#one of the parents gets to have a cool moment about being a 'level 7 analyst.' it's just fucking bleak!!!

[girderednerve]

i have now seen all of skeleton crew (nobody be mean to me). it is very stupid & very bad, they did not do anything else with the mint, i feel personally betrayed, &c &c. anyway the thing that i think is interesting is that they have a whole planet whose entire operation centers on running the mint, but it's kind of secretive, like the adults just talk about 'the great work'; the planet is surrounded by an impenetrable barrier & was struck from every star chart to protect its secret, so i have no idea how they're just churning out huge numbers of little gold bars (sorry, "credits", although it makes no practical sense for a credit to look like bullion coinage), especially because all of the jobs on the planet are like 'data analyst,' nobody is a miner or a smelter or whatever. it's a planetwide suburb with no urb & no hinterland, which is to say it's the most excruciatingly disney product imaginable within the star wars universe. crabgrass galaxy

[mattsobvimyfav]

unknown

Y/N has always played it safe—balancing her job as a pediatric nurse, and her careful lifestyle. But one night out with her friend, Jordan, changes everything. When she meets Matt and Chris—two dangerous, enigmatic brothers—she’s drawn into a world she doesn’t belong in. But the more she resists, the harder they pulls her in.

p.2 pt. 3

chapter 1

Boston in the early summer has a certain charm—sunlight reflecting off the Charles River, the distant hum of traffic blending with the laughter of people enjoying the warmth after months of bitter cold. It’s home, familiar and comforting.

At twenty-two, I’ve checked off one of the biggest milestones of my life—graduating nursing school. Now, I’m officially a pediatric nurse at one of the best children’s hospitals in the country, something I’ve worked tirelessly for. My days are filled with tiny hands gripping mine, sleepy smiles, and moments of both heartbreak and hope. It’s exhausting, but I love it. Every shift reminds me why I chose this path—to help, to heal, to be there for the little ones who need it most.

When I’m not at the hospital, I spend my time buried in books, or going out shopping with friends, But if I’m not reading, chances are, I’m with the family I’ve worked for since I was eighteen.

The Moore family hired me as their nanny fresh out of high school, and somehow, four years later, I never left. Their two kids—Owen, now five, and Ella, two—have become like little siblings to me. I’ve been there for scraped knees, school projects, and bedtime stories, and even with my busy schedule, I can’t bring myself to give it up entirely. Their parents understand; they know I care too much to walk away completely.

My life is a carefully balanced routine—nursing shifts, nannying, the occasional days with friends, and nights spent curled up watching my favorite show or reading my favorite book. And yet, despite how full my days are, there’s a small part of me that wonders if I’m missing something.

Thursday night was another long one. I worked the second shift from 7 PM to midnight in the respiratory section of the children's hospital, a place where the air always seemed just a little heavier. The unit was full—kids battling asthma flare-ups, pneumonia, and RSV, their small chests rising and falling with labored breaths.

My first patient of the night was a five-year-old girl named Lily, who had been admitted earlier that day with severe asthma. Her mother hovered anxiously by her bedside, asking a million questions as I checked Lily’s oxygen levels and adjusted her nebulizer. I did my best to reassure her, keeping my tone calm and steady. It wasn’t lost on me how terrifying it must be to watch your child struggle to breathe.

After Lily, I moved on to a toddler with RSV, his tiny frame looking even smaller beneath the tangle of tubes and wires. His parents had stepped out for a quick break, so I sat with him for a few minutes, rubbing small circles on his back as he dozed in and out of restless sleep. Moments like these made the exhaustion worth it—being able to offer even the smallest bit of comfort.

The night continued in a blur of vitals checks, medication rounds, and hushed conversations with worried parents. Around 10:30 PM, I grabbed a quick snack from my bag, savoring the brief moment of stillness before heading back into the harsh reality.

By the time midnight rolled around, my feet ached, and my body begged for sleep. But as I clocked out and stepped into the cool Boston air, I felt something else too—gratitude. For the kids who fought so hard, for the parents who loved so fiercely, and for the privilege of being there to help, even in the smallest of ways.

It was now Friday morning, and I can already feel the excitement bubbling up inside me. The week has felt so long, but today is all about taking a break with my friend, Jordan.

I get up, stretch, and head to my closet, trying to figure out what to wear. After a moment of hesitation, I grab my white cardigan. Underneath, I slip on a black cropped tank top that I know goes with pretty much anything. Then, I pick out my favorite khaki mini skirt. I pair everything with my white converse.

I grab my phone, scroll through a few messages, and decide to head out early. The morning air feels nice, so I make my way to the front steps of my apartment and sit down, legs crossed. It’s quiet outside, the kind of peaceful stillness you only get in the morning. I take a deep breath, enjoying the calm.

I’m just scrolling through my phone when I hear the sound of an engine approaching. Looking up, I see Jordan’s bright blue Jeep Wrangler coming down the street, turning the corner as it makes its way straight to me.

I smile as she parks, rolling down the window. "Ready for our girl's day?" she calls out, her grin already spreading across her face.

"Always," I reply, jumping to my feet, grabbing my bag, and heading over to the Jeep.

I hop into the passenger seat of Jordan's Jeep. She pulls away from the curb and grins at me, her hands gripping the wheel.

"So, what’s the plan for today?" I ask, turning to face her.

"First stop for breakfast. Then, I need to make a quick pit stop, then go shopping" she says with a mischievous smile.

I raise an eyebrow. "A pit stop? What are we talking about?"

Jordan just shrugs, her grin widening. "You'll see. But first, we need food. I’m starving."

I laugh, the anticipation building as we head to our favorite café in town. It’s a little spot that serves the best avocado toast and strong coffee, perfect for getting our day started. We pull into the parking lot, and I can already smell the rich aroma of fresh coffee drifting out as we walk in.

The café is quiet, the morning rush already over. We grab a table by the window, and Jordan places our usual order—avocado toast with eggs and two iced lattes. I don’t mind—she always knows exactly what I’ll want. As we wait for our food, we chat about the week, and was in the middle of telling her about my patience last night when I noticed a couple of people at a nearby table glancing over at us.

Jordan notices too and raises an eyebrow. "What’s going on? You seem a little tense today."

I shrug, "I don’t know. Just feels like people stare at us sometimes."

She smirks. "Y/N, we clash pretty hardcore. I mean, look at us."

I roll my eyes, though I know she’s right. I can’t deny it—there’s something about the way I carry myself that screams "basic good girl." and she’s the blueprint definition of grunge.

Jordan nudges me, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Relax. They’re just looking. Let them." We both laugh just as our food arrives. 

"Alright," Jordan says as she sips her coffee, "after we eat, I’ve got to make that stop."

After breakfast, we slide back into the Jeep, the warm feeling of a good meal still lingering. 

"Get comfortable," she tells me, glancing over with a half-smile. "It’s gonna be a little bit of a drive."

I nod, still curious about the “pit stop” she mentioned earlier. The roads blur by as we drive through neighborhoods I don’t recognize, the buildings getting more worn down as we leave the busier parts of town. Finally, she pulls up in front of a rundown house on the edge of a quiet street. The place looks like it’s seen better days—paint peeling off the siding, the yard overgrown with weeds. 

Jordan parks the Jeep and sends a quick text, her fingers flying across her phone. I glance at her, feeling a strange unease settle in my chest.

"Who are we meeting here?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.

Jordan looks at me for a second, the serious look returning to her eyes. "Just stay calm. It’s no big deal, I swear."

We wait in silence for a moment before the door to the house creaks open. Two guys, who look nearly identical, step out onto the porch. They’re dressed in baggy sweatpants and wife beaters, they glance to their left and right before walking over.

Jordan rolls down her window as one of them heads straight for her side of the Jeep. The other boy makes his way to my window, giving me a once-over before leaning against the door.

"Hey" Jordan says coolly, and I watch as they exchange a few words. I can’t make out everything they’re saying, but I know it’s about weed. I always knew Jordan smoked but she had never brought me to pick up her supply.

The guy by my window with dark hair and a cocky grin—glances at me, sizing me up. "Who’s this pretty little thing?" he asks, his voice smooth and a little playful.

Before I can respond, Jordan cuts in sharply, her voice low but firm. "No, Matthew. She’s off-limits. She doesn’t belong in your world."

I blink, a little taken aback by the way Jordan says it. The guy, Matthew, chuckles darkly, clearly not bothered by her words.

"Relax, Jordan. It’s just a question," he says, leaning closer to my window. 

Jordan gives him a hard look. "No, Matthew. Hands off. She’s not for you."

The other boy who’s been standing by Jordan’s side, smirks. "C’mon, Jord, let us meet the girl," he says, his voice more playful than Matt’s. "What’s the harm?"

Jordan shakes her head firmly. "No, Chris," she says, her tone leaving no room for argument.

I watch the two boys exchange looks, their attention flicking between Jordan and me. I start to put their names to their faces: Matt with the easy grin, and Chris, who seems like he’s having too much fun with this.

Matt suddenly turns his attention back to Jordan. "You hear about that party tonight?"

Jordan sighs, her expression softening. "I’ll be there," she says.

Before I can ask her anything, the deal wraps up, and Matt gives Jordan a nod, Chris handing her something small. The air seems to shift as everything falls back into place.

"Let’s go," Jordan mutters, her foot hitting the gas as the Jeep speeds off.

As we drive away, my mind is buzzing with questions. I glance at Jordan, who’s still focused on the road, I can’t keep quiet anymore.

"Who were those guys?" I ask, trying to keep my voice casual, though I’m definitely curious. "Matt and Chris."

Jordan lets out a small sigh, and I can tell she’s debating whether or not to tell me more. Finally, she speaks up.

"They’re triplets," she says, her tone a little more serious now. "They have another brother who lives out in LA. The three of them—Matt, Chris, and Nick—are big-time dealers. The kind of guys you don’t mess with unless you really know what you're doing."

My eyes widened a bit, the weight of her words sinking in. I always knew Jordan was in the know, but hearing this side of her world feels a little... overwhelming. "Wait, so they’re like legit drug dealers? And you hang out with them?"

Jordan glances over at me. "Yeah, but don’t get the wrong idea. I know them from way back. They’ve always been around, but we keep it casual. I don’t get too deep into their business. I keep my distance."

I nod slowly, "And their brother in LA, is he in the same line of work?"

"Yeah," Jordan confirms with a slight shrug. "That’s just the way they roll. You’ll get used to it."

I don’t know if “used to it” is something I want to get, but I keep my thoughts to myself. My mind drifts to what happened earlier. The way Matt kept eyeing me.

"So, what about tonight?" I ask, my curiosity getting the best of me. "The party Matt mentioned. Are we going?"

Jordan’s hands tighten on the wheel, and I catch a flicker of hesitation in her eyes. "You’ve never asked to go to a party before," she says, almost as if speaking to herself. "It’s always just been my thing. You’ve never really been interested in it."

I raise an eyebrow. "Well, there’s a first time for everything I guess."

My heart beats a little faster at the thought of stepping into that world, but then I catch a spark of excitement in Jordan’s voice. She’s got that fire in her eyes.

"Okay," I say, biting my lip nervously but also feeling the pull of curiosity. "Let’s go get me a new outfit."

Jordan flashes me a grin, her excitement matching mine. "Perf. Let’s go shopping."

A few minutes later, we pull up to a little boutique in the city. It’s not too far from where we were, but it feels worlds away from the rundown house we just left. I follow Jordan inside, the bells above the door jingling as we walk in. The place is packed with clothes—bright colors, edgy designs.

"Alright, pick something that’s revealing and sexy. You’ll wanna fit in.’" Jordan says with a wink. "You need something bold. You can’t show up in the same vibe as that avocado toast and cardigan look."

I laugh at the little stray she threw my way "Okay, okay. Let’s see what you’ve got in mind."

We spend the next hour in the boutique, Jordan practically dragging me from one rack to another, pushing me to try on things I never would have considered before. She pulls out a black corset top that looks a little daring, with intricate lace detailing and a structure that feels way more bold than anything I’d normally wear.

"You’re going for something sexy tonight," Jordan insists, tossing it at me. "Trust me, this will make an impression."

I hold it up to myself in front of the mirror, considering it. "Are you sure this is my style?" I ask, a bit unsure. The corset is tight, the cleavage daring, and the fabric feels both delicate and bold all at once.

"It’s not," she urges, giving me a knowing look. "That’s the point."

I give in and head to the changing room. When I slip into the corset, I’m surprised by how good it actually feels on—tight in all the right places, highlighting my waist in a way I didn’t expect. I step back into the main area, and Jordan’s eyes widen.

"Okay, okay, you look amazing," she says, nodding approvingly. "Now, let's get you some jeans to go with it."

I follow her to the denim section, and after a few minutes, I grab a pair of light-wash, wide-leg jeans. They’re flowy, a little more relaxed than the jeans I usually wear, but they somehow seem like the perfect balance to the corset’s structured look. I hold them up next to the top, and Jordan gives an exaggerated thumbs-up.

"Yes! These are perfect" she says. "This is how you’ll fit in."

I grab them, along with a pair of mini black heels that match the edgy vibe we’re going for. They’re simple but have just enough height to make me feel confident, without being too much.

When I step out of the fitting room in the full outfit, Jordan looks me over, a grin spreading across her face. "Girl, you’re ready. You look hot."

I laugh nervously, standing in front of the mirror. "I don’t even know if I can pull this off... but I kind of love it."

Jordan raises an eyebrow. "You’ve got this. Trust me, I’ll be by your side the whole night."

"Alright," I say, taking a deep breath. "Let’s do this."

After we finish shopping, Jordan insists on stopping by a few other places. We grab lunch, then swing by a beauty store for some makeup essentials.

"Trust me," she says, tossing a tube of mascara into the basket. "We’re going all out tonight."

By the time we’re done, the day has flown by. We’re laughing and chatting about random things, and the excitement I felt earlier is turning into a nervous energy that I can’t quite shake. Every now and then, my mind drifts back to the conversation about Matt and Chris.

When we finally get back to Jordan’s place, she pulls into the driveway with that same determined look she’s had all day. “Alright, babe, it’s time.”

I stare at her, my heart doing a little flip. "Time for what?"

"Time to get ready," she says, hopping out of the Jeep before I can say anything else.

I grab my shopping bags and follow her inside, my pulse picking up pace. Jordan leads me to her room, which is filled with a mix of clothes and half-open drawers. She’s already pulling out a few items, and I can’t help but laugh nervously.

The next few hours feel like a whirlwind. Jordan’s apartment is a crazy mess as we rush to get ready. 

“Okay, sit down,” she orders, motioning to the chair in front of her vanity. I do as I’m told, watching her rummage through a drawer filled with makeup products. “Let’s make sure you look amazing tonight,” she says with a grin.

I glance at my reflection in the mirror, still not quite used to the corset top and the wide-leg jeans. The outfit is bold, daring, but I can’t help feeling like I’m playing dress-up in someone else’s clothes. Still, Jordan seems so confident in it, and I trust her.

She starts with my face, prepping my skin with some kind of serum and moisturizer she swears by. I close my eyes and let her work her magic, her hands light but sure as she applies the base, blending everything seamlessly. My skin already looks smoother, more even than it usually does.

“You’re gonna love the foundation I got for you,” she says, swiping a brush across my cheeks. “It’s got this glow to it—makes your skin look like it’s glowing from within.” She finishes with a dusting of powder, setting everything in place.

I watch as she moves to my eyes. “We’re going for sultry, babe. Just big huge lashes,” she says, applying a thick coat of mascara, making my lashes look long and voluminous.

“Open your eyes,” she says with a smirk as she steps back to admire her work. I glance in the mirror and can’t believe how much my eyes pop just from mascara. 

Jordan then turns her attention to my lips. She picks up a pink lip liner, carefully lining the edges before putting on a pink tinted lip gloss

I smile nervously. I’m not used to this kind of attention. My usual look is… nothing. I’ve never done lip gloss or anything like this before. But tonight, I feel like someone else. 

“Now for your hair,” Jordan says, pulling me from my thoughts. She grabs a curling iron, giving me a teasing grin as she begins to curl my hair in loose waves. The heat feels strange against my hair, but the result is incredible—full, bouncy curls that make my hair look effortlessly voluminous. She finishes with a little hairspray, just enough to hold everything in place without it looking stiff.

By the time she’s done, I’m sitting there, staring at my reflection in awe. The outfit, the makeup, the hair—it’s like I’m looking at a completely different version of myself. The girl in the mirror looks confident, daring, ready to take on whatever comes her way.

Jordan steps back, inspecting me one last time. “You look incredible, Y/N. Trust me, no one’s going to be able to take their eyes off you tonight.”

I swallow, my heart racing. “Are Matt and Chris going to be there?” I ask, almost hesitantly.

“Absolutely,” she says, giving me a wink. “and you're absolutely staying away from them.” She finished with a straight face. 

I giggle at her firmness. Jordan grabs her own outfit, pulling on a leather jacket and running a hand through her hair as she heads for the door. “Alright, You ready?”

I cheer a little, feeling the rush of nervous excitement flood over me. “Yes, yes, yes.”

Jordan’s Jeep rumbles down a dark road, the streetlights becoming fewer and farther between. The neighborhood looks eerily similar to the one we were in earlier today—rundown houses, cracked sidewalks, I shift in my seat, glancing at Jordan, but she looks completely unfazed, focused on the road ahead.

When we finally pull up in front of a house, my stomach twists. It’s a large, old place with chipping paint and music blasting from inside. There are people lingering on the front porch, passing around drinks and cigarettes, their laughter mixing with the heavy bass of whatever song is playing.

Jordan throws the Jeep in park and turns to me. “Alright, listen,” she says, her voice firm. “Stick with me, have fun, but stay away from Matt and Chris. Got it?”

I roll my eyes, unable to hide my curiosity. “Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

She gives me a knowing look before hopping out of the car. I follow, as we make our way up the front steps and through the open door.

Inside, the air is thick with smoke, the scent of weed and something else I can’t place. The place is packed, people spilling into every room, music vibrating through the floors. Jordan walks in like she owns the place, immediately getting daps and side-hugs from a few guys as we move through the crowd.

“Jordy!” A girl with long, dark braids grins and pulls Jordan into a hug. “I didn’t know if I’d see you tonight.”

Jordan smirks. “Had to make an appearance. Thought I’d bring my girl Y/N with me.” She pulls me forward slightly, and I suddenly feel all eyes on me.

The girl gives me a once-over and smirks. “Cute. You don't really look like you belong here, though.”

Jordan just chuckles. “Last I checked, you're not the one who makes the calls around here, thanks for your opinion though!”

I laugh nervously, as the girl looks me up and down again before scoffing and walking away. Jordan hands me a red solo cup filled with something that smells strong. “Drink up,” she says with a wink. “It’ll help you loosen up.”

I take a sip and wince at the burn, but I don’t complain. The warmth spreads through me almost instantly, and suddenly, the party doesn’t feel as overwhelming. Jordan keeps introducing me to people—some friendly, some giving me lingering looks that make me shift uncomfortably. But with each sip of my drink, I relax a little more.

An hour or so passes in a blur of music, dancing, and conversation. At some point, Jordan disappears into a crowd of people near the stairs, leaving me standing alone in the living room. My cup is empty, and the warmth in my chest is starting to fade, so I decided to get another.

Making my way to the kitchen, I squeeze past groups of people talking and laughing. The kitchen is slightly less crowded, but it’s still buzzing with energy. I grab a bottle of some kind of alcohol, about to pour myself another drink when a deep voice cuts through the noise.

“Didn’t take you for the kind of girl to be here.”

I freeze for a second before turning my head.

Matt.

He’s leaning against the counter, watching me with an amused smirk. His eyes flicker over my outfit, lingering just a little too long on the corset before meeting my gaze again. He’s effortlessly put together—black jeans, a fitted long-sleeve shirt, and that same dangerous charm radiating off him like a magnet.

I clear my throat, trying to keep my cool. “I didn’t take you for the kind of guy who lurks in kitchens.”

Matt chuckles, stepping closer. “I don’t. I was actually looking for a drink, but now I think I found something more interesting.”

I roll my eyes, but my stomach flips. “Smooth.”

He grins. “I try.” His body close enough that I can smell his cologne—something dark and expensive. “So, tell me, Y/N, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

I lift a brow. “You say that like I don’t belong here.”

“Because you don’t.” His voice is low, almost teasing. “You’re different.”

“Different how?” I ask, genuinely curious.

Matt’s eyes flicker to my lips before back up to my eyes. “Too sweet. Too… innocent.” His lips twitch like he finds it amusing. “It’s refreshing.”

I swallow, suddenly feeling like I need another drink. “Maybe.”

Matt chuckles again, shaking his head. “Oh, trust me, sweetheart, you are.” His voice drops slightly, the edge of danger in his tone making my pulse quicken. “That’s why Jordan warned me to stay away from you.”

I blink. “She did?”

“Oh yeah.” He smirks. “Made it very clear. Told me you're too good for me.” He leans in slightly, his voice just above a whisper. “And maybe she’s right.”

I should probably listen to Jordan. Every instinct in me says Matt is the kind of guy I should stay away from. But the way he’s looking at me, the way his presence pulls me in like gravity—I don’t move.

Before I can even think of a response to Matt, another voice interrupts.

“Finally,” the voice drawls. “We get to meet you without Jordan shutting it down.”

I turn my head to see Chris sauntering toward us, looking just as sharp as Matt but with a slightly more mischievous smirk. His eyes flick between me and his brother before settling on me.

“How about you come sit with us? Let us get to know you,” Chris suggests, motioning toward a worn-out couch in the corner of the room.

Before I can answer, Matt’s hand is already at my waist, guiding me toward the couch. My heart pounds as we move through the crowd, Chris leading the way, Matt’s presence heavy beside me.

As soon as we reach the couch, I start to sit down, but Matt subtly steers me to the middle, settling me between him and Chris. The warmth of their bodies on either side of me is immediate, a stark contrast to the slight chill in the air. Matt drapes his arm lazily over the back of the couch, fingertips just barely grazing my shoulder, while Chris stretches out comfortably, his knee nearly touching mine.

Chris grins. “Let’s play a little game. Twenty questions.”

Matt chuckles, his voice low. “You up for it, sweetheart?”

I glance between the two brothers, fully aware of how much trouble I might be walking into. But something about Matt’s quiet intensity and Chris’ playful attitude makes it impossible to pull away.

“Fine,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel. “I’m game.”

Chris smirks. “Alright, I’ll start. First question—where are you from?”

“Just outside the city,” I reply, relaxing just a little.

Matt hums. “Explains why you seem so… untouched.”

I roll my eyes, but my cheeks burn. “Next question.”

Chris leans forward, resting his arm on his knee. “Biggest fear?”

I hesitate. “Losing all of my teeth.”

Matt’s fingers tighten slightly against the couch cushion behind me. “Interesting.”

Chris raises a brow. “What’s your guilty pleasure?”

I bite my lip, thinking. “Old romance novels.”

Chris groans. “Lame.”

Matt, however, smirks. “Nah, that tracks. You seem like the type who loves the idea of some brooding, dangerous guy sweeping you off your feet.”

I don’t respond. The look in his eyes tells me he already knows the answer.

Chris continues. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”

I hesitate before admitting, “Probably this. Sitting between two guys I barely know at a party I wasn’t even supposed to be at.”

Matt’s arm shifts, his fingers brushing against my shoulder. His voice is laced with amusement as he murmurs, “Damn, sweetheart. That’s your craziest thing? We’ll have to change that.”

Chris smirks. “Alright, let’s up this. Next question—what’s your biggest turn-on?”

My breath catches in my throat. My instinct is to play it safe, but the heat from Matt’s gaze and the mischief in Chris’ expression make me feel bold.

“Confidence,” I say, tilting my head slightly. “But not arrogance.”

Chris raises an eyebrow. “So you like guys who know what they want?”

“Yeah,” I admit. “But not the ones who feel like they need to prove something.”

Matt hums, his fingers tracing slow, lazy circles against the fabric of the couch beside me. “Good answer.”

Chris leans in slightly, his grin widening. “What’s your biggest fantasy?”

I keep eye contact with him, watching as his expression darkens slightly with intrigue. My cheeks warm.

“That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” I tease, trying to deflect.

Chris laughs. “That’s the point, babe. You’re the one who agreed to play.”

I bite my lip, contemplating. The heat in the room, the tension in Matt’s touch, the look in Chris’ eyes—it makes me want to say something I normally wouldn’t.

I take a slow sip from my drink, gathering my courage before answering, “I guess I like the idea of someone being completely in control of my body.”

Matt’s fingers tighten slightly behind me, his breath hitching just a little.

Chris whistles. “Damn. You might be more fun than I thought.”

Matt finally speaks, his voice low and edged with something I can’t quite place. “Careful what you admit around us, sweetheart.”

I arch a brow, feigning innocence. “Why’s that?”

Matt smirks, his arm brushing against my back as he leans in, his lips barely grazing my ear.

“Because we don’t play fair.”

tag-

(divider by @cafekitsune) @tbfaptbfae @ch0llies @2muchofaslvt @rockstarchr1s @simply-a-simper @mattscore @watercolorskyy @urfungi @slut4christopherr @mattsturnii @christmastreecake @izzylovesmatt @larnieboox88 @realuvrrr @namelesssav @matts-girlfriend @emely9274

[olivianyx]

UPDATES ON MY JOURNEY

Heyy all! I've been focusing on my senior professional medical year and it has been stressful. So here are some things I manifested effortlessly and a few things without me thinking about it. Long ass post ahead! ⚠️⚠️

1. Getting more pocket money than usual. Like my parents usually transact in my account like a $80 or $100 AUD per month. But in both feb and march this year, they transacted me $500 and $700 AUD! Plus! I occasionally find $10 or $50 cash in my classroom or on the streets sometimes (and they come lie next to my feet 😭) I'd ask everyone in my class if it's theirs, and they say no. What do y'all expect me to do? Like go and give it to the university management?? 😭 hell no, so i kept it lol.

2. MANIFESTED DIOR'S LIP OILS!! 😭😭 LIKE 5 OF THEM 😭 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE OBSESSED WITH LIP OILS 😭😭 AND I WANTED THE RASPBERRY ONE SO BAD, AND GUESS WHAT? I MANIFESTED IT ALONG WITH 4 OTHER SHADESS OMGGG 😭😭😭

3. My crush giving me hints that she's obsessed with me 😭 like she literally told me 'you're so sweet and caring, I've never met a person like this after my grandma' cus her grandma passed away recently and she was so depressed. She even had an eye infection, so she stopped coming to the uni. So i had to make sure she's alright, and met her everyday cus she needed someone real bad. Like she needed to talk to someone and get that thing bothering her outta her head. I was there all along whatever she was going through (don't come at me y'all, ik if we help someone they would say all these things but she's my crush lol so) She's also getting real close to me, like she tells me how annoying people are lol. She loves skin ship, physical touch, being clingy around me, and complimenting me 😭😭 so these are the hints 😭 like friends wouldn't do that right? Would they?? (My friends diss me right in front of everyone 😶)

4. I've always been the type to care too much for the silliest things, nowadays I don't really put my energy into it and become all anxious. My anxiety levels have completely gone down like I'm literally cool asf?? Even while being in public?? Literally yess

5. Manifested getting my hair coloured next week! and my mom permitted me! For my cousin's engagement in april, I wanna be there like the hot younger sister I am lol. I just wanna make my relatives and their kids jealous cus they made fun of me when I was younger (my younger self has been dreaming for this moment) so why not a revenge glow up?? 😭

6. Losing weight even though I eat like a pig due to my study stress. Like literally I ate a 5 course meal one day and lost 2 kgs the next day? (cus I randomly checked my weight for 2 days cus I had to submit my height and weight to the university student records)

7. Getting a natural blush on my face! Like it's such a game changer, I look like a movie star y'all 😭✋🏻

8. My teachers complimenting me for my discipline and high scores. As yk uni professors don't even give af bout students and they complimented me??

9. Getting into a new friend group! My old one was too toxic and they would always bully me (verbally) my new friend group is literally soo damn enjoyable! Like they're the cool kids of the year 😭 and now I'm one too!

10. As I mentioned in my older post that I'm moving into an apartment. We moved in and it was too difficult for me to sleep as the place was new and also there we're disturbances in the night time like stomping noises or playing loud music at night. So the neighbors there were too sweet that they introduced and comforted us that it's okay and if something's bothering us they'll take care of it. And they literally made the people who we're causing those disturbances to vacate out 😭😭✋🏻

11. My hair getting shinier! It was brittle before as I was severely anemic, now my baby hair is back and it's shining ✨

12. I overheard my parents conversing that they should make me audition for an entertainment company....like what? 😭😭✋🏻 when I asked them once years back they denied giving me a 4 hour lecture and now they wanna make me audition?? Like literally 😭 y'all watch me at the Grammy's (after 5 years lol)

13. Getting into the void on command or intention.

14. I literally get free foods everywhere I go 😭😭

15. I got free gifts from my uncle who's living in France! He works at a fashion company and he sent me perfumes and a few outfits (I can't reveal it I'm sorry)

I ONLY WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY LIP OIL, GETTING CLOSE TO MY CRUSH AND FOCUSING ON MY STUDIES. THE REST, I MANIFESTED WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT.

SO WHAT NEXT?

I've decided to respawn to my waiting next month. I'm still scripting how my waiting room should be... So it might take time for me. So till then I'm gonna be strengthening my self concept even more, and also getting more and more excited to be in my waiting room! I want my waiting room to be like a more like a sci fi movie and a princess fairytale combined 😭 (ik I'm weird). Like I just want my favorite anime characters to be there to help me script my DR ✋🏻 So I'm kinda in a more excited mode lately to script my waiting room! Will give you updates on how my waiting room will be in a future post! So until then take care, love you, byeeee byeeee!

- olivia 🤍

[nevertheless-moving]

Jiang Wanyin's Dog Part Two (MDZS AU #7)

Part One

Jiang Feinman the diplomat is horrified that his sons were apparently actively training for war behind his back. And by all accounts, his worst fears are confirmed — he who trains for war trains to start war. He only believes half of what he hears of his boys actions at the Wen Indoctrination Camp (the Xuanwu Cave Massacre, some are calling it) but half is enough. Incredibly disappointed in both of them — also why demonic cultivation? Why? Where did he go wrong? But for some reason the more he tries to talk, to teach, to explain, the more he warns about the unrighteousness of striking first, the worse their conversations go. He's used to that with Jiang Cheng, but now Wei Ying, too? The more he pushes, the less they tell him, so eventually he stops pushing.

(They actually did initially intend to explain the time travel, but he was so disappointed by all the murdering that neither of them want to get into all the much much more worse things they did in their previous life so they just…don't. They don't explain shit.)

He still supports the secret Jiang war preparations cover story, pretending to have approved it in advance to other sects, because what else can he do. Really not thrilled about being backed into a corner on that, even though he does eventually accept and even admire the invention of the ghost path, once Wei Wuxian explains it better. Wei Wuxian maybe cries a little at his Uncle's approval.

Too much faith that the whole perfect servant/ master schtick is a front for brotherhood even before the actual reconciliation, but eh, they get there eventually, so he’s not wrong. Manages the homefront during the campaign mostly, though he has his moments of battlefield glory. Major diplomatic success in getting the Jin Sect to side more definitively with the sunshot campaign.

…Definitely dies. Not right away, but he's not meant for war, ya know? Maybe gets the actual time travel explanation on his death bed. Maybe. Touching goodbye either way.

Then, you know that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says it’s not your fault over and over again? That, except Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin are both saying it to each other. Clinches the reconnection. It’s the worst sort of do over, but Jiang Cheng blaming Wei Ying for his parents first deaths was one of their lowest moments, arguably the point things really started to break between them, so having the perspective to very actively not do that is Big. I’m sorry — this au is about excruciating Yunmeng bros reconciliation, I’ve got to kill at least one family member.

-

Yu Ziyuan approving of the cool distance between the two, proud of her son’s obvious command over Wei Ying, but disgusted by the fact that her son seems to have completely given up on surpassing him. Flabbergasted that A-Cheng is now intercepting Zidian’s strikes on the shameful cretin — his to punish?? What the fuck does that mean? Who’s in charge here? How dare you speak to your mother like that.

Ultimately, Jiang Cheng doesn’t know how to handle being around his mother. He recognizes many of the things he likes least about himself in her. He recognizes many of the things that made him a successful sect leader in her. I mean, on a certain level he already knew he had become his mother, but holy shit.

She's...mixed on handling her son's ascent, to say the least. The fact that his unquestionable power is so inextricably linked to his command over Wei Ying's even more unquestionable power fucks with her so bad. At least Jiang Cheng had some time to get used to the concept.

He's in his late 30s and bristles at any indication of being subordinate to anyone — Mom's included. He also wants to break down in tears and hide behind her, because that's his MOM, but he can’t do that. He’s sect heir. He's started a war. He's leading a war.

Ok, one (1) night crying into her robes that they never speak of again.

She tends to run battlefields and missions away from the duo. Serious pushback from Jiang Cheng about talking down Wei Ying in front of others, purely for pragmatic reasons, of course — that’s their sects best weapon. If she survives the war ("So what if he's not coming back? Can't I do anything without him?") then she spends much of her son’s rule night hunting away from the sect. Does NOT get told about time travel any time soon because they know she would press for details and then kill Wei Wuxian.

-

Jiang Yanli incredibly concerned about her boys after they come back from evil summer camp covered in blood and VERY CLEARLY WAY TOO FUCKED UP FOR A FEW MONTHS AWAY?? Excuse you both you are very clever but are you seriously trying to convince me that you invented a whole ass entire dangerous cultivation path while I was around without me noticing? A-xian, a-cheng are you calling me stupid? No? Good.

On a meta-level, she's built her life around parenting the two of them, there's absolutely no way she buys any story about keeping a long time secret under her nose. The first and possibly only one they actually explain the time travel to, even if they can’t bring themselves to tell her everything.

It's deeply distressing to not actually be the oldest sibling anymore, considering how much she defined herself by that, but her brothers don't actually seem to have noticed, so it works out fine.

Her role in the war is slightly larger than canon; the fact that she's bringing an entire support staff of cooks and medics and cleaners that report to her definitely elevates her status and influence. (Headcanon that she basically managed Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian's PR during the war — she's a lot better equipped to do so in this timeline).

She also would also get Instant Respect as one of a handful of people who holds Wuxian's leash, except Wei Wuxian tends to completely drops all necromantic activity when he's within 50 feet of her. It's actually kindof a problem. He's supposed to be passively maintaining some stuff but he's so freaked out about accidentally hurting her that a few perfectly good corpse armies collapse, meaning he has to raise them again from scratch.

They don't get too involved with it, but a few well timed words avoid the worst of the Soup Accusation Debacle and slightly accelerate the Zixuan/Yanli timeline.

Jin Zixuan is bewildered but mostly relieved by the fact that the lead Jiang disciples abrupt personality shift at the start of the war also came with an apparent rise in personal respect of him specifically? Is this because he obviously stepped to defend Mianmian, even though Wanyin and Wuxian did the real work? Jiang Wanyin is noticeably more courteous speaking to him than pretty much anyone else from his clan. Wei Wuxian is a bit harder to read, as he's stopped talked as much, which is bizarre and also fucking terrifying.

(There's a lot to think and feel in the Cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter. But the fact that Wei Wuxian does not like him and absolutely could have killed him anytime he wanted is definitely up there.)

It's just — even further into the war, when Wuxian starts sometimes relaxing again during downtime, he still avoids Zixuan. Weird but also thank fuck.

-

Lan Zhan is living through a war, sure. But uniquely among his peers, he's also living through a Dark Romance novel! <3

The fun, mischievous boy who he fell in love with at first sight is:

1) the most terrifying powerful dark being who ever lived

2) mildly implied to have ALWAYS secretly been like this and the disobedient but good natured thing was just a cover for the dark truth. Or he might have been corrupted at some point. It's unclear.

3) already in an intense situation-ship with his shidi. (Jiang Wanyin snapping at Wei Ying to stop bothering Lan Zhan and he apologizes politely and then leaves. (Wei Ying definitely yells at Jiang Cheng in private for that but they did agree that he wouldn’t give any public evidence of division with the Jiang sect and publicly flirting with Second Master Lan could admittedly be read as split loyalties)) .

But IN PRIVATE —

(Once the yunmeng bros reconciliation starts getting underway Jiang Cheng feels a little bad about how obviously heartbroken Wei Ying is over losing his husband, and formally arranges with Lan sect for spiritual cleansing sessions after major battles as part of managing his first disciple’s cultivation. Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng are completely surprised when Lan Wanjii himself volunteers.)

— Well, when the two of them are alone together, Wei Ying is — not exactly the same person he fell in love with. But he’s still very much Wei Ying. Teasing, provocative, brilliant, righteous — and, and this can’t be stressed enough — OBSCENELY sexy.

(Yes, Lan Zhan has learned that his bad taste extends beyond what was, in hindsight, rather petty rule breaking. The whole 'One Man Army' thing is attractive alright? The flute is attractive. Gods help him, even the red eyes are attractive.)

But in private — I mean, the first few times Lan Zhan walks in to play Cleansing only to find Wei Ying tied up provocatively from a ‘binding talisman accident’ he takes it at face value. The man's been churning out one revolutionary invention after another, obviously that requires some testing. But it keeps happening, and Lan Zhan is increasingly panicked that Wei Ying can tell what its doing to his penis. He can’t tell, right? Lan Zhan is wearing extra layers to these sessions for that reason exactly and it’s not like his face is easy to read. He can’t know about what he's dreamed of doing with his ribbon. He can't know. He can’t know.

But shit like that keeps happening. Wei Ying casually mentions that he’s been working on a ritual that might make it possible for men to get pregnant, just as an idle experiment, but of course the only ethical person to test it on is himself. Lan Zhan’s dick gets so hard so fast that he almost passes out. Wei Ying, clearly mistaking the sudden lack of visible blood in his body for disgust (please let him think that, please, please) pouts and teases, “What, you don’t think I’d look good pregnant?” Gods be good, he’s holding his stomach and looking up at Lan Zhan through his eyelashes. Lan Zhan didn't even know he was into that! Does this make him more of a cutsleeve or less?? Very nearly goes insane and tries to breed him on the spot. Instead makes a looney toons style Lan Zhan shaped hole in the side of the tent to get away before he bends the man over

Even setting aside the...specifically affecting moments, Wei Ying is so exhausted and soft around Lan Zhan. It makes sense, he's been conquering battlefields, he's been reinventing cultivation, of course he's drained afterwards, that's why Lan Zhan is here — to help rebalance his spiritual energy. But he begs Lan Zhan to take care of him, to feed him, to help him into bed, and it hurts. He knows that it's at least in part a joke but he can't tell how much is him exaggerating his weakness to get Lan Zhan to react and how much is him actually needing help because Jiang fucking Wanyin is ordering him to destroy himself day in and day out, and the whole thing is doing terrible things to the inside of his stomach.

Worry and confusion and fear and anger choking his words even worse than usual, until all he can do is repeat rules about staying away from the crooked path. Lan Zhan scolds him for using resentful energy, sneers at him; he can hear himself and he sounds every inch the jade statue. But somehow, miraculously, Wei Ying understands what he means. He thanks him for being there, for caring what happens to him. Wei Ying tries to reassure him that he'll be alright, really, and how he got 'I am worried about your health' from "your way of living is an abomination" is a mystery, but Lan Zhan is so, so grateful.

Wait.

Fuck.

Wei Ying can either read his face, his words, or his thoughts. FUCK, HE TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING TO MY PENIS.

In public, Wei Wuxian is obediently violent. He's heretical and hyper competent and the only thing that distresses Lan Zhan more than Jiang Wanyin's callous treatment of his undeserved loyalty and talent is the fact that he's starting to wake up in a cold sweat from dreams where Lan Zhan is his leader and Wei Ying follows his orders without hesitation. What does that even mean. He doesn't want to be a sect leader! That would mean that his brother was dead and he would have to talk to people all the time and he doesn't even want Wei Ying to kneel before him! Not like that — not at all — fucking hell, he should not be masturbating this much during a war.

(Not explaining the time travel/ marriage to Lan Zhan is definitely their worst argument after coming back. Difficult compromise says Wei Ying can explain whatever, marry whoever, leave the sect — but only after the war is won and Jiang Sect is secure. Jiang Wanyin does not need Lan Zhan trying to convince Wei Ying to give up demonic cultivation any harder than he already is. He doesn't need him weighing in on shit he doesn't understand with his more-righteous-than-you-attitude. Most importantly, he definitely doesn't need Wei Ying to be running of after his husband when he's supposed to be obeying Jiang Cheng's fucking orders. Wei Ying reluctantly agrees, but he can't give up on having something with Lan Zhan. The end result is maybe a little not great to Lan Zhan, but you know... what's Wei Ying gonna do? Betray his brother's trust? Not chase Lan Zhan's dick? It's an impossible situation and you should feel bad for him. Plus, Lan Zhan's having a hard enough time anyway, he's not good with change. He would probably not handle having the 'died and then married' bombshells dropped on him particularly well. Yeah...

Anyway Lan Zhan is very much going through 'he's such a tortured soul...only I see the vulnerable, loving truth... unless the soft self is the lie and the darkness is the real him... which would be kindof hot... bad, but also kindof hot... because if he actually is irredeemably evil than everything he does in private is him seducing me on purpose, which would be good except it would be a lie which would be bad but maybe he would do things to my body before he did whatever dark demonic things hes planning ... maybe I could convince him to join the light in truth... no i should have more faith in him he clearly still believes in justice and protecting the weak... unless that actually is at Jiang Wanyin's orders but I'm 80% sure that's a lie and Wei Ying is actually the one insisting we don't take food from farmers without repaying them and I'm even more certain he's the one making sure we accept Wen surrenders... I'm a terrible person for doubting the moments we've shared...

Lan Zhan eventually has a minor emotional breakdown and goes to his brother for advice.

The straw that breaks the camels back is working himself into a panic that Wei Ying might be trying to get him to kill his own brother. It's just... he keeps having sect leader/loyal guard sex dreams. They've been getting more elaborate. There's leather for some reason. And then one time his spiritual energy is too depleted after a battle and Xiongzhang covered his cleansing session, and Lan Zhan had to lay in bed healing. Laying there for hours imagining Wei Ying call Xichen 'gege' and get all soft limbed the way he does in his tent after battle... asking to put his head in Xichen's lap. Wearing just his inner robes around Xichen. The intensity of the rage leads him to suspect a dark spell. (It's just vinegar and lust and the cain instinct, but again, Lan Zhan is going through it.)

Lan Xichen hearing the stripped down version of all this like... honey. Sweet child. What the actual fuck.

Yes, I'm sure he's different when he's with you but... Wanjii. Wanjii, please. Think with your brain, not — I am not the one bringing vulgarity into this, don't look at me like that. A-Zhan. No, brother, you can't 'fix' him. Wanjii why even ask me for advice if you're just going to keep doing the same thing.

Xichen really already had enough on his plate before learning that Wei Wuxian is playing psychosexual mind games with his little brother for nefarious reason.

To be fair to Xichen, he absolutely is doing that, even though it's only half on purpose. But those nefarious end goals are in fact sex and marriage, something he's CONFIDENT Lan Zhan would enjoy! Look, Wei Ying knows he could have sat on Lan Zhan's dick day one, even before establishing a real emotional connection, even before providing some evidence that he's not a literal demon seducing him into darkness. He feels he's showing an awful lot of unappreciated restraint in allowing Lan Zhan to come to him when he's ready to move past the whole 'raising undead armies' and 'upending the natural order' and 'my family will never approve' things.

(alright, it hurts more than he cares to admit to himself to see Lan Zhan look at him with fear, with disgust. He's sticken with worry and grief that without their experience in the Xuanwu Cave something fundamental will be missing between them. But it doesn't take too long before Lan Zhan says something so Lan Zhan that it assures him the care and love is still there. Its not the same but Lan Zhan still insists on following him around during the campaign, which means the chance to create New memories side by side and it's...good.)

Plus, younger Lan Zhan is so much easier to fluster and its INCREDIBLY fun to have the upper hand. The man has not finished developing his thick face — he misses his husband like a limb, like an organ, but the younger model squirms so good.

WAY too much of this is relayed to Jiang Cheng during their daily war strategy/ bro gossip sessions.

I actually think Jiang Cheng, in exchange for being the sole person who has to listen to Wei Ying’s (often graphic) pining over Lan Zhan, should get to out his brother.

He should get to out him a few times! For fun and for profit. It’s like wingman-ing, but bitchy, which is I think very in character. Wei Ying is either amused by the various reactions, or in the case of Lan Zhan, genuinely thankful. Sure ‘letting lan zhan come to me when he’s ready and more cool with the ghostly path’ is maybe the right thing to do, but it kinda sucks ass. Also Lan Zhan might actually have a lust induced Qi deviation if he doesn't fuck Wei Ying soon, though you would think that leaving a conspicuously large jade phallus laying around would be enough of a hint. Whatever, let's throw some black powder on that slow burn!

Jiang Cheng implies he might be open to marry Wei Wuxian out of the sect after the war. Sect leaders ‘causally’ asking what sort of girl his ridiculously OP and perfectly servile first disciple might be interested in. Jiang Cheng nonchalantly describing Lan Wanjii to a T (tall, strong in cultivation, musically talented, more inclined to listen than to talk...) while Lan Wanjii pretends not to have accidentally bitten through a spoon.

Someone trying to offer their daughter to the Jiang Clan ("I noticed your young master Wuxian couldn’t help but compliment her beauty—“ “He compliments everyone's beauty. Don’t take it seriously.”). Lan Zhan happens to be there, waiting for an unrelated meeting, and Jiang Cheng can't help but take the opportunity to fuck with him.

Jiang Cheng: Ridiculous petition, don’t you think. Lan Zhan: Mn. Jiang Cheng: As if I’d approve a marriage with everyone my shixiong flirts with. Lan Zhan: Mn. Jiang Cheng: (Pausing while he waits for Lan Zhan to take a sip of tea): He’s obviously a cut sleeve anyway. Lan Zhan: [choking]

After the immediate joy of watching the younger Jade lose his composure, there is later regret because Wei Wuxian is thanking him for giving Lan Zhan a push and. Ugh.

Jin Zixuan on the other hand accidentally gets convinced that Wei Wuxian is in gay love with Jiang Wanyin, while Jiang Wanyin sees Wei Wuxian as a brother, a dynamic Zixuan works very hard to avoid thinking about.

The two sect heirs are having a post battle drink (things weren’t bad between him and the peacock, at the end at least, and it might help things in the future (visiting future nieces and nephews) if they could at least be amicable acquaintances).

The evening's going well enough that Jin Zixuan works up the courage to awkwardly ask about rumors of a betrothal between Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli. Wanyin surprises Zixuan by laughing, instead of getting incandescently angry. Sure, they’ve been drinking, but he didn’t even yell! At all! Jiang Wanyin, still laughing, leans it and confideds that Wei Wuxian has been in love with the same man for years.

Zixuan, shocked: "Wait a man? He’s —" Wanyin, taking another drink: "No sleeves." Zixuan, slightly confused why he’s even being told what's obviously a politically valuable secret: “Who—" Wanyin, forgetting that Wei Ying’s mooning over Lan Zhan is not actually that public, and Lan Zhan’s staring at Wei Ying just looks like glaring unless you’ve been unfortunately coached on reading his microexpressions. Also forgetting that people do not generally understand exactly what’s going on between the Jiang Sect’s heir and first disciple, except that it’s weird and intense: “Take a FUCKING guess” Zixuan: “Holy shit — you mean — oh man, that’s — Wanyin: “Yeah. You’re not the one who has to live with him.” Zixuan: “Couldn’t you — I mean does he have to be here — couldn’t you operate on different battlefields — Wanyin, suddenly enraged: the FUCK does that mean?? Zixuan: What? What did I — Wanyin: you got a PROBLEM with my cutsleeve brother?!? Zixuan: I thought — I thought you — did you say brother — Wanyin: FUCK YOU! Zixuan: I don’t — Wanyin: You think being a demonic rabbit stops him from being my brother?? Zixuan: I didn’t say — Wanyin: This is why your siblings are going to hate you! Zixuan: I — my — what do you mean siblings?? Wanyin: You don’t just — I’m not gonna — you don’t just abandon family! You don’t — you don’t send them away! You don't let them leave and face danger on their own! You don’t abandon them! It doesn’t matter if they’re a cutsleeve pervert or too into murdering people to solve problems! Got it? Zixuan: Alright, fine, sorry — Wanyin: GOT IT?!? Zixuan: Alright! Alright, I got it! Wanyin, sitting back down, muttering: Maybe if you were a better brother your half siblings won’t fuck everything up. Zixuan: what? Wanyin: Let’s get this straight — I get to make fun of Wei Wuxian. But until you marry our sister you don’t get to say shit. Zixuan: I — marry — no one said I — there’s no — Wanyin: GOT IT??T? Zixuan: Okay! Okay, I got it!

Jin Zixuan is extremely relieved to spend the rest of the night drinking in silence.

Close to the end of the war someone messes with their privacy talismans while snooping. So their daily checkin gets overheard and a bunch of people hear them bicker like children (threatening to pee in each other’s socks comes up) and laugh about someone's stupid hat, and trade jokes over a meal, which ruins their Untouchably Intense And Threatening Aura somewhat but honestly the aura was a bit much. Like, we’re allies, aren’t we?

Honestly a relief for a lot of people to find out they’re just teen brothers who are good at killing and putting on a very convincing facade (Wei Wuxian literally calls it his ‘scary face’). ALSO Jiang Cheng makes fun of Wei Ying for his super embarrassing crush, “So he actually greeted you in public! When should I expect a marriage offer?!’” which Wei Ying responds to by describing how lonely his butthole is and the various objects he’s been using to makes himself feel less forlorn, which Jiang Cheng responds to with wretching and throwing things.

So that’s some fun gossip.

(Xichen in particular is relieved that his brother hasn't wildly misjudged Wei Ying's true character, and that the Lan Sect probably isn't going to get subsumed by the Jiang)

The wider cultivation world eventually (post war) gets the explanation that Wei Wuxian can remember his past lives and that’s why he’s Like That.

Life One heavily implied to be evil warlord inventor with some connection to the burial mounds, possibly creating them, who was so reviled as to be wiped from the history texts, fracturing his soul to where Meng Po’s soup leaks out. So that explains a lot. Makes way more sense than someone inventing a whole new cultivation path at seventeen, haha.

Life Two heavily implied to be happy wife of a respected cultivator, which...huh.

(past life husband eventually revealed to be Lan Wanjii’s past reincarnation, who did not remember this but is unfortunately still in love. The public finds the story unbelievably romantic. His family is not thrilled. The cultivation world has mixed feelings).

Timeline on all this unconfirmed. Amount of time in-between reincarnations indeterminate, he doesn’t remember. Will tell anyone who asks too many details about being an excellent wife — apparently he gave his husband a beautiful son but seriously don’t ask because he WILL cry and it’s very disturbing. Vaguely implies that he could be any number of people's grandmother.

Smaller number of people know that Jiang Wanyin also remembers his past lives to some extent, but he won’t talk about it. Wei Wuxian very solemnly whispering to fascinated cultivators that when he went insane in his first life Jiang Wanyin lead an army to stop him and that’s why he trusts him so much to keep under control as his leader now. I repeat: Jiang Wanyin will NOT be taking questions.

My MDZS AU Masterlist

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Jungwon's Career Energy Reading

Okay, excited to get to my ULT here and see what is happening with him for his career. I always feel he is eager to talk, so let's see what he can share.

Looking at the Water card and The Fool card, aww sweetie are you being very emotional at the moment, has he been crying? He seems to be in an emotional place regarding his career at the moment and he could be crying a lot to be honest. Now, he may need to be careful in this energy, because this card along with the KOS's energy, he can be pretty cruel and mean with his words at the moment, or he lashes out instead of dealing with his emotions. He lashes out with harsh words instead.

I believe he is feeling extremely sensitive at the moment. This Fool card is giving me he may even show himself crying, which I hope doesn't happen, but like I see the mask being pulled away and tears going down, or he may not be able to hide his tears behind the strong exterior he often likes to show. Aww, this is kind of sad. Although, there is nothing wrong with crying. I feel fans freak out when idols cry and I see him not wanting fans to feel sorry or worry for him, so he may do this behind the scenes.

Now, with this Monk card, he seems to be pretty focused on himself on his own journey, searching for what he truly desires and needs. I see him trying to connect with himself and maybe grow on a personal level or even spiritual level. He may be connecting with spirituality right now, since the Water card also indicates connecting with one's spirituality. That would be cool if he is doing this. Now, with this King of Swords energy I mentioned, this is his energy. He is very smart and wise. He is someone who has a lot of information and has a lot of ideas about things.

He can also be a bit stubborn, a bit overly logical about things, or always tries to rationalize things that maybe he shouldn't. I see this boy having a lot to say to be honest, a bit of a smart ass, to be honest. There could be a cockiness or confidence to him that he has about the things he knows. I just think back to his idol reading and how they try to make him small, because this boy may be the type to criticize and say things about what they do. I feel I have this sense in past readings of him, this was before I posted his readings where he may question what they do or think he can do things better. He may express this to them as well. Because KOS's energy isn't afraid to speak their mind about things. They are pretty confident about their values and opinions.

Yeah, boy is about that money. He wants to hold tight to his success and the financial gain he can get from it. He can be pretty stingy when it comes to his career and money. This boy would do anything to maintain the position and career he has. I am so freaking confused about the 10 of Cups being here, this is something about family and with the 7 of Swords, is he keeping things from family? I also see things with him hiding or taking information, also he likes to have the upper hand, which is why he keeps this information, boy is sneaky af. But what does this have to do with family. Jungwon I got no time for these riddles you give me lol I swear he always gives me hints to things but doesn't flat out share it. I believe it is for my protection, so I get it. It is always about hiding information with him, or him gathering it.

He seems to do it for his security and his ability to stand on his own. Omg the message that I am getting ya'll this is wild. I am kind of getting he hides how much money he actually makes from family, like I feel these idols have to pay money to their parents as they owe them or some sh** and he is like nah, that is for me lol I can't believe where that took me. I could be making this sh** up but that is what I am getting from him. That is kind of funny. He is giving me I love ya'll, but I don't owe you sh**.

I can also see the 10 of Cups being the members to as he sees them as family, so this could apply to them as well, but mainly his real family I am getting there. Financial security is also very important to him. Like that would be what his happy ending is. He may also do that for his future family he may have. Honestly this goes along with what I read about the mentality of Koreans from that vlogger, so this aligns with it. But if one day Jungwon spills all of HYBE''s tea, I am here for it.

Now, he has the Soul Contracts card, no clue wtf this means for him, but basically it says he was spiritually contracted to go through this experience for his soul growth, nothing too wild there. Not sure why and how this helps him, but that is what that card means and with the Butterfly spirit, it may be to help him out of his cocoon. To help him flourish and grow as a person. I feel this can all help him level up somehow. There seems to be a transformative energy surrounding him. I just see him leveling up as an individual and his career can help him build on that.

I always enjoy reading for this boy and this time was no different. He always takes me on a journey, and he is very easy to read with the exceptions of his riddles, but I understand why he does that.

[talenlee]

Talen's Birthday, 2024

Somehow this one feels less of a big deal than last year. I dunno, maybe it’s because turning forty has been a big monument in my mind, turning forty-one feels just like turning forty again.

I had a fanciful idea that I could do something with the fact that 41 is a prime age; that I have turned 1, 3, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37 and now 41, and then I thought it’d be interesting to see if I ever turned a prime age in a prime year. Now, if you’re at all good at math you’d be able to point out that by being born in 1983, every year I turn an odd age, the year is even and vice versa, meaning that for roughly half the population at any time, they’re never a prime age on a prime year, since no even number is a prime.

It’s not a complicated math puzzle here.

Making a birthday post on my birthday doesn’t feel that special now. It’s not a milestone, it’s not important. Comically, because City of Heroes is burned into my brain, I do think of 41 as a level where you used to get access to your first Epic Power Pool choice (except now you get them at level 35, which is cool). It’s good though: This was a good way to fight the anxiety of the birthday. I remember when I turned 35 I had a real horrible moment thinking I was done, that I had wasted my entire life up to that point. I remember part of what made it okay was seeing Adam Savidan on Youtube, playing Magic: The Gathering and saying ‘I’m thirty five or thirty four years old and I don’t need this.’

A thing about Loading Ready Run that makes me feel a tiny bit bad is that it’s this big long project that a bunch of friends have been making and running for twenty years, as an ongoing hobby that became a job and then became an institution managing multiple people creating things. Sometimes I get sad thinking about how what got that big project to happen was, in part, two dudes with supportive parents and supportive school supplies in the late 90s were able to work on a project, together, for long enough to become very good at it.

How do you do something for twenty years?

Well, you start.

You start, and you keep working on it while you work on things.

The internet of today is poisoned. The internet of today demands you create for it, it wants you to produce Content. Your status updates, your pictures, your everyday drama, your existence, they are all things that are being fed into advertising machine to space out the ads in the name of being ‘content.’ It isn’t how it used to be. It used to be people had websites for their special interests, the interest being the primary thing. My first website I can remember was an Animorphs fanfiction space, and I remembered how when I stopped trying to host other people’s fanfiction, and instead just hosted my own, the one author I took down got sad at me. She was probably also like, fourteen like I was.

It used to be that people made things because they wanted to share them. It used to be that people were making websites and stories and web-novels and web-comics and diaries and blogs and vlogs and microgames and RPGs and they were making stuff. It was stuff. It was not for consuming in its own continual sense, it was not being part of a pipe of things that were fed to you, it was not content, it was a lot of different stuff and that difference gave everyone a reason to do things.

But now, it’s Content.

Now, your effort, your creative material, is being pushed into a single tube for four companies who suck and you know they suck and you don’t like them and yet you make things for them anyway. Because that’s where it is. That’s where the habit forms.

Arbor Day - The Lads // Arbor Day

Watch this video on YouTube

I’m fond of this song, Arbor Day by a band that can be politely described as ‘pretty good, for a Church choir.’ The song, very simply, is that hey, do you need a reason to make a change in your life? Well, today is Arbor day, that’s a good enough reason.’ It’s been an idea bubbling around in my head that yeah, Arbor Day is a nearly arbitary reason to make a big change in your life, but that may be all you need. Sometimes you just need something, anything to mark the psychological change between ‘before I tried this’ to ‘after I tried this.’

Here’s my request for you, on my birthday.

There is something you want to make. There is something you care about. There is something you are interested in trying. Today is a day to do that. Today is a day to even just describe a plan, or a hope. Do you want to write a book? Write a description of what that book is about. A series of books? Describe all of them! Do you want to make games? Start, download one of the programs you need to use today.

Don’t waste money on things for this post’s sake, but you know there are steps you can take to make things, and I want you to make them. I believe in a world where people make things because we like making things, I believe in a world of creative people playing with creativity, and I believe that the important thing of online spaces ie being able to share them.

So please, make something, and show it to me.

No matter how small it is, no matter how little progress on it you get to make. Just spend a little time today starting something, continuing something or finishing something.

I’ll be proud of you, no matter what.

I promise.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog 11: Episode 7, Bashi the Shark

AKA the one where I admit I think my naming scheme for these liveblogs is actually unspeakably stupid, yet will not proceed to change it.

Joris, I will be real, the reasons are too long to list.

Your whole life is a sad story, old man. Every episode of this show should have a "a little sad" content warning by this logic.

For all the shit I give Kerubim, he's teaching Joris something pretty important — to talk about his emotions, instead of bottling them up, — and he repeats it often enough that Joris uses this particular line to make fun of Kerubim, meaning it comes up a lot. ...I think what makes him try and hammer this lesson into Joris, is that he's scared Joris will grow up to be like him: obsessed with being Cool and Awesome, emotionally unavailable, and isolated from other people due to his nasty personality and mental illnesses. Time will prove that Joris is a guy who is literally ALL of these things, albeit in some very un-Kerubim-ish ways. Which is both sad, and hilarious. History did not just repeat itself, — it swerved, and wrote a really sick haiku, by making Joris into a sort of an... Even-More-French-Kim-Kitsuragi. Even if Keke couldn't prevent it, the attempt still counts. He gets a cookie for being a good dad, this once.

JORIS NUCLEAR ":3" MOMENT, I REPEAT, JORIS NUCLEAR ":3" MOMENT. A LEVEL 10 "( ￣ω￣ )" EVENT. LITTLE CATBOY DETECTED.

They're so funny together, and they love each other so much... I don't have good analysis. I just want to gush.

For all the jokes I make, they have one of the most realistic and well-written "single parent & single child" relationships in any media I know, with all the positives and negatives that includes.

Obligatory pointing out of food: They are both drinking water with ice, though Kerubim has a lemon and leaves (perhaps it's mint? Or catnip, if we're being spicy?) in his, while Joris has a lime.

Second of all:

I love how his nickname is just "THE negotiator". Despite Kerubim's more whacky antics, he's a pretty very smart guy. He wouldn't be known as "THE negotiator" otherwise.

He tries to hide it, but even as a young adult he's very well-read, which, when paired with his social skills, becomes a pretty good arsenal for negotiating and emissary work.

For someone who's very fun-loving and sillywhacky in his personal life, he can act surprisingly cool and collected during a job, even while scared, while still being unserious enough to do some really insane shit if things go wrong.

This entire description, and his body language, remind me a lot of another negotiator-emmisary character, though.

I wonder why.

Unlike Joris, though, he's not that good at rushing into situations with a fearless, almost iop-like "FUCK IT WE BALL" attitude.

He still rushes into them, I mean, but he rushes into them afraid and praying, y'know?

[blorbologist]

Modify Memory and Cass?

27. Modify Memory

"You attempt to reshape another creature's memories. One creature that you can see must make a Wisdom saving throw. If you are fighting the creature, it has advantage on the saving throw. On a failed save, the target becomes charmed by you for the duration. The charmed target is incapacitated and unaware of its surroundings, though it can still hear you. If it takes any damage or is targeted by another spell, this spell ends, and none of the target's memories are modified.

At Higher Levels: If you cast this spell using a spell slot of 6th level or higher, you can alter the target's memories of an event that took place up to 7 days ago (6th level), 30 days ago (7th level), 1 year ago (8th level), or any time in the creature's past (9th level)."

“Your brother,” says Scanlan, “is going to kill me.”

Cassandra de Rolo was expecting some sort of dramatics from him, so she finishes her sip of tea before placidly replying, “Only if you tell him.”

The bard has just the faintest bit of grey in his hair, now. Or maybe he always had it, but Cass never noticed while he was here. Now - after the year of absence, after Vecna, after the wedding - he wears his charisma more naturally. Less armor, more a well-fitted jacket.

She’d like to think the time away changed him. It’s what she’s gambling on, quite frankly.

Scanlan continues to pace, frowning. “Okay, sure, but the last few times I’ve done this people got really fucking pissed at me. Which, I get it now, it was not cool. Kaylie really laid into me for the whole Jarett thing -”

Cass does not know about the whole Jarett thing. She does know about the stunt that brought her here. Or, more accurately, had her summon Scanlan as discreetly as she could while not leaving room for him to make any crude jokes.

‘Grand Mistress of the Grey Hut’ was almost funny, when Vex’ahlia told her the story. Almost, mostly for how Percy turned beet red, less for how his fingers twitched when he described the uncanny effect of his memory being fiddled with. How, for those moments, that was his reality. 

“I don’t want to live with this anymore,” she says quietly, before she can sink too deeply into her thoughts. At least this confirms Scanlan is paying attention - he stops to look at her, brows furrowed in concern.

She doesn’t trust Scanlan as far as she can throw him. Which is farther than most would think - rapiers are light but it takes a good arm to move them fast - but the point still stands.

But he’s a father, now, and apparently devoted enough to the role to take it seriously. Enough to put his child first. That newfound parental instinct is what she’s hoping will get him to agree - and, more importantly, behave.

There’s a tense moment where Scanlan hovers by the door, almost considering leaving. They both know Percy and Vex are with baby Vesper in the courtyard, and he could snitch on her easily. 

Instead, he relents and sits. “Is this oolong? I’d hope the staff know I like oolong by now.” It is, actually, and Cass had kept it in mind. She indulges in a little smirk when he smiles at the taste. Barely. “So. Modify Memory. What’s the order?”

Cass inhales chamomile and mint through her nose. Subtly, as she’d learned to do beneath Delilah’s gaze. It doesn’t smell like the castle, but like she’s outside, in the sun, in the grass. Away from these trembling stone walls.

“Seven years ago,” she says. “The day the Briarwoods attacked. After dinner.”

She’d considered asking him to remove the sight of Sylas. Sylas, again, a few weeks ago. He’d killed Vex’ahlia. He could have killed her, and baby Vesper, and - 

But, no. Too many people were there, and knew she was there, and would be confused if she did not recall the events in all their terrible clarity.

Percy lost sight of her, during the massacre. They never spoke of it. And never will.

(She does not want to see the deep stain in the hardwood and know who it was. She does not want to remember Julius’ face. She wants to pretend, play pretend, a little girl with her dolls, that she had hid her face in her skirts and hid herself in the walls and hadn’t looked.)

Scanlan grimaces. “That far back? Well, fuck, okay. Not like I use that much juice often anyways.” He takes a long sip of his tea, like he might a hard liquor. “Okay. Alright. I can only change ten minutes of your memory. You know that, right?”

Cassandra had not. But she looks back - for the last time, if this goes well - and says,

“Ten minutes should do it.”

“Fuck,” says Scanlan.

[Send me a spell and I'll write a ficlet/snippet to go with it!]

[dats-hq]

Ryo- 1, 2, 7, 21,22, 

Miu and Saki- 13, 18, 26, 30

Hey did you know that if you accidentally press Ctrl-Z one single time on Tumblr desktop sometimes it will undo 90% of your post and not give you the option to Ctrl-Y? Because I didn't until now ahahhahahahahahahahaha (I am now Piedmon)

Guess I'll just rewrite the entire thing lol

Ryo

First impression? I knew he was going to be cool. That hair? That jacket? That KUNEMON? When I found out he was rude, it was all over.

When I started to truly like him? Honestly don't have a good answer for this lol. I thought he was great from Part 1. His emotional spiral was visible from orbit and I was already stressed about saving him by the time I fought the first spider Kemonogami boss.

7. A quote I remember? [in response to Takuma asking if he knew which Kunemon was real in Part 5]

"Sorta? I couldn't understand what the others were saying, just the real one, so."

I just love the image of Ryo surrounded by the sounds of kew kew and being totally lost until he hears his kew kew.

21. When was he happiest?

I think it's got to be some time when he was able to just vibe with Kunemon. Like when he's shit-talking Takuma and Kunemon is like "Kew" and Ryo is like "haha so true", or when he surprised Kunemon with a gift he made himself and it was training equipment specifically designed for Kunemon's body. [no idea how that works but I love it]

22. When was he at his lowest?

Aside from the obvious answer of Part 3, I think there's a lot to be said about how Ryo tries to drag everyone down to his level in Part 1 and 2. Like he just can't stand that the others have hope. I like imagine this betrays some deep-seated trauma with getting his hopes up about his mom because of adults sugarcoating the updates on her health too much early on. Regardless of if you like that headcanon, I still love how fucked up Ryo gets in the early chapters.

Miu

13. Favorite friendship

Honestly? Perfect tie between Syakomon and Takuma. I love how Syakomon is her only-slightly-less-unhinged collaborator and hypemon, and I love how Takuma is the only human who really consistently treats Miu like a fellow human.

18. How do I think they were as a kid?

Talked with some friends a while ago about how fucked up it is that Miu's parents believed some random stalker over their own daughter, and it makes me think she was always a "problem child". High energy, low impulse control, very little intuitive understanding of social norms.

Feel free to read that any kind of neurodivergent way you'd like.

26. When were they the most "themselves"?

No moment sticks out in my mind for this question as intensely as when Miu gave a prayer to the old school near the end of Truthful route, thanking it for keeping everyone safe and eventually convincing everyone to do the same. It was just so earnest and heartfelt and uncorrupted by any worry about how Kaito or anybody else would judge the behavior. Love that for her.

30. Funniest scene they had?

[Takuma desperately courting Miu's help to get everyone else to calm down in Chapter 6, even addressing her by her preferred royal title]

Miu: Hmm, nah, can't help. Thanks for calling me Lady Miu though >:3c

Saki

13. Favorite friendship

Well since I guess I'm just straight-up a Saoki shipper at this point, I'll say Miu. I spent a lot of time thinking about their relationship back when I wrote Not My Problem, and there's a lot of potential there that the structure of the game itself doesn't really allow to get explored. They kind of both have the same deal going on emotionally, not feeling like they have a place in their communities and lacking independence, and yet outwardly they have entirely opposite vibes (always a fun dynamic). They never really talk about their feelings with each other, so you'd think they wouldn't get along because of those opposite vibes, yet they seem to really enjoy each other's company from what little we see in the prologue and a few Free Action conversations where they both talk about how the other seems like they'd be cool to be friends with.

Every time I replay Survive, that first conversation they have about going to see the Kemonogami realm means so much to me.

18. How do I think they were as a kid?

Saki strikes me as a very quiet, antisocial kid. Like she made friends relatively easily, but never because she was the outgoing one. Obviously that's changed by the time we meet her, but Saki always feels like someone who has changed a lot even before the game begins.

26. When were they the most "themselves"?

Bro this is such a hard mode question for Saki lmao

The first answer that pops to mind is when Takuma gets back from the human world and he talks to Saki and she's super casual about telling him about her surgery and they also just tease Aoi a bit together. The usual secrecy isn't something Saki actually wants, it's something she thinks she needs.

30. Funniest scene they had?

Well, if it was just about a single line, I'd say when Minoru shows up on the bridge in Part 2 trying to act all brave and she's just like "When did you grow some balls, Minoru!?" but it's not exactly a funny scene overall so

Going to go with when you find her snacking on some nuts and then when Aoi asks about the missing nuts she's just like "woah look what I just found this exact second!" and throws them at Takuma.

[alloveydovey]

Dramas I watched this past month! The month of the rewatch. (Also spoilers!)

Crush (cdrama) 6.5

This had such a strong start and then went downhill bad (like really bad).

Psychology student decides to sort of intern (? at a special education school and meets a blind braille teacher there. There’s also music involved.

Like in most cdramas I’ve watched, everyone behaves like a twelve-year-old, and the conflict starts out of things that an adult should be able to prevent. The main couple drastically changes in the second half, and it’s like you are watching a whole other drama.

Into the Ring (kdrama) (rewatch) 10 ⭐️

My eternal love to Nana in this (and in general. I’m in love with her). Se Ra is probably my favorite FL from all the dramas I’ve watched.

I remember being very skeptical the first time I saw this (because politics, kinda boring?) but it was so worth it.

Park Sung Hoon is also such an excellent companion to all of her craziness. His and Nana's chemistry was one of the best ones. The awkward but somehow very comfortable atmosphere you feel while watching them is next level. Still one of my favorite dramas. 10/10, I adore it.

Doona! (kdrama) 8

I still have mixed feelings about this one. The sort of angst romance was on point. Actors were good, narrative was fast-paced and kept me entertained. Doona is presented as a complex character and so the story even with happy moments, feels very bittersweet. But even with all that, I feel like I'd have to watch it again because there’s something that puts me off but I can’t quite decide what it is exactly.

I also want to know why they had her wearing tiny tank tops and shorts in snowy winter lol…

A Business Proposal (kdrama) (rewatch) 8.5

The first time I watched a business proposal I didn’t really like it. I thought it was way too cliche and absurd and dropped it after the third episode. It was the fourth kdrama I had watched after Crash Landing on You, Hometown Cha Cha Cha, and Twenty-Five Twenty-One so like… it had big shoes to fill in. I came back to it eventually and finished it.

Now after rewatching… I think learned to appreciate a good over-the-top rom-com (they became my favorites lol) and this definetly hits all the boxes. It feels like an instant classic. Also music 10/10.

Usokon (jdrama) 7

If it is marriage contract/fake dating then sign me the fuck up!!! Usokon started strong but at some point (around episode 8/9) I started getting frustrated. We know that there are feelings involved, but nobody is doing anything about it. The ML (even though he absolutely steals the show) doesn’t do anything to move forward, and the FL is too clueless to make a move. And so there’s not enough romance in a drama that is primarily romantic since the main focus is their fake marriage/ relationship. Also, it had such a frustrating ending!!!

My Girlfriend is a Gumiho (kdrama) 7,5 ⭐️

Nothing beats old kdramas, they have such a particular nostalgic vibe that makes you unable to stop watching. My girlfriend is a gumiho was so sooo stupid, childish, and even cringe, but so cute!!! Every time Shin Min Ah and Lee Seung Gi were together on screen I couldn’t stop smiling. I can totally see this one becoming a comfort drama. Another one with soundtrack 10/10.

Daily Dose of Sunshine (kdrama) 9

I read somewhere that this was like a mental health for dummies book, and to be honest, it’s kind of like that, but it works so well! The way they visualized mental disorders was so creative, I was impressed.

All the characters were intriguing enough to keep me going. Everyone had something to offer here. Even the patients from each episode.

Watching this felt deeply sad yet deeply comforting as well. Park Bo Young absolutely kills it (as usual. QUEEN).

Twinkling Watermelon (kdrama) 9.5

This one was pure gold. Time travel to meet the younger version of your parents? Sign me fuck up. The idea of sending Eun Gyeol back in time to try to understand his family and live his youth is such a cool (and emotional af) premise. It had the ideal balance of comedy and emotion. I feel like sixteen episodes weren’t enough. I could have sat there for another twenty episodes watching those teenagers being silly lol.

[omgkalyppso]

is it obnoxious to ask for all answers at once for étoile?

It isn't obnoxious for you to ask at all! But it's obnoxious for me to answer! Everyone's just going to have to cope! akjsdfjkahsdf Thank you for the ask!

1.Tell us about your Tav! Name, class and subclass, race, pronouns. Do you have a headcanon for where they're from? Their family? Are they a Dark Urge? Or did you choose an Origin Character? Was it an easy decision?

Étoile Ienith (they/he) was a Devotion Paladin for all of Act 1. In Act 2 at level 8 they became an Oathbreaker Paladin. They're a high elf who was adopted by a drow and a human werewolf in the Earthfast Mountains at 4 years old. If their birth parent(s) were from somewhere else before then, they don't remember, and it isn't really relevant to them. They aren't a Dark Urge at the moment, but when I play a Dark Urge oc next, then I might incorporate pieces or the whole thing into my headcanons for them.

It was an easy decision. I've had early access for almost the full three years and even before Paladin was an option (played as a Fighter) I knew that's what Étoile was going to be. I wondered for ages whether they'd be able to Lay On Hands heal Astarion or if they'd hurt him: in tabletop d&d healing magic like this deals damage to Undead which Vampires are considered.

Being the shield of people, especially in honor of / the same style as their mother (my sword and shield skyrim dragonborn oc Wylla), is baked into Étoile's personality. The mystery of the daedric prince Azura was part of the Neutral aspects of their personality. Étoile was meant to be Neutral Good, but by Act 3, they're not quite who they were at the beginning of their journey and I love that for them.

2. Was there something about the character creator that just couldn't capture your Character? Please tell us about their hair, facial hair, tattoos, piercings, disabilities, their trans or intersex body, or anything else you're comfortable sharing.

While I wanted Étoile to have the face and musculature that they do from the masc body options, I do picture them as having breasts / not having a lot of physical transitioning (?) going on. Their presentation should be mostly in attire. Scars from blades and arrows or armor bent into them would be cool too.

Also no one's called me out on it but I fucking forgot (tbh I couldn't find it in the cc when I was making Étoile in full release) to add their rose tattoo to their neck. It's still there imo. If it were there, it would be inaccurate in that I'd want it to be in "full color" with a red rose and green leaves.

4. Do you remember in which order you recruited your companions? Which companion introduction would have felt the most familiar / like home to your Tav / Character?

Shadowheart, Astarion, Gale, Wyll, Lae'zel, Karlach. I recruited Lae'zel before Wyll in all my early access playthroughs but I ... couldn't find her, lol.

I included this question because I wanted to hear about people's oc's who were used to a mugging (Astarion) vs those who were magical nerds (Gale) and so on. Étoile gets Wyll for this question. More accustomed to a battlefield and Aradin's betrayal in an adventure.

6. Were you able to save everyone when the goblins stormed the gates at the Grove?

No! I didn't care that one of Aradin's companions died though. Étoile would have felt bad for being unable to save them, but. Things happen.

7. Did you enter the Grove?

Yes. uwu

8. Do you have a favorite member of the Druid Circle? Is it the same as your Character's?

Are we counting Halsin? akjsdfhkadjs I know I didn't mean to.

Rath. A voice of reason that comes too late and too weak to have merit.

Étoile probably likes Nettie more, as she proved more competent.

10. Do you have a favorite member of the Goblin Camp? Is it the same as your Character's?

Maybe one day my favorite will be Minthara. For the moment, my favorite is a goblin who's name I can't even recall. The one with his new jeans / blue pants.

Étoile probably had the best experience with Grat the Trader.

11. Do you have a favorite member of the Act 1 Githyanki? Is it the same as your Character's?

My favorite is the one who has the most characterization: Kith'rak Voss. I thought he might end up being one of the Three: the armored elf, and that we wouldn't recognize a githyanki in a vision. He's still interesting to me.

At the end of Act 1, Étoile wouldn't really have been able to pick a githyanki ally outside of Lae'zel; nor a favored enemy, lol.

12. Do you have a favorite member of the Zhentarim? Is it the same as your Character's?

Rugan. He reminds me of the opening of 5e campaign The Storm King's Thunder.

I suppose Étoile would like him too, he was cordial.

13. Do you have a favorite character from the Underdark? Is it the same as your Character's?

I don't know that I can pick a favorite. I really liked both Sovereign Spaw and Sovereign Glut. They added depth (haha) and intrigue in an unexpected way.

Étoile had the most positive interactions with Blurg. They appreciated the way Blurg was trying to live, the allies he was entertaining, and took advantage of his sales.

14. Do you have another NPC you loved from a faction not mentioned above? What about your Character?

I wish we could have saved / allied with Dhourn! At least for a little while if he insisted on fighting at the Adamantine Forge. But it would have been cool to see him to his goal.

Étoile probably wouldn't have had very strong feelings about characters not from the factions listed above, but I'll mention that while Étoile would have felt a smidge of guilt overhearing the conversation between Lunkbug and Beldron but even before Lunkbug confirmed in conversation that they were married that their dynamic was just So sweet and loving that Étoile was endeared to them and would have presumed they were together.

15. How did the situation with the Grove, the Tieflings and the Goblins turn out for your Character?

Étoile felt that the grove should have removed Kagha as soon as the Shadow Druid plot was revealed, and they felt vindicated by Halsin's decision, to demote her to the role of apprentice, when the time came. They made their way into the Goblin Camp with lies of being hired for work, and then made their entrance from the crumbling wall at the top of the Shattered Sanctum, killing only a few goblins at the exterior, and only those between them and their goals inside: the ones torturing Liam, the ones outside of Halsin's cage, and those who defended the goblin leaders.

They felt allied to the Tieflings through association with Wyll and Karlach, and were generally fair in their dealings with them. They did allow Lae'zel to be mean / threatening, with the excuse of cultural differences and the presumption that she wasn't actually going to hurt anyone. The Tieflings seemed no worse for wear by the evening of their party.

16. Did you save Halsin?

Yes. In early access years ago I remember what a surprise and delight his appearance was. He's wonderful.

17. What does your Character think of Withers?

When they met Withers, they would have assumed him an overzealous man who sought immortality for the answers to life's most puzzling questions, hoping that some day they would be common knowledge. The more time they spend with him, Étoile is less certain of his origin.

18. How did your Character deal with Wyll, Karlach and Mizora?

Étoile convinced Wyll to stand down. They worried Mizora was going to kill Wyll as soon as she arrived, and felt sorrow about the tortures he went through in the blink of an eye, but felt worse when Karlach said no one had ever stood up for her like that before.

19. Did your Character spend a night with a companion either the night of the party or earlier? Is it someone they have a continued interest in?

Étoile spent the night with Astarion. They've been fond of him at least since he came around stumbling for blood. Yes, they have a continued interest in him.

20. How did you deal with The Artist - Oskar Fevras? Did you even encounter him?

Étoile both bought him out of slavery and gave him some gold to go on his way. I also took control of Astarion to ask about a portrait; not quite a mirror image, but hopefully appeasing. I am looking forward to finding Oskar in Baldur's Gate.

21. What are your Character's thoughts on the strange artifact that was in Shadowheart's possession? Did it jump to your pack because you changed her out of your party?

Étoile is a little unsettled by the artifact having emotions in Act 1. They wonder if they wouldn't have felt more secure if it had just been a cursed object and not, feeling. It did jump to their pack and they went and told Shadowheart almost instantly. Her understanding was unexpected.

22. How did your Character resolve the situation with Sovereign Glut, if you met them?

Étoile helped Sovereign Glut get their vengeance, but then wouldn't turn on Sovereign Spaw. If there could be only one Sovereign, then it would the Sovereign who believed there could be more than one Sovereign, and who Étoile hadn't interpret as weak or inept by their actions or how they defended their people.

23. What are your Character's thoughts on the dream visitor?

They're so conflicted in Act 1. I designed their Guardian to look like a version of their god, Auril. And Étoile would be entranced by such a person, would be driven to believe them, which only makes them more suspicious.

24. Was your illithid tadpole empowered by anything in Act 1? If so, how does your Character feel about that?

At the end of patch 4 early access, I had Étoile run around and do a bunch of things I didn't expect they'd do in full release, like take Ethel's deal, or allow Omeluum to mess with the tadpole; but I was so fascinated by what happened with Omeluum that I was tempted to do it in full release anyway, an unhappy accident. I was worried having no access to the tadpole's potential might hinder Étoile in late-game. However, in full release I accidentally used the mushrooms Omeluum needed while crafting, lol. So no, I stood by my initial plans and didn't empower Étoile's tadpole.

25. Did your Character take the mountain pass?

Étoile actually paced back and did the mountain pass in Act 2. They'd done nearly everything in Act 2, but when Lae'zel said she'd leave the party if we didn't go the the Githyanki Creche Right Now, I looked up some stuff online and found there was no consequence to doing so. So we went and did that then and then continued on with the Act 2 material.

26. What was your favorite enemy? Did your Character have any memorable fights or moments in combat that were ripe for headcanons and interpretation?

I love tactical rpg's. I love big fights that take an hour when I can beat them, lol. My favorite fights in Act 1 were True Soul Gut, the Githyanki on the Risen Road, the duergar of Grymforge, and Nere. I even considered reloading my save at the Windmill when I succeeded on an intimidation roll because I'd remembered really enjoying that fight in early access.

I guess my favorite enemy might still be Dror Ragzlin, but he wasn't as hard for my party to beat / he didn't have enough high healthbar mini-bosses around him to make him a favorite fight. But narratively? The lead up to him with the crash of the nautiloid, Volo's song, and at least three quest markers to defeat him, the way he called upon the unexpected illithid corpse, and his spectacular design, made him an excellent enemy.

I'm playing on the average difficulty for Étoile.

Étoile is a sword and shield based Paladin and I get so much use out of Protection. In Act 1 I either had Astarion around corners or both him and Wyll up under either side of Étoile to take advantage of it. Wyll has also had the gloves of missile snaring. I can't think of specific moments right now, but just the idea of them being able to look at my elf in all their defensive glory as they brace themself against an attack meant for them? I love it!!! Lae'zel is my usual other party member and while she can stand on her own, I think this ability to protect a collective is part of what endeared her to them.

27. Who ended up in your Character's most used party?

As mentioned, Étoile (devotion paladin), Astarion (assassin rogue), Lae'zel (battle master fighter), Wyll (pact of the bald warlock).

28. Did you recruit Scratch the dog? Did you encounter him at all?

I did!

29. Did you adopt an owlbear? Do you have a name for your child?

No. I didn't have Étoile fight the owlbear or do more.

30. Do you have other pets as a ranger or in headcanon?

I don't yet, but I kind of want Étoile to have one or many cats.

31. Does your Character have new or old phobias or superstitions that affect their story?

I am sure Étoile has a number of superstitions that make sense to no one, but none so far that would affect their story.

34. How did your Character resolve the situation with Nere and the gnomes?

Étoile found the gnomes and told them (truthfully) that they already had Smokepowder, so I understand I missed out on some content, but Étoile sent Astarion and Wyll up onto the ledge in the right of the map, and they and Lae'zel stayed on the floor as Astarion got the first blow on the guard on the ledge. They dealt with the duergar, and then blew out the rubble to free Nere to face him. Besides the gnome you cannot save in Nere's cutscene, they got everyone out that they meant to, I think.

36. Did your Character find the Adamantine Forge? Did they use it? What did they make?

Yes. I think I would have missed out on the second piece of mithral ore if I hadn't been told about it. I made each a suit of heavy and medium armor for Étoile and Lae'zel. The fight was sooo hard to do with the hammer. I was told I would have had a much easier time if I'd used bludgeoning weapons with the pair of them.

37. Did your Character find the Necromancy of Thay? How are they handling it / planning to handle it?

Yes. By Act 3 they've fully "handled it." But. When I was playing early access, Gale would only consume orange quality rare items. So I kept the book with the intention of feeding it to Gale. When I discovered that Gale could now consume blue and green quality items, I wanted to give the book to Astarion and eventually figured it out.

Étoile started to read it at camp, Karlach objected, and Étoile was given the option to give it to Astarion. I had the cutscene play out later in Act 1 where he's fighting against the book; and then in Act 2 I remembered to actually select Astarion and read the book and pass my checks.

Étoile could understand why a vampire spawm would want to know how to protect themselves against undead; like vampires.

39. What does your Character think of Raphael?

The answer to this question is so much more complicated by Act 3. But in Act 1 Étoile thought it was prudent to be polite with Raphael while rejecting him, thinking at the time that they would never make a deal with a devil — but for the reason Raphael described: self-preservation in the face of a pointless death.

40. Is your Character used to strange dreams from before the events of the adventure?

No. As a high elf Étoile had never had any dreams before the adventure.

41. Is your Character accustomed to being on the road from before the events of the adventure?

Yes. They undoubtedly camped with their werewolf mother as a child / youth, trained as a paladin, and have been an adventurer for 48 years.

43. Asker has a question not from the list.

oh and for the question not on the list—what's étoile's favorite animal?

I think that because of their mother that they feel a kinship with wolves, even knowing they're different than werewolves by a wide margin. Picturing them in a three wolf moon t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up or cut off Ma/risha R/ay style, lol.

44. Asker wants Blogger to choose a question from the list.

Okay so I've answered all my questions but I want to say two more things while we're here.

Étoile killed the brothers who were attacking Ethel. This was to be consistent with their actions in early access, though in full release sadly Astarion didn't call her a 'sly old crone,' for me. They then didn't come into conflict with her because they felt that people were doing business with her of their own free wills, and that Ethel had a right to live.

Étoile's deity, Auril, being Neutral Evil has affected how others have seen them and their actions and their customs, and Étoile can be very live and let live with the strange and unusual.

The other thing I want to say is I'm thinking of Étoile at maybe twenty years of age asking why their mother Wylla hadn't turned their mother Aranea to a werewolf. And Aranea saying she had no need to be a werewolf, and that the wolves with which Wylla associated were more convenient to her at a distance than being forced as that manner of family. And Étoile asking why they hadn't been turned to a werewolf and Wylla saying they would find strength enough from Auril that they would never need Malar's power.

And this memory being a plague upon them as they try to find the words to tell Aranea, with Wylla long dead, that they've lost Auril's favor through their broken Paladin oath.

[thistleandthorn-rpg]

Congrats A on your audition for Harper Darcy! Send us his blog within 48 hours!

OOC INFORMATION:

Name/Alias: A Preferred pronoun: She/Her Age: 40+ Timezone/Country: PST/US RP Experience: 10+ years Activity Level: 7/10

IC INFORMATION:

Name: Harper Darcy Designation: Dominant Age: 27 Faceclaim: Tyler Young  Birthday: September 30 Orientation: Homosexual  Kinks: voyeurism, masturbation Anti-Kinks: penetration, touching, any kink that requires touching or nudity

Key Points: 

Controlled

Aloof 

Detail oriented

Intelligent

BIO:

Harper was born to two Dominants. His mother was a politician and eventually an MP, born into a family of status if not money. She was cool and did not show outward affection or even emotions.  His father was a playboy and professional gambler, born into status and more wealth than is ever good for a person. He seemed to care very little about anyone or anything other than the ‘fun’ of the moment. The two were like oil and fire. Drawn to each other and yet bound for destruction. Harper and his twin Max were shielded as well as could be from the repeated resulting explosions by their parent’s submissives and each grew up trying their hardest not to resemble their parents. Harper thought he was succeeding. He felt like he’d taken the best of each of his parents and created a life for himself that was directed and purposeful, but embraced the excitement that the world had to offer. Max had been the first to get into carting, but it was Harper who became the F1 superstar. The brothers both joined the Red Bull team at eighteen, Harper as a driver and Max as a race engineer. After an amazing rookie year, Harper never looked back, always on the podium and eventually taking three back to back Championships. His racing was described as the perfect blending of control and risk-taking. The brothers had a plan, two more championships and then a quick stint at an Institute and then back on the track to dominate once again. He’d even started a love affair with another driver. Sure he was on an opposing team, but that happened frequently enough. Max had warned him though. Stefan was not to be trusted. Harper shrugged the warnings off as just Max being a bit jealous of losing his brother’s time. He figured it would work itself out especially since Max had found himself a lovely girl to love. 

Max had, as always, known best. He’ll never know whether the argument they had that sunny Bahrain morning was part of the plan as well, but it certainly was in his head as he strapped into his car. His supposed lover  had used information he’d gotten from Harper and exploited it during a race. If that had resulted simply in a loss it would have been bad enough, but Stefan’s maneuver caused a chain reaction that ended in Harper’s car going off the track and into an unprotected concrete wall doing 300km/h. They’d all seen drivers escape from the survival cell practically unscathed, but this time, this bloody awful time the cell failed. Harper almost didn’t survive, but they had him airlifted to the trauma hospital practically as soon as the flames were extinguished. He woke to his brother in the chair next to him and the devastating news that they’d had to amputate his leg. Everything was gone. His plans, his sense of identity, his bloody job, and the man he’d thought he could build a future with. Also the man Harper had been was gone. The only one who gets to see that man now is Max, but he can’t bear to be an albatross around his brother’s neck so he decides to leave for Riverdale OH to attend the prestigious institute in a sleepy town where hopefully no one has ever heard of Harper Darcy Championship Formula One driver and no one knows what happened. Not willing to be touched or have his ‘deformity’ seen will make it difficult to obtain a claim of any fulfilling sort, but he can be a stubborn and determined sot when he sets his mind to it. No one will get closer than he will allow. Opening yourself up only leads to betrayal and pain.  

BIO QUESTIONS:

What are your feelings about the mark you have received? - It is appropriate. Obviously I would have worked with whatever mark I received, but truthfully I can’t imagine having been given any other than the Dominant one. It would certainly have made me doubt the wisdom of the system.  

How do your feelings on the system compare to your parents’ feelings on it? - I couldn’t presume to know. They followed it. My mother precisely and my father blithely. Neither saw fit to educate me to its particulars instead leaving that to their submissives and more broadly to my own observations of society.  

Where do you see yourself after you graduate? - I couldn’t bloody well tell you. What rubbish. If you think you can see the future then you are a fool. The only thing I can guarantee about the future is that I’ll either be alive or I will be dead. 

Describe what terrifies you the most. - Nothing terrifies me. What a ridiculous notion. If you are asking what I’m concerned about? Well that I am willing to entertain. Who doesn’t have concerns. My concern is that this place will force me to lose control of that which I most wish to maintain control of. I am a private man and I wish to remain so. 

How do you feel about authority? - Authority is necessary for the orderly functioning of society or to any system either great or small. I have a place along a spectrum of authority. Some will have authority over me and I will have authority over others. For the most part it should be respected without fail. However those who abuse authority are amongst the lowest of the low in my opinion. 

[mymiscellaneousmusings]

7, 18, 24 for the OC ask meme! (And maybe a brief introduction/refresher of your OC for reference?) 🥰

well, I'm still very much on a Wyn kick; The Woman, The MILF, The Legend hersef 😂 she's the black sheep of a noble family in Waterdeep who left home for adventure and came back with a half-orc baby, Ollarum, and I have two main verses for her, the "canon" where she's 45 and hasn't seen Ollarum in approximately a decade, and the BG3 verse where she's 23 and Ollarum is still in Waterdeep with her parents

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

oh MAN, just the level of depth is massive - she started out as just a joke about how Ollarum's mum could have been one of Those bards, the sterotypical slutty monsterfucker, and she was a lot less sympathetic, her relationship with her family wasn't nearly as bad and she didn't have the visceral hatred of marriage she does now - when she showed up as an NPC in dnd, she even somewhat encouraged the betrothal between Ollarum and Tiff, which I just can't see her doing at this point

18. Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal?

Wyn is an extremely warm, sociable person, completely extroverted with that classic bard charisma, able to find friends (and lovers) very easily. Though at a younger age, she was somewhat more hesitant to open up - she's still too used to the cutthroat world of the nobility, where reputation is everything and true friends are few and far between, and still equates relationships with monogamy and marriage, refusing to entertain anything deeper than friends-with-benefits. Once she's older and been out on her own longer, she's a lot more confident and willing to take a chance on friendships and relationships (so long as the latter are cool with her polyamory ofc)

23. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

I mean, the difference between canon Wyn and post-BG3 Wyn is already pretty big

canon Wyn never did anything like save the world, she's more the exploring and treasure-hunting kind of adventurer, and more importantly she left Ollarum with her parents too long, never finding the right moment to try and bring him on the road with her, and ultimately losing him after he went to live with his father and then left on his own. She occasionally receives letters from him that say little more than he's not dead, but he highly resents her for leaving him for what he views as selfish reasons (not knowing about his uncle, her betrothal or the extent of his grandmother's treatment of her) and reacts BADLY when she does show up (though they do ultimately reconcile)

bg3 Wyn had the threat of losing her entire world as she knew it on her shoulders, and now actually has a way to look after her young son without worrying about him on the road in Halsin's commune, and also got VERY spooked by how Rion spoke to Jaheira, so she gets up to Waterdeep ASAP to get Ollarum and tell her family to fuck right off, and whilst she isn't an expert parent right away, she's at least there for her son and they have a MUCH stronger bond going forward

I have dabbled in other AUs before too, and one that springs to mind is one where she chose to marry her betrothed, Colborn, when he offered to raise Ollarum as his own - she's there and Colborn is a good dad, so Ollarum grows up pretty well-adjusted, if sheltered, but Wyn is almost a shell of herself and has to actively fight with herself to not resent Ollarum for her being stuck in one place married to a man she doesn't even like, never mind love

[aoife-o-connor]

The story of me, or how in the hell I got here, by Aoife

Trigger warning, I'm going to go into my backslide into far right politics and some internalized transphobia, if your sensitive to that, probably skip.

So, I was born fairly normally, as one might suspect. My very early life was rather good, I had parents that were together, and overall I was very privileged. As I grew things began to take a turn, my mother had, at the time, undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar disorder, which began to leave leave some mental scars that I'm still healing from, but overall, still pretty good.

The thing that was more pronounced in retrospect was my complete lack of self-worth. The earliest I can remember it was around 7 or 8, I didn't have any real problems, but I began to have this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that something was very wrong. I never could place it, and no matter what I did at the time, it wouldn't go away. As I grew a little older, I thought it might be dissatisfaction with my body. I was a little on the bigger side and thought, "surely if I get thinner I will like myself" and after some work and doing some boxing training, I got thinner! It didn't help, and I went back to being a little bigger. And for a while, I stagnated. I couldn't figure out why I disliked myself so much, and when friends asked, I would lie and say I just wanted to be thinner because it was easier than explaining that I had no idea why. These feelings continued into high school, where I made a discovery about myself and began what would become a decade-long debilitating coping mechanism.

Shortly after I got into high school, I realized that , to my shock and horror at the time, I had an attraction to both men and women. Being assigned male at birth and being from the southern United States this sent me into a tail spin, and eventually I tried to stop these feelings that culture told me was wrong by overcorrecting, and delving into right wing politics. At first, it was soft, but as I couldn't get rid of these natural and normal feelings, I got more desperate and slowly delved deeper. As one might imagine, this began to slowly put a strain on my friendships, though for a little while, things had leveled out.

And then they started to really spiral!

When I was around 16 or 17, I was introduced to the idea of Transgender people and transitioning, very innocent, and I am eternally grateful to a certain friend of mine for introducing me to the idea and to a real life Transgender person, a trans man specifically. (We never really became friends, but he was still a cool guy) As I learned more about Transgender people I had a thought, one that clicked a light bulb that had been sitting around my subconscious for years and years without being illuminated. I had a passing thought while listening to a stroy from a trans woman explaining her life story, simply "what if I'm trans," and in that moment, I had a momentary epiphany, followed by a near decade of terror.

For the briefiest moment, things made sense, I never liked myself, I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Puberty had only made these feelings worse. Maybe I really was trans... and then, like a ton of bricks, horror and despair filled my mind. I was utterly terrified, I couldn't be trans, I wouldn't be trans, I couldn't tell my parents about being Bi for God's sake, how was I supposed to tell them I want to be a woman.

Even though it hadn't worked for being Bi, I delved far deeper and into far darker places trying to cover up my feelings. I rationalized it to myself that if I became a monster, I wouldn't feel this way. Every time I caught myself imagining transition or how life could be better as a woman, I would go and learn more about fascism, repeat slogans from history's monsters to myself, or bombard myself with alt right propaganda.

But it didn't help. No matter what I did, these feelings wouldn't go away. I would catch myself more and more thinking about transition, hating how masculine my body looked, wishing I had been born a woman. As time went on, I finally had a little breaking point. My mental health was so bad I began to look into things earnestly. I watched videos on how to know if you are trans, I read articles, did research, and everything else. After it all, I realized and admitted to myself that I was, indeed, trans. I was 25 at that point, the past 8 or 9 years I had been running from that, and admitting it felt freeing. I got so excited that I even worked up the courage to tell one of my friends, he wasn't a friend I made in high school, they had eventually left because I was just so bad of a person, but he was a good friend at the time.

He listened and flat out rejected it. We spoke for a long while after that, but I can't member what it was about. I was gutted and fell back into repression. Because of that one night, I spent another year hiding who I was, I was on the way to becoming a Catholic, and I told people that I prayed the trans away. I even ran into one of my old best friends in that year, I was dressed up in a suit talking about how I found jesus. But eventually, I couldn't keep it away. The feelings I had never left, and eventually, I realized that I really would never be happy until I stopped running from who I was.

It still took a lot, but I eventually left my "friend" who led me back into repression and started transitioning. I came out to my parents as Bi and Trans amd they were way more accepting than I ever expected. I pulled myself out of the sludge pit of politics I had lowered myself into and even got into a relationship. It's been a year now that I've been transitioning, and I finally am beginning to really feel happy. I wish every day that it hadn't been such a long fight to just be happy, and more than anything I wish I could take back the horrible person I became for a time, but I can't, and at least I got there in the end.

And that's about it, I doubt anyone will care or read this, but here it is for the 3 of you that might actually read this.

[bistretorres]

"THREE YEARS AGO, FIVE YEARS FROM NOW"

I want be a 3d animator someday. That’s what I said to myself three years ago.

My name is Dino Torres, a 3rd year Multimedia Arts student at STI College Lucena. I was born on June 11, 2003 with a twin sister named Dina. Isn't it unique? Or not. My family was just from a low middle class but we, together with my 9 other siblings was able to study. I was with my family until 7 then live with my grandmother when I was 8. I still see my sibling at school though since we’re studying at the same school. In my grade school, I don’t really care about my dream yet but I remember when we are graduating in grade 6, my teacher asks us what we wanted to be in the future. I just said, “I want to be a fireman”. I don’t really know why I said that but I don’t really care. Perhaps the 11-year-old me thinks being a fireman was cool.

Not until I step up to high school. High School was the best time to develop my skills. My six years in high school honed my artistic and other abilities. When I was in primary school, I wasn't particularly interested in art, but my teachers saw my potential and encouraged me to join the art club. I only joined because of the additional grades, but I couldn't see my potential in art at the time. My teachers invited me to participate in the mural painting competition when I was in seventh grade. I joined because I have a team and believe I should give it a shot. Surprisingly we beat the higher grade level and got the 3rd place. Since then, I started to like art. Because of that victory, I became one of the head of the art club in our school at just grade 8. I started to join in art contest in our school since then and developed my love in art. Because of my achievements at our school, I was able to represent our school in a poster making competition when I was in grade 9. I love to compete so I agreed. Together with 18 other schools in Quezon, I got the 4th place. My teachers were happy about the result and so as me. I really love art at this moment and I was passionate to pursue art. Then every time our school was joining in art contest, it’s always me representing our school. I joined the rotary poster making contest when I was in grade 10 and got the 3rd place. I joined 3 poster making, 1 mural painting, and 1 logo making contest representing our school when I was in grade 11 and got the 1st place to all of them. Because of this I was able to compete in division and regional level competing with other school across the region 4-A. Then I finished my high school with those achievements.

When the Pandemic struck, I was always alone at my grandmother's house. Every day, I asked myself, "What do I want to be in the future?" Should I major in the fine arts in college? Should I be an architect instead? With my artistic abilities, I was unsure of what path I would take in college. Then I saw Andre Manguba, who is my greatest inspiration in the Philippines' creative industry. I noticed he's enrolled as Multimedia Arts in CSB. What if I take that as well? I was interested in it, so I looked for schools that offering it then I saw that STI Lucena was the closest to my home, so I asked my parents to admit me there I was looking for subjects that Multimedia Arts students would take and came across 3D Animation. It captivated me, and I realized that I want to be a 3D animator someday. I studied 3D Modelling while my college year was still in progress because I want to be highly skilled in this industry.  Then, as a late enrollee, I began my first year. It was still an online class at the time, but I was having a good time. I developed my skills more and more and met a new creative friends. Until now I am still taking the path towards my dream to be a 3D Animator someday while improving my skills more in 3D art.

Five years from now, I am seeing myself creating 3D animated films with creative animators in the Philippines but I was hoping to get the chance to work with Pixar and Disney someday.  Three years ago I said, “I want to be a 3D Animator”, five years from now I will say “I made it”.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering?

usually over the shower rod

What kind of mouse pad do you have?

I don’t have a desktop, only laptop so that ‘mouse pad’ is it

Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?

my hair is thick as shit so combs don’t work, always brush

In your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?

oh I can name many lol 

You have a project due tomorrow, do you use tape or glue?

depends on what I have, and what the project is (how detailed, the materials, etc.)

Chicken or pork?

both

By the time you get to school, is it still dark?

got* considering I graduated in 2010 (fuck I’m old) and no, the sun was already up even if it was still pretty low it was light out

If you had a choice to be a unicorn or mermaid which would it be?

normally I’d love to say mermaid but the unknown depths and darkness of the ocean fuckin terrify me and I’m not a fast runner so I’m sure I’d be too slow a swimmer to get away too lol so unicorn

What color is your underwear?

a pale lavender sorta color

What time does the sun usually set?

depends on the season/daylight savings/weather...but usually around 7-730pm it’s getting dark fast

What/who do you think of last before you go to sleep?

every damn thing imaginable :| insomnia and multiple mental illnesses are a greaaaat combo for sleep!

AC or fan?

ALWAYS BOTH 24/7, 365! yes even through winter! due to a medical condition, one of several, I overheat very easily and for long periods of time to where even both of these can’t even make a dent to cooling me down...

Do you wear braces?

no, did in the past at one point for about a year

Can you do a hand stand?

I used to be able to when I was a young kid in gymnastics and dance, but haven’t been able to since

If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?

hmm...probably a slightly longer tousled look that you just wanna run your fingers through 

What level English are you in?

I’m not in school but when I graduated I was in honors level English Lit 2

Jessica Simpson or Alba?

neither really, never been a big fan of either

Which subject is worse, English or Math?

Math for sure...used to ace it and love it till I moved around so much I fell so far behind everyone else, repeated the same level three times, and then was violently skyrocketed up to honors level of Algebra 2 which damn near STOPPED me from graduating that’s how bad I failed cause I couldn’t grasp anything we were learning anymore...I skated by with that one and still managed to graduate with honors but it was hell to manage that

What’s one thing you really want to do this very moment?

get violently black out drunk again..being and staying sober fucking sucks :(

What movie are you embarrassed to admit you’ve watched?

Penelope with Christina Ricci...it had its wholesome moments for the message, and I fuckin love her to death in anything she’s in but she’s the only reason I even watched it. otherwise the movie itself just...dear god what did I do...lol

CD player or iPOD?

ohhhhh iPod/iPhone now obviously, but if I’m handed a CD player you know I’m tripping hard on nostalgia with it! 

Would you rather spin upside down going 30 miles or drop 400 ft. into water?

neither sound real good for me considering certain reasons...but if I had to pick, spin cause my luck the damn drop would either kill me or I’d break damn near everything in my body. haven’t you ever heard hitting water from a certain height is equivalent to hitting concrete??!

Whats your favorite shape?

hmm I’d say stars

What do you have planned for the weekend?

nothing so far, gonna see if we’re going to my fiance’s parents house for Easter dinner we haven’t seen them since early last year cause he’s barely ever home due to work

Have you ever gone ice skating?

yep

If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what

…what?

Is it always easy finding your remote every time you want to watch TV?

oh dear fucking god XD noooooo! we’re constantly losing one or two together all the damn time it’s bullshit!

How was your day?

meh, bored as all hell but it’s Good Friday which means my fiance had off today so there’s that :D

Do you grow your nails, bite or cut them?

grow till a certain point then I’ll clip em, rinse repeat...usually the max point before I clip em is when I’m typing with fingerpads rather than fingertips cause my nails are in the way lol so it’s harder to type (not terribly long, just long enough past the fingertip)

Describe your handwriting:

I’ve always been one to change a few things up every now and then when I get bored of my handwriting lol but more on the rushed, a bit sloppy bubbly side overall I guess you could say

Do you consider yourself a stalker?

hell no that’s creepy

Do you bruise easily?

yep always have most of the time I never even know how or when the hell I got said bruises they just show up lol

There`s nothing on TV except Barney and Japanese news what do you do?

Roku is your friend!

Do you know more then 3 myspace codes?

no I wouldn’t even remember at this point how to even make a profile or post or anything it’s been too long

You got a essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?

type, unless specifically asked/required to write it...doesn’t really matter to me

Do you wear jeans to relax at home?

I LIVE in jeans dude XD

Describe yourself using three words.

Smart, loyal, stubborn

Do you use deodorant?

yep

Do you like ice in your drink?

yeah but I need to be careful given highly sensitive teeth