#one of the first songs on her playlist is Closer for a REASON.

[totally-not-an-awkward-okapi]

Electric Dreams doodle page, because I’m incredibly normal about this movie.

[artists-ally]

{Flatline} OFC x Harvey Specter {Pt. 1}

I got the title from this song called Flatline by Jared Benjamin. I added it to this playlist of very Harvey Specter vibes if you'd like to listen. There will be multiple parts, around three so be sure to stick around for those. As always comment and tell me what you think, or pop by in my asks. Anyhoo enjoy my loves!

Word count ~ 10,619 (it is a very fast paced read I promise)

Warnings ~ Age gap, smut (18+), handjob, no real BDSM but Dom/Sub concepts, language, alcohol, anxiety/anxious thoughts, probably really inaccurate lawyer terms idk man.

Summary: Harvey has taken notice of the hardest working first year associate, Claudia Martin. Despite being petrified of the infamous closer, she tried her hardest to not let it get the best of her. Harvey has a few ideas on how to increase her confidence.

Tagging : @maxdamax @ashcosmo @rosedpetal (This is basically just dedicated to you three so I hope you enjoy it the most!)

~~~~~

“Alright, everybody stop,” Harvey announced. I put down my file and sat ramrod straight in my seat, eyes darting at the other associates as they put theirs away too. “We have been working on this case now for four hours and no one has brought me a single thing that I can use as evidence. Now, if someone doesn’t put a file in my hand in the next ten minutes, we’re going to lose. And those of you who don’t want to get stuck doing whatever bullshit Louis is going to punish you with, you better come up with something fast.”

I looked at the blue file in my hands, heart hammering in my chest as I saw Harvey leave out of the corner of my eye. With a deep breath, I pushed up out of my chair and followed after him. 

Circling around the office a few times, I made up reasons and excuses not to go see him. It was stupid, I knew that, but I didn’t want to bring him something and then immediately be called an idiot for bringing him shit he already knew.

I saw how he treated Mike. And Louis. Even Donna from time to time.

There were two things you did in this world: die, and respect Harvey Specter. As a first year associate in this god awful firm, you didn’t dare break his trust or waste his time. 

“Is Mr. Specter available for a moment?” I asked Donna. I hadn’t talked to her much, but I’ve heard her speak to Harvey a few times around the office. She was someone I wished I knew better, someone I wished I could ask for help, but I didn’t want to bother her either. 

“Yeah, he’s in his office going over the statements from the mock trial,” Donna smiled, pointing over her shoulder. I nodded, willing my feet to move in the direction of his office. I knocked before pushing the glass door opening, keeping my head down. 

“Claudia, now is really not a good-” “I have something for you,” we spoke at the same time. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I can come back and-” “Is that for the mock trial?” He asked, and I nodded. “Hand it over.”

I placed the file in his outstretched hand as he came around to sit on the corner of the desk. My hands were trembling with dread as his eyes raked over the words on the page. The lines in his forehead creased, eyes narrowing.

“Claudia, this is brilliant,” he had a very confused expression when his eyes met mine. “Where did you find this?”

“Well, I figured if Mrs. Thompson said that she didn’t pay her rent that month, because there wasn't money in her account, then there had to be some kind of a trail. Some clue. There was, but it was only an amount, and it didn’t say which account it came from. When I did some digging, I found out that she uses Capital One banking and when I looked at her bank statement-

“There was a draw for the exact amount that Mr. Saros used to bet on that game,” Harvey finished before I could get the words out of my mouth. “Claudia, this is genius. Come on, we’ve got a case to win.”

____

“...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this compelling evidence reveals that Mr. Saros was in fact fraudulent and used his ex- wife’s funds to continue gambling. Thank you.” Harvey closed the argument, taking a seat besides Donna, who represented the client. Jessica looked to the opposing counsel as if to say ‘do you have anything?’. Louis had nothing. Not a sliver of hope. 

“Then it is decided, Mr. Saros will be charged with a misdemeanor and face a prison sentence of one year in county jail.”

With a crack of the gavel, the case was over, and applause rang through the office for Harvey and his team. I had a tiny smile on my face as I left the conference room to go back to the bullpen. There was an endless stack of reports to run, motions to file… it never ended when it came to Louis. And now that I was on the winning team I’m sure that-

“Claudia, where are you going?” Harvey called out. 

“Oh, I was just going back to my desk. Why, is there something that you need?” God I hope he didn’t need anything. I was sweating bullets by just standing next to him. 

“I just wanted to congratulate you on your first win,” he gave a small smirk. His brown eyes were sharp, but not as intense as they usually were. 

I flushed, “Well, it’s not really a real case.”

“No, it’s not. But seeing what you did today, how would you like one of your own?” He extended a blue file back to me, a stack of papers covered inside. I could feel the gaze of the other associates on me as I hesitantly took the file. 

“Mr. Spector, I’m honored, but I’m not-”

“Yes you are,” he cut me off. I bit my tongue. “You are a lawyer, Claudia. And you clearly have an outside the box approach to your tactics which we don’t see very often. I haven’t seen someone able to compile and order evidence like you since Mike came to work for me a decade ago. I’ll be supervising your case, you report to me with any questions you might have, but otherwise this is all you.”

My first case… given to me by Harvey Specter himself.

“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. I flipped through the file, seeing that this wasn’t just some pro-bono case. This was against a big time client and the SEC. The SEC meant Sean Cayhill, who, from my understanding, was already on the rocks with this firm and has been for a very long time. 

“You can thank me when you win it,” he extended his hand, and I shook it, hoping that they weren’t sweaty. “Look over the file tonight and come ready to swing tomorrow morning.”

Harvey’s hand was warm, and significantly larger than mine. Everything about him was bigger than I was, especially his ego. And his personality. Lord help me…

My nod was the only confirmation that I would meet him there. As he walked out, I met some of the eyes of the associates and they scowled at me. At the file in my hand. At the fact that I hadn’t said a word the whole meeting today and then came up with the winning piece of evidence. And now I was working alongside Harvey. 

The infamous closer at Pearson-Specter-Litt. 

____

“Claudia, what’s wrong?” Donna startled me so bad I dropped my coffee on the floor with a shout. “Something’s really wrong.”

“Oh, it’s just you Donna,” I sighed in relief. I could feel the coffee seeping into my shirt and chilling against my skin. “Great.”

“What has you so skittish?” She asked, worry gracing her features. 

I didn’t want to admit that it was because of Harvey and the fact that I had to work alongside him on this case. I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night because I was up thinking about him, wondering how he’d handle this case himself. What he would do, how he would do it. Sure, I admired the guy, how could I not? He was a perfectionist and always found a way. I wish I had half the confidence he did. 

“It’s Harvey, isn’t it?”

“How did you know that? Nevermind, you’re Donna. But… Yes it’s because of Harvey.”

“Did he say something to you yesterday after you guys won the mock trial? I saw he handed you a case file, what was it all about?” “That's precisely what’s wrong,” I groaned, bending over and picking up the dropped paper cup. “He gave me a case of my own as a 'thank you' for finding the evidence that won the trial yesterday. I’m terrified of him, Donna. I-I don’t know how to act around someone with that kind of personality. He is so abrasive and forward and harsh and-”

“A total jackass?” She finished for me. 

I chuckled nervously, “I’m afraid to even think of that word in association with his name. I mean, how am I supposed to work alongside someone that intense? Plus, I’m a first year associate, how am I supposed to compete with what he as to offer and-”

“Hey, it’s okay. No need to get yourself all worked up, Claudia. Harvey is a lot of bark, and only some bite.” “That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“What I’m trying to say is that there is some heart inside that cold dead chest of his,” she smiled, a genuine, friendly smile. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen him give someone a case after a mock trial. Not even Mike. Up until yesterday I’m not even sure he knew you existed.” “Wish it was still that way,” I rolled my eyes, folding my arms against my chest.

“Claudia, listen to me. Yes, Harvey can be rude and obnoxious, but he is the best damn attorney in the state of New York. He didn’t get to the top by being nice and sweet. He was impressed with your willingness to bring him the evidence yourself. Now he knows he can count on you to get things done in a pinch when he needs them.” “I had that evidence for an hour,” I emphasized. “I was trying to build up the courage to give it to him long before he came and ripped us to shreds for not having anything. I just didn’t want him to think that it was a stupid idea or to be in a bad mood and turn me away because I definitely wouldn’t have done it at all after that. I don’t know how to deal with someone like him, Donna. What am I supposed to do? I should just give the case to Griffin or Thomas-”

“No no no. You are definitely not going to do that. That will only show Harvey that you aren’t serious about becoming a lawyer.”

“I am serious about becoming a lawyer.” I was mildly offended that she’d even say that to me. “Of course I want to be a lawyer, it's all I’ve ever wanted.”

“And Harvey will only know that if you work on this case with him.”

I inhaled and exhaled, leaning my head back and looking at the ceiling. “Fine.” “That’s my girl,” she grinned. “Now, come on. I have an extra dress you can borrow because I am sure as hell not letting you walk around covered in coffee stains.”

“I appreciate it, but I don’t think what you have will fit me.” Donna jerked her head over her shoulder and I followed to a closet in the back of the file room. When she opened it, it was like a full blown wardrobe. There were dresses and shoes and purses and hair supplies lining the walls. “Woah…” “Don’t ever underestimate the power of Donna,” she winked before rummaging through the office closet. 

After searching for a few moments, she pulled out a lovely royal blue dress that was, as she hinted at, a perfect size for me. How she knew that it would fit, I’ll never know. But I did know that I wouldn’t ever underestimate the power of Donna ever again. She’s magical. 

“Now, what do you say?”

“Thanks, Donna,” I smiled sweetly. 

“Actually I was looking for ‘you are an ethereal goddess who makes all my dreams and wishes come true’ but that works too,” I knew she was teasing, and I gave her a small shove of her shoulder. “Go get dressed, come back here and let me do your hair.”

“What’s wrong with the way it is?” I turned to look in the mirror on the back of the door and grimaced. “Oh…” My messy curls from yesterday looked more like a rat wrapped around a bunch of fishing line.

“Hurry up, Harvey will be back soon and I want you in that office, file in hand, ready to go when he gets here.”

I quickly shuffled to the bathroom and changed into the form fitting, very Donna-style dress. It didn’t look half bad, and I actually somewhat tolerated the dress. Normally I’d find a pants suit far more flattering and business appropriate than a dress, strictly because of the over sexualized nature of women's business clothing. 

I hate the corporate world. 

I did one more glance in the mirror before heading back to the break room to grab the file. I must’ve set it on the counter while I was pouring my coffee. Hopefully it wasn’t ruined. 

There was no blue file on the counter. Or the table. Or on top of the microwave or the fridge. I even checked inside the microwave. Nothing. It was nowhere. Oh shit.

“Do you want curls or for me to straighten-” “It’s gone,” there was a clear panic in my voice. “The file, it’s not in the break room, Donna. It’s gone.”

“How can it be gone?” 

“I-I don’t- I don’t know I thought I set it on the counter while I was getting coffee and it’s not there.” I felt a cold sweat break out onto my skin. My forehead was damp to the touch. 

“Okay, take a deep breath. Let’s go look again and then check your desk. Maybe someone found it and put it there, or maybe left it with me or Gretchen. It didn’t grow a pair of legs and walk away, we’ll find it.”

“I’m gonna get fired,” my voice was almost a silent whisper, tears building behind my eyes, prickling my nose. “Donna, Harvey is going to kill me.”

“Worst comes to worst we get a new file, Harvey will never know.”

“No no no he will because he had notes of his own on the papers in there.” “Shit,” she swore. “Let’s just go look.”

We speed walked through the bullpen, earning some odd looks as we practically sprinted through the office. She checked the break room for me again, and I went to my cubicle. Nothing, not a blue folder anywhere to be seen. 

Donna came up empty handed in the break room, checking with Gretchen on her way by Louis’s office. We met at her desk. Nothing. 

“Fuck fuck fuck this is bad.” My hands were shaking, heart thundering against my ribs. I felt faint, like I could’ve fallen to the floor at any moment. “Donna, what am I gonna do?”

“Maybe somebody mistook it as their own file,” Donna blurted out after a moment of silence. She took off towards the bullpen and I followed after her, right on her heels. She marched through there, unapologetic as she invaded the other associates' work spaces. 

Still nothing. No blue file labeled ‘Devlyn Inc. Vs. Fulton Dynamics’. 

“Where the hell could it be?” She murmured to herself. 

“What are you guys looking for?” An associate, Benson, asked. 

“Oh, you know, a leprechaun pissing pieces of gold,” Donna’s voice was full of sarcasm. “Claudia set down a file in the break room for three minutes and forty-two seconds and now it’s mysteriously disappeared. Know anything about it?”

“No,” he pressed his lips together. “Not really.” “Not really?”

“There are a million case files floating around this office, you really expect me to pay attention to every single one and where it’s going?” “As an associate of this firm, yes, actually. I do. Now I want to know if you know who took her file and I want to know right now. You have one chance to tell the truth, otherwise the bottom of my stiletto and your ass are gonna be great friends.”

Benson swallowed, “I truly don’t know. I’m sorry, I can keep an eye out for it. Is it the one Harvey gave Claudia yesterday?”

“Yes, and he needs it in twenty minutes,” Donna said, an undeniable urgency in her voice. “If you find it, do the right thing and give it back or so help me god you will find yourself jobless faster than you can get down on your knees and beg me to let you keep it.”

Donna beckoned me for her to follow and I did, my heart sinking and sinking into my stomach. It had to be around here somewhere. It had to be. 

I did another lap around, rummaging through all the drawers in the desk and thensome. Still nowhere. How could I be so stupid? So irresponsible? This is exactly why I didn’t want to take this case in the first place.

Despite all Harvey and Donna said the other day, I’m not ready to be a lawyer. Not really, anyway. I know I have my license and I’ve passed the Bar. I’ve done all the hard work, but this was… this was hell. A living nightmare. Not only was this firm constantly on the verge of collapsing, but it seemed like I made new enemies every other week by simply doing my job quickly, quietly, and efficiently. 

I don’t know how or why I piss everyone off all the time. I just do my work, I quite literally don’t bother another soul in this building unless I have to. Occasionally I’d ask Donna a question that she could ask Harvey or Mike to see what they thought about it. I’d never speak to them directly, just through her which didn’t make me feel good, either. 

I’d eat by myself, working through my meal. It took me two months of being here to finally use the break room because I was too nervous about taking the last tea bag or power bar from the cabinet. I just took a disposable coffee cup and filled it with tap water. And then kept that cup because I didn’t want to take the others because I figured other people needed them for coffee and I didn’t want them to be all gone-

“Claudia,” Donna interrupted my mild panic. “Harvey wants to see you.”

Oh no… no no no not yet god please not yet. I swallowed, or tried to at least; there was no moisture in my mouth whatsoever. I stood, knees trembling as I smoothed out the skirt of my dress.

Before I went on, she ran a brush through my hair, taking out the knots. It lay sleek and flat against my shoulders, a major difference from the low bun I always kept it in. My hair always made me so hot; I never understood how anyone could get anything done with it swaying in their face all day.

I could see him in his office, eyes staring us down as we rounded the corner. His gaze was locked on me and I felt my body tighten and constrict around a breath. Harvey was sitting on the corner of his desk, fingers toying with the cufflink on his left wrist.. 

“Hey, look at me,” Donna spoke softly, hands coming to my shoulders. “Give Harvey the truth, and nothing but. He will understand, if not, I will make him.”

I nodded.

When I pushed open his glass door, tension was thick in the air. My palms were clammy, still shaking. My mind was going a million miles a second. 

“What can I do for you, Mr. Specter?” I asked, trying to keep my cool despite almost throwing up. 

“Please tell me you have some good news about the case that I gave you,” he sighed, pushing off the desk and standing in front of me. 

Welp… here goes my career. 

“Actually, Mr. Specter there is something I need to-”

“You were looking for me, Harvey?” I whipped my head over my shoulder, seeing Griffin knocking on the door. 

“Yes, Griffin come on please, shut the door as well.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I can come back and we can discuss the details of-”

“No, Claudia. Stay for a moment,” Harvey gave a firm nod, full attention slipping from me to my fellow associate. “Griffin, I see you have something for me.”

“Yes,” Griffin threw a wicked grin at me before handing over a blue file. I could feel the sick rise in my throat. That was my blue file. “I would just like to go over the details of my case with you to get your input.”

“Your case?” Harvey questioned, sharing a glance between me and Griffin. “Where did you get this? Who the hell gave you a case?”

“That’s not important. I was hoping we could actually-”

“No,” Harvey cut him off. “It’s very important, actually. Because I can recall that just last night this exact file, with my handwriting, was in Claudia’s hands. So whatever act you’re putting on, I suggest you cut the bullshit right now.” “Okay I found it in the breakroom,” Griffin rolled his eyes. “Maybe if she were a little more responsible, which she clearly isn’t because she left her documents in a public space, then she’d be more equipped to handle a real case. Like a real lawyer should.”

I could see the muscle in Harvey’s jaw clench and contract several times. 

“Claudia, care to explain how our case got in this thief’s hands?” “Thief?” “I had spilled coffee,” I started, taking a deep breath when Griffin cut me a gaze so threatening I almost crumbled to my knees. “I spilled coffee and Donna offered a change of clothes for me. I didn’t even notice I left it. When I came back it was gone.”

“Well, I think that about settles it. How about you get out of here before you cause yourself a real problem. And If I ever catch wind of you stealing another one of Claudia’s files, or anyones for that matter, I will personally make your life a living hell. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” he ground his teeth, refusing to look at either of us. 

“Now get your ass back to your desk and pray to whoever you believe in that I don’t have you fired and disbarred for the shit you pulled today. Get the hell out of my sight.”

Griffin was out of there far faster than he walked in, head down, hands shoved in his pockets. I let out a shaky breath. 

“Are you okay?” Harvey asked me. “I’m so sorry,” I completely ignored his question. “Griffin was right, I was extremely irresponsible and shouldn’t have let that file out of my sight. If you want to give it to another associate I completely understand. Again, I am so sorry and understand that there are consequences to my actions for letting such important information go missing-”

“Claudia, slow down,” he eased. “It’s okay, you are not the one I am pissed at.”

“You’re not?” I didn’t understand why. “But- but I completely misplaced a case.”

“No,” Harvey shook his head. “No Griffin is the only one to blame. You spilled coffee, went to go get cleaned up, and he stole it. He should know better. And seeing that he clearly doesn’t, I know I’m right in my decision on who to bring onto this case with me.”

I could feel my blush creep up my neck. “I appreciate that, Mr. Specter.”

“Of course, Claudia. And please, call me Harvey.”

I just gave a subtle nod, taking the file from his hand. I followed his gaze from my face to my hair where he took a strand between his fingers, letting the end curl around his digit.

“I’ve never seen your hair so long,” He added, dropping it from his grip. My breath was caught in my throat. Words were vacant shadows in my mind as he surveyed the dress I was wearing. “I bet that’s Donna’s, isn’t it.”

I had to clear my throat before I could speak. “She wouldn’t let me walk around with coffee stains all day.”

“It looks good on you,” He complimented. Harvey’s eyes, again, went from my head to my toes. There was nothing I could do but fall victim to his… I didn’t know what to think of how he looked at me. Couldn’t decide if it was good or bad. 

“Time for the case then?” I needed to get his attention off of me. Now. I was flushed and losing my mind. Harvey didn’t really seem to acknowledge my words at all. 

“Sure.” Was all he gave me.

____

I barely escaped with the skin on my teeth after our consultation. No, he didn’t rip me to shreds, but he would not take his eyes off of me for even one second. It was so… so potent I couldn’t focus. It was almost lunch when Donna came in and saved my ass. 

I couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough.

“So, how did it go?” Donna asked as I sat in my cubicle. When she came around, or maybe she just followed me, I didn’t know. 

I put my face in my hands. “It was a disaster, Donna. I was a stuttering mess and I kept forgetting everything I was going to say because he would not stop staring at me. Like, he would not stop.” “Well, you aren’t exactly ugly, Claudia,” she snickered. 

“Donna, this isn’t funny,” I groaned. “I’m being completely frank with you.”

“How can I be expected to work alongside him when I can’t stand being in an enclosed space with him for more than four minutes without turning into a bumbling idiot? It’s like he enjoys watching me get flustered.”

“Claudia, I think you are making this a bigger deal in your head than it actually is.” Donna came around and sat on my desk, crossing a knee over the other. “And besides, Harvey understands what it’s like to be a new associate. It can be nerve wracking, especially when you have Louis breathing down your neck.”

I chuckled gravely, “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You’ll figure it out.” “Why can’t you just tell me?” I whined as she stood up. 

“Because I am the Yoda to your Luke Skywalker. Wise you are, patience you must have, my young Padawan.”

“I am not a Jedi who is going on a self discovery journey to start using the Force,” I countered. “I am a nervous wreck who can’t handle being alone with Harvey Specter.”

“Then you need to get over it because Harvey is not going to berate you on your first case!” She argued.

“Did you not hear what he said to Griffin? Or-or to Thomas when he suggested that we consider taking the deal that Mr. Saros had offered during the mock trial? He cracked them wide open and left them to bleed. What about with Mike? How many times has he almost sent him to the curb for not being able to find what Harvey needs?”

“Mike is different and you know it,” Donna lowered her voice. “Plus he always says shit like that to light a fire under his ass. Harvey can see that you are nervous to work with him. He isn’t going to hang you out to dry, I promise. He stood up for you, Claudia, in a way I’ve only seen him do with me and Mike. You know how much he cares about us.”

“Well, yeah of course. But you’ve worked for him for fifteen years and Mike almost seven now. You have a relationship with him and established trust. How am I supposed to have that with him when I can’t even look him in the eye?” “It comes with time, Claudia,” she rubbed my shoulder. “But if there is anything I can say to get you to trust the process, Harvey is loyal, almost to a fault sometimes. He will stop at nothing to make sure the people he cares about are taken care of. I can see that he wants that for you because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have given a shit if Griffin stole the file or not.”

Donna walked away after smoothing down some of the hair on my head, disappearing behind the corner. I let out a huff. She was right, I was being a little over dramatic.

Harvey had a reputation, though. How was I supposed to know if- no. This is unrelated to anything going on. Sort of. I just need to focus on the case. 

I pulled out the files and looked over them again, compiling all the notes into one space for easy recall. As I was looking through it, I found a loophole in one of the contracts that unbound our client from having to give up half of her company.

____

I paced up and down Harvey’s office, tapping my file in my hand as I went through all my key points in my head for today’s trial. I needed to lure, or bait rather, the witnesses into my questions to get them to admit to trespassing on our clients property. We had everything we needed; security footage, witnesses to testify on our behalf… Everything was all lined up. I just needed to blow it. 

I could do this, right? I had only spent all night doing a fake run of how today would go in my mirror, but then again anything could happen when I got into that courtroom today. Maybe they had another leg on us, maybe there was another witness they had to testify against us.

God dammit, if I screwed up today I wouldn’t get another case. Probably not ever again unless I packed up all my shit and moved to Iowa. 

Having Harvey there didn’t make me feel better. I thought it would, but as we worked together I realized he only made me more nervous. I couldn’t help it, he just looked at me this way I couldn't describe. It was incredibly annoying, I don’t know how Mike does it. Or Donna. Or Jessica or Louis or-

Jesus focus, Claudia. I rubbed my eyes with my thumbs. Just focus focus focus. I’ve been over it a million times. I could do this. I didn’t have a choice, court was in less than half an hour. 

“Claudia,” Harvey ripped me from my concentration, making me jump. “Sorry to startle you. Are you ready for today?” “Not really,” I admitted. “I am kind of freaking out, to be honest.”

“It’s okay,” he eased me to sit next to him. “What are you so nervous for?”

I chuckled, “Everything.” “Okay,” he gave a half-hearted laugh. “What specifically? Just name one thing that you are worried about.”

“I don’t know- forgetting cross examination questions? Screwing up the order so it doesn’t lead him into our trap? A billion things could go wrong and I’m not sure what to do if I freeze or stutter. What if the jury or the opposing counsel laughs at me?”

“That is not gonna happen, Claudia,” Harvey reassured. “You have prepared some amazing questions, you’ve got this in the bag.” “You know, I much prefer to stay in the background and do research. I don’t think I’m cut out to handle court stuff this is-”

“Hey,” he said so softly I almost didn’t hear him. He grabbed my trembling hand and held it between his own. My body went completely rigid, chest puffing in and out with heavy breaths. “You are going to do great today, I know it, Claudia. You are prepared, capable, and even more prepared. This is always what you’ve wanted to do, isn’t it?” I just nodded. Over the past week and a half of working together, I had told him what made me want to be a lawyer in the first place. About how I saw my best friends’ parents' business completely ruined by a group of robbers and their insurance did nothing to help them.

It made me so sad for them, made me feel so sick that I knew I had to do something to help them. I did my research and then brought it to them. They brought it to their lawyer and ended up getting a settlement for far more than they were ever gonna get. All because of me and my discovery that I made on my computer when I was thirteen.

“Okay. Think back to teenage Claudia for a moment. I bet she dreamed of being in this exact position. Where she can help people and give the sorry bastards who put them there a taste of their own medicine. Well, Claudia, here you are. Your very first case. Your very first helping hand. Your very first entrance into the world of the law. And you are going to absolutely shake up those witnesses, blindside them so hard they won’t have a choice but to tell the truth. This is your moment, Claudia’s moment. Don’t let fear take it from you, okay?” Again, all I could do was nod. And think about how warm his hand was in mine. We stood and he let go, leading me out of the office and down to his car waiting for him in front of the building. Ray, his driver, greeted me sweetly as I settled into the back seat with Harvey.

I flipped through my cards over and over and over on our way to the court house. Harvey snatched them from me. “Hey!” “You know the material,” he gave me a pointed look, sliding them in the breast pocket of his jacket. 

“I know but-” “There is no but,” he shrugged. “Have just one ounce of confidence, Claudia. Trust yourself.”

All of whatever I had been reading was swept from my mind as he placed his palm on my knee. I hadn’t realized it was bouncing up and down until he pressed against it to stop its movements. I tried to sit still, but I just started picking at my nails instead. 

“Claudia,” he said in a stern, commanding voice. I stopped my fidgeting, laying my hands flat in my lap. “Good, just relax. Everything will be alright.”

Highly doubtful. He was playing a dangerous game, and we both knew it. But neither of us said anything as he left his hand there the entire car ride. 

____

“After the conclusion of today’s trial, the jury here finds Fulton Dynamic guilty of trespassing and breaking and entering with intent to steal inside information.”

I felt the tension deflate from my body, eyes fluttering shut as the judges whacked the wooden disk on his stand. He said something, but I couldn’t even hear over the roar in my ear. Holy shit we won…

“Claudia,” Harvey shook my shoulder. I snapped my eyes to him. “Come on, let's get out of here.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice. 

I rested my head back against the seat, eyes focused on the window outside so I wouldn’t throw up. Man did I hate getting car sick every time I looked at my phone when in a car. The city lights were bright and fierce, unrelenting all hours of the day. Why on god's green earth did I decide to move to New York? Out of all the places I could’ve gone to work as an associate in this state, why did I choose the city? I hate the city. I’ve always hated the-

“Yoo-hoo,” I heard from my side. I lifted my exhausted head and gave Harvey a look. “Did you hear anything I said?”

‘Oh… n-no I’m sorry,” I stiffened, giving him my full attention. “What were you talking about?”

“I was just saying that you did a great job today, Claudia. You kicked ass in there,” he smiled.

“Thanks, Mr. Specter.” I just let out a sigh.

“You don’t think so?”

“Not really.” Anxiety swirled in my chest. Tears pricked my eyes and nose. 

“Why not? Claudia, you gave one of the best cross examinations I think I’ve ever seen. And the way you handled Cayhill? Defended Devlyn from those accusations? It was masterful.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

Silence hung between us. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “You did great today.”

“I was a complete idiot when I was defending Devlyn. I was way too animated and let my emotions get the best of me. For Christ's sake Judge Peterson gave me a warning.”

“I want you to take a guess at how many warnings judges give me when I’m the one in there leading the case.”

“You’re Harvey Specter, of course you… get a lot.”

“You right, I do get a lot. But that isn’t a bad thing. And I’ve been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you-” “That’s the problem,” I snapped. “You have been doing this for seventeen years and I’ve been doing it for ten days. I’ve barely got my toe in the water and I’ve already shown other lawyers and firms that I can’t keep my cool.”

“Claudia, you are passionate. I don’t see that as a huge problem in the courtroom. There needs to be a level of pushback from attorneys because if you, of all people on someone’s legal team, aren’t going to fight back, then you might as well be fired. Because you are the only person some people have hope for. You have to be aggressive and assertive sometimes to get the job done.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“I am going to teach you,” Harvey’s words completely short circuited my brain. 

“What do you mean?”

“Claudia, I think you’re going to be a great lawyer, even without my help. I know you struggle with confidence and that is all I want to help you with. To get some leverage over these other associates so you can climb that ladder.”

“I can’t just magically pull a wagon load of confidence out of my ass overnight,” I shook my head, folding my hands tightly together. “I don’t see how you can help me.”

The car pulled up outside the building and Harvey let out a sigh. Great. Now I’ve pissed him off, too. That’s exactly what I needed to do was piss off Harvey Specter after a great win. In all honesty, it had been a good day. I didn’t fumble the ball like I was going to, but this was completely taking away from them.

My door opened. Harvey looked down at me from outside and extended his hand. When did he get out of the car? I hesitantly took it, getting out and shutting the door behind me.

“Claudia,” Harvey started. “You need to learn to let go. To put the bad moments behind you.” “I can’t.” “Which is why you and I are going to go back up there and have a drink. Get to know each other a little bit so we can start building that trust. I know I intimidate you, and I try like hell to be as calm as I can around you, but one day Louis or Jessica or Donna is going to come into my office and give me some bad news. You might be there and see how I handle it. You might not, but I don’t want you to be afraid of that happening to you.”

“And how can I be sure that if I come up with a plan one day, and it falls through and goes to shit, you won’t flip out on me or fire me or-or-”

“Because I won’t. I give you my word. But I need yours as well.”

“Need my word, why?” “I need to know that you won’t think I’m a monster if you’re in the room and I lose my cool.”

I’ve never thought Harvey was a monster to begin with. I’ve always admired his ability to shut off his feelings and get the dirty work done. Of course I’ve seen that side of him a time or two, but never catastrophic like some of the stories I’ve heard from the third and fourth years.

“You have my word.”

The elevator chime brought me out of my spiraling momentarily to walk to Harvey’s office. The firm was empty, not even Jessica was here. He led me to his office and got to work on the drinks. My eyes wandered from him to the view through the window. This was the only part of the city I might’ve let myself enjoy from time to time. 

“Donna was right, you do have a lot of music,” I noted, taking in the wall filled with vinyl records. She mentioned it when I was caught with my head buried in a book in the library, some random Beatles song blasting so loud she could hear it down the hall. 

“You’re just now noticing that?” “Well, I haven’t exactly been in your office for anything other than to work on this case so… no I guess I never really noticed.”

“You can pick something to listen to, if you’d like.” He was gonna let me touch his records? This place was like a museum; autographed basketballs and baseballs, art hanging on the wall. “Or you can just stare at it.”

I flushed, picking up a record at random and handing it to him. In exchange, he handed me a glass a third full of whisky. I smelled it, it kind of made me scrunch my nose. I didn’t drink often; most of the time I was too tired to even feed myself let alone consume alcohol.

When I took a sip, I actually didn’t mind the taste. It was smooth, simple in flavor and didn’t burn too bad. Quite nice, for all it’s worth. 

There was a couch along the wall of records that I fixed myself on, Harvey taking the time to remove his tie and lay it across his desk before sitting across from me on one of the chairs. I toed off my pumps and set them on the floor beside the table. God damn did my feet hurt. 

“Do you do this with all the new associates?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, taking a seat in one of the chairs while I took up the couch. 

“I mean, when you think they’re ready, do you give them a case and help them get their foot in the door?”

“No, no I don’t,” Harvey admitted. “Louis is in charge of the associates. You know that.”

“Yes,” I nodded. “But I just thought that there was some deal between you guys: you have a mock trial with the new associates, whichever team wins gets to give a case to the best performing associate.”

Harvey laughed. I didn’t even know he knew how to do that. “Oh, Claudia, you really are that innocent, aren’t you?” My throat collapsed on itself. What did I say?

“Relax,” he set his glass down, swallowing his sip. “Yes, we do a fake trial every year for the first years, but we don’t just give them cases when they win. No one in their right mind would give a first year associate, fresh out of law school, the time of day. Normally they have to prove themself down the line, after years and years of loyalty to this firm to get their first case. And it’s usually pretty easy pro-bono shit.” I had to stop and think for a moment before I could speak. “You keep saying normally, usually… What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying, Claudia, is that in my decade plus of working here, I’ve never seen an associate who busts their ass quite like you. Who takes every ounce of bullshit from Louis and turns it into the Mona Lisa.”

“I think that everyone does tha-”

“No,” he cut me off. A stern look in his eyes, lips in that crooked line. “No they don’t. Not like you. You put your head down, get into it, and don't come up until you’ve found what you were looking for and thensome. You go above and beyond every time. You don’t go to Louis begging for more work, he brings it to you, and only you, because he knows he can count on you. Which means I know I can count on you, too.”

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I kind of just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. To make me evaporate and never see the light of day again. 

“Thank you, Mr. Specter. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but I am not very good in the spotlight. I don’t do well with… all of this.”

“I know, but I’m glad that you are trying anyway,” his smile was very charming. In a way that made his eyes crinkle. “So, besides giving a hell of a cross examination, what else do you like to do for ‘fun’?” 

“Well, for starters, your definition of fun, and mine, are going to be very different. I am a very solitary person, I don’t need to be around people to have a good time. Most of the time I prefer to go do things by myself because I find when I ask, people already have plans, or they’re faking having plans so they don’t have to hang out with me. I can’t tell what is the truth and what isn’t so I stopped asking… that was totally not what you asked. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble.”

“Go ahead, talk about whatever you want. I won’t judge you.”

A small part of me believed that he wouldn’t. A tiny, microscopic part. 

“There is nothing like the feeling of getting lost in a good book. I’m a complete sucker for a cliche rom-com where the bad guy gets the good girl.”

Harvey let out a dramatic puff of air, laughing into the space around us. 

“You said you wouldn’t judge!” I chuckled. 

“I’m not, it’s just lame. Come on, what do you really like to do for fun?”

“That is what I really like to do for fun,” I let my hand fall to the cushion beside me. “I told you, I am not a very interesting person. I don’t have time for a whole lot of anything other than working here so… Most of my hobbies have been put on the back burner through grad school and working nonstop.”

“If you could be any type of sea creature, what would you be?” 

“What does that literally have anything to do with anything we were just talking about?”

“It doesn’t,” Harvey smiled. “I’m just curious.”

“I don’t know, a jellyfish?”

“Really?” He questioned, one brow rising higher than the other. “I’d be a great white shark.”

“Of course you would,” I snickered. “Harvey Specter, the Great White of New York. If you wanted to be a real predator that no one fucks with, you should be an Orca.” “A whale?” “The killer whale,” I corrected. “They put sharks in the obituary for fun, you know. They sink yachts for fun, too. If you really want to be on top, be an Orca. No one in their right minds fucks with an Orca. They’re intelligent and not afraid of anything.”

“Aww, you think I’m intelligent and not afraid of anything?” Harvey mewled. 

“Well, duh you’re Harvey Specter.” Everyone knew it. Harvey was the baddest cat in the sky, you didn’t approach him without giving him your respect. Cause if you didn’t, a whole boat load of shit will be coming your way. 

Harvey rolled his eyes. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is more to Harvey Specter than the title my name comes with.”

“Of course,” I agreed. “Harvey Specter, badass attorney and the best closer New York has ever seen, killer whale of the corporate world.” Harvey couldn’t keep his laugh inside, sending the rumbling noise into the office. I made Harvey laugh, and I have for the past however many minutes. 

“You left out the part where I’m devastatingly attractive and charming,” his smirk was nothing short of either of those things. Devastating and charming. It cut through me like a hot knife. I knew I blushed because his eyes went to my cheeks and that spot at the base of my throat that always gives it away. 

My fingers tapped away anxiously at the glass in my hands, fingernails rattling against its crystal surface. 

“It’s late I should… I should go.” Great, now I’m flustered and stuttering. As quickly as I could, I threw my heels back on and reached for my coat. 

“Claudia-”

“Thank you for the drink, and for all your help on the case,” I hurried out, trying to not let my voice break and give away all the things I wanted to say. “Have a good night, Mr. Specter.”

“Claudia.” His voice commanded, stopping my movements. I held still on the couch, drinking in his stare. “Stay.”

“Mr. Specter I really should-”

“Harvey,” he bit out a little harshly. “Stop calling me Mr. Specter.”

“I’m sorry. Harvey, it’s late.” He just nodded, taking a sip from his glass. “And?”

“It’s been a long day and I think we should both go and get some much deserved rest,” I spoke quietly, resuming my nail picking from earlier. 

“Do you really want to leave?” 

It was such a loaded question. Yes, absolutely I wanted to fucking leave. But there was something deep in his eyes, deep in his voice that made me want to stay and explore. My heart was hammering in my chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, no matter how much I wanted to look away. It was impossible. 

“I don’t think you do,” he answered for me. “I told you I was going to help build your confidence.”

You never told me how, jackass, I thought. I swallowed, nothing going down, but I did it anyway. Harvey threw back what was left of his whisky and sat back, knees far apart, fingers drawing patterns on the arm rests of the chair. 

“Come here, Claudia.” What? “You heard me.”

Shit, I must’ve said it out loud. If I thought my heart was racing before, it sure as hell was halfway around the world now. Legs trembling, I rose. Why the fuck did I stand up? It wasn’t too late to make a beeline for the door and pray he didn’t catch up. Then again, it wasn’t like I could escape him, we worked in the same fucking building. On the same floor. 

When I came to a halt, a few feet in front of him, he held out his hand, palm up. As I put my fingers in his grasp, there was nothing I could do. Harvey yanked me to him, other hand catching my hip as I collapsed into him with a yelp. 

“Straddle my thigh,” he ordered. Something about the way his voice went down my spine made me obey. With extreme hesitance, I moved one leg on each side of his, lowering myself. I didn’t dare put all of my weight down. And he knew it because his hands came up to my hips and forced me all the way. 

“Sir, what are you-”

“Do not call me Sir unless you are ready to deal with those consequences.” His fingers dug into the exposed skin on my thigh, eyes full of his pupils. 

“Harvey, what are you doing? We shouldn’t be doing… whatever this is,” I tried to defuse the situation as best I could, but there was such a seriousness written in his features I wasn’t sure I could sway him. Maybe I didn’t want to, either. 

“How does it feel?” He asked.

I blinked, “H-How does what feel, Harvey?”

He smiled at the use of his name on my tongue. I hadn’t really ever called him by his first name.

“To have one of the most powerful men in the city underneath you, bent to your will?”

When I did look away from his face, to where I was seated on his lap, I felt my stomach start to twist and mold into something new. I did have Harvey Specter underneath me. Granted, at his own command, but still…

“And before you even think about it, no. I don’t do this with all the other associates.”

“Then why me?” My voice was a barely there whisper, gaze averted from his until his thumb caught my chin and made me look into his eyes. 

“Because I see something else in you that I don’t think anyone realizes. And I know the world will never see it unless you start believing in yourself and take control of the cards you’ve been dealt.”

I took a moment to steady my breath, and my uncontrollable thoughts. “And you think that whatever this is… you think this is going to help with that?”

Harvey shrugged, “I am in no way forcing you to be here, am I?”

My blush came creeping back. Of course he wasn’t forcing me to be here. I shook my head, my face just inches from his. I felt oddly relaxed under his touch.

“And I am not stopping you from getting up and leaving right now. It’s your choice, Claudia, but I think you want to be here, on my lap. Because if you didn’t, you would’ve already left.”

God dammit I hated this cocky son of a bitch. Was he right? Yes. Of fucking course he was. But the way his mouth curled up was dangerous. This was dangerous, and utterly a horrible idea. Was I really about to sit here, on one of my bosses thighs? He did look pretty good under me, shirt unbuttoned the top three, cologne wafting into the air every time he moved his head. 

Harvey’s hands came back to my hips as he leaned up.

“So, are you going to get up and leave? Or, are you going to ride my thigh while I tell you how pretty you look?” His breath tickled my ear, his lips trailing the space just below. I couldn’t help the shudder that went through my whole body, and I knew Harvey felt it because he cooed.

As I adjusted myself, I couldn’t help the movement, his breath on my skin was making me flutter, Harvey moved my hips back and forth. I felt the air take from my throat. The material of his pants against my core wracked through me. So unexpectedly I found myself pressing closer to him so I wouldn’t fall off. 

“That’s it, Claudia…” His voice was sickly sweet with praise. Harvey moved to fiddle with the front of his pants, and when I went to look, he caught my chin. “Eyes up here, sweetheart.”

“Harvey this… this isn’t the best idea,” I kept trying to reason. Not necessarily with him, but with myself. Obviously he wanted it, so why was I trying to convince myself to go?

“So?”

“This could have some serious implications if we don’t-”

He laughed against my neck, placing a few kisses right over where I always blushed. “Claudia, Claudia, Claudia. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You are wound far too tightly with concern. You need to let go, need to be out of control with something in your life.”

“Let me guess, that something is going to be you?”

“Only if you want it to be,” he said. “Look Claudia, I know we don’t exactly always see eye to eye on things, and we sure as hell haven’t really worked together, but that doesn’t make me less sure about this. About you. If you are having doubts, and this isn’t what you want, then walk away and we never have to talk about it ever again. But I think there is a part of you that really likes seeing me under you. That likes knowing you can make me this way.”

“And what if I do?” Harvey was right. God dammit he was right and he knew it. I looked and saw just what I had been doing to him. 

“Then just let yourself enjoy it because I know I want to.”

Man, he was quite the smooth talker. My resolve crumbled and I gave in. No, I didn’t give in, I made the choice to let this happen. Harvey wanted this too, for some reason known only to the great mother and beyond. This was not going to end well, I don’t know why I thought so, but I just know this is going to cause a problem down the road. Maybe it’ll be a good one, maybe it won’t– Jesus I need to get out of my head before I start thinking into oblivion. 

Harvey rolled his eyes, hand cupping the side of my face before his lips met mine. The gasp I let out… I could feel his smile. He guided my hand into the front of his pants, but did nothing else. Just left it there. 

When I tried to pull away, he bit my lip and pulled me right back in. Finger pressing into the front of my throat. In a commanding, possessive way that made my stomach burn with desire. 

I slowly traced around the outline of him. My fingers were trembling so fiercely that I wasn’t sure they were moving at all. As best I could control them, I made my way up to the waistband of his briefs, just… testing the waters. 

“You’re so close to where I need you,” Harvey purred, eyes looking at my surly swollen lips. “Go on, sweetheart, don’t be shy.”

I guess there really was no turning back. As my hand ventured further, I ducked down and swept my tongue into his mouth. He approved very enthusiastically. Harvey continued to guide my hips back and forth and back and forth across his thigh. All too gently, all too slowly. One of his hands kept working my hip, the other camp up around my throat.

How could he know that was one of my weakest sides? It didn’t prevent any air, but it was a firm reminder. 

His breath broke our searing lips when I moved my thumb over the tip of his cock. Harvey’s grip tightened on my throat and a noise slipped through my mouth. There was little I could do to keep my eyes from lulling back, head going with it. He made an effort to weave his fingers between my locks and pulled. A lot harder than I think he actually meant to. 

“Sorry, sweetheart,” he murmured against my ear, sending goosebumps down my neck and arms. “I can’t help myself when you make such pretty noises. I’ll be gentle.”

I huffed out a laugh, as best I could with the straight against my neck. “I don’t mind.”

“Those are dangerous words, Claudia,” he warned, bringing my head back up. His eyes were dark in a way I couldn’t process in that moment. His lips were red and his hair was a mess from my fingers. 

I tugged at him as emphasis for my earlier words. “I don’t mind you being rough with me.”

His eyes closed, and his jaw clenched. I continued my motions, slow and long, drawing divine noises from him. Even with his hands away from my hips, I still moved them, picking up pace with my hand. I took the liberty to occupy his mouth with my own, hopefully filling him with euphoria. It was fast, and quite messy. My hair was sticking to the back of my neck with sweat, and I could taste it on his skin when I couldn’t help but trail my tongue up his throat. 

Harvey murmured my name, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t now, not with the constant moans and praise from his tongue. ‘Just like that sweetheart’, ‘I know that pretty mouth of yours will feel so much better wrapped around my cock’, ‘Can’t wait to take you apart’.

With his release, warm and wet over the back of my hand, he stilled my hips. Fingers digging in. At some point my skirt rode up, or he tugged it over my ass, and his nails left long lines of scratches. I hissed, and Harvey was breathing deep.

Harvey’s grin was nothing short of animalistic as he looked at where my hand still connected us. “Look at that, sweetheart. Look how well you’ve done.”

I could do nothing to keep my blood from rushing to my face. When I moved my hand– not entirely sure if I should get up and clean it off– Harvey snatched my wrist. 

“Open.”

I was going to question him, but I watched his eyes flick over my surely swollen lips. I flushed deeper. And deeper again as he moved them into my mouth. Bitter, but not in a bad way. And If I had been thoroughly fucked, I’d undoubtably find it irresistible. 

“Good girl, Claudia.”

There would be no way to recover from hearing that. I shuddered, so hard I clamped his thigh between my own, and whimpered. Like I had never before. And his stare… the way his eyes watched my tongue circle over my fingers. As they watched me swallow him down. 

“I bet you didn’t even realize,” he tilted his head, tucking hair behind my ear, flopping it behind my shoulder. 

“Realize…what?”

“How you took control. How confident you were with your hand… with that wicked tongue of yours. It was like it was second nature for you, wasn’t it? I didn’t even have to tell you to keep moving your hips. You just did it.”

I didn’t even know I was doing most of it… It all just happened. At some point or another. 

“I wouldn’t say that I was confi-”

“Yes,” he interrupted. “You were. And that feeling, of being in control, is what you need to feel when you are in the courtroom. You were able to do it here, with me, to me. It was the most powerful and direct I’ve ever seen you.”

“Sex and being a lawyer aren’t exactly the same thing.”

“No, but you were able to feel safe and let yourself go. To release all that potential and work miracles.”

“You’d consider me giving you an orgasm a miracle?”

He chuckled, leaning so his lips brushed against mine. “Your hands do miraculous things to me, Claudia. I don’t normally give myself to someone the way I did with you. I didn’t have any second thoughts about it because I knew how willing you’d be to please me. And god damn do I love watching you pleasure yourself for me.”

In the minutes that followed, Harvey stood me up and straightened out my skirt. He did give me some hand sanitizer until I could go to the bathroom. I watched as he tucked in his shirt, buttoning his pants and rolling the sleeves back up his arms. 

“Harvey?”

“Yes, Claudia?” His voice was much more mellow. 

“How often is this… you know. Gonna happen?”

He smirked, “Why, already picturing yourself on your knees for me?”

I wasn’t, but I sure as hell was now. One thing that I needed to learn to do was control my facial reactions because judging by the way his stepped closer, he could see that I was, in fact, picturing his hand in my hair while he forced me to take it down my-

“Oh sweet sweet Claudia,” he chuckled, tilting up my chin. “You really are that eager to please me.”

“I was just wondering when you were going to return the favor.”

Harvey seized my throat, tighter than he had before. “Don’t you worry, sweetheart. I will have my name dripping from your tongue for so long you will forget it completely and beg for mercy. And when you beg for it, just know that you won’t get it until I say you do.”

[vhstown]

miles morales x you headcanons

— 1610!miles x gn!reader (friends to lovers)

warnings: just fluff lol (miles is a dork)

note: normal spider-man au, a little tiny bit long. v self indulgent and oddly specific but i tried to keep them in character + inclusive 😭 wrote this at 3am, somewhat edited

For context, you were Miles' first real friend at Brooklyn Visions. You kept running into each other, and he had a strong liking to you after you helped him escape the wrath of the hall monitors without question. Becoming fast friends, Miles is quickly involved in every part of your life at the academy, and he even more quickly develops a crush on you. Luckily for you, he completely forgets about the shoulder touch. The man has no game when he's around you, his best friend, though it's not like he needs to.

Miles draws you a lot, to the point where it's almost obsessive. You're in his sketchbook, class notes, a loose scribble on the back of a receipt. You have your hair different one day and he scrambles to capture it somewhere without you noticing. He has it down to a science, and he tries to convince himself it's absolutely normal to be able to draw you perfectly from memory.

When you find out, he wants a portal to open up and swallow him whole. It's more endearing than anything, though. It's not like you haven't been stealing glances of his portraits in the middle of class anyway.

You may or may not tease him relentlessly about it, but eventually, you get comfortable whenever he slips out his favourite pencil and you pretend not to catch his subtle, studying glances.

Miles loves his headphones, sure. He begged his mom to get them for him ages ago, promising he'd put them to good use. They're basically glued to his ears, that is, unless he's talking to you. He always takes them off, listening intently to whatever you have to say, even if you're making small talk or just saying hi.

Sharing music with you is always at the back of his mind until he finally caves and buys a pair of wired earphones. It becomes routine to listen to something together whenever you hang out, pulled a little closer to each other by the wire playing Sunflower between you.

And yes, he made you a playlist. He's definitely embarrassed about it at first, and listens to it a number of times beforehand to make sure you'd like it. It's full of songs that make him think of you and ones you expressed interest in. He's definitely overthought it, but it's worth your reaction and seeing the Spotify like count increase to one. He listens to it more than you do, though.

Miles is nervous about telling his mom about you. About the both of you. Yeah, he's already told her every detail of you and your life, but he's scared of what she'd think of meeting you in person; it's not like she's hyperaware of the boy she's known for all his life suddenly changing when you're brought up, right? Rio is definitely a mama bear, even if Miles gets the brunt of it sometimes, but when he brings you over for the first time you feel more than welcome. Miles' mom and dad are constantly whispering to each other during dinner trying to make you feel comfortable, and you catching one of Rio's half-scowls at her husband when he asks a stupid question. Either way, there are hugs and kisses at the door, and you leave with your heart and your stomach full. They might just be your new parents. (Maybe in the future?)

Miles definitely helps you with school when he can, especially with more technical subjects. He always drops everything when you message him with a math problem or right before your science finals. He's up on call with you til the sun's up, the both of you questioning your sanity and basic reason when it's really just an excuse to spend time with each other (though the circumstances are unideal.) You send him your English essay to read over one day and he painstakingly looks through it to find things to compliment you on; he has no idea what you're talking about.

And calls with you are one of his guilty pleasures. When he's sure Ganke's not paying attention or his mom's checked his room for the last time, he drops you a hopeful message. You're tired, but you find yourself justifying each time you call until 3 in the morning, talking about the same couple of things. He likes hearing about your day, where you've been, what hilarious or strange thing happened in your classes. He likes hearing your voice most of all; it's even more comforting when it's muffled by sleep and your thoughts come out in jumbled repetitions of the same thing. One day, you fall asleep on call. Miles doesn't bother to decline it, pulling his blanket over him and letting his eyes close to the sound of your breathing.

When the two of you actually get together, he's even more nervous than he was bringing you over for the first time. His brain short-circuits when you say you like him back, and he just says "yeah" or nods to everything you say. He can't believe you like him. Outside of being Spider-Man, he's a bit of a nobody (he just likes keeping to himself). Not to you, though. You're his only other friend besides Ganke (more like the sneaker thief) at Brooklyn Visions, and now he's yours. Despite the ample advice from his uncle, he misses your first kiss. (You try again after a lot of laughter and it's all okay when he gets used to it.)

But... he might be getting too used to it. In fact, now that he knows you're okay with the scary concept of kissing, he's always holding your hand, brushing away strands of your hair, even just holding onto your sleeve by his fingertips. Miles always steals kisses, especially before he runs off to his class on the other side of the academy (he insists on walking you to yours. Yes, he's been late multiple times.) You swear you'll get him back for those one-sided kisses, but the debt piles up, and you eventually get used to it too.

When he hasn't seen you in a while (after slinking off for his friendly neighborhood duties), he pulls you into the most enveloping, bone-crushing hug. His head is pressed into your shoulder and arms almost double-wrapped around your torso like he hasn't seen you in years. It feels like he could pick you up, no matter how much you insist he'll never be able to lift you. It gives you a strange sense of security, and you never question why someone of his stature could probably throw you like a tennis ball.

Though, when you do manage to show him affection before he slips away, he totally melts at your touch. It's like his crush forms all over again, like it's your first kiss all over again. You like to bombard him with love just to see him go quiet and flustered and hear that very specific laugh he's had since his crush formed. He likes having you close, no matter what you're doing. Even if you're both on your phones, he always lets you lean against him or has an arm around you. When you catch him off guard with a little peck on the face, you notice him frantically looking through his home screen like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

You'll get him back one day. Until then, you'll chase him around the whole of Brooklyn if you have to. He's happy to be caught, even happier to be your boyfriend. Maybe one day he'll even give you his drawings of you. Or his entire sketchbook, it's basically all just you. Recently, it's been made up of your smiles. Maybe he'll just keep the sketchbook for himself.

🕸️💫🎧

thank you for reading ^^ this is my first post so any suggestions wld be appreciated. this is my secondary blog so i can't reply but feel free to drop an ask! (not taking requests atm)

read the rest of my atsv headcanons here!

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Another Lie || CL16 {5} - Max's Ending

Warnings: 18+ only, fluff, angst WC: 2.7k

F1 Masterlist || One || Two || Three || Four || Five (Charles) || Five (Max) || 5.1 blurb request

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you sighed as you saw the traffic backed up behind a collision. There was no way you were going to make it to your flight with the busy narrow streets brought to a standstill.

Knowing there was nothing to be done you found a good playlist and hummed along to the songs until you swore you heard your name. Sure enough, when you turned the music down and looked up you found Max Verstappen walking out of the apartment block beside you.

“It is you,” he greeted with a bright smile as he walked up to the door of your rental car.

There was no point leaving the engine running when the traffic wasn’t going to move any time soon, so you turned it off and unbuckled your seatbelt.

“Are you back for good?” he asked as he opened the door for you.

“I was actually on my way to the airport but that doesn’t look like it’s happening now.”

His smile dimmed around the edges. “Oh, what brought you back?”

“The baby shower. Weren’t you invited?” You frowned as you remembered seeing at least Pierre, Carlos and Lando at the venue and there were probably more drivers that you didn’t notice.

“I’m not interested in going anywhere that asshole is. The only place I see him is in my rearview mirrors on the track.”

Your frown deepened at the acidic answer. “I thought you were friends.” They had always been friends off the track and you had even been to Max’s birthday parties with Charles.

“No, that ended in Vegas. My mother used to say we’re only as good as the company we keep, so I told him my opinion and left it at that.”

Your lips parted but you were too stunned to speak and it took a second to recover. “Your opinion?”

His blue eyes held yours as he stepped closer so no one overheard the conversation. “I told him he was a fucking imbecile and that you were better off without him. You deserve better.”

You looked down at your feet with a smile and a soft laugh. “Thank you, Max. I honestly didn’t think anyone cared.”

“I tried to call you to see how you were…” His hand came to rest on the small of your back and guided you off the street that was getting busier as more drivers left their vehicles. “Do you want to come and wait upstairs?”

You looked around the crowd and saw some had their phones out snapping pictures of Max. “Is Kelly here? I don’t want to cause any problems for you.”

“You won’t,” he said quietly as he led the way inside. “She moved out a few months ago.”

“Oh, that sucks. What happened? If you don’t mind. I don’t exactly keep up with the gossip pages anymore.”

He pressed the button for the elevator to the penthouse as he shrugged. “We were at different points in our life and she wanted things I just wasn’t ready for.”

“Commitment?” you asked curiously but he barked a laugh and shook his head.

“Commitment I have no issue with,” he sighed and brushed a hand through his hair as the elevator climbed higher and higher, “but she wanted to have another baby because she was turning 35. I didn’t think age was a good enough reason to bring a child into the world, and I don’t want to be a part time father but I’m sure as hell not ready to retire either.”

Most people misunderstood Max’s blunt honesty as being cold and impersonal but you welcomed the practicality of it after all the lies you had been told. You respected him even more for it.

“And she really wasn’t willing to wait a few more years?”

“I thought she was. She said she was,” he said as he unlocked his door and opened it for you. “When I found her flushing her pills down the toilet, it was over.”

“Oh, Max,” you sighed and wrapped your arms around his waist knowing all too well how hurtful it was to be fed lies. “I’m sorry.”

He was slow to return the hug but you had to admit it felt nice when his arms encircled your waist and you realised it was the first time you had ever actually hugged him.

“Do you want a drink?” he asked after you pulled away not wanting to make him uncomfortable.

“I’m not keeping you from your day, am I?”

He shook his head. “I was only going for a walk to get out of the house. My own company wasn’t cutting it.”

“I know that feeling.” You smiled as he spoke of another similarity you shared and followed him to the kitchen. “I’ll have whatever you’re having, thanks.”

He gestured to the kitchen island where a couple of bar stools were tucked away and you took a seat as you inspected the gorgeous home.

“You look great,” Mac said suddenly as he handed you a glass of orange juice. “I almost didn’t recognise you, you look…happy.”

“Thanks…I think,” you chuckled before taking a sip of the drink.

“No, but seriously. Every time I saw you it looked like you were in pain. I guess you were, I just didn’t know why.” He sat beside you with his own glass and ran his finger around the rim. “So tell me, what have you been doing with your freedom?”

An hour later Max had heard all about your ‘recovery time’ as you had called it and he had smiled proudly as you regaled the adventures you had been on after the initial heartbreak. You had then moved out onto his large terrace to enjoy the afternoon, and it was the perfect spot to sit and watch to see when the road was ready to be reopened.

You were disappointed when the road was almost cleared and it was time to start making your way back down. It had been fun hanging out with Max and actually getting to know him. Whenever you had spoken in the past Charles had always been quick to take you away, his jealousy and possessive nature keeping you from ever getting too close to anyone else.

“Are you sure you have to go?” Max asked as he walked you back to your car and saw your luggage on the back seat. “You only just got here.”

“I know,” you sighed sadly. “I didn’t expect to want to stay longer.”

“Can I at least get your new number?” he asked as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “So I can actually hear how you are doing.”

You grinned as you took his phone and entered the number very few people had. “I’d like that, Max.”

He opened your car door and you surprised him as you threw your arms around his waist but he returned the hug much faster this time.

“I hope I can see you again soon,” he admitted in your ear before he kissed your cheek and stepped back. “I like seeing you happy.”

“Me too.” The smile he had brought to your face would remain there for hours as you slipped into the driver's seat and placed your phone in the holder. “I’ll be waiting for your call.”

He closed the door for you and as you pulled away from the curb your phone rang over the stereo. You could see him in the rearview mirror with his phone to his ear and you hit the answer button.

“Hey,” you greeted with a giggle.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting…”

Four Years Later.

A dark head of hair disappeared into the narrow alley between motorhomes and you frowned as you waited for another to follow. When three long seconds had passed and no one went after him you darted out of the Red Bull motorhome and into the same alleyway.

Industrial sized power cords littered the floor and hazard signs lined the cladding of the two motorhomes that housed the Red Bull and the Ferrari central hubs. You knew he couldn’t have gotten far as you burst out the other end and into the busy paddock, your eyes scanning the crowds before spotting him weaving aimlessly through the people.

“Jules!” The boy stopped as you called out and he looked around to figure out who it came from. By then you had reached him and placed a hand on his shoulder as you knelt to his height. “Where are you heading, little man?”

“Looking for my father,” he said with tears in his green eyes. He was the spitting image of Charles with his hair and those eyes, it was just like looking at his childhood photos again.

“I can help you, Jules, if that’s alright? My name is Y/N.”

He politely shook your hand that you offered. “How do you know my name?”

“I’ve known your father for a very long time and you look just like him. Come on, I’ll take you to him.”

You fired a quick message to Max letting him know where you were disappearing to since he was expecting to find you in hospitality.

“Do you like racing?” you asked, making small talk along the way.

He nodded eagerly. “I’m going to race for Ferrari when I grow up.”

“I remember another boy who said the same thing, and he did it so I know you can too if you put your mind to it.”

You received a few odd looks when you entered the Ferrari garage but no one stopped you as you weaved through the workshop and tire shelves and eventually found a familiar face.

“Alessandro, have you seen Charles?”

Alessandro’s eyebrows rose at the guest tucked behind your legs before pointing to the room with Charles’ name on it. “Careful. He’s in a bad mood.”

“When isn’t he,” you muttered as you led the way and rapped your knuckles on the door.

“What?”

“Pére!” Jules shouted happily when he heard his father’s voice and the door was torn open.

Charles’ face flashed through a montage of emotions. Shock, confusion, excitement, anger. You watched it all as his eyes darted between you and his son before he recovered and picked Jules up.

“Where’s your mother?” Charles asked, his voice laced with barely restrained anger. “You’re meant to be with her.”

Jules shrugged. “Don’t know, but I want to stay with you. Can’t I stay with you, pére?”

Charles sighed and tucked Jules’ head into his neck so the boy didn’t see his jaw clench or hear his teeth gnash together.

“I found him wandering the paddock looking for you,” you explained as you backed away. “I didn’t see Sapphire anywhere.”

“I’m surprised you even noticed, you’re always so busy with Max.”

You rolled your eyes at the bitterness. Charles had never accepted his situation he got himself into or the fact that you moved on. There wasn’t a conversation where he didn’t criticise the relationship you had with Max which was why you tried to avoid it where possible.

“Maybe you should worry more about your own family and less about mine. There’s 20,000 people in the paddock today, Charles, you should be thanking the fucking stars it was me who found him.” An annoyed sound growled in the back of your throat as he didn’t even blink at your words and you knew sparing anymore would be a waste of breath. “It was nice to meet you, Jules. Goodbye, Charles.”

A hand caught yours as you turned away and you narrowed your eyes at the owner until he dropped it. “Why him?”

In all honesty, the question was three years overdue. Charles had had plenty of opportunities to ask that question in the years since the relationship had gone public and you returned to the paddock, only this time it was in support of Red Bull.

“Do you hate me that much?” he asked when you remained silent.

“I don’t hate you, Charles,” you said honestly. “To hate you would mean feeling something for you, which I don’t. My relationship with Max has absolutely nothing to do with you. Max and I understand each other and we respect each other, it’s a relationship built on trust and it’s healthy.”

“What a load of shit,” Charles snorted and put Jules down on the chair in his room before stepping closer. “You can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to me, bella. You always liked to play these games to make me jealous.”

You stepped out of the room as you saw the dark glint in his eyes, but still he followed you through the garage as his crew watched. There was an edge to him that grown sharper over the years as he spiralled into the hole he found himself in, but so long as his risks paid off on the track no one brought attention to the behaviour.

“This isn’t a game, Charles. Haven’t you learnt that yet?” You reached the fresh air and saw the welcoming red and black colours next door. “You could have lost Jules today. Go and take care of your son.”

An arm curled around your waist and you breathed a sigh of relief and Max kissed your temple. “I was just coming to find you.”

“Why? Worried she came crawling back to me?” Charles challenged with a smirk.

“No, I don’t have to worry about that,” Max laughed before he recovered and looked at you. “We have an announcement to make. Ready, my love?”

You laced your fingers together and nodded, a flutter of excitement rippling through you at the thought. “Ready.”

“What’s the announcement?”

“I’m not going to spoil the surprise,” Max said as he walked you into Red Bull where everyone was waiting. Spotlights were aimed at the two chairs behind a table draped in Red Bull livery and Max pulled your seat out for you, pushing it back in as you sat down. The heat of the spotlights were uncomfortable but you forgot about it when Max kissed you knuckles and gave you a reassuring smile. “No backing out now.”

You chuckled and squeezed his hand that rested on your thigh. “It’s a little late for that.”

The media producer held his hand up and counted down the seconds to the cameras going live. For two people who lived relatively private lives, you were about to make a lot of noise but in a few short months it would be impossible to keep secret anyway.

“The people here at Red Bull have been my family for the past decade and I would not have had the success of winning five championships without their support. I want to thank each and every one of you guys for all the hard work you have done over the years.” Max’s voice started to crack and pulled his hand up higher so it rested against the very slight swell of your stomach.

“This will be my last session in Formula 1,” he said to the camera with a smile. “I will be retiring from racing to start a much more exciting adventure with my wife, as we are having a family of our own.”

A loud cheer erupted through the packed motorhome and Max looked happier than when he was on the top podium as he kissed you in the chaos. “I love you,” he whispered against your lips. “You and our child will never want for anything, I will always be there for you, both of you.”

“I know. I trust you,” you replied as you rested your forehead against his. Max had shown you how love was supposed to be, he had shown you how to trust again. He had kept every promise he ever made, he treated you like a queen and worshipped you like a goddess. You couldn’t imagine a better man to spend the rest of your life with and raise a family with. “I love you, Max. You’re my everything.”

Click here for Charles’ reaction to the announcement.

Click here for Charles’ ending.

[notwiredforthisworld]

Somewhere in 2012, a friend introduced me to a boyband she liked. I had no idea who they were. I hadn’t even turned 10 then, and I didn’t have social media. She played me a few songs, and I remember not getting it at first, and telling her that I didn’t like it. I loved music, but I never really cared too much about getting to know artists, so her obsession didn’t really make sense to me. But for some reason, when I got home that day I searched ‘One Direction’ on youtube. I watched music videos, interviews, fan compilations. I fell down a rabbit hole of fanmade lyric videos until I knew every single word to every single song, in a language that wasn’t even mine. I still say that I learned more english from one direction interviews than I ever did in school. I’m not sure where or why the obsession started. Maybe I just wanted to fit in, to like the thing that all of my friends liked. But somewhere along the line, it became so much more than that. It was their music, playing on a loop in my headphones, that helped me drown out everything wrong around me. One Direction was the reason I fell in love with music, the reason I joined social media, the first fandom I was in. It was the reason there were even others, the reason I met so many people. My best friends.

When One Direction announced a show in my country, in 2014, my friend went to see it, even though it was halfway across the country. I was 12 at the time, and I begged my parents to go. They said no. Their excuse was that I was too young, and neither of them understood a teenage girl’s obsession with a boyband, and if I’m honest with myself, I can now understand they probably couldn’t afford it. So they said no. And they promised me that next time I could go. A year later, I was leaving a music class with that same friend when one direction posted a statement about Zayn leaving. I cried the whole way home. I think that was my first heartbreak. The year after, they split up, even if 13 year old me would yell at everyone who dared mention it that it was a break, not a break up. I changed schools that year. I lost touch with that friend. A lot of things changed, but my playlist didn’t. It never did. 15 year old me started high school in a new place, listening to that same band, with the same posters hanging on the back of my door, just as excited for solo releases as I had been for one direction.

In 2019, when Harry announced a show in my country, that friend was the first person I called. The show was postponed, due to covid, but I remember 17 year old held on to those things like her life depended on it. I think in a way, it did. During lockdown, I got closer to the fandom than I had been in years. I was straight out of high school, I was lonely, and lost, and 18 year old me found in old videos and online communities the same sense of belonging she had found at 10. In 2022, me and my friend saw Harry together. I think a part of my teenage self was healed that day. So the year after, when Louis announced a show in the same place, 20 year old me skipped a uni class to buy tickets. It was the first concert I went to alone, and I sat on the floor of an arena during my favorite song, crying in the arms of a girl I never saw again. I hope she’s okay. That’s still one of my favorite moments. In 2023, Niall announced a tour without a stop in my country. 21 year old me drained her savings to fly to Ireland and see him there. When my mom argued, I told her she didn’t get to complain, because she hadn’t let me go to a show when they were still together, and if there would never be a next time, I would have to see all of them. Whatever it took. Until there was a next time. As I write this, the fact that there will actually never be a next time is hitting me like a brick.

Out of all of them, I probably resonated with Liam’s music the least. Right now, it’s bittersweet to realize I fell out of it, because of that and because of everything that came out after. Right now, 10 year old me is grieving. But so is 12 year old me, waiting up for music video releases. So is 15 year old me, going to high school with four playing on her headphones. So is 18 year old me, watching x factor videos when she got sad during lockdown. So is 22 year old me, coming to terms with the fact that one of the people she looked up to the most is… maybe not that good of a person.

One Direction has been a part of my life for longer that they haven’t been. I don’t remember a single moment, a single age, a single milestone, that they weren’t a part of, in some way.

So right now, I’m thinking of Liam’s family, of his friends, of his child. And I’m thinking of the boys, now men, that changed my life so profoundly, without ever knowing who I was. And on another note, I’m also thinking of Maya, and the women who came forward, and who will definitely feel the weight of this, even if they shouldn’t, even if it’s not on them, because that’s the way the internet works. I know that, because one direction is why I joined it in the first place. And it changed my life. To a degree, it changed my entire view of the world.

It’s a conflicting feeling. Grief usually is. But this type of grief… there’s no guidebook. How do you grieve someone who was never actually in your life? How do you grieve a face on a screen? A voice on a track? And specially, how do you do so while knowing so many things that you just can’t accept? Can’t support? That go against everything that is your beliefs? It hurts. It hurts that he’ll never get the help he so clearly needed. It hurts that the people who have always brought me the most comfort got their hearts broken in a way that was so drastic, so painful, so definitive. It hurts that it’s so definitive. So final. I think that’s the worst part. The little tiny part of me that has spent the last almost 10 years trying to believe it wasn’t final… just got told that it is. And it hurts that it feels like it’s not acceptable to be hurting like this.

I used to think about growing old one day, being in my 50s or 60s and having to read news like this one. But we were supposed to be old. We were supposed to have time. I wasn’t supposed to be 22, grabbing my phone to a text from my friend asking if I’d heard. If I was okay. I’m not.

I can’t listen to One Direction right now. But I hope 10 year old me can still turn the volume up when her parents are fighting in the next room. I hope 13 year old me can scream the lyrics to midnight memories at her friends’ houses. I hope 16 year old me can curl up in bed listening to made in the am everytime she needs someone to be there for her, like she always did. I hope 18 year old me, starting college alone in the middle of the pandemic, can rewatch San Siro and quote every line and find comfort in the nostalgia. I hope 20 year old me is screaming along at all the solo concerts. You’ll never see the 5 of them. I’m sorry.

In the end, my heart is with everyone who personally knew and loved Liam. And then it’s with us. The ones who grew up with him. The ones who found a sense of belonging in playlists, and stan accounts, and fanfics, and concerts. Because we’ll never get a next time. The boys will never get a next time. And I’m not really sure how to handle that thought, because there was supposed to be time, for all of us.

We were supposed to have a next time. Liam deserved a next time.

There was a whole lot of history there, after all.

[hydrngea]

before the party

request : omg I was looking through your blog and I saw you listen to Rauw Alejandro, who is one of my current obsessions! Can I request an imagine with Rafe where the reader is listening to Rauw while getting ready for a party and he just loves watching her sing along and dance to the songs without having any idea what they mean?

a/n : i’m so glad i got this request bc i’ve been so into rauw lately!!! hope you guys enjoy this kinda smutty fic 🫣 this is a repost bc for tumblr was being annoying w it!

notes / summary : rafe didn’t realize your spanish playlist had such horny lyrics. reader is spanish speaking, but i left race/ethnicity to interpretation! pls be 18+ when reading!!

——-

rafe remembers absolutely nothing from high school spanish.

well, with seniora baldwin as a teacher for four years in a row, there’s no way he remember more than two percent of what he learned.

kinda ironic that his girlfriend is fluent in the language.

there’s no reason for him to be annoyed that you speak spanish. your knowledge comes with a bunch of perks.- acting as a free translator during deals down in florida and mexico. makes navigating vacations much easier too.

there’s one thing though; he can’t understand for the life of him what you’re saying when you start speaking it. or in this case, when you’re singing it.

your voice echos from the bathroom into your shared bedroom while you sing along to your playlist which is mostly consisted of some latin party music. b

rafe walks into the restroom to grab some hair gel when he finds shaking your hips and dancing along as you draw on your eyeliner in the mirror.

he lets out a chuckle, panning his eyes over your figure. “what’s he saying about the party?”

your reflection tenses at his question, and a flush begins to pool over the face of your skin.

“he’s saying…things.” you drag your response while you clean up your eyeliner.

“sure.” rafe rolls his eyes before exiting into the bedroom, pulling out his phone from his pocket.

he sits down onto the bench in front of your bed and searches up “party” by rauw translation. he clicks the first link and starts reading the translated lyrics line by line.

he has to hold in the laugh that grows in his throat while he takes in the absolutely vile lyrics.

“i’ll smack that ass” he repeats outloud, and the music from the speaker immediately pauses as you push your head out the doorway with a confused look on you face.

“what?”

rafe almsot chokes at the next lyric, eye widening and brows lifting. he gets up and walks towards you while reading it out, “that booty is for me to use.”

you relax once it clicks in your mind that he’s reading off something, letting out an annoyed sigh before stepping back in front of the mirror.

you notice rafes hand approaching the backside of your skirt from the reflection of the mirror and you swat at it before he can touch it.

“uh uh! vamos a llegar tarde a la fiesta por tu culpa!”

rafe blinks at you in confusion. you turn around, facing him “it’s your fault we’ll be late to the party.” you reiterate so he can understand.

“i didn’t realize this rauw guy sung such horny songs, baby.”

you roll your eyes, unpausing the music on your phone and resuming with patting on your blush. “well, if you’d learned spanish by now you would’ve known.”

rafe gets closer behind you, putting a hand on your hip and forcing you to turn around and face face him. your back leans against the edge of the vanity and you set down your compact onto the counter.

“you’re going to ruin my clothes!” you squirm as his hands begin to run over your bare thighs, trailing up under your skirt.

he leans forward to bring his lips to your neck, pressing kisses down to your collarbone “i don’t care.”

“rafe,” you shudder when his lips reach the top of your breast, sucking hard enough to leave a mark.

he shushes you, his breath grazing over your skin while he starts pulling down your bottoms.

you lean your head back which allows him greater exposure to your skin, giving into his actions.

“we need to make this-“ a gasp cuts off your words, two fingers slipping up your entrance and hitting deep against your walls. you wrap your arms around his broad shoulders and use them to keep you steady while he plunges them in and out and a deteriorating pattern, slowly cracking down on the tension in your body.

“you like that, y/n/n?” he questions as he quickens his pace, thumb grazing over your nub. rafe’s lips catch yours in a hard embrace, and he swallows the moan that falls from your throat. you tighten your grip on his biceps and arch against his fingers, enjoying the sensation of his slender digits pumping into your core.

a familiar burning feeling forms in your abdomen, and your begin to writhe on-top of the counter, bucking your hips up to meet the him as he curls his fingers inside you.

you let out another moan into his collarbone and he smirks, pulling his fingers out right before you cross the edge. “baby, please-“ you cry but he retreats from you, walking away while lapping at the wetness left on his fingers with concerning nonchalance.

rafe shrugs, walking out of the bathroom into where he came from. “we’re gonna be late to the party,”

he abandons you on the vanity with your skirt pooled on the tile floor, your chest heaving and wetness dripping down you leg into your calves.

you can’t help but let out a small laugh.

of course rafe would do this—he loves teasing and making sure that you know who you belong to, even though he knows he has no competition.

——-

taglist (let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!) : @maybankslover @mrsstarkey1 @a-aexotic @penny4yourthoughts @poguesworld @tee-swizzle @sangytv

masterlist / recent fic

[lundenloves]

ESSAY OF MUSIC 141 STYLEEEEE 🎶🔥‼️😏

i’ll provide 5 songs for each 141 member and alex because i’m having his baby, explaining when the song comes to them and why. it’s going to be fun ok R U READY? let’s fucking go 🏁🏁

ok starting with el capitan

so barry made a playlist dictating what he listens to when getting into character for price. now. that being said. we all know, we all seen, that closer by nin was there but for the sake of horniness i’m not going to look at that.

so- nonetheless, i think john price primarily listens to standard rock in his older age with heavier punk rock in his youth, a song comes on that reminds him of it and he’s the first to point a finger and say ‘great song that.’

a classic. one he always reverts back to when talking about music. reminds him of his second tour when being a youngster and everyone thought they was minted for listening to pink floyd. it zones him out, best enjoyed with a beer or while driving in the rain.

fun fact! price is often in charge of music when it’s an option as his music is ��background enough’ as beautifully worded by soap.

price proceeded to drunkenly force soap to listen to the lyrics. no, really listen.

another must have.

it’s his go to song while on deployment when he gets a moment to himself. it’s repeated upward of seven times before he calls it a night, smoking cigarettes instead of cigars because they weren’t supplied.

probably one of his favourite songs ever for reasons he can’t really explain but it seems to land deep.

fun fact! simon also enjoys it under a really rough day but otherwise he has no fucks 🍻whey

dad!price LORE he met his wife over this song no one look at me or talk to me in this moment.

sat at the bar ok and it’s a rock bar, foot tapping against the bar rail, his eyes were down by his feet before they had caught sight of another foot tapping up and down to the beat. his eyes looked up and THERE SHE WAS. dancing and laughing loudly with her friend.

did price drunkenly end up singing with her? information undisclosed. did they end up going home together? undisclosed.

was a child conceived that night? maybe.

it’s in his playlist isn’t it. driving he’ll tap his hands on the wheel to the beat of the drums, an avid foo fighters man.

he managed to get leave to go see them in london and oh my god it was the type of shit that would make you cry, like a dad seeing his favourite band for the first time it was THAT kind of vibe.

tho he got absolutely steaming and his wife did too cos she matches his freak and they was jumping around together and it was elite. #iwasthere

fun fact! he too graduated from nirvana to foo fighters early days and it’s something him and simon have in common.

beautiful song or whatever 🚶🏼‍♀️

his wife really liked the libertines when they met so he kind of always associates this with her, the type of song he would put on and stare out the window for a considerably long time.

is a nerd for the guitar too so whenever there’s a nice section he’s there to appreciate it.

this is PART ONE! i’m not sure who to do next but i’ll let you lot decide.

[the-raging-tempest]

Thank you for the tag Dujour 💕 @dujour13

As you know I can’t pick favorites so I’m going to do them both. An excuse to post about songs in my frankly insufferably long playlists for them. This is such a long post that I will let the song and lyrics choices be unexplained. Unless people are truly curious haha

I’ll tag @aelyosos @bearvanhelsing @thesolemnhour @amatres @undyingembers

Rules: If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following:

1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End credits song

Lariel

1. Hey, Who Really Cares - Linda Perhacs

"Hey now, who really cares Hey, won't somebody listen Let me say what's been on my mind Can I bring it out to you I need someone to talk to And no one else would spare me the time"

2. People Are Strangers - Zella Day

"You're only alone for a little while So do what you can to sit back and smile They tell you that they'll never tell you a lie Put you in a spell to get you on their side They're trying to hide, but they're crossing the line And it's bad behavior"

3. Run Devil Run - Haunted Like Human

"Call her prophet, call her priestess, call her witch or patron saint But we know Jesus ain’t around no more and there’s people needing saved Don’t think God’s got any part of it, no holy books or ancient tongues There’s bottle of fire in her hand, and there’s fire in her lungs"

4. Closer - The Tiny, Elle-Kari

"Then you're close enough to lose Close to the point where you know that your mind It can not choose Close enough to lose Close enough to lose Your heart"

5. Simmer - Hayley Williams

"Control There's so many ways to give in Eyes closed Another way to make it to ten Oh, how to draw the line between wrath and mercy? Gotta simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer down"

6. You in a Place for a While by Yourself - Voice Coils

"Sometimes I find myself hearing verses from other songs Melodies I heard in a dream where your eyes turned white And I felt like loosening off of the centaurs in me And those songs sustained through our minds until we were silent Hooves heard by the drift outside"

Zrise

1. Favoured Son - The Mechanisms

"I can pay your way If your part you’ll play In service to the family As my favoured son" Buy a life eternal with my (your) bloodied hands In service to the family as the favoured son"

2. Rex - Brutus II - The Buttress

"Mothers will kill their own daughters And friend will kill friend It's not cruel or loveless or hatred Cause even if it means I must erase you I do so for the good of the many of those who must remain so please forgive me!"

3. Heartless - The Weeknd

"'Cause I'm heartless And I'm back to my ways 'cause I'm heartless All this money and this pain got me heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless Said I'm heartless Tryna be a better man but I'm heartless Never be a wedding plan for the heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless"

4. Thank You for the Venom - My Chemical Romance

"You'll never make me leave I wear this on my sleeve Give me a reason to believe So give me all your poison And give me all your pills And give me all your hopeless hearts And make me ill You're running after something That you'll never kill If this is what you want Then fire at will"

5. SLAY!! - Paledusk, Hideyoshi

"SLAY!!SLAY!!SLAY!!SLAY!! I'm your slayer 茶割り飲み We're getting higher SLAY!!SLAY!! あんま気にせんや ニアサイド 飛び込んだコーナー"

6. Sick, Sick, Sick - Queens of the Stone Age

"First thing we succumb to Shall erase and undo Days are unreleased, if there's no release Please just let me do whatever fits you Make something, make someone Beg on a knee, baby, baby please Pout your bottom lip while cracking the whip You know what we want, it's candy to cum to"

[lady-bluebird-luv]

Hello again - Santa here! I just can’t stay away. I hope you are enjoying Feysand week, spooky season, and that beautiful autumn weather surrounds you!

You did such a good job of playing the build a fic game, I think you might be sneaking ever closer to Santa’s nice list! However, now I have several ideas kicking around and I would love to hear a little more from you to lock into the best present possible.

1. What do you love about Feysand? What are some of your favorite moments?

2. Is there a certain stage of their relationship you can’t get enough of? UTM, early ACOMAF, Velaris, post mating bond? Or maybe you’re interested in what’s happening after ACOSF?

3. Do you have any favorite headcanons or things you think we missed out on in canon?

Enjoy the rest of fabulous Feysand week giftee!

Santa, all I want is to be on your nice list 🥹. Happy Feysand week!!! I could write 300+ pages on these questions, but I don't think Tumblr will let me write a post that long. I think (I hope?) these answers will still give you plenty to work with, though.

1) The short version is that I love Feysand's unconditional acceptance and support for each other. I saw something about how the appeal behind enemies-to-lovers is that it means your partner saw you at your worst before they saw you at your best, and they loved you anyways. That's very true for Feyre and Rhys. I know some people, especially post-ACOSF, talk about Feyre being naive about Rhys's asshole-ness or being brainwashed by the mate bond. IMO, she's always seen the darkness, and she simply does not give a fuck. Rhys likewise recognized a similar darkness in her before she saw it in herself. Rhys will be a monster to protect the people he loves, and Feyre loves him for it because she's the same.

They're the ultimate ride-or-dies for each other. In ACOTAR, Rhys was ready to damn the world to protect Feyre. When he tried to scare her into leaving Prythian, he wasn't just condemning himself to Amarantha, but potentially damning everyone else to an eternity UTM, too. No cursebreaker, no freedom, right? Similarly, when Rhys dies in ACOWAR, Feyre is ready to daemati the other courts into bringing him back - a diplomatic nightmare in the long run, but she doesn't care. There's something undeniably selfish about their devotion to each other, but for me... it just scratches an itch that no other ship does.

I also adore the mentor/mentee dynamic in their relationship. Maybe it's the daddy kink in me, IDK. Growing up, Feyre hasn't really had someone who will not only be on her side, but also provide for her - she got parentified at 11. Both with Tam and Rhys, we see that she wants a partner who will provide for her if she needs it - the reason Feylin doesn't work and Feysand does is because Tamlin imposes that provision, and Rhys doesn't. Feyre wants room to do her own thing, but she wants to know that, when she needs it, she has someone who she can lean on. I'm obsessed with Rhys both wanting to be that person and with him wanting her to (literally) grow her own wings. He never holds things she doesn't know against her, and I think their personalities are endearing together in part because of their age/experience difference.

One of the songs that reminds me the most of them is Hozier's NFWMB, if that helps. I actually have a whole Feysand playlist here (the order is kinda important but only a little).

2) As far as favorite stages go (and favorite moments, to carry that over from your first question), I'm obsessed with ACOMAF and early ACOWAR. I've talked a little here about how I think Feyre is angry at Rhys in ACOMAF partially because she doesn't know what to do with her attraction to him, and here about how ACOMAF is about Feyre accepting and loving herself, not just accepting and loving Rhys. Both of these threads are a big part of why I love Feysand. IRL, People are messy, flawed, complicated, and almost always still loveable. I think ACOMAF Feysand embodies that perfectly.

I love the moment at the beginning of ACOMAF when Feyre overhears Ianthe suggesting they assassinate Rhys and she's horrified, because it shows how in denial she is. I love the confrontation with Lucien in the mountains because Feyre realizes she's willing to do something that she would have once considered unthinkable (hurt Lucien) to protect Rhys, and she's not upset by it. I love when they pretend the mating bond broke, because their ability to play off of each other shows how they really are birds of a feather.

That's also why I adore Feyre at the beginning of ACOWAR - she's being so wicked, but it's all her. Rhys isn't giving her input on her strategy. Her deception in the Spring Court also shows how much she's learned from Rhys.

3) I really wish we saw more of Feyre being a politician. E.g. Feyre holding court alone in the Hewn City, putting Keir in his place like in the beginning of this fic I'm currently slobbering over from @rosanna-writer. In general, I'm obsessed CoN/dark!Feysand, and I wish SJM leaned into their dark sides more.

I also think we got robbed of a Helion/Rhys/Feyre threesome in canon. (I'm generally intrigued by Rhys and Helion's definitely-not-totally-platonic history, but this post is already pretty long, so that's for another time). Sometimes, I also wish that we saw Feyre and Tamlin sitting down to talk about everything that happened. I'm kinda of two minds about that, though - I don't think Feyre is the one who needs that conversation in order to find closure, and I don't want her to talk to Tam just because he needs her to.

I don't know if we'll ever see adult Nyx in canon, but I would love to eventually see teen/young adult Nyx, especially during his HL training. I want to know how he reconciles the tender, loving parents he has behind closed doors with their sometimes-brutal public personas. I want to know what he thinks of the mythos surrounding his family and how he navigates intercourt relations (especially relations with the Spring Court?) as he takes on more and more responsibility. I want to know what he thinks of Eris: they're both princes, but where Nyx would do anything to protect his parents, Eris is willing to take a blade to his father.

UMMMM I'm trying to think if there's anything else. I think there is, but that's all that comes to mind right now.

Santa, I'm so sorry for the late response! I hope you're as excited to catch up on all the Feysand week fics as I am :).

[barrenclan]

Been too afraid to suggest this for a while bc... social anxiety,, so I'm going anon.

Just another music ask!! "The Line" by Vera Sola feels like a very Barrenclan song to me

Oooh, this is a good one, I can definitely see it. A lot of vibes for original RoseClan/early BarrenClan.

She was the first one to go <- Wheatstar I'll be back for you, the final words she spoke He was the second one to leave <- Ladybugstar Whispered, don't you worry

Because time is a warm dark circle Day is returned to the looping of the line Night is only a passing thing We'll be back again when it's right

Fellas, is it gay to feel like this about your boss?

I don't show it but I quiver whenever you come near And I cannot decipher between the thrill and the fear I wanna stop it but like it too much to let it stop here It's wrong but I want you tonight It's not my own volition but I fell in deep By running the distance I've been advised to keep I trot to the wolf as a doting sheep It's wrong but I want you tonight

Rainhaze works with like 50% of songs ever made. He is my most Ashfur-esque character in that way.

There's a scavenger on the wind alone Where he roams in the land of the dust and bones

Nobody wants to be your friend when you're a scavenger on the wind

My mom is an oldschool fan of Laurie Anderson, and I listened to her growing up, so I was quite surprised to see that this song has become viral on TikTok. I highly recommend listening to the whole song, and her others as well.

And I said, "Okay, who is this really?" And the voice said "This is the hand, the hand that takes"

And when justice is gone There's always force And when force is gone There's always Mom, hi Mom

As long as people keep sending me songs, I'll keep doing them.

Maybe it's just a stupid dream I know you'd never change your life to be with me Six hours north in a city by the sea I want you herе right now I want you here with me

If I were closer, would you remember The way I made you feel in September? You said it's too cold in San Francisco But I keep you warm so you'll take me where you go

I am always here for a musical song, especially Into the Woods. Anything witchy character works for Nightberry.

THREE DAYS GRACE MENTIONED! The actual inspiration for the song came from an El Tango de Roxanne lyric, specifically this one:

"You're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me And please, believe me when I say I love you"

I like this song a lot too. Cormorantpaw works with any thrash-type music.

I have to ask cause I need something to last Too many times I've been left behind <- ohh... the corm......

Will you love me or leave me forever? Will you love me or leave me forever?

HAH I love it.

Yeah I can see it!

My parents sold me to a preacher Now I miss my mom and dad I heard they joined a cult They say, mass suicidal death I’m locked inside the church They say the prophecy’s foretold

They’ll preach salvation as they tie my limbs And rip out my teeth They’ll soak their daggers In the pigs blood As I beg and I plead

The Garden is actually already on the PATFW playlist! For the reasons which you listed, and I agree with you. :) Never Love An Anchor is also Slugpelt's themesong.

It looks like this one has been suggested before, probably for Rainhaze or Deepdark! I love Saint Motel's music.

Nobody has ever seen his face But fear his smile I heard he'll drink your blood just for the taste

Everybody tends to disagree On just how evil A single human being should ever be And all your bones, they scream for more

[vanderwoodlings]

fire escape: a dan&vanessa playlist (x)

Tracklist and commentary under the cut:

1. “We’re Going to Be Friends,” The White Stripes. Here we are, no one else/We walk to school all by ourselves is definitely the specific line that made this one for them as little kids need to be here—there’s a very specific way that Dan and Vanessa’s friendship involves (but quietly and unacknowledged) their family bullshit

2. “Kids In The Dark,” All Time Low. They left alone, the kids in the dark/To burn out forever or light up a spark

3. “You Get What You Give,” New Radicals. This whole damn world could fall apart/You’ll be okay, follow your heart/You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind/Now say you’re mine

4. “Little Cellist,” Bears In Trees. Hmmmm yeah I think they’re a little fucked in the head

5. “Walk Backwards,” Maude Latour. We’re still early days, here, little fourteen year olds who haven’t quite had anything go wrong with them yet and so they’re orbiting closer and Dan hasn’t really noticed that Vanessa’s got a crush and neither of them know it’s a bad idea

6. “Bruises,” Reneé Rapp. …but the truth is I bruise easily/And sure I’m down to be the joke/Metaphorically though.

7. “Prodigal,” David Wirsig. In the beginning we were banished/Then we stoked the fires/And scrapped our songs for salvage. The thing is, like, Dan craves acceptance by the cool kids even as he holds up his pretentiousness as a shield and Vanessa is an outsider who wants people to meet her where she is and accept her

8. “Forgive Me Friend,” Smith & Thell feat. Swedish Jam Factory. This kind of tracks us into s1: And I, I promised that we would never change/That you and me would always stay the same/How I let you down

9. “That’s What Friends Are For,” Dionne Warwick, Elton John. Keep smilin’, keep shinin’/Knowin’ you can always count on me for sure/That’s what friends are for/For good times and bad times

10. “Old Friends,” Pinegrove. …Significant amounts of this playlist may be bitchy. Maybe I should have gone out a bit more/When you guys were still in town/I got too caught up in my own shit

11. “Platonic Cuddling,” Breakup Shoes. But significant parts are also sweet! Lovely day to watch the clouds race/Lovely day, nothing I would change

12. “You’re My Best Friend,” Queen. They are. So stupid for repeatedly trying to date. I love them

13. “Give It Up,” I Fight Dragons. The UES is a seductive kind of hell. Give it up for human nature/Give it up now, bit by bit.

14. “Misfit,” High Dive Heart. I know people say that you’re a misfit/But that’s the thing I like about you

15. “Everything I Had,” Sub-Radio. And sometimes you grow apart and you don’t want to admit that things are falling apart and here you are anyway

16. “Youth,” Daughter.

17. “I’ve Been Over It,” Geowulf. Time and time again, my head just wants to find a reason why/I needed another lesson in choosing who to give my heart. Wherein you date the guy

18. “Grow Up and Be Kids,” The Cab. But it’s still gone.

19. “Dial Tones,” AS IT IS. All we ever share are dial tones

20. “Twins,” The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I didn’t mean to let you down/And now I know everything that’s good is gone

21. “I’m Not Calling You A Liar,” Florence + The Machine. I’m not calling you a liar/Just don’t lie to me

22. “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” Johnny Cash with June Carter Cash. Go away from my window/Leave at your own chosen speed/I’m not the one you want, babe/I’m not the one you need

23. “When We Were Writers,” Indigo Girls. This… might’ve been the first song on here? Idk the sense of artistic nostalgia just worked so very Correctly with their vibe

24. “Sober Up,” AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo. Won’t you help me sober up/Growin’ up, it made me numb/And I wanna feel somethin’ again. And we have arrived in early s4!

25. “Quarrel,” Moses Sumney. I love Moses Summey btw. Everyone should just go check him out. Quoting this as a quarrel so immorally implies/We’re equal opponents and we both antagonize

26. “i hope ur miserable until ur dead,” Nessa Barrett. She can be a little evil. As a treat. I hope you be yourself and lose your friends/I hope they call you out for shit you said/I hope you’re miserable until you’re dead

27. “Somebody That I Used To Know,” Gotye, Kimbra. But then she gets completely written off the show so… ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

28. “Please Leave A Light On When You Go,” fun. How do you fix something/That you can’t touch without hurting?/The lesson you’ve learned is leaving you dumb/Please leave a light on when it’s done

29. “Call Off Your Ghost,” Dessa. We’ve lived too close for too long

30. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” Stars. I put this one one the Vanessa playlist, thinking about her and Dan, and I knew I was going to end with it the moment I started this one—it’s kind of both the best and most tragic ending for them, to me, saying ‘I’m not that person anymore’

[bamdelune]

In Hindsight 🎼 bonus chapter: "never mind, never mine"

notes. character study-ish narration, not beta-read

Kunikuzushi was one who had the habit of tiptoeing around the depths of his emotions. Either he never bothered to scrutinize them at a closer angle or he was too afraid to do so. See, that was the problem with Kunikuzushi, he was one for fear. He wasn't fond of uncertainty but never liked knowing about his deepest thoughts too much that it allowed him clarity to his intentions. Unfortunately, the somewhat comfortable silence between the two of you gave him the chance for him to slip into a dreaded thought process about how exactly he ended up falling for you like this, at the worse time he thought was possible.

This revelation only took four phases to come into fruition, to the finding that he actually liked you more than just a medical practioner to a patient, more than a friend to another.

One, jealousy.

Kunikuzushi was confident. His life was sufficient, he was living, save for the few major regrets that sat at the back of his head. He never had a reason to be jealous of anyone. Now that the envy he felt for you wasn't coming from a malicious place, no, god forbid he'd ever think of hurting you.

Kuni liked living with no regrets, he always thought about his next move. Much contrast to the first impression of being the impulsive and tempermental guy he was set by people who set their eyes on him, he was considerate of the consequences that his actions bore. Maybe that was why he absolutely loathed the idea of having a puppy crush on you, someone who was supposed to be just a mere patient, someone who he was supposed to forget once you either passed or got better. But that's what you wanted to do too, right? To live with no regrets, only except you were free to do it and he wasn't.

You were aware that he didn't exactly have the best mother-son relationship. He didn't like talking about her. All you knew was that she was the director of the hospital you check into. Kuni thought that his mother should be lucky he still finds the love to call her "mother" when that was the last thing she was. The hospital director liked having control in this one, she believed that everything would be a little better if she oversees what needed to be managed the most. Control was something that Kuni wasn't granted in the major parts of his life. He envied the way you were so free to do anything that you wanted, he felt bad that you were this sick, of course but he was jealous that you had an outlet for that. But thank the archons for you, for you were able to teach him that it was okay to ask for a little.

Two, admiration.

Kuni was someone who took pride in being meticulous. He was picky. He didn't like touching certain textures, he hated certain flavors. Just like that, he also goes through a process of thinking about who he truly admired and respected. Lucky to say, you were one of them. He greatly respected how you continued to live as if your health wasn't worsening day by day, he admired how passionate you were about music. He admires how the lights in your now slightly sunken eyes looked so bright whenever you talked about writing and producing, how you break out into the biggest smiles when you find that some of your songs magically (allegedly, as Kuni says) found their way into his playlists, plural.

Three, denial

You see, Kunikuzushi didn't come to the realization that he liked you romantically on a whim. It's been roughly a month since he started shying away from the idea. Again, he's a meticulous person, someone who thinks before he does something.

He thought it was selfish of him, to ask for such a relationship with you when your life was on a timer. He denied countless times about what he truly felt for you. He blamed it on the thought that he was feeling this things for you just because you were going to be gone in roughly ten months. But with that reasoning, he found it funny on why he would actually put his time and effort into emotionally staying arm's length from you. The day on the beach, he finally just… let himself feel it. It was way easier than hiding it after all. It was easier to accept and act around you, and it was easier to find ways to keep himself in check.

Finally, acceptance.

What else can one say? Kuni has already come to terms with himself. Maybe these four phases are yet to be added to based on what he does next. Would he let you know? Would he keep his heart to himself again like he always did?

He's scared, again. Kunikuzushi feels scared that he's going to lose you inevitably, he doesn't want to go through the pain of standing before your headstone. He fears that a part of his heart will be buried along with you once you pass. He wants to move on with his life, without you being a significant figure in his memories. Kunikuzushi wants to treat you like a patient. Being his friend was enough to already blur the lines of the boundaries Baizhu set beforehand, what more a lover?

Maybe being yours wouldn't be so bad, either. He would feel the traces of the little stars you drew on the skin of his palm. He'd be able to have the pleasure of feeling his heart skip a bit because of you at least a few times everyday.

But as the both of you sit down on the grainy sand, with the waves of the shore caressing the pairs of your feet, he wants to wallow in the silence with you for just a little while. He wants to relish in the silence before the storm.

synopsis. You are a singer-songwriter. Music has always been a part of you, it's a part of your identity that no one can ever take away. However, there's always a catch: you are diagnosed with a chronic illness that puts your life on a timer. Those who have heard your countless melodies have grown to notice that the notes on the sheet played a gloomier tune. Would the snarky and capable medical student you've met be able to bring life back into these melodies? Even as life begins to seep out of your own body? (scaramouche x gn!reader)

tags. gender-neutral reader, angst, fluff, crack, heavy contexts of death and illnesses, friends to lovers, slowburn, profanities, drinking (characters are in college), suggestive themes but no nsfw.

taglist. — @beriiov @alatusorrow @br0oke96 @ohmyfinggod @itzblazekun @featuredtofu @sketcheeee @lazy-sanns @sakurapeach @sheraffim @vxmp-loml @sukunasrealgf @sleepning @yukiipc @thenightsflower @aqvvas (comment/send an ask to be added or removed, please let me know if i forgot to add you since my notification feed can be flooded sometimes!)

masterpost ★ masterlist © bamdelune 2023. do not repost, translate, plagiarize any of my works without permission, thank you so much! reblogs, notes, and comments are always appreciated!

[immoralimmortals]

A Song With Ten Names

Chapter 31: Sally's Song

Chapter 1 ☆ Next chapter ☆ AO3 ☆ Featured song playlist

Summary of chapter: What’s so wrong with Kakuzu playing around? It’s not like her affection will last. Nothing ever does.

Author's Note: I have a very strong attachment to this song. I try not to be *super* 1-1 with my personal experiences to what the reader analog "Takara" is supposed to be, but this one can't be helped. I love this song, it's the first song outside of church that I memorized, first song I sang for the purpose of wanting it to sound good. If Sally's Song has no fans, that means I am dead.

I really, really admire the Fiona Apple cover of this song especially, but for whatever reason it was removed from Spotify, apparently a couple of years ago. The rendition added to the fic playlist will be a music box instrumental by Music Box Rockstar. (Forgive me if I change my mind later).

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

And does he notice my feelings for him?

And will he see how much he means to me?

I think it's not to be

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Dappling light is a lot more awe-striking when you’re relearning how to see the world, the way it blots over each thing like flecks on a watercolor painting and makes you reevaluate its shape. The sun isn’t visible right now where the performer is, instead diffusing its rays through the fading foliage in this magical way. It’s fascinating, really, how in autumn so many plants seem to give one last hurrah by bleeding out all their bright colors before it’s time to die. There’s a similar reason why the performer is now stuck with her once favorite dress and sweater.

She wears both now, of course, as there is nothing else in her wardrobe. In the springtime with Hidan and Kakuzu’s initial company, it was quite fitting! White with pink and blue detailings, sort of like flowers fresh from the melting snow. Summer managed to fit still, sweater removable and sunhat appropriate. But now in fall, the warming hues of crimson, orange, gold, and brown make her miss a scarf she used to have with matching colors. The fiery rainbow refracts in her eyes until a cool-toned finger gently brushes up and down her arm. Kisame always oozes with a strange, contagious sort of vibrancy even though he doesn’t bounce off the walls like Tobi nor raise his voice like Hidan. It’s subtle, and though his color is blue, it’s an attitude that suits red maple leaves and yellowing morning glory vines that climb up old, moss-sodden lattice.

“Told you it’d be nice to get out of the place,” he asserts, having figuratively dragged her from bed for this. And she beams up at him, as though the woman is bone-tired, he is still right.

“Hey!" 

…Someone shouts to get their attention. A head of spiked hair perks up with double the attentiveness for his ward who can hardly blink, shifting his shoulders to turn them both around. Once it's had, Hidan purses his lips and gives the fish a judging look; he lets it sink in before putting in his two cents. "You shouldn't be carrying her everywhere.”

The privacy is quickly shattered, the interrupting voice reminding the performer of how, exactly, she even managed to go outside: that Kisame only got her here by picking her up and taking the lady himself. He’s so strong that it became second nature for a few minutes, and the silly thing entirely forgot that she is a grown-ass woman that can suddenly be held like a toddler. Mute, she instantly shrinks closer to his cloak— which he now dons over his indigo tank top with the chiller weather— a redness on her cheeks. The taller man blinks with a frown at his sudden opponent with gray hair and righteous attitude. "It's better than her staying in one spot for too long, isn’t it?”

Hidan effectively scrunches one half of his face, corner of his mouth pulling up and the right eye squinting. He’s seen her move on her own; why not just let her? It doesn’t make sense! Will she forget how?! “Then have her walk!”

A whimper is all she’s got, hiding more into the dark cloth at the shark’s neck. Kisame defends, a snarl curling his upper lip: "She's enjoying it."

The shirtless grim reaper stares long and hard to verify this to no avail, rolling his eyes back up to the fellow Akatsuki. "She looks unhappy, asshole."

"Yeah, now that you're scolding her,” the swordsman parries, holding her just a little bit closer as if the arm of his cloak can shield the poor woman from misunderstanding cruelty. “Can you either get with the program or shut up?"

"What?!” Hidan, of course takes offense, redirecting his attention to the one he’s actually worried for. “Girlie, hey! Look over here!" To Kisame’s dismay, ever so slowly…she abides, and he notes the anxiety in her eyes. "You enjoying that?" A flush in her cheeks...but she nods. There is no way to deny that this is oh so very wonderful. The priest blinks twice in disbelief. “W—... really?”  

Hidan’s double down is about to knock her off her feet (metaphorically, too): 

"Then— then let me carry you, too!"

Kisame’s response is immediate: "...What the hell?" he blinks back with his own shock. His shaming doesn’t work on a man who has no shame to speak of.

"If you get to, so do I,” Hidan argues, folding his arms matter-of-fact. “Simple as that!"

...By technicality, that is true. The kiri-nin looks to her attached to his side for approval or lack thereof once more. "You don't have to say yes...” he reminds under his breath.

But the consideration is heavy, her soft eyes glancing over to the silver-haired man standing on this path outside their house. Is Hidan only asking because he's jealous? Does he even want to? They haven't really talked since they…you know. But the firmness there... Regardless of motive, it does seem to be a sincere want. But she has her own, in spite of how she misses him: "I don't...want to be a bother..."

To that he frowns, and his hands lower onto his waist in a sure, somewhat annoyed stance. "Yer not." His half-lidded stare alone dares anyone to ask why he wants this, including her.

Unable to formulate an acceptance as an apology...she just nods up to the shark to abide by the other man’s wishes. Kisame reluctantly, awkwardly passes her to him, muttering something about not fucking dropping her, and she’s unsure what to do with her own arms in this exchange—

"Come ‘ere."

So Hidan does the actions for her, careful fingers with a ring like dusty dry blood adjusting her hands to loop around his neck and the back of her knees to go over his cloaked arm. The way he looks at her...hooded eyes so close to her own... Geez, it's a bit more believable Kisame is so strong, being so very tall and less human looking. Hidan is just... a guy. But she gives him no problem whatsoever...!

She remembers abruptly how heavy his scythe was. Oh.

…

...

"Okay..." Hidan asks the swordsman after glancing her up and down, "Now what?"

It's Kisame's turn to raise an eyebrow this time. "...What do you mean,” he asks flatly.

"The fuck do you do next?"

Kisame squints so much harder that his actual eyes aren't visible, merely small black gills over a widening grimace. He is starting to regret this pass-off. "You...hold her...?"

"I'll do it, un."

Before Hidan can argue his place, a blonde takes her into his own sure, smooth grasp. Oh dear. He's even smaller than Hidan but picks her up like she's lighter than a kitten...! It shuts her up into pure, unadulterated silence with a stare as big as two dinner plates. "Hey, darling." The artist blinks, smiling still but brow curling, shy girl saying nothing to help alleviate tension. "...What are we carrying you for...?" Deidara inquires.

"That’s what I was asking! Now let her down, okay?"

"Why?” Deidara scoffs at Hidan, backing half a step away as the latter ninja approaches to grab her back. “You were the one holding her, un."

"You didn't ask!"

"...Did I need to?"

"Yes," both fish and Jashinist confirm in aggravated unison.

Ohhh my gosh. Her face hurts from blushing so much, eyes from being so wide. Kisame takes it as his cue and he tentatively steps up, reaching out to take her back from this problem he incidentally started. "Let me...just—...” he stammers, ready to rescue from a social faux pas. “Come here, Takara-hime—"

"Swoop!"

With a flash of black and orange, an unexpected fourth man slips between them and flees, pastel-dressed prize in his arms. He trots away with the speed of a child stealing from a candy store, reaction stagnated by shock just until his long, trailing scarf is out of sight:

“TOBI!”

“TOBI?!”

“TOBI, YOU GODDAMN COCKSUCKER!!!”

The chase begins, a whine at the back of the kidnappee’s throat that wavers with each bounce of his feet. “Heehee!” he laughs, “Takara-chan is mine, mine mine mine!” the jester teases, shit-eating grin surely behind the spiral he wears as he revels in the tight grip lovely fingers make into his clothes. The swift shinobi weaves around one corner of the house, speeding through a pile of leaves which scatter about like Tobi had stepped on coals of a fire, flying sparks and embers that crunch instead of crackle. “If—” he huffs an exaggerated breath, “—They can’t decide who has you—” Breath. Another corner of the house is rounded. “—Then—” Breath. He stomps through a couple-days-old puddle, water droplets splashing cold against her legs. “It’s gonna— be me!”

The thief twists around one more side of the ancient home lined in dead vines like a gold trim only to be caught by surprise. Abrutptly, he stops to a halt, seeing something before his dear Takara-chan can register the new danger.

“Oh?” One...Two...Three. Surrounded!

Kisame is grinning to the left, Hidan is frowning to the right, and a fuming Deidara is directly behind, sliding open the back door with Tobi’s name cursing from the back of the tongue within his head. She’s not even the one running and this is all making the traveler lose her breath. How the hell did they move so fast...?! It’s only been all of, what, ten fucking seconds?!

"Oh— guess you got me!” He's playing, the fellow performer can still tell. Something's up his sleeve. Okay...so what does that mean—? “Catch!"

It means she's not ready for what's next, not all.

“AAAAAAH-!”

The woman screams as she’s tossed unceremoniously up to the clouds, feeling the force of gravity first in the way that her body attempts to break it, climbing up and up and up with the power of his throw. A couple of times on roller coasters have prepared her instincts well: her stomach sinks in anticipation for the rest of her, just as the acceleration slows and the drop is about to begin.

“AAA—” … And she waits for a fall that does not come. “...Oh…?” The first thing in her vision is the bright blue sky in contrast to the vast forest. Wow...what a view. It’s open like she’s high above—

—Oh. Oh Jesus. Is she really two stories up in the air? TOBI?!

A heavy, heavy sigh is heard from an open window nearby, practically behind her ear. It wakes her up to look down, first at the guys staring up at her from the ground, then a bit closer to her own self. Black threads wrap around her body, around from her back and then loop over and over around her legs; it feels as secure as, well, if you somehow warped metal straight out of the flame to a custom fit just for you. The sight of herself is enough to swallow further shrieks, much to the relief of he who has rescued her from such reckless affairs.

Kakuzu leans down, open fist outside the threshold of the window pane with threads weaving out of rips in his skin that keep her in place. Menacingly, his glower rolls down to the ants below. "You...stupid motherfuckers."

"IT WAS TOBI, JACKASS!" Hidan quickly accuses, pointing to the culprit. A growl and a death glare is all it takes for the masked man to whine like a scared puppy. That’s good enough to appease Kakuzu. For now.

Ironically enough, it's his turn in this ridiculous game: "Come on, then..."

The three watch as the woman flies back into the house, a small eek on the back of her tongue and window promptly shut behind her with a slam. A moment of silence, all four men staring up to where she was spirited away.

…

…

“He’s going to kill you, you know,” Hidan states without any urgency, glancing over to the orange spiral. “He’s kind of famous for that.” And though Tobi fakes shaking in his boots very, very convincingly, everyone else still thinks he’d deserve it.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

What will become of my dear friend?

Where will his actions lead us then?

Although I'd like to join the crowd

In their enthusiastic cloud

Try as I may, it doesn't last

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

What a mess, Kakuzu thinks. He exhales, fully undressed besides a pair of pants, no face covering nor shirt to cover his unnerving stitches. Thanks, Tobi. A small “oof” is muttered as the woman is set down on his bed without a second glance, man himself turning around to retain what little respect he has left. It's an opportunity for the performer to briefly gain her bearings. Kakuzu’s room, she vaguely recalls. Really has been inside it only once— no, not even inside . She’s only seen into it less than a handful of times. Frankly, it’s pretty...ordinary. It’s clean. It at first seems to lack hobbies. No piles of clay, no sword to polish (re-wrap??? Samehada is a stick of bandages, after all), no circle to pray in. But it becomes apparent that what he has instead of things to humor him is...finances. Receipts and bills are nicely organized or are in a pile waiting to be, a bingo book of wanted criminals open that perhaps may promise enough funds to keep this makeshift horrid fucking family alive another day. A couple of briefcases are neatly lined next to his desk, metal and heavy looking as if to transport valuables.

Her head shifts side to side. Grumbling, taking no heed, the treasurer has walked over to his closet in search of attire to make him better suited to be around a lady. He forgets so easily that the strangest thing about him isn't just the stitches but what they lead to on his backside…

"What...?"

Thinking this is about the metal threads, he looks over his shoulder as she finally looks to him and speaks. “They—” he begins. But, oh. Oh, no, it isn’t those her eyes are locked on; the threads have slunk back into his hollowed body already. What he sees, instead, is her pointing squarely at the masks. There's four of them, different animals and colors.

"Are those...attached to you?"

Ah. Right. Damn . He exhales yet again, not moving so she gets a good long look, ogles to her heart's content at the freak he is, get it out of the way. Guess it was inevitable she find out. "Yes." Then he reaches forward, a tank top chosen off the shelf with an open back for these creatures. It’s more comfortable, for one, and for another makes it easier to fight if they don’t have to pop through and ruin a perfectly good shirt. Never can be too prepared. Not too fast as to not scare, he turns his front back around despite his bare chest facing her. She looks so small, somehow, head hunched down and eyes angled up as she sits upon the edge of his own bed. How do they always get off the wrong foot when they don't even try?

"I'm sorry." Because of course she is. There’s footsteps coming up the stairs.

One thing is sure: "Don't be."

A thread drifts away from his bicep like an autonomous, thin tentacle, locking the door just in time to hear the nob shift futility and Hidan knock ever so impatiently to be let in. His head turns sharply, a snarl on his face. She notes how the way his eyes scrunch up is such a common expression above his usual mask; does he always frown like that when they do? "Give the girl ten damn minutes without your nonsense!"

Vague but clearly angry response muddles through the closed door, but Kakuzu's expression stays and so does his order. A moment of silence and gradually the arguing fades, something about promising to be back later. The hunter’s tense brow relaxes and so do the corners of his lips, and red and green eyes stop bulging. In. Out. He catches his breath and turns boiling rage to a simmer. For her sake. Calm down, for her sake.

The stitches on his face move with his cheeks, she can tell from where she grips the edge of the bed; they are, most certainly, not just burns or scars or face paint. His eyes catch hers, a challenge in them that regains a sliver of the anger he managed to beat back, daring her to call him a monster. Unnatural. Hideous. It’s all true, just get it over with. A flash of something else was before that, though, on his face. It's an emotion that feels familiar in her own chest.

Despite his expectations, she reaches out to him, slowly raising her wrist with a begging, upward-facing palm. He doesn't flinch, eyes starting at the woman’s fingertips, trailing up her arm and to her face.

"...What?"

How can she say it? Both palms, now, come back, gesturing together for him to come here. Out of pure confusion and desire to know what the hell she means, Kakuzu simply obeys.

Shaky hands go to the brown arm as he grunts with the unexpected contact, even as her touch is more gentle than he could have imagined. Maybe even especially so. As she sits on his bed, one hand goes under his palm to steady it in place while the other wanders up to explore, both visually and tactilly...

The bounty hunter…has two tattooed bands on his forearm. At first she assumed that's where they come from, but no, the actual stitches are higher up, unmistakable as the source of his eldritch-seeming threads. She traces up to the shoulder, then under his chin. There's even more of these lines on his torso, seen far, far too easily as he hasn’t yet slipped on his top in this unexpected intermission, and she can tell they all lead like train tracks to the masks embedded into his latissimus dorsi. Her eyes consume him, taste him, know him. She's far from the first to witness him like this, in battle or otherwise, and so he ignores the sense of novelty that washes over him and behaves with expectations that are tried and true. Something Kakuzu and his musician have in common is how they’ll insult themselves with the truth before you can turn it against them first.

"...I know. I know what I look like." But she acts like she hasn't . She's seen him before, though, the times she barged in at the peak of midnight...why is it different now?

Sometimes trauma heightens the senses, lets you take in things better than before. The quivering touch of the performer moves to reach further upon his skin, still. In awe, fingertips barely brush against his chest and most unbelievably, he doesn't stop her.

Tears well up on her eyes, which to his surprise turn up to his own instead of staying locked lower down on his ugly, deformed self.

"Does it hurt?"

...That’s not something he's been asked before. IF it hurt, yes, when “it” happened decades ago. If it does when hearts pump out of his back to attack and spew the elements at his enemies. Yes and yes, answers to both as well as if others have been so brave as to inquire directly to the bastard himself. But does he hurt now , merely existing with this curse? It's been so long with the aches stitched into him that he's forgotten, so he searches the numbness under his skin for what the answer may be.

"...Yes," he discovers, despite how it might make her cry. He knows she likes the truth. "...But it's better than before,” Kakuzu softens. In several ways. Better off with than without them. Better off than being fully human. Better off than being dead.

He sits down next to her and unbelievably, after rubbing the saltwater from her face, this woman shifts. Yes, yes, he is not mistaken; this woman now crawls onto his lap.

And he lets her. 

All hearts pounding in discordant, unmatched pulses, he lets her. Legs wrap around his side, thighs seated atop his own. She trusts him. Even after everything, even seeing him like this...—? Oh so delicately, with a hesitance that draws her away before curiosity pulls her back in, this soothing lady traces the metal woven into him. The way he is… It reminds her of something. Something distinct. A visceral sort of memory, one from long, long ago…

…Kakuzu notices before she does that his performer is humming.

It's a tune both sweet and melancholy, befitting a creature like her and somehow, too, the way she approaches a beast like him. His gaze softens, lips no longer a stern, stretched line, and he drinks her wonder in. Kakuzu missed the songs that used to always tinge her voice, and this is the first it’s come back since she has come back home to him, even if so, very small.

“...Oh…!” The woman pulls back, somehow both after too long and far too soon, and she...smiles up at him. This…who he is…makes her happy? “...You remind me of...a rag doll.”

…

Dark brown hair drifts past his face as he savors that nickname, elaborates to himself on the implications. He’s been called it before, yeah...usually just before deciding to detach the person by their arteries. How can it seem so... kind from those lips? So adoring…? She has an answer, and it’s silly just like her.

“When I was little…” the performer tries to explain with stilted words, as plainly as she can so as to not confuse, “...I loved a story. It had a rag doll...who...stuffed herself with leaves.”

The Frankenstein's Monster stays silent, does so regardless of if there’s more for her to add. The slightest, softest inhale and the humming begins again...this time closer to the singing the Akatsuki miss, just without words. Down, up, and up...down… Down, up, and up...down… Lovely indeed, whatever it is, even if simple and bouncy. It was, after all, one of the first melodies she memorized on her own volition. Idly, she traces him again, finding a spot just at his collarbone and right at her line of sight. The threads are stiffer than they look, less like woven fabric and more like surgical staples. How do they move with such lithe grace, so little effort?

As she ponderers this question, one of his own springs off Kakuzu's tongue like a diving board.

“...You never sang when you were alive?” To his relief, the humming doesn’t stop; it’s such a piece of her, this melody that she can do it without thinking. A free hand wipes her eye again, and despite the nature of everything, her tiny smile does not waver nor flinch away as she answers.

“...I wanted to,” she murmurs after a moment, voice light and wispy much the same way as she seems next to someone rough like himself. “I wanted to be a singer...a musician…” A guitarist, a keyboard player, a...star. A performer. “I...learned...to stop doing it...just because I felt I had to, and started doing it...for fun by myself.”

Eyes close, and she tries to identify these marks on him with touch alone, tries to narrow down exactly what he feels like skin on skin. Kakuzu wonders if she can feel how his pulse is stronger than one any normal person should have.

“You could have been.” And she is now, he reminds himself. Or at least she will be once this nonsense is said and done and she can get back to a nondescript civilian life. But...she shakes her head.

“Too scared,” the woman says, “Too shy.”

“How do you know that? Did you try?” Perhaps foolish to challenge; the thing she is surest in besides the persistent strength of humanity is the failures of her own making.

“I had the chance...I was offered...to be in a play…” The smile widens, showing teeth and hiding a grimace. “...I was too little and too scared. And I never…”

…

She doesn’t continue that thought.

“Why didn't you try again? You were just a child, right? Children are allowed to be wrong.” But as soon as he says it, he knows this isn’t true. He knows from experience. So does she. A long, painful silence...and then her eyes open. The humming continues, sweet and sad. She reaches up into his hair, delicately, to see if it feels as smooth as it looks.

"She falls in love with someone...who can't see his demise coming,” the woman explains of the rag doll with leaves. His brown hair is silky and soft. “She tries to help. In the end...it gets her in trouble. He realizes she's in danger and saves her." Kakuzu raises a brow, stitches at his mouth exaggerating a purse of his lips.

"What monster pairs with a living rag doll?" And to his surprise, she beams once more:

"A skeleton!"

...Oh. He grunts, his way of chuckling without being so vulnerable as to give off actual mirth, eyes hooding and smirk forming. "I know what you're going to say, Takara...that that’s like us."

The combing stops, big eyes blinking their befuddlement as the curled fingers pull away. "Excuse me?"

...Oh, dammit. She has never even seen Hidan's ritual form, and so Kakuzu feels his face flush at making the connection himself. Goddammit… As if Hidan could ever save him. It's always the other way around...

"Am...am I...a...a skeleton?" she stutters, not getting it.

"No,” he cuts in sharply. Too sharp, in fact— “I mean— ...never mind."

…

…

The now free hands of the woman fidget index fingers, pressing tip against tip. "There's another character...that's filled with bugs," she adds, as if this is helpful in any way whatsoever.

"…" Kakuzu answers, gaze narrowed and mouth in a straight line.

"I like bugs."

And so he exhales yet-fucking-again. "Takara, you're very fortunate I happen to be tolerant of the dumb shit you say." Hidan owes him for that, too, really.

"Oh." The woman on his lap doesn't need to say: she's sorry. She gets shy and withdrawn and her hands drift even further away. Exasperated, Kakuzu takes them into his own grasp.

"...But it's better than you never talking again."

He can't touch her with his own hands; surely he's too rough, both literally and figuratively. The threads come instead, strange and cold and inhuman. It only makes her remember what it was like to hold him by the fingers, though, as she did once when Kakuzu taught her how to read the stars.

"...Can I ask you something rude?"

What a weird thing to ask. He shrugs, just barely so not to shake her too much up and down as she sits on him. Is this fine? Is she safe so close to him? Is it proper for a man to let her do it? And yet he can’t bring himself to pull them apart. "Alright."

"Why is your skin... so...?"

It isn’t a sigh this time as he releases air from heavy lungs, but a chuckle. You can tell it comes from deep in his chest, even if quiet. "It'd be rude if you ignored it. That's just how I am now."

She blinks again, lashes fluttering. "You weren't... always...?"

"No. I was someone else a long time ago."

"Like me?"

…

He thinks about this, long and hard. This girl does, after all, remind him of who he used to be. So what does that mean of her before? He recalls her mentions of a life before a death, an existence riddled with agony, debt, and servitude. A broken loyalty to a system that felt nothing for her, and waking up to abandon it by any means necessary. …So, perhaps, they have switched lives. Silly boy to serious man. Serious woman to silly girl. Funny how life works out. They both had a death of sorts in between to make it happen, and here they are.

"Sure. Like you, I guess."

"Thank you," she responds inexplicably, despite the implications he sees, an emotion so bright dripping from her mouth like honey from a hive. There isn’t even a blush on her face; with the next action, it’s all whimsy and instinct and no thought whatsoever. It has to be, to be so silly.

The woman leans up and presses a kiss on his forehead, for once bare of the headband marked with his betrayal. A sensation tingles down his own cheeks, down his neck, into the depths of five dark hearts. Despite it all...he feels joy. It makes him tense up. Alas, this is so easy to pick up on with how close they are, and she jerks back immediately, crawling off his lap just as quickly as she got on. Now her face is red.

"Sorry…! I—... Sorry."

Sorry... That’s the right word for giving a guy like him the time of day, the warmth from a sixth blood-pumping organ somehow tied inseparably to his quintet. "It's fine,” he responds in calculation, choosing not to tell her how much he enjoyed it. “Just...be careful who you do that to. Alright?"

Instead of asking why, she simply says, unable to look him in the face: "I'm bad…" And calmly— oh so calmly compared to a moment ago— he retorts, his own voice murmured and already longing for her song.

"I didn't say that."

...

"I meant it,” the taki-nin elaborates, both as a comfort and an admonition. “We're all like this, Takara. ...If not outside like me then on the inside. Keep your wits about you. Save your affection for those who are deserving. It isn’t you that’s wrong, here. If someone has to be called 'bad'…" Childish worldview as it is, to be so black and white, the answer is undeniable. “...It’s us. They threw you, for god’s sake.”

"But...I...—"

"And if you can't," he adds selfishly, and the next is a whisper. "At least be tactful about it." The scariest part about what happens next is that he does, indeed, mull it over before it’s done. The outcomes are considered, the details poured over, and the fool still does exactly as he's warned her of.

A press of his world-weary lips comes from out of nowhere yet arrives so, so gently, just as soon pulling back before she can even tell what's happened. And though he isn’t brimming with sunshine like Takara can, this old man still can’t hide he’s making a silly, silly choice. "...Duckling."

And that’s it. There’s the slightest smirk on his face as he slinks backwards off the bed, visible until Kakuzu turns around and throws the signature cloak of his ilk over leathery-textured shoulders. The traveler gapes, what she thought as her mistake now his confirmation—

“Oi!” another guilty pleasure beckons impatiently behind Kakuzu’s locks. The bounty hunter huffs, allowing the woman one last opportunity to see a widening grin before the mask slips back on.

“Perfect timing.”

Before she knows it, another, paler set of arms come around the performer, Hidan complaining with his chin upon her head of her terrible, unforgivable absence for all of ten minutes. It really is over so very, very quickly. It has to be, lest the choices grow poorer and poorer between a half-naked man and a lady not even back to herself.

But he hums the lonely rag doll’s song back to himself all the same in private the rest of this day, up through dinner, in the bath, hell— maybe even in his sleep. It somehow sounds just fine on his old, gravely tongue as a mind re-walks the life it’s led just to work up to something as stupid and risky as this. Dead leaves fall down past the window where the zombie scooped her into his waiting lap, and he wonders what it would be like to stuff them underneath his patchwork skin.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

And will we ever end up together?

No, I think not, it's never to become

For I am not the one

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[the-courtsjester]

Greetings Ladys, gentlemen and... things, today I'll be posting my first headcanons but for what you may ask? ...go on ask me... I'll assume you asked

It's for Honkai Star Rail!

Now over time I will indulge in a bit if smut but for more I'll just probably mention characters doing something lewd or shit for one reason or another anyway let's begin!

Honkai Star Rail headcanons 1:

Stelle:

She's a lost puppy god damn, if she gets attached to someone and they wander off from the friend group she will not hesitate to go off with them

Stelle has more then occasionally had to run from law enforcement because she beat someone for bothering her friends too much

She occasionally just doesn't wear a bra and if someone points it out she'd genuinely have to remember what that is

She can and will bring a trashcan into the Astral Exress if no one stops her last time no one stopped her record was twelve in one room

Stelle will spend a good while on figuring out the perfect song to play in the Express for the day... only to just put it back to Take the Journey it's a good song I can't blame her

Stelle has made copys of their wanted posters and put them up in the Express Welt and Dan Heng have learned to not both with them but March can't stop taking the ones of her down only for seven more to appear

Silver Wolf:

As a gamer you'd expect her room to look like a tornado rolled through well you're very wrong! You foolishly foolish fool she's so meticulous in certain games she's had it bleed out into her real life

Wolfie have more then once stolen Blade's crdit card to use on monthly subscriptions ...not like he knows how to use that thing anyway

Sliver Wolf is a brat change my mind doesn't matter the scenario as long as it isn't life threatening if she finds it funny she'll be a brat

While yes she is amazing at multiplayer games she actually prefers single player and party games think, Mario Party, Smash Bros, The Jackbox series stuff like that one time she got Kafka and Blade to join her in Smash Bros and dear lord the look of Confusion on Blade's face

On the daily she will wear something similar to a hazmat suit and take all her limited edition collectibles and clean then meticulously from dusting off boxes to fixing any mistakes it has to make it absolutely perfect

She try's to make a ligament playlist to listen to but it somehow always get infested by video game osts and when asked for good song recommendations she takes a second to not say a video game song unless it's unironically good

Natasha:

Ask her what sleep it she'll take a couple seconds to respond because this woman doesn't sleep yet she tells everyone else to sleep

An entire corner of her room is dedicated to stuffed animals and she'll have a full on ceremony when she plans to gift one of them to one of the kids

She definitely listens to to System Of A Down in the same playlist as Barbie Girl but no one knows ...about Barbie Girl no one except it from her for some reason

Natasha sets up play dates with the kids and herself many times she has played the princess needing rescue and on occasion she'll play the hero or villain if requested to

On accident some of the kids managed to get her grenade launcher and she had a full on panic attack luckily it had no ammo but afterwards she kept it closer by at all times

Natasha in her free time likes to spend it with a cup of coffee and any one of the solitaire versions or any of those old computer games like minesweeper and has become unironically really good at it

Ah well that will do it for now, I'm only doing three for now as they're the three I would say, I know the best but I do feel like Natasha's wasn't as good as it could be I don't know why though, but I may see you all tomorrow with another post

Goodnight my lovely audience!

[mr-nauseam]

for this ask game

Can you tell me about "You let me desecrate you"?

I'M SUCH A YAPPER. SORRY GRACE THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THAT FIC. It was tormenting me on my wips for MONTHS so I DO HAVE A LOT TO SAY. (Favorite Scene) From the second chapter in general I quite liked writing that whole scene when Sejanus is undressing and we find out how he's been living those terrible months and all that makes him decide to go “murder” Coriolanus in the shower <3 (which by the way was a blatant reference to the murder scene in psychosis, which I did not only because it's a very iconic scene but because the murderer is dressed as his mother and there's something abt Coriolanus forcing Sejanus to fulfill a maternal role in his life in BE...)

I especially liked this part: The door is opened carefully, his steps are silent and slow, he tries to hide among the crying of the shower, until the curtain shows him a silhouette he knows well. One that he has adored madly, a blurred image that hides his reward, the fair price for what Sejanus has lost, what has been taken from him. He pulled back the curtain. Abrupt movement. The weapon felt heavy as he placed it against Coriolanus's chest, aiming straight for his heart, and Sejanus remembered for the first time in years that he was actually taller than Coriolanus.

LIKEEE Coriolanus IS SHORTER THAN SEJANUS IN HEIGHT, VERY SHORT I WOULD SAY, but he is so BIG in a way. The power he hold over Sejanus and their relationship is so immense that Sejanus feel small next to him even physically, that he has forgotten that HE IS TALLER!!! That's craaazy I liked too the final scene of the third chapter (and in general of the fic) were I talk abt the fusion of both in one monstrous being. (My favorite chapter) I really like the 3 chapters but I have a special relation with THE SECOND FUCKING CHAPTER, LIKE NOT GET ME WRONG I ADORE DO SECOND CHAPTER BUT IT TOO FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY, IT TOOK ME AN INSANE AMOUNT OF TIME MANAGED TO WRITE IT. Honestly I feel I lost for complete the control of that chapter 😭 it's SOMETHING ELSE UH . So I kind HATE IT WITH MY SOUL and LOVE IT AT THE SAME TIME. (Hardest scene to write) ALL THE SEX SCENES SKJHSKJHSJKHS Vicó was making fun of me bc this was "😰" my face everytime I remembered THE SMUT FIC NEED INDEED HAVE SMUT... I simply suck so bad to write smut yet Im doing it bc I think we need more bottom Sejanus in snowjanus tag (Favorite character to write in the fic)

💖 SEJANUS 💖

Look writing Coriolanus sometimes is fun but I WAS SICK OF THAT MAN, because an unwritten rule is that in our collabs series (Bad Ending & Laboratory Au) I usually do Coriolanus POV and vicó does Sejanus POV (the reason is because I love her sejanus pov and she for a reason I don't understand likes how I write coriolanus) it's not a real rule because when the time comes she has written coriolanus and I have written sejanus but by the time I was doing this fic, I had already spent a lot of time writing from Coriolanus' POV, SO I WAS TIRED OF HIM, besides even if always is tragic and depressive, I always enjoy getting into Sejanus' head in bad ending.

(Favorite dynamic to write in the fic) The whole fic is centered around Snowjanus so clearly them but I liked the small mention of Sejanus and Strabo's fucked up relationship I did (Why I chose that title) I suffer from the sickness called "all my fics have names of songs," I'm also an addicted to make playlist at the slightest provocation so OBVIOUSLY I MADE A PLAYLIST JUST FOR THIS FANFIC, and one of the first songs I put in it was: Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

So the tittle is taken from the first verse: You let me violate you You let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you You let me complicate you

There were many parts of that song that I wanted to use as a title but in the end I went for that one because of the meaning of desecrate.

desecrate verb to damage or show a lack of respect toward something holy or respected.

There's a recurrent topic in the fic of Sejanus trapped in the madonna-whore complex in Coriolanus's eyes (pure or corrupted), of Coriolanus saying he adore and love Sejanus but literal abusing him and never having any respect for him, and all the blaming Snow do to Sejanus FOR THE OWN DAMAGE HE DO TO HIM???????? It feel adequate in a way, all this Sejanus is holy, but he "let" Coriolanus to desecrate him. (A fun fact about the fic) It started as a joke… Me and vicó, we talked fthat from our perspective Coriolanus is yes a pathetic virgin but he sure had a thousand kinks, and would ask Sejanus for “strange” things in bed, and how Sejanus knows how to use a gun in canon,,,, yeah gun kink appear in the talk and we discuss about the difficulties of them using a gun because well Coriolanus is paranoid and blah blah blah.

How did I end up writing it seriously and on top of that dealing with such heavy topics like Coriolanus' power and murder fantasies, Sejanus then fantazing to murder his abuser and etc etc? WELL THAT WAS VICOS FAULT because she put at the beginning of "My boy only breaks his favorite toys,"a scene of Sejanus fantasizing about murdering Coriolanus and SOMETHING CHANGED IN MY HEAD. And somehow the gun is a great symbol of the power imbalance that exists in their relationship, and after I wrote District Whore for Bad Ending Universe, I lost fear to post terrible smut SO I WAS ALL "WHO'S GONNA STOP MEEEE??? WHO'S GONNA STOP MEEE???" and no one stop me indeed, and this how THAT FIC HAPPEN...

[superemeralds]

How do you tend to go about writing fanfiction? Like do you have a lot of outline or any other interesting things about your processed you could share?

my process is kinda all over the place, just like my brain haha. what i do to help myself not get lost in all that is having a strict rule where before i start writing teh actual prose, i need to have at least a bulletpoint outline of the major events that need to happen in the story. this helps me know what i'm working towards, instead of being lost and eventually paralyzed when I run out of ideas of how to proceed OR (and that happens way more often than having no ideas) i have TOO MANY ideas and i can't decide where to go.

for my black arms maria fic for example i had a rough outline that looked a little like this: (under cut for spoilers, click here if u want to read it first; warning for body horror and blood and gross things (tho very mild if im honest))

5 chapters, each about a stage of a star CH1: how maria gets to go on the ark, roots of her issues, basically where the seeds are sown for the inevitable explosion in the end, how the aliens come into play CH2: the introduction of shadow and the black arms DNA, maria's loathing, innocent little girl corruption arc, she pushes shadow away VS he is taken away and she wants him back, her mental state starts to crack CH3: how it came to the ark raid: maria hides her mutations, parallels to her relationship with shadow, her mental state corrupting with the mutaions, "bloody nose" by the used, black arms hivemind link: black doom talks to her, superiority inferiority complex: she plans to kill shadow CH4: her alone with her mutations, many years spent plotting, biolizard, how gerald is involved and how it fits into sa2 plot CH5: sa2 rewritten to fit the premise, lots of shadows perspective

(as u see i have mentioned a song; making a playlist also helps me a ton bc i vibe a lot to music and it inspires me a lot! It helps that i naturally always arrange playlists in chronological order of a story...)

after i have somehting like that i can start doing more detailed outlines. i dont have the ones for the early chapters anymore but this is what ch4 looked like (i use colored text to make it stand out next to written paragraphs that i will do right above the notes):

This chapter maria wakes up and realizes shes not dead.  shes in despair, trying to move but she CANT. at least not much. the stress knocking her out for a few months. she can at least crawl closer to the core reactor. spends 7 years just lying there and regenerating > when she finally can get up she frantically looks for info on the ark. and gerald and shadow (After a few months she finally managed to find a rhythm for physical activity in between studying notes and files, and heading to the dark chamber for a new lizard's tail. Her condition improved with more nutrition, but she did feel herself becoming unstable, nose bleeds increased.

[Maria gets visions of black arms as she mutates more and more] she trashes the place Her hivemind link is what makes her grow increasingly craving murder and total destruction. I mean she already does bc of finding out dirty dirty secrets about the ark it just increases to 9000)

(She starts growing a long tail and she despairs when she sees herself in the mirror, looking exactly as she saw in her vision years and years ago, turning into the monster she feared (She plots her ultimate plan. Understanding how the ark works, how chaos energy works. Finishing the eclipse canon. [Thinking about how to get shadow to do what she wants. Knowing he was in cryo shortly after his trauma it would be impossible to reason with him, not immediately at least. Not if it was her. Knowing she herself was deeply fueled by rage, hatred, disappointment and despair…. The same emotions would fuel shadow greatly. She saw what he was capable of, she knew what *she* was capable of. Geralds message would only need slight alterations since her own plans came pretty close (???) Some boffoon that shared their family name was wreaking havok on the planet, trying to turn it into metal. She had to admit it was a more noble plan of destruction than her own. (???) Maybe. Cut? When gerald is interogated by gun on the weapon he made bc they found it, he puts on a show, saying shadow is dangerous and needs to be contained. He is the only one who knows how to, before it is too late. This is how shadow ends up in cryo and why the password is maria. Why would gun use maria as password like cmon. Anyway this is also how he smuggled a small video into shadows pod where when he wakes up he will be introduced to the plan. During his execution he choses his last words carefully, leaving an encoded message for maria when she wakes up. Maria, at first, doesn't get the code. Shes just confused and spends a long while just learning more abt the ark. But ahe watches the video often just to have like. Company? She herself grows more and more angry with everything so when she notices the code and learns abt the plan. Shes on board. Sure. Lets fucking go. ] she studies the ark, she studies geralds notes on shadow, she studies all data on black arms she can get her hands on all while doing that she STILL gets that stupid dream. she still gets visions, especially when reading their language She makes her plans to kill the world. chapter ends with her sending eggman an encoded message that he won’t be able to resist cracking

as u can tell not all of it made it into the chapter but that was just me thinking "aloud" about all the stuff that had to do w the chapters main premise. the original outline was short and vague enough to give me freedom to think but constricted enough to not let me wander off into making up completely random new stuff!

idk if this helps, but this is how i write nowadays and it works well for me :] im finally finishing things instead of abandoning them!