#only time will tell though lol
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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substitute
#my art#daycare attendant#dca fandom#moondrop#<- dca.. they're back in town ...#not tagging sun bc thats just their head :p#anywayyy hopefully this means something to someone. that's all i could ever wish for when it comes to my art#thats probably a bit too sentimental or something but sometimes it's hard to tell if the stuff you make is actually reaching people#or if you're just another person making content to satiate an insatiable crowd#is my art edible? is it a meal to you? is it a one time only thing? does it have any lasting effect on you?#is it just nutrients to sustain you? or is it something that will genuinely stick to you for at least longer than the first second?#i will stop talking now. you can eat my art as much as you'd like but can you at least savor it a little? compliment the chef a little bit?#for the ones who've read this far: this is actually for an AU i've been thinking about recently. i won't be sharing what it's about lol#but if you wanted some context for this... here you go. i'd like to think this has more meaning to it than just being an AU though#and maybe me not disclosing what the AU is will make you think about this post for a bit longer? it's a mystery now....#aaaand i just noticed i forgot the bells on the ribbon on their arm. great. excellent. perfect. whatever
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dilf detected!
wonderful comic made by @cuppajj !! oughhh he/she spice is so real
[i sincerely apologize for every burning spice enjoyer ever i BUTCHERED his voice even though he said TWO WORDS. deep male voices hate me, gender ambiguous voices want me]
#cookie run kingdom#crk#burning spice cookie#shadow milk cookie#eternal sugar cookie#suicide joke#you can tell i struggled to do such a deep voice LMFAOOOO if only i was able to voice my disgusting little he/she wife better </3#alas. afab curse. whateva. seeing this post for the first time made me giggle UNCONTROLLABLY.#btw: unsure if OP said it could be tagged as a ship#so i'd just check the original link first lol. i'm unsure (even though i as the dubber ship them. for sillies)
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Anyone still calling late game Katsuki an abuser in 2024 is just not paying attention. Full stop.
#bkdk#bakudeku#every time I see an anti post they try to define bkdk shippers as just masking their hate of Izuku#or as inappropriately labeling them as childhood friends and that being the basis of the whole ship#or as of acting on the hand hold scene LIKE KATSUKI DID FOR ELEVEN PLUS YEARS IN CANON without realizing that it went sour that first time#or as abuse apologists#they like to whittle katsuki down to the black and white bully even now#in 2024#after everything he’s done#all the growing#they like to whittle Izuku down to a helpless child who can’t find it in himself to stand up for himself#even though canon Izuku not only tolerates Katsuki’s moods#he appreciates him and understands him#and finds joy in being around him#literally I get it if you see them as platonic only#that’s so super chill and an excellent dynamic#but people throwing hate at bkdk shippers only ever out themselves as not understanding or comprehending or even knowing the source material#at all#on the surface Katsuki yells at izuku for literally nothing and it definitely rubs you the wrong way if you are only paying surface level#attention#but after dvk pt 2 he literally only yells because it’s familiar#it’s easier to respond that way than to cope with the guilt that’s eating him alive whenever he sees how happy Izuku is just to be around h#he’s flustered#he’s got a crush#but doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand what it is or how to deal yet#Katsuki Bakugo is a flawed character who puts in the work to change and if you’re not acknowledging that you are not paying attention#anyway#lol the post a while ago that said ‘if you ship bkdk just admit you hate Izuku and move on’??????#lol I love him so much AND I ship bkdk because canon tells me that’s what he wants#at least I’m paying attention enough not to think he has to be babified
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Attention milgramblrgram prisoners!! *attaches you to my keychain* *attaches you to my keychain* *attaches you
Not that I need atonement for anything, but I've been doing a lot of angst for milgramblrgram -- I wanted to offer something sweet 🤲
@amugoffandoms @rainbowghostcat @lostxmelody @gunsli-01 @justzosiahere
@waivyjellyfish @luce-speaks @fayesdiary @purgemarchlockdown @kyanako5972
#milgramblrgram#this was so fun waaaahhhh#everyone came out so cute :3#btw if anyone has any design changes lmk#ive been using the same doodle/picrew references so dont be afraid to tell me im off lol#i know the plushies have a range of expressions but i didnt want anyone to be upset with a mad/sad/scared look#was inspired by kyanakos art of her holding the amane plush and i was thinking about the reverse#so anyway you all must imagine your fave(s) with a you plushie :3#i thought itd be fun seeing waivydoll in a different doll style but the sudden change in eyes is jarring.... shes Looking... 👁👁#im not sure how notts ears would work with the little felt cutout style they have -- i was kind of picturing them full of stuffing too :)#who knows if my milgramblrgramsona has glasses - i only remember to draw them like half the time asdfgh#it was easy to remember in Group Glasses Pic though 😅 rip to all of us blind milgrammers#my art#EDIT: now with a more accurate nott design! :D#i hadnt seen their sona art before and i still got a bit far from the other mlgbg art -- sorry for the bootleg plushie before 😂😂😂#😺✨️
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10-year age-gap akeshu AU in which, after an especially bad night, 16-year-old akira’s family situation has degraded so irreparably that he finally runs away to tokyo, like he’s always planned to. still in bad shape from his escape, he gets reluctantly picked up by a woman not that much older than him and recuperates at her apartment, where he meets her very hostile, very overprotective son.
it takes a while for 6-year-old goro to realize that akira isn’t one of his mother’s usual “clients”. despite akira’s flight-or-fight instinct button-mashing RUN out of fear of stagnating in one location for too long, in typical joker fashion, he stays with the akechi family to help them through hard times—praising and pampering goro when his mother is too tired to acknowledge him, and pulling mamakechi back to reality when she teeters between picking her poison: a rope hung from the rickety ceiling fan, a long, cold bath, a step off the balcony… he’d barged into their life a year before things would have broken permanently, and patiently patched up the cracks that would have deepened into permanent fissures.
goro in particular takes a liking to the new addition in their household. akira is the only other person he has met who treats him so nicely and gently and attentively—even more so than his own mother. he always seems genuinely happy to see goro come home from school, and frequently offers to take goro out on “adventures” to tour museums, visit aquariums, pet the alley cats, and so on. with him around, goro doesn’t have to wait at the bathhouse anymore. he grows to revere akira as the darling guardian angel his mother had brought home just for him.
in the end, having satisfied the selfless side of his nature, the selfish side has akira running away once again. he thinks his role has been fulfilled, and that he shouldn’t keep disrupting a family that isn’t his. he couldn’t have been more wrong.
and so, goro grows up with a doting mother and an awful, gaping hole where half of his heart should be. that is, until he meets a familiar stranger in Mementos—then again, in an innocuous coffee shop halfway across tokyo.
#tw suicide#akeshu#明主#ft. goro hunting down his flight-risk wife and tying him down with a ring#akira is in disbelief that someone as talented and accomplished and shiny as goro is deadset on some random barista “past his prime”#except to goro akira has only grown more attractive with age#of course mamakechi would be OVERJOYED to see her “roommate” again#even happier to have him as an in-law! now he can't run away ever again!! family hotpot time!!!#she might beef with sojiro for snatching away akira though... murder mom vs coffee dad. who will win#i created this AU bcus i grew bored of daydreaming about my other ones while i fall asleep#except it was so fun to think of that i ended up losing three hours of my sleep...#can u tell i have a huge soft spot for mamakechi LOL
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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Oh, for a skeleton key…
Plus a digital mockup to simulate a red ink pass that i discovered could not be achieved well enough with the materials available to me, and the original pencils.
#baldur's gate 3#astarion#fan art#ink drawing#inktober#(i guess eehehe)#i drew him for funsies and sent him on his merry way to lands unknown(the postal system)#i expressed my initial anxiety about drawing his face properly to a friend who rightfuly observed that his head IS yoshiko shaped#wonderful shape. 10/10. the jacket….#was a labor and a half lol#worth it for the bestie though lol#i would draw him so he could look at his vain self#i wanna see if i can get that artist guy in game to paint him lol#i’m only in act two at the time of typing#still one of my fave interactions with him:#‘i dont want a freaking poem#just tell me i’m hot’#astarion… buddy… look at me…. i’m a god damn bard how could you say these things to me?#my craft!!#Pointy bastard mean girl hungry boy crime time murder elf.
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You could have just had Kinich making NORMAL vines to pull himself around, and have Ajaw be a tiny yellow dragon who ISN'T flat and pixelated. You didn't have to do... whatever this is. Why are they 8-bit?? Who thought that was a good idea??
#story wise#ajaw has the most interesting personality by far#and while kinich wouldve been boring#on his own#he and ajaw are a perfect duo#all you need to do is not fuck up#their story quest#and relationship to enjou#to make them my favorites#in terms of actual canon#(aka it doesnt bump kachina down#bc she was already handled poorly lol)#though that could still be too much to ask#only time will tell i guess#genshin impact#genshin impact critical#genshin kinich#genshin ajaw#my post#actually#on second thought#they could fuck it up a little#and still be my favorites#bc i feel like the aq will be fucked up worse#and with more boring characters#while their quests will have enjou no matter what
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cried at work, decided enough is enough and opened Google Docs to write fanfic on company time ( ੭•͈ω•͈)੭
Naoya smut save me...... save me Naoya smut.....
#it was only a matter of time honestly lol it's fine now#all tears on corporate are wasted imo#once again coming out of a writing slump fueled by spite ig??#though i wasn't expecting the Zen'in no 1 yapper to show up first at my door when thinking about what and who to write#then again of course he would lmao#anyway if you're reading this tell me something nice about your day!!#lale.txt
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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Well.
#(I'm back)#It was. Uhm. A chapter#First of all: I'm ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL to the person who sent me the translation basically as soon as the chapter came out.#I even did like 90% of typesetting but didn't finish it because I had to go out#(aka with my friends were literally knocking out at my room and I couldn't make it any more late lol)#Mixed feelings about it? Mostly because there's so much exposition... I'll need to reread it another three times before it sinks in#The color page is AMAZING 10000000000000/10 I love my sskks so much they're so cute I love them so much they're so cute.#Easily the best part of the chapter.#The color page was? Very very pretty too? Like a lot more than usual if you ask me! I can't wait for the volume cover 🥺🥺#It should come out soon shouldn't it? Usually color spreads / pages open the volume...#Akutagawa fake dying again is funny. Like it isssss but also. Idk it's a little lame how we're changing the pov from ss/kk again :/#I can't even tell if I'm being biased or if it's an actual storytelling critique. I don't care right now I just want to see Akutagawa–#being cool rather than. You know. Dead on the ground.#That said! It's also very funny and touches my sense of humor precisely.#Like yeah Akutagawa being like the second strongest pm member and overall one of the most powerful ability user in the world–#that everyone fears (and I know he is! He is indeed for real!)#And yet he always ends up face to the ground 😂😂😂 Like if we don't count the ss/kk fights he literally only ever won against Hawthorne.#And even then he failed to kill him and Mitchell. It's so funny to me. I love him. He's so pathetic#“Wow! Akutagawa is so cool and invincible now!” *ends up biting the dust not even two chapters later*#It's okay because I love him. He's very very powerful and he's also very very pathetic I love that for him#That said :/ I don't really care about Fukuzawa :/ Idk :/ Like :/#Don't get me wrong I LOVE Fukuzawa (I don't. I'm mostly neutral towards him) but this is the ss/kk moment man :/ Whatchu doin#That's about it. Let's see what the next chapter brings!#Everything accounted for I'm glad there wasn't like. A ss/kk kiss or any other big big ss/kk moment#(although Atsushi admiring Akutagawa and thinking about his eyes has its fair share of neatness to it!!)#Because with everything going on this evening I really would have been let down to miss it#But I keep hope for the next chapters!! Please...#random rambles#Had tons of fun typesetting! Even though I don't think there's a point in posting it now. But would love to do it again in the future!#bsd spoilers
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hey if u guys r sad about ofmd and want another show with gay people to watch you should consider watching Deadloch. It’s really good it’s really really good uh it might get a second season if the creators decide to do that.
if you watch good omens you’ll be able to watch Deadloch they’re on the same service. Uhhhh One of the actors from ofmd is there shes one half of the main duo (the other half is played by Kate Box who’s an amazing actor and Dulcie is now one of my fav characters ever) gets to wear an open Hawaiian shirt for like 3 of the 8 episodes which is a bonus. It’s extremely gay and it’s fun and beautifully written and no queer characters die and it’s satisfying and funny and Please watch it I’m begging you please watch itPLEASE
#ofmd#deadloch#PLEASEEEEEE please Im begging Im on my hands and my knees PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW#It’s not shy about being gay it practically opens with gay sex ok please pleaseee watch it#It’s got so many amazing characters every character is so well written it’s a detective satire that ends on a pretty openly anti cop note#The main characters work so well together and the actors have such good chemistry and the storytelling is so good and well done#Literally my only my singular criticism of the entire show is that I think the lighting in some scenes could be brighter so you can#Actually tell what’s going on bc it’s sort of hard to at certain points#THATS MY ONLY CRITICISM AT ALL ITS THAT GOOD#Ive watched it 10 times now I’m still finding new stuff and connecting things it hasn’t gotten old yet#It’s seriously like unironically a masterpiece of a show. I would like it just as much if everything else was the same but the characters#Were straight#Though given how much of it is tied to gay and specifically lesbian culture it would be sort of hard to do that LOL#but still. like hypothetically. If it was straight I would not like it any less I would still be just as crazy about it
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you: nicholas alexander chavez, the actor from ryan murphy's recent work
me, a mama's girl and daytime tv viewer:
#text post#general hospital#nicholas alexander chavez#spencer cassadine#sorry i'm still not over my shock at this lol#i remember asking my mom MONTHS ago (she follows general hospital news online) 'hey wheres spencer i havent seen him in awhile?'#'oh his character died off. the actor is doing some netflix show where he plays a murderer'#and you have to understand. i dont consume anything to do w true crime. but to my 63-year-old mother. ryan murphy doesnt exist#so bc of just how self-contained the archaic institution of network soap operas are. i just. idk i didnt assume it was a big role#it didnt register to me that it was the sequel to the dahmer show. is what i am saying. and i never thought about it again#mommy made it sound like he might be coming back bc soap opera characters fake-die all the time#and so i put the thought out of my head until completely independently i was watching a video about monsters: menendez being flawed#and i was like. going absolutely insane w how familiar he looked i was like 'ok i know that man cant be too famous but i KNOW him'#'i know him from something and i know him WELL from something. like whatever hes from is iconic to me'#and then the video creator said his name and i was like THATS INSANE WHERE DO I KNOW THAT NAME??!?!??#it's a name i read in the credits but probably never thought in my head at all bc sorry he's just spencer to me#so i googled it and i was gobsmacked. i was like MOM DIDNT SAY he was gonna be in THIS SHIT!?!?!?#i also do lay my life down on the defense that the cinematography of a prestige netflix drama makes him less recognizable to me#who knew him best under cheap soap opera lighting in basic back and forth dialogue shots. like#i have to be honest i never cared for his looks on gh bc he just kinda looked like too perfect. like he looked like a mannequin#i see it now though i get it#i get why he's very fan editable to the true crime girlies i get it#not that it matters. im just in mourning bc it never occurred to me the spencer era was over. i actually liked his character#i cant tell u why bc he wasnt all that distinguishable from all the other basic dramatic character archetypes. idk it was a good performanc#i cant explain to u what makes a soap opera character distinct while still being completely generic (they all are)#i also liked his relationship w his girlfriend in the show it was cute. he was evil but they were sweet#nicky please come back. im begging u. as your only general hospital era fan who is your age#i dont wanna watch monsters menendez i reeeeeally dont
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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