#one cannot simply genderbend one character | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

carryon-countdown · 4 years ago

Text

MLM/Trans Rep Issues: a conversation

Hello everyone!

As was announced to the public in this post, we’ve noticed some voices of discontent from mlm/trans people in this fandom. We’ve spent the past week talking to many mlm/trans people in this fandom, to listen to what has likely been hurting them/making them uncomfortable. Our goal here was to educate ourselves on views that we’d been overlooking and to have a conversation about how to move forward.

We’re glad to say that every person who reached out to us was very patient and informative, so now we’re able to share what we’ve learned with our followers and the rest of the fandom. What makes everything a bit more complicated, however, is that it became clear quite quickly that not every mlm/trans person experiences these issues the same way. Most people we talked to had their very own way of viewing things, and we, as admins, think that each individual view had something valuable to say. There’s not a very clear right or wrong here, so we’re going to ask everyone not to approach these issues like there’s a definitive right or wrong.

What we’re going to do instead is explain the different views, in hope that it will educate many of you who’d had a blindspot to these issues. And then it’ll be up to each individual person to self-reflect and decide what you think is important. Once again, there doesn’t seem to be a definitive right or wrong, so we think the best we can do is make sure everyone has as much information to make their own choices with.

Fetishizing

One of the main issues that was brought to our attention is the fetishisation of mlm ships (in this fandom’s case mainly snowbaz). Some people we talked to said they came across this quite a lot, others felt like it happened here and there, and others said it happened so little that they had never been able to come up with an example of this within the fandom. So that already gives everyone an idea of what we mean by people seeming to have very different experiences.

What it means to use a ship for fetishisation is that you interact with the ship in a way that is purely focussed on the “hotness”/aesthetic of the ship, instead of focussing on the actual dynamic of this ship. This turns the ship into something more like an object of your fantasies, instead of seeing it as a representation of something real.

Everyone we talked to agreed that fetisising is wrong/hurtful. There were, however, more divided opinions on where the lines lie between content that is and isn’t rooted in fetishisation. Some views are more quickly to label a piece of smut that’s just straight up porn, with a strong focus on the “sexiness” of it all, as a piece rooted in fetishisation, while others think it’s more okay to have smut like this because wanting to celebrate a ship that you love having a bit of sexy-time can definitely come from a place of loving the ship for who they are rather than a objectifying sexual fantasy standpoint.

This shows that the whole concept of judging whether a piece of fan content is fetishising the ship isn’t something that’s just black and white. Something that is easier to judge, though, is yourself and where your love for the ship/certain pieces of content comes from.

We do thus strongly encourage you to take a look at yourself and the way you interact with the ships and content in this fandom. It’s good to ask yourself what your intentions are when creating/sharing any content relating to these ships, and to question whether you might be fetishising. We hope everyone will refrain from engaging with this ship from a fetisising standpoint. It’s often not something that happens to intent harm, but it is something that makes people who are actually represented within the ship highly uncomfortable and upset. It’s not a form of support to any sexuality/type of relationship that might be represented in the ship.

(Note: please don’t instantly write off the idea that you might be fetishising because you, for example, aren’t even attracted to men, because that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t look at a mlm ship in an objectifying way. Please, just, absolutely everyone, take an honest look at your view towards the ships in this fandom, and try to see if there’s instances where you are fetishising these ships.)

Genderbending

Genderbending/genderswap was the other main topic of the conversations we’ve had with mlm/trans people. Genderbending is simply put: changing the genders from one or more of the characters present in your work, to a gender that’s not their canon gender. In our fandom we mostly see this trope used on snowbaz, thus having them become fem!snowbaz.

A big critique for genderbending is that, very often, with genderbending the appearance/physical features of the character is what changes, and thus “that changes the gender”, which is a way of viewing gender that completely excludes the experience of trans/nb people. In the case of snowbaz, this means that Simon and Baz remain the same, but suddenly they have boobs and more feminine features, so that must mean they’re now women. While really, if you want to represent snowbaz with more feminine features, it doesn’t instantly have to mean that they’re now women, and being a woman doesn’t mean you need any kind of feminine features. It basically treats sex and gender the same, when they’re not. Genderbending also often treats gender like it’s binary, which it isn’t. For a bunch of the trans people we talked to, this is something that they consider quite harmful, not only to themselves but also to the way it inspires you to look at the concept of gender.

Besides that, there are times where genderbending gets used to explore a certain concept, such as: having one of the characters able to become pregnant, when really you can also avoid using genderbending here by using a trans headcanon/au for such a thing. The idea that the only way for you to explore these concepts with a mlm ship is having them turn into cis women comes across as both excluding the mlm and trans experience. So there are trans people who prefer if you use a trans au or trans headcanon instead of genderbending in these cases (here it is also preferred that you then have a trans person look at your work before you post it!). With this we do also want to note that not necessarily everyone trans person we spoke to experience trans au/hcs as something positive, and actually actively avoid them.

Now that we’ve spoken about the views against genderbending, there are still other trans people we talked to who don’t have an issue with genderbending. Their views on it with snowbaz are that when you have a ship that canonically consists of two cis men, it makes sense that people would have them be cis women when applying genderbending. (Also, not always everyone makes them cis women when doing a genderbend). The people that didn’t see an issue with genderbending generally came from the standpoint that people’s intentions behind genderbending are completely innocent and not done with the thought in mind that sex=gender, and that is enough for them to not feel hurt by it.

A thing that was also brought up here is that genderbending in this fandom is often used by wlw people to find a way to represent/express themselves in a fandom they love. The people who are in favor of genderbending see this as a very valid reason to keep genderbending around. If it has a positive influence on someone, and isn’t done with the idea in mind that sex and gender are the same, they don’t see why genderbending should be seen as a bad thing.

With this we also want to note that not all wlw are the biggest fan of genderbending. There’s definitely plenty that use fem!snowbaz as a way to see themselves represented, and for them it’s a very positive thing. There are, however, also wlw around who’ve spoken up against it. They see turning a mlm into a wlw ship by genderbending as a very objectifying way to look at a wlw couple. They don’t consider a mlm that now looks like wlw actual wlw representation. They often feel like it comes across very feishising and it makes them uncomfortable. So saying that it’s something positive for all wlw in this fandom is definitely an incorrect way of looking at it, but it is still also a positive thing for quite a number of them.

This shows how polarising the concept of genderbending is, and it’s really not in our interest to tell you what side to pick. We hope that you take in these views and use them to educate yourself on the topic. We hope you put in the effort to understand the different takes on it and then decide where you land. We want to at least make sure that your decisions around genderbending don’t come from a place of ignorance.

We also want to ask everyone to always tag genderbending if you do decide to post anything with genderbending. This way the people who are really hurt by it can at least avoid having to see it by blacklisting it.

This about sums up what we’ve been talking about with the people who reached out to us. We really hope everyone will use this to open their minds to different views on these topics. Since everyone's opinions on these topics seem influenced by personal views and experiences, we really cannot ask you to decide for others what’s right and wrong, and so we ask you to reflect on yourself and your own views instead.

We really want to thank @nonbaznary, @krisrix and others who will remain anonymous for taking part in this conversation! You were all super helpful and patient!

Both @nonbaznary and @krisrix told us that they were open to talk to people who still have questions surrounding these topics. Both of them represent different views, and thus will be able to give you different answers. (Please, if you decide to contact them, be kind to them and actually make an effort to listen to them. They’ve been nothing but helpful in all of this. Treat them well, this is something that can take a lot of energy out of a person)

@nonbaznary also mentioned that if anyone is ever looking for a trans person to look at your work before you post it, they’d be open to doing that for you, so you can contact them for that as well.

We hope that the actions that were taken here will help everyone feel a little more at home in this fandom, even though the solution is such a vague one.

Much love, The admins of the Carry On Countdown of 2020

#carry on countdown #coc 2020 #carry on #carry on fandom #simon snow series #snowbaz #discourse

138 notes · View notes

thewatsonbeekeepers · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 12: Three Men in a Boat [TFP 2/3]

[This was completely missing from my tumblr, via every search function and everything! So I’ve reuploaded - thanks anon for letting me know!!]

This section of the meta is going to deal with the events at Sherrinford – I’ve broken TFP up into three sections to try and get the most out of it. This isn’t just a read through like the first part of the meta, it has a specific structure, much like Eurus’s trials for the boys, so it’s really important to take this bit in one chapter. My hypothesis is thus – that each episode of s4 has been a different obstacle to be broken through in Sherlock’s mind, and that each of them is represented by one of the different Sherrinford tasks. It’s essentially an illumination of Sherlock’s progress through his mind – but it’s set up by Eurus, who is Sherlock’s mental barrier, so these are going to represent Sherlock’s darkest fears about each of the obstacles. Ready? Let’s go.

We take up the episode at the pirate hijacking, which is quite BAMF, but also illuminates a couple of things that we should bear in mind going into this episode. The first is that the transition from a blown up Baker Street to Sherlock and John hijacking a boat without a scratch on them is absolutely bizarre and leaves SO many questions – it’s dream-jumping of the most obvious kind. The second is that water has played a long role as a metaphor through the show, particularly in the EMP sequence, and it’s climaxing now – we are in the deepest waters of Sherlock’s mind.

Mycroft and John working together in the disguise sequence is metaphorically lovely – in the Oscar Wilde scene of the last part we saw Sherlock’s brain and heart finally coming together, and here for the first time they’re working together to give Sherlock the ability to go and confront Eurus. This is what makes Mycroft’s line so powerful. He says:

Say thank you to Doctor Watson. […] He talked me out of Lady Bracknell – this could have been very different.

Comic throwaway? Maybe. But given what we know about Lady Bracknell from the first part, this also has a more powerful meaning – heart!John finally stopped brain!Mycroft from being an obstructive force in Sherlock’s psyche, and they started working together instead to save him. This could have been very different is far more loaded than it sounds. All this whilst creating an image of Mark Gatiss as a Victorian aunt – wonderful.

When we first meet Eurus proper, her similarity to Sherlock is striking. She plays the violin – this isn’t a Holmes thing, because Mycroft doesn’t – it’s Sherlock’s motif throughout. Her hair is like a feminine Sherlock, her pallor and cheekbones match Cumberbatch. For reference, this is a picture of Sian Brooke and Benedict Cumberbatch together in real life.

I’ve done a section on why I think Eurus is the most repressed part of Sherlock’s psyche, and his traumatic barrier to love and life – I sometimes glibly refer to this as gay trauma, but that’s its essence. The similarity between Brooke and Cumberbatch in this scene is really compelling, looking the same but lit and dressed in opposite colours. Similarity and difference both highlighted. Even nicer, the white of Sherlock’s shirt is the same notable brightness as Eurus’s uniform, but it’s hidden under his jacket – a visual metaphor for her being hidden inside him.

Eurus gives Sherlock a Stradivarius as a gift. This should set alarm bells ringing for anybody who has seen TPLoSH. If you haven’t seen The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, please do so immediately because my God you are missing out, but TLDR – a Russian ballerina offers Holmes a Stradivarius to have sex with her so she can have a brainy child, and he declines because he’s gay. (This is not just my interpretation, this is genuinely what happens, just to be clear.) Eurus giving Sherlock a Stradivarius is a deliberate callback to the film which Mofftiss cite as their biggest inspiration; just like the ballerina tempted Holmes to feign heterosexuality, so does Eurus – and both make clear that it’s not without its rewards, which is unfortunately true for real life as well. This moment in Sherlock’s psyche also recalls the desperate unrequitedness of Holmes’s love for Watson in TPLoSH, a reference to our Sherlock’s deepest fear at the moment – he has realised his importance but not John’s romantic/sexual love for him, as we’ll see. So here, trauma!Eurus isn’t just referencing closetedness, but is actively drawing on a history of character repression with which to torment Sherlock – metafictionality at its finest.

The Stradivarius is specifically associated with closetedness, but violins more generally in the show are used to show expressions of love that can’t be voiced out loud – think of John and Mary’s wedding, or the desperate bowing of ASiB. So Eurus, gay trauma that she is, telling Sherlock that she taught him to play is a moment of distinct pain – she is the reason he can’t speak his love aloud, but instead has to speak in signs.

When Sherlock plays ‘him’, rather than Bach, to Eurus (he has a big Bach thing with Moriarty in s2, take from that what you will because I don’t know!), he’s playing Irene Adler’s theme. As a fandom, we’ve generally agreed on associating Irene’s theme with sexual love, which ties in nicely with Eurus’s question – has Sherlock had sex? It’s unanswered. At the end of ASiB, Irene calls Sherlock the virgin, suggesting that he hasn’t.

My favourite moment in s4 without a doubt is Jim dancing to I Want To Break Free. I know it’s the most boring thing to say, but my two greatest loves are Andrew Scott and Freddie Mercury, so it was like Christmas. Here it is also Christmas, but there are two possible timelines. I hypothesise that this refers to Christmas 2010, but it’s absolutely conceivable that it could be Christmas 2009. If we acknowledge that Sherlock is in a coma in 2014, then five years ago is Christmas 2009; however, given that we’ve jumped to 2015 in dream time, I’m going to make the guess that Jim’s visit to Sherrinford is supposed to take place in 2010. This ties up with the idea that this is when Moriarty first started taking an interest in Sherlock, who had never heard of him before ASiP, particularly as this is all in the EMP.

I firmly believe that Jim represents the fear that John is in danger – I highlight this in the chapter on HLV, where you’ll recall we first encounter Jim in the EMP and he sends Sherlock on his journey through the EMP with the words John Watson is definitely in danger – a pretty big sign. Even without this, though, his biggest threat to Sherlock has always been hurting John, whether in TRF or with the idea of burning the heart out of him with Semtex. It’s not unreasonable then to assume that MP!Jim first getting inside Sherlock’s subconscious to represent this fear happens in 2010, when he first meets John. He slips in and stays there, and he melds with Eurus. We see this in the powerful visual of the two of them dancing in front of the glass as Jim’s image slowly becomes Eurus’s reflection – the fear of John dying embeds itself into the gay trauma that Sherlock has stored up, even without him realising it. This ties in nicely with the choice of I Want to Break Free, which is famous for its use of drag in the music video – Jim melding into Eurus is the dark side of queer genderbending that we hate to see. It’s also a pretty fitting song name for an intensifying of repressed gay trauma, even without the association with queer king Mercury.

[A side note to all of this – there were wonderful TEH metas about trains in tunnels being sexual, which isn’t just a tjlc thing but is a well-established idea in cinema – Moriarty’s consistent train noises here seem like a horrifyingly inverted version of that sexual longing.]

Task 1 – The Six Thatchers

The governor is set up as a mirror for John in this task, which provides some helpful context for the episode as a whole. Heart!John makes this comparison himself, by drawing out the similarity between the situation with the governor’s wife and his with Mary, though in this case the governor does kill himself because of his wife – or so it seems. The suicidal instinct matches with everything we’ve learned about John in s4, but I want to hypothesise, perhaps tenuously, that he’s more connected with Eurus than we might think. We know that Eurus has had control of the governor for quite some time, and one of the things we hear her saying to the governor in the background of the interrogations is that he shouldn’t trust his wife. This is an odd thing to pepper into the background when he’s about to commit suicide for her, and perhaps suggests that he’s more of Eurus’s pawn than he lets on, though I grant this may be spurious.

The idea that he distrusts his wife because of Eurus is important, however, because we’ve already seen John engage with Eurus in various forms, but this seems like an extension of E; Eurus, aka Sherlock’s hidden self, has been making John doubt Mary, even before she shoots Sherlock. John cannot know she’s a spy at this point, so it’s unlikely he’s doubting her goodwill; he’s simply doubting her.

Before we look at how the actual task impacts the governor and how that illustrates what’s really going on in TST, it’s worth pointing out that it is the governor’s engagement with Eurus which prompts the entire shutdown of Sherrinford and forces Sherlock (with brain!Mycroft and heart!John ever at his side, of course) to engage once and for all with Eurus. This points to everything that s4 has been telling us – that Sherlock’s understanding of the relationship between him and John, including his power to save him (we’re going to see the governor play the foil here) is what sends his brain into stay-alive-overdrive. Sherrinford is the peak of this.

Summary of the task, for those who hate TFP: Sherlock is given a gun and told he can pick either John or Mycroft to kill the governor, otherwise the governor’s wife will be killed by Eurus. As I’ve written about in its chapters, TST is about Sherlock trying to get to the bottom of Mary and why she tried to kill him – and, of course, the impact this will have on John. In brief, by displacing the shot onto Mary in his mind, he’s discounting his own importance and instead thinking about what it will mean for John to lose Mary. His greatest fear is that losing Mary will break John, and it isn’t until the end of TLD that he recognises that the return of John’s suicidal ideation isn’t over Mary, but over him. TFP presents the horror version, the version of TST that Sherlock’s trauma wants him to believe but which he has to overcome. In this case, Mycroft and John resolve to keep the governor alive in their passivity, but that passivity – Sherlock’s coma – is not enough to keep the governor from killing himself over Mary. This is the most feared outcome from Mary’s death that Sherlock can think of – his fear of losing John combined with John’s love of Mary, which in TST Sherlock is still taking as read.

Double naming in this show should never be neglected, and in this case we learn shortly before the governor dies that his name is David. Again, the dramatic manner in which we learn this (on the moment of execution) draws our attention to it – we know another David in this show.

Yup – Mary's ex who’s still in love with her from TSoT. So even though Sherlock is experiencing the panic of John killing himself for loss of Mary, his subconscious is still pointing out to him that that’s not what’s happening here. This mirror version of John that he has set up, who is broken by the loss of Mary as Sherlock fears in TST, is actually the other man in Mary’s life – even with Eurus forcing the worst possible scenario onto him, this still can’t quite fit John’s character. And so we move onto the second task.

Task 2 – The Lying Detective

This section of the Sherrinford saga is the three Garridebs, the closest thing that the fandom has ever got to a collective trauma. I do think, however, that it’s fully reclaimable for tjlc and means the same as we always wanted it to; I also think that it’s possibly the most gutting part of Eurus’s metatfictional power play.

If you haven’t read The Adventure of the Three Garridebs, it’s quite short and the most johnlocky of the Holmes canon, so I’d thoroughly recommend. For the purposes of mapping bbc!verse onto acd!verse, however, here’s the incredibly short version. A man called Evans wants to burgle Nathan Garrideb, so he calls himself John Garrideb and writes an advertisement from a man called Alexander Hamilton Garrideb (make of that what you will, hamilstans) declaring that he wants to bequeath his fortune to three Garridebs. “John” gets someone to pretend to be a Howard Garrideb to get Nathan out of the house to meet him – he comes to burgle the house but Holmes and Watson are lying in wait. He shoots Watson, and Holmes thinks Watson is seriously injured and so we have this wonderful section:

“You’re not hurt, Watson? For God’s sake, say you are not hurt!”

It was worth a wound–it was worth many wounds–to know the depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask. The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. All my years of humble but single-minded service culminated in that moment of revelation.

“It’s nothing, Holmes. It’s a mere scratch.”

He had ripped up my trousers with his pocket-knife.

“You are right,” he cried with an immense sigh of relief. “It is quite superficial.” His face set like flint as he glared at our prisoner, who was sitting up with a dazed face. “By the Lord, it is as well for you. If you had killed Watson, you would not have got out of this room alive. Now, sir, what have you to say for yourself?”

Mofftiss have referenced this moment as being the greatest in the Holmes canon for them, the moment when we see the depth of Holmes’s affection for Watson, and so it seems odd to waste it on such a tiny moment in TFP. Many fans, myself included, were really upset to see Eurus drop all three Garridebs into the sea, the implication being that tjlc would never be real, and it was that moment that caused many (including me) to walk away. I came back, obviously, but I completely understand why you wouldn’t. However, I want to map one Garridebs story onto the other to show how they might match up.

The Garridebs that Eurus presents us with are not the three Garridebs from the story. In the story, there are three physically present Garridebs – Nathan, John and Howard – although admittedly only Nathan is an actual Garrideb. Alexander was completely invented by John and existed only in a newspaper advertisement. Evans, alias John Garrideb, is the criminal in the Garridebs story; Alexander is an invention.

So – what happens if we substitute John for Alex in bbc!verse, as in canon they are the same person? This is interesting, because double-naming means that John becomes the killer. Whilst it’s true that John Garrideb is known as Killer Evans for his murder of a counterfeiter back in America, in canon he is done for attempted murder – of John Watson, of course. Here we have a situation where a John is set up killing John. This is exacerbated by the victim in bbc!verse being called Evans; Roger Prescott, the counterfeiter, would have been a much more canonical nod to the books, so we can assume that the choice of Evans is therefore significant. It should be noted that Evans and John/Alex Garrideb are the same person in acd!canon - so killing Evans is a representation of suicide. But, in case we weren’t there yet, the reason that Evans took the name ‘John’ is acd!canon is very likely to be because Evan is Welsh for John – so whatever way you look at this situation, you have Sherlock deducing John killing John.

This is, of course, exactly what Sherlock deduces at the end of TLD, far too slow, when we see Eurus shoot John in an exact mirror of the shot from TST – I explained in a previous chapter why this means that John is suicidal without Sherlock. However, much like the passivity of Sherlock, John and Mycroft in the first task, here we see that Sherlock’s act of deduction is good, but can’t actually save anyone; Eurus kills off our Garridebs moment as Sherlock is left to watch, and it’s notable that heart!John is the most distressed about this. Remember, in the first task Eurus left Sherlock with an image of a John who was suicidally devoted to Mary, and although the Garridebs moment is one which metafictionally highlights the relationship between Sherlock and John, she’s still presenting him with a Garridebs moment in which he is fundamentally unable to save John. This is a direct result of the Redbeard trauma that Sherlock has experienced – helplessness is key to that, and this is what Eurus has come to represent in his psyche. But – Eurus isn’t real, Eurus is testing Sherlock, trauma trying to bring him down, and Sherlock’s job in TFP is to break through the walls that his consciousness has set up for him.

The power in Sherlock saying I condemn Alex Garrideb is heartbreaking, then, because it is Sherlock recognising that he is the reason that John is going to die. Eurus is there to make him confront that reality, which she explicitly makes him do. We get the split-second moment where he thinks he’s saved Alex, and then he’s plunged into the sea – but remember, this is Eurus taunting Sherlock, presenting him with worst-possible-scenarios. TFP is set up as a game for a reason – it is a series of hypotheses cast in Sherlock’s mind by his trauma that he has to break through one by one. Remember, although she’s ostensibly trying to hurt Sherlock, Eurus’s ‘extra’ murders in the first two tasks are aimed at hurting John, which wouldn’t make sense if he weren’t the mp version of Sherlock’s heart.

Task 3 – The Final Problem

Pretty much straight after this episode aired, people were pointing out that Molly is a clear John mirror and that pretty much all of the deductions Sherlock makes here could be about John. Again, we’re seeing Sherlock’s emotions being resolved in a heterosexual context – the presence of Eurus means that he’s unable to process them in their real, queer form. However, if we take Molly to be a stand-in for John in this scene, it may tell us what TFP is about – and the scenario that Eurus presents will be the worst one, the thing that is causing Sherlock the most pain.

TLD/the previous task have shown us that John is in imminent danger, so the transition to Molly Hooper’s flat being rigged with bombs is not a difficult one; we must assume this to be the suicidal ideation that we’ve just deduced. The time limit suggests that Sherlock is running out of time to save him (fucking right he fell into a coma SIX YEARS AGO). Putting Molly in a bad mood isn’t really necessary for this scene – they make her seem a lot more depressed than she would necessarily need to be, and they emphasise her aloneness and her ability to push people away, which isn’t something we know Molly to do. These traits are all much more important in the context of a suicidal John – they paint a much clearer picture of someone who is depressed and alone than we really need for this scene, where it’s not relevant to the surface plot.

Sherlock and the audience believe he has won this task, but of course he hasn’t - there were never any explosives rigged up in Molly’s flat, and it was a ruse to destroy his relationship with Molly. This is what he fears then – what if he’s wrong? What if coming back to life because he loves John won’t save him – it will destroy him and their relationship? The problem to be wrestled with is how to save John – according to the symmetry of these tasks, that is the final problem. We know that the scenario Eurus has presented isn’t real, but Sherlock doesn’t; he is being held up by his inability to cope with interpersonal relationships, and to get to the bottom of that we’re going to need to understand what he’s been repressing – part 3 of this meta.

There’s a wonderful shot just as Sherlock is destroying Molly’s coffin which zooms up and out through a ceiling window, all the way above Sherrinford, as though to emphasise not how remote Sherrinford is but just how deep inside it Sherlock is. Given what we know about the height metaphor as well as the water metaphor, this shot is a pretty clear way of telling us – this is as deep inside Sherlock’s mind as we go, this is the nub. But Sherlock smashing up the coffin has another powerful connotation – he's refusing death. In terms of metaphor, he’s refusing John’s death – there will be no small coffin, because he will not let it happen – but the visual of him smashing the coffin also suggests that he is rejecting his own death. The two are, of course, inextricably linked. Our boys’ lives are tied together.

Epilogue: The Hunger Games

I can’t watch this without thinking of The Hunger Games, I just can’t! But regardless of how much Sherlock seems like Katniss in this section, let’s press on. I don’t count this as one of the typical tasks, because this isn’t Eurus presenting a ‘haha I tricked you scenario’ - far from it. This is Sherlock’s way into unlocking his repression. The key takeaway from this scene, as we’ll see is that trauma has hurt Sherlock, and it’s going to try pretty hard here to mutilate him – but it can’t kill him.

We get a great line from Sherlock at the beginning of this, where he tells John that the way Eurus is treating him isn’t torture, it’s vivisection. Because it’s an experiment? Perhaps. But the more logical way to phrase this would be that it isn’t vivisection, it’s torture. Torture is much more emotionally charged than vivisection as a phrase – from a writer’s perspective, this phrasing is strange because it seems to negate rather than intensify the pain our characters are undergoing. Why, then, would vivisection be more important than torture? Well, put simply, vivisection is the act of cutting someone open and seeing what’s inside – and that’s what we’re doing. This isn’t just an analogy for experimenting on people, it’s an analogy for going literally inside somebody. In EMP world, then, these words are well chosen.

Sherlock is offered the choice – John or Mycroft? Heart or brain? We might initially think that this is Eurus pressuring Sherlock into death, but that’s not the case at all – we know from the early series that Sherlock has survived before (although very unhappily) with just one of these two dominating the other. It has taken his EMP journey to unite them into a functioning entity, and Eurus is bent on destroying that, mutilating either his emotional capacity or his reasoning, the two parts that make him human. This is a good sign, as well, that trauma has been acting on Sherlock through the first three series, when his psyche was dominated by brain!Mycroft - Eurus is keen to revert to that state, when trauma had control. It is touching, then, that brain!Mycroft is willing to relinquish that control and leave Sherlock with his heart, perhaps because this new unity allows him to recognise how damaged the Sherlock he created was. We should also note that this diminishing of Sherlock’s heart is compared to his Lady Bracknell, which we know to be his repression of all Sherlock’s romantic/sexual impulses – except this time it’s less convincing, because his brain doesn’t believe it anymore. What is also devastating is heart!John’s lack of self-esteem or knowledge, the sense that he isn’t useful to Sherlock, which of course will be proven wrong.

[if anyone has thoughts on the white rectangle on the floor, do let me know. It’s bugging me!]

Mycroft says that he acknowledges there is a heart somewhere inside of him – again, this is emotionally powerful in the context of the brain/heart wrangling that we’ve seen inside the EMP. Just as Sherlock’s psyche has tried to compartmentalise them all this time and they’re finally working together, now there’s an acknowledgement that the compartmentalisation into personae is maybe inaccurate as well – brain!Mycroft’s pretence to be emotionally detached is not in fact correct, as we’ve been suspecting for a long time.

Brain!Mycroft also states that it’s his fault that this has all happened because he let Eurus converse with Jim. If you spend any time thinking about the Eurus + Jim meeting, like many elements of this show it doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a feasible way this could have been planned, recorded etc in five minutes, and although it’s true that Jim could have come back to shoot the videos under the governor’s supervision, it’s not clear why he’s so important. Unless he takes on the metaphorical significance that we’ve assigned him, letting Jim see Eurus seems pretty unimportant – he is only the garnishing on Eurus’s plan. Instead, Mycroft is at fault for letting John be in danger – not only did Sherlock misdeduce Mary (although we can lay the blame for that at the feet of heart!John - see meta on TST), his reasoning was blinded and so he missed John’s suicidal urges and the danger to his life. Brain!Mycroft holds himself responsible – all of these EMP deductions are way late, comprised of things Sherlock should have noticed when his brain wasn’t letting his heart in.

Five minutes. It took her five minutes to do this to all of us.

The lighting is dramatic, so I can’t properly gauge Ben’s expression at this moment, but his eyes look crinkled in confusion, just like they are at the moments when a sense of unreality starts to set in in TAB. Indeed, these aren’t very appropriate words for when you’re about to kill your brother; it’s like he’s being distracted, like there’s something important that he’s missing. Mofftiss are drawing attention to the sheer impossibility of the situation – and Sherlock’s nearly there. His Katniss Everdeen move, threatening to kill himself, is the recognition that his trauma doesn’t have that power – it can hurt him and deform him by twisting his psyche into unbalance, like it has before and like Eurus is trying to here, but it cannot kill him. We can see that Sherlock has risen above the one-sided dominance that he began the entire show with when Eurus shouts at him that he doesn’t know about Redbeard yet – that’s not going to change his mind today, but it’s a direct throwback to the days when it would have, in ASiP with the cabbie. Character development, folks.

The shot of Sherlock falling backwards into the dark water links to two aspects of the EMP. One is the continued metaphor of water to represent sinking into the depths of his mind. The water is so dark it looks oily – it could be argued that this is the oil that is corrupting the waters of his mind as we finally cut to the repressed memories. I quite like this reading, though I have little other oil imagery to link it to in the show. The other notable point is the slow-motion fall backwards – instead of showing Sherlock, John and Mycroft all falling, we cut to Sherlock falling backwards exactly like he did in HLV when he was shot by Mary. This is a really clear visual callback. Even though we’re going deeper, we’re linking back to the original shooting, back in reality, suggesting that this depth is paradoxically going to lead us back to the start. To go back to the oil imagery, don’t forget that oil floats on water – although it looks like we’re sinking, there’s a real sense that these repressed memories are actually pulling us to the surface of Sherlock’s subconscious, quite unlike the deep zoom out we saw when Sherlock was destroying the coffin.

And that’s it for part 2 of the TFP meta! Part 3/3 will deal with such highlights as John not being able to recognise bones and presumably getting his feet pulled off by chains. Good thing this is just a dream. See you then!

#meta #emp theory #tjlc

14 notes · View notes

rpbetter · 3 years ago

Text

Hey, everyone! I want to talk about the conversation we've recently had on this blog regarding genderbending characters, as there is a part to this I think is important and unknowable unless I say it, since it has occurred off the dash.

In this conversation, I tried to make it clear that while I held absolutely no hostility toward muns making this choice for whatever reason (or reasons) made it right for them, I had some biases going on. I always feel like it is important to be open about where I'm coming from on an issue. Every conversation on this blog is meant to be that, a conversation. This is a place where unpopular opinions are welcome and difficult things can be talked about. You cannot have those conversations in the hope that the community will broaden their views and be a little more chill if you're not being open about where you stand, too.

That also means it is an obligation to speak again when that changes, it's part of the honesty, part of the conversation. And that has happened.

Thanks to some messages, ones that were not at all meant to change my mind or anything, I got the opportunity to explore blogs and characterizations, in addition to, quite simply, being really impressed with a group of people that chose to be rational and polite, despite knowing that I wasn't into what they are passionate about. Looking through these blogs, it smacked me in the face at about three in the morning that my opinion had been unfairly colored by fandom experiences. I even said as much in my responses, and had left myself my own damn breadcrumbs as to how this had happened. Sometimes, though, it takes removing oneself from oneself to follow those innate trails to their source.

That's what happened. It was kind of a journey back in time to my first RP fandom. While things were nowhere near as toxic as they are today, this was in the late 90's and I was a minor in a fandom fully meant for and run by adults. Things were quite often...raunchy. Now, as a young teen, especially of that time period, that was just a thing to be mindful of avoiding when I didn't like it, to find a little funny when I did, and that otherwise felt the safe kind of deviant. (Don't get me wrong, in those days adults did protect minors, many of us were not subject to grooming and other abuse expressly because the twenty and thirty-somethings in our writing groups stepped in and got terrifying. But we were expected to behave maturely enough to self-avoid and take responsibility for our choices to forgo warnings of art and writing we encountered.)

Like most fandoms, my first one was dominated by cisgendered, male characters. In my particular era of it, there were two adult women and one child who were not. Many, many people genderswapped then, it was not considered a terrible thing. I wrote with genderbent versions of the canon I had, even. However, a great deal of the impetus to genderbend continually was sexualizing one or the other of the two male mains who everyone shipped together and many had some, realized or not, homophobia about shipping together. Turning one or the other into a cis woman "fixed" it. They could now be as explicit as they wanted to be without the icky feeling of writing Gay Sex. (Listen lol there were still warnings on fan sites that read "contains Gay Sex!! That's a man and a man together, don't proceed if you don't like it!" It was an era in which both of my favorite canon characters were continually insulted using homophobic slurs. Things were different. Things were a lot closer to the way muns now act like they are.)

For someone who was writing male characters because that was the gender they felt comfortable as, who did not want to be sexualized as a feminine presenting and defaulted person, that was not exactly charming. I started avoiding it like the plague. I developed some latent irritation over the matter that came out twelve to fifteen years later when still writing RP online and the MCU crashed fandom into popular culture awareness and acceptance. In many ways, I think that experience was for me what it was for a lot of older fandom folks - it was a reminder of how thrilling getting into a rich, older fandom was the first time around, but it was also a little frustrating being suddenly swamped by people who might have acted like you were a freak six months ago, now wearing three hundred dollars of merch and informing you of their arcane comic knowledge. A lot of things we experienced in the early days of online fandom were coming back around again in a huge way. Including genderbending and all the ways it can be used to do anything but explore characters.

And, hey, let's just say it - the MCU has been a bit infamous for being toxic. Whether you love it, hate it, are somehow neutral, we're all aware of the reputation, most of us have directly experienced it. I don't think it is the fault of the material or anything, I think it rests largely upon the scale and reach of the fandom. That is the mega fandom of mega fandoms. Even having only 1% toxic, terrible assholes in it would still mean you'd run into their bad behavior constantly at that size. There are definitely other factors, yes, but that's a whole other conversation when my point is that the overall toxicity of the fandom that was absolutely inescapable did not help my revived, lingering feelings of distaste surrounding the thing once again popular to do for the reasons I found it distasteful the first time.

That's alright, we're all entitled to have things we don't like, we're all entitled to not realize why or want to work on it, so long as we're not using that as a vehicle to harass and shame people. Being a person is a thing I strongly support and people are flawed and full of nuanced experiences. The whole point of this post is because I suspect that other people out there have negative viewpoints being unfairly applied (unfair to others, but also, unfair to themselves in potentially cutting themselves off from people and writing they might enjoy). My hope is that if I say I recognized this, others might be more willing to consider why they feel the way they do and whether it might not be worth it to give someone a chance they might not have otherwise. At the very least, to try to understand where others are coming from before you believe everything you're told or keep your viewpoint only to the negative experiences you've had.

Looking at these characterizations the other night/morning, what struck me so much was the feeling of well, I'd write with this person. All my requirements as stated in my rules were present. In the rules of my RP blogs, I certainly do not state that I won't write with genderbent muses, my requirements are all about the writing. If these people fulfilled that, would I have given them a chance? Would I have looked at their blog when they followed, or would I have seen that they were a genderbent version and not have clicked the URL to see any more of who had followed me?

That was really uncomfortable to contemplate! In the end, I can't say because it never happened. I wish that it had so that I could say either way, it'd be a more comfortable feeling to either know that I'd have done the reasonable thing or not. That if I did not, I could at least feel bad about it and try to make amends. I can only suspect, and my suspicion is that I'd have floated over the URL, seen the description, and in my visceral reaction, not gone farther. I'm not very happy about that suspicion.

It's not cool that I very well might have ignored someone who was doing exactly what I want and talk about doing all the time, analyzing and developing their own version of a muse. Taking into account how changing one thing, large or small, changes the character and their story, and writing it that way. Being invested in characters and writing, being a good RP partner and member of the RPC.

So, while I could have had this moment of realization quietly and never said a damn thing, it definitely affects no one's life but mine, since I did make the statements I did, I felt it was important to talk about this unseen side of the story. I had some negative opinions I didn't even realize fully, and I really appreciate some great muns for being willing to join a conversation and even allow me the opportunity to view their blogs. That's difficult when your experience is being maligned and harassed. We all know what that means in the RPC now, it means an unending string of anon hate, callouts, smear campaigns, and wondering every time you log in or go off of your blog what hatefulness you'll have aimed at you today. It does not leave much room for openness with others.

I'd like to invite everyone to consider their own feelings, not just on this matter, but other matters in the RPC that they no longer even remember why they started avoiding. If it isn't going to be triggering to you, maybe check out that side of things and make sure it really is the way you think it is, or if things have changed, if you've gotten the wrong impression of a topic, fandom, or individual person. No one is under any obligation to write with, or otherwise interact with, anything they don't like here, of course. However, it doesn't hurt anyone to be aware of all sides. To start a conversation with someone you normally wouldn't, look through blogs you might not have otherwise, or to do some self-examination on whether you're being as truthful with yourself as you think you are when you say in your rules that it's only the following things that matter to you.

Maybe you'll make some new friends or mutuals, or simply learn something about yourself and others. The most important thing is the underlying message I'm trying to demonstrate here, as I feel like it's a major issue unpinning so many others, that it's alright to be wrong. Perhaps, if I demonstrate that being wrong can be a good thing and a good thing to be open about, it'll have a less nasty flavor for other muns.

*I want to be clear about muns choosing to write a genderbent muse on the basis of smut. Just because it is something that has bothered me does not make it legitimately gross and wrong, you're fine. Those are my own personal gender-based issues. It doesn't mean this is inherently homophobic, just as genderbending isn't inherently transphobic. I don't want that to be confused in what I said. I was referencing well over twenty years ago in fandom, I have not seen anything like that in years now, and would not ascribe such things today where they are neither inferable nor directly stated by muns. I don't want anyone doing that, or feeling like I am doing that.

Just as some muns are only comfortable or interested in writing from the perspective of their own gender, it is not wrong to write something as personal as smut from one's own perspective. I shouldn't have to say that, with the way that accusations of fetishizing remain high, but the RPC is nonsensical like that, isn't it? We don't want anything but queer ships, but also, if you write queer ships that aren't of your own bodily reality, you're fetishizing them. RPC logic at its finest!

Like writing any other perspective that is not one's own, if you cannot do it in a respectful and faithful manner, I am of the opinion it should not be done. As I am of the opinion that if it makes you incredibly uncomfortable to the point of misery to write it, it should not be done. There are valid reasons why muns might not be comfortable writing out those particular logistics and they have nothing to do with homophobia.

Thanks, I don't want anyone taking this appeal to self-examine and not be hostile to others as some kind of strange permission to do so on a different topic.

#rpb updates #vespertine #genderbent muses

3 notes · View notes

aftokrvteira · 4 years ago

Text

break my heart (ch.1)

pairing: fem!eren x levi ackerman warnings: explicit smut, cliché, some other characters are genderbended too. word count: 19.1 k status: on going summary: Levi was sleeping soundly next to me and I couldn't help but smile. I got up carefully to go to the bathroom and almost tripped over Levi's pants that were still lying on the floor. I lifted them out of the way and heard something fall with a soft metallic sound. I put the pants on the bed and reached down, feeling the ground under the bed until I felt it and pulled it out. I couldn't see very well, so I took the small object with me to the bathroom. When I turned on the light, I could see it clearly in the palm of my hand.

It was a wedding ring.

prev. chapter | next chapter

available on AO3

I should've stayed home.

There was too much noise, too many people. The lights were lighting up the club intermittently and I saw everyone dancing, having fun, and having a good time. And I was sitting in a sticky little chair, in charge of the coats of my friends who had long since disappeared, invited by strangers to dance for a while and why not? have a hot moment. I was staring at my phone, trying to avoid all possible eye contact. I just couldn't find a way to feel good.

It had been almost two weeks since I'd broken up with Jean and the only progress I made was precisely taking a shower and allowing Mikasa to help me dress and get ready to go out. It had been days since I left my apartment. The wound was still very fresh. He'd dumped me for a coworker who, by the way, I couldn't even hate. After 3 years of trying to keep our relationship afloat, he found the harmony with her that we could never force between us. I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. Our breakup had simply opened a hole in my chest so deep and painful that it did not allow me to feel anything other than sadness and frustration at not being enough.

When I went down my Instagram feed, a new publication of the aforementioned appeared before my eyes. It was a beautiful photo of them together at a romantic dinner at the same restaurant where I had begged him for months to take me to —. Son of a bitch ... —I whispered, immediately tapping the screen to see the tags on the photo. Her profile was just what I expected from a girl like Marcie: pictures of food, flowers, adorable selfies ... What did she have that I didn't? Was it her freckles? Her nose? I was in the middle of my stalking session when my cell phone suddenly turned off, making me curse. Of course I had forgotten to charge it before going to the club, thinking that I would not need it ...

—Are you still sitting here? — I could barely hear Mikasa's voice over the music. I shot her an unfriendly look and she rolled her eyes. She came over, sitting next to me. I immediately felt that there were several eyes glued to her and with good reason. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a white sequin dress with a very revealing low back. She stood out like nobody else —. Erin, I didn't bring you to babysit the coats.

—You forced me to come here.

—I didn't force you to come just so you could sit alone all night.

She raised a hand to get the attention of a waiter and ordered a round of tequila shots. Around the same time April appeared, asking for an extra one for herself.

—You should follow April's example —Mikasa said, to which the blonde blushed a little, but without hiding her smile. I noticed then that her lipstick was a little smudged and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Well I'll be damned. April Arlert, the one who was unable to make her own order at a restaurant, had been hooking up with someone. Even she was getting out of her comfort zone —. Spill it, April.

—He's a lawyer! It's a dream, really. He even has his own law firm!

—Did you hooked up with him or did you interviewed him for a job? —I asked, to which she just laughed —. You want me to start networking at the club like her? I could use a new job —Mikasa nudged me just as the waiter reappeared with the shots, a plate of salt, and lemon wedges. Mikasa quickly put the glass in my hand.

—You take it and as soon as you do, you'll come with me. We'll go fishing — she said, even though I knew it was an order. I frowned. The sooner I did it, the sooner I could go back to the table to sink into my misery and at least Mikasa couldn't bother me with the excuse that I hadn't played along. I nodded reluctantly and drank the tequila in one gulp, feeling my throat and stomach burn. Almost immediately Mikasa grabbed my wrist —. Are you coming, April?

The blonde smiled again and shook her head, sipping her tequila and turning to go back to her mysterious lawyer. Mikasa tugged on my arm again and I walked behind her, wading through the couples and groups dancing on the floor without any inhibition. We walked almost the entire ground floor of the club and I had not seen anyone who caught my attention. I could only think of Jean and Marcie, at their dinner ... Oh, surely they would already be in his apartment. She would upload a picture of what she had eaten and then Jean would fuck her because that's what he liked to do. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth.

—Where do you think you're going? —Mikasa stopped me before I could take a step towards the table where I could be calm and sad —. Let's dance.

—I don't want to dance —I exclaimed, but she didn't seem to hear me and dragged me onto the floor, where we made up space. She began to dance, moving to the beat of the music, drawing male and female glances alike, and every now and then she would signal me to play along. I stayed still, uncomfortable, looking for an escape route that fortunately came when a blonde girl with very, very blue eyes approached Mikasa. I took advantage of that distraction to sneak up to the bar where I asked for a glass of water, thinking about how I could go back home. I knew that going to that club hadn't been a good idea because every minute that passed I couldn't help but feel worse and worse. My feet ached from my heels. My dress made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to go to bed in my pajamas, cry and watch reality shows about wedding dresses that I would never have because I would be alone forever.

—Do you mind if I sit with you?

I could perfectly hear a male voice above the music. I turned to look at him, ready to reject him, but I was speechless. The man in question was not only handsome, but his face seemed to have been carved by angels. He wore a black shirt that fitted perfectly what should be well-worked, firm arms and abdomen. The first few buttons were loose, letting me see more of his pale skin gleaming in the club lights. His dark gaze was still fixed on me and all I could do was nod, incredulous that such a guy was talking to me. I hadn't seen him when I went fishing with Mikasa. I would never have overlooked such a man.

—What are you drinking? —He asked, looking at my glass.

—Water — he raised an eyebrow and the shadow of a smile appeared on his face —. I ... I don't usually drink much —. He chuckled and called the bartender.

—Bring me two Manhattans— he said —. With cherries.

—I don't drink with strangers —I said immediately. He was unfazed by my words and instead held out a hand. Hesitantly, I took it and he gave me a gentle tug so he could speak into my ear.

—I'm Levi —he said, and his voice made me shudder. It was masculine, deep ... capable of melting butter —. And you?

—Erin—. He shook my hand in his before taking a step back.

—Nice to meet you, Erin —he smiled at me and I went weak at the knees —. Now that we're not strangers ...—he slid the glass in my direction. The amber liquid looked attractive, not to mention the bright red cherry that decorated it —. Did you come alone?

—Are you going to kidnap me? —I asked, without thinking my words and immediately closed my mouth. My question didn't seem to bother him, but he just took a swig of his drink, still looking at me. I cleared my throat —I came with my friends, but ...

—They dumped you — Levi said. I nodded, with a resigned expression. I took the glass and took a long swallow, gesturing at the strong taste. He laughed again —. I thought you were joking when you said you didn't drink much —I shook my head. He took another sip of his drink and encouraged me to try again, this time taking small, short sips to savor the cocktail —. I've been dumped too — he commented —. I came with a friend, he told me he'd go to the bathroom and ... he's probably taking the biggest shit in the world because he's been missing for almost an hour —I laughed and he seemed satisfied. It was the first genuine laugh I'd let out since the breakup. It felt really good.

Levi turned out to be a very good distractor. I liked the idea of staying at the bar talking with him and as we drank, the music and the lights stopped feeling annoyed and little by little I moved my feet or my head to the rhythm of the songs.

—Let's dance —I said suddenly, setting my glass on the bar. Maybe I was letting alcohol take over my actions for a moment. I wasn't drunk, but the pleasant tickle of the drink was beginning to settle in my body, relaxing me. I didn't know any of the songs completely, but I didn't mind sticking to the beat. I cannot say that I am an exceptional dancer, but I felt comfortable and sensual while moving my hips and waist. I felt Levi's warm hands on my waist, as if his heat penetrated the fabric of my dress. Each time he got closer to me, adapting to my rhythm, guiding me, sticking his body to mine. His fingers ran over my abdomen and my ribs in up and down motions. Every now and then they brushed my legs or came dangerously close to the hem of my dress. My back was close to his chest and I felt free enough to enjoy the movements that brought my butt to his crotch.

I felt his breath on my neck and our gazes met for a few seconds before I, driven by alcohol or spite, dared to kiss him.

Wasn't this what Mikasa wanted me to do? Finding a stranger, dancing with him, kissing him...

Levi's mouth tasted like cherry and whiskey. I raised a hand to caress his cheek as our tongues brushed, savoring each other. Something throbbed inside me. An urgency that I thought I would never feel again after breaking up with Jean. One of Levi's hands moved down my abdomen gently and as his fingers descended on my belly, his kisses traveled from my mouth to my neck. Then I felt him touch my crotch and I couldn't help moaning softly. I felt my pussy throb and burn, asking for more of those delicate and provocative touches. The heat was building inside me and again I sought his mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck. He attracted me in the same way, as if he felt the same hunger as me.

Kissing him was on another level, unknown and addictive. I didn't know anything but his name and I didn't care. Desire was evident between us and grew as I tangled his soft dark hair around my fingers, feeling the tingle of his undercut in the palm of my hand. We separated for a few seconds, to catch our breath. His eyes shone and I felt his warm breath close. We exchanged glances for just a few seconds, but it didn't take more. He took me by the hand to lead me off the dance floor and onto the second floor of the club. Surely there he had been hidden from my sight. He guided me to the VIP area, away from the rest of the tables and hidden behind a large screen.

He sat on one of the dark chairs and pulled me back to him and I sat on his lap and kissed him again. His hands ran down my back, pressing the fabric of my dress, as if he wanted to reach my skin through it. Instinctively I wiggled my hips, to restart the rub from before, feeling a chill as I felt his crotch harden and grow as it rubbed against my already damp underwear. I didn't stop myself from letting out soft moans and gasps, especially when his hands squeezed my ass, caressing my buttocks with a mixture of perversion and softness that I hadn't known before.

I slid the tip of my tongue down his neck until I gently bit into his earlobe, which produced a satisfying growl from him. Levi spanked me, which pleasantly surprised me and made me moan. We continued kissing until I felt my lips swollen and an unbearable heat invaded us both. Levi stroked my body possessively and it was as if I had never been touched before. His hands explored my belly, my ass, and my breasts, squeezing them gently.

—I want to fuck you —he whispered in my ear, sending a chill through my entire body. He took one of my hands and brought it directly to his erect member. I felt my cheeks light up even more and I bit my lip —. I can't take it anymore. I want to feel you— I gulped and, wordlessly, I nodded, to which he half-smiled. He took his coat from the back of the sofa and stood up, offering me his hand.

We returned to the first floor and I asked him to wait for me at the entrance of the club while I collected my sweater and my purse. I hurriedly walked over to our table, where I found Mikasa chatting animatedly with the same blonde girl from before.

—Erin! —she called out my name when she saw me —. This is Annie ... —she said, though she seemed to forget what she wanted to say about her. It wasn't necessary, because they seemed quite close already. Annie's hand on Mikasa's thigh spoke for itself —. Where were you? —she asked. I went over to get my things.

—I'm leaving ... with someone— I simply said. It took her a second to understand it and she let out a shout of glee —. We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Tell April there will be tea! — I gave her a kiss on the cheek and I waved goodbye. Mikasa continued to celebrate my success for a moment before turning her attention back to Annie.

Returning to Levi, I was overcome by a sudden emotion and anxiety that I did not know how to control. The freezing air outside only made me realize how hot I was burning inside. Levi took my hand while we waited for the guy from the valet parking to return with his car. I must say that I don't know anything about cars, but it was a very nice model, with an elegant dark color and a sophisticated look. Judging from the valet's shocked look, it appeared to be a good vehicle. Levi opened the passenger door for me and hurried to get into the car.

Lights flashed through the window. I knew he was just as eager as I was because he took advantage of every red light to caress my leg, my cheek, or kiss me deeply until I was breathless.

As soon as we reached our destination, I couldn't help but be impressed. I recognized the building and knew we were in the upper part of town. Levi guided me inside and as we entered the elevator, he pushed me against the wall, kissing my neck shamelessly, touching me wherever he wanted, looking for a way to be closer. It was so pleasant to feel wanted in such a way that I just let myself go.

The doors jingled open and a stunning immaculate, elegant apartment appeared before my eyes that had his vibe wherever I looked. I didn't have much time to fully appreciate it, as he devoured my mouth again. He lifted me into his arms, carrying me into the main room, where he placed me on the bed and pinned me under his body.

My fingers brushed his skin but his shirt became a hindrance, so using a skill and dexterity I didn't know I possessed, I unbuttoned it and finally had access to his firm, bare abdomen. I ran my fingers over his muscles, rapt at the smooth texture of his skin, eager to taste it. Levi stripped off his shirt and dropped it to the side of the bed. He took me in his arms and in the blink of an eye I was in my underwear and he looked at me closely, as if he was ogling me. Just in the darkness of the room I could make out his smile and my skin prickled when I felt his lips kiss my neck, calmly going down my collarbones and the space between my breasts. My abdomen and my belly were covered with soft kisses. I felt his fingers play with my panties and his nails tickled me as he slid the fabric down my legs until they were removed. I held my breath for a few seconds, as his hands caressed me provocatively, getting closer and closer to my wet pussy. He gently parted my thighs and I felt his warm breath on me.

I sighed when I felt his tongue run through me and it was only a matter of seconds for the room to fill with the wet clicks of his mouth against my pussy. I spread my legs wider, raised my hips, seeking more of that delicious contact that made me gasp and moan of pure pleasure. His tongue made circular movements around my clit and I arched my back in the rush of pleasure it caused me. Levi seemed delighted to bury his face between my legs, because he was barely pausing to breathe and his hands were gripping my thighs, squeezing my skin, as if he didn't want to pull away. My belly contracted when I felt the tip of his tongue slide inside me, giving me an unfamiliar but delicious sensation. I tangled my fingers in his dark hair, pulling him closer to me as I felt the pleasure build more and more, threatening to make me explode. Before that happened, I tugged at his hair to make him lift his head so I could look at him.

—I don't want to come yet —I gasped —. I want to come when I have your dick inside me.

My words seemed to convince him, as he got out of bed and I heard the clink of his belt and his pants fell to the floor. But he didn't get on the mattress right away, instead he approached the edge of the bed, caressing my cheek with one hand while stimulating his erect member with the other. At the sight of it, I had little to gape. It was much bigger than I expected. His thumb slid down my lower lip, as if asking permission to enter and I indulged him, licking and sucking on him.

—You have beautiful lips —he said in a low voice, almost like a purr. He took his thumb out of my mouth and brought the tip of his penis closer to me —. Show me what you can do.

As if it were an order, I parted my lips to lick the tip, slowly. Little by little I was letting it enter my mouth completely, and even so, it did not fit me whole. A choking sensation brought tears to my eyes, but I didn't stop. I took his member with my hand and began to masturbate it, continuing to lick and suck it, enjoying its taste. From time to time he would push it until it touched my throat and this caused him a growl of pleasure that excited me more and more. With my free hand I decided to attend to that excitement by masturbating, feeling how wet I was. This seemed to attract his attention.

—Are you anxious? —he asked and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was smiling —. Tell me what you want.

—I want you to fuck me — I asked bluntly, without gasping —. I want you to shove your cock deep into me and make me moan until I lose my voice ... Please — I added, tinting my voice with desire and lust that were already on the verge of driving me mad. He seemed satisfied with my request and before climbing to the bed, I saw his silhouette looking for something in the drawer of the night table. A few seconds later, he was already kneeling between my legs and I heard the familiar sound of a condom being opened.

I thought briefly about what was happening. I searched my mind for some regret or guilt, but found nothing but a longing to be possessed by this stranger who had approached me in a club. Perhaps the two sexless weeks I had been subjected to were causing havoc or perhaps I just wanted to find an escape from my sadness and loneliness. Either way, I was enjoying it like never before.

Levi groaned as he entered me and I felt that, even being so wet and aroused, it was difficult for me to adjust to his size.

—Shit —he muttered —. You're so tight ...—he moved closer to my face and his hands pinned my wrists against the mattress —. You're amazing —he said before kissing me wildly again. His hips moved slowly, as if he too was getting used to my insides. He straightened up again and released my hands to grasp my thighs and raise my hips. In that new position I felt him go deeper and was unable to contain a loud moan. He increased the rhythm of the thrusts and my voice rose higher and higher, at times mixing with his.

Suddenly, he released my legs and tugged on my bra, pulling it up to release my breasts. He took them in his hands, teasing my nipples until they were hard. This seemed to be his goal, as he descended to catch one of them in his mouth, sucking gently on it. That new stimulus gave me a new wave of pleasure and I moved my hips too, to adjust to his rhythm, moaning his name. I slid my right hand over my abdomen and, as he penetrated me, I stimulated my clit with my fingers, taking me a level beyond the pleasure I was experiencing.

My thoughts were only filled with Levi: his body, his hands, his voice, his tongue. There was nothing else I wanted in the world but to have this man make me his for the rest of eternity. The way his body fit in with mine was nothing like the way Jean and I had sex. What I had with Levi totally overshadowed Jean's routine caresses. It was wonderful.

At one point, Levi took out his member and, with impressive dexterity, he shifted positions and put me on all fours. I pressed my chest to the mattress and raised my hips as high as possible.

—Erin ...—he said breathlessly, grabbing my ass, squeezing it —. You're the most magnificent thing I've ever seen in my fucking life —he then gave me a loud spanking and shoved his dick back into me, filling me completely. Our skins collided in a delicious symphony that matched my moans and gasps so well. Occasionally he would spank me again and each time he did it brought me one step closer to ecstasy. I felt his hand tangle through my hair and tug on it, making me arch my back until I felt his breath on my neck, rough, wild. His other hand was already taking care of caressing my clitoris once more and the stimulation of his fingers was delicious and unbearable.

—Ah, Levi! —I moaned his name, lost in pleasure, about to lose control —. I'm coming! My God, I'm coming! —I exclaimed and he accelerated his thrusts. With a delicious contraction and a heavenly burst, orgasm invaded me, plunging me into a state of pure pleasure that made my skin tingle. A few seconds later I felt his hands grip my hips, digging his fingers into my skin. He moaned my name and I knew we had both reached the height of pleasure at the same time.

He pulled away from me and I laid down on the bed, while he went to the bathroom. My heart was pounding and I was trying to regulate my breathing. With some difficulty I ended up removing my bra and the brush of the cold sheets with my warm skin felt delicious. After a couple of minutes, Levi came back and laid down on the bed next to me. I wondered whether I should get close to him or not. I didn't think he wanted to cuddle after sex, because, after all, we were just two strangers who had made out. I turned to see him and he was staring blankly at the ceiling. I was able to appreciate his profile more closely and felt an uncontrollable urge to caress his cheek. As if reading my mind, he turned his face and our eyes met.

—Do you want to spend the night here? —he asked suddenly. I couldn't see his face clearly so I didn't know if he meant it or not. I was silent for a few seconds, thinking about my answer. I wanted to stay, of course, but didn't know what that entailed. Maybe he was just being nice and didn't want to be that jerk who throws the girl out of his apartment after fucking her —. It's late —he added —. I don't want you to go home alone. I'll take you home tomorrow —. That was a very kind offer —. —Besides ... I want to see you again —he said and his words took me by surprise. I thought maybe my pussy had bewitched him enough to say that... Although maybe it was just a very decent request to have casual encounters on a regular basis. I thought about it for a moment.

—Sounds good to me— I replied, leaning on my side to face him. I heard him sigh, as if in all that time he had held his breath. I was startled when I felt his hand caress my cheek. He was the one who got closer to me and the closeness made me slightly nervous. His hand traveled down my lower back, drawing me to him and our skins brushed once more, causing me to shiver. Maybe he wasn't just looking for sexual relief. Levi settled in to hug me to his chest and seemed to be cooing down as he stroked my back. I won't deny that it was a very comfortable feeling, but I was a bit confused about it. I've never heard of a one-night stand that ended with cuddling in the aforementioned bed. At least That was not what my friends had told me about one night stands. I placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat. A pleasant warmth ran through my body. Was I getting carried away by my stupid romanticism? I let my mind wander for a few seconds.

Levi had been an interesting surprise that night. Not just because of the sex, but because at the club it had been so easy for me to talk to him. He had made me laugh and even forget how lonely I had felt the last few days. I liked the feeling. It was like regaining a part of me that I thought had disappeared along with my relationship with Jean. Maybe it wasn't so bad being like this, holding each other, together. It felt like a preamble, a risk that I was willing to take, despite my bad past experience. I couldn't live trapped in my bitterness. Maybe Levi would be the breath of fresh air I needed. I also wanted to see him again. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me slowly, feeling a small flame of warmth ignite in my chest.

A few hours later I woke up. Levi was sleeping soundly next to me and I couldn't help but smile. I got up carefully to go to the bathroom and almost tripped over Levi's pants that were still lying on the floor. I lifted them out of the way and heard something fall with a soft metallic sound. At first I thought it was Levi's belt buckle, but the impact hadn't been that strong. It was something smaller. I put the pants on the bed and reached down, feeling the ground under the bed until I felt it and pulled it out. I couldn't see very well, so I took the small object with me to the bathroom. When I turned on the light, I could see it clearly in the palm of my hand.

It was a wedding ring.

#aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #riren fanfic #female eren jaeger #female eren yeager #fem!eren #levi x eren

9 notes · View notes

sd1970x · 5 years ago

Text

My Miraculous Ladybug coming out story

CW: Transphobia.

[TL;DR - I've written an MLB fanfic. That fanfic allowed my trans subconscious to express itself and eventually I took note and came out of the closet.

I have also suffered abuse in the fandom. This abuse managed to make a presumably safe-space entirely unsafe, just when I needed it the most. This is not a payback post and no names will be mentioned. I am writing this post as a plea for increased diversity and kindness in the fandom]

Hi again.

So, some of you may remember me as taking an active part in the fandom and the subreddits around 2 years ago or so. My attraction to magical girl shows was very much established years ago, but when I first caught a glimpse of my daughter watching MLB, I was hooked. I also saw a wonderful bonding opportunity which indeed lived up to its part. But there was more to come. As season 2 went into hiatus, I filled the void by starting to read fics to my daughter. Then I wrote a few shorts. Then I started writing what would later become a work that changed my life.

The original inspiration for this work was (*drumroll*) an old genderbending anime, now about a decade old. During the course of writing it, I was starting to get feedback about how 'trans' this feels and how it's rife with gender themes, which helped me reach a conclusion: "I ought to get someone to do sensitivity reading for me, lest I end up hurting someone!"

But eventually, one fateful day I admitted to myself that I'm writing something deeper and that my OC must be some form of self-insert whether I like it or not.

No more than a week after that insight, I was out of the closet.

This, in turn, ravaged my life, as it has for many trans people. I'm up on my feet again now, but it's been a rocky ride - including a divorce, social transitioning with COVID-19 at the background.

The work went into hiatus as my life changed irrevocably, but it is now finally finished.

But that's not all I wanted to talk with you about today. My perception of reality is different to the cishet one and my thinking alien to it. The MLB fandom is decidedly cishet and is driven by a cishet lovesquare. Expressions to the contrary are generally unwanted and undesired by readership, as are takes that stem from such a point of view. Narratives that espouse a straight, easy-to-digest trans narrative might be supported on the basis of that trait but eventually this is all too restrictive to the cis perception of what trans is.

A point to mull over is that perspectives of transness (in particular ones that don't align with the cis perspective) are bound to be either expressed by self-inserts and/or significant derailment of main characters, both of these expressions highly policed and denigrated in the fandom.

But that's just how life is for someone who's LGBT and trans, one cannot and should not simply fault cishet people for being what they are and liking what they like and being unable to truly connect with the trans experience.

Up until when it comes to abuse. Literal abuse which was designed to rob me of my participation in an MLB LGBT forum and has successfully achieved that goal. I have screencapped evidence of such but it will be kept private for obvious reasons.

It's all too much to be a mere coincidence. As if just being what I am has inevitably brought this about. Since coming out I have encountered a good amount of transphobia and I'm now more empowered to deal with it than the shell-shocked response I originally had when it was but a few days after coming out.

The fandom hasn't felt safe for me since and probably never will, but here's my plea to you:

Consider that your own insular cishet view might be stopping you from seeing things the way other people see them. Consider that actually supporting diversity and LGBT/trans creators might force you to adopt a thinking which isn't 'natural' for you.

Consider that any act of bullying, even if aimed at a supposedly-acceptable target, might have a lot more ramifications than you planned for.

Be extra kind, more kind than you think is appropriate. People might need it.

And last but not least, say a loud NO to bullying of any form.

#miraculous #miraculous fandom #miraculous lb #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfic #trans #coming out

30 notes · View notes

onyxium · 4 years ago

Text

PRIVATE + HIGHLY SELECTIVE + LOW ACTIVITY + MATURE ROLEPLAY BLOG FOR 𝑳𝑬𝑽𝑰 𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑨𝑵 FROM ATTACK ON TITAN. PRIVATE ? i will only interact & write with mutuals. inbox / ims are open to anyone. SELECTIVE ? i won’t respond to everything that’s sent my way, & do not write threads in any particular order. in short, i write what inspires me. LOW ACTIVITY ? i have a life & plenty to do outside of tumblr. this is my hobby! if i’m not answering your ims or asks, i am probably not around.

𝑵𝑶𝑻𝑬𝑺.

LEVI. 34 years old. cis male. captain of the survey corps’ special squad & begrudging team dad. s tier titan slaying machine. probably will not kiss your oc.

𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑺 .

FOLLOWING. i am incredibly choosy about who i follow ; please do not take any sort of offense if i don’t follow you back! to increase the likelihood of me doing so, please have your age clearly visible on your theme or in your rules ; failure to do so will result in me unfollowing or passing you by. i do not follow underaged roleplayers! INTERACTING. quickest way to interact with me is by sending memes! if you respond to a meme that i sent using tumblr’s ask system, i will create a new thread for it rather than reblog it directly to keep things neat & tidy. please TRIM YOUR REPLIES as you are able! CONTAINS NSFW CONTENT. triggering or otherwise. anything that falls into this category ( gore, sexual content, excessive violence, otherwise mature themes ) will be tagged with ╰—; 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍. ⋆ ( R18+. ) ; please blacklist that tag if you are sensitive to it, though lbr here we’re all in the snk fandom & know what we’re in for. TRIGGERS. i do not have any triggers that you need to worry about ; however if you need me to tag certain things that could trigger you, please send me a message about it!

𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑫 ‘ 𝑵𝑶 ’𝑺 .

NO BIGOTRY / SEXISM / RACISM / TRANSPHOBIA / HOMOPHOBIA / GENERAL DOUCHEBAGGERY / ETC.. just don’t be a fucker. i think that should go without saying, but apparently it doesn’t on tumblr dot com. NO PERSONALS. don’t follow or try to interact with me. don’t like / reblog my roleplays or graphics. all personals are blocked on sight, as are any blogs that cannot be determined to be roleplay blogs. NO ANON HATE OR DRAMA. this includes vaguing. this blog does not send or participate in anon hate, burn books, or anything of that nature, & i expect my followers to comport themselves in a similar manner. if i find that you have been engaging in these behaviors or your blog contains vague posting or too much ooc complaining or drama, i will block you. NO KINS. this is not a kin friendly blog. sorry, it makes me very uncomfortable. NO GENDERBENDS. see the above reason. NO BLOG POLICING. this is my blog & safe space. boundaries are safe to draw for both parties without attempting to cancel the other for not behaving the way that is desired. if we don’t mesh that’s fine! i’m here to have a good time & release stress, not to be bitched at by someone over a computer screen for writing something that someone doesn’t like or agree with. FANDOMS. if your muse is an integral part of any of the following fandoms, do not interact with me. i am not interested in partaking in their fandom mentality & the drama that they carry or simply their content. dc comics. harry potter. hazbin hotel. helluva boss. homestuck. marvel comics / mcu. my little pony. on that note, obviously do not follow me if you have attack on titan in your dni. duh. i don’t have the patience to constantly explain that just because i write a character from the fandom does not mean that i agree with the author’s views.

𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷𝑷𝑰𝑵𝑮.

I WILL NEVER HATE ON / UNFOLLOW YOU FOR YOUR SHIPS. MULTISHIP. i will not tolerate flack or jealousy. CHEMISTRY BASED. all ships are to be previously discussed if the muses seem to be interested in one another. levi is decidedly not pro—relationship, good luck. SMUT. more likely to occur than romance. if this bothers you, please blacklist the tag ╰—; 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍. ⋆ ( R18+. ) to avoid seeing it. I SHIP ERURI !! rivetra is also possible. pretty much if you aren’t erwin or petra, don’t expect a romantic relationship to come easily, if at all. only other relationship that is pre—established here is levi’s bond with FARLAN CHURCH.

𝑪𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑰𝑻𝑺.

GRAPHICS. psd is crossroads by jaynedits with some tweaks by me. they also made my icon frame, & i edited the faux block quotes. IMAGES. all art herein is from the manga for no regrets & various doujinshi unless otherwise noted!

𝑨𝑫𝑴𝑰𝑵 .

ARLO. 29. MST ( colorado ). aries. hiddlestan. proud supporter of the survey corps & team instinct & loki’s army ; horror connoisseur of medical intrigue & a mythology nut. enjoys superhero shenanigans, hoarding aus, & dark / horror content. constantly listens to music. FACECLAIM. snufkin from the moomin franchise! SCHEDULE. i work part time for amazon from 2—6pm sun—thurs. DISCORD. will be selectively given out.

#╰—; ᴛʜɪs ɪs ʏᴏᴜʀ 𝐂𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍 sᴘᴇᴀᴋɪɴɢ﹗﹗ ⋆ ( OOC. )#rules post !!#long post is long i'm sorry but ... y'know. necessary.

4 notes · View notes

curiosity-killed · 4 years ago

Text

super long rambling and a fair bit of whining abt my relationship with dance AUs bc this is what my brain chose to fixate on for my whole extremely sloggish run

Because I love dance and because I love writing and because I do rather a lot of both, I pretty consistently struggle with my complete and utter block on writing dance AUs and I’ve basically realized that it comes down to a three-prong barricade that gets progressively harder to overcome as you move through it

Because part of it is just technical. Writing about dance is hard from a dancer’s perspective. I know dance, I know the mechanics of it and the sensations of it. I can walk you through the technical details of a 3-minute variation and I can tell you how my heart lifts and body fills with light the moment I step onto the stage. I can give you the nitty gritty and I can give you the grand metaphors—and I cannot for the life of me balance the lens on the middle ground.

I got asked on bumble what my favorite dance step is and immediately answered tour jete (or entrelace, depending on your school). And then, because the person wasn’t a dancer, I followed up with, “it’s a big fun jump that makes you feel like you’re flying.”

Yeah. That clears everything up.

A story cannot be made by a Big Jump That Feels Like Flying. Do you know how many steps that could cover?? Hell, how many disciplines?? A barrel leap is a big jump that can feel like flying. So is an Italian pas de chat. All three of these are w i l d l y different steps.

So there’s the words but—how to translate a language of precise motion and sweeping emotion into plain language accessible to people who haven’t grown up in this pidgin tongue of bad French and weird metaphors. Tombe pas de bourre glissade pas de chat contre temps—this is my language of dance. This is not only clear instruction on what steps to take but also the rhythm of it conveyed in the syllables and accents. I read this and not only see the dance across stage but feel the sway of my torso as I mark along, the flick of my wrist as I shape the steps before they’re taken, physical reminders of 17 years of training and study.

A reader reads this and their eyes glaze over and roll back in their heads.

To go the opposite way, to lay it all out in the actual physical motions is, if possible, even worse. Fall (gracefully) onto your right leg while extending your left with pointed foot to cross your left behind your right to step your right to the side to— *gasp for breath* Yeah, no.

The solution to this, in theory, is the kind of checklist I go through while performing: emotion, motion, technique. (Incidentally, this is the opposite of my checklist while rehearsing or taking class) Draw the reader in with the feel of it, move them with familiar steps, punctuate with the details. In theory. I’ve yet to make it work.

And then there’s the fact that I have had a very weird education and career in dance. I grew up dancing in the rural Midwest US—not exactly a hub of performing arts (and if you mention Joffrey, I will kindly invite you to look up “rural” and then look at Chicago).

The vast majority of dancers in the rural midwest (...RMWUS??) go to competition schools. Think Dance Moms, high kicks and tricks on Instagram, trophies and tiaras.

I.....went to a university.

We learned more about kinesiology than kicks. My teachers were fascinated by the way I could “jump like a boy” and didn’t once mention my waist circumference. It would be a lie to say it was all daisies and sweetcakes. We were competitive. Sometimes we were brats. We learned to push through severe physical pain and turned perfectionism to a weapon. Teachers had favorites and older girls could be downright mean.

But, having now danced at a competition studio, it was wildly different. When there were tears in the dressing room, it was because we were graduating and going far across the country from each other—not because a teacher had come in and yelled at the entire cast for 15 minutes right before the show. When auditions came around, we discussed each other’s strengths and weaknesses and together determined what we thought the best casting would be (tbc we did not have a say in casting, it was all just a thought exercise).

We learned about dance not as an isolated thing we do but as a part of life—dance as an expression of culture, dance as a remarkable maximization of the human body—and are still always welcomed home.

I do, if I’m totally honest, think I got a better education than people at competition schools. But when it comes to writing fanfic...this is not a model of dance that is super easily accessible. Competition dance is on TV, Instagram, it’s all over. A rigorous academic approach to modern ballet...is not.

Lastly and ultimately the biggest stumbling block is: dance has always been a very gendered experience for me. My weird university education was surprisingly queer and unsurprisingly liberal, but I am a ballerina—not a danseur, not a ballet dancer. I grew up huddling under the edge of the grand piano with my friends hastily sewing pointe shoes and tingling with anticipation when we were finally old enough to wear platter tutus. I grew up pulling my hair back in tight buns and only being allowed to wear small earrings in class when I was in high school.

There’s some crossover of course. I’ve got (as Colorado Ballet says) Mad Hops so my teacher would make me do men’s tempo jumps while the rest of the girls stood on the side and caught their breath. My partner for a pas de deux fell sick one tech week so my best friend, female, partnered me instead.

Men can (and increasingly do) train in pointe shoes and wear tutus. Look at James B. Whiteside and Harper Watters for some of the most obvious examples. It is wonderful and remarkable to see gender roles changing in ballet and dance and that should be expressed in fiction as well. Men dance. Men do ballet and not just to hold up the women or to do big jumps. They can point their feet too, y’all.

(Here is where the whining really begins. Just so you’re warned.)

But when I sit down to write, the stories I want to tell are the stories I know—queer women growing up and training and learning together and challenging and supporting each other. The way you are taught ballet is very dependent on your gender. Men can train in pointe shoes, but that’s not the classical or traditional route.

While my friends and I were taping our toes and grimacing about dead shanks, the guys in our cohort were in a separate class learning how to perform big jumps and turns in second. While I was cinching tight my friend’s corset-back bodice, the guys were in tights and a shirt. Again with the jumps—it wasn’t that I was a good jumper or that I was a strong jumper, it was that I jumped like a man. It was a compliment, but it was also an exception.

Meanwhile, most of my fandoms are very heavily male. The one time I attempted to write a dance AU was for VLD and I immediately ran into the baffling problem of “There are too many boys.” As someone who’s danced my whole life...this is not (usually) a problem in the real world of dance. If I write AUs about the main characters, I am writing about male dancers. Again, great! We need more positive and varied depictions of men dancing—but it’s not what I want to write.

I wrote out an entire paragraph here only to realize that the crux of the problem is actually the usual crux of my problem with gender in fanfiction and it is, quite simply: I want more well-developed female characters. Because I can write a story about side characters, but there’s so much less to go on — and sometimes, that’s where the fun comes in. Getting to play with and create a wealth of history and character for a written-off member of the cast can be really fun. But, for me at least, the delight of AUs is slipping in and twisting around canon in a new context.

If I write a wangxian ballet AU, Wei Wuxian’s demonic cultivation can be traded for his switching abruptly to a new studio—one that uses harsh methods, demands too much from him, cuts him off from the people he used to dance with—all so that the money from his tuition can be turned to help Jiang Cheng continue at his chosen academy and pursue dance professionally. It’s a stretch, it’s a twist, but it’s within a frame readers recognize.

If I write a ballet AU with Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing...well, it’s all free form. We have so little to go on that you can make it work—Cloud Recesses becomes a summer intensive, Wen Ruohan’s conquest becomes the buying out and closing of the Jiang academy for some new development—but there’s less resonance. We’re on new ground and the reader has to offer up a lot more trust and disbelief.

Which I suppose leads us to genderbends?? Good lord. I do not know my own feelings about that enough to go anywhere. b l a r g h

so i guess this is all to say: writing good, dance good, writing dance hard. pouty face pouty face pouty face :<

#long post #personal #BEHOLD A VERY VERY VERY RAMBLING LINE OF THOUGHT

3 notes · View notes

neonlaynes · 5 years ago

Text

tagged by @tracy7307 @darlenealdreson @letshargroovetonight @highon85 @wrecked-fuse !! doing some small blurbs under my picks ^o^

Rules: Copy/paste and bold your fic preferences because why not, gotta choose one (near impossible, but go with your first gut instinct), and tag someone again.

slow burn or love at first sight

give me that lovestruck pining straight from the beginning, babeyyyy

fake dating or secret dating

both of them: yeah so this is totally not going to develop into anything

narrator: so that was a fucking lie.

enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers

enemies to lovers also is great but Only if they get to know one another and strike a tentative friendship before realizing.......hey wait........we mesh together so well.........heavy handed, stolen looks at one another.........

but also best friends to lovers because of the shared ripe history and knowing that they will generally stick through thin and thick for each other...but add some spice to the mix!!

oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance with correspondence

there is something strikingly beautiful in the yearning created from distance, and especially seeing the characters through the lens of say, written words or the comfort of their voice, or even video calling - so maddeningly close yet so far

hurt/comfort or amnesia

bro I Cannot choose..........because for amnesia they can fall in love all over again and for hurt/comfort it’s just a Classic go-to at this point, but my heart cannot take hurt only, it must be swaddled in comfort....

fantasy au or modern au

the idea of royalty/magic/magical creatures set against expansive kingdoms and forests and springs, with adventure and discovery abound and a dash of romance sprinkled? sign me tf up

mutual pining or domestic bliss

another one where I cannot choose!!! how could I. mutual pining makes mutual realization all the more sweeter when they come together, and domestic bliss is like walking on cloud nine simply spending time with one another at home.......definitely warms my heart!!

smut or fluff

I love both equally but I get a lot more emotional and excited reading tooth-rotting fluff in public let’s just say

canon compliant or fix-it fic

it’s a feat to skillfully craft around canon imo! and who’s to say that a fix-it fic wouldn’t be canon compliant if the ends are loose enough? ;)

alternate universe or future fic

AUs 100% all the way bc it is so so lovely to read how no matter which universe and whichever way, these two characters will find one another !!

one-shot or multi-chapter

there is a certain thrill in going along for the ride, especially if I catch the updates early on and look forward to updates in my inbox; also I tend to lose my place especially if the one-shot is very long

kid fic or roadtrip fic

oh no.......you’re stuck in a car for an inordinately long time with this other person that you may be a little (a lot) in love with......whatever shall you do............

reincarnation or character death

when character death is written so hauntingly well, I truly appreciate it but I am Weak and would like if it was temporary and/or reversible...

arranged marriage or accidental marriage

how do you........accidentally marry, besides a wild night in vegas? genuinely curious!!

but arranged marriage ties into fantasy AU back up there; rival kingdoms that seek a truce in wedding their children...at first they are not receptive to the idea At All but spending time w one another and sharing each others’ cultures n castles n markets etc.........mayhaps........Romance!

high school romance or middle aged romance

I like reading about high school romance bc it’s not something I have experienced and brings about a sense of nostalgia for simpler times!

time travel or isolated together

snowed in!!! sharing a bed!!!! cuddling under the covers for warmth!!!! if I am interpreting this correctly!!!!

neighbours or roommates

as much as I love roommates, distance makes the heart grow fonder. give me neighbors that are wary of each other first, but one or both of them are struck with unbridled lust and try to find out as much as possible about the other party without being too obvious, taking every chance to visit them, slowly but surely romance blooms............then they move in together.

sci-fi au or magic au

growing up I was never hugely infatuated w sci fi but you know what I /was/ bonkers over? magic. make one or the other do grandiose gestures of magic for the other in an effort to woo them. or person A so devoted they give up part of or even all of their magic to save the other........exquisite.

bodyswap or genderbend

cannot have enough of bodyswap!! admiring the other’s body to their heart’s content...seeing THEMSELF.....telling the other what their own body likes/craves.......;))

angst or crack

cause I love to mchurty

apocalyptic or mundane

is it really so mundane, when I will never tire of reading for the umpteenth time how they came home from a long day of work, ate a hearty dinner together, and shared thoughts in bed, whisper quiet, before drifting off in bliss, legs tangled under the covers?

a loooot of people have been tagged already so this is my cue to say if you would like to, feel free to say that you’ve been tagged by me and go go go !!!

#I left the blurbs vague but honestly #was thinking of harringrove the wholeeeee time #tag meme #rambles #harringrove #imagine ur OTP

8 notes · View notes

rpbetter · 3 years ago

Note

Sorry, I wasn't trying to imply that you were excluding women! I was just chiming in because too often in the RPC's discussions of genderbending, I see women's stake in the conversation get ignored or dismissed. And the people who yell that loudest about it being transphobic also tend to dismiss women's viewpoints with the most aggression, often in a way that reeks of oppression olympics: "At least you have Eowyn, so sit down and shut up." As if we should be grateful for scraps. 1/2

2/2 They act like women are taking something away from the trans community by genderbending, which is an absurd stance. Adding more women doesn't mean we're erasing trans characters. We're both facing the same problem: Massive over-representation of male characters. The people who pit us against each other and turn it into a zero sum game are only making things worse, but they refuse to see that, and if you point that out, you get called transphobic (and often get set death threats, too).

Hello, again! Thank you so much for coming back, I really appreciate that. It's seriously such an extensive issue that I don't think we can have enough voices represented. I'm sorry, too, I didn't mean to imply you did think that for certain! I was just worried I had come across as excluding this really valid point and am definitely aware of how frustrating it feels when people are having a public conversation like this about a topic that has impacted your RP experience (and very like, overall fandom experience as well) without your experience being brought up. I'd feel extremely bad if I made someone feel that way!*

*Which, again, open invitation to anyone on the "this is transphobic" side or even "this is why I'm not comfortable with it" side to politely express themselves. I'm not trying to exclude anyone from this conversation who can have it nicely. If you feel that it can be a civil discussion, you are welcome to drop in and share your thoughts. I continue to irrationally feel that if we can all discuss reasonably where we're coming from that it breeds tolerance. We don't all have to agree, we can politely disagree while expressing our different takes, you know. However, I don't have the time to remind anyone this week that dropping in with aggression isn't going to be rewarded, so, let us please not do that.

Anon, I knew you were going to say Eowyn! I'm not in the LotR fandom, but with something so widely beloved, I have had plenty of friends who were. The same goes with the MCU, you cannot be in the RPC without at least being on the periphery of it, right? It's this way with my primary fandom as well, a predominance of male characters and the female characters you do have tend to lack the nuance and wide degree of choices.

Watching all three, and more, has always reminded me of being the only girl in my friend groups as a child when we played as characters from popular movies. Granted, I didn't want to be the literal only female character available in most of those movies anyway, they were simply not my kinds of characters, and looking back at it, it is kind of gross that my default option as an afab child was a single sexualized female love interest or simply, the sassy love interest. The hostility even as a five-year-old was intense when I refused to play as one of them and insisted on being one of the male characters instead...it was worse the few times when I got much older, like teen older, and did sort of genderbent takes on costumes for things like Halloween. Would have been fine if I was doing it as Sexy Main Character, but since it was simply Implied Gender Swap Main Character, oh no. Not acceptable!

It reminds me of all this because everyone who is comfortable with the choices they have refuse to accept anyone else's choices that have to be redesigned. And, people, look...I understand if someone doesn't like how that changes their canon interaction with the story and their own character, I don't understand vilifying someone for it. Just. Don't. Interact. Like so many things muns have a fit about, genderbending characters are never going to be the majority take, they're never going to be capable of pressuring you to interact purely because of that. No one is forcing anyone to like something or participate in it, I don't even say that someone can't complain about it in their own spaces, just let people live their lives without bringing harassment and trivializing serious matters like transphobia into it.

I think that a lot of the issue stems from the sort of community we have. Bad things generate bad things. The RPC has always been primarily made up of women and a ton of identities from the queer community, this was a safe space for many types of marginalized people to explore and participate uniquely in fandom with each other. Unfortunately, because so many of us are marginalized people, when we're aware that many of our platforms are infiltrated by bad actors, we start seeing them everywhere. Our own bad actors start weaponizing that suspicion and the language.

When it comes to women, there is the idea in fandom, absolutely coming from misogynistic ideas, that all women are interested in are "deviant," sexual stories and ruining spaces with their gross girl things. All women want romance novels, but make it more problematic. In itself, this idea is problematic lol romance novels are quietly popular because they're written as a different sort of fantasy-fulfillment that returns agency to female characters, allows them to be sexual without punishment, and makes them desirable as people, among other things. Any time a RPer is cisgendered female, especially if they are also heterosexual or lesbian, they are instantly categorized as a problem. You're automatically a radfem, a terf, you're fetishizing, etc. That's how any decision you make is going to be addressed.

So, coincidentally, one of the most visible groups doing genderbending is women and it's now transphobic.

I think you're right that it's an issue of "my oppression is worse than you're oppression, and you're now oppressing me." It's unfortunately true that we have women in the RPC that have some really poor takes and actions, but it's also true that we have everyone else here that does as well. This is divisive, and division among the marginalized benefits no one in that category.

All it's doing is exactly what you've said, it's giving a free pass to ignore the problem everyone is dealing with. There are a plethora of cis male characters only. If you don't want to write one, well, your two options are the tiny handful of consolation prize female characters that are nothing like the male ones or writing a transfem character. That's not alright. Turning this into stakes that benefit no one in this community is not alright. Sending people death threats and running them out of the community by essentially blackballing them as being transphobes is not alright. Whom do you people doing this think it is benefiting?

Genderbending a character isn't erasing a trans character. There aren't any canon trans characters in Lord of the Rings, in Marvel's cinematic universe, in Star Wars' film universe, in DC's film universe, I could keep going. Having a very hard time thinking of any hugely popular franchise that has a single canon, on screen depiction of a trans character. Your options are male or female, cisgendered. So, you're literally not erasing what isn't there to erase, for one.

Additionally, making a male canon female and not portraying them as trans isn't doing so either. RPers are not representation. It is, again, perfectly fine to be your own representation, we literally have to do this if we want to write characters more like us as individuals, but it's no one's job here to give you what Hollywood won't. RPers do not have to make themselves uncomfortable and inevitably be harassed for doing it wrong, or honestly, doing it wrong and being highly offensive because they were pressured. RPers are not obligated to interact with each other, either.

Not being comfortable writing with a trans iteration does not make one inherently transphobic either, you're not talking about real people here. If you won't interact with a real trans person, you're transphobic, yes. If you are uncomfortable interacting with a trans RP character, you probably have a valid reason - this damn RPC. It's alright to not want to interact with someone who makes one facet of a character the only facet, or who will become aggressive and accusatory if you don't agree to every plot, ship, etc. supposedly because their character is trans (or anything else). I'm sorry, I know that being treated badly online and off makes one suspicious and ready to jump to accusations and assumptions of others, but it's this very inclination that makes other RPers hesitant to interact with some folks in the RPC.

No, before anyone says it, no one here is under any obligation to be good representation and educational material who is infinitely positive and tolerant as a real, live human being. That's not what I'm saying. Just that the reality has become one of easy and quick accusations that are making other people wary of interacting. No one wants to be accused of being transphobic, racist, misogynistic, or ableist because they don't find your iteration of a character or original character compelling, they don't think you'll mesh as muns and writers, or they don't like any iteration of that character. Maybe, those people are also uncomfortable with how you've acted on the dash, maybe, they're concerned that if they or their character makes a mistake or they need to ask you a sensitive question OOC that pertains to the RP, that you'll explode and label them.

When you create a character who is not the usual, and in popular fandoms, yes, that's neurotypical cishet white male, you have to realize that you're going to run into people who literally don't know about the situations you're putting them into. Not everyone is educated to the same degree or in the same ways, not everyone is, knows, has relatives, or has been in relationships with someone who is ND, trans, a different race, whatever. You have actually opened yourself up to a unique situation, if someone is wanting to write with you, they are also open to learning and you shouldn't be vicious to them when they need to do exactly that.

For example, I witnessed, a few years ago, a RPer get run out of the RPC in my fandom for asking a mun an innocent question, privately, about how they should be approaching a smut scene with the mun's trans character. Their whole point was that they were really afraid of having their character do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, be offensive. They simply didn't know, and honestly, every person is unique. Every cisgendered person, every trans person, is unique. That they were treating this as an opportunity to appreciate the uniqueness of how this mun's character wished to be viewed etc. and to educate themselves beyond what they had available online, which can be a ton of contrary takes since, again, all individuals, should have been a good thing. The question wasn't impolite, fetishizing, or otherwise gross, either. They were quick to put it up in the callout. Yes, that's an uncomfortable situation, but it was prefaced well, phrased well, and respectful. This person was just trying to be a responsible, respectful, RP partner and ally. They got weeks of death threats, accusations, and bullying that only ended when they deleted their account.

That's what people are afraid of, it is not an unreasonable fear. No more than running into a legitimate transphobe is. We've got to stop treating each other with this kind of automatic suspicion and hostility.

When fear runs things, we all lose.

Anyway, Anon, I'm so sorry that things are like this. No one needs to be happy with the scraps of mega-fandoms or be "transphobic."

I don't dislike the female characters that LotR has, some of them I like quite a bit, but they fall into character types and tropes that do not appeal to me as a writer. Meanwhile, I can think of three male LotR characters that do without trying. Same thing with the MCU, I enjoy two female characters, though both of them I did enjoy much more in the comics, admittedly. However, neither would I wish to write for the same reasons - they both fall into character types and stories that aren't for me as a writer. Again, I can think of a handful of male characters who do. If I wasn't comfortable writing male characters, genderbending would be my choice as well to resolve this problem and remain in my comfort zone as someone who doesn't feel comfortable speaking on myriad trans experiences not my own.

You're not doing anything that the rest of us are not, Anon. We're all out here trying to adapt characters and have fun with them! You do not deserve harassment for that.

#answered #anonymous #post and ask replies #genderbent muses #gender disparity in franchises

1 note · View note

imhereformysciencefriends · 5 years ago

Note

Fandom Ask Thing! Fandom - BNHA Ship - Sheith Character - Claudia (TDP)

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: Iida!!!!!!!!!!!!

Least Favorite character: BakuBITCH

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Dekusquad ot5

Iidekuchako

Todoiideku

Iida x any of his friends really

Shoutoko

Character I find most attractive: Iida

Character I would marry: Iida

Character I would be best friends with: Iida and also probably Ochako

a random thought: If 20% of the world population is still quirkless, Deku ABSOLUTELY should have had quirkless classmates. 20% is one in five. 1/5. There’s absolutely no reason why quirklessness should already be seen as lesser, uncommon, or otherwise stigmatized. No way in hell Deku could’ve been the only one in all his classes without a quirk c m o n

An unpopular opinion: I don’t think Shinsou should be in class 1-A. I think his goal to get there is reflective of his all-or-nothing mindset that has been holding him back and part of him overcoming that mindset will and should involve accepting that there are ways to become a hero without the schooling that some of his peers are getting, and being a hero is about doing HIS PERSONAL BEST and doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, not where he graduated from. Also, he has friends in the gen class and I want him to keep and appreciate those bonds.

My Canon OTP: I don’t… think anyone in that show is actually canonically dating. I think literally everyone we see in that show is single. Eh fuck it. Iida’s Mom x Iida’s Dad

My Non-canon OTP: Iida x The fucking respect and appreciation he goddamn well deserves

Most Badass Character: Iida

Most Epic Villain: I fuckin love that warp dude. Handman went off on the aesthetics I’ll give him that but I mean what could be better than a tired half-dad in a barkeeper getup?

Pairing I am not a fan of: :) Bitchboy x MY GREEN SON

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Mineta could’ve been a genuinely compelling character if he’d been more firmly characterized as “I am small and also a coward but I want to be a hero more than anything so even though I am very afraid and also definitely crying right now I’m still gonna give it my all” and less as “I am a perverted little bastard. I’m here to be a fucking pervert joke.”

Favouite Friendship: Iida & Deku & Ochako

Character I most identify with: Iida

Character I wish I could be: Shouji

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them: Literally episode 1 lmao

My thoughts: THEY’RE SO IN LOVE!!! FUCK!!! THEY’RE SO TENDER!!! tHEY’RE SO SOFT!!!! LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM IS SO TRUSTING AND GENTLE AND WHOLE-HEARTED AND SWEET AND GOOD AND KIND AND I!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What makes me happy about them: God, everything? When they call each other’s names, when they stare fondly at each other, when they touch each other’s shoulders in fondness or reassurance or comfort or simply to remind the other that they’re there and they have their back. God. Keith would and did cross the stars to find Shiro, and Shiro CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD for Keith! They’re soulmates!!!

What makes me sad about them: :) Such a shame we never got a season 8 :) I bet we would’ve had a really amazing resolution to the passion and intimacy of their friendship :) Really just such a tragedy season 8 was cancelled before it could ever air :)

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I really and genuinely do not care for femsheith. Even when it’s a genderbend, which usually checks out for me, I am just Not About It

Things I look for in fanfic: A good balance between tenderness and friendship. It’s not all serious heavy emotions all the time, they’re best friends and they LIKE each other, but it’s also not just all goofs and gags, they’re very soft with each other. Also smut.

My wishlist: Not entirely sure what this is asking but

1. Shiro to acknowledge Keith’s confession from the clone fight

2. Keith to try and play it off (he’s a terrible liar so we know this would not work) because he thinks he’s being rejected

3. Shiro to gently take his shoulder in hand and say he feels the same

4. A tender kiss

5. Absolutely nothing about their public relationship changes. They were in love before they confessed and they are not the types to get all blushy and nervous. Maybe they’ll hold hands or sling their arms around each other’s waists in front of others now but that’s it.

6. They do cool space-politics stuff and then travel the stars together after the war ends, retired and exploring all the wonders the universe has to offer them with their cool space dog.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I don’t have, like, alternate ships for them. I like Heith, and Rolo x Keith, but only really as concepts? I like Keitor and Lotor x Shiro (they have a ship name but I’m forgetting it right now) but only in the context of fanfic, in canon I would want him to work it out with Allura so that’s kinda out. I just genuinely cannot see them with anyone but each other, really.

My happily ever after for them: In a houseboat, but like, for space. Not a spaceship, since those are really big and built for a lot of people, but a spaceboat. Them, their dog, and the endless expanse of space for them to travel and explore together.

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of the main tdp cast I think she’s probably my favorite! (She and Aaravos are duking it out for first place in general)

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

Callum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prince Kasef

Idk I guess I like Claudia x Rayla content but I also don’t really see it? It’s cute to observe? But not something I actively partake in? But I find it charming? I can’t really say if Rayla should be in this list or not.

Weird one but I think she and Nyx would get along super well

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: SOREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEYRE SUCH GOOD SIBLINGS!

runner up is her relationship with Ezran the two are super heartfelt

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t think her using dark magic is any different than a butcher carving up a cow to be eaten. Yeah if she’s using elf or dragon body parts that’s fuckin bad, because those are people, but humans have a LONG history of killing animals for food + tools + materials, so using certain body parts for magic is also?? Not the worst thing in the world. If a magic sheep can have its meat turned into mutton, its wool turned into clothing, its skin turned into parchment, and its bones turned into magic, why SHOULDN’T Claudia use it’s bones? Yes, there’s a toll on her body, but like we’ve seen in the show, Dark magic is a FORM. It requires practice, study, patience. The reason Callum reacts to it so badly is because he’s basically some dude who’s never worked out in his life waltzing into the gym and immediately going for the heaviest barbell. Claudia has studied this extensively, practiced it, built up her “magic muscles” so to speak, and so her body can handle it. Viren also overdoes it, but that’s because he knows he can butterfly the negative affects away and doesn’t particularly care if he gets a little ghostly in the process.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: she and Callum had had a chance to talk it out and make up. They’re friends! Best of friends! They have been since they were young kids! She genuinely was trying to do what she thought the right thing was, that’s all she’s ever tried to do, and I think Callum is the kind of person who, with some time to simmer down, has enough empathy and understanding to see that and reason with her.

Favorite friendship for this character: Callum and Ezran

My crossover ship: I don’t actually have one

#bnha #vt #tdp #thanks friend!!!#haro answers #whoever you are you know my interests very well!

3 notes · View notes