#one day i won't feel the need to defend my opinions on the internet

[azaharinflames]

For me I don’t think Lou is some little uwu that needs defending. However I do not see how you can have someone you know getting heinous death threats and just…..say nothing? I’ve seen random people on the internet defend their moots better than this show defends their actors. Idk I know if I had a coworker who was getting harassed, I would be saying something but maybe that’s not everyone. As well I have been feeling this way for a long time with how the reoccurring love interests get treated on this show so it doesn’t start and stop with Lou.

Hi, Nonnie! Thanks for the ask.

I have to agree with you, which is why I say I won't lie and say I like how no one said a thing.

There is a part of my brain, a bit more cold-minded, that tries to remind me that we don't know the full extent, that perhaps the support was shown in real life and that maybe even Lou didn't want the hate to be brought up. At the end of the day we don't know, and I don't want to assume. And I also remember what they always say about not bringing attention to the hate, because that's like fueling the fire almost.

However. I think there comes a time where there needs to be an exception to the rule. A line that, if it's ever crossed, it should be brought up.

Sorry for putting yet another example, but in the Percy Jackson fandom, there is a pretty good one. When they cast Annabeth, previously described in the books as a white, blonde girl, and the actress was Leah Jeffries, a young woman of color (back then a young teenager), the outrage was insane. Leah is literally perfect as Annabeth, yet she was constantly attacked (and still is). And you know what? They stood by her. The author of the saga continually defends her and his choice to have her play Annabeth.

And it's not about race in this particular case, but we're talking about harassment, being called slurs, and being sent death threats, for God's sake. I understand not wanting too much attention on the issue, I understand not wanting chaos, but I also think many, many lines were crossed.

And I believe that if nothing is done in these cases, the only thing they're achieving is cultivating a very toxic community and environment. A warning in the IG comments does next to nothing. Moderating does next to nothing. And it's like you said, it isn't just Lou, they've done this to nearly all LIs, and they will continue to do this until the show ends.

911 should've called out this issue long ago, in my opinion, and I think now they're at a point where they honestly don't know what to do about it because they've let it grow too damn big.

Anyway, sorry for ranting again. My inbox is open for anyone who wants to rant, vent, or discuss something <3

[karlachismylife]

I woke up (was sleeping cuz I spent the night crying over fucking higher math, might go back to sleep for a little bit more cuz I don't wanna face the world and am still tired) and saw that my Russian words post was reblogged by a bunch more people I respect and look up to (that also happened in one previous wave of popularity that post gained a day or two ago). And like, first of all, I am intimidated by being perceived by people so way out of my league. Second, this definitely shows that there's a writing circle in this fandom of very talented writers and it's not that big. And while my ego definitely wants to somehow worm my way into that circle to be with the cool kids, I very much understand what a chasm separates my writing and their writing, so it makes me feel self-conscious about it again. Especially because I spent last days writing absolute silliness and all these people manage to write incredibly gripping, emotional and deep things. Like very psychological and smart and clever. And finally, I am a little scared to be seen on that scale and by some of those people, because they are so opinionated + well-spoken + have quite clear standpoints. And I am scared to be seen with my potentially problematic/bad/shallow character interpretations and very shallow texts. Cuz I won't be able to back it up substantially, won't be able to defend why I don't write deep enough/why I don't put in more effort/why I mischaracterize the characters so much. What if I actually wrote something problematic. I never intended to, but I might have just done not enough research and self-education. Or something. I don't know.

Obviously I am not actually visible on that scale, it's just one post with writing aid, none of my works reached those people. But what if. I am not smart, and I am immature, and I don't really have anything meaningful to offer. I am usually fine with this, like, I do believe there are also needed stories about raccoons being befriended through the power of cartoons and apple slices, or short fluff pieces with no plot other than two people loving each other and kissing. I am usually pretty comfortable in this niche.

But right now I just got such a strong wave if anxiety. And I know this is just a corner of the internet where no one even could name my full name and I have no chances of meeting any of you irl. But this is a place I want to belong to. I wanna be in the fandom, and I wanna be someone people know as, well, maybe the hyena CEO, or maybe as the fluff gorilla, or - my dream - as Karlach x Soap weirdo. Like. I wanna share what I have with people and be accepted. I feel so very grateful every time I get the feeling of being accepted from notifications, or messages, or asks, or anything. When people show interest and enjoy my things. I am anxious to lose it in case I turn out to be not good enough (which is the motto of my life). I'm pretty chill about being not good enough for many things, it's just facts and well, that's just me. But when it's about something I really really wanna be a part of, like the community here, this scares me, because this failure will hurt like a hundred others didn't.

I'm sorry for ranting, I might delete this later, I see the new asks guys and I will be trying to write something today, I just woke up and I'm a mess and it's not a real problem but it just made me cry for a moment. I'm okay, I'll be fine, I know I'm here to just enjoy myself and hope other people will too, so I'm not like going into hiding or anything. Just needed to say this, cuz whenever there's "fandom discourse" I am so scared I'm actually part of whatever problem people are discussing. And stuff. Yeah gonna go have a cup of tea and sleep a bit or at least lie down. I'm sweaty, temperature regulation is not a thing my body is good at, lmao.

Love you all so much, eternally grateful for all the love and attention I receive from you comrades. It feels incredible, today is just an anxious day.

[aajjks]

To that anonymous coward who keeps pestering Alina and saying that she doesn't deserve Jungkook:

Listen up and listen well.

Do you think you deserve Jungkook, you asshole? If so, sorry to break it to you, but very few people do, and you're definitely not one of them. He deserves someone with a heart of gold just like him. He deserves someone that won't hurt other people's feelings, because he would certainly never do that intentionally. He deserves someone that knows how to keep their cool and stay chilled, instead of lashing out on the internet.

Imagine what Jungkook would think if he saw you pestering Alina. You should be ashamed of yourself. You sound like a spoiled brat whose mother didn't teach them manners. And if your mother tried teaching you manners, she clearly didn't succeed, so I pity her. (Sorry if you take that as an insult to your mother. I don't intend to stoop as low as you.)

What would Jungkook do in your situation, huh? If he saw something that he didn't like on the internet, he wouldn't be bothered by it. He would just keep scrolling and move on with his life. He doesn't care about his haters, to the point that he doesn't even bother to sue them. So why are you so bothered with a blog on Tumblr?

I'm sure you've heard about that person who spread false rumors and spoke shit about Taehyung. Yeah, well, they're sitting with a lawsuit on their hands and pleading for forgiveness at the moment. They were trying to be a big bad bully, but now they're probably sitting somewhere fearing for their life in the future because they don't want a criminal record to prevent them from studies and jobs. They tried to wreck someone else's reputation before considering the consequences on their own.

Alina might not sue you, although it would be entirely reasonable if she did. You totally deserve it at this point, after all you've said and done. You're hiding under the banner of anonymity, so she couldn't sue you even if she wanted to. Regardless, I wouldn't blame her if she did want to. Even if she had the chance to, and chose to show mercy on you for some weird but admirable reason, you're still heading down a similar destructive path with the attitude that you currently have. I suggest that you take some time to reflect on how you're affecting another person's life before something drastic happens in your life and you find yourself dealing with a legal case. Rather learn the easy way now, before life has to teach you the hard way. Learn now while you're just harassing some strangers on the internet, before your immaturity costs you in your real personal capacity.

It's going to come back to you in some form of karma, just try and minimize the severity of it while you still stand a chance. One day, you'll regret it. So start regretting it now and have some human decency to leave Alina alone and let her be. It's her blog. She can do what she wants to with it. Let her feel comfortable in her own space just like she's made us feel so welcome. Stop looking at her blog if it makes you frustrated.

If you're so hell bent on 'Alina not deserving Jungkook' and insisting that she 'deletes every trace of him off her blog,' then I'm guessing that you probably have some sort of obsession or possessiveness over the real Jungkook based on your obvious need to defend or protect him in your own psychotic way. If you don't find yourself emotionally attached to him (which I'd find hard to believe), then, surely you have some form of awareness about Jungkook. Not a fictional Jungkook. The real one that doesn't give a fuck. One that let's haters be and doesn't retaliate against him.

I'm not saying that Alina is a hater. She is not. She's an amazing, creative and caring soul that would be so sweet and nice to you if you didn't try to bring her down all the time. However, if for some reason, you see Alina as a hater in your opinion (which in my opinion, she is not), just take Jungkook's example and move on with your life.

Even if Alina were guilty of all the things you accuse her of like being a hater (which she's not), just move on with your life. Please. Thank you.

I hope you find peace or go fuck off. Either one will do. Whether you come around, change your attitude, join the party and actually participate and have fun on this blog, or whether you go cry and curl up in a hole with the guilt and embarrassment of what you've done, either one will do the trick. The job is done if you bid farewell to your current attitude. People have the capability to change, so rather change for the good, because surely you weren't born this bitter.

So, for whichever one you choose, good riddance or welcome to the family bitch!

Oh my goodness, you have no idea how happy I am right now at least some people are intelligent on this blog, let me clarify something because a lot of people are misunderstanding.

I do not hate him I can never. I guess that I used to have a crush on him and it was hard for me to deal with all of the changes but I’m slowly starting to get used to them and I’m trying my best because I know it is very immature of me to be behave like that and I’m ashamed of my behavior.

But this bitch keeps on bothering me. I fucking hate this anonymous bitch. There are obsessed with the idea of me being obsessed with him.

I shouldn’t have to clarify anything to anyone. This is so frustrating and trust me if I could sue this person I would I’m still looking for ways to do that though.

Maybe one day I’ll find something and teach them a good fucking lesson.

It’s really easy for people to hide behind anonymity and threaten others, it’s very very easy I could do that too. I mean I could just turn the anon button off and they would fuck off.

Which i choose not to do because I know a lot of people love to interact with me behind the protection of anonymity. But I do not like being lectured on how I should react to something.

I’m working on my flaws.

I love you so much. Thank you for taking our time for writing all of this and sending this to me. Your support means so much to me. I appreciate you so much. I’ll always remember this.

[alwida10]

Hi. I'm not sure what's going on right now, I just saw you had a mean anon lately and it seems you're going through hard times.

I will admit I've definitively made some assumptions about you and not always been the nicest when discussing some posts of yours with friends. But just because I found some things you said offensive doesn't mean I think you are a bad person. Words we say often take a life of their own in other poeple's head. Also anger and hurt makes us all agressive and without a filter. On both sides.

There is a lot of gossip in the Loki fandom, but behind the vitriol, some poeple care about you and are genuinely worried when things seem hard. Whether it's about you or other "antis" recieving hate anons (sadly the whole point of anons is that we'll never know for sure who sent them). We're also not stupid, a lot of poeple who are angry have been through hell in their life and healing will always be far more important than fandom wank.

I just wanted to say you deserve to feel safe and to have a space where you can express yourself, even if it won't make everyone happy. Poeple are free to block you, or ignore your posts if they end up in their recommended section. Nothing has ever been achieve with hate and petty games.

Sending you my best wishes.

A cowardly anon ^^

Thank you! This message made me cry, in a good way. 💚 thank you for your kindness!

And yes, you are right in many ways. We never know who the anons are, and I admit that in my mind I tend to conflate them, assuming most are from one single person, who just never knows when to stop.

When I first came to tumblr, I found the anon-function weird. I thought “we are on the internet. We are already anonymous!”, but I guess that’s not entirely true. While this sphere is (more or less) separated from our offline life, nobody is free from expectations of their mutuals, followers, and even critics. And since we all get trained to act according to the expectations people have, some things would never get said without the anon function. But being anonymous brings forth how we really are in that moment. And hurt, stress or rage has made me say bad things in the past, too. That said, at most times I DO mourn the split in the fandom, and I am aware that echo chambers make opinions grow more extreme. So, should you come across something I have written which is offensive, please let me know, so I can check if I’m a victim of my own rage once more, worded things badly, or applied faulty reasoning. You can always point me this post if you fear a harsh answer, so I will remember I, too, was gifted with kindness.

I am sure we all just wished the fandom wasn’t so torn apart and everyone could thrive in the community. I admit, the only other fandom I participated in was supernatural, so my expertise isn’t the best, but I would bet any day that the Loki fandom is full of people who take strength from his story for their own healing and growth. So, in a way it’s even more heartbreaking that there is so much fighting about him. Because interpretations of his motives and morality are never just that. They can always be perceived as an invalidation of another person’s suffering or healing or hopes. And while you might be able to cope with an attack of an fictional story, an attack of one’s trauma or hope is much more personal.

So, yeah. It’s always better to take a step back, remember this isn’t about oneself alone, and that beyond the screen other people are humans, too, and deserve the benefit of a doubt. 💚

Also, i kinda think it’s a shame there is so little communication between the “two sides”. The last debate opened a new perspective for me, and helped me to put some things back into context. Sometimes I wish for a friend on “the other side” to discuss things in a appreciative way, where no one tries to convince the other or feels the need to defend their view. Just a comparison of perspectives, to open up new points nobody considered yet. There could be a lot of cool meta buried there. But alas, I guess the topic is too close to the heart for most of us, and I don’t exclude myself there.

[nina-kecmanovic]

Hey!

I just ate a lumberjack burger. After this sentence, perhaps you can guess what country I come from. It is certainly a Slavic country. The lumberjack burger is only available in the winter and is kind of an annual hit. Today my younger brother bought it for me when they were coming back from the gynecologist with their girlfriend. It turned out that the brother's girlfriend has rubella,which is supposedly very dangerous for the baby. At least such information I found on the Internet. It may even come to good things that I do not want to write about here,as if they could bring misfortune on the child, so I will leave it to myself. I just hope that nothing of what I have read will come true.

It's been two days since my brother and his girlfriend wanted to take me out for that burger, but unfortunately my fear of riding in the car with them was stronger. Stronger than even my remorse. I am not afraid of them as people. I like them both very much, only that I know that my brother drives like a madman. In addition, with my fears, I would be left alone in the car. Even if it didn't have to happen. I feel very bad about this,because I like them very much, and they probably think that I don't want to spend time with them. And this is completely wrong! Totally do not know how to break it. I want to make it up to them in any way, if only by being very nice to them at home. I even washed my brother's phone, even though the phone in question was all in oil. For that I decided not to lend in as much money as usual. They are cool, but they practically live off my money and my mom's.

I hope they will stand on their own two feet a bit. I think they even need to, since they will have a child. After all, the brother is getting his TIR license to earn more, although in my opinion he could already be working since he already has his truck license. Nevertheless, I hope they will succeed. That the brother will find a good job. I feel a little bad about writing such private things about them. Maybe it's silly, but nevertheless I want to be honest to the bone here. This is supposed to be an honest diary. Besides, it's written in English, so I doubt anyone around them will find it. And even if they do I will suffer the consequences, but I certainly won't stop writing. Be it here or any other diary. I always come back to writing whether it's a novel or a diary. I guess it's my nature now, even if I take rather long breaks from it all.

And so. My brother and his girlfriend got back together. Already on Monday evening. I remember that on Monday afternoon especially with the Assistant we went for a walk, even though it was really terribly cold, it was raining,I still went for a walk in my wheelchair to tell her everything, so that the distraught brother did not have to hear it. We both admitted that my brother's girlfriend was right,and we found my mother's behavior a bit ridiculous. She should understand her,because she went through exactly the same thing with my father. Or maybe it's just that her psyche is so twisted that she can't see any other more correct attitude than her own? Well, and lately my mother has been defending my father quite a lot Despite the fact that she is the one cheating on him. Does she feel remorse?

I guess I too feel remorse for describing it all so accurately. Maybe it's just my overthinking before my period? I always have a tendency to do that,and before my period it's even more so. Now my period is late for the 13th day, even though I seem to have all my period symptoms except my period itself, which is bleeding. According to my paid physiotherapist (for ease of reference, let's call her Evie), it's all a reaction to stress. After all, there has been an unusually large amount going on in my life lately. The whole story with my mother's lover,and then there was that brother's party. Fortunately, this week has been calmer,and I hope it stays that way. I hope that with these words I don't raise a wolf from the forest. I don't like myself for this tendency to think negatively!

As for mom, I'll also add that yesterday the assistant drove me to Evie for physiotherapy. Mom asked that if the assistant was in a second-hand store to buy her a green sweater. Specifically, a green one. Mom has been wearing a lot of green lately. Even her nails are painted that color. Could it be her lover's favorite color? At least that's what we determined during the car ride with the Assistant. I love our conversations. Especially about this lover. I feel it has brought us closer in a big way. I know this may sound a little pathetic, especially since she is being paid to spend time with me, but maybe it really means that we are friends?

After all, we also talk about other things, just like today and it's fun! On the other hand, I don't want to fall into the same trap I fell into with my relationship with A and J. I also thought they were my friends and it worked out like it did. Stop the negative thoughts! I know I was not supposed to plan what I write, but, on the other hand, I don't want to fall into a spiral of negative emotions and feelings. I hope my writing doesn't become too artificial. If it does, I apologize, even though no one reads it. However, I would feel bad about it in front of myself. My apologies.

💮💮💮💮

I don't know whether to start describing from today or Thursday. Apparently it would be nice to start from today,because I remember more, and I guess this will be the best solution, although of course I have a guilty conscience that there will be gaps in the chronology. I guess I will actually have this period soon.

This is today for probably the billionth time that my state physiotherapist did not come to see me.(Let's call him Milo)This is not the first time. It's not even the tenth or twentieth time. There is rarely a week in which he doesn't miss at least one exercise a week! Me and the Assistant (yes, our suspicions again) suspect that he is cancelling physiotherapy with me to take care of his patients at his private practice which he set up sometime in October. Milo says he doesn't have many, although my Assistant says that perhaps he is just lying and has quite a few private patients.

I wonder if she might be right, or is she overly suspicious as Evie claims?

The end of the story is that Milo didn't come today because apparently at 4:30 pm he had a patient an hour away from me. Then why didn't he come earlier? After all, he knew very well that I had time,because I had already written him on Wednesday that the assistant would be there today exceptionally at 11.00 am. So he had plenty of time to arrange his schedule. Nevertheless, it worked out again to my disadvantage, as usual. Maybe he is serious about some private patients? Or maybe I'm not his priority what does he know that I also have physiotherapy and Evie? If it weren't for this constant cancellation of exercises by Milo I would be fighting to get a new referral from the doctor for physiotherapy on the health fund. And so I don't know what to think myself. I guess I'm a little annoyed with Milo,because I often feel like a second-choice person in my life. In contrast, I've never felt that way as a patient. I think this is the first time in my life that a physiotherapist has ignored me that much, while being nice in every interaction with me. He even apologized. However, was it sincere? I'd like to know what's in his brain.

💮💮💮💮💮

Before I describe the rest of my day to I must note that my mother is unusually sober today. I guess it means she is going to see this lover of hers tomorrow. Or maybe she has no money? All in all, father is also necessarily sober because he didn't get a beer. However, since she hasn't been drinking now it means she will go to see him somehow in the daytime because if she were to go to his place for the night she would be drinking beers now,because she would probably go tomorrow night. Besides, even if she did, I would feel safer,because after all, my brother promised not to drink. And what if mom goes to him for the weekend as planned? Well no, I don't think she would leave me for two days, especially when my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. On the other hand, mom was washing her head today. What if since she didn't drink today to she will drink heavily tomorrow and the day after?

Okay,I'm winding myself up about I'm sick of this topic. I'll describe the rest of the day before the writing for today gets sick of me. I hate myself for being able to put such a seed of anxiety in my mind.

💮💮💮💮

Today's time with the assistant went quite well, even though it was held in my room, so that meant we wouldn't talk about my brother's girlfriend's pregnancy, let alone my mother's lover. Although we managed to convey a little in whispers, albeit nothing important, because it didn't stick in my memory. Today there was a little less walking on the treadmill than usual because I only walked twice. One session lasted 16 minutes and the other only 1 minute. The assistant didn't walk at all, but she has had a cough for a couple of weeks. I wrote to her a while ago and it came out that she has mycoplasma. Apparently it's a very common virus now. I hope she didn't infect me, let alone my brother's girlfriend. I even wanted to write her something about this rubella, but I don't want to spoil her evening, especially since she has some kind of party tomorrow. I wonder if mom will go somewhere too? After all, she asked for a sweater.

Okay, end of topic. Back to the time spent with the assistant.

We had a lot of fun today. Yes, I know this is unlike me, yet I also know how to laugh. Even now, even though I'm coughing and hope I haven't been infected. Although the seed of anxiety has been planted and probably by my PMS is still only growing more powerful. I wish I could describe the positive situations in my life as accurately as the negative ones.

And what were we laughing so hard about? From the b Facebook profile, which was dedicated to matrimonial ads of ladies from Russia and Ukraine who would like to meet men from my country. We laughed at the shoddy content of the ads as well as the kinky, excessively erotic photos of the ladies. I know it's lowbrow entertainment, but we had a straightforwardly great time. We quickly discovered the same descriptions,only with different photos of completely different people appear on other sites. It didn't take me long to figure out that they were just plain scammers. Unfortunately, I didn't check if they all had the same internal page linked,but they probably did. Even if they don't,they are probably scamming money from horny guys. And I didn't feel sorry for them, on the contrary, it amused me and the assistant.

Looking through these profiles, we noticed in the market place there is a walker for sale. I must admit that we were foolish enough to think that it was very similar to the one imported from Sweden, which the girl in the Center had.

Even the Assistant exchanged text messages with the saleswoman, although totally neither of us had any idea how to do it. We even had an arrangement with my younger brother that he would pick up the walker. In the end, my mother put on her glasses and said that this walker had nothing to do with the one imported from Sweden. We had to admit she was right when we looked again at the picture of this walker from Sweden. Apparently, the one from the marketplace I could even get from the health fund,and only add some small amount from myself. We were able to compare the photos at first. The end of the day we did not buy this walker. My brother doesn't have to go for it.

I hope the Assistant doesn't get even sicker or that I don't get sicker,because it's supposed to be six degrees on Monday and it's supposed to be sunny, so we would go out for a walk in a wheelchair.

💮💮💮💮

Okay, last segment to report today. Yesterday, Evie and I were supposed to go to McDonald's for a lumberjack burger. At the last minute Evie changed her mind. We went to the mall. Her argument was that it's better to buy Christmas gifts earlier rather than later. So that in the last week of December we wouldn't be running around the stores like crazy in the midst of an also crazy crowd of people.

As for the gifts,there are four big closed boxes in the hallway of Evie's office. Evie says these are for us patients, although they will not be office equipment for physiotherapy. I suspect that these are gifts for St. Nicholas Day or Christmas.

There were often years in which Evie often gave us something for St. Nicholas Day, albeit it was small things,and now these boxes are huge. I wonder what she bought? Maybe each gift is personalized? Or maybe they are not gifts?

She also wanted to give me and then another patient her homemade nuggests that she hadn't eaten the day before. Neither naa was willing enough.

I hate shopping. It's probably because I'm sensory hypersensitive, so places like this for people like me are hell. Maybe that's why I don't like shopping? Anyway, I never know what to buy. I don't feel the need to buy myself anything. When I buy gifts it's even worse. I guess I just don't like spending money on someone. I have to admit to myself that I don't understand why I give gifts to others. I understand it logically, yet I can't understand it emotionally. Is this another Asperger's trait or am I just pushing the diagnosis on myself? I even asked Evie while shopping why I might not like them. Even when she hit me with one of the many reasons to I was too ashamed to admit that actually she is right and I also just don't like spending money on someone who is not me. It's terrible to be such a selfish person. Am I one?

Although if I already have to go shopping I like to do it with Evie,because she will do everything for me. She'll pick out things, sometimes even pay. Sometimes it bothers me that we buy things according to her taste, but not this time I totally had no idea what to buy it,fortunately, she chose for me. This time na paid for my purchases. We didn't buy everything, although at least I know what to buy for my brother's girlfriend and my other brother's wife - they both want books, so I'll just order them the titles they want.

Despite Evie's help, my assistant and I had some laughs at Evie's over-the-top feminine approach to life. Evie fulfills the stereotype of the typical woman. Am I a bad person if this amuses me?

Evie also told me that if I were choosing a gift for my mother at the time, I would probably buy it with a smile on my lips. This is another of the many moments where I feel like Evie doesn't know me,even though we've known each other for ten years. I've never been close with my mom,and certainly not after everything that happened recently. Buying gifts for her has never been something super fun for me, any more than buying gifts for anyone else.

Evie was a bit odd that day. Supposedly I was there to pick out gifts in the stores, but when she went to pay for them with my money to I was waiting either in the mall hallway or in the food section where I had a cheap lunch. According to the assistant, she was also buying something for herself. Just why was she hiding it? After all, she had shopped for herself many times when she was at the mall with me. Now it occurred to me that maybe they were some gift extras and she didn't want me to see?

💮💮💮💮

I was going to describe two more less important issues, but I think I'm too tired already

After all, I've been writing this post since 7:15 p.m. anyway and it's already 10:28 p.m. I have a right to be tired.

I hope I won't be woken up by any mouse scraping at the wall this time.

Take care!🩵

[systemofcryptids]

quick about for a pinned post I suppose.

collective he/it, 19. known alter count: 5(?). we often do not sign off. we do not have a hard and fast system name. diagnosed DID. made this sideblog to keep system shit off my main.

none of us are human, just FYI. various flavors of xenogender and nonhuman.

quick n fast syscourse stances (though I'm not sure what is or isn't syscourse):

- endo neutral (they probly exist? i have no say in what you are experiencing. not my place. I know good endos and bad endos, just like any other group. not really my business. I don't care. I agree with some pro *and* anti endo points, depending on who's fronting and what the topic is. if my stance seems to move, that's why - I'm not firmly on either side)

- pro psych (in most cases! in some cases it's shit. I had a really traumatizing experience with a therapist that put up really bad dissociative barriers around therapy. I'm becoming a therapist to help the people I can, because I have benefitted as well)

my stances will shift if I'm given evidence that's compelling, because I do my best every day to be as rational as I can be. my core belief is that everyone is doing their best to just... be, and to judge people too harshly for that is a fallacy - i won't hold any opinions of yours i disagree with against you as a person. even harmful beliefs need to be understood to be tamed.

- pro self dx (with the proper time and research, though I don't do it myself; all of mine are professionally diagnosed if I don't say otherwise)

- on alter race: complex. (I am white, don't feel like it's my place to decide, but generally i think claiming to have experiences you don't is a bad idea. could be some exceptions maybe??? but not my place)

- on alter age: doesn't exist. (we all feel ageless, or in a vague maturity range. mental age as a concept has a tendency to be ableist. body age matters most, but how you feel personally is also very important, though that's more maturity than age. either way not really my business.)

- ask me abt more cuz I can't think of any rn

unless we're talking about, say, death threats. yeah, I'm not gonna defend you for those. get your shit in order if you're doing that. my ideal internet is civil - you can be at each other's throats metaphorically, but if anyone on either side of any issue is getting into doxxing and threats, no matter how noble the cause, you need to take a breather. i won't do it to you - don't do it to me, or anyone else. we are all people behind the screen with our own concerns.

(the above includes general harassment as well. do not harass people. I will bite you. you can be mean, sure, nobody is gonna shoot you, but if you harass someone I will bite you.)

I'll probly do some syscourse. I'll probly talk about general system stuff. I'm making an 18+ DIDOSDD server that may or may not have a section for endos, I'm still deciding that one (and I'm open to arguments from either side on why I should or shouldn't).

have a good timezone.

- this was mostly written by neo, current host, he/it - an example of a sign off we probly won't do all too often, lol, because sometimes we get real blurry and confused. this one has elements of c and s in it, for example - I didn't write it alone.

[tiredspacedragon]

Vakama didn't NOT want to lead

Y'know what, I'm gonna say it. Vakama absolutely should have been the leader of the Toa Metru. I don't think Vakama was uncomfortable in his role as leader at all. I think he initially turned the position down because he was more concerned with finding Lhikan and accomplishing the mission they were made Toa to complete, and because it was very clear that the rest of the team didn't want him as the leader.

I mean when do we ever see Vakama struggling to handle being the team leader for any internal reasons? He steps down from leadership after the defeat of the Morbuzakh (during which time he had no issues leading the team at all and in fact did quite well), because Matau and Onewa begin antagonizing him and saying that they should be the leader, which the text outright says he was hurt by. He didn't doubt his own ability in the role, nor did his guilt over Lhikan's disappearance stop him from leading well. And by the time is reunited at the climax of LoMN, Vakama reclaims leadership of the team without any prompting or deliberation. He takes charge because it is in his nature to do so and he knows what needs to be done, and the others listen because...well because they always have. None of them ever disobeyed an order from Vakama when he got serious. Insulted him, put him down, made fun of him, doubted him, sure. But whenever the Toa Metru of Fire stood up for himself and spoke with confidence, none of the others spoke out against him.

Until the return to Metru Nui, that is, when Vakama meets his next challenge. By the time of Maze of Shadows, Vakama is cemented as the leader of the Toa Metru; no one else is challenging him for the role, but he's still facing two major problems. 1) His mind is dominated by Lhikan's death. It's kind of weird that Web of Shadows, the movie, makes Vakama appear brash and cocky when the Toa Metru are captured by the Visorak, because the book's version of events makes far more sense. Vakama's not arrogant there, he's distant and so overly focused on rescuing the Matoran and honouring Lhikan's wishes that he's neglecting the needs of the team in the moment. Vakama isn't uncomfortable with leadership here, he's just doing it badly because he's wracked by grief and desperate to get the Matoran safe as quickly as possible.

And 2) The rest of the team is still on his back. They had all just accepted Vakama as leader of the team, just in time for his personality change as a result of losing his idol. And when they see him acting differently and slipping as a leader, they don't do anything about it, they just complain and snark at him. Now that's not to take blame off Vakama. His actions were no one's fault but his own and it wasn't the responsibility of the rest of the team to fix his problems. But they were a team, and their dynamic was completely out of whack, and not one of them, not even Nokama, ever made any effort to sort it out. None of them responded to Vakama's change in behaviour by offering him support, and none of them tried to smack some sense into him either by actually calling him out and confronting him with what he was doing wrong. It was all criticism, and no constructive, which is what ultimately leads to him betraying the team and joining the Visorak.

And this is something I don't really see discussed and I don't understand why. Vakama's betrayal is about his leadership. If Vakama wasn't comfortable as a leader and would have preferred not to have held the position at all, he would not have taken Roodaka's offer. She made him the commander of the Visorak Horde, gave him the chance to not just continue as a leader, but to revel in the position. She tempted him with a combination of power and adoration, a combination he felt he was lacking among his Toa comrades, and what is ultimately able to bring him back. Matau is able to appeal to Vakama by admitting he was wrong and risking his life to get his brother back, and once Vakama does come to his senses again, he reclaims his position as leader instantly, with the full support of the team.

I think this aspect of Vakama's character is overlooked far too often, most likely because of Legends of Metru Nui and Prequel Anakin Skywalker Syndrome. In LoMN, what we see of Vakama for most of the movie is him being sad, doubting himself, and not knowing what to do, which lends itself to the common perception of Vakama as this anxious bean with crippling self-confidence issues who should never have been the leader of the Toa Metru because he wasn't suited to leadership and would have been happier fading into the background, with someone like Nokama, or I've even seen Matau suggested, being a better pick for team leader. Which, from where I stand, is completely off the money. LoMN cuts out so much of the 2004 story, so much so that much of Vakama's key characterization is lost, and his growth into a leader by the end of the movie seems to come out of nowhere.

This is what I mean by Prequel Anakin Skywalker Syndrome. If you only watch the prequel trilogy, you have no idea why everyone hyped Anakin up so much in the original trilogy. He spends the majority of his screen time whining and screwing up, and the hints you see of great Jedi war hero Anakin Skywalker, the guy Obi-Wan spoke so fondly of in the first movie, are few and far between. His transformation into Darth Vader doesn't feel like such a drastic downfall because you don't get to see Anakin at his peak, the person who is lost when Vader is born. It isn't until Clone Wars that we get to see who Anakin really was, how most people saw him, and how far he really fell.

The books and comics do the same for Vakama. Just watch the movie, and you get one perception of the character that is missing vast amounts of development and characterization, but look at the whole picture and you get a much more well-rounded character that doesn't struggle with self-doubt nearly as much as he struggles with visions he doesn't understand, and teammates that constantly make his life harder than it needs to be. Vakama never had designs on leadership, but he stepped up whenever a leader was needed, and he did that on his own. Yes, Nokama believed he would be the best choice for team leader and said as much, but others never listened to her after the defeat of the King Root, and Vakama never acted based on her prompting. He took control of his own accord and the rest of the team listened to him whenever he did, and he never made an active effort to step down from the position. He was so comfortable with being a leader in fact, that his entire arc in 2005 is about how he deals with that role being jeopardized. He is tempted by a position of leadership where he will be respected.

I think there's a lot of merit in discussing how Vakama is a very different character than Tahu, or Jaller, or other Fire Toa leaders, how he chooses a ranged weapon and wears a Mask of Concealment as opposed to carrying a sword and having a flashier Mask Power. How Vakama excels by using his wits and is much more of a strategist and mystic than a warrior. But I don't think using those points to argue against Vakama as a leader is the right direction to take, because it goes against the rest of his characterization and his actions in-story.

If someone else had lead the Toa Metru, they would have always faced challenge in Vakama. Whether they were a good leader or not, and despite Vakama not having any intention to become the Metru's leader, it was in his nature to take charge in a crisis, and he did not struggle with wielding authority, so he would act just as he did in canon, except in this case, he would be undermining the authority of whoever the official team leader was. If Nokama was team leader, Vakama speaking for the team against Makuta and challenging him alone atop the Great Barrier would be a challenge to her status, even if he didn't mean it as one. Same thing when Vakama lead the charge back down to Metru Nui. That wasn't good leadership, but it was leadership nonetheless, and if Matau or Onewa had been officially in charge, that could have caused an even bigger schism in the team than it already did. Hell, against Krahka, Whenua was the official team leader for the time being, and Vakama was still the one to lead the last stand against her.

TL;DR: Vakama is a complex character who is ripe for analysis, especially in how he differs from other Fire Toa and other leaders, but using these differences as proof that he shouldn't have been the leader of the Toa Metru at all is a drastic misrepresentation of his arc and characterization. Vakama was never uncomfortable with leadership, and he was never bad at it either, apart from one prominent exception wherein he was emotionally compromised at multiple levels, and that ultimately served to feed further into his arc and make him a better leader. Anxious bean Vakama is adorable for sure, but he's a fan creation. Vakama struggled with self-doubt and guilt to be sure, but it was never about his ability to lead, and he was never pressured into that position or otherwise dropped into it against his wishes. He chose it, perhaps without really intending to, but he became the Metru's leader through his own actions and accepted it. Vakama was able to overcome his own fears and become the leader he always was on the inside. He didn't succumb to expectations or accept the duty when he would have preferred to stay in the shadows. His arc is about stepping out of the shadows, learning to assert himself, and making the choice to lead, because that's what a true leader does.

[hagoftheholler]

Another chapter of adhd thoughts for y'all. This is something that's been on my mind for a few days now, and I decided that I wanted to talk about it a little on here. A few days ago I had a conversation with a few people and one of those people, to say the least, had no idea what he was talking about. He was incredibly defensive about the topic; refusing to listen to those of us who were trying to explain how what he was saying was inaccurate at best and insulting to some at worst. I won't get deep into what happened because that's not the point of this point.

The point of this post is me saying that, in context of magic/spirituality/religion, you are going to get things wrong sometimes and that's okay. How you react to being informed that you got something historically/culturally/religiously/magically wrong is what matters.

Coming from a person with adhd + the adhd rejection sensitivity (am actively recovering, though it's been a difficult journey), it's a hard truth to accept sometimes. I'm not going to sit here and preach this without acknowledging that I myself have gotten things wrong before and defended myself into a hole too deep. Like any other person, I've been wrong before and since those times I've put effort into learning about the things I was wrong about.

I feel like these days, with how the internet gives us access to endless resources to learn from (both good resources and bad resources), there is a sort of (un)spoken expectation for everybody to know everything. It's true that people should be doing their own research and seeking resources to help them with that research. However, we also can't expect people to know everything.

Having a default expectation for everybody in this community to know everything can become toxic really quick. We see it all the time with people dogpiling on beginners who are just trying to figure things out. The whole condescending "oh, well you're a beginner so you shouldn't be looking into this yet" type thing. I have to say, I've grown to really fucking hate this type of attitude. I myself had this attitude once when I was surrounded by others who had a similar opinion on things, and since separating from them I've realized how absolutely ridiculous it is. There is a difference between explaining why something can be problematic or dangerous and brushing people off by telling them that they're not "advanced" enough to be researching these things.

As a community, we all need to accept that these things shouldn't be a matter of "well, you've only been dabbling with magic for this long so you shouldn't even consider looking into this yet" but rather "okay, if you're interested in this I suggest reading abc and watch this video from xyz before getting started". All of our paths are different and those of us who have been practitioners for a longer period of time shouldn't be dictating in what order people research and practice things. We all start in different places and we further grow in different directions.

As individuals, however, we all need to accept that we will get things wrong sometimes. We will make mistakes and that is okay, as long as you seek to understand what was wrong and do better.

If you are told that something you said was misinformation or insulting to a group of people, don't jump to defend what you said. Take a step back and ask for clarification, educational sources or to be directed to somebody from that group of people to learn more from them. If your first reaction is to defend the misinformation or insulting statement, you're already going in the wrong direction.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! There are probably no answers for this that aren't simple or obvious like,exercise more! or volunteer but still. Sorry in advance for the long whiny ask.

INFP and autistic (so,like,INFP squared? or is being typed infp a common co-morbidity to autism lol bc I have seen this combination A LOT. anyway not a great mix,would not recommend 0/10) person here. I'm currently not able to work or study. I can't fix that. My country is pretty awful and there is not much hope. I can't fix that either. The internet used to be a window into a different,better,kind of reality,and it's where I could find people who felt and thought the same as me. That was pretty good,actually.

As of summer 2020,that has started changing. It's a bit funny how everyone dumping their issues and loneliness online has made the whole landscape uninhabitable instead of bringing comfort,but,well. Anyway,I keep trying to make accounts to just talk about my interests or to simply feel that I belong somewhere and that I am understood. But then I abandon them because none of my opinions and core values fit in any specific internet persona mold now. There are tribes everywhere and I hate all of them. I can't lie,I don't have the energy to defend so many supposedly contradictory sides of me that aren't even relevant to anyone,and I hate being judged unfairly and being attributed intentions I don't have. Instead of finding my niche,I discover that out of 10 online people I might have connected with,I strongly disagree with all 10 of them on issues I won't budge. I just hate everyone now. And I lost the additional bit of hope I had lol.

I had so many ideas and plans about the content I wanted to make,online. Instead,now when I try to imagine the types of people who have liked or might like my stuff,and the ones who disliked me,they all look the same in my head. I just feel like closing shop and running away. I've lost the desire to share any part of me with others. So the inspiration is gone too and can't even work on anything. There is no imaginary audience I can trust or can confide in.

Irl expressing myself was rarely possible. I don't know what's the most common type here,but most people in my environment were very judgemental idealists acting like 'rational' self-sufficient cynics for some reason(unhealthy FJs I guess?). They hate 'cringe' display of emotions and 'unprofessionalism' in women(men get away with everything)more than they hate actual criminals. I was not able to connect and share ideas even with the people I had a lot of values in common with and who did the type of activism I was interested in. Not gonna lie,that was a huge blow. They were so close but so far,and I could not bridge the distance.

Also there are no good mental health services,mostly because of poverty and corruption. The fucked-up "pull yourself by your bootstraps and stop whining" and "look at you,entitled snowflake wanting special treatment,just endure it like the rest of us!" culture surely doesn't help. This isn't just conservative old men saying this but people from my generation. I wanted an escape from that.

But I just don't know where I can go from here. IRL was bad but I had such hope for existing online,at least. Until a couple months ago,I was still able to imagine people I might be able to resonate with,some day. I actually encountered them a couple of times,and it was everything I needed. But now,inside my head,everyone is disappointing and unreasonable and hateful and not worth it. I can't live like that but I can't live without people either...

Making something I'm proud of and showing it to someone who is not my mom lol is a basic need I can't fulfill now and it's driving me mad. And the problem with autism is that I literally can't do anything if there is not an image of how it might go in my head already. I don't know how to explain,even if my future best friend would be sitting next to me,if I did not have a slot in my head already prepared for that,I would be unable to recognize them. I'm so sorry this got so long.

--------------------------

I understand your disappointment and dejection. Feeling out of place isn't a nice feeling for anyone. You can't control other people. You can only improve yourself and your social skills. I see some problems that might impede your ability to socialize well:

1) Hungry for Validation: Do you only engage with people to get validation? Do you only create to get applause? Whether or not you succeed in doing something begins with the intention you set. Start off with the wrong intention and the results will be unexpected. If your intention is really just about using people as objects to feel good about yourself, is it really a surprise when they refuse to be used by you? Would you like to be used and disposed of when you are deemed useless? That's no way to treat people, is it?

2) Hypocrisy: You are pleading for like-minded friends out of one side of your mouth and then bashing "tribe" mentality out of the other side of your mouth. Methinks you are not so dissimilar from the people you condemn, since you are merely seeking your own tribe, just like everyone else?

Having contradictory beliefs means that there's something wrong with your belief system. Being unwilling to examine your own faulty beliefs means that you will never truly understand yourself, let alone others. How, then, are you meant to make real friendships? It seems that your social skills won't improve unless you take a good look at all the ways in which you sabotage relationships all on your own, aside from what other people do. This blog is for self-reflection, not for ranting.

3) Pessimism: Your perspective is too negative. If you are only able to view the world through the lens of your past disappointments, you will not see any hope, because you will only be looking for the "evidence" that confirms and affirms your disappointment. This is how pessimism, helplessness, powerlessness, and resignation get entrenched in the mind.

All people have a mixture of positive and negative qualities. All places have a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant people. When you are pessimistic, it means you only see the negative in everything. Pessimism is one common way that people destroy their own hope and motivation. It is a common sign of Si loop.

4) Judgmental: You decry people being judgmental while being quite judgmental yourself. Your opinions about everyone, including yourself, are quite negative, full of ego and righteousness, and too black-and-white. This will certainly prevent you from making friends. How can you get people to like you when you don't even like yourself? How can you like people when all you ever see is how they don't measure up to your lofty expectations?

What you don't understand is that beliefs =/= identity. People adopt a lot of their beliefs and values without much thought, because it happens unconsciously when they are children. If they are not given the encouragement and opportunity to examine and change their faulty beliefs, why would they? Much of the time, people hold the wrong beliefs out of ignorance rather than malice, yet you treat them as malicious, hate them, and dismiss them as not worth your time. If you don't want people to misjudge you, criticize your "contradictory" beliefs, or judge you for the worst version of you, are you willing to be the first to start choosing a different way?

When you are too judgmental of people, you operate under the assumption that they are irredeemable. Warning: Damn the world, and you will damn yourself too, because you are a part of the world, no matter how much you try to deny it. Empathy is required to see yourself and others as human, redeemable, and worthy of encouragement. You are sorely lacking in empathy and that's something that can be improved upon, if you cared enough to do so. Lack of empathy is a common sign of Te grip.

5) Poor Social Skills: Since you are negative and judgmental, have you considered how that affects the way you interact with people? Nobody deserves to be bullied or trolled. However, there are ways in which you might inadvertently invite people to bully or troll you. For example, if you're unwilling to examine your own faulty beliefs, you unconsciously attract people to criticize them, because deep down, you know that they need correcting. If you're going to dish out moral judgment all the time, then you invite others to give it to you in return. Perhaps you need to think more about how you present yourself to people and what effect it has on how they approach you.

I've written before about how social media isn't a great place to socialize and make friends. In many corners, it is indeed toxic because of the lack of accountability. Social media invites people to be their worst self in order to boost website engagement, and it sounds like you are a victim of that as well. Healthy relationships require responsibility and accountability from both parties. Are you responsible in your dealings with people? Are you accountable for any negative behavior of yours that is harmful to relationships? You say that you were with like-minded people and still couldn't succeed. That should make you suspect that the problem lies with your lack of social skills.

ASD is a legitimate concern. But beware of using it as an excuse. I've known plenty of people on the spectrum who are high functioning, willing and able to learn better social skills. If you are serious about building a better social support network, you'll have to put more effort into improving your social skills. This doesn't guarantee that every relationship will be successful. Having good social skills means that you know how to take full advantage of every opportunity for improving your relations with people. See the relevant tags and book recs on the topic.

[wattpadscapcons]

(1/2) hey, I wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for the ask I sent to that Fel person. I'm not even a regular on your blog, I was browsing through the FNF tag, found your blog, scrolled and saw the post about anon strikes. I thought Fel was genuinely threatening you with the "this is my game" thing, and wanted to say something. but I shouldn't have. I'm not trying to make excuses but I wanted to say it so non of your anons got blamed for it. I shouldn't have escalated like that and I apologised

(2/2) to Fel about what happened, and any distress I caused them, and I promise I won't interact with you or them again. in fact, I'll probably log off to reflect for a bit. so again, I am deeply sorry for what I've done, and I hope you and Fel have a good day.

- Copied from second ask to save space

=

Please read all of it before making your own conclusions:

You have a lot of nerve getting involved in a problem with people you don't even know. You had ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS getting involved, as it was between me and @thetownofbirds

I never asked for anyone to go and talk to them now did I? I never 'cancelled' them or asked anyone to do so, because that isn't what we do here. Fel was very hurt by what you said, and so was I, and it wasn't even directed towards me.

I have no ill will towards Fel, and I never did. I just wanted them to know that I had rules for a specific reason. That's literally that it was about. I know they got emotional, I know they said some pretty hurtful things. Do I really care anymore? Not really. As you had sent in that ask of yours Fel was already working on an apology to me.

This is why I don't like 'white knights' on the internet, they only cause more harm then good when no one asked them to help. Fel was acting as a 'white knight' themselves, which is what started this altogether. They were thinking of the feelings of my anons, which in a way was sweet, but just came out wrong. I tried my best, in the most respectful way I could write it, to explain how my blog worked, and the amount of work I put in to make sure everyone here feels welcomed and included.

They didn't exactly know that I had warned people on this page many times of what would happen if they overloaded my box while it said "Full" in my bio. I don't blame them for that because they were doing the exact same thing as you were "just scrolling and found the post".

To say the least I can say I am very disappointed in the way you acted. The fact that you couldn't even sign your name or an alias or something to let Fel know that none of my anons were after them was a very poor choice. I know damn well that all of the people in my community are better than that. Or at least I hope so. From what I know everyone that comes to interact with me as been very kind so far, and you tarnished that for hiding yourself.

You didn't do what I asked of you, which disappoints me greatly as well. You are doing the exact same thing that you accuse Fel of doing, hiding from consequences. You apologizing to us as an anon is downright disrespectful in my opinion. I want an apology in person, and Fel deserves that much as well.

I speak for Fel here too, they aren't a bad person. Neither are you, it's just your 'need to help' was unneeded. Since you are showing remorse, I can be lenient and say that if you still want to interact with my page, you can. But don't you dare think that you're fully off the hook for this, me and my anons will remember this.

=

To anyone who may be wondering why I am choosing to defend someone who hurt my feelings, it is because I promote kindness, understanding, and peace on this page. Traits that has spread to most of the people that come in often. This is supposed to be a safe space. It is safe for even Fel to come and express their emotions with me, in a somewhat less awkward way I hope next time.

I am not trying to make anyone else that may have reached out bad about doing so. I do not commend anyone that says anything disrespectful to others though. Thank you.

- Treat/Mak

[supergirlspurgatory]

Okay so I have a Wayhaught story for you. So I was thinking about how Emily was saying Wynonna definitely has opinions about Waverly and Nicole being together so what if Wynonna takes a moment with Nicole to have "the talk" with her about how she better not hurt her or end up like Champ (but she knows she won't) and Waverly hears part of this conversation and runs aways and now is very distant with Nicole bc she thinks Wynonna scared her away but later she assures she's not going anywhere

So, I couldn’t help myself and i wrote a whole fic for this. Hope you like it!!!!

Waverly was finally back from that creepy possession ordeal that they had to deal with, and she will absolutely tell you, that she will never be touching any strange gunk that she finds on the ground or otherwise, ever again. But everything is okay now and Wynonna, Waverly, Doc, and Nicole have taken over the Black Badge office in their search to try and find and get Dolls back.

It is had been a few days and the four of them have been locked up in that office. 

Waverly has been pouring over books and the internet, searching for anything she can wrestle up about secret government agencies that she can.

Wynonna was going through Dolls’s computer while she drinks whiskey out of his X cup, and muttering curse words under her breath since frankly there isn’t anything useful or entertaining of the hard drive.

Doc was sitting alone, at the far corner of the table. At first, he had spent a lot of time examining the vials that he had injected into Dolls before the showdown are Shorty’s. Now, though, he has moved on playing Solitare with an impossibly old set of cards.

Nicole, she has been sniffing out every gun and other weapons she can find in the office, she has been cataloging them and cleaning them, even going so far as to dismembering and, all the guns. At one point she even managed to wrestle PeaceMaker away from Wynonna. It was a very difficult feat and she found out that it hadn’t been cleaned in a very long time, probably since Wyatt himself had it.

Now it has been a couple of weeks, and with all the stress, Wynonna had pretty much forgotten about Nic and Waves dating, and reverting back to her normal self, had become totally oblivious of the lingering eye contact between her sister and the officer, not so subtle touching that they exchanged whenever close enough, and that whenever one of them left the room the other followed. She was so wrapped up in herself she had pretty much forgotten about the two dating.

At the end of the fourth night, after all of them had done almost as much as they could. Wynonna hadn’t found anything on the computer. Waverly hadn’t found anything mention a Black Badge Division. Nicole had run out of weapons to clean. And Doc, well how many games of solitaire can someone really play before they go insane? They all had started to sigh heavily and push their work away.

Grabbing Nicole’s hand, and looking across to Wynonna who’s face was buried in her palms, Waverly clears her throat, “You know Gus left me a message early and said that she was going to open Shorty’s back up tonight, invited us to stop by.”

“Got Dolls and I’s mess all cleaned up then?” Doc asks when he perks up at the idea of going to the saloon for a drink.

“Yup, I guess some town’s folk pitched in,” Waverly starts, “Gus said they wanted to try and make it up to Wynonna, the whole trying to kill her thing.”

“Strange,” Wynonna finally adds, “They’ve never felt bad about my near death before, I guess people are growing around here.”

“Oh come on Earp,” Nicole can’t help but attempt to protest that, “not everyone in this town hates you.”

Wynonna scoffs at that, “You clearly did not grow up around here red. But that is a conversation for another night when my brain doesn’t feel like soup. I think we ought to head down there, support Gus.”

It didn’t take them long to pack their things up and head to Shorty’s. Wynonna had already slipped behind the bar and found a bottle of whiskey and four glasses. Doc had stepped out to get some air for a few minutes. Waverly and Nicole had claimed a booth and were cuddled up pushed into the corner of the booth and were enjoying a slightly discreet and satisfying make out session.

“What the hell is this, guys?” Wynonna almost demands as she sets the bottle and glass down on the table.

“Uh, it’s me kissing my girlfriend Wy,” Waverly answers, with a very confused tone.

“Oh shit.” Wynonna declares as it dawns on her. “I, uh, I forgot about that.”

“No shit Earp,” Nicole adds after she lets out a giggle.

“I guess you and I need to have a little talk then Haught,” Wynonna replies as she starts the red-head down.

“I think that may be my cue to go find Doc,” Waverly says as she gives Nicole an apologetic smile for throwing her to the wolves or rather wolf that is Wynonna Earp, and then heads away.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing with my little sister?“ Wynonna asks, jumping right in.

“Honestly? Loving her.” Is all Nicole offers her in response.

“She’s been loved before Haught. What’s supposed to make you think you’re any different?” Wynonna questions the red head further.

“The way that I look at her.” Nicole challenges.

“And what way might that be?”

“Like she, herself, hung the moon and the stars, just for me.” Is all Nicole gives in return. Honestly, if you Wynonna hasn’t figured it out by now, she figuring she’ll have to draw it out for the woman.

“Champ used to look at her like that until she stopped being a trophy for him to win and became the strong young woman that she is. How am I supposed to know that you’re different than him?” Wynonna challenges Nicole. She knows that Nicole is different, but she needs to get a promise right from the woman.

“Because I’m not a boy-man-child like he was or is or whatever. Come on Wynonna, you’ve known me for a while now, do you really think I have it in me to treat anyone like crap, let alone Waves?” Nicole asks the question almost beginning to feel hurt.

“Well, I guess you’ve got a point there. I just have to make sure to give you the shovel talk or whatever. You know, Waverly is the most important person in my life and I haven’t really been there for her until recently, and I think I’m still a little too caught up in the curse bullshit to truly give her the attention she deserves.” Wynonna offers the confession as a peace offering of sorts.

“I get that Wy. But you are here now, and you’re not going anywhere. Plus, she has me now too, so I think she’ll be just fine.”

As Nicole finishes her statement, Waverly is walking back up to the table and notices the two other women completely emerged in the conversation but doesn’t catch anything, until Wynonna’s final statement.

“I get that. But just to put it out there, if you so much as crack her heart, or treat her even a little poorly, I swear to you, I’ll be using PeaceMaker for more that putting down revenants.” It’s an empty threat as she knows Nicole is better than that. As she finished though she notices Waverly within earshot and is completely unaware that she has been standing there long enough to hear the threat. 

“Hey, Baby Girl!” Wynonna greats Waverly with a broad smile. “Did you find Doc?”

“I ummm, I’m not feeling well, can you take me home Wynonna?” Waverly asks, not even responding to the question, she’s so shaken up from hearing the threat, scared of what it means. Does Wynonna no like Nicole as much as she’d been letting on the past few weeks?

“I can take Babe.” Nicole offers before Wynonna gets a chance to respond.

“No, I want Wynonna to take me.” Is all Waverly offers, and honestly the way she says it is a little cold. Before either Nicole or Wynonna has a chance to interject again, Waverly has headed out of the building. Thinking, dammit Wynonna, I finally found a good one, and you’re going and scaring her away, you can’t threaten lesbians with guns, it freaks them out. Admittedly, Waverly may have recently delved into gay culture and learned a lot about lesbian tropes.

“You’re not driving her anywhere Earp.” Is how Nicole decides is best to start the conversation.

“Why the hell not Haught? If Waves wants to go, I’ll take her where ever she wants.” Wynonna defends herself.

“No, you won’t. You’ve been drinking Whiskey all day, and you’ve drunk half that bottle by yourself while we’ve been sitting here. It’s not safe for you to get behind the wheel.” Nicole offers as she stands up and slips on her jacket.

“Fine. You going to go get her then?” Wynonna reluctantly asks.

“Yeah. Y’all can come sleep at my place when you get done here if you want.” Nicole presents the peace offering.

“Thanks, but there’s a room upstairs here, we’ll just take it. Let’s meet in the office at noon tomorrow? Give everyone a chance to get some extra rest.” Wynonna offers in return, her own peace offering of sorts.

“Sure, see ya then.” And with that Nicole has turned to head out the saloon herself. 

Nicole runs through the bodies as quickly as she can, pushing through the front doors, and scanning her surroundings. She finds Waverly sitting in her Jeep, letting it run. As Nicole gets closer to the Jeep, she notices hard sporadic shaking of Waverly’s shoulders, a clear sign of the tears that a certainly falling down the girl’s face. Wasting no more time, she runs to the driver’s door where Waverly is sat and pulls it open. Before she has a chance to protest or even notices who’s arms are enveloping, Nicole makes quick work gather Waverly up, rubbing her hands up and down the younger woman’s back.

“What’s wrong baby?” Nicole whispers in her ear.

With the question, Waverly starts to push Nicole away but doesn’t have enough strength to get her too far away.

“I asked for Wynonna,” Waverly states through heavy breaths.

“I know, but I don’t feel comfortable with Wynonna taking you anywhere. She’s had too much to drink.” Nicole offers, loosening her grip while looking down to search Waverly’s eyes to try and figure out what is going on. “I was thinking we could go to my place and I would take care of you.”

“I don’t expect you to take care of me Nic. You don’t even want to be around me, I’m sure.” Waverly states, not being able to help herself and leaning into Nicole.

“What the heck are you talking about Waverly?” Nicole asks shocked.

“I heard what Wynonna said. She threatened to kill you.” Waverly makes the statement though another round of tears.

“Oh baby,” Nicoles starts, with a grin playing at her lips. “She didn’t mean that.”

“Yes she did, she doesn’t joke about using PeaceMaker,” Waverly mumbles into the collar of Nicole’s shirt, that is quickly absorbing tears and most likely a gross combination of slobber and snot, not that Nicole minds. Waverly can bawl into any of her shirts any time she needs to.

“No babe, I promise she didn’t mean it. She knows I would never hurt you. She knows that I love you too much. She knows that I will treat you better than anyone else has ever treated you. She just said that because she felt like she had to finish her shovel talk.” Nicole whispers it to Waverly as she combs a hand through her hair.

“Are you sure?” Waverly asks, starting to regain her composure. 

“Yes, I promise. Now let’s go home and go to sleep. I think you may be a little over exhausted from the past couple weeks.” Nicole says as she lifts Waverly up, letting the smaller woman cling to her like a Khola bear, and walks to the other side of the Jeep. “We can sleep in and go get breakfast, Wynonna doesn’t want us coming in until noon.”

As she lets Nicole settle her into the passenger’s seat of her own car, she watches Nicole intently. Nicole just pays attention to what she’s doing. She buckles Waverly in and leans across her to turn the heat up a bit. As she is pulling herself out of the car, though, Waverly grabs the lapels of her jacket and pulls her so the forehead to forehead.

“You promise you want to be with me?” Waverly asks gently, her breath tickling Nicole’s lips.

“I promise Waverly. Ther is nowhere else, I would rather be.” Nicole makes what is probably the truthful statement of her life, and she is rewarded. She is rewarded by Waverly who leans in, gently pushing her lips to Nicoles, it’s the kiss of a promise, a kiss that means I love you, a kiss that says thank you for loving me. It gently but still passionate. Their lips move together like a choreographed dance. It is as though they were made for kissing each other, and honestly, they probably are.

“Good, because I feel the exact same way.” Waverly states as she pulls away but stays close enough to punctuate each word with another kiss.