#especially bc when i was throwing myself around i got a HUGE fucking bruise on my thigh

[lilgynt]

anyway yesterday i had this huge break down like sobbing screaming throwing my self on the floor the whole 9 yards and it sounds like outtakes from the midsummer scene and any guess what started it. my dad asked me to buy rotisserie chicken

[whymoveforward]

conversation id like to have 

i wanna be able to tell my friends like 

hey guys remember that dnd session i got really mad and left the call while you went shopping after you suggested i don’t go even though I’ve said how excited i was to go shop? i was: 

really stressed from working all the time

in a depressive episode to begin with and particularly in a part of it where i was starting to have suicidal thoughts so that was throwing me off

felt sidelined because i would set aside time even after long, hard, essence-draining shifts but you guys weren’t going to like even partially do that [for the most part] [which is smart, because i shouldn’t have stressed myself that much for it bc like genuinely and not in a dismissive way, it didn’t matter that much, but every time we try to do something gmy gut reaction is still to put all my effort into making it happen because otherwise why keep me around if i don’t? go out of my way to constantly make you happy? why else could you possibly want me if not for the things and experiences i can offer you?]

 and upset that you all thought i would be fine with being left out of something when its always been a very sore, achey bruise that gets pressed on anytime you forget a something i told you about myself or choose to ignore something i say or whatever. 

anyways, my emotions were at a twelve of ten, and i was completely shut down and even though i knew what i was doing at the time, when i get to that place, i am literally unable to communicate fully, especially when its to people who I’ve felt ignored by before when i try to fully communicate, or who constantly tell me they don’t want to fully communicate with me when i ask them to. 

I’m sorry i let myself get to that headspace, and I’m sorry sometimes i can’t handle myself and shut down emotionally instead of working on the situation and trying to reach out to the people who can fix it. i am deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself every time in my life this has happened, and i feel broken and stupid and terrible and worthless knowing that these episodes will likely probably continue.

i would. love. to have a relationship with all of you and not just individually that would make me feel safe enough to say this without. worrying. endlessly. about id ont know? making someone upset? accidentally offending someone by wording it wrong? having someone say that though they love me they do not like me enough to put up with this? just be left behind because life is easier without this? i dont... want it to be abig deal. i dont need a huge discussion and i dont... i dont want to have to apologize for..... pushing myself to the point of emotionally shutting down. i dont want you to hear that and expect an apology at the end of it. i really dont want to bare myself to you and inform you of a part of myself that makes me hate myself so deeply and truly i cant think of anything besides how much i wish i could move past this and just fucking say something instead of intentionally wrecking everything because Im Having A Fucking Tantrum like an actual, literal child. and then have you disappointed that i cant quite apologize for it and hear anything in response that wont make me want to rip my arm off than ‘listen, you dont have to apologize- like, it sucks that you did that, but its okay. im really glad were talking about this and what can i do if i see you shutting down again that will make it easier for you to get past that? i want to be able to support you so you dont feel that way.’

apologizing to you and hearing anything aside from support is just as bad as letting myself shut down again somehow???

and i. i wouldnt. want to treat you badly in the process. i dont want to have to tell you im not sorry that its still Deeply Upsetting for you to not recognize nd understand basic things about me, like for instance- god, please dont push me to the side and leave me alone with you go off to do something fun instead if you can help it. please stop letting me be Alone, figuratively and literally. i dont want to tell you im not sorry i was in a really shitty place and all that blackness came out in lashing out at you when you let that situation create itself too? and thats a shitty abusive behavior, not wanting to apologize for that. and i am fully aware of how selfish that is! i know it. its a hard conversation. and one i dont know if i can have with you if like. dude. god. like. no one should have to deal with those parts of me really, honestly, but there are.... theres a good handful of people who i am not embarassed to be at my worst around and it...sucks......that it feels like you cant be that for me. sometimes. because like.

listen! i couldnt stop fucking talking about how grateful i am for my family. they would never fucking? abandon me?? theyve seen every single shitty awful stupid and selfish thing ive done. if i was a shitty terrible person all the time there would be no reason for my friends to stay around, and it would fucking ruin me to have them stay around me if i was a shitty, toxic person in their life? but i know my family wont. leave me. and they arent.. the best people.... but they Love me in a very simple way no one else could or shoud. 

i dont want you to stick around if im a bad person, and i know that i have been and have the capacity to be again, and i can acknowledge that with Two (2) people in my life who arent related to me by blood, and they make me feel. okay about that. weve talked and been at our worsts and its sucked and i didnt feel like i owed it to them to be better, because they know. like. im just. a human being. and sometimes. being a person. is impossible. 

i feel like  i owe it to you to be better. and that can be a very motivating, lovely feeling. it can also just. make me feel like fucking scum.