i thought i could escape (but it's fate i've come to find)
Shadow Of Mine - Alec Benjamin
➼ information
❧ Call of Duty
❧ Pairing: John "Soap" MacTavish/Simon "Ghost" Riley
❧ Tags: character study, stabbing, hurt! ghost, angst with a happy ending, past child abuse, post-mw2, hurt/comfort, hurt! soap
❧ Summary: When Simon Riley was a child, his mother told him an ancient legend. When you are born, a shadow is born alongside you. As you grow older, it grows. And when it becomes strong enough, it will hunt you down.
It was about time Ghost met his shadow.
❧ Word Count: 3,771
❧ Cross-posted from Archive of Our Own
❧ Original post date: 31 December 2022
As his breath flowed out of his balaclava and crystallized in the air, Simon realized he wasn’t alone.
Ghost retained very little memories of his childhood. He remembered them most at night, when his nightmares prayed on his unconscious mind. In the daytime, he could recall his mother brushing his hair and whispering sweet nothings into his ear, her voice soothing the beating of his heart as his father lurked around the corner.
Sometimes she told him stories. The one she told him only once was the one he remembered most vividly, the memory never diminishing even as time threatened to wear it down. It was his favorite story, not because it reminded him of his sweet, loving mother, but because it sent true anticipation into his veins. It wound him up like a spring, ready to snap at the first hint of danger.
Ghost wasn’t a name he achieved by just being a good soldier. He was violent, relentless, and most importantly, unable to track. If he wanted to slip away from a situation, he could do so flawlessly. If he was in a fight, he would take down all of his offenders and leave nothing to prove he was ever there at all. Getting captured was never a mistake. When someone caught him, it was because Ghost let them.
He was a poltergeist, killing silently and leaving no trace. That’s what had earned him the name Ghost.
Task Force 141’s rendezvous point was far enough from the city that, if they were to be tracked, they could fend off their attacker without leading them straight to their base. Despite doing everything as correctly as he normally did, Ghost had been followed.
When a living being is brought into this world, it is born with a shadow. The story had scared him as a child. Now, as a soldier who’d lived through the worst the world could shove at him, he only felt adrenaline.
Only one person was on his tail, matching him step for step somewhere in the surrounding wilderness. The sounds of the forest did well to hide their feet crunching the snow, but Ghost had a sixth sense. He could tell when other poltergeists were on the hunt, haunting grounds just like he did.
His communications device had broken during the mission, but it hadn’t been a big deal at the time. His team had faith in him to make it back to the rendezvous point in good time. Besides, he was used to working alone and in silence, only relying on himself and his surroundings. It was almost comforting.
His mother’s voice whispered in his ear. I have a shadow. Your father has one, and you do, too. As you grow older, your shadow will evolve with you.
Ghost had thought, at one point, that he was simply his father’s shadow. It wasn’t until he’d beat his old man half to death and kicked him out of the house that he realized he was incorrect. If he had been his father’s shadow, Ghost would have killed him without hesitation.
The white world softened all noise and, with a turning stomach, Ghost failed to detect when his stalker had slipped away. His sixth sense still tingled, but he’d lost where they had been in the forest.
“I’m not going to play this game,” he called. His voice shook the trees of their snow and scared away a small bird. His grip on his gun tightened, though there was nothing to aim at. “Take your shot now and get it over with.”
Ghost was untraceable. He had been abused and betrayed but never tracked. He was a ghost through and through. Nothing ordinary could see his apparition.
Until one day, she said, it will become strong enough to find you.
The first hit came as a strike to his shoulder, right beside the strap of his vest. There hadn’t been a bang, and the metal sticking out of his flesh wasn’t a bullet. Instead of pulling out the star-shaped weapon, he aimed his rifle towards where the shuriken had been thrown. The sound of his shot reverberated through the forest, but it did not hit its target.
The second hit was in his calf. Most of the extra padding in his uniform was around his torso and thighs, as well as the protection of his skull from his mask. So his calves were exposed, outside of a fabric layer, and left it easy to puncture and bleed. The shuriken had sunk itself deep into his flesh.
Pain exploded in his leg, but he ignored it. Things like that became easy overtime if you went through enough torment. “Coward,” he seethed through clenched teeth, shooting in the new direction. He knew his shot had missed when he heard it bury itself into a tree.
The third hit sank into his hip, stuck in between sliver area where there wasn’t padding between his thigh and torso. This was almost a bit of fun to his stalker, apparently, showing off their skill while hidden in the white snow and evergreen trees.
Then, he finally saw his assailant. They smiled, their lips being one of the only true features Ghost could truly make out. He aimed and fired, but by the time the bullet left the barrel, they were long gone from the tree they had been perched in. The fourth hit was in his other shoulder, an exact replica of the first hit.
That lit a fire in his gut.
“Come out, then! These won’t do anything unless you take them out, so come do it!” Ghost yelled into the forest. What he said wasn’t wrong, though if he was hit in a vital area, he would actually have something to really worry about.
He didn’t appreciate being toyed with. They had already proven their capabilities with aiming, and with four pieces of metal sticking out of his body, Ghost knew he wouldn’t be able to outrun them. If they continued like this, he would eventually run out of ammo. He shot towards where an echoed laugh came from.
Another star-shaped weapon lodged directly into the muzzle of his rifle as he was staring down the scope, splintering the barrel with a crack. Well, shit. His gun was out of commission, then; one shot and it would explode in his face. He had to bring them down to his level.
He’d been in worse odds.
It will try to kill you with everything it has. The more sins you commit, the stronger and more bloodthirsty it will be.
Bloodthirsty was a big word for a child as young as he was, even though he’d already seen what the word meant with his own two eyes.
He never thought Manuel Roba was his shadow. That man wanted him alive, for the most part. Burying Ghost had been a futile attempt at killing him. There was no real effort put in, but rather leaving nature to be his murderer. It had failed, since Roba had not understood Ghost’s will to survive.
Roba had not been Simon’s shadow, and he had proved that by putting a bullet through his brain.
But this person, the one who had tracked Ghost and remained hidden in the trees, had already broken his gun. Unless they had a gun, no bullet would find its way in their skeleton.
The mission hadn’t been without an injury. While Ghost himself had come out unharmed, he knew one of them had not. Johnny. One of the best their task force had, and yet he’d sustained a heavy leg injury. Gaz and Price were the ones that helped him out of the city, but it didn’t stop a coil of urgency to set in his body.
If Ghost took too long, they wouldn’t be able to treat the injury in time, and his leg became permanently damaged. If that happened, they’d lose one of their best. Ghost stamped out the part of him that gnashed ugly teeth made of pounding hearts and sweating palms that weren’t from the adrenaline of battle.
He’d done well to ignore that viscous animal inside of his brain ever since he’d met Soap. He wasn’t going to let it loose now, not that very same person needed him to get a move on.
Despite its inability to fire, Ghost kept his hands on his firearm. He positioned it so it covered some of the unpadded areas of his front body. If anything, it could be used as a shield.
Snow crunched loudly directly behind him, and Ghost turned around fast enough to give any untrained person whiplash. Standing calmly, a shuriken resting between their fingers, was a masked soldier. Their entire face was covered in a black balaclava aside from their mouth, which was spread wide in a grin. If his gun hadn’t been splintered, there would’ve been a bullet on their lips.
Instead, he settled on reaching for one of his knives— long, stained with blood, and made to kill.
“Ghost,” they said. It was impossible to tell gender by their voice and physique, able to say either and it would be viable. The Middle Eastern accent wasn’t helping. “Embarrassing performance. I expected much more.”
They dropped their weapon on the ground, just as Ghost had. He wondered how they could see, what with their eyes being covered. The train of thought didn’t last very long as he began a calculated rush at his assailant.
Once it comes for you, you must defend yourself with equal vigor.
Anger didn’t blind him. He wasn’t goaded on by the mocking taunts. He was level-headed and sure of his movements, the adrenaline of a fight kicking him into cruise control.
Yet, the metal sticking out of his shoulders lodged themselves deeper into his body as the soldier blocked the attack with his own knife. It was a throwing knife, short and clean, yet made to kill just like the rest of them.
Blades were Ghost’s speciality. He’d trained with them against his will since he’d been small, but instead of abandoning them in adulthood, he’d become their companion. He may not have understood shurikens , but knives? Knives were the oxygen he breathed, the iron in his blood, and the chemicals in his brain.
The throwing portion of the knife would be of little use for them. Ghost intended to keep it entirely close quarters to get a handle on their knife to turn it against them. Deflect. Stab. Swipe. Deflect. It had a perfect rhythm that Simon relished in.
Ghost didn’t underestimate his opponents; that would get him killed eventually. More importantly, he didn’t lose knife fights. But they had started to grapple, and the moment he was on his back, the shuriken in his calf was driven to the bone. Searing hot pain flashed through his vision, and that single moment of unclarity allowed the other soldier to straddle him.
The shuriken in his hip matched the one in his calf, sending his nerve endings in a flare. The ones in his shoulders threatened to loosen the grip he had on his blade, but he remained steady. If he didn’t have his fingers in commission, he would be done for.
They were of equal strength and ability. Their fight had lasted longer than any normal one.
Simon, do not be afraid. As long as you keep your hands clean, your shadow will not be strong enough to kill you. Perhaps you will even make friends with it.
Ghost bucked, successfully throwing off the incoming blade. However, the butt of their knife collided harshly with his skull mask, cracking it right down the middle. Between the metal in his body and his now pounding headache, the first hints of true anger set into his bones.
Emotions were a nuisance. They clouded his judgment and threw him off kilter. He’d shut them off long ago, but when they came back, they did so with full force.
It wasn’t just anger. It was a deep-seeded fear that tried to butt its head to the surface every time he took off his mask and showed his face. He was afraid, afraid of the fact that he was losing the knife fight.
But mamma, what if I do bad things in my life?
He successfully rolled them over, but it didn’t last for long. They blocked his direct attempt at their neck, switching their positions. Distantly, he recognized that the shurikens were blocking blood flow to his head and the rest of his body. Parts of his body were going numb as his heart couldn’t get blood to them.
Then it will be very strong, and you will have to fight it, darling.
For a while, Simon thought John “Soap” MacTavish was his shadow.
Soap didn’t aim for his heart with a rifle or a knife. He didn’t kick or scratch or abuse Ghost like all of the other potential shadows had. Instead, Soap had taken a shovel and dug up his heart from where Ghost had buried it underground. He had done so to protect himself from getting hurt again, and from hurting others. Because anything he had ever loved turned to ash underneath his fingertips.
His heart was buried for the greater good. But Johnny had presented Ghost with that dirt-covered heart, shovel in hand and a shit-eating grin plastered over his face. As long as he had his heart in his hands, he could crush it at any moment. It was then, Simon had concluded, that John “Soap” MacTvaish was his shadow.
It had taken too long for Soap to kill him. There had been so many chances, so many opportunities to crush his heart. Get killed in action and stamp Ghost’s heart back into the ground. Leave the military behind and forget all about Task Force 141, squeezing his heart until it pops. Find a nice girl to cozy up with and show Ghost that he was imagining all of the tender moments they’d shared, driving a stake through his heart.
Soap wasn’t his shadow, even though it sure as hell seemed like it for the longest time.
After that, he considered if he was Soap’s shadow, destined to break his heart in all the ways that Ghost had imagined Soap doing to his own. Maybe he would just knock him down and shoot him in the back of his head one day, not giving him enough time to process the betrayal.
He had only thought that for a brief amount of time. A day or two at the most. Then he realized that Soap couldn’t have built up a shadow like Ghost. He was too good of a man who had committed too little sins, even in their line of work. His shadow would be violent, sure, but it wouldn’t be a poltergeist.
So that left Simon’s true shadow yet to be found. The knife, gleaming in the moonlight, came arching down on Ghost’s face.
There is one thing they don’t tell you about shadows, Simon.
His shadow’s smile was sickly. Ghost shifted his head in a vein attempt to stop the oncoming blade from hitting its mark. His arms were barely holding on to his own knife. Several of them had been discarded in their fight, both from him and his opponent. His head was woozy and he could barely think straight.
Their one goal in life is to kill you. They don’t have attachments, and they don’t have anything to live for.
They cut straight through his mask and cheek entirely. The knife’s edge grazed his teeth and stuck into the ground next to where his eyes had once been.
As long as you have something to live for, something to cling to, then you are better than your shadow.
He let that viscous animal out of its cage, the one that gnashed its teeth and only wanted love. It chomped down on his brain and thrashed.
And you will win your fight against it, no matter the odds.
Above him, he heard a strangled gasp. It took one, two, three seconds before his shadow collapsed directly on top of Ghost, the handle of a black knife protruding from their back. His aim had been sharp and true. He didn’t have to pull the weapon out to know it had pierced their heart.
All he could imagine as he pushed the dead soldier off of him and into the dark, soiled snow, was Johnny’s leg. How he wouldn’t be able to walk if Simon died before he could get to their rendezvous site. He ignored the knives littering the ground and pulled out his first-aid kit. There was very little aid inside, just enough to prevent one serious injury from killing someone immediately.
His shaky hands didn’t accomplish much. He wrapped gauze around his mouth as he bled directly onto his tongue and snow. He had to be careful to not move his jaw, lest he tear his cheek open more than it already was. Head tilted down to keep the blood flowing into the gauze and out of his throat, he limped in what he assumed was the right direction.
Up was down, left was right, and the snow collided with Ghost’s face as he fell to the ground. He didn’t know how long he had walked for. He couldn’t feel anything anymore, outside of the copper taste on his tongue. It was a nasty wound. Bits of the wrap had come off from how soggy it was. His arms weren’t quite working anymore, and neither were his legs.
But he crawled, and he crawled, and he crawled until he saw headlights. He couldn’t hear them shouting his name, but he could see them. He couldn’t feel them turn him over to examine him, but he could see that they were missing one soldier, the one that carried his heart.
The white world turned black.
–
“You saved my life.”
From his chair in the hospital room, Soap stared incredulously at Ghost. His leg was in a cast, but it would make a full recovery within a couple of months. The team had been able to bind Soap’s leg well enough that the time it took to get professional treatment was inconsequential.
“I was the only one not out helping you,” he said, eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed tightly in front of his chest. That much was true. What Ghost hadn’t remembered, the team had filled him in on.
Soap had been stretched out in one of the two cars waiting to take the team away from the city, letting his leg rest. They had waited for a concerning amount of time, and just as they were about to send Gaz out to try and locate Ghost, he’d crawled in front of their headlights.
Similar to Soap, they laid Ghost out in the back of the car so he wouldn’t agitate any of the wounds, and the others stuffed themselves into any place they could in the cars. Then, they had broken just about every single traffic law in the country to get to somewhere that Ghost and Soap could be treated safely.
He had been told that he’d almost died. Almost. Ghost could believe it; it wouldn’t be the first time Death had him in its clutches.
Soap huffed. “I think you’re full o’ shit.”
There had been very few people allowed in his room since he’d woken up, and half of them were nurses and doctors. His mask had been discarded in order to let his face wound heal correctly, and he wasn’t comfortable with so many people able to see his face at one time.
The staff had to take pictures of wounds that people were brought into the hospital for. It was protocol, and Ghost knew this. As soon as he had been given the chance, he asked to see his pictures. Whatever he had been expecting, it had been so much worse.
It looked like something straight out of a horror movie. His entire cheek had been cut open, stretching from the edge of his mouth all the way to his jawbone. It revealed the insides of his mouth, which had been coated in dirt, snow, blood, and what looked like a few maggots. He couldn’t be entirely sure, but it was positively horrifying.
It was stitched up now, but it still hurt like a motherfucker. He figured it would for a while.
“I had been followed, Johnny.” Ghost had been asked to give a debrief of his fight multiple times, but he’d feigned ignorance for each one of them. He’d let the monster out of its cage, and it was still biting everything it could.
It only settled down when it saw Soap. “You? Followed? I think you’re pulling m’ leg.”
For once, Ghost was happy he didn’t die. Unfortunately, he feared he would actually miss that horrendous Scottish accent. “Believe whatever you want, but what I’m saying is true,” he said. “I met my match.”
“You survived, L.t..”
“Barely.” His heart was beating in Soap’s hands, the other man’s fingers coiled around it in a bloody mess. This was going to be painful. “My mother told me a story once, about shadows.”
The hospital room smelled of antiseptics and bleach, and Soap wasn’t wearing his military attire. He was dressed casually, like he was visiting a friend and not a broken, traumatized soldier.
He didn’t talk about his mother to anyone. The blood was seeping between Soap’s fingers.
It had taken him a week to be allowed to talk again, and a couple days more to get used to the pain. Yet, in the words that spilled out of his mouth, he found it easy to ignore the pain. He was too focused on watching his heart beat and how Johnny chose to hold it. He could only observe as his fingers became tight on his organ when Simon told him just how he’d killed his shadow.
Then, he gently caressed his heart with that same shit-eating grin.
“If I ever meet my shadow,” Soap said, and his face was lit with the most joy Ghost had ever seen. It was beautiful. “I think our fight would be just like yours. Especially the ending.”
Even though Ghost’s cheek was stitched and he was confined to his hospital bed until he was ready for physical therapy, even though Soap had a fractured leg and a million scars, and even though they were both children born from blood and ash, they kissed as though love was all they’d ever known.
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The Fearsome Four
Alright so it seems that more than one person wants a list so here we go with the first four trainees. (I will be splitting this up because like some people aptly remarked there are Too Many Trainees and writing them all down in one post is going to make for an infinitely long post. (Cries in, these were supposed to be one of characters that were just supposed to make the institute feel more lived-in. Not menaces that take over half of the story)
Maxwell Joseph Lightwood (He/Him, 9 years and a half - Not an OC though I HC him looking differently than in the series in my head)
Nicknames: Max, Maxie, Little Clover, Cricket, Little Caramel, Menace, Little Terror
Physical description: looks like a mini Alec – black hair, hazels eyes and mischief in his blood. He’s smaller than the other trainees his age, standing somewhere between 3ft 11 and 4ft (120,2 cm) Has three long gashes on his torso that span most of his chest as well as two smaller but just as thick scars on his right upper thigh, a thick scar on his left ankle and one on the inside of his right arm. (This only applies for AWG Max. Golden Words Alec is 4ft 3 (130,5 centimeters) and has no such scars.)
Personality: He’s the Menace Supreme what more do you want me to say? Culprit number 1 of the Mumbai Incident.
Extra info: co- owner of Bubbles and has a batman backpack with cartoon characters and sharks on it
2. Arjun Jaskaran Bhasin (He/Him, 9 years old)
Nicknames: Arji, Jun-Jun, Marshmallow, Chotu (nickname only his older siblings call him)
Physical description: thick dark-brown hair that’s mostly straight, dark brown nearly black eyes. He’s about 4ft2 (128,5 centimeters) and the only one of the fearsome four that doesn’t look like a mess most of the time.
Personality and tidbits: He’s quieter than his three best friends, but no less of a menace for it. He’s the youngest in his family and is close with his parents/older siblings despite not living in the same institute. He loves everything dragons and, even though he misses his family a lot, he also loves being at the NYI. Now if only Alec could get the rest of his family to work there as well…Culprit Number 2 of the Mumbai Incident.
Extra info: has a dragon backpack, yes the dragon can breathe fire.
3. Barika Fahari (He/Him, almost 10)
Nickname: Barii, Riri, Gumdrop
Physical description: short, black curly hair. Light brown eyes. 4ft 5 (134 cm) which makes him the tallest of the foursome fear.
Personality and tidbits: Barika was originally supposed to be a female character because I didn’t want Max to only have male best friends, but then Barika decided he was trans without any care as to what I had planned (hence the female name which he decided he was keeping). Like Max, he’s a menace and adores comics. His absolute BFF is Leo and those two will probably end up as parabatai in the future. Culprit number 3 of the Mumbai Incident.
Extra info: Has a The Flash backpack with a little Green Lantern keychain and ever-changing cartoon/Manga-characters on the sides. Robin, Batman and Cyborg logos are embroidered on the straps.
4. Leonard Benjamin Knightvale (He/him, two days older than Max and will never let him live it down)
Nickname: Leo, Lenny, corn chip, little lion
Physical description: light brown hair that tends to get in his eyes, green-brown eyes and 4ft3 (130 centimeters – yes, Golden Words Max teases him back for being older but shorter)
Personality and tidbits: If someone enabled Max to do one of his stunts, Leo is the most likely culprit. If nobody enabled Max to do one of his stunts than Leo was likely in a coma because he WILL enable Max’s shenanigans just to see the chaos happen. BFF’s with Barika and thinks Alec is the coolest person ever. He lacks any kind of impulse control and is currently in the lead in the “Get Ragnor to turn them into a frog” competition much to Max’s displeasure. He hates being called Leonard about as much as Max hates being called Maxwell. Culprit number 4 of the Mumbai Incident.
Extra info: Green Lantern backpack with a The Flash keychain, a Batman keychain as well as a Cyborg and Robin sticker. The Green Lantern logo in the middle lights up and can turn into different colors if Leo wants to.
Part two
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