#only my mom and bf see me have breakdowns and stuff

[ghosthart]

when will i find a job that doesn’t ACTIVELY try to push me out and make me quit out of frustration or feeling overwhelmed like i actually like my job but they never listen to me when i say i need to do sales floor for my mental health cuz every job i’ve had i end up quitting with no notice just stop showing up cuz i can’t do it anymore and have a meltdown and i rlly don’t want to leave this job cuz it fits me so well IF they would let me do sales floor but they literally REFUSE to switch my primary job so i’m like wtf do u want then?? me to just quit??

[fallen-faerie]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[imeverywoman420]

I’m sorry I need to say this to someone . Please bare with me.

So I’m 21 and I’m late to the whole relationship/dating stuff. I never had an actual boyfriend or anything. My parents are super religious people and when my mom found out I had a ‘bf’ in middle school her reaction was so bad that it literally traumatized me. In hs all my crushes never liked me and I was too shy/scared to do anything. Entered college and shit closed down, online school, no actual chance of meeting someone. So I never had an actual bf. People started making me feel bad so I download tinder, met someone, and we started to like each other . Something happened were we took a break and since I don’t know how tf to handle relationships emotionally I freaked out and had a breakdown to my bff. He helped me and everything but me and the guy started talking again. I told my bff and he’s like “your so easy and I’m disappointed in u” and it hurt me. I’m like “I’ll be more mature next time something happens” but I just feel dumb and lost cuz I have no idea how any of this works. Everything is just happening so fast. When me and my guy stopped talking I thought it was over forever and gave a BJ for the first time to some random guy and I feel so guilty and messy now. This past week has felt like a year. I wish my life went differently and I had some past experience like normal people when I was younger. I feel like the girl in black swan when she goes crazy goes she’s emotionally and socially stunted and does adult stuff too quickly.

Me too sister…

Like not exactly but yeah ive pretty much been there.

I have never had a serious bf either only one in high school that lasted like 2 months and like. Even then as a 16 year old my lack of romantic experience caused problems in that relationship. Cause he just like. Expected me to know the rules and shit??? Like idk how to rxplain lmao.

What do we even do. Like searching for stuff like self help dating advice gives you nothing. Its just “raise ur standards girl!”

Ok but. What does that even mean. Actionably. And where the hell am i supposed to find this like magical “correct” man

All dating advice for women kinda assumes theres already a guy pursuing you or like. You live in an area where you actually like. See men your age that are at least 6’s on a daily basis. Like its completely non actionable it means nothing and doesnt help anyone. Like oh i need to love myself before i can be in a relationship? Wheres the evidence of that. Literally none. There are so many people more dysfunctional than me uglier than me etc in relationships. Like that is NOT the problem. Theres something deeper.

[pikapikabishes]

It's Okay Now(Kirishima x gn!Reader)

Disclaimer: all characters rightfully belong to their original creators, only thing that is mine is the plot. Also do not copy my writing. Thank you

Summary: Class 3A's Y/n was having a jolly day hanging out with the BakuSquad, including her amazing bf of over 6 months, Eijirou Kirishima, even with all the stress piling up, like a shaken soda bottle ready to burst, until said explosion finally happened. Triggered by the littlest, probably stupidest event

Warnings: anxiety (?), panic attacks, not eating for days, mentions death, suggestive themes, a bit of swearing

Mentions: mental breakdown, overworking oneself, starvation, hyperventilating, ugly crying, kiri being absolutely biggest sweetheart, daddy!Kiri breifly

A/n: this is my first fic on Tumblr so please be nice, and if you enjoyed it, like and comment

Everything hurt. My head, my eyes, my chest, my mind. I don't even know what happened. One minute I'm perfectly fine, having a good time with my friends, the next I'm in this situation.

Im sitting in the middle of my dorm on the floor, crying and sobbing over the smallest thing. I admit being stressed with everything going on in my life; with upcoming school exams , training every single day to improve my ultimate moves, and the biggest clicher... my dad's passing a couple months prior.

This whole time I've just been bottling it all up, trying my hardest to put up a brave front as to not worry my mom, who already has a lot on her plate, my friends and boyfriend, Kirishima. To be frank, I haven't even told my class or Kiri, keeping a bright smile as to not hint them in on my life crashing down around me. Some days are easy to keep up my smile, to let my mind focus on something else, and then there are harder days when everything reminds me of my dad.

I was real close to him, we did a lot of fun stuff together; going to amusement parks, going out to see movies we both were really excited to watch, going out to eat at our favorite restaurants.

It still doesnt feel real after all this time. It felt just like yesterday he was perfectly fine, we were celebrating my grandma's birthday, and literally the next day, I find him stiff and eerily still in his bed. And then everything crashing down on me as the paramedics regretfully tell me that my dad was no longer of this world, when I sob into the phone to my mom that my dad was gone, when I listened to my grandma's wails as my mom told her of her son's passing.

It all felt so surreal, like if I go over to see my grandma at her house, I'll see my dad sitting there in the living room, greeting me with his smile and warm hugs and kisses.

I sob harder as I remember all the times we watched Disney movies and me crying at some scenes as my dad happily comforts me. Buying me a toy from one of the movies I adored at the time. Him gifting me a puppy when he moved into a new neighborhood and I didnt have anyone to play with.

My head's pounding, a deep pressure in my brain, as I clutch tightly to the same doll he bought me all those years ago. My screams silent as I try to keep my classmates from finding me in such a pathetic state and worrying about me, my brain not processing that everyone was still at school. I fought to take control of my emotions again, wanting to be strong for my mom, grandma, and my friends. Unknowning of the pace of my breathing as I desperately tried to grasp my emotions.

My stress and anxiety climbing higher with each panicked breath. All those late nights I stayed up studying as much as I can for the midterm exams, catching up to me. I even forsaken eating as to study so I can at least get a passing grade. And the times I didnt spend studying was spent training to try and get my mind to focus on anything rather than fully face the reality that I no longer live in a world with my dad in it.

When was the last time I had a fulfilling meal? Three days?? And the time before that?? I dont even remember, the pounding in my head preventing me from thinking too much. All I can think about is what caused this stupid meltdown in the first place, my frustrations climbing higher with my stress and anxiety.

~~~

Today was one of those days where it was hard to keep up my smile for people. In an attempt to cheer myself up, I made myself the same lunch my dad and I used to make together for later, excited to eat as this was my first actual meal in days.

As I stroll down the hallways to meet up with Kiri and the rest of the BakuSquad, someone in a rush, bumps into me full force, causing me to fall and drop my lunch on the floor. I only had a moment to grieve as I see my precious lunch splattered all over the floor before the person that bumped into me uttered a measly, rushed "sorry" before hurrying on their way, stepping my lunch in the process.

I stayed there in my position on the floor, looking at my lunch with grief. I know it was stupid to start crying over something that can be replaced with something else that Lunch Rush made, but there the crocodile tears were. My heart and mind had wanted that lunch.

Without thinking I got up and ran out of school and towards the dormitories, deaf to the calls of my fellow 3A classmates and the incoming call on my phone.

~~~

I was brought back to the present by the sound of pounding coming from my dorm door. I was still fighting for control, not able to send a reply without my sobs mixing in with my voice.

"Y/n? Are you okay?" A familiar voice sounded through the door. Of course it would be Kiri to be checking up on me. "I tried calling you to see where you were, but you didn't answer. Tsuyu told me she saw you running off upset when I went to go looking for you."

For some reason I sobbed harder, barely able to keep quiet.

"Princess/Prince, please tell me what's wrong, I'm getting really worried."

He stayed quiet for a moment, anxiously waiting for my response. And of course my body betrays me when an ugly sob wracks through my very being, unable to quiet it down.

"Princess/Prince, are you crying?!" Kiri's voice carried his panic and worry. "I'm coming in!" He warned before slamming the door open.

I barely raised my head to meet his worried crimson eyes as his giant frame took up most of the doorway, frozen. His expression falls at the sight of the giant crocodile tears running down my face, distress written all over my expression.

Without saying anything, he rushed over to my side, his big, warm hand landing on my back, immediately rubbing gentle circles as to comfort me.

"Baby, what's wrong? Tell me," he asked, voice trying to soothe me. I shook my head, unable to say or utter a word and I dropped my head again, breathing erratic. "You're hyperventilating, baby. You need to try and calm down a bit."

More sobs was the only thing I responded with. Hearing some shuffling, a moment passed before a soft calming melody sounded through the storm in my mind, along with the sound of gentle falling rain. It was the same several hour music track that I would usually listen to when something was bothering me.

I've always loved the sound of falling rain and ocean waves.

Kiri dropped his phone to the floor, letting the music wrap us in its soothing melody. He brought his hand to my cheek to gently bring my face up and face him. His expression sad as he gets a better look at my distraught, of the crocodile tears streaming down my face, of the deep sadness in my eyes.

Letting his other hand to join my face, he gently wiped away my tears as I tried to control my breathing. "Baby, you have to calm down. It's okay now, I'm here," he said in a gentle voice, bringing me up onto his lap, and wrapping his strong arms around me.

I clutch onto his uniform jacket, burying my face into his chest as I sobbed away, ruining his uniform with my tears and snot.

He gently rocked the both of us, bringing one of his hands up to my head as he softly brushed his fingers through my hair. "Shhh, baby. It's okay. It's okay," he whispered in my ear.

I don't know how long we sat there, listening to falling rain, Kiri rocking us, whispering calming words into my ear before my breathing was back to normal and my sobs turning into sniffles. Even long after I've calmed down, Kiri still held onto me tightly, grounding me from the storm whirling in my mind.

Only when I lifted up my head from his chest to look up at him did he give me a soft smile, reaching up to brush away strands of hair from my face and eyes. Then, Kiri reached over to his phone, pausing the music before turning back to me.

"Feeling better?"

I slowly nodded my head, my voice hoarse as I finally managed to give a reply, "Yeah, a little bit."

"What happened back there?" Kiri asked, his brow furrowed in worry.

Tears were already welling up in my (e/c) eyes, my bottom trembling as I fought to hold back the tears. Kiri reached up one hand to hold my chin, his thumb softly brushing my bottom lip.

"Please baby, I hate seeing you so distraught," he told me, eyes full of concern as he continued to stroke my bottom lip, as if trying to coax the words to come out, to explain what was paining me so much so he can fix it.

"I-" I stuttered, sniffling back the tears. "I miss him."

"Miss who, baby?" Kiri asked, confused.

"M-my dad," I said, voice now shaky as the tears started falling again. "I m-miss him so much."

Kiri seemed to come to the conclusion that I might have only been extremely homesick. "Why dont you go visit him today then? It's Friday, so you can just stay with him for the weekend."

I violently shook my head. "I-I can't."

"Why not, baby?" He started stroking my back again to try and comfort me.

"H-he died! Two months ago!" I sobbed, pressing my face to his chest again.

"Oh fuck. Shit, I am soo sorry baby. Why didn't you tell me?" Kiri asked, hugging me tightly to him. "I would've been there for you."

"I-I didn't w-want to w-worry y-you," I cried.

Kirishima started rocking us both again, his grip on me tighter as if trying to hold me together. "Of course I'm going to be worried baby. I have been worried about you. I noticed you've been distancing yourself for a while now, but I didn't want to make you talk when you weren't ready. God, I'm so unmanly, not realizing that you were in so much pain all this time." He placed his hand on top of my head. "I am sooo sorry, baby."

I sniffled, shaking my head. "D-Don't be. I w-was the one who d-decided not to t-tell any of you g-guys. I-it's not your f-fault."

"But why didn't you tell us baby? You know we all would've been here for you."

I shrugged. "I-I just wanted to be s-strong for y-you guys. I d-didn't want to w-worry any of you."

"Oh, babe." He pulled back enough to look at me. "You are strong. But it's okay to lean on us, on mee. Just because you're crying, doesn't make you weak. You're mourning, and its okay to cry when you're mourning. It just shows how close you are with your dad and how much you're missing him."

"But... But it feels like my fault though," I cried.

"What do you mean?" His brows furrowed again in confusion.

"I... I was there that night. The night he passed." I wiped at the tears even though it was fruitless with how the tears continued to fall. "We were all happily celebrating my grandma's birthday. We were all laughing. And I went to sleep a bit late that night. I noticed how his was position in his bed when I got up to use the bathroom, but I didnt think any of it. My dad sits in that position sometimes, and I know that he goes to sleep way later than me. And when I woke up at 11 the next morning because of my grandma calling for me, I got up to see what she needed. You remember, that my grandma cant really move around that well anymore?" I asked him.

Kiri nodded his head, remembering that I helped my grandma when the two of us had dinner with my dad and grandma. "So when I got up and headed towards her room, I saw my dad in the same position. But figured he must've just fallen asleep... Then I went to use the bathroom after helping my grandma, and when I looked closer, I noticed how swollen his feet were. I... I knew my dad was always sick and his legs getting swollen all the time, but... I-I just didnt think I'd find him like that." I cried, covering my mouth as another sob wracked threw me. "Vomit... All over the blankets and his bierd... A blood clot hanging from his nose-"

"Shhh, its okay, baby" Kiri hushed me, rubbing my back, "If it's too much for you, you don't have to explain anymore."

After waiting for my breathing to stabilize again, I continued, "I... I just feel like if I had checked up on him before I went to bed... Maybe... Maybe the paramedics would've been able to save him..."

Kiri grabbed onto my shoulders to pull me away so as to look me dead in the eyes with a stern look. "Y/n, listen to me. It is not your fault," he said firmly. "Okay? It is not your fault. Sometimes these things happen."

"But-" I started, but he cut me off.

"No but's. Okay? I know I havent known him as long as you, but I could tell from the first time I met him that he was soo proud of you. And probably still is." His words made me cry harder, my bottom lip trembling again as I tried to pull myself together in front of this amazing man in front of me. "There's no need to beat yourself up over this," Kiri said, pressing a kiss to my forehead as I started bawling my eyes out again. Kiri started rocking us again, holding me tight as I let out all my sadness and anguish.

"Shhhh... It's okay... Everything's will be okay..." He mumbled in my ear. "Let it all out."

We stayed like that for the next hour as I let out all my suffering, the scent of his cologne, the comforting words, and the sound of the music track all lulling me to sleep, my mind and body too heavy to fight it off.

~~~

I woke up to a dark room, the sun long gone over the horizon. I blearily blinked my eyes open, feeling my tears dried over the skin of my cheeks. All of a sudden, a warm hand slides under my shirt, rubbing a thumb on my stomach. A face was then buried into the back of my neck, a soft pair of lips kissing at the skin.

"Morning beautiful/handsome," came Kiri's sleep filled voice

"Mmnn what time is it?" I mumbled.

Kiri pulled away for a moment, turning to reach behind him for presumably his phone on my nightstand. Squinting at the glare of the phone, Kiri gave me an answer, "7 o'clock at night, so its just about dinner time." Dropping his phone back onto the nightstand, he resumed his position of spooning me, completely dwarfing my body with his giant frame. "You haven't ate lunch right?"

I shook my head. "Or breakfast. Or dinner last night. Or any meals for the past few days."

"What?" Kiri shot up, glaring down at me. "And the time before that?"

I shrugged, my brain too drained to think of a solid answer. "Couple days."

"Y/n!"

"I know, I know. I shouldn't be skipping my meals everyday. I should eat at least once a day."

"Is that why you look thinner? Cause you've been skipping your meals??!"

I shrug at him. "I was busy studying for the midterms. Besides I never went 3 days without eating something."

"That's not the point!" Kiri rubbed his hand down his face before looking at me with worry. "You shouldn't be skipping any meals or overworking yourself like this." He reached over to brush a lock of hair away. "Babe, my heart hurts at the thought of you not taking care of yourself."

I place my hand on top of his, leaning into his touch. "I know... I'm sorry. I didnt mean to worry you like this. I just... couldn't come to terms with reality so I busied myself to make me forget the pain. On the bright side I came up with this new, awesome ultimate move I've been dying to show you," I said with some excitement, trying to cheer him up.

He scowled sternly at me for a moment before sighing, shaking his head, any trace of worry and frustration gone from his face as a small smile took over his lips. "Alright fine." But then the stern look came back as he firmly told me, "But I'm not letting you skip any meals anymore, even if I have to force you to eat. And you're not doing no studying or training this weekend."

"Wait, but-" I tried to counter, stopped when the stern look in his eyes intensified.

"No if's, and's or but's. Unless its yours up in the air as I fuck you so hard you wont be able to do anything this weekend but relax."

I blushed and swallowed loudly. "Good, now wait here while I go get you a plate. Bakugou's supposed to be cooking tonight." He leaned down to plant a kiss on my lips. Then another. Then another and another before pulling away only slightly to look into my eyes with that familiar dark look in his eyes, a smirk forming on his handsome face. "Maybe I should grab you two plates. You're going to need it for fuel for tonight."

My faced burned as I realized what he meant. He chuckled darkly before standing up and walking towards the door. "I'll be back in a few. And you better be stripped down to nothing by the time I get back." Turning back towards me with a seductive look. "Don't you worry about a thing, baby girl/boy. Daddy's going to take real good care of you this weekend." Then he opened the door and stepped out, closing the door behind him.

I gulped loudly, already feeling that familiar heat down below.

It was going to a long weekend.

[screamingatsquirrels]

Lol after the ex best friend saw me in walmart yesterday (i ignored her and we didnt talk at all) she blocked me on everything so now i get to tell yall fully what happened. Now that she wont see it

So on sunday, she and her bf ,who moved in qith us after them dating for only a couple months, were in their room doing crafts as some sort of date. I had my appointment to get my snake bites but there was no lyft or uber drivers out so i texted her and asked if she could take me and drop me off. Or if it was going to be interrupting them, i could reschedule. She insisted on taking me and staying with me. My appointment was supposed to be at 5:30 but the people in front of us took forever so we finally got back their arpund 6:30. As im getting pierced, her bf texts me and says "dont do this again" then calls her and starts cussing her out and shit talking me. Well we get done and go home where they get into an argument while i sit in my room. The walls are so thin i can hear him shit talking me and convincing her im a horrible person for asking for a ride. Thats around 8...around the time i blacked out. Its like i was sitting on my bed listening to all this and i blink then suddenly im in that store trying to buy a gun. I opened my phone and saw the suicide note pulled up. When i realized what was happening, i left the store and sat out front hyperventilating and in a full on panic attack trying to get ahold of her because she was my best friend. I just needed to know that someone cared and i was making the right decision by not going through with it....she never answered me. I finally found a ride to the er where they had to gove me something to calm me down. They tried calling her bc she was my emergency contact bc i trusted her completely (i have an extremely hard time trusting people) but she never answered. So they asked me if id be ok with going to a mental hospital 3 hrs away. I realized i needed serious help so i agreed. When i got there, i finally got ahold of my mom who only got one frantic text from me before i got transferred. She had been trying to reach the ex bsf too to no avail. So i finally sleep and the next day call my mom again to updage her on stuff and ask if she was ever able to get ahold of her...thats when my mom (who is dealing with the fact that she just almost lost a second child to suicide) tells me that the ex bsf made my family come move all my stuff out of our apartment and had made up lies about me saying that i threatened suicide if she didnt talk to me and that i was buying a gun to hurt her and her bf. And that she mentioned getting a restraining order against me.

She also said that if i or anyone in my family tried contacting her shed call the cops. Once i was told this and realized that the one person i fully trusted amd cared about had abandoned me when i needed her the most....i had a full on mental breakdown. I was sitting on ny bed crying and hyperventilating, rocking back and forth. I was in such an intense panic attack that nurses had to come in and sedate me. I hit such a low that i contemplated killing myself when i finally got out because now, i had no friends...she promised shed be there for me no matter what but abandoned me when things got tough.

I slowly got better from that episode and the intense sadness turned into rage and hurt. Because i did nothing to deserve her treatment of me except be mentally ill and go get help. I helped her and her bf out so much. I bought most groceries and offered to pay for an apartment for her bf until he could get on his feet. I supported both of them through their own mental breakdowns. I supported their relationship even tho i was in love with her (was. Those feelings are long gone now) now i just feel like they used me. Like they took advantage of my kindness and only pretended tk care about me. And ditched me when i could no longer be of service to them.

So, Hope (an oronic name if you ask me), you are a shitty person who only really cares about yourself. If you see this, just know that if you ever try contacting me again, you will be the one with the cops called on you. Im done with you. You hurt me in ways i never thought you were capable. I will never forgive you for gaining my trust and betraying me in one of the qorst ways. I deserve so much fucking better than a bitch like you in ny life. I hope karma bites you in the ass.

[angiestown]

I’m gonna complain about stupid immigration shit again because I’m mad about it again

SO LIKE,,, I’m canadian and my bf is american and he also lives with his fiancé bc we’re poly, BUT YA KNOW someday I’d like to live with him too instead of just visiting for two weeks a year (EXCEPT THIS YEAR CRY)

so if that was gonna happen, at least one of us would have to emigrate but neither canada or the US wants you moving to their country if you aren’t a productive member of capitalism (student coming to study, already have a job lined up in the other country, have an impressive degree and plan to use that degree) UNLESS you have family in the other country (neither of us do), or you’re getting married to someone in the other country

aside from the fact that marriage is kind of uh a big commitment here is my breakdown

so pros of me moving to america:

even though he currently lives with his mom, they do own the property and it’s 4 acres so that’s a lot of room to do stuff with

only one person would have to move (me)

america is more lax with their marriage immigration thing than canada is

cons of moving to america:

I’m not exactly that excited to move to a country that has all the same problems as canada but like x10 and also it kind of seems like there’s a looming threat of a full-on civial war breaking out any day now

pros of him moving to canada:

it’s not america

we both take antidepressants and they’re cheaper here

cons of him moving to canada:

we’d have to find a place to live

his fiancé would have to find a canadian hottie thottie to get married to as well because I can’t marry two people into the country

and then I keep thinking like ‘Angie you’ve only known this guy for 9 years and have only been dating for 4 don’t u think ur rushing it’ but then I also see people being like ‘if he hasn’t proposed after two years dump his ass’ so w/e lmao 

[notyobabygirl]

Omg Liz I’m flipping out and I don’t know who else to tell this. My bf has been struggling with his mental health lately and he has really bad breakdowns sometimes. Sometimes they’re super random but most of the time they happen because we’re fighting or something inconvenient happened. During most of them he is angry (sometimes for no reason) and he lashes out by throwing stuff, punching things, etc. And other times he talks about how much he hates himself and his life and that he wants to die. His parents are both aware of these issues and he’s tried to see multiple different therapists/psychiatrists but he’s never “clicked” with any of them enough for him to get the help he needs.

So I was at his house earlier tonight and we got in a super minor argument because I thought he lied to me about something. And he lashed out so bad that he woke up his mom and she thought he was hurting me. He wasn’t though he was just yelling and throwing/shoving things. And she ended up calling his dad to come to their house (they’re divorced and he lives downtown with his new girlfriend). And when my boyfriend saw that his dad was there he got mad again, I had calmed him down, and he started yelling at his dad through his bedroom door. He was like “i don’t want you here. you’re a shitty dad go back downtown to your whore girlfriend, you’re pathetic” all this horrible stuff and when his dad wouldn’t stop yelling at him my boyfriend went out and tackled his poor dad and just kept yelling at him. I think he hit him a few times too but I don’t know because I stayed in his room. And his mom was like “why do you stay with him when he does this to you? you should have called me” thinking that he had hurt me but I was like “he didn’t do anything to me he just got mad again because he saw his dad” but I could tell she didn’t believe me at all and she said “I can’t live with him like this” and I could tell she was so scared but so I was I. I’ve never seen my boyfriend like that before and this all happened because of a minor argument.

He ended up coming back into his room with me and he calmed down and we talked things out as much as we could. And I left like 15mins later because both of his parents told him I needed to go home and when I left I didn’t see either of them. I got home like an hour ago and I’m so scared they’re gonna contact my parents about this. Even though my boyfriend is 18 and I’m 19, I’m nervous they’re gonna get them involved because his mom clearly thinks he hurt me. If my parents think anything happened they wouldn’t ever let me see or talk to him again unless I moved out and supported myself, which I cannot do right now. And I don’t know what to do about any of this even if they don’t find anything out... He has never hurt me or done anything to me and he’s so good to me. I will admit he’s scary when this happens but I’m so worried about him and I know this isn’t the real him, his mental illness is just getting worse. I’m afraid his mom might not let me see him anymore or she might even blame me a bit for how bad he’s become. What do you think I should do? I know that’s a lot and I don’t know if you’ve ever dealt with anything like this but this is the first time I’ve ever had to and I have no clue how to.

I had a boyfriend that would do things like this. he would go amp shit and do the exact things your boyfriend does. I was close with his older sister so I would talk to his sister and tell her everything that is going on. I also would talk to his mom about it but since I was really close with the sister I thought that was easier. I would text his mom and have a serious conversation with him. tell her that he has never hurt you but he takes it out on other things and it has only gotten progressively worse. there needs to be a change and maybe he needs to talk to someone again or get a medication that can help him. this isn't fair to anyone. he needs to know there has to be a change. ily im sorry your going through this I know its so hard, I have been in your shoes!

[theoceanswaves0]

SPOILERS AHOY (ISH)

It’s been like four years since I did a post like this, so here’s me dumping my thoughts on various, random things I’ve been into/thinking about lately.

I’ll be covering Miraculous Ladybug S3, Fire Emblem Three Houses, My Hero Academia, The MCU, Chocolate/Zen: Warrior Within, Pokemon SwSh, Victorious, BtVS/Angel, and Star Wars: RoS so just a warning for potential spoilers. Also, there will be salt and gushing, so proceed with caution.

Victorious

--> Ok, so this show came out when I was already in high school, so I think some of my opinions and takes on the show are going to contrast with the general consensus.

--> But I’m firmly in the pro-Tori Vega camp. Do I agree with her kissing Beck in the pilot? No. But considering that Jade humiliated her in front of her class for a small misunderstanding that could have been easily cleared up if Jade took five seconds to hear Tori out, I find it difficult to feel bad for Jade. Plus, Tori gets called out for this a couple of times in later episodes anyway. 

--> As for Cat’s BF, yeah, that was shitty too but A. He was originally Tori’s BF and they only broke up a year prior to the episode and B. Not only does Tori feel immediate remorse for what she does (spraying Cat with cheese and then kissing her bf in front of her), but she apologizes and never does anything like it again for the rest of the show. BTW, these are both season one incidents, so clearly Tori grows out of this.

--> Plus, I can relate to some of Tori’s awkward traits, like being kind of annoying, not having the best verbal comebacks and feeling pretty average.

--> On the other hand, I can’t stand Jade. Her attitude reminds me of a girl I used to be on and off friends with in middle school. She ended up embarrassing me in front of the cast of our fall play in eighth grade and never apologized for it. Plus she would say or do things that, in hindsight, made it clear she didn’t want me around.

--> But I mean, at least that girl didn’t steal a pint of my blood meant to be used in a mutual friend’s operation, so...

--> Although clearly, Rex the Puppet is the worst character on this show. Jade at least does stuff, why do we need to have Rex around...?

--> My ships are Tandre (Tori/Andre) and Catrina (Cat/Trina)! Tori and Andre always look like they have fun performing together or just hanging out, and their friendship is just so precious. I wish Cat and Trina had more scenes together, because I loved their road trip in “Tori the Zombie” and they’re both dysfunctional in their own ways, but trying their best!! 

BtVS/Angel

--> Nothing new really. But my Tandre feels reminded me how much I also loved Gunn/Fred and wished that they stayed together. Even their ship name, Funn, is precious and gahhhhhhh breaking them up was a mistake!

My Hero Academia

--> It took me like 3-4 years after watching the first episode, but I finally watched it.

--> I’m surprised by how much I really like Izuku. Like, I normally like the protagonist fine, but Izuku just really stood out to me. He’s socially awkward, but in a pretty understandable way, intelligent and passionate without using any of it to put other people down, and ofc he cares about his friends and saving other people because what shonen protagonist doesn’t? The only thing I don’t like about him is his hero worship of Bakugo, but that’s just my bias.

--> Oh, yeah, I don’t like Bakugo. 

--> Relating to Aizawa the most, and realizing that it’s because I’m getting older hukjdshfaskdnfj 

--> I don’t have a ship I’m the most invested in, but I like Izuku with both Todoroki and Uraraka, and I also like Uraraka with Tsuyu. Erasermic is also really good.

--> Not a fan of Eraserjoke. I don’t like the way she continues to ask Aizawa out and then plays it off as a joke when he rejects her like. Like, it’s such a high school thing to do, it’s so weird seeing two grown adults do it. Just take the L and move on, Ms. Joke. Not only is it creepy to continue asking someone out when they say no, it’s annoying to pretend that you didn’t really mean it because it makes it difficult to read you in future scenarios. 

Fire Emblem Three Houses

--> Love it love it love it.

--> Like Fire Emblem has always been more of my brother’s thing, but with Awakening, Fates and Three Houses introducing easier difficulty options, I’ve found it much easier to get into the series. Like, I’m a pretty casual gamer so I’m not looking for anything too challenging most of the time.

--> Ofc I knew going in I was picking Golden Deer, and I was not disappointed. I love everyone every single student in there. The atmosphere was so chaotic, that I just knew recruiting everyone that I could to make it more so just had to be done.

--> Claude and Hilda are the best lord and “retainer” respectively, don’t @ me.

MCU

--> Uh, I haven’t really kept up with MCU stuff since Endgame (which I didn’t care for tbh). I just wanted to remind everyone that I hate Tony Stark :)

Miraculous Ladybug S3

(me @ this entire season tbh)

--> I don’t really post much about ML on this blog anymore because I ended up making a side blog (for salt mostly tbh). But in case anyone doesn’t keep up with what happens over there, I basically hated this entire season lol.

--> Ok, I loved Silencer. Best episode in the season period, no questions asked. I also really liked Kwamibuster and Startrain. Desperada grew on me over time, while Bakerix was... okay, I guess. And Felix was entertaining, even if I felt that the message that they were trying to get across was forced and meant to shut the fandom up. Oblivio was good until that ending, and once Silencer came along, I quickly learned I had no use for it anyway. It being an amnesia episode did it no favors, either.

--> Just as I feared, the season revolved more around humiliating or putting Marinette in really embarrassing situations for the same of “drama”. The Puppeteer 2 is a really good example of this. And it’s upsetting, because none of this actually does anything for Marinette’s character. She’s not even allowed to breakdown or be upset about anything that goes wrong for her until the end of “Heart Hunter” and even that only lasts, like, ten seconds.

--> Also, I don’t ship the Love Square anymore. Lukanette all the way, baby.

--> Let’s be real, Marinette/Happiness should be the real OTP of the show.

--> The fact that every episode of season 4 is supposed to be as dramatic as Chat Blanc does not leave me hopeful for the future. Like, really, you’re going to use an episode in which an entire timeline’s worth of events gets erased and leaves everyone with no memories of it as the basis of your emotional impact going forward? Um, thank you, next.

Rise of Skywalker

--> Haven’t seen it and after seeing the spoilers, I don’t plan to. I really liked TFA, and was excited to see what they did with the Rey-Poe-Finn dynamic. I was not here for Kylo Ren or Reylo. I guess Finn/Rey is joining Tandre and Funn in my “missed opportunity OTPs” corner. D:

Chocolate/Zen: Warrior Within

--> OMG one of my fave movies of all time. Like I appreciate it more and more with age. It’s basically everything I want in a movie.

--> The scene where Zen discovers that her mom’s hair is falling out and she blames herself for it always gets me. Like I always forget about it, so when I see it again, I can’t help but nearly breakdown myself, because I know exactly what Zen’s thought process is without her even having to say anything. I feel just as overwhelmed as she does in the moment and nearly cry every time watching it.

--> One of the few movies that I wish actually got a sequel. Like I have so many questions that could be answered. How do Zen and Moom adjust to living in Japan? How does Zen’s father try to relate to her and Moom? Do they make any other friends? Will Zen get access to resources that will help her? Will they be further ostracized because of their status as outsiders? As someone who already struggles verbally, how will Zen adapt to living in a country that primarily speaks another language? 

Pokemon SwSh

--> Multiplayer is so much fun and wayyyy more accessible than in the past imo. A bunch of people at my martial arts school would do raid battles before classes, so I would always leave to get there early and play with them. 10/10 experience, and it makes me excited to get Animal Crosssing to do the same thing.

--> But on the other hand, I feel like this game has a lot less going for it than SuMo. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it feels like too much is missing. Like I still enjoy it, but it’s more for the gameplay and less for the story. I’m also not nearly as invested in my team like I was last time (I loved my Sun team so much, I basically kept it the same for US, minus one or two changes). I’m trying to change it fits a “Psychedelic Ocean” vibe (Water/Psychic), and then do an “Earth” themed team for my Shield run but I just haven’t picked it back up since beating the game.

--> The characters were alright. I wasn’t as attached to any of the rivals like I was in SuMo. Leon is my bro though.

[pastloveburnedout]

hi please ignore this i just really need to rant, this will probably be exaggerated because i’m upset.

i’ve got a great bf who i love a lot, but we’re long distance and will be until i go to college in the fall. usually i get to see him at breaks and stuff but i’m trying to get a job to save up so i may not get to travel to see him until i move in and that stresses me out because i haven’t gone more than 4 months without seeing him. i miss him a lot and i after a longer period of time of not seeing him i get doubtful of the relationship bc i haven’t seen him physically and once i see him its all great again bc i just needed him in person but i’m worried that too long apart that things will fall apart and i don’t want that. i’m actually not too terribly stressed about school for once other than the fact i may not be able to get the text book for anatomy lab because dual enrollment won’t send it and as a hs student i can’t afford a text book. but this teacher like uses the review sheets out of it for class work and i’m not sure how i’m going to do it. lol “not too stressed about school”. i will be more soon once my late start class starts in feb. my parents don’t have enough money to get a divorce and it sucks so much bc i absolutely hate my dad and want to cut him off and i want my mom to get out from under him and be happy but they stress me out bc they don’t communicate so our financials are shit and so they’re probably all going to be stuck in the house with my adult sister not going anywhere because she turned too dependent after graduating college and moving back in. i love her but i have my own friends and like my space and doesn’t realize that she needs to find her own friends and leave me alone. sisters can be close but you need to find people outside your own family. but i also feel bad that i’m being mean to her because when i’m with my own friends and bf i never want to leave them and never feel like i need space with them but with my sister i do. since i’m going off to college in the fall she’s gotten super clingy and annoying and i can’t deal with it because i’ve got my own shit and i hate her being annoying. alao on top of that my anxiety is fucking killer. i’ll be great for periods of time then always just a shit time comes inconvienently and i’m constantly crying and stressed from overthinking about overthinking and i get headaches from it and my brain makes me feel like jumping off a bridge even though i don’t want to. i try to tell my mom but she doesn’t understand and i can’t afford a therapist so i’ll just google myself into a depression and hope that when i go to college i can see someone to call out my bull shit and help my head slow down. i also for some reason picked a major that after freshman yr pre reqs you have to basically audition for the program and they only take like 30 people a year and my freshman yr will be the last class that they take in to the program so yah no pressure. i can’t stress about one thing because then my brain brings up all nine million other shitty parts of my life. i wish i could handle a normal amount of stress but i get emotional so easy and breakdown under so little stress so i get anxious about getting anxious too easily so i don’t eat and eat pickily then stress over that and makes jokes about “let me have anorexia in peace” when that is really shitty of me because i’m the shittiest person i know. yay. i really hope no one read this but this is what my head sounds like a lot. i’ll probably reblog some stuff after this to kind of hide it.

[ultjunsus]

Just ranting

Sometimes I really feel like even though I was diagnosed with selective mutism, that I don’t or more that I don’t anymore? Maybe it’s the fact that a lot of people now a days will say someones faking for attention or something along those lines. Even though I know I was diagnosed by a professional my mind tells me that I’m just faking it.

My life living with SM has been really rough. I was never really properly treated, I believe I was just given medication and went to occasional sessions where they didn’t work with me or even really address me. School was a roller coaster where I was fine with my friends but with anyone else it was hell, especially presenting. But I didn’t have a system set up for me and was forced to present even if I was on the verge of tears. And it only got worse as I went into middle and high school. I guess thankfully(?) by the time I went into high school I learned that no one understood why I’d stutter or sometimes have an actual breakdown about presenting or whatever in front of the class and my mom never talked to the school to set up any sort of system for me guess cause she thought I got through fine without it every other year. So I just “got over it” did what I had to and if the breakdown hit after it did. Mentally high school was the roughest part of my life. There were so many days I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I’d have a C in one class and my father would lose his mind about it. And my mom who told me I could always talk to her would yell at me when I tried to tell her I needed a day to stay home due to bad mental health.

I got more comfortable in some classes but even those classes when I had to do certain things it would trigger and I’d shut down and no one would understand. Choir was a big example. I was really comfortable in there with my friends and my teacher but when it came around time for solos or anything where the class or my teacher had to hear me by myself I’d feel myself start to shut down. But I couldn’t explain it to them and I doubt it’d do me much good to try to. So i’d just somehow suffer through whatever it was and nearly breakdown if not completely breakdown after. It was so mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing.

I dunno how everyone else’s feels but I not only feel my ability to speak just stop I also tend to space out entirely and not register much. I get lost in my own head, playing all bad outcomes over and over in my head. I pick at something or fidget with something, or I’ve even rubbed a small portion of my skin raw without realizing it. My breathing becomes short and labored as I literally feel my chest and throat tighten. Sometimes I’ll even end up crying depending on how bad it gets. Maybe its because my untreated SM has stemmed into social and general anxiety as well as depression but its such a horrible experience.

I’m now 21 and I’ve had 1 job and it was possibly the worst experience of my life. The job pushed me to my lowest and I’ve been stuck here since. My breakdowns have been happening more often than I’d like to admit. There was a point where i’d come home and breakdown nearly every day after work. I dreaded going but I couldn’t bring myself to quit. Then Harvey hit and our store flooded and we were expected to go to nearby stores while they remodeled but it took me so long to get at least mostly comfortable with everyone in our salon I couldn’t bring myself to go through all that again with new people it took a lot out of me to do it the first time. That on top of how bad my mental state was because of the job I just couldn’t. So I took that opportunity to quit. I haven’t been employed since but that’s because my mom kept telling me not to because of her and my dad’s clashing work schedules and my lack of license and car so I wouldn’t have a reliable ride to and from. So we put it off.

I quit back in Aug of 2017 and the entire time I’ve been unemployed I’ve felt like garbage for not working but every time i brought it up my mom just brushed it off. Yes I could’ve just gotten a job but I wouldn’t have a ride without her and I didn’t want to burden her with that. Even though my mom brushed it off my dad always brought it up and made me feel like shit about it. My dad never tried to understand what I was going through and was often hypocritical about a lot of things. When i’d sleep for too long because I was depressed he’d yell at me but he could sleep all day if he wanted. In Oct a lot of stuff happened and my parents have ended up separating. My mom doesn’t make enough to cover bills  and groceries. My sister and her family are staying with her us for the time being as well which is a whole nother situation for my anxiety. But due to this my mom applied to for food stamps but because I’m an adult who isn’t working they wanted my psychiatrist (who I haven’t seen since high school because I no longer have insurance) to fill out a form saying i couldn’t work or they wanted me to apply to work force for them to help me get a job. Mind you for the last 3 years I’ve wanted nothing more than to go back to my psychiatrist and get help, especially with how bad my depression is. But I don’t have insurance and because of how shitty our system is I can’t get any so that wasn’t an option. So I was stuck with workforce.

When we went the first time I had forgotten my wallet with my SS and ID which they said I wouldn’t need so we went in to apply or whatever only to find out that I did need it. And in that short not even 5 mins my anxiety spiked so high that it took me 30 mins in the car to calm down. I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me and I was shaking so bad. We went back the next day and I broke down merely filling out the form because someone continued to come over and check on us. It was hard to breathe and I even cried. I hate crying in public I try my best to hold out til I’m at least away from people but I couldn’t. A month prior to all of this I had made plans with my BF to come down for the holidays until after the New year to see him and meet his mom who had come back from Germany and invited me. But when we got the letter that I had to go into the workforce and do stuff I only had like 2 days to do so. We went in the last day and the lady I was sat with (by myself btw) made it very apparent. When I told her the situation she proceeded to be like “todays the last day and you have to come in tomorrow to work with us. What do you want me to do?” in a very condescending tone, talking to me like I’m an idiot. At this point I’m already internally freaking out and I’m trying not to cry again and I start stuttering out an IDK when she cuts me off and calls her supervisor and gets an answer. After that she was oh so sweet to me but before she was very snarky and made me feel like a dumb child. It was back to back questions of “have you worked? How long? Why did you quit?” As if I chose to be unemployed this long without a good reason.

She sent me off and I started walking to my mom and she told me I nearly passed out doing so before I ran outside to just broke down, collapsing on the side walk. I couldn’t enjoy my 3 weeks away from home because all I could think about was coming back and doing that all over again. I could only think about coming back and being talked to like an incompetent child. Being talked to like some lazy idiot who hasn’t worked for the past 2 years out of sheer laziness. I’ve had literal consistent daily breakdowns over this in the past week. I have literally had trouble sleeping because of this. I come home and I try talking to my mom about it because i have to go back before the 9th and she either brushes me off or tells me “Ik you’re uncomfortable” as if me having 3 breakdowns in the same day and nearly passing out was just uncomfortable. Or she’d tell me “idk what you want me to do. I didn’t ask for things to be like this” as if I was saying I was blaming her for this as if I didn’t know what our situation was right now. My mother who always told me I could always go to her about anything won’t listen to me or downplays my anxiety when its literally made the last 3 weeks living hell. I just I don’t understand.

Idk what this post became tbh I’m a mess.

[dontcrybecauseitsoverr]

i had a perfect relationship. i had liked her and thougut she was goals from the start of moving up here in august. she was funky, peppy, aesthetic, cute and just. i liked her a lot. she had a bf since 14. and everyone has a highschool sweet heart in maine it seems. but it was abusive, and not good, stealing , the most horrible treatment. like. she’s at class at a hospital and her her snap maps is glitched and shows her on a street corner. and he KNOWS she’s at work, studying to be nurse. and he’s belittling her that she’s a fucking hooker working the corner good for nothing. i didnt talk to her for months. maybe a reply on story here or there talked about snow tubing. until one day in may 19’ we started talking, hard. when she was away on a trip to florida. so easy time to talk. no boy to be there. while they on the out of the relationship. and what nice ass guy comes in to play? who’s also hot af and shit! meee. broke up bout a month later, and we started kinda stuff a month later. then made official like another month. one night in september , she wasn’t responding and she was very sick at the time, i thougut she passed out from maine, with kidney infection and i drive over to make sure she’s not dead or some shit to location at mcdonald’s. and theyre ptfo in the front seats. it was some insurance issue bc he was so dumb in life her parents provided everything. i knew no cheating bc she was in horrible pain. so i didn’t really feel that bad about it and i’ve dealt with some shit before and made it though and were all okay. she had a very sincere apology i beleive. so i thougut id be ok. and i did. also much wasn’t going for me still then so as i knew. one time i was told she was in an amottos with him holding hands. but i still don’t know about that one, as that girl was jealous and wanted to fuck. but jul also hated amottos so like i was like nah. i don’t want to know if she did or not because it doesn’t matter. time goes on we flourish, have fun, no issues at all. 0. then november she had a bad breakdown, really bad. stopped seeing me. started to get real shady. used work as excuse to not see me late, and was with him. only saw me like once a week. barely spent a night. and then went back to ex. and also rehab i believe for mental issues. we ended stuff few days after christmas. got cheated and was broken. i’d say to 0. never got closure. i saw her once at a gas station in feb. and them walking into kfc and she had my purple pants i bought her on. i never stopped thinking about her, and had all my trauma issues daily. always wanted her back. as it felt whole. the tale of juliet shaw.

3am yesteday i receive a text “you were right” from a green text, 207. i knew instantly who it was. now i don’t know anyone with androids, or someone who wouldn’t be in my contacts at 3am as well. i could have just deleted the text, and went on with life. but i sat and decided to respond. it has been so long. i assumed stuff was over. i asked her if i did anything to cause it, she said no, which i believe. i asked her why she did. and she said her brain. and lost weight really skinny now, bad brains. it’s sad, but i’m just glad she’s gone from him. ive have gone though so many different scenarios about how if i’d meet her again, or if she did do something like this. and i decided to talk..bc what else do i have to lose? my college is fine. i’ll have associates. i have 0 anyone interested in me. just two times i’ve hu this year. so what’s the worst that can happen. she’s in such a shit state too. left the relationship months ago she says, but didn’t wanna talk about it , but i assume it went really bad, and she’s broken and wants to get back with me. we’ve been apart longer than we were together. 7 months known 11 months apart now. the problem is, no one would support. my family saw me break down into my moms arms that she went back to ex. they would be pissed like they were mayson. she wouldn’t be allowed in the house most likely. but my mom cheated on dad, and theyre still together. but what do i feel to think? it’s not like she would make the mistake again, she agreed we were perfect, and i know it was. i’m the main character in my life. what am i to do? she was, still is the girl of dreams here. we did everything together. i’d rather make this work in maine than just go off to a college and fuck and stuff. and never had quarrels about our relationship. did random things. loved to drive. smoked. sex was the best ever. if i tread the water and see really what’s up, i should go. i already felt better now that i got some closure and that she just came back. it’s as if she knows what is here and good and yeah. it doesn’t sit right with me to just push away and not do anything about it. that’s really not who i was raised as. granted my mom would, but i can’t. legit have 0 ppl going for me, nothing on tinder bumble anything. clssses former. gonna be like sorry. i feel no self worth too, bad. i even rn got anxiety sending her pics right now of myself, even tho i’ve never been happier with my looks. just maybe wouldn’t be enough somehow. but look at it just from the standpoint of me. right now i got over it, mostly. and right now i can have it back? feels like the move to do. i worked so hard for it before, enough that she came back, feel like that just says something worth it. so i get over the issues, and then get to have the girl i loved forever back? sounds good to me....worth the risk bc i still can just gtfo anytime to another state. but also could be in an apt in portland. go to USM. get some lined pants, my coat. bundle up. and be with the girl of my dreams? maybe. i knew if i keep talking to her, it’ll go back to us dating. which will make me happy. and then if so prob marriage. if we end up together for a year, or more so. and i have to be like to mom and dad i’m sorry i did this though and came back. it’s been smooth and not a single issue. guess we’ll see. contact back to juls 💜 bc why not just go back in full steam. only way to go i feel. cant just be friends. she even said she wanted to keep talking so. all the time listening to Folklore falling asleep. to The One all the night. and but it woulda been fun, if you woulda been the one. o7

[hargreevestan]

Get Home Safe (Side-story, Part 1)

Authors Note: So I guess this is a sequel to Get Home Safe but Diego isn't really a part of it so not really... At this point I’m just projecting my younger self and all her trauma onto this character lol. But yes, I have a lot more planned but I am really fleshing out reader’s backstory here (don’t worry, reading the side stories won't be necessary to understand Part 2 but this is therapeutic for me) Anyways, I won't use any tua tags since this is more of a self-indulgent piece haha 

Trigger Warnings: Drinking, toxic bf

It felt like her skull was being pressed between two jackhammers. She brought her hands to her head and rubbed little circles into her temples. What time is it, and why is my room so bright? (Y/N) thought to herself as she turned over and grabbed her phone from the bedside table. She had slept in until noon, apparently. In addition to the expected, most-likely passive-aggressive texts from Ryan, she had two new message notifications from an unsaved number:

Hey, it’s Diego. Just wanted to make sure you’re alive. Please confirm.

By the way, thanks for not puking in my car!  

Fuck. (Y/N) put her phone back down and rubbed her eyes, collapsing back into bed.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She knew Ryan was going to throw a fit if he found out she got a ride back home from Diego. He was already upset when she told him she planned on going to that party. His voice echoed in her mind.

“Try not to cheat on me.”

“Why do you feel the need to drink? Am I not enough for you?”

Last night, she sent him a picture of her dressed up and ready to go, he texted a “k” back. Ryan was always the jealous type. Her fingers began to tingle as waves of anxiety crashed over her. She checked the preview of his messages in her notifications.

Hey, how was the party?

Hello?

Okay.

She knew he was going to interrogate her the moment he had the chance, so she decided not to open them officially. She could always make up an excuse as to why she didn’t reply right away. While this would most-likely make Ryan suspicious, seeing “Read at 12:45 pm” under his texts would without-a-doubt prompt a hostile reaction.

Instead, she texted back Diego.

Hey!! I’m alive (just barely though) lol, thanks for taking care of me last night (: I appreciate it lots!! Sorry if I ruined your night…

(Y/N) sighed and rolled out of bed and studied her reflection in the mirror. She was still in last night’s clothes- a cropped t-shirt and high-waisted shorts. Though she managed to remember to brush her teeth and wash her face settling into bed, residual makeup left black smudges under her eyes.

She walked down the hall and into the living room. Luis had waited up for her last night. She found him knocked out with the television still running. The blanket she had laid over him was left unmade, sprawled over the couch where he slept. Looking out the window, she noticed his car was no longer in the driveway.

She carried on to the kitchen and filled up a glass of water straight from the tap, downing it in seconds. She didn’t realize how thirsty she was until then, and proceeded to demolish another three. She heard the front door unlock, and the thud of keys being tossed into the glass vase their family kept on the living room counter followed by someone kicking off their shoes and approaching footsteps.

“Looks like someone had a rough night,” her brother taunted her, leaning against the kitchen doorway.

“Shut up, Luis.”

“Ungrateful children don’t get pancakes,” he said, raising up the plastic take-out bag in his hand.

“Whoops, what I meant to say is, ‘I love you.’”

Luis rolled his eyes and sat down at the table, taking out two styrofoam boxes from the bag. He opened one and inspected the insides. He passed this first box along the table and placed the other in front of him.

“Grab some forks, yeah?”

(Y/N) sat down and joined her brother.

“You are so lucky Mom and Dad are out of town this weekend,” he said as he took his utensils from (Y/N).

“I am also so lucky to have a brother who isn’t a snitch, right?”

“We’ll see,” he joked. “So, how was it?”

“Fine.”

“Come on, you’re gonna have to give me a little more than that. It isn’t every day that little Ms. Perfect gets the chance to go apeshit.”

“It’s possible that I may have gone a little too apeshit a little too fast,” she explained, rubbing her eyes.

Luis looked up from his stack of chocolate chip pancakes and gave (Y/N) a concerned look, “Nothing bad happened, right?”

“No, I mean… I took six shots at once and Diego bought me some food and drove me back.”

“Wait, Diego Diego? Quarterback Diego?”

(Y/N) nodded.

Luis whistled. “Didn’t know you had it in you, kid.”

“What- no! He just felt bad for me and took me home so I wouldn’t embarrass myself further.”

“You know what, maybe I would believe that if he just drove you home. But he also took you out to eat. That’s dangerously close to date territory.”

“It may have been because I had an emotional breakdown in his car…”

“Wait, what?”

“Turns out I’m a sad drunk.”

Luis looked at her sympathetically.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I feel better now. Also, thanks for remembering my favorite,” she said, gesturing at the blueberry pancakes.

“I’ve only been away at college for a year.”

“I know, but I just figured you’re so busy cramming your brain with facts about rocks and stuff that it's going to push out all the important information.”

“Important information, like what you want for breakfast?”

“Exactly.”

[hgfstreamchats]

We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. Jalaperilo: yo! Knock Out: Hello there! Jalaperilo: been a while since i dropped by Jalaperilo: omg, I was JUST listening to Sawbones! Knock Out: But how good to have you! Jalaperilo: find the clip where justin looses it when sydnee uses the word 'exquisit' in medical terminology Knock Out: Do you have a link by any chance? Jalaperilo: Sawbones. If you wanna be disguisted by human medical history, its the go to podcast thenightetc: Fun fact, it creeps me the hell out when someone keeps saying my name. Jalaperilo: hahah Knock Out: I love the sound of my own name, but that's just me and anything pertaining to myself.

thenightetc: ...Okay, this IS pretty funny Jalaperilo: I'm with thenight. it annoys me if i hear my name too much Jalaperilo: it means people want things from me thenightetc: Yeah. thenightetc: It's... smarmy. thenightetc: In the worst way. Jalaperilo: yup thenightetc: So what are we watching?  Good movie or movie to mock? Knock Out: Pure mockery! Jalaperilo: julia child?? Knock Out: Oh yes. Jalaperilo: nice thenightetc: Oh, boy! thenightetc: *could do with some mocking after today* thenightetc: Worms aren't that elastic Jalaperilo: birds also dont have quiffs thenightetc: ...Is this... a sequel? Knock Out: No, thankfully. Knock Out: "Yes. But technically speaking, ain't you?" thenightetc: Haha, did they give the t-rex herbivore teeth? Jalaperilo: true Jalaperilo: did they come from dinosaurs or just pteradons? Knock Out: Oh, pterosaurs aren't dinosaurs. Breakdown is adamant on that one. Jalaperilo: pteranodon* Jalaperilo: i know Jalaperilo: i didt know if birds came from dinosaurs or just pteranodons Knock Out: That's another thing this movie likes to drive home. Some organics eat meat and that's terrible. thenightetc: Only if the meat has a face!  Which, uh, in this movie apparently it does, going by the worm and the fish. Knock Out: Oh! They came from dinosaurs, apparently. thenightetc: oh my god thenightetc: What--what's in that stuff Knock Out: Nothing good. Jalaperilo: if only it was that easy to make Grimlock docile lol Knock Out: If someone did that to Grimlock, I'm fairly sure it would constitute a crime. thenightetc: Ahhhh, so it's okay to eat meat that somebody ELSE killed. Knock Out: But not okay to be a massive animal and step on things by accident. Jalaperilo: people need to remember that its ok to decide to not eat meat, but it WAS the reason we evolved to be so cognizent as a species Jalaperilo: no its not Knock Out: Smart enough to make up their own minds, but not smart enough to know what lunch is. Knock Out: Or what children are. thenightetc: This, uh, seems very morally dubious. thenightetc: Just go ahead and create some people because some kids want to meet them Knock Out: Why create some people when you can kidnap them? thenightetc: Wellllll, they were just animals before.  He made them INTO people. Zephra85: OMG I saw the description on the tumblr post and and immedietely knew Zephra85: 'OMG WE'RE BACK' Zephra85: Also hi everyone! Knock Out: Welcome to the disaster, Zephra human! thenightetc: Hi! Jalaperilo: yo yo Zephra85: I was obsessed with this movie a sa child thenightetc: That seems like an incredibly extra way to make a sandwich Zephra85: go big or go home thenightetc: Oh, yeah, just stick your hand right in his mouth.  It's safe! Jalaperilo: I had never heard of this until like 20 minutes ago Knock Out: Smart enough to handle this, remember. thenightetc: Honestly, he's lucky he didn't just drive straight into the river... ocean? Lusey: -peeks in- Knock Out: Hello there! Zephra85: Yo Lusey: hello! this movie is so dumb I love it Zephra85: The 90's had a lot of scenes with kids handling construction cranes Lusey: he's not even a t-rex thenightetc: EXHIBIT?! Jalaperilo: there she is! thenightetc: exCUSE me? Lusey: they gonna kill and stuff 'em Zephra85: Yes because this is clearly less conspicuous Lusey: "hey babe" I wish I had this kid's confidence wtf thenightetc: wtf indeed Jalaperilo: what was it about the 80's and 90's where it was a streetwise orphan boy and the red head up town girl? Zephra85: objectively this movie is probably bad but I have so much love and nostalgia for it idgaf thenightetc: Jesus christ, that place is huge.  They must be freakin millionaires Lusey: yup Lusey: but yeah this movie sucks but the last villain scene is spooky Zephra85: oh god seriously Lusey: wont say why or how but Lusey: hoo boy Lusey: it made up for so much Zephra85: it's so subtle but holy *** it's wild at the same time thenightetc: oh yeah, nobody'lll notice THAT Zephra85: things like this can only happen in New York 'cause they're so jadded Knock Out: Eugh. thenightetc: oh my god thenightetc: Why this Jalaperilo: way too young to be a debutante Zephra85: they got things to do and places to go they can't let bs like dinosaurs or aliens get in their way Lusey: what's that parent's problem Knock Out: You should wish for less rats in the subway, little human. Lusey: that child is like 5 and you ruined her life Zephra85: parenting at its finest Zephra85: Having fun with human tech and connections, Knock Out? Knock Out: Endless fun. Knock Out: Hmm, is the picture quality suffering too much? Lusey: see wtf lady Lusey: let her believe thenightetc: Nah, it's fine thenightetc: oh nO Lusey: that's right Lusey: musical thenightetc: I wasn't prepared thenightetc: "things to chew"  kinda sounds like he wants to eat everyone Knock Out: Killing spree ending, just once! Zephra85: (jams out 'cause f*** it all she loves this song) thenightetc: Well, there WAS Little Shop of Horrors. Knock Out: Hmm, true. Knock Out: SMART. ENOUGH. TO HANDLE THIS. thenightetc: ...And there he goes explicitly saying he wants to eat a human Lusey: I think he's implying they'd be gross. but still haha Lusey: seriously who'd run away from TALKING dinosaurs thenightetc: "that's the guy who was foreshadowed!" Jalaperilo: bring back julia child Jalaperilo: lost my green Lusey: I think I gotta head out actually. connection is shot on my end. but enjoy bad dinos Knock Out: An attempt will be made. Have a good night! Zephra85: Bye! Jalaperilo: I'm heading out as well. Its 2am here and I have to be up at 9 thenightetc: Goodnight! Knock Out: Goodnight! Jalaperilo: nighty night Night! Zephra85: 'Nigh! Zephra85: *night Zephra85: man that little girl and her mom get around FAST Zephra85: also the mom's recovered rather well from her freak out before Knock Out: Scrap. So close. thenightetc: "Keep coming or maybe stay away" thenightetc: Dontgonearthe Castle thenightetc: No, idiot, they just left because they're adults and didn't feel like beating up a twelve-year-old thenightetc: Hahahahha thenightetc: Crushing their stupid dreams thenightetc: Is he literally the devil Knock Out: This is normal. thenightetc: Oh, totally Zephra85: not suspecious at all nope thenightetc: Why did SHE sign it Knock Out: "Naughty boys delight" Zephra85: Bah looks like I gotta ditch too, the bf wants the good laptop thenightetc: Pffff, minors can't sign contracts. thenightetc: Though, I guess he's the devil, so Zephra85: 'Night everybody! Thanks for the stream, Knock Out! Knock Out: Goodnight! Glad you could pop in! Zephra85: Oh, and since Breakdown never checks his tumblr anymore, can you tell him happy birthday for me? Knock Out: Will do! Zephra85: Alrighty I'm gone ENJOY CREEPY CIRCUS DINOSAURS GUYS Knock Out: Looks like it's just you and me, night human. thenightetc: I guess that guy's actions make a little more sense in light of the news that he's the devil's brother. Knock Out: This one seems slightly more invested in whether dinosaurs live or die. Knock Out: If only from a business perspective. thenightetc: This got creepy fast, though Knock Out: What disturbs me is that they don't seem willing or able to just grab the children and run. Knock Out: Wasn't that literally the point of A Clockwork Orange? thenightetc: Yes, I mean, maybe they're too squeamish for fresh meat now, but... thenightetc: Seems like they could also grab the contract and destroy it. Knock Out: They're barely intelligent enough to function and physically incapable of defying rules. What could possibly go wrong? thenightetc: Nothing, clearly. Knock Out: I can see why the "legitimate circus" fired him. thenightetc: "Evil" Knock Out: Nice of him to let them stick around for pancakes, though. thenightetc: "oh no, consequences!" Knock Out: "And that's terrible for some reason." thenightetc: Oh, so he IS using some real demons.  I was going to say. Knock Out: They can't seem to decide whether he's using real demons or if the fact that he isn't using real demons is bad. thenightetc: I guess it's a mix? Knock Out: Apparently. thenightetc: Real demons, and poor saps who were dumb enough to sign contracts with Literally The Devil. thenightetc: Not reassuring! Knock Out: Now see, this would have made more sense with that whole deleted chunk about a crow pecking out his eye. thenightetc: Why is everyone freaking out and trying to run, though?  It's clearly a show. Knock Out: The humans in this movie have proved to be overexcitable. thenightetc: Aw, c'mon, what would eating this guy ruin. thenightetc: What if he just ate his arm or something; he can live without that. Knock Out: Just bite off his shins. thenightetc: Little bit off the top. Knock Out: He'll never miss it. thenightetc: And neither will anyone else. Nickel: Ooh. Not a bad lookin' ship, there. Knock Out: Such a waste of a good ship. thenightetc: Why this Knock Out: You are infants. Nickel: õ-õ Nickel: ô_ô Knock Out: Spoiler alert: We never learn what the surprise was. thenightetc: ô_ô indeed. Nickel: I'm not sure I want to... Knock Out: Why didn't he do this ages ago and get a job at a circus where his act will actually fit in? thenightetc: Who knows? thenightetc: ...Did HE not have a magical contract? thenightetc: WELL then. Nickel: Well, now I know the humans have their own version of scraplets... Knock Out: Julia Child, you ruined everything. Stop talking. thenightetc: Something about "reveal the miracle of yourselves" doesn't sound right. Nickel: KID. GET BACK BEHIND THE ROPES. THEYRE THERE FER A REASON Knock Out: Dear Unicron. thenightetc: ... Nickel: what blatant disregard fa boundaries. Knock Out: Crowd a room with children and teach them to keep secrets from their parents. Knock Out: Without ever changing outfits. Nickel: Who took all of those pictures. thenightetc: The devil's brother? Knock Out: The old man on the ship. The families don't know about them. thenightetc: That was a trip from start to finish. Nickel: I'd apologize fa comin in so late, but I feel like I really dodged a bullet, there. Knock Out: You have no idea. Knock Out: Why couldn't we have had this version of the song? Nickel: they had ta save tha best bit fa last, I suppose? Knock Out: Point. Nickel: I know I just got here, but I needa run a quick errand. Are ya endin' things here, Doc? or do ya have more plans? Knock Out: I think we'll wrap it up here for tonight. Patient reports beckon, sadly. Nickel: Lord almighty, I feel ya. thenightetc: Awww.  Well, it was fun!  Thanks for the stream. :) Knock Out: Thank you for the commentary! Nickel: Thanks indeed. (-w-) Knock Out: Good night, everyone! thenightetc: Goodnight!

[saintkimora]

ok……..here is the long awaited post of what happened on saturday night! (Last Saturday night btw not yesterday night) ive been too busy to post about it until now but it is juicy

so as i said on saturday, joel and i were texting on and off that day but it was weird as usual. so after i showered i wrote out a text to him saying that even though we havent been communicating much recently i still miss him and think about him all the time and that i appreciate the chances i do get to talk to him. so i sent this message but literally the second it sent i got a message from him. like we sent our texts at the same time. so i started reading his text and it started with “perry……im really sorry but what we have isnt working out” skafjhkajdhfkjads so i felt like a jolt in my legs and had to sit down. so he sent this long ass breakup text and here are the basic points that he used

he isnt ready for a relationship/exclusivity (even though HE was the one who literally deleted all his dating apps the day after we met bc he wanted to focus on pursuing me)

he hasnt been making the effort and i deserve someone who does

he hasnt been opening up and he is aware of that bc he knows he isnt ready

i deserve someone who is in a better place in their life than he is rn/someone who has their stuff together

i dont deserve what hes putting me through

he wants time to be single and make mistakes and regret them (stupid ass reasoning btw)

he knew using texts was the wrong way to end it but he wasnt strong enough to do it in person

he apologized if i feel like i wasted my time on him/if i regret anything ive done w him (since the last time i saw him before this was when i had sex with him)

hes sorry that he isnt treating me better

not my fault at all

so yeah that was the text! i didnt even read it fully until later on like i skimmed it and called him immediately and asked if we could talk in person (ofc i got all choked up trying to ask and almost started crying over the phone) so he said yes he owes me that much so i grabbed my tissue box, tried to put on my shoes (my mom had to help me bc i was shaking too much) and drove to his apartment and then sprinted to his apartment from where i parked a block away. i got there and his roommates werent home so it was just him. he opened the door and i said hi and he let me in and it was v solemn so we went into his room and sat on his bed and this is where the drama really started

so i was like “can i have a hug” and he was like “yes” so we hugged and i started crying. so we hugged for a while and then we separated and i was like “ok so explain why you want to end this” so he started explaining it to me. i was crying and he was crying too but i was crying more obv! i was like bawling. his eyes were red and tears were falling and he was sniffling but he wasnt like crying hard

so he just explained that he was in a bad place when he met me and he still is in that bad place (in reference to his depression) and how its not me its him and how i deserve someone who puts in the effort and doesnt distance themselves from me and actually has the time to see me and i was annoyed bc caleb did the same thing and i am sick of other guys telling me whats best for me like *vicki from rhoc voice* how do you know whats best for me? and like obv just bc you have depression doesnt mean you dont deserve love, like he said he still liked me and wanted to be with me and how it was breaking his heart to have to do this so i did not want him to end something just bc he felt he didnt deserve me or that he wasnt worthy of my love or anything like that 

so he also explained how he wasnt ready to settle down and i was like sis we arent even officially boyfriends yet, its not like im asking you to marry me and have kids lmfao and he said he wasnt ready for exclusivity so i was like “does that mean you wanna fuck other guys?” and he was like “i dont know” so ????? and he was like “im feeling conflicted” so i was like wtf is going on in here on this day

also i asked if his roommates were home and he said no he was home alone tonight and that was part of why he was feeling so bad and its like sis…..if being alone makes you feel worse then making yourself even more alone by breaking up w me doesnt seem like the best way to fix that! and i told him that i was free tonight and he couldve just invited me over if he was feeling lonely and he was like “i thought you would be busy” like sis literally the only times i am ever busy on saturday nights is when im with him!! lmao

he also said he wasnt opening up bc he couldnt/wasnt ready for it yet, but like i wasnt asking him to open up like all i wanted was for him to put a modicum of effort into our conversations just to show that he cared, like we can just keep doing fun things like im not asking him to get all deep and vulnerable with me (although i would love that too)

so we just had a very emotional time, i was crying my eyes out nonstop and he was lightly crying as well, there was lots of hugging and holding and stuff so like i was really really REALLY losing it like i was so MESSSSSSSSSSYYYY like i was just getting all in my feelings and saying all the things im gonna miss about him and like apologizing for anything i did wrong/apologizing for not being enough for him and like it was really really bad. but i was still also cracking jokes like a dumbass throughout the whole thing lmao bc i like to find the humor in things

i decided to mention that i was originally planning to ask him to be my bf officially on our next date (that plan had changed since he became cold and distant the past week or two but originally i was planning on doing it on the next date after i got back from the retreat) just bc i was being emotional

at one point he was laying on the bed and i was sitting on the edge of it crying (and covering my face bc im an ugly crier even though he’d already seen plenty of footage of me crying at this point) and he held out his arms and was like “come here” and i was like “no” and looked away and he was like “please” like that was very satisfying bc it showed that he needed comforting as well at that moment

at one point i was just laying on my side rolled up in a ball scream crying into my hands now THAT was messy. it was nice though bc joel moved in behind me and tried to hold me and calm me down. speaking of calming down! there were some points where i got like………REALLY bad like i was breathing so hard and fast it was troubling but whenever i had a wave of that joel held me and tried to soothe me and help me breathe

i even offered to have an open relationship if he wanted (bc this was during the exclusivity convo) bc i was just trying to grasp at any straws i could at the moment in the hopes of reaching an agreement or just stalling for time so i could move past his walls and get through to him. in reality i would never even consider it bc it is definitely not for me but at the moment i was desperate. he said no though bc he knows i wouldnt want that and he said he didnt want me to compromise myself for him

so then this is when we reached the turning point. so joel was laying down and i was like half sitting on the bed/half laying on him. and i said something along the lines of “you dont have to go through this alone, i wanna be there for you” and like when i said alone he lost IT! like we had a breakthrough he started bawling just like i was this whole time!! obviously it was hard for me to see him in that state but it was also kinda nice to see how much he cared 

but then he started breathing really fast and he was like “i think im having a panic attack” so i was like uh oh so i was like omg do you want me to get off of you or something but he was like no stay here so i kept holding him and tried to help him ride it out. but then he choked out the words “i think im making the wrong decision” like !!!! i have never felt such a strong feeling of hope in my life! but i was just like its fine dont worry about it just breathe and btw during this event he was laying on his side so he was looking to the side while i was kinda on top of him so i was like at him. so then he turned to look me directly in the face and………………………

he said “I love you!” like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hearing that made me SO so happy so i was like “i love you too!” and we hugged and kissed and then he was like “ask me!!” and i was like “ask you what???” and he was like “ask me what you were gonna ask me before!” and i was like “OH! joel……will you be my boyfriend?” and he was like “YES!” and then we hugged again and laughed and made out and it was really really passionate even though we were both gross with tears and runny noses, like it might have even been the most passionate kissing ive ever had! it was a very emotionally intimate moment and i loved it

so then he was like “im sorry” and i was like dont worry about it lmao so then we just continued cuddling and kissing and stuff for a while. he told me that he knew i loved him back bc during my breakdown i said “i really really really really liked you” and he said he knew i wanted to say i loved you lol

he also said hes gonna try to open up more and put more of an effort in so!! that was nice

so it was hot in his room and we were all sweaty on top of being gross from crying so we showered together which is always fun. and during the shower he was very touchy and he would like press his body against mine and give little kisses on like my chest or my back which i really loved. we also did some sexual stuff too

then we got out and dried off and he finally said he would watch flavor of love with me!! so we watched a few eps and it was super fun. then we cuddled until we fell asleep holding each other which is always one of my fave parts of our dates. he was very affectionate and sweet and i really liked it. then we fell asleep and in the morning i had to go home bc i had work or something

so yeah thats it! it made me really happy that he said i love you (and that he said it to me first!!) and i made sure he knew that he could always ask me for anything he needed if he was feeling down again or something. so now fast forward to today he is back to texting me every day and being an active and engaging texter! and i went over to do homework with him on monday night which was fun! and then on friday night he invited me over at like midnight and we got checkers and then we hung out and cuddled and watched more flavor of love. and then we did some more sexual things which was really fun! he was really really into me again and he literally is the hottest guy ive ever met so i enjoyed getting to make him feel good and stuff

on friday the 13th i am taking the gsa eboard + jami w me to go see the addams family musical at his school since he is part of the pit orchestra so that will be fun! i am very happy to have joel back and i am even happier that we are officially boyfriends now! and its so so so nice to get i love you texts again!! overall i am very happy with how things turned out and i am glad i fought to make it work instead of just seeing the text and being like ok bye

[kychelsmarie]

An open letter to @taylorswift (hopefully this time it posts & doesn’t just disappear!) Dear Taylor, I know you don’t really know me (you follow me but we’ve never chatted on here nor have I been acknowledged but that’s ok! I know there’s lots of us & ONE DAY you’ll see my post) & this is long, but bare with me please! I just need to say THANK YOU for getting me through my toughest week yet teaching, and also through life. You see you’ve been there for me a lot unknowingly. Growing up with Cystic Fibrosis & chronic pancreatitis, I NEVER thought I’d be able to become a teacher, but I have. So first, thanks for all those times during the hospital I’ve been able to listen to you & make me feel so much better (I told your mom this before, and met you the same night but I never told you, because I was too awestruck). I only wish you came out sooner because your first album didn’t come out until I was 14 & man could I have used you sooner lol but anyways this past week though, man it was tough. You see as a first year teacher I’m still in an “internship” (despite having my teaching degree) which basically means lots of observations & lots of extensive paperwork & putting together stuff to prove myself. Well I had my first all day observation on Halloween of all things! I teach Pre-K (actually 3 year olds, I know 3 y/o in an actual school setting seems crazy but we learn & have so much fun), but as you can imagine I was NERVOUS. My kids come from low income too & not necessarily safe neighborhoods so I knew they couldn’t trick or treat safely so besides trick or treating at school, I also got them a goodie bag with only good candy, gifts, and a Little Red Riding Hood book. So I knew they’d be hyped up & boy were they. I was so worried about it because I thought I failed my observation, but I didn’t! I actually passed. But I had to wait until Friday to find out. On Tuesday though I found out I needed to have my “KTIP binder” together aka tons of evidence proving I’ve been to professional developments & that I’ve been doing thorough lessons & communication with parents. I didn’t think I needed this done until another month, no one told me I needed it on the day of the observation. Well thankfully I was granted an extension until Thursday but I was STRESSED OUT getting it together. On top of this my dog has diabetes & has been sick so I have been a hot mess crying almost all night because I was so stressed & worried & sleep deprived. So where do you come in @taylorswift? First, I’ve been listening to you all week working on lesson plans & as I was stressing over my binder. On Wednesday I was exhausted & busy & stressing & guess who decided to release a behind the scenes of glorious? YOU DID! So that MADE MY NIGHT once I got home & could watch it. I literally texted my bf saying I was “in my happy place” because of you. I stopped crying & started smiling like a dork because if your video. So thank you for that. Then Thursday, my Reputation sweatshirt came in!!!!!! I already bought one shirt but decided I needed the sweater & rewarded my hard work with one & it came on the best of days too because again, I teach 3 year olds & just imagine 3 year olds tired from less sleep the night before, yet on a sugar high. They were CRAZY that day. They tested my patience like never before. But again, just like magic, you saved me again that night. Thursday was my 5th night in a row of less than 3hrs of sleep a night so I was EXHAUSTED & now running a fever I believe due to stress & lack of sleep (& a crappy immune system to begin with). I was hoping for sleep Thursday since I did get my ktip binder done, but Mother Nature & my dogs had other plans. My dog kept waking up whining & also peeing all over the house & then it started to storm. So here I thought I went to bed early so I’d get sleep...HAH! Nope. 3 hours after falling asleep I was back awake & never fell back to sleep because of storms then too. Good news? YOU SAVED THE MORNING! I had little sleep but I listened to “Call it What you want” on replay all morning. This is by far my favorite song yet so anyways, you yet again saved me from having a complete breakdown that morning due to no sleep again...if it weren’t for your song coming out, I don’t know how the day would have gone so THANK YOU! Anyways, my original post that never actually posted was much shorter yet way better worded so I’m sorry this is so long, if you read this far, THANK YOU. I just wanted to let you know how in what may seem fairly insignificant to you, you made my week. You saved me from myself. Love, Chelsea Ps: shoutout to Noah who this pic was taken on Friday shortly after he also helped make my day by touching my leg during story time randomly saying, “I love you Ms. chelsea” for the first time ever. He never says that & isn’t usually a kid to show affection much so this meant so much.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I’m the reason you came here, I’m the American Tragedy

Went to sleep crying, woke up crying

My bf mom slipped me $20 last night as I left and it was so hard not to use that to go hit up a liquor store when I left the funeral home.

Luckily they dressed my sister really nice.  So nice that I expected her to sit up and tell me it was all some kind of a joke.  I’m glad I went in alone b/c seeing her in that casket was more than I could handle and I started crying.  I hate people to see me cry, and I have been that way my whole life from the time my mom died when I was 12.  I’ve locked myself away and very, very rarely cry in public.  

Being told on the bus going home from work that my friend Little Mike had died is one of the only times I have had a public breakdown......that and LeAnn’s suicide when we were in DC.

I’ve been straightedge for nearly 15 years but sometimes that is still my first inclination when I have no idea how to handle the pain.  

I couldn’t even pray last night, I just laid there.

Woke up this morning and my cats were burrowed against me in the bed.  My sister Toni called me and talked to me until almost midnight.  From now on I guess I can just refer to her as “my sister” since she is the only one I have left and there is no one to get her confused with.

My meth head niece was somewhat lucid last night and I had to act nice b/c she was surrounded by all her trailer trash friends.  But playing nice is going to at least get me some of the family photos, everything else will be pawned for drugs.

Last year my sister broke her hip and ended up in the hospital.   When she got out she had nothing to eat b/c my niece and her husband stole all my sister’s food.   They stole her pain medication.  When she would call and ask her only daughter to bring her something to eat, my meth head niece would demand to be paid for it.  She is pure trash and always has been.  And believe me last night I wanted nothing more than to claw her eyes out.  I’ve got to go see her today to get stuff of my mom’s my sister had and some old family photos.

Because of having to leave my drug addict husband with only what I could carry last year I didn’t get to take many photos so I am really grateful to get this stuff even though I’d as soon spit on my niece as talk to her.

Dates are fucking with my head.  Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and Terri and LeAnn are together in heaven and that’s the greatest Mother’s Day present she could ever have and I know it’s what she secretly wanted ever since LeAnn killed herself.   It was also right about this time last year that Jeannie, LeAnn’s best friend and my best friend’s little sister died of cancer and Terri took me to the funeral.

Terri took me to mom’s funeral, dad’s funeral, Jim’s funeral, Margo’s funeral, Jeannie’s funeral (I was out of state for LeAnn’s and Kim’s) and now I am going all alone to hers.  It is fucking with my head so bad, it is all I can think about.

“Is this me? Is this you? So hard to understand this world Is it true? Will be soon So hard to understand this world.....”