#one is boyfriend and irl husband ya know?

[broodygaming]

I just, like guys, guyguysguysguys, yoooo -

there's gonna be a point where Marisha is gonna look around the table and be like "oh my wife, oh my girlfriend! ohh and my boyfriend, oh yeah my literal husband ohh my friends" and ???

[icanttalkimhavingacrisis]

Introduction Post!!!

hi!! lovely to see you - won't you stay awhile?

the basics:

name: Joy, short for Jonathan

age: 17, going on 18! (wish me a happy birthday on 14 october :3)

pronouns: he/she/they

orientation: omnisexual, polyamory

gender identity: genderfluid and pangender!!

timezone: CET (GMT +1)

my tops:

musicians: Twenty One Pilots, Måneskin, Hozier, George Michael, Wham!, Bastille, P!ATD, Tally Hall, My Chemical Romance, The Oh Hellos, The Amazing Devil, Lemon Demon, Kwiat Jabłoni

songs: Lavish, Bourgeoisieses, This is Love, ANARCONNASSE, Too Sweet, Sunlight, Midwest Indigo, Routines in the Night, l'altra dimensione, tous les memes

fandoms: marauders era, the lunar chronicles, the good place, grishaverse (haven't read king of scars yet tho), the cruel prince, some musicals (mainly Hamilton), DDLC, FNAF (I haven't played the games but I do really like the lore and songs), WTNV, AGGGTM, TØP lore

books: the cruel prince trilogy, red white and royal blue, they both die at the end, aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe, the midnight library, six of crows duology, 1984, animal farm

shows/films: the good place, loki, moon knight, the umbrella academy, heartstopper, hazbin hotel, legally blonde, tick, tick, boom!, hamilton, howl's moving castle

Hobbies: writing, reading, cello, painting, writing my own songs, D&D

miscellaneous:

I'm a band kid, I write songs and plays and stories and books ^^

I finished writing a book recently!! You can read it on AO3 here. Let me know if you want a pdf or epub version, I'd be happy to share!!

hogwarts house: hufflepuff

grisha order: durast

godly parent: Apollo

divergent faction: amity (born candor)

hunger games district: probably eleven

I'm obsessed with Welcome to Night Vale (mountains are fake y'all, they were made up by the government)(although I haven't listened to a lot of it...)(Still love it tho ^^)

I'm absolutely a yapper, and love meeting new people, so feel absolutely free to dm me if you wanna chat!! <3

please consider using tone tags, I dumb as all heck

I have two younger siblings!! A brother and a sister :>

my people:

@andytheoverthinker - husband, partner, beloved boyfriend <3

@evee-refuses-to-die - squirrel extraordinaire, sweetest lil' insomniac

@lyionly - genuinely the most talented artist I know, best bio partner

@bjcf23 - favourite cousin ever <33

@astroocti - my drummer friend :D

mutuals: @erraticprocrastinator-alt @jess-of-all-trades @finnslay @moonysfavoritetoast @cazzythefrogking @chatter-crow @def-not-kaz-brekker @chaosgremlinlivinginyourwalls @waitingonadeathgodtocallmeback @saivamp @lemon-cosmoscollection @gay-for-zoya @agenaroace-a-fucking-disgrace @finleyforevermore @kaithe-enby404 @currently-becoming-potatoes @catinasink @vintagetee13 @clodoveah @ghost-of-a-poet @viago-vamps @ddlcbrainrot @pan-anarcho @gremleyn @discoveredreality @blue-bell-icecream @xrinnihil @artemisiamezzanotte @drifter-gaming @stqrgirl3 @my-castles-crumbling @winters-rose-daughterofcain @elliots1stshadow @daydream-of-a-wallflower @razz-is-queer @blood-slushy @starcrossedmoony @celestialserenity24 @justafanbutcurious @37x3

WAHHHH I LOVE YOU ALL!!! MANY HUGS AND KISSES FROM MOI <333

final section!! my bullshit:

#jonny writes stuff - my writing

#joy has thoughts - I say stuff

#joy on fandoms - anything fandom related

#joy on volleyball - I rant about volleyball I guess?

#joy has a strange mum - about my mother (sometimes I rant, idk what to tell ya--)

#joy on music - anything music related

#joy has friends - about my irls <3

#joy is gay for andy - about my beloved bf

#joy gets asks - I respond to asks!! May take me a while tho-

@joywritesbutitsactuallymystories - sideblog where I repost my writing

@prongsiedadeerest - my James Potter rp sideblog

my poems

my novel

my carrd for further contact info!!:

ok lovelies, that's it!! thank you for being here <3

[queercomesthesun]

hi soph, i saw some of your posts about boyfriend material and I’m about halfway through now, it’s SO GOOD!!! i haven’t read a book in a long time (like… years) and i wanted to get back into reading and didn’t know where to start so im really glad i saw you mention this one :) id love to hear if you have any other recs :))

omg thanks Allie!! so happy to share my fave book!!! also did you know there's a sequel coming out at the start of August?? it's called Husband material 😉 Here's some recs, (all queer I don't read anything else)

I recently read a newer book by the same author of boyfriend material, called Something Fabulous, its about a Duke chasing down his runaway fiance and accidentally falling for her brother. its ridiculous, and hilarious and literally everyone in it is queer. More explicit than any of the others on this list, not fade to black.

You've probably either seen or been recommended Red White and Royal blue by Casye McQuiston, it really is hilarious and really easy to read. First son of the United States having an affair with the Prince of England. Scandal ensues. V romantic, funny and sweet. also trump doesn't exist in this universe which is nice.

by the same author as RWRB you have One Last Stop, a bi girl moves into a (very queer) flat and starts a new life in new york only to fall for a girl who can't leave the subway. the friendship group and found family in this one has my heart. there's time travel hijinks, drag queens, and a lot of pancakes. really good trans (ftm) rep too.

if you want something more serious, All that's left in the World by Eric J Brown is a post apocalyptic story of two survivors, travelling together, and looking for hope in a broken world. Very slow burn, very complicated and dark, but oddly hopeful considering. This one's YA, they're teenagers.

Happy reading!! let me know what you think if you give any of them a try (also I haven't managed to convince any irl friends to read boyfriend material so when the sequel comes out prepare for me to be squealing in your inbox) xxx

[imaginethebeautifulworld]

Hi this might be a weird ask and you can ignore it. I was just wondering where you get inspiration? You write these relationships so well, and I was wondering if maybe there was someone in real life who inspired them? This is weird I'm sorry you can ignore it 😣

That does feel like a bit of a weird ask, but ya know what Lovely?

First of all, thank you so much! I actually stress a lot about how I portray relationships, striving to do my best to capture how different traits and emotions may come into play at conflicting moments, or how even in the presence of those conflicts, the characters are familiar enough with one another to work around them.

But uh, I have to admit that I don't actually have much "In Real Life" inspiration for them. ^_^;

I am perpetually single- by choice! I've dated guys, gals, nonbinary pals, but it's really not for me? Fully aroace here (possibly agender, too?), and content with my Independent Spirit~

Sometimes, I will admit, I've stolen inspiration from IRL interactions, but less with my romantic partners and more from casually observing the moments between my loved ones. Watching my sister and her best friend of 10 years finally fall into love with one another, the stories my cousin-to-be tells me about the loves lost before he found my cousin, the softness between my college roommate and her boyfriend of ages, the way my cousin and his husband have faced all kinds of barriers together, and yet still see each other as the center of each others' universes, and now their son serving as their gravity.

Love is beautiful and complex, and I think my views on relationships play a huge part in how I write/visualize it. We should be able to share intimacy with all of our loved ones, to varying degrees (I personally love hugging folks, often leave affectionate kisses atop people's heads (especially my nieces and nephews)). Love is helping my mom massage pain relief cream into her aching knees, crashing in the same bed as my childhood best friend because we were up till 3 am rambling about everything and nothing, waking up in a mess of limbs and laughing because we're such disasters.

Getting back to your question, luv- I don't really write most of my stuff with anyone in particular serving as inspiration. There are little bits and pieces of all the people I've loved in my words, some of the turns of phrase or the little tics theirs alone. I want to immortalize them in some small way, especially if our stories were meant to only share one or two chapters. It's my own way of showing love, a quiet way of preserving the little things that I've come to love about them so much.

So no- No secret lovers or forbidden trysts for this writer. Just a lot of people watching, an unfortunate amount of Main Character Moments, a little bit of yearning, and a subtle desire to preserve my loved ones in a quiet way.

Thanks for the ask, Lovely! I hope this answered your question? ^_^;

[hellreads]

Hi! Can you suggest some good immersive fics that will make me feel all the feels? Even better if they're series! Thank you I love your blog!!

hi there sweetie, thank you for loving this blog, lemme love you too!💕💖✨ hmm this is tricky, to ask me of all people for immersive fic recommendations because I always immerse (to me reading something I enjoy and immersing in it makes me feel like I’m an actress playing the part so whatever genre it is watch me get into it 100%) but I’ll try and make a list of fics one per member, where I immersed myself through and through (shit this is harder than I thought, btw WII stands for why I immersed lol ~ list under the cut) 😅 | 🍒

➴ Kim Namjoon❥ Let the Villain Win by @lemonjoonah​➴ Author/Yandere!AU | Author!Namjoon x Agent!Reader | One-Shot➴ Kim Namjoon, famous author and your childhood friend has been keeping a secret from you. His new book treads on such dark themes that he’s finding it difficult to write. Excited by the prospect of a sinister plot you offer him a piece of advice, “Let the villain win…”➴ WII: I love Misery by Stephen King plus its movie adaption and LTVW gave me reverse Misery vibes, I know most people wouldn’t want to put themselves or immerse into stories like this but the adrenaline rush of being in MC’s shoes? delicious, I felt like as soon as Namjoon’s plan came to fruition my body astral projected to see him in all his yandere glory.

➴ Kim Seokjin❥ In the Bleak Midwinter by @pcyheartgirlx​➴ Idol/Prostitution!AU | Idol!Seokjin x CEO!Reader x Idol!Chanyeol | Series➴ We’re all whores, we just sell different parts of ourselves.You own a multi-billion dollar company, servicing the biggest names in kpop, in more ways than one. Under the name “Starlight Catering”, you, your best friends, Damon and Maya, and your hundreds of workers provide stress relief for idols.You have partially retired, not because you didn’t want to, but because Chanyeol was your muse. He was all that you had time for and all you needed. Until Jin came along.So what happens when you mix fire and ice?You get smoke and all the lines are blurred.➴ WII: tbh starting this fic I never really knew what I was getting into, all I saw was Kim Seokjin and I was sold, I was never a Park Chanyeol stan before reading this but I ended up being one, there’s a lot going on in this series but to immerse and be in a love triangle between the two men and feel the push and pull plus intense passionate emotions they’re willing to shower you with will tear you apart, but don’t worry there are two doors at the end of the story you get to choose between Jin or Chanyeol. 

➴ Min Yoongi❥ Dead Leaves by wrienne➴ Detective/Infidelity!AU | Detective Inspector!Yoongi x Homicide Detective!Reader x Teacher!Jimin | Series➴ In which you (reader) are a homicide detective about to face the biggest hurdle both of your career and life.Married to probably the kindest but most boring man you’ve ever met and living in a town where nothing ever seems to happen means life for you is dull. Dull enough to drive you crazy with boredom and dissatisfaction. However, life changes abruptly when your old boss retires and a new man takes his place - a man you used to love (and sleep very regularly with) more than a decade ago. Especially when your husband comes home smelling of perfume, you’re unable to resist your more carnal urges and dead women start showing up across the city with unnerving frequency.➴ WII: I have always had a thing for working in forensics, profiling people, investigating crime scenes, and basically any investigator/detective/analyst work and this story right here helped me get that feel because there are actual cases they work on here with vivid descriptions to help that wild imagination of yours *wink* + the whole infidelity affair is a mystery you’ll have to use your deduction skills.

➴ Jung Hoseok❥ Bad Guy by @sweetbunnykook​➴ Mob/Infidelity!AU | Mob Boss!Jin x Wife!Reader x Mob!Yoongi x Mob!Hoseok | Series➴ After a brutal attack in Hong Kong, your marriage with Kim Seokjin cracks as secrets begin to surface and a series of betrayals find their way into the veins of the Hidden Tigers. Although Jin’s devotion endures, in his own definition, the reality of being a mob wife may be too much for you to bear.➴ WII: this will put you in a rollercoaster ride of emotions there are actually three members here that will make things quite hard for you, but I have to say BG Hoseok is definitely one of my favorite characterizations of him, though there will be a push and pull of emotions once you get further into the story.. also, you’ll have to go through so much because immersing in this one will hurt a lot to the point where your heart is almost numbed.

➴ Park Jimin❥ Neighbors by @jkeuphoriadreamland​➴ Neighbor/Stalker!AU | Stalker!Jimin x Neighbor!Reader | Series➴ Finally achieving your successes in life you never expected the distraction that came with your new hot neighbor. He, however, had been trying to get your attention for a much different reason.➴ WII: hey it’s ya girl danger lover (my tag line lol), seriously immersing in this one will kinda make you wonder about MC and her choices as if Jimin cast a spell on her, there is this psychological manipulation he uses on her and it will drive you to madness because you will still bend to him and find him irresistible + the kinks here = wildt.

➴ Kim Taehyung❥ Clandestine by @ditzymax​➴ Assassin!AU | Assassin!Taehyung x Assassin!Kinsoo x BF!Jungkook | Series➴ As a professional assassin, Kim Kinsoo has many shrouded secrets in her life. Some of them she shares openly with her loving boyfriend, but there are other things he must never know➴ WII: now I know you’re probably wondering if it’s possible to immerse in fics with named OC? as I said I’m an actress who plays the part when reading and to immerse into the enigma that is Kinsoo is a wonderful experience, this belongs to the list of the intense fics I immersed into and if you’re the type to go all out when immersing no matter what genre or theme (taboo) the story contains you’ll enjoy the intensity of this one because you get everyone’s POV as you go through making you understand each character better and there is actual assassin work here if you enjoy the stealth way, you’ll appreciate Taehyung and Kinsoo’s work and the people that work for them.

➴ Jeon Jungkook (I’ll list five why not? I have read way too many JJK fics lol)❥ Right of Way by fringesofsanity➴ Infidelity!AU | Cheater!Jungkook x Cheater/GF!Reader x BF!Jimin | Series➴ In theory, things were simple: your best friend was Jungkook’s girlfriend while your boyfriend, Jimin, was Jungkook’s best friend. In reality, things weren’t always that simple. And mutually exclusive.➴ WII: if there’s one story I will never shut up about? it’s this one, I always recommend this to friends, this is the perfect depiction of having a taste of your own medicine in fic form, immersing in this one will make you fall for Jungkook and hope for your own ending, but this won’t sugarcoat anything for you and that’s what I love about this story, but tbh I still think of my own ending every single night. sighhhhh.

❥ When You Least Expect It by @johobi​➴ F2L!AU | BFF!Taehyung x BFF/GF!Reader x BF!Jungkook | Series➴ You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation.➴ WII: okay, me putting this under the list for Jungkook must expose which side I’m on but that’s not the reason why this is under his name, it’s here because I love his WYLEI characterization so much and if you’ve been reading this series too, you’re probably head over heels in love with the boy too? and immersing in this, feeling all the ways he changed MC’s life and the way he loves her? stop it i’m crying right now. T_T

❥ Only You by @sweetbunnykook​➴ Stalker/Lovers!AU | Stalker/BF!Jungkook x Noona/GF!Reader x Ex-Fiance!Namjoon x BFF!Seokjin | Series➴ Jeon Jungkook, your wedding photographer, helps you escape on your big day upon learning about a secret your groom-to-be kept hidden. You soon fall for this young, passionate photographer. However, you underestimated just how much he was willing to reciprocate that love. Maybe, you think, he’s loving you just a little too much.➴ WII: ahhhh to be Jungkook’s Noona, I love immersing in this because there’s so much intense passion here, and if you allow yourself to fall into the role you will understand the statement that Love is Blind that people will overlook anything their lover is involved in because so what if they did this or that? they only have hearts in their eyes, the manipulation here might get to you irl, like wow, seriously this was so brilliantly written, how can you not love Jungkook and give him everything right?  

❥ DNA by @btssavedmylifeblr​➴ Dystopian/Breeding!AU | Stud!Jungkook x Cow!Reader | Series➴ Jungkook’s career is in jeopardy when he begins falling for a woman he’s supposed to impregnate.➴ WII: the futuristic feels? amazing description and details? unique universe? if you’re up for those things this is one amazing read you should be immersing yourself into, I’m so in love with the way this was written, Bee and her galaxy mind will challenge you into painting all of her words in your head and you’ll have an advanced futuristic universe where babies are manufactured and modified to your liking but if you mix feelings into the process and what do you get? ugh, this is just brilliant!

❥ The Fitting by @noona-la-la-la​➴ Idol!AU | Idol!Jungkook x Stylist/Noona!Reader | Series➴ The younger Jungkook has a workplace crush on you, but you let the flattery get to you and make a proposition you can’t take back.➴ WII: who can ever say no to idol!jungkook? prepare to immerse into this tension-filled romance with Jungkook, laced with complications of keeping a secret “relationship“, so this is what happens when fire meets ice at work, and this being an idol!au will give you a glimpse of how they probably keep their affairs hidden from everyone and it can be stressful, full of jealousy, and fights.

➴ OT7 ❥ Void by @btssavedmylifeblr​➴ Space!AU | Space Crew!OT7 x Space Crew!Reader | Series➴ You are the only female crew member on a 12-year space mission with seven handsome men. The sexual tension is real, y’all.➴ WII: BEST.OT7.FIC.EVER. so why not immerse yourself and be the only girl in their universe right? this has so much sexual tension since they only have you sis, but it’s fun to get all the attention tho there will be stressful and trying times, the boys will compensate *wink*wink* 

❥ A Hundred Percent Human by wrienne➴ Hybrid/Host-Club!AU | Hybrid!OT7 x Human/Owner!Reader | Series➴ In which you (reader) are forced to take care of seven hybrids in a twist of fate.After your estranged mother passes away, you’re left with an unwanted will and the heavy burden of responsibility. Although you’re desperate not to stray from the familiar path you thought was laid out in front of you with a fully human boyfriend who loves you more than anything, your life is thrown upside down once more after another unfortunate incident (that may or may not have to do with said boyfriend) occurs.Drunk and down on life, you finally decide to deal with the house and the unsavory business your mother left behind. However, to your shock, you find that seven very different hybrids are included with both the house - and the business. Seven hybrids you never even met before - even less agreed to take care of.Set in the not too distant future where infertility has become mankind’s greatest issue. Will contain sexual content.➴ WII: what’s an ot7 fic without tension? majority of the boys are dog hybrids with certain classes and MC has no fucking clue how to deal with hybrids let alone seven of them with two of them being special classes/cases, this will be a little slow-paced as the story starts more on their background/history as hybrids and they’re still getting comfy with one another, which I think is a great way to pull readers in and grow attached to the hybrids.

❥ Moth to Flame by @bang-to-the-tan➴ Vampire!AU | Vampire!OT7 x Human!Reader | Series➴ Robbed of your memories and intended as a birthday present for a deadly creature of the night, you unwittingly become the center of a territorial dispute between two covens of vampires. Tensions are rising and the brothers are getting hungry.➴ WII: how can we pass up on vampire!ot7? this is a brilliant story that will have the same haze effect on you as the reader, I immersed hardcore on this one and I’m like who am I? it’s weird when you get affected and get all the phantom feels from reading alone you know? and this will affect you so much I swear to god it’s you literally transported and astral projected into this universe and it’s so pleasing but also frightening to be in the middle of two covens.

❥ Physcom by @teawithkpop➴ Dystopian/Sex Worker!AU | Idol!OT7 x Physical Companion!Reader | Series➴ AU where live-in Physical Companions are provided to k-pop groups so the members can relieve their sexual related stress and tension - around their busy schedules, of course. You are one such “PhysCom”. However, complications arise when the BTS members start harboring romantic feelings for you. Feelings you’re not sure you can reject with any believable amount of conviction. Such a scandal could result in getting both you and them fired and exposed, ruining any future career options for all parties involved… it turns out the “com” in PhysCom might as well stand for complications.➴ WII: this has an interesting take on being Bangtan’s “companion” and to immerse into this one and watching everyone catch feelings and defy the rules for a chance at romance will overwhelm you, you a mere “companion” now the object of their affection and they’re willing to do anything and everything for you even if it means risking it all. 

p.s. I suggest you go through my FICSHELF to view all of the stories I ever read so you get to choose the exact story you want to read, the shelf contains story links (Tumblr and ao3 if any) with summary, warnings, and more info about the fic (character role, genre, au, word count). 

[kae-karo]

lmao so i thought someone asked for an analysis of the gwf vid like i could’ve sworn i had that ask so y’all just have to deal with me posting it anyway here ya go lads golf gone sexual™: the final edition

the fucking. the pirate outfits. the. i’m. i don’t. i can’t. (x) ‘left over from somewhere’

fucking phil ‘u lost ur stick last time i think’ yeah phil sure yeah sure okay buddy

‘choke me daddy festive edition’ @ dan pls stop

what cuties i love them just not actually knowing what they’re doing and messing it up and these awkward long pauses before they burst into a fit of giggles i love them

why did they even bring up the ‘winter update’ like it had no relevance??

crinkly boye

don’t worry i can host dan what are u even on about

phil out here coming up with a great vid name (yo ho ho) and they went with battle for the booty smh that says everything u ever need to know abt dnp

wow even in this year of 2018 we got yet another ur mum joke (and phil’s right we do love kath)

@ dan pls stop ur bf from making weird hand gestures okay that’s,,,,,it’s unnecessary

hi they cute

‘u absolute twit nipple’ how on earth does that still sound so fond what the fuck

and another ur mum joke wow i just,,,,wow

the way dan says ‘oh my god that was good’ like. he never sounds like that??? it’s a good sound he should sound like it more often idk it’s like soft and genuine in a sort of ‘wow i did okay??’ kinda cute surprised way??

‘stop talking about how close this is’ dan,,,,,,really u thought that was bad??? really??? really?????

phil’s deep-voiced yarr and dan’s literal only reaction being that he should’ve made a pun out of it leads me to believe philip does that deep voice often enough that dan is entirely unfazed and idk how i feel abt that

‘just bounced off the rim that’s how i like to play it, don’t go in, just bounce off it’ that cheeky fuckin smile daniel please can u not

lmao the pirate outfit is unlucky hm

hi i love dan’s lil trying-not-to-smile-but-just-about-to-smile smile when he’s staring at phil it makes me happy

how did they spend ten minutes (okay ten full seconds) trying to figure out the name of the wheel

dan: makes f/phat booty pun, phil: ‘they’re just filled with ass they’re not even coins’

same dan

important content

ik everyone’s said it by now but dan’s choice of adjective was great and i’m here for it (’gaily jumping off the ship’)

dan’s lil smile when phil’s ‘gaily adjusting his stance’

dimply boye

how does phil just blatantly ignore ‘phil’s edging us guys’ like idk i mean i hyperfocus too but like damn they really must just talk about that kind of stuff on a regular basis bc u don’t just tune that out y’know

phil’s distracted ‘that is so much ass’

‘yarrs’ carries the same energy as when dan made the ‘ain’t no gravy up in this kitch’ joke in the bunny biscuits vid and stared at phil and waited for his joke to be acknowledged

my kink is dan looking hilariously fond abt phil making bad sex-related comments (’it’s a strap-on’)

hey phil u know if u swear in another language it’s still swearing right?

did dan just absolutely commit to the harder flag?? without saying anything abt it? even though he lost?

phil just. out here. purposely almost-swearing. we stan

ik i saw this joke elsewhere but phil ur literally staring at a posh pirate mmkay b

i just wanna know what was going through dan’s head with ‘oingo boingo i’m a dick’ bc like. u okay there b??

ye dan we know ur geometry skills are quite lacking but glad the whole reference thing just keeps on coming up

‘they’re gonna do an exam about me and everyone’s gonna get an A star’ i mean that’s living in the phandom isn’t it? We all aspire to be phil trash, even though only One can hold the ultimate title

okay like take five seconds and take a step back they’re literally just playing golf i love how stupidly competitive they get it’s adorable

‘oh dear’ makin a comeback

plankspank.com why are they like this (at least phil didn’t buy the domain this time)

danny u have picked up ur husband’s habit of making a cawing noise whenever u get a birdie

why does he do this

physically in pain

fucking hell dan why do u have to make this so goddamn sexual i didn’t ask for this i didn’t want u talkin bout how it was a slow one and u put it in and jfc look i read phanfiction for a reason i don’t actually wanna know what ur sex life is like okay

britney spears references wow is it 2010 again or is that just all the foreplay golf,,,,,play,,,,,

dan,,,,,,,,

re: the tentacle: ‘that is gonna be right,,,,somewhere’ dan we got it u did not have to add ‘right in the poop deck’ and ur fucking noise okay we did Not need that

i lied earlier my kink is dan saying he cannot believe smth

this is just becoming a masterpost of all the weird faces dan makes

‘it’s part of the loser station for idiots who get everything wrong’ ???? dan help i can’t tell are u a seven y.o child who makes up mean insults when u lose or a twenty-seven year old adult who makes sex jokes n innuendos bc this vid is giving me mixed vibes

🎶🎶there she goes, there she goes again🎶🎶

awwwww matching nerds

dan n his fuckin squeaky i’m-making-fun-of-u voice

‘some people are just skilled booty raiders’ #dantops2k18

Important Dan Fact™ if u can see his lil corner of his mouth u can bet u could see his dimple on the other side and i’m suing bc we can’t see it

why did it take them like 3 tries to figure out they had to time it with the cannons i mean it’s like they’ve never played a vid game in their lives

bite it danny boy u know u want to u also know if it were the other way round phil would’ve bitten at dan’s finger

more dan face

phil absolutely going off topic with ‘sometimes i want to explore with fashion’ and dan’s immediate ‘oh do u now phil lmao’

‘so many textures out there’ he cute

i mean dan cute too but phil cute for sayin it

we stan boyfriends with literally the same brain whining abt lazy rivers and rude kids

hi sorry i just love watching phil when dan’s talking bc he pays so much attention like he used to not do that (back in the day) but like he just really turns and focuses on dan now and it makes me happy

i know we all adore dan’s ‘shut up’ but it always gives me life hearing phil tell dan to shut up

fond daniel

also phil’s super cute soft natural voice when he’s talking about how he keeps saying ‘watch this’

has phil ever gotten this frustrated with gwf lmao

‘bollocks’ as if that’s a thing they say

just kiss him phil goddamn i mean u wanna win right what better way to throw him off his game

why did maximum yeet have to become a thing i s2g

‘why am i helping’ bc u have absolutely no willpower and u want phil to be happy bc it makes u happy that’s why

why,,,,,,,why does everything satisfying have to be sexual phil, why. just. why. and then? golf gone sexual? as if that’s not a better title for the goddamn vid than ‘battle for the booty’ at least it’s accurate??? ‘battle for the booty’ i expect them dueling irl over who gets to top next or some shit that is why u call a vid ‘battle for the booty’

dan,,,,,,pls let ur bf make the weird noises okay

hi sorry what the Fuck is this

is that meant to be a monkey or some shit like what???????

that is a skeleton pirate thing what the hell

why does he have such a long face

idk they cute when they look at each other like they're like having a serious convo even tho they aren’t (although i wouldn’t be shocked if making puns is an important point of communication between them)

also fun fact i heard phil saying ‘jewel’ for the first like five times instead of duel

phil, realizing he’s said something he shouldn’t have

a cute

hi once again i love them

phil doing his face covering thing why does he always look at least 3x cuter when he’s doing it whilst staring at dan

‘i got the octopus, he’s gonna marry me, we’re gonna have tentacle hooked babies with parrots on the crib’

same dan same

and then he turns around n says ‘spank me with a plank and call me poopy susan’ wtf is wrong with them

‘u love a good tentacle don’t u’ show me where i asked

dan, actually considering how that would feel with all the tentacles:

how did they go from phil saying ‘you love a good tentacle’ to saying ‘(you/we) should get some of those’ to dan saying ‘no, you shouldn’t’ like uhm. wot

this

[auspicioustarantula]

Newsies headcannons but it's actually just how our cast interacts. (Is this funny?? Prolly not but I think it'd be)

girl i have never been more excited to answer an ask in my whole life??? im gonna start off with basic hcs and then get more into interactions and stuff 

› jack: probably the sweetest guy alive honestly. jack gives really good advice but is also super goofy. he’s the moderator of the group chat and Will Not Hesitate to kick someone out. he’s really awesome to go to for support when you need it. he’s also really mature & is adept at getting other people around him to listen to him. his favorite line is “the woild is ya erster” it makes him laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME

�� davey: (sorry lmao i had to) mom friend irl? i keep everyone together and basically make sure no one goes insane. i get sensory overload a LOT during rehearsal when all of the littles are running around but i deal. i am pretty sensitive and quiet most of the time but i also take a lot of leadership positions and keep everyone in line. nap kween

› crutchie: serious but also THE FUNNIEST girl i have ever met in my entire life. she stays in her lane but somehow knows all of the tea. has never missed a line before. gosh i love her so much she keeps me sane

› katherine: the sweetest gal?? ever?? she’s our mom and send the snapchat group pictures of her drinking wine and also her boyfriend i love her she’s amazing. she’s also really good at giving advice and always seems to have practical solutions for any problem at hand. 

› les: a hot mess. doesn’t know where he’s supposed to be ever. always confused. always lost. hyperactive as HELL he does not stop moving basically every hc i have ever had about les

› romeo: the funniest child on the planet but also really clumsy and he has the best eyelashes, this 1–year-old is prettier than me

› tommy: this woman. this grown adult woman is small enough to be a newsie and she KICKS ASS. she above all the others gives the absolute best advice in the entire world. she sends us pictures of her dog and also her husband on the daily. she’s so calm and focused all the time and also an AWESOME dancer like can i be her when i grow up please and thanks

› albert: also a hot mess but like in a good way. has gotten kicked out of the group chat no less than five times. literally the worst puns in the entire world. lov u al but ur always in the way of javid, get Out Of Here 

› sniper: hands down the best dancer in out cast. stans the yodel boy so much. moved from delaware but she’s fitting right in with the rest of these dumbasses. she’s so tall i love her so much

› morris: big….stronk gorl………best eyelashes…..lov her

› spot: I LOVE THIS GAL she’s so sweet and funny and the opposite of everything spot is sorry. she’s awesome i have no words

› oscar: (did you really think u could get out of here unmentioned) um, the sweetest girl in the entire world. yall. this girl baked me a mug cake within three days of me telling her that i didn’t have a microwave and also gave me her jacket to cover up the day that i forgot to wear a bra. i love u so much you take care of me!!!!!

› during banner:

     » crutchie: i don’t need the limp to sell papes! i got personality!

     » jack, to pierce (oscar): since when?

› while taking a break from a scene

     » me, to jack: hey, i love you

     » les: but that’s. . …. . …. …gay

     » les: shrugs and walks away

› me & jack’s group chat names are davey kelly-jacobs and jack kelly-jacobs (jelly bean kelly)

     » “davey you better be the most jealous boyfriend ever when jack and katherine kiss or i’m suing”

› albert in the group chat has been banned from saying more than three puns a day or we kick her out 

     » “and the strike starts right damn MEOW”

› one time jack forgot the bribe money and we had to go onstage for the office scene so he grabbed a packet of gummies, shoved it in his back pocket, and slammed it down on the table on “it came with a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE”

     » “don’t flip your hair like that henry, it looks too gay for a newsie”

› javid is canon!!!!! we hold hands at least two times during the show & also jack gives me piggy back rides all the time

› ralbert is also canon it’s pretty cute

     » race: the woild is ya erster!

     » newsies: ????

     » davey and katherine: thumbs up

this is all im going to do for now but you guys. you G U Y S. i have never felt so much love for a cast than i have for this one everyone is so beautiful and kind and generous and SLKDJFLS i love them so much

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N} The Reality Is...

I’m surprised at myself for coming to talk about this, but it’s been tumbling around in my head all day and I figured...I might as well.

I disabled my OkCupid profile today. Not deactivated, all I’ll have to do is log back in and it’ll reactivate. But I just...I don’t know. It sounds dramatic to say I’ve given up, but today felt pretty final, for me. I mean I’m 30, so anything is possible and I’m not resigning myself to...what I’ve always said--

That I’ll wind up alone.

It’s ironic. I’m a really loving, affectionate person but I’ve never really been able to express that. My most serious relationship was with a person in a different country. I’ve been single for seven years, and while I knew putting myself back out there wouldn’t be easy...I’m trying to find another way to say “I think there’s something wrong with me,” because it sounds so depressing and down on myself and I’m really not. I think my personality’s pretty swell and I know how to take care of someone so I know I’m good in relationships, especially now that I’ve been through some shit and grown and know myself really well. No, what I mean is...there might actually be something wrong with me.

The reason I disabled my profile is because of this reason. I’ve been on OkCupid for a year and a half? And I’ve met a lot of women and tried on a few for a while, but the same thing always happens--they don’t interest me. I find myself mindlessly answering them so they’ll...shut up and stop talking. There’s something wrong when I’m annoyed by seeing I have a notification, lol. Shouldn’t you be excited to hear from someone? Especially a potential partner? But I never am. And I mean...ever. And I know it’s not a new thing, because it even happened with Lyn. It took her a month of doggedly trying to get my attention before I really stopped to talk to her and give her the time of day.

Real people just do not do it for me, lmao. I’ve been ruined by fantasy. I see a fictional character and I turn into--

Men, women, a monstrosity with no discernible gender or features? Doesn’t matter, I’m game.

But real life, something else entirely happens to me and I can’t explain it. I’ve always been extremely hard for people to get close to and it is not for their lack of trying.

I hate to say this because it sounds so full of myself but I have a really easy time with women. Whether it’s my height or what, but women’s attention actually comes really easy to me. I don’t go looking for likes on OkCupid, but I’ve got hundreds of them from women liking me and initiating conversations with me. I’ve got a dating pool, the problem is I am interested in none of them. They try and message me, talk to me, text me, and the same thing happens! Every time! I wind up ghosting them or leaving them on read because I’m annoyed by the conversation or so bored I can’t keep it up anymore.

This last month or so I’ve really just gotten tired of trying this whole thing out. With me moving, I figured this would just be a “run out the clock” situation and I’d just chitchat with the women who message me and when I get to AZ I’d start really trying to date. But I just...dude. This one girl, Amber--there was nothing wrong with her. I mean, zero attraction on my end, she was very average and did nothing for me but I was fine to chat with her--but she started double, triple, quadruple messaging me without getting a response from me inbetween and for as clingy as I can be, if someone tries that shit with me and I’m not interested that amps my annoyance up to a 10 right away. Don’t cling to me if I’m not interested, I will palm your entire face and just...squeeze. And she was hitting on me and I was not at all into it but I’m...nice, so I try not to be rude about it, I thanked her for the compliments and I admit, I fake stuff a lot. I had a girl get after me about it last year, when I tried giving her a chance so I faked a lot of my responses to try and get over my initial disinterest in...literally everyone and she got mad at me about it. And maybe it is fucked up, idk. I just, it feels rude to not reciprocate it, I’d be embarrassed if it was me so I try and be nice. Besides, it’s not anyone else’s fault I’m like this.

And I really can’t explain it. I just, girls jump into messaging me and it’s immediately all, “hey sexy ;)” and tf am I supposed to say to that? I don’t know you, even if you are hot I don’t jump into shit that fast. I just don’t. It takes time to get me to open my shell and until I do there’s not going to be any genuine interest from me. There just isn’t. And I realized very early on if I don’t fake some shit I’ll never get close enough to someone to find out if there’s something there. Lyn was a perfect example. I fell for her hard as fuck but it took me about two months--if I hadn’t faked reciprocating initially it never would have happened. And while she was a mistake...I just don’t know what to do with myself. I literally never feel genuine interest in people. Monica was the last person I openly pursued because I had a genuine interest to want to get to know her and be close to her. I haven’t felt that in 11 fucking years.

So I don’t think it’s entirely wrong to say something IS wrong with me. Normal people don’t have this issue. I see people falling in love and developing crushes at the snap of a finger. I just...don’t. Can’t? Idfk. There’s something about fantasy and how it slips beneath my shell because it’s safe and I know it’s okay because it’s perfect. Reality is a different story.

There were a couple other girls this past month who really...worked my nerves. Angela was one, this polyamory married bisexual with a boyfriend AND a husband, and typically I don’t engage with poly folks on the app. I’m not into poly IRL, too jealous/possessive/insecure for that but she messaged me and seemed pretty chill and like she just wanted to be friends so I started talking to her. Found out pretty fast she was interested in more and probably because I’m tall so she’s thinking she’ll add a butch to her collection of dudes. Which...was never going to happen. She was pushy, too, which I heavily dislike. I don’t give my number out very often, mostly because I like to ghost on people and it’s easier to do on the app than if someone has my number, but she kept asking and asking (despite me explaining it takes me time to give that out) and finally, a little before my birthday, she messaged me all, “Are you ever going to give me your number?”

I was at work and annoyed so I just gave it to her, and I got kinda shitty in my response, told her I’d explained this to her multiple times but since she was so pressed about it, fine. And she tried to backtrack and said it wasn’t a big deal but it was too late by then. She text me a few times and I left her on read a lot, lmao. Told ya, I get annoyed. She talked about herself incessantly and was honestly hard to converse with. After leaving her on read for a while she messaged me on Friday with, “Haven’t heard from you. Life’s sucked for me lately.”

I left her on read and deleted the message and her number. D-o-n-e.

The other girl I’ve been texting is Diane. I actually broke my mold and messaged her first, because I thought she was a cute little dyke and wanted to get to know her. It’s rare I find someone who interests me enough to message first, but I did reach out to her. She lives in OH, so she’s not super close (Angela actually lives in Fort Wayne but I refused to tell her where I live) and we chatted over the app for a while but I found out pretty quick that the same issue that I have with a lot of women I talk to...also afflicts Diane. It was the same issue I had with Angela. It’s the same issue I have with pretty much every living soul I interact with.

Why can’t people do anything other than talk about themselves?

Seriously, it’s like a goddamn epidemic. No one knows how to have a conversation anymore unless they’re talking about themselves. Diane was fine to tell me all about her work, her hobbies, her preferred hairstyle, etc etc, but very rarely asked me about myself. It became very clear very quickly that she was insecure, which I would be fine with, but she went the wrong way with it. See, some of the women I encounter have this issue where they love the compliments and attention I give them...but they won’t return it. Diane was fine to send me selfies (unprompted, I did not ask for them) and wait for me to talk about them or compliment her but she never asked to see me or for any selfies or anything. She wanted me to make her feel better, to make her feel pretty and wanted, but forgot to return the favor. And for as giving as I can be, if the other person only takes...well, that begins to chafe with me after a while.

She’d rarely comment on things I said, and if I’d ask her things like her favorite food or color, she’d tell me but not ask me for mine. It was a cycle of taking and talking about herself and I haven’t deleted her out of my phone but I woke up today to a selfie and a message from her that the selfie was a “present” for me and deleted it immediately, lmao. You need to take several seats if you’re thinking you’re making my day by sending me a picture of your face when we’ve only been talking a couple weeks. And part of it is my fault. I’ve been faking a lot of our conversation because I have to mask my initial disinterest, but Diane and all these other girls don’t do much to try and get beyond my shell. I don’t even think they realize it’s there...I mean that would require them to talk to me about myself rather than spending hours talking about them.

But they’re not the entire problem. Even the ones who genuinely seem interested in me, i still get bored and move on. The best way I can describe it is honestly a general disinterest. People bore me. Part of it might be my trust issues and the fact that I don’t expect anyone to really care. They just want a soundboard to talk about themselves to. I’m bitter and jaded, I don’t do anything to hide that. I also don’t think I should have to change to adapt to this new “me me me” era where no one cares about the person they’re talking to. I just won’t do it.

Part of me wonders if my imagination and fantasy have ruined me for reality and relationships. I expect to feel something for people, something akin to the love I feel for the characters that I am in love with. I want to feel that and I know I can. I felt it with Lyn...and that might be why I thought she and I were really meant to be together. It was the realest love I’d ever felt in a relationship. My whole life I’ve struggled with having this big, squishy, affectionate heart but there’s this hard outer shell people can’t get around or I can’t push down to let people get around (whether lack of attraction or disinterest or distrust) so I sit here, alone. It’s why I genuinely, since high school, have felt I would end up alone. Lyn and I weren’t so different in that I figured I’d just adopt some kids later on in life, or get pregnant on my own through insemination and just skip the relationship. It does make me a little sad, I want...someone, y’know? I get lonely. I want to feel loved and like someone wants me like I want them and I want to get married and share those experiences. Fantasy life is wonderful and I’ll always have it but I still get in bed alone every night. I can’t even remember my last kiss. And that part bums me out, to think I spent my 20′s pretty much alone and if my 30′s go that way then I really will wind up either alone or alone with kids.

Life’s weird. Part of me is okay with it, I am who I am and while I could totally fake a relationship I don’t want to. I don’t know if I’m waiting for some romantic movie lesbian to come into my life and take my breath and heart away at the same time or if that’s just stupid. If real life doesn’t work that way and I need to fix myself to try and find some...semblance of romance and happiness? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how to fix it or even if I should. I can’t change how I feel, when interacting with women who are interested in me but I don’t feel anything for any of them. I don’t know who I’m waiting for.

I just hope she finds me.

[stolensilmarils]

hey i’m back from the dead, for a bit at least, since i gotta study for a test i have tomorrow buuut i just need to angry ramble real quick before i do bc of reasons so yea sorry

under read more bc it’s pointless and i just really need to let it out bc it just bugs me man

but i probably will also feel bad about feeling like this later and delete this so... yeah. anyway

so okay i have a question here: why are couples a package deal? Why when i invite a friend somewhere they automatically take their boyfriend with them? like, it’s happened to me several times now that i planned on going out with a friend and it turned out she also took her bf with her like??? i’m sorry, but when i text a friend to hang out or whatever, i am inviting that One (1) friend. Where is it said that I’m also inviting some other random guy i don’t know that will take up all my friend’s time and i end up thirwheeling and feeling horrible?

like, okay, so few weeks back i planned to go to the movies with a friend and i was all set and it was gonna be great fun. then she texted me something like: “yeah we’ll come.”

i’m sorry. but. “we?”

and i was like okay fine, because it’s her husband and she thought it was okay and i mean it’s just watching a movie, who cares. So whatever.

but then fast forward to present, i got two tickets to a music festival for a great deal and i was like yissss gonna invite a friend and it’ll be awesome yes

(also btw you know what super suck? that i’m pretty sure i have more friends online than irl so i can’t really invite people i want to cool places and it just suuuucks and it also makes me feel bad bc i have friends irl and it makes me feel ungrateful but ya know.) anyways

so i’m trying to figure out what irl friend i should take with me and so i ended up inviting a friend (other one then the one from the movies, not the same one btw) and yeah.

so i called her and she was like “oh haha i should also take {insert a random guy’s name}” and i’m like ??????????? bc i have no idea who she’s talking about

and so i thought she was joking or something and so told her to think it through and let me know if she can come or what.

today she texted me that she and {insert a random guy’s name} are on a trip at the time of the first day of the festival so will arrive later.

and she’s asking me if he should take the two people or three people tent

“and oh by the way, he’s my new boyfriend”

and i’m like 

wait

wait a second.

what. the. actual. hell?

why, please someone explain to me why i would want to spend a whole weekend thirdwheeling like this?

like of course, from her perspective it must be so great, she’ s going on music festival with a boyfriend and a friend how cool

but i’m here friggin’ crying because while she’ll have a great time with a boyfriend and friend

that friend (me) will feel awkward and useless and like a complete burden and uncomfortable as hell while she’ll be making out or dancing with her new boyfriend.

like, i know he’s probably a cool guy, but i have a very hard time in getting to know new people like this.

and plus i’ll feel like i’ll need to control myself all the time so i won’t come off too weird or something so he won’t think that his gf has horrible friends.

plus what the hell?

why would i want to have a tent with them?

even if they don’t plan on screwing the whole time i still have no desire to sleep at the same tent as some random guy i barely know?

I AM JUST SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HOW THIS IS TURNING OUT I DON’T WANT THIS

i feel like i should text her and  tell her i can’t come and give her also my ticket if he didn’t buy his yet.

and just be at peace.

because really i have no desire to spend whole weekend feeling unwanted and sad when knowing i should be having fun instead.

i can’t take this. it’s just so stupid and i feel so very bad about this bc i’m happy she finally got a new boyfriend bc her last one was a pile of crap.

but like

why this.

why

and idk i guess what really bugs  me is that neither of my friends think of asking me first about it. like, i’m sorry, maybe you do this too, take your boyfriend to hang out with your friends, and it’s okay, but please, can’t you just ask that friend first if it’s okay with them? because now i can’t say i don’t want him to come, that would be the rudest thing ever, but i also don’t want to be there when he’s there even when he’s probably a good person or you know.

i will end up thirdwheeling anyway. i will. it’s always like this. 

like, why is my presence so useless to my friends that they have to invite their boyfriend/husband? i know i’m boring but we’re friends and i’m not forcing you to be friends with me but if we’re friends then i’m gonna invite you places.

why am i as a friend not enough? why do people expect me to be okay with them turning our hangouts to dates?

just

why

[wildgrave]

what do u love about ur friends

idk which one of ya sneaky bastards sent this but i’m not gonna complain b/c i will take any possible opportunity to gush about my friends.

update: this got entirely out of hand and i just wrote about like... everyone i talk to. if u talk just ctrl + f ur name (but don’t feel bad if you’re not in here b/c i’m doing this off the top of my head and can’t remember everyone!! also a lot of these are hs friends who don’t have tumblrs but u asked anon so)

i honestly love them all for different reasons tho!! i’m not going to tag everyone but: thanh is great for a straightforward answer & we have the same awful sense of humor which is basically 8 years of memes to reference (also she says no romo a lot which i find rly funny for some reason??). hannah is super loving and supportive and always looking out for me. jessie is wry and clever and honestly has every reason to get annoyed at me 24/7 but somehow doesn’t. whitten i talk to every day and is super rational about my problems which is helpful when i need solutions (also dank memes). gaby is great b/c we both have a lot of the same interests (feminism, art, fashion, shit-talking ppl, etc) and gets riled up about my problems which is great when i need someone to get angry with. colette also gets angry, usually angrier than me, about my problems and is the best person to offer to beat boys up (b/c i know if she gets drunk enough she will fight anyone). kathleen is great b/c we always end up doing something ridiculous and it’s fun and makes a good story. brooke is the fucking funniest person i have ever met and thinks she’s punk rock but is secretly boujee as fuck. amber also thinks she’s punk rock, but has the softest, purest heart of gold of anyone i’ve ever met (also she comes up with the most ridiculously hilarious ways to proposition me). claire and i can talk about absolutely anything and send each other close ups of pimples but also take nudes of eachother and honestly if thats not true friendship then what is?? sofie is honestly brilliant and always has clever comments to make and i’m lowkey in love with her to this day and i mean, if you’re not a little in love with your friends wyd?? mila is so sweet and i can have fun with her doing anything, like we don’t even need to go anywhere we can just have philosophical talks on my bed and it’s chill. sammy and i have only chilled irl once but she’s really quiet and nice but occasionally makes rly snarky comments about straight ppl which are hilarious. lucy is never on skype but when she is we have a fuckin field day and she’s so petty but like... in a funny way? i’ve only hung out with andie once (which i’m trying to change before she goes back to vegas) but she’s so into musical theatre and i love reading her tweets about it b/c i love how passionate she is! dylan makes awful decisions on the daily like... blowjob competition? rly dyn? and it’s so funny to hear about and he gives ridiculous but funny advice and is super australian and always says “bruv” which is super funny to me. jenna i’m p sure is going to be running the world in two years (also holy shit she’s graduating college?? my bb girl is growing up :’)). adja is so funny b/c i thought she was super by the rules in hs but now she’s a wild child. aidan (as in the senior in hs, not the one my age) sends me #relatable memes and even tho we don’t talk often it gets deep as shit when we do (but i lowkey don’t trust him b/c of his opinions of iron fist smh). allie is in my race & ethnicity class and is just nice all around and we DM eachother on twitter sometimes like ‘what was that awful presentation in class’). nick from polisci is so knowledgeable about politics but makes the issues funny w/o being offensive and shannon (also from polisci) dresses rly cute and we have fun conversations & the three of us have a funny group chat for our presentation. quinn is such a wannabe edgelord but is honestly so pure and a good friend. asmaa is the sweetest possible person and we always tease quinn together. ricky continously gives me a hard time about everything but in a funny way and patiently explains WoW lore to me. JT is also fun to play WoW with and makes me feel like a baby b/c he’s and old man. rebecca’s steadfast belief in drarry makes me smile and i love her writing. harri is one of my many wives and her snapchats are amazing (as are her boobs). kinzie i rarely talk to but i can still hit up sometimes like whats up bitch today i had sex while listening to wtnv. cassie, becca, and eleanor are all rly cool and super pretty and nice to chill with and i love their art and photography and general personalities. georgie gave me the sweetest poem and letter last summer when i was feeling down and we have similar aspirations and i’d love to work with her in my career sometime! marko and henry are married istg but anyway marko is such a genuine, honest person and henry is an amazing writer and i loved english with him and it’d make me happy if we were closer. lena is my protege and i am an awful mentor b/c i never see her since i graduated but she is my child. layla is the baddest bitch i have ever met, her nails are always amazing and we can be catty together and blast nicki minaj. sarah is so funny b/c everyone thinks she’s reserved and studious and stuff (and she kinda is) but once you get to know her she is the sassiest person you will ever meet. my sister and i fight sometimes over me stealing her clothes constantly but we bond over how our parents drive us up the wall and also she cooks a lot which means i can steal food. the entire volstovic cycle fandom (dani, scarlett, anna, crystal, etc) are all amazing creators of things and honestly an inspiration. rimsha is the hardest working person i have ever met and i love hearing about her succeed. brady is my fellow gay (tho tbh 90% of the ppl on this list are gay b/c we flock together) and i love him for his snarkiness. all the boys i sat at lunch with in high school (garrison, rex, arun, etc) are such memes but i didn’t realize how cool they were until we graduated and now i’m like, damn i should’ve paid them more attention even tho i saw them every day. my boyfriend is my friend and he’s the most politically active person i have ever met, and he’s such a dweeb, and he makes me smile whenever we’re together (even when i’m trying to be angry at him). feihong acts like a fuckboy but is pretty dang cool if i’m being honest; he’s rly dedicated to what he does. carly and i don’t talk but i appreciate her paintings and selfies and funny tweets from afar. morgan and i were at a fidlar concert once together and we both couldn’t survive the mosh pit (also her instagram captions are fuckin hilarious am i right or am i right?). kelly is a goddamn klepto but we always have fun together drinking coffee and talking about pens and i love and support her art and she does the same for mine. charlotte is chill and i miss just hanging out in her basement b/c she’s such a gemini but in a good way. the ppl i sit with on campus (sumaiya, alex, zuri, etc) are always having interesting convos and share food and it’s a good time. my cousin and her husband (nat and ron) are the most punk ppl in their 30s and they introduced me to the punk scene and i miss them b/c they moved back to kansas. shakey’s photography on insta makes me feel pensive and i want to go to philly just to meet her. miki i’m not super tight with but her writing is a+ and makes me cry and i love rping with her. rina is such a cool mutual and her art is dope. lea is also a cool chic and i love her hair and want her to bake my wedding cake. mousse is so nice to everyone. ellie and i only talk like twice a year at family parties but we can always dive back in and pick up where we left off. the ppl i party w (other aidan, jakob, justin, etc) are dumbasses (i use that term endearingly) but i’m 98% sure they’ve all carried me to the toilet when i’ve been puking my guts out at a party. marley was that friend that ended up going to yale and no one was surprised so i admire her success but also she was always kind to me and always asked how i was doing with my mental illnesses. renee and maria and i bonded over ib art and sga and generally being over-worked by our sponsor. alanna was another one of my proteges who i need to keep up with better b/c she’s badass and funny and has the best eyebrows ever. i don’t talk to sidney anymore but we went thru so much together and supported eachother a lot a few years ago and i still love em for that. eddie is such a dweeb, everytime i see him (which is a surprising amount considering he lives in miami) we act like nothing has changed and go at eachothers throats. rachel m & galen have both grown so so much since i met them and i’m proud of them. rachel s is so fun to talk about hoe things with and laugh at eachother. marco has the best finsta of anyone ever. danny and i talk over snapchat every so often (like every month or so) and we have the weirdest convos like?? let’s name your imaginary lizard. zamzam (from my creative writing class last semester) was super fun to hang out with when she came over and actually everyone in that class (xander, leah, olivia, will, etc) were excellent writers and hilarious and we all bonded. victor is such a bro honestly he’s funny and is very attentive (actually listens) and is fun sober or not. sandra i’ve known since i was a baby and never really talked to until recently but she’s so nice to talk to about small things. alyssa i stalk obsessively on goodreads b/c who else can read that much, istg girl you’re a cyborg (but like a pretty one). rp buds that i haven’t mentioned so far (mario, mackenzie, etc) i value a lot for their companionship and writing. there are tons of ppl from hs that i wish i had gotten to know better when i was there (julia, drea, tina, both erins, bridget, etc). 

and yeah there are more ppl but those are mostly ppl i talk to at parties or dm occasionally or wish i was friends with but admire from afar. anyway. this got long. I JUST LOVE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!

[pickcpodcast]

06 Show Notes - Which “bad queen” least deserves her reputation?

Jezabel [one of the original Bad QueensTM]and Ahab Meeting Elijah in Naboth's Vineyard. Print by Sir Frank Dicksee (1853-1928). Look at that stink eye she’s giving!

We’d like to begin this week’s show notes with a quick book recommendation: Game of Queens by Sarah Gristwood, which is about the 16th century, a time period Gristwood calls “a century of women.” Can’t lie, she makes a convincing case and does a fantastic job weaving together the stories of the dozens of women who ruled Europe as regents and in their own right throughout the 16th century, including two women on this list--Mary Tudor and Mary Queen of Scots.

Here’s the WorldCat link so you can screw over Amazon and instead find it in a library near you~ https://www.worldcat.org/title/game-of-queens-the-women-who-made-sixteenth-century-europe/oclc/1016988674

Speaking of which, our answer choices this week are:

Isabella of France

Mary I of England

Mary, Queen of Scots

Marie Antoinette

If you’re wondering why we only included European queens in this episode, you won’t be surprised to learn that history is rife with “bad queen” stories (see above). There are too many to fit into a single episode, so we decided to start with Europe, which most people are familiar with, and work our way to other parts of the world. As of this episode’s posting, we have two other “bad monarch” episodes in the works, including one about Chinese empresses--so fear not, and stay tuned!

And of course, before going to the juicy tidbits below, don’t forget to check out the actual episode and answer our poll!

Our first extra fun fact: all these women are actually related!

Both Mary Tudor and Mary Stuart are direct descendants of Isabella, through her son Edward III, whose descendant Elizabeth of York married the first Tudor king, Henry VII (Mary Tudor’s grandfather and Mary Stuart’s great-grandfather).

Mary Stuart is the granddaughter of Henry VIII’s sister (and Mary Tudor’s aunt) Margaret Tudor, who married James IV, the King of Scotland.

Marie Antoinette is related to Mary Stuart by marriage, being a descendant of Mary’s sister-in-law Claude of Valois.

She is also related to Mary Tudor on Mary’s mother’s side; she’s a direct descendant of Mary’s first cousin, Holy Roman Emperor Ferdinand I, the son of Mary’s aunt Juana “the Mad” of Castile--who was also a candidate for this episode!

Option A: Isabella of France (“the She-wolf”)

Reigned: 1308 (married to Edward II) – 1330 (removed from regency by her son Edward III)

Retour d'Isabelle de France en Angleterre (Isabella of France’s return to England). Grandes Chroniques de France, 1455-1460, illuminated by Jean Fouquet. Source

The older among you (or possibly the film buffs...maybe) may know Isabella as this chick:

But (1) she very much did not bang William Wallace, having been 12 when she first became Princess of Wales and 3 in the year she supposedly met Wallace in the movie (which....most probably did not happen at all, but that’s the least of the things wrong with Braveheart).

And (2) there’s so much more to her story! Although Braveheart does get right the fact that she was one gutsy chick who could absolutely go toe-to-toe with the “great” (and, in the case of her husband, not-so-great) men of her day.  

First of all, if you’re a fan of Jason Porath’s Rejected Princesses, Isabella is one of the features in his first book! You can find her entry here.

If you, like Lindsay, are a beleaguered university student drowning in academic papers, fear not! You can also learn more about Isabella’s life from these excellent documentaries:

She-Wolves told by Helen Castor, a series about early English queens. Episode 2: Isabella and Margaret https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ftgbUJ3ZLc&t=2s

Britain’s Bloodiest Dynasty told by Dan Jones, a series about the Plantagenet. Episode 3: Revenge https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYBZVSShBIE

We also have a quick correction from the episode: the Ignoring Isabella in Favor of Boyfriend Incident happened not at Edward and Isabella’s wedding (which happened in France), but at the coronation feast held when the couple returned and were crowned King and Queen of England. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Piers Gaveston was left in charge while Edward was off getting hitched, which was..... a choice.

If you want receipts on Edward being, as Lindsay put it, a “man-loving man,” may we direct your attention to these two articles, which look at what the sources of the time have to say about the whole sordid matter.

Other sources on Isabella:  [1]  [2]

Option B: Mary I of England (Mary Tudor AKA “Bloody Mary”)

Reigned: 1553 – 1558

Thomas Eworth, 1555-58, oil on panel. Source

Aside from Game of Queens, one of the major sources we used for Mary’s life is this BBC documentary (we told you, Sophie watches a LOT of them): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eaMix9x4HE

The She-Wolves series also has an episode about the Tudor queens, including Mary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxmRco4P0bk

If you want to take a peek at John Foxe’s body count for Mary’s reign, the text of his Book of Martyrs is available online (hint: Mary’s reign starts in Chapter/Book 10). Similarly, the text of John Knox’s The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women, you can also find that text online. We’re going to refrain from linking it here because we love our readers and don’t want them exposed to *too much* misogynistic brain rot.

If you like to consume your history through historical fiction, Sophie recommends you skip Philippa Gregory and instead go for Mary, Bloody Mary by Carolyn Meyer. More on the YA side of things, but still better. (CW for a lot of uses of the w-slur though.)

Other sources on Mary: [1]  [2]  [3]

Option C: Mary, Queen of Scots (Mary Stuart)

Reigned: 1542 (6 days old) – 1567 (forced to abdicate the throne) Executed: 1587

François Clouet, 1558-60, miniature. Source

The picture above has an interesting story attached to it, which is that it (allegedly) belonged to Elizabeth I, who apparently treasured it. The whole relationship between Mary and Elizabeth is really fascinating, and Gristwood’s book goes into the diplomatic shenanigans between England and Scotland during the time--including Elizabeth asking, on more than one occasion, about why she and Mary couldn’t just get married, for Pete’s sake.

One of the major reasons Mary made our list is in honor of the film Mary Queen of Scots, which came out not too long before we recorded this episode. We didn’t really have time to go into all of the things wrong with that movie (so much? denim????) and how it doesn’t at all reflect the IRL dynamic between Mary and Elizabeth--but thankfully we don’t have to, because the lovely ladies over at Frock Flicks already did a podcast episode about it! Go listen: http://www.frockflicks.com/podcast-mary-queen-of-scots-2018/

Smithsonian also has a great article about the film and the history behind it: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/true-story-mary-queen-scots-and-elizabeth-i-180970960/

For people who don’t give a fig about historical accuracy but also don’t care for excessive denim, a great series (read: trashy, hilarious, and entertaining in the extreme) to watch is Reign, which is less a portrayal of Mary’s story and more “CW drama vaguely associated with elements of Mary’s story.” One of the reasons I love it is because of Megan Follows, who plays Mary’s mother-in-law Catherine de’ Medici (who had an IRL reputation as Bitch Supreme and very nearly made this list). She’s utterly ridiculous and it’s a thing of beauty.

Historical fic recommendation: Mary, Queen of Scots: Queen Without a Country by Kathryn Lasky. Part of the Royal Diaries series for young readers, which are really much better than they get credit for.

Other sources on Mary (Queen of Scots): [1]  [2]  [3]

Option D: Marie Antoinette

Reigned: 1774 (her husband’s accession) - 1792 (overthrow of the French monarchy) Executed: 1793

Louise Elisabeth Vigee le Brun, oil on canvas, 1783. This iconic painting shows Marie Antoinette in one of her “shepherdess” costumes, known as the chemise a la reine. The gentrified informality of the painting managed to piss off absolutely everybody. Source

She’s known for having said “Let them eat cake,” but most historians agree that she did not, in fact, say this--she just took the fall for some other royal, who was quoted by Jean-Jaques Rousseau in a book he wrote when Marie was all of twelve years old.

Marie Antoinette is also known as the Queen of Fashion, someone who started and ended fashion trends at will and spent lavishly on gowns. This part is true, but fewer people know that she didn’t do it alone--she had the help of a hugely talented merchande de mode named Rose Bertin. Bertin is credited with many of the Queen’s most iconic looks, including the chemise a la reine above, which you can learn more about Episode 6 of Amber Burchart’s fashion history docuseries, A Stitch in Time.

An addition to something we mentioned in the episode: the one guy that Marie Antoinette may have cheated on her husband with (just maybe, and we’re not even sure about that) was a Swedish military officer named Hans Axel von Fersen, with whom she was close friends. This guy actually has a fascinating story in his own right, but the bit we care about is that he was one of the few people who stuck with Marie until the end, helping to organize her attempt to escape Paris.

Historical fic recommendation: Marie Antoinette: Princess of Versailles also by Kathryn Lasky. Lasky’s research is really very solid, and I think the book does a great job at showing how truly uncomfortable Marie was at the French court.