#one question i have been considering this month: how do we know adhd and autism aren't basically two branches of the same tree

[neverenoughmarauders]

Have you ever considered... ?

Today, we get criticised for considering that we are neurodivergent too often. But I am yet to be convinced this is really the biggest challenge we are facing: I would argue that we still don't consider it enough.

For me, it started years ago when I was complaining about my sister to someone, and they asked me: have you ever considered she's got ADHD. My first response was no, I know that is what it looks like, but you don't know my family. If she's got ADHD, then my brother and mother definitely have it too. (which, in hindsight... yes, while neither will ever seek a formal diagnosis... I am 99% sure they do).

But it made me think... ADHD looks different in women. So I started reading research articles about how ADHD manifests in women, and to my surprise my first conclusion was: I don't know about my sister, but I definitely have ADHD (she does). I had just put lots of coping mechanisms in place. And I just kept thinking I was failing at being an adult.

When I got long covid, most every coping mechanism I had used, shattered, and I sought a formal diagnosis. ADHD went from something challenging to something impossible to manage.

But then I got the strangest question in my life from my psychiatrist: "Have you considered that you might be autistic too"? It was a question that I got exactly one year ago this month. And I remember responding: No, I am not. Because the thing was, I have lots of friends that are on the ASD spectrum (by chance... of course, not revealing anything about me), and a few of my in-laws too, including my father-in-law. I had this belief that I knew what autism looked like. But I didn't. Not fully.

She needed to ask, she told me, because I'd crossed some threshold value in a survey. But that couldn't be right! I had deliberately answered it so that it wouldn't come up. Because I knew that if I answered it truthfully, it might look like I was autistic. But I wasn't. I would know, surely?!

A few months later, she asked again, and walked through how my behaviour seemed to be consistent with someone on the AuDHD spectrum. Again, I dismissed her.

But this time, I went back and started reading about autism in women and autism combined with ADHD. And I started to cry, because finally something just made sense. Together with the POTS diagnosis, I suddenly understood so much of my life.

Funnily enough, I had decided to keep this from my siblings, after my mum reacted with disbelief ("but you're normal" - thanks mum, you insulted me and most of my friends in one go). My husband was of course supportive, but nobody knows me like he does. But eventually I told my younger sister--a doctor--who said: "OMG that makes so much sense" (gee, thanks... but also, yes!), and my brother and his partner, who exchanged a look that told me they've speculated about this before. He then replied: "Took you that long to figure it out, eh".

And maybe that wasn't the reaction some wanted, but for me it was validation.

Eventually, I went on to get the formal diagnosis for that too.

Now, my point in this deeply personal narrative is that people make it so that youtube and the internet means "everyone" thinks they have ADHD and/or are autistic, but like... many are?! And MANY don't get diagnosed early, especially women. I have read about women who got diagnosed in retirement age. That to me is the real tragedy. So what if some people go around suspecting they have it when they don't? If the ADHD management methods they've found online work for them, then is that really so sad? Shouldn't we be more worried about the thousands of people who do not get the help they need, because they haven't been picked up by a biased system?

[nadiuu]

5 & 29 for el ángel caído!!

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about El ángel caído? Answer it now!

"Is Mello high, or is he actually talking to his mom?!"

I feel like this is something a reader who took the time to translate from Croatian would ask, because I made it ambiguous enough that it might not even stand out. It’s not really that relevant XD While researching ketamine, I found out it can cause hallucinations, and I thought that was the perfect excuse to include that element.

I’m a huge nerd for parapsychology and the occult, precisely because of how little scientific backing it has. And since Mello is religious, this felt like the perfect chance to add that in. He’s got one foot in the grave (okay, not really, he’s actually very stable, but he’s 19, he’s been through hell, and he has every right to be as dramatic as possible kasdfbhakjbdfh), so I wanted to play with that idea.

Like I said, it’s open to interpretation, but personally, I love the idea that, yes, his mother is there, watching over him and waiting until his time comes (in two months XDD) so they can reunite and move on together. But hey, if you’re more of a logical thinker, you can totally blame it on the drugs hahaha

(Let’s keep in mind that I have zero medical knowledge, thank you, bye XD)

Another question: "Does Matt have ADHD?" Yes (I also kept this vague because it’s not super relevant to the plot). "Does he know he has it?" Nope. "Nadiu, you absolute piece of shit, why doesn’t he know?!" Because I made Wammy’s House messed up enough that there wouldn’t be a psychologist available for the kids. It’s the late ‘90s / early 2000s, and there’s so much misinformation. I can’t imagine anyone back then even considering that being gifted could come with other disorders (and I totally picture all the kids masking like absolute pros). To the adults, they’re just a bunch of ridiculously smart kids, some weirder than others, and that’s it.

That lack of awareness also explains why Matt has a completely wrong idea of autism. When he first meets Near, he doesn’t know how to interact with him because he assumes all the stereotypical clichés about autism. That’s where his initial disdain comes from. And yet, for some reason, he relates to certain traits... ;D (but he will never question why XD)

I like to think that Near’s arrival at Wammy’s House, with his autism being so obvious, was what finally shook things up. I imagine he was the first kid to make them stop and actually rethink things, so they started handling everything in a healthier way ^^

There are more questions I could answer, but they’d be spoilers and, after all, I will solve them in the fic in future chapters XD

29. What songs would be (or are) on a playlist for El ángel caído? Explain your choices if you want!

Yeah, okay, I’m not gonna explain all my choices because this would get way too long, and I’m also not listing every song (there are at least 100 in the playlist askdbfkjhbdfahkd) Some songs are there just for the vibes (one of the perks of not fully understanding English: who cares about the lyrics hahhaha) For example, Gorillaz and Fujiya & Miyagi (Pussyfooting♡) just scream Matt’s whole universe. A solid bassline instantly transports me to El ángel caído’s atmosphere. When I want to write but lyrics distract me, I put on No Clear Mind because their music is mostly instrumental (with a sad and melancholic vibe hehe). So... yeah, what a mix hahha

Some songs in the playlist actually fit parts of the fic beyond just the vibes (if you ignore certain lines XD). They spark my imagination, so here are a few (just a handful, I’m trying to keep this short and I'm failing at it):

Howlin’ for You – The Black Keys We Are Born When We Die – Apollo Sunshine Stay on the Outside – Whitey Demon Fire – AC/DC Iron – Woodkid Lose Your Soul – Dead Man’s Bones Low Lays the Devil – The Veils Get Some – Lykke Li Miss You – The Rolling Stones Keeper – Reignwolf like you’re god – mehro Sinister Kid – The Black Keys Personal Jesus – Depeche Mode Sinnerman – Nina Simone You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi I Hate Myself for Loving You – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts No Good – Kaleo Gun In My Hand – Dorothy Devil Like You – Gareth Dunlop

[godlesshasideas]

Writing About Disabilities: ADHD

Here we go again.

When writing about anything you are not personally familiar with, research is your best friend. Don't use this post as a catch all and think it's all you need to write characters with ADHD. This is far from all the information about it, but it's a starting point.

Here's some basic information that I have found and I've also included some of my own experience since I have ADHD, which is at the bottom of this post. (Just as a note I won't always do things I have personal experience with. These are just the ones I feel comfortable sharing first.)

Information regarding ADHD

As most people know, ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's a neurological disorder that impacts many various things but mainly an individual's focus (both ability and where that focus is). Many people with ADHD usually are focused on something but they don't have control of where that focus is. The biggest example of this is in school settings (which often leads kids to be diagnosed) where they're in the classroom and even though they hear the teacher giving instructions they can't help but focus on what's happening outside or the posters on the wall, etc.

There are various types of ADHD and they have been updated by the DSM. It was once separated as ADHD and ADD, which pretty much meant you had A or B, which doesn't really work neurodivergence because every brain works differently and everyone has their own experience (it's a spectrum). There are now three types and they luckily aren't as cut and dry: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined Presentation. It's also important to note that presentations can change over time but it's always just ADHD. Source: CDC

Some more in-depth information:

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder | NIMH

Living with ADHD | Coping Strategies | ADDitude

Data and Statistics About ADHD | CDC

Things to Consider about the character you're writing:

When was your character diagnosed? Also, how did they go about this diagnosis process? While this may seem like some simple questions, the answer does contribute to your character's story and identity. Was it part of their K-12 years? If so, what part? Was it when they got to college? Were they never diagnosed until a friend/family member pointed it out to them? Are they still undiagnosed? You should look into the experiences people have shared online about their diagnosis because it may be helpful for creating your character.

Do they have other forms of neurodivergence? Many neurodivergent people have more than one diagnosis in neurodivergence. For example, there's a lot of overlap with ADHD and Autism. So much so, that there's a unofficial term for it: AuDHD. This term is unofficial in the sense that it was developed by the community for the community rather than medical professionals. If your character has multiple diagnoses, how do those diagnoses interact with each other?

*Also, be aware of statistics. It's been proven over and over again that women or AFAB people are less likely to receive a diagnosis for ADHD (they're more likely to be diagnosis with anxiety, depression or OCD; all of which can be contributed to ADHD)

My Experience with ADHD

I decided to create a section to share my experience just because of how much it's apart of my daily life. I've obviously had ADHD all my life but I wasn't diagnosed until my first/second year of high school. The reason for this is because I was "good in school" and wasn't "jumping off the walls". I was good in school because I was hyperfixated on academics and academia. I wasn't jumping off the walls with energy because I was constantly masking, because now as I have gotten older and more comfortable, those high energy symptoms are more apparent.

I didn't take ADHD medication for a very long time because I thought I was managing just fine. I actually requested medication a few months back (before my third year of university). Turns out I was not managing just fine. I was constantly procrastinating and leaving things to the last minute. I was relying on the pressure of a looming deadline. I was also in a constant state of executive dysfunction when that deadline wasn't there (like with household chores). Imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly able to work on tasks without pressure of a deadline or pressure of failure.

As a funny little note, whenever I spoke to healthcare professionals and I told them I had ADHD or they saw it in my chart, they would be shocked/surprised by the fact I was unmedicated. Another funny note, when I spoke with my psychiatrist about being put on an ADHD medication, he was like "I was wondering when this would happen" like sir??? lmao

**Once again, always do more research. Do not use this post as all you need. Anytime you write something or create a character that has something you aren't familiar with, you need to take the time to learn about it. Research Research Research!

[trichotillo-nope]

Still here...

Hey y'all! I know, it's been a minute since I started this particular blog and then subsequently disappeared. Mea culpa.

Short version: Adulting nuked my plans; and possible (probable, who are we kidding) neurodivergent shenanigans.

Did not know there was a blanket term to describe the processing nonsense that is my brain and how I overall interact with the world. Personally I'd explain it as a some mixture of ADHD/[mild] Autism/Trauma with a frosting of Trichotillomania and Anxiety/Depression.

Yes, I am in the process of psych assessment hell. Thus this post now exists in the wild world of Tumblr. So, for my American followers (since I'm, y'know, in that hellscape), here's the gist of how that works in case any Adults are considering going through this process.

See a psychiatrist/psychologist who can perform the evaluation and assessment. Your health insurance may require a referral from your medical doctor.

Go through 1-2 (minimum) pre-assessment interviews because of course. It's one part diagnostic and one part insurance requirements and probably some skeptical "you're not neurodivergent" and you will feel like you're on trial even if you are a Textbook case of whatever thing(s) you think you are. It's important, at least it's been so for me, to bear in mind that what you're experiencing is valid even if it's not one large overarching issue but a combination of several "smaller" issues mimicking the expression of another because there is overlap.

Try not to self diagnose if possible because of the overlap; though I understand the inclination to do so especially with more neurodivergent people discussing how their neurodivergence impacts their daily lives via social media.

Advocate for yourself.

These tests are expensive. I'm looking at near $2000 between me and my insurance and guess who is covering the bulk of it - hint, not my insurance.

Your insurance probably needs a pre-authorization and approval times vary by insurance provider (mine took about 10 days to okay things; it could have been longer). Note: Your Assessor will contact your Insurance with the pre-authorization form.

If you or our assessor suspect autism, be prepared for your insurance not to cover those tests.

Expect, if you have a mainstay therapist, that the assessor may wish to speak with your primary mental health provider.

Hurry up and wait. I started this process in November with an expected timeline of maybe 2 months...we are way beyond that now and my assessor (sweetheart and patient though she is) drives me bonkers with her response times. Like ma'am...I told you schedule maintenance is a thing I have a physical reaction to and this is just [pterodactyl screech here]. ***

Hurry up and wait.

Be kind to yourself. This will exacerbate and exhaust you.

I'll have more once I've actually gone through the assessment. In theory soon? But we've been saying "soon" for weeks now my primary therapist and I (she is not my assessor).

I just want answers to the question "Why brain do that?" so my therapist and I can better manage my tomfoolery and shenanigans but damn I'm tired.

Yes, I recognize that I"m fortunate to be scheduled at all and that i got into with the practice I'm going through in a relatively short timeline. The practices some of my friends were going through for their regular therapy quoted me much longer lead times to even do the preliminary sessions. I also recognize that my experience is not necessarily universal but boy howdy.

Why am I referring to this psychiatric professional as an assessor? I have no intention of receiving care from this practice long term. Their lack of communication ticks a whole new level of anxiety and stress for me across multiple levels.

Alright. I'm done now for this post.

M'k bai!

[gideonisms]

would ya say griddlehark typifies the adhd4autism pairing or is that an oversimplification or both? i love them

Quite possibly! I'm not an expert on the adhd/autism ship parameters. like what score on the RAADS test does a character have to have before it counts? how do the social and/or medical models of disability interact with a system where no one has our current psychiatric knowledge? Perhaps the most horrifying though tangential question this brings up: did john just make all his autistic friends necromancers?

There's a lot to consider here. If you mean do they have an adhd/autism aura? the answer is obviously yes

[juicequeen21]

hey. i need your help, and the only autism help blogs i could find had asks off. sorry if this is too much.

so in june i got a evaluation for autism and OCD. i was diagnosed with OCD. i was told that I "wouldn't benefit from an autism diagnosis" (exact words). a previous doctor told me i had symptoms we "could label as autism or ADHD" (thanks) and i had been running on the assumption that I was autistic for months to keep from spiraling. I have a terrible memory, and therefore can't say 100% that i had symptoms before the pandemic.

i can relate to a good deal of autism experiences.

should i ask for another test? just self-dx? pleas help.

i love your posts. light in skirt forever

Hey! I am so sorry I am getting to this kind so late. So there is a lot of things to consider here, so to start as you have already experienced it can be hard to get a diagnosis for ASD or a variety of reasons. I imagine what the “wouldn’t benefit” comment was about is I know there was some information spreading about how being diagnosed with autism could be potentially harmful to someone legally or in other scenarios. I don’t know how much of this is based in truth or if it is just fear mongering, it would be something that you would want to do research on.

Next, self diagnosing. Because it can be so difficult to get a diagnosis for a variety of reasons, I’d say for the most part it is fine to self diagnose. Yes people have improperly self diagnosed for whatever reason but for ASD I can’t really see the benefit someone would gain from pretending to have it. There are such harmful negative stereotypes, and almost everyone around you seems to have at least one nasty thought about ASD that I don’t know why someone would want to expose themselves to that when they don’t have to. Personally I am all for self-dx in most scenarios, I think the fact that you are questioning whether or not you have the right to self-dx shows that you don’t have harmful intentions.

As for the not knowing if you had symptoms before hand, once you learn about ASD and are diagnosed or even self-dx you start to let a bit of the mask down, so those symptoms become more apparent. You also start to realize your behaviors are the same and just your entire life experience is inherently autistic in a way. That shift of a constant mask to being able to let your natural tendencies flow freely is shocking and it makes you question whether or not you are just faking it because you didn’t used to do it to this extreme. The reason it was less so in the past is because you didn’t know what it was and were trying to hide it, not because it didn’t exist. After I was first diagnosed I questioned whether I had always been the way I am or if it was new, basically that’s a common part of realizing you are autistic.

If getting an official diagnosis would help you in whatever way you desire then you should go for it, but if you want it because you think you need an official diagnosis for others then I wouldn’t get one. If you relate to the experience even if you aren’t autistic at all you still relate and there is nothing wrong with that, we can still talk about our shared experience. I wish I could word all my thoughts better and I know its bad, what I want you to know at the end of it all is that whatever you choose to do should be with your best interest at heart and if that means self-dx, go for it.

[dropintomanga]

Manga Over Schooling

I’m sure there’s many of us who really dislike school. We dread going to school for all kinds of reasons. Even though education is important, the social structure of schools makes it hard to learn. An enlightening post on Aeon Magazine talked about neurodivergent kids and their struggle to learn due to overwhelming stimuli that a institutionalized environment like school often presents. The article suggested that what those kids need is something very different that standardized education. It’s a really good piece with a shout-out to manga.

The author of the post suggests that children learn how to direct their own education. They use an example of a parent whose child, after years of suffering in school due to a lack of understanding and sympathy about their autism and ADHD, discovered manga and the magic that happened afterwards. These are quoted from the Aeon article

“For Peter, who is now 14, it was about manga, graphic novels that originate from Japan. Emma told me how he came back to reading after years of refusing to go near a book because of his passion for manga.

‘He’s read manga about basketball. He’s read manga that has explored lots of social themes. He’s read manga about man-eating giants. He’s read one manga about ancient military Chinese warfare. He’s read a manga about Vikings. He can tell me all about these Chinese warriors,’ Emma said. She reflected on where they were now, and how much better Peter was doing than she thought he might in those dark days when she was being called into school every day.

‘I can’t believe I’m in this position. Peter is now doing a karate club. He’s doing a fitness session. And he’s doing online D&D sessions every week. He wants to go to Japan. When he has decided something is going to happen, there’s no stopping it.’

Emma explained how much it meant that she was no longer having to follow a school schedule for Peter’s development, which she felt had always pushed him into doing things before he was ready: ‘Over the last 18 months, Peter has naturally been asking for more independence – for example walking into town, purchasing his own books, making his own bed, but also increasingly organizing his day. Being self-directed, we can insulate against the pressure and age-related expectations, allowing for natural progression that is appropriate for them.’”

This is incredible to hear. I love what manga has done for this child. I know this just one of many, many stories about how anime and manga changed young people’s lives. Yet this is a story worth hearing for people with mental disabilities. I do feel that more than not, people with lived experiences are told to stay in their place even when they improve. Societal pressure will often tell them, “You can do whatever you want, but don’t show your problems or explain them at all.” You can still live a good life full of development and free of constraints. 

Children are also smarter than you think and I wish more adults take them seriously when they legitimately ask questions worth asking and express critically-informed opinions. I’ll argue that school is often a mental health hazard due to bullying from peers and the adults who are supposed to stop it. I feel bad for parents of neurodivergent children who have to put up with the BS bureaucracy that comes with institutions that demand children to be “disciplined.”

And yes, manga is good for learning. Reading comics has done wonders for me as a kid and even helped with my schooling. We’re in an awful time where manga (due to covering topics that are considered “controversial”) is a huge target for being banned in certain parts of the world. It’s an attack on imagination and possibility. Those two things don’t necessarily grow in a school setting.

There’s more to a child’s life than school and I hope more eyes are opened to that idea just like how manga opens up reader’s eyes to alternative ways of living life.

[love-bokumono-fics]

WIP Wednesday - Trio of Towns

Trio of Towns has no shortage of wonderful works that are in progress. Some of them I know are years in the making and I always look forward to an update.

So here's hoping you find a new story to love!

If you're reading or writing a Trio of Towns WIP that didn't get featured today, please feel more than welcome to drop it in the Submission box and share with the rest of us! (When I only share 10 fics at a time, there's always something that's bound to be missed.)

Two in One - by PineconeTheKitten; WIP, 1/?, 1.3k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationships: Ford/Wayne, Female Farmer/Ford, Female Farmer/Wayne; Characters: Female Farmer, Ford, Wayne, Dessie, Inari, Witchie

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Magic Revealed, Gods, Goddesses, Spirits

Summary: Ford and Wayne were once two people. Now they aren't. Holly doesn't know what to do. As it turns out, Ward is pretty into Holly, and she into him.

Two Individuals in Love can be Asexual, a Case Study - by chickadeequill; WIP, 1/?, <1k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Farmer/Ford; Characters: Ford, Female Farmer, Wayne

Additional Tags: Asexual Relationship, Romantic Fluff

Summary: After years of painstakingly avoiding romance, the town's eligible and single doctor Ford finds himself facing a simple question: is there room in his life for love? It seems the hardworking farmer just past the crossroads is still single as well, and Ford just can't figure out why she keeps declining advances from the other eligible singles in all three towns.

Watered-Down Ideals - by LemWrites; WIP, 3/?, 4k

Rating: Not Rated; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: M/M, Multi

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Relationships: Farmer/Ludus; Characters: Original Male Character(s), Frank, Megan, Hector, Colin, Noel | Noelle

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Fluff, Self Confidence Issues, ADHD, I gave a farmer adhd and anxiety, this may have more projection then intended

Summary: Join Steve, the newly appointed farmer in the Trio of Towns world, on a journey full of; useless gay pinning, being a disaster, self hatred and more!

Earth and Rebirth - by TheBeckster; WIP, 17/?, 66k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: Multi, Gen

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Characters: Holly | Nanami, Frank, Marlena, Wayne, Ford, Lisette, Brad, Carrie, everyone

Additional Tags: Undecided Relationship(s), Additional Tags to Be Added, lots of headcanons, Minor Character Death, Eventual Friends to Lovers, I'm not going to tag every single character, but they will all have a part in the story, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, New friends and found family, world building, Angst with a Happy Ending, Holly is an extrovert, endgame ship tbd, Cover Art

Summary: Holly considered herself fortunate to be living about as close to the dream as any young twenty-something could. A great family, a loving husband, and well, she'd admit their apartment was awful, but they'd be moving onto bigger and better things soon enough. She truthfully couldn't wish for more. But when an accident rips it all away from her, Holly finds herself seeking a change of scenery. Her Uncle's farm out in the middle of nowhere is the perfect place for her to hide to mourn. A familiar story with a twist or two.

Fire and Dew - by Juliko; WIP, 9/26, 73k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Yuzuki/Original Character(s)

Characters: Original Female Character(s), Yuzuki, Sumomo, Lisette, Colin, Wayne, Brad, Carrie, Shizu, Yaichi, Tatsumi, Omiyo, Umekichi, Lynn, Marlena, Daryl | Darius, Ittetsu, Moriya

Additional Tags: farming, Slice of Life, Drama, Family Drama, Family Issues, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Original Character(s), Major Original Character(s), Female Character of Color, Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Friendship/Love, Past Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Romance, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Humor, Eventual Happy Ending, Comedy, Friends to Lovers, Adoption, Sick Character, Lulukoko characters won't appear in this fic, Falling In Love, Dorks, Ableism, Happy Ending, Romantic Fluff, Break Up, Past Relationship(s), Cows, Chickens, Sheep, Rabbits, Flowers, Stimming, Family Fluff, Bisexual Female Character, Pansexual Character, Lesbian Character, Children, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma

Summary: For as long as she could remember, Harper Leigh Maxwell's dream has always been to become a farmer, but her father's job makes it hard to do so, since it involves lots of moving. After graduating from college, she finally decides to take a chance and get her own farm. She's determined to make the most of this opportunity and do what she's wanted. In the process, she makes new friends, learns many new things, and faces many hardships. One of the friends she makes is Yuzuki Fujiwara, a mellow, sweet natured man from the town of Tsuyukusa who doesn't have the best constitution. The two of them form a strong connection that may even end up blossoming into love. But Harper's past might make things complicated, and when it threatens to catch up with her, she may find herself facing the demons from her pre-adoption early childhood. This is the story of two different people, with different interests, passions, and paths in life, walking the same dirt road every day...

Tiny Steps to Big Leaps - by Distracteddiddlin; WIP, 29/?, 28k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: Other

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Ford/Holly | Nanami; Characters: Ford, Holly | Nanami, Brad, Wayne

Additional Tags: Fluff, Developing Relationship, surprise parenting, rating and tags will update, NB Farmer, Idiots in Love, Wet Dream, Love Confessions, oh it's fucking started now, Mildly Dubious Consent, for like the smallest split second

Summary: Me while writing this months ago: what if I did that that Ford/farmer fic again but with a twist? Basically it's what if Ford accidentally became a single dad after the farmer meets him

Stranded - by TheBeckster; WIP, 2/?, 4k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: Gen

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Relationships: Ludus & Siluka, Ludus & Iluka, Iluka & Siluka; Characters: Ludus, Iluka, Siluka, Tototara, Zahau, Caolila

Additional Tags: all aboard the childhood trauma boat!, Pre-Canon, Peril, Wilderness Survival, Mild Blood

Summary: Desperate for an adventure to break up the interminable boredom of a long summer, three kids set to the high seas and get way more adventure than they ever hoped for or wanted. AKA: Let's explore the Lulukoko Trio's shared childhood trauma!

Trio Of Towns - Figuring Out Love - by vampireprincess624; WIP, 6/?, 5k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: Multi

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Ford/Pixie; Characters: Ford, Pixie, Wayne, Brad, Lisette, Carrie, Noelle, Colin, Miranda, Frank, Megan, Hector, Other(s)

Summary: Pixie Fawn is left with a mess she has to sort out after leaving Ludus at their wedding because Ford, who had been away for seven months, appeared as a guest. But how is fixing things with the stubborn doctor more difficult than sorting things out with her ex husband-to-be? Are they destined to be friends or will their stronger feelings for each other lead to love? A lot of Ford/Pixie scenes where they figure out their love for each other. This is Part 3 to my series, Life In The Towns, and I strongly advise you read Part 1 (or at least the last few chapters) before this, but it should still make sense anyway. Hope you enjoy :)

The House That We Built - by CherryQDoodles; WIP, 2/?, 8k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationships: Holly | Nanami/Ludus; Characters: Ludus, Original Characters, Lulukoko Villagers, Westown Villagers, Tsuyukusa Villagers

Additional Tags: Slow Burn, story building, Learning from the Past, Tons of fluffy moments, farmlife shenanigans, Festivals, Romance, Dark skinned MC, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: Nicola knew as soon as she was able to talk that she was very different from the family she was raised in. From her dark skin to her snow white hair she stuck out as the black sheep, but she loved them like they were her blood, and vice versa. But Nicola always dreamed of wanting more: to become a farmer. Growing crops, raising animals and everything in between! She just had to convince her father that she could handle the hard work within two years time. Follow Nicola's journey to becoming the best farmer she dreams of, and her adventures in the Trio of Towns!

Ford's Roses - by thelighthouse33; WIP, 5/?, 3k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandom: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Farmer/Ford; Characters: Ford, Female Farmer, Wayne, Megan, Frank, Miranda, Carrie, Brad, Lisette, Noel | Noelle, Colin

Additional Tags: My First Work in This Fandom, better late than never, Ford x Holly, Story of Seasons Trio of Towns, Harvest Moon - Freeform, Gaming

Summary: This is a story of how the doctor of Westown, in charge of The White Capsule Clinic, falls in love with the new farm girl...

[ingravinoveritas]

Hello! So I recently found out I have adhd and I’ve been doing a lot of research lately and it could be just my need to relate everything about myself to my interests but I noticed some adhd traits in David? But this is just from what I’ve observed in interviews and whatnot and I’m in no way a specialist, however I know you know a lot about neurodivergency and autism and since autism and adhd have a lot of overlap, you might be able to tell me if I’m correct in my hypothesis? Obviously we can’t know for sure, but you probably could make a much more informed assumption than I could. Thank you for all your work and being so so lovely! Xx

Hi there, Anon! This is such a sweet message, thank you! I truly did not expect this at all, and I’m honored that you felt comfortable enough to ask me such a personal question.

I do want to offer a few caveats and things to keep in mind before I dive into my answer, though. The first thing is that most of my ideas about David have been shaped through the lens of him with Michael Sheen. After watching Good Omens, I became a fan of Michael’s, having initially been drawn more to him. I gradually also became a fan of David’s and started watching him in interviews and such--but I don’t consider myself an expert in all things Tennant, and still tend to defer to my lovely friends @faggghaggg and @fckedupnerd​, who have had much more experience and acquired wisdom observing David on his own.

The second thing is that while I do have knowledge of neurodiversity, I can only speak from my own experience, which has mainly been with autism and not ADHD, so I am also hypothesizing and making educated guesses. But I want you to know that no matter what I or anyone else say about David, it absolutely does not invalidate your feelings. You have every right to see David as you do, and my opinion does not make me right or you wrong. I know it can be difficult not to let the things other people say define you, but you are the only one who can decide who you are.

All that being said, it’s important to mention that, like autism, ADHD is a spectrum. Some people have fewer support needs and are not as affected by their ADHD (for a variety of reasons)...and some people have much greater support needs and are profoundly affected by their ADHD. Also, the longer people are in the world, the more they tend to develop coping strategies, and with David both being nearly 50 years old and in the business that he is in, I feel like he has learned many way to either cope with or compensate for behaviors and actions that could be perceived as ADHD.

The difficulty for me is that what I have seen a lot of in David is enthusiasm, and I am not sure how to differentiate that from ADHD. David gets really, really excited about certain things--interests and hobbies that he loves--and there are many instances where that excitement manifests as hyperactivity. One immediate example that comes to mind is of course Doctor Who, and how he seemed to bounce with energy just at being on the set and having the opportunity to live out his childhood dream. Another example is his appearance on The Graham Norton Show a few years back, when he was promoting Much Ado About Nothing with Catherine Tate, and this adorable moment ensued:

He’s trying to remember his next line from the passage that Graham has just read, and quite literally jumps up onto the couch, bouncing about and looking at her frantically as he does so. And what this translates as to me is that David seems to use his entire body to process certain things. Whether he’s excited, or nervous, or anxious, or even sad, the energy he feels fills him up, and he has to let it out somehow or he’ll just explode (metaphorically speaking).

Another additional challenge is that I feel like David has also spent years suppressing and tamping down on that response, that hyperactivity. There was something he talked about in an interview with Stephen Mangan from about a month ago, where he confessed three “bad” things that he’s done in his life, and one of them was an incident in primary school where he was getting laughs from his classmates while trying (and failing) to tie a tea towel on his head. He was thoroughly enjoying the growing laughter that each attempt garnered...right until his teacher said “David John McDonald, sit down and stop showing off.”

This happened when he was five years old, and it affected him so profoundly that he still remembers it to this day. But it also started a pattern, which I think has threaded its way through his life, of “Don’t do this, mustn’t react like that, it’s not proper. Behave yourself.” More interestingly, there seem to be people in David’s life who are a continuation of that pattern--discouraging his enthusiasm, his hyperactivity, and any outward expression of that energy. And then there are people who are a disruption of that pattern--who encourage David to be open and passionate and share that energy wherever possible.

I think that’s why I love David with Michael so much, because Michael is the latter. Michael is a “man of enthusiasms” himself (as David described him on his podcast), and he has created a safe space for David to share that full body response freely, without any fear of shame or judgment. I also think it’s why David and Michael are so able to take the piss out of each other, because of that safeness and the love and trust between them. I don’t think David has many people he can do that with, so for that reason (and many others), I’m very, very glad that he and Michael have each other.

So I think there are elements to David’s behavior that could be construed as ADHD, but to what degree and how much they overlap with his enthusiastic nature combined with his instinctive tendency to downplay/hide it makes it hard to say. I hope this has helped to answer your question, Anon, and I wish you all the best in your journey with your new diagnosis. Thanks for writing in! x

[astyle-alex]

Common Sense Meets the Autism Spectrum:

| a Parental Aide for ALL |

Last month was Autism Awareness Month, and in honor of that I've whipped up a little Parental Aide to help all grown-ups understand neuro-divergence a tiny bit better. I meant to post it here during the last week of April, but I forgot because of the craziness with Finals... But since Autism and neurodivergence doesn’t just magically go away at the end of April, here’s a little skim of it now:

I've recently been chatting with  a new consultation client / parent whose child has been recently diagnosed with Autism, and it got me thinking about the unfortunate nonsense surrounding the entire societal black hole of neuro-atypical / neuro-divergent presentations, especially in 'unusual' cases.

The first thing that needs to be said is IT'S A SPECTRUM, and it's honestly a comprehensive population spectrum, which means that EVERYONE IS ON IT.

Yes, say it with me: Everyone is on the Autism Spectrum.

From being perfectly, generically neuro-typical humans to rage-murder psychopaths to non-verbal, high-physical autistic kids to sociopathic con-artists. It's a SPECTRUM.

Accepting that is the first part of understanding it. And it's sometimes helpful to know in order for parents still in diagnosis shock to have something that reconnects them to their child.  If you've recently received  a diagnosis and you've dissociated at all, or know someone who is in that situation, knowing that the parents and the child involved are both still on the same spectrum, can help.

(It's a sense of cohesion and sameness that parents dream up for offspring, and can be problematic if over-done, which is why parents sometimes force their hobbies / goals onto children or react poorly to LGBTQ+ explorations / self-discoveries, both of which are fodder for plenty of other posts).

Once the spectrum is accepted, we can move on to understanding it better, and to diagnosing attributes of it that are affecting  our lives.  Knowing these attributes can help us navigate them, even in a capacity where the effect of them is not so severe that we call it a neurodivergence.

There's a stigma with mental illness, and autism is a trigger word regarding that, but it shouldn't be. We don't (as much, any more, at least) shame people who don't have clinical anxiety, but still exhibit crowd skittishness or phone distress or choice paralysis. And, honestly, mild autism frequently presents as anxiety, in our current popular understanding, as it's often limited to one or two aspects of life that provoke dramatic aversion responses where as actual, general anxiety is usually a more evenly distributed with lower-key hesitance / avoidance.  Mild autism also presents as ADD / ADHD (and in my opinion the ADD / ADHD diagnosis tools are essentially boiling things down to 'not a psychopath but probably autistic, but not like the autism in in the popular imagination').

We accommodate the small symptoms of both autism and anxiety, adjust what we can and power through what we can't.

That adjustment is a lot easier when we know the triggers for the distress.

Now, the scaling systems I'm about to share are not professional, not part of the DSM, and not a tool of formal diagnosis. Consult a licensed professional before taking any big steps, but take a look at these scaling systems to help start a conversation (even if it's only with yourself). I might have another post on adjustment strategies, because these don't really address the links between presents-as-anxiety and autism, but for now, we're just gonna look at how to start asking questions and how to wrap your brain around the biggest bit of the autism concept.

Again, none of this is a diagnosis or a practical guide on how to cope, but it is helpful to be generally informed enough to start recognizing issues / asking questions about what else might be affected by a given  place on a scale.

So, Autism is a spectrum, right?

Well, technically, it's multiple spectrums.

There are several sub-spectrums that layer over each other.

The crux of it, the most basic version specific to autism, is this:

Understands Emotion  --  vs  --  Does NOT Understand Emotion.

Now there are varied layers of that, such as  'displayed' emotion (like in facial expressions), or 'tonal' emotion (like voice tones), or even  'conceptual' emotion (as in the basic cause / nature of emotionality).

Plenty of kids understand Tonal Emotion (hearing and recognizing the difference between Mum is angry and Mum is happy), but not Conceptual (this is called being young, and usually gets grown out of as kids actually experience {and label} more emotions, the process starts at age 3 or 4, but honestly continues for most of life). Or kids may be able to hear tonal changes and interpret them accurately, but they don't read faces well (this is either a significant indicator of some sort of disconnect or, can indicate that the facial expressions they have seen shift do not shift in a way that is consistent with tonal changes {like if a parent is angry and tries to hide it with a smile}.). Some kids can track the changes in tone and expression but can connect them to a concept (such as 'fear' which doesn't develop as a concept to children until about age 5~7, even in horror-story situations, like children in warzones, only get a really nuanced concept fear a year or two earlier).

The second BIG scale to assess things on is intro- or outro-spective, and it's a 2-for1:

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OWN emotions  

--  vs  --

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OTHERS' emotions

AND misunderstands or understands the CAUSES of emotions in self / others, and why those causes and interpretations may be different for various individuals (which requires understanding the concept of there even being varied individuals, a process that ).

This is the line between "I like it, so others DO" vs  "I like it, so others MIGHT", that is difficult for young children. Having a distinct sense of a separate self is actually a complicated psychology process, and it takes over a year for most infants to even recognize that they have a reflection. If understanding the self/others division stays extremely difficult passed age 7-ish, we maybe should look more closely. But at the same time, it's rarely before that 5~7 range when kids begin to understand that shopping for a birthday present for a friend involves thinking about what the friend would like, and not what the kid themselves like.

And there's still gonna be moments of grown-up fan-rage at why don't people ship my ship?,  but all we might wanna do is limit time on Reddit or Tumblr when in anxiety mode.

The final BIG spectrum used in understanding these autism specific neuro-disconnects is one that revolves around concern for the disconnect:

Does not fully understand all aspects of Emotion and CARES that they don't.

--  vs  --

Does not understand and does NOT CARE.

This disconnect leads to Performative Emotion, which means acting the part of emotional responses without a full understanding of all aspects of them. Sometimes this is good, as in exhibiting quiet displeasure even though I think this warrants screaming because, I don't wholly understand what I or others feel, but I do understand the appropriate  / expected response. It can also be very bad, as in someone who understands the emotional response to pretend to have when a pet dies and is aware that doing so can cover that the pet was killed intentionally by said someone.

The last relevant spectrum isn't one that most people find critical, but I think it's important to delineate this one from the caring aspect. The previous note is specifically about caring in regards to the subjects understanding of emotion--and exclusively their understanding of emotion.

It is not a measure of concern for other respects of life, that spectrum is:

Sympathy   --   vs   --   Empathy

Now, defining terms is important here.

- Sympathy = care for how others feel

- Empathy = understanding / comprehension of how others feel

Someone who self-refers as an 'Empath' is actually expressing a high sympathy response, as in, I understand your pain so well, I feel it myself. What they mean to say, is that they understand the feeling and its causes well, and they care so much that they cause themselves to experience it.

This is also the line between Sociopaths and Psychopaths, as most people know it. The truth is a lot more nuanced, but basically, a Sociopath often lacks Sympathy, but has Empathy, where a Psychopath most often lacks both.

A Sociopath understands that they have a disconnect, cares that they do, and hides it by performing the emotive responses they are aware are appropriate (for the most part, occasionally making some exceptions due to exhaustion with the performance, or a lack of genuine care allowing for selective exploitation--making them great sales people / CEO's / business people / lawyers / writers / con-artists / Sherlockian private detectives etc).

A Psychopath either doesn't understand they have a disconnect, doesn't care that they do, or both. They rarely perform emotions and therefore often draw people in who feel trapped and in need of counter culture. They make great cult leaders, but not much else (occasionally business people, but some of them are cult leaders by a pseudonym). They truly CANNOT conform, and that can be seductive / freeing to others, but they also cannot conceive of anyone who decides to follow them ever changing their mind or not experiencing exactly the same  emotions / emotive responses to stimuli as they do.

BOTH are considered extreme presentations of their respective trait.

People with both very high and very low sympathy get exhausted around others.

Because experience other's emotions or pretending to care about others' emotions is HARD. It's work and it's exhausting on both ends.

People with both very high and very low empathy get anxious in not being around others for prolonged periods.

High-Em usually worries over current states (ie, what if something happened to them or what if they hate me now), whereas Low-Em usually worries over reunions (did I forget something someone else would've remembered, birthday, holiday, or that I was gonna bring you something we discussed).

And, as always, Presentations vary. HUGELY.

But sometimes, being told you're looking at an abstract a picture  of a dog, helps you spot the dog in the ink squiggles.

'Normal' isn't a fixed point, it's a range within every single subject presenting mild deviations that come together to form an average in a single person, and are then averaged again across populations.

Such data can always be understood better. And better understandings allow better accommodations to be made.  

Therefore, a given person's place on any part of any one of these spectrums needs to be assessed and reassessed constantly.

Also, if you're interested in learning more / supporting Autism Advocacy, check out a few more resources, but for the love of god DO NOT give money to Autism Speaks. Take a looks at THIS and do some research of your own! ^_^

Again, this is just a vague baseline, and it doesn't address symptoms like Face Blindness (in ability to recognize people by faces) or stimming (self-stimulation or emotive overwhelm release) or even environmental sensitivity (extreme dislike / like of certain noises, colors, light levels / sources, tactile sensations). Even so, it might be informative enough to start getting a conversation started and it'll be helpful for me to refer back to this one while making other Spectrum related posts.

^_~

For more on what I’m getting up to (and for more timely updates), check me out on Patreon!

[year-of-yes]

Rabbit Hole

There’s nothing that those of us with ADHD love more than falling down the rabbit hole of a new hobby. I’ve decided that my new rabbit hole will be vaginas. Queer vaginas. 

I’ve been exploring my sexuality more thoroughly this year, prompted by quarantine and my last year of grad school, to really lean in. 

I’m a serial monogamist and find myself with free time - my boyfriend is studying abroad for the next year - and we’ve decided to open up the relationship. Given that I’ve always been in relationships, or spent most of my pre-tinder years woefully sexually repressed, I’ve never just gone balls to the wall in terms of prioritizing MY sex life. For me. I’m a notorious people pleaser and just the thought of telling a guy on a first date that I was only interested in casual sex would have made my skin crawl 5 years ago.

But no more!

The first few months of my new found freedom have been a veritable smorgasbord of men WAY out of my league. Something about knowing I’m in an open relationship allows guys to relax and just have fun with intimacy. (Men are the worst.) Ive never been on smoozier dates, with nicer wine and hotter guys in my life. Should I ever become single again, I will probably just continue to pretend to have a boyfriend, because DAMN. I’ve started keeping an album in my phone of their tinder profile pics just so when I’m old I can look back and remind myself that yeah, I FUCKED. 

Part of this new exploration has been coming to terms with the fact that yes I like women, and yes, I’m not attracted to ALL women, and yes I have mostly hooked up with guys but YEAH, I was definitely bisexual. And that I should stop being afraid and just DO IT.

But like any baby dyke on her first foray into the unknown, I was like a traveler with a brand new passport leaving the country for the first time, blinking out of an airport to realize that I didn’t speak the language, and oh yeah, I was dressed like a tourist. 

Despite the wisdom in taking things slow, my ADHD impulsivity had taken over and like any good hobby worth hyper focusing on, I was determined that I would learn by DOING. I wanted to have sex with women. Now, preferably.

I thought hooking up with a woman for the first time would be as easy as matching with someone hot on tinder - after all, thats all it really took with guys. I casually started following more queer women on instagram, tiktok and twitter, paying attention to what I could learn, assured that on any given day, I’d run into someone at the grocery store or match with a babe on tinder who would sweep me off my feet. Because now I was ACTIVELY looking at women! Not passively checking them out!

WRONG. After months of falling for dozens of matches who never messaged me, or conversations that never led to plans, or plans that fizzled out, I pulled on my big girl pants and decided that I was going to be a woman of action and get.myself.on.a.date. I’m hot goddamn it! I was going to MAKE SURE they knew I wasn’t just another straight girl bored on an app. I WANTED TO EAT PUSSY.

 it might be time to introduce that in addition to my very noticeable ADHD, I also have much less noticeable autism. All that business about girls presenting differently than boys means that others rarely pick up on it - and I don’t feel the need to mention it unless I think it will impact our relationship, like with a friend or coworker. I’ve learned that mentioning it on dates doesn’t really make things easier, but thanks to years masking, I can pull off a first date no sweat. Continuing on to dates 2 and 3 can be trickier, but I’ve learned how to navigate those waters with men who, suffice to say, are rarely intuitive enough to pick up on anything. In fact, I would venture a guess that most people on a date with me consider me very extroverted. Nevermind that I’m too mentally exhausted to leave my room the day after a date. I talk a lot, occasionally too much. I often look bored or bitchy because resting autistic face is more exhausting to change than resting bitch face, so I make up for it by being overly chatty when we hit on any of my special interests.

I have NO idea how this will translate on a date with a woman. My instinct is to say that I am overthinking and likely it will feel like any other date, but then I’ve always found women harder to read than men, and found it harder to see how they read me. I was also terrified that flirting would feel different - what if I was giving off a friendly vibe, not an I-want-to-fuck vibe? Is it typical for women to fuck on a first date? Should I touch her to let her know I was into her? Or did the fact that I had gotten all the way from a swipe right on tinder to an actual date suffice in itself to let her know? These might not be the sorts of questions a non-anxious neurotypical person might ask themselves, but they are the questions that I had slowly built up an arsenal of information for over the last 14 years in my interactions with men - information that was no longer applicable. So I set about seeking out this information in a way familiar to most autistics learning information that came naturally to others.

Google! I realized that I know very little about the actual gay scene despite having queer friends. How do lesbians flirt? How do you pick one up? What is considered too forward? And how in gods name did you eat pussy? Because goddamn it I intended to be good.

I had heard the term lesbian tiktok thrown around and decided to see what was what. Mostly I found videos of 20 year olds with flawless skin making lewd tongue movements that were supposed to be sexy. After probably 40 cumulative hours of trawling tiktok I realized I had a type: androgynous girls who were beautiful despite dressing down and not wearing a ton of makeup. Then I had a real heated soul search with myself. Was I attracted to them because I…wanted to be them? Liked the way they looked and dressed because I too aspired to cool androgyny? A few more days on tiktok and I put my guilt behind me: I definitely had a type and who gave a fuck if it was sort of self indulgent.

I also refused to go back to a time when I was bad at sex. I consider myself a solid sexual partner, keeping guys generally out of my league coming back for more. Thats because I refused to feel self conscience naked, was an excellent kisser, an active participant, vocal about my desires and (most important for men) my ~enthusiasm,  and understood the power of delayed gratification. 

I realized that while I could read articles about eating pussy all day long, it would ultimately come down to what the other girl was into. I’m a proficient masturbator and know what I like others to do to me - but I wasn’t yet accustomed to picking up on the cues that women give about what they liked. I resolved that the first time I was with a girl, I was going to lean in to the delayed gratification. Focus on kissing, touching, necks, ears, breasts, navels etc. so by the time I came face to face with a vagina it would be so wet I’d have my work cut out for me. In a little vagina shaped cake. Why not just ask them, you say?? Because! I’m extremely awkward and don’t want whoever she is to know that I’m woefully inexperienced. Fake. it. til. You. Make. it. 

It was like being a horny teenager again: desperate for interaction but unsure how anything worked. I was googling phrases like “bisexual style” and “how to eat pussy without getting tired”. I read hours of r/actuallesbians, Tumblr posts and go magazine articles. Mostly I realized that I would be able to skirt through to some degree: I was a solid 6-7 on the attractiveness scale, willing to be aggressive and outgoing no matter how awkward it made me feel, with a roommate who could make sure I looked stylish and a can-do attitude.

Now all I had to do was find a girl I wanted to fuck, who wanted to fuck me too. 

[jeanjauthor]

Do you have any tip for recognize what your love language for giving and receiving please ? I have no clue due to being autistic / being from an abusive household / being the eldest daughter ( trained to pick up after others / serve since childhood ) . I don’t know what they are and it’s driving me crazy.

This is an excellent, important question to ask. You recognize that what you’ve been *taught* to do isn’t necessarily *your* love language.  With the background you’ve described, knowing this about yourself is super-important for *reclaiming* yourself.  (Also, I am very proud of you for facing these things.)

Now, I’m no expert, but I have observed a lot over the years, and thought a lot about the Love Languages, too.  So here are my thoughts: 

First, the big Caveat:  Your love language may actually be Acts of Service, but it’ll have been warped by the abusive constraints you grew up under.  This is actually worse than most people would assume--you’ve been forced to give what you would’ve given for free if you’d had a choice, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

Whether or not Acts of Service is your love language in the end...that alone makes it a consent violation.  Emotional consent violations are more insidiously, subtly traumatizing--not necessarily worse, but definitely more difficult to observe, confirm, confront, & recover from.  So finding out that your primary love language has been manipulated and used against you may be...disturbing...to learn.  (If you can afford competent counseling, I strongly recommend it--and yes, don’t hesitate to try different counselors if the first or second or however many don’t feel like a good match.)

It could be something else--with five major categories to choose from, you got four other possibilities.  You may have need to receive love in a different language from AoS, but have been taught (polite euphemism) to give love only in the one way you were demanded most often to express.

You could also have multiple love languages, and that multitude can express itself in different ways with different people. I myself am bilingual, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I’m lucky in that I was never forced to give AoS, but it makes it a little more difficult at times to know which of the two I need at any given moment, because it’s not always easy to tell.  Plus, there are just some people I will never be comfortable receiving PT from, though AoS is fine.

I even know of one couple who expressed & received love in all 5 categories, and both felt satisfied with each kind, making it difficult to tell if they had a primary...until I asked them how they liked giving & receiving with others. They had actually ended up unconsciously tailoring how they expressed love to specific other people (children, grandchildren) according to that other person’s needs.  Now, I’m not saying this couple is perfect (they’re drama hounds in some ways, and if things are going too smoothly, they’ll stir the pot a bit). They’re just an example of how you can receive in one language (or several) and give in other languages.

With that said, the best way to figure it out is to take the 5 Love Languages tests:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

These are comparative tests, always pairing up two different Love Language ways to express oneself and asking you to pick the one that more suits you.

There are no wrong answers.

As someone who is also on the spectrum colorwheel (I love the analogy a tumblr user came up for describing it!), I want you to know that it is not only okay to be unsure about your answers, but that you can actually get a better idea of your Love Languages by taking the test multiple times, and swapping out the answers you weren’t sure about.  Keep track of your scores, and whenever you run across a quiz that gives you point totals for each category, compare the point totals.

Why? Because not all those bilingual in Love Languages will be equally bilingual 100% of the time (or 50-50, lol).  More importantly, as you become more self-aware of your past habits and work to release yourself from their chains, the more your Love Languages may change.  It is also important to realize that you can become fluent in a language not normally your own, if you are emotionally invested in the person you are expressing that language to, and are aware of how they receive it & react to it--in other words, this is a very real case of “learning to taking pleasure from other people’s happiness.”

Also, as we grow and learn and change (which life makes us do simply by existing & interacting with the world), sometimes our Love Language(s) may shift a bit.  Again, this is perfectly natural and normal.  There are no wrong answers.

One of the ways that our Love Languages can shift is--after trauma and/or abuse--our ability to give & receive love can actually weaken, and even wither.  A lot of that has to do with being protective, defensive, in an emotionally hostile environment.  Some of that, however--as many of us have learned over the last handful of months--may have come about as a result of quarantine isolation. 

For those of us who already have difficulty with social interactions (autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), isolation worsens our ability to pick up on social cues, even to the point of having difficulty noticing social cues, which includes noticing LL interactions. And as with physical starvation, love starvation can get us reduced to the point where we no longer notice how hungry we are for loving interactions.

But most importantly, not everyone will have the same dialect, or sub-dialect, of Love Language.  For example, your LL may be Physical Touch, but if those who abused you constantly put a heavy hand on your shoulder, gripping it with bruising strength, being touched on your shoulder will automatically give you a negative reaction by association.

I personally don’t like holding hands. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But I am definitely an elbows-interlocked person, because that feels much more natural to me.  Or if you’re trying to give someone a Gift with that LL, the type of gift you give may or may not make them feel loved.

It’s like the stereotypical joke of the husband giving the wife a new vacuum cleaner for their birthday.  Even if Gifts are her main LL, the gift of a vacuum cleaner comes with a burden of expectations...and if her secondary Love Language is Acts of Service...?  Unless she asked for it as a gift choice (or spoke about getting a new one positively in some way)...that’s really not gonna be a good gift.

(Even then, offering to use it yourself to tidy the house so the burden isn’t 100% on her shoulders is going to be received positively by most folks...unless they have house-cleaning-based OCD, in which case, ask first, and work with them to accommodate what you can, to reduce stress in your partner. Also, some people might genuinely like things like a new vacuum cleaner if they know that the giver is aware their Love Language is Acts of Service, or bilingually AoS and Gifts...but again, if you aren’t completely sure...ask.)

With all of that said and carefully considered, you probably have a long road ahead of you, untangling your past from your present, and untangling your burdensome expectations from your actual desires.  But that’s okay.

Again, there are no wrong answers.

This isn’t a math equation. Your answers do not have to match each time you take a Love Language test.  Not even if you turn around and take it again five minutes after your first run-through.  And don’t hesitate to re-take it once a week or once a month, and ask yourself if your feelings about each question or suggestion has changed.  Just be in the moment, in that moment, and consider your answers in that particular moment.

It may even be helpful to keep a little journal, a .doc file or something, with your thoughts on the questions and answers on a given date.  Write down or otherwise make a note of any questions that seemed particularly important to you, or particularly ambivalent (in which case, write down both suggestions for later review).

Definitely don’t be afraid to go back over your previous results.

There are no wrong answers.

You are a living, growing being, constantly changing as you encounter new thoughts, new ideas, new situations.  When we look at this situation in that light...how could there possibly be any “right answer” without it being solely a “right now” answer?

Again, you have a lot to unpack, a lot to decompress, a lot to escape, a lot to re-explore once you can shed more of the burdens of your past.  These things will take time...which sucks when you want to know now...but that’s alright.  Again, there are no wrong answers, since what you learn today only applies to today.  Come back in a week, re-examine everything, and see how you feel then.

Whatever your Love Language(s) might be, I’m genuinely proud of you for being aware of the impositions of your past, and wanting to know what’s ahead of you for your future.  Just one last thought to consider:  Don’t feel you have to only ever give-and-receive in one specific Love Language, if you discover a particular one.

Bilingualism can help you and an important person in your life bond together that much more, if you know or or at least can guess fairly readily what their own LL might be.  My mother’s LL is Quality Time, and I interconnect with her through Acts of Service by choosing to do things with her, while being mindful to chat with her, joke & laugh with her, etc.  We could do chores together, we could go traveling together...the important thing is that we connect together.  And no, it doesn’t have to be applied to your own mother; your own family relationships are your own, and probably won’t be solved by so simple an answer.

Me, I’m retaking the Singles Quiz from the above linked website right now, because I just realized it’s been over a year since I took it, and I’ve been through a lot, emotionally & mentally, over the last year-plus...and that’s without adding the decade-long year-from-hell that has been 2020 so far.

Remember, you’re a living, growing, and thus potentially ever-changing being.  Sometimes that growth & change is to become more of something.  Sometimes it’s a change away from one thing and more toward another, or more toward a state of neutrality/equilibrium...and again there are no wrong answers.  Sometimes you may need to return to neutral equilibrium, so you can recover from the burdens of your past, regain the room to resume your true shape...and regain the room to figure out what that true inner shape (or Love Language) truly is.

*piles prepackaged hugs by your front door*

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of giving love, and you are most definitely worthy of receiving love.  Ideally in all the ways that satisfy your need to be loved fully.  Good luck with the tests--and I say that solely because you’re going to be ambiguous about some of the choices.  We all feel that way, on certain subjects on certain days.  Remember...

There are no wrong answers.

[washipuppy]

Where is my mind (this time)?

Personal stuff? On MY Tumblr? Yep, it's happening. I need to ramble, and where the feck else am I gonna do it but Tumblr?

I was supposed to go in for an Autism assessment today with my therapist. It's been constantly on my mind it all week, to the extent that I think I might actually ne worried about it, and I have no feckin idea why. It's not a test.

Anyway, it was cancelled and re-scheduled for next week. I took the day off work for it too, since it was gonna be a couple of hours, but I went back to work because I'll need to take next Thursday instead. So I guess I'm having another week with this oversized, unresolved question-mark dangling from my neck.

Background will (hopefully) be under the cut so that most of you aren't bothered by all this:

Background 1 - My therapist is kind of flakey. 

Like many people, I have a therapist that I picked entirely because I'd been without one for several years (since my last therapist retired) and I needed to do something about the tail-spin death-spiral my brain was in. I don't get to see them too often, because I work 8:30 - 5:00, 5 days a week and they tend to cancel my appointments on me thr day they happen, but I'm too tired and worn down by existence to get another one, so it is what it is.

Background 2 - I'm not trying to be weird, please stop calling me that. 

Lotta people seem to think I'm Autistic. Including said therapist, who I noticed was asking me the "Could this person be Autistic?" questions during our last session. Shortly after which I realised I recognised the "Could this person be Autistic" questions without the word ever being used. I've considered the possibility, but although I have a some traits that are associated with ASD (non-verbal episodes, repetative hand / body movements when anxious, low social situational/emotional awareness, eye contact avoidance...), I have a pretty intense imagination and I can be spontanious. If I decide I want to go shopping after work, I'll do so. If someone wants to spend time with me and I don't really have a reason not to go (e.g. a prior commitment or not wanting to spend a lot of money on something I won't actually enjoy), I'm gonna go even if it's last minute. Because they asked me specifically (General invitations offered to "the group" don't elicit this, and I'm way more likely to bail on those) and I want to keep being asked to go to things; If I say no too often, people will just stop inviting me to things. So if I'm asked to go see a band or an expo or whatever and the cost isn't too bad, I'll go. Besides, what good will it actually do me if I get confirmation that I am Autistic? It's a bit late for it to make a difference to my development, the damage has already by and large been done. I didn't see how it would actually help my life now to be diagnosed.

Background 3 - The culmination of a cascade of f**kups.

For a while, I've suspected I might have ADD/ADHD (just gonna use ADHD from now for this). It started on Tumblr, oddly enough - I follow several people here who also have ADHD and post bits and bobs about it, all of which make me go "Yes, that is a thing that is me." But I tried not to think too much about the growing idea that I might have ADHD myself despite almost everything I ever saw or read about girls having ADHD described me perfectly - From the childhood maladaptive daydreaming through to the mental breakdown in university and inconsistent job performance - because I think of myself as something of a hypochondriac* and It's trite to say "Oh, I've got ADD, I'm so easily distracted!" when the world at large is horrible and distracting. 

That is, until last year. See, I left a job I didn't like in 2018 and got one I quite liked in 2019. Thing is, even though I like this job, I'm still fucking up with an alarming frequency and I can't seem to stop. I don't know why it happens or how to make it stop, and I don't know how to make myself think or be more careful or even understand how I'm doing something wrong enough to stop. It's so incredibly frustrating and distressing to know you're going to fuck up, and to try to spend your time mitigating the inevitable**. The thing that made me think I should probably actually get myself checked out, however, was my partner. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, getting confused, been struggling to keep things right in my head - after driving across the city for an event that had in face been re-scheduled next week, my partner sent me a comic strip from the ADHD Alien that basically outlined my exact mental stateand life. It was his own gentle way of saying "I don't exactly understand what's going on with you, but I think this might be what its called". More importantly though, it's something that, if I really do have it and can be diagnosed with it, we can actually do something about it and getting it managed would actually help my life.

And now, the thrilling culmination...

So. I figure "Feck it, 2020 is the year of getting my brain sorted out or something," and I talk to my GP about how to go about getting assessed for ADHD. My response is more or less a shrug with a side of "Speak to a mental health professional about that." So I speak to my therapist. I know ADHD often comes with ASD, so I figure okay, maybe we'll kill two birds with one stone and see about getting them both assessed.

Turns out she was going to suggest doing an assessment for ASD as well. I initially thought ADHD was in that too, but nope - misunderstanding on my part again. So I need to get off my goddamned backside and track down a way to get tested for the thing that can actually be managed and mitigated, while my stupid head spins its wheels over the thing that probably won't do anything but confirm how different/ not different my brain actually is.

Whatever it is, I worry it's getting worse.

*On a related note, my partner's atitude to his health is so different to my own. I always think I need to prove that something is wrong to my GP before anything can even be looked at. For example, I'm tired a lot, to the point I slip into micro-sleeps / blackouts at work. We thought perhaps I wasn't sleeping well due to the hole in my face being a disaster zone, which I talked to my GP about. A blood-test later revealed that my iron intake was within normal levels, but it was low within normal levels (i.e. I'm not anemic, I've just got a low iron count). So I worked on upping it with more red meat and iron suplaments. No improvement, either in my being tired levels or my iron intake levels (And my sinuses are as clear as they ever get, which is still not good). So stronger Iron checks and a test for celiac disease that I still need to get the results for, despite the fact that I'm about 98% sure they won't show anything. Basically, I'm working to prove that whatever's wrong with my sleep, a sleep study will probably be needed to assess.

My partner pointed out that I could just... go do that. On my own. I don't need my doctor's permission to check to see if I have apnea or some kind of sleeping condition. I don't need to prove I have something that warrents a sleep test, I can just go get a sleep test.

**There's also the distractions that aren't helping. I'll always find something - I made so many paper roses until that was finally burned out of my system, I went through a pad of post-it notes in a few months trying to take down distractions and put them asside before re-focusing on the task before a minor hiccup interrupted that technique, I've opened new windows on my browser and immediately closed them because I'm trying NOT to get distracted, but even if I don't put an obvious distraction in front of myself, I'll stare blankly into space and daydream instead of focusing.

[moldybits]

Yeah I'm doing okay. I've taken the last two months or so to think on my mental health, and honestly I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never been formally diagnosed with anything, though I have suspected OCD in the past, but now I'm realizing that I fit the bill for a few mental illnesses, and that a lot of the behaviors I've had for ages could be symptoms, but I never realized until now. It's all just so confusing tbh

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been through many diagnoses and meds and nothing worked until super recently with Rapid-Cycling Bipolar II and C-PTSD (and most likely ADHD but that’s on the back burner rn). I had been constantly told I was just experiencing clinical depression and anxiety with my trans dysphoric my entire life but... that wasn’t it. At all. I think my meds are working now but I can still have psychotic symptoms on them since they only treat my bipolar depression so 🤷🏻‍♂️ we will see

My partner went through so many doctors and they just kept saying they were “unspecified psychotic disorder” or something and the only confirmed things were 1) autism 2) psychosis 3) C-PTSD but it turns out that not only did they have those things, but the “unspecified” was actually Dissociative Identity Disorder. It took years to find this out... but it did happen and things are better. Things are a lot better

It’s extremely confusing and I wish I could say it didn’t take me long to figure out what’s going on, but it did. And I think the things I struggled with is telling doctors how I truly feel because I didn’t have the vocabulary for it. It really took going into every little detail of my life with a new therapist and she saw things I did not realize were not normal, and was immediately like “you’re bipolar” which was NEVER considered my entire life.

Spend time in the different mental illness communities. Ask yourself questions. Keep journals, even if they’re just random incoherent thoughts on a page with dates. Get symptom trackers. Like... don’t “obsess” over your mental health to the point of stressing yourself out, and possibly triggering whatever you have, but I find that researching is a very good thing. Something I suspect you’re already doing anyway, but still

Oh, and if you suspect something and assume it’s that for a long time and it turns out it’s another disorder... like don’t worry about it. This shit is confusing but it’ll all make sense one day. Well, kinda lmao I’m still figuring it out

I wrote a lot oops but I just got my bipolar diagnosis in uhh November and meds in February and recently started trauma therapy and this is after spending like...7+ years misdiagnosed. So I’m still figuring this out too anon. It sucks not knowing and I know how you feel but I promise it really will get better. Don’t give up, always feel free to message me btw

[theexistentiallyqueer]

Sorry to bother, but where do autistic and adhd brains overlap? Because both are neurodivergent (and beautiful, I agree) But how can I find out which behaviour belongs more to me being autistic (got diagnosed this year) and which is adhd? (No Matter What Deadline, after several years in hostile environment (failed university, then call center work) I panic. Hard.) How do I disentangle adhd and autism to find out what strategies to use to function better?

Please don’t feel like you’re being a bother, because you’re not! Honestly the fact that someone is coming to me to ask ADHD questions makes me teary-eyed, because I’ve fought so hard to learn to function with ADHD that people Asking Me Things like I’m a trusted expert just makes my heart grow three sizes, the opposite of the Grinch.

I’m probably not the best person to ask about how ADHD and autism overlap specifically, especially if you’re taking this from an autistic POV. And I’m also not a behavioral expert, which is a very strong preface. But I can (and am very happy to) talk a bit about my experiences with ADHD and how I’ve learned to make things work for my brain.

I’m going to put this under a cut, if that’s okay with you, anon. It got kind of long and I don’t want to overrun anyone’s dash. And you can always, always ask me ADHD questions, and I’ll try my best to answer.

My ADHD tends to manifest specifically in the following ways:

Extreme hyperfixation that has its own varying degrees (e.g., I’m really into Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I have so lack of interest in Byleth/Claude that my lack of interest feels like an actual void)

An inability to process feelings regarding things other people care strongly about that I don’t. If we’re using the same fandom example: I could rant forever about how Byleth/Edelgard gives me ALL THE FEELS, but if I friend I care about started to talk about Byleth/Claude, I would immediately lose all interest in the conversation and struggle to react in a way that doesn’t present me as a selfish monster who doesn’t care about the person I’m talking to.

I tend to monopolize conversation if I’m given the opportunity because I LOVE getting the chance to talk about my hyperfixations. If someone cuts me off when I’m really into a topic, I get incredibly irritated and have to try to restrain from myself from acting petty in response. The number of times I have smiled my mouth is a knife and said, “ANYWAY, as I WAS SAYING…” is beyond count.

I don’t recognize or remember people until I have something meaningful to associate them with. I also don’t tend to notice things that don’t clock themselves as Important in my brain. I usually describe this as “background furniture.” Even PEOPLE become background furniture. A girl I work with mentioned a person on her team had quit, and I’d literally walked by that person’s desk earlier that day and didn’t notice it was empty, because that person and the entire space they occupied was background scenery.

If something affects or touches me personally, it hits me Very Personally. I had a complete fucking breakdown watching the video of Philando Castille’s shooting, because I heard his daughter crying while she watched him getting shot and went down onto a spiral of personal loss over my own father to gun violence and started to immediately correlate the two. Separating ADHD brainness from my  whiteness is complex and hard and (said sarcastically) so, so much fun.

The direct inverse of that are things like: I’m talking to my mom, who’s telling me about a high school friend of hers just got into a horrific vehicle accident and is in the ICU. My mom then goes on to give me regular status updates on this woman I don’t know. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s surgery. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s family’s attempt to find an adequate rehab center. They find a rehab center, and my mom shows me how her friend decorated her daughter’s room. My mom shows me a video of the girl working with a physical therapist, who gets her to push herself upright with a walker and take her tentative steps. “Awesome!” my brain thinks. “Great!” my brain thinks. All of it spans over several days, weeks, months. I have nothing to do with this constant influx of information. I don’t know how my brain should file it. I don’t know this woman who was injured. I feel for her in theory because no one should ever have to go through that even though so many people do, but I haven’t ACTIVELY PRETEND like I personally am invested in the situation or else my mother gives me Concerned Eyes because I seem to be In A Bad Mood Today.

When it comes to organization, I tend to lean towards hyper-organization rather than hypo-organization. By which I mean I over-organize to combat the fact that ADHD often results in disorganization, and disorganization results in chaos, and chaos gives me COMPLETE PANIC ATTACKS. At work at one point, I had my emails auto-tagging every incoming email based on the email type, on top of tagging for my clients. Every label had a different color, and it all made sense to me, because I’d made it. When my team had cover my stuff on a day I was out, my inbox was such a horror show that it left them feeling drained and distressed.

Let’s talk about socialization! I have a rocky relationship with my childhood best friend. When I discovered social justice in college, I started picking fights with everyone over everything Problematique. The first major fight I had with my best friend at the time was because she felt I was over-aggressive towards a mutual male friend of ours. She was probably right, because I know the kind of bullying behavior I later developed. I thought I learned from it. After the 2016 election, I messaged her on FB, thinking I had a sympathetic ear, to say that seeing her mother post constant messages of support for Trump and sharing stuff dismissing Trump’s sexual assault allegations was particularly hurtful considering I’d told my friend that my mom had been sexually assaulted.. I’m not going to share what she said, but she wasn’t in the wrong. We didn’t talk for several months after that.

Speaking of her! When she started dating the guy she’s now married to, at one point I asked her if they’d had sex yet. I asked it because I thought it was a thing you were Supposed To Talk About as friends, and also because I was, in a way, morbidly curious, because I’m grey-ace and queer. She confirmed that they had, but I still felt so icky and uncomfortable about that for so long afterwards. It was only after I started to understand that I’m not cis and not allo that I really understood why: I was forcing myself to perform what I thought female friendship was based on how it’s portrayed in media, and it’s only once I began to understand that I’m on the ace spectrum and that I’m nonbinary that I really started to understand how forced mainstream conversations of attraction are.

I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud all the time! I live with my mom and I socialize with my mom and when we’re in public spaces and I’m talking about something that interests me, she always, always, always feels like she has to shush me. What makes it ironic? If there are other people being loud around me, I can’t function. I can’t process the noise. It’s EVEN WORSE if they’re speaking in another language, because if it’s English I can process the words at least, but if it’s another language, it’s just pure, inescapable sound that I know has meaning but can’t intuit, and if I can’t understand something, that’s as bad as dying.

From what I’ve read about autism, here are ways I THINK my ADHD traits overlap with autistic traits:

I can’t read facial expressions. I think I have a better concept of emotional nuance in facial expressions than someone who’s strictly autistic, but I’ll still panic when I see a smile that isn’t bland enough. RDS (rejection-sensitive dysphoria) will kick in. They hate me, they hate me, they hate me, is the track my brain will play on repeat until I’ve drunk myself into oblivion. Whenever someone smiles, I mistrust it immediately.

Eye contact is incredibly fucking frustrating. I understand that it’s expected, but it’s SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Why do we need to stare into each other’s eyes to understand one another? How can you people write whole treatises on the sanctity of locking gazes and finding an instant intellectual bond without realizing that eye contact that’s not called for is personally invasive?

I can’t understand flirting vs not flirting to the point that I’m absolutely paranoid someone is flirting with me, at which point I usually become hostile if I think they ARE, because DON’T FLIRT WITH ME. TALK to me!

I hate, hate, hate unsolicited physical contact. If I’m in a state of over-expression, I hate it even more. I’m not physically withdrawn, because I love hugs, and cuddles, and human touch. But when I’ve spent the entire day listening to other people talk and I have to walk into a room where people continue to talk, if someone touches me, it’s fucking No-Oh-One.

Someone is interested in a thing I’m interested in. We’ll use Persona 5 as the concept, because this honestly happened recently. I talk with the guy whose desk is across from mine about Persona 5 all the time. He’s also excited about Royal. I started going into my Sophia theory that I’ve really only lobbied at @softspokensansa. I could see, I could viscerally see, the interest drain from his expression. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA SO I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, and then afterwards I felt incredibly resentful that I was being filtered through a cookie-cutter drain.

It’s painful–it’s really painful!–to try to talk about my spiritual ideas with other people. I have a side blog I just started and am preppy myself to share, and I’m absofuckinglutely TERRIFIED everyone is going to write me off without looking at what I have to say. IT’S THE RSD AGAIN! Nothing I ever said has actually mattered before, so why should it now?

I feel, constantly, like I’m halfway between a point of reality and a point of something. What that something is is indefinable, but regardless of it, I exist.

I’d like to direct you to two very positive youtubers I know; I meant to do this earlier, but now feels right in terms of how I’ve written: How To ADHD and Amethyst Schaber.I credit both of them in helping me find a safe place with ADHD before diagnosis. There are stories other than yours that matter.

I wish you the best, anon! If you think you’re autistic and ADHD: given the comorbidity between the two, you probably are! And ADHD is just as beautiful, complicated, and misunderstood as autism is.

If anyone reading this can speak to living as both autistic and ADHD, please respond so I can lift your voice. And to my anon: you’re beautiful completely. I hope my story has helped you in its anyway, and I hope that you find yourself at a place of peace. It’s a struggle to get there, but it’s worth it, every step of the way.

[nunaya-business]

There Have Been a Few Times When My Dad Has Left Throughout My Life...

Some for normal reasons, others for mental illness reasons. All of them have left their mark on me and my brother especially.

To begin, my father has not had a good life. He was brutally physically, and I believe sexually, abused throughout his entire childhood. His mother is a munchausen bitch, his brother a psychopath, and his father an asshole. Mental illness runs in the family on both sides, though it's hard to tell which side it effects the most. My father started out with ADHD, or that's what the doctors have said. He got heavy into drugs when he and my mother first got together, and of course the mental problems plummeted from there.

Both parents quit drugs before I was born, and my father went overseas to Iraq. He was there when I was born to give me my name, and left a few months later. I didn't meet him in person again until I was nearly 2 years old. I didn't walk until then either, but that's from a birth defect.

I don't remember much of my childhood with my father, because he either stayed inside at home or he was overseas. Having a parent or both parents in the military is shit, and in my opinion, abuse. Psychologists are always saying that both parental figures in a child's life is extremely important and, when both aren't present, whether from abandonment, death, or lack of interaction, it effects a child greatly. What they refuse to consider in my opinion, is parents who go into the military. That's abandonment. Period. I don't care if that parent is doing a deed for their country, you're risking your life, and deliberately not there for your children in the way you need to be. That's the tea sis.

My father broke his back twice in Iraq. Once when I was a toddler, and once when I was around 8 years old. The things he's seen and done mixed with his childhood traumas turned this man from mentally ill, to mentally unstable, to mentally insane is the span of nearly 10 years. The last time my dad came home from Iraq, he had gone up the scale of insanity to the brink. In case y'all didn't know, the brink before complete legally recognized insanity is Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Every. Single. Year since I was 8 years old, my father had mental meltdowns. It started with yelling, to throwing things, to leaving for days (and one time a whole month and my mom had to pick him up at a bar and send me and my brother to my grandmother's house for a week), to an incident in 2016 when my father officially snapped.

In 2016 only a few days after New Years when he came home from a doctor's appointment, he went into our kitchen, downed half a bottle of straight vodka, and started screaming at my mother. She told me to take my little 2 year old brother into my room, shut the door, and put on a movie. I did. I was 12 years old, and it was about 16 days from my 13th birthday that j was really excited for. I remember because one of my friend's birthday's is only 12 days before mine, and I asked mom to go to her birthday party that Tuesday.

I put on Disney Pixar's Cars, because that was his favorite movie, and turned the volume up all the way so he couldn't hear anything. I stood by my door, and quietly opened it enough to see because I heard my dad shouting and things crashing. I don't remember what exactly he was flipping out about, but I remember him throwing a wrench at my mother's head. He missed, and it hit the wall above the kitchen window, making a hole that we had to patch up later. My dad got the vodka bottle, and some guns from our gun cabinet, and tried to get my dog Krypto, a Rottweiler, to go with him. I though he was going to kill him, and the other dog we had, which was the last thing I had inherited from my grandfather.

He kept telling Krypto to come and help him kill the neighbors, but Krypto was hiding behind mom. Dad was scaring him. Since he didn't go with my dad, he tried to beat him, but my mom was on top of Krypto trying to protect him. I don't really remember much after that moment, I think because I either changed or replayed the movie for Little Brother, but I do remember dad stomping back the hallway towards my room, and mom yelling something like, "Don't you fucking dare!" And Krypto running after him, so I got my pocket knife from my desk and stood by the door ready to kill my dad to protect my brother. He stopped though, and I remember listening to his fading, pounding footsteps as he slammed our door shut to go outside.

At the time, my room was at the back right of the house, straight back through the hallway. I only had one window against the wall opposite from my door, facing the back of the house and the woods, but I still saw the brightness of the fire my dad had set on the neighbor's weekend cottage at the front of the house, across the driveway. I remember my mom going into what was the spare room (now my parent's room) with Krypto, crying, and talking to the police. When she knew for sure they were coming and my dad was outside emptying the guns into the surrounding trees and the cabin, mom came back, told me to open the door and gave me a hug. We were both crying, and my brother was asking what was wrong with us. She told me to stay in my room with Little Brother, and that she would come get us when it was ok to come out, then went back into the spare room.

My dad came back inside drunk and crashed onto the couch. It was quiet, and my mom had snuck outside to meet with the police to describe that she wanted him taken in as a mental patient, not a criminal. I had to pee really bad, so I knocked on the door five times because I didn't know where mom was. Dad thought someone was at our door, and told whoever he thought it was to go the fuck away. I snuck put of my room as fast as I could, went to the bathroom, and when I came back, the movie was halfway over for about the 3rd time, and I sat on my bed to finish it with my brother.

I don't remember what time it was, and I don't remember how close the movie was to being over, but I do remember men yelling to "get down", and, "come out with your hands up" outside the window. Someone looked in the window with a flashlight, so I took my brother, and hid under the top bunk of my bunkbed. I covered his ears and hid him under my blanket so no one would find him. The entire state police department came from around the state hours away, to my home in bum-fucked Egypt (aka a small hick town). My mom came in after a couple of minutes with a shaky voice and said "Todd, get up, and go outside now."

He replied with something like, "Christ woman", or "here we fucking go", and I peeked out my door one last time, to see my dad put his hands up, go outside and yell, "HERE I AM MOTHER FUCKERS AND IM GOIN DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY". They gazed him, got information from my mom, and left.

The whole ordeal that Thursday, or maybe it was Monday, night lasted 7 hours, and I think it was 2 in the morning by the time the police left, and we were allowed out of my room. My first question when I hugged mom was, "where did Dad go?" To which she replied, "the police took him."

I didn't go to school that week, dad went to prison for 2 years instead of a mental institution like he was supposed to, my mother was put on antidepressants, I was put in counseling in three places, (the pediatrician's office, a professional office, and school counseling) for severe depression and anxiety, my brother developed an antisocial disorder in addition to pre-diagnosed autism, and I was now in charge of taking care of the house along with my 2 year old brother like an adult. I didn't really have time to be rebellious, having only a short few months when I turned 13 where I "hated" my mother. But how the hell was I going to rebel? Not do the dishes?

... yes actually. I didn't do my chores around the house for a few months as a sort of rebellion. What else was there to do? There was nowhere to go, no one to run to, and Mom wasn't home long enough to fight with so... yeah, refusing to do chores was my way to rebel against my parents.

My dad's mom, the bitch in forced to call a grandmother, called child services more than 5 times while Dad was in jail for no reason. They blocked her number. She got ahold of dad's disability checks and used them for herself, and we nearly starved because of that, and from that fateful night on, I was labeled a psychopath by my peers. Good. I don't like those retards anyways.

That's the story of why I'm not very close to my father, why I believe going to the military is the appraised way of abandoning your kids, and how the military also fucked up my Dad. Because, if they would've done their job of an actual mental evaluation on their soldiers when coming home from war, my father would have gotten the help he needed, and lastly the reason why I believe in gun control. And with that, I bid you guten nacht.