#one time someone asked me what emotion i most associate with myself. and the answer is grief. i am always grieving something or someone.

[bodysnatch3r]

what veilguard is doing with the theme of grief... man. dragon age has always been, one way or another, about grief. how you can never go back. how you could go back, but it will never be the same. you must learn to be-with (in the heideggeran sense, as in "each one exists in a world saturated with others linked through shared social practices") grief in order to make it out alive.

as the warden, you lose everything you ever knew before: your family, your home, your friends, everything. it is all still there–except, maybe for cousland and aeducan–but you can never return to it. not as you were, and not as it was. you have been changed, and your past has changed with you.

as hawke, you are a refugeee. your very name is synonymous with grief. you claw your way out of a dying country only to find a dying city instead. all of your friends should be dead but aren't. you should be dead but aren't. whatever you do, you will fail. there is no returning to ferelden. there is no saving kirkwall.

with inquisition, because your character backstory is so much less defined (in-game, at least), the theme of grief is expanded towards the rest of the world. the theme shifts from being personal to global, the grief theme becoming intertwined with greater, historical questions. what does it mean to grieve empire? what does it mean to grieve a system that was, even if it hurt so many?

and, from what i've seen so far, veilguard is bringing that theme forward and honing it into a thematic spear. every quest, every companion, every npc story you follow. all of it is building together to try and answer the questions the previous three games have been asking:

can you go back? should you go back? is it healthy to want to go back? what can you do, when "back" is gone, a dream from a lifetime, a memory, a thousand years ago?

your brother is dead. can you mourn him? your grandmother is dead. can you mourn her? your mother is a refugee who did the best she could and it still wasn't enough. can you mourn what could have been? can you mourn your city? your purpose, when all you were was built to die and you didn't? can you face death singing? you have to. the blight can be soothed but not beaten. the veil cannot be taken back, a thousand years of elven deaths and mage deaths cannot be taken back. there is no other way but through.

[ectoentity]

Ectoplasm Gives You Wings 0.?

Hey here's a scene that happened long before Danny showed up have fun

Here is the subscription post

Need to know concept:

When you're in a world where wings are associated with ghosts, you're gonna assume that coming back from the dead with wings means you have some unfinished business. Harley Quinn POV.

Ever since Joker died, Harley expected his killer would come after her. She hadn't been with him for a couple years, but that hardly made up for the shit she'd done while they were together. Really the only surprise was that they hadn’t killed her first as a warning to him.

So when she walked into her apartment kitchen to see a guy with huge wings wearing a red helmet, Harley wasn’t terribly surprised. Not about the break-in or the gun pointed at her, at least.

"How'd'ya manage to fit those things in here?" she asked. The guy didn't answer. The wings flexed like he wanted to open them, but there wasn't any room.

"Harley," the Red Hood said, sounding very intimidating with some kind of voice modulation. "You know why I’m here."

"I can make a guess, big guy," Harley said sadly. "Nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"You let it happen. You helped him. Why should you escape justice?"

"I did my time for most of it. And I spent the last couple a years trying to put him in the ground. That doesn't fit into your equation somehow?" She tried edging slowly to a shelf where she had a gun of her own. Red Hood noticed. He stepped forward and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt.

"Did any of that bring back the innocent people you killed? The children you tortured?"

"Woah, woah, woah, time out. I never did anything like that to kids." Harley held her hands up in a T shape above Red Hood's fist. "I did some awful stuff I ain't proud of, but I never tortured kids."

"You didn't seem to care that he did."

Harley sighed and lowered her hands onto Red Hood's arm and tried to look into the eyes of his weird helmet. "What do you expect to happen here? You want me to beg until you feel satisfied? Sorry, buddy. Not really my style! I don't like a lotta what I did back then, but I can't fix it. I'm trying better now. If that's not good enough for ya, that's too bad."

The Red Hood didn't move for a moment. It was kind of creepy, if Harley was honest. He didn't say anything, he didn't twitch. Was the guy even breathing? It was always hard to talk to someone in a full face mask. There was no way to tell whether they were even listening. Contrary to popular belief, Harley didn't talk just to hear her own voice! Not often, at least.

The hand let go of her shirt. Harley pulled back to regain her balance, but she didn't relax just yet. There was still a big murderous birdman with a gun in her apartment. Even if he wasn't about to shoot her just now, he was still dangerous.

"Fucking hell," the guy said. He seemed to stagger backwards until one of his wings clipped the half-wall separating the kitchen from the living room. Then he leaned against the pillar heavily.

"Shit. You're right. This is pointless. Why am I here?"

Harley took her chance to grab her gun just in case, but Red Hood didn't seem to notice. She stared at him with suspicious, narrowed eyes. "Do you mean here in my apartment, or are you really having an existential crisis right now?"

"I'm not having a- Fuck. I guess I am." He held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Harls."

Well, that was an unusual nickname. It wasn't something she heard much outside of kids from the Bowery or Narrows. Most other kids in Gotham got swept up by their parents before they could talk to her.

"You lose somebody?" she asked softly, gun tucked in her pocket. "Sibling? A kid?"

Red Hood choked out a bitter laugh. "Myself." When Harley's eyebrows did a wild semaphore of emotion, the asshole deigned to explain. "He killed me. I... I came back. Figured, y'know, I must've been brought back for a reason, right?" He sunk down further against the pillar, the white tips of his mostly-black wings spreading across the floor like the fabric of a cape.

Damn, Harley thought. That made a fucked up amount of sense. "I can't really blame you for thinking that," she admitted. "The feathers a new fashion choice then?"

"You could say that. Shit." Red Hood reached up to the bottom of his helmet and depressed some trigger there. Harley heard a hiss of pressurization before it popped off the guy's head. The first thing she saw was black hair. That wasn't surprising. The surprising thing was when he leaned his head back against the pillar, revealing a young face and a shock of white hair in his bangs. Then he opened his eyes, and they were as blue as the sky.

"Hey kid? What did you say your name was?"

He took a devastatingly long time to respond.

"They called me Robin, once."

[elsinore-and-inverness]

Content Warning: Neil Gaiman

Processing. Likely excessively centring myself in this post but I’m processing. Not the fact that someone who wrote books I like is a rapist, but the random amount of proximity I’ve had to this rapist.

Neil Gaiman visited my school when I was twelve. A notion that now fills me with horror. I’ve told the story many times. How he was bored of us. How he hated our questions. We asked really good questions like ��Can I have your cat?’ and ‘Do you like pie?’ He all but sneered at us. We were twelve. We were insulted and slighted, some of us felt hurt and some of us thought it was funny. 

We were required to wear dark clothes that day, black if possible. Even at the time this struck me as very odd. ‘Neil Gaiman is strange,’ I recall our teacher saying, ‘everyone should wear dark clothing.’ There was an undertone to it, like he would be offended if we didn’t. I’m going to let you read between the lines on why this is kind of freaking me out. In retrospect I’m glad that it probably made us harder to see in the dark auditorium.  

I went to a Dresden Dolls gig once when I was a girlmoding goth teenager. I hadn’t listened to them before; I didn’t know much about Amanda Palmer. Everyone else in the room seemed like superfans. She talked a lot about crowdfunding. I thought, this sounds a wee bit like a cult but who am I to judge? Neil Gaiman was there. He was talking to people afterwards and as I was leaving Amanda physically steered me away from him. I didn’t think much of it, it was a small venue, it was crowded. I’ve replayed that moment in my mind many times in the past six months.

I was a big fan of the Good Omens novel, having read it thirteen times before production started on the TV series. 

The most direct route to class when I was studying in London the first time was through the Good Omens set. I would also sort of follow the production around and see what the shooting locations were like. I was telling my classmates how much I loved the book and how I wasn’t sure if the adaptation was going to be any good and one of my classmates, who was the daughter of a science fiction author, told me not to become a fan of Neil Gaiman’s because ‘he’s creepy, we avoid him, he has all these goth girls who follow him around.’ I didn’t really understand what she meant. I didn’t fully comprehend that by ‘creepy man’ she meant ‘man who is a creep’ and not ‘man who is interested in the macabre.’ I wonder now if that also effectively functioned as part of the trap, if part of the anglerfish construction involved thinking ‘well of course people avoid someone who is interested in strange things and presents himself as an outsider.’ If you were fortunate enough to catch a bit of a warning it might not land the same way if he presented himself differently. But lots of people around me were Neil Gaiman fans and I, being, unfortunately, a contrarian, because I had been told not to, read all of his books. 

Gaiman would often claim he answered only a small proportion of the most recent asks he received on tumblr. I somewhat doubt the veracity of this claim given that it cranked up the dial on the parasocial emotions when people would realize that he had answered every single one of their asks. I know I felt that way, because hey, attention is attention, even if it’s mixed with a bit of ‘get off my blog’ and, I now realize, behaving sycophantically because I was afraid of being bullied by him. 

I’m friends with a few young women who he talked to, expressing great interest in their lives, dangling potential TV roles and book deals bobbing in the air just like an anglerfish, and my throat closes up when I think what a close call, and for so many it wasn’t a close call. He hurt so many people utterly, unconscionably, horrifically, heinously, inexpiably. I hope he never experiences a moment of peace and that history and public opinion only ever associate his name with his crimes. Also, car hammer explosion, etc. 

I hope his survivors find so much peace and justice and comfort. 

https://takebackthenight.org

[z-i-a-f-o-x]

What is stopping you from going to a hospital? You don’t seem well and I don’t mean for that to come across as rude. It seems like you need significant help.

I talked a little bit about it on twitter, but it’s really a multitude of emotions and reasons..

Im no stranger to Depression or Suicidal Ideation. When I was a teenager I was Hospitalized and in Facilities multiple times for my own safety, and it was miserable, and was not helpful. Granted these were 5150’s (involuntary psychiatric hold by the State) vs. if I were to admit myself. So there is some trauma and negative associations there that I have with the effectiveness of institutions, at least in my case.

I have passive suicidal thoughts all the time; if you asked me at any given time if I’d opt out even when I’m “happy” I’d say yes. It’s just the brokenness of my mind. Those thoughts may be concerning to some, but it’s become background noise to me. It’s the times I get very low and the thoughts turn into compulsions that are the issue, but they aren’t triggered necessarily by anything in particular. They come on suddenly, intensely, and out of nowhere — so I guess my anxiety and thought process is fearing that I’d admit myself and be my usual passive self (which I know how to cope with on my own) when it’s the times of crisis that I’m really at risk.

To a mentally healthy person, it’s a no brainer to just go to the hospital and seek help for any issue you have. For someone whose brain chemistry is like mine, it’s not that simple. When I’m actively wanting to hurt myself, my focus is completely on that impulse and not on how to fix it. In those moments I’ve already made up my mind and it doesn’t feel like I can be unconvinced. In those moments, there is no finding the solution because I believe I already have. There is no wanting to help myself, there is just the goal I can’t stop fixating on. The times when I need the help the most, are the times I’m the least likely to reach out for it. I tend to self-isolate and shut down and not want to talk about how bad it is.. when I’m really bad, it feels impossible to put it into words for someone to listen. But especially to a professional vs. venting to my friends and in my safe spaces.

It really is just riding it out and waiting for the thoughts to slow down and mellow. And I’ve coped this far in my Life through those lows mainly by distraction, distraction, distraction, and focusing on the pain I’d leave my loved ones in. Because the impulses go away if I’m strong enough to just wait them out, it makes me question how much help a facility would be vs. what I’m already doing. It would basically be just an extra set of eyes on me to make sure nothing happens, while giving me the time I need.. and frankly part of me feels like it would be a waste of money.

In the past when I was hospitalized, I was isolated from outside Life. No connections to family or friends or access to my phone or internet.. and those are all things I derive nearly all my joy from. I don’t know if that would be the same situation as an adult.. but the idea scares me. It scares me to lose contact with the people I push on for, even if it’s only temporary. It scares me the isolation could make me more depressed, which I can’t really afford.

So ultimately, to answer your question — irrational fear and anxiety of the unknown, in combination of not believing it’s bad enough and not wanting to save myself enough. I don’t really have the answer yet on how to get myself to the point of believing I’m worth helping.

There are other options too though, like out-patient programs I’m considering more and more.

[lains-reality]

hello, i'm fairly new to nondualism and there is sort of some information overload going on. i'm open to nondualism, however there are some doubts and fears too, which i'm aware i should try to overcome. i'd like to ask a few questions though it is up to you to answer them, these mentions a bit of derealization and depersonalization so if these are an uncomfortable topic for you to discuss, you are free to ignore this.

1. how does one practice nondualism without falling into derealization and depersonalization? an issue i have is that i am prone to this (even at the most random times, it may happen), and i'm afraid that it'll make it worse for me.

2. how does one practice nondualism while still being able to connect with the world and still being able to immerse in it (instead of being detached or having a blurry mind when interacting with the world)? taking in concepts from nondualism, but still retaining or being able to keep sanity.

3. how does one practice nondualism while still retaining their sense of self? there's this thing going around saying "you shouldn't identify with the body for it is what limits you" or "remove all labels that you've associated with yourself and go with what is left" and it's a bit confusing for me, especially as someone who again is very prone to a blurry sense of self and have once experienced being nothing and identifying as nothing, but it took a toll on mental health and anything that affects the mental health may in turn affect the body negatively (i see it as a vessel of some sort that needs to be taken care of too)

again, it is up to you to answer this. thank you for your time! ‹3 i apologize if these were a bit personal. anyway, i'll be reading more of your blogs. :]

heres a post on derealisation by another blog. i also have a post of it on my q and a

"instead of being detached or having a blurry mind when interacting with the world" why do you think you'll be blurry or negatively detached?

when you have no burdens, nothing to think about now or in the future, what do you feel? when theres no problems or fears to attend to? you feel blurry? or more alive?

I am now 74 years old. And yet I feel that I am an infant. I feel clearly that in spite of all the changes I am a child. My Guru told me; that child, which is you even now, is your real self. Go back to that state of pure being, where the "I am" is still in its purity before it got contaminated with "this I am" or "that I am." Your burden is of false self-identifications—abandon them all. My Guru told me—"Trust me. I tell you; you are divine. Take it as the absolute truth. Your joy is divine, your suffering is divine too. All comes from God. Remember it always. You are God, your will alone is done." I did believe him and soon realized how wonderfully true and accurate were his words. I did not condition my mind by thinking: "I am God, I am wonderful, I am beyond." I simply followed his instruction, which was to focus the mind on pure being "I am," and stay in it. I used to sit for hours together, with nothing but the "I am" in my mind and soon peace and joy and a deep allembracing love became my normal state. In it all disappeared—myself, my Guru, the life lived, the world around me. Only peace remained and unfathomable silence. - nisargadatta

"how does one practice nondualism while still retaining their sense of self?" there is no self. the sense of self you're talking about is just thoughts and emotions, not your Being

the feeling of "I" is always going to exist, its just that this "I" is not the feelings and thoughts that you think is you/yours

here's a post by 4dbarbie, heres another

[lifenconcepts]

Since you have so graciously showered me in various questions, I now have some I would like to ask you.

||-> Do you have a favourite Aesthetic, or one you associate with yourself ?

||-> What’s you biggest Fear ?

||-> Do you have a bizarre Memory, or Experience you often Think about ?

||-> How do you visualise yourself in your Head, or do you not visualise anything ?

||-> Do you have a favourite Animal ?

||-> Do you have a favourite Movie//Series ?

||-> Do you have any Hyperfixations, and//or Special Interests ?

||-> What’s a Word you associate with yourself ?

||-> Is there a Sentence//Word you often say, or write out without knowing why ?

Feel free to ask me any of these things too.

I adore I adore I ADORE QUESTIONS and I adore YOU!!!

I have over a dozen aesthetics, I love them, I live through them, and they constantly change and fluctuate like the clouds in a sky - yet to make this conversation easier for you, it’s primarily dark academia, Russian folklore, battered Soviet guy, butlers, and wolves. That’s just like - entirely me.

my fear? Oh goodness, you know I adore such questions but I’m truly just unable to properly explain this.. I don’t really fear much, anything I ever did I’ve gotten over with time and understanding, and apart from the inherent one of the unknown or bugs (which I also have gotten over).. I probably only have one: being truly out of my mind. There’s a certain comfort with being unpredictable or having your own way of thinking and life that maybe others don’t understand, I don’t fear insanity, but what I do fear is being unable to trust myself. Humans try find reason in everything, and I’m no exception. The times I feel things I simply can not define in any damn way is the times I feel most afraid. To not be able to trust my own instincts or mind in figuring out myself - that’s the only thing scarier than the unknown. Uncertainty kills.

I do! I do.. yet I don’t feel like many would believe me- oh fuck it why do I even care for that? I often go out into the afternoon to talk with the universe, I hear it’s answers, and it definetely instills me with understanding and soothing comfort - my own thoughts being cleared should I ask for that and it’s embrace like a lullaby, yet the only thing other than that which I think of alot, bordering this paranormal experience and world of unreality, is when it scares me. I’m not exactly afraid of the dark by any means, I have taken walks in it entirely at peace, yet the universe can force upon me certain emotions. Let’s just say.. if I’m outside, the universe (or god, whatever you prefer to say) can just give me pure peace and enlightenment - without doing anything be happy. Yet at the exact experience, I could be given paranoia. One of which has no real meaning or reason apart from a major distrust to the world around. Why, I ask? Yet it doesn’t answer. It calls me outside, and it calls me back inside, the sun shines through my window beckoning me to venture out, but the aggression from certain nights keeps me forced indoors despite what I want. “I want to see the stars! They’re beautiful. why won’t you let me feel the breeze through my skin?” I call out, no answer comes this time, yet I’m sure that there’s someone watching me from the shadows just beside the shed, waiting to grab me. I’m staring into it with a light, I see nobody, yet I know they’re there. And they don’t want hugs. (AHEM) anyways also I saw a domovoy last year.

I.. I don’t actually have a form. Identity? Self.. oh it’s something I’m quite litterally in the point of trying to tell what is happening and going on, yet the me that I feel like I am can not be described in words or art I can make, I can only venture around the vague picture but also find a dozen thousand art pieces to try show you what I am like, yet really, I’m grasping at straws. I can take on the form of anything you desire me to, I prefer some light, or a wolf, or a fluffy haired person, but in reality I’m but a collection of existence.

ooo fav animal is a wolf yes yes from childhood :3

Favourite movie/series is a hard one, I constantly change them, but I’ll just vaguely say: the entire Sherlock Holmes franchise of all sorts, Смешарики (don’t listen to the English dub, it’s a disgrace), SpongeBob! (ONLY the old one, they turned it into brainrot), Gravity falls, inside out, Брат, Брат 2, Три богатыря, Иван Василевич меняет профессию, собачие сердце (recommend this one a lot), брилянтовая рука, and many more I’ve still haven’t found or watched! Also maybe a lot I can’t even remember right now..

ooh I- hm.. I’ll just say writing. Poetry. Thoughts. Psychology. Divine intervention. Spirituality. Taste of the world. Just - journaling!

Hmm.. many! I won’t limit myself.. infinite, Soviet, divine, experienced, truthful, canine, man, nature, spirit, wolf, WOLF!!!

plenty.. oh too many to mention..,

oohhh and I flip the questions right back your way! Any words you feel like represent you? What is your identity like? What are your interests? What is your fear? What strange events have you experienced in life? How do you think?

[hazyaltcare]

This is probably an odd sort of request but I've been wondering about something and if you are willing to do a tarot reading to help clear it up a bit it would be much appreciated!! See, I selfship with Dabi from BNHA but I also really, really like the ship between him and Hawks, and I often enjoy the DabiHawks ship in a way that really strongly associates with relating to Hawks's position in a way. Like I ship DabiHawks with a feeling of me as Hawks. Is this possibly a kin thing? Or am I just relating to Hawks as Dabi's soul mate on a more superficial level of being someone who selfships with Dabi myself and happens to like Hawks a lot? I've imagined wrapping Dabi in "my" wings and felt almost a sensory aspect of that, and my own self insert doesn't have wings so that seems like it should be a Hawks kin thing... I want to get an idea of whether I should follow up on this more or if I'm barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. I know tarot readings can't necessarily give me a conclusive answer but I think it might help. Thanks for considering this either way.

Hello, and thank you for your request.

First off, as someone who is fictionkin myself, I just wanted to say that your description of your own experiences does seem very fictionkin related to me. You don't need "kin memories" to be fictionkin. The most important part is your own identity. The fact that you are experiencing something reminiscent of kinshifts (i.e. the wings, which in the otherkin community could be considered "astral wings" or "phantom wings" depending on your preferred terminology) is just even more evidence in favor of it as well. But the label you choose to use and feel comfortable with is entirely your own, and i'm happy to support you via tarot.

I also just wanted to note that my intuition strongly guided me towards answering. I feel that maybe the fact that we've already done multiple requests for you strengthened my spiritual connection for this reading, which is a good thing! Also, I will be using my digital tarot deck for this reading since I've been feeling more drawn to it lately.

Without further ado, let's proceed with the reading.

What I asked: What is Dabi selfshipper anon's relationship to the characters Hawks and Dabi, as well as the Dabihawks ship as a whole?

The result:

Two of Swords - The Emperor - Nine of Pentacles

I did a 3-card reading for this. The card on the left represents Hawks, the card on the right represents Dabi, and the card in the middle represents the DabiHawks ship.

Hawks

The card tarot decided to represent your relationship to this character is the 2 of Swords. The 2 of Swords is a card often associated with indecision, impartiality, mediating, and being at a standstill.

I feel this reflects your own complicated feelings towards the character. There is a fear, I sense, to embrace any sort of truth. You don't want to make a decision or come to a conclusion because you are afraid of the consequences.

It's not all bad, though. This card can also sometimes suggest that you don't have all the information you need. It's valid to need time and space to work things out, especially when it comes to important things like figuring out if you are fictionkin or not. But remember that there is no consequence in being wrong. It is your own personal identity, and it is allowed to grow and change.

I think the advice here isn't that you should rush ahead. It's simply that it's important to remember to not use logical work for a problem that requires emotional work, and don't let fear of the unknown stop you from looking into your feelings regarding this character. Your relationship with him is currently one of doubt and questioning.

Dabi

For your relationship to the character Dabi, I got the 9 of Pentacles. This card is often associated with enjoying the fruit's of one's own labor, independence, and well-earned rewards.

I can't really garner from this card if you and Dabi have a past life relationship together or not, but I can gather that the strength of it now is thanks to your efforts and devotion towards his character. It is all you, and you deserve the fulfillment you are feeling from this relationship.

Your love is practical and solid, just like the Earth element the Pentacles card suit is associated with. I think it's also possible that this selfship has helped you in life to be more independent. You have confidence in the positives this selfship gives you, and it's place in your life isn't anywhere near being questioned.

This result stands at a strong contrast to the card I drew for Hawks. Now may be a time to evaluate the emotional labor you've been putting into Hawks as a character and compare it to how you've been doing so with Dabi. Has looking into fictionkin as a concept left you happier and more fulfilled (even if you are nervous) or is it leading you to doubt yourself and have more inner-conflict? Spiritual pursuits should leave one feeling fulfilled, just as this relationship with Dabi is leaving you feeling.

Dabihawks

The card I got for your relationship to the Dabi Hawks ship is "The Emperor" card, which is 4 of the major arcana. This card is commonly associated with father figures, masculinity, authority, stability, power, and structure.

Your draw towards this ship is very practical. Something about it makes it possible for you to use it as a source of stability.

It's possible that you've dealt with in the past or are currently dealing with masculine figures in your life that leave much to be desired. If that is the case, it's possible that the DabiHawks ship may be healing you in a sense; having Dabi and Hawks being more ideal archetypes of masculinity for yourself.

Even if the above isn't the case, the ship is still being portrayed in this reading as a source of stability and a place where you feel you have authority. I think it's also hinting that you see this ship as a safe space to expresss your own ideal archetypes of masculinity. You may either project those ideals onto them, or perhaps in your mind, they already embody ideal archetypes of masculinity.

I think the advice here is to evaluate the kind of space this ship holds in your life. If it is something you feel you have control over and is giving you a sense of safety and stability, try to think on why that is, and why that is currently important to you. It may help you move forward with figuring out how it fits in with your potential fictionkin identity.

~☀️~

Always remember that you know yourself and your own alterhumanity best. Still, I hope this reading gave you some of the guidance you were looking for.

~☀️~

Mod Haze (☀️Sol)

[nyenylon]

hiya nye!! hope you're doing good :3

looking for some OC advice if that's okay: i have an OC who has MDD, but afaik i don't have it myself and i really want to avoid harmful stereotyping or unrealistic portrayals!

was wondering if you have any tips on writing it, if there's anything specific i should know (if there's treatment, side-effects, etc.) or just anything to avoid in terms of stereotypes?

obviously don't answer this if you don't want to, it's probably very personal, and take your time if you do! i want to avoid screwing up, and while i am also going to check out articles and do my research, i also want to make sure i'm not accidentally being a prick or looking at misinformation and ask you if you have any advice :)

thank you so much! have a nice day nye, stay hydrated :D

Heeyyyy Artsy :3

I'd be happy to help in whatever way I can, but heads up I'm not professionally diagnosed or anything and am definitely not an expert on the topic, so this will just be from my personal experience

So of course maladaptive daydreaming is different for everyone, I think the most common interpretation of it is someone who might use their persona to self insert themselves into media they might like, or a personally written story. Sometimes they might be pre-written and played out (I personally believe this is what "shifters" do). A second common one might be writing a story by thinking about it as a show, where you yourself may not be involved. Many people wrote brilliant stories using this method.

My personal experience is that I can count multiple times where my maladaptive daydreaming was more prominent throughout my life, but I can't really pick it out if childhood experiences as it was kind of like the hit thing to be good at imagining when you were 5.

My standout experience with MDD is ongoing. It started five years ago and it involves myself and other people consistently. There is no change in plot or reboots, I consider these people consistent as any other person I might know. Plainly, I consider the maladaptive daydreaming characters that I have created (ocs) AND have not created to exist as people in some way, so I treat them as such.

Part of my MDD is that these people I know through my head interact with people from the real world, having casual conversations and such.

My level of focus on my MDD varies on my mental health and environment, it usually ranges from maybe 1 interaction a day to things I have planned for the day being cancelled because I'm busy daydreaming. My daydreaming friends will often grow distressed if I don't speak to them for long periods of time. Some of them (my ocs) fear that they'd cease to exist, while others may fear their friends could disappear, including me.

Something well known for MDD is repetitive motions, personally I find my stims outside of MDD are larger and more noticable, while I'm daydreaming sometimes my repetitive motions will be spinning a pen or something as miniscule as timed blinking or eye movement. It's like keeping pace to me, like they tell you to associate a smell with sleeping if you have a hard time sleeping. The motions help keep me focused on my daydreams.

I don't like closing my eyes when I daydream, but I do like dark rooms. I also prefer background noise. It's also well known people like to listen to music while they daydream, and I do, but the noise doesn't have to be music. It just has to be constant and have some kind of pattern that I can tune out to. The noise helps distract me from what I see visually!

I haven't researched treatment because recently I've been quite good at regulating my daydreams, and in the past it's been a fear of mine. I think the only treatment there would be for MDD is finding other coping mechanisms.

As for side effects, I'm not sure what would qualify. I can get angry at daydreams the same way I would anything else, same goes for every emotion. Sometimes it just makes my mood seem out of place, I think. I also think it's obvious when I'm daydreaming, because people usually poke me or wave a hand in front of my face (THIS IS SO ANNOYING DON'T DO THIS I'M DAYDREAMING FOR A REASON). MDD sometimes restricts my real life experiences, socializing, sometimes makes me forget meals, it also makes my memory of everything worse, instead replaced by memories of daydreams. MDD is something that I deal with, while I know it's a negative thing it's something that I don't have any desire to detach myself from. That's a scary idea to me, so I suppose that's a side effect in itself.

As far as writing a character with MDD goes, you'd have to know what they were daydreaming about first. A lot of the rest of the traits, such as what noise or actions they use, would be down to their other characteristics. If I was going to avoid something, it would be to not make everything they daydream about separate to reality. Almost everyone I've known with MDD has integrated their realities in some way, whether it be having their persona personality shine through, their daydreams interact with people around them, writing about it, drawing or infodumping. Of course this might not be everyone, but I think it also depends how private of a person they are. People who have MDD tend to know they're creating something complex.

Thanks for asking me Artsy, again, this is just from personal experiences. Hope this helped! :3

[shiawasekai]

For Nela: 9, 23, 25?

Thank you so much for these, Dujour! They were fun!

Answers to this ask meme

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Now I've mentioned before I don't do playlists and I only check lyrics for a very select few things...

Which means my pool of options is very shallow and the lyrics that come to mind are from something VERY obscure. This is my personal translation of the lyrics (done at the moment, too). For the title and further details, please DM me if you want. I would very much like to not summon that particular fandom:

"You humans may not realize it, but you avoid lighting up what's dark

And, did you know? Darkness, left unchecked, just grows deeper, murkier

And you, you have the face of someone living like they have no darkness within

It's so nice and comforting, to be within someone like you..."

Yeah... Yeah.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Now that's a hard question.

For the hardest to process, I lean towards insecurity.

So many of her problems boil down to poorly managing her insecurities. Societal pressure gave her such a complex she spent years on a self-destructive campaign of teenage rebellion and then, she struggles during the game in no small part because she was too insecure and with no actual support system. There is a reason I argue she would have an easier time as a companion, having someone (the KC) to fully rely on.

There are other emotions at play in both instances, but I feel insecurity is the one that has most consistently given her trouble.

As for the hardest to express... That's guilt. No contest.

During the late game and post-game, one of the main reasons she doesn't seek out help is because she feels guilty about her own thoughts and fears voicing them would only hurt those around her. For a long time, she's blind to the fact she is actually hurting them even more this way.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

That one is both hard and easy. There is a lot I love about her, but... her design has a very, very special place in my heart.

Before I sat down to draw her, I was feeling quite unmotivated with my art. I didn't feel ready to design my own characters from scratch and, being a very OC-driven artist, that drastically reduced the pool of options. Not being able to branch out made it hard to find said motivation.

Mind you, designing Nela was h a r d and ironing out that first draft of her design took me way longer than I care to admit. So many failed attempts... What started as some silly low stakes doodles to solidify a bit more the image in my mind (to never be shared) turned into a whole endeavor.

But it opened a door for me: I could, in fact, do character design!! I didn't need to limit myself! It was hard, but possible! It didn't turn out terrible at least!

... And I've been ever since in the biggest drawing spree since I started with drawing (admittedly that's not very long lmao). I've worked on the designs of multiple characters already, and I want to give more of my children an actual face. I'm so thankful for what she gave me (the creative freedom, the motivation) and proud of the work I put into it.

It may be also why I've gone above and beyond to develop said design further. Insert here reference sheet shenanigans.

This whole situation is made funnier because I remember stressing out over how much time I was dedicating to it because that was time I wasn't practicing things like, you know, posing, anatomy, color/shading/render...

[forever-will-last]

Ask game: 15 for PG/ATP Cady

As a bisexual autistic, who also has some of the mental health issues cady faces, this fic has been great for me to process my own emotions and I’m curious to see how cady dealt with that more in depth

Heyyy fellow bisexual autistic with similar mental health issues! You can really tell who I projected myself onto a bit LOL. It's been interesting balancing my own thoughts/feelings/experiences with how I think Cady would handle similar situations throughout the course of this fic series. Anyways, here's the answer!

(Disclaimer from future me, this ended up being WAY longer than I expected. I'll put the stuff about the sex part of the question under the cut!)

15. 😍 - Thoughts on romance and/or sex?

This series began with a point of canon divergence that occurs after Stupid With Love happens, so we can take that prior to Aaron's death, she very much had the same outlook that canon Cady does. I'd also throw in that she had confusing feelings about Regina that she didn't quite understand, and didn't understand that they were similar to her feelings about Aaron, because the thought of being Not Straight had never particularly crossed her mind, but that one's more of a headcanon I have for canon as well LMFAO

Post-Evanston but pre-Regina, it was far from the first thing on Cady's mind, but as she started to get better, she began to allow herself to fantasize again about being in love, although this time, there wasn't anyone in particular. I think she was scared for a long time about developing feelings for anyone, because of her trauma associated with Aaron's death, but the more she exposed herself to romance in media, the less scared of it she became.

Most of her time at home with Betsy in those early years was spent consuming media, primarily TV and movies at first, because it was an easy way to keep her brain occupied and not spiraling. The better she got, the more she got into it, and eventually, began reading again as well. Romance books and fanfiction about her favorite shows were her go-to, and helped her to not only desensitize her to her trauma, but also to start thinking about love and romance as it could pertain to her again.

While romantic relationships in these books, shows, and fics aren't always the healthiest, she often sought out works that were praised for depicting good, healthy relationships, because she really had no examples in her life. She'd never been in a relationship, her mother didn't date anyone until after Cady started dating someone, so her real world examples were practically zero.

This was something she ended up talking about in therapy a lot after years of improvement, as she began thinking more and more about what the rest of her life is going to look like. She had a lot of fears about not being a good partner for anyone (well before Regina's return), and her and Thalia worked on a lot of hypothetical healthy relationships skills together, using examples of fictional relationships they were both familiar with through TV and movies, with the agreed upon understanding that they aren't always super realistic.

After Regina returns and admits her feelings, and Cady starts processing her own feelings about Regina, Cady has to think about it in a more concrete way. She still has her fears about not being a good partner, about not catching cues or understanding things that Regina wants or needs from her, but in reality, it comes up far less than she had initially feared.

Cady, at heart, is a bit of a hopeless romantic. As soon as she starts experiencing the softness of romance, even in more obscure ways, she finds herself happy and comfortable. Even through hardships, she knows she would do anything for Regina, and Regina would do anything for her, because they're in love, and that's what people in love do. It's a very simplified way of looking at it, but it's her way.

When that happiness and comfort isn't available, such as during an extreme crisis like at the end of ATP, it does send Cady into a bit of her own crisis on it. Does Regina really love her if she's not turning to Cady for help in the same way Cady turns to her? All of the soft things said to each other in the past, do they mean anything at all? What is their relationship?

And, well, we'll get to see them start to unpack that in couple's therapy a bit more Soon™️.

(NSFW half of the question under the cut!)

From this ask game! Send me asks :)

Cady's view on sex is something we see develop a lot throughout the course of ATP, and so far, glimpses of it in PG. Cady spent the years following her time in Evanston adjusting to various medications with a number of side effects, including SSRIs, which often lower sex drive as a side effect. It's not that she was never in the mood, but it was certainly very rare. Sex wasn't something she ever felt like she needed to be fulfilled, although the longer she remained inexperienced, the more nervous she got about said inexperience, in both the realm of romance and sex, although significantly more in the romance field.

Just as she turned to media to help bridge some of the gaps in her knowledge and experience with romance, she did the same with sex. Prior to Regina's return, when she was in the mood, she would read erotica, although, this wasn't necessarily always with the intent of using the smut as a masturbation aid. Sometimes it was because the specific dynamics fascinated her, or certain aspects intrigued her. She primarily read straight smut prior to Regina's return, as she was still fairly unaware of her sexuality and had never fully reflected on it in that way. When Regina returns, and she discovers her long-misunderstood feelings about Regina, she starts exploring sapphic smut in a sort of mad-dash to get any sort of basic understanding of it, as the vast majority of this type of "preparation" she'd done over the years through straight smut didn't really translate well to this relationship.

When she and Regina get together, she's very open about this lack of experience and her anxieties around sex. Regina lets her set the pace, goes slow, and makes sure she has a good experience for her first time. Although she's still on the same medications that do still lower her sex drive, those first couple of months, prior to the leaks, she was much more interested in sex than she's ever been in her life. It helps that she had someone to explore with now, and understand what she likes and doesn't like. At first, she assumes the role she felt she always should, bottoming in many of their early sexual experiences together. She plays around a bit with the idea of a role reversal in some early experiences, but she was still feeling inadequate and inexperienced enough to actually take charge. In my view, both of them are true verses in this AU, although they had only just begun to truly explore this towards the end of ATP with the chapter my beta and I have lovingly nicknamed "The Toppening" (Chapter 45).

The Toppening is a very important chapter to me in that I wrote it with the intention of conveying a lot more about the growth of the characters themselves, as opposed to just smut for the purpose of writing smut. Which is certainly valid and great! But I do feel that some of the earlier smut chapters in ATP served primarily as simply an outlet for me to write smut, as opposed to actually driving the narrative and the characterization further. Which isn't necessary in a story, by any means, but the longer this AU has gone on, the more intentional I have wanted to be in where I put smut and why. (Now I have other fics as an outlet for writing smut. Hi, SBAU and psych ward fans!)

ANYHOW, The Toppening serves multiple purposes for the narrative and the characters. For Cady, throughout that chapter, we see immense growth from the beginning of the fic, both in and out of the bedroom. It's the chapter where she finally applies to community college, taking back control of a part of her life that she long, long felt would be impossible to achieve, both due to her mental health and the fees associated with college. It bolsters her independence and confidence, something that early ATP Cady would have shied away from out of fear of failure. That fear is still there, and we've seen a bit of it and will continue to see more of it, but the difference is that now, she has even stronger emotional support and the financial support to know that if, if she does fail, if she cannot do it, if school is truly not for her anymore, she at least knows that she didn't waste her savings or completely ruin her life by leaving her barista job to go to school.

We see this attitude of confidence continue as the chapter goes on, with Cady practically jumping Regina at lunch to make out with her. Importantly, every sexual fantasy they've ever talked about in relation to the workplace has revolved around Regina topping Cady in her office, yet, the first time anything remotely raunchy happens between them there, this make-out session, Cady is the one taking charge in the moment. They're interrupted by Raúl, so it's cut short, but it's another demonstration of her growth and confidence.

And then, of course, we have the actual sex scene itself. Cady is bold and confident, and despite little awkward moments of lightheartedness, very much in control. Regina's into it, which does inflate Cady's ego a bit, which contributes to the demeanor. For Cady, this true role reversal is not only demonstrating her growth in the bedroom, but also symbolizes her growth in their relationship (and her life) in general. She's spent a long time being taken care of by everyone around her, with little bits of independence here and there, but she's been stuck in awkward place in her emotional and social development for the better part of the last ten years. Now, she's navigating a relationship, friendship, a new job, taking back control of her life, and becoming more comfortable in who she truly is, all while still dealing with a lot of mental health problems. She isn't cured, she'll never be cured. But she's not in constant crisis, and she doesn't need to constantly be taken care of like she used to. She can take care of herself, and her partner.

While the Toppening shows Cady regaining control, it's also some slight foreshadowing around Regina's uncertainty in losing control. In the moment, when things are actually happening in the chapter (when Regina finds out about Cady's application, when they're making out, and during the sex scene), Regina is genuinely happy/into Cady taking control. She's genuinely thrilled that Cady applied, and she's very turned on by Cady taking charge in the other two scenes. But after? When things are over, and she has time to process and overthink and analyze every little thing, in the way she always does? She's nervous about the change in the dynamics, and what it means. Or, rather, what her overthinking and spiraling brain thinks it means. Her fears around these changes feed directly into the events of the last couple of chapters of ATP in her big breakdown, although she doesn't quite name it directly in those chapters. We'll explore a bit more of this when we get to the couple's therapy scenes in PG, and how this shift and change effects both of them as individuals and their relationship itself, once it's identified and named. (I know this ask was about Cady, but I couldn't leave Regina's side of the Toppening untouched!)

We'll continue to see how Cady's feelings about and relationship to sex continue to change and adapt, as frankly, after the breakdown, they aren't having any sex for a while. It's far from on the front of their minds while Regina's in the early stages of her recovery, and would probably actively do harm if they did attempt to do anything before either of them are fully ready for that type of intimacy again. Obviously, however, we know from the first chapter of PG, that by the time December hits and they go on vacation, they're fucking like rabbits. We'll see more on how this gets from where they were to where they are as more of PG comes out.

I have no idea how long this is, but I do know it's way longer than I intended... Oops! 😅 I hope this answered your question, Anon, and I can't wait to get back to working on PG and telling more of this story, because CLEARLY I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the characters in this AU!

[bunnakit]

lore anon here, vibrating now, because I must ask, do you read tarot yourself? because I definitely do, (hell, I picked my latest daily draw deck that I've been working with since may by just asking each of the three decks I was trying to decide between what they each thought about ateez and then going with the deck that gave the fondest answer because why the heck not since I was changing decks right before the comeback. so why not, right?)

because, I am not kidding, half the reason I sent the last ask was because I'd been watching Don't Stop on loop for like 3 hours yesterday, (HJ standing on the piano while the room on fire has been a mood for me of late,) and I could not stop thinking about the Guerrilla cane and the Don't Stop cane and the fact that Hongjoong is such an absolute Emperor archetype personality-wise and how the Emperor is generally considered the evolved form of the King of Wands. And he was the one who literally got a wand in the photospread, and then got two canes (wands) in actual mvs. And wands are the suit of actions/passion/communication and they show up in the two mv's where the Black Pirates are finally taking action, and using their passion to communicate their message and start fighting to give people their emotions back, and then the one where Hongjoong has to kind of lose his mind and wreck the place in a fit of passion to get the key to ship back.

but I don't mention tarot because if someone's not into the woo-woo it makes me sound like I'm absolutely insane. I AM SO GLAD TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

(And we've already had one very prominent cups song (Answer with its literal overflowing cup,) and one coins/pentacles song, (hi there WORK, welcome to the canon). ...and a sword song depending on if we're counting the kingdom/stage performances of Wonderland given how iconic Seonghwa's sword is to the song at this point).

Also, also if you want to talk about card associations? Bouncy where they are literally bringing down The Tower, because a system built on corrupt foundations cannot stand.

You could also argue San's toast in Answer relating to the Star card pouring water/healing given how much of an emotional resolution and idea of finding of an understanding between the A and Z pirates Answer is.

Or Yeosang captured by the android guardians and trapped in the glass prison cell as The Hanged Man, forcibly stuck and suspended in time and space and forced into a reflection that does not go well for him before they rescue him.

(Also I have not stopped thinking about that tarot reading all the way back from Codename: Ateez that I basically reverse-engineered the spread positions of based on how the reader lady gave the reading and.... Hongjoong coming up as the Emperor who sees Seonghwa as the Queen of Cups while Seonghwa comes up as the literal Queen of Swords who sees Hongjoong as the ace of wands like aaaaaaaaa. And the fact that she just whipped out the whole husband/wife thing because it seems like the overarching dynamic of their relationship is the 4 of swords, how they are together is 'a stable foundation' with the king and ace of pentacles, all of which if I was reading that same spread I would read as 'they feel like home to each other'. And the outcome of their relationship being 9 of cups/death? completely transform each other while making their dreams come true? aakhgkjhgkrjh hi, yes, they make me insane your honour)

THE TOWER. i stared at The Tower for ages like i KNOW we've seen a version of it and i couldn't think of it but it's absolutely Bouncy!! (The Tower is also the card i always fucking get in readings, thankfully not reversed.)

i don't actually read myself, never really took the time to learn, but i do collect decks (my husband got me the most gorgeous bird themed deck for our anniversary) - i mostly just look up card meanings from time to time and try to remember the iconography in them, but i DO have plans to get the reversed heirophant tattooed on me someday

i truly can't wait to see where the lore goes, while it made me cry for like 30 mins i'm so so curious to see where Golden Hour's lore takes us because it definitely feels like a HUGE pivotal moment in the story

[sarcasticsciencefictionwriter]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @zeldamacgregor thank you so much!

1.How many works do you have on ao3?

One hundred and seven.

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

553,867

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Sanctuary and Stargate SG-1.

4. Top five by kudos

Commute - 87 (SG-1, Sam/Jack)

In-between - 72 (SG-1, Sam/Jack)

One Snowy Day - 66 (SG-1, Sam/Jack)

Two Kinds of Sparks - 62 (SG-1, Sam/Jack)

One Rainy Day - 60 (SG-1, Sam/Jack)

There is a definite pattern here.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! Except when someone was being a jerk to me, I ignored them once or twice.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh, man, I have no idea. The Last of the Tau'ri was pretty bleak and angsty, especially since I was evil enough to make it a one-shot.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

No clue on this one either, 'happy' ending aren't my strong suit.

Happiness is an emotion, not a state of being.

I have sweet endings, but I'm not sure I have 'happy' ones? I can't answer this question in any way that satisfies me.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Other than the one idiot that was correcting me on their version canon, nope.

9. Do you write smut?

No. I can't say I ever won't, but at the moment I'm not in a headspace where I feel comfortable doing it.

Let's just say if I want that in my fics, I'm probably going to have to ask someone else in the fandom to right that chapter or an accompanying scene fic for me. 😂

10. Craziest crossover?

Ohhh, I have no idea, I don't think I've gone insane yet.

My upcoming Encanto + Sanctuary is going to take the cake for the moment.

One that actually exists? Howl's Moving Castle + Sanctuary.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Sort of got two in the works. 😉

And started one with @tina-mairin-goldstein but I haven't committed as fully as I should. (In my defense, I haven't seen the season of Supernatural it would take place in and Hannibal is....not my favorite thing).

14. All time favorite ship?

Helen/John from Sanctuary.

(I can feel the respect the Sanctuary community has for me draining away, especially when my most popular Sanctuary fic is Teslen.😂)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I'm determined to finish all of the SG-1 and Sanctuary ones!

The ones I won't finish, I have actively chosen not to finish. I quit writing Fantastic Beasts and I have no plans to further associate myself with/in the fandom.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Foreshadowing and emotions, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description.

Fluff is also hard because from my view it doesn't seem fluffy, but that's just perspective of author, I suppose.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I'd do it more if I had more confidence in being able to do it correctly.

For now, I just sprinkle in a couple words.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Warriors cats before I knew what fanfiction was, Fantastic Beasts once I did.

20. Favorite fic you've written so far?

Enigmatic Confections and The Abnormal X-File. Can't choose between.

No pressure tagging: @tinknevertalks, @chartreuseian, @theleotorrio, @ladyelysandra, @romanaisalive

[amphisia]

today i’d like to talk about one of the most influential & helpful skills in my witchcraft practice- thinking.

not researching, or spell casting, or cleansing (though these can be important!), but thinking is what lead to the greatest breakthroughs and understandings in my personal practice.

usually how this goes is i will do cursory research into something, then i’ll sit for awhile and do nothing but think. some questions i usually ask myself include:

-who does this belief/information/etc benefit? why? who holds the power?

-does this subject seem like something that may be from a closed practice? (i do recommend looking this up in your initial research, the questions you ask yourself will likely differ based on the answer to this question)

-how does this idea fit with my values and beliefs? does this idea challenge anything i currently believe?

-what other ideas does this thing connect to? how does this expand my worldview?

-is there anything about this that confuses me? scares me? comforts me?

-what thoughts/emotions do i associate with this idea/what thoughts/emotions does this provoke in me?

-how does this reframe prior knowledge, experiences, feelings, etc?

-is this something i want to integrate into my practice? (and is this something it is okay to integrate into my practice ie avoiding appropriation)

-if yes, how can i implement this is in a way that makes sense for me & my practice in our current state?

add/remove questions as you feel will be helpful if you decide to try something similar. my practice is highly individual & i share this not as a “you have to do this” but as an idea. break sessions into manageable amounts of time and effort for yourself. let your mind roam and see what comes up. there’s a lot to be learned from inside yourself.

as someone with memory issues, taking notes about these things helps me a lot, both in current time and in the future when i look back at my notes. a lot of the time, my ideas about a subject will change over time & its helpful to repeat this process periodically about the same subjects. dating notes as i make them is helpful to establish timelines (especially moving things from journal to journal. sometimes i’m copying a note i made 3 years ago and i make sure to make a note of that as well. if it’s important enough to move from journal to journal its likely significant enough to mark that i am still believing or using this particular aspect of an idea).

tldr: sometimes it can be good to just sit and think for awhile

[greenmansgrove]

Rowan: My Guide to/through Druidry

I've mentioned I only started studying druidry a little over a year ago. I knew for many years before that point how desperate I was for ritual and/or to "believe in" something again after estranging myself from Catholocism in my late teens, when even my parents drifted away from practicing Christianity. During grad school, I had friends who practiced various folk religions as well as Wicca, but even then, I struggled to find a connection to those practices, other than the joy of standing in my at-the-time metamour's overgrown backyard for a ritual of thanks at the polycule's Samhain party. That was my first time celebrating any of the high days, despite a childhood curiosity in pagan spirituality. I'd made soul cakes to share, too. But as time passed, relationships ended, and grad school became busier, my spiritual care fell by the wayside.

Then, roughly five years later, having recovered from homelessness thanks to a careless landlord, graduated grad school, survived a year as an adjunct (a job I promptly lost during the pandemic), moved to an entirely new state, all while nursing a broken heart and beginning my medical transition... I felt the need again. I had hopes that it, too, might help me through both the heartbreak and my declining mental health.

All the events of the past several years had left me feeling alone and vulnerable. I felt like I had no sense of self and no life of my own. I was also anticipating some painful future events, and I really didn't know how to emotionally prepare myself. On a whim, I asked someone to do an ogham reading. My question(s) were wild and unfocused, representative of my conflicted and pained emotional state, and I'm thankful for the reader's patience. I've always found humor in things like tarot and horoscopes, considering them nothing more than just for-fun or aids in guiding intuition. The results of this reading were as generic as any other, offering the same wisdom I'd heard elsewhere. But the final ogham the reader drew was none other than Luis, or rowan/mountain ash, which is the second few in the ogham alphabet (after birch) with two lines pointed towards the right. And so, when the reader drew this ogham, as if in perfect answer to the deepest fears I was anticipating, came the message, "You are protected."

It is difficult for me to describe what I felt when I received this message. I felt relief, though a cautious relief, at best, given that I take these readings with a grain of salt, but it was enough to bring me to tears. I have largely felt "unprotected" since moving out on my own and experiencing all I had in the last handful of years. It'd been one thing after another in my life with very little rest, peace, and joy. I wanted to believe that it were true. I wanted to believe after so many years of struggling to find faith in something, to cling to hope, to feel like I belonged anywhere, that I would be okay. It most definitely felt like grasping at straws to try believe in this reading. I've always been one of those people who wanted proof and to whom divine experiences never came. But it was enough for me at the time to open myself up a bit.

Rowan is one of the most sacred woods to the druids, and it is associated with protection thanks to folklore and mythology the world over. It also has associations with the fey. I read somewhere that, because of its associations with the fey, the divine, or the other world, it protects because of its chaotic nature. It "disrupts" whatever dangers or energies that are directed towards it. Again, as an atheist, I respect these interpretations. I find the symbolism to be helpful for finding connection to the world and to my ancestors (both those of blood and of covenant--another post in the making) who had their own ties to and stories of the lands in which they lived. Rowan has thus acted as a focus for me over the past year. It was my starting point, because I needed that one little push to act and move through the coming difficulty rather than dwell on the tragedy for which I'd been bracing myself. I am incredibly thankful for that message, because, as an act of reciprocity, which is concept important not just in spiritual practices but useful in developing deeper relationships with the land and community at large, I committed myself to trying out this druidry thing, at least for a year. And now I'm beginning year two.

In another occurrence of synchronicity in my life, I began practicing druidry in a place where not only the RDNA formed, but where rowan/mountain ash grows abundantly. One of the projects I created for myself (finding passions are good at forcing you to do that), I wanted to find harvest from various trees which I could give as offerings at RDNA rituals. UMN-Saint Paul has a self-guided tree tour, which was initially helpful in being able to visit some pre-identified examples, including rowan, to aid me in learning to identify the trees out in the wild. I've since found rowan trees closer to my home, with which I'm beginning to foster a relationship. I keep some rowan wood on my altar, I carry a piece of rowan wood on my keyfob and/or some berries in a little wooden locket, I had some rowan carved and painted onto my walking cane, and I regularly offer rowan berries at my RDNA grove's rituals.

More recently, I participated in a guided meditation on the rowan tree. Meditation can be especially helpful in aiding one listen to their intuition, and my question or focus of my meditation at the time was, "Should I join the priesthood of the RDNA?" The answer I "received" was flippant, but in tune with how I would answer myself or anyone looking for wisdom: "Follow what path you will. Even if that path is paved, it is still new to you." Another oddly perfect answer, thanks to rowan. I have a lot of anxiety about "going my own way" and "taking the road less traveled by" out of fear I am ill-prepared or will hurt myself. Hell, I've gone hiking so many time and gotten lost or fallen off/into things and needed to call park rangers, all because I didn't espouse as much caution as I should have. Part of my efforts over the past year to be more physically active and to be in nature has been to find places with paved hiking paths so I can just enjoy myself and build confidence instead of trying to hold myself to some ideal that I'm not ready to be just yet. So, "receiving" this answer really put me at ease and told me that I'm doing what I need to. I can go at the pace that I need and use what tools and aids are helpful to me because comparing myself to others isn't all that helpful. It may even be ableist to assume that a druid needs to be able to rough-it and hike unafraid and unfettered through the wilderness. It's more about the journey and forging my own personal relationship with nature in the quest for spiritual awareness. Maybe I will join the higher orders, or maybe I won't and I'll give up on druidry altogether. Either way, that's my path and no one can take it from me or judge me for it.

I finally feel like I do have a life, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it. I now feel that my daily experiences out in nature are divine in and of themselves, and I've become more skilled at "reading signs" that I might use to guide my intuition or view simply as poetic coincidences that enhance my enjoyment of a brief moment in time. I'm thankful for it all.

[napo-leo-art]

Hi! ^^ 7,9 and 24 (Edgy/misc OC ask meme), if it's still a thing, for Levi pretty please!

It is! Thanks for the questions! Let me put it under the cut because it's LOOONG tw: answer #9 briefly talks about suicide ideation

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

I'll focus on design/idea instead of character development for this one! The biggest thing that's changed is that (prior to playing Retribution) I went back to Rebirth to replay things, mostly to jog my memory. Iirc, my first playthrough of Levi had his vendetta against his past self (because of the provided 'I was an idiot'/I hate looking back at myself reason). I still think he has a really strong hatred for 'Sidestep', who he has a complicated idea of (as in: he knows Sidestep is a part of him, but it's easier to think of him as a different person because he was a legitimate hero back then); now though, his hatred is against Herald. It was kind of a choice motivated by seeing how/if that would change the way the romance played out, and ngl I don't really know if it did (played a ton of Retribution, but I don't remember that part). I think it gives better "reason" for him being so unreasonably cruel to Herald, who he barely knows. Ortega and Chen he has history with, and Argent is a very serious threat, so all of those are well-justified imo. Herald being the target of some (extremely unjustified) violent behavior makes the most sense to me if Levi hates him*. *Which in Levi's case is just jealousy and regret gone overboard 9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Oh god, not prior to right now?

Maybe (from the poem "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas, which is by FAR one of my favorite poems)

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

.... Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I don't think that the poem as a whole is representative of Levi, but that strong emotion that it sparks in me personally reminds me very deeply of Levi, and of many Sidesteps that choose that one 'I'll tear my skin if I have to' option. Along with the meaning of the entire poem, I think it inspires this passionate emotion counter to the inevitability of death, which is how I view Levi's feeling about dying. He's a tactician, but he doesn't look for any long term plans as a villain because he sees death as the end point of this fight. The point of this thing isn't really what happens to him at the end of it, because he sees it as just the (hopefully powerful) last thrashes of his life. Even surviving a full year as a villain was a big fucking deal to him: it's not like this is really a suicide-by-cop/suicide-by-hero situation, but he doesn't care if he dies and in a way, it's not a negative if he does. It's just expected.

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

A life path that I think about pretty often for most Sidesteps is the idea of one where they decided to trust the Rangers with the re-gene secret. I think (in retrospect) it's way, WAY easier than admitting to being a villain. I'm hoping that the Rangers would have supported Levi through it, and I know that Sidestep has a lot of pretty reasonable fears about the Farm tracking him back down, so it might've been messy.

But let's say he does mention the re-gene secret and the Farm. I imagine that the Rangers (or at least Ortega, maybe Chen?) would have believed him after a little convincing, and then tried to do what they could to obscure his identity as much as possible. Considering he hid his face most of the time, maybe they'd be confident enough about it.

With the tactician and tech-savvy traits he has, I can see him becoming someone they keep hidden away as much as possible- no more public hero duty (which would suit Levi just fine), and he can get all of the praise and fulfillment he needs out of working on Rangers tech and science on the back end.

In this AU, I wonder if he would've confessed to Ortega eventually, or if Ortega would've tried to make a move- it's possible that would've become a relationship, but only after years and years of Levi being coaxed into actually trusting Ortega. I like to think that Argent and Herald do join eventually, and that they're shocked to figure out that Sidestep (the one-time hero) has become hero tech support LMAO.

I do think he'd be happy. Especially with Ortega and Chen supporting and protecting him.

[its-a-hil]

answering everything for this ask game

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect? there are. a number of them. flare (clark powell, for homestuck) magilou's theme (motoi sakuraba, for tales of berseria) electricity forecast (inabakumori, really everything by them is just. so good) 14.3 billion years (andrew prahlow, for outer wilds)

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)? how hard teaching is :/ idk it's difficult to process anything else when im having a fulltime job for the first time in my life -_-

bamboo ⇢ do you change into a different outfit when you get home? yes absolutely i need to wear something comfy and soft and unrestrictive so like. leggings and a t shirt. having to wear vaguely formal clothes to work is nice for my self esteem but they are absolutely not home clothes at all

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with? not at the moment but i want to!! new year's resolution is to buy/make a necklace with 30 lunar phases and wear the appropriate one every day in 2024

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them? i have an older sister, we're extremely different lmao i guess we're both academically inclined and like reading fantasy, but that's like. it. though we are both currently getting our masters degrees from the same university so that's neat

mahonia ⇢ what place, thing, activity inspires you most and how do you express yourself when it does? i guess… seeing something that was more beautiful than i expected? that's very vague hold on one time i was walking home from my office hours as a ta after a student had held me late these were evening office hours, so like. it was 2230, i was not dressed for the cold, i was annoyed at the student but but as i was passing a little field of grass, there were little ice crystals on the blades in the light of the streetlamp, as the wind was blowing the grass and i was walking past it the grass glittered i cant think of a better way to describe it but ive never seen anything like it since it completely made my day so yeah. that's my answer

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else? hm idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i feel like inside jokes usually just become part of my vocabulary

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is? fiction i think it's because im much closer to being good at writing than i am to any other art form so it resonates more with me since i can feel/imagine its creation in a way that i cant for music or visual art also sometimes i read my own past writing and it eats me alive

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you? it's associated with my name obv, since it's just a pronunciation guide but it's also associated with my avi edits, which are wonderful and make me feel great joy

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot? oh absolutely also not at all past me and present me both had/have an absurd inability to compartmentalize, a large degree of silliness, and a general love for the world the main difference is that ive… done more things

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again? not quite a movie or a book but. katanagatari. i really liked it but also it is so fucking slow i tried to rewatch it a couple years ago and i couldnt bc it was just so wordy

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired? it's quite easy to tell if im upset or tired i feel idk if theres a difference between them just like. looking at my eyes. also i take pauses when im tired/upset. also my voice is just. god. unsure about a tell for whether im happy though im not very in tune with my emotions to be able to tell that at least with other people if im by myself ill stim and the cadence/type of stim makes my emotional state obvious but who ever sees that

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts? things that encourage me to do something i want to do but need the motivation for my college friend group does a yearly gift exchange and a couple years ago i wished for earrings as motivation to get my ears pierced (it took me another 9 months but. we still did it girlies !!)

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life? hm. failure? failing a class, or having a relationship break down, or tripping and getting myself seriously injured just. something that reminds me how ubiquitous loss is, that forces my brain to accept the fact that it's okay to not try to be perfect

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless? aranea homestuck!! something about the way that she knew that the game over timeline would break, did her best to avoid it, and everything fell apart anyway the part where she kisses jake and is like "wait why are you freaking out?? i know you like me this was supposed to encourage you" is just. she's doing her fucking best and putting her all into saving the timeline and yet everything she's doing is hurting and she doesn't know why also the part where she snaps and mind controls damaras to smash planets together in a desperate attempt to kill the condesce. so important. love her idk if she even counts as a villain but the story hates her so. it counts for me

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on? haha… "decorated"... that sure is a word…………

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with? oooooh answer !! god. tales of luminaria was so fucking good!! (this was the trailer theme, and it was honestly the first thing that clued me into the fact that the game would be amazing)

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about? i guess for a general hypothetical person, i'd tell them how i have a teaching job now, how i have to manage a horrible curriculum that's just. extremely pedagogically unsound i'd also tell them that i went to la over the summer and got to see my 2nd space shuttle orbiter, that i don't yet live somewhere with public transit but that day is growing ever closer and im so excited