#one of these days I’ll make a video essay or something about them

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

@rajghafa Hey there, glad you like the post! I’ve actually never met anyone else who’s even heard of these books besides me, so I’d love to hear more of your thoughts if you’re willing to share them.

As for your question about ableism, towards the end of the third book, main character Kelsey gets bitten by a shark and reacts in the aftermath like this:

(Apologies for the low-quality screenshot)

Apparently, people with amputations can’t find love or raise children.

Now, one could make the argument that these are the irrational ramblings of someone who just survived a traumatic experience. However, Kelsey walked off numerous other animal attacks earlier in the series, including getting mauled by a bear, so why is this one different? I don’t think the author put that much thought into it. Not to mention the main focus here isn’t the injury itself, but how it will hypothetically affect her love life, further emphasized by her boy toy Ren telling her on the next page that he would still find her pretty even if she lost both legs. That is the resolution. Not that Kelsey is being irrational, but that she’s still sexually attractive wife material no matter what.

Not to mention the casual sexism of it being a woman’s “responsibility” to get married and raise kids. Unfortunately, the misogyny is a much more common occurrence throughout the series.

I don’t think the author hates disabled people, but I also don’t think she bothered to consider how unnecessarily shitty and hurtful that was to write her main character saying. Just like she didn’t consider how to respectfully depict a culture she wasn’t a part of or if she should look up whether or not China still had an emperor in 2011.

@jelly-as-in-grape-concord made this for me

Tiger’s Curse book 3 is officially the worse book I’ve ever read and Colleen Houck is my eternal enemy.

[celestial-grls]

Midnight Snack - Kate Martin x reader

-Summary: Fluffiest blurb ever about Kate waking you up because she's hungry and wants company...like how could you resist her?

Tonight, you and Kate seemed to have exchanged roles. Usually, you’re the one who’s up way past your bedtime, reading or giving your rapt attention to a video essay you found. Kate usually is the one gently asking you to come to bed, and she never needs more than five minutes before she’s dozing off and completely snoring. Tonight, you got some shut-eye, nestled into the warmth of her neck with your legs tangled together under the covers. There’s a few days before she has to leave for a tournament, so you’re taking as much time as you can to be with her knowing that once everything starts up again, there’ll be a stretch of time before you two can really be together like this. It’s dark, yours and Kate’s dog is asleep at the foot of the bed peacefully snoring. 

“Y/N,” Kate turns over to lightly touch your face, whispering and trying to wake you up as nicely as she can. The small inkling of guilt settles as her eyes adjust to your sleepy face, how the top of your head fits right into her neck. 

“Y/N…baby,” Kate whispers again. This time you stir a bit. 

Through a slight frown you mumble, “Hm?”

Kate starts shuffling to trace some lines into your palm, another strategy for waking you up nicely. 

Her tracing the lines inside your palm feel so familiar, her automatic little habit to feel closer to you. She presses feather-light kisses to them too, waiting patiently for you to open your eyes. She’s so relieved when you finally do. 

“Kate,” you rub at your eyes, still half-asleep and gooey at how sweet Kate is trying to be while waking you. “What time is it, baby?” 

“It’s late. Like 12:30 I think?” Kate and you are fully facing each other, slowly blinking.. 

“Do you have to be up early tomorrow? Or can we sleep in a little?” You ask her through a yawn, you start to blink at her when she yawns back at you.

Kate couldn’t adore you more than she does right now, as you reach for your glasses from the bedside table so you can see her better and check the time. The strap of your tank top slid off one shoulder when you sat up in bed and she instinctively went to kiss your shoulder. 

“No, I don’t have to be up too early,” She doesn’t stop slowly blinking at you or tracing the side of your arm with her finger, constantly touching you to remind herself you’re real. 

You push your glasses up the bridge of your nose and lean down to peck a kiss to the corner of her mouth, “Good. You couldn’t sleep?” You worry about her, and you’re almost certain she knows that. 

Kate closes her eyes when your hair falls over her face, receiving your little kisses and breathing in the lotion you put on before bed. She’s going to miss it when she’s away in a few days. “Not really. Will you come have a snack with me?” 

She gives you this pleading look, her eyes big pools of warmth. You tell her, “I’ll do you one better…I’ll make us a snack,”

She automatically protests, “No, baby, you don’t have to. I feel bad enough waking you up.” 

“I’d feel worse if you had one without me,” then you get out from your side of the bed and wait for her to join you, “C’mon, no objections please.” 

Kate’s already tried to offer to help, but you refused. “You don’t think I can cut an apple or something, big shot?” 

“‘Course not. I know you can. Are you sure you don’t want me to do anything?” She’s lingering next to you as you chop the apple into slices and slide them onto a plate. You look up at her with her sleep mussed hair tucked behind her ears and her blue baggy boxer shorts rolled around her hip and her socked feet and can’t imagine wanting her to do anything but sit down and look as pretty as she does right now. 

“I’m sure. Now sit,” you’re doing your best to be stern. The truth is, you’re not the least bit bothered to be slicing an apple and warming up some peanut butter for you both to munch on right now. Any moment you get to share like this feels like suspending time, pausing to try and make it stretch. 

Kate does as you say and sits across from you on the island. It’s almost too much, the warmth of the kitchen light, you pushing your glasses up, the sound of your slippers padding across the floor as you look for chocolate chips. She’s watching you with her chin the the palm of her hand, feeling dazed from the sleepiness and quietly delighted by the way you assemble the slices and spread peanut butter on each one. 

You make a big show of sprinkling chocolate chips on a few because you know she loves them. “Ta-da. Midnight snack for Martin.” 

“Thank you, baby. My talented little chef,” Kate stretches a little bit before she starts chewing. Making an equal show of closing her eyes and nodding in approval at the snack. 

You lean closer into her from across the kitchen island and take a slice from the plate. There’s only the low hum of the refrigerator and Kate quietly giggling between bites before she says, “Think I made the right call, waking you up,” 

There’s about an inch of space between you two now, you close it to kiss her sweetly before telling her, “One time only offer. Don’t do it again, baby.”

[andy-wm]

I don’t think this is what he meant especially because Namjoon said he gets how he feels and shook his hand after. We all know Namjoon is single for a while now after going through a nasty breakup. Jimin and Jungkook’s bond is precious even though it’s now clearly not romantic.

He also said “Although I feel this way it’s not sad…” when speaking about Who. I think Jimin is strongly indicating that he has been single for a while. We should really take his words for what they are rather than trying to twist them into a narrative that makes jikook romantic. In the context of everything he said earlier in the video up until the Who talk it seems that he created Who to have the direct message of searching for his person. He was speaking about the song when he said that he felt this way. Not having those butterflies is what he is referring to when he says he feels flat, not sad but not exciting. Even if currently platonic jikook have a precious bond.

Imo these three sentences sums up MUSE and WHO perfectly instead of those essays wanting to connect it to jikook because we want them to be real :

https://x.com/jkyoongs/status/1814588120291287475

This is exactly what he told, meant and going through when he created this album. It's sad Jikook is not involved romantically but they still have a great bond given their trips and now enlistment but if Jimin is saying he's single without even feeling butterflies to fall in love then we have to accept that guys.

Hey Anon, thanks for this ask. Its so great to interact with someone who disagrees with me but doesn't have a huge chip on their shoulder about my views.

And honestly i can see that there are many ways to look at this situation.

Nobody can without a doubt claim they are romantic partners, just like nobody can without a doubt claim they are not. You and I have differing perspectives based on what we see and how we interpret it. We probably have different ways of seeing the world and different experiences of love.

And if one day we all find out that they were really just friends, I’ll shake your hand and, without screaming or crying, I'll accept that i was wrong. I hope you would do the same.

But right now, I don't think I am wrong on this.

Looking at the whole picture it seems to me that they are very much still romantic partners.

More like an old married couple with complicated and busy lives, but

Clearly still very focused on each other.

Clearly delighted with each other.

Clearly care deeply for each other.

Clearly spend a lot of time together despite being so busy.

Clearly attracted to each other.

Clearly physically comfortable with each other.

That's how i see it.

Am i prepared to die on the hill that their relationship is romantic? No, because I can't possibly know for absolute certain. Same reason i dont believe in god (although i think Jikook is more plausible than an old guy sitting in the clouds watching humanity like he's playing The Sims, just quietly... and yes bring on all the anon haters who are gonna want to thrash me because i'm an atheist).

But on the balance of evidence I'd say ...

they're still together.

Lets talk about MiniMoniMusic.

As for the Minimoni video, Jimin was there to talk about the album. It wasn't a conversation about his personal life.

He talked about not having excitement in his life, about his life being bland, and empty after suspending group activities. They hadn't been active as a team, and he was working really hard. It was a long time since he felt excited about something.

That sense of excitement was compared to having a crush and confessing his feelings. He said he can't remember the last time he felt that way, and the journey of MUSE was to make him feel excited again.

Tracks 1-5 were exploring the exciting emotions, like you would have when you're crushing on someone. That euphoria, the fizz in your belly, the high energy etc. That's what excitement feels like.

The crush conversation... This is the part that's throwing everyone.

He said he couldn't even remember the last time he had a crush, and Joon says I know how you feel and he and Joon laughed about that.

If it was because they've both come out of long term relationships (and we know Joonie's breakup was traumatic) why would they laugh?

They weren't laughing about being single, they were laughing about being OLD.

Remember what came next ... Jimin says the youngest in his band is really young so Jimin asked him about how a crush feels:

"Give me something since you're the youngest"

Because having a crush is something teenagers feel.

Jimin and Joon feel old, like they are a bit past having crushes. I believe that's what they're saying. And honestly, when was the last time you heard 30 year old men talking about their crush?

A crush and a long term romantic partner are two very different things.

At no point did he say he wasn't in a relationship.

+++++++++++++++

Edited to add a better translation of 'crush' , being one sided/unrequited love.

I'm not deleting what i originally posted because the reason jimin asked Evan is based on his youth.

+++++++++++++

One more thing i need to add...

In my experience, it's very difficult to go from being in a long term relationship to being platonic besties with your former romantic partner. It takes a LOT of work, and it requires energy, effort, and very carefully maintained boundaries.

Jimin & JK don't look like they're maintaining boundaries to me.

Based purely on the recent footage - the Are You Sure teaser they released - I see no sign of clear boundaries. Even in the Minimoni conversation Jimin says they drink and talk for 3-4 hours and it gets DEEP. That's a recipe for disaster with a former lover.

It also usually requires substantial time apart - YEARS maybe - to reset the relationship so you can be best friends without falling into old habits. We aren't talking high scool boyfriends who get the odd hour alone together here. We're talking months and months abroad in hotel rooms with nothing to do except listen to Lana Del Rey and... eat bread (apparently) 🤣🤣

Ok look, that last part was a tongue in cheek joke but they have spent YEARS under the same roof with zero reason not to be in each others bed, pants, shower, and anything else that sounds fun.

So honestly I don't buy the 'used to be lovers but now good friends' argument.

Those boys are comfortably intimate to such a level they don't know where one of them ends and the other begins.

[ouroborosorder]

Guide Ahead Means Something To Me

Writing about Guide Ahead is…. extremely difficult, for a few reasons. One is that it is a very dense story, and to fully unpack it would require an essay so unfocused that it would be functionally unreadable. But the biggest one is that Guide Ahead is a story that focuses really heavily on the subjective nature of interpretation. How can I speak authoritatively on the thematic meaning of the plot when even a basic description of its events demands a deeper poetic interpretation?

The answer is “I can’t.” So, let’s piss off my English teacher, and coat an entire essay in the phrase “in my opinion.” Because I have to get personal if I’m going to tell you why Guide Ahead is my favorite video game story ever told.

I was raised Mormon. My mother was religious, but my father was absolutely not. You can understand why I related to Cecilia basically immediately.

Ultimately, the thing that draws me to Guide Ahead is the very thing that makes it hard to write about. Guide Ahead is, in my reading, a story about the subjectivity of divine meaning.

The most obvious manifestation, and the most important, is Law. But, Law’s execution, in traditional Arknights fashion, is kinda unclear, so I’ll recap for those who have hobbies outside of this, unlike me.

Law is the supercomputer buried underneath Laterano, and is the sentient religion that binds all the Sankta together into a hivemind of sorts. The Sankta are actually just Sarkaz connected to Law, given halos, wings, and empathic communication between each other. But, the main thing they gain, is a biological impulse to obey the Lateran religion’s thirteen doctrines. Anyone who breaks these doctrines are marked as Fallen, are cut off from the empathic connection, and slowly revert back to Sarkaz. Law represents religion as a concept and a community. Saints and sinners are just one and the same. But despite that, the laws of religion are created just to perpetuate the existence of a special in-group. One enforced by empathic connection they cannot share with anyone outside of them. That is Patia’s point - the Sankta have created an “us” and a “them,” and even the devout Liberi are not seen as “us.” They’re just converts, not real Sankta.

But, Falling has… weird grey areas. Like how Andoain was able to shoot Lemuen, or draw his gun on the fucking Pope, and not Fall in the process. This is because the doctrines are not actually the guidelines they’re held to. The Doctrines are subjective interpretations of the objective Law that they are all beholden to. That Law being “It must survive.” Law only is interested in the perpetuation of Itself, and, as a result, the continued existence of the Sankta as a societal structure.

This is the first and strongest example of what I mean when I say Guide Ahead is about meaning. Law says that the failure of religion is ultimately that religions supplant any subjective meanings with an “objective” meaning. But this “objective” meaning is just another person’s interpretation of the in-group’s best interest. Laws biologically programmed into the Sankta’s souls are revealed to be nothing but interpretation of Law’s interpretation of events.

People Fall not because they have broken a concrete law, but because Law… because the in-group has decided they did. Or when they broke the rules, they did something that’s good for the church. There is no objective laws within the Lateran religion, no matter what the machine is named. The system just declares sin when it deems worthy, and absolution when sin is a benefit.

It is this very hypocrisy that drives Andoain.

——————————————————————————————————

I remember being pulled aside at church one day. Everyone above 14 was given a sermon about the recent legalization of gay marriage. He said it was wrong, the church would never accept it. I asked him if it was like the time the church refused to give black people the Priesthood. He said this was different. I asked him how. He did not answer. I left and someone followed me out. He asked if I was okay. I told him whatever he was saying in there was not the teachings of any god that I know, and wasn’t the teachings of any god that loves me. I kept going to church after that, but deep down, I think I didn’t believe in it anymore. I didn’t feel like part of the community, I lost that reciprocation with my people. I just… began to think.

Andoain, as an antagonist, is defined by a search for meaning. He was the bishop of an Iberian church, and Iberia is doing pretty bad lately. His request for aid from Laterano was denied, and the message was clear to him. “You are one of us, but they are not.” But that answer just created a new question. Why? Why would those who claim faith and utopia as their ideals reject those who are suffering?

He searched for an answer in exile, and he didn’t find one. Instead, he found another story. The Sarkaz man who died in the watchtower to warn a town who hated him of an invading force. And this story made his question develop. Why would someone who is hated by everyone give their life to protect those very people? And why would those people then cry over the grave of someone they hated?

He had seen the realities of the Sarkaz and Sankta laid bare, but he couldn’t figure out the meaning behind it. He tells Cecilia these stories, knowing full well he doesn’t know what to make of them. I think he tells them to hope he finds the point partway through.

——————————————————————————————————

As much as I hate the Mormon church for dear god everything they’ve ever done holy shit look at them? My feelings are predictably complicated. Years later, my family fell upon hard times. I don’t want to say more than that for my own sake. We were struggling to even live. But… the church helped us. None of us gone to church for years, but they offered a hand. They gave us access to the Bishop’s Storehouse, gave us food and supplies for free, because we were starving. 

And yes, I know. I know they do this in an attempt at creating a false brotherhood in an effort to create a fascist sense of community. I have also read that part of Brothers Karamazov. I have also read Guide Ahead, come to think of it. But… Shit. Most of them tried to pretend we didn’t exist when we met them in the grocery store. And… they still helped us. In their eyes, I was Fallen.

But still, they saved us, and didn’t even ask for faith in return. I still can’t figure out why.

This is why I just… can’t see Andoain as a villain. I mean, yeah, he shot Lemuen, but even she doesn’t blame him for shooting his friends while holding the Stick That Makes You Shoot Your Friends. His entire goal is an attempt to sort through the cognitive dissonance between what the church tells him and what the church does. A dissonance that is, because of Law and the doctrines, innate to what the church is. An experience that should feel damn familiar to anyone who has spent time as an apostate. His plan is to simply confront the Pope about this hypocrisy, to get an answer, to find a meaning.

The answer he gets back is… It Must Survive. Law must survive. The in-group must survive. It doesn’t matter if we cry over the grave of the Sarkaz, because the Sarkaz would die for us. He searched for the answer to a question, the meaning of a statement. You are one of us. They are not. All this time, he searched for the meaning of those words, but in reality, those words were the meaning. That was all they ever had to say. He just needed to accept that.

…but if the in-group is all that mattered… why allow Mostima in Laterano? Why give her her position? She’s not needed for the survival of the in-group, the Law has deemed her an exile.

And… Why not Andoain?

Before he leaves, his gun is taken from him. A gun that, according to the church, has meaning. A meaning he takes as truth. He believes a part of him is left behind there. I don’t think he realizes it, but Mostima and Fiammetta are the question he left behind. They are Not Sankta, but yet they are accepted. And… I don’t know if there is a meaning to that. I still can’t figure out why.

——————————————————————————————————

For a long time, I missed those days spent in the community I had left. I would remember the things I left behind. The churchball basketball games we were destined to lose. The conversations held on the roof of the storage building behind the church. The scouting activities that were clearly an excuse to go bowling. The shitty halloween parties with the game where you ate donuts tied to a string hanging from a fishing pole. I missed it, for a time. I couldn’t help but look back.

Cecilia is searching for meaning to almost everything. When Andoain tells his stories to Cecilia, he tells her that he can’t find the meaning of them. That if there is meaning to be found, she’ll have to find it herself. So. She does.

Cecilia was faced with the same situation Andoain was obsessed with. But for her, it wasn’t hypothetical. She existed between Us and Them. She felt the pull between the community and the love and fun they represent, and the outsiders who were hated and rejected by the people around her. Society told her the meaning of her dual identity, the meaning behind each half, and then told her to choose. But… she’d experienced otherwise. She’d felt the kindness of the Sarkaz from the Pathfinders, and the hatred from the Church. She’d felt things that contradicted the meaning that she was told was true.

Her story isn’t just being forced to pick a side between the church or apostacy, it’s being forced to pick what meaning she ascribes to the world. Ultimately, that’s why her answer can only be her own. Your belief is… subjective.

And she answered… with a bell. A Sarkaz girl, bearing a halo, ringing a bell that has not been rung since the Sankta were still called Teekaz. A bell that once marked the beginning of the new era. A bell that carries the weight of a Sarkaz, hated by the place they called home. A bell that rings with the melody of a Sarkaz lullaby once sung by a Sankta. A bell that asserts her answer. She’s not Sarkaz, she’s not Sankta. She is Cecilia.

Everyone else finds their own subjective meaning within that action. Something as mundane as the ringing of the bell suddenly has more meaning than divine scripture.

No one else understood the nuance of what she said, but they understood parts of it. They understood what they wanted to. Those who know nothing of Lateran culture understand it as just… a beautiful welcome, celebrating the arrival of talks of peace. Most have their meaning determined by the church’s traditions. The pious see it as the beginning of a new era, whatever that signals to them. To the Church, it is that their talks will bring about a new era of peace. To the Pathfinders, it is a signal to begin their attack on Laterano to begin their new era.

There is so much meaning in that action, but in the end, it’s still just a fucking bell. There’s got to be hundreds, maybe thousands of them in Laterano. But this bell meant something more than the other bells. This bell had meaning, and that meaning made it divine.

This, to me, is what Guide Ahead has to say. That there is so much meaning to be found in something as mundane as a ringing bell. Within such a simple action, there is personal expression, liberation, the sound of change. And in all of this, there is the echoes of divinity, the echoes of faith, as if all of these things are, in themselves, divine.

——————————————————————————————————

When I left the church, I couldn’t help but look back, still tethered to a community who hated me. I think I wished I could stop looking back. I don't know if I realized I was.

In the end, everyone else looks back. They still have meaning to be found in Laterano. Andoain looks back, a part of his soul anchored there by the symbol he was told to believe in. Mostima looks back, knowing she’ll return just as she always does. Fiammetta looks back, because she refuses to let herself leave. Ezell looks back, unsure if he will be able to return home after what he has found.

But… Cecilia doesn’t. She has decided that she is not defined by the church, or the meaning they try to give her. She has decided to leave Laterano and see the world outside of it, to explore the world around her and find the meaning for herself.

And the last thing Cecilia does is... defined by ambiguous meaning. She sees Andoain walking in the sunset - and a word appears to her. The title of Martyr. A title she doesn’t understand the meaning or weight of, but that she feels is appropriate regardless. A title that, to other people, would mean something more. But to her, brings to mind the saints she heard of as a youth, a word her mother told her was important.

The story is ending, and they end it with an assertion. Cecilia is finding meaning, and others will find what they will within. Perhaps even she doesn't know all of it.

A while back, during a theater rehearsal, I suddenly remembered a conversation I had years before I left the church. I remembered speaking with my friends outside of the chapel after a sunday service. My friend said a sentence that has stuck with me ever since. “I don’t think science goes against God. I think God uses science and math. I think those things are holy, because they’re… what everything is made of.”

I remember looking around the rehearsal space and thinking that if science could be sacred, then… so is this moment, now. So is my time spent with the people I love. This is sacred. What I missed, what kept me looking back. It wasn’t the actual religion, but instead… just belonging to something. So… I stopped looking back. In that moment, however fleeting it was, I had found whatever it was I needed.

—————————————————————————————————

Look. You probably had a different interpretation of Guide Ahead. This story is just… So goddamn dense. There is so much there that I didn’t even touch on. For the love of god, I just did an analysis of Guide Ahead and didn’t even really discuss Fiammetta?? What kind of hack writer am I? (I just… couldn’t talk about her without being more personal than I am willing to be in public.)

If you have an interpretation that is different than mine, that’s great. I encourage you to hold on to it, and hold it close. That meaning is yours, and yours alone, and that’s a precious thing.

Because to me, what I found… is that very idea.

There is meaning to be found in anything - and a meaning that is yours, and yours alone. All you have to do is find meaning. and the idea that there is meaning to the world, that everything has meaning not because there is a “true” meaning to it, but because we find one there, because we put one there… that makes everything feel… divine, to me.

So… wherever you find meaning, you can find the divine.

You can find divinity in a ringing bell. In a terrible cactus tart. A carnival game you know how to beat. The promises of peace around a table. A cup of coffee. A city you hate. A community you love. A flower growing near a grave. A weapon you carry. A people you surround yourself with.

Those are all… holy to me.

And to me… that meaning is enough.

I hope yours is for you.

[terukosnumberonefan]

Why I Headcanon J As A Trans Man: A DRDT Essay

As you know, I’ve made it absolutely no secret that I headcanon J as a trans man, as you can tell from the title alone. I’ve made at least 2 posts where I made reference to this (one being a joke post where I had J say “I want to be the first transmac absent father” and another saying “Someone give my man J some T and a binder”.) so this essay probably isn’t a shock to you especially since I made a post recently enough saying that I wanted to write an essay about this. However, I do want to delve into more detail on why I have this headcanon in the first place so I can show you my viewpoint since honestly as a trans man myself, I found J to be one of the most relatable characters. This isn’t meant to force you into having my headcanons, you can headcanon whatever you want even if it differs from me (Lesbian J Headcanoners I love you all so much, I love all the content you produce and please continue producing it, I hope your day is filled with your favorite hot drinks and treats and you get to play your favorite video game and watch your favorite show. You are doing the lord's work), but to me, that guy is a trans man and in this essay I’ll be explaining why. Note for the essay, for simplicity, I’ll be using they/them pronouns when referring to J. I usually use he/him when talking about my headcanon, and she/her when talking about them in canon, but I don’t want to confuse people. Especially since before then I didn't know exactly which pronouns TO use for J.

First bit of evidence, I guess we’ll start with their name. Okay this is probably an obvious piece of evidence that everyone expected, but even J themselves admit that they hate their birth name. First we see that they completely try to erase it from their door:

Secondly, we have J straight up admitting it at the start of chapter two. 

Obviously hating your name doesn’t automatically mean you’re trans, hell not even every trans person hates their dead name (for example, I like mine), but you have to admit, it’s not inherently uncommon for a trans person TO hate their dead name as they feel like it doesn’t fit them. We see that J gave themselves a gender neutral nickname too instead of going by Julia (that is even mistaken as a guy's name by Xander in the prologue when he thinks their name is “Jay” as in the bird).

For my next bit of evidence: We also know J changed a lot about themselves to be happy, to the point where they became unrecognizable from “Julia Rosales”.

And what sort of appearance does J decide to take up? When left to their own devices, what appearance does J decide to take?

(Fun fact, this comment is the thing that makes J snap at Arturo, tells him that her mom sucks, and that she hates the name Julia).

Yes, I am aware just because you’re a tomboy doesn’t mean you’re a trans man. I should make that very clear, I do NOT headcanon J as trans just because they’re a tomboy in canon. We know they hate feminine things and femininity because of their mother, and how they were forced into the role of a perfect daughter. But we know even as a KID they hated girly things. If you want some proof, here’s some Kid Art that the creator themselves made.

See how J is angry in that picture? How they were forced to look the way that they never wanted to look? That they were forced to be something they weren’t? That’s an experience that a lot of trans people have as well. We’re forced into the gender roles that we never wanted. People (usually our parents) have expectations for us that we can’t fill because we want to be ourselves and be happy for once. Even J themselves admitted they were forced into femininity their entire life by their overbearing mother.

As we can tell from these screenshots, basically their entire life J was forced into femininity by their mother. We can tell J resents her for it (well, they say it themself they hate their mom) and they resent the femininity that is forced upon them that it results in them hating feminine things in general (and girly girls). It gives her a “I’m Not Like Other Girls” attitude to the point where she straight up REFUSES TO BAKE because of her internalized misogyny. I'm not kidding by the way, for those who forgot: In chapter 1 Eden and Min mention that J refused to join them for baking just because she considered it too girly.

First of all J, what the fuck? It’s BAKING, that’s nowhere near the girliest thing you could do. It’s not like Eden’s gonna grab your hand and give you a manicure and pedicure when you’re WEIGHING INGREDIENTS OUT OR MIXING STUFF TOGETHER. Secondly, no, hating to bake does not mean you’re trans (Evidence: I am a trans man who bakes all the time. Hell it would probably be my DR Ultimate). I am simply using this to show just how bad J’s internalized misogyny got. He hates anything that looks “girly” even if it’s something as simple as baking. We also see throughout their bio that their least favourite colour is pink for "obvious reasons" and that they hate wearing dresses and anything "girly" and that they don't think any girly stuff is "cool".

Honestly, I hate to admit this, but J reminds me a lot of my younger self (I also got kinda pressured into femininity by society, albeit surprisingly my own mom was cool with me being a tomboy (I have my own mommy issues like J but at least I can give my mom that) but you’d be surprised how much the world can affect a kid). I am not generalizing all trans men like this, I’m well aware there are plenty who didn’t have a “Not Like Other Girls” phase, but you’d be surprised (or not) that most girls who did have that phase either end up being queer, neurodivergent or, in some cases, trans men (I ended up being all three). Believe me, I acted a lot like J back when I was 12-13 years old, constantly calling girly girls “bimbos”, thinking I was so much cooler for having guy friends and liking video games instead of makeup, and honestly I was just a huge dick back then, I would have also rejected anything SLIGHTLY “girly” like J did with baking. (Seriously when I first watched DRDT and saw that scene along with the Arei and J Free Time Event, my first thoughts were “Okay who let 12 year old me in here?”)

Luckily I’ve grown out of that mindset (Jenny, if you are somehow reading this I am so sorry I called you a bimbo about a billion times), though it started to tone down when I started exploring my own identity and then officially disappeared when I did realize I was a trans dude and I had all these thoughts because of how all this stuff was forced onto me (ironically after I realized I was trans, I became a lot more feminine). I’m not saying transitioning would help J, or that they’re trans just because they have a lot of internalized misogyny, but I don’t think it’s entirely wrong to say those two can be connected as well.

But yeah, someone let 12 year old me in here. Arei summed us both up in the Arei and J free time event:

SPEAKING OF THE J AND AREI FREE TIME EVENT, OH BOY!

Evidence number three, THE J AND AREI FREE TIME EVENT.

I’ve got at least two scenes that I saw and went “Oh my God you are trans J.” so here they are:

I like how J doesn’t question the boy bit. Honestly I’d be the same if someone called me a “Cool and suave wannabe boy”. Or I’d get dysphoric and anxious if they meant “wannabe boy” as in “You’re a fake boy”. Although Arei does later clarify the “wannabe” bit is for the cool and suave.

But speaking of Arei calling them a boy:

I know you may be thinking “Does that even prove anything?”. But honestly… yes. In my own experiences, I still get very flustered whenever I’m called a boy or when anyone uses male terms for me. And unlike J, quite a few people know I’m trans.

As an example of me getting flustered: Recently I was hanging out with my QPP and she said I was my moms son. You have no idea how flustered I got at that. It’s something I’m not used to. But I liked it. J’s reaction was honestly similar to my (internal) reaction. Also, they seem to be more denying at being flustered than being called a boy.

I know this isn't the universal experience for everyone, but when I saw J's reaction, I saw my reaction. How I felt when I was acknowledged as someone's son for the very first time.

Plus, as we’ve seen from previous screenshots, here we find out that J was forced into femininity by their mother and how they were raised before chapter 2 came along. Which I think a lot of trans men could relate too (not all of course).

There’s one more thing I want to point out, since I think I went over the main evidence on why I think J is trans, but this is something that honestly confirmed it for me and made me want to write this essay: Their hidden message.

As we know, all the characters have a hidden message on their profile pages. A lot of them have something to do with the characters (Example: Levi’s one is “I always believed that a person is defined by their actions alone. But maybe that’s just a poor excuse for my heartlessness.”, Min’s is “I wanted to save you.” and Charles’ is “If you forgot it, then it probably wasn’t important to begin with. None of those memories should ever be kept, anyway.” All of these hidden messages have something to do with the characters and what we learn about them in the story). And what could J’s hidden message possibly be?

“Please don’t call me your daughter ever again.”

Now I’ll be honest, this could mean anything. For all we know, this could mean that J doesn’t want to be associated with Mariabella at all, be her kid, anything. But from the way it’s worded, I honestly believe the daughter bit is the important bit.

There were so many ways to phrase that sentence, “I don’t want to be related to you”, “I’m not your kid”, or something. But the way they picked this particular sentence and worded it… Could J just not want to be her kid… or maybe they just don’t want to be her DAUGHTER?

Maybe instead, they want to be seen as her son? If they choose to be associated with her at all (Which if they don’t I don’t blame them).

Honestly this is just my own interpretation of everything, and it’s okay if you disagree or have a different headcanon from me. But as a trans man myself, I found J to be one of the most relatable characters in the cast with both my younger self (dealing with internalized misogyny, being pressured into femininity at a young age, mommy issues, etc) and my current self (being flustered at being called a boy, not wanting to be called a daughter, going by a name that isn’t a birth name, mommy issues, etc).

That was my essay on J, and I hope you enjoyed reading it and seeing my perspective! Have a good day 🙂

[sunniedesi]

In Defense of Future Diary...

TW: lots of yapping.

Making a small essay for Future Diary is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. Since my entire blog is dedicated to the series, it only feels right to put something like this out into the ether. However, I’m never sure of the topics that I want to discuss the most. Do I write a defense for the show? My reasons for loving it so much? Its relevance and importance for anime culture? An analysis of Yuno’s character? There’s so much I feel you could say, but I never find the right words to express my feelings coherently. Today, I’ll make the attempt, though. I’ll go over all of the aforementioned questions here, mostly focusing on my personal opinions and feelings regarding the show. I don’t have much experience writing essays or analyses of media, so sorry in advance if my yapping is all over the place.

To begin, I should probably address the elephant in the room: Future Diary, despite its popularity and almost cult-classic status, has turned into a show people love to hate. You see it everywhere, when it comes to reviews, comments, opinion pieces, you name it, if it has Future Diary on the title, people will let you know all the gripes they have with the show. And while I tend to feel defensive or even saddened when I see so much hatred directed at my favorite show… I don’t necessarily blame anyone for feeling that way. I don’t want to be one of those people who pretends to hold the intellectual high-ground, acting as if everyone else is media-illiterate and I’m the one who truly gets the meaning of the series. At the end of the day, it’s just an anime, it’s not that deep. Everyone’s gonna like what they like; we all have different tastes and interests, so it’s only natural we all hold such different opinions about the show, especially given its campy, gory and almost edgy nature. Future Diary is definitely a product of early 2000’s trends, which some people (me lol) appreciate, and others certainly don’t.

That being said, while I respect people disliking the show for personal reasons, there are certain criticisms I see thrown its way that are not necessarily warranted. These issues can be boiled down to the following categories: “plot-holes,” a weak protagonist and toxic pairings. I’ll delve into all of these in a second, but I must say, the amount of times I’ve seen these specific points parroted over and over again makes me believe that many of the people making these arguments are piggybacking off of one another. It’s almost like they’re following a trend, repeating how the protagonist “sucks ass” and that the plot makes zero sense, without showing any examples as to how. 

It’s really common to find shallow arguments like those in comments sections and forums, but since I don’t want to feel like I’m barking up a tree in writing this essay, I decided to look for a source that encapsulated all of the common criticisms, while also backing them up with examples. Now, there are many good video essays out there on Future Diary, my personal favorite is by The Hot Box. But as far as critical pieces go, the one I found that goes the most in-depth is by the creator NezumiVA, titled: Mirai Nikki is Garbage, and Here’s Why. I’ll be referencing the video as I go along, but please note that while I disagree with many of this creator’s arguments, I don’t intend this to be a personal attack. As I said earlier, we’re all entitled to our different tastes and opinions, I can respect them disliking the series while having my own criticisms to give regarding the video. Just a little disclaimer so my intentions aren’t misconstrued here. 

With that out of the way, let’s take a deeper look into the main three arguments I mentioned before:

“The plot-holes eat up the show”

If you’ve been in the fandom for a while, you know that this is probably one of the most common criticisms levied towards Future Diary, and perhaps the one that holds the most weight. Or at least it would be, if it weren’t for the fact that “plot-holes” aren’t exactly the issue people are pointing at here. To explain, I believe people who dish out this claim all have different understandings of the definition of “plot-hole,” so to clarify: a plot-hole is an inconsistency, a contradiction in the narrative. For example, Yuno’s diary is all about Yukki, if she were to have diary entries not about him, that could be considered a plot-hole, as it contradicts the original narrative. A smaller detail being unexplained or overlooked for the sake of pacing is not a plot-hole. A flaw, yes, but as long as it doesn’t contradict what’s already been established in the story, it’s not a plot-hole. 

On one hand, it is true that there are certain Deus Ex Machina moments that aren’t properly explained in the show (heck, the god of this universe is called that for a reason), such as: how does 5th acquire all of his booby traps? Or where did 9th pull that motorcycle from? Why are characters so quick to forgive/forget certain events? These are smaller details that aren’t properly justified on-screen for the sake of pacing and making the show more interesting. You could possibly count this more as a case of poor characterization, particularly with 5th’s character having a lot of knowledge despite his age or Hinata quickly accepting the coin toss challenge despite having an advantage. Given the show only has 26 episodes, it’s only natural that detailed explanations for smaller details are omitted to make the show flow quicker and be more entertaining. While this may bother some people, I don’t find it to be such a big deal, or at least not a reason to dogpile on the show, when many other animes with shorter runtime fall victim to poor characterization as well. 

Many deem the plot nonsensical for missing these smaller explanations, but again, I find that exaggerated as they’re much, much trivial details that the majority of people don’t think of or focus on when watching the show. The video I referenced touches on the plot being illogical several times, not necessarily mentioning plot-holes per se, but complaining that many of the justifications behind certain plot points are unrealistic or contrived, though let’s be real here… since when is anime realistic? Future Diary, I would argue, does a good job of balancing very unrealistic scenarios with some realistic characters (like Yukki, but we’ll get into that later), which is what makes it interesting to watch. After all, what’s the fun in watching a fantasy show if it’s completely grounded in reality? Not to mention that many of the points brought up in the video aren’t contrived, especially if you were paying attention to the show. For example, the scene of Yuno meditating to figure out Reisuke’s plan. This wasn’t a Deus Ex Machina moment, it was foreshadowing of the fact she has her first-world memories locked away, and the meditation was her trying to access those memories. Same thing with Bacchus having an overpowered diary, it isn’t for the sake of it, he literally designed it to be that way, because he was the one who presented the idea of the diaries to Deus in the first place.

I’m getting a little side-tracked here, but you get the point. Ultimately, the worst sin a show can commit is being boring, and while Future Diary has its flaws in pacing and characterization, it contributes in keeping the viewers hooked to the action, packing its small run of 26 episodes with quite a bit of entertainment. Moreover, a lot of people overreact to these so-called “plot-holes”, yet they also fail to pay attention as to why things happen as they do in the show. Many of these criticisms can be summed up as either: trivial details that are omitted since they have little relevance to the plot and/or people not paying attention to what’s going on. 

Moving on, let’s tackle another very, very popular argument:

“Yukiteru is a total pushover (to put it nicely).” 

This is, without a doubt, the most common criticism I’ve seen people have of the show. I’m not sure if this is because people are used to the upbeat, overpowered protagonist trope in anime, but people don’t realize that Yukki being frustrating, awkward and terrified is an important part of the show’s storytelling, not to mention relatively unique. Very rarely do we see a realistic portrayal of a teenage protagonist in anime, and it is important for the show since it serves as a contrast to the other characters, all dark, callous and obsessed with the goal of becoming a God. Yukki is the only character not interested in any of this at the beginning. All he wanted was to escape reality with his phone and imaginary friends, and he's now thrusted into this terrible and hopeless situation. How exactly is a young boy expected to react under these circumstances? 

Teenagers are naive, dumb, selfish, all characteristics portrayed in Yukiteru, and these characteristics are put under scrutiny by every one of the diary owners, constantly telling him to grow a pair and stop using Yuno. This is easier said than done when you’re used to avoiding every little bit of responsibility in your life, and a girl who’s self-reportedly “crazy good at killing people” suddenly thrusts into your life ready to do all the work for you. Yukki is indeed a very flawed character, but that isn’t an accident, it is an intentional addition. It’s what makes him interesting; it pushes conflict into the show, and most importantly, drives home one of the main lessons of the show with Yukki’s development: fear doesn’t mean you’re not brave, it’s having that fear and pushing forward that makes you brave. A little corny, I know, but a valuable lesson for the Survival Game. 

Every character has an incentive for becoming God, and they’re utterly consumed by it to the point of insanity. Even a character like 4th, who was originally concerned with the goal of bringing order and justice rather than more carnage to the game gets carried away when a proper incentive for God’s seat comes into play: saving his son. In a Survival Game where we're surrounded by the most cunning and twisted of characters, killers, terrorists, people in corrupt positions of power, Yukki stands out like a sore thumb for retaining his humanity throughout it all, unwilling to get his hands dirty, rather willing to see hope in everyone else. It comes across as naive and all-too trusting. This is especially true for his father, but considering how little people he has to rely on, plus his childish hopes of seeing his family back together, his forgiveness towards him makes sense. And the same can be said for Yuno, the one constant he’s got all throughout the game. Despite the abuse and manipulation, she’s ultimately got his best interests at heart, but I’m getting ahead of myself with this point.

Eventually, the circumstances that Yukki goes through (namely his parents’ death) put that humanity, kindness and mercy, the staples of his personality, to test. It’s a testament to how desperate situations can corrupt even the most innocent of individuals. Yukiteru goes from a hopeful individual to a callous killer, no different from Yuno and equally as selfish. Similarly enough, we know thanks to her third-world-self that Yuno was originally a normal, happy girl with the hopes of finally having a loving family taking care of her. All of this, to then be tortured by the people who were supposed to bring that peaceful family life to her. 

Yukki being a weakling may be frustrating to some, it is certainly brought up many times during the video essay, but it’s an important factor that drives the plot and many of Future Diary’s lessons about growth and accountability. Besides, the anime certainly wouldn’t be as interesting to watch if every character was just an OP know-it-all like Akise. Which no hate to him, but the show wouldn’t be the same if every character were like him.

And speaking of Akise, I’ll take the opportunity to mention a point in the video essay that bothered me a bit. The creator says the show is “queerbaiting” with his character, because Akise’s attraction towards Yukki is forced, but I don’t see exactly how this is queerbaiting. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t queerbaiting when a character is insinuated to be gay, yet it’s kept ambiguous enough to never address it? The show straight-up explains the reason behind Akise’s attraction to Yukki. His love is forced because it was created by Deus to further his investigation about Yukki and Yuno. Akise himself is a fabrication of Deus. It is literally explained in episode 23. You can’t bait the audience into believing a character is gay if you explicitly tell the audience the character is gay lol.

But that’s one of the smaller issues I had with the video’s criticisms. My biggest gripes were actually the following: at the beginning of the essay, this creator talks about how many of the plot points in the show are contrived and illogical, but at the same time, they dislike the characters having tragic backstories that explain how they went on to become twisted individuals. Isn’t it a little contradictory that you complain about a character acting unnatural, yet when the explanation for their behavior comes up, you completely disregard it? They go as far as to say Esuno hates women and is misogynistic for his portrayal of female psychosis, and the use of SA as a tragic backstory being distasteful. Because, according to this creator, people who have been victimized never go on to become terrible people themselves, and that this is a “problematic stereotype.” 

To say that this worldview is incredibly simplistic and naive is putting it mildly. Being a victim doesn’t exempt you from the capability of hurting others, and in fact, the opposite is often true. Hurt people hurt people, that is another main theme in Future Diary, and one of the things I love about it so much. It doesn’t make its characters victims of terrible situations for the sake of pitying them, but to portray their natural descent into madness from being corrupted by a cruel and unrelenting world. Yuno, Yukki, Minene, Tsubaki, these characters all started out as normal until life turned them into the nihilistic monsters they became. They’re morally gray, an example of what you can become when your ethics and moral worldview is tested by society so many times, it ultimately turns you into a societal outcast. Which only makes it funnier that one of the questions asked in the video is “are we supposed to like these characters?” Yes and no, that’s the fun of writing morally gray characters.

I often see these takes with people who fail to understand that the portrayal of something in media ≠ endorsement. It’s the crux of people who lack media literacy, the failure to understand morally gray or just straight up evil characters as protagonists. The media itself isn’t telling you to repeat their actions, it is an exploration of how these actions manifest in the first place, a cautionary tale, if you will. I know that having evil or twisted protagonists isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but to accuse the story or the author of malicious intent would be completely missing the point of the story’s purpose. Not to mention, that it is important for stories like this to exist, to put us in the shoes of those who enact harm, to understand why they do it and keep us from becoming like them.

The show doesn’t justify any of their actions, in fact, it often shows them for what they are: twisted and morally corrupt; it is on the characters themselves to bear the burdens of these actions. A clear example of this is the confrontation that Yukki has with his friends nearing the end of episode 22. It is probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire show: Yukki being forced to face all of his demons at once, realizing just how much damage he has caused, damage that he later has to mend in his final confrontation with Yuno to finally put an end to everyone’s suffering. It is dense, crude, and it is certainly necessary for both him and Yuno. 

Funnily enough, this youtuber goes on to say the following about Yuno’s background: “I really don’t care what her (back)story pans out to look like… her actions are still not excusable.” Which is true, just because someone was abused doesn’t justify them perpetuating the same abuse later. However, they then crush their own point by claiming that Yuno’s obsessions started all because of “a passing conversation.” I guess they weren’t lying when they said that they didn’t care about Yuno’s backstory… because chalking up her obsession as solely a result of that scene is completely disregarding her background. That conversation in the classroom did start Yuno’s fixation towards Yukki, but it is not the root of her obsessive tendencies. Yuno herself believes it to be, but this is an idea that is squandered by Yukki in his final confrontations with her. Moreover, if you paid attention to her backstory, you would understand it is all due to her childhood neglect. And similarly, Yukki’s attraction towards Yuno stems from this as well.

This brings me to the final criticism:

“Yuno and Yukki’s relationship is problematic, toxic and makes no sense.”

There is no denying that Yuno and Yukki start out as an incredibly toxic and troublesome pairing, using each other for their own selfish wants instead of working with each other. This is the Achilles heel in their dynamic, and it is often the cause of their troubles. Yuno acts impulsive, unstable and manipulative towards Yukki due to her insecurities and debilitating obsession, while Yukki pushes all responsibility to Yuno due to his own lack of a spine. They hurt each time and time again, yet they can’t help but be with each other. And this is because, in a twisted way, they compliment each other. 

On one hand, we have a social outcast, ignored by everyone including his family, visibly alone and afraid of being hurt by others, but still seeing the best in people. Then on the other hand, we have a popular girl from a prominent family, visibly perfect, but in reality just as alone due to abuse she experiences at home, making her view people as fundamentally cruel. On the outside they’re opposites, but deep down, they’re both lonely, and terrified of said loneliness. It is only when they meet, when Yukki shows her the kindness she was missing for years and when Yuno gives him the support he had always craved, that they fulfill each other’s needs. By becoming acquainted with Yuno and the Survival Game, Yukki becomes increasingly darker, eventually maturing at the end of the show, while Yukki awakens Yuno’s empathy and pulls her back from the darkness, as we see when she falters to hurt third-world Yuno and her parents. 

Their complementary personalities are even referenced by their diaries, which only work seamlessly if paired. They balance each other out perfectly, bringing out the best of each other, but only after learning to push back on their worst characteristics, which is also true for real-life relationships. In truth, just like these two, people are flawed, traumatized and generally toxic to one another. There’s no such thing as people or relationships that start out perfect from the get-go, they need to learn to grow together. 

In that sense, this is what makes the ending of the show so powerful to me. Yukki isn’t set on killing Yuno or becoming God anymore. He’s finally taking responsibility, coming to terms with the awful deeds he’s done, and the fact that he can’t undo them. Instead, he wants to help Yuno come to terms with her own demons, finally giving back to her what she needs and not something for his own benefit. Similarly, Yuno realizes just how off the deep-end she’s gone when she meets her past self, acknowledging that she’s lost her original goal, and that repeating the cycle of hurt won’t fix her already broken spirit. That world isn’t for her, and so she finally ends the hurt, giving her and Yukki the peace they need. 

Many people don’t like Redial because they see it as an undeserved Happy Ending for two awful individuals, but the way I like to see it is as a form of redemption. Both characters, in the end, do what they have to do to restore order in the world. Yukki pays for his sins in the void, finally a God but at the cost of mourning what could’ve been. First-World Yuno ends the suffering she’s putting herself through so her new self can thrive, almost akin to breaking free from her past traumas to finally heal. The new self regains those memories, not to sulk, but to build from them, going back with Yukki to start a new world that isn’t characterized by their original hurt. In a way, it's a story about how the most downtrodden of individuals can find solace in love, break from their past and learn to heal together. For me, it’s cathartic and fulfilling to watch.

To finish this lengthy post, I feel it’s appropriate to mention the importance of Future Diary’s characters, and more specifically, Yuno. The video describes her writing as shallow and contrived, but I’ve already addressed that in the previous paragraphs. Many people love chalking her up to “cRaZy YaNdErE gUrL™ 🤪​,” but she’s so, so much more than that. Her character actually has a lot of depth if you pay attention to her story: she’s a girl, an orphan who went on to be neglected by her foster father and abused by her foster mother, resulting in complex trauma, insecurities and fear of abandonment that she tries to hide and overcompensate for in her overly aggressive tendencies. Her obsession in avoiding the loss of the only person she has becomes her demise, as she lives in a loop of torment all for the sake of not being alone again, a cycle of hurt only she has the power of breaking if she finds the strength to do it. Whether it was intentional or not, Yuno portrays a lot of the issues people with mental illness, such as BPD, struggle with. 

Now, claiming that Yuno is a perfect, one-to-one representation of BPD would be reducing this disorder to a caricature, there’s obviously so much more to BPD than what you see in this portrayal. But, I feel like out of the huge list of characters that fall under the “yandere” or crazy girl trope, she’s probably one of the best written ones in anime. I know she’s often dubbed the “yandere queen,” but seriously, it’s rare to see media committing to this trope and properly characterizing it. I would go as far as to say she’s the best character I’ve seen written in this genre, only sharing that spot with another character from a certain game (but given that the mere mention of its name is enough to ensue controversy, I’ll abstain from talking about it here 🙄​). A big portion of characters within this trope are quite two-dimensional, without clear motives for their obsessions, or having their issues played up for laughs (I’m looking at you, Anna Nishikinomiya). Heck, many of the characters associated with the trope aren’t actual yanderes, like is the case for Shion Sonozaki or Lucy from Elfen Lied. 

Yuno’s character is rich and interesting to watch, she isn’t just some “crazy girl” for the sake of it. She’s a product of tragedy, only motivated by the hope of finally having Yukki alleviate all of her insecurities and sorrows. I’ve always found the “yandere” trope interesting since it delves into the lengths people are capable of going over an obsession, and how these form to begin with. Given how complex, sensitive and even personal this topic can be, it’s important to have characters like this be properly written, and I’m glad that Yuno set a standard for this back in her day, even if many people don’t take her character seriously. 

I think it’s important to close up this post repeating the sentiment I had at the beginning. My purpose in writing this defense isn’t so much to force people into liking the show, and even opinions I disagree with like the ones in NezumiVA’s video are valid in their own right, as everyone has different perspectives in interpreting media. This is simply my take as someone who’s been a fan of the show for a really long time, since I don’t see many in-depth essays for Future Diary out there. It is a show that has stuck with me for its lessons on learning to be brave, healing from the past and selfless love. As silly as it may sound talking about an anime, it’s something that I can always look back to and smile, laugh or cry along with. Despite people’s conflicting views and endless criticisms, it will never fail to have a special place in my heart. Given how much time I’ve dedicated to this series, it’s only fair I dedicated a little bit of that time explaining my love for it too. And if you made it this far down the post, I would also like to thank you for dedicating a little bit of your time to my shower thoughts as well!

[eddyiewriting]

Hi

Soooo, I guess I owe you all an explanation, huh?

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for about four years now. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been okay ever since I was a child. I’m not writing an essay about my life, but to summarize: loneliness, death, self-harm, etc. Lots of fun stuff.

Stories have always been an outlet for me to express myself. Sometimes I spent days without talking to anyone and found comfort in every type of story I could consume—books, movies, video games. I started writing stories when I was a kid, but I never shared them with anyone. The fear of being rejected, of being told I wasn’t good enough, was too overwhelming for me.

I wanted to feel like I was good at something. That I had a purpose. So, I never let anyone see my stories because that way they couldn’t tell me the opposite. I still wanted to show what I created to the world, but I never had the courage.

When I found out about COG, I finally mustered the strength to do that, and even that only came six years after I started reading the stories. When I first posted on the forum, I had a panic attack. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out, and I nearly deleted the whole story. Seeing everyone’s reactions, though, was fantastic. That’s when I told myself, “See, you are good enough.”

As time went on, however, the doubts started to resurface. This has nothing to do with criticism. The feedback was nice and very helpful. I’m grateful for the people who took their time to read and help me improve.

The whole problem is me. I’ve been seeking treatment and trying to do better, but sometimes I still have that annoying voice in my head telling me to give up on everything.

I don’t want to give up. I gave up on so many things, and if I quit the only thing that makes me get out of bed, then I don’t know what to do next. However, I don’t believe I’m in the right mental state to keep myself focused on this at the moment. So, I’m not deleting the story, the topic, or my Tumblr. For now, I’m just taking some time away. Maybe one day I’ll be back, but for now, I need to rest.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Freddy has been keeping me company. He always does.

[jacksgreysays]

Extremely late, completely unnecessary opinion of the Watcher situation, (2024-04-24)

So this is a relatively belated post — several days after the initial “Goodbye Youtube” and one day after the “An Update” videos — and surely by this point there are more interesting/insightful op-eds (both in written form and video form, especially penguinz0’s fairly objective POV as, essentially, a YouTube expert) but there is something about the Watcher situation that made my brain itch. Thus, I wanted to write about it in order to make sense of it all as well as get into a philosophy that seems to be haunting me in recent years and which I think applies greatly here.

This may seem completely out of left field considering 1) definitely not fanfiction and 2) about Watcher Entertainment, a YouTube channel which—as far as this tumblr is concerned—I’ve not engaged with whatsoever, but I don’t know where else I would put this, and weirdly enough I think the general tumblr response to this whole predicament is maybe the… if not objective… then at least, most thoughtful?—or, perhaps, least immediately reactive?—amongst the various social media platforms, that I think some people might appreciate this anyway.

In terms of my relevant background: I majored in Management Science (which is just a fancy way of saying Economics + Business + Accounting because they are, weirdly enough, separate things) and minored in Film Studies in school, I am currently working in the stage tech industry (which, I know, is obviously different from film/video industry), and I like to think I am a fan/consumer of a wide variety of independent creators, some of whom I am lucky enough to be able to afford being a patron/subscriber. I won’t go into all of them—because it is a lot—but there are four in particular whose business models I want to analyze in comparison to Watcher’s admitted blunder:

A) RocketJump (known for Video Game High School and Anime Crimes Division; the core group which turned into the podcast Story Break, then became Dungeons and Daddies) B) Dropout (formerly College Humor, we’ll get into their discography later) C) Drawfee (previously an offshoot of College Humor, now fully independent) D) Corridor Digital (used to be mostly behind the scenes of how VFX studios work, have since become a mostly original content creator)

I will say, right off the bat, I am a patron of Drawfee as well as Dungeons and Daddies, and I am a subscriber to Dropout. I am not subscribed to Corridor Digital’s streamer, which I will get into why later. I understand that being able to sustain those two patronages and one subscription is a luxury that not everyone can afford and so my point of view is already skewed by being such a person who could theoretically afford another streaming service if I so chose. I also acknowledge that many fans of Watcher are not in similarly financially secure places as I am and that regardless of the business model, any monetization that comes from fans would have been a rough ask. However, I wanted to go into this essay in a way that accepts Watcher’s statement—that they needed more funding—in relatively good faith rather than assuming the worst (although that is another point I’ll get into later, largely related to the philosophy I brought up earlier.)

All four of the above listed content creators started or, at least, hit their stride on YouTube:

RocketJump and College Humor were, if not household names, then the digital equivalent of it in the “early days of YouTube.” They were part of the wave of content creators that made YouTube seem less like a bunch of eccentrics with cameras making videos on the side and more like a viable way to support yourself/your team with the art you create.

RocketJump’s Video Game High School went from short (less than 10 minutes) minimal location episodes in season one, to 30 minute plus episodes with full on fight scenes and car explosions by season three thanks to a Monster Energy brand deal. They also had two seasons of Anime Crimes Division, a literal TV quality show, thanks to a Crunchy Roll sponsorship. Unfortunately, RocketJump shut down not long after (their videos are still up on YouTube but they obviously don’t add anything new) but the core creative team behind that have been involved in several projects outside of YouTube (Dimension 404 on Hulu being one of the biggest ones so far) including the podcast Story Break (part of the Maximum Fun network) and now the independent podcast Dungeons and Daddies, the episodes of the main campaigns which are free with ads or, for patrons, ad-less along with additional mini-campaigns and other benefits.

I will say, during RocketJump’s decline, they did try their best to keep going. The partnerships with Monster Energy and Crunchy Roll were the big swings to get the funding to make those TV quality shows they wanted. I believe they lucked out with those brands in particular, or, at least, those brands didn’t seem to inhibit the creative process or ask too much of them that it felt like “selling out” but I also don’t have insight into why they didn’t pursue this model of, essentially, very weird but interesting season long commercials. Maybe they just couldn't find the right brands or maybe they did feel like it was too stifling. Regardless, before they shut down completely, they did also downsize—moving out of the actual city of Los Angeles over to Buena Park. Which is in Los Angeles county, and basically counts as LA still, but is way cheaper than literal Hollywood real estate. (I should have added to my relevant background that I’m born and raised LA county, and have relatives and friends in the film/movie industry, so trust me when I say literal Hollywood/city of Los Angeles is so overrated and unnecessarily expensive. There is a reason why LA traffic is the worst and it’s because everyone is commuting INTO the city. Respectfully and with affection, no one should live there. No one’s start up should be located there.) Obviously the downsizing didn’t necessarily work for RocketJump, but they also didn’t have multiple successful revenue streams the way that Watcher currently does.

In contrast, College Humor was acquired by InterActiveCorp and was turned into CH Media which was three pronged: College Humor, Drawfee, and Dorkly. In 2018 they made Dropout, which had exclusive content separate from their YouTube videos which involved all three prongs. Then some financial shenanigans happened early 2020—IAC withdrew their funding—and there were a bunch of layoffs right before the pandemic which extremely sucked. It has been stated by multiple people involved that it was basically a miracle that Dropout survived through all of that, but there were definitely some sacrifices along the way to make that happen. Currently, Dropout seems to be thriving with mostly exclusive content with the occasional “first episode of a season” posted to YouTube, OR if Dimension 20 is doing a “sequel season” in an already established campaign they will put the entirety of the previous season on YouTube.

IAC withdrawing their funding did put CH Media in a bind. They had to layoff a lot of people right before pandemic and, understandably, a lot of trauma was had. There were also weird issues with who controlled certain IPs/brands/digital assets (I mostly come at this from a Drawfee POV, it took several years for them to own the Drawga series and be allowed to host all of the episodes on their YouTube, and there was also something about the sound file for their opening animation?) but mainly the difference is what kind of content they generate. Originally Dropout had multiple scripted shows with high budgets and pretty cool effects/animations/stunts (Troopers, Kingpin Katie, Gods of Food, Ultramechatron Team Go!, Cartoon Hell, and WTF 101) whereas now almost all of their shows are variations of improv comedians being put into different scenarios or given different prompts. I’m not just talking about Game Changer and Make Some Noise, because Dimension 20 and Um, Actually also technically fall under that description as well. Which is not to say that these shows are worse than the scripted shows—I subscribe to Dropout, so clearly I’m a fan of their current shows—and the budgets for them have since increased to resemble, if not match, those early shows, but it is a noticeable shift in their content creation strategy as a response to the lack of IAC funding. And I will say: Dropout releases at least three videos a week if not more and at least two of those are long form at 30 minutes plus (Dimension 20 being the longest, of course.)

So, these first two business models are not really the most applicable to Watcher Entertainment considering their origin was to get away from Buzzfeed—they’re probably not keen to be partnered with or purchased by a larger company—but there are some aspects to both that I believe are valuable in at least showing the strategy in how these former YouTube creators could successfully extract themselves from YouTube or how they still utilize YouTube even if it is not their main hosting platform or revenue stream.

Then there is Drawfee and Corridor Digital, both of whom are currently—if not primarily—on YouTube, whose situations are more comparable to what I believe are Watcher’s goals.

Drawfee had to rebuild themselves like a phoenix from the ashes of the CH Media layoff during the beginning/worst of the pandemic. Side note: I’m happy that Nathan (one of the four main artists of the current Drawfee team) at least has forgiven(? or let bygones be bygones) Dropout enough to be on an episode of Game Changer (although I will say that this happened after Drawga was “returned” to Drawfee, and after Dropout officially split from College Humor as a brand.) All that being said, Drawfee was a team of four artists plus their editor who wanted to stick together but basically had all of their support system taken away from them. They took a bit of a break to assess their goals and options, announced a patreon with several tiers with great perks, and stuck to their upload schedule. In addition to two videos a week, they also stream on Twitch weekly, have a patron only stream once a month, and a draw class (for one of the higher tiers) once month. After asking their patrons on the relevant tiers if they were okay with it, they began releasing the patron only stream and the draw class to the general public for free after a month. The patreon perks also include things like merch discount codes, high quality PNGs of the final rendered art, access to the draw class with live interaction/critique, and a commission from the artist of your choice. The only “ads” they run are for their own patreon and merch store and, even then, they’re usually at the end of the videos with a credit scroll of the patron names during their exit banter.

Admittedly, they only have MAYBE eight employees—that’s including their video editor(s?) and their discord mod(s?)—with the main four artists doubling/tripling up duties as additional video editors, CFO, and marketing/merch leads. It’s a very streamlined crew and their production costs are not very high since it’s mostly screen recording of their drawings with their audio recording overlayed onto that footage. Although the video editors do sometimes have clever cuts to relevant images depending on their vamping. Sometimes they will have a guest artist but, again, since it’s screen and audio recordings, there’s no travel/housing costs. So, very minimal expenses due to low production costs and small crew but, again, their only revenue source is the patreon/merch, they don’t do outside ads and they very rarely do live shows.

Corridor Digital is, I think, the most applicable to what Watcher would ideally do, which I suppose is somewhat ironic for this essay in particular considering they’re the only one of the four that I don’t financially support. They have two YouTube channels: their main one being where they show the “final product” videos, but I believe their Corridor Crew channel which started primarily as behind the scenes type of videos is where most of their views come from. Especially their React series (VFX artists, Stuntmen, and Animators React etc.) On Corridor Crew they usually upload two videos a week — one which is a React and the other which goes into fun projects/challenges (involving VFX or not) or using VFX to explain scientific concepts — as well as the first episodes of their exclusive content on their streamer. Also behind that paywall are longer and ad-less versions of the videos on YouTube. They also have merch. All of them have merch, I don’t know why I’m stating that. They don’t have a patreon as far as I know, but I also don’t know if their subscription to their website comes with similar perks like discounted merch or something similar.

Anyway, their studio seems to be about 15 to 20 people — not all of them are VFX artists, of course. I believe they have higher equipment costs than Watcher since, understandably, Corridor has to be on the cutting edge of video editing technology. They do occasionally travel for shoots, but it doesn’t require big teams, and that’s only when the local locations available to them don’t match the requirements for the “final product” videos. Otherwise most of their videos are set in the studio or in the alleyway outside their studio in Los Angeles (the city itself, not just the greater county, though they are in a rougher and thus probably cheaper part of Los Angeles). I personally don’t subscribe to their website primarily because their exclusive shows don’t appeal to me—either they’re too technical or a little too dry; to be fair, most of them are VFX artists first before they are performers—and I don’t particularly feel the need to see the extended cuts of the videos uploaded on YouTube. Also I sometimes get a little bummed out by their lack of diversity.

All of this to say, from these four different business models, a bespoke Frankenstein business model for Watcher could be cobbled together. But also, even with that bespoke Frankenstein, there are some changes that Watcher would have to make: primarily their upload schedule. As of right now, I think they do MAYBE one video a week if not, perhaps, one video every TWO weeks. If they want a monthly subscription model, their rate of content generation would ideally be higher to double/quadruple their current upload rate. Obviously they want to create videos with higher production value, but at that rate of generation, something’s got to give: supplement their TV quality shows with either a behind the scenes type series or an increase of “we get four episodes out of Shane and Ryan get increasingly drunk in someone’s backyard” or something similar. Leaning into shows like Worth A Shot (the first season in which Ricky Wang makes cocktails based on a random ingredient, the second season threw in some competitive aspects which I didn’t really find necessary) or the Beatdown which has relatively low production costs (no travel, one location, maybe two cameras at most therefore smaller crew requirements) but a higher polished look. Otherwise, for a separate streaming subscription service, 2-4 videos a month is not going to cut it.

As of right now they probably can’t back out of the separate streaming subscription service because those set ups usually require some level of contract/paying for servers for the website and whatever is hosting their videos for a set amount of time. However, what really strikes me is that I literally didn’t know they had a patreon until I scrolled through the comments of the first Goodbye Youtube video. Maybe it’s been linked "tactfully" in the descriptions of videos, but considering they claim to be lacking in funds, the fact that they weren’t plugging their patreon at the end of every video is not just strange, but also irresponsible considering they do have 25 employees that they don’t want to layoff.

Additionally, I understand artists needing to be in a space that promotes creativity, but there are cheaper places that must be comparable that aren’t in literal Hollywood. It’s an unnecessary expense. On top of that, other people have already brought up that it was fairly crass to introduce this paywall, attributing it to the increased production costs, when the next planned “new series” is a reboot of an old Buzzfeed series in which people travel and eat expensive food. I’m not even talking about the personal expenses of Steven, Shane, and Ryan; what kind of car they drive or the cost of their wedding venue doesn’t matter on a business model basis.

But getting back to the patreon: again, I literally didn’t know they had one. I’m looking over their tiers— they have $5, $10, $25, and $100 — and for the most part they seem okay, although I think they have more to offer that wouldn’t necessarily cost them more. Ie, something that has baffled me for a while: the fact they don’t sell the mp3s of the Puppet History songs; they already exist and it doesn’t cost them anything additional because they don’t need to put it on physical media. Or maybe they do and they’re not marketing it similarly to how they weren’t overtly marketing their patreon?

And, okay, maybe they didn’t want to seem desperate — in the early days of Dropout and independent Drawfee, they both were very blatant in getting people to subscribe/join their patreon. As they should be. Desperation maybe doesn’t look cool and sexy, but it is earnest in a way that conveys equal effort that fans who can afford it would want to see. The fact that we weren’t getting rotating ten second clips of Steven, Shane, and Ryan asking people to join the patreon at the end of every video — even if its the same clip every three videos — is wild. And yes, the $25 tier includes a shoutout every 3 months on Watcher Weekly+ (which I don't quite understand what that is,) but the fact that they weren’t doing a quick post movie credits scroll of all the patreon names is, again, wild. Once you have that initial list, it’s not too difficult to add any new names that join and put that title overlay on top of, again, those nonexistent ten second clips of the three.

As others have already stated, it seems like an extreme mismanagement of their existing successful revenue streams, if they are actually struggling to pay all of their employees. Which goes into the philosophy part of this essay: don’t assume malice when it might just be incompetence. It’s something that I have to remind myself of often because I do get paranoid about people’s intentions sometimes and I have to check myself. Am I being overly suspicious of what might be just an honest mistake? Am I assigning ill will to an action just because it inconvenienced me?

Yes, of course, a lot of this situation could be misconstrued as straight up greed. But, also, Watcher is a relatively young company, helmed by three people who certainly don’t have experience running their own company:

They like to travel. They like to bring a full crew around with them. They’re renting out a shiny office in the heart of Hollywood where everyone knows is where real show biz happens. They’re adding more employees to the team because surely more people means better. And they want better productions values because the prettier the videos the more people will like them right?

It’s naive. It’s a level of inexperience combined with giving responsibility to officers whose main priority is to entertain. And if that means entertaining themselves and their staff, then they might not know the difference. It’s the kind of mistake that first time managers make—trying to prioritize fun over getting the job done. Prioritizing making friends with their employees rather than making sure the work the employees put in is equal to (or greater than) what you spend on them whether that is in paycheck or bringing them to cool locations for fun shoots. It’s a mistake anyone can make, it's just unfortunate that they made this mistake in front of millions of people. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s solely a greed induced cash grab.

But then comes the catch-22 of the philosophy—is it worse to assume incompetence than it is to assume malice? Or, in this case, greed. Especially for the heads of a company that holds the livelihoods of 25 employees in their hands. At what point does it not matter if it’s incompetence or greed if the end result is the same?

Is it better to think that Watcher knew about the various other business models of independent creators and just ignored the efforts put into achieving those successes or is it better to think that they didn’t know and just stumbled into one of the worst moves they could have done. Again, other people have mentioned that Great Mythical Morning—which Watcher has had multiple collaborations with—has managed to make the YouTube subscription/tier system work to the point that they can sustain themselves as well as spinoff channels. Is it incompetence or greed that led to Watcher thinking they could bypass that completely in less time and with less content?

I’ve been at this mess of an essay for several hours when I should have been asleep. Ultimately I want to say, regardless of incompetence or greed… yes, Steven is CEO and yes he is ultimately the one who makes the final call but it is disheartening to see the pointed vitriol at Steven specifically and the infantilizing of Shane and Ryan in comparison. Either they’re all silly uwu boys who are messing around not knowing how to run a company, or they’re all complicit in a crass cash grab in an extremely busted economy.

I think what’s most frustrating to me in all this is that there were so many other channels and creators who have literally walked this path before them and, again, whether through incompetence or greed or arrogance, for them to just ignore it… It’s not betrayal because I don’t know them and so there’s no relationship to betray, it’s just so inefficient and convoluted that I don’t understand. Or, no, even if it was greed, it’s an incompetent greed because at least pure greed would have been pushing that patreon every second they could. Their ratio of YouTube subscribers to patreon members is less than 1% and I bet that’s because a lot of their audience, like me, literally didn’t know they had a patreon. I probably would have become a patreon member of theirs had I known earlier, ESPECIALLY if it included access to those Puppet History songs. Drawfee has half as many YouTube subscribers and nearly double the patreon members as Watcher. I’m just baffled, is all, and maybe by this point sleep deprived.

Anyway. That’s my extremely late, completely unnecessary opinion of this situation.

Edit (several hours later after some sleep): I forgot to mention, because they did walk this back almost immediately, even before their "An Update" video, but I believe the original plan was to put EVERYTHING behind that paywall and pull their content from YouTube entirely. Which is, again, extremely baffling, because if ALL of their content is behind a paywall, how would they possibly gain new fans? Even if all of their current fans were able and willing to pay for their separate subscription streaming service, how would a brand new person even stumble on their content enough to want to subscribe if there wasn't a significant amount of "proof of value" free content on YouTube? Again, extremely baffling, and a level of incompetence that overshadows a "cunning" greed. But, like I said earlier, they did walk this decision back almost immediately. If I've misunderstood this and that was never their plan, please let me know, I don't want to be spreading misinformation in a situation that is already so convoluted.

[the-somwthing]

Welcome to my little meta analysis essay called

Why do we misremember Flower Husbands as being “nicer” than it was?

Disclaimer: I’m not here to talk about whether or not FH is “toxic” or anything like that. It’s just a fact that many old fans rewatching FH POV and new fans who are watching it for the first time after seeing fan content tend to be surprised at how they actually behaved in the series compared to how everyone remembered them being back in the day. This will NOT go over whether or not I think FH is unhealthy or whatever and instead just discuss why I believe this phenomenon has happened.

So, if I try to make this a fancy well written essay, I’ll be here all day, so I’ll just get to the point. 3rd Life came out during the DSMP era of mcyt. MCRP has been around for ages, but the DSMP style of RP (which I’ll be calling “smp rp”) was pretty much popularized by DSMP, mostly towards the end of 2020. For reference, 3rd Life started early 2021, so there’s about a half a year between these two events, and DSMP kept going for years so 3rd Life was absolutely happening during the golden era of DSMP.

But what does DSMP have to do with this? Well, it sort of created this idea of “lore” and only specific things being “canon”. You can make fun of me for the way I worded that, but you know what I mean, DSMP was weird about that stuff. I don’t really blame them as it was kind of a new style of RP they accidentally spawned, but still, it was a confusing time for SMPs.

3rd Life was actually less like DSMP and more like the modern SMP RPs, where there’s no (known, lol) scripted events and the fandom itself deciphers what is or isn’t “canon” rather than it being told to them, with mostly everything being considered canon. HOWEVER, I do believe that DSMP’s style did still affect the fandom, specifically with the topic of this essay, Flower Husbands.

But why would it only really affect Flower Husbands? Now we get into a rough topic: shipping discourse. Back in those days, shipping in the mcyt fandom was heavily frowned upon. Moreso than it is today (I know it’s still around, but it was a lot worse the earlier we go lol). I’ve even seen old relics of ppl saying flower husbands should only be portrayed as platonic cuz it’s wrong to ship them, despite their team name literally being husbands. But more importantly, for A LOT of people, flower husbands was the One Ship people felt “allowed” to ship, BECAUSE it was canon. So they would allow FH and shun every other ship.

My point isn’t actually that, with it being the only “acceptable” ship everyone tried to make it more wholesome, though I suppose that could be a contributor. But my ACTUAL point is where all the things I laid out finally close in on each other:

Ships were a Dangerous territory in mcyt fandom, and ships being “canon” was something a lot of people weren’t prepared to deal with. People don’t want to get too close to RPF territory, but back in the day their ideas of c! vs cc! wasn’t as great, so they default to the DSMP Rule of “if it’s stated to be roleplay, then it’s canon to the characters, if not, it’s noncanon and just the CCs hanging out”.

You see where I’m going with this? When trying to follow this rule for a character relationship where they don’t explicitly state what is or isn’t RP, they hear “we’re married” and instantly mark that as canon to the characters since it clearly isn’t true to the CCs, and tend to block out anything else, otherwise you’re risking it not actually being true to the characters. Especially when it’s things like Scott saying something mean about Jimmy; that directly contradicts the “these characters are in love” thing, so it must not be canon, right?

But wouldn’t people still remember that these things happened, or did they actually straight up not process any of it? My answer to that is: of course everyone was paying attention, but with the context that it’s the CCs playing a video game, all of the teasing and other behavior seems WAY less serious. It just looks like average friends playing a hunger games smp together. And as I explained earlier, the fandom was ONLY processing this as a CC thing, so Scott’s treatment of Jimmy never stood out because that’s just how it is playing games.

Back to DSMP, I’m not active in that fandom anymore but I’ll see snippets sometimes, and I’ve seen the claim that beeduo was actually boring in canon and the fandom was the one that made it interesting. I feel like this is exactly what happened with FH. Nobody was actually expecting anyone to go hard into romantic roleplay, so the fans just take whichever pair says they’re getting married and fill in the blanks themselves. And that was normal back then, it wasn’t fans making stuff up for no reason, it was kind of expected of us.

So yeah, I personally believe that this whole confusion about FH is a result of its time. Whether you want to finally look at the actual substance of the relationship rather than following weird rules about what is or isn’t “canon”, or you believe that since FH was from a time where romantic RP was confusing and weird it would make the most sense to take into account the time period it came from and ignore the less appealing bits in favor of the fanon, I don’t really care honestly. But man isn’t this an interesting situation.

[mariacallous]

Donald Trump’s youngest son, and his only child shared with Melania Trump, has largely remained out of the public eye to the degree any former president’s child could. Well, until recently. Newly 18, Barron Trump is now a freshman at NYU and a burgeoning political adviser to his father.

For the past two weeks, my TikTok For You page has been filled with posts from New York University students posting clips of Barron Trump attending classes as if he were Sasquatch: the videos are all blurry and taken hurriedly, and mostly feature fellow students trying to track down the once-elusive Trump. These cryptic videos, complete with shaky camera angles set to songs like Chamillionaire’s “Ridin,’” are all over, taken from “day in my life”-style student videos and reposted to the dozens of Barron stan accounts across TikTok and Instagram.

These posts have garnered millions of views and look like paparazzi shots. You can tell from the camera angle that the people filming are trying to hide their cameras under backpacks or sweaters. New genres of Barron memes have flourished.

“I feel like Barron could’ve gone to any school, but the fact that he chose one of the most liberal schools in the country speaks volumes,” Grace Rowley, an NYU student who posted about Barron on TikTok, told me. “I was shocked and super intrigued that he would choose NYU. Would love to speak with him and would love to read his ‘why NYU’ essay.”

This kind of projection has been part of Barron’s story for years.

Before September, Barron was an enigma. He had no social media accounts and rarely made public appearances. For eight years, his personal life and interests were left to the public’s imagination. In 2020, rumors spread on TikTok that his then classmates had identified his Roblox username, “JumpyTurtlee.” The account’s bio said that the user was a fan of anime and K-pop and supported LGBTQ+ rights. While the rumor was never confirmed, it became part of Barron’s online mythos. Users would grab clips of him looking glum and make it sound as if he were miserable and despised his father, and then post them under the hashtag #savebarron2020.

Barron was the subject of dozens of pieces of fan fiction on sites like Archive of Our Own and Wattpad, and on fan accounts that recycle the same few clips and images over and over again. As Slate writer Luke Winkie noted earlier this year, Barron became a blank canvas for anyone even somewhat interested in the Trump family to project their own “fantasies” on to.

As Winkie also noted, the weird Greco-Roman antiquity-obsessed wing of the conservative base has obsessed over Barron as well, comparing his jawline to that of Alexander the Great and referring to him as America’s Caesar. Earlier this week, someone made an account seemingly impersonating Barron, making it appear as though he were making misogynistic comments about Kamala Harris. That account has since been suspended.

But fans of Barron won’t need to make up their own personal headcanons any longer, especially as it looks like Barron is beginning to take on a more public-facing role supporting his father. He made an X account on Monday to join a Space hosted by Trump to announce the former president’s new crypto venture. “He talks about his wallet, he’s got four wallets or something, and I’ll say, ‘What is a wallet?” the former president said. When Trump sat for an interview with Kick streamer Adin Ross earlier this year, he said that Barron was a fan of Ross. “My son’s told me about you,” Trump told him.

Time will tell, but for now, I'm not sure the internet can assume Barron is merely a weeb anymore. At least we'll probably find out on TikTok soon.

[showtoonzfan]

One of the things I often hear amongst people who give out somewhat positive reviews for Hazbin/Helluva is "It has some mild flaws in its story and writing that those annoying critics are just blowing out of proportion." To some degree, I understand where they're coming from, but it makes me openly question: how flawed does a story's writing choices have to be until it's considered bad writing?

Is it when even if it's rushed and rough around the edges, is it still fun to watch? Is it when it's so distracting that you can't ignore it? At what point is it just watching a car crash in slow motion, rather than actually engaging with the story? I know you can only answer with your own thoughts as a fellow critic, so I want this to be more open for others to comment.

I agree with what you’re saying, to me this situation reminds me of how some of the Spindle crew reacted to criticism, mainly the “everyone is saying the same thing over and over!”- when….yeah, that’s for a reason, and maybe if critics and even FANS keep constantly saying the same feedback over and over, then how long does it take you to realize that maybe you should actually fix those problems within the show because that’s what the writing needs?

No one really wants to admit it but more and more fans are getting tired of the issues in Helluva, that’s why so many more critical videos keep popping up every day and more people are starting to get comfortable enough to talking about the issues it has on twitter. This is not only why the views are dropping, but why some fans are legit dropping the show because they’re tired of the story not improving or being more open minded all because of the writer’s stubbornness and ignorance. They try to say otherwise but they make it obvious that most of them have a hate boner for criticism, have no idea what it’s like being show runners/writers and lack thick skin.

I’ve seen so many fans and even the creators demonize the criticism by stating “more people need to learn to just enjoy media without being overly critical of every little thing!” And in some cases, yeah…that’s valid, obviously if you’re just torturing yourself consuming something without even having passion for it or enjoying yourself, then I agree. But again, this is where the ignorance from the creators and the fans come from. They don’t realize that some folks who are critical of the show are fans who WANT to see it get better and that’s why they’re providing criticism in the first place. People will make essay videos taking or ranting BECAUSE they have passion for it, that’s why so many people make critic blogs or even hate blogs towards Viv’s stuff because they’re passionate about it, and it’s a glaring issue today that the crew tries to roll any critic into the category of mindless trolls. Everyone has already said it before, but if you can’t take criticism and expect praise 24/7, then don’t become a show runner/creator, because that’s not how the real world works.

As for the audience, some are dropping the show, some are aware the show is flawed and are just staying to see where the trainwreck ends, some are still holding on to the hope that it’ll get better. All three decisions are valid so long as you have passion for it. For me I’ve lost all passion for this show, that’s why I’ll be dropping it after the Mammon episode because I can’t stick around any longer just to watch every character and concept get destroyed just to cater to two awful main characters and an awful romance, but I’m sure others will still be tuning in.

[sitron-sunni]

I watched the new episode of 9-1-1

a personal essay on queerbaiting (sorta)

I watched the new episode of 9-1-1, and immediately burst into tears as the credits started rolling.

Then I rewound the last six minutes, and watched the scene again, pausing to rewind the kiss. Again. And again. And again.

We got a kiss. I didn’t know we were getting a kiss. I sorta knew we were getting bi Buck, but I didn’t know we were getting a kiss. After last week’s episode, a lot of people were 100% convinced we were getting bi Buck. I saw their reactions before I watched that episode, too, and I was so confused once I finished it. Had we seen the same episode? That guy, Tommy, Buck’s so-called bisexual awakening-guy, was barely in there. He had about two memorable lines, and then he was in the background of a different shot, where he received a job-well-done slap on the shoulder from Buckley. That last one’s the one people were focusing on online. Look at the way this is framed, look at how he’s positioned, between Buck and Eddie. This is foreshadowing how he’s gonna get between them. Buck and Tommy is gonna be the gateway into buddie. They’re actually gonna do buddie, why else would they introduce a relationship between Buck and Tommy?

Reader, I’ll keep it straight with you. I did not believe them. After a while I gathered a lot of people already knew the name of the next episode; Buck, Bothered and Bewildered. They’d seen some stills, they knew there would be conflict and jealousy within that trio. They were putting it all together with comments and hints dropped by the actors. All those things added up, and it did paint a far more convincing picture. And I thought it was fun! I reblogged a few posts about it, I think, or at least I liked some. But the fact remains: I did not believe them. I thought, oh, imagine how cool it would be if they actually went there. I thought, yeah, realistically it would make sense to bring in a third person if they were actually gonna do it. That way they could test the waters, gauge audience response, and it could work as a catalyst for the relationship after so long. But mostly I thought Okay, so they’re gonna bring in Buck’s fear of not being enough for the people he loves again, this time through his friendship with Eddie, and we’re gonna get some sort of final resolution for that. Like, a big moment of catharsis. Or something along those lines, anyway. It just seemed to me like the most realistic thing that could happen. I mean, the idea of canon buddie was nice, of course it was! The queerbait is why I started watching the show in the first place: I wanted a good queerbait! But ultimately, a ship like that going canon was completely unrealistic. I speak from experience, after all.

Maybe it would’ve been different if I was younger. I remember being in fandoms when I was a teen. I remember reading theories, watching youtube-videos with “proof” that this or that was real, that it was gonna go canon. I remember getting my hopes up, thinking Oh my god what if they’re actually gonna do it!? for shows and pairings that, in hindsight, were completely unrealistic. Maybe that’s why I, even with fairly good evidence in front of me, didn’t actually get my hopes up this time. Because why be that stupid? Why invest emotionally like that? Why not just enjoy what we actually had instead, and then get anything extra from fanworks? Haven’t we learned by now?

I woke up this morning and opened tumblr, and I read half a sentence about how we actually have bisexual Buck confirmed canon now, before I quickly closed the app to avoid too detailed spoilers. Oh my god they were right! I can’t wait to watch the episode, I thought happily, and went on with my day. I opened the app again a few hours later, and scrolled for a few minutes, until I saw a brief glimpse of one, maybe one and a half gifs. Bucks face, Tommy’s face. Warm orange-y yellow lighting, Buck’s loft, you still owe me a beer. Close the app, move on. There were other posts throughout the day, more glimpses, all along the same lines as the first one. The last one came late in the evening, this time on twitter. Just the word in all caps; ANNOUNCEMENT, and then Bucks face and a bisexual pride flag.

And then finally, finally, after I’d brushed my teeth and gotten into bed, I was alone with my laptop, and I could watch the episode. The hype had built up, I was so excited to finally watch it. I was internally vibrating just a little bit. I was giggly, I was grinning widely, I was making comments to myself out loud, and laughing. I said oh my god, they’re really laying it on thick. I remember watching that scene for the first time and thinking how Tommy really looked so nervous at some points. That last one I found interesting. I really liked the actor’s portrayal; His facial expressions were quite subtle, and I thought he captured that nervous feeling so well. Maybe I took such notice of it because, well, I wasn’t quite expecting it.

I wasn’t expecting nervousness in an interaction between Buck and Tommy, because I still wasn’t actually expecting anything. At least I don’t think I was. Even with everything I’d seen online. Even as I was watching the show, I convinced myself. Those words, you still owe me a beer, they’ve misinterpreted them. They think it’s an invitation to a date because Buck’s jealousy in this episode is making it more plausible than ever before. Sure, the show’s leaning into it this time, but they’re gonna pull the rug out next episode. No, of course it wasn’t an invite to a date, what show were you watching, are you delusional? It’s just gonna be one week of people speculating and theorizing and building it up, and then the show’s gonna resolve it with some no-homo followed by a nice new buddie moment. The buzz will die down, and things will go back to normal.

And then the kiss happened. And then I burst into tears.

And now I think, oh my god isn’t it wild that they’re introducing a new romantic relationship for one of the main characters, and for the entire lead-up to the relationship, both Buck and Tommy are entirely focused on Eddie? Like, they’re just making everything about a third person! Imagine if they did this for anybody else! and, oh my god Tommy’s gonna break up with Buck because Buck’s basically already dating Eddie or something, isn’t he? and, oh my god it’s gonna be glorious! and, oh my god I can’t wait!

And I’m also thinking, I was wrong, and you were right. And I’m so happy I could cry.

TL;DR: If you and I share sterek, or destiel, or god knows what other similarly-shaped trauma, 9-1-1 might heal ya.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hello! I hope you’re doing well! This is for your redacted match-up game since I thought it looked fun to do :)

(I also wanted to mention that it’s really fun seeing what songs you pick for the match-ups and has introduced me to some new favorites)(No pressure to do this quickly ofc <3)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? A totally basic song, but I’ve resparked my obsession with Taylor Swift’s song “Wildest Dreams”. I love the lyrics “Staring at the sunset, babe / Red lips and rosy cheeks / Say you'll see me again / Even if it's just in your wildest dreams”. The whole song is very, like, yearning and honestly does remind me of a vibrant sunset just before it softens into a pink and yellow glow. And I like the “wildest dreams” lyric because I daydream a lot. Not to mention, I enjoy the music video for it.

What is your Enneagram type? Type 9w1

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? I like watching long videos in general. Sometimes it’s just gameplay, sometimes it’s social commentary, sometimes it’s ghost hunting videos, sometimes it’s something that randomly popped up in my for you page and looked interesting. The most recent one I watched was “Exploring the Secret Lesbian World of Interwar Paris” by Kaz Rowe.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. I didn’t really have one, but I pretended to have an imaginary “boyfriend”. People at my elementary school were obsessed with dating for some reason even though we were, like, 8 and so that’s the main reason why I said it was a bf. (It’s also funny bcuz now I’m listening to imaginary boyfriends).

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? If I’m too awake from an exciting/busy day I’ll watch youtube videos to calm down. I sleep with my childhood stuffed animal. I feel bad if I don’t and hugging it makes me feel better. I also usually sleep with a night light because I hate not being able to see things if I wake up in the middle of the night. 

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) Well, I like the name “Meri”. But if I actually had to change my name, I’d probably just switch my middle name and first name with each other, since I like them well enough.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? I really like David’s “Watching a Scary Movie With Your Alpha Werewolf” audio. I love his laughs so much (I could  s q u e a l  into a pillow)! It’s also really calming in the sense that it’s relaxing in a fun way (just chilling and watching a movie), so I go back to it a lot.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) Ollie. He’s really sweet and I don’t hate him at all, but I can only watch two of his audios in a row before wanting to change to something else. 

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. Oh! I have one for each of these: If it’s a book, then “The Princess and the Fangirl” by Ashley Poston. If it’s a TV show, then “Gravity Falls” (I watch it as a summer solstice tradition). And if it’s a movie, then “Miss Congeniality (2000)” (I love those 90s/2000s romance and comedy movies). 

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? I totally get the romantic appeal of Sam, but I would like him as a friend because he’s very down-to-earth, caring and I like his vibes. (I'd also include Caelum, I DON'T want to date him at all, but he's a cute little guy that makes me smile a lot).

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) I don’t think I ramble about anything. I’m pretty quiet when I’m tired. Although, sometimes I do get “slap happy” and find a lot of things hilarious before I eventually get to the exhausted point of ‘no-talking’.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. KitKats and Coca-Cola (slushie or the actual drink)!!

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. One of my private playlists that’s a mix of 2010s EDM and pop, 90s and 2000s rock, alternative music and country songs.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? Listening to Redacted Audio is the biggest, and also reading/writing fanfiction. It’s embarrassing to talk to any of my IRL friends or family about it even though I’m fully supportive and excited about discussing all of those things, it's just the weird reputation it carries.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! I’m introverted. I have two cats! (I didn't realize how many cat lovers were in this fandom). I believe that I’m biromantic and demisexual. Some things I like to do are: write, read, go camping with friends (I love hanging out, playing card games, swimming and eating campfire food), doing karaoke, and playing dress up in costumes/outfits I’ve collected over the years. Sometimes I’ll draw or paint but not as often. I often have dance parties or a good cry to de-stress (which are like two different vibes XD but it works). The video games I like to play are Minecraft, Stardew Valley, and The Sims. I like to take quizzes. I used to take Buzzfeed and Quotev quizzes a lot when I was younger, but now I mostly go on uquiz. (I like pressing buttons).

I also really like paleontology. I can watch ghost hunting videos (as stated before) BUT I cannot do horror movies. I’m assuming it’s because I get too involved with the movie, and ghost hunting does not have as high of stakes. I guess I would describe myself as someone that is pretty quiet until you get to know me. I tend to be very watchful and cautious when I’m out in public with friends or family (which probably comes from my ‘older sibling need’ to make sure that the younger ones don’t get kidnapped or hurt). I count myself as an early bird, since I wake up around 6-7am most days. My style is pretty casual, maybe sometimes dark academia inspired if I’m feeling stylish. And my main love languages are quality time and words of affirmation. (I hope all of that helps!)

Your entry gave me so much trouble in the most delightful way. You paint me a picture of someone so easy to get along with that it was hard for me to pick one redacted suitor over the other. In the end, looking at the charming ways you’d contrast one another, I like Asher for you best.

You’re a cat person; he’s a literal dog person. You’re an introvert; he’s an extrovert. You’re an older sibling, he’s a younger sibling. You’re a morning person; he’s sleeping in till noon if you let him. You’re a cozy gamer; he’s an FPS, COD kind of guy. Yet, you two get along so well. Type Nines are characterized by a desire for peace and quiet, typical of an older sibling, and Asher as the emotionally intelligent beta of the Shaw Pack would be able to provide that. One thing that particularly convinced me was your love languages in that Asher strikes me as one of the most verbally affectionate and forthcoming of the redacted men and would be best suited for your love of words of affirmation.

That’s not to say he doesn’t indulge your need for quality time either; he’s perfect for that. Asher loves your cats, and they love him (once they get used to his shifted form). He orders pizza and wings for your romcom movie nights, most of which he hasn’t seen yet but is super happy to watch them for the first time with you. He’s always down for a good karaoke sess, whether you asked for one or not. He picks up and gets good at Stardew Valley immediately, especially when he finds out y’all can work on the same farm and that he can craft you a wedding ring. (That is, when he’s not trying to get himself an NPC husband. He is down bad for all those men, but he has a soft spot for Shane, can’t tell you why.)

Song:

We're making out inside crashed cars/ We're sleeping through all our memories/ I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste my time dreaming of you)/ Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness/ 'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence/ And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase/ Like I'll never be the same

If you love 90’s/00’s rock and alternative, and I’ve given you Asher, could I give you anything other than a Fall Out Boy song? Obviously not, especially this era and track of Fall Out Boy. There’s something about their older songs that capture young, first love in the best, most singable way. Also, the title is a reference to the romance classic movie, Casablanca, and that coincidence really cinched my choice.

Runner-ups:

Huxley would be a gorgeous partner and runner-up for an early bird who loves camping. He’s also one of my favorite picks for someone on the ace spectrum; he just gives that vibe. (I’m also an asexual who loves Huxley, so that may be my bias coming through.) David is also a runner-up, one who almost beat out Asher except for the fact Asher would be more outwardly affectionate off the bat and would like your cats more.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[elfboyeros]

Who was Bela Pavlova?

⚠️Warning: Death, Mention of Abuse, Dark themes, etc aka the Bela Pavlova backstory stuff

So I mentioned this to @/jj-pines and @/lerenee that I imagine that there were films made of Bela's life because she basically disappeared at her peak at stuff and then I randomly thought of the Film Mommie Dearest and the video Kennie JD did on it and I was like: I bet the Youtube True Crime girlies would eat a story like Bela's alive so the fic was made that power wrote in a day! Read all about the nerds I create here and here

Calypso does what any girl does when doing her makeup in the morning, watch a True Crime Video on YouTube.

’ Ello, my darlings, it’s me Deliah Darling and we have an interesting story today!

The young woman, with a darker complexion and colorful braids, is on screen in front of a dark, almost gothic background, barefaced as she speaks with a British accent.

I say that like all the stories I talk about are not interesting, but this one is different! We talk about a lot of true crime on this channel, but today isn’t really true crime, I mean there is a criminal element, it’s unsolved murder which you all know is one of my favorite things to cover, but what we are talking about today is just fantasizing.

Today we are going to be talking about Bela Pavlova or the Russian Swan.

Calypso stops mid-putting on her moisturizer to look over at her phone in shock, one of her favorite make-up/true crime “influencers” talking about her mother! A picture pops up on the screen of Belladonna or Bela in her prime as a ballerina in the 1900s

This is Bela Pavlova, not to be confused with Anna Pavlova the first ballerina to tour the world. As a side note before we get into it, Anna and Bela are not related, however, Bela is often confused with Anna as if they are the same person.

Calypso continues to do her make-up routine just slower than normal.

I wanted to cover Bela today because her history especially in the ballerina world is… while there is no other way to say it but just plain insane. Her history is a huge mystery, involving death, murder, and kidnapping! Her life has been turned into 3 movies! Bela Pavlova, is a beautiful woman with a crazy life. Let’s get started.

The Intro for Delilah’s channel began as Calypso slowly opened her primer, hopefully, she wouldn’t have to write a full essay of information to clarify her mother’s life, she really likes Delilah’s videos she doesn’t want to unsubscribe.  When the intro stopped Delilah had a makeup brush in hand before she started talking.

Bela Gorelov was born in 1881 on the 1st of July to Igor and Violetta Gorelov in Moscow, Russia.  Violetta was a dressmaker and Igor worked “odd jobs” or something like that. See there were these books published in 1985 and then again, this year, which I’ll go into more detail about later, that had Bela’s dairies since her mother died and in them, Bela writes about all these jobs her father had and there is never a concrete answer for what he did besides chronically drink.

Well, that’s correct. It is interesting to mention her mother’s books as a source, Delilah seems to have done her research.

Bela had a normal childhood, started ballet at the age of eight, and guys she was incredibly talented, this girl started as a professional ballerina at the age of 14 she was good! However, her lovely little ballerina life wasn't sunshine and rainbow, because in 1891 when she was 10 Violetta died at the age of 23 of Cholera, leaving her in the care of her father and her maternal grandmother Apollinariya Urusov, who was also a dressmaker. What’s sad is that according to Bela’s dairy entries, as her father started to drink more he quote: “Became someone I didn’t recognize anymore, mama has been gone for a year and the man I am faced with every day is no longer my father, but simply Igor Gorelov the man that barely looks over me.” Even more heartbreaking Bela loved her mother and grandmother and when Apollinariya died in 1896 Bela was devasted!

Bela had just started doing professional ballet, a year before when she was 14! Then a year later. Her grandmother died, leaving her with her alcoholic father who was not very kind to her as when Bela turned 16, she was married off to Sergei Pavlova a 19-year-old construction worker, making her Bela Pavlova.

Calypso cringes at the sound of Sergei’s name, as Delilah let out a sarcastic laugh.

So Sergei… he was…

Delilah laughs once again

I’m trying to think of a way to define this man that will not get me demonetized, but I can’t! Sergei was an abuser. He smoked, he drank, and he sadly abused Bela for their entire marriage. However, their horrific marriage didn’t stop Bela from being a talented ballerina, she was best known for being Aurora in a production of Sleeping Beauty, playing Flora in a production of The Awakening of Flora, and the white and black swan in several different productions of Swan Lake during 1888-1900. I think because her “best roles” were from Swan Lake that’s another reason why she and Anna Pavlova, anyway.

Calypso has major respect for Delilah she has done respect for Bela Pavlova, however, this is only the beginning of the hour-long video.

In Early December of 1901, Bela wakes up, goes to a local restaurant for breakfast with a cousin, goes to the dress shop that her mother's side of the family-owned to pick up a dress, takes that dress back home, then goes to the theatre that she would perform another production of swan lake where she would play both the white swan and the black swan.

This would be her last production of Swan Lake and the last time she would perform on a stage, as that evening, she would disappear.

Calypso chuckles lightly patting her concealer, at the somber tone taken. Horrible events happened that night, whatever, Calypso knows the outcomes of all the events that took place that night, and in retrospect, the event is not as somber as it is being made out.

Now there many stories that happened that night, but no one will ever know truly what happened. However the facts are that Bela went to her dressing room after the ballet concluded, Sergei came to visit her, and early the next morning Sergei was found deceased, the room beyond disheveled, blood everywhere, and Bela nowhere to be found.

“Thank you, Daddy,” Calypso mutters, dusting her face with powder foundation.

Now

Delilah clapped her hands, her make-up barely finished as she had been talking with her hands and stopping for periods of time to explain things.

I am going to go over the theories of what could have happened that night, and then because of the autobiography, I will go over what is believed to have happened that night! So a major theory that is believed is that Bela killed Sergei and ran away, however, I have very little faith that this is true as Sergei was a hefty guy, and Bela had like the ideal ballerina body. I can’t imagine her killing anyone with her bare hands.

Calypso chuckles once again, Belladonna has in fact killed many individuals, but yeah as Bela she didn’t kill anyone.

Another theory is that Bela was kidnapped. Many people around the ballet scene said at the time when questioned about Bela, based on different sources that there was a large pale man with white hair who had become infatuated with Bela. Many believe that this white-haired man kidnapped Bela or even murdered her from the theatre. However, we have the Book “The True Life of The Russian Swan-The Dairy of Bela Pavlova” which is an autobiographical book that compiled all of Bela’s Dairy entries from the age of 10 up until her presumed death, which according to her dairy was not 20 like most believed before the book was published in the 80’s.

Even knowing all the facts, Calypso is still integrated, while filling in her eyebrows.

So that white-haired man does exist, but a lot of people online believe he doesn’t for some reason even though this book exists! The man’s name was Wolfgang Von Koch.

Not completely incorrect for the book Belladonna changed Wilhelm’s name so as not to trace the book back to them.

Wolfgang Von Koch was a man from Germany born 29th of January 1861. Bela said in her diary that he had a love for travel, and it surprised her when he said that he lived in Romania instead of Germany. Quote: “He told me Romania with a German Accent, I asked him “how come?” He simply replied, “I enjoy the mountains in Romania.” How could you move to one place just because of the mountains? He is beautiful, tall, built, and distinguished. Much older than I am, but if I were not married I would always make attempts to be in his view.”

“Momma and Daddy are so cute,” Calypso giggles softly.

So Wolfgang was in Russia on his travel, went to the ballet one night, and saw Bela on stage and is enamored with her immediately! She’s this beautiful, talented, ballerina but she has a unique appearance. Bela had poliosis is caused by low amounts of melanin and melanocytes in your hair follicle and occurs when you have a white streak in your hair, contrary to your natural hair color. Bela’s hair was black, and it had this white chunk in the front, even her eyebrows and her eyelashes had white in them! Like guys there are pictures of her in her book and this woman was gorgeous! Who won’t fall in love with her?

Delilah is right, Belladonna is gorgeous.

Anyway! Wolfgang was able to have tiny conversations with Bela after the ballet finished and they got to know each other over the almost 3 months he was in Russia. Many people think on the day she disappeared she actually met Wolfgang for breakfast, but that’s not true as Bela states in her dairy recalling that day “I never thought that when I sat down with Vera that morning, I never expect to be leaving Russia late that night!” So, according to Bela as she wrote in her dairy Wolfgang came to her dressing room after everyone had presumably left the theatre to get her gifts of carnations and chocolate-covered cherries, not only because he thought she deserved them, but because it was his last night in Russia before he went home. When Wolfgang made it to her dressing room, he found Sergei abusing Bela and went into a blind rage killing Sergei.

“W, Daddy,” Calypso muttered finishing her eyeshadow.

Bela wrote in her diary, “I never knew a man could make a murder look so divine.” She wanted Wolfgang to take her out of Russia so she could start a new life away from a horrible life in Russia, and he did just that, he allowed her to go back home to gather her things, let her visit her mother and grandmother’s graves one last time and they left Russia, and she never returned.

Now, Bela ended up living with Wolfgang in Romania in his home presumably in the mountains and they ended up getting married. According to Bela, they had a wonderful life together, they ended up having a child on June 5th, 1908, and they named her Violetta after Bela’s mother. She died sometime in January 1935, as her last entry was on December 29th, 1935, which means she died at the age of 54 however the book never says.

Mostly lies, but, of course, the ending of the book is fiction.

Now the reason I wanted to cover Bela Von Koch is because early this year there was a movie made—

“A shit movie!” Calypso scoffs.

—About Bela’s life simply called “Bela” and guys this movie is bad! Especially because “The True Life of The Russian Swan”was published in the 80’s! THIS BOOK WAS PUBLISHED IN 1985 BY BELA’S GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER! THEY HAD THE BLUEPRINT FOR THE FILM AND NO ONE BOTHERED TO ACUTALLY READ THIS FUCKING BOOK! What’s even worse, is the book was made in retaliation to a film that came out in 1982 called “The Russian Swan”.

“Which is another bad movie,” Calypso mutters finishing her eyeliner.

“The Russian Swan” is based on a golden age short film from 1947 of the same name which depicts the last performance of Bela Pavlova, the 1947 film is the only good film about Bela in my opinion, it’s just a silent film in which the actress does ballet and it is implied at the end that she was murdered, but the 1982 movie… Guys this film is even worse, oh my god!

Delilah dragged her hands along her face.

The Russian Swan the film boils my bones guys! First, the Bela in the 1982 movie doesn’t have poliosis, the most distinguishing feature of this woman and they got it wrong! They mix her with Anna Pavlova saying that she performed “The Dying Swan,” which is false, again Bela and Anna are not the same person, the reason the book of her diary was published was that they got so many things wrong about Bela that her great-granddaughter, Madalina Dumitru, was so upset with the film that she made the discussion to comply all of Bela’s dairies and publish for the public, disavowing the film and calling it a “a piece of horrific fiction I wish hadn’t been made for the screen.”

Actually, Belladonna’s own words at the time hidden behind a pen name, truly disgusted by the film when it came out in the 80’s she decided to publish her deepest thoughts to explain her what her life was rather in the fictional depiction.

The book was republished this year a few weeks ago because yet again another piss poor film about Bela was released and Madaline who is now in her sixty’s said on the rerelease of the book, “What bother’s me about the Film Bela is that it seems that my book of my great-grandmother’s dairy entries was not sourced nor was I connected about the film. This is yet another American film—” All of these films are made by the United States for some reason “—That made Bela Pavlova a work of fiction rather than treat her like the human being she was!” With the republishing, there are new dairy entries throughout it as more of Bela’s dairies and letters were found that were added, which was interesting, I highly recommend both versions of the book they are good reads.

“No thanks,” Calypso mutters before putting on lipstick.

Bela Pavlova is an interesting person to research. She was the amazing talented ballerina with the air of mystery! I did ballet for years as a child and teenager and I heard about Bela Pavlova all the time when we would talk about Swan Lake! I remember watching the film from the 80’s and being so disappointed because the film was so disgusting in its portrayal of Bela. Then I read the book and was so angry! So when Bela came out, I went to see it in theatres and of my god I left halfway through it because it was so horrible! I felt bad for Bela and her family’s behavior! Both films go with the angle that she was kidnapped! The modern film which could confirm that she left with Wolfgang willing, portrayed her as a young girl that was kidnapped by an evil man obsessed with her!

Delilah groaned loudly.

She was a talented ballerina—

“She is a talented ballerina,” Calypso muttered leaning back in her vanity chair attempting to pop her back as she stretched.

—and I just don’t understand what the point was of the movies! It’s as if the Crown was so inaccurate! Like Madaline was recently asked, in an interview, which of the three films was the best and of course she said the film from the 40s because quote: “It was inaccurate in the ending, but how could anyone know? The Russian Swan from 1947 is a beautiful short film, the ballerina in the film is gorgeous, but everything about the film is astonishing, especially for a film from the 40s. Again, the end is a bit teeth-grinding but I can understand how the idea of Bela being murdered is enthralling, moreover, no one knew what did or did not happen so 1947 is the best out of the three the other two should be burned!”

What was even funnier is when interviewed, Madaline was asked about some crazy theories and I wanna talk about one before we continue this video, because I believe it as a teenager and I think a part of me still believes it.

“Here we go,” Calypso chuckles.

So many people crazier then I believe that some of the dairy entries are fake that there is no Wolfgang, Violetta, that Madaline is actually a woman named Belladonna—

Calypso stares at her phone a bit shocked. “Belladonna” has never been mentioned in all that Calypso has seen on the internet about her mother, but then again she doesn’t look that hard.

—and Belladonna is actually Bela who is now a vampire and has been a vampire ever since the 1900s.

Delilah slammed her hand on the desk in front of her.

The theory is that Wolfgang is actually this man named Wilhelm Con Vester a German vampire that was of similar appearance as Wolfgang is, and Wilhelm Con Vester is the one that rescues Bela and takes her to Romania, she changed her name to Belladonna, he turns into a little vampy and they have been living amongst us ever since!

Will, that’s painfully accurate, internet people are good!

Apparently, Sergie had puncher wounds on his neck and was drained of all his blood, and after Bela went missing and was never heard of again, a woman named Belladonna Con Vester popped up in Romania out of nowhere and she has been in Romania ever since with her Husband Wilhelm, and honestly, she looks exactly like Bela!

And I mean we all know that vampires, werewolves, and shit exist so I wouldn’t be surprised if Belladonna was Bela, but from what I understand, Belladonna is living a very happy life with her husband, I think they run a funeral home together, so if she is Bela Pavlova she is now separated from that time of her life, which I completely understand. Like I can’t imagine what her life was like before she was saved, and if that were me, I would want to separate myself from all that and I would most definitely change my name if I could.

But this theory could be wrong, and Belladonna and Wilhelm aren’t connected at all. Madaline has said she has a child, that could be Belladonna, but I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you all today, my darlings! Please give this video all your love and if you are new and enjoyed this video and want more, feel free to subscribe, I think since it is almost Halloween, I’ll talk about the Le Doux Werewolf family from New Orleans next, I find them really cool! Alright, bye-bye, my darlings.

Delilah blew a kiss to the camera

I’ll see you next time.

Calypso picks up her phone, scrolling to the comments, not bothering to read them she types, “Love your video! I consider myself a Bela Pavlova history nerd and respect you for all the research you put into your video. Whether the vampire theory is true I have no idea, but I have also seen theories that Wolfgang made it look like a vampire killed Bela’s husband so he wouldn’t be suspected of the murder, but I don’t know how true that is.”

“Bunny?” Belladonna calls while knocking on Calypso’s bedroom door before opening it, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, momma,” Calypso replies, after sending the comment under the video, getting up from her vanity, and locking her phone.

“It took you longer than normal, everything okay?” Belladonna asked as her daughter approached her.

“I was just watching a really good video,” Calypso replies as her mother tucked some hair behind her ear, “It was about you actually.”

“Oh,” Belladonna chuckles, “Me or Bela?”

“Bela,” Calypso answers, “It was about those horrible movies!”

“Eck,” Belladonna sighs, “Come on, we have to go meet your father at the funeral home.”

“‘Kay.”

As Calypso followed Belladonna out of the house her phone vibrated Dalilah Darling had hearted her comment and even replied: “I saw that theory too, I like to think that Wolfgang is Wilhelm which is why included the theory, because my romantic heart likes to believe that Bela/Belladonna and Wilhelm are happily living it up as vamps.”

Calypso giggles a little before commenting: “Honestly me too.”

[kero-cure]

I asked the popular tart shop in my country to make Smosh tarts and this is what I got.

WHOA!! That looks cute. (Sorry for my suck ass photo shooting skills.) I didn't expect that to be their faces at all! I expected it to be like an ordinary pattern. Wow, It surprised me a lot. But my prediction about having a Smosh logo on it was right. Color looks pretty bland (I expected this to be more colorful) but I’m gonna judge this by the taste. Also, I can feel that these monochrome colors represent them being opposites through the color of black and white. Like day and night. yin and yang. That’s actually them. So that’s all ok for me

This is the card that matched the theme I ordered. And have flavor descriptions written on the back. That was long. I'm not sure if these are descriptions about dessert or essays about our boys. lol. Don’t worry. I’ll translate all of these.

(But first, let me tagged @ianthoni , thank you so much for waiting for me)

So, what are these?

This is made-to-order tarts that I ordered from a famous shop in my country. This shop usually makes tarts based on movies, series, etc,. And somehow it became popular among fangirls in lots of fandom. I saw them order tarts in their favorite anime, characters or talents, even their ships. People were so impressed about how this shop selected all the ingredients that can relate and tell the story about the requested theme. Even though it's pretty costly (around 30 usd, because it's made-to-order and they need lots of research), It's still popular and recommended by many customers.

I ordered one set about my favorite anime around last year and I was so impressed. (I wanna talk about this sometime too) So, This year is a nice year that I came back to this fandom and knew about how amazing and heartwarming that friendship is. I decided to order these and I'm gonna share with you guys about how it came out.

Note before start: 1. I understand that analyzing real people is WAY more difficult than fictional characters. Surely they, Even I can't pick up all of the story and every dimension of them into one piece of tart.

2. I only gave them a bunch of reference videos and interviews because I want to give them freedom to analyze by their own way, on their pov, not just sticking on our idea. So pov from people outside fandom might be different from ours. But I'll include some of my analysis and additions in the descriptions too. (Although my additions are… pretty long because it was so much fun to write lmao)

3. I’m not good at writing food reviews. But I’ll do my best to describe the taste.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let’s start.

First two are about our boys. I read the description and found out that they were focused on their childhood background, personal story and their personalities. They have the same base of tart crust. One is black and one is white. Look at the chocolate cream shapes. This might be their hairstyle back to the peak period. (Emo hair and bowl hair cut)

Anthony Flavor: cacao cream and passion fruit curd / rock chocolate with milk mousse 

Mousse with rock - Represent his childhood period that should be fun like ordinary children but wasn’t. He was being the shy and silent boy who came from a broken home with not much money. And even had one time suffered with a long period illness that made him absent from school for a while. Like the mousse that should be smooth but have a hard rock chocolate mixed with it.

Passion Fruit - Fruit that provides freshness and energy. Also enhances all the flavors. Literally, Represent his passion. After he met his life-changing transfer student in grade 6, The radiance and many things that he received from that person made his life brighter than before. That also inspired him and made him move forward to try something new and make him shine. Included learning to make his own website (I think this paragraph talks about the aftermath of getting a get well soon card) and continued to develop it into the work that he wants to do. Overflowing energy inside his mind made him stand up and won’t let all troubles in the past limit himself.

Cacao - Have a little bitter taste but make us feel energetic. Represents all of the struggle to get what he desires, no matter how difficult it is. Even though he had to face lots of problems that heavily affected him, and hard times that made him despair. He still keeps moving forward and wants to make his wish come true although the way until he reaches the goal is tough and not easy to get over it. One of his wishes was to take the friendship that he lost back. That was not easy at all because he was trapped by fear and feeling of guilt. But when he got a chance, He took it without any hesitation.

Taste: First taste when I took a bite was the passion fruit’s sour taste that mixed with milk cream inside. It was pretty hard to cut it with a fork because of the rock chocolates. But it brings a good crunchy texture when I eat. (Talk about crunchy texture. This reminds me of one episode of Lunchtime where he prefers crunchy peanut butter for some reason) And the last bite is when I took all of the taste from cacao, passion and crunchy cream together and I feel so satisfied and fresh. This is the only tart that has fruits included, and the fruity taste was outstanding. Like the shop said that his passion makes him shine. And I think maybe, just maybe, they selected passion fruit because it usually has lots of seeds that might represent his tattoo also.

Ian Flavor: peanut butter cream and milk chocolate ganache / pink frosting with milk financier

Financier - Like the previous one, Milk represents the childhood period. But unlike his partner, He was born into a big family that was supportive and warm. So the taste of milk in this piece has a richer and smoother taste.

Frosting - This represents a pink frosted sprinkled donut. Frosting gives us a sweet taste and the color of pink usually means love. This represents the love that he shares and receives with his family. And not only his actual family, His friends and people in crews are his found family that he shares and receives all the love too. He's a beloved person and cares for everyone. (And all of the brightful love is so powerful that it can ignite the passion of someone I talked about above)

Peanut Butter - Ingredients that have a high level of energy source. Represent his effort and consistency that put into the work. And because It is the main ingredient often used in energy-boosting foods for long-distance runners, This represents running that he was doing back then too. And he compared Smosh to cross-country in a watch party and said about keep going and keep running even in the hardest time too. Even though problems and hard times come to him. He chooses not to show his negative thoughts (If I said in a bit negative way, It's "hide everything inside")  but instead, his powerful radiance and energy will make him move forward many times, and can motivate others to move forward with him. Now he has reached the goal of regaining his friendship, But the running path hasn't ended yet.

Milk Chocolate - This is chocolate that has a high percentage of milk. So it shows the childishness that is still within him.

Taste: Compared to the first one, this is all creamy ingredients. When I first saw this I was wondering “Where is the pink frosted sprinkled donut?” because I only saw his face. And when I cut (Much easier) I saw a pink layer. It even has colorful sprinkles! That’s so cute, like a layer of cake that has berry sauce inside. And it layered on top of financier that were smooth and rich like they said. Taste of milk chocolate with peanut butter. Little crunch from sprinkles. And the cake inside. All of these make this piece of tart sweet and lovely. And I think that hidden pink layer kinda represents his cold look outside (Like someone said) but inside is colorful and creative. (And I kinda think that what if crunchy sprinkle can represent his hidden obstacle too?)

And these two pieces are about Smosh and their journey together from the beginning until now. These two are black and white and have big channel logos. And like the first two pieces, Black and white tart crust for each piece. (Location changed because I ate it the next day. Too many sugars in one day aren’t good for almost 30’s like me)

Flavor: dark chocolate ganache and white chocolate mousse with vanilla custard bacon crisp and coffee cacao nibs cremeux with lavender honey cake

Chocolates - The colors of black and white placing alternately represent them being different but came from the same beginning. Like these two types of chocolate that have different taste and texture, But both are chocolate. They share the same perspectives, interests and sense of humor. Fulfilling each other. And led to them start creating and presenting their ideas to the world. Through the days that passed, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, Make this also represented the time they spent together by the tastes that were both bitter and sweet that mixed together. As well as chocolate helps the brain to make serotonin; a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good and also decreases stress and pain levels. The two of them brought smiles and happiness to the audiences through Smosh that they joined their creative power together and were successful for a long time.

Vanilla and bacon - Weird combination that is not usually used together, But it creates something new and different from the normal flavors and has a unique identity. Becoming a Youtuber was a new thing at that time. No one knows if it will succeed or not, but they still choose this path and go for it with full force. The store described this part like this. But I think this might be interpreted to their unique sense of creativity that maybe looks weird but surprisingly harmonizes together and is addictive too.

Coffee - Have a bitter taste that is usually used to describe “Taste of being adult”. Enjoyment isn't the only thing they have to consider, Business and creativity grow along with it too. When they decided to sell their channel, Their channel wasn’t only about enjoyment anymore and lots of responsibility was necessary. They had to make lots of content and do a lot of things. Without realizing it, Their relationship slowly changed from “best friend” to “business partner that works together”. Distance started to appear between them who used to be very close.

Cacao Nibs - Bitter small pieces that look like piles of dust. Represents all of the outside problems and hidden feelings that piled up between them without enough conversation to dust it off. Even if it was just a small thing, If it was too much, It can become a big wall in their way. Sadly, They reached the point that they couldn’t break the wall, Leading to them driving apart later.

Honey - Known as an ingredient that will not expire. Represent their long-lasting friendship. Even though they had changed a lot, been apart for years and still had so many untold feelings, They finally realized that their bonds are much stronger and deeper than they thought and all of the precious memories they shared have never faded. Something between them still remains and never changed by the time at all. You can see it clearly in lots of videos that their dynamics when they’re together are still the same as when they were young.

Lavender - Means "I'm missing and waiting for you" in flower language (I researched about this. It's more like from Japan). They really missed each other even though they’re successful in their own way. They realized that something was missing when they were separated. When they looked back at the old memories they shared together for many years, They felt the solid and perfect dynamic of each other that never felt the same with anyone else. Also we missed them and waited for them to be in the same video (even though it might be just a short collaboration, we wished for this) for a long time too. We really missed the atmosphere of their sketches and dynamic when they were together. And now they finally get back together and make funny sketches again. The Feelings of “missing you” are strong, And their and our waiting was worth it.

Taste: First, I wasn’t sure which is the first piece of this pair. So I cut the white crust first and voila! Bacon. Lots of meaty bacon inside the custard. I heard that mixing meat with sweets is surprisingly delicious, but I never tried something like this before. I took a bite and, Whoa! How can I describe this correctly? It was like bacon cream pasta but went along well with two types of chocolates. The little sweetness of custard and the scent of bacon harmonized so well. How? That's good, dude! I was so surprised by this piece, and felt like “I wanna try this again”. So, this represents their sense of humor that combines well and is addictive, making us want to watch more of their content.

And here we come. The last piece of this art. I cut the black crust and I saw the layer of brown and white. And when I tasted a cream that stuck on my fork, I was like OHHHHHH!? The scent of lavender was so obvious. So first, I slowly tasted each part of this. Black and white chocolate that mixed well and smooth like the first one of this pair. The layer of coffee cream was bitter. It had no sugar on this. Just bitter, with cacao nibs that have no sugar added too. Bitter like them when they were about to part. Amount of cacao nibs was not that small either. Like I said, On the camera (double chocolate) they still had good dynamics like always. But inside, they had problems and untold words that filled between them so much that they reached the point that they couldn’t pass anymore. But the deepest layer of this piece was sweet and fragrant lavender honey. Something between them still remains since they were young. Old sweet memories about each other are always in their heart. And the scent of lavender, which means “Missing and waiting for you” was outstanding. Represent their strong feelings that want to be with each other again. These two combinations were powerful enough that could cover up the bitterness of coffee. And this can be interpreted as “Because they came through the bitterness, They finally can reach the sweetness that is still there” / “No rain, No rainbow”. They passed the big trial of their relationship and their bonds are now stronger and deeper than before. Even though I finished this piece, the scent of lavender still remained in my mouth. I had internal screaming over this piece. Tart shop owner really got me. That was freaking beautiful. Thank you so much.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After I read the descriptions and ate the final piece, Let me say something.

I always believe. Only nostalgic feelings about their old memories about the contents online won't be enough for them to decide to be together again. But the lots of memories about each other, lots of times that they spent together, and how each other shaped their life for a long time since they were teens are the reason why. Each other's existence is one of the important parts of their life. Like the quote “Without you, I’ll never be like this. I am who I am now because of you”. Feeling of desire to take the aparted relationship back that the very first and main reason wasn’t about “Bringing nostalgia back for everyone”, But it was about “To befriend with each other again”, Led them to reconnect, Cured the wounded hearts, Fixed the mistakes back then, And decided to start their journey again, Together.

Everything started since we met Although there are days when we hurt each other But just being able to think "I want to be with you" Will lead us to a tomorrow we don't know yet

-「fragile」 by Every Little Thing, 2001

That’s it for these tarts. Sorry for the long post but I hope you guys like it. It was pretty hard to translate all of these descriptions from my native language to English with some (that actually not some, but a lot lmao) of my thoughts there. And this is surely my longest English post I have written online yet. So my grammar might broken. But I used lots of effort for my little project and I'm satisfied :D

[serendipnpipity]

#WADGALA Meetup

Hello, internet! My name is [Ser]. (lol sorry, Dan...)

I started watching Dan (and Phil) in spring 2018, lucky enough to catch the last PINOF and the start of the hiatus (whoops). Back then, I didn’t realize how much these two random British YouTubers would impact my life, but I knew they were a source of comfort and could make me smile on bad days. None of my friends knew about them at all, but I remember one sleepover, making my best friend huddle around my tiny iPhone 5S to watch “My Bahamas Travel Disaster” at 3am because it was the funniest thing in the world. The joy it brought me had to be shared. I still think about it every time I go through the TSA. 

And maybe there was something about Dan’s airport mishaps that really spoke to me, or maybe it’s just his knack for engaging storytelling that also made “I Nearly Blinded Myself” cement itself into my brain as *the* standard for narrative construction. The amount of times that goddamn pistachio muffin has crossed my mind while writing college essays, applications, even my own stories, because goodness that’s clever usage of a narrative callback for closure. (Side note: the pipeline from trying a pistachio muffin to loving anything pistachio flavored ever now is very, very real. Anyway.) Through that video and countless others, the hot mess of my existence looked less like the end of the world (ha) and more like a trove of stories worth laughing about and learning from. I could safely store my embarrassing memories in a drawer for later instead of locking them in a box and throwing away the key.

Of course, speaking of locked-up secrets in boxes, I could go on for quite a long time about how much BIG and June 2019 healed the baby queer kid just barely starting to allow others to see and accept her… but a lot of us have been on similar journeys, so I’ll spare you the extra ten pages. I will say that it will forever be funny to me that Dan came out almost exactly a month after I came out to my mom, though. That definitely made me feel less alone.

Fast forward five years later, I’m still here. Lucky enough to coincidentally hop back onto tumblr on the day of the great gaming channel comeback after a year of being away and just in time to watch We’re All Doomed with all of you! All those years ago, I didn’t realize two random British YouTubers could have such an impact my life. But looking at all this…

I’m so glad they did. 

Thank you, @danielhowell!!! Joke all you want about consistent uploading schedules, you have literally been a constant in my life since I was thirteen. I've never met you, yet somehow you've made me smile again during some of the roughest times of my life, and isn't that pretty darn amazing? I hope you know how much you've impacted the world, 'cause you've surely impacted mine. Thank you for that.