seven freshman died on the parapets. That’s a total of 691 freshmen, which I rounded up to 700.) 

Xaden (terrible name) has a speech where he claims that 1/2 of the incoming class will die by the end of the first year, 1/3 by the second, and 1/3 by the third. He’s probably just trying to scare the newbies, but let’s take him at his word anyway. 

According to his estimation, by the time the freshman class graduation, 172 people should still be alive. That’s a 21% survival rate, according to Xaden. That is somehow less severe than what is actually happening in the books.

There's never a point in time in the story where we acknowledge that the class sizes are this small. Everyone is dying, and there always seems to be more nameless faces than not. Yet, as all evidence suggests, there's not even enough people in the entire dragon rider curriculum to fill up a movie theater.

Ultimately, the numbers don’t really matter. What matters is that this fantasy military system is wildly inefficient. I understand on a trope-level why it has to be deadly. New Adult, the gangly older sister of YA, loves a good deadly game of wits and wile. Yarros was commissioned to write a romantasy story, and by god she was going to write the most marketable one possible. But you would also assume that Rebecca “second generation army brat who loves military heroes and has been blissfully married to her for over twenty years” would have a better understanding of how the military works. 

On the most basic of levels, you win a war by having the most people still alive at the end. Everyone knows this. It’s not that hard. It’s in the best interest of the brass to keep your soldiers alive. When that best interest gets screwed over, it’s usually because of economic issues (like being able to afford the supplies needed to keep your troops alive), or prejudice (soldiers from persecuted demographics being less worthy of better food/ammo/missions, under qualified officials earning their jobs via privilege, etc.). 

That is in itself another gross simplification. My point is that there’s no good reason why you would kill your own troops before they can even reach the battlefield. That’s a waste of resources! I don’t care if the dragons demand a blood sacrifice, or whatever. A practical military leadership would find some way to reroute failed rider cadets to a different career track before they needlessly died in training. The training can be as dangerous as you want, but for world building sake, be practical about how wars work. At least acknowledge that the military’s favorite canon fodder aren’t soldiers, but foreign civilians. 

Believe it or not, but I actually don’t really care that the worldbuilding is nonsense. Can I write a needlessly long essay about how the numbers don’t add up? Sure, but who cares? It’s just bad in a normal way. I’m more than happy to let other people harp on it. 

What is interesting is the way that Yarros views the morality of the military. It’s one thing for something to be pro-military. It’s another when your book’s thesis comes down to “it’s morally wrong for the big, powerful, totally not American, country  to not provide military intervention to smaller, poorer foreign countries that are being viciously attacked by a seemingly unbeatable, dehumanized enemy.” Yarros doesn’t even try to cover it up; Xaden makes a giant, righteous speech about how they have a moral duty to protect citizens, to actually quote the book, “beyond our borders.”

As I said when I first read this: what the fuck? 

Rebecca “second generation army brat who loves military heroes and has been blissfully married to hers for over twenty years” Yarros claims she is writing a series about the dangers of censorship. See how callous we are for letting other people die, and then covering it up? Yet, she mindlessly reproduces that idealized justification we’ve been fed for decades. Yarros, it’s never about helping civilians. I know you’re a biased army wife, but you know about the oil and the military industrial complex. You know America is not the good guy. 

Moreso, the in-book movement to wage a war “beyond our borders” is labeled as a rebellion. According to this series, it’s counterculture to want military intervention overseas. Yes, Yarros is writing the world’s most marketable book. In a post Hunger Games society, there must be a little rebellion sprinkled in there. But to frame the desire to fight a war as any form of counterculture is downright insidious. 

Fourth Wing is a book that looks you in the eye and tells you that the government is lying to you-- the war beyond our borders is necessary, that if we do not send the army to fight our inhuman enemies, they will hurt not only our poorer, less fortunate allies but also our homeland. War is a morale imperative.

I haven’t finished Iron Flame yet. Perhaps this rant is premature. Maybe the series turns itself around. But as one can imagine, I don’t trust Rebecca “second generation army brat who loves military heroes and has been blissfully married to hers for over twenty years” Yarros to have thought it through all the way. Just a gut feeling. Who can say? If I am wrong, I would be more than happy to eat my words, though. I would love to be wrong. 

Me being wrong means that the most compelling reasons why Fourth Wing is bad really is the bad worldbuilding, prose, romance, characters, action, lore, smut, dialogue, editing, and everything else. There’s already a hundred big brained book reviewers who are making a video essay career off of telling you that in five hours or less. I respect the hustle. Personally, I never want to hear about this series again unless it’s about how Yarros built her blockbuster book series on conservative ideals of militarism and foreign policy, and then had the audacity to tell you that’s what it means to be a rebel. 

[yuzu-all-the-way]

With all the Blue Flame translations, my mind can't take a break when I'm actually NOT translating. Not even in my sleep.

So, naturally, I dreamt that I was TRANSLATING me randomly bumping into Yuzu on the street (that's just my wild imagination, the closest I've been to him was in 2019 when he was in Turin and I had no idea he existed... actually, wrong, I did know about his existence, it was just somewhere in the back of my mind).

P.s. please, someone explain, how did I watch Olympic Seimei & the Cup of China crash a couple of times in 2019 and never made the connection he was the same person?!? Or that I should look more into him and ACTUALLY start following fs...

[cuntstable]

thinks about jolyne and pucci parallers and dies from a ruptured organ aaaaargh

[sincerely-yours-jade]

my dream, what in the talent is that??? love this sm 😔

some more pages from my everything notebook 🦇

(with some @petite-gloom stickers)

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Please do the gang+Tim and curly with like a waitress (p.s I love your writing)

Omllll thank you so much! 😭🫶And yessssssssssssss I’d love to do that for you pookie!

The Gang + Shepard boys x F!Waitress reader (you can insert waiter/they to make it gn!)

Ponyboy Curtis

-hot damn

-you’re a fine waitress if he ever saw one

-he’s kinda shy tbh

-over time will get more comfortable flirting with you

-he overtips you with what little money he has

-he finds out when all your shifts are and when they end

-and always seems to come “by coincidence” whenever your shifts are

-he starts learning small things about you, asking about you to your co workers so much that literally everyone knows he likes you

-except for you, apparently

-“Well if it isn’t my favorite waitress, y/n.” Is what he always greets you with

-one day he finally asks you out

-you guys are so cute together

Johnny Cade

-he’s even more shy than pony

-he looks at you and is like internally going crazy

-when you ask him for his order he says it so quietly you need to ask him to repeat several times

-and he gets red in the face, and you patiently wait with your notepad and a smile

-“It’s ok sir, please, take your time.”

-he finally says his order loud enough for you to hear and you smile, writing on your sketchpad

-over a few weeks, he comes to the restaurant more

-and you eventually ask him out, writing down the question on your notepad, ripping it out and giving it to him

-Reading: Johnny, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?

-whenever you get back he has the biggest grin on his face, and is nodding yes eagerly

-what takes you by surprise is when he stands up, grabs your waist, and kisses you in front of everyone in the restaurant

-earning a few cheers and whoops

Sodapop Curtis

-he gets being in the service industry

-and he especially gets being attractive in the service industry

-which is why he tries not to immediately hit on you

-tries

-he’s definitely the type to call you “sweetheart”

-does subtle things like winking at you whenever you take his order

-he starts coming to that restaurant far more often and notices when you start coming to his gas station more often

-doing the same things to him, calling him sweetheart and winking whenever you check out

-it’s a mutual thing, a flirty joke between the two of you

-but one day, he decides to ask you out, and it becomes less than a joke

-you two start dating and are very cute together

-you both rant about customers being rude and kind of mutually understand the power dynamic in a way not many people do

Darry Curtis

-he’s out in the resturant with Sodapop and Ponyboy

-when he sees youre the waiter he instantly feels embarrassed of ponyboy and soda

-“You guys… stop actin’ like damn fools!”

-“Darry, why? You never act like this at restaurants.” Pony would ask

-“Just…. Stop. There’s someone I want to look good in front of.”

-“OoOoOOh someone has a crushhhhhhh.” Sodapop would tease

-as you walked over to the table, Darry was arguing with them

-“Can I help you?” You spoke up with a giggle

-Darry is red in the face as he orders for everyone

Dallas Winston

-bro

-you saw how this man treats waitresses

-he would give you no respect lol

-absolutely takes advantage of the power dynamic because he would be one of those assholes

-he calls you “sweetheart” “sweetie” “princess” and other more vulgar names

-he very obviously checks you out to even the point where your oblivious ass notices

-he probably shoots straws at you (like that one deleted scene)

-to tease flirt

-he always comes to the restaurant and it’s like ooop Dallas Winston’s coming I need coffeee this morning

-he comes to you outside of the restaurant one day

-the usual harassment

-and you turn to him and give him a nice hard slap

-and then lean up and give give a nice hard kiss

-he’s shocked, but before long blinks twice and then smirks, kissing you back

-he’s protective over you and any other guy who even winks at you at the restaurant will have Dally on their doorstep the next day

Two Bit Mathews

-he definitely tease flirts with you

-also calls you his favorite waitress like pony

-orders the most childish shit 💀

-like chocolate cake with chicken nuggies or something like that

-and he probably asks you out the soonest

-flirts with you, not as aggressive or vulgar as dally but still quite obvious

-“That’s the pretty lady who gives me discounts on Dino nuggets!” When talking about you to the gang

-you guys are cute and have inside jokes about Dino nuggies

Steve Randle

-he knows you from whenever you’ve come to get your car fixed before

-he’s always believed that you were pretty and given you discounts 

-and you do the same thing for him at your restaurant

-it’s a mutual kind of cute thing that you guys both do to each other

-even if he hadn’t already been giving you discounts for cars, you would’ve probably given him a restaurant discount too

-You are probably friends for the longest out of the gang

-one day he’s talking to soda pop about you, which is when soda pop realizes how down bad he is for you

-Sodapop makes him ask you out 

-you guys are really cute together and always do favors for each other 

Tim Shepard

-he got a booth at your restaurant

-he saw you and immediately thought you were cute 

- he acts kind of neutral around you, I mean, he still obviously flirts a bit and checks you out

- but not enough that you think you’re he’s going to do what he does 

-what he does is wait until your shift is done and meet you outside the restaurant

-and starts heavily, flirting, offering you a cigarette

-when you explain that you don’t smoke and start walking home, he follows you

-you turned to him in anger because you don’t like that he’s following you home and he surprisingly listens to you

-but he does show up the next day at your restaurant

-Eventually, he ask you out

-you say yes and every night after your shift, he walks home with you to make sure you get there safely

-and even comes back to your apartment with you sometimes 😏😏😏

Curly Shapard

-this little shit is just as obnoxious as Dally

-he checks you out very obviously

-also absolutely takes advantage of the power dynamic

-he annoys you put you put up with him because well

-he tips you pretty well

-he keeps coming at the same time and day and eventually he gets onto the usual customer chart

-where you can say “The regular?”

-and one day there’s a male costumer being particularly sleazy

-trying to grab you

-and Curly punches him hard “You don’t touch her again, asswipe.” And spits on him

-you chuckle and grin at him “Take it outside, Curly.”

-and he comes back in and this time, you ask him out

-he’s pretty protective once you two are dating and everyone’s astonished to how he pulled you

[fandoms-writings]

Could you please do gentle kisses with bucky? I was listening to "like real people do" by hoizer, thinking about a bucky fic and my heart melted

I love this so much and I want you to know I listened purely to Hozier while I wrote this and had to physically stop myself from making this a whole spicy one shot ooops But I hope you love it <3

Warnings: It gets a lil spicy kinda at the end but it's all fluff and love and a makeout sesh so yeah <3

It was his favorite part when he saw you - when your lips would dance with his. 

Bucky had been seeing you for only a few months, but you were like home to him. Scratch that - you were home. All of your terrible jokes. Your rants about the books you read or the musicians you listened to. When you got all dolled up just for him. When you went anywhere together and you just had to hold his hand - not that he was complaining. Your laughter. The way you treated him like a real person, not a tool or some broken man. The look you got in your eyes when you looked at him compared to everyone else. 

Everything about you was home. 

But when your lips touched his, he felt invincible. Like nothing in the world could touch him. No missions. No memories of Hydra. Nothing but you completely enveloping him in the love he never thought he deserved. 

He loved all of the different ways your lips would move in tandem with his - the urgent and needy, the quick pecks on your way out the door, the teasing ways you nip at his lips. His favorite though, was the slow and passionate. 

You would gently grip the hair at the base of his neck, tilting his head to the perfect angle for your tongue to tangle with his. The slow way you'd lightly drag your teeth across his top lip, pulling a moan from his throat. And when he'd nip your lip back, it would pull a smile out of you but you'd refuse to stop. The only way he could describe it was like a dance. A dance that only the two of you knew how to perform. 

God he loved every bit of it, it was like his own personal drug and he was addicted. 

Your lips were always so soft and warm and they always tasted a little bit like raspberries - thanks to your chapstick. No matter how long you sat and kissed him like that, he knew could never get enough. 

And don't even get him started on when he'd move his hands from your back to your thighs, pulling you on top of him and squeezing the muscle there. The little groan you always let out was music to his ears. 

You would only ever pull back when you absolutely couldn't breathe anymore and even then it was only for a moment. A split second where you slide you thumbs along the line of his jaw or across his swollen bottom lip. It was when he got to see that look in your eyes. The one that told him you were going to shower him in affection and love for the rest of the night without interruption. He would get to swim in everything that was you. 

He would think of little noises that he knew would flood the room once there was nothing between the two of you. When he got to drag his lips across every inch of your skin, worshiping you the way you deserved. When your legs would wrap around his hips to pull him closer because you just couldn't get enough of him. 

Then you'd go right back to it, giving his lips their dance partner once again. You'd go back to making him melt at your touch. Making him dizzy in the head with only thoughts of you. Bringing him to his knees for you. 

He'd let you kiss him like that for the rest of his life if he could. He would stay here, in your living room, on your couch, with you in his lap forever if the world let him. 

Come join me for a drabble weekend!

[tryandwalkonwater]

ooops i accidentally wrote a whole essay about my theory on why alex wont be coming out as long as hes in the arctic monkeys would anyone want to read my unhinged rant tho... ?

[midesastremanifiesto]

That asshole knows exactly what he’s doing going on those pathetic rants, spare me the coy, oh the radio is on? tee hee. Aside from being a complete child, he knows those comments will rile up his deranged fanbase. Always petty, always bitter, what a very small man indeed. I don’t know how people can stand him and how he’s got the masses fooled.

of course he does, is not the first time. ooops the radio is on, sorry. Grow the fuck up you are a man with dick and balls.

[isabeauwolf]

I'm curious why do some of my fellow peeps follow me?

@slayfics @staitc-rj @chainslobber @i-need-chisaki-redemption-arc

@fanofflames @x-kiwi-03 @xxchisakislittleangelxx

If I didn't tag you, please don't be mad. I'm so bad with remembering names, if we don't talk often.

Ooops, forgot to add that you are a fellow simp for Geto, or Geto x reader x Gojo XD

[sparxaf]

S6 a moment of silence

Do you hear that sound? The cicadas? The sweet shush of the pool water moving with the evening wind? That's the sound of no one, absolutely no one asking Ivy to give her fucking shitbag opinion on anything, nor ask her to lecture us on why we're in the villa. Ivy. STFU.

I never thought a character would come along that would make me like Marisol more, but here we are. Why don't they ever give us smart, analytical women who aren't complete fucking killjoys?

** Just for clarity, I'm kind of enjoying things so far. I just really dislike Ivy. **

Ooops, I put the wrong season up top. I'm so used to ranting about S5 I forgot we were in S6 for a minute 😂 I fixed it but I don't think it fixes for reblogs.

[minecraftorangesheepjpg]

i wanted to write you some kind of thoughtful answer, but then i became consumed with anger when i remembered how stupid social darwinism and eugenics are. we could mathematically prove it wouldn't work back in 1908 *grind teeth in rage*.

I hold the personal belief that Charles Darwin is a ghost haunting me

[snnynatural]

NAME lumi

PRONOUNS she/her

MOST ACTIVE MUSES sonny always on both her blogs (this and @snnydcys), second would be kate ( @greatcstarcher ), third is minah considering i am trying to keep her active with her being my very first spn oc and she deserves all da love! ( @antiqsvchotic ), my spn multi is very low ( @thel0re ).

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS i don't even know. i will tell you one thing...i should not have been rping in the beginning stages since i was 13. how does one rp on youtube at that time?? ALL THE QUESTIONS!

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT ooof.... depends on the mood. i would say with angst you will get longer replies from me cause OOOP. with fluff, i cry cause like... it is so nice to have fluffy shit and cry about it. now smut... i have to be comfy with the mun. otherwise i'm more eh.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES always depends on my mood. i prefer medium to long replies because it gives me something to work with. now when it comes to starters? i always start with one liners because i can never think of anything with my dumb dumb brain.

PET PEEVES oh boy.. prepare for a rant! god modding. don't do it, please just don't. superiority. i'm sorry, but we are all here to write our silly little muses. especially with canon characters.. yes, there will be many same characters but each one should be treated with love. no one is better than the other. allow people to write freely. don't make each other feel like you can't be on this hellsite or force them out. it genuinely stresses me out whenever i see it. ship hating. just because you are not a fan of the ship doesn't mean you're allowed to make others feel bad about it. let people ship who they want to ship and let them write their little characters. (unless it's any form of incest or stepcest then i will nope out of this conversation). spamming. i've been in a scenario where i was pressured to respond fast, being spammed every single second, and it was non stop to the point i didn't want to write. allow people to breathe and to get to you on their own time. whitewashing. as a poc, please don't do it. if you are unsure, never be afraid to ask! but don't belittle someone for reaching out to you to tell you that it is whitewashing. as long as both parties are being respectful. if someone is whitewashing, do not attack immediately. just give a little nudge and let them know. ignoring female muses. as writer of only female muses, it gets disheartening. especially when the female muse is oc and poc. love your female muses like you love your male muses. they deserve recognition. fc collecting/muse collecting. my friends have fallen victim to this and watching them feel crushed?? not okay with me. no one is a collection. everyone deserves to have fun. not having a conversation. with this hellsite, it's hard to tell certain tones. it's childish to not have a conversation. as much as it's scary, have it. you never know how freeing it could be. --- i can go on and on but we don't have all day

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE honestly? i think in a way. we both tend to spread ourselves too thin and give our all to everyone. if we're also adding canon sonny, same applies along with being treated poorly while also expecting things to be done for everyone. even when we're tired or in the worst possible mood, we still try to help in any way we can. idk other similarities, but sonny is def my comfort character and i can see some of myself in her.

TIME TO WRITE currently, it's been hard with how my mental health is going. when i write, it's usually because i'm in the mood. i do not force myself to write if i genuinely can't. so i write when i want and not when i don't want.

tagged by @kindofuneven <3

tagging youuuuuuuu

[splashofspotchka]

Hiiiii! ask game! What are your thoughts on Tech?

Hiii!!! Thank you! I love Tech, first of all.

one aspect about them i love

I like his attitude. He's really not quick to anger, He can just get frustrated by certain situations. I love that he genuinely cares for his family so much. He's so perceptive, and intuitive, but he isn't afraid to ask questions, either. Ooops that was more than one.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them

I recently read this thread, where people were talking about how strong he is. I completely agree. The man carried Echo on his back, climbing up a ladder! He doesn't fall into the "weak nerd" category like everyone thinks he does.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character

If he knew you IRL, he would be that person that constantly worries about your car. (Like, "How are all of your lights on?!?" "When was your last oil change?" Checking your tires before you leave, etc.)

one character i love seeing them interact with

Wrecker. The pair just make me giggle. Tech gets so sassy with him. It's just 100 percent sibling energy, you know?

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more

I would've liked to see more interactions with Tech and Echo. I feel like they're so similar, and I know that they would have nice, philosophical debates on long night piloting the shit. Ugh, I would give anything to see those interactions.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character

Other than the above? Sometimes, he'll come to Hunter. Just to infodump. And Hunter listens, like any good brother would. He will sometimes come to Hunter, and even though Hunter sometimes can't keep up with his rants, he'll still listen intently.

"I don't need you to really listen. I just need to tell this to someone." "Well, pull up a seat, then."

[the-tenth-arcanum]

I love that my teammate and I exchange silly goofy messages on Teams like "this took me 1 hour haha ooops" and then we're sending each other 8-minute rants on Whatsapp saying how much we want to quit

[coffee-keith]

This is long rant and super specific to me but I feel like I need to write about this somewhere.

I finally got some decent sleep last night! I tried a new med and got insomnia from it so I was only sleeping a few hours a night for a few days there with extremely high anxiety while it got out of my system. Now that I've slept I feel better but man I'm still very anxious. It's hard to tell what's from this episode and what's more valid. Maybe "valid" isn't the right word. Idk. I'm trying to figure out if I fucked up by accepting this job offer or if it's just from this episode. I 100% started job searching too early for several reasons. Context: I'm a physics graduate student, and I started applying for jobs (mainly this job) before I had started my thesis and before I was done with my analysis. I was having a hard time with the collaboration and my situation and needed to think about the possibility of getting out and doing something meaningful with my life. My sort-of-boyfriend at the time (hard to describe other than maybe a situationship?) is another grad student in the collaboration and he was incredibly motivated to get out and graduate. So I kind of got dragged along in that desire to get out but without the confidence or the drive (or lack of anxiety) to commit to long hours. There was an opportunity that arose with a group at a national lab that my friend is now staff scientist at. It's in space science and super cool and one step to the side of what I want to do and would be an amazing way to get into the field. I applied and they flew me out for an interview and it went really well and they gave me a verbal offer. This was in February. And now it's been a game of me being optimistic and giving a time estimate, then realizing I am not progressing as I should, then being like "ooops sorry I need more time" and then them being like "we'd like you as soon as you can, but whatever you need". And now that has gone on until I'm up to the point where I'm not sure if I can make it on the latest start date possible in the offer I signed. I'm trying to remind myself that I never "lied" to them. I was just excited and optimistic. But maybe still did start to early. And honestly I'm scared I'd never be able to finish the thesis even with infinite time. And some of my peers are like "yeah, I had to work for 8+ hours a day on my thesis with no weekends" and I literally can't do that. My brain won't let me. I'm feeling so very frozen. I have a very strong shame response and I'm feeling an incredible amount of shame imagining that I need to make this group restart their postdoc search. It feels personal because I was recommended by my friend and I would be failing him personally. And also the shame of failing in general. I should reach out to my support people but I'm just so frozen and scared. There's also the problem that with what I have written so far, I feel almost like I'm plagiarizing because I've been looking at the thesis of two of my peers that have already been submitted. And it's so hard for me to not be like "what they are doing is correct so I need to do something similar". I also feel like there's so many imposter syndrome hurdles I need to overcome that my peers probably didn't. (I'm the only grad student on this thesis that isn't a cis man). I want to understand everything but it feels like I'm copying and not actually understanding. I know I need to talk to my advisor and my other contacts and not make any big decisions right now. But my brain is just screaming at me that I need to get this pressure off so I am not so frozen. And the most direct way to do that (other than dropping out completely and never writing my thesis) is by getting rid of this timeline all together. This is probably the lack of sleep and anxiety, but I'm so tempted to undo the offer (before I waste even more moths of the group's time), go home for a month and be sad, and then just restart and take another year or something. Again, that would be a bad decision and I won't let myself make any bad decisions right now, but I just wish this amazing job offer didn't feel like a death sentence.