#one day i'll say something more coherent about this. not today though

[lesbianslugreaction]

something something Valjean's faith and belief in God is personal whereas Javert's (if he even believes) is more based on authority and the idea that God is at the top of the arbitrary hierarchy he's built in his head

[blu3haw4]

Sneak Peek

I've been saying for this Clexaweek, I'll try to write for last year themes as I make my way updating my WIP's.

I have a headache that's killing me, so instead of posting the full chapter for today's update, i'll give you a sneak peek of what I have so far, this is probably like... less than half of the entire chapter I have planned out and I'm keeping the plot point to myself 😌

So here it is, For day three: Fake dating

Guess we'll have to work it out (Arranged Marrige from Clexaweek 2022)

Here's a little summary:

Clarke and Lexa live in a relatively small town and are forced to get married after Clarke's mother caught them hooking up. The problem? It was a one-night stand and they know nothing about each other.

And here you go, happy Clexaweek everyone, this one is spicy 😈

"Are you insane?!"

"I will be good for you, honey. Don't act like it's the first time I've picked your date for these events"

"Mom! Don't you realized how different this is?! Are you aware that the shit you pulled is some next level stalkery?!" Clarke exasperated into the phone, she had gone out to grab lunch and as usual called her mom for their weekly updates.

She was still trying to process the events of Saturday morning and her mother not having an ounce of touch when it came to social manners. Clarke had decided, though still shaken, to let it go and move one, that was until Abby brought up the gala and her recently arranged date. And all the trouble she went through to make it happen.

"Oh don't be dramatic. I've known Agustus for years, this is no difference to the Desai"

'Gustus' Clarke corrected in her head, because of course she remember such a stupid detail "I had never met Ryker before!" she hissed, because she knew how to pick her battles "I never hooked up with him before!"

Her mom tasked on her phone and Clarke almost snapped "Look, darling, I have a surgery soon, okay? I have Lexa's number and I think you should call her, you know is not as simple as showing up, so maybe arrange a date to get your stories straight" Clarke couldn't believe her mother, she was just handing out instructions as though it was a gift, something for her to be thankful of, for having such a thoughtful mother.

It shouldn't surprise her anymore, but it felt like each time Clarke thought Abby had reach a limit of craziness she just went and outdid herself, as thought it was her mission to prove to Clarke she could be worse and then act as thought every other parent -or person- acted the same.

Clarke took a couple of deep breath trying to come up with a coherent thought that wasn't finding a way to put her mother in a mental hospital and keep her there until she died. At her lack of response Abby spoke again "Sweetie you know the drill, this galas are just to help you showcase your name with a pretty and successful young adult in your arm. This people have expectations of what success looks like and you know showing up with your friends isn't it"

And of course it was true, most of the millionaires and billionaires that showed up at hospital gala's went there under the disguise of wanting to help, to share their grant of salt for the sake of medicine and people's well being. In reality they were there to inflate their egos even more, to have successful people of all ages kiss their asses to convince them to help their cause. They're expectations were for those people to have their lives figured out, to have a life plan that they could prize themself in supporting with donations, being single didn't fit their parameters.

So of course it was Clarke's braking point; in her own way, her mother was just trying to show her how much she cared. Her entire life she had gone above and beyond to support her; her passions and dreams, she paid for all her education only asking for her happiness in return. Even if often she pulled up crazy things like inviting her one-night-stand to a very elite event, or calling her ex boyfriends to ask why they had dumped her, she always had the best of intentions.

With a sigh, Clarke agreed "Okay. Can you text me her number? I'll call her soon and I'll coach her for Sunday"

∞·∞·∞

"Fuck! Don't stop!"

And for the third time in the past two hours Clarke thanked her past self for agreeing to her mother's crazy idea. Feeling Lexa's walls shudder around three of her fingers, hearing her breath fasten by the minute as her moan grew louder and louder, more desperate each thrust of Clarke hips.

Lexa was face down on the bed, her leg parted so wide that her hips were barely lifted from the bed, Clarke had a hand trapped between their bodies, her hips helping her trust deep into Lexa's cunt, as her other hand had come around Lexa's abdomen to tease her clit. Clarke was fully leaning over Lexa's back, nibbling and licking at her shoulders and neck, occasionally sharing a desperate messy kiss before Lexa's moans interrupted them. Lexa had a hand on Clarke's wrist keeping her hand from wandering away from her clit, and her other arm was stretch towards the headboard where she occasionally held from.

A call on Tuesday afternoon -because she needed a whole day to prepare- lead to a coffee date on Thursday. They rode off the indicial awkwardness and got down to business -no pun intended- Clarke explained to Lexa as best she could all the things they should prepare for and they planned out some fact about a fake relationship should people potentially ask them.

One flirty joke about their hypothetical sex life turned into a round of back and forth about their night together and before they knew it they were making out in the elevator up to Lexa's apartment. Neither cared that it was a weeknight when Clarke unbuttoned her shirt and Lexa helped her out of her bra, they couldn’t be bother about noise complaints when Clarke got down on her knees after backing Lexa to the nearest wall and devoured her as though it was her last meal.

Lexa didn't let her catch her breath before she had her pinned to the couch getting fingered down with a vigor that had Clarke wishing she hadn't left her strap on at her ex-girlfriends' place, never to be seen again. They made it to Lexa's room by common agreement that they needed more space and now here they were, making Clarke wish she still had the strap on for a different reason.

"Clarke! FUCK!"

All she could do was smirk into her shoulder and continue her rhythm, she knew Lexa wanted - needed- more; faster, harder, anything, but she wanted to stretch the moment, Lexa felt too good around her finger, under her, she was so vocal and loud and Clarke loved it. She also wanted to see how long it would take for Lexa to beg, or if she would refuse to. In the end it was Clarke the one who gave up, not realized how much she craved to hear and feel Lexa come for her, she quicken the pace of her fingers over Lexa's clit as she thrust harder into her, grunting into Lexa's back.

"Cla-rke!" the guttural moan with which Lexa came was everything Clarke wished for and she couldn't help but smile a genuine smile into Lexa's shoulder. Clarke kissed the ink on her spine as she helped her ride down her orgasm; she moved her hand grabbing Lexa's in the way, and made sure to pull out slowly, only after Lexa's breathing was back to normal -or close enough- holding her close, Clarke turned them so she was laying behind Lexa and spooning her.

Lexa sighed, eyes closed, her fingers intertwined with Clarke's, one pair of hands around her middle and the other up against her shoulder, her head resting over Clarke's bicep, her nose hiding in the underside of Clarke's flexed elbow. She felt safe, if was a feeling that should unsettle her given she had met Clarke less than a week ago and this was the second time they were seen each other. She embraced it instead, for once in her life letting her guard down.

[softsky-daily]

11/4/2024

Vague shapes in the vast mass of cloud.

Positive thing: I maintained some incredible level of excitement I hadn't reached in a while.

Today... was a blur. I guess I'll start off saying I woke up nauseous as all get-out, so I ended up calling out on work. I felt bad about that since I've been doing that a lot lately, but I decided I wouldn't linger on that and instead really focus on making today fun and relaxing so I could feel better. And boy did I!

My friend a while ago had recommended the anime "My Happy Wedding," which is funny because they don't technically hold a wedding at all in the anime and it's actually got demons and magic and crazy stuff, anyway, I decided now was the time to go on a binge-watching session since it was only 12 episodes and I knew I could finish it within the afternoon. And it was really good. It's literally a fantasy about being fixed by a hot anime boy after you've been through trauma but they do it tastefully. And there's magic, yay! Really though, I liked their interpretation of someone learning to heal after abuse by finding healthy relationships (not just romantically, but with friends and chosen family).

Midway through I decided I should get some tea for my aching stomach (and also for a treat) so I went to a nearby cafe and got some white peach oolong tea. Hot. It was so good. Sweet and mellow and just the right amount of bitterness to really make the flavor linger in your mouth. And it made my nausea go away, so it did its job in that regard too. But what I didn't know is that oolong tea actually has a fair amount of caffeine, and I had gotten a pretty big size of it. I chugged the whole thing while watching the anime and to be honest I really don't know when the caffeine hit but it did. Oh my god. To be honest I'm still wired as hell and feel like I could bounce up to heaven in one big hop and high five an angel, and it's probably been 12 hours since I drank it.

Needless to say, in my heightened caffeine state everything got, like, 100x more likely to have an effect on me. I cried a lot during the anime and jumped up everywhere when it got exciting and then, and then, I decided to to rewatch nigehaji scenes and that got me so giddy it just carried the high even further, until I blinked and there was full handwritten essay about what I liked about nigehaji sitting in front of me.

It feels like there's a big cloud in my head and electricity is bouncing everywhere between my ears. Like I'm floating and I could be carried off by the wind at the smallest nudge. Like there's a drum in my chest and every beat is reverberating in every vein in my body. Is excited even the word for this?? I feel like my body is just a vessel for some wild thundercloud that I'm barely channeling to form coherent thoughts. It's fun though. I think. Honestly it's like I'm working through a thick fog but I guess because I'm in a heightened state, by default my brain is interpreting that as a good thing. I guess I'm enjoying it while I can?? I'm usually so exhausted I don't know what energy feels like anymore. Maybe this is just how everyone else feels normally? No way this can be sustainable, right?

Okay so I just did the math and based on what I looked up, I had about 180mg of caffeine. Good lord. I have caffeine sensitivity so that's extra overdoing it I think. It's a good thing I did fun things today and not anxiety-inducing things or I think I might've exploded from the heart palpitations alone.

Soo I guess now I have the Herculean task of trying to get to sleep tonight. I've had a lot of water all today even with the tea, but somehow it hasn't faded away at all yet. I already have insomnia so this'll be a fun challenge. Hopefully tomorrow I'm not absolutely dead from the caffeine crash, whenever sleep does happen.

It really was a good day though, whether despite or because of the caffeine. It's been a while since I sat down and binged an anime, and there was something very nostalgic and healing about it. I mean, the anime was good which definitely helped, but even just the act itself was fulfilling in some way. And I of course always love indulging the nigehaji brain worms in my head. I drew, I worked on building the Gundam my friend gave me, I wrote and danced around my room and had a yummy tea... yeah, it was a good day.

Now let's hope I sleep. Thank goodness I work from home tomorrow.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #107

I got lost in Blender all day today.

Well, no. That's not wholly true. I also wrote a little today. And also I made some food:

It's mushrooms sauteed in rendered bacon fat, and rice with black beans. I cooked the mushrooms, and J did the rice and beans. I ate these with a bit of that salmon I made recently. Or, well… mostly the skin of the salmon I made recently. Because J ate the salmon meat and left the skin, since he doesn't like the skin. But that's okay; the skin is my favorite part anyhow. My body craves collagen all the time, and I think it might be due to the Ehlers-Danlos, but I dunno.

…I have not eaten nearly as much as I should have today, so it's a little hard to think coherently enough to write to you. Got too lost in an attempt to do various things. This is the result of only going without eating for maybe 10 hours. How in the hell did you go for a whole freaking WEEK??? Don't EVER do that again, okay???

I have zero clues about what I'm doing. But I'm more scared for your safety than I am scared of what my brain likes to think it means about me when I try something new and I'm not immediately amazing at it. Got a lot of vicious self-criticism going on about my intelligence level and worth as a human being, stemming from years of traumatic one-trial learning and expectations of perfection imposed upon me by others until it was internalized. Still, I'd rather endure ten times my own inner critic than have you permanently stuck someplace where you're not safe, though. I'd rather live my whole childhood again. I'd rather live it 100 times over. I'd rather… gods…

…I wish I could just ask you to promise me that you'll make it through all this okay, that you'll try to fix all the things that got wrecked, that only a minimal number of people will be hurt, that someday you'll live in a peaceful place and learn all about what it's like to heal from a wretched set of life experiences, that someday you'll understand what it means to be happy and close with a diverse group of healthy-minded people who love you very much.

…If you truly are strong in the real way, then you'll be taking steps towards what I've described; Square Enix said you are the strongest ever, but that's only true if you grow past and become more peaceful and loving than even the most healed of those of us who have been traumatized. You will always be weaker than me if you do not reclaim your original kind and caring nature. But I'm not sure if the people of Square Enix are going to let you. So I have to do something. Anything… I…

I can't let it end for you like this. Not again. I was too small in 1997 when the original story came out, and too young and dumb in 2003, when I saw you for the first time, to do anything about it… Just like I was too small and powerless to do anything to protect my brother when we were living with my stepmother. Just like I was too small and powerless to do anything to protect my mother when her husband at the time was hurting her almost every night.

...Do you have any idea how traumatic it is to have to sit and watch as some kind person you've come to know, understand, and appreciate gets hurt, and not be able to do ANYTHING about it? No matter how much you cry, scream, beg, or try to bargain? I've been through this more than a few times with various folks, and I can say with absolute certainty that getting beaten hurts less. Do you have any idea how long 13-year-old me, defeated and powerless, wept for you after you were slaughtered?

…But I'm not powerless now. I will help you, somehow. Even if I don't really know how just yet. But I'll find a way. Even if I have to spend the rest of my life trying it, I…

…I should maybe start by doing a better job tomorrow of making sure I'm hydrated and fed. I'm not going to get anywhere if my brain is running on fumes. I gotta learn from your fail. I gotta do a little better. Not just for you, but for the people around me, and for everyone I've failed in the past as a result of all the things I didn't yet know and couldn't yet do…

I love you. Please don't get yourself killed; you gotta read tomorrow's letter. Okay? Promise me.

Your friend, Lumine

[katvantassel]

just found your blog today and i love it!!!! i was wondering what you thought about the twist with kat / if you saw it coming hehe

Hello! Welcome to my blog 🥰 I'm glad to share my love for shipwrecked with you! You're very kind and thank you for the question!

I'm sure I could go on and on for days, but I'll try to keep my response not too long and mostly coherent! (Although, who am I kidding, I will likely ramble a bit. Also, pls forgive my half checked grammer.) I'm gonna start by answering the second part and then I'll wrap around to the first part! (Also spoilers below ofc!!)

To be quite honest, I mostly didn't see it coming! Sure, I got weird vibes from kat (especially after the horseman was revealed to her), but I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. Most of my "who is the bad guy" energy was aimed toward baltus, so kat kinda flew under the radar. She was very much playing the "keep your friends close and your sacrifices enemies closer" card. I figured her vibes seemed a little off and she maybe had something to do with whatever baltus was up to, but I never would have guessed the magnitude! At the end of episode nine, I was extremely suspicious (like most of us I imagine) but I had so many different ideas of what it could mean and no clue which one it was exactly! There seemed to be so many different possibilities and I was VERY confused! I'm not always the best at reading between the lines, so I started to catch on around the scene before the big reveal. But, for the most part, I had to have it basically explained to me by kat & diedrich (which I totally didn't mind as it was so captivating). I think I had tears welling in my eyes and my jaw dropped during the whole twist! There were a lot of emotions to unpack.

Now, to talk more about general thoughts about the twist lol. I think this portion is where I am going to struggle to put my thoughts&feelings into words, but I will certainly try haha! To start: I WAS SO PLEASED, TAKEN ABACK, AND IN AWE OF THE TWIST!! I don't think it is nessecary for the persauds writing, but I do think they enjoy having a big twist/ reveal. So, to have it be something of this gravity and emotional depth, was very satisfying and cathartic to me. (Not that they haven't had other amazing reveals but I think kat's is really another level of emotion/depth tied to it (and also shows how the persauds writing has grown imo)). What we had learned about Kat so far already made her a super interesting character!! But this reveal made her even more complex and human to me. She became a much more muddled and "grey" chracter after the reveal (imo), which is what basically every human is! With the reveal, we saw a "darker" side of Kat. It kinda caught me off guard at first, but when you settle in and listen it makes so much sense and plays sensibly as an under layer to the pre reveal Kat we knew. I also really love the reveal for how much context it gives kat's earlier actions and the whole show. It provides so much more thought, motivation, and core behind all her previous actions and dialouge! It also really helps explain the build/ arc of kats chracter up to that point too! Her past year and relationships with those around her mean so much more. I'll try to wrap it up now and say that as much context and meaning the reveal provides it still allows for a ton of space for unsaid words and unanswered questions. And, that's some of the beauty too! Even though the twist is this amazing reveal, it still doesn't wrap up Kat or the story into one nice present with a bow. There is still so much left for the audience to interpret in terms of her motivations, morals, thoughts, and more. The twist gives us answers but also opens so many doors for thoughtful conversation and great nuance around Kat.

I've talked for a while now, but I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of what I could say haha (I tried to limit it to chatter mostly about kat but there is much to be said about other characters and elements of the scene too). In conclusion though, I love it very much and I'm sure I can rewatch the reveal a thousand times over and it still give me new things to think about. And, that is thanks to the wonderful attention to detail, care, and passion shipwrecked put into their projects. So many elements such as the Persauds writing, Mary Kate's acting, the cinematography, editing, lighting, score, and makeup & hair & wardrobe come together to create such an astounding and poignant reveal for Kat Van Tassel that is perfectly situated in a finale that really brings Headless as a show to a whole new level!

[bohdiemakesmusic]

FIRST BEHIND THE SCENES WIP THING

ALRIGHT so i've been talking big talk about doing BTS and WIP shit, so here the fuck we go!!! Trying out a little fun piece in a major key since I'm a sad bitch and all I ever write seems to be in either a microtonal key I can't identify or a variation of C minor, D minor, A minor, a lydian mode, or a random pentatonic scale walk-around. This one's in 'ol basic something major. I dunno I didn't do no fuckin' fancy music theory classes.

BOOM THERE'S THE SHEET FOR THE LEAD MELODY FOR YOU NERDS WHO UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT

and for you COOL SEXY PEOPLE who don't care about music theory here's the piano roll

so true.

anyway, you may be asking yourself: "BUT BOHDIE, WHAT KEY IS THE SONG IN? WHAT TEMPO? HOW'D YOU WRITE THE MELODY???" and to that I say, this is you:

but sure, i'll humour you:

i don't know

120 BPM or something

with my mind

TIME TO MAKE THE DRUMS

wait i hate programming drum machines. and using a sampler sounds fucking boring right now too... "just stack bunch of built-in-daw loops ur not gonna release this anyway" say my demons....

today my demons win.

SO THE DRUMS ARE DONE :)

i've never been fucking good at making drums so if I can get something that sounds halfway fucking coherent then I'll go with it. Y'know what I AM good at though????

sound design

SO OUT COMES DIGITALIS AS USUAL BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE GETS THAT CRUNCHY DIGITAL SOUND LIKE THOSE ABBERANT DSP BOYS (shoutout btw I genuinely love digitalis and I also use Sketch Cassette far more than I should for that saturation and wobble)

HOW DOES BOHDIE SOUND DESIGN?

I'm gonna make a whole series of posts dedicated to just sound design at some point because BOY do I love just Fucking around with knobs and dials and buttons and claiming I have a profession. Shaping a sound into something I want it to be is kinda easy for me personally. How it usually goes is something like

Take a sound that is a good basis for the end product. Doesn't have to sound even anything like it, it could just have some of the elements you want. EG for this track I needed something organic and familiar sounding to start off with, as the end result I wanted to get was something familiar, yet warped and destroyed

Determine what you want to turn the sound into. Ideally this comes before even step one, but we'll ignore that

(here's the fun bit) GO FUCKING NUTS WITH PLUGINS. if you have outboard stuff that can achieve the same result, though, USE THAT. I just bought two (2) tape players/recorders on the cheap (more about what I'm using those for in another post one day)

TO CONCLUDE

Rounding out my insane ramblings on this post, I'm gonna mention the instrumentation, plugins, and other miscellaneous stuff in case you're interested: Mainly used Baby Audio's BA-01 synth, that goes for the bass tracks, pad and melody (although not the sub bass I used a built-in 808 for that) Plugins, as mentioned, a lot of Digitalis for digitising the cool organic, not-quite-there voices, as well as Deelay for the delay, RC-20 to add some flutter and noise, and a built in EQ and compression for light initial mixing. Boring stuff tbh :(

Also here's the bass that I forgot to squeeze in Elsewhere

TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHERE I LOSE MY FUCKING MIND EVEN FURTHER

[exospherethoughts]

This isn't about you, but it's something I wish I could talk to you about, and I can't because if I try to then it'll be a wall of text I send you and it will be ignored. Or met with some short "thanks for sharing" type message. Even if you asked to call me, I don't think you want to do emotional vulnerability with me anymore, so the void gets this instead.

I wish my mind could grasp onto solid feelings and thoughts, but catching fleeting ideas or keeping track of a single coherent thought process is much akin to attempting to juggle thirteen wet thin bars of soap whilst rattling off the periodic table of elements in order. To communicate any of those bars of soap in a sensical and terse manner is practically impossible. It's highly frustrating to live inside my head, and when I think too hard about it, I want to tear my hair out. I'm trapped in a mental prison and I have no way of reaching out between the bars to talk about it or even just hold someone's hand. It's as though the version of me in my head is completely separate from that which everyone in the real world perceives, and when I let myself be consciously aware of that disconnect or try to reconcile the two entities, I run into walls, I feel trapped, and I panic. There is no way out.

Yet here I am, desperately trying to communicate it anyways. None of what I just wrote adequately describes what I've been experiencing my entire life (although it's been getting worse and worse lately as I become more aware of it), but I am trying. Maybe one day I'll land on the right combination of words for it. Probably not, but I can try.

I wonder how much of this summer I'll remember. Will it be lost to the depths of my mind like every other summer? Is it really just summers that are bad, or am I just telling myself that because I don't want to admit that every single month of my life ends up fading away so quickly, it's like my life only started two or three weeks ago?

What strange plane of existence is my mind on? Today was objectively good. I spent time with someone I really enjoy being around, they have been *incredibly* generous with their time and knowledge, I was productive today, I went outside, I got to do some crosswords, my smoothie this morning tasted good, I socialized with some fellow grad students, it was an objectively good day. I should be happy. I should feel connected and valued and appreciative and like I matter. But when I was walking home, I felt empty. The version of me that walks around and talks to people and makes facial expressions did all those things today. The version of me that exists in my head was holding her breath all day, for who knows what reason. Despite having felt like I was mentally present all day, it was as though that was a false perception, because once I was alone it was as though I was being set down after being tossed around in a hurricane, I had to catch my breath and felt overwhelmed by the day. But it was a good one. Why do I feel overwhelmed by a good, straightforward day? Why did that only kick in after I was alone and on my way home? Why did I think I was present in reality only to realize at the end of the day that I was as disconnected as ever?

Is it perhaps not that I am really disconnected in the moment, but that External Me is present in reality and Internal Me is not, and when I am alone, External Me goes away (except for the part that goes through the motions of making tea, cooking dinner, and typing on my computer right now), leaving Internal Me to take over the majority of my mind? Is it really just an issue of Internal Me not being the one who is experiencing any of the things I say or do every day, and External Me has no real short or long term memory, so whilst I may be "present" in the sense that I am doing everything I can to experience things in the moment, I do not remember any of those things as if it were really me there? Is that why all the memories I do have feel like stories someone else told me rather than memories of my own experiences?

Is that why, when I think of anything we did together, any time we spent together, my chest feels devoid of any emotion and my mind plays out vague images as though from a film? Is that why I keep finding myself sobbing on my bathroom floor playing music I know used to make me feel love or longing or heartbreak or joy or warmth or safety or forlorn about you, desperately trying to feel any of those emotions again, closing my eyes and imagining myself in those memories, searching for a shred of reality to cling to; but instead finding only grief for the lost parts of those memories? The lost parts... the important parts. The parts that made them *my* memories. The parts that made me feel something rather than remember a description of what I was feeling. The parts that kept your face and voice crystal clear. The parts that made them feel real.

It's funny how this wasn't supposed to be about you, but we ended up here anyways. Sometimes I wonder how I know I love you, the you sitting on the other side of the planet texting me once a day (if I'm lucky), because to my mind you've already turned into some distant character entirely separate from the person who I fell in love with and spent so many dozens of hours talking to.

Then I look at the mug on my desk with so many dried flowers in it, all picked for you. I notice how every time something good, or happy, or painful, or funny, or interesting, or mundane, or anything happens, I want to text you about it. I think about how I do grieve the lost parts of those memories, rather than being indifferent to them. I see how I have to exercise so much self control to wait until next week to ask you to call me (I really want you to ask first). I find myself running down the same paths we used to walk together, letting your ghost haunt me, wishing I could go back and do it all over again, just to hold your hand and hear your laugh and listen to you talk about your day.

I may feel empty, I may not be able to reconcile the you on the other side of my phone screen with the you I knew here and love, but I would be doing myself a disservice to deny how I feel about you. Even if my mind cannot grasp that you are still the same person, even if my mind cannot remember any of what we had as reality, I think my heart knows. It knows and it grieves for my mind because it knows how much my mind is missing out on. It knows how wonderful those memories are in full colour and emotion and reality, and it is in pain because without my mind to remember them for it, it cannot relive them. It cannot miss them properly. It can only grieve.

And so I sit here, ribcage hollowed out, grieving something I know I've lost but cannot fully experience the pain of losing because it does not seem real.

It is a kind of torture I wouldn't wish upon anyone. My entire life is going by and none of it has felt real. Not you, not any of the time I've spent with friends, not any of the time I've spent with my parents, not any of the trips I've gone on, not any of the things I've learned, not any of the music I've played, not any of the places I've seen, not any of the things I've said or done. I don't even really know who I am, I don't know how others perceive me, I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back. I see a body but I do not comprehend that I am inside that body. I know when I speak my voice comes out but if I listen to it, it does not sound like me. I know I interact with people but those interactions are like watching two other people interact, neither of them seems like me. I don't know who I am and none of my life has felt real. At least when you were here, I had moments of feeling real in the moment, I had moments of feeling loved and safe and I felt like I could be completely myself with you. It was the closest I've gotten to feeling like Internal Me was the one existing in reality in a very long time. But apparently it wasn't close enough, because you are now another lost part of my memories.

The worst part of it all? Despite sitting here, typing away, trying my best to line up my thoughts in a row, grabbing at any ephemeral emotion I can, it still doesn't come anywhere close to properly conveying what I'm experiencing.

It's one thing to suffer. It's another to suffer knowing you cannot make anyone else understand your suffering.

[dzpenumbra]

8/15/23

What a day!

I went skating 2.5 hours today. I was a bit anxious and reserved at first, but the college-aged guy I met the other day showed up after a little bit and we waved, so it made me feel a bit more at home. It's fucking odd to have people recognize me, I missed it.

I skated the same side of the park I usually do, just doing the same old bag of tricks. But at one point, I tried boardsliding that round rail again... and it wasn't that bad. That was sorta... the beginning of my "real session", I guess you could say.

I have been pacing myself so I don't skate huge stretches non-stop, I'll just do a run out and back trying a few tricks, then stand around and rest for a bit, unless I'm really working on something. Partly to pace, partly just out of awkwardness. During one of those long standing around sessions, I overheard the people next to me talking about teaching... and art... It was the college aged guy I met the other day and some other guy a bit older than me, who was really good at skating. Like... he was a hair away from landing switch tre flips. That's really good in my book.

I actually approached the guy after his conversation. I asked him if he knew anything about requirements to be a college teacher, that I was interested in getting into teaching but I wasn't sure if I could with just a BA. He unfortunately wasn't able to help, he's a teacher for a home-school group, likely much younger kids too. But I actually approached a stranger and initiated a conversation today. ... I actually approached a stranger, introduced myself, and had a conversation with him. Like... for me? That's fucking massive.

I noticed something though. I was nervous and fumbling for that conversation. And that conversation was about work stuff, career stuff. Fast-forwarding with some spoilers, I hung out and had conversations with 3 different people today. The college aged guy from the other day who ollied the jersey barrier, the homeschool teacher and the kid who landed the BS 180 the other day, who had the beaming smile when I cheered for him. And I streamed for 3 hours. Of all the shit I did today, and I'll tell more detail on how anxiety inducing a lot of that should have been... the conversation about my career and work was where I was stumbling over my words and felt like I could barely form coherent sentences. Like, I even felt like I was close to stuttering at points. There is no doubt in my mind now, that's a big trauma trigger for me. And no fucking duh it is, good lord, with how fucked up I was treated during conversations about my work shit? I'm honestly... kind of afraid it might be my biggest one. And that is really bad - how the fuck am I going to build my career... if things of potential importance to my career... make me turn into a fumbling mess?!

I doubt the guy noticed, honestly. At a certain point after that guy left... I cruised over to the other side of the park and started skating the low box. This was where the whole fucking game started to change. I learned how to ollie-to-manual today. First time doing it. I'm sure I've ollied over cracks into manuals before, I've ollied out of manuals before, but never ollie-to-manualed on a box. And I did it a bunch of times. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought. I didn't hang my trucks up on the edge one time. It's actually much easier to balance manuals that you've ollied up into rather than coming down out of an ollie onto flat, at least in my experience. Once I felt what it was supposed to feel like, it was surprisingly simple. It took a bit of a grind to get my first one though, probably a good 10 back-to-back tries? Maybe more?

This inspired me to keep building off of that. They have a "rail" that's two concrete parking blocks raised on cinder blocks and waxed to shit. I boardslid most of one of them, a few times. That was fun. And not just like... the side of it... it's flat on top, so you can actually feel it when you get on top of it, and I got really on top of it a few times. Just doing that started to bring back a lot of feelings of... board confidence. Just... confidence being on my board. Confidence is such a big part of skating that is really starting to come back now. I feel so much more natural on the board, and not just my trick board, on my hybrid too. Once the board starts really feeling like a natural extension of you... that's when shit starts getting real.

I then had a short conversation with the kid from the other day, I gave him a tip that I learned from watching skate videos, to try to lock the box coping in between the truck and his heelside wheel (for front 5-0). He then went and did a 50-50 like that and fucking nailed it first try, super smooth too, and looked back really happy. I talked about how I was scared of that trick, and he seemed anxious and didn't really know what to say. I ended up going and devoting a bunch of time to trying FS 50-50 on the 8" box, and I landed it a few times. Yep. I didn't just learn one new trick today... I learned two.

I can't even explain the difference between my nervousness and social anxiety when I got there, versus cruising around the whole park and trying new tricks by the end. It really helped that at the end, it was just me... the college aged guy and the kid. Being in a park where the only people there are people whose names you know makes a really big difference, to me at least. Maybe it shouldn't... but it did.

So yeah, it was a really good session, and I skated for a good 2-2.5 hours. I cruised home the new route again, I go by a big church now, which is cool. I love church architecture, it's nice and quiet over there too. This route feels so much less sketchy compared to the main drag I used to take.

I got home, made dinner, ate, and then streamed for 3 hours. I actually just ended stream to hop over here. I worked on my pants the entire time, doing the white outlining for the celtic knot. It looks really good, the paint is being cooperative, my paintbrush... not so much...

The majority of the stream was a fucking nightmare. It was silent. A guy showed up, someone who I've "known" for a long time... aka he has dropped in, talked about himself for 5 minutes and then left a bunch of times over the years. I have no idea why he keeps coming by the stream, he obviously doesn't like what I stream, he literally only comes by to tell me what's going on in his life when I didn't ask. He only stopped by to brag about how he lost weight, then left. So weird. Like... I'm a stranger to you... why do you care that I know that? So odd to me, and like... really not what a streaming site is designed for... Just go to a Discord group or Facebook or something.

Then I had a person come in and tip me 100 Bits! 100 whole bits, can you believe it! That's... that's $1. That's one fucking dollar. The single apple I ate on the way to the skatepark was more expensive than the random tip I got. But, you know, it's a "big number", so you're supposed to get all excited for these people and jerk them off for their generosity. Seriously. It's so fucking degrading, and even more so when you've been doing it for fucking 7 goddamn years, and you're just like... okay... you're just throwing quarters at me at this point... Normally I'd appreciate the tip, you know, if it was a viewer... it's money I didn't have... but... here's what set me off...

This person had made an account specifically to - and they told me this overtly, as a point of pride - go around and find "small streamers" and give them Bits, and "leave them with a smile", then head off to find another one. So... they go into my stream with no viewers, they give me one viewer, which raises my ranking on the search results and raises my chance of drawing an audience... they give me one dollar... they expect a huge "thank you"... then they leave and bring my viewer count back down to zero. And they are "helping me". That shit gets under my skin. You're just doing it to feel like you're helping people. You're the kind of person who gives money to homeless people simply so they can brag about it later. I mean, how can they really care about the people they are claiming to want to help? They don't even remember their names! You want to really be appreciated by a streamer? Watch the fucking stream. Put your agenda away and just fucking sit down and watch the entertainment that is being given to you for fucking free and actually process what you are watching. If you like it, follow them, subscribe to them (so they can get $2.50/mo of support from you), maybe gift some subscriptions to other people, so more people come and hang out? And go tell a fucking friend. Go talk to your friends and genuinely, honestly tell them about the good time you had in that stream. That is how you help a stream. Otherwise, you're going into an empty room, saying "I support struggling poverty-streamers", throwing a dollar at them, and strutting out the door thinking "I just made their day"... while they're going... "crap, I thought that was a real tip, I thought someone actually liked my art." It fucking sucks, and these people are just... oblivious.

After that, I got a "troll" with an IQ that could fit in a Sudoku square. Their opening line was trying to get me to read something backwards that was clearly some kind of genital-related phrase intentionally (?) misspelled. I asked them what their age was, if they were over or under 18 and made a comment about how... good lord, it was a Monday night... XD And he followed up by saying "your art is banal". And I was really proud of how sharp my comebacks still are. Good lord, I've been in isolation for like 5 fucking years and I still have wit that outclassed this guy like a 13 year old green belt taking on Mike fucking Tyson. I asked him where he learned that word, presupposing it was likely from misspelling "anal" in google and accidentally learning something useful. And then I went on to let him know that I appreciated his critique, but his opinion was really only of as much value as the time gone into forming it. I then decided to continue musing on how fucking odd it is that someone would be trawling low-population art streams at 11PM on a Monday night just trying to trick people or bring their self esteem down. He left, no mic drop, nothing. These people are just as bad as I remember. They've got their one prepared line, maybe a follow up, maybe a backup line... then they run like children. Meanwhile, I'm on camera... I'm using my voice... and I made him look silly. I doubt he learned a lesson there, but one can hope. The internet makes people act really fucking stupid sometimes.

Just a bit after I told my empty stream that I was getting ready to wrap up, I got raided. It was a streamer that does pixel art, they brought 23 viewers with them. It was appreciated. Most of them left, but one stuck around and chatted for a bit and even checked out my Instagram, which was nice. They didn't follow my Instagram or my Twitch though... So yeah. It was nice to get some interest and actually explain the piece a bit, and they seemed actually interested in the medium, so that was a nice chat. I love talking shop, I never have people to talk shop with.

So... despite the stream being an absolutely nightmare... I got about half the knot outline done. I streamed for 3 hours. And I did have some positive interactions. I am, however... tempted to try streaming here... or on Instagram. I just don't know if I can use OBS for that, I really fucking hope so. If I can use OBS, I'm absolutely going to try doing art streams both on here and Instagram. I really... ugh, I don't know if I'm reading into it but... I really don't like what Twitch has become. It really feels like people are just using it like a social media site? Or kinda like Omegle? Like... it's not people coming to watch a host who is providing entertainment for them... unless you have a built-in audience... they come in and start acting like the center of attention, when the camera is literally pointing at a different person. It's weird. I kept thinking over and over tonight "this site is a like a fucking magnet for narcissists". Not just on the camera side, but viewers too. It's weird.

So yeah, that was basically my day. And now I'm fucking bushed. I'm wiped. I'm just going to go take a quick shower and head to bed.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

I would take a bunch of houses from various different eras and put them together in an interesting way. There's no reason to pretend that there is some overarching "style" for the city as a whole, or even that I don't want it to have its own style. But this means you can combine all sorts of styles with each other: modern house plus pre-modern house, or whatever else, since they are not trying to compete with one another but rather coexist peacefully within the same space. A lot of real cities do this! It doesn't matter if your neighborhood has stunningly beautiful classical architecture mixed right next door to ugly 1960′s office buildings (or vice versa). What matters is how well everything fits together, and how much history it implies -- which means mixing architectural styles by century, period, country, etc., instead of just choosing between The Palladian Villa and The Art Deco Building on every street corner. This also lets me throw in more modern things like parking garages and whatnot without breaking any mood.

These days people are so afraid of using non-monotonous textures that it often looks like someone took a palette made up entirely of shades of white and beige and tried very hard to make sure none of those colors were ever used anywhere except where absolutely necessary. Meanwhile a few centuries ago people didn't care about monotony at all; when my grandfather was growing up he lived in a house whose exterior walls were painted dark red and whose interior wallpaper had a pattern that included a blue background, yellow flowers, orange fruit, green leaves, and brown branches. You wouldn't dream of making such a thing today, because everyone knows that a building should look exactly the same everywhere. Even if you try really hard to mix stuff together, most people will see it as jarring unless everything looks identical throughout. Which isn't actually true though . . . we know that the human brain can deal with huge amounts of visual information quite well. If done carefully enough, you could probably create a world where nobody minds that their shopping center looks nothing like the bedroom behind it, or anything else nearby.

There is, however, a catch here . . .

It seems obvious that if you build something out of multiple sources then you need to think through which elements come from each source first. Otherwise, you might end up putting e.g. a Greek temple on top of Gothic gargoyles or something like that, and while in principle I am okay with that sort of thing, only as long as it comes naturally from a coherent design scheme, I feel that most attempts to avoid it ultimately fail for being too rigid, especially compared to the flexibility shown above. For example, it is impossible to imagine that someone who decided to make their entire house out of found objects would get everything backwards and pick the wrong side of town to shop at, thus ending up with a patchwork quilt consisting solely of Target items. Nevertheless, many "mixed media" artists seem to fear that they won't be able to pull off such a feat, and therefore go out of their way to make sure that they start with something recognizably modern and add random historical details later on. However, once you give yourself permission to use one modern object per room, that makes sense. You still have the freedom to play around and incorporate a variety of designs into your overall vision; you just happen to already know which ones they are.

So yeah, I guess you could say that whenever I want to include random bits of old buildings I'll be thinking ahead to what the rest of the place needs? So maybe it turns out that the nice little balcony on the front facade does fit in after all, it helps establish the character of the building as having a certain kind of attitude toward nature/light/etc. And maybe it ends up looking cool anyway – but if it doesn't, oh well, back to square one until the rest of the design works itself out. In practice I expect I'd need a big file full of references with notes attached to it saying why I picked these particular pieces for each part of the project, including why I ended up tossing half of them.

If you could build an entire city, which architectural style would you choose?

The style I've been thinking about is "everything that exists in the game Dark Souls 1," but it would be difficult to implement, and also probably too elaborate. (I can sort of see how they did everything -- there are a lot of hidden references.)

A more concrete example might be something like this web site by Jonathan McCaffrey? It looks like this:

([not actually a link])

There's no real architectural purpose behind using these old-fashioned methods instead of modern ones – except maybe the fact that they look cooler than what you could build nowadays without them looking "cheap" (like those plastic panels from the '60s). But you know what else was popular in the early days of computing power, but is still considered cheap compared to what you can make with current technology? That's right . . . textures. This building is made entirely of glitches and artifacts, because who cares if there's nothing interesting going on underneath it when you spend most of your time staring at a big ghost face at the top?

Also, notice that they put in fake walls between rows of seats to give the impression of having individual booths. What do you think are going through their minds while they design stuff like this? Are they really trying to do architecture, or are they playing a different kind of game altogether?

[chasingstardustandmoonbeams]

Stay With Me

A/N: To say this one took on a life of its own and got away from me would be an understatement. It's a bit fluffy, but mostly angst. I have not Beta, and if there any mistakes, my bad.

Summary: "How do you tell your best friend your in love with them? How do you tell them that your world would end if they weren't in it?"

Word Count: 1.4k

Gif taken from here

Your head was pounding. Why was your head pounding so bad? Blinking rapidly, you tried to clear your vision. Your shaky hand reaching out to touch your forehead.

Frowning, you pulled your hand away to find blood smeared across your hand. That would explain the pain radiating across your head.

Great.

A scream to your left reminded you that you still weren't safe. Trying your best to pick yourself up, you let out a low hiss. You knee was badly scrapped, but you would still be able to run if you had to.

Well, you thought, this day just couldn't get any worse. Maybe you should have listened to Peter and played hooky today. At least you would be in danger with the latest villain of the month trying to kill you.

Glancing to your right, you could see an almost clear path to an exit. If you ran right now you might just be able to -

"Help! Somebody help me please! I'm stuck."

With a sigh, you scanned to the room. It was sweet old Jane. You glanced at the exit once more before gritting your teeth. You'd make the exit, you resolved, you'd just be taking Jane with you.

You sprinted towards Jane. She was stuck underneath a fallen desk. The large windows reflecting the chaos behind you. You slid across the floor, rubble from the ceiling stop you as you clutched onto the desk that held Jane.

"Hold on Jane," you huffed as you tried to lift the desk, "I'm going to get you out of here."

"Oh, Y/N!" Jane shakily said, "Are you sure you can lift it?"

You let out another huff, the damn desk wouldn't budge. You managed to give Jane a big smile. "'Course Jane!" Maybe I'll manage to lift it in a year, you thought.

"That Tom took one look at me and left me," Jane sobbed. "Just leave me, dear, we both don't need to die."

"Jane-"

"No one's dying - not on my watch."

Your head snapped up, Spider-Man stood confidently in front of you. He lifted the desk off of Jane with ease.

"Oh, Spider-Man! Thank you! Thank you!" Jane cried out as you helped her off the floor.

"You should be thanking your friend here," Spider-Man gestured to you. "It takes a remarkable person to help someone in need."

You felt your face grow warm, your mouth opening to try and say something coherent when you saw it.

"Look out!" You cried just before Spider-Man shot his webs at the assailant.

"Both of you, get out of here, now!" He cried out. Swinging about the room as he tried gain control.

Nodding your head, you swung Jane's arm over your shoulder trying to get you both out of the room. A maniacal laugh rang through the room causing your blood to go cold.

You had one second to notice a desk flying towards you and Jane before your realized you'd be pushed though the window. Shoving Jane to the floor, you closed your eyes as the full force of the desk hit you. Knocking the breath right out of you, you hardly noticed as you crashed through the glass.

Hair blowing wildly in the wind, you tried not to think about how you were about to die. Peter Parker, you're best friend was the only thing running through your mind. If you weren't about to die, you knew he'd kill you.

Closing your eyes, you tried to brace yourself. A thud hit you causing your eyes to open.

Blinking your eyes open, you saw Spider-Man holding you close, the free falling motion continued as he swung you through the city. When he finally set you down in front of St. Vincent's, you found yourself staring at him completely dumbstruck. He, on the other hand, was holding onto your shoulders inspecting you for damage.

"Are you okay?" He asked, obviously displeased with his own question when he saw the blood starting to cake in your hair.

"You saves my life," you blurted out.

"You should really inside and get yourself checked out." He said gesturing to the hospital.

You wobbled a bit, Spider-Man gripping onto your arm. You gazed up at him, a hint of a smile on your face. "Thank you," you said softly.

With his mask, you weren't sure of his expression - still- you couldn't help but feel his eyes boring into you.

"Hey! How 'bout a little help over here!" He yelled, nurses immediately running towards you. With one final nod, he swung off. No doubt off to save someone else.

Nurses ushered you into a wheelchair muttering about a possible concussion. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath. You were save, alive. The rest could wait.

----------------------

With a low groan, you made your way into your apartment. After countless hours at the hospital they finally let you go. Your mind immediately went to calling Peter. You had wanted to at the hospital, but you weren't given the chance.

You limped over to your couch, the answering table machine blinking red. With grunt, you checked your messages.

You have seven new messages. Beep.

"Y/N, I heard what happened, are you okay? Call me back."

Beep.

"Y/N, I'm assuming you got dropped off at the nearest hospital - meaning St. Vincent's is everything okay?"

Beep.

"If you don't call me back, I'm just going to go to the hospital myself."

Beep.

"I'm getting worried now."

Beep.

"They said you were just released. Just missed you."

Beep.

"Okay, I'm coming over. Going to stop by and get your favorite."

Beep.

"I really hope your just asleep on the couch. Wait- you don't have a concussion do you? Because then you shouldn't be asleep. Y/N? Hello - "

No more new messages.

Oh, Peter was going to kill you.

A soft knock came from your door. "Y/N? It's Peter, I'm coming in."

You craned your head to the side to see a worried and frazzled Peter coming through your door. He closed the door behind him, sitting down across from you on your coffee table.

"You better not break my table, Parker." You teased, clamping your mouth shut when you saw the serious look on his face.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was?" He questioned. His eyes looked a bit blood shot, the thought of Peter crying over you, because of you, caused your heart to pang.

"Pete-"

Peter reached out, frowning deeply when he saw your bandaged head and wrapped up leg.

"Don't worry, Peter, I'm fine." You mumbled, fingers clamped together like you were a child being reprimanded.

"Y/N, I should have -"

'What? Been there too? Peter the last thing I would want is for you to be bandaged up here next to me." You said gently, your hands reaching out to hold Peters. "Besides, Spider-Man saved me."

Peter scoffed, "He should have got there sooner." He paused, his blue eyes locked on your intertwined hands. "You could have been seriously hurt - or worse you could have-"

"Peter," you said softly, your left hand reaching out to cup his face. "I'm here, I'm okay. I just..." You chewed your lip, "Can you do something for me?"

Peter leaned forward, "Anything, you name it."

"Will you stay with me tonight?" You swallowed thickly. "I don't want to be alone right now."

Peter smiled at you, the first genuine smile you'd seen from his all night.

"Whatever you need," He whispered.

The both of you ate in relative silence, it was comforting, knowing that you both only had to be near each other.

When your eyes began to droop, Peter helped to lift you to take you to bed. Gently, he placed you under the covers before he began to walk back to your coach. Your hand caught his, stopping him.

"Stay?" you asked, your eyes remaining closed.

Wordlessly, Peter climbed into bed next to you. You nestled into his side.

You felt yourself begin to drift more, comforted by Peter's warmth and presence.

"Y/N?" Peter whispered.

You were too tired to respond, instead you nestled further into him.

"I don't know what I would do if something happened to you." Peter paused his thumb stroking you cheek. "How do you tell your best friend your in love with them? How do you tell them that your world would end if they weren't in it?"

Peter sighed before he began to drift himself.

With a sleep riddled mind, you pondered Peter's question. You wished you had an answer for him. You'd been asking yourself the same question for years.

Sleep finally took you, along with the hazy memory of Peter's words.

[b-blushes]

i am very actively practicing being neutral or positive about things (not in a toxic positivity way though, i love having learned to cry about things just for the catharsis, it's truly great to be able to feel feelings), but one thing that consistently is extremely hard to do that about is being ill 24/7. Like. gradually becoming less able to concentrate before becoming unwell to the point where it's hard to talk (type, because i'm not seeing anyone in person) to friends bc my head's swimming too much and becoming painful so fast (even this far into this post!!!!) and i can't keep a coherent trail of thought because Something Begins To Happen To My Brain. Even now i've forgotten what i'm saying but i hate keeping it to myself always so. Anyway it sucks being sick always and potentially feeling like you're getting worse and not understanding the mechanisms of your illnesses and not being able to access proper and multidisciplinary diagnosis or in-depth discussion with clinicians. I am always holding out hope that the next doctor i see will be the one who is thorough and patient and has heard of the symptoms and conditions i'm trying to talk to them about. maybe there's something that will help me some day or that even if i can't improve more than i have there's someone out there that can help me understand it and make it a bit less horrifying when i have days/weeks of worsening weakness or can't think/write/'talk' straight! big picture i'm fine and functioning and will regain the brain power to talk to my friends properly again! (I am willing into being) but there's *so many things* i want to do but just can't because i can't keep my brain on track for long enough. for months/years i've been wanting to get back into making videos but can't write/edit words/film/edit footage for relibably long enough to make a video that expresses the fleeting feelings i want to string together to actually *say something* about it other than 'i'm sick' or 'X helps me' i want to dig my teeth into things so badly but just cannot!!!!! because i'm sick and The Symptoms! Like. I'm fine it's just been hot today and i suspect i might have a condition that explains why that means i've been extra ill but yet again i can't yet find a doctor who will help with it and sometimes the only thing i can do is say 'yes it sucks to be Sick Always and to be stuck in the same place because there is no 'getting better'' Tomorrow or maybe even in a few minutes i'll be okay and excited for things again, just, this is 5 minutes of that post that's like 'actually i'm not being so brave about it aaaaaaah!', and my friends, i don't know how to speak to you about it directly because it's just so big and mostly i (like us all) are broadly fine and safe and coping and maybe it sucks to make it a public post but maybe you feel the same and it helps a little to know someone else is in it too, like it's less of a loss? big picture i am fine small picture i'm sick of being sick and while this is not a helpful for a community post in the sense of having much productive to do maybe you are also tired of being privately unwell and having it together as best you can all the time. i'm gonna go and make dinner for myself and practice caring for myself and remember all the good and improvements there have been! And i hope anyone else who's having a 'actually i'm not being so brave about it' time can also do a tiny thing to make some sort of small easing of Everything for yourself <3

[kiiboslostahoge]

Light

I think Killua deserves all the laughter, idc how, tickles, jokes, exposure to one(1) Gon Freecs he just deserves happiness so today we're going to write some tooth-rotting fluff. Yes Ik my brain has such a coherent thought process :)

'Gon, you are light.'

Killua Zoldyck firmly believed these words to be true, a statement with the solidity of the testing gates that kept his childhood self from the world outside.

'But sometimes you burn so brightly that I must look away.'

Killua had been scared, scared of the inevitable. That one day, the bright light would be set ablaze and a mess would be made, leaving the boy to pick up the shattered pieces from the bottoms of the Earth.

'Still, please allow me to stay by your side.'

He just didn't care. He let the mess be made and scoured the ends of the Earth for pieces, coming out of it sith a family member he could stand and a best friend who was alive.

Killua rightfully thought nothing could phase him anymore. So why was it that Gon Freecs managed to make him care?

The silver-haired boy thought about it during his separation from his aforementioned best friend, coming to an unfortunately undisputable conclusion.

He was in love. With his best friend. With his male best friend. His family expected him to love a woman and make an heir, yet he was in love with his male best friend who hated them with a burning passion.

Honestly, that was the best part for him. Screw those old farts, the bloodline could end with him. Alluka was uncomfortable with intimacy(All thanks to them), Ilumi was madly in love with Hisoka, Kalluto didn't give two shits about them anymore and Milluki was well... Women didn't really like men who hugged their anime body-pillows all day.

Gon, on the other hand, was dense as rocks and seemed to think of him as nothing more than a friend, making Killua feel too much like every shoujo anime heroine(Milluki rambled his ass off about shoujo anime, something about how hot the girls looked in superhero costumes) for comfort. Eh, he'd just deny his crush on Gon. That always went well in the animes, right?

Wrong. It did not go well. His masterfully crafted plans of the past were weak in the face of his teenage hormones, resulting in his current plan being the dumbest plan ever.

Gon asked him one question, one question, that made it all fall apart. It was an incredibly stupid question for an incredibly stupid light of his life, yet it still tripped him up.

"So, Killua, I already told you about how I kindaaa liked Palm. How about you? Got any crushes?"

Goddammit.

"N-No, I don't like anyone. What even made you think that, huh?" Okay, so maybe Killua got a bit defensive about the topic for someone with "Crazy anti-lie detector skills"(Leorio's words, not his) but in his defense, it was the hormones fault. He blamed the stupid hormones for everything, including that one time the chocolate in his choco-robos fell down the drain.

"Hehe, you're lying~" Gon sing-songed, the poor boy oblivious to the incredibly obvious truth that his friend was trying to cover.

"No I'm not, what's your proof, huh?" The ex-assassin screeched, shaking Gon by the shirt.

"Your face gets all red when you lie, Killua. Although, for some reason that only happens when you lie to me," the Green-haired boy remarked confusedly. The slight pout on his face did not help Killua's blush.

Dammit, he's an idiot, but he's a cute idiot!

"Whatever, since you don't wanna tell me why," Gon hmph-ed, making the young Zoldyck wish he could take a picture and save it in one of those photo albums most moms had for their kids, "Don't think I'll give your little crush the same treatment though. You made me confess, so I'm gonna make you confess!"

Killua takes on a cat-like grin at that, "Oh yeah," he says with mock-innocence, "I remember that. Let me see, I think..."

"Oh yeah! I think I tickled it out of you! And you broke after, I'd say, around 2 minutes?"

"Don't change the subject! And it isn't that funny, you know!" Gon says embarrassedly.

"Really? Nahame one thing that's funnier," the transmuter grins like a cheshire, distracted from his embarrassment at the prospect of Gon's suffering.

"Hmm," Gon thinks for a while, finally coming up with an answer, "I think it's funnier when you're on the receiving end."

Silence for around three seconds. Then, Killua bursts out laughing.

"Ihit- Ihit tohohok yohou thahat lohong toho cohome uhup wihith thahat ahanswer?"

"Hey, not all of us are super smart, you know! Besides, you won't be laughing when I get to make you fess up! Well, you'll probably laugh, but you'll try not to!"

The blue-eyed boy narrows his eyes. Tickle fights are incredibly serious, after all, winning them is a matter of pride.

"And what makes you think you can beat me?" He asks, activating Gyo in case Gon's learned a thing or two from Hisoka's constant rambling about bungee gum.

"Simple, I'm wayyy stronger. Using your Godspeed to beat me would be a violation of the unspoken rules," the hazel-eyed hunter says sagely, as if he is talking about an actual duel.

"Psh, Yeah right- Hey! What the heck was that for?" Gon suddenly tackles Killua, sitting on his knees without a care in the world.

"I just wanted to prove I could do it, that's all. But hey, we're this far, so..." He pokes his best friend in the stomach, eliciting a squeal.

"Confess, Killua Zoldyck, or be subjected to torture that your asshole parents could never dream of, the one weakness of the experienced hunter, the-"

"Cut the crap and say the stupid word so I don't have to already, Moron!"

"Sorry, I'm too stupid to say it, Killua! I guess you're gonna have to say it," The green-haired boy swipes a finger across his friends digits in a move of pure pettiness.

"G-Gon!"

"Looks like I can finish my speech now, huh? What was I about to say? Hmm," he frowns, "Dang it, I forgot. The speech was really cool, Killua, and you wasted it!"

"Of course I did! Do you even know how stupid you sound? Forget about mock-seriousness, you couldn't even impress a bunch of kindergarteners with a box of chocolates in your ha- Ahck!" Gon stopped his tirade by poking at his left armpit.

"You never let me have any fun, you know. I know I sound stupid, but at least I won't sound half as stupid as you do trying to hold in! Why do you even do that in the first place? Your laugh's really cute! And before you call me a moron, know that I'm quite literally holding you hostage, " the Porcupine-head nods smugly, reeking of self-satisfaction.

"A h-hostage situation won't stop me from being hon-" The young Zoldyck let out an honest to God squeal as Gon poked at his bottom rib.

"But I don't know that, cause I'm stupid!" Gon hmphed, "Anyways, enough being nice. Fess up, Killua, or I'll be forced to play dirty."

"Yohou wihish, lohose- AHCK! GOHOHON!" Gon once again cuts off his best friend, this time by scribbling the ribs instead of poking them.

"I warned you, you know. I didn't want it to come to this," That was a lie. They both knew Gon greatly enjoyed these things because tickling was one of the few pranks Gon could pull off better than Kilua. This was because tickling itself was deemed irrelevant by the latter's family, leading to a twelve-year experience gap.

"N-NOHOT THEHERE!"

"Not where?" Gon asks smugly.

"YOHOU KNOHOW WHEHERE!"

"No I don't, because I'm stupid!" Gon humphs, blowing a nice, big, raspberry on Killua's bottom rib.

"AHCK!- I-IHIHI G- *snort* GIHIHIVE!"

"Really? Already? Did you grow more ticklish or did I just get better?" Gon ponders, staring down at his own hands.

After a while, Killua grows impatient and manipulates his hands into a more muscular form, shoving Gon off.

"You could've done that all along?" Gon inquires, eyes filled with awe rather than fear. Killua, on the other hand, realizes exactly how prone he truly was to underestimating himself. He'd started learning that technique since he was 2, dammit!

"I could've done that all along," his voice is distinctly unimpressed, for he himself is having some regrets.

"You've gotta teach me someday, Killua! Anyways, who's the lucky person?"

The electromancer hesitates, ultimately deciding to answer.

Gon deserves to know the truth.

"You are, Gon." It's almost completely inaudible to the ordinary ear, yet Gon can hear it just fine.

"You're not just joking?" The hunter's expression is three parts awe, one part suspicion.

Killua is too embarrassed to do anything but shake his head. Gon, on the other hand, seems unaffected.

"Nice! I love you too, like in the romantic way. I thought you were the type to like emo kids or something like that though, so I never told you!"

"Idiot!" Killua punches Gon square on the head, "You can't just say stuff like that, it's embarrassing!"

"Oww," Gon complains, "Sorry. I didn't know people like you existed who get embarrassed at everything. So, what do we do now?"

The silver-haired boy has no clue,he didn't even think he'd get this far.

"In the shit that Piggy watches, they usually kiss, meaning that we shouldn't do that. I think the best way to go from here would be eating choco-robos and trying to tell Alluka and Nanika," he says, grabbing a choco-robo from his front pocket.

"Oh, and of course-"

"Yeah yeah, you'll get vengeance later, " Gon grumbles.

"Correction, " Killua grins in his usual smug manner, "ill be getting my vengeance now."

"W-wait, Killua, can't we talk about thihi-ACK!"

Gon's following ticklish shrieks could not even be ignored by his father.

[blksuwie1]

RivaMika FanFic Rec List Part 1

Hi friends!

I decided to make this rec list because I've been consuming so much RM fic lately that I've been having a hard time keep tracking of which ones I'm recommending. So, I decided to make this for my selfish reasons lol but I figured this would be good to share since it seems we have some more incoming RM fans our way.

We're currently at 916 RM fics as of today. When I first started reading about this wonderful duo, there were only about 600 or so and it just exploded over the past years. It's so awesome to see our little ship gain some headway.

As always, feel free to add in your own recs! This is merely a beginning list. The links to the fics are attached to the title. I'll include some ratings and brief summary. See the tags below for quick info:

Tags

+ = Completed work

- = WIP

* = nsfw

The Song Remains The Same by MoraLeeWright. Rated M, * and +. What can I say about this masterpiece that hasn't been said already? This is probably the best intro to rivamika that you can ask for. Really good rival to lovers done in a realistic manner. So damn good, you'll consume it in less than three days. Recommended to anyone who is a bit iffy about this pairing and needs some convincing. The smut is beautifully done too. Fantastic slow burn.

Just Until The Storm Has Gone by MoraLeeWright. Rated E, * and +. When I tell you I screamed at some of these scenes! A much more angsty composition to the post canon au fics out there, but done so well. You almost forget how much angst the characters feel when the sweetness of their actions outweigh them. Author is incredible and has more works, but these two are just *chefs kiss*.

Surviving Peace by die-forellex (heatinfreezing). Rated E, * and +. This fic was my first RM fic, and I'll never forget it. It's hot, sweet, and oddly comforting. There's a particular, ahem, mouth on private part scene that always me fan myself in chapter 2. The satisfaction you feel when these two are finally finally happy, it's so wholesome. Just mind the tags--ackerbaby and pregnancy is big in this one.

To you, five years from now by a_sassin. Rated E, * and +. A different take on a post war au that has Eren and Armin alive, trying to navigate their last years as Mikasa returns to them. Oh, and she's pining for a certain captain *grins gleefully*. This is angsty but not as heavy as you'd expect. Very spicy but sweet. Definitely give this a try.

The Sound of Lightning by LycheeGreenTea. Rated M, * and -. Ackerbabies? Ackerbaby. This cute but action packed WIP is such a worthy check out. There's something about Daddy!Levi and Mommy!Mikasa that eats at my rm heart. Another take on a post war au that leaves you wanting more. A spicy scene and some domestic fluff is all you need to want more from this author.

After The War by loneackerman (aka the wonderful @rivaille-13) Rated M, * and -. THIS STORY. Anyone who is reading this can attest to just how amazing the plot and development of these characters are. There's a delicious slow burn element to it, and it's recently been resolved...let me tell you, worth the wait. Author is almost done with the fic I believe, but please check this story out. It's one of the best post war canon healing au's out there.

Same Old Thing by Raewyll. Rated M, * and -. Did someone say underground adventure? This was one of the best stories I had the pleasure of following along for a while now. I think the author has one more chapter left over. This is great for those who want something kind of spicy but not too spicy. The tension, plot, and action are all still there though.

I am from a burning village by @valya-azucena. Rated M and -, possible *. There's so much I want to say about this fic but can't coherently describe how amazing it is. The tension and build up of these characters is so SO good, and I screamed at the last update. 10/10.

Inexorable by @alienheartattack. Rated T and +. Hello modern au! I devoured this fic during work shamelessly. It's short and sweet, and there's just something so hot about the secretary/boss trope that eats me up.

Paths in Constellations by LamentableBrat. Rated E, * and -. HOLY SMOKES. This fic has torn me apart, y'all. When I tell you I cried AND am hotly bothered, no one else can do this but this author. It's an incredible fic and am so excited to see where it goes.

Soldiers Don't Get Happy Endings by heretosayhello. Rated T and -. I had to do a double take when I saw this was rated T because holy heck, this author just writes the tension between them like no other. There's a lot of Ackertalk and new plot lines I'm incredibly jealous of that I didn't think of first. SO GOOD.

Deep Sea Running by @linaxlight (shameless self plug). Rated E, *, and +. Post canon AU of what happens when the old Levi squad comes back to Paradis Island. Everyone else seems to have moved on three years after the ending of the war, and they make their peace saying goodbye to Eren. But Mikasa chose to stay behind back then, and she'll need to face Levi eventually. Sequel has Ackerbabies because I love them.

That's all for now folks! I'll do a part 2 next time.

[transmanrayner]

Chapter 2!

Roman's POV:

I looked around as I worked on the new project that Thomas wanted me to work on as Logic planned out our day. I was used to this, Logic always did this even though I'm pretty sure he knew that no one ever follows it. He's usually pretty upset about it, but he always seems to forget about it by the next morning and we start the whole routine over again. Morality made pancakes every Monday, French Toast every Tuesday. On Wednesday's (like today), he let us choose. "So kiddos, what should we have for breakfast?" I smile a little and look up from my work.

"Can we have-" I'm cut off by Logic when he rolls his eyes and speaks over me. 

"Nonsense Creativity, that is full of too many calories and we need brain food to help Thomas' thoughts remain coherent. I suggest that we eat vanilla yogurt flavored with added fruits, such as strawberries and blueberries. Creativity, please summon some from the imagination." I sigh softly, but knowing I won't be able to do what I wanted, I summon the berries and yogurt as I'm told into 3 bowls, each flavored depending on how we like it best. 

"Logic, what are you going to do today?" 

"I am going to help Thomas to create a budget for the next two weeks, as it says on the schedule. I have scheduled something for each of you to do as well. Morality, you will help with the schedule, as there are some moral contributions to this that you could make. Creativity, continue with the project I gave you, then practice your lines somewhere you won't disturb us." I deflate at his answer, but nod a little and get up, as I had finished my breakfast long before now. 

"Yeah, alright. I'm going to the imagination." Then I sunk out to the imagination, immediately changing automatically into my more princely outfit. Everyone in my castle immediately snaps to attention and he smiled softly. "Hello everyone. Anything we need to do for today?" My advisor, Alexander, follows me as we start walking around, fixing any problems that had happened, like the walls cracking or staining, adding in a window when I want one. 

"Well sire, first we have the citizens that would like to give you gifts, to thank you for saving from the dreaded dragon witch. Then we have a walk through the garden to calm your mind. Lastly, we have planning for the ball that you said would be in 2 days. Just the finishing touches and making sure the ballroom looks up to your standards my liege." I nod a little and hesitate before I ask a question softly. 

"Is it alright if I take a walk through the garden now as well...? Do we have time?" Alexander's gaze softs and he smiles softly. 

"Of course my liege, I will notify the people. Did something happen?" He seems to notice when my smile falters and he quickly rushes to cheer me up. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to sire! We just got some new flowers in that I think you'll quite enjoy, we wanted to know where you thought to put them. You always have an eye for things like that." I smile again, though it is a bit more forced. 

"It's alright Alexander, you've been my best friend for years. Of course I'll explain it to you. Please take me to where the flowers are." As we walk, I explain what happened this morning and he listens, not butting in and injecting his opinion, which I have always appreciated him for. Once I'm done, I look to him to let him know I am and he thinks. 

"Well, perhaps they just do not understand my liege, they may he your friends, but they aren't mind readers. You could perhaps sit them down when you all have free time and talk to them one-on-one about what is bothering you." I chuckle and look up at the ceiling in melancholy. 

"I wish I could, but we hardly have any free time anymore. Logic thinks much less of me then I thought. He gave each of us time to operate and do what we needed to do. I got less time then it takes to brush your teeth." Alexander growls softly in anger, but tries to stay calm. 

"I wish I could leave this land so that I could talk to him, he needs to know that that was the wrong thing to do." I shrug as we walk out to the garden. He just sighs softly. "You really should start standing up for yourself. The flowers are by the border, we thought we should put up more of a barrier against the Duke, because these flowers provide a shield." I nod and start toward the border of Intrusive Thoughts and my kingdoms, then I hear a scream and I instinctively shield Alexander as someone falls from Intrusive Thoughts' side of the imagination. The other man falls through the hedge and is caught on a branch as he shakes and breathes heavily. I scan him for threats, but then see the blood on him and my own blood runs cold. I look to Alexander and nod a little. 

"Get the ladder and a gurney!" I yell, then run to him to make sure he's okay as he passes out. Alexander nods and leaves to get help as I curse softly. "Come on mystery person, stay with me."

//tags!

@transformationloveb

[theghostnugget]

Fist Fights as a Form of Flirting 2

Reminder: this is all completely out of order and you don't need to read one to understand the others. I'm writing the scenes I've imagined most vividly first and once I have a coherent plot I'll turn it into an actual fic on AO3 - Until now enjoy my random scenes 😘

Takes place between the fights with Rinku and Chu and the fight with Team Ishigaki (you know that episode where Yusuke’s Spirit Gun isn’t working, and they watch Team Toguro fuck that other team up? It happens sometimes around then... after some research I've found out it's episode 33 lol)

Alternate Title: Hiei and Yusuke’s first kiss

Yusuke was pissed. Which, to be fair, wasn’t that unusual – He was pissed most of the time. But usually, it was about things like school or his mom or Keiko. Today he was pissed at himself. He’d been firing his Spirit Gun for ages and now that it was actually important, he was fucking up. No matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn’t work. He was embarrassed to say he was taking out his anger at himself on his team. Snapping at Kuwabara, Kurama, and Hiei every time one of them tried to speak to him. Eventually, Hiei had enough.

“Detective.” He said, his tone as vaguely pissed at the world as always. He said nothing else but jerked his head towards the door and headed out in a clear invitation for Yusuke to follow. He did so, grumbling the whole way until Hiei finally stopped at a clearing in the woods and started fussing with his top belt.

“Hiei, as romantic as all this is, I feel like a hookup would be easier in the hotel. Less bugs, ya’know?” He teased, earning a death glare.

“You’ve been a brat all day because you’re pissed.” Hiei began, finally unhooking his sheath and sword from his belt to toss it aside. “I’m sure you’re too stupid to handle the problem so this is the only way to get some peace and quiet.” With that, he disappeared from where he was standing, and Yusuke just managed to dodge the punch sent his way. As the fight progressed, Yusuke was equal parts glad that Hiei never brought out his energy and embarrassed that Hiei might know he couldn’t access his.

A long sweaty hour passed this way, both boys giving as good a beating as they were taking, and by the time they were out of breath Yusuke was actually having fun. The frustration had left him, and all that remained was the strange thought that fighting with Hiei was so much more fun than fighting anyone else. There was just something about the fiery little bitch that got Yusuke fired up himself.

Eventually, though, all good things come to an end. In this case, the end was Yusuke pinning Hiei on his back to the grass. He was beaming down at his conquered prey with all the overconfidence he’d spent his life projecting when he finally realized their positions. He was sitting on Hiei’s hips and bent over to hold his wrists (though he loosened his grip on them when Hiei winced) which left their faces really close together. Close enough that Yusuke could see the flecks of orange and gold in Hiei’s blood red eyes, and close enough that Yusuke couldn’t help realizing just how gorgeous Hiei looked all grumpy and out of breath.

Now, it goes without saying that sometimes Yusuke does things without thinking, but perhaps the most dangerous thing he’s ever done without thinking is lean down to press his lips against the pouty pair below him. Even the chaste kiss made Yusuke feel different than he’d ever felt before. Maybe it was just because he’d never kissed another guy (though to be fair, he’d only ever kissed Keiko one time to see what the whole deal about kissing was – they’d both been underwhelmed), but he was pretty sure it was more about the heat rolling off Hiei and the shockingly soft noise it had startled out of him.

He only realized what he was done when he felt Hiei tense up beneath him. He jerked away with a gasp, scrabbling off Hiei’s lap only to end up on his ass in front of him. “Shit!” He licked his lips nervously and was flustered that he could still taste Hiei on them. “Shit. I’m so fucking sorry.” He apologized as Hiei sat up, looking slightly dazed.

The look disappeared to make place for irritation. He moved towards Yusuke, who closed his eyes expecting the punch in the mouth he felt he deserved when he was surprised by a clawed hand gripping the back of his neck. “Moron…” Hiei grumbled as he dragged Yusuke’s lips back to his.

[scfttwice]

think of me

> jeongyeon's hiatus puts jina into another bad day, but her members, including jeongyeon herself, plan to turn that around.

mina's hiatus was hard on the entirety of the group. after nearly four years of being idols together, it was the first time they had to do a concert, attend schedules, and promote their comeback as nine members instead of ten for such an extended period. the absence of a single member might have seemed trivial, but it sure did leave an impact on the fans, the staff, and the rest of twice especially. although they understood that it was what was best for mina, they missed her terribly. so when she finally returned, everyone was ecstatic.

they didn't expect another member hiatus to happen so soon.

as someone who was there to experience the emptiness of twice without mina and understood perfectly how it affected the group, jeongyeon made the decision to take her own hiatus with a heavy heart. she had discussed it with jihyo beforehand, then with the agency, and finally with her other members. they were devastated, to say the least, but they knew a break was what jeongyeon needed and deserved, so they supported her choice nonetheless.

they were going to wait for her, no matter what.

jina, as she had done with mina, spent the first day without jeongyeon sulking. they were in the midst of practicing in preparation for promoting their next comeback which was just around the corner, and while the general mood of the practice room was gloomy, jina displayed it the most.

she didn't talk to anyone that day. she just practiced, and practiced, and practiced, as if she was using it as a distraction from the lack of one person in the room, until her chest was heaving for air. her members, albeit concerned, knew not to approach her yet. she had been in a similar state before, back when mina wasn't around. they understood that she needed time, so that was what they were giving her.

when they returned to their dorms late that night, only then did jina's exhaustion hit her. after quickly washing up, she went straight into her room and fell onto her bed, letting her soft blanket engulf her. with a deep sigh, she turned her head to face the wall.

there, leaning against the wall right next to her, was the stuffed dinosaur toy jeongyeon had given her years ago. she reached out to pick up the toy and observe it, smiling crookedly as she recalled the memory.

“jina, look! i got you something,” jeongyeon had announced one day after she returned to the dorms from an outing with her older sister, seungyeon. jina curiously accepted the paper bag from jeongyeon and peeked inside, smiling widely as she pulled out a stuffed dinosaur from it. “it's so cute!” she exclaimed while hugging the toy tightly to her chest.

“i figured you'd like it,” jeongyeon said with a chuckle of amusement from watching the maknae. “i thought it was fitting since you call me dino unnie a lot these days. so whenever you'd look at it or hug it, you'd think of me. and remember that no matter what happens, i'll always be by your side.”

another sigh escaped jina's lips, before she pulled the toy to her chest, hugging it tightly. “i miss you,” she muttered against the soft fabric of the toy. then suddenly, she heard the ding of a notification come from her phone. she picked it up from her nightstand and saw that it was a text message from dahyun.

“jina, come on out. let's have dinner,” the text read.

in all honesty, jina did not feel like eating, even though she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast many hours ago except for an energy bar during lunch break earlier. ironically she was the one who often reminded her members to eat their meals, but she couldn't help it, she simply lacked the appetite to consume any proper food.

however, she figured she had avoided her members enough for the day, and might as well go and talk to dahyun, chaeyoung, and tzuyu even if she didn't want to eat.

her whole body felt heavier than usual as she pushed herself off of her bed and walked out of her room to make her way to the living room of the dorm she shared with the other maknae's. she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion when she picked up the sound of loud chatter coming from up ahead. stepping out of the hallway, her eyes widened in surprise when she reached her destination to find all eight of the rest of twice there.

all kinds of food were set up on the coffee table, ranging from tteokbokki to gejang, along with two large bottles of cola. the girls, who were just starting to pass around plates and utensils, sat around the table, with an empty spot saved for jina between momo and tzuyu. and across from the empty spot, nayeon sat holding her phone...

...with jeongyeon on a video call.

“jina, there you are!” chaeyoung exclaimed happily when she saw jina standing by the hallway, drawing the others' attention to the korean-japanese girl as well. “come on, sit,” momo invited her while patting the floor between herself and tzuyu.

although she was still trying to process what was happening, jina wordlessly shuffled towards her group and sat down in her designated spot. her eyes immediately fell on nayeon, or more accurately, the phone she was holding.

“hi, jina! i was wondering where you were!” jeongyeon greeted from the other end of the video call. jina could clearly see her on the screen, as she smiled widely and held up a hand to give a small wave. “dino unnie...” jina managed to breathe out, swallowing back a sob. she was feeling a tiny bit overwhelmed by being able to see her unnie after such a draining day.

“hey, jag-eun yong, i hope you're not beating yourself up like you did the last time,” jeongyeon said, her tone serious but her voice soft and gentle. “i'm gonna be fine, you know i'm a tough girl, right? i'll be back before you know it...so don't worry too much, okay? plus, you can always call me whenever you miss me. or...or hug your jeonggeu.”

jina wasn't able to form a coherent sentence, so instead of verbally answering, she nodded in response, all the while holding back tears. jina didn't want jeongyeon worrying about her, especially if it's because she's worried about jeongyeon. “that's my good dragon.”

“i heard you didn't eat much today,” jeongyeon continued. “so let's eat dinner together. all ten of us.”

with that, tzuyu passed jina a plate, and the nine girls in the dorm began to dig into the food, while jeongyeon ate her own at her place. with jeongyeon staying on the phone throughout the entire time, the ten of them were able to enjoy their meal and talk together, as if all ten of them weren't apart in the first place.

i nearly forgot to post this

this one doesn't touch on the topic of anxiety as much as the mina one, but still if anyone thinks this shouldn't be posted please let me know.