#only when it’s obvious i haven’t set it up well enough for them to figure it out and they can’t progress without it

[leftmysoulbythesideoftheroad]

so instead of trying to get everyone together to play dnd and commit to a night per month or something, i’m going to have my sister and nephew create characters and then design them a short, casual adventure. i never really intended to be dm, but i’m a writer and also i have the most time and energy to do the harder bit of the setup. it’s also nice and low-pressure with just the three of us playing, so i’m not stressed. i’m having ideas! it actually sounds really fun to create the game for them to explore and keep it balanced and fun for them. now i just have to do everything and wait for the right timing to play, which shouldn’t take long

[frvnkcastles]

WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You’re feeling insecure and Frank wants to reassure you.

Warnings: Body image issues, weight gain, feminine nicknames, fluff, language

Word count: 900

Author’s note: I haven’t posted anything in a hot minute because university is keeping me SO busy but I’ve been feeling a little down about my weight lately so I decided to write a little something about it. I gained a lot of weight after I started antipsychotics and even though they probably saved my life I really wish I had my old body. Maybe some day. Anyway, I know for a fact that Frank would be accepting of all bodies and not give a fuck about weight. <3

A frown was set heavy on your face as you stared at your reflection in the full-body mirror in your bedroom, your hands gliding down your figure as you assessed the situation. You had just gotten out of a shower and started dressing up, but you hadn’t made it past your underwear when you had caught a glimpse in the mirror and felt something dreadful and anxious weigh down on your chest.

Frank noticed quick enough — he was on the bed, propped up against the headboard with a book in his hands, but as minutes ticked by with you spinning back and forth in front of the mirror, his attention drifted from the words on the pages and over to you. He saw the downcast look on your face, the tension in your knitted eyebrows and the incessant picking at your limbs, as if they’d change eventually.

”You okay, sweetheart?” he cleared his throat, and flinching, you snapped out of your thoughts and gave him a guilty look.

”Oh, yeah”, you mumbled with heat slithering into your cheeks because of being caught. Still, as you moved back to your closet to dig around for a shirt, Frank didn’t return to his book but kept his eyes glued on you, and you could feel his gaze even with your back turned to him. It made you feel all the more insecure, and quietly, you spoke up. ”Stop staring, Frank.”

With a low chuckle, he put his book on the bedside table and inched his frame to the very edge of the bed so he was closer to you. ”I can’t look at my girlfriend?” he hummed, and with a slight scoff, you continued to look for a top, but nothing felt right.

”I dunno what you find so worth looking at”, you argued against your better judgment, knowing very well that Frank wasn’t going to ignore your self-conscious comment.

His heart broke a little, in fact. ”Hey”, he spoke gruffly, forcing you to stop rummaging through your closet, and begrudgingly, you turned around to face him. ”Where’s this comin’ from, huh? Talk to me”, he encouraged, his dark eyes full of worry, even more so when you subconsciously brought your hands in front of you to hide your body from his attention.

”You don’t have to act like you haven’t noticed”, you muttered, but he only stared at you in confusion, earning a frustrated sigh from you. ”I’ve gained a lot of weight, Frank. It’s obvious”, you gestured at your body with a sad look deep in your eyes, before folding your arms in front of yourself again to hide your stomach from him.

Frowning, Frank pulled at your arms to unravel them and allow him to take your hands in his. ”It ain’t a bad thing, sweetheart. You’re still just as beautiful as ever”, he pointed out, but he could tell you didn’t believe him.

”I already feel like you’re so out of my league, and now this…”, you added quietly, casting a look down at your conjoined hands to avoid his eyes piercing into yours.

At your words, though, he couldn’t help but chuckle in disbelief. ”Out of your league? You gotta know that ain’t true, pretty girl. You’re gorgeous, everythin’ ’bout you. And you really think I care about your weight? C’mon, sweetheart, you know me better than that”, he insisted, trying to tilt his head low so he could catch your gaze.

You didn’t seem convinced, so with a sigh, he reached for your hips and pulled you in closer. ”Hey, I mean it. I wouldn’t change a thing ’bout you. I love you. I love your body. You’re sexy as hell, darlin’. But you’re also soft and lovely in all the right ways and I—I can’t get enough of ya”, Frank rambled away, his grip on you tightening as he admired you from head to toe.

”Thank you”, you whispered before turning back to the mirror and trying to see yourself in a more positive light. Frank didn’t hesitate to stand up behind you, his figure hovering above yours as he wrapped his arms around you and rested his chin on top of your head.

”My gorgeous girl. Could look at you all day. Shit, you make me feel things I hadn’t in a long time, y’know that? You’re so much more than a number on the scale. That shit don’t matter. I love all of this”, he went on, running his hands across your belly and your thighs before settling back on your hips.

”If you didn’t have to go to work, I’d take my time and show you just how much I’preciate you”, he spoke lowly in your ear, the timber of his voice sending a shiver down your spine, and noticing, Frank broke into a grin. He kissed your temple and you finally cracked a smile of your own, making him feel successful in his mission to make you feel better.

”Thanks, Frankie. I love you”, you sighed, and nodding, Frank spun you around so he could tip your jaw up and lean down to kiss you tenderly. His lips met yours and you let your eyes fall shut as he kissed the air out of your lungs, always so dizzying and enchanting.

”I love you too, sweetheart. And when you get home tonight, I’mma make sure you know just how much.”

[apomaro-mellow]

King and Prince 27

Part 26

For as long as King Edward had reigned over this land, no one had known him to take a lover, or even show any interest in anyone. Some time ago, a council had been adamant about him officially choosing someone to rule by his side and procuring an heir. They had been shut down and in time, their posts had been given to newer members, and that old watch had died out. King Edward had seen no need for such things. His life was long lived and he still had many years yet.

There had been no need to pick someone simply for the purpose of securing a royal line. It was him and only him.

And then some prince came along and changed everything. 

-----------------------

Robin’s leg swung off the bed while waiting for Steve. With a huff, he finally walked out of the bathroom. With a groan, she stood up. 

“Finally. Let’s go.”

“Hey, perfection takes time”, Steve said as they left his room.

Robin gestured at his entire body. “And you call this perfection?”

“Rude”, Steve said, starting to mess with his hair again. “It’s not like I have much to work with in there.”

“What are you talking about? Eddie gave you a whole hair dresser’s kit and yet you’re still not satisfied? Spoiled prince indeed”, Robin teased, no heed given to whom might overhear.

“Yes, well, brushes and oils can only do so much when I can’t even set them up properly”, Steve said, giving up on getting his hair just right. “What I truly require is a vanity.”

“Oh, but of course”, Robin rolled her eyes. It was so laughable to her that he could lament over such a thing when it was obvious how smitten Eddie was with him already. It was such a laugh that she shared it with Eddie one evening after going over resource allocations for the arts.

“A vanity. You’d think it was life’s greatest treasure the way he talked about it”, she snorted over a glass of chilled wine. 

“A vanity…”, Eddie trailed off, easily falling into a vision of Steve sitting before one, his beauty aids all arranged just so, taking his time to make himself even more radiant than he already was. He thought about the room Steve was in right now, stuck on one end of the castle, far from the other rooms and barren except for the necessities. 

It certainly wasn’t a place for someone being pursued by the king.

“I’ve lost you, haven’t I?”, Robin said.

“You should know you’ll have my full attention whenever the little prince is concerned. Now tell me more about his vanity-less woes.”

Courtships could go any sort of way. It all depended on the pursuant and their target. But anyone who meant to truly woo their intended listened to both them and those around them to figure out what the most impactful gifts would be. Steve knew that Eddie was this sort after the last gift. He had never said directly what he wanted and yet it appeared.

So he had a feeling a vanity was in his near future. Or at the very least a very good mirror. Something akin to that.

When Eddie approached during one of Lucas’ lesson, Steve didn’t care how spoiled he might appear, stopping in the middle and running right over to him.

“Am I right to assume you have something for me?”, he asked twirling his sword before sheathing it.

“Perhaps, sweetling. But it is one I have to show before I give it to you”, Eddie said.

And didn’t that intrigue Steve. “You have to show it first?”

Eddie nodded, then looked to Lucas. “Do you mind if I steal your instructor away?”

“Go for it”, Lucas permitted.

“You still have ten minutes left”, Steve said. “That’s just enough time for three laps around the training ring and some squats.”

With that, he left his sword belt on a table and walked arm in arm with Eddie. Steve didn’t know why this alone felt so intimate. Eddie had literally caught him in more revealing states. And yet this was different, this touch was different. He wanted to put his head against Eddie’s shoulder and let him lead wherever he wanted.

“I can’t believe you’re taking me somewhere without a chaperone.”

“Now what sort of trouble could we get into in a hallway?”, Eddie asked.

“In my experience, plenty”, Steve lowered his voice to tease and was both surprised and delighted at the redness that bloomed on Eddie’s cheeks. “Wait, have you never-”

“And here we are!”, Eddie shouted when they reached a door. 

A nice door, but a door all the same. Steve wondered what could be behind it and how it related to whatever Eddie was giving him. But then Eddie opened the door and it was a bedroom. A guest room that looked unused with how everything was perfectly in place. As if it had all been arranged in preparation for a new resident. It was a stark cry from the room he was in right now. 

That room was livable, but small. This room had enough space for a lavish bed, a writing desk, a floor to ceiling window that opened up to a small balcony. Across the bed was a door that led to a bathroom, surely nicer than the one he currently had, but that was when Steve saw it. He walked in to get a closer look.

A vanity, clear, ready to be covered in all he might need. He sat down in the chair before it, taking in his reflection in the smooth glass. Not a mirror covered in hard streaks and old dust that made it nearly impossible to make out much of anything. It reminded him of the one he had back home. How he’d sit in front of one, anticipating a night of dancing in the ballroom or a secret tryst with whatever lover he had at the time.

Eddie came up from behind and smiled. “Do you like it?”

“Is it really mine?”, Steve asked, looking up at him.

“All yours. And that is not the only perk it comes with.”

“Oh?”

Eddie cleared his throat and took a step back. “It just so happens that this prime real estate is just down the hall from my own rooms.”

“How generous of you”, Steve said, coming to stand up and move closer to Eddie. They were truly alone now, not in the hallway anymore. And he couldn’t miss the insinuation that came from knowing the king would be sleeping just a few doors down. “It has occurred to me that I have yet to give you a gift of my own.”

His eyes flicked to Eddie’s lips as he moved impossibly closer, their bodies chest to chest. His lips were just an inch away-

“Ew! Gross!”, Mike screeched when he came into the room.

Eddie jumped back, nearly tripping over his own feet but managing to catch himself. “Blazes Wheeler! Did no one ever teach you to knock!?”

“The door was open!”, Mike shot back. “I just came to tell you guys lunch was ready. Goddamn!” Mike left before his eyes could be defiled any more than they already were.

Eddie called out before he got too far. “Tell the kitchens to prepare a picnic for me!” Then he turned back to Steve. “If you would be so kind to accompany me.” He offered his arm, feeling warm when Steve linked up with him.

“I would love to.”

Part 28

a bit more sweetness before the bitter returns

Taglist CLOSED

@thesuninyaface @only-evanescent  @snakeorsquid  @ignoremyworld  @theclichefortunecookie 

@goodolefashionedloverboi  @just-a-tiny-void  @0body0disphoria0  @cinnamon-mushroomabomination  @samsoble 

@jamieweasley13  @y4r3luv  @xtkxkrzrizir  @un-knownperson  @greekgeek24 

@justdrugsformethanks  @potato-of-the-lord  @notaqueenakhaleesi  @swimmingbirdrunningrock  @queenie-ofthe-void 

@nebulainajar  @lil-gremlin-things  @nicememerino  @robininblue  @hornedqueenofhell 

@anne-bennett-cosplayer  @moomkin77  @here4thetrama  @bookworm0690  @autumncrocusandladybug

@lil-gremlin-things @littlebluejane @puppy-steve

[pinazee]

First season wrap up:

Okay, to start, i should mention my general opinion on first seasons for shows, especially cable shows, is not to read too much of it as canon. The writers, producers, actors- everyone- are all trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t, so i give them latitude, particularly when it conflicts with later seasons. That being said, i do enjoy jumping through the hoops to make it all fit haha

So heres a few leftover notes i had as i revisited the eps to rank them:

I bet part of Lassie was craving the father figure in Henry, since we find out later his own father passed away when he was quite young. I wonder if thats part of the reason why he became a cop, as they are portrayed as the protectors and in the 80’s they were mainly men (i don’t really remember if he states his reason later, i suspect he did and im just not remembering). So when Henry didn’t meet up to the expectation he had in his mind, i bet it hurt a little more as it reminded him of what he lost :/

I think the other reason Shawn plays dumb so much, besides hiding his genius so ppl believe hes psychic, or for laughs, is because its how he gets people talking. Like in Shawn vs. the red phantom, he purposely guessed the wrong room number so the boys would correct him. My apologies if someones pointed this out before, i haven’t combed through the internet for everyone’s theories 😬 i only now noticed. I’m not the quickest at picking these things up lol

If i had to guess, Shawn didn’t want to be a cop for halloween, he probably wanted to be something star wars related to go with Gus’s Lando. So i wonder at what age Shawn stopped trying to please his dad. But also, why didn’t his mother ever stand up for him?? I’ll come back to her later -_-

I somehow missed it the first time, but shawn clearly asked Gus to come to the dinner and Gus even points out that it was a big deal for henry to reach out. Soo, yeah, shawn obviously didn’t wanna be alone with his dad, and even henry seemed nervous about it as hes pretty drunk.

Shawn has a right to be afraid of pointy things, his dad hid his easter eggs under glass when he was 6! Not to mention he later gets stabbed 3 times! (Also its just a legitimate fear???)

So far the list of Shawns knowledge (things i wouldn’t expect an average person to know) includes (beyond the obvious observational skills, deductive reasoning, reading people (poker), and all things police (marksmanship, police codes, etc.)):

Incredible spatial and physical reasoning skills (knowing how much money could fit in the duffle bag, knowing to rotate the water pitcher to catch the reflection from the tv)

Kurt Vonnegut (well, I didn’t know who he was at least)

How to spell aggiornamento (and probably all words because of his photographic memory)

Handwriting expert

Casually spoke and understood german

Has every road he’s driven mapped in his brain, and likely all of Santa Barbara

Familiar with paint (enough to know to mix latex enamel for no messy drips)

Animal tracks (i went back and forth on this but ultimately decided he must have known what to look for)

And heres a list of Gus’s niche interests:

Forensics

Spelling bee

Safe cracking

Historic rifles

Comic books

Astronomy (even though he was going to the planetarium for the girl)

Law

Local tennis

Online poker

Lastly, Ive decided instead of ranking them, im putting them in tiers. I feel like too many of them are hitting at the same level and I can’t differentiate:

Sweetest, Juiciest Golden Pineapple Tier

Scary Sherry, Biancas toast (ohmygod i just got the biancas toast 🤦🏽‍♀️)

Blue Psych Logo Tier

Weekend warriors

Forget me not

From the earth to starbucks

Poker? I hardly know her! (Sorry @pineapple-psychic!)

Pepto Bismo Pink Tier

Spelling bee

Pilot

She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me oops hes dead

Who ya gonna call?

Shawn vs the red phantom

Oops Canadian Flag Tier

Cloudy with a chance of murder

9 lives

Game set muuurder

Speak now or forever hold your piece

Woman seeking dead husband, smokers okay, no pets

[anonzentimes]

Hi there! I stumbled across your blog randomly, and I’m so glad I did. I’ve gotten into DR recently and I’ve been hooked on Nagito’s character for many of the reasons you are! I’ve already read a few of your analyses and I love them, it’s amazing getting more insight into one of my favorite DR characters from someone who really understands him!

I’m not sure if you’ve already done this, but if it’s not too much trouble, do you think you can do an analysis on just how fucking smart Nagito is? I think he’s one of the most intelligent and observant characters in DR2. I’m rewatching DR2 and bro lk carries the trials with his hints, a lot of times it seems he figured out the culprit before anyone else. That’s not even mentioning the entirety of Chapter 5!

Sorry if this is a weird ask, it’s an aspect of Nagito’s character that I personally don’t really see talked about too much (then again I haven’t been in the fandom for that long lol) I’d love to hear your thoughts! Thanks again for all your lovely analyses!

I’d just like to start this out by saying sorry it’s taken me a while to answer this, I like to articulate big stuff like this when I’m able to and less tired (at my best) so apologies for the wait!

Thank you so much! I’m really happy you enjoy my rambles, especially as someone who just got into the series! I’m honored to be told I understand him by so many people since he means so much to me. Your request actually hasn’t been asked before so don’t worry! I’ll try my best to express that Nagito is Really Smart, and god Is he Really smart.

I don’t know why he ended up so intelligent, but I like to believe that from thinking so much and forming his beliefs it caused him to be pretty smart. That paired with the obvious life experiences that his luck gives him, and just being born with that type of mind results in him being pretty smart. Honestly I want to say I think Nagito is a very emotionally strong character for going so much trauma and still at the end of the day being able to form a coping mechanism and live on, or if you want to put it into other words to be able hold onto hope despite everything. But of course, too much of anything is a bad thing and over time it becomes obsessive and unhealthy as we can see. He’s also extremely tragic in that sense as well. But anyways, that’s all just to say I think Nagito’s insane life experience helped him become smarter. He also seems to read as a hobby, given how there are an immense amount of books in his cottage. If I recall he also spends a lot of his time at the library on the island usually, but the books in his room are already enough to support the fact he reads anyways. This is to say I’m sure his intelligence is also helped by how he reads lots of books.

So far this has all been my thoughts on how Nagito became to be such a smart person, but now I want to talk about some of the things he actually does with it. For starters, I feel like there’s something to be said about how he through living his unfortunate life understands he has luck and uses it to his advantage. He views himself in a very negative way that isn’t entirely setting himself to the standard of the talentless, not that he’d ever be outright aggressive to the talentless, or with the talented to him he’s in this worthless middle ground. He’s low enough where he would criticize the talentless for being too bold or not being a stepping stone given the hierarchy be believes in, but he also isn’t entirely equivalent given he does have a talent. He just believes his talent is awful because it has given him so much trauma and more so killed everyone he’s ever loved, but even so he uses it to his advantage and uses it as “the one thing he’s capable at,” although he would never use it for selfish reasons given how selfless he is. This is all to say that he’s incredibly smart for not only recognizing this, but coming up with plans and ways to achieve his goals by using his own luck. It’s his thing, be believes it’s awful and by extension he is worthless himself, but it’s the thing he has and he uses it, trusts it, and relies on it whole heartedly. He’s able to achieve his goals by abusing his luck, and the plans he comes up with to use his luck to get an outcome he wants showcases just how Intelligent he really is constantly. In Danganronpa 3 when he wants to postpone the test because he wants everyone to be at their best, he comes up with an entire plan for multiple options if some of them fail to get what he wants to achieve. He knows due to his luck that he will get what he wants by following through with any of these plans, and thinks of possible ways he can get what he wants. In Chapter 1 of Danganronpa 2 he relies on his luck, figures out what to do, and plans everything out using his intelligence. His good luck directly impacts him while his bad luck usually impacts everybody else unless it has nobody to go after, so in that case his plan technically doesn’t work like how he hoped but he still got what he wanted in the end. Nagito is able to also entirely clear the final dead room easily with his intelligence, and again relies on his luck because he’s smart enough to understand how his own luck works to use it. The biggest display of intelligence probably is the entire suicide he plans out, I don’t think I even have to say much on it for the point to be conveyed that he’s INCREDIBLY smart for being able to come up with something so elaborate. Just like the things i’ve mentioned here, he trusts his luck in the process. But the way that his plan doesn’t work, the way that it fails unexpectedly is that Hajime despite being so conflicted is able to finally not put it aside and use his understanding of Nagito to put himself in his shoes, see the world how he thinks, and solve the case. He has to trust in Nagito’s luck like Nagito does, something that he couldn’t have accounted for, to solve the case. That’s one of the major reasons Chapter 5 is so amazing, we have to trust his luck just like he does to get to the bottom of things. Even so, all of these things are a testament to just how smart he really is. This isn’t even mentioning how he’s smart enough to know things about the case, help out, but not fully solve it for them because his goals center around seeing the ultimates shine and be more capable than he can be, at least he believes he can’t be as capable but his beliefs are what actually hold him back. He is incredibly smart and this is shown time and time again, he is a wonderful character and his intelligence is only one aspect that contributes to how amazing and interesting he is.

He’s incredibly observant as well. He’s more observant than he is able to fully grasp social cues, or more so due to his absolute beliefs it prevents him from fully grasping other people’s perspective and his trauma making him more numb results in difficulty coming off as he intends to mostly when he’s at his worst or coping. For this reason he is usually the outcast but doesn’t understand the true reason he is hated and just thinks it’s because of the factual hierarchy, his absolute beliefs, he doesn’t usually comprehend things that center around them not being believed or being factual and is conflicted or frustrated when things put them into question or go against it. I try to explain this and bring it up because he relies on observation of people’s reactions more than anything. He is extremely observant in general and he uses his observations especially in social situations to help himself. Even when he doesn’t understand the reason why or feels it is an out of place reaction because he doesn’t fully understand the other’s perspective, he can absolutely observe other people fully. This is mostly just an add on to everything else in my massive statement to express how smart he is, but I just want to mention how observant he is. It helps him with solving cases and social situations extremely often. It also is shown how absolute his beliefs are by how his observations sometimes confuse him or cause him to feel as if the hierarchy is proven right because he cannot see it as anything but fact because he is so far gone. Most people believe in the hierarchy subconsciously but he believes in it as fact and is more expressive and honest in general as a person. Anyway, again, just main point here is he’s incredibly observant.

Hopefully this is a good short summary or way to express how intelligent he is, if there’s anything more you’d like me to cover about his intelligence that you think I missed or didn’t summarize well enough let me know! Sorry again that this has taken a while. Side note: I’m just posting this without revising it much, so I may edit it later or remove typos but for the most part if there’s any weird wordings or typos sorry about that, haha! I don’t have the time to revise it at the moment.

Thank you for your ask!!! <3

[sylviesoothsayer22]

Well Matched - Chapter 2

Hyacinthus orientalis

Summary: Wei Wuxian spent the past year and a half terrorizing the cultivation world. Slowly cracking at the foundations until most of the clans were forced to give up chasing him. Only one person was mad enough to confront the newborn Calamity. Uncaring that Wei Wuxian simply wants to move on with his afterlife and pursue his new purpose in peace.

Link to Chapter One if you haven't read it yet: https://www.tumblr.com/sylviesoothsayer22/767249587576651776/well-matched-chapter-1?source=share

Author's Note: First off, I'd like to preface this chapter by stating that I have absolutely nothing against Jiang Cheng. I actually find him to be one of MXTX's most complex characters and his tragic story was excellently written. I re-read MDZS for this fic and took note of how JC constantly dogs WWX's steps like a man-possessed (after THIRTEEEN YEARS of processing), just so he can make WWX pay for his crimes. In this verse, it's only been around two years since WWX's death. So, it wouldn't make sense for JC to NOT try and confront WWX. Calamity or not. I haven't written a lot of angst in the past and my opinions on both JC and WWX's actions might have bled into this chapter. That being said, if you have a problem with the chapter or how it was written, please let me know in the comments so that I can improve in the future.

Jiang Cheng made another attempt to circulate his spiritual energy through his meridians.

He couldn’t feel the energy flow.

Why?! His meridians weren’t damaged in any way and he knew the bastard didn’t drain him. 

He gritted his teeth and, once more, thrashed against the bindings that secured him to a tree. Uncaring of the thorns digging into his already torn skin.

The sound of a twig snap echoed through the forest clearing. He opened his eyes and glared at the source.

Above him were unconscious Jiang disciples and hunting dogs hanging from the branches of the tree he was tied to. Green tinted mist swirled around the clearing and the figure at the centre of it all was looking back at him with an empty grin. 

“You….” Jiang Cheng breathed out, enraged. 

“Me.” His former martial brother responded. 

He carelessly dropped the immortal binding nets he was holding and set them on fire with a flick of his finger. 

Jiang Cheng gnashed his teeth at the ghost’s casual attitude. 

“Did you think that I was gonna fall for such an obvious trap?” Wei Wuxian tutted. “Haven’t all the other clans given up by now?”

It was true. Any cultivator who came close to the newborn ghost would be met with misfortune. Sometimes he drained their cores and broke their meridians to the point that they’ll never be able to cultivate again. Other times he would simply curse their spiritual weapon or had them outright destroyed. The most gruesome was when the ghost sent hired rogue cultivators back to their clients maimed, disfigured beyond recognition or in pieces.  

It didn’t stop at direct attacks either. Whenever the Calamity got particularly irritated, dizi music would start echoing near sect territories, followed by their properties mysteriously catching fire and an uptick in monster activity within the forests surrounding Golden Carp Tower, Impure Realm, Lotus Pier, and Cloud Recesses.

The minor sects had become reluctant to pursue the matter further, regardless of their superiors’ wishes. It was theorized that Wei Wuxian had also been in contact with many low-ranked cultivators, as talented disciples withdrew from their clans without explanation and there was a great decline in new recruits. No one with an ounce of self-preservation wanted to take up cultivation if it meant that they would come face-to-face with the Yiling Lazou at some point. The ghost had become an even bigger legend than before and people have bestowed him the title “Black Flute Summons Disasters". 

Jin Guangshan, through the urging of Jin Guangyao, withdrew his clan from the manhunt. Their argument? All the sects’ resources were stretched too thin and it’s best that they cut their losses. Also, they reasoned, the Yiling Lazou seems to only act out when provoked. It was next to impossible to track him down and he doesn’t seem to cause harm other than in self-defense. How long will he tolerate their actions before he snaps and goes on another rampage? It had almost been a thousand years since the cultivation world had to worry about a Calamity. This was beyond them. Leave it for the gods to decide. 

No one was brave enough to state the fact that the Jin clan was the one bearing the brunt of Wei Wuxian’s attacks. 

Lan Xichen supported Jin Guangyao’s actions by having the Lan clan withdraw as well, which forced the Nies to follow. Much to Lan Wangjie’s alleged protests and Nie Mingjue’s clear dissatisfaction over having a powerful spirit running amok. The Jiangs were the only clan that refused to drop the matter. 

They chased rumour after rumour. Anything that could give them a clue on the Yiling Lazuo’s whereabouts. Most were farfetched and few were credible. They eventually heard from a reliable source that Wei Wuxian had been prowling up and down a nameless mountain in the far south for nearly a week now. Longer than he would typically stay in one place. Jiang Cheng and his disciples went there and set up traps for the elusive ghost. 

Which is what led to the sect leader’s current predicament. 

“Wei Wuxian!”

“Hmm? Oh, don’t bother reaching for Zidian. The mist is blocking the flow in your meridians. Not to worry. The effects are temporary.” He gracelessly plops himself on a nearby boulder and drops his smile.

“Let’s talk. What do you want from me, Jiang Wanyin?”

Somehow, the way the question was phrased infuriated the sect leader. As if Wei Wuxian was the one who had been wronged! He barked out a harsh laugh and replied:

“I want back the lives you’ve stolen and to end Jin Ling’s torment, but you can’t give me that. I’ll just have to settle for you kneeling at my parents’ altar in penitence before ending you myself!” Wei Wuxian let out a snort at that.

“A ghost asking the dead for forgiveness? That’s a good one.”

Jiang Cheng felt his rage reach a boiling point.

All traces of cruel humour left Wei Wuxian’s face.

“What’s it going to take for you to leave me be? Haven’t I already repented with my death?” He asked, expressionlessly.

“Not even close. I lost everything because of you. One death hardly accounts for all the sins you’ve committed.” Jiang Cheng growled.

Not everything. Wei Ying thought. You still have her boy and yet here you are. Stuck in the past.

“Then what would you have me do? You’ve already denounced me from the Jiang Clan, you led the siege that resulted in my demise, you stabbed me and helped in the slaughter of the people I swore to protect. Is that not enough for you?” He pressed.

Just forget about me, Jiang Cheng. Please….

“You have the nerve to play the victim now?!”

Wei Wuxian felt his own frustrations rise to the surface. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

“The only one playing the victim here is you.” He retorted. “I’m well aware that the real victims are the ones who were forced to bear the consequences of my actions.”

“So, now you choose to acknowledge Jin Ling?”

“I wasn’t talking about Jin Ling. I was talking about the Wens under my protection.” He opened his eyes again, coldly staring at Jiang Chang.

“Remember Wen Qing? The one you owed a life debt to? You could have at least requested the other clans to grant her a more humane execution. And as for the others…. I know I warranted my own death after Nightless City. But why did the Wen Remnants have to die?” He hissed out the last question. Infuriated all over again at the mere thought.

Jiang Cheng could not believe Wei Wuxian’s sheer gall.

“Even in death…. you still have the nerve to defend those dogs?” He breathed out disbelievingly. Wei Wuxian felt himself snap.

Of course, his hatred of the Wens still hasn’t abated! What was I even thinking?!

“Dogs?” Wei Wuxian sneered. “Is it fair of you to call people who had no part in that fucking war, dogs? Is it fair of you to look at the suffering of the elderly, women and children and simply say they deserved it? To this day, the sects keep posturing about how righteous and just they are, but in the end, you’re all just a bunch of hypocrites who didn’t even blink at the death of a child!”

That startled Jiang Cheng.

“A child…?”

“I’m talking about A-Yuan!” Wei Wuxian seethed. He pushed back the images of when he first found the boy’s corpse after the Siege and continued. “Remember him? Oh, right. I forgot. In your eyes, anyone named Wen is less than dirt. My mistake.” He stood up and took several steps back, taking deep breaths. Trying to calm down. Gods, he felt so tired.

“You threw your lot in with them and shacked up at the Burial Mounds. Even if you hadn’t slaughtered everyone in Nightless City, did you honestly think that you would’ve been left alone?! Was there a plan on how to protect the Wens or did you think all your problems would just go away on their own? The only person you have to blame is yourself!” Wei Wuxian tried not to react at his words.

Ah! Jiang Cheng.... You always knew where to hurt.

This ‘discussion’ wasn’t getting them anywhere.

Was he the idiot for hoping that they would find some kind of compromise?

“Is it even possible for you to let me go…?”

“….No.”

Wei Wuxian laughed harshly. He pulled out his flute and started to play a low and melodious tune. Wei Ying watched expressionlessly as Jiang Cheng’s eyes widened in realization before they started bleeding. He struggled even more viciously against his bindings, but eventually his eyes rolled to the back of his skull. His former shidi's head slumped forward as he fell unconscious.

Wei Ying lowered his flute and let out a sigh. He felt a familiar presence hovering next to him.

“What is it, Wen Qing?” He asked without looking at the woman’s direction.

A ghostly green firefly flew into his line of sight. It took on the vague apparition of a woman before solidifying into the doctor he knows. As a ghost, her clothes were dirtied by soot and ash. Her skin took on a greenish-grey hue typically found among average ghosts. The healer sported burn marks and blackened limbs. Most of the burns were on her lower abdomen and legs. She died from smoke inhalation before the fire spread to the rest of her body.

“Are we just going to leave them like this?” She asked softly. He shrugged in response.

“They’ll be knocked out for the next few days. When they wake up, we’ll be long gone.” Depending on their luck, they will have found the fabled Ghost City and will be let in or they’ll be occupying a new haunt. He changed the subject:

“Did you find the entrance?” She shook her head.

“It keeps reappearing and disappearing, but we’re sure it’s there. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe Crimson Rain is picky with his visitors?” Wei Ying mused aloud. “Either way, we still have two more days of the Zhongyuan Festival before Ghost Market closes.” She nodded and then asks the question he’d been dreading.

“What happens if we can’t get in?” Wei Wuxian felt himself tense before relaxing.

“Then…. we go with our second option.”

“But you don’t know if it will work.”

“I’ll make it work! I’ll protect you all this time. I promise.” Wen Qing gave him a look of concern.

“We believe you.” She reassured gently. “Just please.... don’t push yourself.”

Wei Ying offered her a tense smile before turning away.

“I’ll check on the others. Notify me immediately of any changes.” She nodded although he couldn’t see it. Wei Wuxian was about to leave when she said:

“Don’t let Jiang Wanyin’s words get to you. You did your best.”

He didn’t acknowledge her words and continued on his way.

I appreciate your kind words, Wen Qing. I really do. But you’re wrong about that.

It didn’t take long for him to reach his destination. A vast field of red spider lilies spread out before him. Soft and vibrant beneath the moonlight. Above the flora, many fireflies languidly flew around. Dipping and bobbing as they pleased. A few of the smaller fireflies appeared to be chasing each other in the air. Wei Ying felt himself relax at the sight. He sighed and flopped down on the flower field. Uncaring of the petals floating in the air because of his disturbance. He held out a finger and one of the smaller fireflies landed on it.

“Hi, A-Yuan.” He whispered softly. “Did you have fun with your friends while I was away?” The little firefly bobbed its body up and down enthusiastically.

He patiently listened to the ghost-child's chattering, before gently flicking him away and urging the little guy to go play with the others.

Feeling his eyelids becoming heavy, Wei Wuxian closed them. Just for a few minutes, he told himself.

I want my parents back…

Come back to Gusu with me…

A-Li…still waiting for you…

A-Xian, stop…. You have to stop first. Don’t… Don’t…

He could feel a strange light flicking back and forth through his closed lids. Wei Wuxian cracked them open. Vaguely aware that he cried in his sleep. He was met with the sight of a silver butterfly hovering above his face.

The strange creature gently landed on his nose.

Chapter End.

Further Notes:

*Timeline: It's now been two years since the Siege. WWX spent approximately six months reforming as a ghost and gaining followers at the Burial Mounds. He then spent the next year and a half doing what was mentioned in the chapter above.

*Hyacinthus orientalis: better known as purple hyacinth. The flower symbolizes deep sorrow, jealousy, grief and asking for forgiveness. I'd say it sums up the Yúnmèng brothers' relationship perfectly.

*Zhongyuan Festival: Ghost or Spirit Festival. In this verse, there's a myth that Ghost City's entrance only appears to newcomers during the festival and WWX decided to see if it's true for himself.

*WWX wasn't aware that JC DID in fact speak up for WQ.

*WWX decided to use subterfuge and fear tactics in order to buy time as he waits for the Zhongyuan Festival to come around. He didn't want to outright confront the sects, but he's not above messing around with them.

*In this verse, WWX is PISSED at the sects/clans (and himself) for the Wen massacre and how it was pushed under the rug. He vowed to leave that world behind and protect the Wens' spirits with everything that he has. Most of that drive stems from the trauma where he found A-Yuan's body after he became a ghost. I'll delve into that in later chapters. (Yes, I killed A-Yuan in this verse. Really sorry, but I couldn't stand him being separated from WWX).

Also, the Four Calamities are akin to semi-true folktales in this verse. Hence why the characters know some vague information about Ghost City, when did the last Calamity appear, etc.

There was just..... so much yelling in this chapter. Jiang Cheng is such a bitter and angry man. I hope I didn't make him too OOC. Hua Cheng will appear in the next chapter. Promise.

Omake:

HC: *peering down at a wraith-butterfly resting on his finger*

YY: *walks in with a mountain of documents and sees his lord watching some massacre -starring WWX yet again- that the butterfly was displaying on its wings*

YY: uh..Chengzhu? I have this month’s -and the last month’s- paperwork?

HC: *waves him off* Put it on my desk. I’ll look at them later.

YY: *knows that ‘later’ means ‘never’ and resigns himself to pulling another all-nighter*

Hope you enjoyed it!

Many thanks~

[fiannalover]

bweirdOCtober day 7: Likes - Gardening

Exchanging her usual clothes for overalls and loose hair for a ponytail, Medeia calmly fixed the ground around her latest project. Ever her faithful companion, Argo laid down next to her, waiting patiently save for the occasional yip.

“Don't worry. I'm almost done.” She said, using her elbow to mess with him a bit, since her hands would get him dirtied by her gloves.

Eventually, a looming shadow announced someone else's presence. “So? What is this one?”

“Parsley. Just got some, so figured I might as well add it to my part of the garden.” Medeia explained.

“Your side is incredibly well-kept, given you have only been here for a couple months.” He remarked. “Aren't you taking this too seriously?”

“Plants are an important ingredient to many potions and medicines, aren't they, uncle Jack?” She asked, flashing that smile she showcased when she knew she was right. “I have to make sure I take care of the root of my creations. In fact, I’m planning on using some of them as mulch to increase the quality of future harvests. That should make our work reach the utmost quality.”

“Careful. Don’t make a videogame loop out of your skills.” He warned.

She chuckled, but replied. “What? Aren’t you the one who says one must always seek further knowledge?” Unnoticeable to her, he grew a little quieter upon hearing that. “Plants settle down their roots, grow and bring their successors into the world as they feed us and die. I like helping them prosper, is all.”

“... Yeah. There is nothing wrong with that. But now, come on. It’s gonna be night before long. Let’s get back in, shall we?” The wizard suggested.

Agreeing, his niece got up, stretched and called forth her energetic corgi. “Alright! Come here, Argo! Let’s go, boy!”

-------

This place was secluded. Medeia wouldn’t have found it without a stroke of luck.

Golden apples, glowing softly under the sun, ethereal sight that required human hands to thrive. In this grotto purposefully hidden away from her sight and their garden, she saw remnants of mane, ore and other materials she had obtained for him.

Argo laid down by her side, steps tired. He still kept up with her wonderfully, but it was obvious it was growing tougher for her loyal companion to do so.

This was it, then.

“We have seen enough, haven’t we?” Squatting, the wizard’s niece opened her arms, letting her dog settle in. Getting up, she announced. “Come on. There is nothing for us here.”

-------

Lucas cautiously looked at the potted plants that had popped up at his new flat, sandy ears twitching in curiosity. “Hey, Medeia. What are those?”

Taking off her headphones, his roommate got up to see what he was talking about and replied. “Oh. Um, sage, lavender, jasmine. Sorry, I made sure not to pick anything you’re allergic to, but I still should have checked first. Are you okay with them?”

“Yeah! They’re pretty. I just didn’t know this was something you knew how to do.”

Confidently (some would say smugly), she announced. “A good potion maker gets her materials straight from the source whenever possible! Helps learn about their characteristics and also avoid taking them for granted. I actually have an agreement with the agriculture people to make use of their greenhouses, but I felt like getting some potted plants for home care.”

Watching them some more, Lucas asked. “Could you teach me the basics of, like, gardening?”

“Hum? I mean, you don’t have to. I can take care of them by myself no problem.”

“I know that. But, one must always learn more, right? Maybe this will be handy for me in the future.” He argued.

At that point, she smiled. “Well said, Lu. Come here. Let’s start with the matters of watering…”

-------

Exchanging her usual clothes for a brand new set of gardening gear the village tailor kindly made for her, Medeia calmly fixed the ground around her latest project.

“What are you doing?” The village's guardian asked her. His spear was always by his side, but his tone of voice and his body language, including his tail, left it clear that this visit was fueled by curiosity and nothing else.

“Hi, Vri! I decided I might as well take up gardening again. Just planted some rosemary.” She said, then, content with what she organized, got up, stretched, and proceeded to admit a thing or two. “I’ve been living a nomad lifestyle since I left college, pretty much, so I haven’t done this in a while. If I’m gonna be confined to this other realm, I might as well make the most of it.”

“That is how most newcomers here decide to see their situation. I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Looking over the small plot of land she was caring after, he offered. “Would you want me to water them for you?”

“Water from a Rain Dragon? Now that would be a blessing upon the harvest.” Medeia exclaimed. “Are you sure that is fine? I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“It is perfectly fine. I do this for the farmers here quite often. Besides, consider this an investment. We have a partnership, don’t we, folk healer? I’m sure this will help the villagers plenty.” He friendly remarked.

“Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Very well, go ahead!”

Putting his spear in front of him, Vri focused his natural magic, coating his brown skin with a glow the same shade of blue as his hair and scaled tail. Soon, small raindrops condensed into the air ahead of him, softly falling to the ground.

This wasn’t half-bad, Medeia thought. Maybe someday she would settle down for good again.

-------

The years went by, and the potion maker stepped out of her house.

Her body didn’t quite agree with great adventures anymore, so retirement came at a good time. A small abode, decently near a village that could only very charitably be called a town, granting her that ‘weird grandma in the middle of the woods’ vibe that fit so perfectly on her.

Prepare the earth, spread the seeds, apply mulch. Alongside permanent residence, old hobbies returned to mind. She had seen much of the world. Now, it was time to sit down, settle roots and feed those who’d come after her. 

Checking the parts of her garden that were already blooming, she gathered a handful of thyme, and, humming softly, went back inside.

[itsnotjustgibberish]

Hello tumblr

I Infodumped about my D&D HMS/CCCC au, Also known as Dungeons and Darrells, in the CJFS so I might as well post it here too :]

The tag is #dungeons & darrells au

Anyways starting off with classes/races,

Heart is a Fallen Aasimar who's multiclassing as a Lunar Sorcerer and Oath of Vengeance Paladin.

Mind is an Envoy Warforged who's multiclassing as a Storm Sorcerer and Undying Light Warlock.

Soul is a Scourge Aasimar w/ warforged parts who's multiclassing as an Aberrant Mind Sorcerer and a Glamour bard

Whole is/was a Half-elf Valor Bard

LORE SUMMARY

Their memories seem rather blurry starting out. (Modify Memory my love…]

The trio knows they were once part of the same Whole. They also remember the fighting between Heart and Mind, and those tensions certainly haven’t been forgotten.

Soul tells the others he knows where Whole is, and they set off to find him, with already very obvious tensions and infighting developing.

…Is Whole a physical being that actually exists, or is this just a common goal Soul made up to stop- or at least detour- the other two from killing each other?

...Well anyways, they set off on their adventure.

Tensions are immediately high. Heart and Mind bicker constantly, and it doesn’t take long for the insults to get more and more personal as the rift in their core beliefs grows.

Soul is able to stop them by reminding them of their goal of finding Whole, and he continues to focus on trying to force them to understand eachother.

Weeks, and months pass and their fights continuously become more physical, which leads to Soul having to “mediate” through threats.

Heart and Mind both begin to believe Whole will be better off without the burden of the other, but while Mind tries to turn him complacent through insulting and berating him words, Heart wants to try a more physical, and permanent solution.

Heart prepares his bow, and leads Mind out away from Soul one night.

Juno was mad, he knew he’d been had, so he shot at Apollo with a bow… But listen to this-

There’s not much you can do when you roll a Nat 1.

Juno misses, horribly.

While passing through a town the trio had stolen a potion that allows the user to teleport, but the location and range they end up is randomized. Mind, in a mix of panic and rage, uses the potion on Heart by... literally just throwing it at him, and, oh- Funny how devastating it can be to roll a Nat 20.

(Eye injury)

The glass shatters over Heart's face, and quite unfortunate it now was that he took off his blindfold to try and help his aim. Sure, the thin cloth wouldn't have done all that much, but anything would be better than directly getting broken glass in your eyes.

The effects of the potion take place and Heart is teleported about a two weeks' journey away, as well.

Soul hears some of the commotion and witnesses Heart disappear, and is, obviously, very angry and concerned. Mind and Soul argue for a bit, before Mind is able to calm him down and explain what Heart tried to do.

Soul insists that they find Heart again. They find a higher level spellcaster to cast Scrying for them, and figure out where he is.

Failing so pathetically already would've made Heart feel powerless enough, but that immediately followed by isolation effects them even worse.

(Did you know that you actually only need to show consistent symptoms for two weeks before you can be diagnosed with depression?)

During those two weeks Mind is very confident and proud of itself for "Bringing justice to Heart."

{It takes everything in Soul not to rip out whatever mechanical bits let him speak}

Then they reunite with Heart, and Mind sees how truly devastating this isolation has been on him.

He feels- No, there's no reason he should be feeling guilty for them. Heart tried to kill him, and he got his karma for it... right?

Things between Heart and Mind are incredibly quiet for the next while.

They eventually start to talk more, but it usually leads to arguing or awkward tension. At least that means they're more comfortable with each other again, as Soul tries to convince himself.

Soul stays very protective over them both after All That, and is terrified to leave them alone together, which prevents them from truly getting the chance to try and fully talk anything out.

As they continue with their travels Heart and Mind continue to be forced to work together, and they start to bond. At some point they get temporarily separated from Soul and have a heart-to-uh, mind.

Things are fairly uneventful bonding/communication-wise, and there aren't many other huge events for some time, but the three of them continue to slowly build up their friendship, and put in the effort to understand one another.

Eventually they get to a point where they're all actually super close! Heart and Mind still bicker at times, but they're able to work it out, and it never gets too intense. If anything, the two of them are closer with eachother than with Soul, for once.

For once they're happy, they're getting along, and they're excited to finally meet and reform as Whole.

Until

0110110001101001011000010111001000101110

...They finally stop arguing and the group splits in two. Heart and Mind stay together, devastated and furious, and Soul goes off on his own.

Soul feels incredibly lost, it knows why the other two are angry at him- they should be, they have every right to. But no matter how much he knows he deserves this, that doesn't stop it from hurting.

So he does the only thing he knows in times like these; they put on a smile and plays his music.

He wanders aimlessly through a couple different towns as he plays. They often find a couple other bards, and they play together. Duets, quartets, small groups... He can never bring himself to play in a trio.

In one of the towns he plays a couple times as usual, but this time one of the members, a chicken aarakocra, starts talking with him outside of the shows.

Despite the cheerful mask Soul tries to put on, the chicken sees right through it, and he eventually drops the act. They start to open up to the other bard, who's name he learns is Darrell, and they're both able to find a lot of comfort in eachother. They get along super well, and become good friends quickly.

Soul still thinks about and feels super guilty over his other two friends, and with the encouragement of Darrell, they build up enough courage to search for them again. It's absolutely terrified of seeing the duo, it's terrified to have to see how he hurt them again, but through all his worries they never consider how, despite their pain, Heart and Mind never wanted to be angry at them.

During all this, Mind and Heart have spent a lot of time discussing their thoughts on Soul after everything. They take the time feel and and accept their anger, and agree to go find it again. They still really care about him, after all.

…

There's certainly more after this, and more I've left out between all the events mentioned here since I enjoy being cryptic, but for now, enjoy!

[cloud-somersault]

Hey, how are you doing? I hope you’re alright. 💕 I’ve been reading your status updates on Constellations and the Epilogue, and I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re amazing. Your writing is incredible and I love it. Your stories are so well thought out and the characters are ✨on point✨, and the plot is complex and detailed and aaahhh! It has me hooked! 🤩

And I understand how it hurts when you put so much effort and love into a story, only to post it and not see others be anywhere near as excited or invested as you are. I know how discouraging it can be. And it may be a little silly, but I do want to apologize for not commenting lately—life took some difficult turns for me healthwise around the end of last year and I haven’t been able to catch up! I’m still on Chapter 4 of Constellations! 😭 BUT Chapter 5 is open on my phone, and I am READY to read it as soon as I have the time (and mental energy, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue 😩). Don’t worry that your writing isn’t enough, or be discouraged if some readers don’t catch hints while others are figuring it all out seemingly too easily. Everybody reads and comprehends stuff differently, and it’s not a sign that your writing is bad if they don’t catch it! Honestly, I’m pretty bad at catching hints the first time I read a story unless they’re pretty darn obvious. I don’t usually notice subtle hints until the second, or third, or even seventh read-through, haha! (on the bright side, rereading stories and rewatching TV shows is always fun!) 😅

I guess what I really wanted to say is… don’t give up hope. Don’t lose your love and enthusiasm for your works, or feel like they aren’t worth writing because others don’t seem interested in them. At the heart of it all… at the end of the day… write because you love to. Because it makes you happy. And know that it doesn’t have to be “perfect”—the main goal should be that you enjoy it. That’s something I’m trying to teach myself, too. 💕

Thank you for taking the time to write this message and send it. I appreciate you're very kind words 💕I'm doing okay, I just had to take a step back for a bit from socials and stuff. I'm gonna keep that up for a while.

Please don't apologize for not commenting or taking your time reading. Your health always comes first, and I'm sorry if I came off as childish or needy, that wasn't my intention. Two things just happened that set me off and the timing of it was incredibly poor 😓

Please take your time reading; none of it is going anywhere, and don't feel obligated to leave comments either. i'm realizing that, even if chapters are short or long, finding the time to finish things is difficult, and everyone lives different lives. And I'm sorry about all the spoilers on this blog, I'll tag that better from now on.

But I really do think I got confused or disjointed in my perceptions; everyone here knows so much because i've been asked questions and given answers and people have interacted, so people following me here have more context than the average ao3 user. But I've kinda been expecting everyone to be on the same page, which will never be true.

I'm also the same way where it takes me a while to pick up on hints. I actually changed my writing style to prevent this. I got tired of reading books in college where you had to dive into every little thing. the hints and clues weren't obvious to me. I decided then that, when I wrote, I wanted things to be bold, obvious, but beautiful. I didn't want to make readers feel like they're missing something. I wanted them to trust that every answer, every clue would be answered in time. I made that promise to myself a decade ago, and being reminded of how different people interpret things just...made me remember.

I take writing really seriously, probably too seriously, but I've been doing it for so long and I love doing it. I want to be good at it. When it feels like I've gone back on that promise to myself, I get frustrated. I think of ways I could've fixed things. But I also remember that those books and those writing styles just weren't for me. I wasn't the target audience.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I wanted to explain why I got upset. I still love Constellations and I'm posting it on ao3 out of convenience, really. It's easier to reference and search there in one "Entire Work" than to have 5 documents open. The fact that others can see and read and have fun is a bonus. But I'm committed to telling this story, and I'm gonna finish with a bang.

Thank you, I won't forget why I'm doing this and that my thoughts/feelings come first! 😤I hope your health concerns are taken care of soon. Take it easy, and thanks again! 💕

[crystallizedday]

Quest – Rekindled (Part 1 of 5)

Level 31 – Easy

How did he end up like this?

Demongo rested atop one of these many KND-branded crates, letting his legs swing aimlessly as he surveyed the rest of the Huntor’s Crest campsite. For weeks, the only company he had were the various monkey minions that decided to make this area their little shelter, a sanctuary safe from the prying eyes of those DexLabs dolts. At the time, Demongo felt genuine relief to be in the company of those who saw him as a “fellow villain” rather than someone to apprehend or destroy.

Ugh…

He should have figured this place would be discovered eventually and by that accursed samurai as well.

As much as he appreciated not having his head immediately chopped off his shoulders, Demongo still felt disheartened to form such an uneasy alliance with these so-called “heroes.” Before he knew it, several SACT agents had made themselves comfortable at the campsite, setting up shops for any young soldiers in need of supplies. Of course, this attracted plenty of those irritating teenage nuisances, and now Demongo had to deal with them on the daily.

The demon was almost disappointed the samurai did not end him when he had the chance, because he could not stand having these children constantly come to him for something to do or to act as mindless messengers for Jack.

To see literal children gaze upon his weakened state with amusement or pity made Demongo so unbelievably enraged, even if he could not express it without raising concern from his “peers.” Sure, he still adorned his flowing cape, and he had just enough power to manifest the skulls that decorated his body. Even so, it was obvious something was wrong with how his usual burning blue flame had almost completely died out. Only a small tint of blue could be seen from the wave of smoke emitting from his head.

He felt colder

Weaker

Vulnerable

And he hated it.

Hopefully, it would not be long until his doppelgänger is finally caught and destroyed. He could not wait to regain his powers, retreat from this place, and never have to deal with these insufferable meat bags ever again. He relished the thought of soaring the skies again, finally free of this humiliation and torture.

He just needed to wait a little longer, surely…

He flinched as he heard footsteps coming his way, almost falling off the crate below him. He turned, relaxing as soon as he saw where those footsteps came from.

It was one of the soldiers… sort of.

This one was certainly no squabbling brat like the others. He was much older, and rather burly too. Faint scars adored his face, yet his expression remained patient and relaxed. In his arms were two pairs of large insect wings, the chitin festering with fusion matter.

The human let out a quiet chuckle. “And I thought the mosquitos from the Wilds were bad enough. It’s a miracle these things haven’t caused you guys any problems so far.”

Demongo was silent, not expecting this mere soldier to start such a casual conversation with him. He readjusted himself, crossing his legs and resting his hands in his lap. “Well, from my observations, these monsters are more territorial than anything. As long as we do not directly disturb them, they will have no reason to attack this camp.”

The human looked intrigued by that fact. “Huh. You know, that actually explains a lot. What else do you know about these things?”

Demongo smirked, amused by that question. “Oh, now where is the fun in telling you everything? It is much more satisfying seeing you humans learn how formidable these beasts are the hard way.” He snickered to himself.

The human did not seem to care about that remark. “Naw, I don’t wanna know that stuff for combat reasons.” He set the wings aside, letting them rest on top of one of the other crates. “I just like learning neat facts.”

Demongo rested his chin against the back of his hand. “Sure, you do…”

The human brushed any excess fusion matter off his arm sleeves. “It’s a good thing these suits protect against this stuff. I’ve seen what this ooze can do to a person. It is not pretty.” He crossed his arms. “By the way, how are you going to use those wings to fly? I’m not sure if handling that stuff is all that safe.”

Demongo pouted. “I’m insulted you think a being like me would be affected by this material. As a creature of fire, no toxins can harm me. Besides, fusion matter itself has unique properties I can harness. I am sure you have seen how large objects coated in this substance tend to float or sway in the air.”

“Huh,” the human uttered. “I always thought that was just… magic or something.”

“HAH!!” The demon shook his head. “I know magic when I see it. What you see in those infected zones is not magic. This substance is alien, unbound by any laws or science that dictate the properties of everything on this planet. It is no wonder that one so-called genius of a child sought my assistance in researching this material. Such a narrow-minded fool.”

The human thought to himself for a moment, lightly tapping his chin. His expression quickly lit up. “Ah! Is that why nanos float too?”

Demongo lightly clapped, his sarcastic demeanor still very much apparent. “Very good, human! You can make basic logical inferences! How impressive!”

The human was completely unfazed by the demon’s attempts to belittle him. “Huh. That’s pretty neat! That definitely explains why those skull bashers right next door from here can just nonchalantly float like they do. I always wondered how that worked. I’m guessing it’s the same for these wings?” He gestured to the insect wings he had placed down earlier.

To say Demongo was baffled to see such a blatant insult not even bother this human in the slightest would be an understatement. He had to ask. “How are you unbothered?! It is genuinely off-putting.”

The human just shrugged. “Eh. I’ve worked with a lot of villains during this whole invasion. Insults are kind of just how a lot of them communicate, probably because they can’t stomach being forced to work with others. I get it. Besides, as long as they’re not planning on hurting anyone, they all deserve some help now and again, like you.”

Demongo was at a loss for words. He could not understand why a human would go out of their way to help some of the most infamous criminals in the entire continent.

The human smirked, his tone shifting to match the demon’s snarky behavior from earlier. “Thought I was helping you just for the money and fusion matter, huh?”

“I…” Demongo tried to utter a rebuttal but could not think of anything clever to say. What could he say? The human already proved spouting any insult would simply be futile. He also did not seem to be as stupid as the demon once assumed judging from that drastic shift in tone. Why was he doing this? What could he possibly gain for this?

The demon had so many questions but ultimately chose one to commit to.

“What is your name?”

The human beamed, excited to answer. “I’m Damien! Damien Aster!” He held out his hand as a friendly gesture. “I already know about you, so there’s no need for an introduction unless you wanna do one.”

Demongo stared at Damien’s hand for a moment. He scoffed, crossing his arms. “Well, I sure hope you would know who I am! I have made quite the name for myself!” He stood, snatching up the large insect wings from one of the nearby crates Damien originally placed them on. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have much work to do. These wings need some extensive modifications if I am to use them.”

Damien nodded. “That’s fair. If you need anything else, I’m always happy to help!”

Demongo clung to the wings just a little bit tighter. “I shall… keep that in mind. I have left the promised taros and fusion matter by the crate I rested on if you still wish to take them.”

Damien waved a dismissive hand at that offer. “Naw. Keep them. I’m good on taros anyway, and I’m in no rush to get any fusion matter for myself.” He turned, walking off toward the Firepits east of the campsite. “See you soon!” He dismounted what looked to be a fuse dissipator rifle from his back holster, readying it for whatever would greet him in the Firepits.

Demongo watched Damien walk away, pondering to himself about everything the human told him. He still had so many questions…

Bah!

He could afford to worry about all that nonsense later. He had work to do! These wings were not going to reconfigure themselves after all. He walked over to one of the many tents at the campsite, swiftly entering it so he could get to work right away.

He hoped these efforts would be worth it.

[newgenog]

REVENGE

Notes: This is NOT part one of chapter seven. As a reminder, we've switched to weekly teasers for each chapter.

If you're just stumbling across this, and haven't already done so, please stop and start by reading chapter one. 

This #Batwoman AU is based on the ABC tv series #Revenge. Ryan Wilder had just about everything taken from her when we met her, and she was doing her best to get it back. In this version of the story, that means taking some people down along the way. And, she's definitely no hero.

Hopefully you're recovered from chapter 6, and ready for our season finale. I'll try to hold you over with out of sequence and context teasers while I wrap this up. See you next Friday for teaser 2 for chapter 7.

CHAPTER SEVEN SNEAK PEEK

TUESDAY, JULY 10TH, 8:00 PM, THE HOLD UP

Ryan made it through her second day back to work after the holiday that became a regressive spiral into feelings she thought she’d buried, after Angelique put a Crow in a coma, after Luke was attacked by another Crow and hospitalized, and of course after Sophie found out who she was and Ryan crushed her when she admitted she never intended to tell her the truth. In reality, going to work was probably Ryan’s best option, because being left to her own devices at a time like this could result in literal bombs being placed and set everywhere her enemies frequented. But that kind of quick ending wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as ensuring the plan she’d spent years devising came to fruition, nor would it be fitting enough justice for them. They didn’t deserve quick endings. They needed to experience complete loss and total destruction. They needed to see her thriving in spite of everything they took from her. The only way that would happen was if she got her house in order. 

Fortunately, Sophie did still help, as she'd promised, and at least a couple of Ryan’s obstacles were now less threatening. She hadn’t spoken to Angelique in almost two days, and figured she too was barely keeping it together, wondering when the next Crow would jump out and try to take her down. So, Ryan goes to The Hold Up to give Angelique the news that Sophie had shared with her earlier that morning. She can’t deny that knowing with confidence Sophie won’t be there, because she’s currently on her shift with Luke, has influenced her timing. 

She walks up to the bar and a very worried Jordan greets her. 

Jordan: “Hey, Robyn…how are you holding up?” 

Ryan: “I’ve definitely been a lot better than this, but I’ve also been worse. So…”

Jordan: “I hear that. Well, have you eaten anything?”

Ryan: “A little…earlier…haven’t been super hungry.” 

Jordan: “Not surprising, considering. Why don’t I at least put some of your favorite fries in front of you, and we can see what happens?” 

Ryan: “Look at you, taking care of me…”

Jordan: “I might be concerned about Luke, but you were there…I can’t even imagine what that was like. And, I’m going to guess you’re not leaning on my sister right now… So, yeah, anything I can do.” 

Ryan: “That obvious, huh?” 

Jordan: “Oh yeah…but I’m not worried about you two.”

Jordan winks at Ryan, and she smiles back gingerly, appreciating the hope.

Ryan: “Are you here alone?” 

Jordan: “My mom’s in the kitchen, even though she should probably be heading home soon. But, it’s our TikTok queen’s night off, and with Soph so occupied right now…I mean, it’s hella dead in here, anyway. So it's not like she’s working hard.” 

Ryan: “Wait, who’s your TikTok queen?”

Jordan: “Oh, you didn’t see…?”

Ryan: “I’m not really on socials like that…” 

Jordan grabs her phone, taps it a few times, and then slides it over.

Jordan: “I’m going to go put your order in. Enjoy the show!”

As Jordan walks away, Ryan watches Angelique and another woman feed each other shots, what looks like for the third time based on the empty glasses nearby them. Then she tongues the girl down. As she pulls away, she snatches a panda hat off of her lipstick lover's head, placing it atop her own, and dances away to loud hip-hop music playing throughout the bar. The clip, taken on a customer's phone, has over fifty thousand likes, which is a lot for Gotham. The Hold Up is tagged as the location.

Ryan puts the phone down on the bar, completely furious. What about that was laying low or sticking to her routine? 

Ryan: “Hey, Jordan! Can I get those fries to go? Think I’m just going to head to bed early.” 

Ryan's night is actually about to get a lot longer.

~~~~~

To be continued…

We finish season one and chapter seven in August. Let's do this!

Follow #SaveBatwoman on all socials please! Support the Writer and Actor strikes.

#wgastrike #sagaftrastrike #StopCancellingDiverseShows

[spnhunter4life]

So Long Version 2 Chapter 10

Word Count: 4.2k

A/N: The moment we've been waiting for! I hope everyone is as happy with this ending as I am. Thanks to everyone who has read and supported this story. It's been a lot of work, but the end result is something I am proud of. They say to write the story you want to read, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading this all the way through now that it's finally finished. I hope everyone who reads it enjoys it as much as I do! Let me know what you think!

Series Masterlist

Ages 24 and 25 August 2004

“That’s… You… I’m…” Dean trailed off, unable to complete a thought. His eyes kept darting back and forth between my eyes and his name. He took a deep, calming breath. “Really?” He questioned like he couldn’t quite believe it. Like he thought he read it wrong or I’d drawn his name on myself in sharpie or something.

 I dropped my shirt and shrugged, not entirely sure how to interpret his reaction. Was showing him a mistake after all?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked.

“What, you mean like ‘Hey, Dean. As you know, I turned 16 today, and guess who’s name showed up? Yours! I hope that’s not weird since you turned 16 over a year ago and haven’t said anything to me, so even though you’re my soulmate, I must not be yours?’”

“What? You think-” Dean sat on the bed and began unlacing his left boot. I watched, confused.

“What are you doing?” I asked him. He yanked his boot off, pushed his sock down and pulled the leg of his jeans up a little.

“You thought this was one sided?” He asked incredulously. He lifted his foot onto the bed, showing me his ankle. 

My breath caught when I saw my name there. This was real, then. I really did belong to him the way he belonged to me. He didn’t have a different soulmate and my gut feeling that we were meant to be together was right, not just the product of longing for someone I could never have. 

“You really thought that there was a possibility I could ever have anyone other than you as my soulmate?”

“Well, to be honest I kind of assumed you knew. Maybe not about the soulmate part,” I clarified when he scoffed and raised his eyebrows. “But at least how much I like you.”

He was still staring at me with a mixture of shock and exasperation, so I nervously barreled on.

“I mean, it seems like everywhere we go people immediately pick up on it. And I tried to hide it, but apparently I haven’t done a very good job. So I figured you must know and were just being nice enough not to say anything about it. Besides, you never looked twice at me. What was I supposed to think?”

“Are you kidding? You’re the only one I ever looked at.”

“Tell that to all the girls you’ve been with,” I countered. “And look, I realize we weren’t together so you had the right to be with anyone you wanted. But don’t tell me you only had eyes for me.”

“It’s true,” he argued. I scoffed and he clenched his jaw. “The only reason I ever paid any attention to any of them is because I didn’t think I could have you, the one person I really wanted. And I seem to recall you going on a few dates yourself,” he answered.

“You might also remember that I only went on dates when friends set me up. I usually wasn’t thrilled about it and it never went past the first date. And that’s not even the point.”

“Then what is?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You knew for a year and a half longer than I did. Why didn’t you say something?” Dean sighed.

“You know, when we were growing up, everywhere we went people knew how I felt about you. At every school the guys would tell me how whipped I was and the girls were always asking if we were dating. It shocked me how I was apparently so obvious and yet you could still be so clueless about it. I mean, you know me better than anyone. How could you of all people not see it? Even now you look surprised to hear it.”

I realized that while I was listening to Dean talk, my eyebrows had wrinkled together. 

“Yeah, well. You were protective I guess. But that’s just who you are. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I know you think so,” Dean said. “But everyone else saw it for what it really meant.”

“This doesn’t really answer why-”

“Because,” he interrupted. “I’ve always known I’m not good enough for you, and I didn’t want you to feel obligated to be with me because of the soulmate thing. And when you turned 16 and never said anything to me… I figured you just weren’t interested.”

“Wow,” I said. “I don’t even know where to start. Uh…” I said, sorting through all the things I wanted to say to pick the most important. “Ok. So what you’re telling me is you knew we were soulmates the whole time?”

“Yeah. Do you know how rare it is for soulmates not to match up? Honestly, I kind of think it’s impossible. I think when that happens it’s just people falling in love with someone with the right name, but it’s the wrong person. It never even crossed my mind that your soulmate could be someone else,” he said.

“Then why did you seem so shocked when you saw my tattoo?” I asked pointedly.  

“Oh, right,” Dean said, reminded of how this whole conversation had started. He grabbed the discarded med kit and gestured for me to lift my shirt.

“Dean.” I wasn’t in the mood for him to try avoiding things. We needed to talk about this.

“I’m not ignoring you. I really need to get you fixed up.” I looked at him doubtfully. “I am capable of talking at the same time,” he said.

I looked at him for a few more seconds, weighing the honesty behind the words. I decided he was just as eager to have this discussion as I was. I walked over to stand beside where he was sitting on the bed and lifted my shirt for him. 

“So?” I asked. “Why did you seem surprised?”

Dean gently rubbed his thumb over the letters of his name, his eyes soft and a small smile on his lips. I shivered at the contact. Then he got to work on cleaning and stitching my side.

“I wasn’t surprised, exactly,” he told me as he worked. “Although I suppose it was a bit of a shock, seeing it for the first time. Knowing in your mind that something must be true and actually seeing it are two different things.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I agreed, wincing at the first poke of the needle. At least this conversation was as good of a distraction as I could ask for.

 “And I just figured if we’ve gone this long without ever seeing or talking about our tattoos, you letting me see it now must mean something.”

“It’s kind of hard to hide it right now,” I pointed out.

“You could’ve kept it hidden if you wanted to. It really wouldn’t have been difficult. Which is why I knew you wanted me to see it. And I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t want me to see it if you weren’t interested.”

I asked my next question. “You honestly thought I wasn’t interested in you?”

“After you turned 16 you never treated me any different,” he shrugged. “I figured there must be a reason for that.”

“There was,” I told him through gritted teeth. I really hated getting stitches. “It was because I was already so in love with you that finding out you were my soulmate didn’t really change things for me.”

He paused his work and looked up at me. 

“You’re serious,” he said. “Really? That long?”

“Is that so hard to believe?” I smiled.

He looked away and continued stitching. He was almost done now.

“Why show me now?” He asked.

“Honestly? I was still nervous about it. If I was right about you having a different soulmate, I didn’t want things to be weird between us,” I told him.

“What changed your mind all of a sudden then?”

“What you said. About why you kissed me. It sounded so much like what I would have said if the situations were reversed that for the first time I let myself really consider the possibility that I was your soulmate too.”

I reached out with my right hand and threaded my fingers through his hair. I loved the feel of it. I loved how soft it was and that I was able to touch him like this. 

“I don’t know when it happened. I don’t even know when I realized it. I just know I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t in love with you,” I told him. It felt kind of weird to admit it out loud, but also really nice. There was no point in hiding it now anyway. Might as well get it all out.

Dean finished with my side and I dropped my shirt as he stood up, forcing my other hand to fall from his hair. He was a full head taller than me and we were standing so close that I had to crane my neck to look at him.

“I guess that’s a good thing,” he said, putting a hand on my cheek. “It makes me feel better about the fact that I can’t remember ever not being in love with you.” Then he leaned down and kissed me.

This time I was a lot more prepared. This time I wasn’t so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even enjoy it. This time I felt everything. I felt how soft his lips were. I felt the way they moved with mine. I felt when his hand moved from my cheek to my neck and his other hand found its way to my back. I felt it when he leaned a little closer and deepened the kiss.

I lifted my arms up to wrap around his neck and winced at the slight pain it caused in my left side. I was fully prepared to ignore it, too caught up in the whole experience to care, but Dean noticed and immediately started to pull away.

“It’s fine,” I told him. I used my hands around his neck to keep him close and try to reconnect our lips.

“Jenna,” he warned gently. Our foreheads were pressed together and I could feel his warm breath brush over my face. “If you want me to keep kissing you, you’re going to have to keep that arm down.”

I just tried to catch his lips again.

“I’m serious,” he said. “You being in pain is a pretty big turn off.”

“You worry too much,” I huffed. But I obediently and dramatically removed my left arm from his neck. “Happy?”

“Smartass,” he said fondly. He slowly leaned in again. Very slowly. My heart raced in anticipation. Just before his lips touched mine, he pulled back.

“Dean,” I whined. He smiled and finally kissed me. 

He moved the hand that had been around my neck to join the other at my back. I moved my left arm to his bicep, loving the strength I could feel there. We found a rhythm quickly, our mouths moving in sync. It was so easy to lose myself in him. In his kiss, in his touch, in the warmth of his body. I would gladly stay here forever.

The kiss was starting to get a little more heated, tongues brushing and Dean lightly nipping at my lower lip once, when his phone rang. He pulled back just the slightest bit, our lips nearly touching. He hesitated for a second, deciding whether or not to answer the phone I guessed. He gave me one last, quick kiss before letting go of me and pulling his phone out of his pocket. He flipped it open and briefly glanced at the screen before answering.

“Hey, Bobby,” he greeted.

Disappointed about the interruption and slightly out of breath, I sat on the bed, leaning against the wall and listening to Dean’s side of the conversation. He filled Bobby in on everything that had happened. Well. Not everything. But everything regarding finishing the case.

“Alright, Bobby. Yeah, we’ll stop by next time we’re headed your way,” Dean said before hanging up the phone. He sat beside me on the bed. “Well that was good timing,” he grumbled.

“You didn’t have to answer it,” I pointed out. I decided it was probably a good thing we’d been interrupted anyway. We still had a lot to talk about.

“What if someone was dying?” He asked, half joking, half serious. 

“Then they should have called an ambulance. You’re not exactly a doctor,” I said.

“Hey, I managed to stitch you up just fine.” 

“That wasn’t life or death. You’re good for patching up, but you can’t do everything, Superman.”

“Next time I’ll just let it ring, then.” He held his arm up for me. I accepted the invitation and leaned into his side. His arm settled around me and I let out a content sigh.

“You know it’s been almost a decade since the last time we did this,” I said.

“Did what?” Dean was resting his chin on top of my head. My ear was pressed against his chest and I could feel its slight vibration when he spoke.

“Sat together like this.” I thought back to those days I’d been sick and how much I’d enjoyed being so close to him. Then I remembered what he said about that time during the dumb favorite memory game. “Did you mean what you said? At the hotel?” I turned my face up to look at him.

“Which part?” He asked, looking back at me. I gently elbowed him in the side. He knew what I was asking about.

“Ow!” He protested despite the fact that I definitely hadn’t hurt him. I gave him a look and he chuckled.

“I meant it. I think about it a lot. How good it felt to be able to hold you like that. Like this,” he said, briefly squeezing his arm tighter around me for emphasis. “How right it felt to have you in my arms. It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt. Well,” he smiled mischievously, “it was. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that kissing you is even better.”

“I won’t disagree with that,” I grinned. My neck was getting tired from the angle I was turned at to see Dean, so I looked away and rested my head back against his chest. I reverted back to an old habit, absentmindedly twisting the bracelet on my wrist as I thought through everything.

“What are you thinking?” Dean asked.

 “I’m having a hard time believing this is real. I’m kind of still wrapping my head around that first kiss. Not to mention everything else,” I admitted.

“You know, the way you froze up at the hotel when I kissed you… I thought I might have just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was worried you were pissed at me for crossing that line and that you might want to leave when we finished the hunt,” he told me.

“More like it happened so quickly and took me so much by surprise that my brain stopped working.”

“Freezing up isn’t really a quality you want in a hunting partner. Maybe I should ditch you,” he teased.

“Maybe you should,” I agreed. “But good luck explaining to Bobby how you left me in Idaho to fend for myself. With an injury.”

“Mm, good point. Guess that means I’m stuck with you.”

“Guess so,” I smiled.

We talked for a couple of hours. Up until our stomachs were grumbling and we couldn’t ignore the need for food anymore. We went out to eat and when we got back we curled up together again and stayed up well into the night, mostly talking, but trading a few kisses as well. When I fell asleep that night, I knew I could never be happier than I was at that moment. I finally had everything I’d ever wanted, and it was even better than I could have imagined.

~~~~~

A couple days later we drove out to Bobby’s house. We decided to make a trip out there to see him like Dean had promised before we started looking for a new case. We wanted a few days off to just enjoy our new relationship before we got back into things and we only planned to stay at Bobby’s for the day.

We made it to his house just after noon. The old hunter was happy to see us of course. He hugged us both and then invited us in. 

“I’m afraid I don’t have much around for food. I’ve been meaning to make a run to the store,” he said apologetically.

“No problem,” I said, holding up a grocery bag. “We came prepared.” 

Bobby wasn’t exactly known for having a well stocked fridge. We knew it was possible he wouldn’t have much around, and we didn’t want to drop in without warning and just expect him to feed us.

“Of course you did. I guess I should expect that from you by now, shouldn’t I?” Bobby said to me. 

“C’mon Bobby,” I teased as I headed for the kitchen. “You live in the midwest. You know you can’t just show up to someone’s house at meal time without bringing food.”

“Well, c’mon now,” Bobby said, shooing me out of the way. “You’re the guest and you brought the food. The least I can do is get it ready.”

He unpacked the buns, hamburger, sloppy joe sauce, macaroni salad, and potato chips we’d stopped to buy on our way into town. The three of us chatted while Bobby made the hamburger, just catching up on things since the last time we saw each other. 

Over lunch Dean and I told Bobby about some of the more interesting cases we’d been on recently. Bobby told us about the research he was doing for another hunter and about how some guy named Rufus was harassing him to help him on a hunt.

We finished lunch and were heading out to the porch to enjoy some beers when Bobby’s phone rang. 

“You two go on and I’ll join you when I’m done,” Bobby instructed. 

Dean carried the cooler out and I opened the screen door for him. Bobby had left the main door open to let in some fresh air. It was a beautiful day. The temperature was sitting in the mid 60s, the sun was shining and there was nothing more than a light breeze occasionally drifting through the air. 

Dean and I sat together on the rickety old porch swing, leaving the chair for Bobby. Dean put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into his side, enjoying the weather and the gentle rocking of the swing.

“Do you remember the summer our dads dropped us off here for a month?” Dean asked after a couple minutes of peaceful quiet.

“Yeah. Sam was obsessed with magic and spent most of his time trying to learn new tricks,” I recalled. “And you basically spent the whole month elbows deep in whatever car you could get your hands on.”

“And you,” he said accusingly, “did not make it easy for me to concentrate.”

“What?” I asked, pulling away from his side so I could look at him. “What did I do?”

“Nothing in particular. You didn’t have to. It was just the way you would sit close by and watch me work while you sang along to the radio. Or I’d look up and see you sitting right here,” he said, patting the swing, “reading a book. It didn’t matter what you were doing. I just remember thinking how beautiful and distracting you were.”

I blushed a little at the words and wondered how long it would take for that to stop.

“And all I really wanted to do,” he said, pressing his forehead to mine. “Was this.”

He leaned in and caught my lips in a sweet kiss. I smiled into it.

“Well it’s about damn time,” Bobby drawled from the doorway. Dean and I jerked apart, startled by his sudden appearance. “A man could grow old and die waiting for you two idjits to get it together,” he said as he opened the screen door and stepped outside. His voice was as gruff as usual, but there was a twinkle in his eye and a small smile on his mouth.

“Wait, you knew?” I asked. My heart was still racing.

“‘Course I did. I don’t think there’s anybody that’s seen the two of you together and doesn’t know.”

I wanted to object, but then I thought back on all the times people had picked up on my feelings for Dean. And how he had apparently experienced the same thing. 

“So I guess we were just the last ones to know,” Dean said a little frustratedly.

“Looks like it,” Bobby smiled. “Congratulations you two. I’m happy for you,” he said.

“Thanks Bobby,” I answered.

He reached into the cooler and pulled out three beers, popping the caps off and handing us each one.

“Here’s to the happy couple,” Bobby said, clinking his bottle against both of ours.

I smiled and took a sip along with the two men.

Here’s to a long and happy life with the man I’m lucky enough to call my soulmate, I thought.

Ages 24 and 25 October 18, 2004

“Do you remember the day we met?” Dean asked one afternoon. We were driving down an empty highway, two hours into a five hour trip.

“Of course,” I answered. I’d been 9 years old. Dean was 11. Dad and John were planning on finishing their hunt that day. They’d already had a little bit of trouble with the police and they wanted us in the same place so they could make a quick getaway when they were done if necessary. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve just been thinking about it,” he shrugged. Then, after a second he smiled. “You were so nervous.”

“Yeah, well my dad had never just randomly dropped me off with strangers before. I wasn’t sure what was going on,” I defended.

“I remember seeing you just standing there all shy, staring at your feet. And I thought, ‘Who is this girl? Why is Dad leaving her with us? She’s just another person for me to have to protect if something finds us.’”

I felt a mix of pride and sorrow rush through me at this new piece of information. At the insight it gave into the man Dean was, and really, had always been. Even at such a young age, his first thought was about protecting others. 

“But then we played a few rounds of slap jack and I realized how competitive you are. And I figured there must be more to you than the defenseless girl I thought you were.”

I laughed, remembering exactly how that had gone. Dean had started out going easy. I could tell he was trying to make me more comfortable, but I wasn’t having it. If I was going to win the game, it was going to be because I’d actually earned it. So when the next jack was laid down and Dean waited a second before going for it, I waited with him. The second I saw his hand start to move, not quite as fast as he could’ve, I moved too.

As I took the pile of cards I looked up into his wide eyes and smiled. “If you’re just going to let me win, don’t bother playing.”

“Then I saw how sweet you were with Sam,” Dean continued. “And I found out you knew about hunting which is something I could never talk about since Sam didn’t know yet. It was nice to have someone else around who knew.”

He was quiet for a minute, but I could tell he wasn’t done talking yet. I waited for him to sort his thoughts.

“I’ve been trying to figure out when I realized. And I think it was then. The day that I met you, I knew what you were to me,” he said. “Not consciously, of course. But there was a part of me that knew. It’s why I felt so protective of you so quickly. And why I was excited the next time we saw each other. Even though I barely knew you.”

I smiled at him, my heart feeling full enough to burst. 

“I love you,” I told him.

“What?” He asked.

“I love you,” I repeated, amused at the surprise in his voice. Not at the words, but that that had been my reply.

“What makes you say that?”

“What makes you say any of the things you just did?” I answered.

“I don’t know. I was just thinking about it and I wanted you to know,” he said.

“And I just wanted you to know,” I said. “I spent a lot of time not able to say it. Now that I can… well. Why wouldn’t I?”

Dean glanced at me, eyes soft and smile bright. He held his arm out in invitation. I scooted to the middle seat and leaned into his side as he put his arm around my shoulder. 

“Jenna,” he said. I turned my face in his direction and he leaned in for a short kiss. “I love you too.”

Epilogue

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2018 Since Tom never uses his Facebook account, we agreed to have me deactivate it for him. One less account for the black bitch to block. Really wish I’d thought to ask him about killing his account before she blocked him but oh well.

On Aly’s other Twitter account she talks of her New Year’s resolutions and one of them is getting rid of toxic things (and people). Can’t help but wonder if I’m one of those toxic people, even though we haven’t been arguing about anything, but I have been dumped by her before and deemed toxic and depressing. If she dumps me, she dumps me. Tom’s the only person that matters while others are just a bonus that can do what they want. Still prefer to remain friends with her but I’m used to being dumped and the older I get, the less seriously I take most things.

The planes are running later and driving me crazier. There is no escaping the fucking things. Twice I filled out noise complaint forms online at the airport site and twice I’ve been ignored. I’d like to think it’s just a holiday thing but this actually started around September. I think they changed flight paths and that this is the way it’s going to be indefinitely. It’s sad that something up there feels I should be so damn cursed with noise that I can’t even have peace at night anymore. The one thing I used to look forward to was the peacefulness of the nighttime but now that too, is gone. The best I can do is hope I don’t hear them in the summer like we don’t hear the freeway at that time.

Going to be seeing the nurse in 9 hours about my blood pressure and we may stop at Goodwill on the way back. Depends on how tired I am. I got up at 10 which means I’ll sleep through New Year’s on the East Coast and won’t be able to watch the ball go down in Times Square live, but I’ll be up in time for New Year’s here which is a good thing in case fireworks wake me up.

Last night’s dream was pretty gross. We decided to shop for rats and for some reason we thought white rats were our only option where we went. Tom asked a young girl sitting at a desk for a white rat and she said we had to go pick one out ourselves. He seemed annoyed with this answer but didn’t say anything. So we went into this room where another woman that I seemed to know and like sat behind another desk assisting customers. I waved to her on my way in, not sure she saw me. Then I was delighted to find a cage full of rats with all different colors and markings. I was even happier to find my favorite, a cinnamon rat.

Yet once I got home I fried and ate the poor thing, saying that it didn’t look like a cinnamon or a Berkshire and that I should have gotten two of them since I ended up eating one. It seemed to look and taste like fried chicken. Gross dream!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2018 Began watching You which Aly recommended a while back. I haven’t seen enough of it to really judge it but it totally figures that they had to reference hate groups like BLM and make other small but obvious references to race.

Not much to update on other than that we ran out to Sam’s yesterday and probably won’t be going anywhere today.

It was so fucking cold yesterday morning! Just so fucking cold! It was 37° but it felt like 20°.

The planes were surprisingly quiet when I got up at 9pm but by 11:30, they were back at it.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one dream, Bob and Virginia’s place was set back further and in a different direction rather than in line with our house. They had a second building in front of their place which I’d never been in but wondered what was inside. Then one time I was walking between the places when they had the blinds open to one of the windows and I could see a beautiful and elegantly decorated room. I thought how it didn’t surprise me that they’d set up such a nice room in this building.

Then a second later I was actually inside the room watching TV with Bob, Virginia and Jim. Bob lifted a heavy footstool and placed it in front of his chair and Jim chuckled and chastised him for lifting objects heavier than he should be lifting at his age.

In the second dream, we were living who knows where. It almost looked like the Phoenix house but the back door was in the wrong place. It was off the second bedroom. We left this door open, expecting to be back from wherever we went a lot sooner than we were. I went back to the house myself to get something and check on things while I was at it, worried someone may have gotten in during our absence.

When I got inside the house it was just getting light out and when I went to flick the light switches on I noticed the power was out in some of the rooms. When I checked the master bedroom I could just make out the sleeping form of someone in the bed.

“Who are you?!” I suddenly shouted, startling the person from their sleep. I jumped on the bed and said, “Get over here! Get out now!”

As I pulled them out into the hallway I could see a young skinny guy with dark eyes and dark curly hair. He started off at my height but then seemed to grow a little taller. I demanded to know who he was and ordered him to get out or else I would call the cops.

He insisted he at least use the bathroom and take a quick shower first. I told him to hurry up and that I was throwing him out afterward.

While he was in the bathroom, first I checked to make sure nothing was stolen and then I gathered some old food we didn’t want, including a half-eaten loaf of bread that was on the verge of expiring. I threw the stuff in a bag and handed it to him on his way out.

“You’re lucky I’m not calling the cops,” I told him. “Instead, I’ve written a name and number on this piece of paper.”

I handed it to him along with the bag and said, “Let’s continue talking outside.”

Relieved that I didn’t have to physically fight to force him outside of the house, I told him to call the number on the paper and ask for the name next to it.

He kept his eyes on me and I told him, “Look at the paper.”

He slowly turned toward the paper and took it as if it was a real chore and a burden for him to do so, not bothering to hide his lack of interest and lack of gratitude for my help.

“The second name is mine. Tell the woman I referred you and she’ll help you get on your feet. For now, get out of here and don’t come back. You’re welcome, too.”

The dream ended with me watching the guy quietly shuffle around the corner and wondering if I would regret either not calling the cops or beating the shit out of him.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2018 Perhaps if it wasn’t for the fact that I slept on and off forever, I wouldn’t have hit 150.6 for the first time since late 2016. If it isn’t the medication then I’m definitely liking this new disease, whatever it is, LOL. It both makes sense and doesn’t. Of course a faster metabolism means you should lose weight if you’re active and not overeating. But then why didn’t I lose weight before when I wasn’t going thyrotoxic? It also seems like my calorie intake is still a bit high for weight loss. Even when I was young it took about 1000 calories to lose weight yet I’m still closer to 1500. It’s going very slow, though, like it always would when I would lose weight. If I lose any more it should be a while before I slip into the 140s and therefore no longer obese. Then again, I was never literally “obese” if you go by my inches and not my weight since muscle weighs more than fat. But I could definitely stand to lose 20 to 30 lb. I’m just worried about how it may affect how my meds affect me. I don’t think I’ll lose that much, though. Tom can see 5 to 10 lb. Well, the highest I’ve then upon waking up was 156.

Not only is losing weight without trying and without going hyper a bit weird but so is my memory loss, regular fatigue and feeling a bit off-balance. These can be signs of a brain tumor or Parkinson’s. We’re thinking the dizziness and fatigue could be my high BP but I’m really nervous about my next set of thyroid numbers, particularly my T4 hitting 1.4. So much for hoping vitamin D would help with sleep and energy, though. I knew those two days of decent sleep and energy were flukes. Tiredness is the norm, not the exception. IDK, maybe I really could have sleep apnea and not know it. Will have to mention it to my ENT in May.

I was watching a random YouTube video on alcohol hacks and one of them said that it soothes the skin. So I put it on my groin rash and while I can still see it, it definitely feels better.

Tom said he and Bob waved to each other when he was going to the house across from him but they weren’t close enough to talk. Tom was at the mailboxes. I haven’t had a chance to get over there, thanks to my fucking schedule. After these many days, I would say it’s safe to assume Virginia is still alive no matter where she is. I would think his place would be swarming with visitors if she had died and Bob definitely would have made a point of saying something to Tom.

Got my new nightgown and it fits perfectly even if the sleeves are a bit long. Love my Pilates ring as well which will be great for working my inner thighs since that particular exercise on the Bowflex is a bit tricky. It’s too easy to get hurt and pull a muscle because you have to work one leg at a time. But this way I can put the ring between my knees and squeeze evenly with both legs.

I’m glad that women didn’t lose their rights in Ohio as they nearly did due to that ridiculous heartbeat bill. The way they claim a heartbeat makes it a person is utterly asinine. My betta has a heartbeat but that doesn’t make it a person. What’s a little scary is how narrowly it escaped being passed. I don’t understand why abortion is getting increasingly frowned upon these days. Most men are no less resistant to the idea of having kids than they’ve always been and women are choosing careers over family more and more whether or not they’re in a relationship. So what’s the problem then?

Aly agrees with Tom in that not all obits are listed if the family doesn’t want one listed. There was never one for Aly’s grandfather or a former classmate who died. But would Miss Perfect choose not to list the queen for some reason? His brother Ray was listed but that would’ve been up to his wife Nora, not Miss Perfect.

Still haven’t heard from Kim but Aly did yesterday. She’s been busy as her family is not only rearranging her room but they do a few celebrations with different family members. Wonder how she managed to hide her Kindle with them reorganizing her room?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2018 Lying in bed without air cleaners or sound machines and listening to the nonstop whooshing sound of the freeway along with the planes. With 20-something years left to live, I realize I really ought to get used to it once and for all. The world gets noisier with time, not quieter. If we do manage to nab a place quieter than this someday, it can’t be by very much.

Woke up with that drugged, groggy, dizzy feeling after sleeping at least somewhat shitty. I woke up in the middle of my sleep with a bit of a stuffy nose so I took baby Benadryl after I got up to pee. It just doesn’t make sense that I would wake up this out of it, though. I didn’t even feel this out of it after an adult Benadryl would knock me out into a nap. So why do I feel so tired and out of it? I seemed to have slept okay otherwise. Let’s just say this is one of those days I’m glad I don’t have a schedule and therefore a job outside of home.

My blood pressure was better the last few days but I did have neck knockers when I got up. This was probably because I stupidly slammed on some sugar before bed. I was too tired for a full meal and I didn’t think a handful of nuts and cherries would satisfy my hunger, so I went for the Chips Ahoy like an idiot.

I’ve been doing well with not feeling anxious. When I felt traces of it a few days ago I thought I would be in for yet another long drawn-out, nasty spell, but I’m doing okay if only for now.

Interestingly enough I haven’t heard from Kim since Christmas morning. She rarely skips more than a day without contacting me and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s either really sick or they caught her with her Kindle. I asked Aly if she’d heard from her but we’re on opposite schedules now so I don’t expect to hear from her for a while. She’s having a rough time of it herself. Her 70-year-old dad who just retired is having back surgery and back pain galore, and now her boyfriend has the shingles.

I vaguely remember dreaming about Aly visiting but don’t remember any real details about the visit.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2018 LOVE how I can tell Alexa to drop the heat if I don’t remember till after getting on the treadmill.

If I had the memory I used to have, then I would have remembered that Campbell’s couldn’t see my tweet because my Twitter account was private. Thank God for younger friends with better memories to remind me of this! I could take the PQQ that Tom takes which helps his memory but with my medication/supplement phobia, I think I’ll pass since it’s something that’s annoying as opposed to debilitating.

Anyway, I went public and tweeted to them and they replied apologizing and saying they were going to check into it. They asked for my mailing address and the UPC number on the can in a DM because they want to make it right.

After I replied I went private again and the next time I have anything to say to someone like them or want to give a piece of my mind to some fucked-up celebrity or politician, maybe then I’ll finally remember that I have to go public first. Twitter has a pretty screwy system but that’s just the way it is. If I want to tell LeBron James that it’s pretty fucked up that all he has to do is give a phony apology for his anti-Jewish comments while Roseanne Barr loses so much due to the comments she made in regards to blacks because whites are oh so privileged, then I have to go public.

I’ve met some black people who were absolutely wonderful. Just wonderful. But I really have some pretty strong feelings toward them as a whole. Okay, enough black talk. It’ll only piss me off.

Nothing from Kim since Christmas morning but I would have to not hear from her for four or five days before I started to think something might be up. I know and understand that life gets in the way of social media at times, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood for it. It would take two whole days of not hearing from Aly before I started worrying about her since we do keep in touch more often.

Google Docs was putting all these Auto Recovery files all over my document page so since I have tons of backups online anyway, I decided to unsync my Mac from Google Drive.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2018 I was up late and slept late, though I feel more rested than I’ve felt in several days. I even did a half-hour on the treadmill.

Tom said no one was next door all day. This probably means Virginia is in the hospital. The problem is that I haven’t had a chance to get over and find out what’s going on because by the time anyone is up and about over there in the morning, I’m getting tired and winding down. As soon as my schedule pushes ahead a bit more, I’ll go over there.

Realizing I was dumb enough to have canned soup as well as frozen pizza (bagel bites), which can fuel anxiety, and since it was time to order groceries again anyway, I got foods that are more anxiety-friendly while still going easy on the sodium and cholesterol. I only allowed myself one sugary treat, a tube of M&M’s.

Was worried I’d be in for an anxious night, and I still could be later on, but the walk seemed to help with that. I’ll walk all day and all night if that’s what it takes and I won’t care about sore feet and achy hips either.

Next weekend we’re going to set up the video thing at the health site so that if I have an emergency when I’m home alone, I can sign in to talk to a therapist. Yes, I would prefer to work with Stacey but this way, even though it may be twice as expensive at around $50, he doesn’t have to lose time from work. It would only be for if things turned scary. Anxiety is definitely the worst emotion a human being could ever feel!

Metabolism is definitely picking up. I was within a tenth of hitting down at 150, so I’m down about 5.5 pounds.

All I remember for dreams was sending a letter about who knows what to some TV show host. Might have been a reality series or something like that. The woman actually looked like Kelly Siegler from the reality crime show Cold Justice. I’m not sure what I said in my letter to her but I figured she would blow me off. But then I was out in public somewhere when I saw her drive by and knew she was coming to see me. She wore a silky mauve top with spaghetti straps but that was all I could see of her outfit since she was in a car. So I raced home excitedly to meet her for whatever it was I contacted her about.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2018 Virginia was whisked away by ambulance again last night at 3:30 in the morning. I got up in the early afternoon to heavy rain and haven’t gone over there to find out what’s going on. More than likely she overdoing it trying to prepare for those 26 people that I’m starting to suspect won’t be showing up tomorrow after all. Sure hope it was nothing serious anyway! Don’t know if she’s still in the hospital or back home.

Being Christmas Eve, I’m really hoping the fucking planes will give me the night off since they’ve been really annoying the last few nights but I’m hearing one right now and this is about when they become more annoying until after midnight. As I said, this is the one place I just can’t get any peace at night or day.

I slept so-so. Not bad but not great since I did wake up several times along the way.

OMG, I am so fucking sick of notifications disrupting me when I’m trying to use Google Docs! This is the fourth time between two different people but some notifications I don’t want to turn off and then later forget to turn them back on.

As I was saying until I had my train of thought interrupted, I woke up tired and ended up taking a nap for about an hour or so a couple of hours after getting up. Then I managed to do 23 minutes on the treadmill while I did a puzzle but I’m still tired. I read that it could be connected to hypertension. Tom and I don’t think it’s chronic fatigue because I don’t have some of the symptoms. I know no one gets every symptom but I don’t think it’s that. I sure hope not! My God, I’ve had enough of the health issues! If I’m meant to be tired the rest of my life just like I’m meant to be farsighted, fat and gray, I don’t know if I can ever really get used to it. I hope I can but better yet, I hope I get my energy back someday and for more than 5 minutes. I’m back on vitamin D so we’ll see if that helps.

I also went back on the ACV shots because my skin has been worse since I stopped. I was itching everywhere yesterday. Still with the groin rash that comes and goes. It seems like as soon as I back it off with a mix of hydrocortisone and Gold Bonds, it returns. Am I really that big or is it something else?

I worry about my anxiety being right around the corner waiting to strike again. It just “feels” like it’s close. The thing is that whether or not it’s connected to the medication or something gone haywire with my brain chemistry, there’s nothing I can do about it either way. I need this medication and I can’t rewire my brain, so unless the shrink can find the proper remedy for me without killing me along the way, there isn’t really much I can do about it.

I let Campbell’s Chunky Soup have it on Twitter because they could have choked me to death on the little piece of black plastic I found in my New England clam chowder. I guess the equipment they manufacture things on contains some plastic. When I did a check, I found that they’ve had this problem going back over a decade. Well, you would think they would have gotten their shit together by now and made sure it doesn’t happen again.

In light of someone cloning one of my Facebook friend’s account and attempting to friend me, I would like to warn anybody I’m connected to there that they should never receive a friend request from me. If they do, it isn’t me. I have ONE account with my real name. I’ve had this account for over a decade and I don’t catfish or go account hopping to try to hide or cover my tracks from whatever shady shit these guys do, so please report any friend requests in my name.

I had this weird dream about being on some mostly deserted beach somewhere with Tom and I mentioned something about it being more valuable than other beaches.

“No, it’s in the wood,” Tom told me.

So I started looking for pieces of driftwood to inspect and try to figure out how it may be more valuable than driftwood from other beaches.

Then I had a dream Nane was my girlfriend and I lived with her. Only instead of being a financial advisor, she was a US Marshal. Because she was constantly away from home, I was left alone. I mean really alone. Because of her job, it made me a potential target for retaliation so I had to be hidden away in this small room or house. Although I had everything I needed there, I couldn’t leave the place and felt very alone. It was true solitary confinement.

Due to being isolated for long periods at a time I began to fall into a deep depression and realized that our so-called relationship had to end since she was much more married to her job than she would ever be to me.

When she returned after chasing after some fugitive overseas, she was all excited and greeted me with a smile, saying she had a surprise for me. Then she saw how depressed and out of it I looked and her face turned worried. Regardless, she went on to tell me it was over. She was quitting her job and would now be around for me all the time. I think we both expected me to be excited but at that point, it was like I had given up on us already. The dream ended then so I don’t know if I left her or she made good on her word to stay home more often.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2018 Damn me! Just fucking damn me and my stupidity! Aly mentioned going to a concert on the Twitter account we’re connected on as well as on WhatsApp. But she never said who she was seeing…except for on the account she’s connected to Molly on that I’m not supposed to be following. Okay, so it’s public, but I’ve given her every indication to think I’m not peeking in every few days or so like I have been. She probably figures as much, though, because she hasn’t said anything nasty about me and I know that as sensitive as she is, I’ve got to be saying at least some things that hurt her fragile feelings that she hasn’t told me about.

The thing is that Aly’s not going to miss my slip. She’s too perceptive and smart. I would be really surprised if it went over her head and she didn’t stop and say to herself, “Hey, wait a minute. I never mentioned who we were seeing to her or anywhere that I would expect her to see.”

So when she picks up her messages in the morning she’ll know I’m looking at her other Twitter account in which I see her consoling Molly about her mother’s sudden admission to the hospital which I have absolutely no sympathy for. In some ways, Mrs. M was worse than her daughter. Why? Because she should have known better. She wasn’t crazy like her daughter, she was just mean. For a former college professor, she should have been smart enough to know it was wrong to troll me along with her daughter. She enabled her daughter and stooped to her level as they harassed me together.

I hate to admit it but she also scared the shit out of me with the legal threats. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong but you don’t do that to someone who was legally dragged through the mud like I was by the Phoenix welfare bums. So Mrs. M can suffer all the misery that may come her way. What she did was pretty unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.

I guess she would be getting kind of old now because she was older when Molly was born. Pretty sure she’s well into her seventies now.

When Tammy left an anti-Trump comment on one of Norma’s many anti-Trump posts, I wanted so bad to say: You’re the one who voted for him. But don’t worry. You “won’t be around long.” Remember?

Fucking melodramatic lying hypochondriac.

I was looking back in old journals on my anxiety history and while it’s still more than obvious to me, whether the doctors believe it or remember it, such as in Dr. O’s case as she doesn’t seem to have a great memory herself, the first time I was on 75s and then when she tried me on 88s, my many severe symptoms were definitely medication-related. The way I started off with severe lung tightness, then the racing, booming heart, anxiety attacks, the runs, rapid weight loss… I don’t know why, but my body considers normal numbers hyper.

It seems like the end of 2015 was when the “butterflies” started but they were tappable once Stacey taught me emotional tapping. I also wrote about a time when I had them one day for a few hours, then they went away for 4 hours, then returned. Well, not only is the chest anxiety untappable but it doesn’t work like that with the chest. They’re more of a black-and-white thing. They’re either on or off. I never skipped doses when I had the butterflies and they eventually went away. I do believe more and more that the butterflies and the chest “stabbers” aren’t connected to the medication. So I either have perimenopause/menopause worse than any case even Dr. A has ever heard of or something in my brain really did break. Something threw my chemistry off. I’d hate to think it was done by the cruel hand of some unseen force but I guess I’ll never know. The question is if the butterflies can go away, can the chest stabbers? It’s only been a month so I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think they won’t return sooner or later. I think it’s going to be after the new year when I know he’s going to have fewer days off since we’ll be done with holidays for a while and appointments as well. I love not having appointments until March but it will suck knowing that he’ll have to work 5 days a week every week. I’m still kind of surprised he hasn’t been laid off since it’s so common but nothing’s going to jeopardize such a noisy place. I just can’t believe we could ever lose a place that can be noisy even at night. The last two nights the fucking commercials have been at it. They’ve become worse than the small planes which haven’t been much of an issue lately.

We ran out to Walgreens earlier for some treats and replaced about two-thirds of the betta’s water. It seems to be best if we do it every other week.

I miss having rats but I just don’t have the energy I used to have for them and I know damn well we wouldn’t end up with any Tinkerbell, Sugar, Blondie or Little Buddy. California seems to mostly have timid rats.

Re-wrote my list of exercises and hope to motivate myself to be more consistent with that. I just wish I had more energy more often because that would really help! At 53, however, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago.

After 5 days of taking my blood pressure 3 times a day, and after what I looked up on WebMD, it looks like I have stage 2 hypertension, which probably requires medication. Not gonna happen!

12/18/18 - 138/84, 148/86, 155/84

12/19/18 - 127/88, 162/89, 156/87

12/20/18 - 144/90, 158/91, 162/90

12/21/18 - 142/83, 148/90, 156/93

12/22/18 - 135/93, 155/89, 129/91

Later…

If Aly didn’t miss the fact that I shouldn’t know who she saw in concert, she’s not saying anything. Sometimes I just wish she would back off on the texting a little bit and I wish Kim would drop to once a week! Not Kim, but Aly messages me about every little thing she does every chance she gets. I would still rather have her message me more often than I’d like than never at all, though.

Definitely don’t like how Aly’s following my journal on Prosebox. Why? To compare what I share publicly with what I share with her? She’s not the only one in Omaha so it could be someone else but I have a feeling it’s not.

We set me up on Google Docs as I believed this would be an easier way to keep just one copy of my journal that auto-syncs whether I update them on my computer or on Google Docs but it turned out to be a rather complex situation much like OneDrive so I’m not going to do much on my laptop anymore. There are enough sites that have gotten pretty reliable where I can just use those. Prosebox isn’t going to make additional copies of one of my books or posts and have me confused as to which is the most recent copy. I tend to go the opposite way I used to. Instead of writing in Word and then uploading online, I’m writing online and dropping copies in Word. Plus, I backup copies on Amazon Drive and other places.

I slept shitty after skipping vitamin D for 2 days so maybe it really does help me sleep better. I’ll take it before bed along with my kiddy multivitamin. I’m just so damn tired of being tired! I miss my old energy and I wonder if I’m ever going to get it back. But poor sleep and age are really sucking my fatigue big time. Tom assures me that if anything else was wrong they would have found it by now but as Aly said, not necessarily. Sometimes it can take years to be properly diagnosed. Really hope I don’t have chronic fatigue or anything else! I just feel like I shouldn’t be this tired this often. I used to sleep shitty in the past at times as well yet I would eventually perk up after a few hours. It seems I wasn’t always this tired in jail where I slept absolutely shitty as hell. So I think it’s a combination of sleeping shitty in my 50s versus sleeping shitty in my 30s. I hope that’s all it is, anyway.

In better news, we ordered another winter nightgown for me, plus some sippy cups to put by the bed at night because it’s easier to grab one of those if I wake up thirsty rather than to have to sit up and unscrew the cap of a water bottle and all that.

The thing I’m most excited about is the Pilates ring we got. Since weight loss is out of the question I have to try to resort to sculpting and reshaping. If I can shrink and straighten my inner thighs a bit, maybe that will help with my rashes. Right now my fucking thighs are what my waist should be and they’re definitely very round too.

I first searched for a Thigh Master like the one we sold on eBay before we left Arizona. I mostly want to work my inner thighs with this thing because it’s easier than doing it on the Bowflex. It’s also good for working the arms and shoulders while watching TV or something like that.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2018 I was finishing waking up with my coffee just before noon when I heard Bob dragging the trash bin since it was trash collection day to the back of his garage. So I jumped up and caught him coming around to the front of the house when I opened the front door and called out to him.

First, he thanked me for coming over and showing concern. I was glad he was grateful because I was worried Nancy would think I was kind of nosy. I’ll admit I was just as curious as I was concerned. But he was appreciative.

Turns out that the chest pains Virginia was feeling were due to inflammation and not a heart attack. I know all too well what it’s like to think you’re having a heart attack! I didn’t see who got out of Nancy’s car last night but I’m guessing Virginia is back home.

I wasn’t happy to hear they’re having 26 people over for Christmas. I’m on nights now for the most part and since I just can’t seem to stop having appointments, I don’t want any noise jeopardizing my sleep and schedule. The sound machine and the earbuds do a good job of blocking sound but if there’s enough car door slamming the vibration may jolt me awake. Bob didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea of having so much company either. He said something about it being unexpected.

That fucking car stayed here for 11 hours yesterday and today it was here from 1 to 8. It probably came and went before I got up, too. It’s like it lives here but doesn’t sleep here.

Today I’ve been feeling tired as I do half the time these days and wonder if it’s due to the Tacrolimus which I also used today. It will be interesting to see if I wake up with a bad headache and have other symptoms tomorrow. If I do then I’ll definitely have to call Amy. If I can continue to use it, though, I worry and wonder just what I’m going to do when I stop it since Tacrolimus can’t be used forever. In just the week or so that I stopped using it, I was noticeably itchier.

Last night’s dream was anything but fun. I was killing myself. I guess I was ODing on pills, one of them being lorazepam. I downed a bunch of pills and then realized there were still a few left in the bottle and wondered if I should take more. Soon I started feeling the effects of the overdose and told myself I better hurry up and take all I can before I go unconscious so that I never wake up.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2018 Heard the loud car come in yesterday morning for about an hour and then it returned at around 2 p.m. and left 5 hours later. That is one devoted son. Seriously, I really wish we could drop down to the typical once-a-week parent visit. This cock, whoever he is, obviously doesn’t have a life. He doesn’t seem to work and he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of relationship. How he lives wherever he’s living is beyond me. I always worry he’s going to move back but at times he comes around often enough that it seems like he lives here. He was in for an hour this morning so I’m sure he’ll be back anytime now for his second daily visit because he just loves his mommy and daddy that much. I doubt they’re having any serious health issues of any kind. Last I saw of them they seemed to be pretty healthy and able-bodied. I wonder when they’ll put the house up for the third time before they pull it off the market?

Can’t stop thinking of Dr. O. I suppose there’s always a chance I’m imagining things but given how intuitive I’ve proven to be for over half a century I’d say I’m right on about the connection I felt between us the last time. Not saying she’s hot for me all of a sudden or anything like that but I felt some kind of connection between us for the first time. She’s always come off as a bit stern and I definitely wouldn’t want to live with the woman because I think she would be bossy and bitchy enough of the time, but I would be her friend. Even though she’s considered average-looking by most people’s standards, I think she looks pretty good for her early 60s and while I have no crush of my own going, I felt almost drawn to her the day I saw her. There was something very soothing and comforting about the way she dealt with me that also boosted my confidence and determination to deal with my anxiety, whatever the hell is causing it. As I reminded her, though, like it or not, the medication has been a problem in the past even if it was in a much more severe way. Remember… booming, racing heart, the runs a few times a day, rapid weight loss without trying…

The type of anxiety I’ve been dealing with the last two years, however (and I told her it’s changed in the way it affects me and fluctuates at times), is an adrenaline kick in the chest. I can feel it rush through me as if invisible hands are reaching in and squeezing my adrenal glands. The kind you’d feel for a few seconds if you were suddenly face to face with a big old spider or something you find scary. Only it goes on and on for hours. I still worry about the inevitable return of the anxiety and I don’t like the fact that I’m still having memory issues that seem a bit extreme for my age.

Anyway, I might reach out to Dr. O on Facebook in the future. When I accidentally slipped and mentioned Stacey’s name, even though I know she could look it up, I said, “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to mention her name.” She didn’t say anything but her expression told me she did indeed get and read my message regarding that and her son. I still wonder to this day how her son knew who I was. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t know that I knew who he was until I brought up his mother being a doctor and all that. Since I doubt Dr. O would have used my full name even if she did discuss me with her son, I think he either hacked her Facebook messages or somehow got a hold of her patient list. I think he saw his mother’s messages somehow. Maybe he didn’t actually have to hack her. Maybe her messages were sitting open on her laptop which he stepped away from momentarily and he saw my name. I’ll never know but no harm done. :-) Funny how he ignored me when I looked him up and surprised him on Twitter to question him there. I definitely surprised and spooked him in the end but will definitely keep him blocked since I don’t know if he’s all there or what his game was.

I actually slept fairly well last night and I’m feeling the best I’ve felt since I got sick. I’m still a little off-balance but even though I said I’d give up on bothering to walk around the park since I can’t do it full-time, I went to the lake anyway. The weather was perfect for it in that I got sunlight since sunlight goes through clouds, but it was cloudy enough that the sun wasn’t blinding me. The temperature was ideal for the way I was dressed and it was surprisingly quiet. I expected sections of loud landscaping but there weren’t any nor was there as much traffic as I expected. Just a bit lightheaded now and maybe slightly tired.

And the cock is back. sighs with frustration With today’s technology I shouldn’t have to fucking know about it when you come and go unless I actually see you.

I had a weird dream about Mark Zuckerberg last night. For some reason, he lost all his money and temporarily became very poor. So we donated some food for him and his family like we’d even care in real life. But we did. We gave him bags of frozen french fries, tater tots and other things.

Then all of a sudden he was rich again and he returned the uneaten portions of the food we donated to him on his motorcycle and included a large candy bar in the shape of the state of California as a token of his appreciation.

Then I was at his house, which was more like a building than a house, it was so huge. Instead of having two kids, he had eight. And instead of a younger Asian wife, she was an older white lady who didn’t seem very nice. She was pretty standoffish. There were maybe a hundred guests and occasional interns milling about who wore white coats similar to what a doctor wears.

Later…

I was lying in the dark when I heard a loud vehicle. It didn’t register in my mind as anything new since so many vehicles are loud. But then I saw the bright flashing lights. Curious, I got up and looked out the living room window, assuming they were going to the house across from next door or further down the way. Nope. They stopped next door. I briefly talked to their daughter Nancy who said Virginia had been having chest pains for an hour. Not wanting to get in the way, I came back and looked out the window by the door and watched. I assumed at first that they wouldn’t be taking her because they were inside the house for quite a while. Then a paramedic came out and raised the back of the stretcher after tossing a couple of duffel bags or something like that into one of the trucks. But then they walked Virginia out and onto the stretcher and off she went. Nancy drove Bob in her car behind the ambulance.

Really hope it was nothing serious but hey, the woman is 85 after all and this could very well be the beginning of the end for her since she’s not as active as Bob even if Bob is a few years older. Plus, she’s heavy. It isn’t just for her and her family’s sake that I hope nothing’s wrong but for my own selfish reasons as well. I don’t want to lose what’s turned out to be great neighbors. If one of them dies, the other may very well downsize to an apartment or something like that. I know how unlucky I usually am with neighbors. I don’t want someone moving in that’s going to be outside all the time making a racket, maybe have a mutt barking every time they walk it, and of course, the chances of them having a motorcycle or other loud vehicle are very good as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2018 Getting really fucking sick of that loud car that’s been coming around again…twice a day. Who the hell needs to visit their parents that often? Come on, once a week, cock!

I’m more worried they’re going to move back in.

But not as worried as I am about this constant fatigue that just goes on and on and on with seemingly no end. I wonder if I’m ever going to feel energized again in my life. If I can ever get a decent night’s sleep, that may help. I woke up just an hour or two after crashing and lay there for the better part of an hour. Finally got up and took baby Benadryl to knock me back out. My nose was a little sniffly and I was sneezing a bit anyway. I actually feel good emotionally now. I’m just always drained. Still a little off-balance as well.

It became obvious to me a long time ago for reasons I’ll probably never know that something up there definitely doesn’t want me taking advantage of this gated park for exercise on a regular basis so I no longer bother to plan or assume I’ll be doing that. That’s ok, though. It’s too noisy in the daytime and too cold at night. Besides, if I just do 20 minutes 6 days a week on the treadmill and 30 minutes 1 day, that totals the 2.5 hours the health specialists recommend we do in a week. Plus, I work my core and arms here and there.

I was going to order groceries from Safeway but they no longer have the Sizzling Wok or the mackerel that I really like so back to Walmart I went. Personally, I like their site layout the best anyway. I can organize favorites better with them. Just wish they, and other stores, would take better responsibility for keeping their items stocked.

Despite starting the first part of my day off very tired, I managed to meet today’s cleaning and exercise goals and will be taking it easy for the rest of the day. Tom should be leaving work soon and I started the final season (9) of the Forensic Files collection.

Amazingly, the Twenties haven’t taken on any projects this week. Just the usual traffic and landscaping sounds I hear out there when I step out of sound-machined areas.

I made my MO journal FO on Prosebox because I’m just not sure I really want to keep sharing with others there. Less editing if I just share with my trusted bestie and leave it at that. I appreciate her reading some of my stories as well. :-)

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2018 Slept shitty and woke up fatigued and still a bit dizzy. I stopped the Tacrolimus recently as I may have mentioned before but then I had to use it yesterday because I started getting more irritation and I woke up with a headache. Again I wonder if there’s a connection between that and the fatigue and dizziness, though I doubt it. Still gonna hold off on it and see if I can ever get over this cold first. It’s like yesterday’s activities really took a bite out of me and set me back.

So I saw Dr. A and told her how things have been these last 6 months and that I sometimes feel so anxious that I wish I was dead. Literally. She said that was worrisome and therefore she thinks I should see the shrink and therapist because she doesn’t believe it’s just about hormonal changes from me going into menopause. I figured as much. I always thought it seemed rather extreme for perimenopause/menopause and that if the medication wasn’t a factor, something else may be going on.

Dr. A looked me over really well and recommended Ocean Mist to help with any congestion in my nose or the tubes in my inner ears. They didn’t have that brand but when we went to get cold medicine for Tom, we got the same thing which is basically saline but in a different brand. When she looked in my good ear she said it looked fine.

While at Rite Aid, I also got this back massager that extends 23” and has these rubber rollers with “fingers” on it. I could have used that a couple of days ago when I had a backache.

Plus I got eight mini hair scrunchies each in a different color. I just think they should have made the pink lighter. It almost matches the red one as it’s such a dark shade of pink. It will match many of my outfits well, though.

Since I was getting anxious when I wasn’t on vitamin D and the Amberen says it contains vitamin E, I decided to go back on vitamin D to see if it will help with my sleep.

She did say you could get a cold that only included fatigue and dizziness when I asked since different viruses produce different symptoms. Definitely feel both of those right now and could only do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Tom thinks that if I add a few minutes a day, I’ll be better by the end of the week and I really hope he’s right!

They took my blood pressure twice and got a reading of 160/92 both times. My HR was in the 90s which is typical for me. Upon looking at my blood pressure history readings, Dr. A pointed out that it’s been erratic. It’s up down, up down every time I see her. Knowing and understanding my fear of medication, rather than give me something to take when it spikes, which she believes could cause my dizziness, we’re going to have me monitor my blood pressure a few times a day for two weeks using my wrist cuff device. Then I’m going to see the nurse on the 31st and she’s going to check the device and all that. This thing isn’t new but I don’t think it’s that old either. Neither of us could remember exactly when we got it but it was definitely sometime while we were in this house. The question is whether or not I’m holding my arm in the right position. With some of them, you have to cross your arm over your chest, and for others, you want to hold your palm upward.

She says that high blood pressure can’t cause anxiety but anxiety can cause high blood pressure. Yes, I have heard that stress and anxiety can raise blood pressure. Not sure what they’re going to do based on what my BP readings are for the rest of the year but I won’t see A Dr. till March. That’s still sooner than June but oh well.

So after going over my frustrations with her as far as anxiety medication I’ve had so far that either stopped working or had bad side effects, she said that even if I don’t get medication from the shrink, I should still schedule an appointment with her even though it will take months to get in to see her anyway. Maybe my knowing the appointment is out there in the future will help jinx the anxiety into staying away longer. As I told her, though, I know it’s coming back sooner or later and that’s hard on me as well. I either suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer. The worst possible scenario is that I did develop an anxiety disorder independent of anything else after all, even if other sources can still fuel it and I’m now starting to suspect that sadly, that’s exactly what I did. Totally my shit luck too, to get something so horrible. I mean if there is a God up there, it totally would have me suffer this way, especially now that there are no money issues or other things to worry about these days. We may not have as much extra money as we’d like but we’re not struggling is what I mean. It’s so much worse than depression, too. Depression is absolutely horrible but it’s very straightforward; you’re simply depressed. Anxiety has a million different symptoms and many of them are batshit terrifying. Never before have I felt emotions that didn’t go with my life. Any depression or stress I felt in the past was due to something bad going on in my life. I don’t know, maybe there’s still hope of it going away someday. Maybe just like it one day appeared for no reason other than when the medication really was to blame for at least some of it, it will go away for no reason as well. At this point, it’s looking doubtful, though. Each year I have it, I lose hope and it seems less likely that it will go away. But I’m trying not to think of it in the form of forever otherwise those dark thoughts will be stirred up. I’ve got another quarter-century or so to live so to think that I could have this tormenting me on and off that long is no place I want my mind going if I don’t want to be suicidal.

As much as I like Stacey, she’s such a long drive out in Rocklin and the appointments do add up in both time and money, so we’re going to look into video therapy for me. Our provider has online therapists.

When we got to Dr. O’s medical building I recognized the same girl behind the desk from last time and said, “I remember you. Your favorite color is green.”

She was amazed by my memory. Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if it was like that most of the time?

Anyway, it kind of sucks that I’ll miss Dr. O now that I’ve come to like her. I’ve always thought she was an amazing doctor and very knowledgeable but now I actually like her at least somewhat, LOL. But at this point, I should definitely never have to see her again.

I was checked in by yet another nurse I’d never seen before who was much more friendly and chatty than the last one. HR was still in the 90s but this time my upper BP number was in the 130s.

After waiting for a half-hour the doctor finally came in but then her cell phone rang and she stepped back out for another minute or two. Then she came in and apologized, saying she was coaching someone on something. I told her it was no problem. I mean after waiting for a half-hour, two additional minutes was nothing. I knew she would be late anyway because she always is. I even surprised Tom with a quick Skype message from the exam room only because I knew I would be in for quite a wait. I mostly did puzzles, though.

Dr. O’s demeanor was very different than the last time. She was much friendlier and supportive and seemed more understanding and empathetic than I ever remember her to be. Through my tears, there were also some jokes and laughter. Or more like smiles and chuckles.

Like with Dr. A, she doesn’t think the medication is the issue. I know damn well it was the first time I went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That was a no-brainer. But those symptoms were much more extreme and numerous than what I’ve been dealing with on and off for the last two years with waves of adrenaline stabbing in and out of the center of my chest. I suffered throughout most of this year. I only did well the first week of January, then from about June to the third week of August, and now since November 23rd or something like that.

I gave each doctor a printed copy of the overview of my symptoms over the last month.

Also like Dr. A, she thinks that it’s definitely time to get the psychiatrist involved and explained to me about the body’s natural norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, etc, and how the shrink can find the proper balance biology-wise to get the right chemistry for me. She knows it’s been hard for me because of medication backfiring on me in the past. I also told her I still worry about my T4 hitting 1.4 because history has shown I definitely do have trouble if it gets that high. I’m hoping it will stay where it’s at and that my TSH will continue to fall but more than likely I should at least go up to 1.3. I��m hoping that on this dose I can no longer get to 1.4. She thinks I need 88s, but understandably, she would never suggest it with me in such an anxious state as I have been on and off for so long now. 88 would definitely normalize my numbers but there’s no way I’m going that high.

She says the biggest thing is accepting the problem and telling myself I don’t need to or deserve to suffer from anxiety and that I can and should get help. It’s definitely true that I’ve been not so much sweeping it under the rug as much as hoping it would go away on its own but it’s obviously not going to do that anytime soon if it ever does. As for why? I don’t know what to think anymore. Could be a combination of things or maybe I really did acquire a medical disorder as Dr. A thinks is possible as I said. If that’s the case and my brain chemistry suddenly “broke,” medication is probably the only thing that can fix it or at least keep me from feeling the symptoms. I just hope we can find something without side effects or at least side effects that go away and that are tolerable until they do! It would be even better if I could take something on an as-needed basis rather than a preventative one but I can’t imagine what that may be. But there are a whole shitload of medications out there for the different emotional disorders.

She reminded me that I should never look at a list of side effects when taking new medications because with my phobia it plants a seed in my mind and I’ll think I’m feeling them. So true, too!

She wants me to go to the lab on or after January 7th because then it will be six weeks back on the 75s. I told her how our insurance no longer covers labs and that we’re planning to switch to a plan where we pay for everything until we meet a certain deductible. Then she gave me the name of a lab that’s cheaper. They give their results to Quest but Quest may not contact them so I’ll have to contact her over the portal with the results.

As she wrote these things down on a piece of paper for me I said, “Well, at least you’re optimistic,” and pointed out that that’s what the upward slant of the lines of her writing is supposed to mean. She got a kick out of that one, haha.

I think I pretty much covered the main highlights of our discussion but if I remember anything else I can add it in future entries. I did say on the way out that hopefully I’d never have to see her again and she jokingly said, “I won’t take that personally.”

LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2018 Feeling a little better today than yesterday but I’m still dizzy. At least the doctor can tell me tomorrow if I have an inner ear infection or not. Not looking forward to the appointments, though, especially Dr. O.

Tom is getting over his own cold and has a stuffy nose and some sneezing. I still never got any kind of sneezing or coughing. Just fatigue and dizziness.

We went to Sam’s Club yesterday and to Safeway today. Got some hot food as well as a vanilla bean bath bomb because my skin is really dry. Not sure I smelled the vanilla in it but it helps my skin.

I switched back to my quilt and blanket combo because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ll be relieved after tomorrow’s appointments are out of the way and to be sleeping mostly at night so I don’t have to bother with the earbuds. Really hope these appointments don’t spawn anymore. I hope I don’t have to see Dr. O again and that Dr. A can wait until June.

Exchanged a few quick messages with Lori on Facebook and of course Kim and Aly. Maybe Kim does have some empathy within her after all because she was riding with some people to a dance that those in the Special Olympics partake in and they hit and killed a deer and she was “heartbroken,” she said. No one was hurt but the van sustained some damage and Carol and Sarah came and got her.

Aly’s doing shitty because she’s worried about her father and she has iron issues which cause her to be dizzy as well.

Last night I dreamed I was having a video chat with my very alive parents for the first time. I set up my laptop facing what appeared to be a small apartment. I was in the kitchen and the living room extended off of it and there was a slider at the end. I asked them if they could see all the way down to the slider.

I wore my hot pink tank dress and my hair was almost to my waist and parted in the middle. I slowly turned around and said, “Here’s a 360-degree view of me.”

Then when we were done, Dad had trouble getting up from whatever he’d been sitting in and I said something like, “They make gaming chairs so maybe they’ll eventually make web chatting chairs.”

In reality, my hair really is getting close to my waist. Such a pain in the ass too, but I’m not ready to cut it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2018 “They’ll never notice.”

Wrong again! Eileen noticed as well. She sent me a message wishing me a happy belated birthday and saying she was sorry she hasn’t been more communicative with me as over the last two years when a lot has happened to her to cause her to turn inward and focus on herself. I can relate to turning inward and have become less active on social media, preferring to mostly write anonymously or for those I’m closest to. That way I feel I can be more open and I’m not likely to get any advice I might be dumb enough to take.

Also, Eileen’s mother died last year. She lived with her for 24 years and Eileen was her primary caretaker. Damn! That’s a long time. Add that to her years as a kid and that’s like two-thirds of her life with her mother, a mother she actually got along with.

So I apologized profusely for deleting her and getting the wrong idea. I really thought she was just sick of me but didn’t have the heart to say so. She said she thinks of me every time she burns my wonderful incense, LOL.

I’m just now starting to feel better and I really hope it stays that way too, and that I don’t relapse! Tom still thinks it’s a cold and this one just didn’t happen to have congestion, coughing or sneezing. I could sort of feel some allergies draining in the back of my throat, though.

I did more research on both the ACV shots and Tacrolimus ointment and they both say they can cause my symptoms. The ACV shots can deplete you of iodine, and I wasn’t measuring the one to two tablespoons you’re supposed to have either, I’ll admit. I would just open a 33-oz. bottle of flavored sparkling water at the beginning of my day and pour some in. So I could have been overdoing it. Since I don’t have labs anytime soon, I’ve stopped the shots for now.

Tom doesn’t think it’s the Tacrolimus making me sick because of how long I’ve been on it and because those symptoms are usually within the first few days. I started off really out of it and dizzy today but I am getting better so I’m not sure whether or not I’m going to take a break from the Tacrolimus or not. I use such a teeny tiny amount anyway that it does seem kind of odd that it would do that all of a sudden whereas the burning from the steroids after a while made more sense. I just miss the days when I knew what I had or at least didn’t care. Trauma changes everything.

So glad it’s almost the weekend! Looking forward to getting out of here even if it’s just to go to stores. It will sort of be like a three-day weekend for us since I have two appointments on Monday.

For the end of my day yesterday the neck knockers came knocking but just when I thought they were going to wake me up, they backed off. Still not exactly sure what causes this but I do intend to bring it up to the doctor.

Ended up falling asleep around 3 p.m. and woke up at 6 to pee. Then I woke up for a second at 9 and 10 and got up at midnight. This is pretty normal for me. Most people my age don’t sleep straight through, anyway. As long as I’m in a deep enough sleep and I can fall back asleep right away when I do wake up, I’m usually okay.

I’m using my second Twitter account to keep track of my health. I made it public since it’s nothing that has to be kept secret, but I’m not going to follow anyone who follows me.

On the way to work this morning, Tom found the car leaking water like crazy so he added more water and was able to get to work okay. Really hope it holds up while we’re still in the state because we don’t really plan on getting a new car until we move. This time around we’re probably going to ship our belongings in containers through a shipment company to a storage place until we get settled wherever we’re going to end up. Initially, we’ll probably have to start off in hotels and then renting apartments or condos. Sure wish I had these sleeping earbuds when we were last in hotels when we came to this damn state 12 years ago!

I put my winter rose blanket on now that I’m not so hot flashy. If I don’t like it, I’ll switch back to the blanket and quilt combo.

Managed to get more done than expected this morning. I changed sheets, did laundry, did a few exercises and cooked some chicken wings.

The bulk trash people didn’t come till a little while ago but someone took the bike yesterday. We were kind of surprised since it’s just a cheap old Walmart bike he got in 2005 and the tires were rotted. It was sad for Tom in a way because he loved that bike and loved riding to and from work back up in Oregon. Shasta Way got him in really good shape. I don’t miss the Arctic climate but I miss some aspects of our lives up there as well. Not in the duplex but in the house, of course. Life wasn’t perfect. There was some barking and a shitload of loud car stereos but I still didn’t need glasses, I was healthy, and except for TMJ I didn’t know was TMJ, we did have some fun moments in Klamath Falls. Even watching Tinkerbell’s old cage go was a bit sad, even if we wanted to get rid of the old rusty thing.

Speaking of places we’ve lived in the past, we were back in Jesse’s trailer in my dreams last night even if things were different. The trailer pretty much looked the same but I was 37 years old and getting rid of an old nightgown I’d had since my twenties.

I walked out of the bedroom and through the living room where Tom was softly snoring on the futon. I went into the kitchen and instead of looking through the end window at just grassy hills with scattered trees, a group of young people in their early twenties were heading for a night out. We said hello to each other through the open window.

I seemed to be happy to be back there even though I knew it was just temporary and was surprised that Jesse even took us back after the less-than-kind letter I sent him shortly after we moved out over 5 years ago. I reminded myself that things had changed, even there, as I gazed up at a large sign on the summit that wouldn’t really be there in reality, of course, because it was all private property. Yet I found myself wishing we could stay somehow.

Then off in the distance, I heard a woman shout for help. Tom woke up from his nap a few minutes later and I told him about the screaming. He reminded me that things were different now.

“So you really think it was a woman screaming for help?” I asked him, and he nodded.

It was still quieter overall and I’d only heard two planes throughout the night. But I knew we couldn’t stay and eventually, we had to move on.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2018 The vent dog came yesterday and is very beautiful and realistic looking. My next Bing points goal is a winter nightgown, then I’ll be after this beautiful garden fairy, only I’ll keep it indoors.

Every few months he gets a surprise electronics package and one of the items contained a really cool crystal cube. We’re not sure what it’s for but it’s totally me. So are the three colorful shiny prism stickers.

They gave them all hot chocolate at work yesterday plus a few goodies to take home. One is a large mug that could almost serve as a bowl, hot chocolate, candy canes, and chocolate kisses along with a silver glitter ornament.

Walmart fucked up in our favor because they threw in a bag of chocolate-covered raisins. Tom wouldn’t touch them of course, but I’m enjoying them on and off.

I’m going easy on the food, though, because to my surprise, my weight is down a bit and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s mostly because I’ve been feeling like shit. It’s like I’m too tired to live. Forget about being too tired to feed myself. Yesterday was the first day I started feeling a little better and I didn’t have to take a nap so I thought today I would be even better. Wrong! I’m horribly fatigued and I slept horribly on and off for nearly 11 hours. Then I took a nap for about an hour after being up for a few hours and I still feel totally out of it and kind of light-headed too. It’s sort of a cross between light-headed and dizzy. I know I definitely came down with something, I just don’t know for sure what it is.

This was the second day in a row that I woke up with a bad headache too. We’re thinking I must have congestion in my head even though my nose isn’t stuffy and I’m not sneezing or coughing. It’s mostly been major fatigue, chills, and some dizziness, though the chills have backed off. I don’t know if the shot had anything to do with it but I would have to say no since it’s been nearly two weeks.

During one of the many times I woke up, I remembered a dream I had in detail but now I don’t remember anything. I know I also had a dream about Kathleen and it seemed like it was negative. I just don’t remember in what way.

Anyway, words can’t express just how frustrating it is to be bogged down with fatigue like this so often. It’s like something wants me to spend half my life bedridden or at least not have enough energy to live up to my full potential. When I bitched about being bored the other day and wanting a break from my regular routine, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2018 I’m just now starting to feel better but only a tiny bit. I’m still weak and tired and pretty out of it. But I’m just enough better to tell that I’m better if that makes any sense.

Because I was sick I didn’t work my core much so I started getting lower backaches. That’s something I can do almost every day, even on days I don’t feel that good. It’s doing cardio regularly that I don’t always have the energy for. So as soon as I’m better I’ll do my one cardio workout for the week and maybe a second one a day or two later and leave it at that rather than keep trying to do what my body can no longer do, as I said before.

I’ve been on this trend of sleeping shitty as hell. I went to insert the earbud in my good ear and it hurt like I had an earache all of a sudden. A sharp cramp that’s probably connected to my cold. So I took those out and put the headband with the speakers in it but it was pretty worthless. Unless I’m laying directly on my good ear, they don’t do me any good. I heard every fucking loud vehicle that passed by. Oh, how I miss the days when I didn’t notice traffic! We’ve got the technology yet we keep making our vehicles louder and louder. And it’s all for show. Just desperate people who have to get the attention of everyone and anyone they can no matter who it affects. On top of that, it’s barely after 6 a.m. and it’s already a bad plane morning. The planes weren’t as bad yesterday morning as I thought they would be, though.

Unable to sleep with the headband, I took the speaker that sits on the floor and put it between the two pillows which are basically by my head. I hated to sleep to such loud white noise hissing in my ear but it was either that or keep being woken by loud vehicles. It’s really sad that this is what the world’s come to and I gotta fight for the right to sleep. It’s bad enough that I wake up just because or pee as often as I do. I didn’t realize the Amberen had been helping that much with my sleep but just as soon as the anxiety comes back, and I know it will, I’ll go back on that. I also woke up cold a few times as well as warm. There’s always something. Always. I swear something up there doesn’t want me sleeping well. At least not for long.

We’re going to be getting up to 60° today. It’s going to be a very noisy day too, because on top of the regular landscaping and traffic, the bulk pickup trash collectors are coming. We’ve got a small old silver metal cage that we got up in Oregon and that has calcium buildup on it as well as rust out by the road to be picked up as well as the red bike he also got while we were up there. The one he took to work at MCX rather than re-registering the truck in such a tiny town.

Damn, I miss some aspects of our lives up there! I hated the climate and the lack of stores and a few other things but there were a lot of fun moments up there as well. I know I’ve said that these last few years my life has been the best it’s been but technically it hasn’t. Financially it’s been the best but that’s about it. I’m only 53 and already I wonder why they call the Golden Years the Golden Years. What could possibly be “golden” about them other than that you don’t have to work?

I really do miss some aspects of my old life and the old me. Hell, I miss staring at pictures. The kind with attractive ladies so hot I could stare for hours conjuring up all kinds of scenarios both intimate and not in my mind. But those days are long gone.

I’m not sure what to do about Tammy and the girls. I never heard from Etta but I don’t know if that’s because she hasn’t checked her messages, hasn’t used her account or is simply ignoring me. She may be suspicious and paranoid and think I have some hidden motive and that I’m actually against her. But should I block Tammy and the girls and make it harder for them to contact me in the future should they ever decide to do so? I’m just not sure what to do. I thought of sharing those journals with them but something tells me that’s not a wise idea at this time. They love to call the pigs every time they get pissed at someone, so since they know where I live, it may be best to wait. When we move and my sister is still very much alive, then maybe.

Saw a video of Molly. OMG, if I thought she stalked me for so long, poor Roman! This is a guy I guess she once dated. Well, he blocked her Twitter account so she created another one to continue stalking him from and created a video begging to be friendly again and her usual shit. I don’t see why Aly thinks she’s changed for the better. The only thing better is that she hasn’t stalked me but she knows that I won’t put up with it like I was dumb enough to in the past. Or she’ll at least find that out real fast if she ever does fixate on me again.

She’s pretty ugly and those cat eye frames that she wears are all wrong for her eyes which slant in the opposite direction. She doesn’t sound like I expected her to sound, though. There’s no southern drawl and her voice itself doesn’t sound as expected. I don’t know what I did expect but it wasn’t what I heard.

We’ve got groceries being delivered today and the vent dog should arrive as well but not before I crash.

It’s so weird looking at the rats’ cage and no one’s there. Just a giant, empty, lonely cage. But I still hesitate to get new rats for a few reasons. We’ve had horrible rat luck in this state with only a couple of exceptions. I don’t know why it is but we just keep getting timid ones that aren’t nearly as friendly as they could be. Rats also need time and attention and I don’t know that I have the energy anymore to devote myself to them. If they’re on the shy side then it doesn’t take much energy because they’re not going to want to play with you. But they’re still going to want to spend time outside of the cage and while they don’t have to be watched every single second, I still have to focus on them somewhat. They’re not like hamsters and gerbils but more like cats and dogs. So they don’t like to be ignored.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2018 Well, Shannon, your “God” was wrong. I’m not okay. I’m alive but I’m not “okay.”

I not only lost Dumbo tonight, the last of the ratties, but I still feel totally out of it and like I haven’t slept in days. Hip and upper right stomach pain are better and I don’t get the chills I was getting before, but I still feel like a battery that’s virtually out of juice. Just totally drained to hell.

I’ve come to believe that if there is any kind of God above it must be a real coward and a real hater because it takes an awful lot of cowardice and hatred to sit back and allow some people to suffer as it does. Whether or not it actually makes the bad things that happen to us happen or it just sits back and allows them to is a very cowardly and mean-spirited thing to do. I still think there probably isn’t a God but if there is, I certainly can’t imagine ever worshipping, praising or respecting it in any way. Not after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through as well.

Backing up to when we were heading from the car to the lab. I heard the loud caw of a crow and wondered if something bad would happen since many people seem to believe the sound or sight of a crow is a bad omen. Well, I can’t say cemeteries are bad since our lives were pretty good when we last lived near one in Oregon, but so far crows definitely don’t seem to bring good luck. Right after I heard the damn thing, they had issues getting blood from me and that’s about when I really started feeling ill too. I still feel like shit. I’m totally depleted of energy and it’s taking all I’ve got just to do this entry which I’ve been working on little by little.

I’m sure the plane frenzy will start up any minute now. Three nights ago they stopped around midnight after coming every 30 to 60 minutes and then it was one after another after 5 a.m. The last two nights and mornings I didn’t hear anything and it was wonderful but last night they were back at it until around midnight, and any second now, I’m sure it’ll be one after another.

Anyway, I’m so tired of being forced to work out part-time that that’s just what I’m going to do. Given how many years I haven’t been able to work out the 5 days a week I’d like to most weeks, I realize that I’m never getting better. I may get some of my energy back but for the most part, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago. Like it or not, I am starting to get older and therefore I can’t expect to do the things I used to do. Or at least not as often. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. It’s like something wants me to work out part-time so if that’s what’s meant to be, then part-time it is. Instead of striving for 5 days a week, I’m just going to plan on working out once or twice a week and leave it at that. No more trying to do what I’m never going to be able to do again. At my age, it’s pretty much all downhill from here. It’s just a question of how steep that hill is going to be. But I’m never going to get better as I said. It’s hard to accept this but I have no choice but to do so. I’m never going to have my old energy. I’m never going to have perfect vision again. Never going to have the memory I once had. Definitely felt my best in my thirties and most of my forties but those days are never coming back. So onward and forward. It’s all I can do. Just got to make the best of my limitations and I definitely have a limited supply of energy these days. I’d say that at least half the time I don’t have good energy. Today I feel like I only slept two hours. In reality, I slept for about 8 hours, then I got up and showered and ate. Then I ended up napping for an hour or two. I need to stay up until 10 a.m., preferably noon, due to my appts. Most of my time will be spent lying around listening to my audiobook. There isn’t anything else I need to do at the moment anyway, energy or not.

Even though it’s a little harder to keep track of what I’ve returned, I signed up for a free month of Kindle Unlimited. I really like Jon Athan and so I’m diving into his books. There have only been a couple I couldn’t get into. I thought it was $15 a month but it’s $10 a month. I definitely like this better than my perfume subscription, which was the same price, even though I’ve liked all the samples I’ve been sent.

OMG, I’m so backed up that I didn’t even write about my lab results yet. They’re both good and shitty. It’s shitty that my TSH is still high, though it is coming down. It’s down to 22. T3 is still low but my T4 is up to 1.2.

The best news is that my cholesterol has improved significantly! It’s still bad enough that they would want me on statins but not crazy bad. So the ACV shots do help. If only I could lose 30 pounds or so. That might actually normalize it. Out of the question, though.

I got reminders for both appointments. The automated reminders will come next in a day or two. The woman from Dr. O’s office also wanted to remind me that lab work needed to be done for that appointment. I sure hope she knows I just went on the 6th because I’m not going again!

Again I wonder if the neck knockers are sodium-induced because I overdid the sodium on Saturday and the fucking neck knockers woke me up twice. Definitely gotta bring that up to Dr. A.

Tom helped me dye my hair Sunday night and at about 3 in the morning, we went to Walgreens to pick up some treats.

We were going to go to Safeway a few hours later for the orange juice I started craving as I sometimes do when I’m sick. By then I was too sick to go out again so he was kind enough to run up and get it for me.

Okay, I think I’m caught up enough to call this an entry. I only remember one dream from the other night. I forgot to take notes on last night’s dream when I got up so I can’t remember what it was about. But two nights ago I had a dream that I took a bus somewhere out of town and was returning to the bus station. We passed rows of parked buses as we entered the terminal. A woman sitting next to me befriended me who that hideously ugly but very nice. I had no ride home and she offered to take me which I really appreciated.

We got off the bus and I followed her into a small pastry shop. We looked in the case at all these colorful and fancy goodies… Cakes, cookies, cupcakes… And I said something about how I love rainbows and bright colors.

Then she surprised me by going behind the counter and putting an apron on.

“You work here?” I asked.

“Yep,” she said and then began waiting on customers with another employee while I watched from the sidelines.

Soon I realized I was getting very tired and I asked when we were leaving. She said in a few hours, leaving me to wonder what I would do to kill time as exhausted as I was getting.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2018 “They’ll never notice.”

Well, I sure got that wrong! Kim noticed. She wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did that day and how things were going. I quickly felt like an idiot for unfriending her and apologized right away, saying that I thought she was sick of me and that this was why I hadn’t heard from her. If I had the memory I used to have I would have remembered that she was in a very bad car accident and things aren’t the same for her any more than they are for me. She once loved being an RN but now she’s forced to settle for menial jobs like at Yankee Candle Company and she’s working at an animal shelter. She does love animals so I don’t know that that’s much of a settlement. But life definitely isn’t usually what we plan it to be.

I’m sure Aly didn’t plan to be moving back in with her parents, however temporary it may be. She can’t afford to renew the lease on her studio so she moved back in with them not just to save money but so she can help her dad recover from back surgery. She’ll stay with her boyfriend on weekends. She hesitates to move in with him so soon after moving in too soon with her former BF and GF was a bust. As I told her, though, if it’s meant to be, it will work out regardless of when they live together, not that they won’t have some disagreements as all couples do. At least she has someone who can perform and has a normal appetite for his age. Well, that’s the impression I get. Ah, but is he as smart and as accepting as my guy? Is anyone?

So I reconnected with Kim and told her that I have all kinds of things going on as well and that I miss the days when asthma and allergies were my worst problems. Now it’s one thing after another on top of the usual and yet again I wonder if life is worth living. I’m getting awfully bored with life anyway and I don’t see much hope for many new and exciting changes ahead, so why live to suffer?

I’m getting behind so I’ll back up to yesterday. I didn’t feel well enough to blog yesterday. I got up, went to the lab, and then Tom reminded me to hold the paper we printed out in front of their tablet to speed up the process of checking in for my appointment. I totally forgot about that and I never would have remembered if he hadn’t said anything. This brain fog seems a bit extreme lately even for being hypo and sometimes it’s not just frustrating but worrisome. I really hope nothing else is wrong as I’ve had enough shit!

A guy who was temporary and therefore not allowed to use butterfly needles tried to get blood out from my inner elbow with a regular needle to no avail. Then he got a really friendly black girl named Shannon and she had no luck either with a butterfly needle. She had to get it from my hand. She was so nice and sweet, though. She could see that I was on the verge of tears between not feeling well and all that was going on and she gave me a big hug as I stood up to leave. She told me she was there five days a week and that I could request her. I’ll remember that next time I schedule an appointment which hopefully won’t be until June unless Dr. O wants me to go before then.

She asked me if I was spiritual and I said, “Not really.” Then she told me that God told her to tell me I would be okay and that she would pray for me. Even though I don’t believe any God that may exist gives a shit about me, it was a very kind thing to say and I really appreciated it. So I left with my “battle scars.” You could see red lines where the tourniquet was on my upper arm as well as my wrist since they had to tie it so tight.

They only took two tubes because this isn’t time for blood cell counts and all that like I thought it was. That’s not until June. I forgot whether it’s June or December since I can’t remember shit.

So we got back home and I indulged in cholesterol and then I noticed I felt extremely fatigued. I was freezing as hell, too. I noticed I’ve had some intense chills since getting the flu shot and my overall feeling in my head felt almost like I had a cold or something but now I’m pretty sure that the flu shot gave me the flu. Or at least flu symptoms. The symptoms I have seem more like the flu rather than a cold. I don’t have a fever but I’m extremely cold and tired.

Still getting hip pain toward the end of my day as well, but the weather has pretty much been ruled out as a cause since we’ve dried up again.

I slept on and off for somewhere between 10 and 11 hours and I’m still feeling pretty out of it. I even have a cramp-like pain in the area where my liver is located and I wonder if it’s from all the Ibuprofen. Even my pee smelled a little strange earlier.

I’m never going to get a flu shot again. If I’m going to feel this bad from it, then I might as well actually get it, though it’s unlikely that I would. I know I can catch something anytime I go out in public but I definitely regret getting this one for sure. I’m also a bit worried about how long the symptoms have lasted. I read 24 to 48 hours after getting the shot but now it’s been a week.

I’m just so fucking sick of suffering. Just so fucking sick of it. Ever since we came to this house I’ve dealt with noise unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived in before, including apartments and projects, and I’ve suffered tremendously.

I looked on Google Maps at the house we rented for 2 years in Oregon where our lives were good for the most part and it was just as close, if not maybe a tiny bit closer, to a cemetery than we are here. So I don’t think that has anything to do with it but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else connected to the house that’s been picking on me. I just can’t imagine what it could be if there is or why. I guess I’ll never know until we move, assuming I survive to see that day happen. Sometimes I really do just want to end it all and I’ve definitely been thinking about it more and more. No one wants to live just to suffer. That’s simply no way to live. It’s no “life.” But I’m afraid that if I don’t die soon I’ll live another 20-something years to do just that. I know it’s only a matter of time before I come down with some new disease or condition that’s treatable but not curable.

I don’t know if I can believe the results since wrist blood pressure cuffs aren’t as accurate, but I seem to have high blood pressure most of the time I check, I still have that strange bounding pulse here and there, and a whole host of other things that make life a bitch. It’s like something up there has said, “Well, if she can’t be anxious right now I’ll just make her feel like she has the flu.”

It’s like something really is determined to see that I suffer. But what or who is it and why? I still don’t know if I believe in any God or spirits but this definitely does seem to go beyond simple bad luck that I wonder if something is planning to send me to hell in the afterlife and this is its way of showing me that things could be worse, as I’ve already learned since even my worst of problems in the past doesn’t seem nearly this bad. So I wonder, is it just making things shitty here with plans to make my existence in an afterlife shittier than the shittiest experience a human could experience while they’re alive? Or maybe the afterlife, if there is one, is going to be so damn good that it’s determined to prolong my suffering as long as it can to delay my getting there. I just don’t know what to think anymore but ending up in some kind of eternal hell that makes these days seem heavenly is one of my worst fears.

Till then I would really love to live somewhere where I didn’t have just a few good scattered days, I was further from the street and one that wasn’t so busy as loud as so many vehicles are these days, and I also wish I could go longer than an hour without hearing a fucking plane. It’s definitely at its quietest around here between midnight and 6am.

Okay, after a long night of pain, fatigue, depression and more, I’m going to have to get to the cawing crow later.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2018 Andy believed that when we think of someone we know, they somehow sense it and think of us in return. I don’t know why, but for some reason, Dr. A has been on my mind and I wonder if it’s because it’s getting close to my appointment. Probably so. I even dreamed of her last night. Instead of going to a building in a nice area to see her and then being brought into the exam room by the nurse, I either walked or took a bus to a small dumpy building in a seedy section of town. Once I entered the exam room, she was already present and talking to one of her staff. I sat in the chair by her desk and waited for them to finish. When the person she was talking to left the room, I noticed her nails and said, “Oh, colors”, referring to her unusually colorful nails.

Then her nails grew an inch in two seconds and I asked her if it was hard to do things with nails that long. She said it wasn’t really.

Our forearms rested on her desk, fingertips touching, and I moved my hand away because it felt a bit weird and I didn’t want her to feel weird either.

Anyway, I wonder if I’ve been popping into her mind at all since she’s been popping into mine? If that’s the case, then I should be on Dr. O’s mind as well.

I don’t hear much of the freeway tonight but as usual, I can’t even go an hour, if even that, without hearing a plane. I still don’t understand why we suddenly have all these commercials flying over us like we have these last few months. Go fly over someone else’s head!

Yesterday I spent at least half of the day absolutely freezing. I’d be bundled up and under the covers as well but still freezing my ass off. I wasn’t anxious but I felt myself getting a little bored and depressed and the hip pain I had didn’t help either.

Today I don’t have pain yet and made sure to walk a half-hour, and will probably walk more later, just in case it has anything to do with not being mobile enough. Thank God for deserts just in case it has to do with the weather. If it is arthritis and the weather has been a factor, then Florida may be out of the question. I sure hope not!

No intense cold feelings yet today. Just a little fatigue. I wonder if the intense cold could be from the flu shot but it’s been since the first since I got the shot, and I didn’t feel cold 2 days ago. I really do seem to have bipolar health. This means that since I feel okay today I’ll probably feel like shit physically and emotionally tomorrow. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for pain later on toward the end of my day but I sure hope not.

Still not sleeping as well as I’d like. Because I wake up in the middle of my sleep and am not able to fall back asleep right away, it causes me to end up sleeping later than usual. Tomorrow he’s probably going to have to wake me up at 3:15 because I’m not sure I’ll be up before then for my 4:00 lab appointment. I can just imagine how shitty my numbers will be, too. No point in continuing with the raw ACV shots if it doesn’t turn out to help my cholesterol much. Statins are probably the only way I can get it under control but I’m not brave enough to go that route just yet. I would still prefer to wait until he’s retired and home all the time.

When I woke up in the middle of my sleep I had a bit of hip pain so I took Ibuprofen. I’ve got to remember to stop eating after 4 a.m. as this is a fasting lab because of the lipid panel. I’ll probably take some Benadryl before bed, though, to help lessen my chance of waking up too soon. Grateful for my sleeping earbuds so I don’t have to deal with the fucking traffic.

I was surprised when I read that middle age is considered between 45 and 65. I thought it was more like 35 to 55, maybe 60, but then we are living longer these days. Knowing how unlucky the number 4 is, I dread my next birthday as well as any year with the number 4 in it! Hate that fucking number. It’s no wonder so much of my life has sucked since I was born on the 4th. On the other hand, Alyssa sure seems to have it great for having a 4 in her birthdate as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2018 I finally managed to convince myself to get up and hit the treadmill which is where I am right now as I do this entry. I’m just taking it slow.

Unlike yesterday when I felt good physically and emotionally, I feel pretty out of it today. I did wake up in the middle of my sleep but I didn’t take Benadryl. Instead, I had hip pain and took one ibuprofen because I’ve found that that’s all I need to kill that pain which has been every fucking day for a few weeks now. I’ve thought of everything it could possibly be and unfortunately, arthritis is the only thing that comes to mind. I don’t think I’m underdoing the exercise and I’m definitely not overdoing it lately either. If anything, I’ve been a bit lazy.

As I said, I woke up feeling out of it today. I don’t know why I keep going back and forth like this but today was one of those days where I almost felt like I slept shitty or only for a few hours and like I’m on the verge of a cold. I have no energy and I’m cold no matter how bundled up I am. Yet no test has ever shown me to have anemia either. Going to be going to the lab on Thursday and it’s that time of year where they test everything they normally test for and then some.

Felt a little depressed but nothing too major. When I was chatting with Tom when he got home from work, I was telling him that I definitely felt best in my thirties. By then I had quit smoking so my asthma and allergies had improved, I didn’t need glasses yet, I was still thin, I still had a libido and a working thyroid. I usually slept the whole night through and didn’t suffer so much fatigue and lightheadedness. If I was depressed or anxious, it was for a reason and not just because. The anxiety back then was a joke compared to how extreme it’s been these last few years.

I might have to stop walking because I’ve got shooting pains down my right thigh. Sciatic nerve? Could be but I don’t know. Seems more of a joint thing than anything else but sometimes the pain isn’t concentrated. It sort of radiates in the upper thigh and groin area, and according to my research, that could be arthritis.

Another thing is that I’m getting bored more often, longing for something new, different and exciting to be thrown into the usual grind for variety’s sake, but this is something that’s a lot easier to wish for than to actually have happen.

Okay, the pain stopped. I’ll walk a bit more.

Taking Ibuprofen every day can’t be good for me so I want to wait until it’s closer to bedtime.

Although I slept most of my birthday, I enjoyed the birthday “cards” I got in both English and German. Tammy and my nieces not acknowledging my birthday is yet another classic example of how self-absorbed they really are. They probably would have if we were still connected, but if they weren’t so stuck on themselves they would have remembered the date. Tammy probably remembered even if she didn’t reach out to me because she supposedly “won’t be around long.”

The schedule predictor program can predict half a year out, so we’ve found, but not a year. It said I’d be getting up at 10:30 PM on the 4th. It was off by nearly 9 hours.

Tom and I were also talking about the lack of universal healthcare in this country and how someone was saying that Canada isn’t as wonderful as you may think because they have to wait longer for things. Yeah, but wouldn’t it be better to wait longer for what you need than to never be able to get it at all because you can’t afford it? This is part of why I wonder if maybe we should get out of the country when he retires. We’re not going to have as much money as he’s making now and I don’t want to lose a big chunk of it to medical expenses.

The book I’m reading, Miss Vengeance, is awesome. I love the way she’s looked up sex offenders online, tracked them down, and is giving them true justice that no court would ever give them. Funny too, because these have been on my list of dark fantasies in the past where I take my anger, frustration or whatever out on not good, decent innocent people but someone who really deserves to suffer. The only problem is that they’re still monitored a little closer than normal and it would be just my shit luck that I got caught torturing the fuckers. Not worth the risk. Even Tom said so when I once brought it up to him.

The fucking shower stall in the master bathroom is still leaking. I just can’t figure out how since there are no pipes in the wall where it’s at. Yet I can clearly see the water bleeding out between the floor and quarter round on the wall that divides the bathroom and kitchen. Maybe it’s coming down where the handles are and rolling over into that area. Either way, why are we always so damn cursed with leaks? Oh well. I don’t want to deal with it. I’ll just use the other shower which I like better anyway until it too, goes to hell and we’re forced to deal with it.

The tea and the 10-minute walk I just did warmed me up, but I still don’t feel all that great overall physically or emotionally. Definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights.

Oh, hey, I just read that sciatic nerve issues usually affect only one leg at a time and go away after a few days. The fact that this pain is even, along with the location, smacks of arthritis. Just read that inflammatory arthritis can cause fatigue, too.

I feel really out of it, almost like I have a cold. I don’t understand why I go back and forth like this and I wonder if that funny feeling I sometimes get in my head, especially when I first stand up where my hearing temporarily diminishes, could be connected. Read up on that too, and it seems to be connected to a drop in blood pressure upon standing up.

I didn’t even have this kind of fatigue back when I would have PMS regularly. There are other symptoms like fever and weight loss which I definitely don’t have, but not everyone gets all the symptoms. Becky has rheumatoid arthritis which is also a type of inflammation and she definitely doesn’t have any weight loss issues at over 200 pounds. Losing weight would definitely help my joints but that’s not possible so that’s not an option for me.

For now, I guess I just suffer for another 24 years unless my guess is right. Unless I die of a sudden and unexpected stroke or heart attack before I’m 77, that’s about how old I expect to live as I’m guessing Tom will make it to around 85.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2018 My God, I’m so sick of Walmart begging for tips for their drivers every time we go to their site! Tipping is wrong. It should be the EMPLOYER’S responsibility to pay their employees. Not the customers. We pay for the goods. That’s enough.

All but one of the people I expected not to get a “happy birthday” from blew off my birthday. The only one that surprised me was Carolyn. I was blown off by some people I didn’t expect to be blown off by like Norma and Jessie, but they’re not very active on Facebook so they may have missed the notification. Adonis and Mitch shouldn’t have missed it but they do interact with me from time to time, so no hard feelings. So along with a couple of ghostly PBers, Kim and Eileen have been deleted. They’ll never notice.

Anne said she thought I was between 30-35. LOL, that’s the second PBer that thought that.

Last night I dreamed that the Twenties were still our neighbors only we lived in an apartment building. We were on the ground floor but they were a couple of apartments away. Even so, I could still hear all the annoying pounding of hammers and other tools as people came to upgrade their place.

It was also my birthday in the dream and I stepped outside my apartment when the mailman (I guess it was the mailman unless it was just left there by the door) gave me a 6-foot balloon which I knew came from McDonald’s because it had the McDonald’s logo on it. I was delighted and pleased and noticed that someone put a dozen or so tea bags in a pouch attached to the balloon. I had no idea who sent it but I knew they had to know me well enough to know I drink tea.

Then I was swimming in the ocean with the Twenties. I told them that even though my birthday was today and they weren’t that much older than me, I felt like they were my parents. LOL

Then I looked around and realized I couldn’t make out the shore in any direction because we’d swum so far out. Realizing it was going to be dark soon, we decided to head for shore in the direction we were pretty sure we’d come from.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2018 Going to do some writing before the planes get annoying. Haven’t been up in the early morning hours lately to know how they’ve been during those times, but for the last few nights, between 8 and midnight they’re annoying as hell. I think the commercials are actually worse than the small planes because the small planes are easier to drown out.

Damn, though! I can’t get any peace here day or night. I didn’t get up until noon and while I don’t think I heard any landscaping, I heard plenty of loud vehicles, including some asshole gunning his motorcycle which I could hear loud and clear over the treadmill I was on at the time, and sawing at the project junkies. I thought they were done with this latest project but I guess not. Thank God there’s no room for a garage over there because that’s something I could totally see them getting. Maybe they’ll build a patio enclosure instead.

Sure enough, when I commented on a post of Carolyn’s, she either “liked” or replied to everyone but me, so I deleted it. I’m not going to interact with those that don’t interact with me. Period. if I don’t hear from you, you don’t hear from me. Going to be tempted to lash out at Tammy and give her and her spoiled brats a true and honest piece of my mind when they blow off my birthday but I don’t want to piss them off while they know where we live. I’m almost positive they found us in Maricopa through Mary but when we leave here there isn’t going to be anyone they can go to for that information.

Jon waved to me when he was returning home and I was running down the hill in front of his place but by the time I realized who it was, he was pulling into his driveway so I didn’t wave back. I won’t delete him or Carolyn until we move. Believe me, they’ll want to delete me when I say what I have to say to Ray who will no doubt go to them about it. I just hope the old bastard is still alive when that time comes.

It was kind of funny to wake up to my first birthday message on Facebook today since it’s already my birthday in New Zealand, LOL.

Bet I can guess who won’t be wishing me a happy birthday, though. Let’s see… How about Kim, Eileen, Carolyn, Tammy and her narcissistic brats. Plus a couple of PBers. Eileen may surprise me though. On the 5th I’ll decide who to kick out.

I wonder if Jessie is aware that her son not only hates women except for one girl he calls Mary Jane but is a druggie as well. It’s obvious that his posts about “goodies” aren’t referring to chips and beer. I’m assuming he has his mother blocked from those posts, too.

The second book I bought with my credit was awesome. Brutal but chock-full of suspense. It was a book about an abused teenage girl whose parents make mine seem almost like they were saints and how she fights back and all that. Not sure if I like the last book I got because I haven’t read enough of it yet. It’s about a prim-and-proper girl who gets gang-raped and seeks revenge.

Despite the annoyances in life, I’m happy to say that I’m anxiety-free today and hopefully I won’t get super cold either. I’ve always been sensitive to cold but it seems pretty extreme even for me so I’m thinking that I’m still hypo and that’s why I sometimes feel like I’m utterly freezing no matter how much I bundle up. I put the portable heater in the master bedroom so that should help.

No bounding pulse tonight but I had that as well as a pulsing cramp at the base of my neck where it meets the chest on my left side. That went on for a few hours. While I may be in a good mood tonight, I definitely wasn’t last night but was determined not to get in one of my “whoa is me” moods and throw myself a pity party over how unfair life has been to me in the past. No, Tom could never cum and he never wanted to but how many other people would love and accept me the way he does? Yes, I went through a lot of emotional pain back when I thought I wanted a kid and he would string me along about it but he’s such a wonderful man in so many ways and I know that no human being is perfect.

I sometimes wonder if he was single when we met because of his lack of cumming and willingness to do anything about it. A lot of women back then who were in their mid-20s to mid-30s wanted marriage and kids. If he didn’t tell me about his problem upfront then he certainly didn’t tell them. It’s too bad men aren’t upfront about their sexual dysfunctions because if a woman really loves them, she’ll stick with them no matter what. I understand they may be embarrassed or may believe their problem will magically go away and work itself out on its own, but better to be upfront and find out who truly loves and accepts you rather than obtain and hang onto a woman through lies. Or at least through a lack of being upfront. I mean if you weren’t infertile, sooner or later one would make it up there, as most women probably know, but that could take years.

When I don’t feel well physically, especially when I feel anxious or down, I find myself thinking of my childhood. As shitty as it was, there are some aspects of it I sometimes miss and that were actually easier. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse, yes, but I didn’t have the kinds of fears I have now. I had things to look forward to that would be new and exciting, and well, there are just certain things about it I miss. Like how I would live more in the moment and have a sense of safety and security, however false much of it may have been.

I’m finding myself bored a lot lately. There’s never any shortage of things I could be doing, it’s just that I get tired of doing the same old things. I got bored with going through old journals to correct what were mostly small errors and realized that they weren’t meant to be perfect anyway.

Here goes the first plane so on goes my noise-canceling headphones because I’m not going to sit and listen to it every 10 to 15 minutes for 4 fucking hours. I know this is just the modern world almost everywhere but I just can’t seem to adapt to the constant sensory overload.

Wish I could get into playing “pretend.” You know, talk to someone I imagine being in the room with me like I used to do way back when. But I’m 53, not 10. So I can’t make it seem as “real.” Instead, I’d feel kind of foolish. I’ll relax in the dark and try it later maybe.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2018 Relaxing with my third and final cup of green tea. Definitely does seem to speed up the metabolism but I still don’t expect to lose more than a few pounds. Maybe, if anything, it will just make it harder for me to gain weight. :-)

I slept better last night even though I woke up a few times and felt better rested today. Even my arm from my flu shot isn’t as sore. I still get these weird feelings in my head at times, though, especially when I first stand up. Had a huge head rush earlier. Yesterday I found myself utterly freezing at times and I’m not sure if it had to do with the flu shot, my thyroid, or just my usual sensitivity to cold. I hate being cold and I’m so tired of it! I’d rather be annoyed with being sweaty and overheated if I can’t be comfortable.

Still keeping things pretty generic in my public journal, especially when it comes to my health and our purchases. Some of it anyway. I know one of my regulars hates Amazon and one time she left a comment saying, “Is there anything you wouldn’t buy?” and I didn’t know if she was teasing or critiquing me, and well, I don’t need anybody judging me. Just sharing with Aly because we know each other well and we don’t judge each other. She and I may not agree on everything but she’s smarter than most people and has a better memory than most people too. Also, if she asks me something, it’s because she’s curious, not judging me.

Well, that didn’t take too long. Alyssa’s pregnant. Don’t know when she changed her profile picture but in the picture, she looks just about full-term. Got to admit I’m kind of surprised and not just because of the times we’re living in but because she just seemed like such a career woman. Like she was really focused on that. I don’t understand how people with such demanding jobs as doctors have are able to make time for kids any more than celebrities. They’ll probably be raised mostly by nannies as many with money seem to seek out.

It really seems like she has it all. She can keep a schedule, she can drive, she’s obviously got a husband who can perform, full rights to her reproductive system, and a great career that pays fantastic. Can her life really be all that perfect? I’m sure there’s got to be some imperfections I can’t see but I honestly can’t believe that she’ll ever know a day in her life of what it’s like to be abused as a child, with sexually defunct people that you love but that doesn’t turn you on in ways that others have that you either don’t know or couldn’t possibly get, and I seriously doubt she’s ever known what it’s like to struggle financially or that she ever will.

She’ll never want for anything such as I have but if I suddenly wanted a kid as I did 20 years ago, I would definitely not give in to that desire with the way the world has become. If they’re even remotely right about the future effects of global warming, I don’t see why anyone would want to bring a child into the world. The overpopulation, the effects of climate change, a possible nuclear war that kills by the millions, maybe even billions… It would almost be selfish and cruel to bring a kid into that.

Again, it makes me wonder… Is there anything out there that has picked and chosen what does and doesn’t come our way? Why would it give some people everything, some people nothing, and some people a mix of good and bad if there was?

Imagine if her hormones left her depressed and anxious as hell, nothing she did helped make her feel better, tensions began between her and her husband, her sex life went to hell, and she suffered from lack of sleep and the immense demands of trying to juggle her home life with her career, and even lost some money or didn’t make nearly as much as she expected.

It will never happen, though. I get it, God, if You exist. You love her. She’s special to You. Some people are Your absolute number one pride and joy while others…eh, who cares, right?

Tom has gone to bed and now I’m left with high hopes of having a calm week and a series of annoying commercial planes. Felt a little wound up earlier and Tom feels certain that it’s just my typical Sunday night anxiety, knowing that he’s going to be gone the next five days.

I got a case of wine spritzers when we ran out to Safeway and drank half of one to see if it helps relax me. I only drank half because I don’t want to fall asleep too early since alcohol makes me tired and I’m not that bad now. The thing is that some things may make me drowsy, but they don’t take that anxious feeling out of the center of my chest. I still worry that I’m never going to find a solution and that I’m going to suffer on and off for the rest of my life. Very tough pill to swallow!

I’m also getting sick of this damn hip pain. The further into my day, the more it picks up. I’ll just suffer until bedtime which is a good 4 hours or so away, then I’ll take Ibuprofen as I have for several days now.

But yeah, imagine that Alyssa? Oh, I know I should be happy for you since no one deserves to suffer but still, I can’t help but not cry, “No fair!”

Anything you want, you just go right on up and get it. How about your husband suddenly having a low drive and being unable to squirt and actually glad that he can’t because he doesn’t want any more kids before you decide you don’t want anymore? How about being tortured by your own mind and body when everything is otherwise going well for you? How about having to make sacrifices because you don’t have enough money? How about feeling like a fucking freak because you can’t do the everyday things others can do, even if there is some good in that?

I can refuse to be anxious all I want and swear up a storm that I’m absolutely not going to let it get to me but it’s much more powerful than my strongest declarations of refusing to feel it and put up with it. It’s not up to me. I don’t rule it, it rules me. And sooner or later it’s coming back with a vengeance, probably during the week.

I’ve got a 4 PM appointment at the lab on Thursday so they can gather all my shitty numbers from my thyroid to my cholesterol. I don’t expect any issues with my red and white blood cell counts although the white will probably be slightly elevated as always. The question is what will my BP be when I see my doctors? I’m trying to lay off the sodium all I can but I’m having that damn bounding pulse right now. Can’t get an accurate BP reading so maybe it’s just anxiety.

The clear handles he got to replace the ones that broke in the shower were a little big so he took a hacksaw to them. Figured it was easier to just cut them than guess again at what size to order.

I had a dream I was on the beach that we used to go to every summer when I was a kid. The beach was deserted and I walked into the water up to my waist. It was still light enough to see well but in just a few seconds it was almost dark. I glanced over to where the dock was down to the right and thought about doing something I’d never done before and that was to walk past it on my own and see what was around the bend. But it was too dark. All I could make out were faint silhouettes of trees against the sky, not that there was any right by the dock.

Then I was in a swimming pool in the next dream when a little girl who was standing next to me said, “You’re a gymnast too,” as she flexed her leg straight up at her side.

I smiled, did the same (not that I ever could do such a thing), and jumped into the deep end of the pool. That’s when I began to drown. For some reason, even though I kept flapping and waving my arms to pull myself up to the surface, I just couldn’t reach it and woke up as I was running out of air.

The fuck is it with me and these dreams? I just don’t get why I have so many negative dreams. First some crazy woman wants to smother me with a pillow a couple of nights ago and then I’m drowning.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2018 Viva la Juicy will be my next and final perfume sample.

Not feeling great at all today but at least I’m not anxious… Yet. I haven’t been sleeping well since stopping the Amberen but as soon as I get anxious again and I see that it had nothing to do with it, I may take it again.

I woke up in the middle of my sleep and was unable to get back to sleep right away and had a bit of hip pain so I got up and took Ibuprofen and baby Benadryl. I don’t know if it’s because of taking the Benadryl in the middle of my sleep, because it causes me to sleep longer, or because my sleep was broken up, but just like last time, I woke up feeling tired and hungover. From now on, when I wake too soon I need to hope I fall back asleep on my own, just lie there, or get up.

Despite feeling out of it, we went to Rite Aid and got flu shots. I also picked up some green tea because it’s supposed to help aid the metabolism if you have something like 2 to 4 cups a day. I had a couple of cups today but nothing has helped yet.

When we got back I felt horribly cold even being bundled up and under the bedcovers. I’m just now starting to warm up. I get cold easily but this was extreme even for me, so unless I’m still pretty hypo, I wonder if it was related to the flu shot. I couldn’t find that listed as a side effect but fatigue is. I usually have next-day fatigue so even if I sleep better tonight, I may still be kind of out of it tomorrow but that’s okay. It’s okay to take a lazy weekend every now and then to just relax. If I had cleaning to do or some other plans then I might feel guilty lying around in bed all day. I’ve been in and out of bed all day and evening. I got my Bing points and checked in with friends but that’s pretty much it.

Now, after taking Ibuprofen for that damn hip pain and having some oatmeal, I’m starting to warm up. Really don’t understand this frustrating hip pain. The longer it goes on, the more I’m going to wonder if it could be arthritis of some kind. An injury is looking less likely and I haven’t been overdoing or underdoing the exercise. I still exercise 4-5 days a week.

It would be in my best interest not to get up before 10 tomorrow morning so I don’t want to take Benadryl before bed (to help me sleep more solid) until somewhere between 1 and 2 AM. Those fucking neck knockers are back too. Starting to think that’s more anxiety-related than due to blood pressure and sodium even though I feel calm now, but I don’t know for sure. I just dread the day the anxiety returns!

I’m disappointed that the planes have returned even though I knew they would. Last night it was small planes, tonight it’s commercials.

Got an adorable 18” gold lab statue lying with its head on its paws to place on the living room vent that the Roomba keeps getting stuck on. Should be here in a week or two.

More shitty dreams last night. I was thrown in jail in some foreign country. I don’t know why or what the country was. They spoke a language I didn’t understand. I stood by looking strangely innocent in this girly dress and my hair was in braids. I looked at the jailers as they chatted in this foreign language and then one of them spoke English.

“You speak English!” I exclaimed with relief. And then I told the guy I was worried I wouldn’t get my thyroid medication and would, therefore, slip into a coma.

Not sure what happened after that but in another dream, he and I moved to my home state. I was shivering with cold and saying, “What the fuck were we thinking?!”

I seemed to be on the street I spent my first 12 or 13 years on and for some reason, there was no working bathroom in the house. I had to walk down the street and around the corner to the bathroom. As I neared the end of the street, I contemplated zipping across the street to pee in the woods on the other side of it but didn’t want anyone in the corner houses to spot me and wonder why I was going into the woods.

[youmissedone]

“Maybe you’re right and I do know why,” she murmured, taking a step closer to him and gently pressing the keychain into his palm. “If it was anyone else, they would’ve thrown it away and moved on to someone new. Carlos… you make me feel real. I don’t know who Ada Wong is, but the keychain, the letters, the compact — it’s proof that she existed. It’s proof that she exists. That’s the difference between me and Carla Radames: I have you. She didn’t.”

Carlos was Ada’s alibi, in a way. He was the only person who could testify that something deeper existed beneath her carefully crafted and well-worn mask. He was the only person who saw that she was more than just the one facet she projected to the world, and that both terrified and thrilled Ada.

“It’s going to be hard for me,” she admitted, her voice thick with emotion, “to figure out who Ada is. Who I am. Carla made me realize that I have to know who that is. I don’t remember the girl I was when this all started, and I don’t know if I am who I believe I am. But I want to figure that out.”

Carlos would be by her side for all of it. She didn’t need to ask him for confirmation on that fact because he’d always stood by her. Even after she betrayed him time and time again, he still argued that she was a good person who deserved good things.

Ada embraced Carlos. She took a shaky breath, allowing herself to stay in his arms for a few moments before pulling away. Her fingers found the scar on his shoulder, and she lightly traced it, remembering the night when he’d gotten it. Ada had a scar in the same place. Maybe it was evidence that they’d made it this far. Maybe it was a story. Maybe it was something else entirely.

“I was right, you know. In Spain. The years have been kind to us, and we haven’t changed at all. You told me that you needed me to decide what I am to you, and I’ve decided.” Ada’s gaze flickered between Carlos’ deep brown doe eyes and his lips. She took his hand in hers. The slight shaking and sweatiness weren’t initially obvious, but Carlos might’ve noticed them. “I’m still not a good person, but I think we deserve this after the hell we’ve been through. A happy ending. I tied up all my loose ends, and I’m done being a spy. You only ever wanted me to stay, and I don’t want to lose what I have with you, so… I’m staying.”

With that, Ada stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to Carlos’ forehead.

_________

Carlos knew his sentimentality set him apart from others in his line of work, but he didn’t see it as a weakness. Instead, he thought it was especially important to keep his heart going amidst everything, and to make sure he didn’t lose his humanity in the process. Seeing the way Ada had reacted to him keeping the keychain she’d given him gave Carlos a warm feeling in his chest. Not only was he keeping his own heart alive, but maybe he’d managed to thaw out a bit of Ada’s as well. He wanted to do that, if he could, as much for himself as for her.

He knew she was scared about what she felt for him, and about what he might be feeling for her. Carlos hoped she could hold on, though, and just let it happen. Allow it, he wanted to say. Let it happen as it will, and maybe it won’t end up as badly as you’re afraid it will... That was the question, though, whether or not Ada would ever stick around long enough to give him a real chance. To give them a chance.

He nodded as she spoke of figuring out who Ada really was. He wanted that for her as well, and if she’d let him, he’d be right there to support her through the process. Regardless, though, he hoped that one day she would be able to understand herself better, outside of work or anything she’d built herself up into for the sake of infiltrating and spying. There were few worse private hells in this world, he knew, than not fully understanding oneself. Did she know that he’d be there for her through it all? He hoped so.

The embrace was unexpected, but not unwelcome. Carlos was just surprised that she’d do such a thing, since she very often kept him quite literally at arm’s length. Nevertheless, he returned the favor, wrapping his arms gently around her. He couldn’t help but smile as her fingers traced the scar on his shoulder. It was a meaningful one, and part of the whole story of this dance they’d been doing with each other for a long time now.

Suddenly he was aware of how... nervous she seemed. His brow furrowed, wondering why, but he didn’t have to for long. Soon, she was telling him that she’d finally decided what she was to him, and he honestly found himself growing a bit nervous. What if this was goodbye? What if this whole thing was just to thank him, bid him well, and walk away? He’d let her go, of course, as he always had in the past, but... somehow he felt like it’d hurt a bit more this time than it had all the other times. 

A lot had happened to them, and they deserved better. Both of us, Carlos thought, for he really didn’t see Ada as a bad person the way she always said she was. Facts were facts, and as far as he was concerned, it was a hard, solid fact that they both deserved some relief, some happiness, and some comfort, given all that they’d suffered throughout their lives and more recently.

And when she finally said those words Carlos longed to hear, that she was staying, a warm smile came to his lips as he watched her eyes. His own eyes closed when she kissed his forehead, and when they opened, they looked down at her hand holding his before flicking up to hers once more. A very vulnerable whisper of, “Thank you,” escaped him, and he lifted his other hand to her cheek, slowly leaving his own kiss on her forehead. Then his lips lowered to hers, grazing them softly, wondering if she’d allow him to give her a proper kiss now...

[chocolate-terminal]

You Only Live Twice

Really really cool thing as promised. Honestly, I think figuring that one out is part of the reason we met and had this crazy online correspondence.

Check it out even if you’re mad at me, this is a magic key for the rest of your life! (or at least toward understanding its full potential)

Knowledge can be rewritten! Bilocation At Last!

It’s Easy!

See, when I first figured out the split-solution from earlier, it actually came to me as ‘Knowledge can be rewritten’ but I couldn’t make quite make sense of it and ended up thinking I merely confused knowledge with memories.

Well, NOT ANYMORE! (Can I get a GG?)

The secret to living multiple lives at once? Multithreading!

See, when you look at a computer, it appears to be running multiple tasks at once. But that’s an illusion! In reality, it allocates processing power only to the task at hand, rapidly cycling between tasks. That’s the secret!

But see here the thing: The Processor is actually giving it’s processing power to each task. In living gent terms: The Person is actually processing both experiences!

Now you might wonder: But Darling, Man of My Dreams, Stealer of Nights, we are not computers, we are humans! Such a split experience would end up a confusing jumble of sounds and image, A doorway into insanity!

And to this I answer: Yes. 

But only if you have poor memory management.

See, from inside each context (’task’), you could simply experience no recollection of the previous context.

Still, this is imperfect right? Because while you could be with two person at once, for their greatest pleasure, you wouldn’t know it, and so would be locked inside each knowledge set, each part of you never knowing this part of itself. And so would they. Each thread never knowing the other, never knowing themselves. Spending half of forever as One, and yet strangers - Alienation.

Constantly missing the other, parched in the knowledge of them.

Well, that’s solved too! E.Z.

All you gotta do is recall your experience with the other person at some frequency. What matter is that you actually experienced being with them - YOU WERE THERE! - so it’s not fake, it’s not just a memory.

But wouldn’t this sort of obvious “magic” be disruptive to the way I experience my life?

Not necessarily

Recall can be every morning after you wake up or (much less disruptive) once at the end of your life. But there no need to wait that long for knowledge either. There can be conscious recall and unconscious recall.

I actually figured out multi-threading earlier but didn’t know how to handle the rapid-switching seamlessly, and more importantly, figured it would result in split-time, and so, not being able to give forever. And so rejected it. 

Because I thought in selfish selflessness that I could divide myself between those I love. What kind of love (whether inflowing or outgoing) would say yes to that?

I shall not split babes! 

You haven’t to worry, these shadowy fantasies matter little - You are here. We did not walk down that dark path.

Because even though half of endless time is still endless time, I thought it was still short of giving everything. Because it’s everything slower. A cut-rate everything. Always lagging.

Now I know that sometimes, to be with someone is not to be with them. That this is how we can give them the opportunity to discover all that they are - and even if they don’t need that per se - perhaps we need that - and that is how we give them the opportunity to connect with us in this way rather than according to some pretty picture of how we (or they) think we ought to be.

Because back then I was foolish enough to believe that a love divided in time meant a love divided; Period. Because I thought that love was within rather than between.

Only the knowledge of love is within.

We are not merely what we know ourselves to be. I know that now. So... let’s find out!?

[speedystarshine]

Hi!! If your requests are open,can you please do polyam yandere!Noco(Noah and Cody) x Reader relationship headcanons? Their from total drama btw! But if request are closed please delete this!!

Ofc ofc! Poly?? Noco??? 😳💍???

Good luck trying to escape like. Ever lmfao

-No but seriously, good luck. They make a pretty good team usually, but add you into the equation? They put in their all.

-Noah is usually the ‘mastermind’ behind things, setting up your handcuffs room and ways to get you to them. 

-I feel like Cody would be the more stalkerish type? Like, trying to figure out what you like and whatnot for your new room!  

-When they finally bring you home (read: kidnap you), get ready to be smothered 24/7.

-Seriously, you won’t be left alone for a second. Want to eat? Here, Cody can feed you! It’s what couples do, right? Want to read? Sure, just let Noah sit with you. He is the bookworm after all, he’ll have plenty of recommendations.

-It gets even worse at night. The two of them will have a firm grip on you, forcing you into this strange little cuddle pile cocoon for the night.

-They both have their own ways of manipulating you, I feel like Cody would lean (sometimes unintentionally, but only because he genuinely thinks they’re right and what they’re doing is okay:() towards guilt tripping, constantly making puppy eyes and using the excuse of “Well, this is what couples do!” while Noah would be towards infantilizing you, mainly through small comments like how they always have to help you and how you should just leave everything to them.

-If you constantly reject their advances though, that’s when things start getting tense.

-Their patience will run thin, after a while. They’re only human! This is the only part where they actually don’t agree with things? Noah thinks that some isolation would be good for you, whereas Cody just thinks that they haven’t shown you enough love. This is the only time they actually yell at each other :(

-Eventually they do decide on Noah’s idea. After all, they’ve given you so much, so how about they take it away for a little bit hmm?  (Actually kinda wanna write a fic on this..)

-However, if you accept, it’ll be a lot better. I mean, you have two loving, doting boyfriends, what more could you want?

-Constant cuddle time. That is all-

Is it obvious I love these two sm 😭