#old lady worker trying to cause issues for no reason. making me work harder than i need to because she just doesnt want to do anything

[sharama]

So exhausted 😫

[comeallyelost]

So I haven’t really been on here in a while (at least until a couple weeks ago) and I haven’t really posted an update on things so now is as good a time as any. 

I’ve been meaning to post for a while - I usually like to write when things happen in the moment because I like to document my feelings at the time. but it’s been exactly one month and in hindsight, it’s all a lot better now.

So last november I posted about my sudden new job with all its benefits and opportunities and things I was really excited about. And then later on I posted about how miserable it was making me. And exactly one month ago, I was fired from said job. Like - fired, fired. As in “this is not working out, go home” fired. Severance pay fired. Tears in the HR office fired. And well...this was my first ever job out of college that offered benefits and a 401k and vacation time perks and all these things that I thought would make my job wonderful. But the work itself was absolute shit. My bosses, when they hired me, were desperate for a replacement and hired me on the spot. They told me the position was something it was not. I was clear from the beginning that my career goal was to grow and learn, not be a lifelong assistant. And I don’t think they gave a shit. 

They wasted my time and theirs. And threw me off the course of my career goals. 

And I was MISERABLE there. Crying all the time after work. Endless commuting with no time during the week. The little time I did have I spent either exercising or crying about my job. My physical health was pretty good, but my mental health suffered immensely. To the extent that my acne was the worst it had ever been (and it took me 2 weeks of being fire to realize that my job was causing my stress acne).

And so here’s the story of the day I was fired:

After 3 months of complete and utter misery (my job didn’t really become unbearable until about mid-January)  and endless discussion with friends, family, and my mentor about what I should do, I requested a meeting with HR to talk about the issues I was having at work. A lot of lack of communication between my bosses and I, their treatment of me, the sheer amount of work I had to do (because my position used to be two full-time positions), and the fact that I was not happy with the work I was doing as I was under the impression that my job description would be something else entirely.

So I asked for a meeting. Which was pushed. Twice. Now, I had a hunch for a while that my boss was looking for a replacement. I’m not stupid -and she was not subtle about it in the least. But I thought I could pre-empt her. I thought I could speak to HR and voice my frustrations and try to either: 

a) find a solution or

b) see if I could fit somewhere else in the company if this was not the right position for me

But I didn’t get a chance to. The day of my HR meeting, the time changed from my noon meeting to a 4:30pm meeting. And when I write to the HR lady, she says to me “well actually I’m here with your boss, can you please come over?”

And I knew it. In that instant I knew what was going to happen. And I was so caught off guard. Because I had been nervous ALL DAY about the HR meeting for a completely different reason, that I was totally blindsided by this. And the rest all happened so quickly and in a haze of tears that could not stop flowing and I was just so pissed at the fact that I couldn’t prevent this. 

My boss - the decision maker of the three that I reported to was a complete a total c-word about it. That is something that no matter how much time passes, I will not change my mind about. Because she treated me horribly the whole time I worked for her. She was dismissive and disrespectful to me and would not tell me things on purpose and would just make my job harder in general. So when the day came to fire me, she was on her phone until I sat down, looked at me, said “sorry, but it’s not the right fit, but thanks for trying.” then got up and walked out and left me with the HR Director to process all my termination paperwork. Like I was just another thing on her list of stuff to do for the day. 

i tried to like her, I really did. She is a very good executive who does her job very well, and I wanted to like her. It’s not often you see a woman so high up on the executive chain, especially in the Latin American market. So I tried, I really did. But I couldn’t. And I really feel there was something personal about her firing me. I think she did not like me for personal reasons that I can’t point out. Because we just never clicked, we never had the rapport that you need in a boss/ assistant relationship.

So yea, in my HR meeting, between my tears that I COULD NOT MAKE STOP I was able to tell the Director everything that I found frustrating about the job. But in the context that it almost didn’t matter. 

I had to pack everything up and leave I was explicitly told I could return to the office. My other two bosses that I reported to were a little nicer about it and said they really appreciated my effort and that they would happily offer me their recommendation to any job I was interested in. My friend and intern at the company stayed with me until 7:30pm as I packed up and she gave me a ride to my car instead of having me take the train and honestly I’m so grateful that she was there. 

I was able to tell a couple of co-workers on my way out, but mostly I just slipped out quietly with no one aware that I wouldn’t be there on Monday.

I really did hate the job, and I really was miserable. But I wanted to fix it, or find a better solution. I’m happy I’m gone, it was a toxic environment and I am loads happier now. I think my biggest hit was the fact that I was fired from my first really important job. I failed at something I tried so hard to succeed in. I thought if I had the drive and the will and the right work ethic, that it could work. Even if I WAS miserable at it. But no, it didn’t. I learned several life lessons from this 6-month horror experience. Which I am grateful for. 

I can honestly say, I was upset when it happened. And I was upset the day after. But after those 48 hours, I truly felt free. I felt a huge sense of relief from a burden I didn’t realize I was carrying. And each day has been even better.

So I’m back helping my old boss and I’m earning some money. I’m planning a trip to Europe with my best friend for next month. And I’m taking time for myself. I’ve learned several things about myself from this - and I need to learn to be okay with uncertainty. I need to learn that I have much more worth than I give myself credit for. That I should not let others take advantage of me, that I should be more assertive. That I don’t have to say yes because I fear the people in power. That job satisfaction is something I need in my life in order to be fulfilled and content. Just... a lot of things like that.

And so, this has worked out. I’m glad I got fired. I would have left if things kept up the way they did. What was fucked up about all this was my horrible boss and the fact that my very own HR meeting was used to fire me. But fuck it. Details in the end. I’m out and I’m better for it. 

I can honestly say that for the first time this whole year, I am feeling happy. Relaxed. And just...at peace.

[mavwren]

Post it Forward Week Three

Okay so I planned on doing this earlier in the week, but this is one of the more tricky prompts for me (Magi) to tackle because I’ve found that people who talk a lot about ‘their mental illnesses’ can tend to be assholes, and that in my case it’s mostly about depression and neglect so it can be kind of  a downer. I personally don’t like making people feel bad, so the idea of this possibly reaching a lot of people was what made me take so long to do it, but hey here it goes...

So as I think I’ve off-handily mentioned before, I suffer from ADHD inattentive and inherited psychotic depression, as well as anxiety and panic and possibly some form of learning disorder but I haven’t been tested so I’m not gonna say anything for certain. Also an abusive and over achieving younger sister. Anyway this all went undiagnosed and ignored until I was eleven, which may surprise some people (especially when I was very vocal about seeing things that weren’t there ‘cause that isn’t normal in any respect) so let me explain.

In elementary school it was very obvious that I had some kind of attention problem as I was scolded and given the exact same talk every year about how I need to try harder or I was going to become a failure and a disappointment. By both my parents, and my teachers. Yeah, the teachers said that to me. Every year. They’d pull me out into the hall during class work time or whatever and when I went back into the room I’d be in tears. And with the area I lived in I had the same classmates until I graduated highschool (except for the three years that I lived in Hawaii o’course), so they quickly made sure that no one else in our class ever saw them with me. This didn’t help. Because I now knew for sure that no one liked or believed I was worth their time. So I was forever labeled as ‘that weird quiet girl who never does her work’. Which honestly wasn’t even the worst thing, seeing as how I’m kinda a better person than most of them post highschool, which I know sounds like I’m the asshole, but anyone who graduated with me remembers the guy who got booed at graduation practice (and at the actual graduation).

No the worst thing about my time in elementary, (and my first year of middle school) was the fact that I was punished from a very visible disability. One of these days I’ll tell the story about my desk, but this post is already going to be pretty long as it is so I’ll just use the classic examples instead. Along with the annual talk about what a disappointment I was, there were also the vary obvious ‘watching you specifically because you’re a problem’ glares from across the room, taking away recess time, scolding me in front of the class for doodling during notes, banning me from drawing all together, and then making sure I wasn’t drawing by checking over my shoulder, calling me out for not handing in my homework- again directly in front of the other students, and just the general ‘not going to let you out of my sight because I don’t trust you at all’.

You’d think my parents would be a little more curious about all of that, but nope. They went and did the same thing as the teachers and brushed it off as a greedy child wanting attention, with a dash of ‘she’s just an idiot’ tossed in until halfway through 6th grade. So they went ahead and punished me too, not letting me play outside with our neighbors, putting me in places where I couldn’t see the TV and making me do my homework until dinner, and then instructing my daycare (it’s a military town so they do a before and after school program) to not let me do anything until they had checked all of my work. So now the kids there (that were from schools all over town) also knew not to play with me.

Now despite the way my mother likes to tell this story where she’s the one that notices the problem, that’s just not how it happened. I freaked out the teachers, my school counselor, and the school’s nurse in Hawaii. That’s how it happened. The counselor had me fill out a form and established that there was clearly a problem, so my mom took me to see a therapist and I was officially tested where it was established that I had ADHD inattentive, and depression. However looking back, those results were a little skewed because I didn’t know that I had seen hallucinations, thanks to my parents saying that they were just an overactive imagination. Anyway, that was the start of my treatment for my variety of issues. With the results we were able to also get testing done at Tripler, which was where I then got my medications from for my ADHD.

So fast forward 2 years and for whatever reason we stop seeing my therapist, but there’s no real drama.

Fast forward another year and well, we’re back in NC. And my highschool in Hawaii takes a whole fucking school year to fax my 504 plan to my new highschool. I had to text my friend in Hawaii to go ask the people in the office what was taking so long. I’m not even 100% sure it got there, because the school had me redo all of my testing again. I was then switched from 504 to IEP, which is basically a special ed program, but with a wider reach and honestly much more fun. 

Now this is when me and my mom agree that my medications are doing more harm than good to me, and my psych guy goes ‘nah it’s supposed to do that’ and we were just like ‘nah fuck you’ and left that clinic, so went without meds or therapy until I started college. Not because there was no where else to go or we thought I was cured or something, it just didn’t seem to be very helpful anymore. Plus they assigned me to a child therapist (like a small child therapist) and I was just like ‘bitch I am not a five year old stop talking to me like I am’

So how did a mentally unstable teenager make it through highschool in one piece? By being an arts nerd. No stay with me- I was a visual art kid so I was in the visual arts homeroom (with a teacher who had no connection to art in any form but was coincidentally the lady in charge of students with disabilities and generally just a bad ass bitch) but I was also a band geek. I actually would sign up for art classes to keep my homeroom, then switch them to band classes like only a few days in. Because I hate art classes

I’ll make a post later about the actual benefits of band- and marching band in particular but it’s kinda off topic for this one

Anyway I made it through highschool, was super hyped and ready for whatever laid ahead- 

then I started community college

and watched my world slowly crumble to bits around me because I couldn’t do anything. I had never felt that low. Which is really saying something. So I begged my mom to look for a new therapy place (even asked if I could have a service dog at one point and was told I was over exaggerating) and it took her two months to actually humor me. But you bet when I said one positive thing about birth control she set up an appointment for me in less than a week. Thanks stereotypes about women’s hormones. Guess what though! It wasn’t hormones.

I ended up with a social worker as my therapist, and I can say with complete certainty that there is a definite difference when it comes to the age that you receive treatment because  after you turn 18 it isn’t about what your parents want, it’s what you want.

I am now receiving medication from the most qualified person in the district, attend therapy regularly and am just in such a better state of being than I was before.

My doctor often asks me if I feel happy like I used to, but because of my situation, I wasn’t ever not effected by my depression. But now, I know what it’s like to live my life without worrying about the world and the people around me like I used to. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be proud of yourself, it’s okay to be honest with people, it’s okay to care about your own life. It’s okay. I’m okay.

And I guess that’s my story about my mental health. If you have any questions for me, or whatever, our ask box is open. Yellow knows a lot about psych stuff, and her mom was the one that hooked me up with the recommendation on my current clinic. Or if you’d like just me to see it, or just want someone to talk to, I have a side/art blog that you’re free to message. ( @punkrockstrawberry )