#one cannot simply genderbend one character

[eat-your-milk]

I made a fem Viggo, so I just had to make a fem Hiccup...

And the speedpaint oooo

Epilepsy Warning, again probably

Song: Alexander Nakarada - Nomadic Sunset

[sscarletvenus]

i see you did a genderbend fic, thoughts on how fem!goo would look? :3 headcanons?

omg hello anon!! and thank you for the question!!

THREE FEM!GOO HEADCANONS, FROM YOURS TRULY:

. appearance- kinda imagine her looking very much like kim hieora...sharp facial features, bloodless skin, dark undereye circles, pin straight hair, tall and lean... like ethereal, but in a truly unsettling way. something inhumane and cruel and alien but she's so gorgeous that you cannot comprehend properly the intensity of her being all of those things!!!

. i think she would still be the kind of general moral vagabond as in canon. blood and blood and replay. she's very insatiable and intense at all times. she loves chaos, horror, and being the cause of that turbulent terror. gloats over it. is nourished by it.

. she has NO instinct for nurture whatsoever. her moral compass is a roulette wheel. she doesn't have exaggerated, hypocritical ideals like Gun does. she just needs something to kill, endless, itchy waiting for her prey to deliver itself to her open mouth and bared teeth. SHE doesn't enjoy hunting. Gun does. She likes her prey willing, because that is how and when they taste the sweetest...

. as a teenager she's terrifyingly self-possessed and intense. is it a facade for her weakness? can weapon ever be weak? should the one who wields the weapon deserve to kill if they're weak? the sword is the vessel for her brutality as well as her defence against annihilation...

. another aspect to be pondered over is the role her assigned sex at birth or gender identity and expression would play in her portrayal as a character. Goo is someone who has, always, loved and lusted over money and power. both her and Gun are children weaned on poison who take comfort and pleasure in extreme violence and sadism. BUT. BUT. But it's not the same, never the same.

. what happens when your best friend betrays you long before YOU betray him, simply by being a man, just because he has, inherently, without even trying, by birthright, everything YOU wished to be? what do you do when he is the one with the natural, omnipotent power that you so ardently hunger for, and you are nothing but a weapon, a toy, a wild animal to poke and prod? familiarity breeds contempt.

. Goo is someone that hates being underestimated and undervalued. AND THIS is where i think her irreconcilable fragmentation from Gun and Charles and Tom begins.

. She surrounds herself with incredibly strong and equally morally corrupt men (secret friends) to vicariously live through them her own fantasies of enacting unbridled slaughter just for the sake of her own pleasure, her desires that would otherwise be looked upon with unforgivable contempt by a society diseased with patriarchy...

. i would love to go into her experiencing disillusionment under Charles... stowing her beliefs in a fallible God, worshipping said God with blood and until he ends up demanding her own... would a believer betray the deity? if she loses her identity, what is the basis of her existence, then?

. some style analysis- I feel like she would EAT in these vintage corporate high fashion pieces from jacques fath/ralph lauren/christian dior

. lmao I feel like I rambled without making much sense but I would love to explore fem goo more and thanks to you anon!!! HAVE AN INCREDIBLE DAY ILY

edit. THIS IS MORE THAN THREE BUT I YAP TOO MUCH AND CANNOT COUNT SO FORGIVE ME!!!

[cios-correct-opinions]

@starrynightarchive

big ol tl;dr for anyone looking:

if ppl "not appreciating" female characters by creating content for them bc they don't want to bothers you that much? there's only one thing you can and should do:

MAKE YOUR OWN CONTENT OR APPRECIATION POSTS OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU THINK PEOPLE SHOULD DO INSTEAD AND STOP DEMANDING PEOPLE CHANGE THEIRS. IF YOUR FANDOM SPACE IS LACKING IN CONTENT YOU WANNA SEE? MAKE IT. DO IT. NOTHING'S STOPPING YOU EXCEPT YOURSELF.

but if you don't wanna do that and you don't wanna pay someone to, then stop complaining.

(note re: the discourse thing/me wanting to "start discourse": i only reblogged onto my "discourse" sideblog bc i didn't want this on my main blog. not bc i think it's automatically discourse. political stuff just goes over here now so i can keep the things more separated for my own sake)

op of the post blocked me but im genuinely baffled at this response

because how in the fuck did you gather ANY of that from me saying this

brother all i did was define what the word means. like i am so baffled as to how you decided that i was implying op was transphobic or some shit bc i absolutely was not!

nor was i trying to start discourse. i was literally just saying that, in my experience in the circles i'm in and the people i've seen, doing both is possible and they often do both. i'm not a huge fan of cis genderbends myself in any direction because if i'm gonna genderbend they're gonna be trans given that i am also trans

and then theres this that i said

which everyone seems to have completely ignored. bc that's the crux of this. it's not that they dislike the canon women it's that they want to take their blorbos they love the most and girl them because that's how fandom works. it's about self indulgence. fandom is supposed to be you doing what you love the most, and engaging with the characters you love the most, bc it's about fun

why are yall trying to force people to post abt characters they may not care for for a number of reasons? bc thats what this feels like. it feels like you want ppl to talk abt, post abt, write abt, draw abt, etc, characters they are not super passionate for, simply bc you believe they should, bc you think what they do in fandom is some kind of formula for their like, actual real world beliefs

i genuinely cannot stress enough to you guys that most peoples actions in fandom are almost entirely divorced from any political meaning. or at least, they were, until people started acting like that was a sin actually and that if you liked this character or if you liked too many male characters and not enough female ones that means youre secretly a misogynist who just hates women so much because you don't post about them all the time

most of my fandom blorboposting ends up being about a handful of any random assortment of characters because that's who my brain latches on to, but that doesn't say shit about my feelings about any other character. specifically in bsd, i mostly post and talk about literally two of the characters WAY more than the others bc they are my favorites. this includes ALL the other characters, just about. most of my fanworks are for them and will continue to be for them because they are my OTP and my top two in this series.

why is this important?

because someone genderbending a male character or multiple of them in order to see a CHARACTER THEY ALREADY THINK ABOUT 24/7 AND LIKE A LOT AND HAVE A DEEP ATTACHMENT TO, as a woman, does not mean they don't love and appreciate the canon women. holy shit. that's what i was criticizing in the original post.

also like. most of the ppl doing the genderbending i see are either women or like, somehow woman-aligned, or wlw/attracted to women in some way, etc. and most of them are making these genderbends bc theyre attracted to the canon character. it's self-indulgence it's ALMOST ALWAYS self-indulgence guys it's FANDOM that's what it's FOR you CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT A CHARACTER FOR ANY REASON AND STILL MAKE AN ETHICAL ARGUMENT OUT OF IT JFC

it wasn't meant to be discourse on my end either. i was trying to offer an alternate reason or perspective of approaching what op seemed to think was an issue given the wording of the post, by offering my personal experience. i also never said op was wrong, by the way, my expression of disbelief was also put alongside me going "maybe it's just the people i follow" because i tend to follow people who, when they do genderbends, are also avid fans of the canon women too, they just like the men they're genderbending more. hence why they're doing that.

this expectation within fandom that people must create content of female characters - or ANY characters - lest they be accused of despising them or not appreciating them is going to be the death of fandom and i'm so fucking serious. you CANNOT insist people spend their time making shit for FREE that they aren't 100% jazzed and excited about in FANDOM SPACES and then get mad when they don't do that and expect fandom to be something that continues for generations as it has in the past

and for the record seeing as how op reblogged with this which. where do i even start lmao. ik they've written me off as a woman-hating misogynist so i'm not expecting good faith arguments in response from them but, c'est la vie

[hebimoonlightwrites]

Small info (please, read!)

Guys, unluckily now I cannot write anything since I’m taking care of my little cousins..

But I wanted to clarify something first. I was thinking about deleting all the bots I had made on character.ai, only because I didn’t want to spread the idea that I had made them because I wanted to disrespect all the worldwide social writers (amateurs and non).

I repeat what I think about it, so please, read below: I created these bots because I knew Paradox Live fandom didn’t have enough fun material. I really support technology development myself, so I really liked character.ai when it got released. I thought about creating bots just to spread the fun, just to let the others play with this new tool- which I deeply feel is NOT as harmful as ChatGPT for artists and creators, but simply a tool to have fun during boring times. I did NOT mean to harm any writer, nor their contents, as I deeply support and admire all the artists and their works, especially the new creators’ ones!! (I myself request something as I notice a new writer writing for fandoms I know)

As I said, I tried my best to prescribe perfect bots, without making any mistake or adding not-canon stuff. I literally checked all the original sites (and even drama tracks’ lines) to portray each character the best I could; for genderbend-versions I simply copied all the settings I made on the original bots and changed their pronouns.

I made these bots just for fun, in short, not wanting to harm or offend anyone!

I was thinking about deleting all them, or saving them privately. But I first want your opinions! Since I don’t want to mess up anything, let me know what you think about it! And even vote below, choose and tell me what you think, so I can do something about it.

Thank you a lot, my sweethearts~

[katzenklavierr]

I hope you don't mind a post addition (and if so I can move it to my own post), but this was getting a little too rambly for tags and this is something I coincidentally was also thinking about recently.

I think that it's very cool to have more explicitly trans narratives now than when I was growing up, but I also think that treating every genderbending narrative as being inherently a trans narrative is kind of missing the mark. Genderbend stories are a means of exploring all manner of gender as it exist in society by imagining a scenario in which a character now belongs to a different gender class than how they exist elsewhere. These can also be trans narratives, or have viable trans readings, but I think it's more of a venn diagram than one being a subcategory of the other.

I appreciate stories which take grounded approaches to depicting transition, and have realistic trans characters, but I can pretty certainly say that before I realized myself, these likely would not have resonated with me in the way that magical gender transformation fiction did. It was a safe means of me exploring my gender precisely because it wasn't real. If it was realistic, I would have had to unpack a lot of uncomfortable and confusing feelings I was having that I simply wasn't ready to.

But, you know, I could have my girl characters magically turn into boys in my online roleplays, and safely retreat back to the familiarity of girlhood by the end of the story, in a way that might have felt less personal or even disrespectful if I'd been framing these little stories as my characters transitioning. I could similarly imagine my favourite male characters as being what I thought was my gender so I felt more comfortable identifying with them, or female characters as being the gender I didn't know I was coveting.

I can only speak to my own experience, and times have certainly changed since I was a preteen, but I cannot imagine I was the only trans kid who experienced something similar to this, and I worry that drawing a hard equivalence between realistic transition and magical transformation can block these avenues for noncommittal exploration for trans kids who, like me before age 14, don't yet know themselves to be such.

Even now 10+ years after I transitioned socially, I find realistic depictions / readings are often less appealing for me personally, for similar reasons as the original post that it removes a lot of the intrigue. Loss of control for the character being what drives them to consider their gender identity in a way they wouldn't have otherwise can be very compelling.

I wish it wasn't so often framed that magical transformation / otherwise not-explicitly-trans genderbend stories are just "outdated" depictions of transness that are fine to like nostalgically but not to explore in modern fiction. I think all of these kinds of stories should exist.

silly post ahead, dont take it like super seriously or anything:

one thing modern progressivism, specifically on queer topics, has ruined a little bit is gender bending stories.

like, the trans reading or framing does take away a bit of the mysticism and intrigue and transgressiveness from something like ranma, for example.

(and i have to clarify i am a trans woman who spends most of her time on tumblr surrounded by other trans friends, with a trans girlfriend who is constantly moving around queer spaces. i get that in other contexts trans themes are still very much edgy and risque but, well, that hasnt been the reality in my circles for years now, lol.)

when reading a gender bend story i find it so much more salacious and tittilating if its framed in the old cist het mindset of "this is a boy... but perhaps something else??? something weirder and more confusing??? a boy sometimes can be a girl and viceversa??? what is going on here???"

whereas now there is no mystery to it, i can simply allocate it to one of the common and well understood boxes of "oh they trans, oh they identify as a girl, oh they are gender fluid, oh they are nonbinary, oh they just like to crossdress".

i dunno, i feel like ray bradbury here, complaining that modernity has stolen the numinous, the liminal, the mysterious and romantic out of this world with its prosaic understandings. i find the confusion, the inner conflict, the limerence of it all much more interesting than the realization or the understanding or the coming to terms.

like, once a trans girl finishes transitioning and has passing and is living her life as she always wanted what you get is just a girl. a normal girl. an understood quantity. and i mean, cool, good for her. im glad she is living her truth but the fun part is over.

[just-antithings]

I would like to draw and write more genderbends as a middle finger to antis who think it has anything to do with transphobia and not the age old Rule 63 where people are simply imagining a separate universe where this one small thing is different.

I'm pro trans rights, no doubt, but saying that making a character trans is the same as Rule 63 is incredibly ignorant. In the same way mpreg would be different. (Yet many antis ignore how a pregnant transman can be triggering to transmen for the sake of saying "The genitals decided this should be a mother." If someone wanted to write a complex story about a transman coming to terms with a pregnancy, that's their right. But they need to acknowledge it would be a very different story than ordinary mpreg, and some people just want to write their mpreg in peace.) But genderbends are the same. Yes, there could be a lot of overlap if you instead wrote it with the character being trans instead of a genderbent AU, but you are again creating a completely separate story. Sometimes, people just want an alternate reality where a character was born male/female instead of female/male. I cannot emphasize any harder how it's not that deep. It's not transphobic. It is a "What if?" scenario someone wants to explore.

.

[firedragon1321]

OC General Thread

So I’m gonna post a bunch of OCs for your consideration. I will sort them by the universe they’re from.

This may get very “do you love the color of the sky” in length so click the Read More if you’re interested. Also most of these are tagged by character name on my blog.

As of 2024, I'm experimenting with pronouns on profiles. I use "male/female" as shorthand for "cisgender" (mostly so I don't have to change 5+ years worth of documents). Nonbinary and trans characters with pronouns in their profiles will not use these terms.

My Digimon/Pokemon swap AU has been moved to the sideblog @digimon-pokemon-swap-au. So I have more stuff over that way.

Notes for triggers- "mention" means I don't go into detail and it's text only. If you don't see that word, it means the art or description will go in-depth on the trigger. Stay safe!

TOON-IVERSE SAGA

This is my main universe. Below is the professional description for those unsatisfied with “Kingdom Hearts meets Pibby meets suspiciously wealthy fujoshis and deviantArt users”.

“Welcome to a world where the boundary between reality and fantasy is malleable, and cartoon characters walk alongside real people. From anime to edutainment to stop motion, any character- or “toon” - one can think of lives in this world. Summoned from their cartoons to reality by the mysterious dragon Shenlong, these toons struggle with the ups and downs of daily life. They are considered to be less than animals by real people, with few options in life but rumors of a hidden utopia.

In their quest to reach this utopia- or simply to survive- toons must be careful,. Enemies lurk in the shadows, willing to bring all of toon-kind under their rule. They must watch out for the demons, which can transform toons into loyal thralls in the blink of an eye! The demons share a shaky alliance with the factories- institutions run by real people with the aim of turning toons into slaves. Though these two factions do not represent the general public, they have enough power to threaten the freedom of toons.

But things cannot stay this way forever. In the year 2002, a toon named Soren appears in this world. A friendship is forged, a quest is begun, and the wheels of change are set into motion.”

Soren: My favorite OC ever.

Soren character sheet and lore (TW: mentions of child abuse, other triggers mentioned in post): Here it is.

Soren (tummy alt): Chubby tummy.

Soren (weapon, TW: blood, knife, child with a weapon): He has a KNIFE!

Old Version + Reference (TW, blood) https://firedragon1321.tumblr.com/post/701139716258578432/let-me-see-what-you-have-a-knife-no-just

Soren (alternate hairstyles): Because playing with his hair is fun

Soren (squinting): Bright light!

Soren (dress): This is legit key to the plot.

Soren (flashbacks, TW: parental abuse): Babies!

Beck: The story’s deuteragonist

Locky: Autistic computer nerd

Zeus (TW: gaslighting mention): The angy boy

TOON-IVERSE SAGA (GENDERBEND AU)

The same as the above universe, only all the dudes are girls and vise versa.

Sorrel: Soren hates that this exists

TOON-IVERSE SAGA (NON-CANON)

Random AUs and BS with Toon-iverse Saga characters.

Beck (Bunbun, Pibby reference): Bunbun Beck!

ZUNRU

An original monster project similar to Pokemon or Digimon. The protagonist is an autistic character written by an autistic author. Here's a longer description if you want-

“Humans share the world with Zunru. People can thank these magical creatures for the dawn of civilization. Zunru are responsible for building homes, providing food, and offering companionship. People who own Zunru are called 'Tamers'. With a Zu You Co.-approved Zunru Band, they can store a large number of Zunru to travel and fight with.

Jackie is a fourteen year old boy who loves Zunru. Though he has a heart of gold, people find him odd- even those he considers friends. While visiting the town of Seaside Heights, Jackie uncovers a dark secret- Zunru, presumed to be of animal intelligence, are as smart and passionate as humans. They are not companions, but silent slaves.

Jackie aims to create a world where human and Zunru can walk together as equals. But this comes with challenges and costs. He loses the trust of his friends. He discovers that he has autism, a newly discovered condition that sets him apart from other humans. He must confront everything from Zu You Co. itself to his own parents. But with Zunru by his side- rather than under his thumb- Jackie might be able to set things right."

Jackie (hairstyle evolution, TW: scars, burns, readmore discusses or mentions child abuse, albiesm, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, autistic meltdown, psych ward): Over here!

Jackie (original sketch vs 2023 art)- Here!

Jackie (busts, 2020 vs 2023): Thisaway!

Jackie (scar ref, TW: scars, burns): Ouch.

SINGULARITY (formerly Capsule Zaurus)

Originally a reimagining of a prototype version of Digimon, but it got big, so I made it an original work. There is a video by Karn EX that goes into more detail.  Some of the older stuff may use the word "Zaurus" instead of "Datazar" for the monsters, and that's okay.

Human Characters- Tomoya (plus Merazaru full line): Borger

Human Characters: Tomoya and Toshi: Please for the love of God research for your stories!

Human Characters- Tomoya Burger Chibi: Jr. Borger

2024 Main Datazar (Merazaru, Fukazaru, Kerozaru, Raizaru, Tosazaru, Orchizaru, Nyazaru): Right this way!

Anglozaru- He’s a fish

Capsule Zaurus Part 1 (Merazaru, Raizaru, Kerozaru, Tosazaru, Fukazaru): Redraws of concept art right here!

Capsule Zaurus Part 2 (Baby Army): Baby booboo 

Capsule Zaurus Part 3 (Megalozaru, Narizaru, Odosuzaru, Tonozaru, Tsukuzaru): Digivolve to Cham- oh wait that’s wrong.

FAN OCs

Characters I made up for existing properties. These are further subdivided.

DIGIMON: FRAGMENTS (DIGIMON)

A fan DigiDestined project I dabble with sometimes. This one has a fanfic, which you can read here. Please read all its tags and the author’s note in Chapter 1 before committing!

Whole Cast of Digimon Fragments + Oliver bust and character sheet + Luca character sheet: DigiDestined on parade! 

Oliver bust (TW: panic attack): Poor baby

POKEJIN (POKEMON)

An AU where all the Pokemon are gijinkas, and a deconstruction of Pokephilia weirdo fics. Follows the parallel stories of a wild Pikachu named Tekka and his band of rebels, along with two newbie Trainers who get sucked into the evil Team Embrace. Based mostly on the game universe.

Tekka (art): Pika pika! 

Tekka (lore, TW: Pokephilia mention, technically rape mention): I am cringe but I am free.

PROJECT STRIKEBACK (POKEMON)

A “what if Ash was replaced regionally starting in Jotho” character design thing. These are OCs based on the games and Ash’s previous designs.

Rico (Paldea): Mini-rant attached

UNTITLED SHINKALION PROJECT

Something I whipped up a few years ago. An original season of Shinkalion. Unfinished except for notes for now, but I have some art.

Takara (old): Mechanic nerd.

RANDOM OCS

OCs that I drew who don't belong to any project, or just random stuff.

Joran (2023 NaNo Protag): Anxiety yay!

Leo (with profile, TW school trauma, child abuse, asylum mention, albiesm/masking allegory): Just a little guy.

Jovie (progression): A bunch of guys, but they're the same guy.

Skyfire: Dumbass boy.

Ryder: He's smol.

[kinged]

@/motherhenna is a whitewasher

"Henna," real name Helen, is a white person who creates whitewashed art and refuses to take critisim for it and acknowledge what she has done wrong at all. She had some of her followers "absolve" her because to them "it didn't look like whitewashing." You can make your own decisions but I'll post some of her art and you can see for yourself

[ID: a picture that is based on a poster for mob pyscho 100. It has Mob, Reigen and Dimple in the foreground with a city scape background. Mob and Reigen are given light eyes, sharp, white noses and sharpe features. Dimple is also given the same nose. End ID]

[ID: A comic of Reigen, Mob, Dimple, Ritsu and Teru. It is all grey scale, except a red blush on all of their noses, Reigen's tie being red, and the tongues that are shown being red. Reigen in the first page is shown setting up a camera and in the second page it shows everyone else posing, with Reigen rushing into frame to try to get into the picture. All of the characters have the same noses as last described, and all of their eyes are eyes that you would see on white characters. They are all drawn in the same angular way as before as well. End ID]

There are more examples of her whitewashing, but they are all readily available on her blog if you would like to see for yourself. I figured that this so far was enough proof of her whitewashing characters.

When she was approached by others, she refused to seriously listen to what they said, and only responded to people who were nice, and supporting her, telling her that they thought she wasn't whitewashing and that they're "sorry she was being harrassed" when she was clearly not being harrassed, just told to take the consequences for her whitewashing that she did not do. She has had problems with her art before, creating genderbends, and creating "diverse" characters that had no real diversity in them. Again, all of these are available on her blog and her art blog, I just wanted to keep this short and concise.

Here is her responding to one critisim of her art:

[ID: Three screenshots from her blog, all responding to an ask. It says "Yikes okay I get that this is a touchy subject, but the venom feels a bit uncalled for. I'm sorry if my use of lighter eye colors on POC characters every now and then makes you uncomfortable. But I simply don't see how these are "exact same features", and I find that a really rude observation."

She then posts four close up screenshots of characters she has drawn. They all have similarly drawn eyes, all lighter colors for the eyes, the same nose but slightly altered, even though three out of four of these characters are supposed to be people of color.

She then goes to say "Here's just a small example of the many different eye and nose styles I draw in, three of which are people of color. I have struggled with drawing "asian eyes" in the past, but I've put a lot of effort into making them work with my style."

She then posts a picture of six different eye references she used, labeled from A-F.

She continues with: "These are all examples of "asian eyes", and shockingly, not all of them are identical! I draw Mob's eyes to resemble the middle left (c), and Reigen's to resemble the bottom left and middle right, as I want to replicate the lazy, half-lidded style he's drawn in the anime.

"So if you don't like my style and don't like how I draw asian people, fine--nobody HAS to like my work, and I do take constructive criticism into account, which is why I've put as much effort as I have into drawing racially diverse characters. I legitimately don't want to make anybody uncomfortable. But I think it's shitty to assume I don't care or only draw the same features, which is simply not true.

"In short, I think it's really presumptuous and exaggerative to call me a white washer for something like this. Again: you're entitled to your opinion, though I do wish you could have come off anon so we could discuss this privately. As you so politely hinted at, I am indeed white; however, I work every day to learn more about what I can do as a creator to make media more diverse and welcoming to non-white people. I realize all this venom is coming from a place of genuine hurt, which is why I'm trying to be gentle in my response, but I do think the vitriol is a bit misplaced. As an olive branch, I can at least offer to keep eye color more in mind in the future and maybe draw Reigen with dark eyes next time. I want to be accommodating, but I also reserve the right to take creative license when adapting anime into my own art style." End ID]

With this, it just goes to show how little she truly cares about drawing accurate representation, she only cares about being called out for whitewashing and being adamant that she is not racist. There are some this that she referenced, like being called white, because she does not have her race in her bio and still to my knowledge has not put it there.

Since getting that first ask, she has had several people come to her to tell her that she was in the wrong, but has not responded to any of them and said that she deleted them because they all just "wanted to pick a fight with her over discourse." She calls all of this discourse, like it is something petty and not worth discussing, when in reality she is being racist and when finally people are addressing that to her, she doubles down and says what she's doing isn't racist, when she cannot determine that for herself.

[carryon-countdown]

MLM/Trans Rep Issues: a conversation

Hello everyone!

As was announced to the public in this post, we’ve noticed some voices of discontent from mlm/trans people in this fandom. We’ve spent the past week talking to many mlm/trans people in this fandom, to listen to what has likely been hurting them/making them uncomfortable. Our goal here was to educate ourselves on views that we’d been overlooking and to have a conversation about how to move forward.

We’re glad to say that every person who reached out to us was very patient and informative, so now we’re able to share what we’ve learned with our followers and the rest of the fandom. What makes everything a bit more complicated, however, is that it became clear quite quickly that not every mlm/trans person experiences these issues the same way. Most people we talked to had their very own way of viewing things, and we, as admins, think that each individual view had something valuable to say. There’s not a very clear right or wrong here, so we’re going to ask everyone not to approach these issues like there’s a definitive right or wrong.

What we’re going to do instead is explain the different views, in hope that it will educate many of you who’d had a blindspot to these issues. And then it’ll be up to each individual person to self-reflect and decide what you think is important. Once again, there doesn’t seem to be a definitive right or wrong, so we think the best we can do is make sure everyone has as much information to make their own choices with.

Fetishizing

One of the main issues that was brought to our attention is the fetishisation of mlm ships (in this fandom’s case mainly snowbaz). Some people we talked to said they came across this quite a lot, others felt like it happened here and there, and others said it happened so little that they had never been able to come up with an example of this within the fandom. So that already gives everyone an idea of what we mean by people seeming to have very different experiences.

What it means to use a ship for fetishisation is that you interact with the ship in a way that is purely focussed on the “hotness”/aesthetic of the ship, instead of focussing on the actual dynamic of this ship. This turns the ship into something more like an object of your fantasies, instead of seeing it as a representation of something real.

Everyone we talked to agreed that fetisising is wrong/hurtful. There were, however, more divided opinions on where the lines lie between content that is and isn’t rooted in fetishisation. Some views are more quickly to label a piece of smut that’s just straight up porn, with a strong focus on the “sexiness” of it all, as a piece rooted in fetishisation, while others think it’s more okay to have smut like this because wanting to celebrate a ship that you love having a bit of sexy-time can definitely come from a place of loving the ship for who they are rather than a objectifying sexual fantasy standpoint.

This shows that the whole concept of judging whether a piece of fan content is fetishising the ship isn’t something that’s just black and white. Something that is easier to judge, though, is yourself and where your love for the ship/certain pieces of content comes from.

We do thus strongly encourage you to take a look at yourself and the way you interact with the ships and content in this fandom. It’s good to ask yourself what your intentions are when creating/sharing any content relating to these ships, and to question whether you might be fetishising. We hope everyone will refrain from engaging with this ship from a fetisising standpoint. It’s often not something that happens to intent harm, but it is something that makes people who are actually represented within the ship highly uncomfortable and upset. It’s not a form of support to any sexuality/type of relationship that might be represented in the ship.

(Note: please don’t instantly write off the idea that you might be fetishising because you, for example, aren’t even attracted to men, because that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t look at a mlm ship in an objectifying way. Please, just, absolutely everyone, take an honest look at your view towards the ships in this fandom, and try to see if there’s instances where you are fetishising these ships.)

Genderbending

Genderbending/genderswap was the other main topic of the conversations we’ve had with mlm/trans people. Genderbending is simply put: changing the genders from one or more of the characters present in your work, to a gender that’s not their canon gender. In our fandom we mostly see this trope used on snowbaz, thus having them become fem!snowbaz.

A big critique for genderbending is that, very often, with genderbending the appearance/physical features of the character is what changes, and thus “that changes the gender”, which is a way of viewing gender that completely excludes the experience of trans/nb people. In the case of snowbaz, this means that Simon and Baz remain the same, but suddenly they have boobs and more feminine features, so that must mean they’re now women. While really, if you want to represent snowbaz with more feminine features, it doesn’t instantly have to mean that they’re now women, and being a woman doesn’t mean you need any kind of feminine features. It basically treats sex and gender the same, when they’re not. Genderbending also often treats gender like it’s binary, which it isn’t. For a bunch of the trans people we talked to, this is something that they consider quite harmful, not only to themselves but also to the way it inspires you to look at the concept of gender.

Besides that, there are times where genderbending gets used to explore a certain concept, such as: having one of the characters able to become pregnant, when really you can also avoid using genderbending here by using a trans headcanon/au for such a thing. The idea that the only way for you to explore these concepts with a mlm ship is having them turn into cis women comes across as both excluding the mlm and trans experience. So there are trans people who prefer if you use a trans au or trans headcanon instead of genderbending in these cases (here it is also preferred that you then have a trans person look at your work before you post it!). With this we do also want to note that not necessarily everyone trans person we spoke to experience trans au/hcs as something positive, and actually actively avoid them.

Now that we’ve spoken about the views against genderbending, there are still other trans people we talked to who don’t have an issue with genderbending. Their views on it with snowbaz are that when you have a ship that canonically consists of two cis men, it makes sense that people would have them be cis women when applying genderbending. (Also, not always everyone makes them cis women when doing a genderbend). The people that didn’t see an issue with genderbending generally came from the standpoint that people’s intentions behind genderbending are completely innocent and not done with the thought in mind that sex=gender, and that is enough for them to not feel hurt by it.

A thing that was also brought up here is that genderbending in this fandom is often used by wlw people to find a way to represent/express themselves in a fandom they love. The people who are in favor of genderbending see this as a very valid reason to keep genderbending around. If it has a positive influence on someone, and isn’t done with the idea in mind that sex and gender are the same, they don’t see why genderbending should be seen as a bad thing.

With this we also want to note that not all wlw are the biggest fan of genderbending. There’s definitely plenty that use fem!snowbaz as a way to see themselves represented, and for them it’s a very positive thing. There are, however, also wlw around who’ve spoken up against it. They see turning a mlm into a wlw ship by genderbending as a very objectifying way to look at a wlw couple. They don’t consider a mlm that now looks like wlw actual wlw representation. They often feel like it comes across very feishising and it makes them uncomfortable. So saying that it’s something positive for all wlw in this fandom is definitely an incorrect way of looking at it, but it is still also a positive thing for quite a number of them.

This shows how polarising the concept of genderbending is, and it’s really not in our interest to tell you what side to pick. We hope that you take in these views and use them to educate yourself on the topic. We hope you put in the effort to understand the different takes on it and then decide where you land. We want to at least make sure that your decisions around genderbending don’t come from a place of ignorance.

We also want to ask everyone to always tag genderbending if you do decide to post anything with genderbending. This way the people who are really hurt by it can at least avoid having to see it by blacklisting it.

This about sums up what we’ve been talking about with the people who reached out to us. We really hope everyone will use this to open their minds to different views on these topics. Since everyone's opinions on these topics seem influenced by personal views and experiences, we really cannot ask you to decide for others what’s right and wrong, and so we ask you to reflect on yourself and your own views instead.

We really want to thank @nonbaznary, @krisrix and others who will remain anonymous for taking part in this conversation! You were all super helpful and patient!

Both @nonbaznary and @krisrix told us that they were open to talk to people who still have questions surrounding these topics. Both of them represent different views, and thus will be able to give you different answers. (Please, if you decide to contact them, be kind to them and actually make an effort to listen to them. They’ve been nothing but helpful in all of this. Treat them well, this is something that can take a lot of energy out of a person)

@nonbaznary also mentioned that if anyone is ever looking for a trans person to look at your work before you post it, they’d be open to doing that for you, so you can contact them for that as well.  

We hope that the actions that were taken here will help everyone feel a little more at home in this fandom, even though the solution is such a vague one.

Much love, The admins of the Carry On Countdown of 2020

[augustheart]

the state of trans characters within dc is...like...truly disheartening. 

like i know we’re all excited about jess (and rightly so, genderbend earth and all) and i know there are trans characters that dc has, believe me, i know that, i really do know that, i am a walking fucking encyclopedia for lgbt dc characters, i know the trans ones. okay? i know. but if you just open dc wiki or comic vine or whatever the hell and you look at dc’s trans characters, you will notice patterns in the negative spaces, and they’re upsetting! they really are!

i know about trans characters you probably don’t--i know about mel from american virgin, one of the surprising handful of trans characters from the vertigo imprint. (he dies.) i know about starbright, one of the surprising handful of trans characters from the vertigo imprint. (she appears in a singular issue.) i know about hilde, one of the surprising handful of trans characters from the vertigo imprint. (she is a transmisogynistic caricature.) i know, of course, about kate godwin (dead), lee serrano (written off; a Special Issue), alysia yeoh (written off), victoria october (background), porcelain (written off), ystin (written off; and with transness a recent retcon), wanda mann (dead). i know. and i know if you look at them written out like this, it might seem like a lot. you may even notice some i’ve missed. (to name a few more: ones like dr. thaumaturge. the aerie. echo. suzie su.) (a reforming vigilante, and a far background one at that. a sympathetic protagonist, i will give tom taylor that much. a literal nightmare. a transmisogynistic caricature.)

it’s not a lot. it’s not. marvel is no better, of course marvel is no better, but i’m not talking about marvel. i’m talking about dc. do you see a pattern? do you see it, if you tilt your head and squint? maybe it’s apparent. maybe you see the lack of living trans men, the lack of well-written, mainline trans women (their mere existence in dc’s comics is not some kind of privilege they hold over trans men. do you see the notations--dead, a caricature, written off. a dc tv show holding valuable representation and some characters who have fallen through intolerance’s cracks--only to be torn away later, of course--do not a presence make), the morally grey background nonbinary characters with scant appearances even when they are written well.

this isn’t to say all of these characters are bad. i like (love) many of them. i love coagula, i love porcelain, i love starbright. many of them are written well. but they are never a permanent fixture. “make your own characters instead of imagining existing ones as trans” look what happened to kate godwin. “beg for scraps of representation or you will starve” i will not let cis people pat themselves on the back for characters who die, who are Very Special Issues, who are caricatures. “they already exist, just look for them!” i know, i know, i know, i cannot stress how much i have looked, how little i have found, the way what i have found has turned out! 

i will not pretend i haven’t told others to look and they will find for the characters who i think genuinely are good--the coagulas, the aeries, the victoria octobers, the alysias, the starbrights. i love them so, so dearly. i hold them close to me because they are the best we have gotten. this isn’t to disparage the good characters. the ones written with as much compassion as possible, though sometimes a bit clumsily--i will take a hundred lee serranos over one suzie su. a hundred background victoria octobers over one hilde. even if the execution is sometimes off, the genuine desire to help make change is a sentiment to be encouraged.

but look. look at them. look how when they make us heroes, they trip and stumble over themselves--transness comes from an alternate universe, it is a slate wiped clean and shuttered away as soon as the run ends, it is something that...well...are you sure you said heroes, would you mind being a villain? (i love the morally gray characters, i do! look at my fucking url! but where the hell are all these trans heroes coming from, that people feel comfortable making so many of us villains--sympathetic and protagonistic or not?) look at how many, as i said, simply vanish from pages, whether into the aether or into a coffin. 

there has been some change. i cannot stress enough how much i love some of these characters. how well-written i think some of them are, at least in their motivations and backstory and interactions with others if nothing else. there has been change. but it’s not enough. i don’t know if it will take a major retcon for a popular character to finally give us a trans person who won’t vanish after the writer who put their all into making a new character the fans will love with their transness and not despite it. i hope it doesn’t take that. i still wait with bated breath for every new trans character, i hold and polish them like quartz crystals and i love damn near each and every one. 

but i’m so tired of it. i’m so, so tired.

the state of trans characters within dc is...truly disheartening.

[thewatsonbeekeepers]

Chapter 12: Three Men in a Boat [TFP 2/3]

[This was completely missing from my tumblr, via every search function and everything! So I’ve reuploaded - thanks anon for letting me know!!]

This section of the meta is going to deal with the events at Sherrinford – I’ve broken TFP up into three sections to try and get the most out of it. This isn’t just a read through like the first part of the meta, it has a specific structure, much like Eurus’s trials for the boys, so it’s really important to take this bit in one chapter. My hypothesis is thus – that each episode of s4 has been a different obstacle to be broken through in Sherlock’s mind, and that each of them is represented by one of the different Sherrinford tasks. It’s essentially an illumination of Sherlock’s progress through his mind – but it’s set up by Eurus, who is Sherlock’s mental barrier, so these are going to represent Sherlock’s darkest fears about each of the obstacles. Ready? Let’s go.

We take up the episode at the pirate hijacking, which is quite BAMF, but also illuminates a couple of things that we should bear in mind going into this episode. The first is that the transition from a blown up Baker Street to Sherlock and John hijacking a boat without a scratch on them is absolutely bizarre and leaves SO many questions – it’s dream-jumping of the most obvious kind. The second is that water has played a long role as a metaphor through the show, particularly in the EMP sequence, and it’s climaxing now – we are in the deepest waters of Sherlock’s mind.

Mycroft and John working together in the disguise sequence is metaphorically lovely – in the Oscar Wilde scene of the last part we saw Sherlock’s brain and heart finally coming together, and here for the first time they’re working together to give Sherlock the ability to go and confront Eurus. This is what makes Mycroft’s line so powerful. He says:

Say thank you to Doctor Watson. […] He talked me out of Lady Bracknell – this could have been very different.

Comic throwaway? Maybe. But given what we know about Lady Bracknell from the first part, this also has a more powerful meaning – heart!John finally stopped brain!Mycroft from being an obstructive force in Sherlock’s psyche, and they started working together instead to save him. This could have been very different is far more loaded than it sounds. All this whilst creating an image of Mark Gatiss as a Victorian aunt – wonderful.

When we first meet Eurus proper, her similarity to Sherlock is striking. She plays the violin – this isn’t a Holmes thing, because Mycroft doesn’t – it’s Sherlock’s motif throughout. Her hair is like a feminine Sherlock, her pallor and cheekbones match Cumberbatch. For reference, this is a picture of Sian Brooke and Benedict Cumberbatch together in real life.

I’ve done a section on why I think Eurus is the most repressed part of Sherlock’s psyche, and his traumatic barrier to love and life – I sometimes glibly refer to this as gay trauma, but that’s its essence. The similarity between Brooke and Cumberbatch in this scene is really compelling, looking the same but lit and dressed in opposite colours. Similarity and difference both highlighted. Even nicer, the white of Sherlock’s shirt is the same notable brightness as Eurus’s uniform, but it’s hidden under his jacket – a visual metaphor for her being hidden inside him.

Eurus gives Sherlock a Stradivarius as a gift. This should set alarm bells ringing for anybody who has seen TPLoSH. If you haven’t seen The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, please do so immediately because my God you are missing out, but TLDR – a Russian ballerina offers Holmes a Stradivarius to have sex with her so she can have a brainy child, and he declines because he’s gay. (This is not just my interpretation, this is genuinely what happens, just to be clear.) Eurus giving Sherlock a Stradivarius is a deliberate callback to the film which Mofftiss cite as their biggest inspiration; just like the ballerina tempted Holmes to feign heterosexuality, so does Eurus – and both make clear that it’s not without its rewards, which is unfortunately true for real life as well. This moment in Sherlock’s psyche also recalls the desperate unrequitedness of Holmes’s love for Watson in TPLoSH, a reference to our Sherlock’s deepest fear at the moment – he has realised his importance but not John’s romantic/sexual love for him, as we’ll see. So here, trauma!Eurus isn’t just referencing closetedness, but is actively drawing on a history of character repression with which to torment Sherlock – metafictionality at its finest.

The Stradivarius is specifically associated with closetedness, but violins more generally in the show are used to show expressions of love that can’t be voiced out loud – think of John and Mary’s wedding, or the desperate bowing of ASiB. So Eurus, gay trauma that she is, telling Sherlock that she taught him to play is a moment of distinct pain – she is the reason he can’t speak his love aloud, but instead has to speak in signs.

When Sherlock plays ‘him’, rather than Bach, to Eurus (he has a big Bach thing with Moriarty in s2, take from that what you will because I don’t know!), he’s playing Irene Adler’s theme. As a fandom, we’ve generally agreed on associating Irene’s theme with sexual love, which ties in nicely with Eurus’s question – has Sherlock had sex? It’s unanswered. At the end of ASiB, Irene calls Sherlock the virgin, suggesting that he hasn’t.

My favourite moment in s4 without a doubt is Jim dancing to I Want To Break Free. I know it’s the most boring thing to say, but my two greatest loves are Andrew Scott and Freddie Mercury, so it was like Christmas. Here it is also Christmas, but there are two possible timelines. I hypothesise that this refers to Christmas 2010, but it’s absolutely conceivable that it could be Christmas 2009. If we acknowledge that Sherlock is in a coma in 2014, then five years ago is Christmas 2009; however, given that we’ve jumped to 2015 in dream time, I’m going to make the guess that Jim’s visit to Sherrinford is supposed to take place in 2010. This ties up with the idea that this is when Moriarty first started taking an interest in Sherlock, who had never heard of him before ASiP, particularly as this is all in the EMP.

I firmly believe that Jim represents the fear that John is in danger – I highlight this in the chapter on HLV, where you’ll recall we first encounter Jim in the EMP and he sends Sherlock on his journey through the EMP with the words John Watson is definitely in danger – a pretty big sign. Even without this, though, his biggest threat to Sherlock has always been hurting John, whether in TRF or with the idea of burning the heart out of him with Semtex. It’s not unreasonable then to assume that MP!Jim first getting inside Sherlock’s subconscious to represent this fear happens in 2010, when he first meets John. He slips in and stays there, and he melds with Eurus. We see this in the powerful visual of the two of them dancing in front of the glass as Jim’s image slowly becomes Eurus’s reflection – the fear of John dying embeds itself into the gay trauma that Sherlock has stored up, even without him realising it. This ties in nicely with the choice of I Want to Break Free, which is famous for its use of drag in the music video – Jim melding into Eurus is the dark side of queer genderbending that we hate to see. It’s also a pretty fitting song name for an intensifying of repressed gay trauma, even without the association with queer king Mercury.

[A side note to all of this – there were wonderful TEH metas about trains in tunnels being sexual, which isn’t just a tjlc thing but is a well-established idea in cinema – Moriarty’s consistent train noises here seem like a horrifyingly inverted version of that sexual longing.]

Task 1 – The Six Thatchers

The governor is set up as a mirror for John in this task, which provides some helpful context for the episode as a whole. Heart!John makes this comparison himself, by drawing out the similarity between the situation with the governor’s wife and his with Mary, though in this case the governor does kill himself because of his wife – or so it seems. The suicidal instinct matches with everything we’ve learned about John in s4, but I want to hypothesise, perhaps tenuously, that he’s more connected with Eurus than we might think. We know that Eurus has had control of the governor for quite some time, and one of the things we hear her saying to the governor in the background of the interrogations is that he shouldn’t trust his wife. This is an odd thing to pepper into the background when he’s about to commit suicide for her, and perhaps suggests that he’s more of Eurus’s pawn than he lets on, though I grant this may be spurious.

The idea that he distrusts his wife because of Eurus is important, however, because we’ve already seen John engage with Eurus in various forms, but this seems like an extension of E; Eurus, aka Sherlock’s hidden self, has been making John doubt Mary, even before she shoots Sherlock. John cannot know she’s a spy at this point, so it’s unlikely he’s doubting her goodwill; he’s simply doubting her.

Before we look at how the actual task impacts the governor and how that illustrates what’s really going on in TST, it’s worth pointing out that it is the governor’s engagement with Eurus which prompts the entire shutdown of Sherrinford and forces Sherlock (with brain!Mycroft and heart!John ever at his side, of course) to engage once and for all with Eurus. This points to everything that s4 has been telling us – that Sherlock’s understanding of the relationship between him and John, including his power to save him (we’re going to see the governor play the foil here) is what sends his brain into stay-alive-overdrive. Sherrinford is the peak of this.

Summary of the task, for those who hate TFP: Sherlock is given a gun and told he can pick either John or Mycroft to kill the governor, otherwise the governor’s wife will be killed by Eurus. As I’ve written about in its chapters, TST is about Sherlock trying to get to the bottom of Mary and why she tried to kill him – and, of course, the impact this will have on John. In brief, by displacing the shot onto Mary in his mind, he’s discounting his own importance and instead thinking about what it will mean for John to lose Mary. His greatest fear is that losing Mary will break John, and it isn’t until the end of TLD that he recognises that the return of John’s suicidal ideation isn’t over Mary, but over him. TFP presents the horror version, the version of TST that Sherlock’s trauma wants him to believe but which he has to overcome. In this case, Mycroft and John resolve to keep the governor alive in their passivity, but that passivity – Sherlock’s coma – is not enough to keep the governor from killing himself over Mary. This is the most feared outcome from Mary’s death that Sherlock can think of – his fear of losing John combined with John’s love of Mary, which in TST Sherlock is still taking as read.

Double naming in this show should never be neglected, and in this case we learn shortly before the governor dies that his name is David. Again, the dramatic manner in which we learn this (on the moment of execution) draws our attention to it – we know another David in this show.

Yup – Mary's ex who’s still in love with her from TSoT. So even though Sherlock is experiencing the panic of John killing himself for loss of Mary, his subconscious is still pointing out to him that that’s not what’s happening here. This mirror version of John that he has set up, who is broken by the loss of Mary as Sherlock fears in TST, is actually the other man in Mary’s life – even with Eurus forcing the worst possible scenario onto him, this still can’t quite fit John’s character. And so we move onto the second task.

Task 2 – The Lying Detective

This section of the Sherrinford saga is the three Garridebs, the closest thing that the fandom has ever got to a collective trauma. I do think, however, that it’s fully reclaimable for tjlc and means the same as we always wanted it to; I also think that it’s possibly the most gutting part of Eurus’s metatfictional power play.

If you haven’t read The Adventure of the Three Garridebs, it’s quite short and the most johnlocky of the Holmes canon, so I’d thoroughly recommend. For the purposes of mapping bbc!verse onto acd!verse, however, here’s the incredibly short version. A man called Evans wants to burgle Nathan Garrideb, so he calls himself John Garrideb and writes an advertisement from a man called Alexander Hamilton Garrideb (make of that what you will, hamilstans) declaring that he wants to bequeath his fortune to three Garridebs. “John” gets someone to pretend to be a Howard Garrideb to get Nathan out of the house to meet him – he comes to burgle the house but Holmes and Watson are lying in wait. He shoots Watson, and Holmes thinks Watson is seriously injured and so we have this wonderful section:

“You’re not hurt, Watson? For God’s sake, say you are not hurt!”

It was worth a wound–it was worth many wounds–to know the depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask. The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. All my years of humble but single-minded service culminated in that moment of revelation.

“It’s nothing, Holmes. It’s a mere scratch.”

He had ripped up my trousers with his pocket-knife.

“You are right,” he cried with an immense sigh of relief. “It is quite superficial.” His face set like flint as he glared at our prisoner, who was sitting up with a dazed face. “By the Lord, it is as well for you. If you had killed Watson, you would not have got out of this room alive. Now, sir, what have you to say for yourself?”

Mofftiss have referenced this moment as being the greatest in the Holmes canon for them, the moment when we see the depth of Holmes’s affection for Watson, and so it seems odd to waste it on such a tiny moment in TFP. Many fans, myself included, were really upset to see Eurus drop all three Garridebs into the sea, the implication being that tjlc would never be real, and it was that moment that caused many (including me) to walk away. I came back, obviously, but I completely understand why you wouldn’t. However, I want to map one Garridebs story onto the other to show how they might match up.

The Garridebs that Eurus presents us with are not the three Garridebs from the story. In the story, there are three physically present Garridebs – Nathan, John and Howard – although admittedly only Nathan is an actual Garrideb. Alexander was completely invented by John and existed only in a newspaper advertisement. Evans, alias John Garrideb, is the criminal in the Garridebs story; Alexander is an invention.

So – what happens if we substitute John for Alex in bbc!verse, as in canon they are the same person? This is interesting, because double-naming means that John becomes the killer. Whilst it’s true that John Garrideb is known as Killer Evans for his murder of a counterfeiter back in America, in canon he is done for attempted murder – of John Watson, of course. Here we have a situation where a John is set up killing John. This is exacerbated by the victim in bbc!verse being called Evans; Roger Prescott, the counterfeiter, would have been a much more canonical nod to the books, so we can assume that the choice of Evans is therefore significant. It should be noted that Evans and John/Alex Garrideb are the same person in acd!canon - so killing Evans is a representation of suicide. But, in case we weren’t there yet, the reason that Evans took the name ‘John’ is acd!canon is very likely to be because Evan is Welsh for John – so whatever way you look at this situation, you have Sherlock deducing John killing John.

This is, of course, exactly what Sherlock deduces at the end of TLD, far too slow, when we see Eurus shoot John in an exact mirror of the shot from TST – I explained in a previous chapter why this means that John is suicidal without Sherlock. However, much like the passivity of Sherlock, John and Mycroft in the first task, here we see that Sherlock’s act of deduction is good, but can’t actually save anyone; Eurus kills off our Garridebs moment as Sherlock is left to watch, and it’s notable that heart!John is the most distressed about this. Remember, in the first task Eurus left Sherlock with an image of a John who was suicidally devoted to Mary, and although the Garridebs moment is one which metafictionally highlights the relationship between Sherlock and John, she’s still presenting him with a Garridebs moment in which he is fundamentally unable to save John. This is a direct result of the Redbeard trauma that Sherlock has experienced – helplessness is key to that, and this is what Eurus has come to represent in his psyche. But – Eurus isn’t real, Eurus is testing Sherlock, trauma trying to bring him down, and Sherlock’s job in TFP is to break through the walls that his consciousness has set up for him.

The power in Sherlock saying I condemn Alex Garrideb is heartbreaking, then, because it is Sherlock recognising that he is the reason that John is going to die. Eurus is there to make him confront that reality, which she explicitly makes him do. We get the split-second moment where he thinks he’s saved Alex, and then he’s plunged into the sea – but remember, this is Eurus taunting Sherlock, presenting him with worst-possible-scenarios. TFP is set up as a game for a reason – it is a series of hypotheses cast in Sherlock’s mind by his trauma that he has to break through one by one. Remember, although she’s ostensibly trying to hurt Sherlock, Eurus’s ‘extra’ murders in the first two tasks are aimed at hurting John, which wouldn’t make sense if he weren’t the mp version of Sherlock’s heart.

Task 3 – The Final Problem

Pretty much straight after this episode aired, people were pointing out that Molly is a clear John mirror and that pretty much all of the deductions Sherlock makes here could be about John. Again, we’re seeing Sherlock’s emotions being resolved in a heterosexual context – the presence of Eurus means that he’s unable to process them in their real, queer form. However, if we take Molly to be a stand-in for John in this scene, it may tell us what TFP is about – and the scenario that Eurus presents will be the worst one, the thing that is causing Sherlock the most pain.

TLD/the previous task have shown us that John is in imminent danger, so the transition to Molly Hooper’s flat being rigged with bombs is not a difficult one; we must assume this to be the suicidal ideation that we’ve just deduced. The time limit suggests that Sherlock is running out of time to save him (fucking right he fell into a coma SIX YEARS AGO). Putting Molly in a bad mood isn’t really necessary for this scene – they make her seem a lot more depressed than she would necessarily need to be, and they emphasise her aloneness and her ability to push people away, which isn’t something we know Molly to do. These traits are all much more important in the context of a suicidal John – they paint a much clearer picture of someone who is depressed and alone than we really need for this scene, where it’s not relevant to the surface plot.

Sherlock and the audience believe he has won this task, but of course he hasn’t - there were never any explosives rigged up in Molly’s flat, and it was a ruse to destroy his relationship with Molly. This is what he fears then – what if he’s wrong? What if coming back to life because he loves John won’t save him – it will destroy him and their relationship? The problem to be wrestled with is how to save John – according to the symmetry of these tasks, that is the final problem. We know that the scenario Eurus has presented isn’t real, but Sherlock doesn’t; he is being held up by his inability to cope with interpersonal relationships, and to get to the bottom of that we’re going to need to understand what he’s been repressing – part 3 of this meta.

There’s a wonderful shot just as Sherlock is destroying Molly’s coffin which zooms up and out through a ceiling window, all the way above Sherrinford, as though to emphasise not how remote Sherrinford is but just how deep inside it Sherlock is. Given what we know about the height metaphor as well as the water metaphor, this shot is a pretty clear way of telling us – this is as deep inside Sherlock’s mind as we go, this is the nub. But Sherlock smashing up the coffin has another powerful connotation – he's refusing death. In terms of metaphor, he’s refusing John’s death – there will be no small coffin, because he will not let it happen – but the visual of him smashing the coffin also suggests that he is rejecting his own death. The two are, of course, inextricably linked. Our boys’ lives are tied together.

Epilogue: The Hunger Games

I can’t watch this without thinking of The Hunger Games, I just can’t! But regardless of how much Sherlock seems like Katniss in this section, let’s press on. I don’t count this as one of the typical tasks, because this isn’t Eurus presenting a ‘haha I tricked you scenario’ - far from it. This is Sherlock’s way into unlocking his repression. The key takeaway from this scene, as we’ll see is that trauma has hurt Sherlock, and it’s going to try pretty hard here to mutilate him – but it can’t kill him.

We get a great line from Sherlock at the beginning of this, where he tells John that the way Eurus is treating him isn’t torture, it’s vivisection. Because it’s an experiment? Perhaps. But the more logical way to phrase this would be that it isn’t vivisection, it’s torture. Torture is much more emotionally charged than vivisection as a phrase – from a writer’s perspective, this phrasing is strange because it seems to negate rather than intensify the pain our characters are undergoing. Why, then, would vivisection be more important than torture? Well, put simply, vivisection is the act of cutting someone open and seeing what’s inside – and that’s what we’re doing. This isn’t just an analogy for experimenting on people, it’s an analogy for going literally inside somebody. In EMP world, then, these words are well chosen.

Sherlock is offered the choice – John or Mycroft? Heart or brain? We might initially think that this is Eurus pressuring Sherlock into death, but that’s not the case at all – we know from the early series that Sherlock has survived before (although very unhappily) with just one of these two dominating the other. It has taken his EMP journey to unite them into a functioning entity, and Eurus is bent on destroying that, mutilating either his emotional capacity or his reasoning, the two parts that make him human. This is a good sign, as well, that trauma has been acting on Sherlock through the first three series, when his psyche was dominated by brain!Mycroft - Eurus is keen to revert to that state, when trauma had control. It is touching, then, that brain!Mycroft is willing to relinquish that control and leave Sherlock with his heart, perhaps because this new unity allows him to recognise how damaged the Sherlock he created was. We should also note that this diminishing of Sherlock’s heart is compared to his Lady Bracknell, which we know to be his repression of all Sherlock’s romantic/sexual impulses – except this time it’s less convincing, because his brain doesn’t believe it anymore. What is also devastating is heart!John’s lack of self-esteem or knowledge, the sense that he isn’t useful to Sherlock, which of course will be proven wrong.

[if anyone has thoughts on the white rectangle on the floor, do let me know. It’s bugging me!]

Mycroft says that he acknowledges there is a heart somewhere inside of him – again, this is emotionally powerful in the context of the brain/heart wrangling that we’ve seen inside the EMP. Just as Sherlock’s psyche has tried to compartmentalise them all this time and they’re finally working together, now there’s an acknowledgement that the compartmentalisation into personae is maybe inaccurate as well – brain!Mycroft’s pretence to be emotionally detached is not in fact correct, as we’ve been suspecting for a long time.

Brain!Mycroft also states that it’s his fault that this has all happened because he let Eurus converse with Jim. If you spend any time thinking about the Eurus + Jim meeting, like many elements of this show it doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a feasible way this could have been planned, recorded etc in five minutes, and although it’s true that Jim could have come back to shoot the videos under the governor’s supervision, it’s not clear why he’s so important. Unless he takes on the metaphorical significance that we’ve assigned him, letting Jim see Eurus seems pretty unimportant – he is only the garnishing on Eurus’s plan. Instead, Mycroft is at fault for letting John be in danger – not only did Sherlock misdeduce Mary (although we can lay the blame for that at the feet of heart!John - see meta on TST), his reasoning was blinded and so he missed John’s suicidal urges and the danger to his life. Brain!Mycroft holds himself responsible – all of these EMP deductions are way late, comprised of things Sherlock should have noticed when his brain wasn’t letting his heart in.

Five minutes. It took her five minutes to do this to all of us.

The lighting is dramatic, so I can’t properly gauge Ben’s expression at this moment, but his eyes look crinkled in confusion, just like they are at the moments when a sense of unreality starts to set in in TAB. Indeed, these aren’t very appropriate words for when you’re about to kill your brother; it’s like he’s being distracted, like there’s something important that he’s missing. Mofftiss are drawing attention to the sheer impossibility of the situation – and Sherlock’s nearly there. His Katniss Everdeen move, threatening to kill himself, is the recognition that his trauma doesn’t have that power – it can hurt him and deform him by twisting his psyche into unbalance, like it has before and like Eurus is trying to here, but it cannot kill him. We can see that Sherlock has risen above the one-sided dominance that he began the entire show with when Eurus shouts at him that he doesn’t know about Redbeard yet – that’s not going to change his mind today, but it’s a direct throwback to the days when it would have, in ASiP with the cabbie. Character development, folks.

The shot of Sherlock falling backwards into the dark water links to two aspects of the EMP. One is the continued metaphor of water to represent sinking into the depths of his mind. The water is so dark it looks oily – it could be argued that this is the oil that is corrupting the waters of his mind as we finally cut to the repressed memories. I quite like this reading, though I have little other oil imagery to link it to in the show. The other notable point is the slow-motion fall backwards – instead of showing Sherlock, John and Mycroft all falling, we cut to Sherlock falling backwards exactly like he did in HLV when he was shot by Mary. This is a really clear visual callback. Even though we’re going deeper, we’re linking back to the original shooting, back in reality, suggesting that this depth is paradoxically going to lead us back to the start. To go back to the oil imagery, don’t forget that oil floats on water – although it looks like we’re sinking, there’s a real sense that these repressed memories are actually pulling us to the surface of Sherlock’s subconscious, quite unlike the deep zoom out we saw when Sherlock was destroying the coffin.

And that’s it for part 2 of the TFP meta! Part 3/3 will deal with such highlights as John not being able to recognise bones and presumably getting his feet pulled off by chains. Good thing this is just a dream. See you then!

[rpbetter]

Hey, everyone! I want to talk about the conversation we've recently had on this blog regarding genderbending characters, as there is a part to this I think is important and unknowable unless I say it, since it has occurred off the dash.

In this conversation, I tried to make it clear that while I held absolutely no hostility toward muns making this choice for whatever reason (or reasons) made it right for them, I had some biases going on. I always feel like it is important to be open about where I'm coming from on an issue. Every conversation on this blog is meant to be that, a conversation. This is a place where unpopular opinions are welcome and difficult things can be talked about. You cannot have those conversations in the hope that the community will broaden their views and be a little more chill if you're not being open about where you stand, too.

That also means it is an obligation to speak again when that changes, it's part of the honesty, part of the conversation. And that has happened.

Thanks to some messages, ones that were not at all meant to change my mind or anything, I got the opportunity to explore blogs and characterizations, in addition to, quite simply, being really impressed with a group of people that chose to be rational and polite, despite knowing that I wasn't into what they are passionate about. Looking through these blogs, it smacked me in the face at about three in the morning that my opinion had been unfairly colored by fandom experiences. I even said as much in my responses, and had left myself my own damn breadcrumbs as to how this had happened. Sometimes, though, it takes removing oneself from oneself to follow those innate trails to their source.

That's what happened. It was kind of a journey back in time to my first RP fandom. While things were nowhere near as toxic as they are today, this was in the late 90's and I was a minor in a fandom fully meant for and run by adults. Things were quite often...raunchy. Now, as a young teen, especially of that time period, that was just a thing to be mindful of avoiding when I didn't like it, to find a little funny when I did, and that otherwise felt the safe kind of deviant. (Don't get me wrong, in those days adults did protect minors, many of us were not subject to grooming and other abuse expressly because the twenty and thirty-somethings in our writing groups stepped in and got terrifying. But we were expected to behave maturely enough to self-avoid and take responsibility for our choices to forgo warnings of art and writing we encountered.)

Like most fandoms, my first one was dominated by cisgendered, male characters. In my particular era of it, there were two adult women and one child who were not. Many, many people genderswapped then, it was not considered a terrible thing. I wrote with genderbent versions of the canon I had, even. However, a great deal of the impetus to genderbend continually was sexualizing one or the other of the two male mains who everyone shipped together and many had some, realized or not, homophobia about shipping together. Turning one or the other into a cis woman "fixed" it. They could now be as explicit as they wanted to be without the icky feeling of writing Gay Sex. (Listen lol there were still warnings on fan sites that read "contains Gay Sex!! That's a man and a man together, don't proceed if you don't like it!" It was an era in which both of my favorite canon characters were continually insulted using homophobic slurs. Things were different. Things were a lot closer to the way muns now act like they are.)

For someone who was writing male characters because that was the gender they felt comfortable as, who did not want to be sexualized as a feminine presenting and defaulted person, that was not exactly charming. I started avoiding it like the plague. I developed some latent irritation over the matter that came out twelve to fifteen years later when still writing RP online and the MCU crashed fandom into popular culture awareness and acceptance. In many ways, I think that experience was for me what it was for a lot of older fandom folks - it was a reminder of how thrilling getting into a rich, older fandom was the first time around, but it was also a little frustrating being suddenly swamped by people who might have acted like you were a freak six months ago, now wearing three hundred dollars of merch and informing you of their arcane comic knowledge. A lot of things we experienced in the early days of online fandom were coming back around again in a huge way. Including genderbending and all the ways it can be used to do anything but explore characters.

And, hey, let's just say it - the MCU has been a bit infamous for being toxic. Whether you love it, hate it, are somehow neutral, we're all aware of the reputation, most of us have directly experienced it. I don't think it is the fault of the material or anything, I think it rests largely upon the scale and reach of the fandom. That is the mega fandom of mega fandoms. Even having only 1% toxic, terrible assholes in it would still mean you'd run into their bad behavior constantly at that size. There are definitely other factors, yes, but that's a whole other conversation when my point is that the overall toxicity of the fandom that was absolutely inescapable did not help my revived, lingering feelings of distaste surrounding the thing once again popular to do for the reasons I found it distasteful the first time.

That's alright, we're all entitled to have things we don't like, we're all entitled to not realize why or want to work on it, so long as we're not using that as a vehicle to harass and shame people. Being a person is a thing I strongly support and people are flawed and full of nuanced experiences. The whole point of this post is because I suspect that other people out there have negative viewpoints being unfairly applied (unfair to others, but also, unfair to themselves in potentially cutting themselves off from people and writing they might enjoy). My hope is that if I say I recognized this, others might be more willing to consider why they feel the way they do and whether it might not be worth it to give someone a chance they might not have otherwise. At the very least, to try to understand where others are coming from before you believe everything you're told or keep your viewpoint only to the negative experiences you've had.

Looking at these characterizations the other night/morning, what struck me so much was the feeling of well, I'd write with this person. All my requirements as stated in my rules were present. In the rules of my RP blogs, I certainly do not state that I won't write with genderbent muses, my requirements are all about the writing. If these people fulfilled that, would I have given them a chance? Would I have looked at their blog when they followed, or would I have seen that they were a genderbent version and not have clicked the URL to see any more of who had followed me?

That was really uncomfortable to contemplate! In the end, I can't say because it never happened. I wish that it had so that I could say either way, it'd be a more comfortable feeling to either know that I'd have done the reasonable thing or not. That if I did not, I could at least feel bad about it and try to make amends. I can only suspect, and my suspicion is that I'd have floated over the URL, seen the description, and in my visceral reaction, not gone farther. I'm not very happy about that suspicion.

It's not cool that I very well might have ignored someone who was doing exactly what I want and talk about doing all the time, analyzing and developing their own version of a muse. Taking into account how changing one thing, large or small, changes the character and their story, and writing it that way. Being invested in characters and writing, being a good RP partner and member of the RPC.

So, while I could have had this moment of realization quietly and never said a damn thing, it definitely affects no one's life but mine, since I did make the statements I did, I felt it was important to talk about this unseen side of the story. I had some negative opinions I didn't even realize fully, and I really appreciate some great muns for being willing to join a conversation and even allow me the opportunity to view their blogs. That's difficult when your experience is being maligned and harassed. We all know what that means in the RPC now, it means an unending string of anon hate, callouts, smear campaigns, and wondering every time you log in or go off of your blog what hatefulness you'll have aimed at you today. It does not leave much room for openness with others.

I'd like to invite everyone to consider their own feelings, not just on this matter, but other matters in the RPC that they no longer even remember why they started avoiding. If it isn't going to be triggering to you, maybe check out that side of things and make sure it really is the way you think it is, or if things have changed, if you've gotten the wrong impression of a topic, fandom, or individual person. No one is under any obligation to write with, or otherwise interact with, anything they don't like here, of course. However, it doesn't hurt anyone to be aware of all sides. To start a conversation with someone you normally wouldn't, look through blogs you might not have otherwise, or to do some self-examination on whether you're being as truthful with yourself as you think you are when you say in your rules that it's only the following things that matter to you.

Maybe you'll make some new friends or mutuals, or simply learn something about yourself and others. The most important thing is the underlying message I'm trying to demonstrate here, as I feel like it's a major issue unpinning so many others, that it's alright to be wrong. Perhaps, if I demonstrate that being wrong can be a good thing and a good thing to be open about, it'll have a less nasty flavor for other muns.

*I want to be clear about muns choosing to write a genderbent muse on the basis of smut. Just because it is something that has bothered me does not make it legitimately gross and wrong, you're fine. Those are my own personal gender-based issues. It doesn't mean this is inherently homophobic, just as genderbending isn't inherently transphobic. I don't want that to be confused in what I said. I was referencing well over twenty years ago in fandom, I have not seen anything like that in years now, and would not ascribe such things today where they are neither inferable nor directly stated by muns. I don't want anyone doing that, or feeling like I am doing that.

Just as some muns are only comfortable or interested in writing from the perspective of their own gender, it is not wrong to write something as personal as smut from one's own perspective. I shouldn't have to say that, with the way that accusations of fetishizing remain high, but the RPC is nonsensical like that, isn't it? We don't want anything but queer ships, but also, if you write queer ships that aren't of your own bodily reality, you're fetishizing them. RPC logic at its finest!

Like writing any other perspective that is not one's own, if you cannot do it in a respectful and faithful manner, I am of the opinion it should not be done. As I am of the opinion that if it makes you incredibly uncomfortable to the point of misery to write it, it should not be done. There are valid reasons why muns might not be comfortable writing out those particular logistics and they have nothing to do with homophobia.

Thanks, I don't want anyone taking this appeal to self-examine and not be hostile to others as some kind of strange permission to do so on a different topic.

[aftokrvteira]

break my heart (ch.1)

pairing: fem!eren x levi ackerman warnings: explicit smut, cliché, some other characters are genderbended too. word count: 19.1 k status: on going summary: Levi was sleeping soundly next to me and I couldn't help but smile. I got up carefully to go to the bathroom and almost tripped over Levi's pants that were still lying on the floor. I lifted them out of the way and heard something fall with a soft metallic sound. I put the pants on the bed and reached down, feeling the ground under the bed until I felt it and pulled it out. I couldn't see very well, so I took the small object with me to the bathroom. When I turned on the light, I could see it clearly in the palm of my hand.

It was a wedding ring.

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available on AO3

I should've stayed home.

There was too much noise, too many people. The lights were lighting up the club intermittently and I saw everyone dancing, having fun, and having a good time. And I was sitting in a sticky little chair, in charge of the coats of my friends who had long since disappeared, invited by strangers to dance for a while and why not? have a hot moment. I was staring at my phone, trying to avoid all possible eye contact. I just couldn't find a way to feel good.

It had been almost two weeks since I'd broken up with Jean and the only progress I made was precisely taking a shower and allowing Mikasa to help me dress and get ready to go out. It had been days since I left my apartment. The wound was still very fresh. He'd dumped me for a coworker who, by the way, I couldn't even hate. After 3 years of trying to keep our relationship afloat, he found the harmony with her that we could never force between us. I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. Our breakup had simply opened a hole in my chest so deep and painful that it did not allow me to feel anything other than sadness and frustration at not being enough.

When I went down my Instagram feed, a new publication of the aforementioned appeared before my eyes. It was a beautiful photo of them together at a romantic dinner at the same restaurant where I had begged him for months to take me to  —. Son of a bitch ... —I whispered, immediately tapping the screen to see the tags on the photo. Her profile was just what I expected from a girl like Marcie: pictures of food, flowers, adorable selfies ... What did she have that I didn't? Was it her freckles? Her nose? I was in the middle of my stalking session when my cell phone suddenly turned off, making me curse. Of course I had forgotten to charge it before going to the club, thinking that I would not need it ...

—Are you still sitting here? — I could barely hear Mikasa's voice over the music. I shot her an unfriendly look and she rolled her eyes. She came over, sitting next to me. I immediately felt that there were several eyes glued to her and with good reason. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a white sequin dress with a very revealing low back. She stood out like nobody else —. Erin, I didn't bring you to babysit the coats.

—You forced me to come here.

—I didn't force you to come just so you could sit alone all night.

She raised a hand to get the attention of a waiter and ordered a round of tequila shots. Around the same time April appeared, asking for an extra one for herself.

—You should follow April's example —Mikasa said, to which the blonde blushed a little, but without hiding her smile. I noticed then that her lipstick was a little smudged and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Well I'll be damned. April Arlert, the one who was unable to make her own order at a restaurant, had been hooking up with someone. Even she was getting out of her comfort zone —. Spill it, April.

—He's a lawyer! It's a dream, really. He even has his own law firm!

—Did you hooked up with him or did you interviewed him for a job? —I asked, to which she just laughed —. You want me to start networking at the club like her? I could use a new job —Mikasa nudged me just as the waiter reappeared with the shots, a plate of salt, and lemon wedges. Mikasa quickly put the glass in my hand.

—You take it and as soon as you do, you'll come with me. We'll go fishing — she said, even though I knew it was an order. I frowned. The sooner I did it, the sooner I could go back to the table to sink into my misery and at least Mikasa couldn't bother me with the excuse that I hadn't played along. I nodded reluctantly and drank the tequila in one gulp, feeling my throat and stomach burn. Almost immediately Mikasa grabbed my wrist —. Are you coming, April?

The blonde smiled again and shook her head, sipping her tequila and turning to go back to her mysterious lawyer. Mikasa tugged on my arm again and I walked behind her, wading through the couples and groups dancing on the floor without any inhibition. We walked almost the entire ground floor of the club and I had not seen anyone who caught my attention. I could only think of Jean and Marcie, at their dinner ... Oh, surely they would already be in his apartment. She would upload a picture of what she had eaten and then Jean would fuck her because that's what he liked to do. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth.

—Where do you think you're going? —Mikasa stopped me before I could take a step towards the table where I could be calm and sad —. Let's dance.

—I don't want to dance —I exclaimed, but she didn't seem to hear me and dragged me onto the floor, where we made up space. She began to dance, moving to the beat of the music, drawing male and female glances alike, and every now and then she would signal me to play along. I stayed still, uncomfortable, looking for an escape route that fortunately came when a blonde girl with very, very blue eyes approached Mikasa. I took advantage of that distraction to sneak up to the bar where I asked for a glass of water, thinking about how I could go back home. I knew that going to that club hadn't been a good idea because every minute that passed I couldn't help but feel worse and worse. My feet ached from my heels. My dress made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to go to bed in my pajamas, cry and watch reality shows about wedding dresses that I would never have because I would be alone forever.

—Do you mind if I sit with you?

I could perfectly hear a male voice above the music. I turned to look at him, ready to reject him, but I was speechless. The man in question was not only handsome, but his face seemed to have been carved by angels. He wore a black shirt that fitted perfectly what should be well-worked, firm arms and abdomen. The first few buttons were loose, letting me see more of his pale skin gleaming in the club lights. His dark gaze was still fixed on me and all I could do was nod, incredulous that such a guy was talking to me. I hadn't seen him when I went fishing with Mikasa. I would never have overlooked such a man.

—What are you drinking? —He asked, looking at my glass.

—Water — he raised an eyebrow and the shadow of a smile appeared on his face —. I ... I don't usually drink much —. He chuckled and called the bartender.

—Bring me two Manhattans— he said —. With cherries.

—I don't drink with strangers —I said immediately. He was unfazed by my words and instead held out a hand. Hesitantly, I took it and he gave me a gentle tug so he could speak into my ear.

—I'm Levi —he said, and his voice made me shudder. It was masculine, deep ... capable of melting butter —. And you?

—Erin—. He shook my hand in his before taking a step back.

—Nice to meet you, Erin —he smiled at me and I went weak at the knees —. Now that we're not strangers ...—he slid the glass in my direction. The amber liquid looked attractive, not to mention the bright red cherry that decorated it —. Did you come alone?

—Are you going to kidnap me? —I asked, without thinking my words and immediately closed my mouth. My question didn't seem to bother him, but he just took a swig of his drink, still looking at me. I cleared my throat —I came with my friends, but ...

—They dumped you — Levi said. I nodded, with a resigned expression. I took the glass and took a long swallow, gesturing at the strong taste. He laughed again —. I thought you were joking when you said you didn't drink much —I shook my head. He took another sip of his drink and encouraged me to try again, this time taking small, short sips to savor the cocktail —. I've been dumped too — he commented —. I came with a friend, he told me he'd go to the bathroom and ... he's probably taking the biggest shit in the world because he's been missing for almost an hour —I laughed and he seemed satisfied. It was the first genuine laugh I'd let out since the breakup. It felt really good.

Levi turned out to be a very good distractor. I liked the idea of staying at the bar talking with him and as we drank, the music and the lights stopped feeling annoyed and little by little I moved my feet or my head to the rhythm of the songs.

—Let's dance —I said suddenly, setting my glass on the bar. Maybe I was letting alcohol take over my actions for a moment. I wasn't drunk, but the pleasant tickle of the drink was beginning to settle in my body, relaxing me. I didn't know any of the songs completely, but I didn't mind sticking to the beat. I cannot say that I am an exceptional dancer, but I felt comfortable and sensual while moving my hips and waist. I felt Levi's warm hands on my waist, as if his heat penetrated the fabric of my dress. Each time he got closer to me, adapting to my rhythm, guiding me, sticking his body to mine. His fingers ran over my abdomen and my ribs in up and down motions. Every now and then they brushed my legs or came dangerously close to the hem of my dress. My back was close to his chest and I felt free enough to enjoy the movements that brought my butt to his crotch.

I felt his breath on my neck and our gazes met for a few seconds before I, driven by alcohol or spite,  dared to kiss him.

Wasn't this what Mikasa wanted me to do? Finding a stranger, dancing with him, kissing him...

Levi's mouth tasted like cherry and whiskey. I raised a hand to caress his cheek as our tongues brushed, savoring each other. Something throbbed inside me. An urgency that I thought I would never feel again after breaking up with Jean. One of Levi's hands moved down my abdomen gently and as his fingers descended on my belly, his kisses traveled from my mouth to my neck. Then I felt him touch my crotch and I couldn't help moaning softly. I felt my pussy throb and burn, asking for more of those delicate and provocative touches. The heat was building inside me and again I sought his mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck. He attracted me in the same way, as if he felt the same hunger as me.

Kissing him was on another level, unknown and addictive. I didn't know anything but his name and I didn't care. Desire was evident between us and grew as I tangled his soft dark hair around my fingers, feeling the tingle of his undercut in the palm of my hand. We separated for a few seconds, to catch our breath. His eyes shone and I felt his warm breath close. We exchanged glances for just a few seconds, but it didn't take more. He took me by the hand to lead me off the dance floor and onto the second floor of the club. Surely there he had been hidden from my sight. He guided me to the VIP area, away from the rest of the tables and hidden behind a large screen.

He sat on one of the dark chairs and pulled me back to him and I sat on his lap and kissed him again. His hands ran down my back, pressing the fabric of my dress, as if he wanted to reach my skin through it. Instinctively I wiggled my hips, to restart the rub from before, feeling a chill as I felt his crotch harden and grow as it rubbed against my already damp underwear. I didn't stop myself from letting out soft moans and gasps, especially when his hands squeezed my ass, caressing my buttocks with a mixture of perversion and softness that I hadn't known before.

I slid the tip of my tongue down his neck until I gently bit into his earlobe, which produced a satisfying growl from him. Levi spanked me, which pleasantly surprised me and made me moan. We continued kissing until I felt my lips swollen and an unbearable heat invaded us both. Levi stroked my body possessively and it was as if I had never been touched before. His hands explored my belly, my ass, and my breasts, squeezing them gently.

—I want to fuck you —he whispered in my ear, sending a chill through my entire body. He took one of my hands and brought it directly to his erect member. I felt my cheeks light up even more and I bit my lip —. I can't take it anymore. I want to feel you— I gulped and, wordlessly, I nodded, to which he half-smiled. He took his coat from the back of the sofa and stood up, offering me his hand.

We returned to the first floor and I asked him to wait for me at the entrance of the club while I collected my sweater and my purse. I hurriedly walked over to our table, where I found Mikasa chatting animatedly with the same blonde girl from before.

—Erin! —she called out my name when she saw me —. This is Annie ... —she said, though she seemed to forget what she wanted to say about her. It wasn't necessary, because they seemed quite close already. Annie's hand on Mikasa's thigh spoke for itself —. Where were you? —she asked. I went over to get my things.

—I'm leaving ... with someone— I simply said. It took her a second to understand it and she let out a shout of glee —. We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Tell April there will be tea! — I gave her a kiss on the cheek and I waved goodbye. Mikasa continued to celebrate my success for a moment before turning her attention back to Annie.

Returning to Levi, I was overcome by a sudden emotion and anxiety that I did not know how to control. The freezing air outside only made me realize how hot I was burning inside. Levi took my hand while we waited for the guy from the valet parking to return with his car. I must say that I don't know anything about cars, but it was a very nice model, with an elegant dark color and a sophisticated look. Judging from the valet's shocked look, it appeared to be a good vehicle. Levi opened the passenger door for me and hurried to get into the car.

Lights flashed through the window. I knew he was just as eager as I was because he took advantage of every red light to caress my leg, my cheek, or kiss me deeply until I was breathless.

As soon as we reached our destination, I couldn't help but be impressed. I recognized the building and knew we were in the upper part of town. Levi guided me inside and as we entered the elevator, he pushed me against the wall, kissing my neck shamelessly, touching me wherever he wanted, looking for a way to be closer. It was so pleasant to feel wanted in such a way that I just let myself go.

The doors jingled open and a stunning immaculate, elegant apartment appeared before my eyes that had his vibe wherever I looked. I didn't have much time to fully appreciate it, as he devoured my mouth again. He lifted me into his arms, carrying me into the main room, where he placed me on the bed and pinned me under his body.

My fingers brushed his skin but his shirt became a hindrance, so using a skill and dexterity I didn't know I possessed, I unbuttoned it and finally had access to his firm, bare abdomen. I ran my fingers over his muscles, rapt at the smooth texture of his skin, eager to taste it. Levi stripped off his shirt and dropped it to the side of the bed. He took me in his arms and in the blink of an eye I was in my underwear and he looked at me closely, as if he was ogling me. Just in the darkness of the room I could make out his smile and my skin prickled when I felt his lips kiss my neck, calmly going down my collarbones and the space between my breasts. My abdomen and my belly were covered with soft kisses. I felt his fingers play with my panties and his nails tickled me as he slid the fabric down my legs until they were removed. I held my breath for a few seconds, as his hands caressed me provocatively, getting closer and closer to my wet pussy. He gently parted my thighs and I felt his warm breath on me.

I sighed when I felt his tongue run through me and it was only a matter of seconds for the room to fill with the wet clicks of his mouth against my pussy. I spread my legs wider, raised my hips, seeking more of that delicious contact that made me gasp and moan of pure pleasure. His tongue made circular movements around my clit and I arched my back in the rush of pleasure it caused me. Levi seemed delighted to bury his face between my legs, because he was barely pausing to breathe and his hands were gripping my thighs, squeezing my skin, as if he didn't want to pull away. My belly contracted when I felt the tip of his tongue slide inside me, giving me an unfamiliar but delicious sensation. I tangled my fingers in his dark hair, pulling him closer to me as I felt the pleasure build more and more, threatening to make me explode. Before that happened, I tugged at his hair to make him lift his head so I could look at him.

—I don't want to come yet —I gasped —. I want to come when I have your dick inside me.

My words seemed to convince him, as he got out of bed and I heard the clink of his belt and his pants fell to the floor. But he didn't get on the mattress right away, instead he approached the edge of the bed, caressing my cheek with one hand while stimulating his erect member with the other. At the sight of it, I had little to gape. It was much bigger than I expected. His thumb slid down my lower lip, as if asking permission to enter and I indulged him, licking and sucking on him.

—You have beautiful lips —he said in a low voice, almost like a purr. He took his thumb out of my mouth and brought the tip of his penis closer to me —. Show me what you can do.

As if it were an order, I parted my lips to lick the tip, slowly. Little by little I was letting it enter my mouth completely, and even so, it did not fit me whole. A choking sensation brought tears to my eyes, but I didn't stop. I took his member with my hand and began to masturbate it, continuing to lick and suck it, enjoying its taste. From time to time he would push it until it touched my throat and this caused him a growl of pleasure that excited me more and more. With my free hand I decided to attend to that excitement by masturbating, feeling how wet I was. This seemed to attract his attention.

—Are you anxious? —he asked and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was smiling —. Tell me what you want.

—I want you to fuck me — I asked bluntly, without gasping —. I want you to shove your cock deep into me and make me moan until I lose my voice ... Please — I added, tinting my voice with desire and lust that were already on the verge of driving me mad. He seemed satisfied with my request and before climbing to the bed, I saw his silhouette looking for something in the drawer of the night table. A few seconds later, he was already kneeling between my legs and I heard the familiar sound of a condom being opened.

I thought briefly about what was happening. I searched my mind for some regret or guilt, but found nothing but a longing to be possessed by this stranger who had approached me in a club. Perhaps the two sexless weeks I had been subjected to were causing havoc or perhaps I just wanted to find an escape from my sadness and loneliness. Either way, I was enjoying it like never before.

Levi groaned as he entered me and I felt that, even being so wet and aroused, it was difficult for me to adjust to his size.

—Shit —he muttered —. You're so tight ...—he moved closer to my face and his hands pinned my wrists against the mattress —. You're amazing —he said before kissing me wildly again. His hips moved slowly, as if he too was getting used to my insides. He straightened up again and released my hands to grasp my thighs and raise my hips. In that new position I felt him go deeper and was unable to contain a loud moan. He increased the rhythm of the thrusts and my voice rose higher and higher, at times mixing with his.

Suddenly, he released my legs and tugged on my bra, pulling it up to release my breasts. He took them in his hands, teasing my nipples until they were hard. This seemed to be his goal, as he descended to catch one of them in his mouth, sucking gently on it. That new stimulus gave me a new wave of pleasure and I moved my hips too, to adjust to his rhythm, moaning his name. I slid my right hand over my abdomen and, as he penetrated me, I stimulated my clit with my fingers, taking me a level beyond the pleasure I was experiencing.

My thoughts were only filled with Levi: his body, his hands, his voice, his tongue. There was nothing else I wanted in the world but to have this man make me his for the rest of eternity. The way his body fit in with mine was nothing like the way Jean and I had sex. What I had with Levi totally overshadowed Jean's routine caresses. It was wonderful.

At one point, Levi took out his member and, with impressive dexterity, he shifted positions and put me on all fours. I pressed my chest to the mattress and raised my hips as high as possible.

—Erin ...—he said breathlessly, grabbing my ass, squeezing it —. You're the most magnificent thing I've ever seen in my fucking life —he then gave me a loud spanking and shoved his dick back into me, filling me completely. Our skins collided in a delicious symphony that matched my moans and gasps so well. Occasionally he would spank me again and each time he did it brought me one step closer to ecstasy. I felt his hand tangle through my hair and tug on it, making me arch my back until I felt his breath on my neck, rough, wild. His other hand was already taking care of caressing my clitoris once more and the stimulation of his fingers was delicious and unbearable.

—Ah, Levi! —I moaned his name, lost in pleasure, about to lose control —. I'm coming! My God, I'm coming! —I exclaimed and he accelerated his thrusts. With a delicious contraction and a heavenly burst, orgasm invaded me, plunging me into a state of pure pleasure that made my skin tingle. A few seconds later I felt his hands grip my hips, digging his fingers into my skin. He moaned my name and I knew we had both reached the height of pleasure at the same time.

He pulled away from me and I laid down on the bed, while he went to the bathroom. My heart was pounding and I was trying to regulate my breathing. With some difficulty I ended up removing my bra and the brush of the cold sheets with my warm skin felt delicious. After a couple of minutes, Levi came back and laid down on the bed next to me. I wondered whether I should get close to him or not. I didn't think he wanted to cuddle after sex, because, after all, we were just two strangers who had made out. I turned to see him and he was staring blankly at the ceiling. I was able to appreciate his profile more closely and felt an uncontrollable urge to caress his cheek. As if reading my mind, he turned his face and our eyes met.

—Do you want to spend the night here? —he asked suddenly. I couldn't see his face clearly so I didn't know if he meant it or not. I was silent for a few seconds, thinking about my answer. I wanted to stay, of course, but didn't know what that entailed. Maybe he was just being nice and didn't want to be that jerk who throws the girl out of his apartment after fucking her —. It's late —he added —. I don't want you to go home alone. I'll take you home tomorrow —. That was a very kind offer —. —Besides ... I want to see you again —he said and his words took me by surprise. I thought maybe my pussy had bewitched him enough to say that... Although maybe it was just a very decent request to have casual encounters on a regular basis. I thought about it for a moment.

—Sounds good to me— I replied, leaning on my side to face him. I heard him sigh, as if in all that time he had held his breath. I was startled when I felt his hand caress my cheek. He was the one who got closer to me and the closeness made me slightly nervous. His hand traveled down my lower back, drawing me to him and our skins brushed once more, causing me to shiver. Maybe he wasn't just looking for sexual relief. Levi settled in to hug me to his chest and seemed to be cooing down as he stroked my back. I won't deny that it was a very comfortable feeling, but I was a bit confused about it. I've never heard of a one-night stand that ended with cuddling in the aforementioned bed. At least That was not what my friends had told me about one night stands. I placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat. A pleasant warmth ran through my body. Was I getting carried away by my stupid romanticism? I let my mind wander for a few seconds.

Levi had been an interesting surprise that night. Not just because of the sex, but because at the club it had been so easy for me to talk to him. He had made me laugh and even forget how lonely I had felt the last few days. I liked the feeling. It was like regaining a part of me that I thought had disappeared along with my relationship with Jean. Maybe it wasn't so bad being like this, holding each other, together. It felt like a preamble, a risk that I was willing to take, despite my bad past experience. I couldn't live trapped in my bitterness. Maybe Levi would be the breath of fresh air I needed. I also wanted to see him again. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me slowly, feeling a small flame of warmth ignite in my chest.

A few hours later I woke up. Levi was sleeping soundly next to me and I couldn't help but smile. I got up carefully to go to the bathroom and almost tripped over Levi's pants that were still lying on the floor. I lifted them out of the way and heard something fall with a soft metallic sound. At first I thought it was Levi's belt buckle, but the impact hadn't been that strong. It was something smaller. I put the pants on the bed and reached down, feeling the ground under the bed until I felt it and pulled it out. I couldn't see very well, so I took the small object with me to the bathroom. When I turned on the light, I could see it clearly in the palm of my hand.

It was a wedding ring.

[sd1970x]

My Miraculous Ladybug coming out story

CW: Transphobia.

[TL;DR - I've written an MLB fanfic. That fanfic allowed my trans subconscious to express itself and eventually I took note and came out of the closet.

I have also suffered abuse in the fandom. This abuse managed to make a presumably safe-space entirely unsafe, just when I needed it the most. This is not a payback post and no names will be mentioned. I am writing this post as a plea for increased diversity and kindness in the fandom]

Hi again.

So, some of you may remember me as taking an active part in the fandom and the subreddits around 2 years ago or so. My attraction to magical girl shows was very much established years ago, but when I first caught a glimpse of my daughter watching MLB, I was hooked. I also saw a wonderful bonding opportunity which indeed lived up to its part. But there was more to come. As season 2 went into hiatus, I filled the void by starting to read fics to my daughter. Then I wrote a few shorts. Then I started writing what would later become a work that changed my life.

The original inspiration for this work was (*drumroll*) an old genderbending anime, now about a decade old. During the course of writing it, I was starting to get feedback about how 'trans' this feels and how it's rife with gender themes, which helped me reach a conclusion: "I ought to get someone to do sensitivity reading for me, lest I end up hurting someone!"

But eventually, one fateful day I admitted to myself that I'm writing something deeper and that my OC must be some form of self-insert whether I like it or not.

No more than a week after that insight, I was out of the closet.

This, in turn, ravaged my life, as it has for many trans people. I'm up on my feet again now, but it's been a rocky ride - including a divorce, social transitioning with COVID-19 at the background.

The work went into hiatus as my life changed irrevocably, but it is now finally finished.

But that's not all I wanted to talk with you about today. My perception of reality is different to the cishet one and my thinking alien to it. The MLB fandom is decidedly cishet and is driven by a cishet lovesquare. Expressions to the contrary are generally unwanted and undesired by readership, as are takes that stem from such a point of view. Narratives that espouse a straight, easy-to-digest trans narrative might be supported on the basis of that trait but eventually this is all too restrictive to the cis perception of what trans is.

A point to mull over is that perspectives of transness (in particular ones that don't align with the cis perspective) are bound to be either expressed by self-inserts and/or significant derailment of main characters, both of these expressions highly policed and denigrated in the fandom.

But that's just how life is for someone who's LGBT and trans, one cannot and should not simply fault cishet people for being what they are and liking what they like and being unable to truly connect with the trans experience.

Up until when it comes to abuse. Literal abuse which was designed to rob me of my participation in an MLB LGBT forum and has successfully achieved that goal. I have screencapped evidence of such but it will be kept private for obvious reasons.

It's all too much to be a mere coincidence. As if just being what I am has inevitably brought this about. Since coming out I have encountered a good amount of transphobia and I'm now more empowered to deal with it than the shell-shocked response I originally had when it was but a few days after coming out.

The fandom hasn't felt safe for me since and probably never will, but here's my plea to you:

Consider that your own insular cishet view might be stopping you from seeing things the way other people see them. Consider that actually supporting diversity and LGBT/trans creators might force you to adopt a thinking which isn't 'natural' for you.

Consider that any act of bullying, even if aimed at a supposedly-acceptable target, might have a lot more ramifications than you planned for.

Be extra kind, more kind than you think is appropriate. People might need it.

And last but not least, say a loud NO to bullying of any form.

[onyxium]

PRIVATE  +  HIGHLY  SELECTIVE  +  LOW  ACTIVITY  +  MATURE  ROLEPLAY  BLOG  FOR   𝑳𝑬𝑽𝑰  𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑨𝑵   FROM  ATTACK  ON  TITAN. PRIVATE ?     i will only interact & write with mutuals.     inbox  /  ims are open to anyone. SELECTIVE ?     i won’t respond to everything that’s sent my way,  & do not write threads in any particular order.     in short,  i write what inspires me. LOW  ACTIVITY ?     i have a life & plenty to do outside of tumblr.     this is my hobby!     if i’m not answering your ims or asks,  i am probably not around.

𝑵𝑶𝑻𝑬𝑺.

LEVI.     34 years old.     cis male.     captain of the survey corps’ special squad & begrudging team dad.     s tier titan slaying machine.     probably will not kiss your oc.

𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑺 .

FOLLOWING.     i am incredibly choosy about who i follow ;   please do not take any sort of offense if i don’t follow you back!     to increase the likelihood of me doing so,  please  have  your  age  clearly  visible  on  your  theme  or  in  your  rules ;    failure to do so will result in me unfollowing or passing you by.     i  do  not  follow underaged roleplayers! INTERACTING.     quickest way to interact with me is by sending memes!     if you respond to a meme that i sent using tumblr’s ask system,  i will create a new thread for it rather than reblog it directly to keep things neat & tidy.     please  TRIM  YOUR  REPLIES  as you are able! CONTAINS  NSFW  CONTENT.     triggering or otherwise.     anything that falls into this category   (  gore,  sexual content,  excessive violence,  otherwise mature themes  )   will be tagged with   ╰—; 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍.   ⋆   ( R18+. ) ;    please blacklist that tag if you are sensitive to it,  though lbr here we’re all in the snk fandom & know what we’re in for. TRIGGERS.     i do not have any triggers that you need to worry about ;    however if you need me to tag certain things that could trigger you,  please send me a message about it!

𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑫  ‘ 𝑵𝑶 ’𝑺 .

NO  BIGOTRY  /  SEXISM  /  RACISM  /  TRANSPHOBIA  /  HOMOPHOBIA /  GENERAL  DOUCHEBAGGERY  /  ETC..     just don’t be a fucker.     i think that should go without saying,  but apparently it doesn’t on tumblr dot com. NO  PERSONALS.     don’t follow or try to interact with me.     don’t like  /  reblog my roleplays or graphics.     all personals are blocked on sight,  as are any blogs that cannot be determined to be roleplay blogs. NO  ANON  HATE  OR  DRAMA.     this includes vaguing.     this  blog  does  not  send  or  participate  in  anon  hate,   burn  books,   or  anything  of  that  nature,    & i expect my followers to comport themselves in a similar manner.     if i find that you have been engaging in these behaviors or your blog contains vague posting or too much ooc complaining or drama,  i will block you. NO  KINS.     this is not a kin friendly blog.     sorry,  it makes me  very  uncomfortable. NO  GENDERBENDS.     see the above reason. NO  BLOG  POLICING.     this is  my  blog  & safe space.     boundaries are safe to draw for both parties without attempting to cancel the other for not behaving the way that is desired.     if we don’t mesh  that’s  fine!     i’m here to have a good time & release stress,  not to be bitched at by someone over a computer screen for writing something that someone doesn’t like or agree with. FANDOMS.     if your muse is an integral part of any of the following fandoms,  do  not  interact  with  me.     i am not interested in partaking in their fandom mentality & the drama that they carry or simply their content. dc comics. harry potter. hazbin hotel. helluva boss. homestuck. marvel comics  /  mcu. my little pony. on that note,  obviously do not follow me if you have attack on titan in your dni.     duh.     i don’t have the patience to constantly explain that  just  because  i  write  a  character  from  the  fandom  does  not  mean  that  i  agree  with  the  author’s  views.

𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷𝑷𝑰𝑵𝑮.

I  WILL  NEVER  HATE  ON  /  UNFOLLOW  YOU  FOR  YOUR  SHIPS. MULTISHIP.     i will not tolerate flack or jealousy. CHEMISTRY  BASED.     all ships are to be previously discussed if the muses seem to be interested in one another.     levi is decidedly  not  pro—relationship,  good  luck. SMUT.     more likely to occur than romance.     if this bothers you,  please blacklist the tag   ╰—; 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍.  ⋆  ( R18+. )  to avoid seeing it. I  SHIP  ERURI !!     rivetra is also possible.     pretty much if you aren’t erwin or petra,  don’t expect a romantic relationship to come easily,  if at all.     only other relationship that is pre—established here is levi’s bond with  FARLAN  CHURCH.

𝑪𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑰𝑻𝑺.

GRAPHICS.     psd is  crossroads  by jaynedits with some tweaks by me.     they also made my icon frame,  & i edited the faux block quotes. IMAGES.     all art herein is from the manga for  no  regrets  & various doujinshi unless otherwise noted!

𝑨𝑫𝑴𝑰𝑵 .

ARLO.     29.     MST  (  colorado  ).     aries.     hiddlestan.     proud supporter of the survey corps & team instinct & loki’s army ;    horror connoisseur of medical intrigue & a mythology nut.     enjoys superhero shenanigans,  hoarding aus,  & dark / horror content.     constantly  listens to music. FACECLAIM.     snufkin from the  moomin  franchise! SCHEDULE.     i work part time for amazon from 2—6pm sun—thurs. DISCORD.     will be selectively given out.

[curiosity-killed]

super long rambling and a fair bit of whining abt my relationship with dance AUs bc this is what my brain chose to fixate on for my whole extremely sloggish run

Because I love dance and because I love writing and because I do rather a lot of both, I pretty consistently struggle with my complete and utter block on writing dance AUs and I’ve basically realized that it comes down to a three-prong barricade that gets progressively harder to overcome as you move through it

Because part of it is just technical. Writing about dance is hard from a dancer’s perspective. I know dance, I know the mechanics of it and the sensations of it. I can walk you through the technical details of a 3-minute variation and I can tell you how my heart lifts and body fills with light the moment I step onto the stage. I can give you the nitty gritty and I can give you the grand metaphors—and I cannot for the life of me balance the lens on the middle ground.

I got asked on bumble what my favorite dance step is and immediately answered tour jete (or entrelace, depending on your school). And then, because the person wasn’t a dancer, I followed up with, “it’s a big fun jump that makes you feel like you’re flying.”

Yeah. That clears everything up.

A story cannot be made by a Big Jump That Feels Like Flying. Do you know how many steps that could cover?? Hell, how many disciplines?? A barrel leap is a big jump that can feel like flying. So is an Italian pas de chat. All three of these are  w i l d l y  different steps.

So there’s the words but—how to translate a language of precise motion and sweeping emotion into plain language accessible to people who haven’t grown up in this pidgin tongue of bad French and weird metaphors. Tombe pas de bourre glissade pas de chat contre temps—this is my language of dance. This is not only clear instruction on what steps to take but also the rhythm of it conveyed in the syllables and accents. I read this and not only see the dance across stage but feel the sway of my torso as I mark along, the flick of my wrist as I shape the steps before they’re taken, physical reminders of 17 years of training and study.

A reader reads this and their eyes glaze over and roll back in their heads.

To go the opposite way, to lay it all out in the actual physical motions is, if possible, even worse. Fall (gracefully) onto your right leg while extending your left with pointed foot to cross your left behind your right to step your right to the side to— *gasp for breath* Yeah, no.

The solution to this, in theory, is the kind of checklist I go through while performing: emotion, motion, technique. (Incidentally, this is the opposite of my checklist while rehearsing or taking class) Draw the reader in with the feel of it, move them with familiar steps, punctuate with the details. In theory. I’ve yet to make it work.

And then there’s the fact that I have had a very weird education and career in dance. I grew up dancing in the rural Midwest US—not exactly a hub of performing arts (and if you mention Joffrey, I will kindly invite you to look up “rural” and then look at Chicago). 

The vast majority of dancers in the rural midwest (...RMWUS??) go to competition schools. Think Dance Moms, high kicks and tricks on Instagram, trophies and tiaras. 

I.....went to a university.

We learned more about kinesiology than kicks. My teachers were fascinated by the way I could “jump like a boy” and didn’t once mention my waist circumference. It would be a lie to say it was all daisies and sweetcakes. We were competitive. Sometimes we were brats. We learned to push through severe physical pain and turned perfectionism to a weapon. Teachers had favorites and older girls could be downright mean.

But, having now danced at a competition studio, it was wildly different. When there were tears in the dressing room, it was because we were graduating and going far across the country from each other—not because a teacher had come in and yelled at the entire cast for 15 minutes right before the show. When auditions came around, we discussed each other’s strengths and weaknesses and together determined what we thought the best casting would be (tbc we did not have a say in casting, it was all just a thought exercise). 

We learned about dance not as an isolated thing we do but as a part of life—dance as an expression of culture, dance as a remarkable maximization of the human body—and are still always welcomed home.

I do, if I’m totally honest, think I got a better education than people at competition schools. But when it comes to writing fanfic...this is not a model of dance that is super easily accessible. Competition dance is on TV, Instagram, it’s all over. A rigorous academic approach to modern ballet...is not.

Lastly and ultimately the biggest stumbling block is: dance has always been a very gendered experience for me. My weird university education was surprisingly queer and unsurprisingly liberal, but I am a ballerina—not a danseur, not a ballet dancer. I grew up huddling under the edge of the grand piano with my friends hastily sewing pointe shoes and tingling with anticipation when we were finally old enough to wear platter tutus. I grew up pulling my hair back in tight buns and only being allowed to wear small earrings in class when I was in high school. 

There’s some crossover of course. I’ve got (as Colorado Ballet says) Mad Hops so my teacher would make me do men’s tempo jumps while the rest of the girls stood on the side and caught their breath. My partner for a pas de deux fell sick one tech week so my best friend, female, partnered me instead. 

Men can (and increasingly do) train in pointe shoes and wear tutus. Look at James B. Whiteside and Harper Watters for some of the most obvious examples. It is wonderful and remarkable to see gender roles changing in ballet and dance and that should be expressed in fiction as well. Men dance. Men do ballet and not just to hold up the women or to do big jumps. They can point their feet too, y’all.

(Here is where the whining really begins. Just so you’re warned.)

But when I sit down to write, the stories I want to tell are the stories I know—queer women growing up and training and learning together and challenging and supporting each other. The way you are taught ballet is very dependent on your gender. Men can train in pointe shoes, but that’s not the classical or traditional route. 

While my friends and I were taping our toes and grimacing about dead shanks, the guys in our cohort were in a separate class learning how to perform big jumps and turns in second. While I was cinching tight my friend’s corset-back bodice, the guys were in tights and a shirt. Again with the jumps—it wasn’t that I was a good jumper or that I was a strong jumper, it was that I jumped like a man. It was a compliment, but it was also an exception.

Meanwhile, most of my fandoms are very heavily male. The one time I attempted to write a dance AU was for VLD and I immediately ran into the baffling problem of “There are too many boys.” As someone who’s danced my whole life...this is not (usually) a problem in the real world of dance. If I write AUs about the main characters, I am writing about male dancers. Again, great! We need more positive and varied depictions of men dancing—but it’s not what I want to write.

I wrote out an entire paragraph here only to realize that the crux of the problem is actually the usual crux of my problem with gender in fanfiction and it is, quite simply: I want more well-developed female characters. Because I can write a story about side characters, but there’s so much less to go on — and sometimes, that’s where the fun comes in. Getting to play with and create a wealth of history and character for a written-off member of the cast can be really fun. But, for me at least, the delight of AUs is slipping in and twisting around canon in a new context.

If I write a wangxian ballet AU, Wei Wuxian’s demonic cultivation can be traded for his switching abruptly to a new studio—one that uses harsh methods, demands too much from him, cuts him off from the people he used to dance with—all so that the money from his tuition can be turned to help Jiang Cheng continue at his chosen academy and pursue dance professionally. It’s a stretch, it’s a twist, but it’s within a frame readers recognize.

If I write a ballet AU with Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing...well, it’s all free form. We have so little to go on that you can make it work—Cloud Recesses becomes a summer intensive, Wen Ruohan’s conquest becomes the buying out and closing of the Jiang academy for some new development—but there’s less resonance. We’re on new ground and the reader has to offer up a lot more trust and disbelief. 

Which I suppose leads us to genderbends?? Good lord. I do not know my own feelings about that enough to go anywhere. b l a r g h

so i guess this is all to say: writing good, dance good, writing dance hard. pouty face pouty face pouty face :<