#one as a final attempt at fundamentally selfish control

[hawkogurl]

Nicest comparison I’ll ever make with Norman

[mla0]

omg i feel you so hard with tht tags in the last post. vinnies my favorite character & when the finale came out a bunch of people even ones who used to like him started to post a lot of hate. in response i used to really try to soften his image & shit to make him more likable bc i thought otherwise people would be like "ew why do you like him" ITS BC HES COMPLICATED!

You get it, It's About The Complexities and moral ambiguity. There's so much to talk about with characters like that, having to balance it between "of course this character needs to be held accountable for the bad things they've done," and "of course this character is capable of change, and there is a lot of context behind what they do, however misunderstood it may be."

Vinny and Shaun are in similar departments in my mind, though I'm sure saying that might piss some people off, and I get that. In my opinion, both get brashly painted as evil when it runs a lot deeper than that, linked in lockstep with a whole lot of fear, trauma, and trying desperately to control a situation you fundamentally cannot control. One of them denies, pushes away and refuses to see the reality of the situation to the point of lashing out and hurting their family, the other was manipulated into having some kind of savior complex (?) that pushed them into getting other people hurt, in some warped attempt to save people which is very ironic and sad. This makes them do awful, fucked up shit sometimes. I don't think anyone can deny that.

But.... Having a character who is strictly good is incredibly boring to me. A great character earns their redemption, and nobody ever loses the ability to change their views, especially after life-changing events that give them a new perspective. A good character can become bad. A bad character can become good. Someone can rest in the middle and make decisions purely based on selfishness, but they could still be technically good choices. Someone can act selflessly and yet still end up destroying everything. Someone might not fit neatly into anything, and do their own shit. What category do those go into- good or bad? You can't really say, can you.

Does any of that make sense? Dunno. I feel like, for as character-driven as both everymanHYBRID and MLAndersen0 are, the characters get flattened into archetypes very quickly, which I don't personally "get." To each their own, though.

Also imagine hating Vinny couldn't be me. Like and subscribe if you're a true hybrid

[madamemidnight]

This, but also, he didn't try to "rape" her. He thought (because she'd been doing so the entire fucking time), that she was playing hard to get. When he finally understands that she's really serious and means it, he stops and feels like shit. This is the problem with relationships based in dubcon and hot/cold dynamics. The line isn't very clear for either party, until it is, usually only after it's been crossed. If Spike were actually trying to rape her he wouldn't have stopped. Rapists don't just "come to their senses" when they see how scared the victim is. They, in fact, get off on that because it's about the control and power and not sexual or physical pleasure. It always annoys me when people say he tried to rape her because he didn't immediately take no for an answer. Did he sexually assault her? Yes. Was that entirely his fault? It's a gray area in this scenario because their sex often occurred during attempts to murder one another. Resisting her attraction to him (psychologically and physically, via assaulting him), then immediately kissing him, or opening his belt, etc, had been a fundamental part of their relationship since it began.

Conditioning someone to understand that you don't really mean "No," then getting upset when you actually do, and they ignore you, is obviously going to confuse them. This is also why Buffy isn't actually upset with Spike. She's upset with herself for the reckless and contradictory way she's been behaving towards him. She knows that she fucked with his head and she feels guilty about it even though she tries to convince herself he's a monster and that that's the reason he didn't understand he was crossing a line. Truth is, she knows she's just as much to blame, if not more, because she couldn't just be honest about wanting him and turned it into a convoluted and unnecessarily complicated thing. Spike would have tried to woo her and do everything the romantic route if he thought she'd allow it. Look at how he treated Dru and that was without a soul. If he thought Buffy would let him openly and honestly love her he would have been acting very differently. He was trying to play things by her rules, but she kept changing them without being clear what they were.

I'm not one to victim blame, but in this particular scenario they are both victims because she was abusing him physically and emotionally, and using him while knowing that he was in love with her. She even tries to invalidate his feelings because she doesn't want to accept them as they would (and later do), make her feel like she's being a selfish asshole towards him. Spike knows he deserves better, but he also feels like he doesn't after all the fucked up shit he's done for the greater part of a century. He's settling for what he can get because to him it's better than having nothing and he knows she'll never love him. That's why when he survives and is revived he doesn't go and find her the way he searched the ends of the Earth for Dru every time she left him. He decides it's best if she thinks he died a hero. It's a much cleaner, nobler, and romantic ending than an eventually messy break up, and the poet would absolutely choose that route.

In summary, Spike didn't try to rape Buffy. She blurred the consent lines from day one and the second he realized she was serious and it wasn't an act he backed off and apologized. The only reason she reacted that way is because she'd been wanting an excuse to justify mistreating him to absolve her guilt and jumped on the first one, which unfortunately for him happened to be a damn good one. Buffy isn't the type to have told someone that tried to rape her that she loved them. If she actually believed that was what happened, and that he had sincerely attempted to force her, she would have staked his ass no questions and gone back to business as usual.

Everyone was reaching so hard to hate on Spike in season 7 that it spins back around and makes them look like they have no real moral compass

Xander's all "I don't care if he has a soul now, he'll always be an evil thing because he tried to rape Buffy." So did you hyena boy but everyone forgave that as soon as you became your old self again

And Giles' acting like Spike needs a chip just in case he goes evil at some point. Anyone can go evil, there were 7 seasons of nice people going evil and Giles wasn't advocating that the whole world get chipped

[morsking]

uhhhhhh to better grasp why rin is a host for both ishtar and ereshkigal and why sakura is a host for both kama and parvati you’re gonna have to read the vn since that is the only place where you will be treated to the different dimensions of both their characters and dispel any illusions and misunderstandings the ubw anime created (about rin in particular). i can explain it well but if you have the ability to, you should read the vn to really let it sink in and appreciate things more organically.

there are times in the anime where rin feels like a caricature of herself since she appears so confident and fun-loving and tsundere about it (the vn sometimes does this too but manages to balance things out a little better) that it overshadows how rin is also in her own way extremely repressed. 

rin, while fashioning herself the ruler of her own world and a competent genius is still someone shackled to her duty as the last living tohsaka heir and denies herself a more profound and fundamental happiness because she reasons so long as she is the tohsaka heir, she can never be sakura’s sister, and wrongfully believes that sakura has moved on without her and belongs with the matous oblivious to what zouken has done to sakura for almost 11 years because it’s easier to think that sakura doesn’t care about her anymore than to confront all she’s taught and has lived for for so long is wrong and that she has a chance to make it right. rin however finds ways to keep running into sakura just enough that her true desires betray her efforts at keeping her distance, and if sakura just said “you are my sister, please let’s live together again” no doubt rin would be so torn to hesitate yet so hopeful to as to want it to be real. 

rin’s apparent emotional independence and reputation is a product of her purposefully distancing herself from making any real human connections because she has no idea how to be emotionally available from years of stifling aristocratic conditioning. if she puts herself on a pedestal, it’s easier for others to not approach her and see through her facade. apart from that, as much fun as rin could possibly have by herself there is still something that will keep her from feeling truly fulfilled, and that’s the lack of opportunity (and emotional bravery) to reconcile with sakura. it’s also easier to forsake sakura and threaten to kill her when she’s out of control because acknowledging the horror of killing her own sister would break her own convictions and denounce her, and the tohsakas, as murderers and frauds. ishtar is that side of rin that finds being herself and living as the person in charge of her own existence. ereshkigal is the unhappy part of rin that yearns for more than what she’s been given but feels too guilty and too bound by responsibility to seek it out, and therefore denies herself her wish to connect with the person who would make all the difference in the world (sakura for rin, guda for eresh). 

sakura is a naturally kind, gentle, yet strong-willed individual who has experienced that which would break and utterly annihilate most at a spiritual level. sakura only survived what she did because her mental fortitude, much like shirou’s, is so exceptional she will always retain her sense of self even if pushed to the very brink of suffering. despite that, she grew up extremely bitter, depressed, and with a disposition that utterly gave up on the world that abandoned her to the point where she wished others to fail and suffer at whatever they endeavored. if her life was pointless and fruitless as to be thrown away, why shouldn’t everyone else’s be too? 

it’s really not until she met shirou that she began to change her mind and desire to have more than just numbness. a boy who just wouldn’t give up no matter how many times he couldn’t clear that jump, and accepted the outcome without regrets, second-thoughts, and self-loathing left such a deep impression on sakura that she wanted that thoughtless drive to live freely and greet tomorrow as a given to be hers as well. 

little by little the broken doll with lifeless eyes restored more and more of her inner kindness and good faith, both because she gained a will that did more than just curse, and because there was someone who showed her what a real home, a real family looked like so she’d believe in love and happiness again. but much like rin, sakura struggled to believe she deserved happiness. years of abuse crushed sakura’s self-esteem, and thought her suffering made her unlovable and unnatural. her desire to be both loved and pitied clashed against one another, and were also contradictingly one and the same. it would be easy to be pitied, that means she would’ve been right about her hatefulness all along and she can just fade away along with the pain her baggage might’ve caused others. but if she’s loved, then how will she ever make herself worthy of it? how could she ever justify to herself that she’s being given love that hasn’t been earned? and even worse, what if she’s given love that can be lost?

sakura hides all the things that risk her losing all the love she’s accumulated, a desperate selfish tactic employed by a scared girl deathly afraid to lose the only light she’s ever known. if all her anger, bitterness, cowardice, jealousy, scars, and self-hatred were exposed, what would shirou think of her? once he does find out what she’s gone through, she pushes him away. she really believes she’s done for and has nothing else to come back to. even as shirou keeps asserting he does still want her in his life, she keeps hurling all the terrible things she’s done to him and herself without him knowing: that because he’s kiritsugu’s kid she spied on him for zouken, that she used him to run away from zouken and shinji, that she tried to kill herself, that she’s not a virgin, all to get him to reject her for good while guiltily clinging to the hope that he will still choose to love her in spite, or because of all that.

even after sakura’s killed shinji by accident and transforms into dark sakura, a part of herself is weak towards shirou. a part of herself lashes out when he’s around because she’s still rejecting him hoping he’ll forsake her so he’ll live without getting hurt by her while also begging for him to see how much she’s suffering so he’ll save her, going so far at the end that she tells rin to run away with shirou, having decided to kill herself alongside the grail. rin however, sees through sakura’s attempt to earn pity, but in her own fit of duty-induced forced apathy threatens to kill sakura herself before sakura has the chance to wipe herself out (jesus, rin) rather than comfort her and tell her she wishes for her to live. rin though fails to follow through with her plan. just as she overpowers sakura, she throws away all her lies and embraces her sister, telling her how she really feels, and the very first sincere expression of love her sister has shown her in a decade is enough for sakura to stop dead in her tracks and crumble in grief until shirou arrives to save her and insist that she deserves to live so that all the suffering she both caused and experienced and all the people she devoured can be given meaning. this parallels into how kama as beast iii/L wishes to render all love obsolete by drowning the universe in love to the point where all love becomes meaningless and kama no longer has to be hurt by love, with their defeat marking a change in their beliefs about the world and themself.

parvati tells you as much that she’s taken over sakura’s good side. she’s the earnest hardworking woman who is full of benevolence and enthusiasm after her purpose has become clear. however, what parvati doesn’t understand is that sakura’s good qualities are intermixed with her darker ones and fundamentally cannot ever be truly separated, and that’s why parvati also connects with sakura’s tendency to hide the ugly things about herself out of fear she’ll be rejected, and that it’s wrong and harmful for her to do that to sakura as much (if not worse) as it is for sakura to do it for herself alongside all the people that could be affected by that dishonesty. 

apart from the obvious gross reasons, there is in fact a good justification for kama’s ascensions in fgo. their ascensions go from child to adolescent to adult to demonstrate that kama has a parallel to sakura’s personal growth. they are both individuals who, after being betrayed by their own kind (the gods and the tohsakas) and having their bodies destroyed (kama becoming the cosmos, sakura being devoured by crest worms and having her dna rewritten), have lost faith in who they were before and the world around them. kama starts out in sakura’s child body: the young girl who was sacrificed for a greater purpose and whose heart has been filled with depression, cynicism, and hatred for the world around her. their childish disposition however, marks that kama has truly been reborn and is going through the process of recreating their identity after it was shattered by trauma. 

when kama is in sakura’s adolescent form, that signals that much like sakura around that age, they still cling to some anger and bitterness, but have begun to ease into forming new connections and their desire to be identified with love becomes complicated as it is both heavily resisted yet profoundly wanted. it is kama at their peak self-loathing, directing hatred to themself as much as their child form did to everyone else.

when kama shifts into sakura’s final adult form, it marks the period where they both have had some of their faith renewed in their existence. while it is still very difficult for them to truly know what love is and whether or not they’ve earned it, they nonetheless make it clear they want to believe in it again with the help of the person they’ve placed their trust upon (shirou for sakura, guda for kama). as the god of love, for kama to learn what love is is for kama to once more understand what it is to love themself again, and like sakura at the end of heaven’s feel finish constructing their brand new identity and move forward in a way that their happiness and reforged self-confidence can dignify their suffering and make up for all the damage they caused others and themselves.

this isn’t to say that pseudos as a concept are inherently good or anything. they are still very flawed because when mishandled for fanservice (and it happens a LOT) they do far more to displease both fans of the mythological figures and fans of the original fate/stay night characters simultaneously than to appease them both by robbing all characters involved of their complexities. regardless, that doesn’t mean that these gods wearing the faces of these girls is entirely pointless, lazy, and thoughtless. on the contrary, these girls were chosen because of all the different facets they have that match their possessors’ demeanors and themes, and i hope that this knowledge can help people see the connection with more clarity.

[sepublic]

The Third Temple!

           SASHA you’re so DUMB, dang it! WHY would you?! WHY?!

           Sasha, you really ARE brute force, in spite of your seemingly more subtle, nuanced, and manipulative strategies on the surface… Superficially you think things through, you have plans and rely on Honey over Vinegar… But fundamentally, I think it’s clear that Sasha is someone who gets by through brute force, in the sense that she blindly throws her power around, instead of genuinely conceding to diplomacy and whatnot. And, this plays into her Persistence, and never giving up, as we see against those two bullies in the flashback…

           Also, lemme just say- The dehydrated bit for the Amphibians was hilarious and also a clever way to isolate the conflict to just the humans, and THEN just Anne and Sasha- Because alas, Marcy’s weak nerd arms…!

           Seriously though, seeing how Grime lowkey lays the pressure, I like how it displays that they’re both… Toxic and enabling to one another, even if supportive, and it’s not like just ONE is in charge or whatever. Sasha having to choose between Anne and Marcy, and Grime, is interesting; To her, Grime is someone who stuck with her through thick and thin, at her lowest point… He’s someone who’s not afraid of her power, but even actively encourages her, supports Sasha’s ruthlessness! In some ways, it seems he’s more supportive and understands Sasha better than her old friends…

           And, I have to think that Sasha wasn’t totally lying back there. That a part of her DID in fact feel remorse, or at least understand that she messed up… But it also means that she’s burnt that bridge permanently on her own end, or she’s trying to- Because she thinks that it’s too late, she’s just going to mess things up AGAIN anyway, because Anne and Marcy can’t handle the kind of person she is. So, Sasha is sticking with Grime… But again, Sasha has to wonder if Anne and Marcy have a point, and that’s something Grime doesn’t realize…. But then again, why WOULD he bring up Sasha’s flaws, in the midst of his own rebellion, which IS important to him!

           I think Sasha and Grime being a lot alike could make her realize what kind of impact she has on others, by realizing how she feels about Grime; And how Grime might realize the same vice-versa. In Grime’s case, he very much NEEDS to be ruthless in order to survive, in order to carry out his Toad Rebellion… And, he’s not completely wrong for it, either!

           For all we know, Sasha apologizing, and manipulating Anne and Marcy, isn’t totally mutually exclusive; Maybe she DID take Percy and Braddock a little bit to heart, in the sense that… She does care, but she also realizes that Andrias is pretty sus, and that they NEED to do something about him. To Sasha, she really is looking out for them by getting rid of Andrias… But how much of her is motivated by genuine suspicion of him, or just her own ulterior motives of getting back power and control?

           This could lead to a confrontation where Sasha NEEDS to be listened and heard out, because a part of her IS right about Andrias… But because of her own lies and treachery, Anne rightfully doesn’t trust her- And it’s complicated because in some ways, Sasha IS operating more from being selfish than doing the right thing, even if it’s ultimately siding with Sasha that is the right choice here. This could spur on Anne to side with Marcy and Andrias, perhaps help the Newt King in whatever he has planned… Or, it could lead to Anne realizing the Newts aren’t trustworthy as well, breaking those bridges!

           With what we see in the intro with Marcy, for all we know we’re being expected to think of Sasha as the betrayal, but it’s MARCY who screws things over! She did mention about how she wanted to bring the Calamity Box to Andrias first, so I imagine this has something to do with her deal… Perhaps Andrias will use the power in the Box, safely contained instead of in the girls, to help bring his master to power? Now I’m imagining a Breath of the Wild scenario, where ‘The Night’ rises to power like Calamity Ganon, engulfing Newtopia- This is of course more tragic because we got to KNOW Newtopia and its people…

           But even worse- Its power spreads out and it uses the Calamity Box power to revive the ancient machines of Amphibia, possibly even corrupting Frobo in particular- Just like Ganon with the Guardians! If Season 3 is Toad-themed, this could lead to Sasha and her rebellion teaming up with Anne and the others to regroup and defeat the Night… And as for Marcy, perhaps she’ll play the role of Princess Zelda; She’ll realize her mistakes, and pull some sort of sacrifice to keep the Night contained temporarily… Or even worse, Andrias will manipulate her into staying with them!

           Perhaps Marcy knows the truth about the gems draining power, that they’re needed to travel home; So Andrias proposed to have the power safely drained by the temples, and handed over to him, so that the girls could stay in Amphibia together, forever, never losing that fantasy of theirs… Who knows?

           I will say that it’s telling that Marcy, of course with the excuse of no Toad Tower incident, is immediately quick to fall into line with Sasha, and how this could play into her character being more generally gullible, possibly willfully so, because her default is to follow whoever’s in charge blindly… Ironic, then; Marcy is smart but not wise, Sasha is powerful but too weak to do the right thing and show vulnerability, and Anne is brave, but often held back by insecurities and doubt! These girls are their own antithesis!

           And Sasha… She needs to have the self-belief in herself, the way Anne and Marcy do- To actually do the right thing, to grow as a person. To not resign herself to who she is now, and even worse, because she believes in her own ability to improve and be better than that… Sasha needs to not let down Anne and Marcy’s trust, to make good on why it was given in the first place! Pay back their good faith in her, be the hero and leader they believe her to be!

           …Anyhow, I like Frobo’s brief involvement here- I’m glad to see he got to do more, and the gags with the dehydration, how I THOUGHT Grime’s arms seemed a bit skinnier than usual, were great! I like to see more of Frobo becoming more integrated into the family and cast, and I’d like to see how he, Sasha, and Grime would interact; Him being a powerful automaton might create some interest, perhaps in weaponizing and reactivating the Ruins of Despair… And of course, it’d complicate things for them to pull a full betrayal, considering Frobo’s power- Perhaps he’ll help against people like Yunnan, maybe even do a heroic sacrifice to help the others escape Newtopia, only to be destroyed or corrupted?

           I love how painfully direct the Third Temple was, how it’s really just about brute, raw strength- But making good on that strength to keep going, too! The gravity bit and Sasha removing her armor was classic anime characters with absurd weights, and I suspect that giant Toad golem is actually none other than the previous Toad we saw with Andrias… And, possibly Barrel himself! The golem conceding defeat with good sportsmanship probably gives us a good idea of what Barrel was like- Probably a much more boisterous, heart-on-your-sleeve individual…. Arguably way less toxic and manipulative than Sasha, perhaps the most traditional hero of the trio!

           Funny, then, that the trio first had the Wit be toxic… And now Strength… AND Wit, perhaps? We’ll see… Either way, I now suspect that Barrel talks the same way as the messages in the Third Temple!

           We’re in the final stretch, you guys… Nothing but pure plot and development, Sasha and Grime and the others, attempted reconciliation. If we saw Anne and the family try to say goodbye at Newtopia, this is going to take on a WHOLE new level, because Anne is going to think she’s really about to leave, for REAL this time; And this means teary farewells with all of Wartwood, and likely a montage and episode even MORE painful than our mid-point for this show! My heart isn’t ready… In addition to probably cute antics among the human girls, underscored by the darkness of what we KNOW is to come, no less!

  ��        Until next time, F-Anne’s… We’re about to enter the calm, BEFORE the Storm!

[azenta]

I don't really trust Fe descriptions from most bloggers, because they are Fi users and its shows. Is tertiary Fe considerably different from inferior or is it a situation were what matters is that it's low?

Tbh, any function when placed in tertiary vs inferior, or dominant vs auxiliary, auxiliary vs tert, and so on, will make a considerable difference. So, it is not simply a matter of being low or high, it is rather a matter of being tert vs inf, in this case.

As a general rule, the tertiary function is usually adored by the person, to a point where the phenomenon of loops happen, but we are not so great at it. Also, we tend to get delusional about the tertiary, about how good and in control of it we are. While with the inferior, we dont much appreciate it, or at least push it away without a second thought, and we also suck at it. Grips happen when we feel screwed hard time and we are into auto-destruct mode, while loops happen because of egotistic reasons, to maintain our delusions of self as a poor attempt to protect the self (mainly dominant function). This is why inferior function means last resort and very poor results, and tertiary function means ego boosting with an unreasonable evaluation of it. Therefore, ExTPs and IxTPs really dont share the same view nor do use their Fe the same way, which leads to quite some differences.

ExTPs are renown for being ass because they get overconfident over their Fe. They get amazed by it, but use it poorly. At average to low health/development, tert Fe is a tool to satiate their Pe, so to pick on possibilities and feed their need to have as much possibilities as desired. Thus why it is described as inconsiderate, because it is used for ego purposes (the dominant). When healthier and more developed, they use it much more carefully and actually become considerate but in their own fashion, so more as dedicated perceiver of the multiple factors affecting people involved.

On the other hand, IxTPs do not care about Fe and try the least possible to use it. Or, as any type, they think they do not care, but it is fundamentally any type's weak spot. Fe is their last concern, they incorparate its judgement only when they feel they have explored the most potent possibilities and made sense of them. Then, they incorporate how that fall into an ethical perspective, however they dont necessarily budge their Ti over Fe's conclusions, at least when average to low health/development. They constate their opinions of the world fall in this particular good or right greater category and just wing it. Therefore, it makes them much more aloof and apathetic than ExTPs that willingly exploit ethical rules to bring out more possibilities. In other words, ExTPs playfully follow or use those ethical rules, as they gain something from it, while IxTPs rather feel restrained from it. ExTPs will incorporate some Fe into their Ti framework, they perceive it as rather important to have some of those rules in mind, but IxTPs will judge it as an after thought to deal with, until they further develop their auxiliary and mature up a bit, which will finally make them more cautious and considerate.

Tho, i'd make a nuance and say we still unconsciously care and incorporate the inferior into our dominant, but we tend to use it as an egotistic justification of our dominant sometimes just to show "i know this shitty inf thing is a thing and i swear i took it into account!", even tho it was distorted to serve the dominant. IxTPs like to moralize people with Fe and pointing out how the other person is "worse" than they are for some random ethical reasons, just so their Ti looks even more logical. But contrary to ExTPs, it is not to actually consider the other, but rather to enhance their own Ti PoV. Even tho, arguably, ExTPs are considerate until it doesnt serve them anymore, then their selfishness surface up when immature.

If you want a reminder of what Fe is, it is a general judgement made through a learned set of ethical rules and morals, independent of what the individuals care about or value. Ti is the function in Fe/Ti type that reflect the personal principles the individual abide to. Therefore, Fe type tend to act on stuff "by ethical principal" and not always because they "truly care about". xxTPs are much more transparent about their caringness, they are known to be inconsiderate because they value their own principles and truth over how ethical or good it is for other people, however it makes them more truthful about how they really care. While it is true xxFJs might act as caring out of principle but might feel totally in contradiction with this action. Thus their reputation for being the teenage bratty bitch. Their low Ti think otherwise, but their high Fe (x Pi) tells them how the impact could be devastating and undesirable, therefore they rather be "nice" or at least twist what they are going to say so it is considerate. It has the beneficial to care for the other's sake, but at the price of the high Fe's true feeling sometimes. High Ti are much more brutal because of how they actually let their real thought out, but they lack tact (especially IxTPs) in how to present their truth. One sugercoats too much to the point of loosing some of their truth, while the other should put some sprinkles so people are receptive to them.

I hope it is detailed enough for you, if not you can ask for precision and i'll see what i can add.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@otumbalt

The message you sent was fanmail, I think! And as such, I couldn’t reply directly (tumblr confuses me sometimes and I couldn’t find a reply button. If y’all know better pls do let me know if I need to put my clown shoes on LMAO). Thank you for the kind words though!! I really appreciate it, and I’m looking forward to more complexity from Cybird, too! 

That being said, I did want to touch on something you said because I’m still drowning in my feels and languishing. “the push and pull between comte’s rationality and his desire to love and be loved was something that I really enjoyed from his route” you. you get it. There’s nothing I love more than a man that’s self-aware, and it’s such a rare treat when it comes to fiction, at least in my experience. 

Some spoilers for his MS beneath the cut to explain why this resonated so deeply with me, so no touchy if you’re waiting to read on your own! c:

Because that’s exactly it. At first he is 100% just trying to help her get situated. He’s being rational. Sure, he’s excited to have a guest--he likes meeting new people in general, learning what he can from them (can you feel my uwus). But it’s only when she debuts that he begins to realize that this isn’t just enjoying her company. He finds her dazzling, far beyond what constitutes friendly curiosity. If that sounds too convenient, I can confirm that he takes her to the venue of her debut, dressed in clothes he picked out (which he emphasizes is something that greatly pleases him, looks wonderful on her). And he begins to wonder if this is what it feels like to have a daughter, to look on with earnest fondness and want only the best for her.

But the sugar daddy act ends REAL quick.

There is an attending nobleman that comments on how lovely she is, insinuates a kind of desire to know if she’s single or not with his attraction. And he suddenly becomes quite incensed by that comment, feels genuine irritation. Combined with that is the moment in which MC becomes a little nervous, says that she’s unsure if she’s really worthy of this kind of attention. Comte, in his POV story, is shocked to hear that she’s anxious. She powered through lessons on decorum and dancing, never once complained about his days-long fussing. And he realizes that it’s not because she didn’t feel any discomfort, but because she chose to be strong--chose to keep trying. This is the moment in which he realizes that he cares for her deeply, and that she doesn’t see herself clearly. She’s beautiful in the conventional sense, absolutely--but it’s more than that for him. She’s beautiful because she’s always doing her best, always cares about the people around her enough to try to power through. And that’s what the people around her were truly responding to. Anybody can get dolled up, but to be admired or loved usually requires more substance.

And so he tells her that, caught in the moment of realization. “You’re beautiful...” And she replies that it’s all thanks to the attire he got her, the jewelry gleaming from every part of her. But he falters--tries to clarify, before the opportunity is lost and dies in his throat. 

That was only the first step in his long and exponential descent into love for her. The thing that’s so moving about Comte is that he tries so very hard to contextualize with the knowledge he has. Remember, he keeps telling himself, she’s from the future. She has a place to return to. No matter how curious, no matter how attracted, he was never meant to enter that picture. They were two of a very different kind, irreconcilable in that regard too. Tainting her with his selfishness, with that desire for companionship that’s always been such a difficult obstacle for him, isn’t her responsibility. It’s his. He needed to put her first. And he had every intention to.

Until she saw the wavering parts of him, the fragile ones that only come out in glances--beyond his control, beyond his good sense. And she handled his worries with such care, such compassion that it strikes him to the very core. There’s a good number of chapters where he’s trying and utterly failing to stop her from doting on him, falls into her little gestures of kindness, of attention. 

It takes Leonardo to stop and say that his attempts are pathetic. That it couldn’t be clearer that le Comte is hopelessly in love with her. His indictment forces Comte to backtrack, forces him to try and cut her off entirely. He’s mortified at himself, at his failing self-control. Four hundred years and he can’t manage to stop instigating feelings between himself and one woman in the space of one month? And more than anything, he truly is under the operating assumption that this is in her best interest; that he must stop if this if it is to end in anything other than tragedy. For him, it the ultimate culmination of his own failure to take responsibility, exercise foresight, and consider her feelings.

Needless to say, none of this goes to plan in the end. 

Now, I’d like to clarify something. MC, this whole time, doesn’t really find any fault with all of that. She thinks it’s nice to see him let down his guard, doesn’t mind comforting him when he confides in her now and again. She just sees the man that chose to care about her first, and fell in love with his conscientious concern for people. She doesn’t see his vulnerability as a shortcoming, the way that he does. And that’s where the tension arises. Because Comte is literally staring at his hands internally screaming at himself, while MC is like “you know if we made out, that would be awesome. Can’t believe I might become the foster mom to nine weird genius vampires, but you never know what life brings amirite”

In that way, the route is almost funny, but mostly sad, in how ridiculously inaccurate Comte’s self-perception is. He thinks that asking for help, asking to be cared for, is fundamentally a breach of conduct. Not just...being a person that needs support from time to time?? (He does me a big concern ;-;)

Regardless, and maybe it’s just me, but there’s just something so moving about seeing him so affected? He truly does everything in his power to prove that he is unworthy, does everything in his power to believe that he’s unworthy. But MC won’t be swayed, no matter how scary or difficult things get--no matter how great the gulf of time or life is between them. No matter how many times being with him might result in her being threatened, she doesn’t care. Sure it’s scary, but she doesn’t deem it enough to divide them. She tried to distance herself “for own good” too, following his lead, and it just didn’t work for either of them.

Would you all like to know what it is that gets him to finally acquiesce? What it is that makes him raise the white flag, any defensiveness gone, only endless love and trust taking its place? The second where his desire to love and be loved wins out, all rationality scrapped?

They discuss the events of Vlad’s abduction, and Comte levels with her. Says that if what happened is enough to destroy whatever attraction for him that she had felt, he wouldn’t judge her. She was still more than free to go home, to live her life. When she protests, he pulls his trump card. He gets very serious, looks her in the eye, and asks what she thinks about turning. If he were to pose the question, what would be her response?

And MC, bless her heart, says that she hasn’t decided, because that is something for them to decide together. She certainly won’t force him to do it, but she wants to know what he feels about it before coming to any kind of concrete decision--or even temporary one. Because that’s the whole point. That’s what it means to be in love with someone. It means having someone by your side, someone that’s there to listen and put you first--just as they should be putting you first, too. It means that any course of action is made hand-in-hand, that we check in with each other first; that we hear and help each other out, no matter how confused or paralyzed or exhausted. That’s what makes Comte start laughing with relieved delight, any hesitations gone. That’s when their relationship is solidified, when Comte chooses to devote himself--no matter what hardships the future brings--to her. Because for the first time in his life, he knows he will never have to carry anything all alone anymore, and he is at ease. 

In short, thanks Cybird I’m sobbing now and forever for one gold pixelated man pls don’t look at me

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

Did MJ try to make Spidey retire?

Short answer: Never when she was in character and never unjustifiably!

The number of times I’ve heard people claim this is unbelievable. I’m going to settle this shit once and for all. Feel free to share this with anyone making these claims.

The simplest way to do this would be to run through things chronologically.

Unless anybody can bring up other examples, off the top of my head I can recall only three times before ‘One More Day’ where MJ floated the idea of Peter retiring.

The first time was in ASM #283. However the important context of this is that Peter himself  has already resolved to quit as soon as he is done with his latest case involving his friend Flash Thompson.

However further important context is that Peter has resolved to retire even earlier in ASM #275 and in that issue it was MJ (after learning his origin story) who encouraged him to NOT quit.

An issue later she was back to being against his work as Spider-Man.

However, many issues around this era (which was before  they got married!) depict MJ flip-flopping on her feelings and the reasons why boil down to her being concerned for Peter’s safety.

At which point why is MJ being out of order in desiring him to  retire? She loves this man and doesn’t want him to be hurt but also understands why he does what he does and it’s that fundamental heroism that is a major reason for why she loves him. This is again summed up in Web of Spider-Man #6.

Next up we have an example of when MJ didn’t  ask Peter to quit. But people always treat it as though she did so we’re going to address it anyway.

It stems from the clusterfuck that was ‘Maximum Carnage’.

Let’s give you that all-important context.

In Spider-Man Unlimited #1 Pete and MJ are attending Harry Osborn’s funeral. Harry died in chronologically the story right before ‘Maximum Carnage’ so this is a very fresh wound; he died merely days earlier.

Prior to his death, Harry had been waging months of psychological warfare on the Parkers and even tried to kill Peter. His attempt actually almost killed MJ and his own son Normie. During this whole time Harry’s wife (now widow) Liz Allan had been pushed to her wits end too.

As a result Mary Jane is reluctant to talk to Liz.

Also, for months now (starting with Carnage’s debut actually) MJ had taken up smoking to cope with the stress of their lives, chiefly her concern for Peter’s well-being. This topic and her behaviour at the funeral gets raised when they return home.

The talk zeroes in on the risks to Peter’s life and how he and MJ got lucky with Harry. MJ asks Peter to take a break for a week or two.

Not retire permanently.

Not take an indefinite hiatus.

Not even take a break for a month or definitely two weeks.

She literally asks for 7-14 Spider-Man free days so they can de-stress and catch their breaths in the wake of a serious crisis and loss.

Peter promises he will.

Unfortunately Carnage has just broken free of the authorities and formed a gang.

For the sake of argument let’s say MJ doesn’t know much about Carnage’s cronies. She just knows he has back up.

However, she absolutely knows about Carnage.

As his name implies, is an incredibly lethal foe. You know Venom, that guy who’s famous for being a bigger badder version of Spider-Man? Yeah Carnage is an even more powerful version of that  guy. Spider-Man one-on-one is physically incapable to defeating him and had to team up with Venom to do it. Even then they actually weren’t strong enough to beat him physically because Carnage is stronger than the pair of them combined!

Making matters worse Carnage’s whole body is extremely durable to injury, with blunt force not being the most effective way of fighting him. His forte is being able to quickly generate a large arsenal of sharp edged weapons from his body; think the T-1000.

This skillset is appropriate given how Carnage prior to obtaining any of these super powers was already a highly violent and sadistic serial killer who killed purely for the pleasure of it. How violent and sadistic? 11 life sentences merely for hi known  crimes. That’s how violent and sadistic. And again, this was when he was just a normal guy.

Oh, and on top of all that he doesn’t trigger Peter’s Spider Sense, making him immeasurably more vulnerable to an already overwhelming powerful foe.

He is possibly the single most physically dangerous Spider-Man villain of all!

This isn’t idle little trivia about the character by the way. It is key to his whole concept and was laid out explicitly in his original appearance. In fact, in that first appearance he was so powerful that Peter was helpless and forced to team up with Venom, who lived to kill him!

Even when backed up by Cloak and Dagger, Spider-Man’s ribs take a pounding from Carnage, Shriek and Doppelganger. It is in this injured state he returns home to a concerned and naturally  upset Mary Jane.

She then begins an argument with Peter when he tells her he plans on going back out there.

Let’s sum up so far.

MJ has been stressed for months prior to this to the point where she’s started smoking.

Peter and her nearly died mere days ago because their friend went psycho.

Said friend died in front of them.

Their other friend, his wife (who MJ was naturally going to relate more to since they were both the wives of costumes folks) is now a grieving widow.

MJ’s husband promised her he’d take a break for a little while so they can recover a bit.

Her husband then almost immediately went back on that promise.

His risking his life again against a bad guy who’s all but guaranteed to kill him if he fights him alone.

Last time MJ’s husband beat this guy he did it with the help of a powerful nasty piece of work who wanted to kill him. Even then they only just won. That’s how dangerous Carnage is.

This time Peter is fighting him alone, whilst injured, and Carnage has two  people backing him up.

So if it wasn’t a guarantee that Peter was dead meat before, now she might as well get ahead by planning the funeral.

THAT is the context behind MJ’s rage and desire for Peter to not be Spider-Man temporarily  in this story.

However, noticeably by the end of the story she’s changed her mind!

We then jump forward to the ‘Clone Saga’, specifically a mini-series called Spider-Man: the Final Adventure.

The context behind this story was that Peter, upon believing he was a clone and that Ben Reilly was in truth the original Peter Parker, had decided to retire and support a pregnant Mary Jane.

To this end they had both left New York but due to a lab experiment involving Peter’s blood a serial killer had mutated into a spiderlike monster. With no other heroes around Peter suits up again as Spider-Man to the dismay of the heavily pregnant Mary Jane who wants him to NOT do that.

Is this MJ being not as understanding as she could be, maybe even selfish to some degree?

Sure.

Is it also Peter being in the wrong too?

Also yes, the story brilliantly points that out.

But more significantly prior to this story the Parkers had been through Hell.

In less than a year (in-universe):

Peter’s robot parents had turned up pretending to be the genuine articles

They’d betrayed Peter, breaking his heart

Their close friend Harry Osborn had gone mad

Harry and used his knowledge of Peter’s identity to torment the Parkers

Aunt May had gone into a coma

Peter had suffered a mental breakdown

Ben Reilly and other clones had shown up (including clones of Pter’s murdered lover Gwen Stacy)

Aunt May has passed away

Peter was framed for murder

MJ had been targeted for abduction more than once

They’d discovered MJ was pregnant and that the baby might have serious health issues due to Peter’s mutated DNA

Peter was revealed as a clone and had a second mental breakdown

During his mental distress Peter had accidentally smacked MJ across the room

The Jackal had nearly killed everyone on the planet

The Jackal mind controlled Peter into trying to murder MJ

MJ had nearly died due to complications with the pregnancy

That isn’t even everything but all that stuff had been happening across the previous three years of publication alone. And as I said in-universe it was less than a year.

So MJ and Peter had been through a LOT of horrible and stressful things that had put them both on the edge and sometimes over it. Most of that stuff was connected to Peter’s life as Spider-Man that MJ always had mixed feelings about at best. And now after Peter FINALLY retired and their lives were blissfully normal, allowing them to catch their breaths and do some much needed healing, Peter is coming out of retirement…When it isn’t 100% necessary for him to do so.

And all this is happening during MJ’s second or third trimester when she is very obviously heavily pregnant. This often can be a stressful time for pregnant people generally and of course sometimes mood swings occur due to hormones firing all over the place. And MJ is dealing with super powered spider hormones on top of all this. With a baby that is a total lottery because nobody on Earth has ever been pregnant with a half human/half spider powered baby before.

Given that she is dealing with ALL that is it really unreasonable for her to desire for Peter to simply continue to be retired.

She isn’t demanding he give up being a hero.

She is angry and demanding that Peter CONTINUE the choice he already made about giving up.

Which is not the same thing and she was okay with him going back into the hero game after he pregnancy concluded.

Finally we come to the Howard Macke/John Byrne run on Spider-Man where MJ again desired Peter’s retirement.

Here is the thing, MJ once again was desiring Peter STAY retired as opposed to demanding he outright quit.

Moreover the Mackie/Byrne era was a period where MJ, Peter and other characters were often written incredibly out of character practically systemically. For example Flash Thompson behind Peter’s back literally made fun of the fact that his girlfriend Gwen Stacy and his wife Mary Jane were dead (at the time MJ’s death was faked by a stalker).

Peter and MJ were actually written in this reductive way back during this run as part of an editorial policy to break up the marriage.

The thinking at the time was to make their relationship unlikable in order to make people glad for when they got rid of it via killing off Mary Jane and leaving Peter single.

So essentially not only was MJ and Peter out of character back during this era but they were literally being sabotaged so readers would hate them.

Between that and how OOC (out of character) the characterizations were back then this by rights should simply not count in any analysis of the characters.

Now, there have been instanced post-OMD of MJ clearly wanting, asking, demanding, etc. for Peter to quit.

But as with the Mackie/Byrne era (or Black Cat from 2009-2018) these are out of character and should not truly count.

So when written in character and when there are not extenuating circumstances (like pregnancies) involved, Mary Jane would actually not ask Peter to quit and never truly has.

[honeymoonjin]

day 14

This chapter was such a cathartic experience for me that I wrote book report for it. I have little else to offer at your altar of magic aside from my undying gratitude for your continued hard work and utter awe of your literary prowess. Please enjoy my attempt at articulating the emotions you have managed to evoke in me with this chapter. Thank you once again! 💜 Jan

Set to Self Destruct: An analysis of Sora’s Day 14 of “The Gentlemen”

Every genre brings with it a set of expectations that shapes the kinds of stories it can tell and the themes it can explore. “The Gentlemen” is entirely shot from one specific location, with its participants prohibited from leaving the premises of the villa (with the allowance only for Y/N and the fan favorite winner of that week to leave for a one night date). This restriction creates a scenario where 1) at first the occupants fall into an unspoken, almost idyllic community and 2) inevitably the conflicts that arise as a consequence of a Utopian society. With the added pressures of a competition, an environment that fosters moments of high emotional tension, physical and emotional intimacy, and 8 very different personalities, it feels as if the show was doomed for dissonance right from the start. It should be no surprise that the rather straightforward, raunchy reality show devolves so quickly into a “bottle episode” filled to the brim with an emotionally charged battle of whose tongue is the sharpest. On the surface, “The Gentlemen” is a story about a single female protagonist judging the sexual abilities of seven random men but this premise and the setting with which the story plays out on, serves to explore the deeper ideas of one’s role in the balance of social harmony verses the human tendency towards self destruction. 

The setting of a story can be a powerful tool in expressing a character’s journey. “Bottle episodes” have often been used for dramatic effect in visual storytelling, with the limited setting and cast allowing for a slower pace and deeper exploration of character traits and motives. Having the entirety of “The Gentlemen” be one long drawn out “bottle episode” allows for the audience to experience a slow-burn like intensity of those personalities. It takes the fundamental process of how a group stuck in a certain location together for an extended period of time inadvertently falls into certain social constructs in order to reach an equilibrium of cohesion. The roles which each occupant of the villa naturally fell into set a precedent for many of the events that followed on the show, most obvious being Y/N as the “queen bee” (the one who holds the most power in the group), Seokjin as the designated “counselor” (the one who is expected to help his fellow competitors when an emotional issue arises), and Yoongi as the “mediator” (the one who is the voice of reason and rationale when tensions run high). And yet it is revealed that there is a price for that harmony, for even roles that are not as explicit begin to weigh heavy as the days wane on. The cohesion of these roles were meant to serve as cogs that fit together to uphold a sense of teamwork in an otherwise tension filled living quarters. But people are not cogs and emotions are not gears to be compartmentalized into neat roles to serve the higher purpose of the show. And as occupants spend more time with one another, natural biases, feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, envy, and pride start to surface under the umbrella of selfish acts, we begin to see that fine balance corrode the fragile peace. 

The road to self destruction has begun in earnest.   

It all comes to a head at the 2 week mark of the show’s timeline. At this point, tensions have been running high: from revelation of Namjoon’s and Seokjin’s romantic feelings for Y/N, to Jimin and Hoseok’s long running rivalry, to Y/N, Jimin, and Taehyung creating a polyamorous relationship in secret, to Jungkook feeling like the odd man out. The pressures of the show were eventually bound to break someone’s resolve and we see that personified in Jungkook in this episode. After speaking with Seokjin about his warring feelings towards certain members of the group and his desires to act on his frustrations regarding the restrictive parameters of the show, Jungkook was able to unload some of the pent up tension he had been carrying around for the last few days. The audience is then lulled into a false sense of security that the equilibrium of the group has been restored when in actuality, it was a red herring that something drastic was about to unfold. At first glance, the guidance that Seokjin offers Jungkook feels like a band-aid on a bleeding artery when in actuality it was more akin to Seokjin inadvertently stepping on a landmine he believes he has already defused. And his misstep triggers the entire villa to fall victim to the explosion. 

In the climatic scene of the episode, Jungkook’s pent up emotions rears its ugly head in the form of harsh words, tactless criticism, irreparably broken trust, and even fists thrown. His actions turn from verbal assaults to physical ones and the damage seems to fissure out towards the entire group. The destruction is absolute; no one is left unscathed. Why is this scene so effective? Its power is not from the dramatic way Jungkook punches Jimin for calling him out on his childish behavior or the out of character way Hoseok tries to break up the fight only to be elbowed in the face by Jimin nor is it in the heartbreaking way those that are left behind in the villa are tasked with the self imposed responsibility to pick up the literal pieces of their tenuous friendship. It is in the fact that the audience understands the self destructive actions of the characters and perhaps to some degree relate to it on a very human level. We understand that Seokjin wanted to talk through the problems with the group because he didn’t want to shoulder all of the burden himself anymore. We understand that Hoseok acts the way he does because he uses it as a defense mechanism to protect himself. We understand why Sejin did not step in earlier when he was asked to by Yoongi and why Yoongi is bitter about it as a direct result of Sejin’s choice to abstain from deescalating the fight before it got out of control. We understand that Jimin and Jungkook clashed with each other so viscerally because they see themselves in each other and it’s a jagged pill to swallow when presented with a mirror of all of the ugly sides of ourselves we think we do such a great job of hiding. Perhaps exaggerated for a more dramatic effect, but at the core of these interactions, we see the flaws that we carry as human beings and are forced to face the unpleasant feelings that it elicits in each of us. We understand because we can empathize with their struggles. 

How does a community attempt to repair itself when its very foundation is practically razed to the ground? Perhaps there is an argument to be made about a complete dismantling of a previous establishment. The audience can view this inevitable clash as a “controlled burn”. In terms of forest management, a “controlled burn” is a fire set intentionally for purposes of farming, prairie restoration or greenhouse gas abatement. These “controlled burning” is conducted during the cooler months to reduce fuel buildup and decrease the likelihood of serious hotter fires. In the same way fires are a part of a forest’s life cycle, the clash that occurred on day 14 might serve as a way for the characters to start fresh, with hopes of emotional maturity and foresight for rebuilding relationships moving forward in the competition. 

The damage done during day 14 of “The Gentlemen” may arguably be irreversible, perhaps even amplified by the uncertain nature of the show, but challenges were inevitable with a setting like this one. And yet, there are seeds of hope scattered among the debris. In John Yorke’s “Into the Woods: a five act journey into story” he writes “…story matches psychological theory: characters are taken on a journey to acknowledge and assimilate the traumas in their past… By confronting and coming to terms with the cause of their traumas they can finally move on.” Day 14 revealed a lot of stances, opinions, and confessions that were previously kept secret due to the need to preserve the harmonious nature of the greater good, “the community”. But human nature does not allow for peace to reign for long; it yearns balance. Thus dissonance created discourse. Yet from strife there is revelation. From the ashes of fiery emotions, there is a chance at peace anew: either reestablish order or embrace the chaos. Yet most likely it’ll come down to a melding of the two in order to find the balance a community craves whilst also giving into the character’s more baser human desire for self ruin. 

-------

jan i literally can’t stop crying thank you so much. there’s no way for me to put into words the feeling of someone caring so much about the story and even about one particular chapter that they’ve written such an articulate and profound ESSAY on it like,,,, i have no idea what i’ve done to deserve this, because writing this story is just this little passion project that i’m fostering with my brainstorming group and with the readers. it feels like a collaborative effort and so i never really saw it as anything more than just the fun gimmick of an interactive fic in a crazy situation. 

you see things in my story that even i don’t see, make it sound beautiful when i worried it was awkward, and i can’t thank you enough for that. and when you brought up Into the Woods i LOST it, i adore that book and hearing someone quote a masterwork like that when referring to my fanfiction? it’s so absurd but so special all at once. 

i’ve never really considered becoming an actual author because the pressure of money and income relying on it seems scary to me (even commissions stress me out) so i’m eternally grateful to you for always making me feel like this is something professional. getting a glimpse into that life by you writing an analysis on d14 is just.... i really can’t describe how special it is. 

every week i aim to make each chapter better than the last, and we have a very different landscape in the house on day 15 after our controlled (perhaps not so controlled) burn. i’ll patiently await your thoughts then, but i just want to say that you inspire me to work harder each week ;;-;

[thingswriting]

The Pursuit of Justice in Death and the Maiden

It is often said that human nature is fundamentally selfish, a claim that undermines the authenticity of the justice system. Ariel Dorfman, a Chilean playwright, developed his progressive play, Death and the Maiden, as a confrontational drama, emerging as a topical piece reflective of the political shifts present in "a country that is probably Chile but could be any country that has given itself a democratic government just after a long period of dictatorship." Dorfman himself was subjected to the consequences of dictatorship and therefore uncovers the prevailing ramifications it had on the psychological state of the victims and the incapability to seek justice for what took place. Translated in 1990 by Ariel Dorfman himself, the play takes place over the period of a weekend consisting of 3 different characters, each symbolic of the main contributors to the judicial struggle; Paulina Salas, a victim of abuse, Gerardo Escobar, her husband and human rights lawyer, and Roberto Miranda, the accused perpetrator. Dorfman implements a motif of manipulation throughout the play to construct the selfish nature of characters symbolic of both good and evil, establishing the corrupt pursuit of justice. Although each of Dorfman’s characters are representative of contrasting concepts, they share a universal egocentric attitude. Dorfman constructs Gerado as a mediator of justice, however simultaneously discloses his manipulative tendencies in order to achieve his personally desired outcome. Through the use of emotional manipulation and leveraging, Roberto’s character is seen to place his personal needs over the betterment of the situation.  Finally, Paulina as a victim is depicted to constantly move from acceptance and revenge, in order to fulfil her personal quest for closure.

By placing Gerado in a role as a mediator of justice between both Paulina and Roberto, Dorfman discloses his genuine intentions; to provide false hopes and ideas in an attempt to reach a fictitious form of closure. Gerardo’s association and trust with Roberto in contrast to Paulina creates a powerful message surrounding the perception of victims as invalid and inferior. Interactions between Gerardo and Roberto show their patronising attitude towards Paulina, using condescending verbs like “placate,” (31) “indulge” (30) and “humour.” (31) This reveals that Gerardo had no actual intention of reaching an authentic form of justice but rather relies on manipulation to provide Paulina with an illusion of closure. When plotting about Paulina, Gerardo states that Paulina has to feel, “that we- that you are willing to cooperate.” (31) Dorfman signals Gerardo’s association with Roberto through the use of punctuation as he naturally refers to himself and Roberto as “we” (31) yet the dash is symbolic of his guilty realisation. It is natural to assume that as the husband of the victim, there is an immense amount of trust between Gerardo and Paulina however, Gerardo only sees the easiest possible route for himself without considering the collateral damage for his wife. Through the invalidating manipulation of Paulina paired with the dismissal of her perspective, the concept of restorative justice is explored. Instead of healing the relationship between victim and perpetrator, a conclusion is reached with absence of all parties. Furthermore, the audience is exposed to the immense amount of guilt Gerardo feels towards the situation via his physical “desperate, shaking” (36) when confronted with Paulina’s abuse. Initially Gerardo “doesn’t like to talk” (5) about his wife’s abuse due to his personal guilt toward the situation, yet his position abruptly changes when he needs to use the confession, reflected through the high modality statement that he “has to know.” (35) The structure of the progression of Gerardo’s sympathy coincides directly with his intentions as they change according to what benefits him. Primarily the mention of rape is abruptly shut down and almost covered up, however when an opportunity arises to use the information in his favour he turns to emotional manipulation telling Paulina it is “not fair” (35) if she doesn’t share. This provides a reflection on how the information surrounding the trauma was pushed away until it could be manipulated to satisfy Gerado’s personal perspective of justice. This individual view of justice prohibits justice itself as it isn’t based on the actual events, but rather it is based upon personal guilt.

Dorfman develops multiple deceptive techniques that Roberto uses to inflict manipulation on characters in a desperate attempt to conceal the truth. Dorfman repeatedly shows Roberto attempting to establish his academic authority as a doctor in an attempt to seize control of the situation, ultimately undermining the validity of Paulina’s claims. Immediately after the removal of the gag following the abduction of Roberto, he shares a conversation with Paulina, diagnosing her as “extremely ill” (21) and “prototypically schizoid.” (21)  When conversing with Gerardo in an attempt to secure his trust, the audience encounters Roberto using the same technique to undermine Paulina, saying that she should be “receiving some kind of psychiatric treatment” (29) and that her claims were “fantasies of the diseased mind.” (30) Through the use of this extensive lexical chain that appeals to the fragile notion of sanity, the audience sees Roberto attempting to invalidate Paulina’s accusations instead of taking responsibility for the trauma he inflicted. Furthermore, Dorfman uses ambiguous claims to inflict confusion surrounding Roberto’s innocence, fluctuating between the act of a genuine confession and the notion that he supposedly “made it up.” (41) However, it was revealed that "small lies" (44) were imbedded in the “false” (41) confession that Roberto continuously corrected. Through evidence alluding to the fact that Roberto was more than likely responsible for Paulina's torture, the characters individualistic attitude is revealed. In an attempt to save his own stature Roberto never confesses to the act and it is left ambiguous to the audience. Thus, Dorfman constructs a larger comment surrounding the quest for justice. In an attempt to save one’s self, humans don’t take responsibility for their actions but rather rely on emotional manipulation of others, consequently preventing the exposition of the truth.

Paulina’s incapability of letting go of past resentment results in a fluctuating state between acceptance and revenge, providing misleading ideas to other characters. Paulina’s oscillating forgiveness towards her husband acts as a reflection of her disposition towards the larger situation. In reference to Gerardo’s affair, Dorfman creates a tense atmosphere as Paulina refers to his mistress as, “that bitch” and asks if the person that helped him fix his car was “pretty” (3) or “sexy.” (3) When asked why she assumes this she replies with, “Why, I just can’t imagine why” (3).  Dorfman employs passive aggressive and derogatory diction that connotes the idea that although Paulina claims she has moved on from the situation, in actual fact the event tainted her trust of her husband. This occurs whilst Gerardo is under the impression that she “already forgave” (35) him. Through bringing up past betrayal as a mechanism of defence, Dorfman reveals Paulina’s use of past betrayal to manipulate the present in her favour. Through this inability to forgive, the concept of closure is constructed as unattainable because in order to find closure a victim must be willing to let go of the past. Furthermore, Paulina’s need to, “satisfy her personal passion” (26) whilst there is potential that others will, “get screwed” (26) reveals her narrow and selfish perspective on the situation. Whilst coming to a compromise regarding Roberto, she agrees that if “he confesses” (28) she will “let him go.” (28) However, this is almost an occurrence of her deceiving herself into thinking that his confession will fulfil her need for closure. Due to the unrealistic understanding surrounding what Paulina needs to be satisfied, it simultaneously misleads the other characters. Directly after Roberto’s confession Paulina states her need “to kill” (42) him although Paulina received “more than all the victims in this country will ever get.” (44) This revelation that nothing will ever provide Paulina with closure exhibits how even the selfish need to feel revenge fuels the corruptness of the quest for justice.  The character of Paulina is one that is constructed with an internal conflict between revenge and acceptance and therefore she unknowingly attempts to manipulate the situation to fall in favour of her needs, misleading other characters.

The play, Death and the Maiden, was constructed on a bed of lies and ambiguity, leaving the audience with uncertainty surrounding what actually occurred. The motif of manipulation is present throughout the entirety of the play, identified as a central concept that is universal for all characters. By implementing the presence of manipulation and lies within all characters, Dorfman brings to light the contaminated quest for justice as it is merely based on a personal perception, inhibiting authentic closure. Although written originally in 1991, many victims are subjected to the same unresolved dilemmas, still suffer from the trauma and will do so for years to come. Through this exploration of how society deals with past trauma, Dorfman’s play can prompt questions surrounding how the selfish nature of the human race can hinder the entire concept of justice.

[ending-myworld]

do you ever feel like your life is a cycle of bad decision, make up for it... only to then make another bad decision?

my first post, and I’m afraid it’s not a light one. in my life, I find myself in a constant battle with my ability to rationalise good and bad decisions.

I’ve always been a person who is easily influenced. as a teenager and in my early 20′s. this developed to the point of taking drugs, smoking regularly, drinking, and generally other self-destructive behaviour. the issue is, I would always realise when I’d made a grave mistake, that it was a mistake (or a bad choice), and then attempt to make amends with the person or thing that was affected, only to make the same choice again...

that cycle has cost me dearly throughout the years, monetarily, relationships, friendships... everything. simultaneously, I’m almost attacking my own consciousness and broadly, my mental health. at the time of writing this, I can conclusively say that I have just lost the most important person in my life. the worst part is that undeservedly, as well as the guilt, I just plainly feel sorry for myself. I feel hopelessly stuck in this insane cycle, but more on that later.

the thing is, I’m not a stupid guy. my internal assessment of my decision making process is simple. I know what is right, and what is wrong. I know what I want, and what I do not want. but the mystery is that I still make decisions that have catastrophically negative impacts on the things that are ‘right, and that I ‘want’. It’s almost as if, in the moment, I don’t realise the severity or potential consequences of my actions and ultimately result in the loss of my access to such things.

this blog would be longer than the bible if I were to to disseminate all of the bad choices I’ve made in my life. to be honest, maybe a bit of god in my life would be helpful.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t know quite how dearly these decisions would cost me, because I do. the confusing thing is, I understand the consequences of my actions every single time, and I still proceed as if it’s not a big deal, in the moment.

this assessment is true every time I go out with friends. “oh, it’s just one cigarette, it’s fine”. “just one more drink, it’s fine...”.

and in this case, on this crucially important day in my life, and just as things were going well in my relationship, I fucked up again. the last time I fucked up, it was Christmas, I smoked while out with friends, my partner HATES smoking, and understandably. that took a long time to fix. prior to that, it was to do with my habit for going out and coming home late. 

this was a regular occurrence and something which shares synchronicity with the crux of this post. fundamentally, in the moment, I just don’t think rationally about the cost of me making that choice. I habitually bury my head in the sand and deal with the consequences after. It’s pathetic behaviour, and to be honest, I am proud to say that part of me has been in the past for a number of months.

and life has been good. It has been so good. My partner and I have had fun in lockdown, being silly together and playing chess, just generally making the most of our time together. I have absolutely loved and cherished every single moment we’ve spent together - and I have shown that too.

then today, this morning. I was scrolling through my Facebook stories as I do sometimes, and I come across a story post from a girl called Myra. now, this is not someone I have ever met in my life, nor is it someone I would ever want to meet, or even engage in conversation with, and that’s the truth. this is just someone who I happened to come across while scrolling. 

something within me made me like... no, love heart her photo.

WHY? why? why would I do that. I could think of nothing worse than engaging in a conversation with any other woman apart from my girlfriend. I have genuinely been so happy in my life, and I made a choice to disrespect my partner for absolutely no rhyme or reason.

now, this is something I completely forgot about. about two hours later, my partner came upstairs telling me she felt poorly. out of interest, she took a pregnancy test. we’ve been trying for a baby for the past few months at this point. to my absolute surprise and delight, it came back positive.

to say I was excited would be an understatement. my thoughts immediately turned to making a plan financially, providing for the family by keeping my second job which I was originally going to stop, looking after her through this pregnancy. any thought of this random post I liked on Facebook was well out of my mind.

then, as I was on the phone to my Mum upstairs, my laptop open with Facebook messenger downstairs, she sees the message on my laptop and came upstairs to rightly confront me about it.

what is there to say? how do I compartmentalise or even rationalise that decision? I was filled with such anger and disappointment with myself. I know how big of a deal this is, but again, in the moment, I did not see it that way.

I found out today that the most important person in my whole world is pregnant with my child, and how did I respond? with huge slap of disrespect. as I type this, I’m at home with our puppy, she’s at her Mum’s, making the decision to leave me.

my words mean nothing anymore. I have cried, and lied, and begged her to stay with me when I’ve fucked up in the past. but then I do the same thing again. I am finding it so hard to understand myself, because the one true thing in my life is the genuine love I have for this girl, she’s everything to me

so what now?

am I even allowed to feel the way I feel? do I deserve to feel utter disappointment and sadness, to the point of taking my own life? that’s a selfish thought process, but it’s genuinely how I feel. I feel entangled in a maze of bad decisions that have had no outcome but to lead me down a path of unhappiness and loneliness, and honestly, I deserve to feel this way. I have brought nothing but sadness to a truly wholesome and exciting day. this should have been the most exciting day of our lives together - to be remembered forever

and now?

I can’t even share this day with the person that means the most to me in the whole wide world, and it’s all my fault.

and why am I here? that’s another important question. well, quite frankly, I have nowhere else to turn, no one else to communicate this with. this is an endless cycle of behaviour that I am not able to fix.

this evening, I was actually able to make a decision I can be sure of. I joined a well known clinic that supports assisted suicide. I feel comfortable and calm in my decision to end my own life. and paying the fee gave me a huge sense of relief. I finally feel like I have control in my decision making.

no one in my life has benefited from their social or personal interaction with me, and I am not comfortable with having a war with myself for the rest of my life so,

look, this post is candid, and as honest as it can be. right now, I have made peace with this decision, which has not been made out of selfishness, rather my desire to be at peace with myself, but also for other people to be at peace with me, and the awful decisions I have made in my life.

I am open to questions or comments. I am aware that this post, based on the fact that the day started with my own bad decision, may come across as attention seeking - I can assure you it is not. but it is helpful to have a platform where I can anonymously share my journey, and provide regular updates on my condition, and ultimately I intend to share my last post on my last day.

this is a sure thing, so anyone who wants to join my journey is welcome to do so, I will share details of my meetings with doctors.

I’d like to close by admitting full responsibility for the decisions I made that led me to this point in my life. I, and I alone, chose this. I chose this all along, I just didn’t realise it.

[shashidubeyguruji]

Lord Krishna, the modern-day Management Guru

Lord Krishna and the Bhagavad Gita have intrigued and compelled the Indian mind for centuries. Today it continues to inspire millions of people across the world. For readers of this blog, the Bhagavad Gita, or simply, the ‘Gita,’ is one of the most important religious texts of Hinduism. It has three major themes of knowledge, action, and love.

This sacred text, containing seven hundred verses, is a dialogue between Lord Krishna and warrior Arjuna in the epic battle of Mahabharata around 3100 B.C.E. Lord Krishna imparts profound knowledge to a confused and disturbed Arjuna who faces the moral and ethical dilemma of choosing to fight for righteousness and battle his own. All Arjuna could see on the battlefield was his uncles, grandfathers, teachers, maternal uncles, brothers, sons, grandsons, and comrades. Seeing fathers-in-law, all those kinsmen, and other dear ones standing in the ranks of the two armies, this upset and confused him greatly.

In essence, the Bhagavad Gita imparts the knowledge of the Self and answers some fundamental questions of life. 

Recently, one of my students asked me for advice when his business was forced to shut down during COVID-19. Luckily, it gave him an opportunity to reflect on his business operations and management of staff. He wanted to use this time to become a better leader and strategist. His priority areas were efficiency, effectiveness and effortlessness. I simply advised him to read the Bhagavad Gita. He looked at me puzzled!

 I explained to him that Lord Krishna resides in the heart of all living beings. He is a charismatic leader, a manager, teacher a loyal friend and a philosopher. He taught the lessons of Bhakti (devotion), good Karma (fruit of one’s actions), compassion and courage. Krishna’s lessons are still relevant to the modern man’s thoughts and needs. The Gita ticks every box of the “modern day survival guide.” Although the script may be old, it is contemporary in its essence. Lord Krishna is the master of finesse.

 I used excerpts of the Bhagavad Gita to mentor top international executives and CEOs, which I shared with my student. To me the answer is simple – we must correctly identify the principles laid out in the text and apply them appropriately to the corporate setting. Top management and business schools use it as an educational tool to inspire executives and increase productivity, confidence, motivation, and fearlessness. It expands their thoughts and brings meaningful change. These traits are necessary for successful leaders, managers, entrepreneurs, and politicians alike.

 My student was intrigued and wondered how the Bhagavad Gita Model is relevant to today’s business and economic context. I smiled and quoted this excerpt:

“karmaṇy-evādhikāras te mā phaleṣhu kadāchana

mā karma-phala-hetur bhūr mā te saṅgo ’stvakarmaṇi”,

“You have the right to perform your prescribed duties, but they do not entitle you to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the result of your activities, nor be attached to inaction” (BG:2.47).

 Nearly every school child in India is taught this well-known verse of the Gita. It teaches from a young age, the proper spirit of work or Karm Yog (art of action). It offers four distinct instructions regarding the science of work: 1) Do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the results, 2) The fruit of your actions are not for your enjoyment, 3) Even while working, give up the pride of doership and 4) Do not be attached to inaction.

 The following are some management strategies, principles, and skills that Lord Krishna shared with warrior arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra.

 Master the Mind and you Master the World

“One must elevate – and not degrade oneself by one’s own mind. The mind is one’s friend and one’s enemy. The mind is the friend of those who have control over it, and the mind acts like an enemy for those who do not control it” (BG:6.05-06).

 Here, Lord Krishna is sharing the importance of mastering one’s mind to the great warrior Arjuna. Our biggest enemy in the world is an uncontrolled mind. We can achieve a lot if we use wisdom and intellect to progress ourselves. James Allen, a philosopher said, “Self-control is strength, right thought is mastery, and calmness is power.” Only when the mind is mastered, a manager or leader can provide right direction with firm determination.

 Focus the Mind

 “Therefore, fix your mind on Me and let your intellect concentrate upon Me alone through meditation and contemplation. Thereafter, you shall certainly attain Me” (BG:12.08).

 The dialogue demonstrates further the importance of a focused mind that Lord Krishna tries to instill onto Arjuna. Swami Vivekananda once said, “The powers of the mind are like the rays of the sun. When they are concentrated, they illuminate.” When the mind is focused, it can achieve what a disturbed mind cannot accomplish due to disturbance and noise. A focused mind has high problem-solving abilities and decision-making skills. In a business setting, it is highly beneficial for a manager to have a focused mind to achieve organizational objectives effectively and efficiently.

 Distribute Profits to Employees and Contribute towards Society

 “The righteous who eat after sharing with others are freed from all sins, but the impious who cook food only for themselves (without offering it first to God or sharing with others), in truth, eat sin” (BG:3.13).

 Lord Krishna is suggesting the importance of the habit of sharing with society. Most businesses and corporations consume the resources of the society. We must therefore heighten our awareness to contribute back for the welfare of all. An offering made by a millionaire and a poor man is considered the same, if it is done with humility. It is suggested that business profits must be distributed to employees to give them a sense of being valued, worthy and appreciated.

 Be a Leader and Provide Right Motivation

 “The wise should not unsettle the minds of the ignorant who are attached to the fruits of work but should inspire others by performing their duty efficiently with dedication and without selfish attachment” (BG:3.26).

 There is a direct correlation between an employees’ level of motivation and productivity. Employees need motivating factors to remain committed and productive. At times, they need to be managed, advised and guided in the right direction. Lord Krishna showed the great warrior Arjuna the right direction, in the scenario above. As it is famously quoted by Mahatma Gandhi, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” Similarly, a manager should ensure that they are the leader, motivator and guide for the workforce to achieve objectives of the organization.

 Be Action Oriented

 “O warrior Arjuna, there is nothing in the three worlds – heaven, earth, and the lower regions – that should be done by Me, nor there is anything unobtained that I should obtain, yet I engage in action” (BG: 3.22).

 Here, Lord Krishna is highlighting the significance of being action oriented. I often say that your actions become your habits, habits become your values, and values become your destiny. This means that our actions have a direct impact on shaping our destiny. To achieve the desired result, we must combine our knowledge with the necessary action to attain those results. One should always let actions speak louder than words, for actions are worthier.

 Hold Firm and be Strong even in Adversity

 “Considering also your duty as a warrior, you should not waver because there is nothing more auspicious than one’s personal duty in life” (BG:2.31).

 Here, the importance of facing adverse situations with firmness and determination is communicated to warrior Arjuna. We face both turbulent and smooth periods in our lives. Similarly, in business one must remain focused in both favourable and unfavourable situations.  A manager should make a suitable strategy to prepare for any eventualities. Currently we face unprecedented challenges. If we apply the principles that Lord Krishna has shared with the world, a manager or leader can face even the most arduous times with firmness. Nothing can stop them from achieving organizational objectives even during adversity.

 Act with Conviction

 “Whatever is done without faith – whether it is sacrifice, charity, austerity, or any other act – is useless. It has no value here or hereafter, O Warrior Arjuna” (BG: 17.28).

 Lord Krishna is emphasizing action with truthful conviction and the significance of belief in everything we do. Leaders must believe in an action before undertaking them. Half-hearted attempts will not get us the desired result. Therefore, it is necessary for managers to give their best so that their team members can make meaningful contributions.

 Achieve your Dream

 “That resolve is in the mode of ignorance by which a dull person does not give up sleep, fear, grief, despair and false pride, O Warrior Arjuna” (BG: 18.35).

 Lord Krishna is explaining here the meaning of having dreams. All individuals have aspirations that come from dreams. Former President of India, Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam Sir, once said, “Dream is not that which you see while sleeping, it is something that does not let you sleep.” The beauty in dreams make life beautiful and worth living. They motivate us to achieve life goals.

 Finally, As you can see, the Bhagavad Gita contains words of wisdom through practical teaching that can be easily applied to present-day situations to solve any problem. This sacred text crosses all boundaries of religion and race, containing divine wisdom and direction for all of us.

 Lord Krishna’s life is a model that people have applied for many centuries. I believe it will be used for many generations to come. His teachings go beyond infinity.

[bigskydreaming]

Ok, but how would you writte a court of owls and a dick grayson fanfic, focusing on the abduction too, after all the traumas that being destained to be a talon could carry with?, just imagine dick noticing his family could have known this, and then boom, someway the court makes his way to dick core, bat fam have to fighthim, but focusing in all those conflicts and not only the fights

LOL I have a few different Court of Owls’ ideas running through my head at any given time, but for various reasons, some of which I can’t even identify, they almost always tend to be AUs of some kind, where I also play around with different takes on the family dynamics or how the family comes together in the first place. I have no clue why that particular plot point, the Court, tends to pair itself with unorthodox Batfam takes in my head, tbh. It just does.

As an example, the one I’ve come back to the most often and most recently when fiddling around with various WIPs when the chaos of my life these days allows for it, lol.....its called “Where Last We Left Off” and it goes AU from general pre Flashpoint comic book continuity when Dick is still Robin, around fourteen or so. Long enough into his time living with Bruce that they’ve reached a point of considering each other father and son, even if neither is saying as such yet, and past the point where the Titans first formed and and even after Kory first came to Earth, so Dick has well established friendships with Garth, Roy, Wally, Donna, Lilith and Kory at least.

So in it, I set up an initial prelude and then there’s a time skip to five years later, where all the actual fic takes place. My premise is basically that Batman has been operating in Gotham for about seven years by the prelude, Batman and Robin about four or five, and its only in the last couple of years that Batman’s started coordinating more consistently and officially with other heroes as a member of the Justice League. And the point of departure happens when the Court uncovers Batman and Robin’s secret identities while trying to rid themselves of Batman’s interference in their operations even though he’s not aware of them just yet. When they realize that Robin is none other than their intended Gray Son, they decide to try and kill two birds with one stone.

Cue Dick’s abduction, but with a twist. Rather than make him a Talon and subject him to the Talonization process or whatever that’s called, and employ brainwashing or mind control techniques to control him, they make themselves known to Bruce as the ones who took Dick, give him a taste of what the Talons are capable of and make sure he gets a good look at the changes to their physiologies and mental states, and then they make their demands. They won’t subject Dick to any of that.....so long as Bruce agrees to hang up his cape and cowl, and cease all vigilantism and contact with other heroes. They give him forty eight hours to make his decision, and leave him with the body of one of their Talons to ‘study’...in essence, making both an example of how little they care for their tools and think nothing of disposing of one, and to give Bruce more information than he really wants at the moment of all the kinds of things that Talon was subjected to in the ‘making’ of him. 

Unable to find a hint of where they took Dick before the deadline, even when Bruce calls in Clark, Barry and a few others for help searching, Bruce ultimately agrees to their demands and ceases all activity as Batman in exchange for the occasional proof of life demonstrating that the Court are holding up their end of the bargain. If they see even a hint of vigilantism or working with other heroes, they warn, they’ll have no further use for Dick except as just another of their Talons.

Heartsick and with no real idea how to spend his days at first, or inclination to put much thought into coming up with ideas for that, as well as refusing to even speak with Clark and the others, let alone Dick’s friends, at the risk of that being overseen or heard and deemed ‘working with other heroes,’ Bruce ultimately funnels most of his time and energy into charity works and projects mostly born of idle ideas he remembers Dick mentioning every now and then, when complaining about how stupid the way certain things worked or skewering various flaws in the typical upper class reasonings of people he was expected to converse with at various galas....and then venting to Bruce all the way home.

Eventually, Bruce meets Jason in a different way than in canon, but still takes him in. Not to replace Dick of course, or because he’s given up on him (if he ever did that, after all, there’d be no reason for him not to go back out as Batman). But rather just because he has to do something, and the thought of caring for Jason and trying to be for him what he was for Dick, or at least hoped he’d been, it sparks the first real motivation he’s had since the abduction. The one thing he can’t bring himself to regret is taking Dick in, even as he blames himself for thinking so selfishly, since if he hadn’t done that, this would never have happened to Dick (not knowing yet that the Court was always intent on getting their hooks into Dick whether he was in the equation or not). But the point is, he can’t honestly say he wishes he’d never taken Dick in, even as selfish as he feels for that, so he doesn’t let his misgivings keep him from following his instincts with Jason, telling himself it’ll be different since he’s not Batman anymore. (Bottom line being his choice with Jason is still about Jason, not just as a proxy for Dick or anything).

Not all that long after, different events than canon result in him taking Tim in as well (with Tim not aware of his past as Batman at this point in this AU, since I’m positing that Dick was abducted before Tim happened to see Robin doing the flip that let him connect the necessary dots there). And not long after that, Bruce takes in Duke as well, and then finally, about a year before the five year time skip to present day, he takes in Cassandra, due to Barbara’s influence.

Babs has one of the bigger divergences in this AU, as I’m switching things around a little specifically to set Dick’s abduction at just before Babs becomes Batgirl. So she’s not really one of his friends at this point in life, and she sets out to become Batgirl pretty much right after Bruce hangs up the cape. Unable to even confront Batgirl as himself, lest the Court see that as an attempted return to vigilantism, but paranoid that they might view Batgirl as his attempt to work via a proxy, Bruce does a most un-Brucely thing....he anonymously tips off the Commissioner about his daughter’s vigilantism, and Jim Gordon puts a stop to that by unapologetically even playing the guilt trip card to keep his daughter from risking her life night after night. So Batgirl retires almost as soon as she begins, but that doesn’t mean Babs is out of the game by a longshot.

A big part of the reason for that divergence is I’ve always felt that Babs was going to become Oracle one way or another, no matter what road she took there, and although I love her as Batgirl, I don’t view it as fundamentally essential to her overall character as other early personas of other superheroes are. And despite the Bat theme, Barbara has never been dependent on Bruce either for guidance or resources, let alone validation......so I wanted to play around with what happens if you cut the Batgirl portion of Barbara’s life out of the picture completely.

So basically, she just starts becoming Oracle even earlier. She promised her dad she wouldn’t risk her life on the streets in a cape and a mask. She made no such promises about putting her computer skills to use for the greater good, in whatever ways she deems most efficient. Which ultimately leads to her working as a superhero information broker for a growing number of vigilantes who have no idea their cyber eyes and ears isn’t even quite of legal drinking age just yet, and from there, forming the Birds of Prey as satellite agents for missions she directs them towards in a Charlie’s Angels kind of way, where she’s just the voice on the radio so to speak. One of those missions results in Dinah, Helena and a couple others crossing paths with Cassandra, who returns with them to the States. She’s still just a teenager though, younger than when she first crossed paths with the Batfam in canon, only about thirteen here. And the Birds don’t think any of them themselves have the kind of home and stability they all agree she deserves, so they ask the ever mysterious Oracle if she knows of anyone....not realizing just yet that said Oracle is barely a decade older than Cassandra herself at this point. But the Oracle knows all...so she has an idea.

Bruce, being the Walking Guilt Complex that he is, felt shitty about interfering in her attempts at vigilantism even as much as he believes he made the right choice there. So after he adopts Jason, he contrived an excuse to hire Barbara in specific to be Jason’s tutor and catch him up to speed before he went back to school, so he’d have reason to allow Babs to become a regular presence at the Manor, and an excuse for him to help her out any way she might need or want. Not that she ever took him up on this, which frustrates him to no end, cuz can’t a billionaire just assuage his guilt complex in peace already, damn. But regardless, between Jason, Tim and Duke, she’s become a regular fixture at Wayne Manor over the years, even though for the opposite reasons as Bruce initially ‘hired’ her. After all, all three boys are basically geniuses in their own respective fashions, so its not like they need tutoring in the conventional sense once they caught up to speed in whatever ways they needed. 

Rather, Babs is their tutor specifically in the areas of ‘making sure they don’t get so bored with their schooling, they turn to blowing things up and/or world domination as a hobby’. Basically, an overachieving perfectionist know-it-all hired to help three overachieving perfectionist know-it-all kids reach their full academic potential unhindered by their conventional schooling, which at this point is basically just something that Bruce insists on so the boys get regular social interaction, while Babs concocts their actual curriculums that actually interest them and they do on their own time.

Anyway, so while seeking a placement for Cass that Babs thinks is deserving of her, she ultimately thinks of Bruce, and calls in that favor, albeit in a most unconventional sense. Babs doesn’t know Bruce was Batman at this point either, given how effectively he covered his tracks when he hung up the cape and how pointedly he’s kept away from all vigilantism since....but she knows each of his three boys have very different backgrounds and had trouble adjusting at first because of various issues...all of which Bruce spared no expense in addressing, more in terms of his own direct focus and parenting rather than fiscally. He’s a good dad, here, a great dad, since he’s basically poured all the energy and drive he once devoted to vigilantism to what he now feels he should have focused it on instead....being the father he wished he’d been to Dick and wasn’t going to make the mistake of not being now.

All of which makes Babs think that he might not only be willing to take in Cassandra, but that he might be the best one for her. And so after a lot of cloak and dagger obscurity that would be completely unnecessary if all the parties in question knew all the relevant information about each other, Cassandra ends up at Wayne Manor too. 

All of this is essentially backstory for the in between time between the prelude and the actual fic, unveiled and doled out via information conveyed in the present day. But where the actual fic begins, Bruce is committed to being Superdad to Jason, Tim, Duke and Cass, none of whom know he was Batman or the true nature of what happened to their mysterious elder brother who according to the news and what little Bruce and Alfred are willing to say, was abducted years ago with no attempt made to seek a ransom and no idea who did it or why.

Meanwhile, the kids have their own secrets, as Cass has been sneaking out into the city at night and stopping petty crimes and running into some girl in a purple hoodie who calls herself Spoiler. Tim’s preoccupied with a longtime personal quest of his....figure out who the elusive Oracle, all-knowing master of the cyberways is, and in doing so perhaps win their approval and mentorship. And Duke’s metahuman abilities have recently begun manifesting, and Jason ends up helping him test them and figure out what all he can do (after Jason catches Duke in the act of practicing his ghost vision and Duke has to convince him he’s not crazy and nobody needs to tell Bruce). 

And that in turn leads to Duke exploring the house with aid of his powers, trying to learn more about the mysterious missing eldest, and Jason distracting him every five seconds by whispering “what do you see now,” because Jason has also long been endlessly entranced by the mystery of Dick Grayson, and also, Jason has no chill.

With all of the above being the dynamic in existence in ‘present day’....when Dick escapes the Court and returns home.

So the story itself is all about Dick trying to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened to him while the Court’s hostage, and everything that didn’t happen to him and that he missed out on, coming in at the eleventh hour to a family that’s now almost fully formed all in his absence....with a seat at the table that’s been reserved for him the whole time, but with him uncertain as to where and how he fits in all of this.

All while being as cryptic about things as possible, because the one and only thing he and Bruce seem able to agree on, after their bittersweet reunion that doesn’t go how either of them ever imagined it....is to keep the other kids out of all this by any means necessary. Upon learning that Bruce hasn’t been Batman in years and the others know nothing about any of this, Dick’s firm on believing they should keep it that way as he doesn’t even know them yet, but he does know he isn’t willing to risk anything like what happened to him happening to any other child, related to him or not. And Bruce is perhaps too willing to accommodate Dick on this because he still feels this is all his fault, and telling the others everything would mean admitting to them what a terrible father he once was.

Which, he wasn’t, is the thing. One of the many things Dick’s struggling to reconcile now, because just like in the comics, Dick’s early years with Bruce were good more often than they were bad. He realizes upon seeing how easily the other kids interact with Bruce in a parent and child way that this is something he’s envious of, and in hindsight wanted even before he was kidnapped, but now he doesn’t know how to voice that or his fear that that Bruce would only be willing to offer that to him now out of guilt, that if he’d really wanted that kind of relationship with Dick, they would have had it before he disappeared.

Add to that the fact that Dick can’t make up his mind whether he’s grateful and touched that Bruce gave up being Batman just for the chance it might keep him safe from the fate of the Court’s Talons.....because sometimes, Dick resents it deeply...or not resents, per se, but more that he didn’t know the specifics of what was going on in the outside world beyond where the Court kept him, or that they’d made Bruce give up being Batman....so finding that out upon escaping is messing with his head more than he expected, and now he can’t help but feel aware of all the people over the years that could have been helped by Batman but weren’t, because of Dick. Basically, the Son of the Walking Guilt Complex, aka Walking Guilt Complex Jr., is blaming himself and his getting kidnapped, for being the reason Bruce isn’t a superhero anymore.

Meanwhile, it was not a good idea to keep all of this hush hush, if for no other reason than that its impossible to recover from a life-changing ordeal like this at home, when that home is filled with four other people you and two others are all committed to keeping the full details of what happened a secret from. Its not at all the homecoming Dick was picturing and had dreamed of, and he catches himself at times feeling resentful of the others for being there at all, before feeling guilty because the truth is he really is glad that Bruce took them all in and has been good for them, that he still found a way to help people and be true to himself even without being Batman.

There’s other stuff involved too, like the fact that Dick is still keeping things from even Bruce, like everything that happened to him in the Court, because a) he doesn’t want to talk about it, b) he’s afraid of the guilt spiral it’ll send Bruce into, to know that all this time he’d done everything he could to keep Dick safe by giving the Court no reason to break their word....when they never actually made any promise not to try and break Dick by methods not part of their usual Talon process, and c) he doesn’t want to talk about it.

And of course, all his old friends and teammates desperately want to see him and reconnect with him, which he fluctuates between wishing it was easier to explain who they were and have them around without risking their own identities with his new siblings.....and being grateful that keeping the Big Secret from said siblings meant they could only be around so much (like Clark and Diana, etc, who now simply would not be kept away period)....because like with Bruce, Dick is having trouble coming to terms with how much they’ve all changed while he was gone and how much he’s changed, and what this means for them all and how they even FIT now, if they even do at all.

All of which ultimately builds to Dick sneaking out at night to return to vigilantism himself, which makes Bruce throw an epic freakout when he finds out because he only just got Dick back and is not about to risk losing him again. And with Dick trying to convey that he NEEDS this, now perhaps even more than he ever did before, because its the only thing he knows, the only thing that feels familiar, feels right at this point, while everything else is confusing as hell. And even more than that, he needs it in order to feel like the last five years haven’t cost him everything, that they haven’t...’ruined’ him, because what’s the point of him even being home if he’s just as lost and confused as ever and he can’t even save people, do the one thing that’s always made all the shit he’s ever been through feel worthwhile, like it means something?

He needs it, he can’t give this up forever just because something terrible happened one time, that probably would have happened in some form even if he hadn’t been a hero, given what he found out from the Court about his family line. And he’s not wrong to feel that way, is the problem, much like its a problem that Bruce isn’t wrong to feel that if nothing else, its too soon for Dick to be doing this again, and he hasn’t remotely handled any of the many issues weighing on him and the trauma he’s still unwilling to address.

And it doesn’t help that all the while, Bruce has been wrestling with his own uncertainty as to whether to go back to being Batman now that Dick’s safe again and the combined might of the Justice League and Titans have followed his escape route back to the Court and come down on it with extreme zeal. Or whether he even wants to, anymore, if he can justify the risks it includes while now a father in truth not just to Dick but four other kids too (and yes, Damian exists in this AU, he’s just not here yet). He doesn’t want to leave any of his kids without a father, and even more than that, he doesn’t want any of the others following in his and Dick’s footsteps, which also plays a factor in freaking out at Dick’s quick return to a mask.

But he can’t deny that he does miss it too, and more importantly, he misses the way he and Dick used to understand each other without a word, in perfect sync as they swung over the city together. He can’t help but feel like it would be so much easier for him and Dick to understand each other, communicate with each other, if they were back on the same page even if just for one night for old time’s sake. And also he worries about Dick maybe growing to resent his siblings if he feels like they’re the only reason he won’t go back to being Batman, he won’t let there ever be a Batman and Robin again....which then startles him into worrying that on some level he’s afraid of growing to resent his other kids for being the reason not to do that. And around and around and around it goes.

And then the other kids figure it out in their own ways and everything really blows up.

And its hard and messy and painful and nothing short or easily fixed. And there are no good choices or easy choices or right choices. Just a lot of good people trying to make the most good come out of the most bad, and not a clue what that actually means or looks like, let alone how to go about it. 

Ultimately, its Dick at age 19, coming of age in the most unconventional of ways, trying to figure out who he is and who he wants to be after everything that’s happened, and dragging his whole family along for the ride as they’re all forced to ask the same question and then compare notes and hope that even if they’re not all on the same page, they’re all at least somewhere to be found in the same book.

Its about how you can’t go home again....even when home is exactly where you left it, and everything looks exactly the same but everything is different and nothing and no one will ever be the same ever again.

But that doesn’t mean the trek isn’t worth making, because sometimes the only way to make it forward to who you want to be now....is to first go back to where you last were when last you trusted who you were and what you wanted. So you can make your peace with leaving that road untraveled before finding your new direction and setting forth on that road instead.

*Shrugs* So yeah, that’s my ideal Court of Owls related fic. “Where Last We Left Off.”

Not quite the kind of fic you were describing, lol, but I do seem to insist on being unconventional with my takes, lmao.

[dogbearinggifts]

“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Nine

This is Part Nine of my series comparing and contrasting how Luther and Vanya talk about their own respective traumas, and respond to the traumas of others. This part will conclude my examination of the series itself, and my analysis of each episode’s events. I have one more installment planned, where I discuss my overall findings for each character—both how they are portrayed in canon and how they are portrayed in fandom, as well as some general insights on each that I’ve picked up along the way—so stick around for that. 

If this is the first time you’re seeing this series on your dash, you can find previous installments here: 

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five  Part Six  Part Seven  Part Eight 

and then I swear I’ll finally go through and add links at the bottom of the page on each essay I’m sorry I’ve just been lazy, y’all are awesome for sticking with this

Episode Nine: Changes Part Two (aka Apocalypse…Now?) 

This is not the first mention of trauma in this episode; merely the first mention in this half of it. Nevertheless, it comes when Allison joins Luther, Diego and Klaus in the basement, where Vanya is being held. 

Luther: Allison, what are you doing down here? You should be in bed. Allison: LET HER GO Luther: I can’t do that. She hurt you. Allison: MY FAULT Luther: I’m sorry, but she’s staying put. Just until we know what we’re dealing with. She stays put. Now, come on. Come on. You need to rest.

It’s easy to read this scene as Luther adopting a patronizing attitude toward Allison (“Oh ho ho, I know what’s best for you, silly girl”) or adopting a vindictive one toward Vanya. However, I think both of those interpretations fail to account for the most important piece of the puzzle here: Until very recently, Luther blamed himself for all the awful things Reginald did to him. 

Think back to his reaction upon learning he was sent to the Moon for no reason: “I wasn’t a good enough Number One? I couldn’t cut it?” Luther had just discovered evidence that something awful had been done to him, and he immediately assumed it was a result of something he did. While it’s never explicitly stated that he blamed himself for Reginald mutating him, I would say that based on how Luther reacted to the reveal on his Moon mission, it’s very likely he did blame himself. If only he’d been more careful. If only he’d paid more attention in training. If only he’d done some minor thing that allegedly would have turned the tide in his favor and prevented his near-death. 

And now here’s Allison, who narrowly survived having her throat cut, robbed of her powers and reduced to writing short messages on a notepad—and she’s looking at the woman responsible for her state and saying MY FAULT. 

To Luther, this probably bears a striking resemblance to the self-blame that was his constant companion for years. 

I think that’s why he doesn’t listen to Allison. Not because he thinks he knows what’s best for her. Not because he wants to hurt Vanya further. He’s telling her that Vanya stays put because he believes that Vanya was responsible for her condition. And honestly? He’s right. Allison has received a lot of undeserved ire for her attempted Rumoring of Vanya, but as I pointed out in my previous installment of this series, Allison had no other defense. Vanya was out of control, and Allison had absolutely no idea if catering to Vanya’s demand would allow her to leave that cabin alive or if it would simply prolong her death. What happened to Allison was not her fault. Responsibility for Allison’s state lies with Vanya and Vanya alone. 

Luther wasn’t at that cabin. He didn’t see what happened. But even without firsthand knowledge of what left Allison powerless, he’s still able to recognize self-blame when he sees it. His response to that recognition is poor and leads the family closer to tragedy, but it is rooted in empathy—not spite. 

*********

Our next trauma mention comes from Vanya, who is….technically talking to herself, although it makes sense in context. Regardless of how difficult it is to quantify something like this, I feel as if what Vanya says here is disregarded in favor of the context in which she says it—that is, fandom tends to woobify Vanya for having a psychotic break and ignore the rather unsympathetic motivations she reveals. 

Young Vanya: They’re still afraid of us. Even after all these years. Afraid of our power. Vanya: You’re not real. Young Vanya: We killed Leonard. Vanya: Because he lied to us. Young Vanya: Not about everything. Vanya: What are you talking about? Young Vanya: You know. You’ve always known. Our brothers and sister, they’re just like Dad. Driven to keep us down. A muted voice, isolated from the group, never in the limelight, never the center of attention. It will never end. Not until we act. Vanya: But they’re our family. Young Vanya: They fear you now. They’re gonna keep you in here forever. Vanya: No. Young Vanya: Do you remember what that was like? Staring at these grey walls, hour after hour, day after day while they played together? Do you want to live like this for the rest of our lives?

Much is made in fandom of the fact Vanya is trapped in this anechoic chamber, but very little is made of what she says while trapped in there. While I’d like to give fandom the benefit of the doubt, I’m inclined to believe that the dialogue in this scene is excluded less by oversight and more by design, because this dialogue surgically dismantles the popular image of Vanya as an innocent victim who is neither dangerous nor at fault for what happened in the cabin. 

First, note what she says to her childhood self about Leonard’s murder: “Because he lied to us.” No hesitation. No remorse. No attempt to justify what she did with claims of self-defense. Leonard lied to her, and so she feels she had a right to kill him. 

So many people in fandom have pointed out Luther’s childish moral code. Sometimes this is done to make him appear less sympathetic; sometimes it is done to point out how his proximity to Reginald stunted him, but it’s done quite often. However, Vanya’s moral code is equally childish—if not more so—and I have yet to see anyone point that out. 

Luther’s moral code: If it hurts people, it is an enemy. If it helps people, it is a friend. This is why he locked Vanya up: She hurt Allison, so she is an enemy and not to be trusted. It’s also why he defended Reginald all those years: Reginald saved his life and gave him and his siblings a roof over their heads and three square meals and material possessions and an opportunity to develop their powers, so he was a friend. This completely discounts Vanya’s remorse and the abuse Luther and his siblings suffered, and the harm this code does is clear. 

Vanya’s moral code: If it makes me feel special, it is good. If it makes me feel ordinary, it is bad. Good things should be held close and defended at all costs; bad things hurt me, so I can hurt them back. Leonard made her feel special for most of the series, so she defended him despite all evidence pointing to the fact he was actually a creepy stalker. Allison made her feel ordinary simply by virtue of having access to and knowledge of her powers while Vanya lacked this, and so Vanya felt justified in punishing her with verbal put-downs and abuse and—eventually—open threats and shows of force. 

One thing I’d like to call attention to, before we go any further, is that Luther’s moral code, while childish and leaving no room for reform or wolves in sheep’s clothing, is fundamentally focused on others. He believes it is his duty to protect others from danger, and from those who wish to do harm—no matter the cost to the person he believes is causing harm. Vanya’s moral code, on the other hand, is fundamentally focused on herself. She judges good and evil, right and wrong based on what people do to her and how they make her feel. Luther’s moral code leaves room for selflessness, or a form of it anyway; Vanya’s moral code is fundamentally selfish and cannot be focused outward. 

Another thing I’d like to call attention to is that in this moment, Vanya has nothing to hide and no reason to conceal her motives. She is alone, and hallucinating her childhood self. If ever there were a time to be honest, this would be it. This is when we get to see her motivations, when we get to learn how she feels about her siblings. And we do.

“You know. You’ve always known. Our brothers and sister, they’re just like Dad. Driven to keep us down. A muted voice, isolated from the group, never in the limelight, never the center of attention. It will never end. Not until we act.” 

So often she is portrayed as a lost and broken little girl who only ever wanted love. Her rampage is made out to be the final snapping of a girl who learned she would never gain the affection she craved, but that assumption is torn to pieces by the words of the very character who is so misconstrued. Vanya is not motivated by a longing for love. She never was. She is motivated by a longing for attention. 

Think about it: Leonard never made any overt displays of love, like flowers or candy, but he did shower her with attention. He listened to her more than he talked, put her center stage, wanted to know everything about her and celebrated her triumphs. When Vanya walks in on the emergency meeting and assumes she was excluded, love was never part of the equation. Attention was what they failed to give her. When she bought the typewriter with which she would write her autobiography, it was the comic book featuring her siblings in the pawnshop window that caused her to snap. The world was still fawning over her siblings; she decided it was time the world listened to her for a change. When she goes on her rampage in the next episode, she doesn’t try to find her siblings and scream at them for never loving her; instead she dons a suit and goes to play her concert. Her rampage, like everything else she does, is not a brokenhearted reaction to a lack of love. It is a blatant attempt to make the world pay attention to her and what she can do. 

I don’t think this is indicative of a character flaw in Vanya, or even her fault. Reginald Hargreeves was not an affectionate man, and his favor toward his children was measured in how much attention he lavished upon them. Luther, as the favorite, received the most; Vanya, being excluded from family life, received the least. It is natural that Vanya would crave attention more than she craves love, or even conflate the two. But it is important to accurately name her motivation. Misconstruing it as heartbroken retaliation for a lack of love fails to adequately explain her actions. 

Another thing worth noting: Vanya doesn’t argue with her childhood self’s assessment of the situation. When her childhood self says “They fear you now. They’re gonna keep you in here forever,” Vanya doesn’t bring up the lack of fear on Allison’s face or the fact she wrote LET HER GO on her notepad for all to see. You can argue that, without the ability to hear what was said, Vanya could have mistaken Klaus’ horror for fear and Diego’s anger toward Luther as anger toward her, but it is impossible for her to misinterpret what Allison wrote. Yet she doesn’t mention it, not even for her childhood self to refute it. 

Nor does she bring up the reason why she’s locked in that chamber: the near-murder of her own sister. She flew into a screaming rage because of her own selective memory, cut her own sister’s throat and spent much of the previous episode assuming Allison was dead at her hand—and that doesn’t even enter her thought process. Yes, she now knows Allison is alive, but she also knows that Allison’s powers are gone because of her. She nearly murdered Allison because Allison took her powers away; yet now she knows she has taken Allison’s powers away, and if she feels any guilt over that, we don’t see it. She only thinks about her siblings in the context of how their actions will impact her. 

Finally, her childhood self reveals a lot about how Vanya sees her siblings’ abuse: “Do you remember what that was like? Staring at these grey walls, hour after hour, day after day while they played together?” Her book (shown in a few blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes, and in slightly more detail in the comics) mentions that her siblings were experimented on. She knows they went through training. Yet here, they were just playing. Nothing more than that. Playing without her, having fun in her absence. 

I cannot for the life of me understand how Luther has a reputation in fandom for insisting he had it worse than anyone when Vanya is the only one who calls persistent abuse and experimentation playing. It’s true that she was kept at arm’s length and so this misconception was allowed to grow unabated, but it’s telling that in the ten or so years since she’s left home, she hasn’t reconsidered her adolescent perspective on what her siblings went through. 

********

Episode Ten: The White Violin (aka Apocalypse Vanya) 

This episode is primarily the conclusion of all the story threads introduced thus far, and the only moment I’d like to discuss is the montage where Vanya walks through the Academy hallucinating childhood versions of her siblings rejecting her and treating her as if she doesn’t belong. 

Or, so fandom tells me. 

Here’s what actually happens. 

Vanya opens a door and finds Allison and Luther sitting on the bed about to kiss. Allison hears the noise, turns, and screams at Vanya to get out. 

She opens another door and finds Diego sitting on his bed. He looks up and says, “What do you want?” in a rude, demanding tone. 

Behind another door, she finds Klaus and Ben suiting up for a mission. Ben looks to her and says, “To go on a mission, Vanya, you have to have a power.” 

In the parlor (or a parlor—the Academy is fucking huge) she finds her father and siblings posing for a photo. She watches her teenage self beg Reginald to let her be in the photo; he persistently refuses. Her siblings stand mutely as the photo is taken without her. 

Other users have pointed out that these instances of alleged cruelty are actually normal in families with siblings, and I’m inclined to agree. Vanya interrupted a kiss—possibly a first kiss—and I would say Allison is well within her rights to be angry and upset about it. 

Diego’s reaction is a bit less sympathetic, on the surface, although not uncommon in families with siblings. She intruded on Diego’s privacy, which is annoying in families where parents respect the privacy of their children; but if Reginald believes he has a right to walk in and out of his children’s rooms as he pleases, then Vanya’s intrusion is tantamount to a small betrayal. I speak from experience—I grew up in a household where, when we moved into a house with locks on the bedroom doors, it was made abundantly clear that we were never to use them. My parents rarely knocked, and became belligerent the few times I asked them to. As a result of this, my brother and I treated privacy as sacred. We knocked when the door was closed, we knocked when the door was open, we asked if we could come in. When a much younger sibling of mine would traipse into my room without knocking, I would remain angry about it for much longer than was normal or healthy. Point is, Diego’s annoyance could be normal sibling irritation over a failure to respect his privacy, or it could be something more. Either way, it’s understandable. 

Ben’s reaction is blunt, I’ll say that much, and definitely rude. I could see how Vanya would be hurt by this. However, he’s right. At this point in their childhoods, they both believed she didn’t have a power. If she went on a mission, she’d die very quickly. What Ben says here is less bullying and more brutal honesty—and while the line can definitely blur between the two, I’d say he’s more on the side of honesty than on the side of bullying. 

Reginald is the only one who acts out of malice, refusing to let her be in the family photo. While this is par for the course for him, her siblings say nothing in Vanya’s defense; but I don’t think this is a count against them. Yes, they are all probably powerful enough to take Reginald down almost instantly, but he has conditioned them too well. They obey his authority and fear his retribution. None of them are going to risk his wrath by ruining the family photo. 

I think there are two ways to view this montage. 

These are the worst memories Vanya has of her siblings, the most blatant examples of their bullying, as evidenced by the fact they have stuck with her this long and are painful enough for her to destroy whole rooms as a result of them. 

These are not the worst memories she has of her siblings; rather, they are simply the first to come to mind. Her siblings did far, far worse things to her as a kid, but for some reason, she remembers the mildest ones as she walks through the Academy. 

Personally, I think the first option is more likely. Vanya has spent the entire series ascribing the worst possible motives to her siblings’ actions, even when those actions were either friendly or unintentionally exclusionary; and since she’s already in a heightened emotional state, it seems odd that her mind would move to the mildest memories of their alleged bullying when far worse ones exist. Additionally, the one her mind dredges up about Reginald is pretty awful, so it seems her mind would go for memories of her siblings it considers equal to that of Reginald. 

In other words, I think Vanya is an unreliable narrator when it comes to the suffering her siblings inflicted upon her, and I think this scene is evidence of that. 

I don’t think she is fabricating events out of thin air, and I don’t think she’s twisting details regarding her siblings. When she’s storming out of the Academy, ranting to Leonard about how “nothing is good enough next to their holier-than-thou, weight-of-the-world bullshit,” Vanya doesn’t fabricate snatches of conversation and pass them off as fact. She doesn’t change anything about the details of what happened. She does ascribe motive, and the worst possible motive at that. She does the same thing after Allison’s confession: Rather than presenting an entirely new version of events where Allison tosses off some parting shot (”That’s for taking Dad away from me” or some such) Vanya instead presents her own interpretation of events that directly counters Allison’s recollection of her own motives. 

I believe Vanya is doing a similar thing here. I think the events she is hallucinating actually happened. I do think she walked in on Allison and Luther about to kiss, had Diego rudely rebuff her when she entered without knocking, and heard Ben say she couldn’t go on a mission without a power. But I think her interpretation of them is wildly inaccurate—that is to say, she is assuming that these rejections of her presence were an intentional and willful rejection of her as a person and a member of the family; when in reality, they were actually something far more mundane and, while perhaps not quite benign, not actively malicious. 

I do think her siblings participated, to some extent, in Reginald’s exclusion of her. In an earlier episode, we see Allison confronted with this fact as she witnesses Vanya in the security tapes, always off by herself while she and the others went about their training. Allison is surprised and saddened by this. If she participated in an intentional conspiracy to exclude Vanya, I think she would have made some excuse for it (“Well, she didn’t have a power, so what were we supposed to do? Let her play with us and get herself killed?”). Instead, she is disgusted by the actions she took as a child—actions she evidently didn’t put much thought into at the time. 

I think this is at the root of Vanya’s exclusion: Her siblings did exclude her. They didn’t fight back against Reginald’s cruelty toward her, and they didn’t make a lot of effort to try and include her in their daily activities. However, they didn’t do so out of malice, or even a dislike for Vanya. 

In some branches of Christianity, theologians differentiate between sins of commission and sins of omission. A sin of commission is a conscious choice to do something you know is wrong. You choose to steal. You choose to fudge your taxes. You choose to gossip about a person you don’t like. A sin of omission, on the other hand, is a failure to do what you know is right. You don't go to church. You don’t listen to sound advice. You don’t reach out to someone who desperately needs a friend. I may have some quibbles with Christianity now, but I think this principle is a sound one.** 

From all the evidence we have, it seems Vanya’s siblings excluded her in an act of omission. They knew it was right to include her in more than their late-night donut runs, but they didn’t. Maybe they meant to do it and never did. Maybe they were too afraid of Reginald to reach out. Whatever the case, they should have tried to make her feel like a sibling and not a stranger, and they didn’t. 

Vanya, however, sees this act of omission as an act of commission. Where her siblings know it was tragic oversight that led to a childhood of exclusion, Vanya sees it as intentional. Complicating matters is the fact Reginald’s treatment of her was an act of commission, of willful cruelty and a desire to punish her for something beyond her control. Because her siblings were closer to Reginald than Vanya ever was, and because they too excluded her, I think she came to believe they possessed the same motives as he. This isn’t true, but Vanya has believed it for so long that she now sees every act of omission as an act of commission, and every act of commission as monstrous and unforgivable—even when the person sinning against her is working off of incomplete knowledge and a desire to protect others. 

Running count of trauma mentions (cumulative of all episodes thus far)

Own Trauma: Vanya 11*, Luther 11

Trauma of Others: Vanya 5, Luther 5

*I could count the montage where Vanya wanders through the Academy as a trauma mention, but since she doesn’t technically talk about it to anyone—and in fact, no one sees it but her—it doesn’t quite fit the criteria I used to include Luther’s mutation and exclude Vanya’s book. However, I felt it was crucial to my overall analysis, so I included it in that. 

**I have nothing against it as a religion. If you consider yourself a Christian, great! I think it’s a good faith, and I’m glad it works for you. It just didn’t work for me. 

Read on to Part Ten

[sagebaileyspeaks]

I put this at the end of all my Pink Diamond / Rose Quartz related posts, but for those who just refuse to read: 

From, A Final Word About Pink Diamond, Perpetual Abuser: 

When the movie first aired I said that Rose/Pink was objectively terrible and didn’t learn empathy until the last twenty to thirty years of her life and while I do believe she learned to love Greg and would’ve loved Steven, learning empathy in the last thirty years  - out of thousands of years where you did fucked up shit - does not equal a redemption arc. It doesn’t equal growth, it doesn’t equal change especially considering that at this point she is still actively LYING to the Gems.

Is she complicated? Yes. Is she flat out evil? No. But call a spade a spade and stop trying to excuse abuse just because something good came out of it. You can’t make amends to everyone your toxic behavior has ever hurt, but when things are within your control and you still refuse to make those choices (PEARL. BISMUTH. THE LYING) then I’m not going to sit here and call you a good person because you aren’t. Pink Diamond was not a good person. Her legacy is one of lies, trauma and abuse.

From: Final Final Thoughts:

In terms of Spinel, in the same way, that abuse does not excuse Pink Diamond’s choices; abuse does not entitle Spinel to everything she wants. And I need to be perfectly clear here: when Steven tells Spinel she can love again, she just decides that it’ll be Steven to love her and when he shows priority to himself and his friends, she flips. It’s understandable why she flips. However, being abandoned by Pink does not mean that she is entitled to Steven’s love, friendship, attention, etc. 

From: Final Thoughts Pt. 3:

After five seasons, I really do think “Love Like You” is from the perspective of Rose to Greg because after a dozen millennium of being a shit person she was finally willing to learn how to be better. I truly believe Rose loved Greg. I do. I think forcing her to reflect on how she treated people was something that desperately needed to happen and it just sucks that it happened so late in her life. 

Abuse does not excuse becoming an abuser and while I recognize that in the latter part of her life she genuinely did try to become better it’s not…enough. People have to heal their own scars and take responsibility for their growths as people but you also have to take responsibility when you’ve caused scars and that’s fundamentally my problem with Rose. She’s a selfish person who never really stopped to think about the damage she left on others and she certainly never tried to make it right. She just kept moving forward in her own life eventually attempting to become a better person and it’s not enough. Which is where she ultimately fails. 

From: An Untitled Post:

And that’s what Rose ultimately was - a selfish person. I don’t get the sense that Rose actually cared about the Earth and its inhabitants (see: We Need To Talk, Your Mother and Mine) being on Earth was just more fun to her than being a Diamond. She wanted to explore, have relations with organic life, give birth to a human, almost everything Rose did was about fulfilling her own needs. Including forcing Pearl to lie so that no one would turn on her. She created a whole new being who would have to fix her mistakes. Every piece of trauma that our beloved Gems have faced is because of HER.

And something good (Garnet, Steven, etc) coming out of a messed up situation does not negate that there was a messed up situation. What’s worse is that in this class system of Gems, Rose left Homeworld, came to Earth and then created a new hierarchy and put herself on top. She made herself out to be the voice of the oppressed, the liberator of the working class instead of being honest to her subjects and using her position of power to say, “This is wrong.”

[liaroflesbos]

so i’ve been wondering for a while what the point was of the fairy tale that we get Sarah telling Juno and Benten in “The Monster’s Reflection, Pt 3″ about the sirens which sing sadly as their freedom is curtailed despite the fact that their overlord gifts them the beautiful things they sing about. Because clearly, it has to mean something. Otherwise it’s too long and odd of an inclusion in the very tight and deeply revelatory three-parter digging literally into Juno’s psyche.

i think i’ve finally figured out what this story is supposed to allegorically represent: the fundamental issues of O’Flaherty/Jack’s need to control people for their own good.

On the small scale of the drama between Jack and Sarah Steel, we see this played out in Jack’s assumption that everything will work out for the best if he steals Sarah’s work because: a) she cannot handle the responsibility of being the only writer at North Star and b) he can just give her the money needed to support herself when he makes a success out of her work.

Even as an elderly man long after this drama has played itself out, we can hear O’Flaherty’s frustration and lack of understanding for why Sarah didn’t accept the money to support herself--the money that would’ve made everything he did alright. O’Flaherty doesn’t understand that Sarah would never have accepted money in exchange for the beautiful thing she invented, a beautiful thing that it became clear that O’Flaherty doesn’t understand when the movies he makes not based on Sarah’s work flop.

O’Flaherty thought that if he could figure out the most utilitarian way to act, to make everyone happy, then it was any means necessary, any stealing of freedom and authenticity necessary, in order to make the world its optimal, “happiest” version. That’s how he can steal Sarah’s work, get her fired, for the good of the company and all the people who work there, and think Sarah will just accept his money.

On the large scale, we see this sacrificial utilitarianism in his plan for the people Hyperion city as enacted in a test run on the denizens of Old Town (namely, Mickey). Both the audience and Juno can’t help but feel that maybe these chips controlling people (like Juno’s once eye) really are the best options for people like Mickey. If they help him decide to curtail his dangerous behavior and live a happier life, that he legitimately feels happier about, isn’t that enough? Isn’t that what we all want, a society where we can’t harm ourselves and each other?

But this thinking ignores that life isn’t worth living, or at least aren’t human, if things aren’t choices, aren’t a free part of the world. We’ve always been singing about butterflies, but being given a shitton of butterflies in our nice cage doesn’t make our songs come true. Because those butterflies, that happiness, isn’t something we struggled and fought and grasped blindly towards.

I hope this all makes sense? Sometimes things become less clear as I put them down. maybe I’ll retry this meta later, although I certainly have several other meta in me about S2 of Juno Steel. Although before I go, I’d also like to point out that the clearest indication that O’Flaherty is full of shit in his argument is that he never attempts to put himself under control of the Thea System, that he always trusts his own judgement first and foremost, that he assumes that he’s the only one who doesn’t need outside control. Juno may love him, but he was in some ways a selfish coward, unable to let anyone vulnerably in to challenge  him until it was too late.