#on thursday i went to like 4 stores and was looking for coffee (dad didn’t remember the name) and rotisserie chicken for my dad and his

[lilgynt]

anyway yesterday i had this huge break down like sobbing screaming throwing my self on the floor the whole 9 yards and it sounds like outtakes from the midsummer scene and any guess what started it. my dad asked me to buy rotisserie chicken

[manorpunk]

(part three)

Tucked away in a sleepy corner of central Michigan, an abandoned mall had been transformed into the town of Webersberg. The crumbling ceiling above the concourses had been stripped, making a cluster of closely-packed buildings, and the expansive walkways exposed to the elements were now lined with trees and raised gardens. The empty boutiques had been repurposed into dormitories, offices, a clinic, a school, and a few simple stores. There was something humbling about it, like a medieval village sheltered beneath the ruins of a Roman basilica. One might wonder if the mall was happier now in its new incarnation, if it preferred to be filled with life rather than than gold.

Liam did not wonder. He lived there, and he found it stultifying. He hated living in a fishbowl, always going to the same places with the same people, few of whom cared to give him the time of day. He hated knowing that there was a whole world out there and he was stuck out in the manors[1]. He hated the maudlin isolation of being the only queer kid who hadn’t gotten the hell out of Webersberg, and most of all he hated knowing that he could get out too if he wasn’t a coward.

He had this conversation with himself every morning, and he knew that if he stayed in bed he’d just keep moping. He got up from his creaky mattress and turned toward the plywood dresser next to his bed. He took the small mirror that was sitting on top and looked at himself. He was on the pale side of white, with thin shoulders and scruffy black hair.[2] After a failed attempt to smooth down his bed-head, he set the mirror down and pulled out the top drawer of the dresser.

Tucked in the corner of the drawer behind neatly-folded socks and underwear, there was a small bottle of black nail polish that he had picked up from a GLN dole[3] a few months ago. Women usually snatched up all the cosmetics, so he was excited to get something for himself. He had daydreamed about putting it on, but there it sat, unopened and gathering dust.

There was a knock at the door. It was his father, Roy. “Liam! You decent?”

“Gimme a minute,” Liam called back. He grabbed some clothes - jeans and a plain t-shirt, clothing as neutral as water - and threw them on.

“Alright, what’s up?”

His father opened the door, grinning wide. “You good to work at the diner today?”

“It’s Thursday, isn’t it?”

“It sure is, and there’s gonna be a road-and-rail crew[4] stopping by for the day. You know what that means.”

To his dad, it meant money. His dad managed the local Denny’s, which meant that he had tricked himself into believing he was a pillar of the community, and not just another petty grinder.

“It means I’ll get harassed by drunk shitheads all day. Great. Fun,” Liam groaned. He looked at his dad, hoping for something, something like ‘I understand you don’t like it but I need the extra help,’ or ‘sorry to impose on you.’ Liam was only twenty years old and still naive like that.

“So you good to go?” his dad said.

Liam rubbed his forehead. In truth, he really didn’t have much else to do, and didn’t have any friends to hang out with. At least he wouldn’t be alone all day if he was at work. Plus, he kind of liked wearing the apron.

“Fine, whatever,” he said, feeling like he had lost a battle against himself.

The place wasn’t exactly bustling when he got there. It was still morning, and the only people there were a few old couples having breakfast, along with Kieth, the already-high line cook, nursing a cup of coffee.

“Hey dude. You alright?” Kieth asked, following Liam as he went into the kitchen.

“What gave it away?” Liam sighed.

Kieth shook his head. “I just felt your vibes. You’ve got the sads all around you. Anyway, I got some news I think’ll cheer you up. Guess who’s coming to town?”

Liam tried, but couldn’t even think of a good guess. “Who?”

“Fuckin JMR, dude.”

Liam’s sleepy eyes snapped wide open. He was suddenly breathless with excitement, so excited that his voice got higher and thinner. “Seriously?”

Keith nodded. Liam let out an excited squeak, then heard his father clear his throat behind him. He whirled around, already guessing what was coming, and his beaming smile twisted down into a rebellious frown.

“Now, son. You know how your mom feels about that man.”

“My mom thinks I’ll stop being a fag if I don’t meet other fags,” Liam spat. The words seem to burst out of him, he didn’t say them so much as he failed to keep them bottled up.

“Whoa, that’s heavy,” Kieth said.

“Kieth, shut up. Liam, listen. It’s not like that. It’s for your own protection. That man is a creep and a pervert, he-“

“God, spare me,” Liam huffed. He had finally run out of patience. His body trembled with adrenaline and pent-up anger, and it felt intoxicatingly good. “It’s all about ‘toughening me up’ and ‘making me a man’ until there’s another gay person around and then suddenly I need to be ‘protected.’ Just be honest and say you wish I wasn’t a queer.”

Kieth discreetly sipped his coffee. Roy pursed his lips and took deep, silent breaths. As far as Liam was concerned, it was an admission of guilt.

“Well? Anything to say for yourself?” Liam said.

“Hark!” A voice suddenly boomed from the dining area. It was a deep, smooth, commanding voice, the type of voice fit for a starship captain.

A man had just entered the Denny’s, a man with tan skin and dirty blond hair dressed in deliriously fancy clothing. He wore an aristocratic embroidered blue jacket with epaulets, tall black boots with stiletto heels, and form-fitting white riding pants of the style sometimes known as jodhpurs. His hair, soft and well-cared for even from a distance, was pulled back in a simple ponytail, and a short and neatly trimmed beard lined his face. Hitched to his belt, an ornate saber rested in its scabbard. He looked like an old cavalry officer or Prussian aristocrat who had somehow stumbled into the year 206X, and his name was Jacob Martin Rider - JMR for short.

○○○○○

[1] ‘The manors’ is a slang term for rural areas which are generally too distant and sparsely-populated to be under the full purview of the central state authority; places where heaven is high and the emperor is far away, cf. The sticks, the boonies, the peasants, etc.

[2] You didn’t hear it from us but he looks a little like the doomer boy wojak.

[3] The ‘GLN dole’ refers to the Global Logistics Network’s practice of buying up unwanted consumer goods from distributors and distributing it amongst the manors. This effectively acts as a subsidy for (GLN-owned) distributors and lets them pretend that they’re still serious about wealth redistribution. Everyone involved wins and the GLN is duly thanked for its beneficence.

[4] Road-and-rail crews are itinerant laborers sent off to the middle of nowhere to dig up disused highways and lay down new railroad lines, hence the name. The work is physically demanding and socially isolating, but well-compensated. They have the typical reputation one would expect of itinerant laborers, i.e. drunken trouble-making shitkickers.

[itsclydebitches]

Discredit Pt. 2: More Recommended Reviews For A.Z. Fell’s

Alright, folks. Some notes first: 

1. You all rock. I’m sending out 20k+ virtual hugs for all the notes I NEVER expected to get on this nonsense. 

2. This is probably the final section, just because I’m not sure I can adequately follow up part one and it might be foolish to attempt it here. Let alone twice. But for now, here we go. 

3. Kudos to the anon who reminded me of Aziraphale’s cash-only policy <3 

4. Nicole Y’s review is based off an actual comment I read years ago, but heaven only knows where online it was. I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. 

5. Trigger warning for the use of a queer slur in this. It’s the same review as above, number 5 if you want to avoid it. 

6. There’s a text-only version of just the reviews at the end, after all the images. I’ll upload that to my Sparse Clutter collection on AO3 in a bit. 

Bonus 7. People thinking this is a real shop deserve all the good things in this world. 

That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoy! 👍

****************************************************************************

I’m a simple guy who likes simple jokes. If there’s a whoopee cushion I plant it. I will call you up to ask if your refrigerator is running and then tell you to go catch it. (Actually that one died out so thoroughly it’s actually capable of a comeback now!). Yes, I’m a dad and yes, I have a t-shirt that says Dad Jokes? I Think You Mean Rad Jokes! which I wear un-ironically every Saturday. All of which is just to say that my wife was well prepared for my stupidity when I walked into Fell’s.

I? I was not.

You see the bibles when you walk in? The ones to the left? Let them be. Don’t even look at them. Definitely don’t pick out the fanciest one you can find and absolutely don’t walk up to the owner with it held in your pudgy little fingers, grinning like a loon, cheerfully asking whether this should be in the fiction section. Just don’t. Mark my words you’ll regret it. Though your wife won’t. She’ll get a great old laugh out of it all.

In conclusion: it’s quite possible that mama did raise a fool and he just got his ass verbally whooped by a guy in a bowtie.  

***

Shout-out to Mr. Fell for being the only decent bloke in this city. I’ve popped in and out of his store for years—including before I started transitioning. So he knew my dead name, dead look, whole shebang and I was definitely nervous to play the ‘You know me, but this is what’s changed and are you gonna throw a fit about it?’ game.

You know what he said? “Oh, Rose! What a lovely choice. Crowley dear, why aren’t you growing any roses? Some white ones would look splendid next to my Henredon chair.”

That’s it. He just went straight into dragging his partner for not giving him roses. So hey, Mom? Next time you’re snooping through my social media why don’t you explain to all these nice people why the 50+yo book seller accepts me in ways you won’t. Don’t go telling me age is an excuse or that you’re ‘Stuck in your ways.’ I’ve watched Fell dress in the same damn clothes since I was ten!!

Yeah. Sorry. Rant over. Fell’s a gem. That’s my take. Rose out.

***

Anyone else in the shop when that guy started yelling about buying pornography? And then got escorted into the back room for some ‘private conversation’? Well done, Mr. Fell! Didn’t know you had it in you.

***

Alright alright alright alright I am TOTALLY calm about this.

Went into A.Z. Fell’s last Thursday. Not because I knew anything about the place. Just because I’ve been hitting up every bookshop within a twenty-mile radius, asking if they’re hosting any book signings. Long story short I self-published my novel Blight last month—which you can get for a mere £5 here but I swear this isn’t a promotional thing I’m just BROKE—and have been looking for networking opportunities, tips, stuff like that. So the owner listened politely as I explained all this. Then said he didn’t do anything of that sort, which didn’t surprise me given the shop’s vibe.

But then? Then??? He offered to let me do a signing there??????

As said. Totally calm about this. This man either plans to kidnap me or is actually giving me my first shot at an audience outside my blog. AKA totally worth the risk.

Tuesday the 9th. 7:00pm. Just in case anyone’s interested ;)

***

holy sweet baby jesus i was tripping balls last week you tryin’ to tell me that kING KONG SIZED FANGED FUCK SNAKE IS REAL

***

Witnessed the most perfect exchange the other day:

Grumpy Dude With No Manners: “You. Boy. Where’s the man I spoke with over the phone?”

Mr. Fell’s Partner Who Knows Damn Well Only Two of Them Work There But Clearly Doesn’t Like This Guy’s Tone: “Did this man give you his name?”

Grumpy Dude: “Might have. Don’t remember. Sounded like a fairy though.”

Me: “....”

My girlfriend: “....”

This Poor Sweet Startled Kid On Our Left: “?!?!?!?”

Fell’s Partner In The Drollest Voice I’ve Ever Heard: “None of us have wings. Out!”

***

This shop gets full stars simply because every time I walk in they’re playing Queen.

I mean, I’ve walked in once, but once is enough when you’ve got Crazy Little Thing Called Love blasting full volume.

***

Okay, I’m still kind of shaken up but I needed to write this out somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any.

I spilled my latte on a book. Just tripped on thin air, popped the lid, and chucked a venti’s worth of coffee all over a very expensive looking text. I didn’t mean to, obviously, but it happened and I just started bawling on the spot. Full on sobs because this semester has been absolute hell, I ruined this guy’s antique, there’s no way I can pay for it, I can’t even sneak away because I’m drawing the whole store’s attention...just all the things all at once. I really was straight up panicking and was seconds away from pulling out my inhaler. I couldn’t breathe.

And then Mr. Fell showed up.

Jesus it’s embarrassing to admit but I think I hit him once or twice. On the arms I mean, because he was trying to touch me and I figured, I don’t know, it was a restraint or something. He was going to call the police and hold me until they got there. But then he managed to start rubbing my back and I lost it like I hadn’t already been bawling my eyes out in this shop. Ever cry into a perfect stranger’s chest? I have! But if Mr. Fell seemed to mind he definitely didn’t show it. Just kept holding me while I probably ruined his shirt and then took me into the back and made me a new coffee in this cute little angel mug. He let me stay there while I called my sister and waited for her to arrive.

She’s a good twenty minutes outside of Soho, so we talked for a while. It’s not like Mr. Fell could fix my shit roommate or bio classes, but I guess just talking about it all really helped. I was a lot calmer by the time my sis arrived and Mr. Fell insisted I come back any time I wanted—for browsing or more coffee.

Of course, sis offered to pay for the book herself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so surprised in my life. “Certainly not!” he said. “Contrary to popular belief, no one should pay for their mistakes. It’s what makes you all so wonderfully human.”

So yeah. Thanks, Mr. Fell.

***

This little shop must have started a book club for kids! Lately I’ve seen the same group of children hanging out at Fell’s. Three boys and a girl. They’re a bit rambunctious at times, but who isn’t at that age? So wonderful seeing literature passed down to the next generation. Even if some of it is rather questionable looking...

***

It’s an honest crime that more of you aren’t talking about what a wonderful bookstore this is.

I’m a book lover at heart and Fell’s always makes me feel like I’m coming home. I just arrived somewhere safe and familiar after a particularly harrowing day. I’ve slipped under the covers of my bed after dinner and a bubble bath. It’s something like that, but with an element of surprise too. One of the reasons why I adore private and used shops over chain stores is that little touch of chaos. You walk in and sure, there are general sections to browse, but everything is just a little bit disorganized from people leafing through books and then putting them back somewhere else. There’s no real record keeping, you’ve just gotta head to one particular corner and hope for the best. It’s not the sort of place you go to if you want something specific because the chances of them having it are slim—that’s just how the universe works—and even if they did no employee knows where it is anymore.

But if you wander the shelves for a while, crouch down low to get a look at everything on the bottom shelf, pay attention to the books that don’t have easy to read titles or any summaries to speak of... you just might find something you didn’t know you were looking for. That’s Fell’s: the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the unknown.

*** A lot of people might assume that these stories are embellished or outright made up, but as a bookseller myself going on twenty years I believe every single one of them.

That being said, I accidentally moved a rug and found chalk sigils that look like they belong in a cult. Make of that what you will.

***

There’s a special place in hell for 21st century shop owners that only take cash. Who carries cash anymore? Not me! I haven’t bothered with that nonsense in years! You can get a card reader for 15 pounds on Amazon. Or you know what? Be stingy and pay 7 for the little attachment on your phone. This place is nuts if it thinks it’s going to survive much longer on a cash-only policy, especially with some books that look like they’re worth hundreds or thousands of pounds! Yeah, yeah, just let me pull out this giant wad of bills for you. I’ll carry them around a crime-laden city because there’s no ATM near you either.

I mean jesus, you’d think this guy didn’t want to sell anything.

***

I walked in. There was a man screaming at a fern while another threatened him with an umbrella. I walked out.

5 stars do recommend.

***

I once walked in on the same (?) guy yelling at a book for daring to fall on the owner’s head. I think that’s just a Thing over there.

***

Like a lot of people here I didn’t actually go to Fell’s for any books (flat tire, Angel Recovery taking forever) and ended up staying three hours (not because of Angel). No, I wandered towards the back and found this ancient CRT set propped on a table of books, the kind that my Dad used to watch Twilight Zone on. This lanky guy had a marathon of Gilmore Girls going... though how he was managing that with a broken antenna and no DVR, I really don’t know. But yeah. He told me to pull up a chair and I did. Guy gave me popcorn.

I wish I’d paid a little more attention to his name. Charlie? Curley? I really can’t remember, but thanks for the enjoyable afternoon, man.

***

I BOUGHT A BOOK HERE

Not sure how though. Just kinda happened. First edition of Just William. Frankly I didn’t even want the thing, but the owner basically shoved me out the door with it when I took two seconds to look at the spine. Odd that he was so willing to part with this one.

Update: ... hold up. I didn’t buy a book because I never actually paid the guy. ‘Basically shoved me out the door’ was literal. Do I go back??

***

This page has really gone feral the last couple of months so I’m just gonna bite the bullet and say it:

Anyone notice that Fell’s snake and Fell’s partner are never in the same room together?

***

I really don’t like the implications of this…

***

This is precisely why the Internet has turned into a cesspool. You all should be ashamed of some of the stuff you’re writing here. Can’t two men just be friends anymore? Two real life men? These guys aren’t some characters for you to ‘ship’ or whatever. Quit making outrageous assumptions about their sexualities and use this website for what it’s actually for: reviewing the bookshop. Honestly I’m so sick of this sort of this shit.

***

Dude. They run a queer-focused shop together with a flat on the second floor. Fell calls the guy ‘Dear’ and he’s always calling him ‘Angel.’ People have literally seen them kissing. If you want I can give you the number of my physician. He might be able to help you pull your head out of your ass.

***

What the hell is your problem? I’m literally just reminding people to stop making assumptions. It’s gross and insulting. These guys check their Yelp page. You really think they’re gonna be okay with this stuff?

Also: I’m not the five-year-old relying on insults, so.

***

Making an account purely to set the record straight: I’m the hot twink in question and I married that angel. Peace

[fletchphoenix]

Families Are Overrated

Chapter 2 of the Varigo Coffee Shop AU! 

Wow, an update today and yesterday! I’m absolutely loving this story and writing it, so I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do. Unfortunately, I start school soon so the schedule will most likely have to change (as much as I don’t want it to.)

Word Count - 3,705 

TW - Panic Attacks, Strong Language

--------------------------------------

Although it was only Wednesday, Thursday felt as though it was decades away. Up until now, the days had dragged on and on and on. In all honesty, Varian thought the universe itself was extending the length of each day just to taunt him. They all just seemed to merge together no matter what he did to take up his time, it never seemed to speed up. “Why can’t Thursday just hurry up…?” The raven haired boy thought as he picked up his backpack and headed out of the chemistry labs, tucking a strand of hair that had fallen into his face behind his ear and descending the stairs towards the town library.

  Corona was a rather large town, with most streets littered with stores, houses and parks. Oddly, it was almost always unbelievably sunny, the aforementioned rays of the blinding light burning his eyes as he remained on course to the building, causing him to be suddenly very interested in the floor. The town was rather peaceful and beautiful too in terms of crime and layout - though, he did live in the less beautiful, more run-down faction of the city called Old Corona, and ANY town would be better than Old Corona when it comes to crime rates or general beauty. 

  After around 10 minutes of walking, he found himself outside of the doors he knew so well - the doors to the Coronan Library. His mom used to joke, always calling it the “Eternal Library” because of its tremendous size. Before her and his dad split up. He missed her a lot. He let out a sigh at the unwanted memory and stepped forward. Instantly after he’d pushed open the heavy, oak doors, a tiny boy ran and wrapped his arms around his waist with a wide smile on his face. Varian let out a chuckle and leant down to ruffle his hair, prying the younger boy off him and heading to a 3 seating spruce table in the middle of the room. Various books, pens and stationary were littered about the surface with the wood underneath barely even visible at most points. Yong eagerly ran to take his seat, jittering in excitement. He could swear that kid was just a bundle of energy - somehow always able to run around or be doing something. 

  “Took you long enough. I was starting to think you bailed.” A voice rang out as he took his place at the table. He didn’t even have to look at her to know who it was, a distinct hair clip with a star on it made it very clear to him. Nuru looked at him, a smirk on her face and her eyebrow raised with her NASA shirt being covered by a violet bomber jacket. Her jeans were cuffed and little scribbles that were drawn in pen were dotted here and there. Sneakers that were the same colour as her jacket only just fell short of her ankle, black socks with stars peeking out of them only just visible from the top. He dramatically sighed and feigned annoyance, a mock expression of the emotion on his face while he flopped back into his chair.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry Nuru. I got sidetracked - that’s all. So, how are you today, Yong?” He questioned, finally taking time to look over at the boy sitting beside him. Covering him was a crimson hoodie - judging by the way it dwarfed him in size, it was his older brother’s that was given to him as a hand me down or some sort of gift. It was kind of cute - a ghost of a smile appearing on his face. On his feet were some worn, gold and red converse that were laced ridiculously tight, also a hand-me-down. A childish smile was on his face as he looked up at Varian.

  “I’m fine! We learnt about astronomy today and calculating percentage composition! We got assigned some questions though and I didn’t understand the equation…” He mumbled the last part and leant against the table, before pulling 2 notebooks out of his bag. “Is it okay if you two can help me with my homework though? Just so I can understand it better and stuff. You explain it really well.” 

  “Sure we can, buddy.” Varian replied and shuffled closer to him. “So the equation for percentage mass is the mass of the desired elements divided by the gram formula mass, and then multiply it by 100%, but you know that, right?” He paused, waiting for a nod of confirmation which he promptly got before continuing with his explanation. “So the question is to calculate the percentage composition of ammonium nitrate fertilizer. Right? So, the first step is to write out the formula,” he paused once again to allow Yong to follow his instructions, the younger boy giving a thumbs up when he was done. “Great. So then you need to work out the gram formula mass which is…?” 

  Yong stared at the paper quietly, leaning forward and holding his pen before chewing the lid.  “So it’s 14 add 4 add 14 add 48, so that’s gonna be...80?” he questioned, looking over at Varian and his face lighting up when he gave a nod of approval. 

  “So then,” Varian added, “You need to do 14 divided by 2 multiplied by 100 to get the percentage of Nitrogen, then 4 divided by 80 and multiplied by 100 to get the percentage of hydrogen and finally 48 divided by 80 and multiplied by 100 to get the percentage of oxygen!” Varian concluded, smiling as Yong handed over his finished work. The older boy glanced over it, double checking before handing the worksheet back with a satisfied hum. “All correct! Well done, bud.”

  At that news, Yong gave a little cheer, moving over to Nuru and showing off his work, Varian sitting back as he watched the heartwarming scene from afar. He seemed so proud of himself, and he had every right to be. Still, after his little adrenaline rush, Nuru sat him down and listened attentively as Yong talked extensively about his astronomy homework. Satisfied that his job was done, Varian gazed out of the window. Hm. Still abnormally sunny - as per usual.

  A slight breeze made its way through the library as the door creaked open, prompting Varian to divert his attention towards it. He regretted it immediately. Standing in the doorway was none other than Hugo. He was wearing a green hoodie with jeans...god, he looked so good in green. Heat started to build in his face as he moved to look away from the older boy, his hands fidgeting in his lap and the tips of his ears turning red the longer he looked at him. He silently prayed Nuru and Yong hadn’t noticed...but the universe had other plans in its mission to screw him over.

  “Varian, are you okay? Your face is red. Are you too warm? Do you want me to ask the librarian to turn the fan on?” inquired Yong, already standing and beginning to walk away. Varian groaned and sunk back further into his chair, covering his still red face with his hands. Oh my god, why did he have to be here? He grimaced as the sound of Nuru’s laughter gradually got louder. “What.” he questioned, not daring to look up and betray just how flustered he was. This, however, only caused her to laugh even harder. 

    “Nothing! I just can’t believe Varian Ruddiger, my best friend, is simping for Hugo Atkinson aka one of the biggest playboys in human existence! It’s simply unbelievable!” Nuru cackled, Varian swiftly lunging and covering her mouth with his hand. 

  “Shut the fuck up, Nuru! If he even hears you!-” he flushed red as his eyes met Hugo’s from across the room. A smirk tugged at the corners of the blonde’s lips and he shot the younger boy a wink, bursting out into uncontrollable laughter as the other’s face went even redder (as if that was even possible) and he frantically tried to compose himself. Varian hurriedly stood up, shoving books into his bag and pushing the blue streak of hair out of his line of sight.

  “Oh would you look at the time! Eugene will be here to pick me up any minute now!” he declared rather loudly. The librarian looked up from her position behind the counter and shushed him, her eyes rolling as he repeatedly apologised. Cooling air hit his face as he dashed out of the library, passing Hugo at a speed he himself didn’t know he could reach. It was the relief he desperately needed - the flush of his face calming down and slowly retreating. Why was he so awkward? A blaring horn bought him back to reality, courtesy of his unofficial sister’s boyfriend. Involuntarily, he winced and stumbled back, bringing his hands up to cover his ears.

  “Hey Var! C’mon!” Eugene called out, a wide smile on his face as he waved him over. With a groan, Varian headed over and opened the door. He slumped into the passenger’s seat, fingers moving to roll down the window and allow the breeze to hit his face as Eugene drove. Varian silently observed the houses and stores as they sped past, steadily being swapped out with parks and fields leading up to his sister’s house.

  It always went like this ever since his mom left. On Wednesdays, Eugene would pick him up from his tutoring job and he’d go over to the couple’s house for dinner, before Eugene would drive him back home to Old Corona. Routine. A snug routine that no one disagreed with. They sat in a pleasant silence before the brunette decided to speak up.

  “So uh..how was your day, kiddo?” he implored, taking a second to glance over at the smaller boy as he stared out of the car window, charcoal locks blowing wildly in the wind, with the blue streaks still clearly defined. The response was a nod and faint hum as the boy kept his focus on the landscape beside them. The brunette bit his lip and relented on the questions. Clearly he wasn’t fine then.

  The ivory car pulled in outside of the small, ivy-walled cottage, both boys exiting the car after it had been parked. “There we go, Maximus. Good job.” Eugene mumbled under his breath, giving the hood a gentle tap before striding towards the wooden door and opening it. “Blondie! We’re here!” he exclaimed as the blonde-haired woman bounded out into the hallway, sprinting outside to pull the younger boy into a rib-crushing hug as her fiancé watched on in amusement. 

  “Varian! Hey!” she beamed as she took his wrist in a vice-like grip and pulled him along into the cottage. “It’s so good to see you! Cass, Lance and the girls are in the living room if you want to go see them!” Huh. Cass? That was new. Last thing he heard was that she was travelling the world after finishing her course at university. He put on the widest smile he could and slid open the sitting room’s door.

  Cassandra, Lance, Keira and Catalina all looked up from where they were sitting and waved. Varian made his way over to Cass, settling down beside her and allowing her to pull him into a side hug. “Hey co lady-in-waiting.” she chuckled and ruffled his hair. “How are you? How long has it been- what, 4 years?” 

  “Yep. 4 years.” Lance chimed in from his perch on the matching lilac sofa, a wide grin on his face as Cass tossed a pillow at him. Much to her dismay, he caught it and threw it right back at them. It hit Cass square in the face, her letting out a gasp of surprise and falling back against the plush cushions dotted all over the couch. The black haired boy let out a snort of laughter, covering his mouth and trying to suppress the small giggles that kept leaving his mouth. “I’m-oh fuck hold on,” he barely managed to pass the words through his lips, still in a fit of laughter. He took a deep breath. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. “That’s better. I’m fine. Studying chemistry at Corona University now.” he replied with a grin and leant against her, letting her warmth engulf him once again. 

  “No fuckin’ way. You’re a uni kid now?” she sat bolt upright, turning to look at him with wide eyes before resuming her original position. “Shit..it's been way too long since I’ve been here.” she let out a breathy laugh and looked down.

  “DINNER’S READY!” Rapunzel’s voice cried out from the kitchen, summoning everyone to sit down at the table. The meal of choice was a simple spaghetti, served on a purple porcelain plate. After settling everyone down, Rapunzel distributed the food. It was all going well, in all honesty. Everyone was talking about various topics: Eugene and Lance’s promotions, Kiera and Catalina joining high school soon, where Cass was travelling..that was until that all important question was asked - the one Varian dreaded the most.

  “So Varian,” Catalina asked innocently, looking up at him. “Have you got a girlfriend yet?”

  Varian froze, spoon raised to his mouth before dropping it back onto the plate. “I-I’m sorry, what?” he stuttered out, an awkward, forced smile taking over his face. Oh god, why were they asking this?

  “Yeah V, do you have a girlfriend?” Kiera repeated her sister’s question, her interest seemingly peaked by his response.

  Oh. Oh. Of course this question would come up eventually. Fuck. He’d never had a girlfriend in his life! The only girl who he’d ever had a crush on was Cassandra! What did he even like about girls? He tried to think back on all of his previous crushes..Flynn Rider, Cassandra, Vex (for about 2 minutes), and finally...Hugo.

   His mind drifted to Hugo much to his displeasure. To the wink at the library, the extensive texting sessions, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about...his sharp and defined features..his lips. He wondered how they’d taste..probably like cherries. Oh, he’d do anything to kiss Hugo-wait what? His face, for the umpteenth time flushed bright red as he narrowed his eyes to stare at the table cloth. “Um-no. No I don’t-” he began to protest before the others interrupted him again.

  “Aw, really? Our lovable Varian Ruddiger hasn’t captured the hearts of all the ladies he’s ever laid eyes on? I don’t believe it!” Cass exclaimed, taking a sip of the lemonade Rapunzel had made earlier. “Beautiful lemonade, by the way Raps. Good stuff.”

  “Yeah, especially when his brother-in-law is the infamous playboy Flynn Rider!” Lance pointed out with a vast smile on his face. “And Cass is right, this lemonade is the best I’ve ever had, Rapunzel.”

  “Look guys, can we just-stop talking about my relationship status?” Varian pleaded, his hands resting on the table and his breathing quickening. Oh god, was the room getting smaller? He felt like it was getting smaller. Tears welled up in his eyes as the others continued their teasing at his expense. 

“Just can’t believe it!-”

“I know a lovely girl! She’s Leona’s daughter!-”

“Varian?”

Too hot. It was too hot. No air. Why couldn’t he breathe? Was he dying? What was going on? Why was he shaking so much? He struggled and his chest heaved as he tried to take in more air. It’s too much. Please stop. 

“What happened to Vex? Don’t you like her anymore?-” 

Please stop.

“Buddy, are you okay?”

Stop.

“Varian?”

“STOP!” he screamed out, standing up fast and knocking his chair to the floor. Wet trails ran down his face as he harshly wiped his eyes and headed to the door. “Thanks for dinner, it was great.” he growled and shoved past the mass of worried people, throwing open the front door and falling to his knees outside. He gasped for breath, the oxygen being his saviour as it finally felt like he was getting enough. He was free. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. His body jolted as a hand cautiously rested on his shoulder, squeezing it softly before the mystery comforter sat by him.

  “Rapunzel I…”

  “Don’t. I get it. Just get yourself together, okay? In for 7, hold for 7, out for 7. Just like I taught you.” she commented with a reassuring smile, holding out her arms for him to fall into. He closed his eyes in the embrace, his hands holding on tight to the fabric of her dress to ground himself. Her perfume had the scent of lavender, calming his nerves and helping him relax further. It reminded him of the old house before the accident. Before his mom left. The good times.

  “Varian..I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have pushed you so far. It isn’t fair.” she finally admitted as her hand weaved through his hair in a motherly kind of way. “I’m so sorry we didn’t stop sooner. But just know that-well, you can always tell us if you aren’t comfortable. We’ll respect your choices no matter what.” 

  Varian smiled to himself at what his sister said. She always wanted what was best for him - especially after his dad went into a coma. “Thank you so much.” he muttered against her shoulder. “You have..no idea what this means to me.” he sighed, content in the moment before moving back. “I should go home, it’s gonna be really awkward for me to go back.”

  Rapunzel looked as though she’d been slapped in the face. “I-are you sure? I doubt the others mind, and I made cupcakes to celebrate you and Cass coming over.”

  “Thanks Rapunzel but I just want to go home-” he began to say. A silhouette appeared in the doorway, leaning against it on her upper arm. Cass looked down at the scene, a sympathetic smile on her face as the wind blew her hair about and she held out her hand. “Relax Raps. I’ll take him. I was just leaving anyway. The little twerp just needs to let me know the directions. Oh, and he’ll need this.” she remarked, throwing a helmet towards Varian who, with fumbling hands, caught it. But-why would he need a-

  His question was answered as Cass walked away, swinging her leg over the motorbike and sitting down. The bike was..wow. Black was the base coat for the vehicle - red streaks ran across the main body intermingling with blue streaks. He was taken aback, swinging his leg over after placing the helmet on his head. His arms wrapped around Cass’ waist as she started to drive.

  It was exhilarating. Wind whistled past his ears, houses merging together at the speed they were moving and the fields became mere blurs in the background. Eyes widened with wonder as he held on, cheering and filled with adrenaline. Cass’ face lit up at the sound of Varian’s childlike enjoyment and wonder as he marvelled at his surroundings. She brought the bike to a stop, smoothing down her hair and helping Varian off. As he trudged up his driveway, she kept her eyes on him. 

  “Hey V?” she said, him turning around almost immediately to meet her eyes. “Uh..you should come meet my girlfriend sometime. Her name’s Irene. You’d love her.” she commented, pulling her helmet on as Varian frantically nodded. She silently waved and rode off into the night, leaving Varian on the doorstep of his admittedly shabby house.

  Varian stood in silence for a second before a grin split onto his face. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Cass..of course. He knew she’d understand. Thank god he wasn’t alone. Cass knew..she knew what he was dealing with. He turned his head to the direction that her bike went. He’d thank her later, somehow. 

  After a few seconds, he strode into the house and made a left to the kitchen, a pearl-white sheet of paper placed onto the counter wedged under the fruit bowl sat in plain sight. Varian read it aloud before throwing it into the trash. “Brilliant. Dad’s working late.” he rolled his eyes, moving towards the cupboard and pouring out some cat food into a bowl. Ruddiger, the fat bastard, came sauntering in, rubbing himself against the boy’s leg before starting to eat. He laughed and started to head upstairs.

  He sat on his bed and gazed at the time on his phone. 7:32pm. Hugo should be online. He couldn’t help the stupid smile that cursed his face at the mere thought of the boy in question, pressing his name under messages.

Varian : Still on for 1 tomorrow?

  He sent the text, still high on the adrenaline rush from the motorbike. Tomorrow was weighing on his mind as he sat up, hurrying to his closet to pick out his clothes for their date. Or at least that’s what Hugo called it and Varian desperately hoped that wasn’t a joke. Extensive searching left him with deciding upon a cyan sweater over a white dress shirt, along with some jeans and his black vans. The infamous chime went off, with Varian essentially jumping over the frame of his bed to read it.

Hugo : Wouldn’t miss it for the world, sweetie pie <3

Hugo : You looked good in the library by the way, short stuff ;)

   Varian rolled his eyes at Hugo’s comment. What else had he expected, honestly. He snuck a glance at his mirror, only to see the same lovestruck grin as every other night before that. God, he loved this boy so much. It wasn’t fair how one person could have this effect on him. How everything felt better when they were talking. Hell, even coffee tasted better when he was drinking it with Hugo. 

Varian : Better than you, beanpole

Hugo : Ouch. Really know how to wound my pride, dontcha?

Hugo: Anyway, I’ve gotta study tonight so I’ll see you tomorrow. Same table.

Varian :  Eye eye, Captain. See you tomorrow.

  Setting his phone aside, Varian watched as Ruddiger crawled to sit on the bed beside him, cuddling under his arm and purring. “Ruddiger, I think i’m in love.” the boy whispered to his companion. 

“I think I’m in love with Hugo Atkinson.”

[when-they-write-stuff]

As always no pressure but for prompts fluff 4 “OH you’re jealous” sterek?

Stiles would like to say that first of all, he didn’t want to have a job, thank you very much.

But he was a teenage boy and it was his responsibility to be prepared to face the real world. And… and his dad refused to buy him curly fries on the regular. So Stiles got a job.

He had to support his curly fry addiction some way, alright?

Though, being a barista at the Beacon Hill’s favorite cafe ‘the Bean’ really wasn’t that bad. Yeah, sure, sometimes Stiles got customers that made him want to bash his head into the nearest wall, but there were perks too.

Like the tips. The free (not really, but shh) coffee. And the fact that Derek came in every morning to get his daily cup of the most boring drink in the world.

Black coffee.

Stiles didn’t understand why the man didn’t just brew his own coffee at the loft, but Derek was an enigma. He did weird stuff and Stiles had given up long ago trying to figure him out.

Okay, that last part was a lie. But if Derek wanted to spend a dollar a day on crappy black coffee, Stiles wouldn’t judge him for it. Too hard, at least. Plus, he got to see the werewolf’s grumpy face and expressive eyebrows every day.

Stiles found himself looking forward to that far more than he should.

It was a Tuesday morning at eight o’clock when Derek pushed into the coffee shop as usual. Stiles grinned from ear to ear and propped his chin up on his hands, leaning forward.

“Why good morning dearest grumpy-pants,” Stiles said with a grin, winking at him. Derek rolled his eyes and thumbed out his wallet.

“Stiles.”

“The usual, I trust? One pink drink coming right up.”

Derek didn’t look impressed. Stiles grinned.

“Wait, no, my bad. I’ll hit you with a double chocolatey chocolate frappuccino in five minutes, Sourwolf. Just let me grab the extra chocolatey chocolate syrup.”

“Stiles, you’re an idiot.”

“Ah, yes, but I’m the idiot in charge of your drink order. You wouldn’t want me to mess up that fine black coffee you’re so obsessed with, would you? Now tell me, what did you want to order again?”

“You literally just said it.”

“Oh, shit my bad,” Stiles said with a grin. “One low-fat sugar-free vanilla latte coming right up. Wouldn’t want to lose those little werewolfy muscles, would you?”

Derek rolled his eyes and slapped a dollar onto the counter before stalking way. Stiles grinned after him.

“What, no tip? You’re a Scrooge!”

Boyd came out from the back room, wiping his hands on a dishrag. He glanced between Stiles and Derek and then sighed, shaking his head. “Black coffee?”

“No, Derek wanted to try that new drink we just promoted. What is it called again? The unicorn?”

Derek glared at him from over at the waiting counter and Stiles smirked cheekily, wiggling his fingers through the air in a wave. Boyd snorted and moved away, heading toward the coffee machine.

Stiles thought he was no fun.

Boyd pushed a small black coffee into his hands a few moments later and Stiles finished capping it. Like he did every day, he slipped a sleeve around the middle and then pulled a pen out of his back pocket, scrawling his number and a winky face onto the cardboard.

Then, with a bright smile, he carried the coffee over to the counter and deposited it in front of the waiting werewolf.

“One triple shot of expresso, Mr. Hale, just like you ordered.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Really? Because I think I outdid myself today. Give it a taste and tell me how amazing of a chef I am.”

“It’s coffee,” Derek said flatly. “And you didn’t even pour it.”

“See, Derek, this is why rainbows hate you. Can’t you just play along for once and tell me how amazing my black coffee is?”

Derek snorted and plastered a fake smile on his face, shoving a five-dollar bill across the counter before he turned away. “Your black coffee is amazing, Mieczyslaw.”

“Okay,” Stiles called after him, crossing his arms. “Just because you learned how to say my full name doesn’t mean you have the right to use it!”

Derek ignored him, the overhead bell ringing as he pushed out of the shop. Stiles wrinkled his nose and glared at the man’s back.

“Furry asshole.”

“He can still hear you,” Boyd said, brushing past. Stiles grinned.

“I know.”

-

When Derek came in the next morning, it was eight o’five. Stiles grinned at him and couldn’t resist making a show of checking his non-existent watch.

“My, Sourwolf, did you get caught up in traffic? I thought you’d died or something.”

“Shut up, Stiles.”

“Ah, I can see we’re feeling particularly positive this morning. Tell me, Grumpy Cat, will you be trying something other than black coffee today? I make a mean mocha, or you can go out on a limb and try something even better. Like adding whipped cream.”

Derek gave him a flat look a dropped a dollar onto the counter. Stiles heaved a dramatic sigh and turned away, waving a hand over his shoulder.

“Ya basic, Derek!”

Erica was on shift today and she’d come out with a grin the moment Derek entered the shop. Stiles went to grab a cup but she was there first, picking one up and shooting him a mischievous wink. “I’ve got him today, Batman.”

Stiles squinted at her. “Are you going to poison it?”

“Maybe.”

“Fine,” he said, shrugging. “Just don’t leave behind any evidence.”

Erica’s smirk was wicked as she trailed her fingers over the back of his neck and started toward the coffee machine. Then she completely bypassed it and went for the syrups, grabbing the chocolate, strawberry, and caramel.

Stiles cackled to himself and moved to help the next customer.

When Erica came back over with the small coffee, Stiles thought it smelled like the ice cream aisle at the grocery store had thrown up into a couple of teaspoons of coffee. He still took the cup and capped it, scrawling his number onto the cardboard slip before waltzing over to where Derek was waiting.

The man scrolled idly through his phone, not paying them any attention.

“One fine ass cup of joe for my favorite Alpha werewolf to ever grace Beacon Hills with his eyebrows,” Stiles said. “Should I take my compliments now or wait until after you’ve had a sip?”

Derek rolled his eyes and slapped a five onto the counter again. Stiles pocketed it before the man could take a drink and quickly hurried away. Erica was already out of sight, the traitor.

Stiles didn’t make it into the backroom before Derek was gagging. Despite his best, fastest efforts.

“Stiles, what the hell is this?”

Stiles winced and turned back around. Those in the coffee shop were staring and he put on his best ‘customer service’ smile, moving back over to the counter. “I’m sorry, sir, is everything not to your liking?”

“Stiles, this isn’t even coffee!”

“Sir,” Stiles said, keeping his expression neutrally blank. “If you would like me to make you another cup, I would gladly do it. Of course, the specific instructions you left earlier were a bit hard to follow—”

“All I wanted was a black cup of coffee!”

Stiles did his best to smother his grin. He thought he must have all the self-control in the world because he could hear Erica cackling in the back room. Clearly, Derke could too, because he turned a few different shades of red before growling and turning away.

Stiles watched him stalk out of the coffee shop with a carefully blank expression before sighing and turning away from the customers that stared.

Only when he made it to the back room did he break down into laughter too.

-

He’d half expected Derek to not come the next morning. But Derek strode through the doors at seven fifty-five on Thursday and Stiles couldn’t resist beaming from ear to ear.

“Sourwolf! You’re here!”

“If you give me anything other than black coffee this morning, I’m going to rip your throat out,” Derek said, flashing his red eyes. Stiles only grinned.

“One calming herbal tea coming right up!”

“Stiles.”

Stiles only chuckled and tipped two fingers to his temple, turning away. Isaac— always the true puppy— was already making Derek’s coffee. The beta rolled his eyes as Stiles tugged on his scarf and scoffed.

“You’re such a suck up, I-sack.”

“Shut up, Stilinski.”

“Gimme,” Stiles said, ignoring him and making grabby hands. Isaac shook his head and shoved the coffee over, nearly sloshing it over the edges.

“And I’m the suck up.”

“Oh, don’t give me that, I’m just making sure you assholes don’t do anything to our majestic alpha’s coffee! I know better than to trust you bastards.”

“Didn’t you put a raw egg in his drink last month?”

Stiles cackled, remembering Derek’s face when he’d opened his cup. Stiles had been locked out of the loft for a week after that occasion, but it’d been worth it. “I made the coffee so hot, the egg had nearly finished cooking.”

“You’re an idiot, Stiles.”

Stiles only grinned and went through the motions; the lid, the slip, and the number. He noticed Derek had been watching his every move. Stiles laughed and deposited the coffee onto the counter with a hum, dropping his chin onto the palms of his hands.

“Alpha, oh my Alpha. Here is your coffee.”

Derek only rolled his eyes and took it, turning away. Stiles squawked and gazed after him.

“What, no tip?”

The man acted like Stiles hadn’t even said a word, pushing back out of the shop. Stiles stared at him for a moment longer and then sighed, turning away. Revenge for yesterday, he had no doubts. Derek was never any fun.

Isaac laughed at his hurt expression; Stiles flipped him the bird.

It wasn’t like he cared.

-

Stiles was alone on his shift come Friday. The betas all refused to work on the weekend and while Stiles argued that Friday didn’t count as the weekend, they still refused to pick up any shifts.

Derek still came in at eight o’clock sharp that morning. But this time, it was Stiles’s co-worked who went over to take his order.

Stiles was… erm, busy.

There was this Beacon Hills Community College kid who’d been coming in all summer and Stiles was pretty sure he’d taken a shining to him. Because the guy always tipped extra, always stuck around to chat afterward, and always, um, left his number.

Stiles was usually pretty flattered. Except now Derek was looking at him with murder in his eyes.

Stiles chuckled nervously and pushed himself away, walking over to the counter where Derek’s waited. The man frowned and looked over his shoulder, and Stiles could’ve sworn his eyes flickered red. Blinking, his grin slipped and he smacked the man on the shoulder.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing?”

“Who is that?”

“Who is—” Stiles glanced over his shoulder where Mark was quickly making a beeline for the door. Singing heavily, Stiles gazed back at the angry-looking werewolf. “Dude, are you serious right now? He’s human— a college student— not a threat.”

“I know he’s human,” Derek said in a growl. “I can smell his stench from here.”

Stiles blinked. “Um.”

Derek tore his gaze away and glared down at the counter. Stiles’s co-worker came over and slid the man’s black coffee across the counter; missing the slip. But Derek didn’t take it. Stiles stared at him for a moment and then his mouth dropped open.

“Oh my god,” he said, the realization kicking in. “Are you jealous, Derek?”

Grey-green eyes snapped back up. Derek scowled. “No.”

“You are!” Stiles said, his grin returning. “Oh my god, dude, you’re totally jealous! What, am I not allowed to write my number on anyone’s cup except for yours? You never even text me!”

Derek’s eyes flashed. “You gave him your number?”

“No, Sourwolf,” Stiles said with a laugh. Derek’s jaw ticked and Stiles shook his head, looking at the man fondly. “You’re the only Alpha werewolf that I purposefully mess with. I promise.”

“M’ not jealous,” Derek mumbled dropping his gaze again. Stiles chuckled and pulled the pen out of his back pocket, grabbing a cardboard slip and quickly scrawling his number onto his. He grabbed Derek’s coffee and fixed on the slip, before offering it over.

Derek took it with a small smile.

“One expertly done back coffee,” Stiles said with a grin. “Probably because I make do it.”

“Your black coffee is amazing, Mieczyslaw,” Derek said softly. His fingers brushed against Stiles’s own as he took it, and Stiles couldn’t help as his heart did a little flip.

He watched until the man left the coffee shop before deflating into himself and shaking his head. The grin on his face wouldn’t leave.

“Softiewolf,” he murmured. In less than three seconds, his phone buzzed and Stiles dug it out in confusion. Everyone knew he was on a shift.

‘I can still hear you, you know’ 

    - D

Stiles grinned even wider to himself and glanced toward the closed door. His chest felt full; warm.

“I know.”

- -

The soft feelz have gotten away from me and I have no control. Thank you so much for the prompt, wolfile, I had fun! 

(if you enjoy my writing, consider supporting your underpaid student writer? Seriously, I’d adore you guys so much). https://ko-fi.com/rh27writer

[purplesurveys]

1119

survey by icantloveu

Today:

Who was the first person you saw? It was my dad. I fell asleep in the living room last night and he was the first person to go downstairs.

Who was the first person who called you? I have not received any call today so far and I’m not expecting any to come through today, a Sunday.

Who was the first person you called? I haven’t called anyone, either. The closest is an eyewear store I messaged on Messenger just a few minutes ago to ask if they accept walk-ins, since I didn’t know they’ve mostly taken appointments throughout the pandemic. If they don’t, I’ll have to wait until Thursday to get a check-up.

What was the first thing you did? I was mad at myself for falling asleep early last night and kinda wasting my weekend, so the second I opened my eyes I got up and looked for a survey to answer, lol.

What'd you have for breakfast? Fried rice, eggs, hotdogs, kikiam, and danggit, with crab paste.

Lunch? Skipped lunch as always since we have late breakfast. I might make coffee.

Dinner? I’m still indecisive on whether I’ll have dinner at home or somewhere outside. In any case, I can’t tell what I’ll be eating just yet.

Who'd you hang out with? I’ll be just by myself today.

What'd you do? I plan on taking a couple more surveys after this. I also wanna do some work ahead of tomorrow and watch the newest episode of 2 Days 1 Night as well.

Favorite song you heard? I am finding Ravi and Lee Naeun’s Rain Drop preeeeeeetty catchy.

Did you see anyone you hadn't seen in awhile? Not today. But last Friday this was the case as I saw Al, Pia, Kyelle, Gab, and Sam for the very first time in well over a year. Angela and Hans were part of the group as well but we were able to see each other during the holidays.

Last:

Thing you ate? The last spoonful of my rice, which I think I topped with the last of my egg and hotdog.

Movie you saw? Midsommar, I think. Last Christmas. I don’t watch a lot of movies anymore.

Girl you hugged? Angela. We saw each other for like, 15 seconds yesterday afternoon so that she could return the abaca mat I lent her for her graduation shoot.

Guy you hugged? I believe it was Hans, when we were saying bye last Friday. If not him, it would have been Al.

Family member you hugged? No idea. Maybe an aunt.

Type of soda you drank? I don’t drink any softdrinks. I did drink red wine that turned out to be carbonated last Valentine’s Day, though.

Flavor of gum you chewed? It’s a gimmick-y kind of gum that is extremely sour when you first pop it in your mouth; but once you start chewing it the sourness dies down and it goes back to the classic bubblegum taste.

Time you brushed your teeth? Last night.

Time you showered? Midnight yesterday when I got home from the aforementioned hangout with friends. I wasn’t able to take a shower yesterday because it had been freezing cold all day, but I plan on having one today.

Time you rode in the car? Yesterday when I drove out of the village to briefly meet up with Angela.

Word you said? Not sure; maybe just a ‘hi’? I greet my dogs a lot.

Person you talked on the phone to? My mom called me last night to tell me dinner was ready.

Time you cried? Genuinely no clue. I’d say a couple or even several weeks ago.

Currently:

Wearing? I have on an olive green sleveeless turtleneck top, and a pair of shorts.

Eating? None at the moment but I do feel like munching on something. Salted egg chips sound amazing right now, actually.

Drinking? Nothing, but I am in the mood for coffee.

Thinking? What else I can do today to maximize what’s left of my weekend.

Doing? [besides this survey] Looking at possible frames to buy for my new eyeglasses.

Friends:

Last friend's house you stayed at? Eugh, I think it had still been Gabie’s. I haven’t stayed at anyone else’s place during the pandemic so far; I’ve driven by Angela’s house briefly a couple of times, though. Mostly to just like return stuff or hand her a gift.

Last friend who stayed at your house? Angela and Hans.

Who has the coolest siblings? Probably Rita. All her siblings have got their own things and gigs and passions going on and I find that awesome. Of course, their family is filthy, old-money rich so their parents have more than enough money to let them sustain their hobbies, so I guess that’s a crucial factor in this too. But even then, they’re all humble and insanely nice so they’re still cool lol.

Who's an only child? Angela, Jo, Luisa, and I think Blanch??

Who have you gone on the most trips with? I don’t go on many trips with friends.

Who's met your family? Angela, and because of that one time my orgmates held a meeting at my house - Kate, Patrice, Jo, Jane, Aya, JM, and Edi.

Family:

Who's the craziest? There’s honestly a lot of chaos on my mom’s side, tbh. There’s past and current animosities, land issues, and general attitude problems among many of them. Of course, they try to hide it from the younger generation and everyone puts disagreements behind them during family gatherings; but the older I’ve gotten, the more my mom has let me in to some of the stories. That said, I can’t tell you who would be the craziest of them all.

Sanest? [is that a word] I would trust one of my aunts with my whole life, if it comes down to it. She has such a warm personality, is an amazing and sweet mom, and talking to her has always felt like talking to an old college friend that you’re having drinks with. I feel like I should do more for her as her niece, but yeah, I love her a lot.

Loudest? I will happily refer you to the entirety of my mom’s side, again. Everyone’s mode of communication seems to be yelling.

Lives the farthest away? Everyone who lives in the US.

Who do you live with? Both of my parents and my two siblings.

Has the most dogs? My dad’s immediate family, from whom Kimi actually came. There’s two dogs I can play with whenever we visit - Spike and Gucci - then they also have several other dogs but they aren’t too guest-friendly.

Has the most cats? My mom’s sister-in-law used to have like, 3 or 4 cats but I’m not sure if they’re still alive.

Has the most cars? I’m not sure. Most seem to have 1-3 which is the average for families anyway.

Random..

What color are your shoelaces? I’m not wearing any shoes at the moment.

Describe your sunglasses: I don’t own any.

Song you listened to last is...? Some jazz-y coffee shop-y tune I heard on YouTube.

Do you have a digital camera? Not anymore. I just use my phone to take photos.

What's the last type of cookie you ate? It had coffee and dark chocolate in it, but I can’t exactly remember what the name of the product is anymore.

Do you have your own computer? I have my own laptop. I never had a computer; I just went straight to having a laptop.

Describe your computer chair? I never had a computer chair per se but my work chair is nothing fancy, it’s just a plastic black chair that my parents bought initially just so that I had somewhere to sit on for my internship at my now-employer. Eventually I didn’t like how I was working in my room because I stopped being able to separate my personal life and my work life, so I’ve been working at the dining table these days.

Why is it called a computer chair anyways? I didn’t know this was a term, actually. I usually just keep hearing gaming chair.

What do you call the remote for the TV? Remote control, or sometimes just remote.

Do you have a crush on anyone? Nope.

What's on your walls? A few posters and wall decors. Some paintings from Gab towards which I have zero feelings or attachment anymore but I feel too lazy to take down.

Do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed. It would be impossible for me to fall asleep otherwise.

Can you fall asleep with the TV on? Sure, but the program has to be something I was watching to begin with so I can be lulled to sleep. If it’s a show about something I don’t find interesting, I might just find it as noise.

What is the last book you read? I don’t know.

What's your least favorite class? I don’t go to school anymore but in my final semester I hated my business writing class. I hated all my journalism classes, actually; but it was business writing that made me feel the most nervous.

Are you cold? I’m just right. It’s chilly enough not to need the fan, but I’m not shivering either.

Where are you? I’m in the living room.

What is touching your foot? The couch.

Are you wearing any jewelry? Nopes.

If so, what?

What's your name? Robyn.

Do you like it? Sure.

Would you change it if you could? Not at this point.

[for girls] Are you going to keep your last name when you get married? I would hyphenate it, yeah. This is also so that I get to keep my middle name as well.

[preferredrealty]

Wrong Place, Wrong Time - A Mob!Shawn Mendes Series.

Part 4 - Business Trips and Bruises

Part 5

Masterlist

Warnings: Blood

As always: Feedback is appreciated 💛🌻

(Y/N) smiled sweetly down at a small boy who was now inhaling the massive banana split she had set on the table, setting a few spare napkins down on the table, knowing they would be needed. 

Walking back into the kitchen she pulled her phone out of her apron as it chimed at the same time the bell of the door rang. Opening her phone quickly she looked at the text with a grin. 

iMessage from Shawn: Table for 3?

Leaning over the stainless steel metal she peek out the hole in the wall seeing Shawn standing with the two guys from the ally that night. Deloris peaked out next to her chuckling. "You're turning this place into a gangster pit-stop." (Y/N) shook her head nudging Deloris with her hip. It had been a week and a day since the night at the beach, when Shawn wasn't texting her, he was here. She would never admit it but seeing Shawn was the highlight of her day lately. "Oh hush." She smiled at Deloris pushing through the swinging door, Shawn's eyes instantly catching hers.

She grabbed her note pad on her way out from behind the counter, walking past them casting a glance at Shawn. "Table for three this way boys." Hearing Shawn chuckle, she stopped at a more private booth leaning against one of the booths. "Hey (Y/N/N), how was your day off yesterday?" He greeted throwing a arm over her shoulders as Brian and Connor nudged their way into the side of the booth she wasn't leaning on. "It was interrupted by a curly haired devil." She teased.

She cringed as Brian took off his sunglasses revealing the healing bruises of two back eyes. She mouthed a 'sorry' to him making him cast a small smile. "Well you've kind of met Brian and this is Connor." Shawn introduced them as he moved to sit in his booth. "Nice to meet you both." She grinned pulling open a new page of her note pad. "What can I get for y'all today?" "I'll take my usual please." Shawn grinned as she rolled her eyes. "I want to try that strawberry milkshake Shawn keeps going on about." Brian said glancing at the menu. "Actually you know what, I'll just take the same as Shawn." He said with a smile. Connor doing the same. 

"Alright I'll have that out with you as soon as possible." (Y/N) smiles walking back the counter, pinning up the order with the rest and starting on the milk shakes.

-

"So she's playing dumb about the whole thing?" Connor said as he played with the salt shaker on the table. "She hasn't brought it up but I know she knows." Shawn sighed glancing up seeing (Y/N) chatting with Deloris as she made the milkshakes. "Well she just mouthed an apology to me, so she knows." Brian muttered as Shawn and Connor laughed. "You got your ass handed to you by a girl." Connor wheezed holding his sides as he laughed. "I'll stab you, I swear some day I will." Brian groaned. Shawn shook his head at his two friends looking back at (Y/N) seeing her walking back with the three milkshakes balancing on a tray. 

"Food won't be long boys." She smiled placing the tray down, passing out the drinks. Shawn patted the seat next to him signalling for her to slide in, glancing around she realised the lunch time rush was over, giving her time to sit. Brian and Connor took a sip of their milkshakes, both groaning at the same time. "This is amazing." Brian said, making (Y/N) smile. 

Seeing Deloris coming out carrying two trays of food (Y/N) rushed to help her, passing out the food she nodded with a smile. "Shawn." She grinned. "Boys." She said to Brian and Connor before walking away. "Well I have work to do, enjoy your food guys." She patted Shawn's arm before following Deloris to the kitchen, mindlessly cleaning. 

"So-" Deloris started making (Y/N) groan. "Is he like, your boyfriend now?" A blush burned across (Y/N)'s face making her hide in her hands. "He's my friend." was all (Y/N) said, grabbing a new batch of cookies walking out to the counter to set them up in the glass casing. She could hear Shawn's laughter from where she stood making her lips quiver into a smile. "You don't smile about friends like that." A mans voice said next to her. 

Greg the chef was stood leaning against the counter sipping a steaming cup of coffee now that he had time for a break. "Oh hush not you too!" (Y/N) giggles swatting at the slightly older man, Greg was attractive, she wasn't going to lie. Attractive in a, could be your friend from schools hot dad. (Y/N) poured herself a cup of coffee, leaning next to him as they chatted. 

She could feel eyes burning into her as she talked to Greg causing her to look at Shawn who quickly looked back at Connor and Brian. "Someone's Jel!" Deloris whispered as she walked past. "I swear! You two are going to drive me insane." (Y/N) groaned drinking more coffee.

-

(Y/N) was waving bye to a customer who came in for takeout as Shawn came up to the counter handing over money for the bill, telling (Y/N) to put the change in the tip jar. "So-" He started sitting on one of the bar stools. "I'm going out of town for a week for..." He paused to find a word making (Y/N) nod while looking at the counter. "Business trip?.." She tried making him nod with a sad smile. "Don't know what I'll do without my fix of Strawberry milkshake for a week." (Y/N) let out a breathy laugh. "I'm sure you'll find somewhere that does a good shake wherever you're going." She blushed as Shawn took her hand playing with the thin rings on her pointer and pinky finger. "I don't think I'll ever find one that compares to yours." The blush from before just darkens as she pulls her hand away, walking around the counter having Shawn pull her into a hug and kissing the top of her head. "I'll see you soon Baby." He smiles, giving her a final squeeze before walking out the door.

- Thursday passed fast, so did Friday and Saturday. Sunday, the diner was closed, she had been texting back and forward with Shawn the entire day but when the clock hit 8pm on Sunday evening the replies stopped. All day Monday she didn't hear a peep. She was spaced out during work, the day passing before she knew it and then Tuesday came. 

She went about her day, shopping, meeting friends. She stopped by the diner to have lunch with Deloris her break, walked along the beach, where Shawn flood her thought to the point where she stopped at a store to buy snacks before heading home to binge watch Disney+

She had just settled into her grey cotton shorts and red 'life guard' hoodie when she heard a thump for her front door. She stood still for a moment, blood rushing to her ears as she eyed her door, another thump then a small voice made her strain even more to hear what it was. 

"(Y/N/N)" She heard a week voice say making her run to the door pulling it open. Shawn lay slumped against the door frame on the floor his legs splayed out in front of him, one hand tucked under his jacket, placed firmly on his ribs, the other lay limp in his lap, bloody and bruised. "Shawn!" (Y/N) cried out dropping to her knees, her hands gently cupped his face looking into his eyes, one partly swollen. "Shawn.." She whispered as he finally focused on her. "Hey baby." He grinned, wincing as the split in his lip bled more, the blood mixing into his teeth making him cringe at the metallic taste. 

(Y/N) looked around the hall of her apartment block, sighing in relief that nobody was there to witness this. "Come on." She huffed out a breath pulling Shawn's heavy lanky body off the floor, into her apartment and closed the door behind her. Setting him down gently on her bed she rushed to grab a damp cloth and the first aid kit she kept encase of an accident under her sink. When she returned Shawn was passed out, his chest rising and falling evenly making her sigh as she began to clean him up. - After getting Shawn cleaned up and a few paper stitches on his lip (Y/N) threw a blanket over him, adjusting the pillow under his head before making her way to the small plush chair she used as a desk chair, pulling it to the side of the bed Shawn was lying in, sitting next to him. "Jesus Christ." She ran her hands over her face before making herself comfortable. Eventually drifting off to sleep.

When she woke again, she was in the bed next to Shawn with his arm laid over her stomach. She looked over at him to see his eyes looking back at her. "Thank you." He whispered, eyes flooding with guilt. "Shawn what ha-" She was cut off by Shawn shaking his head. "Can we just sleep? I'll tell you anything you want to know in the morning." He sighed, pulling her closer. Nodding, (Y/N) shifted so she had her back to Shawn's chest, sleep taking over her as Shawn pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

-

"Thanks Deloris, I owe you one. See you tomorrow." Shawn stirred from his spot in bed, turning over he slowly peeled his eyes open. Feeling the dryness of his throat prompted him to stand from the bed walking out into the living area of (Y/N)'s apartment.

She stood in the centre of the room, pushing her phone back into her hoodie pocket after finishing her conversation with Deloris. Shawn's eyes drifted over her legs, the cotton shorts giving him a nice view. (Y/N) cleared her throat grabbing his attention. "Sorry." He rasped out, following (Y/N) as she nodded towards the kitchen area. 

Shawn gratefully took the glass of water from her as she pulled herself up onto the counter, watching him gulp down the water. He shifted under her sharp stare, feeling like a child about to get yelled at. Walking over to her, he stood between her legs, trying to pull out the puppy dog eyes on her. (Y/N) scoffed and grabbed his chin with one hand. "Doesn't work when your face is beat to shit Shawn!" She pushed him away enough for her to jump down, making her way back to her bedroom. 

Following close behind Shawn leaned on the door frame, watching as she lifted her mattress revealing a storage area under it with some box and clothes folded neatly in it. Pulling out a large chunk of black material she threw it towards him before pulling the sheets off her bed walking towards the laundry room. "Your shirt is covered in blood.." She muttered walking past him. 

Quickly changing into the hoodie she had given him, he cringed at the thought that it might be her ex's hoodie. Walking back into the living room he found her sitting on the couch with her knees pulled to her chest. Sitting at the other side of the couch Shawn sighed. "I'm sorry Baby. I was out of it last night...I don't know why but I just thought it would be safer for me to come see you than go home." (Y/N) chewed on her nails and her mind began to spin. "When I said I'd give you a chance Shawn...I know what I was getting into but I never expected your..lifestyle to come directly to my front door." Shawn nodded looking down at his hands. "I thought I could do it Shawn, thought I would be able to get over it because - well because you're an amazing person to be around but I can't do it Shawn. I'm scared. Scared that being involved with you will get me hurt." 

Shawn felt the air get stuck in his chest as his head turned to look at her, her eyes focused on the floor in front of her, lip stuck between her teeth and tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. "Baby I-" He stopped before nodding. "If that's what you want..I understand." He stood, his arms falling in defeat at his sides. "I'm sorry (Y/N)." He whispered pressing a kiss to the top of her head, rushing to put on his shoes and out her front door. 

It wasn't until (Y/N) heard the echo of foot steps echoing down the metal stairs that a sob broke from her chest, grabbing one of the fluffy cushions stuffing her face into it. 

- Shawn paused once he was outside her apartment building, the door slamming behind him making him flinch. He turned back, his finger hovering over the button to apartment 4C before he shook his head, pulling the black hood up over his bruised face and walking away. 

Unaware of the men parked in a  black jeep across the road keeping a close eye on him, memorising the button he was about to press.

[ficsxreaderr]

Music to my Eyes [4]

Pairing: Single dad!Bucky Barnes x reader. (Modern day AU)

Summary: As a simple worker at a record store, there’s so much  you want to do in life yet, which doesn’t involve a serious relationship  and much less a relationship with a guy who’s a father. Once you meet  Bucky Barnes you’re not sure you can live up to that anymore.

Warnings: None? Fluff?

Requests are open. Tagging for a permanent list and this fic are open.

Reblogging and feeback are welcome and appreciated!

Series masterlist | Masterlist

The thoughts you had last night still wander around your head, and given you couldn’t put them to rest, you get up early to visit Sam before the place gets too crowded.

“Heeeeeeey,” He says, rather loudly, as he hears the bell ring, making you smile.

“Hi, Sam.” You use a fake-annoyed tone and roll your eyes. He’s placing some records that came in this morning apparently, since the box beside him is still full, so you decide to help him.

“So…you stayed at his place until late, what happened?” He nudges you and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Nothing happened, Sam! We…talked and I kind of said I wanted a therapy session…” You press your lips in a thin line, waiting for Sam to say something but all he does is release a laugh. “Don’t laugh! I’m serious, I…don’t know what I’m doing, Sam, I just blurt out what I feel when I’m with him. It’s annoying.” You sigh deeply and he finally stops laughing.

“Wait, has he texted you today?”

“He hasn’t! And that’s why I feel like an idiot, he’s right not to talk to me, I wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“Do you want to know why he hasn’t talked to you?” He quirks up an eyebrow and you shrug as if what he’s about to say has no effect on you. “Because he’s as much as an idiot as you are!”

“Well, thanks?” You widen your eyes and cross your arms over your chest.

“No, I mean, he’s probably into you too and he has no idea what to do because he hasn’t dated since Sarah’s mother.”

“Where is she anyways? You know what, I don’t want to know because I’m not trying to date him, it’s just too much for me.” You shrug and return to your task, but then get interrupted by your phone ringing. You leave the records in their place and when you look at the screen your body freezes and you get a quick impulse to decline, but you don’t. After three rings, you roll your eyes at Sam who’s already smiling at you and finally pick up.

“Hello?”

“Y/N, hi, it’s me.” Even if you hadn’t had his contact, you would’ve recognized his voice saying your name in a heartbeat. “Listen, about the session we talked about last night…” He’s cancelling! Yes!

“Oh, yeah, you know what, if you don’t have time today it’s okay, we barely mentioned it, it’s no big deal.”

“No, no.” He quickly cuts you off. “I just wanted to say I have time at 4 PM if that’s okay with you.”

“Oh…” You close your eyes for a moment, biting your lip as you think of a response.

“But I understand if you don’t…”

“No, it’s…4 PM is okay, I’ll be there…” You let out a breath you hope he doesn’t hear, and you glance at Sam to find he’s covering his mouth to refrain from laughing.

“Great! I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah, see you later.” You hang up and groan in frustration.

“What the hell was that? You got a date?”

“No, it’s the stupid session I stupidly mentioned last night.” You put your fists at your hips and shake your head.

“I thought you didn’t want to be with him, why did you agree?”

“I don’t know, Sam! I wish I knew.” You throw your arms in the air and then run a hand through your hair. “He speaks and asks shit and suddenly I can’t say no, it’s like a curse. I’m like a 15-year old in love.” Sam and you widen your eyes at the same time and you cover his mouth before he says something. “NO! NO! I did NOT say I��m in love with him, I just said like, I’m not in love with him.” You shake your head as you take your hand off his mouth and he laughs for the billionth time at you.

“Okay, whatever you say, honey.” He holds up his hands and you snatch a record from him, which tempts you to hit him with it. “Don’t hit me with that if you’re not paying it.” He points a threatening finger at you and you hand it back and cover your face with your hands.

“I hate myself, Sam.” You mumble and then uncover your face. “You should slap me for being such an idiot.”

/

Bucky went to bed last night thinking about how you’re not going to see him as something more than a friend, he kept playing the image of you walking away in his head, the way you said you had to leave in the exact moment he knew he had to kissed you. He remembers Sarah waking up for a moment as he tuck her in and saying, “Daddy, I think Y/N really likes you. She smiles a lot when you talk.” He didn’t respond to that, he simply told her to get to sleep and kissed her forehead before turning off the main light and leaving the room.

He went to bed with your voice in his head, with the memory of your skin against his when you held hands, he wonders what you’re doing to him, he can only hope you think of him that way but he quickly erases that thought, I’ve only seen her twice, he thinks.

Sarah jumps over his bed and startles him, and he quickly throws away the covers and sits up.

“Sarah, what are you doing? I’ve told you not to do this, you can hurt yourself.” He speaks firmly, making her sit in front of him.

“I’m sorry, daddy.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and gets up, putting on a t-shirt.

“Daddy, I want waffles for breakfast.” She doesn’t move from his bed and he bends over and brushes off strands of hair from her face as he smiles to her.

“Whatever you want.” He kisses her forehead and then picks her up, carrying her on his hip.

“Is Y/N coming today? I like her a lot and we have fun with her, don’t we?”

“Yes, sweetie, we do, but I’m not sure if she’s coming, I’ll have to call her.” Bucky responds as he walks downstairs and to the kitchen.

“Then call her! You can be alone with her today if I’m going to Uncle Steve’s.” Sarah bites her thin lip in excitement, making her father chuckle as he puts her down on a chair.

“Alright, I’ll call her but I can’t promise she’ll come.”

/

It’s 4:05 when you ring the bell, you’re never unpunctual but this time you didn’t want to seem so eager to get there and scare him off, so you take a deep breath and wait. A few seconds later he opens the door and you feel air has been knocked out of your lungs at the sight of him wearing black scrubs with James Barnes embroidered at his chest.

“Hey.” His wide grin warms your heart and eases your anxiety. He steps aside to let you in and you do, still silently.

“Hi.” You finally speak. You brain has clearly stopped as you can’t think of anything to say.

“Come in, you can leave your bag on the hanger.” He points at it and you decide to leave your jacket too.

“Where’s Sarah?” You finally came back to Earth as you walk behind him to the kitchen.

“She’s spending the weekend with Steve and Peggy.” He looks back at you and you quickly separate your hands as you were squeezing them in nervousness. “Can I get you anything? Are you hungry?”

“Um, no, I’m good, maybe just something to drink.” You don’t want to bother, much less today that you feel a lot less confident than last night. He nods and opens the fridge to take out a pitcher of lemonade and pours both of you a glass. You thank him and take a sip, wondering if it’s too much of stupid small talk to compliment how good it is.

“So, do you work at one place or freelance all the time?” You ask, at the risk of asking the wrong thing.

“I work at a place not far from here from Monday to Thursday and then the other days I freelance…like today.” He clears his throat and you finally realize he’s probably as hesitant as you are, but he’s much better at hiding it. How you wish he had gave you alcohol to loosen up a bit.

“That’s great! Extra money is always good.” Bucky curses himself for pouring full glasses of lemonade because it feels like an eternity before either of you is done drinking, but he discreetly takes big sips so it’s over soon. He doesn’t know it, but you’re doing the exact same thing and after a painfully long moment, both of you are done. He takes both glasses and puts them in the dishwasher.

“Follow me.” He speaks with an easier tone and you oblige. You see he’s set the table in the living room, where he’s moved the couches and the coffee table to make some space. He gestures for you to sit and you do, waiting for him to give another instruction but you just wish you could cut the tension. “Um, some people like to…take off their shirts because it’s more comfortable but I also have a gown…like a hospital gown that’s comfortable too and that way you don’t have to…”

“Uh, yeah, the gown’s fine.” You respond before he says anything else and he nods and walks away from you, to go get the gown. You let out a breath once he’s out of sight and cover your face with your hands in exasperation. What the hell are you doing? You hear his footsteps approaching and put your hands down, pretending to be looking away.

“Here it is. You can change in the bathroom or…here and I can…look away.” He hands you the gown and you take it, hoping he doesn’t see your hand shake.

“Um…you can look away…it’s just my shirt so it’ll be quick.” You hope you didn’t come out too strong by saying you practically want to strip off your clothes in front of him…or behind him…anyways, he gives you a smile that indicates he’s not freaked out by you and nods, turning on his heel and telling you to start whenever you’re ready. You take a deep breath before taking off your button-up shirt, which you now officially hate because you couldn’t have chosen a worse shirt to wear today.

“I’m done.” You speak with a lower voice than you’d like and he slowly turns around and walk towards you again.

“Alright, so, you’ll want to be laying with your face down, resting your forehead here.” He pats on the head rest and you do as he says, making yourself comfortable. “Are you okay there?” He asks.

“Yeah, I am.” You reply and wait for him to start.

“Okay, so where exactly are you having trouble? You can try to point at the spot and I’ll make sure to find it.”

“Um…I think it’s at the middle, at the side of my spine, I’m not sure if it’s my muscles or my bones…” You speak and roll your eyes at yourself for having no idea how to interact with a human being at this particular moment.

The way his hands fall over your back like a feather makes you flinch and he doesn’t move for a moment.

“Is everything okay? Are my hands too cold?”

“No…no, everything’s fine.” You respond.

“Alright, you tell me if you want me to stop, okay?” You hum as you understand and he continues. He starts by looking for the right spot and he doesn’t even need to ask you when he’s sure he’s found a huge knot right below your shoulder blade and he’s glad you can’t see how his lips curl up in a smile when he sees your shoulders relax at his touch.

An hour goes by but it didn’t feel like it, Bucky’s got the softest and most gentle hands, he’s really an expert at what he does, and he even made you forget you have feelings for him at least for that hour. You dozed off, you’ve never been more relaxed and at peace than today, and you’re sure it’s not only because of getting therapy but because he made you feel like that with his presence. He won’t say it, but he relaxed along with you, he felt an energy that he’s never felt before, he wished he had told you it could last longer than an hour because his heart stopped the moment the clock hit 5:10.

Once he’s let you put your shirt back on, he turns around and helps you hop off from the table. You smile at him and he gestures to the couch, and you both sit facing each other.

“How do you feel?” His eyes look lazy, and his smirk is captivating, every single time you look at it.

“I feel…amazing, you’re a true expert.” You chuckle nervously, fidgeting with your ring, unable to look away from the blue of his eyes. He chuckles too, discreetly sliding some inches closer to you, but you don’t even think of moving, unconsciously, you’ve been wanting him to do that.

“I’m glad I could help.” Both of you smirk, and his beautiful features are just as relaxing as the massage you just had. “Do you want to stay for dinner? Sarah kind of ditched me tonight.”

“Oh, so I’m just your backup?” You tease him, crossing your arms over your chest, making him chuckle.

“No, it’s not like that.” He shakes his head. “Please, stay, I enjoy your company.” If he only knew how much you enjoy his.

/

“So, I got to ask, when did you learn how to cook?” You take a sip of wine and wipe your lips with a napkin, sitting back on the chair after you’ve finished your food.

“Um, actually Steve’s mother taught…us.” He responds as he takes a sip of wine, too.

“Steve’s mom? You guys go way back, don’t you?”

“Yeah, we’ve been friends for as long as I can remember.” He shrugs. “She was on her own so she taught us so we could take care of ourselves if we were ever alone.” You smile at the thought of a very young Bucky standing beside a woman and learning to cook and maybe lots of other things to make it on his own. He tilts his head to one side and frowns, “What’s that smile for?” His voice deepens.

“Nothing, I just think it was so nice from her to teach you. She did a great job.” He chuckles, leaning over to rest his elbow on the table and rest his face on his palm.

“I’m glad you liked it.” He stares for a moment and the smile you’re holding makes him feel lucky, just to be around you, to share things like these with you and feeling like he can share so much more without blinking.

“I did.” You cross your arms over the table and fix your eyes on his for a moment. The thought of kissing him quickly crosses your mind but that’s all it does because you erase it in a second. Take it easy, Y/N.

“So, how did you meet Sam?” He asks, thankfully continuing with the conversation so there’s no more tense moments between you.

“Um, he was new at the store and I had to train him for a while. As you might expect, he kind of hit on me but well, you know Sam, he can hit on anything that walks so I noticed that and decided to make him my friend.” You shrug, making him laugh.

“He hit on you? What line did he use?”

“I don’t even remember, it was stupid but he’s a nice guy and a very reliable friend.” And he led me to you.

“Y/N, I…was thinking.” He clears his throat as you frown, waiting. “I’m having this Tuesday off work and I’m going out with Sarah, she really likes you and I’d like you to come with us to have lunch and perhaps some coffee.” Is he asking you out?

“Oh,” You chuckle. “I have to work that day but I’ll definitely ask for the day off, I’d love to go if it doesn’t mean I’m interrupting the only day you have alone with your daughter.” You’re dying to go on a date with Bucky, and maybe it’s not exactly what you should be doing if you wanted to stay away in the first place, but he’s asking you to go with his daughter and you can’t tell him no to his face.

“Y/N, you’re not interrupting, I want you to go.” He smiles softly, instantly warming your heart and earning a huge grin from you.

“Okay, I’ll call you on Monday to let you know if I find someone to cover for me.” You sigh deeply and realize, you better get out of here before any of you kisses the other and it leads somewhere you don’t want it to go. “Bucky, I should go, it’s getting late.” You press your lips in a thin line, reluctant of leaving, but he simply nods.

“I know.” He says in almost a murmur. “I could drive you tonight, Sarah’s not here.” He frowns in expectancy that you might say no, he doesn’t want you to say no, he wants to drive you and spend just a few more moments with you. He’s so infatuated. Damn him and his eyes to which you can’t say no to. You hate yourself, you know you don’t want to get involved with him but you let him in, and it’s not fair.

“That would be nice.”

/

The memories of a wonderful night keep playing in your head, just like those dreams that are so perfect that you can remember them so vividly when you open your eyes in the morning. It’s all so easy with Bucky, talking, sharing, laughing, it’s natural. It’s almost…unreal. You wish you had met Bucky at a different time of your life…or his life, before he was a dad, and you hate that you wish for that but it’s the only way it would be easier for you to be falling for him like you are. Sunday feels like a hangover, a memory hangover. You spent the entire time you’re cooking breakfast thinking of him and how he probably wants a family, a mother to his child, not just some stupid fling. Wait, but you don’t want just a stupid fling either, he means more to you than that. After so many thoughts about your life, his life, and how different they are, you decide you’re not going to lunch with him on Tuesday, you can’t keep playing this stupid game with him or yourself. You need to stop seeing him and that’s final.

| Tagging some members of the fam I think might enjoy this (feel free to ask me to remove your tag)

@sebbbystaaan @chloerinebarnes @stuckonjbbarnes @mushyjellybeans @honeyvbarnes @babblingbonky​ @mrwinterr @valkyriesryde​ @mypassionsarenysins​ @livyourextralife​

Permanent taglist: @imma-new-soul​

Fic taglist: @eliza5616​ @jamesbarnesappreciationclub​  @93generation​

[fairymadnessyeah]

Birthday Boys - Chapter 4

Chapter 4 : Welcome Home, Nii-san

Hope you like it

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22242565/chapters/55292371

Sunlight filtered through the window and the rag they called a curtain. Dabi grumbled as the light hit his eyes, waking him. Rubbing his eyes and sitting up on the bed, the raven looks at his left. Shigaraki's light blue hair shinning with the morning light greeted him, as he moved to get more comfortable, hugging the pillow and taking all the sheets for himself and leaving Dabi bear to the world.

The older man chuckled as he watched his boyfriend create a nest out of their bed. For as long as he known Tomura, he knew the man was always cold. He had even seen him use long sleeves in the middle of summer. Dabi laid back in the bed and stared at his skinny boyfriend amused. He noticed the bed sheets slipping off of his shoulder. With a low moan, Dabi started leaving small kisses and nips at the pale skin that was still coverred in hickeys from yesterday. Tomura groaned and blinked himself awake.

He huffed in annoyance and turned his eyes to Dabi. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"But you're comfy..." Dabi said with a yawn and rolled on top of Shigaraki.

"Get your skinny ass off of me... " Tomura grumbled as he tried to burry himself into his pillow.

"You weren't complaining about my skinny ass yesterday" Dabi whispered in his ear. Tomura only groaned in responce. "It does feel a little sore. Won't you kiss it better?" Dabi continued teasing his boyfriend and, again, only got a groan as a responce. Although, louder and longer. "Well, can I at least kiss yours?"

Tomura stood up abruptly, making Dabi fall off the bed. Shigaraki was frowning down at his boyfriend as he looked up from his spot on the floor, looking smug as the little shit that he was. "You are bottoming until the bite heals." The pale man on the bed said and returned to his spot on the bed.

Dabi grinned and, standing up from the floor, stepped outside the room to go to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, Dabi came back into the bedroom with a towel around his naked hips, his hair wet and a couple of rogue drops tracing a path throght all of his tattooed chest. As Dabi started getting dressed, Tomura was slowly getting out of the pile of sheets and pillows. By the time Dabi was ready, Tomura was sitting on the edge of the bed with only one blanket covering him like a robe, as he scratched lightly against his neck.

Dabi stood right in front of him and took his hands in his to stop him. He placed them around his own neck, making the other stand up from the bed, and when he was head to head with him, Dabi closed their distance, locking their lips into a tender kiss Tomura melted into. As the two separed their lips, Dabi hummed and fastened the bed sheet as a cape back on Tomura. "Y'know..." He sighted "You got horrible morning breath, creep" He told him and kissed the mole near his lips as Tomura pouted.

The two got out of the room and made their way through the apartment. Tomura going directly into the bathroom to shower and Dabi staying in the kitchen to make breakfast. He had made some coffee and had started pouring on cereal for Tomura as he sipped from one of the cups with coffee, the one with a MCR album picture, when said he stepped out the bathroom in his robe, a blast of steam coming out with him.

Dabi didn't understand how Tomura didn't cook himself alive with how hot he took his showers. He had learned to bath before Tomura, after their first week together as roommates. Tomura had run him out of hot water faster than anybody that had ever took a shower there. And that was an achievement, since Toga used to spend a lot of time here and always took two hours to get ready. Somehow, she had at least left hot water for him.

As he was making himself some toast with the oven, Tomura came out of the room wearing a black hoodie, black pants and his red sneakers. He took one of the cups, the one with mothman, and sat on the counter, with the bowl of dry cereal in his lap.

Once his toasts were done, Dabi pulled a chair next to his boyfriend. The two ate like that, with Tomura perched on the kitchen counter, eating dry cereal and Dabi spread on a chair near him as he ate almost-burned toast. They talked about Tomura's channel as they drank their coffee. The couple had actually really missed each other, and after spending an entire day making up for it, they still didn't want to spend time without the other.

But Tomura knew his boyfriend better than most. Dabi was avoiding something. And with how this last few weeks had gone, it didn't take a genius to deduce it was about his family. Or rather his sibblings and the promise he had made to his baby brother. From now on, starting next week, Shouto was going to work with Dabi on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and during this days, Dabi was supposed to contact the older pair of sibblings to try to reconnect.  

"When are you seeing your sibblings?" Shigaraki asked Dabi, shooting the elephant of the room.

"I'm going to call them later..." Dabi told him, avoiding his gaze and trying to move on from this topic.

"You can't just call them," He told the raven. "You have to go see them. You can't start something with one foot outside"

"I... have work, babe" He tried to find excuses that could work.

"How many booked session today?" Tomura asked, tired of his boyfriend actions.

"Umm... One in a bit" Dabi said as he stood up from his chair to clean as he finished his breakfast.

"Alright," Tomura finished his coffee and his cereal and hopped out of the counter. "Where does your brother study?"

"Karasuno College, Natsuo is in the volleyball team" Dabi told him. Tomura took out his phone as Dabi finished up in kitchen.

The two made their way downstairs to the shop. Dabi at the front, opening everything and Tomura behind him, still staring and messing with his phone. When they reached the place, Tomura sat at the register as Dabi opened and turned on the lights. As the place started looking alive again, Dabi went next to his boyfriend and grabbed his sketch book. Before he could look for his pencil, Tomura showed him what he was doing with his phone.

It was an itinerary of Natsuo's univercity's team. Apparently it was a big deal. Years back it was supposed to be the home of a famous volleyball team that had won thousands of medals or something. Dabi, though, already knew this as he had enterred this site thousand of times before, as he had kept tabs on all of his sibblings. The tattooed man looked expectantly at his boyfriend. Tomura was a natural schemer and strategiest, if he showed him something there was a plan formulating or in the process at the moment.

"They have practice at 4:30 Pm, that gives you enough time to finish this booked appointment, and catch him before his practice and spend an hour or two with him. I will take care the store today and call and re-schedule today, tomorrow and Saturdays appointments." Shigaraki told him with a tone that left no place for discussion and put his phone down.

Dabi was thinking of something to get out of going to see his brother, but he was coming up empty. His boyfriend could be terrifing when he wanted to. He was almost sure that Shigaraki Tomura could achieve world domination in a year. If he was honest with himself, for a while, when they still had the gang going on, he could of swore that the only thing holding Tomura back was himself and his twisted love for his Sensei. And if the Tomura-Empire ever happened, Dabi would make sure he was right there next to his boyfriend in every step of the way.

Right now though, he wasn't able to come with any excuse to avoid this and Tomura knew so, judging by the stupid smirk he had on. It could not have been a better moment for the doorbell-guitar to go off and as a guy in a black jacket came inside for his tattoo. Tomura checked him and as he enterred the the side room where Dabi would tattoo him, Tomura took the phone and Dabi's booked appointments information and started calling them.

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Natsuo was having a very shitty month.

First, his strangled brother appeared out of thin air after 10 years of silence. Which really ended as baddly as he should have expected.

Then, he couldn't even stand his family as they acted as if everything was okay after the whole Touya incident part II. Because what did you do when something was horrible? You made a sequel out of it and pretend you liked the result.

After that, his friends, who he thought were getting kind of annoying after going from praising the living daylight out of his Old Man, to curse him everytime he was mentioned, told him he should take a break during the next two matches and not participate. Because apparently, he looked "tense".

And finally, the cafeteria, who had been his happy place for a long time, had cancelled Taco Thursday, for a salad bar.

Which okay, he could get behind for his vegan girlfriend. But today he could practice again to participate in the next match with his team. He deserved a spicy mexican treat.

Leaving his girlfriend with her friends so that she could enjoy the salad bar, he growled all the way out of the building as he searched with his phone for a place where they sold mexican food. He had just stepped outside when he saw him. Black dyed hair, intence blue eyes, tattooes and piercings covering his body. He was leaning against a motorbike, who Natsuo had to admit, was cool as hell and talking through his phone. Without even thinking it, Natsuo put on his best, 'Oh, yeah, Endeavor is my dad' face and greeted Touya as he approached him.

He knew it was a bad idea, but if he could show him how much they needed him and how much they missed him, maybe Touya would stay.

He heard his brother say, "I'll call you later " before he turned his attencion to the albino. "So... You have to... work around here or something?" He asked, trying to break the ice.

Touya stared at him and Natsuo could feel the gaze burning his very being. And after not seeing one another for 10 years and going through a horrible reunion, the first thing Touya ever said to Natsuo was:

"Take that phony thing you call a smile off your face. It’s creepy”

Natsuo did and looked down. He was too ashamed of himself to face his brother. Of course he didn’t want him in his life anymore.

Natsuo had never been there for him. He had just left him get beaten by Dad like a punching bag and when Shouto was born, he tried to hog him all to himself. And when he had run away, he was the first one to lose hope of him ever returning. He had left him for dead. No, wonder he never came back.

“Listen, Natsuo... I came here to talk, It might go bad or not but, in the very least, we’ll get some closure” Dabi said, making the albino look up in hope.

“Really?” Natsuo asked dazed, to which Dabi just shrugged. “Well... I was craving some spicy food, so...”

“Sure, I saw some food trucks while I was coming here, we could check them out.” Touya said as he took two helmets out of the saddlebag of the bike. He gave Natsuo the shiny gray one as he put on the black one with flames drawn on it.

Natsuo took the helmet and gasped excited as he looked between the helmet, the motorcycle and his brother. Then he abruptly stopped.

“Can I drive?” He asked seriously

“Not even if die” Dabi told him. His brother put on the helmet with a pout and hopped on.

They arrived at a park a couple of minutes later. There were a couple of kids playing near some swings and a slide, some adults watching over them on a bench nearby and two food trucks. One sold donuts and the other burritos.

Natsuo and Dabi went to both, one settling for burritos aand the other getting a jelly donut. All the way there and while they order the food, Natsuo told Dabi about his classes and his girlfriend, and he would of continued if Dabi hadn’t stopped him. The two were seated in a bench near the playground, but far enough so that they didn’t bother the kids playing there.

“Touya died a long time ago,” Dabi started “I’m not the same person you knew. I changed. I’m Dabi now... And I know you loved Touya very much but,... I can’t be him anymore.”

Natsuo stared at him speechless. He didn’t know what to say. When he imagined what it would be like if Touya ever returned it never went like this. (Well, his fantasies also included Touya punching Enji and knocking him uncouncios, so...).

But, never, not even in the horrible dephs of his imagination could he have come up with this. Because, even if the man in front of him would deny it, he knew his brother. He knew Touya. And there was a little bit of that in Dabi still.

There was still the shame and guilt of not being able of protecting his family, his saddness over being unbearable to look at for Mom, the stubborn determination they all inherited from their Dad.

There were some differences, but the core was the same.

It was Touya, and Dabi. It was his brother.

And God, had Natsuo missed him.

The albino decided to let it go and threw his arms around him, smothering him in a hug. Dabi let go of the breath he was holding and returned Natsuo’s affection, patting him in the back in return.

“Okay, that’s... alright for now” Dabi told him and separated them.

Natsuo sniffed, and rubbed away the small tears that formed in his eyes. He gave his brother a bright and giant smile, which Dabi returned with a small one. But it didn’t matter. Things were getting better.

The  two stayed in the park until Natsuo had to leave for practice. They catched up as much as they could and even order more donuts, which Natsuo devoured and Dabi only ate one. As they parked in front of Karasuno’s gym, Natsuo gave his brother back his helmet and one last embrace.

“Oh, could you not tell Fuyumi about this? I kind of want to surprise her” Dabi asked the younger man.

“Sure... Hey, before you leave” Natsuo stopped him as he placed the keys on the ignition. “What made you change your mind? On your birthday you weren’t extactly happy to see us...”

Dabi sighed amused. “Shouto annoyed me until I caved” He told him and started the motorcycle. “See ya”

“Shouto, you damn brat...”

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After talking to his brother on Thursday, Dabi knew the easiest part was over. The two people left was Fuyumi and Mom.

He didn’t believe the doctors that took care of his mother would let him see her. And thinking about the woman really messed with his head. So, he would wait to cross that bridge when it came.

But Fuyumi was an issue all on her own.

It wasn’t that he feared she wouldn’t forgive him. What he most feared was her not accepting Touya was gone. He knew that she had still hope Touya would return before they knew about Dabi. And he felt it in his gut that she was not going to trancition Touya to Dabi like his brothers.  

And Dabi couldn’t take it. He didn’t like that part of himself, even if he knew he had meant a lot to his sibblings. He had burried Touya a long time ago. And Shouto and Natsuo had already understood that without much of a fuss.

He really doubted Fuyumi would.

He had called the next day, asking if they could talk and she had invited him to dinner. Shouto was going to spend the weekend with his friends at UA, and Natsuo with his girlfriend. They said they didn’t want to interrupt the moment between them. Really, they were being smart and taking cover from the catastrophy Fuyumi’s and Dabi’s dinner was going to be.

He arrived at the apartment and when Fuyumi opened the door, he knew this was going to be a worse shit-show than he imagined.

Fuyumi had cooked Sukiyaki and Miso Tofu soup. Touya’s favourite dish. That took a lot of time to cook. Like a big, warm, welcome-back present.

Great.

He had barely stepped into the threshold when he came to an abrupt stop. Fuyumi, who was already in the talking about something excitedly, turned confused at him.

“I... Touya,” And suddenly Dabi felt like throwing up. He had to tell her, she deserved to know. But he couldn’t get the worlds out. He was terrified that Fuyumi would only accept Touya and nothing else. “Stop waiting for him,..” He finally said “Touya was gone the moment he ran away. I’m not him anymore. I can't.” He could feel the tears coming “I can’t hold your hand as we come back from school, and I can’t help you with your homework anymore.” He sniffed, willing his eyes to dry out of tears. “I’m Dabi now.”

Fuyumi sniffed and ran to him. The two collided in a mix of limbs. “I don’t care. I’m just happy my big brother, whoever he may be now, is back home and safe” She took his face and leveled him with her, looking directly into his eyes, with tears streaming down their cheeks. "Welcome back home, nii-san"

The two hugged for a while, enjoying the other warmth that they have missed. Once they separated, the two adults talked quietly to the other. about what had happened and how they were going to move on from there. All while they ate Fuyumi’s delicious cooking, accompanied with a glass of wine.

Fuyumi did give permission to Shouto to work in Inferno, but he wasn’t allowed to get any tattooes or pierciengs until he was 18. And she also expected to have a formal dinner with Shigaraki.

“Oh, I asked mom’s therapist and she said that if she reacted well to the news, you should be able to see her”

Dabi swallowed down his nervousness. The last time he had seen his mom, she had screamed like crazy and had pleaded mercy while calling him Enji. That had been a couple of months before Shouto’s accident.

“If you don’t feel ready, we can keep her in the dark but... she misses you a lot”

Dabi regreted what he told her until he got home.

[philjacobsen-blog]

Antarctica. How I learned to stop worrying and love the isolation.

I put on my gloves and face mask like I had done every day for the past six months. I wanted to protect myself, be safe and I wanted to be healthy. No, I wasn’t a prepper preparing for the end of the world and/or the coronavirus, I lived in Antarctica.

From 2002 to 2018, I spent over six years of my life working and living in Antarctica. Math might tell you that looks like “16 years,” but Antarctica works on a different schedule.

Scientists and contract laborers (like myself) have been limited to work a maximum of 14 months straight in Antarctica. Because, after 14 months of isolation, it has been said, “You might lose your mind.” Therefore, four weeks, six weeks, or eight weeks of coronavirus quarantine is like a walk on the frozen ocean.

Everyone loves Top 10 lists, but first, here is the background of life in Antarctica.

There are two different seasons in Antarctica: summer and Winter. For the laymen, that’s when it’s light 24 hours a day (summer) and then when it’s dark 24 hours a night (Winter). It’s not by accident that “Winter” is capitalized and “summer” is in lowercase. This is because you need to respect Winter.

I have spent four Winters in Antarctica. While there have been changes to the Winter schedule, when I Wintered in Antarctica at McMurdo Station, the largest of the three American bases on the 7th Continent, a plane with all of our friends, hopes, dreams and escape plans left in February. The next time we would see the lights of a plane in the sky would be in August.

In other words, shit got real when that last plane left. We had to trust we had enough food, talent and toilet paper to last us until the end of August. This is because, as the saying goes, “If we don’t have it, then you don’t need it. And, you don’t need it, because we don’t have it.”

If you run out of chicken, then you eat pork. When you run out of pork, you eat lamb, when you run out of lamb, you eat hamsters--hamsters are, what we called, microwavable breaded (or deep fried) ham and cheese Hot Pockets™®.

In other words, the grocery stores are open; quit panicking. When you’re outside, hoping your squirrel trap has been bountiful today, this is the time to panic. However, today, it’s not minus 45 degrees outside. Walmart will be restocked soon, put on your mask and gloves and purchase only what you need. Then go home.

And, if Walmart is out of toilet paper, hook a garden hose to your faucet and clean your ass, and be happy your water supply doesn’t give you frostbite.

It’s going to be fine.

In Antarctica, we were living like it was Gilligan’s Island, “No phone, no lights, no motorcar, not a single luxury.” The only difference was we had phones, lights and motorcars, but when we went outside it was minus 45 –degrees—not a luxury. Stay inside on your couch and be happy that when you do go outside to take out the trash, walk the dog or mow your lawn, you’re not getting third degree frostbite and having your toes cut off.

This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy watches Netflix. This little piggy stays home.

Speaking of movies and TV shows, my good God, we would have loved to have had Netflix, bootlegged versions of Game of Thrones, YouTube or Facebook in Antarctica. Instead, the entirety of McMurdo’s bandwidth is mostly for Science.

Rarely could I “LOL” with my friends on Facebook or “YOLO” with spring breakers at the beach. Nope, Science is the priority in Antarctica.

Science, I tell you. A bunch of people, who we called “Beakers,” is the entire reason McMurdo Station exists. These Scientist are in Antarctica to prove or disprove Global Warming and/or can penguins fly and/or are penguins cute. Generally, they proved it, but why listen to scientists?

Scientists went to school and studied stuff, but have they ever studied the “economy” or “Facebook?” Can you imagine an entire community who listens to scientists? Oh wait, you can? Possibly because we’re in a global pandemic? Yeah, listen to scientists?

During my Winters in Antarctica, I could go days and only see the one person who I worked with, and guess what? I hated him.

In the community, we called him “Skin Suit.” This was his nickname because, even though he passed his battery of psychological examinations, which are required in order to Winter-Over in Antarctica, he said to Suzy—a la “Silence of the Lambs.”

“I wish I could wear your skin, so I could touch you all day.”

So, there I was, working at the bottom of the world, with Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gume as my coworker for six months, in total darkness, and do you want to know how I got along with him (aside from the one time I threw hot coffee in his face)? I complimented his outfits. I tried to look for the positive in the people who surround me.

My first job in Antarctica, I was a dishwasher. I left my home, friends and a girlfriend to seek this adventure. I’m still happy with two out of three of those decisions.

The first year I spent in Antarctica there was a “Dishwasher Emergency” at the South Pole (850 miles from the sea level solitude of McMurdo). Just like we need grocery store employees, drive through food and universal health care, the South Pole needed a dishwasher—and they chose me.

The South Pole is located at 9,301 feet above sea level. That’s not very high. When I live my life in my hometown of Salt Lake City, I live at 4,327 feet above sea level. I have climbed high mountains in Utah, like Mt. Timpanogos that is 11,752 feet and Mt. Nebo that is 11,928 ft. I’m not healthy, but I’m also not fat.

When I was asked to work at the “high altitude” of 9,301 feet of the South Pole, I said, “Okay. I’ve done that.”

However, what I didn’t know, was that because the South Pole is at “The South Fucking Pole” it’s not just about the altitude. The South Pole has a variance of altitude because of the Earth’s centrifugal force which makes the South Pole seem much higher than the actual 9,301 feet. At times it can feel, because of lack of oxygen, as though you are over 12 or 13 thousand feet.

Before going to the South Pole, the doctors and scientists said I should take “prophylactic acetazolamide” to combat the feelings of high altitude sickness. However, my friend Donald said, “You’ll be ‘okay.’” He said that since he was from Colorado and I was from Utah, that I would be fine, because I was “use to the high altitude.”

I was at the South Pole for eight days. I quit taking prophylactic acetazolamide on day four, because I was feeling great. I listened to Donald.

On day eight, I nearly died. This wasn’t Utah. Because I’d lived at sea level for four months at McMurdo Station, and Donald didn’t know shit, my pulse oximeter (the amount of oxygen which should be in my blood and close to 100) was 52. I was failing breathing.

Pulmonary edema cut the oxygen supply to my brain making me think 3 + 7 = Cat. The South Pole doctor said, “Phil, you are two to four hours from death.”

All flights to the South Pole were canceled on this day, due to weather, but, due to “2 to 4 hours of death,” a C130 National Guard Airplane risked their lives and flew from McMurdo Station to rescue me at the South Pole. If not for universal Antarctica Health Care, I could be dead.

On this day, I learned I needed to listen to the scientists, and not to Donald.

This story ended up being too long. I’m sorry. I’ve lived through isolation, listened to friends, instead of the medical community, and somehow I’m still alive. How did Antarctica prepare me for the isolation of the coronavirus?

1: Do something today better than you did yesterday. Did you go to bed sooner? Wake up earlier? Brush your cat?

2: Exercise. In Antarctica my exercise routine was called, “Brushing the Dust Off of David.” There is no reason to take a hammer and chisel to David. All you need to do is to take a wet cloth and brush off the dust. Do 10 sit ups, pushups, or jog in place. Be happy with who you are, and barely maintain. If you set higher expectations, you might fail. Simply, brush the dust off of your personal David.

3: Do something better today than you did yesterday. There were many times in Antarctica I got more drunk on Friday than I did on Thursday. I’m not advocating alcoholism, but lower your expectations. Don’t look for perfection when a glass of wine might do.

4: Did you make your bed after you woke up? Some days you will go to bed and your biggest accomplishment will be, “I made that bed today.” Congratulations.

5: Groundhog Day. Every day may seem like yesterday, but, how did you make it different? In Antarctica, after six months of Winter the trash shelves are lined with “Learn ‘This Language’ in 30 Days” DVDs. Nobody accomplishes a lot during the isolation of Winter. But, if we do little, then that is a lot.

6: Communication. Does your phone work? In Antarctica, no one can call us, so we have to call out. Instead of waiting for ‘that phone call.’ Make it.

7: Don’t go outside. It’s too cold. In the Covid-19 case, it’s too dangerous. My dad goes to dialysis three times a week; please don’t kill him. Don’t go outside.

8: Appreciate your pets. In Antarctica we are not allowed to have pets. I started the “Antarctica Cat Club.” All we did was share photos of our cats from home that we wished to be with. Now, we get to live a cat’s life. Nap. Eat. Shit. Nap. Clean. Nap. Eat. Repeat.

Love your pets you lucky sons of bitches.

9: Art. Be creative. Rather you’re by yourself or preferably, with only yourself. Do something artistic. For instance, today, I chose to write this Manifesto. In Antarctica a group of us recreated the (drunk) history of the race to South Pole by Roald Amundsen and Robert Scott (https://vimeo.com/35084075). What will you or your isolated group create?

10: Know that it ends. A plane will come and take you away or scientists will tell you it’s safe to go outside. And then, it’s over. You take off your mask and gloves. You shop at a grocery store, you go to a movie, you hug your parents or, you love being able to hold those who you love.

Stay warm. Stay isolated. And, stay indoors.

[micah68riseabove-blog]

The Story

So, it’s been a year since I last had a conversation with my brother. He had called me around 12:30 on a Thursday night, which is odd. I hadn’t been sleeping well and took a look at my phone around 4 a.m. to see the missed call. So I called him back and left a message. Feeling worried I struggled to fall back to sleep. I finally gave up and had my coffee around 5:30 and then proceeded with my normal morning of getting the kids off to school. I hustled to get ready for a day of chaperoning at BizTown for Joe’s 5thgrade field trip. Still feeling worried I shot a text to Houston and called my Mom to see if anything was up. Unsure of why he had called, my mom said everything seemed to be okay. He was downstairs sleeping.

I periodically checked my phone throughout the day and finally got a text from Houston, upon his waking. He had the privilege of sleeping until his heart desired (insert eye-roll emoji here). Remember it was because of him that I’d been up since the 5 o’clock hour. He reassured me that he had just called to talk. My response was, “you really thought I’d be up after midnight, on a school night?” LOL We talked as I drove home from BizTown. We talked about everything. He had some concerns about our Dad. We talked openly about his struggle with addiction and he reassured me that he was doing well and taking good care of himself. He asked about the kids and my job and lots of things that other people don’t always take the time to ask me about. I even pulled over when I got close to home to make sure I could soak up the conversation, as these phone calls were rare. We said, ‘goodbye, I love you and can’t wait to see you next weekend.”

Well the next weekend came, President’s Day weekend, and we were supposed to head up for a visit. Life happens, ya know and Joe and I came down with the flu. The type of flu where nothing stays down and you don’t move much from the couch. We were down for the count so our visit was off. I still to this day think, “why?” Why in the world were we kept from visiting that weekend? I’ll never quite understand. Tony comforts me and says, “who knows, maybe you would have gotten into a fight or disagreement of some kind…maybe God was protecting you from things ending badly between the two of you.” It’s hard to imagine because we did get along so well, but I try to find peace in his suggestions. Some days it’s oh so hard…especially now as President’s Day weekend is again approaching. I find myself leaning towards anger again…anger that I didn’t get that last visit in.

One week after having the flu I went in to coach my Sunday Funday crew. I remember the morning so well…it was a power day (my favorite type of workout to coach). I even got to take some brag board pictures with a few of our dearest members. I headed out the door feeling great about the morning and called Tony to make sure he had Joe ready for baseball tryouts. I could hear something different in his voice and he told me to just come home. He said that we wouldn’t be going to tryouts and he’d explain at home. My mind was racing. I thought “oh my word, what the heck did those boys do.”

When I walked through the door Tony grabbed my phone, afraid someone else would call or text with the news. The boys, along with their cousin Hayden were up in Joe’s room. All they were told was to pack their suitcases…we’re going to Grandma’s for the week. They had no idea what had happened.

Tony proceeded to walk me down the stairs to the basement and as soon as we got down the steps, he said, “I’m so sorry to tell you, but your brother is dead.”

I immediately collapsed and screamed and cried louder and longer than anything I’ve ever heard. I collected myself at one point just enough to ask him if he was sure, how do you know. I had so many questions running through my head. He told me what he knew and once I calmed down a bit we knew it was time to tell the kids. Talk about nerves and emotions like you’ve never felt...Oh boy.

We called the boys down (Stella was at my sisters), sat by their sides and told them the hardest news they had ever heard in their young lives. They cried, asked questions, we hugged and held each other and from there I just didn’t know what to do. All I knew is that I couldn’t get to my parents and sisters fast enough.

In come our dear friends who took our dog, helped us pack and get out the door, Tony drove in what seemed like the longest trip of my life. A few hours later we got to my parents house where it was filled with people. I immediately hugged Dad and we just sobbed. I finally found my mom and hugged and cried with her as well.

When I say that my parents house was filled with people…I mean it. Standing room only with people showing their love and support. They brought homemade food all week long. My cousin even had to bring a third refrigerator over to store all the goodies brought our way. There were moments of laughter, uncontrollable tears and consoling, singing, reading and sometimes just mind-numbing silence as we all asked “why? What did you do Houston? This can’t be true. This cannot be our new reality.

Well, it is. We are approaching the one-year mark of Houston being gone. It’s by far been the toughest thing we have all gone through. I loved him so much. We shared a room from his birth until I turned thirteen and we had a special bond. To live without him is like an amputation. A part of me is gone and will never be back on this earth again. We all have to learn to live without him and to learn to live with the pain that his absence brings. It’s a pain that will never go away. It’s a pain that changes you. It takes determination and strength, day after day to put our best foot forward and live the best life we can without him here. He was special, one-of-a-kind.

As I write this, tears stream down my face in remembrance of that turmoil. Hearing the finality of “he’s gone” still hurts. The weeping and wailing of my parents will never leave my mind. Watching all 10 kids grow up in an instant through the reality of death is just heartbreaking

February will most likely always be my least favorite month and I’ll try to hurry through it, but at the same time, I refuse to let it own me. I will not allow myself to fall into depression. I will show up day after day and shine whatever light I may have in me. That is God, my friends. It is the strength of God that gives us the energy to carry on for each other. So February, you can suck it, cuz you’ve got nothing on us as a family.

[3monthsineurope]

August 5, 2021

Thursday morning, Ingvar and I got up at 4:30! We were going to California for a wedding for his cousin. It was sure an early day! We had packed up the day before, so we just got ready and made some oatmeal for a small breakfast. Ingvar drove my car down to SeaTac. Our first stop was Crusin’ Coffee, right by our place. Ingvar got a coffee, but I had already had a Xanax for my anxiety, so coffee didn’t seem like the best idea. The drive down was east! I had no anxiety, which was so nice!

We got the the Master Park B parking lot right around 7am. We hopped on a shuttle and got dropped off at the airport. Ingvar and I were so excited! We didn’t have bags to check, but the security line was pretty long. I skipped TSA pre check, since Ingvar doesn’t have it. We waited about 20 minutes, but eventually made it through security. I haven’t had my bags pulled aside to be searched in ages, which has been nice. Once we got through security, we went to the American Express Centurion Lounge. It was my first time in this lounge! We got escorted in and we each got a mimosa. The food was probably the best I’ve had in lounges! Maybe it was that way because things are getting more “normal”, now that Covid is starting to dissipate? I had some toast with a nut butter and berries, some yogurt with blueberries, and a small smoothie. Ingvar also had some sliced meat and cheese. I finished Ingvar’s mimosa and he got a beer. The lounge is just such a nice start to our airport experience!

We hung out at the lunge for about a half hour, then it was time to head to our gate. We didn’t have to take the train, so we just made our way to the D gates. We were flying into Ontario, CA, which is about an hour east of LA, and we were flying with Alaska Airlines. The flight itself was about two and a half hours and easy. Ingvar read on my Kindle, and I slept, haha. Once we arrived at Ontario, it was so hot! It was in the mid 90s that day! We arrived around noon, and found out that Uber doesn’t go to the airport, and that Lyft had “limited” drivers. So, we went outside and got a taxi, like the old days, haha!

The driver was really jerky, which almost made me feel sick! And I was still wearing a sweatshirt from traveling, and the AC in the taxi wasn’t working very well. But, we made it to the town of our Airbnb, Upland! It was about a 20 minute drive. The Airbnb owner had sent me an email with some places to eat at in Upland. Ingvar and I had looked them up earlier, and decided on a place called Butter. We had the taxi drive drop us off there, and I was very happy to get out of that car!

Butter looked really cute! It had plants all around as decor. We dropped our bags off at a table, and headed up to the counter to order. I ended up getting a breakfast sandwich on a biscuit, with tater tots, while Ingvar ordered huevos rancheros with roasted potatoes. I also ordered an iced dark chocolate mocha and loved it! The food was really tasty! We really enjoyed the lunch of breakfast food at Butter. While we were there, I texted our Airbnb host, Reed, that we were in town. He ended up calling us around 1:30, telling us that our place was ready! It was really nice to not have to wait around until normal check in time, at 3. We called a Uber and it was just a five or so minute drive to our place! We had a great driver, Neuman. He told us about Upland and was just a really nice guy. We dropped us off in a really nice area. It was a one story house, with our door in the back. Our little apartment was so cute! We unlocked the door with a code and entered into a little kitchenette and eating area, with a bathroom and bedroom off of it. The bathroom had a shower, the kitchen had a mini fridge and microwave and table. The bedroom had a closet and honestly so much storage. It was perfect for our little two day trip!

Ingvar wasn’t feeling the best when we got there (probably exhausted from traveling and not much sleep, also the heat), so we decided to hang out in our place for a bit. We turned on the AC in the bedroom and watched some of the Tokyo Olympics and both took about an hour long nap. After a few hours of relaxing, we both felt a lot better! We decided to use Instacart for the first time (Instacart will go grocery shopping for you and drop off off for you, within a few hours). We had free delivery for being first time users, and we decided it would be cheaper than us taking an Uber to a grocery store, then grocery shopping, then taking another Uber home. We ordered some sandwich stuff and some fruit to eat over the next few days. We hung around and checked out the pool while we waited for our order, then it showed up around 6.

We made some sandwiches for dinner and then went swimming in the pool! We met Reed, our host, while we were on the patio. He is a nice, grandpa aged man. He enjoyed chatting with his guests, you could just tell. He and his wife live in the house, and we had access to their pool and patio. He made the connection for me that the wedding venue for the next day, Sweet Pea Ranch, is on the way up to Mount Baldy! Mom, Dad, Haley, and I had been to a wedding on Mount Baldy almost three years prior, to the date! We all had went to a wedding for my dad’s friend, Gerald. How funny that I was back in the same area! Ingvar and I stayed out in the pool for a while— the temperature was so nice! It was 85 when we were swimming, but it felt colder? We decided it was probably the humidity. At home, when it’s 85, the humidity is also high, so it feels hotter.

After hanging out in the pool, we called it a night. We watched some more of the Olympics and Ingvar watched a movie (I didn’t pay too much attention). We actually booked a trip to visit Aunt Lisa and Uncle Mike in Phoenix, in November! So that made me really happy! I found round trip tickets for under $150 each. We went to bed before midnight. It was a really nice travel day! Ingvar and I were having a blast, being together. :]

[thepheonixesorphanage]

30 Day OC Challenge

So my friends and I decided to do a 30 OC Challenge just for fun! I’ve decided to post the first 10 days here. Feel free to read and give me any feedback. I’d love criticism or comments on what you think of them. Very much looking to improve on my writing.

Days 1-10 below the cut. 

DAY 1: Introduction

Elliot was red. She was cherry lollipops and red vans. Her skin was tan and freckled like constellations, but inside she was burning a dark red that was hot to the touch. Her personality singed skin and left marks that you wanted to show off. With determination and confidence, she owned herself and didn’t let anyone forget that. She was a touch of spice you didn’t know you wanted until you got a taste. And it burned. But oh was it just right. Elliot Katherine Demarco. Even her name rolled off the tongue like waterfalls crashing onto rocks, or the sheathing of a newly forged blade. She was the jump out of an airplane, the start of an avalanche, the build up of adrenaline, and you couldn’t get enough.

June was just as June as her name portrayed her to be. She was vibrant in an array of colors only she could see and outgoing like a bird eager to take flight. She was dark skinned with soft edges that made you want to get lost, with hair just as all over the place as she was. A standard unto her own that no one could take. Her mind was scattered, tangled in thought and question that never seemed to stop. She was warm summer nights that left imprints of curiosity and wonder, a desire unspoken on the tip of the tongue. Her dark brown eyes were filled with a never ending burst of excitement and fascination that you didn’t want to look away from. June was warm, sweet, intoxicating, and everyone craved more.

DAY 2: Job

Lulu’s Cafe was that small coffee shop in downtown San Francisco. It had a cute hipster vibe on the outside with a calm rustique charm on the inside that was always thriving during lunch time no matter the day. Lulu’s cafe was the place that attracted the young teens and hipster wannabes. Mason was made for Lulu’s. A coffee enthusiast, with a love for the simple things in life, and not to mention, a hipster girls wet dream. Mason was a doc martin’s, plaid shirt and leather jacket kind of guy, complete with a close shave and thick, wavy, brown hair.

The customers loved Mason. His customer service routine was equipped with big smiles, laughter, and pleasant conversations between him and the guests. This is what made him so good at his job. Everything he did was genuine. But that’s the kind of guy Mason was. Lulu’s was happy to have Mason, and Mason was happy to have Lulu’s.

Monty’s theater was a fifty plus year old theater in the heart of San Francisco with the charm of a typical grandmother’s home. The type of home with a bowl of strawberry candies and pillow mints that no one knew where they came from or how long they had been there for. The theater smelt of fresh popcorn and at times, the vague lemony scent of furniture polish. As anything over fifty years would be, it was falling apart, with its fading carpet that looked like it belonged in a blockbuster video store, and cabinets that were barely hanging on to its last nail. Even though the theater was a bit “outdated”, to Kam, it was home. Or at least a second home. He had become close friends with the people he worked with and enjoyed his time there. Even though the pay wasn’t the best, Kam treasured the small theater for the people he met and the coworkers he had befriended, and goddammit, he knew he would be stuck there forever.

DAY 3: Hobbies

June spent 90% of her time with Jamie her best friend. At school, after school, before school, at home. They did everything from getting coffee to sleeping over to sneaking out at night. June typically had free range to do whatever she wanted when it came to her dad as long as it wasn’t illegal and she was home before 11pm. June often followed Jamie around after school. Instead of doing her homework she had taken to accompanying him to his improv practices in drama club on tuesdays and thursdays. Every other day, she spent the remainder of her time in her room either watching tv or “attempting” to do homework with Jamie. When Jamie was busy, June didn’t really know what to do besides watch TV or sit on the computer. Hobbies weren’t something she picked up on. Sure she didn’t mind reading but her attention span didn’t really allow her to sit for too long on one thing.

DAY 4: Family

Adopted from Hawaii just after birth, June was very much loved by her mother Stella and her father Aaron. Or so June thought. Four years later, June began to wonder how much her mother really loved her when she left them for another man and his family. Over the next 13 years, her mother kept in contact with her father but June wanted nothing to do with her. So much so she purposely went by June, the abbreviated form of her middle name Juniper, instead of her first name Stella; of course named after her mother. Just saying it was like vile in the back of her throat. June however, loved her father very much. He worked long and hard hours as an accountant to provide for her and gave her a wonderful life full of everything she could want and she saw that everyday when he came home from work with tired eyes. It was just the two of them, and that was how she liked it.

Two older brothers, one younger, her grandmother, a rather young mother and father, and of course, Elliot. The Demarco household was always full. Together Elliot and her family lived in a tiny trailer park that barely housed the lot of them but nonetheless, they made it work. There was never a dull moment. Noah and Liam, the two oldest fought over the dumbest of things. “Those are my fucking socks!” Liam would shout. “We have the same fucking pair!” Noah would shout back. Their mother would simply shake her head. The youngest Ben was always going on about the latest fad or interest. One week would be painting, the next would be basketball. Her grandmother, Camille, hogged the one tv they owned in the living room, always watching TLC or HGTV. Between that, or talking to her friend Janice on the landline from her weekly knitting club. John and Theresa, Elliot’s parents worked early in the morning and came home in the afternoon. Family time was important to them and even though they didn’t have a lot of money, they were happy. It was crazy and loud, and sometimes Elliot thought she’d go insane, but it was home nonetheless.

DAY 5: Friends

June was rather well known in school for her loud and funny personality. She didn’t care what people thought and loved making people laugh. She had a few people she might consider friends but they weren’t really the friends she went to for things or asked to hangout with on a daily basis. Jamie however, was her best friend. Like her, he too, didn’t care what anyone thought and just like her, had a big mouth, except he didn’t have a filter. They were the comedy duo of Ulysses Memorial High School. Jamie was openly gay and proud. He wore collared shirts buttoned at the top with pants in various patterns that changed depending on the day of the week. Every conversation he had usually consisted of, “So listen hoe,” or “Honey you did not?”, and 90% of the time, “Okay sunshine, calm down.” Sunshine was his nickname for June. No real reason in particular. Jamie happened to say it one day and it just stuck. He was the God of nicknames. June tried one day by calling him the “Full Moon” to her “Sunshine”.

“Are you calling me fat? Juniper Martell, calling her best friend full to his face. Okay hoe, I see.” Needless to say it didn’t catch on. Despite the terrible nickname, their friendship was like that of the sun and the moon. They both came with a strong force that brought them closer and no matter what came at them, they would always be there for each other.

It was Linda, Martin, Chris, Jack, and Elliot. Always together, anywhere in town, anytime of day. Besides school of course. Elliot shared a class with all of them except Martin, but they spent enough time outside of school that it didn’t matter. Most of the time they could be found in The Main, a small part of town where a lot of the local businesses were located, one in particular being Fun Center USA, their favorite. Linda and Martin always competed for the top score on Space Invaders. This typically took hours with a small crowd joining in to see the new record. Jack talked to the girls that came in on friday nights, and when there were no girls dumb enough to feed into what he had to say, he hit up the arcade. Elliot and Chris went straight to the batting cages. There was nothing like the rush of the impact and the sting of the bat in their hands. Seeing the ball shoot across the field made Elliot’s adrenaline pump and they constantly fought to see who could hit the ball harder and farther. Chris always said it wasn’t a contest and didn’t matter, but Elliot liked to argue it was because he couldn’t admit to losing. Elliot wouldn’t say she was exactly close to them all, but as far as friends went, she guessed they were a pretty cool group to run the town with.

DAY 6: Guilty Pleasure

Elliot could spend hours upon hours watching TLC. She blamed her grandmother of course but like she said, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” She was right of course, but Elliot wasn’t going to admit it. Cake boss was the shit. The cakes where beyond amazing. How in God’s name do they create these sculptures that you can EAT?! And the drama??? The show consumed her. She could care less whether it was real or not, that shit was entertaining. That and Four Weddings. Elliot never knew if she wanted to get married, or if she’d even get the option, but that didn’t stop her from rating other peoples weddings and seeing how terrible or great the night went. Some of the women on that show went all out spending thousands on a dress they’d only wear once, and the perfect venue they spend maybe five hours of their life at. Her favorites where the more bizarre brides. The ones with a halloween theme, or a batman themed wedding, or a fucking underwater theme. The list could go on. She would never outright tell anyone, but she had a soft spot for family and home channels.  

DAY 7: Casual Outfit

It was all bright colors for June. From yellow polka dotted pants to blue dresses to checkered skater skirts with bright purple tights. June’s closet looked like a rainbow exploded in her room. She accessorized with sparkly rings and necklaces that caught the light and large bangles that matched the days color scheme, if you could say she even had one. Her favorite shoes where a pair of basic black flats that buckled at the ankle and match anything and everything. Her go to pair for any outfit. June’s clothing was loud and bright just like her personality. It wasn’t a secret that she stood out in school, but if she was going to, she was going to own it.

Three pairs of ripped jeans, one nice for special occasions. Graphic tees galore. That was mostly what people gave up to thrift stores, but Elliot was happy to take them off their hands. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? Her favorite piece however, was her shoes. Red checkered vans, a birthday present from her parents. She wore them everywhere and anywhere. The only other pair was a beat up pair of off-brand black vans that she wore for when she was running out for something real quick. Elliot wasn’t one for accessories but she was always seen with a faded red backwards hat. It was against school dress code of course, but that didn’t stop her from carrying it along with her for when she decided to leave. Fashion and clothing wasn’t Elliots main focus. They were second handed and worse for wear, but her style was hers and no one could take that from her.

DAY 8: Formal Outift

Elliot was a same four outfits a week kind of person with only one formal outfit for whatever special occasion it called for. If it weren’t for her mother, Elliot would roll up to a wedding with ripped jeans and faded graphic tees, unfortunately her mother nagged to the point they spent a whole day at Goodwill and various other thrift stores looking for the perfect outfit. After trying on a skin tight, yellow mini dress, and a pant suit that made her look like she belonged in a Michael Jackson music video, Elliot found pants that just so happened to work perfectly with the top and shoes her mother found. Everything about the outfit was perfect. The pants were a navy blue with matching suspenders. The fabric stretched ever so slightly fitting the curve of her hips and buttoning at the waist. The top was a white and navy blue striped button up that Elliot tucked into the pants and rolled the sleeves to just below the elbow. The top was soft and lay perfectly over her shoulders, dipping into the curve of her waist, accentuating her feminine figure as the suspenders gave her a hint masculinity to the outfit. It was subtle but much needed addition to the outfit. Elliot felt beautiful and confident and thought maybe this wasn’t so bad afterall.  

DAY 9: Spirituality

June had been raised in a non-denominational church her whole life. Her father was a deacon at a reasonably big church a few miles downtown, and June participated in the choir like she had been doing since she was ten. She was religious, but when she discovered she was attracted to girls, she wasn’t so sure anymore. It’s not that she instantly decided God wasn’t real, but most christians preached such things as sin and that you’d end up in hell. Her church had never preached against it, it was just never really...brought up? June believed in Heaven and Hell, she believed in God, but to her something didn’t add up. Her father was a very religious man. Not the kind to drill the word of God into sinners of the world, just one proud to be Christian and expressed that through crocheted pillows and inspirational wall art. One day June would tell her father how she felt, but not for a while. Maybe when she went off to college? Or moved out of state? Or when the people of Earth decided to colonize Mars? Whichever came first.

Elliot’s family wasn’t the religious type. If anything, they’d call themselves agnostic. They knew something had to be out there, but what exactly, they didn’t know. The Demarco’s were quite possibly the most open minded and non-judgmental family anyone could meet. Elliot had come out to her family when she was thirteen. When she told her parents she thought she liked girls, her dad responded with a handshake and a, “Welcome to the club!” The oldest brother Liam responded with, “Wait, so you’re a fa-” but didn’t get to finish before their grandmother slapped the shit out of him, and never again did Liam say another word like that again.

DAY 10: Broken Temper

Mason was a calm type of mad. Not much angered him. Some days he didn’t get enough sleep, skipped coffee, or just wasn’t in the mood. When he was like this he mostly kept to himself. Slight nods, silent treatments, snappy answers. Kam knew not to bother him too much on days like that. Kam had seen Mason truly angry only once. The day began with much begging and a million please’s as Kam finally talked Mason into going to a free concert at a downtown bar. It was open to the public with local performers playing throughout the night. Everything was fine until Mason left to use the restroom and came back to find a man pushing himself on Kam. With a beer in one hand and the other holding on tightly to his shoulder, Mason’s expression changed in a heartbeat. The man leaned in close to talk to Kam, who in return, looked very uncomfortable. Mason knew Kam was too nice to tell him to leave him alone. He was about to politely pull Kam away, until the stranger moved his hand down the small of his back before pushing himself onto him. Mason was there in seconds, shoving the man off Kam. Mason’s voice was loud and harsh. “Hey, get the fuck off of him!” Mason could smell the alcohol on his breath, clearly drunk. “Fuck you man! You don’t own him!” He retaliated, stepping up to Mason who had a good few inches over him. Mason had him by the collar when he felt a light tug on his shirt. He turned around to see Kam holding on, his eyes soft and pleading. Mason turned back to the guy and let go, taking Kam by the hand and leading him out without another word. His grip was tight and firm as he made a beeline for the door. Kam’s only thought after that night was to see aggressive Mason more often.

No one could stop Elliot when someone made her mad. This isn’t the complaining and cursing about life and dumb people type of mad, but the type that actually made her snap. It wasn’t a surprise when people heard that Elliot was caught in a fight at school. Guys liked to test her and push her buttons and Elliot damn well made sure they knew what they had gotten themselves into. 90% of Chris and Jacks responsibility as her friend was spent keeping her out of fights or, when they were too late, pulling her off the poor guy that decided to say the wrong thing to her.

Unfortunately Chris was absent the day Elliot had overheard a conversation between Caleb and his friends over another kid a seat away who could clearly hear every word they were saying. Elliot wasted no time walking over to tell him to “Shut the hell up!” This led to some words being passed back and forth before Elliot took her fist to his face, leaving the giant man baby, as she called him, on the floor, stunned. The end result was a broken nose and a fractured hand, which Elliot thought was well worth it. When questioned by the principal as to why she did what she did, she answered with, “Well maybe if he had left Tyler alone and not decided to call him a, ‘faggot little bitch who can shove a ruler up his ass’, to the entire cafeteria, then maybe I wouldn’t have.” Elliot said holding onto her hand, her voice harsh, brown eyes sharp.  

The principal sighed, rubbing her hand down her face. Elliot had gotten to know Mrs. Larsen really well over the past few years.

[duallygirl178]

Dearest O'Malley Chapter 12

Chapter 12

It took me 2 months to pull myself back to health and being sad about losing Joe really got me. I didn't want to start working again as soon as I heard about it. I know that small things such as a relationship has came to an end don't upset me. I wasn't upset when Shay stopped hanging out with Nathan but when things like this happen, it takes me a long time to get over it. I too was really close to Joe since I was almost always up there. I know I would mess around with him when I needed something lined up. It would be a very hard, tough summer for me. Night after night, I'd sit under the carport looking sad. Nathan spent over 36 dollars trying to fix me while Natalie urged him not to give up. She went with him to see me. No matter what the problem was, I still missed Joe. Carol was transported to Good Sams to get better and it would be days before she could come home. The only person that could help now was Shannon; Buck's old landlord from Flora Vista. Nathan needed to go get him.

When Shannon came to the rescue one day, I started to feel a bit better. It had been after 5 years since I've seen him. He helped Nathan correct the problem and realigned my points. Then, when I started for him, it brought Nathan great joy. It was all on a Thursday afternoon in September and it was just in time because tomorrow would be my 51st birthday. Nathan took pictures of me t show Natalie. I quickly noticed I had worn off the affects of the nitrous from the college and let go of the pain of being sad. After all, the sun was shining and it was comfortably warm out. I would miss Joe but I will always remember him. When we went to get Natalie that Friday evening from her babysitting job. Natalie was happy to see me running again. Today, was my 51st birthday and we drove to celebrate it at SONIC as my birthday dinner. We ordered hamburgers and had master blasts  while listening to all my favorite songs on Natalie's phone. She recorded song over the week all for me. They all took me back in my day when those hit songs were written and sung on the air. I haven't heard songs like "Rip it up" in over 16 years and it really had been a long time since I've heard them all in a drive-in burger joint on a summer night. I was having a nice birthday and I was enjoying it all except for that two friends of mine that were missing to make it even better.

The moment after we got done eating, I started to make my way down the street headed home that night. I suddenly heard someone sing out to me about 4 feet behind me "Good Golly, Miss Molly!" and I wasn't paying any attention until the last minute on who it was. I heard it again. "Good golly, Miss Molly! Sure like a ball!" I looked behind me and it was Gonzo. I laughed and said "Uh-on. Someone come get Gadget-mobile...'Good morning Riverton'!"

It was a very good to see him here tonight. I haven't seen the ol' Saucer in weeks. When he finished laughing, Gonzo replied "Where've you been at the last few weeks?" I told him; "I got sick after I had surgery on my transmission and didn't run for two months." Gonzo gasped in surprise and said "Oh no. That's not good. Well, I hoped that you were able to get better." I agreed and remembered to tell Gonzo something important. I said "And I was able to get well because it's my 51st birthday. I'm an old man." Gonzo replied back "I remembered. Happy birthday, O'Malley. I had a gift for you, but I forgot it at home. Let me make it up to you. Tomorrow, I'll come by with it and give you a cake that I made to celebrate. You'll really like it. I made you a Recess cup ice cake." I smiled and said "You didn't have to do that. It's not a big deal." Gonzo refused and said "No, no. I insist because that's what friends do." I snickered and said "Alright, if you insist." Then Gonzo talked to me a few hours and then, had to get home after he was going to the dollar store. It was almost time for his TV show that he was hooked on. We headed home also with our bellies full of good old American food. When we got home, I got a nice birthday under-carriage rub from Natalie. It was a great present and whatever that Gonzo was going to get me, it was going to be even better. I've been enjoying a lot of those belly rubs from Natalie lately and they got better every time. Once I got a belly rub, they appear to come out like a lasagna in every place. I would get a massage under my chin, belly, sides and hood. I started feeling younger, healthier, and stronger. When Jan got up to wash dishes, the TV was ours to watch after she was done watching her Lifetime channel. I didn't mind, I was enjoying my massage from Natalie. She gave me a chin rub after she rubbed my belly. I wished Gladys could have given me massages, but she never did. I was guaranteed Natalie did a better job than anyone.

The very next day in the afternoon, Gonzo came over to 1025 which was where I lived at. He brought me cake and a gift over and he told me happy birthday even though my birthday was last night. We still celebrated it and ate cake. It was even better than the Village Inn restaurant because when it came to cake, Gonzo made the best.  When I opened my gift, it was a fifty dollar gift card to Starbucks. Gonzo wasn't so great at picking gifts but I have been craving Starbucks for a while and since I haven't been to Starbucks in a long time, I was sure to spend it on a latte and a cheese Danish for sure. I smiled and thanked Gonzo. He chuckled delighted and said "Now you can stop by Starbucks and those cheese Danishes and coffee won't be taunting you anymore." I told him "I had a few dreams about hot and doughy pastries like cinnamon rolls, donuts, scones, and Danishes that I wish I could pull right out of my dreams and bask into their sweet gooey sin of freshness. You did a good job of making this recess pie. I tell you what it makes all the cherry pies look shameful." Gonzo thanked me on the compliment and we updated on what we've been doing on each other. Other than me getting sick for almost 2 months, Gonzo's been doing good aside from him getting allergies from the cottonwood trees and getting stuck out in the sun, only to get worse in his condition. It was a good thing I didn't catch allergies coming to think of it while Gonzo talked on and on. I mean, holy flounder-flop, he talked as long as my cousin did.

After that, Gonzo had to head home because it was already 3PM and getting late. He needed to be home for dinner so, he let me have the rest of the cake. Gonzo departed as soon as he pulled out. The next day, I got to celebrate my 51st birthday again with Robin since he always remembered my birthdays. Robin took me out for lunch at DAD'S Diner by the mall. Robin encountered a jukebox, put a quarter in, and played "See you later alligator" by Bill Haley and His Comets which I hadn't heard that song in forever. It was one of my favorite songs. I instantly perked up and hummed along. Just as Robin was headed back to me, he saw me humming along to "See you later alligator" and said "You know, you're 51 years old. You need to loosen up, be cool and release your energy into some of that jive." I looked embarrassed. I haven't danced in a very long time and wasn't sure if I wanted to stand up and dance. I stuttered and said "Robin...I.…...I-I haven't danced in over 20 years. I don't even know if I want to dance in front of all these people." Robin blew raspberry and said "Oh come on. It's your birthday. You only get to be 51 once in your life. It'll be fun." I snickered and was finally into the groove since I loved that song so much, I could listen to it for days. So I got up and said "Okay, only if you dance with me, man. No matter how many people are staring." and Robin agreed. So we danced to the song and even got a kick out of it when the song ended. I had the most fun. Being 51 was great and it was about to get even better. After Dad’s Diner, we went on a little cruise in town. Robin blared the music to "Good Golly, Miss Molly" and we shouted to every classic car that was also out for a drive, parts of the lyrics to Little Richard's song in their faces. We got looks of "What are you talking about" on their eyes and lots of "Whoo hoo!" comments. I was sure having a great time and a great birthday. When the song ended, I was talking to Robin on how much fun I was having and I added "You know Robin, Folks my age should really goof off on special days or on young moments from being 17 years old. This us just...too much!" Robin bursted out laughing and said "I know. It pays for being 51 years old because old folks just want to have fun." Instantly, I thought of an idea and so I told Robin what it was. He laughed and reduced his speed to 10 miles an hour. He and I picked random cars in traffic and cruised by them for a few minutes. Then we would make them fishtail and stop dead in traffic. I sped up to a person with a Farmington High School bumper sticker on his 2008 Nissan Ultama. I got by the driver's side while driving in traffic and waited 20 minutes for the moment at 20 miles an hour and then, made the dude swerve over to the left side and right on the street until his car drove over on a curb. Robin and I bursted out laughing as we left the sucker in the dust. Robin did the same thing as I did. He drove up to a random car in traffic, pulled up, waited for the moment and swerved a little making the car fishtail. We started doing that until we turned down the street to fill up on motor oil. Robin couldn't wipe that smile off his bumper but it would take weeks to wipe the smile away.

The week before Carol came home, I heard some news that Erik had stolen her computer. I couldn't believe it! Stealing! From his own grandmother! It was treacherous.  This happened while I wasn't paying attention and how he broke in, was beyond me. Erik might have crawled through a spare room window and got the key to the computer room when I know it was locked. But I do know that Erik had stolen a lot of items from Joe and Carol before and then some at Wal-Mart. He was quite a bad person for a thief. I had this feeling that no one was going to do a thing about it to get it back. I didn't even hear him come in as I was reading Carol's books and relaxing on Joe's chair. I laid the book page-down to go see what else the little thief took with him. I came to the bookcase in the dining room with the antiques on top of it, and checked in the bowl where the computer key was. The key was still in there and so I grabbed the key to unlock the computer door. I opened the door, and saw the computer was gone. Next, I closed the door, locked it, set the key back into the bowl and thought about Joe's bedroom. I hunted all over the room to find what more Erik stole. I remembered Joe kept a pistol by his bedside for emergencies. It was gone too. I looked for the pistol but couldn't find it. I supposed Erik stole that too but I wasn't sure if it was true. I couldn't prove it because I didn't see it nor video record it. There was nothing I could do, so I went back to the living room and enjoyed the rest of the book. It would be up to Jan now to find out about what happened and believe what she saw. I still couldn’t believe Erik did such a horrible thing from his grandma. It was all because he wanted Nathan to buy him an expensive gaming system after Tiny was sold to a new home when Nathan's mother was a big priority than Erik. He threw a fit for a few days and Nathan still wouldn't buy him anything because Erik was disrespectful. Nathan didn't care and he always took care of things with love. Erik didn't deserve it. When Carol got home from Good Sam's that late September, after my birthday, we started to take care of her to help her live well again. She went downhill after several weeks and it was getting tiresome.  We knew it was time to call an assisted living care when Carol got too needy because She wanted Jan to stay up at her home and help her. Jan had work and couldn't give her the care she needed. Jan looked at several assisted living agencies and searched for their reasonable prices that only Carol could afford. None of them seemed to help Carol with the chores that needed done, although the nurses did help her change diapers and bathe her. It was time to make drastic measures. Jan called Good Sams and had her transferred to Aztec. The first week that Carol was there, the nurses didn't attend to her and took over an hour to get to her. Carol was going downhill fast and all we could do now was keep visiting her.

That Autumn season, I was having a conversation with Natalie. She was worried about something that Nathan was saying to her. I told her "Nathan always does this. He tried to scare me because I wouldn't start for him. He threatened to sell me to a home, but I outsmarted him. He doesn't start acting on what he says he was going to do." I added that Nathan needed to act more mature by following through on things he was asked to do. Natalie sighed and said "Why does he act that way?" I looked down almost ashamed of myself for telling her that Nathan was trying to win in an argument. I told her "Because he wants you to think you've done something wrong so he can win in the conversation." At that moment, I asked myself quietly 'Was that the best advice I could give?' Was it enough to make Natalie satisfied on how Nathan worked? I didn't feel that it was, but Natalie was very satisfied with the input I gave her. So, Natalie went back in the house and said nothing more...not even what I told her.

A while back, Nathan got a dog after Natalie had to surrender her new cat; Velvet that she got from the Durango animal shelter. What I didn't expect, was to get a pit-bull mix. She was pretty with the black and white but she talked a lot with moos. I knew Nathan wouldn't take care of her nor pay attention to her after a while of getting her. I liked Shyla because she had a different personality, she was full of energy and was funny. She didn't deserve to be left out on a chain on summer nights. She needed a good home with a family that had space and a yard. She needed someone who could walk her. Shyla had ran away a few weeks later but came back 30 minutes later. I remembered that Candy had done that a few times but I've never seen a dog that was so athletic that she could outrun a cheetah in Africa. When Shyla returned, she needed a large amount of discipline. She started walking all over Natalie with no boundaries and making sure Natalie was out of energy. But she didn't stop for Natalie to rest, she wanted to play another round of tug-of-war. Shyla would bring the toy to Natalie while she sat down. Instantly, Natalie got Shyla trying to reach up and grab the toy out of Natalie's clutch when she would jerk it higher than Shyla's reach. I watched her do that too-slow game to Shyla just for my entertainment. Then, I would take a turn to play with Shyla and give Natalie a break. The poor girl had been to the gym for 45 minutes and worked out hard on the treadmill. As I was playing with Shyla, I noticed Shyla had quite a grip. It was like trying to play tug-of-war with an alligator because that dog had a strong, tough grip. About 30 minutes later, Shyla gave up and laid down on the couch. I had finally exhausted Shyla in a game of tug-of-war. I had imagined I had more energy than Shyla. I put the toy on the table and had a seat next to Natalie and said "And that's how you exhaust a dog with tons of energy. I told you I could tire her out like that. Natalie gave me this tired but I'm-quietly-proud-of-you look on her face. I chuckled quickly. I had out-powered Shyla good enough.

That evening as we went into town, we stopped at the gas station to get me fed with gasoline. Our next stop was going to be Wal-mart because Jan needed to buy BOOST drinks while she's pn the run for the weekdays. Natalie was talking about treating Nathan to some new shirts to wear for the week. After I ate my gasoline meal, we pulled into the busy parking lot to Wal-mart. I prepared to wait 45 minutes for them to go shopping. I found out I had to wait only 30 minutes because I saw them coming out with a cart of groceries. Natalie and Nathan were loading the groceries into the trunk while Jan was let in to sit down. She was tired. It felt heavy from all those groceries weighing my balls to the ground. But it turned out, it didn't weigh me down. I was able to get it home with no problem. When we got home after Wal-mart, Natalie grabbed about 15 bags of groceries out of the trunk. Nathan told her and kept telling her to bring in 5 bags at a time. She didn't listen and kept bringing in all the groceries she could handle. After bringing in the groceries, I got a few side rubs from Natalie while Nathan tried on his new shirt. It was a black DEADPOOL Shirt that said "I have Issues" which matched Nathan so well. Recently, Nathan bought the movie "Deadpool" from Safeway and he just loved it. I've seen it once and thought it was pretty raunchy for me, but good for one time. There was a part in the movie where it reminded me of Impa and what he would say. Impa has had that personality that Deadpool had in his eyes. He said the same crude things Deadpool used once. Gonzo and I were even shocked that Impa would say such things but all that was 40 years ago. I didn't remember why Impa said that or who it was to. But besides my point, Nathan and Natalie would watch that movie over and over on occasional nights.

That very next day, Nathan was wearing his new Deadpool shirt. Natalie bought him another one that was white too but she didn't know why he wasn't wearing it. I wouldn't get to see the white shirt on him to know how Nathan liked it. Natalie had asked him "Why aren't you wearing your Beavis and Butt-head shirt?" Frankly, Nathan responded to her "It's hard for me to keep whites clean. Every time I wear them, they get stained." I looked at Natalie and remembered the last few white shirts that Nathan had were stained with something impossible to get out. Natalie told him "Well, if you aren't going to wear it, then I might as well wear it myself." Nathan chuckled as if he didn't mind. Natalie enjoyed wearing T-shirts better than those mule-twisted tees that were for sixth graders...not that I've ever seen or had a problem with her wearing them. I liked her in whatever she had in her closet; pants with a large tee, shorts with a t-shirt...whatever she owned.

A few weeks later, I noticed it was almost time for the Brookside park to have its annual car show. I had to look spiffy and clean for the judges to see. Natalie was already getting a hop on it. She vacuumed my interior out and did everything to get me ready. She worked hard to get the dirt out and the ashes that were in my ash tray from when Jan emptied her ciggs. After a few "Ows" and a lot of "Take it easy. you're hurting me" cries, Natalie was done vacuuming the interior.

A day before the car show, Natalie gave me a bath and scrubbed me down with soap herself. I had to say, it was the best bath I ever gotten. She wore shorts that she sewed together out of her old pants and wore a long t-shirt. I got a little excited and said "Now all you need to be wearing is a shorty-short shirt with a bikini bottom and you'll be all set." I chuckled after I just imagined Catherine Bach's body with Natalie's face on it. Natalie gave me a strange but silly eyes and said "Oh sure, yeah right." She was more confidently happy about her figure than most husky girls. Natalie was my kind of girl with that-girl-as-good-as-she-looks personality. It was like a whole new spunk for me.

Natalie was very thorough when she scrubbed. It felt good as she scrubbed my hubcaps and tires hard. It was like getting a finger massage in hot coconut oil. She gave me a better bath than Nathan and it wasn't normal for Nathan to allow other people to wash any of us three cars. I hated the part where I was sprayed down with a high pressure of water. Now as for the washing part, Natalie loved to use a sponge with soap on it. Next time, if I wanted a bath, I wanted Natalie to do it from now on. That night, Sonic was having a classic car party because it was registration night. I got nervous I wasn't going to be able to park next to Robin this year. I remembered there was a time when I didn't get to do that. I've been parked and seated next to strangers that were terrible. I was used to being close to Robin and I didn't do so hot with strangers. In 2015 of summer, I almost had a fight with an Oldsmobile and I didn't want to go through that again.

[365-of-2019]

Today is August 7, 2020. I am currently on a flight home to Atlanta after spending more than two weeks out West in Colorado and Utah. Though I am coming off a desert adventure, I am sitting on this plane feeling intensely anxious. The last time I remember feeling this way was during my sophomore and junior years of college—the years in which I couldn’t see straight and didn’t sleep properly for weeks at a time. So, I am scared. I would very much prefer not to spiral in the way that I did 3 years ago. I would prefer to prove to myself that I have grown since then, and that I have ways of dealing with my anxiety other than just pretending it doesn’t exist. If it turns out that I am unable to handle my anxiety, then I will need to follow up on my years-long intention of getting professional help. Anyway. I wanted to open up a blank page and write a little bit about the past two weeks, rather than writing about my job and my stress levels.

For context: the world is still in the middle of a pandemic. In the US, COVID-19 cases continue to rise every day as public officials make laws, take back laws, and take back their take backs. In general, flying is frowned upon. When I drove up to the Atlanta airport two weeks ago, I felt enormous tidal waves of guilt. I felt selfish, ignorant, and borderline idiotic. But I still went through with it. So I guess none of those feelings really matter.

This summer, Maddie worked for Jefferson County in Golden, Colorado. She was a trail specialist and spent three days a week performing maintenance on trails all around Jefferson County. At the same time, Nevada was driving around the West Coast, spending time in California, Nevada, Arizona, and Colorado. For the past two weeks, both Maddie and Nevada have been living in the suburbs of Denver.

With both of my sisters in a city that I have always wanted to visit, and with the opportunity to work remotely from any location I choose, I felt like I could not pass up such a special moment in time. Special feels like the wrong word to use. I may look back on this decision and think, “IDIOT!” But, for now, I feel grateful for concentrated time with Maddie, who is growing and evolving so quickly and confidently.

I arrived in Colorado on July 23. That weekend, Maddie and I, along with her roommate Emma, made a drive out to Great Sand Dunes National Park. It was wild. There was sand everywhere. The hills were steep and tough to trek, due to our feet sliding backwards four inches with every step we took. But, we eventually found our own little peak to claim. And then we claimed it by eating peanuts and dancing to Harry Styles and throwing our cowboy hats into the wind. We finished the day by ordering six burritos in the drive thru of La Casita, and eating them in the Colorado wilderness. A hard Saturday to beat.

The next day, we met up with Nev to check out UC Boulder’s campus. We grabbed coffee at a Boulder café, walked around the Quad, found Varsity Bridge, and talked smack about our family members. I am so thankful for those moments—no matter how nasty or silly or irritating we may be when we are all together, we are all together.

Unfortunately (the word “unfortunately” is comical in this context), I was not permitted to take more than two days of PTO while in Colorado. For the last week of July, I worked a four-day week before we set off on our four-day weekend in the desert.

We left Thursday night and drove to an Air BnB in Grand Junction, Colorado. We woke up the next morning and drove straight to Arches National Park—the park I have been dreaming of ever since I went to Zion with Zander last year! It was 105 degrees. The air was dry. There were no trees. It was amazing.

Because I am obnoxious and feel the need to prove points that don’t need to be proven, I suggested that we attempt the longest hike in the park—an 8-mile loop through the most northern tip of Arches. To my surprise, Maddie and Emma agreed. Maybe they shouldn’t have. But they did! So we set off! We made it about halfway through the trail—seeing some beautiful arches along the way—and then spent about 90 minutes trying to locate the correct path to take to lead up through the second half of the loop. It was a little bit fun and a little bit concerning.

I love National Parks and I love the West because they make you feel small. You can look at a canyon or a mountain or the clear night sky and feel like a speck. Which then means that all of your problems and worries are smaller than specks. And that’s nice. However, when you are lost in the middle of a canyon, feeling small is not so reassuring. As we drank the last sips of our water, we decided to turn around and cut our losses. So, we did not complete the 8-mile loop, but we did complete an 8-mile hike. I was so thankful to be with my sister in nature. Not even a powerfully persistent dry mouth could ruin the day.

That night, we camped at a private campsite in Moab. We grabbed fresh corn, broccoli, and vegan sausages from the grocery store and grilled them over charcoal. We slept in Emma’s tent, sleeping on the camping pads that I purchased last November when Kristy and I spent the night on Maddie’s dorm floor. I had not been camping since I was little, and I had not felt so disconnected from technology since my time in Uganda. It was a welcome change.

We woke up to the blazing sun burning through the side of our tent, and set off for another stint at Arches. The second time around, we waltzed around the more touristy parts of the Park, taking ~4 minute walks to reach beautiful viewpoints. It was relaxing. And beautiful. And I think we were all happy to have the car within a half mile.

Arches was everything I thought it would be. I wish I could explore the that place for weeks, rather than days.

The second night in Moab, we drove to a Utah state park called Dead Horse Point. It sits at the northern end of Canyonlands National Park. It was insane. I saw the Grand Canyon last year, so I know what big canyons look like, but this one still took my breath away and had me repeatedly saying, “Wow,” like an idiot. I hope that that feeling never goes away no matter how many feats of nature I come across.

We asked the park ranger if we could stay past closing hours, and he suggested that the answer was yes. We laid on the rocks of the canyon wall for hours, watching the sky turn from neon orange to dark blue. It was the night before a Full Moon, and the light of the moon lit up the canyon walls so brightly that we ran and danced and played music until nearly 11PM. The tiny desert mice made a couple of appearances. We said thank you.

Day three in the desert: we drove to the center of Utah. Along our drive, we saw signs that said, “No Services for 100 Miles.” We thought we were in the desert in Moab. But when we drove farther West, we started to realize that Moab is a bustling city in comparison to the center of the state.

We spent the afternoon at Little Wild Horse Canyon, a slot canyon near Goblin Valley State Park. We had a photoshoot between the canyon walls and soaked up the shade that the narrow slots created. It was a beautiful, totally unique ~4 mile hike that left us in high spirits.

That night, we stayed at a campsite in Goblin Valley. Emma got us some firewood and we roasted corn over a fire. Maddie made me tiki masala with chickpeas. There were signs at the campsite that advised boiling water before consuming. We tried. It was very bad.

After dinner, we drove to the valley of the park to soak up the stars. Goblin Valley is home to one of the darkest night skies in the US, and we could tell how special that darkness was, even in the blinding moonlight. Maddie and Emma stripped and ran around the valley naked. I curled up in the crevice of a boulder and stared up for an hour. Sometimes, I wish I would not be such a square. Sometimes, I appreciate my ability to choose the things that bring me most satisfaction, even when others are telling me that I am choosing incorrectly. But that’s for another time.

We drove home to Golden the night after our rendezvous with the goblins, and we all took showers and curled up on the couch after nearly four full days in the desert heat.

I have already written this so many times, which I hope suggests that it is authentic: I am so thankful for experiences like the one I had last weekend. Particularly in the midst of a world that is stressful for me as an individual, but also stressful for global society, I feel so lucky to have the relationships and resources at my fingertips to experience truly special pieces of life. Never have I ever wanted to buy a van and live off of rice and beans so badly. There is so much that I haven’t seen and so much that I want to see again. I often feel as though I approach life like a race—trying to squeeze in experiences even when doing so is inconvenient or difficult or exhausting. I hope this is a good thing. I am not sure yet.

I spent the last four days working from Maddie’s home in Golden. She finished up her summer job this week, and is driving back to North Carolina this weekend. I am landing in Atlanta tonight and moving into my new apartment tomorrow. Jake and Dad are driving down from Raleigh to help me with the insane one-day moving process. They are kind.

I am stressed about work, stressed about moving, stressed about money, stressed about COVID-19, stressed about the social and political atmosphere of the country. Sometimes, it is so much that I break into tears without any specific triggers. But at the same time, I am feeling such immense gratitude. I have siblings who are so smart and thoughtful and unique. I have spent more time with Mom and Dad in 2020 than I did in the four years previous. Zander is loving and kind and gives me advice when I feel helpless. I have a job that is challenging, but full of some of the brightest people I have ever met. I am moving in with one of my best friends from college tomorrow, making a beautiful apartment on 14th Street into our home. I got to see the desert and soak up the dirt. So, really, life is very very good.

[fairyshuuu]

A star like her (M)

Genre: Pure angst Length: 3.8k Warning: mature topics, mentions of scary stuff (I don’t want to spoil it)

Mon 12 Sep

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey Erika! I just wanted to ask how far out you were, since I’m waiting for you at the bridge. Bring your math assignment.

Tue 26 Sep

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey Erika. Uhm, you should really stop putting your phone on airplane mode. Anyway, I ran into the new kid at school today. I literally ran straight into him. Before you say anything, that is not funny. I’m just glad we both didn’t get hurt. I’ll tell you the details when you arrive. So hurry your late ass up.

Fri 30 Sep

To Eripoo << Bring my straightener. (16:15)

Thursday 6 Oct

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Erika, hey. I need to tell you something. I ran into the new kid again. Well, not actually into him this time. I just saw him at the grocery store. His name is Kyungsoo. Either way, are you coming tonight or not? Because if you are, we can drive with Max.

Sat 29 Oct

New contact added: Do Kyungsoo

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey Erika. I just got home. I’m too drunk to be mad at you right now, so I’ll just let you know that I’m fine. Kyungsoo walked me home. He’s nice. Anyway, I hope you and Max had a great time, because you ruined mine.

2 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-3010 left at 03:43 Hey. I- I’m sorry. I’m glad you got home safe. I guess you already went to sleep since you didn’t pick up. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Coffee on me tomorrow. And I’ll pay the game’s tickets. Deal?

New voice-mail from 754-3010 left at 03:48 I forgot to say that you left your laptop at my house again. I’ll bring it around tomorrow.

Sun 30 Oct

To Eripoo << I’ll forgive you (09:56) << I have a horrible headache. (09:57) >> Meet at five? (10:02) << Yup. (10:15)

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. I swear to God, Erika! You told me you would meet me at David’s, and then you let me wait there for more than an hour before telling me you can’t make it. I honestly don’t care about your excuse this time.

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-3010 left at 19:12 I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. I’m your best friend, you know you love me. Max and I were hanging out and I fell asleep. That’s not an excuse, it’s the truth. I’m sorry, Bambi, really.

To Do Kyungsoo << Just wanted to say thank you (20:02) << You saved my ass (20:03) << Again (20:05) >> It’s fine. (20:17) >> Just treat me to coffee some time (20:18) >> I just read that back, I didn’t mean like that (20:39) << I’ll treat you to coffee any day (20:41)

Mon 31 Oct

To Erika

>> Are we still meeting after school? (12:09)

Do Kyungsoo is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey, Kyungsoo. I was wondering if you are still in the city, because I missed my bus, and I have to wait two and a half hours before my next one comes. If you hear this, let me know.

To Kyungsoo << Now that we’re even (19:56) << I want to hear the rest of the story with Baekhyun (19:57)

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 20:19 Hey. Where did I leave off? Oh, right- So, after he asked the waitress for extra cinnamon, extra ginger, extra chocolate, he decides he’s suddenly full, and wants to ask her to take it back. She was really not impressed, and I’m pretty sure she charged him three times what the coffee costed. Now, you go. How did the nickname Bambi come around?

To Kyungsoo << I’ll call you (20:31)

Wed 2 Nov

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 16:26 I’ll pick you up around six, okay? I just- this place is really nice, I think you would like it.

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. I just got back from a date with Kyungsoo. I don’t know if you knew I was going on a date or not. Either way, he told me that I should try to talk things out, because you are my best friend and this silent treatment isn’t making me less mad, so… I guess he’s right. You can come over if you want, the back door is open, like always. My mom is making meatloaf.

Tue 8 Nov

To Soo >> Hey (13:54) << why are you texting me? (13:54) << i’m right next to you (13:55) >> i want to pretend that I’m busy (13:56) << why? (13:57) >> so that bacon leaves us alone (13:59) << the poor thing (14:00) << he just wants your attention soo (14:00) >> i’m not dealing with his shit (14:02) >> where are you going? (14:02) >> bambi (14:05) >> come back (14:06)

Sat 19 Nov

To Soo << I saw Erika and Max in the city today (15:28) >> and? (15:45) >> what she say? (15:46) << she gave me a head nod (15:52) >> that’s it? (15:55) << yup (15:59) >> i’m sorry (16:08) << don’t be (16:11) << i don’t want to disturb the lovebirds (16:12) >> are you talking about us? (16:14) << shut up (16:15) >> wanna go on another date? (16:19) << ask me properly and we’ll see, loverboy (16:22)

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 21:49 I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you in front of the guys. It was stupid. I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. But they weren’t laughing at you at all, if that is what you are worried about. They were laughing at me. Please pick up. I want to talk to you.

Sun 4 Dec

To Soo💜 << come over I miss you (21:37) >> be there in five (21:41)

Fri 23 Dec

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 16:23 I forgot to tell you to be careful. Have fun. Don’t break any bones, because I won’t carry you everywhere. And next time, I’m coming with you. I can snowboard too. Call me when you get at the hotel.

Fri 30 Dec

To Soo💜 >> welcome home, dork (18:25) >> i missed you (18:25) << dinner is ready (18:29) << hurry your cute ass in here (18:30) >> 2 min away (18:31)

Thu 5 Jan

Do Kyungsoo is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. My mom keeps asking for you. I think she kinda likes the idea of me with a boyfriend. Or maybe she just likes you. Anyway, I’m gonna go study at David’s. I’ll be there the entire afternoon, so if you want to drop by.

Sun 15 Jan

Erika Montgomery is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey. We haven’t talked in a while… I just wanted to ask some advice. I would ask Soo but it’s about him so I don’t think he can help much. Uhm… I- We went to the other side of the river yesterday. You know, that place where the fence is broken? We were lying on his car, looking at the lights and stuff. And then he kissed my hair and I just said it. It was barely above a whisper, but I think he heard it anyway. He didn’t say anything back. Do I just pretend like I didn’t say anything? Or- ...Because I mean it, you know. I really love him.

Fri 24 Feb

Do Kyungsoo is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Hey, babe. I called to say that I have a new phone, I forgot you’re at practice right now. Anyhow, after your piano, let’s hang out, alright?

Sat 25 Feb

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:14 We learned this new song on the piano yesterday, and it made me think of you. I’ll record it and send it to you, or maybe I can let you hear it when I come over. Study well, don’t forget to take a break. I know you.

Wed 3 May

To Soo💜 << my new phone fell (15:48) << it’s totally broken (15:48) << back to using my old one (15:48) >> okay (16:25) >> wanna go grab a coffee (16:25) >> i’ll call you (16:27)

Fri 5 May

6 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:14 Your mom called me. Are you alright? I- I don’t really know what to do… I’m gonna call you again, bye.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:27 Bambi, can you pick up your phone if you hear this. Your mom is super worried, and I am too.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:43 Bam, baby? I- uhm- I called your mom again, but she doesn’t know where you are either. I don’t know if these are reaching you.

New voice-mail from 754-3777 left at 22:48 Honey? This is mom. Where are you? You should have been home by now. I’m calling your dad. If you hear this, call me.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:26 Just trying again. Call me, please.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:49 Your mom called the police. I’m fucking worried about you, Bam. Where are you?

Sat 6 May

15 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 04:05 I can’t sleep, so I’m just calling to see if you would pick up.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 04:54 Your mom came around last night… or this morning, I guess. She was crying. My mom started calling around too. We’re all worried about you.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 06:53 I didn’t sleep much, I was too worried. I’m going to walk the road you walked last night, to see if I can find something… Bye.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 07:36 I didn’t find anything. I don’t really know why I called you to tell you that…

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 16:02 The police can only start looking for you when 24 hours have passed. It’s been 21 hours so far, so… I- I don’t know why I keep calling you. I just keep thinking that you might pick up any second. Your mom has been crying all day. I feel so bad for her.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 18:56 Police just came around my house, to ask questions. I asked what I could do and they said that there wasn’t much I could do except keep calling, so I will.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 21:45 I drank and now I’m kinda driving myself crazy. What if you got kidnapped? What if some guy pulled you in an alley and hurt you? W- What do I do then? I- I- I’ve been thinking Bambi. We both know me, ever the pessimist. I looked it up, you know. How many people get found alive. Guess how much. Four percent. Four percent get’s found alive after 72 hours.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:03 Bambi? Did you get hurt walking home from mine? You did, right? You were walking back home from my house. I- What am I supposed to do, Bam? I don’t-

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:05 I hung up by accident. I just wanted to say that I miss you. And I love you. Come back home please.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:53 Sorry. I just wanted to hear your stupid voice-mail message again.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:58 ‘Hey, it’s Bambi. I’m not at home right now, I’m busy being awesome. Call back later.’ That’s what you sound like.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:05 It’s already been a day. An entire day.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:18 I thought about it again. What if you just decided to take a spontaneous trip to Paris like you always said you would. I could see it happening. You just getting home and throwing some clothes into a bag, grabbing some money and setting off. Sounds like you, right? You always do stupid shit like that. I asked. Your mom checked but there were no clothes missing. I think I’ll still believe that for the time being, though.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:46 My mom asked me how I was doing when I came out of my room earlier, and I broke down. Do you know that I can’t remember the last time I cried. But when she asked, I just started crying like that. I think it’s because I miss you. But maybe because I’m already assuming the worst. I just want you to come home now.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:56 I’m gonna go to sleep now, but I put my sound on the loudest it can go, so if you call, I’ll be here to pick up.

Sun 7 May

4 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 12:24 I had a nightmare. It was stupid, really. You wanna know? You always wanna know about my dreams. We were driving down the road at night in my car and suddenly, you kiss me and get out of the car. I don’t know why that terrified me so much. I think the image of you walking away from me was too much to think about right now.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 19:58 The police called your mom. They found your wallet hidden behind a dumpster in the alley opposite the music shop. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because you’d know where your wallet would be, but I felt like telling you. I asked what that meant, you know, that they found a wallet but not you, but your mom started crying so I shut up. I’ll ask later. Maybe tomorrow.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 20:22 My mom told me I don’t have to go to school if I don’t want to, but I think I’m gonna go. I can’t get in the way of the police, they said. I can’t just sit around all day. If I go to class, maybe that’ll take my mind off of you.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:01 I love you.

Mon 8 May

3 new voice-mails 56 missed calls from unknown Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 14:09 The teacher announced your disappearance in class today. I wanted to punch him in the face because he did, but he had to. Police told him to tell the class, so that everyone would look out for you. Erika cried when she heard. I think Erika might be the only person who understands what I’m going through right now, but even she doesn’t understand like I do. I thought about you the entire day, but that was because people kept asking me questions about you. They’ll be calling when they get the chance, I’m sure. I’m going to go to David’s after school. Meet me there if you hear this, okay?

New voice-mail from 754-3010 left at 16:12 Bambi! Hello, Bambi?! Oh my God, what the fuck?! Bambi? Hello, Bam? What the fucking shi-

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:34 I love you. Goodnight, Bam.

Tue 9 May

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 17:35 I broke my hand. I punched the shit out of this kid that was walking by and laughing at the situation. I had to go to the principal's office and he said I should be grateful that he didn’t send me to the police since I’m over eighteen. Doesn’t that make you mad? Because it made me so mad that I punched a brick wall. I don’t want to see anyone anymore. No one understands.

Wed 10 May

2 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 19:16 I’m sorry. I was feeling all sorry for myself, but this isn’t about me. It’s about you.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 23:21 Do you remember that night where I ran over to your house and woke you up, and you went out of the window? And we got in my car and we just drove all the way down the empty highway to find some pizza? Do you remember that? I remember that night, because when you fell asleep on the way back, I looked at you. I looked at you, and I saw that I loved you. That was the first time I realized it. I love you… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not telling you that I did… Just give me a chance to tell you. That’s all I want.

Fri 12 May

2 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 04:01 My phone died yesterday, and I didn’t charge it. I’m sorry. But you didn’t call, so…

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:56 You’re one of four percent by now. I just always thought that if someone could be found, it would be you. Because you’re one out of a million. So one out of four percent should be easy.

Tue 16 May

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 10:52 I know your phone is dead by now, but hearing your voice-mail is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. I miss you so much, I can’t explain how much I miss you. Do you know that ever since I paid your coffee the day Erika stood you up, we’ve never gone longer than three days without seeing each other? Except from when you went snowboarding. It’s been eleven days now. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without you, and my chest hurts. I think it might be the coffee. But it might as well be you because I miss you that much.

Fri 19 May

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:13 The police have stopped actively looking for you, since it’s been two weeks. Seems that they think it’s over right now. Your mom called my mom to tell me and my mom started crying. My mom is a happy person all the time, you know that, so seeing her cry really made me think. I- I love you, Bambi, but you’re not coming home, are you?

Thu 25 May

3 new voice-mails Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 03:48 The night where you and I were making pancakes at four in the morning. That’s my third favorite night with you. When you stuffed your face with those pancakes, moaning like you hadn’t tasted food in 3 months and I told you to be quiet because you would wake my parents up. That night. I had never laughed so hard in my entire life. I wished I had kissed you like that more. You tasted like maple syrup. I probably did too, but you didn’t care. You kissed me like there was no tomorrow, and in that moment, there really wasn’t. You have gold in your eyes, you know that? You always say your eyes are just brown, but there’s gold in there. And green around the edges. I don’t know why I thought about that, but I want to tell you. Every part of you is so beautifully complex, and you don’t even see it.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 03:59 I had to think about this one, but I got it. My second favorite night was the day we made love for the first time. It was your first time, but you weren’t shy or scared. You just told me that you wanted all of me. I don’t think I’ve ever been more turned on then at that moment. When your skin touched mine, I felt like I was burning up. Like your touch sent me up in flames. You were so beautiful. I remember every touch like it happened yesterday, that’s how much I loved you in that moment. I was glad it was in my bed, and not yours, because you looked too perfect surrounded by me. Everything in that room was mine, until you touched it. From the moment you touched it, it was yours, and you knew it. You just stole one of my shirts that night and I never wanted to see you in anything else anymore. I wish I had told you that day, how much I love you.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 04:05 My favorite night was one where you told me you loved me. You just blurted it out like it was no big deal. You chained my heart to yours that night. I froze, because it doesn’t come that easy for me. I didn’t know what to say, so I just pushed my face to your neck. I knew I loved you back then, I had for a long time. But I didn’t tell you, and I think I might regret that for the rest of my life.

Sun 4 Jun

1 new voice-mail Do you want to listen to your new voice-mail? Yes.

New voice-mail from 754-6589 left at 22:13 I think I have to stop calling you, Bambi. I think I have to stop calling you. Your mom is going to deactivate your number, since they found you in the river this morning.

Thank you so much for reading!!!

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