#one year for christmas she gave me beef jerky

[fortjester]

don't wanna sound entitled or anything but i just think that if i'm gonna be getting gifts, it should be stuff i want. if it's just gonna be random shit you're crossing your fingers n hoping i'll like, i'm honestly not that jazzed abt it i'll be real. i'd rather not get anything if you couldn't genuinely think of anything you KNEW i'd like.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3792

merry crismis

it's crismis!

merry crisis

merry chrysler

today was a damn good day.

i did wake up early because we were supposed to start doing stuff before 9:30, but i woke up early enough to talk to leo for a while. that was nice.

i eventually got up and threw on a bra and robe and made my way downstairs. of course the lights were on and everything was exactly as i left it last night since i was the last one up (as per usual), but it was daylight and i was less sleepy so that was good.

i went to bother chels and james when they didn't show up at 9:30, and they made their way out to the living room and we dove right in.

we always start with stockings first, and so i got up to hand them out from their location on the stairs. the additions to them in terms of stuff i got when i went out last night were exactly what were needed. beef jerky for chels, a giant kitkat for james, macadamia nuts for mom, goobers for dad. of course, when i got stuff for myself i just got a couple things because i didn't need a whole lot, but i wanted to spoil everybody else because they all have different tastes and it's nice to spoil them.

gifts went well! i got mom a potato ricer, a mug warmer, a new mount for her phone for her car, and a planner. james i gave fleece lined beanies with lights built in and a waterproof bluetooth speaker. chelsea i gave cowtales and a sticker of caitlyn from arcane as a mongoose, and i gave my papa a book about the production of a war movie that he likes.

i received a BUNCH of woobles kits that i wanted and a few extra accessories (yay!) from papa. mom got me a new northeastern sweatshirt because at some point in the last year and a half i lost my original one. but momma got me an identical one and i was so pleased to receive it. and the gift i got from chelsea and james was both hilarious and perfect:

a rice cooker.

a month ago or so, chelsea and i were making dinner. i'm fairly certain it was stir fry, so we had to make rice. but we've been the people who use a regular-ass pot to cook rice on the stove like normal, i guess. but i looked at this, and i said to chelsea, "how white does our family gotta be to not have a RICE COOKER." and she laughed because it's both hilarious and true.

and so she and james got me a rice cooker.

so now we have a rice cooker.

and it's fucking awesome.

after we finished with our gifts, i went and showered and got dressed and put on my new sweatshirt (which fits perfectly). i got myself together and i grabbed a big box at the table that had gifts for aunt wendy and gramma in it, and mom and i headed to manchester.

aunt wendy is a little bit miserable being back at gramma's since she's sleeping in gramma's den because it's the only place aunt wendy can sleep sitting up. but we brought the gifts over and were there while they opened stuff. mom and i made a christmas quilt and we gave it to aunt wendy. she loves it.

every year mom gets aunt wendy a snow globe from the san francisco snow globe company. it's a tradition from their dad who passed in 2001. it happens every year. and every year they both cry. christmas was grampa's favorite holiday, so it's tough on them.

but gramma gave me some gingerbread cookies which i'm thoroughly addicted to (the recipe is 302 years old, homie. this shit's been like crack cocaine for generations), but this time she made them into piggies!! they were delightful. what a great shape for a gingerbread cookie.

after being there for maybe 20 minutes, mom and i had to leave again. she was NOT feeling good, and being in gramma's company drains her quickly. so we headed back home.

the rest of the afternoon consisted of playing uno show em no mercy (which mom has dubbed "uno mega kill" because she can't remember the name), eating cookies, and watching battle bots. eventually i got up to make dinner.

yesterday i made the executive decision to make chicken taco salad for dinner. it was the right call.

i cut the chicken first, into little pieces that were often too big, but i had so much that i had to cut and cook in batches. thankfully, one batch took the same time to cook as the next batch did to cut. i started with putting the salsa into a crock pot, turned it on high, and then as the chicken got cooked, i dumped it right in to keep it hot and cook it together.

when that was all done, it was time for the ultimate gift:

the rice cooker.

i pulled it out, washed it and dried it all, and then got to making the mexican rice. the packages filled just over three times of the little cup that it came with. filled it with water to the line, plugged it in, pressed the buttons, closed the lid. and away it went. fucking superb.

i left the slow cooker and the rice cooker on the stove while i went and talked to my sister who showed me her gifts and stuff. i went back and forth between the kitchen, the eggs' space, and the living room. it took about half an hour to finish totally, which gave the chicken enough time to get salsa juice, cook the rice completely, and then get some beans heated up.

dinner was perfect. and there was so much choke i cooked that there's PLENTY for leftovers. james, chels, and dad will be very happy with their leftovers. there's enough of all of it.

i did, however, fuck up when cleaning the rice cooker, but i fixed it by disassembling it further lmao. i put it back together without issue.

after cleaning up after myself, i grabbed some stuff from my car and came upstairs. i watched an episode and a half of ncis with mom and moved my shit into my room.

i checked in with joel while i was cooking dinner. he's been chillin. i'll probably see him on friday, which will be nice. but that means i gotta wrap all the gifts i have for him and his family, since their christmas is saturday.

and all day i've been talking to leo. leo, who is as incredibly sweet as he is incredibly horny, is simply very cute. i am planning on seeing him next week for the standard sleepover, complete with vidya games, drinking, dinner, dick, and diner food in the morning. it's a great arrangement, but i wish i had more money so i could see him more often. he's one of my very best friends and i love hanging out with him.

but that leads us to now. i am in bed, my eyes are tired, and i have to get up at a stupid hour tomorrow because we have someone coming to deal with our heating. at 8am. which is rude.

but that's all. merry crimbo to all and to all a happy hanukkah and happy kwanzaa. :)

[trivialbob]

This was a fine holiday.

One the Eve, Sheila and I hosted people at our house. Our favorite neighbor couples, our two sons, and the daughter and her boyfriend of one of the couples. I’ve liked that over the years the adult children of our friends always felt comfortable hanging out with the parents at a party or gathering.

We had food for forty. I didn’t over indulge on drinks because I wanted to eat a bit of everything in the kitchen. We had a plentiful assortment of spirits, wines, and ales too. After dinner we played bingo. Winners (which was everyone) got to pick from an assortment of fun and silly gifts.

That night six people and five dogs stayed at our house. We were surrounded by love, friendship, and barking. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

After people left or went to bed, Sheila, Matt, Jack, and I stayed up for a little bit to exchange gifts. Matt brought me some local products from his home in Santa Fe: beer, coffee (made with pinon nuts), and beef jerky. Jack gave me some really good coffee that one of his colleagues makes and some accessories for the gift they all gave me. It’s one of the coolest things I’ve received in ages. I will write about that in a separate post.

Christmas day Sheila, Matt, Jack and I went to my SIL’s house. This is the second holiday season without my FIL. Christmas-time was his favorite time of the year. It’s still a bit odd not having him there, with him bringing abundant gifts for all and cracking jokes at my SIL’s cooking. We again played bingo, and winners got fun things, like candy, gift cards, and other items.

Yesterday my side of the family met at my sister and BIL’s farm. My brother brought his new girlfriend. She seemed comfortable around everyone, which was nice. All but one of the grandsons where there. The missing one returned to school in Madison. He’s in the marching band and had to get back to get ready for the trip to Las Vegas where the Badgers play Arizona State in the SRS Distribution (WTF?) Las Vegas Bowl on Thursday.

Everyone brought a bottle of booze to exchange. Matt ended up with an interesting one: Italian gin packaged in a container resembling and oil can.

Before going home we went to the barn to visit the animals. It’s my sister’s private petting zoo. Three miniature donkeys, three goats, two miniature cows and some chickens. We tried coaxing barn cat Helen out of the hay bales, but she’d have none of that. Martha, the yellow lab, ran circles around us as she avoided getting head butted by the goats.

We departed for home just before dark. Snow was coming. We made it home safe and sound as the roads stayed dry. That evening Sheila, Matt and I watched a movie, The French Dispatch. Interesting. Plenty of famous actors, but none who were the primary focus over the others. As the movie played the snow finally started to fall. It was only an inch or two. Everything outside is beautifully covered in white, but not so much that it will be a chore to clear the driveway.

[thepermanentrainpress]

THE PERMANENT RAIN PRESS INTERVIEW WITH AZRIEL DALMAN

He may only be 7 years old, but don’t let numbers fool you. Azriel (Azi) Dalman already has nearly thirty credits to his name! The accomplished young artist from Vancouver has had a big 2020, but there’s no slowing down for Azi, who has a number of exciting upcoming projects to share with the world. 

Your older brother, Aias, is also an actor. While you are only 7 years old, tell us about your interest in following his footsteps, and what made you want to start auditioning for film/TV?

I loved seeing the completed films my brother was in but I didn’t really understand how he got into them. One day, I was 3 maybe, we went to a commercial audition for my brother and the Casting Director came into the waiting room and asked the kids to practice singing “Old MacDonald.” I knew the song and sang it also. They took the kids in to audition as a group and I asked why this was happening. My mom said it was because they were going to see who should be in the commercial where they sing it. I realized what an audition was then, it meant they were trying out to see who got to be on the video. I asked if I could go do it too and my mom said no because it was not my audition, so I asked if I could get auditions too. After that I got an agent. I never got to audition by singing “Old MacDonald” though so I guess that ship has sailed.

What are your favourite movies or characters?

I love Wall-E and Soul for cartoons. For TV Characters I like Jim and Dwight from The Office a lot. I used to want to be Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I think I definitely look like him! And of course I love the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe)!

What is your favourite snack from catering? Is there a food item that you’re most excited to see on the daily menu on-set?

My favourite is a drink, it’s the iced tea. I also like M&Ms but I’m only supposed to have the yellow or orange ones or my mouth will change colours which annoys the people who do makeup... I don’t want to stress them out. I like beef jerky and ramen bowls too but they usually hide those on the truck so you have to ask for them special. For lunch I like trying the new things but my favourite most recent new food was crunchy pork! The 3rd ADs are so nice and deliver the food to my trailer but I like to go for a walk after we eat in the trailer and say hi to the catering people and look at the dessert. On this last project, they learned I liked watermelon on the first day and kept keeping special watermelon for me.

You recently wrapped Coyote Creek Christmas, your first Hallmark Christmas Movie! Congratulations! You worked opposite Ryan Paevey (as your father) and Janel Parrish, tell us about your experience working with Ryan and Janel.

Ryan and Janel are the best humans. They are both down to earth, kind, patient, friendly, funny, loving, talented, and FUN. It was so much fun to work with them because they treated me like a real friend and with a lot of respect. They included me in all of their talks and fun, and never made me feel like I was annoying them because I am a kid. I was very excited to see them every day and now I ask to see their Instagram posts because I love looking at their pictures! I am not surprised they work a lot, they are so good at acting and being around them is so easy. Ryan knows everything about bugs and Pokémon. Both of them are obsessed with dogs and when they saw someone walk by with a dog, they would hug and kiss the dogs... random dogs! It was really funny. They taught me a lot of acting tips also, both on purpose and by accident.

We saw on Instagram that Ryan took you to see Free Guy at the movie theater! Was it easy for you to bond as father-son?

It was easy and instant and it feels like I’ve always known Ryan as a real uncle or something. Sometimes when I am someone’s kid in a movie, I have to do real acting to pretend I am their kid, not because they aren’t nice but because I don’t know them well and I don’t really get to know them too well on the project. With Ryan I didn’t really have to do any acting to pretend I knew him, because I got to know him fast.

What can you share about your character, Noah Bailey?

I don’t think I can say too many spoilers, but I will say that Noah gets to be sarcastic and funny, and I love that. I don’t get to be funny on a MOW (movie of the week) usually, I just get to be cute or scared or sad. Noah was supposed to be a 10-year-old so I got to do some smart lines! And we have some funny scenes too. Ryan said one of the scenes we have together is his favourite scene he has ever done because it’s so funny and cute, and I thought that was really cool.

You can now cross this career goal off your list! Why was a Hallmark Christmas Movie on your bucket list; what do you (and your family) enjoy about them each holiday season?

Christmas movies are the kind of movies you watch every year like a tradition and I love things that are a tradition. My family lives in Vancouver, Canada but MOST of my family lives in America so we don’t get to see them at Christmas. I wanted to be in a Christmas movie so my family far away could see me on the TV at Christmas when they are missing me and so I can watch the movie with my kids when I’m a grown up and say “haha that is me!” For Christmas my family puts up a tree and we eat really good food. We also watch Christmas movies like Rankin/Bass movies, Home Alone, and Die Hard which is definitely a Christmas movie. I basically love everything about Christmas, especially the decorating. My birthday is 2 days after Christmas so I think I’m a Christmas Boy for sure.

Is it funny to see Christmas decorations and fake snow in the summer?

It was a little bit funny but it was also confusing! My brain kept forgetting what season it was. My mom warned me over and over again with every Christmas movie audition that it would be hot, but the joke was on her because we actually had some days that were cold! There were only one or two reallllly hot outside days. We got very lucky. I think the times it was hot on set it was mostly because of the gear and no air conditioning being on. Air conditioning is too loud for movies, I think. It wrecks the sound or something.

You are set to star in the short film Dragon Fruit. What can you share about this project?

Dragon Fruit is going to be so good. The Director, Jeremy Brown, is really nice and smart and made the whole experience really special for all the actors. His props and special effects are amazing... he makes them almost all himself... and the film is going to be... guess what... a sci-fi! It’s post-apocalyptic. A funny thing about it is that I am very dirty in the film so I would go to set clean and they would basically put fake dirt all over me and make my hair messy, then when I left they would clean me up! On one of the shoot dates I had to do a live interview in the middle of the day for another project, so they had to make me dirty, clean me up, and then make me dirty again, and then clean me up again!

Yvonne Chapman will play your mother. She is remarkable in the CW’s Kung Fu as Zhilan. Did it surprise you to see her as the villain in the show?

I was shocked she was a villain because in real life she is definitely NOT a villain type, she is so nice. She is obviously very good at acting! But I am not surprised she is so tough in that show because she does some really tough things in Dragon Fruit too! Yvonne is really nice to work with also, she sits and talks to me and makes jokes with me. I am wrapped on Dragon Fruit now which is sort of sad, because we did it for like 6 months or something, but at least it means the film will be out soon.

You have a part in the action sci-fi Moonfall out next year, and you even made it into the teaser trailer! How exciting! While you likely cannot say much about Sonny Child, what can you share about your initial reaction to booking this movie?

Everything about Moonfall was very exciting. The audition was one of the first ones I got after the forced break by COVID and when we saw it was in Montreal and they were auditioning kids all over Canada we thought it was a long shot, but auditions are opportunities that can be very rare, so you should always do an audition if you are comfortable with it, and always do your best. Anyway yeah, this one was far from Vancouver so when I booked it, we were extra shocked and grateful. Honestly even after the booking, we were not sure it would really happen because of the virus and how things changed every day, so we did not even believe it would happen until we were on the plane! Montreal was the best, I loved it there so much, and I hope I get to work at Grande Studios again!

Did you get to meet and interact with your director, Roland Emmerich? What did you learn from him, and had you (or maybe your parents!) watched any of his previous films?

Yes of course, Roland was the Director so he directed me! Before we left, I watched Independence Day and I was very impressed and thought “This guy really knows what he is doing! I better know my role well!” Roland was very nice and so was Harald (Kloser). They both gave me lots of compliments and I loved that! It was very full-on too, I worked every minute of my time on set there with the exception of my legal breaks and lunch. I loved it so much and I hope I will get to work with Roland on another project someday. I don’t know how to specifically describe what I learned without spoilers, but yeah it was a huge learning opportunity.

What is your favourite object you have gotten to take home from any set?

It’s impossible to choose just one! These are in no order, ok? The first thing is actually TECHNICALLY a lot of things because I often get to take home wardrobe from my character’s “closet” when we wrap. I am obsessed with clothes and was given really cool clothing from the costumers on many sets. Most recently I got a mint hoody I love. I audition in those clothes a lot for good luck. The second thing is a special prop that Jeremy Brown MADE me on Dragon Fruit as a wrap gift. There is a super cool secret weapon in the movie that I will not spoil, and Jeremy MADE me a safer toy version of it. Before my mom saw it was a toy version, she looked very scared when he handed it to me! Third, there are two special items Noah Bailey ALWAYS has with him in Coyote Creek Christmas (no spoilers!) and Ryan, David Strasser (the Director), and Antonio Cupo (the Executive Producer) presented them to me TO KEEP AS GIFTS at wrap in front of the whole crew. It was very special. I am saving these things forever, even some of the clothes! AND one more ok? Fourth, I get to keep the signs that say my name on my set chair and/or trailer door during projects. I hang those up on my wall in my room.

Is there a dream role or character you would like to play in the future? If not character, are there any specific film/TV genres or franchises you would like to be in?

Ok so here’s the thing. I had a few wishes that I wanted to come true in acting... one was the Christmas movie... and one was to play a very specific other actor’s sibling in something. GUESS WHAT? Both those things came true in 2021. Do you know the odds of that sibling thing coming true... my mom said it seemed impossible! But it did come true SOMEHOW. So now I am setting my goals super high and not worrying about how impossible they seem or how many there are. My biggest next goal is to be in Marvel ANYTHING. And you know what, I think Ryan should be in Marvel too, so I think my next goal is to be in Marvel with Ryan! I also want to be a voice of a video game character pretty badly! I also want to do some comedy!

What are your favourite places to visit or eat at in Vancouver?

I am obsessed with sushi and Korean food and lately my favourite place is Shabusen Yakiniku House because you can get both. There’s also a place on Granville Street called The Colony that has a bunch of old arcade games and I love that place too but we haven’t been since before COVID. I hope it’s still there.

You also enjoy other forms of arts like ballet, reading, and writing comics. How do you find the time for all your activities, school, and your growing career in film?

Oh I have a lot of free time. It’s weird. It sounds like I do a lot of stuff but lots of other kids tell me they do like 10 activities really well! I don’t want to do 10 activities because I really like relaxing, so instead of doing like 10, I want to do a few and just do them really well. Ballet is great because I feel like a ninja in the clothes, I don’t have to audition to do it, and it’s definitely a sport. Reading and writing comics I can do while relaxing, and even when I’m on set!

Tell us about the role your parents play in your life and career, not only for you but your brother as well! You keep them busy, but they must be so supportive of you.

My mom does mostly all the acting stuff like keeping track of the auditions and taping and going to set. My dad is a little nervous about going to set for some reason, but I think he would be fine! We are very busy but no one seems to ever complain. The only time it’s a little sad is when we are apart for long during filming but we always do video calls then.

For other young actors like yourself, do you have any advice for how to be confident in front of the camera? What (or who) has helped you prepare for roles and memorize lines?

I think to feel confident you have to know what you are doing. I was confident when I was 3 for some random reason, and then I took some acting classes at LeBlanc School of Acting and those helped me know what I was doing for sure. I have had lots of coaches teach me stuff like Julian, Athena, Kirsten, Natalie, Brian, and Beatrice are a few of their names. Sorry if I forgot anyone! For most specific auditions, I use the things ALL those people taught me and then I work with my brother on the specific scripts. Oh and on the set of my last movie, my new actor friend Naomi King told me that you should learn the scene not the lines... but you will definitely learn the lines once you learn the scene!

We have our signature question for you – if you could be any ice cream flavour, which would you be and why?

Well... I would not want to be ice cream! But if I had to be, I’d definitely be Green Tea or Mango.

Thanks for the insight into your projects and thoughts, Azi! We cannot wait to see you return to action on our screens, and follow as your career grows. To stay up to date on Azi’s upcoming projects and get a behind the scenes look into his busy and exciting life, follow him on Instagram. 

Photo credit (top) to: Candace Woods Special thanks to: NoodleHead Productions

[foreficfandom]

Mystic Messenger - Their Favorite Gift From MC

-- Zen: Customized Bracelet --

Zen’s sort of an excessive person so he’s almost always the one giving you gifts. He doesn’t want for much and the stuff he does - like skincare products - you used to buy for him but he eventually convinced you to buy it also for yourself so you could do sheet masks together.

When you do buy gifts for him, it can be a bit difficult. His fans send him a bunch of stuff all the time, like baked goods, or fanart, or neckties. He, of course, is a lot happier when you decide to hand him something, but it’s almost never something he’s ever gotten before.

You have to outsource. So you order a custom-stamped leather bracelet from an indie crafter, something he can wear while rehearsing without worrying about it falling off. On the outside, you have ‘I love you’, and on the inside ‘Zen x MC’. 

You give it to him for Valentine’s, his favorite holiday. Zen dedicates the entire day to you and him, and pushes aside the many packages from his fans for later. 

You hand him a little box, and he opens it to gasp dramatically at the bracelet, immediately putting it on and exploring the texture of the leather. The lightly-colored tan matches his complexion perfectly.

First, a kiss for you, then its 904709 selfies with him proudly modeling his gift. It goes on his social media to a slight ruckus, because Zen’s never shown off any gifts he’s gotten before. 

“My love is so thoughtful!!! Such a beautiful bracelet <3333″

Your name isn’t on the outside to maintain privacy, which proves to be a good idea since that picture is circulated like crazy to mixed reactions.

Zen doesn’t care, this is by far the best gift he’s ever gotten. He hugs you tightly and promises to wear it always.

-- Yoosung: Vinyl Laptop Stickers --

You like to buy knick-knacks for each other on occasion. Yoosung’s wallet isn’t packing so he can only get you stuff once and a while, and you return the favor with other little things.

And Yoosung is also kinda already surrounded by little trinkets and other stuff he’s collected on his own. Little figurines and toys from vending machines, plastic reward favors from convenience stores, character-themed pens and mugs and phone charms. 

It can get a little cluttered. His backpack alone is heavily decorated with pinback buttons and enamel pins, and you know he’s home just by the jingling of the many charms hanging off the zippers.

He’s also of a romantic and ‘cute’ mind, so when you give him practical gifts of a headset holder for his gaming desktop, he’s pleased but ... he prefers it when your gifts aren’t quite so banal.

You eventually do some deep surfing for his upcoming birthday, and find this adorable pack of laptop stickers based off of LOLOL characters. These wouldn’t take up anymore of his space, and he could still carry them with him. So during his birthday dinner, you give it to him over cake and he opens it with a gasp. 

“It’s ... oh, it’s so cute! It’s perfect, MC!” He hugs you tightly and immediately has you help him stick them on. 

He uses this laptop for school, bringing it with him on most days, so it was the perfect gift to remember you by. Whenever he opens his laptop in the student lounge, or in class, he sees all those bright colors reminding him of his favorite pastime, but also he thinks of you and how much you love each other.

-- Jaehee: Promise Ring --

You’ve gotten her spice giftboxes for her cooking, a set of cozy loungewear for the both of you, and other cute things she absolutely adores.

But her true favorite? Her engagement ring. A dainty little band that matches yours perfectly. You had proposed to her during a beautiful evening in the park, making her tear up. 

“We’re partners, now,” you said. She gave a watery smile and put her ring on proudly.

South Korea wouldn’t allow marriage between you two, so these rings promised more than a union. It promised a brighter future in the face of adversity. It promised progress in the name of love and equality. 

Jaehee struggles with societal expectations for a woman like her. This ring was like a shield against the worse thoughts, or an anchor during the more tremulous times. She had chosen to pursue you against the world’s wishes, and it was the best decision she’s ever made.

You and her wear the rings 24/7. To an onlooker, it just seemed like the two of you were separately engaged people. But she knows differently. A proud little secret. 

Customers sometimes make comments about them. She’d be ringing them up, and they’ll notice the brilliant white sapphire. “When’s the date?” some have asked. She stammered,  “It’s in the making.” The customer nodded, and wished her a happy union. 

She twists the ring around her finger, looking at you wistfully. It will be a happy union. One day!

-- Jumin: Custom-Made Cologne --

What the heck do you gift the man who could have anything he wanted? Material possessions are never a strain for him. He grew up knowing that any toy, any trinket, any new technology or experience he desired, he would get. He’d ask for ice cream and his father’d purchase an entire chain. 

His current self rarely buys indulgences. He’s had years of being fulfilled already. But he definitely buys gifts for you, almost to ridiculous levels. You can see from the diversity of gifts that he has a reach for any product or merchandise, anywhere at any time. 

When it came time to get him a gift, you had asked the RFA for advice. And everyone was as clueless as you were. Even Jihyun wasn’t sure; the two of them have almost never exchanged gifts throughout the long years of their friendship, since they knew the other was showered in generosity already. 

“You’re gonna have to go custom. Something that can’t be bought,” Zen suggested. So when Jumin announced that he had to go to Birmingham for a business meeting, you came along with him. Which you seldom do, since it’s two days of Jumin being stuck at meetings leaving you to your own devices. But you had a plan.

You looked up a luxury custom perfumery, and with the help of an expert nez you crafted a bottle that would complement him perfectly. On the bottle was a label that said “Love Forever by MC”. 

So for his birthday, he accepted his gift with grace and asked where you bought it. “This bottle doesn’t look like its from Clive Christian, is it? Maybe it’s Dior ...” 

You explained where you got it, and giggled when his mouth dropped open in surprise. He opened it, sniffed, and his smile grew bigger ‘cause it was so much more special now. It was made under your hand, something that will never be replicated. His and his only. 

He loves wearing it to work. It’s so wonderful to be surrounded by a smell that reminds him of you. 

-- Saeyoung: Fingerprint Charm --

He’s a surprisingly complicated man to gift. Like Jumin, he neither lacks nor wants for material needs. Sometimes you’ve given him cute candies or hand-knitted mittens for winter, and meanwhile he’ll give you ridiculously advanced robot cats or he’ll bust out his packing wallet and boom, you’ve got a new Gucci clutch bag.

He kinda knows that he’s hard to gift. So whenever you shyly hand over a six-pack of gag-flavored soda for Christmas or something, he makes a big show of loving it and thanking you with kisses and nuzzles. And he does love it! He’s never had gifts before, not from V or Rika or his co-workers, and definitely not from his mother. Just the thought that someone cared enough to surprise him with trinkets is so heartwarming.

But your anniversary was coming up. It marked the day that Saeyoung’s life turned around a complete 180 for the better. A very important day, one that you couldn’t mark with an exotic beef jerky bouquet or whatever.

One day, while touring a small art fair, you found an indie jeweler who offered custom fingerprint charms. You set up a date to come in and make a mold by pressing your thumb into a block of sand, which was cast into a mold and into which steel was poured. 

You gave it to him over a late-night car ride date. He took the charm out of the little bag and stared at it, you explained what it was. “That’s my very own fingerprint right there. I hope it’s something you can carry with you, and remember me by.”

He was silent for a few long seconds. You saw that his hand was shaking. So you reached over and kissed him, he embraced you tightly and said with a wavering voice, “Thank you.” A sniffle, and he was back to his cheery self. You helped him put it on his keychain, next to his car keys. 

He loves it dearly. Especially when he fingers the print and feels the groves, imagining your hand.

-- Saeran: Sweater --

For a long while, Saeran couldn’t live a proper civilian life and spent many days holed up at home, stuck in an anxious and depressive slump. Any venture outside was an ordeal for him. Bit by bit, through therapy and medication, he regained his confidence.

You found this sweater online, and you knew how much he liked wearing sweaters at home. It had this quote on it that the both of you were familiar with. It had been one of the repeated self-forgiving phrases his therapist suggested. Saeran took to that phrase particularly well. He repeats it in his mind when he feels himself on the verge of a breakdown, and it helps de-escalate. 

You knew you had to buy it. But keeping it secret from Saeran was kinda a challenge because he likes to tour around your internet history when he’s bored. Not for malicious reasons, he’s just curious and wants to know what kind of stuff you like to re-tweet, or what shops you frequent. 

So with Saeyoung’s help, you ordered the sweater under a guise Saeran wouldn’t be able to crack without some effort, and it ended up being a legit surprise when you handed Saeran his gift. 

You watched his eyes trace the quote carefully, and at his fingers tracing the screenprinted flowers. He was quiet for a long while, just exploring the sweater thoroughly.

He can’t remember the last time he’s gotten a gift. Maybe it had been never. His eyes teared up.

You hugged him close and stroked his hair like he said he enjoys. It was almost hard for him to accept this from you; he’d spent years trying to approve others under threat of violence, and he’s rarely gotten to experience true generosity. 

He wears it at least once a week. It’s his absolute favorite article of clothing forever and ever. 

-- Jihyun: Filled Scrapbook -- 

For the holidays, Jihyun had given you a beautiful set of jewelry over dinner, along with a framed photo of yourself that he had taken some time before. He rarely decides to spoil you with his riches, but sometimes the occasion calls for it. 

How can you match up with his generosity? You knew Jihyun would be charmed with whatever you gave him, but you wanted your gift to mean something. 

Once your anniversary began to creep up, you had an idea and began working on your project two weeks in advance - it was going to be a beautiful scrapbook of not just Jihyun’s photos, but also little momentos and decorations on every page, detailing particular moments of your life together up to this point. 

You scoured his instagram, printing out copies onto photo paper and cutting and pasting. You folded within old plane, bus, and boat tickets. There were sightseeing brochures from trips abroad, old restaurant menus, stamps from envelopes he had sent you. You wrote messages and captions with multicolored ink. 

Extra special were the pages dedicated to when the two of you moved into the new apartment together, and when V was officially recovered from retina surgery, and also the first RFA party he co-hosted with you. Some pages touched on more sad subjects.

Finally, you finished the scrapbook just in time for the anniversary, and it was all worth it to see Jihyun completely blown away by the effort you put into it. He spent several minutes on every page, talking them over with you and reminiscing. 

He managed to hold in his tears until the last page, which you kept empty except for a calligraphy script that said, “... and into the beyond.”

[gotboredwrote]

Starting Early // TM!JFM

Pairing: Tim Murphy x Fem!Reader Word Count: 8.2K Style: One-Shot Warnings: Fluff, some pregnancy discussions, swearing, some angst Summary: You and Tim had been trying for a baby for a while, and one day you popped into the museum with a small box in hand ready to make what you could only imagine was a very stressful day better. Once it’s official, Tim cannot wait to show the baby around his place of work. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: This could have been written for literally anyone I write for but I had a strong urge for Tim, so that’s that.

Masterlist

~

To say that it had been a stressful time in Tim’s life was an understatement. One of the biggest stresses of his life had recently come to a head, though, and that was yours and his wedding. But he would never admit to you that the planning had stressed him out. You, on the other hand, made that apparent. That was something he loved about you. You were not shy, so you two balanced each other out. The wedding ended up being absolutely amazing, and the honeymoon was a great way to relieve all the pent-up stress.

Once the honeymoon was over and the two of you were back to your daily grinds, the other stresses in his life returned, including the museum, dealing with his kooky family, and a new pressure entered, as well. One that he was not quite sure he was ready for, but knew he wanted the minute you suggested the idea. You two were going to try for a baby.

But things were not working out the way you wanted. You were positive you were doing things right, but it had been months and no test came back positive. After almost half a year of trying, you were both getting extremely discouraged, and Tim’s workload had increased tenfold, so he was even more tense than usual. To say that you both were wrecked over the situation was an understatement, and after the day you saw Tim go to work with tears in his eyes, you were determined to pick up his spirits. But you were not sure how you were going to do that.

Until you took the most recent test.

~

You had woken up sick to your stomach the morning after Tim left with tears in his eyes, and could not hold it back. Tim was about to walk out the door when he heard you in the bathroom and rushed over to the door to check on you.

“Babe?”

All he was met with were some sputtering coughs.

“Y/N?”

“W-what?”

“You need me to stay home today?”

You trudged your way over and opened the door to face him instead of talking through it.

“I’m okay. The chicken last night must not be agreeing with me. I’ll be okay, go get your work done. I’ll just see you when you come home, okay?”

“But you’re sick, I can’t—”

“Yes you can. I’ve been sick when you’re away on a dig and been fine.”

“You’ve been sick when I’m away and not told me?!”

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you, honey. Now go off to work because I think round two is coming.”

“Babe—”

And the door was shut in his face. ‘Great,’ he thought. ‘Now I have to worry about her, my job, and the fact that my body is so screwed up it can’t even give her a damn baby.’ He walked out to his car feeling even more defeated than usual and a little bit depressed. He could not help but wonder if he was worth being with you, as dramatic as that was.

As Tim was walking out, and you were finishing up the round two that came rather violently, something dawned on you. And it both terrified you and made you thrilled.

Once you felt like you could stand up without feeling dizzy, something else that had been happening the last few days, you got changed and grabbed your own car keys. You raced down to your local drug store, the same pharmacist seeing where in the store you were heading. He was glad you did not see him, but he gave you a pitiful look. He stopped counting after you had bought 40 tests. He had never seen someone more determined to have a baby, and he just did not have the courage to breach such a sensitive subject with you. But he did not have to worry for much longer, because the next time you came in the store, you bought beef jerky, something you or Tim never ate. And he knew.

When you got home, you practically shot gunned a bottle of water in an effort to get ready for the little stick that was more daunting than it should have been. Then, as soon as you felt the sensation, you went in the bathroom, and the waiting game commenced.

5 minutes.

4.

3.

2.

1.

…

It was not even two little lines you got to see. You had splurged in the hopes that maybe this would be the one on one of those tests that quite literally spells out ‘not pregnant’ or ‘pregnant.’ You read the result.

And you could not wait to drive to the museum.

~

The drive usually only takes about 20 minutes, and even though that was all it took this time, the nerves and nausea radiating through your stomach made it feel like 20 years. On the way there, you had stopped at a local craft store and bought a small, white box and some blue and pink tissue paper to place the test in. It was astounding to you how a small piece of plastic was about to change yours and Tim’s life for the better.

You parked your car and made your way into the museum, Lilah the normal receptionist sitting in her chair having her daily coffee and pastry. She saw you walk in, smiled at you, and waved you through. Normally, the people who come to see someone on staff are required to have a visitor pass, and when you and Tim first started dating, you were no exception to the rule. Now, the entire staff of the museum knew who you were, and thought it was just plain silly for a staff member’s wife to wear a badge, especially when you visited so much you practically worked there yourself.

Once through the opening exhibit, you made your way back to the hallway of offices and walked up the flight of steps to the second floor where Tim’s office was. As you were walking up the steps, though, one of Tim’s bosses happened to be walking down and started talking to you.

“Y/N! I’m not really surprised to see you here, but it’s always nice to see you, nonetheless. What does Tim owe the pleasure?”

“I actually have a surprise for him, Jerry.” Jerry was Tim’s oldest boss, and he was genuinely the sweetest man you had ever gotten the pleasure of meeting. “Is he in his office?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure, actually. Here, I’ll follow you up and if his door is locked, I can let you in and you can wait for him.”

“That’d would be great, Jerry, thank you very much.”

You walked up, and sure enough Tim’s office was locked. Having Jerry there was a blessing, and he was about to leave you and lock the door behind him, when he turned around.

“Sweetheart?”

You looked up at him with wide eyes and a hum.

“If I may… what is that little gift you have? Today isn’t Tim’s birthday, is it?” “Oh! No, no it isn’t. This is actually just a bit of a surprise for him, is all. Surprised me, too, if I’m being transparent.”

“Is it what I think it is?”

You nodded enthusiastically, tears already threatening to spill from your eyes.

“Well. Knowing Tim, you’re about to make him the happiest man on Earth. And you already did the day you married him. Congratulations, deary.”

You could not even bring yourself to say thank you because you had started crying happy tears. Jerry shut the door behind you and you heard the lock click. You had calmed your crying down after about 5 minutes, and then another 5 minutes later, you heard the door unlock again. Tim walked in with an enormous stack of paperwork that completely dropped to the floor when he saw you seated at his desk. Thankfully, it was all in sealed file folders, so nothing cascaded across the floor.

“Jesus! Ah… oh my god. Y-Y/N… what are you… doing here?” Tim had to speak between breaths because you had scared him so badly.

“Sorry, honey! I just wanted to come see you and your door was locked, so Jerry let me in so I could sit down.”

“It’s…it’s fine. Just let me… catch my breath for a sec.” Tim sat down at the chairs that were opposite his chair, not wanting to make you get up, roles reversed momentarily. “So. What do I owe the pleasure of my wife’s presence on this… overwhelming day?”

“Well, I actually have something to give you.” “… I didn’t forget about my birthday again, did I?”

“No, Tim.” You were laughing in an attempt to cover up the emotions that were starting to resurface, since you knew what was about to happen. Your lives were about to change. Well, Tim’s was. Yours already had, alone in the bathroom earlier this morning.

You slowly slid the white box over to your husband, and he looked at it with confusion at first. Then he slowly reached for it and lifted the lid. He saw the pink and blue bundle of tissue paper and looked back up at you with even more confusion. You were doing everything in your power to not give anything away, but much to your chagrin, a tear slipped from your eyes the moment Tim made eye contact with you. The confusion lifted from his face, and a new emotion took over – concern. He ripped into the tissue paper like a small child on Christmas morning, but with the intensity of a grown man. The tissue paper had been scattered all around his legs and the floor and the top of his desk until he got to what was hidden underneath it.

‘Pregnant.’

The room was silent for a moment. Then came the sniffles from both sides of the desk. Then the eye contact of eyes that were flooded with tears and burning red with overwhelming feelings of love. Tim was by your side in an instant, latching on to you with everything he had. You were sobbing and he was laughing. It was a moment you would never forget.

“I… I knew we were doing it right.”

“Obviously, Timmy.”

“You’re going to be a mom… oh my God, you’re going to be a mom and-and I’m…”

“You’re going to be a dad.”

Tim looked at you and his eyes sparkled the way water looks when the sun shines down on it.

“An amazing dad.”

~

[2.5 Weeks]

“Isn’t that a good idea? We can start he/she early!”

“You know I don’t like pictures, Tim.”

“But this is different! This is something we are both going to want to look back on, and what better way to do it?”

Tim had come home from work a few days after he found out you were pregnant with a bag from a local electronics shop and was enthusiastically telling you about a plan he had. The plan involved something you had hated even before you were pregnant, but knowing that you were going to just be getting bigger and bigger as time went on made you hate the idea even more. Tim had wanted to document your pregnancy through pictures at the museum at milestone dates.

“… fine. You spent all that money on the camera, so I guess I can deal with it.”

“Astounding! And it starts today, you’re coming to work with me!”

“Tim! I have to go to work myself, I can’t just not show—”

“I already called your boss, he said it’s fine. Probably because he wanted me to just shut up, but it worked!”

You just looked at Tim lovingly while he laughed to himself. Then you ran over to the bathroom. Tim never thought he would get used to hearing you get sick. He almost felt bad that he was the cause of it, but knowing what would come out of it after nine months made it completely worthwhile to him. You were not so sure in the moment, but Tim’s enthusiasm convinced you otherwise.

You had made your way to the museum carefully, because the motions of cars did upset your stomach more. But the ride was quick and pretty painless this time. The two of you had decided not to tell anyone right away in case the worst happened, so when the museum staff saw you and Tim walk in together, no one thought anything different. Except for Jerry, but Tim had talked to him in advance and he knew not to say anything. When you two passed him walking to Tim’s office, he just gave you both a small smile, which you both returned.

Once all of Tim’s belongings were in his office, the two of you started walking hand in hand through the museum. Tim seemed to be taking you to a specific exhibit that he had in mind, but you were not sure why. Then it dawned on you. It was the exhibit that had the skull he found a long time ago on a dig when the two of you were still dating. (You do not have to read this for this story to make sense, just know that it could be read as a prequel of sorts.)

“Why are we stopping here?”

“You didn’t think I bought an expensive camera without a plan on when to use it, did you?”

“Of course not, but why this exhibit?”

“Don’t you remember? This is where the skull I found it is. I thought this could be where we take the growth pictures. Do you… hate the idea?”

You were feeling emotional to begin with, what with all the new hormones raging through your body, but you were just so happy in that moment that you just hugged Tim tightly. When you pulled away, through more happy tears, you told him how happy you were and how much you loved the idea.

Tim had you stand sideways in front of the display, lit with gold-tinted lights that illuminated your silhouette in a way that almost made Tim cry.

“There’s not much of a bump yet, Tim.” “But we know he/she’s there.”

[One Month]

The morning sickness had increased. Quite a bit. You felt sick around the clock, and practically everything you ate came up later in the day. Tim had gotten better at handling it. At first, he would have trouble being in the bathroom or even near it. Now he can hold your hair back for you as long as he does not look at you. You took what you could get.

One particular morning, Tim had woken up more excitable than he had been recently. You just felt sick so you ignored him. Then you felt a flop on top of you, signaling Tim had thrown something on top of you.

“What the hell are you doing? I don’t work today, why are you waking me up? And throwing my clothes on me?”

“Because you’re coming to the museum today. It’s been one month!”

“What…are you talking—”

“One month since you got pregnant, baby!”

The days dragged so much for you with how awful you felt, both physically from the sickness, and emotionally from not being able to tell anyone yet, that you completely stopped keeping track of dates. You had trouble believing that it had already been so long.

“Oh… that means it’s picture day, huh?”

“You bet! Plus, I’m giving a tour today to a group of 6 year-olds, so maybe you could tag along and see what we have coming!”

You offered Tim a weak smile. You were both so sure of having a kid together, but the reality of at it all had not really set in, at least for you. Your brain still continually told you that it was simply severe food poisoning from that chicken. But to Tim, it was his child. He was so proud that he could do something like that, and he wanted to prepare in every possible way he could, just so he could be the kid’s best friend. But you knew he did not have to prepare for that – it would happen by default. Almost made you jealous.

After a smaller than usual bout of morning sickness, you got dressed in the outfit Tim had picked out for you. The same one you wore the first time he took a picture. You understood why. The pants were a simple pair of grey sweats that were baggier around your lower abdomen and butt but were fitted toward the bottom, and a simple, oversized by about 3 sizes, pastel yellow tee shirt. An outfit that would be very easy to utilize for showing off a growing bump. Just what Tim wanted to do with his camera.

You went into your kitchen and smelled one of the few breakfast foods that did not make you sick, a chocolate croissant, something that Tim liked to bake for you even before you got pregnant. It was a specialty of his. One of the few things he could cook or bake, in general. He was standing at your kitchen table, with a somewhat bashful expression on his face. He held a croissant out in front of him, work bag and car keys in the other.

“I didn’t have time to bake them this weekend, so these are store-bought, but I warmed this one for you.”

You just walked over, took the croissant gently from his hands, and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you, honey.”

“You’re very welcome. Hope they’re not better than mine.”

“Close. But yours are better.”

“Fantastic.” He seemed really giddy about that fact. It made you smile. “You ready to head in?”

“I think so, I just need to grab my wallet.”

With that, the two of you made your way over to the museum and barely had any time to lock your belongings in his office when the exhibit manager of the day came over and told Tim the group was already there, and they were getting impatient. He needed to make his way down quickly or there would be a bunch of rambunctious 6-year-olds making a mess for the janitors.

Tim told them he would be down as soon as he could, but he would only walk at the speed you felt comfortable with. You were his priority. You were doing good on the sickness today, and he was not about to be the reason that changed. You two made your way down and instantly Tim went into tour guide-mode. It honestly was one of the funniest Tim personalities you knew, but you loved it all the same. Tim was introducing himself to the kids and the teachers and chaperones while you watched from the back of the group. A small group of Tim’s coworkers walked by the group and saw you standing there, and waved enthusiastically. Nothing out of sorts. You two still had your secret in place.

You followed the group around from the back, sometimes talking to one of the chaperones about this or that, and even mentioned to one that you were in the very early stages of your pregnancy, to which she became giddy but kept it contained. The only reason you mentioned it to her was because you had pointed out that one girl seemed to be very sad the whole tour and the lady mentioned that it was her daughter.

“If you’d like, when they have a break, you could go talk to her.”

“What? Why? Why me?”

“You’re gonna need practice, sweetheart, boy or girl.”

You gave her a nervous look, because this was making reality really set in for you. But you heeded her words, knowing she was right, and made your way over to the little girl while she ate her lunch alone.

“Hi there.”

She looked up at you with big, beautiful blue eyes.

“May I sit with you? I don’t have anyone to eat lunch with.”

She just nodded her head and kept slowly munching, her mother watching from behind so the girl did not see her.

“What’s your name, sweetie?”

“Josephine.”

“That’s a beautiful name! Mine’s nowhere near as pretty, it’s just Y/N.”

“That’s pretty too!”

“Well, thank you. Josephine is prettier though. Your lunch looks good, what’re you having?”

“PB&J!”

You gasped in shock. “That’s my absolute favorite! In fact,” you reached down into your bag, “I brought one myself!”

Josephine laughed loudly, the sound attracting the attention of both her mother and Tim, but you two were too wrapped up in each other to notice.

“Josephine, can I ask you a question?”

Another nod.

“You looked really sad all morning, and that made me sad. Could you tell me why?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Honey. I promise there is no stupid reason to feel however you’re feeling. Emotions are natural reactions to whatever happens to you. What you feel is okay to feel. If you tell me what it is, I might be able to make you feel better.”

“…Tyler called me unpretty.”

“Tyler called you unpretty?”

“Yeah.”

“Well listen. Tyler is the one here who is unpretty. You, my dear, are beautiful. Just like a Disney princess. You have a name fit for one, too. And I want you to know that that kind of behavior is not tolerated in the adult world, so I will make sure it stops for you, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You think you can enjoy the rest of Dr. Tim’s tour?”

“Are you going to be there?”

“Of course I will, sweetie. Dr. Tim and I have a very special relationship. I’m his biggest fan.”

“Do you love him?”

Her question caught you slightly off guard. “More than anything in this world, sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

“But I’ll be right behind the group the whole—”

“Would you hold my hand while he gives the show?”

You stopped in your tracks. That felt too much like something her own mother should do. You glanced over to her, knowing she was watching the interaction now, and she gave you the thumbs up.

“I would love to sweetie.”

For the rest of the tour, you stuck by Josephine’s side, hand not leaving hers once. Every once in a while, you were certain you saw Tim sneak a lingering glance at the two of you, and one time it lasted so long, he had to break himself out of his thoughts and his eyes had gotten a little glossy.

At the end of the tour, you all said your goodbyes, and you gave Josephine a quick hug, and gave one to her mother, as well. As you and Tim watched the bus drive away, Tim turned to you with a small smirk on his face.

“What do you want, Dr. Tim?”

“Oh, nothing… mom.”

He grabbed your hand and immediately took you to the display so he could take your picture. Still not much of a bump, you noticed, but you sure as hell felt different after the interaction you had today.

“My money’s on girl.” “Really? You’re already making bets? On what grounds?”

“You were too damn good with that little girl for it to be coincidental.”

[Two Months]

Morning sickness was still a bitch, frankly. Your doctor, one of only 5 people who know about your pregnancy at this point, including you and Tim, put your mind at ease explaining that it should subside around month 4. Halfway to the cravings period, she explained. Nothing particular important happened in the last month, both at Tim’s work and with your pregnancy. Things were going smoothly, other than the incessant sickness, but that more than likely meant you and baby were healthy. At least according to your doctor.

You felt Tim throw your clothes on top of you again, signaling that you would be spending another day at the museum. Another picture day. This time you were less upset about him waking you up. But once you stood up, you were sprinting to the bathroom.

Damn morning sickness.

One chocolate croissant and a twenty-minute drive later, you were seated in Tim’s office reading a book from his shelf, one of the few novels relating to dinosaurs he had amongst hundreds of textbooks. He had mainly a paperwork day that day, so the two of you just enjoyed each other’s presence. Something you hardly got to do even before you were pregnant. Your work lives made it so hard to see each other for any extended period of time, but you found ways to make it work.

Before either of you knew it, you had spent the entire day in his office, with you reading and him doing paperwork. It was practically time to go home, but you still had not taken your picture yet. You and Tim gathered all your belongings, locking up on your way out and made your way down to the exhibit. When you got down there, you placed all your stuff out of frame and stood profile to him and head gazing down at your stomach, just like any other shoot.

But you never heard the shutter.

You looked over at Tim who had tears streaking down his face, the camera shaking from how his hands were violently doing the same. You rushed over to him and grabbed his face, completely overwhelmed with confusion because you had no idea what triggered this. It was not raining or anything, so you had no idea what had set him off.

“Tim, baby, what’s wrong?” The panic was apparent in your frantic tone of voice.

“You’re showing.”

“What?”

“You’re showing.”

“What are you talk—”

“Let me take the picture.”

You slowly pulled away from him, resuming your position from a second before, and you heard the shutter go off this time. You walked back to him to see what he was referring to, and it hit you as hard as a wave of nausea in the morning.

You were showing.

The baby was showing.

You had already started to show after only two months.

You looked up at Tim with eyes that were just as watery as his, and hugged him tightly, but his grip was lighter. Knowing what was in between the two of you.

It became real.

[Three Months]

You had your doctor’s appointment, and she told you that it was officially safe to begin telling people about the pregnancy. Everything was looking fine, and the fact that you already had a small bump this early meant the baby was big and healthy. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

You told your families, and they all were extremely supportive, and Lex even cried, knowing that her kids would have a new family member to play with. Everything was going great, and you and Tim constantly felt like you were on cloud 9.

When you went into the museum to take the photo that day, you decided enough was enough and stopped hiding the bump, letting Tim’s coworkers ask about it. Some clapped him on the back, some broke down in tears at how amazing of parents they knew you two were going to be. It was all very overwhelming, but the two of you kept it pretty well together. Until it was time to take the photo. For some reason, seeing how much you had grown in a month set both of you off to the point where you were leaned up against the exhibit window, crying silently with each other.

Until you decided to speak.

“Am I going to be a good mom?”

“Wh-what?”

“Am I—”

“You’re going to be a perfect mom. I don’t know what brought this sudden fear up, but know that you are going to be a natural.”

“It’s all becoming so real, Tim. Like, I don’t need to stand sideways anymore to see the bump. He/she is really growing. They’re real. I just… don’t want to mess up.”

“Do you really think you and I aren’t going to make any mistakes? I mean, yes, we are near perfect human beings,” Tim’s sarcasm and sass always made you laugh, because it was never something people expected to come from such a shy human, “but all parents make mistakes. That’s how kids develop personalities. Otherwise, baby-making could basically be named cloning and we’d have invented that without even knowing it.”

Tim saw that you were not looking at him and tears were still running down your face. So, he grabbed it and pulled it to look at him.

“I didn’t have to see you with that girl to know you are going to be as perfect as you can be. Because I can see how much the idea of being a bad mom is eating away at you. You couldn’t handle the prospect of someone thinking you’re a bad mother, so you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure that doesn’t happen. Plus, I just know you. You were practically a mom even when we were dating. How much you doted on me. Took care of me on my bad days. Still do.”

You believed Tim. You believed every word that came from his mouth.

“And I know I’m going to be a great dad by the same logic as you. I don’t want to be a bad dad more than anything in this world, so I’m not going to let it happen. Plus, Lex can always give us pointers.”

“…thank you.” “Anytime, mother of my child.”

“…that’s weird, don’t say that.”

“You married this weirdo, you should expect this after all these years, Y/N.”

[Four Months]

Your morning sickness subsided – just like the doctor told you it would. It was a relief to not be throwing up every 2 hours. But the cravings were not much better. Beef jerky? ‘Really, baby?’ you always thought as you would gaze at your ever-growing stomach, now practically impossible to hide.

Walking in the museum with outside food or drink was against the rules, but Tim’s coworkers and bosses made an exception for you, knowing how hard you two tried to get to this moment in your lives. Especially when they saw you walk in going to town on a bag of beef jerky. They could tell by your expression that you hated it but it was what the baby wanted, and they always laughed out of pity and bemusement.

Nothing particularly exciting happened this day, either, just like last month. With the exception of a recent find being dropped off the museum for display. Tim told you he would finish up his paperwork and you could go watch them set it up. Then he would come find you when he was done and you could take your picture and go.

Once Tim had taken the picture, Tim had started crying again, so you ushered him to join you by the display and sit down.

“What’s going on, Timmy?”

“What… if they’re scared of me?”

“What on Earth are you talking about?”

“Scars, Y/N.”

You just looked at him in shock.

“I don’t look like you. Or anyone else. I’m marked. I know eventually I’ll have to explain what these are from, but what if when they’re a baby they don’t want me to hold them? Or feed them? Or change them? Or lay them in the crib? What if they just think I’m a monster? And not…dad?”

“… I wish I could say it won’t scare he/she. But I definitely think they’ll be interested… to a degree. But that won’t matter to a baby. All they’re going to see is your big beautiful eyes and your smile. All they’re going to hear is how cute they are and your gorgeous singing voice when you sing them to sleep. You’ll appear as the farthest thing from a monster, and you just have a really cool bedtime story to tell them when they’re younger. You can save the real stuff for later.”

“…”

“I love your scars. You know that. Very much so. I think the baby will, too.”

[Five Months]

You had officially gone one month without morning sickness, and you were very thankful for that fact. Tim would never say it to your face, but he was too. He did not want to make you feel bad for making him feel sick all the time, too, seeing as that the cause of yours was him. Your cravings were still in a pretty full swing, though, but they were never terrible combinations like movies and television made them out to be. Most of the time they were just foods you were not particularly fond of, but you could move past that, since they did not make you sick.

You had another doctor’s appointment, as per usual, but this was one you did not tell Tim about. Not because there was anything involved he had not seen before, but because this was the official appointment where the gender could be found out. You had a plan; you were going to have the doctor tell you the gender, and then you were going to work with the museum to have a small, private gender reveal for Tim. When you found out the gender, you cried and wanted to immediately share the news with Tim, but patience is truly a virtue, and you knew it would be worth the wait.

When you got home that day, you called the museum and told them what day you would be coming into the museum to take the newest photo, and they were more than willing to help you out. You wanted the surprise to be simple, so you explained what you had in mind, and they were all for it. Eventually the day came where you and Tim went to the museum together, and you spent the day like any other, moseying around sometimes with him and sometimes not. On one occasion when you were by yourself, you walked over to the exhibit where you took your photos to make sure the reveal had not been set up yet, and thankfully it was not. Meaning, Tim had no clue what he was in for.

Later in the day, the museum had closed up for the public, so you made a quick call to the manager who was going to set up your surprise to signal it was go time. You stalled Tim in his office as long as you could, but eventually, you ran out of stuff to say. So, you two made your way downstairs, and all you could do was hope that the manager got out of there in time.

Once in front of the exhibit, you decided not to say anything at first. See if Tim would notice. You set yourself up in front of the viewing window and assumed the position, and you heard the shutter go off. You were almost hurt that Tim did not notice the glaringly obvious breach of protocol in the exhibit, because you were the one who wanted to do this surprise for him. So, you decided to egg him on a bit.

“Tim, did I tell you I had an OBGYN appointment today?”

Tim’s head slowly looked up at you from the camera and his eyes were glossy, and you were certain you could see his lips trembling, holding back a smile.

“I didn’t think not telling you would make you this upset, honey, I’m really—”

“Pink.”

That explained the tears. And the attempt not to smile. He saw your surprise in the photo looking closer. You had instructed the museum to find a small beanie that would fit onto the skull in the exhibit that Tim had found on the dig. A pink one. To let him know that he would be having a daughter with you.

“It’s pink… you’re having… having a girl?”

“We’re having a girl, yes. A girl, Tim!”

“That’s the greatest news anyone could have ever told me. A girl… oh my God, a girl!”

You could see that he was ecstatic to hear that it was a girl. Both of you would have been happy with whatever it ended up being, but the happiness that radiated off of your husband indicated to you that he might have been leaning toward a preference.

“Oh no.” “What, Tim? You were just so happy.”

“I’m going to have to fight a lot of men soon.” “What? Why?” You were practically laughing just at the thought of Tim trying to win a fight. He was headstrong, sure, but body strong? Not so much.

“She’s going to be just as beautiful as her mother, which means a lot of potential suitors.”

“I’ll help her. She needs a man just like her father.”

 [Six Months]

After finding out that the two of you were going to have a girl, it was time to tell your families and friends, and they had nothing but sweet and wise words of advice. Everyone kept saying to you privately that they could see you being a great mom to a boy or a girl, but that Tim would be especially good with a girl. For some reason, it just made sense, and you could not help but agree with them. He was always just so tender and sweet with everyone he meets, and he treated you like a fragile piece of glass when he interacted with you, giving you the utmost care. You would not be surprised if that happened with your baby, but ten-fold.

This day at the museum was nothing out of the ordinary – paperwork, some smaller tours, things of that nature. You did not mind though. With how far along you were getting, nearing the third trimester already, you were starting to constantly feeling tired. So, being able to lounge on Tim’s office couch and just doze off or read a little bit was always a nice feeling.

At one point though, someone had knocked on the door while Tim was out, and you honestly were not sure if you should answer. That situation, despite how long the two of you had been together, had not come up since the first time. The first time it was just a package for him, so it was not a big deal, but you could never be sure who it was, since his door did not have a peephole.

You carefully stood up on your own, not used to not having Tim right by your side to help you, and answered the door. Standing behind it was a very cheery Jerry, Tim’s boss.

“Y/N? I didn’t expect you to answer.”

“Timmy is off with an intern explaining something he did wrong.” You both laughed at the idea of Tim being all nervous and jittery about something being wrong. “Would I be able to help you with what you needed?”

“Actually, the whole reason I came was for you, but I was just going to have him give you this.” Jerry handed you an envelope that felt extremely thin, but you did not question it one bit. Jerry had his ways of explaining himself sooner or later. “Just read that whenever you get a chance, dear. I think you’ll like what’s inside.”

“Alright. Should I—”

And he shut the door behind him, leaving you with your mouth agape.

So, you decided now was a good a time as any, since Tim was not there still to keep you company. You sat back down, carefully, onto his couch and opened the letter. It was a single sheet of paper, with hardly 15 sentences on it. You read it slowly and quietly to yourself, and when you had finished, Tim walked back through the door. He was met with the site of you crying silently and red-rimmed eyes. Immediately he was by your side asking you if you were okay and if the baby was hurt. You just looked up at him wearily but forcing a smile on your face while sliding the letter in his direction. Tim read aloud.

 “Dearest Murphy’s,

I hope this letter finds you at a happy time, or maybe, it would be better when you’re slightly sad and could be a pick-me-up of sorts. I would like to make this short and sweet, so as not to take much up of your time. First and foremost, I would like to offer you a piece of advice – frankly, it is what I would call the best piece of parenting advice one could receive, especially as first-time parents. ‘Protect the child at all costs, but do not prevent them from exploring potential.’ Pretty self-explanatory, but in case it isn’t clear – please keep the child safe at whatever cost, but if they express sincere interest in something and there is no inherent danger involved, even if it makes you anxious at first, don’t squander it. Children are so precious, and their minds take in everything, despite what you may think, and preventing the child from expressing themselves is only going to make them despise you and want to do everything in the opposite way you told them to. Secondly, I would like to offer Tim paid paternal-leave for as long as you are earning yours from your employer – we will match the length of time. Plus, as a bonus from the entire museum staff for all you two have done over the years for us, a small token of our gratitude is enclosed here that I sincerely hope will help you throughout the beginning of this journey.

I sincerely treasure you both as human beings, and I wish you all the luck with your little family.

Sincerely yours,

Jerry Turner, CFO Cretaceous and Jurassic Periods at American Museum of Natural History”

 Tim was still at a loss for what had made you cry, and then he saw the ‘small token of their gratitude.’

A check.

For $10,000.

Both you and Tim were sobbing. Loudly.

You could not believe it, because that would cover so much more than you could have ever imagined, and neither of you were quite sure what you did to earn such a thoughtful and extremely generous gift. You wanted to thank Jerry, but you had no idea where he ran off to, and you two were so overwhelmed by the gift that neither of you had the strength to move.

Little did you know that Jerry had watched Tim walk back in his office and was outside the door hearing how happy you were, and his heart swelled up.

You took the monthly picture, tears still streaking down your cheeks. You looked ethereal, despite the tears.

[Seven Months]

Officially within your third and final trimester, things were getting down to the wire. You had stopped all the various side-effects of pregnancy, and all that was left was the constant sluggishness. Tim did not want you drinking too much caffeine, so he cut back as well. You were constantly having the energy sucked out of you, but Tim kept going a mile a minute, somehow, considering the boy lived off of tea and the occasional coffee if he really needed it. You assumed it was nervous jitters knowing how close you two were getting to meeting the little one.

You had arrived at the museum early, and Tim had gotten all of his paperwork done the day before so he could spend the day walking around the museum with you, seemingly with a plan in mind.

Every time you would arrive at a new exhibit, Tim would drop down to his knees, and he would gently lay his head down onto your belly. Then he would start talking. Anything he could say about the exhibit – reading the signs, spewing random bits of knowledge here and there, whatever he could think of. After he did this about four times, you stopped him and asked him just what it was he was doing.

“I’m talking to her.”

You just looked at him sweetly, almost tearing up at the sentiment.

“Gotta start her early, don’t I? Can’t have her being into mathematics like her mother.”

And then came the eye roll. You almost did not let him take the picture that night because of that little gripe at your job.

[Eight Months]

It was hard for the two of you to believe you were down to the last potential thirty days, but you were already there. The two of you were both planners, so every single thing that could be accounted for was already accounted for – she had a room, clothes, diapers, everything. The two of you went and took your monthly picture, wondering if you would get to take another one, when it hit Tim that the two of you missed something crucial in your planning.

“Oh shit.” “What?”

“We don’t have a name yet.”

“Oh shit.”

Sitting down on the bench looking into the exhibit, you both thought about it for a while, throwing out ideas neither of you liked. Just to put something out there and maybe draw inspiration. Then Tim suggested another two names, and instantly you knew they were the ones. Both of you were old fashioned, and you knew you were going to get some comments about it, but it did not matter.

This was your daughter, and you could name her whatever you damn well pleased.

[Eight Months and Twenty-Two Days, June 11]

It was so much pain.

So much more pain than you expected.

But dammit, you were going to meet your daughter today, and that was that.

You honestly could not even remember the drive to the hospital, but the next thing you knew, you were in a hospital gown with a doctor telling you that you were nine centimeters dilated and that the pushing would start soon. Despite everything you told him was going to happen, Tim was right by your side gripping your hand like a vice, with an expression on his face that made the doctors think he was in as much pain as you were.

But it went quicker than you thought it would. That final centimeter happened quick, and everyone in the room was on you in an instant to coach you through the pushing. You only had to push for about 15 minutes and then you heard it.

Small but powerful cries, indicating that the baby was here and healthy.

Immediately she was on your chest and they were starting to clean her up, and then they took her over to the crib to wrap her. You were still catching your breath when you saw Tim walk over to you, bundle in his hands, him sobbing with joy.

“She’s—”

“Gorgeous.”

The nurse came over to the both of you with a clipboard after a few minutes, now that both of you had calmed down lightly.

“Alrighty. So, we have a healthy baby girl, born June 11 at 4:49am, weighing 6.1 ounces and measuring 20 inches in length. We have all the other stuff taken care of, we just need to know if she has a name yet.”

“She does.” Tim looked so proud that he was the one who got to say it for the official birth certificate.

“Agnes Eloise Murphy.”

The nurse smiled, double checked the spelling, and walked off to file it. You were just gazing at him with almost a hint of fear in your tired expression, because something the nurse had said threw you off a bit.

“Timmy…”

“Hm?” He was still gazing down at Agnes, not really mentally with you at that moment.

“Do you realize what today is? What her birthday is?”

“I do.”

“And you’re okay?”

“Of course I am. I will never have to remember the horror of Jurassic Park on this day any longer, she is a distraction from that nightmare, she is a living, breathing dream come true.”

 [One Month Birthday]

Agnes turned one month old, and neither of you could believe it. Other than doctor’s appointments, she had not left your apartment. You both decided that she could make one exception, and Tim was more than eager to take her to the place where he found out she would be coming into this world.

The two of you took her around the entire place, and ended at the exhibit where all the pregnancy photos were taken.

“You don’t know it yet, but this place has a lot of special meaning to mommy and daddy, and you too. We’ll tell you all about it when you’re older, lovebug.” Tim spoke to his daughter the same way he did when she was still in your belly and it made you melt. You knew it from the moment you laid eyes on her that she was going to be a daddy’s girl.

As he spoke to her, she smiled and placed a hand right atop the scar adorning Tim’s cheek. She laughed for the very first time.

“I told you she’d love them.”

When you look back down, you can see her enthusiastically swinging around the small dinosaur plush toy you had given her as a first stuffed animal. You smiled and looked back up at Tim, not believing how precious she was.

“And a dinosaur lover just like her dad, too.”

“Told you we had to start her early, keep her away from the numbers.”

Permanent Taglist: @bensrhapsody @chlobo6 @gardnerlangway @xtrashmammalstefx @bohemiandeakyy

Tim Murphy Taglist: @drtimmurphy

Specific Fic Taglist: @70sdeakys

// If you want to be added to either taglist mentioned above, or the one for another character I’ve written for, send me an ask here! //

[the-real-anywolf]

Destiel Advent Calendar 2019

Title: Whamageddon!

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Destiel, Saileen, Comedy, Whamageddon, Have You Reached Whamhalla?

Summary: Humans are strange and Castiel is confused.

Written by: @queerwolfsstuff​​​ (queerwerewolf)

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21889492

Day 23 - Whamageddon! 

Humans are such strange creatures. It all started on the 20th of December, Castiel had been at a gas station, perusing the shelves of the dirty and poorly stocked convenience store while he fueled his truck. 

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away,

This year, to save me from tears,

I’ll give it to someone special…

Castiel hadn’t really been paying attention to the song playing on the small radio near the cash register, that was until a patron, a young woman with short, dark hair, let out an exaggerated, “No! Goddamnit! Four days! There were only four days left!” 

Another young woman, clearly a traveling companion, instead of displaying concern, barked out a laugh. She clapped her friend on the shoulder and simply said, “Welcome to Whamhalla.”

Castiel furrowed his brow, completed his purchase of beef jerky and a packet of menthol cigarettes for Dean, because they were to purchase each other “gag gifts” this season, and made his way back to his truck, shaking his head in bemusement.

….but the very next day….

Castiel had offered to purchase the required ingredients for a feast on the 25th. There was a local grocery store a few miles from the bunker, and he made his way to the locale with list in hand. He should have asked Sam or Eileen to write it, instead of Dean. Not only was his handwriting illegible, but there was commentary that confused Castiel even more.

“Sweet potatoes! And if you forget the marshmallows, so help me, you’re sleeping on the couch.”

It didn’t make sense. Castiel didn’t sleep, not even after what Dean liked to call their “marathon fucking”. He didn’t require it. Nor did the bunker have a couch. Humans really were strange. Especially his human.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away,

This year, to save me from tears,

I’ll give it to someone special…

“Fuck!” A man, easily in his late thirties, cried out next to the various loaves of bread. 

Castiel furrowed his brow as the man kicked his shopping cart and grumbled something about almost making it, and that strange word again, Whamhalla. As the man disappeared around the corner of the aisle, Castiel wondered if he should speak to Sam and Dean about a possible case? Something was causing ordinary people to bemoan an unintelligible fate.

And then he recalled that Dean said no cases for the week, so Castiel grabbed the large sourdough round and continued his shopping.

….but the very next day….

Because Castiel was quote, “the best boyfriend ever,” he had agreed to go out for a late night snack for Dean. He was exhausted and hungry after their most recent marathon, and Castiel was hard pushed to say no to Dean. There was a taco stand a few miles from the bunker that was open late at night, so he made his way to purchase several tacos and the order of nachos Dean wanted.

As he was waiting for the food, sitting on one of the cracked stools near the salsa bar, a familiar chord filled the mostly empty eatery.

(Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying, "I love you," I meant it

Now, I know what a fool I've been

But if you kissed me now

I know you'd fool me again

One of the young ladies working behind the counter slammed her fist against the particle board and started cursing in Spanish. The only word that was in English was, “Whamhalla.”

Castiel knew he wasn’t supposed to be working any cases, but maybe a little research couldn’t hurt.

….but the very next day….

It was the 23rd of December, and his research through all of the books and magazines in the bunker had led him nowhere. There was nothing about a “Whamhalla”. When he entered the kitchen to procure some coffee, the three humans were sitting around the table, mocking (Dean) and consoling (Eileen) Sam.

“I almost made it,” Sam grumbled as Eileen flashed him a placating smile.

Dean barked out a laugh. “That’s what you get for listening to online radio instead of tapes.”

Sam gave his brother a patented bitch face. “Don’t get cocky, or I’ll send your ass to Whamhalla with me…”

There was that word again!

“Hey, it ain’t my fault I always win,” Dean replied, tone cocky.

Eileen nodded. “Me too.”

They shared a high five and the three humans proceeded to talk as Castiel pulled up his cell phone and decided to try his hand at internet research, even though he still didn’t really trust the internet. Castiel wracked his brain for any commonalities, and seeing as Whamhalla hadn’t gotten him anywhere earlier, he chose to search for whatever song that kept playing during each of the incidents he had witnessed.

There was a closed captioned music video on YouTube, so he approached the humans. “Is there a reason this is causing so many people grief?” Castiel asked as he held his phone out to them after he pressed play. 

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away,

This year, to save me from tears,

I’ll give it to someone special…

In that moment, both Dean and Eileen let out an exaggerated, “No-o-o-o-o-o!”

Sam burst into laughter and cried, “Welcome to Whamhalla!”

As they all proceeded to bemoan their fate, in between laughter, Castiel’s question remained unanswered. He was as confused as ever, and apparently, that wasn’t about to change. Castiel shook his head. Humans really are strange.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

A man under cover but you tore him apart

Maybe next year I'll give it to someone

I'll give it to someone special

The End

End Notes: For those of you who clicked the links, Welcome to Whamhalla. I’ve been here since December 2nd. For those of you who are as confused as Cas, let me provide you an image that may help:

Also, yeh. I know. I’m a dick. Happy Holidays.

[mcdoogly]

Happily Ever After

Howdy, made a late ass Christmas fic, but it’s basically the 12th day of Christmas for whatever.

Have some cutesy goats and fishdad

“So what are you gonna get her?”

The question hung in the air as Undyne rummaged through Asgore’s cupboards for snacks. Her eye lit up as she found a pack of beef jerky, beginning to tear into it with hungry gusto. She turned around and looked at him as he sat on his couch. “I mean, you ARE getting her something, right?”

Asgore sighed, watching his old trainee rip into a fresh chunk of dried meat. “I don’t know.”

The house almost shook as Undyne slammed the pantry shut, all thoughts of food cleared from her head. “WHAT?! Gyftmas is in three days!” The ex-guard shook her head. “You’re telling me you got Queenie nothing?”

“Well…” he murmured, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, “she told me not to worry about it…”

Undyne pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh my god, you actually believed that? That directly translates to ‘You better get me a gift, Dreemurr!’ How long were you two married?”

Asgore slumped into his chair, groaning at the entire situation. “I know, I know. I just have no idea what to get her.”

“You know her better than anyone else in the whole entire underground! How the hell do you not have a clue?”

“Undyne, she and I have been together for over a millenia. It gets quite difficult to be original after a century or two.” Asgore leaned forward, rubbing his face as he continuously drew blanks. “And especially with that… break she and I had I have even less of a clue what she would want now.”

Undyne looked down sadly at the old goat. “Well, you two have had to have gone on dates lately, right?”

“Of course.” Asgore nodded. “We try to spend at least one day together every week, either at her house or mine. Why?”

“Notice anything different she might’ve gotten into since you two last celebrated Gyftmas as a couple?”

He furrowed his brow. “I don’t recall anything new? Her house looks almost exactly like it did when she and I lived together.”

Undyne scratched her chin. What were things she knew Toriel liked? She enjoyed reading, but who wants to get a book for Christmas? Lingerie crossed her mind, but she doubted that Asgore would appreciate something so raunchy. Snails? Boring. Pie tin? Too utilitarian. Socks? Too scandalous. She shook her head, too many ideas were flooding in at once and not a single one useful.

An idea clicked into place in her mind, spurring Undyne to walk over to Asgore, grabbing his shoulders from behind. “How about you treat her to a nice day out, get her to a spa, give her a nice massage, order some fancy food; the whole nine yards! I bet she would love that!”

“She would indeed,” Asgore looked up, “That’s what I got her last Mother’s Day.”

“Then why not supplement it with a little ‘Happy Ending’.” She winked, nudging him with an elbow.

“Undyne, I understand your excitement and support of her and my relationship, but I wouldn’t concern yourself with my sex life.” He looked down guiltily, his cheeks rosy. “And… that was also a part of her Mother’s Day gift.”

Undyne seemed to deflate after the initial surprise of what Asgore said as her idea once again proved to be a failure. The fish pressed at her temples, trying to think of anything that would be a good gift for the ex-queen. She let out an exasperated sigh and sat down next to her father.

“Man, you’re right. This is harder than I thought.” She supported her chin with a fist, still trying to think of anything to help her old goatdad out.

“It’s fine. Worst case, I’ll just have to sleep on the couch for a few nights.” He chuckled. “I’ve been through much crueler punishment from her.”

“Yeah…” Undyne sighed again, racking her brain. She had Alphys’s gift ready and wrapped the day after last Gyftmas, why couldn’t she come up with something right now for such a simple old lady? “Does she need anything for her classroom?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Her car?”

“Nope.” “Hmm… What about her kitchen?”

“It’s as well stocked as always.”

“You sure she wouldn’t want another…”

“Undyne I don’t like repeating gifts, especially within a year of giving the last one.”

“But this time you could wrap your-”

“Undyne!”

“Fine, fine.” She flopped against the back of the couch, staring up at the ceiling. After a minute or so she finally spoke up again, “Well I’ve got nothin’.”

Asgore sighed, “Now you see how I’ve felt for the past couple of months or so.” He grunted and sat up. “I suppose I could just get her a bottle of wine or something of the like, maybe a few snails. Not the most original gift but hopefully it’ll be thoughtful enough.”

“I doubt she’d get that mad anyway,” Undyne added, “it’s just one day of the year.”

“Yeah,” said Asgore, a bit lost in thought, “let's hope.”

~~~

Gyftmas day was over as the sun dipped beneath the snowy horizon. Asgore and Toriel had snuck away from the rest of the party at the latter’s house to enjoy some quiet time alone. Everyone else was either asleep or too focused on the spectacle of Gyftmas movies that were now fully available for monster kind. The two goats were sitting on Toriel’s bed, her head on his shoulder as they simply enjoyed the time spent together.

“Another Gyftmas done, eh, Gorey?” she giggled, sinking against him further as he wrapped an arm around her.

“Yup,” he responded simply, taking in a deep breath. The house still smelled wonderfully like her cooking, and between that and the gorgeous monster that was hanging on his shoulder, he almost felt at ease about her present. “It is nice getting to spend it with family after delivering all of those present last night.”

“I bet,” she sighed, looking up at him. “And now you get to spend the night with me~”

He chuckled as her grin turned wily, matching it with a smile of his own. “Well, that’s just the best part.”

She shifted on the bed so she could wrap him into a warm hug, the queen closing her eyes as she relaxed into him, her smile turning soft. “Good answer.”

A small hum left his throat as he traced a hand on her back, earning a small contented sigh from his queen. They stayed there for a minute, his hand just idly moving on its own accord between her shoulders until he finally spoke up. “Does that mean I pass the class?”

“I wouldn’t go that far yet, Dreemurr,” she threatened playfully. “We haven't even gone to bed yet.”

“Oh?” he asked. “And what does that have to do with it?”

“That’s your exam!” She smirked with a bit of sly enthusiasm, sitting back up to eye level with him before the two broke into quiet laughter.

They nuzzled and spent a short while being sweet with one another as their laughter quieted down. A giggle here, a playful pinch there. The goats had barely a hitch in their sway as old habits became new ones again. Despite the aforementioned “break”, the two had reformed much of their old saccharine shenanigans since the past few months the two had been together. Asgore smiled as the two settled on the sheets, looking lovingly down at his wife.

“Oh!” he interrupted, catching Toriel’s attention. “Before I forget, I have something for you.”

The queen looked at him curiously as he grabbed his phone. He clumsily pressed a few buttons until a neatly wrapped box materialized out from his phone’s speaker. The sudden appearance caught Asgore off guard, who scrambled and seized it haphazardly before it could fall on the floor, much to Toriel’s amusement. Asgore’s cheeks flushed as she giggled at the show, just happy he didn’t drop her present. While this storage system Alphys installed on his phone was surely useful, Asgore wasn't quite used to it yet.

“It isn’t, uh, much,” he laughed, scratching the back of his neck, “but, you know... merry Gyftmas, Tori.”

“Oh, Gorey,” she exclaimed, her smile widening as she took her gift. “I told you not to worry about getting me a gift this year!”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Asgore chuckled, matching her expression, “but I went against my better judgement and didn’t listen to you this time.”

“Aww,” she cooed, “Well, now I feel like a fool-- I didn’t get you anything. That’s why I told you not to, dummy!”

Asgore laughed. All of the anxiety in his chest vanished as he realized that Undyne’s incessence was in fact not needed. He leaned against Toriel, before saying “Well, that’s a relief. I don’t think I need a better gift than just getting to see you every day.”

“Oh my goodness, you are the biggest sap I have ever met, Dreemurr,” Toriel chuckled, “You sure know how to make a lady blush.”

“I’m glad you think so,” he teased, “Now come on, open your present. We are trying to sleep tonight, yes?”

“I don’t know, are we?” She picked at a corner of the wrapping paper with a claw. “If memory serves me correctly, I remember for some reason Old Saint Nick gets a rather random burst of energy on Christmas night every year. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” She looked up and smirked knowingly at him before tearing the rest of her gifts packaging to streamers, revealing the box underneath.

Asgore’s face flushed as Toriel stared him down. “W-Well, I’d imagine he must get tired from giving out presents all the night before…” He looked down her body and then back up at her eyes. “So I’d assume the best person to ask as to why would be Mrs. Claus. She must know him best.”

“Of course she does,” she giggled as grabbed the top of the box, “It’s her job after all.” Her eyes lit up as the packaging gave way to her gift: a bottle of her favorite wine.

“I didn’t know what else you’d like, so I just went with wine,” he said, some of the previous nervousness seeping back into his belly, “We somehow manage to go through a whole bottle every week when we have our date night, so I know it’ll at least get used.”

“Trying to get me drunk now, hmm, Gorey?” She elbowed him playfully, giggling as he quickly grew flustered. Before he could start stammering out a response, she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “It’s a very thoughtful gift, Asgore. Thank you very much.”

“O-Oh! Of course, Tori!” He laughed, his leg shaking slightly from his nerves. “I’m glad you like it!”

“Mhmm, this will come in very handy.” She set down the bottle and cleared the bed of any wrapping paper. Sighing, she leaned against Asgore again, closing her eyes. “I do feel bad for not getting you anything though, Asgore.”

“Aw, don’t worry about it, Tori. I meant it earlier that just getting to see you is gift enough. Especially these private chats.”

“Oh, so you’re calling these ‘chats’ now, hmm?” She inspected a finger on her paw to pretend to be uninterested, a slight smirk on her muzzle. “I had a different word in mind for whenever you end up in this room.” His cheeks turned rose red as the old queen cackled, her banter making quick work of Asgore’s nerves.

He was at a loss for words, sitting ramrod still as he was not at all sure how to respond. Meanwhile, Toriel was howling in laughter, the queen draping her arms around his shoulders and squeezed him close as she spoke up, “Oh dear, Gorey I’m sorry. You are just so fun to tease.” She nuzzled against his cheek in apology, “Please don’t be mad.”

“Of course not,” he chuckled, warming up to the hug, “I don’t see how you making a joke about how prolific I am would hold any offense.”

“‘Prolific’, hmm? That’s a pretty word~” She cooed as his hand rubbed up and down her back, the queen wiggling against him to get closer. Asgore looked at her happily, the two making eye contact before he placed a hand on her cheek, grinning as he pressed his lips to hers. A content hum came from Toriel’s throat at the gesture as she closed her eyes, falling into the kiss for as long as Asgore held it.

It was simple and quick until the king broke it, Asgore smiling and watching Toriel open her eyes. His gaze turned lidded as he stared into her dark rubies, swearing he could see hearts in them as he slowly got lost in her happy expression.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile like that, Tori,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Oh?” she responded, puzzled, “Like what, dear?”

“Like I didn’t hold the kiss long enough.” He smirked as she broke into laughter at his dopey response.

He felt like a champion as she giggled into his ear, the queen hanging off of his shoulder as he soaked in the attention from his wife. Eventually, Toriel spoke up again, “So, what was that question you wanted to ask Mrs. Clause again?”

Asgore grinned at her smirk, his hands heading exactly where he wanted them to go as Toriel giggled in excitement. “Oh I have plenty to ask her.”

~~~

“So how’d the gift exchange with Queenie go?”

Undyne stood next to Asgore in Toriel’s kitchen the morning after, both of them enjoying an early cup of tea while the rest of the guests were stuck asleep for at least another hour or two. The ex-king looked up from his mug at Undyne’s question, smiling at the memory from last night.

“Oh it went great! She loved what I got her, and you’d be hard pressed to find me complaining about mine.” He smiled, closing his eyes as he enjoyed another sip of his famous golden flower tea.

“Oh yeah?” asked Undyne with a toothy grin, “Well what’d you get her?”

“Just a bottle of wine. She and I go through those so fast nowadays, and I know she definitely enjoys at least a glass every night on her own right, so I thought why not?”

Undyne gave Asgore an almost overly forceful pat on the shoulder. “See! I told you it wasn’t as hard as you made it out to be. Women are easy!”

Asgore chuckled as he swallowed another bout from his mug. “I wouldn’t quite say that, but I was definitely thinking too hard about the whole ordeal. I’m just happy everything went well.”

“Managed to avoid the couch once again, huh?” Undyne joked, earning a chortle from the old king. The two shared a laugh as they finished their tea. The freshly risen morning sun was shining bright through the windows as the snowy winter landscape outside starkly contrasted the coziness inside. Asgore was completely content in his “Mr. Dad Guy” sweater that Frisk insisted he wore for the occasion, his mug slowly growing empty while he sat at the kitchen table.

The quiet of the morning was broken again as Undyne spoke up, a question ready on her lips. “Well if that’s what you got her, what’d she get you?”

“O-Oh, well she didn’t really get me anything. See-” Just as he started to explain Toriel walked into the kitchen, her eyes tired yet lidded as she walked towards the cupboard with a stride in her step. There was a content smile on her face as she plucked a mug from the shelf and waltzed over to the teapot as the other three eyes in the room were glued to her. She yawned, swaying to a slow rhythm as she poured herself some tea. The room was deadly quiet, save for the delicate clinks of china as Toriel prepared her cup.

The queen finished pouring herself a spot of tea, and turned around to the other two monsters. She walked to Asgore, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Good morning, dear,” she said sweetly before turning to Undyne. “And hello to you Undyne, I hope you slept well.” She took a sip of her tea and sighed at the taste, her smile easing wider as her eyes closed. Without another word she made out of the kitchen, almost strutting as she neared the exit, looking over her shoulder.

“Asgore, dear, could you come back to bed when you’re done? I think you forgot your present in my room.” With a subtle wiggle of her hips she left, leaving Undyne and Asgore dumbfounded for a minute straight.

Steam rose from their mugs as they sat in silence again, until a massive grin grew on the guard’s lips, which was immediately turned towards Asgore. His blank expression cracked into a nervous smile, the king chuckling as the pattern of Toriel’s wallpaper became suddenly very interesting.

“I suppose,” Asgore scratched the back of his head as he chuckled guiltily, “you could say that my Gyftmas came with a happy ending.”

[punkwhodrinkstea-blog]

The Long Road of the Holidays

The holidays have come to an end, we flew through Christmas and it’s not the new year. People partied extra hard for no real reason and was probably horribly irresponsible for the hollow hope of trying to have a good time and avoid their life. Their attempts will be in vain since life goes on and it will come back to bite them in the butt if it hasn’t already. But nevermind that cause I hate new years celebrations because it has literally no meaning or purpose at all cause it changes nothing.

Anyway, let me tell you a little story. A few days ago my Fiancee and I arrived back at her house to find a girl probably in her early or mid-20s just sitting with a notebook sitting on the curb. It was a cold night and I thought maybe she was waiting for someone to pick her up, but she had a notebook out and not a cell phone, plus she almost looked homeless. So I had a feeling (probably from God) to ask her if she was okay and if she needed a ride somewhere. My fiancee and I got out of the car and walked over to her. I simply said “excuse me” and the first reaction was to ask if that was our house and that she needed to move. Apparently, people get mad if a stranger is sitting in front of their house...in the cold...what? Okay, only a dick would be mad about that. But anyway I just stopped her and told her it was fine for her to be there and then I proceeded to ask her if she needed a ride somewhere. She was not only surprised but she must’ve thought it was a miracle or something based on how she reacted. I suppose it is rare when a stranger asks if you need a ride but I thought it was pretty obvious that she wanted to be anywhere other than on the side of the road in the cold. I’d like to think more people would’ve considered that but our world is dark and no one seems to notice other people anymore these days. Heck according to her first concern, it seems that it would have been more likely for someone to see her as a problem then as someone who needed help. Next, she apologized for having acne….my heart sank a little. For starters, having acne is painful enough and not really your fault; at least most of the time since most people don’t usually choose to have acne. She clearly has had someone in her life complain about her acne or somehow made her feel like she is a problem in many ways in order for her to feel the need to apologize for it. Whoever makes someone feel that bad for something like this should have their balls slowly crushed in a vice. Anyway, she took our offer to give her a ride and we drove her back to her apartment. She was very nice the whole ride and we had a perfectly good and fairly natural conversation along the way. As the overprotective person that I am. I felt that maybe her niceness was fake because she seemed to be in with some bad people or she was down on her luck. Which based on other people like that, it is often because deep down, they are all dicks and it’s often time the reason why they are “down on their luck” or stuck with the bad crowd. My fiancee pointed out though that there are always red flags when someone is a bad person and she didn’t show any other than my vague assumptions, it’s not fair to judge someone on assumptions of any kind. In the end, she asked my Fiancee for her cell number and asked if maybe we could hang out sometime. She hasn’t texted or called at all so either she didn’t care to call/text, she forgot really quickly, she lied and was just being nice or my fiancee wrote her number down wrong which she is already overthinking. But at least we got the chance to help someone so that’s nice, I hope she is doing well because she mentioned that she had a rough holiday season.

Anyway, back to Christmas stuff. Christmas was pretty much the same but with college and so many family gatherings it came and went way too fast and the most joy I got from the season of Christmas was listening to Christmas CDs my fiancee made for the car. We only got to listen to them while driving from one chaotic family gathering to another. But we survived together and I’m glad. Next, I’m going to touch on all my presents this year and keep in mind that I’m a Gamer who comes from a wealthy family.

The first gift was a leather wallet that had only 3 pockets just big enough to hold 3 cards or maybe 2 cards and a small amount of cash that must be folded in half. My brother got this for me because it’s the kind of useless, overpriced hipster trash that he likes. He also accused me of using a plastic bag as a wallet even though he has seen me use my perfectly good and very practical wallet that I will continue to use because the wallet he gave me is pretty much useless. Thanks but no thanks, really shows just how disconnected he is from me and it shows that he thinks that because he likes that stuff, he thinks everyone else must like it too.

The second gift was also from my brother and I’m not sure which is more useless. This gift is a “Roku Streaming Stick Plus”. You probably don’t know what that is. Basically, it’s a USB stick but it’s not, instead, the port goes into an HDMI port. So it can stream audio and video to any display with an HDMI port. Long story short, it makes any display in a really crappy smart TV, aka a Netflix box. Now I rarely watch TV/Netflix/Youtube and I actually hate the idea of wasting away my life just watching stuff, I mean I’ve got stuff to do, I want to live my life, I want to be productive or actually have fun, anything but just sit there and consume content designed to make me dumb and addicted to their cheap form of entertainment. I refuse to be a sheep. Anyway, this is my brother's second gift to me and once again it shows just how little my brother knows me… or he’s trying to turn me into him? Not sure but I might sell his gifts.  

Third gift and one of the best, a bag of Beef Jerky. I’ve never really had Beef Jerky before because it’s expensive and probably really unhealthy but…. I had this bag and it was addicting and delicious. It’s already gone but my fiancee helped so I didn’t eat it all on my own.

Next was a pair of PJs, I actually got the exact same pair of PJs last year but they are a different color this time. They are good PJs so I’m glad I got another set.

Second last present was from my sister. She got me a t-shirt which fits me nicely and is just plain blue so I can’t complain. She also said she will pay for a 4-month parking pass for my college parking. That’s a lot of money and I am currently parking at an old friend’s house about 2km away to save money so I asked her to not give me the parking pass and maybe just help me pay car insurance for a month since it’s more helpful and costs less. Also at this rate, I might not have the money to pay for car insurance so the parking pass with be 100% useless. My sister and parents got mad at me when I point out that her gift will be a waste of money and that giving that money to help pay for my car would be far more helpful and cheaper. They said it was rude to not accept the gift and that I have to take it as it is… I guess they just like wasting money? They aren’t very smart. But they’d rather see this “grand” gesture which is just sooooo helpful than to actually be helpful and practical… and they wonder why I think they are foolish. They don’t think with their heads they think the way our culture has trained them to think.

Last and certainly not least. Over a month ago I found a GTX 1070 on for a great price at a local Staples if you’d believe it (it’s a High-End graphics card). Based on my lack of money and the fact that a good new graphics card is a worthy investment that will last me several years into my future I begged my dad to get it for me and said I’d even pitch in to get it. To my surprise, he actually got it for me and didn’t make me pitch in to help pay for it. It was great timing too because my current graphics card was having a hard time running the latest games. Plus the GTX 1070 can run VR which my fiancee and I want to have in the future (but mostly me). Now I knew my dad could afford the graphics card since we’re rather rich but the real surprise was if he was actually going to help me with something gaming related.

To end off this blog post let me just say that I am making a freak’n board game. As a gamer and writer, creating a game is right up my alley. I’d love to make a video game and I was going to do only tutorials and stuff to learn how to make a game in Unreal Engine since they have a logic system that can be programmed without the need for being a master programmer but I know I won’t have the time until probably the summer so I’ll save that for then. But in the meantime I’ll be working on my board game. I realized that my local library has a 3D printer for use by anyone in the public. So I found the software they use online and have begun designing the game pieces. I genuinely think that I would make a great game maker. I have the mind for it and I have lots of knowledge and experience to know what makes a good game and how to balance everything. Plus I love to create and I simply find it so fun. If I somehow get a career making games I’m taking it.  Anyway, long story short the game is coming along super well and myself along with some friends are really excited about it. It’s a weird side project I know but even as a kid I actually made expansion packs and my own board games. The main problem was that no one ever played with me. It was a big reason as to why I love video games, with video games I can play against AI enemies or online where there are always people to play with, plus you don’t have to drive/walk to your friend’s house to play with them. Gaming with people in person is usually better than online but the amount of practicality of online gaming far outways the idea of me or a friend constantly traveling and moving our gear.

Next, the reason for the title of this blog post was because I’ve done a crap ton of driving over the holidays and I’m tired of it. My fiancee and I went on a road trip to my old, old house where I spent nearly half my life and I got to show her around and talk her ear off about what life was like in a big rich white neighborhood. Her mother came along to see something that I can’t really explain. Something about birds, I could google it but I’m not going to tell you the name anyway. The real reason she came along was to make sure my fiancee and I didn’t have sex which was a bit insulting since both my fiancee and I have done a great job with boundaries and we are both confident that we won’t. We plan to wait until we are married for those who don’t know.

Okay, one last thing I promise. Growing up the phrase “that’s gay” or “that’s super gay” or some use of the word gay was apart of my vocabulary and was often used to express how dumb I thought something was, I know myself and many other people used the word just like that and no one ever got offended and it was totally normal…. Until one day. The storm clouds blew in, thunder roared, lightning crashed, shots were fired and…. A literal gay kid got offended. Myself and others were slowly trained that using the word gay like that could be offensive that we should never say it again. These were dark times but I have reached the point in my life where I simply don’t give a bloody gay butt fucking care about that overly sensitive bullshit that mentally screwed up gay people brought into our society anymore! So now I use the word gay just like I used too and I use it as often or as little as I want. If someone gets offended then too bad. It’s not my fault you are so sensitive or that you’re gay and I am tired of bending to the will of those who are so messed up. So I AM DONE!

...Thank good night, I hope you’re happy…

*drops the mic*

[jadekitty777]

Doomsday Dinner Party

Ooooh, we’re starting to hit some of my personal favorites for the week! 

Day 3 – Best-Worst Date @taiqrowweek

Summary: The world might be over as they know it, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t still time for a dinner date. [Zombie/Walking Dead AU]

Rating: T

Warnings: Just your typical things you’d expect in a zombie story – gore and lots of cussing.

Ao3 Link: Doomsday Dinner Party

~

“What’s all this?”

Tai looked up at the tall, lanky man who had just entered the room. He waved to the spread along the table like a game show host would when showing off a prize. “Dinner.”

“Yeah but what’s with the candles and the-” He looked around the table as if hoping to find something else to point out and just settled for repeating, “…candles?”

“Qrow, if you are about to tell me you have never been on a date before when you are the smoothest motherfucker I have ever known, I’m going to develop a complex.” Tai deadpanned.

The man barked a surprised laugh, raising a hand to his mouth to stifle some of it, but the wide grin stayed. “I think we’ve been hanging out too much if you’re starting to talk like me.”

“Your sense of humor is hilarious.” He retorted, pointing to the chair opposite him. “Now sit your ass down and eat.”

“Yes sir!” He saluted him before doing as told. He picked up his fork, looking down at the blue-trimmed plate.  To pretend the warmed up can of green beans and the strips of beef jerky was a feast by any measure of the word was so utterly absurd Qrow didn’t even bother joking about it as he carried on, “And you even dug out the good china and silverware! You really went all out. All for lil’ ol’ me?  What’s the occasion? Wait!” He mock gasped. “Please don’t tell me I forgot our anniversary.”

“Qrow this is our first date. Shut up already.” His tone was as dry as the Arizona desert, unamused at the other’s antics. He paused, then added hesitantly, “I just, wanted something normal. You know?”

The other speared some vegetables, expression bitter. “Nothing’s normal anymore.”

Tai looked away. “Yeah.”

There was a thick lull that settled, no other sound but a battery-powered clock that was miraculously still ticking. Qrow broke it with a sigh, “I’m being an ass again, aren’t I?”

“Lil’ bit.”

“Sorry.” He pointed finger-guns at him and winked, “Let me make it up to you tonight baby. I’ll rock your world.”

“Oh for the love of God. You’re the fucking worst.” Tai groaned.

“Since you’re like the only other person in a three-hundred mile radius, does that mean I get second place? Because, I gotta say, that’s actually a step up for me.”

He couldn’t decide if the joke was in bad taste or not, but it was so left field he couldn’t help but chuckle, if only because Qrow’s eternal insufferableness still managed to be endearing. He wasn’t the only other person in a three-hundred mile radius – or at least he hoped he wasn’t. It was hard to say if they just hadn’t seen anyone else because they weren’t staying in one place for very long or if just that few people had survived once the real fallout began.

The news of a chemical bomb striking Canada in early September had hit overnight and by that morning, Tai was being called to arms for the national crisis. He barely had time to think as he packed up some of the girls’ clothes and toys and dropped them off with his ex-wife. “It’ll be just a few weeks. I’ll be home in time for Christmas.” He had told them just before he drove off to the nearest military airport in central Texas.

Christmas was months ago.

The attack had been without provocation and even if the source was ever determined, his platoon had never been told. At first, his only assignment was to provide immediate relief to surviving victims – but upon arrival, he’d found himself in a warzone. No one knew what to make of it. It was like a nightmare as they were overwhelmed by a force they hadn’t been prepared to fight.

The dead just… coming back to life. The bodies of former comrades rising from the ground, mindless and hungry before they turned on them. If one was lucky, either they killed it or were killed. If one was unlucky and only got bit, then it was days of suffering as the body overran with the volatile sickness that had people running high-grade fevers and coughing up blood. By the time they had figured anything out, so many were already gone – and it only grew worse as information of in-home attacks started coming in. The chemicals had poisoned the air and spread across the states and into Mexico. Hospitals and morgues were overrun within days and, soon, entire towns.

Tai could still hear Summer’s terrified cries as he gave her directions to a military encampment and told her to take the girls and stay there. Gave promises he doubted he could keep that he would come get them. Choked down his own sobs when he told his girls, maybe for the last time, how much he loved them.

He tried to reach Raven as well, but his ex-girlfriend never answered. He left the information on her machine anyways, praying she got it but fearing it was already too late.

After a month, the blackouts started. Reports stopped coming in. Within another week, people started to desert. He followed his own squad as far as the Montana border and that was about when General Ironwood, sounding a little unhinged, started talking plans about storming the Pentagon. For what reason, he never made clear, but that was all Tai needed to hear to know it was time to set out on his own. He tried to invite Winter along, knowing his lieutenant was desperate to head to California where her own family was but, for reasons he couldn’t quite fathom, she declined, leaving him only her blessings.

Getting out of just Montana took weeks; the streets were crowded with abandoned cars and being forced to avoid towns with large populations was making him take detour after detour. It was shortly after the ground was dusting with the season’s thicker snowfall that he found himself in a department store, desperately searching for something, anything, to eat. What greeted him instead was a grand ol’ view of some guy’s pale ass while he slipped on a pair of “free” boxers in the middle of an aisle.

That was how he met Qrow.

They bonded over a pack of Oreos and some Snapple. As it turned out, they were both headed the same way. Qrow had an estranged twin sister he hadn’t seen in years but knew had been living in Wichita Falls. “It’s appropriate, since she’s a witch herself” He had jeered. Apparently, the two had been split up when their parents divorced and they hadn’t kept close contact over the years. When Tai asked why he’d seek her out at all, the other man just shrugged and looked away, his gaze dark. “Nothing else for me here.”

He didn’t ask any more questions after that.

“Gotta say,” Qrow’s voice brought him back to the present. He was eyeing some of the candles that were burning brightly on the kitchen counter. “I know I’m being a bit of jerk about it but, this is actually kind of nice.”

He smiled happily though he couldn’t resist teasing, “That’s only making me worry more that this really is your first date.”

“Of course not. Just, I always had a bit of trouble keeping my relationships long term. My longest was maybe a year and then I just started to purposely distance myself until Oz got fed up and walked.” He scratched the end of his nose, looking both a mixture of amused and sheepish. “According to my old AA coach, aside from all the rampant drinking, I also have a bad habit of sabotaging myself due to my insecurities. Purposely avoiding calls and being late. Picking fights just because. That sort of thing. It was part of my ‘recovery’ to work on it.” He rolled his shoulders some, “But obviously, I still do it.”

“You’re not that bad.” Tai reassured. After a moment, he snorted and added, “Actually, you’re no worse than me really. I tend to rush things. I was jumping into bed with Rae without asking all the important questions. She never wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t find that out until after she was pregnant with Yang.” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, his face flushing with embarrassment. “And with Summer, I somehow was even worse. I proposed after we were only together six months. So when she just told me one morning she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t happy with me, well… that was a hell of a blow. I told myself next time I’d do it right and take things slow.” He looked across the table, waving between them, thinking of the various nights they had lain together. “Instead, I’ve upgraded to pulling off the clothes before the first date.”

“Wow, we’re perfect for each other.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

Qrow chuckled, popping a strip of jerky in his mouth and saying around it, “To be fair, there’s not much opportunity to do anything slow right now.”

“Nor is self-improvement a high priority when you’re constantly running for your life.” He countered. He had to wonder what it said about both of them that, despite knowing those things, they were still making an effort regardless.

“For what it’s worth,” Qrow said as he set his fork down, “If I have to walk through this hell on earth, I-”

He never got to finish before the sound of a siren loudly going off jolted them both to their feet. They stared at one another with wide eyes, before they hurried to peer out the kitchen window. They had holed up in a small, fenced in home that was part of the rural district on the north side of town. They hadn’t bothered to waste energy clearing the streets, so they could see how the straggling dead were lifting their heads and starting to stumble down the street.

Tai turned his head some, listening to the pulsing drones that echoed across the town. “Is that… the tornado siren?”

“How is it even going off?”

He shook his head. “They have back-up power for emergencies. Maybe something malfunctioned?” Or someone was setting it off intentionally, though he couldn’t fathom the reason why if that were the case. “Either way, that’s gonna attract a lot of attention if it keeps up.”

Qrow took a few steps back, frowning. “Then we need to leave, now.” He turned, heading for the den where their stuff was. “Can’t get a damn bit of sleep like this.”

Tai glanced out at the darkness warily, not really liking the idea of traveling at night. But knowing the alternative could be worse if they got caught in an unexpected horde, he blew out the candles and joined the other in gathering their things. They searched the house one last time for any last provisions they could scrounge up and poured the melted wax from the candles before packing them up too. Most of the lumbering dead had made it to the street corner by the time they stepped outside and the jarring noise of the alert and the thickness of the summer’s heat and humidity pressed down on them.

Tai pulled open the gate while Qrow started the car, the roar of the engine gearing up being lost to the siren’s call. He hopped into the passenger seat, saying, “Looks like they’re heading towards the center of town.”

“Then we know where we’re not going.” He backed the car up, heading up the street. “Alright navigator, which way should we go?”

“Go left. We should avoid the main street.” Tai said, turning on the overhead light and unfolding their map. He ran his finger down the blue trail lines. Even though the 44 was a straight shot into Wichita, they definitely wanted to avoid going through Lawton. “If we keep going down this way, eventually we’ll hit a road that crosses into the 17. We can follow it up to Sterling and stay there for the night. It’s mostly just countryside from here to there. Should only take an hour or so.”

The other nodded, leaning back some as he drove with one hand. Tai could have believed he was entirely relaxed, if not for the white-knuckled grip he had on the wheel. “Sounds good to me.”

He clicked the light back off and settled back as well. With no street lamps and the moon barely a crescent, there wasn’t much to see. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; without all the light pollution, the sky was littered with more stars then he’d ever seen in his entire life. Clusters upon clusters of them that shaded the sky in a dark sapphire blue and the barest hint of violet nebula clouds that he’d taken to admiring during times when they were holed up and safe. Sometimes Qrow would join him and they’d huddle under a shared blanket as they tried to pretend they knew anything about constellations.

“They’re not all dragons Tai.”

“Oh fine.” He moved his finger in a few wide arcs.

“What are you making?”

“A crow. The dragon needs a meal after all.”

“I can’t decide if you’re trying to scare me or seduce me.”

After a few minutes, they were already out of the small town and into nothing but miles of dark fields on either side. Qrow was keeping their speed tempered so they could avoid any potential hazards. Still, Tai tried to stay alert, knowing they could come upon something at a moment’s notice whether it be an abandoned vehicle or a shambling body. It was why he didn’t miss something shifting in the dark and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“I see it.” Qrow murmured softly, the headlights illuminating the form of a deteriorating body that was reaching out for them before he swerved carefully around it.

A few feet later, there was a small group of about three that they also drove around. When they hit another cluster, this one a little bigger, Tai felt tension coiling within him, gripping his own knee tightly. “Qrow…”

His partner shifted forward, gripping onto the wheel with both hands now, “Maybe we – fuck!” The tires screeched as he slammed on the brakes.

Tai caught himself on the dashboard as momentum jerked him forward, heart stuttering to a stop at the sight of the massive horde now illuminated in their headlights. They came lurching towards the car, the sound of their snarls loud over the hum of the engine, a few hands banging onto the hood.

Beside him, Qrow cursed again as he fumbled for the gear shift, throwing them into reverse. “HOLD ON!” Tires screeched as he hit the gas pedal hard and they shot backwards, only for them to slam into the bodies that had been behind them. The whole car shook hard enough toss them in their seats and rattle their bones.

And then the back of the car pitched upwards like it was on a hill and stopped.

Qrow’s breathing was coming out in rapid pants, slamming his foot on the gas again and again as the mass of dead came closer. The tires were spinning but the car wasn’t moving. He gave a yell of frustration, tearing off his seatbelt and reaching over the backseat for his weapon. “Get our stuff, I’ll cover you!”

Tai didn’t argue, throwing open his door. It smashed into a few of the bodies that had started to come close and he dove out of the car, pulling open the back seat, tossing the duffel bag and backpack over his shoulders. While he was, Qrow slid across the hood of the car, landing on his side and swinging his gardening scythe in a fierce arc, looking much like the grim reaper himself as he lobbed off a few heads.

Tai unsheathed his own machete knife, slamming it up the underside of someone’s jaw, a harsh kick dislodging her and throwing her down. “Come on!”

The other threw a few more wild swings before turning and sprinting back down the road with him, his long legs making it effortless in catching up, angling his weapon astride himself. Their feet pounded together on the asphalt, a discordant harmony to the growls and snarls following behind them. “Now what?!”

“We run back to town!” Tai replied, reaching behind him to grope for the mesh pocket on the side of the backpack. They had only been driving a little while. They couldn’t be more than a few miles from town – but even if they got back, then what? Unless the horde moved on, they’d be trapped. His hand caught around the flashlight and he yanked it out in front of him, the beam of light bouncing along the road as he tried to guide their way, only to reveal a slowly growing crowd stumbling up on the street from the west side. “Shit! This way!”

They ran a diagonal path into the fields, the tall weeds swallowing their shins. The taller pushed back his bangs, throwing a look over his shoulder. “Why are there so many?!”

He yelled back between gasps for air, sweat already slicking his skin from the heat. “They must be coming off the freeway! They’re probably following the others because of the siren!” And now they were following them, pushing them away from the road and from the town. Without having slept or eaten well lately, Tai knew they were going to run out of energy very quickly. If they didn’t think of something soon, they were going to die.

Qrow slowed his pace some, squinting at a dark, imposing shape they were quickly approaching. “I think something’s ahead of us!”

He held the flashlight forward, exposing circles of white that didn’t make sense at first until they started to get closer. It was a brick wall that was about nine feet tall and, as he waved it down both sides, found it was covering a few acres worth of land. They’d never be able to run along it without being intercepted.

His grit his teeth as he realized their only choice was to go over.

As he put away the flashlight and his knife, Tai looked to the man beside him, the worried look on Qrow’s face clearly telling him he was coming to the same conclusion. “Can you make that jump?”

“Yeah, I got it!”

As they came to the wall, Tai ran ahead, finding purchase against the brick, lunging upwards. His right hand caught along the back of the fence, using the leverage to pull himself up. As he did, a scythe flew by, Qrow having pitched it over like it was a javelin. He looked over, seeing the other man distancing himself a few paces before rushing forward and taking a leap.

The tips of his fingers grasped onto the edge before he was falling back to the ground. The man cursed, stumbling backwards and shaking out his hands before trying again. His second attempt fell even shorter. Qrow looked up at him, panicked, while the growls behind him grew ever closer. “Uh, Tai?!”

Tai glanced to the other side of the wall, seeing nothing in the enclosure except some large tanks – a propane facility, possibly – and yanked off the bags, throwing them over the side. He swung around, jumping back down. “I’m gonna vault you over, alright?” He clasped his hands together into a make-shift stirrup. “Put your foot here and put the other on the wall. You jump and I’ll push you upwards. Got it?”

“Yeah!” He replied, placing his foot in his hand as told.

He counted down, “One, two, three, JUMP!” Suddenly, all of Qrow’s weight was on him as he hopped up. Tai’s arms shook with the strain, lifting the other’s leg high when he was able to grab the edge again, the extra height giving him the boost he needed to scrabble on top. Once he was sure the other was secure, he took a few steps back as he readied himself again.

Just as he was about to run forward, a hand grasped onto the back of his shirt and a hiss echoed in his ears.

“TAI!”

Acting on instinct, he threw his arm back, his elbow driving home into the nose of his captor, throwing him and his gnashing teeth miles from his shoulder. He pivoted on his toes as he drew his machete again, hurling it into the skull of another, but when it didn’t slice through like he wanted, he just used the leverage to push the stumbling dead into the crowd behind him, making quite a few fall down like they were dominos. More continued to stagger over them.

Qrow had stood, running lengthwise along the wall as he pulled out his pistol and took shots. “HEY! HEEEY OVER HERE!” The noise he was making was drawing most of them his way.

Taking the opportunity, Tai dashed forward and scurried up the wall a second time, finding it much harder this time when his whole body shook with effort. He straddled the wall, the adrenalin that had kept him going waning fast. His heart was hammering hard, lungs and eyes burning, muscles trembling with strain and clothes stuck to sweat-soaked skin. He waved when his partner called in concern, wordlessly pointing to the other side, and they both hopped down to the other side. Tai fell back against the wall, hand against his chest as he caught his breath.

Qrow hurried across the grass, fishing again for the flashlight before he turned it on, giving several long, slow sweeps of the area. Other than the tanks he had seen before, there was a single, long, metal warehouse at the far end of the facility. But nothing else. For now, they were safe.

He pulled off from the wall, walking over. “We did it Qr-!”

The flashlight hit the ground, the beam of light dancing as it rolled away, and Qrow whirled on him, dragging him forward into a bruising kiss. After a moment, Tai tore off his bloody gloves, tangling his clean hands into the other man’s hair, kissing back with equal fervor. He hummed pleasurably as their tongues tangled together, the other’s hands slipping up his chest and around his neck.

When they pulled apart, the other whispered breathlessly against his lips. “I’m glad it’s with you.”

“What?” Tai gasped back.

Qrow pulled back slightly, his gaze intense as he said heatedly. “If I had to walk through this hell on earth, I’m glad it’s with you.”

Tai stared back at him, his heart thudding again for an entirely different reason as he replied, “Yeah. Me too.” And then he lent forward, capturing his lips in another kiss.

~ A/N: Not written – the moment when these two discover that Qrow’s twin sister and Tai’s former girlfriend is the same person.

Also, a dad’s happy reunion with his two precious daughters because for god’s sake I’mnotamonster.

[walkingdeadfan25]

Call Me Jesus part 1

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Character pairing: Jesus x Female OC

Warnings: Language, slight sexual reference

Disclaimer: I know Jesus is gay in the show but I just keep having this dream, which is my story, and so I’m going to write it and get it out there. I love Jesus as he is in the show whether he is gay or straight. Please don’t send me hate. 

*I own nothing but my character Cas everything else belongs to AMC and the creators of The Walking Dead

"I never understand a damn thing that mullet-headed man says, I swear.", Cas said from the back seat. Cas was a woman of twenty-three years with long pin straight dark-brown almost black that shone red in sunlight. She had pale green eyes that at appeared silver at times. she was going on a supply run with Rick and Daryl. “Today’s the day, we’re gonna find food, maybe some people. The law of averages has gotta catch up.”, Rick’s words filled the otherwise empty silence. Daryl begged Rick not to play his shitty country music. “I swear to God Rick. I grew up in the goddamn home of country music, in Nashville. If I have to hear any more of that god awful screeching and moaning they called country music, I will kill you. Please shut that shit off.”, Cas complained. Rick knew her and Daryl both were more rock oriented and tried to make them as miserable as possible.

 They drove along till they came across a sorghum barn of sorts. Daryl went to open the white pull-up gate as Rick and Cas covered him. Rick pulled his gun out while Cas pulled out her katana. Like Michonne, Cas preferred her sword to a gun. Really any close-combat weapon suited Cas, guns to her were too unpredictable and noisy. As Daryl pulled the door up Rick and Cas moved in to ensure it was clear. Inside, to their amazement was a white truck that looked as though it held a fuck-ton of goodies. “God, Jesus, whoever. If you’re listening now I hope you have cut us some slack and brought Christmas early.

Daryl swung up the back door and before their eyes was the most glorious gift one could receive trying survive in their shit world: Supplies! “Law of averages.”

“Damn it Rick, don’t jinx us. It was obviously early Christmas!”, Cas joked. Daryl just told her she was crazy while playfully ruffling her hair. They piled into the truck, Cas stuck between the two men and due to her shortness, she looked like a kid. They approached an abandoned gas station and stopped to see if they could score more supplies. They got out and Cas searched the blue SUV looking thing. She scored and managed to find a sharp hunting knife to add to her collection, a box of clothing articles, a couple guns and a box of cans with some packets of beef jerky. “Hey guys! I found some stuff. I’m going to put them into the truck.” As she turned, she could have sworn she saw movement at the side of the building.

Once she had loaded the stuff she found, she went over to Rick and Daryl to see them struggling to get a vending machine turned over. She would have offered to help but decided to let the boys use their “manly capabilities” which ended up with the vending machine chained to the truck. As Rick pulled the truck forward, the vending machine flipped over with a loud clank and Cas knew if there were walkers around the noise would surely attract them, so she paid close attention to her surroundings. All the sudden a man rushed Rick and knocked him onto the vending machine. 

Cas ran over and gracefully leaped onto the stranger’s back, tightening her legs around his slim waist and holding a knife to his neck. He stopped immediately as he felt the cool metal against his neck. Once Daryl and Rick had their guns on him, Rick signaled Cas she could release him. She maneuvered herself up his body and in one graceful move that the man barely felt, she flipped herself over him and landed lightly on the balls of her feet behind Rick and Daryl. The man looked at her in awe. “That was amazing.”, he thought.

Cas took the moment to take in the man before her. He was tall maybe 6ft. or close to it. He was encased in dark clothing, odd for the hot weather, with gloves on his hands, a gray beanie and a cloth covering half his face. But what caught Cas’ attention were his long almost golden brown hair and blue and silver eyes. He held up his hands in surrender. “Hi.” Daryl and Rick yelled at him to keep his hands up and to back up. “Whoa, easy guys. I was just running from the dead.” Daryl continued to interrogate him and he warned them to run. Cas was too taken with the beautiful man and his soft voice that sounded like honey, but quickly snapped to attention. 

Daryl lowered his gun once he felt the stranger was not a current threat. Once he began asking about a camp Daryl lied telling him no. Rick asked if he had a camp to which he also replied no. Right then, suspicion began to cloud Cas’ mind. He looked too clean, his hair shining. He had a camp but maybe he was just as cautious with them as they were with him. Cas brushed her hand against Rick’s stealthy letting him know she knew the stranger wasn’t telling the whole truth. “I hope this world is good to you guys.”, the stranger said as he turned to leave. 

“I’m Rick. This is Daryl and-”, Rick introduced until Cas interrupted, “and I’m Cas. May we have the courtesy of knowing yours?” He turned and pulled down the cloth covering his face. It revealed a scruffy beard and mustache. Cas couldn’t help but wonder what that beard would feel like brushing across the sensitive skin of her inner thighs or those lips as they- “No, brain out of the gutter. Not happening. You barely know this man!” She couldn’t help but also think he looked like Jesus. “Paul Rovia. But my friends used to call me Jesus.” Cas let out a light laugh. “I was just thinking that.” The boys still talked back like testosterone pumped teenagers and Cas let them have their fun. Rick started to ask him the three questions but Daryl stopped him. Jesus ran telling them they should head out. “What the hell was that?”, Daryl demanded once Jesus had rounded the corner. “His beard, it was trimmed. There’s more giving on there.”

“Ok, so I wasn’t the only one who noticed gorgeous was lying.”, Cas immediately began to blush. Rick and Daryl looked at her and she just knew they’d never let her live it down. They were about to make plans to follow him when what sounded like shots rang out behind them. Daryl and Rick went to find the source while Cas stayed to watch the truck. Once they disappeared behind the back, she felt strong arms wrap around her. A cloth was pressed to her nose and she inhaled as a reflex. As her vision began to fade she could just make out those startling eyes that were surprisingly filled with warmth as she was quickly but gently lowered to the ground. “I’m sorry. It’s nothing personal but I have people to take care of too.”

As Daryl and Rick reached the back they realized they were being tricked. “It’s a trap. The truck. Cas!” They hurried back to the front in time to see Jesus speeding off in their truck and Cas on the ground. They hurried over to Cas to make sure she was okay. “Damn asshole better not have hurt her!”, Daryl cursed. Slowly Cas came to and jumped up. “That dick! I swear I’m going to rip his nuts off and feed them to him!” 

“Are you sure wouldn’t like him to keep them?”, Cas’s cheeks burned red. “Leave me alone. I can’t help I find him attractive. Now let’s go find him and get our shit back.” They took off and Cas was glad she still kept in shape. They soon came upon the vending machine and caught their breath. Daryl emptied it of its contents. One can was busted open and they passed it around. Cas would have preferred water but her throat was dry and she’d take what she could. Plus, she missed soda, can if it was flat and warm. As the sugary drink exploded her taste buds in orangey goodness, she listened in on Rick as he tried to convince them he might not be all that bad. Daryl wasn’t having it but Cas not going to form an opinion on him till she got his side of the story. They finished catching their breath and their soda and were off.

Cas enjoyed the running. She felt free and welcomed the burn in her legs as she pushed herself, felt the breeze through her hair cooling her as they ran. She was almost always on a run, doing what she could for the others. They rounded a corner and came upon the truck. They slowed down as they saw Jesus fixing the tire. They made a plan to ambush him and entered the woods, circling to catch him from the side while he was putting the tools back in the back. Rick ran around the truck to the other side. Once Jesus turned around to get back into the truck, Rick ran behind him locking him in his hold. He quickly rammed his elbow into Rick’s side and pulled his arms up and away from him. He kicked Rick away from him. Daryl went to attack but in a smooth maneuver, Jesus stopped him and threw him against the truck. Before Cas could attack, Rick ran at him slamming him into the ground. Cas, using quick thinking, planted her foot on his chest to keep him down as Rick and Daryl pull their guns on him. 

Jesus couldn’t help but get lost in Cas’ silvery green gaze. “This is done.”, Rick said angrily. A walker began to come upon them and Cas said she had it. She ran up to it and in a clean graceful maneuver that even Michonne would envy, cut right through the dead’s head. “She’s beautiful.” Both men ignored Jesus’ comment. Rick demanded the keys as they both cocked their guns. He handed them over. Daryl threw Cas some rope and she began tying Jesus up. “You can’t just leave me here.”, he said as he gave Cas what he hoped was puppy eyes. As she met his gaze he took in a sharp breath. “We both know these bindings won’t hold you for long. I’m sorry.” She gave him an apologetic smile as she got up. Daryl threw him one of the almost empty cans of soda. “You didn’t have to be so rude Daryl.” “And he didn’t have to be a dick and steal our truck.”

They flew down the road, windows down while munching on some candy. Daryl passed Cas and Rick some chocolate as Rick pointed out a barn. As they headed towards it they went over a hole and heard a loud thump from the roof. “I think that son of a bitch is on the roof.” Suddenly Rick slammed on the brakes and Cas braced her hands on the dash to keep from flying out the windshield. As they came to a halt, Jesus is thrown off the roof and landed with a grunt. Cas winced as she heard his body hit the grass. Soon he jumped up and Daryl went off after him. Rick tried to block him but he ran. Rick stopped and got out of the truck, Cas pulled out the keys as he ran off and made sure the emergency brakes were on. As Daryl chased Jesus, Rick and Cas killed some of the dead. Once Rick realized Daryl was having trouble he sent Cas to help. 

Jesus had doubled back to the truck so she ran to the other side as Daryl cornered him inside. “Come here you little shit!” Cas flung the door open and gripped Jesus around the shoulders. “Daryl behind you!”, Cas warned as he turned. She dragged Jesus from the vehicle. While pulling him out, his foot caught the brake and the truck began rolling. Cas fell back and so did Jesus. Unfortunately, the open door caught Jesus in the face, knocking him out.

They watched as all that food was swallowed up by water.

“You guys alright?”, Rick asked. Daryl and Cas replied with a yes. “Law of Averages. That’s bullshit man.”, Daryl gruffed. Daryl wanted to check the trucks and leave Jesus, but Cas convinced him and Rick they should take him, that he might show them his group. 

As they get into one of the cars, they put Jesus in the back with Cas. As they are travelling, Rick veered left and caused Jesus to slump over onto Cas’ shoulder. She blushed. “He took a pretty hard hit. Denise needs to look him over. When we get back, take him to her.” Figuring he’d be uncomfortable she gently moved him so his head was in her lap and draped his legs on the seat as best she could. Rick talked about how Daryl would not have left him in a tree. To pass the time, Cas began to run her hand through his soft hair.

Once they arrived at Alexandria, she brought him to Denise and explained how he was to have an eye kept on him, then went home to sleep.

                                                 END OF PART 1

[megankoumori]

AU Fic: Kale

So I’ve been experimenting with an AU “Toy Story”. I don’t know how far I’m going to take it since AU isn’t really my thing, but I had an idea and you know how that goes.

Some background:

It’s set in the same universe as the fic I did for Rain’s “Don’t Distract the Driver” but takes place before.

Woody and Bo are newly engaged. She’s a daycare teacher, he’s the local Sheriff.

It’s 20 Minutes into the Future, where the existence of extraterrestrial life, Star Command, and the Space Rangers are common knowledge. The town they live in is the only American city with a Crystallic Fusion plant. Naturally this makes it a target for Zurg…

Woody actually lives outside of the town on a ranch.

Woody and Jessie are twins. He’s five minutes older and still not the boss of her.

My own experiences cooking kale may have totally been recreated here.

Rated T.

–

As he stared out the window across the golden grassy fields, Woody inhaled deeply from the mug he was holding. The early summer sun was just beginning to rise in the Oklahoma sky and for the briefest of moments, he contemplated taking the day off.

There were soft footsteps behind him and he turned. Bo was standing in the kitchen doorway, wearing his yellow button up shirt and precious little else. On her head she had placed his trusty hat. “How do I look?” she asked playfully.

He chuckled. “Ready for the round up, Partner.” Offering her his hand, he guided her to the window and wrapped an arm around her waist. “Made some coffee.”

“Thanks. I don’t really drink coffee.”

“Okay. Well I have milk and…tap water.”

Bo smiled at him dreamily. “Milk will do. In fact,” she grasped his hands. “Why don’t I make you some breakfast?”

“Me?”

“Well sure, I suppose I’m going to have get used to cooking for you.” Taking off his hat, she put it on his head. “How about some eggs?”

“I, uh…”

As she walked to the fridge door and swung it open, she froze. “What…”

“I don’t have any eggs.”

“You don’t have anything!” she exclaimed. “Nothing but milk and…and…” She pulled out a tray of something ancient wrapped in bacon and speared with toothpicks. It was covered in a carpet of fuzz.

“Oh yeah I forgot about those,” said Woody. “That was from the office Christmas party.”

Shuddering, Bo quickly dumped the offending food into the trash. “Woody, how do you live like this? How can you eat?”

“I eat,” he said. He motioned with his head. “Food’s in the cabinet.”

Turning, Bo tugged open the cabinet doors indicated…and was instantly greeted by a wall of identical cans. She pulled one out to examine it. “‘Uncle Walt’s Fine Chili and Beans’? That’s all you eat?”

“Of course not!” Moving past her, he reached in the cupboard and pulled out a long white train. He held it up so she could see. “I have crackers!”

“Oh my…” Bo took a deep breath and sat down at the table. “Woody!”

“What?”

“Woody, you can’t subsist solely on chili and crackers!”

He gave a little shrug. “But I like chili.”

“It’s not healthy!” she said. “You need a proper nutritional balance!”

Woody rubbed the back of his neck. “Well I guess I have gotten used to eating like a bachelor…”

Bo shook her head. “Well if I’m going to be your wife, the first thing I’m going to do is make sure you’re properly fed. No wonder you’re so skinny.”

The Sheriff looked down at his stomach in surprise. Then he smiled coyly at her. “I thought you liked my body.”

“I do like your body. And that’s why I’m going make it healthy.”

“Well all right. You’re not going to make me drink raw eggs and punch meat in a freezer are you?” Bo stared at him as if he had suddenly sprouted another head. “It’s…it’s a ‘Rocky’ joke,” he said lamely. “Because Rocky drinks eggs and punches meat and…and Jessie watches the ‘Rocky’ movies way too much…”

Bo stood up and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to cook you a nutritious dinner. A real dinner.”

Pulling her close, Woody smiled. “Sounds like a plan…” He leaned in, eyes closed…

The sound of his cellphone echoing through the kitchen killed whatever was to come next. Growling, Woody snatched it off the table. “Yeah?” he paused, listening to the voice at the other end. “All right, all right. I’ll be there in twenty.” Clicking off, he sighed. “And here I was thinking about taking the day off.” Looking up, he offered apologetically, “Bank robbery. Hostages. I have to go.”

“A Sheriff’s work is never done.” Bo gave him a hug. “Just remember, tonight you get a home cooked meal. And after that,” she smiled wickedly. “You get me.”

Woody turned red from the top of his scalp to the bottom of his collar bone as he laughed loudly. “Go,” Bo said as she turned him toward the door. “Be a hero. Woody saves the day again.”

–

Bo stared at the plastic bag full of greens as she read to herself. “Let’s see. ‘Vitamin A, Vitamin C…’”

A grocery cart suddenly wheeled next to her. Jessie had her boots planted on the front bottom bar as she rode it like a skateboard. “Hey, ya know they say the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Bo nodded absently as she continued to scan the package. “Mmm…”

Jessie waved a bottle of Jack Daniels in the air. “But I say the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his liver!”

Bo looked up and rolled her eyes. “Oh Jessie, put that back! We’re here for ingredients!” She dropped the bag in the cart. Jessie hopped off the front and Bo began to guide the cart further down the produce section.

“You’re sure goin’ through a lotta trouble for that dorky brother of mine.”

“You should’ve seen his kitchen, Jessie. Nothing but milk and a hundred cans of chili.” Bo paused and began examining some garlic cloves.

“Don’t forget about the crackers.”

Bo stopped and looked at her. “You knew?”

“Duh, he’s my brother.”

“You knew he eats like that and you never did anything?”

Jessie shrugged. “What could I do? Food’s just not somethin’ that’s ever been really important to Woody, I guess. He could be happy eatin’ chili outta the can for the rest of his life.”

Bo squared her shoulders, a determined look coming over her face. “Well, that’s not going to happen. Not if I have anything to do with it.”

As she pushed the cart again, Jessie hurried to catch up. “Well, even if my brother is a chili eatin’ dork, I think it’s sweet of you to care about him so much.”

“Well thank you, Jessie.”

“So can we pick up some Crunch Berries while we’re here? And some jumbo jerky?”

Bo sighed. “I’m beginning to think your family has a problem…”

–

It was dusk when Woody’s marked pickup truck drove up the dirt road and parked in front of the ranch. As he let himself in the door, he pulled off his hat, twisting the brim in his hands. “Bo? You here?”

“In the kitchen.”

He smiled, remembering her promise from that morning, then cleared his throat. “Ah, Sweetie, I hope you don’t mind…I know I should have called but…”

Bo poked her head around the doorframe. Her curly blonde hair was held back by a pink bandana and her cheeks were unusually flushed. Woody guessed she had been working hard all afternoon. “Oh! Buzz!”

The Ranger stood behind Woody. He saluted politely. “Ma’am. Forgive the intrusion…”

Woody look apologetic. “Room for one more? Turns Buzz here’s never had a real home cooked Earth meal.”

“It’s actually been years since I’ve had a home cooked anything,” Buzz confessed. “Star Command favors function and practicality so all of our food is given to us in capsule form. It’s been a long time since Nana Lightyear’s Banthaloaf.”

“Yeahhhh…” Woody turned. “So whaddya say, Hon?”

“Well…” Bo put a playful finger to her cheek. “I guess I don’t mind your guest…if you don’t mind mine.”

“Yours?”

There was a shriek inside from the kitchen. “MY BISCUITS ARE BURNIN’!”

As Bo rushed back into the kitchen, Woody followed. “Is that Jessie?”

The redhead was standing by the stove, holding a pan of blackened biscuits and blowing on them desperately. “They’re fine! Just gotta scrape a little off the top!” she said as she waved her oven mitted hand over the smoking tops.

Woody smirked. “You never could cook anything that didn’t involve pasta and a powdered cheese packet.”

Jessie snatched a biscuit off the pan. “I will throw this at you, Chili Boy!”

Bo clapped her hands. “All right, Boys and Girls! Let’s settle down!” Jessie dropped the biscuit. “I guess we’re going biscuit free tonight.”

“I smell smoke,” Buzz made his way into the kitchen. “Is something on fire?” He froze. “M-Miss Jessie…I had no idea…I mean…” His face turned the color of strawberries. “I didn’t know you were going to be here tonight.”

Jessie giggled, grabbing her red braid with her mitt. “Howdy Buzz.”

He smiled at her dopily. “Hiii…”

Bo coughed, hiding a smile behind her hand. “Jessie, why don’t you go and wait for dinner with Woody and Buzz? I’m sure all three of you have some catching up to do.”

“‘Catching up to do?’” Woody echoed. “I just saw Jessie yesterday…”

Bo pointed with a large slotted spoon. “Living room, Chili Boy!”

“That’s not going to be my nickname from now on is it?”

“Go socialize!”

Woody sighed and rolled his eyes playfully. Leaning over, he gave her a kiss on her cheek. “Okay. If you say so.” Then, making sure Buzz and Jessie had already left the kitchen, he gave her a quick pinch on the bottom.

She jumped, letting out a surprised squeak, then whipped around. “Woody!”

He had already beat a retreat out the door. “I’ll see you at dinner!”

–

In the living room, he found Jessie curled up on the couch next to Buzz. “It’s called beef jerky.”

Curiously, Buzz took the piece she was offering him, examining it as he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger. “And you say this is real meat?”

“It’s dehydrated.” She grabbed the jerky back. “Say ‘ah!’”

Buzz raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Uh, ah?” Jessie quickly put the jerky in his mouth.

“Don’t that taste good?”

“Um, it’s very chewy. And salty.”

With a naughty grin, Jessie leaned in close, causing Buzz’s face to become enflamed. “Know what else tastes good?”

He audibly swallowed the jerky. “M-Ma’am?”

“Call me Jessie.”

Woody coughed loudly and Jessie sprang back away from Buzz. The Ranger looked at him guiltily while she glared. “Nice timin’, Killjoy.”

Woody rolled his large brown eyes as he plopped into a recliner. “Must you two flirt in my living room?”

“We could flirt in your bedroom,” Jessie said saucily. Buzz choked.

Woody scowled at her. “Deliberately ignoring that remark, you are going to be on your best behavior tonight for Bo’s dinner?”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“I mean, she’s worked very hard and I want both of you to be nice.”

“Well, there goes my plans to paint the walls with mashed taters and have a fartin’ contest,” said Jessie. “Of course I’m goin’ be nice!”

“Must you always be so sarcastic?”

“It must run in the family,” said Buzz under his breath. Both looked at him in surprise. He straightened. “Woody, I give you my word as a Space Ranger that Jessie and I will be on our best behavior tonight.”

Woody smiled at him gratefully. “Thanks, Buzz.”

Jessie shrugged, then smiled too. “Okay, I’ll behave. For Bo. She’s…the nicest person I ever met and I don’t wanna let her down.” Her smile widened into a grin. “Gotcha yerself a real keeper there, Bro.”

Woody looked down at his fingers, knitting them back and forth as he smiled almost shyly. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Dinner’s ready!”

–

Woody placed himself on the end of the table. Bo had folded the napkins into little swans and as Jessie took a seat beside him, she picked one up.

“Fancy,” she giggled.

“Best behavior,” Woody said gently. She dropped the swan just as Bo placed a pot in the center of the table.

“I hope you all like it,” she pulled off the lid. “Garlic kale! Bon appétit!”

Woody stood up slightly so he could take a look. What was in the pot didn’t even fill it halfway. “Um, is that all there is?”

Bo frowned. “There was more, but it cooked down so quickly. I turned around and most of it was already gone.”

“Well I’m sure it’s fine. We just won’t have leftovers.” Woody grabbed a serving spoon. “Allow me, my Dear.” Scooping out the green vegetable, he placed some on each plate.

Lifting some on his fork, Woody smiled at Bo. “Well, here’s you, Sweetie. And to hundreds of more wonderful meals to come.”

“Oh Woody…”

He took a bite…and with everything in his willpower, did not spit it out. Instead, he chewed slowly, thoughtfully, and prayed he wasn’t making a face. “It’s…different.”

Next to Jessie, Buzz looked confused. “I’m unfamiliar with this Earth vegetable. Is it supposed to be this coarse?”

Jessie groaned and pushed away her plate. “I want my whiskey…”

“Jessie!”

Bo was watching their reactions with utter confusion and now she took a bite herself. Her eyes widened and she grabbed a napkin. Placing it over her small, delicate mouth, she spit the offending food out and folded the napkin over so it couldn’t be seen. “I don’t understand!” she said. “I followed the recipe! Why…why…” Her face fell into utter dejection as tears sprung to her big blue eyes.

Woody stood. Circling around her he placed his arms around her shoulders. “Hey now, it’s okay. Maybe it was a bad recipe.”

She turned to look at him. “But it seemed so simple! How could I mess it up?”

“Did you boil it?”

They looked at Buzz. “What?”

Buzz had pulled out his Smart Phone and was typing. “According to your internet, this Earth vegetable you call kale is naturally tough and does best when boiled first.”

Bo’s mouth dropped. “The recipe didn’t say anything about boiling the kale.”

“Perhaps it’s common knowledge…”

“Yeah, thanks Buzz.” Woody knelt as Bo buried her face in her hands. “Look, don’t worry about it. So it wasn’t a great first attempt. It’s not that bad…”

“I just…wanted to make sure you were healthy,” she said into her palms. “Kale is so healthy…I just thought if I could make you something good, you would…”

“Oh!” Woody wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close for a hug. “Oh Honey!” She rested her face on his shoulder, sniffling. “Okay, so I’m not much of a vegetable guy. That shouldn’t worry you.”

“Well it does.”

He smiled at her affectionately. “Tell you what. Why don’t we toss this kale mess, and then I’ll order us a pizza. It might not be the healthiest thing but…”

“Cheese, vegetable, meat, grains,” she said, smiling up at him from his shoulder. “Sounds okay to me.”

“‘Atta girl,” he touched her chin gently. “And I’ll even order one of those Caesar side salads. For me. Would that make you feel better?”

Bo jumped up as if she had been electrocuted. She threw her arms around Woody and gave him a kiss that nearly knocked him off his boots. He grinned and giggled as she planted kisses all over his face. The laugh died in his throat however as his head turned slightly to the left.

Buzz and Jessie were still at the table watching them. Jessie had her chin propped up in her hands as she smiled impishly. “What happened to ‘best behavior’, Sheriff?”

Woody waved her off. “Awww…” Bo hugged him again and he embraced her tightly, placing a kiss on the top of her bandanna’ed hair. “That’s my favorite girl…”

@jessiejanelightyear @heathinator @rain1940 @a113cowgirl @jessienevergivesup

[suckitsurveys]

Last text message received and who it was from: “You beautiful tropical fish” from Ellen in response to me wishing her a Happy Galentines Day.

Text message sent and who it was to: ^ “You sophisticated newborn baby”

Phone call: My dad yesterday, to let him know we aren’t getting the cat to bring back to our new place until tonight.

Commercial you saw: No clue.

TV show you watched: Daria.

Song you sang: That Starboy song or whatever it’s called by The Weekend?? PS: Someone should do a really cheesy AMV of that with clips from Home Movies because that’s the only thing I can think of when I hear this song.

Book you read aloud: How did I just realize this was a “last” survey? ugh.

Magazine you read: No idea.

Drink: Black tea.

Food eaten: A banana.

Website visited: Before this one, the site I use to look people up for work.

App used: Snapchat.

Thing you said: “Are you building a wall around Ron? Because that would be great.”

Outfit you wore: I’m wearing a hoodie and jeans and a tshirt and boots right now.

Boyfriend/girlfriend you had: My fiance is Mark if that is what you’re asking.

Friend you hung out with: Lydia. Well, Liz, but I don’t really think moving a heavy ass TV stand counts as hanging out.

Thing you smoked: I took a puff out of Mark’s vape the other day.

Place you went: Work.

Place you slept: My bed.

Reason you got pulled over by the police: I got pulled over when Mark used to live in Wilmington because the cops thought we were the ones setting off fucking fireworks every night once. We left the house and as we were getting in the car, a cop drove past us. Then he stopped in front of another house down the street, waited for us to pass, and then pulled us over. He had to have a reason to do it, so he took my info and when back to his car was was there for like 20 minutes and then he finally came back and said it was because of my license place light being out. Which means he was probably running my plates to see if he had a reason. Because he was very obviously WAITING for us to pass him. Anyway, he was like “oh by the way, we’ve gotten calls about you guys setting off fire works every night this week” and we were like nope definitely not us and told him it was our neighbors. He gave me a warning for my light and we were on our way.

Board game you played: Yikes. Probably Cards Against Humanity, if that counts as a board game.

Computer game you played: Uhhh.

Console game you played: Pokemon Yellow, hahaha

Card game you played: Skip-Bo.

Meal you cooked: Sloppy joes last night.

Dessert you ate: Brownies.

Alcohol you drank: Sake last night.

Movie you saw in theaters: Moana.

Movie you watched at home: In its entirety, Clerks. Mark put on Napoleon Dynamite last night to fall asleep to, so I saw a teeny bit of that.

Thing you saw on Netflix: Bob’s Burgers.

Video you watched on YouTube: GraveY4rdGirl’s Right Cup episode of “Does This Thing Really Work?”

Person you messaged on Facebook: Ellen.

Present you received: I don’t know if it’s considered a present, but Lydia gave me a bunch of stuff she wasn’t using for my apartment.

Present you bought: A bear for my niece. I’m going to get Mark beef jerky and probably some other kind of snack for Valentine’s day tonight though.

Person you kissed, non-romantically: My niece.

Person you kissed, romantically: Mark.

Person you made out with: ^

Person you had sex with: ^

Song you danced to: Oh man, I don’t remember. I was dancing in my old room when I was cleaning it the other day.

Class you took: Hahahahahaha.

Grade you got: HAHAHAHAHAHHAA.

Shoes you wore: My boots. I need to grab the rest of my shoes from my dad’s house.

Article you read: I don’t remember.

Kid you saw: That I am acquainted with? My niece.

Place you spent the night that wasn’t your own home: I guess that would be my dad’s house now.

Drug you took: Aleve.

Car you rode in: My piece of shit car whose gas gauge is broke.

Bad decision you made: I don’t know. I thought I left too late this morning because I don’t live off the expressway anymore so I have to drive like a mile to get to it now which I thought would make my commute longer. It ended up being fine and I was even able to stop for gas and make it to work on time.

Ex you saw: Probably the one I broke up with 6 years ago.

Dream you had: I remember very little about it, but Amethyst from Steven Universe was in it.

Song you heard: Starboy or whatever by The Weekend.

Holiday you celebrated: New Year’s, sort of.

Birthday you celebrated: My mom’s.

Time you got dressed up: Christmas, kinda.

Animal you saw: Our upstairs neighbor’s dog.

Meat you ate: Turkey in the sloppy joes last night.

Piece of jewelry you wore: I mean, I have on a few pieces right now: my ring, a bracelet, and 4 earrings. And a nose stud too!

Person you snuggled/cuddled with: Mark. It’s so nice sleeping next to each other instead of feet to feet like we did before on the couch.

Reason you cried: Leaving my childhood home.

Reason you last laughed: At something my coworker said.

School you attended: Wright College.

Time you went to work: Right now.

Friend you reunited with: Hmm. I guess Darlene when we wet to the Bob’s Burger’s Trivia Night. I hadn’t seen her since high school. She was a freshman when I was a senior so I don’t think we ever really even hung out in school, but she added me on Facebook a while ago and we’ve been super active on each other’s posts and I saw she was going to the event so we decided to be on each other’s team.

Nickname someone called you: My coworker called me Hannah Conda a few minutes ago.

Notification you received on Facebook: Mark’s friend Zhaleh commented on a comment I left on her post.

Type of weather you hate: COLD.

Reason you went to the hospital: I drove my dad there when he sliced his finger on a hedge trimmer in the summer.

Article of clothing you purchased: MY WEDDING DRESS. Which reminds me, I should call them and figure out where it is because it’s not giving me a tracking number and it should be at the store this week.

Photo you uploaded to Facebook or Instagram: I posted a picture of Leslie Knope with the words “Happy Galentine’s Day” on it earlier today.

Email you sent: A reply to someone saying their request was complete. (work shit)

Album you downloaded/bought: Oh man, good question.

[jackfollmanwriter-blog]

Out of State

Your first year of college is supposed to be a coming of age story. Meet new people. Make new friends. Learn things that change your perspective on the world. Drink. Study. Fuck. Not me.

I spent the majority of my first year of college lying in bed in my dead grandmother's house sleeping, eating horrible food, beating off to Internet porn and skipping class while a black cloud of fear, anxiety and growing social anxiety seeped into my being like fog off a dark bay.

The first mistake I made was following my father's advice of moving into my freshly-deceased grandmother's house instead of the freshman dorms to save money. My parents agreed to pay the astronomical out of state tuition, the least I could do was accommodate by living in my grandma's dusty old house which still smelled like her nine months after her passing.

I had a lot of reasons not to complain. My grandma's house was fairly large, within walking distance of the school and the beach. Had I not been petrified of the place my entire life, it could have been a dream come true.

I spent most Christmas breaks of my formative years at my grandma's house in Santa Cruz, but no matter how times I stayed there, I never shook an unnerving fear of the place. One of those typical grandparent houses that hadn't changed a lick since the 50s, the place was just a completely alien environment for a little kid raised in a brand new house. It was one of those old homes that seemed to have a personality itself. Every step made a sound. It had its own scent. The lighting was dim. The artwork dated and eerie - filled with portraits of long-dead relatives. I never seemed to be able to sleep all the way through the night there.

Plus, my grandpa was a simply frightening dude who I never had a single real conversation with in the 15 years we shared on this planet. All I knew about him was he was well-decorated in the Pacific theater in World War II, he worked the night shift at some kind of factory, he slept (a lot), he liked McCormick whiskey (a lot) and I found out down the road he wasn't my biological grandpa.

The most-terrifying moment of my life occurred when I was nine. I was watching late-night TV in the living room because I couldn't sleep and he snuck up behind me. I can still picture him walking into the doorway of the living room stark naked – hairy with a pale blue skin tone. He didn't say a word, just walked up next to me and shut the TV off.

But back to what I was talking about...

Come September, I packed up my Chevy Malibu and drove down to Santa Cruz from my parents' home in suburban Portland to move into my grandma's house and start my first semester of college. I should have been stoked as an 18-year-old with his own three-bedroom house right off of campus about to start his first year at a killer school, but I was far from. I was leaving behind my brand new girlfriend back at home, my dog, and I was still terrified of my grandma's house. I tried to pull out of the whole out-of-state college thing just a few weeks before the semester started, but my parents convinced me to stick it out and set me up with a therapist to meet with weekly when I arrived to help me through it.

Things got off to a rocky start when I showed up. I couldn't get a good night's sleep in the house for the life of me and not just because the place freaked me out. Apparently crickets invaded the house while it was empty all summer and were almost impossible to get rid of. Their horrible chirping was perpetual once it got dark and the local exterminators were 0-3 thus far with trying to get rid of them.

Also, college was nothing like I thought it would be. One, it was a mountain of work. Two, everyone at my school was a crunchy hippy who I felt judged me on everything from the beef jerky I ate between classes, to my Nikes, to my Oregon Ducks football shirt.

I instantly became a loner. Just walked to and from classes and the store to occasionally pick up food and then locked myself back into the gloomy dim light of my grandma's house.

The days turned into a rhythm. Wake up late for class. Porn. Quick shower. Force feed. Fast walk to class. Get in five minutes late. Eat depressing lunch by self at the fountain in the quad. Go to other classes. Walk home. Porn. Frozen dinner. Porn. Seinfeld. Sleep. Again.

Until it started happening about a month into the semester...

She came.

The only light in the room beamed upon my face from the computer perched on my stomach. The screen broadcast a short film which gave me a deep feeling of shame in my gut knowing this was all taking place in my mom's childhood bedroom. But hell, I was an 18-year-old boy, what do you expect me to do?

I was right in the middle of things when the blanket flew off of my body, leaving me completely exposed in the night. I threw my laptop to the floor without caution and jumped up in the bed to see the blanket  lying crumpled on the floor in the blue light of the computer screen.

Was there a gust of wind? No. All the windows were closed. The coastal sea air made it chilly on the October nights. There was no way that blanket could have flown off me the way it did unless it was pulled off by someone else.

I laid there, panicked and panting with my eyes glued to the laptop, coated in embarrassed sweat.

I felt the presence of a new weight introduce itself to the foot of the bed.

The dark and the adrenaline of shock and blush clouded my vision, but I could see a presence approach me from the foot of the bed. Sleek, slender and soft, I saw the hazy outline of a red-haired woman crawling up the bed at me. She slipped up my legs until she was rested her soft weight upon my wilted lap.

From a closer vantage, I could see the woman's face though it was still cloudy, as if she wasn't fully there. I closed my eyes tight as she pushed her face to my mine and kissed me softly upon the lips.

I opened my eyes once I felt her's push away from me. I saw the woman sitting on the end of the bed, her back facing me, shuddering with muffled sobs.

I pushed myself up against the headboard as much as I could and closed my eyes again.

I stayed up at the top of the bed, tucked up and frightened for hours until I felt the weight of the woman get up off of the bed and leave the room. Injected with a faint amount of relief, I uncoiled my body and relaxed, lying naked on the bed, wide awake until the morning came.

*

It's funny how the shining warmth and light of a burning ball of gas millions of miles away can provide so much comfort to your fears. The glow of the sunny day which greeted me when I walked outside to go to class soothed the troubles of the crazy night before.

My classes and lunch went by in the same quiet, dull, depressing way they usually did, but instead of rushing back to my grandma's house to drift away the night in seclusion, I was reluctant to go back. I hung around campus after my last class not knowing what to do. I considered calling my parents. But what was I going to say.

Hey mom and dad. I have to come home because grandma's house is haunted by the ghost of a hot young woman?

There was no way I could do that. Unfortunately by the time I decided on this, the Fall sun had set on the Pacific and the only place I had to go was back to the house where the aforementioned sexy ghost was.

I at least had a juvenile strategy. I heard about a mini-mart just off of campus known for selling beer to underage students and figured I could make a stop there to see if I could buy some of the world's oldest cure for fear and anxiety.

The rumors were true, but I made the grave mistake of purchasing two forties of Steel Reserve. I figured I should skip the usual Bud or Coors Light I would get and buy something I assume a person of age would buy with the four dollars and change I had in my wallet as not to draw suspicion. I sat in the backyard of my house forcing down the malt liquor and wincing in disgust.

The alcohol started to kick in about halfway through the second 40. The tension and fatigue from not sleeping last night smoothly started to melt away and the booze pumping through my veins made me a little bit bolder. Was I seriously scared of a female ghost? I could tell I was sufficiently drunk when I started to think to myself the ghost was really attractive and I almost hoped she would come back again.

I poured out the rest of the second 40 onto the grass and headed inside.

Even my blood alcohol level couldn't fully numb the uneasy feeling the house gave me. The chirping of a lone cricket and the presence of a half-full glass of red wine upon the kitchen counter when I walked in shot me with a jolt of sobriety.

A closer look at the glass revealed the faint hint of red lipstick stuck upon the top rim of the thin glass. A wave of cold fear overtook the warm glow of alcohol inside me.

I heard sounds of a shower running coming from the hallway which led back to the bedroom.

I thought about running back out the door, but stumbled towards the sounds of the shower, following a trail of women's clothing strewn upon the carpet. I bit down upon my cheek when I walked into the dark hallway and full absorbed the sounds of the spraying water in the bathroom.

The door to bathroom was open just crack, releasing moisture and the scent of fruity body wash into the air. I stood outside the door for a handful of moments, chewing my fingernails.

I took a deep breath and went in.

Her silhouette was there in the fogged-up, pebbled glass of the shower. Her back to me, I admired and feared her form at the same time for a few moments before I slipped back out of the room.

So drunk and so tired, I felt as if I almost melted into the bed when I collapsed upon it. I wasted no time undressing, brushing my teeth or conducting any other pre-bed time rituals, just laid down and let sleep take over me until my mind was thankfully blank.

*

The problem with an booze nap is once the alcohol wears off, you are left wide awake, sweating and starting a hangover in the middle of the night.

My eyes opened wide in the dark to reveal an alarm clock which announced the time as 1 AM and a window pelted heavy with thick rain and a stiff wind. Waking up almost immediately sent the tortorous surge of a raging, dehydration headache onto my skull. It quickly felt as if my brain was shrinking inside my head. I wanted to vomit.

I went to crawl out of bed towards the bathroom, but was halted by the feeling of a stir in the bedside at my back. I felt it again. A light shifting accompanied by the sound of a sigh.

I froze at the edge of the bed. I was too hungover and groggy for this shit but had to get up off the bed to shoot a look.

She lied there sleeping in the bed right next to where I had messed up the covers. Her long, thin arms draped over a naked body of golden skin and long auburn hair. The sight was something I probably usually would have liked to see, but not under these circumstances.

My answer to the problem? Go to the bathroom. Barf my guts out. Go out and sleep on the living room couch.

*

Thank God I had an appointment with my therapist the next morning. I usually dreaded our little parent-forced sessions, but I truly needed to talk to someone at that moment in time, or I might officially lose the last of the marbles I was grasping.

It was a while in the session before I broached the topic, but a back-and-forth about the consequences of my solidarity provided a nice, defensive segway.

"So how often do you interact with other people, on average?" My therapist asked from behind thick glasses and a clumsy plume of grey hair which tickled down at her eyes.

"At least a few times a day," I said in a tone I'm sure could not have sounded more defensive.

"I mean, true human interaction. Conversation. Feeling. Touch. Not just a please, thank you with the clerk at the store, an 'is that seat open?' From a classmate."

"Uh, I don't really know."

"I know it might seem hard, but I think you need to make an effort to include more interaction in your life. I understand it's not easy."

"I don't think you truly understand what I'm going through?"

"I think you're right. You haven't been overly forthcoming with exactly what has been troubling you."

"I'm haunted."

I couldn't believe I outright said it. I immediately swallowed my tongue.

"What are you haunted by?"

I waited a long time to respond.

"A girl."

"An ex-girlfriend? Your mom mentioned you left a girlfriend up in Oregon, but you broke up. Classmate who spurned you?"

"No. I have no idea who she is."

"So it's the idea of a girl?"

"NO. IT'S A FUCKING GHOST. A FUCKING GIRL GHOST IN MY GRANDMA'S FUCKING HAUNTED HOUSE."

My face was bright red, my hands trembling.

"You think the house you're living in is haunted?"

"Uh huh."

My therapist thought about it for a few moments.

"You know sometimes when people are isolated, don't have much interaction, they begin to invent characters in their head. It's how a lonely child before they attend school with other children might invent an imaginary friend. Our brains crave other characters in the little play taking place in our head."

"It's not an imaginary friend. This is what why I didn't want to bring up my true problems."

I watched her jot down something on her notepad.

"And I know what your thinking. I'm not crazy."

"Look, I'm only trying to help, but if you aren't willing to work with me, there isn't really anything I can do."

"Well, okay."

I got up out of my seat.

"I'll be on my way then."

I nodded at my therapist before I headed out the door.

A walk on the soggy beach sounded like a good way to calm my nerves. I shouldn't have brought up the ghost. The therapist was probably going to report to my parents I was going schizo or some shit and  I was going to get shipped off to some kind of crazy house with a bunch of weirdos.

The light rain thankfully mostly cleared the beach and I was left alone with my own troubles as I traversed the thick sand until I reached the boardwalk and ran into an old friend. The scent of freshly-burned marijuana.

My eyes instinctively followed the scent to a smoke trail which trickled below the boardwalk.

Clustered under the cover of the boardwalk was a group of about six or seven vaguely-familiar flunkies all clad in dark sweatshirts and jackets.

"Don't be starring unless you want to hit this," a bearded-member of the group interrupted my starring.

I blushed and put my head down for a moment, but eventually headed over to the cloud of smoke and was greeted with a chorus of laughter.

"That's what I thought," the bearded guy said with excitement.

I joined the group and took a hit before passing it to a girl with a shaved head and long eyelashes in a camo jacket.

The townies had some really good weed, not a huge surprise in Northern California. It hit me like a freight train after a few more passes of the pipe.

The group had been talking about a nice little "kick back" the entire time I was with them. Based on the steady eye contact they all kept making with me, I figured I was invited to said "kick back."

Not surprisingly, their sweet "kick back" consisted of sitting around someone's mom's dog shit-infested backyard in the run down part of town, smoking more weed, drinking some cheap beer and listening to the bearded guy play a ratty old Epiphone acoustic guitar (poorly) and cover Pink Floyd and Bob Marley songs (also poorly). The only thing that kept me around the gathering into the night was the conversation between me and the girl with the shaved head whose name I discovered was Loralei.

Loralei made it clear she lacked respect for me since I was enrolled at UCSC. The townies hated the disrespectful rich kids (especially the out-of-state ones) they believed made up the student body. However, she respected my mutual distaste for my colleagues. She also said she liked my accidental, lazy style. I had been reduced to wearing my dead step-grandpa's slacks, smoking jackets and never combing my longish hair out of pure laziness and only Loralei's fondness for my attire made me realize my get up actually probably made me look like some kind of aloof indie rocker.

The two of us slipped away from the group and a tone deaf version of Redemption Song to have a quieter conversation on the steps of the house where we could hear the sounds of someone's mom hacking smokes and watching Wheel of Fortune.

"This shit's pretty disappointing, isn't it?" Loralei asked.

I was so high, I could barely speak, but managed.

"It's better than what I usually do here, I guess."

"What's that?"

"Lay around my house by myself. Sometimes buy some beer and get a little messed up."

"Doesn't sound that bad, you have your own house? I thought you said you were a freshman here? Shouldn't you be in the dorms?"

"My family has a house in town, I'm staying there."

"Then let's go there. This shit is boring. I do this everyday."

Loralei was interrupted by the bearded guy, guitar in hand. I was alarmed to turn and see his eyes intensely glued to mine.

"Hey bro. Can I ask you something real quick?" He said and sent a nod in the direction of a quiet corner of the yard.

"Uh, yeah, yeah," I agreed with fear bubbling in my stomach.

The bearded guy (I still didn't know his name) got really nervous and jittery once we reached the secluded patch of grass in the corner. He could barely focus, but eventually started talking with his eyes on the ground.

"Uh, I have a question for you man."

"Okay."

"You think you are better than us just because you go to that fucking school?"

"What?"

"Are you trying to come in here and take our girls?"

I gave the guy a long, confused stare.

"Uh, no, sorry man," I said in the same way you would say to a homeless  person who asks you if you have a quarter. "I mainly just want to leave now."

The bearded guy didn't say another word. Just stared at me for a few moments before walking back towards the fire.

The whole interaction shook me up. I was instantly no longer comfortable in the situation I should have never been comfortable in to begin with.

I saw an opening in the fence next to me and slipped out onto the sidewalk.

I started off towards the better part of town and my home in a clumsy gait, tranquilized by the weed which was still bogging down my system.

"Wait. Wait," I heard Loralei's voice call out from behind me.

I turned to see her run up to me in the streetlight.

"What are you doing?"

"It was getting just a little too weird for me in there."

"Yeah, I know. It's weird. But you still want to hang out?"

*

Loralei and I locked arms about halfway through the 20 minute walk to my grandma's house. The touch of another felt so refreshing to my tortured body. I think it had been a couple months since I had enjoyed the true touch of another person.

I was a little bit scared of what Loralei might think when she came into my grandma's old school house and saw all the quilts, glass elephants and family portraits from the 80s, but I figured if she was used to the scene we just ditched, she wouldn't bat an eye. I let her in behind me. My brain raced with the usual fears you have when you have someone over unexpectedly. Did I flush the toilet? Is there porn pulled up on my laptop? Is my dirty underwear lying on the floor?

All my fears evaporated when Loralei grabbed me in the dark room and kissed me. She pulled me close and we stumbled over to the stale couch where she fell on top of me.

She covered my mouth and started unbuttoning her jacket. My heart began to race in a good way for the first time in quite a while. I started to take my clothes off while I admired Loralei. I was so excited I almost didn't know what to do.

I think she could sense my nervousness. She leaned down, bare-chested and we made out for what seemed like quite a long time. It had been so long for me and I was so high I thought we might have made out for an hour when we finally pulled away from each and gasped for air. I smiled at her and tried to catch my breath.

I was going to say something sweet, but something I saw out of the corner of my eye caused me to bite upon my tongue and quiver in pain.

Sprinting down the hallway with a lit candlestick in hand was my ghost, her dark hair whipping in her front of her face in her full dash, her speed nearly extinguishing the candle in her hand.

"Holy shit," I yelled out.

Loralei's eyes transformed from sensual to horrified in a flash. I tried to scramble out from under her, but wasn't fast enough.

The lighted candlestick flew into her head, fell down her jacket and landed on a quilt on the couch next to us, quickly igniting it.

"What the fuck?" Loralei screamed out.

I saw Loralei lifted up off of me by the back of her head. She squirmed before shaking away and tumbling to the floor.

I saw my ghost in as good of a focus as ever in the light the rising fire of the quilt provided. Her dark eyes glared at me from across the couch before she turned her attention back to Loralei.

The ghost chased Loralei to the front door. As soon as she left a gap between her and the hallway, I bolted and scrambled into the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen, I took a turn for the bedroom. There was a lock on the door. There was a lock on the door. I kept repeating to myself.

I burst into the bedroom, locked the door and ran into a big closet in the corner. There's another lock on the closet.

I slapped in the lock in the closet, tucked myself behind a collection of hanging heavy coats which still smelled like my grandma's stinky perfume and held my breath, waiting for the sounds of footsteps to approach the door.

But they didn't.

I stayed quarantined in the closet for what must have been hours. I wondered if I would see daylight when I finally took a deep breath, unlocked the latch and headed back out into the master bedroom.

It wasn't quite light in the room yet, but the blue aura coming from the bedroom window meant dawn was just greeting the world. I tiptoed in the shallow light over to my bed where I hoped to grab a couple of hours before the full stroke of morning but was greeted by a hand-written note placed upon my pillow.

Written in blank ink cursive, I felt just a touch of moisture upon the paper when I picked it up and read it.

It's okay if you don't want to be with me.

*

Weeks went by without another appearance from my ghost. The only thing left of her were the burns on my grandma's old quilt in the living room.

I myself actually slipped into becoming more and more of a ghost. I never went to campus. Was failing all of my classes. The only time I left the house consistently was to go to my therapist so she wouldn't tip off my parents about my falling apart and when I did, I played the part of the sane guy who was putting it back together. Never brought up any ghosts with beautiful faces.

I couldn't even really talk about my ghost anyway. She left me. I passed the days alone in my dark grandma house strangely missing my supernatural partner. Would she ever come back?

It seemed for those dark weeks, the answer would be no, but then I received a message from a  number I had never seen before.

The call came early in the morning (I was sleeping again, a lot actually) from a number I didn't recognize. Being it before seven in the morning and a number I didn't recall, I figured it was phone spam and went right back to sleep.

When I awoke a few hours later, I discovered a new voicemail connected to the missed call. When I hit play, I heard a voice I instantly recognized, but couldn't place where I had heard it at the same time.

Hi James. Last night was great. I hope we can do it again. Bye. Bye.

I played the message again and again and again, trying to figure out where the hell I knew the voice from, but still couldn't place it.

I thought a shower might help clear my mind but I shocked myself when I got off the bed and onto my feet. Lying on the floor, next to the bed was an empty condom wrapper, a rose petal and another note in the same penmanship of the one I had read weeks before.

See you tonight. ♥♥

*

The shower did nothing to help. The hot water cooked my troubled mind until I got out and slowly started to work my way to a resolution: I was going to embrace this thing.

My life was a hideous shamble. So why not have company? Even if it is dead company. I shaved (everywhere), combed my hair, put on a proper outfit for the first time in months and popped open a bottle of red wine I found in the cupboard that had probably been in there for years.

I took a seat on the uncomfortable couch in the living room, sipped on my vintage 2014 merlot and waited for my mystery guest to arrive - my eyes glued to the front yard outside the living window, my ears tuned to every little sound in the house. I had no idea from where she would come.

I would sit in that stale room with the stuck-together ribbon candy and Yankee candles, sipping my merlot until the bottle was almost finished and the sun began to set. No one arrived throughout the day, except for a postman who walked up to the door and avoided eye contact with the entire time.

*

I awoke on the couch to the sounds of a rumbling engine, which like that voice on my phone, was familiar, but still alien at the same time.

I opened my eyes and saw tall headlights burning through the open blinds of the living room window. I squinted, my head throbbing from the forming hangover, I faintly saw the outlines of a few people walking up from the driveway towards the front door.

I tried to scramble to my feet, but fell to the floor in the middle of the room and couldn't get back up. I was glued to the floor.

The footsteps were at the door now. Shit, I couldn't remember if I had locked it.

I heard the door handle turn. Okay, I definitely didn't lock it.

The door opened and the first person I saw walk through was not who I expected. It was not some kind of sultry, haunting figure vaguely familiar to my addled brain. It was someone I knew far too well.

My dad.

He was followed by another person deeply ingrained in my memory.

My mom.

They walked in together with one more person trailing them who was more in the hazy realm of my brain.

The ghost. Her scorching eyes burned into me once she walked into the room.

"Why the hell are you here?" I screamed up at them.

"James, you know why were are here," my said with tears in his eyes.

I watched my dad pull out a pipe and a small baggy out of his jacket pocket. He pushed the items down in my face.

"We already took these from the backyard."

*                                                                                                                                                                                        

I was addicted to heroin. It was as simple as that, yet not quite as simple as that at the same time.

I wasn't even fully aware I was addicted to heroin at the time I was in so deep. I smoked the stuff multiple times a day in the backyard and started the bad habit back in Oregon months before I moved  down to Santa Cruz. So by the time I showed up there, my brain was an unreliable fog of hazy addiction.

The "ghost" I was seeing was actually my ex-girlfriend Tory. I had been ignoring her texts and calls, deleted her from my phone and Facebook contacts and she was desperately trying to connecting with me, knew of my addiction and was trying to get me back to normal before my parents found out. I had only started dating her after my addiction had started so my strung out memory and hazy vision inside the dark house clouded her in my mind. She was going to school up at Humboldt State so she could only do the long drive to Santa Cruz periodically for short periods of time to try and rescue me in the night and then would have to get back on the road in the early morning to keep her own education from falling apart.

After seeing how bad I was, she eventually caved and told my parents. They immediately jumped on a flight and came down to have an intervention with me.

Now I am far, far from my grandma's supposedly haunted house in a rehab facility somewhere on the Oregon Coast wearing a white robe, sipping coffee all day, taking up smoking and watching country music videos on TV (for some reason that's all they watch here). It fucking sucks.

I sit in my white little room, with my born again roommate always telling me something about Corinthians or John 3:16 or some shit I have to tune out just wishing someone would actually haunt me.

Preferably someone sexy please.

Originally published by Thought Catalog on www.ThoughtCatalog.com.

[mnranger5]

April’s Triple F - Food , Family & Fishing

April 2017 has been busy. So busy I’ve only found the time for one blog entry.  That changes today!  

Although it’s been wet, April has given us some pretty decent temperatures for spring.  With the warmer weather, we’ve come out of our hibernation and enjoyed the weather with some fun cooks on the green egg. We’ve done burgers, beef jerky, Asian inspired (ginger sesame) boneless wings and pulled beef sliders.  

The jerky turned out decent, but could have used a little more kick.  I also used sirloin steak for this cook when I think a roast may have been more ideal.  

The slices of steak were thin, and when dried out, shrunk up into some really tiny pieces – less than bite size.  A sirloin roast would have allowed for a wider cut of meat, which I think makes the eating experience a little more enjoyable.

The pulled beef sliders ended up being decent, but the cook itself was greatly underestimated in terms of time to completion.  Here is the backstory on that:  Aidan and I were sitting around on a Saturday morning getting inspired through Green Egg cooks on YouTube.  We came across a pulled beef recipe which was similar to a recipe that was in the Big Green Egg Recipe Book given to us by Alissa and Jeff at Christmas.  The sliders looked great, so we decided we’d make those for lunch. First step was procuring some beef, so we headed up to Hy-Vee for a couple of chuck roasts.  

After letting the roasts marinade in my dad’s famous prime rib marinade, we seasoned it heavily with Factor salt.  By this point, CJ had joined us for the cook which we let slow roast at 250 degrees for 3 hours with some hickory added for smoke.  

After three hours, the meat temp was nearing 160 degrees, so we foiled the roasts and placed them back on the smoker for an hour. The recipe called for the roasts to get to 200 degrees in this time.  We were only at 165.  It was 2:00, and these roasts had been on for four hours.  For better or worse, intense hunger drove our next actions.  We decided we’d pop the foiled roasts into the oven and finish them off at a higher temp – 400 degrees.  Within an hour, the meat temp had risen to 190 degrees. We were within striking distance, or so we thought.  We carved off an edge of the roast to taste, and while the flavor was spot on, the meat had the consistency of rubber.  It was inedible.  CJ and I could not believe it.  We were five hours into the cook, just 10 degrees shy of our target temperature, and the meat was awful.  What had we done wrong?  We followed the directions, step by step.  The meat should be almost falling apart, like pot roast consistency.  We concluded that we should have never put it in the 400 degree oven but rather let it slow roast up to 200 degrees while sitting in the smoker. The only way we thought to salvage the cook was to decrease the oven temp down to 250 degrees and let the roast slowly come up from 190 to 200.  Two hours later, we hit 200 degrees.  That is 7 hours of cook time for two smaller’ish chuck roasts (neither was over 2.5lbs).  Never in my wildest imagination did I think it would take that long.  But, the consistency was finally there.   

After the cook , I did some research on the breaking down of meats and found the following:

These tough cuts of meat contain large amounts of collagen which require long cooking times to break down into a rich gelatin.  When you cook, collagen begins to melt at about 160F and turns to a rich liquid, gelatin. This gives meat a lot of flavor and a wonderful silky texture. When cooking it is important to liquify collagen.

Our breakdown in the cook is that the collagen had not even started breaking down before we foiled the meat.  The collagen began melting once in the foil on the Egg (for an hour) at 250 degrees, as well as in the oven at 400 degrees.  The issue with the oven is that while the high temp in the oven did bring the meat up to the desired temperature, it did so much too quickly.  The collagens do not just break down all at once, but rather slowly (sometimes painfully slowly) breakdown over time.  So that was our big mistake.  And we only made that mistake because we were hungry – we wanted to eat!  The moral of the story, never let hunger in the middle of a cook dictate cooking times.

The following day, CJ put the shredded beef in his eggs, and Dyan and I made shredded beef tacos.

Our best cook of the month I unfortunately did not get many good pictures of.  But it was delicious!  Tony, Denise, and CJ came over for some Asian inspired boneless wings.  Tony is a huge fan of sesame and ginger marinade, so I whipped together a concoction that includes soy sauce, oyster sauce, siracha, brown sugar, liquid smoke and a couple of other ingredients.  

We marinated boneless chicken thighs overnight and tossed them on the 600-degree Egg searing them for about 7 minutes on each side.  The cook didn’t take long and the chicken charred up beautifully.  

The chicken was served with with corn on the cob and Dyan roasted potatoes.  Tt was an absolute hit!  Even Dyan and Denise thought they were amazing.  I have come judge a cook by how much the girls eat!

One last cook we did was just a regular burger evening on the Egg.  Tony and I added some pecan chips for some added flavor. The burgers were phenomenal, and Denise even said it was the best burger she ever had!  After the cook, the girls went to a party while Tony and I hung around the house with the kids.  While watching a movie, there was an extremely loud cracking and crashing bang that came from outside.  It was so loud; the entire house shook.  The tv and lights turned off momentarily.   Tony and I jumped about a foot off the couch, looking at each other like “What the hell was that?”  I looked out the sliding glass backdoor and all was calm in the neighborhood, like nothing had just happened.  Dark clouds were off in the distance.  It had to have been lightening!  But it made no sense, the storm was still 15 miles west of us.  And, it really wasn’t even a big storm.  I pulled up the radar and the storm colors were yellow and a touch of orange.  The kids were freaked as they hollered out from upstairs, “What was that?!?”  They quickly returned to playing their game though.

Tony and I returned to the movie.  About five minutes later, there was emergency vehicle sirens in the distance.  The sirens were getting closer, and closer. Pretty soon, it was obvious, the sirens were in the neighborhood.  Two AVPD Explorers pulled up in front of the house, closely followed by a couple of AVFD trucks.  

The lightening had struck directly across the street from us behind our neighbor’s house.   In classic rubbernecking fashion, Tony and I walked into the neighbor’s back yard to join the police officers and firemen.  

Sure enough, lightning had struck a tall poplar tree.  The lightning moved through (down) the tree striking the ground a couple of feet from the tree.  The strike left a 2-foot-deep hole in the ground and shattered an irrigation system pipe. 

Water was gushing from the deep hole. The impact of the lightning was so great, there were pieces of sod thrown all over the yard and into the tree. It was an amazing sight to see!  

April has been quite a bit more interesting than just Big Green Egg cooks and neighborhood lightning strikes too.  The Easter Bunny visited for one.  

And, we decided to forgo Easter dresses this year for a more casual preppy look!

Dyan also got supper artsy/craftsy with them and made slime!  They let me sleep in that morning...Thank God.

April also marks Ashlynn’s first competition dance performance.  

Her team received Gold awards for “Ready for a Miracle” and “Children of the Sun” routines, and then received Platinum, the highest award possible, for their dance to “Powerful.”  Ashlynn was also asked by her studio to accept the award for “Ready for a Miracle” which was really cool because it was her very first dance at the competitive level.

The month of April has been good to our family as well.  My parents spent a blissful week soaking up the sun in Hawaii.  

For their birthday present, we got them a gift certificate for dinner at Ruth Chris on the Big Island.  

Alissa and Jeff also had some fun experiences this spring.  

Skiing in summertime weather and getting up close to the rooster tail at the dam.

For the first time in 4 years, it was looking like April was going to go down as a non-fishing month for me.  We’ve been so busy that fishing has been put on a back burner this month.  However, Mike kept my streak alive by taking me out fishing in his brand new Nitro on Friday, 4/28/17.  

We met at Carl’s Lake at 5PM and headed over to the eastern side looking for crappies. Mike had been on this spot earlier in the week  and caught dozens and dozens of crappies – from the sounds of it he was hooking a fish on every cast.  We trolled around the point in about 7 FOW without getting bit.   Mike moved us into deeper water, around 10 feet.  

As we trolled northward, in the deeper water, Mike began picking up bites.  The bites were coming on the fall.  I don’t recall, but we were using either a 1/16th or 1/32nd oz. black jig head with a 2” white and red skirted tube jig.

Then the bites turned into catches.  Mike hauled in 10 fish before I finally got my first one.  A tiny little tater chip, but still, my first fish of the year!

We hung around the northeast part of the lake picking up about 20 crappie and a couple bluegill before we decided into the northern bay looking for warmer water. The only fish we found was this little pike that crushed my bait and gave me a fun ride on my light tackle setup.

As the sun went down, the temps got pretty cool, so we packed up and headed home.